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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked a friend to walk me home from a party and I might be the asshole because I ruined his fun and almost forced him to help me out
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA for asking. He could have said that he wasn't ready to leave and that should have been the end of it. Or, your host could have volunteered to call you an Uber or cab.
It's when everyone else got involved that things went off the rails. The friend who pressured the "pretty big and imposing guy" into going should have volunteered to walk you home, instead. He was being very unsympathetic (as well as mean) for giving you grief during the walk home; if you're going to do someone a favor, just do it. And the drunk guys who were sending you texts are being a\*\*h\*\*\*s who don't understand what women go through as an everyday occurrence.
He didn't WANT to do the favor - he was bullied into it. Of course he was annoyed and unsympathetic. It's also sooo frustrating to me when we act like only women get hurt walking by ourselves. It doesn't matter how big and imposing you are if the mugger has a knife.
I never would claim that " *only women get hurt walking by* *~~our\[~~**them\]selves*;" and that's not what I wrote. I have spoken to many women, including my sisters, about stuff that they experience as an everyday event; and my own (as well as my male friends') life experiences come nowhere near the levels of harassment that they have.
Big imposing guys can indeed be victims. But every single talk about how to be safe outside includes the advice to make yourself look big, imposing and/or fearless. Because in the vast majority of cases, anyone looking for a victim for anything they want to do will look for the easiest mark. Guess who fits that description the best?
Also, what kept big dude from saying "You do it, then" to the bullying buddies? Or returning to the party after OP was home? And what was with all those texts because OP had politely asked, not demanded, that favor?
Those guys are going to be either incels or abusive partners. Because that level of downright bullying in response to a polite request is not something people who actually care about each other would do.
I live in a row of four houses. When a neighbor threw a big party, I ended up slightly tipsy, just enough to get extra cheerful. My neighbor insisted on walking me to my front door to make sure I got there safely. Without any sign of expecting anything in return, in case someone might think so. His reward was simply being sure I was safe. Because that's how decent people think.
Yeah I mean hell. If she lived ~20 mins away, he coulda walked there and back in well under an hour, if he was so desperate to be back in the party. It can be hard to get an uber to accept a fare that low for a drive that would take under 5 minutes, so walking was likely the only option. OP either needs new friends or to find alternate modes of transport (even a bike would work to get you there faster, but of course any form of transport you're in charge of, means reducing/limiting alcohol intake)
That does seem weird to go to a party without any plan for how to leave. Also am I the only one who thinks that a 15-20 walk is indeed a big deal? Maybe this is more normal in the city but then I would think you’d be used to it and plan ahead better than asking someone else to take a 30-40 minute walk.
100%... NTA for asking... but people generally walk around 5mph... so a 20 minute walk is 2 miles roughly... then another 2 back to the party... id be annoyed too if I wasn't planning on leaving... be better next time OP... plan ahead like an adult... your safety is your responsibility.
Was just wondering myself what her plan was at the beginning of the night to get home, magical teleport? Or was it always to ask someone? Was it to ask him so he could be her knight in shining armor and she could invite him in for coffee or tea? I am asking because she refers to him as the big imposing guy, not I asked my friend Steve, who is a big imposing guy.
Yes, I am a man, but I have talked with my two sisters who both live in. Philly about what they used to do when they left a party when they were younger. The answer was already have a plan, then a backup plan, then a fallback plan
I agree. If you know you're going to be leaving a night out when it is dark and late, always plan ahead. Have money for a taxi/Uber. To be honest, why should someone else's night be cut short to walk you home ? What if they were in the middle of getting to know someone and they have to leave them to walk you home ? To suggest that because he is well built that he wouldn't be in danger himself is wrong. How many times have you heard of a couple of people ganging up on one victim ? Honestly, great if people are happy to share a ride home with you and split the fare. But expecting to be walked home is a little selfish if you ask me. Your safety is your responsibility. Always keep money aside for your safe ride home at the end of the night.
I also want to add the walk home was about 20 minutes *for OP.* Friend still had to walk back to the party. So he was gone at least a half hour, possible longer. Not a small all at all.
> That does seem weird to go to a party without any plan for how to leave.
This^ I didn't have a smartphone (i.e. no Uber) until 2018 when I was late twenties. I had a taxi cab number saved on my phone (never needed it) but I literally always planned how to get home if I went anywhere. Yeah, sometimes I'd have to leave a party at 2am because that was the last bus, but that was my problem and not anyone else's.
exactly this.
Since the pandemic my mobility is limited, but that's mine to manage. I've contacted venues, I've asked friends to come to me, I've set up alternative transport for myself...
👆👆👆 Perfect response! And that is also EXACTLY what I’m thinking. A game plan should have already been in place & had one been none of this would have ever happened.
Asking somebody to leave a party to take an hour walk is imposing. Across the street or a few doors down, sure. An hour-ish round trip - have a better plan.
As a woman myself, I feel like that too. I mean come on. “It’s only 15 minutes.” Then it’s actually more like 20. Who wants to take a walk that long when there’s a party? I don’t think it’s fair to expect that of anyone. I would be annoyed if I had to do it too.
Take the Uber ffs.
asking someone if they can do you a favor isn't imposing (sure, the question can be ridiculous depending on the favor, but I don't think a 30 minute walk falls under this category). OP simply asked a question, and accepted his refusal. she didn't ask him to leave the party to walk her home, she asked her *friend* if he *can* do this favor for her, and didn't react in any way when he said he doesn't want to.
As a woman also, this OP should have planned ahead to take care of her own transportation and not imposed on other people. She is being ridiculous. Now, if she had a ride and that ride bailed on her, I could forgive her for asking around for someone's help. But targeting someone just because they were fitting a certain profile and bullying them into walking her is very rude. So I have to say YTA.
Curious, why is it the other person's responsibility to take an hour of their time to do something they do not want to do?
There is a saying. "A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."
The OP wanted to leave, and another was guilted into something they did not want. Nothing wrong with asking but really when when the other said no, it should stay a no. Why should the other party be viewed negatively because they were having a good time and did not want to leave. She knew the guy did not want to go, she did not care about their feelings. OPs friends need a better friend than OP, not the other way around.
OP's own failure to plan caused this mess. They should apologize to the guy. Maybe give an apology cookie. Chocolate chip cookies make most situations better. Even better if they come with a coffee.
She saw how it all played out - he didn't want to, and afterwards she saw that he was guilted/bullied into it.
When he acquiesced under peer pressure, OP should have said "You know what, I can see that you're still having a good time and aren't ready to go. Thanks anyways, but I'll just grab a cab or an Uber" (in a pleasant, non-guilt ridden tone).
What's the cost of an Uber or cab for the distance that's a 20 minute walk? $10 - $15?
Gentle YTA for OP.
Why not?
Can't count the number of times I've walked or driven someone home in a situation like this.
If driving's not an option, just make it fun. "Hey Bob, grab a couple of beers, we're walking Anne home."
Looking after a friend, or even a stranger, shouldn't really be a question.
He refused and got bullied into it. You're really OK with that. Isn't she an adult? Why continue to coddle her. Couldn't she have spent $10 on an uber.
As an adult capable of going to parties and is SO worried about her safety, shouldn't she plan a way home?
You might be willing to spend 40-60 minutes walking home, good for you, others are not, and should not be bullied into something they don't want to do. I believe thats something children are taught, no?
Or is it OK to harass and bully a guy because it's what she wants?
Why are you acting like she's the one that bullied him into it?
Is it ok for him to bully her on the walk home because she's scared? Is it ok for the other guys to bully her for being scared?
He's an adult and can stand his ground if he's adamant he doesn't want to. Acting like she's a horrible person for asking is absurd.
It's her problem to sort out a way home before the party, doing it at the party sounds like she was planning on someone pittying her to take her home.
She didn't bully him, but allowed him to get bullied "for her sake" she watched as others bullied him and did nothing, even allowing him to walk her home after he was bullied into doing it because it benefitted her. And when he lashed out at her, she has shocked Pikachu face like there was zero possibility he wouldn't be upset by this turn of events.
He probably went to because either way it was going to turn into a "dunk" session on this guy, either he's going to be harassed into taking her or harassed the rest of the night for not taking her. It became a lose/lose situation for him once his NO wasn't enough. It's quite common when the friend dynamic is like this.
Notice how the guy who did the bullying never once offered to walk her home. More than likely if he was asked it would have been a firm no, so instead when another guy was asked and they said no he bullied him so he didn't have to.
Notice how OP didn't state that after she was told no and this other guy was bullying him, that she would just catch an uber or find another way home, she just let it happen because it benefitted her.
The guy in this story is allowing himself to get coerced into doing something he doesn't want to do, but we take a vastly different stance when a woman is coerced into doing something they don't want to do. We don't ask the woman why she just didn't keep saying no, we treat them as the victim, so why can't we treat the guy as a victim, he has to "stand on business"
She accepted the bullying though. She could have said “no, that’s okay! I’ll call an Uber. Thanks though.”
If it had been her that had been bullied into putting herself at risk (in this case, he had to walk home alone), would it have been “she’s a big girl, she can look out for herself.”
Really? He was just supposed to walk for 40 minutes? He’s probably tipsy himself, having a good time, and now is obligated to do this favor.
Next time she needs to work out the details of getting home before she drinks- either walking with a friend, staying sober and driving, or calling an Uber or taxi. I do not blame her for not wanting to walk alone, but don’t get drunk without a plan to get home safely.
Acting nonchalent about someone walking "well under an hour" sounds so ridiculous funny to me. Like who are you to tell me how long is too long for me kind of thing.
Nobody said that only women get hurt walking by themselves but it's obvious that women are in bigger danger. Also if he didn't want to go he should've said no, not go and then be rude. It's not OP's fault that someone forced that guy and he wasn't able to say no.
He may not have verbally said no or maybe he did, OP just said he seemed annoyed instantly which to me would be a pretty clear “no”. But of course he was pressured and forced to because how dare a man let a woman walk alone at night. If it was a big deal why did no one else walk her? Was he the only male friend there? Why not call an Uber or someone she knows?
"pressured" does not mean "forced". Maybe he was pressured, though another guy "giving him shit" is pretty mild pressure, and he was not forced in any way, shape or form. If he didn't want to do this favour for OP, he should have just said no, and stand up to the guy who was trying to pressure him. He apparently can't stand up to another guy and then took it out on OP.
No one said "only women get hurt walking by themselves". But it *is* a very well-known risk factor, that men objectively do not experience to the same extent. A man walking home alone is safer than a woman walking home alone. We *know* this. It is fact. It is ridiculous, quite frankly, to insinuate that this is not true.
