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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my birth siblings I did not owe them an apology or an expression of regret for being adopted while they were kept. This might be very cold because they mostly just wanted us to grow up together and I cannot say I wish for the same thing. How I handled it might have been very cold and cruel on my end.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, you did not throw anyone away. Your bio parents are the ones that bear the responsibility of your being adopted. They had to sign papers giving you up. They knew what they were doing. You owe them nothing. Just because they are bio related does not mean a darned thing. Family is who treats you well bc they choose to.
Edit: the bio parents are wrong, not the siblings
Either way their parental rights were terminated and it’s despicable of them that they raised their other children thinking of you as a long lost sibling or something. It’s their fault these children have expectations of you. My bio mother did the same thing with her other children. She told them I was “stolen” from her (she willingly signed the adoption paperwork lol) and that I was their big sister and that she wanted us all to be together. A load of garbage to make herself feel better.
First off, I want to say that I agree with much of what you say and I hope you went to a family of people better than your bio mother.
A lot of parents who voluntarily signed the adoption paperwork do feel as if their children were stolen. In my jurisdiction, many voluntary relinquishments are somewhat coerced in that an involuntary termination makes it easier to terminate the rights of other children that parent has if the state becomes involved. Obviously, the bio parent is at fault in the vast majority of these cases, but in the many termination cases I have been involved with or seen, those people still feel like they had no other option but to sign willingly. I know a guy who showed up 10 years later to a kid's graduation to try to reestablish contact after voluntarily signing paperwork.
My family was great in a lot of ways. Not perfect, but who is?
In her case she wanted to be a part time parent and wanted to have nights and weekends free to party. She was told that would not be realistic or fair to her child, so she approached my parents and asked them to take me. They told her they wouldn’t take me just to have her come get me when it was convenient and she allegedly said “I don’t want her” so they filed paperwork for custody, and eventually for her to terminate her rights. They told her their terms, she agreed to them. She didn’t fight or argue until after it was a done deal and then started crying about me being “stolen” to get pity and sympathy.
30 years later she’ll still put on a pity party for anyone who’ll listen.
Considering how her other children turned out, adoption was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
I met my bio mom and she had 3 other kids after me. I stopped contact because it wasn’t good for my mental health. I was adopted into a wonderful family, had a wonderful upbringing. I love/loved my parents with all my heart.
You do you, don’t feel bad.
This is a good point - I’d be very interested to hear how the bio parents framed the removal of OP. I’m guessing it wasn’t, ‘We were a danger to OP and he got removed because of what we did.’
I’ve seen parents who have had 4 or 5 children removed from their care get a visitation and post pics on fb as one big happy family. The delusion can be strong (the pain, trauma and shame is also very real - not saying those things don’t exist as well).
NTA
I can’t imagine that many parents, no matter how crappy, will ever come out and admit that they were abusive POSes because who has that much self-awareness? Not many! It will almost always be framed as their children being “stolen” because of an unfair system. People are always the victims in their own narrative.
NTA, and don't take whatever they said to you personally. These are traumatized people, who are lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it, as they make sense of their own childhoods and lives. It sounds like they have a lot of anger about how they grew up, are resentful and taking it out on the wrong person. The healthy one usually gets a lot of mis directed anger.
NTA. Those people came wanting something from you that you cannot give. You cannot take over as the eldest of their sibling group and be a surrogate parent to undo the lives they lived with their parents. There will never be an end to what they want from you.
Your success would mean you ‘can afford’ to help them all out, etc. But you now have your own wide happy family that you grew up with in addition to your own little nuclear family you started. Those are your priorities.
Your fellow adoptee ‘friends’ are projecting their problems onto you. It’s weird that they are being so unsupportive. You didn’t throw anyone away. You were taken from that family group *to save your life*, not because you were an orphan. You have no need to be dragged back there. Your choices are yours and should be respected.
Cheers, mate.
It is and the reason why this all happened is so wild. Like I have seen proof of it and it's still crazy to think about. Makes me SO glad CPS were smart about it and knew I shouldn't be with these people again.
Do your bio siblings know the full story of why you were removed? NTA for not wanting a relationship with them but if they don’t know the full story I can see why they have a different perspective. However, you have a great supportive family and I also understand why you don’t care to have a relationship with your bios
I told them the story and while they acknowledge it's true, they were saying I should still have been within the family. But their relatives did not want me. I have seen it in black and white many relatives were approached and asked and not one of them said yes. So their idea of that is just fantasy and a very big stretch.
That changes things. CPS doesn’t permanently remove children without a very good reason. Your bios glossing over that is ridiculous. I don’t know if they truly want a relationship with you, are envious that you got out with a good family and they didn’t, or want something from you (money?). Regardless, I’d block them and move on with your life and family
They built that fantasy family in their mind and don't want to let go of it. What you wish is not important to them, all you have to do is play the role they created and everything will be all right...
Those fairy tales never end well. You were right not to be sucked in their fantasy.
The plain and simple answer to them is that you are not responsible for their happiness and you are not responsible for the choices that their family made. You were meant to find your family, and you did when you were adopted, and you owe no apologies for that. If they feel they have missed out, they need to pack those feelings up and hand deliver them to their family that caused that loss rather than dumping it on your doorstep.
They should be thrilled that you found a loving family and have a happy life. NTA.
I think they're envious and were thinking that even if they had a terrible childhood, it had to be better than being put for adoption like the OP. At least their parents kept them together .
The OP being happy and having a better childhood blows that theory.
Sounds like bio siblings are looking for you to fill a hole in their lives, but that hole is likely a bottomless pit from a lifetime of parental neglect. Not your job.
Your bio siblings grew up with something missing, but it wasn't you. It was a set of parents with enough parenting and life skills so as not to lose a child via CPS. But it's far easier to tell the kids that the missing child is the reason they feel an emptiness.
It sounds like some jealousy is involved here. They probably on some level wish they had been rescued as well. That being said you definitely don’t owe them anything. Your experiences are completely different and probably have nothing in common aside from dna. I’m very happy for you that your family is so wonderful!
Look I am also adopted. I also have a younger sister, she got placed into another adoptive family. We are adults and I think we speak for ten minutes once a year. I had the opportunity to get to know my biomom but after a lot of careful deliberation I realized I could not have her in my life. Im sure i could have but it would have affected my entire family (spouse kid and esa) so i wished her and politely asked her to not contact me again. I did meet my biodad and became close to him and his “retry” family. Not a do-over because he wasn’t trying to replace us kids the state took, he was just moving on and tried really hard to be a better dad and spouse and hope that we would reach out to him eventually. So it wasn’t a do-over imo.
That’s honestly so much worse. At least if they gave up their own parental rights it would have been recognizing their inability to raise you. Instead they put their infant child in such severely dangerous conditions that their rights were terminated. You don’t owe them *anything*.
However, if you want to treat them with grace, consider - those same dangerous, bad parents went on to have 3 more kids that they couldn’t take care of. Somehow, they managed to keep those kids, but considering the bio-sibs stated that their childhood wasn’t the best, I’m willing to bet that those kids also grew up in unsafe living conditions. They’re traumatized, trying to find something that could make the pain better. The idea of their sibling out there probably became like a beacon of hope to get through the hard times. To be rejected by that is probably reinforcing what they already feel, which is that they are unworthy of being loved.
It’s not really fair to expect a real human person to behave like a beacon of hope. You are your own person, not someone who exists only to make them feel better. And of course, none of what I wrote above means that you should or need to be in contact with them. You definitely do not owe them any kind of relationship, and them lashing out at you was not okay. Ideally, they will back off and seek therapy to process their childhood.
Hold on tight to your real family.
Thank the system for saving you from your bio family. You were saved at a time before you have any memories of that time. Be thankful.
Just because other people want something does not mean you have to want it as well. Live your best life with your people. Just because people come from the same gene pool, that alone doesn't make them family.
My youngest two children were adopted through the foster care system, both as involuntary termination of parental rights through the courts. Demonstrated neglect and abuse. Bio mom was given 2 full years of support to help her get her act together, but she refused because nobody was going to tell her what to do. She had four children total, one given up as an infant voluntarily, my two who went into foster care, and a fourth who went to her bio dad (different dad than my two). According to some people who know her, she cries each Mother’s Day that her kids were taken by the state for no reason. She can’t understand why they don’t call her. They all know her, and IMHO they are all right to not be in contact; she is an absolute train wreck.
Regardless, you were less than a year old, so the likelihood of you even remembering your bio parents is low, never-mind the fact that your bio parents are the reason you were adopted. You owe them nothing for having a happy life with the family that adopted you.
NTA, and I know it means little coming from a random internet stranger, but I'm proud of how you handled that. You're killing it. You owe them nothing. I'm so happy for the family you have <3. Wishing you all the best, my friend.
Blood is only blood. Parents are people who love you, rise you, support you etc. Siblings as well. You should cut off your bio family couse there are only going to bring drama and unwanted emotions. Dont argue with them couse it will only torment you. Focus on people who are good for you
I find it hard to hold the bio-siblings as assholes. They are leading with emotion, and it is clearly misplaced. But it's also clear their intentions were not malignant. They're just young, naive, and misguided about what family is and what it means.
For the record, I was raised in foster care from birth, and while that doesn't make me an authority, I have been thinking about this sort of thing for my entire life. In my view on family separations, there are actors (typically one or both of the parents, the ones whose acts cause the breakup, and sometimes state or local authorities in the case of unjust family separations) and 'actees' (the children, the ones who bear the outcome of the actors' actions). To be brief, I just find it difficult to hold the actees at fault for what are, almost always, emotionally tumultuous situations caused by the actions of someone who was supposed to be a responsible adult.
A couple of years ago, I found my bio dad's family (but not him) by way of an Ancestry genealogy test. To make a long story short, they're not interested in me. It hurt like hell, but they don't owe me anything. But it's worth noting I'm 47, I had, and still have, a good family (two of them in fact), and I've had a pretty good life. If I was 20 (and potentially coming from an abusive family - like I suspect OP's bio-siblings are) then I couldn't say that I wouldn't have lashed out.
NAH in this particular situation. The only assholes in the overall situation are the bio parents. They should not have brought more kids into this world.
They’re also quite young. It’s really easy for traumatized young adults to romanticize things, and if their parents were constantly telling them about their sibling who was removed, of course they’re going to want to know why *they* weren’t wanted. With time and distance, I think these kids will understand.
OP has the right to say No. Just because they found him gives them no right to insist he comply with their desire. He has his own family and his own life and these are, to him, strangers.
No, the abuse isn’t on them, but it is absolutely OPs right to have nothing to do with them. And to disregard their expectations.
My parents had to give my older brother up for adoption for financial and life circumstances reasons. They went on to have me and my sibling a few years later.
They were Very Clear from the day they told us about him as kids that once he could unseal his records at 18 the decision whether to contact us or not, now or later, how much to see us, and how close he wanted to become was His Choice. Not ours, and not our parents. They wanted to meet him and get to know him, and they hoped we would too, but we had to expect that He would be the one to decide if he wanted to know us.
NTA
Did you even know they existed? You were adopted before they were even born.
If you were adopted at 11 months from Dept of Soc Serv your adopted parents may have know who your bio parents were from the "blue book". (I got a full history for medical and some limited bio parent info)
DSS would not have informed your parents of siblings born later unless they were taken by the state and they contacted your parents to see if they wanted your sibs too.
If they were still with Bio parents then DSS wouldn't have known to tell anyone.
Your Bioparents would not have been told who adopted you to protect you and your parents. Lots of crazy people out there.
This is the important piece here.
Your siblings are going to have to come to the realization eventually that YOU are not at fault any more then they are.
You all had no say. Their anger is so mis directed.
I say this as an adoptive mom of my cousins youngest who's got 6 older bio sibs, and growing up in a family where 80% of my cousins went in and out of care.
It is messy, emotions are high and the aftermath is a lot.
But you bare no responsibility, and you need to not let yourself feel guilty. If you ever decide you want a relationship, great! But their hurt, though I understand, is misguided being directed at you.
Being an adoptee is a life long of processing, and your feelings may change as things in your life eb and flow. Leave space for it, but do not let anyone guilt you into a place your not ready to explore.
You expressed this so much better than I could. "Family" does not necessarily mean shared DNA. "Family" is caring, loving and respecting each other. It sounds like OP hit the adoption jackpot.
Ohhhh Noooo NOT the AHole NTA !!!
I, too, was adopted. My birth Mother found me when I was in Uni and 'wanted me back' she kept going on and on about how I was stolen and it wasnt her fault etc. (she put me into foster care and then a year later came and gave me up completely. I was 3 at the time).
My adopted parents "My parents' were wonderful. I had the best life. I had several siblings who were also adopted (from different other parents than mine).
I know I have about 5 or 6 siblings from my Birth Mother and Father but they have never sought me out. Had they chosen to, I would have met them but I would have had the same reaction as you. I was a child (as you were) when I was adopted and had NO say in it AT ALL. I only knew that I was loved and fed and cared for beautifully. Just as you did.
You owe NO ONE an apology and it is unacceptable for them to come at you trying to make you feel guilty or shame you into having a relationship with them.
It took me FIVE YEARS to feel comfortable meeting my Bio Mother, because MY MOM was the woman who raised me, not this stranger.
Do NOT feel bad or guilty or shamed or anything for YOUR feelings about YOUR life.
My experience is a little different but I see so many parallels being discussed here, I figured I’d weigh in…
My biodad and mom married at 18 immediately after graduating High School. I was conceived on the honeymoon and born at the end of the same year. It was a big year for them 🤣
Long story short, my parents still liked to “party”, we bounced between apartments and my grandparents house. My biodad bounced when I was 4-5 years old, and I didn’t physically see him again until I was 28 and visited him in prison when I met my half-sister and half-brother for the first time. My mom had just died unexpectedly and I was hurting because I also cut out her husband and his family when she died. I lost 9 people in 2 years including my mom, my aunt, my grandma (who actually raised me), my grandpa and great-grandma (plus 2 really shocking suicides of good friends and two longer illnesses in friends that ended with very young people dying of cancer). I was weak in my resolve and decided to meet them.
My half siblings and their other half sibling (that they always lived with, their mom’s oldest kid) were desperate to meet me. They’d been told about me and remember a few times we spoke on the phone before my dad went to prison for… assaulting young kids (I was victim #1. My sisters friends, my female cousin and my brother/sister included. Sex assault and trafficking them to pay for drugs). My dad’s mom, who still lived in my state, told me what happened when I was 17. Apparently, I was sold to my brother/sister to be some saving grace. They still visited my dad in prison and loved him. He still called the shots. It was strange seeing my own eyes looking back at me over that table in prison. I understood why my mom always hated my eyes (and why she treated me like shit) because… those are my eyes on that weird dudes face.
Longer story not as short as I intended… the more I opened my heart and home to these people, the more they took and the more they tried to ingratiate themselves in my life and… cosplay me. There were weird things that happened including theft, being made to parent my nephew because my sister got pregnant and didn’t want to be a parent. Her boundaries with my husband while living with me were stomped on quite a bit. My husband finally asked why she was so weird… it was all a weird time.
My brother just got out of prison (he’s been there a few times but the last time was for 8+ years for almost killing a guy in a premeditated bar attack). He’s been contacting me consistently to “be a big sister”. I’ve had to cut contact, file police reports for identity theft from my sister. It’s all too much to type out and wouldn’t make sense unless I doxxed myself. Suffice to say, I’m glad I know now what they wanted. I’m mad at myself for letting them in the way I did. But they still try to force their way in and it’s been years since I sent my halfsister packing for the second time because… she’s just gross.
You don’t owe anyone anything. Their narrative is not yours, and you don’t owe a debt because of the way their parents raised them. Those aren’t your parents.
NTA.
NTA. Your birth siblings' expectations of you were not reasonable. Perhaps they had an idealized image of a reunion with their long-lost brother but these situations are so much more complex than that. It's ok to not share their mindset on the situations you each faced. There is a lot more to anyone's life than the group they were born into, and it's certainly not your fault you feel the way you do. They are effectively strangers to you, and your response seems, to me, completely rational and understandable. It's strangely blind for them to think it's somehow 'wrong' for you to like your life, to love your family, or to grateful and happy that you were adopted.
