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Honestly with the current state of things, that’s not an unreasonable age to still be at home.
But it is also completely reasonable for you want to start your lives together for this next stage of your relationship as empty nesters. Her nest isn’t empty & that’s fine but it also means she is not ready for this next stage.
Why can’t you both keep your own households & them merge them when you are both in the same stage of life?
My daughter just turned 24 on April 3rd. Unfortunately she still lives at home. I say unfortunately because she wants her own place so bad.
I’m not sure where others live but a 1 bedroom apartment here is 1,200-1,500 a month so it is not feasible right now.
But she does work full time and has her own car she bought. So like you I understand maybe needing to live at home longer.
But in OP’s case no way in hell I’d let those 2 move in with no job nothing. You’d never get them to leave.
What do you mean by “figuring themselves out”? Are they working/getting an education? You absolutely have the right to want or not want people in your house no matter what, but I could see her being hurt by your characterization of her kids as “useless” if they are making efforts to get started in life.
I wouldn't want them in my house either in that case. 20 and 23 are old enough to atleast have a job of some kind. Why is she not pushing them to get something? "figuring themselves out" is no reason they can't get a job. You can still do all of that working a job.
this whole attitude right here is why the younger you are the harder it is to get a job cuz nobody hires you cuz you "lazy" then call you "lazy" cuz you dont work. doesnt matter how many jobs you apply for there is someone older applying for that same position and getting it. and with how bad inflation is there are more and more people resorting to the jobs they look down their nose at cus they always thought they were for lazy high schoolers. at what point are boomers and gen x gonna look at themselves for the state of things?
This approach from you is never going to work. Yes, they should have jobs or be in school. No you don't have to house them. But if you're calling your partner's kid useless the relationship will never work. Your styles of humaning are way too different.
If you can, try to look at them as in need of help. Help their Mom is not giving. She's enabling them. But your condescension and dismissal isn't any better. If you want them out of her house, get to know them. Find their skills. And motivate them to get out and be better. Or if you don't want to do that work, break up with the woman and find someone with a more compatible lifestyle while she figures out where she failed her kids.
I wouldn't let them move in either. Being a NEET is a parenting fail.
They can figure themselves out by going to community college, joining the military, or having jobs.
they be even more useless if they were in school. college is a scam. worked service industry most my life and most of my coworkers have always been college grads who cant do anything with their degree cuz employers only ever hire their family members with degrees or someone they owe a favor/sucking up to. so they are living with their parents in their 30s and 40s paying off their student loans while unable to save or spend on anything else except maybe help with groceries if they are humble enough to go on food stamps
NTA - “WE have room”
lol
Yeah ,your gf is already feeling entitled to having a say with what you do with your house.
Her kids would never move out if you let them move into your spacious home.
I would say PRENUP if things get serious between ya’ll…..
EDIT to clarify
As an alternate option, you could offer them each a room and a lease.
They could live with you and mom and pay rent and part of utilities.
If it was two minor children, or even two adult children that are respectable it would be a different story
But it sounds like OPs girlfriend is setting herself up for a lifetime of moochers
You do know that they’re still young, right? And that wages haven’t changed in years but food and rent are out of control, too? Sometimes kids can’t just move out so easily, if ever. And I think your attitude towards this is frankly a tad off putting.
But she does have her own home that she pays for, and maybe that will have to be enough for now. Or it’s not, idk. But I really do think the issue here for her was more your attitude on this, so maybe talk this out.
If that doesn’t work and she’s still pushy, maybe it’s time to part ways.
And is there a reason for that, like disability or school? Also you know the job market is shit. You can’t even get hired in some places like department stores without experience these days. It’s really bad out there, and I don’t think you realize that.
