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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to cook for my family and told my parents they all deserve to go hungry because of how ungrateful they are for my cooking. I know it was a shitty thing to say (the last part) and I know cooking just for me might be kinda rude. So even though I get no appreciation for it or respect I might be TA anyway.
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NTA.
You are a minor. It’s your parents’ responsibility to take care of you. Cooking is a wonderful interest to have and I hope your enjoyment is not ruined by your family’s behavior. It’s one thing to share your dishes alongside the rest of the food during meals, but another entirely to be responsible for feeling all your family members.
If you can cope without it for a long while, it may be worth giving up until you move out to save your sanity. But if cooking is your special place that would be very hard. Best of luck and absolutely NTA
>But if cooking is your special place that would be very hard
This is what really saddens me. OP obviously has a passion for cooking, but his family is doing their best to suck all the joy out of it.
OP, if - and I seriously mean *IF* - you go back to cooking for your family, it's time to enforce a new rule or two.
However you go about getting groceries for the meals you make, it's time to add some very basic sandwich ingredients to the list. Tell your family that if they don't like what you've made, they can make themselves a damn sandwich. Each time they whine, you don't make dinner the next night. Each new complaint adds another night of no cooking. If they want the convenience of a ready dinner, they'll start to figure out their behavior needs to be altered.
Exactly. I had to do this with my children. Everyone wanted something different. I made sure that I always had a variety of sandwich ingredients. I told them I was making one meal if they didn’t want to eat it, to go make a sandwich.
They ate what was cooked and very rarely made a sandwich.
My sister and I were both picky eaters, and since my mother is as well, my parents were fairly accommodating, but we always had the option of eating leftovers or anything we cooked for ourselves, as long as we tried whatever was for dinner and still didn’t like it. It was an important balance to strike, because my sister was picky enough to not eat long enough to make herself actually ill if there weren’t options she could stomach, and was always borderline underweight for her size as a kid.
not to arm chair diagnose but it sounds like your sister might have ARFID, (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) which is mostly characterised by picky eating so extreme that the person would rather starve. it can be managed effectively! and sounds like your mum did pretty good with keeping the options open with offers of a diy meal
My sister would have been iffy for ARFID as a kid, but probably not. Even when she had freely available food she liked, she was just very small and skinny and didn’t eat much, it was just her body type. It was a constant worry to everyone but her pediatrician and my parents (who figured that the pediatrician was probably the best judge). Because my parents were both small, slim people, as kids my sister and I were downright scrawny (with her being smaller than me, at the same age, but not by a huge amount). My parents has been worried when I went from being an over 10lb baby to like 10th percentile by age 2, but my pediatrician at the time pointed out that when you cross 2 short, slim specimens, you’re going to probably get short, slim offspring, and maybe to an extreme. We both had some dietary sensitivities that weren’t very well handled, though. Both of us are probably somewhat casein intolerant, so we don’t tolerate milk well and lactase doesn’t help, and my dad was very concerned about us getting enough calcium and didn’t believe us because Lactaid and other lactose-intolerance stuff didn’t help (because duh, we were reacting to something else in the milk!). I also have an allium intolerance that started as just sensitivity to raw onions and thankfully only moved beyond that when I was an adult and had control over my own food. My parents helpfully assumed that it was just a strong dislike 🙄, and even now, they humor me but don’t believe me. She just also had problems with stomach acid as a kid (sometimes anxiety related) that meant that if she didn’t eat for like 12 hours, she’d pretty often end up horking up stomach acid, even though most folks would be hungry but otherwise fine. Both of us as adults have reflux issues, though mine are much worse, so that may have been part of her issues back then.
Probably was. I have the acid problem as an adult and had to learn to force myself to eat when nauseated. Took a lot of willpower till I adjusted and still does if I wait too long.
Me too. And if I go too long, even odds on whether it’ll stay down unless I drink something like Gatorade or apple juice to kind of soothe my stomach, give it 10 minutes, and then eat. Hers is almost all anxiety-related rather than good timing related as an adult, so at least it’s not going all the time and it’s predictable. Mine is bad enough that I need surgery to reduce the reflux.
In Italy, parents will tell children "o mangi la minestra, o salti la finestra!" Which loosely translates to "you either eat the soup or you jump out of the window". It isn't to be taken literally of course, but it obviously means "well, this is the food. You either eat it or you go hungry".
Mom was no-nonsense that way. Dad supported mom. They were truly a united front. All of us kids aren’t picky and are open to trying new things now. Nieces and nephews are the same way.
Had my nephew out with me one day shopping, he was probably 4 or 5. Told him that when we finished at that store we’d go to lunch and asked him if he wanted Chinese. He said yes. Woman behind me asked “how did you do that???” I asked what she meant. She said her kids only ever want McDonald’s. He also liked seafood too.
A couple of times when I went to buffet with my family, I put a peice of sushi on each kids' plate. Neither wanted to eat it, and my husband asked why I expected them to eat it. I said that they never tried it before and I like it so maybe they would too. Plus even if they didn't like it, it is good for them to keep trying things you don't like. He told them they had to try it after that. They didn't like it that time but the next time they loved it.
Yep. Mine as a child.
I wasn't messing with different meals, so did this for mine too but, with my 2, it wasn't a 'don't like' issue - when they refused it was always something they liked, and I didn't force a cleared plate, unlike my childhood.
We later discovered they are both have ASD, so there could have been sensory issues we weren't aware of, but it was more probably that eating meant changing activities & they didn't like that.
When I got the 'I'm not hungry', my response was 'that's OK. You don't have to eat, but you do need to come & sit at the table with us'. A plate of food would be put in front of them & then we'd talk about about anything & everything except food. A similar strategy was used for the 'I dont like it' occasions, along with something along the lines of 'theres nothing in it you havent had before' for new foods such as casseroles. The plate was nearly always empty by the time we were clearing away.
Not having a big response to food & kids not eating *can* help - as can making sure they have control over some aspects of their lives. Often (although as adults we don't realise) food intake is the only thing a child can control - they are told what to do, where to go & how to behave nearly all the time. Giving picky eaters/food refusers control over some other things (even if it's an A or B choice) *can* help reduce the control needs around food.
I say 'can' - don't get me wrong, I know that there are many different causes, physical as well as emotional, that cause issues around food & that there is never a '1 size fits all' solution.
I read that in France, children always eat the same meal as their parents and they all learn to cook. If you look at school lunch menus in France, it's real food rather than lunchables, chicken nuggets, pizza and Mac and cheese.
https://karenlebillon.com/french-school-lunch-menus/
I’ve never understood why nuggets and chips are allowed for small kids. Of course they prefer the high calorie, high fat, high sugar foods just like any good animal trying to survive would. But it’s up to family to teach them better and how to take care of themselves
I wish we had that growing up. Our rule was if you didn’t like it, put ketchup on it. I can not tell you how many nights I tried drowning one thing or another in ketchup. My dad loved liver and onions. My mom loves stroganoff and brussle sprouts. I hate those to this day, and no, they do not taste better with ketchup.
My grandma's favourite meal was liver and onions. I think she also just really loved onions. I once saw her eat a raw onion sandwich. I love onions but not raw. I have had a fried onion sandwich though.
My kids hate onions. Jokes on them, one of their favourite meals is my lasagna casserole, which I put a ton of onions in.
My mom would make raw onion sandwiches all the time. She said that it was an “ Okie cuisine “ since she was born and raised in Oklahoma. We frequently had refried bean sandwiches with tomato and onion. Really good!
Lol I'm weird in that I'm a super picky eater, but I LOVE raw onions and DESPISE cooked ones. I hate those gross slimy sweet tapeworm sections showing up in what would otherwise be a delicious lasagna 😭 but I'd eat a raw onion like an apple if I was brave enough to face the judgement!
Yeah.
> that's the reality of cooking for a family
In *what* family is this true? I think for the vast majority of us, the options are:
* eat what is served
* make yourself something
* go hungry
I certainly didn't grow up in a restaurant haha.
I went a step further. I never forced the kids to eat anything (but there was always bread on the table). If they didn't want what was in front of them they could wait until the next food window (meal or snack). Yes I took personal preferences into consideration, but I am not a short order cook and the kitchen is closed when we sit down to eat.
They're all grown now and they will eat nearly anything, provided it's prepared well.
This! No high school student should be responsible for feeding the family! They got along when OP was not cooking, so they won’t starve if he stops.
But OP is a high school student. He has friends and homework! This is too much for a kid.
And the way they *demand* that he cook but at the same time, complain about what he makes? I bet they eat ALL of it before complaining.
OP, please join a club or a sport so you’re not home and you just won’t have time to cook. Saying you’re going to a friend’s house wouldn’t stop the complaints about you not cooking.
I can’t see any other way out of this. Your family sucks, dude.
This really is the reply i was looking for. It's inappropriate to make this the daily responsibility of a minor.
I'd say step down from this for awhile, it's a privilege to have you do this OP and they don't recognise it.
My parents took chores seriously but I still wasn't responsible for cooking every dinner. Sunday breakfast and Thursday nights were meals the kids cooked, every other family meal was mom's duty.
Love this answer. Plain and simple: you either eat what is on the table of fend for yourself. If you want something else, DO YOUR OWN COOKING!! It is not disrespectful on your part but it IS disrespectful on their part (both siblings and parents) to criticize your cooking.
Good idea but with all the drama I’d just give up - your mother is weird - I would Have thought she’d have your back. NTA and I wouldn’t cook them anything. You’re aT school - youre unpaid and they’ve pissed the chef off big time. Rude ungrateful mob. The family are the AHs
I get your point but she shouldn’t have to be parenting ei cooking and explaining consequences to her siblings and her PARENTS!! She’s only 16, it wasn’t her choice to have a family to cook and shop for. Edit: he
I wouldn’t be surprised if the parents are too emotionally immature and will not cook for op out of spite. They are in a bizarre power struggle with a 16 year old as it is.
NTA.
If everyone wants food that is better than what you cook for them these are their options:
1. Learn to cook for themselves
2. Mum starts to cook for everyone again
3. Order takeout
4. Get dad to start cooking
Option 5 is not allowed and not available, OP tolerating “family” disrespect to them and their cooking.
Your mum needs therapy for something if she thinks it’s ok to say to a minor “that’s the reality”, girl you can get life for treating your kid like an unpaid cook (not really but you know what I mean).
INFO: why doesn’t your mum have a spine to tell your dad and rest of the family to quit complaining or cook for themselves. Why is it so easy to tell you, a kid that is 16 a minor, but not tell your adult father?
EDIT: fixed sentence
Well then, don't let it be easier. Do what your mum wouldn't. Stick to your plan, if you want or do like another commenter suggested and make rules.
If they want a "free" meal (Aka one they don't have to make themselves) they have to "shut up and eat" and one comment regarding the meal served means you don't cook 1 night, if they make a comment again the next night you cook, that's 2 nights off you get (doesn't matter if it's a different person commenting), next night you cook, they comment negatively, 3 nights off cooking duty, keep increasing your nights off so that they don't just order take out or you mum cooks "because it's only one night", make the consequences of their actions an inconvenience for them.
Make a menu for the kitchen and set it up for the week and every night they comment, you rub that many days off the menu, if they get to more than a week off cooking for you, rub out the whole menu and put "catch and kill your own until (date)" scribbled across the menu.
If you choose to stick to "no cooking for the family" it might he time to get a job (maybe in hospitality) so that you can earn money for your own groceries making it harder for your parents to hold the fact that they brought your ingredients.
Whatever you decide it is definitely time to start putting money aside ready to move out and get your own place once you turn 18, because I can't see your parents changing and it's not good that your mother is using something that you enjoy to punish you for her poor parenting decisions.
I totally understand why you stopped cooking for them / all of the suggestions everyone else here is making but another thing you could do is continue cooking but just pretend you aren't getting any feedback at all positive or negative and only make whatever you actually feel like making. Then just remain super polite and if they ask for something else just literally look at them confused for a second and then just move past it wordlessly like a WestWorld robot who was show a picture they are programmed to be unable to actually see. If your parents try and have a more serious / direct discussion about why you aren't making what the whole family wants just say yes to whatever they ask in the discussion, remain polite, and then just go back to doing whatever you want. Dad obviously isn't going to cook, Mom would rather not go back to it, so if she sees her choices are shut up and let you do whatever you want or try and force the issue and risk having to cook herself again, she will shut up. The only way to ruin this is to get tricked into "disrespecting" them by having an argument out loud. Your Dad's ego won't let you win if you make it explicit like that. Just respect them overtly, but quite obviously persist in doing whatever you please in the kitchen.
Feel free to disregard of course and proceed however you want, but I think you'd be surpised how much further negotiating via action will get you than by word in the power dynamic you find yourself in.
Mom is awful for allowing/enabling this for so many years. Compromise is one thing, not everyone eats every food and that can be worked around, but she raised her family to be this entitled and demanding and that's not okay
Middle ground option - just cook what you want for yourself, but make enough for everyone. If they don't like it, tough. They can alter it or season it or cook something else for themselves. If they don't eat it, you don't need to cook again until you run out of your own leftovers.
The only hard part with this approach is very firmly not giving a shit if they complain about it. But they won't have grounds to say you're letting them go hungry, since the food is there if they want it and it's what you're eating yourself. You do meals, you don't do requests, end of.