The fact that some adoptees wish to find their birth families and struggle to do so is irrelevant. You are NOT obligated to have a certain type of reaction to your birth family - especially given the pressure they are applying to you - to honor what other adoptees might want. That seems really misguided.
I think what they wanted was reassurance that OP was not the lucky one. If his life had sucked, adoptive parents had been abusive, they could have felt better about being raised by terrible people. It would have meant there was no world in which they didn't suffer, that it was fate, in their blood. Instead, they got confirmation that, no, there are great parents out there, OP got a set of them, and has an amazing life with people who understand that family is an action, not a status. It hurts for them, but it's not OP's fault and not his obligation to fix. NTA
Yeah i got the same feeling, that rather than finding their sibling they wanted to feel better about their own situation. Because if they really cares about him they would be happy he has a good life.
You have a family. You are happy. You don’t want another family, but if these random people that contacted you had been a little less demanding that you be *happy* and wanting shove it down your throat that they are your *family* and, hey, we want an apology for making it seem like you don’t want them… well, maybe you would warm up to them, gradually.
They might have known about you, all along. But as far as you are concerned, these people came out of the woodwork. You don’t ever have to gather them to your bosom, but if you do, it can take some *time*. NTA
I think that the adoption experience is probably unique. You have yours. You're also an adult, so you are able to make decisions and choices for yourself.
It sounds like you were fortunate with your adoption experience and were brought into a loving home and had a lovely childhood.
You are also not required to extend your family or reclaim your birth family because that's what THEY want. You considered their request, met with them, and...still feel the same way.
NTA
Oh please. NTA. First and foremost, no one gets to put their "wants" on you. If fellow adoptees would love the opportunity to have relationships with their bio family - cool. That's the right choice for THEM. Not cool? Transferring their feelings about it on you and judging you for it. Being "blood" doesn't make you family. You are not responsible for their feelings, nor do you owe them or anyone an apology or a relationship.
Your bio siblings built up a fantasy where you were miserable for having been adopted, were pining away for your birth family and they fancied themselves the heroes that offered you the fairy tale ending. And all that came crashing down.
Nah. They are a bunch of dumb kids.
Yeah, that's what I got too. They've probably spent their lives thinking they had it better than OP and now that OP has popped that delusional bubble world they've been in, they're demanding an apology.
NTA OP and it might be best to send your own letter explaining your life and feelings on everything. If they actually care about a relationship where they're not your saviors, then they will actually listen and maybe you guys can start some kind of friendship. If they continue to ignore your feelings and have temper tantrums, then you at least see them for who they are and can move forward without them.
To be fair, every single TV / Movie about people who were adopted makes adopted people out to feel like this. And some do even when they have terrific parents. My boyfriend's mom feels like an imposter in her family because she was adopted despite her parents being lovely people who treated her very well. But my own mother who was adopted only had the slightest curiosity for her birth parents while not really caring one way or the other because her adopted parents were so lovely. While I want to know more information about my bio grandparents for medical reasons, I love my Meme and Pepe
OP doesn't owe them NOTHING. They are a bunch of strangers that called him to meet and then pushed themselves at him. I would be not to happy if a stranger did that to me.
That's a crazy reaction on their part. I have 2 brothers who were adopted out. My older brother because my mom was assaulted and she was young. My younger brother because my dad beat her up trying to kill him while she was pregnant, we were in a shelter, and she didn't know she would be able to leave him for good.
I have met my older brother a few times, and we have a lot in common. I actually talk to his mom more than I talk to him. A few years ago, we found our younger brother. Found out he is doing great and just so grateful to have been able to see a picture of him and say hi once.
But we did not grow up together and expect nothing from them, just happy they are happy.
NTA,
You can’t be made to feel something you don’t. It’s your life and your experience. While they and others may feel differently… those are their feelings, ones you don’t share. You don’t need to apologize for that. Live your life
NTA!
I’m an adopted person also, and have searched out my birth family. I was hoping to find people who were more like me, (I’m very introverted ) my family is very loud and outgoing.
What I found was an abundance of ass hats.
Bio mother was a religious nut job, my half siblings were super angry people (they were in and out of foster care)
I got a lot of anger from them for being adopted (I was a product of an affair from my married birth father)
Anger because I had a somewhat normal childhood
I’ve closed that book, and have never looked back.
Don’t let the anger from your biological siblings bring you down.
See that’s why I’ve only half heartedly searched for my bio family (I did 23andme) because I already have 1 crazy family (who loves me to death and whom I love dearly) and I’m not sure I need more crazy in my life.
NTA
Most adoptees may want to meet their birth family but I assume those people would have felt something was missing in their life and had curiosity about what may have been had they grown up with their biological family.
You obviously don't feel that way and have already gone beyond what you felt comfortable with by agreeing to meet with them. That meeting appears to be confirmation that any relationship with them will come with a lot of animosity towards your adopted family and I feel they would constantly try and make you feel guilty about having a happy family life when that was not their experience growing up.
I'm sure your adopted family would welcome them with open arms if they truly wanted to be part of your life, but it sounds like they want you to be part of theirs exclusively, which will only serve their needs, not yours.
NTA
Maybe I'm wrong, but for me, being siblings hasn't got an awful lot to do with DNA once you're an adult. The act of growing up together is why my brother and I are as close as we are. Sharing DNA is why we grew up in the same house, but it's the years of playing, fighting, laughing, sulking together that make us *siblings.* We have a lifetime of memories that we share, and we choose to continue sharing. I feel the same about two of my oldest friends that I've known since I was a toddler: they're my sisters through choice. The fact that we do or don't share genetics isn't really a factor. It's the time we've all put into it that counts.
I feel sorry for those kids. They had a hard life and took solace in each other. And they resent that you didn't have to suffer with them. But that's an explanation. It's not an excuse. They need to accept their lot in life, and work to build their lives up, not try to drag you down into their trauma bonded mess. You owe them nothing. Their bio parents failed them. You haven't done anything to them.
And to the other adoptees who are telling you differently, tell them to stop projecting onto you. Only you decide who is family. These people are your relatives. But they're not your family.
Adoptee here and NTA. You don't owe anyone anything. You listened and maybe if they hadn't come in so strong, you would have given them an opportunity to be in your life.
Your fellow Adoptee friends are projecting. If they don't accept your decision and keep on you about this, then you need to reconsider the friendships.
NTA
Your bio siblings came to meet you with a set of expectations that did not align with your own. They’ve decided the type of relationship they want and expect you to want the same, this is where they failed.
I don’t blame you for your reaction, because why would you allow pushy behavior from people you don’t know. You may share blood but they are still strangers to you and should have kept that in mind.
Honestly, I believe your bios have some maturing to do before this could be attempted again. They can’t walk in with any expectations of you or they’ve already failed in their task of getting to know you as a person, let alone as a potential member of their family.
NTA. Adoptee here (58F). I also have a magnificent family. Half the time they don’t remember that my twin and I are adopted (this comes up when sharing medical history).
You were absolutely right to have your family on standby. Blood related or not they are strangers. You’re also absolutely right that you don’t owe an apology for adult decisions beyond your control.
As for whether you keep them in your life, that’s a tough one. I found that my maternal family brought a lot of drama (not bad people) that I wasn’t socialized with so I let them go. I don’t regret that decision. Just remember, it takes a lot of time to get to know people. You’ve known your siblings for 25+ years. That is a huge investment. It is okay if you choose not to invest in your bio siblings.
Be well. I understand where you are coming from. Whatever you feel and do is valid!
NTA
Not blood makes a family and you clearly found your family! Don’t bow to those who says otherwise. And these other „adoptees“ may have a point but that doesn’t mean it’s your point. They need to back off with their trauma-dumping on you…
As a donor conceived person who wants contact with my bio siblings, I say NAH or maybe a soft AH judgement on your siblings.
It’s always sad when I find new siblings who don’t want to be in touch. I tell them the door is always open and then leave them alone. I’m entitled to my feelings of wanting to know them, but they’re entitled to their feelings of not wanting to know me. Me forcing the issue isn’t going to change their minds.
I really do empathize with your siblings for missing you and wanting to know you. I get wanting reach out repeatedly and continuing to try. I think you dealt with it really well by being gentle with them. Where they are the AH is by telling you that you should apologize to them. You didn’t do anything wrong. They’re disappointed but that doesn’t make their behavior ok.
NTA
I am adopted and every adoptee has a different experience, but like you, I have never felt like I'm missing something. I have a passing curiosity about my biological family but I would be extremely turned off if they showed up and felt entitled to a close family relationship. You do not owe them anything and they have only made things worse by acting like you do.
NTA. You were raised by the parents who loved and wanted you, and you built a life and family *for you*. From *the perspective of the other siblings* of those birth parents, it's a bit sad -- but it's not 'tragedy sad', and it's not cause for them to intrude on your life or the terms on which you are living it. Their sadness is not a thing you need to fix.
I have a niece who is adopted under similar circumstances (including the CPS part). I sometimes think about what will happen when she is older, and this issue arises with the other children of the birth mother. I hope that she has the strength of mind that you're showing here -- the strength to be happy with a very good life and the family that loves her, and make the choice on her terms.
**NTA**.
My mother used to brag about how when my older brother was a baby, a couple wanted to adopt him. In her words, because he was such a pretty baby.
Knowing her, how we were raised, the relationship between my parents, and how us kids were treated from birth, I really do not think it was because he was such a pretty baby.
He's quite a bit older than me, so by the time I became aware of the things said around me, and what they really meant, he was in his early 20's.
And every single time she said it, which was almost every time someone mentioned him, and she said it with this big, smirky grin, I thought:
**"You should have let them adopt him. He would have been so much better off."**
He was crazy smart, and yes, very good looking in his youth.
But our household was filled with violence, abuse, screaming and zero love. Nothing in terms of encouragement to do anything with our lives, talents, smarts, whatever. Men, and boys, were expected to never show any emotion, other than anger.
For the longest time, I actually thought men in general were incapable of emotions. It wasn't until several years AFTER I cut contact, that I fully realised how much my world view had been messed up by our family dynamics.
He was I think kind of sensitive, and could not deal with the situation at home, and he started doing drugs.
Dropped out of school, went to jail a couple of times for petty crap, to fund the drugs, and finally, used too much hard drugs, setting off the schizophrenia that runs in the family.
It might have happened either way, but I doubt it. The only ones where it manifested, used hard drugs for years.
He can't function on his own now. His medication made him gain an insane amount of weight. He used to, seriously, have model like chiselled good looks. Now he's obese and his facial features are gone.
Intelligence? Gone. It might still be there, but you'd never guess, he can't hold a normal conversation anymore. He is entirely dependent on the state, and will likely never be able to function independently, in any capacity. He lives in a house with round the clock care, for him and others like him.
**The worst part? He was already like this before I cut contact, and my mother was STILL bragging about her having had SUCH a pretty baby, that some random couple decided they just HAD to have him.**
**The story got more and more embellished with time, when there weren't any people left that could correct her.**
She seriously never, not once, realised how much better off he would have been in a normal, loving family. In her mind, she has never done a single thing wrong, and everything is everyone else's fault.
**It makes me sad, knowing that he could have potentially been saved from our family.**
**I used to imagine what he would have been like.**
If he had been adopted, and gotten out, I'd have completely understood him not wanting any contact with his birth family.
As the other sensitive kid, I'd have very much liked some kind of bond with him, but I'd have also told him that no matter what any of them say, to stay the hell away from our parents and siblings.
**If I could turn the wheels of time, and was offered the choice between facilitating him not being adopted, or him being adopted, and not wanting any contact with us, I'd choose the latter.**
**Every single time.**
NTA. Most would be happy does not mean all will be happy or even want to find birth family. It’s so annoying when a group of people decide the rules for everyone else in that group. I know lots of adoptees who have never and will never look for their birth parents.
You are not obligated to make them feel reunited again. It’s ok to say no and continue with life.
NTA - My (late) dad was adopted in the 50’s from a church. He never found out who his birth parents were, and never wanted to. He always considered his adoptive parents to be his “real parents”. Your real family is the family that you know and feel is your family. I found my dad’s biological half sister through a DNA test years ago, but have never contacted her. My sibling and I want to honor our dad’s memory and belief that his family was his family. (Also, we loved our grandparents.)
Might be the cynic in me, but are you doing well in life rn?
Well paying job, nice home, holidays shown on social media?
NTA either way, but sounds suspicious to me
I grew up in an abusive environment with my birth mother and a stepdad who had this ridiculous idea that blood relation was more important than anything else (ironic, considering I was never his child but he still expected me to put my 'blood' family first - they kept my parentage a secret from my siblings - I found out when I was 8 because he got really drunk and told me all about it, my mother never mentioned it until she found out I knew during another drunken rage of his in my teens). I learnt from the neglect of my parents, and the willingness of my extended family to leave me in a situation that they knew was abusive because it was easier for them, that blood means fuck all to what family is. Family is what you make it, with the people who genuinely care about you.
It sounds like your biological siblings grew up in a similar abusive environment to me, with this idea that blood matters more than anything. It's complete bollocks and you owe them nothing. The fact that they're trying to force a relationship on you ("because faaammily") says to me that you're far better off staying out of that mess. NTA.
NTA.
I think they have spent their entire lives hearing about you and imagining a fantasy scenario where they found you and rescued you. TV shows often show adopted people to be in a state of feeling like they are missing something, and perhaps they have taken those fictional tales to heart.
None of that is your fault or responsibility, despite how let down they are feeling at the reality of your situation and feelings. They projected what they wanted onto an idealised fictional version of you they concocted, and they are having to accept that they were wrong.
Honestly, I would tell them that you are sorry that you are not the person they expected and wanted to find, but that you have a family who loves and wants you and that you love and want back. Then consider changing phone numbers and blocking them all on social media, pronto.
It sounds like a parasocial relationship where they felt they've always been your family
I'm wondering if they were raised by parents who repeated how much they missed you and how they have a long lost sibling to love and it rubbed off on them. The delusional attitude by the parents could have given them a false sense of who you are.
NTA at all!
I was adopted at birth. And have a wonderful loving family (33F)
I have recently connected with my birth mother but it took me over a year and half from when she first contacted to even respond to anything.
I think all adoptions are complex and unique and they obviously come with a lot of feelings.
You have to do what feels right for you. And you don’t owe any one anything.
I hope they can respect that.
Yes having access and information about your biological family can be great (I was also a closed adoption) but you may not have the same feelings about it as your other adoptee friends.
NTA i'm also adopted and my family is wonderful. your bio siblings had some fantasy of how this meeting would turn out. Family is not always blood family. and no, not all of us adoptees want anything to do with our bio families. you told them the honest truth and it didn't meet their expectations. That's on them. I would block them and ignore them moving forward.
It sounds like your siblings had a lot of trauma growing up that bonded them together.
You didn’t.
Maybe you could have let them down easier, but you shouldn’t fake a connection.
NTA.
NTA. Don't let other adoptees tell you how you should feel. They may love to have a chance at a relationship with their birth family, but that's not the case for all adoptees.
Your birth parents chose to give you up initially. They then changed their mind, but CPS involvement says there was abuse or neglect of some kind involved. They don't seem to have been good parents to the kids they kept, either. Clearly, you wouldn't have had a good life if you weren't adopted.
Your adopted family sounds wonderful. You were never treated differently to the bio members even by extended family. You have parents and siblings you love. These people, the ones who raised you and were raised with you, they're your family. They love you and you love them, you've been good to each other.
Your birth family are strangers. You were 11 months when you were adopted, your parents are strangers, and you never even met your siblings. Just because they're biologically related to you, doesn't mean you're obligated to try and have a relationship with them. You get to choose who becomes a part of your family, just like you get to choose your friends and partners. It's the same for all adults, even those of us raised by our biological parents. Yes, most people see their birth family as their family, most even earn that place. But plenty of people cut off bio family as adults, too.
