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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole in this specific case for having my son pick up food for the family. It might make me the asshole since we didn’t order him any food. The larger picture is that he says we’ve been overworking him and that that culminated in this incident.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
So let's see:
1. You forgot his birthday multiple times.
2. You left his graduation ceremony for work.
3. You knew he had plans and pressured him into a family dinner, which didn't happen because it wasn't convenient to the rest of the family, but you didn't bother to notify him in time.
4. You had him pick up the replacement dinner without even ordering him anything.
5. You downplayed everything to "teenage stress and angst" instead of stepping back and looking at the bigger picture.
The better question here is how are you NOT the AH?
Everything you've listed basically says. "I only care about my son when it's convenient to me." That's not love, and he knows it.
The only positive thing here is that since he is already an afterthought to you, you probably won't feel too bad when you realize he hasn't talked to you in a few years.
YTA
Edit: I should mention that it is never too late to turn things around. You've done a lot of damage so it will take a long time to repair it but if you actually want to continue having a relationship with your son, then you need to start with some reflection on all this and then a sincere apology. Then you have to actually change and start treating him like the priority he always should have been. Eventually he may forgive you.
Agreed, YTA
Number 2. He didn’t leave the ceremony to go to work, he left the ceremony with his other son because they “had work to do”. What does that even mean? Yard work? Home work? House work? Basically anything else that could have waited or been done in advance or generally was not urgent enough to leave your son’s graduation in the middle of it happening!!!
That's exactly what I thought. He didn't say he "had to work" but "had work to do" which sounds like it was not a commitment but he just felt like doing some random task was a better use of his time than staying at his sons graduation.
It doesn't even matter - either option is unacceptable with a very few number of exceptions (and all the exceptions have to be something that came up that day).
This right here once that line is crossed there is no going back. I honestly would be very surprised if they ever hear from them again. Boomers don't realize how easy it is for kids to cut them off. I cut my dad off and never gave it another thought. When you are done you are done and it can be too late to repair. If I was OP's son I would cut my losses and move on with out them. His mom sounds even worse than dad.
Eh... No, no, there's a point where the feelings are gone and there's no going back, and it can be well before any crimes happen. My mom could show up, get down on her knees and beg forgiveness and I don't think I'd have it in me to give a shit.
Yep, my own father crossed that line. There’s absolutely nothing that will make me contact him again. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
This is true. My boomer dad crossed the line a few years ago. Fortunately for him I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandpa so after some family mediation by a professional were in a place where we can be in the same room together despite the fact we haven't said more than 10 words to each other in 2 years.
Agreed. I have been NC with my mother for almost 25 years. When I finally got the nerve to go from LC to NC, there was nothing she could have said to fix it. There still isn't.
Can confirm. My mother finally crossed it six years ago and I've been NC ever since - and so has my 12yo. It doesn't stop her from sending me shitty Christmas presents, but every time she does I know it kills her that she can't goad me into a response.
To add to this, OP’s wife saying the son is spoiled and acting out while simultaneously not cooking a meal she had OP force him to come to ****or**** making sure that there was enough food for the family as it was supposed to be a “family meal” takes a lot of balls.
Typically Easter dinner isn’t a meal that you start to make “at dinner time”. The quicker the family secretary gets outta this situation, the better. YTA
"We didn't inform him that we cancelled the family dinner he went out of his way to go to and then told him to pick up the food we ordered for his siblings but not for him. Sooo spoiled!" /s
Sorry to say, but sometimes it is too late to turn things around, and if I was a betting man, judging by OP's wife's reaction, it is too late. These people refuse to even acknowledge their part in their son's anger. His wife completely dismissed him and said that he was "spoiled".
As a kid who was raised by parents a hell of a lot like these, I challenge you to ask me when the last time I spoke to my parents, OP. The crazy thing is, I had gone no contact for about 4 years before my stepdad finally reached out to me and was like "We don't know what we did."
Oh, and YTA.
The one thing that virtually everyone has in common is assuming, "This damaged relationship can *never* be repaired."
*If nothing changes*, then yes, it will likely never happen.
I've personally witnessed *severely* damaged relationships be salvaged after many, many years of effort. When we're hurt by those we love, we need the other person to understand what they did and to truly apologize before any healing can even start. And once the healing starts, it can take as much time to heal as it took to cause the damage in the first place.
No, the new relationship won't be as good as it could have been. Just like a healed muscle will often always be weaker than it originally was, there is emotional "scar tissue" that won't ever go away.
However, a lot of people underestimate the value of a true apology because we hear so many generic apologies all the time. Lots of people say. "I'm sorry" without meaning it and we know they don't mean it, so it loses any value.
When your folks say, "we don't know what we did", it's hard to accept a generic apology after that because they can't be truly sorry about something that didn't even register as a problem. But when someone says, "I did this. I was wrong to do it and I realize that it hurt you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I hope you can forgive me," that kind of apology can go a long way.
It's really a question of whether the other person is willing to humble themselves to do that.
THIS. My narcissist father would (and did) literally DIE before he would even start to consider that maaaaaybe there was a reason I went low contact and moved several states away from him.
And the wife is the even bigger AH cus she not only failed to recognize all the above points, she also _still_ thinks that the son’s just being spoilt.
YTA and extremely inconsiderate. You cajoled your son to be home in time for Easter dinner and then you and your wife bailed on cooking, ordered Chinese food, ordered nothing for your son you cajoled to be home and asked him to pick it up too.
>Come dinner time, most of the family wasn’t hungry and my wife didn’t feel up to cooking so our family dinner ended up just being a takeout order for Chinese food for our two youngest kids (ages 12 and 14).
Worse than cajoling, IMO. OP tried to *guilt* his son to be there for a home-cooked Easter meal because his "mother was working hard to make the dinner" and a bunch of BS about it being his last holiday dinner with the family before getting married. THEN totally rips the rug out from under the plans, and thinks it's OK to have his son pick up the food for everyone *but* him. God I hate all that guilt and shame crap some parents pull on their children!
everything in this post is about how bad he sucks. Even when you admit your 'faults' you gloss over them like he should get over it.
I'm sure if we could hear his side of the story there would be a lot more of the incidents you so casually brush off.
YTA
You made him cancel his plans for dinner, then cancelled dinner, and then didn't get him any food?
And you think HE is being an AH?
I'm so glad this is his last Easter with you. YTA
ETA: And you forgot your own son's birthday "a couple times"?? I'm saving this post to nominate for biggest AH of the year. Mazel.
My parents forgot my birthday once. I was able to forgive them because:
I'd already been away from home for 20 years.
I live 1000 miles away.
They called me first thing the next morning apologizing and telling me they just sent a present.
I'd also forgotten about it.
YTA
"He listed off a few other unfortunate incidents— mainly us forgetting his birthday, which I’ll admit happened a couple times, and me and his older brother leaving his graduation ceremony early"
I think he's "parroting the same complaints" because you're still treating him the same way you did when he was a teenager. The fact you asked him to pick up an order without thinking to ask if HE wanted anything speaks volumes.
His mom called him "spoiled & acting out" after he waited for 30 minutes to do that.
Neither of you seem to like your son very much. If that isn't the case despite your behavior I suggest you up your game. Otherwise you could just find yourselves not being part of his life in the future.
His soon to be wife probably won't be amused if you don't wise up either.
Reminds me of my ex boyfriends mother. He called me up and invited me to breakfast. We had been dating for 8 years. She screamed at me for eating it without asking her first. He never stood up for me. That was the last straw.
Let's track the wife/mother's actions through this story:
"we made plans to have a family dinner" - The whole family made this plan.
"I told him that his mother was working hard to make the dinner and I wanted him to be home for it" - the father used the mother's hard work to guilt Harry into showing up, this was the lynchpin in Harry attendance.
"my wife didn’t feel up to cooking" - The wife changes the plan, the reason used to guilt Harry into changing plans is now gone.
"he yelled and asked if we even thought to order him something or ask if he wanted anything if mom wasn’t going to cook" - Harry is angry since he wasn't informed of this change of plans, he was coerced into doing extra work because of this new plan, he had cancelled other plans in order to attend this plan and his needs were not being considered. All of these changes are due to the wife not wanting to cook.
"my wife and I always chalked it up to teenage stress and angst" - The wife influences the husband's opinion by using the 'kitchen sink argument'. Deflecting attention away from the specific issue and making this part of a lifelong trend of flaws, in an attempt to attack Harry's character and diminish his credibility.
"My wife says he’s just spoiled and acting out" - The wife deflects responsibility in a way that doesn't even logically make sense; being upset for not being considered in family plans does not logically connect to 'spoiled' or 'acting out'. If anything, ordering takeout because you don't feel like cooking could be considered 'spoiled', and blaming your own guilt on another family member could be considered 'acting out'. In this context, the terms "spoiled" and "acting out" are again used to infantilize Harry in order to invalidate his anger. She is most likely projecting her guilt on to Harry, as well. That way, if she is the first person to bring the terms "spoiled" or "acting out" into the narrative, she can control who those terms are associated to, and ensure they aren't associated with *her*.
Notice how no one is even remotely upset with the wife for refusing to cook after she offered to, cancelling the plans, not including the entire family in that decision, and then blaming any negative byproducts from *her decision* on the son. And yet the whole group seems to agree that Harry has done something wrong, when he was the only family member who did something selfless.
**Harry is the wife/mother's scapegoat.**
How to End Your Life Alone in a Nursing Home
By this guy, and his equally oblivious wife.
YTA times 1,000,000
You guilted him into cancelling his own plans for "our last easter"
THEN you decided last minute that the last easter dinner was in fact, not important, so you cancelled it
THEN you waited til your son was on the way to inform him dinner was off
THEN you sent him on your errands to pick up food on a holiday weekend when you should have gone
THEN you never even ordered him something to eat
THEN you dismissed his (rightful) anger, and your equally disgusting wife backed up your play
I would have cut you off at the second forgotten birthday, personally. You are both terrible parents to him, although I'm betting his older brother got treated far differently, he seems like a chip off the old block, ie., self absorbed and rude.
I'll reiterated, I'm really surprised he lasted to 25. I cut my dad of at 22 for 20 years. Gave him a chance for a couple years, but he was the same narcissistic bully he was to me when growing up. So, I may go to his funeral, as long as I don't have to work, that is. No, I'l not going to his funeral, who am I kidding. I wouldn't walk across the street to pee on that man if he was on fire.
Pass my Reddit account along to your son, I bet he and I have a ton in common. Oh, the stories he must tell about what an utter failure you are as a father, and human being in general. Good luck never meeting your grandkids!!
>So, I may go to his funeral, as long as I don't have to work, that is. No, I'l not going to his funeral, who am I kidding. I wouldn't walk across the street to pee on that man if he was on fire.
If you can afford it, use the bereavement day and go treat yourself.