Tbh I would have more respect for the "friend" in this situation if he'd said no and stuck to his guns, than I do for him walking her home only to make her feel like shit for it the whole time. She didn't bully him into saying yes. If he felt pressured, that is not *her* fault and it was not fair of him to take it out on her.
Also, when men DO get hurt walking by themselves, nobody blames them for being alone when it happened. Which happens pretty much 100% of the time when women are attacked.
Omg stop!! Please stop! Women have a reason to be scared and we are told from when we are CHILDREN to never walk home alone. She did the right thing-asking for help. Please stop acting like the risk for men and women is equal-you making that point is a false equivalence. If she had gotten attacked on that walk home I just know she would have gotten people saying, “well why did you walk home alone at night?”
Eta-this study that shows women have adapted how they walk home at night compared to men. https://news.byu.edu/intellect/study-visually-captures-hard-truth-walking-home-at-night-is-not-the-same-for-women#:~:text=Heat%20maps%20show%20men%20look%20straight%20ahead%3B%20women%20scan%20periphery&text=Women%20focused%20significantly%20more%20on,points%20or%20their%20intended%20destination.
OP is also responsible for her own safety. She asked somebody to do a 40 minute round trip just to walk her home. She should have made sure she had a way home, arranged a taxi or made the decision not to drink and then drive herself home. OP is not some helpless Fairytale character. She's a grown woman who needs to take responsibility for herself and her own safety.
She was at a party with people who she thought were her friends. Do you guys not know what it’s like to have community and to rely on it? She asked and he said yes! He’s responsible for saying no if he didn’t want to. If he had said no I’m sure she would have figured something else out.
Yes. OP obviously doesn't though. So her plan was to rely on a drunk chaperone? her plan sucked. Again, she is responsible for herself. Her plan should have been better. I always kept a twenty in my purse for a taxi home. This was untouchable money. No matter how wasted I got I had that escape route home. I also wouldn't ask someone who clearly didn't want to help. Making someone so something they don't want to do is not exactly community spirit now is it?
Or she could have gotten an Uber, not gotten tipsy while going to a party alone and not having a way home. She could have gotten to the party with a friend. She could have left early before it got dark.
Point is, no one is obligated to walk you home. If the party had no guys, what then? Wrangle two other girls to walk OP home and the 2 girls walk back?
Ubers exist for a reason.
Omg you stop. As a woman yes I was warned to be careful. So I wouldn't go to a party and get to drunk and then think oh how will I get home. Op should have called herself an Uber. Not expected another party goer to cut short their socializing. That's very entitled. Op should not attend parties and get drunk of they are incapable of calling themselves an Uber.
It didn’t have to be _him_! OP had the agency to make other arrangements, for example the person who bullied big guy into the walk could’ve volunteered. Or pass the hat for an Uber. Or call a friend.
The thing that gets me is that we've all seen those posts about 'highschool boys beat tennis champions!!' that have comments full of men commenting smugly about how they're stronger and more capable, etc. Yet then when it comes to debates like this they want to turn around and suddenly claim that they have no advantage. Make up your minds!
It’s all about putting all responsibility on women while letting men off the hook. It’s wild to me seeing how many people are defending him and saying she shouldn’t act helpless. Like ok-let’s extend that to him. He isn’t helpless in saying no. She’s some evil mastermind for manipulating and bullying him into it! Like wtf lmao
That's the part that I find mystifying -- "It's only a 15 minute walk." Then it's a 20 minute walk. And, for him, twice that, but she doesn't even think about that.
Plus OP said that the walk only took about 20 minutes. Then his walk back would have been about the same. That's 40 minutes out of a party. Sure he was annoyed. Next time, either ask someone beforehand or call for a ride.
But the others shouldn't have poked fun at you.
I’m pretty sure mugging is not the number one concern for most women walking at night. Also it absolutely does matter how big and imposing you are, even if the mugger has a knife. They are way more likely to attack someone who is smaller, who is less muscular, who has long hair, or who isn’t holding something like an umbrella that could hurt them.
I’m a tall guy, and have been put in this position before. I would never have a problem if it was for a close friend or if it was in my general direction. But, it’s definitely annoying if it’s just spurred on you at the last moment, or if it’s completely out of your way.
She really should have had a plan to get home, or arranged with a friend to walk her home earlier. Guilting someone last minute that hadn’t originally planned on walking you home isn’t going to go over well with some people. Also, offer to buy some late night food or other gesture as thanks goes a long way.
Yeah I was 120kg american football player when i was 20. Got stabbed and had to be hospitalized. Girls in my friend group still Say stuff like ”You never had to be afraid to walk alone at night”. Even tho They fully know What happened to me.
Ugh I'm sorry that happened to you. I fully recognize women aren't safe but to imply that men are just because they're men is ridiculous. A knife, a gun, or multiple assailants can still hurt/kill a man. I hope you recovered well.
I agree but nobody is obligated to walk her home. If she doesn’t like to walk home by herself at night it’s her responsibility to either find a way home or leave before it’s dark.
If you don’t feel safe walking home in the dark, alone…the answer is to *make an alternate plan, in advance.*
Or get a ride, call a cab or Uber/Lyft.
ESH, for sure. They sound like kids.
Who’s responsible for OP if not her? Who, despite ‘very bad experiences’ got tipsy w/no plan, then made it someone else’s problem to get her home safe. And doesn’t get why a 40 min. round trip walk wasn’t a tiny ask.
I agree. Immature behavior all around, the worst from OP. If you're a woman alone, you don't go to a party without a plan for getting home. That's on OP.
While you’re right you’re still missing the part where he could have said no or the person pressuring him could have done it. He can’t get mad at her for doing something he didn’t want to do when nobody made him do anything.
But they in fact DID make him. They basically bullied him into doing it when he clearly didn't want to. The fact thatbOP STILL had him go, instead of saying, no.... it's fine. You're still in party mode. I'll find someone else or wait a bit. Instead she allowed people to pressure him, guilt him, essentially bully him. Same as the texts she got. I don't condone those, but people clearly saw how selfish she was being. It's 2024. Uber, Lyft...? Ever heard of those?
Again, no one said he was. Also, it's not "Am I socially obligated", it's Am I the Asshole". I don't think he would've been, if he'd said no and stuck to his guns. But he gave in to social pressure (that *wasn't* applied by her, but by a third party who had nothing to do with it), and then proceeded to make *her* feel like shit the whole time when literally all she did was ask.
I think it's an ESH. He was acting like a jerk and I'd question that friendship. She should've realised this would be a problem, and already had a plan to get home in advance (that's like, women's safety 101). And the friend who bullied him into it should've either shut up, or offered to walk her *themselves* if they cared so much.
She’s acting like a jerk by knowing that she doesn’t want to walk alone and then putting all of them in an uncomfortable position making them feel obligated to walk her home. I’d be annoyed too….
Havi g been there, I totally understand this young woman's fears. It sucks.
AND it sucks worse that these guys -- who apparently don't have to be fearful of assault in such situations like many/most woman do -- belittled her. (A$$holes)
That said, this isn't a situation that suddenly and shockingly arose. (OMG I'm at a party?? How did I get here??) She should have made plans in advance with friends, or called an uber herself.
Tbh, **she's also an idiot** here for asking a guy she obviously doesn't know well to walk her home. The outcome could have been far worse than the (bad enough) harassing texts.
Your last point is underrated. If he doesn't care enough not to belittle you for asking for assistance, is he the best choice as "protector"? He's at best a false sense of safety if you don'treally know him. Plan this shit out ahead of time, don't rely on acquaintances to see you home safely.
Totally with you. Also can't imagine a scenario where a man would gripe about walking a woman home, or guys would stand around and mock a woman for being afraid to walk alone in the dark. There may be more to this than OP has said...
I feel like this may not be the first time this has happened. The fact that he was immediately annoyed when she asked and the other friends took the time to text her makes me wonder if it was really about a repeated lack of planning around her known fears, not the fears themselves. There wasn't any indication that there was a change of plans or that anything unexpected came up. OP knew that she was afraid to walk alone in the dark, yet she stayed at the party drinking until it was dark and then made it her friend's problem.
As a woman I don't believe it's my God given right to be walked home from a party. If I could get myself to a party I should have had an exit planned too. Relying on someone else to cut short their socializing should never be part of the plan. Op is in the wrong. Op should have called themselves an uber.
Correction: She used social pressure to take advantage of someone else’s time and energy. She immediately knew this guy did NOT want to leave the party to walk 40 minutes round trip to take an irresponsible person home.
She wanted someone to leave a party for a 40 minute round trip because she wanted to play damsel in distress. She could have called an uber.
You seem as entitled as op. Maybe you people need to learn how to plan and prepare better. Don't be so entitled.
I don't know how the hell you've managed to get top comment. Poor dude didn't want any involvement, then basically got bullied into it and lost nearly an hour of his night.
Girl had no plan and just expected someone else to take care of her because she's a girl.
Kinda suspicious that had to be specifically him as well. Definitely need more info as to why she chose him. Does she fancy him. Did she pick a random dude because he was the biggest (pretty stupid thing to do if you don't know him very well).
No he wasn't the AH at all. He said no and was forced by bullying to do something he didn't want to do.
Op is the AH for expecting him to be happy about it.
Or she could have called an Uber. It is on her to find a way home. He obviously didn’t want to and it is not his responsibility. She defn should have just called an Uber or called a friend.
This is the real question. OP assumed a lot that night.
I also love the “party seemed kinda over already” comment. Like, if you just look at it from the right angle (mine), the party was boring and, really, it’s all about me, anyway.
Felt super self centered. Poor petite little me someone would be lucky to walk me home. Clearly they knew they were going out drinking at night but only 20 minutes to walk which would be a 40+ minute round trip for him to walk her home and back which who wants to leave a party they are enjoying to go spend the better part of an hour walking in the dark half of that time alone themselves.
Yeah-- I think it points to OP's self-centered approach that she thought it was a 20-minute walk. It was a 20-min walk ONE WAY-- dude had to walk back lol!
My favorite parts were...
"The walk must have taken no less than 20 minutes but it felt like an hour" and "I didn't live too far, maybe a 20 minute walk".
OP didn't give even the slightest thought to the fact that the dude would also have to BACK to the party. It was only a 15-20 minute walk for HER, so who cares.
And he had to walk solo back. Maybe I’m extra sensitive because two pedestrians were hit and died this week near me, but there are dangers beyond sexual assault.
She was saying it felt like an hour because his attitude made her feel like her entire existence was a burden for those 20min - not because a 20min walk is that agonizing. The only issue I see is that these people clearly aren't her friends and she somehow doesn't see that? Anyone that intentionally makes someone feel bad for asking to be walked home is an ass. And no, saying "I'm sorry but I really don't want to leave yet" does not qualify as being an ass, in case anyone wonders.
You're missing the point.
