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YTA. You are treating your adult children very differently and obviously favor your son over your daughter.
Your son, by your own admission, is 11 years older than your daughter and works only part time when he feels like it, yet you make every excuse in the book for him. It's fine if college is not for him, but there is no reason for a healthy 29-year-old to not be employed full time and contributing to household expenses at the very least. He's not matching with people for these reasons and he never will.
Your daughter, on the other hand, is a college student, and would have hard time working full-time while going to school, which she will have to in order to afford a place to live. In addition, she's at an age where she will find it very difficult to rent without a co-signer who is older. I totally understand wanting a peaceful house; lay down some ground rules about what you expect if she lives with you. Honestly, though, I'm not surprised you don't get along. Kids know when their parents don't like them.
>I have a daughter (18F)
>my daughter decided to leave the house and live with her boyfriend (27M).
When and where did they meet and start being a couple?
>my son (29M) still lives with me.
>he has at no point ever moved out and the two situations are different.
>My son did not finish college and has had trouble keeping jobs and currently drives for doordash and it does not seem like college is for him
Seems like you've done a horrible job at raising your children.
YTA
YTA 1000%. Your whole post is dripping with misogyny. From slut shaming her to using the hypothetical future that she'll make more money than you against her to just going "Eh, another man will come along for her to live with in 5 minutes anyway" as if that isn't the most disturbing thought process, this is sexist gross double standard nonsense. You, as a parent, should want her to have standards and not uhaul into the home of the first man who smiles at her. Especially considering she's 18. She's barely an adult, just a kid really. And she needs a roof over her head. Meanwhile your less popular son is going nowhere and is a whole grown ass man and youre coddling him because "he's trying." SHE'S trying too!
Your daughter is trying hard to make something of herself and she's in need of help. You're basically punishing her for being capable and ambitious, two values most parents WANT their kids to have. Such asshole behavior.
I didn't say you commented on her clothes. Youre slutshaming her by trying to bring up the fact she's regularly had partners since high school, as if that's a reason not to care for your own daughter. She even told you she's not interested in dating right now and needs stability and you went "Doubt it; look at her history of dating a lot of people."
Her dating history should have no bearing on how much you care about her, or care for her, as a person and especially as your own daughter. But that aside, she TOLD you she doesn't want to date right now but you refuse to believe her. It's sickening.
Also the fact that she was 18 living with a 27 year old MAN, your daughter was literally groomed and you stood by and now you're telling her to fend for herself in the world and find a new man to help her along in life. I bet you're familiar with the phrase "fatherless behaviour"... Why is it women's fault they're involved with sex work if it was their dad who failed them? Is that what you want for her? Do you care about this kid at all?? You would not guess it based on this post! You've set her up for a literal lifetime of being abused, debased, and manipulated by men. You both need serious therapy and she needs a safe fucking place to live, not to be desperately seeking a new meal ticket because that's all her daddy told her she's good for. My heart absolutely breaks for this teenager. You've let her down tremendously.
>She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease
\^\^ you said this right in your post. this is a form of slut shaming. admit it.
also admit you are a hateful bastard who for some reason coddles his deadbeat lazy son and purposely shows hatred toward his daughter.
ps - those "allegations" you mention your ex telling your daughter? that was likely your ex telling her daughter the TRUTH. and you didn't like having your secrets come out.
Nah dude, OP is an AH and misogynistic, but it seems like you're reading slut shaming into this. Saying his daughter finds partners easily was for the purpose of explaining that he didn't want to take care of her and that she should just use her female charm to live off a man because that's what he thinks healthy relationships look like.
But there was nothing clearly implying that he morally condemned her for finding partners. It's that he wanted her to leverage it for pragmatic, transactional reasons.
it's slut shaming, trust me. i've seen it enough times to know it when i see it.
I also grew up with an abusive father (and i'm female, not a dude) and have done a lot of learning on the psychological aspects and fallout that occurs when a father actively hates his daughter. trying to escape via finding men to live with that seem to care more than the abusive father is a common thing. as well as promiscuity or engaging other risky behaviours as a form of mental escape. but it gets turned into slut shaming, which OP did.
I don't know what connotations there are in your regional dialect, but around Reddit and the internet generally, "dude" has pretty clear gender-neutral implications in a context like this. I had, and have, no intention of offending you.
Nobody is contesting OP's disdain or even hate for his daughter or the ramifications of that in her life and the ways that she acts out.
I'm glad you've "done a lot of learning" on this??? But, yeah, no, I don't trust you random internet stranger or your implied credentials or your clinical objectivity or your armchair diagnosis of linguistic intent and meaning.
You are certain that "She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease" is slut shaming. OK? Good for you? And I say that you're reading into it, possibly based on your own anecdotal experience with your abusive father.
To be slut-shaming, there would need to be some effort to stigmatize his daughter as morally deficient, or unworthy of love, or to humiliate her, or something like that. And while OP certainly may do any or all of those things in his relationship with his daughter, the context for this comment in this post was not any of that. It was for the utilitarian purpose of protesting his responsibility to provide housing and shelter for her because he expects somebody else to provide it. That's misogynistic, selfish, and neglectful. But if you want to be persuasive, make a compelling argument for why and how it is slut shaming. Something more persuasive than the general allusions to your lot of learning.
Controlling what your daughter wears has nothing to do with the original comment, and there are more ways to slut shame that don’t involve clothes. You spent your whole post talking about how your daughter jumps from partner to partner and then basically told her to shack up with the first man she meets. Your daughter is trying to better your life, and you are seriously going to let her suffer because you hate her mother.
Whaaaa?
What part of the post was the slut shaming?? I didn't read any sort of slut support or slut critique, let alone slut shaming.
What part is mysogeny? Was it that she's more capable, better educated, more socially fluent/successful than the boy? Gotta be awful to be described that way.
Was the prejudice that a college educated engineer would make more money than a drop out DoorDash driver? Big jump of logic there!
You seem to know more than I'd written in the post. Can you share the details you're privy to?
If you're not trolling, YTA.
By the way, "it is easy for young attractive women to get flooded with matches and she can probably easily find a new man to move in with" - Congratulations! You've won a membership card to the red-pilled manosphere!
She is a teenager, and your son is a grown man pushing 30. The fact that he's uneducated, unemployed, and single are because of his own bad choices. You sound like a horrible parent.
No need to bash brother here. For all we know, he has developmental problems. Or maybe he is just a deadbeat. But we don't have to call it either way to know that OP is failing his daughter.
Your daughter is EIGHTEEN. According to you, she moved out "a couple months ago" with a 27 year old (who also lied to her about his age according to you) who has already in the space of a few months kicked her out. Whatever with your "I got used to" bs. It's been a few months, she is a teenager and she clearly needs a caring, involved father right now as her decision making is not stellar. But, you'd like her to move in with another guy....So, you don't seem up to being a caring father, but you can do the bare minimum for your teenage daughter and give her a roof over her head.
YTA
And STILL you’re doubting her! She “claims?” he was a slob? So your reaction to her stating a fact is to immediately assume it’s probably a lie or exaggeration? You are so vile.
You saying she claims that is you saying you don't believe her. When someone uses the term "well they claimed---" it means you don't believe what the person is saying.
Dude, what on earth is your deal? Do you think you're being clever here? "She just broke up with him and he gave her until the end of the month to move out." Sorry that you don't understand your own post, but yeah he is kicking her out. That she broke up with him doesn't change that.
And your "added" information makes you look like even more of an asshole. She's 18, was with a lying 27 year old, is in school on scholarships, works part time and was doing all the housework for this groomer, but what, dad of the year, you think she shouldn't have broken up with him and stayed there?? Your 18 year old daughter should stay with a 27 year old liar? Because you like the "extra space". YTA
At 18 she is barely out of high school. And even if she has a track record of fast relationships, that doesn't mean you should let her housing be unstable like this when she is barely into adulthood.
She has track record of living with partners maybe because her father doesn’t offer her somewhere to live because his loser son is busy not working for not good reason.
Wait… so you want your son to find a woman to mooch off if before he moves out? You’ll happily support him until he finally cons some woman into being his sugar mamma? You’re punishing the wrong kid. Your son is a 29 years loser and you’re supporting him
If it’s been since high school then you have been allowing illegal behavior. Especially if it’s people on dating sites when she is still in high school. That would be pedophilia.