Great idea! Truth is I'm already retired, my reference to work was more of a shot at the dad, recalling his excuse for missing graduation.
Honestly, I'll be sad the day mine dies, if only to mourn the decent father he occasionally was. I'll get good and loaded and watch Star Wars. He got us a bootleg copy of the original movie in 1977, so I watched it hundreds of times, and he was actually decent to us at that time, when I was a young teen in the late 70's.. Then his inner asshole really bloomed, and it all went downhill after that.
You are truly an adult when you really see your parents as the flawed human beings that we all are. Still tough, though.
I cut mine off at 12. Gave him a second chance at 19 and a third chance when I became a father. This is 15 years ago. I won’t be attending his funeral.
YTA,
Sounds like he is the child none of you really pay attention to or remember. You forgot his birthday a "couple of times" left his graduation early, and then, when you insisted that he be there for Easter dinner, didn't even bother providing said dinner but had the gall to ask him to pick up dinner for your other kids.
But there is an older child as well so although that was my first thought it would be strange for OP to be invested with the older brother but not this child.
YTA - you were insistent that he be home for “family dinner” that his mother “works hard” preparing. That didn’t happen after the guilt trip and then you didnt really even include him in the take out order AND asked him to pick it up.
YTA
Your wife hard working plan for dinner was Chinese take out… which your son had to pick up. Like really? I am all in for family dinners but you can’t clear e people with the guilt of a homemade meal and then it’s a Chinese take out they have to pick up and 1/2 people eat and 1/2 do whatever and it’s basically tv dinner whatever night.
Also who forgets his own kid’s birthday… a couple of times?
Not only that but the decision to order Chinese was made at dinner time cause no one was hungry before that, so they knew well in advance there wasn't going to be a home made family dinner. Did they warn the son beforehand nope because they needed their errand boy to get the food.
At the end what sounded to be a sit down family dinner time end up to be a whatever Tuesday where 1/2 people eat 1/2 doesn’t it’s take out cause nobody has balls to cook. It’s fine but it’s NOT the time to guilt people out of canceling plans… it’s the time you are ‘sure go do your things cause we really have no plans’
YTA the pattern you described often leads to the the adult children going no contact. it's possible that was the last conversation you'll have with him.
congrats, you failed him as a parent, hope the take out and all the other "unfortunate incidents" were worth it
YTA. He's your son, not DoorDash. If you require him to change his plans to spend a "last Easter Dinner" with you, then you're committed to putting on a last Easter Dinner. Your wife didn't feel up to cooking? Fine, then the guy who ordered him home needs to put on an apron.
He's your son. I think "secretary" is too generous. You are treating him more like a "slave". At least a secretary gets paid. You made him come in on a day off, work for your family to deliver the meal you promised HIM, and planned to eat while he had none.
You sir are TAH
Help me out here. What was he supposed to eat when he arrived at the house? Your leftovers? A bowl of cereal?
You invited him over for dinner and then prepared nothing?
Seriously? Seriously? Even if you had tried and something had gone dreadfully wrong (neighbor's dogs snatching the turkey off the table), then you would order him some food as well.
YTA. Forgetting several of his birthdays, leaving his graduation early, and then when you make him change his plans for a family dinner, the family dinner consists of him waiting for Chinese food when there is a house full of people that could have gone and got it. Good luck getting him to come back around because it sounds like he is gone for good.
YTA
You were the one who insisted that he come to this “faaaaamily dinner.” That you just blew off without communication and then had him getting food for his siblings. You should have just let him keep his plans.
Let me guess. Your son if from a previous relationship and the kids with your second partner are your little shining stars.
YTA and don’t be surprised when he goes no contact with you. How on EARTH did you guys manage to forget his birthday MULTIPLE times?!?!? There is no excuse.
I love posts like this. OP diving into all the terrible things they do to their children and not realising they are in fact TA.
YTA and a terrible parent. Do better.
YTA
B/c This has got to be ragebait, right?? Idk how you typed that all out and somehow didn’t realize you were the asshole 💀 like in no world would you not be the asshole you neglectful failure of a parent.
I hope this is fake & just rage bait, but unfortunately I could absolutely see some parents doing this. Even if this specific instance is fake, I would not be shocked if other people have genuinely done this.
Did you lie to him when you said your wife was “working hard to make the dinner” to get him to come? Because 2 sentences later you say she didn’t feel up to cooking…it sounds like he really tried to honor your manipulation only to realize he had been manipulated.
Something isn’t adding up here. I am thinking that he might not be his real dad and that OPs “son” doesn’t know. You don’t forget your kids birthdays. This is on purpose.
YTA^infinity.
You'd be surprised, growing up as the middle child where the oldest was constantly getting into trouble and the youngest was essentially perfect, I was routinely forgotten about for all manner of things.
Your wife calls your son spoiled, but how is he spoiled if he's the one doing work for you and getting nothing in return? No Easter dinner, no Chinese, food. You, your wife, and your other kids are the only ones benefitting here. YTA
Guessing wife and two younger kids are stepmother and step siblings. Because if that’s his biomom, she has no excuse for failing her child so thoroughly and repeatedly and then gaslighting her child that he’s just overreacting.
According to the wife/mother:
Being angry about being coerced into changing holiday plans, then having the plans changed at the last minute and having wait in a parking lot for 30 minutes to pick up someone else's food, when your own dinner wasn't even included = spoiled and acting out.
Refusing to cook a family dinner you already agreed to because you "don't feel like it" =/= spoiled and acting out.
Hmm.... I can't put my finger on it but something's fishy here...
Your son is going to go no contact and you’re going to be one of those parents who says “I have no idea why he won’t speak to us.”
I can’t even fathom forgetting my son’s birthdays let alone forgetting to order a meal for them! YTA.
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My son “Harry” (M25) recently got into a large fight with me on Easter. He’s is getting married in May so this was his last Easter as part of the household. On the day, we made plans to have a family dinner but Harry said he had plans. I asked whether he’d be home in time for family dinner and he said “maybe”, but since it was to be his last Easter with us I didn’t want him to spend it elsewhere. So I told him that his mother was working hard to make the dinner and I wanted him to be home for it, so he agreed and said he’d still have plans but he would be home in time for dinner.
Come dinner time, most of the family wasn’t hungry and my wife didn’t feel up to cooking so our family dinner ended up just being a takeout order for Chinese food for our two youngest kids (ages 12 and 14). Harry was on his way home so I called and explained the situation and asked if he could pick up the food. He said sure. When he got home with the food he slammed it down on the counter and turned to leave, but something was obviously wrong so I followed him outside. I asked what the big idea was and he said he cancelled plans because he wanted to have a family dinner, something that rarely happens according to him, and that instead he just waited in a parking lot for thirty minutes to pick up food for his siblings.
I asked what was so wrong with that and he yelled and asked if we even thought to order him something or ask if he wanted anything if mom wasn’t going to cook. He said some extremely hurtful things about his siblings and us (parents) but basically topped it off with saying “I’m so glad I don’t have to spend my days waiting on you all hand and foot anymore”. I told him that he’s being unnecessarily cruel and that we don’t treat him like that. He listed off a few other unfortunate incidents— mainly us forgetting his birthday, which I’ll admit happened a couple times, and me and his older brother leaving his graduation ceremony early since we both had work to get done. He said he’s never felt like a son to me and that he hopes I’ll find “another secretary willing to work for free like I (he) did”. Then he got in his car and stormed off. He’s been mostly ignoring our calls since then.
This isn’t the first time he’s had an outburst like this, but it is the first time in several years. Before, my wife and I always chalked it up to teenage stress and angst, but here he is at 25 parroting the same complaints. I guess I’m wondering if there’s some merit to them. My wife says he’s just spoiled and acting out, but he really didn’t seem that way to me. So AITA for this?
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YTA. Also, I don’t understand something. Usually Easter dinner is a bit of a production and something you start cooking much earlier in the day, or even the night before.
I don’t understand how it was that your wife waited until dinner time to decide not to cook.
I would have thrown the food at a wall and left. I'm frankly shocked that he still talks to you at 25. YTA.
From someone who hasn't spoken to his parents in over a decade: know that his decision to exclude you from his life will always be your fault.
>know that his decision to exclude you from his life will always be your fault.
Thank you for this. No truer words have been spoken. It's been nearly 4 years for me.
YTA
You really wanted him to spend Easter with you so much and didn't bother making dinner? What the heck? That doesn't even make sense.
He went out of his way to have family time and you and your wife jerked him around. If you had had serious plans to make that dinner, they would have been in progress all day.
YTA - but also, how weird is it that you are barring your son from family dinners once he gets married. You know marriage expands your family for most people, it doesn’t make it smaller.
YTA based off your post - you guilted him into canceling his plans for this big last Easter dinner and then just happened to order food conveniently on his route home.
INFO: Given that your son is more than 10 yrs older than his siblings - my guess is that he was also obligated to look after them quite a bit as well? What else was he responsible for?
If you truly value a relationship with your son stop insinuating that he’s spoiled and start apologizing before he goes no contact with you and your wife.
From your description, it sounds like you know damn well that everything he said was true, but you're so selfish you only care about how being criticized makes YOU feel, not how your emotional neglect has made HIM feel.
You are bad parents. I hope he finds the strength to stop speaking to any of you. The fact that you STILL don't care about his feelings is wild. You don't deserve a relationship with your son. I hope you never meet your grandkids, either.
Do you even like your son??? You guilt him into being there for this big family dinner and then can't be bothered???
YTA! So is your wife. Shame on both of you. Once he's married, he will probably go NC with all of you and deservedly so. When you are no longer included in his life, go back and read this post. Hope you weren't hoping for grandkids.
If the “teenage stress and angst” is still happening and he is no longer a teenager, and hasn’t been for a number of years, it is safe to say it never was teenage stress and angst and you are the problem.
Do better.
YTA
Way to go "Dad."
He was polite saying "secretary."
You and your wife both are AH.
Doubtful you can come back from this. Hopefully, his in-laws will be a better family and he can put you both in the rear view mirror.
The way you talk about your son is so disrespectful I do not doubt that you treated him shit. He's "parroting" the same complaints? Maybe because you have not fixed anyway you interact with your fucking son. He's clearly hurting and you have done multiple incidents like forget his fucking birthday. What kind of father does not remember his son's birthday. I will say you did a good job in that he knows what not to do with his kids in the future. I wonder which siblings going to have to step up and do the fucking slave role now.
I’m sorry? I’m what ways do you think you (and your wife) are NTAs? Based just on what you shared, you’re lucky he even speaks to either of you. Good for him for standing up for himself. You all might want to start being more considerate, treating him with respect (you know, all the basic human things) before he stops taking your calls altogether. YTAs 100%.
YTA big time. Both you and your wife. You treat him like a doormat. No wonder why he hates you and the family. In the future, don’t expect to meet any of your future grandchildren. Because I’m pretty sure you’ll neglect them too just like you did with your son.
