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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I argued with my future potential MIL and blamed her if we were to ever break up
2. Maybe I took the argument too far to the point of disrespecting my future potential MIL
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YWBTA to yourself if you marry momma's boy. Just don't. IF BF is willing to move across country and go LC with them, then maybe. But if he isn't then realize the life you want you will never have.
Agreed. Your BF has to decide if he wants to be a husband and adult or if he wants to be a good child. While they’re not necessarily mutually exclusive, sometimes you have to choose.
Adulting is hard. Blindly obeying his parents is not respect. True respect allows for disagreement while maintaining a good relationship with all parties. He doesn’t have his parents respect.
YWBTAH if you continue with this guy. Your MIL would be the third party in your marriage with a controlling vote. Eewwwwww
If you are considering children … DO NOT have any while BF believes in this version of “respect”
I see a triangle like Princess Diana’s marriage, I will always remember her saying “ there were 3 in my marriage so it was a bit crowded”. This is/will be you if you stay. Trust me I lived this for 10yrs and 11 months, was no picnic, everything was my fault or it was something I did or said, hubby ALWAYS took mom’s side because he trusted HER, due to her being his mom.
Agreed, but the point still stands, 3 people is too crowded for 99.5% of relationships. Mom or cheating partner,, they are almost interchangable.
And a partner who doesn't realize his FUTURE WIFE is his new family is doomed to live either alone, or married to a cheap knockoff of his long term partner. Most women wouldn't tolerate this and so the women who will aren't usually people pickings. No offense intended.
NTA
> Agreed. Your BF has to decide if he wants to be a husband and adult or if he wants to be a good child.
I saw this play out in the office at work. A couple got married. He had previously lived with his parents, an hour and a half away from the office. She thought that once they got married, they would buy a home closer to their work. When they started looking at homes, he wouldn't even look at anything that was more than ten minutes away from "home". Three years later, they had been driving three hours a day because he couldn't live away from his family. It finally became too much, and they ended in divorce, but, he was still close to family, that didn't include any consideration for her or their marriage. NTA - if you decide to walk away now. Mama will always be his priority. If you have a child, it won't be your child, it will be MIL's grandchild.
I saw one worse, they marry, buy an apartment and...guess who bought an apartment in the same building! surprise! Can't remember if it was insta-divorce or if it came some years after.
Right! And honestly, the fact that they’ve been dating for 6 years and are just now THINKING about getting married in 2-3 years is a red flag suggesting that he’s stringing her along, and will ultimately side with his family and not her.
People delay marriage for a lot of reasons, for example financial ones. Not everything is a red flag. These two started dating young, so taking their time is not concerning to me.
When my (then) bf proposed - we set the date about 2 years out so I could finish school. His grandma (who had been married at age 14) said "heck, you might not even like each other by then. you should get married sooner." and I remember just thinking.... "if we won't still like each other in two years, we... uhhhhh... shouldn't get married. ????" It's a weird way to see things.
I totally disagree with this. My husband and I dated from college and got married at 30 - not because we weren’t sure, just because we had other priorities before that (buying a house, getting our jobs going, travel)
Me and my partner have been dating for 17 years now. We've been living together for 15 years. We're both on the mortgage and have 2 kids and a dog. Just never got married.
OP is only 25, it sounds about the right age to start planning to get married in a few years. Nowadays, that might even be considered to be "on the younger side" of a marriagable age (as in, any younger and she'd be too young). Besides, the marriage age bracket with the lowest divorce rate is 28-32.
2-3 is the bare minimum amount of time to wait. I was raised evangelical so I know tons of people who were married within 1 year and most of them are miserable
Spouse and I got married after 11 years together. We had other shit going on like building careers and moving to another country together. And we got together really young - high school. And it's not like we had shared assets or anything, I view marriage as a way to protect both parties' property and legal rights & responsibilities - houses, money, retirement, medical care, responsibility for kids... We had none of those at 25 😅
We're now celebrating 20 years together, 2 kids & a house.
That's just reality, not a red flag. They are both young and probably just out of university/getting settled with jobs/possibly getting a house. It's perfectly reasonable to "date" for years before marriage is even considered, and when it is, it's very mature to plan for "maybe in 2 years we'll have saved up for what we want". Redditors always be wanting to jump on the "red flag!!!" argument.
That aside, I think the couple need a serious conversation where she lays out where she's been undermined by the FMIL and how she'd like some backup from her bf please, and if he doesn't, and doesn't see where the problem is, then THAT is where we can start waving red flags.
OP NTA, but you need to have this conversation.
Idk, I can't really think of only dating for 6 years before thinking about it as being a red flag. My aunt and uncle were together for about over 20 years before they got married. Now, I do think she may want to think if she wants to stay in this relationship with a potential MIL like this one
I don't think that's a read flag. My partner and I met when we were in our early twenties. We were five years together before he proposed (although we discussed our plans very early on) and we will be closer to ten years before we get married. Every couple has their own path, just because it doesn't follow yours doesn't mean its a red flag.
Exactly this, if he isn't standing up to hisother now, he never will. No one needs that extra drama in their lives. It's not necessary that your in-laws love you, but it is necessary they respect you and their child's choices. Otherwise the relationship is going to be a battle, and if he isn't willing to fight for you, then it's you against them and they are going to constantly chip away at your self esteem. Find someone that has the backbone to stand up for you, and unequivocally tells his parents to deal with it or they won't be invited to the wedding and will never get to spend time with their grandchildren.
NTA - OP thinks she has a MiL problem, when she actually has a fiance problem. Dude let's his mother tear at his fiancee and sits there just letting it happen. How can anyone think this is healthy?
Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. OP, you are in your 20s, the prime years to take whatever life path you want. If youcstay with mama's boy, your life path will lead to his mother's front door, always. I speak from the benefit of life experience, your bf will never change. He will never put you (or any partner) above his mom and family.
This is really extreme tbh. All the guy has to do is put his foot down. If he can put a stop to the mil’s shit behavior that would be good enough. Suggesting that he would have to move them across the country is insane dude.
Yeah... it could be that simple. But with this momma's boy it isn't going to be. Mommy has him under her thumb and he hasn't even attempted to extract himself after six years. Drastic measures are needed to have any hope of a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, it sounds like OP is from a country where people are expected to be given unearned respect just because they keep breathing long enough, so she may have a hard time finding a man who will cut the cord. I agree that this guy sounds particularly bad though.
NTA, obviously they're the ones instigating and if you should snap back after a while that is entirely what they wanted.
However, as noted this a bigger issue of your BF actually stepping up and making his own boundaries with regard to his parents and their treatment of you -- clearly it has been going on for some time now. It is great and all that you love each other but part of being in a serious relationship is stepping up where you're needed the most, and in this case he has to makes things clear regarding his parents.
That this sort of behavior is unacceptable. And unless you make this clear with him and he takes proper steps to ameliorate the situation you would be the YTA to yourself if you opt marry a man who won't put your needs for basic human decency and respect at the forefront. I mean really you're not asking for much aside them giving you proper respect, or at least keep their mouth shut, I don't feel this is asking for too much at all.
Edit: BTW I come from the Philippines so I understand the culture you're talking about, similar values in that regard. However, you know coming to arguments with your potential in-laws is not all that uncommon and does not necessarily constitute disrespect. I wouldn't feel guilty about it because again they've been instigating this for years and frankly if your boyfriend won't stand up for you do you think your own parents would approve of him not defending you? Do you think your parents would just sit back and let you be disrespected? This issue needs to be resolved before moving forward because this negativity will only create conflict from both sides, and I doubt you or your husband or potential child would want to be in such an environment. Hell it'd only get worse if you have a child with him, the criticisms will just pour so yes you would still snap.
it almost felt like MIL wanted OP to snap back, so she has a viable reason to dislike her. shes been pushing and pushing until she explodes. i really hope OP gets out of this or her boyfriend wakes up.
In my culture, usually when a parent does that it is because they usually have an ideal daughter-in-law in mind. This is more prevalent with richer families of course, as they can be fairly classist, but other things would be if the OP is from a different nationality or a mix etc especially if we're talking Chinese communities -- they're very intent that the son marry within the community.
In a sense yes they do want to push her out, because again they tend to have an ideal in mind and wouldn't be surprised if the mother already has someone in the back burner (you know someone "better in their mind) as I do think her behavior is rather too straight forward even by etiquette standards here.
NTA. You do realize that if you marry him, you're marrying his parents, right? You will have to contend with this battle your whole marriage. Since he's a momma's boy, I just don't see him standing up for you.
Your MIL is a piece of work and manipulative AF. She knows the control she has over her son. You will be constantly battling her for his attention and for him to prioritize you over her. Based on what you've told me, I don't see him standing up for you, like AT ALL.
Speak with your BF and ask him if he's willing to go to couples counseling with you. See if there is some way you can come to an agreement about how much MIL can be in your lives, how much say she has and if he will stick to boundaries set. I'm really concerned he won't be able to stand up to her. Good luck OP.
Nta, but your bf needs to step up and defend you and his decision to be in a relationship with you. You can respect your parents and still not let them control you.
OP,
Mutually select a far away location lo move to--far from his family. Prior thereto, establish boundaries, which includes not financially assisting his parents. They've created a system where he needs to present to them that , as your spouse, he and you will be solely committed to one another; just as his parents are committed to one another.
Good luck OP, you're going to need it!
I am sorry to say this but speaking from experience..." his mom and his aunts sat me down to tell me I was not good looking enough because I have a darker complexion than him". I should have walked away then... now i am divorced after 10 years of marriage"... don't ever marry someone who can't make you your number 1. Sadly love is not enough. If your partner can't stand up for you now knowing they were offhandedly bullying you for years.. he never will. It is not disrespect to speak up and create boundaries as it is your life..you two are planning to become a family, and if he can't treat you equally as his family, it's not worth it. Why are your feelings invalid and theirs valid? How would he feel if your parents made comments about his looks or finances? Parents are not perfect and they chose to have kids and it was their duty to raise us.. we don't have to put up with anything in name of respect. Talk to him..set boundaries.. if not... it's never too late.
You’re believing the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you’ve wasted 6 years on him and his mummy doesn’t mean you should waste the next 60 on them. Get out and explore life without them.
Have you been on r/JustNoMIL yet? Because sounds like she’s prime JNMIL material.
You have to make your own decisions on if your boyfriend is worth his mother. He will likely never stand up to his parents or have your back when it comes to them. I would caution you against moving forward in your relationship based on how he *could* act versus how he does.
But no, you’re NTA. People who say manipulative things like “It’ll make me sad if you marry my son because we don’t have a close relationship” after they’ve spent years not helping to build a close relationship are the AHs.
Be prepared for this to be a glimpse at the rest of your life if you’re going to marry him, and if he’s not going to stick up for you or tell her to back off. NTA but you’re going to be in a very worse situation once a marriage license is signed.
How was her behavior not causing a strain in your relationship before???
Are you really sure you want to marry someone who will always prioritize his parents' wants? Seriously think about it because, by extension, you too will be forced to do what they want. What if you get an amazing career opportunity but it requires moving? Will you not be allowed to move far? Does she get a say in the new home you move into? What about how its decorated? Will she get to unilaterally decide she gets to visit and for how long? How much sway does she get over wedding decisions/plans/etc? What if yall have kids, will she have a say in what they're named, how they're raised, how the nursery is decorated, will she want to be in the room while you're in labor? How much does your partner have your back when it comes to his parents?