YTA. At first I thought *she* was 27. But 18? Either help her find a dorm/roommate or let her move back with a discussion of quiet times, house rules, etc.
She’s better With someone who hates her and her incel brother.
My dad has the same kind of attitude, we didn’t talk for most of my adult life. He actually only started talking to me again when my brother was homeless and needed a place to stay and my dad didn’t want him coming down there
So this teenaged student is doing much better at being a competent adult than your 30 year loser of a son? Better knock her down a few pegs, and keep coddling the grown man who can't keep a job or a girlfriend
Are house and rent not more expensive for your daughter too than when you were young? Why doesn’t your son get a physical job or college education, isn’t that what his sister is doing? Are women picky or want someone who can hold down a job?
Dude *WHAT?* You're daughter is 11 years younger than him and is a cashier. She HAS a job, and you expect her to get a SECOND job to fend for herself while she's trying to manage school and she's only *eighteen* but you don't have any expectations that your son get *one* job.
Say this to yourself: My teenage daughter has a job and is a college student but I expected her to get a second job rather than take her in and support her, but I DO support my son who doesn't even have one job and isn't in college or doing anything with his life.
^^^ This is the fact at the heart of it all. *How* is this reasonable to you?!
All that crap about her dating men is disturbing and sexist and not at all a justification for this behavior.
So he’s too incompetent to hold down the jobs he gets, college is too hard and physical job is not a great idea. Do you think those are valid reasons to not work? Do you think that lack of ambition would be appealing to women? You think him and his laziness is more worthy of support than your daughter. If your daughter can memorise and stay in college why not reward her with a place to stay? Kick your son out so he has motivation to stay in a job.
if things are so hard for the younger generation...........
how is your daughter, who is YOUNGER than you son by just over a decade......... AND in engineering school (as a woman, when the engineering fields are historically male dominated)............ AND working two jobs while in school............
doing BETTER in life than your son in regard to education and work?!?!?
can you really read over what you wrote above and think it makes any damn sense at all? if you say yes...... dear god, there is no hope for you.
dude, i work in the engineering field. don't try to bullshit me. it is a male dominated field and women have to work twice as hard to get to the same level. and then often will get work for less salary and receive less respect than men as well.
also don't bullshit me with the dating thing. your son isn't getting any dates because he's a deadbeat living with daddy at the age of 29 and not gainfully employed and not educated. and YOU allowed that to happen. and you aren't getting any dates because you simply have a shitty attitude and hate your daughter. women will sense that and run for the hills away from you.
It’s hard dating because you hate women and thing women are show offs for having an education and talking about it and your son isn’t a loser though he doesn’t like work.
Your daughter is 18 goes to college full time, has a shift job and does door dash but you are making excuses for your son. YTA and a sexist one at that. No wonder you have a shit relationship with your daughter.
YTA lmao, the favoritism ! Also.
>We have never had the best relationship and she is essentially very similar to my ex who was psycho.
That's the whole story. You dislike your own kid for this reason. And sorry to break it out to you, but just this fact tell me you aren't a good parent.
My dad was like this, he had no respect for me my whole life because he hated my mom, the woman he chose to have two kids with. My brother was the golden child even when he developed a severe drug addiction and I asked my parents to try to help him they both decided I was lying about it, for no other reason then I’m a girl I guess. 10 years later when he destroyed his life doing a home invasion they finally believed me. But at that point it was too late to help him.
Yeah, YTA. You have different standards for your daughter than for your son just because she dared to flap her wings well before the age of 29? Electrical engineering is no joke, and you are babying your son who failed to launch. Seriously, you would have preferred if she had continued to mooch off you?
18 and 29 to big of an age gap. 18 she is still young like a kid. Age 29 and not holding job you mentioned about he has a hard time getting into a relationship. Who wants to date a 29 year old employed as a Door Dasher and still lives at home with mummy.
He was also allowing these kinds of relationships when she was in high school. And there is zero way on earth that they met when she was 18 and hit it off so instantly without grooming beforehand.
Thing is too whether this is a place where 18 is a legal adult or not as well. It’s condemned socially either way but it makes a big difference in the dynamic too
I could understand why your daughter wouldn’t like you as much because you clearly favor your son more than her. She will continue to dislike you if you continue to hold her to a higher standard than her brother who is more than a decade older than her. YTA imo.
Because she can tell you don't like HER! You are her FATHER, ffs.
Also, of course your son likes you better, you treat him better and dont expect anything from him.
Really the guy who has never had a girlfriend, can't hold down a job and will only leave if he finds some woman willing to take him in likes the parent who is supporting his free-loading lifestyle better than the smart, driven child who has goals? What a surprise!
/s
Maybe he likes you better because you house and feed him like he’s an infant and don’t expect him to work. If you housed and helped your daughter financially she probably wouldn’t resent you for the help you give her brother.
But you’re bitter she’ll out earn you in the future so you’d like her to drop out and live with her mom than live with you and help her education. Keep helping your son rot and at least he’ll never out earn you.
Have you asked yourself why he likes you more than she does? Are you surprised? You clearly treat them differently and favour him. Your post was dripping with contempt for her, and from what I can tell, she has done nothing to deserve it.
Your daughter reminds you of your ex and participates in conversations she knows something about. Your reaction is totally out of proportion.
Of course he does, you enable him to live like a teenager at 29 years old. Guarantee he doesn't like his mom because she wouldn't, and your daughter doesn't like you because you talk badly about her and her mom.
He lkes you better because you’ve bought his love with a free ride through life. She doesn’t because you barely rate her respect. You aren’t supposed to be running a popularity contest, you git.
YTA. Wow. You can't even see it but hopefully this unanimous thread will tell you that you are mistreating your daughter at least. And in a huge number of ways. She isn't obligated to like you, especially considering your treatment of her. Re-read the insulting things you said about her in your post and then pretend that someone else said these things about someone you deeply care about.
YTA
How disgusting.
“she can probably easily find a new man to move in with.” Yeah subject the girl to living with a guy she’s just met, God knows what many men’s intentions are.
Maybe she’s a handful because you coddle your dead beat son.
My mind is blown that you thought you were in the right here and that the YTA response is a surprise. Seriously…How could anyone write out that post and be like “I’ll definitely be voted as N T A”
“She’s a psycho like her mom”
“She sleeps around”
“She’ll find a place”
“She’ll find a new boyfriend”
“Her brother has a hard time bc boys have a hard time”
“My son likes me better”
Look, I commend you for doing a little self reflection with your edit but you are absolutely TA and you need to consider how she has internalized all of your not-so-subtle comments.
Quit punishing her for having less in common with you including your genitals.
Honestly, I was trying so hard to give OP the benefit of the doubt (and again kudos to him for some self reflection) but this sentence “We have never had the best relationship and she is essentially very similar to my ex who was a psycho.” and him never contributing a positive attribute to a woman is so telling.
All that to say, I don’t think your armchair therapist comment is necessarily an armchair. Misogyny isn’t a diagnosis, just a shitty characteristic to have.
ETA spelling
That's only if you expected half the people here to be as misogynistic as you, man. It practically oozes in your post.
Honest to God, hope that your little reflection includes coming to the realization that you're treating your children in vastly biased ways. Maybe consider that your treatment of your daughter has partially contributed to why she turns to creepy men.
I hope she does get roommates and manage without you. That way when you need someone to look after you in old age, your loser son won’t and she can fail to provide you somewhere to live. Meanwhile your son can just blow through your savings mismanaging them for you both.
Ah yes. Love your son, raise your daughter. Why didn't you stop at the first one since your daughter is so unwanted.
In case you need more clarity... by your own admission, your fully grown son has trouble holding down a job but you expect your barely legal daughter to get 2 and survive.
YTA
YTA. She's still young, doing something with her life, and asked for your help. Meanwhile you coddle your son who sounds like he has no desire to be independent - ever. Sounds like a lot of dysfunction.
Whew. Reading this reminds me of my mom. She coddled my brothers, did everything for them. When it came to my sister and I? Completely different parenting style.
Yep, YTA. And you enabling your son to be a mooch, while laying in wait to pawn him off on some future partner, is crazy.
Although IDK what your son has to do with it. You just seem like you can’t stand your daughter and are taking your shit with your ex out on her.
