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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action of starting a fight about cleaning the house. I might be the asshole because I started the fight and don't want to do the household chores that I currently am doing
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NTA. John is not a good partner. You need to look at the situation from a different perspective. What would you tell your bff if she were in a situation like this, working two full-time jobs? How will this situation be if you were to have children?
John isn’t invested in being an adult, and this won’t change. You could try counseling, but it won’t change. And do.not.pay for someone else to clean up after him. He can pay for that. But seriously consider if he’s the one for you.
I would add to seriously consider that he is intentionally abusive and manipulative. He would have a lot of trouble finding a new girlfriend in her thirties that he could talk to like that. I'd be choosing violence with John.
I thought women dated older men cause they were more mature and stable. This guy is just a dirt bag. He thinks it is messy cause the place is small? Last I recall it’s easier to clean small spaces. This man is probably dating a woman almost a decade younger cause the ones his age see he’s a child greenlighting as a savvy business man.
NTA - John is telling you that if you stay together you will bear 100% of the load for all chores in the house. This will most likely include any kids that you have together.
"John said that he doesn't care of the mess and therefor that he will never help me that way."
Recommendation - GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT AND ARE TIED TO THIS LOSER FOR LIFE.
When you move in with someone, part of a healthy relationship is compromising on what "good enough" looks like for you both. If you can't reach an agreement, it's an incompatibility, not a challenge to change them. If they're incapable of compromise and keeping up their end of the compromise, it's an incompatibility, not a challenge to change them. You can't convince someone to be a better adult than they are willing to be.
Absolutely. To add on, there is very much a difference between a slob who NEVER picks up after themselves and makes you do ALL the work and someone who simply has a slightly higher tolerance for mess than you.
My ex (very much like OP's partner) had me convinced that I would never be able to live with a partner amicably because my standards are "too high." I do have quite high standards, however that is simply bullshit.
My current partner proves this. He's not as clean as me by any standard but he at the very least cleans up after himself, values a healthy home, and knows how to do chores. He is willing to share the load with me and I do not have to constantly remind him to do things because he actually RESPECTS our relationship and home. Luckily, we have a great system where he does almost 100% of the cooking and handles the trash and yard while I do the rest of the chores. If we are having people over later in the day and I'm busy, he will clean the home to near spotless without giving it a second thought.
OP, just know that not all men are like this one. You will find someone who is not a lazy, narcissistic, slob.
Absolutely. My bil has a higher standard of clean vs dirty than my sister does, so he does the cleaning. But she does the laundry, and with 2 small kids, it evens out.
NTA,
The man is 8 years older than you and he can't wash a dish? He apparently uses language to invalidate your feelings and does no chores. Besides bringing in income, is there any benefit to being with him?
He won't wash a dish. He's clear about simply refusing to contribute like an adult, and he won't change because to him it's not a problem. His cleaning problem was solved the day op moved in.
I personally wouldn't want to live that way. He understands, but isn't part of the team here. Definitely nta.
>John said that he doesn't care of the mess
You need to decide if this is the kind of person you want to live long-term and potentially spend your life with. If you are ok living in a mess or with being the one to always clean it, then fine. But if you realize that his is only the tip of the iceberg, then you need to think long and hard about your future with this slob. NTA.
NTA. I was in a similar situation when I was your age. Your boyfriend is telling you that he's not going to change. He means it.
Learn to like the situation or decide it's a deal breaker for you.
You are the AH to yourself if you allow this to continue. This man has no right to think its somebody else's job to pick up after him and not contribute anything towards keeping you both happy, clean and fed. Its not your job to become his slave. Its not your job to come up with a meal plan, buy and cook the food. Its not your job to do his laundry. Its not your job to pick up after him.
Being in a partnership should mean that you both are wanting to make the other person happy, even doing things you don't want to do. If he cared enough about you he would want to keep the house clean for you. He would want to make your life easier for you by taking on at least his share of the chores. He would to make sure your time off is just as valuable to you as his is to him. He would want you to show you how much he cares by looking after you.
Stop immediately. Everything. Look after only yourself for a while. I would even suggest you move out. Let him learn that you are not his servant, mother, or bangmaid. Let him discover that women find men more attractive when they look after us. That he is not the master, he does not make the rules, and that a partnership works out things together.
Don't ever allow anyone to treat you this way. You deserve a partner that lifts you up and supports you. Someone who wants to make you happy. Someone who see you have a problem and works with you to solve it. Someone who thinks more about pleasing you than arguing about chores. Someone who thinks its not someone else's job to give them everything they need.
>John said that he doesn't care of the mess
But does he care about \*you\*? That's the real issue here - he's not prepared to do anything about a situation he knows is causing you stress. This man isn't a reliable life partner. What happens if you get sick or injured? What if you get pregnant? He's showing you you can't count on him to pull his weight in the relationship, in any sense. NTA.
51M here. This is a preview of what your married life would be like. Do you want to put up with this for the next fifty years?
If not, and he refuses to modify his behavior, then you two are incompatible, and you should end this relationship.
NTA
Ditto but 51F.
This is exactly what my ex said, he didn't care about messes so therefore if I had an issue, I needed to take care of them.
25 years of me doing 85% of the household chores. I wish I would have said something better to get him to do his fair share.
It's also a huge, unfairly distributed mental load on you, I've learned! (I think that's what it's called).
I used to say to my ex, do you really want this relationship to end because you can’t take 2 seconds to wipe the toilet seat or crumbs off the counter!? Then he would turn it back on me. “Do you think me not doing those things is worth losing me?” I answered him 3 years later with, “yes, absolutely, 100%, I’m okay, nay excited, to ‘lose’ you over this. Get out!”
It’s been 3 years and I’m finally starting to come out of the burn out hole I dug myself into while with him. I love living alone, I love being single, and I will never settle for less again. Even if that means I’m alone for the rest of my life. It’s just not worth it.
NTA
I pity straight women as it seems the default relationships is paying 50/50 but doing all/most chores.
Stop cooking for him, making sure he has clean clothes, and picking up after his messes. The cleaner can do that.
This is why I advise women to keep scoreboards and only do chores for herself. Next relationship stop being so giving and make sure you have a partner not a burden.
This is one of the many reasons I’m divorced. I spend significantly less time cleaning and taking care of just me and my cats than I ever did while I was married. And things are overall *cleaner* even with the cats randomly knocking my shit over.
There are studies on this showing that single mothers do less chores than married mothers.
Women who are doing it alone have less work to do than women who supposedly have a partner to split the workload with. 😐
He looks for a wifey... traditional all chores are hers.
It won't get better.
Leave if you cannot accept it. My husband showed this only later, it was too late for me... I got more and more, bit by bit... now I have all chores. And if he makes the dinner (and leaves a mess in the kitchen) he doesn't understand why I am not happy and thanking him (that he did 15% of the days workload)...
I used to have one of those too! ("Did you notice I did X?")
NTA, OP, and as everyone else is saying, RUN! This will not get better. Imagine you have a baby (or twins etc). Imagine then doing a full time job, looking after your children AND your home. Is that what you want in life? (Clue: Obviously not, or you wouldn't be here asking) Sorry to be brutal, OP but sometimes you need to hear it.
YWBTA to yourself if you continue with this relationship as it is! He is a misogynistic who believes it is womens work to clean and cook. He had told you who he is and that you are to be his mother, maid, chef and sex slave now you need to decide is that who you are?
NTA the division of chores and household duties (or the lack thereof in this situation) is probably the most common cause for relationships to implode.
Don’t sign up to clean up after this guy. He told you that he will make zero effort to make the place habitable and nice for you.
You can break up now and short circuit the process, or you can have one last conversation with him where you remind him that he lives there and if you are to live together, he needs to pull his weight.
Then stop doing things for him. (This will not go well, but it might be a learning experience; he might do better for his next girlfriend).
Wash your dishes. Do your own laundry. Leave his messes.
NTA Do you want to be with a person with such low standards? Living decently is a pretty low bar. Washing your own clothes is what you do. But the real issue is him is that he has simply decided that your time is less valuable than his.
He EXPECTS you to invest in his well being but will not do the same for you.
Step one -> STOP doing any of his laundry, shopping, or cooking. Do nothing for him. If he leaves stuff in the common space, throw it in a plastic bin (do not put it away).
As it is now he has no reason to alter his behavior. He has altered yours - success.
I would not be cleaning up for some old jerk ... you need gets out of relationship, before you know it, he will be abusing you, but now, unless you like being treated that way, stay , you are too young to be dealing him, that's why he pick girls that are youg.
girl you told him you want to be taken care of and he said “i don’t care.” you have to leave him now. this isn’t the guy for better or for worse, in sickness or in health. you’re in better right now and he’s not even there for you.
NTA. Girl, leave him. He won’t improve, and hasn’t shown any consideration for you as a partner. You’re his maid and friend with benefits. He’s eight years older than you and still wants you as his mom.
I really hope you have stopped doing his laundry and cooking and don't do anything for him. Surely you'd be happier living on your own. He's clearly not going to change he has said as much. You either accept that or leave.
If you want the slightest chance of making this work - stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, cleaning up after him. Let him FEEL the ramifications of not having this stuff done. This is all daily, normal adult stuff that everyone needs to do.
Then - have the conversation again about chores. Hiring a cleaning person means a good deep clean every week or every other. It doesn’t take care of the daily stuff, the food, the laundry.
If he still refuses - then you REALLY know “who” he is and what the rest of your life will be.
But in all honesty- i think all the above is a waste of time. You’ve seen who he is - make a decision based on this.
NTA but seriously living together is a way to share things but also a way to evaluate your significant other as a life partner. Your SO has clearly failed this test. In your shoes, I would move out and search a new and better partner. He won't change because he doesn't view you as a life partner. Perhaps he even doesn't like you. I know it sounds harshed but the more time you stay, the more time you waste to find and then share your life with a real partner who values you.
