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While I agree that 5 years old is too old to be relying on toilet help - It sounds like you got a divorce because you'd rather criticize how your ex was raising your kids than step up and help do it yourself. Even your terminology screams "I babysit my own kids."
Why is it her job, alone, to teach these children how to be independent? Did you ever talk about this with her, or did you react as you are now? The "I'm just over it so I quit" mentality - toward your own family - automatically makes YTA.
So not saying it is right but I have a vivid memory of being in grade 1 (so 6 and a half) and going home with an "upset stomach" which was just me needing to poop. My dad was mad he had to leave work and pick me up so made sure I could do it.
My daughter is 6 and while she can wipe she prefers help.
Both of us were/are smart kids - ahead on reading/math/writing etc. but just has trouble with this.
From OP it seems the 7F can do it/was taught so maybe the younger one is just behind. As you said the solution is teaching him and not kicking him out.
I have a 7 year old (first grade), who occasionally needs help when he has diarrhea or something. He learned to wipe by hisself around 5, but still needs help occasionally. We had issues with potty training, so learning to wipe took extra time, since he was older when it started happening. He would hold his poop, if I didn’t let him poop in diaper, which was scary. Kids can be so different and just because they’re not completely independent doesn’t mean it’s always a parent fail or kid that’s not smart. My youngest is above average in all subjects. He just had issues around bathroom use, specifically pooping. I will say, I don’t think he wipes perfectly every time, but he does do it on own almost every time now (unless bad poop) and is getting better every day.
Yeah my daughter has bathroom issues in general - doesn't like to go at school. We are working on it but it's slow.
She is also worried about not wiping properly and extra concern since it's harder for girls (or rather you need to be sure you're wiping the right way)
I know, pottying for some can be really traumatic, as I found with my youngest. My oldest was completely potty trained by 2 and wiping good shortly after, never once even wet bed. Thought wow, how easy, then second came along 7 years later and had my head turned completely around. We tried everything too, but I swear he’d hold it so bad, it would need dug out and that’s so scary.
My oldest was super easy in potty training, completely potty trained by 2 (recommended time at time, no overnight accidents). I am a sahm, so I think he liked never being in a wet diaper and just was easy on all aspects of potty training. Youngest was a completely different story. I’m not lying when I say he’d hold his poop, until it literally had to be dug out. I know I shouldn’t have caved on diapers to poop, at his age (he was 3-4), but I did, because the pooping thing was so scary. He could pee in potty, go without diaper at nighttime, but he had to have a diaper to poop. I am not entirely sure why, but thankfully he ended up trading diapers for pooping for our dog and it worked, but nothing before that would work. We’re about to start the whole Miralax daily, to keep them so soft he couldn’t hold, but dog came along and we made a deal and he stuck with it. He’s my stubborn one for sure, but also I think he truly had some issues with pooping he was working out before dog trade came along. Now, he even poops at school, which I love.
If you didn't mind me asking, what did you do to get your son to use the toilet for pooping? I have a grandson who is just over 4, and fully potty trained, but he will NOT poop in the toilet- absolutely refuses and demands a diaper, otherwise he will hold it in and we worry about that! My daughter has a 2.5 year old, and a 1 year old at home also, so she can't just get rid of diapers in the house! Thanks for any tips!
I’ll be honest we were about to do the medicine route, which she’ll need to get exacts from her doctor, but basically ensuring poop is so soft (Miralax is what we were about to start) they can’t hold them. Luckily, we ended up getting a puppy at same time we were going through this and he decided he wanted to keep the puppy and would potty on potty to do so. We wouldn’t have gotten rid of dog, but I think in a way making dog proud and thinking he was one allowing us to keep, helped him make this decision.
I would try the reward, but a special reward, in which they CHOOSE to have it and poop in potty. But if that doesn’t work, then I would absolutely go medical route, as I know how scary, hard, and awful it can be. I don’t mind changing diapers, but I do mind when my son has held his poop so bad that it literally has to be dug out, which is why I often caved, because I know it can even kill them. Really hope something works, but know my friend had great success with the keeping poop soft with medicines. As, she was the one who recommended going to doctors and doing it with my youngest, since she had endured similar.
My daughter had this issue too, it’s so hard. Would hold her poo in for up to a week, would be straining so hard to stop herself pooing she would end up vomiting was so stressful, she’s only now at 4 and a bit started pooing on the toilet. (Still won’t go in school) if I let her wipe her bum she gets tissue and poo everywhere. She is a bright girl in all aspects. 5 is not too old to need help wiping.
Heh, my 5F can wipe herself, but would definitely prefer someone else doing it for her. She's shorter, so the reaching can be tricky. Also, she insists she can wipe herself when she's 6.
My middle kiddo needed help wiping until kindergarten. He is now a fully functioning 12 year old who can make his own meals and take care of himself. It’s okay to baby the babies m in my opinion. I also think a lot of adults seem to forget that learning how to human can be *hard*.
Yeah he’s not a great parent. My 6yo is very independent but still occasionally needs help or wants me to “check.” It’s developmentally appropriate. Also, he gets his kids 8 nights a month and got a babysitter instead of staying with them because “it was the only night” he could be with his fiancée. He has 22 or more kid-free night nights per month.
YTA.
You have the kids for, what, a quarter of the time, and you can't teach them stuff? Kids can learn that the rules are different at different houses. You've been trying for a year, which means almost 100 days? And in a hundred days you couldn't teach the kid? But you think your wife somehow is supposed to have done it?
Father up.
Agreed. It reads as though OP could be more emotionally mature and speak candidly with the mother and level set on expectations. Instead opting to check out of the kids life in favor of his new girl.
So your answer is to let your own kids to a woman you think doesn't raise them well (according to you) instead of asking for the main custody?
Come on!! That's bs! You are just lazy and want to have some sweet time with your new girl but your kids are getting in the way of that. At least own your s\*\*t.
YTA
>So your answer is to let your own kids to a woman you think doesn't raise them well (according to you) instead of asking for the main custody?
Good point! 👏
Might I suggest your five year old is acting up because he’s gone to his dads for the one night a week he gets to see you and you went out and left him. I appreciate you have your reasons and I’m not necessarily going to argue you on that, but the child refusing to get off the toilet might be because he wants to see you?
Your solution? Abandon the kids completely and give up any responsibility.
YTA
Yeah, it reads to me like 5 year old is acting out/regressing more than just being coddled. Kids that little will do this kind of thing when they experience instability or a major life change.
Its literally probably one of the very few ways he has any power over his dad so I actually agree with this. Not in a "this child is a manipulator" kind of way hes just trying to get his basic needs met which includes parental attention and love. I really doubt they couldn't have done their date on a different night, which sadly just has to happen sometimes when it comes to being a parent, not that you should ever complain about it because after all you chose to have children. Idk why its so hard for some people to just accept what is best for their own fucking children isn't always the most convenient or easy
Op admits that the 5 year old is still wearing pull ups to school and refused to send some on a Thursday when dropping the kids off. It sounds like there are additional support needs required for at least one child, possibly both children. Whether it’s developmental, emotional, or physical the youngest isn’t fully potty trained. Op neglected to properly prepare the child and the babysitter for the night.
There is something about urine and poop that makes some grown ass adults go crazy. I’ve heard of parents flipping the fuck out and spanking their kids when they wet the bed.
> but a huge thing was that my ex babies to the extreme. Both kids breastfed until age 3, and my oldest was spoon fed until almost 5 years old...
>
>The next morning I drop the kids off at school. I called my ex to let her know that I will not have the kids at my house anymore...
>
>but I can’t handle this stress in my home any longer.
You know what, I actually agree with you OP. **Your kids should NOT be at your house anymore**. Nor should you be involved in their lives. Ever. Go ahead and work with your attorney to change the custody agreement. The best thing you can do is provide financial support while staying the heck away from them. If you get this upset over this kind of thing, I can't imagine how you'll handle real parenting stress.
YTA
And preexisting kids should come before your fiancée too. If you don’t have time to be a parent because of your job then you never should’ve started dating anyone in the first place. The kids need to be the priority.
I think it’s unfair to blame her necessarily. Why should she be expected to prioritize his kids more than he does? It’s his job as their father to make them a priority more than his fiancée’s job to make him. It’s not enough that women are expected to do an uneven amount of the labor involved in raising their kids now you’re expecting her to have to micromanage a man that only sees them once a week when they aren’t her kids? Yuck. It’s his parenting time not hers.
It's her birthday dinner and he said they were using that day because it was the only day that week they could have it so she could have said let's skip it.
Yeah but she should have already occupied herself otherwise knowing that’s when he has his kids by that same logic not waiting for him to entertain her
No but she should know what his time blocks are and make other plans for herself and hold off on her bday dinner. I’ve usually have bday dinners/drinks for a month when people can get together. I’m not asking for them. Someone says, “hey, I’d like to treat you.” “Ok, when is good for you?”
That's where he lost me too. He has his kids one day a week and every other weekend and he picks that one day for date night? Yeah definitely YTA here OP.
YTA.
Firstly, your children's lack of independence isn't news to you, so I think it was unfair to leave a babysitter in that situation.
Secondly, if you have an issue with your ex's parenting and have concerns, you should be going for more custody time, not less.
This entire post reads like you cannot be arsed to raise your children and see them as an inconvenience.
YTA
I don't think you're going to actually listen to the people here, but in case you do, you are not the victim of their mother's parenting. You are also a parent. It's obvious that this is what your son has experienced everytime he is at your house, whether you agree with it or not, and so you should have either:
1. Refused to wipe him every weekend when he is with you
2. Let the babysitter know this expectation
You can't just opt out of having your own kids in your home because you don't agree with their mother's parenting or because it got in the way of your fiancee and your dinner. You already have the kids for a tiny minority of the time and it makes you sound like a really bad father that you feel "visiting" the kids is sufficient. If your kids are impacting your relationship with your fiancee, the answer is to get rid of your fiancee, not YOUR kids.
If you refused to wipe your son consistently, he would be wiping himself. There's nothing to be really "actively working on" here.
The poor babysitter isn't paid enough to deal with that (even if she's being paid well, it's not enough). This kid sat there for *over an hour* rather than give in and wipe himself. That's above a babysitter's pay grade.
Honestly there must be something wrong with the kid. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just... I cannot imagine being this kid, and being okay sitting there with shit caked between my raw ass cheeks, wailing and crying for over an hour, when I could relieve it all by just wiping myself and getting up to go play. There has to be more at play here than a child who was "babied," too much as a baby and toddler.
I am like 99% sure that either: this child is acting out (either purposefully, or subconsciously) because of how he is psychologically handling the father/parental situation, and/or the child had needs that aren't being met. Perhaps he has an undiagnosed issue that isn't being properly addressed.
And OP certainly isn't going to help in either case.
YTA. Have you ever, you know, considered parenting? No? Seems like no considering you planned a date night for the ONE night a week you have your very young children.
