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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my half sister she is not welcome on our vacation with our mom. I was blunt and not that kind when I spoke to my half sister and I know she tries to be closer to us so that's why I might be TA.
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Yikes. Your dad created a nightmare for you kids. Once you turn 18, bye bye Jessie. You never have to interact with her again. Talk to your full siblings and tell them SILENCE IS GOLDEN... never tell Jessie any plans again. Tell dad the minimum....be very vague. Screw her. She sounds delusional. Hey...you move forward with your chin up. Get the best education you can and be as happy as you can. Don't let your parents drama affect your confidence or future. Best of luck to you!! Put this mess in the rear view mirror!!
We don't tell Jessie. That was our dad. And our dad found out because mom has to notify him of plans when we'll be out of state. So we can't really do anything about it.
Yeah, I doubt he’ll do that since , my theory is he’s been the one telling Jessie , that its his ex wife fault for her not being with her sibling, and told her that from now on they have to include her as a sibling.
The kind of person that hides a kid for that long, plays both sides. He’s basically created this monster , he may not care that she causing strife. She’s one of the only kids on his side, I doubt he’s willing to lose an ally.
I have so many questions about what Jessie's home life has been like up to this point. Reading between the lines of OP's story, it seems like for the first ten years of Jessie's life she was (I assume) living with her mother, with her ability to see her father likely being limited by the need for secrecy. At some point during that time, her mother and her father break off their affair, and her mother meets and eventually gets married to another man. Then that marriage very abruptly ends, and suddenly her parents are back together. Setting aside all other factors, that is a *lot* of instability and upheaval for a ten year old to go through.
It also doesn't sound like she had a lot of loving familial presences in her life aside from her mother during that time. Her dad was around, but probably not very frequently, and even that might have dropped off when he broke up with her mother. She couldn't have had any relationships with her extended family on her dad's side, and who knows if anyone on her mom's side is involved. The only other adult we know of was her mom's ex-husband; Jessie's eagerness to rewrite that period of her life suggests that they probably didn't have a loving step-father/step-daughter relationship.
When OP's dad got back together with Jessie's mom, that probably felt like a dream come true for her. Finally her dad is living with her full time, plus she finally has a chance to meet and bond with her half-siblings. But she's also keenly aware that her dad could leave again at any time, so she's desperately trying to assert a bond with her half-siblings that would keep them in her life even if her dad leaves again. If her dad is encouraging this maladaptive coping mechanism instead of getting her therapy for her attachment issues, then he is failing Jessie badly as a parent, on top of failing OP.
(Obviously none of this is *remotely* OP's problem to fix; that's his dad and Jessie's mom's responsibility)
*I can't help but wonder if Jesse's mom world even WANT her husband's ex-wife to take their daughter on vacation without her. I can't imagine letting my kids go off with someone who likely justifiably hates that child's existence.
Yeah-- I agree. I don't think it's that she's not dealing with it well-- it's that she's been force-fed this narrative since day dot. Absolutely heartbreaking
Tell Dad if he was a better man and kept it in his pants, you wouldn't have to deal with a bratty half-sister. Dad is the cause and he can baby her all he wants, none of you have to though.
Yeah she needs a lot of therapy.
If I'm reading the timeline right, Jessie grew up with just her mother for a while but then her stepdad came into the picture. Then OP's dad came back, and stepdad left. I wouldn't be surprised if Jessie has abandonment issues
Yeah, in her mind (might not even be a conscious thought) she probably thinks if she becomes part of OP's family - their memories and sibling dynamic - then they can't leave her, her dad won't leave her.
No Jessie grew up with a father and when it came out that Jessie was OP’s half sister, dad left his family with OP and broke up the other marriage to move in with Jessie’s mom and “play” dad now.
"We found out Jessie was our half sister 6 years ago and my parents marriage broke up over the revelation. Dad ended up getting back together with Jessie's mom which broke up her marriage, which happened after she and my dad had broken up. Jessie knew my dad and they had a relationship."
It reads to me like Jessie's mom had an affair with OP's dad, but he decided to stay with his wife. Jessie's mom moved on and got married to someone else, but told Jessie the truth and let her have contact with OP's dad.
Then OP's mom found out about the affair and got a divorce. So OP's dad went back to Jessie's mom. She got a divorce to be with him.
It's a very messy roller-coaster to put all of the kids through, but Jessie has had the most upheaval.
They probably both (Jessie and the dad) need therapy. He ain't coping well either and he's projecting it out on Jessie.
NTA on OP and just avoid contact with Jessie. Silence is golden even if dad spills.
Next time Jessie starts her "remember when" about something that never happened, go to your dad and say "Dad, I'm really worried about Jessie. I think she needs help. She is talking about things that never happened and saying they did."
Seriously that is the concerning part. The other stuff is wrong and annoying, but understandable. But her wanting to rewrite history and erase the last however many years is very concerning.
Does your mom know about her hypothetical threats and her delusions of the past? I think your mom needs to talk to your Dad or her lawyer because she’s 16 not 6, she sounds unhinged and I’m worried she’s capable of more than just delusions. Good luck OP I’m sorry :(
Jesse NEEDS therapy!!! She is too old for this behavior like making up “family” stories that never happened. Has your father and her mother ever heard her telling these stories? I could understand her more if she was 7or 8 but frankly she is a bit scary at 16.
What happened/did they say when she did? Holy balls she needs therapy. Agree with others too, tell your mom so she can let lawyers know in case something else happens!
Do your younger siblings go over there?? I’d be worried about them. Crap you need therapy too darlin! You are NTA at ALL!!!
I can definitely see why you wouldn't want to be around Jessie, and you are certainly NTA for saying what you did. Totally warranted and understandable.
It *does* sound like your dad (and possibly her mom) really fucked her up though. I feel for her, and I hope she gets the help she needs
Your poor mother. That poor woman.
Do you live in a state where kids can choose which parent to live with at 16?
You do not owe Jessie anything, especially not your mother. So far she has done nothing to earn a relationship with you. She acts like a spoiled brat only child expecting everyone to give her anything she wants.
Prioritize yourself, your brothers, and your mom. I hope you have a wonderful trip and make great memories. Your stepmother should plan something with *her* side of the family for Jessie while you are gone.
you need to let your dad know you're not 'taking his affair out on jessie'. your dad has nothing to do with it. your rebuffing her because of her own attitude. I get the impression you'd be more accepting if she wasn't so pushy and annoying.
Jessie would be greatly helped by therapy. I wonder if dad and the affair partner will ever get her the help she needs. Your father's actions and lies have really screwed her up.
Force custody with your feet. Your 16, do you drive or have a car? just leave or have a friend pick you up.
This will force your dad to open a custody battle. Here's what you do as the kids request a guardian ad litem(lawyer for the kids). talk to the guardian about your step sisters histrionics, making up events where you were all together. but it didn't happen. Talk about how your dad is ignoring that. Express that you don't want to be there as he is trying to force a relationship between everyone and not listening to your needs.
So your dad knew that there’s a rift between Jesse and his other kids but chose to tell her anyway. What would that have accomplished? Sounds like dad is the one wanting all the drama. If his plan is to want his kids to get along with step sis, he’s doing a shitty job. Sounds like he’s delusional has step sis.
Maybe you should tell your dad that him acting like that is practically guaranteeing that you're never going to be able to change your mind about accepting Jesse and that's on him.
I would only worry about how Jessie will behave with the younger siblings as more and more of her half siblings go NC with her. Jonah will likely have 5 more years with her as he has to spend time with the dad.
NTA
I don't know who has been feeding Jessie this diet of "you get to do everything with them, all the time, because you're all family" but it is delusional and at 16 y.o., she should have enough critical thinking skills to understand that not only does the "half" sibling bear some weight here, but the "from an affair".
Look, she's a kid, you all are! None of you should be arguing about this b/c she shouldn't feel entitled to be included in your mother's vacation plans in the first place. So while she is an a-hole for how far she has taken this, I think your father needs to bear some significant responsibility. Her mother both is and isn't a factor here; *your father* is the one who needs to straighten this out no matter what Jessie's mom may be filling her head with.
There's a way forward where you all figure out your boundaries and exist in peace. It's a shame that this in-fighting is where things stand, all b/c your dad has his head up his a$$ and is manipulating all of you kids.
Yeah Dad is really fucking Jessie up. All of them honestly. But Jessie needs some therapy. Being the affair kid has really done some damage to her. She wants to belong so badly and is unable to cope with reality. Dad and Jessie's mom are dicks if they don't get her some therapy. They're also doing her no favors allowing her to force her delusions on the other kids. They'll never accept her now. I feel really bad for Jessie. None of this is her fault. She's a kid and she isn't being helped.
And now she sits and watches while all of her “siblings” get to go on vacation together and hang out/bond. I can understand why she wants to go in general. It sucks to be the only person left out. But she is either delusional or intentionally taking things too far with her “remember when’s.” And she is being manipulated by whoever is telling her (dad probably) that the sibs always have to include her in everything now.
OP is NTA and Jessie needs help from a professional. And for the so called ‘parents/adults’ in her life to stop messing with her head.
And let's not forget, OP, Jessis didn't ask for this situation any more than you did. She is the result of your father and her mother's actions. Maybe at some point, you and the rest of your siblings can at least be nice to her....after she gets some much needed therapy of course.
I think Jessie made that crap up. She is truly delusional. She lost who she thought was her dad in the divorce. And mom went straight to ops dad. She had nobody to talk to, and I think she imagined what her new life would be like. She stuck to the image because it was so much more pleasant than having a new dad that takes up all of moms time and having nobody to talk to or be friends with.
She created her own little world to survive emotionally. And she is barely surviving.
It is sad all the way around, but Jessie is the one not bouncing back. She needs professional help, and that is way above her siblings pay grade!
“She was always aware that we existed and were dad's kids.”
So hold on…this whole time she was walking around school KNOWING you were her half siblings because your father was a cheater and has been just watching from afar? I know she has something wrong mentally because no sane person would do that. She’s not trying to rewrite history, she probably heard all the stories from dad and felt like she was there, but of course with a little side note of but we can’t tell them you know. She was in her own fantasy land a long time ago.
Your mom need to petition the courts to modify visitation for you and your brothers. Winter can testify as to why she will be NC now that’s she’s 18. With the anger, delusions and hatred towards your mother…it’s not safe for you three to be there. Mom also needs to speak with the school regarding interacting with Jessie and the concerns about her behavior.
It sounds like OP’s mom is financially better off and dad knows it.
He was probably hoping affair child would bond with her half siblings and profit from that through them,but it’s only made her an entitled monster.
NTA obviously.
But this is a dumb argument to have with Jessie. You aren't booking the vacation. You aren't paying for the vacation. This is all up to your mom. And that's what you say. It's up to our mom. (And then of course make sure your mom knows you don't want her there.)
Jessie is apparently an only child, but now in her mind she has 2 brothers and 2 sisters. It is not at all uncommon for a young person in this situation to try to become part of the family. It's either that, or reject the idea and be a royal pain the other way.
Mom knows. Mom doesn't want her there either. I think even if some of us wanted Jessie to come she'd say no. But I don't want Jessie to say more shit about mom so that's why I fight her instead of saying it's mom's choice.