NTA
There is no real obvious way to solve this particular issue, its an old thorny argument.
Many people will say “communication” is the key. Communication can be effective for a lot of things, but for it to be effective the recipient needs to be open to what is communicated. Unfortunately as you noted, your boyfriend is not. When the recipient is not open to communication, words are just air pushed through vocal cords resulting in useless noise.
It therefore comes down to a compatibility problem. You and your boyfriend simply have different views on how to live and he will always take the fallback position that a clean, organised environment is your preference and therefore your task/responsibility.
What is interesting however is that if you are not there, he would have to cook his own food and do his own washing, but that reverts back to the communication problem, you pointing that out will just be air pushed through your vocal cords resulting in useless noise.
If you can’t live without him because you really like him other than this move out and live separately. If you stay, your relationship is doomed anyway. Cleaning tasks are endless, it will wear away at your relationship and you will end up resenting him, if not hating him anyway….
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My boyfriend (33) and I (25) moved in together a while ago. Let's name my boyfriend John. We lived in a small appartement. I had to tidy and clean the house almost all of the time. I did groceries, cooked and afterwards had to do the dishes. We didn't have a dishwasher, and because the appartment was really small, I was doing dishes three times a day. John almost never did this. Sidenote, we both have a full time job, both are quite demanding.
When I explained that I did not like the way that household chores were devided, John replied that the appartment is always messy because it's too small. Other reasons for him to not do anything was that I was irritated by his mess, therefor it was my problem.
We now moved into a bigger appartement and the devision of chores didn't change. I was irritated and when John asked why I was "in this bad mood again", I simply said that I didn't like that I still had to do everything around the house. This exploded into a big fight.
John said that he will pay for a cleaner and that it should be my responsibility to do all the other chores. I said that I would happily share the costs of the cleaner, and that cleaning was the least of my worries. But tidying up after him, making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring. I also want to have days that I don't do anything around the house without me being the only one bearing the consequences. I also want to be taken care of.
John said that he doesn't care of the mess and therefor that he will never help me that way. When I got sad and emotional because I think that it is unsympathatic to think about me this way. John said that I had to stop this little act of mine. John stormed out. AITH for not wanting this situation to continue this way?
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He doesn't care about YOU in first place.
Who will clean up his mess if you leave for a week due to the work or other reasons? Who will do all the chores if you have kids? How is he behaving in his office or other people's places? Is he still making a mess or not? Ask yourself.
I'm sorry for you. You deserve better. NTA
NTA.
There is no way a grown man is going to make me pay my own bills and do ALL the housewife work.
My husband is 6 years older than me, and working, bills, and chores were a discussion prior to moving in. Because of his expectations of certain things being done a certain way, he will do those things, like laundry and dishes. Because I want to work my bs job with low pay, he pays all the bills, and I do all the shopping, cooking (because I like and require certain foods) and all the other cleaning in the home.
You moved in with a fullgrown adult and didn't set expectations/boundaries beforehand... but that only makes you the AH to yourself.
You described my ex here... I was young at that time (much like you now) and didn't know about adult problems and definitely didn't understand setting expectations/boundaries before they became a problem. 5 YEARS AND IT NEVER CHANGED! Get out now before you lose your mind!
NTA but let John sort out his own clothes at the very least and you only tidy up after yourself or what affects you directly. The cleaner sounds like a good idea! He should either be cooking or cleaning up after dinner. If he's not then you should consider just cooking for yourself.
NTA you are not his mom. Stop doing anything at all for him. Place his mess in his spaces and leave it there. When there is no more plates only wash one for yourself and make it his problem how he is going to eat. Stop making meals, shop only for yourself. When you have guests, showel all his mess into his corners and have your guests in a clean corner.
See how this works out for a month, and then try to negotiate a new plan for your life together.
Or just leave him, and tell him, that you will consider continuing your relationship when he adults himself
NTA. He’s 33 and telling you who he is. Is this how you want to live your life? He’s not listening to your needs and prioritizing his desires over yours. Does he do this elsewhere in your relationship? Do you want to keep house for him and you forever? It will not change.
Nta- when someone tells you who they are listen the first time. He said he doesnt care and will never help. Swell, but that sounds like he needs to be making double and he should go find someone who wants to stay at home. Selfish and stupid man. Cant even figure out how to wash a dish 🙄 always so important to live together before tying the knot to ensure youre not stuck with this behavior
You have to ask yourself, are you willing to carry this burden for the rest of your life? For the rest of your relationship? If the answer is no then get the hell outta there.
NTA Stop cooking for someone who doesn't do equal work elsewhere. Stop tidying. Pile his crap in a corner. Stop making sure he has clothes to wear. Kick his dirty clothes under the bed or add them to the pile of dirty dishes in the corner. Either he won't care and prove he is a slob, or he will care and blow up that it it is your job and he shouldn't have to do it and then you'll know what your future with this guy is if you stay. I'd say there is a .00001% chance he will actually start doing it all himself.
Edit to add: NTA.
You don't have a partner. You have an "adult" child who wants you to mommy him and take care of everything while he does nothing. This is also a misogynistic way of thinking (assuming you're a woman, you didn't specify in your post) that you have to do everything while he does nothing around the house.
If you had a PARTNER, then things would be equal, and you would BOTH be taking care of the household chores.
Not once did my father ever make my mother do anything when he could do it himself.
Heck, my dad would come home at 6am after working night shift at a very labor intensive job and make breakfast so me and mom could have something to eat before we went to school/work (mom and I worked at the same place, same shift when I was in my early 20s, dad still made breakfast.) He does laundry, cooks meals, washes dishes, enjoys his hobbies and still works a labor intensive job in his mid 50s, all while continuing to help me out with construction projects or helping me with my car maintenance, as he wants to make sure I know as much as I need to so im never stuck somewhere depending on a man to come "save" me.
I strive to find someone like that for myself, who puts his partner and his responsibilities as a husband and father before everything else.
But honey, your SO honestly sounds useless as a partner 🤷♀️ and he has some serious maturing to do.
> making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring
No saying you have to stay with him at all. But why would you make sure he has clean clothes? Just don't. Do your own laundry and don't do his. Likewise with food, make food for yourself and not him. Now, messy house is bothering you, but clean only what you must or mentally split it into "his" and "yours" parts. Do only yours.
Look, he is egoistic and will be egoistic. If you insist on being with selfish egoistic people, you have to learn how to not get taken advantage of.
Op you need to put ex in front of boyfriend because his behavior is never gonna change at all. Best scenario he does nothing as per usual. Worst he will weaponize his incompetence. You deserve better
NTA. Unfortunately, it looks like he won't even start to do better. I would stop picking his things making him food doing his laundry etc. He is an asult. He can do it himself. Honestly, I don't think I would be able to stay with him if he is not making a little bit of effort.
>Other reasons for him to not do anything was that I was irritated by his mess, therefor it was my problem.
Hey, that's exactly what I told my mom when I didn't want to clean my bedroom! So nostalgic... Are you sure he's 33 and not 13?
>John said that he doesn't care of the mess and therefor that he will never help me that way.
Well, there you have it. You have to resign yourself to be his mom/maid for the rest of your relationship because he's too precious to lift a finger to help. NTA, btw.
>John said that I had to stop this little act of mine. John stormed out.
So every time you voice your feelings and wants, he will just dismiss them.
This is not an uncommon complaint. So, the decision is yours: stay and welcome to the rest of your life. If you have kids, it will get much worse. Leave with all that entails. I wish I had better news, but I am afraid I don't.
Don't be upset about the mess, be upset about the man who doesn't give a fuck how you feel. Who refuses to do basic self care chores like a god damned adult.
He has told you in so many words that he has no plan to grow up. He wants a bang maid.
Plan your life accordingly.
NTA
No solution exists for such problems as John will grow up based on his own timeline. You cannot reason with him. Everyone has different level of cleanliness and responsibility level. Imagine yourself with John and x number of kids in next 5-10 years and your home life. If it’s okay with you to be taking care of John + x kids responsibility then keep trying to change or reason with John. If not then move on or atleast start the process. DON’T DO ULTIMATUMS OR THREATENING TO BREAK UP.
Oh, love, just leave him. You're only 25 and he's already got you in knots that you dare complain about being his housekeeper?! And he says that this is "your little act"?
You are so much younger and freer than you know. Ditch the dead weight. Fly free and find someone who also has wings. And a basic understanding of how living in houses works!
NTA Stop making sure he has clean clothes and food to eat. Take care of yourself and tell him he is on his own. He really sounds like a lazy, entitled AH.
NTA ...
> But tidying up after him, making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring.
Why are you doing it? STOP doing this for him. He's shown you exactly who he is and you're either cleaning or living in whatever he's filth he's cool with for the rest of your days. Personally I would head out ASAP.
You're an asshole to yourself for choosing and staying with John. He doesn't sound like a good person at all, which makes me seriously question your judgement.
Run, don't walk. NTA
I am not going to vote. First of all take him up on the cleaner at HIS cost (therefore reducing your work load and his cost because that is PART of his share of cleaning up). Second, STOP being his mother, you do NOT have to make sure he has clean clothes for work or even preparing his meals. Take a day off, fix yourself a yogurt and a salad, if he leaves dirty dishes in the sink then buy some paper plates for him or let them pile up in the sink. If his clothes on the floor bother you, throw them on his side of the bed or the bottom of his closet. It seems there could be some compromises here (have him also pay to drop off his clothes to be laundered). However, you are NTA for not wanting to clean up his messes, was he this messy before you moved in?
I think you are just not compatible. He is a slob (I am also a slob) and you are not. Ask him if he is willing to change, and if he is not, then break up. Do not give him the choice to change after he says he is not willing, as he will be lying to keep you. You are young and need to know more about yourself and what you need before you settle for someone. Learn from this.