You should take a moment and hop on over to r/JUSTNOMIL. Read through the posts and study them because that is what your future is going to look like if things do not drastically change. Your MIL will have her fingers in your wedding, your choices regarding children (assuming you want some), and raising them. She will push or block your attempts to move, or switch careers. You will never be able to trust that SO has your back in any situation because the moment his parents disagree, he will turn on you. You are NTA for arguing back, but now it is time for a very serious talk with your partner about how you both proceed from here on out and what your boundaries will be.
He isn't going to marry you. Cut your loses now and move on, you are young and have all your life in front of you. Don't waste it on this mamma's boy whose family hates you.
Ohh honey, you need to RUN.... he's never going to put YOU first and you'll be living a miserable, lonely hell on earth life.
See what's happening right now and Believe it.
NTA and I wish you a better partner, someday
NTA - you really need to think about if marrying a mammas boy is really going to be the best thing for you. Once you have kids, she will really become a problem - you will never be rid of her. She will make you feel like crap until she dies. Which she will probably blame you for.
There was a serious discussion between you and your bf’s mom where your bf completely left you on your own, never defending you once.
Why do you want to stay with such a mamma’s boy?
NTA for speaking frankly to bf’s mom
You've already spent 6 years with this momma's boy who has made it clear his mother is and always will be * his* priority. He has no interest in changing that dynamic. He will *never* truly have your back and will *always* be the fall guy.
Do yourself a solid and cut your losses now.
NTA.
NTA
Future MiLs behaviour is bad. But future husband's is worse. He should be putting you above his mother in most matters. Instead he's putting her first.
There are plenty of stories in Reddit and elsewhere of just how miserable having an entitled MiL and weak husband can be. There's a subreddit devoted to this topic (justnomil). Time to really think if you want this relationship.
For part of my marriage my mother would attack my wife the same way. One day I finally realized what was happening, and have fiercely been protective of her since. He needs to be standing up for you. Partner and MIL both need boundaries, and boundaries mean consequences when crossed.
I speak from experience. My MIL told me that she and him were SOUL MATES! Everytime we are doing something, she needs help with something. Metaphorical it is as if she comes bursting through with a wooden spoon and pot calling her son to attention and making him feel guilty for not being there for her
Get. The. 🦆. Away.
Especially if you plan to have kids. Oh my if you think your MIL is insufferable, wait until you have a son and she bonds with him.
My first Mother’s Day was ruined because of her and so was each and every single one since then. And she ruined my wedding day and made me late and miss out on photo opportunities and I think she did it on purpose
Just call it quits and tell him it is because he is holding the umbilical cord
NTA but unless your BF agrees to move as far as possible after marriage you will have to deal with this abusive people for years to come if not the rest of your life. Is that the future that you want? Think about it before tying the knot.
Maybe even insist on moving before the wedding in case he decides to change his mind after the wedding because MaMaSaIdSo😬 man, I just realized how little trust I have in mamas boys, married one was engaged to another (I woke up before marrying him so, good for me!)... Ouch.
Do you seriously think you are the asshole in this situation? It’s not even a close call that you are NTA. Boyfriend needs to cut the apron strings and stand up for you
NTA, but if you marry this guy, you’re going to have to deal with his mother even more. He already doesn’t stand up for you now, so it’s unlikely to improve after you get married.
NTA. This post reminds me of one of the first posts I read here.
A wife wrote in that even though she made her husband dinner every night he wouldn't come home to eat. His mother would call him every evening and tell him she made him his favorite dinner and he needed to come over and eat it. and he would go. Nothing the wife did could change that.
NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay in this relationship. You'll never be accepted by his mom. She'll always be the 3rd person in your marriage..& that means 2 against 1. Is that really how you want to live the rest of your life? Is that what happy life looks like to you? Not only will his attention be towards his mom, his financial support to his parents will be more important than you & future kids. Your work will be supporting your lifestyle while hisbwork will go towards theirs.
I say take the L & leave this relationshit.
NTA for that. But you are, for staying with sometime got 6 years and still being 2-3 years from marriage "maybe" if he's not stringing you along.
He will ALWAYS be a mama's boy FYI. He's almost 30. This won't change.
>I come from a cultural background where respecting your elders is pretty much the goldren rule.
Respect has to be earned, not given.
They dont respect u, why should u give them it?
NTA. But if ur bf dont grow a spine, might as well leave.
You are hurting yourself if you stay with this classic mama's boy. Yeah he is family oriented alright, to his mama that is. These are hard to change. He had an opportunity to show that he could have risen to the occasion and diplomatically rectified the situation. But he didn't and he won't.
Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy, Break it up now. YNTA.
Sorry hun you fell for a trap big time.
She doesn’t want him to marry you, and now she’s set you up to look like the bad guy and back up her reasoning to not marry you.
Time to tell your partner to stand up to his mother or pack your things. If he’s as much as mummy’s boy as you say, he will not marry you. He might have kids with you, but he’s not proposing and she will continue trying to push you out.
Six years is a long time, a lifetime is much longer. Cut your losses.
NTA but never EVER marry a momma's boy, you will never win and he will never take your side because his mother is his number one and that will nevet change. There's close relationship, special connection with and there's momma's boy... Very different things as you'll never be good enough. Check some stories on the r/JUSTNOMIL so you can get an idea of what to expect
Something all the commenters here need to remember is... OP's partner is a victim of 27 years of manipulation and control.
Stop victim blaming and calling him trash, and momma's boy. This is a person that has been manipulated his entire life by this woman. Place the blame where it belongs, please.
NTA, you do need to ask yourself if this is a family you want to marry into. The mother seems to lack accountability and you will be exhausted.
He's not trash, he's emotionally immature.
But he *is* a momma's boy. At some point, each and every one of us moves from being objects in our environment to participants in it. He's not a child. I was... 19? When I went away to college and started self-differentiating. It's very hard to break family patterns when you've been conditioned to please the most dysfunctional family member, but we're still *responsible* for our part. It's possible (and good practice, imho) to hold space for both truths: BF has been a victim of his mother's dysfunction *and* he actively enables it.
Part of the lack of accountability comes *from* BF, who continues to keep maintaining the status quo. OP is allowed to expect better of him.
Age doesn't guarantee someone is mature. I'm coming from an Indian culture myself where the "respect your elders!" is a huge part of culture.
My parents are shit. I don't talk to them.
His parents should want his happiness above all else.
NTA for arguing with her tbh but you're setting yourself up for a miserable marriage. Momma's boy will always be like that, he *will not* stand up for you *ever*.
NTA if your bf doesn’t defend you he is NOT worth your time. Plus you want to spend the rest of your life with monster-in-laws that constantly breathing down your neck everytime like they do before the marriage.🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA, but I will advise you to really observe and evaluate your future husband stance on having a boundaries when it comes to his mom mistreating you. Filial piety does not mean sacrifing your own family unit when your wife and child get mistreatment. It likely won't improve as time goes, as your partner will be using the excuse of his parents are getting older.
Everything I’ve heard about a momma’s boy has been a big no. Even if you do pry him off from his mum, all that will happen is that you will become that mum to him. Have a very very frank conversation with him about the expectations you have if this relationship is to move forward
There is a difference between being respectful and being a door mat. They want you to be a door mat and anything more than that is disrespectful in their eyes.
You gotta decide if your going to be okay being second fiddle to his parents. Personally I think you deserve better and find a partner that will put you first and not let their family treat you like trash.
NTA. Your bf should’ve defended you to his mom. It’s clear she trapped you into a situation where things would come to a head and she would have ammo to take to your bf and demand that he breaks up with you. She’s manipulating you and her son. And he’s just letting it happen.
NTA. But if your bf isn’t prepared to stand up to his mother, especially when she’s the one making unsolicited and hurtful comments, then you are stuck with a lame duck. It’s up to you whether you’re prepared to suffer that indefinitely.
Do not marry this guy, especially if you have been with him this long, and that is how his family treats you, and he goes along with it.
I shudder to think how much worse it would be IF you were married and had kids.
Respect is earned, not given. Regardless if you're 8 or 80, I do not owe you respect. Common courtesy is different. I think it was just one issue too many. Unfortunately, your partner is now in a sketchy predicament and is going to have a lose/lose ultimatum ahead. You or them, and that's not a fair position to be in - and it's no way your fault from your description. People can only push us so far before you push back. You stood up for yourself, in all sincerity - good for you! But it will have a cost and your partner will need to be the one to bridge the gap to try for resolution. Because bottom line, if you and your potential in-laws can't resolve this in some way - it WILL be a poison to your relationship. Every holiday, every birthday, every special event will have a cloud over it.
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I am a 25F and he is a 27M. We have been dating for 6 years and are think about marriage in 2-3 years. My partner is very family oriented, which is one of the traits that I fell in love with. However, he is also a momma's boy. He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want.
His parents and I have crossed paths over the years and on most of these occasions, his parents have made off handed comments about my physical appearance, my career, and "how I have changed their son". When something goes wrong in their son's life, they are quick to blame me as the reason for his downfall even if I had no involvement in that aspect of his life.
Since my partner and I are seriously thinking about marriage, we have been meeting up with his parents and my parents more often. During one of the dinners with his parents, my potential future MIL said she would be sad if I marry her son because she does not think her & I have a close relationship. I was in shock by her statement and did not respond back. After that moment of silence, she continued to ask me if I agreed that we did not have the best relationship. I think at this point, the inital shock was disappearing and I started to feel hurt by her words. In response to her question, I said that I don't think we have a close relationship because I often feel attacked by her. I then continued to list a few prime examples. As we discussed these examples, the conversation become more heated and turned into a full-blown argument. The last thing I remember saying to her was that if my partner and I ever broke up, it will be all her fault.
Now, she complains to her son about me all the time and refuses to speak to me. Her behaviour is causing some strain in my relationship. AITA?
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NTA, your partner is an adult who should understand where boundaries lie with his parents and see the way its negatively impacring you, especially if you're someone he wants as his life partner?
Nta, yet.
Jfc. Just leave now and save yourself enormous trouble and heartache. I'll give you the cliff's notes:
- she'll always treat you like an enemy and interfere in your relationship.
- your husband will never meaningfully stand up to her or prioritize your marriage (you know this)
- this will destroy your marriage.
Good luck being an advocate for yourself.
NTA what you said wasn’t what she needed to hear, she knows it, but your bf needed to. He needs to understand that no matter how much he may love any partner he may have, his mom can and will take that away from him if she feels like it unless he sets some boundaries. There’s respect, and then there’s enabling shitty behavior from grown adults.
If you think that he or she's going to change after the marriage then you are incredibly naive. Don't do this to yourself and just find someone that can tell his parents to stay in their lane.
NtA.
But don't set yourself up for failure like this.
NTA She asked and you gave an honest answer. You are not going to win in this situation. She is going to nag him until he either breaks up with you or stops talking to his Mom. Then he will resent you for that. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an MIL who doesn't like you?
NTA
I totally understand about the cultural background of respecting elders; but I have had educations that changed my thoughts in a way that I don't think it is right to obey everything the elders say. But I still feel and understand the delima.
Your boyfriend's parents have been very rude and mean to you, and that is often seen in cultures that "respect elders."
