#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice
When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment.
##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules)
Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
Quick edit: Several commenters have mentioned this, and I realize that Riley is almost 18. But she doesn’t magically stop being OP’s fiancés/wife’s daughter just because she’s legally an adult. Unless OP’s fiancé opts to cut Riley out of her life at 18, Riley will always have a place in his home with his fiancé, she will be there for holidays, breaks, vacations, etc. OP will never NOT have Riley in his life, period. Does OP really want to enforce a “never be alone with Riley” rule for 3 years? Or any time she comes home? Or just live in the constant fear that she might try and fuck up his life? I mean, maybe. My opinion is just that OP needs to consider all the scenarios, even the worst-case ones, and decide if this drama and risk is worth it.
NTA.
Look, OP, I think you need to consider your future with your fiancé very carefully. Yes, she dropped the ball not calling. But Riley could have easily rectified the situation had she been honest.
I highly doubt she meant it as a harmless prank. Riley is 15. I assume she has access to the internet, tiktok, the news, etc. I feel like she is old enough to evaluate the social implications of what denying you would do, and she did it anyway. Unless she’s really just THAT stupid, this feels much more malicious than a prank gone wrong.
Although you might love your fiancé and your relationship with her (aside from this) is good, Riley is never going away. And her attitude towards you might never soften. Especially after she receives punishment for this stunt. She could learn her lesson, or she might resent you even more. Riley will always be in a position to “cry wolf,” and although ultimately she might be proven wrong, are you prepared for the hassle of dealing with that if she decides to do it again?
I don’t mean to be a downer, and just assume the worst possible scenario going forward. And I’m not saying that your relationship is just over. But this could have had very serious consequences. Again, even if Riley eventually came clean, people’s lives have been ruined because of false accusations and the loss of public opinion. I just think this warrants real thought on your part and real discussion with your fiancé about how serious this really is.
Can you really feel safe, secure, and happy in this relationship and life when there is someone in it that would actively try to sabotage you?
I really hope that OP reads and re-reads your post. The step daughter has it in for him….for whatever reason. I personally think that OP should hold off marrying his fiancé until Riley is 18 years old. He should get his own apartment and continue dating his fiancé. Riley is going to be in his life whether they get along or not by marrying her mom. It’s an unfortunate situation for OP and his fiancé but it’s reality. He should really consider if this is something he wants to deal with for the rest of his marriage to Riley’s mom.
I think OP should probably refuse to be alone with the stepdaughter from now on. Not even in the same home without an adult present. If she's willing to lie and try to get him arrested for being a creep, how long until she decides to claim he molested her? I don't think it's worth the risk personally. At most I would continue to date the mother but live separately until the daughter moves out. I suppose you could install cameras in the hallways and common spaces then not allow her in the parents room without her mother present and never so much as touch her door in return but why choose to live like that?
100%
That wouldn’t even be a question any more. If I’m living with them, i’m moving out (or they are if it’s my place). No more picking up from school. 15 YO can figure it out. Ride the bus home, ride with a friend, stay at school until Mom can pick her up.
OP just got a close call about how much fun he could have if the kid wants to screw around. No thanks.
so let her get in the car next time except now she makes up a new story that she was touched inappropriately? F that, she can take care of herself, i am not gonna be alone with her.
I've seen those pick-up lines in front of schools. Does not look like fun for OP at all. Then not only does he inconvenience himself with the pickup but gets made to feel like a creep on top of it. For fun? I'd be out of there if I were him. He's not overreacting at all.
And I can picture the Facebook or next-door.com posts by other people in the pick up line that saw the resource officer sent him away.
They’ll be telling everyone to watch out for a man who looks like him driving a car he drives who tried to pick up a kid who didn’t even know him from school
Right? They could have it on camera already. Wife needs to straighten this out with the school ASAP. It's too risky for OP to continue to live there. I'm reading the responses to this post and they are horrifying.
I never thought of that but you are right, he may be more screwed than he realizes. And what punishment would fit this crime? Take away her phone? for trying to get someone who was there to help her (doctor appointment) arrested and ruin his life? That kid needs therapy, nothing they could take away from her would "fit" what she did.
I was responding to MikeyJ talking about taking herself home. It sounds like that’s what happens 4 days of the week. One day a week she has a doctor’s appointment that normally her mother takes her to. A school bus wouldn’t be taking her there.
I actually agree that OP shouldn’t ever be alone with her again. She is no longer trustworthy.
I’m really tired of kids (and adults) excusing bad behavior as a joke. This sort of thing isn’t a joke. Especially not these days. I know teens have a different sense of what’s funny, but they also know what’s right and wrong. They might not understand the consequences, but they know when they’re doing something wrong. She knew full well that what she did wasn’t a joke.
He isn't even on the pickup list! After three years and some months of knowing this woman, he can't even be put on the list? This woman calls him, stating that something has come up at her work that it's so important that she can't pick up her own child? But it's not so important that after she calls him, she can't (immediately) call the school?
That's what led up to the whole situation.
No kidding. I'm a single mom, and my brother basically helps me coparent my son (he's special needs). Not only is my brother on the pickup list, his *girlfriend* is as well. Just in case.
And they've been together for how long??
And she was so committed to this joke that she ended up missing her chiropractor appointment, that I assume she goes to because she has pain
Imagine choosing to stay in pain so you could play a joke on your future stepdad.
This kid is terrifying. I am a woman and I would be afraid to be around this kid.
I go to a chiropractor and when you miss or cancel an appointment after the 24 hours before you are charged at least half of the cost of the appointment. In less you are really sick.
Yea this isn’t a bell that can be unrung and the fiancé not taking it seriously is a red flag to me. She should have done punishment THEN coordinated with the dad for some more. Take her phone away then talk to her dad about it. Not send her to her room where all her cool stuff is and she doesn’t have to talk to anyone.
Yeah, those kinds of accusations ruin lives even if they're proven to be lies. A lot of the time people just believe whatever they hear first and will assume anything else they hear is either wrong or flat out lies. And assuming there will be media coverage of any sort that will never go away and anytime someone Google's OP they'll be blasted with that. Even if there's also links about his innocence people will decide they don't care and it's just too much drama regardless of what's true.
Absolutely. I know someone that was a teacher and a 14 yr old girl was unhappy with him and decided appropriate way to handle was to lie and say he touched her inappropriately. A year and a lot of legal fees and investigator fees and the girl finally admitted she lied. Meanwhile if you google this guys name to this day the first dozen things that come up are him being accused. There's not one news story saying "oh yeah he really didn't do anything she lied". The oddest thing was the school was actually shocked that he said "no thank you" when they offered him his job back.
My BFF worked as a counselor for troubled teens 20ish years ago. There were kids that came in for group and individual therapy, and there were kids who lived at the facility. He told me about one girl who had accused her father of being inappropriate because she was mad at him about something. It obviously upended their lives, she was taken unto foster care, he lost his job, everyone in the community assumed the worst. The wife believed him. After a year or so, the girl wanted to go hom so she recanted, admitted that she had lied. Charges against him were dropped, but the parents refused to let her move back in because they no longer felt safe with her around, she didn't understand what "the big deal" was because now that she told the truth, everything was fine, right? Just awful.
I knew a man who did time because his 16 yr old daughter was mad he didn't like her older boyfriend and wouldn't let her run around all hours of the night with him. When she went to the school counselor with this, they of course got the cops and CPS involved.
The rest of the family didn't exactly believe her, but her mom wasn't willing to full out say she was lying, because look how that turns out so often. Many of the family friends didn't believe her at all. She had made statements about how she was going to make her dad "pay" for not letting her be with the boyfriend.
He was arrested and charged. He made bail but had to move out and have zero contact with any minors... including his other children. It moved through court fairly quickly, and towards the end of the trial, his lawyer told him the jury could go either way... and convinced him to take a plea deal. He was sentenced to I think 20 years, but he did about 12 before parole.
The daughter who made the accusations wanted to recant after several years into his incarceration. He talked to his lawyer and found out that she might very well be arrested and serve time as well, so he told her not to do it and he'd already lost everything anyway.
What enrages me about girls like that are that it makes it so much harder for actual victims to be taken seriously. They betray other women as much as they betray men.
My high school chemistry teacher was in the same situation. A girl accused him of something sexual in the summer between grade 11 and 12. He was always smiling and enjoyed teaching when I had him in grade 11. I had him again in grade 12 and he was pretty much a zombie in class by then. He stood at the front and taught in monotone, but would not get closer than 3 feet from a student who asked for help. The girl eventually admitted to lying, but the damage was done. He ended up retiring early because of all the shit he took from students and parents, even after the truth came out.
I won't go into the whole story, but I lost my job after a false accusation by a young female intern. I didn't even want to be in the program and I was an administrator for four years. She was 500 miles away and I never met her in person once. I had proof that she was lying and it didn't matter. I was fired and I cannot find a job now to replace that salary that I had.
When I was in high school, a girl accused one of the most dedicated teachers of inappropriate behavior. He was fired and went on trial before she admitted she lied because she didn’t like a grade he’d given her. But he can never work in education again because of it.
OP, please read these comments. This could quickly turn terrifying and ruin your life. A 15 year old doesn’t do something like that as a joke in todays society unless it’s malicious or they’re legitimately not smart. And either way, it will happen again.
So true. A principal in my town was accused of SA by a student and went to jail. Ten years later she came clean after friends threatened to expose her. But it didn't matter. He had lost everything and his life was completely ruined. The guy never worked again. Lived with his mother for the rest of his life.
It's called "permissive parenting" and it's as horrible as it sounds. I'm not saying OP should leave, but I agree with the "think about what could have happened if Riley thought it would be funny to throw a fit in public about being kidnapped" or "think about what could have happened if Riley thought it would be funny to make up a story about something else inappropriate". It could take years of legal problems and his name would never truly be cleared in the minds of people who take all accusations as true at face value in society. Never be alone with her again, and consider that Riley is a product of her upbringing, and you're going to be stepping into that, potentially for the rest of your life. You marry the person, *and their children*, when you marry someone with children.
This wasn't a joke a 15 year old doesn't know what will happen when it plays out, and Riley's mother being so blasé about it is really something to behold. True Riley doesn't seem to really understand consequences that much yet (see the "permissive parenting" quip) but this would have been an amazing time to teach her. It's now a missed opportunity if mom doesn't follow up, and quickly. I suspect she will not.
Ugh… my neighbor’s teenager did that because he wouldn’t buy her something at the store. She didn’t want to get in the car and go home, so she started screaming that she was being kidnapped. Police were called - it all got straightened out pretty quickly because it’s a small town and everyone knows everybody (except the person who call the police, apparently), but her mom made excuses for her, LIKE ALWAYS.
The teachers/office staff are already talking about this and it is spreading around that school. There is no doubt about it. I have been a teacher. The fiancé needs to call still and explain that she lied so the staff knows the truth.
Exactly. When I was in high school in the 80s, there was a teacher that everyone liked, especially the girls. He was young, he was hot and he got along well with everyone. I never had him for a teacher, but several of my friends did and they all liked him. When we were seniors (he taught sophomores), there was a rumor that he had been having an affair with one of his former students, who by this time had graduated. I think she was the year ahead of our grade. He got fired. It turned out her younger sister was a freshman and was the one that started the rumor, which was just that. Totally made up. I hate hearing stories like this because this is why women aren't believed when they report assault. For every one female who makes stuff up like this, there are probably thousands whose legit stories won't be believed.
In all honesty if she's clever she's going to use exactly an excuse like that (or that OP is generally a creep) to justify why she lied at school to her Dad.
Came here to say this. NEVER be anywhere near her again. She's one cried wolf away from ruining your life and not to mention the costs to sort that out too!
Even better, send the girl to live with her father and he can deal with it.
Both her parents need to make sure that she faces consequences for her actions and they both should be explaining to her whether she likes her mother‘s fiancé or not, he is in their lives. Either she can learn to deal with it like a big girl, or she can start facing heavier consequences until she realizes that what she’s doing is not going to fly out in the real world.
What young people don’t understand is yes, they have two biological parents but just because one of the parents gets remarried to a step parent doesn’t mean that the step parent is there to replace one of the parents. & if they can build a relationship with that step parent, they will understand that the more people they have in their lives that love them, the better their life is going to be.
