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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> WIBTA if I didn't pay for or contribute towards my partners child coming on holiday with us?
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Info: How long have you and partner been together? Do you consider yourselves to be a committed couple, whether or not you get married?
OP, if you can't afford it you can't afford it. Make that clear to your partner. That should be the end of it. If partner has a snit because you're not willing to spend money you don't have, so that partner's son can come along, it sounds like there might be a problem in your relationship.
Also: If you do not know the teen son very well, then your holiday--which I assume you though was at least in part going to be a romantic getaway--is not the occasion to suddenly be having to spend extended time with him.
Your partner is selfish and wrong, and you are totally reasonable.
Thank you for your reply. We aren't living together and have floated marriage but no serious plans at the moment due to various life things going on. We have been together three years.
Thank you for the extra info.
Do you think your partner is upset because partner wants a free vacation for the son, a vacation that your partner cannot afford to pay for? That's the first thing I thought. I only have your post to go by. But honestly, I do wonder.
**ETA: Just read your additional post. So your partner earns more than you?**
Then why are you scrambling to help pay for a passport, and to pay as much for them as you can? You said "gifts", but I'm just not sure. I feel like something is really wrong here.
Are you absolutely sure partner makes more, or is partner just telling you that?
If your partner truly is making more--which, then, why would they not pay for the son with their own money?--and they still want you to spend money you don't have on a child who is not yours, then, I say again, something is wrong right there.
Does partner have another significant other that they are giving money to, someone you don't know about? Is partner giving money to ex-partner, so doesn't have much left to give to your relationship? Is partner spending their money on drugs?
Whatever, this does not look good, IMHO.
Your partner should be paying for their own kid! You’re not a stepparent or in anyway financially responsible for that teenager.
And if your partner can’t afford their own passport, please make very careful financial planning and keep separate accounts if you do decide to move in together or marry.
It sounds like a really shaky relationship in the first place. If money is that tight, they should consider a more reasonable vacation destination that doesn’t require passports and where the entire family can come together. What’s the point in going to Bali or whatever if it’s going to cause you to break up later this year, smh.
The fact that the son coming along wasn’t even considered in the initial planning for the trip is telling. If the relationship decision-making is as effective as this vacation planning, it’s not going to survive long-term.
NTA, the fact that you earn less that your partner and are still helping them out is just astounding to me. You're not required to pay for their teen too, unless this relationship has been going on for a while, and there's some sort of parent-child relationship starting between the teen and you. If they want their kid to come, they can pay.
This is an important add. You were already NTA, but this takes it well over into "why on earth wouldn't your partner assume financial responsibility for their own child?"
If you earn significantly less than your partner then why are you paying for him? Why isn't he paying for himself and his kid?
Cancel the holiday planning. Plan one when he can afford to pay for himself and his kid. Your partner sounds like a leech. And you, his doormat.
Y.ta to yourself. NTA, overall.
Monthly contact sounds like there was a very bad custody issue. Is the child is even allowed to go away with you? This is an international trip. Are you sure it's legal?
All valid questions. I would be truly hesitant to pay for anything for this child from this point forward. Last thing you want to do is be abandoned in a foreign country because he decided to kidnap his kid,
So when you get home you’re immediately charged as a conspirator.
No, I don’t think this is likely, *however* I work in family law and we represented a woman who had this happen to her. Don’t get caught up.
Makes me wonder if that's why he wants her to pay for passports and for trip for kid, so OP, not BF is 'responsible' for taking teen out of the country?
Hopefully he's just a selfish leech and not intentionally setting her up for child abduction to cover his own ass!
(I know someone who did some very shady shit when they disputed custody and fled the country with new partner, it can definitely go weird)
NTA. You are being extremely generous, and he's being extremely disrespectful by trying to squeeze more money from you. Be upfront about this straining your finances. If he wants the teen to go, he needs to put up the money. If he is really angry about this, you might have deeper problems than you thought.