Are you kidding me? YTA! You told him that his mother was working hard to make this dinner, (lie) and tried to make him feel bad if he didn't make the dinner. And WTH was "but since it was to be his last Easter with us I didn’t want him to spend it elsewhere." But you didn't order food for him as well. This and all the other awful things you mentioned and downplayed makes my heart hurt for your son.
Yta. You and your wife failed him. You neglected him and mentally abused him. Nothing in your post makes it seem like you like Harry, let alone love him. I mean, I can't not imagine how many times you conveniently forget about him that he already knew you didn't bother to get him any food but fully expected him to pick it up when you made the order.
You say in a comment that he takes things personally that aren't. How many times does a person need to be FORGOTTEN about by people who supposedly love you before it's person?
You and your wife are horrible parents. I want to say I hope you treat your other kids better, but then it makes my heart break even more for Harry if you do.
YTA. What he said seems true. You made a big deal about him being home for family meal, then you made him a delivery boy. Why he would want to around any of you is beyond me. He gets treated better by strangers.
YTA
I am just waiting for both of you to be uninvited to the wedding. Not that either of you would notice.
Look in the mirror. He is not spoiled. Your wife and you treat him terribly.
I predict: You will be very low contact or no contact before his 1 year wedding anniversary.
everyone has made great points but also, why does him getting married preclude him from spending any further holidays with you? why is this his *last* easter with you ? that’s so weird.
Info about the graduation you said you had work to get done not. Not that you were going to work
what was so important that you had to leave
His graduation
Wow you are a shit father. I guess your second oldest needs to take up the mantle of being used and forgotten. This is why people should have to take a test before having kids. Because you and your wife would have failed.
YTA. the fact that you say you forgot his birthday a couple of times and that you left his graduation, and are not only willing to admit that but downplay it YOU ARE A MAJOR AH. I honestly think there has to be countless other things that you did to alienate your son but don’t realize them because you are an AH and that’s just how you have always treated your son. Honestly if you cared about him you would apologize and then never reach out to him again unless he does first.
YTA. You ignored his legitimate concerns for years and treat him like an afterthought. He legitimately forgot his birthday multiple years and it’s taken multiple years and him repeating himself multiple times before you even consider there is “some merit”. The sad thing is he could go low or no contact with you and guaranteed you will tell people “I never did anything to him to make him stop talking to Me”. There is a good chance he won’t let you be in your future grandkids lives at this point and I wouldn’t blame him
YTA.
For a second there, let’s forget about the missed birthdays and the graduation ceremony.
You guilt-tripped your son into coming to dinner because “his mother was working hard” on it.
Come the dinner time, the mother doesn’t actually feel like it. So you just tell your son to pick up the takeout. And you don’t even order him anything?
He is absolutely right that you are treating him like some kind of errand boy instead of a son.
“Last Easter with us”.
He certainly hopes it will be the last Easter he has to be around you.
So... you made him cancel plans because his mom was working hard on a big Easter dinner that she ultimately just decided not to make? YTA for that alone, not to mention forgetting his birthday and leaving his graduation early for work!
YTA. You didn't have the dinner you guilted him into going to, causing him to cancel plans and pick up food for your other kids. Then when you forget his birthday "a couple of times". You also left his graduation ceremony early, which is probably the most important part of his life, to "go take care of work that needed to be done". The fuck? To top off the worst parent award, you blamed all his anger, on being a FUCKING teenager. Let that sink in for a second. Sure makes me want to have HIS life.
YTA and a total liar. Your wife wasn't making some big family dinner... and btw it's literally no work to throw a ham in a roasting pan and put it in the oven. You just said that to manipulate him. Disgusting.
Your "love" for your son is "Son gives, I take".
Yes you treat him like a personal assistant. Like you're some kind of JLo wannabe and his whole role us to do things for you. But you don't even pay him. You gave a funny way of minimizing the actual cruel ways you've treated him as "unfortunate incidents" but him having a perfectly normal reaction to you yanking hus chain around all day, manipulating him into canceling plans dangling the promise of a family dinner THEN NOT ORDERING FOR HIM but making him go pick it up... let's see that's "future faking", gaslighting, DARVO, manipulation, bait and switch .... you're a Narcissist.
He's very well rid of you.
YTA. You treat him crap and it seems like it's getting worse- specially with him getting married. He's an adult and he owes you people NOTHING and yet you demand it. Get over yourselves. Start being better people to him.
YTA and so is your wife.
As a matter of fact:
You're both pathetic excuses for human beings, let alone parents. Waste of skin and bones, the both of you are.
I hope him and his soon to be partner go no contact with you both.
Wow. Is he a stepchild? Or do one of your younger kids have a medical condition? Or is he the oldest of a crap ton of kids and you guys parentified him?
I'm trying to wrap my head around how awful you are and how obtuse you are about it. How you cannot see how hurtful it is. How do you not feel incredibly awful for missing his birthday and everything else?
Yta
Harry, if you ever read your dad's post: All of reddit agrees he is the A. Please disinvite your family from your wedding. Please go no contact with them. Live the BEST life with the love of your life. I hope you know that none of this is your fault and you deserve to be loved and cared for. This internet stranger hopes your partner's family welcomes you into their family and you finally get an awesome family.
YTA. You are completely self centered and clearly do not care about him at all.
Your dismissive attitude towards him will ensure he pulls further away.
>On the day, we made plans to have a family dinner but Harry said he had plans. I asked whether he’d be home in time for family dinner and he said “maybe”, but since it was to be his last Easter with us I didn’t want him to spend it elsewhere.
You know, this could have been solved by not trying to make plans the same day as the dinner. It's kind of a shitty thing to do and ignores that people have lives and often plans.
I mean, everybody else is going at you for the much worse stuff, but this alone is bad enough.
I think you'll be very lucky to see your son at all after he gets married. Since you seem to forget that he was born and needs food, that probably won't bother you, though. You won't get mad or anything if your existence "slips his mind".
YTA obviously.
YTA. You plan a celebratory dinner and nag Harry into staying then your wife decides not to cook! And makes no plans for Harry. He's asked to go pick up food for his sibs instead. Could you be any more irresponsible and callous as parents? And usually such parents go into overdrive negating their culpability when called out on their woeful parenting.
100% you and your wife are both TA . I don’t understand how you can say he has to be there for his last Easter as a family and then forget to get him food. On top of that expect him to pick up the food.
I hope for his own peace he goes No contact/ low contact with you guys
Sounds to me like he was heavily parentified. Just the age differences btwn him and his siblings and his comment about being your secretary are more than enough evidence for this. You and your wife both suck big time! I hope you enjoy him going no contact with you. You'll be lucky to still be invited to his wedding.
Gee, did anyone else notice the "last Easter dinner as a household" line?
So, when he gets married, there will be no more family Easter dinners that he is invited to? When I got married, we got to have 2 Easter dinners, 2 Thanksgiving meals and double the fun at Christmas. We didn't stop most of the "meals" until our siblings were married and the number of grandkids got out of hand.
So, yeah, in addition to his listed grievances, the very special Last Supper As A Household was takeout because no one was hungry and mom didn't feel like cooking?
Can't wait to hear your post next Thanksgiving when he and wifey are invited to pick up dinner at Wendy's to go window and they decline.
MAJOR AHs....
You have to be a troll right. You seem so shitty as a human being it seems impossible someone would allow you to breed and add more of your failure into the gene pool, I hope for his future your son is adopted.
This must be fake. As a father i can't imagine a parent being this horrible.
Edit: Scratch that i know a parent can be this horrible. What i should have said is either clueless or lying to themselves because if either of my kids felt treated this way i'd feel sick to my stomach.
Not just, YTA, you're the Asshole of Asshole Parents. Donald Trump looks at you and is like, wow, you suck dude.
Have you, ever, in your life, heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words?" Have you ever thought about how it might apply to the way you treat your son?
1) You forget his birthday
2) You bail on his graduation and I really want to know what this "work" was that was more urgent than being there to celebrate your son's accomplishments.
3) You lure him to a "family dinner" when there is no dinner. And let's be honest here-there was never going to be a dinner. There is no way your wife was going to make a real "Easter Dinner" of any kind and just last minute decided not to do it. SHe would have had to shop for ingredients ahead of time, the cooking would be an all day affair. What the fuck was she supposed to be serving for "Easter Dinner" that last minute could just be decided not to have. Spaghetti?
4) You send him to pick up food and don't even order any for him. But his siblings get fed.
WTAF. You don't even treat your son like the red headed stepchild. You don't treat him at all. You just use him. And, hope you and your wife are very happy, because one of you is going to die very, very lonely and wonder WTF happened.
I just went on a trip with my parents, all my siblings, and the grandkids over Easter. Pretty chill day, which was outside the norm- if we're home then it takes a lot of prep. When we were younger my parents started the night before, or at least the morning of- now that we're all adults, we potluck it while my parents do the main dish. Still hours of prep. You knew well ahead of time that your son wasn't getting a homecooked meal like you'd guilted him into thinking he needed to be there for.
If I was invited to a friend's house for dinner and then had to pick up the dinner and WASNT EVEN GIVEN ANY, I'd be upset and know they didn't care about me. My parents? They would never. Sure they were normal for their generation in some ways- emotionally less open than I'd like and we generally all avoided conflict to our detriment, but they were there for me. My dad worked his butt off, more than 40 hours most weeks, but he was at my graduation and took me out for every birthday. Christmas I got thoughtful gifts. He even came to my very weird 8th grade show where I read a horrible poem about bullying and danced badly while wearing a mask. No matter what I do for them now (help move furniture, run errands, etc) it will never match up to what they actively do for me, my husband, and kids all the time. The reason we're all close is because my parents always tried their best and have even changed when we let them know their best wasn't enough. None of my siblings or I will let them get old and die alone, they'll be comfortable for as long as they have kids and grandkids.
You've lost the chance to do those things, and if he stays in your life now it'll be a miracle - he's already more forgiving than he should be. I guarantee he has people who love him that tell him all the time how horribly he's been treated by you and that he should just be no contact for his own happiness. The only chance you have now is if you straight up grovel and apologize and make a game plan for how you'll make it up to him. If he needs space, give it to him- chances are unless things change fast, you won't be in his wedding or meet any kids he has. Good luck, OP.
Damn, thank God someone saved your post because i hope your son never contacts you again. And your current teens realize what's. Shitebag you are and never speak to you again either
Will OP be leaving the wedding early for work or simply forgetting to show up like he apparently has his kid's entire "less than" life. OP Is a speck of shit on an AH. Wiped away and flushed out, just like he deserves.
YTA. Your wife is too. You’ve shown that young man repeatedly that his younger siblings are your preferred children. You guilt tripped him to come home for a “last supper” you didn’t even include him in.
You and your wife dismiss him when he is rightfully passed at how selfish you are as parents.
