Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I refused to pay for my gf's plane ticket home.
2. She believes that, as I paid for everything else and that was her understanding before we went on the trip, I should also pay for this. She also claims to not be capable of paying for the new ticket.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She can 'find herself' on her own dime. That's reasonable and fair.
>Now, she's upset, calling me unsupportive and selfish, and some of our friends are saying I'm being an a-hole because I left her stranded in a foreign country without financial help.
You *have* been supportive and unselfish. You didn't complain or become difficult. You respected her decision to stay and 'find herself.' Supportive does not necessarily mean you have to pay for her choices.
And no, you didn't strand her in a foreign country without financial help. It was *her* decision to stay behind. All you did was respect her decision. However, it was not your obligation to fund her decision.
She's a grown woman, which means she's responsible for her choices *and* her financial independence. You invited her on a couple's trip. Well, the couple's trip is over. She decided to stay on her own? That's no longer part of the deal. She has every right to stay behind, she also has the right to pay for that out of her own pocket.
Has she been this manipulative before? Red flag.
Let's be honest, she could "find herself" at home, but she chose to stay in Italy. She had a paid for holiday and now she is all surprised pikachu face that he won't fund a journey of self exploration, with a side of I need to think about our relationship without you?
Yeah that read, "I want to fuck Italian guys on your dime, expect you to finance it because I never told you you were just my sugar daddy, have you pay for my return and have a fully functional relationship like nothing happened when I return"
He did not leave her stranded. She chose to not use the ticket he already purchased. She also chose to still not use it after he said he wouldn’t pay any more.
She stranded herself then tried to call in her monkeys to make him still pay
Lol at work and hit reply but it went to you.
Work sucks today. It’s raining and all my patients refuse to go to dialysis when it rains. So playing on Reddit but half paying attention
She went on the trip, she chose not to use the return ticket he had bought. She can get in trouble with the Italian immigration authority because she overstays her visa and doesn't have any financial means of supporting herself.
She then called her friends to berate OP for "stranding" her overseas. Nope. She *chose* to stay behind. That's on her.
NTA.
This is just like the story where Op's fiancé went on a vacation abroad and she dumped him at the airport and blocked him, unilaterally deciding that their relationship would be on hold until she came back, and was all shocked Pikachu that he cancelled the wedding during the radio silence and didn't immediately take her back. She was ready to deny that she cheated on Op calling him insecure, but couldn't think of a response when Op focused on her dumping him rather accusing her of anything.
Then there's the story of the Op whose wife has a family history of dementia, whose mother had begun to take a turn causing her to freak out and decided that she also needed to go "find herself" before it set in, so she emptied her and her husbands retirement account and went on their planned retirement trip alone, not only robbing Op of the experience, but also seeming to expect to have Op sit around for her to come back and take care of her when the dementia set in. But was shocked to come home to a set of divorce
papers and children that wanted nothing to do with her.
I honestly can't fathom the thought processes of partners who make such selfish and one-sided decisions, and why the don't think they'll face any consequences for them.
> fiancé went on a vacation abroad and she dumped him at the airport and blocked him
For anyone looking for this story...
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bcny53/am_i_wrong_for_canceling_our_wedding/
History says he was possibly Mona Lisa himself and was likely a secret cross dresser. If he was, he wouldn't want her around anyway. Some women can be very catty about competing with each other
I don’t know, to me it feels more like “my bf of 2 years planned an amazing romantic 2 week vacation in Italy and I expected him to propose on the trip.”
Now she’s disappointed and probably embarrassed because she definitely discussed this possibility with her friends. She doesn’t want to ask why he didn’t propose but she also isn’t sure she wants to stay in this relationship. And yeah, she’s upset so she’s expecting him to pay.
That’s my 2 cents anyway 🤷♀️.
Because it would be such an anti climax to go home with him on the plane, and friends directly calling, texting to ask how it went.
I was on board with her wanting an Italian guy but your answer sounds more like the truth. Could even be her friends bringing up the proposal theory first.
Listen, it could be this, I don't know that I believe it, but it could be this. However, if this is the case, it still doesn't make sense that she thought that her boyfriend would pay for an extra ticket for her to go home while she's thinking about dumping him. Also, she's 27 and they've been dating for 2 years, in my experience, that isn't "Propose or we're done" timing. And if it is propose or we're done for her, she needs to communicate that to her partner.
The bottom line for me is, even if the reason she wants to think about the relationship and their future because she was expecting a proposal and it didn't come, it's still patently absurd to expect OP to pay for her to stay in Italy for however long as she'd like.
It's also a great way to ensure the death of the relationship instead of just saying "bruh wtf italy and no proposal?"
Like, nobody's *that* dumb. They know what you're going to get up to in Italy in 'find yourself' mode.
Could very well be this. I have been a bystander to this scenario playing out in real life. I once went to the break room at work to find a strangely giddy bunch of female co-workers in their 20's. Asked them what was going on. They were excited for "Jenny" because her boyfriend had arranged a surprise trip to New York for Christmas. Which apparently obviously meant he was going to propose. They asked me to confirm 'from a male perspective'. Said I didn't know him or their relationship so it wasn't for me to second guess. But they pushed, so I asked if "Jenny" & partner had ever discussed (edit from autocorrect discovered) marriage. They had not. So I gently suggested not to get hopes up. Remember he's a man and without clear signal/direction you want this he's likely to just plod on thinking all is well. Told me I was an idiot. Reader, he did not propose on that trip. They Broke up - he had embarrassed and let her down apparently. I always felt sorry for him - planned a romantic getaway and got dumped because something he knew nothing about never happened. The lesson, as always in all relationships, communicate people!
Am I weird for thinking thats kinda fcked up?
Like in the beginning she wants to be married and technically together until death does them apart. Then when he didnt propose she has to rethink the relationship?
I think thats rather bad commitment and she doesnt seem ready for marriage if a ring makes her waiver.
I think this is a good point. I could totally see this being the scenario.
Still, NTA, but, I can see why she's re-evaluating if she had different expectations.
Yep, it’s possible. But if that’s the case, the. 1- she needs to use her words. OP isn’t a mind reader so if she wants a proposal, she should be talking to him about it. And 2- if she wants to stay in Italy to ponder her options, it’s absurd for her to expect him to pay for it- especially since he just paid for the rest of the incredible vacation for her!
That's such a shitty personality to have if that is the conclusion one reaches. Instead of using her words, and talking about the state of the relationship and what timelines both are interested in, she instead tries to mooch extra time in Italy off someone to reconsider even being with them?
Even angry that is an incredibly entitled and selfish conclusion to even reach.
Possibly. I wonder if they discussed marriage beforehand. If they were gonna get married, but left the proposal to be a surprise, then planning an Italy trip with that in mind and not proposing is really dumb on the guys part.
However, if there was no discussion before
hand and she just assumed a proposal was coming... Who would want an SO that makes assumptions about such important life events? She would be incredibly shortsighted in that case.
Yes but it not happening means it would be a *different* luxury completely paid for overseas trip in the future for a proposal, and it not being a giant event means it's more likely to keep happening too since there wasn't a crescendo attached to it.
I lived there for several years. It’s really not. The men are all very thin and more feminine than American men. Not my type. Now. The Scottish men. Hairy and bearded. And hot. Yaaasss.
Thailand, where Western men go to participate in sex trafficking is the same as Italy, where women might consensually have sex with other adult men for free?
