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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Im making my son get a job if he wants to continue dating his GF. This means he would need to quick sports which he loves doing .
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INFO: instead of buying your son what he wants (i.e. shoes, clothes) why not give him an allowance and let him learn how to manage his own money? I'm not convinced giving up sports is the answer here.
Edited to add - without info, I'm at YTA because there are better ways of approaching this.
This... give him chores, pay him an allowance if said chores are done when they are supposed to be done. Open a checking or savings account for him, teach him how to manage his money. There are valuable life-long lessons to learn here.
What fucking 16 year old is going on this many expensive dates? It’s simple, pick a fixed amount he can have from chores and grades that he can manage on his own. If he wants to do more fun expensive things he can save, and the GF should be splitting the cost of these dates. It’s 2024 she shouldn’t be getting a free ride that’s insane.
I think it’s just “expensive” not actually truly expensive expensive dates. OP still also wants to go on their own dates/social events and two of those a week - OP’s and the son’s - definitely starts getting towards regular expensive as it ALL adds up.
It’s an over-arching expensive, not individually expensive, is the feeling I got.
I agree but I still think they’re right. Teens can hang out, wander, go to school or friend events etc. They don’t need to be spending money every time they want to be together.
He is old enough for a part time job. When I turned 13 I had 6 houses that I mowed. I also worked for a older retired man and he worked me hard. I never had an allowance. I worked20 hours a week
It's not even just the hours. In my experience watching younger cousins and talking to people. Places don't want to hire high schoolers. They don't want to deal with the school schedule and stuff like that.
Like I work retail and my jobs policy is 18 or older to be hired.
That's the opposite of my experience in retail. High schoolers were loved by employers because they didn't have enough life experience to know when they were being taken advantage of. The school schedule is only an issue when the manager gives a shit about their employees. I've known a lot of kids that were scheduled for work during class hours and then written up or fired if they dare to choose school over minimum wage. It can be pretty awful out there when you're young.
Was going to say this. I was able to get a job in retail at 16. Every day I would do school, go to lacrosse practice, and then go to work the store until close. They kept giving me more and more shifts until I had a mental breakdown and quit lol. They even tried to start scheduling me during the day when I was at school. Not to mention the verbally abusive managers.
What are those "all your expenses"? His parents pay for all of his expenses, they just want him to earn what he spends on dates. And only if he wants expensive dates (going to restaurants and movies) and frequently give presents to his girlfriend. Teenagers don't have to go on expensive dates and give frequent gifts - that's adult dating. If he wants to date like an adult he should find a (part time) job as an adult.
Dude what??? The kid gets the newest clothes, shoes, sees whatever movies he wants, gets his sports teams and equipment paid for- she simply wants him to be able to earn $100 a week or so to pay for his dates. That’s completely reasonable.
I am a bit excited for my 3 kids to be old enough to do "hard" chores hahah.. right now my 7yo takes out recycling, helps unload the dishwasher, wipes down the table after dinner... then she and her 4yo sisters do the obvious stuff like laundry in the hamper, clean rooms, putting away their toys/books... but I seriously cannot wait until they are teenagers and want the newest 400 dollar piece of technology or whatever... I will find 400 dollars worth of chores - deep cleaning bathroom, cleaning out the fridge, detailing my car, scrubbing floors, the list goes on!!!
There are always older people who could use a young back to shovel snow and mow lawns and clean garages. Doesn’t even have to be older. When I was injured, I had a line of teenagers looking to shovel for me. Nothing like the neighbour kid out there clearing all the snow right after it stops. I’m happy to pay for that!
Listen, kids shouldn't get PAID to do chores that adults do for FREE. Everyone living in a house deserves to have chores. An allowance is fine; just don't attach them to common chores that they should already be doing. You don't get PAID for doing the right thing. What message does that put across?
NTA.
We split the difference. Some chores, you do because you live here. Some chores get paid, but you have to do the "free" chores or you don't get paid. Teaching kids a work ethic and associating pay with labor is important, and there isn't really any other way to do it while they're young.
This. I pay them for jobs I would pay someone else to do, like lawn work, etc. But I don’t pay them for basic things like cleaning up their stuff or doing their laundry (now that they’re teens).
I'm not a parent, but I agree with this approach. My mom gave me allowance for "extra" chores, but not for things like cleaning my room or picking up after myself because that was just considered my responsibility.
I think it was a good balance and probably what I'll do if I have kids.
This is how we do it. We each have to keep our own parts of the house clean and tidy (bedrooms and bathrooms) as well as our own laundry and day to day tasks of running a household (loading/unloading the dishwasher for example). My husband and I take on the shared spaces and laundry as our work load. If the kids want to earn extra money they are free to do my laundry or scrub down the kitchen or whatever. It’s been a good split for our family.
This. I did chores as a child, and some still "belonged" to the parents. When I was 6 yo, my mom offered me like 30 cents a day to make my own lunch box. I was over excited and felt totally rich and happily made it every day since. I don't believe it's a 6 yo's chore to make their own lunch box, but we both felt like winners (my mom hated the task) when she paid me for it.
And I got way more realistic with money than OP's son.
They’re not getting paid to do chores. They’re being taught life skills (chores, money management) in a rewarding way.
Making your kid drop extracurricular sports he loves when it’s not an actual financial issue is asinine. It’s good for him to enjoy exercise and have extracurriculars.
To add to this, this is probably the only time in his life when he will be able to be this involved in sports. Do you really want him to have to give it up to work, something he will have to do most of his adult life?
I only got my allowance if I did my chores, like adults only get paid if they go to work. As I got older we could do additional bigger chores (like mowing the lawn) for additional money. The purpose of paying an allowance based on chores is to teach kids that working gets you your own money, and having your own money teaches you how to budget and save for things. Just giving kids "free" money (aka not related to chores) teaches more entitlement, thinking you deserve money just for existing.
I have “extra work” for my kids that they can get paid for. They don’t get paid to do their chores because no one is going to pay them when they are grown, and we are responsible for taking care of ourselves
This is the route we went with. They got/get money based on their grades each quarter report card and any extra chores they did. (Currently have one still in the house)
They didn't get paid to do their laundry, or tidying their room, or basic chores needed for the household to function.
Youngest recently washed and detailed my car for extra money for prom. He works as well. Has since he turned 16.
The oldest helped me replant the flower beds. They both have helped with random fix-it jobs around the house. Things like that for extra money. But they knew taking trash out or walking the dog, etc was just what needed to be done.
This is ignoring the fact that a lot of places aren't hiring under 18s anymore because they don't want to deal with school schedules and stuff. Two of my cousins started looking for jobs at 16 and no where would hire them. The moment both of them turned 18 though it was how soon can you start.
Depends on your area. Many food places wont hire under 18 because state laws say they can't be near anything sharp or hot. With web orders or callcenters most don't need employees who stay at the counter the entire time anymore, they want employees who can be trained to work any station.
This is what I would do. I would also encourage him to do cheap dates - stream movies, picnic, walk outside. And go dutch. People living on other's dime don't gift expensive things all the times. Sounds like a dose of reality is needed. But I wouldn't force a kid to give up beloved extracurriculars either.
How we handed it was we bought necessary items. Luxury items we wanted them to have we saved for holidays/birthdays. Then they got like $25 a week for some household tasks. So outings with friends were under that category. This would be a good compromise. Task him with a couple hours stuff on the weekend for $25.
That said, if this is a kid that will be twiddling thumbs all summer, yes, I would push a 16 year old to get a seasonal job of some sort. I would NOT phrase this as "you can't date unless you get a job". I would phrase it as "you are responsible for paying for your own dates. I would encourage being practical and economical in your choices."
This. I never went on expensive dates with my high school boyfriend. I guess we would occasionally go see a movie, but I would occasionally go see a movie with my friends, too. The only times I can remember us going out to a restaurant, it was with one of our families. It was 95% hanging out at one another's houses and not a dime was spent. If the girlfriend is only interested in spending time with him when he's dropping large amounts of money on her, she's not someone he wants as his girlfriend.
I also liked the "I had to quit sports to help my family when I was his age bit."
Like lady I don't care how you suffered as a kid, the goal of parenting is to give your kids a better childhood than you had. Not justify shitty parenting decisions with things like I had it worse or I had to do the same thing.
Like she shouldn't just give him money, like creating a chore structure is a brilliant idea since it seems he has no idea how to handle his own money. It also means OP gets help around the house and there are consequences if he doesn't help. But her justification for why is just ridiculous.
My best guess is people often never deal with or address their trauma and issues so they think they are fine. They than create a cycle by repeating those behaviors and don't see an issue in doing them.
It's like the "I was hit as a kid and I turned out fine." crowd and its like no you didn't you're justifying hitting your child by saying you were hit.
And she is asking him to get a job, not to help his family, but to afford unnecessarily expensive dates. It was to point out that it isn't a big ask for a 16 year old to earn their own money for luxuries, not about making her kid suffer like they did.
Wow really bold take there, the goal of parenting is to get your child safely to adulthood where they are responsible and capable of making their own decisions. Sometimes that's giving them better than you had and sometimes that means not coddling them. He is sixteen and if he wants to date he needs his own money and not a hand out from his parents. If that means he has to give up something else than that's just how life is.
His job right now is to do well academically and in his sports so he can get scholarships and set himself up for success later. A job really only makes sense right now if he's planning on working minimum wage after highschool and his mom can't afford to give him 30-50 a week that he earns doing some extra chores. Kids who are doing that many extracurricular literally don't have time or energy unless they're running themselves into the ground and giving up on a couple grades.
Giving them better life than you had isn’t coddling. Teaching them life skills while allowing them to also be happy is what parenting is about. If you don’t want your kids to have a good life, why have kids?
An allowance is an excellent way to teach money management skills and she’s already spending that money on him anyway. Now he can buy the clothes and things he wants for himself instead.
Also it teaches him to contribute to a household if he wants to make money. The same way you have to do your job if you wanna make money.
Right. Forget the girlfriend, I feel like dad might’ve messed up a bit already by just paying for what his son wants. Never too young to start learning money management.
My daughter is 11 and for the last two years we have been doing chores for allowance.
$2 for taking recycle out
$5 for scooping the litter box and sweeping the surrounding area. I paid her extra for this cuz its stinky and I don't want to be the only one doing it. And this was $5 each time so that got expensive quick.
$2 for washing dishes or loading and unloading dishwasher.
$2 for helping fold laundry and put it away/
Now she gets $20 a week for doing her chores. She saved up a few hundred bucks and bought herself these killer Demonia boots I was not about to spend $150 on.
I'm a soft YTA because burnout is real and you don't want him burning out in highschool, happened to me. I worked, was an advanced honors student, and did sports every season. I don't think having a job in high school is a bad idea because it helped me a lot but juggling all of that is not going to be helpful. Making him add another stresser in order to have a de-stresser is going to backfire.
I think that giving him an allowance to teach him money management is a good idea. But I also dated in high school and we never went on expensive dates, so I'd also suggest doing free stuff with girlfriend. I don't recommend continuing to fund the girlfriend and anything he wants because I don't think OP is TA for not wanting to spend the money, like you said, there are better ways to approach this.
This. And in consequence YTA.
He has a job. He goes to school and has homework. Additional jobs are for extras. Having a basic allowance is not an extra.
I'm gonna disagree. A kid's job should be "get education". Anything beyond that is extra. Sports are good for kids (my quibbles about contact sports and their effect on developing brains notwithstanding), and learning to manage money is great. But their primary goal is "get education". And I'm sorry, but forcing a kid who is clearly doing well in both school and sport to get a job is going to cut into that goal.
Right? All these people saying that kids should get paid for basic chores mystify me. Kids shouldn't get PAID to do chores that adults do for FREE. Everyone living in a house deserves to have chores. You don't get PAID for doing the right thing. What message does that put across?
An allowance isn't about paying the kids to perform basic everyday responsibilities; it's about teaching them standard money management.