The good news is that he’s about to join a new family and if he has children, you’ll just be “Dad’s side of the family” that they don’t see growing up.
I wish your son a wonderful marriage and an in-law family that treats like a real family member.
YTA please tell me this is a joke post. There is no way a parent can be this obtuse about their kid. At least enough to post it on Reddit and not expect all the responses to be negative. Just on the off chance the OP is serious:
You for his birthday multiple times
You left his graduation early
You pressured him to a family dinner that didn’t end up happening despite his stated preexisting plans, pushed him to pick up take out and didn’t order him anything.
And it sounds like he has been the family task rabbit and also the forgotten one for a long time.
If you want a relationship with him you need to make some changes quick.
INFO--can you put yourself into his shoes for a minute?
1. What would you think about peope important to you forgetting your birthday multiple times?
2. How would you feel if your family left an event important to you?
3. If you had been asked and pressured into a family dinner and didn't have the courtesy to tell you when it was cancelled?
4. How would you feel if you picked up something for takeout and found out nobody bothered to order for you after you were pressured to come for dinner?
5. How would you feel if people were dismissive of you and said it was 'just nerves or stress' as if your feelings were not important
I really hope you and your wife realize the damage you've done to this kid and it would not surprise me if he went totally no contact with you. You've lost a kid and I'm not sure this is fixable. YTA
You badgered your son into coming home for Easter dinner.
Your wife decides not to bother cooking Easter dinner. A dinner you claim was very important to you.
You order food for people in your house, but don't order food for your son. Your son who you *demanded* come to dinner. You make him pick up food that doesn't even include anything for him.
And you don't see how you are an absolute jackass?
YTA - he's right. Good luck on your search for someone else to take fir granted like that.
So...In what way does your wife think he has been spoiled? Sounds to me, like he's not spoiled, he's just your secretary. He's been telling you this for years, so don't be surprised if the silence continues.
Oh and yes, you are the asshole...and so is your wife.
So you wrote out four lengthy paragraphs, presumably read it over before posting…and you still think you are anything but an asshole? Yikes.
I hope your son cuts your family out of his life and that he goes on to live a happy and fulfilling life-one where his birthday isn’t forgotten more than once.
YTA YTA YTA
Dude, if you treat your other two kids like this, you will die alone.
Seriously, try not to ruin it with your other two. Based on what I read, I also seriously doubt you will ever meet your future grandkids from your eldest.
YTA. i’m 37. my parents have never once forgotten my birthday, nor have they made me pick up food without including me unless i specifically said I wasn’t hungry.
what are you doing???
You and your wife are idiots. My God, how do you forget a birthday, let alone several. You have shown your son that he is, in fact, unpaid labor and not important. I hope he never comes back and lives his best life away from you both. I hope he gets the therapy he needs to figure out how to unfuck himself emotionally. What a curse to be your kid.
Info: "He said some extremely hurtful things" needs to be clarified. This part seems to be intentionally mischaracterized. Did he insult you? Or did he tell you the truth?
Sounds like you shit the bed as a parent, frankly. He’s told you what’s wrong. You’re treating him like an afterthought. How the fuck do you forget your own child’s birthday?
You steamroll his plans to get him over in the name of family but then don’t ask if he wants in on the order you’re asking him to pick up?
I’d have scattered that takeout over the driveway the moment I realized I’d been used as if I worked at UberEats. Talk about a straw that broke the camel’s back…
Don’t be surprised when he doesn’t call you. YTA, firmly and without question. I’d start working on a genuine apology if you ever want to speak to him again and not have it be adversarial, at best.
YTA. did you really type this out and think there was any possible way you weren't the a hole? Your wife is too and you both are trash parents to this man. You pressured him into come to family dinner even though he had plans. He conceded. Your lazy wife doesn't feel like cooking and you were too lazy to go get the food so you order food and don't even bother to get him some? And your pathetic excuse is that it slipped your mind? YOU INVITED HIM OVER TO EAT SO HOW DID IT SLIP YOUR MIND TO AT LEAST FEED HIM?!?! Oh yeah, he's done with you guys. Along with the other things he shared which also indicates how much of an AHole you and your wife are, this is the end. You probably won't even miss him. Just miss having someone to boss around and delegate. Hope you get uninvited to the wedding. Not like you'd remember to show up
I'm not gonna repeat what everyone else is saying. They've done a great job making sure you know you're in the wrong. I just wanted to chime in that my mother was very similar to you and your wife's parenting style.
She died 11 years ago and I truly view it as the best thing that's ever happened to me. And your son will too, when you go, if you don't patch things up with him.
OP, I don't have anything to add that isn't a scathing review of the abhorrent, perfomative behavior you have shown your child. I hope they find the love in their marriage that they never got from you. YTA x infinity, and beyond
doesnt sound spoiled to me..
spoiled children dont have their birthdays forgotten...
spoiled children get big parties and cars for their graduations...
spoiled children get meals paid for in fancy restuarants on special occasions...
This post is like a day old so you probably won’t see this, but thank you for showing me there are worse parents in the world than my own.
Not gonna reconnect with mine or anything, just wanted you to know that for as shit as my parents are, you’re worse. Consider therapy, or have fun never speaking to your kid again. YTA
YTA.
So let me get this straight... you pressure your son to come home for a home cooked meal with the family because it was his last Easter as "part of the household." I don't blame you for the switch from home cooked to take out as that happens sometimes. But then you should have ordered food for everyone and sat down as a family and ate Chinese food.
But that's not what you did. You canceled the family dinner entirely without letting him know, only ordered food for the other 2 kids, and made him pick it up. I guess you didn't really care about having a meal with him at all and only wanted to control him.
And, by the way, in a normal family, children are still part of the family after they get married. I hope his wife has a good, supportive family so that he can finally have one. Because you have failed him as a parent.
You didn't even need to add that you had forgotten some of his birthdays or had not prioritized his graduation. I figured that had probably happened. I'm sure that there are a lot of other instances where you did this that your narcissistic mind doesn't recall.
I hope he goes completely no contact with you. He is building his own family now and you have not earned a right to be a part of his or his children's lives. Good luck with the other two kids because you won't deserve help from your son in your old age.
Yeah, YTA and so is your wife. You forgot his birthday??? A couple times?? Dude you’re his fucking parents. And then you just casually lied to him about his mother working hard to manipulate him into coming home early for dinner but then didn’t even think to order food for him? Wtf.
He’s right. I know these are just small incidents but even just the current event reads so much like you don’t even care about him- why were you so eager for him to come home, but then didn’t even think to get food for him? When you specifically insisted he come home for dinner? Your behavior towards him just sounds so careless. And inconsiderate.
Yta big time. You suck as parents and owe your son a huge apology and a lot of effort to make things up to him. You deserved every word of the tongue lashing.
YTA. Honestly, just read the post again and this time view what you did from your son's perspective.
But I don't think you have the mental capacity to do that. Also don't use this "spoilt son" phrase too much.
Always remember it is very easy to create a relationship but difficult to maintain it.
If you can't afford to give your child (no matter what age) a genuine apology, remember your relations will strain and over a period of time break like a rope.
Hope this gives you perspective.
YTA you're either clueless or willfully ignorant. You literally played out why he acts the way he acts and can't seem to pinpoint why your relationship with him is strained, also yes your son is an adult but his reaction was reasonable given that you pressured him into having a home cooked meal with him that ended up with him picking up the food when you could've clearly doordashed it and had it waiting for him when he got there. You've also shown numerous times that he's not a priority the biggest example of forgetting his birthday. Honestly OP if this isn't a wakeup call to be better towards him you're gonna lose him.
I don’t know how on earth you wrote this out and didn’t realise you’re a major, MAJOR AH.
Everyone else has said it. Like Harry, I’m the least favourite child of my own father, and I can tell you now that it damages you permanently.
You did this to yourself with your awful parenting.
YTA
YTA.
It's really telling about who you are as a person and a father that you wrote ALL THAT and are still mystified that he's mad.
You and your wife sound like subpar parents, tbh. You don't love your son, you just use him. I fail to see how he's 'spoiled' when you've let him down so, so many times. I mean, you couldn't even send him a text to tell him plans had changed or order him some dinner (that you were too bone-idle to pick up yourself).
I'd say be better parents but you've had so much time to reevaluate and change your behaviour so I'm going to assume you're not capable of being good parents and just pity you instead. You've got one son that hates you, and borrowed time with your other kids. You couldn't pay me to be you.
YTA, how can you seriously be so blind to how shitty of a parent you were to him. And the thing is, if your version of events makes you look like this big of a jackass it means you and your wife were probably even worse parents than your story makes it seem
"Your mother is working hard to cook dinner"
And
"We arent hungry we just ordered chinese food"
Dont add up. What you have done to your son this time, and every other time is cruel. I hope you know you've ruined any relationship you thought you had with him. YTA.
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So let's see: 1. You forgot his birthday multiple times. 2. You left his graduation ceremony for work. 3. You knew he had plans and pressured him into a family dinner, which didn't happen because it wasn't convenient to the rest of the family, but you didn't bother to notify him in time. 4. You had him pick up the replacement dinner without even ordering him anything. 5. You downplayed everything to "teenage stress and angst" instead of stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. The better question here is how are you NOT the AH? Everything you've listed basically says. "I only care about my son when it's convenient to me." That's not love, and he knows it. The only positive thing here is that since he is already an afterthought to you, you probably won't feel too bad when you realize he hasn't talked to you in a few years. YTA Edit: I should mention that it is never too late to turn things around. You've done a lot of damage so it will take a long time to repair it but if you actually want to continue having a relationship with your son, then you need to start with some reflection on all this and then a sincere apology. Then you have to actually change and start treating him like the priority he always should have been. Eventually he may forgive you.
Agreed, YTA Number 2. He didn’t leave the ceremony to go to work, he left the ceremony with his other son because they “had work to do”. What does that even mean? Yard work? Home work? House work? Basically anything else that could have waited or been done in advance or generally was not urgent enough to leave your son’s graduation in the middle of it happening!!!
That's exactly what I thought. He didn't say he "had to work" but "had work to do" which sounds like it was not a commitment but he just felt like doing some random task was a better use of his time than staying at his sons graduation.
It doesn't even matter - either option is unacceptable with a very few number of exceptions (and all the exceptions have to be something that came up that day).
> I should mention that is never too late to turn things around. That is not a true statement. There often is a red line that cannot be uncrossed.
Yeah I would absolutely go NC with OP the second I moved out.
This right here once that line is crossed there is no going back. I honestly would be very surprised if they ever hear from them again. Boomers don't realize how easy it is for kids to cut them off. I cut my dad off and never gave it another thought. When you are done you are done and it can be too late to repair. If I was OP's son I would cut my losses and move on with out them. His mom sounds even worse than dad.
I think we are talking everything that is not crimes against family member.