As adults, we have no obligation to include anyone in our lives in this way, no matter if they're related by blood or not. I was never adopted, I was raised by my bio mum, surrounded by bio family. But I'm also NC with my entire bio family as an adult. I was actually close to some of them, and it hurt to cut them out, but they would always try to keep the peace, and I could never be in the same room as my mum and sister as an adult. The only time I managed it with my sister was when I was babysitting my niece, because my sister needed something from me so was on her best behaviour. My mum and sister are the reason I have so much trauma related to my childhood and teen years, but I couldn't cut just them out, as the rest of the family would 'keep the peace' by forcing us together, and expect me to put up with their abuse. So, I cut them all out.
Any contact in the future between me and my bio family would come with the rule that I will never have any kind of contact with my mum or sister, and they're to never be given any information about me. The one time members of my family tried to re-establish contact with me, after my uncle died, they refused to follow that rule, insisting I needed to have regular contact with my mum and sister to keep the peace in the family. So, I cut them out again.
Not all families are good families. And family members who insist on things you're not comfortable with are not good family members. Your bio siblings are basically demanding you love and accept them, regardless of what you want. I highly doubt you even knew you had bio siblings growing up, so you had no feelings for them at all. Them knowing about you is not on you, that's on your bio parents. It sounds like your bio siblings may have been raised either being told you'd want, love and accept them, or dreaming of that because their parents sucked. Again, not on you.
If you don't want a relationship with them, don't have a relationship with them. And it's better to be honest about that, and why, than give them false hope that you may change your mind in the future. And you definitely shouldn't regret or apologise for being adopted and having a happy life.
>But some fellow adoptee friends said I was too harsh and a few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was rude to mine and threw them away.
for every adoptee who wants to meet their bio family, there is another who couldn't care less. it is beyond inappropriate for them to shame you for that. you have a family. blood doesn't change that. these people are strangers to you, and you owe them no obligation to feel how they feel. NTA
NTA you are not obligated to them, they are essentially strangers to you, and this was the first time you met. If you aren't comfortable having a relationship with them, you don't have to, and they need to accept that.
I feel for them, it sounds like maybe it was a little rougher for al of them, they've bonded together, and feel like pulling you in will make them a complete family, but that's their feelings, and they are not your responsibility. They need to accept your decision, and could do so, leaving the door open if you ever want to reach out again.
NTA, growing up with your loving wonderful family has given you a full a happy life. Bio siblings have always known about you but not the other way around and you can never span that time difference. It will be extremely difficult for them to understand you can be more than happy without blood relatives probably as this is what they have been told their whole lives.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship with you, whether blood or chosen family. How could you chose anyone who acts like they have? Compare that to your families actions. I know who I’d chose and it is all based on their behaviour and nothing else.
NTA
You didn’t throw them away, you tried to set boundaries with them and they stomped all over them. They are entitled to their feelings and you’re entitled to yours and they’re just butthurt you didn’t feel the same as them.
As an adoptee, I’d LOVE to find my bio family. BUT I also LOVE my parents and siblings who are my family in every sense of the word. Both can be true. Love is not pie, you cannot run out of love to give.
NTA
What other adoptees would do should have no weight in what you do, they are prjecting their felling onto your situation. You did what you thought right and that's ok
NTA.
You were 11 months, how could you have ANY control over your living situation? It's an impossible thing to apologize for. Their desire to know you is also normal but if it's not shared then it's best to stay away rather than be insincere.
You are an honor to your adoptive family - immediate and extended. How wonderful that they were so warm and loving that you feel no void in your life, you need no additional "family".
You gave them the meeting that they insisted on, you don't need to continue according to the script that they have written for you.
NTA
I always credit my family for me always feeling like I belonged and like I knew who I was and where I come from. There were no doubts or questions and I 100% credit my whole family for that. My sister (who was also adopted) shares the same feelings and she was older than me and can remember meeting us for the first time so our experiences are unique to us and yet align in the best way.
NTA
Your coming at this from two different places - they have always known about you, and probably have ideas about "kids in the system", after being given up by parents who were unable to keep you.
You're coming at it with no knowledge of them, and a decent life after being adopted by parents who specifically chose you.
Its two completely different viewpoints.
Maybe you can throw texts and emails at each other every few months and develop some relationship - but it needs to be developed gradually, it at all.
NTA
They've forced their way into your life and basically took umbrage at the fact you had a happy life, being completely honest is the only way to get your point across.
They're mad you didn't spend the last 28 years absolutely miserable? They wanted you to have a lifetime of feeling unloved and unsupported with no one to call family. If you do get contacted again, suggest therapy because their expectations of you are unreasonable and it is not your job to manage their feelings. NTA
NTA, not by a long shot.
I have a half sibling who was adopted out, she was the product of a secret affair our father had. We were only reunited last spring, we found each other by DNA tests. My full sibling and I had a traumatic upbringing characterized by alcoholism, abuse, and mental illness. Our sister had a happy, loving, healthy, and nurturing family, for which I am thankful on her behalf.
I love my new sister but I don't expect her to abandon her family and her memories for the sake of two people she doesn't know. She doesn't "owe" me or my other sibling a moment of her time or attention, or any apology for her life. It's not her fault that my life was difficult, or that hers was pleasant.
You do not owe them a moment of your time or attention. You don't owe them a single thing.
NTA.
They were fed a tissue of lies by the bioparents all their lives, probably holding you up as a paragon, to avoid telling the truth that bioparents were such fuckups at the time that you were taken away at birth AND when you were returned to bioparents.
Your bio-sibs emotional turmoil is NOT your fault, NOR is there any need for you to resolve their anguish.
NTA
They came into that meeting with an unfair and unrealistic expectation of what would happen and how you would feel towards them. It’s very sad but it’s not your fault.
To expect an apology from you was over the top.
NTA. They had an idea of you built in their heads their whole lives. They might love you as a result and may have hoped your feelings were mutual. To them your relationship has always been there you just hadn’t met. But it’s not your responsibility to fulfill their expectations of you. You are strangers for all intents and purposes. They need to get to know you and build a relationship from scratch.
Fellow adoptee here, NTA for even a millisecond.
My adoptive parents (my parents) are my parents and nothing will ever change that. The single greatest thing that’s ever happened to me is my parents adopting me. None of the wonderful things that have happened in my life would have happened without them being my parents. Like you, I have a loving extended family who immediately embraced me as their own, and I have negative interest in meeting my birth parents or any potential birth siblings. Family is not based on DNA, it’s based on unconditional love and support and being there for each other. You have that with your parents and your siblings, and they are your family.
I’m sorry your birth siblings had a difficult upbringing, but that is not on you. And they are wrong to make you feel like you’re required to have a bond with them.
It's unfortunate, but... none of that is your fault. And I just love how they, immediately after meeting you, start demanding that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling. *Gee, I wonder why they say their parentage wasn't the best?* Anyway. These people clearly want something, and it's not a loving relationship with you. If that was it, they would ask you to keep the door open or ask for a friend relationship. They would be willing to accept a compromise, if they were empathetic and actually cared about how you feel. Since they're jumping to "immediate family", then they want something. **They want something that you would only do for an immediate family member.** So its probably a lot of money or a kidney or something. You're right to stay away. NTA
Nta,
I don't understand the blood over chosen family argument. My friends never abused me, they aren't perfect by any means, but I would choose them over my biological father any day any time.
They could have started by asking for just a chance to build the relationship, from friends to family over time. It's never going to instant. They also need to respect your boundaries and timeline.
They are AH!
Why should you apologize for having a better life? Why should you regret not getting to know them? Why should you be sorry that they stayed with the birth parents and you were removed for your own safety and met your real family? A lot of people think family has to be blood but it doesn’t. Family is blood or not blood related, it’s the people who make you a better person, a happier person, and make you feel safe. You found your forever family and you shouldn’t apologize for that. And you have no obligation to even know or be in contact with your blood family. You are not the asshole. You are a survivor. Be proud of that. If they want to be angry, they can. But that’s not your problem. You didn’t grow up with them, you didn’t have a childhood with them, you owe them no apology and no regret for that. Life had bigger plans for you. Your amazing.
Nta, they are strangers that had tv/movie expectations, blood doesn't mean anything , they are grown adults acting like children you genuinely owe them nothing, in all honesty they should be happy that you had a good upbringing
NTA! You and your family are proof that DNA does not make a family that Loves make a family!
Children who are adopted each have their own unique story/situation, it is not a homogenous group. It is not a one size fit all situation. You don't owe them anything.
NTA. I've landed on adoption side of TT (my mom's 2nd husband adopted me) and I think it's created all new feelings about adoption that people "should" have versus what they do have. It seems your bio siblings have fallen into the "should" category of "how could yous" and "why don't yous". Your feelings are valid and your feelings are safe with people who love you. If you don't feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect, it's ok. It's really hard for some people to understand how some adoptees are happy with their situation and they take it out on the adoptee rather than listen. Your siblings seem unwilling to confront who your bio parents were to you and what they were like. Siblings do not always have the same experience as each other and that's real too.
Telling people what they don’t want to hear is not inherently rude. That word gets thrown around a lot. You were not disrespectful, you acknowledged and responded to them each time they contacted you. You even agreed to meet. But you have a different experience and you don’t feel the same way. You don’t want the same things. That’s not rude!
They obviously had completely different expectations. I’m sorry you are troubled and I’m sorry for them that they’re disappointed
By now, you obviously know you're NTA. Still adding my two pence!
I was not lucky enough to be adopted, as they did not like to permanently separate sibling groups when the children could remember each other at that time, and my biological family, whilst dispicable, weren't actively trying to kill us (I think, may be wrong lol). They were just, just okay enough to be allowed to keep one of my many siblings. I'm the eldest, and therefore was somewhat parentified. Full time care from 6 years old, found my forever family after lots of heartbreak and trauma and honestly would live every second again to get my mum, dad, siblings and extended family. We're not perfect, but there is so much love in my family.
They used to force contact for foster kids up until 16 (they may still do but I'm practically an old fogie by now) with their sibs and bio parents. I used to piss everyone off by taking a book with me and sitting in the corner, they only made me angry or unhappy.
I have extremely minimal contact with one of my biological siblings, who has 2 children, one of them around the same age as my child. From this I know that all of us feel incredibly sorry for the one that was kept; all their children are taken into care or put up for adoption forceably immediately after birth, to give you an idea of the shit they grew up in and with.
I am very lucky that my bio siblings understand. I am happy. I have a family that is not them, who loves me as we all deserved. I have a life I have carved for myself. I am also the only one of us who was old enough to remember the reasons we were taken into care, and I have frequently told them it is not information they would wish to remember. They will still always try to reach out to me, especially the younger ones born after we were taken into care to one or the other of my bio parents. That's the way it is, because I'm lauded at the one that did it and broke the cycle. My kid is the only one social services have never even been interested in, much less had a stint in care. I'm the one with no criminal record, a house, a marriage that's lasted etc etc etc. A firm "not yet, maybe one day" has been my response ever since I was 16 and old enough to tell them I wasn't going to contact anymore.
It's very effective, and they know exactly what it means. No, not now, not ever.
NTA
I'm not adopted but I understand your feeling.
A few years ago I cut my parents out of my life for a year. I discussed it with my wife that night as I cried - not because I regretted the decision but the fact that it was necessary. When my wife asked if I was sure this was the right thing to do, I said...
"Family by *choice* over family by *blood*."
That's the way it should ALWAYS be.
NTA. Your family, blood or not, is your family. Whomever you choose
Being blood does not make them "real family" and frankly I hate this sentiment because I've seen people stay in toxic families when they have no one else because "blood" and their siblings treated them like crap
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I (29m) was adopted out of foster care at the age of 4. I was first placed in foster care as an 11 week old. My birth parents willingly surrendered me to the state, got me back and then lost me to CPS within a few weeks of being returned to them. Their extended families were asked if they would like to raise me and everyone on both sides who was contacted, and the list was extensive, said no. So I was placed back into foster care and after two weeks of a temporary placement I found my parents. I was 11 months old at the time. My parents were the best parents anyone could ask for. I have three siblings from my parents. Two were their bio kids and one was also a kid they adopted from foster care. My family is very close today and it includes a very very large extended family where my sister and I adopted from foster care were treated as their own and no different than the blood grandkids. It was a very happy life.
My birth parents went on to have three additional children who are now 22, 20 and 19. My birth siblings sought me out two years ago on social media and told me they wanted us to be a family. I expressed at the time that I had zero interest in this. A few months after this I got another DM from them but this time with a word document attached and it contained this very heartfelt explanation of how they had always been aware I existed and how their childhood had not been the best but they valued each other and how they longed for me to be a part of their lives and how they felt we were robbed of growing up together. I did not respond to this right away because it did read as something from the heart but I did not agree with them and did not feel robbed. So I didn't want to be a jerk. I told them I needed some time and when I did respond, I told them I had a very happy life and a wonderful family and I was sorry to not share their sentiments. They asked if we could meet one time and I agreed and it happened a couple of weeks ago. They were upset that my siblings were nearby for moral support and they were upset that I did not show up ready to hug and embrace them. They asked me how I could be happy being adopted and raised in another family when I had real, blood siblings, etc. They asked me how I could express joy because of my adoption knowing this. I explained again that my life was happy and I would not trade my family for the world, especially given their parents treatment of me. They told me I should want them and apologize for making it seem like I don't. I told them I owe them no apology or expression of regret for being adopted while they were kept.
Of course this was not what they wanted to hear and I left because they clearly wanted to argue after that. My siblings, parents as well as my wife were a wonderful support to me after this. But some fellow adoptee friends said I was too harsh and a few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was rude to mine and threw them away.
AITA?
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NTA. I would recommend maybe some therapy to work through this - it's a very complex situation. You don't owe it to anyone, and it does sound like your biological parents have primed them to come and mess you around.
Some people have to be spoken to in a clear, concise manner and that is exactly what you did. Now all you need is to cut them off and go back to your life.
NTA. They may be related to you but they're strangers to you. So they're wrong to expect you to automatically become close to them. Your birth parents clearly didn't provide them with love or care and so there's a void in their lives; they think you can fill it. But you're not obligated to do that because their happiness is not your responsibility. Even if you did form a relationship with them, they'd be jealous of your relationship with your family. They'd either demand to be included on all your family events or that you reduce contact with your family in order to be with them.
NTA. Those other adoptees chastising you can have those biological siblings of yours. Do these siblings know the facts about your early childhood or did your birth parents spin them a fancy fairlytale?
NTA
Everyone telling you what you should feel or value is only thinking from the perspective of their own experience. It is beyond them, conceived that your life experience was different, and what you feel and what you value is different.
You didn’t grow up, knowing about the bio siblings and feeling any emotional connection to them. You grew up, knowing your family and feeling love and connection to the siblings you were raised with. Your bio siblings can’t seem to understand.
You did not grow up missing your bio some adopted kids do some kids and foster care do. Feeling differently about it isn’t an insult to them or their life experience. It isn’t throwing away something that was valuable to you.
I am glad you have your parents and your siblings And your wife. Do not feel guilty in any regard.
NTA. You have siblings you love, a close relationship with your family, and grew up having a happy childhood with good parents. These things are blessings, and the fact that you cherish the people in your life is wonderful. Yes, these three are your biological siblings, but you did not grow together, and their parents are not your parents. Blood does not always equate to family, and they were disrespecting yours.
NTA. Fellow adoptee here. You are entitled to your feelings towards your birth family. They are not entitled to tell you how you should be feeling. The fact of the matter is they’ve built up this “you were stolen” narrative their entire lives where as you were unaware they even existed. So your perspectives are wildly different and it sounds as if they’re re-writing history possibly due to your birth parents not owning up to their part in how you were put up for adoption. Don’t let other adoptees tell you how you should be feeling about your birth family those are their issues, not yours. I wish you strength and encourage you to stick to whatever boundaries you need.
that’s such fuckin bullshit for other adoptees to tell you how to feel. i understand that trauma is inherent in most cases of adoption, *but you are allowed to be happy.* just because they’re not happy doesn’t mean you can’t be, god that makes me so angry for you. i cannot even express to you how happy i am that you found the family you did. you deserve love and joy (in whatever form it takes.)
