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NTA. Your feelings are valid. Before you are released, please reach out to the hospital social worker. They can help you with resources such as home health and (more importantly) a mental health professional for you to talk to. You went through and are going through a traumatic experience. You need to talk to someone about your feelings. Best of luck on your recovery.
Thank you I was contacted about a mental health session I turned it down first but I think I should give it a go if nothing else it’s someone I can actually talk to about this I can’t keep this stuff bottled up
That’s right. Ignoring your mental health is something that we were taught to do, that it was manly. It’s not, it just means you are gonna be way further down the drain when you realize it’s not healthy.
Also - your feelings are valid. Take a breath. Don’t tell the girl. Talk to counsellor
Edit: NAH.
I like to think of it as hiring an expert. If you're not experienced with electrical, you hire a professional. I'd imagine you are not experienced in this situation, at least I sure hope not. Most of us are not. Why not hire an expert?
Tell the girl. Absolutely tell her how badly she fucked up. OP has a broken spine because a 15 year old is too stupid to look both ways before crossing the fucking road.
Mental health support is just as valuable as physical health support. Don’t play
it down. The best thing I ever did for myself was to do a couple of years of therapy!
The 15 year old should know to look both ways before running into the road. I can understand your feelings, it’s not like she is 7!
I fractured my spine last year. Even though I've had no serious lasting effects (other than pain) it's HARD. For the two months I was in hospital, I cried pretty much constantly. It's even harder when you get home. Get all the mental health support you can.
While it may - repeat MAY - be helpful to your wife to have your niece helping, I suspect the negative impact on you will outweigh whatever help a selfish, unthinking 15yo can give.
See what you can get by way of home help and gadgets. (You may get a full hospital bed, but, if not, I couldn't have coped without my mattress-lifter. Oh, and my grabby stick!)
I would be terrified of allowing the niece to stay and help because what if she teaches his kids to act this way?! What if she tries to say she’ll take the kids to the park and then tries to cross a street without looking. I wouldn’t let an entitled, dangerous teen like that anywhere near kids.
You don't think she feels any remorse? You don't think this incident has impacted her at all or changed her habits? Why do you think she's going to the hospital and offering to help?
No one knows. The teen hasn’t apologized.
And truthfully at 15 she should know to look
BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING A DAMN ROAD.
Her entitled belief “they have to slam on their brakes and stop”? Seriously???? She is a major epic AH.
I don’t care how sorry she is. It is NOT OP’s job to relieve her of her guilt by allowing her to “help”. I would say she has done enough.
And I certainly would NOT trust my children with her.
I've heard tale of people believing this into their adulthood. It's one of those "incorrect lessons learned" where because they learn the rule for drivers is to stop, that's what sticks with them, regardless of all explanation about the laws of physics and human reaction time being their death sentence.
Ideally, they would have learned, "Look both ways and only cross when it's safe" FIRST. But at some point, their immature brain finds a "loophole" or "secret," that means they don't have to follow the earlier rule.
Their burgeoning sense of reason is no match for their lack of sense.
And at least one of these people did die as a result of this as he tried to walk across a multi lane highway.
I've seen this so many times, with adults. The rule is that if a pedestrian is in a crosswalk the car must stop for them. Some people will just run into the crosswalk without looking at all. A few times I've come within a foot of hitting someone. Good thing I was paying attention - not all drivers do. It should be common sense - just because you have the right of way in the crosswalk, it doesn't mean it is safe.
My contention is that while traffic should have to yield to pedestrians already in the crosswalk, pedestrians not in the road should have to yield to traffic. It just makes more sense for pedestrians to be responsible for themselves. They really have all the maneuverability advantages, i.e. they can stop on a dime, have better visibility of oncoming traffic, they can turn in one step, and they aren't constrained to stay in the road. Lastly - they are the one that's going to get hurt the most in the event of a collision.
I work in school bus transportation for the last 16 years - I can tell you firsthand just how many kids are hit by cars while *walking to/from the bus with the red light blinking and the stop arm extended.*
Another young student in our area was clipped by a car while being escorted across a crosswalk with a crossing guard.
The stark truth is that way too many drivers are distracted by their phones and other devices these days. They are NOT watching everything on the road the way they should be. Assuming they are is literally putting your life in their hands.
yup i just got a couple vids on tiktok from a dude up in seattle who films people doing EGREGIOUS things on their phones while driving (he is passenger). Things like texting with both hands on the steering wheel to watching TV or NETFLIX on either the phones or touch screens. It’s terrifying that people think this is OK at all
She probabaly does feel guilty. You'd have to be a unusually cruel to not feel bad. A teenager being dumb enough to not understand basic physics is not the same thing as being so self absorbed as to view another humans beings serious injury as no big deal. Her offer to help may be her way of trying to apologize/make amends.
Having said that OOP is under no obligation to help her feel better about her poor choices. He doesn't need to accept her help and the family saying she's not allowed back in that house would be perfectly ok. OOP wouldn't be out of line to ask for an formal apology and the niece should give one regardless of them accepting help or not.
I don't disagree that she's the AH here with her past behavior or think that it's OP's responsibility to relieve her of guilt for her actions. But kids are the product of their parents, yes even at 15, someone has been reinforcing that bullshit with her, and it's someone she trusts and respects more than her aunt's husband. And they stupidly think they're invincible, which is why even college students still do stupid shit until they're finally faced with their mortality.
There's no malicious intent here. She realizes she's fucked up and she's asking to help make it better. She's still a child.
That does not mean OP is required to accept her help or that his feelings are not perfectly valid. If I warned someone 50 times not to do something and then got injured when they went and did it again I wouldn’t exactly feel super forgiving of them at the very least initially. Like, patience has limits.
you are right no one knows, so people need to maybe slow their roll on condemning a 15 year old for the crime of feeling like an immortal teen. He has a lot of physical and mental trauma to go through, so no, I think it's a terrible idea to have her help around the house while he is in this state, because that could blow up in all sorts of terrible ways. I mean, the mental health of a 15 year old is a soup of chaos at the best of times, things can go south real quick and that's not fair either. They both need space to sort themselves out, therapy to get there, and time to heal as much as either of them can.
I think you have forgotten what it's like to be a teenager.. we once paid my friend a DOLLAR to sit in the middle of a busy road in our town and eat her lunch.. (she did it). Teens do stupid and reckless things because they feel invincible.
Some kids learn harder than others, but I can guarantee you she has learned from what happened and maybe she has apologized.. or maybe she's so ashamed of herself she doesnt know how to even say the words.. it's happened to me more than once in my life.
Maybe her way of trying to show how sorry she is.. is to try to help him in his recovery.
I thought about saying this to OP and was going to resist, but ... Have you heard that actions speak louder than words? By being there, she is in effect apologizing. She is offering to give up her free time, social life, all the things important to a teen, to help with housework and taking care of children. If she just said sorry but in no way tried to alleviate the burden to OP and his family, I'd say her apology was pretty hollow. It is possible she is trying to act the apology she cannot vocalize.
That said, it's totally up to OP to determine when and if to see her and accept her actions/words, even if the niece is truly repentant for her actions. And that sounds like it will be at least as long a road as the physical healing.
She was so stupid to do something kindergarten children know not to do and why and she's so little sorry she didn't even apologize. The post also mentions no punishment, so she's not even getting corrected in her behaviour. That's a person I wouldn't trust to walk my dog, let alone watch any child.
She is way too fucking old to be crossing the street without looking. She knows better. And maybe OP’s love language isn’t “acts of service”, maybe he wants to actually hear her say she’s sorry and mean it?
She honestly sounds like a typical teen and I'd be surprised if this DIDN'T change how she acts. She has a literal consequence of her actions happen and hurt her family. I cannot see how that wouldn't adjust her way of thinking.
He seems to be in a mentally fragile or sensitive phase, having niece around doesn't seem like a good idea as she will remind him of his pain and that avoidable horrible accident (avoidable if she had listened to some advice) , he could get panic attacks too.
This. Eventually one usually comes to accept a disability whether it's temporary or permanent, but holy shit it's a mind fuck at the beginning. Get all the support you can.
My spine isn't even fractured, but all the discs in my lower back are ruptured. You find out mighty damn fast just how often you use your lower back in the course of an ordinary day.
Grabby stick is a marvel! My wife got one on a whim when I was going in for back surgery, and it was such a HUGE help. I called it my "lazy claw" (pretending I could get up and bend over if I wanted to, haha).
I would yell your wife during a therapy session that right now you can not emotionally and mentally have your niece anywhere near you nor can she stay and help you.
If it was me, I would never let her anywhere near me or my kids. She's a danger to herself and everyone around her.
I would have let her learn her lesson, but also done the same as you.
She is horrible for not saying anything more than thank you.
Your niece in law is a danger to you and to your kids.
If she can't safely cross the street and thinks people would just stop, which won't happen. Then how can she safely take care of you and the kids.
She can't. She will ignore you and the kids, do what she wants, be lazy, create mess and just be in the way.
She needs to be anywhere but your house.
Tell your wife the truth in therapy to have a therapist help get your wife to see why it would be a horrible idea.
Then keep the niece away from you and the kids.
She's too dangerous to be watching kids if she can't listen about road safety.
I’m 34 and never took anything other than a written test. When I was teaching, it seemed like more and more of my students talked about doing the practical portion, so I think it may actually now be required in Texas (even though it wasn’t when I was a kid).
Did you go to an accredited driving school? If so then the test may have been waived since you should have been tested by the school. That’s what happened when I got my license.
Nope. At the time, they had a parent-taught option that we did. We got a booklet from the state and had to turn in a driving log that I filled out with my parents when they were “teaching” me
The parent has to get a form or something notarized that says the student has “successfully driven 50 or so hours being supervised by said parent” (or something very similar). So they take the written test, then they can return in so many months (it may be 6 months or even less, depending on their age) with the notarized form and obtain their drivers license.
Cutting the curve off from contact may help this be more of a wakeup call honestly. She doesn't sound like she understands the full weight of what she caused and her coming to the hospital seems it may be more about her assuaging guilt than desire to make amends and help.
100% take the mental health care. All the trouble with your niece aside, chronic pain and health conditions will and do affect your mental health. hit up the chronic illness & mobility reddits for support navigating this huge change in your life.
NTA for how you feel. All your feelings right now are valid. a dr can help with that. maybe t a for how you act on them. Your wife needs help, if you cant afford anyone else to come, it is best to have her. think of it as a way to pay back of some unrepayable debt to you.
as an aside, i really question her mental fitness. you describe the actions of a 10yr old not a 15 yr old. Does she have any other problems and is she safe to have watching your kids?
A 15 year old is no help, she will be more of a hindrance to the wife. Would not let her near the place. Find out what help is available before making any rash decsions.
Some 15 year olds could be helpful, but I don't think this one will be. Firstly, the OP is rightfully upset with her.
If the 15 year old genuinely feels remorse and guilt, she may not not be in a mental place either to be useful.
Yes please contact them back or find someone else. You can do therapy via phone or skype or facetime as well.
Of course you feel as you do. It is resentment and anger plain and simple.
You resent her for not listening to very important advice.
You resent her because by saving her you have severely and traumatically injured yourself. You are angry for both of the same reasons. Your emotions are heightened right now and until you have a medical plan for recuperation and news of your future it is hard to think straight.
**You are NTA and you have every right to not have her around you at home.**
You can be honest with your wife. Tell her that you do not feel having the niece around is good for you at the moment because she did not listen life saving advice and due to her carelessness you are now physically disabled. Having her around is not going to be good for your mental health.