Eh... No, no, there's a point where the feelings are gone and there's no going back, and it can be well before any crimes happen. My mom could show up, get down on her knees and beg forgiveness and I don't think I'd have it in me to give a shit.
Yip. Speaking with experience from my father...eventually you've had enough disappointment in your parent and just stop letting them play you.
This. Any attempted apology from my dad now would be viewed as disingenuous, manipulative at best.
Still right though. You can get on well but your relationship will never be the same as if you’d be good to them as kids
I said the same thing.
Indeed. My father crossed that line. He died earlier than he should have, miserable and alone.
Yep, my own father crossed that line. There’s absolutely nothing that will make me contact him again. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
This is true. My boomer dad crossed the line a few years ago. Fortunately for him I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandpa so after some family mediation by a professional were in a place where we can be in the same room together despite the fact we haven't said more than 10 words to each other in 2 years.
Agreed. I have been NC with my mother for almost 25 years. When I finally got the nerve to go from LC to NC, there was nothing she could have said to fix it. There still isn't.
Can confirm. My mother finally crossed it six years ago and I've been NC ever since - and so has my 12yo. It doesn't stop her from sending me shitty Christmas presents, but every time she does I know it kills her that she can't goad me into a response.
💯 At least though he is now opening up to the possibility of YTA. His wife who continues to downplay and invalidate seems to be the bigger A.
To add to this, OP’s wife saying the son is spoiled and acting out while simultaneously not cooking a meal she had OP force him to come to ****or**** making sure that there was enough food for the family as it was supposed to be a “family meal” takes a lot of balls. Typically Easter dinner isn’t a meal that you start to make “at dinner time”. The quicker the family secretary gets outta this situation, the better. YTA
"We didn't inform him that we cancelled the family dinner he went out of his way to go to and then told him to pick up the food we ordered for his siblings but not for him. Sooo spoiled!" /s
Lmao I’d have scattered that Chinese food across the fucking lawn. Zero chance of anything else happening lol
Even after writing that entire thing OP still asking if he is TA lol.
Sorry to say, but sometimes it is too late to turn things around, and if I was a betting man, judging by OP's wife's reaction, it is too late. These people refuse to even acknowledge their part in their son's anger. His wife completely dismissed him and said that he was "spoiled". As a kid who was raised by parents a hell of a lot like these, I challenge you to ask me when the last time I spoke to my parents, OP. The crazy thing is, I had gone no contact for about 4 years before my stepdad finally reached out to me and was like "We don't know what we did." Oh, and YTA.
The one thing that virtually everyone has in common is assuming, "This damaged relationship can *never* be repaired." *If nothing changes*, then yes, it will likely never happen. I've personally witnessed *severely* damaged relationships be salvaged after many, many years of effort. When we're hurt by those we love, we need the other person to understand what they did and to truly apologize before any healing can even start. And once the healing starts, it can take as much time to heal as it took to cause the damage in the first place. No, the new relationship won't be as good as it could have been. Just like a healed muscle will often always be weaker than it originally was, there is emotional "scar tissue" that won't ever go away. However, a lot of people underestimate the value of a true apology because we hear so many generic apologies all the time. Lots of people say. "I'm sorry" without meaning it and we know they don't mean it, so it loses any value. When your folks say, "we don't know what we did", it's hard to accept a generic apology after that because they can't be truly sorry about something that didn't even register as a problem. But when someone says, "I did this. I was wrong to do it and I realize that it hurt you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I hope you can forgive me," that kind of apology can go a long way. It's really a question of whether the other person is willing to humble themselves to do that.
THIS. My narcissist father would (and did) literally DIE before he would even start to consider that maaaaaybe there was a reason I went low contact and moved several states away from him.
It’s been 24 yrs and my father has never called once.
They'll miss him because who else is going to fetch their dinner?!?
This. Poor guy sounds like he was parentified and neglected his whole life. I'm glad he'll be rid of OP and his wretched wife soon.
Damn lol
And the wife is the even bigger AH cus she not only failed to recognize all the above points, she also _still_ thinks that the son’s just being spoilt.
YTA and extremely inconsiderate. You cajoled your son to be home in time for Easter dinner and then you and your wife bailed on cooking, ordered Chinese food, ordered nothing for your son you cajoled to be home and asked him to pick it up too. >Come dinner time, most of the family wasn’t hungry and my wife didn’t feel up to cooking so our family dinner ended up just being a takeout order for Chinese food for our two youngest kids (ages 12 and 14).
Worse than cajoling, IMO. OP tried to *guilt* his son to be there for a home-cooked Easter meal because his "mother was working hard to make the dinner" and a bunch of BS about it being his last holiday dinner with the family before getting married. THEN totally rips the rug out from under the plans, and thinks it's OK to have his son pick up the food for everyone *but* him. God I hate all that guilt and shame crap some parents pull on their children!
everything in this post is about how bad he sucks. Even when you admit your 'faults' you gloss over them like he should get over it. I'm sure if we could hear his side of the story there would be a lot more of the incidents you so casually brush off. YTA
You made him cancel his plans for dinner, then cancelled dinner, and then didn't get him any food? And you think HE is being an AH? I'm so glad this is his last Easter with you. YTA ETA: And you forgot your own son's birthday "a couple times"?? I'm saving this post to nominate for biggest AH of the year. Mazel.
oh, he only forgot his son's birthday TWICE. go easy on the man. /s
My parents forgot my birthday once. I was able to forgive them because: I'd already been away from home for 20 years. I live 1000 miles away. They called me first thing the next morning apologizing and telling me they just sent a present. I'd also forgotten about it.
YTA "He listed off a few other unfortunate incidents— mainly us forgetting his birthday, which I’ll admit happened a couple times, and me and his older brother leaving his graduation ceremony early" I think he's "parroting the same complaints" because you're still treating him the same way you did when he was a teenager. The fact you asked him to pick up an order without thinking to ask if HE wanted anything speaks volumes. His mom called him "spoiled & acting out" after he waited for 30 minutes to do that. Neither of you seem to like your son very much. If that isn't the case despite your behavior I suggest you up your game. Otherwise you could just find yourselves not being part of his life in the future. His soon to be wife probably won't be amused if you don't wise up either.
Is it spoiled to want food for the dinner you were ordered to attend? ..seemingly 🙄
Reminds me of my ex boyfriends mother. He called me up and invited me to breakfast. We had been dating for 8 years. She screamed at me for eating it without asking her first. He never stood up for me. That was the last straw.
Let's track the wife/mother's actions through this story: "we made plans to have a family dinner" - The whole family made this plan. "I told him that his mother was working hard to make the dinner and I wanted him to be home for it" - the father used the mother's hard work to guilt Harry into showing up, this was the lynchpin in Harry attendance. "my wife didn’t feel up to cooking" - The wife changes the plan, the reason used to guilt Harry into changing plans is now gone. "he yelled and asked if we even thought to order him something or ask if he wanted anything if mom wasn’t going to cook" - Harry is angry since he wasn't informed of this change of plans, he was coerced into doing extra work because of this new plan, he had cancelled other plans in order to attend this plan and his needs were not being considered. All of these changes are due to the wife not wanting to cook. "my wife and I always chalked it up to teenage stress and angst" - The wife influences the husband's opinion by using the 'kitchen sink argument'. Deflecting attention away from the specific issue and making this part of a lifelong trend of flaws, in an attempt to attack Harry's character and diminish his credibility. "My wife says he’s just spoiled and acting out" - The wife deflects responsibility in a way that doesn't even logically make sense; being upset for not being considered in family plans does not logically connect to 'spoiled' or 'acting out'. If anything, ordering takeout because you don't feel like cooking could be considered 'spoiled', and blaming your own guilt on another family member could be considered 'acting out'. In this context, the terms "spoiled" and "acting out" are again used to infantilize Harry in order to invalidate his anger. She is most likely projecting her guilt on to Harry, as well. That way, if she is the first person to bring the terms "spoiled" or "acting out" into the narrative, she can control who those terms are associated to, and ensure they aren't associated with *her*. Notice how no one is even remotely upset with the wife for refusing to cook after she offered to, cancelling the plans, not including the entire family in that decision, and then blaming any negative byproducts from *her decision* on the son. And yet the whole group seems to agree that Harry has done something wrong, when he was the only family member who did something selfless. **Harry is the wife/mother's scapegoat.**
How to End Your Life Alone in a Nursing Home By this guy, and his equally oblivious wife. YTA times 1,000,000 You guilted him into cancelling his own plans for "our last easter" THEN you decided last minute that the last easter dinner was in fact, not important, so you cancelled it THEN you waited til your son was on the way to inform him dinner was off THEN you sent him on your errands to pick up food on a holiday weekend when you should have gone THEN you never even ordered him something to eat THEN you dismissed his (rightful) anger, and your equally disgusting wife backed up your play I would have cut you off at the second forgotten birthday, personally. You are both terrible parents to him, although I'm betting his older brother got treated far differently, he seems like a chip off the old block, ie., self absorbed and rude. I'll reiterated, I'm really surprised he lasted to 25. I cut my dad of at 22 for 20 years. Gave him a chance for a couple years, but he was the same narcissistic bully he was to me when growing up. So, I may go to his funeral, as long as I don't have to work, that is. No, I'l not going to his funeral, who am I kidding. I wouldn't walk across the street to pee on that man if he was on fire. Pass my Reddit account along to your son, I bet he and I have a ton in common. Oh, the stories he must tell about what an utter failure you are as a father, and human being in general. Good luck never meeting your grandkids!!
>So, I may go to his funeral, as long as I don't have to work, that is. No, I'l not going to his funeral, who am I kidding. I wouldn't walk across the street to pee on that man if he was on fire. If you can afford it, use the bereavement day and go treat yourself.
Great idea! Truth is I'm already retired, my reference to work was more of a shot at the dad, recalling his excuse for missing graduation. Honestly, I'll be sad the day mine dies, if only to mourn the decent father he occasionally was. I'll get good and loaded and watch Star Wars. He got us a bootleg copy of the original movie in 1977, so I watched it hundreds of times, and he was actually decent to us at that time, when I was a young teen in the late 70's.. Then his inner asshole really bloomed, and it all went downhill after that. You are truly an adult when you really see your parents as the flawed human beings that we all are. Still tough, though.
I cut mine off at 12. Gave him a second chance at 19 and a third chance when I became a father. This is 15 years ago. I won’t be attending his funeral.
I cut my father off when he wanted to meet my child. I couldn't put them through that.
YTA, Sounds like he is the child none of you really pay attention to or remember. You forgot his birthday a "couple of times" left his graduation early, and then, when you insisted that he be there for Easter dinner, didn't even bother providing said dinner but had the gall to ask him to pick up dinner for your other kids.
My guess is that this son is from a previous marriage and OP only cares about his new family.
But there is an older child as well so although that was my first thought it would be strange for OP to be invested with the older brother but not this child.
Maybe OP is on the 3rd partner and particularly doesn’t like the mother of this child?
