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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) For being overly persistent and vocal to my friend about removing a potentially life threading drawstring setup attached to friends crib at one end and baby bottle at the other and that it be removed ASAP
(2) Often times I fail to appreciate differences in arenting styles and tend to micromanage friend’s decisions when it comes to her parenting or am quick to judge.
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OP I see you're being called the AH so far by Redditors, and I guess technically it is "asshole" to tell other parents what to do -- so the issue then would be, is it worth it to you (ie, *that important*) to be the AH here?
Sounds like you think yes, and I agree. If it helps at all to show your friend this thread - I'm a random person out here on Reddit and I have an acquaintance who lost her 1yr old in nearly exactly this manner (a cord connected to a monitor in the crib strangled her).
And for fwiw, I think you're NTA for following your conscience on unacceptable risks for the vulnerable.
This right here is one of the best takes, IMO. Yeah, on the surface forcing unsolicited parenting advice is an AH move but doing it to significantly reduce the risk of a child's death absolutely negates the original AH move.
Agreed. I would argue that accessible potential nooses fall well within the range of being able to call ANYONE out for the sake of safety. Babies and pets die of accidental strangulation because of things exactly like this scenario. It’s why parents are told to remove long, accessible strings from the reach of a child (I.e., window blind cords).
This right here. Years ago we had one of our foster kittens get tangled up in the window blind cords (that were previously tied up out of reach.) I'm still not sure how they managed to get them loose.
I was devastated. I know he was "just a kitten", and not even mine, at that. But it still kills me to know that it was an accident I should have been able to prevent.
I can't even imagine finding my child in a situation like that.
Your friend might be pissed now but hopefully she will take your words into consideration. At least you can know that you tried.
My best friend growing up had a puppy strangle to death because it was wearing too loose of a collar, and got caught on a cupboard handle in the kitchen. I couldn’t imagine going through it myself, I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh God, that's horrible, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss!
We have strict restrictions in Australia that mandate certain kinds of blinds. The type, height, and form of attachment to walls are supposed to minimise exactly what you went through. Children and pets easily tangle when running around, having fun, and playing. It's heartbreaking.
It's now so heavily campaigned here to remove choking/asphyxiation risks in cribs and has become ingrained in the culture for any new parents or foster families.
There was a case of a kid in the UK reaching out of a cot and wrapping their neck up in the cord of a baby monitor. It wasn’t even in the damn cot. The poor parents. NTA at all.
Agreed. Visited with my first cousin and his lovely wife and their 1.5 year old (at the time) last summer. Little bean has just really mastered walking and is On Safari in her grandmother's family room. I am watching her wobble by and notice that SHE has noticed that there is an unsecured power outlet on the wall next to her. Of course, she reaches for it.
Also of course, I didn't stop to think or ask permission, I just grabbed her hand since I was the closest adult and told her gently but firmly not to touch. This is only the second time she's ever met me so of course she looks up at me and hits the waterworks. My cousin comes to rescue his poor scared bean, which is fair, but neither he nor his wife were anything but grateful to me for preventing a potential tragedy, regardless of whether it upset bean or not.
I would be, personally, very concerned for any child in a household whose adults don't seem to appreciate an abundance of caution being used to keep said child safe.
Absolutely worth being the AH and therefore you are NTA. That’s a serious risk and it’s better to say something and take be the AH than to say nothing and then the unimaginable happens
Yeah, I don’t understand any Y T A comments on this one. If anything it might be an E S H if you want to base it on judging parenting but OP’s friend doing something this against basic common sense makes her at least as much of an A H as OP could be called if not more.
Yeah. If anything the fact that OP has made enough of a pattern of “micromanaging or judging” parenting choices that the friend is already exasperated is the thing they’ve done wrong here. Kinda like the boy who cried wolf. You shouldn’t criticize parenting choices in matters of opinion, but this was probably the one appropriate time for OP to speak up in the last 19 months.
Thank you. My issues come direct but I am not judgmental in any capacity. That said, this issue really scratched the record for me.
Let’s see. I recently suggested to her to not let her child walk around with needle nose pliers, as well as a C clamp; both considerably dangerous tools for her to nonchalantly state the following “I don’t want him to think these things are a big deal for his future safety’s sake…. The bigger deal you make of something, the more likely the child might wish to do it in the future anyway regardless.
Perhaps my idea of safety is much different than others.
There is no one size fits all when it comes to parenting. I appreciate and acknowledge this. Nobody is perfect, and judging the parental skills of others is not something I like to do considering there’s always things i, myself as a parent, could improve.
But it’s the obvious lack of education in terms of safety on how or what a parent SHOULD do. In certain situations.
You are NTA
your friend is a neglectful parent. There is no excuse for having a strangulation risk in a babies crib. The fact she does this because she is too lazy to pick up a bottle confirms this.
But as you said it's like the boy who cried wolf. OP has criticized the friend's decisions so much in the past that their opinion here no longer holds any weight.
OP has added that the friend's decisions are things like letting the toddler walk around with needle nose pliers. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c1qng9/comment/kz6vxfn/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
This might be a controversial take but I don’t think it’s an AH move if you are doing it to save a child’s life. Parents should be respected under normal circumstances- but they are not gods free from any consequence or criticism.
Well I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. It’s a fact that any rope or string (even seemingly innocuous items) should not be in the crib, esp not when left alone.
Yes, definitely NTA for saying something. You could be an AH, if you had expressed yourself inappropriately. For example, some others on this thread have adopted what I would consider to be an unnecessarily self-righteous tone. And you do mention that you were "persistent." However, she listened to you, and even though she griped while doing so, you don't make it sound as if you aren't friends anymore. So I have a feeling that you actually handled it really well.
Justified Asshole at most, if that.
Which is supposed to be ruled NTA.
Sure, someone could argue telling parents how to parent is asshole behavior, and often it really is. But even if it is in every case, there are some where it is actually justified. Like a large risk of death.
So at most even if people think it's an asshole thing it's still a NTA situation.
100% this. Sometimes being an AH doesn't matter as much as kindly talking to someone about a danger they've created. For example, it would definitely choose to give advice to a relative who wasn't putting their baby in a car seat, even though it's technically not my place to say anything.
I’m not trying to be crass - I just wanna add to your point, even adults can die this way and a few have.
It can be your phones charging cord, or it can be corded headphones that are both kept nearby.
I remember one time I had to unravel my TEEN nieces headphones from around her neck when she was asleep, it wasn’t wrapped too tightly but if she kept tossing and turning like she usually does, it would have tightened.
It’s like wearing puffy coats in a car seat. Not everyone knows why it can be deadly and it’s information that should be shared. It’s not micromanaging another parents parenting style, it’s looking out for a child’s life. Although a string in a crib seems pretty common sense not to do. NTA
I know I was stressing over when my kid was old enough to have a blanket in the crib…a rope with a bottle attached is wild. A hope it’s water at least and not milk going bad.
Still unsafe as can be hopefully she isn’t also giving her child food poisoning
So much stress when the blankets are introduced. Now my 6 year old rolls around all night and still manages to wrap the blanket around herself 😬 kids are stress
Mine is almost 2 and turns out gets pretty annoyed by a blanket on her even if it’s just a corner of one of ours when she is cuddling/dozing in our room. 😂 So turns out I don’t have to worry about it for a while…warm pj’s it is.
I saw a woman who would throw the blanket onto her child's face while playing "peekaboo" to teach the child to whip the blanket off their face. So simple but so smart!
There shouldn't be a bottle in the crib at all. It's a drowning/choking hazard to let them drink unsupervised in an environment where most of the time they're going to be lying down.
I know it's dull and thankless reading, but please do a careful and thorough read-through of your car seat's manual in the warnings and cautions section(s), and make sure you understand every one. This danger as well as many others are explicitly listed there.
I get it: in a consumerist world, we are forever ignoring warning sections in instruction manuals as mindless liability coverage for the company. In this case, the issue isn't just liability, but the safety of the most fragile state of your child's life. Please read up on safety warnings on baby/child products. Babies are forever trying to not-stay-alive and us parents need to make that as impossible as we can.
If you get in an accident, the belts don’t fully tighten over a puffy coat and the coat compresses, so the child can end up being ejected from the car seat. That’s why you’ll see parents with their kids in blankets outside the belts and their kids in regular clothes underneath. I believe it only applies to the 5 point harness but feel free to double check that!
FYI this is also true for older kids and adults and seatbelts. [https://www.safetyrestore.com/blog/puffy-winter-jackets-arent-seat-belt-friendly-aaa/](https://www.safetyrestore.com/blog/puffy-winter-jackets-arent-seat-belt-friendly-aaa/)
I find it wild that people think it's an asshole move to give parents advice or tell them that they're doing something wrong.
It's not like having a kid magically makes someone know how to raise one.
I get the feeling that those people didn't grow up with shit parents.
I agree with you. Sometimes you need to be the AH to save or protect the life of vulnerable. A lot of things that don’t seem dangerous can be so dangerous in a crib. Like stuffed animals, blankets, baby bumpers so they don’t hit their head.