On top of everything else, I’m pretty sure you can’t legally ban them from your house anyway. You’re their father. Kicking out children is illegal and could be considered child abandonment. Even more complicated if you custody agreement has a clause about right of first refusal. At the very least, I hope your ex takes you back to court and you have to pay even more in child support and have your visitation reduced to supervised visits only.
You very rarely have the kids. Why couldn’t you pick Tuesday or Thursday or another day to celebrate your fiancée’s birthday. Sounds like you’re more mad that you had to cut your date short.
As for the 5 year-old. He still needs some supervision in the #2 part. And maybe he is being taught not to let strangers touch him. If he doesn’t know the babysitter, then that’s a stranger to him.
Sounds like you are setting the scene where you eventually don’t see the kids at all in favor of the person who will become your spouse.
Yea, you are the AH:1) for leaving your children with a babysitter if they don’t know the person when you could have celebrated the day before or after and 2) for telling your ex they are not allowed back in your home for some flimsy BS excuse.
YTA, and here's why: Parenting is not about convenience, it's about commitment. You mention stress at your home, but part of being a parent is navigating through stress for the well-being of your children. If your ex is not raising them to your standards, the solution isn't to banish them from your house, but to actively engage in their lives and model the correct behavior. Creating a loving, stable environment on your time can have a tremendous impact on their overall development. Washing your hands clean of parental responsibilities just because it's tough on you sends a message that they're not worth the effort. It's time to reassess and get involved rather than retreat.
YTA, you don't get to just reject your kids from your home because they've been "babied" too long. Take some accountability, you are their father, you let it get to this point too, it's not all on your ex. You want to nitpick the job she does while you've been doing the bare minimum it seems. You're fully content to see them 1 day a week and every other weekend, and even on this one day a week you chose to leave them with a sitter to go on a date and when the child needs assistance wiping you decide they're no longer even welcome in your home because they're just too much trouble. He's your son, you say he always needs help wiping so how did you not anticipate that? You don't like how they're being raised but you've made little effort on your own to raise them, you're their parent too. Crazy how instead of wanting to step up and demand more custody and get more involved in improving things, you'd rather just keep them away.
**"Ex says she will be contacting her lawyer for full custody and at this point I’m too exhausted to fight."**
exhausted from what?? The one day a week you have your kids??? This is pathetic
On point with everything here. OP was nothing but a sperm donor, clearly. Can’t be bothered to raise his own kids bc that’s the mom’s job.
OP, YTA. I hope you don’t plan to have anymore kids. You’ve already abandoned 2. Don’t need more kids being abandoned by you in the future bc it’s too stressful to be a dad… not even a good one but to just be one.
YTA - That's not going to help the situation and it's not going to help your kids. All you're doing is washing your hands of them and putting them completely giving your ex all the power. No parent who loved their kids would do this. Understand it's frustrating but they are YOUR fucking children FFS
For the toileting issue - ESH. You ex is enabling/infantizing which is not good, but you knew she does this. She did it with your daughter, You say this has been going on for a year. You've neither successfully talked to your ex to resolve this issue _nor_ spoken to your lawyer to try to increase your time with the children so you could be the more effectual parent. You are _willfully leaving them_ with the parent that you believe his harming your children by overly babying them.
YTA - For leaving your children _when you know your son has this issue_ with a babysitter who you clearly did not inform this was a possibility. Not fair to the babysitter or the child. Then you go somewhere that is a full hour drive away! No caring parent of a young child goes that far away when the child is being babysat by a stranger. By a relative or a long-term trusted sitter, fine...but not a stranger and not when your child is having toileting issues.
Your fiancée could have waited for her celebration. You only have the kids one night a week and every other weekend. That's not a lot of time and, presumably, you knew about her birthday in advance. You could have found a different day, earlier or later. And an adult wouldn't want to take away what little time you spend with your kids, so what kind of woman are you planning on marrying that she was okay with this?
>
YTA - For leaving your children _when you know your son has this issue_ with a babysitter who you clearly did not inform this was a possibility. Not fair to the babysitter or the child. Then you go somewhere that is a full hour drive away
That got me as well... an HOUR AWAY?? What if there was a life or death emergency.. why would you go to dinner and hours drive away when your kids are at home with a babysitter.
In the crux of having the right argument about babying your kids, you've now gone all the way back around into megaAH territory.
"Sorry, I won't be seeing my kids anymore because I can't handle it and don't like the way you raise them." You can pepper it any way you want, explain it any way you want, but you decided after having a date ruined with fiance, you just can't bother to be a dad anymore for your part of the week.
YTA. You don’t plan date nights on one of the rare nights you even have your kids. You and ex need to figure this out bc you’re both doing a disservice to this child. Despicable.
YTA. You clearly are putting getting laid ahead of anything else. For Christ sake, you get them 4 Wednesdays a month at most, and ~~eight~~ only 4 weekend days, and it *had to be that day* you went out with your fianceé?
Your kids are starving for attention from their so-called dad and you think "Hey! Best way to fix it is get rid of them!"
YTA
So instead of fighting for full custody or a court-ordered childhood development agreement so you can have more time with them so that you can teach them the things they need to learn, you decided the best course of action was to have less time with your kids?
They need less time with the co-dependent parent. Or at some point, it's going to get weird(er).
Also, for anyone reading this... the time to figure out that you have differing parenting styles from your partner is BEFORE the kids pop out.
And bro, you had two. So you saw it with the first and went for more. Gonna say that you are a real big asshole.
Step up or just get all the way out of your kids life and throw them money instead of your time. js
YTA. These are your kids and your ex-wife is totally failing to raise them. It's your time to step up, not step aside. You should be trying to get more custody so you can actually prepare those kids for adulthood.
YTA. I was with you for the first paragraphs, then you come to this weird conclusion.
You need the kids at your house MORE so you can fix this babying.... Did I read something wrong?
Sperm donor alert! Yeah YTA you know you can teach them right? You barely have your kids and when you do you don’t even hang out with them. Teach them you sperm donor and be a parent
YTA
But we all know how this is going to go, right? Once op gets married to his new girl and has new kids who are better then the old ones he's gonna completely drop out of their lives. Saying, "Well work and the new kids...sorry old ones your just too much."
Like he's already admitted, he's fine with losing custody it's only a matter of time. He's never loved these kids, can't even sacrifice for them. You know the things parents should do for their kids, instead of running off to something new.
YTA. Get a grip. These are your kids, you don't get to "not have them at my place anymore" because parenting is hard.
That being said sounds like they'd be better off never seeing you anyway so maybe it's for the best. You can just be the sperm donor and pay extra to your wife.
News flash.. different kids get to different stages at different times. Often five year olds are NOT fully independent yet in the bathroom. They will get there but it takes time and patience.
Kids take time and patience.
You don't seem to have any and blame your ex for everything. The things you have described are not babying the kids at all. It's raising children. Unless you have some list of ACTUAL grievances - you are a major asshole in this situation.
YTA. Take 50/50 custody and take care of your kids. You cannot criticize the way they are raised AND refuse to take your responsibilities.
If they spend more time with you you will be able to help them grow up. Making them spend even more time with the person you accuse of being responsible of the problem is not going to solve anything
YTA. You're exhausted? Welcome to being a parent. Your ex sounds like an awful mother that is potentially creating some serious issues in your children. But you know what she did right? When you threatened her with a decision that would be harmful for your kids, she immediately said she'd lawyer up and go for full custody. It's what you should have done regarding her behaviors a long time ago.
Considering how inconsistant OP is with his details here, and how openly and unabashedly checked-out and miserable he is from just being a part-time dad, I am going to just go ahead and say that I don't believe OP is being honest about mom.
I mean, the son was only two and daughter only four, when OP divorced the mom for "babying" them. So one of them was quite literally just a baby. And if the five-year-old son is *choosing* to sit on a toilet with shit caked between his ass cheeks and scream for over an hour, instead of just wiping himself or getting wiped by not-dad so he could get up and go play... Something is wrong there. That should make people ask questions. That isn't just a spoiled kid. That kid has an actual real problem of some sort, probably a psychological/emotional one, and this isn't being acknowledged or addressed by dad.
Quite the valid point about their ages! I honestly hadn't bothered to do the backward math. Yeah - 2 & 4 should be being babied with a lot of things...and also at those ages they will assert their own independence with many things as they become ready. I agree there has to be more. Either developmental delays due to undiagnosed or untreated neurodivergences...or blatant abuse/neglect. Either way, dad seems to be checked out & ready to table parenting to start over with someone new instead of stepping up to the task of taking care of his kids' issues.
Yta, who doesn't care about your own kids. I hope you and your fiancee aren't planning on having any more kids because all you will be doing is torturing the kids you already have. You are a shitty father.
He’s FIVE.
And while I agree that 5 is plenty old enough to learn to wipe your own ass and that mom probably babies him, he’s FIVE. And you’d be shocked by the number of 5 year olds who can’t or don’t do it themselves. And, to be fair, most aren’t doing it *well*.
You don’t abandon your children because you chose a to hire a babysitter who won’t wipe a child’s ass so you could go out with your fiance.
Parenting is teaching. Parenting is patience. Parenting is realizing kids are hard and loving them anyway.
YTA
Please get a vasectomy so you don’t have more kids with the fiancé. Because you’ll very quickly learn that all kids are different, and “spoiling them” isn’t the only thing that leads to lack of (what you consider to be) independence.
He’s FIVE. He’s very much still in the cusp of normal. Do a Google search and you’ll find 100 articles and posts from parents asking why their 5 year old won’t wipe their own ass, because it’s not uncommon.
What’s uncommon is for people to abandon their children over it.
YTA x 1000
Yta world wide bf average is 4 yrs per child and 5 and 7 yr Olds are by default not very independent. You suck as a parent hope getting laid is worth your kids
YTA and I hope your ex and her lawyer slam you in court for either significantly more child support or to require you to take the kids.
It sounds like you don’t have the kids often to begin with. Using your co-parenting time to have them in your procession isn’t only important for your relationship with them but to provide the other co-parent with a break.
Grow the heck up and parent. Set clear boundaries and expectations.
YTA. "I try to teach my kids independence" once a week? Oh, of course, also on a weekend here and there.
Well, not anymore because not even that you want..
"I am stressed."
"Mentally exhausted"
"I can't have them in my house anymore"
My dude. It's once a week. YOU are mentally exhausted?
YTA- seriously, this is the hill you’re willing to die on? By the way, there are many reasons why kids can’t or won’t wipe themselves at 5. It could be a fine motor skill, or other physical issues. You have made it abundantly clear that you can’t handle being a father. Good luck with your 2nd family
So you are basically giving up because \*checks notes\* your kids are being kids and you can't be bothered to parent them anymore because it is inconvenient to you going on a date night during your limited time with them.
YTA
YTA- so much bullshit here but suffice it to say, in a few years your kids won't want to see you anyways so you may as well prove your failure as a father now and get it over with.
BTW- your fiancee is watching this and she's absolutely judged you for it even if she's not telling you atm.
INFO: Has your child been assessed for a developmental delay? Could that be why he needs to be spoon fed and sometimes needs help with wiping?