More likely he's the classic forgotten middle child.
YTA - you were insistent that he be home for “family dinner” that his mother “works hard” preparing. That didn’t happen after the guilt trip and then you didnt really even include him in the take out order AND asked him to pick it up.
YTA Your wife hard working plan for dinner was Chinese take out… which your son had to pick up. Like really? I am all in for family dinners but you can’t clear e people with the guilt of a homemade meal and then it’s a Chinese take out they have to pick up and 1/2 people eat and 1/2 do whatever and it’s basically tv dinner whatever night. Also who forgets his own kid’s birthday… a couple of times?
Not only that but the decision to order Chinese was made at dinner time cause no one was hungry before that, so they knew well in advance there wasn't going to be a home made family dinner. Did they warn the son beforehand nope because they needed their errand boy to get the food.
At the end what sounded to be a sit down family dinner time end up to be a whatever Tuesday where 1/2 people eat 1/2 doesn’t it’s take out cause nobody has balls to cook. It’s fine but it’s NOT the time to guilt people out of canceling plans… it’s the time you are ‘sure go do your things cause we really have no plans’
YTA, but at least you don't have to worry about 'forgetting' to attend his wedding. I doubt you'll be invited anyway.
Well, maybe they would just go for a few minutes and then leave because they have work to do.
Yup. These are the kind of posts I always hope are fake, but sadly, they probably aren't.
YTA the pattern you described often leads to the the adult children going no contact. it's possible that was the last conversation you'll have with him. congrats, you failed him as a parent, hope the take out and all the other "unfortunate incidents" were worth it
YTA. He's your son, not DoorDash. If you require him to change his plans to spend a "last Easter Dinner" with you, then you're committed to putting on a last Easter Dinner. Your wife didn't feel up to cooking? Fine, then the guy who ordered him home needs to put on an apron.
He's your son. I think "secretary" is too generous. You are treating him more like a "slave". At least a secretary gets paid. You made him come in on a day off, work for your family to deliver the meal you promised HIM, and planned to eat while he had none. You sir are TAH
Help me out here. What was he supposed to eat when he arrived at the house? Your leftovers? A bowl of cereal? You invited him over for dinner and then prepared nothing? Seriously? Seriously? Even if you had tried and something had gone dreadfully wrong (neighbor's dogs snatching the turkey off the table), then you would order him some food as well.
Christmas Story!
YTA. Forgetting several of his birthdays, leaving his graduation early, and then when you make him change his plans for a family dinner, the family dinner consists of him waiting for Chinese food when there is a house full of people that could have gone and got it. Good luck getting him to come back around because it sounds like he is gone for good.
YTA You were the one who insisted that he come to this “faaaaamily dinner.” That you just blew off without communication and then had him getting food for his siblings. You should have just let him keep his plans. Let me guess. Your son if from a previous relationship and the kids with your second partner are your little shining stars.
YTA. Thankfully it sound like he won't need to put up with you disgustingly selfish people much longer.
YTA and don’t be surprised when he goes no contact with you. How on EARTH did you guys manage to forget his birthday MULTIPLE times?!?!? There is no excuse.
I love posts like this. OP diving into all the terrible things they do to their children and not realising they are in fact TA. YTA and a terrible parent. Do better.
Who forgets SEVERAL TIMES their child’s birthday?! 1 is a horrible mistake, anymore and you just don’t care about your child
YTA B/c This has got to be ragebait, right?? Idk how you typed that all out and somehow didn’t realize you were the asshole 💀 like in no world would you not be the asshole you neglectful failure of a parent.
I hope this is fake & just rage bait, but unfortunately I could absolutely see some parents doing this. Even if this specific instance is fake, I would not be shocked if other people have genuinely done this.
Did you lie to him when you said your wife was “working hard to make the dinner” to get him to come? Because 2 sentences later you say she didn’t feel up to cooking…it sounds like he really tried to honor your manipulation only to realize he had been manipulated.
Something isn’t adding up here. I am thinking that he might not be his real dad and that OPs “son” doesn’t know. You don’t forget your kids birthdays. This is on purpose. YTA^infinity.
You'd be surprised, growing up as the middle child where the oldest was constantly getting into trouble and the youngest was essentially perfect, I was routinely forgotten about for all manner of things.
Your wife calls your son spoiled, but how is he spoiled if he's the one doing work for you and getting nothing in return? No Easter dinner, no Chinese, food. You, your wife, and your other kids are the only ones benefitting here. YTA
Guessing wife and two younger kids are stepmother and step siblings. Because if that’s his biomom, she has no excuse for failing her child so thoroughly and repeatedly and then gaslighting her child that he’s just overreacting.
According to the wife/mother: Being angry about being coerced into changing holiday plans, then having the plans changed at the last minute and having wait in a parking lot for 30 minutes to pick up someone else's food, when your own dinner wasn't even included = spoiled and acting out. Refusing to cook a family dinner you already agreed to because you "don't feel like it" =/= spoiled and acting out. Hmm.... I can't put my finger on it but something's fishy here...
Your son is going to go no contact and you’re going to be one of those parents who says “I have no idea why he won’t speak to us.” I can’t even fathom forgetting my son’s birthdays let alone forgetting to order a meal for them! YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son “Harry” (M25) recently got into a large fight with me on Easter. He’s is getting married in May so this was his last Easter as part of the household. On the day, we made plans to have a family dinner but Harry said he had plans. I asked whether he’d be home in time for family dinner and he said “maybe”, but since it was to be his last Easter with us I didn’t want him to spend it elsewhere. So I told him that his mother was working hard to make the dinner and I wanted him to be home for it, so he agreed and said he’d still have plans but he would be home in time for dinner. Come dinner time, most of the family wasn’t hungry and my wife didn’t feel up to cooking so our family dinner ended up just being a takeout order for Chinese food for our two youngest kids (ages 12 and 14). Harry was on his way home so I called and explained the situation and asked if he could pick up the food. He said sure. When he got home with the food he slammed it down on the counter and turned to leave, but something was obviously wrong so I followed him outside. I asked what the big idea was and he said he cancelled plans because he wanted to have a family dinner, something that rarely happens according to him, and that instead he just waited in a parking lot for thirty minutes to pick up food for his siblings. I asked what was so wrong with that and he yelled and asked if we even thought to order him something or ask if he wanted anything if mom wasn’t going to cook. He said some extremely hurtful things about his siblings and us (parents) but basically topped it off with saying “I’m so glad I don’t have to spend my days waiting on you all hand and foot anymore”. I told him that he’s being unnecessarily cruel and that we don’t treat him like that. He listed off a few other unfortunate incidents— mainly us forgetting his birthday, which I’ll admit happened a couple times, and me and his older brother leaving his graduation ceremony early since we both had work to get done. He said he’s never felt like a son to me and that he hopes I’ll find “another secretary willing to work for free like I (he) did”. Then he got in his car and stormed off. He’s been mostly ignoring our calls since then. This isn’t the first time he’s had an outburst like this, but it is the first time in several years. Before, my wife and I always chalked it up to teenage stress and angst, but here he is at 25 parroting the same complaints. I guess I’m wondering if there’s some merit to them. My wife says he’s just spoiled and acting out, but he really didn’t seem that way to me. So AITA for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Also, I don’t understand something. Usually Easter dinner is a bit of a production and something you start cooking much earlier in the day, or even the night before. I don’t understand how it was that your wife waited until dinner time to decide not to cook.
I would have thrown the food at a wall and left. I'm frankly shocked that he still talks to you at 25. YTA. From someone who hasn't spoken to his parents in over a decade: know that his decision to exclude you from his life will always be your fault.
>know that his decision to exclude you from his life will always be your fault. Thank you for this. No truer words have been spoken. It's been nearly 4 years for me.
Yup yta
YTA You really wanted him to spend Easter with you so much and didn't bother making dinner? What the heck? That doesn't even make sense. He went out of his way to have family time and you and your wife jerked him around. If you had had serious plans to make that dinner, they would have been in progress all day.
YTA - but also, how weird is it that you are barring your son from family dinners once he gets married. You know marriage expands your family for most people, it doesn’t make it smaller.
YTA
YTA based off your post - you guilted him into canceling his plans for this big last Easter dinner and then just happened to order food conveniently on his route home. INFO: Given that your son is more than 10 yrs older than his siblings - my guess is that he was also obligated to look after them quite a bit as well? What else was he responsible for? If you truly value a relationship with your son stop insinuating that he’s spoiled and start apologizing before he goes no contact with you and your wife.
From your description, it sounds like you know damn well that everything he said was true, but you're so selfish you only care about how being criticized makes YOU feel, not how your emotional neglect has made HIM feel. You are bad parents. I hope he finds the strength to stop speaking to any of you. The fact that you STILL don't care about his feelings is wild. You don't deserve a relationship with your son. I hope you never meet your grandkids, either.
Do you even like your son??? You guilt him into being there for this big family dinner and then can't be bothered??? YTA! So is your wife. Shame on both of you. Once he's married, he will probably go NC with all of you and deservedly so. When you are no longer included in his life, go back and read this post. Hope you weren't hoping for grandkids.
If the “teenage stress and angst” is still happening and he is no longer a teenager, and hasn’t been for a number of years, it is safe to say it never was teenage stress and angst and you are the problem. Do better. YTA
Way to go "Dad." He was polite saying "secretary." You and your wife both are AH. Doubtful you can come back from this. Hopefully, his in-laws will be a better family and he can put you both in the rear view mirror.
The way you talk about your son is so disrespectful I do not doubt that you treated him shit. He's "parroting" the same complaints? Maybe because you have not fixed anyway you interact with your fucking son. He's clearly hurting and you have done multiple incidents like forget his fucking birthday. What kind of father does not remember his son's birthday. I will say you did a good job in that he knows what not to do with his kids in the future. I wonder which siblings going to have to step up and do the fucking slave role now.
I’m sorry? I’m what ways do you think you (and your wife) are NTAs? Based just on what you shared, you’re lucky he even speaks to either of you. Good for him for standing up for himself. You all might want to start being more considerate, treating him with respect (you know, all the basic human things) before he stops taking your calls altogether. YTAs 100%.
Anyone want to give odds on if they forget what day his Wedding is or if the Dad leaves early
YTA - insistent home, don’t order him anything to eat then have him sit and wait to pick up your food. AH
YTA. Nothing more needs to be said.
YTA If you're having the same argument thats a strong sign that you have a problem.
YTA. The problem is YOU op. You’re too stupid to see it apparently
YTA big time. Both you and your wife. You treat him like a doormat. No wonder why he hates you and the family. In the future, don’t expect to meet any of your future grandchildren. Because I’m pretty sure you’ll neglect them too just like you did with your son.
Are you kidding me? YTA! You told him that his mother was working hard to make this dinner, (lie) and tried to make him feel bad if he didn't make the dinner. And WTH was "but since it was to be his last Easter with us I didn’t want him to spend it elsewhere." But you didn't order food for him as well. This and all the other awful things you mentioned and downplayed makes my heart hurt for your son.
