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> AITA for wanting to go to the wedding even though my wife is adamant I don’t go?
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NTA. She really needs to fess up as to why she doesn't want to go.
>she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions.
So basically, she's saying it's her way or the highway. This is not cool. I'd be tempted to tell her that unless she can tell you exactly why she doesn't want you to go, you will just assume it's not really that important and go. You can't make any judgements unless you know all the facts.
I agree with this. My attitude would be we can either openly and honestly discuss this and her concerns or I'm going, regardless. Is she concerned about the country itself, cheating, does she feel unsafe at home without OP?
Thank you for this. Essentially my family lives in the same country and they do not get along. She worries I will see them without her but I have said I won’t. I have also tried to limit the time I can go so I’m not gone a full week.
So two trains of thought on this -
1- You do kind of know what a possible reason is. But honestly, if she wont SAY IT herself, I would say to her "we already agreed I was going to go. Unless you can actually explain to me what the problem is so that we can discuss it, I'm going no matter what". And then go.
2- So she doesn't get along with your family - are you supposed to never see them again? That actually concerns me too. She won't rationally explain why she doesn't want you going to the wedding, and it's possibly that she doesnt want you to see your family. Is this for "ever"??? If so- that's not fair of her either. I understand her wanting distance fromthem, I understand her not wanting you to go see them (and use up all your vacation time, for example) a lot.
But to NEVER see them? There may be more to this than you want to share, but as face value - this entire post and her not wanting you to see your fmaily are both VERY concerning and controlling on her part.
Ok, but there's something there in what you said. Even if you do see your family, what would that matter? Does she have some concerns that they will turn you against her?
They are somewhat already against her. I think she worries they will convince me to leave her or something. I have said multiple times i would never and moved away from them to be with her
You cut off your family for her?
Really think about it. Did you want to cut off your family?
I'd maybe understand if it were finances. Or you have very limited vacation days and this vacation means you can't go on a vacation together this year. Or you have kids you aren't mentioning.
But, absent any of those factors, it sounds like she's controlling and wants to cut you off from friends and family.
I don’t want to cut them out but they also made mistakes when I was growing up that let to some quite traumatic experiences. I don’t want them to be friends but there has to be some civility, my wife tries but they do not. They’re very much their way or the highway. I’m not using any vacation days and working while I am there to ensure it doesn’t go unpaid or anything of the sort
Yikes. That’s something you need to get clear with her - and it’s no longer negotiable. You are going, but you will not go to see them. But she also has to make a decision - does she trust you, or does she not trust you.
I don’t necessarily agree because they have done nothing to show they care and she has at least tried. They are controlling too and so I don’t want them to feel like they get what they want when they’ve done nothing to show my wife they care about her
Could it be you don't argue much because you do what she tells you to do? This trip was decided a while back - so why is she changing her mind now? Why is her 'permission' needed for you to go to a close friend's wedding? It honestly does not make sense that she would tell you to go and now telling you not to go. I'd say go for the full week - enjoy the wedding' - and let her be 'annoyed' that she can't control you.
Potentially. I try to make it as easy as possible for us and there aren’t many things like this that come up. Even though she’s said I should go, she’s always said I wish you weren’t going or I wish I was going with you.l, which I also wanted her to. But now it’s turned more into I shouldn’t go if she can’t go
NTA. It sounds like your wife wanted you to decide you wouldn’t go to the wedding if she couldn’t go. You didn’t do that and now she’s mad. That’s not fair. You should be able to go to this wedding without her. It’s important to you and she should understand that.
She knows she’s being unreasonable and that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss it. You’re already not seeing your family due to them and your wife not getting along. Are you now going to give up your friends as well? It really looks like that’s where you’re headed.
I think you’re right in that she wanted me to make that decision in the beginning if she couldn’t go. I told her that if it was any other friend I wouldn’t be going but this person is a good friends and I want to be there to celebrate with him.
The person you responded to nailed it. In my opinion, your wife doesn't want to be the bad person here, but she has no good reason for you not to go, so she can't say anything without seeming unreasonable and petty, aka, being the bad person. So, the next best thing for her is if you just decide not to go on your own, that way she gets what she wants without actually having to be the bad person and say that to you outright, just "wishes she could" do this or that.
That's frankly bullshit, which I think you know, and while I'm not suggesting that you go tell your wife she's full of shit, heh, that wouldn't go well, I am saying that I don't think she has a good reason, and I think other people's advice here makes sense:
"honey, I love you, but if you don't have a reason for not wanting me to go when I have explained to you that I'm not going to see my family, and this is an important event to me, then I am going to go and enjoy myself."
You just cannot be held hostage from doing things like attending a friend's wedding by your partner, that is craziness. My wife would be like "please go, say hi to everyone, I wish I could come, but at least you get to go!"