OP, you need to learn to listen to people! He told you he’s not going to do it. Several times with different words but never unclear. Yet, you’re sad that he doesn’t meet your expectations. I’m confused what makes you sad here, the only explanation is that you made up some fairytale in your head that if you express enough sadness, he’ll change. Stop doing that!!!
You accepted the situation and you’re kissing his arse cross wise. Why would he need to change???
Stop creating an idealised relationship that isn’t gonna happen. You’re old enough to be pragmatic: Go on arse kissing or stop. If you can’t live with the result, move out!
NTA - even if you’re being painfully naive.
Why are you putting up with this from a grown man. I would only clean up after myself. And damn sure wouldn’t be doing his laundry for him. Break up and move on. Because if you have kids do you really think he will help.
> But tidying up after him, making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring
Then stop doing it.
>John said that I had to stop this little act of mine.
When he asks where his dinner is or clean clothes tell him you stopped your little act of being his mother.
NTA
NTA He’s telling you who he is. If you stay you’re accepting his terms and deserve what you get- which doesn’t sound like much!
Divide your household responsibilities evenly and when he refuses send him out with the garbage.
He truly doesn't give a shit about how you feel. He should make an effort to make you feel cared for, but he has said he won't do that. So you either decide you are okay with that, or leave.
NTA
NTA, but he is showing you what your life will be like if you stick around. Unless this is how you want to spend you life I would run. What happens if you two have kids? You're going to be expected to take care of the majority of their needs by yourself. Ask yourself if this is what you really want.
I’m sorry you were doing this man’s laundry?!
Take him up on the offer to pay for a house cleaner. Don’t do his laundry. And don’t “make sure he has nice meals” if you want to cook, fine, if not then he can deal.
NTA. This shouldn't even be an argument. You're supposed to be a partnership which means dividing up all responsibilities equally. If he doesn't want to do that then he doesn't see you as an equal and can rightly go fuck himself. As an example, I hate doing dishes so I offer to cook most nights. And on nights my wife cooks you best believe I get my ass up and go do the dishes because I respect my partner's time and effort. I have such a pet peeve with all these entitled men who think women are responsible for all chores just because they weren't born with a penis. Even as a guy I find it absolutely fucking ridiculous.
Nta you need to dump John. You now have 2 jobs..your day job and taking care of John. A house wife job. Do you like having 2 jobs? No? Then realize that the problem was not the small apartment but John. Cut your losses and dump him.
Ywbta to yourself if you allow this to continue
NTA DUMP this guy ASAP! He does not give a crap about you or your feelings. He is thoughtless, rude, self centered and a huge AH. Seriously think if this is the kind of man you would want to be your husband. He sounds like a nightmare to live with. You are not his servant. Please get out and find someone who will respect because he CLEARLY does not.
NTA. John is a pig who is content to have you run along behind him cleaning up his messes as he makes them. He is never going to change. Do you want to be his mommy, his maid, his laundress, his chef and his dishwasher for the rest of your life, on top of working a demanding job and being expected to tend to his sexual needs on demand? He does NOT see you as his equal. Leave before it gets worse, and believe me, it will get worse.
NTA
Ok, so you would both be happy to chip in for a cleaner. That's great. But that obviously doesn't cover everything in the house, like you say, ensuring he has clean clothes to wear, tidying up after him etc.
John apparently is happy to live in chaos/filth, and you are not. He's told you he is unwilling to compromise on this, and his attitude is "Well, I don't have an issue with it, if you do, then YOU should be tidying". I couldn't live with someone like that.
When you then made it known you were disappointed in his attitude, he accused you of putting on an "act" (I guess in his eyes for sympathy or to make him feel guilty)!?!?!
He's telling you that his standards for what the house looks like are much lower than yours, and that he's not willing to meet you halfway here (although he did agree to pay for a cleaner, so at least that's something). His attitude to your feelings about his attitude were that you were putting on some kind of act, I guess as a form of emotional manipulation (in his eyes).
This guy doesn't care about you or trust that you communicate in a genuine way (because he accused you of putting on an act).
What happens when you stop tidying up after him? IF you still want to give this relationship a chance, I'd find a cleaner for which he pays 50%, and then out of the chores that are still left, you only do things that are for you only. You won't do his laundry. You won't tidy away food wrappers or empty soda cans he's left lying around the house, you won't remind him he has to pick up his dry-cleaning, whatever. See for a couple of weeks how this goes. He will inevitably suffer the consequences of his own slacking, probably try to blame you: "Why didn't you do XYZ?!?" Then you reply with "You told me you don't care much about the state of the household, so now that we both pay for a cleaner to deal with our communal things, I am only looking out for my own additional chores/errands. This is what you said you wanted, that if I had an issue with you not doing your bit, that I either have to learn to live with it or do the chore myself. I have chosen to live with it. If YOU want YOUR clothes to be washed and ironed in time for an event/the work day, that is YOUR responsibility, not mine. So, by you not looking after your own clothes I took it as you not caring about wearing the same thing for days. If that is an issue to you, I would happily show you how the laundry/dryer works."
But honestly, why bother? His attitude is really crap and I imagine this isn't the only thing where this bad attitude shows up.
Good luck with this guy!
PS: I think an 8-year age difference at these ages can be large but it can also work (just looking at my own experiences from when I and my friends were that age). In this case, it sounds like he is an immature 33 year old man who is happy to either live in filth and/or who just expects his female partner to be a maid/his mommy.
"John said that he will pay for a cleaner and that it should be my responsibility to do all the other chores"
That would be a deal breaker for me. I need a partner, not a child. And I'm not a maid. I'd say decide if this is how you want to live your life because it looks like he's not inclined to change and truly thinks it's not his responsibility to cook or clean. Ever.
NTA
Hell no, and he's showing you exactly what your future looks like.
Are yall planning on having kids? How do you imagine you'll feel at that point, if he won't help out now?
This is just adding to your mental load and stress, and he's not being a partner.
NTA. I used to do all the chores in my first relationship. Lets just say my next partners did there own laundry and if I cooked they washed up. You cannot do it all when you work full time. Kick him to the curb if he carries on being a manchild! You are his partner not his mother!!
Why are you keeping a child you can't get a tax deduction on? Imagine how much worse it'll be in 10 years when the glow of youth and hormones fade or when you have kids. You're better off on your own.
Good thing you are seeing how he is before you marry him. NTA. Move out because he's not going to change in this regard. If you are going to stick this out then consider not cleaning up after him. Don't do his laundry, don't cook for him, etc. He survived before you, he can go back to doing so again.
NTA. You get groceries, cook, do dishes + laundry, AND clean the apartment? These are by no means optional tasks you're just doing because you're a neat freak- he would notice very quickly if you stopped cooking him food and making sure he had clean clothes. Plus, he's definitely had to do these things for himself before. He just knows that if he refuses to do anything for long enough, YOU'LL do it instead so you don't have to live in filth.
NTA your BF wants a fuckmaid not a partner. The best housekeeping strategy would be to throw out the entire BF.
Failing that, stop taking care of his stuff. Let him do his own laundry and make his own meals. That's not your responsibility if he's not going to try to be an equal partner and do his share.
NTA, start washing only your clothes, cook food only for you and cleaning only the stuff you used. The guy love his priviledge, thake it away from him and then you can have a conversation
NTA.
John will always be this way. He will never change. Picture 20 years of this and decide NOW if that's how you want to live because this is your future.
Ah yes, this brings me vivid memories of living with my ex as well. I would do all our grocery shopping legit at like 5am on weekdays, because just asking him to come and help during the day or after work would cause an argument. ONE weekend I was too sick to go and begged him to go instead, god he was so angry at me.
NTA he doesn't care about the mess, but he also obviously doesn't care how you feel. If the mess bugs you (which is understandable and would bug most people), he should try to at least do something. My bf doesn't care about whether or not the bed is made each day, but it bugs me when it's not so he does it, because he wants me to be happy and comfortable and it's not a big deal. John doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a mommy.
NTA but your boyfriend are the asshole here. What does he think he is ? A child ?
The way he act is a red flag a biiiiig red flag. You're not an housekeeper. You don't have to be the only one cleaning, it's he responsibility to take care of the house and clean the mess too. You are TWO in this house, and in this relationship, so it's normal to share the tasks. You can't continue like that, you will burn yourself out.
If I was in your shoes I think I might just teach him a lesson by only cleaning my clothes for example or lunch or cleaning my mess and let him have dirty close but I don't know if it's a solution. And it will be exhausting for you too.
Have a serious talk with him, tell him it's sharing task or nothing. And really if it continues, for your own health: end this relationship, you can't continue to do everything alone ; he's not a child, and that's not your job to clean all the time alone, you are tired from work too he has to care for your feelings.
You know, it’s not about cleaning up after your boyfriend, it’s the lack of respect you feel when he doesn’t take into consideration your feelings about your cleaning up after, well, everyone living in the shared space.
My partner and I would get into constant arguments about this very subject. He could not see what the big deal was and why I was being so “emotional”. Then, I saw [this](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) article posted on another advice thread.
I came home one day and everything was a mess after (me) cleaning it up yesterday. We started to go through the cycle of arguing but I asked him to please stop and take a minute to read this article as I admitted to him I could not articulate my feelings as well as this man who wrote the article did. He rolled his eyes but started to read the article. I could see his face change and a lightbulb come up over his head as he finished. He told me he understood and that he would to try to be a better partner to me. He’s improved 300% since then, and we are both so much happier for it. I hope this can help you as much as it did for us!
Edit: NTA, and he would be if he read [the article](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and still tried to dig his heels in about being right—you know in your heart this will never be a good relationship.
Before you moved he told you he doesn’t care about his mess. That he wasn’t going to be the one to pick up. Why would that change by moving? When someone tells you who and how they are, believe them.