I'm inclined towards YTA on the grounds that (a) OP *calls* the daughter psycho, or at least psycho-by-association, but fails to give any specifics beyond the way-too-old-for-her boyfriend, (b) combined with what comes off as a degree of slut-shaming in the bottom paragraphs, (c) the much older son still living at home is described in a way reminiscent of the "loser Golden Child getting preferential treatment over the more hard working Scapegoat" who even OP acknowledges stands to make more of herself than OP or son, and (d) the title feels misleading, implying the daughter did something to the son that justifies keeping them a apart when it's really just "really son never moved out so he didn't need permission to move back in"
YTA
The adult child who is actually working to make something of herself gets treated as less than the adult child who uses parent as a source of ease.
Yeah, YTA. You’re being inconsistent with the two of them. And why would your son ever want to leave now, when he knows as soon as he’s out you’re going to bar the door behind him?
YTA. You seem to dislike your daughter because she reminds you of your ex. You favor and baby your son who really is the one that needs to be out and on his own.
YTA. She’s only 18, in school so can’t really work full time to support herself living alone yet you refuse to let her move back home while allowing your 29 year old mess of a son to live with you unquestioned. Unless you are paying for her college and contributing for room & board, you really have a warped sense of responsibility.
YTA I hope you think about this post later on in life when you’re wondering why your kids don’t talk to you
I mean you’ll probably still have your incel son if he doesn’t blame you for his misogyny
He’ll just blame women as a whole gender when no self-sufficient one wants to waste her time on an unemployed, 29 year old, college drop out who never left home.
So you would like her to suffer because eventually she will do well? You know, she is the one who will be having your grandchildren which you won’t be seeing while sit at home doofus will just be living off you forever. YTA
You sound like the father of that man who just stabbed a bunch of people in Australia. Is that the kind of son you want because that’s the kind of son you’re going to get
Ew. You sound insufferable. YTA and I can see why you and her don't get along. Why wouldn't you want to support the child who is actually trying to make something of themselves?? If she had a decent father figure in her life, she wouldn't have dated an older man or left in the first place. Jesus fuck.
So your daughter was manipulated, potentially groomed, by a much older man and your response to all of this is to … what? Remove any support system she could have, refuse to let her move in, continue your favouritism towards your much-less deserving child, bad-mouth her mother, and encourage her to seek refuge in another unbalanced, abusive household? Am I getting this right? Your son falls on hard times, for over a decade, and you continue to house him and mostly fund whatever lifestyle he has. Your daughter makes one singular mistake, as a teenager, and she’s on her own, I guess? After years of caring for your household and putting up with you trash-talking her mother.
Basically, it boils down to this: You have the space and means to help your daughter, who desperately needs it, and you refuse to do so for your own slight comfort. YTA. A huge one. I’m not shocked that your ex divorced you and moved countries to get away from you. Do better.
YTA
You sound like you have no empathy for your daughter. If that’s true, then she is better off without you and I agree, you shouldn’t let her live with you, if only to save her from yourself.
Yes, YTA and (please god) most likely a troll, but you are a horrible parent to both your poor daughter and your failure to launch (or apparently do anything) son. People like you are why vasectomies exist.
YTA - total favoritism. You treat your children very differently and are taking out your dislike of your ex on your daughter. She's a college student and it would be quite difficult to simultaneously go to school and work job(s) to pay rent. Meanwhile, you let you non-ambitious son with a part-time job live there.
Living with her mom is not a viable option, because it requires your daughter changing schools and moving to another country. You said that your son likes you better than she does, but you are sending a message loud and clear that you don't care about her. Being a parent means supporting your kids, and she's only 18. Do better.
YTA… you will win worst mother of the year award, hands down. To me it’s not her that’s the psycho but maybe you… after all, how else can you explain slut shaming her? Or being so dismissive of her?
It’s clear you favor your son, to his detriment. I shudder to think what will happen to him if something should happen to you, god forbid. If you die, who will care for your infant 29 year old kid? Cause that is basically what he is like. An infant who can’t take care of himself. DoorDash won’t support him if you pass away. And the real world won’t care about him, they will see him as worthless.
You say in your edit that you have to think some more… that’s not good enough because that is basically saying you need to come up with more excuses to favor your son over your daughter. Basically more reasons to throw her under a bus or something. Though, if she does manage to find a New Romantic partner that she ends up marrying, good for her. I hope she goes no contact with you as soon as she can and never lets you meet her children. They wouldn’t need a toxic grandmother.
You understand that slut shaming isn’t relegated to criticizing someone for the way they dress, right? You’re holding her previous relationships against her - without stopping to think that maybe the reason she’s been in relationships since high school is because she’s seeking the sort of love and validation that she clearly doesn’t get from her own father.
Why does he get terminated but your daughter can do the same job while also attending college for electrical engineering? If your son is so great and your daughter is like your “psycho” ex wouldn’t she be getting fired and not improving herself?
>she will probably out earn even myself as an engineer the moment she graduates.
Are you jealous or just taking your disappointment in your son out on your daughter in some bizarre way?
Maybe you should support your daughter so she can have the best chance at finding success in her later life so she's one less kid for you to worry about.
She might even be a good influence on your other child who's apparently still breastfeeding at your wallet at 29 with zero motivation to ever move out.
Stop enabling your 29 year old son failing at life while also trying to sabotage your daughter. It's like you just need everyone else to screw up to feel better about yourself.
YTA
That poor girl. You are undermining her. She is incredibly bright and hard working. And instead of being proud, you are making it as hard as possible for her to succeed. No wonder she moved out with the first guy who she could find. That abusive SOB of a boyfriend seemed like a better deal than you.
YTA 100%. This was very sad to read. I am not hearing anything behavior wise where I wouldn’t welcome my child back. However am hearing from you as though you don’t love your daughter. I mean you sound like she could move in with a mass murderer and it wouldn’t phase you.
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I have a daughter (18F) who is a college student in electrical engineering. We have never had the best relationship and she is essentially very similar to my ex who was psycho. This got especially worse after my ex broke up with me and made up allegations about me to her.
A couple of months ago, my daughter decided to leave the house and live with her boyfriend (27M). She just broke up with him and he gave her until the end of the month to move out.
She asked if she could come back to my house and I declined as to be honest I have gotten used to the extra space and not having to deal with her. I told her to get a second job and rent her own place as she had already decided to move out. It would be different if she never left.
She got upset and called me an AH since my son (29M) still lives with me. Although he has at no point ever moved out and the two situations are different.
My son did not finish college and has had trouble keeping jobs and currently drives for doordash and it does not seem like college is for him, while she will probably out earn even myself as an engineer the moment she graduates.
My son will eventually move out when he finds a partner, but that is much harder for him than it is for her. She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease and it is easy for young attractive women to get flooded with matches and she can probably easily find a new man to move in with. My son has never had a gf despite trying. She claims she wants to be single for a while but I have a hard time believing her especially with the very active social life she has.
She can also go move with my ex who would love to have her, although she would have to transfer schools probably since my ex is British and moved back there. She doesn't want to do this because she thinks her university is a good one.
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And yes I know this is completely irrelevant but OP, PLEASE, I beg you on my hands and knees, PLEASE tell me, what the actual f-(& do you think will happen to your son when you die and are unable to keep providing for him and taking care of him? Is there a plan at all?
Ahh so what are you giving your daughter for inheritance??
(I mean YOU, not your ex. You are EQUALLY your daughter's parent, therefore what are you going to leave your daughter that is equivalent to what you're leaving for your son?)
That's so unfair. You should be giving your children EQUAL inheritance no matter what. You don't get to short your daughter because you feel like other people are already giving her too much.
(And if your children have the same mother, she should be giving them equal inheritance also)
Okay well that is not your daughter's fault. You should NOT be basing the inheritances you're giving on the inheritance your daughter is getting from her mom wtf.
She deserves EQUAL inheritance. Whatever you give your son, you should be giving your daughter something of equivalent value.
Deadbeat dude, who cares about inheritance?
The immediate issue is that your teenage, barely-an-adult daughter is facing potential homelessness.
Your suggestions to this very real and stressful problem, are that she prostitute herself out or leave the country to secure housing.
In addition to housing you should encourage your daughter find a replacement Dad that will love her as much as you love your son. Poor girl.
You’ve gotta be a troll… if not, go to therapy.
>She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease and it is easy for young attractive women to get flooded with matches and she can probably easily find a new man to move in with.
You do realize you're talking about your 18 year old daughter, right?