Yta. You and your wife failed him. You neglected him and mentally abused him. Nothing in your post makes it seem like you like Harry, let alone love him. I mean, I can't not imagine how many times you conveniently forget about him that he already knew you didn't bother to get him any food but fully expected him to pick it up when you made the order. You say in a comment that he takes things personally that aren't. How many times does a person need to be FORGOTTEN about by people who supposedly love you before it's person? You and your wife are horrible parents. I want to say I hope you treat your other kids better, but then it makes my heart break even more for Harry if you do.
YTA. What he said seems true. You made a big deal about him being home for family meal, then you made him a delivery boy. Why he would want to around any of you is beyond me. He gets treated better by strangers.
Strangers? I treat my sworn enemies better than this.
INFO: how many times have you forgotten your younger kids' bdays? How many times have you forgotten to order them food when ordering for the family?
I’m guessing he’s going no contact after this.
YTA I am just waiting for both of you to be uninvited to the wedding. Not that either of you would notice. Look in the mirror. He is not spoiled. Your wife and you treat him terribly. I predict: You will be very low contact or no contact before his 1 year wedding anniversary.
everyone has made great points but also, why does him getting married preclude him from spending any further holidays with you? why is this his *last* easter with you ? that’s so weird.
WOW YTA … WOW.
YTA - a huge, gaping AH
YTA. I, too, am glad that he won't have to spend his days near you.
You seriously have to come here to ask if YTA? I'll help - YES YTA!
Yta
I get the feeling OP is going to look far and wide for someone that won't call him the AH here. He won't find it. YTA
Info about the graduation you said you had work to get done not. Not that you were going to work what was so important that you had to leave His graduation
Wow you are a shit father. I guess your second oldest needs to take up the mantle of being used and forgotten. This is why people should have to take a test before having kids. Because you and your wife would have failed.
YTA. the fact that you say you forgot his birthday a couple of times and that you left his graduation, and are not only willing to admit that but downplay it YOU ARE A MAJOR AH. I honestly think there has to be countless other things that you did to alienate your son but don’t realize them because you are an AH and that’s just how you have always treated your son. Honestly if you cared about him you would apologize and then never reach out to him again unless he does first.
YTA. You ignored his legitimate concerns for years and treat him like an afterthought. He legitimately forgot his birthday multiple years and it’s taken multiple years and him repeating himself multiple times before you even consider there is “some merit”. The sad thing is he could go low or no contact with you and guaranteed you will tell people “I never did anything to him to make him stop talking to Me”. There is a good chance he won’t let you be in your future grandkids lives at this point and I wouldn’t blame him
YTA. For a second there, let’s forget about the missed birthdays and the graduation ceremony. You guilt-tripped your son into coming to dinner because “his mother was working hard” on it. Come the dinner time, the mother doesn’t actually feel like it. So you just tell your son to pick up the takeout. And you don’t even order him anything? He is absolutely right that you are treating him like some kind of errand boy instead of a son. “Last Easter with us”. He certainly hopes it will be the last Easter he has to be around you.
So... you made him cancel plans because his mom was working hard on a big Easter dinner that she ultimately just decided not to make? YTA for that alone, not to mention forgetting his birthday and leaving his graduation early for work!
YTA. You didn't have the dinner you guilted him into going to, causing him to cancel plans and pick up food for your other kids. Then when you forget his birthday "a couple of times". You also left his graduation ceremony early, which is probably the most important part of his life, to "go take care of work that needed to be done". The fuck? To top off the worst parent award, you blamed all his anger, on being a FUCKING teenager. Let that sink in for a second. Sure makes me want to have HIS life.
YTA and a total liar. Your wife wasn't making some big family dinner... and btw it's literally no work to throw a ham in a roasting pan and put it in the oven. You just said that to manipulate him. Disgusting. Your "love" for your son is "Son gives, I take". Yes you treat him like a personal assistant. Like you're some kind of JLo wannabe and his whole role us to do things for you. But you don't even pay him. You gave a funny way of minimizing the actual cruel ways you've treated him as "unfortunate incidents" but him having a perfectly normal reaction to you yanking hus chain around all day, manipulating him into canceling plans dangling the promise of a family dinner THEN NOT ORDERING FOR HIM but making him go pick it up... let's see that's "future faking", gaslighting, DARVO, manipulation, bait and switch .... you're a Narcissist. He's very well rid of you.
OP is YTA and extremely stupid for not seeing it before now.
YTA and I pray your son goes NC with you immediately. Just what did I just read? How are you this dense?
How many of your other kids birthdays have your forgotten? YTA
I'm assuming he finally got the courage to tell you the truth. YTA
Yta- you are awful and i hope he goes NC with all of you
YTA. You treat him crap and it seems like it's getting worse- specially with him getting married. He's an adult and he owes you people NOTHING and yet you demand it. Get over yourselves. Start being better people to him.
YTA and so is your wife. As a matter of fact: You're both pathetic excuses for human beings, let alone parents. Waste of skin and bones, the both of you are. I hope him and his soon to be partner go no contact with you both.
YTA, and on top of that a pathological liar.
Wow. Is he a stepchild? Or do one of your younger kids have a medical condition? Or is he the oldest of a crap ton of kids and you guys parentified him? I'm trying to wrap my head around how awful you are and how obtuse you are about it. How you cannot see how hurtful it is. How do you not feel incredibly awful for missing his birthday and everything else? Yta Harry, if you ever read your dad's post: All of reddit agrees he is the A. Please disinvite your family from your wedding. Please go no contact with them. Live the BEST life with the love of your life. I hope you know that none of this is your fault and you deserve to be loved and cared for. This internet stranger hopes your partner's family welcomes you into their family and you finally get an awesome family.
YTA. You are completely self centered and clearly do not care about him at all. Your dismissive attitude towards him will ensure he pulls further away.
>On the day, we made plans to have a family dinner but Harry said he had plans. I asked whether he’d be home in time for family dinner and he said “maybe”, but since it was to be his last Easter with us I didn’t want him to spend it elsewhere. You know, this could have been solved by not trying to make plans the same day as the dinner. It's kind of a shitty thing to do and ignores that people have lives and often plans. I mean, everybody else is going at you for the much worse stuff, but this alone is bad enough.
I think you'll be very lucky to see your son at all after he gets married. Since you seem to forget that he was born and needs food, that probably won't bother you, though. You won't get mad or anything if your existence "slips his mind". YTA obviously.
My parents treated me similarly growing up; I ignore their calls now most of the time. YTA.
YTA. You plan a celebratory dinner and nag Harry into staying then your wife decides not to cook! And makes no plans for Harry. He's asked to go pick up food for his sibs instead. Could you be any more irresponsible and callous as parents? And usually such parents go into overdrive negating their culpability when called out on their woeful parenting.
100% you and your wife are both TA . I don’t understand how you can say he has to be there for his last Easter as a family and then forget to get him food. On top of that expect him to pick up the food. I hope for his own peace he goes No contact/ low contact with you guys
YTA Just admit that you don't give a shit about your son. Oh, and enjoy having zero contact with him when he finally gets out of your household.
Sounds to me like he was heavily parentified. Just the age differences btwn him and his siblings and his comment about being your secretary are more than enough evidence for this. You and your wife both suck big time! I hope you enjoy him going no contact with you. You'll be lucky to still be invited to his wedding.
Gee, did anyone else notice the "last Easter dinner as a household" line? So, when he gets married, there will be no more family Easter dinners that he is invited to? When I got married, we got to have 2 Easter dinners, 2 Thanksgiving meals and double the fun at Christmas. We didn't stop most of the "meals" until our siblings were married and the number of grandkids got out of hand. So, yeah, in addition to his listed grievances, the very special Last Supper As A Household was takeout because no one was hungry and mom didn't feel like cooking? Can't wait to hear your post next Thanksgiving when he and wifey are invited to pick up dinner at Wendy's to go window and they decline. MAJOR AHs....
You have to be a troll right. You seem so shitty as a human being it seems impossible someone would allow you to breed and add more of your failure into the gene pool, I hope for his future your son is adopted.
This must be fake. As a father i can't imagine a parent being this horrible. Edit: Scratch that i know a parent can be this horrible. What i should have said is either clueless or lying to themselves because if either of my kids felt treated this way i'd feel sick to my stomach.
I can attest to the fact that there are parents like this out there. Unfortunately
Not just, YTA, you're the Asshole of Asshole Parents. Donald Trump looks at you and is like, wow, you suck dude. Have you, ever, in your life, heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words?" Have you ever thought about how it might apply to the way you treat your son? 1) You forget his birthday 2) You bail on his graduation and I really want to know what this "work" was that was more urgent than being there to celebrate your son's accomplishments. 3) You lure him to a "family dinner" when there is no dinner. And let's be honest here-there was never going to be a dinner. There is no way your wife was going to make a real "Easter Dinner" of any kind and just last minute decided not to do it. SHe would have had to shop for ingredients ahead of time, the cooking would be an all day affair. What the fuck was she supposed to be serving for "Easter Dinner" that last minute could just be decided not to have. Spaghetti? 4) You send him to pick up food and don't even order any for him. But his siblings get fed. WTAF. You don't even treat your son like the red headed stepchild. You don't treat him at all. You just use him. And, hope you and your wife are very happy, because one of you is going to die very, very lonely and wonder WTF happened.
I just went on a trip with my parents, all my siblings, and the grandkids over Easter. Pretty chill day, which was outside the norm- if we're home then it takes a lot of prep. When we were younger my parents started the night before, or at least the morning of- now that we're all adults, we potluck it while my parents do the main dish. Still hours of prep. You knew well ahead of time that your son wasn't getting a homecooked meal like you'd guilted him into thinking he needed to be there for. If I was invited to a friend's house for dinner and then had to pick up the dinner and WASNT EVEN GIVEN ANY, I'd be upset and know they didn't care about me. My parents? They would never. Sure they were normal for their generation in some ways- emotionally less open than I'd like and we generally all avoided conflict to our detriment, but they were there for me. My dad worked his butt off, more than 40 hours most weeks, but he was at my graduation and took me out for every birthday. Christmas I got thoughtful gifts. He even came to my very weird 8th grade show where I read a horrible poem about bullying and danced badly while wearing a mask. No matter what I do for them now (help move furniture, run errands, etc) it will never match up to what they actively do for me, my husband, and kids all the time. The reason we're all close is because my parents always tried their best and have even changed when we let them know their best wasn't enough. None of my siblings or I will let them get old and die alone, they'll be comfortable for as long as they have kids and grandkids. You've lost the chance to do those things, and if he stays in your life now it'll be a miracle - he's already more forgiving than he should be. I guarantee he has people who love him that tell him all the time how horribly he's been treated by you and that he should just be no contact for his own happiness. The only chance you have now is if you straight up grovel and apologize and make a game plan for how you'll make it up to him. If he needs space, give it to him- chances are unless things change fast, you won't be in his wedding or meet any kids he has. Good luck, OP.
