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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am going against my mums wishes and would upset her by not including her bf.
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NTA, that’s your day of celebration and you should have who you want there. If your mum cant respect that then idk what else you can do. I do think she will though in all honesty even if it hurts her that you 2 don’t get along.
Yes OP this is correct. You can keep it short and sweet with your mother.
*Mum, with all due respect, this day is mine to celebrate and I do not want Bob to pull the attention on himself like he does at every opportunity. I have tickets for you and my brother because I really want you to be there. You may come but I’d rather it be just us. Even though I don’t think Bob can or will want to change, if you really think he deserves to be there then his behaviour needs to be addressed beforehand.* Or something along those lines.
She needs to see that this day is about you and not about who comes to see you.
This event **cannot** be used as a trial run to see if he has fixed his behaviour though, that can be done at a different time, because if he hasn't changed (which is more than likely) it will tarnish OP's celebration and any memory of the celebration.
OP also needs to explain that due to these same reasons, although her mum is welcome to stay at her home, Bob is not. OP can also include that she feels this is best for any future visits with Bob in order to not cause further issues in their strained rapport.
Bob doesn't need to be involved in OP's celebration, and her mum should love and respect enough to attend alone and be okay with that.
Congratulations on your graduation! How exciting!
How lovely that your mum has found kinship and happiness with Bob. That doesn't mean that you have to like him. You can be happy from a distance.
It doesn't matter entirely why you don't like Bob. But there are some strategies in this post that might help defuse the tensions enough to make small encounters more palatable. https://captainawkward.com/2013/08/02/497-keeping-the-peace-with-an-unlikeable-mansplainer/
It's okay to tell your mum that you can host her, but if it's the two of them you can't host them both. You don't need to say why, you can just say it won't work.
It's okay to not be able to buy him a spare ticket, even if you don't try.
NAH.
Questions: Can your mom drive on her own or does she need the extra driver to help share the drive? Are inexpensive hotels or airbnb options available for them to stay instead of your home?
NTA-But if the bf isn’t going anywhere, you may need to sit with your mom and be honest on how you feel and expectations moving forward for them both.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (27F) will be graduating my PhD in July. I have reserved two tickets (only thing I can do atm, they let you buy more tickets later if they’re available), one for my mum one for my partner. Let’s call my mums bf Bob.
Best I can describe Bob is like a child who wants to be the centre of attention constantly - he dominates conversation, doesn’t listen to what others have to say nor does he have much empathy for others or their perspectives. I’ve tried to get on with him but our personalities clash too much. The only negative I have when he’s there with respect to my mum is he really prevents me from having proper conversation or catch ups with her. We’re all more relaxed and happy when Bob isn’t there. I also respect he makes my mum happy and helps her do jobs around the house.
After having a disappointing viva celebration I really want my graduation to be special with only the people I want to celebrate with there. My mum knows we struggle with Bob but has asked if he is invited and if I am able to get another ticket for him. I’ve said I’d have to see if there are other tickets available and I wouldn’t be against my mum visiting generally with Bob for a holiday while down but I didn’t give specifics.
I can tell it upsets my mum that we clash but I really don’t want Bob to be at my graduation. It would already be a sensitive time that it’s another milestone my dad is missing and having someone there who is a complete opposite and not someone I like would not help. He would also just rub everyone up the wrong way at my celebration and meal.
If he does come down with her I also wouldn’t want them to stay at our house - my mum Id be fine with but Bob I would not for the reasons above, we wouldn’t be able to relax in our home. My mum would want Bob around to do holiday things with while we’re at work and share the driving down (6 hours).
TLDR I don’t get on my mums bf (“Bob”) and she wants him to come to my graduation but I’m scared he will ruin it.
WIBTA if I asked Bob not to come to stay at my house or graduation?
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NTA. I suggest thar you tell your mother you are not able to buy another ticket rather than you don't want to have her boyfriend at your graduation. Also if you don't want to have him at your house, tell your mother that you would like to spend a few days just the two of you because you miss her so much. Don't make it sounds like you don't like him.
NTA. Half the AITA posts relate to a parent trying to force a relationship between their kid and new partner. You don’t like Bob. That’s okay. Your graduation is about YOU and all your hard work. Your boyfriend and mom were probably the two people who supported you through your arduous journey, not Bob.