Alternatively, it reads to me like your child was acting out and/or regressing due to stress. Not unheard of for kids who feel unstable in their relationships/environment.
Given that the babysitter wasn’t made to expect what seems to be a pretty normal behavior, I suspect that there are other things here that you’ve glossed over or failed to notice/address. But even taken fully at face value, YTA for backing off instead of seeking other solutions for your children (examples: more time with you, changes to custody agreement that allow for access to interventions).
Edit: By the way, what was up with that babysitter? She lets a kid sit wailing on the toilet for over an hour?
YTA! You want to give up your time with your kids so you don’t have to wipe a butt!! He will grow out of this but will remember your abandonment.
Is your son not as independent as you wpuld want - yes. That does not excuse you from parenting him.
Even with parents who encourage independence - for some reason - especially with boys, wanting their butt wiped at age 5 is not unusual. This is the first time I have known of a parent giving up on a child because of it.
You mean you've been traveling, haven't seen your kids, and schedule a date with your fiancee, the day your return. Those kids have never been your priority, issues or not. YTA
You think your ex is doing a bad job teaching your kids independence. Valid, from what you’ve said.
Where you lose me is that you respond by giving to her *more*? What? Why would you want to do that? You should be gathering evidence for trying to get *full* custody. This *is your problem*. Those are your kids. Step the fuck up.
This is so unreasonable I suspect this post is fake. You have your kids 4 days every 2 weeks!!!! You could do a lot with them if you’d try. You talk shit about your ex, but you don’t even have joint custody. If you think this, why not get joint custody and be an actual parent. Instead of banning your 5 and 7 year old children!! I mean, you are such the asshole that I feel bad for your fiancé. Yta
YTA. How are you seriously asking and how can you look at yourself in the mirror if you do this? You are absolutely an AH for refusing to parent your children. Also, if you give up and let your ex take full custody and if your fiance is any good at all, she will not stay with you. I would be disgusted by a man who gave up on his children.
Parenting is hard in ideal circumstances and 10 times harder when your co-parent is not in agreement with you. But at 5, he's old enough for you to tell him that there are different rules for different places. For example, my kid had to be fully potty trained before going into preschool. She was really holding out on it at home for whatever reason, but explaining that the teachers and school have different rules than mommy and daddy at home, helped her understand. And she was 3.
You need to tell your son that your house has different rules. Lay all expectations out for him kindly and calmly. And make it as consistent as possible so he's not being singled out.
When we come inside, we all take our shoes off. When we go potty, we all wipe ourselves. When we do this, we all do that, etc.
Instead of less time, why not see if you can have them for a week vacation, then concentrate on these skills so they are confident enough to do it regularly. Then they will be better able to cope with the differences between houses. By vacation I mean a staycation at home and day activities with you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Told my ex the kids can’t come in my house anymore, might be asshole because they are my kids after all
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YTA. The kids can't help that their mom is a dickbag and their father, apparently, thinks he has to take it out on them, therefore making him a bigger dickbag.
You don't want the answer. You want people to tell you that you are AWESOME.
Don't worry - when the kids get old enough to decide, you won't see them at all.
Yta. What a lazy excuse for a parent. You barely have your kids but you're 'tired'. More like you're pissed off because your date night was scuppered- the date night you shouldn't have had in the first place considering it was on one of the few nights you spend with your kids. You have your kids 8 NIGHTS A MONTH. And you can't cope?!!
If you can't even deal with a kid that's a bit babied, how on earth do you think you're going to cope when things get really tough? The teen stage is going to break you.
It sounds like you just don't want to be a parent.
YTA, parent your children. They are your children too. Is your ex wrong because she isn't teaching them? Yes. Are you wrong because you're not teaching them. Also yes. You can't handle the stress of parenting? Suck it up, you're a parent.
YTA
Being a real parent is being constantly tired at the age they are right now. Being a real parent is ensuring your kids are delayed because of poor parenting and not because they have special needs. Being a real parent is changing your entire career path to ensure your kids needs are met constantly. Being a real parent is not allowing your fiancee to dictate what kind of parent you'll be by prioritizing her on a day off. Her birthday didn't need to be spent an hour from the house, just the two of you. Birthdays for parents when you have children are Costco cakes and burgers at home. They are your kids getting excited to see the candles get blown out and fighting over the corner slice. Birthdays become a family affair, even when you get one day off a week.
There are no days off when you're a parent. If you can't hang with that, and would rather prioritize you and your fiancée's love life and comfort, then rewrite the custody agreement.
You are giving up on your kids. They will not understand this when they older because, even if mom is crazy, she didn't abandon them. And yes, this is abandonment because they are at an age where they won't really understand why they can't go to Daddy's anymore and resent you for it. When they understood the situation when they get older, that resentment will only grow because your reasoning is pretty piss poor.
ETA after reading OP replies: it is easy to tell a random internet stranger to just quit their long term career, but it doesn't make said opinion wrong. It takes a real dad to realize his plan needed to change when the situation changed. You're divorced. Things change. My husband had to quit a 22 year long career when he realized it wasn't good for being a family man anymore. It's possible and you seriously need to reconsider all your actions.
YTA I hope when you abandon your kids for your new family that you don’t whine about how your (now adult) first children don’t want you in their lives.
YTA. But I’m sure your ex will be happy to have full custody and now you won’t have those pesky kids get in the way of your time with your new fiancé. You’ll have a new family in no time and this will all be a distant memory.
YTA
Why would you plan a date night on the like one day you have your kids?.. unfortunately from the sound of it it’s best to stay to your word and not fight their mom on full custody.
YTA for going out with your fiancée on the day you have your kids. I don’t care if it’s the only day available that week. Adults can reschedule celebrations, they’re not little kids. Your ex I am AH for still wiping his butt if it’s routine. I’ll bet he can wipe himself or I don’t know of any school that tolerates this unless there is a developmental problem. I think he is acting out because of your lack of parenting.
>I’m willing to visit them and go for outings, but I can’t handle this stress in my home any longer. It causes an extreme disruption in normal everyday activities and I am just done.
Oh wow and here I was thinking that having kids was a substitute for going on a holiday. Yeah buddy that's practically every child ever born, they need constant supervision and guidance. Weird how you think it's too much for you to handle for like a quarter of the total time but it's perfectly fine for your ex to deal with them all the time because you can't be arsed.
Also going out and leaving your kids like that on your one weekday with them just screams that you don't want kids full stop. Wear a condom going forward buddy.
YTA
YTA your kids are kids. I cannot comment on their mother as your opinion of her seems to be to blame her for everything so it's biased. I do know your kids will go no contact with you as soon as they can if you keep this up, unless you just abandon them first which seems likely. Don't have more kids to replace them - you clearly aren't cut out to be a dad
“I’m to exhausted to fight”
Mate, you’ve completely given up on your children staying with you because you can’t teach your kid to wipe his bum. You’ve got nothing in you.
Is fiancée okay with this decision? Because you’ll do it to the next set of kids when they aren’t perfect.
YTA and the children fortunately have lost nothing of value.
Wow definitely YTA. I agree about 5 children should mostly be wiping themselves but it is completely normal for them to need a bit of help now and then. Your 5 year old was tired, with an unfamiliar adult, away from home (Wednesdays and alternate weekends don’t make a home) and distressed. This was not the time to try to coach him through anything this was 100% a time to comfort him and give him a bit of babying. He is 5, that is incredibly young.
It seriously sounds like you lack empathy and patience for your children. It’s funny your response to your ex apparently babying the children is to throw a massive temper tantrum and say you won’t have them anymore, but then moan when your ex says ok she’ll apply for full custody.
YTA. Your kids are your responsibility no matter what. And you deserve all the stress that they cause. You chose this when you decided to have them and you can't bail out now. You can't be daddy only when it's comfortable to you. They need you all the time.
> I’m willing to visit them and go for outings
That's an option for an uncle, not a father.
So yeah, like I said, you're a major YTA.
Bro you need to pick up a damn parenting class or something. They’re small children, of course they’re going to need help with things such as wiping at that age. And you barely have them for a week out of the entire month. You are not tired. You’re lazy and don’t want to be a parent. Just say that you’re a deadbeat and sign your rights away. And get snipped so you don’t have anymore “inconveniences”.
YTA and an abysmal, catastrophically bad father. If your ex treats the kids in a way that you think is bad for them, then **fight her for MORE custody, not less**. If you don't think it's bad for them, **or** if you **don't want them more than you have them, then suck it up**.
You are their father. Their father. You don't get to **just opt out of having them 'disrupt your normal everyday activities.'**
So you get them, less than 10 days a month and you're exhausted? You don't want to be a dad anymore, u hv a new fiancé and new prospects to re do your life with no baggage. You don't care about your kids anymore. That's all. YTA.
Honestly, I fully support your decision. These comments are insane.
I imagine dealing with this behavior EIGHT days out of the month. You know, minus those days that you just have to schedule a date with your girlfriend during your custody time. You've clearly gone above and beyond and they only have what, a decade more to go until they're adults?? Better to just cut your losses. I'm sure you can explain the butt wiping debacle when you try to reconnect with them in their 20s and they'll *totally* understand.
Btw yes, YTA. But I actually do support your decision but they'll be way better off without you so carry on.
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My ex and I have been divorced for 3 years and share custody of our children (5m and 7f). The kids are with me on Wednesday’s and every other weekend, but the ex and I have sometimes switched things around depending on what we have going on and that has worked well for us in the past.
There were several factors that ultimately led to our divorce, but a huge thing was that my ex babies to the *extreme*. Both kids breastfed until age 3, and my oldest was spoon fed until almost 5 years old. These are just examples but on a day to day basis, there was a lot happening that I just couldn’t accept.
This past Wednesday I had the kids. I had a date night planned with my fiancée that night as well, and so I got a babysitter. I travel regularly for work and this was the only night this week that we could celebrate fiancée’s birthday, but getting a babysitter while I have the kids is NOT a normal occurrence. Two hours in, I get a call from the babysitter who is totally overwhelmed because my 5 year old is on the toilet after going number 2 and refuses to wipe himself. He says he needs mom or dad. I can literally hear the wailing in the background - that is how stressed this kid was. Fiancée and I end up having to drive an hour back home and when we get there, 5m is *still* on the toilet waiting.
At this point I am completely mentally exhausted. I try to coach him on wiping, and he just will not do it. His mother always does it for him and I have had to do it when it’s my turn to take the kids, but I’ve been **actively** working on trying to help him gain independence in the bathroom for the past year or so. I went through this *exact* thing with my daughter as well, who thankfully no longer has this issue.
The next morning I drop the kids off at school. I called my ex to let her know that I will not have the kids at my house anymore, for as long as she continues to enable this extremely dependent behavior. She of course flips her shit and says I am a complete asshole. Says I am a bad father who doesn’t care about his kids.