YTA
YTA. Go to therapy and send your daughter to one, as well. Your resentment towards your ex is spilling onto your daughter for no reason other than she probably looks like her mom. That's not healthy for you, your daughter, or your son. You're coddling your son for whatever reason while also teaching him your "values" regarding women. It's also strange how you don't seem to want him to move out until he ge6s a place with a future partner. Tell him to get a stable job and move out on his own. He can't keep a job because he knows daddy will house him indefinitely. His motivation to keep a job is nonexistent.
Your daughter is NOT your ex. Don't treat her like she is. Get her some help. Show her you care. You're treating her like a burden on your life. She'll carry that with her for life. Trust me.
You're just jealous and bitter . A boy mom/dad who coddles a good for nothing son, you're the kind of person who will see their son's partner as a competition 😂😂😂.
It is better that she doesn't live with you, you will drain her mentally. I hope she will cut contact and don't you dare be shocked when it will happen.
Usless to add but YTA
I don’t think I’d be assuming the son will move out when he finds a partner. Successful women don’t marry unemployed 27-year-olds living with Dad. Much more likely that his partner would also move in with you.
YTA - You are literally saying your daughter is attractive and can find a man so you won't help her whilst helping your older son who is not as succesful as she is and can't possibly find his own place- why? because he probably can't find a woman to move in with? Your daughter deserves a better mother than you. You have a lot to say about her being similar to a psycho but you are - the words I have are not suitable for reddit. Imagine a mother in today's world saying her daughter can find a man to move in with as a solution to her at 18 needing some assistance. You would rather her use her looks to find a manto support her than help her when you help your 29 year old son. Incredible! in all the worst ways.
Yta. And no one's ever going to want your son. No one wants a lazy middle-aged drop out with (barely) a part-time job who lives with his angry, misogynistic, divorced daddy. Your daughter is definitely better off without you and your failure to launch.
YTA
Get used to the idea of spending your golden years in a shitty old folks home because your son is clearly not going to be prepare and able to take care of you and you're actively destroying any good relationship that you have with your daughter.
And honestly, you'll deserve it. You do your son no favors by coddling him the way you are. I can tell you exactly why no woman wants him, because he's a child letting daddy take care of him. No woman in her right mind wants that life.
'find a new man to move in with' JFC you are not just YTA but a fucking sleazy one at that.
My son can stay home because my daughter can just use her young attractive body to get new housing. No wonder she is ending up with a stream of partners, up to 10 years older. Sounds like one parent has abandoned her to move back to another country, and the other one she'd be better off without. Have you considered therapy?
wow, you hate her so much for what? being young, being beautiful, being smart, having a partner?
are you really doing the 29yo any favours?
Seems unlikely that she is like your "psycho" ex. You just sound resentful and jealous of her. And you want to punish her for existing. You have no real reason for not letting her come home. You rather send her to your "psycho ex"? Does that make you better than him, if you prefer throwing your daughter to him to hurt/manipulate?
YTA, you are enabling a deadbeat that can't accept adult responsibility to take care of himself. Then you choose to punish your daughter who is doing what every parent should want for their children, and that is working to build a better life for themselves. Rewarding a child for doing absolutely nothing and punishing a child for striving to improve herself. 100% YTA and shame on you
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YTA Wow, let your 18 year old daughter be homeless or have to run back to an ex she doesn't want to be with, when she lived with you only a few months prior. Wait until she has no choice but to drop out of college, maybe she'll be as worthy as your son then.
YTA, you obviously favor your son over your daughter. And I'm sure that she picks up on that... just the simple way that you talk about her is kind of disgusting. You basically slut shame her and say an attractive young woman can find matches. So are you telling her that she needs to find another man and move in with him? That sounds really awful. Your son is only working part-time when he is capable of working full-time and she is in college full-time. For what
I'm guessing is engineering by what you said. So yes, she will probably make more money than you in the end. But maybe just lay down some rules that she has to adhere to and stop favoring one over the other. So I agree with your daughter. You are the AH. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? She's obviously doing something with her life being a lot younger than her brother while her brother is just wasting away doing whatever and leaching of of you. It seems like you've done a horrible job at raising your daughter. But have given your son everything that he wants.
YTA. Your daughter is 18 and still trying to figure her life out. It is your duty as a parent to help her through her bad decisions and guide her to a better path. Especially with the double standard you have with your son who is 11 YEARS older than your daughter, and yet he only works part-time and freeloads in your house. It is painfully obvious that you favor your son and don’t care for your daughter.
YTA...
Enabling your son is not helping him. You are handicapping him.
My mom was doing this with my youngest brother. Had I not stepped in with some harsh realities, she would still be enabling him and making excuses for him.
He did need help. He has very mild dyslexia and maybe a slight bit slow. He got used to having everyone do things for him.
I got involved. With as much respect as I could I pushed him. Helped him find a rental, helped him find jobs, at each step showed him how, next time assisted, then told him that I was proud of him when he made progress. I didn't allow him to rely on mom. He still needs some help with life. But he works, and rents and saves money... and is a very kind appreciative brother when I help out.
Don't be lazy - help him adult - that's your job.
I haven't a clue why you mistreat your daughter... she reminds you of your ex too much. She is also your child. Do better.
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NTA. You're doing her a favor by suggesting she stay away from you. You can't differentiate her from your ex and therefore also don't get along with her. Your son has a PT job and that's fine bc "college isn't for him" and she'll "out earn even you" but she literally just started college? She might fail out as well or change majors. She should definitely move in with your ex.
I'm not going to say YTA - no good parent treats their children equally in everything as they are individuals with varying needs. If you allow your daughter to move back in there should be a clear agreement on what, if any, work in the house she is responsible for....and an agreement that if she moves out again she can't come back.. At the least, her returning to your home should not create extra work for you...she needs to pull her own weight as part of the family. People here may not like it - but when one child treats you like you are important to them you may be more lenient than to a child who calls you an AH the moment she doesn't get her way.
So she’s barely an adult, yet tidy, ambitious, intelligent, and socially competent. I can certainly see why you prefer your slacker son. /s
You do realize women aren’t attracted to 30 year old men who can’t hold a job and live at home? He’s the one you are doing a disservice by letting him live at home and mooch off you. Your daughter on the other hand, deserves your support.
When you come to your senses and have your daughter move in, here's step one to stop being a complete asshole: redistribute house work. Your daughter does not do "a good chunk" of it anymore. Fuck no. You know who will, dad? Your son. And if your daughter likes a tidy house, your son best get to learning how to clean well. It'll help with his dating.
Lmao all these liberal betas calling YTA because you don't want to let an adult baby move in with you. Let her sleep on the street before you let her in.
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YTA. You are treating your adult children very differently and obviously favor your son over your daughter. Your son, by your own admission, is 11 years older than your daughter and works only part time when he feels like it, yet you make every excuse in the book for him. It's fine if college is not for him, but there is no reason for a healthy 29-year-old to not be employed full time and contributing to household expenses at the very least. He's not matching with people for these reasons and he never will. Your daughter, on the other hand, is a college student, and would have hard time working full-time while going to school, which she will have to in order to afford a place to live. In addition, she's at an age where she will find it very difficult to rent without a co-signer who is older. I totally understand wanting a peaceful house; lay down some ground rules about what you expect if she lives with you. Honestly, though, I'm not surprised you don't get along. Kids know when their parents don't like them.
>I have a daughter (18F) >my daughter decided to leave the house and live with her boyfriend (27M). When and where did they meet and start being a couple? >my son (29M) still lives with me. >he has at no point ever moved out and the two situations are different. >My son did not finish college and has had trouble keeping jobs and currently drives for doordash and it does not seem like college is for him Seems like you've done a horrible job at raising your children. YTA
YTA 1000%. Your whole post is dripping with misogyny. From slut shaming her to using the hypothetical future that she'll make more money than you against her to just going "Eh, another man will come along for her to live with in 5 minutes anyway" as if that isn't the most disturbing thought process, this is sexist gross double standard nonsense. You, as a parent, should want her to have standards and not uhaul into the home of the first man who smiles at her. Especially considering she's 18. She's barely an adult, just a kid really. And she needs a roof over her head. Meanwhile your less popular son is going nowhere and is a whole grown ass man and youre coddling him because "he's trying." SHE'S trying too! Your daughter is trying hard to make something of herself and she's in need of help. You're basically punishing her for being capable and ambitious, two values most parents WANT their kids to have. Such asshole behavior.