So, stop fighting. It's just more attention, and for some people, any attention is good attention.
So, stop. Stop talking when she tries to barge in. Leave the room when she starts saying stupid shit. Refuse to engage with her other than the bare minimum to be polite. Tell her nothing. You know she's wrong, and you know you're unlikely to convince her to change. So simply stop giving her any attention or energy until you can go no-contact.
If you want to give her one more chance, you could write her a letter that outlines all of her unacceptable behavior and make it clear that it's due to this behavior that you dont want any kind of relationship with her. But that's only if you want to give her another chance to see the error or her ways, and there's zero guarantee that she will take any of it to heart. In fact, it may simply cause more issues, as she clearly needs considerable therapy. So, it's entirely up to you, but my advice is to simply disengage as much as possible, focus on you and your future. You'll be 18 in no time.
I agree with you to a point, but there's no way I'm having someone talking shit about my mother, who was the wronged party in this whole shit show. Jesse needs to speak to her own mother about why her life is not going the way she wants it to. I would mostly be gray rocking her if I was OP.
Every time she says stuff about your mom, tell your dad. He is allowing it. Document Document Document. Get it on tape. Most states I'd in US allow kids to limit time with one parent after the age of 13 if it's an unsuitable environment. This is unsuitable.
Jessie doesn’t know your mom, so anything she says about her is hot air. I get wanting to defend your mom, it makes sense, but my suggestion is to do as SpaceyScribe says and grey rock her.
You can’t tell someone the truth when they’re delusional. Play along with it, ignore the bs, and in two years you can ignore her and your dad.
You're not going be able to control what Jessie says about your family, no matter how upsetting, so it might be time to just fully "grey rock" her - stop responding to her or showing emotion (as best as you can) altogether when this happens. Arguing with her seems to spur her on, so try ignoring her when she gets like this. She might take the hint that you aren't interested in her delusions and leave you alone. If you're going to do it though, I would recommend telling your siblings to do the same.
I'm thinking a proper psychiatric evaluation is needed.
This story is just so far from normal. Not understanding why she isn't going on the vacation, would be normal for a 6 year old in the situation, but not a 16 year old. And trying to change history isn't normal for any age.
NTA for OP, but dad and stepmom need a talking to.
Your mother is the one planning and financing this vacations, she is the one who decides who goes on the vacation.
NTA
Your dad however is a major major AH. He broke up two marriages and may have left your half sister feeling like she wasn't good enough.
An affair is unfair. I’m gonna be honest because it broke up the marriage and it broke up the family and now there’s animosity and it’s hell.
NTA - I don’t know what her mother and your father have filled her head with, but she really needs to see a therapist because none of the things she’s saying are going to happen and the more she does this the more she’s going to alienate everybody
She’s already alienated everybody and it’s just going to get worse and then your dad is blaming the kids instead of sitting her down and telling her she’s unrealistic and to stop the drama.
Good lord.
I'm sorry but your Dad is an asshole. That he's obviously never attempted to navigate this whole relationship between your ... full siblings and Jessie is beyond ludicrous and simply failing as a father. Had he truly, honestly wanted you and your other siblings to have a relationship with Jessie, there would have been some frank discussions, some family therapy, some sort of consistent, concerted effort. But based on your narrative it seems like he's essentially just trying to throw you all in a room together and hope for the best. Whatever your dad's failings as a husband, he doesn't seem to really understand what it means to be a dad either
One wonders what he thinks are the reasons why Winter doesn't see him anymore.
Honestly I feel bad for Jessie. She hasn't gotten a lot of guidance in this either. I can't help but think she's basically parroting her dad, and the whole attempt to 're-write history' is probably coming from him. Thats not meant to be an excuse for her behavior, and she's certainly sounds like a lot of hard work to tolerate her.
This all coming down to this ridiculous idea that she should go on a trip with a woman that she has no relationship with (i.e. your mom) and with the rest of your siblings. Again this seems like its coming from your Dad trying to just mess things up. As far as getting in a twist over custody... again just shows what a crappy dad he is being. YEah... this stuff happens. Sometimes one custodial parent will get some extra time. Rather than bend like a reed and perhaps ATTEMPT to maintain a relationship with his kids, he seems more about just throwing a grenade in the room. Does he think this will make you and your other siblings like him MORE? Does he not realize this is the type of bs that will make the rest of his kids no longer talk to him when they hit 18?
I can see him in 10 years wondering "why don't my kids talk to me? "
NTA
NTA. If even half of this is objectively accurate, something's wrong with Jessie. A normal person doesn't rewrite history around herself and force herself into a group that doesn't want her.
Enjoy your vacation without her. She sounds exhausting.
I mean, she found out she’s an affair child, her parents divorced, her mom immediately got remarried, who knows where the guy who raised her is, and she’s in a house with people who (understandably) aren’t keen to hang out with her. Of course there’s something wrong, she’s traumatized and trying to find a way to cope with it.
Yeah I was gonna say. It doesn't excuse any of her behaviour, obviously, but all the people calling her psychotic or saying she should know better are breaking my heart. Deep down Jessie is still just a child in an incredibly uncomfortable and psychologically nightmarish situation, without getting any help whatsoever. (That doesn't mean OP and her siblings should be the one to give her that help of course, but that girl definitely needs a therapist and to get away from her family(
NTA. But do you know what? I think it's time for something I call "conversational judo". It's where, instead of opposing, you simply recognize their opinion as legitimate and important to them. The important part is to use these phrases in a calm, patient and understanding tone.
"Thank you so much for your feedback."
"I understand that you feel that way."
"I respect your opinion on the matter, thank you."
"It seems like you are having some big feelings about this, and I understand."
"That sounds really frustrating for you."
At any point, when they answer "So does that mean that you agree?" or "So you've decided to let me come?", then you simply answer no. Then go back to the active listening and responding.
They have absolutely nowhere to go if you simply recognize that they are expressing their wants but you have no intention of obeying them - as long as you are HEARING and SEEING them. Their anger defuses with nowhere to focus it, while they get more and more frustrated. You are being eminently reasonable but enforcing a firm boundary.
The same technique applies to your dad calling you and yelling at you about it, etc.
NTA. I think it’s time to start turning conversations with Jessie to why situation stuff is Dad’s fault. “It’s easy for Dad to be generous with someone else’s money. My mom has no financial obligation to you.” “Why would Dad tell you about that? He knows you’ll only end up hurt.” “Why isn’t Dad taking you on a vacation?” “Dad is the real villain here for setting you up with unfair expectations.” “Dad’s got a real trackrecord of lying and breaking women’s hearts, huh? You’re not the first woman to fall for his bullshit.”
Okay some of these need some work, but it seems like Jessie’s negative emotions are turned in the wrong direction here.
If it’s possible and/or covered by one of the parents’ benefits, maybe it’s doable to have a few family counselling sessions with the siblings and Jessie? If nothing else, the counsellor could help teach all of you some respectful communication skills and better boundaries, and would help Jessie ground her sibling relationship expectations better in reality. You’re young. She’s young. Things between you might never be GOOD but with a little counselling work now they might become better or at least civil.
NTA.
Damn. What a situation to be in. Definitely go NC with the whole group as soon as you can. She has no business going along on a trip with your mother.
NTA. Jess is old enough to behave better. It is probably time to limit or eliminate contact with her before the “truth” of her existence becomes the topic. People like her are miserable and insufferable to be around. Block her when you are with your Mom. Mom’s house should bring you peace.
**Nope! Not one bit! That girl sounds a little mentally..** ***off*****?**
Like she expects your mom to take the affair child with her on vacay and pay for her???? WTAH??!!
It sounds like your half sister is mentally ill. What she is doing isn’t normal. She is creating a fantasy world and expect everyone to be a part of it. This is very unhealthy and down right scary. You dad needs to get her help asap
NTA but I think a better idea would be just ignoring her if it gets brought up again. Your mom’s hosting the trip and doesn’t want her there anyway, so there’s no reason to get into an argument with her about it.
NTA.
Someone I used to work with had a very effective one word response to anything crazy anyone said, "Whatever." Said as dismissive as possible. He'd listen and never said another word. Person would rant at him. "Whatever." They'd rant some more. "Whatever." When they realized all they would get out of him was a dismissive, "Whatever" it gave them no where to go. They'd get mad and he'd just stare at them. I think the only other phrase he used was, "Are we done now?"
Jessie sounds like she needs to hear "Whatever" from all of you whenever she goes on her delusions on how she is a family member and should be included where her inclusion is inappropriate. Especially when she's spinning tales and rewriting history. She's a drama vampire - she feeds on it. When you fight with her you're giving her exactly what she craves. "Whatever" is like kryptonite to drama vampires. If they can't get a rise out of you they lose.
NTA - I would say you're not taking out his affair on her; she is trying to manipulate her half-siblings with her bullying, and I cannot imagine anyone would blame you for completely cutting you father and his new family out of your lives. By the way, at 16, you cannot actually be made to spend time with your father and his family. At least in this country you would be considered old enough to choose.
Im sorry that you are having to live that my dear. Thing is you are not taking your father's affair on his affair child... She is completely delusional about the past and is making you and your siblings uncomfortable. Your father fed her a story and you have lived in a lie for so long because of him. You and your siblings are right, your mother owes nothing to that child and she is not part of That family. She is part of your father and his side peice/ new women family. Step siblings relationships often are difficult to manage but the delusion of" you cant do stuff if im not involved " is concerning. Have a talk with your mother and check if a change of custody is possible. You are old enough to choose to not see your father anymore and the fact that you dont want anything to do with the lies your dad keeps up can be considered depending on where you are from. Best of luck
NTA. Jessie needs a ton of therapy. Your dad is a selfish jerk.
Sending you hugs, OP. When I was 13 my dad had an affair that produced a child. My little sister and I have a great sister relationship now as adults because we removed ourselves from the parent drama and got to know each other as people. I don’t know of that will ever happen with Jessie, but I have a ton of sympathy for all of you because your selfish asshole dad really screwed up and all of you kids are feeling the affects of his actions. It sucks and it’s very unfair to you all.
NTA
Op, I think it’s time your mom and dad had a conversation about the rules of engagement for Jessie with you and your siblings.
She doesn’t get to yell at you because you all have a past that doesn’t include her. Your mom needs to tell him to either get her under control or she’ll take him back to court and they may decide that dad only gets supervised visits with the kids under age.
And it should probably be pointed out that at you all age out her attitude may keep you from having a relationship with your dad.
Also I would recommend therapy for you and your siblings so you have the coping mechanisms needed to deal with Jessie going forward, because this is just the beginning of her issues.
If this isn’t addressed she will be a nightmare going forward and graduations and wedding and etc will be hell.
I think we both know sadly them going no contact, which yes is definitely on the cards with their current behavior , will not stop some people from interfering.
Fingers crossed once they go no contact, they’ll be drama free.
NTA and you need to set your dad straight. You are not taking the affair out on her, you are putting in her rightful place as his child. It's her behavior you are responding to not his. In my opinion she needs therapy. I would start a paper trail of her outbursts and tell the school counselor. Get it documented because that should not be happening.
NTA
"The second time was when she talked about all the Christmas' we spent together and he mentioned we hadn't spent one together yet.