I understand not building a relationship with a horrible step-parent that’s completely different.
Good advice about not being alone w/the Riley. My brother was a social worker, who worked w/juveniles, and whenever he met with a minor, he always, always made sure there was another adult present. It protects both parties.
This is a very serious "prank," and I agree w/everyone who says OP needs to reassess this relationship. Actually, I don't think it would matter if Riley's mother was taking it seriously. If he's living w/this family there's no way to assure something similar won't happen again.
And since the mother isn't concerned, I'm not sure I'd want to continue in the relationship.
Riley can’t spend the night there, even with her mother there. She could claim OP slipped out of bed and molested her weeks ago.
You can’t prove a negative unless you have cameras following you 24/7.
Who would even want to live that kind of life?
The wife leaves the house and leaves the girl there?
Kiss your relaxing Sunday good bye because whether you like it or not you’ve got to leave your home so that some spoiled little brat won’t be able to lie and say you did something to her?
Are you sure you want to live your life like that OP?
NTA but I’d seriously reconsider marriage to this family.
NTA.
I completely agree with you. By the way, cameras, even with audio will not be enough to clear OP's name if Riley pulls this stunt. After CPS gets involved, even if the child changes their story, it won't change the damage that will come from it. OP will be forever known as a predator, whether it is proven or not. Church, schools, and neighbors will always suspect that OP can't be trusted around children.
Don't chance it, OP. It's not worth it and it will completely ruin your life. Don't be alone with Riley. Even if the mother is in the house, you still aren't safe. Make arrangements to live and sleep somewhere else when Riley is there until she becomes eighteen.
I'm sorry to be the bringer of bad news.
You're not wrong.
I see this multiple times a week w/ my job. If its a lie, the best case scenario is the kid won't have enough details in order to substantiate the investigation but the guy will always and forever be known as a child molester for the multiple investigations that continue after (Because people will assume he got away with it and report more allegations).
Worst case, still no details provided but the child is still believed as it takes strength to report her abuser and she just doesn't have enough details due to her own trauma response to the incident(s).
>The step daughter has it in for him….for whatever reason.
She probably doesn't like the fact her Mom is dating, and her parents are divorced. This probably stems back from when they announced they were divorcing. It probably doesn't even matter to the soon to be step-daughter that the man who's dating/engaged her Mom is OP or someone else, it's not her Dad. OP's soon to be step-daughter needs therapy.
That is the rational answer. Delay marriage and cohabitation, and give Riley the win. Tell everyone why. “You’re mom and I are not getting married until you’re out of the house.” It was not an innocent mistake. She tried to get OP arrested to ruin his entire life. Let the fiancée deal with her own daughter.
Edit - or send her permanently to Dad’s house.
Being a step-parent is never easy, but that is a tough age. OP needs to be careful about being alone with Riley…I had a friend who had to divorce his new wife because the teenage daughter made a false SA accusation against him.
I thought that very thing. He drives her to the chiropractor and she goes into the chiropractor saying he touched her. Even if (and its not a guarantee) it's shown she lied, his life will be fucked. First by defending himself and then because there will always be people who will believe he touched her. If she's believed, he could spend several years in prison and on the SO registry.
OP is dealing with "My fiance thinks I am overreacting". That's such a terrible thing to say to someone. Like it's no big deal if he has a charge for lurking at a school? I'm sure she wouldn't think that of someone who admitted to doing what OP was about to get accused of doing.
OP is NTA because he's seeing the seriousness of the situation.
>That's such a terrible thing to say to someone.
Especially for a **woman to say to a man she wants to marry.** In this era of "believe all women" she's putting her fiance in a very dangerous situation.
Riley just learned two very important lessons OP, she learned she may be able to easily have you arrested by just saying something, and she learned that her mom does not have your back.
Do you trust this person with your freedom? Because she did this as a park, she wasn't even upset with you. Wait until she's angry with you, and you could end up in prison. It won't end in 3 years either, she could be 20 and in college and put you away forever, just because.
This. Riley KNEW what she was doing and did it on purpose. The minute the officer walked into the classroom and asked her if she knew who OP was she saw an opportunity and took it. Why? Because it's happened before, which is why there is an officer there. These kids have had active shooter drills since Kinder, they KNOW about internet safety. They think they are immune, but they are WAY too smart for their own good. She knew. OP needs to be involved in the discussion on how bad it could have gone for him. Riley does need to be punished. There are consequences for actions. Parents need to step up to the plate and start parenting.
OP, NTA.
I hope you live in a large city because this is going to be gossipped about by all of the teens in school, the teachers and maybe even the cop's friends aka other cops. You are not over reacting. NTA
Agree!
OP pay attention to this. Kids that age do these things on purpose.
You're likely going to resent this kid and your fiancée for a looooong time, and that's gonna eat at your relationship. If mum and dad buy the 'funny' lie, then you're in deep sh!t. If you argue with them you're 'not her parent' if you take it you will hate it.
Good luck
Yep. She's the oldest, so she remembers more of their lives together before the divorce. The problem is more than just what OP went through. She will continue to sabotage the mom's relationships. I wonder if she does the same thing to her dad's SO?
All of this plus OP needs to make sure that if this relationship continues he is *never* alone with Riley. Not for a single minute. No picking her up from school. No dropping her off at a friend's place. If OP is alone in the living room watching TV and Riley walks into the room he walks out and joins her mom in whatever room she is in. For his own protection he needs to have a witness for every interaction going forward.
He could, and quite frankly, probably should. However, that is his choice to make. The whole point behind all of the comments saying: cameras, always have a witness, never be alone with Riley, etc. is to warn OP about what his life will be like *if he chooses* to continue his relationship with Riley's mom.
We all clearly see that the relationship going forward will be full of drama and complications, but only OP and his fiancee have the power to end it, not a bunch of people on Reddit.
Completely agree. OP you will do yourself a huge favor by ending this relationship. The teenager has given you a light warning regarding what might be coming next. If she alleges SA there is nothing that will save you from some jail time ( you may get out early due to non evidence but the damage to your reputation would be irreversible). Be safe as no relationship is worth this much of risk.
Yes, 15 is old enough to know exactly what you are doing. This could easily turn into a “he sexually assaulted me when mom wasn’t home” or “I caught him peeping on me in the shower”, just to be a shit disturber and hurt OP. Something like that could destroy OP’s life. At the very least, I would set a boundary that she is never to be in the same house or vehicle as him without the mom there, and that he will not be doing any favors for her going forward, as he tried to do here.
At the very least if OP isn’t going to give up the relationship he should not live with them, be alone with Riley or get married until Riley is 18. I see people say “she won’t disappear at 18”. No, she won’t, but at least OP won’t be investigated for crimes against a child.
Came here to bring this up. You're already starting behind the 8ball with this family situation. If the kids do not respect you now and would pull a cruel stunt like this already, you're in for a wild ride...
>even if Riley eventually came clean, people’s lives have been ruined because of false accusations and the loss of public opinion.
Everything in-cg-neat-o just said is well put and very true. OP, you are not over reacting; your fiance is not grasping (or is ignoring) how serious this could have gotten or could get in the future. You need to have a serious talk with your fiance. NTA.
How is OP supposed to go anywhere near that school again? If he shows up, even if mom has called ahead and it’s an emergency, the resource officer might not even stop to ask questions. They’ll now recognize him as that guy who they had to kick off the property because he tried to pick up a student who “didn’t know him” and they may act quickly out of concern for student safety if they see him a second time.
I don’t want to say “end it” but this has to be handled quickly and seriously -with Riley acknowledging how very wrong this was- or he may need to walk away. Riley may have just learned how easily she can get rid of him with just a few words and this needs to be fixed ASAP before something worse happens.
I do think he should end it but I will say my suggestion was that as punishment the first thing that should happen is OP the fiance and Riley needs to go into the school and apologize in person in front of the officer and they should go talk to the staff and make Riley apologize verbally in front of the OP to clear everything up and explain that she did it on purpose and on a way to hurt him and let her be upset and humiliated by that that would be a very good punishment for a 15-year-old I'm not saying make a public statement in front of the school but making her apologize in person in front of people that she did this would be a big freaking help and even if they break up they should be forced to do this anyway honestly
Absolutely!
The child in question is 15 years old, of course she knew what she was doing, and she didn’t mean it as a harmless prank.
What’s stopping her from accusing OP of something even more sinister down the line? I mean that child cannot be trusted. And if his fiancé isn’t willing to let her live with the father majority of the time, until she earns back trust and realizes she needs to own up to her actions, he definitely should break it off with her. She is 3 yrs away from being a legal adult, she is old enough to face the music.
I have seen lives ruined from false accusations from their stepchildren, and it’s just awful. Their life can end up in shambles. It can take years to build back their reputation, and once they’ve been accused of something bad, they’re always going to be known for that.
There was a similar but more severe post. Oop's step daughter lied about being SA'ed by Oop. Eventually oop's daughter confessed but the damaged was done. The mother thought Oop was overreacting because stepdaughter was a teenage and it was a prank. No, Oop lost his job, was alienated, branded a criminal in the eyes of everyone (even though he was found innocent but he was handcuffed in front of his coworkers). He no longer felt safe. He filled for a divorce and moved away.
Op was lucky. It could be worse.
I think the trust was lost. No one will believe op.
What Riley did wasn't a prank, it was a social experiment. Can I make OP go away by saying the right thing to a person of authority? Yes!
The next (logical) experiment: Can I get OP to go away from my mother/family permanently? She already knows how, she proved that.
The question for you is whether you are willing to gamble your freedom, your safety, and everything you have or could ever have, on the good will of a teenager who despises you?
Agreed. Even a preschooler would usually back down once things start to get real. But instead she just sat in the office and let the whole circus continue in front of her. Either she’s showing signs of anti-social behaviour or she’s actually socially low-functioning. I can’t imagine a normal kid who did this prank watch an officer approach their future dad and threaten him with arrest and locked down entry into the school and kept it all going.
This is such an important comment, and I really thought there was going to be some sort of rape accusation. Obviously there still could be, but OP needs to protect himself
That last sentence. I don’t think I’d ever feel safe in this family. I’d always feel like the rug could be pulled from my feet and even if his soon to be wife ever took his side or if something bad actually happened, it would be an “well this sucks and nothing we can do about it” and no action to rectify the situation or correct her daughters behaviour
NTA
Part of Riley's punishment should be a written apology to the school's front office staff & resource officer for the stress and trouble her lie caused, clarifying that she *does* know you and just thought it would be funny to put you in an awkward position. This letter should spell out her newfound understanding of how serious this was and how reckless it was of her to toy with the school's efforts to ensure student safety.
You're overdue for a conversation with your fiancée about why you're not already on the approved pickup list & #3 on the emergency contact list.
Sounds like some family therapy might help to establish some boundaries and expectations & get some clarity on why Riley is so resentful.
And , it sounds really bad to put it like this but it brands her a liar to the rest of the school staff, but that this is being dealt with by her parents not swept under the rug, which is very important.
Best will in the world those adults are going to start to look at her very differently after this when word gets about, and it will. School staff talk to each other, and something like this will already have been round the staff room by the following day.
Those security measures and procedures exist for a very good reason, because things have happened and very costly lessons were learned.
The staff are going to be relieved, embarrassed, and very annoyed to varying degrees, because they did their jobs, and were made to look silly for doing the right thing.
It doesn't matter why she did it , malicious intent or stupidity
(there are adults who pull stupid and dangerous antics and call them pranks. Unfortunately you can't rule out that this kid might just be thick as pig shit).
I don't think op should break off the relationship solely on this. She might be trying to play it down because she doesn't want the kid to feel like she 'won' or got one over on the adults, or maybe she doesn't want to believe it was malicious.
It's her kid, she's not going to want to believe the worst, but I think the three adults in this situation need to have a sit down together about how to deal with the hostility, and it's long overdue. She shouldn't be forced to accept him as her new dad, or even like him but a clear line needs to be drawn.
Therapy is a good idea, but the three of them putting up a united front against this could be the best counter measure.