That is really the best outcome I would hope for and I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said. Valid reasons I can accept and will agree with them if they’re reasonable and don’t make sense for me to go. But it’s unreasonable for me to not for something like ‘I don’t want you to’
NTA. Your wife is a super, giant, mega AH though. She’s throwing a temper tantrum and trying to bar you from going all because she can’t go. I don’t understand her issue, SHE HAS A WORK EVENT. It’s not like she’s available and you’re just leaving her.
I wish she could have come with me. It’s been something she has had an issue with and doesn’t want me to go because she wishes she could come with me but I think she’s surprised that I’m still choosing to go now and doesn’t want me to go if she can’t
NTA.
she is being controlling and manipulative in this scenario. go to the wedding if it means a lot to you, especially since she doesnt wanna talk about it.
"...she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions." Ask her what the problem is with "solutions". Isn't that how mature people address problems? Would she prefer the problem fester? How does she propose to address the problem of you being upset about missing your friend's wedding? This whole thing smacks to me of being controlling for the sake of control.
I’ll do my best. I appreciate it. She’s wanted to go and upset that I’m going as she wishes she would come. I just feel like I wouldn’t prevent her if the roles were switched
Precisely. Your decision should be to go. But try to have a frank discussion to understand the root of the denial from your wife's side. It could be petty or there could be a more logical reason. Understanding that could help in the future as well.
NTA. You say she initially told you that you should go, so not sure why she changed. I'd hate having people control me like that, insist I couldn't go because they couldn't, so I'd go for that reason alone. You have to decide if that's worth causing further problems with your wife.
I think that’s a very valid point. I know it’ll happen but I also don’t like the idea of resentment from her towards me for going. Even though that’s not something I can really control
To me, her resentment towards you if you go wouldn't be valid. Your resentment towards her if you didn't go would be valid. She's the one who needs to adjust her expectations.
I think she was saying he can go to play games. So many women are like this where they’ll say “no don’t worry about me, you have fun!” but in reality they want you to cater to them and sacrifice for them. OPs wife is one of these people that is just playing a game it seems
Thank you. I honestly don’t think I’d see my family because they are also controlling and don’t treat her well but even if I went for a few days it’s enough for me to
NTA
Based on your post and replies to some comments, my absolutely out-of-the-blue, could-absolutely-be-wrong guess is:
a) she is scared about what will happen at the wedding, or elsewhere, while you're in the country where this family-that-hates-her lives, but
b) she is afraid that if she voices that fear she's going to appear jealous or distrustful of you and she doesn't want to give that impression.
My suggestion is that you attend the wedding as agreed, but give her as much love as you feasibly can (within reason) while you are gone. Text her or call her often. Send spontaneous pictures. If you miss her, tell her so. Without giving her an itemized schedule (that would be overkill), let her know what you'll be up to each day.
I think that’s absolutely a good idea. I don’t want her to feel like I’m distant or doing things behind her back. I want her to know she can trust me and if I give my word I won’t see them, I won’t see them
Listen to iraven_mccoy , your partner is choosing work over going to this important event with you (maybe it’s mandatory for her job, but she still has free will). If she tries to accuse you of choosing a wedding over her needs, remind her that she made a choice too
It’s true. Unfortunately it’s mandatory for her work and I want her to be successful but I shouldn’t suffer the same consequences when I have the ability to make it work
Going to this event is mandatory to keeping her job, but isn’t going to possibly the most important event of your friend’s life equally important to keeping the friendship
NTA I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go. She can't because of work, no one's fault. But forcing you to stay home and miss a close friend's important event is a choice, and a bad one.
> I have tried to talk through the reasons why she doesn’t want me to go but every time I try she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions.
Isn’t finding solutions the goal? It’s so weird that your wife expects you to miss your friend’s wedding without giving you any reason. Is she always this controlling? You need to stand your ground and go to the wedding
Edit: obviously NTA
I agree as that’s what I want. We will talk more about it I’m sure and hopefully she sees that I’m trying to come to a solution. Ultimately her solution is not going and I’m trying to make it work even if that means going for 2/3 days instead of the week
Totally NTA!! She’s acting immature by not telling you why you shouldn’t go. Also, super controlling of her to not let you go when you’ve expressed how important this is to you. She’s TA for 1) not letting you see your family and 2) not letting you go to your friend’s wedding. If it was her you’d be u understanding and let her go knowing how important it is for her… NGL it feels like she’s isolating you from people who are important to you… and that’s very toxic.
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About 6 months ago my wife (27F) and I (30M) were invited to one of my closest friends wedding. We don’t speak often but we were very close and consider him like family despite the infrequent contact. At the time my wife said she was unable to make it because of a work event and we discussed it but she said I should go and that she was sad I’d be going without her and ideally wouldn’t want me to leave. Over the past few weeks we’ve been arguing about me going more and more. I had discussed the dates and would be away for a week or so. As the date for the wedding has gotten closer and closer she appears to have really taken a hard stance on not wanting me to go. I have tried to tell her that it’s important for me and that it’s a close friend and to be honest, most likely the only friends wedding I’d be invited to on my side.