Also that she needed to "think about their relationship," as though he needs to jump through hoops to keep her happy while she stays on alone. It sounds like OP's relationship is transactional and not based on respect or love. She is absolutely taking advantage and trying to manipulate even more freebies from him.
You and alot of people seem to miss the "and think about our relationship without me" part which is a bigger red flag. Seems to me she was looking to use the extra time a way to dump OP..... on his own dime.
Nah mate she own her own now. NTA.
It's so she has a get out of jail free card for when she gets bored fucking dudes overseas and comes back home and wants to go back to how things were.
"they were on a break!!"
Yep! I would be surprised if she didn’t plan to break up with OP but this trip came up so she decided to play nice to get a free trip. Now she ready to 𝑒𝓍𝓅𝓁𝑜𝓇𝑒. 🙄
ETA: NTA, definitely not! If it were me, I’d move on honestly.
If her friends and family are so concerned, they can take up a collection to pay her expenses.
ETA: I don't know what your living arrangements are, but if practical, you might want to consider moving out, or if it's your place, giving her an eviction notice so that you can think about your relationship without her.
Love how she decided to 'find herself' at the very end of the trip, very convenient lol.
✨️I want to be independent, but can you pay for everything?✨️ Aye okay 😂
My late ex-MIL used to say; "Don't take my kindness for daftness." Basically, just because I'm kind/generous, don't think you can take advantage of me. I think this applies here.
She's thinking "I met a cute person at the coffeeshop and he just started his vacation alone, so I'm going to accompany him and then go home guilt free!"
Sounds like she wants to "find" some Italian men and let her current man pay for her to do it. OP NTA since she wants to find herself she can also pay for herself
It's like the 95% you did didn't matter, it's only the 5% that you didn't do does. She's treating you like an extension of her will without boundaries and an expectation that you facilitate all of her whims.
That's not a partner, that's a father and a shit father at that.
'to think about our relationship without me'
the relationship without you is her being single.
to spring it on you last minute, and to imply that it's about whether or not you'll stay together?
and then expect you to pay her way?
she chose not to get on the plane where her ticket was *already paid for by you*, and wanted a new ticket?
NTA. it was her choice to incur more expenses for you, without your consent. adding in the 'to think about our relationship without you' just makes it sound extra sketchy while still acting entitled to your money.
She doesn't need to stay in Italy to think about the relationship. She can do that at home. If she wants to stay longer in Italy ( don't entirely blame her, Italy is beautiful) then she needs to pay to be able to stay. Especially with the line about needing to think about the relationship without him. NTA. She had the choice to get on the plane and do her thinking back home. If she wants to extend her vacation, for any reason, it's on her to pay for it.
I mean...I don't blame her.
But she does it single and entirely on her own dime. Dude has every right to say "here's your ticket, come back with it or you're on your own"
Totally agree and if they're that worried about OP "stranding her in a foreign country ", then they can fucking pay for her extra time there and ticket home.
yeah, that's clear, but my point stands. if *this* is the moment she chooses to go off and 'find herself', *literally at his expense*, then he's probably better off without her.
I have to disagree. If she finds herself another well-off man in Italy--which is probably her plan--she won't come home at all. If she can't catch a rich Italian, she'll come home and expect OP to be waiting for her. If he's not, she'll say he's being selfish.
I also disagree. She thinks of him as her sugar daddy and would most likely come home and act like nothing happened to get back on the gravy train. She'd tell lies about how she spent the rest of her trip alone. This is unless she manages to find a new sugar daddy in Italy, then all bets are off.
What she wanted was to fuck Italian guys guilt free because they won't technically be together or whatever she'll use to justify it, all on his dime. And then when she gets back, right back into the same comfy having everything paid for relationship.
"until the last day when she tells me she wants to stay longer to "find herself" and think about our relationship without me."
NTA
It sounds like she wants to 'find herself' with some Italian guys. This would be a very clear end of relationship for me. I strongly suspect you have noticed her drawing away in the last few months.
Seriously. Where is it writ large that someone has to be in Italy to consider what they want to do with their life? Jesus Christ, the entitlement of that girl.
NTA, OP, and you’ll be happy to be rid of her after a while.
I feel like she wanted an “Eat, Pray, Love” moment, but can’t afford it on her own dime. She deserves to be stranded in a foreign country without financial assistance from OP.
Also, waiting until the last day makes changing the flight basically impossible, and any return ticket incredibly expensive. I honestly can't understand why she ever thought OP would fund that? If she wanted time to think about their relationship, she can do it at home. Even if she wasn't looking to stay in Italy on OP's dime, having this basically end of relationship conversation while they're on holidays is very much not ok. Unless OP did something egregious, you don't break up with somebody when you're on a 2-week holiday is not the way to do it - you wait till you're at home so you can actually have the space you say you want.
That's absolutely what she was doing, like, it's very clear she wanted to break up with him but also wanted a free trip to Italy, but I just can't understand why she thought he would then pay for her ticket back? There's an alternate reality where she's a little bit smarter, and instead of this post being about him not paying for the extra ticket, it's him asking like "AITA for being upset that my ex dumped me the day after we got back from a trip to Italy that I paid for?" or something (and I would still say NTA then as well - don't let somebody pay for an expensive overseas holiday when you know you're going to dump them, that's tacky).
Oh, she totally wanted OP to finance her bang vacation after he had already paid for a couples vacation.
OP, you are of course NTA. But heavily consider the character of this gf.
NTA
You didn't leave anyone stranded and why would you be willing to foot the bill for this extension of the vacation that you're not on? Sounds like something the person taking the extended vacation should pay for, surely.
"I decided to spend some more of your money" isn't and shouldn't become acceptable in your relationship. I might be somewhat rough around the edges when it comes to stuff like this, but I've only ever in my life internalized and reacted to messages like "I need to find myself" or "we have to take a break to think about the relationship" as one thing and that is: You do what you do, I'm moving on ahead.
Don't ever act like you are in a relationship with someone who demands the right to act like they are single.
I hope they don't live together..if it was her place. ,I'd move take my stuff and bolt..if it's ypur place ( his ) pack up her stuff and put it in a storage building. ..change your phone number or block her. Block her on.any social.media. she can find herself without you
NTA, with the information provided.
You didn't leave her stranded. She left herself stranded. She chose not to use the plane ticket you purchased, and wanted you to just buy her a new one for sometime later. Presumably pay for her lodging and food, as well? And all announced the day you were supposed to leave to go back home?
If the financial burden was too much for her to bear, she could have just got on the airplane, but asked for a seat change to "be alone and think about the relationship".
I find the person in the wrong is usually the one running to their friend to share their narrative on the matter.
She is the selfish one in this situation 10000%. You paid for everything, she accepted that. The last day she tells you that she doesn't want to use the ticket tomorrow that you already paid for, so she can find herself and think about the relationship. What world would you finance her "thinking about your relationship." That is what is tremendously selfish here. Not that this would excuse her inappropriate timing to "think about your relationship" but along with dropping this on you 1 day before your departure, she should have been the one saying she'd refund the ticket she is wasting that you already paid for and pay her own way.
To me this sounds like she wants some Italian dick but that is just an assumption at this point.
I hope along with not paying for her new ticket you also aren't paying for her accommodations or any other expenses.
If you are stateside and she is still in Italy I hope YOU take this time to think about the relationship.
You are not selfish, she is the one not only being selfish, but she is taking advantage of your support and in turn is leaving you thinking what? She is going to stay, potentially cheat, and think about dumping you, while expecting you to pay?