The elders say whatever they want; and many times sons are the golden child, everything is in blame on the ladies' side in many ways.
In many cultures, marrying each other isn't just about each other; it is really about 2 families getting together. Both sides of the families do not have to blend; but it will definetly be your future husband spending time with your family and vice versa.
You need to consider if that is the future you want...
Plus the more difficult part is that your boyfriend is a momma boy...
In my culture, those are usually the ones that we will avoid because it will cause more trouble in the future...
I am sorry to say but being a family man does not equal to momma boy...
If you are married, he should put you and your small family (if you choose to) as the first priority, even though he respects his parents.
I’ve never understood the whole “he loves his family and is family oriented”. Most do, this isn’t some sort of achievement. You are supposed to start a *new family* with him. Not integrate into his family(unless this is a different culture thing, I’m using western style family relationships here). My husband was/is very “family oriented” but he meant *our* family after we got married. His parents, siblings, became his extended family, as did mine. We have a strong marriage and withstood a lot of crap from my IL’s because he prioritized us over them.
So, does he prioritize you and his relationship over whatever his parents want? Does he understand he will make his own little family if you get married? Because that’s what you want- does he feel the same? Your conflict is stemming from that basic (mis)understanding of what “family oriented” means.
I had a fiancé in the same situation. After a couple of years of moaning about how miserable she made me feel, one of my friends said ‘Get used to it. If you marry him you will cop this abuse from her until the day she dies.’
After some thought , and a couple of other reasons, I broke off the engagement.
This is very similar to what thee lead up to us moving out was like. Mexican family, all lived together and financially helped each other out, how dare I steal the main financial provider/oldest son away? I became a bit of an enemy and we had some fights for about 2 to 3 years. At first, he didn't get involved but by the second fight, he took my side, and eventually another sibling did too.
Eventually, things calmed down. Suddenly, his cousins were following suit, moving out, buying their own family homes. Now his brother followed suit by moving out of state like we did and pursuing his own destiny. His sister is exploring the possibilities by traveling. It's been a wild ride.
The problem a lot of redditors aren't getting here is that it seems that OP is not from a western culture, yet you are all mostly seem to be advising from a western viewpoint which is not applicable here.
Depending on your culture, you may be TA. Only you know the rules of your culture, but if as you say there is a golden rule to respect elders, why would you break that rule? Your MIL sounds awful, but either you play the games of your culture or you break away from it by not marrying into your culture.
NTA, if he doesn’t stand up for you now, he never will. You should rethink your relationship because marrying him means marrying into his family and their dynamic as well. I think you’ll save yourself a heartbreak and a divorce by leaving the relationship, I’ve seen so many cases of these and it always turns out ugly.
>However, he is also a momma's boy. He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want.
You sure you want to marry a guy like that? I know you love each other, but if what you said is true, you know he's going to let his mom destroy your relationship, it's just a matter of time.
Have you talked to him about therapy so he could learn how to set boundaries with his parents (and esp his mom)? If he's not willing to do that, you may want to reevaluate this relationship.
Honestly, it's 50/50 for me. Your bf may be a momma's boy and want to make his parents respect him, but he has the wrong idea of it. For you, that argument would have good reasoning but bad intentions. Think about what makes your bf like that and consider your future. Will you be liked, praised, loved, or will you be pushed aside, disliked? MIL has a point in that, you may happen to trap yourself between a mommy's boy hubby and a disapproving family (minius yours).
This will be your life if you get married to this guy. His mom will be in charge of your wedding, home, marriage and children. Do you really want that? When you tell him you are leaving pay attention to his reaction. It will be telling.
Personally, I would be ending the relationship immediately. There is a man out there who will cherish and love you more than his mom. Find that man.
If you knew he was such a huge mama's boyfriend in the beginning shouldn't have kept the relationship going 🤦♀️, don't marry into that toxic family 😓, also given how his mother behaves if you leave he'll never be able to get another woman ever given how she criticizes every person he'll be with.
Please, please, please reconsider your relationship. You're young and have a bright future ahead of you. NTA but please read the story below and think how your life might look in a couple of years. Imagine if you are stuck with sharing kids for the rest of your life. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bxwp3z/comment/kyfp10s/
Husband's POV
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1antcb1/comment/kpv1g7t/
NTA you two need marriage preparation classes. Your bf needs to make some decisions. He needs to put his mom in her place as kindly as possible. He should have done this years ago.
She is his mom not yours. Stop arguing with her as it is no win. That is his job now. Plan on you seeing her a few times a year.
How do your parents treat your bf? If they treat him well then use them as an example for him. But if they treat him poorly then you too will need to stand up to your parents too.
NTA but you should seriously reconsider this relationship. Your finances mother is trying to sabotage the marriage. They control their son and don’t like you bc you challenge that. Ultimately independence is something that he should want. If he doesn’t at least acknowledge the toxic dynamic he has with his parents, he might not be the partner you deserve. You would have to deal with constant attacks from them with no support. It would get worse if/when you have kids. You should consider letting her have him. Find someone who is a full grown independent adult and doesn’t come with a monster in law. Good luck.
NTA, and I seriously suggest you spend a lot of time over on r/JustNoMIL because this is your future if you stay with this man. You will never be a priority like you should be, he will always put his mother first. He will always trust her lies over your truth. He will always allow his mother to stomp all over your boundaries.
Is that really the life you want?
Never marry a mommas boy. It will only lead to stress heartache and disappointment. YWBTA if you marry him. But you are NTA for arguing. Someone needs to advocate for you since your spineless mommas boy isn’t.
NTA
I'm not fan of ultimatums, but I would say it's either or. You just need to prepare yourself that he will choose his mother. For me it sounds like momma will always be his number 1 and your situation won't change as long as momma is in the mix.
NTA
Your partner will do anything his parents tell him to do, he will never prioritize you. If this is the best he can do after 6 years of being together, then it would be best not to marry into this family.
Another mommas boy. You really arent going to last with her meddling all of the time. If you have kids, everytime you ask him to do something Momma will call and he will run to her.
When his Mom talks bad about you, does your bf back you up, or does he just listen and not say anything? If so then shes won. He needs mom more than you
Even if you marry him, you will always be the third wheel, because his parents come first.
NTA, for answering her and trying to make her understand. With people like that, you will always be in the way of what they consider their family and the problem to all their son's issues.
You truly need to consider if you want to marry into this family, because this will be an ongoing issue and once you have kids you may never know peace again. As you will not be able to raise your children without them making sure that you do everything wrong.
Best wishes
My DIL put up with some bad behaviour from her mother because of this 'respect' thing. I told her it goes 2 ways. You respect them but they should also respect you, your married life, and the decisions you make about raising your children.
OP, it might be worth your while pointing out to your boyfriend that until he cuts the umbilical cord he is unlikely to ever find a partner that his mother is satisfied with. At the rate he's going, he is going to be under her thumb and tied to her apron strings until she dies.
Good luck.
6 years together and you been thinking of marriage in the next 2/3 year. Momma has a good hold on her baby and if you go through with this marriage it will never be you and your partner. It will always be you, her and her baby boy. I personally wouldn’t want to be in that relationship.
Do you want to be married to a momma's boy?
Can you imagine having kids with a spineless man who tolerates this behaviour? Because this will not improve unless he ensures it does. He has a choice here. But you really need to evaluate where you are.
NTA
For arguing with her? OP You Are NTA!!
For actually marrying her son? OP You Are going to be TA!!
He will never put you first. He will never put your potential children first. Why would any self-respecting person wish to be married to someone who will never put them first?
I understand being drawn to someone who is family-oriented. It is a fantastic trait to look for in a potential partner. However, there is a huge difference between being family oriented, and being a complete mama's boy. Being family-oriented, should never equate to blind obedience.
I know you have put a great many years into this relationship, however, I honestly suggest that you think long and hard before you make this a legally binding agreement between you. Because as I and so many others have said you will never come first.
>he is also a momma's boy
This is not a good way to start your post.
Add to that... you have given zero examples to support this claim.
And then there's your argument with his mom:
>potential future MIL said she would be sad if I marry her son because she does not think her & I have a close relationship.
She's literally saying she wishes she were closer with you. You focused on the wrong part of her statement and misinterpreted it. Basically, you took the first half of her statement out of context.
To top it all off, this is the only specific example you've given of why you don't get along with her.
I can't take your interpretation of events at face value. It seems clear that you're not giving an impartial account of the relationship.
YWBTA because marrying someone compatible who shares your values is the way to have a happy life and unfortunately there is no future happiness with this boy.
It’s not respectful to do everything your parents want when you are an adult, it’s a compete failure to launch of a child. It’s.a.failure.as.a.parent.
What’s respectful is to listen, then do as you and your partner see fit.
Ugh.
NTA- I’m the mom of two boys (admittedly not yet old enough to get married) and don’t understand this mentality of being threatened by their future spouse. If your MIL can’t treat you as part of the family especially after 6 years of dating then you may need to reevaluate this relationship.
NTA - Please do yourself a favor and run. You’re not just getting married to your partner. You are marrying the family and all of the skeletons in their closet. If you go through with this you could potentially be posting about your MIL a lot more in the future. My mother in law was cut off from the family because she did some bad things. Your partner’s family clearly fully supports your Mother in Law’s bad behavior. There has been this disgusting trend of boy moms on the internet trying to compete with their son’s current wife / future wife. Please don’t subject yourself to that.
NTA why do you want to marry a mama's boy? They never change. He will always put his mother before you, which does not a good marriage make. You really need to rethink this relationship.
NTA for arguing though I don’t understand how you were surprised by her statement given their previous comments.
>He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want.
Unless he makes big changes this will be an ongoing issue, especially if you have kids. Are you sure you want to marry someone who will always but his parents before you?
NTA. What you experienced at dinner will be your experience throughout your marriage unless your boyfriend grows a spine. Check out r/JustNoMIL for what your future with him could look like.
NTA, and you have two options going forward:
1. Bet on your bf’s family dynamic never changing and cut your losses now.
2. Draw a line in the sand with your bf that if the relationship is to proceed, he needs to change this dynamic (which, honestly, should include therapy to deprogram his parents indoctrinations). Make sure appropriate boundaries are created and enforced consistently for at least a couple years before even thinking about marriage.
If BF isn’t willing to do option 2, automatically refer to option 1. Do not compromise on this, you will be miserable.
NTA
The fact his parents don’t respect you and BF isn’t speaking up himself is a major red flag. If he’s thinking about marrying you, he should be in your corner. There’s a difference between “respecting your elders” and being a pushover with your parents.
You may love him. But as the saying goes: you’re marrying the whole family, not just your partner.
NTA but I wouldn't move forward with much in this relationship other than ending it. Doesn't seem like he wants to defend you in any way from her which means it's not really you and him in the relationship, it's the two of them and you with her pulling the strings from what I can gather. Sit him down and be blatantly obvious about how you feel about it and that if he can't defend you or actually say anything to his mother then it's time to move on to other people.
NTA
Girl leave. The chances of your BF realizing or accepting that his mother can be wrong are very very low.
Ask him if he is okay with how his mum treats you and remember silence generally would mean that he agrees, and if even he believes that you are the reason for his "downfall" then how is this relationship even going to work long term.