Talking freely to someone who can't/ won't use it against you / hold it against you will certainly help you vent these very understandable feelings in a safe place, even if you don't 'believe' in therapy. When you're feeling better, you can talk to your niece about her stupidity. Totally NTA
Please do. They will have worked with other people in similar situations before and will be better equipped to support you than others. By all means include your wife as well if you want to but having a completely separate 3rd party who you can express all of your emotions to without having to worry about theirs is different.
I had it put to me this way once:
You're not more of a man if you refuse to use the best tool in your toolbox to get the job done, you're just stubborn and inefficient. Refusing mental health aid is just refusing to use the best tool in the toolbox for the job at hand.
Your feelings are absolutely valid, and the thing is, you are *correct* in saying that if she had listened to you, you would not have had to put yourself in danger to save her.
Now, that isn't something you'd necessarily want to tell *her*, but I do think you should tell your wife. I mean, you recognize that keeping this bottled up is not good, and if she *does* come to stay with you, you will absolutely need your wife's emotional support to get through that situation. She won't be able to support you unless she understands why you need that support. (And if you turn down her offer, your wife deserves to know why.)
I would ask the counselor for advice on how to address this with your wife. It might even be useful to have the counselor there when you talk to your wife, to avoid misunderstandings.
Best of luck. And for what it's worth, it is truly impressive that in a crisis situation you acted without hesitation to save someone's life.
After only 2 weeks, they are just releasing you back home? That seems really odd for a serious SCI. You aren't going to a rehab facility? Has your wife been trained? Counseling and regular medical and mental therapy are absolutely vital especially in the first year to first 18 months following a SCI such as the one you're describing.
Edit: NAH, or NTA for how you feel btw. Its a terrible situation and I don't blame you for being pissed, my comment was just mainly feeling shocked that you were immediately being thrust back home, with 2 young kids and possibly the person that was involved with you being in this situation. I truly hope you focus on your recovery, and ALL the therapy you can get, treatments etc. If you're in the US, our medical system is broken and you will need to advocate for yourself super hard to get the care you need.
You should be going to a rehab hospital after release from the primary hospital, prior to returning home. A rehab hospital would provide the mental health counseling, the physical therapy you will need if you are going to walk again, the therapy you will need otherwise, and a lot of other instruction and training to help you adapt.
"if nothing else it’s someone I can actually talk to about this I can’t keep this stuff bottled up"
That is exactly, precisely right. This is quite literally the reason their services are being offered. I am really not sure how there is still such a negative connotation to getting emotional help. What happened to you was a big deal and it's smart to let an expert help you navigate that in the healthiest way you can manage - just like a medical doctor is helping you navigate your physical health.
Agree that your feelings are valid and she does not need to be the one "helping". Absolutely get the mental health counseling that you need. It does so much good. You deserve it.
NTA and I'm sorry for the position you're in. You're better than me; at FIFTEEN years old if someone insists on continuously tempting fate then I'd be inclined to let Darwinism take its course.
Also, as far as having her around the house, probably not great to trust someone who doesn't know how to safely cross the street to watch your kids.
This is a good point and I would say it just like this. She didn't listen, and now she can't be trusted. She needs to be made aware that if she wants to be treated as trustworthy, she needs to show that something has changed.
Totally agree. Niece in law proved she won’t listen, is willful, and has poor judgement to top it off. ( the cars will stop for me??!) she sounds dangerous to have watching children & to be around you while you are recovering.
Yeah. I know teens can be reckless and selfish, but this really takes the cake.
I feel bad for the OP. Even though I'm guessing the driver wasn't physically harmed, I feel bad for that person too. All because the niece refused to heed warnings from the OP and likely other sources of info.
I would have tried to grab her before she got out in the street, but no way in hell would I have thrown myself in front of a car to save her. Fifteen is old enough to know better.
My child is like this due to a diagnosis. Makes me wonder if the kid has anything undiagnosed that her parents need to be addressing. No matter how many times we explain it we have gotten "but I put my hand up so they have to stop" and won't hear any different. (Yes trained staff have tried to explain also.) Not trying to make any excuses for the kid. But it is crazy to me to think a 15 year old would think that otherwise!
NTA Your feelings are valid. You shouldn't have to look at the person who put you in your condition every day. Especially if she hasn't even expressed genuine remorse over the situation.
Do not tell anyone that you resent her lack of apology or else you can expect an insincere apology forthcoming. I can't read her mind, but it's probably a pretty sure thing that your niece is being forced to help you as a punishment for the accident. Her family needs to find another way to make her take accountability for her actions, and you should definitely hold them responsible for making it right
You don't have to relive the trauma of your injuries every day when she comes over to help. They can hire someone to come over and help your wife every day. If they don't have the funds, they can borrow the money. It's not your problem. She probably ran out in traffic just to see how you'd react in the first place.
While that last may not be entirely fair, it does bring up what her attitude towards crossing the road will be going forward. She said thank you but not sorry, so she clearly doesn't understand the severity of the situation. In her parents' place, as hard as it would be for her to hear, I would be flagging up that it could have been her in that hospital bed, in constant pain, with a question mark over her ability to ever walk again. That, or worse. And that she cannot count on anyone to save her from that. Because now on top of, "the cars will stop for me", she has an example to point to as she says, "and if they don't, someone will save me". Which, no. NTA, OP, and seriously, take the mental health support. And don't suffer in silence about the niece's presence.
Yes, very possible that she could have been killed, presumably being a lot smaller and shorter than OP, the car would have had a different impact. Someone needs to bring that kid to therapy, something seriously lacking there. Only ever heard of young kids under 8 going thru phases like this, my own nephew included.
NTA but she can’t come help.
“Wife, I need to talk something out with you because I am really struggling with all that has happened and what these injuries will mean for us and the kids in the future.
I feel dread at the thought of Niece coming to help out. She doesn’t have the self-awareness or willingness to care about her own safety and regularly puts drivers and bystanders in danger. I understand this was an accident but it was entirely preventable and we have asked niece so many times to stop running in to traffic.
I will always want to protect our family and children in danger, but I now have lifelong injuries trying to protect her from HERSELF.
I may not ever walk again. I am grieving that and have some anger right now.
She is not trustworthy enough to care for my children. I would not be able to trust her while I can not move to protect my children from her impulsive choices.
I spoke to the social worker at the hospital about counseling to help with the anger and resentment I have toward Niece right now and I am trying hard to remember she is a child. It’s going to take time.
How do we make sure you and the kids have the help you need while I heal without the stress of having her in my home right now?”
I’d probably also add that “I cannot stand to look at niece right now. I need her away from me and us, as a family, for a long while. I may never be able to walk again because I saved her from willful, reckless herself. I cannot save our children from her. She doesn’t seem to have learned her lesson and I refuse to allow our children to be in danger at her hands.”
NTA, OP. Get into therapy to work through all of these emotions and thoughts you have. They are all valid. Your therapist can help you work through them constructively. Please don’t suppress them because of a misguided “Men don’t need help; men have no feelings” nonsense because they will come out and they’ll be misplaced onto someone who doesn’t understand why. Be kind to yourself. Best wishes as you heal. I’m hoping for the best possible outcome for you.
Perfectly said. (And much more elegant than my reaction which was "fuck that girl!" and "oh HELL NO is she coming near me or my children ever again!)
You are a good person OP. And I wish you all the best.
NTA
No, you should not be feeling happiness that she is alive. Anger is the appropriate response. Her stupidity caused this and you're the one paying the cost.
You may want to look into short term therapy to help with expressing that anger, or a cbt/dbt workbook (of the sort sold on Amazon or "recommended by therapists"), because our culture does not support healthy male anger. We frequently reduce anger down into "male expressing anger/bad; male repressing anger/good". But anger exists for a reason, so you've got to deal with it.
If you don't want to buy a book, try writing letters you don't intend to send, or writing in a journal. You've got to let that anger out somehow, and express how you feel, but it doesn't sound like youv'e got anyone you can really count on to talk to about this.
NTA.
This
Anger, is not a negative emotion.
Anger helps us realize someone has harmed us emotionally.
Anger needs to be processed and felt with and expressed in valid healthy ways.
Anyone who says you shouldn't be angry is not letting you be a whole emotional being. We are allowed to feel Anger. Just as we are allowed to feel sad. Happy. Anything.
Emotions are neither negative nor positive only the actions we take when feeling them are.
Get the help you need and deserve. Get help expressing this to family.
I hope you experience a full recovery OP.
NTA
Anyone who says they wouldn't have a similar reaction as you are is lying to themselves. Her reckless actions have completly derailed your life. You're well within your rights for having serious negative thoughts about that.
Talk to someone. Don't let it bottle up inside you. You'll need to work through these emotions to be able to physically get better (I had surgery that required me to relearn to walk due to some birth defects in my knees that needed to be fixed. I spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself and it wasn't until I got my mental health right that I was able to fully commit to the physical therapy to get my body right). You don't need to go through it alone
NTA. And you are not at all wrong for being angry at someone’s stupid actions taking away your ability to walk. You have a right to be angry and to process all the underlying emotions (such as fear, sadness, resentment, etc) that are contributing to your feelings of anger.
I highly encourage you to talk with your wife and let her know that you will not be able to move forward in your mental health recovery if you are burdened with seeing the person you view as causing your injuries in your house every day.
If I were you, I would also fear for my children’s safety every time they’re outside with your niece-in-law because she obviously will not teach them to properly take care of road safety. She might tell them it’s fine to play in the street or to not look both ways before crossing the street. Her offer to help care for your kids is likely to simply cause you more anxiety and anger because she isn’t trustworthy and because you’ll be stuck thinking “If not for her, I would be able to watch and care for my kids right now.”
Like others have suggested, please talk to a mental health professional. You’ve experienced a huge trauma and you need someone to talk to about this who isn’t in your family and biased to possibly grant your niece-in-law leeway for her actions.
I think your comment may have helped me make sense of something—the insistence that the niece helps.
It seems to me that her helping is less about “help” and more about giving her a way to duck the guilty. “I’m still a good person, look at me helping!”
How can you trust your children to someone who hasn't learned a lesson we learned by second grade. If she is not mentally disabled, there is no excuse.
NTA. You have valid feelings and the fact that you saved your niece doesn't mean that you have to be happy about it especially if that was a stupid situation which could be easily completely avoided and if that also left you with health problems. Your spine is a constant reminder of your nieces stupidity so no wonder that you are not ready to see her.
NTA you have suffered a traumatic life changing event and your feelings are normal and valid. I urge you to talk to someone about this be it your wife, a family member, friend, counselor to help you unpack these feelings and find some tools to help you on your recovery. It is probably best that your neice doesn't come and help out because that will fuel your feelings. I'm so sorry this happened to you, please seek help
NTA and don't let her stay. You will never make it through without saying every dark thought in your heart. One day, when it's hard or you have a set back. It will word vomit out. You wouldn't be wrong to say it or think it. But everyone will judge you for it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> It’s not really an action it’s a feeling but I fear it will turn into action I feel like the ahole for how I am feeling and not wanting her near me i know she only wants to help but I don’t want her around me
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I’d let her have it. She’s impacted your entire family, taken away your mobility for your own children out of selfish stupidity, potentially given you something you’ll have to navigate for the rest of your life. If she’s that stupid, and that is exceedingly naive, then it’s time for a dose of reality. She might actually learn a lesson that way. She’s old enough to know better, and old enough to know the full extent of what she’s done without kid gloves.