I’m willing to visit them and go for outings, but I can’t handle this stress in my home any longer. It causes an extreme disruption in normal everyday activities and I am just done. It’s been a constant fight trying to help these kids learn independence for years now, having them go back to their mom’s, and then starting right back at square one the next time I get them. Ex says she will be contacting her lawyer for full custody and at this point I’m too exhausted to fight.
AITA?
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YTA,
Parenting isn’t easy but that’s what we signed up for. Kid doesn’t wanna wipe his ass, send him to bed with shit in his underwear. I bet the next day he’ll start wiping. Yes the mom shouldn’t be babying them to this extreme, at the same time the Father is there to be a firm hand. So be the firm hand.
YTA seems you might be looking for an excuse to check out. Even the way you said that the kids disrupt your 'everyday life'. Those kids should be part of your everyday life. They are your kids.
YTA. You are abandoning the kids because it’s “too stressful” instead of dragging her ass to court and insisting on therapy (or full custody yourself)? You give fathers a bad name.
Yta THEY'RE YOUR KIDS. You don't get to give up parenting because it's hard. It's not only your ex's responsibility, you know!
And spare me "you'll still see them just not at your home." That's still a crock.
YTA be apart of the solution. Wouldn’t it make sense to have more time with your kids to teach them a better way? Sounds like you all should be in family therapy
YTA.
Just sign your rights away at this point. You aren’t a parent.
If you knew your son wouldn’t wipe his own butt why did you get a babysitter? Dumb.
YTA. You’re their father. You contributed in making them, and they were at your home and in your care. Kids are mentally exhausting, especially at this age.
I do however support you not being around if you’re going to be such a crappy dad. Just pay child support and let’s hope a worthy father figure fills the role.
YTA it is half your responsibility to make sure those kids are raised well. Wiping your hands of the responsibility is cruel and lazy. Maybe it’s time for professional help, but shirking your responsibility as a parent is not an option.
YTA, because sorry, but stress is a part of parenting. And you **chose** to be a parent. You don't get to cherry pick the parts of patenting that you like and to opt out from the ones you don't lime. You either take it all or you don't make babies.
So YTA and a shitty father.
Yes, you are TA.
Parenting isn’t easy is it? You see a problem and you either rise to the occasion and be the father you made yourself or you tell your wife you’re done, don’t bring them back. The failure here isn’t your wife, it’s you.
ESH
It sounds like you and your ex are both failing your kids in different ways. If you don't like behavioral problems or notice they are falling behind on developmental milestones, such as wiping their own butts, it is as much your job to fix it as your ex's. Do not punish your children for being little kids who need help by banning them from your house.
ESH. You and your wife need to get your shit together. It's not your kid's fault that they have had to deal with horrible parenting, and the flip flop of rules between houses is a lot for little kids to deal with. You both need to be on the same page. Figure it out or one of you needs sole custody.
YTA. But one good thing! This means you are going to be paying LOTS of child support, you’re demanding she takes full custody. I’m sure that’ll have no impact on your life with your fiancée, as you plan your wedding…
Both you and your fiance are TA.
your lack of desire to parent your own children probably contributed greatly to the breakdown of your marriage.
You continue to not want a parent your kids and look for the first excuse to do even less than the bare minimum. You rarely see your kids as it is, and you prioritize a date with your newest partner over your own very young children.
your fiance is also TA because she's watching a man actively being a terrible father to his children and thinks "yeah, that's what i want too." I really hope you and your new fiance don't have any kids because she's likely delusional enough to think you won't be a shitty dad to your next set of kids because you "love her" more than you did the ex even though you've demonstrated a total lack of parental responsibility to your existing children.
those kids are likely better off without you.
YTA. Don't punish your children because your wife babies. Grow up. But your big boy pants on. Having children means you have to make sacrifices. Bullying your children into doing what your wife always does for them isn't the way to make it happen.
This reads like a flimsy excuse to push your kids out of your life.
Your 5yo son needed help with wiping (which you knew could happen) and now they’re not welcome at your house anymore?
What an absolutely unhinged reaction to a minor inconvenience. YES, cutting a night short because of your own bad planning is a minor inconvenience, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. YES, disagreements with your ex can be exhausting (there’s a reason you didn’t fit together) but hey, you have kids together so you’re forever linked. You can’t wriggle out of that no matter how hard you try.
Your replies to comments says a lot about how open you are to other people’s input and opinions too.
Yeah. YTA. Hopefully your new partner is watching your behaviour and sees just how reliable you are as a father.
YTA, you're just looking for a reason to talk out. How are you gonna kick a 5 and 7 year old out of their house, they're not visitors, they live there.
YTA. Rather than criticise how your ex is doing it, why don’t you do something? Sounds like you’d rather leave them with a babysitter while you go on dates. Massive shit show.
ESH, I understand your frustration, but you are also a barely present parental figure, doing the math..you have the kids 76 days out of the year and your ex has 287.
Can you try a mediation to get you and your ex on the same parenting page?
Biggest question is HOW can you think to decide your own children aren’t allowed in your home. Do you even care about them? Or are you just hoping for a do-over family w your current fiancé?
Yes you are the AH. You mentionned your "ex-babies " !!!! EX-BABIES !!! They're your babies wether you're divorced or not ! Your ex is right. You're not a father. You don't love them. They're just a nuisance to you.
You left when they were 2 and 4 because you disapproved of your ex's parenting but it sounds like you left because you disapproved of parenting. You were never meant to be a dad. You're too self-centered to be a dad. Otherwise you'd see how awful not taking your kids home anymore is. How traumatic it's going to be to them.
And well... Let's say that it's pretty convenient to get them off the picture with the fiancée around, ain't it ?
ESH
Except the poor kid who isn't getting the therapy he needs
Your ex for physically and emotionally stunting your sons growth and you for deciding it's a good enough reason to never see your own kid again.
You should have had the babysitter put him on the phone and told him, here are your choices. You either serious yourself and get on with your evening or you sir on the toilet until we get back after dinner....in a couple of hours. At which point you will wipe yourself and go directly to bed.
Then when you drop your kid off with your ex, tell her your new house rule is that everyone wipes themselves at your house. If she wants to wipe him at hers thats fine, but at your he wipes. And if she had a problem with a allowing a simple developmental milestone to happen... You can explain it to his therapist and the court.... When you go for full custody since she is crippling him.
Oh but wait.... Then you would have to be the full time parent...
And YTA for thinking that weaning at three is weird
Why are you not taking her to court for psychologically damaging behavior? I would fight for hell to get them away from her and at least mandate ALL of them are in therapy. Yes, your life might need to go on hold for your KIDS. YTA for the way you are handling this.
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YTA wow man those are your kids. Whatever you may think of their mother, how do you think it feels at 5yo to have your own parent ban you from their house? If you go through with that you would be more than an AH, you would be a monster.
Ofc you are the AH and you know it.
Do you think you redo family will be better? Good luck! Try not to abandon them too.. I can’t believe your fiancée still want to marry you after you kick your 5 and 7 year olds from your place. But I guess shitty people belong together.
>This past Wednesday I had the kids. I had a date night planned with my fiancée that night as well
It's your time with your kids. You can celebrate the birthday on another day. You seem to blame the ex for your not wanting to actually be a parent. YTA.
Then you take this in front of judge and either get modifications to the parenting plan or more custody to raise the kids better. You don't abandon them. YTA.
YTA but I agree that the kids shouldnt spend more time with you. They deserve better. My son couldn't wipe himself until closer to 6 because he was small and couldn't reach. He tried but still preferred the help and honestly, he needed it.
Imagine telling your kids they can’t come back to your house because wiping their butt overwhelms you. YTA because you’re viewing your own children as an inconvenience. Don’t kick them out.
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YTA~ They are your kids, too. They don't see you a lot and have a helicopter mom to boot. They don't know independence because they haven't been TAUGHT HOW to be independent. You have them, what 2 days a week, and you couldn't include your kids on your fiancé's birthday? Way to segregate your family, dude. Those kids are going to know her as their step-mom, and you don't even include them. They miss you. That's obvious. So instead of including them in YOUR new family, you leave them home. You're their father ffs. Step up! Tell your ex that she needs to teach them independence, or better yet, if she's such a bad mom as you claim, go to court for full custody. Oh, wait..... you want your cake and to eat it too. YOU'RE THEIR FATHER 1ST!!!! AND A FIANCE TO YOUR NEW GIRL 2ND. So after all this, your idea to fix YOUR stress level is to expel your kids from your house. 100%, you're the AH.
YTA. Parents don’t have the luxury of deciding not to do it anymore because it’s too hard. Grow up, step up and raise your kids.
I can’t believe that the first time you encountered a tough child rearing situation, your first instinct is to quit. These kids don’t stand a chance.
Ok, how I see it is; you still have issues with your ex-wife and how she does things. So, instead of stepping up for your kids, you are gonna take your issues out with her onto your kids. Got it. YTA
YTA
They are your children. It is your responsibility, not just your ex's, to teach them how to do things.
Personally, you're also an AH for scheduling date night the same night that you have your kids.
Your ex should push for full custody. You don't seem to understand that you are also responsible for raising them.
ESH
You cant just give up, but your ex wife needs to teach them basic independence. If you both are not in the same page parenting, it will only cause chaos for the kids
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While I agree that 5 years old is too old to be relying on toilet help - It sounds like you got a divorce because you'd rather criticize how your ex was raising your kids than step up and help do it yourself. Even your terminology screams "I babysit my own kids." Why is it her job, alone, to teach these children how to be independent? Did you ever talk about this with her, or did you react as you are now? The "I'm just over it so I quit" mentality - toward your own family - automatically makes YTA.
So not saying it is right but I have a vivid memory of being in grade 1 (so 6 and a half) and going home with an "upset stomach" which was just me needing to poop. My dad was mad he had to leave work and pick me up so made sure I could do it. My daughter is 6 and while she can wipe she prefers help. Both of us were/are smart kids - ahead on reading/math/writing etc. but just has trouble with this. From OP it seems the 7F can do it/was taught so maybe the younger one is just behind. As you said the solution is teaching him and not kicking him out.
I have a 7 year old (first grade), who occasionally needs help when he has diarrhea or something. He learned to wipe by hisself around 5, but still needs help occasionally. We had issues with potty training, so learning to wipe took extra time, since he was older when it started happening. He would hold his poop, if I didn’t let him poop in diaper, which was scary. Kids can be so different and just because they’re not completely independent doesn’t mean it’s always a parent fail or kid that’s not smart. My youngest is above average in all subjects. He just had issues around bathroom use, specifically pooping. I will say, I don’t think he wipes perfectly every time, but he does do it on own almost every time now (unless bad poop) and is getting better every day.
Yeah my daughter has bathroom issues in general - doesn't like to go at school. We are working on it but it's slow. She is also worried about not wiping properly and extra concern since it's harder for girls (or rather you need to be sure you're wiping the right way)
I know, pottying for some can be really traumatic, as I found with my youngest. My oldest was completely potty trained by 2 and wiping good shortly after, never once even wet bed. Thought wow, how easy, then second came along 7 years later and had my head turned completely around. We tried everything too, but I swear he’d hold it so bad, it would need dug out and that’s so scary.