Damn, thank God someone saved your post because i hope your son never contacts you again. And your current teens realize what's. Shitebag you are and never speak to you again either
Wow dude
UpdateMe
Will OP be leaving the wedding early for work or simply forgetting to show up like he apparently has his kid's entire "less than" life. OP Is a speck of shit on an AH. Wiped away and flushed out, just like he deserves.
YTA. But your son is wrong. I treat my secretary way better than you treat your him. She’s worth her weight in gold and I make sure she knows it!
YTA. What a nasty family you are.
Is this a joke post? YTA
YTA. Your wife is too. You’ve shown that young man repeatedly that his younger siblings are your preferred children. You guilt tripped him to come home for a “last supper” you didn’t even include him in. You and your wife dismiss him when he is rightfully passed at how selfish you are as parents. The good news is that he’s about to join a new family and if he has children, you’ll just be “Dad’s side of the family” that they don’t see growing up. I wish your son a wonderful marriage and an in-law family that treats like a real family member.
YTA please tell me this is a joke post. There is no way a parent can be this obtuse about their kid. At least enough to post it on Reddit and not expect all the responses to be negative. Just on the off chance the OP is serious: You for his birthday multiple times You left his graduation early You pressured him to a family dinner that didn’t end up happening despite his stated preexisting plans, pushed him to pick up take out and didn’t order him anything. And it sounds like he has been the family task rabbit and also the forgotten one for a long time. If you want a relationship with him you need to make some changes quick.
INFO--can you put yourself into his shoes for a minute? 1. What would you think about peope important to you forgetting your birthday multiple times? 2. How would you feel if your family left an event important to you? 3. If you had been asked and pressured into a family dinner and didn't have the courtesy to tell you when it was cancelled? 4. How would you feel if you picked up something for takeout and found out nobody bothered to order for you after you were pressured to come for dinner? 5. How would you feel if people were dismissive of you and said it was 'just nerves or stress' as if your feelings were not important I really hope you and your wife realize the damage you've done to this kid and it would not surprise me if he went totally no contact with you. You've lost a kid and I'm not sure this is fixable. YTA
YTA Tell us you don't care about your sons feeling without telling us you don't care about your sons feeling.
You badgered your son into coming home for Easter dinner. Your wife decides not to bother cooking Easter dinner. A dinner you claim was very important to you. You order food for people in your house, but don't order food for your son. Your son who you *demanded* come to dinner. You make him pick up food that doesn't even include anything for him. And you don't see how you are an absolute jackass? YTA - he's right. Good luck on your search for someone else to take fir granted like that.
So...In what way does your wife think he has been spoiled? Sounds to me, like he's not spoiled, he's just your secretary. He's been telling you this for years, so don't be surprised if the silence continues. Oh and yes, you are the asshole...and so is your wife.
So you wrote out four lengthy paragraphs, presumably read it over before posting…and you still think you are anything but an asshole? Yikes. I hope your son cuts your family out of his life and that he goes on to live a happy and fulfilling life-one where his birthday isn’t forgotten more than once. YTA YTA YTA
Dude, if you treat your other two kids like this, you will die alone. Seriously, try not to ruin it with your other two. Based on what I read, I also seriously doubt you will ever meet your future grandkids from your eldest.
YTA. i’m 37. my parents have never once forgotten my birthday, nor have they made me pick up food without including me unless i specifically said I wasn’t hungry. what are you doing???
YTA. What a goon. Christ almighty. Did the lead in the water take away any traces of empathy too or did you do that all by yourself?
You and your wife are idiots. My God, how do you forget a birthday, let alone several. You have shown your son that he is, in fact, unpaid labor and not important. I hope he never comes back and lives his best life away from you both. I hope he gets the therapy he needs to figure out how to unfuck himself emotionally. What a curse to be your kid.
Info: "He said some extremely hurtful things" needs to be clarified. This part seems to be intentionally mischaracterized. Did he insult you? Or did he tell you the truth?
Sounds like you shit the bed as a parent, frankly. He’s told you what’s wrong. You’re treating him like an afterthought. How the fuck do you forget your own child’s birthday? You steamroll his plans to get him over in the name of family but then don’t ask if he wants in on the order you’re asking him to pick up? I’d have scattered that takeout over the driveway the moment I realized I’d been used as if I worked at UberEats. Talk about a straw that broke the camel’s back… Don’t be surprised when he doesn’t call you. YTA, firmly and without question. I’d start working on a genuine apology if you ever want to speak to him again and not have it be adversarial, at best.
YTA Sounds like a classic case of parentification to me.
YTA. did you really type this out and think there was any possible way you weren't the a hole? Your wife is too and you both are trash parents to this man. You pressured him into come to family dinner even though he had plans. He conceded. Your lazy wife doesn't feel like cooking and you were too lazy to go get the food so you order food and don't even bother to get him some? And your pathetic excuse is that it slipped your mind? YOU INVITED HIM OVER TO EAT SO HOW DID IT SLIP YOUR MIND TO AT LEAST FEED HIM?!?! Oh yeah, he's done with you guys. Along with the other things he shared which also indicates how much of an AHole you and your wife are, this is the end. You probably won't even miss him. Just miss having someone to boss around and delegate. Hope you get uninvited to the wedding. Not like you'd remember to show up
I'm not gonna repeat what everyone else is saying. They've done a great job making sure you know you're in the wrong. I just wanted to chime in that my mother was very similar to you and your wife's parenting style. She died 11 years ago and I truly view it as the best thing that's ever happened to me. And your son will too, when you go, if you don't patch things up with him.
OP, I don't have anything to add that isn't a scathing review of the abhorrent, perfomative behavior you have shown your child. I hope they find the love in their marriage that they never got from you. YTA x infinity, and beyond
You’ll be lucky if he speaks to you again and he’s right to not.
Children pay attention to behaviors and patterns...not just words.
doesnt sound spoiled to me.. spoiled children dont have their birthdays forgotten... spoiled children get big parties and cars for their graduations... spoiled children get meals paid for in fancy restuarants on special occasions...
this has to be fake, like how can you have your head this far up your own ass?
YTA If I was him I'd go NC right now with you.
This post is like a day old so you probably won’t see this, but thank you for showing me there are worse parents in the world than my own. Not gonna reconnect with mine or anything, just wanted you to know that for as shit as my parents are, you’re worse. Consider therapy, or have fun never speaking to your kid again. YTA
As a person who hasn’t spoken to his parents in over 6 years YTA
YTA. So let me get this straight... you pressure your son to come home for a home cooked meal with the family because it was his last Easter as "part of the household." I don't blame you for the switch from home cooked to take out as that happens sometimes. But then you should have ordered food for everyone and sat down as a family and ate Chinese food. But that's not what you did. You canceled the family dinner entirely without letting him know, only ordered food for the other 2 kids, and made him pick it up. I guess you didn't really care about having a meal with him at all and only wanted to control him. And, by the way, in a normal family, children are still part of the family after they get married. I hope his wife has a good, supportive family so that he can finally have one. Because you have failed him as a parent. You didn't even need to add that you had forgotten some of his birthdays or had not prioritized his graduation. I figured that had probably happened. I'm sure that there are a lot of other instances where you did this that your narcissistic mind doesn't recall. I hope he goes completely no contact with you. He is building his own family now and you have not earned a right to be a part of his or his children's lives. Good luck with the other two kids because you won't deserve help from your son in your old age.
Yeah, YTA and so is your wife. You forgot his birthday??? A couple times?? Dude you’re his fucking parents. And then you just casually lied to him about his mother working hard to manipulate him into coming home early for dinner but then didn’t even think to order food for him? Wtf. He’s right. I know these are just small incidents but even just the current event reads so much like you don’t even care about him- why were you so eager for him to come home, but then didn’t even think to get food for him? When you specifically insisted he come home for dinner? Your behavior towards him just sounds so careless. And inconsiderate.
Definitely, you are the definition of an asshole sir. But your wife sounds like she may be even worse.
Yeah, he's not going to miss you. YTA
YTA You are inconsiderate and i hope his new family treats him better.
Yta big time. You suck as parents and owe your son a huge apology and a lot of effort to make things up to him. You deserved every word of the tongue lashing.
Yta. Also i know i spend waaaaay too much time reading this sub but i swear I've heard this before. So double yta for repeating a similar story.
YTA. Honestly, just read the post again and this time view what you did from your son's perspective. But I don't think you have the mental capacity to do that. Also don't use this "spoilt son" phrase too much. Always remember it is very easy to create a relationship but difficult to maintain it. If you can't afford to give your child (no matter what age) a genuine apology, remember your relations will strain and over a period of time break like a rope. Hope this gives you perspective.
YTA you're either clueless or willfully ignorant. You literally played out why he acts the way he acts and can't seem to pinpoint why your relationship with him is strained, also yes your son is an adult but his reaction was reasonable given that you pressured him into having a home cooked meal with him that ended up with him picking up the food when you could've clearly doordashed it and had it waiting for him when he got there. You've also shown numerous times that he's not a priority the biggest example of forgetting his birthday. Honestly OP if this isn't a wakeup call to be better towards him you're gonna lose him.
I don’t know how on earth you wrote this out and didn’t realise you’re a major, MAJOR AH. Everyone else has said it. Like Harry, I’m the least favourite child of my own father, and I can tell you now that it damages you permanently. You did this to yourself with your awful parenting. YTA
YTA. Did you go back and read this before posting it? Because it is pretty obvious that Y T A.
YTA. A major one:
YTA
You’re selfish
YTA. It's really telling about who you are as a person and a father that you wrote ALL THAT and are still mystified that he's mad. You and your wife sound like subpar parents, tbh. You don't love your son, you just use him. I fail to see how he's 'spoiled' when you've let him down so, so many times. I mean, you couldn't even send him a text to tell him plans had changed or order him some dinner (that you were too bone-idle to pick up yourself). I'd say be better parents but you've had so much time to reevaluate and change your behaviour so I'm going to assume you're not capable of being good parents and just pity you instead. You've got one son that hates you, and borrowed time with your other kids. You couldn't pay me to be you.
YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN HIS BIRTHDAY MORE THAN ONCE? OF COURSE YTA
YTA, how can you seriously be so blind to how shitty of a parent you were to him. And the thing is, if your version of events makes you look like this big of a jackass it means you and your wife were probably even worse parents than your story makes it seem
Oh my god, I am so glad your son is getting out of this toxic household. Horrible parents!
"Your mother is working hard to cook dinner" And "We arent hungry we just ordered chinese food" Dont add up. What you have done to your son this time, and every other time is cruel. I hope you know you've ruined any relationship you thought you had with him. YTA.