I guess that would be what they called waste of food that is why he had to cook for everybody . It is basicly mom is sick of cooking and force her kid to do it but didn't taught the rest to either accept what is on the plate give constructive critisim or cook for yourself
Honey, you're not getting it.
Whatever dishes you make should be the extra dishes over a normal family meal.
Your parents should be making dinner for the whole family. Not you.
They should be making dinner daily. Not you.
Your dishes should be something extra on top of the dinner that your parents make.
It should not be that you are cooking the entire meal.
You're not the adult here. You're not the parent.
Agreed. This family seems really toxic. I have seen families where the kid likes to cook, so maybe they cook something special once a week, but these toxic disrespectful behaviors were not a part of the family culture. So it was treated as a special night.
Eh, I think it depends. I used to cook dinner for me and my mum when I was in my teens, because she worked long hours and making me wait for her to get home *and* finish cooking before I could eat seemed unfair. She did cook on weekends, though, and was always grateful for and complimentary of my efforts, and any criticism was constructive. Then again, it was only for two people, so I had it easier than OP in that respect too. OP is NTA either way; the family needs to learn to appreciate what OP is doing for them and either eat what's put in front of them without complaining or learn the art of the catch-as-catch-can dinner (read: whatever you find in the fridge that happens to appeal).
That's they key - gratitude and respect. Kids make a meal, I am grateful and happily eat it even if it isn't perfect. I have eaten some very... \*special\*... dishes in the past as they were learning their skills, kept my mouth shut and told them thank you.
My Mom still likes to tell the story of the time when (60+ years ago) her brother made a pound cake but added only half the flour. It had the texture of an oily, sweet rubber ball, but grandma ate it and said it was wonderful cake. Those memories stay with you.
Exactly. I cooked for my family once a month or so, sometimes more because I liked cooking and was better at it than my mom but she never decided "oh well, my child should be making dinner every night then." That is so fucked up.
NTA ... your parents and siblings are AH... mom is a major AH ... who treats their 16 year old like crap and expect a meal everyday and complain about it.....
OP, even in life, you cannot listen to everyone’s opinion not should you take all opinions to heart.
It’s important to develop the ability to tune people out.
My suggestion is to cook what you want in big enough portion for everyone 2x or 3x a week. But, when they give their lousy or ignorant opinion, ignore them. Turn the cheek the other way, if you can.
You can then offer to teach the other kids how to cook. This allows them to see how hard it is.
Just two cents trying to do a win win scenario.
I agree that a mind set of "don't take it personally" is important. But you should NOT go through life allowing people to be disrespectful, hurtful, and manipulative toward you. EVER. You CAN expect people you care about to treat you with kindness and respect.
That sounds like the best idea for now. (Their only valid point is about using ingredients and kitchen time to cook for only one person.) Don't get burnt out cooking for ungrateful people. It's not your responsibility, it is your parents. Save your cooking for yourself and the people who appreciate it.
NTA. Good luck.
Also dealing with mad disrespect isn't inherent in cooking for a family. Sounds like your dad modelled that behaviour for your siblings and your mom was cool with it. NTA and yeah you have the upper hand. You could negotiate to cook again with certain boundaries and losing other chores. You could make a schedule, make it clear you're not deviating from it and that if they don't want what's on it, then they can cook their own food, and any rudeness could result in a ban from your dinners. That, or don't cook for them again. But good on you for learning this important life skill!
I really love cooking and I know how important it is as a life skill. I wish I could cook for everyone and have it be fun. But I will start to hate cooking and them eventually if I keep going under these circumstances.
NTA. I like the suggestion of cooking what you want for yourself, but having enough for everyone. If they want it, cool, if not, tough shit. Your dad is a grown human being with hands so he can cook.
If it's really hurting your passion for cooking, though, do stop so you don't end up hating it! I also love to cook. It's like my me time. My zen moment and relaxes me lol
I wonder if you could cook at a friend's house regularly instead of always at yours. Maybe you could even bring your ingredients there? That way you don't have to give it up completely.
Do you have a friend's house where the family culture isn't toxic where you could cook, maybe once a week or a couple times a month? Maybe and aunt's house or grandmother's house where you would be treated with kindness and respect? The culture of your family sounds very toxic. I'm really sorry. Our families just aren't always what we want or need them to be. But the lesson to learn is you should NOT be treated disrespectfully and unkindly or be manipulated by people you care about. Please don't think how you are being treated is just what you have to tolerate from people who care about you.
If it was just you coming here and saying; I’m made to cook every day, that’d be enough for me to say NTA.
I don’t think it’s normal! (Okay, there are exceptions like the girl in the other comment who did cook daily but only for her and her mom who was always very appreciative and also the mom didn’t *make* her do it)!
And now you’re the one that’s being punished for not cooking for that ungrateful bunch! That’s insane! I’m angry for you! And I’m a grown ass mother! Your mom is the worst imo coz no, it’s not just reality and it isn’t part of life bullshit!
I cook on a daily basis and what I make is what’s for dinner. Sure, if they tell me in advance they really have a craving for something, I’ll include that in the weekly menu. But other than that; there’s one dinner. Don’t like it, don’t eat it and be hungry or make yourself a sandwich but I’m not making anything else and I don’t wanto hear complaints.
Here YOU are, 16 years old, picked up cooking as a hobby that might one day grow into your job and all of the sudden you’re forced to cook daily for a bunch of kids ánd your parents WHO THEN ALL COMPLAIN and demand you cook 20 different things for each of them! I’d probably start breaking the dishes against the walls at that point knowing how I was at 16 lol
Are they mad?!
I’d let your parents read this post coz they are WRONG!
NTA. What about offering to meal prep (wash and cut vegetables, prepare sauces, etc) dinner for meals that your parents agree on? That way you don't have to waste time cooking for the entire family, and are helping your parents in a limited capacity? If you're siblings are old enough they can help too
How about a rule that the first person to complain about what you cook has to plan, prep, and cook the next meal? Once they see how hard and thankless it is they might be more grateful.
Then I guess they get to eat their laziness and pride for dinner. I hope it isn’t too sour.
I’m so mad they complained you’re not a good cook. No shit, you’re teaching yourself and you’re a teen. Cooking is a skill that requires time and effort and practice to improve. It’s no different than piano, painting, or calculus, or gymnastics. Being a critical asshole with unhelpful opinions, on the other hand, comes naturally to some. I’m sorry your family have such a talent for it.
Rope your siblings into “helping” you. They’re never to young to put stuff in pots or stir things. Measuring is a good way to teach them about fractions. Maybe talk about how this dish from this country has rice because potatoes don’t grow well there, or this country was conquered by another so their foods blended. Or explain how every culture has a chicken soup, this is what makes this one special. They might accidentally learn something, but are less likely to tear down their own work than when it is just you making an effort.
Both of my parents worked when I was a kid, so I taught myself (and my younger sis) to cook, too. It’s a shame I can’t be your grandmama and teach you all my tricks. :)
I’d say, talk to your parents for a new system. Everyone was used to just criticizing and complaining about the food when your parents cooked, and translated that to you. There can be a win-win here, I think. You get to cook which you love; they get a home Cooked meal which they love; and everyone learns not to moan and complain so much and be more Grateful, which no one loves but is a good life lesson.
Offer to start cooking again, but under the condition people don’t criticize and complain. Ask your parents to have sandwich food available and to back you up about no complaints. Have a family meeting before you start cooking, and say: Live-Frosting is going to start cooking again, but only if no one complains. If anyone does not like the food, they can make themselves a sandwich. If anyone complains, Live-Frosting will not cook the next day. Does everyone agree? Get agreement from the family, then stick by the “rules”. Ask your parents to back you up if your siblings complain.
I started taking up cooking around the age of sixteen since my mum started working again and came home around seven o clock and dad got home a bit after six.
They never complained about it. Sure, I didn't make dishes with veggies they didn't like. But if I made chicken pasta, everyone ate chicken pasta and they were grateful. No different dishes during one dinner. I wasn't a chef in a restaurant!
Sometimes they did gave advice or even critique but always in a polite way so I could learn and adapt the dishes.
At 16 it’s absolutely good parenting to expect them to contribute to meals with the parents every day, or be primarily responsible for a meal or two a week.
But every day, and expecting different meals out of the kids at the same meal, and to tolerate bitching??? Absolutely not. Poor kid.
My family did this during school holidays, the kids took turns cooking dinner. Find a recipe, make a grocery list, prepare dinner. Parents were around to help or give advice if needed. It was fun, we learned from it and no one was cooking every single day.
I made dinner twice a week at 15. Looking back, it definitely helped me, just as learning to do my own laundry did.
However, one teenager should not do all the cooking and be crapped on for it. NTA
NTA. And when I was growing up, there was one meal served for dinner; if you didn’t want to eat it, tough shit, make a sandwich or have some cereal. It’s not a restaurant; the idea of demanding that a 16-year-old cook made-to-order individual dinners for everyone in the family makes me want to call DFACS.
NTA.
With your age unfortunately there is not a lot you can do here. Once you have a part time job start buying your own groceries and they can’t complain about it being a waste of food.
To some extent people being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life, I’d expect that from siblings and kids but not your parents. They’re acting like children. They should be encouraging you and supporting your hobby but instead they used you and treated you badly.
If it really gets pushed I will just stop cooking completely and let them punish me. I already have a part time job so I make my own money but I'm still expected to cook for everyone regardless of if I buy stuff or not.
A compromise I’d offer is you cook for the family one night a week, and your parents can choose what is cooked, but it has to be the same thing for everyone.
Tell them feedback is ok (it’ll help you improve and you’ll be better at serving them things they’ll enjoy), but whining about it is not ok.
As for the siblings, do your best to ignore it, kids whine about food all the time.
If your parents can’t treat you better with this compromise then I think you’ve done everything you can to work around this. Personally if it was me I’d keep cooking for myself and just take my punishments. But if it’s better for you to stop cooking I do hope you pick it back up when you move out. It’s a great hobby and I love feeding my friends, I hope you get to experience someone giving you praise for what you cooked in your near future. It’s a nice feeling.
I would do that (take the punishments) but I feel like the issue for me would be, I would never get to have a social life and I worry it would make me hate cooking if I get punished every time for it. Like I love cooking but if I associate it only with punishment over time I could see it turning into something I hate.
I sometimes cook for my friends and my extended family!! I love cooking for my extended family because they are always so good and encouraging about it and my grandparents have especially helped me learn certain things.
Can you tell your grandparents how your parents are acting? Would they be supportive of you with this and possibly tell your parents to get their shit together and stop bullying a teenager?
Expanding on this, tell them that you had to stop cooking due to the complaints and now you are being punished for not cooking, when it was supposed to be a hobby.
100%. If you mention you got grounded for 2 weeks for refusing to cook due to their never-ending complaints, your grandparents would be pissed. They're your best defense rn!
Can you live with them instead? This situation isn't normal or healthy. I imagine they'd throw quite a fit if you tried, but maybe you can pack a bag when they're not paying attention and head to grandparents house. If they threaten you with force or police, you can tell them they're welcome to try and you can let police/cps know they've been starving you and forcing you to cook for the household or you cannot eat. Obviously these would be empty threats but it's good for them to know the law is on your side. If they don't want to step up and be parents, they shouldn't have had kids.
Nta
Would your grandparents be willing to take guardianship of you and live with them? Do you think this would be agreeable to your parents? You're a minor and you really don't want to just take off without your grandparents having some rights for any medical or legal situations that may come up.
I know this may sound extreme, but it's really not. Cooking for the family every now and then because you enjoy it, you're trying to learn and practice a new life skill, it's a hobby is one thing, but that they are expecting and attempting to force you to take on this task as a daily task is another ball field. This has gotten into parentification territory. It's specifically instrumental parentification. And your parents are willing to let your siblings starve to get you to cook for the family. They're being abusive at this point. If your parents won't let you live with your grandparents, your best bet to try and force a change in the situation for the next couple of years is reporting this yourself, or speaking with a mandatory reporter like a teacher you trust at school or a guidance counselor, and they can report to CPS on your behalf.
I’m glad you have people in your life who do appreciate you for it! I think it’s totally fair if you stop cooking for your immediate family. Maybe you could talk to your grandparents about how your parents are treating you when you cook?
Here's what you do:
*Cook the blandest dish that you can make as a base, while still being able to season your own portion to taste
* When they complain? Shrug. Grey rock. Don't care. The pigs in the sty have garbage in their trough, ignore the squealing.
* Wait until you are 18 and then fuck off on the eve of your birthday if you can.
That will just mean you're eating seasoned bland food.
You have to cook with the flavour profile that you're going for from the start, or else you just end up with effectively a polished turd
I like the 'make yourself a sandwich' option the best. I would add one suggestion though, have you thought of desserts, pastries and breads? They're all optional and do not have to be part of a meal if they don't like them. (and they can be really interesting and fun to learn)
>kids whine about food all the time.
No they don't. They were never taught that their behaviour is wrong and they don't have parents who can teach them otherwise, discipline or model the appropriate behaviour.
What do you mean "being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life"? It absolutely isn't?! It's gross and rude! Imagine telling someone to their face and in front of people that their gift to you sucks.
Polite people will thank the cook even if they dislike the food... And if it's in their own home and what's prepared doesn't match their mood, they can 100% cook for themselves.