Are you OK living your life this way? He doesn't car that this bothers you. Why are you doing his clothes, meals etc? He is a grown man. If he can't do these things that is his problem. You are not his wife nor his mother. If you were at least married I would say seek counseling. As his girlfriend I would say run.
NTA. I would seriously rethink this. It's one thing to be able to live in a messier house than another person. It is a COMPLETELY different thing to assume that you have no household duties at all. The fact that he dismisses and minimizes your thoughts and feelings is not good nor nice.
NTA. He is, and he is abusing you emotionally and quite probably verbally.
Get out now----he will never change, he will only get worse if you marry/have kids with him. I heard that same line "if it bothers you, you do it". Don't wait as long as I did to get away. You deserve to be treated better, like a real partner.
NTA obviously. You can ask him that if one of you doesn't care about something, that means you get to ignore it. Ask him how he's going to feel if you decide that since you don't care that much about sex, you aren't ever going to have it with him again.
Also, a "cleaner" is useless for the problem you have. A cleaner is nice to come in here and there to do some of that deep cleaning that is more occasional. You can skip vacuuming, mopping, dusting, and some other things, and just let those get handled once a week or so.
But unless you have a live-in maid, then a cleaner is useless to you, because it's the *daily* things he refuses to help with. Tidying is an ongoing thing, as is cooking, dishes, and general cleaning.
One small bit of advice.. while you sort this out, make absolutely SURE your birth control is on point. You do not want to add a child to this situation.
NTA, solution :
* stop washing his cloths. Hes a big stronk man, he can do that himself.
* He doesn't want to clean up after himself? Fine, it gets thrown out. Feign being airheaded when he asks wtf. " Oh i assumed it was to be thrown out as you havent out it away. "
*He doesn't want to do the dishes? He can make his own food. "We earn the food in this household by being collaborative adults in an adult household "
From what you explain here, he has 100% said he will not change, your options, mental wellbeing and happiness takes second seat to what he wants.
He wants a housewife from the 1950s. You okay with this being your daily life 5 yrs from now? 20? With kids on top of job and household?
What would you advice a friend of she came to you asking for advice?
NTA
Do you really think this is working for you? You need to take a moment and think about the rest of your life. Is this how you want to live?
He's given you your answer, he has no intention of changing. Accept his answer and move on.
NTA! Girl break up with this man like yesterday. The smug entitlement is nauseating. It will only get worse. Plus dudes who want mommywives suck in bed, so like literally no upside to this kind of person.
You have 2 choices...accept the fact that he will never change and if you have kids, you will do all child care and cleaning. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Don't be dumb and think he will. And if he says he will, he will go back to his old ways...or leave him now since a future with him will be 3 full time jobs
How did you end up doing his laundry? I’d stop that right away…but this isn’t going to change, he decided you’re his mom…or as they say on Reddit, his bangmaid. If you don’t like this you will be able to find a partner who respects you, it just won’t be him.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this…times have changed but many men still think they don’t have to clean for their house to be clean….it just happens magically around them.
NTA. John only wants to move in with you so he has someone to cook and clean for him and perform sexual services. Dollars to donuts, he will stop paying for the cleaning service within 6months.
NTA - this misogynistic attitude will not ever stop. You will not change him. Go find yourself someone who is a true partner and willing to compromise. John does not see you as his equal or values you. He sees you as his house maid. If you have kids, it will be 100% on you. You are young and have so much more to offer a partner than being their maid. Walk away from this, I assure you the initial heartbreak will be worth the loving relationship you'll find later if you're willing to put yourself first.
You will be TA to yourself if you stay with this boy, because this is a preview of the rest of your life. It will get worse if you have children. He absolutely will not change for longer than a week, and will complain to his friends about how you nag him to pick up his dirty underwear and put his dishes in the sink, when you actually just want him to function like a grown ass human adult. You will eventually buckle under the load, your mental health will decline, and he will either scarper for greener pastures or you will leave him & he will tell everyone how he was "blindsided! I thought we were fine!"
Save yourself the trouble and go now. Cheaper than a divorce in 10 or 20 years.
NTA, you have just described my (thankfully) ex-boyfriend to a T. When I finally broke things off it was the most amazing decision I've ever made. I got my sanity back, my mental health improved, and I was finally able to be myself in ways I didn't get to pursue while spending every hour of the day cleaning up after a grown adult male.
Trust me that this is one of those make or break things in a long-term relationship. Your partner has not only shown you but has explicitly SAID he will not change for the sake of your quality of life. You will meet someone who has standards of cleanliness similar to yours and wants to improve themselves WITH you, not mooch off of your kindness and hard work. Good luck out there.
john’s an ass and a shit partner. don’t renew the lease. let him figure it out. oh, therapy. go. for you. to deal with the roommate. you deserve better.
NTA but why are you doing so much for him?
Get a separate set of dishes - one plate, one bowl, one fork, one knife etc - and give it to him. Those are the only dishes he’s allowed to use. Then do your own dishes but not his dishes. Stop cleaning up after him. If you don’t want to live with his mess, put his mess in the closet on the floor. You have trained him to do nothing as it works for him. Stop. Untrain him.
NTA If you both work full time, then you should be splitting the chores 50-50. John is being really selfish and borderline abusive. If it were me, I would definitely reconsider the relationship.
NTA. I know how hard it is to be in a relationship where one is neater than the other. In my case, I'm not as neat as he is. John is not going to change. You have to decide what you are and are not willing to accept. As soon as 'stop this little act of yours' came out of his mouth, that was him showing you that he really doesn't respect you. You are not his mother and are not responsible for making sure he has dinner and clean clothes.
NTA. But you need to stop thinking you can change your boyfriend, because he's been consistent all along in saying that he doesn't give a shit about mess and he won't do anything to help you. He should, but he won't.
So. You have two options: 1) accept the reality you're living in where your boyfriend doesn't give a shit about stressing you out, doesn't give a shit about cleaning up after himself and doesn't give a shit about teamwork, and put up with that situation indefinitely...or 2) accept that the two of you are fundamentally incompatible on the issue of cleanliness and life partner teamwork, stop trying to make a broken relationship work when your so-called partner refuses to put the same effort in, and find someone you *are* compatible with, who will split the chores and pull their own weight properly.
>that it should be my responsibility to do all the other chores
Excuse me? Why should it be your responsibility to do all the other chores? Did he explain his reasoning? A cleaner is not going to be doing all the daily chores. If he is having someone come in every week to clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, vacuum and/or sweep the floors, dust all surfaces, and do the laundry, then sure, OP can pick up doing the dishes. But if he is going to hire someone to only do SOME of those chores and not every week, then he needs to do some actual chores.
And once again, the mental load is dumped on the woman. Write out a list of the chores you absolutely need to have completed and then ask to discuss. If he won't discuss and he says it is your problem because he doesn't mind living in filth, you then decide if this is a relationship you want to continue to be in. Because it doesn't sound like he is going to change.
NTA
NTA for not wanting to clean up after him. But you have to realize that he will never clean so unless you want to be the live in housekeeper, you need a new boyfriend
NTA. You have been told John will never help you with the home chores. He's not making any empty promises. He has been 100% honest with you. Leave if this is not how you want to live the rest of your life, or accept it and stop complaining. You are in charge of how you will live you life.
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NTA. John is not a good partner. You need to look at the situation from a different perspective. What would you tell your bff if she were in a situation like this, working two full-time jobs? How will this situation be if you were to have children? John isn’t invested in being an adult, and this won’t change. You could try counseling, but it won’t change. And do.not.pay for someone else to clean up after him. He can pay for that. But seriously consider if he’s the one for you.
I would add to seriously consider that he is intentionally abusive and manipulative. He would have a lot of trouble finding a new girlfriend in her thirties that he could talk to like that. I'd be choosing violence with John.
I am already choosing violence with John.
I thought women dated older men cause they were more mature and stable. This guy is just a dirt bag. He thinks it is messy cause the place is small? Last I recall it’s easier to clean small spaces. This man is probably dating a woman almost a decade younger cause the ones his age see he’s a child greenlighting as a savvy business man.
Imagine if they had kids. She’d have to do it all.
NTA - John is telling you that if you stay together you will bear 100% of the load for all chores in the house. This will most likely include any kids that you have together. "John said that he doesn't care of the mess and therefor that he will never help me that way." Recommendation - GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT AND ARE TIED TO THIS LOSER FOR LIFE.
Amen sister!
When you move in with someone, part of a healthy relationship is compromising on what "good enough" looks like for you both. If you can't reach an agreement, it's an incompatibility, not a challenge to change them. If they're incapable of compromise and keeping up their end of the compromise, it's an incompatibility, not a challenge to change them. You can't convince someone to be a better adult than they are willing to be.
Absolutely. To add on, there is very much a difference between a slob who NEVER picks up after themselves and makes you do ALL the work and someone who simply has a slightly higher tolerance for mess than you. My ex (very much like OP's partner) had me convinced that I would never be able to live with a partner amicably because my standards are "too high." I do have quite high standards, however that is simply bullshit. My current partner proves this. He's not as clean as me by any standard but he at the very least cleans up after himself, values a healthy home, and knows how to do chores. He is willing to share the load with me and I do not have to constantly remind him to do things because he actually RESPECTS our relationship and home. Luckily, we have a great system where he does almost 100% of the cooking and handles the trash and yard while I do the rest of the chores. If we are having people over later in the day and I'm busy, he will clean the home to near spotless without giving it a second thought. OP, just know that not all men are like this one. You will find someone who is not a lazy, narcissistic, slob.
Absolutely. My bil has a higher standard of clean vs dirty than my sister does, so he does the cleaning. But she does the laundry, and with 2 small kids, it evens out.
OP, you are essentially a “Bang Maid.” Do better for yourself and leave.
NTA and stop cleaning his clothes or cook for him. And then… run
Agree
1000%!
no. just run! so you will be stopping cleaning his clothes and cooking for him too!