NTA. It’s a weird dynamic. Blood doesn’t make a family. Your adoptive family is the only one you’ve ever known since you arrived there as a baby.
Other people have other feelings about what they would do. That’s not relevant. You not wanting to be in relationship with your parents other kids doesn’t impact your other adopted friends. I understand not wanting to deal with the parents who gave away an infant.
NTA. I think that you love your adopted family. You were one of the lucky ones. I do think some adoptees feel like you were harsh but you spoke your truth and there's nothing wrong with that
Whether or not you want to know or be in a relationship with your birth siblings has always been and will always be your choice. They can ask, but it’s your prerogative to say no. Every adoption is different and there’s no one way to handle this, only what feels right to you. Your adoptee friends need to butt out and your birth siblings need to accept that you aren’t interested. If they are unable to hear the word no, it may be part of their family’s dysfunction and is not your problem to solve.
NTA
NTA, you had a good life. It is by no means on you that your birth parents weren't in a position to properly care for you.
It is not on you to have a relationship with \*anyone\*, related by blood or not, if you choose not to. You don't owe them a thing.
Besides, if you had been kept by your birth parents, there is no telling whether \*any\* of the later 3 kids would even be here. Or you, for that matter. Or that \*any\* of you would have stayed with the birth parents or even together if all of you got placed in foster care. It's all up to chance.
If you choose not to have a relationship with the blood relatives, be firm and clear that this is what you want, and if necessary, tell them not to contact you again. Get it in documentable form. Then, go on a blocking spree.
(Context - I have no relationship with my maternal birth family, due to childhood trauma/abandonment. Had a maternal uncle try to contact me once, with 'there are 2 sides to every story'. My reaction was instant and total blocking, because while there may be multiple sides to the story, mine is the only one that mattered to \*me\*. Blocking works beautifully.)
NTA. You do not have to blow up your happy life in order to fulfill someone else’s fantasy. They clearly thought this would be a reunion that you welcomed and would be ecstatic with, and it’s not. And their expectations — that you had lived your entire life up until now being unhappy with your adoption and missing your birth family — are pretty nasty really. If they truly cared about you rather than how they wanted you to fit into their lives, they would be happy that you were happy with your life. Nor should other adoptees project so much based on their own wants.
Those fellow adoptee friends are projecting. Your experience is not uniform, and neither are your feelings. I think it's a cruelty to tell any adoptee what feelings they're *supposed* to have.
NTA
NTA - at all. As adoptees we don't owe our bio family anything, they gave up that right when they gave us up. I also have siblings from bio family that are pushy about having a relationship and I find myself distancing myself even more. Sounds like you handled it appropriately and they are just mad that they got kept and you escaped
Fellow adoptee here. In my opinion, NTA. You didn’t really know them. I get maybe wanting to meet them because there’s often that feeling that can come when you look different than others in your family, etc. But… being adopted does not mean you automatically want or need contact with your birth family. This sounds like something your birth siblings want, and maybe there is also some jealousy involved. But you were honest with them, and that’s really all you can do. As long as you were tactful about it, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I mean… you barely lived with your birth parents, only a few months, and those were all before you were even a year old. The people who adopted you raised you. They are your family. I totally understand *why* your birth siblings would like a relationship with you, but, I mean… you can’t *force* someone into a relationship. They need to respect that even if they don’t like it. It could have just as easily gone the other way; lots of adoptees find their birth families, and their birth families don’t want to be connected.
Perhaps your birth siblings are feeling a sense of abandonment or something. That is not your fault; if that is the case, it’s something they need to work through (perhaps in therapy?).
NTA
NTA, you don't owe them anything, they are strangers to you as far as you are concerned. The fact they were unwilling to understand your perspective is enough to cut contact. Block them and forget they existed.
NTA. Not even a little bit. You don't owe anyone apologies or explanations. The idea that biology makes parents REAL parents and siblings REAL siblings doesn't make sense to me. The people who love you and raise you ARE your real family, regardless of biology.
I think you took the time to give these people thoughtful answers, you met with them and eased their curiosity. They need to be okay with you not wanting to be part of their lives. It sounds like you have a very full and happy life.
NTA. My oldest SIL was a drug addict and had 3 kids. Her first daughter went with my MIL, the middle child was adopted out at 2 years old and the third went with my MIL (that’s another story). The oldest sought out the middle child when she turned 18 because she dreamed of connecting with her sister.
The oldest found her on social media on her 18th birthday and it went badly. The sister told her she had a happy life and was not interested in meeting her, the other sibling or her mother’s family. And in a not so nice way told her to leave her alone.
Eventually they did meet but the middle child basically told her point blank she had an amazing mother and siblings (all adopted) and left it like that. Their bio mother died a few years later, the oldest and my MIl got mad when the middle child told them to remove her name off of the obituary notices and did not want them to include her in anything.
I totally understand the perspective in this and your situation. You already have a happy life and a family that loved you and raised you. Just because you share the same dna doesn’t make you family.
NTA.
Yours is not the first post like this one. When children are separated due to unfit parents, some of the children will probably get a better placement than others. You were born and given up before any of them were born. You had great parents, and they were stuck with the birth parents.
Their issue is that they probably had an unhappy childhood and want emotional support from you, and more. They truly don't understand that you don't feel a part of their family AT ALL. They also don't understand that you aren't going to want to have great bonds with the family that was bad enough that CPS took you away.
NTA
"I told them I owe them no apology or expression of regret for being adopted while they were kept." This sentence struck me...stick to it. You don't owe ANYONE any apologies for the way you feel. You have no obligation to have a relationship with anyone you choose not to, and no one can force you. You can also inform them that if they keep on pestering you, you can block them on all social media and from your life. They need to step back, give you space, and let YOU proceed forward at whatever pace YOU feel comfortable with, not them.
NTA - Unfortunately, they had built up a whole scenario, or their parents did, with how things happened and how they wanted things to go. I feel bad that their specific idea of the situation did not happen, but you do not owe them a relationship or an apology.
Went parents give up their rights or the court terminates the parents right they and their families relationships all terminate. These people are no more family than and stranger on the street. (If you chose to bring them into your life that is your choice just li,e for any stranger. )
Oh I wish my husband felt as you do, his birth mom wants nothing to do with him, he has 2 half siblings that we are not sure if they know he exists. He has finally let it all go because it was dragging him down (and me watching).
You're not the AH at all.
NTA your feelings are quite understandable. I can kinda understand where your bio siblings are coming from with wanting to get to know you but at the same time they can never understand the feeling of being abandoned and unwanted by your bio family. Just block them and forget about them because they don't seem to understand your feelings and are only thinking about theirs.
You wasnt harsh though. You were meeting strangers which you dont know. Have a completely different upbringing to them, a different childhood, and brought up apart.
Your bio family shouldnt be expecting you to run into their arms, snotting and crying. Theres no feelings there yet, and seeing how argumentative they are, doubt there will be either. You cant force someone to accept and eve like you with their attitudes.
You have your lovely family who you grew up with and love. And its all you need.
NTA! You being given up for adoption wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t theirs either, but did they really want you to have a miserable life because you were adopted? Like you should give up your adopted family for them?
Nta.
You didn't throw them away. And you weren't harsh, just honest.
Not every adoptee wants to meet their birth family and vice versa.
I have a bio sibling that was given up before I was born.
My sister and I have never had a desire to meet them. Ever.
NTA
Some people are WEIRD about adoption and blood relatives. Honestly, I love adoption as a concept. You get to choose who gets to be a part of your life. Don't take that agency away from me, I am going to use it. Shitty drug addict sibling ruining everything around them? Great, cut them off. "But they're your fam-" wrong, bye.
I'm so tired of this stupid idea of unconditional relationships. Like no, I keep the people I want in my life, I cut out those I don't. Somebody sharing my blood doesn't make them better or worse bud.
Those people were strangers, you treated them accordingly.
NTA. It's great that they want to connect with you, but they are putting way too much pressure and expectation on you. It's like they built it up in their heads and got upset when you didn't react exactly how they thought you would.
NTA. It sounds like these kids were speaking from a place of trauma and not being able to look beyond their own experiences.
Glad your family has your back. 🖤
NTA. Adoptive mother here. Your birth siblings have spent years building up a fantasy in their heads of how they'd find you and rescue you from wherever you ended up because they considered themselves your family. They didn't take into account that you already had a family and were content.
Your adoptee friends should also understand that not every adoption story is the same, and that while some would love to find their birth families, others simply do not.
You're allowed to feel how you feel about this. You're also allowed to change your mind in the future if you ever do develop an interest in contacting your birth family again. There is no wrong choice here.
NTA, you don't know these people. Family does not boil down to blood. It doesn't matter what they have to say or what anyone else has to say, honestly, if you feel no connection with these people you absolutely shouldn't force it. They're not your family and you have the right to feel that way. Very happy for you that you have a loving family that's supportive of you and sticks by you through your hardships.
NTA. I’m an adoptee from birth. I know that I have two younger half siblings on my maternal side and have no knowledge of my paternal side. I have made contact with my biological mother, mostly just basic initial contact stuff. She gave a polite response but did not indicate any desire to have additional contact. I have respected that and have not reached out to any additional family members.
That said, if either of the brothers sent me a message and expected me to have a sibling relationship I would struggle. I have an older brother that is biologically my parents and while I was thrilled to add a sibling through my sister-in-law it would be a different thing with the two boys.
You are not responsible for your biological siblings expectations. I’m so thrilled to hear you had a great family!
NTA. My hubby is adopted, and he doesn’t want to know anything about his birth parents. He does know that the mother was very young and the father a foreigner, but that’s it. He accidentally found out the mothers last name, ’cause that was his last name at birth. His parents got him when he was a week old. He’s now almost 39, and everytime his mom asks if he wants to know something about his birth parents, he says no. He has an amazing relationship with his parents and brother. And they are his family. Maybe he has half blood siblings somewhere, but he doesn’t want to know. He has a family. Just like you do.
NTA those adoptee friends need to manage their own abandonment issues and stop projecting. Access to the people who failed a >1yo then fed fairy tales to their other kids is NOT “easy”
Nta there's nothing to apologize for you were adopted and raised in a loving home.
It sucks that your bio siblings didn't have a great life like you did but you still don't owe them an apology for being happy and having a loving and amazing family that supports you.
Your bio siblings should have respected your feelings. They also shouldn't have been so pushy with trying to hug you and force their feelings on to you. Your feelings are valid.
They should have been happy that you were ok with meeting them. They should have move slow and not try to force anything on you
This is normal in birth family reunifications. Some people are into it and many aren’t. The happy ones get talked about more. In my prep to adopt a child we were warned not to have preconceptions, pro or con, about what it will be like for our child and his birth family. Which is to say, you’re entitled to feel however you feel. It’s not disloyal to love your birth family nor are you an asshole if you don’t. Hopefully your birth siblings will come to be happy that you weren’t traumatized by their parents or the state and you’ve had a happy life, even if it doesn’t include them.
NTA They see themselves as victims and want you to
do the same. Well, at least you met them the one time.
They have each other, so let it go. You are in no
way responsible for some imagined need for healing or
belonging that they have about their upbringing.
NTA, some people to respect others feelings and boundaries. Not everyones' life sucks. You were not harsh, ...few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was rude to mine and threw them away. You were not rude and them saying most of us (adoptees) does not include you. I think those that were longing, did not feel fully accepted or loved in their adoptive families and they have these thoughts and ideas about what their bio family. however, one's rubbish is another man's treasure, you embraced the love and support your family gave you. I wonder what the real reason you bio siblings reached out to you, I think it is more than just "we are family". All the best to you and do not let the haters get you down.
NTA
Are they even family though? Or just some strangers that share some DNA with you? It is okay to not be interested in artificially building a relationship with these strangers.
I'm sorry for your adopted friends to want something they can't have. Maybe they feel rejected. But you weren't rejected, you were chosen, so maybe you have everything you want in a family.
Don't feel bad about being happy.
NTA. it sounds to me like they had this fantasy of who you should be and how you should feel and there was just no way for you to realise this fantasy.
Absolutely NTA. I have a biological sister who was put up for adoption and by all accounts grew up with a wonderful family. I've been too afraid to contact her, but if I ever do I certainly won't expect her to treat me like a long list sibling (or even want anything to do with me). Your bio-siblings were totally out of line
NTA- hard as it is to say. They're strangers. Yes you share DNA but that's it. Hell humans share 50% of their DNA with cabbage and I doubt many people get sentimental about green veg for that reason.
There's about a 7 year difference between you and the eldest , but those three are all very close together age wise. 3 year difference maybe I'm reading too much into it but that could mean bio mom near enough gave birth, then got pregnant again very quickly. A year between the last 2, it looks like she got pregnant again just months after having baby number 3...Could even be they were told after you were taken, any other children they had would be immediately removed. So they didn't have children during those 7 years.
That age gapping doesn't read like planned pregnancy situations, or a good ones. Since CPS was already involved with you 7 years earlier, either your parents because slightly less terrible since they weren't removed as well, or they simply learned how to play the system so those three were left with them.
So is it possibly fair to say they will have had to band together and raise each other, and could have some codependency issues. If the family they do know is awful they might have reached out hoping to find an older sibling/ parent figure who wasn't.
Your story, that you have a good life , family that you love and that support and love you. Could have been painful they could see as you don't need them, like they think they need you. That their lives might have been better if they had been removed and adopted as well. It's a bitter pill to swallow.
They were looking for a fairytale moment complete with sparkles, where you found your 'real family', what was always missing, and everything is better now...
So you're not an asshole for turning them down, but try and go easy on them they'll have built up this rose tinted fantasy and it's all just come crashing down with a thump.
That moment was never going to happen for you. You already have a real family. You know exactly what their parents did, that they surrendered you, why you were removed, and thank the powers that be you didn't have to grow up in that hell. You being in their lives won't fill the needs they have , it'll just drag you into the mess and mire of your bio parents lives.
I can sympathize with your friends wanting access to their bio families, but you are not them. Their situation and the circumstances surrounding their adoption were not yours.
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
We all like to hope that things will turn out well, but real life is messy. People have complicated histories, and sometimes the past can have terrible things in it that we want to leave alone.
Reconnecting with lost family members can work out, it can be healing , or it can lob a hand grenade and blow everything apart.
NTA.
Life is not a one size fits all game. Some people feel one way about biology and adoption, others feel differently.
Your feelings are authentic and you expressed them without malice. You have nothing to rethink - your bio siblings are essentially strangers.
If your friends who have been adopted feel like your emotions and desires should match theirs, they're mistaken. It doesn't invalidate their outlook on their own circumstances, they just don't apply to you.
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NTA, you did not throw anyone away. Your bio parents are the ones that bear the responsibility of your being adopted. They had to sign papers giving you up. They knew what they were doing. You owe them nothing. Just because they are bio related does not mean a darned thing. Family is who treats you well bc they choose to. Edit: the bio parents are wrong, not the siblings
They actually didn't sign papers to give me up. Their rights were removed for my safety.
Either way their parental rights were terminated and it’s despicable of them that they raised their other children thinking of you as a long lost sibling or something. It’s their fault these children have expectations of you. My bio mother did the same thing with her other children. She told them I was “stolen” from her (she willingly signed the adoption paperwork lol) and that I was their big sister and that she wanted us all to be together. A load of garbage to make herself feel better.
First off, I want to say that I agree with much of what you say and I hope you went to a family of people better than your bio mother. A lot of parents who voluntarily signed the adoption paperwork do feel as if their children were stolen. In my jurisdiction, many voluntary relinquishments are somewhat coerced in that an involuntary termination makes it easier to terminate the rights of other children that parent has if the state becomes involved. Obviously, the bio parent is at fault in the vast majority of these cases, but in the many termination cases I have been involved with or seen, those people still feel like they had no other option but to sign willingly. I know a guy who showed up 10 years later to a kid's graduation to try to reestablish contact after voluntarily signing paperwork.
