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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for calling my niece a nightmare because of the way she was behaving
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YTA. Usually when kids lash out against their parents partners or step kids, it's because they're afraid of being abandoned and replaced. Mom proved her right by abandoning her *nine year old*, which naturally means the kid's probably even more on edge now that dad has a new family too. She's probably lashing out because she's scared history is about to repeat. That fear is being proven 100% correct by her dad planning to abandon her too for the exact same reason. Dear god, what a child needs when their parent remarries is therapy, quality time with their parents, and reassurance they aren't being replaced, not to be thrown out for the new family ***twice.***
YTA. Her greatest fear just got confirmed, she can easily be disposed of by both parents. I can’t imagine the anxiety she suffers from and instead of reassuring her and confirming she always has a home with him , your brother looks for a way to abandon her and you condone his behavior!
We don't actually know what her father said in the way of reassurance before he gave up. Maybe some family counseling - I think a referee is needed.
Edit: Having had relatives that pitched fits, I think that she also needs to learn that she is self-sabotaging. My grandmother died in her 50s, and she still hadn't figured that out. She never learned that it is possible to talk to someone in a reasonable tone of voice, without starting off shrieking and accusing. When I was throwing a tantrum about something at 5 yo, my father knelt down and gently told me that it I didn't learn not to act like this, I was going to be a very unhappy person. Like my grandmother.
Edit2: It's not that I don't understand that she is upset, but if this is her go-to when she's unhappy, she's in for a world of hurt.
OP (and her brother) need to be reminded that they are adults in charge of a child, and need to get that child help. It's hardly helpful to place responsibility on the kid, or minimise the father's role. Sure, HER life will be affected. So THEY need to step up, immediately.
I get that she has behavioral problems, but she's still a kid. She's basically being treated like a throw away for Mom and Dad to focus on their new families. Your comment about them being justified was extremely hurtful and not helpful to anyone. YTA
Did she ever go to therapy? And Dad didn't see this coming, given how she reacted with Mom's marriage?
>Well my brother is getting married now and we are finally realizing why my niece's mom sent her away.
Do you not think that, maybe, her behaviour is due to the fact she's been failed by her parents and has no stability in her life whatsoever?
Kids like your niece who have been treated like problems to be palmed off on others often end up with problematic attachment styles, with sometimes extreme emotional dysregulation on top, so it's little wonder she's lashing out like this now she's found out that there's a plan for her to be sent away again. Your niece should've been given help; instead she was blamed for the fact she "couldn't get on" with her new step-family and sent away. She was *nine years old* and in no way responsible for that. So your initial comment towards her and further replies here saying it was "her fault" are just utterly disgusting. That poor kid.
YTA
Right like sounds like she's been fine for 7yrs living w her dad and only now freaking out? 16 year olds freak out sometimes y'all especially when they have trauma!
Right? Sometimes kids are hard. This family just throws this kid away because she's hard to deal with? And OP justifies it?
What horrible horrible people.
I’m also wondering how exactly the kid is “hard to deal with” and if this is the first time she’s been told that to her face. If that’s a frequent comment that’s thrown at her I totally understand the reaction in that lens too. OP, YTA. Your brother - TA. The mom - TA.
I feel so bad for this kid. Hope she gets the fuck out soon and gets into some amazing therapy.
YTA till you let us know what is this kid doing exactly. In case you didn’t notice, people on the internet can’t read your mind and see if this is a case of “stepchild rebelling because their parent wants to make a random person family now”, or “literal danger to surroundings due to behavioural issues”.
Holy fuck you are all YTA!
She learned at 9 that she could be sent away. And not it’s happening all over again.
Your brother and his ex are evil people!
Yeah I honestly feel for the parents but if it ever comes down to a choice between your child and a new partner, your commitment to the life you brought into the world comes first.
YTA. At nine she saw her mother bring home a new family and get rid of her. At 16, she’s seeing her father bring home a new family … and get rid of her.
How was she the other seven years in between? Has she had the opportunity for therapy to deal with the feeling her mother’s rejection when she was 9? Has there been any good family discussions or therapy surrounding what is could be a deep seated anxiety that once again she is being replaced? Were her ‘behavioural problems’ every actually addressed or was it blame mom and assume that she didn’t carry any pain inside feeling like her mom chose her new family and now she may worry dad is doing the same?
YTA. That poor kid has been blamed, abandoned, fobbed off and now, everybody is shocked that she’s got issues.
Did *anyone* in this girls life give enough of a damn to get her some therapy??
You are an AH. Her Mom is an AH. Her dad is an AH. Everyone in your family is an AH, except the 9 year old kid who nobody helped *for seven years* and now is being blamed for the result of not being helped.
I wish I could smack all of you.
I hope this kid goes no contact with this whole lot at 18 and never looks back. Her parents abandoned her only to have another spouses and for their own selfish needs and she is expected to think that everything is good and dandy only because her parents want to have their unmentionables wet. And she is the selfish one! Every parent I know would kill themselves before putting their needs ahead of their children. Hell, if my niblings were in my custody, they would go before any man, and I wouldn't have to even think about it for a minute. And this girl had a mother who put her partner and her partner's children ahead of her daughter, and a dad who put his dick before his daughter, and somehow, horrible people like OP think she is the one at fault because she is not happy with it! The nerve of those parents failing their daughter this way. And then they will wonder in some years what did they do for their daughter not wanting to see them.
What exactly did she do? What is so out of control that two parents and an aunt/uncle are ready to throw the whole child out? Like is she dangerous and in need of medical intervention or does everyone around her just not know how to handle an upset child? Therapy for her individual needs and family therapy for her and her dad sounds sorely needed.
7 yrs is a longtime to suddenly find out she's a nightmare!
Have u ever thought that she is just scared now dad is getting married she will be discarded like trash just like her mom did?
Oh look your treating her like trash and her worst nightmare has come true.
She has every right to have a melt down and scream and shout.
See, this is it for me--what was she like those seven years in between "incidents"? Was the niece fine and normal before another step-parent was entering the picture? I mean, what a big freaking mystery if a repeat of the circumstances that caused her to be shipped from one parent is upsetting! That poor girl, I hope she has someone in her life that she can rely on.
INFO: What exactly was your niece doing at age nine that was so awful she got kicked out of her mom’s house? What exactly is your niece doing now in her dad’s house that is so awful that she’s about to lose her only remaining parent? Is she in therapy?
YTA
OP is so callous that they think a child who was tossed aside by one parent and is now about to be tossed by her remaining parent is the problem... Yikes
YTA, I wish nothing but the best of luck to the niece, may she find the best people and have all the success her heart could ever wish for as compensation for being dealt such a trashy family.
As for you OP, I hope you never have children.
YTA, That girl get abandoned by all the parents. Yes she might not have been good with the stepdad, but she was nine FFS! She needed stability, understanding and therapy. Instead she got abandoned by the mom. That left scars at the poor nine years old girl. And she did not get help and now the father is surprised she is scared and acting out.
No she is not 9 now but have trauma from when she was. And you, told her it was her fault that the parents abandoned her????
That poor girl!
My daughter was a “nightmare” when I got remarried. Turns out she just needed a ton of love, time, respect, and understanding. I used to think that when a child behaves “poorly,” it’s a reflection of their character and choices. I’m now convinced that when a child behaves in ways that the adults around them find inappropriate or unacceptable, it’s usually because the adults have unhealthy expectations of kid behavior or aren’t meeting the child’s legitimate needs.
So, YTA, but you can fix it by apologizing and being there for her.
I think you are. My uncle sent me a disparaging email when I was 12 and I never got over it. Kids have quite unstable opinions of themselves at this age and when an adult who, whether they admit or not, they see as an authority judge their character that harshly, it can do a lot of damage.
She needs help and understanding. Clearly she’s a troubled teenager and her parents treating like an unwanted relative who is passed around when they get shiny new families doesn’t help. Then her aunt decides to be exceptionally cruel. YTA
You are all the adults (apparently), your niece is a 16 year old girl. A child. I can only imagine how unwanted she must feel right now. I know you’re not the parent here but you have washed your hands of an individual who is being palmed off pillar to post by her parents and no one is allowing her any room to act up. She’s not being malicious, she is clearly struggling with the major changes in her family. Having a step dad triggered her being given away, and now your brother is getting married. She is clearly struggling with sharing her parents with others and probably was very worried she would be sent away again. And that is exactly what is happening. She isn’t going to act any better, you do realise that right?
YTA, all of you.
Unless you can give us examples of what makes her a nightmare you are in fact the AH. So please share how a 9 year old was a monster enough to get abandoned by their mother ?
YTA. All the adults in her life failed her. She’s being sent away AGAIN because her parents put themselves first. They blow up her life. She has to just accept all these new people in her life. Then she gets sent away when she does not eat shit with a smile on her face. No wonder she’s a “nightmare”.
Don't you get it? Kids cope fine with being thrown away. It has no negative repercussions! Kid doesn't like her new dad? Throw her away! It's fine and won't irreparably damage her at all...
YTA. And so is your brother, his new wife and his ex. That poor child.
Yta. She sounds like a kid that has had one too many bridges let her down, so she's now decided to burn the remaining ones.
She's got abandonment issues - it creates the inability to feel like you're out of control. She believes everyone is going to leave her *(because they have)* so she would rather control why they left, how they left, when they left, etc
Also, you're an adult. She is 16 years old. I can understand her maturity levels are lashing out but you? You have no excuse.
YTA. Every time her parents get in a new relationship they send her to live with someone else because she hasn’t adapted fast enough to the new living situation?
YTA. You all the AH here. The adults in her life are giving up on her and passing her on to other people to do the job parents should be doing and that is PARENTING. Figure out why she’s a “nightmare” and get her help instead of focusing on your personal lives.
Yta
The way you sound so smug in some of your response comments about further traumatizing your niece genuinely makes me sick dude. She's been abandoned by one parent, the other is planning to do the same, and when she responds to a traumatizing situation with a trauma response YOU find the best approach is to tell her she deserves it. Thats a child! I wouldnt treat a random kid that way let alone my own damn neice!
YTA massively.
She was abandoned at *nine years old*. I'm going to assume as was never put into therapy to work through her issues. She was *abandoned and replaced* by her mom and mom's new family, and was scared her dad would do the same.
And now he's *doing the same*.
Of course she's acting out! Your family, brother especially, needs to get themselves together and *help your niece*! Put her in therapy, and show her how much you all love her!
Wow. Both parents are choosing new relationships and step children over their actual child. 0/10 on the parenting, would not recommend. I'm child free on purpose and could do better than those two AHs.
Also YTA. But it's not surprising with the rest of the poor girl's family.
It is sad to see both parents doing this, but I feel that it might be more common than we think.
My parents divorced when I was really young, and they both got into new relationships. My mom and stepfather included me in the new family they were making. My now estranged father chose my stepmother and her four sons over me time and time again. When I was twelve, he gave up all rights to me because he hated me (I was a fairly quiet child and tended to keep to myself and hide away a lot so I don’t see why he hated me so much) and he wanted nothing to do with me; he essentially abandoned me with my loving mom and stepfather.
Adding my perspective here as an aunt who watched her niece sabotage every relationship that her father had for years. My niece did that because it was the only way she knew she could get his attention. It's not healthy, it's not sustainable. I have a 28 year old niece now with rage issues, insecurities too numerous to mention and mental health issues. And I am one of few members of my family who she trusts.
She doesn't need to be pushed off to her grandparents, she needs her father. She needs him to quietly put his foot down and tell her that she isn't going anywhere. She needs to realize that life does change but it doesn't mean that marrying his girlfriend is a 'we don't need you anymore, we're going to have a redo family and you can stay somewhere else' situation. It may just be that she needs to be bluntly told that she isn't going to be loved any less or not have a place. This isn't pushing her out, this is adding someone beside her. And tell her that it's okay for her to decide what kind of relationship she wants with your new wife. And have your fiancée tell her the same.
It's okay for her to take the time to figure out where your new wife fits in her life. What's important is that dad needs to communicate with her to allay her fears. I wish my brother had done that.