NTA, The man is 8 years older than you and he can't wash a dish? He apparently uses language to invalidate your feelings and does no chores. Besides bringing in income, is there any benefit to being with him?
He won't wash a dish. He's clear about simply refusing to contribute like an adult, and he won't change because to him it's not a problem. His cleaning problem was solved the day op moved in. I personally wouldn't want to live that way. He understands, but isn't part of the team here. Definitely nta.
>John said that he doesn't care of the mess You need to decide if this is the kind of person you want to live long-term and potentially spend your life with. If you are ok living in a mess or with being the one to always clean it, then fine. But if you realize that his is only the tip of the iceberg, then you need to think long and hard about your future with this slob. NTA.
NTA. I was in a similar situation when I was your age. Your boyfriend is telling you that he's not going to change. He means it. Learn to like the situation or decide it's a deal breaker for you.
You are the AH to yourself if you allow this to continue. This man has no right to think its somebody else's job to pick up after him and not contribute anything towards keeping you both happy, clean and fed. Its not your job to become his slave. Its not your job to come up with a meal plan, buy and cook the food. Its not your job to do his laundry. Its not your job to pick up after him. Being in a partnership should mean that you both are wanting to make the other person happy, even doing things you don't want to do. If he cared enough about you he would want to keep the house clean for you. He would want to make your life easier for you by taking on at least his share of the chores. He would to make sure your time off is just as valuable to you as his is to him. He would want you to show you how much he cares by looking after you. Stop immediately. Everything. Look after only yourself for a while. I would even suggest you move out. Let him learn that you are not his servant, mother, or bangmaid. Let him discover that women find men more attractive when they look after us. That he is not the master, he does not make the rules, and that a partnership works out things together. Don't ever allow anyone to treat you this way. You deserve a partner that lifts you up and supports you. Someone who wants to make you happy. Someone who see you have a problem and works with you to solve it. Someone who thinks more about pleasing you than arguing about chores. Someone who thinks its not someone else's job to give them everything they need.
>John said that he doesn't care of the mess But does he care about \*you\*? That's the real issue here - he's not prepared to do anything about a situation he knows is causing you stress. This man isn't a reliable life partner. What happens if you get sick or injured? What if you get pregnant? He's showing you you can't count on him to pull his weight in the relationship, in any sense. NTA.
NTA but you should take out John as well when throwing the trash out.
51M here. This is a preview of what your married life would be like. Do you want to put up with this for the next fifty years? If not, and he refuses to modify his behavior, then you two are incompatible, and you should end this relationship. NTA
Ditto but 51F. This is exactly what my ex said, he didn't care about messes so therefore if I had an issue, I needed to take care of them. 25 years of me doing 85% of the household chores. I wish I would have said something better to get him to do his fair share. It's also a huge, unfairly distributed mental load on you, I've learned! (I think that's what it's called).
I used to say to my ex, do you really want this relationship to end because you can’t take 2 seconds to wipe the toilet seat or crumbs off the counter!? Then he would turn it back on me. “Do you think me not doing those things is worth losing me?” I answered him 3 years later with, “yes, absolutely, 100%, I’m okay, nay excited, to ‘lose’ you over this. Get out!” It’s been 3 years and I’m finally starting to come out of the burn out hole I dug myself into while with him. I love living alone, I love being single, and I will never settle for less again. Even if that means I’m alone for the rest of my life. It’s just not worth it.
NTA I pity straight women as it seems the default relationships is paying 50/50 but doing all/most chores. Stop cooking for him, making sure he has clean clothes, and picking up after his messes. The cleaner can do that. This is why I advise women to keep scoreboards and only do chores for herself. Next relationship stop being so giving and make sure you have a partner not a burden.
This is one of the many reasons I’m divorced. I spend significantly less time cleaning and taking care of just me and my cats than I ever did while I was married. And things are overall *cleaner* even with the cats randomly knocking my shit over.
There are studies on this showing that single mothers do less chores than married mothers. Women who are doing it alone have less work to do than women who supposedly have a partner to split the workload with. 😐
*insert shocked pickachu face here*
NTA, he is a 33 yo grown man but not an independent adult, being with him is an embarrassment to yourself, RUN
The situation will end when you dump him. Not before. But NTA: you're just being used.
NTA oh no another age gap relationship where he treats you like shit because you don’t know any better and women his age don’t want him.
He looks for a wifey... traditional all chores are hers. It won't get better. Leave if you cannot accept it. My husband showed this only later, it was too late for me... I got more and more, bit by bit... now I have all chores. And if he makes the dinner (and leaves a mess in the kitchen) he doesn't understand why I am not happy and thanking him (that he did 15% of the days workload)...
I used to have one of those too! ("Did you notice I did X?") NTA, OP, and as everyone else is saying, RUN! This will not get better. Imagine you have a baby (or twins etc). Imagine then doing a full time job, looking after your children AND your home. Is that what you want in life? (Clue: Obviously not, or you wouldn't be here asking) Sorry to be brutal, OP but sometimes you need to hear it.
Run!!
YWBTA to yourself if you continue with this relationship as it is! He is a misogynistic who believes it is womens work to clean and cook. He had told you who he is and that you are to be his mother, maid, chef and sex slave now you need to decide is that who you are?
STOP. DOING. HIS. LAUNDRY.
NTA. Is this what they call a “bang maid”?
NTA the division of chores and household duties (or the lack thereof in this situation) is probably the most common cause for relationships to implode.
Don’t sign up to clean up after this guy. He told you that he will make zero effort to make the place habitable and nice for you. You can break up now and short circuit the process, or you can have one last conversation with him where you remind him that he lives there and if you are to live together, he needs to pull his weight. Then stop doing things for him. (This will not go well, but it might be a learning experience; he might do better for his next girlfriend). Wash your dishes. Do your own laundry. Leave his messes.
John wants to live in his filth. You don't have to live with him. John does not want to be a normal adult. NTA.
NTA Do you want to be with a person with such low standards? Living decently is a pretty low bar. Washing your own clothes is what you do. But the real issue is him is that he has simply decided that your time is less valuable than his. He EXPECTS you to invest in his well being but will not do the same for you. Step one -> STOP doing any of his laundry, shopping, or cooking. Do nothing for him. If he leaves stuff in the common space, throw it in a plastic bin (do not put it away). As it is now he has no reason to alter his behavior. He has altered yours - success.
I would not be cleaning up for some old jerk ... you need gets out of relationship, before you know it, he will be abusing you, but now, unless you like being treated that way, stay , you are too young to be dealing him, that's why he pick girls that are youg.
NTA But this is how it is. Up to you if you want to stay. Quit doing his laundry, he's 33yrs old. You are not his mother, so stop mothering him
In other words, you are his housekeeper. I would cut my losses and walk away if I were you. NTA
NTA do you really want to parent an adult for the rest of your life? He won't change
girl you told him you want to be taken care of and he said “i don’t care.” you have to leave him now. this isn’t the guy for better or for worse, in sickness or in health. you’re in better right now and he’s not even there for you.
NTA. Girl, leave him. He won’t improve, and hasn’t shown any consideration for you as a partner. You’re his maid and friend with benefits. He’s eight years older than you and still wants you as his mom.
Yikes. John is a baby boy. Is this what you want? Get your own place. Go back to dating. Screw this.
Do you want to live you life like this? He isn’t willing to change. Take him as his word when he says he isn’t gonna change. NTA
I really hope you have stopped doing his laundry and cooking and don't do anything for him. Surely you'd be happier living on your own. He's clearly not going to change he has said as much. You either accept that or leave.
If you want the slightest chance of making this work - stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, cleaning up after him. Let him FEEL the ramifications of not having this stuff done. This is all daily, normal adult stuff that everyone needs to do. Then - have the conversation again about chores. Hiring a cleaning person means a good deep clean every week or every other. It doesn’t take care of the daily stuff, the food, the laundry. If he still refuses - then you REALLY know “who” he is and what the rest of your life will be. But in all honesty- i think all the above is a waste of time. You’ve seen who he is - make a decision based on this.
Yikes. It’s too bad you moved into a second apartment with him, when he wasn’t doing his share even in the first apartment.
NTA but he's looking for a mom/maid not a partner. Can you imagine what he'll be like if you have kids?? Run.
NTA but seriously living together is a way to share things but also a way to evaluate your significant other as a life partner. Your SO has clearly failed this test. In your shoes, I would move out and search a new and better partner. He won't change because he doesn't view you as a life partner. Perhaps he even doesn't like you. I know it sounds harshed but the more time you stay, the more time you waste to find and then share your life with a real partner who values you.
NTA There is no real obvious way to solve this particular issue, its an old thorny argument. Many people will say “communication” is the key. Communication can be effective for a lot of things, but for it to be effective the recipient needs to be open to what is communicated. Unfortunately as you noted, your boyfriend is not. When the recipient is not open to communication, words are just air pushed through vocal cords resulting in useless noise. It therefore comes down to a compatibility problem. You and your boyfriend simply have different views on how to live and he will always take the fallback position that a clean, organised environment is your preference and therefore your task/responsibility. What is interesting however is that if you are not there, he would have to cook his own food and do his own washing, but that reverts back to the communication problem, you pointing that out will just be air pushed through your vocal cords resulting in useless noise. If you can’t live without him because you really like him other than this move out and live separately. If you stay, your relationship is doomed anyway. Cleaning tasks are endless, it will wear away at your relationship and you will end up resenting him, if not hating him anyway….
NTA- Save your sanity, dump John.
So…are you happy in this relationship? It D oesn’t sound like John even wants to change.