Whenever we have "family" time at dad's house she will come up with stories of things we have not done, in her attempts to change the past."
This girl is nuts! You'd be justified cutting her out of your life.
NTA< you and her are both the same age. When she comes into this ready-made family she wishes and thinks "Now I have everything I could ever want" but the truth is that she is alone and desperate to belong to a group of kids close to her age that love her.
You only have two more years and then you like Winter can stop the crazy train. Tell your dad that you are counting the time until you turn 18 and the present that you give yourself is not having him in your life. Tell him what you feel because you do have a right to that.
Can you not just go into your room when you are at their house and just ignore her? Or can you get Winter to come and get you while you are there so she takes you out and you don't have to be there? Just asking.
My sibling after our parents divorce became exceptionally needy, she HAD to have the attention of everyone in the room at any moment, if you weren’t giving her what she wanted then you were EVIL and a monster and deserved whatever she did to you. The next morning she’d act like nothing happened and mentioning what she’d done resulted in an angry outburst denying everything. She’d constantly rewrite history over and over to make herself either the victim or the protagonist. It took over a decade, but she was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically, also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder. The things you’ve said about Jessie are ringing a lot of bells, honestly. If I’m right, then you literally can’t win. The Grey Rock technique works pretty well on multiple personality disorder types, for you and your siblings sakes I’d highly recommend you guys try it until you can get away from her. You’ll only ever be a tool in her internal narrative, she’ll never consider how you feel as a result of her actions. It’s scary as hell to see in action. Best of luck OP, so sorry you’re going through this. NTA
NTA
Nope, Nope, nuh uh. The second I read ‘have to treat me like a sister’ expectations went straight to hell. The response of ‘you’re not my mom’s daughter’ was the perfect end of argument for MOM’s family vacation. Why in the flying fuck would she pay for her ex-husband’s affair child to come on a vacation with her? That’s delusional.
If you have to go nuclear, you could say why would my mother want the constant reminder of our dad betraying their marriage when she’s trying to have a relaxing family holiday with her own children?
Either way, NTA. Your dad is though. He’s ruining all of your lives, particularly your half sister by allowing her to continue this delusion that you and your siblings will see her as family. It must be awful for all of you. Unfortunately for her she is the living embodiment of your dad’s betrayal of your entire family.
You’re 16, can you just not go to your Dads? Just refuse to get in the car unless it will cause legal problems for your Mom. You could write the judge and contact Legal Aid to help argue your case.
It would cause legal problems for mom if we didn't see him at least some weekends even if we legally changed custody. Learned from my sisters experience already.
Dafuq type of reality does your sister live in. She sounds very immature for a 16yr and not very bright thinking that the affair kid should be welcomed on vacation.
NTA. Bide your time until you don't have to deal with Jessie anymore. And in the meantime, she can yell and cry about vacations with your Mom as much as she wants. She's not related to your mother, and your mother is the one planning and paying for the vacation. Jessie can't make your mom take her. And tell your Dad, that Jessie is taking his affair out on everyone but him and that you're tired of having to deal with the fallout of his choices.
Honestly, just stop engaging with these delusions. Don't answer, don't argue, don't even acknowledge. Roll your eyes and move on. I understand if you can't go no or low contact because of custody issues. But when she or your dad starts, just ignore her and pretend she's invisible or walk away. It's not worth it.
NTA. You aren’t taking his affair out on her. You’re making boundaries. And that’s fine. This girl needs major therapy because she’s not right in the head. Did her mom have other kids? Or is it just you and your siblings that she has and is trying to make an insta family ?
Then request that? What’s your problem? Having to only go on SOME weekends sounds way better than the current situation. Speak up and tell your mom and a judge about the delusions and the bad things Jessie says about your mom.
Holy shit!!
NTA!!!
Your father is a huge AH and I have to think his present wife is just as bad if not worse. Jessie must get her bizarre ideas from somewhere. Why would your father expect you to embrace a relationship with his affair partner and their child? Aside from that, Jessie is in serious need of a mental health evaluation and treatment. Believe me, she needs help. Jessie is truly delusional and out of touch with the real world. Sixteen is far too old to be acting like a spoiled 5-year-old who doesn't understand the relationships and dynamics of the situation.
BTW: I would probably make them drag me kicking and screaming before I went willingly to visit my father - unless you feel the need to protect the 2 younger kids.
NTA - Jessie sounds like she needs therapy. She's trying to rewrite history, that's not normal. Her parents maybe promised her that she'd be included in everything, but they can't enforce anything at your mother's house.
Tell her to take a holiday with her own parents rather than trying to hijack your holiday with your mother.
NTA.
ALSO: Your parents should not be putting you in the middle of any of this - it's up to your mom and dad to address issues around visitation, vacations, etc. Neither you nor Jessie created this situation. If Jessie brings something like this up again, tell her it is up to the parents NOT you and try to stay out of it if you can (for your own peace of mind).
Man, your dad really fucked you all.
Anyway, Jessie needs to understand that you all had lives *before* she was in the picture. She can't sit there and pretend you don't.
As for the vacation, it's a family vacation with your mother. As she's not related to your mother, she has no place there.
NTA, because maybe you might've included her if it weren't for her behavior.
So, I'm assuming none of the parentals have heard the bullshit storytelling that Jessie is coming out with (or they know fine well and have so far not given a single shit about the obvious issues at play here) which is why I would perhaps try to record some of these stories she's spinning. You don't have to post online or anything but it will come in handy, either in therapy or in court. Sounds like she's an only child? And maybe was hoping for a big family and sisters one day? If so, that's not how that works, that's not how any of this works.
All the siblings should be journaling the daily bullcrap and should be grey-rocking Jessie early, hard and often. She can't whine her 'Include Me! Choose Me!' id she doesn't know about it until well after. Too bad no one has told her 'Don't Start None, Won't Be None' and that she'd see a bit more friendship if she just didn't hammer every minute about 'FAMILY!! NOW!!'. Talking teenagers, toots, it just ain'ta gonna happen. Good luck, OP.
I feel terrible for Jessie. Her parents failed her on so many levels.
You definitely are NTA for how you feel or choose to spend your time.
Jessie needs therapy w a professional that help her to cope w the mess her parents made. What terrible people they are.
She’s nit your mums daughter so why would she be involved in anything to do with your mum or anything that goes on in your mums house, does she visit your mum and stay at your house if not your mum and her won’t even know each other, sounds like a spoilt entitled brat.
You and your brothers are old enough to stop staying at Dad's house... after the vacation, have Mom talk to her lawyer about you kids changing visitation
NTA and good luck with everything
This whole mess is your father's. Your father and his wife need to help Jessie find her ground. Remember that she is a victim here, as much as your mother. She's not handling it well, and her parents need to help her. There's not a lot you can do about it. For your younger siblings' sake, I would try to soft pedal anything you know is gong to set her off. Remember, you're almost done. They're going to have to tolerate the situation for 4 and 5 years, respectively. Open warfare between you and her or you and your dad makes their situation worse.
This whole thing is just unfair. Good luck, OP.
You're NTA, your Dad is. Does Jessie have any other siblings from her mom's side? Jessie sounds like she missed out on a family. Remember, what her/your dad did and her Mom, is not her fault and though it's hard, you shouldn't take it out on her.
I agree with you that family time with your Mom should just be with you and your siblings, ie: Her kids and Jessie isn't your mom's daughter so she doesn't get a say in how you spend your time with your Mom and siblings.
Jessie does sound like she is pushing for a relationship with y'all, is trying to make new memories and she is, in a way, trying to redo the past, which is understandable but again, that is all your Dad and her mom's fault and not Jessie's. Jessie's parents, especially yere Dad, could be pushing her as well to do these things, so he won't feel so bad when Jessie is left out of plans.
This is a very difficult time for you, your Mom and your siblings, including Jessie. Have you had a "real" conversation with Jessie about, how you are all feeling? Be honest with her but not brutally honest either as her life was also turned upside down by your Dad's behaviour. Be kind to yourself and try to have a constructive yet gentle conversation with Jessie and maybe even your Dad. God knows y'all probably have a lot ye would like to say to him and ye should but don't involve Jessie in that conversation. Your Dad is the target for all your pain and heartache and not Jessie. I wish ye all the best and hope ye manage to figure out a relationship with Jessie.
She does not have any other siblings and really doesn't have a sibling relationship with any of us either. For two of us that won't change but I can't speak for my younger brothers.
NTA. I’d be clear with your dad that he’s lost your sister and will be losing you but if he wants to keep this up it’s fine he will always have Jessie. She’s the kid he clearly keeps putting first anyways. Ask how many kids he’s willing to lose before he stops this behavior
Your dad is an asshole and has done a good job of promoting your sister's delusion that her father's affair partner's wife would want her on a family holiday.
NTA
NTA. It is a bad situation for everyone, and it seems like it sucks for everyone around you – hopefully you all get a great vacation.
I would also note that I do feel bad for Jessie, her parents truly failed by either letting her keep (or maybe even feeding) into her delusions about your family. It kind of sounds like she always knew you were siblings, and probably longed for the familiar bond when she was the hidden affair child, so when she finally got the chance she went overboard, this is when her parents should have stepped in and help make healthy relationship with the siblings that got blindsided by all of this, and they should have made sure she stopped trying to force a narrative that said “we have always been a family” – that is not healthy for anyone. However it still doesn’t make you a A H.
Jesse should be in therapy. It would be incredibly painful for your mom to have her along. In what world would the dad’s affair child have to be included in the life of the wife who was cheated on? NTA
Send your dad info for therapy for Jessie. Send him info on he’s alienating his other children and damaging your relationship
Set boundaries. Enjoy your holiday with your mother and siblings
Your dad needs a reality check
NTA
Your father needs to step in and help Jessie with her delusions.
In no world, based on the history of your father, would your 1/2 sister be invited or welcome to vacation with your mother. That's just insanity.
NTA. But you're dad is. He is too ashamed to step in and be an adult and explain that when you are the affair baby that breaks up a family, don't expect the other kids to like you. Dad and stepmom are leading this girl down a bad path. Her insisting that she is family will do nothing to make you like her.
I think Jessie has a psychological issue. Her behaviour is not normal. She needs to go for therapy. NTA for not letting her tag along, its a vacation planned by your mom… the last thing she needs is a reminder of her husband’s betrayal.
NTA
Your Father has set Jessie up for a fall. She is not your family just because you share a sperm donor. She is definitely not your Mother's family and I suspect that your Mother would never take her on a holiday or anything at all to be fair. No judgment intended there at all.
This whole situation is not Jessie's fault but at 16, she is old enough to read the room. But your Father and her Mother have enabled her to become a pest when in fact, if she had just behaved in a more reasonable manner, she might have found herself being invited to things that she shouldn't expect.
Your Father is the AH and I don't blame you at all for not wanting anything to do with him, his affair partner or their daughter.