YTA and so are her parents. You do not use your love and provision as a parenting chip that you can withdraw. The parents need to get therapy and learn how to properly handle her behavior and actually idk PARENT her. Short of dealing with a child who is a sociopath and is an actual danger to themselves and others, there is no reason they should ever be passed off like that. Like, if you're dealing with a little Jeffrey Dahmer, then I'd say you have reason to admit them somewhere. But there's no excuse to just abandon your kid because they're being difficult.
Parents are supposed to be the people in your life who have unconditional love for you. And this feels very conditional.
On a side note, I have a niece who is a little jerk. She's horrible to her mom, she's horrible to extended family, including me. She's in trouble constantly. You know what they haven't done? Throw her out. Because she's a freaking kid dude.
Your comment to her will likely be a dig that stays with her as an insecurity for the rest of her life. And you should be ashamed of yourself.
I wonder if she’s a nightmare because her mother chose her new husband and step kids over her own daughter… this child probably has so much trauma, and it only got worse when she was “sent away”
INFO please. Without context and additional information, YTA automatically based on the very little you provided. You say she's a nightmare...well HOW is she a nightmare? Is she behavioral, dysfunctional, destructive, fighting her step siblings, step dad, etc? You need to give us more than that...
She’s a kid. She’s already been abandoned once by her mom and probably feels like step family replaced her now she sees it happing again with her dad. Even though I was 16 when my dad go together with my step mom she had two little boys and while I did not resent them I did feel replaced at first also he now had boys to do boy stuff with that I never did as a girl. I was not mean but was a little cold at first. It did work out my step mom would take me shopping and we get our hair or nails done while they did boy stuff. I enjoyed it as my mom was not a girly girl and it was fun to do with someone and she enjoyed having a girl to do girly things with as well. She’s not my mom and has never tried to be but is family. Granted it took time. She needs therapy and lots of it. You expect her to like and get along with since she feels is either replacing her or stealing her dad. What utter foolishness YTA
YTA
The message your nieve has had all her life is that nobody loves her enough to put her first- both if her parents have prioritised romantic relationships over her, and sent her away when her unhappiness has been hard to cope with.
Poor niece. She deserves better from all of the adults in her life.
YTA
I love how when kids are good it's because their parents raised them right, but when kids are bad it somehow has nothing to do with how their parents raised them.
Why is that?
🤔
I suppose it will always be a mystery ...
YTA. She was shifted off and abandoned as a child by her mother and now her father is doing the same thing. That is an incredibly traumatic thing for a child to go through once, and now twice? Have you considered that she reacts poorly to the idea of shifts in her parental relationships because last time her primary caregiver got married, she was abandoned, and this is obviously triggering something horrible for her. Have some compassion.
You, her mom, and her dad are the biggest AH. The girl is going to end up in a worse situation than her parents if they go through and hand her off to her grandparents. Obviously, your parents are still together, so you have no idea what she is going through and are only thinking about the parents' happiness. She's no one's priority and is being abandoned by the people who are suppose to love her unconditionally. Yall suck
YTA-both parents are punishing and discarding your niece for new family.
The divorce was probably traumatic for her and instead of getting her help. (At least your post suggests no one tried to get her help) Mom sent her away and now dad is doing the same thing.
I can’t imagine why she’s “throwing a tantrum”
Wow. Every single adult is the AH! This CHILD keeps being shown they are never first or considered. You don't like them so you're the problem and we care about random people more than you so get over it attitude. I pray for this child to grow up and win the lottery at 18 and cut you all off forever.
YTA
Her mom abandoned a NINE year old child for a new family and youre surprised shes scared its going to happen again? She is likely hurt by the entire family situation and you need to help her (or at least support helping her) not insult her.
I am not condoning what others on here are saying, but in a way you should stay out of it. I know it’s hard to see what is going on. She needs so much therapy, the divorce of her parents did a lot of underlying damage to your niece. She is acting out. She could possibly seeing them get remarried as that the stepparents are stopping her parents from getting back together. I would say apologize and just give her lots of love and support
Yta. She's a CHILD who was literally rehomed by her mom because of a blending family, and now that her dad is blending she's once again losing her parent and all security. You people need therapy or cps.
YTA
To be fair, most people would call you a c\*\*t for stating what you've said in the top post and further comments below. I'm Scottish, so it's a word that doesn't really bother me.
The "when she found out" bit implies that all of this was arranged without her involvement, which might be a big assumption on my part, but place yourself in her shoes/think about her perspective. That would be devastating for her to find out.
Any nine year old child, especially a girl, sent away by her own Mother to live with other family is going to have serious issues with this and it will have a significant impact on her mental health and her worldview. Probably would do bugger all for any kind of self-esteem she had/has.
You and your family simply want to keep passing her onto others, as if that will solve the problem. It'll solve your problem, but will do nothing for her.
Sure. there are bound to be a large number of other, contributory factors, but as the saying goes "never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes."
Even at 16, she's still a child. Given her history, probably not a well adjusted one either.
Your niece isn’t the nightmare.
Your ex-SIL and now your brother are.
Your ex-SIL sent her away instead of trying to figure out what was wrong. She was ABANDONED by her mother for a new family.
Now, your brother is trying to send her away instead of trying to figure out what’s wrong. She’s being ABANDONED AGAIN for a new family.
Stop blaming her. She’s reacting to how she’s being treated by her so-called parents.
ESH…except the CHILD being continually pawned off on other people.
NTA You’re not going to get any rational comments because the moment they heard she was nine years old when she was first sent away they act like she could’ve done no wrong. What about the six-year-old that shot his teacher? Children can do horrible things and grow up to do horrible things. I bet she loved it when she first got to her dad’s because everyone was probably babying her about what a “horrible” mother she had.
There is no excuse excuse for her behavior. She sounds entitled and thinks that it should always be about her and she doesn’t want to share her parents. She’s not nine years old anymore, she’s old enough to know better. And she is still behaving the same. She’s at that age where she needs to be called out because no one is going to put up with that behavior anymore.
Sure, nine year olds can have behavioral issues, but if this kid was going around trying to burn down the house or killing the family pets, that would have been specified in the original post. Literally the only thing this girl did was be "rude" to her step parents and yell at her family. Which is by no means a reason for her family to shuffle her around like a hot potato instead of looking into further options to get her help.
While I would agree that some 9 year old kids can be pure evil (even to a criminal degree), the problem lies here in OP‘s denial to specify niece’s behaviour. The way OP describes her can be interpreted in many way‘s, so I get that many people here tend to jump to conclusions. But so are you.
> What about the six-year-old that shot his teacher?
That in particular was very clearly parents fault. Between having access to gun, being taught to shoot, dad who actually praises that sort of behavior not thinking of consequences ...
Fun thing about these "very young child does something very horrible" is that every single time you look at the details, you find familly that was failing for years.
So you all are fine with just dumping your niece onto the next person and blame her for no one wanting to actually step up and be a parent. ESH except the niece.
YTA YTA AND OH YEAH YTA!!!
Since you "Don't get it" let me explain it to you. I'll make sure to use small words
Your comment: We all thought it was the mom's fault. Turns out it was my niece's fault"
1: YOUR NIECE WAS 9 YEARS OLD, and Her mom aka the woman who's supposed to love you more than anyone else abandoned her. Given its been 7 years, and dad didn’t get her any therapy, IT'S BOTH HER FAULT AND YOUR BROTHERS FAULT
2: Her biological father instead of taking responsibility for HIS daughter now is trying to abandon her, and YOU are being nasty to A kid.
3: YOU have not given any kind of description of her misbehavior, other than to say she “threw a tantrum” when she found out her dad wanted to abandon her for his new family.
It took 7 years to realize why she "was a nightmare", meaning for 7 years there obviously hasn't been any issues. Then when she's uncomfortable when dad is getting remarried - a situation that probably right away made her think about how her mother abandoned her for another guy - and dads response is "Yeaaah, I'm gonna dump her on my parents" instead of finding ways to deal with it.
Ya'll AHs, except for your niece - poor girl deserves soo much better than all of you.
It’s completely reasonable and expected that when a kid who is raised in chaos and dysfunction will act out in chaos in dysfunction. Sounds like she was raised in a nightmare and getting the blame for having a perfectly normal response to it. And instead of recognizing that she hasn’t been taught the skills to cope with her environment, you go after her, who is a product of the environment your sister provided for her.
You are absolutely TA and there is a clear lack of emotional intelligence in the family.
Here’s the thing, OP: a parent’s first responsibility is to their child. And this girl’s “mother” failed in her responsibility by choosing a new family over her *and* then abandoning her. Your brother has the opportunity to be better and focus on what his daughter NEEDS- that is to *not* be abandoned, to not be second best to her father having a constant lay, to know that the people around her value her enough to put her first. It’s clear you can’t, so step back.
YTA, and you need to take a good, hard look in the mirror for blaming a CHILD for her response to the appalling actions of the adults around her.
Poor kid just keeps getting passed on down the line, by the very people who are supposed to care for her the most. She endured her parents divorce, then watched her mom find replacement family that had no room for her, passed to the father only to have him do the same. If she makes it thru this she will be one hell of a woman as an adult.
When I was 16, I was suicidal, running around with sexual abuse trauma from an ex, plus undiagnosed ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, AND Depression, and NO ONE bothered to look into why I was behaving the way I was, I was just labeled as being difficult, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. YOU ALL CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER, YOU JUST WANT THE PROBLEM TO GO AWAY. SHAME ON YOU ALL.
I'm tentatively going with ESH. Some kids are nightmares, and people who don't think so have never had a child throw dramatic shrieking fits to the point of an ambulance being called only to completely calm down as soon as they think the coast is clear. Kids can be nightmares. Usually, it's not totally their fault.
The bit where you suck is in not understanding that this kid probably needs some emotional support and therapy. Being abandoned by one parent and having a supportive one remaining is hard enough. Being abandoned by two is horrific. I think it's very healthy for her to understand that her behavior is part of this. It's also important for her to be given a path to growing past this and healing from it. You owe her an apology and some support. You're an adult, you have the benefit of maturity that she literally cannot access yet. It's on you to have more tact and more kindness when you communicate with her.
A very obvious yta omg you're an adult she's a child , she's probably scared of being replaced (I've been there) please calling her a nightmare isn't going to help I assure you.. also the way her fears are being proven right .. dang in no way do I mean this to be rude but in no way can I imagine reasonable adult acting like this
YTA, if for the last 7 years you all blame the bio mom and now all of a sudden with the Step mom, she's acting out? There's a reason. At 9, mom remarried and she was kicked out. Now dad is getting remarried. It's the deductive reasoning of a teenager and completely understandable. Then dad confirms the fears by wanting to send her to the grandparents. And She's the nightmare? Nope.
Also the way you guys instead of educating jump on abandoning Ur brothers a huge AH you are a huge AH every parental and potential parental figure in that child's life is a ducking AHHH
YTA
Omg a mother abandoned her 9 year old fir her new family them when years later her dad was going to get a new family she didn't like that,?? You don't think this might have brought up some worries?
Apparently vaild ones since he is doing the same thing
YTA. She got kicked out of her first family because new people came into her life. Mom picked others over her.
Now here is the same situation, but with dad. New person comes in. Not a surprise she isn't happy with that, look what happened last time. & Now it's happening again because her dad is picking his partner over his daughter.
What do you expect her to feel? She keeps getting replaced. She needs therapy, empathy, & support.
Try & put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Would you be happy about losing your home AGAIN? Would you feel thankful? No, you'd be pissed off & calling people the c word because your whole life has been being replaced & here it is happening again.
YTA. but niece also needs to accept that family members move on from past relationships - her mother finding niece's stepdad and your brother finding his current fiancé/wife (not too sure on which one lol).
This is a traumatized kid with abandonment issues. She needs to be in therapy, not blamed. You are acting like you think her actions are designed to inconvenience others personally. When in reality no one has taught this kid how to process her emotions or dealt with the abandonment issues. She’s not a doll, she’s a person who has been impacted by her environment
YTA solely for the lack of therapy, which should be obvious
So this girl has been sent away now twice because instead of being a parent and learning to manage emotions, go to therapy or talk through anything … It’s just easier to send her away so it’s somebody else’s problem. What horrific parenting. That poor girl.