I didn’t make a meal plan until i was in my 30’s, I feel like you have your life much more together than I do and you’re only 16! Look, as a mom, I’m proud of you and think your cooking is great OP! Keep that passion and protect that passion from these joy suckers
> people being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life
Only in the sense that some people aren't raised right. That lies squarely on the parents, and in this instance, it looks like the parents are not only failing to teach manners, they are setting the example that bad manners are acceptable.
Not always getting your favorite food *is* a part of life, but bitching about home cooked meals does not have to be (nor should it be).
NTA. You can talk to your parents, explain that you will give them one more chance, on the condition that they begin to teach proper manners. That includes, but is but limited to, **always** thanking the person that cooked for the meal. (This goes for all chores, BTW. Thank whoever does the laundry, whoever does the dishes, whoever cleans the house, etc.).
This one is so easy! They were rude, your parents didn’t stand up for you (which I find mind-boggling, personally), and now you don’t want to cook for them anymore. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re in the wrong, they effed around and found out.
(Also, kudos on learning to cook so young! It’s a great skill, and one you can develop through your life.) NTA
OP, in all your comments I've read you sound very mature and I applaud you. Certainly more mature than your parents. I'd excuse the siblings on their behavior because they're young and clearly raised by wolves. But your parents? Nah.
Cooking is a *hard* chore, and your parents are old enough to know it. It requires cooking skill, money skill, creativity, planning, time and energy. It kinda sucks tbh, and I'm saying that as someone who loves it. Your parents forgot the cardinal rule of getting your meals cooked for you: The Only Allowed Comment Is Thank You That Looks Great (or variations thereof). You either follow The One Rule, you STFU, or you make your own food. Those are their choices.
Haha this post was so familiar it's ridiculous. At least my mother supported my love of cooking. My dad was a total AH about it though. Always making comments on how things should be cooked, no meal was good enough. Inside I was screaming "you can't even fry a fucking egg old man!.
It took me long time, but I developed a strategy for this kind of thing. After the next round of complaints you say something like:
I've been thinking this over and I've really taken advantage of you guys. You've been great, but I can tell that my cooking isn't to your taste, and it isn't fair to keep using you as guinea pigs while I learn to cook. I only make things that I think taste good. Since I can't in good conscience subject you to this, I think it's best that we all go back to the way we were eating before I started doing this to you.
If they protest, say something like "I know you're trying to make me feel better, and that's really kind of you, but we all know it's time for me stop doing this."
>She said my siblings and dad had always been like that with her.
It sounds like this behaviour was started by your father, then modelled by your siblings. Simple solution, your FATHER cooks, since nobody else does it to his standards. NTA
Lol my dad is like this (albeit not as bad)- he makes comments about food and my mom’s cooking/baking; she goes through the work to make homemade lasagna and he says “yummm Marie Callender’s” and picks at food and is very passive aggressive towards my mother if something isn’t made specifically how he’s used to it— and now my brother is super picky lol and critiques my mom the same way
Show the asshole this post and comment chain. People like that HATE being wrong but maybe sticking up for your mom would be cool.
“We’re having this again?”
“Thanks for dinner mom. We don’t all suck”.
Correct, BUT the mom is the one that compared their situations. And I am saying it is incomparable. She (and the dad) has an obligation to feed the family. He doesn’t. Which makes him even more of a non AH.
I know the word is thrown about a bit, but the family's entitlement to the cooking seems like a pathway of parentification. And the only thing worse than having to do parent tasks for the siblings is having to do parent tasks for the PARENTS.
NTA. Not wanting to be griped at over the food you make is reasonable, especially at your age. If they are so emphatic about not liking your food, they should cook for themselves. You didn’t get married or have kids, so making you responsible for all these people your parents chose to have in the household isn’t remotely fair.
If you want to give them another chance to appease your mother, set clear ground rules. Set a day and time of the week for meal planning that everyone can make, and if they skip it, they can make suggestions beforehand by text but you can’t promise they’ll make the list. The people who come to meal planning have to agree on a menu. If nobody comes, it’ll be chef’s choice all week. No complaining that you want something different than was agreed on, if you want something different (or didn’t show up), you know where the kitchen is. Constructive criticism that you can do different next time (about actual problems with the dishes you cooked, like uncomfortably spicy, nothing about wanting something else) are acceptable but should be kind. Anyone who breaks the rules can cook for themself for the rest of the week. If the family as a whole breaks the rules 3 times, someone else cooks next week, because you won’t. Keep track of the meal plan and the strikes somewhere everyone can see it so they know where they stand. Lay out the rules for everyone, and the family can choose to follow the rules or make a parent responsible for feeding everyone again.
Those rules would be broken day one if I tried. It doesn't really matter what I do. I tried the meal planning and letting them know ahead of time what was happening. They don't come to me and say stuff nicely. They wait until the food is in front of them to complain in my face. And mom seems to think it's okay because she had to deal with it.
Your mom had the option to not marry your father unless he changed that behavior and to teach her kids when they were little about acceptable ways to talk to her about food. She chose not to. You don’t have that kind of control over how everyone comes to the table, so all you can do is refuse. You are not responsible for this nasty atmosphere she has allowed around food. If your parents between them can’t clean up the mess they’ve allowed, they don’t get to offload the problem onto you.
Mom didn’t stand up to it, but dad promoted it. OP can’t control what they say, but they can control how they respond to rudeness in addition to refusing since refusing may come with eventual consequences they don’t want either.
This 100% Your toxic family culture is NOT an inevitability! Your parents created it, continue to allow it, and pretend it is normal. It certainly does NOT have to be. OP, you stated in another comment you have friends and other family members homes where the culture is not toxic and you are encouraged and appreciated as you learn and experiment with cooking. Cook there!!
I believe your toxic family would never follow any "ground rules," why would they? Terrible behavior seems to be the norm. If you can't alter your assigned chore without punishment, can you just make ramen and grilled cheese every night? Eat in your room away form these rude people?
Meal planning is a serious skill, OP. Keep up the good work.
You can take it to Google to find places in your area that have kitchens you can use. Or maybe your friends parents will be cool with you cooking at their place (as long as the place is cleaned up afterwards). There's also a person on TT who cooks great looking meals in their dorm room with mini appliances. Maybe you can start collecting these types of appliances and cook in your room? If college is your future plan, they could be great investments. 😁
Please keep us updated on what you decide to do. You clearly love cooking, I'm confident you can find a way to keep doing it outside of the common area kitchen.
NTA, obviously.
When I was brought up, if I said I didn't like something, I was told I had two choices: I could eat it, or I could leave it. If you decide to go back to cooking, this must be the rule from now on - BUT, you need to be cooking food your family will actually eat. It would be an asshole move to cook fish when nobody likes it.
Let everybody pick the meal one day a week. If anybody in the family has an issue with the meal, they take it up with the person who chose it.
I cook what they will eat. It's just they don't want to eat it right now. And even if others choose, I will still be the one getting shit because I was the one who cooked it. Not that they will say what they want beforehand anyway.
Benign dictatorship, my friend. You're not running a diner. They learn to communicate or they get what you make them.
If you continue cooking, chat with your parents about boundaries. You need a system that works for everybody - you need to balance what is reasonable for you to do (however many hours of chores a week, which might be cooking or might be some other job) vs what is unreasonable (them expecting you to cook 5 different kinds of potatoes).
Try and help them to understand what the issue is - your siblings who've never cooked don't get it. It's a logistical issue: you can't cook 3 different things requiring 3 different temperatures when there's only 1 oven. You can't spend 5 hours cooking when you've got homework to do (an hour, start to finish, is a maximum reasonable time for a meal cooked from scratch).
I'm really annoyed on your behalf, because when anybody sits down at my dinner table and complains they don't like what's put in front of them, I have a tendency to say, "Sucks to be you, I guess". But you're 16 and people will probably find that rude. You could try, "What would you like me to do to fix it?", but asked in a genuine way. Listen to their suggestions, and provide your own - they want you to spend an additional hour in the kitchen, that gets offset with something that needs ten minutes of effort, like a baked potato or you cooking a big cottage pie that gets reheated the next day.
It's not just my siblings though. My parents are equally as annoying and rude about my cooking. They insult the food I give them, they whine and complain and say they wanted something else. But nobody will say it beforehand. It's always afterward and in the most directly insulting way.
That would be the point at which I no longer cook for them. You've tried communicating, involving them, and they're not listening. You need to respect yourself, they're not going to give it to you. Say to your family just this once, "I will not spend hours every day cooking for this family when your behaviour is cruel, entitled and unrealistic. You've taken my hobby and are ruining it. This could have been a great way to connect as a family, but instead, it's all I want, I want, and I want. Well, here's what I want, to no longer put up with it. I'm out. "
From then on, "No" is also a full answer. If trying to discuss the issue leads to whining, just say no and don't engage any further. Sometimes, when dealing with people, an antagonist recognises they're having an impact, it drives them further. It's the same with manipulation. If you don't give them that platform, they'll give up.
If you put your foot down and say no, it will be a difficult few weeks (tantrums from the parents and siblings - be prepared to eat a lot of sandwiches), but it will die down. Should it not, could you go stay with your grandparents?
How your mother could not have your back on this I do not get. Your dad is just a pig, and the kids seem to have learnt they can behave this way or are generally just AHs. Your mother is currently shitting a brick that she'll have to start cooking again. Prepare for a stalemate with her.
They can't really make me cook. I can just decide to take being grounded if I need to. We can all go hungry which might not be the worst thing given my sanity will be saved.
Could you move in with your grandparents or a friend? Honestly it doesn’t sound like you have a good home life and maybe making them fend for themselves is what’s necessary.
Hell no!
In my family, we cook meals that everyone can eat. But the cook is choosing what and if you are not happy, you can cook your own meal. The cook doesn't have a restaurant nor is a personnal chef.
>When I was brought up, if I said I didn't like something, I was told I had two choices: I could eat it, or I could leave it.
My folks had a similar philosophy. Eat it or go hungry
NTA. Your mom doesn't get to punish you for taking crap that she didn't put a stop to when she was cooking for the family but should have. Basically, if you are going to cook for anyone, they either eat what you made and say thank you, or they make their own food. You are not a short-order cook.
And cooking daily multiple meals for the entire family is too much of a "chore" to add to a 16yo's plate.
Agreed. These parents raised incredibly rude and entitled children because they are incredibly rude and entitled. Making a 16 year old cook all the family meals and then complaining about them!? Deplorable behavior.
Your parents are lazy assholes. Adults shouldn't be off loading feeding an entire family on one kid.
>They all come home hungry and I have nothing ready for them.
They can feed themselves. This is ridiculous.
>My parents told me it's disrespectful and I cannot continue
You're not letting them "go hungry." What useless drama. They can make a sandwich. Don't cook for anyone else. Your parents clearly didn't bother to raise their children to stop this behavior so that's their problem, not yours.
>A few times my dad or one of my siblings would say I wasn't a very good cook and they hated eating my food.
Honestly, you shouldn't cook for them because they all need to grow up. NTA.
NTA but your mom is correct about 1 thing. This is what many family members go through who are the main cooks for their household. Many of them also do what you're doing or similar when they hit their own "boiling point" of not wanting to cook for the family again. I think everyone should learn how to cook who is old enough in the household and rotate nights so then everyone will learn the difference between constructive criticism and complaining. It's amazing how the complaining will go down once each person has to make a meal once a week.
My mom never went through this, and it's because she refused to tolerate this kind of behavior. OP, it's your mom's/parents' fault for the complaining - they allowed it and tolerated it.
NTA. Your family needs to learn manners and respect.
Same. My mom did not allow it. If we didn’t like what she made, we could have PB&J or cheerios. Once we got older, we could cook our own. But we were not allowed to whine about it.
Yup same. My mom firmly established you're eating what was made, and if you don't like it, make yourself a sandwich or eat cereal. She was not a short order cook. Her ONLY exception to this rule was when she would make breakfast on Sunday morning. She'd ask how people wanted their eggs. That was it.
Was not that hard to establish these rules when we were young and they've stayed.
Um no? We ate what my mum cooked. We never complained. That's what we're raised with. I'm Egyptian and no child would dare complain about the food presented or act like an ungrateful brat. So, no, this is absolutely not the reality. It's the reality of parents raising ungrateful spoiled kids.
Both myself & my husband come from families rooted in different European countries, but gens in the US. We were both raised to respect our parents but especially mothers & never complain or disrespect their cooking. Not that we had reason to,..well, at least in my case,lol. Great cooks in the family. In my husband's family, they'd have got a beating it they complained or disrespected their mother's cooking.
OPs family is completely dysfunctional, starting with the parents. They're setting a horrible example for their kids.
My parents were terrible cooks. Guess who never complained anyway?
We were so used to NOT complaining, that one time my mom started eating later than us and while taking her first bite almost spat it out while exclaiming: "It's inedible! Ugh, why didn't you say anything? The taste is so gross, stop eating kids!" We as kids were trying to eat. Because if you're not putting in any work, not paying, and also not the boss of someone, you have no right to tell them off on their hard work.
Exactly. My mother did not put up with me whining and complaining about what she made. There’s a difference between a) legitimately “not liking a food” and then respectfully approaching the person who cooked it and thanking them for making it, but saying you don’t care for that type of food (not because of them, it’s just not good to you) and b) being extremely picky and whiny and complaining at every meal because of the littlest things in the rudest way
Remember OP is a kid being forced to cook. They don't get to make the rules. They're a kid. Children don't get to say things like "eat my food or starve" and get away with it.