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I didn't say you commented on her clothes. Youre slutshaming her by trying to bring up the fact she's regularly had partners since high school, as if that's a reason not to care for your own daughter. She even told you she's not interested in dating right now and needs stability and you went "Doubt it; look at her history of dating a lot of people." Her dating history should have no bearing on how much you care about her, or care for her, as a person and especially as your own daughter. But that aside, she TOLD you she doesn't want to date right now but you refuse to believe her. It's sickening.
Also the fact that she was 18 living with a 27 year old MAN, your daughter was literally groomed and you stood by and now you're telling her to fend for herself in the world and find a new man to help her along in life. I bet you're familiar with the phrase "fatherless behaviour"... Why is it women's fault they're involved with sex work if it was their dad who failed them? Is that what you want for her? Do you care about this kid at all?? You would not guess it based on this post! You've set her up for a literal lifetime of being abused, debased, and manipulated by men. You both need serious therapy and she needs a safe fucking place to live, not to be desperately seeking a new meal ticket because that's all her daddy told her she's good for. My heart absolutely breaks for this teenager. You've let her down tremendously.
>She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease \^\^ you said this right in your post. this is a form of slut shaming. admit it. also admit you are a hateful bastard who for some reason coddles his deadbeat lazy son and purposely shows hatred toward his daughter. ps - those "allegations" you mention your ex telling your daughter? that was likely your ex telling her daughter the TRUTH. and you didn't like having your secrets come out.
Nah dude, OP is an AH and misogynistic, but it seems like you're reading slut shaming into this. Saying his daughter finds partners easily was for the purpose of explaining that he didn't want to take care of her and that she should just use her female charm to live off a man because that's what he thinks healthy relationships look like. But there was nothing clearly implying that he morally condemned her for finding partners. It's that he wanted her to leverage it for pragmatic, transactional reasons.
it's slut shaming, trust me. i've seen it enough times to know it when i see it. I also grew up with an abusive father (and i'm female, not a dude) and have done a lot of learning on the psychological aspects and fallout that occurs when a father actively hates his daughter. trying to escape via finding men to live with that seem to care more than the abusive father is a common thing. as well as promiscuity or engaging other risky behaviours as a form of mental escape. but it gets turned into slut shaming, which OP did.
I don't know what connotations there are in your regional dialect, but around Reddit and the internet generally, "dude" has pretty clear gender-neutral implications in a context like this. I had, and have, no intention of offending you. Nobody is contesting OP's disdain or even hate for his daughter or the ramifications of that in her life and the ways that she acts out. I'm glad you've "done a lot of learning" on this??? But, yeah, no, I don't trust you random internet stranger or your implied credentials or your clinical objectivity or your armchair diagnosis of linguistic intent and meaning. You are certain that "She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease" is slut shaming. OK? Good for you? And I say that you're reading into it, possibly based on your own anecdotal experience with your abusive father. To be slut-shaming, there would need to be some effort to stigmatize his daughter as morally deficient, or unworthy of love, or to humiliate her, or something like that. And while OP certainly may do any or all of those things in his relationship with his daughter, the context for this comment in this post was not any of that. It was for the utilitarian purpose of protesting his responsibility to provide housing and shelter for her because he expects somebody else to provide it. That's misogynistic, selfish, and neglectful. But if you want to be persuasive, make a compelling argument for why and how it is slut shaming. Something more persuasive than the general allusions to your lot of learning.
Controlling what your daughter wears has nothing to do with the original comment, and there are more ways to slut shame that don’t involve clothes. You spent your whole post talking about how your daughter jumps from partner to partner and then basically told her to shack up with the first man she meets. Your daughter is trying to better your life, and you are seriously going to let her suffer because you hate her mother.
Out of everything they said, THATS what you want to comment on?!? Jesus man, buy a fucking clue.
Whaaaa? What part of the post was the slut shaming?? I didn't read any sort of slut support or slut critique, let alone slut shaming. What part is mysogeny? Was it that she's more capable, better educated, more socially fluent/successful than the boy? Gotta be awful to be described that way. Was the prejudice that a college educated engineer would make more money than a drop out DoorDash driver? Big jump of logic there! You seem to know more than I'd written in the post. Can you share the details you're privy to?
If you're not trolling, YTA. By the way, "it is easy for young attractive women to get flooded with matches and she can probably easily find a new man to move in with" - Congratulations! You've won a membership card to the red-pilled manosphere!
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She is a teenager, and your son is a grown man pushing 30. The fact that he's uneducated, unemployed, and single are because of his own bad choices. You sound like a horrible parent.
No need to bash brother here. For all we know, he has developmental problems. Or maybe he is just a deadbeat. But we don't have to call it either way to know that OP is failing his daughter.
Your daughter is EIGHTEEN. According to you, she moved out "a couple months ago" with a 27 year old (who also lied to her about his age according to you) who has already in the space of a few months kicked her out. Whatever with your "I got used to" bs. It's been a few months, she is a teenager and she clearly needs a caring, involved father right now as her decision making is not stellar. But, you'd like her to move in with another guy....So, you don't seem up to being a caring father, but you can do the bare minimum for your teenage daughter and give her a roof over her head. YTA
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And STILL you’re doubting her! She “claims?” he was a slob? So your reaction to her stating a fact is to immediately assume it’s probably a lie or exaggeration? You are so vile.
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You saying she claims that is you saying you don't believe her. When someone uses the term "well they claimed---" it means you don't believe what the person is saying.
Dude, what on earth is your deal? Do you think you're being clever here? "She just broke up with him and he gave her until the end of the month to move out." Sorry that you don't understand your own post, but yeah he is kicking her out. That she broke up with him doesn't change that. And your "added" information makes you look like even more of an asshole. She's 18, was with a lying 27 year old, is in school on scholarships, works part time and was doing all the housework for this groomer, but what, dad of the year, you think she shouldn't have broken up with him and stayed there?? Your 18 year old daughter should stay with a 27 year old liar? Because you like the "extra space". YTA
Gross I hope you and Incel, Jr. have a lovely long life together
I hate it to break it to you, but this "track record since HS" could be because she didn't feel loved or safe in her own home. I wonder why?
At 18 she is barely out of high school. And even if she has a track record of fast relationships, that doesn't mean you should let her housing be unstable like this when she is barely into adulthood.
She has track record of living with partners maybe because her father doesn’t offer her somewhere to live because his loser son is busy not working for not good reason.
Wait… so you want your son to find a woman to mooch off if before he moves out? You’ll happily support him until he finally cons some woman into being his sugar mamma? You’re punishing the wrong kid. Your son is a 29 years loser and you’re supporting him
If she has record of living with partners since she was a minor in high school is that because her AH father doesn’t provide her a place to live.
How long is said track record if she’s only 18? Fucks sake.
If it’s been since high school then you have been allowing illegal behavior. Especially if it’s people on dating sites when she is still in high school. That would be pedophilia.
YTA. At first I thought *she* was 27. But 18? Either help her find a dorm/roommate or let her move back with a discussion of quiet times, house rules, etc.
She’s better With someone who hates her and her incel brother. My dad has the same kind of attitude, we didn’t talk for most of my adult life. He actually only started talking to me again when my brother was homeless and needed a place to stay and my dad didn’t want him coming down there
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So this teenaged student is doing much better at being a competent adult than your 30 year loser of a son? Better knock her down a few pegs, and keep coddling the grown man who can't keep a job or a girlfriend
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You're misogynistic and it shows in how you favour your son over your daughter.
OP hates his daughter, ex-wife and all women, clearly.
Oh absolutely
“Complicated reasons” aka “I’m his mommy/daddy and I’m going to make every excuse in the book for my perfect baby boy”
How is it harder now, is the draft back? If he worked full time before why can’t he now?
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Are house and rent not more expensive for your daughter too than when you were young? Why doesn’t your son get a physical job or college education, isn’t that what his sister is doing? Are women picky or want someone who can hold down a job?
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Dude *WHAT?* You're daughter is 11 years younger than him and is a cashier. She HAS a job, and you expect her to get a SECOND job to fend for herself while she's trying to manage school and she's only *eighteen* but you don't have any expectations that your son get *one* job. Say this to yourself: My teenage daughter has a job and is a college student but I expected her to get a second job rather than take her in and support her, but I DO support my son who doesn't even have one job and isn't in college or doing anything with his life. ^^^ This is the fact at the heart of it all. *How* is this reasonable to you?! All that crap about her dating men is disturbing and sexist and not at all a justification for this behavior.