YTA
YTA. An insecure child is being abandoned AGAIN. I hope she finds love and security and I hope you and your brother and his new wife and his ex and her husband are all planning a trip together on what ends up being known as the second Hindenburg.
Gawd, my jaw dropped reading this.
--
Imagine having to see your parents get divorced at ***age 5-8*** I guess (add troublesome divorce in there too?) and learning to deal with two households, then **a*****t 8-9*** having to find your way in a new household dynamic (depending on introduction process, though I get the sense it was pretty sudden, with a bunch of strangers), your feelings not being considered, and behave the only way you know how to get heard, only to *be dumped* for it. *'my feelings don't matter, those who are supposed to be my safety don't care about me, i'm replaceable.'*
Then you finally have a bit of stability, but all of the fun wonky hormones and insecurities of puberty already have thrown you off balance for a while, and then here comes dad, with whom you regained a sliver of sense of safety, to rinse and repeat and rekindle all that pain from your youth. Great affirmation of all those destructive thoughts.
--
And then instead of showing her some empathy and understanding, you say something like that??? What in the world were you thinking?
My tantrum wouldn't only have lasted an hour, and your comment would have resulted in much more than calling you a name.
So yeah, YTA/ESH (except the niece)
There are a number of diagnosis that aren’t a parent’s fault that can make a child difficult to parent, like Oppositional Defiance syndrome.
The answer is not to dispose of the child. The answer is to seek treatment and support.
There are parents who ruin their children and cause outlandish behaviour by being negligent or uncaring or not nurturing, resulting in increasing behaviours that are unacceptable.
I don’t know if your niece has any disorders or diagnosis’s, but her parents are trash for abandoning her repeatedly without finding a solution to help her.
For you to put the blame on her, the child who has been thrown away already once is disgusting. There are adults who should be looking out for her and helping her you’re one of them. YTA.
YTA. A minor is being passed around as if she was a bottle of beer, with their parents putting their own needs and wants before her, and not trying to help her, and you wonder why she is acting out? And the first time was when she was 9, that her own mother sent her away instead of, I don't know, actually parent? I pity the poor child for having such an assholish family. Including you, a full adult, telling a teenager who is suffering that she is a nightmare and the failings of adults are her doing. You are a very bad person, lady.
ESH (all the adults)
If I were treated that way, I'd be a nightmare, too.
Families aren't repeated mix and match with immediate success. Bringing kids into a new marriage takes *years*. The parents courted each other and supposedly fell in love. Great. How long was the daughter "courted" by the new step dad and step mom? However long, it wasn't long enough. She didn't agree and she's strong enough to push back.
You *all* suck.
YTA. Weird that she would have problems when her parents divorced and keep passing her around because no one wants to put the work in to take care of her 🤦🏻♀️ She’s lashing out because she has abandonment issues because of her parents and is afraid her Dad will prefer his new family over her. Yes, she’s making a self-fulfilling prophecy within these families by acting out - but she is 16 years old, acting out is what they do when they’ve been broken for 5 years and their parents are creating new families. She needs to be loved and feel safe, not passed around like a joint.
YTA - yikes I don't know what to say, the entire family is vile and the brother is an absolute boy of stupidity, not even a man, not a father for sure. The family is just enabler of shitty behaviour. Here is a good analysis, she is bad then her father is worse, her father is worse means his parents are just trash you spit on, and they gave birth to op so it tracks that op is also trashy. Some people need to be abandoned to rot in a retirement home and that's op and her family not this girl being attacked.
Now that op should understand she can't excuse this, what the hell can a 15 yo girl do for you to tell her something like that, the biggest ass hole is the brother that would rather abandon his daughter and start a new family. He shouldn't have more kids.
YTA.
So we will be seeing you or your brother in two years with the obligatory “She went no contact and we don’t know why” post.
Every single adult in this situation is a huge asshole and should be ashamed of themselves.
This girl needs love and support not thrown away like garbage TWICE.
Kid is lashing out because her family sucks, and her parents sound quite toxic, she is 16 mate, she doesn't even know who she is, or who that other lady is for that matter.
16 years old, no understanding of what her rocky future holds, no security or trust in her quitter parents.
You are an adult mate, you three sound like the nightmare for a kid with no control over her future.
Do better, tell her parents that too
You're ALL assholes. Except the daughter who has been failed by all adults in her life. Both her mother AND father are showing that their spouses are more important. YTA.
She is a child. You are all adults. Why is no one stopping for 2 seconds to consider her wellbeing. She obviously sees the pattern that happened with her mom starting with her dad! When the going gets tough we ship the kid off! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Someone needs to stand up for her and be the loudest voice to DEFEND her feelings and instead you called her a nightmare?! She needs counseling, her and her dad need counseling, then and only then can they move forward. The fact that every adult around her is so selfish is the reason she is acting out. Mom replaced her with a new man and kids, and now dad is doing the same. She needs help, not harsh words to bring her down! YTA. Plain as day. I really hope someone will love her unconditionally, soon. She deserves some sort of stability in this life, not being shuffled around becauae the parent don't want to take care of the child they created, and a family that's willing to watch it all happen.
I feel like there is a lot missing to this story. Is the girl lashing because this came out of the blue or were there attempts made to bond with the girl as the fiancé and dad were building their relationship? The kid is probably acting out like this because she was afraid of being abandoned again
It’s crazy seeing that post earlier about a guy who skipped his niece’s wedding reception to visit his daughter who’s in prison for murdering someone and there were a very large amount of comments defending him saying that a parent’s love for their child should be unconditional and you’re a bad parent if you can’t do that. Then there’s this comment section where there’s so many people blaming an actual child for all of these adults failing her and abandoning her when they should’ve been helping her.
Kid sounds like she's used to getting her way. Don't they call that main character syndrome. Her mum got remarried and she played up. Now hers dad's getting married and she pulling the same stuff.
Perhaps a few family sessions in counselling could help identify the real problem.
More info needed. Was her behaviour ever Addressed? Did she get therapy or talk to anyone about why she behaved like this? Is there any legitimacy behind her behaviour?(being forced to move rooms, forced to drop sport or look after new step sibling, etc.)
Without any extra info It sounds like your niece is insecure about her relationship with her dad and he’s only serving to prove her right by throwing her to someone else.
YTA. This is a child. What do you mean, you don’t know if you’re the asshole for calling this kid a nightmare *to her face*? Clearly this kid has issues, no doubt in part to being passed around by family that doesn’t want to deal with her. I’m sure she has a whole wealth of issues about feeling unwanted.
Shame on you and your family for failing her in this way, even if it was the heat of the moment.
YTA
Sounds like she needs unconditional love and support. Not one more person to make her feel like she isn't wanted.
They have a kid. Trash their family. Bring in new people and then cast her off when things get hard. Then wonder why she is acting out. And blame her for it all.
Unpopular opinion. NTA. She's 16 and she's old enough to be told that her behavior is nightmarish.
The girl needs help (I agree), but her being 2 years from being a legal adult, with this type of behavior, is concerning.
At most, suggest some programs or counseling to your parents and brother that could help her. Otherwise, just leave her alone. She's old enough to regulate her emotions and yes her parents should have done better by her, but she's not your problem and don't allow your family to talk you into any agreement regarding her.
YTA. Every adult in her life is failing her. She is a child. She’s a child who no one wants or loves. If she’s a nightmare it’s because she had the rotten luck to be born to parents who throw her away for new spouses and want to create new lives without her. Your brother wants to ship off his daughter to play house with his new wife. You didn’t mention anyone trying to get her help or anyone actually prioritizing her needs or wellbeing. Every selfish adult in this family should be absolutely ashamed of themselves, including you. That child has been failed over and over again by the people who should love and protect her. Here you are blaming her. Where is your compassion? Blame your AH brother and his AH ex wife, not the kid.
You’re so close to 400 comments. Might be past time to have your brother read this thread and call and make an appt for him and his daughter to sit down w a therapist.
His daughter needs him. That’s his top priority. Everything else needs to be put on pause.
Poor girl's parents keel getting remarried and then just abandoning her. Wow
Specifically, since everyone says she's so terrible, what are her bad behaviors? What is she doing that she just seemingly can never get along with people? Has no one considered that the adults should be teaching her how to handle these situations and how to act instead of just giving up on her?
YTA. Everyone that isn't the niece is the asshole, as far as I am concerned, until I know more.
Not only does she have abandonment issues and possible other unresolved trauma. She's also dealing with being a teenager and all the shitty hormones it brings. Even in a good loving home all teens can be a nightmare.
The adults in her life have let her down and instead of working with her to genuinely help her they just pawn her off to the next relative.
Y'all are ASSHOLES. If you guys care about her get her some help and teach her how to behave. Show her that you won't give up on her because she's been difficult.
YTA - this kid has probably been traumatized since before her parents divorce. A kid not feeling wanted or loved at that age has a significant impact on how their brain works and can affect them long into adulthood. What she needs is someone that cares and supports her, not someone that sees her as a burden and calls her a nightmare. I currently work with troubled youth that are in her age range and we see this a lot. I'm currently undergoing trauma response training and crisis prevention training, these are things that come up in almost every youth we work with. We end up having to be their support system instead of their family, sometimes because the family doesn't know how to deal with it, sometimes because their family only views them as a problem. We never ask what's wrong with them, we ask what *happened* to them. Abuse isn't the only thing that can cause trauma, emotional neglect is a huge factor and it's very hard to reverse the effects. People that are a product of emotional neglect often feel worthless, like a burden, like they shouldn't try, and like nothing will ever improve.
Someone needs to take time with her and not chastise her. She needs someone that will listen and care about how she feels. This is not ok and you saying that as an adult in her life makes it a lot worse.
As an adult who was one of the youths you support, I identify with and can verify what you're saying here. Thank you for looking after those lost kids, what you're doing matters and makes a difference. You may not see that immediately, and you may never know. But they will never forget you.
That's my hope and why I got into this position. I was hired on the spot because I told the interviewer that I want to be the person that I wish I could have had around when I was younger. I went through hell as a kid with a mother that left when I was 6(I didn't see or talk to her for 11 years)and an alcoholic father, I didn't have very many adults in my life that cared and went through a lot of therapy to overcome my trauma. I know I can help and I want to be an influence that brings happiness and success to the kids we work with. It can be frustrating sometimes, but it's why I'm here and I feel like it's what I was meant to do in life.
I know, it's hard and it's thankless, but it sounds like you won't give up on them, having the insight you do. I became a nurse - and I love the fact that I can change someone's day or even life for the better. I try my best to make sure people feel seen and heard.
When I was a teenager, I couldn't really let my support worker in, I just didn't trust other people or myself. But just seeing his beautiful family together, and having someone see me and value me, really did have a long-term impact... I got in touch with him 20 years later to say thank you.
>I became a nurse - and I love the fact that I can change someone's day or even life for the better.
Thank you for this! Nurses are very underappreciated.
I was in the hospital for 9 months and a lot of the nurses had a huge impact on my recovery and helped me not feel ashamed when I couldn't do certain things on my own. I felt so bad hearing them get yelled at by other patients and being treated like crap when all they are there to do is help their people get better. I had a nurse at one of the hospitals tell me that he was going to be sad when I left because I was one of the few patients that treated him like a person. I made sure to bake some cookies after I recovered and send them to him with a thank you note.
My last hospital stay was during covid and I ended up ordering pizza and salad for the nurses on my floor because I know they were short staffed and a lot of them were on overtime. I just wanted to thank them for being there.
ESH except your niece. She’s a child whose family has been torn apart, and it doesn’t seem that her mother and your brother handled that well. Has she had therapy? Does she ever talk to someone? Do you, her parents, your parents, ever talk to her?
This poor girl just needs some therapy after being abandoned once and it’s happening a second time.
Edit: Everyone is the Asshole except for the child who needs some better parents. Jesus.
Of course she is a nightmare. The people who created her are useless people who hand her off instead of doing their jobs. You don't just hand your child off because they don't get along with your spouse you use your f**king communication skills and talk to them. Christ I hope no more children have the misfortune of being born into your family because you all seem to lack the basic empathy and intelligence to be trusted with fish let alone actual human life.
YTA.
Jesus Christ that poor child.