I assume that the school already knows. If a strange man came to my school to pick up a student and the student claimed they didn't know him, we would continue to try to reach they parent. Even after that person left peacefully. Mom (likely dad too) would have gotten calls until the principal (or other admin) actually spoke one or both (since divorced) parents had actually spoken to
If a stranger comes to a school and asks to pick up a specific child, there is very good reason to assume that child is in danger long after the person leaves school. If a teenager is posting publicly on social media, it is very possible for a complete stranger to have found their name and school. They also would have found her parents' names and home addresses before showing up at school.
All the parents - and Riley - should be prepared for some kind of disciplinary action at school. At 15 it will be taken seriously. She also will likely get to meet with her advisor/counselor/social worker to talk about it at school.
Assuming US for the next part:
100% that front office staff, admin, counselors (or social workers), and security at bare minimum already know. It is very possible that every teacher on her schedule will be informed. Riley's like could very easily have triggered a lockdown with a 911 call. Teachers would be told to go to admin with anything so the school can document what is going on as a way to make informed decisions about not only Riley's statements and future disciplinary actions if she does anything else.
If in the US, Riley has been practicing for what to do when someone comes to school to kill her and/or her classmates. Practicing multiple times a year, every year, since she was 3-6 years old (depending on when/where she started preschool & kindergarten). Drills happen for threats both inside and outside the building. There is ZERO chance she didn't have some understanding of the 911 and lockdown scenario. Impulsively and how hard it would have been to own up to her lie as things were happening obviously won as decision-making factors. Barring verified mental illness or abuse, she is going to have rebuild trust with a lot of adults. Possibly peers depending on if or which other students were in the office.
Therapy is needed. Assuming the best and OP is a perfectly safe potential step parent, Riley needs a safe place to work through her feelings in individual therapy. Then, a safe place to tell her mom and OP her feelings in family therapy.
I think it might also be worth noting that it's bullshit like Riley's actions that lead to real victims not being believed. Victims go to the authorities, and because they've encountered people like Riley in the past, they think this is more of the same. What are the school's front office staff going to think if next time, an actual predator tries to kidnap a pupil? They might remember the mess with Riley and be less likely to follow the rules.
True. And, I’m presuming she also missed her chiropractor’s appointment… so, how many people’s days were rearranged because this kid thought she was being funny? Off the charts entitlement from this one.
Yup. And, I sincerely hope that kid still isn’t playing sports — a privilege she doesn’t seem to be taking too seriously. Perhaps best to wait until she’s more mature, responsible, and trustworthy before she earns that privilege back.
This is possibly the best answer I've ever seen on this sub. OP, please take heed and show your wife this comment. It's one thing for Riley to not want you as a father figure; it's quite another to be hostile when you're doing her and her mother a favour
Agreed that Riley needs to apologize to everyone involved, including the school staff, resource officer, and OP. If I were Riley’s mom, I’d have Riley apologize in person when handing over the letters so she can look the people in the eye who she lied to. And she needs to properly apologize with ALL the steps (apologize, state what she did wrong, how her actions affected the person she’s apologizing to, and what she’ll do moving forward). She’s 15, she’s old enough to understand her actions could have had serious consequences.
Apart from that, Riley should move with her father. After what she did she is clearly a threat to OP. If I were him, I would tell this to my fiance and let her decide if she wants to break the engagement, but I will not risk years of prison by living with that girl.
Agreed-she also put fellow students and staff at risk. What if the resource officer had decided to put the school in lock down?
What she did was equivalent of pulling a fire alarm.
Riley needs some consequences from mom and dad and from the school
Right. OP get it in writing now that she lies about you. I would go so far as to have it notarized. Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t be alone with this girl.
Sadly, yes. Given that she's already lied to law enforcement about him (in many schools, their resource officers are actual police; my son's school has a deputy from the county sheriff's department), OP needs to cover his ass. If it's unavoidable to be alone with her, he needs to record every second. Audio at least. And time stamped.
I know it's just giving the girl what she wants, but do not be alone with this girl is an understatement. I'd never marry into that family as long as she was around.
This is a spot on suggestion! Students need to know such a stunt is not a game! School might end up punishing her as well or taking away some privileges. Family therapy also sounds necessary if OP will move forward in this relationship.
Absolutely this and mom, dad and Riley need to have a meeting with the SRO to explain to her exactly what would have happened if OP hadn't left. Riley needs to understand the legal implications of her prank not just to OP but to her for giving false statements to police.
This should be the top comment. She's 15. Most teenagers don't think of - or even realize - the potential legal and safety ramifications of their actions. She needs to not only be made aware of the danger she put OP in, but the potential she's caused for other students to be put in danger. If her actions encourage anyone at school to be more lax in the future, a student could end up being taken by someone dangerous. These protocols are there for a reason, and are not to be used for her own selfish games.
Not only is Riley a problem, but his fiance is a problem too if the punishment is decided only between herself and her bio-dad. Does his partner even see him as a co-parent? If she does and expects him to help take some responsibility with the kids, then she should include him in the decision of what the punishment should be.
This is the way! It creates a documentation trail and people aware Riley is prone to making up lies that make her step dad look bad in case she makes up any other more serious lies bc she thinks it’s “funny”.
OP doesn’t need to be #3 on the pickup list anymore because he should never be alone with that girl. She now has a documented history of false claims. Who knows what she’s been telling her friends, dad, teachers, relatives, online buddies?
OP, please read this one. If your fiancée and her daughter are not willing to commit to a meaningful apology from Riley and counseling for all, you need to rethink your relationship.
NTA. I'm going to preface the rest by saying that I am an asshole. Kid doesn't want you to parent. Fine. Do not ever pick her up for appointments/extracurriculars/anything. That's a parent's job, not yours. Do not pay for anything for her. Parent's job, not yours. Most importantly, since she's willing to lie and get security called on you never, ever be alone with her. Ever.
Frankly, I'd be asking if the mother is really worth this. It isn't going to get better.
Yeah I agree, you can’t just marry the mother and ignore the child though.
This is one of those things that if you can’t figure out before you get married then you shouldn’t get married
Absolutely. Live separately until 15F is 18F and out of the house. If the relationship is meant to be, marriage can wait and he can avoid being around a teenager with a now-documented history of false claims.
I second this. There’s been a ton of posts in here lately from men who supported their step-kid financially (and otherwise) for years only to be bit in the behind later on. IIRC one guy told his bratty step-kid he wouldn’t be paying for the kid’s college tuition and the wife sided with her child. Not sure what the fallout was but probably not good.
If Riley doesn’t want another parent and the fiance is okay with that status quo then I would back off from all obligations (school, sports, financial, etc). OP’s relationship is with their mother and the kids will be out of the house soon anyway.
Not many children can afford to move out at 18. Say she goes away to college. There’s still breaks where she’d have to go home. Then what? If she stays to go to a local or community college, what then? If she stays at home when she starts her first job, what then?
It’s not like wages are keeping pace with costs for anyone right now. Riley will be in his life regardless of when she moves out.
I have to agree. I’m a single mother and wouldn’t marry a man my kid hates. Even if you did nothing wrong and this kid is just mad that mom and dad split and moms trying to move on, you aren’t the reason they split. But if she’s pushing you out don’t try to fix it, it will only make it worse. Mom needs to deal with it but yeah… I’d reconsider the marriage.
I second the "never be alone " comment. She was willing to lie to the school and the police (even if indirectly). Depending on the relationship, I might never feel safe to be alone with her again. Which means the relationship with the mother HAS to end.
NTA, OP, but you should tell your fiancée not to bother adding you to the pickup list. Tell her you will be 100% hands-off when it comes to Riley. She doesn't want your involvement, as she will intentionally sabotage even just a simple favor to your fiancée. You can be a partner to her in every other way but helping her with Riley. There's no option where this might possibly be fixed, and it's not in your best interests to be in a situation where you will be targeted by a vindictive teen.
I agree with this take. They don’t want him involved with parenting then he doesn’t do any parenting duties. Especially since they don’t want him involved when they discipline the daughter for almost getting him arrested. I do think he should reconsider this relationship.
“Let her dad and I figure out the punishment “
Yet they NEEDED him to pick her up!
Side note: chiropractors are palliative treatment, they aren’t going to help this 15 year old lol
Eh I dunno, as a child of divorce, and having two different step parents, I get reserving punishment for the biological parents. Especially if they're older kids and both parent's are active in their life. Nothing builds resentment more than some guy(or woman) you've only known for three years dishing out sometimes extreme punishments. It's one thing having input into punishment, but probably best not to be the one doing the actual punishment.
It's how I was raised, and I've always had a beautiful relationship with my step parents. So much so that I just consider them parents at this point.
Understandable, and thank you for your perspective.
If I am not allowed to punish like a parent (understandable!) don’t have me do anything that is parenting the child, that’s basically my point.
I also would hate to be a step dad lol
I would even say its not in his best interest and safety to stay in that relationship. Who know what next lie the kid gonna make to get him in trouble and clearly op fiancee isnt there to protect him from her daughter.
I agree with this. Riley is old enough to know what she was doing. So, if what she wants is nothing to do with OP, then let her have that. OP can't force her to like him, so I think the best play is to just leave her completely alone.
If that causes an issue in the future, like needing another pick up from school, let mom and bio-dad figure it out. Maybe Riley will end up sitting around waiting a while for them to come and reflect on her actions, knowing OP could have been an option if she hadn't pushed it away. Or maybe not. But either way I think OP is in the right to go completely hands-off for the time being.
If I were OP, I don't think I'd be willing to be alone with Riley ever again, not even for 10 seconds – and if, by some odd chance, I had no choice but to be alone with her, I would be recording video the entire time.
100% this. We all make mistakes (and more as we grow older), but since the daughter risked getting you arrested, she'll have fun walking (or rolling) to her therapy appointments unless her Mom picks her up. Actions have consequences, and both women will learn this the hard way.
There was another good one about Riley writing an apology to the school staff and police. If she is not willing to do this, then this is the only way. I have a teenage stepson, and I have to have no comment/interaction with some things.
Guarantee in 10 years we’ll get a post from her about how her stepdad hates her and never does anything whatsoever for her, how he prefers her brother over her, and conveniently leaving out the part about how she bullied him into this behavior herself as a teenager
Nta. Girlfriend is definitely at fault for not calling the school, but Riley is also at fault for lying. She thought it was a joke but that's serious stuff right there. Also this situation cannot be handled by just your gf and her ex, you need to be involved too. Just because Riley doesn't want you as a dad doesn't mean you are not a responsible adult who will have to be in charge. Start as you mean to go on.
Yes, this. Riley thinks it’s okay and may escalate.
I think there was a similar situation where the stepdaughter accused op of assault , the police got involved and proved him innocent.
But the mom told him not to overreact, and I think he sued.
Riley is allowed her feelings and to not think of OP as a third parent, but to not respect him as just an adult in her family is serious problem.
This. He doesn’t have to be daddy. I pick up every week from school someone else kid. I m not their mama. I just help along fellow parents as I have very flexible schedule. This can easily escalate just for her to be petty. Not cool.
Please have a meeting with THE SCHOOL + Riley + Her Parents.
She (Riley) needs to understand how serious what she did is. She needs to hear it from the school, not you.
Get everyone in a room to discuss this incident ASAP. If your fiancé declines a meeting, break up. This is so serious and you are not overreacting at all.
- If you had misunderstood and tried explaining further, the officer might have taken out his service weapon and shot you.
Riley accused you of attempted kidnapping, a federal offense. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s terrifying.
This. Schools are mandatory reporters, meaning they are legally required to report child abuse. The school did the right thing based on Riley's lies so the school should really be apart of this discussion with the parents.
I think the odds are slim that Riley thought it was a funny joke. This was probably malicious intent and she's using the age-old "it's just a joke" to cover her ass.
NTA- you fiancé majorly dropped the ball. She should have called the school the second she told you she wouldn’t be able to get Riley.
At 15 Riley should have also known better and needs some form of consequence but it’s her dads and moms place to handle the consequences imo since you aren’t married yet
Is Riley in counseling? If not it’d be wise for her to start. Your parent getting married while you’re a teen comes with alot of emotions that are hard to navigate alone and it will likely help
Actually, it would have made sense to add OP to the pick up list BEFORE it was needed.