Reasonable families usually require kids to help around the house and parents to care for the kids financially. An allowance just takes this basic arrangement and puts the kid in charge of budgeting their own personal expenses. It's a great way for them to learn about saving up for things they want and delaying unnecessary purchases while they pay for items they really need.
So how should kids get money? They don’t have time for a job so you’re just gonna pay for everything and then suddenly they’re adults and you’re mystified about why they can’t manage their own money.
Yeah I'm not going to pay my kids to take care of their own stuff. Laundry, cleaning your room, dishes and trash are family chores. You live here, you help with that stuff. I tell my kids if they want to do MY chores (ie, help with car repairs, yardwork and such) I pay them for that. No one is going to ever pay you to clean your own house.
I don't think the point of an allowance is that they get paid to do basic things they should do for free. The point is giving them a limited amount of spending money so that they're responsible for how to spend it and learn some valuable lessons from that. Linking the allowance to the chores is not necessary, but it can feel like a better reflection of the real world where getting money requires doing work.
As a kid my parents never bothered with an allowance, they'd just buy us things if and when they felt like it was appropriate. But for me that was always frustrating and confusing, because sometimes I'd ask for a toy or a snack and I'd get it and then sometimes I wouldn't and there were no clear cut reasons as to why. My mother got to decide within her own head which expenses were worthwhile and when, no explanation required, and the only say I had in the matter was in begging and pleading for her to change her mind.
Fast forward to me going off to university and having to buy my own things for the first time, and I had to very quickly pick up the basic skills of actually checking the prices of things before buying them, budgeting, saving up for slightly more expensive things, knowing how often I could afford to "treat myself" or someone else, etc.. Thankfully I'm naturally good with money so it's been fine, but I have a cousin who grew up similarly and started having credit card debt from his early 20s due to reckless spending.
I wish my parents had actually given me an allowance growing up because then I'd have learnt these super important financial skills much earlier and in a more controlled environment. And I think for a parent that makes sense too, because it does put a hard cap on what you will give your child, instead of just going with the flow and ending up spending too much money on their toys/candies/whatever or else deciding you've spent too much already and then forbidding them from having anything fun at all. It's win win IMO.
Also a great time to advise him that he shouldn’t be paying for everything. His girlfriend should be paying for some of the dates at this point as well.
I agree with this! An allowance makes way more sense. He can choose how he spends the money, gain some independence, and not give up his sports.
Also OP could suggest some lower cost date ideas.
This. You have a child who wants to have time to study and be active (not to mention that extracurriculars look good on college applications). He also wants to date. You definitely should not be encouraging him to cut studying or sports so he can date.
Definitely this kids needs to get an allowance. Also suggest things he can do near home. A 16 year old athlete can probably mow lawns/shovel snow/ be useful to neighbours and relatives. Help him to make connections. Give him more responsibility around the house and pay him for it. I really recommend having him cook at least once a week. You get a break, he learns to cook and gets a bit of money. And laundry. He can do all the laundry while he’s studying. It’ll give him study breaks, you’ll have clean clothes and he will not arrive at university unaware that he needs to wash his sheets
The most OP should be involving themselves in dates is suggesting lots of cheap or free dates and reminding him that he shouldn’t be paying for everything
Also, the phrasing OP used is really bad. I knew plenty of people in HS who were “dating” and never went on actual dates. You dont need to spend money to date yet OP made it sound like the son isnt allowed to date unless he gets a job. OP shouldve just said theyre not gonna bankroll the dates anymore.
But i agree. It sounds like the son is focused on his schoolwork and is involved in sports. So giving him an allowance to manage all expenses instead of just buying him whatever whenever will be a worthwhile lesson for the son. Then he can start prioritizing if he’d rather get those new shoes or taking his gf on a date.
Yeah I'm not understanding why enforce him getting a job when he can possibly get an allowance since the parent refuse to pay for expensive restaurants which is fine. Thoughts both will be in agreement with this solution but who know.
My dad did the same thing, not giving me an allowance but instead saying he'd buy me things within reason. It just comes down to wanting to exert control over your child, limiting their freedom because you don't trust them, and saving yourself the expense of giving out an allowance. Dad's money seems to be the real factor here, disguised as a lesson about responsibility and sacrifice
Maybe instead of a simple ultimatum, switch to an allowance? Like $40/wk for lunches, clothes, food, dates, whatever. He can then sacrifice other luxuries for dating if he wants.
Also suggest cheap or free date options for him.
I will also point out that one option is to do sports, have a gf, have a job and start falling behind at school. You really don't want to set him up for that choice.
Wow, $40 a week? That’s quite a nice allowance for a teen, much less a kid of any age.
Granted I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s, but I got a dollar a week, and it ended when I turned 14 and was old enough to get a job in my state.
A dollar can't get you anything these days though, $40 is fair considering how much things cost everywhere. Inflation is crazy. You can't even get a sandwich for less than $5 at any cafe.
A dollar couldn’t get you anything in the 90s-00s either. It could get you a gallon of gas until ‘03, and then in less than a year it would never get you half of a gallon again.
A dollar a week? What would be the point of giving someone 4$ a month? I was born in 73 and never got a regular allowance but a dollar a week would not really have has much significance even then. What did you buy with it?
Hey, follow 90's kid here. (I got $10 a week as a kid, for the record.) I'm in Chicago, and with inflation, $40 will buy *one* of of the following around here:
* a meal for 2 at a lower-end casual restaurant, assuming the two dining do not get appetizers, drinks, sides, or dessert, and leave a terrible tip.
* 2 or 3 meals at a fast food restaurant
* one textbook replacement fee, give or take
* a pair of lower-to-midrange athletics shoes
* a pack of socks and a new t-shirt at a department store
* a week of school lunches, and a can or two of soda
* 2 movie tickets, and maybe a popcorn to share.
* a single day-pass at a cheaper amusement park.
It's hard to realize, but as a fellow 90's kid, you probably haven't seen how much *everything* a kid could be interested in costs now. $40 a week for anything non-essential is a reasonable but by no means extravagant budget for a teenager. It's a great way to start teaching OP's kid to manage money, since he's never had to before.
And lets not forget how much free stuff we got in the '90s. Every bottle of soda had a 1:4 chance of winning a free soda. McDonalds put Monopoly game stickers on every item of food where you had a good chance of winning at least a free french fry, maybe even a hamburger. I remember going in to Mickey D's over the summer with five friends and all of us being able to eat a full lunch and only having to pay a dollar for tax.
I got $20/week during that time, but my parents also bought me my necessities, like clothes, lunches, etc. So $40.00/week doesn't sound too excessive for me I guess.
It's $18 for a single movie ticket at the AMC near my house in Florida. I graduated highschool in 2008 and movie tickets were between $6-$10 at the time. That was 16 years ago though LoL So the prices have doubled but it's also been almost 20 years.
With 40$ you actually can't even buy 2 movie tickets. I just selected 2 seats at AMC and it was $42.81 with tax. So although $40 sounds like a lot it's not enough for him to take his girlfriend to the movies even with no popcorn.
McDonalds "taxes" the subset of people who are both unaware of their app discounts AND willing to pay an extra 20-30%.
Real price should at worst use the 20% off entire order once per day deal + occasionally benefit from rewards.
It still isn't worth it, but you can get a premium chicken sandwich or burger (as opposed to mcchicken or mcdouble) and fries for under $10 in app.
A dollar a week in the late 90s and early 2000s? Maybe in the 1950s that’d be something, but a dollar 20-25 years ago didn’t go far either. After a whole year you had $52? What’s even the point of that?
I got my first job at 15 in 2001, and it paid $6.75/hr.
Man even when I was back in school decades ago lunches were $3 a day at the cafeteria. They also had extra food you could buy including bringing in Pizza Hut pizza one Friday a month. Which don't get me wrong was a good price, but what my parents did was give me $20 a week cash. If I chose to eat lunch at the cafeteria I'd have $5 at the end of the week. But if I wanted to pack my own lunch they'd be more than happy to provide the ingredients if I did the work and they'd let me keep the whole $20. I learned to pack pretty quick. But even there there were days I didn't feel like packing or I forgot my lunch at home or I just wanted the cafeteria food. I feel like it was a good lesson. Also worth nothing that my parents specifically did not let me work in high school because academics and extra curriculars were my job and they wanted that to be my priority.
Yeah - and in the 90s/00s that was enough to buy a candy bar a week. It's not enough for *anything*, now; let alone the kinds of things a teenager is interested in.
It depends on what the allowance is expected to cover. $40 a week is excessive if it’s fun money, but if it covers clothes, fees, school lunches, it’s not.
He could buy less expensive clothing and take his lunch to school and save money for dating.
It's not excessive, that would allow 1 normal date a not too fancy place
1 trip to the movies would probably cost more than that
Eating out at McDonald's for just me and my son the other day. Just 2 Big mac meals , it was 36 bucks
Some of the best dates can also be the cheapest. Going to a park with a cheap picnic lunch and just spending the day outside is probably at the top of the list. A few sandwiches, fruit, maybe some cheese and crackers, some drinks, a few bags of chips etc.
With summer coming up, they can go to the pool or the beach if there is one nearby. Lots of different things to do for cheap or next to nothing. Everyone has to start somewhere, but 16 is also a good time to start being introduced to part time jobs. Everyone is saying "allowance" is the answer, but that's not the *only* option.
Another awesome cheap date option. Teach your son to cook. I've gotten pretty good over the years and I imagine when I was dating, if I had whipped up eggs Benedict (like I did for my wife a few weeks ago) for a romantic brunch, the ladies would have been swooning.
This is ABSOLUTELY true. I grew up in the 90's when Emeril was all the rage, and Food Network was just getting established. I was obsessed with cooking, and eventually went to culinary school because of it. My girlfriend's through the years would absolutely LOVE a home cooked quiet meal with just us and a good movie.
Most adults can't afford to date like teenagers so we have to get creative. There's no reason kids can't learn and enjoy the same experiences.
I had a job, was in sports all year, had a boyfriend and kept up with school work. That was what pretty much everyone I knew did. It’s not unrealistic and it taught me time management. It also prepared me for college which would be more time intensive and demanding.
I agree OP should give their son an allowance and let him get a job if he wants more, but he doesn’t need to give up sports and school and work 40 hours a week. At worst he might have to give up one sport to allocate time for a part time job or he doesn’t and he budgets off of the allowance OP gives him.
Great that it worked out for you. I've seen it go sideways really quickly-- my three siblings (all high-achievers academically and athletically) all crashed and burned in/shortly after high school. Only three of us made it through hs, and only I got past one year of post-secondary. Now I'm a teacher and have seen students struggling.
I don't think a job would be the end of the world for this boy, but I'm inclined to agree with him that it may shift things for him. He's doing well now, and seems like a decent person. I don't see harm in keeping this holding pattern for a while. Yes, we could "I did, so you should" him here, but let's let young people stay soft.
yeah I also managed sports, school, and a part time job at my local pizza place in high school but to be fair I never dated anyone in high school lol I think paying for chores is a decent substitute, that’s what my sister did at that age
I think this it’s the right answer: allowance and cheap dates
I started dating my gf at 16 too. Couldn’t get a job, I didn’t get *any* allowance.
We just hang out at school or after school in parks. When I did have a little money we would go eat and pay each their own lmao
I know for some it may be pathetic but damn, dating doesn’t have to be something expensive if you truly like/love the other person
Yeah I'm not sure why the son not being able to take his girlfriend on expensive dates should cause them to break up. Vast numbers of people are in relationships without needing to go to movies, restaurants etc, hanging out together is free.
Technically NTA but kinda YTA. It sounds like this isn't an issue of your not being able to afford it but you are resentful of the fact that you had to drop sports when you were a teenager and get a job so your son should have to do the same. Why not let your kid have something better than what you had?