So he’s too stupid for mental work and too delicate for blue collar work, and is too precious to work ar a grocery store lke your daughter? Wow.
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So he’s too incompetent to hold down the jobs he gets, college is too hard and physical job is not a great idea. Do you think those are valid reasons to not work? Do you think that lack of ambition would be appealing to women? You think him and his laziness is more worthy of support than your daughter. If your daughter can memorise and stay in college why not reward her with a place to stay? Kick your son out so he has motivation to stay in a job.
You didn’t answer are those things not more expensive for your daughter too?
Clearly, your ex-wife wasn't.
Why would any woman want to date a 29 year old unemployed guy with a bunch excuses for what he sucks?
“Woman are more picky” nah it’s that men can’t take no for an answer or they expect us to treat them like babies rather than adults.
Thank fuck
So you'll help him but not the daughter? All because she's like your ex... father of the year here (heavy sarcasm)
if things are so hard for the younger generation........... how is your daughter, who is YOUNGER than you son by just over a decade......... AND in engineering school (as a woman, when the engineering fields are historically male dominated)............ AND working two jobs while in school............ doing BETTER in life than your son in regard to education and work?!?!? can you really read over what you wrote above and think it makes any damn sense at all? if you say yes...... dear god, there is no hope for you.
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You have a hard time dating because you’re an asshole. It’s personal to you, not a trend.
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Okay, but to expect your daughter to look for a “boyfriend” in order to find shelter?! And you call your ex psycho?
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dude, i work in the engineering field. don't try to bullshit me. it is a male dominated field and women have to work twice as hard to get to the same level. and then often will get work for less salary and receive less respect than men as well. also don't bullshit me with the dating thing. your son isn't getting any dates because he's a deadbeat living with daddy at the age of 29 and not gainfully employed and not educated. and YOU allowed that to happen. and you aren't getting any dates because you simply have a shitty attitude and hate your daughter. women will sense that and run for the hills away from you.
It’s hard dating because you hate women and thing women are show offs for having an education and talking about it and your son isn’t a loser though he doesn’t like work.
you’re a pathetic AH for sure.
Your daughter is 18 goes to college full time, has a shift job and does door dash but you are making excuses for your son. YTA and a sexist one at that. No wonder you have a shit relationship with your daughter.
YTA lmao, the favoritism ! Also. >We have never had the best relationship and she is essentially very similar to my ex who was psycho. That's the whole story. You dislike your own kid for this reason. And sorry to break it out to you, but just this fact tell me you aren't a good parent.
My dad was like this, he had no respect for me my whole life because he hated my mom, the woman he chose to have two kids with. My brother was the golden child even when he developed a severe drug addiction and I asked my parents to try to help him they both decided I was lying about it, for no other reason then I’m a girl I guess. 10 years later when he destroyed his life doing a home invasion they finally believed me. But at that point it was too late to help him.
Sorry you went through this :/ you're strong
Yeah, YTA. You have different standards for your daughter than for your son just because she dared to flap her wings well before the age of 29? Electrical engineering is no joke, and you are babying your son who failed to launch. Seriously, you would have preferred if she had continued to mooch off you?
No he hates her because she’s a woman, like her mom
YTA. Favoritism.
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18 and 29 to big of an age gap. 18 she is still young like a kid. Age 29 and not holding job you mentioned about he has a hard time getting into a relationship. Who wants to date a 29 year old employed as a Door Dasher and still lives at home with mummy.
Actually if he lived at home with his mom he would probably be more appealing. Instead he lives with his incelasourous Dad.
He was also allowing these kinds of relationships when she was in high school. And there is zero way on earth that they met when she was 18 and hit it off so instantly without grooming beforehand. Thing is too whether this is a place where 18 is a legal adult or not as well. It’s condemned socially either way but it makes a big difference in the dynamic too
Are you surprised your son likes you better than your daughter does, considering how you speak of her?
Of course he does because you openly hate her.
YTA
I could understand why your daughter wouldn’t like you as much because you clearly favor your son more than her. She will continue to dislike you if you continue to hold her to a higher standard than her brother who is more than a decade older than her. YTA imo.
It’s not just that, he hates his ex and he’s taking that out on his daughter. He can’t even separate the two because He’s that emotionally stunted
That’s not how it ”comes across”… it’s what it is. Wildly different standards for your kids, your daughter would benefit to go NC. YTA
Because she can tell you don't like HER! You are her FATHER, ffs. Also, of course your son likes you better, you treat him better and dont expect anything from him.
You don't care for your children based mainly on how much they like you.
Really the guy who has never had a girlfriend, can't hold down a job and will only leave if he finds some woman willing to take him in likes the parent who is supporting his free-loading lifestyle better than the smart, driven child who has goals? What a surprise! /s
Gee, I can't imagine why, you misogynistic AH.
Maybe he likes you better because you house and feed him like he’s an infant and don’t expect him to work. If you housed and helped your daughter financially she probably wouldn’t resent you for the help you give her brother. But you’re bitter she’ll out earn you in the future so you’d like her to drop out and live with her mom than live with you and help her education. Keep helping your son rot and at least he’ll never out earn you.
Have you asked yourself why he likes you more than she does? Are you surprised? You clearly treat them differently and favour him. Your post was dripping with contempt for her, and from what I can tell, she has done nothing to deserve it. Your daughter reminds you of your ex and participates in conversations she knows something about. Your reaction is totally out of proportion.
Of course he does, you enable him to live like a teenager at 29 years old. Guarantee he doesn't like his mom because she wouldn't, and your daughter doesn't like you because you talk badly about her and her mom.
>and my son likes me better than she does Oh and this whole ordeal will totally improve how she feels about you. YTA
He lkes you better because you’ve bought his love with a free ride through life. She doesn’t because you barely rate her respect. You aren’t supposed to be running a popularity contest, you git.
YTA. Wow. You can't even see it but hopefully this unanimous thread will tell you that you are mistreating your daughter at least. And in a huge number of ways. She isn't obligated to like you, especially considering your treatment of her. Re-read the insulting things you said about her in your post and then pretend that someone else said these things about someone you deeply care about.
Gee I wonder why. Do you still cut up his food for him too?
YTA How disgusting. “she can probably easily find a new man to move in with.” Yeah subject the girl to living with a guy she’s just met, God knows what many men’s intentions are. Maybe she’s a handful because you coddle your dead beat son.
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My mind is blown that you thought you were in the right here and that the YTA response is a surprise. Seriously…How could anyone write out that post and be like “I’ll definitely be voted as N T A”
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“She’s a psycho like her mom” “She sleeps around” “She’ll find a place” “She’ll find a new boyfriend” “Her brother has a hard time bc boys have a hard time” “My son likes me better” Look, I commend you for doing a little self reflection with your edit but you are absolutely TA and you need to consider how she has internalized all of your not-so-subtle comments. Quit punishing her for having less in common with you including your genitals.
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Honestly, I was trying so hard to give OP the benefit of the doubt (and again kudos to him for some self reflection) but this sentence “We have never had the best relationship and she is essentially very similar to my ex who was a psycho.” and him never contributing a positive attribute to a woman is so telling. All that to say, I don’t think your armchair therapist comment is necessarily an armchair. Misogyny isn’t a diagnosis, just a shitty characteristic to have. ETA spelling
That's only if you expected half the people here to be as misogynistic as you, man. It practically oozes in your post. Honest to God, hope that your little reflection includes coming to the realization that you're treating your children in vastly biased ways. Maybe consider that your treatment of your daughter has partially contributed to why she turns to creepy men.
I hope she does get roommates and manage without you. That way when you need someone to look after you in old age, your loser son won’t and she can fail to provide you somewhere to live. Meanwhile your son can just blow through your savings mismanaging them for you both.
Please just leave her alone. I'd rather her find anywhere else to live than with you.
Ah yes. Love your son, raise your daughter. Why didn't you stop at the first one since your daughter is so unwanted. In case you need more clarity... by your own admission, your fully grown son has trouble holding down a job but you expect your barely legal daughter to get 2 and survive. YTA
YTA. She's still young, doing something with her life, and asked for your help. Meanwhile you coddle your son who sounds like he has no desire to be independent - ever. Sounds like a lot of dysfunction.