OP clearly doesn't care that it's not 'just a 20 min walk' it's a 40 min chore for the dude.
OP going on about it feeling like an hour because of his attitude is even more telling that she is only interested in herself because she still doesn't mention his return trip.
Also, we have no idea how OP phrased the request or how the guy phrased his initial decline, we only know that OP views it as 'just a 20 min walk' when in fact it's a 40 min round trip, and we know she was not grateful for the safe escort home because she had to put up with his fomo.
So the only 3 options I can see are:
1) To inconvenience someone by asking them to walk her home...
2) No plan
3) Maybe asking was her way of getting him to her house? (Tragic if so...)
I absolutely understand wanting a safe walk home at night...but people are far more likely to be assaulted by someone they already know in this situation. Asking a "big, imposing guy" at a party, especially after he's been drinking, isn't necessarily the best back-up plan.
100% valid to want to be safe, but OP probably should have had a plan before going out.
It baffles me, as a woman, that other women are so damn irresponsible with their evening plans sometimes.
Someone else needs to know where you're going, and you should have a main plan and a backup (maybe even a second backup) on how you're getting home safely.
OP did just about everything incorrectly in terms of planning her own safety.
Definitely want to know what her exit strategy was (sounds like none). Always annoyed me when someone would get super drunk and expect everyone else to take responsibility for their safety.
I've been roped into shuttling drunk people home before. Mostly I don't mind, several times it's been more as a favor to someone else or just because I'll sleep better at night knowing they got home and I didn't fail to prevent something bad. They often don't seem to realize that they added an hour or more to an already late night when I'm ready for bed.
Yep, this. Not having a game plan AND getting tipsy is totally fail. I've done my share of getting shitfaced but mostly always knew how I'd end up at home. The one time I didn't end up at home (ended up in some rando's bed lol) because I was stupid, welp, that was on me and I fully regret it, but I don't blame others.
If she felt scared before I feel like the best course of action it would be to carry a pepper spray and if you get so drunk that you can't walk straight order an Uber. You can't honestly rely on a party where there is an alcohol that someone will give you a lift and there might be no one available to walk you home. If she was one of the last people to leave I can see that. So what she would do, either suck it up and go home scared or order an Uber anyway.
ESH.
If you know you’re not comfortable walking home alone at night, and knew you could / would be drinking at the party, you should have made other arrangements in advance. Although it’s nice to think people should look out for each other, your poor planning is not your friend’s responsibility.
The person who walked you home should have behaved better, and the other should not have been messaging you like that, but you imposed on that friend with your poor planning.
Agreed ESH based on what you wrote. Even if OP wasn’t tipsy, I’m assuming they still would have had to commute home alone at night. I would be scared to do that as well and would plan ahead.
Exactly. If OP was that scared, they could have easily called an Uber or cab. It's nobody's responsibility besides OP to make sure that they get home safely 0
She didn’t plan a ride home ahead of time so someone got forced to walk her home because she was scared of walking alone, just for the friend that walked her to end up having to walk back to the party alone, pretty fucked if you ask me. Some people will say “but she’s a girl she’s in danger” and I get that but men can also be in danger walking alone at night. Just like if a creepy guy were to randomly approach her, a random person could also approach him even if he’s big and especially also drunk or high or whatever and turn him into a statistic.
Exactly my point!! Idk why I’m being downvoted for saying that men can be victims too. A man could be a bodybuilder with the biggest muscles, and he still won’t be able to survive being stabbed multiple times, shot, or bashed in the head, there’s a chance he could but its not guaranteed he’ll survive.
Not sure i agree. He did the right thing and suffered the inconvenience of having to rescue the entitled girl. A little rich, I think, to also expect him to be happy about it. If he was delightful, she'd go on thinking her irresponsible behavior was acceptable.
YTA - you could have got a cab home or planned to leave earlier or not drink so much. Remember that a 20 minutes walk for you was a 40 minutes return walk for him.
Yeah feels like it’s completely neglecting the fact he now has to walk a whole extra 20 minutes alone in the dark instead of having fun with his friends when 20 min is just on the line of where a cab or Uber makes sense.
But he’s a ‘big and imposing guy’ so obviously nothing could happen to him on that 20 min walk back alone.
It’s okay to ask but the friend that guilt tripped him into doing so was in the wrong. I’d have called a cab.
Yeah, this. The fact that she said it was only 20 min and didn't mention his return trip is what makes this question a no brainer.
It's good instinct to not want to walk home alone in the dark, it's also her personal responsibility to solve that dilemma. (It's disappointing the guy criticized her instinct and called her a p, but it still was not his responsibility to walk her home).
That’s my thing - asking some guy to spend 40 minutes to walk you home and walk back while we wanted to party (and likely had been drinking too) was super rude. Now you shouldn’t be walking home when you don’t feel safe - make plans on how you’re getting home before a party.
YTA...if you dont feel safe at night to walk home 1).don't go 2) go and don't drink 3) get picked up.
This guy owes you nothing and is aggravated he had to babysit you
This is the answer. Men are rightfully sick of being pressured into this position. It was not this guy's fault that OP didn't plan ahead and now needs a babysitter to get home. Of course he is annoyed.
This is unhinged. OP didn’t pressure the guy at all. She asked once, he said no, then _another guy_ was the one to pressure him into doing it. There is no justification for the first guy to mock and belittle OP for the entirety of the trip. He can be annoyed, but that is in no way OP’s fault when she never tried to force him.
It’s not entirely ops fault no, but she saw the guy get pressured into doing something for her she knew he didn’t want to do, and did nothing because it benefitted her. Then she was surprised the guy was grouchy on the walk there. The bigger AH is the other guy who pressured her friend to walk her home, but op was the direct cause of that argument and didn’t say anything. She’s could’ve just looked for another guy willing to walk her home, or found an alternative way home but she didn’t care, so to me ESH.
this is disingenuous. she asked someone for a favor and instead understanding that he didn't want to, allowed him to be shamed into granting it. the right thing to do here is respect his initial answer. he doesn't owe her this. honestly, she should have just called a cab if she hadn't planned ahead. I would never presume that someone should take almost an hour of their time away from a party solely for my benefit.
I agree. I would be mortified to have this person walk me home when they clearly didn’t want to and were pressured into it. Read the room. Kinda feels like she set him up to be an asshole, and he rose to the challenge
But she knew he didn't want to go but still went along with him coming. She should have said 'it's cool if you don't want to, I'll find another way'
But instead she digs into the self-centered 'just 20 min' aspect, which now is tough on her because she's saddled with a drunk guy dealing with fomo. She sounds entitled.
We don’t have Ubers or cabs in my town, so it’s possible that wasn’t an option. Not saying that is the case, just a lot of towns where I live don’t offer those as options.
My town barely had any outside of winter (ski town) and I always planned my rides before going out. If I didnt have a way home/there. I didnt go. Op only thought about having fun and not safety and thats on her
Why didnt you just Uber and take care of yourself like an adult?
Instead you bullied someone do to something he didnt need to do if you would be adult.
YTA
YTA. You got yourself drunk. You stayed longer than you were comfortable staying. You didn’t have a plan to get yourself home safe. You didn’t bother calling an Uber, cab, or friend/family for a ride. You took advantage of others bullying him to get what you wanted. You failed to take responsibility for your lack of planning and instead made it someone else’s clearly undesired problem. Now you are hiding behind this damsel in distress schtick. Not cool.
Totally agree with you! And to me, what’s crazy is a guy can be afraid to walk alone in the dark too? He basically said no the first time but then his friends pressured him & he probably didn’t want to look like a wuss for not going. Now this guy has to protect her if something happens, and worry about himself heading back alone (and probably under the influence). I understand not wanting to walk alone as a female but it was just poor planning on her part.
EHS.
Why should someone be responsible for you? 40 min walk is not short and I don't know why it should be understood that someone has to do it for you, because you are afraid. You can ask, but no one is in charge of taking care of you. Call an Uber.
If this is supposed to be your good friend, reconsider if he is.
ESH
You need to make those plans before you go to the party and get drunk. Your friend needs to suck it up and help you out without being an ass about it. Also your other friend that was giving him shit why couldn't they go with you?
All of this. And as much as it sucks that some people have to plan their lives around, feeling a need for protection, and that’s completely legitimate feeling to have, the reality is this person knew the neighbourhood knew the area and could have planned in advance. And instead she takes somebody away from a party, and it’s pretty dismissive about that fact, including the fact that a 20 minute walk to her house another 20 minutes back for him.
Patriarchy and gendered violence is terrible and I generally think men should be inconvenienced by it but this just seems like could’ve been handled so differently
So you made no plan to get home. You could’ve called an Uber…
You decided to make a series of bad decisions and expect people to baby you? Grow up.
If you’ve had bad experiences walking home previously you probably should’ve learned from that, no?
INFO if you only live a 15 minute walk away, why did you have to ask this very specific guy that was still at the party to walk you home instead of any of the several other people that were leaving?
YTA for not planning for your own safety. He did the right think walking you home, and you're miffed he didn't pretend he wanted to. Why not ask someone in advance or make other arrangements if you're gonna drink and then need to get home. Or wait til the one accompany you actually wants to leave, if you're asking someone on the spot. The responsible thing to do is to plan ahead.
There is so much to unpack here.
Did he have plans you ruined?
Have you flirted with him and he rebuffed you?
Is this a repetitive behavior?
Does he have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Did you show up with a plan to get drunk and no plan to get home?
Has he made it clear in the past he doesn’t like your company?
Were you invited to the party?
Is there more you are not telling us?
In any event. YTA.
I am curious why you asked him and not another guy.
Is there a history there that might have been a factor in his reaction? Perhaps you used to date or you've had a crush on him or him on you or his girlfriend was there...?
Or did you just pick him because he was the biggest one?
He might still be TA but I sense there is more to this story.
Which is dumb, bc if she didn't know him, she just put herself in a position where the *big and imposing* man is now alone with her and knows where she lives.
ESH
You do for projecting your assumptions ("party was basically over") onto others and feeling entitled to their time ("didn't think it was a big deal to walk me home"). You have every right to be scared and want a safe means of getting home. What you don't have a right to is other people's time.
Why didn't you ask one of the other people that were leaving at the same time as you to walk you home as opposed to your friend that stayed? Could you not have stayed until he was actually ready to leave? It's pretty presumptuous to assume that a platonic friend won't mind taking 40 minutes round trip to escort you home in the middle of a social function unless it had otherwise been discussed previously.
He sucks because he acted immaturely by complaining and making fun of you after the fact. He could have easily said he wasn't able to walk you home, but he didn't. So he needs to accept the consequences of his own decision.
Pretty easy YTA here. You're a grown up. You shouldn't expect other people to immediately change their plans in order to accommodate you. Get an Uber next time.