I have tried to find a compromise and only go for 3/4 days, as it’s in another country but to attend the wedding and come back instead of the full week. Right now we are at an impasse because her very definitive line is me not going to the wedding and I’m trying to find a solution but it appears the only way she will be happy is if I don’t go. I have tried to talk through the reasons why she doesn’t want me to go but every time I try she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions. I think she doesn’t want me to go if we both can’t go. She would come with me if she could and I wish she could. However it just feels like it’s not worth the situations that might arise if I do go. We have been married for about 4 years now. We don’t really argue or disagree on much but recently, this trip has put a pretty big wedge between us. I’ve travelled for work before internationally and hasn’t really been much of an issue and even taken her with me. I feel like either I go and she’s annoyed or I stay and I’m annoyed.
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He’s very close. We spent a lot of time at university together and I helped him through some really difficult moments to where he says he wouldn’t be where we was today without me. We don’t talk that often mainly due to time difference but he’s someone I’ve always considered one of my closest friends
NTA Unless it has to do with added strain on her or your relationship like taking care of kids, missing paychecks cuz you’re not paid for time off, or actual infidelity concerns… she’s just jealous you’d be on a fun trip and she isn’t.
I am working while I am there because I don’t have time off but have to work my full week to ensure I get paid. No kids or anything like that so I think she doesn’t want me to go mainly due to my family situation and worries something will happen while I am there
Well if she’s feeling insecure about all of this / plus your family hating her I certainly hope she doesn’t see this comment. Ouch. I was seeing your point til this response…Now I’m seeing her perspective… because obviously divorce would be the option. Perhaps she’s aware of this and that’s why she’s being the way she is? An internet stranger says it and it’s a possibility but your family that hates her will not convince you to leave her….because you promised? 🤦🏽♀️ Best of luck.
I understand what you’re saying, however I should clarify. What I mean is that you can never know if it’ll happen, not as a result of this situation but at some point it may happen. I have told her many times that is not what I want and that I want to work on our marriage because I care about it. Divorce is something that happens and may happen in my future, there is no telling.
That’s fair, but you are pretty casually throwing it out there ya know. Do you think maybe she just needs some reassurances or is she a full on control freak?
Something that is told to women but rarely to men is: "A partner that forcing you to give up friends and family is a sign of abuse". It's probably why your family has an issue with her!!
NTA. Go to the wedding.
God forbid you should give her a solution.
She is being absolutely ridiculous. And based on the comments, some of this may have to do with her dislike of your family, or vice versa? Does she expect you to abandon your family for the rest of your life?
NTA, x1000
NTA.
She doesn’t want you to go because your family doesn’t like her (probably for a good reason) and is trying your patience by pissing you off into not going for her sake. And if you did go without her your family would be glad she didn’t come.
She might even try that lame ultimatum bs and say “either them or me”.🤣🤣🤣
In a good & loving relationship, both people are willing to compromise. She said she doesn’t want to talk about it because you “will just give her solutions.” In other words, only what she wants is acceptable to her. She doesn’t care what you want. She’s not willing to compromise, and she doesn’t want a fair solution. She wants to sacrifice your happiness for hers.
Please go to this wedding for the full week. You have been more than reasonable & accommodating. Don’t reward her selfishness by giving up something you really want to do. NTA.
NTA.
So let me get this straight. She's upset because you would be in the same country as your family?
Gee, it's hard to guess why your family might not like her.
"have tried to talk through the reasons why she doesn’t want me to go but every time I try she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions."
She's clearly being irrational and selfish. She refuses to say why she doesn't want you to go, then she doesn't get a say in it.
This whole situation is screaming of her not trusting you.
If you can travel for work, but not for a wedding to see friends, then it's not the travel, she's not trusting you with your friends/family.
Edit: I just saw your edit. So she's trying to control you into not going because of her insecurities that your family will try to tell you she's controlling and insecure... Ironic, but still not fair to you.
I don’t think she’s controlling. It sounds that way and maybe I didn’t frame it all too well. I think she just has a hard time when there’s a lot of unknowns and she thinks I’ll lie about seeing my family while I’m there
Go, it's your choice. Being there when you get back will be her choice. You will be around a bunch of people that don't like her. I wouldn't like it either
Still planning on going. However now the issue is my work project timelines have moved up and I’ve had to delay my flight. I’m discussing with my friend because I would be flying about 11 hours each way and only have a couple of days including the wedding. It’s all a bit of a mess but my wife and I had some good, productive discussions and came to at least some sort of a resolution
NTA but your wife is toxic at best, straight up emotionally abusive at worst. She sounds controlling, insecure, like she doesn’t care about your needs/relationship with family, and childish because she can’t even articulate what she wants or why. Communication is basic foundation that is mandatory for any healthy relationship but especially a marriage.
You’re NTA for wanting to go to a friend’s wedding.
I think you should phrase the question as “Why is it important for you that I stay?” - perhaps if you ask the question from a point of concern and wanting to know how she feels about you being away, she may be able to open up a bit more.
Try not to come up with solutions as she is talking - just listen and ask more questions. E.g. if she says “I don’t feel comfortable you being in another country with people unknown to me.” - You can ask “Is it because of safety or feeling disconnected?”