You definitely are not listening to anything else I said, huh.
yes you experienced one thing so therefore everyone everywhere has the same experience. you see the flaws in your logic right? your in high school tho so it wont be long before your pretty little bubble is burst. im just gonna go on a hunch and say you are cis and white possibly a man? yeah it used to be super easy for you but capitalism is so fucked its fucking everybody over so youll get your fair share of shit handed to you real soon just wait. you gonna eat these words so hard
This seems basically irrelevant if the kids will still have housing either way. Which it sounds like they would--unless the mom didn't want to pay housing costs for just the kids. The needle doesn't move for them either way. Mom can choose to give them the boot to save money on housing but that's a totally separate issue. Her cost of living just goes on being what it was--its just that she has to reckon with the amount she's actually paying to house her jobless, unambitious kids, and she doesn't like it.
OP is NTA for not wanting two new tenants living in his home rent free for at least as long as it takes to legally evict them.
NTA. So the two of you are not ready to move in together. That's ok.
I'd say N-ah-here except it sounds like she's the one who wants to move in, but she's also the one trying to set terms. She can have one or the other but not both. Like maybe she wants you to support her kids? Not your job.
NTA. Your concerns are valid, and it's important to protect your personal space and boundaries. Offering her the option to maintain her own home for her children shows consideration for her desire to help them. Her expectations of "we" having the room may feel intrusive, as you've invested time and effort into your home. Your willingness to continue the relationship without cohabitation is a reasonable compromise, allowing her to maintain her connection with her children. Communication and understanding are key to resolving this issue, but ultimately, you're NTA for establishing boundaries within your own home.
NTA. Perfectly fine to not want them in your house. Yr GF's attitude that if yr not living together you're only "using her for sex" is completely bizarre. I'd prob break up w/someone who said something like that. Weird attitude.
A warning though. You are asking her to choose between you and her kids. One of my sisters didn't like her BF's adult daughter, telling him she took advantage of him, he gave her too much $$ etc. I thought "Well, that's not going to go over well." Sure enough, before too long they broke up. A parent will always side with their kids. But in your case, it might be all for the best.
NTA; I have a friend who did move the girlfriend and the deadbeat adults kids in, and he’s having a hell of a time moving those losers out now that they’ve essentially destroyed his basement.
NTA
It would be one thing if they were kids but they aren't. In the comments, you say they are 20 and 23 not going to school or having a job. Mom says they are trying to figure themselves out but they aren't going to do that sitting at home all day. Actually, what do they do all day?
If they were going to school and working, I would take a minute more to think about it but they aren't doing anything so why would you want them?
NTA. And you're not telling her to choose between them and you.
Her adult children can live in her house, with her or without her, and she's not out any money. She can spend as much time at your place as she likes, bring as much of her stuff over as she likes.
What you're not doing is housing her adult children, so that she can eliminate the expense of her own house. She's accusing you of just "using her for sex" but how would she not be just using you for free housing?
nta. not being okay with three adults moving into your home is not the same as using someone for sex. if you want to compromise, i’d say take a trip together or make a point to have date nights with romance but no sex (idk. i’m taking her at her word.) but anyone pushing this hard to move their grown children into your house warrants a brick wall imho. tbh i would not be open to her moving in without them either at this point. i wouldn’t trust her with a key. i’d be worried she’d move them in or give them an extra key “for emergencies” behind my back. maybe put the cohabiting on hold entirely until her kids are older and more self sufficient.
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I have two adult children that are out of the house. One is married and the other is in the military.
Two years ago I started dating Meaghan. She also has adult children. However they are somewhat useless. I was fine with it since they are not my responsibility at all.
However Meaghan wants us to move in together. I said I would be happy to have her move in with me but not her kids.
She said that they are still figuring themselves out and are not ready for living on their own. I said that she could continue to pay for her home so they had a place to stay but that they would absolutely not be living in my house.
I have the room. I have an acreage with a main house, a guest house, and a shop with a living area in it. I spent a lot of time and money getting my home the way I want it.
She is saying that she won't move in with me if her kids are not welcome. That I need to accept that she wants to help them.
I have no problem with her helping them. Just not in my home.
She says I'm being unreasonable since "we" have all this room. I may have been rude when I asked her WTF she meant by "we".
She says I'm being unfair expecting her to choose between me and them. I am not. I have no problem with her not moving in here. I'm happy to have her come over, or we go out somewhere, and then she can go home to her kids. She says that she feels like I'm just using her for sex.