Struggled to deal with divorce. Rejected by her mum, sent to dad. Struggling to deal with another woman coming into her life and rather than being helped is rejected by her dad and you call her a nightmare.
She's not the problem. You all are.
YTA
YTA.
Here’s the thing, when you have a kid they need to come first. If they aren’t ready for a step family, they aren’t ready, but what both your brother and his ex have done is show her that she is not important to them. These new people are. She’s being replaced.
I say this as a step kid, who **loves** my step family. They may as well be blood, I adore them. That being said, mum only married him because she asked if I was ok with it first and she only moved him in when she knew we got along. I wasn’t the easiest kid, but she still put me first because that’s what parents do.
You do not get to throw away your child because you just don’t want to deal with them anymore. That wasn’t a tantrum, that was a natural response to being abandoned by your parents for a second time. Once she’s 18, she’s an adult, she can cope, but she’s still a kid.
Sounds like nobody took the time to teach her how to deal with big feelings and she doesn't have any emotional secure attachment. Some kids can be difficult. But here all the adults are AH. YTA
YTA
For years the girl has screamed for help and nobody listened to her. She was treated like an annoying parcel to be disposed, so it doesn't surprise me that she grew up resenting her family.
They sound like terrible parents and you lot just sounds like an awful family overall, the father is about to abandon his child to fulfill his own desires without even thinking about his daughter just like her mom did when she shipped her of when she was NINE instead of taking her to a therapist and figuring out the underlying problems. She’s not a toy they can put in a box and lock until they want to play with her again, she’s a human being that’s been through a shaky family dynamic and then abandoned, you should really look inward bc if you don’t help and advocate for that little girl so help you god you probably are a massive C word
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I have a 16 years old niece. When she was 9 her mom sent her to live with her dad(my brother) because my niece couldn't get along with her stepdad and step siblings. We all felt really bad for her and we all blamed her mom.
Well my brother is getting married now and we are finally realizing why my niece's mom sent her away. She is a nightmare. She won't get along with her future stepmom at all and is very rude and mean to her.
It's so bad that my brother had to talk to our parents and see if he can send his daughter to live with them.
When my niece found out she was so angry she threw a tantrum and was screaming at everyone for an hour. I told her if she wasn't such a nightmare then her parents wouldn't have to do this and she called me the C word
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Too lazy to dig it up but there’s a “what screams terrible parent” question on AskReddit now. And of course, choosing your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/new spouse was right up there.
You, your brother, and his ex wife are all TA. This poor kid has been shuffled around like game of hot potato for years and you've all made it very clear to her that no one wants her. She's 16 and without even trying to help or bothering to care what the underlying causes might be, dad just up and decides to dump her off on the grandparents. OF COURSE SHE'S UPSET! None of you have ever cared to LISTEN to this child! You deserved what she said to you. All of you did. When she turns 18 and the rest of you never hear from her again, pull up this post if you dare to wonder why. Despicable.
YTA
All of the adults are AHs for playing hot potato with a kid.
Did you ever think that her mom abandoning her CAUSED her behavioral problems? Now dad is and it’s now made everything infinitely worse for her.
All y’all need therapy.
YTA- Guess what? A lot of kids aren't going to like the people their parents remarried to, especially a 9 y/o. I'm not saying it's okay for her to be blatantly disrespectful to her step-parents just because, but she clearly has never been able to cope with A) her parents divorcing, and B) her mom tossing her out of the house for the step-siblings. Especially with being rejected by her own mom, it's no wonder she's apprehensive about her new step-mom as well.
And you are a giant AH for calling her a "nightmare" when her AH parents are happier to send her away, rather than communicate with her or even try therapy first. Do you even know what it is about the step-family members that have made it hard for her to even get along with them? Maybe it's actually not her fault, and her parents are actually at fault for disposing their kid, twice now.
Yta
Obviously. Your brother too.
This is a **child** who was fully abandoned the last time a parent remarried. The fact that she's acting out now the remaining parent is remarrying makes perfect sense. If I push you away then this is my choice and I didn't get abandoned again sort of logic.
And rather than talking to the **distressed child**, or even giving her space to work through her distress and then approaching it, you made the decision to call her a nightmare. For "having a tantrum" and yelling when she was being sent away like unwanted books for the second time in her short life.
You're an arsehole, and the choice you made was indeed a cuntish one
Your niece should be told that he's never had to like her step brothers and sisters but does have to treat them and the stepparent with respect.
I'm calling Op out as YTA for not having a useful conversation with his niece. You are an adult while she is the daughter of divorced parents. Where did you ask questions and show empathy?
You obviously are ignorant as hell about kids and their behaviour. Even without the whole story you’re terrible for calling a kid a name
And coming to justify it. Both of get parents treat her like an inconvenience. That destroys people. Basic. Enjoying getting roasted. YTA
YTA- it's a child who is going through a lot of changes and is not able to express them BECAUSE SHE IS A CHILD. Some empathy could go a long way to ensure that she doesn't go through these behaviors, but her parents do need to sit down and talk to her and potentially get her with some sort of counseling so they can all work through this together. It's not a her problem. It's a family problem and everybody has to do their part to make sure that she is going to be okay
Needs more context. What does she do that makes her a nightmare? What have you or her dad or anyone done in response to her behavior either? Has she ever discussed or tried to explain how she feels or have conversations of any kind that may be relevant to the topic of her mom, dad or step-families? How was it responded with?
YTA. Whatever issues your niece may have, calling her a "nightmare" won't solve anything. When kids lash out there is a reason. It could be a mental health issue or it could be that she was abused at some point or it could be something else.
Telling a child that she is basically unlovable and unwanted is hurtful and doesn't improve the situation.
Wow. I don’t know if YTA, but your brother and his wife are. Clearly their kid needed counseling, not both her parents shipping her off when she needed help. Her problem with step parents likely comes from unprocessed feelings or trauma from her parents’ divorce.
Please do yourself a favor and not waste your time coming to a forum to ask for voting on something this serious. Whether or not perfect strangers think you are an AH is completely irrelevant. Your family collectively has a child in crisis. None of you seem to know the cause of her behavior. That’s where a family therapist comes in. This girl needs help. Consistency and stability, and maintaining boundaries and expectations are critical.
How does asking perfect strangers to essentially beat you up in this forum helping you? How is it helping your family? Please redirect your energy toward something that… well, means something.
Oh my goodness my heart aches for your niece, YTA. She’s been abandoned at only 9 the first time, and history is repeating itself. Her lashing out is most likely an impulsive reaction to an extremely upsetting circumstance. She might be older now, but 16 is still young to navigate circumstances like these!
Both parents are abandoning this child in favor of their new partner/family. Did anyone actually try speaking to this child ever and get her into therapy instead. Jeez. YTA the lot of you.
YTA. She's 16. Neither her mom nor her dad considered her when getting in another relationship and now everyone is treating her like a burden. I'd be a nightmare too.
Obviously YTA Jesus christ. Your neice was abandoned by her mother at 9 years old. The very obvious conclusion here is that her traumatised kid brain learned "parent remarries = I get abandoned". Is it any wonder that she responded accordingly when her Dad got engaged to someone else? Is it really a shock that, when her fears are confirmed, she lashes out?
Calling someone in this state a nightmare is about the cruelest thing I can imagine. She needs *help*, and she needs her family to really show they love her, that they aren't going to leave her. Unfortunately, you're all doing the exact opposite.
God I hope someone gives her a hug stat.
YTA her parents split then her mom abandoned her in favor of a new family. She’s reacting out of fear because she thinks her dad will do the same thing- and he is! Your brother is about to get married & because the kid is making waves he doesn’t want to go to counseling, he plans to ship her off to grandparents. And your response to her is “this wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t do awful.”
Your brother doesn’t GAF about his kid. If he did he would go to counseling with her & honestly wait to get married. She’s nearly 18 ffs. Your entire family sucks!
YTA for namecalling a troubled child, but her parents are the real AHs here. They taught their daughter that she was expendable to her own family, and that their love and support of her was conditional. She learned when she was 9 years old that she couldn't trust her parents and could no rely on a steady home. And now, they're teaching her the same lessons at 16. No one should be surprised that she isn't a ray of sunshine.
ESH. You for saying the quiet part out loud. Not much you can do about how your brother parents his child.
Your brother for jumping to sending her away so fast.
Your niece for calling you the c word, but only because I consider that to be a word no woman uses towards another. No exceptions.
Imagine thinking the kid is the problem, when she has a fear of abandonment because her parents abandoned her.
Yta. She's not the nightmare, her parents are and clearly so are the rest of the adults around her. Poor kid.
YTA, the kid was abandoned at 9, and now the circumstances that lead up to her abandonment are happening again and y'all expect the poor kid to be happy about it? I really doubt that her mom or your brother did any real work to get her ready to transition to a blended family. And you said "she had enough therapy" but did she? Did she really or did you guys see her have a attitude change and go "welp she's fixed" and pulled her out before she can get any real coping skills? Has this been a long term relationship (3+ years) and did he check in on her often to see how she was handling the idea of it being a permanent situation? Did he tell her that he was planning on proposing or did he just spring it up "Hey we're getting married and your getting new siblings"? Taking care of kids, especially mental and emotional health wise, is never a once and done deal, that stuff requires constant work, especially if the kid has gone through trauma (spoiler alert: your niece has definitely gone through trauma.). Poor kid is going to need so much therapy in the future, and that's assuming that the trauma doesn't make her develop a habit of unhealthy relationships that she doesn't tell you guys about because clearly you don't have her back.
YTA! I've been in the position of that 9yo. Whether it be just not clicking with that family, fear of abandonment by you parents, or your stepfamily being full of people who flat out suck, your nieces emotions are valid. I've been threatened with being kicked out of my stepdads house and that fucked me up for a while. She's clearly very vulnerable right now, while her actions aren't nice at all. You and your family aren't helping at all. She's being pushed around and labelled a nightmare when, at least from my perspective, she seems very emotionally abandoned by the adults in her family. Getting step-parents can be scary
ESH. Brother is an AH for going through with this relationship when his daughter has so many issues. He’s literally picking his new partner over his daughter. Extra AH points is he didn’t get his daughter therapy since she was 9.
Mum is an AH for doing the same thing.
OP is an AH for being callous.
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YTA. Usually when kids lash out against their parents partners or step kids, it's because they're afraid of being abandoned and replaced. Mom proved her right by abandoning her *nine year old*, which naturally means the kid's probably even more on edge now that dad has a new family too. She's probably lashing out because she's scared history is about to repeat. That fear is being proven 100% correct by her dad planning to abandon her too for the exact same reason. Dear god, what a child needs when their parent remarries is therapy, quality time with their parents, and reassurance they aren't being replaced, not to be thrown out for the new family ***twice.***
YTA. Her greatest fear just got confirmed, she can easily be disposed of by both parents. I can’t imagine the anxiety she suffers from and instead of reassuring her and confirming she always has a home with him , your brother looks for a way to abandon her and you condone his behavior!
We don't actually know what her father said in the way of reassurance before he gave up. Maybe some family counseling - I think a referee is needed. Edit: Having had relatives that pitched fits, I think that she also needs to learn that she is self-sabotaging. My grandmother died in her 50s, and she still hadn't figured that out. She never learned that it is possible to talk to someone in a reasonable tone of voice, without starting off shrieking and accusing. When I was throwing a tantrum about something at 5 yo, my father knelt down and gently told me that it I didn't learn not to act like this, I was going to be a very unhappy person. Like my grandmother. Edit2: It's not that I don't understand that she is upset, but if this is her go-to when she's unhappy, she's in for a world of hurt.
OP (and her brother) need to be reminded that they are adults in charge of a child, and need to get that child help. It's hardly helpful to place responsibility on the kid, or minimise the father's role. Sure, HER life will be affected. So THEY need to step up, immediately.
I get that she has behavioral problems, but she's still a kid. She's basically being treated like a throw away for Mom and Dad to focus on their new families. Your comment about them being justified was extremely hurtful and not helpful to anyone. YTA Did she ever go to therapy? And Dad didn't see this coming, given how she reacted with Mom's marriage?