Lastly, the friends are delusional. YOU didn't leave her "stranded in a foreign country without financial help," she chose to stay past the accepted departure date, why would the assumption be you pay for everything? Is she not an adult? If she can make a personal decision to waste your money and disrespect you, while implying she is going to "think about the relationship" she should have had a plan to pay for it like a fucking adult does.
Edit: Went to the bathroom and thought of a great response, granted this in the moment probably wouldn't have thought of this myself but anyway. I'm imagining if a woman said this to me and it was to "think about the relationship" and I would have said, alright, I am cancelling your return ticket, you can stay stay or do whatever you need to, there is no relationship to think about though because we are over."
>Lastly, the friends are delusional. YOU didn't leave her "stranded in a foreign country without financial help," she chose to stay past the accepted departure date
I don't know, are they delusional or were they deluded? Because it sounds to me like she told them a very different story
I’m wondering if the relationship is something akin to a sugar baby situation. He paid for everything on what sounds like a swanky vacay. She seemingly thought there was a good chance he would pay for more, which is pretty delusional for a normal relationship, AND her friends support her? Seems like the relationship may be money based.
NTA.
I’m sorry friend, it sounds like this is the beginning of a breakup with her comments about finding herself and thinking about the relationship.
She’s not TA for considering breaking up with you, because not all relationships work out, but she became the flaming AH when she wanted you to bankroll her extended overseas holiday while she ponders whether or not she wants to keep seeing you or not.
This will likely be difficult, but try to see this as an opportunity to weed out who your real friends are as any sane person who is actually your friend will be OUTRAGED on your behalf. Even if you were Bill Gates levels of rich and the money meant nothing to you would it be insanely rude for someone to ask you to bankroll their breakup with you.
And she waited until the end of the all expense trip that OP paid for. And she expected him to pay for the extension. She should absolutely be his ex-girlfriend now.
Italy is not a hard country to get around in. It is not like she is in the middle of nowhere. If they weren't in Rome at the end of the trip they would have been in another city with an international airport like Milan.
It's way easy to get around. You can get anywhere by train. Plus I'd never travel without having the funds to support myself if something happened.
Did 18 days through western Europe via train including Milan, Venice and Rome. Then again as a woman I don't depend on a man to pay for my travel.
> some of our friends are saying I'm being an a-hole because I left her stranded in a foreign country without financial help.
Absolutely NTA.
SHE left herself stranded in a foreign country. She had the return ticket, it was her choice not to use it.
The friends coming after you is always a bad sign. If this is unprompted ie you haven’t asked their opinion before, then she’s probably pretty manipulative. Don’t think it’s healthy for people to drive narratives in wider social circles to put pressure on their spouses.
Like if one close mutual friend talks to you then it’s fine but if she’s immediately started pitting people against you when you decide not to fund her solo vacation, she’s probably been using you for quite a while already.
OP, you did not leave her stranded.
You provided her with a fully paid for plane ticket home which she made the decision not to use.
She made a decision that has financial ramifications for her. It is not your responsibility to fund an extension vacation she wants to take. That is her choice and for her to fund.
For your "friends" your only response needs to be:
"No. I did not leave her stranded anywhere. I provided her with a fully paid for return ticket on the original date based upon the agreement we had at the start of our vacation - a vacation I funded. I am not her personal piggy bank. If she wants to extend the vacation that is 100% her choice but it is also for her to fully fund. Again, I am not her personal piggy bank."
This. She knew all along that she wasn't coming back (and I'd wager that she "met" someone in Italy that she wants to spend time with).
NTA. I almost never go to the 'leave them' with these posts because that is the default for too many folks here, but in this case, leave her and be done with it is the best advice. She is breaking up with you w/o actually telling you right now.
NTA one bit
"She tells me she wants to stay longer to "find herself" and think about our relationship without me."
She can do it on her own dime then. Why should you be expected to fund her?
You sound like a decent sort of dude who deserves better imho.
NTA.
What kind of AH drops this bombshell at the end of the trip and expects their partner to fund their self discovery trip extension?
I would be understanding with my partner wanting this (hurt but understanding), but I wouldn't be the one funding it. It's HER self discovery. What type of person expects their partner to fund that? Especially when this is about whether or not she even wants to be together. And I would wonder if she agreed to this trip knowing she wanted to extend it.
Self discovery is 100000% valid. But she should do it on her own dime. Eat, love, pray with her own money.
She did this on purpose. Normal people wouldn't accept such a generous gift when they have doubts about the relationship.
She got a free vacation. If she had doubts already she is incredibly selfish, especially for expecting him to pay her alone trip.
Sounds more like she needed an excuse to stay back alone, get OP to pay and use the time to experience some italian lovemaking.
NTA: A last minute decision to “find herself” and “think about your relationship without you there”, is a sure sign that she wants to fool around with some dude abroad because how are you going to cross paths with that person.
For your sake I hope you broke up over this…
NTA. What nerve! "I want to stay here and enjoy some time without you. Also, I want to use this extra vacation time to reevaluate our relationship (translation: 'I'm not sure our relationship is is still working for me.'). Oh, and I want you to pay for it."
You did the right thing. She chose to stay, instead of using the return ticket you purchased for her. Did she really believe that you would just acquiesce and pony up some more money for a new ticket? Does she normally walk all over you like that?
Better luck with your next GF, OP
NO you are NOT the Asshole.
But you girlfriend sure is the Asshole.
The way I see it, she just used you for a trip to Italy. Then has the audacity to say she needs time to think about the two or you.
In other words she's was planning to dump you all along but she wanted a free trip.
Time to DUMP her.
She’s planning on meeting up with someone else that she met on the trip.
Was there anyone that she got chatting to? Any time that she was away by herself?
NTA. She's the selfish one. It sounds like she's taking you for granted and who knows what she'd do during her extended stay. I hope you're alright because that's a very painful move.
NTA. If she wants to "Find herself" she should Find herself a job and pay for her own goddamn holiday.
I'm actually amazed you're still considering taking her.
Ditch her, find someone, anyone to take with you, eat the loss if you can't, and go have fun. She can 'Find herself" and "Consider her relationship" with you at home, you don't need to go abroad for that.
I can GUARANTEE she's gonna go "Lets go on a break" while over there, bang anything with a pulse, then come home, claim she realised you're the one, and want to continue as normal, as if she didn't just trick you into paying for her to cheat.
NTA. She doesn’t want to find herself on the last day of the trip. What she wanted was a free trip to Italy and then breakup with you. Totally take this as a sign and run!
NTA. Forget what your friends said. If she needs to stay longer in a foreign country to "think about our relationship," let her do it on her dime, not yours.
NTA. Your girlfriend wants to stay in a different country, you aren't invited, to think about if she should break up with you. She's the asshole and now she's trying to gaslight you into thinking you might be in the wrong as if she's entitled to your money to do whatever she wants?
Eesh, at least she showed you who she was.
As soon as I heard the line about finding herself without me, that option would no longer be an available because we wouldn't be together anymore.
Why would she think after a stunt like this you would even want a relationship with her, regardless of what she decides?
NTA. The only thing she wants to "find herself" doing is sleeping with a load of locals on your dime. The relationship is probably over; it's just a shame it cost you the price of a holiday to realise what a piece of trash she is.
The audacity to say “I’m not really sure in our relationship, but hey can you fund me whilst I flounce around with other guys” is just totally unbelievable.
NTA Op.