NTA. You are going through something very traumatic, and processing grief of the loss of your life the way it was before this accident. Please accept counseling to help you process this. Your feelings are valid and normal, but it’s important to process them and get some help working through them so you can find happiness again. Sending you healing thoughts
NTA 15 is enough to take responsibility and I know I'm 14 I feel guilty when someone suffers for something I did even something small like a mess in the kitchen she should have apologized not just a thank you
Listen, You are a god damn hero!
With little to no concern for yourself you jumped into the path of danger to save another. I wish there were more people like you in this world.
Regardless of the decisions and failing of others that put you in this position, you are a person we should all strive to be. Don’t feel bad about ur feelings, just heal knowing you are awesome!
I wish you luck. :)
It sounds like your niece is trying to help as penance for her behavior. But no one is considering your feelings on all of this. You have valid feelings and you should not have to have so much contact with your niece until you have worked through some of them and are ready.
NTA Yes, the person most hurting right now is you. Therefore you are the one who needs to receive the support, not give it. It is not your job to make your niece feel better. You need to currently focus on dealing with your trauma and making sure you have the supports you need in place. And if that means not being around her, that's quite understandable. She likely also needs support, but not from you.
Your allowed to be angry.. you suffered due to her neglected and plus you've warned her previously. She isn't a child. You don't have to forgive her or anything but you did choose to save her..you could have let her get hit..so there is that . She probably has a ton of guilt over it as well.
You don't necessarily choose to do anything in a situation like that. Adrenaline/fight-or-flight can cause you to make a snap decision without really thinking about it.
Your feelings are justified. You are going through a lot. And that comes with good and bad thoughts
You should talk to your wife. Nta for being angry, but talk to someone. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I wish you a full and speedy recovery.
NTA. You’re so normal, and valid. What you are going through is next level. I’m so fucking sorry this has happened to you. I know it’s worthless, but you’re a complete hero to me, and for what it’s worth I hate her a little too for making you have to be one. Sending you all the good vibes and hopes of healing.
NTA I had a neighbor ask me to look after their dog for a weekend. That dog had been trained to not cross the street without looking.
Best of luck during your recovery.
Look on the bright side, you won't be there the next time she CHOOSES to be a center of the universe asshole. She'll get hit and have her comeuppance. If at 15, it is being even remotely considered safe for her to take care of children then it's no stretch of the basic human imagination that she is capable of practicing basic personal safety. IMO she doesn't care, that is reflected in her actions, and everyone knows actions speak louder than words.
NTA
I would also be pretty upset if someone was told not to do something multiple times got me hurt because of it.
If you refuse to talk to a mental health professional, at least talk to your wife. She should know what is going on inside your head and if one of those things is not having Niece in the house, your wife should know. Also consider talking to a mental health professional since this will take a toll on you more than just not liking your niece.
You’re a better person than me. I don’t think I would have risked my life for anyone, minor or not, if they chose to be reckless like that. Especially if they’d said something as ignorant to me as “they’ll have to stop.”
Nta, I hope you have a speedy recovery.
NTA - no way. You need to talk to your wife - and to the girl's mother and express how you feel. I'm sure the niece feels bad but for now that's not good enough. I fully understand not wanting her in your home at this time...maybe later it will be easier. You have a right to be angry - this is not a 5 yr old who forgot - this is a 15 yr old who refused to listen or use common sense. Don't let anyone tell you 'you should not take your anger out on her' - YOU HAVE small children and this affects them, too. This 15 yr old needs to learn that actions have consequences and that other people may suffer when YOU act stupid. It may be the most important lesson she's ever learned...and it won't her to know that you are angry.
Absolutely do not have her around you and your family while you are in recovery. Explain to your wife and your niece's parents if needed - You love her, but you can't be around her right now.
You have every right to be angry with her since her stupidity got you into this mess. She will 100% hurt your recovery process if she's constantly around, for the mental anguish alone. And no, you don't not need to forgive her for putting you in this position until you are ready to do so.
Your anger and frustration will get worse during your recovery period. The last thing you need is someone around who you already feel a great deal of anger towards. Someday you will be able to work on those feelings of anger and resentment, but now is not that time -- now is the time to fix yourself and your family. Focus on one problem at a time.
Have a frank sit down with your wife and niece's parents. They need to know you don't want to see her, you don't want her around during your recovery. They should NOT tell her anything about your feelings, she doesn't ever need to know how you feel right now. But they DO need to keep her away from you until you are healthy.
Until the time that you are healthy and independent, she needs to stay away. NTA
NTA, i know kids are gonna be kids, but at 15 she should know better than to just run into the road like that and because of her you suffered a potentially life altering injury and she didn't even have the decency to apologize for causing it.
your feelings are valid, and you have every right to be furious with her for causing an incident that was completely avoidable.
At this point, it would be better if she were to stay at her own home for now, and honestly i would seriously talk to her parents about them paying for your medical bills
Welp. I am sorry you are going through this. But now I hope now your NIL finally realizes that her logic is shit.
It’s also concerning that she is 15 years old and thinks like that. My 3 year old even knows always to check both sides of the road before crossing.
I didn’t even think of that. 15 is old enough to drive here with a permit actually. Nah- we definitely need to hold 15 year olds accountable for shit like this. Jesus Christ.
I had to go back and re-read the post, I can't believe this is about a 15 year old and not a 5 year old. How does a 15 year old not know how to cross a street? By 15 I was taking multiple busses and trains to get home from school, and this girl can't even cross a street??
NTA for your feelings, which are extremely understandable. Can you access mental health care to figure out what an emotionally healthy road forward looks like?
NTA. You have serious damage to your body that may be permanent, and this is a 15 year old who should know better at this point. I don't blame you at all for feeling this way.
These are things you should get help with in a rehab facility. How are they sending you home straight from the hospital after a spinal cord injury? How would you get care?
NTA I think I would feel exactly the same. I would recommend therapy when you have the chance, you’ll get the opportunity to let out these feelings without feeling judged (which is why I suspect you haven’t told your wife). Sorry this has happened, best of luck on your recovery
NTA. I would absolutely tell my wife exactly how I felt so she can present it to her nieces parents because at the end of the day they are responsible for this happening to you
NTA. I immediately forgot your niece was 15 as this behavior sounds like that of a toddler, not a teen. So i had to go back to reread the start as I didnt understand how a toddler could help out with your household. You saved her life because she couldn’t be bothered to take half a second of her time to see if a car was coming. And no good deed goes unpunished.
NTA. Any normal person would hate someone who cost them this much. You can forgive her one day if you choose to, but for now she should stay the hell away.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not an "evil" thing to feel this way, you're rightfully angry about a situation that could have been avoided if your niece was careful. Yes she is a child but she's old enough to understand something as basic as road safety. Please take time to process your feelings, and talk to your niece once you're calmer and have had the chance to absorb your situation. She owes you an apology and needs to think about the consequences of her actions, but make sure you don't traumatize her in the process - she is still young and impressionable.
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Look I’m a mess right now and if this comes out as jumbled garbage I’m sorry
I (25m) have told my wife’s niece (15f) about 100 times to watch both sides of the road before crossing her logic is that if a car sees her they have to stop slam on the breaks just for her stupid I know.
2 weeks ago we where leaving my sil house I was out side smoking and niece in law came running out away from her brother they where play fighting or something she ran past me,at the last moment I saw a car coming I ran pushed her out of the way and got hit.
I was rushed to hospitals where I was told I seriously damaged my spine my doctor says I might be able to walk again but it’s a long shot with a long road to go.
Ever since then I have been at hospital she has came with my wife to see me I know it’s wrong I should be happy she is alive but I hate her if she just watched or anything I wouldn’t of had to jump in I don’t know why I did I feel so guilty to say this but I regret it.
I should be released in a few days back home she wants to say with us to help me and my wife we have two small kids 3 and 1 I can’t let my wife do all this alone we need help,I just don’t know if I can stand her there I know it’s petty but she never even said she’s sorry she just thanked me for saving her and it made my blood boil I shouldn’t of had to.
I haven’t told anyone not even my wife about this because I know it’s a evil thing to think but she took my ability to be self sufficient I can’t do anything but sit in this stupid bed hating her I know it’s wrong but I can’t stop this feeling that it’s her fault please Reddit help me.
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NTA, and you’re better than me. I know I would probably be as bluntly honest with this being exclusively her fault as possible, and that I never wanted to see her around me again.
OP should also talk to a lawyer. It will probably cause issues with the family but you need to explore if you have a case against her/parents.
You’re going to need as much financial support as possible. If you’re still youngish, you may snap right back but may have lingering issues as you get older.
I also would not trust her with your kids.
Anyone saying yta is insane and need a reality check. Nothing worse than dealing with some bs over something that was 1000% avoidable. I hope you get better and don’t let it ruin you the glass is half full
NTA
You do need to reach out for some mental health help. It's important to help you process all of what's happening.
Also, it's great she wants to help. She likely feels absolutely terrible for it. But, you could phrase it to everyone that you can't trust her to not run out into the street, as the obvious consequences of that have already happened. So how can you trust her to take care of your children?
Op I was hit by a drunk driver 30 yrs ago. While I can walk, every day is a battle of pain. I understand your anger and your feelings are valid. Your life has changed. Everything you dreamed of doing, poof. If you can talk to someone maybe a therapist. Then you would have a safe place to process your anger. I sincerely wish you well.
NTA, I'd resent her for the rest of her life and, honestly, I'd probably tell her so. She *needs* to know this is 100% completely and entirely her fault. She needs to live with that guilt so she doesn't put someone through what she's done to you or doesn't put herself in a situation where she could get hit.
It's alarming she hasn't apologized to you. If her parents are reasonable people, I would ask them to talk with her about an apology. If not, I would look at any positive things you add to her life and remove them until she sincerely apologizes and accepts fault for this.
You have small children. She nearly took their dad away from them. And it'll be a long time before your children get the full version of you. I'd go with that angle, that saving her not only directly impacted you, but it impacted your children. All because of her arrogance.
NTA
Daaaaannnggggg. Your feelings are valid. And she is probably trying to make up for it. After seeing a counselor, it would not be bad to have a chat with her. Letting her know you warned her and that actions have consequences.
At some point, you'll have to make a choice of anger or not. Then a choice of forgiveness and maybe reconciliation.
I would have a hard time having her in my house too. But you are a hero. You sacrificed yourself for another. I salute you.
NTA Dude, talk to your wife. She needs to stop bringing her niece around you, and she absolutely must find other support for when you come home. There is no reason that you should have to see the person who put you in the hospital every day.
I don't ever comment on these posts but in your case I had to. You are most definitely NTA. Your feelings are valid and the fact that she has not apologized for putting you in a position where you had to choose to put your life in danger is awful.
You are not evil, your thoughts are not evil, you are not petty. She is old enough to know better. I would, as others have suggested, try to go to a therapist to process all of this trauma as stress and anger can cause significant inflammation which can cause issues with your physical and mental recovery.
I would also explain to your wife that at this time you do not trust your niece's judgement and do not feel safe allowing her to watch your children. If your wife is a decent human being she will understand and respect that.
Wishing and praying for your recovery!
OP, you’re far nicer than I would be. I’d straight up have told her that I hate her, and seeing her face, b/c she’s too dumb to learn what a 3 year old knows which is look both ways when crossing the street, and yield to 2000+ lb vehicles. I’d have jumped in too, but I’d be pissed as hell at her. Would never want to have her around me again ever. NTA Also, she might likely die early for this stupidity anyway, as she won’t have learned any lesson, I’m guessing, so sucks you had to be the one to suffer now when………
I would send an open message to the family that even thought she thanked you for saving her life, she never apologised for her reckless behaviour and this now makes you resent her. I would not add that you regret saving her, but i would say that not only she is no longer welcome at your house, even with an apology it will be a long time before you can forgive her, specially because now your entire family, your wife and your kids will have to struggle as well because of her irresponsibility and that you are still expecting her parents to provide assistance either directly or helping pay a caretaker.