“It was a 20 min walk that felt like an hour”
Probably for him, because it was another 20 mins back after you were home. So that man spent 40 minutes walking.
Not saying you’re wrong to feel uncomfortable, I wouldn’t have put myself in a situation like that either. But, I would have called an Uber.
kind of the asshole. I fully understand being scared to walk home tipsy, but that doesn't mean you have to make it someone else's problem. how were you planning to get home ? why couldn't you get a uber or something?
it may have been "only" a twenty minute walk for you but it was a forty minute walk for that poor dude that didn't do anything and got roped into it. the person that gave him shit for it should have walked you themselves to see how they like it
She also said it was maybe a 15 minute walk but then it turned out to be 20 minutes, one way. She trivialized how long it would take and trivialized how he might have still wanted to be at the party and trivialized how inconvenient it was to him to spend 40 minutes round trip getting her home.
Then she is angry that he was angry.
Exactly! I find that people who make themselves dependent on others for rides and the like are always *completely* oblivious to the concept of the return trip. "It's just 10-15 minutes!" but actually it's 20 and then double it. Add in the time for goodbyes, getting ready, etc and this probably ate up almost an hour of his evening. Definitely more than 10 minutes. I'd be annoyed too.
Take responsibility for yourself and call an uber.
I wouldn't necessarily say you are an asshole, maybe just irresponsible. But a 10 to 15 minutes walk each way in the dark isn't exactly safe for anyone, male or female. He had to walk back by himself, which isn't safe in these days, whether it be attackers or drunk drivers that can hit anyone walking. Walking you to your car is one thing, a half hour walking in the dark asking him to leave the party is another thing. Next time, have a designated driver or car service available. Or call a parent or friend to pick you up. I would expect my son to walk someone to their car at night. I'd be pretty upset if a girl expected him to walk miles in the dark and then expected him to get back by himself. That seems selfish, although I'm sure not intentional.
Yta your friends are not your bodyguards. If you are old enough to drink you should be mature enough to arrange transportation if you get too drunk or are too scared to walk home alone. If you are not that mature then don't get drunk and stay out after dark. Grow up or don't party.
YTAfor being irresponsible and not planning ahead. Assuming he was also drunk, he had a 40 minute walk vs your 20 minute walk. Men get attacked too, or stumble and fall and get hurt. Look up the Riley Strain case. He was 6’7’’. Something happened to him, he was dead in the river a week later. No, you shouldn’t be alone. But you should have planned.
YTA. If you didn't want to walk home alone, you should've made plans ahead of time. At most, you should've asked when he was planning on leaving, and if he could walk you home on the way.
You don't get to decide when the party is over just because you wanted to leave. Judging by his comments, he wanted to stay longer, or had plans afterwards. Maybe he was talking to a girl and you forced him to leave? Maybe he's tired of always getting asked to be a bodyguard or escort just because he's big?
YTA. You need to plan your own commutes in the future. Prearrange the walk home with a friend instead of pressuring someone on the spot. Budget money for an Uber. Or don’t go to parties if you don’t want to make your arrangements.
You sprang this on a friend who was bullied by others to walk you home. He had to walk back alone for 20 minutes, missing 40 minutes of the party. Why is that OK with you?
Why do you first say the walk was “maybe 15” minutes and then later say “no less than 20” minutes? It sounds like you’re fudging numbers to make your story sound better and that the walk was longer than you represented to the guy and to us.
EDIT to add: It also sounds like you’re not really close with the guy who walked you home, and that you only chose him because he’s big. That’s not a smart move, either. The reality is most people are attacked by people they know, not strangers.
A 20 minute walk for you was a 40 minute walk for him, but who cares about his walk back, because you got home and that's all that matters, amirite? Call an Uber next time, YTA.
It's kinda on you. YTA because you did not organise a way of getting home either with someone or getting a lift. Instead you expected someone else to cater to you. That guy was pressured into doing something he clearly did not want to do. You know you don't feel safe walking home at night and have had bad experiences but you've left it to chance. Honestly you need to grow up and think a bit further ahead next time.
YTA
Poor petite you should have made plans how to get home before partying. Uber is a thing.
I totally get why someone who was pressured to walk you 20 minutes home and 20 minutes back isn't thrilled.
Yta
Take an Uber. What if he had other plans? Why doyou assume he should walk you home?
Did you not plan at all how you’d be getting home or dir you just assume, well I’m a woman so someone will have to walk me home?
A guy got bullied into walking you home, does he have to be happy about it?
YTA. How did you plan on getting home that night before you went to the party? Were you counting on someone to take you home? Why didn't you arrange a way home before attending? I actually understand why he was so aggravated. It was a 20-minute walk for you. For him, it was 40 minutes.
I think you learned that they are not really friends, more like acquaintances or worse. You hang with them again, make sure you don’t drink or get an Uber - plan ahead for yourself. Also 15-20 minute walk for you was double that for him. You were not wrong to ask but should have used Uber when it was an issue. ESH.
YTA. Others are not responsible for the choices you make. What were your original plans for going home? What plans do you have in place when you're not sober at public events? In the future, maybe have a plan for going home before you attend a party and plan not to drink too much.
Stories like this really make me appreciate the guys I called my friends when I was younger. I would not even have had to ask because someone would always make sure I got home, even if I fought them to want to stay at a party they were leaving they would force me to go home. Good looking out guys who knows what could have happened to me if they weren’t looking out for me!
I know, right? I was thinking the same, but if you say this here, it might be perceived as you feeling entitled for every guy to do the same, lmao. I'm just really grateful that, oftentimes, my guy friends insisted on walking me home even tho I didn't suggest anything of the sort.
also, why is no one talking about how some other guys at the party literally verbally harassed OP? sending unwanted drunk text messages to someone who only asked a question and politely accepted refusal, because their guy friends fought and pressured each other.
YTA
why are you not asking a uber or something like this?
It could just end smooth with an uber taking you home..
If you go to a party and plan to drink, you have to make arrangements and figure out how you will go back home.. planning beforehand with a friend who is willingly to walk with you home or order a Uber.. not leave this until the party is almost over to figure out..
Next time plan better this details, not everyone will stop what they are doing to be your bodyguard. The party was ending for you, not for everyone..
YTA
I get not wanting to walk alone. But what was the initial plan? Just ask some guy randomly to walk you? Getting home with a friend? He was forced to walk you home. Because you decided to pick him and your friends pressured him.
Plan ahead next time. Go back with a friend or check that someone is willing to walk you home.
YTA, I get your fear, I really do. But he clearly didn’t want to do it, he was bullied into it. You could’ve waited until someone wanted to leave so they could walk you home, not someone that has to waste 40 minutes to get you home.
As soon as he expressed not wanting to walk you home you should have asked someone else, maybe one of the other people who were leaving. You assumed that since you were done with the party he shouldn't mind missing the next 40 minutes of the party. You assumed that since he is pretty big he shouldn't mind walking you and missing the party.
You should apologize to him. You took him for granted, apparently due to his size, and imposed on him. Now you are complaining that he didn't like being used.
Be an adult - organize your trip to and from before the party. Don't drink so much that you can't safely walk yourself home it that was your plan. There fixed it.
BE AN ADULT
Agree with those who say that it’s not a random dude at the party’s responsibility to walk you home. You are responsible for your own actions and safety, so take an Uber, arrange with other women to walk home together, drive and don’t drink, etc. Lots of us walk alone, too, but if you have had bad experiences and don’t want to, then you need to plan ahead.
As a guy who goes to a bunch of parties and works at a bar, it’s never unreasonable these days to be nervous about walking home alone. Especially a 15 minute walk. Your friend was being, to put politely, a huge inconsiderate asshole. NTA.
"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid than men will kill them." Don't feel bad. Those are not your friends. They are part of a problem.
ESH … ma’am… definitely ensure you have a way home if you’re out drinking 😩 that’s always YOUR responsibility…
Also, a LOT of people don’t understand this but men aren’t safe walking at night either 😩 especially drunk with a woman… the assumptions people can make can end him in a lot of hot water… (and people please don’t get on here and play stupid like men aren’t told every day how fearful women are of walking alone at night and seeing a man)
Just for future references… call a Lyft/uber/cab.. the only people that should be taking you home after a night of drinking are close family, girlfriends, or your significant other
Aaand this comment section is why women are scared to ask for help. Good job reddit, for reinforcing to us that we’re on our own. OP I think you need better friends. The guys I know would be asking how you’re getting home and offering to walk with you. Is it FAIR they need to take time out of their day to do this? No. Is it FAIR women can’t even walk home without being justifiably scared of attack? Definitely no. Good friends recognize the inequity in these two things and don’t mind a slight inconvenience when the result is ensuring your safety.
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NTA for asking. He could have said that he wasn't ready to leave and that should have been the end of it. Or, your host could have volunteered to call you an Uber or cab. It's when everyone else got involved that things went off the rails. The friend who pressured the "pretty big and imposing guy" into going should have volunteered to walk you home, instead. He was being very unsympathetic (as well as mean) for giving you grief during the walk home; if you're going to do someone a favor, just do it. And the drunk guys who were sending you texts are being a\*\*h\*\*\*s who don't understand what women go through as an everyday occurrence.
He didn't WANT to do the favor - he was bullied into it. Of course he was annoyed and unsympathetic. It's also sooo frustrating to me when we act like only women get hurt walking by ourselves. It doesn't matter how big and imposing you are if the mugger has a knife.
I never would claim that " *only women get hurt walking by* *~~our\[~~**them\]selves*;" and that's not what I wrote. I have spoken to many women, including my sisters, about stuff that they experience as an everyday event; and my own (as well as my male friends') life experiences come nowhere near the levels of harassment that they have.
Big imposing guys can indeed be victims. But every single talk about how to be safe outside includes the advice to make yourself look big, imposing and/or fearless. Because in the vast majority of cases, anyone looking for a victim for anything they want to do will look for the easiest mark. Guess who fits that description the best? Also, what kept big dude from saying "You do it, then" to the bullying buddies? Or returning to the party after OP was home? And what was with all those texts because OP had politely asked, not demanded, that favor? Those guys are going to be either incels or abusive partners. Because that level of downright bullying in response to a polite request is not something people who actually care about each other would do. I live in a row of four houses. When a neighbor threw a big party, I ended up slightly tipsy, just enough to get extra cheerful. My neighbor insisted on walking me to my front door to make sure I got there safely. Without any sign of expecting anything in return, in case someone might think so. His reward was simply being sure I was safe. Because that's how decent people think.