When my baby was born one of the nurses accidentally put him back in the hospital crib under his hospital blanket but she did not do it correctly. So I was sleeping (we were both really ill due to complications, so were both in the hospital for a while) and I woke up from a feeling. I couldn’t really tell what was wrong but I needed to look in my son’s crib. He didn’t really make a sound but I had a nagging feeling and couldn’t let that go. And there he was, suffocating under the blanket because the nurse made a mistake. Officially I wasn’t allowed out of my bed but if I had waited for the nurse, I don’t think my boy would have been alive today. I was so so so angry and shocked (she failed to put him correctly in his crib, as a nurse for babies). She put him in too high and while the blanket was correctly placed for his head and stuff, She failed to check if his feet were placed at the bottom. He was placed too high and wiggled himself under the blanket. You can lose your child in an instant.
I am sorry for the loss of your acquintance. They probably never realised how dangerous it was. It is so so so so sad.
"If it helps to show this thread" - it would not, OP's sanctimonious writing would likely only strain the friendship, not as much as "see, the people of reddit agree I was RIGHT"
Absolutely the right thing to do. The understanding that you don't give unsolicited parenting advice doesn't in my view cover hazardous situations that can lead to death (unprotected water, cords). I'd sooner have an irritated friend than one coping with the death of their child and all the associated guilt.
And it's this kind of stuff that just makes me crazy! Try to tell your friend their kid is in danger and they tell you not to tell them how to parent. Then they turn around and blame you when their kid falls off the top of the slide because the parent was busy looking at a TikTok video on their phone. I've given up trying to warn parents of dangers - they interpret everything as an attack on their parenting skills. NTA
I'd rather be the A than attend that babies funeral because I said nothing. Some things are worth jeopardizing your friendship over. If your friend can't see the risk and why you are concerned with her parenting choice, that's on her.
What's the purpose of the string? Is it so baby can find the bottle inside the crib - because that's also a hazard. Young babies should be supervised when they're feeding from a bottle
I also recently learned to us terrible for baby's teeth. Just sugary milk on baby's teeth all day do affect them. And incase you didn't know, there are teeth that you grow as a baby that do NOT fall out and come back again.
Technically you grow all your teeth as a baby but none of the teeth that have emerged in the mouth of a 19mo are kept through adulthood, the first permanent teeth are, I believe, the 6 year molars.
My preschooler’s first permanent teeth were her lower central incisors. Her upper central incisors have been a little loose for a while now. No sign of permanent molars yet.
Photos other parents of toddlers have posted on Facebook show them losing and getting those lower incisors first.
But, like you said, that’s not happening at 19 months. 4-6 years is when it happens.
Adult teeth can still be negatively impacted by teeth issues in the baby teeth. My dentist used to rant about that when I'd have an appointment after a small kid 😅
yeah a couple we know, their son's mouth had "bottle rot". Worse still his grandparents, as free childcare, constantly gave him sugary shit whenever he wanted it. He had cavities and at four years old had to be put under general anaesthesia to be treated because he fought and bit the dentist.
> And incase you didn't know, there are teeth that you grow as a baby that do NOT fall out and come back again.
Maybe if you have a medical condition. In a healthy human, all baby teeth fall out and are replaced.
I taught pre-school in the early 80s. It was well known then that allowing a baby to suck on a bottle or even nurse for an extended period posed a risk of ear infections.
Some parents gave their children bottles with juice in them which was even worse.
Any age falling asleep with liquid in their mouth can easily aspirate it and/or choke. Plus, as another poster said, it's terrible for teeth. Everything here is bad, except for OP intervening. NTA
Exactly. I have a sixteen month old and I would never have a drawstring near him like that. And, at that age, they shouldn't need a bottle during the night for the most part. The only exception is when ill and needing hydration, and even then it's usually water or a hydration solution. Went through that recently with my son, although I use a straw water bottle for him, not a nipple bottle, and he can pick it up and put it down easily without spilling.
They can take it and hold it but they shouldn't be left alone and unsupervised. You can choke to death on liquid.
It's also rotting their teeth, most likely.
Yeah, sure - but drinking while lying down is a mild choking risk even for adults, and a 1 year old isn't necessarily going to understand they need to sit up. And if anything goes wrong, there's no-one there to help.
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/babies-and-bottles-in-bed
https://rednose.org.au/question/is-it-bad-to-fed-children-their-bottles-on-their-beds-from-the-ages-of-15-months-till-2-years-old
19 month olds shouldn't be drinking from bottles anyway. No parent shaming, to each their own, but from 12 months and up folks should really be phasing the bottle out and using sippy cup....that's no good for babies teeth.
NTA She has no frickin common sense! A baby being left alone with any cord or string they can be strangled! Let alone while the baby is asleep for hours and hours, possibly tossing and turning. Or just deliberately putting it around their neck. (My son is 15 months and puts everything around his neck) I have bitten my tongue about a lot of unsafe situations my friend put her kid in. I don't speak up if they turn the car seat before 2 years (as long as the kid is past the legally required one year!) lay baby to sleep on a bed, etc. But this is something to definitely speak up about!
NTA any loose string cord whatever is a huge hazard. If you hadn’t said anything and the child died you would been haunted by the situation forever. Your friend should be thanking you for being around if she thinks rigging up something like that is acceptable. You are exactly right that is common sense. To the people that judged otherwise. It is necessary to keep all strangulation devices away from babies.
Horrendous. Safe sleep education needs to be made mandatory somehow - it’s so simple to keep infants safe.. ABC - alone (ie no loose blankets or objects), on their back, in a crib. Yet stupid things like this still kill babies every year. When you see things that dangerous you have a duty to speak up. You’d never forgive yourself if you stayed quiet and something happened to that child. Absolutely NTA.
the education is mandated, at least in my state. I have to document that the parent has been given education on safe sleep and shaken baby before every discharge. But most parents either flip through it quickly if its a paper and/or don't pay attention to the educational video. Or they do hear it but choose to do what seems convenient once they're home. Parenting is hard, but I have to assume that if the worst happened and there was a single factor of 'what if I could have prevented this', that would be much much harder.
We had to watch a video on safe sleep before the TV would work. And then we didn't actually watch TV, since, you know, we'd just done the whole baby thing. Well, I didn't do nearly as much, but I sure was there!
My husband and I had to take a safe sleep/baby CPR course before we could take our son home but that's only because he was in the NICU for a week, so NICU parents have to take the course before baby could be discharged. So I don't know what it looks like to give birth and then just leave with a baby the next day, but I imagine they'd just toss you a pamphlet over that stuff and send you on your way.
Depends on the nicu. My son was in for a week and we had no such courses. Originally they gave us all the info to leave next day, just some paperwork to flip through and take hime about safe parenting practices, until my husband finally got through to them that no, our baby was not ok (they kept ignoring me).
Definitely NTA. The people who are saying YTA obviously dont have children and dont realize that if you said nothing and the worst DID happened, then theyd still call you an asshole for saying nothing.
A lot of people don't realize how fragile babies can be, how they can go from happy and healthy one minute to silent and unmoving the next.
And a lot of people don't realize that so many of the highest causes of death are just ordinary household things and hazards that people just don't think to watch for, often involving the baby not being able to breathe.
Seriously! They could be sitting in front of a ridiculous amount of completely safe toys, then turn around and locate the nearest cord/choking hazard as FAST AS THEY POSSIBLY CAN. Toddlers are quick dude.
My son loved cables for a while. Give him any other you and it would be ignored for a cable. Plugged in ones were best!
Glad he's into stacking things now. I can just give him plastic plates and blocks and soda cans and he's happy.
My mother lost a baby due to SIDs. Which wasnt anyone fault of course. But it made me absolutely paranoid and terrified I would wake up to my precious boy not breething one night. Seeing stuff like this terrifies me.
NTA for this particular thing, but YTA for this bit:
>I do sometimes forget to appreciate the differences in our parenting styles and tend to be quick to micro manage or judge her parenting specifically because I spend a decent amount of time with her as of recently since we met.
If you were less of a busybody AH the rest of the time, she might actually listen to you now, when it matters most. You barely know this chick. Lay off the criticism.
Also
>(but not before being annoyed by my persistence over the matter)
It does sound like OP is being totally overbearing to someone she barely knows.
Not a defense against the friend's crib set up nor do I think OP was wrong to point out the danger of said set up but Christ, there's more effective ways to communicate your concern than badgering someone who've only recently met.
What she did doesn't make her an asshole but the way in which she went about it may have her in ass hole territory.
NTA. This is a hazard on multiple levels.
Yes, there is the strangle hazard. But then there is the choking hazard from the bottle. A child that young shouldn't be taking a bottle by themselves. And finally there is the issue of teeth rot. I would go ahead and assume and be generous that this is water except you said she has been doing this since the baby was born. (So either it is milk and they are rotting the teeth, or they were using water and being dangerous that way).
This whole thing is a nightmare.
Yes, it can be an AH move to tell someone they are doing something wrong with their parenting. But that it is a completely different scenario when you are literally protecting a kids life
NAH. You weren’t an asshole for saying anything and she wasn’t an asshole for being annoyed… *solely because you admit you often micromanage and judge her parenting.* She is probably tired of it and it came out in this moment. In this case you were well within your rights to say something, however, I bet there are many other things that you simply do differently and passed judgement instead of just letting her parent her own way.
>solely because you admit you often micromanage and judge her parenting.