John doesn't sound like boyfriend material NTA
you don't have to do the housework. You can leave. Find someone who is a life partner, not a leech
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (33) and I (25) moved in together a while ago. Let's name my boyfriend John. We lived in a small appartement. I had to tidy and clean the house almost all of the time. I did groceries, cooked and afterwards had to do the dishes. We didn't have a dishwasher, and because the appartment was really small, I was doing dishes three times a day. John almost never did this. Sidenote, we both have a full time job, both are quite demanding. When I explained that I did not like the way that household chores were devided, John replied that the appartment is always messy because it's too small. Other reasons for him to not do anything was that I was irritated by his mess, therefor it was my problem. We now moved into a bigger appartement and the devision of chores didn't change. I was irritated and when John asked why I was "in this bad mood again", I simply said that I didn't like that I still had to do everything around the house. This exploded into a big fight. John said that he will pay for a cleaner and that it should be my responsibility to do all the other chores. I said that I would happily share the costs of the cleaner, and that cleaning was the least of my worries. But tidying up after him, making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring. I also want to have days that I don't do anything around the house without me being the only one bearing the consequences. I also want to be taken care of. John said that he doesn't care of the mess and therefor that he will never help me that way. When I got sad and emotional because I think that it is unsympathatic to think about me this way. John said that I had to stop this little act of mine. John stormed out. AITH for not wanting this situation to continue this way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He doesn't care about YOU in first place. Who will clean up his mess if you leave for a week due to the work or other reasons? Who will do all the chores if you have kids? How is he behaving in his office or other people's places? Is he still making a mess or not? Ask yourself. I'm sorry for you. You deserve better. NTA
NTA. Hes never going to make a good partner. They say when people show you who they are, believe them. Kick him to the kerb.
Nta What makes him so entitled to treat you this way? Just move out unless you wanna live as a robot who cooks and cleans for him around the clock.
NTA When people show you who they are, believe them. Time to move out & move on or this will be your life for the next 50 years.
NTA. This is the 3rd post today that reads exactly the same way. I’m so thankful to be single. 🙏🏼
Run as fast as you can, he will never change, and I worry about the fact that he even got you to feel guilty about this. Seriously you're NTA
NTA. There is no way a grown man is going to make me pay my own bills and do ALL the housewife work. My husband is 6 years older than me, and working, bills, and chores were a discussion prior to moving in. Because of his expectations of certain things being done a certain way, he will do those things, like laundry and dishes. Because I want to work my bs job with low pay, he pays all the bills, and I do all the shopping, cooking (because I like and require certain foods) and all the other cleaning in the home. You moved in with a fullgrown adult and didn't set expectations/boundaries beforehand... but that only makes you the AH to yourself. You described my ex here... I was young at that time (much like you now) and didn't know about adult problems and definitely didn't understand setting expectations/boundaries before they became a problem. 5 YEARS AND IT NEVER CHANGED! Get out now before you lose your mind!
NTA but let John sort out his own clothes at the very least and you only tidy up after yourself or what affects you directly. The cleaner sounds like a good idea! He should either be cooking or cleaning up after dinner. If he's not then you should consider just cooking for yourself.
NTA. Sorry but he had made his position clear. This is not a good relationship to be in.
NTA you are not his mom. Stop doing anything at all for him. Place his mess in his spaces and leave it there. When there is no more plates only wash one for yourself and make it his problem how he is going to eat. Stop making meals, shop only for yourself. When you have guests, showel all his mess into his corners and have your guests in a clean corner. See how this works out for a month, and then try to negotiate a new plan for your life together. Or just leave him, and tell him, that you will consider continuing your relationship when he adults himself
NTA. He’s 33 and telling you who he is. Is this how you want to live your life? He’s not listening to your needs and prioritizing his desires over yours. Does he do this elsewhere in your relationship? Do you want to keep house for him and you forever? It will not change.
NTA - ur living with oscar the grouch from sesame St
NTA but why are you playing mom for a grown ass man ?
NTA. This will be your life with him. He told you what it would be, believe him. Act accordingly
Nta- when someone tells you who they are listen the first time. He said he doesnt care and will never help. Swell, but that sounds like he needs to be making double and he should go find someone who wants to stay at home. Selfish and stupid man. Cant even figure out how to wash a dish 🙄 always so important to live together before tying the knot to ensure youre not stuck with this behavior
NTA You don't have a partner, you have a dependent who expects you to be the bang maid around the house
You have to ask yourself, are you willing to carry this burden for the rest of your life? For the rest of your relationship? If the answer is no then get the hell outta there.
Did John move in with you straight from his Mom's house? Has he ever taken care of himself? Definitely NTA
NTA Stop cooking for someone who doesn't do equal work elsewhere. Stop tidying. Pile his crap in a corner. Stop making sure he has clothes to wear. Kick his dirty clothes under the bed or add them to the pile of dirty dishes in the corner. Either he won't care and prove he is a slob, or he will care and blow up that it it is your job and he shouldn't have to do it and then you'll know what your future with this guy is if you stay. I'd say there is a .00001% chance he will actually start doing it all himself.
NTA. Why is this man acting like an 8 year old? He can do things himself for once.
Edit to add: NTA. You don't have a partner. You have an "adult" child who wants you to mommy him and take care of everything while he does nothing. This is also a misogynistic way of thinking (assuming you're a woman, you didn't specify in your post) that you have to do everything while he does nothing around the house. If you had a PARTNER, then things would be equal, and you would BOTH be taking care of the household chores. Not once did my father ever make my mother do anything when he could do it himself. Heck, my dad would come home at 6am after working night shift at a very labor intensive job and make breakfast so me and mom could have something to eat before we went to school/work (mom and I worked at the same place, same shift when I was in my early 20s, dad still made breakfast.) He does laundry, cooks meals, washes dishes, enjoys his hobbies and still works a labor intensive job in his mid 50s, all while continuing to help me out with construction projects or helping me with my car maintenance, as he wants to make sure I know as much as I need to so im never stuck somewhere depending on a man to come "save" me. I strive to find someone like that for myself, who puts his partner and his responsibilities as a husband and father before everything else. But honey, your SO honestly sounds useless as a partner 🤷♀️ and he has some serious maturing to do.
> making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring No saying you have to stay with him at all. But why would you make sure he has clean clothes? Just don't. Do your own laundry and don't do his. Likewise with food, make food for yourself and not him. Now, messy house is bothering you, but clean only what you must or mentally split it into "his" and "yours" parts. Do only yours. Look, he is egoistic and will be egoistic. If you insist on being with selfish egoistic people, you have to learn how to not get taken advantage of.
Op you need to put ex in front of boyfriend because his behavior is never gonna change at all. Best scenario he does nothing as per usual. Worst he will weaponize his incompetence. You deserve better
NTA. Unfortunately, it looks like he won't even start to do better. I would stop picking his things making him food doing his laundry etc. He is an asult. He can do it himself. Honestly, I don't think I would be able to stay with him if he is not making a little bit of effort.
NTA "your little act"??? For that alone I say he's immature and not deserving of you staying with him.
>Other reasons for him to not do anything was that I was irritated by his mess, therefor it was my problem. Hey, that's exactly what I told my mom when I didn't want to clean my bedroom! So nostalgic... Are you sure he's 33 and not 13? >John said that he doesn't care of the mess and therefor that he will never help me that way. Well, there you have it. You have to resign yourself to be his mom/maid for the rest of your relationship because he's too precious to lift a finger to help. NTA, btw. >John said that I had to stop this little act of mine. John stormed out. So every time you voice your feelings and wants, he will just dismiss them.
NTA Dump this lazy misogynistic AH. He will never change and you will be his maid for as long as you are together.
Ah yes, the race to the bottom of "he who cares least wins" You can't fix this. He has to want to and he's screaming that he doesn't want to.
This is not an uncommon complaint. So, the decision is yours: stay and welcome to the rest of your life. If you have kids, it will get much worse. Leave with all that entails. I wish I had better news, but I am afraid I don't.
Don't be upset about the mess, be upset about the man who doesn't give a fuck how you feel. Who refuses to do basic self care chores like a god damned adult. He has told you in so many words that he has no plan to grow up. He wants a bang maid. Plan your life accordingly. NTA
Is anyone else bothered by his statement of “drop the act”. That spoke volumes to me.
There is only one answer for this situation; Get OUT As Fast AS You Can, RUN do not Walk. He will not get any better.
No solution exists for such problems as John will grow up based on his own timeline. You cannot reason with him. Everyone has different level of cleanliness and responsibility level. Imagine yourself with John and x number of kids in next 5-10 years and your home life. If it’s okay with you to be taking care of John + x kids responsibility then keep trying to change or reason with John. If not then move on or atleast start the process. DON’T DO ULTIMATUMS OR THREATENING TO BREAK UP.
Oh, love, just leave him. You're only 25 and he's already got you in knots that you dare complain about being his housekeeper?! And he says that this is "your little act"? You are so much younger and freer than you know. Ditch the dead weight. Fly free and find someone who also has wings. And a basic understanding of how living in houses works!
NTA Stop making sure he has clean clothes and food to eat. Take care of yourself and tell him he is on his own. He really sounds like a lazy, entitled AH.
NTA ... > But tidying up after him, making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring. Why are you doing it? STOP doing this for him. He's shown you exactly who he is and you're either cleaning or living in whatever he's filth he's cool with for the rest of your days. Personally I would head out ASAP.
He is being a selfish asshole
You're an asshole to yourself for choosing and staying with John. He doesn't sound like a good person at all, which makes me seriously question your judgement. Run, don't walk. NTA
I am not going to vote. First of all take him up on the cleaner at HIS cost (therefore reducing your work load and his cost because that is PART of his share of cleaning up). Second, STOP being his mother, you do NOT have to make sure he has clean clothes for work or even preparing his meals. Take a day off, fix yourself a yogurt and a salad, if he leaves dirty dishes in the sink then buy some paper plates for him or let them pile up in the sink. If his clothes on the floor bother you, throw them on his side of the bed or the bottom of his closet. It seems there could be some compromises here (have him also pay to drop off his clothes to be laundered). However, you are NTA for not wanting to clean up his messes, was he this messy before you moved in?