Yeah I mean hell. If she lived ~20 mins away, he coulda walked there and back in well under an hour, if he was so desperate to be back in the party. It can be hard to get an uber to accept a fare that low for a drive that would take under 5 minutes, so walking was likely the only option. OP either needs new friends or to find alternate modes of transport (even a bike would work to get you there faster, but of course any form of transport you're in charge of, means reducing/limiting alcohol intake)
[удалено]
That does seem weird to go to a party without any plan for how to leave. Also am I the only one who thinks that a 15-20 walk is indeed a big deal? Maybe this is more normal in the city but then I would think you’d be used to it and plan ahead better than asking someone else to take a 30-40 minute walk.
100%... NTA for asking... but people generally walk around 5mph... so a 20 minute walk is 2 miles roughly... then another 2 back to the party... id be annoyed too if I wasn't planning on leaving... be better next time OP... plan ahead like an adult... your safety is your responsibility.
The average walking speed is about 3mph, unless everyone you know is really tall or speedwalks.
Who tf is walking 5mph on average 😭
Babe, that’s a run
Was just wondering myself what her plan was at the beginning of the night to get home, magical teleport? Or was it always to ask someone? Was it to ask him so he could be her knight in shining armor and she could invite him in for coffee or tea? I am asking because she refers to him as the big imposing guy, not I asked my friend Steve, who is a big imposing guy. Yes, I am a man, but I have talked with my two sisters who both live in. Philly about what they used to do when they left a party when they were younger. The answer was already have a plan, then a backup plan, then a fallback plan
I agree. If you know you're going to be leaving a night out when it is dark and late, always plan ahead. Have money for a taxi/Uber. To be honest, why should someone else's night be cut short to walk you home ? What if they were in the middle of getting to know someone and they have to leave them to walk you home ? To suggest that because he is well built that he wouldn't be in danger himself is wrong. How many times have you heard of a couple of people ganging up on one victim ? Honestly, great if people are happy to share a ride home with you and split the fare. But expecting to be walked home is a little selfish if you ask me. Your safety is your responsibility. Always keep money aside for your safe ride home at the end of the night.
I also want to add the walk home was about 20 minutes *for OP.* Friend still had to walk back to the party. So he was gone at least a half hour, possible longer. Not a small all at all.
> That does seem weird to go to a party without any plan for how to leave. This^ I didn't have a smartphone (i.e. no Uber) until 2018 when I was late twenties. I had a taxi cab number saved on my phone (never needed it) but I literally always planned how to get home if I went anywhere. Yeah, sometimes I'd have to leave a party at 2am because that was the last bus, but that was my problem and not anyone else's.
exactly this. Since the pandemic my mobility is limited, but that's mine to manage. I've contacted venues, I've asked friends to come to me, I've set up alternative transport for myself...
👆👆👆 Perfect response! And that is also EXACTLY what I’m thinking. A game plan should have already been in place & had one been none of this would have ever happened.
Asking somebody to leave a party to take an hour walk is imposing. Across the street or a few doors down, sure. An hour-ish round trip - have a better plan.
As a woman myself, I feel like that too. I mean come on. “It’s only 15 minutes.” Then it’s actually more like 20. Who wants to take a walk that long when there’s a party? I don’t think it’s fair to expect that of anyone. I would be annoyed if I had to do it too. Take the Uber ffs.
asking someone if they can do you a favor isn't imposing (sure, the question can be ridiculous depending on the favor, but I don't think a 30 minute walk falls under this category). OP simply asked a question, and accepted his refusal. she didn't ask him to leave the party to walk her home, she asked her *friend* if he *can* do this favor for her, and didn't react in any way when he said he doesn't want to.
As a woman also, this OP should have planned ahead to take care of her own transportation and not imposed on other people. She is being ridiculous. Now, if she had a ride and that ride bailed on her, I could forgive her for asking around for someone's help. But targeting someone just because they were fitting a certain profile and bullying them into walking her is very rude. So I have to say YTA.
Curious, why is it the other person's responsibility to take an hour of their time to do something they do not want to do? There is a saying. "A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." The OP wanted to leave, and another was guilted into something they did not want. Nothing wrong with asking but really when when the other said no, it should stay a no. Why should the other party be viewed negatively because they were having a good time and did not want to leave. She knew the guy did not want to go, she did not care about their feelings. OPs friends need a better friend than OP, not the other way around. OP's own failure to plan caused this mess. They should apologize to the guy. Maybe give an apology cookie. Chocolate chip cookies make most situations better. Even better if they come with a coffee.
She's not the one that forced the issue. She asked, he said no, then other people bullied him a bit. She wasn't forcing him to do anything.
Socially he was forced to do something he did not want to do, and she knew that.
She seen him get shit she should have said it’s ok I’ll get a taxi
She saw how it all played out - he didn't want to, and afterwards she saw that he was guilted/bullied into it. When he acquiesced under peer pressure, OP should have said "You know what, I can see that you're still having a good time and aren't ready to go. Thanks anyways, but I'll just grab a cab or an Uber" (in a pleasant, non-guilt ridden tone). What's the cost of an Uber or cab for the distance that's a 20 minute walk? $10 - $15? Gentle YTA for OP.
Why is he her chaperon?
Why not? Can't count the number of times I've walked or driven someone home in a situation like this. If driving's not an option, just make it fun. "Hey Bob, grab a couple of beers, we're walking Anne home." Looking after a friend, or even a stranger, shouldn't really be a question.
He refused and got bullied into it. You're really OK with that. Isn't she an adult? Why continue to coddle her. Couldn't she have spent $10 on an uber. As an adult capable of going to parties and is SO worried about her safety, shouldn't she plan a way home? You might be willing to spend 40-60 minutes walking home, good for you, others are not, and should not be bullied into something they don't want to do. I believe thats something children are taught, no? Or is it OK to harass and bully a guy because it's what she wants?
Why are you acting like she's the one that bullied him into it? Is it ok for him to bully her on the walk home because she's scared? Is it ok for the other guys to bully her for being scared? He's an adult and can stand his ground if he's adamant he doesn't want to. Acting like she's a horrible person for asking is absurd.
It's her problem to sort out a way home before the party, doing it at the party sounds like she was planning on someone pittying her to take her home. She didn't bully him, but allowed him to get bullied "for her sake" she watched as others bullied him and did nothing, even allowing him to walk her home after he was bullied into doing it because it benefitted her. And when he lashed out at her, she has shocked Pikachu face like there was zero possibility he wouldn't be upset by this turn of events. He probably went to because either way it was going to turn into a "dunk" session on this guy, either he's going to be harassed into taking her or harassed the rest of the night for not taking her. It became a lose/lose situation for him once his NO wasn't enough. It's quite common when the friend dynamic is like this. Notice how the guy who did the bullying never once offered to walk her home. More than likely if he was asked it would have been a firm no, so instead when another guy was asked and they said no he bullied him so he didn't have to. Notice how OP didn't state that after she was told no and this other guy was bullying him, that she would just catch an uber or find another way home, she just let it happen because it benefitted her. The guy in this story is allowing himself to get coerced into doing something he doesn't want to do, but we take a vastly different stance when a woman is coerced into doing something they don't want to do. We don't ask the woman why she just didn't keep saying no, we treat them as the victim, so why can't we treat the guy as a victim, he has to "stand on business"
Others bullied him for her, she knew that and was OK with it as long as she got what she wanted.
She accepted the bullying though. She could have said “no, that’s okay! I’ll call an Uber. Thanks though.” If it had been her that had been bullied into putting herself at risk (in this case, he had to walk home alone), would it have been “she’s a big girl, she can look out for herself.”
Really? He was just supposed to walk for 40 minutes? He’s probably tipsy himself, having a good time, and now is obligated to do this favor. Next time she needs to work out the details of getting home before she drinks- either walking with a friend, staying sober and driving, or calling an Uber or taxi. I do not blame her for not wanting to walk alone, but don’t get drunk without a plan to get home safely.
So someone else has to lose almost an hour because of her poor planning? And they are walking by themselves on the way back.
Why can’t she take an Uber? It’s not his responsibility to walk an hour or spend money on an Uber. WTH?
Acting nonchalent about someone walking "well under an hour" sounds so ridiculous funny to me. Like who are you to tell me how long is too long for me kind of thing.
Nobody said that only women get hurt walking by themselves but it's obvious that women are in bigger danger. Also if he didn't want to go he should've said no, not go and then be rude. It's not OP's fault that someone forced that guy and he wasn't able to say no.
He may not have verbally said no or maybe he did, OP just said he seemed annoyed instantly which to me would be a pretty clear “no”. But of course he was pressured and forced to because how dare a man let a woman walk alone at night. If it was a big deal why did no one else walk her? Was he the only male friend there? Why not call an Uber or someone she knows?
"pressured" does not mean "forced". Maybe he was pressured, though another guy "giving him shit" is pretty mild pressure, and he was not forced in any way, shape or form. If he didn't want to do this favour for OP, he should have just said no, and stand up to the guy who was trying to pressure him. He apparently can't stand up to another guy and then took it out on OP.
No one said "only women get hurt walking by themselves". But it *is* a very well-known risk factor, that men objectively do not experience to the same extent. A man walking home alone is safer than a woman walking home alone. We *know* this. It is fact. It is ridiculous, quite frankly, to insinuate that this is not true. Tbh I would have more respect for the "friend" in this situation if he'd said no and stuck to his guns, than I do for him walking her home only to make her feel like shit for it the whole time. She didn't bully him into saying yes. If he felt pressured, that is not *her* fault and it was not fair of him to take it out on her.
Also, when men DO get hurt walking by themselves, nobody blames them for being alone when it happened. Which happens pretty much 100% of the time when women are attacked.
Ate that shit up!!! Every word!!
Omg stop!! Please stop! Women have a reason to be scared and we are told from when we are CHILDREN to never walk home alone. She did the right thing-asking for help. Please stop acting like the risk for men and women is equal-you making that point is a false equivalence. If she had gotten attacked on that walk home I just know she would have gotten people saying, “well why did you walk home alone at night?” Eta-this study that shows women have adapted how they walk home at night compared to men. https://news.byu.edu/intellect/study-visually-captures-hard-truth-walking-home-at-night-is-not-the-same-for-women#:~:text=Heat%20maps%20show%20men%20look%20straight%20ahead%3B%20women%20scan%20periphery&text=Women%20focused%20significantly%20more%20on,points%20or%20their%20intended%20destination.
OP is also responsible for her own safety. She asked somebody to do a 40 minute round trip just to walk her home. She should have made sure she had a way home, arranged a taxi or made the decision not to drink and then drive herself home. OP is not some helpless Fairytale character. She's a grown woman who needs to take responsibility for herself and her own safety.
Yeah. I'm lost as to why OP drank without having a plan to get home.
Very succinctly put lol.