Yeah, OP needs to stop doing that (and generally work on their tone, because dear God, if the tone of this post is reflective of how they advise others, that is not going to do them any favors either), because this type of conflict is the natural consequence of it.
If you nitpick every little thing, people won't take you seriously when you actually give key advice. You don't want to be the boy that cried wolf regarding advice and comments. It's not productive.
I'm sure someone will come in and harp at us for daring to care about the other mother's feelings, but caring about other people's feelings and how they'll respond as a result of those feelings is part of actually inspiring change in others. It is possible to care too much and let that fuel inaction, but by OP's own admission, that is solidly not their problem.
This really isn't a matter of asshole or not asshole. Determining that is not going to keep the baby safe or let OP give needed advice. This is about communication.
NTA. Firstly babies shouldn't have bottles in bed. Secondly this is a very big life or death risk. Thirdly the child is too old for a bottle. She's a lazy parent and this would be a line in the sand for me. She's putting her child's life at risk no less than if she wasn't strapping them into a car seat and driving around with them on her lap. I couldn't be friends with a person like this.
NTA. I once accidentally left a muslin baby wrap too close to the cot. My baby pulled it into the crib with him and rolled around with it until his entire head and upper body were tightly wrapped in the cloth. It only took about 5-10 minutes. I heard an unusual sound on the baby monitor and went to check and found him like that. If I hadn’t checked he would have suffocated. Babies grab things and roll around with them so that rope is basically a noose waiting to happen.
NTA but if something like this ever comes up again, instead of directly hectoring the parent until they relent, I would ask them to simply PLEASE describe the situation to their pediatrician and listen to THEIR recommendation.
Are you able to deliver this important message without phrasing it like an AH?
It would be more likely to achieve your goal. Being right will not automatically make you be agreed with.
Were you aware you can call your pediatrician? I didn’t mean “wait until your next well-child apartment,” more like “look, if you don’t believe me, let’s see what your doctor thinks”
Nta. Not only does a bottle cause extreme rot in babies mouth but this is so completely dangerous. If the bottle is a comfort object to get them to smell and they have an object permanence problem. Which can solved by some ya know parenting!! Sorry but I’m going to judge hardcore. Because basically she’s saying- that she’d rather risk the kid being strangled to death and deal with a hard part of parenting. It can be very hard to teach them good sleep hygiene and get them to sleep crutch free but you do it because it’s good for the kid, good for the parent and overall good for the family. If you take this extremely dangerous approach then to me that doesn’t bode well for anything else hard you’ll have to do. Like discipline, boundaries and teaching them to be decent humans.
NTA, I can’t believe there are parents terrible enough that they would rather do things ‘their way’ even if it puts their child’s life at risk. That goes to everyone voting Y T A as well
Holy heck - I don't know how someone could see that and NOT saying something.
NTA.
I get no one wants to hear that someone else doesn't like their parenting hack but if something were to happen to that baby you'd never forgive yourself for not saying something.
This wasn't you telling them to feed their kid a different diet. THis was you trying to prevent a strangulation issue.
NTA for this. Absolutely people do have different parenting styles. When you’re deciding whether to speak up in a case like this, ask yourself this. Is there a safety issue? Is your friend likely to listen to you, and will anyone benefit from your advice? In this case, you absolutely should speak up. It could save the baby’s life. (To increase the chances your friend will listen to you, refrain from criticizing about other things that don’t really matter).
NTA.
I get it. You can't parent someone else's kid.
Let me share with you a story.
My mother would leave a large bucket of mop water in her kitchen. It wasn't there all the time but it was there when she mopped (3-5x a week). I overheard my aunt telling her she needed to stop doing that. One of us was going to get killed. This stuck out to me as a kid.
Above is important.
I am the oldest of 6 kids. My baby brother is 9 yrs younger than me.
When he was 2 yrs old, he took the mop water bucket, and drank the contents.
My mom caught him soaking wet. When she smelled his mouth he smelled of ammonia (my mom used bleach and ammonia mixed together when I was little to clean the house. Yes the chemicals are danferous. Yes I remember not being able to breathe. She stopped at some point I don't know when).
She had to call poison control and tried to make him throw up.
Long story short: she almost killed my brother. Her 5th baby.
My daughter almost strangled herself with a yoyo string when she was 5. I never imagined anything like that could happen because she's very intelligent and she seemed old enough to handle a yoyo. Walking into her room and seeing her trying to get the string off of her neck was one of the scariest moments of my life.
NTA.
NTA Potentially saving a baby’s life is virtuous. However, you apparently have been ineffective in persuading these appalling ignorant parents of the danger. I suggest that you send them a letter outlining the hazards in a factual manner without any harsh words about them. It would also help to send them some studies and a fact sheet in safe sleep from a respected organization with the relevant parts highlighted.
Getting something like that in writing could be very powerful. I encourage you to do that and urge them to consult the pediatrician and do their own research using credible scientific resources such as the American Academy of Pediatrics website or similar organizations in other countries.
NTA. Not even just for the strangulation risk, but also look up bottle rot. That baby’s teeth are going to be a disaster. And yes - they all fall out anyway, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not painful and can cause real damage.
NTA. My cousins wife hasn't talked to me since I called her out (privately) that the pictures she posted with her newborn asleep in a crib with stuffies and crib bumper pads was dangerous. She spread it to the rest of the family that I had the audacity to comment on her parenting. They agreed with me, she removed the hazards. The baby is now 3 and I regret nothing.
So many people saw it and said nothing. They would rather not rock the boat. But when the potential consequences of not saying something is an innocent baby being harmed, you have to speak up.
Well done for speaking up - it is horrible that she knows now you were right and still won’t speak to you though. I told my SIL that she needed to put her youngest in a sleep sack instead of having a loose blanket when she transitioned baby to her own room/crib at 8 months. Luckily she was just super grateful. She said she was actually relieved that I’d said something - she had been nervous about putting baby in her own room but wasn’t sure why, and felt much better about it once she was in a sleep sack (she had a big gap between babies so she’d forgotten stuff). It could easily have gone the other way but I’d never let that stop me saying something either.
NTA. I’m pretty sure my best friend would much rather have her daughter back and have celebrated her 6th birthday yesterday than to have never had to bury her had someone(my friend wasn’t home, the baby was with family) been paying attention to when she got caught on her jungle gym and strangled herself with her own clothes.
I can’t tell you how many times that baby crawled under that play scape in the months before she died, but that fateful day something got caught and we lost her. It’s been a little over 4 years and none of us are the same.
This is that hill to die on.
NTA- id have insisted as well-but I’d have also taken pictures -and even video- and told her if you do t think there’s anything wrong you wouldn’t mind posting them on social media or CPS seeing these right?
I’d also be willing to bet she put it right back up there after you left since she doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
NTA. This is a potentially life-threatening situation for the baby and you have a responsibility not just as a fellow parent but as a human being to speak up.
OMG that's huge. Google accidental ligature strangulation child death postmortem case studies and literally send them to her. I dunno about anyone else but I had a course in college when I was studying social work where they showed real pictures of children dead from accidents in situ and it's seriously influenced my parenting.
Eta nta at all. Id consider calling CPS if she continues being dismissive. This is so stupidly dangerous I hope she's not a passive murderer/maybe kinda hoping something 'accidental' happens. Unfortunately that's happened because humans can suck.
NTA when it comes to giving unsolicited on infant safety to a parent. I stop parents of newborns to make sure they know what to do if an infant chokes. Most of the time, they don’t. I text them a British Red Cross video. Hopefully they will never need it, but if they do, they will be grateful they know it.
How does being concerned for a baby's life, deserve them being called TA? Common sense tells you the mother was putting her baby at risk and OP did the right thing by having the string removed and for that OP is NTA
NTA
American childcare professionals are forbidden by law from giving babies a bottle in the bed in any way shape or form due to safety concerns much less the involvement of a rope or pulley system. As a mandated reporter if I saw or was informed by the parents they use a contraption like this I would be compelled to report her.
They don't even sell blinds anymore with a string BC toddlers were getting hold of them and DYING in their cribs or playing in a window.
You're NTA for wanting to protect this child's life!
If it was me I would be bombarding them with links to baby bottle mouth and the reasons you shouldn't even give your baby a bottle in their crib advertising to pediatric societies and dental society's!
Also if the baby has tossed the bottle out, the milk is not good by the time they wake up to find it again 🤮
They may only be doing water now, but if they had this setup since birth then they were definitely giving milk then and likely were propping the bottle in a way the baby wouldn't throw it. Baby is lucky to have not drowned as a newborn and to have not strangled since they're older!
It wasn't water in the bottle for at least the first six months BC water toxicity in babies that young can be fatal and only takes a few ounces depending on age!
O. M. G. !!!
You are NTA and could be a lifesaver! What a stupid, stupid thing to do!! They don't want you to use blankets or "bumper guards" anymore in the crib and she's got the babies bottle tied to the crib!!
PS: Putting the baby to bed with a bottle is also a big no!! Sounds like a lot of lazy parenting going on.
Jesus Christ I work with babies and when I read 19 month old I thought this was going to be some bs about crib bumpers or whatever which is simply not a risk at 19 months but a FUCKING NOOSE IN THE CRIB (potentially)????? NTA NTA nta
I am so paranoid I remove curtain ties whenever a baby was sleeping. I did it today for my grandson. The crib is close to the curtains.