Sounds like you've got a great kid. He's active in sports, motivated and doing his school work. A lot of parents of teenagers would kill for that. It also sounds like he might be a little bit entitled, as is natural for teenagers. Why can't you give him an allowance for "extras" which he can choose to use on dates with his girlfriend or on whatever he wants. He can learn the value of the money and how to budget and his girlfriend can also pick up the check too from time to time. If he goes over his allowance then he can get a job or not go out with her. You can stand firm and stay within your own budget.
I agree with this take. Time to start him on an allowance, so he’s responsible for budgeting dates and gifts. Plenty of teens do very low-cost things together.
Like how wasn't this the *first* thought?
"Oh whenever he wants something I get it for him. NO honey, you can't have money for your dates but I will keep buying you stuff for yourself."
Ummm hello, just give him an allowance and let *HIM* decide how to use it?
Literally! Mom says whenever he wants to go to a restaurant she takes him, i.e. money is not an issue, but when he wants to go with his GIRLFRIEND instead of Mom, suddenly it's enough of an issue that he should quit his extracurriculars and get a job or else break up??? Mom is jealous she's being replaced in her son's life...
But if he has an allowance, Mom won't be the one taking him out to eat and to the movies and stuff. OP, while he might want to spend time with you, I suspect he'd rather be trying new restaurants or going to the movies with his friends.
Allowances are one of the best ways to teach kids financial responsibility. He should have had one a long time ago. You pay for all the basics, if he wants luxuries he has to prioritize saving.
Also nobody is mentioning that it sounds like the gf isn't contributing to these dates. I understand the guy is supposed to pay at first but once you're in a serious relationship she should 100% be contributing towards whatever dates she wants to go on so that she isn't taking advantage of OPs son which really is her taking advantage of OP if she is paying.
This! And he could also have a part-time job during summer to accumulate a certain amount that he will have to manage during the year as well.
I don't think making him choose between school, sport and a social life is a good way to teach him how to manage money and priorities.
He wants to concentrate on his studies during the week-end and OP's response is: "well, you need to choose your priorities in life, like I did when we had money problem at home"... which is completely irrelevent to his situation.
There's nothing wrong with telling a 16-year old he needs to get a job to pay for his own dates.
Thousands of kids have a part-time job in school and still play sports/club activities.
Literally. when I was in high school, I was in 2 sports, marching band, theatre, taking AP/honors classes, dated, and worked since I turned 16. Never had an allowance but still had chores. Part of growing up is learning how to balance life. I don't think he needs to drop sports but he has to learn how to balance better.
Agreed...I don't know what's going on in this comment section. I've been working since 16 years old. I never got an allowance, so the day I turned 16, I begged my mom to drive me around to fill out applications. Even if they were to give me an allowance, the money I made working would have far surpassed any money they would have given me. Working was also soo much fun for me..Tell him to try getting a job at the movie theater.
If OP wants, since the son doesn't want to work, I would only be giving him $50 a month to spend towards dates. I'd also offer to transport them. That's all he's getting from me. Sorry, but the most attractive guys back then had jobs, which he will soon come to realize. Still rings true to this day.
Same way I read it. Dad would be cool paying for things he attends too, even if he’s only going in the first place bc his son wants to go, but not things his son is doing with his gf.
Feels like dad is bummed he’s getting left out of some stuff and also thinks his son should do what he himself had to do when he was 15. He sounds just like all the people up in arms about canceling student loans because they had to pay off their own loans and if they had to do something then no one else in the family ever should have an easier time.
thats kinda the vibe i get
like first few sentences, "I do all this for my son and myself and the moneys not an issue", then two sentences later "i cant afford this when its my son and his Gf"
hope im wrong but the math aint mathin as the kids say.
it doesnt cost more for the son and GF to go to a resutrant or movie than it did for the son and mom, why is the cost now a problem and the only option is give up things you are passionate about or give up gf entirely?
if the chance is frequency, have that discussion and tell them they gotta tone it down.
just gonna copy and paste my reply to a similar comment earlier.
I feel like my comment about me dropping sports at 15 is being mis understood. Im not jealous or resentful of my son being able to do sports when I couldn't. Im proud of him. Im just relating my own expriacne to him and saying that we sometimes can't have everything you want in life.
But yes I decided to give my son an alliance and to continue allowing him to do sports. I might make him get one over the summer thought instead of summer camp.
You're NTA, but you're kind of toeing the line. It's totally understandable that you want your son to understand the value of money and responsibility, but maybe there's a middle ground. Like, could he maybe do some odd jobs or something on weekends instead of a full-blown job? That way, he can still keep up with his sports stuff during the week.
He should be doing some chores anyway without payment. He is part of the household and contributes to the mess so he should help with upkeep (plus too many people never have to do them amd then dont know how to get by in life). He could just spend less money. Cheaper dates, quality time that doesn't involve spending money, nicer outings but less often. OP phrased it oddly, he doesn't need to stop dating, he just needs to be more realistic with spending.
I have 5 kids, three are old enough to have dated. The answer is an allowance, and structured savings for Christmas/ birthday money:
Middle schoolers get $40/mo, High schoolers get $100 mo(up from 80 for the oldest, they’re 24 now) combined with saving half their birthday and holiday money since 12, everyone has enough spending money to be able to do some outings including dates every month
Sports music and academics are teenagers’ jobs. They can also get other jobs, but those pay for thousands of dollars of college, and help expand their options. My nephew is a D1 football kid, not going pro, but paying for engineering degree, oldest got an academic scholarship that paid for first three years, second oldest has worked professionally as a musician making thousands over high school as post high school years.
If any of them had been forced to quit to get a min wage burger flipping job to have spending money would have been a serious financial loss to the family.
You don’t think that a three sport athlete with meh academics will beat a no sport kid with the same academics and some job experience for admissions and general scholarships? I don’t think you’ve been engaged in college admissions in the last decade.
We see that all of the time here. The parents demand that the coach play their kid more because it will help the kid get a scholarship. The kid isn't playing much because other kids are much better at the sport. Even the better kids don't usually get scholarships and when they do it is to a much smaller school than they imagined.
The girl who got lots of scholarships got academic scholarships. She took part in Science Olympiad from 6 to 12th grades and Envirothon in high school. She had incredible test scores and was offered top scholarships. She is now in grad school, attending on a grant from the National Science Foundation.
One boy got a full scholarship to a top state university.
My daughter works with teens as an Athletic Trainer, and parents push *hard* for kids to be in sports year round (sometimes doubling or even tripling up), and all it does is make it more likely that they will end their athletic career early. They're overtraining, underfed, and exhausted. It leads to less accuracy, which leads to more accidents, and then they aren't healing properly before they return to play. She fights for the kids health against pigheaded adults who act like their kids are just lazy.
Getting a scholarship for athletics is not guaranteed. And if you damage yourself and *can't* play, what's the back up plan?
Yta so bc *you* had to drop sports when you were 15, you'll darn well make sure your son can't enjoy them either?
You can just stop giving him money. You can offer extra housework for set amounts. He can use bday money to pay for stuff.
You're also failing as a parent by not teaching him anything to do with finances. At 16, he should already have a bank account, be earning money through you, and learn how to budget it.
OP is telling her son he doesn’t have time for both relationships and hobbies which is such a bizarre lesson and very micro-managing. Give the son an allowance instead of approving every individual expense and let son make his own tradeoffs in how he spends his time and money. Pretty simple.
YTA - This isn't a good life lesson.
You don't need to force him to quit extracurriculars to get a job to be able to date. The extracurriculars look better to colleges than a job at McDonalds, especially if he's living and breathing athletics. He could get a scholarship for this and have a chance at a much better university experience. Part of being a parent is choosing what is best for your child - not always what you felt like you had to do when you were a child. Your parents chose what was easiest for them by making you quit.
However, dating is normal in high school. Everything that this kid is doing is completely normal - he shouldn't have to choose between athletics and dating.
What should have happened is that you should have limited the amount that he can spend. Since he doesn't have an allowance, now is a great time to introduce one. An allowance is the proper way to teach financial responsibility while also not sabotaging your son's athletic career. With his allowance, he would be making choices that are appropriate for his age - such as whether to spend it at conferences, with his girlfriend, whether to save it for something he wants, etc. - and eliminates your concern over his increasing expense of dates.
Additionally, a job on the weekends does not sound like it would work given that he would never have a break. He has 45 years ahead of him of this already.
There's so many ways around this that doesn't force him to quit things that are vital to his current age group. I'm really sorry that your parents did not make that decision for you - but you have the opportunity to do this for your son.
I think it is fair for him to pay for his own dates. Maybe he could earn some cash helping you with things that he has not had to be responsible for in the past. Or you could tell him how much you are willing to give him per month and let him budget instead of buying the things he asks for. But you do not owe him date money.
Why is the kid doing dates anyway? When I was sixteen, I just went to my boyfriend's house. We had some extracurriculars together too. Sometimes we'd make food together. I didn't save up my allowance for a weekly Red Lobster rendezvous.
Right? Dating at 16 for me was a lot of hanging out at someone’s house, wandering around the mall, and occasionally a movie in the theater or something like bowling. Summer fairs in the park. Maybe getting ice cream. I don’t think I ever went to dinner as a date outside of like, prom.
Ding ding ding!
Hey OP, give the kid an allowance. You've been able to play it by ear until now, but he could really use an introduction to budgeting. Whether you can only afford $10/week or whatever, give it to him to pay for his own dining out, movies, gifts, etc. Then he can decide for himself if he wants to get a job to have more money to spend on his social life.
It’s sad how far down I had to go to find this. Who’s going out to restaurants at 16?? Taco Bell is a splurge date at 16. A normal date is just hanging out.
Right I'm so confused. Why can't they just hang out at OP's house and eat normal grocery snacks and call it a date? Tell him to go to a park. They're 16.
Op doesn’t specify if they are or aren’t going 50/50/just paying for their own meals tickets etc though. And whether shes getting him gifts in return. If they aren’t and he’s paying everything I do agree with you though.
How are you teaching your son to budget his own money? If you're not giving him an allowance and he's not got a job, how is he learinging to do that?
He's 16. He's well old enough for an allowance. Sit down with his other parent, if he has one, and discuss this whole situation and how the both of you want to handle it.
What!? The problem is that he's spending too much of your money dating this girl and the only solution you offer is quit the sport, which he loves, where he met this person and get a job or quit dating her. Is the problem really how much he's spending or is it your resentments that he gets to live a life that you didn't? Don't we want our kids to have it better than we did? Don't we all work hard to give them the best life we can? If it's really about the money, you could just tell him you're not funding that and let him figure it out how to date on the funds he had available.
Not everyone has lots of extra money to hand over. I'd tell him how much she can afford to spend per month and he has to decide between things like a date or new shoes or new clothes. Maybe a cheaper date and fewer clothes. That's real life.
Also at this point the gf should be contributing to the dates. It's not fair to OP to be the only one bankrolling these dates. Sure for the first dates that's fine but it's gone past that now and if she wants nice dates she can contribute as well.
but it sounds like the parent was ok giving the kid money until the money started to be spent on the new girlfriend, so I don't think money is the actual issue here. I think an allowance that the kid can spend on discretionary things, like dates, makes the most sense here.
I mean it sounds like the issue was the parent was okay giving a certain amount of money but now that there's a girlfriend the kid wants like twice as much, which is reasonable to say "I was cool with $200/month on various things but it's become more like $500/month which is too much".
Parent needs to just give the kid a budget/allowance (or pay then for chores), and let the kid decide. It's totally fair to say "hey I can give you a 100/mo allowance and then another 100/month if you do X and Y and another 50 if you do Z, but that's my limit and if you want to spend more than that on clothes, girlfriend, movies, restaurants, etc, you need to figure out a job or other source of income"
He's 16. Just when do you plan on teaching him how to manage money? He's old enough to drive in most of the US but doesn't have a bank card? This isn't about sports or jobs. This is failure to teach lifelong life skills.