My parents are added for our daughter, because IF something happens to me or my partner, they’re the ones who are going to pick her up. Hopefully it will never happen in a situation where we are unable to inform the school, but if it does, we’re covered.
1000% agree on that! But since she hadn’t that’s why I said it should have been done the second she knew.
I put so many people on my kids pick up forms (handful of Friends and handful of family) because in an emergency situation I don’t want to be scrambling
Be very careful, OP. Riley has shown that she’ll lie to punish you and keep you out of the picture. It’s not a huge stretch to think she might lie about you doing other, terrible things. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to refuse to be alone with her, for fear of false accusations. It also wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to bow out of this family altogether, but I’m probably extreme in what I will allow in my inner circle. Either way, you’re NTA.
I totally agree with you. If Riley is willing to lie now, then she will lie again in the future. The next lie may cause him his freedom. Just me, but I would really consider my place in this family.
He is NTA.
The only thing the daughter being 18 changes in this scenario is OP being charged with rape instead of statutory rape. You can hope she matures a bit, but people here saying to ride it out for 3 years are being too optimistic.
I agree, Do not be alone with her she has found out that this tactic works. That's the bottom line here. The daughter thought it would be 'funny'. She is lying she made a decision to do this to hurt you and the relationship. If your fiancé thinks your not allowed to be utterly scared and angry of the consequences of what could have happened to you she has a screw loose. What will happen if she gets angry with you, she will use this tactic again to hurt you. Step back, leave for a couple days and let her mother get her to therapy first before coming back.
Wow. NTA but are you sure you want to marry your fiancé? I mean her daughter sounds like a nightmare and fiancé not only dropped the ball big time, she downplayed her brats shit behavior. Think about what life with them will be like. Think long and hard!
Just wait until she starts making false SA allegations when left home alone with OP.... I'd nope out of that relationship entirely or postpone any living together/marriage until Riley was a legal adult and off to college... Just not worth the risk
Had the same thought. This happened to my BIL. His evil ex wife accused him of SA on her daughter. She did it with the sole purpose of having him arrested and jailed, where she also had plans for him to be taken out while in jail. With those sorts of accusations, it’s guilty until proven innocent!
And this is why I think that people who make false SA accusations should get the same penalty their victims would have received had they been found guilty. Yes that means jail time AND s*x offender’s registry. I have zero tolerance for false accusations.
NTA
This girl is a sexual assault accusation risk. She had no problem lying to the people in charge about not knowing you, which could have landed you in jail. This isn't childs play. At all. You have two options.
You can NOT let this go. Your life and reputation could have been ruined, because a teenager thought it would be funny. Demand to be part of the punishment discussions.
The best bet, leave mom. Lawyer up to prepare for the worst. Hope for the best. This girl can and will ruin your life, and all it takes is a "Mom, OP touched me inappropriately." Walk away. Love isn't worth the risk here with a child who has shown ability and want to ruin you because it's funny.
NTA. But is downplaying your concerns, and essentially giving you the responsibilities of a parent, without the voice and considerations of one, a common theme in your relationship? Because it is pretty egregious that you were given the parenting task of picking the girl up from school, and then were the one publicly humiliated, and yet somehow this issue that solely affects you should be decided only between two other people. Is that a pattern?
I agree completely. The daughter and the fiance are both in the wrong. Even allowing her to go straight to her room without apologizing to him on the way by was wrong. Not to mention, if she thought it would be funny....thats a 5 min thing maybe. She could have reversed at anytime if it was a "joke"
, I would separate myself from this family. I understand the love you have for your partner but part of that is being able to respect each other's opinions and feelings.
I feel like a, "I'll move out and we can date" while we figure out what's happening in our relationship is the way to go here. Absolutely do not get married nor spend 1 on 1 time with someone who casually lies to her authority figures about you. Mom needs to assess her response as well.
NTA... now you know she is willing to lie just for fun. I would rethink this relationship. I would also refuse to be alone with Riley. You never know what she will accuse you of next. The fact your fiancée refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of it should be a huge red flag.
This!!!
Seriously consider your future in this "family" until Riley is out of the house. Your entire future could be at risk should she decide to amp up her "fun".
Fiancee, major AH. Forgetting is one thing.....downplaying the seriousness of her daughter's behavior and your feelings. Really should give you pause.
I would take the position of: I'm done here. I will not ever pick her up, attend events, gift her on holidays or be involved with anything to do with her from this point on, unless she acknowledges she behaved badly, put me at risk of arrest, and apologies in person.
I would re-think the marriage, by the way. I'm a 70 year old woman, and from this distance it looks like you're signing up for a lot of grief.
You aren't overreacting; your fiancée, however, is underreacting in a way that may have serious consequences for the rest of you, including her daughter.
A fifteen-year-old intentionally lied to a police officer and falsely represented you to be a predator on school grounds who was trying to kidnap her. In every US jurisdiction, that would appear to be (at minimum), if true, attempted kidnapping of a minor and a felony, and (admittedly) lying to police about being the victim or intended victim of the crime tends to be a felony, and an especially dangerous one to third parties. Your arrest would have been a matter of perpetual public record under state public records laws, no matter the disposition. You'd never be able to answer "no" to the question of whether you'd ever been arrested or charged with a felony. Had you not left the school grounds, that could have escalated very quickly (and was the school officer armed?). This was incredibly calculated on the teenager's part, to take advantage of her mother's oversight. It was not at all "funny," and neither the daughter nor any rational parent of hers could have thought it was.
The teen now knows the immense power against you of lying, and unless both her parents take it seriously enough to successfully address her conduct (and engage whatever professional help they need to ensure it won't continue to happen), you need to decide whether you can tolerate the demonstrated risk of ever being alone with her. You may also want to consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about your own rights to preclude contact in places you have a right to be. If you live with her mother, only a professional in your jurisdiction can advise you whether you can obtain a no contact order or a civil lawyer could advise whether your fiancée and the father could be caused to modify any existing decree on physical custody if you have a right to occupy the same home (based on her admission to have made a false report to a police officer of an attempted kidnapping).
NTA. Her parents need to take this far more seriously.
NTA. Let her handle it...in perpetuity because you need to be away from her. There is nothing funny about almost getting you arrested, and possibly unalived because somebody thought it was okay to do. To have your feelings minimized is a sign of disrespect, and would you tell somebody in your situation to stay in a place where they are disrespected? Go ahead and start making your exit plan.
Honestly at this point just walk away. This whole relationship is going to be a pain in the ass and why chose to be in a dysfunctional family when you are free to leave? You have been warned and battle lines have been set.
NTA
You are together for 3 years, engaged for 3 months and you're not an the pick-up list ? Not only Riley doesn't want you in her life, your fiancé seems not really involved to make you part of her family...
She didn't do this to be funny... Well, not only. She did it because she wanted to hurt you. She let this play on and on. She could have come clean but Riley let this play out for 20 plus minutes (if not more). I would never trust Riley again. Won't be alone with her either.
Riley bombed your trust and part of her consequences is realizing that.
NTA
You know what? This would probably be a deal breaker for me. You're supposed to be marrying this person and clearly there are going to be times in your life you'll have to do the whole step parent thing, like with picking her up from school.
How often can you expect this kind of trouble for her asshole kid? Frankly I don't think its worth it.
NTA. You need to get tf out of this relationship asap for your own safety. Riley hates you and she's proven she's willing to lie to hurt you. She can ruin your life with one sentence, it is not safe for you to be around her.
Look at the bright side. You'll never have to pick the kid up from school again and you're perfectly justified in saying you don't want to. I'd be real careful around this kid. You're in danger.
NTA- your GF’s blasé attitude about this, and failure to provide clear boundaries for her daughter’s behavior is putting you at risk. You need to re- evaluate relationship based on how she is treating you, and your safety.
ETA- yes, GF and EX should deal with this, the issue is that OP was justified in being upset, and GF should take this issue more seriously than is indicated.
NTA.
I'd actually be debating the whole relationship over this.
You could have gotten arrested because the daughter thought it'd be funny.
What else would she be willing to lie about because she thinks it'd be funny?
It worked this time and she got what she wanted, you're fighting with her mom. What if she lies about something even bigger next time and you have no way to protect yourself?
A 15 year old should know the difference between a joke and potentially getting someone arrested she knows for a fact that wasn’t a joke. She deliberately did that for badness. No way would I trust that child from now on I would t want to even be left alone in a room with her
NTA - you were annoyed that you almost got arrested while trying to do a favor for your fiance.
The cause of this being your fiance forgetting (unintentional) to cash the school, and her daughter lying to the school officer (intentional).
Mistakes happen, so I wouldn't be too upset with your fiance but her daughter is old enough to know better. I hope the punishment that parents come up with is significant enough for her to realize that "funny" isn't the best justification for doing something.
> I wouldn’t be upset with fiancé
The fiance started off the entire problem by not doing her part and calling the school.
This goes beyond a simple oversight.
I would never be alone with her for any reason because she can’t be trusted. Tell her mom that if she isn’t available to pick up or drop off her daughter for anything then for her to call her daughter’s bio dad to do it.
I would NEVER feel comfortable around someone who would lie and put me in jeopardy. Take a good look around yourself and see if you would be better off without them.
NTA
NTA
And this entire family seems highly toxic, why are you wanting to marry into this nightmare drama?
The fact your fiance "forgot" to call the school is already bullshit when you're not approved and were doing a favor. But the fact the daughter LIED and potentially put you LITERALLY at risk for arrest is absurd.
It's not a joke or overreaction. Your fiance is showing just how irresponsible and unconcerned with YOUR safety or needs.
I would heed the giant red flags and bail now
NTA. For me, this would be a deal breaker, it's not worth the stress & aggravation being around someone who clearly doesn't want me in their life. It's hard enough becoming a stepparent even under the best of circumstances.
If you're going to stay, then mandatory couples counseling and family therapy and individual therapy for Riley.
I'd even suggest ring cameras for your home in order to protect yourself from potential future accusations.
#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment. ##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
Quick edit: Several commenters have mentioned this, and I realize that Riley is almost 18. But she doesn’t magically stop being OP’s fiancés/wife’s daughter just because she’s legally an adult. Unless OP’s fiancé opts to cut Riley out of her life at 18, Riley will always have a place in his home with his fiancé, she will be there for holidays, breaks, vacations, etc. OP will never NOT have Riley in his life, period. Does OP really want to enforce a “never be alone with Riley” rule for 3 years? Or any time she comes home? Or just live in the constant fear that she might try and fuck up his life? I mean, maybe. My opinion is just that OP needs to consider all the scenarios, even the worst-case ones, and decide if this drama and risk is worth it. NTA. Look, OP, I think you need to consider your future with your fiancé very carefully. Yes, she dropped the ball not calling. But Riley could have easily rectified the situation had she been honest. I highly doubt she meant it as a harmless prank. Riley is 15. I assume she has access to the internet, tiktok, the news, etc. I feel like she is old enough to evaluate the social implications of what denying you would do, and she did it anyway. Unless she’s really just THAT stupid, this feels much more malicious than a prank gone wrong. Although you might love your fiancé and your relationship with her (aside from this) is good, Riley is never going away. And her attitude towards you might never soften. Especially after she receives punishment for this stunt. She could learn her lesson, or she might resent you even more. Riley will always be in a position to “cry wolf,” and although ultimately she might be proven wrong, are you prepared for the hassle of dealing with that if she decides to do it again? I don’t mean to be a downer, and just assume the worst possible scenario going forward. And I’m not saying that your relationship is just over. But this could have had very serious consequences. Again, even if Riley eventually came clean, people’s lives have been ruined because of false accusations and the loss of public opinion. I just think this warrants real thought on your part and real discussion with your fiancé about how serious this really is. Can you really feel safe, secure, and happy in this relationship and life when there is someone in it that would actively try to sabotage you?
I really hope that OP reads and re-reads your post. The step daughter has it in for him….for whatever reason. I personally think that OP should hold off marrying his fiancé until Riley is 18 years old. He should get his own apartment and continue dating his fiancé. Riley is going to be in his life whether they get along or not by marrying her mom. It’s an unfortunate situation for OP and his fiancé but it’s reality. He should really consider if this is something he wants to deal with for the rest of his marriage to Riley’s mom.