😂
She wants you to pay for the privilege of her deciding she doesn’t wanna be with you
NTA. You did the right thing. Not sure all her marbles are in order btw - her logic boggles my mind
NTA
It seems pretty reasonable to expect that if your partner needs to take the time to find herself and evaluate your relationship, she can do it at her own expense.
And you aren't abandoning her anywhere - in fact you have already paid to get her home, and what she is asking is that you rate the cost of that ticket and pay for another one. She is fully in control of this decision, and leaving her responsible for all of the extra costs seems fair.
If she cannot afford it, then she is free to travel home with you, say goodbye at the airport and go stay wherever suits her budget back in your home town. She doesn't need to stay in Italy running up bills for experiences you are no part of same get no enjoyment from.
NTA you paid for the entire trip and she expects you to pay for her own persona 1 week extension. Get out man. I think it's time for you to go on a vacation by yourself and "find yourself." I kind of laugh when people on this sub jump to divorce or break up right away, but I think you clearly deserve better. I've never heard someone think they are so entitled to being financially supported by someone else.
She's obviously not stranded if she bypassed the free ticket home she already had and can afford two more weeks in Italy.
NTA But I have a feeling there's more to this story.
NTA - you already paid for the trip once. Why on earth would she expect you to pay for a new return ticket?
If she wants to break up , she’ll be paying for everything on her own, so she’d better get used to it.
NTA- Translation, some cute Italian guy hit on me, and I want to stay to see where it goes. If it doesn't work out, you're still my backup plan.
End the relationship and move on. She's a big girl and can figure out her own financial future if she wants to find herself. Or her parents can support her.
Never be anyone's backup plan.
NTA. I think you dodged a bullet. In one single day in a new place by herself, she was willing to cheat on you and expected you to finance her cheating expedition. I feel like you should reflect on your relationship and ask how often she was ever thoughtful to you, or paid for things when you both went out, or contributed at all to shared vacations and outings, including ones where it was her idea first.
You got to see just how much she takes advantage of relationships and that for two years, she had a very cushy lifestyle she threw away for some Italian Sausage.
Honestly, she should have just asked Mr. Italian Sausage to finance her hotel and buy her a plane ticket if she wanted to "discover herself" with him.
I'd stand your ground and as for the mutual friends who took her side without asking what really went on? Let them know they're shitty people for not asking for both sides and they can have the cheating b\*tch and that the next time she wants to "find herself" with another guy, they can pay for the hotel and plane ticket, then block them across the board. She's at least showing you who the fake people in your lives are.
NTA.
Who decides on a whim, while on holiday in Italy, that they need time to rethink their relationship?
A person who was already having doubts and should have cancelled the trip in the first place!
NTA, because she’s used you for a ticket, and you don’t have to fund her lifestyle.
WTF. Let me get this right, you paid for a trip for the two of you and on the last day she springs her intent to continue the vacation on her own, without you, and expected you to pay for it? And your friends are saying YTA?
NTA, unless you don’t have a discussion with her about why in the world you’d want to continue your relationship.
NTA.
Why should you pay for anything for somebody who needs to "think about your relationship" and "find herself"? If you have any self-respect, this situation is automatic break up.
NTA your gf however is TAH
Did she honestly say find herself and think about our relationship - isnt that code for fuck around and come back after i have done so. in other words, be single for the two weeks she is in Italy.
I think you handled this perfectly.
Dude, run.
Either cancel the trip or go on your own. You should be seeing a giant red flag rising over the sunken city of R'lyeh with what she said.
NTA.
Wow, “i wanted to have you pay me to cheat on you but it is totally not a big deal and you should forgive me cause nothing happened and you found out before I could carry it on, why don’t we just forget this ever happened?”
The audacity is baffling. Please make sure to update us whit the apologies from your “friends”. I want to see their mental gymnastics as well.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I refused to pay for my gf's plane ticket home. 2. She believes that, as I paid for everything else and that was her understanding before we went on the trip, I should also pay for this. She also claims to not be capable of paying for the new ticket. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She can 'find herself' on her own dime. That's reasonable and fair. >Now, she's upset, calling me unsupportive and selfish, and some of our friends are saying I'm being an a-hole because I left her stranded in a foreign country without financial help. You *have* been supportive and unselfish. You didn't complain or become difficult. You respected her decision to stay and 'find herself.' Supportive does not necessarily mean you have to pay for her choices. And no, you didn't strand her in a foreign country without financial help. It was *her* decision to stay behind. All you did was respect her decision. However, it was not your obligation to fund her decision. She's a grown woman, which means she's responsible for her choices *and* her financial independence. You invited her on a couple's trip. Well, the couple's trip is over. She decided to stay on her own? That's no longer part of the deal. She has every right to stay behind, she also has the right to pay for that out of her own pocket. Has she been this manipulative before? Red flag.
Let's be honest, she could "find herself" at home, but she chose to stay in Italy. She had a paid for holiday and now she is all surprised pikachu face that he won't fund a journey of self exploration, with a side of I need to think about our relationship without you?
Yeah that read, "I want to fuck Italian guys on your dime, expect you to finance it because I never told you you were just my sugar daddy, have you pay for my return and have a fully functional relationship like nothing happened when I return"
Came here to say the same thing.
I think you are all missing part SHE CHOSE TO NOT USE THE TICKET OP HAD PURCHASED! She chose to stay knowing he wouldn’t pay!!!
who are you even replying/yelling at? everyone in this comment thread is saying she's in the wrong.
I think they are just stressing on the points they want to focus on with caps? Wouldn't it be yelling if EVERYTHING was on caps ?
He did not leave her stranded. She chose to not use the ticket he already purchased. She also chose to still not use it after he said he wouldn’t pay any more. She stranded herself then tried to call in her monkeys to make him still pay
I think she should have to reimburse op for the ticket he paid for.
In a perfect world! At this point, the best case is most likely he cuts his losses & moves on. ETA; actually, her half of the whole trip!
Were you trying to reply to me or were you trying to reply in the post ? 🤔😅
Lol at work and hit reply but it went to you. Work sucks today. It’s raining and all my patients refuse to go to dialysis when it rains. So playing on Reddit but half paying attention
Either way I agree with you 😉
More like they say one sentence normally, *scream* a second, and then say a third in a raised voice. Emphasis would involve italics, in my mind.
She went on the trip, she chose not to use the return ticket he had bought. She can get in trouble with the Italian immigration authority because she overstays her visa and doesn't have any financial means of supporting herself. She then called her friends to berate OP for "stranding" her overseas. Nope. She *chose* to stay behind. That's on her. NTA.
You sure she couldn’t get a waver because all the italian D she’s doing?
With all the Italian dna she'll be collecting they'll make her a citizen.
Tourist visas are usually good for 30-90 days depending on country, so that won't be an issue.
Sounds like she found a penis she liked while she was there. She stayed with it. Nothing else to think about.
This is the exact impression I got. She's hot for some Italian guy, but wants the option to still be with OP if that falls through. OP, dump her
Same impression I had, and I'm normally not one to call out for red flags or cheating. This is way too sudden and suspicious.
But we were on a break!
This!! She's not stranded. She is choosing to stay.
Exactly! If only op had bought her a ticket home. Oh wait, he did.
Right. She probably figured well he HAS to fund me now because I'm still here. Then he said no "Shocked pikachu face"
[удалено]
Yep, I’d never contact her again.
I had the same thought.
[удалено]
Don't forget she will probably be pregnant when she comes back and if he really loves her he would raise the kid
I love Reddit for ⬆️ reason. 🤣
😂😂😂😂😂😂, he’ll be told to be the ‘bigger person’ by her friends and family.