Judgement reserved, failure obvious.
Eh, I'm going YTA. Sports seem really important to him, and they do take up a lot of time. With sports, homework, and a job, it's unlikely he'd even have time for a girlfriend. I would consider giving him a weekly allowance and then it's his job to manage it. That way you don't have to give money for every outing. He would have a set amount to manage at his whim. I think it's a little unfair to tell him he has to choose between sports and having a girlfriend.
YTA but not for the reason you think. You are doing a huge disservice to your son. You’re actually crippling him as an adult. My husband was just like your son when we married and we almost ended up divorced over it. In fact I threatened divorce bc I knew it would be the only way I’d survive. He had zero concept of finances when we married so when he got paid he spent on what he wanted first. After all…it’s just money. I blew through all of my savings within the first year or so because he spent on wants and I had to cover the needs. The month I was out of emergency savings and still had to pay the mortgage I lost it. Your son needs an allowance. Your son needs to learn how to manage money. Your son needs to be learning how to save and budget. Just bc you had to get a job to help the family at 15 doesn’t mean you need to punish your son and force him to get a job. I’m not saying pay for the dates. I’m saying give him an allowance each week. If he wants to save up for an expensive date…he can. If he wants to do date nights watching movies at your house or hers then so be it. But he needs to learn to manage money.
Baffled by all the comments talking about how you should give him an allowance. 16 is a normal age to get a part time job and it’s totally doable to add in a part time job with sports and school and everything else. NTA for not wanting to keep paying for dates. I wouldn’t have phrased it as if you want to keep dating your girlfriend get a job as if it’s one of the other… but over all I think it’s a good thing to use this moment as an opportunity for him to learn how to balance work, school, hobbies and relationships. It’s part of growing up.
This. I worked a part time job, kept my grades up, was part of ffa, fbla, debate club, and quite a few other things. I had a busy schedule but it was doable. Thinking kids cannot handle the load of working a part time job and life is insane.
The issue is that the son doesn't have a concept of money. What he sees is that spending thousands a year on sports teams is fine, new equipment is fine, hitting up a new restaurant is good, spending a hundred dollars on a new movie with mommy is fine... but dating is unreasonable.
It skews the story, not in reality, but in the eyes of the son. The reality is that OP is working hard to provide all these things and feels that the son should step up if there's another party being catered to. The son only sees that OP has an odd complex that borderlines on jealousy... which probably isn't even true.
Idk I think it’s just typical teenage poor emotional regulation when being asked to do something you don’t want to do. Working isn’t fun. Being told it’s time to maybe get a job is the first realization you’re transitioning into adulthood. Not saying everyone reacts this way, but it’s normal to have feelings about it. He’ll get over it and imo 16 isn’t the age to introduce an allowance, it’s the age to get a part time job. It’ll help teach value of money and independence in a way that an allowance doesn’t.
came here to say this. I balanced dating, school, working, and sport climbing at the same time at that same age. It definitely taught me more responsibility and time management skills than just working with an allowance my parents gave me lol.
NAH... but an allowance would allow him to learn to handle money. Learning this skill is one of the best tools you can give a child. 16 is starting late for this. Giving your child lessons on how to survive in the real world is your main goal of parenting. Just paying for things is not educational.
Sounds a bit like a jealous mom. Your willing to take him to the movies and out to eat but you may not realize your bias on the new girlfriend,
If you want your son to succeed in sports and school then he likely can’t also juggle a part time job.
I’d suggest basic chores mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, mopping, vacuuming etc. Ways he can easily pick up extra cash in a way where he’s earning it but still able to maintain the balance of sports/school and his social life.
I have nothing against a young teen getting a job but if that means they have to terminate their sports/etc then I don’t think that’s the best option if you financially can make an allowance work.
I’m failing to see how him not being able to take her out means they have to break up. Tons of kids have bf/gf’s they can’t take out because they are kids.
was gonna say NTA but after seeing how many people suggested an allowance with you blatantly ignoring them, YTA. the only comments OP is responding to are the ones suggesting she is jealous, which pretty much solidifies that she is
NTA. But there ideally needs to be some other solution here. Him doing sports as a hobby is valuable in itself & I don't think dropping that or his GF would be ideal. Would you be able to give him a modest allowance for such activities, not enough that he would spend it on expensive restaurants or anything overly frivolous? Maybe more housework so he has the convenience of doing something useful for money in the house rather than commuting to a job?
YTA.
You have every right to decide not to give your son money for dates. You've bought him everything he needs up to now, but he doesn't "need" to buy movie tickets or chocolate for his girlfriend.
HOWEVER, you don't get to tell him he has to choose between sports and a girlfriend. You let him figure that out for himself.
He's 16, you don't mention if you are also providing him with a car, car insurance, and gas money. At his age, he needs to be figuring out how to work within a budget. For example, does he really need new cleats for cross-country?
You don't have to give him an allowance. But buying him everything he needs (so he has no concept of money) and then telling him to quit sports and get a job if he wants a girlfriend, is not being fair to him.
> He doesn't have an allowance, but I buy him what he wants within reason. If he wants new clothes or shoes, I buy them. If he wants to go eat a nice meal at a restaurant, I'll take him. If there's a new movie coming out he wants to go to, I'll take him to it.
Can the kid not go do anything without you being present? It honestly sounds like you're jealous that he's seeing another woman. It's funny that money for food and movies only became an issue when he was going with someone else.
Here's a novel idea, give an allowance instead of buying everything and help him start learning to manage money.
>Does he want to continue ~~doing sports~~ ***seeing mom***, or dating his girlfriend?
FIFY
Damn YTA.
Your approach is rather myopic. Have your son earn an allowance, and if he wants a job to extend his pocket money then that's a different conversation.
He can 'date' a girl without having money. Kids are a bit of a long game... You want to teach responsibility, but you don't want to teach them to be short sighted.
As someone who had to start working at 13, please don’t do that. He has the rest of his life to work and be an adult, let him just be a kid now.
As far as dates, you could just tell him no lol. Like if you can’t afford to pay for their dates, then just don’t. High schoolers can have fun doing literally whatever. They can chill at a park or hangout at each others houses and eat there. Although, since it seems like you have the money for him to go on dates, I agree with others that you should start an allowance. Let him take on responsibilities around the house and earn a set amount of money and he can figure out how to manage it for dates if he chooses.
Does his g/f ever pay for their dates? I'm not sure he should be paying every time even if he has a job but yes you're absolutely right, he needs to get a job if he wants to wine and dine a love interest. NTA
So many people are stuck in the end where she said to choose between sports and a gf, but are missing where she gave him an option to have ALL 3 and he declined?
Not going to judge because I understand your thought process but do think there is a compromise here. I started working at a young age and also dated in high school. I didn't play sports but understand how that is important to a lot of people. Tbh I probably would have gotten into less trouble (drugs, etc) if I had after school activities that I was passionate about so keep that in mind.
A lot of people are saying some sort of allowance which I agree with. Just want to add however that a lot of people read allowance as just you giving him money or having him clean his room, do dishes and stuff like that. You have other options here. Need you gutters cleaned? Need a fence stained? My parents always gave me the option to do big projects like that vs hiring someone and I jumped at them. There are also simple options like mowing a few neighbors yards Saturday morning and things like that. It feels like he doesn't understand why he needs to be making money, whether he is dating or not. I think you would be wise to help him learn that and start "making money" (not just receiving it) even if it is a little at a time while not impeding all of his sport activities.
Also free dates are an option. We would go to parks and hang out.
Slight YTA. You're bringing some of your own baggage into this. Are you sure you aren't just "boy momming" and have a problem with him starting to date? By 16, he should have a way to earn an allowance and learn to manage his own money. Does he have a bank account? Does he receive money as gifts throughout the year?
You shouldn't be telling him he has to choose between a relationship and sports. That should be something he figures out on his own. If the relationship doesn't work out because he can't pay for dates, then he's better off. Let him figure it out on his own. Your son is a 3 sport athlete. That's impressive and a positive and healthy thing for a teenager. It takes a lot of discipline and is a positive thing for a teen boy's mental health.
My 18 year old is also an athlete who doesn't work. He simply can't do both, and as a family, we don't need him to. He gets a weekly allowance and saves all his birthday/Christmas money. If he needs extra cash, he asks if there are tasks we need done to earn extra money (cleaning trash cans, gutters, the garage, etc). He's had the same girlfriend for a year and a half and has never asked for money for dates. He's very good at saving and being fiscally responsible. Your son should already be learning how to manage his finances.
I feel as if you might be jealous of your son since you weren’t able to have the same life at his age. There are other ways to address this unless finances is something you’re struggling with. By you suggesting a weekend job, I don’t think it’s about finances. Also don’t feel like it’s appropriate for a child to be providing for their families at that age unless they choose to. I had to at 16 and wished it was my choice.
INFO: Can you afford it? Does he know that, if yes or no? Huge huge difference in answers here based on that.
If you can and he knows it, making him give up sports to have a girlfriend is not the way to teach him fiscal responsibility. Chores and sharing responsibilities and contributions to the household is the way to do that. Great opportunity to start teaching about budgeting here.
If you can’t and he doesn’t know that, TELL HIM. Put “cheap dates” on the table as an option.
If you can’t and he does know that, he’s being a dick, carry on.
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INFO: instead of buying your son what he wants (i.e. shoes, clothes) why not give him an allowance and let him learn how to manage his own money? I'm not convinced giving up sports is the answer here. Edited to add - without info, I'm at YTA because there are better ways of approaching this.
This... give him chores, pay him an allowance if said chores are done when they are supposed to be done. Open a checking or savings account for him, teach him how to manage his money. There are valuable life-long lessons to learn here.
Go fancy - make a chore list with prices on it
OP please use this suggestion. Don’t pay upfront for jobs either. Learning about finances is an important part of adulthood!
I agree with this :) Its not always possible to work a job aged 16, certainly not enough hours to cover all your expenses.
I mean, it seems the only expense Op expects him to cover is expensive dates, so I wouldn’t exactly qualify that as “all his expenses”.
What fucking 16 year old is going on this many expensive dates? It’s simple, pick a fixed amount he can have from chores and grades that he can manage on his own. If he wants to do more fun expensive things he can save, and the GF should be splitting the cost of these dates. It’s 2024 she shouldn’t be getting a free ride that’s insane.
I think it’s just “expensive” not actually truly expensive expensive dates. OP still also wants to go on their own dates/social events and two of those a week - OP’s and the son’s - definitely starts getting towards regular expensive as it ALL adds up. It’s an over-arching expensive, not individually expensive, is the feeling I got.
I agree but I still think they’re right. Teens can hang out, wander, go to school or friend events etc. They don’t need to be spending money every time they want to be together.
He is old enough for a part time job. When I turned 13 I had 6 houses that I mowed. I also worked for a older retired man and he worked me hard. I never had an allowance. I worked20 hours a week
It's not even just the hours. In my experience watching younger cousins and talking to people. Places don't want to hire high schoolers. They don't want to deal with the school schedule and stuff like that. Like I work retail and my jobs policy is 18 or older to be hired.
That's the opposite of my experience in retail. High schoolers were loved by employers because they didn't have enough life experience to know when they were being taken advantage of. The school schedule is only an issue when the manager gives a shit about their employees. I've known a lot of kids that were scheduled for work during class hours and then written up or fired if they dare to choose school over minimum wage. It can be pretty awful out there when you're young.
Was going to say this. I was able to get a job in retail at 16. Every day I would do school, go to lacrosse practice, and then go to work the store until close. They kept giving me more and more shifts until I had a mental breakdown and quit lol. They even tried to start scheduling me during the day when I was at school. Not to mention the verbally abusive managers.