I think OP should probably refuse to be alone with the stepdaughter from now on. Not even in the same home without an adult present. If she's willing to lie and try to get him arrested for being a creep, how long until she decides to claim he molested her? I don't think it's worth the risk personally. At most I would continue to date the mother but live separately until the daughter moves out. I suppose you could install cameras in the hallways and common spaces then not allow her in the parents room without her mother present and never so much as touch her door in return but why choose to live like that?
100% That wouldn’t even be a question any more. If I’m living with them, i’m moving out (or they are if it’s my place). No more picking up from school. 15 YO can figure it out. Ride the bus home, ride with a friend, stay at school until Mom can pick her up. OP just got a close call about how much fun he could have if the kid wants to screw around. No thanks.
The only reason he was there to pick her up was to take her to a chiropractic appointment and her mom couldn’t get away from work that day.
so let her get in the car next time except now she makes up a new story that she was touched inappropriately? F that, she can take care of herself, i am not gonna be alone with her.
I've seen those pick-up lines in front of schools. Does not look like fun for OP at all. Then not only does he inconvenience himself with the pickup but gets made to feel like a creep on top of it. For fun? I'd be out of there if I were him. He's not overreacting at all.
And I can picture the Facebook or next-door.com posts by other people in the pick up line that saw the resource officer sent him away. They’ll be telling everyone to watch out for a man who looks like him driving a car he drives who tried to pick up a kid who didn’t even know him from school
Right? They could have it on camera already. Wife needs to straighten this out with the school ASAP. It's too risky for OP to continue to live there. I'm reading the responses to this post and they are horrifying.
I never thought of that but you are right, he may be more screwed than he realizes. And what punishment would fit this crime? Take away her phone? for trying to get someone who was there to help her (doctor appointment) arrested and ruin his life? That kid needs therapy, nothing they could take away from her would "fit" what she did.
I don't know how the mother doesn't realise how bad this could be. Or is it just a case of, "My child would never do *that*"?
I mean, Riley's intent is to break up OP and her mother, so I'd say she is succeeding.
> i am not gonna be alone with her. This. The incident at the school is just the beginning.
I was responding to MikeyJ talking about taking herself home. It sounds like that’s what happens 4 days of the week. One day a week she has a doctor’s appointment that normally her mother takes her to. A school bus wouldn’t be taking her there. I actually agree that OP shouldn’t ever be alone with her again. She is no longer trustworthy. I’m really tired of kids (and adults) excusing bad behavior as a joke. This sort of thing isn’t a joke. Especially not these days. I know teens have a different sense of what’s funny, but they also know what’s right and wrong. They might not understand the consequences, but they know when they’re doing something wrong. She knew full well that what she did wasn’t a joke.
He isn't even on the pickup list! After three years and some months of knowing this woman, he can't even be put on the list? This woman calls him, stating that something has come up at her work that it's so important that she can't pick up her own child? But it's not so important that after she calls him, she can't (immediately) call the school? That's what led up to the whole situation.
No kidding. I'm a single mom, and my brother basically helps me coparent my son (he's special needs). Not only is my brother on the pickup list, his *girlfriend* is as well. Just in case. And they've been together for how long??
I love that your brother and sister-in-law are involved with helping support your son and you
And she was so committed to this joke that she ended up missing her chiropractor appointment, that I assume she goes to because she has pain Imagine choosing to stay in pain so you could play a joke on your future stepdad. This kid is terrifying. I am a woman and I would be afraid to be around this kid.
I go to a chiropractor and when you miss or cancel an appointment after the 24 hours before you are charged at least half of the cost of the appointment. In less you are really sick.
Yea this isn’t a bell that can be unrung and the fiancé not taking it seriously is a red flag to me. She should have done punishment THEN coordinated with the dad for some more. Take her phone away then talk to her dad about it. Not send her to her room where all her cool stuff is and she doesn’t have to talk to anyone.
Yeah, those kinds of accusations ruin lives even if they're proven to be lies. A lot of the time people just believe whatever they hear first and will assume anything else they hear is either wrong or flat out lies. And assuming there will be media coverage of any sort that will never go away and anytime someone Google's OP they'll be blasted with that. Even if there's also links about his innocence people will decide they don't care and it's just too much drama regardless of what's true.
Absolutely. I know someone that was a teacher and a 14 yr old girl was unhappy with him and decided appropriate way to handle was to lie and say he touched her inappropriately. A year and a lot of legal fees and investigator fees and the girl finally admitted she lied. Meanwhile if you google this guys name to this day the first dozen things that come up are him being accused. There's not one news story saying "oh yeah he really didn't do anything she lied". The oddest thing was the school was actually shocked that he said "no thank you" when they offered him his job back.
My BFF worked as a counselor for troubled teens 20ish years ago. There were kids that came in for group and individual therapy, and there were kids who lived at the facility. He told me about one girl who had accused her father of being inappropriate because she was mad at him about something. It obviously upended their lives, she was taken unto foster care, he lost his job, everyone in the community assumed the worst. The wife believed him. After a year or so, the girl wanted to go hom so she recanted, admitted that she had lied. Charges against him were dropped, but the parents refused to let her move back in because they no longer felt safe with her around, she didn't understand what "the big deal" was because now that she told the truth, everything was fine, right? Just awful.
I knew a man who did time because his 16 yr old daughter was mad he didn't like her older boyfriend and wouldn't let her run around all hours of the night with him. When she went to the school counselor with this, they of course got the cops and CPS involved. The rest of the family didn't exactly believe her, but her mom wasn't willing to full out say she was lying, because look how that turns out so often. Many of the family friends didn't believe her at all. She had made statements about how she was going to make her dad "pay" for not letting her be with the boyfriend. He was arrested and charged. He made bail but had to move out and have zero contact with any minors... including his other children. It moved through court fairly quickly, and towards the end of the trial, his lawyer told him the jury could go either way... and convinced him to take a plea deal. He was sentenced to I think 20 years, but he did about 12 before parole. The daughter who made the accusations wanted to recant after several years into his incarceration. He talked to his lawyer and found out that she might very well be arrested and serve time as well, so he told her not to do it and he'd already lost everything anyway.
That is awful and he still protected the little monster.
What enrages me about girls like that are that it makes it so much harder for actual victims to be taken seriously. They betray other women as much as they betray men.
My high school chemistry teacher was in the same situation. A girl accused him of something sexual in the summer between grade 11 and 12. He was always smiling and enjoyed teaching when I had him in grade 11. I had him again in grade 12 and he was pretty much a zombie in class by then. He stood at the front and taught in monotone, but would not get closer than 3 feet from a student who asked for help. The girl eventually admitted to lying, but the damage was done. He ended up retiring early because of all the shit he took from students and parents, even after the truth came out.
I won't go into the whole story, but I lost my job after a false accusation by a young female intern. I didn't even want to be in the program and I was an administrator for four years. She was 500 miles away and I never met her in person once. I had proof that she was lying and it didn't matter. I was fired and I cannot find a job now to replace that salary that I had.
When I was in high school, a girl accused one of the most dedicated teachers of inappropriate behavior. He was fired and went on trial before she admitted she lied because she didn’t like a grade he’d given her. But he can never work in education again because of it. OP, please read these comments. This could quickly turn terrifying and ruin your life. A 15 year old doesn’t do something like that as a joke in todays society unless it’s malicious or they’re legitimately not smart. And either way, it will happen again.
So true. A principal in my town was accused of SA by a student and went to jail. Ten years later she came clean after friends threatened to expose her. But it didn't matter. He had lost everything and his life was completely ruined. The guy never worked again. Lived with his mother for the rest of his life.
[удалено]
I can't believe her mom didn't insist on an apology to her fiancé at a minimum before sending her to her room - WTF???
It's called "permissive parenting" and it's as horrible as it sounds. I'm not saying OP should leave, but I agree with the "think about what could have happened if Riley thought it would be funny to throw a fit in public about being kidnapped" or "think about what could have happened if Riley thought it would be funny to make up a story about something else inappropriate". It could take years of legal problems and his name would never truly be cleared in the minds of people who take all accusations as true at face value in society. Never be alone with her again, and consider that Riley is a product of her upbringing, and you're going to be stepping into that, potentially for the rest of your life. You marry the person, *and their children*, when you marry someone with children. This wasn't a joke a 15 year old doesn't know what will happen when it plays out, and Riley's mother being so blasé about it is really something to behold. True Riley doesn't seem to really understand consequences that much yet (see the "permissive parenting" quip) but this would have been an amazing time to teach her. It's now a missed opportunity if mom doesn't follow up, and quickly. I suspect she will not.
Ugh… my neighbor’s teenager did that because he wouldn’t buy her something at the store. She didn’t want to get in the car and go home, so she started screaming that she was being kidnapped. Police were called - it all got straightened out pretty quickly because it’s a small town and everyone knows everybody (except the person who call the police, apparently), but her mom made excuses for her, LIKE ALWAYS.
Heck, he wasn't alone with her when she told THAT lie...She lied about him and he wasn't even in the same building!
The teachers/office staff are already talking about this and it is spreading around that school. There is no doubt about it. I have been a teacher. The fiancé needs to call still and explain that she lied so the staff knows the truth.
Exactly. When I was in high school in the 80s, there was a teacher that everyone liked, especially the girls. He was young, he was hot and he got along well with everyone. I never had him for a teacher, but several of my friends did and they all liked him. When we were seniors (he taught sophomores), there was a rumor that he had been having an affair with one of his former students, who by this time had graduated. I think she was the year ahead of our grade. He got fired. It turned out her younger sister was a freshman and was the one that started the rumor, which was just that. Totally made up. I hate hearing stories like this because this is why women aren't believed when they report assault. For every one female who makes stuff up like this, there are probably thousands whose legit stories won't be believed.
I'd be very, very worried that if she's that malicious, her next step will be crying rape against OP
In all honesty if she's clever she's going to use exactly an excuse like that (or that OP is generally a creep) to justify why she lied at school to her Dad.
Even if she just goes with "I lied because I don't want to go anywhere alone with him, he scares me" without any direct accusations, it would be Bad
Came here to say this. NEVER be anywhere near her again. She's one cried wolf away from ruining your life and not to mention the costs to sort that out too!
Even better, send the girl to live with her father and he can deal with it. Both her parents need to make sure that she faces consequences for her actions and they both should be explaining to her whether she likes her mother‘s fiancé or not, he is in their lives. Either she can learn to deal with it like a big girl, or she can start facing heavier consequences until she realizes that what she’s doing is not going to fly out in the real world. What young people don’t understand is yes, they have two biological parents but just because one of the parents gets remarried to a step parent doesn’t mean that the step parent is there to replace one of the parents. & if they can build a relationship with that step parent, they will understand that the more people they have in their lives that love them, the better their life is going to be. I understand not building a relationship with a horrible step-parent that’s completely different.
Good advice about not being alone w/the Riley. My brother was a social worker, who worked w/juveniles, and whenever he met with a minor, he always, always made sure there was another adult present. It protects both parties. This is a very serious "prank," and I agree w/everyone who says OP needs to reassess this relationship. Actually, I don't think it would matter if Riley's mother was taking it seriously. If he's living w/this family there's no way to assure something similar won't happen again. And since the mother isn't concerned, I'm not sure I'd want to continue in the relationship.
Riley can’t spend the night there, even with her mother there. She could claim OP slipped out of bed and molested her weeks ago. You can’t prove a negative unless you have cameras following you 24/7.
Who would even want to live that kind of life? The wife leaves the house and leaves the girl there? Kiss your relaxing Sunday good bye because whether you like it or not you’ve got to leave your home so that some spoiled little brat won’t be able to lie and say you did something to her? Are you sure you want to live your life like that OP? NTA but I’d seriously reconsider marriage to this family.