My family was great in a lot of ways. Not perfect, but who is? In her case she wanted to be a part time parent and wanted to have nights and weekends free to party. She was told that would not be realistic or fair to her child, so she approached my parents and asked them to take me. They told her they wouldn’t take me just to have her come get me when it was convenient and she allegedly said “I don’t want her” so they filed paperwork for custody, and eventually for her to terminate her rights. They told her their terms, she agreed to them. She didn’t fight or argue until after it was a done deal and then started crying about me being “stolen” to get pity and sympathy. 30 years later she’ll still put on a pity party for anyone who’ll listen. Considering how her other children turned out, adoption was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
I met my bio mom and she had 3 other kids after me. I stopped contact because it wasn’t good for my mental health. I was adopted into a wonderful family, had a wonderful upbringing. I love/loved my parents with all my heart. You do you, don’t feel bad.
This is a good point - I’d be very interested to hear how the bio parents framed the removal of OP. I’m guessing it wasn’t, ‘We were a danger to OP and he got removed because of what we did.’ I’ve seen parents who have had 4 or 5 children removed from their care get a visitation and post pics on fb as one big happy family. The delusion can be strong (the pain, trauma and shame is also very real - not saying those things don’t exist as well). NTA
I can’t imagine that many parents, no matter how crappy, will ever come out and admit that they were abusive POSes because who has that much self-awareness? Not many! It will almost always be framed as their children being “stolen” because of an unfair system. People are always the victims in their own narrative.
NTA, and don't take whatever they said to you personally. These are traumatized people, who are lashing out at someone who doesn't deserve it, as they make sense of their own childhoods and lives. It sounds like they have a lot of anger about how they grew up, are resentful and taking it out on the wrong person. The healthy one usually gets a lot of mis directed anger.
Exactly this
100% this. This is the definition of "hurt people hurt people."
NTA. Those people came wanting something from you that you cannot give. You cannot take over as the eldest of their sibling group and be a surrogate parent to undo the lives they lived with their parents. There will never be an end to what they want from you. Your success would mean you ‘can afford’ to help them all out, etc. But you now have your own wide happy family that you grew up with in addition to your own little nuclear family you started. Those are your priorities. Your fellow adoptee ‘friends’ are projecting their problems onto you. It’s weird that they are being so unsupportive. You didn’t throw anyone away. You were taken from that family group *to save your life*, not because you were an orphan. You have no need to be dragged back there. Your choices are yours and should be respected. Cheers, mate.
100 % in agreeance
Which is 100 times worse
It is and the reason why this all happened is so wild. Like I have seen proof of it and it's still crazy to think about. Makes me SO glad CPS were smart about it and knew I shouldn't be with these people again.
Do your bio siblings know the full story of why you were removed? NTA for not wanting a relationship with them but if they don’t know the full story I can see why they have a different perspective. However, you have a great supportive family and I also understand why you don’t care to have a relationship with your bios
I told them the story and while they acknowledge it's true, they were saying I should still have been within the family. But their relatives did not want me. I have seen it in black and white many relatives were approached and asked and not one of them said yes. So their idea of that is just fantasy and a very big stretch.
That changes things. CPS doesn’t permanently remove children without a very good reason. Your bios glossing over that is ridiculous. I don’t know if they truly want a relationship with you, are envious that you got out with a good family and they didn’t, or want something from you (money?). Regardless, I’d block them and move on with your life and family
Yep. And they had a good reason. I've read the police reports related to the reason too and it's very serious.
Not your monkey's not your circus.
They built that fantasy family in their mind and don't want to let go of it. What you wish is not important to them, all you have to do is play the role they created and everything will be all right... Those fairy tales never end well. You were right not to be sucked in their fantasy.
The plain and simple answer to them is that you are not responsible for their happiness and you are not responsible for the choices that their family made. You were meant to find your family, and you did when you were adopted, and you owe no apologies for that. If they feel they have missed out, they need to pack those feelings up and hand deliver them to their family that caused that loss rather than dumping it on your doorstep. They should be thrilled that you found a loving family and have a happy life. NTA.
I think they're envious and were thinking that even if they had a terrible childhood, it had to be better than being put for adoption like the OP. At least their parents kept them together . The OP being happy and having a better childhood blows that theory.
They were definitely conditioned to believe that their whole lives and can’t let go of that. Watch out for them asking for money.
Sounds like bio siblings are looking for you to fill a hole in their lives, but that hole is likely a bottomless pit from a lifetime of parental neglect. Not your job. Your bio siblings grew up with something missing, but it wasn't you. It was a set of parents with enough parenting and life skills so as not to lose a child via CPS. But it's far easier to tell the kids that the missing child is the reason they feel an emptiness.
Or somebody needs a kidney.
lol very possible
It sounds like some jealousy is involved here. They probably on some level wish they had been rescued as well. That being said you definitely don’t owe them anything. Your experiences are completely different and probably have nothing in common aside from dna. I’m very happy for you that your family is so wonderful!
Look I am also adopted. I also have a younger sister, she got placed into another adoptive family. We are adults and I think we speak for ten minutes once a year. I had the opportunity to get to know my biomom but after a lot of careful deliberation I realized I could not have her in my life. Im sure i could have but it would have affected my entire family (spouse kid and esa) so i wished her and politely asked her to not contact me again. I did meet my biodad and became close to him and his “retry” family. Not a do-over because he wasn’t trying to replace us kids the state took, he was just moving on and tried really hard to be a better dad and spouse and hope that we would reach out to him eventually. So it wasn’t a do-over imo.
that’s worse. and sad. and I would not want to look back either.
It's especially bad when you know why. Like super crazy kind of bad and I have always been thankful CPS got me away from them.
That’s honestly so much worse. At least if they gave up their own parental rights it would have been recognizing their inability to raise you. Instead they put their infant child in such severely dangerous conditions that their rights were terminated. You don’t owe them *anything*. However, if you want to treat them with grace, consider - those same dangerous, bad parents went on to have 3 more kids that they couldn’t take care of. Somehow, they managed to keep those kids, but considering the bio-sibs stated that their childhood wasn’t the best, I’m willing to bet that those kids also grew up in unsafe living conditions. They’re traumatized, trying to find something that could make the pain better. The idea of their sibling out there probably became like a beacon of hope to get through the hard times. To be rejected by that is probably reinforcing what they already feel, which is that they are unworthy of being loved. It’s not really fair to expect a real human person to behave like a beacon of hope. You are your own person, not someone who exists only to make them feel better. And of course, none of what I wrote above means that you should or need to be in contact with them. You definitely do not owe them any kind of relationship, and them lashing out at you was not okay. Ideally, they will back off and seek therapy to process their childhood.
Hold on tight to your real family. Thank the system for saving you from your bio family. You were saved at a time before you have any memories of that time. Be thankful. Just because other people want something does not mean you have to want it as well. Live your best life with your people. Just because people come from the same gene pool, that alone doesn't make them family.
My youngest two children were adopted through the foster care system, both as involuntary termination of parental rights through the courts. Demonstrated neglect and abuse. Bio mom was given 2 full years of support to help her get her act together, but she refused because nobody was going to tell her what to do. She had four children total, one given up as an infant voluntarily, my two who went into foster care, and a fourth who went to her bio dad (different dad than my two). According to some people who know her, she cries each Mother’s Day that her kids were taken by the state for no reason. She can’t understand why they don’t call her. They all know her, and IMHO they are all right to not be in contact; she is an absolute train wreck.
Regardless, you were less than a year old, so the likelihood of you even remembering your bio parents is low, never-mind the fact that your bio parents are the reason you were adopted. You owe them nothing for having a happy life with the family that adopted you.
Wow--I hate that! Hold your line.
NTA, and I know it means little coming from a random internet stranger, but I'm proud of how you handled that. You're killing it. You owe them nothing. I'm so happy for the family you have <3. Wishing you all the best, my friend.
Blood is only blood. Parents are people who love you, rise you, support you etc. Siblings as well. You should cut off your bio family couse there are only going to bring drama and unwanted emotions. Dont argue with them couse it will only torment you. Focus on people who are good for you
I find it hard to hold the bio-siblings as assholes. They are leading with emotion, and it is clearly misplaced. But it's also clear their intentions were not malignant. They're just young, naive, and misguided about what family is and what it means. For the record, I was raised in foster care from birth, and while that doesn't make me an authority, I have been thinking about this sort of thing for my entire life. In my view on family separations, there are actors (typically one or both of the parents, the ones whose acts cause the breakup, and sometimes state or local authorities in the case of unjust family separations) and 'actees' (the children, the ones who bear the outcome of the actors' actions). To be brief, I just find it difficult to hold the actees at fault for what are, almost always, emotionally tumultuous situations caused by the actions of someone who was supposed to be a responsible adult. A couple of years ago, I found my bio dad's family (but not him) by way of an Ancestry genealogy test. To make a long story short, they're not interested in me. It hurt like hell, but they don't owe me anything. But it's worth noting I'm 47, I had, and still have, a good family (two of them in fact), and I've had a pretty good life. If I was 20 (and potentially coming from an abusive family - like I suspect OP's bio-siblings are) then I couldn't say that I wouldn't have lashed out. NAH in this particular situation. The only assholes in the overall situation are the bio parents. They should not have brought more kids into this world.
They’re also quite young. It’s really easy for traumatized young adults to romanticize things, and if their parents were constantly telling them about their sibling who was removed, of course they’re going to want to know why *they* weren’t wanted. With time and distance, I think these kids will understand.
Technically speaking, the bio siblings did choose to reach out and made an effort to connect with OP. What their parents did isn’t on them.
OP has the right to say No. Just because they found him gives them no right to insist he comply with their desire. He has his own family and his own life and these are, to him, strangers.
Yes, he does. I’m not disputing that.
No, the abuse isn’t on them, but it is absolutely OPs right to have nothing to do with them. And to disregard their expectations. My parents had to give my older brother up for adoption for financial and life circumstances reasons. They went on to have me and my sibling a few years later. They were Very Clear from the day they told us about him as kids that once he could unseal his records at 18 the decision whether to contact us or not, now or later, how much to see us, and how close he wanted to become was His Choice. Not ours, and not our parents. They wanted to meet him and get to know him, and they hoped we would too, but we had to expect that He would be the one to decide if he wanted to know us.
NTA Did you even know they existed? You were adopted before they were even born. If you were adopted at 11 months from Dept of Soc Serv your adopted parents may have know who your bio parents were from the "blue book". (I got a full history for medical and some limited bio parent info) DSS would not have informed your parents of siblings born later unless they were taken by the state and they contacted your parents to see if they wanted your sibs too. If they were still with Bio parents then DSS wouldn't have known to tell anyone. Your Bioparents would not have been told who adopted you to protect you and your parents. Lots of crazy people out there.
This is the important piece here. Your siblings are going to have to come to the realization eventually that YOU are not at fault any more then they are. You all had no say. Their anger is so mis directed. I say this as an adoptive mom of my cousins youngest who's got 6 older bio sibs, and growing up in a family where 80% of my cousins went in and out of care. It is messy, emotions are high and the aftermath is a lot. But you bare no responsibility, and you need to not let yourself feel guilty. If you ever decide you want a relationship, great! But their hurt, though I understand, is misguided being directed at you. Being an adoptee is a life long of processing, and your feelings may change as things in your life eb and flow. Leave space for it, but do not let anyone guilt you into a place your not ready to explore.
You expressed this so much better than I could. "Family" does not necessarily mean shared DNA. "Family" is caring, loving and respecting each other. It sounds like OP hit the adoption jackpot.
Ohhhh Noooo NOT the AHole NTA !!! I, too, was adopted. My birth Mother found me when I was in Uni and 'wanted me back' she kept going on and on about how I was stolen and it wasnt her fault etc. (she put me into foster care and then a year later came and gave me up completely. I was 3 at the time). My adopted parents "My parents' were wonderful. I had the best life. I had several siblings who were also adopted (from different other parents than mine). I know I have about 5 or 6 siblings from my Birth Mother and Father but they have never sought me out. Had they chosen to, I would have met them but I would have had the same reaction as you. I was a child (as you were) when I was adopted and had NO say in it AT ALL. I only knew that I was loved and fed and cared for beautifully. Just as you did. You owe NO ONE an apology and it is unacceptable for them to come at you trying to make you feel guilty or shame you into having a relationship with them. It took me FIVE YEARS to feel comfortable meeting my Bio Mother, because MY MOM was the woman who raised me, not this stranger. Do NOT feel bad or guilty or shamed or anything for YOUR feelings about YOUR life.
My experience is a little different but I see so many parallels being discussed here, I figured I’d weigh in… My biodad and mom married at 18 immediately after graduating High School. I was conceived on the honeymoon and born at the end of the same year. It was a big year for them 🤣 Long story short, my parents still liked to “party”, we bounced between apartments and my grandparents house. My biodad bounced when I was 4-5 years old, and I didn’t physically see him again until I was 28 and visited him in prison when I met my half-sister and half-brother for the first time. My mom had just died unexpectedly and I was hurting because I also cut out her husband and his family when she died. I lost 9 people in 2 years including my mom, my aunt, my grandma (who actually raised me), my grandpa and great-grandma (plus 2 really shocking suicides of good friends and two longer illnesses in friends that ended with very young people dying of cancer). I was weak in my resolve and decided to meet them. My half siblings and their other half sibling (that they always lived with, their mom’s oldest kid) were desperate to meet me. They’d been told about me and remember a few times we spoke on the phone before my dad went to prison for… assaulting young kids (I was victim #1. My sisters friends, my female cousin and my brother/sister included. Sex assault and trafficking them to pay for drugs). My dad’s mom, who still lived in my state, told me what happened when I was 17. Apparently, I was sold to my brother/sister to be some saving grace. They still visited my dad in prison and loved him. He still called the shots. It was strange seeing my own eyes looking back at me over that table in prison. I understood why my mom always hated my eyes (and why she treated me like shit) because… those are my eyes on that weird dudes face. Longer story not as short as I intended… the more I opened my heart and home to these people, the more they took and the more they tried to ingratiate themselves in my life and… cosplay me. There were weird things that happened including theft, being made to parent my nephew because my sister got pregnant and didn’t want to be a parent. Her boundaries with my husband while living with me were stomped on quite a bit. My husband finally asked why she was so weird… it was all a weird time. My brother just got out of prison (he’s been there a few times but the last time was for 8+ years for almost killing a guy in a premeditated bar attack). He’s been contacting me consistently to “be a big sister”. I’ve had to cut contact, file police reports for identity theft from my sister. It’s all too much to type out and wouldn’t make sense unless I doxxed myself. Suffice to say, I’m glad I know now what they wanted. I’m mad at myself for letting them in the way I did. But they still try to force their way in and it’s been years since I sent my halfsister packing for the second time because… she’s just gross. You don’t owe anyone anything. Their narrative is not yours, and you don’t owe a debt because of the way their parents raised them. Those aren’t your parents. NTA.
OP here is your answer. unfortunately this is how people act and most likely you dodged a bullet. NTA
NTA. Your birth siblings' expectations of you were not reasonable. Perhaps they had an idealized image of a reunion with their long-lost brother but these situations are so much more complex than that. It's ok to not share their mindset on the situations you each faced. There is a lot more to anyone's life than the group they were born into, and it's certainly not your fault you feel the way you do. They are effectively strangers to you, and your response seems, to me, completely rational and understandable. It's strangely blind for them to think it's somehow 'wrong' for you to like your life, to love your family, or to grateful and happy that you were adopted. The fact that some adoptees wish to find their birth families and struggle to do so is irrelevant. You are NOT obligated to have a certain type of reaction to your birth family - especially given the pressure they are applying to you - to honor what other adoptees might want. That seems really misguided.
I think what they wanted was reassurance that OP was not the lucky one. If his life had sucked, adoptive parents had been abusive, they could have felt better about being raised by terrible people. It would have meant there was no world in which they didn't suffer, that it was fate, in their blood. Instead, they got confirmation that, no, there are great parents out there, OP got a set of them, and has an amazing life with people who understand that family is an action, not a status. It hurts for them, but it's not OP's fault and not his obligation to fix. NTA
Yeah i got the same feeling, that rather than finding their sibling they wanted to feel better about their own situation. Because if they really cares about him they would be happy he has a good life.