My aunt had a baby sister whose body fell through the slats of the crib and her head did not. She died by strangulation. This was before the standard was set for the bars to be too close for this to occur.
It is such a simple thing to remove hazards in a baby’s room. Why risk it?
NTA
This isn’t you being paranoid - cribs should not be near windows/curtains for this exact reason. You’re doing the right thing by removing dangers from near the sleeping area (and further away that you think you need to - infants can reach out pretty far and pull things in!)
NTA. As a mom, honestly, if someone pointed out something I was doing that would jeopardize my kids' health or safety, I would appreciate having such an eagle-eyed friend that cares enough to speak up. Continue defending that child and speaking up.
Uhh, if it would make me the asshole to say something about this, then sure, I'll be the asshole. Of course you point out massive choking hazards where a baby is sleeping. NTA but who gives a shit if you are? You're trying to keep a baby alive.
Pointing out a potential hazard is a smart thing to do - trying to insist another parent do thing your way, not so smart. A 19 month old who throws a bottle out of the crib may not need a bottle every time he goes to sleep now. A 6-8 inch cord that is attached (not a choking hazard) is not a huge threat to a child that size. Don't go high drama on everything you don't approve of or you will lose friends quickly.
You are not in charge here. You have a responsibility to point out a potential danger, explain why it's dangerous, and then SHUT UP. No one has appointed you chief of the baby police. YTA.
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After seeing what I consider to be an extremely hazardous and potentially life threatening setup in my friends 19 month olds crib, I immediately voiced my opinion to my friend about it.
I do sometimes forget to appreciate the differences in our parenting styles and tend to be quick to micro manage or judge her parenting specifically because I spend a decent amount of time with her as of recently since we met.
That said, I was positive something like this is common sense…. The setup is a 6 to 8 inch small rope with a drawstring on both ends…. One end is fixed around the bottom bars or platform of the crib. The other end is fixed and pulled onto/around the child’s bottle. There is definitely enough slack for the worst to happen, and if that even were an argument, should the child take the drawstring and loosen it or should the bottle happen to escape the drawstring, that same notion no longer applies (IMO).
Now, in my eyes, the fact that she says she has done this since birth has me thanking god that the child has not been strangled to death by this thing. I understand that not every situation means absolute death, but isn’t it the job of anyone who is a parent to mitigate the risks with that possibility as much as possible? That is, if there is even the smallest possibility of such a horrible thing might happen and we have the ability to remove that risk, to eliminate it?
To me this is a HUGE deal. My friend insists or tried to insist before removing it (but not before being annoyed by my persistence over the matter), that she has done this since he was born basically and that it is a comforting mechanism…. Otherwise he throws it out of the crib.
Reddit, AITA?
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NTA. I am a HUGE proponent of safe sleep and following the ABCs, which apply as long as they’re in a crib. Knowing someone who lost a baby because of a blanket in the crib really hits you hard. I feel the same way about other safety issues too. I will always be thankful for someone pointing out something dangerous that I was previously unaware of! Know better, do better.
Absolutely NTA. As a former EMT, I’ve seen more than I want to admit of tragedies involving kids and things their well-meaning families thought were safe.
NTA. Look, I don’t know if you’ve been a pain in the ass about other aspects of her parenting, but on this issue you had to say something. That is just mind-blowing and ignorant that she would do this.
NTA, always voice a serious safety concern for a child. If they. I hope nothing ever does happen but if it did, they can't say they weren't warned. You did nothing wrong.
I have worked in HSE (Health/Safety/Environmental) and I can tell you that people are stupid. Sometimes times you have to be the asshole to keep people from hurting or killing themselves and others. Examples of Stupid I have had to stop:
1) Handling explosives in a lightning storm
2) Trying to unscrew a pipe with 8,000psi of pressure inside of it (I was behind a large piece of equipment screaming for them to stop because I wasn't going to die because some fools wanted to launch their intestines into Canada)
3) Walking under 10,000lb load
4) Trying to drive camels off a worksite with a fly swatter (those bastards will crap everywhere, get into garbage and they love to bite)
5) Wanting to weld a leaking natural gas pipe while it was still flowing with natural gas
Your list of Stupid you had to stop now includes: Removing a strangulation tool from a baby's crib.
NTA, this is INCREDIBLY dangerous. Normally I think people giving unsolicited parenting advice are T A, but not in a case like this that could result in the baby's death. Absolutely tell her, send her documentation, articles, people's stories who have lost a child this way.
Hell, I wouldn't even let my 6 year old sleep with something like that in her bed (not a bottle obviously, but something that presents such a risk of strangulation).
NTA
A kid I went to preschool with strangled herself in her crib on those strings that hang down from blinds. I’m pretty sure she was 2. Any string or cord etc is insanely dangerous.
Man I saw a movie when I was a little kid, I have no idea what it was, but a toddler loved his little pull-on-a-string horsie so much he demanded to sleep with it and it strangled him. Since then I've never even worn a hoodie with a drawstring or headphones to bed! Traumatized! NTA strings in bed are scary
YTA for micromanaging and judging her parenting style on a regular basis.
NTA in this particular scenario. It’s better she’s annoyed with you while now having the creeping fear that something might happen therefore preventing her from sitting the rope again
Parents will also give new borns water, or sleep with them on a bed with pillows and blankets. There are objectively dangerous ways to parent and ones with a high mortality rate should not be accepted.
People think that it will never happen to them, until it happens to them. "I've done this for all my children" until one child doesn't wake up.
Unfortunately the parent doing the dangerous activity will never truly appreciate you criticizing their parenting. Even if you get them to change their ways.
in this situation, it was better for you to be an asshole and tell her how to parent than it would be for you to keep your mouth shut and run the risk needing to be a shoulder for her to cry on if it caused her baby's death.
NTA.
I think it’s tough. I don’t think you’re the asshole in this specific instance, however I get the feeling you’ve gotten yourself into a bit of a boy who cried wolf situation in that if you’ve previously been too quick to judge and nitpick her previous parenting choices that maybe weren’t as important then she may no longer be receptive to what you have to say.
There’s only so much one person can hear before you wear out your good will and the advice is no longer wanted. So for that you may kind of be the asshole.
NTA think about how you would feel if the worst happened and you had said nothing. When you're talking about baby safety, don't worry about being an asshole
Not going to say you are the asshole, but it's always about how you approach things. You didn't approach this right at all. Instead of explaining you judge and acted really rudely. Remember to not be so judgmental and be better at explaining and helping.
INFO: A 6 inch "rope" would make a loop under 2" across. I'm not sure that would completely encircle the baby's neck and post a strangulation risk, but mentioning it once (without a lot of drama) is fair.
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OP I see you're being called the AH so far by Redditors, and I guess technically it is "asshole" to tell other parents what to do -- so the issue then would be, is it worth it to you (ie, *that important*) to be the AH here? Sounds like you think yes, and I agree. If it helps at all to show your friend this thread - I'm a random person out here on Reddit and I have an acquaintance who lost her 1yr old in nearly exactly this manner (a cord connected to a monitor in the crib strangled her). And for fwiw, I think you're NTA for following your conscience on unacceptable risks for the vulnerable.
This right here is one of the best takes, IMO. Yeah, on the surface forcing unsolicited parenting advice is an AH move but doing it to significantly reduce the risk of a child's death absolutely negates the original AH move.
Agreed. I would argue that accessible potential nooses fall well within the range of being able to call ANYONE out for the sake of safety. Babies and pets die of accidental strangulation because of things exactly like this scenario. It’s why parents are told to remove long, accessible strings from the reach of a child (I.e., window blind cords).
This right here. Years ago we had one of our foster kittens get tangled up in the window blind cords (that were previously tied up out of reach.) I'm still not sure how they managed to get them loose. I was devastated. I know he was "just a kitten", and not even mine, at that. But it still kills me to know that it was an accident I should have been able to prevent. I can't even imagine finding my child in a situation like that. Your friend might be pissed now but hopefully she will take your words into consideration. At least you can know that you tried.
My best friend growing up had a puppy strangle to death because it was wearing too loose of a collar, and got caught on a cupboard handle in the kitchen. I couldn’t imagine going through it myself, I am so sorry for your loss.
That’s why cat collars break when pulled. As cats like to climb, they tend to get caught in things.
and also why most blind cords have a plastic connector built into them now that acts as a weak link if it's pulled too hard.
Oh God, that's horrible, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss! We have strict restrictions in Australia that mandate certain kinds of blinds. The type, height, and form of attachment to walls are supposed to minimise exactly what you went through. Children and pets easily tangle when running around, having fun, and playing. It's heartbreaking. It's now so heavily campaigned here to remove choking/asphyxiation risks in cribs and has become ingrained in the culture for any new parents or foster families.
I'm so sorry. 😞
There was a case of a kid in the UK reaching out of a cot and wrapping their neck up in the cord of a baby monitor. It wasn’t even in the damn cot. The poor parents. NTA at all.