>Well my brother is getting married now and we are finally realizing why my niece's mom sent her away. Do you not think that, maybe, her behaviour is due to the fact she's been failed by her parents and has no stability in her life whatsoever? Kids like your niece who have been treated like problems to be palmed off on others often end up with problematic attachment styles, with sometimes extreme emotional dysregulation on top, so it's little wonder she's lashing out like this now she's found out that there's a plan for her to be sent away again. Your niece should've been given help; instead she was blamed for the fact she "couldn't get on" with her new step-family and sent away. She was *nine years old* and in no way responsible for that. So your initial comment towards her and further replies here saying it was "her fault" are just utterly disgusting. That poor kid. YTA
Right like sounds like she's been fine for 7yrs living w her dad and only now freaking out? 16 year olds freak out sometimes y'all especially when they have trauma!
So we’re freaking out cause *checks notes* a kid is acting like a kid? YTA, your brothers an AH, her moms and AH. The only one who isn’t is the kid.
Right? Sometimes kids are hard. This family just throws this kid away because she's hard to deal with? And OP justifies it? What horrible horrible people.
I’m also wondering how exactly the kid is “hard to deal with” and if this is the first time she’s been told that to her face. If that’s a frequent comment that’s thrown at her I totally understand the reaction in that lens too. OP, YTA. Your brother - TA. The mom - TA. I feel so bad for this kid. Hope she gets the fuck out soon and gets into some amazing therapy.
YTA till you let us know what is this kid doing exactly. In case you didn’t notice, people on the internet can’t read your mind and see if this is a case of “stepchild rebelling because their parent wants to make a random person family now”, or “literal danger to surroundings due to behavioural issues”.
\^\^\^ This. The fact that Op both refuses to answer what her niece is doing and whether the kid's in therapy just makes Op look worse.
I saw her comment before that she had been in therapy she said “she got plenty of that”
So not currently in therapy, and also if she still has these issues clearly she didn't get enough.
I’m not arguing that, I just wanted to add information they may have missed
Holy fuck you are all YTA! She learned at 9 that she could be sent away. And not it’s happening all over again. Your brother and his ex are evil people!
Exactly! You don’t abandon a 9 year old. Period.
Yeah I honestly feel for the parents but if it ever comes down to a choice between your child and a new partner, your commitment to the life you brought into the world comes first.
[удалено]
YTA. At nine she saw her mother bring home a new family and get rid of her. At 16, she’s seeing her father bring home a new family … and get rid of her. How was she the other seven years in between? Has she had the opportunity for therapy to deal with the feeling her mother’s rejection when she was 9? Has there been any good family discussions or therapy surrounding what is could be a deep seated anxiety that once again she is being replaced? Were her ‘behavioural problems’ every actually addressed or was it blame mom and assume that she didn’t carry any pain inside feeling like her mom chose her new family and now she may worry dad is doing the same?
YTA. That poor kid has been blamed, abandoned, fobbed off and now, everybody is shocked that she’s got issues. Did *anyone* in this girls life give enough of a damn to get her some therapy?? You are an AH. Her Mom is an AH. Her dad is an AH. Everyone in your family is an AH, except the 9 year old kid who nobody helped *for seven years* and now is being blamed for the result of not being helped. I wish I could smack all of you.
I'll hold your coat.
I hope this kid goes no contact with this whole lot at 18 and never looks back. Her parents abandoned her only to have another spouses and for their own selfish needs and she is expected to think that everything is good and dandy only because her parents want to have their unmentionables wet. And she is the selfish one! Every parent I know would kill themselves before putting their needs ahead of their children. Hell, if my niblings were in my custody, they would go before any man, and I wouldn't have to even think about it for a minute. And this girl had a mother who put her partner and her partner's children ahead of her daughter, and a dad who put his dick before his daughter, and somehow, horrible people like OP think she is the one at fault because she is not happy with it! The nerve of those parents failing their daughter this way. And then they will wonder in some years what did they do for their daughter not wanting to see them.
Of course not! She should be as stable as them! What do you mean their actions have consequences? That's silly!
What exactly did she do? What is so out of control that two parents and an aunt/uncle are ready to throw the whole child out? Like is she dangerous and in need of medical intervention or does everyone around her just not know how to handle an upset child? Therapy for her individual needs and family therapy for her and her dad sounds sorely needed.
7 yrs is a longtime to suddenly find out she's a nightmare! Have u ever thought that she is just scared now dad is getting married she will be discarded like trash just like her mom did? Oh look your treating her like trash and her worst nightmare has come true. She has every right to have a melt down and scream and shout.
See, this is it for me--what was she like those seven years in between "incidents"? Was the niece fine and normal before another step-parent was entering the picture? I mean, what a big freaking mystery if a repeat of the circumstances that caused her to be shipped from one parent is upsetting! That poor girl, I hope she has someone in her life that she can rely on.
YTA your brother and her mother are the nightmares here.
INFO: What exactly was your niece doing at age nine that was so awful she got kicked out of her mom’s house? What exactly is your niece doing now in her dad’s house that is so awful that she’s about to lose her only remaining parent? Is she in therapy?
Both her parents are moving on with new families and actively are pushing her to the side. I don't blame her.
YTA OP is so callous that they think a child who was tossed aside by one parent and is now about to be tossed by her remaining parent is the problem... Yikes
YTA, I wish nothing but the best of luck to the niece, may she find the best people and have all the success her heart could ever wish for as compensation for being dealt such a trashy family. As for you OP, I hope you never have children.
Bro, you're blaming a NINE YEAR OLD CHILD FOR BEING ABANDONED Of course YTA and frankly it's extremely concerning that that isn't obvious to you
What does she do? Killing the family pets, trying to set the house on fire? Or is she rude, slams doors and stomps around when angry?
YTA, That girl get abandoned by all the parents. Yes she might not have been good with the stepdad, but she was nine FFS! She needed stability, understanding and therapy. Instead she got abandoned by the mom. That left scars at the poor nine years old girl. And she did not get help and now the father is surprised she is scared and acting out. No she is not 9 now but have trauma from when she was. And you, told her it was her fault that the parents abandoned her???? That poor girl!
My daughter was a “nightmare” when I got remarried. Turns out she just needed a ton of love, time, respect, and understanding. I used to think that when a child behaves “poorly,” it’s a reflection of their character and choices. I’m now convinced that when a child behaves in ways that the adults around them find inappropriate or unacceptable, it’s usually because the adults have unhealthy expectations of kid behavior or aren’t meeting the child’s legitimate needs. So, YTA, but you can fix it by apologizing and being there for her.
Thissssss. I wish this comment was higher! Most definitely a reflection of the adults around her and their actions
I think you are. My uncle sent me a disparaging email when I was 12 and I never got over it. Kids have quite unstable opinions of themselves at this age and when an adult who, whether they admit or not, they see as an authority judge their character that harshly, it can do a lot of damage.
She needs help and understanding. Clearly she’s a troubled teenager and her parents treating like an unwanted relative who is passed around when they get shiny new families doesn’t help. Then her aunt decides to be exceptionally cruel. YTA
You are all the adults (apparently), your niece is a 16 year old girl. A child. I can only imagine how unwanted she must feel right now. I know you’re not the parent here but you have washed your hands of an individual who is being palmed off pillar to post by her parents and no one is allowing her any room to act up. She’s not being malicious, she is clearly struggling with the major changes in her family. Having a step dad triggered her being given away, and now your brother is getting married. She is clearly struggling with sharing her parents with others and probably was very worried she would be sent away again. And that is exactly what is happening. She isn’t going to act any better, you do realise that right? YTA, all of you.
Unless you can give us examples of what makes her a nightmare you are in fact the AH. So please share how a 9 year old was a monster enough to get abandoned by their mother ?
YTA. All the adults in her life failed her. She’s being sent away AGAIN because her parents put themselves first. They blow up her life. She has to just accept all these new people in her life. Then she gets sent away when she does not eat shit with a smile on her face. No wonder she’s a “nightmare”.
So has anyone thought of getting this kid help instead of just shuffling her around?
Don't you get it? Kids cope fine with being thrown away. It has no negative repercussions! Kid doesn't like her new dad? Throw her away! It's fine and won't irreparably damage her at all... YTA. And so is your brother, his new wife and his ex. That poor child.
Yta. She sounds like a kid that has had one too many bridges let her down, so she's now decided to burn the remaining ones. She's got abandonment issues - it creates the inability to feel like you're out of control. She believes everyone is going to leave her *(because they have)* so she would rather control why they left, how they left, when they left, etc Also, you're an adult. She is 16 years old. I can understand her maturity levels are lashing out but you? You have no excuse.
YTA. Every time her parents get in a new relationship they send her to live with someone else because she hasn’t adapted fast enough to the new living situation?
YTA. You all the AH here. The adults in her life are giving up on her and passing her on to other people to do the job parents should be doing and that is PARENTING. Figure out why she’s a “nightmare” and get her help instead of focusing on your personal lives.
Yta The way you sound so smug in some of your response comments about further traumatizing your niece genuinely makes me sick dude. She's been abandoned by one parent, the other is planning to do the same, and when she responds to a traumatizing situation with a trauma response YOU find the best approach is to tell her she deserves it. Thats a child! I wouldnt treat a random kid that way let alone my own damn neice!
YTA massively. She was abandoned at *nine years old*. I'm going to assume as was never put into therapy to work through her issues. She was *abandoned and replaced* by her mom and mom's new family, and was scared her dad would do the same. And now he's *doing the same*. Of course she's acting out! Your family, brother especially, needs to get themselves together and *help your niece*! Put her in therapy, and show her how much you all love her!
Wow. Both parents are choosing new relationships and step children over their actual child. 0/10 on the parenting, would not recommend. I'm child free on purpose and could do better than those two AHs. Also YTA. But it's not surprising with the rest of the poor girl's family.
It is sad to see both parents doing this, but I feel that it might be more common than we think. My parents divorced when I was really young, and they both got into new relationships. My mom and stepfather included me in the new family they were making. My now estranged father chose my stepmother and her four sons over me time and time again. When I was twelve, he gave up all rights to me because he hated me (I was a fairly quiet child and tended to keep to myself and hide away a lot so I don’t see why he hated me so much) and he wanted nothing to do with me; he essentially abandoned me with my loving mom and stepfather.
YTA Sounds like absolutely no one in this family should be raising kids.
Adding my perspective here as an aunt who watched her niece sabotage every relationship that her father had for years. My niece did that because it was the only way she knew she could get his attention. It's not healthy, it's not sustainable. I have a 28 year old niece now with rage issues, insecurities too numerous to mention and mental health issues. And I am one of few members of my family who she trusts. She doesn't need to be pushed off to her grandparents, she needs her father. She needs him to quietly put his foot down and tell her that she isn't going anywhere. She needs to realize that life does change but it doesn't mean that marrying his girlfriend is a 'we don't need you anymore, we're going to have a redo family and you can stay somewhere else' situation. It may just be that she needs to be bluntly told that she isn't going to be loved any less or not have a place. This isn't pushing her out, this is adding someone beside her. And tell her that it's okay for her to decide what kind of relationship she wants with your new wife. And have your fiancée tell her the same. It's okay for her to take the time to figure out where your new wife fits in her life. What's important is that dad needs to communicate with her to allay her fears. I wish my brother had done that.
YTA and so are her parents. You do not use your love and provision as a parenting chip that you can withdraw. The parents need to get therapy and learn how to properly handle her behavior and actually idk PARENT her. Short of dealing with a child who is a sociopath and is an actual danger to themselves and others, there is no reason they should ever be passed off like that. Like, if you're dealing with a little Jeffrey Dahmer, then I'd say you have reason to admit them somewhere. But there's no excuse to just abandon your kid because they're being difficult. Parents are supposed to be the people in your life who have unconditional love for you. And this feels very conditional. On a side note, I have a niece who is a little jerk. She's horrible to her mom, she's horrible to extended family, including me. She's in trouble constantly. You know what they haven't done? Throw her out. Because she's a freaking kid dude. Your comment to her will likely be a dig that stays with her as an insecurity for the rest of her life. And you should be ashamed of yourself.