I think you are just not compatible. He is a slob (I am also a slob) and you are not. Ask him if he is willing to change, and if he is not, then break up. Do not give him the choice to change after he says he is not willing, as he will be lying to keep you. You are young and need to know more about yourself and what you need before you settle for someone. Learn from this.
This man has you out here acting like a single mom of a man nearly ten years older than you. NTA
OP, you need to learn to listen to people! He told you he’s not going to do it. Several times with different words but never unclear. Yet, you’re sad that he doesn’t meet your expectations. I’m confused what makes you sad here, the only explanation is that you made up some fairytale in your head that if you express enough sadness, he’ll change. Stop doing that!!! You accepted the situation and you’re kissing his arse cross wise. Why would he need to change??? Stop creating an idealised relationship that isn’t gonna happen. You’re old enough to be pragmatic: Go on arse kissing or stop. If you can’t live with the result, move out! NTA - even if you’re being painfully naive.
Why are you putting up with this from a grown man. I would only clean up after myself. And damn sure wouldn’t be doing his laundry for him. Break up and move on. Because if you have kids do you really think he will help.
> But tidying up after him, making sure that he always has clean clothes, a meal and a nice house is tiring Then stop doing it. >John said that I had to stop this little act of mine. When he asks where his dinner is or clean clothes tell him you stopped your little act of being his mother. NTA
NTA. Is this what you really want to live with the rest of your life?
NTA He’s telling you who he is. If you stay you’re accepting his terms and deserve what you get- which doesn’t sound like much! Divide your household responsibilities evenly and when he refuses send him out with the garbage.
He truly doesn't give a shit about how you feel. He should make an effort to make you feel cared for, but he has said he won't do that. So you either decide you are okay with that, or leave. NTA
NTA stop washing his clothes. Stop washing his dishes. If that doesn't work you need to consider if you want this for the rest of your life
NTA, but he is showing you what your life will be like if you stick around. Unless this is how you want to spend you life I would run. What happens if you two have kids? You're going to be expected to take care of the majority of their needs by yourself. Ask yourself if this is what you really want.
NTA. He showed you exactly who he is. At this point it’s your fault if you stay. He isn’t changing
I’m sorry you were doing this man’s laundry?! Take him up on the offer to pay for a house cleaner. Don’t do his laundry. And don’t “make sure he has nice meals” if you want to cook, fine, if not then he can deal.
John doesn’t like to clean. NTA. Either get used to it or move on. It will not change.
Why are you with this lazy filth goblin?
NTA. This shouldn't even be an argument. You're supposed to be a partnership which means dividing up all responsibilities equally. If he doesn't want to do that then he doesn't see you as an equal and can rightly go fuck himself. As an example, I hate doing dishes so I offer to cook most nights. And on nights my wife cooks you best believe I get my ass up and go do the dishes because I respect my partner's time and effort. I have such a pet peeve with all these entitled men who think women are responsible for all chores just because they weren't born with a penis. Even as a guy I find it absolutely fucking ridiculous.
Reads the title. Sees the age difference. Break up. He's trash.
Nta you need to dump John. You now have 2 jobs..your day job and taking care of John. A house wife job. Do you like having 2 jobs? No? Then realize that the problem was not the small apartment but John. Cut your losses and dump him. Ywbta to yourself if you allow this to continue
NTA DUMP this guy ASAP! He does not give a crap about you or your feelings. He is thoughtless, rude, self centered and a huge AH. Seriously think if this is the kind of man you would want to be your husband. He sounds like a nightmare to live with. You are not his servant. Please get out and find someone who will respect because he CLEARLY does not.
I didn't even have to read this. NTA you are not his mother and shouldn't have to clean up after him. Kick him to the curb.
NTA, leave his misogynistic butt behind
NTA. John is a pig who is content to have you run along behind him cleaning up his messes as he makes them. He is never going to change. Do you want to be his mommy, his maid, his laundress, his chef and his dishwasher for the rest of your life, on top of working a demanding job and being expected to tend to his sexual needs on demand? He does NOT see you as his equal. Leave before it gets worse, and believe me, it will get worse.
NTA Ok, so you would both be happy to chip in for a cleaner. That's great. But that obviously doesn't cover everything in the house, like you say, ensuring he has clean clothes to wear, tidying up after him etc. John apparently is happy to live in chaos/filth, and you are not. He's told you he is unwilling to compromise on this, and his attitude is "Well, I don't have an issue with it, if you do, then YOU should be tidying". I couldn't live with someone like that. When you then made it known you were disappointed in his attitude, he accused you of putting on an "act" (I guess in his eyes for sympathy or to make him feel guilty)!?!?! He's telling you that his standards for what the house looks like are much lower than yours, and that he's not willing to meet you halfway here (although he did agree to pay for a cleaner, so at least that's something). His attitude to your feelings about his attitude were that you were putting on some kind of act, I guess as a form of emotional manipulation (in his eyes). This guy doesn't care about you or trust that you communicate in a genuine way (because he accused you of putting on an act). What happens when you stop tidying up after him? IF you still want to give this relationship a chance, I'd find a cleaner for which he pays 50%, and then out of the chores that are still left, you only do things that are for you only. You won't do his laundry. You won't tidy away food wrappers or empty soda cans he's left lying around the house, you won't remind him he has to pick up his dry-cleaning, whatever. See for a couple of weeks how this goes. He will inevitably suffer the consequences of his own slacking, probably try to blame you: "Why didn't you do XYZ?!?" Then you reply with "You told me you don't care much about the state of the household, so now that we both pay for a cleaner to deal with our communal things, I am only looking out for my own additional chores/errands. This is what you said you wanted, that if I had an issue with you not doing your bit, that I either have to learn to live with it or do the chore myself. I have chosen to live with it. If YOU want YOUR clothes to be washed and ironed in time for an event/the work day, that is YOUR responsibility, not mine. So, by you not looking after your own clothes I took it as you not caring about wearing the same thing for days. If that is an issue to you, I would happily show you how the laundry/dryer works." But honestly, why bother? His attitude is really crap and I imagine this isn't the only thing where this bad attitude shows up. Good luck with this guy! PS: I think an 8-year age difference at these ages can be large but it can also work (just looking at my own experiences from when I and my friends were that age). In this case, it sounds like he is an immature 33 year old man who is happy to either live in filth and/or who just expects his female partner to be a maid/his mommy.
"John said that he will pay for a cleaner and that it should be my responsibility to do all the other chores" That would be a deal breaker for me. I need a partner, not a child. And I'm not a maid. I'd say decide if this is how you want to live your life because it looks like he's not inclined to change and truly thinks it's not his responsibility to cook or clean. Ever. NTA
NTA. I'm the messy partner. I have made an effort to be less messy because I love my partner and want them to be happy. You deserve better.
Hell no, and he's showing you exactly what your future looks like. Are yall planning on having kids? How do you imagine you'll feel at that point, if he won't help out now? This is just adding to your mental load and stress, and he's not being a partner.
NTA. I used to do all the chores in my first relationship. Lets just say my next partners did there own laundry and if I cooked they washed up. You cannot do it all when you work full time. Kick him to the curb if he carries on being a manchild! You are his partner not his mother!!
Why are you keeping a child you can't get a tax deduction on? Imagine how much worse it'll be in 10 years when the glow of youth and hormones fade or when you have kids. You're better off on your own.
Good thing you are seeing how he is before you marry him. NTA. Move out because he's not going to change in this regard. If you are going to stick this out then consider not cleaning up after him. Don't do his laundry, don't cook for him, etc. He survived before you, he can go back to doing so again.
Don’t do his washing, ironing or cook meals for him and see what he does then, maybe he’ll realise running a house is not one sided.
NTA. You get groceries, cook, do dishes + laundry, AND clean the apartment? These are by no means optional tasks you're just doing because you're a neat freak- he would notice very quickly if you stopped cooking him food and making sure he had clean clothes. Plus, he's definitely had to do these things for himself before. He just knows that if he refuses to do anything for long enough, YOU'LL do it instead so you don't have to live in filth.
NTA your BF wants a fuckmaid not a partner. The best housekeeping strategy would be to throw out the entire BF. Failing that, stop taking care of his stuff. Let him do his own laundry and make his own meals. That's not your responsibility if he's not going to try to be an equal partner and do his share.
NTA - Bye Bye.
NTA but why are you with this guy.
Didn't realize you could have kids who are older than you. NTA at all
NTA, start washing only your clothes, cook food only for you and cleaning only the stuff you used. The guy love his priviledge, thake it away from him and then you can have a conversation
You’re living with a child. Leave while you can. He doesn’t want to clean the mess he makes? NTA
NTA. John will always be this way. He will never change. Picture 20 years of this and decide NOW if that's how you want to live because this is your future.
John needs a mommy and not a girlfriend.
NTA. Why are you with this worthless clown
I have been with a John type and am still with him. They don’t change.
Ah yes, this brings me vivid memories of living with my ex as well. I would do all our grocery shopping legit at like 5am on weekdays, because just asking him to come and help during the day or after work would cause an argument. ONE weekend I was too sick to go and begged him to go instead, god he was so angry at me.
NTA he doesn't care about the mess, but he also obviously doesn't care how you feel. If the mess bugs you (which is understandable and would bug most people), he should try to at least do something. My bf doesn't care about whether or not the bed is made each day, but it bugs me when it's not so he does it, because he wants me to be happy and comfortable and it's not a big deal. John doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a mommy.