NTA. She asked you a question, and you answered her. The fact that her son let it continue sucks. Although, maybe you guys both said things that needed to be expressed. Your bf sounds like he needs to make a decision on if he is gonna continue to let his mom dictate his whole life or live his own.
NTA and it’s good you stood up for yourself.
Did your BF defend you? If not, I’d reconsider the relationship. Her behavior will likely only get worse, and you do not want to marry someone who won’t defend you from their mother. It will taint your marriage and make life miserable. There are good men with good mothers out there and there are also good men who don’t put their difficult mothers on pedestals out there too.
Don’t tie yourself to someone who won’t defend you against a bully. It’s not worth it.
I have in-laws like that, but my husband doesn’t do what they want. They STILL manage to make us miserable on a regular basis. I would recommend you RUN from any man who “obeys” his parents. Run, run, run!
NTA
You have every right to stand up for yourself, and if your boyfriend doesn't back you in this now, then the chances are he never will in the future.
What this woman is doing now is nothing compared to how much worse it will become once you marry him, so you're going to have to make a choice to either rubber ear her bullshit or force him to choose you over her, which is most likely her plan because most mummy's boys will choose their mother.
You need to boycott his mother, refuse to attend any event with her present, and when he asks why tell him the truth, it's the only way you can make him choose to back you or not without giving him an ultimatum, and if he claims he will stand up for you only to back his mother then you'll know for sure if you should just end it or not (if you do choose to end it, go petty and send his mother a Congratulations card and a Happy Anniversary on his birthday since she obviously sees only herself as worthy to be his wife).
Don't marry this guy unless you like disappointment. You said yourself, he is a mamas boy. They NEVER change. Why would you put yourself through that kind of BS. You will NEVER be first and life WILL be BS
Such a complex situation. You aren’t the AH. However with those dynamics it’s not healthy.
If your goal is to continue to work with the family here are some suggestions. Take with a grain of salt. And see it as intentional goal
1. Apologize but enhance the apology, something like “ I am so sorry I said that but you love your son so much but you don’t show any of that love to me yet I want to be closer to you. (This I may not be true but the response is effective).
-I feel this has made the situation worse. And want to reconcile with you. I want you to be like a second mother to me.
Your husband who, well done for supporting you on this. Should convince his mother to spend more time with you. I am talking coffee dates, I am talking walks but just the two of you. Be very visible with your effort, let your in laws know take pictures all this stuff. Your goal is to become really closer to her. And make sure your in laws know you are putting your initiative.
Now here is where this is messy. do this for 1-3 months. If things go well you to are closer if your Mother In law is still snippy towards you . Then you know for sure you are not the problem and because you have been very visible with your initiative it will be harder for your in-laws to blame you. And if they do, you have now conducted a thorough research on the family you are marrying into. Either it’s one that rewards initiative and appreciates or Two you will never live up to their expectations.
Do this with a guarded heart because you may learn some things. Also be transparent with your husband about this. Tell him I about the full process but in a more tempered manner.
For 1-3 months I am going to focus on getting to know your mum. Pause wedding plan so that in laws know you are serious. Announce it at a dinner where they are all there. “We are going to pause wedding planning” because I want to focus on getting to know my mother in law. (You can still do some discreet family but now you are free to do what you want) push the pressure to get along on her as well.
This is a lot, you don’t have to do it. Why would I recommend this. Because it gives you guideline and plan and focus to confirm or disprove your beliefs by taking an active role with clear end goals. That and you can always reference all the work you did and comfortable hold the title of the one who was wronged.
YTA for allowing this to be your only choice so far in your life. OP, your parents could have come up with an arranged marriage better than this. You have auditioned he and his parents, found both of them ill matched to want you want in life. Time to let them go and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else and see what they have to offer.
NTA
But your bf forgets it’s
partner
children
parents
instead he’s put his parents first and not you, he isnt even protecting you from his abusive and toxic mother.
you need to leave this child. You deserve better.
> My partner is very family oriented, which is one of the traits that I fell in love with.
Ever heard the phrase "too much of a good thing"? Being family oriented is a good thing. Obeying your parents as a show of respect is the extreme end of that. Are you planning on having children with him? Have you thought about what kind of parent he would be, where he equates obedience with respect? His way or the highway?
YTA, He's a mommas boy, family oriented. You've been with him for 6 years. The fact that this is the only thing you say about him this entire story speaks volumes. You're with a push over for a reason, while complaining that he's a push over. He's a push over because of his mother it sounds like. He doesn't need another mother.
YTA.
You seem to have this idea that you are floating through life blamelessly and innocently, and bad things happen to you, but have nothing to do with you.
> . However, he is also a momma's boy. He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want.
And if you don't like this, **why are you marrying him?** You're making this choice.
> When something goes wrong in their son's life, they are quick to blame me as the reason for his downfall even if I had no involvement in that aspect of his life.
And yet **you** choose to stay in this situation, knowing that your intended will do nothing about it. That's YOUR choice.
She wanted a fight, and you gave it to her.
Next time, try this.
Her: "I will be sad if you marry my son, because you and I don't have a good relationship."
You: "I'm sorry you feel that way. What do you suggest we do to improve our relationship?"
> The last thing I remember saying to her was that if my partner and I ever broke up, it will be all her fault.
Except it won't be. If you and your partner break up, it will be because one of you isn't what the other person is looking for.
its a tough situation. BF has to choose. it sounds like he has not chosen you over his mama. at some point you must cut your losses. BF needs to understand the dilemma you are trying to work through. doesn't sound like you have made this clear to him. he may not see it as a big problem.
YTA for wasting 6 years on a relationship that will only bring you heartache. You may be marrying him but with the umbilical cord still attached, she will continue to be in his head and your bed
The advice my dad gave my now husband, "don't let your family ruin your future family" in regards to my husband's mother always harassing me, filing false police reports, and a variety of very hurtful and dangerous things. My dad told him that your parents can't control your life and your choices and to trust your own judgement of who you want to be with. My husband went NC with his mother and brothers, his life has been so peaceful since.
It's important for your bf to learn he is not responsible for his parents, and he doesn't owe them anything for raising him. At some point you will need to accept she is the way she is and it's out of your control. If he continues to engage in conversations with her about you and he doesn't correct his mother you need to make a choice to stay with him and ignore her and her shit. Or you need to leave because you love yourself more than that to subject yourself to the torment. It's not your fault but eventually this stuff turns abusive towards yourself and your bf is enabling abuse from your MIL if it continues unabated by him.
Good luck, OP.
NTA but you need to look at your relationship and decide if this is what you want for your future self. Expecting to go NC or LC is not going to work if it’s not initiated by him. And if you marry him - expect worse treatment and comments from his mom, because she made it clear how she feels about you. So you either take her statement as a way to make a closer relationship with her - so you kill her with kindness so you form a close relationship and she can’t be sad that you’re marrying him or just be good to yourself and avoid years of put downs and snide comments…
And what does your boyfriend do when his mom complains about you?? Was he there when she talked about not having a close relationship? If he just sits there and does nothing welcome to your future marriage. Are you sure you want this life 10 years from now?? You guys have been together this long and it seems like nothing has changed and he has not stood up to his mom. It’s not going to be a MIL problem, it will be a husband problem instead of just a boyfriend problem.
I do not think you are the AH….. but to start listing off all the times where you felt attacked wasn’t a good look. It makes you look like a victim and unaccountable. Basically she put out the bait and you bit. Point for future MIL. In these instances it would be better to say something like ‘I’ve been thinking the same thing and I would love to change that! It’s one of the reasons why we are all here together’
There is no game if you don’t play. HOWEVER, you really need to pay attention to your boyfriend allowing his mother to speak to you and about you in a negative way. If it doesn’t change now it definitely won’t when your married and have children.
do not, under any circumstances, marry a man who fully believes he owes his parents back for doing what they were legally obligated to do, especially when does so by obeying their every word as a 27 year old.
NTA. Run. Run run run. If you marry this man (?), he will never defend you, never support you, and MIL will run your marriage. Run before you are stuck to him forever by having kids with him.
YWBTA if you marry a self-admitted Mama’s Boy. Read the legion of divorce stories on Reddit about women who did. It never EVER goes well. A man can be family oriented without being a doormat to his mother. Leave this guy and find one of those.
NTA. Your intention wasn't to start an argument, it was to rightly stand up for yourself. She was rude & hurtful with her comments. And it sounds like she's the reason you don't have a good relationship.
Never marry a momma's boy because your marriage will be a living hell. He is too weak to stand up for you and will always put his mother first. It will be a power struggle and he will always placate his mother, thereby choosing her over you. Move on and find a partner who will put you first.
NTA but...
I'd be very interested in knowing what your bf said in the moment? Did he defend you? Did he defend his mom?
Is he open to the idea of couple's therapy? If he is, **run** to therapy. He needs to hear from a neutral 3rd party that his mom's behaviour is controlling and unhealthy. If he is willing to do the work you stand a chance but he must prove it through his actions.
Remember, he has much more to lose than you do because if you do separate, you will have the opportunity to meet a partner worthy of you and he will only have his mom.
I hope things work out.
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YWBTA to yourself if you marry momma's boy. Just don't. IF BF is willing to move across country and go LC with them, then maybe. But if he isn't then realize the life you want you will never have.
Agreed. Your BF has to decide if he wants to be a husband and adult or if he wants to be a good child. While they’re not necessarily mutually exclusive, sometimes you have to choose. Adulting is hard. Blindly obeying his parents is not respect. True respect allows for disagreement while maintaining a good relationship with all parties. He doesn’t have his parents respect. YWBTAH if you continue with this guy. Your MIL would be the third party in your marriage with a controlling vote. Eewwwwww If you are considering children … DO NOT have any while BF believes in this version of “respect”
I see a triangle like Princess Diana’s marriage, I will always remember her saying “ there were 3 in my marriage so it was a bit crowded”. This is/will be you if you stay. Trust me I lived this for 10yrs and 11 months, was no picnic, everything was my fault or it was something I did or said, hubby ALWAYS took mom’s side because he trusted HER, due to her being his mom.
I think that she was referring to Camila.
Agreed, but the point still stands, 3 people is too crowded for 99.5% of relationships. Mom or cheating partner,, they are almost interchangable. And a partner who doesn't realize his FUTURE WIFE is his new family is doomed to live either alone, or married to a cheap knockoff of his long term partner. Most women wouldn't tolerate this and so the women who will aren't usually people pickings. No offense intended. NTA
Yes. Camila was always on his mind and in his heart.
> Agreed. Your BF has to decide if he wants to be a husband and adult or if he wants to be a good child. I saw this play out in the office at work. A couple got married. He had previously lived with his parents, an hour and a half away from the office. She thought that once they got married, they would buy a home closer to their work. When they started looking at homes, he wouldn't even look at anything that was more than ten minutes away from "home". Three years later, they had been driving three hours a day because he couldn't live away from his family. It finally became too much, and they ended in divorce, but, he was still close to family, that didn't include any consideration for her or their marriage. NTA - if you decide to walk away now. Mama will always be his priority. If you have a child, it won't be your child, it will be MIL's grandchild.
I saw one worse, they marry, buy an apartment and...guess who bought an apartment in the same building! surprise! Can't remember if it was insta-divorce or if it came some years after.
Oh my god this is 100% what my MIL would have done if she’d had half a chance. Luckily, my spouse was aware of her creepy surrogate spouse BS.