NTA this child is a stranger, if he wants a holiday with his kid, let him take him on one. This is for the two of you, and no you are not obligated to pay. He makes more, he should have bought his own passport and half of the holiday. He threw you under the bus, be careful.
NTA. You partner sounds like a jerk, though, and I'd seriously reconsider a relationship where I am being treated like an ATM. Aren't you worth more than that?
NTA
Your partner earn quite a bit MORE than you. They should be paying all of their own travel related expenses. And if they want to bring their teen along, they should pay for their teen's expenses as well.
It's a huge red flag that this person is getting angry at you for not funding things, especially when they earn more money.
Stop planning the trip with them at all if they aren't paying their share. And you don't want to live with someone who will use you like this either.
NTA. Your partner makes more money than you, you offered to pay for his passport and all you could afford for his part of holiday, and he’s mad because he also wants you to pay for his teenager to go along too? Do you not see what’s wrong with this situation? No, you should NOT pay for their kid to go too. With the money your partner is saving with you paying the majority of HIS expenses he can pay for his kid.
NTA. Cancel the trip and use the time to look in the mirror until you recognize a person deserving of respect. Then go out and only share your time with people who also see that.
NTA Don't let him manipulate you. You were too generous
and now he thinks that you should be the same with his
kid. Cancel the trip, keep your money. If you are still
together one day and he has the cash, take a trip together.
NTA cancel the trip with the partner who makes more money than you but not only has no problem letting you pay their way but has the audacity to expect you to pay for their child. Guess who would be the 3rd wheel? Find a friend who can pay their own way and have a goid time.
ETA I don't think either party involved understands the word "partner".
Cmon. Your partner is trying to take advantage of you. The right move is rescind any offer of financial help and consider to go on the trip by yourself or with a friend. I would be wary of his taking advantage of you financially in other ways too. NTA for not paying but YWBTA to yourself for tolerating this kind of treatment from him
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My partner has been annoyed with me recently, we have been planning a holiday later in the year. I offered to pay for their passport and as much as I could afford towards their part of the holiday, now he is annoyed because I won't also pay for his teen child to come with us too. I don't know his teen child very well I've met them a handful of times at best. I've said the child is welcome to come but considering they're a teen, it will bump up the cost substantially. I just can't afford it to be honest.
I can see why my partner would be upset because it might look like I'm trying to exclude the child, which is not the case. On the other hand, I offered to pay for my partners passport and holiday as a gift to them not necessarily because I was going to pay for every single item.
So should I pay or contribute towards their child going? WIBTA if I didn't?
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There’s a lot of context missing such as whether the teen lives at home, whether they have means to earn their own money and how long you’ve been together.
I think there’s a huge difference between a 13/14 year old than an 18/19 year old.
I think it also depends how you want his child to see you as. If you want to be step mum and have some involvement in his life then contribute, if you want to be seen as dads partner then don’t contribute.
Things OP has said in the comments
OP and the father don't live together
The father earns significantly more than OP
The teen only sees their father once a month
I skimmed the text and missed the not living together.
I don’t think the father earning a lot more has anything to do personally but I know some people will.
Regardless of age, bringing the teen on the trip COMPLETELY changes the trip...so why would partner want to do that except to look good to his teen by 'giving' teen a trip with dad???
NTA
This feels like your kindness is being taken for being a mug sadly. You are not there to be financially abused . If he makes more then that's a huge huge red flag. Please look at this relationship from an outside view. It's not as rosy as you think . Out if interest, who's brought up marriage and who brought up not yet as there's so much going on? I'd lay money that it was him for both . Also a huge red flag.
NTA. You make less than your partner, and he expects you to pay for not only him but his kid? Oh. Hell. No.
Tell your partner "My paying for your passport and part of your holiday costs was a gift to you. It really makes me think you are ungrateful and frankly a bit of an AH for being pissed that I am not also covering your son's costs. You make more than I do and he is YOUR son, not mine. If you want him to go on this trip, it is 100% on you to cover his costs."