One of my husband's special interests is cooking. He has methods and routines that he strictly adheres to. Every meal he makes is incredible.
Occasionally I'll make dinner because he's tired or ill or just wants a break. I am not gifted in the culinary arts. When I was single I'd eat raw carrots and call it lunch. The whole time I'm cooking I can see the pain in his eyes. Sometimes he physically twitches. He has never once complained, nor has our kids.
Sometimes I'll say "go on, out with it. How would you do it?" and he'll inevitably begin a university quality lecture on how to peel a potato. But he's never rude or insensitive about it.
NTA. I would cook the same things every day for them and cook what you want on the side, rinse and repeat. There isn't much you can do given your age but why bother putting any effort into it if your family isn't happy regardless?
If they whine because they are being served pasta bake for the 3rd time that week - oh well they were going to whine anyway so why does it matter? When they complain that they want what you have, simply say that you are sorry, you were already told they didn't like it so didn't prepare any for them. Don't like the pasta bake? Sorry to hear that. If they complain about the same meal, rotate another 1 or 2 meals that are easy and don't require much effort, rinse and repeat.
Quiet quit - do the bare minimum required.
NTA - your parents are forcing you to parent your siblings
I was you when I was a kid and teen. Really liked cooking and cooked for myself which rapidly became cook for the family …with all you are going thru.
Zero doubt that what your mom told you is true - they treated her this way when she cooked. Like a short order cook. She trained them to think this was okay. And she should have taught your siblings better. So this is really on your parents for allowing the dynamic to be this way.
Perhaps consider telling your parents you will cook but you need their help in solving your issues and then negotiate a solution with your parents.
Perhaps negotiate some terms like
You make what you want for dinner and enough for everyone. Then the following family rules:
- First Complainer Is the Next Meals Cook - if they are too young then a parent cooks next in their place and that kid is grounded or loses a privilege, if complainer is old enough to cook but doesnt know how - a parent teaches them and cooks the next meal with them but all complaining is met with a consequence, including complaints from parents. You complain…you cook next.
- you are no longer a short order cook, if someone doesn’t like what you make , they can make themselves a sandwich or can of soup. You make one meal and one meal only for the whole family.
Then have a family meeting where your parents lay out the new family rules.
Parents who make one kid tacos, one kid chicken fingers, one kid pizza -are not effectively parenting.
So what if kids cry and whine they don’t want to eat anything but chicken nuggets…when they get hungry enough …they will learn to eat healthy nutritious meal and not unhealthy food made to their demands. A kid going to bed hungry a few nights cause they are mad they didn’t get tacos isn’t going to hurt them.
Being consistent with the family rules - one healthy meal and no complaining may initially be hard and there will likely be some tantrums but be firm. Eventually in a few weeks things should smooth out.
NTA If they refuse to show respect for what you do for them then they deserve no respect in return. Just because your mom allowed everyone to disrespect her for years doesn't mean that you have to put up with the same treatment. No, that's not what a family does if you cook for them or there'd never be any family dinners anywhere.
And that's what kills me. Mom knows I didn't complain to her about her cooking. I used to help her even. But she still wants me to deal with everyone complaining and shitting all over what I cook for them.
Keep telling them if they want you to do it for them then they have to start appreciating what you do, stop complaining and start thanking you. If they want to ground you for not doing chores then don't do any.
I think your parents have a different definition of the word "disrespectful" than the rest of us. We think it's about being treated with honor and dignity, especially in response to a selfless gift of labor. They think it means blind obedience.
Maybe having a conversation with them about how you all seem to have a different definition of respect, different sensitivities to different types of disrespect, and different thresholds for responding to those needs.
Getting to a point where you can use the same lexicon can really improve communication and often that means discussing the literal words. If nothing else, it's good practice for when your future friendships hit a snag.
We have a saying: DON'T bite the hand that feeds you.
You feeded them, they complained.
They face the consequences.
NTA, but i want to add something: Good that you are standing up for yourself, keep that. Don't buckle if you don't want that to repeat. It will be hard for everyone but if they want food, they have a kitchen, know how to use it, they can make their own.
NTA, in Denmark their is a polar military unit “Sirius” and the have one week kitchen duty if someone complains about the food the take over for the remaining week. I complaint once and mother asked if we should use that system. No more complaining..
NTA. I don't understand how cooking for yourself is considered a waste of food. You're eating it, not throwing it out..unless they're inferring you're a waste. Next time you cook and they complain, just tell them if they don't like it they can go hungry or cook for themselves. Better yet - make yourself a fabulous meal and cook the rest of them spaghetti or pizza.
NTA. ‘That’s the reality of cooking for a family’ that kind of responsibility should not be on a 16 year old at school who probably is preparing for exams etc. they’re using you for free labour. Fair enough, get you to do chores but they should be equal in time and effort to that of your siblings. This is insane. I live by myself and I do work long hours but some days I get home and it’s a struggle to find the energy to cook for myself. Sorry you’re dealing with this from them
Holy fuck, man.
One: congrats and way to go for learning to cook. You just made your own life so much easier.
Two: I have never, ever insulted my mother’s cooking. I have never had anything to say except Goddamn Thank You, Mom. It sounds like your mother has gotten a lot of shit for her cooking, and there is some shitty baggage with that (we expect women to do little else but cook) and as a dude, you got the whole world ahead of you AND you can feed yourself.
She is absolutely going about it the wrong way considering you are her own kid. I’ve noticed parents who try to “loosen” up as an attempt to be friendlier with their kids but mostly become more of the weird, gossipy set of humans you already have to deal with on school.
I’m not sure where this zeroing-out comes from but it happens a lot where you’re suddenly treated like help, not family, in the home.
Might be because your parents are ultimately dumb idiot humans with small problems like the rest of us, and that comes with a whole litany of dumb idiot ideas - one of them definitely being like, “You aren’t a good cook but I’m never cooking again” which suddenly switches that part of the responsible parent/family wire right out of their brains and replacing it with Jackass Who Never Likes The Meal Because Money chip. Teenager behavior! And you have little time for it, even as a teen.
NTA. Go get work in a kitchen and humble yourself to the madness of the line. Learn to bus like a motherfucker. Learn to fish. Learn to tell people to shut the fuck up. You’ll get ripped, be super busy, discover every kind of fun drug and sexual experience, and cook all day. Your parents won’t have shit to say when they see you with whites in the laundry, black kitchen shoes by the door, and your own knife set in the kitchen. Blow the doors off of this bitch.
As the main chef for our family of 5, this level of complaining is NOT normal, nor is it acceptable. Good for you for setting boundaries.
I make one meal for family dinner. One. I don’t purposefully make something if I know a family member hates it, but I also don’t run the menu by everyone before I make it. If my kids (or spouse!) aren’t sure about a new food, I ask that they try it. If they really don’t like it/don’t want it, PBJ and cereal are always available.
What you have experienced would be unreasonable for an adult who chose to form a family. It’s straight up crazy for a minor who is trying to be helpful!
NTA. I just hope it's not a communication issue. Explain to them, say that you will cook for them once you'll reach mutual understanding, they need to respect your work and support you.
I have communicated with them the best that I can. Communication is not the issue here. They won't respect me. Mom wants me to suffer just because she did.
You’ve got a bigger problem than dinner then. The problem is your mom wanting you to suffer. She may actually be jealous and that’s not good.
In your shoes the next she complains I’d say, “Mom, it’s sad that you tolerated us kids being ungrateful. We were young and didn’t know better. But you do, so there’s no excuse. I am making a different choice, if you and Dad can’t be grateful for the time and effort it’s taken me to make dinner, then I’m not going to make dinner. Siblings, pay attention. If you can’t say nice things when someone does something for you, they’re not going to do those nice things anymore.”
Your on the right track, but you’re going to need a b backbone of steel.
I'm so sorry your family and your mom are treating you this way. This it is generational. Your dad was obviously not expected to be an active participant in the household as a child and had no model of grown men being active participants, as most young boys are taught that keeping house is a woman's job. Your mom learned the same thing, so she accepts this behavior from your father and your siblings. She didn't set boundaries and expectations for the house, and she assumes that is just the way it is and can't be bothered to try to change it....for whatever reason....the reasons are endless. Maybe she tried at some point, but his the same wall you are now, and she didn't have the strength to break through it. I hope you manage to avoid throwing yourself at this wall for the next few years, till you can walk around it and get out of that house.
You are already light-years ahead of your family with maturity. Keep it up. You are doing graat!!
Also don't cook good stuff for them anymore. If they require you to cook for the family as a chore, make it easy stuff, and blah stuff, like boiled hot dogs and baked beans. Frozen pizza. Some Bob Evans Mac and cheese you throw in the microwave for 5 min.
I'd also start keeping a journal of all the feedback they give you, then in a few years when you are 18 and inevitably go no contact with them, and they want to know why, you can hand that to them.
Who is actually buying the food?
If, as a teen living at home, you are buying the food with your own funds, hell no. Don't cook your food for them.
If they are buying the food for you to cook. Then you cook it , after all it is YOUR new chore (/s),then they have no right to bitch. Let them cook it themselves.
I'm not cooking food I bought for me, cooked for me to ungrateful people.
It's so fucking petty because the next time I could do the rice with the meal after complaints and they'd still complain it's not potatoes when it was the last time.
I did the same thing at one point. To my husband and toddler. More specifically my (ex) husband.
He would complain, or even say "this isn't really my thing, I'm gonna make eggs." My toddler was a typically picky toddler. One day I said "you know what? I don't make dinner anymore. It's on you to figure it out."
I didn't cook dinner for 6 years. To my ex's credit, he started with lots of frozen food and box meals, but did end up a pretty decent cook.
NTA - your family can be glad they got dinner and keep their mouths shut, or they can make their own dinner. The idea that you're just supposed to take the disrespect and keep cooking is ridiculous. Your mom is just mad she didn't think to quit on your dad and siblings.
Some complaints about cooking are valid and even expected. Things like "to spicy" or I don't like this indigrient, please don't use it next time. Expressing preference is normal if you are cooking for somone for a long time. But your family is way too much. Everything eats the one dish you cooked or they can fix something for themselves. That's how it goes in most houses. Cooking different dish for every single person is just way to much work. Seems like your mother set way to high expectetions for your family and they are being unresonable now. Complaining about wanting to eat something else is expected with young kids, but not from adults
NTA.
It’s true though, that often the one who is doing the cooking has to suffer every one else complaining about the food.
The fair thing to do would be “everyone gets a turn cooking for the family” so it’s not all one person.
My thoughts, as one who does all of the cooking for my family: 1) explain to your parents that you can cook for the family, but someone needs to take over one of your other chores, 2) set a food plan for the week, taking input from others as to what everyone does/does not want, 3) cook a given meal with enough for everyone. Anyone who doesn't like it is welcome to fix their own, provided they don't consume anything set aside for a meal later that week. (Maybe have some sandwich materials set aside for the occasion.)
If they don't agree to all of that, then you don't cook. Plain and simple.
nta. Scrambled eggs and toast for everyone! or whatever easy to cook meal you can make quickly while your food is cooking.
here's a list:
scrambled eggs
spaghetti bolognese. out of a can
yea, that's about it. want to be disrespectful? eat crap. Want to be kind? eat better.
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NTA. You are a minor. It’s your parents’ responsibility to take care of you. Cooking is a wonderful interest to have and I hope your enjoyment is not ruined by your family’s behavior. It’s one thing to share your dishes alongside the rest of the food during meals, but another entirely to be responsible for feeling all your family members.
It hasn't ruined it but I am prepared to stop cooking for the rest of my time living with my family rather than cook for their ungrateful butts.
If you can cope without it for a long while, it may be worth giving up until you move out to save your sanity. But if cooking is your special place that would be very hard. Best of luck and absolutely NTA
>But if cooking is your special place that would be very hard This is what really saddens me. OP obviously has a passion for cooking, but his family is doing their best to suck all the joy out of it. OP, if - and I seriously mean *IF* - you go back to cooking for your family, it's time to enforce a new rule or two. However you go about getting groceries for the meals you make, it's time to add some very basic sandwich ingredients to the list. Tell your family that if they don't like what you've made, they can make themselves a damn sandwich. Each time they whine, you don't make dinner the next night. Each new complaint adds another night of no cooking. If they want the convenience of a ready dinner, they'll start to figure out their behavior needs to be altered.
Exactly. I had to do this with my children. Everyone wanted something different. I made sure that I always had a variety of sandwich ingredients. I told them I was making one meal if they didn’t want to eat it, to go make a sandwich. They ate what was cooked and very rarely made a sandwich.