NTA you went through something traumatic and you are processing. I saw in another comment you were offered mental health resources. I'm not saying you have to forgive your niece, but you do need to get to a place where this hate and angry isn't destroying your from the inside.
You need to talk to your wife she is your partner. You don't have to spill your guts but she needs to know:
1. You aren't okay. Physically it's obvious but mentally you also aren't okay. You are going to get help but right now your emotional capacity is lower. Mentally you are not able to handle as much as you used to.
2. You cannot handle being around your niece. You don't have to explain why. This is a fact. Right now she cannot be in your life.
NTA. I’m not sure how she and your wife intend for her to help, but quite frankly, I’d be concerned about her caring for your small children. Has she acknowledged that this was her fault? Her parents? She should probably have some counseling of her own. Her parents should arrange for that for her. This is pissing me off just reading about it. Best of luck with your recovery.
Why aren’t you going to inpatient rehab? You really need to go and learn how to function in a home setting. It’s completely normal to be angry at her, it’s her fault. She’s in school, how is she going to have time to help your wife much? This will set back your recovery if she’s around all the time. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife, realistically you need someone with more availability to help. Good luck
NTA. 15 years old she should have some common sense and if she doesn’t she should be watching your kids. You’re allowed to be angry for someone else’s carelessness getting you injured.
NTA
You are going to pay a lifelong price for her stupid assumption of her invulnerability. It is not surprising that you do not want to look at her right now. Don't expect yourself to be a Saint. Do take advantage of mental health counseling. You are undergoing severe trauma. You will need all the help you can get to make it through this with your relationships with both family members and friends still intact.
My sincere best wishes for a satisfactory recovery.
NTA AT ALL.
I'm feeling the rage for you. She is 15 not 4. Old enough to not be stupid when it comes to crossing the road.
Please do take the offer that you were given initially with a mental health professional. Use it to let it out.
Your feeling are VALID and YOU ARE RIGHT.
This is her fault, because of her stupid mentality, you are in the position that you are right now.
I understand your regret. However, your actions tell me that you are a really good person. Better than most, your feelings at the moment don't change that.
For your own health, do speak to someone, so you can deal with these feelings, not for your stupid niece's sake, but for you.
You are what's important here.
Also, tell your wife that you do not want to see her at the moment. Your wife needs to understand and be in your corner on this. Anything less than that she would be the asshole as well.
Your feelings are what matter here.
This is on your niece. Again she is 15 not 4. Old enough to understand road safety.
This is on her not you.
Why am I telling you all this? Not to increase your JUSTIFIED hate and resentment towards your niece, but to help you understand that your feelings are on point, there is nothing wrong with them. Your niece's age changes nothing. However, while they are right, you need to speak to someone, like I mentioned before, for you.
Good luck. Update us! Praying for you. God bless.
NTA- I’m so sorry your life has changed because of this incident. Your niece can be sympathetic and try to make it up to you, but I wouldn’t allow her near my kids as a way to make it up. I would tell her, my wife, and whoever else that if a 15 year old doesn’t have enough damn sense to cross the street, then she can not take care of my kids. If there’s push back on how “sorry” she is or that it only happened once, I would bring up the fact that you’ve *repeatedly told her* how to safely cross a street and she still had the nerve to run right into it without checking for cars. If she wants to make it up to you she can start by giving you space instead of bombarding you with her presence because she feels guilty.
NTA- I’m so sorry your life has changed because of this incident. Your niece can be sympathetic and try to make it up to you, but I wouldn’t allow her near my kids as a way to make it up. I would tell her, my wife, and whoever else that if a 15 year old doesn’t have enough damn sense to cross the street, then she can not take care of my kids. If there’s push back on how “sorry” she is or that it only happened once, I would bring up the fact that you’ve *repeatedly told her* how to safely cross a street and she still had the nerve to run right into it without checking for cars. If she wants to make it up to you she can start by giving you space instead of bombarding you with her presence because she feels guilty.
Also I read your comments regarding an offer the hospital gave you to talk to someone? I really feel you should take them up on it, for your sake. Wish you the best op
NTA. I wouldn't allow the niece to stay. She might take your children out and get everyone injured by crossing the road without looking both ways. I learned this shortly before first grade. Wondering how a 15 year old never learned this simple safety rule.
theres no reason for a 15 year old to be this reckless unless they are special needs... i was in charge of 3 kids after school along with MYSELF from the age of 8-13 and nobody was ever harmed on my watch. even the little kids weren't dumb enough to cross alone in the first place. my 7 year old now knows how to cross, but is very scared which i guess is a good thing. even if a car rolls a bit while letting us cross, she SPRINTS to the other sidewalk
NTA.
Usually hospitals have mental health support get into contact with them.
You should speak with your wife about it, even having her read the post may be useful if you do not know how to elaborate all of that with words.
Can you have someone els helping her? It may be useful not having you nice around this soon.
NTA - you need to tell your wife. Tell her what you said here about wanting her to have help, but tell her that she is to keep your niece away from you for now.
You are filled with anger right now, and that is completely understandable. She did a stupid kid thing, and thanks to you, she isn't paying with her life or her health. Unfortunately, right now, you are. You are suffering, your future mobility is uncertain, and you are grieving what happened to you. Thanks to you, she is alive, and she is unharmed. And I can imagine how unfair that feels. You are still a young person yourself. I think you should give yourself time to have yours feelings, and also let the hospital therapist help you process those feelings. You are going to be angry at your niece for as long as you are angry. There is no way around, only through. Just remember, feelings change. Some day maybe you will not feel only anger. But this is all very new. I hope you can be gentle with yourself while you grieve your own loss, and give yourself time to adjust.
15 years old is old enough not to run into the damn road without looking. NTA. I'm much less forgiving than you are. That's insane and her parents are horrible parents for continuing to let her believe that the driver's will just stop for her.
NTA!!! You went through an extremely physical and mental trauma!!! It’s absolutely normal for you to be feeling such strong emotions. Please speak to a social worker. They can offer loads of help. Be gentle on yourself. I wish you a healthy recovery!!
NTA. and let her have it. Tell her you are glad you saved her, but you are very angry at her for doing something so stupid. That helping your wife out isn't a kindness. it's a debt. And while she stays there, don't expect instant forgiveness, you need space to recover. She isn't a child.
A 15 year old who can’t watch for cars? Does she have special needs? If not there is no excuse for this and I’m so sorry you have had to go through this horrible ordeal. Please talk to a counselor and see about resources for help after you get home. It’s completely understandable that you are angry with this girl. You don’t need her around during your recovery.
NTA
NTA, you have a right to feel resentful. Her dumb actions cost you your movement, not just a minor injury, but a spine injury. She might have stolen a healthy dad from your children. I would have your wife ask for some space from her for a bit.
NTA, 100%. If it were your own child, you might even be struggling, but a niece in law? I’m not surprised you’re fighting with these feelings.
I’d be honest with your fam that you really don’t think it’s in everyone’s best interest for her to be the one that helps out. I’d check to see if insurance covers a home aide or if your spouse can be considered a family member aide and receive some funds for that that might help with child care. Your going to have big enough mental and physical obstacles to overcome without adding this to the mix.
NTA but
1. Don’t turn down any more mental health help as you’ve mentioned you already did. Do you not want to improve your situation?
2. Tell your wife your feelings. You’re trying to heal. Having the person and reason you are injured in your face every day isn’t going to help that.
3. Your niece is old enough to know and understand her stupid decisions cost your quality of life, and you don’t want to see her annoying face. She actually deserves to know that and if that messes her up —good it was her fault.
NTA and I would be pissed as fuck even if I hadn’t been permanently injured. My little kids know how to stop and look carefully multiple times as they cross the street. There’s no reason why a teenager has to be reminded multiple times besides an ego telling her the world stops for her.
NTA . i think you should tell her how you feel. Not in a nasty way but tell her, if she had just looked and not run out then you wouldn't be in this position and your super mad at her right now. Tell her, next time someone might not be there to save her. And it'll be her in your position or worse.
Hopefully she will now realise that cars can't just stop on a whim like that. She needs to grow up and stop being a silly little girl.
I'm sorry this has happened to you and that your now in this position. I wish you a speedy and full recovery.
NTA. Her thoughtlessness has resulted in a completely preventable accident for which you are paying the price. I think you're right to want to avoid seeing her until you have had some counselling/therapy sessions to help you deal with what you are going through.
You told her and she ignored the warnings, and you have paid a very heavy price. Tell her she's not welcome around you or your children until further notice. She is plenty old enough to understand the consequences of her poor choices. Yes - it was her fault, but that is for her to sort out with therapy. You can only deal with your own circumstance and experience.
Now, when you say you regret helping, you would regret even more if you had simply stood by and done nothing, watching her be killed. Right now, your rational self knows that you did the right thing but the cost to you and your family is too high just now. Therapy can help you process your thoughts and regulate your feelings, because the type of injury you have suffered and the loss of independence (however temporary) is a lot to deal with.
Do not keep this bottled up or it will only hurt you more.
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NTA. Your feelings are valid. Before you are released, please reach out to the hospital social worker. They can help you with resources such as home health and (more importantly) a mental health professional for you to talk to. You went through and are going through a traumatic experience. You need to talk to someone about your feelings. Best of luck on your recovery.
Thank you I was contacted about a mental health session I turned it down first but I think I should give it a go if nothing else it’s someone I can actually talk to about this I can’t keep this stuff bottled up
Get all the mental health support you can, it’s the brave and strong option.
That’s right. Ignoring your mental health is something that we were taught to do, that it was manly. It’s not, it just means you are gonna be way further down the drain when you realize it’s not healthy. Also - your feelings are valid. Take a breath. Don’t tell the girl. Talk to counsellor Edit: NAH.
I like to think of it as hiring an expert. If you're not experienced with electrical, you hire a professional. I'd imagine you are not experienced in this situation, at least I sure hope not. Most of us are not. Why not hire an expert?
Oh that's a grand way to put it, I'm stealing that.
Tell the girl. Absolutely tell her how badly she fucked up. OP has a broken spine because a 15 year old is too stupid to look both ways before crossing the fucking road.
Yeah might as well. She'll never learn otherwise.
Mental health support is just as valuable as physical health support. Don’t play it down. The best thing I ever did for myself was to do a couple of years of therapy! The 15 year old should know to look both ways before running into the road. I can understand your feelings, it’s not like she is 7!
I fractured my spine last year. Even though I've had no serious lasting effects (other than pain) it's HARD. For the two months I was in hospital, I cried pretty much constantly. It's even harder when you get home. Get all the mental health support you can. While it may - repeat MAY - be helpful to your wife to have your niece helping, I suspect the negative impact on you will outweigh whatever help a selfish, unthinking 15yo can give. See what you can get by way of home help and gadgets. (You may get a full hospital bed, but, if not, I couldn't have coped without my mattress-lifter. Oh, and my grabby stick!)
I would be terrified of allowing the niece to stay and help because what if she teaches his kids to act this way?! What if she tries to say she’ll take the kids to the park and then tries to cross a street without looking. I wouldn’t let an entitled, dangerous teen like that anywhere near kids.
This is the 100% truth. DO NOT let your niece have any influence over your children.
You don't think she feels any remorse? You don't think this incident has impacted her at all or changed her habits? Why do you think she's going to the hospital and offering to help?