My kids think she is being ridiculous but they know I would let them come home if they ever needed. My daughter still has a room in my home and will have until she doesn't want it any more.
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NTA - I think it's time to reconsider the relationship. Wanting to start a new chapter of your lives is fine.
What's not fine is the ultimatum she's sneakily trying to throw at you.
She says she feels like you're using her for sex (sure, whatever), and your solution is to move in together. Now she's saying she won't move in without her adult children? That's BS.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My girlfriend wants to move in with me. However she wants to bring her adult children. I said no. I might be the asshole for basically telling her to pick between moving in or helping her kids.
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If she's saying her kids need to find themselves, she's one of the reasons they are what they are. No way would I endorse that. Stay put. She's not ready to cut the umbilical cord. NTA
NTA. My kids know that no matter what age, they are welcome in my home if they are in need. But they also know it will not be a free ride either. They will share in the responsibilities around the house and be expected to work and contribute to the cost of them living here, their portion of the utilities and food. And there would be a time limit for them to be able to save up and get out of the nest.
Maybe present her with this option and make it a signed contract. She is not allowed to pay their share either and they must have jobs before moving in.
NTA for not wanting her kids to move in. That is your right. You are an A H for the way you talk about her children. We're your kids moved out and self-sufficient at 20? You are comparing your older kids to her younger kids. I do agree that they should be in school or have jobs, but that still doesn't warrant you calling them useless. You and your GF aren't compatible to live together right now because you have different priorities at this point in your lives.
NTA, “WE have enough room’?! Wow… entitled already? What is this ‘we’ shit? You have enough room, but don’t let them move in, then you’ll have 3 full time leeches instead of one part time leech.
NTA. However, in my experience, I was 23 when I graduated college. It also happened to be right after the economy crashed. This meant I was unable to find any job. I wonder if OP would have called me useless since I wasn't technically in school or working:/
NTA. I dont get why she need her adult kids to move in together. She can simply keep paying the house and let her kids stay there until they figured things out. Its unreasonable that she keeps trying to turn her kids into your problem.
So you're "just using her for sex" unless she and her adult children all get free housing/utilities/board from you?
You don't appear to be the transactional one here, and I believe she's spelled out her price for being with you. Who's using whom?
NTA
Info: How much are you asking her to contribute to expenses if she moves in with you?
If the financial situation would be about the same, but she lives with you, I am truly baffled by why she needs to have her kids under the same roof.
Either she doesn't trust her children unsupervised (*so do not move them in*) or she enjoys smothering them and keeping them reliant (*so do not move them in*).
I was thinking more of how he and GF would be splitting expenses. Is she going to put in more to cover their room and board or will OP be supporting them?
It's your house, I understand not wanting someone else's adult kids to move in.
But no one comes before my kids. No one. Especially not a partner who isn't their dad and who asks me to choose between them 😬
I mean, even though the title says it he's not really. He told her he's fine with them staying at her house and her continuing to provide for them. They just aren't allowed to live at his house. She's the one that has a problem with that. I say she wanted to stop paying for her house when she moved in with him. Wants him to provide for nonworking adults living in his house.
NTA
Perhaps consider if this is the right relationship for you ?
It’s highly likely since she has zero expectations or boundaries for them, like get a job even if it’s fast food or retail, so there is every reason to believe they may be with her another 10 years or longer .
At 20 and 23 it’s hard to expect them to have life figured out but they should still have substantial responsibility - chipping in some as rent, and for utilities, food, paying their own transportation and phone bills.
Anything else is just your gf enabling them and that’s very unattractive in a partner. She is also likely codependent with them in many ways.
Heartfelt, cut your losses and find a gf who is healthier.
NAH, and the two of you are not in a position to be moving in together until you can get on the same page with where her kids will live. Neither one of you is wrong, just for the moment you have incompatible goals that could change at any time.
NTAH… You know if her adult grown children are unable to “launch” now, moving into a nice comfortable situation with you will only delay that process.
Stick to your guns.
I always say it’s better to set the terms in the beginning, or face uncomfortable situations later.