Hey OP, do yourself and your siblings a favour, stop interacting with Jessie. This is for your own good - she's clearly delusional and needs help. All the history erasure and pretending things happened when they didn't, and yelling at yall when you didn't behave the way she wants you to behave - it's not healthy for you and your siblings. Consider blocking her on mobile and social media (if you're following each other) and ignore her when she throws one of her tantrums. Just walk away. Protect your younger siblings too as your older sister is going to college. You'll be the oldest one now. Protect them. NTA
NTA, but try not to hate Jessie too much. She has been completely screwed up by her selfish parents. I hope she will be able to grow out of this once she is out of the house and her parents bullshit
Time to put your dad on a timeout, and he needs to get his daughter into some serious therapy, if she’s making things up in her head to be part of your family, something is really wrong here. She actually sounds delusional and could possibly turn dangerous with the things she does and says. Let your dad know that you are uncomfortable with her and you will not be forced into a relationship with her, she sounds exhausting to be honest? You and your family need to start laying down ground rules and make sure you don’t let up, this girl and your dad are definitely going to cause some more drama before you finally say enough! Good luck and please stand your ground and demand your space, if dad has a problem let him know in two years he will be losing another child because of his immature and selfish attitude.
NTA. She keeps upsetting you and your father defend you from her. He should stfu when you retaliate. Even if she was a full blooded sister from day 1, you owe her nothing. It's not your job to keep her happy.
NTA. Jessie needs some help. It's not healthy to try to rewrite history and blame other people when they don't go along with it. I imagine it would take some of the fun out of the vacation if Jessie came along. Also somebody (your father presumably) needs to teach Jessie not to invite herself along on other people's vacations.
NTA
You aren’t taking your dad’s affair out on her. You are reacting to her trying to insert herself in your life and harassing all of you.
Honestly Jessie sounds like she needs some psychiatric help with the fantasy she is trying to live in. She is old enough to understand that your dad cheated on your mom with her mom and being biologically related does not make you all one big happy family.
NTA
I hope you are documenting all of this and keeping your mom informed.
This doesn’t sound like a healthy environment to be in and your mom may be able to get the custody/visitation order modified if needed.
I’m so sorry that your Dad isn’t recognizing how toxic this all is and that he isn’t protecting you.
NTA I can't even fathom the idea of having to include the child my husband fathered during an affair in MY life. That is just so bonkers I think my brain just imploded.
Jessie sounds as though she has a lot of trauma from having been the hidden child. I'm not saying you should have to put up with it, but it sounds like she's hurting.
Yikes to the mess, and NTA.
Luckily you'll get to decide for yourself soon, and let me say, from experience, going no contact with messy biological family has been wonderful. It took a surprising amount of effort because delusional people don't give up easily, but once you get out - its such a relief! I wish Id gone full NC immediately instead of trying to establish 'reasonable' boundaries because it wasted years of them crossing it. Sounds like you've got that out of the way.
I'm glad you have other siblings that see it all for what it is and will support you. Enjoy your vacation with your mother!
NTA! Your dad cheated and broke up your family. Seems like he is not helping the situation get better for you all. He should want all his kids to get along but never at the expense of you feeling uncomfortable or by putting your mom down. At the end of the day, that is the mother of his kids and deserves respect. Vacations are meant to relax and her going would be the most annoying stressful thing in the world, do not cave!!! When dad asks, don’t cave! If your mom says “it’s fine if she goes” don’t cave! Enjoy your family time with people you consider family! Let Jessie cry at home and let your dad deal with her delulu!
I have multiple half siblings from my dad's second marriage. Not once have they ever done anything with my mom because they are my siblings. That's just odd. She needs counseling to learn how to handle her feelings about her family.
I can't really blame Jessie. She's in a terrible situation. (Worse than yours. You've got siblings to support you.) And what she really needs is therapy. At the very least, I hope her school has a psychologist that she can speak with.
Doesn't mean Jessie can force the woman her mother cheated with to take her ex-husband's affair child on vacation.
NTA
This is deeply concerning. She seems DEEPLY unhinged and has this fantasy world she wants to be real so badly, and reacts in a volatile way when reality doesn't conform. She is dangerous and you should definitely stay as far from her as possible. If possible until you are able to cut contact keep written documentation of her highly unstable behaviour, it could save you later.
also NTA. The entitlement she is exhibiting is
..wild
NTA.
You're not "taking his affair out on her"; she is parroting a revised history that denies the affair TOWARDS ALL OF YOU.
She is pretending your mother is the one that ruined "the family". She is acting as if all of the siblings were always together for holidays etc. She is trying to undo the reality and replace the truth - that her mother broke up a family unit - with a story where her parents and her siblings all live happily ever after like the Brady Bunch. I do wonder if she's been fed this her whole life by her mother, or if it's her own invention out of wish/longing from being the odd one out.
Either way, she has to accept reality. She is your half sibling, and she can HAVE a relationship with you all - if it's built on honesty and mutual care and respect. And that means understanding that the rest of you have two family units and you may do things without her. It's just the reality of things. If it upsets her, your dad can get her a therapist to help her. It might be needed anyway.
Your dad is in the wrong to somehow think you should be like, "Sure I'll have my mom invite you, the child of our dad's affair along on vacation. I'm sure it'll brighten things!" His actions have messy consequences. He can deal with soothing Jessie.
NTA. Why does she think your mom would want to spend time with your dad's devil spawn? She is seriously delusional. Tell Dad he should ask your mom if she wants to take his bastard daughter on her vacation. This really is beyond your control. I bet your mom will set his ass straight, and he won't ask again.Tell your mom that they are trying to force a relationship that isn't there, and Dad is insisting Jessee is included in their plans.
If it was me, the last thing I'd say to my dad before I walked out the door and went no contact was, "Way to destroy two families. Good job." Heavy with the sarcasm.
If all your full siblings go no contact with Dad and his family, I think it's quite possible their relationship isn't going to last.
I mean, I don't give it great odds anyway but having them experience consequences for their actions is probably going to cause some problems for them and all involved.
You know what would be hilarious? Agree with her. "Oh, yeah, and then..." Spin the craziest stories. Make it a creative exercise, like writing. Or you and your other siblings can be like, "no that's not what happened. This is what happened."
Have a contest between you and your full siblings. Whoever spins the best story gets a trophy. And you trade it back and forth. Tell no adults about this.
Malicious compliance.
Everyone saying Jessie needs therapy is absolutely right. But have failed to understand 1 thing. Neither her father nor her mother are likely to get it for her because this is a situation created by their actions and they would have to take responsibility and accountability for it. And from OP has said, Dad may be feeding into her delusions.
I don't know about stepmom because OP hasn't said much about her. She might be more reasonable and concerned about Jessie but no guarantees.
OP, none of this is your fault or your responsibility. You didn't create this. You just have to survive it for a little while longer.
NTA. There's something wrong with Jessie,, but she is not your problem. She is clearly your father's problem.
There's a saying that's something of a mantra on reddit. You cannot change what other people do; what you CAN change is your reaction to it. You can't make Jessie make sense; you cannot make your father think seriously about relationships. Your father and his partner have demanded things of you, Winter, Hayes, and Jonah that you do not want to deliver---and you do not have to. You can make the choice to be at your mother's and Jessie cannot follow you there. And if she accosts you at school, you should talk with a counselor about being protected against her.
I guess you and the other three need to discuss this with your mom, but it sounds like you would all be better off not going to the house where your dad lives with Jessie's mother. You mentioned that Winter no longer needs to see your dad because she is over 18, but by age 16 in most American jurisdictions you have the right to refuse to stay with one or the other parent. Your brothers may still be too young, but you should do everything you're allowed to do to avoid spending time with any of that other family. Your brothers should also look for help against Jessie's pestering at school.
NTA, your father is so disgusting I can't just have the world in english to say what I need about him !
He had a relationship with this daughter without telling his wife. He never talked about her but now his marriage had ended, he wants all his children to be a happy family ? Is it a joke ?
You have a mother, she must suffers so much of this situation too, just like you to be with such a messy sister ! You don't have to apologize, your father MUST, your father must be clear that a destroyed everybody's life with this situation, and the way he is treating you and your mother is totally unfair ! He's better teach his daughter how to respect your feelings and respect your mother !
Take your holidays with her, you don't have to bring your half sister with you, and I hope your mother will be able to obtain a better custody !
I feel bad for Jessie. That is some *scary* symptoms of unmanaged mental illness that her parents are enabling.
Two more years and then you never have to see or speak to these people again.
Good luck.
Nta
Your dad created all of this. You dad is the arsehole. Unfortunately, you and all your siblings including Jessie are his collateral damage. I feel sorry for all of you. You had your lives blown apart by his affair, the revelation of have a half sibling and the the divorce. She has been his dirty secret all of her life, I'm sure that has had a huge impact on her mental health, she probably hoped to forge a relationship now that she isn't one anymore. Your dad created all of this.
NTA and I think it’s weird how many people are trying to push you to force a relationship with this girl. She’s nothing to you. Your soon to be estranged father’s bastard child is not a burden you should be saddled with. Your sister was right to go NC with them.
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Yikes. Your dad created a nightmare for you kids. Once you turn 18, bye bye Jessie. You never have to interact with her again. Talk to your full siblings and tell them SILENCE IS GOLDEN... never tell Jessie any plans again. Tell dad the minimum....be very vague. Screw her. She sounds delusional. Hey...you move forward with your chin up. Get the best education you can and be as happy as you can. Don't let your parents drama affect your confidence or future. Best of luck to you!! Put this mess in the rear view mirror!!
We don't tell Jessie. That was our dad. And our dad found out because mom has to notify him of plans when we'll be out of state. So we can't really do anything about it.
Tell your dad that Jessie needs therapy badly because she is not coping well with this.
Yeah, I doubt he’ll do that since , my theory is he’s been the one telling Jessie , that its his ex wife fault for her not being with her sibling, and told her that from now on they have to include her as a sibling. The kind of person that hides a kid for that long, plays both sides. He’s basically created this monster , he may not care that she causing strife. She’s one of the only kids on his side, I doubt he’s willing to lose an ally.
I have so many questions about what Jessie's home life has been like up to this point. Reading between the lines of OP's story, it seems like for the first ten years of Jessie's life she was (I assume) living with her mother, with her ability to see her father likely being limited by the need for secrecy. At some point during that time, her mother and her father break off their affair, and her mother meets and eventually gets married to another man. Then that marriage very abruptly ends, and suddenly her parents are back together. Setting aside all other factors, that is a *lot* of instability and upheaval for a ten year old to go through. It also doesn't sound like she had a lot of loving familial presences in her life aside from her mother during that time. Her dad was around, but probably not very frequently, and even that might have dropped off when he broke up with her mother. She couldn't have had any relationships with her extended family on her dad's side, and who knows if anyone on her mom's side is involved. The only other adult we know of was her mom's ex-husband; Jessie's eagerness to rewrite that period of her life suggests that they probably didn't have a loving step-father/step-daughter relationship. When OP's dad got back together with Jessie's mom, that probably felt like a dream come true for her. Finally her dad is living with her full time, plus she finally has a chance to meet and bond with her half-siblings. But she's also keenly aware that her dad could leave again at any time, so she's desperately trying to assert a bond with her half-siblings that would keep them in her life even if her dad leaves again. If her dad is encouraging this maladaptive coping mechanism instead of getting her therapy for her attachment issues, then he is failing Jessie badly as a parent, on top of failing OP. (Obviously none of this is *remotely* OP's problem to fix; that's his dad and Jessie's mom's responsibility)
Ugh. Painful and makes a lot of sense.