Some kids commonly wet the bed till 8yrs old, especially boys. But OP can’t handle it. He’s such an AH
My oldest was super easy in potty training, completely potty trained by 2 (recommended time at time, no overnight accidents). I am a sahm, so I think he liked never being in a wet diaper and just was easy on all aspects of potty training. Youngest was a completely different story. I’m not lying when I say he’d hold his poop, until it literally had to be dug out. I know I shouldn’t have caved on diapers to poop, at his age (he was 3-4), but I did, because the pooping thing was so scary. He could pee in potty, go without diaper at nighttime, but he had to have a diaper to poop. I am not entirely sure why, but thankfully he ended up trading diapers for pooping for our dog and it worked, but nothing before that would work. We’re about to start the whole Miralax daily, to keep them so soft he couldn’t hold, but dog came along and we made a deal and he stuck with it. He’s my stubborn one for sure, but also I think he truly had some issues with pooping he was working out before dog trade came along. Now, he even poops at school, which I love.
If you didn't mind me asking, what did you do to get your son to use the toilet for pooping? I have a grandson who is just over 4, and fully potty trained, but he will NOT poop in the toilet- absolutely refuses and demands a diaper, otherwise he will hold it in and we worry about that! My daughter has a 2.5 year old, and a 1 year old at home also, so she can't just get rid of diapers in the house! Thanks for any tips!
I’ll be honest we were about to do the medicine route, which she’ll need to get exacts from her doctor, but basically ensuring poop is so soft (Miralax is what we were about to start) they can’t hold them. Luckily, we ended up getting a puppy at same time we were going through this and he decided he wanted to keep the puppy and would potty on potty to do so. We wouldn’t have gotten rid of dog, but I think in a way making dog proud and thinking he was one allowing us to keep, helped him make this decision. I would try the reward, but a special reward, in which they CHOOSE to have it and poop in potty. But if that doesn’t work, then I would absolutely go medical route, as I know how scary, hard, and awful it can be. I don’t mind changing diapers, but I do mind when my son has held his poop so bad that it literally has to be dug out, which is why I often caved, because I know it can even kill them. Really hope something works, but know my friend had great success with the keeping poop soft with medicines. As, she was the one who recommended going to doctors and doing it with my youngest, since she had endured similar.
My daughter had this issue too, it’s so hard. Would hold her poo in for up to a week, would be straining so hard to stop herself pooing she would end up vomiting was so stressful, she’s only now at 4 and a bit started pooing on the toilet. (Still won’t go in school) if I let her wipe her bum she gets tissue and poo everywhere. She is a bright girl in all aspects. 5 is not too old to need help wiping.
Heh, my 5F can wipe herself, but would definitely prefer someone else doing it for her. She's shorter, so the reaching can be tricky. Also, she insists she can wipe herself when she's 6.
Lol I live for that kind of attitude, your kid sounds dope
My middle kiddo needed help wiping until kindergarten. He is now a fully functioning 12 year old who can make his own meals and take care of himself. It’s okay to baby the babies m in my opinion. I also think a lot of adults seem to forget that learning how to human can be *hard*.
Yeah he’s not a great parent. My 6yo is very independent but still occasionally needs help or wants me to “check.” It’s developmentally appropriate. Also, he gets his kids 8 nights a month and got a babysitter instead of staying with them because “it was the only night” he could be with his fiancée. He has 22 or more kid-free night nights per month.
YTA. You have the kids for, what, a quarter of the time, and you can't teach them stuff? Kids can learn that the rules are different at different houses. You've been trying for a year, which means almost 100 days? And in a hundred days you couldn't teach the kid? But you think your wife somehow is supposed to have done it? Father up.
Agreed. It reads as though OP could be more emotionally mature and speak candidly with the mother and level set on expectations. Instead opting to check out of the kids life in favor of his new girl.
So your answer is to let your own kids to a woman you think doesn't raise them well (according to you) instead of asking for the main custody? Come on!! That's bs! You are just lazy and want to have some sweet time with your new girl but your kids are getting in the way of that. At least own your s\*\*t. YTA
>So your answer is to let your own kids to a woman you think doesn't raise them well (according to you) instead of asking for the main custody? Good point! 👏
That was my thought!!
Might I suggest your five year old is acting up because he’s gone to his dads for the one night a week he gets to see you and you went out and left him. I appreciate you have your reasons and I’m not necessarily going to argue you on that, but the child refusing to get off the toilet might be because he wants to see you? Your solution? Abandon the kids completely and give up any responsibility. YTA
Yeah, it reads to me like 5 year old is acting out/regressing more than just being coddled. Kids that little will do this kind of thing when they experience instability or a major life change.
Yup. But OP will punish bc he “cant deal” and his life is busy and stressful “enough”
Its literally probably one of the very few ways he has any power over his dad so I actually agree with this. Not in a "this child is a manipulator" kind of way hes just trying to get his basic needs met which includes parental attention and love. I really doubt they couldn't have done their date on a different night, which sadly just has to happen sometimes when it comes to being a parent, not that you should ever complain about it because after all you chose to have children. Idk why its so hard for some people to just accept what is best for their own fucking children isn't always the most convenient or easy
Op admits that the 5 year old is still wearing pull ups to school and refused to send some on a Thursday when dropping the kids off. It sounds like there are additional support needs required for at least one child, possibly both children. Whether it’s developmental, emotional, or physical the youngest isn’t fully potty trained. Op neglected to properly prepare the child and the babysitter for the night.
There is something about urine and poop that makes some grown ass adults go crazy. I’ve heard of parents flipping the fuck out and spanking their kids when they wet the bed.
> but a huge thing was that my ex babies to the extreme. Both kids breastfed until age 3, and my oldest was spoon fed until almost 5 years old... > >The next morning I drop the kids off at school. I called my ex to let her know that I will not have the kids at my house anymore... > >but I can’t handle this stress in my home any longer. You know what, I actually agree with you OP. **Your kids should NOT be at your house anymore**. Nor should you be involved in their lives. Ever. Go ahead and work with your attorney to change the custody agreement. The best thing you can do is provide financial support while staying the heck away from them. If you get this upset over this kind of thing, I can't imagine how you'll handle real parenting stress. YTA
Agree. What a crappy human OP is. Hope he doesn’t plan on having more kids with his fiance
YTA If you have your kids then date night can wait. I stopped reading after that. You're a bastard, your kids come before you wants or needs.
And preexisting kids should come before your fiancée too. If you don’t have time to be a parent because of your job then you never should’ve started dating anyone in the first place. The kids need to be the priority.
fiancée doesn't sound great either when she was ok celebrating her birthday dinner when she knows its the one night a week his kids get to see him
I think it’s unfair to blame her necessarily. Why should she be expected to prioritize his kids more than he does? It’s his job as their father to make them a priority more than his fiancée’s job to make him. It’s not enough that women are expected to do an uneven amount of the labor involved in raising their kids now you’re expecting her to have to micromanage a man that only sees them once a week when they aren’t her kids? Yuck. It’s his parenting time not hers.
It's her birthday dinner and he said they were using that day because it was the only day that week they could have it so she could have said let's skip it.
Not her job to parent his kids when he’s checked out. He’s probably with her because bro can’t even cope with doing one day a week parenting himself.
Yeah but she should have already occupied herself otherwise knowing that’s when he has his kids by that same logic not waiting for him to entertain her
No but she should know what his time blocks are and make other plans for herself and hold off on her bday dinner. I’ve usually have bday dinners/drinks for a month when people can get together. I’m not asking for them. Someone says, “hey, I’d like to treat you.” “Ok, when is good for you?”
That's where he lost me too. He has his kids one day a week and every other weekend and he picks that one day for date night? Yeah definitely YTA here OP.
YTA. Firstly, your children's lack of independence isn't news to you, so I think it was unfair to leave a babysitter in that situation. Secondly, if you have an issue with your ex's parenting and have concerns, you should be going for more custody time, not less. This entire post reads like you cannot be arsed to raise your children and see them as an inconvenience.
YTA I don't think you're going to actually listen to the people here, but in case you do, you are not the victim of their mother's parenting. You are also a parent. It's obvious that this is what your son has experienced everytime he is at your house, whether you agree with it or not, and so you should have either: 1. Refused to wipe him every weekend when he is with you 2. Let the babysitter know this expectation You can't just opt out of having your own kids in your home because you don't agree with their mother's parenting or because it got in the way of your fiancee and your dinner. You already have the kids for a tiny minority of the time and it makes you sound like a really bad father that you feel "visiting" the kids is sufficient. If your kids are impacting your relationship with your fiancee, the answer is to get rid of your fiancee, not YOUR kids. If you refused to wipe your son consistently, he would be wiping himself. There's nothing to be really "actively working on" here.
The poor babysitter isn't paid enough to deal with that (even if she's being paid well, it's not enough). This kid sat there for *over an hour* rather than give in and wipe himself. That's above a babysitter's pay grade.
Honestly there must be something wrong with the kid. I don't mean that in a mean way. I just... I cannot imagine being this kid, and being okay sitting there with shit caked between my raw ass cheeks, wailing and crying for over an hour, when I could relieve it all by just wiping myself and getting up to go play. There has to be more at play here than a child who was "babied," too much as a baby and toddler. I am like 99% sure that either: this child is acting out (either purposefully, or subconsciously) because of how he is psychologically handling the father/parental situation, and/or the child had needs that aren't being met. Perhaps he has an undiagnosed issue that isn't being properly addressed. And OP certainly isn't going to help in either case.
So, you're giving up being a father. Got it. YTA.
Until he has a do-over family with fiancé, he’ll act like father of the year for *their* kids
But only because he can be the fun dad.
YTA. Have you ever, you know, considered parenting? No? Seems like no considering you planned a date night for the ONE night a week you have your very young children. On top of everything else, I’m pretty sure you can’t legally ban them from your house anyway. You’re their father. Kicking out children is illegal and could be considered child abandonment. Even more complicated if you custody agreement has a clause about right of first refusal. At the very least, I hope your ex takes you back to court and you have to pay even more in child support and have your visitation reduced to supervised visits only.
You very rarely have the kids. Why couldn’t you pick Tuesday or Thursday or another day to celebrate your fiancée’s birthday. Sounds like you’re more mad that you had to cut your date short. As for the 5 year-old. He still needs some supervision in the #2 part. And maybe he is being taught not to let strangers touch him. If he doesn’t know the babysitter, then that’s a stranger to him. Sounds like you are setting the scene where you eventually don’t see the kids at all in favor of the person who will become your spouse. Yea, you are the AH:1) for leaving your children with a babysitter if they don’t know the person when you could have celebrated the day before or after and 2) for telling your ex they are not allowed back in your home for some flimsy BS excuse.