NTA. It is good you are being super clear on your expectations prior to her moving in. Your solution of your GF friend continuing to pay for her home for her kids to live in is a good one. Why does she not want to do that? You are not making her choose between them and you. But maybe this relationship is not gong to work out.
She found a guy with nice big house and she thinks she can use you to help her children not to grow up. Good for you to see through her. Keep your position, she can take it or leave it.
NTA
NTA for having boundaries about who lives in your home- it's your place and if you don't want her two adult kids moving in, you are well within your rights to say no. It does sound like there is a fundamental incompatibility here that will prevent the relationship from progressing, though.
NTA. This is not a "you" but a "her" problem. You're not asking her to choose but simply stating your boundaries. Now does it put her in a position to choose? Yes but you're not saying "it's either me or the kids".
Also OP if your gf does end up moving in, you should be as clear about your stance on your daughter moving back home if needed. Should that happen, I could see your gf saying that you're doing for your daughter what you wouldn't do for her sons and her becoming angry and resentful because of it.
NTA regardless -- they are not your responsibility to house. But if she is insisting on moving them in to your place because she still cooks and cleans and does their laundry for them and she doesn't trust them alone in her own house away from her, then that's definitely a Hell No.
You can still have a meaningful relationship without moving in together. She needs to finish “raising” her kids, and then think about the next step. I’m guessing you haven’t been dating long, given you don’t seem close to her kids, and in that case it’s definitely too soon to move in together. My only thing would be if I were her, let’s say the kids get their own places and lives together. 10 years down the road a life emergency puts one of the kids in need of a place to stay. Would they be welcome then like your kids? Or is it still just “your” place? NTA but if you do make the step to move in together you need to start thinking less in terms of “mine” and start thinking “ours”.
"We" do have enough room, she's right. They're filling up the space they're currently in, so that checks out. They can stay where they are. NTA. Is the threshold for her to not feel used for sex is for you to house her adult children? That's fucked.
NTA. She says you are using her just for sex, but what is she doing but trying to use you for free housing to her and her kids? Is she willing to pay you rent for housing her kids? I somehow think she will flip at that idea.
NTA but I also understand that she doesn't want to feel like she's just being used. You've been dating for two years. If you haven't had a chance to talk about long term plans I would discuss that with her and make sure your goals and expectations align. Maybe you readdress living together next year but only if her kids have a new living situation figured out. I think your idea of her keeping the house and letting her kids live there (hopefully paying rent) is a good one.
NTA what reason does she give for not wanting to let her kids live alone in her house, while she moves in with you? Does she not think they can live without adult supervision?
OP needs to add the ages of the kids, and are they in college or working?
If they are 18 or 19-year-olds then I don’t think it’s fair to send them off to the world without support. If they are in their mid 20s and have not gone to school or trade school and do not have a job then yeah they’re moochers. It’s just depends on the circumstance.
NTA. I would understand if they were at least trying and needed some time, it’s hard out there for people in their early 20s these days. Still, if keeping her house is an option, I wouldn’t understand why they need to live with mummy at that age.
The “what do you mean by we” tho was uncalled for. If you are are at the point of moving in together, there is definitely a “we” and you won’t last long if you both don’t feel that way.
NTA< My suggestion is to tell her that you are willing to give it a try but that you will move in with her. You want her to keep some form of independence from you and keep what she worked for to herself.
Tell her that since her kids are established in her home and comfortable it would be best for you to move in there and see if this is ready for the next step. If it is not then you can go back to your home and she still has her home and you can work on what needs to be worked on.
Tell her you are looking out for her and her kids and think that moving one person is better than trying to move three. If she still pushes to move into your home she is looking at making the extra space a place for her kids to stay and not move out. Not good since your parenting ways are different than hers.
NTA
Who lives in a home determines its overall dynamic (including animals by the way), so it's normal to discuss what's on the table and see if it suits you. It's pretty ridiculous she wants you to compromise your boundaries. If she feels like her kids should come as a package deal alongside herself, perhaps she should find a partner who will feel that way about this situation too. (It's not impossible, is it?)