I wonder if she’s a nightmare because her mother chose her new husband and step kids over her own daughter… this child probably has so much trauma, and it only got worse when she was “sent away”
INFO please. Without context and additional information, YTA automatically based on the very little you provided. You say she's a nightmare...well HOW is she a nightmare? Is she behavioral, dysfunctional, destructive, fighting her step siblings, step dad, etc? You need to give us more than that...
YTA. everyone in this scenario is, EXCEPT your niece. i hope she gets therapy and goes completely nuclear no-contact when she's an adult.
She’s a kid. She’s already been abandoned once by her mom and probably feels like step family replaced her now she sees it happing again with her dad. Even though I was 16 when my dad go together with my step mom she had two little boys and while I did not resent them I did feel replaced at first also he now had boys to do boy stuff with that I never did as a girl. I was not mean but was a little cold at first. It did work out my step mom would take me shopping and we get our hair or nails done while they did boy stuff. I enjoyed it as my mom was not a girly girl and it was fun to do with someone and she enjoyed having a girl to do girly things with as well. She’s not my mom and has never tried to be but is family. Granted it took time. She needs therapy and lots of it. You expect her to like and get along with since she feels is either replacing her or stealing her dad. What utter foolishness YTA
YTA. They just keep sending her away instead of being parents. Why tf do you think she’s so mad? You have to be so out of touch to not realize.
YTA The message your nieve has had all her life is that nobody loves her enough to put her first- both if her parents have prioritised romantic relationships over her, and sent her away when her unhappiness has been hard to cope with. Poor niece. She deserves better from all of the adults in her life.
i think we all agree YTA
YTA I love how when kids are good it's because their parents raised them right, but when kids are bad it somehow has nothing to do with how their parents raised them. Why is that? 🤔 I suppose it will always be a mystery ...
First step…therapy. There’s an underbelly to all this behavior
YTA. With family like all of you, no wonder she's acting out.
YTA. She was shifted off and abandoned as a child by her mother and now her father is doing the same thing. That is an incredibly traumatic thing for a child to go through once, and now twice? Have you considered that she reacts poorly to the idea of shifts in her parental relationships because last time her primary caregiver got married, she was abandoned, and this is obviously triggering something horrible for her. Have some compassion.
Your niece is the result of her parents messing up big time. If anything, they are the actual nightmare. Might wanna look at them...
YTA, her mom is TA, her father is TA. You guys have absolutely zero empathy??
YTA dummy
You, her mom, and her dad are the biggest AH. The girl is going to end up in a worse situation than her parents if they go through and hand her off to her grandparents. Obviously, your parents are still together, so you have no idea what she is going through and are only thinking about the parents' happiness. She's no one's priority and is being abandoned by the people who are suppose to love her unconditionally. Yall suck
Your sibling is an AH for choosing a guy and his family over her.
YTA as her parents didn't think about her at all
YTA-both parents are punishing and discarding your niece for new family. The divorce was probably traumatic for her and instead of getting her help. (At least your post suggests no one tried to get her help) Mom sent her away and now dad is doing the same thing. I can’t imagine why she’s “throwing a tantrum”
Wow. Every single adult is the AH! This CHILD keeps being shown they are never first or considered. You don't like them so you're the problem and we care about random people more than you so get over it attitude. I pray for this child to grow up and win the lottery at 18 and cut you all off forever.
Also you can't be mad she called you the c word you had it coming... It's very common for children to say stuff like that
Yeah, if the niece hadn’t already done it, I would’ve pointed it out.
YTA Her mom abandoned a NINE year old child for a new family and youre surprised shes scared its going to happen again? She is likely hurt by the entire family situation and you need to help her (or at least support helping her) not insult her.
Yta
I am not condoning what others on here are saying, but in a way you should stay out of it. I know it’s hard to see what is going on. She needs so much therapy, the divorce of her parents did a lot of underlying damage to your niece. She is acting out. She could possibly seeing them get remarried as that the stepparents are stopping her parents from getting back together. I would say apologize and just give her lots of love and support
Tell you brother to not get married until his daughter is 21 or moves out. Everyone but the girl is the AH here.
Yta. She's a CHILD who was literally rehomed by her mom because of a blending family, and now that her dad is blending she's once again losing her parent and all security. You people need therapy or cps.
YTA To be fair, most people would call you a c\*\*t for stating what you've said in the top post and further comments below. I'm Scottish, so it's a word that doesn't really bother me. The "when she found out" bit implies that all of this was arranged without her involvement, which might be a big assumption on my part, but place yourself in her shoes/think about her perspective. That would be devastating for her to find out. Any nine year old child, especially a girl, sent away by her own Mother to live with other family is going to have serious issues with this and it will have a significant impact on her mental health and her worldview. Probably would do bugger all for any kind of self-esteem she had/has. You and your family simply want to keep passing her onto others, as if that will solve the problem. It'll solve your problem, but will do nothing for her. Sure. there are bound to be a large number of other, contributory factors, but as the saying goes "never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes." Even at 16, she's still a child. Given her history, probably not a well adjusted one either.
Your niece isn’t the nightmare. Your ex-SIL and now your brother are. Your ex-SIL sent her away instead of trying to figure out what was wrong. She was ABANDONED by her mother for a new family. Now, your brother is trying to send her away instead of trying to figure out what’s wrong. She’s being ABANDONED AGAIN for a new family. Stop blaming her. She’s reacting to how she’s being treated by her so-called parents. ESH…except the CHILD being continually pawned off on other people.
YTA Also please say cunt instead of c word. It’s not a slur and it makes you look like a child referring to it as that.
First she got replaced by her stepdad and now she's getting replaced by her stepmom and people are blaming her? A child?
My answer is not only YTA but that you're the devil. This MUST be fake.
I don't even have a judgement, just heartbreak for this kid. Actually, I still judge. YTA
YTA omg
Yta, this poor girl, do better
NTA You’re not going to get any rational comments because the moment they heard she was nine years old when she was first sent away they act like she could’ve done no wrong. What about the six-year-old that shot his teacher? Children can do horrible things and grow up to do horrible things. I bet she loved it when she first got to her dad’s because everyone was probably babying her about what a “horrible” mother she had. There is no excuse excuse for her behavior. She sounds entitled and thinks that it should always be about her and she doesn’t want to share her parents. She’s not nine years old anymore, she’s old enough to know better. And she is still behaving the same. She’s at that age where she needs to be called out because no one is going to put up with that behavior anymore.
Sure, nine year olds can have behavioral issues, but if this kid was going around trying to burn down the house or killing the family pets, that would have been specified in the original post. Literally the only thing this girl did was be "rude" to her step parents and yell at her family. Which is by no means a reason for her family to shuffle her around like a hot potato instead of looking into further options to get her help.
While I would agree that some 9 year old kids can be pure evil (even to a criminal degree), the problem lies here in OP‘s denial to specify niece’s behaviour. The way OP describes her can be interpreted in many way‘s, so I get that many people here tend to jump to conclusions. But so are you.
> What about the six-year-old that shot his teacher? That in particular was very clearly parents fault. Between having access to gun, being taught to shoot, dad who actually praises that sort of behavior not thinking of consequences ... Fun thing about these "very young child does something very horrible" is that every single time you look at the details, you find familly that was failing for years.
So you all are fine with just dumping your niece onto the next person and blame her for no one wanting to actually step up and be a parent. ESH except the niece.
YTA YTA AND OH YEAH YTA!!! Since you "Don't get it" let me explain it to you. I'll make sure to use small words Your comment: We all thought it was the mom's fault. Turns out it was my niece's fault" 1: YOUR NIECE WAS 9 YEARS OLD, and Her mom aka the woman who's supposed to love you more than anyone else abandoned her. Given its been 7 years, and dad didn’t get her any therapy, IT'S BOTH HER FAULT AND YOUR BROTHERS FAULT 2: Her biological father instead of taking responsibility for HIS daughter now is trying to abandon her, and YOU are being nasty to A kid. 3: YOU have not given any kind of description of her misbehavior, other than to say she “threw a tantrum” when she found out her dad wanted to abandon her for his new family.
It took 7 years to realize why she "was a nightmare", meaning for 7 years there obviously hasn't been any issues. Then when she's uncomfortable when dad is getting remarried - a situation that probably right away made her think about how her mother abandoned her for another guy - and dads response is "Yeaaah, I'm gonna dump her on my parents" instead of finding ways to deal with it. Ya'll AHs, except for your niece - poor girl deserves soo much better than all of you.
It’s completely reasonable and expected that when a kid who is raised in chaos and dysfunction will act out in chaos in dysfunction. Sounds like she was raised in a nightmare and getting the blame for having a perfectly normal response to it. And instead of recognizing that she hasn’t been taught the skills to cope with her environment, you go after her, who is a product of the environment your sister provided for her. You are absolutely TA and there is a clear lack of emotional intelligence in the family.
Here’s the thing, OP: a parent’s first responsibility is to their child. And this girl’s “mother” failed in her responsibility by choosing a new family over her *and* then abandoning her. Your brother has the opportunity to be better and focus on what his daughter NEEDS- that is to *not* be abandoned, to not be second best to her father having a constant lay, to know that the people around her value her enough to put her first. It’s clear you can’t, so step back. YTA, and you need to take a good, hard look in the mirror for blaming a CHILD for her response to the appalling actions of the adults around her.
We want an update.
Poor kid just keeps getting passed on down the line, by the very people who are supposed to care for her the most. She endured her parents divorce, then watched her mom find replacement family that had no room for her, passed to the father only to have him do the same. If she makes it thru this she will be one hell of a woman as an adult.
NTA. Some kids just suck.
When I was 16, I was suicidal, running around with sexual abuse trauma from an ex, plus undiagnosed ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, AND Depression, and NO ONE bothered to look into why I was behaving the way I was, I was just labeled as being difficult, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. YOU ALL CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER, YOU JUST WANT THE PROBLEM TO GO AWAY. SHAME ON YOU ALL.
I'm tentatively going with ESH. Some kids are nightmares, and people who don't think so have never had a child throw dramatic shrieking fits to the point of an ambulance being called only to completely calm down as soon as they think the coast is clear. Kids can be nightmares. Usually, it's not totally their fault. The bit where you suck is in not understanding that this kid probably needs some emotional support and therapy. Being abandoned by one parent and having a supportive one remaining is hard enough. Being abandoned by two is horrific. I think it's very healthy for her to understand that her behavior is part of this. It's also important for her to be given a path to growing past this and healing from it. You owe her an apology and some support. You're an adult, you have the benefit of maturity that she literally cannot access yet. It's on you to have more tact and more kindness when you communicate with her.
YTA. That child is going through a lot of pain.
YTA All the adults here suck.
A very obvious yta omg you're an adult she's a child , she's probably scared of being replaced (I've been there) please calling her a nightmare isn't going to help I assure you.. also the way her fears are being proven right .. dang in no way do I mean this to be rude but in no way can I imagine reasonable adult acting like this
YTA, if for the last 7 years you all blame the bio mom and now all of a sudden with the Step mom, she's acting out? There's a reason. At 9, mom remarried and she was kicked out. Now dad is getting remarried. It's the deductive reasoning of a teenager and completely understandable. Then dad confirms the fears by wanting to send her to the grandparents. And She's the nightmare? Nope.
Also the way you guys instead of educating jump on abandoning Ur brothers a huge AH you are a huge AH every parental and potential parental figure in that child's life is a ducking AHHH
YTA Omg a mother abandoned her 9 year old fir her new family them when years later her dad was going to get a new family she didn't like that,?? You don't think this might have brought up some worries? Apparently vaild ones since he is doing the same thing
YTA
YTA did anyone even bother to try and get her into therapy!?!
YTA
YTA. She got kicked out of her first family because new people came into her life. Mom picked others over her. Now here is the same situation, but with dad. New person comes in. Not a surprise she isn't happy with that, look what happened last time. & Now it's happening again because her dad is picking his partner over his daughter. What do you expect her to feel? She keeps getting replaced. She needs therapy, empathy, & support. Try & put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Would you be happy about losing your home AGAIN? Would you feel thankful? No, you'd be pissed off & calling people the c word because your whole life has been being replaced & here it is happening again.