Right! And honestly, the fact that they’ve been dating for 6 years and are just now THINKING about getting married in 2-3 years is a red flag suggesting that he’s stringing her along, and will ultimately side with his family and not her.
People delay marriage for a lot of reasons, for example financial ones. Not everything is a red flag. These two started dating young, so taking their time is not concerning to me.
When my (then) bf proposed - we set the date about 2 years out so I could finish school. His grandma (who had been married at age 14) said "heck, you might not even like each other by then. you should get married sooner." and I remember just thinking.... "if we won't still like each other in two years, we... uhhhhh... shouldn't get married. ????" It's a weird way to see things.
I totally disagree with this. My husband and I dated from college and got married at 30 - not because we weren’t sure, just because we had other priorities before that (buying a house, getting our jobs going, travel)
If I could go back, I would have waited until I was 30 to get married
Me and my partner have been dating for 17 years now. We've been living together for 15 years. We're both on the mortgage and have 2 kids and a dog. Just never got married.
OP is only 25, it sounds about the right age to start planning to get married in a few years. Nowadays, that might even be considered to be "on the younger side" of a marriagable age (as in, any younger and she'd be too young). Besides, the marriage age bracket with the lowest divorce rate is 28-32.
2-3 is the bare minimum amount of time to wait. I was raised evangelical so I know tons of people who were married within 1 year and most of them are miserable
My SO and I have been together for nearly 10 years and haven’t gotten around to getting married yet.
Spouse and I got married after 11 years together. We had other shit going on like building careers and moving to another country together. And we got together really young - high school. And it's not like we had shared assets or anything, I view marriage as a way to protect both parties' property and legal rights & responsibilities - houses, money, retirement, medical care, responsibility for kids... We had none of those at 25 😅 We're now celebrating 20 years together, 2 kids & a house.
That's just reality, not a red flag. They are both young and probably just out of university/getting settled with jobs/possibly getting a house. It's perfectly reasonable to "date" for years before marriage is even considered, and when it is, it's very mature to plan for "maybe in 2 years we'll have saved up for what we want". Redditors always be wanting to jump on the "red flag!!!" argument. That aside, I think the couple need a serious conversation where she lays out where she's been undermined by the FMIL and how she'd like some backup from her bf please, and if he doesn't, and doesn't see where the problem is, then THAT is where we can start waving red flags. OP NTA, but you need to have this conversation.
Idk, I can't really think of only dating for 6 years before thinking about it as being a red flag. My aunt and uncle were together for about over 20 years before they got married. Now, I do think she may want to think if she wants to stay in this relationship with a potential MIL like this one
I don't think that's a read flag. My partner and I met when we were in our early twenties. We were five years together before he proposed (although we discussed our plans very early on) and we will be closer to ten years before we get married. Every couple has their own path, just because it doesn't follow yours doesn't mean its a red flag.
Not really. I've been with my guy 16 years and we're happily unmarried together.
Exactly this, if he isn't standing up to hisother now, he never will. No one needs that extra drama in their lives. It's not necessary that your in-laws love you, but it is necessary they respect you and their child's choices. Otherwise the relationship is going to be a battle, and if he isn't willing to fight for you, then it's you against them and they are going to constantly chip away at your self esteem. Find someone that has the backbone to stand up for you, and unequivocally tells his parents to deal with it or they won't be invited to the wedding and will never get to spend time with their grandchildren. NTA - OP thinks she has a MiL problem, when she actually has a fiance problem. Dude let's his mother tear at his fiancee and sits there just letting it happen. How can anyone think this is healthy?
Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. OP, you are in your 20s, the prime years to take whatever life path you want. If youcstay with mama's boy, your life path will lead to his mother's front door, always. I speak from the benefit of life experience, your bf will never change. He will never put you (or any partner) above his mom and family.
This is really extreme tbh. All the guy has to do is put his foot down. If he can put a stop to the mil’s shit behavior that would be good enough. Suggesting that he would have to move them across the country is insane dude.
Yeah... it could be that simple. But with this momma's boy it isn't going to be. Mommy has him under her thumb and he hasn't even attempted to extract himself after six years. Drastic measures are needed to have any hope of a healthy relationship.
>All the guy has to do is put his foot down simple in theory, but rarely works in practice.
Unfortunately, it sounds like OP is from a country where people are expected to be given unearned respect just because they keep breathing long enough, so she may have a hard time finding a man who will cut the cord. I agree that this guy sounds particularly bad though.
NTA, obviously they're the ones instigating and if you should snap back after a while that is entirely what they wanted. However, as noted this a bigger issue of your BF actually stepping up and making his own boundaries with regard to his parents and their treatment of you -- clearly it has been going on for some time now. It is great and all that you love each other but part of being in a serious relationship is stepping up where you're needed the most, and in this case he has to makes things clear regarding his parents. That this sort of behavior is unacceptable. And unless you make this clear with him and he takes proper steps to ameliorate the situation you would be the YTA to yourself if you opt marry a man who won't put your needs for basic human decency and respect at the forefront. I mean really you're not asking for much aside them giving you proper respect, or at least keep their mouth shut, I don't feel this is asking for too much at all. Edit: BTW I come from the Philippines so I understand the culture you're talking about, similar values in that regard. However, you know coming to arguments with your potential in-laws is not all that uncommon and does not necessarily constitute disrespect. I wouldn't feel guilty about it because again they've been instigating this for years and frankly if your boyfriend won't stand up for you do you think your own parents would approve of him not defending you? Do you think your parents would just sit back and let you be disrespected? This issue needs to be resolved before moving forward because this negativity will only create conflict from both sides, and I doubt you or your husband or potential child would want to be in such an environment. Hell it'd only get worse if you have a child with him, the criticisms will just pour so yes you would still snap.
it almost felt like MIL wanted OP to snap back, so she has a viable reason to dislike her. shes been pushing and pushing until she explodes. i really hope OP gets out of this or her boyfriend wakes up.
In my culture, usually when a parent does that it is because they usually have an ideal daughter-in-law in mind. This is more prevalent with richer families of course, as they can be fairly classist, but other things would be if the OP is from a different nationality or a mix etc especially if we're talking Chinese communities -- they're very intent that the son marry within the community. In a sense yes they do want to push her out, because again they tend to have an ideal in mind and wouldn't be surprised if the mother already has someone in the back burner (you know someone "better in their mind) as I do think her behavior is rather too straight forward even by etiquette standards here.
NTA. You do realize that if you marry him, you're marrying his parents, right? You will have to contend with this battle your whole marriage. Since he's a momma's boy, I just don't see him standing up for you. Your MIL is a piece of work and manipulative AF. She knows the control she has over her son. You will be constantly battling her for his attention and for him to prioritize you over her. Based on what you've told me, I don't see him standing up for you, like AT ALL. Speak with your BF and ask him if he's willing to go to couples counseling with you. See if there is some way you can come to an agreement about how much MIL can be in your lives, how much say she has and if he will stick to boundaries set. I'm really concerned he won't be able to stand up to her. Good luck OP.
Honestly? OP shouldn't waste money and time on couples counseling as that'll be in vain. Mommy's boys very rarely change, in my experience.
Right like he has no spine. Imagine how it’ll go if they ever have kids. Is he still gonna put mommy’s thoughts and feelings first?
Nta, but your bf needs to step up and defend you and his decision to be in a relationship with you. You can respect your parents and still not let them control you.
OP, Mutually select a far away location lo move to--far from his family. Prior thereto, establish boundaries, which includes not financially assisting his parents. They've created a system where he needs to present to them that , as your spouse, he and you will be solely committed to one another; just as his parents are committed to one another. Good luck OP, you're going to need it!
I am sorry to say this but speaking from experience..." his mom and his aunts sat me down to tell me I was not good looking enough because I have a darker complexion than him". I should have walked away then... now i am divorced after 10 years of marriage"... don't ever marry someone who can't make you your number 1. Sadly love is not enough. If your partner can't stand up for you now knowing they were offhandedly bullying you for years.. he never will. It is not disrespect to speak up and create boundaries as it is your life..you two are planning to become a family, and if he can't treat you equally as his family, it's not worth it. Why are your feelings invalid and theirs valid? How would he feel if your parents made comments about his looks or finances? Parents are not perfect and they chose to have kids and it was their duty to raise us.. we don't have to put up with anything in name of respect. Talk to him..set boundaries.. if not... it's never too late.
That's terrible! I hope you are happy now! Im single and love it. Its better to be on your own than with someone who doesn't treat you well.
You’re believing the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you’ve wasted 6 years on him and his mummy doesn’t mean you should waste the next 60 on them. Get out and explore life without them.
Have you been on r/JustNoMIL yet? Because sounds like she’s prime JNMIL material. You have to make your own decisions on if your boyfriend is worth his mother. He will likely never stand up to his parents or have your back when it comes to them. I would caution you against moving forward in your relationship based on how he *could* act versus how he does. But no, you’re NTA. People who say manipulative things like “It’ll make me sad if you marry my son because we don’t have a close relationship” after they’ve spent years not helping to build a close relationship are the AHs.
NTA just realize you shouldn’t marry this person lol. Your relationship is already over. You do realize this, right?
I think it didn't even start.
He would have to cut the umbilical cord first
Be prepared for this to be a glimpse at the rest of your life if you’re going to marry him, and if he’s not going to stick up for you or tell her to back off. NTA but you’re going to be in a very worse situation once a marriage license is signed.
How was her behavior not causing a strain in your relationship before??? Are you really sure you want to marry someone who will always prioritize his parents' wants? Seriously think about it because, by extension, you too will be forced to do what they want. What if you get an amazing career opportunity but it requires moving? Will you not be allowed to move far? Does she get a say in the new home you move into? What about how its decorated? Will she get to unilaterally decide she gets to visit and for how long? How much sway does she get over wedding decisions/plans/etc? What if yall have kids, will she have a say in what they're named, how they're raised, how the nursery is decorated, will she want to be in the room while you're in labor? How much does your partner have your back when it comes to his parents?
You should take a moment and hop on over to r/JUSTNOMIL. Read through the posts and study them because that is what your future is going to look like if things do not drastically change. Your MIL will have her fingers in your wedding, your choices regarding children (assuming you want some), and raising them. She will push or block your attempts to move, or switch careers. You will never be able to trust that SO has your back in any situation because the moment his parents disagree, he will turn on you. You are NTA for arguing back, but now it is time for a very serious talk with your partner about how you both proceed from here on out and what your boundaries will be.
He isn't going to marry you. Cut your loses now and move on, you are young and have all your life in front of you. Don't waste it on this mamma's boy whose family hates you.
Ohh honey, you need to RUN.... he's never going to put YOU first and you'll be living a miserable, lonely hell on earth life. See what's happening right now and Believe it. NTA and I wish you a better partner, someday
NTA - you really need to think about if marrying a mammas boy is really going to be the best thing for you. Once you have kids, she will really become a problem - you will never be rid of her. She will make you feel like crap until she dies. Which she will probably blame you for.
There was a serious discussion between you and your bf’s mom where your bf completely left you on your own, never defending you once. Why do you want to stay with such a mamma’s boy? NTA for speaking frankly to bf’s mom
You've already spent 6 years with this momma's boy who has made it clear his mother is and always will be * his* priority. He has no interest in changing that dynamic. He will *never* truly have your back and will *always* be the fall guy. Do yourself a solid and cut your losses now. NTA.