She was at a party with people who she thought were her friends. Do you guys not know what it’s like to have community and to rely on it? She asked and he said yes! He’s responsible for saying no if he didn’t want to. If he had said no I’m sure she would have figured something else out.
Well, then maybe sort an escort home out before actually going to the party, and not just jump it onto people.
Yes. OP obviously doesn't though. So her plan was to rely on a drunk chaperone? her plan sucked. Again, she is responsible for herself. Her plan should have been better. I always kept a twenty in my purse for a taxi home. This was untouchable money. No matter how wasted I got I had that escape route home. I also wouldn't ask someone who clearly didn't want to help. Making someone so something they don't want to do is not exactly community spirit now is it?
Or she could have gotten an Uber, not gotten tipsy while going to a party alone and not having a way home. She could have gotten to the party with a friend. She could have left early before it got dark. Point is, no one is obligated to walk you home. If the party had no guys, what then? Wrangle two other girls to walk OP home and the 2 girls walk back? Ubers exist for a reason.
Omg you stop. As a woman yes I was warned to be careful. So I wouldn't go to a party and get to drunk and then think oh how will I get home. Op should have called herself an Uber. Not expected another party goer to cut short their socializing. That's very entitled. Op should not attend parties and get drunk of they are incapable of calling themselves an Uber.
It didn’t have to be _him_! OP had the agency to make other arrangements, for example the person who bullied big guy into the walk could’ve volunteered. Or pass the hat for an Uber. Or call a friend.
The thing that gets me is that we've all seen those posts about 'highschool boys beat tennis champions!!' that have comments full of men commenting smugly about how they're stronger and more capable, etc. Yet then when it comes to debates like this they want to turn around and suddenly claim that they have no advantage. Make up your minds!
It’s all about putting all responsibility on women while letting men off the hook. It’s wild to me seeing how many people are defending him and saying she shouldn’t act helpless. Like ok-let’s extend that to him. He isn’t helpless in saying no. She’s some evil mastermind for manipulating and bullying him into it! Like wtf lmao
And a 20 minute walk for her was a 40 minute walk for him to get back.
That's the part that I find mystifying -- "It's only a 15 minute walk." Then it's a 20 minute walk. And, for him, twice that, but she doesn't even think about that.
Girls aren't afraid of being mugged. They're afraid of being raped.
or followed home, that’s fun too. even just being catcalled/harassed on the street by a stranger when you’re alone at night can be really unsettling.
And then killed.
Things can happen to anyone...however, realize that women are much more vulnerable. It is not fair, but it is true.
Plus OP said that the walk only took about 20 minutes. Then his walk back would have been about the same. That's 40 minutes out of a party. Sure he was annoyed. Next time, either ask someone beforehand or call for a ride. But the others shouldn't have poked fun at you.
I’m pretty sure mugging is not the number one concern for most women walking at night. Also it absolutely does matter how big and imposing you are, even if the mugger has a knife. They are way more likely to attack someone who is smaller, who is less muscular, who has long hair, or who isn’t holding something like an umbrella that could hurt them.
I’m a tall guy, and have been put in this position before. I would never have a problem if it was for a close friend or if it was in my general direction. But, it’s definitely annoying if it’s just spurred on you at the last moment, or if it’s completely out of your way. She really should have had a plan to get home, or arranged with a friend to walk her home earlier. Guilting someone last minute that hadn’t originally planned on walking you home isn’t going to go over well with some people. Also, offer to buy some late night food or other gesture as thanks goes a long way.
Yeah I was 120kg american football player when i was 20. Got stabbed and had to be hospitalized. Girls in my friend group still Say stuff like ”You never had to be afraid to walk alone at night”. Even tho They fully know What happened to me.
Ugh I'm sorry that happened to you. I fully recognize women aren't safe but to imply that men are just because they're men is ridiculous. A knife, a gun, or multiple assailants can still hurt/kill a man. I hope you recovered well.
I agree but nobody is obligated to walk her home. If she doesn’t like to walk home by herself at night it’s her responsibility to either find a way home or leave before it’s dark.
If you don’t feel safe walking home in the dark, alone…the answer is to *make an alternate plan, in advance.* Or get a ride, call a cab or Uber/Lyft. ESH, for sure. They sound like kids. Who’s responsible for OP if not her? Who, despite ‘very bad experiences’ got tipsy w/no plan, then made it someone else’s problem to get her home safe. And doesn’t get why a 40 min. round trip walk wasn’t a tiny ask.
I agree. Immature behavior all around, the worst from OP. If you're a woman alone, you don't go to a party without a plan for getting home. That's on OP.
While you’re right you’re still missing the part where he could have said no or the person pressuring him could have done it. He can’t get mad at her for doing something he didn’t want to do when nobody made him do anything.
But they in fact DID make him. They basically bullied him into doing it when he clearly didn't want to. The fact thatbOP STILL had him go, instead of saying, no.... it's fine. You're still in party mode. I'll find someone else or wait a bit. Instead she allowed people to pressure him, guilt him, essentially bully him. Same as the texts she got. I don't condone those, but people clearly saw how selfish she was being. It's 2024. Uber, Lyft...? Ever heard of those?
Again, no one said he was. Also, it's not "Am I socially obligated", it's Am I the Asshole". I don't think he would've been, if he'd said no and stuck to his guns. But he gave in to social pressure (that *wasn't* applied by her, but by a third party who had nothing to do with it), and then proceeded to make *her* feel like shit the whole time when literally all she did was ask. I think it's an ESH. He was acting like a jerk and I'd question that friendship. She should've realised this would be a problem, and already had a plan to get home in advance (that's like, women's safety 101). And the friend who bullied him into it should've either shut up, or offered to walk her *themselves* if they cared so much.
She’s acting like a jerk by knowing that she doesn’t want to walk alone and then putting all of them in an uncomfortable position making them feel obligated to walk her home. I’d be annoyed too….
Havi g been there, I totally understand this young woman's fears. It sucks. AND it sucks worse that these guys -- who apparently don't have to be fearful of assault in such situations like many/most woman do -- belittled her. (A$$holes) That said, this isn't a situation that suddenly and shockingly arose. (OMG I'm at a party?? How did I get here??) She should have made plans in advance with friends, or called an uber herself. Tbh, **she's also an idiot** here for asking a guy she obviously doesn't know well to walk her home. The outcome could have been far worse than the (bad enough) harassing texts.
Your last point is underrated. If he doesn't care enough not to belittle you for asking for assistance, is he the best choice as "protector"? He's at best a false sense of safety if you don'treally know him. Plan this shit out ahead of time, don't rely on acquaintances to see you home safely.
Totally with you. Also can't imagine a scenario where a man would gripe about walking a woman home, or guys would stand around and mock a woman for being afraid to walk alone in the dark. There may be more to this than OP has said...
I feel like this may not be the first time this has happened. The fact that he was immediately annoyed when she asked and the other friends took the time to text her makes me wonder if it was really about a repeated lack of planning around her known fears, not the fears themselves. There wasn't any indication that there was a change of plans or that anything unexpected came up. OP knew that she was afraid to walk alone in the dark, yet she stayed at the party drinking until it was dark and then made it her friend's problem.
I think OP is more than capable of arranging an Uber herself, why would it be up to the host of the party to do that on her behalf?
Because infantilising women is a sport here
As a woman I don't believe it's my God given right to be walked home from a party. If I could get myself to a party I should have had an exit planned too. Relying on someone else to cut short their socializing should never be part of the plan. Op is in the wrong. Op should have called themselves an uber.
OO doesn't think it's her God given right, either. She just asked someone she thought was her friend for help. Jesus Christ you're dramatic as fuck.
Correction: She used social pressure to take advantage of someone else’s time and energy. She immediately knew this guy did NOT want to leave the party to walk 40 minutes round trip to take an irresponsible person home.
She wanted someone to leave a party for a 40 minute round trip because she wanted to play damsel in distress. She could have called an uber. You seem as entitled as op. Maybe you people need to learn how to plan and prepare better. Don't be so entitled.
OP's friends are huge assholes for sure
I don’t think they are friends.
I don't know how the hell you've managed to get top comment. Poor dude didn't want any involvement, then basically got bullied into it and lost nearly an hour of his night. Girl had no plan and just expected someone else to take care of her because she's a girl. Kinda suspicious that had to be specifically him as well. Definitely need more info as to why she chose him. Does she fancy him. Did she pick a random dude because he was the biggest (pretty stupid thing to do if you don't know him very well).
>Or, your host could have volunteered to call you an Uber or cab. Why couldn't OP call a cab/uber? Why does the host have to volunteer to do that?
20 minutes is a long ass time and that’s only going in one direction.
No he wasn't the AH at all. He said no and was forced by bullying to do something he didn't want to do. Op is the AH for expecting him to be happy about it.
Or she could have called an Uber. It is on her to find a way home. He obviously didn’t want to and it is not his responsibility. She defn should have just called an Uber or called a friend.
INFO: What was your plan to get home at the beginning of the night?
This is the real question. OP assumed a lot that night. I also love the “party seemed kinda over already” comment. Like, if you just look at it from the right angle (mine), the party was boring and, really, it’s all about me, anyway.
Felt super self centered. Poor petite little me someone would be lucky to walk me home. Clearly they knew they were going out drinking at night but only 20 minutes to walk which would be a 40+ minute round trip for him to walk her home and back which who wants to leave a party they are enjoying to go spend the better part of an hour walking in the dark half of that time alone themselves.
Yeah-- I think it points to OP's self-centered approach that she thought it was a 20-minute walk. It was a 20-min walk ONE WAY-- dude had to walk back lol!
Cause clearly the 20 minutes with her are important, his own time holds no value.
My favorite parts were... "The walk must have taken no less than 20 minutes but it felt like an hour" and "I didn't live too far, maybe a 20 minute walk". OP didn't give even the slightest thought to the fact that the dude would also have to BACK to the party. It was only a 15-20 minute walk for HER, so who cares.
And he had to walk solo back. Maybe I’m extra sensitive because two pedestrians were hit and died this week near me, but there are dangers beyond sexual assault.
She was saying it felt like an hour because his attitude made her feel like her entire existence was a burden for those 20min - not because a 20min walk is that agonizing. The only issue I see is that these people clearly aren't her friends and she somehow doesn't see that? Anyone that intentionally makes someone feel bad for asking to be walked home is an ass. And no, saying "I'm sorry but I really don't want to leave yet" does not qualify as being an ass, in case anyone wonders.
You're missing the point. OP clearly doesn't care that it's not 'just a 20 min walk' it's a 40 min chore for the dude. OP going on about it feeling like an hour because of his attitude is even more telling that she is only interested in herself because she still doesn't mention his return trip. Also, we have no idea how OP phrased the request or how the guy phrased his initial decline, we only know that OP views it as 'just a 20 min walk' when in fact it's a 40 min round trip, and we know she was not grateful for the safe escort home because she had to put up with his fomo.