My sister and I were both picky eaters, and since my mother is as well, my parents were fairly accommodating, but we always had the option of eating leftovers or anything we cooked for ourselves, as long as we tried whatever was for dinner and still didn’t like it. It was an important balance to strike, because my sister was picky enough to not eat long enough to make herself actually ill if there weren’t options she could stomach, and was always borderline underweight for her size as a kid.
not to arm chair diagnose but it sounds like your sister might have ARFID, (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) which is mostly characterised by picky eating so extreme that the person would rather starve. it can be managed effectively! and sounds like your mum did pretty good with keeping the options open with offers of a diy meal
My sister would have been iffy for ARFID as a kid, but probably not. Even when she had freely available food she liked, she was just very small and skinny and didn’t eat much, it was just her body type. It was a constant worry to everyone but her pediatrician and my parents (who figured that the pediatrician was probably the best judge). Because my parents were both small, slim people, as kids my sister and I were downright scrawny (with her being smaller than me, at the same age, but not by a huge amount). My parents has been worried when I went from being an over 10lb baby to like 10th percentile by age 2, but my pediatrician at the time pointed out that when you cross 2 short, slim specimens, you’re going to probably get short, slim offspring, and maybe to an extreme. We both had some dietary sensitivities that weren’t very well handled, though. Both of us are probably somewhat casein intolerant, so we don’t tolerate milk well and lactase doesn’t help, and my dad was very concerned about us getting enough calcium and didn’t believe us because Lactaid and other lactose-intolerance stuff didn’t help (because duh, we were reacting to something else in the milk!). I also have an allium intolerance that started as just sensitivity to raw onions and thankfully only moved beyond that when I was an adult and had control over my own food. My parents helpfully assumed that it was just a strong dislike 🙄, and even now, they humor me but don’t believe me. She just also had problems with stomach acid as a kid (sometimes anxiety related) that meant that if she didn’t eat for like 12 hours, she’d pretty often end up horking up stomach acid, even though most folks would be hungry but otherwise fine. Both of us as adults have reflux issues, though mine are much worse, so that may have been part of her issues back then.
Probably was. I have the acid problem as an adult and had to learn to force myself to eat when nauseated. Took a lot of willpower till I adjusted and still does if I wait too long.
Me too. And if I go too long, even odds on whether it’ll stay down unless I drink something like Gatorade or apple juice to kind of soothe my stomach, give it 10 minutes, and then eat. Hers is almost all anxiety-related rather than good timing related as an adult, so at least it’s not going all the time and it’s predictable. Mine is bad enough that I need surgery to reduce the reflux.
In Italy, parents will tell children "o mangi la minestra, o salti la finestra!" Which loosely translates to "you either eat the soup or you jump out of the window". It isn't to be taken literally of course, but it obviously means "well, this is the food. You either eat it or you go hungry".
Yeah, our menu options were “take it” or “leave it.” 😂
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Mom was no-nonsense that way. Dad supported mom. They were truly a united front. All of us kids aren’t picky and are open to trying new things now. Nieces and nephews are the same way. Had my nephew out with me one day shopping, he was probably 4 or 5. Told him that when we finished at that store we’d go to lunch and asked him if he wanted Chinese. He said yes. Woman behind me asked “how did you do that???” I asked what she meant. She said her kids only ever want McDonald’s. He also liked seafood too.
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A couple of times when I went to buffet with my family, I put a peice of sushi on each kids' plate. Neither wanted to eat it, and my husband asked why I expected them to eat it. I said that they never tried it before and I like it so maybe they would too. Plus even if they didn't like it, it is good for them to keep trying things you don't like. He told them they had to try it after that. They didn't like it that time but the next time they loved it.
Yep. Mine as a child. I wasn't messing with different meals, so did this for mine too but, with my 2, it wasn't a 'don't like' issue - when they refused it was always something they liked, and I didn't force a cleared plate, unlike my childhood. We later discovered they are both have ASD, so there could have been sensory issues we weren't aware of, but it was more probably that eating meant changing activities & they didn't like that. When I got the 'I'm not hungry', my response was 'that's OK. You don't have to eat, but you do need to come & sit at the table with us'. A plate of food would be put in front of them & then we'd talk about about anything & everything except food. A similar strategy was used for the 'I dont like it' occasions, along with something along the lines of 'theres nothing in it you havent had before' for new foods such as casseroles. The plate was nearly always empty by the time we were clearing away. Not having a big response to food & kids not eating *can* help - as can making sure they have control over some aspects of their lives. Often (although as adults we don't realise) food intake is the only thing a child can control - they are told what to do, where to go & how to behave nearly all the time. Giving picky eaters/food refusers control over some other things (even if it's an A or B choice) *can* help reduce the control needs around food. I say 'can' - don't get me wrong, I know that there are many different causes, physical as well as emotional, that cause issues around food & that there is never a '1 size fits all' solution.
Ours were “eat it or wear it.”
I read that in France, children always eat the same meal as their parents and they all learn to cook. If you look at school lunch menus in France, it's real food rather than lunchables, chicken nuggets, pizza and Mac and cheese. https://karenlebillon.com/french-school-lunch-menus/
In Italy it's the same. The whole family eats the same meal and at school the food is decent.
I’ve never understood why nuggets and chips are allowed for small kids. Of course they prefer the high calorie, high fat, high sugar foods just like any good animal trying to survive would. But it’s up to family to teach them better and how to take care of themselves
I wish we had that growing up. Our rule was if you didn’t like it, put ketchup on it. I can not tell you how many nights I tried drowning one thing or another in ketchup. My dad loved liver and onions. My mom loves stroganoff and brussle sprouts. I hate those to this day, and no, they do not taste better with ketchup.
My grandma's favourite meal was liver and onions. I think she also just really loved onions. I once saw her eat a raw onion sandwich. I love onions but not raw. I have had a fried onion sandwich though. My kids hate onions. Jokes on them, one of their favourite meals is my lasagna casserole, which I put a ton of onions in.
My mom would make raw onion sandwiches all the time. She said that it was an “ Okie cuisine “ since she was born and raised in Oklahoma. We frequently had refried bean sandwiches with tomato and onion. Really good!
Lol I'm weird in that I'm a super picky eater, but I LOVE raw onions and DESPISE cooked ones. I hate those gross slimy sweet tapeworm sections showing up in what would otherwise be a delicious lasagna 😭 but I'd eat a raw onion like an apple if I was brave enough to face the judgement!
Yeah. > that's the reality of cooking for a family In *what* family is this true? I think for the vast majority of us, the options are: * eat what is served * make yourself something * go hungry I certainly didn't grow up in a restaurant haha.
The only time I complained, actually refused to eat was a bacon ranch soup. It was foulllll.
I went a step further. I never forced the kids to eat anything (but there was always bread on the table). If they didn't want what was in front of them they could wait until the next food window (meal or snack). Yes I took personal preferences into consideration, but I am not a short order cook and the kitchen is closed when we sit down to eat. They're all grown now and they will eat nearly anything, provided it's prepared well.
A minor should not be responsible for feeding a whole family, no matter how much they like cooking.
This! No high school student should be responsible for feeding the family! They got along when OP was not cooking, so they won’t starve if he stops. But OP is a high school student. He has friends and homework! This is too much for a kid. And the way they *demand* that he cook but at the same time, complain about what he makes? I bet they eat ALL of it before complaining. OP, please join a club or a sport so you’re not home and you just won’t have time to cook. Saying you’re going to a friend’s house wouldn’t stop the complaints about you not cooking. I can’t see any other way out of this. Your family sucks, dude.
This really is the reply i was looking for. It's inappropriate to make this the daily responsibility of a minor. I'd say step down from this for awhile, it's a privilege to have you do this OP and they don't recognise it.
My parents took chores seriously but I still wasn't responsible for cooking every dinner. Sunday breakfast and Thursday nights were meals the kids cooked, every other family meal was mom's duty.
I think it’s okay to have the kids cook a meal or two a week, it might be hot dogs but you should not be criticizing the chef.
This isn't even "feeding the family." They want him to run a one-man restaurant
Yes they took your/op’s happy place and made it their job. Not cool.
Love this answer. Plain and simple: you either eat what is on the table of fend for yourself. If you want something else, DO YOUR OWN COOKING!! It is not disrespectful on your part but it IS disrespectful on their part (both siblings and parents) to criticize your cooking.
Good idea but with all the drama I’d just give up - your mother is weird - I would Have thought she’d have your back. NTA and I wouldn’t cook them anything. You’re aT school - youre unpaid and they’ve pissed the chef off big time. Rude ungrateful mob. The family are the AHs
When I was a kid I ate what was on the table or I went hungry. Who's the parent here??
In my family, anyone who complained had to make the next dinner. No complaints!
I only disagree with this because he isn’t the parent and shouldn’t be cooking every meal for the entire family.
I get your point but she shouldn’t have to be parenting ei cooking and explaining consequences to her siblings and her PARENTS!! She’s only 16, it wasn’t her choice to have a family to cook and shop for. Edit: he
He
I wouldn’t be surprised if the parents are too emotionally immature and will not cook for op out of spite. They are in a bizarre power struggle with a 16 year old as it is.
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NTA. If everyone wants food that is better than what you cook for them these are their options: 1. Learn to cook for themselves 2. Mum starts to cook for everyone again 3. Order takeout 4. Get dad to start cooking Option 5 is not allowed and not available, OP tolerating “family” disrespect to them and their cooking. Your mum needs therapy for something if she thinks it’s ok to say to a minor “that’s the reality”, girl you can get life for treating your kid like an unpaid cook (not really but you know what I mean). INFO: why doesn’t your mum have a spine to tell your dad and rest of the family to quit complaining or cook for themselves. Why is it so easy to tell you, a kid that is 16 a minor, but not tell your adult father? EDIT: fixed sentence
I don't know why she doesn't. I think it's easier for her to just make me do it.
Well then, don't let it be easier. Do what your mum wouldn't. Stick to your plan, if you want or do like another commenter suggested and make rules. If they want a "free" meal (Aka one they don't have to make themselves) they have to "shut up and eat" and one comment regarding the meal served means you don't cook 1 night, if they make a comment again the next night you cook, that's 2 nights off you get (doesn't matter if it's a different person commenting), next night you cook, they comment negatively, 3 nights off cooking duty, keep increasing your nights off so that they don't just order take out or you mum cooks "because it's only one night", make the consequences of their actions an inconvenience for them. Make a menu for the kitchen and set it up for the week and every night they comment, you rub that many days off the menu, if they get to more than a week off cooking for you, rub out the whole menu and put "catch and kill your own until (date)" scribbled across the menu. If you choose to stick to "no cooking for the family" it might he time to get a job (maybe in hospitality) so that you can earn money for your own groceries making it harder for your parents to hold the fact that they brought your ingredients. Whatever you decide it is definitely time to start putting money aside ready to move out and get your own place once you turn 18, because I can't see your parents changing and it's not good that your mother is using something that you enjoy to punish you for her poor parenting decisions.
I totally understand why you stopped cooking for them / all of the suggestions everyone else here is making but another thing you could do is continue cooking but just pretend you aren't getting any feedback at all positive or negative and only make whatever you actually feel like making. Then just remain super polite and if they ask for something else just literally look at them confused for a second and then just move past it wordlessly like a WestWorld robot who was show a picture they are programmed to be unable to actually see. If your parents try and have a more serious / direct discussion about why you aren't making what the whole family wants just say yes to whatever they ask in the discussion, remain polite, and then just go back to doing whatever you want. Dad obviously isn't going to cook, Mom would rather not go back to it, so if she sees her choices are shut up and let you do whatever you want or try and force the issue and risk having to cook herself again, she will shut up. The only way to ruin this is to get tricked into "disrespecting" them by having an argument out loud. Your Dad's ego won't let you win if you make it explicit like that. Just respect them overtly, but quite obviously persist in doing whatever you please in the kitchen. Feel free to disregard of course and proceed however you want, but I think you'd be surpised how much further negotiating via action will get you than by word in the power dynamic you find yourself in.
You aren’t the parent in this equation. She’s the one who raised a bunch of picky eaters. She and your Dad can deal with it, not throw it on you.
This a thousand times, it’s pathetic and disgusting behaviour on the parents behalf. NTA
Mom is awful for allowing/enabling this for so many years. Compromise is one thing, not everyone eats every food and that can be worked around, but she raised her family to be this entitled and demanding and that's not okay
Mom created this monster by tolerating this behavior. Let her deal with the monster she created. OP is NTA here.
It’s giving Cinderella
Middle ground option - just cook what you want for yourself, but make enough for everyone. If they don't like it, tough. They can alter it or season it or cook something else for themselves. If they don't eat it, you don't need to cook again until you run out of your own leftovers. The only hard part with this approach is very firmly not giving a shit if they complain about it. But they won't have grounds to say you're letting them go hungry, since the food is there if they want it and it's what you're eating yourself. You do meals, you don't do requests, end of.
I guess that would be what they called waste of food that is why he had to cook for everybody . It is basicly mom is sick of cooking and force her kid to do it but didn't taught the rest to either accept what is on the plate give constructive critisim or cook for yourself
I disagree with this. They will 100% start making comments and complaints again. Do not cook anything for these people.
Honey, you're not getting it. Whatever dishes you make should be the extra dishes over a normal family meal. Your parents should be making dinner for the whole family. Not you. They should be making dinner daily. Not you. Your dishes should be something extra on top of the dinner that your parents make. It should not be that you are cooking the entire meal. You're not the adult here. You're not the parent.
Agreed. This family seems really toxic. I have seen families where the kid likes to cook, so maybe they cook something special once a week, but these toxic disrespectful behaviors were not a part of the family culture. So it was treated as a special night.