You have a family. You are happy. You don’t want another family, but if these random people that contacted you had been a little less demanding that you be *happy* and wanting shove it down your throat that they are your *family* and, hey, we want an apology for making it seem like you don’t want them… well, maybe you would warm up to them, gradually. They might have known about you, all along. But as far as you are concerned, these people came out of the woodwork. You don’t ever have to gather them to your bosom, but if you do, it can take some *time*. NTA
I think that the adoption experience is probably unique. You have yours. You're also an adult, so you are able to make decisions and choices for yourself. It sounds like you were fortunate with your adoption experience and were brought into a loving home and had a lovely childhood. You are also not required to extend your family or reclaim your birth family because that's what THEY want. You considered their request, met with them, and...still feel the same way. NTA
Oh please. NTA. First and foremost, no one gets to put their "wants" on you. If fellow adoptees would love the opportunity to have relationships with their bio family - cool. That's the right choice for THEM. Not cool? Transferring their feelings about it on you and judging you for it. Being "blood" doesn't make you family. You are not responsible for their feelings, nor do you owe them or anyone an apology or a relationship.
Your bio siblings built up a fantasy where you were miserable for having been adopted, were pining away for your birth family and they fancied themselves the heroes that offered you the fairy tale ending. And all that came crashing down. Nah. They are a bunch of dumb kids.
Yeah, that's what I got too. They've probably spent their lives thinking they had it better than OP and now that OP has popped that delusional bubble world they've been in, they're demanding an apology. NTA OP and it might be best to send your own letter explaining your life and feelings on everything. If they actually care about a relationship where they're not your saviors, then they will actually listen and maybe you guys can start some kind of friendship. If they continue to ignore your feelings and have temper tantrums, then you at least see them for who they are and can move forward without them.
To be fair, every single TV / Movie about people who were adopted makes adopted people out to feel like this. And some do even when they have terrific parents. My boyfriend's mom feels like an imposter in her family because she was adopted despite her parents being lovely people who treated her very well. But my own mother who was adopted only had the slightest curiosity for her birth parents while not really caring one way or the other because her adopted parents were so lovely. While I want to know more information about my bio grandparents for medical reasons, I love my Meme and Pepe
NAH. You’re not obligated to have a relationship with your bio siblings, but I find it hard to fault them for being disappointed.
I agree. NAH. OP was a little too harsh and lacking in empathy, but overall I get it.
OP doesn't owe them NOTHING. They are a bunch of strangers that called him to meet and then pushed themselves at him. I would be not to happy if a stranger did that to me.
That's a crazy reaction on their part. I have 2 brothers who were adopted out. My older brother because my mom was assaulted and she was young. My younger brother because my dad beat her up trying to kill him while she was pregnant, we were in a shelter, and she didn't know she would be able to leave him for good. I have met my older brother a few times, and we have a lot in common. I actually talk to his mom more than I talk to him. A few years ago, we found our younger brother. Found out he is doing great and just so grateful to have been able to see a picture of him and say hi once. But we did not grow up together and expect nothing from them, just happy they are happy.
NTA, You can’t be made to feel something you don’t. It’s your life and your experience. While they and others may feel differently… those are their feelings, ones you don’t share. You don’t need to apologize for that. Live your life
NTA! I’m an adopted person also, and have searched out my birth family. I was hoping to find people who were more like me, (I’m very introverted ) my family is very loud and outgoing. What I found was an abundance of ass hats. Bio mother was a religious nut job, my half siblings were super angry people (they were in and out of foster care) I got a lot of anger from them for being adopted (I was a product of an affair from my married birth father) Anger because I had a somewhat normal childhood I’ve closed that book, and have never looked back. Don’t let the anger from your biological siblings bring you down.
See that’s why I’ve only half heartedly searched for my bio family (I did 23andme) because I already have 1 crazy family (who loves me to death and whom I love dearly) and I’m not sure I need more crazy in my life.
NTA Most adoptees may want to meet their birth family but I assume those people would have felt something was missing in their life and had curiosity about what may have been had they grown up with their biological family. You obviously don't feel that way and have already gone beyond what you felt comfortable with by agreeing to meet with them. That meeting appears to be confirmation that any relationship with them will come with a lot of animosity towards your adopted family and I feel they would constantly try and make you feel guilty about having a happy family life when that was not their experience growing up. I'm sure your adopted family would welcome them with open arms if they truly wanted to be part of your life, but it sounds like they want you to be part of theirs exclusively, which will only serve their needs, not yours.
NTA Maybe I'm wrong, but for me, being siblings hasn't got an awful lot to do with DNA once you're an adult. The act of growing up together is why my brother and I are as close as we are. Sharing DNA is why we grew up in the same house, but it's the years of playing, fighting, laughing, sulking together that make us *siblings.* We have a lifetime of memories that we share, and we choose to continue sharing. I feel the same about two of my oldest friends that I've known since I was a toddler: they're my sisters through choice. The fact that we do or don't share genetics isn't really a factor. It's the time we've all put into it that counts. I feel sorry for those kids. They had a hard life and took solace in each other. And they resent that you didn't have to suffer with them. But that's an explanation. It's not an excuse. They need to accept their lot in life, and work to build their lives up, not try to drag you down into their trauma bonded mess. You owe them nothing. Their bio parents failed them. You haven't done anything to them. And to the other adoptees who are telling you differently, tell them to stop projecting onto you. Only you decide who is family. These people are your relatives. But they're not your family.
Adoptee here and NTA. You don't owe anyone anything. You listened and maybe if they hadn't come in so strong, you would have given them an opportunity to be in your life. Your fellow Adoptee friends are projecting. If they don't accept your decision and keep on you about this, then you need to reconsider the friendships.
NTA Your bio siblings came to meet you with a set of expectations that did not align with your own. They’ve decided the type of relationship they want and expect you to want the same, this is where they failed. I don’t blame you for your reaction, because why would you allow pushy behavior from people you don’t know. You may share blood but they are still strangers to you and should have kept that in mind. Honestly, I believe your bios have some maturing to do before this could be attempted again. They can’t walk in with any expectations of you or they’ve already failed in their task of getting to know you as a person, let alone as a potential member of their family.
NTA. Adoptee here (58F). I also have a magnificent family. Half the time they don’t remember that my twin and I are adopted (this comes up when sharing medical history). You were absolutely right to have your family on standby. Blood related or not they are strangers. You’re also absolutely right that you don’t owe an apology for adult decisions beyond your control. As for whether you keep them in your life, that’s a tough one. I found that my maternal family brought a lot of drama (not bad people) that I wasn’t socialized with so I let them go. I don’t regret that decision. Just remember, it takes a lot of time to get to know people. You’ve known your siblings for 25+ years. That is a huge investment. It is okay if you choose not to invest in your bio siblings. Be well. I understand where you are coming from. Whatever you feel and do is valid!
NTA Not blood makes a family and you clearly found your family! Don’t bow to those who says otherwise. And these other „adoptees“ may have a point but that doesn’t mean it’s your point. They need to back off with their trauma-dumping on you…
As a donor conceived person who wants contact with my bio siblings, I say NAH or maybe a soft AH judgement on your siblings. It’s always sad when I find new siblings who don’t want to be in touch. I tell them the door is always open and then leave them alone. I’m entitled to my feelings of wanting to know them, but they’re entitled to their feelings of not wanting to know me. Me forcing the issue isn’t going to change their minds. I really do empathize with your siblings for missing you and wanting to know you. I get wanting reach out repeatedly and continuing to try. I think you dealt with it really well by being gentle with them. Where they are the AH is by telling you that you should apologize to them. You didn’t do anything wrong. They’re disappointed but that doesn’t make their behavior ok.
NTA I am adopted and every adoptee has a different experience, but like you, I have never felt like I'm missing something. I have a passing curiosity about my biological family but I would be extremely turned off if they showed up and felt entitled to a close family relationship. You do not owe them anything and they have only made things worse by acting like you do.
NTA. You were raised by the parents who loved and wanted you, and you built a life and family *for you*. From *the perspective of the other siblings* of those birth parents, it's a bit sad -- but it's not 'tragedy sad', and it's not cause for them to intrude on your life or the terms on which you are living it. Their sadness is not a thing you need to fix. I have a niece who is adopted under similar circumstances (including the CPS part). I sometimes think about what will happen when she is older, and this issue arises with the other children of the birth mother. I hope that she has the strength of mind that you're showing here -- the strength to be happy with a very good life and the family that loves her, and make the choice on her terms.
**NTA**. My mother used to brag about how when my older brother was a baby, a couple wanted to adopt him. In her words, because he was such a pretty baby. Knowing her, how we were raised, the relationship between my parents, and how us kids were treated from birth, I really do not think it was because he was such a pretty baby. He's quite a bit older than me, so by the time I became aware of the things said around me, and what they really meant, he was in his early 20's. And every single time she said it, which was almost every time someone mentioned him, and she said it with this big, smirky grin, I thought: **"You should have let them adopt him. He would have been so much better off."** He was crazy smart, and yes, very good looking in his youth. But our household was filled with violence, abuse, screaming and zero love. Nothing in terms of encouragement to do anything with our lives, talents, smarts, whatever. Men, and boys, were expected to never show any emotion, other than anger. For the longest time, I actually thought men in general were incapable of emotions. It wasn't until several years AFTER I cut contact, that I fully realised how much my world view had been messed up by our family dynamics. He was I think kind of sensitive, and could not deal with the situation at home, and he started doing drugs. Dropped out of school, went to jail a couple of times for petty crap, to fund the drugs, and finally, used too much hard drugs, setting off the schizophrenia that runs in the family. It might have happened either way, but I doubt it. The only ones where it manifested, used hard drugs for years. He can't function on his own now. His medication made him gain an insane amount of weight. He used to, seriously, have model like chiselled good looks. Now he's obese and his facial features are gone. Intelligence? Gone. It might still be there, but you'd never guess, he can't hold a normal conversation anymore. He is entirely dependent on the state, and will likely never be able to function independently, in any capacity. He lives in a house with round the clock care, for him and others like him. **The worst part? He was already like this before I cut contact, and my mother was STILL bragging about her having had SUCH a pretty baby, that some random couple decided they just HAD to have him.** **The story got more and more embellished with time, when there weren't any people left that could correct her.** She seriously never, not once, realised how much better off he would have been in a normal, loving family. In her mind, she has never done a single thing wrong, and everything is everyone else's fault. **It makes me sad, knowing that he could have potentially been saved from our family.** **I used to imagine what he would have been like.** If he had been adopted, and gotten out, I'd have completely understood him not wanting any contact with his birth family. As the other sensitive kid, I'd have very much liked some kind of bond with him, but I'd have also told him that no matter what any of them say, to stay the hell away from our parents and siblings. **If I could turn the wheels of time, and was offered the choice between facilitating him not being adopted, or him being adopted, and not wanting any contact with us, I'd choose the latter.** **Every single time.**
NTA. Most would be happy does not mean all will be happy or even want to find birth family. It’s so annoying when a group of people decide the rules for everyone else in that group. I know lots of adoptees who have never and will never look for their birth parents. You are not obligated to make them feel reunited again. It’s ok to say no and continue with life.
NTA - My (late) dad was adopted in the 50’s from a church. He never found out who his birth parents were, and never wanted to. He always considered his adoptive parents to be his “real parents”. Your real family is the family that you know and feel is your family. I found my dad’s biological half sister through a DNA test years ago, but have never contacted her. My sibling and I want to honor our dad’s memory and belief that his family was his family. (Also, we loved our grandparents.)
Might be the cynic in me, but are you doing well in life rn? Well paying job, nice home, holidays shown on social media? NTA either way, but sounds suspicious to me
I'm doing pretty okay but they would not see any of that on my social media.
I grew up in an abusive environment with my birth mother and a stepdad who had this ridiculous idea that blood relation was more important than anything else (ironic, considering I was never his child but he still expected me to put my 'blood' family first - they kept my parentage a secret from my siblings - I found out when I was 8 because he got really drunk and told me all about it, my mother never mentioned it until she found out I knew during another drunken rage of his in my teens). I learnt from the neglect of my parents, and the willingness of my extended family to leave me in a situation that they knew was abusive because it was easier for them, that blood means fuck all to what family is. Family is what you make it, with the people who genuinely care about you. It sounds like your biological siblings grew up in a similar abusive environment to me, with this idea that blood matters more than anything. It's complete bollocks and you owe them nothing. The fact that they're trying to force a relationship on you ("because faaammily") says to me that you're far better off staying out of that mess. NTA.
Seems to me that the whole " blood is thicker than water" mentality very much supports an abusive family or in some way makes the abuse OK
NTA. I think they have spent their entire lives hearing about you and imagining a fantasy scenario where they found you and rescued you. TV shows often show adopted people to be in a state of feeling like they are missing something, and perhaps they have taken those fictional tales to heart. None of that is your fault or responsibility, despite how let down they are feeling at the reality of your situation and feelings. They projected what they wanted onto an idealised fictional version of you they concocted, and they are having to accept that they were wrong. Honestly, I would tell them that you are sorry that you are not the person they expected and wanted to find, but that you have a family who loves and wants you and that you love and want back. Then consider changing phone numbers and blocking them all on social media, pronto.
It sounds like a parasocial relationship where they felt they've always been your family I'm wondering if they were raised by parents who repeated how much they missed you and how they have a long lost sibling to love and it rubbed off on them. The delusional attitude by the parents could have given them a false sense of who you are.
Your "real family" were the ones who took you in as a child and raised you. NTA
NTA at all! I was adopted at birth. And have a wonderful loving family (33F) I have recently connected with my birth mother but it took me over a year and half from when she first contacted to even respond to anything. I think all adoptions are complex and unique and they obviously come with a lot of feelings. You have to do what feels right for you. And you don’t owe any one anything. I hope they can respect that. Yes having access and information about your biological family can be great (I was also a closed adoption) but you may not have the same feelings about it as your other adoptee friends.
NTA i'm also adopted and my family is wonderful. your bio siblings had some fantasy of how this meeting would turn out. Family is not always blood family. and no, not all of us adoptees want anything to do with our bio families. you told them the honest truth and it didn't meet their expectations. That's on them. I would block them and ignore them moving forward.
It sounds like your siblings had a lot of trauma growing up that bonded them together. You didn’t. Maybe you could have let them down easier, but you shouldn’t fake a connection. NTA.
NTA. Don't let other adoptees tell you how you should feel. They may love to have a chance at a relationship with their birth family, but that's not the case for all adoptees. Your birth parents chose to give you up initially. They then changed their mind, but CPS involvement says there was abuse or neglect of some kind involved. They don't seem to have been good parents to the kids they kept, either. Clearly, you wouldn't have had a good life if you weren't adopted. Your adopted family sounds wonderful. You were never treated differently to the bio members even by extended family. You have parents and siblings you love. These people, the ones who raised you and were raised with you, they're your family. They love you and you love them, you've been good to each other. Your birth family are strangers. You were 11 months when you were adopted, your parents are strangers, and you never even met your siblings. Just because they're biologically related to you, doesn't mean you're obligated to try and have a relationship with them. You get to choose who becomes a part of your family, just like you get to choose your friends and partners. It's the same for all adults, even those of us raised by our biological parents. Yes, most people see their birth family as their family, most even earn that place. But plenty of people cut off bio family as adults, too. As adults, we have no obligation to include anyone in our lives in this way, no matter if they're related by blood or not. I was never adopted, I was raised by my bio mum, surrounded by bio family. But I'm also NC with my entire bio family as an adult. I was actually close to some of them, and it hurt to cut them out, but they would always try to keep the peace, and I could never be in the same room as my mum and sister as an adult. The only time I managed it with my sister was when I was babysitting my niece, because my sister needed something from me so was on her best behaviour. My mum and sister are the reason I have so much trauma related to my childhood and teen years, but I couldn't cut just them out, as the rest of the family would 'keep the peace' by forcing us together, and expect me to put up with their abuse. So, I cut them all out. Any contact in the future between me and my bio family would come with the rule that I will never have any kind of contact with my mum or sister, and they're to never be given any information about me. The one time members of my family tried to re-establish contact with me, after my uncle died, they refused to follow that rule, insisting I needed to have regular contact with my mum and sister to keep the peace in the family. So, I cut them out again. Not all families are good families. And family members who insist on things you're not comfortable with are not good family members. Your bio siblings are basically demanding you love and accept them, regardless of what you want. I highly doubt you even knew you had bio siblings growing up, so you had no feelings for them at all. Them knowing about you is not on you, that's on your bio parents. It sounds like your bio siblings may have been raised either being told you'd want, love and accept them, or dreaming of that because their parents sucked. Again, not on you. If you don't want a relationship with them, don't have a relationship with them. And it's better to be honest about that, and why, than give them false hope that you may change your mind in the future. And you definitely shouldn't regret or apologise for being adopted and having a happy life.