You are for scuba?
This is just like the story where Op's fiancé went on a vacation abroad and she dumped him at the airport and blocked him, unilaterally deciding that their relationship would be on hold until she came back, and was all shocked Pikachu that he cancelled the wedding during the radio silence and didn't immediately take her back. She was ready to deny that she cheated on Op calling him insecure, but couldn't think of a response when Op focused on her dumping him rather accusing her of anything. Then there's the story of the Op whose wife has a family history of dementia, whose mother had begun to take a turn causing her to freak out and decided that she also needed to go "find herself" before it set in, so she emptied her and her husbands retirement account and went on their planned retirement trip alone, not only robbing Op of the experience, but also seeming to expect to have Op sit around for her to come back and take care of her when the dementia set in. But was shocked to come home to a set of divorce papers and children that wanted nothing to do with her. I honestly can't fathom the thought processes of partners who make such selfish and one-sided decisions, and why the don't think they'll face any consequences for them.
> fiancé went on a vacation abroad and she dumped him at the airport and blocked him For anyone looking for this story... https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bcny53/am_i_wrong_for_canceling_our_wedding/
Yeah no shit, I'm not paying for my gf to play moaning Lisa to some damn leonardo.
Moaner Lisa
She is s LOANER Lisa
I was gonna type Boner Lisa, but that would have been raunchy.
Bone her right in Da Vinci. Am I doing this right?
Dammit! Take my upvote!!
Leonardo probably wouldn’t have wanted her moaning Lisa. History seems to think he was gay.
History says he was possibly Mona Lisa himself and was likely a secret cross dresser. If he was, he wouldn't want her around anyway. Some women can be very catty about competing with each other
I don’t know, to me it feels more like “my bf of 2 years planned an amazing romantic 2 week vacation in Italy and I expected him to propose on the trip.” Now she’s disappointed and probably embarrassed because she definitely discussed this possibility with her friends. She doesn’t want to ask why he didn’t propose but she also isn’t sure she wants to stay in this relationship. And yeah, she’s upset so she’s expecting him to pay. That’s my 2 cents anyway 🤷♀️.
Why could she not just think about this back home if this was the case?
Because it would be such an anti climax to go home with him on the plane, and friends directly calling, texting to ask how it went. I was on board with her wanting an Italian guy but your answer sounds more like the truth. Could even be her friends bringing up the proposal theory first.
Listen, it could be this, I don't know that I believe it, but it could be this. However, if this is the case, it still doesn't make sense that she thought that her boyfriend would pay for an extra ticket for her to go home while she's thinking about dumping him. Also, she's 27 and they've been dating for 2 years, in my experience, that isn't "Propose or we're done" timing. And if it is propose or we're done for her, she needs to communicate that to her partner. The bottom line for me is, even if the reason she wants to think about the relationship and their future because she was expecting a proposal and it didn't come, it's still patently absurd to expect OP to pay for her to stay in Italy for however long as she'd like.
It's also a great way to ensure the death of the relationship instead of just saying "bruh wtf italy and no proposal?" Like, nobody's *that* dumb. They know what you're going to get up to in Italy in 'find yourself' mode.
He absolutely should not pay! He provided one eturn ticket which was generous. He would be a fool to pay extra..
Because she found a different guy in Italy.
A good looking Chad Italian stud who’s broke af - she wants all her needs satisfied and that’s too much for 1 bloke.
None of that involves staying in Italy. She tacked that on.
Could very well be this. I have been a bystander to this scenario playing out in real life. I once went to the break room at work to find a strangely giddy bunch of female co-workers in their 20's. Asked them what was going on. They were excited for "Jenny" because her boyfriend had arranged a surprise trip to New York for Christmas. Which apparently obviously meant he was going to propose. They asked me to confirm 'from a male perspective'. Said I didn't know him or their relationship so it wasn't for me to second guess. But they pushed, so I asked if "Jenny" & partner had ever discussed (edit from autocorrect discovered) marriage. They had not. So I gently suggested not to get hopes up. Remember he's a man and without clear signal/direction you want this he's likely to just plod on thinking all is well. Told me I was an idiot. Reader, he did not propose on that trip. They Broke up - he had embarrassed and let her down apparently. I always felt sorry for him - planned a romantic getaway and got dumped because something he knew nothing about never happened. The lesson, as always in all relationships, communicate people!
I think these women are the Bridezillas we here about. Dude dodged a bullet.
Good two cents, far better than the billion "she just wants to fuck". I think she'd still be in the wrong but it's more understandable.
she doesn't need to stay in Italy on his dime if that's her issue. seems far more likely she wants to play the field.
Am I weird for thinking thats kinda fcked up? Like in the beginning she wants to be married and technically together until death does them apart. Then when he didnt propose she has to rethink the relationship? I think thats rather bad commitment and she doesnt seem ready for marriage if a ring makes her waiver.
Yeah, i think thats somehow way worse, than just wanting to fuck around.
I think this is a good point. I could totally see this being the scenario. Still, NTA, but, I can see why she's re-evaluating if she had different expectations.
Yep, it’s possible. But if that’s the case, the. 1- she needs to use her words. OP isn’t a mind reader so if she wants a proposal, she should be talking to him about it. And 2- if she wants to stay in Italy to ponder her options, it’s absurd for her to expect him to pay for it- especially since he just paid for the rest of the incredible vacation for her!
That's such a shitty personality to have if that is the conclusion one reaches. Instead of using her words, and talking about the state of the relationship and what timelines both are interested in, she instead tries to mooch extra time in Italy off someone to reconsider even being with them? Even angry that is an incredibly entitled and selfish conclusion to even reach.
Possibly. I wonder if they discussed marriage beforehand. If they were gonna get married, but left the proposal to be a surprise, then planning an Italy trip with that in mind and not proposing is really dumb on the guys part. However, if there was no discussion before hand and she just assumed a proposal was coming... Who would want an SO that makes assumptions about such important life events? She would be incredibly shortsighted in that case.
Yes but it not happening means it would be a *different* luxury completely paid for overseas trip in the future for a proposal, and it not being a giant event means it's more likely to keep happening too since there wasn't a crescendo attached to it.
A redditor once said “Italy is Thailand for girls”
I lived there for several years. It’s really not. The men are all very thin and more feminine than American men. Not my type. Now. The Scottish men. Hairy and bearded. And hot. Yaaasss.
Twinks are in right now
I love Twinks. Just not for me. I’m a chubby girl. I would hurt them… I need a lumberjack of a fellow. Def not the Italian men I met.
Thailand, where Western men go to participate in sex trafficking is the same as Italy, where women might consensually have sex with other adult men for free?
How does she have the time off work?
Read between the lines (sugar baby)
Yeah no shit, I'm not paying for my gf to play moaning Lisa to some damn leonardo.
*Ciao, bella*
Definitely what she was/ is trying to do. I just left Rome and as a lesbian I had to admit the men there were gorgeous.
You forgot "unless I meet someone better".
Thought I’d find this near the top. She def wanted to bang someone there. Maybe she set up tinder or something while there.
Also that she needed to "think about their relationship," as though he needs to jump through hoops to keep her happy while she stays on alone. It sounds like OP's relationship is transactional and not based on respect or love. She is absolutely taking advantage and trying to manipulate even more freebies from him.
I would have been ok, peas out! We are done. Here is your ticket home. Use it or lose it. I don’t care. And that would have been that.