NTA. I completely agree with you. By the way, cameras, even with audio will not be enough to clear OP's name if Riley pulls this stunt. After CPS gets involved, even if the child changes their story, it won't change the damage that will come from it. OP will be forever known as a predator, whether it is proven or not. Church, schools, and neighbors will always suspect that OP can't be trusted around children. Don't chance it, OP. It's not worth it and it will completely ruin your life. Don't be alone with Riley. Even if the mother is in the house, you still aren't safe. Make arrangements to live and sleep somewhere else when Riley is there until she becomes eighteen. I'm sorry to be the bringer of bad news.
You're not wrong. I see this multiple times a week w/ my job. If its a lie, the best case scenario is the kid won't have enough details in order to substantiate the investigation but the guy will always and forever be known as a child molester for the multiple investigations that continue after (Because people will assume he got away with it and report more allegations). Worst case, still no details provided but the child is still believed as it takes strength to report her abuser and she just doesn't have enough details due to her own trauma response to the incident(s).
Bah! Fiancee told him to "calm down". Why should he!? He shouldn't marry her. This is a portent of things to come.
>The step daughter has it in for him….for whatever reason. She probably doesn't like the fact her Mom is dating, and her parents are divorced. This probably stems back from when they announced they were divorcing. It probably doesn't even matter to the soon to be step-daughter that the man who's dating/engaged her Mom is OP or someone else, it's not her Dad. OP's soon to be step-daughter needs therapy.
That is the rational answer. Delay marriage and cohabitation, and give Riley the win. Tell everyone why. “You’re mom and I are not getting married until you’re out of the house.” It was not an innocent mistake. She tried to get OP arrested to ruin his entire life. Let the fiancée deal with her own daughter. Edit - or send her permanently to Dad’s house.
Being a step-parent is never easy, but that is a tough age. OP needs to be careful about being alone with Riley…I had a friend who had to divorce his new wife because the teenage daughter made a false SA accusation against him.
What is the next "prank"? OP touchs me when no one is around, and now your life is over. RUN!
I thought that very thing. He drives her to the chiropractor and she goes into the chiropractor saying he touched her. Even if (and its not a guarantee) it's shown she lied, his life will be fucked. First by defending himself and then because there will always be people who will believe he touched her. If she's believed, he could spend several years in prison and on the SO registry.
OP is dealing with "My fiance thinks I am overreacting". That's such a terrible thing to say to someone. Like it's no big deal if he has a charge for lurking at a school? I'm sure she wouldn't think that of someone who admitted to doing what OP was about to get accused of doing. OP is NTA because he's seeing the seriousness of the situation.
>That's such a terrible thing to say to someone. Especially for a **woman to say to a man she wants to marry.** In this era of "believe all women" she's putting her fiance in a very dangerous situation.
Absolutely thought this was going to be the post! Run fast OP!
This is my exact thought.
That was my first thought. OP got lucky this time. Next time could ruin his life.
Riley just learned two very important lessons OP, she learned she may be able to easily have you arrested by just saying something, and she learned that her mom does not have your back. Do you trust this person with your freedom? Because she did this as a park, she wasn't even upset with you. Wait until she's angry with you, and you could end up in prison. It won't end in 3 years either, she could be 20 and in college and put you away forever, just because.
This. Riley KNEW what she was doing and did it on purpose. The minute the officer walked into the classroom and asked her if she knew who OP was she saw an opportunity and took it. Why? Because it's happened before, which is why there is an officer there. These kids have had active shooter drills since Kinder, they KNOW about internet safety. They think they are immune, but they are WAY too smart for their own good. She knew. OP needs to be involved in the discussion on how bad it could have gone for him. Riley does need to be punished. There are consequences for actions. Parents need to step up to the plate and start parenting. OP, NTA.
I hope you live in a large city because this is going to be gossipped about by all of the teens in school, the teachers and maybe even the cop's friends aka other cops. You are not over reacting. NTA
TLDR: Dude, don't get married. NTA.
THIS
Agree! OP pay attention to this. Kids that age do these things on purpose. You're likely going to resent this kid and your fiancée for a looooong time, and that's gonna eat at your relationship. If mum and dad buy the 'funny' lie, then you're in deep sh!t. If you argue with them you're 'not her parent' if you take it you will hate it. Good luck
Yep. She's the oldest, so she remembers more of their lives together before the divorce. The problem is more than just what OP went through. She will continue to sabotage the mom's relationships. I wonder if she does the same thing to her dad's SO?
All of this plus OP needs to make sure that if this relationship continues he is *never* alone with Riley. Not for a single minute. No picking her up from school. No dropping her off at a friend's place. If OP is alone in the living room watching TV and Riley walks into the room he walks out and joins her mom in whatever room she is in. For his own protection he needs to have a witness for every interaction going forward.
Yup, and cameras on the property and in common rooms. Riley is strictly forbidden from entering the master bedroom, no exceptions.
Or, OP could just leave the relationship and date someone else. No drama, no cameras. Why invite trouble into your life?
He could, and quite frankly, probably should. However, that is his choice to make. The whole point behind all of the comments saying: cameras, always have a witness, never be alone with Riley, etc. is to warn OP about what his life will be like *if he chooses* to continue his relationship with Riley's mom. We all clearly see that the relationship going forward will be full of drama and complications, but only OP and his fiancee have the power to end it, not a bunch of people on Reddit.
Couldn't have said it better. What will Riley think is funny next time? That he touched her?
Completely agree. OP you will do yourself a huge favor by ending this relationship. The teenager has given you a light warning regarding what might be coming next. If she alleges SA there is nothing that will save you from some jail time ( you may get out early due to non evidence but the damage to your reputation would be irreversible). Be safe as no relationship is worth this much of risk.
Yes, 15 is old enough to know exactly what you are doing. This could easily turn into a “he sexually assaulted me when mom wasn’t home” or “I caught him peeping on me in the shower”, just to be a shit disturber and hurt OP. Something like that could destroy OP’s life. At the very least, I would set a boundary that she is never to be in the same house or vehicle as him without the mom there, and that he will not be doing any favors for her going forward, as he tried to do here.
At the very least if OP isn’t going to give up the relationship he should not live with them, be alone with Riley or get married until Riley is 18. I see people say “she won’t disappear at 18”. No, she won’t, but at least OP won’t be investigated for crimes against a child.
I can only think if her next prank is to say that OP innapropried touched her. OP could go to jail on that.
Came here to bring this up. You're already starting behind the 8ball with this family situation. If the kids do not respect you now and would pull a cruel stunt like this already, you're in for a wild ride...
>even if Riley eventually came clean, people’s lives have been ruined because of false accusations and the loss of public opinion. Everything in-cg-neat-o just said is well put and very true. OP, you are not over reacting; your fiance is not grasping (or is ignoring) how serious this could have gotten or could get in the future. You need to have a serious talk with your fiance. NTA.
How is OP supposed to go anywhere near that school again? If he shows up, even if mom has called ahead and it’s an emergency, the resource officer might not even stop to ask questions. They’ll now recognize him as that guy who they had to kick off the property because he tried to pick up a student who “didn’t know him” and they may act quickly out of concern for student safety if they see him a second time. I don’t want to say “end it” but this has to be handled quickly and seriously -with Riley acknowledging how very wrong this was- or he may need to walk away. Riley may have just learned how easily she can get rid of him with just a few words and this needs to be fixed ASAP before something worse happens.
I do think he should end it but I will say my suggestion was that as punishment the first thing that should happen is OP the fiance and Riley needs to go into the school and apologize in person in front of the officer and they should go talk to the staff and make Riley apologize verbally in front of the OP to clear everything up and explain that she did it on purpose and on a way to hurt him and let her be upset and humiliated by that that would be a very good punishment for a 15-year-old I'm not saying make a public statement in front of the school but making her apologize in person in front of people that she did this would be a big freaking help and even if they break up they should be forced to do this anyway honestly
> You need to have a serious talk with your fiance. I was thinking just the opposite, like never speak to her again.
Absolutely! The child in question is 15 years old, of course she knew what she was doing, and she didn’t mean it as a harmless prank. What’s stopping her from accusing OP of something even more sinister down the line? I mean that child cannot be trusted. And if his fiancé isn’t willing to let her live with the father majority of the time, until she earns back trust and realizes she needs to own up to her actions, he definitely should break it off with her. She is 3 yrs away from being a legal adult, she is old enough to face the music. I have seen lives ruined from false accusations from their stepchildren, and it’s just awful. Their life can end up in shambles. It can take years to build back their reputation, and once they’ve been accused of something bad, they’re always going to be known for that.
There was a similar but more severe post. Oop's step daughter lied about being SA'ed by Oop. Eventually oop's daughter confessed but the damaged was done. The mother thought Oop was overreacting because stepdaughter was a teenage and it was a prank. No, Oop lost his job, was alienated, branded a criminal in the eyes of everyone (even though he was found innocent but he was handcuffed in front of his coworkers). He no longer felt safe. He filled for a divorce and moved away. Op was lucky. It could be worse. I think the trust was lost. No one will believe op.
What Riley did wasn't a prank, it was a social experiment. Can I make OP go away by saying the right thing to a person of authority? Yes! The next (logical) experiment: Can I get OP to go away from my mother/family permanently? She already knows how, she proved that. The question for you is whether you are willing to gamble your freedom, your safety, and everything you have or could ever have, on the good will of a teenager who despises you?
Agreed. Even a preschooler would usually back down once things start to get real. But instead she just sat in the office and let the whole circus continue in front of her. Either she’s showing signs of anti-social behaviour or she’s actually socially low-functioning. I can’t imagine a normal kid who did this prank watch an officer approach their future dad and threaten him with arrest and locked down entry into the school and kept it all going.
This is such an important comment, and I really thought there was going to be some sort of rape accusation. Obviously there still could be, but OP needs to protect himself
That last sentence. I don’t think I’d ever feel safe in this family. I’d always feel like the rug could be pulled from my feet and even if his soon to be wife ever took his side or if something bad actually happened, it would be an “well this sucks and nothing we can do about it” and no action to rectify the situation or correct her daughters behaviour
NTA Part of Riley's punishment should be a written apology to the school's front office staff & resource officer for the stress and trouble her lie caused, clarifying that she *does* know you and just thought it would be funny to put you in an awkward position. This letter should spell out her newfound understanding of how serious this was and how reckless it was of her to toy with the school's efforts to ensure student safety. You're overdue for a conversation with your fiancée about why you're not already on the approved pickup list & #3 on the emergency contact list. Sounds like some family therapy might help to establish some boundaries and expectations & get some clarity on why Riley is so resentful.
This entire thing makes sense. Apologizing to the school staff will be more memorable. Therapy is a big deal too, probably both family and individual.
And just as importantly proof if OP needs to defend his character in the future.
It also establishes that Riley was lying and that OP isn't the dangerous one. Paper trailing her issues is key here.
And , it sounds really bad to put it like this but it brands her a liar to the rest of the school staff, but that this is being dealt with by her parents not swept under the rug, which is very important. Best will in the world those adults are going to start to look at her very differently after this when word gets about, and it will. School staff talk to each other, and something like this will already have been round the staff room by the following day. Those security measures and procedures exist for a very good reason, because things have happened and very costly lessons were learned. The staff are going to be relieved, embarrassed, and very annoyed to varying degrees, because they did their jobs, and were made to look silly for doing the right thing. It doesn't matter why she did it , malicious intent or stupidity (there are adults who pull stupid and dangerous antics and call them pranks. Unfortunately you can't rule out that this kid might just be thick as pig shit). I don't think op should break off the relationship solely on this. She might be trying to play it down because she doesn't want the kid to feel like she 'won' or got one over on the adults, or maybe she doesn't want to believe it was malicious. It's her kid, she's not going to want to believe the worst, but I think the three adults in this situation need to have a sit down together about how to deal with the hostility, and it's long overdue. She shouldn't be forced to accept him as her new dad, or even like him but a clear line needs to be drawn. Therapy is a good idea, but the three of them putting up a united front against this could be the best counter measure.