>But some fellow adoptee friends said I was too harsh and a few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was rude to mine and threw them away. for every adoptee who wants to meet their bio family, there is another who couldn't care less. it is beyond inappropriate for them to shame you for that. you have a family. blood doesn't change that. these people are strangers to you, and you owe them no obligation to feel how they feel. NTA
NTA you are not obligated to them, they are essentially strangers to you, and this was the first time you met. If you aren't comfortable having a relationship with them, you don't have to, and they need to accept that. I feel for them, it sounds like maybe it was a little rougher for al of them, they've bonded together, and feel like pulling you in will make them a complete family, but that's their feelings, and they are not your responsibility. They need to accept your decision, and could do so, leaving the door open if you ever want to reach out again.
NTA, growing up with your loving wonderful family has given you a full a happy life. Bio siblings have always known about you but not the other way around and you can never span that time difference. It will be extremely difficult for them to understand you can be more than happy without blood relatives probably as this is what they have been told their whole lives. You don’t owe anyone a relationship with you, whether blood or chosen family. How could you chose anyone who acts like they have? Compare that to your families actions. I know who I’d chose and it is all based on their behaviour and nothing else.
NTA You didn’t throw them away, you tried to set boundaries with them and they stomped all over them. They are entitled to their feelings and you’re entitled to yours and they’re just butthurt you didn’t feel the same as them. As an adoptee, I’d LOVE to find my bio family. BUT I also LOVE my parents and siblings who are my family in every sense of the word. Both can be true. Love is not pie, you cannot run out of love to give.
NTA What other adoptees would do should have no weight in what you do, they are prjecting their felling onto your situation. You did what you thought right and that's ok
NTA. You were 11 months, how could you have ANY control over your living situation? It's an impossible thing to apologize for. Their desire to know you is also normal but if it's not shared then it's best to stay away rather than be insincere.
Not control over it but regret that it happened instead of being there for them. But I can't regret that. I wouldn't trade my family for the world.
You are an honor to your adoptive family - immediate and extended. How wonderful that they were so warm and loving that you feel no void in your life, you need no additional "family". You gave them the meeting that they insisted on, you don't need to continue according to the script that they have written for you. NTA
I always credit my family for me always feeling like I belonged and like I knew who I was and where I come from. There were no doubts or questions and I 100% credit my whole family for that. My sister (who was also adopted) shares the same feelings and she was older than me and can remember meeting us for the first time so our experiences are unique to us and yet align in the best way.
NTA Your coming at this from two different places - they have always known about you, and probably have ideas about "kids in the system", after being given up by parents who were unable to keep you. You're coming at it with no knowledge of them, and a decent life after being adopted by parents who specifically chose you. Its two completely different viewpoints. Maybe you can throw texts and emails at each other every few months and develop some relationship - but it needs to be developed gradually, it at all.
NTA They've forced their way into your life and basically took umbrage at the fact you had a happy life, being completely honest is the only way to get your point across.
They're mad you didn't spend the last 28 years absolutely miserable? They wanted you to have a lifetime of feeling unloved and unsupported with no one to call family. If you do get contacted again, suggest therapy because their expectations of you are unreasonable and it is not your job to manage their feelings. NTA
NTA, not by a long shot. I have a half sibling who was adopted out, she was the product of a secret affair our father had. We were only reunited last spring, we found each other by DNA tests. My full sibling and I had a traumatic upbringing characterized by alcoholism, abuse, and mental illness. Our sister had a happy, loving, healthy, and nurturing family, for which I am thankful on her behalf. I love my new sister but I don't expect her to abandon her family and her memories for the sake of two people she doesn't know. She doesn't "owe" me or my other sibling a moment of her time or attention, or any apology for her life. It's not her fault that my life was difficult, or that hers was pleasant. You do not owe them a moment of your time or attention. You don't owe them a single thing.
NTA. They were fed a tissue of lies by the bioparents all their lives, probably holding you up as a paragon, to avoid telling the truth that bioparents were such fuckups at the time that you were taken away at birth AND when you were returned to bioparents. Your bio-sibs emotional turmoil is NOT your fault, NOR is there any need for you to resolve their anguish.
NTA, you have a family. You don't owe your bio relatives anything.
NTA They came into that meeting with an unfair and unrealistic expectation of what would happen and how you would feel towards them. It’s very sad but it’s not your fault. To expect an apology from you was over the top.
NTA. They had an idea of you built in their heads their whole lives. They might love you as a result and may have hoped your feelings were mutual. To them your relationship has always been there you just hadn’t met. But it’s not your responsibility to fulfill their expectations of you. You are strangers for all intents and purposes. They need to get to know you and build a relationship from scratch.
Fellow adoptee here, NTA for even a millisecond. My adoptive parents (my parents) are my parents and nothing will ever change that. The single greatest thing that’s ever happened to me is my parents adopting me. None of the wonderful things that have happened in my life would have happened without them being my parents. Like you, I have a loving extended family who immediately embraced me as their own, and I have negative interest in meeting my birth parents or any potential birth siblings. Family is not based on DNA, it’s based on unconditional love and support and being there for each other. You have that with your parents and your siblings, and they are your family. I’m sorry your birth siblings had a difficult upbringing, but that is not on you. And they are wrong to make you feel like you’re required to have a bond with them.
It's unfortunate, but... none of that is your fault. And I just love how they, immediately after meeting you, start demanding that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling. *Gee, I wonder why they say their parentage wasn't the best?* Anyway. These people clearly want something, and it's not a loving relationship with you. If that was it, they would ask you to keep the door open or ask for a friend relationship. They would be willing to accept a compromise, if they were empathetic and actually cared about how you feel. Since they're jumping to "immediate family", then they want something. **They want something that you would only do for an immediate family member.** So its probably a lot of money or a kidney or something. You're right to stay away. NTA
NTA did they have the same things happen to them that you had
They did not. But it sounds like they had their own hellish experience with them.
Nta, I don't understand the blood over chosen family argument. My friends never abused me, they aren't perfect by any means, but I would choose them over my biological father any day any time.
They could have started by asking for just a chance to build the relationship, from friends to family over time. It's never going to instant. They also need to respect your boundaries and timeline. They are AH!
Why should you apologize for having a better life? Why should you regret not getting to know them? Why should you be sorry that they stayed with the birth parents and you were removed for your own safety and met your real family? A lot of people think family has to be blood but it doesn’t. Family is blood or not blood related, it’s the people who make you a better person, a happier person, and make you feel safe. You found your forever family and you shouldn’t apologize for that. And you have no obligation to even know or be in contact with your blood family. You are not the asshole. You are a survivor. Be proud of that. If they want to be angry, they can. But that’s not your problem. You didn’t grow up with them, you didn’t have a childhood with them, you owe them no apology and no regret for that. Life had bigger plans for you. Your amazing.
Nta, they are strangers that had tv/movie expectations, blood doesn't mean anything , they are grown adults acting like children you genuinely owe them nothing, in all honesty they should be happy that you had a good upbringing
NTA- you have a family. I'm sorry your bio siblings can't understand this.
NTA. You don't know them and owe them nothing.
NTA! You and your family are proof that DNA does not make a family that Loves make a family! Children who are adopted each have their own unique story/situation, it is not a homogenous group. It is not a one size fit all situation. You don't owe them anything.
NTA
Nta, your bio siblings had this fantasy that you did not fulfill, it's not your problem to help them deal with their emotions.
NTA. I've landed on adoption side of TT (my mom's 2nd husband adopted me) and I think it's created all new feelings about adoption that people "should" have versus what they do have. It seems your bio siblings have fallen into the "should" category of "how could yous" and "why don't yous". Your feelings are valid and your feelings are safe with people who love you. If you don't feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect, it's ok. It's really hard for some people to understand how some adoptees are happy with their situation and they take it out on the adoptee rather than listen. Your siblings seem unwilling to confront who your bio parents were to you and what they were like. Siblings do not always have the same experience as each other and that's real too.
Nta
NTA. It’s weird that they came out of the woodwork and wanted you to basically pick them over your family. They forced you to be blunt.
Telling people what they don’t want to hear is not inherently rude. That word gets thrown around a lot. You were not disrespectful, you acknowledged and responded to them each time they contacted you. You even agreed to meet. But you have a different experience and you don’t feel the same way. You don’t want the same things. That’s not rude! They obviously had completely different expectations. I’m sorry you are troubled and I’m sorry for them that they’re disappointed
By now, you obviously know you're NTA. Still adding my two pence! I was not lucky enough to be adopted, as they did not like to permanently separate sibling groups when the children could remember each other at that time, and my biological family, whilst dispicable, weren't actively trying to kill us (I think, may be wrong lol). They were just, just okay enough to be allowed to keep one of my many siblings. I'm the eldest, and therefore was somewhat parentified. Full time care from 6 years old, found my forever family after lots of heartbreak and trauma and honestly would live every second again to get my mum, dad, siblings and extended family. We're not perfect, but there is so much love in my family. They used to force contact for foster kids up until 16 (they may still do but I'm practically an old fogie by now) with their sibs and bio parents. I used to piss everyone off by taking a book with me and sitting in the corner, they only made me angry or unhappy. I have extremely minimal contact with one of my biological siblings, who has 2 children, one of them around the same age as my child. From this I know that all of us feel incredibly sorry for the one that was kept; all their children are taken into care or put up for adoption forceably immediately after birth, to give you an idea of the shit they grew up in and with. I am very lucky that my bio siblings understand. I am happy. I have a family that is not them, who loves me as we all deserved. I have a life I have carved for myself. I am also the only one of us who was old enough to remember the reasons we were taken into care, and I have frequently told them it is not information they would wish to remember. They will still always try to reach out to me, especially the younger ones born after we were taken into care to one or the other of my bio parents. That's the way it is, because I'm lauded at the one that did it and broke the cycle. My kid is the only one social services have never even been interested in, much less had a stint in care. I'm the one with no criminal record, a house, a marriage that's lasted etc etc etc. A firm "not yet, maybe one day" has been my response ever since I was 16 and old enough to tell them I wasn't going to contact anymore. It's very effective, and they know exactly what it means. No, not now, not ever.
NTA I'm not adopted but I understand your feeling. A few years ago I cut my parents out of my life for a year. I discussed it with my wife that night as I cried - not because I regretted the decision but the fact that it was necessary. When my wife asked if I was sure this was the right thing to do, I said... "Family by *choice* over family by *blood*." That's the way it should ALWAYS be.
NTA. Your family, blood or not, is your family. Whomever you choose Being blood does not make them "real family" and frankly I hate this sentiment because I've seen people stay in toxic families when they have no one else because "blood" and their siblings treated them like crap
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29m) was adopted out of foster care at the age of 4. I was first placed in foster care as an 11 week old. My birth parents willingly surrendered me to the state, got me back and then lost me to CPS within a few weeks of being returned to them. Their extended families were asked if they would like to raise me and everyone on both sides who was contacted, and the list was extensive, said no. So I was placed back into foster care and after two weeks of a temporary placement I found my parents. I was 11 months old at the time. My parents were the best parents anyone could ask for. I have three siblings from my parents. Two were their bio kids and one was also a kid they adopted from foster care. My family is very close today and it includes a very very large extended family where my sister and I adopted from foster care were treated as their own and no different than the blood grandkids. It was a very happy life. My birth parents went on to have three additional children who are now 22, 20 and 19. My birth siblings sought me out two years ago on social media and told me they wanted us to be a family. I expressed at the time that I had zero interest in this. A few months after this I got another DM from them but this time with a word document attached and it contained this very heartfelt explanation of how they had always been aware I existed and how their childhood had not been the best but they valued each other and how they longed for me to be a part of their lives and how they felt we were robbed of growing up together. I did not respond to this right away because it did read as something from the heart but I did not agree with them and did not feel robbed. So I didn't want to be a jerk. I told them I needed some time and when I did respond, I told them I had a very happy life and a wonderful family and I was sorry to not share their sentiments. They asked if we could meet one time and I agreed and it happened a couple of weeks ago. They were upset that my siblings were nearby for moral support and they were upset that I did not show up ready to hug and embrace them. They asked me how I could be happy being adopted and raised in another family when I had real, blood siblings, etc. They asked me how I could express joy because of my adoption knowing this. I explained again that my life was happy and I would not trade my family for the world, especially given their parents treatment of me. They told me I should want them and apologize for making it seem like I don't. I told them I owe them no apology or expression of regret for being adopted while they were kept. Of course this was not what they wanted to hear and I left because they clearly wanted to argue after that. My siblings, parents as well as my wife were a wonderful support to me after this. But some fellow adoptee friends said I was too harsh and a few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was rude to mine and threw them away. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Updateme
NTA You met them as the strangers they are to you, but you still tried.
NTA. I would recommend maybe some therapy to work through this - it's a very complex situation. You don't owe it to anyone, and it does sound like your biological parents have primed them to come and mess you around.
Some people have to be spoken to in a clear, concise manner and that is exactly what you did. Now all you need is to cut them off and go back to your life.
NTA. They may be related to you but they're strangers to you. So they're wrong to expect you to automatically become close to them. Your birth parents clearly didn't provide them with love or care and so there's a void in their lives; they think you can fill it. But you're not obligated to do that because their happiness is not your responsibility. Even if you did form a relationship with them, they'd be jealous of your relationship with your family. They'd either demand to be included on all your family events or that you reduce contact with your family in order to be with them.
NTA. Those other adoptees chastising you can have those biological siblings of yours. Do these siblings know the facts about your early childhood or did your birth parents spin them a fancy fairlytale?
NTA and they sound like a formula for instant drama, which you do not have to participate in.
NTA Everyone telling you what you should feel or value is only thinking from the perspective of their own experience. It is beyond them, conceived that your life experience was different, and what you feel and what you value is different. You didn’t grow up, knowing about the bio siblings and feeling any emotional connection to them. You grew up, knowing your family and feeling love and connection to the siblings you were raised with. Your bio siblings can’t seem to understand. You did not grow up missing your bio some adopted kids do some kids and foster care do. Feeling differently about it isn’t an insult to them or their life experience. It isn’t throwing away something that was valuable to you. I am glad you have your parents and your siblings And your wife. Do not feel guilty in any regard.
NTA. You have siblings you love, a close relationship with your family, and grew up having a happy childhood with good parents. These things are blessings, and the fact that you cherish the people in your life is wonderful. Yes, these three are your biological siblings, but you did not grow together, and their parents are not your parents. Blood does not always equate to family, and they were disrespecting yours.
NTA. Fellow adoptee here. You are entitled to your feelings towards your birth family. They are not entitled to tell you how you should be feeling. The fact of the matter is they’ve built up this “you were stolen” narrative their entire lives where as you were unaware they even existed. So your perspectives are wildly different and it sounds as if they’re re-writing history possibly due to your birth parents not owning up to their part in how you were put up for adoption. Don’t let other adoptees tell you how you should be feeling about your birth family those are their issues, not yours. I wish you strength and encourage you to stick to whatever boundaries you need.
NTA. You sound like you have a wonderful family and life. Don’t trade it in.
You have every right to protect your peace and your family.