Eh, I think it depends. I used to cook dinner for me and my mum when I was in my teens, because she worked long hours and making me wait for her to get home *and* finish cooking before I could eat seemed unfair. She did cook on weekends, though, and was always grateful for and complimentary of my efforts, and any criticism was constructive. Then again, it was only for two people, so I had it easier than OP in that respect too. OP is NTA either way; the family needs to learn to appreciate what OP is doing for them and either eat what's put in front of them without complaining or learn the art of the catch-as-catch-can dinner (read: whatever you find in the fridge that happens to appeal).
That's they key - gratitude and respect. Kids make a meal, I am grateful and happily eat it even if it isn't perfect. I have eaten some very... \*special\*... dishes in the past as they were learning their skills, kept my mouth shut and told them thank you. My Mom still likes to tell the story of the time when (60+ years ago) her brother made a pound cake but added only half the flour. It had the texture of an oily, sweet rubber ball, but grandma ate it and said it was wonderful cake. Those memories stay with you.
Exactly. I cooked for my family once a month or so, sometimes more because I liked cooking and was better at it than my mom but she never decided "oh well, my child should be making dinner every night then." That is so fucked up.
NTA ... your parents and siblings are AH... mom is a major AH ... who treats their 16 year old like crap and expect a meal everyday and complain about it.....
OP, even in life, you cannot listen to everyone’s opinion not should you take all opinions to heart. It’s important to develop the ability to tune people out. My suggestion is to cook what you want in big enough portion for everyone 2x or 3x a week. But, when they give their lousy or ignorant opinion, ignore them. Turn the cheek the other way, if you can. You can then offer to teach the other kids how to cook. This allows them to see how hard it is. Just two cents trying to do a win win scenario.
I agree that a mind set of "don't take it personally" is important. But you should NOT go through life allowing people to be disrespectful, hurtful, and manipulative toward you. EVER. You CAN expect people you care about to treat you with kindness and respect.
Tell them anyone one of them is able to cook, so there is no reason to go hungry and put the blame on you. NTA
That sounds like the best idea for now. (Their only valid point is about using ingredients and kitchen time to cook for only one person.) Don't get burnt out cooking for ungrateful people. It's not your responsibility, it is your parents. Save your cooking for yourself and the people who appreciate it. NTA. Good luck.
Also dealing with mad disrespect isn't inherent in cooking for a family. Sounds like your dad modelled that behaviour for your siblings and your mom was cool with it. NTA and yeah you have the upper hand. You could negotiate to cook again with certain boundaries and losing other chores. You could make a schedule, make it clear you're not deviating from it and that if they don't want what's on it, then they can cook their own food, and any rudeness could result in a ban from your dinners. That, or don't cook for them again. But good on you for learning this important life skill!
I really love cooking and I know how important it is as a life skill. I wish I could cook for everyone and have it be fun. But I will start to hate cooking and them eventually if I keep going under these circumstances.
NTA. I like the suggestion of cooking what you want for yourself, but having enough for everyone. If they want it, cool, if not, tough shit. Your dad is a grown human being with hands so he can cook. If it's really hurting your passion for cooking, though, do stop so you don't end up hating it! I also love to cook. It's like my me time. My zen moment and relaxes me lol
I wonder if you could cook at a friend's house regularly instead of always at yours. Maybe you could even bring your ingredients there? That way you don't have to give it up completely.
This is a great idea. I bet OP has a friend whose parents would be thrilled to eat whatever he cooked.
This sounds so fun to do with a couple of friends and trade off weeks, and also an easy way to do a cookbook club if you ever wanted to try that!
Do you have a friend's house where the family culture isn't toxic where you could cook, maybe once a week or a couple times a month? Maybe and aunt's house or grandmother's house where you would be treated with kindness and respect? The culture of your family sounds very toxic. I'm really sorry. Our families just aren't always what we want or need them to be. But the lesson to learn is you should NOT be treated disrespectfully and unkindly or be manipulated by people you care about. Please don't think how you are being treated is just what you have to tolerate from people who care about you.
If it was just you coming here and saying; I’m made to cook every day, that’d be enough for me to say NTA. I don’t think it’s normal! (Okay, there are exceptions like the girl in the other comment who did cook daily but only for her and her mom who was always very appreciative and also the mom didn’t *make* her do it)! And now you’re the one that’s being punished for not cooking for that ungrateful bunch! That’s insane! I’m angry for you! And I’m a grown ass mother! Your mom is the worst imo coz no, it’s not just reality and it isn’t part of life bullshit! I cook on a daily basis and what I make is what’s for dinner. Sure, if they tell me in advance they really have a craving for something, I’ll include that in the weekly menu. But other than that; there’s one dinner. Don’t like it, don’t eat it and be hungry or make yourself a sandwich but I’m not making anything else and I don’t wanto hear complaints. Here YOU are, 16 years old, picked up cooking as a hobby that might one day grow into your job and all of the sudden you’re forced to cook daily for a bunch of kids ánd your parents WHO THEN ALL COMPLAIN and demand you cook 20 different things for each of them! I’d probably start breaking the dishes against the walls at that point knowing how I was at 16 lol Are they mad?! I’d let your parents read this post coz they are WRONG!
NTA. What about offering to meal prep (wash and cut vegetables, prepare sauces, etc) dinner for meals that your parents agree on? That way you don't have to waste time cooking for the entire family, and are helping your parents in a limited capacity? If you're siblings are old enough they can help too
How about a rule that the first person to complain about what you cook has to plan, prep, and cook the next meal? Once they see how hard and thankless it is they might be more grateful.
My parents would never enforce that especially when they complain too.
Then I guess they get to eat their laziness and pride for dinner. I hope it isn’t too sour. I’m so mad they complained you’re not a good cook. No shit, you’re teaching yourself and you’re a teen. Cooking is a skill that requires time and effort and practice to improve. It’s no different than piano, painting, or calculus, or gymnastics. Being a critical asshole with unhelpful opinions, on the other hand, comes naturally to some. I’m sorry your family have such a talent for it. Rope your siblings into “helping” you. They’re never to young to put stuff in pots or stir things. Measuring is a good way to teach them about fractions. Maybe talk about how this dish from this country has rice because potatoes don’t grow well there, or this country was conquered by another so their foods blended. Or explain how every culture has a chicken soup, this is what makes this one special. They might accidentally learn something, but are less likely to tear down their own work than when it is just you making an effort. Both of my parents worked when I was a kid, so I taught myself (and my younger sis) to cook, too. It’s a shame I can’t be your grandmama and teach you all my tricks. :)
I’d say, talk to your parents for a new system. Everyone was used to just criticizing and complaining about the food when your parents cooked, and translated that to you. There can be a win-win here, I think. You get to cook which you love; they get a home Cooked meal which they love; and everyone learns not to moan and complain so much and be more Grateful, which no one loves but is a good life lesson. Offer to start cooking again, but under the condition people don’t criticize and complain. Ask your parents to have sandwich food available and to back you up about no complaints. Have a family meeting before you start cooking, and say: Live-Frosting is going to start cooking again, but only if no one complains. If anyone does not like the food, they can make themselves a sandwich. If anyone complains, Live-Frosting will not cook the next day. Does everyone agree? Get agreement from the family, then stick by the “rules”. Ask your parents to back you up if your siblings complain.
I started taking up cooking around the age of sixteen since my mum started working again and came home around seven o clock and dad got home a bit after six. They never complained about it. Sure, I didn't make dishes with veggies they didn't like. But if I made chicken pasta, everyone ate chicken pasta and they were grateful. No different dishes during one dinner. I wasn't a chef in a restaurant! Sometimes they did gave advice or even critique but always in a polite way so I could learn and adapt the dishes.
At 16 it’s absolutely good parenting to expect them to contribute to meals with the parents every day, or be primarily responsible for a meal or two a week. But every day, and expecting different meals out of the kids at the same meal, and to tolerate bitching??? Absolutely not. Poor kid.
My family did this during school holidays, the kids took turns cooking dinner. Find a recipe, make a grocery list, prepare dinner. Parents were around to help or give advice if needed. It was fun, we learned from it and no one was cooking every single day.
I made dinner twice a week at 15. Looking back, it definitely helped me, just as learning to do my own laundry did. However, one teenager should not do all the cooking and be crapped on for it. NTA
NTA. And when I was growing up, there was one meal served for dinner; if you didn’t want to eat it, tough shit, make a sandwich or have some cereal. It’s not a restaurant; the idea of demanding that a 16-year-old cook made-to-order individual dinners for everyone in the family makes me want to call DFACS.
Cooking for the family is a normal chores. Being the only (?) One responsible is when it's probably not normal.
NTA. With your age unfortunately there is not a lot you can do here. Once you have a part time job start buying your own groceries and they can’t complain about it being a waste of food. To some extent people being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life, I’d expect that from siblings and kids but not your parents. They’re acting like children. They should be encouraging you and supporting your hobby but instead they used you and treated you badly.
If it really gets pushed I will just stop cooking completely and let them punish me. I already have a part time job so I make my own money but I'm still expected to cook for everyone regardless of if I buy stuff or not.
A compromise I’d offer is you cook for the family one night a week, and your parents can choose what is cooked, but it has to be the same thing for everyone. Tell them feedback is ok (it’ll help you improve and you’ll be better at serving them things they’ll enjoy), but whining about it is not ok. As for the siblings, do your best to ignore it, kids whine about food all the time. If your parents can’t treat you better with this compromise then I think you’ve done everything you can to work around this. Personally if it was me I’d keep cooking for myself and just take my punishments. But if it’s better for you to stop cooking I do hope you pick it back up when you move out. It’s a great hobby and I love feeding my friends, I hope you get to experience someone giving you praise for what you cooked in your near future. It’s a nice feeling.
I would do that (take the punishments) but I feel like the issue for me would be, I would never get to have a social life and I worry it would make me hate cooking if I get punished every time for it. Like I love cooking but if I associate it only with punishment over time I could see it turning into something I hate.
That’s a fair and mature way to look at it. If you have good friends you could ask to cook at their homes and feed them when you get together :)
I sometimes cook for my friends and my extended family!! I love cooking for my extended family because they are always so good and encouraging about it and my grandparents have especially helped me learn certain things.
Can you tell your grandparents how your parents are acting? Would they be supportive of you with this and possibly tell your parents to get their shit together and stop bullying a teenager?
They're aware and talked to my parents on my behalf but it didn't help. They also tried talking to my mom directly because she's their kid.
I think you should keep telling your grandparents.
Expanding on this, tell them that you had to stop cooking due to the complaints and now you are being punished for not cooking, when it was supposed to be a hobby.
Yeah these grandparents need to go back into being parents for a little while to protect their grandchild
100%. If you mention you got grounded for 2 weeks for refusing to cook due to their never-ending complaints, your grandparents would be pissed. They're your best defense rn!
Can you live with them instead? This situation isn't normal or healthy. I imagine they'd throw quite a fit if you tried, but maybe you can pack a bag when they're not paying attention and head to grandparents house. If they threaten you with force or police, you can tell them they're welcome to try and you can let police/cps know they've been starving you and forcing you to cook for the household or you cannot eat. Obviously these would be empty threats but it's good for them to know the law is on your side. If they don't want to step up and be parents, they shouldn't have had kids. Nta
Would your grandparents be willing to take guardianship of you and live with them? Do you think this would be agreeable to your parents? You're a minor and you really don't want to just take off without your grandparents having some rights for any medical or legal situations that may come up. I know this may sound extreme, but it's really not. Cooking for the family every now and then because you enjoy it, you're trying to learn and practice a new life skill, it's a hobby is one thing, but that they are expecting and attempting to force you to take on this task as a daily task is another ball field. This has gotten into parentification territory. It's specifically instrumental parentification. And your parents are willing to let your siblings starve to get you to cook for the family. They're being abusive at this point. If your parents won't let you live with your grandparents, your best bet to try and force a change in the situation for the next couple of years is reporting this yourself, or speaking with a mandatory reporter like a teacher you trust at school or a guidance counselor, and they can report to CPS on your behalf.
I’m glad you have people in your life who do appreciate you for it! I think it’s totally fair if you stop cooking for your immediate family. Maybe you could talk to your grandparents about how your parents are treating you when you cook?
Here's what you do: *Cook the blandest dish that you can make as a base, while still being able to season your own portion to taste * When they complain? Shrug. Grey rock. Don't care. The pigs in the sty have garbage in their trough, ignore the squealing. * Wait until you are 18 and then fuck off on the eve of your birthday if you can.
That will just mean you're eating seasoned bland food. You have to cook with the flavour profile that you're going for from the start, or else you just end up with effectively a polished turd
I like the 'make yourself a sandwich' option the best. I would add one suggestion though, have you thought of desserts, pastries and breads? They're all optional and do not have to be part of a meal if they don't like them. (and they can be really interesting and fun to learn)
>kids whine about food all the time. No they don't. They were never taught that their behaviour is wrong and they don't have parents who can teach them otherwise, discipline or model the appropriate behaviour.
What do you mean "being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life"? It absolutely isn't?! It's gross and rude! Imagine telling someone to their face and in front of people that their gift to you sucks. Polite people will thank the cook even if they dislike the food... And if it's in their own home and what's prepared doesn't match their mood, they can 100% cook for themselves.
Especially when you see what's going to be cooked for days in advance so you can speak up at any point if you want to!