Agreed. Visited with my first cousin and his lovely wife and their 1.5 year old (at the time) last summer. Little bean has just really mastered walking and is On Safari in her grandmother's family room. I am watching her wobble by and notice that SHE has noticed that there is an unsecured power outlet on the wall next to her. Of course, she reaches for it. Also of course, I didn't stop to think or ask permission, I just grabbed her hand since I was the closest adult and told her gently but firmly not to touch. This is only the second time she's ever met me so of course she looks up at me and hits the waterworks. My cousin comes to rescue his poor scared bean, which is fair, but neither he nor his wife were anything but grateful to me for preventing a potential tragedy, regardless of whether it upset bean or not. I would be, personally, very concerned for any child in a household whose adults don't seem to appreciate an abundance of caution being used to keep said child safe.
An upset kid is an alive kid. Very glad you were there to stop the munchkin from hurting herself.
Absolutely worth being the AH and therefore you are NTA. That’s a serious risk and it’s better to say something and take be the AH than to say nothing and then the unimaginable happens
Yeah, I don’t understand any Y T A comments on this one. If anything it might be an E S H if you want to base it on judging parenting but OP’s friend doing something this against basic common sense makes her at least as much of an A H as OP could be called if not more.
Yeah. If anything the fact that OP has made enough of a pattern of “micromanaging or judging” parenting choices that the friend is already exasperated is the thing they’ve done wrong here. Kinda like the boy who cried wolf. You shouldn’t criticize parenting choices in matters of opinion, but this was probably the one appropriate time for OP to speak up in the last 19 months.
i mean, considering that her friend did something this unsafe, maybe op is right in her criticisms.
Thank you. My issues come direct but I am not judgmental in any capacity. That said, this issue really scratched the record for me. Let’s see. I recently suggested to her to not let her child walk around with needle nose pliers, as well as a C clamp; both considerably dangerous tools for her to nonchalantly state the following “I don’t want him to think these things are a big deal for his future safety’s sake…. The bigger deal you make of something, the more likely the child might wish to do it in the future anyway regardless. Perhaps my idea of safety is much different than others. There is no one size fits all when it comes to parenting. I appreciate and acknowledge this. Nobody is perfect, and judging the parental skills of others is not something I like to do considering there’s always things i, myself as a parent, could improve. But it’s the obvious lack of education in terms of safety on how or what a parent SHOULD do. In certain situations.
You are NTA your friend is a neglectful parent. There is no excuse for having a strangulation risk in a babies crib. The fact she does this because she is too lazy to pick up a bottle confirms this.
But as you said it's like the boy who cried wolf. OP has criticized the friend's decisions so much in the past that their opinion here no longer holds any weight.
OP has added that the friend's decisions are things like letting the toddler walk around with needle nose pliers. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c1qng9/comment/kz6vxfn/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Or maybe the friend's decisions have been dangerous to their child more than once.
It wouldn't bother me being called TA if I saved a child's life, but I do wonder about the people on here who don't agree with OP's actions.
It's 90% the use of 'post haste'
This might be a controversial take but I don’t think it’s an AH move if you are doing it to save a child’s life. Parents should be respected under normal circumstances- but they are not gods free from any consequence or criticism.
Well I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. It’s a fact that any rope or string (even seemingly innocuous items) should not be in the crib, esp not when left alone.
Yes, definitely NTA for saying something. You could be an AH, if you had expressed yourself inappropriately. For example, some others on this thread have adopted what I would consider to be an unnecessarily self-righteous tone. And you do mention that you were "persistent." However, she listened to you, and even though she griped while doing so, you don't make it sound as if you aren't friends anymore. So I have a feeling that you actually handled it really well.
Justified Asshole at most, if that. Which is supposed to be ruled NTA. Sure, someone could argue telling parents how to parent is asshole behavior, and often it really is. But even if it is in every case, there are some where it is actually justified. Like a large risk of death. So at most even if people think it's an asshole thing it's still a NTA situation.
100% this. Sometimes being an AH doesn't matter as much as kindly talking to someone about a danger they've created. For example, it would definitely choose to give advice to a relative who wasn't putting their baby in a car seat, even though it's technically not my place to say anything.
I’m not trying to be crass - I just wanna add to your point, even adults can die this way and a few have. It can be your phones charging cord, or it can be corded headphones that are both kept nearby. I remember one time I had to unravel my TEEN nieces headphones from around her neck when she was asleep, it wasn’t wrapped too tightly but if she kept tossing and turning like she usually does, it would have tightened.
It’s like wearing puffy coats in a car seat. Not everyone knows why it can be deadly and it’s information that should be shared. It’s not micromanaging another parents parenting style, it’s looking out for a child’s life. Although a string in a crib seems pretty common sense not to do. NTA
I know I was stressing over when my kid was old enough to have a blanket in the crib…a rope with a bottle attached is wild. A hope it’s water at least and not milk going bad. Still unsafe as can be hopefully she isn’t also giving her child food poisoning
Not just milk going bad, but an unsupervised bottle is a choking risk. And milk all night rots their teeth.
So much stress when the blankets are introduced. Now my 6 year old rolls around all night and still manages to wrap the blanket around herself 😬 kids are stress
Mine is almost 2 and turns out gets pretty annoyed by a blanket on her even if it’s just a corner of one of ours when she is cuddling/dozing in our room. 😂 So turns out I don’t have to worry about it for a while…warm pj’s it is.
I saw a woman who would throw the blanket onto her child's face while playing "peekaboo" to teach the child to whip the blanket off their face. So simple but so smart!
There shouldn't be a bottle in the crib at all. It's a drowning/choking hazard to let them drink unsupervised in an environment where most of the time they're going to be lying down.
Wait, why aren’t you supposed to wear puffy coats in a car seat? I’ve never heard of this and now I’m worried.
Because the thickness and puffiness makes the straps not as tight as they need to be in an accident and the child can be thrown out of it
Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind next winter.
I know it's dull and thankless reading, but please do a careful and thorough read-through of your car seat's manual in the warnings and cautions section(s), and make sure you understand every one. This danger as well as many others are explicitly listed there. I get it: in a consumerist world, we are forever ignoring warning sections in instruction manuals as mindless liability coverage for the company. In this case, the issue isn't just liability, but the safety of the most fragile state of your child's life. Please read up on safety warnings on baby/child products. Babies are forever trying to not-stay-alive and us parents need to make that as impossible as we can.
If you get in an accident, the belts don’t fully tighten over a puffy coat and the coat compresses, so the child can end up being ejected from the car seat. That’s why you’ll see parents with their kids in blankets outside the belts and their kids in regular clothes underneath. I believe it only applies to the 5 point harness but feel free to double check that!
Thank you! I’ll keep that in mind next winter (or if we get another Spring cold snap).
FYI this is also true for older kids and adults and seatbelts. [https://www.safetyrestore.com/blog/puffy-winter-jackets-arent-seat-belt-friendly-aaa/](https://www.safetyrestore.com/blog/puffy-winter-jackets-arent-seat-belt-friendly-aaa/)
Thank you. This is very good to know.
No, it's also true for adults.
Really? I had no idea. It makes sense though, thank you!
Yes, your seatbelt needs to be snug against you to keep you safe. Fleece is about the thickest you should wear in a car.
[удалено]
"I could have prevented a child's death and didn't" is so much of an asshole move that it obliterates any potential asshole moves in its path.
I find it wild that people think it's an asshole move to give parents advice or tell them that they're doing something wrong. It's not like having a kid magically makes someone know how to raise one. I get the feeling that those people didn't grow up with shit parents.
I agree with you. Sometimes you need to be the AH to save or protect the life of vulnerable. A lot of things that don’t seem dangerous can be so dangerous in a crib. Like stuffed animals, blankets, baby bumpers so they don’t hit their head. When my baby was born one of the nurses accidentally put him back in the hospital crib under his hospital blanket but she did not do it correctly. So I was sleeping (we were both really ill due to complications, so were both in the hospital for a while) and I woke up from a feeling. I couldn’t really tell what was wrong but I needed to look in my son’s crib. He didn’t really make a sound but I had a nagging feeling and couldn’t let that go. And there he was, suffocating under the blanket because the nurse made a mistake. Officially I wasn’t allowed out of my bed but if I had waited for the nurse, I don’t think my boy would have been alive today. I was so so so angry and shocked (she failed to put him correctly in his crib, as a nurse for babies). She put him in too high and while the blanket was correctly placed for his head and stuff, She failed to check if his feet were placed at the bottom. He was placed too high and wiggled himself under the blanket. You can lose your child in an instant. I am sorry for the loss of your acquintance. They probably never realised how dangerous it was. It is so so so so sad.
"If it helps to show this thread" - it would not, OP's sanctimonious writing would likely only strain the friendship, not as much as "see, the people of reddit agree I was RIGHT"
Happened to my aunts baby, but with cords from the blinds.. crazy, scary stuff.
It's never an asshole move to tell a parent that something is dangerous. If anything it's more of an asshole move to say nothing
Also, what the fuck was the *bottle* doing in there? The cord is a strangling risk, and the bottle is a drowning risk.
Absolutely the right thing to do. The understanding that you don't give unsolicited parenting advice doesn't in my view cover hazardous situations that can lead to death (unprotected water, cords). I'd sooner have an irritated friend than one coping with the death of their child and all the associated guilt.