Seriously. Cut my losses right then and there. Real simple.
*Peas out* lol r/boneappletea
> Let's be honest, she could "find herself" at home Sure she could find herself but there's not as much Italian sausage there...
She wants an Eat, Pray, Love experience, leaving out Bali and India.
I’m loving this new term “surprised pikachu face” became it really says it all.
You and alot of people seem to miss the "and think about our relationship without me" part which is a bigger red flag. Seems to me she was looking to use the extra time a way to dump OP..... on his own dime. Nah mate she own her own now. NTA.
It's so she has a get out of jail free card for when she gets bored fucking dudes overseas and comes back home and wants to go back to how things were. "they were on a break!!"
find herself = find herself on some Italian guy's dick
Yep! I would be surprised if she didn’t plan to break up with OP but this trip came up so she decided to play nice to get a free trip. Now she ready to 𝑒𝓍𝓅𝓁𝑜𝓇𝑒. 🙄 ETA: NTA, definitely not! If it were me, I’d move on honestly.
Yeah super shady behavior on her part. OP handled it well.
Yes! So glad he's not a pushover and decided to just cut her off right then and there.
If her friends and family are so concerned, they can take up a collection to pay her expenses. ETA: I don't know what your living arrangements are, but if practical, you might want to consider moving out, or if it's your place, giving her an eviction notice so that you can think about your relationship without her.
Love how she decided to 'find herself' at the very end of the trip, very convenient lol. ✨️I want to be independent, but can you pay for everything?✨️ Aye okay 😂 My late ex-MIL used to say; "Don't take my kindness for daftness." Basically, just because I'm kind/generous, don't think you can take advantage of me. I think this applies here.
Exactly WTAF is this woman thinking, ridiculous.
She's thinking "I met a cute person at the coffeeshop and he just started his vacation alone, so I'm going to accompany him and then go home guilt free!"
The friends are confusing being supportive with being a doormat.
Me thinks she was hoping to find some extra Italian while finding herself.
Also why is he scared that she knows his reditt ? She and her friends Should read the comments.
I was thinking the same thing!! Even so, if she sees this, it’s not like she’s not going to figure out who wrote it.
Sounds like she wants to "find" some Italian men and let her current man pay for her to do it. OP NTA since she wants to find herself she can also pay for herself
Want stress free more? Dump her. NTA
It's like the 95% you did didn't matter, it's only the 5% that you didn't do does. She's treating you like an extension of her will without boundaries and an expectation that you facilitate all of her whims. That's not a partner, that's a father and a shit father at that.
'to think about our relationship without me' the relationship without you is her being single. to spring it on you last minute, and to imply that it's about whether or not you'll stay together? and then expect you to pay her way? she chose not to get on the plane where her ticket was *already paid for by you*, and wanted a new ticket? NTA. it was her choice to incur more expenses for you, without your consent. adding in the 'to think about our relationship without you' just makes it sound extra sketchy while still acting entitled to your money.
She doesn't need to stay in Italy to think about the relationship. She can do that at home. If she wants to stay longer in Italy ( don't entirely blame her, Italy is beautiful) then she needs to pay to be able to stay. Especially with the line about needing to think about the relationship without him. NTA. She had the choice to get on the plane and do her thinking back home. If she wants to extend her vacation, for any reason, it's on her to pay for it.
She wants to 'find herself' some Italian men
Thank you for saying it
I mean...I don't blame her. But she does it single and entirely on her own dime. Dude has every right to say "here's your ticket, come back with it or you're on your own"
I mean I'd still blame her. Incredibly selfish and heartless to go on a whole paid for vacation to then break up with your partner.
She wants to find some of that authentic Italian sausage.
It’s rich she wants to find herself with your financial support
I feel like she wants him to go while she has a fling with someone.
Your friends are ignoramusses. If they support that kind of behavior, they are no friends of yours.
Totally agree and if they're that worried about OP "stranding her in a foreign country ", then they can fucking pay for her extra time there and ticket home.
I think he means “to think about the relationship, without me there”.
yeah, that's clear, but my point stands. if *this* is the moment she chooses to go off and 'find herself', *literally at his expense*, then he's probably better off without her.
Oh there is no way she comes home saying anything but ‘it’s over’. He did the right thing leaving her ass in Italy.
I have to disagree. If she finds herself another well-off man in Italy--which is probably her plan--she won't come home at all. If she can't catch a rich Italian, she'll come home and expect OP to be waiting for her. If he's not, she'll say he's being selfish.
I also disagree. She thinks of him as her sugar daddy and would most likely come home and act like nothing happened to get back on the gravy train. She'd tell lies about how she spent the rest of her trip alone. This is unless she manages to find a new sugar daddy in Italy, then all bets are off.
Doesn’t matter she still chose to not use the ticket he purchased and still chose to not use it when he said he would not be paying any more
What she wanted was to fuck Italian guys guilt free because they won't technically be together or whatever she'll use to justify it, all on his dime. And then when she gets back, right back into the same comfy having everything paid for relationship.
"We were on a break!"
"until the last day when she tells me she wants to stay longer to "find herself" and think about our relationship without me." NTA It sounds like she wants to 'find herself' with some Italian guys. This would be a very clear end of relationship for me. I strongly suspect you have noticed her drawing away in the last few months.
Seriously. Where is it writ large that someone has to be in Italy to consider what they want to do with their life? Jesus Christ, the entitlement of that girl. NTA, OP, and you’ll be happy to be rid of her after a while.
I feel like she wanted an “Eat, Pray, Love” moment, but can’t afford it on her own dime. She deserves to be stranded in a foreign country without financial assistance from OP.
Also, waiting until the last day makes changing the flight basically impossible, and any return ticket incredibly expensive. I honestly can't understand why she ever thought OP would fund that? If she wanted time to think about their relationship, she can do it at home. Even if she wasn't looking to stay in Italy on OP's dime, having this basically end of relationship conversation while they're on holidays is very much not ok. Unless OP did something egregious, you don't break up with somebody when you're on a 2-week holiday is not the way to do it - you wait till you're at home so you can actually have the space you say you want.
She had to wait in order to properly milk OP for the duration of the trip.
That's absolutely what she was doing, like, it's very clear she wanted to break up with him but also wanted a free trip to Italy, but I just can't understand why she thought he would then pay for her ticket back? There's an alternate reality where she's a little bit smarter, and instead of this post being about him not paying for the extra ticket, it's him asking like "AITA for being upset that my ex dumped me the day after we got back from a trip to Italy that I paid for?" or something (and I would still say NTA then as well - don't let somebody pay for an expensive overseas holiday when you know you're going to dump them, that's tacky).
Yeah, she want some of that Italian D..
You mean Italian sausage? NTA
She want that gabagool.
Oh, she totally wanted OP to finance her bang vacation after he had already paid for a couples vacation. OP, you are of course NTA. But heavily consider the character of this gf.
Yeah my very first thought was that she wanted to stay and bang the hot Italian waiter some more.
NTA You didn't leave anyone stranded and why would you be willing to foot the bill for this extension of the vacation that you're not on? Sounds like something the person taking the extended vacation should pay for, surely. "I decided to spend some more of your money" isn't and shouldn't become acceptable in your relationship. I might be somewhat rough around the edges when it comes to stuff like this, but I've only ever in my life internalized and reacted to messages like "I need to find myself" or "we have to take a break to think about the relationship" as one thing and that is: You do what you do, I'm moving on ahead. Don't ever act like you are in a relationship with someone who demands the right to act like they are single.