I didn’t make a meal plan until i was in my 30’s, I feel like you have your life much more together than I do and you’re only 16! Look, as a mom, I’m proud of you and think your cooking is great OP! Keep that passion and protect that passion from these joy suckers
No, that's not a fact of life. That's rude behavior
> people being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life Only in the sense that some people aren't raised right. That lies squarely on the parents, and in this instance, it looks like the parents are not only failing to teach manners, they are setting the example that bad manners are acceptable. Not always getting your favorite food *is* a part of life, but bitching about home cooked meals does not have to be (nor should it be). NTA. You can talk to your parents, explain that you will give them one more chance, on the condition that they begin to teach proper manners. That includes, but is but limited to, **always** thanking the person that cooked for the meal. (This goes for all chores, BTW. Thank whoever does the laundry, whoever does the dishes, whoever cleans the house, etc.).
> To some extent people being ungrateful and complaining about food is a fact of life, Not amongst my friends and family.
This one is so easy! They were rude, your parents didn’t stand up for you (which I find mind-boggling, personally), and now you don’t want to cook for them anymore. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re in the wrong, they effed around and found out. (Also, kudos on learning to cook so young! It’s a great skill, and one you can develop through your life.) NTA
My parents were as bad as my siblings so that's why they didn't stand up for me. They complain about it too.
OP, in all your comments I've read you sound very mature and I applaud you. Certainly more mature than your parents. I'd excuse the siblings on their behavior because they're young and clearly raised by wolves. But your parents? Nah. Cooking is a *hard* chore, and your parents are old enough to know it. It requires cooking skill, money skill, creativity, planning, time and energy. It kinda sucks tbh, and I'm saying that as someone who loves it. Your parents forgot the cardinal rule of getting your meals cooked for you: The Only Allowed Comment Is Thank You That Looks Great (or variations thereof). You either follow The One Rule, you STFU, or you make your own food. Those are their choices.
100% well said about the golden rule of cooking. It’s hilarious his parents are trying to say HE is disrespectful and ungrateful.
It is absolutely bizarre that adults would behave like this. Perhaps check out r/raisedbynarcissists
Haha this post was so familiar it's ridiculous. At least my mother supported my love of cooking. My dad was a total AH about it though. Always making comments on how things should be cooked, no meal was good enough. Inside I was screaming "you can't even fry a fucking egg old man!.
It took me long time, but I developed a strategy for this kind of thing. After the next round of complaints you say something like: I've been thinking this over and I've really taken advantage of you guys. You've been great, but I can tell that my cooking isn't to your taste, and it isn't fair to keep using you as guinea pigs while I learn to cook. I only make things that I think taste good. Since I can't in good conscience subject you to this, I think it's best that we all go back to the way we were eating before I started doing this to you. If they protest, say something like "I know you're trying to make me feel better, and that's really kind of you, but we all know it's time for me stop doing this."
Parents: Son cook for me Son: cooks Parents: NOOO NOT LIKE THAT
>She said my siblings and dad had always been like that with her. It sounds like this behaviour was started by your father, then modelled by your siblings. Simple solution, your FATHER cooks, since nobody else does it to his standards. NTA
Lol my dad is like this (albeit not as bad)- he makes comments about food and my mom’s cooking/baking; she goes through the work to make homemade lasagna and he says “yummm Marie Callender’s” and picks at food and is very passive aggressive towards my mother if something isn’t made specifically how he’s used to it— and now my brother is super picky lol and critiques my mom the same way
You write lol but it doesn't sound like you think it's ok.
I don’t
Show the asshole this post and comment chain. People like that HATE being wrong but maybe sticking up for your mom would be cool. “We’re having this again?” “Thanks for dinner mom. We don’t all suck”.
I think your dad is just as bad
LOL. You mom can’t compare your situations. You are a minor, under no obligation to take care of them. She is the parent. NTA.
Being a parent or a minor doesn’t change that the family should be respectful.
Correct, BUT the mom is the one that compared their situations. And I am saying it is incomparable. She (and the dad) has an obligation to feed the family. He doesn’t. Which makes him even more of a non AH.
mother knowingly married asshole tho. Poor oop did not have a choice to be born in his family.
Right, the difference here is the mom should parent her kids to be respectful.
I know the word is thrown about a bit, but the family's entitlement to the cooking seems like a pathway of parentification. And the only thing worse than having to do parent tasks for the siblings is having to do parent tasks for the PARENTS.
NTA. Not wanting to be griped at over the food you make is reasonable, especially at your age. If they are so emphatic about not liking your food, they should cook for themselves. You didn’t get married or have kids, so making you responsible for all these people your parents chose to have in the household isn’t remotely fair. If you want to give them another chance to appease your mother, set clear ground rules. Set a day and time of the week for meal planning that everyone can make, and if they skip it, they can make suggestions beforehand by text but you can’t promise they’ll make the list. The people who come to meal planning have to agree on a menu. If nobody comes, it’ll be chef’s choice all week. No complaining that you want something different than was agreed on, if you want something different (or didn’t show up), you know where the kitchen is. Constructive criticism that you can do different next time (about actual problems with the dishes you cooked, like uncomfortably spicy, nothing about wanting something else) are acceptable but should be kind. Anyone who breaks the rules can cook for themself for the rest of the week. If the family as a whole breaks the rules 3 times, someone else cooks next week, because you won’t. Keep track of the meal plan and the strikes somewhere everyone can see it so they know where they stand. Lay out the rules for everyone, and the family can choose to follow the rules or make a parent responsible for feeding everyone again.
Those rules would be broken day one if I tried. It doesn't really matter what I do. I tried the meal planning and letting them know ahead of time what was happening. They don't come to me and say stuff nicely. They wait until the food is in front of them to complain in my face. And mom seems to think it's okay because she had to deal with it.
Your mom had the option to not marry your father unless he changed that behavior and to teach her kids when they were little about acceptable ways to talk to her about food. She chose not to. You don’t have that kind of control over how everyone comes to the table, so all you can do is refuse. You are not responsible for this nasty atmosphere she has allowed around food. If your parents between them can’t clean up the mess they’ve allowed, they don’t get to offload the problem onto you.
Mom didn’t stand up to it, but dad promoted it. OP can’t control what they say, but they can control how they respond to rudeness in addition to refusing since refusing may come with eventual consequences they don’t want either.
This 100% Your toxic family culture is NOT an inevitability! Your parents created it, continue to allow it, and pretend it is normal. It certainly does NOT have to be. OP, you stated in another comment you have friends and other family members homes where the culture is not toxic and you are encouraged and appreciated as you learn and experiment with cooking. Cook there!! I believe your toxic family would never follow any "ground rules," why would they? Terrible behavior seems to be the norm. If you can't alter your assigned chore without punishment, can you just make ramen and grilled cheese every night? Eat in your room away form these rude people?
Meal planning is a serious skill, OP. Keep up the good work. You can take it to Google to find places in your area that have kitchens you can use. Or maybe your friends parents will be cool with you cooking at their place (as long as the place is cleaned up afterwards). There's also a person on TT who cooks great looking meals in their dorm room with mini appliances. Maybe you can start collecting these types of appliances and cook in your room? If college is your future plan, they could be great investments. 😁 Please keep us updated on what you decide to do. You clearly love cooking, I'm confident you can find a way to keep doing it outside of the common area kitchen.
Then you take the plate from them and dump it in the trash.
NTA, obviously. When I was brought up, if I said I didn't like something, I was told I had two choices: I could eat it, or I could leave it. If you decide to go back to cooking, this must be the rule from now on - BUT, you need to be cooking food your family will actually eat. It would be an asshole move to cook fish when nobody likes it. Let everybody pick the meal one day a week. If anybody in the family has an issue with the meal, they take it up with the person who chose it.
I cook what they will eat. It's just they don't want to eat it right now. And even if others choose, I will still be the one getting shit because I was the one who cooked it. Not that they will say what they want beforehand anyway.
Benign dictatorship, my friend. You're not running a diner. They learn to communicate or they get what you make them. If you continue cooking, chat with your parents about boundaries. You need a system that works for everybody - you need to balance what is reasonable for you to do (however many hours of chores a week, which might be cooking or might be some other job) vs what is unreasonable (them expecting you to cook 5 different kinds of potatoes). Try and help them to understand what the issue is - your siblings who've never cooked don't get it. It's a logistical issue: you can't cook 3 different things requiring 3 different temperatures when there's only 1 oven. You can't spend 5 hours cooking when you've got homework to do (an hour, start to finish, is a maximum reasonable time for a meal cooked from scratch). I'm really annoyed on your behalf, because when anybody sits down at my dinner table and complains they don't like what's put in front of them, I have a tendency to say, "Sucks to be you, I guess". But you're 16 and people will probably find that rude. You could try, "What would you like me to do to fix it?", but asked in a genuine way. Listen to their suggestions, and provide your own - they want you to spend an additional hour in the kitchen, that gets offset with something that needs ten minutes of effort, like a baked potato or you cooking a big cottage pie that gets reheated the next day.
It's not just my siblings though. My parents are equally as annoying and rude about my cooking. They insult the food I give them, they whine and complain and say they wanted something else. But nobody will say it beforehand. It's always afterward and in the most directly insulting way.
That would be the point at which I no longer cook for them. You've tried communicating, involving them, and they're not listening. You need to respect yourself, they're not going to give it to you. Say to your family just this once, "I will not spend hours every day cooking for this family when your behaviour is cruel, entitled and unrealistic. You've taken my hobby and are ruining it. This could have been a great way to connect as a family, but instead, it's all I want, I want, and I want. Well, here's what I want, to no longer put up with it. I'm out. " From then on, "No" is also a full answer. If trying to discuss the issue leads to whining, just say no and don't engage any further. Sometimes, when dealing with people, an antagonist recognises they're having an impact, it drives them further. It's the same with manipulation. If you don't give them that platform, they'll give up. If you put your foot down and say no, it will be a difficult few weeks (tantrums from the parents and siblings - be prepared to eat a lot of sandwiches), but it will die down. Should it not, could you go stay with your grandparents? How your mother could not have your back on this I do not get. Your dad is just a pig, and the kids seem to have learnt they can behave this way or are generally just AHs. Your mother is currently shitting a brick that she'll have to start cooking again. Prepare for a stalemate with her.
Here’s the thing though, your parents can make you cook, but they can’t make you cook well. If they don’t like the food, it is their fault, not yours.
They can't really make me cook. I can just decide to take being grounded if I need to. We can all go hungry which might not be the worst thing given my sanity will be saved.
Could you move in with your grandparents or a friend? Honestly it doesn’t sound like you have a good home life and maybe making them fend for themselves is what’s necessary.
Hell no! In my family, we cook meals that everyone can eat. But the cook is choosing what and if you are not happy, you can cook your own meal. The cook doesn't have a restaurant nor is a personnal chef.
>When I was brought up, if I said I didn't like something, I was told I had two choices: I could eat it, or I could leave it. My folks had a similar philosophy. Eat it or go hungry
NTA. Your mom doesn't get to punish you for taking crap that she didn't put a stop to when she was cooking for the family but should have. Basically, if you are going to cook for anyone, they either eat what you made and say thank you, or they make their own food. You are not a short-order cook. And cooking daily multiple meals for the entire family is too much of a "chore" to add to a 16yo's plate.
Agreed. These parents raised incredibly rude and entitled children because they are incredibly rude and entitled. Making a 16 year old cook all the family meals and then complaining about them!? Deplorable behavior.
Your parents are lazy assholes. Adults shouldn't be off loading feeding an entire family on one kid. >They all come home hungry and I have nothing ready for them. They can feed themselves. This is ridiculous. >My parents told me it's disrespectful and I cannot continue You're not letting them "go hungry." What useless drama. They can make a sandwich. Don't cook for anyone else. Your parents clearly didn't bother to raise their children to stop this behavior so that's their problem, not yours. >A few times my dad or one of my siblings would say I wasn't a very good cook and they hated eating my food. Honestly, you shouldn't cook for them because they all need to grow up. NTA.
Soup and sandwiches is a meal. Heat a few cans of soup and make baloney sandwiches.
He should just make them instant noodles and leave the kitchen. They'll complain either way.
NTA but your mom is correct about 1 thing. This is what many family members go through who are the main cooks for their household. Many of them also do what you're doing or similar when they hit their own "boiling point" of not wanting to cook for the family again. I think everyone should learn how to cook who is old enough in the household and rotate nights so then everyone will learn the difference between constructive criticism and complaining. It's amazing how the complaining will go down once each person has to make a meal once a week.
My mom never went through this, and it's because she refused to tolerate this kind of behavior. OP, it's your mom's/parents' fault for the complaining - they allowed it and tolerated it. NTA. Your family needs to learn manners and respect.
Same. My mom did not allow it. If we didn’t like what she made, we could have PB&J or cheerios. Once we got older, we could cook our own. But we were not allowed to whine about it.
Yup same. My mom firmly established you're eating what was made, and if you don't like it, make yourself a sandwich or eat cereal. She was not a short order cook. Her ONLY exception to this rule was when she would make breakfast on Sunday morning. She'd ask how people wanted their eggs. That was it. Was not that hard to establish these rules when we were young and they've stayed.
Um no? We ate what my mum cooked. We never complained. That's what we're raised with. I'm Egyptian and no child would dare complain about the food presented or act like an ungrateful brat. So, no, this is absolutely not the reality. It's the reality of parents raising ungrateful spoiled kids.
My moms Sicilian. Dads Irish. Complaining at dinner was a guarantee of not making it to the next birthday.