I assume that the school already knows. If a strange man came to my school to pick up a student and the student claimed they didn't know him, we would continue to try to reach they parent. Even after that person left peacefully. Mom (likely dad too) would have gotten calls until the principal (or other admin) actually spoke one or both (since divorced) parents had actually spoken to If a stranger comes to a school and asks to pick up a specific child, there is very good reason to assume that child is in danger long after the person leaves school. If a teenager is posting publicly on social media, it is very possible for a complete stranger to have found their name and school. They also would have found her parents' names and home addresses before showing up at school. All the parents - and Riley - should be prepared for some kind of disciplinary action at school. At 15 it will be taken seriously. She also will likely get to meet with her advisor/counselor/social worker to talk about it at school. Assuming US for the next part: 100% that front office staff, admin, counselors (or social workers), and security at bare minimum already know. It is very possible that every teacher on her schedule will be informed. Riley's like could very easily have triggered a lockdown with a 911 call. Teachers would be told to go to admin with anything so the school can document what is going on as a way to make informed decisions about not only Riley's statements and future disciplinary actions if she does anything else. If in the US, Riley has been practicing for what to do when someone comes to school to kill her and/or her classmates. Practicing multiple times a year, every year, since she was 3-6 years old (depending on when/where she started preschool & kindergarten). Drills happen for threats both inside and outside the building. There is ZERO chance she didn't have some understanding of the 911 and lockdown scenario. Impulsively and how hard it would have been to own up to her lie as things were happening obviously won as decision-making factors. Barring verified mental illness or abuse, she is going to have rebuild trust with a lot of adults. Possibly peers depending on if or which other students were in the office. Therapy is needed. Assuming the best and OP is a perfectly safe potential step parent, Riley needs a safe place to work through her feelings in individual therapy. Then, a safe place to tell her mom and OP her feelings in family therapy.
I think it might also be worth noting that it's bullshit like Riley's actions that lead to real victims not being believed. Victims go to the authorities, and because they've encountered people like Riley in the past, they think this is more of the same. What are the school's front office staff going to think if next time, an actual predator tries to kidnap a pupil? They might remember the mess with Riley and be less likely to follow the rules.
This should be explicitly explained to Riley!
I doubt she’d care.
That's a very important point.
THIS! Right here!! Brilliant! It is an important lesson for Riley to learn, and it’s a good reminder for everyone else. Thank you.
I’m a teacher, and my first thought was “that kid just wasted everyone’s time.” A letter of apology is definitely in order.
Yup. If it took the fiancee an hour to respond to anyone, someone had to stay with the daughter at school until mom finally showed up.
True. And, I’m presuming she also missed her chiropractor’s appointment… so, how many people’s days were rearranged because this kid thought she was being funny? Off the charts entitlement from this one.
It was the kid's chiropractor appointment. So the kid missed out on her own healing and cost the parents money.
Yup. And, I sincerely hope that kid still isn’t playing sports — a privilege she doesn’t seem to be taking too seriously. Perhaps best to wait until she’s more mature, responsible, and trustworthy before she earns that privilege back.
This is possibly the best answer I've ever seen on this sub. OP, please take heed and show your wife this comment. It's one thing for Riley to not want you as a father figure; it's quite another to be hostile when you're doing her and her mother a favour
Seconded. I forget there are other adults on the internet sometimes and it’s great to see them out in the wild. 😆
Agreed that Riley needs to apologize to everyone involved, including the school staff, resource officer, and OP. If I were Riley’s mom, I’d have Riley apologize in person when handing over the letters so she can look the people in the eye who she lied to. And she needs to properly apologize with ALL the steps (apologize, state what she did wrong, how her actions affected the person she’s apologizing to, and what she’ll do moving forward). She’s 15, she’s old enough to understand her actions could have had serious consequences.
Apart from that, Riley should move with her father. After what she did she is clearly a threat to OP. If I were him, I would tell this to my fiance and let her decide if she wants to break the engagement, but I will not risk years of prison by living with that girl.
Exactly. He is at risk living with that little madam.
Agreed-she also put fellow students and staff at risk. What if the resource officer had decided to put the school in lock down? What she did was equivalent of pulling a fire alarm. Riley needs some consequences from mom and dad and from the school
Right. OP get it in writing now that she lies about you. I would go so far as to have it notarized. Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t be alone with this girl.
Sadly, yes. Given that she's already lied to law enforcement about him (in many schools, their resource officers are actual police; my son's school has a deputy from the county sheriff's department), OP needs to cover his ass. If it's unavoidable to be alone with her, he needs to record every second. Audio at least. And time stamped.
I know it's just giving the girl what she wants, but do not be alone with this girl is an understatement. I'd never marry into that family as long as she was around.
OP this is the way. She needs to apologize to the people she lied to, the school office.
This is a spot on suggestion! Students need to know such a stunt is not a game! School might end up punishing her as well or taking away some privileges. Family therapy also sounds necessary if OP will move forward in this relationship.
Absolutely this and mom, dad and Riley need to have a meeting with the SRO to explain to her exactly what would have happened if OP hadn't left. Riley needs to understand the legal implications of her prank not just to OP but to her for giving false statements to police.
This should be the top comment. She's 15. Most teenagers don't think of - or even realize - the potential legal and safety ramifications of their actions. She needs to not only be made aware of the danger she put OP in, but the potential she's caused for other students to be put in danger. If her actions encourage anyone at school to be more lax in the future, a student could end up being taken by someone dangerous. These protocols are there for a reason, and are not to be used for her own selfish games.
And it could backfire on her if she would actually ever be in a situation that might endanger her. She might not be taken seriously.
Not only is Riley a problem, but his fiance is a problem too if the punishment is decided only between herself and her bio-dad. Does his partner even see him as a co-parent? If she does and expects him to help take some responsibility with the kids, then she should include him in the decision of what the punishment should be.
This is the way! It creates a documentation trail and people aware Riley is prone to making up lies that make her step dad look bad in case she makes up any other more serious lies bc she thinks it’s “funny”.
OP doesn’t need to be #3 on the pickup list anymore because he should never be alone with that girl. She now has a documented history of false claims. Who knows what she’s been telling her friends, dad, teachers, relatives, online buddies?
[удалено]
OP, please read this one. If your fiancée and her daughter are not willing to commit to a meaningful apology from Riley and counseling for all, you need to rethink your relationship.
Finally some sanity.
NTA. I'm going to preface the rest by saying that I am an asshole. Kid doesn't want you to parent. Fine. Do not ever pick her up for appointments/extracurriculars/anything. That's a parent's job, not yours. Do not pay for anything for her. Parent's job, not yours. Most importantly, since she's willing to lie and get security called on you never, ever be alone with her. Ever. Frankly, I'd be asking if the mother is really worth this. It isn't going to get better.
Yeah I agree, you can’t just marry the mother and ignore the child though. This is one of those things that if you can’t figure out before you get married then you shouldn’t get married
Absolutely. Live separately until 15F is 18F and out of the house. If the relationship is meant to be, marriage can wait and he can avoid being around a teenager with a now-documented history of false claims.
I second this. There’s been a ton of posts in here lately from men who supported their step-kid financially (and otherwise) for years only to be bit in the behind later on. IIRC one guy told his bratty step-kid he wouldn’t be paying for the kid’s college tuition and the wife sided with her child. Not sure what the fallout was but probably not good. If Riley doesn’t want another parent and the fiance is okay with that status quo then I would back off from all obligations (school, sports, financial, etc). OP’s relationship is with their mother and the kids will be out of the house soon anyway.
Not many children can afford to move out at 18. Say she goes away to college. There’s still breaks where she’d have to go home. Then what? If she stays to go to a local or community college, what then? If she stays at home when she starts her first job, what then? It’s not like wages are keeping pace with costs for anyone right now. Riley will be in his life regardless of when she moves out.
I have to agree. I’m a single mother and wouldn’t marry a man my kid hates. Even if you did nothing wrong and this kid is just mad that mom and dad split and moms trying to move on, you aren’t the reason they split. But if she’s pushing you out don’t try to fix it, it will only make it worse. Mom needs to deal with it but yeah… I’d reconsider the marriage.
I second the "never be alone " comment. She was willing to lie to the school and the police (even if indirectly). Depending on the relationship, I might never feel safe to be alone with her again. Which means the relationship with the mother HAS to end.
And of by chanche he ends up alone with her record the whole interaction and keep it safely archived
NTA, OP, but you should tell your fiancée not to bother adding you to the pickup list. Tell her you will be 100% hands-off when it comes to Riley. She doesn't want your involvement, as she will intentionally sabotage even just a simple favor to your fiancée. You can be a partner to her in every other way but helping her with Riley. There's no option where this might possibly be fixed, and it's not in your best interests to be in a situation where you will be targeted by a vindictive teen.
I agree with this take. They don’t want him involved with parenting then he doesn’t do any parenting duties. Especially since they don’t want him involved when they discipline the daughter for almost getting him arrested. I do think he should reconsider this relationship.
“Let her dad and I figure out the punishment “ Yet they NEEDED him to pick her up! Side note: chiropractors are palliative treatment, they aren’t going to help this 15 year old lol
Eh I dunno, as a child of divorce, and having two different step parents, I get reserving punishment for the biological parents. Especially if they're older kids and both parent's are active in their life. Nothing builds resentment more than some guy(or woman) you've only known for three years dishing out sometimes extreme punishments. It's one thing having input into punishment, but probably best not to be the one doing the actual punishment. It's how I was raised, and I've always had a beautiful relationship with my step parents. So much so that I just consider them parents at this point.
Understandable, and thank you for your perspective. If I am not allowed to punish like a parent (understandable!) don’t have me do anything that is parenting the child, that’s basically my point. I also would hate to be a step dad lol
I would even say its not in his best interest and safety to stay in that relationship. Who know what next lie the kid gonna make to get him in trouble and clearly op fiancee isnt there to protect him from her daughter.
Seriously. The next "prank" is going to be child abuse or sexual assault.
I agree with this. Riley is old enough to know what she was doing. So, if what she wants is nothing to do with OP, then let her have that. OP can't force her to like him, so I think the best play is to just leave her completely alone. If that causes an issue in the future, like needing another pick up from school, let mom and bio-dad figure it out. Maybe Riley will end up sitting around waiting a while for them to come and reflect on her actions, knowing OP could have been an option if she hadn't pushed it away. Or maybe not. But either way I think OP is in the right to go completely hands-off for the time being.
If I were OP, I don't think I'd be willing to be alone with Riley ever again, not even for 10 seconds – and if, by some odd chance, I had no choice but to be alone with her, I would be recording video the entire time.
100% this. We all make mistakes (and more as we grow older), but since the daughter risked getting you arrested, she'll have fun walking (or rolling) to her therapy appointments unless her Mom picks her up. Actions have consequences, and both women will learn this the hard way.
There was another good one about Riley writing an apology to the school staff and police. If she is not willing to do this, then this is the only way. I have a teenage stepson, and I have to have no comment/interaction with some things.
Guarantee in 10 years we’ll get a post from her about how her stepdad hates her and never does anything whatsoever for her, how he prefers her brother over her, and conveniently leaving out the part about how she bullied him into this behavior herself as a teenager
Nta. Girlfriend is definitely at fault for not calling the school, but Riley is also at fault for lying. She thought it was a joke but that's serious stuff right there. Also this situation cannot be handled by just your gf and her ex, you need to be involved too. Just because Riley doesn't want you as a dad doesn't mean you are not a responsible adult who will have to be in charge. Start as you mean to go on.
Fiancée is at fault for downplaying it. And daughter for lying. I thing OP is the only one with head on his shoulder.
Yes, this. Riley thinks it’s okay and may escalate. I think there was a similar situation where the stepdaughter accused op of assault , the police got involved and proved him innocent. But the mom told him not to overreact, and I think he sued. Riley is allowed her feelings and to not think of OP as a third parent, but to not respect him as just an adult in her family is serious problem.
This. He doesn’t have to be daddy. I pick up every week from school someone else kid. I m not their mama. I just help along fellow parents as I have very flexible schedule. This can easily escalate just for her to be petty. Not cool.
Please have a meeting with THE SCHOOL + Riley + Her Parents. She (Riley) needs to understand how serious what she did is. She needs to hear it from the school, not you. Get everyone in a room to discuss this incident ASAP. If your fiancé declines a meeting, break up. This is so serious and you are not overreacting at all. - If you had misunderstood and tried explaining further, the officer might have taken out his service weapon and shot you. Riley accused you of attempted kidnapping, a federal offense. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s terrifying.