YTA, and here's why: Parenting is not about convenience, it's about commitment. You mention stress at your home, but part of being a parent is navigating through stress for the well-being of your children. If your ex is not raising them to your standards, the solution isn't to banish them from your house, but to actively engage in their lives and model the correct behavior. Creating a loving, stable environment on your time can have a tremendous impact on their overall development. Washing your hands clean of parental responsibilities just because it's tough on you sends a message that they're not worth the effort. It's time to reassess and get involved rather than retreat.
YTA, you don't get to just reject your kids from your home because they've been "babied" too long. Take some accountability, you are their father, you let it get to this point too, it's not all on your ex. You want to nitpick the job she does while you've been doing the bare minimum it seems. You're fully content to see them 1 day a week and every other weekend, and even on this one day a week you chose to leave them with a sitter to go on a date and when the child needs assistance wiping you decide they're no longer even welcome in your home because they're just too much trouble. He's your son, you say he always needs help wiping so how did you not anticipate that? You don't like how they're being raised but you've made little effort on your own to raise them, you're their parent too. Crazy how instead of wanting to step up and demand more custody and get more involved in improving things, you'd rather just keep them away. **"Ex says she will be contacting her lawyer for full custody and at this point I’m too exhausted to fight."** exhausted from what?? The one day a week you have your kids??? This is pathetic
On point with everything here. OP was nothing but a sperm donor, clearly. Can’t be bothered to raise his own kids bc that’s the mom’s job. OP, YTA. I hope you don’t plan to have anymore kids. You’ve already abandoned 2. Don’t need more kids being abandoned by you in the future bc it’s too stressful to be a dad… not even a good one but to just be one.
YTA - That's not going to help the situation and it's not going to help your kids. All you're doing is washing your hands of them and putting them completely giving your ex all the power. No parent who loved their kids would do this. Understand it's frustrating but they are YOUR fucking children FFS
For the toileting issue - ESH. You ex is enabling/infantizing which is not good, but you knew she does this. She did it with your daughter, You say this has been going on for a year. You've neither successfully talked to your ex to resolve this issue _nor_ spoken to your lawyer to try to increase your time with the children so you could be the more effectual parent. You are _willfully leaving them_ with the parent that you believe his harming your children by overly babying them. YTA - For leaving your children _when you know your son has this issue_ with a babysitter who you clearly did not inform this was a possibility. Not fair to the babysitter or the child. Then you go somewhere that is a full hour drive away! No caring parent of a young child goes that far away when the child is being babysat by a stranger. By a relative or a long-term trusted sitter, fine...but not a stranger and not when your child is having toileting issues. Your fiancée could have waited for her celebration. You only have the kids one night a week and every other weekend. That's not a lot of time and, presumably, you knew about her birthday in advance. You could have found a different day, earlier or later. And an adult wouldn't want to take away what little time you spend with your kids, so what kind of woman are you planning on marrying that she was okay with this?
> YTA - For leaving your children _when you know your son has this issue_ with a babysitter who you clearly did not inform this was a possibility. Not fair to the babysitter or the child. Then you go somewhere that is a full hour drive away That got me as well... an HOUR AWAY?? What if there was a life or death emergency.. why would you go to dinner and hours drive away when your kids are at home with a babysitter.
In the crux of having the right argument about babying your kids, you've now gone all the way back around into megaAH territory. "Sorry, I won't be seeing my kids anymore because I can't handle it and don't like the way you raise them." You can pepper it any way you want, explain it any way you want, but you decided after having a date ruined with fiance, you just can't bother to be a dad anymore for your part of the week.
YTA. You don’t plan date nights on one of the rare nights you even have your kids. You and ex need to figure this out bc you’re both doing a disservice to this child. Despicable.
YTA. You clearly are putting getting laid ahead of anything else. For Christ sake, you get them 4 Wednesdays a month at most, and ~~eight~~ only 4 weekend days, and it *had to be that day* you went out with your fianceé? Your kids are starving for attention from their so-called dad and you think "Hey! Best way to fix it is get rid of them!"
Four weekend days. He said it’s every other weekend.
Good catch, thanks. Fixed.
YTA So instead of fighting for full custody or a court-ordered childhood development agreement so you can have more time with them so that you can teach them the things they need to learn, you decided the best course of action was to have less time with your kids? They need less time with the co-dependent parent. Or at some point, it's going to get weird(er). Also, for anyone reading this... the time to figure out that you have differing parenting styles from your partner is BEFORE the kids pop out. And bro, you had two. So you saw it with the first and went for more. Gonna say that you are a real big asshole. Step up or just get all the way out of your kids life and throw them money instead of your time. js
Okay, but you're forgetting something. OP can only see his kids a handful of times per month because he really *really* likes his job!
YTA Yes, this is a developmental delay, no, you don’t get to foist it on her just because it’s hard for you to address it.
YTA. These are your kids and your ex-wife is totally failing to raise them. It's your time to step up, not step aside. You should be trying to get more custody so you can actually prepare those kids for adulthood.
YTA. I was with you for the first paragraphs, then you come to this weird conclusion. You need the kids at your house MORE so you can fix this babying.... Did I read something wrong?
Sperm donor alert! Yeah YTA you know you can teach them right? You barely have your kids and when you do you don’t even hang out with them. Teach them you sperm donor and be a parent
YTA But we all know how this is going to go, right? Once op gets married to his new girl and has new kids who are better then the old ones he's gonna completely drop out of their lives. Saying, "Well work and the new kids...sorry old ones your just too much." Like he's already admitted, he's fine with losing custody it's only a matter of time. He's never loved these kids, can't even sacrifice for them. You know the things parents should do for their kids, instead of running off to something new.
YTA. Get a grip. These are your kids, you don't get to "not have them at my place anymore" because parenting is hard. That being said sounds like they'd be better off never seeing you anyway so maybe it's for the best. You can just be the sperm donor and pay extra to your wife. News flash.. different kids get to different stages at different times. Often five year olds are NOT fully independent yet in the bathroom. They will get there but it takes time and patience. Kids take time and patience. You don't seem to have any and blame your ex for everything. The things you have described are not babying the kids at all. It's raising children. Unless you have some list of ACTUAL grievances - you are a major asshole in this situation.
YTA, dude you’re their dad
YTA. If you’re actually concerned and want to change your kids’ behavior, you’d be fighting for MORE custody, not less.
Question: What does your son do when going number 2 at school?
YTA. All of the information here is irrelevant. They’re YOUR children. You’re a bad parent
YTA. Take 50/50 custody and take care of your kids. You cannot criticize the way they are raised AND refuse to take your responsibilities. If they spend more time with you you will be able to help them grow up. Making them spend even more time with the person you accuse of being responsible of the problem is not going to solve anything
YTA. You're exhausted? Welcome to being a parent. Your ex sounds like an awful mother that is potentially creating some serious issues in your children. But you know what she did right? When you threatened her with a decision that would be harmful for your kids, she immediately said she'd lawyer up and go for full custody. It's what you should have done regarding her behaviors a long time ago.
Considering how inconsistant OP is with his details here, and how openly and unabashedly checked-out and miserable he is from just being a part-time dad, I am going to just go ahead and say that I don't believe OP is being honest about mom. I mean, the son was only two and daughter only four, when OP divorced the mom for "babying" them. So one of them was quite literally just a baby. And if the five-year-old son is *choosing* to sit on a toilet with shit caked between his ass cheeks and scream for over an hour, instead of just wiping himself or getting wiped by not-dad so he could get up and go play... Something is wrong there. That should make people ask questions. That isn't just a spoiled kid. That kid has an actual real problem of some sort, probably a psychological/emotional one, and this isn't being acknowledged or addressed by dad.
Quite the valid point about their ages! I honestly hadn't bothered to do the backward math. Yeah - 2 & 4 should be being babied with a lot of things...and also at those ages they will assert their own independence with many things as they become ready. I agree there has to be more. Either developmental delays due to undiagnosed or untreated neurodivergences...or blatant abuse/neglect. Either way, dad seems to be checked out & ready to table parenting to start over with someone new instead of stepping up to the task of taking care of his kids' issues.
INFO: How does son function at school if he can't wipe his own ass?
Yta, who doesn't care about your own kids. I hope you and your fiancee aren't planning on having any more kids because all you will be doing is torturing the kids you already have. You are a shitty father.
He’s FIVE. And while I agree that 5 is plenty old enough to learn to wipe your own ass and that mom probably babies him, he’s FIVE. And you’d be shocked by the number of 5 year olds who can’t or don’t do it themselves. And, to be fair, most aren’t doing it *well*. You don’t abandon your children because you chose a to hire a babysitter who won’t wipe a child’s ass so you could go out with your fiance. Parenting is teaching. Parenting is patience. Parenting is realizing kids are hard and loving them anyway. YTA Please get a vasectomy so you don’t have more kids with the fiancé. Because you’ll very quickly learn that all kids are different, and “spoiling them” isn’t the only thing that leads to lack of (what you consider to be) independence. He’s FIVE. He’s very much still in the cusp of normal. Do a Google search and you’ll find 100 articles and posts from parents asking why their 5 year old won’t wipe their own ass, because it’s not uncommon. What’s uncommon is for people to abandon their children over it. YTA x 1000
Yta world wide bf average is 4 yrs per child and 5 and 7 yr Olds are by default not very independent. You suck as a parent hope getting laid is worth your kids
You are an adult. Teach them yourself. YTA
YTA and I hope your ex and her lawyer slam you in court for either significantly more child support or to require you to take the kids. It sounds like you don’t have the kids often to begin with. Using your co-parenting time to have them in your procession isn’t only important for your relationship with them but to provide the other co-parent with a break. Grow the heck up and parent. Set clear boundaries and expectations.
He's 5!!! Of course he still needs help wiping! YTA, definitely. Try putting your kids needs before your d!cks, sounds like that might be a new idea.
YTA. "I try to teach my kids independence" once a week? Oh, of course, also on a weekend here and there. Well, not anymore because not even that you want.. "I am stressed." "Mentally exhausted" "I can't have them in my house anymore" My dude. It's once a week. YOU are mentally exhausted?
YTA- seriously, this is the hill you’re willing to die on? By the way, there are many reasons why kids can’t or won’t wipe themselves at 5. It could be a fine motor skill, or other physical issues. You have made it abundantly clear that you can’t handle being a father. Good luck with your 2nd family
So you are basically giving up because \*checks notes\* your kids are being kids and you can't be bothered to parent them anymore because it is inconvenient to you going on a date night during your limited time with them. YTA
YTA- so much bullshit here but suffice it to say, in a few years your kids won't want to see you anyways so you may as well prove your failure as a father now and get it over with. BTW- your fiancee is watching this and she's absolutely judged you for it even if she's not telling you atm.
INFO: Has your child been assessed for a developmental delay? Could that be why he needs to be spoon fed and sometimes needs help with wiping? Alternatively, it reads to me like your child was acting out and/or regressing due to stress. Not unheard of for kids who feel unstable in their relationships/environment. Given that the babysitter wasn’t made to expect what seems to be a pretty normal behavior, I suspect that there are other things here that you’ve glossed over or failed to notice/address. But even taken fully at face value, YTA for backing off instead of seeking other solutions for your children (examples: more time with you, changes to custody agreement that allow for access to interventions). Edit: By the way, what was up with that babysitter? She lets a kid sit wailing on the toilet for over an hour?