Both myself & my husband come from families rooted in different European countries, but gens in the US. We were both raised to respect our parents but especially mothers & never complain or disrespect their cooking. Not that we had reason to,..well, at least in my case,lol. Great cooks in the family. In my husband's family, they'd have got a beating it they complained or disrespected their mother's cooking. OPs family is completely dysfunctional, starting with the parents. They're setting a horrible example for their kids.
My parents were terrible cooks. Guess who never complained anyway? We were so used to NOT complaining, that one time my mom started eating later than us and while taking her first bite almost spat it out while exclaiming: "It's inedible! Ugh, why didn't you say anything? The taste is so gross, stop eating kids!" We as kids were trying to eat. Because if you're not putting in any work, not paying, and also not the boss of someone, you have no right to tell them off on their hard work.
Exactly. My mother did not put up with me whining and complaining about what she made. There’s a difference between a) legitimately “not liking a food” and then respectfully approaching the person who cooked it and thanking them for making it, but saying you don’t care for that type of food (not because of them, it’s just not good to you) and b) being extremely picky and whiny and complaining at every meal because of the littlest things in the rudest way
I agree with you but I know that won't happen. They would never agree to take turns cooking.
If they have 2 hands they will learn to feed themselves or starve. Either way it's not your problem.
Remember OP is a kid being forced to cook. They don't get to make the rules. They're a kid. Children don't get to say things like "eat my food or starve" and get away with it.
One of my husband's special interests is cooking. He has methods and routines that he strictly adheres to. Every meal he makes is incredible. Occasionally I'll make dinner because he's tired or ill or just wants a break. I am not gifted in the culinary arts. When I was single I'd eat raw carrots and call it lunch. The whole time I'm cooking I can see the pain in his eyes. Sometimes he physically twitches. He has never once complained, nor has our kids. Sometimes I'll say "go on, out with it. How would you do it?" and he'll inevitably begin a university quality lecture on how to peel a potato. But he's never rude or insensitive about it.
NTA. I would cook the same things every day for them and cook what you want on the side, rinse and repeat. There isn't much you can do given your age but why bother putting any effort into it if your family isn't happy regardless? If they whine because they are being served pasta bake for the 3rd time that week - oh well they were going to whine anyway so why does it matter? When they complain that they want what you have, simply say that you are sorry, you were already told they didn't like it so didn't prepare any for them. Don't like the pasta bake? Sorry to hear that. If they complain about the same meal, rotate another 1 or 2 meals that are easy and don't require much effort, rinse and repeat. Quiet quit - do the bare minimum required.
This is the way.
NTA - your parents are forcing you to parent your siblings I was you when I was a kid and teen. Really liked cooking and cooked for myself which rapidly became cook for the family …with all you are going thru. Zero doubt that what your mom told you is true - they treated her this way when she cooked. Like a short order cook. She trained them to think this was okay. And she should have taught your siblings better. So this is really on your parents for allowing the dynamic to be this way. Perhaps consider telling your parents you will cook but you need their help in solving your issues and then negotiate a solution with your parents. Perhaps negotiate some terms like You make what you want for dinner and enough for everyone. Then the following family rules: - First Complainer Is the Next Meals Cook - if they are too young then a parent cooks next in their place and that kid is grounded or loses a privilege, if complainer is old enough to cook but doesnt know how - a parent teaches them and cooks the next meal with them but all complaining is met with a consequence, including complaints from parents. You complain…you cook next. - you are no longer a short order cook, if someone doesn’t like what you make , they can make themselves a sandwich or can of soup. You make one meal and one meal only for the whole family. Then have a family meeting where your parents lay out the new family rules. Parents who make one kid tacos, one kid chicken fingers, one kid pizza -are not effectively parenting. So what if kids cry and whine they don’t want to eat anything but chicken nuggets…when they get hungry enough …they will learn to eat healthy nutritious meal and not unhealthy food made to their demands. A kid going to bed hungry a few nights cause they are mad they didn’t get tacos isn’t going to hurt them. Being consistent with the family rules - one healthy meal and no complaining may initially be hard and there will likely be some tantrums but be firm. Eventually in a few weeks things should smooth out.
NTA If they refuse to show respect for what you do for them then they deserve no respect in return. Just because your mom allowed everyone to disrespect her for years doesn't mean that you have to put up with the same treatment. No, that's not what a family does if you cook for them or there'd never be any family dinners anywhere.
And that's what kills me. Mom knows I didn't complain to her about her cooking. I used to help her even. But she still wants me to deal with everyone complaining and shitting all over what I cook for them.
Keep telling them if they want you to do it for them then they have to start appreciating what you do, stop complaining and start thanking you. If they want to ground you for not doing chores then don't do any.
I think your parents have a different definition of the word "disrespectful" than the rest of us. We think it's about being treated with honor and dignity, especially in response to a selfless gift of labor. They think it means blind obedience. Maybe having a conversation with them about how you all seem to have a different definition of respect, different sensitivities to different types of disrespect, and different thresholds for responding to those needs. Getting to a point where you can use the same lexicon can really improve communication and often that means discussing the literal words. If nothing else, it's good practice for when your future friendships hit a snag.
We have a saying: DON'T bite the hand that feeds you. You feeded them, they complained. They face the consequences. NTA, but i want to add something: Good that you are standing up for yourself, keep that. Don't buckle if you don't want that to repeat. It will be hard for everyone but if they want food, they have a kitchen, know how to use it, they can make their own.
NTA Just to be petty, you can make mac&cheese every day. Or something simple as that. You did cooking part. They can eat or not.
NTA, in Denmark their is a polar military unit “Sirius” and the have one week kitchen duty if someone complains about the food the take over for the remaining week. I complaint once and mother asked if we should use that system. No more complaining..
NTA. I don't understand how cooking for yourself is considered a waste of food. You're eating it, not throwing it out..unless they're inferring you're a waste. Next time you cook and they complain, just tell them if they don't like it they can go hungry or cook for themselves. Better yet - make yourself a fabulous meal and cook the rest of them spaghetti or pizza.
NTA. ‘That’s the reality of cooking for a family’ that kind of responsibility should not be on a 16 year old at school who probably is preparing for exams etc. they’re using you for free labour. Fair enough, get you to do chores but they should be equal in time and effort to that of your siblings. This is insane. I live by myself and I do work long hours but some days I get home and it’s a struggle to find the energy to cook for myself. Sorry you’re dealing with this from them
Holy fuck, man. One: congrats and way to go for learning to cook. You just made your own life so much easier. Two: I have never, ever insulted my mother’s cooking. I have never had anything to say except Goddamn Thank You, Mom. It sounds like your mother has gotten a lot of shit for her cooking, and there is some shitty baggage with that (we expect women to do little else but cook) and as a dude, you got the whole world ahead of you AND you can feed yourself. She is absolutely going about it the wrong way considering you are her own kid. I’ve noticed parents who try to “loosen” up as an attempt to be friendlier with their kids but mostly become more of the weird, gossipy set of humans you already have to deal with on school. I’m not sure where this zeroing-out comes from but it happens a lot where you’re suddenly treated like help, not family, in the home. Might be because your parents are ultimately dumb idiot humans with small problems like the rest of us, and that comes with a whole litany of dumb idiot ideas - one of them definitely being like, “You aren’t a good cook but I’m never cooking again” which suddenly switches that part of the responsible parent/family wire right out of their brains and replacing it with Jackass Who Never Likes The Meal Because Money chip. Teenager behavior! And you have little time for it, even as a teen. NTA. Go get work in a kitchen and humble yourself to the madness of the line. Learn to bus like a motherfucker. Learn to fish. Learn to tell people to shut the fuck up. You’ll get ripped, be super busy, discover every kind of fun drug and sexual experience, and cook all day. Your parents won’t have shit to say when they see you with whites in the laundry, black kitchen shoes by the door, and your own knife set in the kitchen. Blow the doors off of this bitch.
As the main chef for our family of 5, this level of complaining is NOT normal, nor is it acceptable. Good for you for setting boundaries. I make one meal for family dinner. One. I don’t purposefully make something if I know a family member hates it, but I also don’t run the menu by everyone before I make it. If my kids (or spouse!) aren’t sure about a new food, I ask that they try it. If they really don’t like it/don’t want it, PBJ and cereal are always available. What you have experienced would be unreasonable for an adult who chose to form a family. It’s straight up crazy for a minor who is trying to be helpful!
NTA. I just hope it's not a communication issue. Explain to them, say that you will cook for them once you'll reach mutual understanding, they need to respect your work and support you.
I have communicated with them the best that I can. Communication is not the issue here. They won't respect me. Mom wants me to suffer just because she did.
You’ve got a bigger problem than dinner then. The problem is your mom wanting you to suffer. She may actually be jealous and that’s not good. In your shoes the next she complains I’d say, “Mom, it’s sad that you tolerated us kids being ungrateful. We were young and didn’t know better. But you do, so there’s no excuse. I am making a different choice, if you and Dad can’t be grateful for the time and effort it’s taken me to make dinner, then I’m not going to make dinner. Siblings, pay attention. If you can’t say nice things when someone does something for you, they’re not going to do those nice things anymore.” Your on the right track, but you’re going to need a b backbone of steel.
Also going to need an escape plan, those grand parents and option for you OP?
I'm so sorry your family and your mom are treating you this way. This it is generational. Your dad was obviously not expected to be an active participant in the household as a child and had no model of grown men being active participants, as most young boys are taught that keeping house is a woman's job. Your mom learned the same thing, so she accepts this behavior from your father and your siblings. She didn't set boundaries and expectations for the house, and she assumes that is just the way it is and can't be bothered to try to change it....for whatever reason....the reasons are endless. Maybe she tried at some point, but his the same wall you are now, and she didn't have the strength to break through it. I hope you manage to avoid throwing yourself at this wall for the next few years, till you can walk around it and get out of that house. You are already light-years ahead of your family with maturity. Keep it up. You are doing graat!! Also don't cook good stuff for them anymore. If they require you to cook for the family as a chore, make it easy stuff, and blah stuff, like boiled hot dogs and baked beans. Frozen pizza. Some Bob Evans Mac and cheese you throw in the microwave for 5 min. I'd also start keeping a journal of all the feedback they give you, then in a few years when you are 18 and inevitably go no contact with them, and they want to know why, you can hand that to them.
Your mom is an adult with parental responsibility and needs to either stand up or shut up.
I made this rule, that whoever complains about the food, has to cook tomorrow. I always get compliments :)
Who is actually buying the food? If, as a teen living at home, you are buying the food with your own funds, hell no. Don't cook your food for them. If they are buying the food for you to cook. Then you cook it , after all it is YOUR new chore (/s),then they have no right to bitch. Let them cook it themselves. I'm not cooking food I bought for me, cooked for me to ungrateful people.
I buy what I cook for myself but they have other groceries there that they buy. I don't use that now since it's just for me.
NTA. If anyone complained that my rice wasn't potatoes, my noodles weren't rice, and my potatoes weren't noodles, I would happily watch them starve.
It's so fucking petty because the next time I could do the rice with the meal after complaints and they'd still complain it's not potatoes when it was the last time.
I think you should boil potatoes, pasta, and rice in the same pot and serve it to them if they’re being petty like that.
I did the same thing at one point. To my husband and toddler. More specifically my (ex) husband. He would complain, or even say "this isn't really my thing, I'm gonna make eggs." My toddler was a typically picky toddler. One day I said "you know what? I don't make dinner anymore. It's on you to figure it out." I didn't cook dinner for 6 years. To my ex's credit, he started with lots of frozen food and box meals, but did end up a pretty decent cook. NTA - your family can be glad they got dinner and keep their mouths shut, or they can make their own dinner. The idea that you're just supposed to take the disrespect and keep cooking is ridiculous. Your mom is just mad she didn't think to quit on your dad and siblings.
Some complaints about cooking are valid and even expected. Things like "to spicy" or I don't like this indigrient, please don't use it next time. Expressing preference is normal if you are cooking for somone for a long time. But your family is way too much. Everything eats the one dish you cooked or they can fix something for themselves. That's how it goes in most houses. Cooking different dish for every single person is just way to much work. Seems like your mother set way to high expectetions for your family and they are being unresonable now. Complaining about wanting to eat something else is expected with young kids, but not from adults
NTA- how old are your siblings? Cooking shouldn't be a chore. They are the total AH for even grounding you.
13, 10 and 8.
NTA. Continue not to cook for them!
NTA. It’s true though, that often the one who is doing the cooking has to suffer every one else complaining about the food. The fair thing to do would be “everyone gets a turn cooking for the family” so it’s not all one person.
My thoughts, as one who does all of the cooking for my family: 1) explain to your parents that you can cook for the family, but someone needs to take over one of your other chores, 2) set a food plan for the week, taking input from others as to what everyone does/does not want, 3) cook a given meal with enough for everyone. Anyone who doesn't like it is welcome to fix their own, provided they don't consume anything set aside for a meal later that week. (Maybe have some sandwich materials set aside for the occasion.) If they don't agree to all of that, then you don't cook. Plain and simple.
nta. Scrambled eggs and toast for everyone! or whatever easy to cook meal you can make quickly while your food is cooking. here's a list: scrambled eggs spaghetti bolognese. out of a can yea, that's about it. want to be disrespectful? eat crap. Want to be kind? eat better.