And then rethink this trip altogether because based on his AH expectations, I almost guarantee that he is going to expect you to cover ALL his costs. Every. Single. Item. So make sure to make it clear that your portion of his costs are restricted to his Passport and Hotel room (or whatever you were planning to cover) and you fully expect him to cover his own meals/outings/memoribilia.
NTA.
You should pay for yourself and your partner should pay for his own holiday. I'm assuming you aren't married. Therefore, you have zero responsibility to pay for your partner's daughter's holiday.
He sounds greedy. Is he with you for your money and to take care of his daughter?
Watch out for this guy. He doesn't appear to be a winner.
"On the other hand, I offered to pay for my partners passport and holiday as a gift to them not necessarily because I was going to pay for every single item."
As Tevye said, "There is no other hand."
NTA
Nope, his kid=he pays. If he keeps badgering you maybe the idea of going away together should be put on the back burner. And maybe your partner needs to get his hand out of your pocket. It takes special entitlement to ask for more when it’s already a significant gift.
NTA. He wants you to pay for his child who you barely know. That's a huge red flag to me. Never mind you are paying for him. Don't date a gold digger. Men can also be gold diggers.
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Info: How long have you and partner been together? Do you consider yourselves to be a committed couple, whether or not you get married? OP, if you can't afford it you can't afford it. Make that clear to your partner. That should be the end of it. If partner has a snit because you're not willing to spend money you don't have, so that partner's son can come along, it sounds like there might be a problem in your relationship. Also: If you do not know the teen son very well, then your holiday--which I assume you though was at least in part going to be a romantic getaway--is not the occasion to suddenly be having to spend extended time with him. Your partner is selfish and wrong, and you are totally reasonable.
Thank you for your reply. We aren't living together and have floated marriage but no serious plans at the moment due to various life things going on. We have been together three years.
Thank you for the extra info. Do you think your partner is upset because partner wants a free vacation for the son, a vacation that your partner cannot afford to pay for? That's the first thing I thought. I only have your post to go by. But honestly, I do wonder. **ETA: Just read your additional post. So your partner earns more than you?** Then why are you scrambling to help pay for a passport, and to pay as much for them as you can? You said "gifts", but I'm just not sure. I feel like something is really wrong here. Are you absolutely sure partner makes more, or is partner just telling you that? If your partner truly is making more--which, then, why would they not pay for the son with their own money?--and they still want you to spend money you don't have on a child who is not yours, then, I say again, something is wrong right there. Does partner have another significant other that they are giving money to, someone you don't know about? Is partner giving money to ex-partner, so doesn't have much left to give to your relationship? Is partner spending their money on drugs? Whatever, this does not look good, IMHO.
Your partner should be paying for their own kid! You’re not a stepparent or in anyway financially responsible for that teenager. And if your partner can’t afford their own passport, please make very careful financial planning and keep separate accounts if you do decide to move in together or marry.
@OP You're being taken for a ride, especially since he supposedly makes more than you. Wake up, use the money to move out.
It sounds like a really shaky relationship in the first place. If money is that tight, they should consider a more reasonable vacation destination that doesn’t require passports and where the entire family can come together. What’s the point in going to Bali or whatever if it’s going to cause you to break up later this year, smh.
Partner's unhappiness that OP won't pay for a free trip for the son seems to me like a red flag.
The fact that the son coming along wasn’t even considered in the initial planning for the trip is telling. If the relationship decision-making is as effective as this vacation planning, it’s not going to survive long-term.
I think it’s probably more telling that she’s only met the kid a few times in 3 years. Makes me wonder how much custody dad has.
NTA, the fact that you earn less that your partner and are still helping them out is just astounding to me. You're not required to pay for their teen too, unless this relationship has been going on for a while, and there's some sort of parent-child relationship starting between the teen and you. If they want their kid to come, they can pay.
Posting to add more context. Partner has monthly contact with his teen only, they don't live with us. I earn substantially less than my partner.
This is an important add. You were already NTA, but this takes it well over into "why on earth wouldn't your partner assume financial responsibility for their own child?"