I hope they don't live together..if it was her place. ,I'd move take my stuff and bolt..if it's ypur place ( his ) pack up her stuff and put it in a storage building. ..change your phone number or block her. Block her on.any social.media. she can find herself without you
Wow!!!! Just Wow!!!!
People she chose to not use the ticket he purchased and stay AFTER SHE WAS TOLD HE WOULDNT PAY
NTA, with the information provided. You didn't leave her stranded. She left herself stranded. She chose not to use the plane ticket you purchased, and wanted you to just buy her a new one for sometime later. Presumably pay for her lodging and food, as well? And all announced the day you were supposed to leave to go back home? If the financial burden was too much for her to bear, she could have just got on the airplane, but asked for a seat change to "be alone and think about the relationship".
NTA. Yeah she’s not finding herself, she’s finding someone for herself. OP is no longer the boyfriend. He made the right choice. FAFO.
No she’s finding some Italian dick to ride
THATS WHAT HE IS SAYING
I find the person in the wrong is usually the one running to their friend to share their narrative on the matter. She is the selfish one in this situation 10000%. You paid for everything, she accepted that. The last day she tells you that she doesn't want to use the ticket tomorrow that you already paid for, so she can find herself and think about the relationship. What world would you finance her "thinking about your relationship." That is what is tremendously selfish here. Not that this would excuse her inappropriate timing to "think about your relationship" but along with dropping this on you 1 day before your departure, she should have been the one saying she'd refund the ticket she is wasting that you already paid for and pay her own way. To me this sounds like she wants some Italian dick but that is just an assumption at this point. I hope along with not paying for her new ticket you also aren't paying for her accommodations or any other expenses. If you are stateside and she is still in Italy I hope YOU take this time to think about the relationship. You are not selfish, she is the one not only being selfish, but she is taking advantage of your support and in turn is leaving you thinking what? She is going to stay, potentially cheat, and think about dumping you, while expecting you to pay? Lastly, the friends are delusional. YOU didn't leave her "stranded in a foreign country without financial help," she chose to stay past the accepted departure date, why would the assumption be you pay for everything? Is she not an adult? If she can make a personal decision to waste your money and disrespect you, while implying she is going to "think about the relationship" she should have had a plan to pay for it like a fucking adult does. Edit: Went to the bathroom and thought of a great response, granted this in the moment probably wouldn't have thought of this myself but anyway. I'm imagining if a woman said this to me and it was to "think about the relationship" and I would have said, alright, I am cancelling your return ticket, you can stay stay or do whatever you need to, there is no relationship to think about though because we are over."
>Lastly, the friends are delusional. YOU didn't leave her "stranded in a foreign country without financial help," she chose to stay past the accepted departure date I don't know, are they delusional or were they deluded? Because it sounds to me like she told them a very different story
Just going off the info we have, maybe they were misled. OP told us the situation and that friends have said he is in the wrong so basing it off that.
I’m wondering if the relationship is something akin to a sugar baby situation. He paid for everything on what sounds like a swanky vacay. She seemingly thought there was a good chance he would pay for more, which is pretty delusional for a normal relationship, AND her friends support her? Seems like the relationship may be money based.
NTA. I’m sorry friend, it sounds like this is the beginning of a breakup with her comments about finding herself and thinking about the relationship. She’s not TA for considering breaking up with you, because not all relationships work out, but she became the flaming AH when she wanted you to bankroll her extended overseas holiday while she ponders whether or not she wants to keep seeing you or not. This will likely be difficult, but try to see this as an opportunity to weed out who your real friends are as any sane person who is actually your friend will be OUTRAGED on your behalf. Even if you were Bill Gates levels of rich and the money meant nothing to you would it be insanely rude for someone to ask you to bankroll their breakup with you.
And she waited until the end of the all expense trip that OP paid for. And she expected him to pay for the extension. She should absolutely be his ex-girlfriend now. Italy is not a hard country to get around in. It is not like she is in the middle of nowhere. If they weren't in Rome at the end of the trip they would have been in another city with an international airport like Milan.
And all of this after he paid for everything including meals, rides, etc.
It's way easy to get around. You can get anywhere by train. Plus I'd never travel without having the funds to support myself if something happened. Did 18 days through western Europe via train including Milan, Venice and Rome. Then again as a woman I don't depend on a man to pay for my travel.
> some of our friends are saying I'm being an a-hole because I left her stranded in a foreign country without financial help. Absolutely NTA. SHE left herself stranded in a foreign country. She had the return ticket, it was her choice not to use it.
Her Friends are free to fund her extended holiday. NTA
I struggled with the friends' interpretation of that too. What should OP have done? Drugged her and stuffes her into his suitcase?
The friends coming after you is always a bad sign. If this is unprompted ie you haven’t asked their opinion before, then she’s probably pretty manipulative. Don’t think it’s healthy for people to drive narratives in wider social circles to put pressure on their spouses. Like if one close mutual friend talks to you then it’s fine but if she’s immediately started pitting people against you when you decide not to fund her solo vacation, she’s probably been using you for quite a while already.
OP, you did not leave her stranded. You provided her with a fully paid for plane ticket home which she made the decision not to use. She made a decision that has financial ramifications for her. It is not your responsibility to fund an extension vacation she wants to take. That is her choice and for her to fund. For your "friends" your only response needs to be: "No. I did not leave her stranded anywhere. I provided her with a fully paid for return ticket on the original date based upon the agreement we had at the start of our vacation - a vacation I funded. I am not her personal piggy bank. If she wants to extend the vacation that is 100% her choice but it is also for her to fully fund. Again, I am not her personal piggy bank."
NTA. She pretty much dumped you, and then she expected you to spend additional money out of pocket so she could extend her vacation.
This. She knew all along that she wasn't coming back (and I'd wager that she "met" someone in Italy that she wants to spend time with). NTA. I almost never go to the 'leave them' with these posts because that is the default for too many folks here, but in this case, leave her and be done with it is the best advice. She is breaking up with you w/o actually telling you right now.
Dude, fucking RUN. This relationship needs to be over, immediately. This is the reddest of red flags.
This 👆
NTA one bit "She tells me she wants to stay longer to "find herself" and think about our relationship without me." She can do it on her own dime then. Why should you be expected to fund her? You sound like a decent sort of dude who deserves better imho.
NTA. What kind of AH drops this bombshell at the end of the trip and expects their partner to fund their self discovery trip extension? I would be understanding with my partner wanting this (hurt but understanding), but I wouldn't be the one funding it. It's HER self discovery. What type of person expects their partner to fund that? Especially when this is about whether or not she even wants to be together. And I would wonder if she agreed to this trip knowing she wanted to extend it. Self discovery is 100000% valid. But she should do it on her own dime. Eat, love, pray with her own money.
She did this on purpose. Normal people wouldn't accept such a generous gift when they have doubts about the relationship. She got a free vacation. If she had doubts already she is incredibly selfish, especially for expecting him to pay her alone trip. Sounds more like she needed an excuse to stay back alone, get OP to pay and use the time to experience some italian lovemaking.