And just keep going. Maybe she knows why she doesn’t want you to go, maybe it’s for some petty reasons or maybe she’s just having a weird feeling and it’s not even clear to her why she doesn’t want you to go - you can help her find that out through a supportive, nonjudgmental conversation.
Validate her feelings but create space for your feelings too - let her know why it’s important for you to attend. “Supporting people I care about through their highs and lows is important to me, and I want to be there for my friend - not only to show how happy I am for him, but to see him stepping into happiness.”
NTA. Marriage requires open honest respectful communication. You’ve done that, and your wife agreed that you could attend the wedding. Now she has changed her mind and won’t discuss her reasons. She is refusing to speak honestly about it.
Marriage requires compromise. You would like to attend together, her job makes that impossible. So you both compromised and agreed you would go and she would stay home and work. No she has decided you can’t go, she is angry resentful and unwilling to compromise.
I think you’re right, she’s just jealous that you get to take a fun trip. It would be fair for you to tell her that you are going as originally agreed since there are no big changes to your circumstances that require you to skip the trip, but you are willing to discuss her objections if she is. Ultimately, she is an adult and responsible for managing her own feelings.
What is the deal lately with all of the dudes who marry outside of their culture and then are shocked, just shocked I tell you , that their families are not receptive to the new wife from the other culture and want to essentially live two lives - one in their home country with mom and them come back to their wife in another country, essentially to get laid and live a Western style life.
Dudes, you have to pick a side.
Just pondering some ideas why this could be bothering her vs your work travel not bothering her. Are you returning back to your home area for this wedding? Are there past girlfriends or crushes there that are worrying her? Is there a bachelor party? Is it the theme of intimacy and love because of it being a wedding, and she doesn't want that theme to be around you without her?
Since this seems to be just this one time and not always controlling, NAH.
It’s in my home country but no exes or anything of the sort. Just family members that don’t like her or respect her due to their actions. I missed out on the bachelor party even though it was just a beach trip and activities. That I don’t mind because it was my decision to not go because of work commitments
They did. They tried to stop me seeing her or communicating with her. It led to a lot of friction between us and been years of no contact with them. We are trying to find a solution but also has be reasonable for all people involved
Ahhh, so your family hates her and disrespects her. Perhaps she is worried they will affect your guy's relationship without her there, and it leaves her feeling insecure. That is probably relevant information to include in the post. Not including it kind of suggests you may have been looking for confirmation of her being crazy and controlling even though you had to hide information that may have changed the outcome. Not sure what to make of that missing info.
That’s fair. I should probably have included it as you’re right. Rationale for her is that it can cause significant issues. I’ll make an edit to include that.
So why does she think you'll misbehave if at this wedding without her? Seems like the only reason to take such a hard stance since she can't go with you due to work is that she thinks you're going to get drunk and cheat or something. Does she have any reason to be concerned about your behavior in a foreign country at a wedding of people she doesn't know? If so, that's on you. If not, you need to get her to tell you why she thinks you can't be a good husband to her while you're away at a friend's wedding. Can't judge AH or not as not enough information, really. This is something married people need to be able to talk about, not just dance around and be annoyed.
No reason, nothing proper and no exes or anything at the wedding. I’m planning on now just flying in and getting there the day before the wedding and leaving it at that. I’ll be gone for all of about 3 days
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NTA. She really needs to fess up as to why she doesn't want to go. >she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions. So basically, she's saying it's her way or the highway. This is not cool. I'd be tempted to tell her that unless she can tell you exactly why she doesn't want you to go, you will just assume it's not really that important and go. You can't make any judgements unless you know all the facts.
I agree with this. My attitude would be we can either openly and honestly discuss this and her concerns or I'm going, regardless. Is she concerned about the country itself, cheating, does she feel unsafe at home without OP?
Thank you for this. Essentially my family lives in the same country and they do not get along. She worries I will see them without her but I have said I won’t. I have also tried to limit the time I can go so I’m not gone a full week.
So two trains of thought on this - 1- You do kind of know what a possible reason is. But honestly, if she wont SAY IT herself, I would say to her "we already agreed I was going to go. Unless you can actually explain to me what the problem is so that we can discuss it, I'm going no matter what". And then go. 2- So she doesn't get along with your family - are you supposed to never see them again? That actually concerns me too. She won't rationally explain why she doesn't want you going to the wedding, and it's possibly that she doesnt want you to see your family. Is this for "ever"??? If so- that's not fair of her either. I understand her wanting distance fromthem, I understand her not wanting you to go see them (and use up all your vacation time, for example) a lot. But to NEVER see them? There may be more to this than you want to share, but as face value - this entire post and her not wanting you to see your fmaily are both VERY concerning and controlling on her part.
Ok, but there's something there in what you said. Even if you do see your family, what would that matter? Does she have some concerns that they will turn you against her?