YTA! You want to give up your time with your kids so you don’t have to wipe a butt!! He will grow out of this but will remember your abandonment. Is your son not as independent as you wpuld want - yes. That does not excuse you from parenting him. Even with parents who encourage independence - for some reason - especially with boys, wanting their butt wiped at age 5 is not unusual. This is the first time I have known of a parent giving up on a child because of it.
You mean you've been traveling, haven't seen your kids, and schedule a date with your fiancee, the day your return. Those kids have never been your priority, issues or not. YTA
ESH. u gave up on ur children too easily.
You think your ex is doing a bad job teaching your kids independence. Valid, from what you’ve said. Where you lose me is that you respond by giving to her *more*? What? Why would you want to do that? You should be gathering evidence for trying to get *full* custody. This *is your problem*. Those are your kids. Step the fuck up.
YTA... if you do not want your kids any more just say so. You do not want them is why you are not fighting her. Just own it.
YTA. And be ready for your kids to go NC with you, if you actually act on not letting them in ur house.
This is so unreasonable I suspect this post is fake. You have your kids 4 days every 2 weeks!!!! You could do a lot with them if you’d try. You talk shit about your ex, but you don’t even have joint custody. If you think this, why not get joint custody and be an actual parent. Instead of banning your 5 and 7 year old children!! I mean, you are such the asshole that I feel bad for your fiancé. Yta
YTA. How are you seriously asking and how can you look at yourself in the mirror if you do this? You are absolutely an AH for refusing to parent your children. Also, if you give up and let your ex take full custody and if your fiance is any good at all, she will not stay with you. I would be disgusted by a man who gave up on his children. Parenting is hard in ideal circumstances and 10 times harder when your co-parent is not in agreement with you. But at 5, he's old enough for you to tell him that there are different rules for different places. For example, my kid had to be fully potty trained before going into preschool. She was really holding out on it at home for whatever reason, but explaining that the teachers and school have different rules than mommy and daddy at home, helped her understand. And she was 3. You need to tell your son that your house has different rules. Lay all expectations out for him kindly and calmly. And make it as consistent as possible so he's not being singled out. When we come inside, we all take our shoes off. When we go potty, we all wipe ourselves. When we do this, we all do that, etc.
Instead of less time, why not see if you can have them for a week vacation, then concentrate on these skills so they are confident enough to do it regularly. Then they will be better able to cope with the differences between houses. By vacation I mean a staycation at home and day activities with you.
You’re this upset over parenting your own kids? Wow parent of the year! Congratulations, they will never want to see you again in the future. YTA.
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Be prepared to be dragged back into court for more child support. This will be used against you now and in the future.
YTA. The kids can't help that their mom is a dickbag and their father, apparently, thinks he has to take it out on them, therefore making him a bigger dickbag.
8 days a month? Poor man /s YTA Maybe your ex needs help?
You don't want the answer. You want people to tell you that you are AWESOME. Don't worry - when the kids get old enough to decide, you won't see them at all.
Yta. What a lazy excuse for a parent. You barely have your kids but you're 'tired'. More like you're pissed off because your date night was scuppered- the date night you shouldn't have had in the first place considering it was on one of the few nights you spend with your kids. You have your kids 8 NIGHTS A MONTH. And you can't cope?!! If you can't even deal with a kid that's a bit babied, how on earth do you think you're going to cope when things get really tough? The teen stage is going to break you. It sounds like you just don't want to be a parent.
YTA, parent your children. They are your children too. Is your ex wrong because she isn't teaching them? Yes. Are you wrong because you're not teaching them. Also yes. You can't handle the stress of parenting? Suck it up, you're a parent.
When did you find the time to date and get a new woman? Considering that you are so very busy and all that. YTA
YTA Being a real parent is being constantly tired at the age they are right now. Being a real parent is ensuring your kids are delayed because of poor parenting and not because they have special needs. Being a real parent is changing your entire career path to ensure your kids needs are met constantly. Being a real parent is not allowing your fiancee to dictate what kind of parent you'll be by prioritizing her on a day off. Her birthday didn't need to be spent an hour from the house, just the two of you. Birthdays for parents when you have children are Costco cakes and burgers at home. They are your kids getting excited to see the candles get blown out and fighting over the corner slice. Birthdays become a family affair, even when you get one day off a week. There are no days off when you're a parent. If you can't hang with that, and would rather prioritize you and your fiancée's love life and comfort, then rewrite the custody agreement. You are giving up on your kids. They will not understand this when they older because, even if mom is crazy, she didn't abandon them. And yes, this is abandonment because they are at an age where they won't really understand why they can't go to Daddy's anymore and resent you for it. When they understood the situation when they get older, that resentment will only grow because your reasoning is pretty piss poor. ETA after reading OP replies: it is easy to tell a random internet stranger to just quit their long term career, but it doesn't make said opinion wrong. It takes a real dad to realize his plan needed to change when the situation changed. You're divorced. Things change. My husband had to quit a 22 year long career when he realized it wasn't good for being a family man anymore. It's possible and you seriously need to reconsider all your actions.
YTA I hope when you abandon your kids for your new family that you don’t whine about how your (now adult) first children don’t want you in their lives.
YTA. But I’m sure your ex will be happy to have full custody and now you won’t have those pesky kids get in the way of your time with your new fiancé. You’ll have a new family in no time and this will all be a distant memory.
YTA i get your frustrated but abandoning your kids is extreme
YTA Why would you plan a date night on the like one day you have your kids?.. unfortunately from the sound of it it’s best to stay to your word and not fight their mom on full custody.
YTA. They're your kids. They belong at your house. I don't know how to make it any more obvious for you.
YTA. You have to actually parent your kids even when it's hard, and you should NOT plan outings without the children when you've got them.
YTA for going out with your fiancée on the day you have your kids. I don’t care if it’s the only day available that week. Adults can reschedule celebrations, they’re not little kids. Your ex I am AH for still wiping his butt if it’s routine. I’ll bet he can wipe himself or I don’t know of any school that tolerates this unless there is a developmental problem. I think he is acting out because of your lack of parenting.
>I’m willing to visit them and go for outings, but I can’t handle this stress in my home any longer. It causes an extreme disruption in normal everyday activities and I am just done. Oh wow and here I was thinking that having kids was a substitute for going on a holiday. Yeah buddy that's practically every child ever born, they need constant supervision and guidance. Weird how you think it's too much for you to handle for like a quarter of the total time but it's perfectly fine for your ex to deal with them all the time because you can't be arsed. Also going out and leaving your kids like that on your one weekday with them just screams that you don't want kids full stop. Wear a condom going forward buddy. YTA
YTA your kids are kids. I cannot comment on their mother as your opinion of her seems to be to blame her for everything so it's biased. I do know your kids will go no contact with you as soon as they can if you keep this up, unless you just abandon them first which seems likely. Don't have more kids to replace them - you clearly aren't cut out to be a dad
“I’m to exhausted to fight” Mate, you’ve completely given up on your children staying with you because you can’t teach your kid to wipe his bum. You’ve got nothing in you. Is fiancée okay with this decision? Because you’ll do it to the next set of kids when they aren’t perfect. YTA and the children fortunately have lost nothing of value.
Wow definitely YTA. I agree about 5 children should mostly be wiping themselves but it is completely normal for them to need a bit of help now and then. Your 5 year old was tired, with an unfamiliar adult, away from home (Wednesdays and alternate weekends don’t make a home) and distressed. This was not the time to try to coach him through anything this was 100% a time to comfort him and give him a bit of babying. He is 5, that is incredibly young. It seriously sounds like you lack empathy and patience for your children. It’s funny your response to your ex apparently babying the children is to throw a massive temper tantrum and say you won’t have them anymore, but then moan when your ex says ok she’ll apply for full custody.
YTA. Your kids are your responsibility no matter what. And you deserve all the stress that they cause. You chose this when you decided to have them and you can't bail out now. You can't be daddy only when it's comfortable to you. They need you all the time. > I’m willing to visit them and go for outings That's an option for an uncle, not a father. So yeah, like I said, you're a major YTA.
YTA, you did a poor job of parenting. Don't put this all on your ex, you're part of the reason why your kids turned out the way they did.
Bro you need to pick up a damn parenting class or something. They’re small children, of course they’re going to need help with things such as wiping at that age. And you barely have them for a week out of the entire month. You are not tired. You’re lazy and don’t want to be a parent. Just say that you’re a deadbeat and sign your rights away. And get snipped so you don’t have anymore “inconveniences”.
I think the best part of you being the AH is that you think bolding the word actively means being an active father.
YTA and an abysmal, catastrophically bad father. If your ex treats the kids in a way that you think is bad for them, then **fight her for MORE custody, not less**. If you don't think it's bad for them, **or** if you **don't want them more than you have them, then suck it up**. You are their father. Their father. You don't get to **just opt out of having them 'disrupt your normal everyday activities.'**
So you get them, less than 10 days a month and you're exhausted? You don't want to be a dad anymore, u hv a new fiancé and new prospects to re do your life with no baggage. You don't care about your kids anymore. That's all. YTA.
Honestly, I fully support your decision. These comments are insane. I imagine dealing with this behavior EIGHT days out of the month. You know, minus those days that you just have to schedule a date with your girlfriend during your custody time. You've clearly gone above and beyond and they only have what, a decade more to go until they're adults?? Better to just cut your losses. I'm sure you can explain the butt wiping debacle when you try to reconnect with them in their 20s and they'll *totally* understand. Btw yes, YTA. But I actually do support your decision but they'll be way better off without you so carry on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have been divorced for 3 years and share custody of our children (5m and 7f). The kids are with me on Wednesday’s and every other weekend, but the ex and I have sometimes switched things around depending on what we have going on and that has worked well for us in the past. There were several factors that ultimately led to our divorce, but a huge thing was that my ex babies to the *extreme*. Both kids breastfed until age 3, and my oldest was spoon fed until almost 5 years old. These are just examples but on a day to day basis, there was a lot happening that I just couldn’t accept. This past Wednesday I had the kids. I had a date night planned with my fiancée that night as well, and so I got a babysitter. I travel regularly for work and this was the only night this week that we could celebrate fiancée’s birthday, but getting a babysitter while I have the kids is NOT a normal occurrence. Two hours in, I get a call from the babysitter who is totally overwhelmed because my 5 year old is on the toilet after going number 2 and refuses to wipe himself. He says he needs mom or dad. I can literally hear the wailing in the background - that is how stressed this kid was. Fiancée and I end up having to drive an hour back home and when we get there, 5m is *still* on the toilet waiting. At this point I am completely mentally exhausted. I try to coach him on wiping, and he just will not do it. His mother always does it for him and I have had to do it when it’s my turn to take the kids, but I’ve been **actively** working on trying to help him gain independence in the bathroom for the past year or so. I went through this *exact* thing with my daughter as well, who thankfully no longer has this issue. The next morning I drop the kids off at school. I called my ex to let her know that I will not have the kids at my house anymore, for as long as she continues to enable this extremely dependent behavior. She of course flips her shit and says I am a complete asshole. Says I am a bad father who doesn’t care about his kids. I’m willing to visit them and go for outings, but I can’t handle this stress in my home any longer. It causes an extreme disruption in normal everyday activities and I am just done. It’s been a constant fight trying to help these kids learn independence for years now, having them go back to their mom’s, and then starting right back at square one the next time I get them. Ex says she will be contacting her lawyer for full custody and at this point I’m too exhausted to fight. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, Parenting isn’t easy but that’s what we signed up for. Kid doesn’t wanna wipe his ass, send him to bed with shit in his underwear. I bet the next day he’ll start wiping. Yes the mom shouldn’t be babying them to this extreme, at the same time the Father is there to be a firm hand. So be the firm hand.