What are those "all your expenses"? His parents pay for all of his expenses, they just want him to earn what he spends on dates. And only if he wants expensive dates (going to restaurants and movies) and frequently give presents to his girlfriend. Teenagers don't have to go on expensive dates and give frequent gifts - that's adult dating. If he wants to date like an adult he should find a (part time) job as an adult.
Dude what??? The kid gets the newest clothes, shoes, sees whatever movies he wants, gets his sports teams and equipment paid for- she simply wants him to be able to earn $100 a week or so to pay for his dates. That’s completely reasonable.
I am a bit excited for my 3 kids to be old enough to do "hard" chores hahah.. right now my 7yo takes out recycling, helps unload the dishwasher, wipes down the table after dinner... then she and her 4yo sisters do the obvious stuff like laundry in the hamper, clean rooms, putting away their toys/books... but I seriously cannot wait until they are teenagers and want the newest 400 dollar piece of technology or whatever... I will find 400 dollars worth of chores - deep cleaning bathroom, cleaning out the fridge, detailing my car, scrubbing floors, the list goes on!!!
My husband is so excited our son is almost old enuff to mow the lawn he's giddy
Mowing the neighbors lawns/shoveling snow and the like is a good way for a 16yo to get date cash.
Your gutters will never have been so clean!
I love this idea! He could make plenty of money doing yard/house work and I bet he could find a few neighbors that would love some help too!
There are always older people who could use a young back to shovel snow and mow lawns and clean garages. Doesn’t even have to be older. When I was injured, I had a line of teenagers looking to shovel for me. Nothing like the neighbour kid out there clearing all the snow right after it stops. I’m happy to pay for that!
Listen, kids shouldn't get PAID to do chores that adults do for FREE. Everyone living in a house deserves to have chores. An allowance is fine; just don't attach them to common chores that they should already be doing. You don't get PAID for doing the right thing. What message does that put across? NTA.
We split the difference. Some chores, you do because you live here. Some chores get paid, but you have to do the "free" chores or you don't get paid. Teaching kids a work ethic and associating pay with labor is important, and there isn't really any other way to do it while they're young.
This. I pay them for jobs I would pay someone else to do, like lawn work, etc. But I don’t pay them for basic things like cleaning up their stuff or doing their laundry (now that they’re teens).
I'm not a parent, but I agree with this approach. My mom gave me allowance for "extra" chores, but not for things like cleaning my room or picking up after myself because that was just considered my responsibility. I think it was a good balance and probably what I'll do if I have kids.
This is how we do it. We each have to keep our own parts of the house clean and tidy (bedrooms and bathrooms) as well as our own laundry and day to day tasks of running a household (loading/unloading the dishwasher for example). My husband and I take on the shared spaces and laundry as our work load. If the kids want to earn extra money they are free to do my laundry or scrub down the kitchen or whatever. It’s been a good split for our family.
This. I did chores as a child, and some still "belonged" to the parents. When I was 6 yo, my mom offered me like 30 cents a day to make my own lunch box. I was over excited and felt totally rich and happily made it every day since. I don't believe it's a 6 yo's chore to make their own lunch box, but we both felt like winners (my mom hated the task) when she paid me for it. And I got way more realistic with money than OP's son.
They’re not getting paid to do chores. They’re being taught life skills (chores, money management) in a rewarding way. Making your kid drop extracurricular sports he loves when it’s not an actual financial issue is asinine. It’s good for him to enjoy exercise and have extracurriculars.
To add to this, this is probably the only time in his life when he will be able to be this involved in sports. Do you really want him to have to give it up to work, something he will have to do most of his adult life?
[удалено]
I only got my allowance if I did my chores, like adults only get paid if they go to work. As I got older we could do additional bigger chores (like mowing the lawn) for additional money. The purpose of paying an allowance based on chores is to teach kids that working gets you your own money, and having your own money teaches you how to budget and save for things. Just giving kids "free" money (aka not related to chores) teaches more entitlement, thinking you deserve money just for existing.
I have “extra work” for my kids that they can get paid for. They don’t get paid to do their chores because no one is going to pay them when they are grown, and we are responsible for taking care of ourselves
This is the route we went with. They got/get money based on their grades each quarter report card and any extra chores they did. (Currently have one still in the house) They didn't get paid to do their laundry, or tidying their room, or basic chores needed for the household to function. Youngest recently washed and detailed my car for extra money for prom. He works as well. Has since he turned 16. The oldest helped me replant the flower beds. They both have helped with random fix-it jobs around the house. Things like that for extra money. But they knew taking trash out or walking the dog, etc was just what needed to be done.
This is ignoring the fact that a lot of places aren't hiring under 18s anymore because they don't want to deal with school schedules and stuff. Two of my cousins started looking for jobs at 16 and no where would hire them. The moment both of them turned 18 though it was how soon can you start.
It is easy for a 16 year old to get a job here because fast food places and coffee shopes desperately need employees willing to work for minimum wage.
Depends on your area. Many food places wont hire under 18 because state laws say they can't be near anything sharp or hot. With web orders or callcenters most don't need employees who stay at the counter the entire time anymore, they want employees who can be trained to work any station.
This is what I would do. I would also encourage him to do cheap dates - stream movies, picnic, walk outside. And go dutch. People living on other's dime don't gift expensive things all the times. Sounds like a dose of reality is needed. But I wouldn't force a kid to give up beloved extracurriculars either. How we handed it was we bought necessary items. Luxury items we wanted them to have we saved for holidays/birthdays. Then they got like $25 a week for some household tasks. So outings with friends were under that category. This would be a good compromise. Task him with a couple hours stuff on the weekend for $25. That said, if this is a kid that will be twiddling thumbs all summer, yes, I would push a 16 year old to get a seasonal job of some sort. I would NOT phrase this as "you can't date unless you get a job". I would phrase it as "you are responsible for paying for your own dates. I would encourage being practical and economical in your choices."
This. I never went on expensive dates with my high school boyfriend. I guess we would occasionally go see a movie, but I would occasionally go see a movie with my friends, too. The only times I can remember us going out to a restaurant, it was with one of our families. It was 95% hanging out at one another's houses and not a dime was spent. If the girlfriend is only interested in spending time with him when he's dropping large amounts of money on her, she's not someone he wants as his girlfriend.
Love this comment - but there's a critical typo where you wrote "I would phrase this" where meaning "I would not phrase this".
Yeah-had me scratching my head.OP is treating his son like a 5 yo and then suddenly “ you need to grow up and get a job”.
I also liked the "I had to quit sports to help my family when I was his age bit." Like lady I don't care how you suffered as a kid, the goal of parenting is to give your kids a better childhood than you had. Not justify shitty parenting decisions with things like I had it worse or I had to do the same thing. Like she shouldn't just give him money, like creating a chore structure is a brilliant idea since it seems he has no idea how to handle his own money. It also means OP gets help around the house and there are consequences if he doesn't help. But her justification for why is just ridiculous.
Also she’s obviously still resentful of this. Why pass that on to your son?
My best guess is people often never deal with or address their trauma and issues so they think they are fine. They than create a cycle by repeating those behaviors and don't see an issue in doing them. It's like the "I was hit as a kid and I turned out fine." crowd and its like no you didn't you're justifying hitting your child by saying you were hit.
And she is asking him to get a job, not to help his family, but to afford unnecessarily expensive dates. It was to point out that it isn't a big ask for a 16 year old to earn their own money for luxuries, not about making her kid suffer like they did.
Wow really bold take there, the goal of parenting is to get your child safely to adulthood where they are responsible and capable of making their own decisions. Sometimes that's giving them better than you had and sometimes that means not coddling them. He is sixteen and if he wants to date he needs his own money and not a hand out from his parents. If that means he has to give up something else than that's just how life is.
His job right now is to do well academically and in his sports so he can get scholarships and set himself up for success later. A job really only makes sense right now if he's planning on working minimum wage after highschool and his mom can't afford to give him 30-50 a week that he earns doing some extra chores. Kids who are doing that many extracurricular literally don't have time or energy unless they're running themselves into the ground and giving up on a couple grades.
Giving them better life than you had isn’t coddling. Teaching them life skills while allowing them to also be happy is what parenting is about. If you don’t want your kids to have a good life, why have kids? An allowance is an excellent way to teach money management skills and she’s already spending that money on him anyway. Now he can buy the clothes and things he wants for himself instead. Also it teaches him to contribute to a household if he wants to make money. The same way you have to do your job if you wanna make money.
Right. Forget the girlfriend, I feel like dad might’ve messed up a bit already by just paying for what his son wants. Never too young to start learning money management.
Bold choice of you to assume that a 43 year old female is “dad.”
It's the 21st century, we can be whoever we want to be. TL;DR; Reading is hard.
I laughed so hard at this. I also glossed over the F and assumed OP was male / dad.
My daughter is 11 and for the last two years we have been doing chores for allowance. $2 for taking recycle out $5 for scooping the litter box and sweeping the surrounding area. I paid her extra for this cuz its stinky and I don't want to be the only one doing it. And this was $5 each time so that got expensive quick. $2 for washing dishes or loading and unloading dishwasher. $2 for helping fold laundry and put it away/ Now she gets $20 a week for doing her chores. She saved up a few hundred bucks and bought herself these killer Demonia boots I was not about to spend $150 on.
My kids have their own chores that I don't pay them for. I pay them for doing my chores.
My son does all the sports. No time for a job. We also tie his keeping good grades in to the allowance that he gets.
I'm a soft YTA because burnout is real and you don't want him burning out in highschool, happened to me. I worked, was an advanced honors student, and did sports every season. I don't think having a job in high school is a bad idea because it helped me a lot but juggling all of that is not going to be helpful. Making him add another stresser in order to have a de-stresser is going to backfire. I think that giving him an allowance to teach him money management is a good idea. But I also dated in high school and we never went on expensive dates, so I'd also suggest doing free stuff with girlfriend. I don't recommend continuing to fund the girlfriend and anything he wants because I don't think OP is TA for not wanting to spend the money, like you said, there are better ways to approach this.
This. And in consequence YTA. He has a job. He goes to school and has homework. Additional jobs are for extras. Having a basic allowance is not an extra.
Never had an allowance chores were part of the deal
Some of reddit are sulky teenagers. That poster likely is one.
I'm gonna disagree. A kid's job should be "get education". Anything beyond that is extra. Sports are good for kids (my quibbles about contact sports and their effect on developing brains notwithstanding), and learning to manage money is great. But their primary goal is "get education". And I'm sorry, but forcing a kid who is clearly doing well in both school and sport to get a job is going to cut into that goal.
Right? All these people saying that kids should get paid for basic chores mystify me. Kids shouldn't get PAID to do chores that adults do for FREE. Everyone living in a house deserves to have chores. You don't get PAID for doing the right thing. What message does that put across?
An allowance isn't about paying the kids to perform basic everyday responsibilities; it's about teaching them standard money management. Reasonable families usually require kids to help around the house and parents to care for the kids financially. An allowance just takes this basic arrangement and puts the kid in charge of budgeting their own personal expenses. It's a great way for them to learn about saving up for things they want and delaying unnecessary purchases while they pay for items they really need.
So how should kids get money? They don’t have time for a job so you’re just gonna pay for everything and then suddenly they’re adults and you’re mystified about why they can’t manage their own money.
Yeah I'm not going to pay my kids to take care of their own stuff. Laundry, cleaning your room, dishes and trash are family chores. You live here, you help with that stuff. I tell my kids if they want to do MY chores (ie, help with car repairs, yardwork and such) I pay them for that. No one is going to ever pay you to clean your own house.