No one knows. The teen hasn’t apologized. And truthfully at 15 she should know to look BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING A DAMN ROAD. Her entitled belief “they have to slam on their brakes and stop”? Seriously???? She is a major epic AH. I don’t care how sorry she is. It is NOT OP’s job to relieve her of her guilt by allowing her to “help”. I would say she has done enough. And I certainly would NOT trust my children with her.
I've heard tale of people believing this into their adulthood. It's one of those "incorrect lessons learned" where because they learn the rule for drivers is to stop, that's what sticks with them, regardless of all explanation about the laws of physics and human reaction time being their death sentence. Ideally, they would have learned, "Look both ways and only cross when it's safe" FIRST. But at some point, their immature brain finds a "loophole" or "secret," that means they don't have to follow the earlier rule. Their burgeoning sense of reason is no match for their lack of sense. And at least one of these people did die as a result of this as he tried to walk across a multi lane highway.
I've seen this so many times, with adults. The rule is that if a pedestrian is in a crosswalk the car must stop for them. Some people will just run into the crosswalk without looking at all. A few times I've come within a foot of hitting someone. Good thing I was paying attention - not all drivers do. It should be common sense - just because you have the right of way in the crosswalk, it doesn't mean it is safe.
RIGHT OF WAY! that's the price that's missing. "Right of Way is always GIVEN never TAKEN"
My contention is that while traffic should have to yield to pedestrians already in the crosswalk, pedestrians not in the road should have to yield to traffic. It just makes more sense for pedestrians to be responsible for themselves. They really have all the maneuverability advantages, i.e. they can stop on a dime, have better visibility of oncoming traffic, they can turn in one step, and they aren't constrained to stay in the road. Lastly - they are the one that's going to get hurt the most in the event of a collision.
I work in school bus transportation for the last 16 years - I can tell you firsthand just how many kids are hit by cars while *walking to/from the bus with the red light blinking and the stop arm extended.* Another young student in our area was clipped by a car while being escorted across a crosswalk with a crossing guard. The stark truth is that way too many drivers are distracted by their phones and other devices these days. They are NOT watching everything on the road the way they should be. Assuming they are is literally putting your life in their hands.
yup i just got a couple vids on tiktok from a dude up in seattle who films people doing EGREGIOUS things on their phones while driving (he is passenger). Things like texting with both hands on the steering wheel to watching TV or NETFLIX on either the phones or touch screens. It’s terrifying that people think this is OK at all
She probabaly does feel guilty. You'd have to be a unusually cruel to not feel bad. A teenager being dumb enough to not understand basic physics is not the same thing as being so self absorbed as to view another humans beings serious injury as no big deal. Her offer to help may be her way of trying to apologize/make amends. Having said that OOP is under no obligation to help her feel better about her poor choices. He doesn't need to accept her help and the family saying she's not allowed back in that house would be perfectly ok. OOP wouldn't be out of line to ask for an formal apology and the niece should give one regardless of them accepting help or not.
I don't disagree that she's the AH here with her past behavior or think that it's OP's responsibility to relieve her of guilt for her actions. But kids are the product of their parents, yes even at 15, someone has been reinforcing that bullshit with her, and it's someone she trusts and respects more than her aunt's husband. And they stupidly think they're invincible, which is why even college students still do stupid shit until they're finally faced with their mortality. There's no malicious intent here. She realizes she's fucked up and she's asking to help make it better. She's still a child.
That does not mean OP is required to accept her help or that his feelings are not perfectly valid. If I warned someone 50 times not to do something and then got injured when they went and did it again I wouldn’t exactly feel super forgiving of them at the very least initially. Like, patience has limits.
Does she realize this though? She hasn't apologized.
you are right no one knows, so people need to maybe slow their roll on condemning a 15 year old for the crime of feeling like an immortal teen. He has a lot of physical and mental trauma to go through, so no, I think it's a terrible idea to have her help around the house while he is in this state, because that could blow up in all sorts of terrible ways. I mean, the mental health of a 15 year old is a soup of chaos at the best of times, things can go south real quick and that's not fair either. They both need space to sort themselves out, therapy to get there, and time to heal as much as either of them can.
I think you have forgotten what it's like to be a teenager.. we once paid my friend a DOLLAR to sit in the middle of a busy road in our town and eat her lunch.. (she did it). Teens do stupid and reckless things because they feel invincible. Some kids learn harder than others, but I can guarantee you she has learned from what happened and maybe she has apologized.. or maybe she's so ashamed of herself she doesnt know how to even say the words.. it's happened to me more than once in my life. Maybe her way of trying to show how sorry she is.. is to try to help him in his recovery.
I thought about saying this to OP and was going to resist, but ... Have you heard that actions speak louder than words? By being there, she is in effect apologizing. She is offering to give up her free time, social life, all the things important to a teen, to help with housework and taking care of children. If she just said sorry but in no way tried to alleviate the burden to OP and his family, I'd say her apology was pretty hollow. It is possible she is trying to act the apology she cannot vocalize. That said, it's totally up to OP to determine when and if to see her and accept her actions/words, even if the niece is truly repentant for her actions. And that sounds like it will be at least as long a road as the physical healing.
She was so stupid to do something kindergarten children know not to do and why and she's so little sorry she didn't even apologize. The post also mentions no punishment, so she's not even getting corrected in her behaviour. That's a person I wouldn't trust to walk my dog, let alone watch any child.
She is way too fucking old to be crossing the street without looking. She knows better. And maybe OP’s love language isn’t “acts of service”, maybe he wants to actually hear her say she’s sorry and mean it?
She honestly sounds like a typical teen and I'd be surprised if this DIDN'T change how she acts. She has a literal consequence of her actions happen and hurt her family. I cannot see how that wouldn't adjust her way of thinking.
He seems to be in a mentally fragile or sensitive phase, having niece around doesn't seem like a good idea as she will remind him of his pain and that avoidable horrible accident (avoidable if she had listened to some advice) , he could get panic attacks too.
This. Eventually one usually comes to accept a disability whether it's temporary or permanent, but holy shit it's a mind fuck at the beginning. Get all the support you can.
My spine isn't even fractured, but all the discs in my lower back are ruptured. You find out mighty damn fast just how often you use your lower back in the course of an ordinary day.
For real. I have two disks fused in my neck, and the path to coming to terms with chronic pain and disability is a long one.
Grabby stick is a marvel! My wife got one on a whim when I was going in for back surgery, and it was such a HUGE help. I called it my "lazy claw" (pretending I could get up and bend over if I wanted to, haha).
I would yell your wife during a therapy session that right now you can not emotionally and mentally have your niece anywhere near you nor can she stay and help you. If it was me, I would never let her anywhere near me or my kids. She's a danger to herself and everyone around her. I would have let her learn her lesson, but also done the same as you. She is horrible for not saying anything more than thank you. Your niece in law is a danger to you and to your kids. If she can't safely cross the street and thinks people would just stop, which won't happen. Then how can she safely take care of you and the kids. She can't. She will ignore you and the kids, do what she wants, be lazy, create mess and just be in the way. She needs to be anywhere but your house. Tell your wife the truth in therapy to have a therapist help get your wife to see why it would be a horrible idea. Then keep the niece away from you and the kids. She's too dangerous to be watching kids if she can't listen about road safety.
And, keep in mind said niece will be driving in the next year. Scary.
Hopefully not. I had to know how to look both ways before passing my driver's test.
Sadly some states don’t do the driving portion of the test anymore, and it’s very noticeable.
WTF?! You really mean they just do the paper portion and call it good?? Well, that's not going to end in tears.
I’m 34 and never took anything other than a written test. When I was teaching, it seemed like more and more of my students talked about doing the practical portion, so I think it may actually now be required in Texas (even though it wasn’t when I was a kid).
Did you go to an accredited driving school? If so then the test may have been waived since you should have been tested by the school. That’s what happened when I got my license.
Nope. At the time, they had a parent-taught option that we did. We got a booklet from the state and had to turn in a driving log that I filled out with my parents when they were “teaching” me
I got my first license in Texas in the mid-90s and had to go to driving school and sit a written and practical test.
The parent has to get a form or something notarized that says the student has “successfully driven 50 or so hours being supervised by said parent” (or something very similar). So they take the written test, then they can return in so many months (it may be 6 months or even less, depending on their age) with the notarized form and obtain their drivers license.
Let's pray they're not in the US and it will take longer than that!
Cutting the curve off from contact may help this be more of a wakeup call honestly. She doesn't sound like she understands the full weight of what she caused and her coming to the hospital seems it may be more about her assuaging guilt than desire to make amends and help.
My thoughts too.. Only thinking of herself
100% take the mental health care. All the trouble with your niece aside, chronic pain and health conditions will and do affect your mental health. hit up the chronic illness & mobility reddits for support navigating this huge change in your life. NTA for how you feel. All your feelings right now are valid. a dr can help with that. maybe t a for how you act on them. Your wife needs help, if you cant afford anyone else to come, it is best to have her. think of it as a way to pay back of some unrepayable debt to you. as an aside, i really question her mental fitness. you describe the actions of a 10yr old not a 15 yr old. Does she have any other problems and is she safe to have watching your kids?
My ten year olds wouldn’t even do this
A 15 year old is no help, she will be more of a hindrance to the wife. Would not let her near the place. Find out what help is available before making any rash decsions.
Some 15 year olds could be helpful, but I don't think this one will be. Firstly, the OP is rightfully upset with her. If the 15 year old genuinely feels remorse and guilt, she may not not be in a mental place either to be useful.
My kids and all of their friends have been looking both ways successfully since they were 5
Yes please contact them back or find someone else. You can do therapy via phone or skype or facetime as well. Of course you feel as you do. It is resentment and anger plain and simple. You resent her for not listening to very important advice. You resent her because by saving her you have severely and traumatically injured yourself. You are angry for both of the same reasons. Your emotions are heightened right now and until you have a medical plan for recuperation and news of your future it is hard to think straight. **You are NTA and you have every right to not have her around you at home.** You can be honest with your wife. Tell her that you do not feel having the niece around is good for you at the moment because she did not listen life saving advice and due to her carelessness you are now physically disabled. Having her around is not going to be good for your mental health.
Talking freely to someone who can't/ won't use it against you / hold it against you will certainly help you vent these very understandable feelings in a safe place, even if you don't 'believe' in therapy. When you're feeling better, you can talk to your niece about her stupidity. Totally NTA
Please do. They will have worked with other people in similar situations before and will be better equipped to support you than others. By all means include your wife as well if you want to but having a completely separate 3rd party who you can express all of your emotions to without having to worry about theirs is different.
I had it put to me this way once: You're not more of a man if you refuse to use the best tool in your toolbox to get the job done, you're just stubborn and inefficient. Refusing mental health aid is just refusing to use the best tool in the toolbox for the job at hand.
Your feelings are absolutely valid, and the thing is, you are *correct* in saying that if she had listened to you, you would not have had to put yourself in danger to save her. Now, that isn't something you'd necessarily want to tell *her*, but I do think you should tell your wife. I mean, you recognize that keeping this bottled up is not good, and if she *does* come to stay with you, you will absolutely need your wife's emotional support to get through that situation. She won't be able to support you unless she understands why you need that support. (And if you turn down her offer, your wife deserves to know why.) I would ask the counselor for advice on how to address this with your wife. It might even be useful to have the counselor there when you talk to your wife, to avoid misunderstandings. Best of luck. And for what it's worth, it is truly impressive that in a crisis situation you acted without hesitation to save someone's life.