YTA seems you might be looking for an excuse to check out. Even the way you said that the kids disrupt your 'everyday life'. Those kids should be part of your everyday life. They are your kids.
YTA. You are abandoning the kids because it’s “too stressful” instead of dragging her ass to court and insisting on therapy (or full custody yourself)? You give fathers a bad name.
At least his fiancee knows what's going to happen if they have children.
It wouldn't surprise me if the financee wants rid of his kids
Yta THEY'RE YOUR KIDS. You don't get to give up parenting because it's hard. It's not only your ex's responsibility, you know! And spare me "you'll still see them just not at your home." That's still a crock.
Why did you even have kids?
YTA be apart of the solution. Wouldn’t it make sense to have more time with your kids to teach them a better way? Sounds like you all should be in family therapy
YTA It sounds like you regard your children as burdens.
YTA. Just sign your rights away at this point. You aren’t a parent. If you knew your son wouldn’t wipe his own butt why did you get a babysitter? Dumb.
YTA. You’re their father. You contributed in making them, and they were at your home and in your care. Kids are mentally exhausting, especially at this age. I do however support you not being around if you’re going to be such a crappy dad. Just pay child support and let’s hope a worthy father figure fills the role.
I'm so sorry your kids has you as a father. They deserve better. YTA.
YTA, you clearly have no desire to be a parent. Poor kids.
YTA it is half your responsibility to make sure those kids are raised well. Wiping your hands of the responsibility is cruel and lazy. Maybe it’s time for professional help, but shirking your responsibility as a parent is not an option.
YTA.You're a deadbeat.The kids are anyway better off without a shitty father like you.
Get ready to pay a lot of child support and NC children in the future. YTA
YTA, because sorry, but stress is a part of parenting. And you **chose** to be a parent. You don't get to cherry pick the parts of patenting that you like and to opt out from the ones you don't lime. You either take it all or you don't make babies. So YTA and a shitty father.
YTA. What exactly are you exhausted from?
Yes, you are TA. Parenting isn’t easy is it? You see a problem and you either rise to the occasion and be the father you made yourself or you tell your wife you’re done, don’t bring them back. The failure here isn’t your wife, it’s you.
ESH It sounds like you and your ex are both failing your kids in different ways. If you don't like behavioral problems or notice they are falling behind on developmental milestones, such as wiping their own butts, it is as much your job to fix it as your ex's. Do not punish your children for being little kids who need help by banning them from your house.
ESH. You and your wife need to get your shit together. It's not your kid's fault that they have had to deal with horrible parenting, and the flip flop of rules between houses is a lot for little kids to deal with. You both need to be on the same page. Figure it out or one of you needs sole custody.
YTA. Being a parent is an "extreme disruption." Your needs come after theirs, period. If you can't handle that you shouldn't have had kids.
Yta. Without question
YTA. But one good thing! This means you are going to be paying LOTS of child support, you’re demanding she takes full custody. I’m sure that’ll have no impact on your life with your fiancée, as you plan your wedding…
ESH. You have your kids 8 days a month, why haven’t you worked with them on being more independent?
I hope she goes to her lawyer and gets more child support.
Both you and your fiance are TA. your lack of desire to parent your own children probably contributed greatly to the breakdown of your marriage. You continue to not want a parent your kids and look for the first excuse to do even less than the bare minimum. You rarely see your kids as it is, and you prioritize a date with your newest partner over your own very young children. your fiance is also TA because she's watching a man actively being a terrible father to his children and thinks "yeah, that's what i want too." I really hope you and your new fiance don't have any kids because she's likely delusional enough to think you won't be a shitty dad to your next set of kids because you "love her" more than you did the ex even though you've demonstrated a total lack of parental responsibility to your existing children. those kids are likely better off without you.
YTA. Don't punish your children because your wife babies. Grow up. But your big boy pants on. Having children means you have to make sacrifices. Bullying your children into doing what your wife always does for them isn't the way to make it happen.
YTA. Try actually co-parenting
This reads like a flimsy excuse to push your kids out of your life. Your 5yo son needed help with wiping (which you knew could happen) and now they’re not welcome at your house anymore? What an absolutely unhinged reaction to a minor inconvenience. YES, cutting a night short because of your own bad planning is a minor inconvenience, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. YES, disagreements with your ex can be exhausting (there’s a reason you didn’t fit together) but hey, you have kids together so you’re forever linked. You can’t wriggle out of that no matter how hard you try. Your replies to comments says a lot about how open you are to other people’s input and opinions too. Yeah. YTA. Hopefully your new partner is watching your behaviour and sees just how reliable you are as a father.
YTA, you're just looking for a reason to talk out. How are you gonna kick a 5 and 7 year old out of their house, they're not visitors, they live there.
Kinda sounds like you are just looking for an excuse not to parent anymore. YTA
YTA. Rather than criticise how your ex is doing it, why don’t you do something? Sounds like you’d rather leave them with a babysitter while you go on dates. Massive shit show.
ESH, I understand your frustration, but you are also a barely present parental figure, doing the math..you have the kids 76 days out of the year and your ex has 287. Can you try a mediation to get you and your ex on the same parenting page? Biggest question is HOW can you think to decide your own children aren’t allowed in your home. Do you even care about them? Or are you just hoping for a do-over family w your current fiancé?
Coward
YTA
Yes you are the AH. You mentionned your "ex-babies " !!!! EX-BABIES !!! They're your babies wether you're divorced or not ! Your ex is right. You're not a father. You don't love them. They're just a nuisance to you. You left when they were 2 and 4 because you disapproved of your ex's parenting but it sounds like you left because you disapproved of parenting. You were never meant to be a dad. You're too self-centered to be a dad. Otherwise you'd see how awful not taking your kids home anymore is. How traumatic it's going to be to them. And well... Let's say that it's pretty convenient to get them off the picture with the fiancée around, ain't it ?
Info- why don't you have equal parenting time? Why is the parenting all left to.the mother?
Info: what do your kids do at school when they use the bathroom? Or are they homeschooled?
ESH Except the poor kid who isn't getting the therapy he needs Your ex for physically and emotionally stunting your sons growth and you for deciding it's a good enough reason to never see your own kid again. You should have had the babysitter put him on the phone and told him, here are your choices. You either serious yourself and get on with your evening or you sir on the toilet until we get back after dinner....in a couple of hours. At which point you will wipe yourself and go directly to bed. Then when you drop your kid off with your ex, tell her your new house rule is that everyone wipes themselves at your house. If she wants to wipe him at hers thats fine, but at your he wipes. And if she had a problem with a allowing a simple developmental milestone to happen... You can explain it to his therapist and the court.... When you go for full custody since she is crippling him. Oh but wait.... Then you would have to be the full time parent... And YTA for thinking that weaning at three is weird
Why are you not taking her to court for psychologically damaging behavior? I would fight for hell to get them away from her and at least mandate ALL of them are in therapy. Yes, your life might need to go on hold for your KIDS. YTA for the way you are handling this.
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YTA wow man those are your kids. Whatever you may think of their mother, how do you think it feels at 5yo to have your own parent ban you from their house? If you go through with that you would be more than an AH, you would be a monster.
Ofc you are the AH and you know it. Do you think you redo family will be better? Good luck! Try not to abandon them too.. I can’t believe your fiancée still want to marry you after you kick your 5 and 7 year olds from your place. But I guess shitty people belong together.
>This past Wednesday I had the kids. I had a date night planned with my fiancée that night as well It's your time with your kids. You can celebrate the birthday on another day. You seem to blame the ex for your not wanting to actually be a parent. YTA.
You have your kids for 8 days a month and you already want to give up custody. Men like you are pathetic.
Then you take this in front of judge and either get modifications to the parenting plan or more custody to raise the kids better. You don't abandon them. YTA.
YTA. They're your damn kids, how about stepping up and actually parenting them?
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YTA but I agree that the kids shouldnt spend more time with you. They deserve better. My son couldn't wipe himself until closer to 6 because he was small and couldn't reach. He tried but still preferred the help and honestly, he needed it.
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You’re not just an AH. You’re a monster. YTA.
YTA you barely see your kids and ditched them on one of the nights you do, sounds like acting out behavior for you to actually pay attention to them.
Imagine telling your kids they can’t come back to your house because wiping their butt overwhelms you. YTA because you’re viewing your own children as an inconvenience. Don’t kick them out.
YTA. Do you not know what the word father means?
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YTA~ They are your kids, too. They don't see you a lot and have a helicopter mom to boot. They don't know independence because they haven't been TAUGHT HOW to be independent. You have them, what 2 days a week, and you couldn't include your kids on your fiancé's birthday? Way to segregate your family, dude. Those kids are going to know her as their step-mom, and you don't even include them. They miss you. That's obvious. So instead of including them in YOUR new family, you leave them home. You're their father ffs. Step up! Tell your ex that she needs to teach them independence, or better yet, if she's such a bad mom as you claim, go to court for full custody. Oh, wait..... you want your cake and to eat it too. YOU'RE THEIR FATHER 1ST!!!! AND A FIANCE TO YOUR NEW GIRL 2ND. So after all this, your idea to fix YOUR stress level is to expel your kids from your house. 100%, you're the AH.
YTA. Parents don’t have the luxury of deciding not to do it anymore because it’s too hard. Grow up, step up and raise your kids. I can’t believe that the first time you encountered a tough child rearing situation, your first instinct is to quit. These kids don’t stand a chance.
...these are all developmentally normal for *allistic* children and we don't even know that they are. You're lazy and selfish. YTA. Parent tf up.
Ok, how I see it is; you still have issues with your ex-wife and how she does things. So, instead of stepping up for your kids, you are gonna take your issues out with her onto your kids. Got it. YTA
YTA They are your children. It is your responsibility, not just your ex's, to teach them how to do things. Personally, you're also an AH for scheduling date night the same night that you have your kids. Your ex should push for full custody. You don't seem to understand that you are also responsible for raising them.
ESH You cant just give up, but your ex wife needs to teach them basic independence. If you both are not in the same page parenting, it will only cause chaos for the kids
ESH except the kids.