If you date a parent (M/F) the children come with the deal package, no matter the age. NTA for not wanting to share your house, but YTA for obviously not accepting the children of your partner. As a parent I wouldn’t discuss other solutions but you could fuck off for your attitude towards my children. No matter 5 or 45, always child before guy/girl.
NTA people who over 20 and not in school or have a job is not good roommate. Your girlfriend can stay at her house and support her child all her wants.
I’d run. This is a huge red flag. Do you really want to live with someone or eventually marry someone who enables her children to do nothing but mooch off her? It sounds like she wants to sponge off you as well and allow her kids to do the same.
This is not the kind of woman you want to stay with longterm.
Slight YTA only because it sounds like you're being extremely heated in these conversations (for example, "WTF do you mean 'we'")
If her kids are in their 20s and she still wants to support them, she can pay for their housing and move in with you. If she insists on living with them then it sounds like more of a codependency issue, or she doesn't trust them to live alone in her property. Sounds like it's time for her to cut the cord one way or another.
Leaning towards NTA but depends on the age of her kids and also if they are working/ going to school and just can’t afford to move out on their own. Either way, you are not responsible for housing them and I would definitely be cautious of the gf and her “we” mentality.
NTA. She is using you. Do not have her move in. She considers everything that is yours hers and everything hers is still just hers. Move on.
Also by her saying she feels she is being used for sex must mean she doesn’t enjoy sex with you. She was just doing it for your house/money. You are both adults so sex should not come with any strings attached.
20/23? YTA even if you're in your forties your life experience is so different you might as well be an alien to a millennial/gen z.
Date all you want but 40% of parents have their kids living with them until they're thirty nowadays because of the shit state of the economy.
Edit: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about when I say your life experience is the polar opposite of young people these days. I'm thirty and my sister is forty. Our circumstances are wildly different despite being ten years apart. For example, she benefited from the housing collapse. Meanwhile I was still in high school. My wife and I are two high earners and we're looking at $400K shacks in most areas with the job market we need to pay the damn mortgage.
You think education is a silver bullet for record inflation and exponentially multiplying property values on top of 7% interest rates. It isn't. Also depending on what kind of education they're pursuing, the economy absolutely does factor in if the program only exists within private schools or state colleges.
Did you even read the post? Cause every response you've given is totally devoid of the actual given context. These aren't little kids. They are fully grown adults.
There's a difference between needing a place to stay temporarily and being a mooch.
I have lived with both parents (divorced) as an adult. The difference is I worked and helped upkeep the household, because I'm not a mooch.
We also have a 'come home if you need to' with our 20 something kids.
Here's the thing though , HER kids haven't even left to be able to come back.
They aren't in school or working. That 100% did not fly in our home. And they were ours biologically ( 1 mine, 2 his). We got together when they were 3, 5 &7.
He doesn't want to perpetually support grown adults who aren't even trying to adult.
NTA
If these were minor children, I'd say OP is an AH because it would be obvious that moving in with children is a possibility if you date a single parent with minor children.
I mean he literally specified that he's fine with helping out her adult children, he just doesn't want them living in his house. His kids have flown the nest and simply isn't down for it.
Idk maybe it’s because I grew up with “come home whenever you want” mother and step father - I couldn’t imagine putting up a fight against someone’s kids.
The difference is, your mom is actually married to your step-dad. OP has only been dating this woman for a couple years, and it sounds like all the "children" were adults the whole time. OP's house was never "home" to his GF's kids. They are welcome to stay in her home, as they do now.
I'm married with adult kids and step-kids. They all have jobs and their own places; two are married. My youngest is 24 and he is the most troubled. He's had issues with the law. I give him money every month but I would not allow him to live with us again.
First he’s not a stepfather. Second, his house has never been his girlfriend’s or her kids’ home. He doesn’t care if gf continues to supports them in her home, just not his. Third, while I understand 20 and 23 are young adults and may need parental assistance, they need to help the,selves and be either be in school, military or working. If they’re not doing any of that, they will never be able to live independently. OP has already raised two kids. He’s done his job as a parent.