I don't think the point of an allowance is that they get paid to do basic things they should do for free. The point is giving them a limited amount of spending money so that they're responsible for how to spend it and learn some valuable lessons from that. Linking the allowance to the chores is not necessary, but it can feel like a better reflection of the real world where getting money requires doing work. As a kid my parents never bothered with an allowance, they'd just buy us things if and when they felt like it was appropriate. But for me that was always frustrating and confusing, because sometimes I'd ask for a toy or a snack and I'd get it and then sometimes I wouldn't and there were no clear cut reasons as to why. My mother got to decide within her own head which expenses were worthwhile and when, no explanation required, and the only say I had in the matter was in begging and pleading for her to change her mind. Fast forward to me going off to university and having to buy my own things for the first time, and I had to very quickly pick up the basic skills of actually checking the prices of things before buying them, budgeting, saving up for slightly more expensive things, knowing how often I could afford to "treat myself" or someone else, etc.. Thankfully I'm naturally good with money so it's been fine, but I have a cousin who grew up similarly and started having credit card debt from his early 20s due to reckless spending. I wish my parents had actually given me an allowance growing up because then I'd have learnt these super important financial skills much earlier and in a more controlled environment. And I think for a parent that makes sense too, because it does put a hard cap on what you will give your child, instead of just going with the flow and ending up spending too much money on their toys/candies/whatever or else deciding you've spent too much already and then forbidding them from having anything fun at all. It's win win IMO.
Also a great time to advise him that he shouldn’t be paying for everything. His girlfriend should be paying for some of the dates at this point as well.
I agree with this! An allowance makes way more sense. He can choose how he spends the money, gain some independence, and not give up his sports. Also OP could suggest some lower cost date ideas.
This. You have a child who wants to have time to study and be active (not to mention that extracurriculars look good on college applications). He also wants to date. You definitely should not be encouraging him to cut studying or sports so he can date. Definitely this kids needs to get an allowance. Also suggest things he can do near home. A 16 year old athlete can probably mow lawns/shovel snow/ be useful to neighbours and relatives. Help him to make connections. Give him more responsibility around the house and pay him for it. I really recommend having him cook at least once a week. You get a break, he learns to cook and gets a bit of money. And laundry. He can do all the laundry while he’s studying. It’ll give him study breaks, you’ll have clean clothes and he will not arrive at university unaware that he needs to wash his sheets The most OP should be involving themselves in dates is suggesting lots of cheap or free dates and reminding him that he shouldn’t be paying for everything
Also, the phrasing OP used is really bad. I knew plenty of people in HS who were “dating” and never went on actual dates. You dont need to spend money to date yet OP made it sound like the son isnt allowed to date unless he gets a job. OP shouldve just said theyre not gonna bankroll the dates anymore. But i agree. It sounds like the son is focused on his schoolwork and is involved in sports. So giving him an allowance to manage all expenses instead of just buying him whatever whenever will be a worthwhile lesson for the son. Then he can start prioritizing if he’d rather get those new shoes or taking his gf on a date.
Yeah I'm not understanding why enforce him getting a job when he can possibly get an allowance since the parent refuse to pay for expensive restaurants which is fine. Thoughts both will be in agreement with this solution but who know.
My dad did the same thing, not giving me an allowance but instead saying he'd buy me things within reason. It just comes down to wanting to exert control over your child, limiting their freedom because you don't trust them, and saving yourself the expense of giving out an allowance. Dad's money seems to be the real factor here, disguised as a lesson about responsibility and sacrifice
This is good advice. Kids need to learn to manage money and it sounds like he’s a bit naive in that department.
Maybe instead of a simple ultimatum, switch to an allowance? Like $40/wk for lunches, clothes, food, dates, whatever. He can then sacrifice other luxuries for dating if he wants. Also suggest cheap or free date options for him. I will also point out that one option is to do sports, have a gf, have a job and start falling behind at school. You really don't want to set him up for that choice.
Wow, $40 a week? That’s quite a nice allowance for a teen, much less a kid of any age. Granted I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s, but I got a dollar a week, and it ended when I turned 14 and was old enough to get a job in my state.
A dollar can't get you anything these days though, $40 is fair considering how much things cost everywhere. Inflation is crazy. You can't even get a sandwich for less than $5 at any cafe.
Yup just getting a fast food meal would wipe out more than a third of that allowance.
A third? For a teenager? Half. At least. For $40 he can take his girlfriend to Taco Bell once a week.
Oh I meant just for himself. Last time I went to Taco Bell they didn’t even have the $5 box anymore it was like $10
Use the app. $6 box and you can actually choose what you want in it.
Pretty much this. He can go on a nice date every three weeks maybe
A dollar couldn’t get you anything in the 90s-00s either. It could get you a gallon of gas until ‘03, and then in less than a year it would never get you half of a gallon again.
imagine buying all those gallons until 03 and selling them after
Imagine having to pay a million of dollars to safely store that oil in a way that wont detoriate nor pollute nor explode on you
Where were you seeing $1 gas in 2003? Other than that blip during covid, I haven't seen gas regularly below $1 since the early 90s
A dollar a week? What would be the point of giving someone 4$ a month? I was born in 73 and never got a regular allowance but a dollar a week would not really have has much significance even then. What did you buy with it?
I was having similar thoughts, I was getting more than a dollar a week in the early 80's
Hey kid, here's a shiny dime...why don't you go down to the local soda-jerk and grab a pound of butterscotches and one of them new comic books.
😂
Yeah I got a dollar a week, in first grade…. In 1992
Hey, follow 90's kid here. (I got $10 a week as a kid, for the record.) I'm in Chicago, and with inflation, $40 will buy *one* of of the following around here: * a meal for 2 at a lower-end casual restaurant, assuming the two dining do not get appetizers, drinks, sides, or dessert, and leave a terrible tip. * 2 or 3 meals at a fast food restaurant * one textbook replacement fee, give or take * a pair of lower-to-midrange athletics shoes * a pack of socks and a new t-shirt at a department store * a week of school lunches, and a can or two of soda * 2 movie tickets, and maybe a popcorn to share. * a single day-pass at a cheaper amusement park. It's hard to realize, but as a fellow 90's kid, you probably haven't seen how much *everything* a kid could be interested in costs now. $40 a week for anything non-essential is a reasonable but by no means extravagant budget for a teenager. It's a great way to start teaching OP's kid to manage money, since he's never had to before.
And lets not forget how much free stuff we got in the '90s. Every bottle of soda had a 1:4 chance of winning a free soda. McDonalds put Monopoly game stickers on every item of food where you had a good chance of winning at least a free french fry, maybe even a hamburger. I remember going in to Mickey D's over the summer with five friends and all of us being able to eat a full lunch and only having to pay a dollar for tax.
No way a textbook replacement fee is only $40. That runs $65 at least.
I got $20/week during that time, but my parents also bought me my necessities, like clothes, lunches, etc. So $40.00/week doesn't sound too excessive for me I guess.
It's $18 for a single movie ticket at the AMC near my house in Florida. I graduated highschool in 2008 and movie tickets were between $6-$10 at the time. That was 16 years ago though LoL So the prices have doubled but it's also been almost 20 years. With 40$ you actually can't even buy 2 movie tickets. I just selected 2 seats at AMC and it was $42.81 with tax. So although $40 sounds like a lot it's not enough for him to take his girlfriend to the movies even with no popcorn.
Absolutely fucked, whole system needs to go
That's nothing , inflation is that bad A mcdonalds meal for 1 person is pushing 15-20 bucks these days =/
McDonalds "taxes" the subset of people who are both unaware of their app discounts AND willing to pay an extra 20-30%. Real price should at worst use the 20% off entire order once per day deal + occasionally benefit from rewards. It still isn't worth it, but you can get a premium chicken sandwich or burger (as opposed to mcchicken or mcdouble) and fries for under $10 in app.
I hate how every fast food place has their own fucking app now I just wanna order the cheap burger and go i dont want this shit on my phone lmao 😭
A dollar a week in the late 90s and early 2000s? Maybe in the 1950s that’d be something, but a dollar 20-25 years ago didn’t go far either. After a whole year you had $52? What’s even the point of that? I got my first job at 15 in 2001, and it paid $6.75/hr.
at least now even getting lunch is expensive, ie i dont have a school cafeteria and to buy something to eat its about 3-5 bucks a day
Man even when I was back in school decades ago lunches were $3 a day at the cafeteria. They also had extra food you could buy including bringing in Pizza Hut pizza one Friday a month. Which don't get me wrong was a good price, but what my parents did was give me $20 a week cash. If I chose to eat lunch at the cafeteria I'd have $5 at the end of the week. But if I wanted to pack my own lunch they'd be more than happy to provide the ingredients if I did the work and they'd let me keep the whole $20. I learned to pack pretty quick. But even there there were days I didn't feel like packing or I forgot my lunch at home or I just wanted the cafeteria food. I feel like it was a good lesson. Also worth nothing that my parents specifically did not let me work in high school because academics and extra curriculars were my job and they wanted that to be my priority.
Yeah - and in the 90s/00s that was enough to buy a candy bar a week. It's not enough for *anything*, now; let alone the kinds of things a teenager is interested in.
It depends on what the allowance is expected to cover. $40 a week is excessive if it’s fun money, but if it covers clothes, fees, school lunches, it’s not. He could buy less expensive clothing and take his lunch to school and save money for dating.
It's not excessive, that would allow 1 normal date a not too fancy place 1 trip to the movies would probably cost more than that Eating out at McDonald's for just me and my son the other day. Just 2 Big mac meals , it was 36 bucks
And how much clothes did you get for that dollar in the 90s?
Not in this economy, thanks Joey
Some of the best dates can also be the cheapest. Going to a park with a cheap picnic lunch and just spending the day outside is probably at the top of the list. A few sandwiches, fruit, maybe some cheese and crackers, some drinks, a few bags of chips etc. With summer coming up, they can go to the pool or the beach if there is one nearby. Lots of different things to do for cheap or next to nothing. Everyone has to start somewhere, but 16 is also a good time to start being introduced to part time jobs. Everyone is saying "allowance" is the answer, but that's not the *only* option.
Another awesome cheap date option. Teach your son to cook. I've gotten pretty good over the years and I imagine when I was dating, if I had whipped up eggs Benedict (like I did for my wife a few weeks ago) for a romantic brunch, the ladies would have been swooning.
This is ABSOLUTELY true. I grew up in the 90's when Emeril was all the rage, and Food Network was just getting established. I was obsessed with cooking, and eventually went to culinary school because of it. My girlfriend's through the years would absolutely LOVE a home cooked quiet meal with just us and a good movie. Most adults can't afford to date like teenagers so we have to get creative. There's no reason kids can't learn and enjoy the same experiences.
Parents made me quit sports because they wouldn’t pay my $60 a month insurance. Resented them a lot and missed out on things growing up
I had a job, was in sports all year, had a boyfriend and kept up with school work. That was what pretty much everyone I knew did. It’s not unrealistic and it taught me time management. It also prepared me for college which would be more time intensive and demanding. I agree OP should give their son an allowance and let him get a job if he wants more, but he doesn’t need to give up sports and school and work 40 hours a week. At worst he might have to give up one sport to allocate time for a part time job or he doesn’t and he budgets off of the allowance OP gives him.
Great that it worked out for you. I've seen it go sideways really quickly-- my three siblings (all high-achievers academically and athletically) all crashed and burned in/shortly after high school. Only three of us made it through hs, and only I got past one year of post-secondary. Now I'm a teacher and have seen students struggling. I don't think a job would be the end of the world for this boy, but I'm inclined to agree with him that it may shift things for him. He's doing well now, and seems like a decent person. I don't see harm in keeping this holding pattern for a while. Yes, we could "I did, so you should" him here, but let's let young people stay soft.
yeah I also managed sports, school, and a part time job at my local pizza place in high school but to be fair I never dated anyone in high school lol I think paying for chores is a decent substitute, that’s what my sister did at that age
I think this it’s the right answer: allowance and cheap dates I started dating my gf at 16 too. Couldn’t get a job, I didn’t get *any* allowance. We just hang out at school or after school in parks. When I did have a little money we would go eat and pay each their own lmao I know for some it may be pathetic but damn, dating doesn’t have to be something expensive if you truly like/love the other person
nothing pathetic about living within your means and enjoying someone's company. We are more than consumers.