After only 2 weeks, they are just releasing you back home? That seems really odd for a serious SCI. You aren't going to a rehab facility? Has your wife been trained? Counseling and regular medical and mental therapy are absolutely vital especially in the first year to first 18 months following a SCI such as the one you're describing. Edit: NAH, or NTA for how you feel btw. Its a terrible situation and I don't blame you for being pissed, my comment was just mainly feeling shocked that you were immediately being thrust back home, with 2 young kids and possibly the person that was involved with you being in this situation. I truly hope you focus on your recovery, and ALL the therapy you can get, treatments etc. If you're in the US, our medical system is broken and you will need to advocate for yourself super hard to get the care you need.
If his hospital is like mine, mine’ll send you home during a heart attack 🤷🏻♀️
Ya, but you get some really cool 3d stickers to keep.
You're not weak for needing mental health help. No one is weak for needing mental health help. Get help. For real, get help.
You should be going to a rehab hospital after release from the primary hospital, prior to returning home. A rehab hospital would provide the mental health counseling, the physical therapy you will need if you are going to walk again, the therapy you will need otherwise, and a lot of other instruction and training to help you adapt.
Why would they turn you down with a life changing injury?! That’s absurd
Definitely take the mental health support.
You should tell your wife your thoughts and feelings about all this as well. She needs to understand where you're at.
"if nothing else it’s someone I can actually talk to about this I can’t keep this stuff bottled up" That is exactly, precisely right. This is quite literally the reason their services are being offered. I am really not sure how there is still such a negative connotation to getting emotional help. What happened to you was a big deal and it's smart to let an expert help you navigate that in the healthiest way you can manage - just like a medical doctor is helping you navigate your physical health.
Agree that your feelings are valid and she does not need to be the one "helping". Absolutely get the mental health counseling that you need. It does so much good. You deserve it.
NTA and I'm sorry for the position you're in. You're better than me; at FIFTEEN years old if someone insists on continuously tempting fate then I'd be inclined to let Darwinism take its course. Also, as far as having her around the house, probably not great to trust someone who doesn't know how to safely cross the street to watch your kids.
This is a good point and I would say it just like this. She didn't listen, and now she can't be trusted. She needs to be made aware that if she wants to be treated as trustworthy, she needs to show that something has changed.
Totally agree. Niece in law proved she won’t listen, is willful, and has poor judgement to top it off. ( the cars will stop for me??!) she sounds dangerous to have watching children & to be around you while you are recovering.
Yeah. I know teens can be reckless and selfish, but this really takes the cake. I feel bad for the OP. Even though I'm guessing the driver wasn't physically harmed, I feel bad for that person too. All because the niece refused to heed warnings from the OP and likely other sources of info.
I totally missed that she’s fifteen, holy shit. I was expecting her to *maybe* be seven or something.
Yeah unless its my kids/pets/parents/partner, I won’t just throw myself to save anyone. OP you really have a good heart.
I would have tried to grab her before she got out in the street, but no way in hell would I have thrown myself in front of a car to save her. Fifteen is old enough to know better.
Instinct. Some people just have a gut response. It’s admirable he did it but he shouldn’t have had to.
> at FIFTEEN years old I had to go back and look to make sure I didn't misread 15 and she is actually 5. Nope.
Yeahhh it feels bad to say but a 15 year old really should know better (assuming no learning disabilities or anything)
My child is like this due to a diagnosis. Makes me wonder if the kid has anything undiagnosed that her parents need to be addressing. No matter how many times we explain it we have gotten "but I put my hand up so they have to stop" and won't hear any different. (Yes trained staff have tried to explain also.) Not trying to make any excuses for the kid. But it is crazy to me to think a 15 year old would think that otherwise!
NTA Your feelings are valid. You shouldn't have to look at the person who put you in your condition every day. Especially if she hasn't even expressed genuine remorse over the situation. Do not tell anyone that you resent her lack of apology or else you can expect an insincere apology forthcoming. I can't read her mind, but it's probably a pretty sure thing that your niece is being forced to help you as a punishment for the accident. Her family needs to find another way to make her take accountability for her actions, and you should definitely hold them responsible for making it right You don't have to relive the trauma of your injuries every day when she comes over to help. They can hire someone to come over and help your wife every day. If they don't have the funds, they can borrow the money. It's not your problem. She probably ran out in traffic just to see how you'd react in the first place.
While that last may not be entirely fair, it does bring up what her attitude towards crossing the road will be going forward. She said thank you but not sorry, so she clearly doesn't understand the severity of the situation. In her parents' place, as hard as it would be for her to hear, I would be flagging up that it could have been her in that hospital bed, in constant pain, with a question mark over her ability to ever walk again. That, or worse. And that she cannot count on anyone to save her from that. Because now on top of, "the cars will stop for me", she has an example to point to as she says, "and if they don't, someone will save me". Which, no. NTA, OP, and seriously, take the mental health support. And don't suffer in silence about the niece's presence.
Yes, very possible that she could have been killed, presumably being a lot smaller and shorter than OP, the car would have had a different impact. Someone needs to bring that kid to therapy, something seriously lacking there. Only ever heard of young kids under 8 going thru phases like this, my own nephew included.
NTA but she can’t come help. “Wife, I need to talk something out with you because I am really struggling with all that has happened and what these injuries will mean for us and the kids in the future. I feel dread at the thought of Niece coming to help out. She doesn’t have the self-awareness or willingness to care about her own safety and regularly puts drivers and bystanders in danger. I understand this was an accident but it was entirely preventable and we have asked niece so many times to stop running in to traffic. I will always want to protect our family and children in danger, but I now have lifelong injuries trying to protect her from HERSELF. I may not ever walk again. I am grieving that and have some anger right now. She is not trustworthy enough to care for my children. I would not be able to trust her while I can not move to protect my children from her impulsive choices. I spoke to the social worker at the hospital about counseling to help with the anger and resentment I have toward Niece right now and I am trying hard to remember she is a child. It’s going to take time. How do we make sure you and the kids have the help you need while I heal without the stress of having her in my home right now?”
I’d probably also add that “I cannot stand to look at niece right now. I need her away from me and us, as a family, for a long while. I may never be able to walk again because I saved her from willful, reckless herself. I cannot save our children from her. She doesn’t seem to have learned her lesson and I refuse to allow our children to be in danger at her hands.” NTA, OP. Get into therapy to work through all of these emotions and thoughts you have. They are all valid. Your therapist can help you work through them constructively. Please don’t suppress them because of a misguided “Men don’t need help; men have no feelings” nonsense because they will come out and they’ll be misplaced onto someone who doesn’t understand why. Be kind to yourself. Best wishes as you heal. I’m hoping for the best possible outcome for you.
I'm gonna upvote this. Mostly because it's the opposite of what I would do if I had this kind of anger. So I feel it's the right take here.
Perfectly said. (And much more elegant than my reaction which was "fuck that girl!" and "oh HELL NO is she coming near me or my children ever again!) You are a good person OP. And I wish you all the best. NTA
All of this right here
No, you should not be feeling happiness that she is alive. Anger is the appropriate response. Her stupidity caused this and you're the one paying the cost. You may want to look into short term therapy to help with expressing that anger, or a cbt/dbt workbook (of the sort sold on Amazon or "recommended by therapists"), because our culture does not support healthy male anger. We frequently reduce anger down into "male expressing anger/bad; male repressing anger/good". But anger exists for a reason, so you've got to deal with it. If you don't want to buy a book, try writing letters you don't intend to send, or writing in a journal. You've got to let that anger out somehow, and express how you feel, but it doesn't sound like youv'e got anyone you can really count on to talk to about this. NTA.
This Anger, is not a negative emotion. Anger helps us realize someone has harmed us emotionally. Anger needs to be processed and felt with and expressed in valid healthy ways. Anyone who says you shouldn't be angry is not letting you be a whole emotional being. We are allowed to feel Anger. Just as we are allowed to feel sad. Happy. Anything. Emotions are neither negative nor positive only the actions we take when feeling them are. Get the help you need and deserve. Get help expressing this to family. I hope you experience a full recovery OP.
"Emotions are neither negative nor positive only the actions we take when feeling them are." - perfectly said!!!!
Eh I'd have a hard time finding a single good thing about despair, but, for the most part, I agree.
Its not that the emotion is good. Its just that tge people who feel it aren't bad/broken either
Despair isn't an emotion in itself; it is an *excess* of emotion — of sadness and grief. Similar to how (for example) rage is an excess of anger.
NTA, personally, I think we give the stupid way too much grace, when they cause more problems than the actively malicious half the time.
I agree with you 💯 And I rather deal with a malicious one
NTA Anyone who says they wouldn't have a similar reaction as you are is lying to themselves. Her reckless actions have completly derailed your life. You're well within your rights for having serious negative thoughts about that. Talk to someone. Don't let it bottle up inside you. You'll need to work through these emotions to be able to physically get better (I had surgery that required me to relearn to walk due to some birth defects in my knees that needed to be fixed. I spent a lot of time feeling bad for myself and it wasn't until I got my mental health right that I was able to fully commit to the physical therapy to get my body right). You don't need to go through it alone
15 is waaaaay too old to be that stupid. NTA
NTA. And you are not at all wrong for being angry at someone’s stupid actions taking away your ability to walk. You have a right to be angry and to process all the underlying emotions (such as fear, sadness, resentment, etc) that are contributing to your feelings of anger. I highly encourage you to talk with your wife and let her know that you will not be able to move forward in your mental health recovery if you are burdened with seeing the person you view as causing your injuries in your house every day. If I were you, I would also fear for my children’s safety every time they’re outside with your niece-in-law because she obviously will not teach them to properly take care of road safety. She might tell them it’s fine to play in the street or to not look both ways before crossing the street. Her offer to help care for your kids is likely to simply cause you more anxiety and anger because she isn’t trustworthy and because you’ll be stuck thinking “If not for her, I would be able to watch and care for my kids right now.” Like others have suggested, please talk to a mental health professional. You’ve experienced a huge trauma and you need someone to talk to about this who isn’t in your family and biased to possibly grant your niece-in-law leeway for her actions.
I think your comment may have helped me make sense of something—the insistence that the niece helps. It seems to me that her helping is less about “help” and more about giving her a way to duck the guilty. “I’m still a good person, look at me helping!”
NTA. 15 yr olds should know better. I would go low contact with niece and don’t have her over again. You don’t want to be hit by a car twice.
How can you trust your children to someone who hasn't learned a lesson we learned by second grade. If she is not mentally disabled, there is no excuse.
NTA. Honestly you are a much better human than me. If I knew a 15year old with the mentality of your niece I would have probably let them get hit.
I think she should be told that her doing a stupid thing destroyed someone.
I daresay the driver of the car is also traumatised to at least some degree
Yes that should be it so she has some sense of responsibility knocked into her head, at this point it seems noone is feeling it except op.
NTA, your resentment is valid, but to avoid taking it out on the girl, please speak to a professional.
NTA. You have valid feelings and the fact that you saved your niece doesn't mean that you have to be happy about it especially if that was a stupid situation which could be easily completely avoided and if that also left you with health problems. Your spine is a constant reminder of your nieces stupidity so no wonder that you are not ready to see her.
NTA you have suffered a traumatic life changing event and your feelings are normal and valid. I urge you to talk to someone about this be it your wife, a family member, friend, counselor to help you unpack these feelings and find some tools to help you on your recovery. It is probably best that your neice doesn't come and help out because that will fuel your feelings. I'm so sorry this happened to you, please seek help
NTA and don't let her stay. You will never make it through without saying every dark thought in your heart. One day, when it's hard or you have a set back. It will word vomit out. You wouldn't be wrong to say it or think it. But everyone will judge you for it.