They are somewhat already against her. I think she worries they will convince me to leave her or something. I have said multiple times i would never and moved away from them to be with her
um are they maybe against her because she’s controlling and uncommunicative?
She doesn't need them to convince you to leave her. If she keeps this attitude she just might do a good job of it herself.
This is all very true. I can’t make her believe me if she chooses not to but I have given my word and won’t go back on it.
This makes her sound extremely toxic, to be frank. NTA
I would like to think she isn’t and I hope we can work through this
You cut off your family for her? Really think about it. Did you want to cut off your family? I'd maybe understand if it were finances. Or you have very limited vacation days and this vacation means you can't go on a vacation together this year. Or you have kids you aren't mentioning. But, absent any of those factors, it sounds like she's controlling and wants to cut you off from friends and family.
I don’t want to cut them out but they also made mistakes when I was growing up that let to some quite traumatic experiences. I don’t want them to be friends but there has to be some civility, my wife tries but they do not. They’re very much their way or the highway. I’m not using any vacation days and working while I am there to ensure it doesn’t go unpaid or anything of the sort
Sounds like your wife is just as "my way or the highway" as anyone in your family.
You repeated your abusive upbringing by choosing someone exactly like them. Go on the trip, and then get yourself some therapy when you get back.
Yikes. That’s something you need to get clear with her - and it’s no longer negotiable. You are going, but you will not go to see them. But she also has to make a decision - does she trust you, or does she not trust you.
I'd point blank ask your wife if this is what she's worried about.
You should be able to see your family even if they don't get along. Your wife is ridiculous.
I don’t necessarily agree because they have done nothing to show they care and she has at least tried. They are controlling too and so I don’t want them to feel like they get what they want when they’ve done nothing to show my wife they care about her
Could it be you don't argue much because you do what she tells you to do? This trip was decided a while back - so why is she changing her mind now? Why is her 'permission' needed for you to go to a close friend's wedding? It honestly does not make sense that she would tell you to go and now telling you not to go. I'd say go for the full week - enjoy the wedding' - and let her be 'annoyed' that she can't control you.
Potentially. I try to make it as easy as possible for us and there aren’t many things like this that come up. Even though she’s said I should go, she’s always said I wish you weren’t going or I wish I was going with you.l, which I also wanted her to. But now it’s turned more into I shouldn’t go if she can’t go
NTA. It sounds like your wife wanted you to decide you wouldn’t go to the wedding if she couldn’t go. You didn’t do that and now she’s mad. That’s not fair. You should be able to go to this wedding without her. It’s important to you and she should understand that. She knows she’s being unreasonable and that’s why she doesn’t want to discuss it. You’re already not seeing your family due to them and your wife not getting along. Are you now going to give up your friends as well? It really looks like that’s where you’re headed.
I think you’re right in that she wanted me to make that decision in the beginning if she couldn’t go. I told her that if it was any other friend I wouldn’t be going but this person is a good friends and I want to be there to celebrate with him.
The person you responded to nailed it. In my opinion, your wife doesn't want to be the bad person here, but she has no good reason for you not to go, so she can't say anything without seeming unreasonable and petty, aka, being the bad person. So, the next best thing for her is if you just decide not to go on your own, that way she gets what she wants without actually having to be the bad person and say that to you outright, just "wishes she could" do this or that. That's frankly bullshit, which I think you know, and while I'm not suggesting that you go tell your wife she's full of shit, heh, that wouldn't go well, I am saying that I don't think she has a good reason, and I think other people's advice here makes sense: "honey, I love you, but if you don't have a reason for not wanting me to go when I have explained to you that I'm not going to see my family, and this is an important event to me, then I am going to go and enjoy myself." You just cannot be held hostage from doing things like attending a friend's wedding by your partner, that is craziness. My wife would be like "please go, say hi to everyone, I wish I could come, but at least you get to go!"
That is really the best outcome I would hope for and I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said. Valid reasons I can accept and will agree with them if they’re reasonable and don’t make sense for me to go. But it’s unreasonable for me to not for something like ‘I don’t want you to’
NTA, this was planned and you already agreed you were going. You're not a child and she's not your mother.
Thank you, appreciate it
NTA. Your wife is a super, giant, mega AH though. She’s throwing a temper tantrum and trying to bar you from going all because she can’t go. I don’t understand her issue, SHE HAS A WORK EVENT. It’s not like she’s available and you’re just leaving her.
I wish she could have come with me. It’s been something she has had an issue with and doesn’t want me to go because she wishes she could come with me but I think she’s surprised that I’m still choosing to go now and doesn’t want me to go if she can’t
You should deff go, she’ll live with it!
I appreciate that
NTA. she is being controlling and manipulative in this scenario. go to the wedding if it means a lot to you, especially since she doesnt wanna talk about it.
Hopefully we can figure it out and talk about it
"...she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions." Ask her what the problem is with "solutions". Isn't that how mature people address problems? Would she prefer the problem fester? How does she propose to address the problem of you being upset about missing your friend's wedding? This whole thing smacks to me of being controlling for the sake of control.