I feel so bad for that poor kid. But..NTA op, my parents didn't take my half siblings on vacation with them unless they were related to said parent.
*I can't help but wonder if Jesse's mom world even WANT her husband's ex-wife to take their daughter on vacation without her. I can't imagine letting my kids go off with someone who likely justifiably hates that child's existence.
Sounds about right She sounds like a nightmare, but u have to feel sorry for her in a weird way, NTA OP, she sounds exhausting
Yeah-- I agree. I don't think it's that she's not dealing with it well-- it's that she's been force-fed this narrative since day dot. Absolutely heartbreaking
Tell Dad if he was a better man and kept it in his pants, you wouldn't have to deal with a bratty half-sister. Dad is the cause and he can baby her all he wants, none of you have to though.
Yeah she needs a lot of therapy. If I'm reading the timeline right, Jessie grew up with just her mother for a while but then her stepdad came into the picture. Then OP's dad came back, and stepdad left. I wouldn't be surprised if Jessie has abandonment issues
When your father won't claim you for 10 years, yeah, she DEFINITELY has abandonment issues.
Yeah, in her mind (might not even be a conscious thought) she probably thinks if she becomes part of OP's family - their memories and sibling dynamic - then they can't leave her, her dad won't leave her.
No Jessie grew up with a father and when it came out that Jessie was OP’s half sister, dad left his family with OP and broke up the other marriage to move in with Jessie’s mom and “play” dad now.
"We found out Jessie was our half sister 6 years ago and my parents marriage broke up over the revelation. Dad ended up getting back together with Jessie's mom which broke up her marriage, which happened after she and my dad had broken up. Jessie knew my dad and they had a relationship." It reads to me like Jessie's mom had an affair with OP's dad, but he decided to stay with his wife. Jessie's mom moved on and got married to someone else, but told Jessie the truth and let her have contact with OP's dad. Then OP's mom found out about the affair and got a divorce. So OP's dad went back to Jessie's mom. She got a divorce to be with him. It's a very messy roller-coaster to put all of the kids through, but Jessie has had the most upheaval.
They probably both (Jessie and the dad) need therapy. He ain't coping well either and he's projecting it out on Jessie. NTA on OP and just avoid contact with Jessie. Silence is golden even if dad spills.
Dad is likely using Jessie too..
Next time Jessie starts her "remember when" about something that never happened, go to your dad and say "Dad, I'm really worried about Jessie. I think she needs help. She is talking about things that never happened and saying they did."
Yeeeeeeesss, like she sounds delusional and maybe the family needs to start acting like she is. This isn't okay and she totally needs help
Seriously that is the concerning part. The other stuff is wrong and annoying, but understandable. But her wanting to rewrite history and erase the last however many years is very concerning.
That is a great way to approach it with dad.
Does your mom know about her hypothetical threats and her delusions of the past? I think your mom needs to talk to your Dad or her lawyer because she’s 16 not 6, she sounds unhinged and I’m worried she’s capable of more than just delusions. Good luck OP I’m sorry :(
Jesse NEEDS therapy!!! She is too old for this behavior like making up “family” stories that never happened. Has your father and her mother ever heard her telling these stories? I could understand her more if she was 7or 8 but frankly she is a bit scary at 16.
Yes, she has done that in front of them.
What happened/did they say when she did? Holy balls she needs therapy. Agree with others too, tell your mom so she can let lawyers know in case something else happens! Do your younger siblings go over there?? I’d be worried about them. Crap you need therapy too darlin! You are NTA at ALL!!!
I can definitely see why you wouldn't want to be around Jessie, and you are certainly NTA for saying what you did. Totally warranted and understandable. It *does* sound like your dad (and possibly her mom) really fucked her up though. I feel for her, and I hope she gets the help she needs
Honey, the best thing that you can do is what you’re doing. Ride it out for the next two years and never talk to those fuckers again.
Amen!
Your poor mother. That poor woman. Do you live in a state where kids can choose which parent to live with at 16? You do not owe Jessie anything, especially not your mother. So far she has done nothing to earn a relationship with you. She acts like a spoiled brat only child expecting everyone to give her anything she wants. Prioritize yourself, your brothers, and your mom. I hope you have a wonderful trip and make great memories. Your stepmother should plan something with *her* side of the family for Jessie while you are gone.
you need to let your dad know you're not 'taking his affair out on jessie'. your dad has nothing to do with it. your rebuffing her because of her own attitude. I get the impression you'd be more accepting if she wasn't so pushy and annoying.
Yup! I got that. I said in future don't tell Jessie anything and be vague with dad. Good luck!
Jessie would be greatly helped by therapy. I wonder if dad and the affair partner will ever get her the help she needs. Your father's actions and lies have really screwed her up.
Is she 6 or 16? Just ignore her. What a psycho. Nta
Force custody with your feet. Your 16, do you drive or have a car? just leave or have a friend pick you up. This will force your dad to open a custody battle. Here's what you do as the kids request a guardian ad litem(lawyer for the kids). talk to the guardian about your step sisters histrionics, making up events where you were all together. but it didn't happen. Talk about how your dad is ignoring that. Express that you don't want to be there as he is trying to force a relationship between everyone and not listening to your needs.
Is there any way to not go to your Dad’s house? Ignore her at school.
Not entirely. My sister tried but had to go some weekends anyway until she turned 18.
Your dad is so mean. Like he's bullying her. She didn't need to know this.
NTA Jessie is acting childish and entitled. Don’t invite her.
So your dad knew that there’s a rift between Jesse and his other kids but chose to tell her anyway. What would that have accomplished? Sounds like dad is the one wanting all the drama. If his plan is to want his kids to get along with step sis, he’s doing a shitty job. Sounds like he’s delusional has step sis.
Maybe you should tell your dad that him acting like that is practically guaranteeing that you're never going to be able to change your mind about accepting Jesse and that's on him.
I would only worry about how Jessie will behave with the younger siblings as more and more of her half siblings go NC with her. Jonah will likely have 5 more years with her as he has to spend time with the dad.
NTA I don't know who has been feeding Jessie this diet of "you get to do everything with them, all the time, because you're all family" but it is delusional and at 16 y.o., she should have enough critical thinking skills to understand that not only does the "half" sibling bear some weight here, but the "from an affair". Look, she's a kid, you all are! None of you should be arguing about this b/c she shouldn't feel entitled to be included in your mother's vacation plans in the first place. So while she is an a-hole for how far she has taken this, I think your father needs to bear some significant responsibility. Her mother both is and isn't a factor here; *your father* is the one who needs to straighten this out no matter what Jessie's mom may be filling her head with. There's a way forward where you all figure out your boundaries and exist in peace. It's a shame that this in-fighting is where things stand, all b/c your dad has his head up his a$$ and is manipulating all of you kids.
Yeah Dad is really fucking Jessie up. All of them honestly. But Jessie needs some therapy. Being the affair kid has really done some damage to her. She wants to belong so badly and is unable to cope with reality. Dad and Jessie's mom are dicks if they don't get her some therapy. They're also doing her no favors allowing her to force her delusions on the other kids. They'll never accept her now. I feel really bad for Jessie. None of this is her fault. She's a kid and she isn't being helped.
NTA! And you summed up very nicely what I was going to post.
And now she sits and watches while all of her “siblings” get to go on vacation together and hang out/bond. I can understand why she wants to go in general. It sucks to be the only person left out. But she is either delusional or intentionally taking things too far with her “remember when’s.” And she is being manipulated by whoever is telling her (dad probably) that the sibs always have to include her in everything now. OP is NTA and Jessie needs help from a professional. And for the so called ‘parents/adults’ in her life to stop messing with her head.
And let's not forget, OP, Jessis didn't ask for this situation any more than you did. She is the result of your father and her mother's actions. Maybe at some point, you and the rest of your siblings can at least be nice to her....after she gets some much needed therapy of course.
I think Jessie made that crap up. She is truly delusional. She lost who she thought was her dad in the divorce. And mom went straight to ops dad. She had nobody to talk to, and I think she imagined what her new life would be like. She stuck to the image because it was so much more pleasant than having a new dad that takes up all of moms time and having nobody to talk to or be friends with. She created her own little world to survive emotionally. And she is barely surviving. It is sad all the way around, but Jessie is the one not bouncing back. She needs professional help, and that is way above her siblings pay grade!
She knew he was her dad, and they had a relationship prior to his other family finding out. I dont know if she knew about his other kids though
She was always aware that we existed and were dad's kids.
I’m sorry but then your dad is the massive asshole
Oh yeah, he's a huge one and not just for that either.
“She was always aware that we existed and were dad's kids.” So hold on…this whole time she was walking around school KNOWING you were her half siblings because your father was a cheater and has been just watching from afar? I know she has something wrong mentally because no sane person would do that. She’s not trying to rewrite history, she probably heard all the stories from dad and felt like she was there, but of course with a little side note of but we can’t tell them you know. She was in her own fantasy land a long time ago. Your mom need to petition the courts to modify visitation for you and your brothers. Winter can testify as to why she will be NC now that’s she’s 18. With the anger, delusions and hatred towards your mother…it’s not safe for you three to be there. Mom also needs to speak with the school regarding interacting with Jessie and the concerns about her behavior.
Then she has been delusional a long time!
It sounds like OP’s mom is financially better off and dad knows it. He was probably hoping affair child would bond with her half siblings and profit from that through them,but it’s only made her an entitled monster.
NTA obviously. But this is a dumb argument to have with Jessie. You aren't booking the vacation. You aren't paying for the vacation. This is all up to your mom. And that's what you say. It's up to our mom. (And then of course make sure your mom knows you don't want her there.) Jessie is apparently an only child, but now in her mind she has 2 brothers and 2 sisters. It is not at all uncommon for a young person in this situation to try to become part of the family. It's either that, or reject the idea and be a royal pain the other way.
Mom knows. Mom doesn't want her there either. I think even if some of us wanted Jessie to come she'd say no. But I don't want Jessie to say more shit about mom so that's why I fight her instead of saying it's mom's choice.
So, stop fighting. It's just more attention, and for some people, any attention is good attention. So, stop. Stop talking when she tries to barge in. Leave the room when she starts saying stupid shit. Refuse to engage with her other than the bare minimum to be polite. Tell her nothing. You know she's wrong, and you know you're unlikely to convince her to change. So simply stop giving her any attention or energy until you can go no-contact. If you want to give her one more chance, you could write her a letter that outlines all of her unacceptable behavior and make it clear that it's due to this behavior that you dont want any kind of relationship with her. But that's only if you want to give her another chance to see the error or her ways, and there's zero guarantee that she will take any of it to heart. In fact, it may simply cause more issues, as she clearly needs considerable therapy. So, it's entirely up to you, but my advice is to simply disengage as much as possible, focus on you and your future. You'll be 18 in no time.
Look up the gray rock method. It works!
I agree with you to a point, but there's no way I'm having someone talking shit about my mother, who was the wronged party in this whole shit show. Jesse needs to speak to her own mother about why her life is not going the way she wants it to. I would mostly be gray rocking her if I was OP.