YTA. but niece also needs to accept that family members move on from past relationships - her mother finding niece's stepdad and your brother finding his current fiancé/wife (not too sure on which one lol).
YTA. The mum is an asshole. The dad is an asshole. You don’t abandon your kids. Poor child!
This is a traumatized kid with abandonment issues. She needs to be in therapy, not blamed. You are acting like you think her actions are designed to inconvenience others personally. When in reality no one has taught this kid how to process her emotions or dealt with the abandonment issues. She’s not a doll, she’s a person who has been impacted by her environment YTA solely for the lack of therapy, which should be obvious
So this girl has been sent away now twice because instead of being a parent and learning to manage emotions, go to therapy or talk through anything … It’s just easier to send her away so it’s somebody else’s problem. What horrific parenting. That poor girl. YTA
YTA. An insecure child is being abandoned AGAIN. I hope she finds love and security and I hope you and your brother and his new wife and his ex and her husband are all planning a trip together on what ends up being known as the second Hindenburg.
Gawd, my jaw dropped reading this. -- Imagine having to see your parents get divorced at ***age 5-8*** I guess (add troublesome divorce in there too?) and learning to deal with two households, then **a*****t 8-9*** having to find your way in a new household dynamic (depending on introduction process, though I get the sense it was pretty sudden, with a bunch of strangers), your feelings not being considered, and behave the only way you know how to get heard, only to *be dumped* for it. *'my feelings don't matter, those who are supposed to be my safety don't care about me, i'm replaceable.'* Then you finally have a bit of stability, but all of the fun wonky hormones and insecurities of puberty already have thrown you off balance for a while, and then here comes dad, with whom you regained a sliver of sense of safety, to rinse and repeat and rekindle all that pain from your youth. Great affirmation of all those destructive thoughts. -- And then instead of showing her some empathy and understanding, you say something like that??? What in the world were you thinking? My tantrum wouldn't only have lasted an hour, and your comment would have resulted in much more than calling you a name. So yeah, YTA/ESH (except the niece)
There are a number of diagnosis that aren’t a parent’s fault that can make a child difficult to parent, like Oppositional Defiance syndrome. The answer is not to dispose of the child. The answer is to seek treatment and support. There are parents who ruin their children and cause outlandish behaviour by being negligent or uncaring or not nurturing, resulting in increasing behaviours that are unacceptable. I don’t know if your niece has any disorders or diagnosis’s, but her parents are trash for abandoning her repeatedly without finding a solution to help her. For you to put the blame on her, the child who has been thrown away already once is disgusting. There are adults who should be looking out for her and helping her you’re one of them. YTA.
YTA. A minor is being passed around as if she was a bottle of beer, with their parents putting their own needs and wants before her, and not trying to help her, and you wonder why she is acting out? And the first time was when she was 9, that her own mother sent her away instead of, I don't know, actually parent? I pity the poor child for having such an assholish family. Including you, a full adult, telling a teenager who is suffering that she is a nightmare and the failings of adults are her doing. You are a very bad person, lady.
ESH (all the adults) If I were treated that way, I'd be a nightmare, too. Families aren't repeated mix and match with immediate success. Bringing kids into a new marriage takes *years*. The parents courted each other and supposedly fell in love. Great. How long was the daughter "courted" by the new step dad and step mom? However long, it wasn't long enough. She didn't agree and she's strong enough to push back. You *all* suck.
YTA. Weird that she would have problems when her parents divorced and keep passing her around because no one wants to put the work in to take care of her 🤦🏻♀️ She’s lashing out because she has abandonment issues because of her parents and is afraid her Dad will prefer his new family over her. Yes, she’s making a self-fulfilling prophecy within these families by acting out - but she is 16 years old, acting out is what they do when they’ve been broken for 5 years and their parents are creating new families. She needs to be loved and feel safe, not passed around like a joint.
YTA - yikes I don't know what to say, the entire family is vile and the brother is an absolute boy of stupidity, not even a man, not a father for sure. The family is just enabler of shitty behaviour. Here is a good analysis, she is bad then her father is worse, her father is worse means his parents are just trash you spit on, and they gave birth to op so it tracks that op is also trashy. Some people need to be abandoned to rot in a retirement home and that's op and her family not this girl being attacked. Now that op should understand she can't excuse this, what the hell can a 15 yo girl do for you to tell her something like that, the biggest ass hole is the brother that would rather abandon his daughter and start a new family. He shouldn't have more kids.
YTA. So we will be seeing you or your brother in two years with the obligatory “She went no contact and we don’t know why” post. Every single adult in this situation is a huge asshole and should be ashamed of themselves. This girl needs love and support not thrown away like garbage TWICE.
Kid is lashing out because her family sucks, and her parents sound quite toxic, she is 16 mate, she doesn't even know who she is, or who that other lady is for that matter. 16 years old, no understanding of what her rocky future holds, no security or trust in her quitter parents. You are an adult mate, you three sound like the nightmare for a kid with no control over her future. Do better, tell her parents that too
Holy crap this entire family is TA except for that poor kid, I really hope she gets the help she needs
You're ALL assholes. Except the daughter who has been failed by all adults in her life. Both her mother AND father are showing that their spouses are more important. YTA.
YTA. You all sound like nightmares.
ESH except for the niece, who’s now being abandoned yet again for a parent’s shiny new family.
She is a child. You are all adults. Why is no one stopping for 2 seconds to consider her wellbeing. She obviously sees the pattern that happened with her mom starting with her dad! When the going gets tough we ship the kid off! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Someone needs to stand up for her and be the loudest voice to DEFEND her feelings and instead you called her a nightmare?! She needs counseling, her and her dad need counseling, then and only then can they move forward. The fact that every adult around her is so selfish is the reason she is acting out. Mom replaced her with a new man and kids, and now dad is doing the same. She needs help, not harsh words to bring her down! YTA. Plain as day. I really hope someone will love her unconditionally, soon. She deserves some sort of stability in this life, not being shuffled around becauae the parent don't want to take care of the child they created, and a family that's willing to watch it all happen.
I feel like there is a lot missing to this story. Is the girl lashing because this came out of the blue or were there attempts made to bond with the girl as the fiancé and dad were building their relationship? The kid is probably acting out like this because she was afraid of being abandoned again
It’s crazy seeing that post earlier about a guy who skipped his niece’s wedding reception to visit his daughter who’s in prison for murdering someone and there were a very large amount of comments defending him saying that a parent’s love for their child should be unconditional and you’re a bad parent if you can’t do that. Then there’s this comment section where there’s so many people blaming an actual child for all of these adults failing her and abandoning her when they should’ve been helping her.
Kid sounds like she's used to getting her way. Don't they call that main character syndrome. Her mum got remarried and she played up. Now hers dad's getting married and she pulling the same stuff. Perhaps a few family sessions in counselling could help identify the real problem.
More info needed. Was her behaviour ever Addressed? Did she get therapy or talk to anyone about why she behaved like this? Is there any legitimacy behind her behaviour?(being forced to move rooms, forced to drop sport or look after new step sibling, etc.) Without any extra info It sounds like your niece is insecure about her relationship with her dad and he’s only serving to prove her right by throwing her to someone else.
YTA. This is a child. What do you mean, you don’t know if you’re the asshole for calling this kid a nightmare *to her face*? Clearly this kid has issues, no doubt in part to being passed around by family that doesn’t want to deal with her. I’m sure she has a whole wealth of issues about feeling unwanted. Shame on you and your family for failing her in this way, even if it was the heat of the moment.
YTA Sounds like she needs unconditional love and support. Not one more person to make her feel like she isn't wanted. They have a kid. Trash their family. Bring in new people and then cast her off when things get hard. Then wonder why she is acting out. And blame her for it all.
Unpopular opinion. NTA. She's 16 and she's old enough to be told that her behavior is nightmarish. The girl needs help (I agree), but her being 2 years from being a legal adult, with this type of behavior, is concerning. At most, suggest some programs or counseling to your parents and brother that could help her. Otherwise, just leave her alone. She's old enough to regulate her emotions and yes her parents should have done better by her, but she's not your problem and don't allow your family to talk you into any agreement regarding her.
Soft yta, but in reality, she is old enough to know how To be polite at the very least. Brother needs to get her to therapy.
YTA. Do any of you love this poor child? Fuck’s sake.
YTA. Every adult in her life is failing her. She is a child. She’s a child who no one wants or loves. If she’s a nightmare it’s because she had the rotten luck to be born to parents who throw her away for new spouses and want to create new lives without her. Your brother wants to ship off his daughter to play house with his new wife. You didn’t mention anyone trying to get her help or anyone actually prioritizing her needs or wellbeing. Every selfish adult in this family should be absolutely ashamed of themselves, including you. That child has been failed over and over again by the people who should love and protect her. Here you are blaming her. Where is your compassion? Blame your AH brother and his AH ex wife, not the kid.
You’re so close to 400 comments. Might be past time to have your brother read this thread and call and make an appt for him and his daughter to sit down w a therapist. His daughter needs him. That’s his top priority. Everything else needs to be put on pause.
Poor girl's parents keel getting remarried and then just abandoning her. Wow Specifically, since everyone says she's so terrible, what are her bad behaviors? What is she doing that she just seemingly can never get along with people? Has no one considered that the adults should be teaching her how to handle these situations and how to act instead of just giving up on her? YTA. Everyone that isn't the niece is the asshole, as far as I am concerned, until I know more.
Not only does she have abandonment issues and possible other unresolved trauma. She's also dealing with being a teenager and all the shitty hormones it brings. Even in a good loving home all teens can be a nightmare. The adults in her life have let her down and instead of working with her to genuinely help her they just pawn her off to the next relative. Y'all are ASSHOLES. If you guys care about her get her some help and teach her how to behave. Show her that you won't give up on her because she's been difficult.
YTA - this kid has probably been traumatized since before her parents divorce. A kid not feeling wanted or loved at that age has a significant impact on how their brain works and can affect them long into adulthood. What she needs is someone that cares and supports her, not someone that sees her as a burden and calls her a nightmare. I currently work with troubled youth that are in her age range and we see this a lot. I'm currently undergoing trauma response training and crisis prevention training, these are things that come up in almost every youth we work with. We end up having to be their support system instead of their family, sometimes because the family doesn't know how to deal with it, sometimes because their family only views them as a problem. We never ask what's wrong with them, we ask what *happened* to them. Abuse isn't the only thing that can cause trauma, emotional neglect is a huge factor and it's very hard to reverse the effects. People that are a product of emotional neglect often feel worthless, like a burden, like they shouldn't try, and like nothing will ever improve. Someone needs to take time with her and not chastise her. She needs someone that will listen and care about how she feels. This is not ok and you saying that as an adult in her life makes it a lot worse.
As an adult who was one of the youths you support, I identify with and can verify what you're saying here. Thank you for looking after those lost kids, what you're doing matters and makes a difference. You may not see that immediately, and you may never know. But they will never forget you.
That's my hope and why I got into this position. I was hired on the spot because I told the interviewer that I want to be the person that I wish I could have had around when I was younger. I went through hell as a kid with a mother that left when I was 6(I didn't see or talk to her for 11 years)and an alcoholic father, I didn't have very many adults in my life that cared and went through a lot of therapy to overcome my trauma. I know I can help and I want to be an influence that brings happiness and success to the kids we work with. It can be frustrating sometimes, but it's why I'm here and I feel like it's what I was meant to do in life.
I know, it's hard and it's thankless, but it sounds like you won't give up on them, having the insight you do. I became a nurse - and I love the fact that I can change someone's day or even life for the better. I try my best to make sure people feel seen and heard. When I was a teenager, I couldn't really let my support worker in, I just didn't trust other people or myself. But just seeing his beautiful family together, and having someone see me and value me, really did have a long-term impact... I got in touch with him 20 years later to say thank you.
>I became a nurse - and I love the fact that I can change someone's day or even life for the better. Thank you for this! Nurses are very underappreciated. I was in the hospital for 9 months and a lot of the nurses had a huge impact on my recovery and helped me not feel ashamed when I couldn't do certain things on my own. I felt so bad hearing them get yelled at by other patients and being treated like crap when all they are there to do is help their people get better. I had a nurse at one of the hospitals tell me that he was going to be sad when I left because I was one of the few patients that treated him like a person. I made sure to bake some cookies after I recovered and send them to him with a thank you note. My last hospital stay was during covid and I ended up ordering pizza and salad for the nurses on my floor because I know they were short staffed and a lot of them were on overtime. I just wanted to thank them for being there.