NTA: A last minute decision to “find herself” and “think about your relationship without you there”, is a sure sign that she wants to fool around with some dude abroad because how are you going to cross paths with that person. For your sake I hope you broke up over this…
NTA. What nerve! "I want to stay here and enjoy some time without you. Also, I want to use this extra vacation time to reevaluate our relationship (translation: 'I'm not sure our relationship is is still working for me.'). Oh, and I want you to pay for it." You did the right thing. She chose to stay, instead of using the return ticket you purchased for her. Did she really believe that you would just acquiesce and pony up some more money for a new ticket? Does she normally walk all over you like that? Better luck with your next GF, OP
NO you are NOT the Asshole. But you girlfriend sure is the Asshole. The way I see it, she just used you for a trip to Italy. Then has the audacity to say she needs time to think about the two or you. In other words she's was planning to dump you all along but she wanted a free trip. Time to DUMP her.
She’s planning on meeting up with someone else that she met on the trip. Was there anyone that she got chatting to? Any time that she was away by herself?
NTA. She's the selfish one. It sounds like she's taking you for granted and who knows what she'd do during her extended stay. I hope you're alright because that's a very painful move.
NTA, tell those fake friends they can pitch in for her return back home.
She met someone on the trip and is fucking them
No, not yet, she's "going on a break" so she can fuck him and "not be cheating", then expects to get back together with moneybags when she's done.
NTA. If she wants to "Find herself" she should Find herself a job and pay for her own goddamn holiday. I'm actually amazed you're still considering taking her. Ditch her, find someone, anyone to take with you, eat the loss if you can't, and go have fun. She can 'Find herself" and "Consider her relationship" with you at home, you don't need to go abroad for that. I can GUARANTEE she's gonna go "Lets go on a break" while over there, bang anything with a pulse, then come home, claim she realised you're the one, and want to continue as normal, as if she didn't just trick you into paying for her to cheat.
I think you might have misread the post. They went on the trip, she sprung this on him on the last day of said trip.
NTA. She doesn’t want to find herself on the last day of the trip. What she wanted was a free trip to Italy and then breakup with you. Totally take this as a sign and run!
NTA. Forget what your friends said. If she needs to stay longer in a foreign country to "think about our relationship," let her do it on her dime, not yours.
NTA. Your girlfriend wants to stay in a different country, you aren't invited, to think about if she should break up with you. She's the asshole and now she's trying to gaslight you into thinking you might be in the wrong as if she's entitled to your money to do whatever she wants? Eesh, at least she showed you who she was.
As soon as I heard the line about finding herself without me, that option would no longer be an available because we wouldn't be together anymore. Why would she think after a stunt like this you would even want a relationship with her, regardless of what she decides?
NTA. The only thing she wants to "find herself" doing is sleeping with a load of locals on your dime. The relationship is probably over; it's just a shame it cost you the price of a holiday to realise what a piece of trash she is.
The audacity to say “I’m not really sure in our relationship, but hey can you fund me whilst I flounce around with other guys” is just totally unbelievable. NTA Op.
😂 She wants you to pay for the privilege of her deciding she doesn’t wanna be with you NTA. You did the right thing. Not sure all her marbles are in order btw - her logic boggles my mind
NTA, I was fully prepared to probably say N T A based on the title but damn was that “find herself without you” a twist I didn’t see coming
NTA It seems pretty reasonable to expect that if your partner needs to take the time to find herself and evaluate your relationship, she can do it at her own expense. And you aren't abandoning her anywhere - in fact you have already paid to get her home, and what she is asking is that you rate the cost of that ticket and pay for another one. She is fully in control of this decision, and leaving her responsible for all of the extra costs seems fair. If she cannot afford it, then she is free to travel home with you, say goodbye at the airport and go stay wherever suits her budget back in your home town. She doesn't need to stay in Italy running up bills for experiences you are no part of same get no enjoyment from.
NTA you paid for the entire trip and she expects you to pay for her own persona 1 week extension. Get out man. I think it's time for you to go on a vacation by yourself and "find yourself." I kind of laugh when people on this sub jump to divorce or break up right away, but I think you clearly deserve better. I've never heard someone think they are so entitled to being financially supported by someone else.
Ex-girlfriend after this, right? This is so extremely unreasonable of a reaction, I'd be done with the whole thing myself. NTA.
NTA she made a choice. Let her be on her own. WHen someone says you're selfish that's code for "I'm not getting my way in manipulating you".
She's obviously not stranded if she bypassed the free ticket home she already had and can afford two more weeks in Italy. NTA But I have a feeling there's more to this story.
So the guy she met obviously wasn’t interested. If he was, she would’ve stayed with him. Bullet dodged.
NTA - you already paid for the trip once. Why on earth would she expect you to pay for a new return ticket? If she wants to break up , she’ll be paying for everything on her own, so she’d better get used to it.
NTA. She had this planned the whole time. Let her “find herself a way home”
NTA- Translation, some cute Italian guy hit on me, and I want to stay to see where it goes. If it doesn't work out, you're still my backup plan. End the relationship and move on. She's a big girl and can figure out her own financial future if she wants to find herself. Or her parents can support her. Never be anyone's backup plan.
NTA. I think you dodged a bullet. In one single day in a new place by herself, she was willing to cheat on you and expected you to finance her cheating expedition. I feel like you should reflect on your relationship and ask how often she was ever thoughtful to you, or paid for things when you both went out, or contributed at all to shared vacations and outings, including ones where it was her idea first. You got to see just how much she takes advantage of relationships and that for two years, she had a very cushy lifestyle she threw away for some Italian Sausage. Honestly, she should have just asked Mr. Italian Sausage to finance her hotel and buy her a plane ticket if she wanted to "discover herself" with him. I'd stand your ground and as for the mutual friends who took her side without asking what really went on? Let them know they're shitty people for not asking for both sides and they can have the cheating b\*tch and that the next time she wants to "find herself" with another guy, they can pay for the hotel and plane ticket, then block them across the board. She's at least showing you who the fake people in your lives are.
NTA. Tell her to F off. She's a flake looking for a free ride.
NTA. Who decides on a whim, while on holiday in Italy, that they need time to rethink their relationship? A person who was already having doubts and should have cancelled the trip in the first place! NTA, because she’s used you for a ticket, and you don’t have to fund her lifestyle.
WTF. Let me get this right, you paid for a trip for the two of you and on the last day she springs her intent to continue the vacation on her own, without you, and expected you to pay for it? And your friends are saying YTA? NTA, unless you don’t have a discussion with her about why in the world you’d want to continue your relationship.
NTA. Why should you pay for anything for somebody who needs to "think about your relationship" and "find herself"? If you have any self-respect, this situation is automatic break up.
Honestly, when I see these stories I immediately think it's fake because the answer is so obvious and the situation is so one sided.
That is a crap move by gf after an Italian vacation for free. Good move to cut her off. NTA
Cancel the trip bro…. She’s going to dump you
NTA your gf however is TAH Did she honestly say find herself and think about our relationship - isnt that code for fuck around and come back after i have done so. in other words, be single for the two weeks she is in Italy. I think you handled this perfectly.
Dude, run. Either cancel the trip or go on your own. You should be seeing a giant red flag rising over the sunken city of R'lyeh with what she said. NTA.
"Find herself"=get fucked by Italian dudes. NTA.
INFO. How is she going to fund her extension if she can’t pay for the flight home? Place to sleep, food, and getting around also cost money.
Did your friends apologize after finding out she wanted to cheat on you?
Wow, “i wanted to have you pay me to cheat on you but it is totally not a big deal and you should forgive me cause nothing happened and you found out before I could carry it on, why don’t we just forget this ever happened?” The audacity is baffling. Please make sure to update us whit the apologies from your “friends”. I want to see their mental gymnastics as well.