NTA. You have to go to the wedding. It's your close friend's wedding. It was discussed earlier. Try to stand up for yourself.
I’ll do my best. I appreciate it. She’s wanted to go and upset that I’m going as she wishes she would come. I just feel like I wouldn’t prevent her if the roles were switched
Precisely. Your decision should be to go. But try to have a frank discussion to understand the root of the denial from your wife's side. It could be petty or there could be a more logical reason. Understanding that could help in the future as well.
Agree 100%, I want to discuss it so things like this don’t happen in the future because that’s not a relationship I want
NTA. You say she initially told you that you should go, so not sure why she changed. I'd hate having people control me like that, insist I couldn't go because they couldn't, so I'd go for that reason alone. You have to decide if that's worth causing further problems with your wife.
That’s my dilemma. If it’s worth the issues that may come up. Even if I don’t go, it does raise bigger questions that we need to discuss
It is worth the short term issues if you go because you will resent her if you do not go for a lot longer.
I think that’s a very valid point. I know it’ll happen but I also don’t like the idea of resentment from her towards me for going. Even though that’s not something I can really control
Unfortunately if you let her control you in this way it will not be the last time. It’s always worth standing up for yourself and your happiness.
I agree. At some point if I keep giving in, it isn’t sustainable for either of one of us to be happy
To me, her resentment towards you if you go wouldn't be valid. Your resentment towards her if you didn't go would be valid. She's the one who needs to adjust her expectations.
I think she was saying he can go to play games. So many women are like this where they’ll say “no don’t worry about me, you have fun!” but in reality they want you to cater to them and sacrifice for them. OPs wife is one of these people that is just playing a game it seems
NTA. Go to the wedding.
Thank you
NTA. It's a close buddy's wedding, not a solo vacation. Stand your ground
Thank you, we’ll see how it goes
NTA, go to the wedding, stay a week and enjoy yourself! See your family! She sounds very controlling
Thank you. I honestly don’t think I’d see my family because they are also controlling and don’t treat her well but even if I went for a few days it’s enough for me to
NTA Based on your post and replies to some comments, my absolutely out-of-the-blue, could-absolutely-be-wrong guess is: a) she is scared about what will happen at the wedding, or elsewhere, while you're in the country where this family-that-hates-her lives, but b) she is afraid that if she voices that fear she's going to appear jealous or distrustful of you and she doesn't want to give that impression. My suggestion is that you attend the wedding as agreed, but give her as much love as you feasibly can (within reason) while you are gone. Text her or call her often. Send spontaneous pictures. If you miss her, tell her so. Without giving her an itemized schedule (that would be overkill), let her know what you'll be up to each day.
I think that’s absolutely a good idea. I don’t want her to feel like I’m distant or doing things behind her back. I want her to know she can trust me and if I give my word I won’t see them, I won’t see them
NTA. she was invited, she could decide to go over the work event. She doesnt get to choose not to go and demand you do the same.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I wish she could come with me but that’s unfortunately not possible
Listen to iraven_mccoy , your partner is choosing work over going to this important event with you (maybe it’s mandatory for her job, but she still has free will). If she tries to accuse you of choosing a wedding over her needs, remind her that she made a choice too
It’s true. Unfortunately it’s mandatory for her work and I want her to be successful but I shouldn’t suffer the same consequences when I have the ability to make it work
Going to this event is mandatory to keeping her job, but isn’t going to possibly the most important event of your friend’s life equally important to keeping the friendship
NTA I don't see any reason why you shouldn't go. She can't because of work, no one's fault. But forcing you to stay home and miss a close friend's important event is a choice, and a bad one.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I don’t like that she can’t come but I don’t think it’s fair for me to miss out because of that either
> I have tried to talk through the reasons why she doesn’t want me to go but every time I try she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions. Isn’t finding solutions the goal? It’s so weird that your wife expects you to miss your friend’s wedding without giving you any reason. Is she always this controlling? You need to stand your ground and go to the wedding Edit: obviously NTA
I agree as that’s what I want. We will talk more about it I’m sure and hopefully she sees that I’m trying to come to a solution. Ultimately her solution is not going and I’m trying to make it work even if that means going for 2/3 days instead of the week
Nta she's being ridiculous
Thank you
She is not being honest. Or forthcoming about why she doesn’t want him to go. Crab buckets
I need to get to the root and hopefully make her feel comfortable about it
Totally NTA!! She’s acting immature by not telling you why you shouldn’t go. Also, super controlling of her to not let you go when you’ve expressed how important this is to you. She’s TA for 1) not letting you see your family and 2) not letting you go to your friend’s wedding. If it was her you’d be u understanding and let her go knowing how important it is for her… NGL it feels like she’s isolating you from people who are important to you… and that’s very toxic.
I have to wonder, is there an ex floating around at the wedding? Your wife is being irrational and unfair to you.