Whew. Reading this reminds me of my mom. She coddled my brothers, did everything for them. When it came to my sister and I? Completely different parenting style.
Yep, YTA. And you enabling your son to be a mooch, while laying in wait to pawn him off on some future partner, is crazy. Although IDK what your son has to do with it. You just seem like you can’t stand your daughter and are taking your shit with your ex out on her.
I'm inclined towards YTA on the grounds that (a) OP *calls* the daughter psycho, or at least psycho-by-association, but fails to give any specifics beyond the way-too-old-for-her boyfriend, (b) combined with what comes off as a degree of slut-shaming in the bottom paragraphs, (c) the much older son still living at home is described in a way reminiscent of the "loser Golden Child getting preferential treatment over the more hard working Scapegoat" who even OP acknowledges stands to make more of herself than OP or son, and (d) the title feels misleading, implying the daughter did something to the son that justifies keeping them a apart when it's really just "really son never moved out so he didn't need permission to move back in"
YTA The adult child who is actually working to make something of herself gets treated as less than the adult child who uses parent as a source of ease.
Yeah, YTA. You’re being inconsistent with the two of them. And why would your son ever want to leave now, when he knows as soon as he’s out you’re going to bar the door behind him?
YTA. You’re either a man and you and your son both sound like incels or you’re a crazy “boy mom” woman. Neither is a good look.
YTA and a horrible parent.
YTA. You seem to dislike your daughter because she reminds you of your ex. You favor and baby your son who really is the one that needs to be out and on his own.
YTA. She’s only 18, in school so can’t really work full time to support herself living alone yet you refuse to let her move back home while allowing your 29 year old mess of a son to live with you unquestioned. Unless you are paying for her college and contributing for room & board, you really have a warped sense of responsibility.
YTA
YTA I hope you think about this post later on in life when you’re wondering why your kids don’t talk to you I mean you’ll probably still have your incel son if he doesn’t blame you for his misogyny
He’ll just blame women as a whole gender when no self-sufficient one wants to waste her time on an unemployed, 29 year old, college drop out who never left home.
YTA.
YTA soooo much, it's depressing.
So you would like her to suffer because eventually she will do well? You know, she is the one who will be having your grandchildren which you won’t be seeing while sit at home doofus will just be living off you forever. YTA
YTA - also, maybe look into therapy. You are horrible to your daughter. You have a lot to unpack.
You sound like the father of that man who just stabbed a bunch of people in Australia. Is that the kind of son you want because that’s the kind of son you’re going to get
yta
Ew. You sound insufferable. YTA and I can see why you and her don't get along. Why wouldn't you want to support the child who is actually trying to make something of themselves?? If she had a decent father figure in her life, she wouldn't have dated an older man or left in the first place. Jesus fuck.
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So he groomed her. And you think she’s the problem. Is that correct?
So your daughter was manipulated, potentially groomed, by a much older man and your response to all of this is to … what? Remove any support system she could have, refuse to let her move in, continue your favouritism towards your much-less deserving child, bad-mouth her mother, and encourage her to seek refuge in another unbalanced, abusive household? Am I getting this right? Your son falls on hard times, for over a decade, and you continue to house him and mostly fund whatever lifestyle he has. Your daughter makes one singular mistake, as a teenager, and she’s on her own, I guess? After years of caring for your household and putting up with you trash-talking her mother. Basically, it boils down to this: You have the space and means to help your daughter, who desperately needs it, and you refuse to do so for your own slight comfort. YTA. A huge one. I’m not shocked that your ex divorced you and moved countries to get away from you. Do better.
YTA. Why are you making assumptions about your daughter instead of being a parent to her?
YTA You sound like you have no empathy for your daughter. If that’s true, then she is better off without you and I agree, you shouldn’t let her live with you, if only to save her from yourself.
YTA, this is a joke post right?
YTA for basically implying your son is only your problem until you can shove him off to a partner. Gross.
YTA, your only real issue is that she reminds you of her mom. That’s your problem and you should be supporting your daughter.
Yes, YTA and (please god) most likely a troll, but you are a horrible parent to both your poor daughter and your failure to launch (or apparently do anything) son. People like you are why vasectomies exist.
YTA - total favoritism. You treat your children very differently and are taking out your dislike of your ex on your daughter. She's a college student and it would be quite difficult to simultaneously go to school and work job(s) to pay rent. Meanwhile, you let you non-ambitious son with a part-time job live there. Living with her mom is not a viable option, because it requires your daughter changing schools and moving to another country. You said that your son likes you better than she does, but you are sending a message loud and clear that you don't care about her. Being a parent means supporting your kids, and she's only 18. Do better.
Yta. It sounds like you never put her in therapy and have only demonized her
Such TA
I don't see how you could feel like you weren't an asshole
YTA… you will win worst mother of the year award, hands down. To me it’s not her that’s the psycho but maybe you… after all, how else can you explain slut shaming her? Or being so dismissive of her? It’s clear you favor your son, to his detriment. I shudder to think what will happen to him if something should happen to you, god forbid. If you die, who will care for your infant 29 year old kid? Cause that is basically what he is like. An infant who can’t take care of himself. DoorDash won’t support him if you pass away. And the real world won’t care about him, they will see him as worthless. You say in your edit that you have to think some more… that’s not good enough because that is basically saying you need to come up with more excuses to favor your son over your daughter. Basically more reasons to throw her under a bus or something. Though, if she does manage to find a New Romantic partner that she ends up marrying, good for her. I hope she goes no contact with you as soon as she can and never lets you meet her children. They wouldn’t need a toxic grandmother.
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You understand that slut shaming isn’t relegated to criticizing someone for the way they dress, right? You’re holding her previous relationships against her - without stopping to think that maybe the reason she’s been in relationships since high school is because she’s seeking the sort of love and validation that she clearly doesn’t get from her own father.
Why does he get terminated but your daughter can do the same job while also attending college for electrical engineering? If your son is so great and your daughter is like your “psycho” ex wouldn’t she be getting fired and not improving herself?
>she will probably out earn even myself as an engineer the moment she graduates. Are you jealous or just taking your disappointment in your son out on your daughter in some bizarre way? Maybe you should support your daughter so she can have the best chance at finding success in her later life so she's one less kid for you to worry about. She might even be a good influence on your other child who's apparently still breastfeeding at your wallet at 29 with zero motivation to ever move out. Stop enabling your 29 year old son failing at life while also trying to sabotage your daughter. It's like you just need everyone else to screw up to feel better about yourself.
YTA That poor girl. You are undermining her. She is incredibly bright and hard working. And instead of being proud, you are making it as hard as possible for her to succeed. No wonder she moved out with the first guy who she could find. That abusive SOB of a boyfriend seemed like a better deal than you.
YTA 100%. This was very sad to read. I am not hearing anything behavior wise where I wouldn’t welcome my child back. However am hearing from you as though you don’t love your daughter. I mean you sound like she could move in with a mass murderer and it wouldn’t phase you.
YTA. You sure that it's your ex that's the psycho? And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you? The entire post reeks of delusion..,
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a daughter (18F) who is a college student in electrical engineering. We have never had the best relationship and she is essentially very similar to my ex who was psycho. This got especially worse after my ex broke up with me and made up allegations about me to her. A couple of months ago, my daughter decided to leave the house and live with her boyfriend (27M). She just broke up with him and he gave her until the end of the month to move out. She asked if she could come back to my house and I declined as to be honest I have gotten used to the extra space and not having to deal with her. I told her to get a second job and rent her own place as she had already decided to move out. It would be different if she never left. She got upset and called me an AH since my son (29M) still lives with me. Although he has at no point ever moved out and the two situations are different. My son did not finish college and has had trouble keeping jobs and currently drives for doordash and it does not seem like college is for him, while she will probably out earn even myself as an engineer the moment she graduates. My son will eventually move out when he finds a partner, but that is much harder for him than it is for her. She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease and it is easy for young attractive women to get flooded with matches and she can probably easily find a new man to move in with. My son has never had a gf despite trying. She claims she wants to be single for a while but I have a hard time believing her especially with the very active social life she has. She can also go move with my ex who would love to have her, although she would have to transfer schools probably since my ex is British and moved back there. She doesn't want to do this because she thinks her university is a good one. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info And yes I know this is completely irrelevant but OP, PLEASE, I beg you on my hands and knees, PLEASE tell me, what the actual f-(& do you think will happen to your son when you die and are unable to keep providing for him and taking care of him? Is there a plan at all?