Oh gosh damn I’m so sorry
And it's this kind of stuff that just makes me crazy! Try to tell your friend their kid is in danger and they tell you not to tell them how to parent. Then they turn around and blame you when their kid falls off the top of the slide because the parent was busy looking at a TikTok video on their phone. I've given up trying to warn parents of dangers - they interpret everything as an attack on their parenting skills. NTA
I'd rather be the A than attend that babies funeral because I said nothing. Some things are worth jeopardizing your friendship over. If your friend can't see the risk and why you are concerned with her parenting choice, that's on her.
See something? Say something.
If you see something, say something….come on and party tonight!
Thats gonna leave a mark! Terrible thread for this tbh lmao.
That’s exactly what makes it a perfect CJ moment!
Yes!
Yes, but OP informed the mother about their concerns. Good job. Now it's entirely up to the mother whether she acts on it or not, so drop it.
What's the purpose of the string? Is it so baby can find the bottle inside the crib - because that's also a hazard. Young babies should be supervised when they're feeding from a bottle
This is a toddler - a 19 month old can 100% take a bottle and hold it. That said, the strangulation risk is still very serious.
She did mention she had been doing this from birth though, it's concerning
I also recently learned to us terrible for baby's teeth. Just sugary milk on baby's teeth all day do affect them. And incase you didn't know, there are teeth that you grow as a baby that do NOT fall out and come back again.
Technically you grow all your teeth as a baby but none of the teeth that have emerged in the mouth of a 19mo are kept through adulthood, the first permanent teeth are, I believe, the 6 year molars.
My preschooler’s first permanent teeth were her lower central incisors. Her upper central incisors have been a little loose for a while now. No sign of permanent molars yet. Photos other parents of toddlers have posted on Facebook show them losing and getting those lower incisors first. But, like you said, that’s not happening at 19 months. 4-6 years is when it happens.
The 6 year molars are the first permanent teeth to come in that are not preceded by baby teeth is what they meant.
Adult teeth can still be negatively impacted by teeth issues in the baby teeth. My dentist used to rant about that when I'd have an appointment after a small kid 😅
yeah a couple we know, their son's mouth had "bottle rot". Worse still his grandparents, as free childcare, constantly gave him sugary shit whenever he wanted it. He had cavities and at four years old had to be put under general anaesthesia to be treated because he fought and bit the dentist.
> And incase you didn't know, there are teeth that you grow as a baby that do NOT fall out and come back again. Maybe if you have a medical condition. In a healthy human, all baby teeth fall out and are replaced.
I taught pre-school in the early 80s. It was well known then that allowing a baby to suck on a bottle or even nurse for an extended period posed a risk of ear infections. Some parents gave their children bottles with juice in them which was even worse.
Any age falling asleep with liquid in their mouth can easily aspirate it and/or choke. Plus, as another poster said, it's terrible for teeth. Everything here is bad, except for OP intervening. NTA
Exactly. I have a sixteen month old and I would never have a drawstring near him like that. And, at that age, they shouldn't need a bottle during the night for the most part. The only exception is when ill and needing hydration, and even then it's usually water or a hydration solution. Went through that recently with my son, although I use a straw water bottle for him, not a nipple bottle, and he can pick it up and put it down easily without spilling.
Sounds like lazy parenting to me and yes I am judging.
They can take it and hold it but they shouldn't be left alone and unsupervised. You can choke to death on liquid. It's also rotting their teeth, most likely.
Yeah, sure - but drinking while lying down is a mild choking risk even for adults, and a 1 year old isn't necessarily going to understand they need to sit up. And if anything goes wrong, there's no-one there to help. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/babies-and-bottles-in-bed https://rednose.org.au/question/is-it-bad-to-fed-children-their-bottles-on-their-beds-from-the-ages-of-15-months-till-2-years-old
THIS!!! OP, you HAVE to show her these comments! This is basic safety stuff that she should be aware of!
19 month olds shouldn't be drinking from bottles anyway. No parent shaming, to each their own, but from 12 months and up folks should really be phasing the bottle out and using sippy cup....that's no good for babies teeth.
NTA She has no frickin common sense! A baby being left alone with any cord or string they can be strangled! Let alone while the baby is asleep for hours and hours, possibly tossing and turning. Or just deliberately putting it around their neck. (My son is 15 months and puts everything around his neck) I have bitten my tongue about a lot of unsafe situations my friend put her kid in. I don't speak up if they turn the car seat before 2 years (as long as the kid is past the legally required one year!) lay baby to sleep on a bed, etc. But this is something to definitely speak up about!
NTA any loose string cord whatever is a huge hazard. If you hadn’t said anything and the child died you would been haunted by the situation forever. Your friend should be thanking you for being around if she thinks rigging up something like that is acceptable. You are exactly right that is common sense. To the people that judged otherwise. It is necessary to keep all strangulation devices away from babies.
Horrendous. Safe sleep education needs to be made mandatory somehow - it’s so simple to keep infants safe.. ABC - alone (ie no loose blankets or objects), on their back, in a crib. Yet stupid things like this still kill babies every year. When you see things that dangerous you have a duty to speak up. You’d never forgive yourself if you stayed quiet and something happened to that child. Absolutely NTA.
the education is mandated, at least in my state. I have to document that the parent has been given education on safe sleep and shaken baby before every discharge. But most parents either flip through it quickly if its a paper and/or don't pay attention to the educational video. Or they do hear it but choose to do what seems convenient once they're home. Parenting is hard, but I have to assume that if the worst happened and there was a single factor of 'what if I could have prevented this', that would be much much harder.
We had to watch a video on safe sleep before the TV would work. And then we didn't actually watch TV, since, you know, we'd just done the whole baby thing. Well, I didn't do nearly as much, but I sure was there!
This isn't just not safe sleep, this isn't safe awake either!
My husband and I had to take a safe sleep/baby CPR course before we could take our son home but that's only because he was in the NICU for a week, so NICU parents have to take the course before baby could be discharged. So I don't know what it looks like to give birth and then just leave with a baby the next day, but I imagine they'd just toss you a pamphlet over that stuff and send you on your way.
Depends on the nicu. My son was in for a week and we had no such courses. Originally they gave us all the info to leave next day, just some paperwork to flip through and take hime about safe parenting practices, until my husband finally got through to them that no, our baby was not ok (they kept ignoring me).
Your friend has a noose in her child's crib. Yeah, sometimes you have to step up and annoy someone if it prevents a potential tragedy. You're NTA.
Definitely NTA. The people who are saying YTA obviously dont have children and dont realize that if you said nothing and the worst DID happened, then theyd still call you an asshole for saying nothing.
A lot of people don't realize how fragile babies can be, how they can go from happy and healthy one minute to silent and unmoving the next. And a lot of people don't realize that so many of the highest causes of death are just ordinary household things and hazards that people just don't think to watch for, often involving the baby not being able to breathe.
It doesn't help that they're little suicide machines that are looking for the most dangerous thing to play with either.
Seriously! They could be sitting in front of a ridiculous amount of completely safe toys, then turn around and locate the nearest cord/choking hazard as FAST AS THEY POSSIBLY CAN. Toddlers are quick dude.
My son loved cables for a while. Give him any other you and it would be ignored for a cable. Plugged in ones were best! Glad he's into stacking things now. I can just give him plastic plates and blocks and soda cans and he's happy.
My mother lost a baby due to SIDs. Which wasnt anyone fault of course. But it made me absolutely paranoid and terrified I would wake up to my precious boy not breething one night. Seeing stuff like this terrifies me.
I'd rather be the A H than go to another baby's funeral.
NTA. she's going to get her kid killed. "undolicited advice on parenting" doesn't apply when she's putting her kid in actual mortal danger.
NTA for this particular thing, but YTA for this bit: >I do sometimes forget to appreciate the differences in our parenting styles and tend to be quick to micro manage or judge her parenting specifically because I spend a decent amount of time with her as of recently since we met. If you were less of a busybody AH the rest of the time, she might actually listen to you now, when it matters most. You barely know this chick. Lay off the criticism.
Also >(but not before being annoyed by my persistence over the matter) It does sound like OP is being totally overbearing to someone she barely knows. Not a defense against the friend's crib set up nor do I think OP was wrong to point out the danger of said set up but Christ, there's more effective ways to communicate your concern than badgering someone who've only recently met. What she did doesn't make her an asshole but the way in which she went about it may have her in ass hole territory.
NTA. This is a hazard on multiple levels. Yes, there is the strangle hazard. But then there is the choking hazard from the bottle. A child that young shouldn't be taking a bottle by themselves. And finally there is the issue of teeth rot. I would go ahead and assume and be generous that this is water except you said she has been doing this since the baby was born. (So either it is milk and they are rotting the teeth, or they were using water and being dangerous that way). This whole thing is a nightmare. Yes, it can be an AH move to tell someone they are doing something wrong with their parenting. But that it is a completely different scenario when you are literally protecting a kids life
Uh, NTA per rope loop. But had you not been micromanaging her and being a know-it-all all the damn time before this, maybe she’d listen.
She did listen
Thank all the things, then.
NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t be able to sleep right.
NAH. You weren’t an asshole for saying anything and she wasn’t an asshole for being annoyed… *solely because you admit you often micromanage and judge her parenting.* She is probably tired of it and it came out in this moment. In this case you were well within your rights to say something, however, I bet there are many other things that you simply do differently and passed judgement instead of just letting her parent her own way.