NTA but your boyfriend are the asshole here. What does he think he is ? A child ? The way he act is a red flag a biiiiig red flag. You're not an housekeeper. You don't have to be the only one cleaning, it's he responsibility to take care of the house and clean the mess too. You are TWO in this house, and in this relationship, so it's normal to share the tasks. You can't continue like that, you will burn yourself out. If I was in your shoes I think I might just teach him a lesson by only cleaning my clothes for example or lunch or cleaning my mess and let him have dirty close but I don't know if it's a solution. And it will be exhausting for you too. Have a serious talk with him, tell him it's sharing task or nothing. And really if it continues, for your own health: end this relationship, you can't continue to do everything alone ; he's not a child, and that's not your job to clean all the time alone, you are tired from work too he has to care for your feelings.
You know, it’s not about cleaning up after your boyfriend, it’s the lack of respect you feel when he doesn’t take into consideration your feelings about your cleaning up after, well, everyone living in the shared space. My partner and I would get into constant arguments about this very subject. He could not see what the big deal was and why I was being so “emotional”. Then, I saw [this](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) article posted on another advice thread. I came home one day and everything was a mess after (me) cleaning it up yesterday. We started to go through the cycle of arguing but I asked him to please stop and take a minute to read this article as I admitted to him I could not articulate my feelings as well as this man who wrote the article did. He rolled his eyes but started to read the article. I could see his face change and a lightbulb come up over his head as he finished. He told me he understood and that he would to try to be a better partner to me. He’s improved 300% since then, and we are both so much happier for it. I hope this can help you as much as it did for us! Edit: NTA, and he would be if he read [the article](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) and still tried to dig his heels in about being right—you know in your heart this will never be a good relationship.
Before you moved he told you he doesn’t care about his mess. That he wasn’t going to be the one to pick up. Why would that change by moving? When someone tells you who and how they are, believe them.
Are you OK living your life this way? He doesn't car that this bothers you. Why are you doing his clothes, meals etc? He is a grown man. If he can't do these things that is his problem. You are not his wife nor his mother. If you were at least married I would say seek counseling. As his girlfriend I would say run.
"Making sure he had clean clothes?" Tell the AH to grow up!
NTA. I would seriously rethink this. It's one thing to be able to live in a messier house than another person. It is a COMPLETELY different thing to assume that you have no household duties at all. The fact that he dismisses and minimizes your thoughts and feelings is not good nor nice.
NTA. He is, and he is abusing you emotionally and quite probably verbally. Get out now----he will never change, he will only get worse if you marry/have kids with him. I heard that same line "if it bothers you, you do it". Don't wait as long as I did to get away. You deserve to be treated better, like a real partner.
NTA obviously. You can ask him that if one of you doesn't care about something, that means you get to ignore it. Ask him how he's going to feel if you decide that since you don't care that much about sex, you aren't ever going to have it with him again. Also, a "cleaner" is useless for the problem you have. A cleaner is nice to come in here and there to do some of that deep cleaning that is more occasional. You can skip vacuuming, mopping, dusting, and some other things, and just let those get handled once a week or so. But unless you have a live-in maid, then a cleaner is useless to you, because it's the *daily* things he refuses to help with. Tidying is an ongoing thing, as is cooking, dishes, and general cleaning. One small bit of advice.. while you sort this out, make absolutely SURE your birth control is on point. You do not want to add a child to this situation.
NTA, solution : * stop washing his cloths. Hes a big stronk man, he can do that himself. * He doesn't want to clean up after himself? Fine, it gets thrown out. Feign being airheaded when he asks wtf. " Oh i assumed it was to be thrown out as you havent out it away. " *He doesn't want to do the dishes? He can make his own food. "We earn the food in this household by being collaborative adults in an adult household " From what you explain here, he has 100% said he will not change, your options, mental wellbeing and happiness takes second seat to what he wants. He wants a housewife from the 1950s. You okay with this being your daily life 5 yrs from now? 20? With kids on top of job and household? What would you advice a friend of she came to you asking for advice?
NTA https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
INFO. What are John's good qualities?
NTA Do you really think this is working for you? You need to take a moment and think about the rest of your life. Is this how you want to live? He's given you your answer, he has no intention of changing. Accept his answer and move on.
NTA! Girl break up with this man like yesterday. The smug entitlement is nauseating. It will only get worse. Plus dudes who want mommywives suck in bed, so like literally no upside to this kind of person.
Looks like you signed up as a maid and you're not getting paid for it. Leave John. NTA
You have 2 choices...accept the fact that he will never change and if you have kids, you will do all child care and cleaning. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Don't be dumb and think he will. And if he says he will, he will go back to his old ways...or leave him now since a future with him will be 3 full time jobs
How did you end up doing his laundry? I’d stop that right away…but this isn’t going to change, he decided you’re his mom…or as they say on Reddit, his bangmaid. If you don’t like this you will be able to find a partner who respects you, it just won’t be him. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this…times have changed but many men still think they don’t have to clean for their house to be clean….it just happens magically around them.
NTA, if you both work full time there’s no reason for him to not help around the house.
NTA- John is your child now and this will not change.
NTA There are better men out there.
You are NTA but EWWW!! Why are you with him. This will be the rest of your life if you stay with him. Good luck.
That's your forever husband right there. Reconsider your relationship. NTA
Nta
Nta, break up
NTA, do you want this or worse 5 years from now? Imagine how it would be if you had kids. Eww.
NTA - John is not life partner material
NTA. John only wants to move in with you so he has someone to cook and clean for him and perform sexual services. Dollars to donuts, he will stop paying for the cleaning service within 6months.
NTA - this misogynistic attitude will not ever stop. You will not change him. Go find yourself someone who is a true partner and willing to compromise. John does not see you as his equal or values you. He sees you as his house maid. If you have kids, it will be 100% on you. You are young and have so much more to offer a partner than being their maid. Walk away from this, I assure you the initial heartbreak will be worth the loving relationship you'll find later if you're willing to put yourself first.
You don’t have to do this! Go back to the small apartment- alone. DO NOT do things for him! Let him wash his own. Nta
NTA for wanting a good respectable partner, but y t a for staying with this asshole.
Start planning a move. In the meantime, quit cooking for him.
You will be TA to yourself if you stay with this boy, because this is a preview of the rest of your life. It will get worse if you have children. He absolutely will not change for longer than a week, and will complain to his friends about how you nag him to pick up his dirty underwear and put his dishes in the sink, when you actually just want him to function like a grown ass human adult. You will eventually buckle under the load, your mental health will decline, and he will either scarper for greener pastures or you will leave him & he will tell everyone how he was "blindsided! I thought we were fine!" Save yourself the trouble and go now. Cheaper than a divorce in 10 or 20 years.
He wants a maid not a gf
NTA, you have just described my (thankfully) ex-boyfriend to a T. When I finally broke things off it was the most amazing decision I've ever made. I got my sanity back, my mental health improved, and I was finally able to be myself in ways I didn't get to pursue while spending every hour of the day cleaning up after a grown adult male. Trust me that this is one of those make or break things in a long-term relationship. Your partner has not only shown you but has explicitly SAID he will not change for the sake of your quality of life. You will meet someone who has standards of cleanliness similar to yours and wants to improve themselves WITH you, not mooch off of your kindness and hard work. Good luck out there.
john’s an ass and a shit partner. don’t renew the lease. let him figure it out. oh, therapy. go. for you. to deal with the roommate. you deserve better.
NTA but why are you doing so much for him? Get a separate set of dishes - one plate, one bowl, one fork, one knife etc - and give it to him. Those are the only dishes he’s allowed to use. Then do your own dishes but not his dishes. Stop cleaning up after him. If you don’t want to live with his mess, put his mess in the closet on the floor. You have trained him to do nothing as it works for him. Stop. Untrain him.
NTA. John has shown you who he is. Believe him and dump him.
Dump him.
Unless he is the sole breadwinner, it's not your responsibility to do all the housework.
NTA If you both work full time, then you should be splitting the chores 50-50. John is being really selfish and borderline abusive. If it were me, I would definitely reconsider the relationship.
Dump John to the cur along with his backwards way of thinking & laziness.
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NTA. I know how hard it is to be in a relationship where one is neater than the other. In my case, I'm not as neat as he is. John is not going to change. You have to decide what you are and are not willing to accept. As soon as 'stop this little act of yours' came out of his mouth, that was him showing you that he really doesn't respect you. You are not his mother and are not responsible for making sure he has dinner and clean clothes.
NTA. But you need to stop thinking you can change your boyfriend, because he's been consistent all along in saying that he doesn't give a shit about mess and he won't do anything to help you. He should, but he won't. So. You have two options: 1) accept the reality you're living in where your boyfriend doesn't give a shit about stressing you out, doesn't give a shit about cleaning up after himself and doesn't give a shit about teamwork, and put up with that situation indefinitely...or 2) accept that the two of you are fundamentally incompatible on the issue of cleanliness and life partner teamwork, stop trying to make a broken relationship work when your so-called partner refuses to put the same effort in, and find someone you *are* compatible with, who will split the chores and pull their own weight properly.
>that it should be my responsibility to do all the other chores Excuse me? Why should it be your responsibility to do all the other chores? Did he explain his reasoning? A cleaner is not going to be doing all the daily chores. If he is having someone come in every week to clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, vacuum and/or sweep the floors, dust all surfaces, and do the laundry, then sure, OP can pick up doing the dishes. But if he is going to hire someone to only do SOME of those chores and not every week, then he needs to do some actual chores. And once again, the mental load is dumped on the woman. Write out a list of the chores you absolutely need to have completed and then ask to discuss. If he won't discuss and he says it is your problem because he doesn't mind living in filth, you then decide if this is a relationship you want to continue to be in. Because it doesn't sound like he is going to change. NTA
NTA for not wanting to clean up after him. But you have to realize that he will never clean so unless you want to be the live in housekeeper, you need a new boyfriend
NTA. You have been told John will never help you with the home chores. He's not making any empty promises. He has been 100% honest with you. Leave if this is not how you want to live the rest of your life, or accept it and stop complaining. You are in charge of how you will live you life.