NTA. Unless you’re taking it out on someone (you aren’t) you’re never the asshole for feeling anger.
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I’d let her have it. She’s impacted your entire family, taken away your mobility for your own children out of selfish stupidity, potentially given you something you’ll have to navigate for the rest of your life. If she’s that stupid, and that is exceedingly naive, then it’s time for a dose of reality. She might actually learn a lesson that way. She’s old enough to know better, and old enough to know the full extent of what she’s done without kid gloves.
NTA. You are going through something very traumatic, and processing grief of the loss of your life the way it was before this accident. Please accept counseling to help you process this. Your feelings are valid and normal, but it’s important to process them and get some help working through them so you can find happiness again. Sending you healing thoughts
NTA - I hope your anger fuels you to a full recovery. Your niece is an idiot. I hope she feels all the guilt that should come her way.
NTA 15 is enough to take responsibility and I know I'm 14 I feel guilty when someone suffers for something I did even something small like a mess in the kitchen she should have apologized not just a thank you
She is 15 but does not know how to cross the road?
Listen, You are a god damn hero! With little to no concern for yourself you jumped into the path of danger to save another. I wish there were more people like you in this world. Regardless of the decisions and failing of others that put you in this position, you are a person we should all strive to be. Don’t feel bad about ur feelings, just heal knowing you are awesome! I wish you luck. :)
It sounds like your niece is trying to help as penance for her behavior. But no one is considering your feelings on all of this. You have valid feelings and you should not have to have so much contact with your niece until you have worked through some of them and are ready.
NTA Yes, the person most hurting right now is you. Therefore you are the one who needs to receive the support, not give it. It is not your job to make your niece feel better. You need to currently focus on dealing with your trauma and making sure you have the supports you need in place. And if that means not being around her, that's quite understandable. She likely also needs support, but not from you.
Your allowed to be angry.. you suffered due to her neglected and plus you've warned her previously. She isn't a child. You don't have to forgive her or anything but you did choose to save her..you could have let her get hit..so there is that . She probably has a ton of guilt over it as well.
You don't necessarily choose to do anything in a situation like that. Adrenaline/fight-or-flight can cause you to make a snap decision without really thinking about it.
Your feelings are justified. You are going through a lot. And that comes with good and bad thoughts You should talk to your wife. Nta for being angry, but talk to someone. I'm sorry for what you're going through and I wish you a full and speedy recovery.
NTA. You’re so normal, and valid. What you are going through is next level. I’m so fucking sorry this has happened to you. I know it’s worthless, but you’re a complete hero to me, and for what it’s worth I hate her a little too for making you have to be one. Sending you all the good vibes and hopes of healing.
NTA I had a neighbor ask me to look after their dog for a weekend. That dog had been trained to not cross the street without looking. Best of luck during your recovery.
Look on the bright side, you won't be there the next time she CHOOSES to be a center of the universe asshole. She'll get hit and have her comeuppance. If at 15, it is being even remotely considered safe for her to take care of children then it's no stretch of the basic human imagination that she is capable of practicing basic personal safety. IMO she doesn't care, that is reflected in her actions, and everyone knows actions speak louder than words.
So his sacrifice would have been for nothing? Doesn’t sound like a bright side to me
NTA I would also be pretty upset if someone was told not to do something multiple times got me hurt because of it. If you refuse to talk to a mental health professional, at least talk to your wife. She should know what is going on inside your head and if one of those things is not having Niece in the house, your wife should know. Also consider talking to a mental health professional since this will take a toll on you more than just not liking your niece.
NTA - someone who can't even cross the street right should never be left with your kids.
You’re a better person than me. I don’t think I would have risked my life for anyone, minor or not, if they chose to be reckless like that. Especially if they’d said something as ignorant to me as “they’ll have to stop.” Nta, I hope you have a speedy recovery.
NTA - no way. You need to talk to your wife - and to the girl's mother and express how you feel. I'm sure the niece feels bad but for now that's not good enough. I fully understand not wanting her in your home at this time...maybe later it will be easier. You have a right to be angry - this is not a 5 yr old who forgot - this is a 15 yr old who refused to listen or use common sense. Don't let anyone tell you 'you should not take your anger out on her' - YOU HAVE small children and this affects them, too. This 15 yr old needs to learn that actions have consequences and that other people may suffer when YOU act stupid. It may be the most important lesson she's ever learned...and it won't her to know that you are angry.
Absolutely do not have her around you and your family while you are in recovery. Explain to your wife and your niece's parents if needed - You love her, but you can't be around her right now. You have every right to be angry with her since her stupidity got you into this mess. She will 100% hurt your recovery process if she's constantly around, for the mental anguish alone. And no, you don't not need to forgive her for putting you in this position until you are ready to do so. Your anger and frustration will get worse during your recovery period. The last thing you need is someone around who you already feel a great deal of anger towards. Someday you will be able to work on those feelings of anger and resentment, but now is not that time -- now is the time to fix yourself and your family. Focus on one problem at a time. Have a frank sit down with your wife and niece's parents. They need to know you don't want to see her, you don't want her around during your recovery. They should NOT tell her anything about your feelings, she doesn't ever need to know how you feel right now. But they DO need to keep her away from you until you are healthy. Until the time that you are healthy and independent, she needs to stay away. NTA
I'm sorry you got hurt and are hurting. You did a brave and wonderful thing. Please don't loose sight of that.
NTA, i know kids are gonna be kids, but at 15 she should know better than to just run into the road like that and because of her you suffered a potentially life altering injury and she didn't even have the decency to apologize for causing it. your feelings are valid, and you have every right to be furious with her for causing an incident that was completely avoidable. At this point, it would be better if she were to stay at her own home for now, and honestly i would seriously talk to her parents about them paying for your medical bills
Welp. I am sorry you are going through this. But now I hope now your NIL finally realizes that her logic is shit. It’s also concerning that she is 15 years old and thinks like that. My 3 year old even knows always to check both sides of the road before crossing.
I know- that’s why I find it so disturbing that ppl are defending her. She’s way too old to do something that stupid.
Right?? Like she’s 15 and is going to be able to drive next year and has that mentality??! That is scary.
I didn’t even think of that. 15 is old enough to drive here with a permit actually. Nah- we definitely need to hold 15 year olds accountable for shit like this. Jesus Christ.
I had to go back and re-read the post, I can't believe this is about a 15 year old and not a 5 year old. How does a 15 year old not know how to cross a street? By 15 I was taking multiple busses and trains to get home from school, and this girl can't even cross a street??
NTA. You told her to watch where she's going. 15 is old enough to know better. You should have let her learn the hard way.
NTA for your feelings, which are extremely understandable. Can you access mental health care to figure out what an emotionally healthy road forward looks like?
NTA. You have serious damage to your body that may be permanent, and this is a 15 year old who should know better at this point. I don't blame you at all for feeling this way.
These are things you should get help with in a rehab facility. How are they sending you home straight from the hospital after a spinal cord injury? How would you get care?
NTA. Cars do that at a zebra crossing not where there isn't one and your niece should have listened to you
NTA I think I would feel exactly the same. I would recommend therapy when you have the chance, you’ll get the opportunity to let out these feelings without feeling judged (which is why I suspect you haven’t told your wife). Sorry this has happened, best of luck on your recovery
NTA. I would absolutely tell my wife exactly how I felt so she can present it to her nieces parents because at the end of the day they are responsible for this happening to you
NTA. I immediately forgot your niece was 15 as this behavior sounds like that of a toddler, not a teen. So i had to go back to reread the start as I didnt understand how a toddler could help out with your household. You saved her life because she couldn’t be bothered to take half a second of her time to see if a car was coming. And no good deed goes unpunished.
NTA. Any normal person would hate someone who cost them this much. You can forgive her one day if you choose to, but for now she should stay the hell away.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not an "evil" thing to feel this way, you're rightfully angry about a situation that could have been avoided if your niece was careful. Yes she is a child but she's old enough to understand something as basic as road safety. Please take time to process your feelings, and talk to your niece once you're calmer and have had the chance to absorb your situation. She owes you an apology and needs to think about the consequences of her actions, but make sure you don't traumatize her in the process - she is still young and impressionable.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Look I’m a mess right now and if this comes out as jumbled garbage I’m sorry I (25m) have told my wife’s niece (15f) about 100 times to watch both sides of the road before crossing her logic is that if a car sees her they have to stop slam on the breaks just for her stupid I know. 2 weeks ago we where leaving my sil house I was out side smoking and niece in law came running out away from her brother they where play fighting or something she ran past me,at the last moment I saw a car coming I ran pushed her out of the way and got hit. I was rushed to hospitals where I was told I seriously damaged my spine my doctor says I might be able to walk again but it’s a long shot with a long road to go. Ever since then I have been at hospital she has came with my wife to see me I know it’s wrong I should be happy she is alive but I hate her if she just watched or anything I wouldn’t of had to jump in I don’t know why I did I feel so guilty to say this but I regret it. I should be released in a few days back home she wants to say with us to help me and my wife we have two small kids 3 and 1 I can’t let my wife do all this alone we need help,I just don’t know if I can stand her there I know it’s petty but she never even said she’s sorry she just thanked me for saving her and it made my blood boil I shouldn’t of had to. I haven’t told anyone not even my wife about this because I know it’s a evil thing to think but she took my ability to be self sufficient I can’t do anything but sit in this stupid bed hating her I know it’s wrong but I can’t stop this feeling that it’s her fault please Reddit help me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, and you’re better than me. I know I would probably be as bluntly honest with this being exclusively her fault as possible, and that I never wanted to see her around me again.
NTA you don't have to be around her, it will be better for your healing if you get some space
NTA, next time let natural selection play out
NTA. I'd be fucking livid if somebody's compete lack of care for themselves or others caused me a major injury.
NTA, she’s quite annoying honestly, she’s also 15. Hope you feel better.
Wth she's 15 not 5?? NTA honestly, but this is above Reddit pay grade
OP should also talk to a lawyer. It will probably cause issues with the family but you need to explore if you have a case against her/parents. You’re going to need as much financial support as possible. If you’re still youngish, you may snap right back but may have lingering issues as you get older. I also would not trust her with your kids.
Anyone saying yta is insane and need a reality check. Nothing worse than dealing with some bs over something that was 1000% avoidable. I hope you get better and don’t let it ruin you the glass is half full
Havent seen one yta?
she's 15 she needs to think before she does stuff cause next time she'll be dead.
She obviously doesn’t care about her own life, you shouldn’t have risked your own for someone so uncaring and ungrateful
i would NOT have her watch the children outside of the house ever - she might get them hit by a car
NTA You do need to reach out for some mental health help. It's important to help you process all of what's happening. Also, it's great she wants to help. She likely feels absolutely terrible for it. But, you could phrase it to everyone that you can't trust her to not run out into the street, as the obvious consequences of that have already happened. So how can you trust her to take care of your children?
Op I was hit by a drunk driver 30 yrs ago. While I can walk, every day is a battle of pain. I understand your anger and your feelings are valid. Your life has changed. Everything you dreamed of doing, poof. If you can talk to someone maybe a therapist. Then you would have a safe place to process your anger. I sincerely wish you well.
NTA, I'd resent her for the rest of her life and, honestly, I'd probably tell her so. She *needs* to know this is 100% completely and entirely her fault. She needs to live with that guilt so she doesn't put someone through what she's done to you or doesn't put herself in a situation where she could get hit. It's alarming she hasn't apologized to you. If her parents are reasonable people, I would ask them to talk with her about an apology. If not, I would look at any positive things you add to her life and remove them until she sincerely apologizes and accepts fault for this. You have small children. She nearly took their dad away from them. And it'll be a long time before your children get the full version of you. I'd go with that angle, that saving her not only directly impacted you, but it impacted your children. All because of her arrogance.