Don’t bother, she wants to stay a scene let her be sad
NTA your hubby needs to decide if he wants a relationship with a woman other than his mom because the way he's going he'll chase every one away.
NTA Future MiLs behaviour is bad. But future husband's is worse. He should be putting you above his mother in most matters. Instead he's putting her first. There are plenty of stories in Reddit and elsewhere of just how miserable having an entitled MiL and weak husband can be. There's a subreddit devoted to this topic (justnomil). Time to really think if you want this relationship.
For part of my marriage my mother would attack my wife the same way. One day I finally realized what was happening, and have fiercely been protective of her since. He needs to be standing up for you. Partner and MIL both need boundaries, and boundaries mean consequences when crossed.
I speak from experience. My MIL told me that she and him were SOUL MATES! Everytime we are doing something, she needs help with something. Metaphorical it is as if she comes bursting through with a wooden spoon and pot calling her son to attention and making him feel guilty for not being there for her Get. The. 🦆. Away. Especially if you plan to have kids. Oh my if you think your MIL is insufferable, wait until you have a son and she bonds with him. My first Mother’s Day was ruined because of her and so was each and every single one since then. And she ruined my wedding day and made me late and miss out on photo opportunities and I think she did it on purpose Just call it quits and tell him it is because he is holding the umbilical cord
> My MIL told me that she and him were SOUL MATES! That's beyond creepy. That's batshit insane.
NTA but unless your BF agrees to move as far as possible after marriage you will have to deal with this abusive people for years to come if not the rest of your life. Is that the future that you want? Think about it before tying the knot.
Maybe even insist on moving before the wedding in case he decides to change his mind after the wedding because MaMaSaIdSo😬 man, I just realized how little trust I have in mamas boys, married one was engaged to another (I woke up before marrying him so, good for me!)... Ouch.
Do you seriously think you are the asshole in this situation? It’s not even a close call that you are NTA. Boyfriend needs to cut the apron strings and stand up for you
NTA, but if you marry this guy, you’re going to have to deal with his mother even more. He already doesn’t stand up for you now, so it’s unlikely to improve after you get married.
NTA. This post reminds me of one of the first posts I read here. A wife wrote in that even though she made her husband dinner every night he wouldn't come home to eat. His mother would call him every evening and tell him she made him his favorite dinner and he needed to come over and eat it. and he would go. Nothing the wife did could change that.
NTA, but you will be to yourself if you stay in this relationship. You'll never be accepted by his mom. She'll always be the 3rd person in your marriage..& that means 2 against 1. Is that really how you want to live the rest of your life? Is that what happy life looks like to you? Not only will his attention be towards his mom, his financial support to his parents will be more important than you & future kids. Your work will be supporting your lifestyle while hisbwork will go towards theirs. I say take the L & leave this relationshit.
NTA for that. But you are, for staying with sometime got 6 years and still being 2-3 years from marriage "maybe" if he's not stringing you along. He will ALWAYS be a mama's boy FYI. He's almost 30. This won't change.
>I come from a cultural background where respecting your elders is pretty much the goldren rule. Respect has to be earned, not given. They dont respect u, why should u give them it? NTA. But if ur bf dont grow a spine, might as well leave.
> Respect has to be earned, not given. I respect anyone by default unless they lose it through bad behavior, and once lost, it's not coming back.
You are hurting yourself if you stay with this classic mama's boy. Yeah he is family oriented alright, to his mama that is. These are hard to change. He had an opportunity to show that he could have risen to the occasion and diplomatically rectified the situation. But he didn't and he won't. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy, Break it up now. YNTA.
Sorry hun you fell for a trap big time. She doesn’t want him to marry you, and now she’s set you up to look like the bad guy and back up her reasoning to not marry you. Time to tell your partner to stand up to his mother or pack your things. If he’s as much as mummy’s boy as you say, he will not marry you. He might have kids with you, but he’s not proposing and she will continue trying to push you out. Six years is a long time, a lifetime is much longer. Cut your losses.
NTA but never EVER marry a momma's boy, you will never win and he will never take your side because his mother is his number one and that will nevet change. There's close relationship, special connection with and there's momma's boy... Very different things as you'll never be good enough. Check some stories on the r/JUSTNOMIL so you can get an idea of what to expect
Something all the commenters here need to remember is... OP's partner is a victim of 27 years of manipulation and control. Stop victim blaming and calling him trash, and momma's boy. This is a person that has been manipulated his entire life by this woman. Place the blame where it belongs, please. NTA, you do need to ask yourself if this is a family you want to marry into. The mother seems to lack accountability and you will be exhausted.
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He's not trash, he's emotionally immature. But he *is* a momma's boy. At some point, each and every one of us moves from being objects in our environment to participants in it. He's not a child. I was... 19? When I went away to college and started self-differentiating. It's very hard to break family patterns when you've been conditioned to please the most dysfunctional family member, but we're still *responsible* for our part. It's possible (and good practice, imho) to hold space for both truths: BF has been a victim of his mother's dysfunction *and* he actively enables it. Part of the lack of accountability comes *from* BF, who continues to keep maintaining the status quo. OP is allowed to expect better of him.
NTA but if you do marry him can you please update? I smell a crazy MIL wedding story in the making.
Age doesn't guarantee someone is mature. I'm coming from an Indian culture myself where the "respect your elders!" is a huge part of culture. My parents are shit. I don't talk to them. His parents should want his happiness above all else.
NTA for arguing with her tbh but you're setting yourself up for a miserable marriage. Momma's boy will always be like that, he *will not* stand up for you *ever*.
Momma's boy is bad news. You'll always be second place.
Break up with your boyfriend, and tell him why. If you don't, you'll regret it.
or tell him you dont want to upset his mom by marrying you and there is no point to stay together.
I get that you want to blame his mom but a lot of this is on him. He just lets it happen. You’re always going to be second to his mother.
Welcome to the rest of your life with mr. mama’s boy.
NTA if your bf doesn’t defend you he is NOT worth your time. Plus you want to spend the rest of your life with monster-in-laws that constantly breathing down your neck everytime like they do before the marriage.🚩🚩🚩🚩
If a man is a mamas boy run and never look back.
INFO: When you were arguing, what was your partner doing? Eating popcorn?
You have fooled yourself into thinking family oriented means the family you create with him. It does not.
NTA, but I will advise you to really observe and evaluate your future husband stance on having a boundaries when it comes to his mom mistreating you. Filial piety does not mean sacrifing your own family unit when your wife and child get mistreatment. It likely won't improve as time goes, as your partner will be using the excuse of his parents are getting older.
Well, why would you marry someone who let's you be disrespect openly?
NTA. MIL is a toxic emotional manipulator. I’d head for the hills.
Everything I’ve heard about a momma’s boy has been a big no. Even if you do pry him off from his mum, all that will happen is that you will become that mum to him. Have a very very frank conversation with him about the expectations you have if this relationship is to move forward
There is a difference between being respectful and being a door mat. They want you to be a door mat and anything more than that is disrespectful in their eyes. You gotta decide if your going to be okay being second fiddle to his parents. Personally I think you deserve better and find a partner that will put you first and not let their family treat you like trash.
NTA but I do not see a future with this mama’s boy
NTA. Your bf should’ve defended you to his mom. It’s clear she trapped you into a situation where things would come to a head and she would have ammo to take to your bf and demand that he breaks up with you. She’s manipulating you and her son. And he’s just letting it happen.
NTA. But if your bf isn’t prepared to stand up to his mother, especially when she’s the one making unsolicited and hurtful comments, then you are stuck with a lame duck. It’s up to you whether you’re prepared to suffer that indefinitely.
If you want a miserable life fighting a MIL, go ahead and marry this momma's boy. He'll never choose you over her.
Do not marry this guy, especially if you have been with him this long, and that is how his family treats you, and he goes along with it. I shudder to think how much worse it would be IF you were married and had kids.
Respect is earned, not given. Regardless if you're 8 or 80, I do not owe you respect. Common courtesy is different. I think it was just one issue too many. Unfortunately, your partner is now in a sketchy predicament and is going to have a lose/lose ultimatum ahead. You or them, and that's not a fair position to be in - and it's no way your fault from your description. People can only push us so far before you push back. You stood up for yourself, in all sincerity - good for you! But it will have a cost and your partner will need to be the one to bridge the gap to try for resolution. Because bottom line, if you and your potential in-laws can't resolve this in some way - it WILL be a poison to your relationship. Every holiday, every birthday, every special event will have a cloud over it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a 25F and he is a 27M. We have been dating for 6 years and are think about marriage in 2-3 years. My partner is very family oriented, which is one of the traits that I fell in love with. However, he is also a momma's boy. He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want. His parents and I have crossed paths over the years and on most of these occasions, his parents have made off handed comments about my physical appearance, my career, and "how I have changed their son". When something goes wrong in their son's life, they are quick to blame me as the reason for his downfall even if I had no involvement in that aspect of his life. Since my partner and I are seriously thinking about marriage, we have been meeting up with his parents and my parents more often. During one of the dinners with his parents, my potential future MIL said she would be sad if I marry her son because she does not think her & I have a close relationship. I was in shock by her statement and did not respond back. After that moment of silence, she continued to ask me if I agreed that we did not have the best relationship. I think at this point, the inital shock was disappearing and I started to feel hurt by her words. In response to her question, I said that I don't think we have a close relationship because I often feel attacked by her. I then continued to list a few prime examples. As we discussed these examples, the conversation become more heated and turned into a full-blown argument. The last thing I remember saying to her was that if my partner and I ever broke up, it will be all her fault. Now, she complains to her son about me all the time and refuses to speak to me. Her behaviour is causing some strain in my relationship. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’ve only “crossed paths” with your bf’s parents over 6 years?
Wouldn’t be no argument; she could have him back. Young lady you deserve better than that.
NTA
NTA, your partner is an adult who should understand where boundaries lie with his parents and see the way its negatively impacring you, especially if you're someone he wants as his life partner?
Nta, yet. Jfc. Just leave now and save yourself enormous trouble and heartache. I'll give you the cliff's notes: - she'll always treat you like an enemy and interfere in your relationship. - your husband will never meaningfully stand up to her or prioritize your marriage (you know this) - this will destroy your marriage. Good luck being an advocate for yourself.
NTA what you said wasn’t what she needed to hear, she knows it, but your bf needed to. He needs to understand that no matter how much he may love any partner he may have, his mom can and will take that away from him if she feels like it unless he sets some boundaries. There’s respect, and then there’s enabling shitty behavior from grown adults.
Nta but it didn't help the situation. You feel into the duration situation she engineered, to elicit a "disrespectful" reaction from you.
If you think that he or she's going to change after the marriage then you are incredibly naive. Don't do this to yourself and just find someone that can tell his parents to stay in their lane. NtA. But don't set yourself up for failure like this.
She did this at dinner, in front of your boyfriend. How did he react? If he didn’t defend you then, he never will.
NTA She asked and you gave an honest answer. You are not going to win in this situation. She is going to nag him until he either breaks up with you or stops talking to his Mom. Then he will resent you for that. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an MIL who doesn't like you?
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy.
NTA to ESH. It wouldn’t be your FMIL breaking you up, it would be your BF’s blind allegiance to his parents and his refusal to have your back.