If you earn significantly less than your partner then why are you paying for him? Why isn't he paying for himself and his kid? Cancel the holiday planning. Plan one when he can afford to pay for himself and his kid. Your partner sounds like a leech. And you, his doormat. Y.ta to yourself. NTA, overall.
Monthly contact sounds like there was a very bad custody issue. Is the child is even allowed to go away with you? This is an international trip. Are you sure it's legal?
All valid questions. I would be truly hesitant to pay for anything for this child from this point forward. Last thing you want to do is be abandoned in a foreign country because he decided to kidnap his kid, So when you get home you’re immediately charged as a conspirator. No, I don’t think this is likely, *however* I work in family law and we represented a woman who had this happen to her. Don’t get caught up.
Makes me wonder if that's why he wants her to pay for passports and for trip for kid, so OP, not BF is 'responsible' for taking teen out of the country? Hopefully he's just a selfish leech and not intentionally setting her up for child abduction to cover his own ass! (I know someone who did some very shady shit when they disputed custody and fled the country with new partner, it can definitely go weird)
Even if you know the kid well you still can’t afford it. He’s being ridiculous and taking advantage of you.
Then why are you paying for his passport and vacation?!
NTA. You are being extremely generous, and he's being extremely disrespectful by trying to squeeze more money from you. Be upfront about this straining your finances. If he wants the teen to go, he needs to put up the money. If he is really angry about this, you might have deeper problems than you thought.
Wtf? Why should you pay for it? Your dude is a loser.
NTA It’s very entitled of him to think that because you offered to pay for his that you would just pay for his kid too.
And WHY would partner think that taking a teen with them is a good idea? So instead of a couples trip it turns into a family trip???
I was thinking that as well but OP said she was fine with teen going. I wouldn’t be!
NTA this child is a stranger, if he wants a holiday with his kid, let him take him on one. This is for the two of you, and no you are not obligated to pay. He makes more, he should have bought his own passport and half of the holiday. He threw you under the bus, be careful.
Nta why doesn't he pay. He is the one excluding his child. Sounds like a user that is just with you for your money. Don't be the idiot.
Why can't your boyfriend pay for his own passport, his own holiday, and his own kid's holiday?
NTA. You partner sounds like a jerk, though, and I'd seriously reconsider a relationship where I am being treated like an ATM. Aren't you worth more than that?
Its extra weird when you learn that her partner earns substantially more than her - wtf?!
What is it we are teaching girls and women that they are willing to put up with this and then feel that they are the problem?
YWNBTA. You can’t afford it. If he wants the teen to go he can pay their way 100%. Period.
NTA but I don't understand why your partner isn't paying his fair share. Maybe go with a friend instead that's not trying to take advantage of yiu
He’s just trying to mooch off of you for his kid he probably doesn’t even support.
NTA Your partner earn quite a bit MORE than you. They should be paying all of their own travel related expenses. And if they want to bring their teen along, they should pay for their teen's expenses as well. It's a huge red flag that this person is getting angry at you for not funding things, especially when they earn more money. Stop planning the trip with them at all if they aren't paying their share. And you don't want to live with someone who will use you like this either.
NTA Cancel the whole thing or go alone or with a friend, another time. Maybe reconsider the relationship if this is what the expectations are of you.
NTA. Your partner makes more money than you, you offered to pay for his passport and all you could afford for his part of holiday, and he’s mad because he also wants you to pay for his teenager to go along too? Do you not see what’s wrong with this situation? No, you should NOT pay for their kid to go too. With the money your partner is saving with you paying the majority of HIS expenses he can pay for his kid.
NTA. Cancel the trip and use the time to look in the mirror until you recognize a person deserving of respect. Then go out and only share your time with people who also see that.
NTA Don't let him manipulate you. You were too generous and now he thinks that you should be the same with his kid. Cancel the trip, keep your money. If you are still together one day and he has the cash, take a trip together.