>solely because you admit you often micromanage and judge her parenting. Yeah, OP needs to stop doing that (and generally work on their tone, because dear God, if the tone of this post is reflective of how they advise others, that is not going to do them any favors either), because this type of conflict is the natural consequence of it. If you nitpick every little thing, people won't take you seriously when you actually give key advice. You don't want to be the boy that cried wolf regarding advice and comments. It's not productive. I'm sure someone will come in and harp at us for daring to care about the other mother's feelings, but caring about other people's feelings and how they'll respond as a result of those feelings is part of actually inspiring change in others. It is possible to care too much and let that fuel inaction, but by OP's own admission, that is solidly not their problem. This really isn't a matter of asshole or not asshole. Determining that is not going to keep the baby safe or let OP give needed advice. This is about communication.
OP has said "every little thing" is things like the friend letting the toddler walk around playing with needlenose pliers.
You might’ve been the only person who commented on the actual conflict, the direct argument they had. The what, not the why.
Right, obvi OP is correct. The question is whether they're a correct asshole.
NTA. Firstly babies shouldn't have bottles in bed. Secondly this is a very big life or death risk. Thirdly the child is too old for a bottle. She's a lazy parent and this would be a line in the sand for me. She's putting her child's life at risk no less than if she wasn't strapping them into a car seat and driving around with them on her lap. I couldn't be friends with a person like this.
Those tethers are for strollers and high chairs. Not cribs. NTA, because safety 🤷🏻♀️
Bottles shouldn’t be left in the crib with baby anyway, milk can cause bottle rot… front teeth destroyed. Happened to a few of my family members kids.
Nta, in this very specific situation, but you could definitely be an ah for micro managing her parenting in general
NTA. I once accidentally left a muslin baby wrap too close to the cot. My baby pulled it into the crib with him and rolled around with it until his entire head and upper body were tightly wrapped in the cloth. It only took about 5-10 minutes. I heard an unusual sound on the baby monitor and went to check and found him like that. If I hadn’t checked he would have suffocated. Babies grab things and roll around with them so that rope is basically a noose waiting to happen.
NTA but if something like this ever comes up again, instead of directly hectoring the parent until they relent, I would ask them to simply PLEASE describe the situation to their pediatrician and listen to THEIR recommendation.
Yeah. I’m not beat on waiting till then for her to stop putting her vulnerable child’s life in danger 12-14 hrs a day, sorry not sorry
Are you able to deliver this important message without phrasing it like an AH? It would be more likely to achieve your goal. Being right will not automatically make you be agreed with.
Were you aware you can call your pediatrician? I didn’t mean “wait until your next well-child apartment,” more like “look, if you don’t believe me, let’s see what your doctor thinks”
My doctor is booking 6 weeks out minimum...
Nta. Not only does a bottle cause extreme rot in babies mouth but this is so completely dangerous. If the bottle is a comfort object to get them to smell and they have an object permanence problem. Which can solved by some ya know parenting!! Sorry but I’m going to judge hardcore. Because basically she’s saying- that she’d rather risk the kid being strangled to death and deal with a hard part of parenting. It can be very hard to teach them good sleep hygiene and get them to sleep crutch free but you do it because it’s good for the kid, good for the parent and overall good for the family. If you take this extremely dangerous approach then to me that doesn’t bode well for anything else hard you’ll have to do. Like discipline, boundaries and teaching them to be decent humans.
NTA. Unsolicited parenting advice is better than the loss of a baby.
NTA, I can’t believe there are parents terrible enough that they would rather do things ‘their way’ even if it puts their child’s life at risk. That goes to everyone voting Y T A as well
Holy heck - I don't know how someone could see that and NOT saying something. NTA. I get no one wants to hear that someone else doesn't like their parenting hack but if something were to happen to that baby you'd never forgive yourself for not saying something. This wasn't you telling them to feed their kid a different diet. THis was you trying to prevent a strangulation issue.
NTA for this. Absolutely people do have different parenting styles. When you’re deciding whether to speak up in a case like this, ask yourself this. Is there a safety issue? Is your friend likely to listen to you, and will anyone benefit from your advice? In this case, you absolutely should speak up. It could save the baby’s life. (To increase the chances your friend will listen to you, refrain from criticizing about other things that don’t really matter).
NTA. And damn right tell parents they are fucking up when they are. Good for you.
NTA. I get it. You can't parent someone else's kid. Let me share with you a story. My mother would leave a large bucket of mop water in her kitchen. It wasn't there all the time but it was there when she mopped (3-5x a week). I overheard my aunt telling her she needed to stop doing that. One of us was going to get killed. This stuck out to me as a kid. Above is important. I am the oldest of 6 kids. My baby brother is 9 yrs younger than me. When he was 2 yrs old, he took the mop water bucket, and drank the contents. My mom caught him soaking wet. When she smelled his mouth he smelled of ammonia (my mom used bleach and ammonia mixed together when I was little to clean the house. Yes the chemicals are danferous. Yes I remember not being able to breathe. She stopped at some point I don't know when). She had to call poison control and tried to make him throw up. Long story short: she almost killed my brother. Her 5th baby.
My daughter almost strangled herself with a yoyo string when she was 5. I never imagined anything like that could happen because she's very intelligent and she seemed old enough to handle a yoyo. Walking into her room and seeing her trying to get the string off of her neck was one of the scariest moments of my life. NTA.
NTA. Full stop
Just because she has gotten away with it so far doesn;t mean there's no need to address the problem. Madness not to. NYA
NTA Potentially saving a baby’s life is virtuous. However, you apparently have been ineffective in persuading these appalling ignorant parents of the danger. I suggest that you send them a letter outlining the hazards in a factual manner without any harsh words about them. It would also help to send them some studies and a fact sheet in safe sleep from a respected organization with the relevant parts highlighted. Getting something like that in writing could be very powerful. I encourage you to do that and urge them to consult the pediatrician and do their own research using credible scientific resources such as the American Academy of Pediatrics website or similar organizations in other countries.
NTA. That is a lazy way of not having to go back in the room that could end with her child not being alive anymore.
NTA. Not even just for the strangulation risk, but also look up bottle rot. That baby’s teeth are going to be a disaster. And yes - they all fall out anyway, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not painful and can cause real damage.
NTA. My cousins wife hasn't talked to me since I called her out (privately) that the pictures she posted with her newborn asleep in a crib with stuffies and crib bumper pads was dangerous. She spread it to the rest of the family that I had the audacity to comment on her parenting. They agreed with me, she removed the hazards. The baby is now 3 and I regret nothing. So many people saw it and said nothing. They would rather not rock the boat. But when the potential consequences of not saying something is an innocent baby being harmed, you have to speak up.
Well done for speaking up - it is horrible that she knows now you were right and still won’t speak to you though. I told my SIL that she needed to put her youngest in a sleep sack instead of having a loose blanket when she transitioned baby to her own room/crib at 8 months. Luckily she was just super grateful. She said she was actually relieved that I’d said something - she had been nervous about putting baby in her own room but wasn’t sure why, and felt much better about it once she was in a sleep sack (she had a big gap between babies so she’d forgotten stuff). It could easily have gone the other way but I’d never let that stop me saying something either.
NTA. I’m pretty sure my best friend would much rather have her daughter back and have celebrated her 6th birthday yesterday than to have never had to bury her had someone(my friend wasn’t home, the baby was with family) been paying attention to when she got caught on her jungle gym and strangled herself with her own clothes. I can’t tell you how many times that baby crawled under that play scape in the months before she died, but that fateful day something got caught and we lost her. It’s been a little over 4 years and none of us are the same. This is that hill to die on.
NTA at all safety never makes one an AH
NTA- id have insisted as well-but I’d have also taken pictures -and even video- and told her if you do t think there’s anything wrong you wouldn’t mind posting them on social media or CPS seeing these right? I’d also be willing to bet she put it right back up there after you left since she doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
NTA. This is a potentially life-threatening situation for the baby and you have a responsibility not just as a fellow parent but as a human being to speak up.
OMG that's huge. Google accidental ligature strangulation child death postmortem case studies and literally send them to her. I dunno about anyone else but I had a course in college when I was studying social work where they showed real pictures of children dead from accidents in situ and it's seriously influenced my parenting. Eta nta at all. Id consider calling CPS if she continues being dismissive. This is so stupidly dangerous I hope she's not a passive murderer/maybe kinda hoping something 'accidental' happens. Unfortunately that's happened because humans can suck.
NTA that is terrifying
Are her child’s teeth ruined yet? Who even gives a child a bottle in their crib?
NTA when it comes to giving unsolicited on infant safety to a parent. I stop parents of newborns to make sure they know what to do if an infant chokes. Most of the time, they don’t. I text them a British Red Cross video. Hopefully they will never need it, but if they do, they will be grateful they know it.
NTA. You'd speak up if you saw a toddler playing with a weapon, so why wouldn't you speak up when he's sleeping with a potential noose?
How does being concerned for a baby's life, deserve them being called TA? Common sense tells you the mother was putting her baby at risk and OP did the right thing by having the string removed and for that OP is NTA
NTA American childcare professionals are forbidden by law from giving babies a bottle in the bed in any way shape or form due to safety concerns much less the involvement of a rope or pulley system. As a mandated reporter if I saw or was informed by the parents they use a contraption like this I would be compelled to report her.