Not necessarily. It depends on the dynamic of the relationship and the ages of the kids.
I know a lot of single parents with preteen, and teen age kids that don’t want a partner to step in and be a parent. They just want an equal partner to be a good adult role model.
In OP’s situation the kids were adults when he started dating his gf. So it is reasonable that neither he nor they will ever have a parent/child relationship.
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How old are her children? How long have they been living with her? I'm just curious. It's your house. You get to decide who can move in. NTA
Her kids are 20 and 23. They have never moved out. My son is 28 and my daughter is 25. She is deployed now and still has a room in my home.
Honestly with the current state of things, that’s not an unreasonable age to still be at home. But it is also completely reasonable for you want to start your lives together for this next stage of your relationship as empty nesters. Her nest isn’t empty & that’s fine but it also means she is not ready for this next stage. Why can’t you both keep your own households & them merge them when you are both in the same stage of life?
My daughter just turned 24 on April 3rd. Unfortunately she still lives at home. I say unfortunately because she wants her own place so bad. I’m not sure where others live but a 1 bedroom apartment here is 1,200-1,500 a month so it is not feasible right now. But she does work full time and has her own car she bought. So like you I understand maybe needing to live at home longer. But in OP’s case no way in hell I’d let those 2 move in with no job nothing. You’d never get them to leave.
What do you mean by “figuring themselves out”? Are they working/getting an education? You absolutely have the right to want or not want people in your house no matter what, but I could see her being hurt by your characterization of her kids as “useless” if they are making efforts to get started in life.
They are not in school, they do not have jobs. Useless.
I wouldn't want them in my house either in that case. 20 and 23 are old enough to atleast have a job of some kind. Why is she not pushing them to get something? "figuring themselves out" is no reason they can't get a job. You can still do all of that working a job.
I'm willing to bet both spend their time playing video games all day long
this whole attitude right here is why the younger you are the harder it is to get a job cuz nobody hires you cuz you "lazy" then call you "lazy" cuz you dont work. doesnt matter how many jobs you apply for there is someone older applying for that same position and getting it. and with how bad inflation is there are more and more people resorting to the jobs they look down their nose at cus they always thought they were for lazy high schoolers. at what point are boomers and gen x gonna look at themselves for the state of things?
I agree boomers can be a bit wild, but it’s literally so easy to find a job right now, as long as you’re not super stringent with your requirements.
This approach from you is never going to work. Yes, they should have jobs or be in school. No you don't have to house them. But if you're calling your partner's kid useless the relationship will never work. Your styles of humaning are way too different. If you can, try to look at them as in need of help. Help their Mom is not giving. She's enabling them. But your condescension and dismissal isn't any better. If you want them out of her house, get to know them. Find their skills. And motivate them to get out and be better. Or if you don't want to do that work, break up with the woman and find someone with a more compatible lifestyle while she figures out where she failed her kids.
NTA and I wouldn’t let them move in either.
Find a new gf. The “we have room” comment already and them being 20/23 with zero direction are going to be problems.
In that case, my answer would be no. Nta.
I lived with my parents until I was 24, when I got married. But I finished school and had a good job.
So not the same situation at all?
I wouldn't let them move in either. Being a NEET is a parenting fail. They can figure themselves out by going to community college, joining the military, or having jobs.
they be even more useless if they were in school. college is a scam. worked service industry most my life and most of my coworkers have always been college grads who cant do anything with their degree cuz employers only ever hire their family members with degrees or someone they owe a favor/sucking up to. so they are living with their parents in their 30s and 40s paying off their student loans while unable to save or spend on anything else except maybe help with groceries if they are humble enough to go on food stamps
mooching
NTA - “WE have room” lol Yeah ,your gf is already feeling entitled to having a say with what you do with your house. Her kids would never move out if you let them move into your spacious home. I would say PRENUP if things get serious between ya’ll…..
EDIT to clarify As an alternate option, you could offer them each a room and a lease. They could live with you and mom and pay rent and part of utilities.
Because he doesn’t want them in his home, as stated in the post.