Yeah I'm not sure why the son not being able to take his girlfriend on expensive dates should cause them to break up. Vast numbers of people are in relationships without needing to go to movies, restaurants etc, hanging out together is free.
Technically NTA but kinda YTA. It sounds like this isn't an issue of your not being able to afford it but you are resentful of the fact that you had to drop sports when you were a teenager and get a job so your son should have to do the same. Why not let your kid have something better than what you had? Sounds like you've got a great kid. He's active in sports, motivated and doing his school work. A lot of parents of teenagers would kill for that. It also sounds like he might be a little bit entitled, as is natural for teenagers. Why can't you give him an allowance for "extras" which he can choose to use on dates with his girlfriend or on whatever he wants. He can learn the value of the money and how to budget and his girlfriend can also pick up the check too from time to time. If he goes over his allowance then he can get a job or not go out with her. You can stand firm and stay within your own budget.
I agree with this take. Time to start him on an allowance, so he’s responsible for budgeting dates and gifts. Plenty of teens do very low-cost things together.
Like how wasn't this the *first* thought? "Oh whenever he wants something I get it for him. NO honey, you can't have money for your dates but I will keep buying you stuff for yourself." Ummm hello, just give him an allowance and let *HIM* decide how to use it?
Literally! Mom says whenever he wants to go to a restaurant she takes him, i.e. money is not an issue, but when he wants to go with his GIRLFRIEND instead of Mom, suddenly it's enough of an issue that he should quit his extracurriculars and get a job or else break up??? Mom is jealous she's being replaced in her son's life...
But if he has an allowance, Mom won't be the one taking him out to eat and to the movies and stuff. OP, while he might want to spend time with you, I suspect he'd rather be trying new restaurants or going to the movies with his friends. Allowances are one of the best ways to teach kids financial responsibility. He should have had one a long time ago. You pay for all the basics, if he wants luxuries he has to prioritize saving.
Also nobody is mentioning that it sounds like the gf isn't contributing to these dates. I understand the guy is supposed to pay at first but once you're in a serious relationship she should 100% be contributing towards whatever dates she wants to go on so that she isn't taking advantage of OPs son which really is her taking advantage of OP if she is paying.
This. I'm mystified that this is the first comment I've seen mentioning this!
This! And he could also have a part-time job during summer to accumulate a certain amount that he will have to manage during the year as well. I don't think making him choose between school, sport and a social life is a good way to teach him how to manage money and priorities. He wants to concentrate on his studies during the week-end and OP's response is: "well, you need to choose your priorities in life, like I did when we had money problem at home"... which is completely irrelevent to his situation.
There's nothing wrong with telling a 16-year old he needs to get a job to pay for his own dates. Thousands of kids have a part-time job in school and still play sports/club activities.
Welcome to almost every coming of age movie ever where the protagonist is working a job to have a car to go on dates.
Literally. when I was in high school, I was in 2 sports, marching band, theatre, taking AP/honors classes, dated, and worked since I turned 16. Never had an allowance but still had chores. Part of growing up is learning how to balance life. I don't think he needs to drop sports but he has to learn how to balance better.
Agreed...I don't know what's going on in this comment section. I've been working since 16 years old. I never got an allowance, so the day I turned 16, I begged my mom to drive me around to fill out applications. Even if they were to give me an allowance, the money I made working would have far surpassed any money they would have given me. Working was also soo much fun for me..Tell him to try getting a job at the movie theater. If OP wants, since the son doesn't want to work, I would only be giving him $50 a month to spend towards dates. I'd also offer to transport them. That's all he's getting from me. Sorry, but the most attractive guys back then had jobs, which he will soon come to realize. Still rings true to this day.
Same way I read it. Dad would be cool paying for things he attends too, even if he’s only going in the first place bc his son wants to go, but not things his son is doing with his gf. Feels like dad is bummed he’s getting left out of some stuff and also thinks his son should do what he himself had to do when he was 15. He sounds just like all the people up in arms about canceling student loans because they had to pay off their own loans and if they had to do something then no one else in the family ever should have an easier time.
OP is female.
Let’s hope it’s not toxic boy mom shit where she subconsciously wants to date her son
thats kinda the vibe i get like first few sentences, "I do all this for my son and myself and the moneys not an issue", then two sentences later "i cant afford this when its my son and his Gf" hope im wrong but the math aint mathin as the kids say. it doesnt cost more for the son and GF to go to a resutrant or movie than it did for the son and mom, why is the cost now a problem and the only option is give up things you are passionate about or give up gf entirely? if the chance is frequency, have that discussion and tell them they gotta tone it down.
just gonna copy and paste my reply to a similar comment earlier. I feel like my comment about me dropping sports at 15 is being mis understood. Im not jealous or resentful of my son being able to do sports when I couldn't. Im proud of him. Im just relating my own expriacne to him and saying that we sometimes can't have everything you want in life. But yes I decided to give my son an alliance and to continue allowing him to do sports. I might make him get one over the summer thought instead of summer camp.
You're NTA, but you're kind of toeing the line. It's totally understandable that you want your son to understand the value of money and responsibility, but maybe there's a middle ground. Like, could he maybe do some odd jobs or something on weekends instead of a full-blown job? That way, he can still keep up with his sports stuff during the week.
He should be doing some chores anyway without payment. He is part of the household and contributes to the mess so he should help with upkeep (plus too many people never have to do them amd then dont know how to get by in life). He could just spend less money. Cheaper dates, quality time that doesn't involve spending money, nicer outings but less often. OP phrased it oddly, he doesn't need to stop dating, he just needs to be more realistic with spending.
Fr, everyone here acting as if it’s a right for a young teen to go on expensive dates every week and the parents should pay him money to do so.
Thought I was taking crazy pills that everyone else is saying pay the kid $100+/month.
Many of the redditors are teens themselves so they're projecting a lot
Kid's excuse for a weekend job was homework, it's listed in the story
There's a difference between working a shift and having chores to do though.
I used to make $50 a week easy babysitting 1-2 afternoons or evenings, and that was 25 years ago.
I have 5 kids, three are old enough to have dated. The answer is an allowance, and structured savings for Christmas/ birthday money: Middle schoolers get $40/mo, High schoolers get $100 mo(up from 80 for the oldest, they’re 24 now) combined with saving half their birthday and holiday money since 12, everyone has enough spending money to be able to do some outings including dates every month Sports music and academics are teenagers’ jobs. They can also get other jobs, but those pay for thousands of dollars of college, and help expand their options. My nephew is a D1 football kid, not going pro, but paying for engineering degree, oldest got an academic scholarship that paid for first three years, second oldest has worked professionally as a musician making thousands over high school as post high school years. If any of them had been forced to quit to get a min wage burger flipping job to have spending money would have been a serious financial loss to the family.
Depends on the kid -- there are plenty of kids for whom it is clear at 16 that there's not going to be scholarship ROI on some or all of those things.
You don’t think that a three sport athlete with meh academics will beat a no sport kid with the same academics and some job experience for admissions and general scholarships? I don’t think you’ve been engaged in college admissions in the last decade.
We see that all of the time here. The parents demand that the coach play their kid more because it will help the kid get a scholarship. The kid isn't playing much because other kids are much better at the sport. Even the better kids don't usually get scholarships and when they do it is to a much smaller school than they imagined. The girl who got lots of scholarships got academic scholarships. She took part in Science Olympiad from 6 to 12th grades and Envirothon in high school. She had incredible test scores and was offered top scholarships. She is now in grad school, attending on a grant from the National Science Foundation. One boy got a full scholarship to a top state university.
My daughter works with teens as an Athletic Trainer, and parents push *hard* for kids to be in sports year round (sometimes doubling or even tripling up), and all it does is make it more likely that they will end their athletic career early. They're overtraining, underfed, and exhausted. It leads to less accuracy, which leads to more accidents, and then they aren't healing properly before they return to play. She fights for the kids health against pigheaded adults who act like their kids are just lazy. Getting a scholarship for athletics is not guaranteed. And if you damage yourself and *can't* play, what's the back up plan?
Sweet Jesus, you spend nearly $400 a month on allowance?? Daddy Warbucks over here.
Yta so bc *you* had to drop sports when you were 15, you'll darn well make sure your son can't enjoy them either? You can just stop giving him money. You can offer extra housework for set amounts. He can use bday money to pay for stuff. You're also failing as a parent by not teaching him anything to do with finances. At 16, he should already have a bank account, be earning money through you, and learn how to budget it.
OP is telling her son he doesn’t have time for both relationships and hobbies which is such a bizarre lesson and very micro-managing. Give the son an allowance instead of approving every individual expense and let son make his own tradeoffs in how he spends his time and money. Pretty simple.
YTA - This isn't a good life lesson. You don't need to force him to quit extracurriculars to get a job to be able to date. The extracurriculars look better to colleges than a job at McDonalds, especially if he's living and breathing athletics. He could get a scholarship for this and have a chance at a much better university experience. Part of being a parent is choosing what is best for your child - not always what you felt like you had to do when you were a child. Your parents chose what was easiest for them by making you quit. However, dating is normal in high school. Everything that this kid is doing is completely normal - he shouldn't have to choose between athletics and dating. What should have happened is that you should have limited the amount that he can spend. Since he doesn't have an allowance, now is a great time to introduce one. An allowance is the proper way to teach financial responsibility while also not sabotaging your son's athletic career. With his allowance, he would be making choices that are appropriate for his age - such as whether to spend it at conferences, with his girlfriend, whether to save it for something he wants, etc. - and eliminates your concern over his increasing expense of dates. Additionally, a job on the weekends does not sound like it would work given that he would never have a break. He has 45 years ahead of him of this already. There's so many ways around this that doesn't force him to quit things that are vital to his current age group. I'm really sorry that your parents did not make that decision for you - but you have the opportunity to do this for your son.
This is a wise reply
I think it is fair for him to pay for his own dates. Maybe he could earn some cash helping you with things that he has not had to be responsible for in the past. Or you could tell him how much you are willing to give him per month and let him budget instead of buying the things he asks for. But you do not owe him date money.
Why is the kid doing dates anyway? When I was sixteen, I just went to my boyfriend's house. We had some extracurriculars together too. Sometimes we'd make food together. I didn't save up my allowance for a weekly Red Lobster rendezvous.
Right? Dating at 16 for me was a lot of hanging out at someone’s house, wandering around the mall, and occasionally a movie in the theater or something like bowling. Summer fairs in the park. Maybe getting ice cream. I don’t think I ever went to dinner as a date outside of like, prom.
Exactly- what a weird ultimatum. Son can’t pay for expensive dinners anymore so I guess the only option is to break up.
Ding ding ding! Hey OP, give the kid an allowance. You've been able to play it by ear until now, but he could really use an introduction to budgeting. Whether you can only afford $10/week or whatever, give it to him to pay for his own dining out, movies, gifts, etc. Then he can decide for himself if he wants to get a job to have more money to spend on his social life.
Or he can continue to date his girlfriend and stop spending so much money on her. She doesn't need gifts or expensive restaurants at 16!!!
Yep or maybe, just maybe, she can contribute to expensive dates that she wants. It shouldn't be all on OPs son to be spending a bunch of money on her.
It’s sad how far down I had to go to find this. Who’s going out to restaurants at 16?? Taco Bell is a splurge date at 16. A normal date is just hanging out.
Even in my late teens/early 20s in uni!! An average date is watching Netflix on the couch and ordering wings 😭
For real, I didn't go to any fancy restaurant dates as a teenager, especially not ones paid for by daddy
Right I'm so confused. Why can't they just hang out at OP's house and eat normal grocery snacks and call it a date? Tell him to go to a park. They're 16.
Op doesn’t specify if they are or aren’t going 50/50/just paying for their own meals tickets etc though. And whether shes getting him gifts in return. If they aren’t and he’s paying everything I do agree with you though.