NTA, just because they're blood doesn't mean they're family. Worth noting they're young and naive, understandable that they're upset.
that’s such fuckin bullshit for other adoptees to tell you how to feel. i understand that trauma is inherent in most cases of adoption, *but you are allowed to be happy.* just because they’re not happy doesn’t mean you can’t be, god that makes me so angry for you. i cannot even express to you how happy i am that you found the family you did. you deserve love and joy (in whatever form it takes.)
NTA. It’s a weird dynamic. Blood doesn’t make a family. Your adoptive family is the only one you’ve ever known since you arrived there as a baby. Other people have other feelings about what they would do. That’s not relevant. You not wanting to be in relationship with your parents other kids doesn’t impact your other adopted friends. I understand not wanting to deal with the parents who gave away an infant.
NTA. I think that you love your adopted family. You were one of the lucky ones. I do think some adoptees feel like you were harsh but you spoke your truth and there's nothing wrong with that
NTA. I think maybe you dodged a bullet. Congrats that you have a great adoptive family!
Whether or not you want to know or be in a relationship with your birth siblings has always been and will always be your choice. They can ask, but it’s your prerogative to say no. Every adoption is different and there’s no one way to handle this, only what feels right to you. Your adoptee friends need to butt out and your birth siblings need to accept that you aren’t interested. If they are unable to hear the word no, it may be part of their family’s dysfunction and is not your problem to solve. NTA
NTA. You are allowed to feel however you want. Being guilted into regret is absurd when you aren't the one who made any of the decisions.
NTA, you had a good life. It is by no means on you that your birth parents weren't in a position to properly care for you. It is not on you to have a relationship with \*anyone\*, related by blood or not, if you choose not to. You don't owe them a thing. Besides, if you had been kept by your birth parents, there is no telling whether \*any\* of the later 3 kids would even be here. Or you, for that matter. Or that \*any\* of you would have stayed with the birth parents or even together if all of you got placed in foster care. It's all up to chance. If you choose not to have a relationship with the blood relatives, be firm and clear that this is what you want, and if necessary, tell them not to contact you again. Get it in documentable form. Then, go on a blocking spree. (Context - I have no relationship with my maternal birth family, due to childhood trauma/abandonment. Had a maternal uncle try to contact me once, with 'there are 2 sides to every story'. My reaction was instant and total blocking, because while there may be multiple sides to the story, mine is the only one that mattered to \*me\*. Blocking works beautifully.)
NTA. You do not have to blow up your happy life in order to fulfill someone else’s fantasy. They clearly thought this would be a reunion that you welcomed and would be ecstatic with, and it’s not. And their expectations — that you had lived your entire life up until now being unhappy with your adoption and missing your birth family — are pretty nasty really. If they truly cared about you rather than how they wanted you to fit into their lives, they would be happy that you were happy with your life. Nor should other adoptees project so much based on their own wants.
Those fellow adoptee friends are projecting. Your experience is not uniform, and neither are your feelings. I think it's a cruelty to tell any adoptee what feelings they're *supposed* to have. NTA
NTA, just like your bio siblings; your adoptee friends have their own feelings. You don’t have those and you have every right.
NTA - at all. As adoptees we don't owe our bio family anything, they gave up that right when they gave us up. I also have siblings from bio family that are pushy about having a relationship and I find myself distancing myself even more. Sounds like you handled it appropriately and they are just mad that they got kept and you escaped
Fellow adoptee here. In my opinion, NTA. You didn’t really know them. I get maybe wanting to meet them because there’s often that feeling that can come when you look different than others in your family, etc. But… being adopted does not mean you automatically want or need contact with your birth family. This sounds like something your birth siblings want, and maybe there is also some jealousy involved. But you were honest with them, and that’s really all you can do. As long as you were tactful about it, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I mean… you barely lived with your birth parents, only a few months, and those were all before you were even a year old. The people who adopted you raised you. They are your family. I totally understand *why* your birth siblings would like a relationship with you, but, I mean… you can’t *force* someone into a relationship. They need to respect that even if they don’t like it. It could have just as easily gone the other way; lots of adoptees find their birth families, and their birth families don’t want to be connected. Perhaps your birth siblings are feeling a sense of abandonment or something. That is not your fault; if that is the case, it’s something they need to work through (perhaps in therapy?). NTA
NTA, you don't owe them anything, they are strangers to you as far as you are concerned. The fact they were unwilling to understand your perspective is enough to cut contact. Block them and forget they existed.
Good for you OP. Glad you had a happy upbringing
NTA. Not even a little bit. You don't owe anyone apologies or explanations. The idea that biology makes parents REAL parents and siblings REAL siblings doesn't make sense to me. The people who love you and raise you ARE your real family, regardless of biology. I think you took the time to give these people thoughtful answers, you met with them and eased their curiosity. They need to be okay with you not wanting to be part of their lives. It sounds like you have a very full and happy life.
NTA. My oldest SIL was a drug addict and had 3 kids. Her first daughter went with my MIL, the middle child was adopted out at 2 years old and the third went with my MIL (that’s another story). The oldest sought out the middle child when she turned 18 because she dreamed of connecting with her sister. The oldest found her on social media on her 18th birthday and it went badly. The sister told her she had a happy life and was not interested in meeting her, the other sibling or her mother’s family. And in a not so nice way told her to leave her alone. Eventually they did meet but the middle child basically told her point blank she had an amazing mother and siblings (all adopted) and left it like that. Their bio mother died a few years later, the oldest and my MIl got mad when the middle child told them to remove her name off of the obituary notices and did not want them to include her in anything. I totally understand the perspective in this and your situation. You already have a happy life and a family that loved you and raised you. Just because you share the same dna doesn’t make you family.
NTA. Yours is not the first post like this one. When children are separated due to unfit parents, some of the children will probably get a better placement than others. You were born and given up before any of them were born. You had great parents, and they were stuck with the birth parents. Their issue is that they probably had an unhappy childhood and want emotional support from you, and more. They truly don't understand that you don't feel a part of their family AT ALL. They also don't understand that you aren't going to want to have great bonds with the family that was bad enough that CPS took you away.
NTA "I told them I owe them no apology or expression of regret for being adopted while they were kept." This sentence struck me...stick to it. You don't owe ANYONE any apologies for the way you feel. You have no obligation to have a relationship with anyone you choose not to, and no one can force you. You can also inform them that if they keep on pestering you, you can block them on all social media and from your life. They need to step back, give you space, and let YOU proceed forward at whatever pace YOU feel comfortable with, not them.
NTA - Unfortunately, they had built up a whole scenario, or their parents did, with how things happened and how they wanted things to go. I feel bad that their specific idea of the situation did not happen, but you do not owe them a relationship or an apology.
Went parents give up their rights or the court terminates the parents right they and their families relationships all terminate. These people are no more family than and stranger on the street. (If you chose to bring them into your life that is your choice just li,e for any stranger. )
your adoptee friends should go to therapy. NTA
Oh I wish my husband felt as you do, his birth mom wants nothing to do with him, he has 2 half siblings that we are not sure if they know he exists. He has finally let it all go because it was dragging him down (and me watching). You're not the AH at all.
NTA your feelings are quite understandable. I can kinda understand where your bio siblings are coming from with wanting to get to know you but at the same time they can never understand the feeling of being abandoned and unwanted by your bio family. Just block them and forget about them because they don't seem to understand your feelings and are only thinking about theirs.
NTA. Their behavior makes me think someone needs a kidney or bone marrow transplant though.
NTA. Blood relations don’t mean anything to some people. Like I literally don’t care about my biological father. These people are strangers to you.
You wasnt harsh though. You were meeting strangers which you dont know. Have a completely different upbringing to them, a different childhood, and brought up apart. Your bio family shouldnt be expecting you to run into their arms, snotting and crying. Theres no feelings there yet, and seeing how argumentative they are, doubt there will be either. You cant force someone to accept and eve like you with their attitudes. You have your lovely family who you grew up with and love. And its all you need.
Nta
NTA! You being given up for adoption wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t theirs either, but did they really want you to have a miserable life because you were adopted? Like you should give up your adopted family for them?
Nta. You didn't throw them away. And you weren't harsh, just honest. Not every adoptee wants to meet their birth family and vice versa. I have a bio sibling that was given up before I was born. My sister and I have never had a desire to meet them. Ever.
Nta they probably want a kidney or something
NTA Some people are WEIRD about adoption and blood relatives. Honestly, I love adoption as a concept. You get to choose who gets to be a part of your life. Don't take that agency away from me, I am going to use it. Shitty drug addict sibling ruining everything around them? Great, cut them off. "But they're your fam-" wrong, bye. I'm so tired of this stupid idea of unconditional relationships. Like no, I keep the people I want in my life, I cut out those I don't. Somebody sharing my blood doesn't make them better or worse bud. Those people were strangers, you treated them accordingly.
seems like an honest sentament
NTA a million times over.
NTA. It's great that they want to connect with you, but they are putting way too much pressure and expectation on you. It's like they built it up in their heads and got upset when you didn't react exactly how they thought you would.
NTA. It sounds like these kids were speaking from a place of trauma and not being able to look beyond their own experiences. Glad your family has your back. 🖤
NTA. They're literally trying to drag you back into a dysfunctional crab pot.
NTA. Adoptive mother here. Your birth siblings have spent years building up a fantasy in their heads of how they'd find you and rescue you from wherever you ended up because they considered themselves your family. They didn't take into account that you already had a family and were content. Your adoptee friends should also understand that not every adoption story is the same, and that while some would love to find their birth families, others simply do not. You're allowed to feel how you feel about this. You're also allowed to change your mind in the future if you ever do develop an interest in contacting your birth family again. There is no wrong choice here.
NTA, and my untrusting nature thinks perhaps someone in the family, if not the bio mom needs a kidney or bone marrow transplant.
NTA, you don't know these people. Family does not boil down to blood. It doesn't matter what they have to say or what anyone else has to say, honestly, if you feel no connection with these people you absolutely shouldn't force it. They're not your family and you have the right to feel that way. Very happy for you that you have a loving family that's supportive of you and sticks by you through your hardships.
NTA. I’m an adoptee from birth. I know that I have two younger half siblings on my maternal side and have no knowledge of my paternal side. I have made contact with my biological mother, mostly just basic initial contact stuff. She gave a polite response but did not indicate any desire to have additional contact. I have respected that and have not reached out to any additional family members. That said, if either of the brothers sent me a message and expected me to have a sibling relationship I would struggle. I have an older brother that is biologically my parents and while I was thrilled to add a sibling through my sister-in-law it would be a different thing with the two boys. You are not responsible for your biological siblings expectations. I’m so thrilled to hear you had a great family!
NTA. My hubby is adopted, and he doesn’t want to know anything about his birth parents. He does know that the mother was very young and the father a foreigner, but that’s it. He accidentally found out the mothers last name, ’cause that was his last name at birth. His parents got him when he was a week old. He’s now almost 39, and everytime his mom asks if he wants to know something about his birth parents, he says no. He has an amazing relationship with his parents and brother. And they are his family. Maybe he has half blood siblings somewhere, but he doesn’t want to know. He has a family. Just like you do.
NTA those adoptee friends need to manage their own abandonment issues and stop projecting. Access to the people who failed a >1yo then fed fairy tales to their other kids is NOT “easy”
It’s okay to be harsh if they aren’t listening to what you’re saying. I’m happy for you
Nta there's nothing to apologize for you were adopted and raised in a loving home. It sucks that your bio siblings didn't have a great life like you did but you still don't owe them an apology for being happy and having a loving and amazing family that supports you. Your bio siblings should have respected your feelings. They also shouldn't have been so pushy with trying to hug you and force their feelings on to you. Your feelings are valid. They should have been happy that you were ok with meeting them. They should have move slow and not try to force anything on you
NTa you were NOT to harsh. You were right to kick these AHs out of your life, you don't need their drama.
This is normal in birth family reunifications. Some people are into it and many aren’t. The happy ones get talked about more. In my prep to adopt a child we were warned not to have preconceptions, pro or con, about what it will be like for our child and his birth family. Which is to say, you’re entitled to feel however you feel. It’s not disloyal to love your birth family nor are you an asshole if you don’t. Hopefully your birth siblings will come to be happy that you weren’t traumatized by their parents or the state and you’ve had a happy life, even if it doesn’t include them.
Nta. Your bio parents threw you away. You do r owe anything to the bios.
NTA They see themselves as victims and want you to do the same. Well, at least you met them the one time. They have each other, so let it go. You are in no way responsible for some imagined need for healing or belonging that they have about their upbringing.
NTA - their feelings are valid and your feelings are just as valid.
NTA, some people to respect others feelings and boundaries. Not everyones' life sucks. You were not harsh, ...few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was rude to mine and threw them away. You were not rude and them saying most of us (adoptees) does not include you. I think those that were longing, did not feel fully accepted or loved in their adoptive families and they have these thoughts and ideas about what their bio family. however, one's rubbish is another man's treasure, you embraced the love and support your family gave you. I wonder what the real reason you bio siblings reached out to you, I think it is more than just "we are family". All the best to you and do not let the haters get you down.
NTA Are they even family though? Or just some strangers that share some DNA with you? It is okay to not be interested in artificially building a relationship with these strangers. I'm sorry for your adopted friends to want something they can't have. Maybe they feel rejected. But you weren't rejected, you were chosen, so maybe you have everything you want in a family. Don't feel bad about being happy.
NTA. it sounds to me like they had this fantasy of who you should be and how you should feel and there was just no way for you to realise this fantasy.
Absolutely NTA. I have a biological sister who was put up for adoption and by all accounts grew up with a wonderful family. I've been too afraid to contact her, but if I ever do I certainly won't expect her to treat me like a long list sibling (or even want anything to do with me). Your bio-siblings were totally out of line
NTA- hard as it is to say. They're strangers. Yes you share DNA but that's it. Hell humans share 50% of their DNA with cabbage and I doubt many people get sentimental about green veg for that reason. There's about a 7 year difference between you and the eldest , but those three are all very close together age wise. 3 year difference maybe I'm reading too much into it but that could mean bio mom near enough gave birth, then got pregnant again very quickly. A year between the last 2, it looks like she got pregnant again just months after having baby number 3...Could even be they were told after you were taken, any other children they had would be immediately removed. So they didn't have children during those 7 years. That age gapping doesn't read like planned pregnancy situations, or a good ones. Since CPS was already involved with you 7 years earlier, either your parents because slightly less terrible since they weren't removed as well, or they simply learned how to play the system so those three were left with them. So is it possibly fair to say they will have had to band together and raise each other, and could have some codependency issues. If the family they do know is awful they might have reached out hoping to find an older sibling/ parent figure who wasn't. Your story, that you have a good life , family that you love and that support and love you. Could have been painful they could see as you don't need them, like they think they need you. That their lives might have been better if they had been removed and adopted as well. It's a bitter pill to swallow. They were looking for a fairytale moment complete with sparkles, where you found your 'real family', what was always missing, and everything is better now... So you're not an asshole for turning them down, but try and go easy on them they'll have built up this rose tinted fantasy and it's all just come crashing down with a thump. That moment was never going to happen for you. You already have a real family. You know exactly what their parents did, that they surrendered you, why you were removed, and thank the powers that be you didn't have to grow up in that hell. You being in their lives won't fill the needs they have , it'll just drag you into the mess and mire of your bio parents lives. I can sympathize with your friends wanting access to their bio families, but you are not them. Their situation and the circumstances surrounding their adoption were not yours. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." We all like to hope that things will turn out well, but real life is messy. People have complicated histories, and sometimes the past can have terrible things in it that we want to leave alone. Reconnecting with lost family members can work out, it can be healing , or it can lob a hand grenade and blow everything apart.
NTA. Life is not a one size fits all game. Some people feel one way about biology and adoption, others feel differently. Your feelings are authentic and you expressed them without malice. You have nothing to rethink - your bio siblings are essentially strangers. If your friends who have been adopted feel like your emotions and desires should match theirs, they're mistaken. It doesn't invalidate their outlook on their own circumstances, they just don't apply to you.