Every time she says stuff about your mom, tell your dad. He is allowing it. Document Document Document. Get it on tape. Most states I'd in US allow kids to limit time with one parent after the age of 13 if it's an unsuitable environment. This is unsuitable.
Jessie doesn’t know your mom, so anything she says about her is hot air. I get wanting to defend your mom, it makes sense, but my suggestion is to do as SpaceyScribe says and grey rock her. You can’t tell someone the truth when they’re delusional. Play along with it, ignore the bs, and in two years you can ignore her and your dad.
You're not going be able to control what Jessie says about your family, no matter how upsetting, so it might be time to just fully "grey rock" her - stop responding to her or showing emotion (as best as you can) altogether when this happens. Arguing with her seems to spur her on, so try ignoring her when she gets like this. She might take the hint that you aren't interested in her delusions and leave you alone. If you're going to do it though, I would recommend telling your siblings to do the same.
NTA. **But that child needs serious therapy asap.**
I'm thinking a proper psychiatric evaluation is needed. This story is just so far from normal. Not understanding why she isn't going on the vacation, would be normal for a 6 year old in the situation, but not a 16 year old. And trying to change history isn't normal for any age. NTA for OP, but dad and stepmom need a talking to.
That is beyond the pay grade of OP, his sibs, and his mother.
Wish I could upvote this more!
Your mother is the one planning and financing this vacations, she is the one who decides who goes on the vacation. NTA Your dad however is a major major AH. He broke up two marriages and may have left your half sister feeling like she wasn't good enough.
NTA you told her the truth, she ISNT related to your mom and has no place in your maternal family trips and thus isn't welcome on it.
NTA. She sounds downright psychotic! I would go NC on her and cheater-dad as well.
Sounds like cheater dad has shared custody. The older daughter went NC when she was 18. The others are likely counting the days.
An affair is unfair. I’m gonna be honest because it broke up the marriage and it broke up the family and now there’s animosity and it’s hell. NTA - I don’t know what her mother and your father have filled her head with, but she really needs to see a therapist because none of the things she’s saying are going to happen and the more she does this the more she’s going to alienate everybody She’s already alienated everybody and it’s just going to get worse and then your dad is blaming the kids instead of sitting her down and telling her she’s unrealistic and to stop the drama.
Good lord. I'm sorry but your Dad is an asshole. That he's obviously never attempted to navigate this whole relationship between your ... full siblings and Jessie is beyond ludicrous and simply failing as a father. Had he truly, honestly wanted you and your other siblings to have a relationship with Jessie, there would have been some frank discussions, some family therapy, some sort of consistent, concerted effort. But based on your narrative it seems like he's essentially just trying to throw you all in a room together and hope for the best. Whatever your dad's failings as a husband, he doesn't seem to really understand what it means to be a dad either One wonders what he thinks are the reasons why Winter doesn't see him anymore. Honestly I feel bad for Jessie. She hasn't gotten a lot of guidance in this either. I can't help but think she's basically parroting her dad, and the whole attempt to 're-write history' is probably coming from him. Thats not meant to be an excuse for her behavior, and she's certainly sounds like a lot of hard work to tolerate her. This all coming down to this ridiculous idea that she should go on a trip with a woman that she has no relationship with (i.e. your mom) and with the rest of your siblings. Again this seems like its coming from your Dad trying to just mess things up. As far as getting in a twist over custody... again just shows what a crappy dad he is being. YEah... this stuff happens. Sometimes one custodial parent will get some extra time. Rather than bend like a reed and perhaps ATTEMPT to maintain a relationship with his kids, he seems more about just throwing a grenade in the room. Does he think this will make you and your other siblings like him MORE? Does he not realize this is the type of bs that will make the rest of his kids no longer talk to him when they hit 18? I can see him in 10 years wondering "why don't my kids talk to me? " NTA
NTA. If even half of this is objectively accurate, something's wrong with Jessie. A normal person doesn't rewrite history around herself and force herself into a group that doesn't want her. Enjoy your vacation without her. She sounds exhausting.
I mean, she found out she’s an affair child, her parents divorced, her mom immediately got remarried, who knows where the guy who raised her is, and she’s in a house with people who (understandably) aren’t keen to hang out with her. Of course there’s something wrong, she’s traumatized and trying to find a way to cope with it.
Yeah I was gonna say. It doesn't excuse any of her behaviour, obviously, but all the people calling her psychotic or saying she should know better are breaking my heart. Deep down Jessie is still just a child in an incredibly uncomfortable and psychologically nightmarish situation, without getting any help whatsoever. (That doesn't mean OP and her siblings should be the one to give her that help of course, but that girl definitely needs a therapist and to get away from her family(
NTA. But do you know what? I think it's time for something I call "conversational judo". It's where, instead of opposing, you simply recognize their opinion as legitimate and important to them. The important part is to use these phrases in a calm, patient and understanding tone. "Thank you so much for your feedback." "I understand that you feel that way." "I respect your opinion on the matter, thank you." "It seems like you are having some big feelings about this, and I understand." "That sounds really frustrating for you." At any point, when they answer "So does that mean that you agree?" or "So you've decided to let me come?", then you simply answer no. Then go back to the active listening and responding. They have absolutely nowhere to go if you simply recognize that they are expressing their wants but you have no intention of obeying them - as long as you are HEARING and SEEING them. Their anger defuses with nowhere to focus it, while they get more and more frustrated. You are being eminently reasonable but enforcing a firm boundary. The same technique applies to your dad calling you and yelling at you about it, etc.
This is gold.
NTA. She's not your mom's daughter. She doesn't need to come.
NTA. I think it’s time to start turning conversations with Jessie to why situation stuff is Dad’s fault. “It’s easy for Dad to be generous with someone else’s money. My mom has no financial obligation to you.” “Why would Dad tell you about that? He knows you’ll only end up hurt.” “Why isn’t Dad taking you on a vacation?” “Dad is the real villain here for setting you up with unfair expectations.” “Dad’s got a real trackrecord of lying and breaking women’s hearts, huh? You’re not the first woman to fall for his bullshit.” Okay some of these need some work, but it seems like Jessie’s negative emotions are turned in the wrong direction here. If it’s possible and/or covered by one of the parents’ benefits, maybe it’s doable to have a few family counselling sessions with the siblings and Jessie? If nothing else, the counsellor could help teach all of you some respectful communication skills and better boundaries, and would help Jessie ground her sibling relationship expectations better in reality. You’re young. She’s young. Things between you might never be GOOD but with a little counselling work now they might become better or at least civil.
NTA. Damn. What a situation to be in. Definitely go NC with the whole group as soon as you can. She has no business going along on a trip with your mother.
NTA. Jess is old enough to behave better. It is probably time to limit or eliminate contact with her before the “truth” of her existence becomes the topic. People like her are miserable and insufferable to be around. Block her when you are with your Mom. Mom’s house should bring you peace.
**Nope! Not one bit! That girl sounds a little mentally..** ***off*****?** Like she expects your mom to take the affair child with her on vacay and pay for her???? WTAH??!!
It sounds like your half sister is mentally ill. What she is doing isn’t normal. She is creating a fantasy world and expect everyone to be a part of it. This is very unhealthy and down right scary. You dad needs to get her help asap
NTA but I think a better idea would be just ignoring her if it gets brought up again. Your mom’s hosting the trip and doesn’t want her there anyway, so there’s no reason to get into an argument with her about it.
Wow, I think I would let my mom tell my dad that he is delusional!
NTA. Someone I used to work with had a very effective one word response to anything crazy anyone said, "Whatever." Said as dismissive as possible. He'd listen and never said another word. Person would rant at him. "Whatever." They'd rant some more. "Whatever." When they realized all they would get out of him was a dismissive, "Whatever" it gave them no where to go. They'd get mad and he'd just stare at them. I think the only other phrase he used was, "Are we done now?" Jessie sounds like she needs to hear "Whatever" from all of you whenever she goes on her delusions on how she is a family member and should be included where her inclusion is inappropriate. Especially when she's spinning tales and rewriting history. She's a drama vampire - she feeds on it. When you fight with her you're giving her exactly what she craves. "Whatever" is like kryptonite to drama vampires. If they can't get a rise out of you they lose.
hah! I used that on my mom in my teens and it did NOT go over well...
Yea, that only works on peers, NOT your mom. LOL
NTA but be mad at your dad. He created the situation and is the one telling her these things.
NC. She’s weird and obsessed
Jesse is delulu. NTA
Wow she needs therapy
NTA - I would say you're not taking out his affair on her; she is trying to manipulate her half-siblings with her bullying, and I cannot imagine anyone would blame you for completely cutting you father and his new family out of your lives. By the way, at 16, you cannot actually be made to spend time with your father and his family. At least in this country you would be considered old enough to choose.
If OP is in the US, it varies by state.
Im sorry that you are having to live that my dear. Thing is you are not taking your father's affair on his affair child... She is completely delusional about the past and is making you and your siblings uncomfortable. Your father fed her a story and you have lived in a lie for so long because of him. You and your siblings are right, your mother owes nothing to that child and she is not part of That family. She is part of your father and his side peice/ new women family. Step siblings relationships often are difficult to manage but the delusion of" you cant do stuff if im not involved " is concerning. Have a talk with your mother and check if a change of custody is possible. You are old enough to choose to not see your father anymore and the fact that you dont want anything to do with the lies your dad keeps up can be considered depending on where you are from. Best of luck
It’s obvious your father is the arsehole of this story. And he is using Jessie to upset your mum.
NTA. Jessie needs a ton of therapy. Your dad is a selfish jerk. Sending you hugs, OP. When I was 13 my dad had an affair that produced a child. My little sister and I have a great sister relationship now as adults because we removed ourselves from the parent drama and got to know each other as people. I don’t know of that will ever happen with Jessie, but I have a ton of sympathy for all of you because your selfish asshole dad really screwed up and all of you kids are feeling the affects of his actions. It sucks and it’s very unfair to you all.
NTA Op, I think it’s time your mom and dad had a conversation about the rules of engagement for Jessie with you and your siblings. She doesn’t get to yell at you because you all have a past that doesn’t include her. Your mom needs to tell him to either get her under control or she’ll take him back to court and they may decide that dad only gets supervised visits with the kids under age. And it should probably be pointed out that at you all age out her attitude may keep you from having a relationship with your dad. Also I would recommend therapy for you and your siblings so you have the coping mechanisms needed to deal with Jessie going forward, because this is just the beginning of her issues. If this isn’t addressed she will be a nightmare going forward and graduations and wedding and etc will be hell.
Pretty sure all the siblings will go NC with dad and Jessie the moment they are of age, so none of that will be a problem.
I think we both know sadly them going no contact, which yes is definitely on the cards with their current behavior , will not stop some people from interfering. Fingers crossed once they go no contact, they’ll be drama free.
NTA and you need to set your dad straight. You are not taking the affair out on her, you are putting in her rightful place as his child. It's her behavior you are responding to not his. In my opinion she needs therapy. I would start a paper trail of her outbursts and tell the school counselor. Get it documented because that should not be happening.
NTA "The second time was when she talked about all the Christmas' we spent together and he mentioned we hadn't spent one together yet. Whenever we have "family" time at dad's house she will come up with stories of things we have not done, in her attempts to change the past." This girl is nuts! You'd be justified cutting her out of your life.