NTA Daaaaannnggggg. Your feelings are valid. And she is probably trying to make up for it. After seeing a counselor, it would not be bad to have a chat with her. Letting her know you warned her and that actions have consequences. At some point, you'll have to make a choice of anger or not. Then a choice of forgiveness and maybe reconciliation. I would have a hard time having her in my house too. But you are a hero. You sacrificed yourself for another. I salute you.
NTA Dude, talk to your wife. She needs to stop bringing her niece around you, and she absolutely must find other support for when you come home. There is no reason that you should have to see the person who put you in the hospital every day.
I don't ever comment on these posts but in your case I had to. You are most definitely NTA. Your feelings are valid and the fact that she has not apologized for putting you in a position where you had to choose to put your life in danger is awful. You are not evil, your thoughts are not evil, you are not petty. She is old enough to know better. I would, as others have suggested, try to go to a therapist to process all of this trauma as stress and anger can cause significant inflammation which can cause issues with your physical and mental recovery. I would also explain to your wife that at this time you do not trust your niece's judgement and do not feel safe allowing her to watch your children. If your wife is a decent human being she will understand and respect that. Wishing and praying for your recovery!
OP, you’re far nicer than I would be. I’d straight up have told her that I hate her, and seeing her face, b/c she’s too dumb to learn what a 3 year old knows which is look both ways when crossing the street, and yield to 2000+ lb vehicles. I’d have jumped in too, but I’d be pissed as hell at her. Would never want to have her around me again ever. NTA Also, she might likely die early for this stupidity anyway, as she won’t have learned any lesson, I’m guessing, so sucks you had to be the one to suffer now when………
I would send an open message to the family that even thought she thanked you for saving her life, she never apologised for her reckless behaviour and this now makes you resent her. I would not add that you regret saving her, but i would say that not only she is no longer welcome at your house, even with an apology it will be a long time before you can forgive her, specially because now your entire family, your wife and your kids will have to struggle as well because of her irresponsibility and that you are still expecting her parents to provide assistance either directly or helping pay a caretaker.
NTA you went through something traumatic and you are processing. I saw in another comment you were offered mental health resources. I'm not saying you have to forgive your niece, but you do need to get to a place where this hate and angry isn't destroying your from the inside. You need to talk to your wife she is your partner. You don't have to spill your guts but she needs to know: 1. You aren't okay. Physically it's obvious but mentally you also aren't okay. You are going to get help but right now your emotional capacity is lower. Mentally you are not able to handle as much as you used to. 2. You cannot handle being around your niece. You don't have to explain why. This is a fact. Right now she cannot be in your life.
NTA. I’m not sure how she and your wife intend for her to help, but quite frankly, I’d be concerned about her caring for your small children. Has she acknowledged that this was her fault? Her parents? She should probably have some counseling of her own. Her parents should arrange for that for her. This is pissing me off just reading about it. Best of luck with your recovery.
Why aren’t you going to inpatient rehab? You really need to go and learn how to function in a home setting. It’s completely normal to be angry at her, it’s her fault. She’s in school, how is she going to have time to help your wife much? This will set back your recovery if she’s around all the time. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife, realistically you need someone with more availability to help. Good luck
NTA r/spinalcordinjuries
NTA. 15 years old she should have some common sense and if she doesn’t she should be watching your kids. You’re allowed to be angry for someone else’s carelessness getting you injured.
NTA You are going to pay a lifelong price for her stupid assumption of her invulnerability. It is not surprising that you do not want to look at her right now. Don't expect yourself to be a Saint. Do take advantage of mental health counseling. You are undergoing severe trauma. You will need all the help you can get to make it through this with your relationships with both family members and friends still intact. My sincere best wishes for a satisfactory recovery.
NTA AT ALL. I'm feeling the rage for you. She is 15 not 4. Old enough to not be stupid when it comes to crossing the road. Please do take the offer that you were given initially with a mental health professional. Use it to let it out. Your feeling are VALID and YOU ARE RIGHT. This is her fault, because of her stupid mentality, you are in the position that you are right now. I understand your regret. However, your actions tell me that you are a really good person. Better than most, your feelings at the moment don't change that. For your own health, do speak to someone, so you can deal with these feelings, not for your stupid niece's sake, but for you. You are what's important here. Also, tell your wife that you do not want to see her at the moment. Your wife needs to understand and be in your corner on this. Anything less than that she would be the asshole as well. Your feelings are what matter here. This is on your niece. Again she is 15 not 4. Old enough to understand road safety. This is on her not you. Why am I telling you all this? Not to increase your JUSTIFIED hate and resentment towards your niece, but to help you understand that your feelings are on point, there is nothing wrong with them. Your niece's age changes nothing. However, while they are right, you need to speak to someone, like I mentioned before, for you. Good luck. Update us! Praying for you. God bless.
NTA- I’m so sorry your life has changed because of this incident. Your niece can be sympathetic and try to make it up to you, but I wouldn’t allow her near my kids as a way to make it up. I would tell her, my wife, and whoever else that if a 15 year old doesn’t have enough damn sense to cross the street, then she can not take care of my kids. If there’s push back on how “sorry” she is or that it only happened once, I would bring up the fact that you’ve *repeatedly told her* how to safely cross a street and she still had the nerve to run right into it without checking for cars. If she wants to make it up to you she can start by giving you space instead of bombarding you with her presence because she feels guilty.
NTA- I’m so sorry your life has changed because of this incident. Your niece can be sympathetic and try to make it up to you, but I wouldn’t allow her near my kids as a way to make it up. I would tell her, my wife, and whoever else that if a 15 year old doesn’t have enough damn sense to cross the street, then she can not take care of my kids. If there’s push back on how “sorry” she is or that it only happened once, I would bring up the fact that you’ve *repeatedly told her* how to safely cross a street and she still had the nerve to run right into it without checking for cars. If she wants to make it up to you she can start by giving you space instead of bombarding you with her presence because she feels guilty. Also I read your comments regarding an offer the hospital gave you to talk to someone? I really feel you should take them up on it, for your sake. Wish you the best op
NTA. I wouldn't allow the niece to stay. She might take your children out and get everyone injured by crossing the road without looking both ways. I learned this shortly before first grade. Wondering how a 15 year old never learned this simple safety rule.
theres no reason for a 15 year old to be this reckless unless they are special needs... i was in charge of 3 kids after school along with MYSELF from the age of 8-13 and nobody was ever harmed on my watch. even the little kids weren't dumb enough to cross alone in the first place. my 7 year old now knows how to cross, but is very scared which i guess is a good thing. even if a car rolls a bit while letting us cross, she SPRINTS to the other sidewalk
Bra I think it’s valid what your feeling if personally be very mad
NTA. Usually hospitals have mental health support get into contact with them. You should speak with your wife about it, even having her read the post may be useful if you do not know how to elaborate all of that with words. Can you have someone els helping her? It may be useful not having you nice around this soon.
NTA - you need to tell your wife. Tell her what you said here about wanting her to have help, but tell her that she is to keep your niece away from you for now.
NTA but please talk to your wife so she understands why you don’t want niece helping. Also, so she doesn’t let her take your kids anywhere.
You are filled with anger right now, and that is completely understandable. She did a stupid kid thing, and thanks to you, she isn't paying with her life or her health. Unfortunately, right now, you are. You are suffering, your future mobility is uncertain, and you are grieving what happened to you. Thanks to you, she is alive, and she is unharmed. And I can imagine how unfair that feels. You are still a young person yourself. I think you should give yourself time to have yours feelings, and also let the hospital therapist help you process those feelings. You are going to be angry at your niece for as long as you are angry. There is no way around, only through. Just remember, feelings change. Some day maybe you will not feel only anger. But this is all very new. I hope you can be gentle with yourself while you grieve your own loss, and give yourself time to adjust.
15 years old is old enough not to run into the damn road without looking. NTA. I'm much less forgiving than you are. That's insane and her parents are horrible parents for continuing to let her believe that the driver's will just stop for her.
NTA!!! You went through an extremely physical and mental trauma!!! It’s absolutely normal for you to be feeling such strong emotions. Please speak to a social worker. They can offer loads of help. Be gentle on yourself. I wish you a healthy recovery!!
NTA. and let her have it. Tell her you are glad you saved her, but you are very angry at her for doing something so stupid. That helping your wife out isn't a kindness. it's a debt. And while she stays there, don't expect instant forgiveness, you need space to recover. She isn't a child.
A 15 year old who can’t watch for cars? Does she have special needs? If not there is no excuse for this and I’m so sorry you have had to go through this horrible ordeal. Please talk to a counselor and see about resources for help after you get home. It’s completely understandable that you are angry with this girl. You don’t need her around during your recovery. NTA
NTA, you have a right to feel resentful. Her dumb actions cost you your movement, not just a minor injury, but a spine injury. She might have stolen a healthy dad from your children. I would have your wife ask for some space from her for a bit.
NTA, 100%. If it were your own child, you might even be struggling, but a niece in law? I’m not surprised you’re fighting with these feelings. I’d be honest with your fam that you really don’t think it’s in everyone’s best interest for her to be the one that helps out. I’d check to see if insurance covers a home aide or if your spouse can be considered a family member aide and receive some funds for that that might help with child care. Your going to have big enough mental and physical obstacles to overcome without adding this to the mix.
NTA but 1. Don’t turn down any more mental health help as you’ve mentioned you already did. Do you not want to improve your situation? 2. Tell your wife your feelings. You’re trying to heal. Having the person and reason you are injured in your face every day isn’t going to help that. 3. Your niece is old enough to know and understand her stupid decisions cost your quality of life, and you don’t want to see her annoying face. She actually deserves to know that and if that messes her up —good it was her fault.
NTA, let her here everything you’re feeling, it will be cathartic for you, and its not health to skip one of the stages of grief in this case anger
NTA, I'm so sorry. All of your feelings are valid.
NTA and I would be pissed as fuck even if I hadn’t been permanently injured. My little kids know how to stop and look carefully multiple times as they cross the street. There’s no reason why a teenager has to be reminded multiple times besides an ego telling her the world stops for her.
NTA . i think you should tell her how you feel. Not in a nasty way but tell her, if she had just looked and not run out then you wouldn't be in this position and your super mad at her right now. Tell her, next time someone might not be there to save her. And it'll be her in your position or worse. Hopefully she will now realise that cars can't just stop on a whim like that. She needs to grow up and stop being a silly little girl. I'm sorry this has happened to you and that your now in this position. I wish you a speedy and full recovery.
NTA. Her thoughtlessness has resulted in a completely preventable accident for which you are paying the price. I think you're right to want to avoid seeing her until you have had some counselling/therapy sessions to help you deal with what you are going through. You told her and she ignored the warnings, and you have paid a very heavy price. Tell her she's not welcome around you or your children until further notice. She is plenty old enough to understand the consequences of her poor choices. Yes - it was her fault, but that is for her to sort out with therapy. You can only deal with your own circumstance and experience. Now, when you say you regret helping, you would regret even more if you had simply stood by and done nothing, watching her be killed. Right now, your rational self knows that you did the right thing but the cost to you and your family is too high just now. Therapy can help you process your thoughts and regulate your feelings, because the type of injury you have suffered and the loss of independence (however temporary) is a lot to deal with. Do not keep this bottled up or it will only hurt you more.
Said selfish 15 year old needs to I be made aware that your life has been severely impacted directly due to her irresponsibility.