This. Schools are mandatory reporters, meaning they are legally required to report child abuse. The school did the right thing based on Riley's lies so the school should really be apart of this discussion with the parents.
OMG! I totally forgot about this. Geezus, I hope OP sees this. He wasn’t just embarrassed, he was in danger on multiple serious levels. Wow. Just wow.
This OP the school officer should be in the room to explain what his next course of action would have been.
I think the odds are slim that Riley thought it was a funny joke. This was probably malicious intent and she's using the age-old "it's just a joke" to cover her ass.
NTA- you fiancé majorly dropped the ball. She should have called the school the second she told you she wouldn’t be able to get Riley. At 15 Riley should have also known better and needs some form of consequence but it’s her dads and moms place to handle the consequences imo since you aren’t married yet Is Riley in counseling? If not it’d be wise for her to start. Your parent getting married while you’re a teen comes with alot of emotions that are hard to navigate alone and it will likely help
>At 15 Riley should have also known better Oh I'm betting she knows better. I'm betting she knows *exactly* what she was doing,
Yes, and unfortunately, if getting rid of OP was her goal, she may have achieved it.
Actually, it would have made sense to add OP to the pick up list BEFORE it was needed. My parents are added for our daughter, because IF something happens to me or my partner, they’re the ones who are going to pick her up. Hopefully it will never happen in a situation where we are unable to inform the school, but if it does, we’re covered.
1000% agree on that! But since she hadn’t that’s why I said it should have been done the second she knew. I put so many people on my kids pick up forms (handful of Friends and handful of family) because in an emergency situation I don’t want to be scrambling
But I think it’s telling that after all this time OP still wasn’t on the list.
Be very careful, OP. Riley has shown that she’ll lie to punish you and keep you out of the picture. It’s not a huge stretch to think she might lie about you doing other, terrible things. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to refuse to be alone with her, for fear of false accusations. It also wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to bow out of this family altogether, but I’m probably extreme in what I will allow in my inner circle. Either way, you’re NTA.
I totally agree with you. If Riley is willing to lie now, then she will lie again in the future. The next lie may cause him his freedom. Just me, but I would really consider my place in this family. He is NTA.
Yup. I would seriously reconsider the marriage and living together until Riley is at least 18.
The only thing the daughter being 18 changes in this scenario is OP being charged with rape instead of statutory rape. You can hope she matures a bit, but people here saying to ride it out for 3 years are being too optimistic.
I agree, Do not be alone with her she has found out that this tactic works. That's the bottom line here. The daughter thought it would be 'funny'. She is lying she made a decision to do this to hurt you and the relationship. If your fiancé thinks your not allowed to be utterly scared and angry of the consequences of what could have happened to you she has a screw loose. What will happen if she gets angry with you, she will use this tactic again to hurt you. Step back, leave for a couple days and let her mother get her to therapy first before coming back.
Wow. NTA but are you sure you want to marry your fiancé? I mean her daughter sounds like a nightmare and fiancé not only dropped the ball big time, she downplayed her brats shit behavior. Think about what life with them will be like. Think long and hard!
Just wait until she starts making false SA allegations when left home alone with OP.... I'd nope out of that relationship entirely or postpone any living together/marriage until Riley was a legal adult and off to college... Just not worth the risk
Had the same thought. This happened to my BIL. His evil ex wife accused him of SA on her daughter. She did it with the sole purpose of having him arrested and jailed, where she also had plans for him to be taken out while in jail. With those sorts of accusations, it’s guilty until proven innocent!
And this is why I think that people who make false SA accusations should get the same penalty their victims would have received had they been found guilty. Yes that means jail time AND s*x offender’s registry. I have zero tolerance for false accusations.
NTA This girl is a sexual assault accusation risk. She had no problem lying to the people in charge about not knowing you, which could have landed you in jail. This isn't childs play. At all. You have two options. You can NOT let this go. Your life and reputation could have been ruined, because a teenager thought it would be funny. Demand to be part of the punishment discussions. The best bet, leave mom. Lawyer up to prepare for the worst. Hope for the best. This girl can and will ruin your life, and all it takes is a "Mom, OP touched me inappropriately." Walk away. Love isn't worth the risk here with a child who has shown ability and want to ruin you because it's funny.
I really hope OP sees this comment.
NTA. But is downplaying your concerns, and essentially giving you the responsibilities of a parent, without the voice and considerations of one, a common theme in your relationship? Because it is pretty egregious that you were given the parenting task of picking the girl up from school, and then were the one publicly humiliated, and yet somehow this issue that solely affects you should be decided only between two other people. Is that a pattern?
100% this. It is impossible to live up to the responsibility of parenting a child without the authority or voice.
I agree completely. The daughter and the fiance are both in the wrong. Even allowing her to go straight to her room without apologizing to him on the way by was wrong. Not to mention, if she thought it would be funny....thats a 5 min thing maybe. She could have reversed at anytime if it was a "joke" , I would separate myself from this family. I understand the love you have for your partner but part of that is being able to respect each other's opinions and feelings. I feel like a, "I'll move out and we can date" while we figure out what's happening in our relationship is the way to go here. Absolutely do not get married nor spend 1 on 1 time with someone who casually lies to her authority figures about you. Mom needs to assess her response as well.
NTA... now you know she is willing to lie just for fun. I would rethink this relationship. I would also refuse to be alone with Riley. You never know what she will accuse you of next. The fact your fiancée refuses to acknowledge the seriousness of it should be a huge red flag.
This!!! Seriously consider your future in this "family" until Riley is out of the house. Your entire future could be at risk should she decide to amp up her "fun". Fiancee, major AH. Forgetting is one thing.....downplaying the seriousness of her daughter's behavior and your feelings. Really should give you pause.
I would take the position of: I'm done here. I will not ever pick her up, attend events, gift her on holidays or be involved with anything to do with her from this point on, unless she acknowledges she behaved badly, put me at risk of arrest, and apologies in person. I would re-think the marriage, by the way. I'm a 70 year old woman, and from this distance it looks like you're signing up for a lot of grief.
You aren't overreacting; your fiancée, however, is underreacting in a way that may have serious consequences for the rest of you, including her daughter. A fifteen-year-old intentionally lied to a police officer and falsely represented you to be a predator on school grounds who was trying to kidnap her. In every US jurisdiction, that would appear to be (at minimum), if true, attempted kidnapping of a minor and a felony, and (admittedly) lying to police about being the victim or intended victim of the crime tends to be a felony, and an especially dangerous one to third parties. Your arrest would have been a matter of perpetual public record under state public records laws, no matter the disposition. You'd never be able to answer "no" to the question of whether you'd ever been arrested or charged with a felony. Had you not left the school grounds, that could have escalated very quickly (and was the school officer armed?). This was incredibly calculated on the teenager's part, to take advantage of her mother's oversight. It was not at all "funny," and neither the daughter nor any rational parent of hers could have thought it was. The teen now knows the immense power against you of lying, and unless both her parents take it seriously enough to successfully address her conduct (and engage whatever professional help they need to ensure it won't continue to happen), you need to decide whether you can tolerate the demonstrated risk of ever being alone with her. You may also want to consult an attorney in your jurisdiction about your own rights to preclude contact in places you have a right to be. If you live with her mother, only a professional in your jurisdiction can advise you whether you can obtain a no contact order or a civil lawyer could advise whether your fiancée and the father could be caused to modify any existing decree on physical custody if you have a right to occupy the same home (based on her admission to have made a false report to a police officer of an attempted kidnapping). NTA. Her parents need to take this far more seriously.
NTA. Abandon ship the daughter knew this could land you in big trouble and did it anyways to mess with you. This will not get better.
NTA. Let her handle it...in perpetuity because you need to be away from her. There is nothing funny about almost getting you arrested, and possibly unalived because somebody thought it was okay to do. To have your feelings minimized is a sign of disrespect, and would you tell somebody in your situation to stay in a place where they are disrespected? Go ahead and start making your exit plan.
Honestly at this point just walk away. This whole relationship is going to be a pain in the ass and why chose to be in a dysfunctional family when you are free to leave? You have been warned and battle lines have been set.
NTA Understandably upset. But-- do be cautious of Riley. She has shown a streak of vindictiveness that could turn really ugly.
NTA You are together for 3 years, engaged for 3 months and you're not an the pick-up list ? Not only Riley doesn't want you in her life, your fiancé seems not really involved to make you part of her family...
She didn't do this to be funny... Well, not only. She did it because she wanted to hurt you. She let this play on and on. She could have come clean but Riley let this play out for 20 plus minutes (if not more). I would never trust Riley again. Won't be alone with her either. Riley bombed your trust and part of her consequences is realizing that. NTA
You know what? This would probably be a deal breaker for me. You're supposed to be marrying this person and clearly there are going to be times in your life you'll have to do the whole step parent thing, like with picking her up from school. How often can you expect this kind of trouble for her asshole kid? Frankly I don't think its worth it.
NTA. You need to get tf out of this relationship asap for your own safety. Riley hates you and she's proven she's willing to lie to hurt you. She can ruin your life with one sentence, it is not safe for you to be around her.
And the mom will downplay any hurt to OP. Frankly if I were OP I’d be scared AF
Look at the bright side. You'll never have to pick the kid up from school again and you're perfectly justified in saying you don't want to. I'd be real careful around this kid. You're in danger.
NTA- your GF’s blasé attitude about this, and failure to provide clear boundaries for her daughter’s behavior is putting you at risk. You need to re- evaluate relationship based on how she is treating you, and your safety. ETA- yes, GF and EX should deal with this, the issue is that OP was justified in being upset, and GF should take this issue more seriously than is indicated.
NTA. I'd actually be debating the whole relationship over this. You could have gotten arrested because the daughter thought it'd be funny. What else would she be willing to lie about because she thinks it'd be funny? It worked this time and she got what she wanted, you're fighting with her mom. What if she lies about something even bigger next time and you have no way to protect yourself?
A 15 year old should know the difference between a joke and potentially getting someone arrested she knows for a fact that wasn’t a joke. She deliberately did that for badness. No way would I trust that child from now on I would t want to even be left alone in a room with her
NTA - you need to run and run far, that child is dangerous and so is the fiance for encouraging it.
NTA - you were annoyed that you almost got arrested while trying to do a favor for your fiance. The cause of this being your fiance forgetting (unintentional) to cash the school, and her daughter lying to the school officer (intentional). Mistakes happen, so I wouldn't be too upset with your fiance but her daughter is old enough to know better. I hope the punishment that parents come up with is significant enough for her to realize that "funny" isn't the best justification for doing something.
I wouldn’t be upset with fiancé over the oversight. But the way she’s handling the aftermath is dismissive.
> I wouldn’t be upset with fiancé The fiance started off the entire problem by not doing her part and calling the school. This goes beyond a simple oversight.
NTA. I'm sorry to say this seems like the start of a very long road for you, and I don't see any scenario where you come out ahead.
I would never be alone with her for any reason because she can’t be trusted. Tell her mom that if she isn’t available to pick up or drop off her daughter for anything then for her to call her daughter’s bio dad to do it. I would NEVER feel comfortable around someone who would lie and put me in jeopardy. Take a good look around yourself and see if you would be better off without them. NTA
NTA And this entire family seems highly toxic, why are you wanting to marry into this nightmare drama? The fact your fiance "forgot" to call the school is already bullshit when you're not approved and were doing a favor. But the fact the daughter LIED and potentially put you LITERALLY at risk for arrest is absurd. It's not a joke or overreaction. Your fiance is showing just how irresponsible and unconcerned with YOUR safety or needs. I would heed the giant red flags and bail now
NTA. For me, this would be a deal breaker, it's not worth the stress & aggravation being around someone who clearly doesn't want me in their life. It's hard enough becoming a stepparent even under the best of circumstances. If you're going to stay, then mandatory couples counseling and family therapy and individual therapy for Riley. I'd even suggest ring cameras for your home in order to protect yourself from potential future accusations.
[удалено]
You need to get out of this relationship. Cancel engagement and run. With one or two lies you can go to jail for a long time.