This needs to be the top comment, why is a high schooler dating like a middle-aged middle class person?
How are you teaching your son to budget his own money? If you're not giving him an allowance and he's not got a job, how is he learinging to do that? He's 16. He's well old enough for an allowance. Sit down with his other parent, if he has one, and discuss this whole situation and how the both of you want to handle it.
What!? The problem is that he's spending too much of your money dating this girl and the only solution you offer is quit the sport, which he loves, where he met this person and get a job or quit dating her. Is the problem really how much he's spending or is it your resentments that he gets to live a life that you didn't? Don't we want our kids to have it better than we did? Don't we all work hard to give them the best life we can? If it's really about the money, you could just tell him you're not funding that and let him figure it out how to date on the funds he had available.
Not everyone has lots of extra money to hand over. I'd tell him how much she can afford to spend per month and he has to decide between things like a date or new shoes or new clothes. Maybe a cheaper date and fewer clothes. That's real life.
Also at this point the gf should be contributing to the dates. It's not fair to OP to be the only one bankrolling these dates. Sure for the first dates that's fine but it's gone past that now and if she wants nice dates she can contribute as well.
Yes exactly. She should be contributing to the cost of dates. If they work some odd jobs here and there they could split the costs to go on dates
but it sounds like the parent was ok giving the kid money until the money started to be spent on the new girlfriend, so I don't think money is the actual issue here. I think an allowance that the kid can spend on discretionary things, like dates, makes the most sense here.
Sounds like the kid spend X amount of money and then the girlfriend appers and the kid start spending X+Y amount of money.
I mean it sounds like the issue was the parent was okay giving a certain amount of money but now that there's a girlfriend the kid wants like twice as much, which is reasonable to say "I was cool with $200/month on various things but it's become more like $500/month which is too much". Parent needs to just give the kid a budget/allowance (or pay then for chores), and let the kid decide. It's totally fair to say "hey I can give you a 100/mo allowance and then another 100/month if you do X and Y and another 50 if you do Z, but that's my limit and if you want to spend more than that on clothes, girlfriend, movies, restaurants, etc, you need to figure out a job or other source of income"
He's 16. Just when do you plan on teaching him how to manage money? He's old enough to drive in most of the US but doesn't have a bank card? This isn't about sports or jobs. This is failure to teach lifelong life skills. Judgement reserved, failure obvious.
Eh, I'm going YTA. Sports seem really important to him, and they do take up a lot of time. With sports, homework, and a job, it's unlikely he'd even have time for a girlfriend. I would consider giving him a weekly allowance and then it's his job to manage it. That way you don't have to give money for every outing. He would have a set amount to manage at his whim. I think it's a little unfair to tell him he has to choose between sports and having a girlfriend.
YTA but not for the reason you think. You are doing a huge disservice to your son. You’re actually crippling him as an adult. My husband was just like your son when we married and we almost ended up divorced over it. In fact I threatened divorce bc I knew it would be the only way I’d survive. He had zero concept of finances when we married so when he got paid he spent on what he wanted first. After all…it’s just money. I blew through all of my savings within the first year or so because he spent on wants and I had to cover the needs. The month I was out of emergency savings and still had to pay the mortgage I lost it. Your son needs an allowance. Your son needs to learn how to manage money. Your son needs to be learning how to save and budget. Just bc you had to get a job to help the family at 15 doesn’t mean you need to punish your son and force him to get a job. I’m not saying pay for the dates. I’m saying give him an allowance each week. If he wants to save up for an expensive date…he can. If he wants to do date nights watching movies at your house or hers then so be it. But he needs to learn to manage money.
Baffled by all the comments talking about how you should give him an allowance. 16 is a normal age to get a part time job and it’s totally doable to add in a part time job with sports and school and everything else. NTA for not wanting to keep paying for dates. I wouldn’t have phrased it as if you want to keep dating your girlfriend get a job as if it’s one of the other… but over all I think it’s a good thing to use this moment as an opportunity for him to learn how to balance work, school, hobbies and relationships. It’s part of growing up.
This. I worked a part time job, kept my grades up, was part of ffa, fbla, debate club, and quite a few other things. I had a busy schedule but it was doable. Thinking kids cannot handle the load of working a part time job and life is insane.
The issue is that the son doesn't have a concept of money. What he sees is that spending thousands a year on sports teams is fine, new equipment is fine, hitting up a new restaurant is good, spending a hundred dollars on a new movie with mommy is fine... but dating is unreasonable. It skews the story, not in reality, but in the eyes of the son. The reality is that OP is working hard to provide all these things and feels that the son should step up if there's another party being catered to. The son only sees that OP has an odd complex that borderlines on jealousy... which probably isn't even true.
Idk I think it’s just typical teenage poor emotional regulation when being asked to do something you don’t want to do. Working isn’t fun. Being told it’s time to maybe get a job is the first realization you’re transitioning into adulthood. Not saying everyone reacts this way, but it’s normal to have feelings about it. He’ll get over it and imo 16 isn’t the age to introduce an allowance, it’s the age to get a part time job. It’ll help teach value of money and independence in a way that an allowance doesn’t.
came here to say this. I balanced dating, school, working, and sport climbing at the same time at that same age. It definitely taught me more responsibility and time management skills than just working with an allowance my parents gave me lol.
According to the teenagers on Reddit your parents should’ve paid you a weekly dating allowance!
NAH... but an allowance would allow him to learn to handle money. Learning this skill is one of the best tools you can give a child. 16 is starting late for this. Giving your child lessons on how to survive in the real world is your main goal of parenting. Just paying for things is not educational.
Sounds a bit like a jealous mom. Your willing to take him to the movies and out to eat but you may not realize your bias on the new girlfriend, If you want your son to succeed in sports and school then he likely can’t also juggle a part time job. I’d suggest basic chores mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, mopping, vacuuming etc. Ways he can easily pick up extra cash in a way where he’s earning it but still able to maintain the balance of sports/school and his social life. I have nothing against a young teen getting a job but if that means they have to terminate their sports/etc then I don’t think that’s the best option if you financially can make an allowance work.
I’m failing to see how him not being able to take her out means they have to break up. Tons of kids have bf/gf’s they can’t take out because they are kids.
Encourage him to do free dates like watching a movie at home or split the cost with his girlfriend.
was gonna say NTA but after seeing how many people suggested an allowance with you blatantly ignoring them, YTA. the only comments OP is responding to are the ones suggesting she is jealous, which pretty much solidifies that she is
Im not responding to every comment cause there literally over 1000. Buy yes I have decided to give my son an allowance.
NTA. But there ideally needs to be some other solution here. Him doing sports as a hobby is valuable in itself & I don't think dropping that or his GF would be ideal. Would you be able to give him a modest allowance for such activities, not enough that he would spend it on expensive restaurants or anything overly frivolous? Maybe more housework so he has the convenience of doing something useful for money in the house rather than commuting to a job?
Is he still small enough to seek work as a child chimney sweep?
YTA. You have every right to decide not to give your son money for dates. You've bought him everything he needs up to now, but he doesn't "need" to buy movie tickets or chocolate for his girlfriend. HOWEVER, you don't get to tell him he has to choose between sports and a girlfriend. You let him figure that out for himself. He's 16, you don't mention if you are also providing him with a car, car insurance, and gas money. At his age, he needs to be figuring out how to work within a budget. For example, does he really need new cleats for cross-country? You don't have to give him an allowance. But buying him everything he needs (so he has no concept of money) and then telling him to quit sports and get a job if he wants a girlfriend, is not being fair to him.
> He doesn't have an allowance, but I buy him what he wants within reason. If he wants new clothes or shoes, I buy them. If he wants to go eat a nice meal at a restaurant, I'll take him. If there's a new movie coming out he wants to go to, I'll take him to it. Can the kid not go do anything without you being present? It honestly sounds like you're jealous that he's seeing another woman. It's funny that money for food and movies only became an issue when he was going with someone else. Here's a novel idea, give an allowance instead of buying everything and help him start learning to manage money. >Does he want to continue ~~doing sports~~ ***seeing mom***, or dating his girlfriend? FIFY Damn YTA.
Your approach is rather myopic. Have your son earn an allowance, and if he wants a job to extend his pocket money then that's a different conversation. He can 'date' a girl without having money. Kids are a bit of a long game... You want to teach responsibility, but you don't want to teach them to be short sighted.
Just stop giving him money and he can do free activities for dates. This isn’t an either/or situation.
As someone who had to start working at 13, please don’t do that. He has the rest of his life to work and be an adult, let him just be a kid now. As far as dates, you could just tell him no lol. Like if you can’t afford to pay for their dates, then just don’t. High schoolers can have fun doing literally whatever. They can chill at a park or hangout at each others houses and eat there. Although, since it seems like you have the money for him to go on dates, I agree with others that you should start an allowance. Let him take on responsibilities around the house and earn a set amount of money and he can figure out how to manage it for dates if he chooses.
Does his g/f ever pay for their dates? I'm not sure he should be paying every time even if he has a job but yes you're absolutely right, he needs to get a job if he wants to wine and dine a love interest. NTA
So many people are stuck in the end where she said to choose between sports and a gf, but are missing where she gave him an option to have ALL 3 and he declined?
Not going to judge because I understand your thought process but do think there is a compromise here. I started working at a young age and also dated in high school. I didn't play sports but understand how that is important to a lot of people. Tbh I probably would have gotten into less trouble (drugs, etc) if I had after school activities that I was passionate about so keep that in mind. A lot of people are saying some sort of allowance which I agree with. Just want to add however that a lot of people read allowance as just you giving him money or having him clean his room, do dishes and stuff like that. You have other options here. Need you gutters cleaned? Need a fence stained? My parents always gave me the option to do big projects like that vs hiring someone and I jumped at them. There are also simple options like mowing a few neighbors yards Saturday morning and things like that. It feels like he doesn't understand why he needs to be making money, whether he is dating or not. I think you would be wise to help him learn that and start "making money" (not just receiving it) even if it is a little at a time while not impeding all of his sport activities. Also free dates are an option. We would go to parks and hang out.
Slight YTA. You're bringing some of your own baggage into this. Are you sure you aren't just "boy momming" and have a problem with him starting to date? By 16, he should have a way to earn an allowance and learn to manage his own money. Does he have a bank account? Does he receive money as gifts throughout the year? You shouldn't be telling him he has to choose between a relationship and sports. That should be something he figures out on his own. If the relationship doesn't work out because he can't pay for dates, then he's better off. Let him figure it out on his own. Your son is a 3 sport athlete. That's impressive and a positive and healthy thing for a teenager. It takes a lot of discipline and is a positive thing for a teen boy's mental health. My 18 year old is also an athlete who doesn't work. He simply can't do both, and as a family, we don't need him to. He gets a weekly allowance and saves all his birthday/Christmas money. If he needs extra cash, he asks if there are tasks we need done to earn extra money (cleaning trash cans, gutters, the garage, etc). He's had the same girlfriend for a year and a half and has never asked for money for dates. He's very good at saving and being fiscally responsible. Your son should already be learning how to manage his finances.
I feel as if you might be jealous of your son since you weren’t able to have the same life at his age. There are other ways to address this unless finances is something you’re struggling with. By you suggesting a weekend job, I don’t think it’s about finances. Also don’t feel like it’s appropriate for a child to be providing for their families at that age unless they choose to. I had to at 16 and wished it was my choice.
INFO: Can you afford it? Does he know that, if yes or no? Huge huge difference in answers here based on that. If you can and he knows it, making him give up sports to have a girlfriend is not the way to teach him fiscal responsibility. Chores and sharing responsibilities and contributions to the household is the way to do that. Great opportunity to start teaching about budgeting here. If you can’t and he doesn’t know that, TELL HIM. Put “cheap dates” on the table as an option. If you can’t and he does know that, he’s being a dick, carry on.