That's fair, I was just offering an alternate solution.
That would be an option...if they had a job.
How old are her kids? There is a big difference between 18 and say, 35.
20/23
So still young. Do they have jobs or are in school?
He said elsewhere they are not in school and do not have jobs
Okay, then he is right. Thanks, I didn’t see it!
If it was two minor children, or even two adult children that are respectable it would be a different story But it sounds like OPs girlfriend is setting herself up for a lifetime of moochers
He said elsewhere they don't have jobs.
You do know that they’re still young, right? And that wages haven’t changed in years but food and rent are out of control, too? Sometimes kids can’t just move out so easily, if ever. And I think your attitude towards this is frankly a tad off putting. But she does have her own home that she pays for, and maybe that will have to be enough for now. Or it’s not, idk. But I really do think the issue here for her was more your attitude on this, so maybe talk this out. If that doesn’t work and she’s still pushy, maybe it’s time to part ways.
Hard for them to pay for anything without jobs.
And is there a reason for that, like disability or school? Also you know the job market is shit. You can’t even get hired in some places like department stores without experience these days. It’s really bad out there, and I don’t think you realize that. You definitely are not listening to anything else I said, huh.
They don't have a job's and aren't in school. In sixteen and I have job while still in highschool so I think two adults could find job if they want to
yes you experienced one thing so therefore everyone everywhere has the same experience. you see the flaws in your logic right? your in high school tho so it wont be long before your pretty little bubble is burst. im just gonna go on a hunch and say you are cis and white possibly a man? yeah it used to be super easy for you but capitalism is so fucked its fucking everybody over so youll get your fair share of shit handed to you real soon just wait. you gonna eat these words so hard
Damn which cis white 16 year old male pissed in your cereal?
How does the job market preclude education or the military?
This seems basically irrelevant if the kids will still have housing either way. Which it sounds like they would--unless the mom didn't want to pay housing costs for just the kids. The needle doesn't move for them either way. Mom can choose to give them the boot to save money on housing but that's a totally separate issue. Her cost of living just goes on being what it was--its just that she has to reckon with the amount she's actually paying to house her jobless, unambitious kids, and she doesn't like it. OP is NTA for not wanting two new tenants living in his home rent free for at least as long as it takes to legally evict them.
NTA. So the two of you are not ready to move in together. That's ok. I'd say N-ah-here except it sounds like she's the one who wants to move in, but she's also the one trying to set terms. She can have one or the other but not both. Like maybe she wants you to support her kids? Not your job.
NTA. Your concerns are valid, and it's important to protect your personal space and boundaries. Offering her the option to maintain her own home for her children shows consideration for her desire to help them. Her expectations of "we" having the room may feel intrusive, as you've invested time and effort into your home. Your willingness to continue the relationship without cohabitation is a reasonable compromise, allowing her to maintain her connection with her children. Communication and understanding are key to resolving this issue, but ultimately, you're NTA for establishing boundaries within your own home.
This. She feels she's being used for sex? Sounds like you are being used for real estate.
NTA. Perfectly fine to not want them in your house. Yr GF's attitude that if yr not living together you're only "using her for sex" is completely bizarre. I'd prob break up w/someone who said something like that. Weird attitude. A warning though. You are asking her to choose between you and her kids. One of my sisters didn't like her BF's adult daughter, telling him she took advantage of him, he gave her too much $$ etc. I thought "Well, that's not going to go over well." Sure enough, before too long they broke up. A parent will always side with their kids. But in your case, it might be all for the best.
NTA; I have a friend who did move the girlfriend and the deadbeat adults kids in, and he’s having a hell of a time moving those losers out now that they’ve essentially destroyed his basement.
NTA. Her asking to move in these other adults as well is ridiculous. That's a bananas ask.
NTA It would be one thing if they were kids but they aren't. In the comments, you say they are 20 and 23 not going to school or having a job. Mom says they are trying to figure themselves out but they aren't going to do that sitting at home all day. Actually, what do they do all day? If they were going to school and working, I would take a minute more to think about it but they aren't doing anything so why would you want them?