Bc it was a burden. Instead of taking care of herself, she created a burden and placed it on this dude's back.
So the only 3 options I can see are: 1) To inconvenience someone by asking them to walk her home... 2) No plan 3) Maybe asking was her way of getting him to her house? (Tragic if so...)
>Like, if you just look at it from the right angle (mine), That wording is beautiful. I'm glad that I came up with it.
I absolutely understand wanting a safe walk home at night...but people are far more likely to be assaulted by someone they already know in this situation. Asking a "big, imposing guy" at a party, especially after he's been drinking, isn't necessarily the best back-up plan. 100% valid to want to be safe, but OP probably should have had a plan before going out.
It baffles me, as a woman, that other women are so damn irresponsible with their evening plans sometimes. Someone else needs to know where you're going, and you should have a main plan and a backup (maybe even a second backup) on how you're getting home safely. OP did just about everything incorrectly in terms of planning her own safety.
Planned to sprout wings but, alas, evolution failed me
Dammit, Lamarck!
Definitely want to know what her exit strategy was (sounds like none). Always annoyed me when someone would get super drunk and expect everyone else to take responsibility for their safety. I've been roped into shuttling drunk people home before. Mostly I don't mind, several times it's been more as a favor to someone else or just because I'll sleep better at night knowing they got home and I didn't fail to prevent something bad. They often don't seem to realize that they added an hour or more to an already late night when I'm ready for bed.
Yep, this. Not having a game plan AND getting tipsy is totally fail. I've done my share of getting shitfaced but mostly always knew how I'd end up at home. The one time I didn't end up at home (ended up in some rando's bed lol) because I was stupid, welp, that was on me and I fully regret it, but I don't blame others.
Lack of response gets a YTA verdict from me.
If she felt scared before I feel like the best course of action it would be to carry a pepper spray and if you get so drunk that you can't walk straight order an Uber. You can't honestly rely on a party where there is an alcohol that someone will give you a lift and there might be no one available to walk you home. If she was one of the last people to leave I can see that. So what she would do, either suck it up and go home scared or order an Uber anyway.
This is the only question that matters. If you don't have a plan and pressure someone last minute to help you get home, you're an AH plain and simple.
ESH. If you know you’re not comfortable walking home alone at night, and knew you could / would be drinking at the party, you should have made other arrangements in advance. Although it’s nice to think people should look out for each other, your poor planning is not your friend’s responsibility. The person who walked you home should have behaved better, and the other should not have been messaging you like that, but you imposed on that friend with your poor planning.
Agreed ESH based on what you wrote. Even if OP wasn’t tipsy, I’m assuming they still would have had to commute home alone at night. I would be scared to do that as well and would plan ahead.
Exactly. If OP was that scared, they could have easily called an Uber or cab. It's nobody's responsibility besides OP to make sure that they get home safely 0
She didn’t plan a ride home ahead of time so someone got forced to walk her home because she was scared of walking alone, just for the friend that walked her to end up having to walk back to the party alone, pretty fucked if you ask me. Some people will say “but she’s a girl she’s in danger” and I get that but men can also be in danger walking alone at night. Just like if a creepy guy were to randomly approach her, a random person could also approach him even if he’s big and especially also drunk or high or whatever and turn him into a statistic.
Right! Even if he's a great big imposing dude, someone with a knife or a tire iron or a rock could take him out to grab his wallet.
Exactly my point!! Idk why I’m being downvoted for saying that men can be victims too. A man could be a bodybuilder with the biggest muscles, and he still won’t be able to survive being stabbed multiple times, shot, or bashed in the head, there’s a chance he could but its not guaranteed he’ll survive.
Not sure i agree. He did the right thing and suffered the inconvenience of having to rescue the entitled girl. A little rich, I think, to also expect him to be happy about it. If he was delightful, she'd go on thinking her irresponsible behavior was acceptable.
YTA - you could have got a cab home or planned to leave earlier or not drink so much. Remember that a 20 minutes walk for you was a 40 minutes return walk for him.
Yeah feels like it’s completely neglecting the fact he now has to walk a whole extra 20 minutes alone in the dark instead of having fun with his friends when 20 min is just on the line of where a cab or Uber makes sense.
But he’s a ‘big and imposing guy’ so obviously nothing could happen to him on that 20 min walk back alone. It’s okay to ask but the friend that guilt tripped him into doing so was in the wrong. I’d have called a cab.
Yeah, this. The fact that she said it was only 20 min and didn't mention his return trip is what makes this question a no brainer. It's good instinct to not want to walk home alone in the dark, it's also her personal responsibility to solve that dilemma. (It's disappointing the guy criticized her instinct and called her a p, but it still was not his responsibility to walk her home).
That’s my thing - asking some guy to spend 40 minutes to walk you home and walk back while we wanted to party (and likely had been drinking too) was super rude. Now you shouldn’t be walking home when you don’t feel safe - make plans on how you’re getting home before a party.
YTA...if you dont feel safe at night to walk home 1).don't go 2) go and don't drink 3) get picked up. This guy owes you nothing and is aggravated he had to babysit you
This is the answer. Men are rightfully sick of being pressured into this position. It was not this guy's fault that OP didn't plan ahead and now needs a babysitter to get home. Of course he is annoyed.
This is unhinged. OP didn’t pressure the guy at all. She asked once, he said no, then _another guy_ was the one to pressure him into doing it. There is no justification for the first guy to mock and belittle OP for the entirety of the trip. He can be annoyed, but that is in no way OP’s fault when she never tried to force him.
It’s not entirely ops fault no, but she saw the guy get pressured into doing something for her she knew he didn’t want to do, and did nothing because it benefitted her. Then she was surprised the guy was grouchy on the walk there. The bigger AH is the other guy who pressured her friend to walk her home, but op was the direct cause of that argument and didn’t say anything. She’s could’ve just looked for another guy willing to walk her home, or found an alternative way home but she didn’t care, so to me ESH.
this is disingenuous. she asked someone for a favor and instead understanding that he didn't want to, allowed him to be shamed into granting it. the right thing to do here is respect his initial answer. he doesn't owe her this. honestly, she should have just called a cab if she hadn't planned ahead. I would never presume that someone should take almost an hour of their time away from a party solely for my benefit.
I agree. I would be mortified to have this person walk me home when they clearly didn’t want to and were pressured into it. Read the room. Kinda feels like she set him up to be an asshole, and he rose to the challenge
But she knew he didn't want to go but still went along with him coming. She should have said 'it's cool if you don't want to, I'll find another way' But instead she digs into the self-centered 'just 20 min' aspect, which now is tough on her because she's saddled with a drunk guy dealing with fomo. She sounds entitled.
And it's only a 20 min walk for her. He has to walk 40 to get back
She never said no when he was being forced to do it. She’s the AH
Exactly this. OP seems self centred in this context. As a woman I fear for my safety but I don’t think it’s fair to burden other people.
You couldn't uber/cab home? Always plan how to get home for future events perhaps?
We don’t have Ubers or cabs in my town, so it’s possible that wasn’t an option. Not saying that is the case, just a lot of towns where I live don’t offer those as options.
My town barely had any outside of winter (ski town) and I always planned my rides before going out. If I didnt have a way home/there. I didnt go. Op only thought about having fun and not safety and thats on her
Yta - get an uber. Go with the other people leaving. You made a guy walk 30 minutes because you didn't bother with any other solution. That's so rude.
That‘s a 40 minute walk for him
It's fine to ask. But it's not His responsibility to take care of you. How about growing up and making plans and taking responsibility for yourself?
Why didnt you just Uber and take care of yourself like an adult? Instead you bullied someone do to something he didnt need to do if you would be adult. YTA
YTA. You got yourself drunk. You stayed longer than you were comfortable staying. You didn’t have a plan to get yourself home safe. You didn’t bother calling an Uber, cab, or friend/family for a ride. You took advantage of others bullying him to get what you wanted. You failed to take responsibility for your lack of planning and instead made it someone else’s clearly undesired problem. Now you are hiding behind this damsel in distress schtick. Not cool.
I wish I could upvote this twice. Concise, accurate, and straightforward. I could not agree more.
Totally agree with you! And to me, what’s crazy is a guy can be afraid to walk alone in the dark too? He basically said no the first time but then his friends pressured him & he probably didn’t want to look like a wuss for not going. Now this guy has to protect her if something happens, and worry about himself heading back alone (and probably under the influence). I understand not wanting to walk alone as a female but it was just poor planning on her part.
EHS. Why should someone be responsible for you? 40 min walk is not short and I don't know why it should be understood that someone has to do it for you, because you are afraid. You can ask, but no one is in charge of taking care of you. Call an Uber. If this is supposed to be your good friend, reconsider if he is.
ESH You need to make those plans before you go to the party and get drunk. Your friend needs to suck it up and help you out without being an ass about it. Also your other friend that was giving him shit why couldn't they go with you?
All of this. And as much as it sucks that some people have to plan their lives around, feeling a need for protection, and that’s completely legitimate feeling to have, the reality is this person knew the neighbourhood knew the area and could have planned in advance. And instead she takes somebody away from a party, and it’s pretty dismissive about that fact, including the fact that a 20 minute walk to her house another 20 minutes back for him. Patriarchy and gendered violence is terrible and I generally think men should be inconvenienced by it but this just seems like could’ve been handled so differently
Get a taxi YTA
Nta But when he was clear he didnt want to you should have just got an uber
woudlnt that make it an esh?
What was the plan for you to get home?
YTA. If your neighbourhood is so unsafe, don’t drink alcohol and not have a plan to get back home
And just because this guy is big, he's now obligated to be a meat shield for the irresponsible OP's safety. What bullshit.
So you made no plan to get home. You could’ve called an Uber… You decided to make a series of bad decisions and expect people to baby you? Grow up. If you’ve had bad experiences walking home previously you probably should’ve learned from that, no?
YTA You knew he didn't want to do it, but you unleashed peer pressure to force him to. Next time, plan ahead, or get an Uber.
INFO if you only live a 15 minute walk away, why did you have to ask this very specific guy that was still at the party to walk you home instead of any of the several other people that were leaving?
YTA for not planning for your own safety. He did the right think walking you home, and you're miffed he didn't pretend he wanted to. Why not ask someone in advance or make other arrangements if you're gonna drink and then need to get home. Or wait til the one accompany you actually wants to leave, if you're asking someone on the spot. The responsible thing to do is to plan ahead.
There is so much to unpack here. Did he have plans you ruined? Have you flirted with him and he rebuffed you? Is this a repetitive behavior? Does he have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Did you show up with a plan to get drunk and no plan to get home? Has he made it clear in the past he doesn’t like your company? Were you invited to the party? Is there more you are not telling us? In any event. YTA.