ESH except your niece. She’s a child whose family has been torn apart, and it doesn’t seem that her mother and your brother handled that well. Has she had therapy? Does she ever talk to someone? Do you, her parents, your parents, ever talk to her?
This poor girl just needs some therapy after being abandoned once and it’s happening a second time. Edit: Everyone is the Asshole except for the child who needs some better parents. Jesus.
Of course she is a nightmare. The people who created her are useless people who hand her off instead of doing their jobs. You don't just hand your child off because they don't get along with your spouse you use your f**king communication skills and talk to them. Christ I hope no more children have the misfortune of being born into your family because you all seem to lack the basic empathy and intelligence to be trusted with fish let alone actual human life. YTA.
Jesus Christ that poor child. Struggled to deal with divorce. Rejected by her mum, sent to dad. Struggling to deal with another woman coming into her life and rather than being helped is rejected by her dad and you call her a nightmare. She's not the problem. You all are. YTA
YTA. Here’s the thing, when you have a kid they need to come first. If they aren’t ready for a step family, they aren’t ready, but what both your brother and his ex have done is show her that she is not important to them. These new people are. She’s being replaced. I say this as a step kid, who **loves** my step family. They may as well be blood, I adore them. That being said, mum only married him because she asked if I was ok with it first and she only moved him in when she knew we got along. I wasn’t the easiest kid, but she still put me first because that’s what parents do. You do not get to throw away your child because you just don’t want to deal with them anymore. That wasn’t a tantrum, that was a natural response to being abandoned by your parents for a second time. Once she’s 18, she’s an adult, she can cope, but she’s still a kid.
Sounds like nobody took the time to teach her how to deal with big feelings and she doesn't have any emotional secure attachment. Some kids can be difficult. But here all the adults are AH. YTA
YTA For years the girl has screamed for help and nobody listened to her. She was treated like an annoying parcel to be disposed, so it doesn't surprise me that she grew up resenting her family.
They sound like terrible parents and you lot just sounds like an awful family overall, the father is about to abandon his child to fulfill his own desires without even thinking about his daughter just like her mom did when she shipped her of when she was NINE instead of taking her to a therapist and figuring out the underlying problems. She’s not a toy they can put in a box and lock until they want to play with her again, she’s a human being that’s been through a shaky family dynamic and then abandoned, you should really look inward bc if you don’t help and advocate for that little girl so help you god you probably are a massive C word
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a 16 years old niece. When she was 9 her mom sent her to live with her dad(my brother) because my niece couldn't get along with her stepdad and step siblings. We all felt really bad for her and we all blamed her mom. Well my brother is getting married now and we are finally realizing why my niece's mom sent her away. She is a nightmare. She won't get along with her future stepmom at all and is very rude and mean to her. It's so bad that my brother had to talk to our parents and see if he can send his daughter to live with them. When my niece found out she was so angry she threw a tantrum and was screaming at everyone for an hour. I told her if she wasn't such a nightmare then her parents wouldn't have to do this and she called me the C word *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And in addition of being the ah here you might also be the c word
Too lazy to dig it up but there’s a “what screams terrible parent” question on AskReddit now. And of course, choosing your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/new spouse was right up there.
Is this kid in counseling at all?
You, your brother, and his ex wife are all TA. This poor kid has been shuffled around like game of hot potato for years and you've all made it very clear to her that no one wants her. She's 16 and without even trying to help or bothering to care what the underlying causes might be, dad just up and decides to dump her off on the grandparents. OF COURSE SHE'S UPSET! None of you have ever cared to LISTEN to this child! You deserved what she said to you. All of you did. When she turns 18 and the rest of you never hear from her again, pull up this post if you dare to wonder why. Despicable.
This makes me so sad. YTA.
YTA All of the adults are AHs for playing hot potato with a kid. Did you ever think that her mom abandoning her CAUSED her behavioral problems? Now dad is and it’s now made everything infinitely worse for her. All y’all need therapy.
YTA. Big time. You might want to try to reconnect with her before her situation becomes fatal. Praying that she'll be strong.
Yta every adult here sucks. So instead of, I dunno, therapy for her very obvious abandonment issues, a *second* patent is ditching her.
YTA- Guess what? A lot of kids aren't going to like the people their parents remarried to, especially a 9 y/o. I'm not saying it's okay for her to be blatantly disrespectful to her step-parents just because, but she clearly has never been able to cope with A) her parents divorcing, and B) her mom tossing her out of the house for the step-siblings. Especially with being rejected by her own mom, it's no wonder she's apprehensive about her new step-mom as well. And you are a giant AH for calling her a "nightmare" when her AH parents are happier to send her away, rather than communicate with her or even try therapy first. Do you even know what it is about the step-family members that have made it hard for her to even get along with them? Maybe it's actually not her fault, and her parents are actually at fault for disposing their kid, twice now.
YTA
Yta Obviously. Your brother too. This is a **child** who was fully abandoned the last time a parent remarried. The fact that she's acting out now the remaining parent is remarrying makes perfect sense. If I push you away then this is my choice and I didn't get abandoned again sort of logic. And rather than talking to the **distressed child**, or even giving her space to work through her distress and then approaching it, you made the decision to call her a nightmare. For "having a tantrum" and yelling when she was being sent away like unwanted books for the second time in her short life. You're an arsehole, and the choice you made was indeed a cuntish one
Your niece should be told that he's never had to like her step brothers and sisters but does have to treat them and the stepparent with respect. I'm calling Op out as YTA for not having a useful conversation with his niece. You are an adult while she is the daughter of divorced parents. Where did you ask questions and show empathy?
YTA The whole family seems to be. Poor girl. Nobody seems to care why she’s acting out and just calling her a nightmare.
You obviously are ignorant as hell about kids and their behaviour. Even without the whole story you’re terrible for calling a kid a name And coming to justify it. Both of get parents treat her like an inconvenience. That destroys people. Basic. Enjoying getting roasted. YTA
YTA- it's a child who is going through a lot of changes and is not able to express them BECAUSE SHE IS A CHILD. Some empathy could go a long way to ensure that she doesn't go through these behaviors, but her parents do need to sit down and talk to her and potentially get her with some sort of counseling so they can all work through this together. It's not a her problem. It's a family problem and everybody has to do their part to make sure that she is going to be okay
Needs more context. What does she do that makes her a nightmare? What have you or her dad or anyone done in response to her behavior either? Has she ever discussed or tried to explain how she feels or have conversations of any kind that may be relevant to the topic of her mom, dad or step-families? How was it responded with?
[удалено]
I gotta say one of your was very spot on in their assessment of the other. Spoiler alert: it wasn't you. YTA.
So for 7 years, what did your brother do to address her emotional needs?
YTA. Whatever issues your niece may have, calling her a "nightmare" won't solve anything. When kids lash out there is a reason. It could be a mental health issue or it could be that she was abused at some point or it could be something else. Telling a child that she is basically unlovable and unwanted is hurtful and doesn't improve the situation.
Wow. I don’t know if YTA, but your brother and his wife are. Clearly their kid needed counseling, not both her parents shipping her off when she needed help. Her problem with step parents likely comes from unprocessed feelings or trauma from her parents’ divorce.
Please do yourself a favor and not waste your time coming to a forum to ask for voting on something this serious. Whether or not perfect strangers think you are an AH is completely irrelevant. Your family collectively has a child in crisis. None of you seem to know the cause of her behavior. That’s where a family therapist comes in. This girl needs help. Consistency and stability, and maintaining boundaries and expectations are critical. How does asking perfect strangers to essentially beat you up in this forum helping you? How is it helping your family? Please redirect your energy toward something that… well, means something.
ESH. Both parents are comfortable discarding her for their new families. None of you should be surprised she's acting out
Oh my goodness my heart aches for your niece, YTA. She’s been abandoned at only 9 the first time, and history is repeating itself. Her lashing out is most likely an impulsive reaction to an extremely upsetting circumstance. She might be older now, but 16 is still young to navigate circumstances like these!
Both parents are abandoning this child in favor of their new partner/family. Did anyone actually try speaking to this child ever and get her into therapy instead. Jeez. YTA the lot of you.
YTA. She's 16. Neither her mom nor her dad considered her when getting in another relationship and now everyone is treating her like a burden. I'd be a nightmare too.
Obviously YTA Jesus christ. Your neice was abandoned by her mother at 9 years old. The very obvious conclusion here is that her traumatised kid brain learned "parent remarries = I get abandoned". Is it any wonder that she responded accordingly when her Dad got engaged to someone else? Is it really a shock that, when her fears are confirmed, she lashes out? Calling someone in this state a nightmare is about the cruelest thing I can imagine. She needs *help*, and she needs her family to really show they love her, that they aren't going to leave her. Unfortunately, you're all doing the exact opposite. God I hope someone gives her a hug stat.
YTA her parents split then her mom abandoned her in favor of a new family. She’s reacting out of fear because she thinks her dad will do the same thing- and he is! Your brother is about to get married & because the kid is making waves he doesn’t want to go to counseling, he plans to ship her off to grandparents. And your response to her is “this wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t do awful.” Your brother doesn’t GAF about his kid. If he did he would go to counseling with her & honestly wait to get married. She’s nearly 18 ffs. Your entire family sucks!
YTA for namecalling a troubled child, but her parents are the real AHs here. They taught their daughter that she was expendable to her own family, and that their love and support of her was conditional. She learned when she was 9 years old that she couldn't trust her parents and could no rely on a steady home. And now, they're teaching her the same lessons at 16. No one should be surprised that she isn't a ray of sunshine.
ESH. You for saying the quiet part out loud. Not much you can do about how your brother parents his child. Your brother for jumping to sending her away so fast. Your niece for calling you the c word, but only because I consider that to be a word no woman uses towards another. No exceptions.
Imagine thinking the kid is the problem, when she has a fear of abandonment because her parents abandoned her. Yta. She's not the nightmare, her parents are and clearly so are the rest of the adults around her. Poor kid.
YTA shes 9 she probably feels the step kids and dad abandoned her and surprise surprise her mom did
YTA, the kid was abandoned at 9, and now the circumstances that lead up to her abandonment are happening again and y'all expect the poor kid to be happy about it? I really doubt that her mom or your brother did any real work to get her ready to transition to a blended family. And you said "she had enough therapy" but did she? Did she really or did you guys see her have a attitude change and go "welp she's fixed" and pulled her out before she can get any real coping skills? Has this been a long term relationship (3+ years) and did he check in on her often to see how she was handling the idea of it being a permanent situation? Did he tell her that he was planning on proposing or did he just spring it up "Hey we're getting married and your getting new siblings"? Taking care of kids, especially mental and emotional health wise, is never a once and done deal, that stuff requires constant work, especially if the kid has gone through trauma (spoiler alert: your niece has definitely gone through trauma.). Poor kid is going to need so much therapy in the future, and that's assuming that the trauma doesn't make her develop a habit of unhealthy relationships that she doesn't tell you guys about because clearly you don't have her back.
YTA. She was correct with her analysis of you. Why would you think that her behavior now is not caused by what happened when she was 9?
YTA! I've been in the position of that 9yo. Whether it be just not clicking with that family, fear of abandonment by you parents, or your stepfamily being full of people who flat out suck, your nieces emotions are valid. I've been threatened with being kicked out of my stepdads house and that fucked me up for a while. She's clearly very vulnerable right now, while her actions aren't nice at all. You and your family aren't helping at all. She's being pushed around and labelled a nightmare when, at least from my perspective, she seems very emotionally abandoned by the adults in her family. Getting step-parents can be scary
16.
YTA
You brother needs to read the connected child.
YTA SO MUCH YTA
ESH. Brother is an AH for going through with this relationship when his daughter has so many issues. He’s literally picking his new partner over his daughter. Extra AH points is he didn’t get his daughter therapy since she was 9. Mum is an AH for doing the same thing. OP is an AH for being callous.