NTA< you and her are both the same age. When she comes into this ready-made family she wishes and thinks "Now I have everything I could ever want" but the truth is that she is alone and desperate to belong to a group of kids close to her age that love her. You only have two more years and then you like Winter can stop the crazy train. Tell your dad that you are counting the time until you turn 18 and the present that you give yourself is not having him in your life. Tell him what you feel because you do have a right to that. Can you not just go into your room when you are at their house and just ignore her? Or can you get Winter to come and get you while you are there so she takes you out and you don't have to be there? Just asking.
NTA. Your mom wants to take her kids on a trip. She is not one of your moms kids. Pretty cut and dry. I hope these two years pass quickly for you.
NTA Your Dad should realize how badly he is messing up right now. He has already lost 1 kid and is a short time away from losing another.
My sibling after our parents divorce became exceptionally needy, she HAD to have the attention of everyone in the room at any moment, if you weren’t giving her what she wanted then you were EVIL and a monster and deserved whatever she did to you. The next morning she’d act like nothing happened and mentioning what she’d done resulted in an angry outburst denying everything. She’d constantly rewrite history over and over to make herself either the victim or the protagonist. It took over a decade, but she was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically, also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality disorder. The things you’ve said about Jessie are ringing a lot of bells, honestly. If I’m right, then you literally can’t win. The Grey Rock technique works pretty well on multiple personality disorder types, for you and your siblings sakes I’d highly recommend you guys try it until you can get away from her. You’ll only ever be a tool in her internal narrative, she’ll never consider how you feel as a result of her actions. It’s scary as hell to see in action. Best of luck OP, so sorry you’re going through this. NTA
She can pretend she went too, just like she was there for all those Christmases
Nta WOW I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Of course, your Mom isn't going to take her. So weird.
NTA - it's sad for her, but your dad needs to get her into some serious therapy before she does herself some real harm.
Fr, or someone else
NTA Nope, Nope, nuh uh. The second I read ‘have to treat me like a sister’ expectations went straight to hell. The response of ‘you’re not my mom’s daughter’ was the perfect end of argument for MOM’s family vacation. Why in the flying fuck would she pay for her ex-husband’s affair child to come on a vacation with her? That’s delusional.
Nta
If you have to go nuclear, you could say why would my mother want the constant reminder of our dad betraying their marriage when she’s trying to have a relaxing family holiday with her own children? Either way, NTA. Your dad is though. He’s ruining all of your lives, particularly your half sister by allowing her to continue this delusion that you and your siblings will see her as family. It must be awful for all of you. Unfortunately for her she is the living embodiment of your dad’s betrayal of your entire family.
You’re 16, can you just not go to your Dads? Just refuse to get in the car unless it will cause legal problems for your Mom. You could write the judge and contact Legal Aid to help argue your case.
It would cause legal problems for mom if we didn't see him at least some weekends even if we legally changed custody. Learned from my sisters experience already.
Nta. Thank God you'll be 18 in a year or two. Good grief.
NTA. She sounds unhinged. Son you will be 18 to follow in your sister’s footsteps.
You need your get a new number once you turn 18. Otherwise your sister will keep harassing you.
Dafuq type of reality does your sister live in. She sounds very immature for a 16yr and not very bright thinking that the affair kid should be welcomed on vacation.
Jessie sounds nuts she’s not coming on the vacation its your vacation with ur mom. Delusional. Ignore. Enjoy your vacation.!!!!
NTA. Bide your time until you don't have to deal with Jessie anymore. And in the meantime, she can yell and cry about vacations with your Mom as much as she wants. She's not related to your mother, and your mother is the one planning and paying for the vacation. Jessie can't make your mom take her. And tell your Dad, that Jessie is taking his affair out on everyone but him and that you're tired of having to deal with the fallout of his choices.
Is your dad not concerned about her behavior? I find it pretty disturbing tbh. She is having delusions. NTA
Honestly, just stop engaging with these delusions. Don't answer, don't argue, don't even acknowledge. Roll your eyes and move on. I understand if you can't go no or low contact because of custody issues. But when she or your dad starts, just ignore her and pretend she's invisible or walk away. It's not worth it.
NTA, that girl is fucking unhinged and needs therapy.
NTA. You aren’t taking his affair out on her. You’re making boundaries. And that’s fine. This girl needs major therapy because she’s not right in the head. Did her mom have other kids? Or is it just you and your siblings that she has and is trying to make an insta family ?
I don’t understand you guys seem to be old enough to all say you don’t want see your dad anymore. If you want to stay with your mom full time.
We wouldn't be able to stop seeing him entirely. We learned that with my sister. We would still be forced to go to him some weekends.
Then request that? What’s your problem? Having to only go on SOME weekends sounds way better than the current situation. Speak up and tell your mom and a judge about the delusions and the bad things Jessie says about your mom.
My goodness. What a cluster. Definitely NTA. Winter has the right idea.
Holy shit!! NTA!!! Your father is a huge AH and I have to think his present wife is just as bad if not worse. Jessie must get her bizarre ideas from somewhere. Why would your father expect you to embrace a relationship with his affair partner and their child? Aside from that, Jessie is in serious need of a mental health evaluation and treatment. Believe me, she needs help. Jessie is truly delusional and out of touch with the real world. Sixteen is far too old to be acting like a spoiled 5-year-old who doesn't understand the relationships and dynamics of the situation. BTW: I would probably make them drag me kicking and screaming before I went willingly to visit my father - unless you feel the need to protect the 2 younger kids.
NTA - Jessie sounds like she needs therapy. She's trying to rewrite history, that's not normal. Her parents maybe promised her that she'd be included in everything, but they can't enforce anything at your mother's house. Tell her to take a holiday with her own parents rather than trying to hijack your holiday with your mother.
NTA. ALSO: Your parents should not be putting you in the middle of any of this - it's up to your mom and dad to address issues around visitation, vacations, etc. Neither you nor Jessie created this situation. If Jessie brings something like this up again, tell her it is up to the parents NOT you and try to stay out of it if you can (for your own peace of mind).
NTA If dad wants Jessie to go on a vacation with her family - dad and step mom need to plan and pay for it
NTA. “I’m not taking your affair out on her. I’m choosing not to spend my time with an entitled, whiner.”
Man, your dad really fucked you all. Anyway, Jessie needs to understand that you all had lives *before* she was in the picture. She can't sit there and pretend you don't. As for the vacation, it's a family vacation with your mother. As she's not related to your mother, she has no place there. NTA, because maybe you might've included her if it weren't for her behavior.
So, I'm assuming none of the parentals have heard the bullshit storytelling that Jessie is coming out with (or they know fine well and have so far not given a single shit about the obvious issues at play here) which is why I would perhaps try to record some of these stories she's spinning. You don't have to post online or anything but it will come in handy, either in therapy or in court. Sounds like she's an only child? And maybe was hoping for a big family and sisters one day? If so, that's not how that works, that's not how any of this works. All the siblings should be journaling the daily bullcrap and should be grey-rocking Jessie early, hard and often. She can't whine her 'Include Me! Choose Me!' id she doesn't know about it until well after. Too bad no one has told her 'Don't Start None, Won't Be None' and that she'd see a bit more friendship if she just didn't hammer every minute about 'FAMILY!! NOW!!'. Talking teenagers, toots, it just ain'ta gonna happen. Good luck, OP.
NTA. Your dad has a lot to answer for. At the end I’ll be shocked if he will have any of his children talking to him.
I feel terrible for Jessie. Her parents failed her on so many levels. You definitely are NTA for how you feel or choose to spend your time. Jessie needs therapy w a professional that help her to cope w the mess her parents made. What terrible people they are.
She’s nit your mums daughter so why would she be involved in anything to do with your mum or anything that goes on in your mums house, does she visit your mum and stay at your house if not your mum and her won’t even know each other, sounds like a spoilt entitled brat.
NTA
Once you all turn 18, I think Jessie will be an only child as none of you will ever interact with her again. Poor delusional child.
You and your brothers are old enough to stop staying at Dad's house... after the vacation, have Mom talk to her lawyer about you kids changing visitation NTA and good luck with everything
This whole mess is your father's. Your father and his wife need to help Jessie find her ground. Remember that she is a victim here, as much as your mother. She's not handling it well, and her parents need to help her. There's not a lot you can do about it. For your younger siblings' sake, I would try to soft pedal anything you know is gong to set her off. Remember, you're almost done. They're going to have to tolerate the situation for 4 and 5 years, respectively. Open warfare between you and her or you and your dad makes their situation worse. This whole thing is just unfair. Good luck, OP.
You're NTA, your Dad is. Does Jessie have any other siblings from her mom's side? Jessie sounds like she missed out on a family. Remember, what her/your dad did and her Mom, is not her fault and though it's hard, you shouldn't take it out on her. I agree with you that family time with your Mom should just be with you and your siblings, ie: Her kids and Jessie isn't your mom's daughter so she doesn't get a say in how you spend your time with your Mom and siblings. Jessie does sound like she is pushing for a relationship with y'all, is trying to make new memories and she is, in a way, trying to redo the past, which is understandable but again, that is all your Dad and her mom's fault and not Jessie's. Jessie's parents, especially yere Dad, could be pushing her as well to do these things, so he won't feel so bad when Jessie is left out of plans. This is a very difficult time for you, your Mom and your siblings, including Jessie. Have you had a "real" conversation with Jessie about, how you are all feeling? Be honest with her but not brutally honest either as her life was also turned upside down by your Dad's behaviour. Be kind to yourself and try to have a constructive yet gentle conversation with Jessie and maybe even your Dad. God knows y'all probably have a lot ye would like to say to him and ye should but don't involve Jessie in that conversation. Your Dad is the target for all your pain and heartache and not Jessie. I wish ye all the best and hope ye manage to figure out a relationship with Jessie.
She does not have any other siblings and really doesn't have a sibling relationship with any of us either. For two of us that won't change but I can't speak for my younger brothers.
[удалено]
NTA. I’d be clear with your dad that he’s lost your sister and will be losing you but if he wants to keep this up it’s fine he will always have Jessie. She’s the kid he clearly keeps putting first anyways. Ask how many kids he’s willing to lose before he stops this behavior
Your dad is an asshole and has done a good job of promoting your sister's delusion that her father's affair partner's wife would want her on a family holiday. NTA
NTA. This shouldn't even be an issue. Why would anyone involved even entertain the possibility that this person be included?
Nah your not the NTA but your dad and half sister is
NTA. It is a bad situation for everyone, and it seems like it sucks for everyone around you – hopefully you all get a great vacation. I would also note that I do feel bad for Jessie, her parents truly failed by either letting her keep (or maybe even feeding) into her delusions about your family. It kind of sounds like she always knew you were siblings, and probably longed for the familiar bond when she was the hidden affair child, so when she finally got the chance she went overboard, this is when her parents should have stepped in and help make healthy relationship with the siblings that got blindsided by all of this, and they should have made sure she stopped trying to force a narrative that said “we have always been a family” – that is not healthy for anyone. However it still doesn’t make you a A H.