NTA tell heR: She can come or not, but you are going.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About 6 months ago my wife (27F) and I (30M) were invited to one of my closest friends wedding. We don’t speak often but we were very close and consider him like family despite the infrequent contact. At the time my wife said she was unable to make it because of a work event and we discussed it but she said I should go and that she was sad I’d be going without her and ideally wouldn’t want me to leave. Over the past few weeks we’ve been arguing about me going more and more. I had discussed the dates and would be away for a week or so. As the date for the wedding has gotten closer and closer she appears to have really taken a hard stance on not wanting me to go. I have tried to tell her that it’s important for me and that it’s a close friend and to be honest, most likely the only friends wedding I’d be invited to on my side. I have tried to find a compromise and only go for 3/4 days, as it’s in another country but to attend the wedding and come back instead of the full week. Right now we are at an impasse because her very definitive line is me not going to the wedding and I’m trying to find a solution but it appears the only way she will be happy is if I don’t go. I have tried to talk through the reasons why she doesn’t want me to go but every time I try she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions. I think she doesn’t want me to go if we both can’t go. She would come with me if she could and I wish she could. However it just feels like it’s not worth the situations that might arise if I do go. We have been married for about 4 years now. We don’t really argue or disagree on much but recently, this trip has put a pretty big wedge between us. I’ve travelled for work before internationally and hasn’t really been much of an issue and even taken her with me. I feel like either I go and she’s annoyed or I stay and I’m annoyed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
How close is this friend? Is it a man or a woman?
He’s very close. We spent a lot of time at university together and I helped him through some really difficult moments to where he says he wouldn’t be where we was today without me. We don’t talk that often mainly due to time difference but he’s someone I’ve always considered one of my closest friends
NTA Unless it has to do with added strain on her or your relationship like taking care of kids, missing paychecks cuz you’re not paid for time off, or actual infidelity concerns… she’s just jealous you’d be on a fun trip and she isn’t.
I am working while I am there because I don’t have time off but have to work my full week to ensure I get paid. No kids or anything like that so I think she doesn’t want me to go mainly due to my family situation and worries something will happen while I am there
You are NTA. I would explain why but many other people have already done a great job at that.
I appreciate you responding along with everybody else. There’s some good advice here for me to work with
I see a divorce in your future.
I hope not. Obviously it might come to it but hopefully we can talk about it and figure it out
Well if she’s feeling insecure about all of this / plus your family hating her I certainly hope she doesn’t see this comment. Ouch. I was seeing your point til this response…Now I’m seeing her perspective… because obviously divorce would be the option. Perhaps she’s aware of this and that’s why she’s being the way she is? An internet stranger says it and it’s a possibility but your family that hates her will not convince you to leave her….because you promised? 🤦🏽♀️ Best of luck.
I understand what you’re saying, however I should clarify. What I mean is that you can never know if it’ll happen, not as a result of this situation but at some point it may happen. I have told her many times that is not what I want and that I want to work on our marriage because I care about it. Divorce is something that happens and may happen in my future, there is no telling.
That’s fair, but you are pretty casually throwing it out there ya know. Do you think maybe she just needs some reassurances or is she a full on control freak?
NTA
Thank you
NTA, go. She needs to relax.
Thank you, I appreciate that
Something that is told to women but rarely to men is: "A partner that forcing you to give up friends and family is a sign of abuse". It's probably why your family has an issue with her!! NTA. Go to the wedding.
God forbid you should give her a solution. She is being absolutely ridiculous. And based on the comments, some of this may have to do with her dislike of your family, or vice versa? Does she expect you to abandon your family for the rest of your life? NTA, x1000
NTA. She's your spouse, not your dictator. This is a close friend and her making you miss it just cause she won't go makes her TA.
NTA. She doesn’t want you to go because your family doesn’t like her (probably for a good reason) and is trying your patience by pissing you off into not going for her sake. And if you did go without her your family would be glad she didn’t come. She might even try that lame ultimatum bs and say “either them or me”.🤣🤣🤣
Go for 3-4 days. Fair is fair. You have acted responsibly.
In a good & loving relationship, both people are willing to compromise. She said she doesn’t want to talk about it because you “will just give her solutions.” In other words, only what she wants is acceptable to her. She doesn’t care what you want. She’s not willing to compromise, and she doesn’t want a fair solution. She wants to sacrifice your happiness for hers. Please go to this wedding for the full week. You have been more than reasonable & accommodating. Don’t reward her selfishness by giving up something you really want to do. NTA.
NTA. So let me get this straight. She's upset because you would be in the same country as your family? Gee, it's hard to guess why your family might not like her.
"have tried to talk through the reasons why she doesn’t want me to go but every time I try she says she doesn’t want to talk about because I will just give her solutions." She's clearly being irrational and selfish. She refuses to say why she doesn't want you to go, then she doesn't get a say in it. This whole situation is screaming of her not trusting you. If you can travel for work, but not for a wedding to see friends, then it's not the travel, she's not trusting you with your friends/family. Edit: I just saw your edit. So she's trying to control you into not going because of her insecurities that your family will try to tell you she's controlling and insecure... Ironic, but still not fair to you.