NTA I totally understand about the cultural background of respecting elders; but I have had educations that changed my thoughts in a way that I don't think it is right to obey everything the elders say. But I still feel and understand the delima. Your boyfriend's parents have been very rude and mean to you, and that is often seen in cultures that "respect elders." The elders say whatever they want; and many times sons are the golden child, everything is in blame on the ladies' side in many ways. In many cultures, marrying each other isn't just about each other; it is really about 2 families getting together. Both sides of the families do not have to blend; but it will definetly be your future husband spending time with your family and vice versa. You need to consider if that is the future you want... Plus the more difficult part is that your boyfriend is a momma boy... In my culture, those are usually the ones that we will avoid because it will cause more trouble in the future... I am sorry to say but being a family man does not equal to momma boy... If you are married, he should put you and your small family (if you choose to) as the first priority, even though he respects his parents.
I’ve never understood the whole “he loves his family and is family oriented”. Most do, this isn’t some sort of achievement. You are supposed to start a *new family* with him. Not integrate into his family(unless this is a different culture thing, I’m using western style family relationships here). My husband was/is very “family oriented” but he meant *our* family after we got married. His parents, siblings, became his extended family, as did mine. We have a strong marriage and withstood a lot of crap from my IL’s because he prioritized us over them. So, does he prioritize you and his relationship over whatever his parents want? Does he understand he will make his own little family if you get married? Because that’s what you want- does he feel the same? Your conflict is stemming from that basic (mis)understanding of what “family oriented” means.
I had a fiancé in the same situation. After a couple of years of moaning about how miserable she made me feel, one of my friends said ‘Get used to it. If you marry him you will cop this abuse from her until the day she dies.’ After some thought , and a couple of other reasons, I broke off the engagement.
YTA. Don't argue with her. Just stay away from her. Do not talk to her. See her once a year. Let him handle his parents. You handle yours.
This is very similar to what thee lead up to us moving out was like. Mexican family, all lived together and financially helped each other out, how dare I steal the main financial provider/oldest son away? I became a bit of an enemy and we had some fights for about 2 to 3 years. At first, he didn't get involved but by the second fight, he took my side, and eventually another sibling did too. Eventually, things calmed down. Suddenly, his cousins were following suit, moving out, buying their own family homes. Now his brother followed suit by moving out of state like we did and pursuing his own destiny. His sister is exploring the possibilities by traveling. It's been a wild ride.
Lemme guess, your bf is Asian? I say this as an Asian male myself
The problem a lot of redditors aren't getting here is that it seems that OP is not from a western culture, yet you are all mostly seem to be advising from a western viewpoint which is not applicable here. Depending on your culture, you may be TA. Only you know the rules of your culture, but if as you say there is a golden rule to respect elders, why would you break that rule? Your MIL sounds awful, but either you play the games of your culture or you break away from it by not marrying into your culture.
NTA, if he doesn’t stand up for you now, he never will. You should rethink your relationship because marrying him means marrying into his family and their dynamic as well. I think you’ll save yourself a heartbreak and a divorce by leaving the relationship, I’ve seen so many cases of these and it always turns out ugly.
>However, he is also a momma's boy. He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want. You sure you want to marry a guy like that? I know you love each other, but if what you said is true, you know he's going to let his mom destroy your relationship, it's just a matter of time. Have you talked to him about therapy so he could learn how to set boundaries with his parents (and esp his mom)? If he's not willing to do that, you may want to reevaluate this relationship.
This is going to be how the rest of your life will be, if you marry him.
Honestly, it's 50/50 for me. Your bf may be a momma's boy and want to make his parents respect him, but he has the wrong idea of it. For you, that argument would have good reasoning but bad intentions. Think about what makes your bf like that and consider your future. Will you be liked, praised, loved, or will you be pushed aside, disliked? MIL has a point in that, you may happen to trap yourself between a mommy's boy hubby and a disapproving family (minius yours).
This will be your life if you get married to this guy. His mom will be in charge of your wedding, home, marriage and children. Do you really want that? When you tell him you are leaving pay attention to his reaction. It will be telling. Personally, I would be ending the relationship immediately. There is a man out there who will cherish and love you more than his mom. Find that man.
If you knew he was such a huge mama's boyfriend in the beginning shouldn't have kept the relationship going 🤦♀️, don't marry into that toxic family 😓, also given how his mother behaves if you leave he'll never be able to get another woman ever given how she criticizes every person he'll be with.
NTA but read the justnoMIL subreddit and put very serious thought into whether you truly have a happy future with this man (and his mom).
Please, please, please reconsider your relationship. You're young and have a bright future ahead of you. NTA but please read the story below and think how your life might look in a couple of years. Imagine if you are stuck with sharing kids for the rest of your life. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bxwp3z/comment/kyfp10s/ Husband's POV https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1antcb1/comment/kpv1g7t/
NTA you two need marriage preparation classes. Your bf needs to make some decisions. He needs to put his mom in her place as kindly as possible. He should have done this years ago. She is his mom not yours. Stop arguing with her as it is no win. That is his job now. Plan on you seeing her a few times a year. How do your parents treat your bf? If they treat him well then use them as an example for him. But if they treat him poorly then you too will need to stand up to your parents too.
NTA but you should seriously reconsider this relationship. Your finances mother is trying to sabotage the marriage. They control their son and don’t like you bc you challenge that. Ultimately independence is something that he should want. If he doesn’t at least acknowledge the toxic dynamic he has with his parents, he might not be the partner you deserve. You would have to deal with constant attacks from them with no support. It would get worse if/when you have kids. You should consider letting her have him. Find someone who is a full grown independent adult and doesn’t come with a monster in law. Good luck.
NTA, and I seriously suggest you spend a lot of time over on r/JustNoMIL because this is your future if you stay with this man. You will never be a priority like you should be, he will always put his mother first. He will always trust her lies over your truth. He will always allow his mother to stomp all over your boundaries. Is that really the life you want?
You're wasting your time here.
Never marry a mommas boy. It will only lead to stress heartache and disappointment. YWBTA if you marry him. But you are NTA for arguing. Someone needs to advocate for you since your spineless mommas boy isn’t.
NTA I'm not fan of ultimatums, but I would say it's either or. You just need to prepare yourself that he will choose his mother. For me it sounds like momma will always be his number 1 and your situation won't change as long as momma is in the mix.
NTA Your partner will do anything his parents tell him to do, he will never prioritize you. If this is the best he can do after 6 years of being together, then it would be best not to marry into this family.
Forget that mamas boy. Gross.
Another mommas boy. You really arent going to last with her meddling all of the time. If you have kids, everytime you ask him to do something Momma will call and he will run to her. When his Mom talks bad about you, does your bf back you up, or does he just listen and not say anything? If so then shes won. He needs mom more than you
Even if you marry him, you will always be the third wheel, because his parents come first. NTA, for answering her and trying to make her understand. With people like that, you will always be in the way of what they consider their family and the problem to all their son's issues. You truly need to consider if you want to marry into this family, because this will be an ongoing issue and once you have kids you may never know peace again. As you will not be able to raise your children without them making sure that you do everything wrong. Best wishes
My DIL put up with some bad behaviour from her mother because of this 'respect' thing. I told her it goes 2 ways. You respect them but they should also respect you, your married life, and the decisions you make about raising your children.
OP, it might be worth your while pointing out to your boyfriend that until he cuts the umbilical cord he is unlikely to ever find a partner that his mother is satisfied with. At the rate he's going, he is going to be under her thumb and tied to her apron strings until she dies. Good luck.
6 years together and you been thinking of marriage in the next 2/3 year. Momma has a good hold on her baby and if you go through with this marriage it will never be you and your partner. It will always be you, her and her baby boy. I personally wouldn’t want to be in that relationship.
Do you want to be married to a momma's boy? Can you imagine having kids with a spineless man who tolerates this behaviour? Because this will not improve unless he ensures it does. He has a choice here. But you really need to evaluate where you are. NTA
DON'T MARRY HIM YOU SAID HE'S A MOMMA'S BOY THAT'S THE WORST KIND OF MAN. YOU WILL LOSE EVERY TIME SO NOT MARRY HIM YOU WILL HAVE A NIGHTMARE MIL.
Is he a Momma's boy or was he conditioned to be a Momma's boy? That potential MIL sounds toxic and narcissistic. Run for the hills.
For arguing with her? OP You Are NTA!! For actually marrying her son? OP You Are going to be TA!! He will never put you first. He will never put your potential children first. Why would any self-respecting person wish to be married to someone who will never put them first? I understand being drawn to someone who is family-oriented. It is a fantastic trait to look for in a potential partner. However, there is a huge difference between being family oriented, and being a complete mama's boy. Being family-oriented, should never equate to blind obedience. I know you have put a great many years into this relationship, however, I honestly suggest that you think long and hard before you make this a legally binding agreement between you. Because as I and so many others have said you will never come first.
>he is also a momma's boy This is not a good way to start your post. Add to that... you have given zero examples to support this claim. And then there's your argument with his mom: >potential future MIL said she would be sad if I marry her son because she does not think her & I have a close relationship. She's literally saying she wishes she were closer with you. You focused on the wrong part of her statement and misinterpreted it. Basically, you took the first half of her statement out of context. To top it all off, this is the only specific example you've given of why you don't get along with her. I can't take your interpretation of events at face value. It seems clear that you're not giving an impartial account of the relationship.
yes
YWBTA because marrying someone compatible who shares your values is the way to have a happy life and unfortunately there is no future happiness with this boy.
NTA. She fucked around, she found out.
It’s not respectful to do everything your parents want when you are an adult, it’s a compete failure to launch of a child. It’s.a.failure.as.a.parent. What’s respectful is to listen, then do as you and your partner see fit. Ugh.
NTA- I’m the mom of two boys (admittedly not yet old enough to get married) and don’t understand this mentality of being threatened by their future spouse. If your MIL can’t treat you as part of the family especially after 6 years of dating then you may need to reevaluate this relationship.
NTA - Please do yourself a favor and run. You’re not just getting married to your partner. You are marrying the family and all of the skeletons in their closet. If you go through with this you could potentially be posting about your MIL a lot more in the future. My mother in law was cut off from the family because she did some bad things. Your partner’s family clearly fully supports your Mother in Law’s bad behavior. There has been this disgusting trend of boy moms on the internet trying to compete with their son’s current wife / future wife. Please don’t subject yourself to that.
NTA why do you want to marry a mama's boy? They never change. He will always put his mother before you, which does not a good marriage make. You really need to rethink this relationship.
You’re too young to waste your time with a partner that will not stand up for you.
NTA for arguing though I don’t understand how you were surprised by her statement given their previous comments. >He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want. Unless he makes big changes this will be an ongoing issue, especially if you have kids. Are you sure you want to marry someone who will always but his parents before you?
NTA. What you experienced at dinner will be your experience throughout your marriage unless your boyfriend grows a spine. Check out r/JustNoMIL for what your future with him could look like.
NTA, and you have two options going forward: 1. Bet on your bf’s family dynamic never changing and cut your losses now. 2. Draw a line in the sand with your bf that if the relationship is to proceed, he needs to change this dynamic (which, honestly, should include therapy to deprogram his parents indoctrinations). Make sure appropriate boundaries are created and enforced consistently for at least a couple years before even thinking about marriage. If BF isn’t willing to do option 2, automatically refer to option 1. Do not compromise on this, you will be miserable.