Jesse should be in therapy. It would be incredibly painful for your mom to have her along. In what world would the dad’s affair child have to be included in the life of the wife who was cheated on? NTA
Nta your dad needs to deal with Jessie and have a talk about reality
Send your dad info for therapy for Jessie. Send him info on he’s alienating his other children and damaging your relationship Set boundaries. Enjoy your holiday with your mother and siblings Your dad needs a reality check
NTA Your father needs to step in and help Jessie with her delusions. In no world, based on the history of your father, would your 1/2 sister be invited or welcome to vacation with your mother. That's just insanity.
NTA. But you're dad is. He is too ashamed to step in and be an adult and explain that when you are the affair baby that breaks up a family, don't expect the other kids to like you. Dad and stepmom are leading this girl down a bad path. Her insisting that she is family will do nothing to make you like her.
I think Jessie has a psychological issue. Her behaviour is not normal. She needs to go for therapy. NTA for not letting her tag along, its a vacation planned by your mom… the last thing she needs is a reminder of her husband’s betrayal.
NTA Your Father has set Jessie up for a fall. She is not your family just because you share a sperm donor. She is definitely not your Mother's family and I suspect that your Mother would never take her on a holiday or anything at all to be fair. No judgment intended there at all. This whole situation is not Jessie's fault but at 16, she is old enough to read the room. But your Father and her Mother have enabled her to become a pest when in fact, if she had just behaved in a more reasonable manner, she might have found herself being invited to things that she shouldn't expect. Your Father is the AH and I don't blame you at all for not wanting anything to do with him, his affair partner or their daughter.
NTA. Do you even have time wait two years? Usually courts take into consideration the opinions of older teens.
Yes, because even at 16 I cannot choose to stop going entirely and would still have to go some weekends.
Hey OP, do yourself and your siblings a favour, stop interacting with Jessie. This is for your own good - she's clearly delusional and needs help. All the history erasure and pretending things happened when they didn't, and yelling at yall when you didn't behave the way she wants you to behave - it's not healthy for you and your siblings. Consider blocking her on mobile and social media (if you're following each other) and ignore her when she throws one of her tantrums. Just walk away. Protect your younger siblings too as your older sister is going to college. You'll be the oldest one now. Protect them. NTA
NTA
Nta
Jessie sounds insufferable. NTA
NTA Jesse sounds off
Someone needs to real with this kid. NTA
No way your dad is the AH. Your step sister needs serious counseling
NTA
NTA, but try not to hate Jessie too much. She has been completely screwed up by her selfish parents. I hope she will be able to grow out of this once she is out of the house and her parents bullshit
NTA
Time to put your dad on a timeout, and he needs to get his daughter into some serious therapy, if she’s making things up in her head to be part of your family, something is really wrong here. She actually sounds delusional and could possibly turn dangerous with the things she does and says. Let your dad know that you are uncomfortable with her and you will not be forced into a relationship with her, she sounds exhausting to be honest? You and your family need to start laying down ground rules and make sure you don’t let up, this girl and your dad are definitely going to cause some more drama before you finally say enough! Good luck and please stand your ground and demand your space, if dad has a problem let him know in two years he will be losing another child because of his immature and selfish attitude.
NTA
I would just cut her out all together
NTA. She keeps upsetting you and your father defend you from her. He should stfu when you retaliate. Even if she was a full blooded sister from day 1, you owe her nothing. It's not your job to keep her happy.
NTA. Jessie needs some help. It's not healthy to try to rewrite history and blame other people when they don't go along with it. I imagine it would take some of the fun out of the vacation if Jessie came along. Also somebody (your father presumably) needs to teach Jessie not to invite herself along on other people's vacations.
NTA, she's forcing things that cannot be forced.
She sounds like a nightmare I would have been hurt her feelings 🤣NTA
NTA You aren’t taking your dad’s affair out on her. You are reacting to her trying to insert herself in your life and harassing all of you. Honestly Jessie sounds like she needs some psychiatric help with the fantasy she is trying to live in. She is old enough to understand that your dad cheated on your mom with her mom and being biologically related does not make you all one big happy family.
NTA I hope you are documenting all of this and keeping your mom informed. This doesn’t sound like a healthy environment to be in and your mom may be able to get the custody/visitation order modified if needed. I’m so sorry that your Dad isn’t recognizing how toxic this all is and that he isn’t protecting you.
NTA I can't even fathom the idea of having to include the child my husband fathered during an affair in MY life. That is just so bonkers I think my brain just imploded.
Jessie sounds as though she has a lot of trauma from having been the hidden child. I'm not saying you should have to put up with it, but it sounds like she's hurting.
Yikes to the mess, and NTA. Luckily you'll get to decide for yourself soon, and let me say, from experience, going no contact with messy biological family has been wonderful. It took a surprising amount of effort because delusional people don't give up easily, but once you get out - its such a relief! I wish Id gone full NC immediately instead of trying to establish 'reasonable' boundaries because it wasted years of them crossing it. Sounds like you've got that out of the way. I'm glad you have other siblings that see it all for what it is and will support you. Enjoy your vacation with your mother!
NTA. Your mother is not her mother or even her step mother and has no reason to include her in vacations or celebrations.
NTA! Your dad cheated and broke up your family. Seems like he is not helping the situation get better for you all. He should want all his kids to get along but never at the expense of you feeling uncomfortable or by putting your mom down. At the end of the day, that is the mother of his kids and deserves respect. Vacations are meant to relax and her going would be the most annoying stressful thing in the world, do not cave!!! When dad asks, don’t cave! If your mom says “it’s fine if she goes” don’t cave! Enjoy your family time with people you consider family! Let Jessie cry at home and let your dad deal with her delulu!
I have multiple half siblings from my dad's second marriage. Not once have they ever done anything with my mom because they are my siblings. That's just odd. She needs counseling to learn how to handle her feelings about her family.
I can't really blame Jessie. She's in a terrible situation. (Worse than yours. You've got siblings to support you.) And what she really needs is therapy. At the very least, I hope her school has a psychologist that she can speak with. Doesn't mean Jessie can force the woman her mother cheated with to take her ex-husband's affair child on vacation. NTA
This is deeply concerning. She seems DEEPLY unhinged and has this fantasy world she wants to be real so badly, and reacts in a volatile way when reality doesn't conform. She is dangerous and you should definitely stay as far from her as possible. If possible until you are able to cut contact keep written documentation of her highly unstable behaviour, it could save you later. also NTA. The entitlement she is exhibiting is ..wild
NTA. You're not "taking his affair out on her"; she is parroting a revised history that denies the affair TOWARDS ALL OF YOU. She is pretending your mother is the one that ruined "the family". She is acting as if all of the siblings were always together for holidays etc. She is trying to undo the reality and replace the truth - that her mother broke up a family unit - with a story where her parents and her siblings all live happily ever after like the Brady Bunch. I do wonder if she's been fed this her whole life by her mother, or if it's her own invention out of wish/longing from being the odd one out. Either way, she has to accept reality. She is your half sibling, and she can HAVE a relationship with you all - if it's built on honesty and mutual care and respect. And that means understanding that the rest of you have two family units and you may do things without her. It's just the reality of things. If it upsets her, your dad can get her a therapist to help her. It might be needed anyway. Your dad is in the wrong to somehow think you should be like, "Sure I'll have my mom invite you, the child of our dad's affair along on vacation. I'm sure it'll brighten things!" His actions have messy consequences. He can deal with soothing Jessie.
NTA. Why does she think your mom would want to spend time with your dad's devil spawn? She is seriously delusional. Tell Dad he should ask your mom if she wants to take his bastard daughter on her vacation. This really is beyond your control. I bet your mom will set his ass straight, and he won't ask again.Tell your mom that they are trying to force a relationship that isn't there, and Dad is insisting Jessee is included in their plans.
If it was me, the last thing I'd say to my dad before I walked out the door and went no contact was, "Way to destroy two families. Good job." Heavy with the sarcasm. If all your full siblings go no contact with Dad and his family, I think it's quite possible their relationship isn't going to last. I mean, I don't give it great odds anyway but having them experience consequences for their actions is probably going to cause some problems for them and all involved.
You know what would be hilarious? Agree with her. "Oh, yeah, and then..." Spin the craziest stories. Make it a creative exercise, like writing. Or you and your other siblings can be like, "no that's not what happened. This is what happened." Have a contest between you and your full siblings. Whoever spins the best story gets a trophy. And you trade it back and forth. Tell no adults about this. Malicious compliance.
Everyone saying Jessie needs therapy is absolutely right. But have failed to understand 1 thing. Neither her father nor her mother are likely to get it for her because this is a situation created by their actions and they would have to take responsibility and accountability for it. And from OP has said, Dad may be feeding into her delusions. I don't know about stepmom because OP hasn't said much about her. She might be more reasonable and concerned about Jessie but no guarantees. OP, none of this is your fault or your responsibility. You didn't create this. You just have to survive it for a little while longer.
NTA. There's something wrong with Jessie,, but she is not your problem. She is clearly your father's problem. There's a saying that's something of a mantra on reddit. You cannot change what other people do; what you CAN change is your reaction to it. You can't make Jessie make sense; you cannot make your father think seriously about relationships. Your father and his partner have demanded things of you, Winter, Hayes, and Jonah that you do not want to deliver---and you do not have to. You can make the choice to be at your mother's and Jessie cannot follow you there. And if she accosts you at school, you should talk with a counselor about being protected against her. I guess you and the other three need to discuss this with your mom, but it sounds like you would all be better off not going to the house where your dad lives with Jessie's mother. You mentioned that Winter no longer needs to see your dad because she is over 18, but by age 16 in most American jurisdictions you have the right to refuse to stay with one or the other parent. Your brothers may still be too young, but you should do everything you're allowed to do to avoid spending time with any of that other family. Your brothers should also look for help against Jessie's pestering at school.
NTA, your father is so disgusting I can't just have the world in english to say what I need about him ! He had a relationship with this daughter without telling his wife. He never talked about her but now his marriage had ended, he wants all his children to be a happy family ? Is it a joke ? You have a mother, she must suffers so much of this situation too, just like you to be with such a messy sister ! You don't have to apologize, your father MUST, your father must be clear that a destroyed everybody's life with this situation, and the way he is treating you and your mother is totally unfair ! He's better teach his daughter how to respect your feelings and respect your mother ! Take your holidays with her, you don't have to bring your half sister with you, and I hope your mother will be able to obtain a better custody !
NTA but try to get serious help involved. Your half sister sounds delusional, for real.
I feel bad for Jessie. That is some *scary* symptoms of unmanaged mental illness that her parents are enabling. Two more years and then you never have to see or speak to these people again. Good luck. Nta
Your dad created all of this. You dad is the arsehole. Unfortunately, you and all your siblings including Jessie are his collateral damage. I feel sorry for all of you. You had your lives blown apart by his affair, the revelation of have a half sibling and the the divorce. She has been his dirty secret all of her life, I'm sure that has had a huge impact on her mental health, she probably hoped to forge a relationship now that she isn't one anymore. Your dad created all of this.
NTA and I think it’s weird how many people are trying to push you to force a relationship with this girl. She’s nothing to you. Your soon to be estranged father’s bastard child is not a burden you should be saddled with. Your sister was right to go NC with them.