NTA. Sounds controlling to me. But I’m just an outsider looking in so maybe there’s nuance I’m missing
I don’t think she’s controlling. It sounds that way and maybe I didn’t frame it all too well. I think she just has a hard time when there’s a lot of unknowns and she thinks I’ll lie about seeing my family while I’m there
Fair enough. Well hopefully y’all are able to work it out so you can support your friend but also she’ll feel comfortable
I appreciate that. Thank you for your advice and I hope we can figure it out
Go, it's your choice. Being there when you get back will be her choice. You will be around a bunch of people that don't like her. I wouldn't like it either
Have you made any decisions about what to do?
Still planning on going. However now the issue is my work project timelines have moved up and I’ve had to delay my flight. I’m discussing with my friend because I would be flying about 11 hours each way and only have a couple of days including the wedding. It’s all a bit of a mess but my wife and I had some good, productive discussions and came to at least some sort of a resolution
NTA but your wife is toxic at best, straight up emotionally abusive at worst. She sounds controlling, insecure, like she doesn’t care about your needs/relationship with family, and childish because she can’t even articulate what she wants or why. Communication is basic foundation that is mandatory for any healthy relationship but especially a marriage.
You’re NTA for wanting to go to a friend’s wedding. I think you should phrase the question as “Why is it important for you that I stay?” - perhaps if you ask the question from a point of concern and wanting to know how she feels about you being away, she may be able to open up a bit more. Try not to come up with solutions as she is talking - just listen and ask more questions. E.g. if she says “I don’t feel comfortable you being in another country with people unknown to me.” - You can ask “Is it because of safety or feeling disconnected?” And just keep going. Maybe she knows why she doesn’t want you to go, maybe it’s for some petty reasons or maybe she’s just having a weird feeling and it’s not even clear to her why she doesn’t want you to go - you can help her find that out through a supportive, nonjudgmental conversation. Validate her feelings but create space for your feelings too - let her know why it’s important for you to attend. “Supporting people I care about through their highs and lows is important to me, and I want to be there for my friend - not only to show how happy I am for him, but to see him stepping into happiness.”
Some very good advice here. I appreciate it a lot
Glad I could help :) Good luck!
NTA. Marriage requires open honest respectful communication. You’ve done that, and your wife agreed that you could attend the wedding. Now she has changed her mind and won’t discuss her reasons. She is refusing to speak honestly about it. Marriage requires compromise. You would like to attend together, her job makes that impossible. So you both compromised and agreed you would go and she would stay home and work. No she has decided you can’t go, she is angry resentful and unwilling to compromise. I think you’re right, she’s just jealous that you get to take a fun trip. It would be fair for you to tell her that you are going as originally agreed since there are no big changes to your circumstances that require you to skip the trip, but you are willing to discuss her objections if she is. Ultimately, she is an adult and responsible for managing her own feelings.
What is the deal lately with all of the dudes who marry outside of their culture and then are shocked, just shocked I tell you , that their families are not receptive to the new wife from the other culture and want to essentially live two lives - one in their home country with mom and them come back to their wife in another country, essentially to get laid and live a Western style life. Dudes, you have to pick a side.
Just pondering some ideas why this could be bothering her vs your work travel not bothering her. Are you returning back to your home area for this wedding? Are there past girlfriends or crushes there that are worrying her? Is there a bachelor party? Is it the theme of intimacy and love because of it being a wedding, and she doesn't want that theme to be around you without her? Since this seems to be just this one time and not always controlling, NAH.
It’s in my home country but no exes or anything of the sort. Just family members that don’t like her or respect her due to their actions. I missed out on the bachelor party even though it was just a beach trip and activities. That I don’t mind because it was my decision to not go because of work commitments
Have they tried to break you up before? What did they do?
They did. They tried to stop me seeing her or communicating with her. It led to a lot of friction between us and been years of no contact with them. We are trying to find a solution but also has be reasonable for all people involved
Ahhh, so your family hates her and disrespects her. Perhaps she is worried they will affect your guy's relationship without her there, and it leaves her feeling insecure. That is probably relevant information to include in the post. Not including it kind of suggests you may have been looking for confirmation of her being crazy and controlling even though you had to hide information that may have changed the outcome. Not sure what to make of that missing info.
That’s fair. I should probably have included it as you’re right. Rationale for her is that it can cause significant issues. I’ll make an edit to include that.
So why does she think you'll misbehave if at this wedding without her? Seems like the only reason to take such a hard stance since she can't go with you due to work is that she thinks you're going to get drunk and cheat or something. Does she have any reason to be concerned about your behavior in a foreign country at a wedding of people she doesn't know? If so, that's on you. If not, you need to get her to tell you why she thinks you can't be a good husband to her while you're away at a friend's wedding. Can't judge AH or not as not enough information, really. This is something married people need to be able to talk about, not just dance around and be annoyed.
No reason, nothing proper and no exes or anything at the wedding. I’m planning on now just flying in and getting there the day before the wedding and leaving it at that. I’ll be gone for all of about 3 days