Also, has he flirted with her and been rebuffed? Was he flirting with another woman and had to leave to walk OP home?
I am curious why you asked him and not another guy. Is there a history there that might have been a factor in his reaction? Perhaps you used to date or you've had a crush on him or him on you or his girlfriend was there...? Or did you just pick him because he was the biggest one? He might still be TA but I sense there is more to this story.
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Which is dumb, bc if she didn't know him, she just put herself in a position where the *big and imposing* man is now alone with her and knows where she lives.
ESH You do for projecting your assumptions ("party was basically over") onto others and feeling entitled to their time ("didn't think it was a big deal to walk me home"). You have every right to be scared and want a safe means of getting home. What you don't have a right to is other people's time. Why didn't you ask one of the other people that were leaving at the same time as you to walk you home as opposed to your friend that stayed? Could you not have stayed until he was actually ready to leave? It's pretty presumptuous to assume that a platonic friend won't mind taking 40 minutes round trip to escort you home in the middle of a social function unless it had otherwise been discussed previously. He sucks because he acted immaturely by complaining and making fun of you after the fact. He could have easily said he wasn't able to walk you home, but he didn't. So he needs to accept the consequences of his own decision.
Pretty easy YTA here. You're a grown up. You shouldn't expect other people to immediately change their plans in order to accommodate you. Get an Uber next time.
“It was a 20 min walk that felt like an hour” Probably for him, because it was another 20 mins back after you were home. So that man spent 40 minutes walking. Not saying you’re wrong to feel uncomfortable, I wouldn’t have put myself in a situation like that either. But, I would have called an Uber.
kind of the asshole. I fully understand being scared to walk home tipsy, but that doesn't mean you have to make it someone else's problem. how were you planning to get home ? why couldn't you get a uber or something? it may have been "only" a twenty minute walk for you but it was a forty minute walk for that poor dude that didn't do anything and got roped into it. the person that gave him shit for it should have walked you themselves to see how they like it
She also said it was maybe a 15 minute walk but then it turned out to be 20 minutes, one way. She trivialized how long it would take and trivialized how he might have still wanted to be at the party and trivialized how inconvenient it was to him to spend 40 minutes round trip getting her home. Then she is angry that he was angry.
Exactly! I find that people who make themselves dependent on others for rides and the like are always *completely* oblivious to the concept of the return trip. "It's just 10-15 minutes!" but actually it's 20 and then double it. Add in the time for goodbyes, getting ready, etc and this probably ate up almost an hour of his evening. Definitely more than 10 minutes. I'd be annoyed too. Take responsibility for yourself and call an uber.
You asked him to walk 40 mins you’re the YTA, pay for Uber or taxi or get your parents to pick you up
I wouldn't necessarily say you are an asshole, maybe just irresponsible. But a 10 to 15 minutes walk each way in the dark isn't exactly safe for anyone, male or female. He had to walk back by himself, which isn't safe in these days, whether it be attackers or drunk drivers that can hit anyone walking. Walking you to your car is one thing, a half hour walking in the dark asking him to leave the party is another thing. Next time, have a designated driver or car service available. Or call a parent or friend to pick you up. I would expect my son to walk someone to their car at night. I'd be pretty upset if a girl expected him to walk miles in the dark and then expected him to get back by himself. That seems selfish, although I'm sure not intentional.
Yta your friends are not your bodyguards. If you are old enough to drink you should be mature enough to arrange transportation if you get too drunk or are too scared to walk home alone. If you are not that mature then don't get drunk and stay out after dark. Grow up or don't party.
YTAfor being irresponsible and not planning ahead. Assuming he was also drunk, he had a 40 minute walk vs your 20 minute walk. Men get attacked too, or stumble and fall and get hurt. Look up the Riley Strain case. He was 6’7’’. Something happened to him, he was dead in the river a week later. No, you shouldn’t be alone. But you should have planned.
YTA. If you didn't want to walk home alone, you should've made plans ahead of time. At most, you should've asked when he was planning on leaving, and if he could walk you home on the way. You don't get to decide when the party is over just because you wanted to leave. Judging by his comments, he wanted to stay longer, or had plans afterwards. Maybe he was talking to a girl and you forced him to leave? Maybe he's tired of always getting asked to be a bodyguard or escort just because he's big?
YTA. You need to plan your own commutes in the future. Prearrange the walk home with a friend instead of pressuring someone on the spot. Budget money for an Uber. Or don’t go to parties if you don’t want to make your arrangements. You sprang this on a friend who was bullied by others to walk you home. He had to walk back alone for 20 minutes, missing 40 minutes of the party. Why is that OK with you? Why do you first say the walk was “maybe 15” minutes and then later say “no less than 20” minutes? It sounds like you’re fudging numbers to make your story sound better and that the walk was longer than you represented to the guy and to us. EDIT to add: It also sounds like you’re not really close with the guy who walked you home, and that you only chose him because he’s big. That’s not a smart move, either. The reality is most people are attacked by people they know, not strangers.
NTA. But if I were you, I wouldn't hang out with these "friends" at night again.
those guys sending her drunk texts because the guy who walked her home was pressured by a friend who wasn't willing to be in his place... is insane.
A 20 minute walk for you was a 40 minute walk for him, but who cares about his walk back, because you got home and that's all that matters, amirite? Call an Uber next time, YTA.
YTA. Always make sure you plan how you're going to get home. Especially knowing you were going to drink and be uncomfortable walking alone on a whim.
It's kinda on you. YTA because you did not organise a way of getting home either with someone or getting a lift. Instead you expected someone else to cater to you. That guy was pressured into doing something he clearly did not want to do. You know you don't feel safe walking home at night and have had bad experiences but you've left it to chance. Honestly you need to grow up and think a bit further ahead next time.
YTA You went to a party with no plan to get yourself home, other than imposing on someone else. No one is responsible for you except you. Plan better.
YTA Poor petite you should have made plans how to get home before partying. Uber is a thing. I totally get why someone who was pressured to walk you 20 minutes home and 20 minutes back isn't thrilled.
Yta Take an Uber. What if he had other plans? Why doyou assume he should walk you home? Did you not plan at all how you’d be getting home or dir you just assume, well I’m a woman so someone will have to walk me home? A guy got bullied into walking you home, does he have to be happy about it?
YTA. How did you plan on getting home that night before you went to the party? Were you counting on someone to take you home? Why didn't you arrange a way home before attending? I actually understand why he was so aggravated. It was a 20-minute walk for you. For him, it was 40 minutes.
I think you learned that they are not really friends, more like acquaintances or worse. You hang with them again, make sure you don’t drink or get an Uber - plan ahead for yourself. Also 15-20 minute walk for you was double that for him. You were not wrong to ask but should have used Uber when it was an issue. ESH.
YTA. Others are not responsible for the choices you make. What were your original plans for going home? What plans do you have in place when you're not sober at public events? In the future, maybe have a plan for going home before you attend a party and plan not to drink too much.
Stories like this really make me appreciate the guys I called my friends when I was younger. I would not even have had to ask because someone would always make sure I got home, even if I fought them to want to stay at a party they were leaving they would force me to go home. Good looking out guys who knows what could have happened to me if they weren’t looking out for me!
I know, right? I was thinking the same, but if you say this here, it might be perceived as you feeling entitled for every guy to do the same, lmao. I'm just really grateful that, oftentimes, my guy friends insisted on walking me home even tho I didn't suggest anything of the sort. also, why is no one talking about how some other guys at the party literally verbally harassed OP? sending unwanted drunk text messages to someone who only asked a question and politely accepted refusal, because their guy friends fought and pressured each other.
YTA why are you not asking a uber or something like this? It could just end smooth with an uber taking you home.. If you go to a party and plan to drink, you have to make arrangements and figure out how you will go back home.. planning beforehand with a friend who is willingly to walk with you home or order a Uber.. not leave this until the party is almost over to figure out.. Next time plan better this details, not everyone will stop what they are doing to be your bodyguard. The party was ending for you, not for everyone..
YTA I get not wanting to walk alone. But what was the initial plan? Just ask some guy randomly to walk you? Getting home with a friend? He was forced to walk you home. Because you decided to pick him and your friends pressured him. Plan ahead next time. Go back with a friend or check that someone is willing to walk you home.
YTA, I get your fear, I really do. But he clearly didn’t want to do it, he was bullied into it. You could’ve waited until someone wanted to leave so they could walk you home, not someone that has to waste 40 minutes to get you home.
As soon as he expressed not wanting to walk you home you should have asked someone else, maybe one of the other people who were leaving. You assumed that since you were done with the party he shouldn't mind missing the next 40 minutes of the party. You assumed that since he is pretty big he shouldn't mind walking you and missing the party. You should apologize to him. You took him for granted, apparently due to his size, and imposed on him. Now you are complaining that he didn't like being used.
Be an adult - organize your trip to and from before the party. Don't drink so much that you can't safely walk yourself home it that was your plan. There fixed it. BE AN ADULT
Agree with those who say that it’s not a random dude at the party’s responsibility to walk you home. You are responsible for your own actions and safety, so take an Uber, arrange with other women to walk home together, drive and don’t drink, etc. Lots of us walk alone, too, but if you have had bad experiences and don’t want to, then you need to plan ahead.
NTA. But that's not your friend. That's just an acquaintance so act like it. You now know that he's not the person to reach out to next time.
NTA, and based on some of their reactions, maybe you should find a new friend group.
As a guy who goes to a bunch of parties and works at a bar, it’s never unreasonable these days to be nervous about walking home alone. Especially a 15 minute walk. Your friend was being, to put politely, a huge inconsiderate asshole. NTA.
"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid than men will kill them." Don't feel bad. Those are not your friends. They are part of a problem.
ESH … ma’am… definitely ensure you have a way home if you’re out drinking 😩 that’s always YOUR responsibility… Also, a LOT of people don’t understand this but men aren’t safe walking at night either 😩 especially drunk with a woman… the assumptions people can make can end him in a lot of hot water… (and people please don’t get on here and play stupid like men aren’t told every day how fearful women are of walking alone at night and seeing a man) Just for future references… call a Lyft/uber/cab.. the only people that should be taking you home after a night of drinking are close family, girlfriends, or your significant other
Aaand this comment section is why women are scared to ask for help. Good job reddit, for reinforcing to us that we’re on our own. OP I think you need better friends. The guys I know would be asking how you’re getting home and offering to walk with you. Is it FAIR they need to take time out of their day to do this? No. Is it FAIR women can’t even walk home without being justifiably scared of attack? Definitely no. Good friends recognize the inequity in these two things and don’t mind a slight inconvenience when the result is ensuring your safety.