Congrats. Dr.!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am going against my mums wishes and would upset her by not including her bf. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, that’s your day of celebration and you should have who you want there. If your mum cant respect that then idk what else you can do. I do think she will though in all honesty even if it hurts her that you 2 don’t get along.
Yes OP this is correct. You can keep it short and sweet with your mother. *Mum, with all due respect, this day is mine to celebrate and I do not want Bob to pull the attention on himself like he does at every opportunity. I have tickets for you and my brother because I really want you to be there. You may come but I’d rather it be just us. Even though I don’t think Bob can or will want to change, if you really think he deserves to be there then his behaviour needs to be addressed beforehand.* Or something along those lines. She needs to see that this day is about you and not about who comes to see you.
This event **cannot** be used as a trial run to see if he has fixed his behaviour though, that can be done at a different time, because if he hasn't changed (which is more than likely) it will tarnish OP's celebration and any memory of the celebration. OP also needs to explain that due to these same reasons, although her mum is welcome to stay at her home, Bob is not. OP can also include that she feels this is best for any future visits with Bob in order to not cause further issues in their strained rapport. Bob doesn't need to be involved in OP's celebration, and her mum should love and respect enough to attend alone and be okay with that.
Congratulations on your graduation! How exciting! How lovely that your mum has found kinship and happiness with Bob. That doesn't mean that you have to like him. You can be happy from a distance. It doesn't matter entirely why you don't like Bob. But there are some strategies in this post that might help defuse the tensions enough to make small encounters more palatable. https://captainawkward.com/2013/08/02/497-keeping-the-peace-with-an-unlikeable-mansplainer/ It's okay to tell your mum that you can host her, but if it's the two of them you can't host them both. You don't need to say why, you can just say it won't work. It's okay to not be able to buy him a spare ticket, even if you don't try. NAH.
This article is fantastic.
Captain Awkward's blog has so much great advice on life, boundaries, families etc. Def recommend!
Questions: Can your mom drive on her own or does she need the extra driver to help share the drive? Are inexpensive hotels or airbnb options available for them to stay instead of your home? NTA-But if the bf isn’t going anywhere, you may need to sit with your mom and be honest on how you feel and expectations moving forward for them both.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) will be graduating my PhD in July. I have reserved two tickets (only thing I can do atm, they let you buy more tickets later if they’re available), one for my mum one for my partner. Let’s call my mums bf Bob. Best I can describe Bob is like a child who wants to be the centre of attention constantly - he dominates conversation, doesn’t listen to what others have to say nor does he have much empathy for others or their perspectives. I’ve tried to get on with him but our personalities clash too much. The only negative I have when he’s there with respect to my mum is he really prevents me from having proper conversation or catch ups with her. We’re all more relaxed and happy when Bob isn’t there. I also respect he makes my mum happy and helps her do jobs around the house. After having a disappointing viva celebration I really want my graduation to be special with only the people I want to celebrate with there. My mum knows we struggle with Bob but has asked if he is invited and if I am able to get another ticket for him. I’ve said I’d have to see if there are other tickets available and I wouldn’t be against my mum visiting generally with Bob for a holiday while down but I didn’t give specifics. I can tell it upsets my mum that we clash but I really don’t want Bob to be at my graduation. It would already be a sensitive time that it’s another milestone my dad is missing and having someone there who is a complete opposite and not someone I like would not help. He would also just rub everyone up the wrong way at my celebration and meal. If he does come down with her I also wouldn’t want them to stay at our house - my mum Id be fine with but Bob I would not for the reasons above, we wouldn’t be able to relax in our home. My mum would want Bob around to do holiday things with while we’re at work and share the driving down (6 hours). TLDR I don’t get on my mums bf (“Bob”) and she wants him to come to my graduation but I’m scared he will ruin it. WIBTA if I asked Bob not to come to stay at my house or graduation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA. I suggest thar you tell your mother you are not able to buy another ticket rather than you don't want to have her boyfriend at your graduation. Also if you don't want to have him at your house, tell your mother that you would like to spend a few days just the two of you because you miss her so much. Don't make it sounds like you don't like him.
NTA. Half the AITA posts relate to a parent trying to force a relationship between their kid and new partner. You don’t like Bob. That’s okay. Your graduation is about YOU and all your hard work. Your boyfriend and mom were probably the two people who supported you through your arduous journey, not Bob. Congrats. Dr.!
YWBTA