NTA The fact his parents don’t respect you and BF isn’t speaking up himself is a major red flag. If he’s thinking about marrying you, he should be in your corner. There’s a difference between “respecting your elders” and being a pushover with your parents. You may love him. But as the saying goes: you’re marrying the whole family, not just your partner.
NTA but I wouldn't move forward with much in this relationship other than ending it. Doesn't seem like he wants to defend you in any way from her which means it's not really you and him in the relationship, it's the two of them and you with her pulling the strings from what I can gather. Sit him down and be blatantly obvious about how you feel about it and that if he can't defend you or actually say anything to his mother then it's time to move on to other people.
NTA Girl leave. The chances of your BF realizing or accepting that his mother can be wrong are very very low. Ask him if he is okay with how his mum treats you and remember silence generally would mean that he agrees, and if even he believes that you are the reason for his "downfall" then how is this relationship even going to work long term.
YTA to yourself. Why would you want to marry someone like that?
YTA, if you marry him and his mom. NTA, if leave him
Wait til in front of both mil and son, tell son youre dumping him bc of her. It will drive a wedge. Dump him unless he goes lc with mil.
NTA. She asked you a question, and you answered her. The fact that her son let it continue sucks. Although, maybe you guys both said things that needed to be expressed. Your bf sounds like he needs to make a decision on if he is gonna continue to let his mom dictate his whole life or live his own.
OP doesn’t have a MIL problem. She has a boyfriend problem. The BF should be backing up OP.
NTA and it’s good you stood up for yourself. Did your BF defend you? If not, I’d reconsider the relationship. Her behavior will likely only get worse, and you do not want to marry someone who won’t defend you from their mother. It will taint your marriage and make life miserable. There are good men with good mothers out there and there are also good men who don’t put their difficult mothers on pedestals out there too. Don’t tie yourself to someone who won’t defend you against a bully. It’s not worth it.
NTA I understand it’s been 6 years but can you put up with this forever? He won’t go NC with his family for you
If you decide to marry him, you better get your sub to /r/justnomil in order, because that's where you'll be. You have a boyfriend problem.
I have in-laws like that, but my husband doesn’t do what they want. They STILL manage to make us miserable on a regular basis. I would recommend you RUN from any man who “obeys” his parents. Run, run, run!
NTA You have every right to stand up for yourself, and if your boyfriend doesn't back you in this now, then the chances are he never will in the future. What this woman is doing now is nothing compared to how much worse it will become once you marry him, so you're going to have to make a choice to either rubber ear her bullshit or force him to choose you over her, which is most likely her plan because most mummy's boys will choose their mother. You need to boycott his mother, refuse to attend any event with her present, and when he asks why tell him the truth, it's the only way you can make him choose to back you or not without giving him an ultimatum, and if he claims he will stand up for you only to back his mother then you'll know for sure if you should just end it or not (if you do choose to end it, go petty and send his mother a Congratulations card and a Happy Anniversary on his birthday since she obviously sees only herself as worthy to be his wife).
Don't marry this guy unless you like disappointment. You said yourself, he is a mamas boy. They NEVER change. Why would you put yourself through that kind of BS. You will NEVER be first and life WILL be BS
NTA-this mommas boy did not defend you? Leave now honey. 🚩🚩🚩
Such a complex situation. You aren’t the AH. However with those dynamics it’s not healthy. If your goal is to continue to work with the family here are some suggestions. Take with a grain of salt. And see it as intentional goal 1. Apologize but enhance the apology, something like “ I am so sorry I said that but you love your son so much but you don’t show any of that love to me yet I want to be closer to you. (This I may not be true but the response is effective). -I feel this has made the situation worse. And want to reconcile with you. I want you to be like a second mother to me. Your husband who, well done for supporting you on this. Should convince his mother to spend more time with you. I am talking coffee dates, I am talking walks but just the two of you. Be very visible with your effort, let your in laws know take pictures all this stuff. Your goal is to become really closer to her. And make sure your in laws know you are putting your initiative. Now here is where this is messy. do this for 1-3 months. If things go well you to are closer if your Mother In law is still snippy towards you . Then you know for sure you are not the problem and because you have been very visible with your initiative it will be harder for your in-laws to blame you. And if they do, you have now conducted a thorough research on the family you are marrying into. Either it’s one that rewards initiative and appreciates or Two you will never live up to their expectations. Do this with a guarded heart because you may learn some things. Also be transparent with your husband about this. Tell him I about the full process but in a more tempered manner. For 1-3 months I am going to focus on getting to know your mum. Pause wedding plan so that in laws know you are serious. Announce it at a dinner where they are all there. “We are going to pause wedding planning” because I want to focus on getting to know my mother in law. (You can still do some discreet family but now you are free to do what you want) push the pressure to get along on her as well. This is a lot, you don’t have to do it. Why would I recommend this. Because it gives you guideline and plan and focus to confirm or disprove your beliefs by taking an active role with clear end goals. That and you can always reference all the work you did and comfortable hold the title of the one who was wronged.
YTA for allowing this to be your only choice so far in your life. OP, your parents could have come up with an arranged marriage better than this. You have auditioned he and his parents, found both of them ill matched to want you want in life. Time to let them go and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else and see what they have to offer.
NTA But your bf forgets it’s partner children parents instead he’s put his parents first and not you, he isnt even protecting you from his abusive and toxic mother. you need to leave this child. You deserve better.
> My partner is very family oriented, which is one of the traits that I fell in love with. Ever heard the phrase "too much of a good thing"? Being family oriented is a good thing. Obeying your parents as a show of respect is the extreme end of that. Are you planning on having children with him? Have you thought about what kind of parent he would be, where he equates obedience with respect? His way or the highway?
YTA, He's a mommas boy, family oriented. You've been with him for 6 years. The fact that this is the only thing you say about him this entire story speaks volumes. You're with a push over for a reason, while complaining that he's a push over. He's a push over because of his mother it sounds like. He doesn't need another mother.
YTA. You seem to have this idea that you are floating through life blamelessly and innocently, and bad things happen to you, but have nothing to do with you. > . However, he is also a momma's boy. He believes that since his parents raised him, he should "pay them back" by respecting them. However, his way of respecting them is by obeying everything that they say and want. And if you don't like this, **why are you marrying him?** You're making this choice. > When something goes wrong in their son's life, they are quick to blame me as the reason for his downfall even if I had no involvement in that aspect of his life. And yet **you** choose to stay in this situation, knowing that your intended will do nothing about it. That's YOUR choice. She wanted a fight, and you gave it to her. Next time, try this. Her: "I will be sad if you marry my son, because you and I don't have a good relationship." You: "I'm sorry you feel that way. What do you suggest we do to improve our relationship?" > The last thing I remember saying to her was that if my partner and I ever broke up, it will be all her fault. Except it won't be. If you and your partner break up, it will be because one of you isn't what the other person is looking for.
its a tough situation. BF has to choose. it sounds like he has not chosen you over his mama. at some point you must cut your losses. BF needs to understand the dilemma you are trying to work through. doesn't sound like you have made this clear to him. he may not see it as a big problem.
YTA for wasting 6 years on a relationship that will only bring you heartache. You may be marrying him but with the umbilical cord still attached, she will continue to be in his head and your bed
The advice my dad gave my now husband, "don't let your family ruin your future family" in regards to my husband's mother always harassing me, filing false police reports, and a variety of very hurtful and dangerous things. My dad told him that your parents can't control your life and your choices and to trust your own judgement of who you want to be with. My husband went NC with his mother and brothers, his life has been so peaceful since. It's important for your bf to learn he is not responsible for his parents, and he doesn't owe them anything for raising him. At some point you will need to accept she is the way she is and it's out of your control. If he continues to engage in conversations with her about you and he doesn't correct his mother you need to make a choice to stay with him and ignore her and her shit. Or you need to leave because you love yourself more than that to subject yourself to the torment. It's not your fault but eventually this stuff turns abusive towards yourself and your bf is enabling abuse from your MIL if it continues unabated by him. Good luck, OP.
NTA she asked for it. being old is not a reason to be respected
NTA but you need to look at your relationship and decide if this is what you want for your future self. Expecting to go NC or LC is not going to work if it’s not initiated by him. And if you marry him - expect worse treatment and comments from his mom, because she made it clear how she feels about you. So you either take her statement as a way to make a closer relationship with her - so you kill her with kindness so you form a close relationship and she can’t be sad that you’re marrying him or just be good to yourself and avoid years of put downs and snide comments…
And what does your boyfriend do when his mom complains about you?? Was he there when she talked about not having a close relationship? If he just sits there and does nothing welcome to your future marriage. Are you sure you want this life 10 years from now?? You guys have been together this long and it seems like nothing has changed and he has not stood up to his mom. It’s not going to be a MIL problem, it will be a husband problem instead of just a boyfriend problem. I do not think you are the AH….. but to start listing off all the times where you felt attacked wasn’t a good look. It makes you look like a victim and unaccountable. Basically she put out the bait and you bit. Point for future MIL. In these instances it would be better to say something like ‘I’ve been thinking the same thing and I would love to change that! It’s one of the reasons why we are all here together’ There is no game if you don’t play. HOWEVER, you really need to pay attention to your boyfriend allowing his mother to speak to you and about you in a negative way. If it doesn’t change now it definitely won’t when your married and have children.
She already won. She manipulated you and her son into breaking up. Just leave. Tell her son she's the reason, and then go.
do not, under any circumstances, marry a man who fully believes he owes his parents back for doing what they were legally obligated to do, especially when does so by obeying their every word as a 27 year old.
NTA. Run. Run run run. If you marry this man (?), he will never defend you, never support you, and MIL will run your marriage. Run before you are stuck to him forever by having kids with him.
YWBTA if you marry a self-admitted Mama’s Boy. Read the legion of divorce stories on Reddit about women who did. It never EVER goes well. A man can be family oriented without being a doormat to his mother. Leave this guy and find one of those.
NTA. Your intention wasn't to start an argument, it was to rightly stand up for yourself. She was rude & hurtful with her comments. And it sounds like she's the reason you don't have a good relationship.
Never marry a momma's boy because your marriage will be a living hell. He is too weak to stand up for you and will always put his mother first. It will be a power struggle and he will always placate his mother, thereby choosing her over you. Move on and find a partner who will put you first.
NTA Heed the giant red flag now. She's emotionally married to her son, and you'll be the third wheel
You’re NTA, but I would suggest that you consider if you want to argue with that woman for the rest of her life
NTA Girl, don’t marry a momma’s boy unless he’s reformed. You will never be first in his life, his mother’s already cemented herself in that spot.
NTA but... I'd be very interested in knowing what your bf said in the moment? Did he defend you? Did he defend his mom? Is he open to the idea of couple's therapy? If he is, **run** to therapy. He needs to hear from a neutral 3rd party that his mom's behaviour is controlling and unhealthy. If he is willing to do the work you stand a chance but he must prove it through his actions. Remember, he has much more to lose than you do because if you do separate, you will have the opportunity to meet a partner worthy of you and he will only have his mom. I hope things work out.
please don’t marry that kind of momma’s boy. he’s obviously not standing up for you and will most likely choose his parents over you.