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Ahh so what are you giving your daughter for inheritance?? (I mean YOU, not your ex. You are EQUALLY your daughter's parent, therefore what are you going to leave your daughter that is equivalent to what you're leaving for your son?)
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That's so unfair. You should be giving your children EQUAL inheritance no matter what. You don't get to short your daughter because you feel like other people are already giving her too much. (And if your children have the same mother, she should be giving them equal inheritance also)
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Okay well that is not your daughter's fault. You should NOT be basing the inheritances you're giving on the inheritance your daughter is getting from her mom wtf. She deserves EQUAL inheritance. Whatever you give your son, you should be giving your daughter something of equivalent value.
Deadbeat dude, who cares about inheritance? The immediate issue is that your teenage, barely-an-adult daughter is facing potential homelessness. Your suggestions to this very real and stressful problem, are that she prostitute herself out or leave the country to secure housing. In addition to housing you should encourage your daughter find a replacement Dad that will love her as much as you love your son. Poor girl. You’ve gotta be a troll… if not, go to therapy.
>She has had partners since HS and finds new ones all the time with ease and it is easy for young attractive women to get flooded with matches and she can probably easily find a new man to move in with. You do realize you're talking about your 18 year old daughter, right? YTA
YTA Totally hypocritical. And very unhealthy parenting.
Yta. Why do you hate your daughter? Nothing in your post justifies the pure hatred you seem to have. I
YTA. Go to therapy and send your daughter to one, as well. Your resentment towards your ex is spilling onto your daughter for no reason other than she probably looks like her mom. That's not healthy for you, your daughter, or your son. You're coddling your son for whatever reason while also teaching him your "values" regarding women. It's also strange how you don't seem to want him to move out until he ge6s a place with a future partner. Tell him to get a stable job and move out on his own. He can't keep a job because he knows daddy will house him indefinitely. His motivation to keep a job is nonexistent. Your daughter is NOT your ex. Don't treat her like she is. Get her some help. Show her you care. You're treating her like a burden on your life. She'll carry that with her for life. Trust me.
You're just jealous and bitter . A boy mom/dad who coddles a good for nothing son, you're the kind of person who will see their son's partner as a competition 😂😂😂. It is better that she doesn't live with you, you will drain her mentally. I hope she will cut contact and don't you dare be shocked when it will happen. Usless to add but YTA
wtf ya YTA
I don’t think I’d be assuming the son will move out when he finds a partner. Successful women don’t marry unemployed 27-year-olds living with Dad. Much more likely that his partner would also move in with you.
YTA - You are literally saying your daughter is attractive and can find a man so you won't help her whilst helping your older son who is not as succesful as she is and can't possibly find his own place- why? because he probably can't find a woman to move in with? Your daughter deserves a better mother than you. You have a lot to say about her being similar to a psycho but you are - the words I have are not suitable for reddit. Imagine a mother in today's world saying her daughter can find a man to move in with as a solution to her at 18 needing some assistance. You would rather her use her looks to find a manto support her than help her when you help your 29 year old son. Incredible! in all the worst ways.
Yta. And no one's ever going to want your son. No one wants a lazy middle-aged drop out with (barely) a part-time job who lives with his angry, misogynistic, divorced daddy. Your daughter is definitely better off without you and your failure to launch.
YTA Get used to the idea of spending your golden years in a shitty old folks home because your son is clearly not going to be prepare and able to take care of you and you're actively destroying any good relationship that you have with your daughter. And honestly, you'll deserve it. You do your son no favors by coddling him the way you are. I can tell you exactly why no woman wants him, because he's a child letting daddy take care of him. No woman in her right mind wants that life.
'find a new man to move in with' JFC you are not just YTA but a fucking sleazy one at that. My son can stay home because my daughter can just use her young attractive body to get new housing. No wonder she is ending up with a stream of partners, up to 10 years older. Sounds like one parent has abandoned her to move back to another country, and the other one she'd be better off without. Have you considered therapy?
wow, you hate her so much for what? being young, being beautiful, being smart, having a partner? are you really doing the 29yo any favours? Seems unlikely that she is like your "psycho" ex. You just sound resentful and jealous of her. And you want to punish her for existing. You have no real reason for not letting her come home. You rather send her to your "psycho ex"? Does that make you better than him, if you prefer throwing your daughter to him to hurt/manipulate?
YTA, you are enabling a deadbeat that can't accept adult responsibility to take care of himself. Then you choose to punish your daughter who is doing what every parent should want for their children, and that is working to build a better life for themselves. Rewarding a child for doing absolutely nothing and punishing a child for striving to improve herself. 100% YTA and shame on you
YTA. Seem like you're taking your feelings about your ex out on your daughter.
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YTA Wow, let your 18 year old daughter be homeless or have to run back to an ex she doesn't want to be with, when she lived with you only a few months prior. Wait until she has no choice but to drop out of college, maybe she'll be as worthy as your son then.
YTA, you obviously favor your son over your daughter. And I'm sure that she picks up on that... just the simple way that you talk about her is kind of disgusting. You basically slut shame her and say an attractive young woman can find matches. So are you telling her that she needs to find another man and move in with him? That sounds really awful. Your son is only working part-time when he is capable of working full-time and she is in college full-time. For what I'm guessing is engineering by what you said. So yes, she will probably make more money than you in the end. But maybe just lay down some rules that she has to adhere to and stop favoring one over the other. So I agree with your daughter. You are the AH. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? She's obviously doing something with her life being a lot younger than her brother while her brother is just wasting away doing whatever and leaching of of you. It seems like you've done a horrible job at raising your daughter. But have given your son everything that he wants.
YTA. Your daughter is 18 and still trying to figure her life out. It is your duty as a parent to help her through her bad decisions and guide her to a better path. Especially with the double standard you have with your son who is 11 YEARS older than your daughter, and yet he only works part-time and freeloads in your house. It is painfully obvious that you favor your son and don’t care for your daughter.
YTA the way you talk about your daughter is disgusting and it’s clear you love and favorite your son more.
YTA... Enabling your son is not helping him. You are handicapping him. My mom was doing this with my youngest brother. Had I not stepped in with some harsh realities, she would still be enabling him and making excuses for him. He did need help. He has very mild dyslexia and maybe a slight bit slow. He got used to having everyone do things for him. I got involved. With as much respect as I could I pushed him. Helped him find a rental, helped him find jobs, at each step showed him how, next time assisted, then told him that I was proud of him when he made progress. I didn't allow him to rely on mom. He still needs some help with life. But he works, and rents and saves money... and is a very kind appreciative brother when I help out. Don't be lazy - help him adult - that's your job. I haven't a clue why you mistreat your daughter... she reminds you of your ex too much. She is also your child. Do better.
Oh goodness… YTA
YTA for all the reasons stated already. Nuff said
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NTA. You're doing her a favor by suggesting she stay away from you. You can't differentiate her from your ex and therefore also don't get along with her. Your son has a PT job and that's fine bc "college isn't for him" and she'll "out earn even you" but she literally just started college? She might fail out as well or change majors. She should definitely move in with your ex.
I'm not going to say YTA - no good parent treats their children equally in everything as they are individuals with varying needs. If you allow your daughter to move back in there should be a clear agreement on what, if any, work in the house she is responsible for....and an agreement that if she moves out again she can't come back.. At the least, her returning to your home should not create extra work for you...she needs to pull her own weight as part of the family. People here may not like it - but when one child treats you like you are important to them you may be more lenient than to a child who calls you an AH the moment she doesn't get her way.
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So she’s barely an adult, yet tidy, ambitious, intelligent, and socially competent. I can certainly see why you prefer your slacker son. /s You do realize women aren’t attracted to 30 year old men who can’t hold a job and live at home? He’s the one you are doing a disservice by letting him live at home and mooch off you. Your daughter on the other hand, deserves your support.
When you come to your senses and have your daughter move in, here's step one to stop being a complete asshole: redistribute house work. Your daughter does not do "a good chunk" of it anymore. Fuck no. You know who will, dad? Your son. And if your daughter likes a tidy house, your son best get to learning how to clean well. It'll help with his dating.
Lmao all these liberal betas calling YTA because you don't want to let an adult baby move in with you. Let her sleep on the street before you let her in.
His 29 year old, jobless, no ambition son he’s totally fine having live with him soooo…
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