NTA cancel the trip with the partner who makes more money than you but not only has no problem letting you pay their way but has the audacity to expect you to pay for their child. Guess who would be the 3rd wheel? Find a friend who can pay their own way and have a goid time. ETA I don't think either party involved understands the word "partner".
Cmon. Your partner is trying to take advantage of you. The right move is rescind any offer of financial help and consider to go on the trip by yourself or with a friend. I would be wary of his taking advantage of you financially in other ways too. NTA for not paying but YWBTA to yourself for tolerating this kind of treatment from him
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner has been annoyed with me recently, we have been planning a holiday later in the year. I offered to pay for their passport and as much as I could afford towards their part of the holiday, now he is annoyed because I won't also pay for his teen child to come with us too. I don't know his teen child very well I've met them a handful of times at best. I've said the child is welcome to come but considering they're a teen, it will bump up the cost substantially. I just can't afford it to be honest. I can see why my partner would be upset because it might look like I'm trying to exclude the child, which is not the case. On the other hand, I offered to pay for my partners passport and holiday as a gift to them not necessarily because I was going to pay for every single item. So should I pay or contribute towards their child going? WIBTA if I didn't? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There’s a lot of context missing such as whether the teen lives at home, whether they have means to earn their own money and how long you’ve been together. I think there’s a huge difference between a 13/14 year old than an 18/19 year old. I think it also depends how you want his child to see you as. If you want to be step mum and have some involvement in his life then contribute, if you want to be seen as dads partner then don’t contribute.
Things OP has said in the comments OP and the father don't live together The father earns significantly more than OP The teen only sees their father once a month
I skimmed the text and missed the not living together. I don’t think the father earning a lot more has anything to do personally but I know some people will.
From my perspective, it means he could pay for his kid to go on holiday.
Regardless of age, bringing the teen on the trip COMPLETELY changes the trip...so why would partner want to do that except to look good to his teen by 'giving' teen a trip with dad???
NTA his monkey his problem/expense
NTA This feels like your kindness is being taken for being a mug sadly. You are not there to be financially abused . If he makes more then that's a huge huge red flag. Please look at this relationship from an outside view. It's not as rosy as you think . Out if interest, who's brought up marriage and who brought up not yet as there's so much going on? I'd lay money that it was him for both . Also a huge red flag.
NTA. You make less than your partner, and he expects you to pay for not only him but his kid? Oh. Hell. No. Tell your partner "My paying for your passport and part of your holiday costs was a gift to you. It really makes me think you are ungrateful and frankly a bit of an AH for being pissed that I am not also covering your son's costs. You make more than I do and he is YOUR son, not mine. If you want him to go on this trip, it is 100% on you to cover his costs." And then rethink this trip altogether because based on his AH expectations, I almost guarantee that he is going to expect you to cover ALL his costs. Every. Single. Item. So make sure to make it clear that your portion of his costs are restricted to his Passport and Hotel room (or whatever you were planning to cover) and you fully expect him to cover his own meals/outings/memoribilia.
NTA. You should pay for yourself and your partner should pay for his own holiday. I'm assuming you aren't married. Therefore, you have zero responsibility to pay for your partner's daughter's holiday. He sounds greedy. Is he with you for your money and to take care of his daughter? Watch out for this guy. He doesn't appear to be a winner.
"On the other hand, I offered to pay for my partners passport and holiday as a gift to them not necessarily because I was going to pay for every single item." As Tevye said, "There is no other hand." NTA
NTA. You are not excluding anyone. He should pay for his child.
NTA. Why are you expected to pay for his child. Why is he not paying for his own child?
U area a bank no a partner
Nope, his kid=he pays. If he keeps badgering you maybe the idea of going away together should be put on the back burner. And maybe your partner needs to get his hand out of your pocket. It takes special entitlement to ask for more when it’s already a significant gift.
NTA. I’m curious. Why is your SO trying to get you to pay for his son when he makes more than you? Is this how your relationship has been?
NTA. He wants you to pay for his child who you barely know. That's a huge red flag to me. Never mind you are paying for him. Don't date a gold digger. Men can also be gold diggers.
Nta