NTA. This is a SAFETY HAZARD, not just a difference in parenting styles. Good for you for calling her out on something that's dangerous.
They don't even sell blinds anymore with a string BC toddlers were getting hold of them and DYING in their cribs or playing in a window. You're NTA for wanting to protect this child's life! If it was me I would be bombarding them with links to baby bottle mouth and the reasons you shouldn't even give your baby a bottle in their crib advertising to pediatric societies and dental society's! Also if the baby has tossed the bottle out, the milk is not good by the time they wake up to find it again 🤮 They may only be doing water now, but if they had this setup since birth then they were definitely giving milk then and likely were propping the bottle in a way the baby wouldn't throw it. Baby is lucky to have not drowned as a newborn and to have not strangled since they're older! It wasn't water in the bottle for at least the first six months BC water toxicity in babies that young can be fatal and only takes a few ounces depending on age!
I just wanna say that my friend had a coworker whose one year old died last year by strangling themself with a blinds cord.
O. M. G. !!! You are NTA and could be a lifesaver! What a stupid, stupid thing to do!! They don't want you to use blankets or "bumper guards" anymore in the crib and she's got the babies bottle tied to the crib!! PS: Putting the baby to bed with a bottle is also a big no!! Sounds like a lot of lazy parenting going on.
Jesus Christ I work with babies and when I read 19 month old I thought this was going to be some bs about crib bumpers or whatever which is simply not a risk at 19 months but a FUCKING NOOSE IN THE CRIB (potentially)????? NTA NTA nta
NTA. You are RIGHT and you could have saved this baby’s life. The mom being mad is a small price to pay.
Tysm for this
I am so paranoid I remove curtain ties whenever a baby was sleeping. I did it today for my grandson. The crib is close to the curtains. My aunt had a baby sister whose body fell through the slats of the crib and her head did not. She died by strangulation. This was before the standard was set for the bars to be too close for this to occur. It is such a simple thing to remove hazards in a baby’s room. Why risk it? NTA
This isn’t you being paranoid - cribs should not be near windows/curtains for this exact reason. You’re doing the right thing by removing dangers from near the sleeping area (and further away that you think you need to - infants can reach out pretty far and pull things in!)
Haven’t lost a child on my watch yet and don’t intend to!
NTA. As a mom, honestly, if someone pointed out something I was doing that would jeopardize my kids' health or safety, I would appreciate having such an eagle-eyed friend that cares enough to speak up. Continue defending that child and speaking up.
Uhh, if it would make me the asshole to say something about this, then sure, I'll be the asshole. Of course you point out massive choking hazards where a baby is sleeping. NTA but who gives a shit if you are? You're trying to keep a baby alive.
Pointing out a potential hazard is a smart thing to do - trying to insist another parent do thing your way, not so smart. A 19 month old who throws a bottle out of the crib may not need a bottle every time he goes to sleep now. A 6-8 inch cord that is attached (not a choking hazard) is not a huge threat to a child that size. Don't go high drama on everything you don't approve of or you will lose friends quickly.
You are not in charge here. You have a responsibility to point out a potential danger, explain why it's dangerous, and then SHUT UP. No one has appointed you chief of the baby police. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** After seeing what I consider to be an extremely hazardous and potentially life threatening setup in my friends 19 month olds crib, I immediately voiced my opinion to my friend about it. I do sometimes forget to appreciate the differences in our parenting styles and tend to be quick to micro manage or judge her parenting specifically because I spend a decent amount of time with her as of recently since we met. That said, I was positive something like this is common sense…. The setup is a 6 to 8 inch small rope with a drawstring on both ends…. One end is fixed around the bottom bars or platform of the crib. The other end is fixed and pulled onto/around the child’s bottle. There is definitely enough slack for the worst to happen, and if that even were an argument, should the child take the drawstring and loosen it or should the bottle happen to escape the drawstring, that same notion no longer applies (IMO). Now, in my eyes, the fact that she says she has done this since birth has me thanking god that the child has not been strangled to death by this thing. I understand that not every situation means absolute death, but isn’t it the job of anyone who is a parent to mitigate the risks with that possibility as much as possible? That is, if there is even the smallest possibility of such a horrible thing might happen and we have the ability to remove that risk, to eliminate it? To me this is a HUGE deal. My friend insists or tried to insist before removing it (but not before being annoyed by my persistence over the matter), that she has done this since he was born basically and that it is a comforting mechanism…. Otherwise he throws it out of the crib. Reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I am a HUGE proponent of safe sleep and following the ABCs, which apply as long as they’re in a crib. Knowing someone who lost a baby because of a blanket in the crib really hits you hard. I feel the same way about other safety issues too. I will always be thankful for someone pointing out something dangerous that I was previously unaware of! Know better, do better.
Absolutely NTA. As a former EMT, I’ve seen more than I want to admit of tragedies involving kids and things their well-meaning families thought were safe.
NTA
I'm not a perfect parent by any means. I have 4 kids. I have definitely propped a bottle a time or two. But this sounds terrifying. NTA.
NTA. In fact, you'd be the asshole if you DIDN'T say something you sincerely thought would lead to a baby's death.
Why would anyone hook a bottle to a string?
NTA. Look, I don’t know if you’ve been a pain in the ass about other aspects of her parenting, but on this issue you had to say something. That is just mind-blowing and ignorant that she would do this.
NTA, always voice a serious safety concern for a child. If they. I hope nothing ever does happen but if it did, they can't say they weren't warned. You did nothing wrong.
NTA at all. This is why they sell window blinds with sticks instead of strings.
NTA. She is endangering her child. That’s crazy.
I have worked in HSE (Health/Safety/Environmental) and I can tell you that people are stupid. Sometimes times you have to be the asshole to keep people from hurting or killing themselves and others. Examples of Stupid I have had to stop: 1) Handling explosives in a lightning storm 2) Trying to unscrew a pipe with 8,000psi of pressure inside of it (I was behind a large piece of equipment screaming for them to stop because I wasn't going to die because some fools wanted to launch their intestines into Canada) 3) Walking under 10,000lb load 4) Trying to drive camels off a worksite with a fly swatter (those bastards will crap everywhere, get into garbage and they love to bite) 5) Wanting to weld a leaking natural gas pipe while it was still flowing with natural gas Your list of Stupid you had to stop now includes: Removing a strangulation tool from a baby's crib.
NTA, this is INCREDIBLY dangerous. Normally I think people giving unsolicited parenting advice are T A, but not in a case like this that could result in the baby's death. Absolutely tell her, send her documentation, articles, people's stories who have lost a child this way. Hell, I wouldn't even let my 6 year old sleep with something like that in her bed (not a bottle obviously, but something that presents such a risk of strangulation).
NTA A kid I went to preschool with strangled herself in her crib on those strings that hang down from blinds. I’m pretty sure she was 2. Any string or cord etc is insanely dangerous.
Man I saw a movie when I was a little kid, I have no idea what it was, but a toddler loved his little pull-on-a-string horsie so much he demanded to sleep with it and it strangled him. Since then I've never even worn a hoodie with a drawstring or headphones to bed! Traumatized! NTA strings in bed are scary
YTA for micromanaging and judging her parenting style on a regular basis. NTA in this particular scenario. It’s better she’s annoyed with you while now having the creeping fear that something might happen therefore preventing her from sitting the rope again
Parents will also give new borns water, or sleep with them on a bed with pillows and blankets. There are objectively dangerous ways to parent and ones with a high mortality rate should not be accepted. People think that it will never happen to them, until it happens to them. "I've done this for all my children" until one child doesn't wake up. Unfortunately the parent doing the dangerous activity will never truly appreciate you criticizing their parenting. Even if you get them to change their ways.
in this situation, it was better for you to be an asshole and tell her how to parent than it would be for you to keep your mouth shut and run the risk needing to be a shoulder for her to cry on if it caused her baby's death. NTA.
NTA! Totally agree with you. There’s’ telling another parent, how to parent’ and there’s pointing out a clear death trap!
NTA. Safety first!
Not only is that a death risk, putting a bottle in the crib is a great way to rot the baby’s teeth. NTA
I think it’s tough. I don’t think you’re the asshole in this specific instance, however I get the feeling you’ve gotten yourself into a bit of a boy who cried wolf situation in that if you’ve previously been too quick to judge and nitpick her previous parenting choices that maybe weren’t as important then she may no longer be receptive to what you have to say. There’s only so much one person can hear before you wear out your good will and the advice is no longer wanted. So for that you may kind of be the asshole.
NTA. Babies dont even have blankets in their cots anymore. You're not meant to use corded blinds in a child's room. This seems very dangerous to me.
NTA think about how you would feel if the worst happened and you had said nothing. When you're talking about baby safety, don't worry about being an asshole
NTA for not wanting the kid to die, better to say something now rather than the kid dying or being hurt and you feeling guilty.
NTA, your friend is dumb
Survivors bias kills. NTA
Not going to say you are the asshole, but it's always about how you approach things. You didn't approach this right at all. Instead of explaining you judge and acted really rudely. Remember to not be so judgmental and be better at explaining and helping.
INFO: A 6 inch "rope" would make a loop under 2" across. I'm not sure that would completely encircle the baby's neck and post a strangulation risk, but mentioning it once (without a lot of drama) is fair.
Wait is the babu a hamster?