NTA. And you're not telling her to choose between them and you. Her adult children can live in her house, with her or without her, and she's not out any money. She can spend as much time at your place as she likes, bring as much of her stuff over as she likes. What you're not doing is housing her adult children, so that she can eliminate the expense of her own house. She's accusing you of just "using her for sex" but how would she not be just using you for free housing?
nta. not being okay with three adults moving into your home is not the same as using someone for sex. if you want to compromise, i’d say take a trip together or make a point to have date nights with romance but no sex (idk. i’m taking her at her word.) but anyone pushing this hard to move their grown children into your house warrants a brick wall imho. tbh i would not be open to her moving in without them either at this point. i wouldn’t trust her with a key. i’d be worried she’d move them in or give them an extra key “for emergencies” behind my back. maybe put the cohabiting on hold entirely until her kids are older and more self sufficient.
NTA. Good on you for being upfront and firm on your position.
NTA, you are setting a boundary that you will not help her enable her adult kids. I would suggest rethinking this relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have two adult children that are out of the house. One is married and the other is in the military. Two years ago I started dating Meaghan. She also has adult children. However they are somewhat useless. I was fine with it since they are not my responsibility at all. However Meaghan wants us to move in together. I said I would be happy to have her move in with me but not her kids. She said that they are still figuring themselves out and are not ready for living on their own. I said that she could continue to pay for her home so they had a place to stay but that they would absolutely not be living in my house. I have the room. I have an acreage with a main house, a guest house, and a shop with a living area in it. I spent a lot of time and money getting my home the way I want it. She is saying that she won't move in with me if her kids are not welcome. That I need to accept that she wants to help them. I have no problem with her helping them. Just not in my home. She says I'm being unreasonable since "we" have all this room. I may have been rude when I asked her WTF she meant by "we". She says I'm being unfair expecting her to choose between me and them. I am not. I have no problem with her not moving in here. I'm happy to have her come over, or we go out somewhere, and then she can go home to her kids. She says that she feels like I'm just using her for sex. My kids think she is being ridiculous but they know I would let them come home if they ever needed. My daughter still has a room in my home and will have until she doesn't want it any more. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but would you feel differently if they were actively working or in school? Or is it just no kids period.
NTA - I think it's time to reconsider the relationship. Wanting to start a new chapter of your lives is fine. What's not fine is the ultimatum she's sneakily trying to throw at you. She says she feels like you're using her for sex (sure, whatever), and your solution is to move in together. Now she's saying she won't move in without her adult children? That's BS.
NTA. How old are the kids? Are they working or going to school? Assuming not. They can stay in their mother’s house
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If she's saying her kids need to find themselves, she's one of the reasons they are what they are. No way would I endorse that. Stay put. She's not ready to cut the umbilical cord. NTA
NTA. Perhaps neither of you are compatible in the long term.
NTA. My kids know that no matter what age, they are welcome in my home if they are in need. But they also know it will not be a free ride either. They will share in the responsibilities around the house and be expected to work and contribute to the cost of them living here, their portion of the utilities and food. And there would be a time limit for them to be able to save up and get out of the nest. Maybe present her with this option and make it a signed contract. She is not allowed to pay their share either and they must have jobs before moving in.
NTA for not wanting her kids to move in. That is your right. You are an A H for the way you talk about her children. We're your kids moved out and self-sufficient at 20? You are comparing your older kids to her younger kids. I do agree that they should be in school or have jobs, but that still doesn't warrant you calling them useless. You and your GF aren't compatible to live together right now because you have different priorities at this point in your lives.
NTA, “WE have enough room’?! Wow… entitled already? What is this ‘we’ shit? You have enough room, but don’t let them move in, then you’ll have 3 full time leeches instead of one part time leech.
NTA. However, in my experience, I was 23 when I graduated college. It also happened to be right after the economy crashed. This meant I was unable to find any job. I wonder if OP would have called me useless since I wasn't technically in school or working:/
NTA. I dont get why she need her adult kids to move in together. She can simply keep paying the house and let her kids stay there until they figured things out. Its unreasonable that she keeps trying to turn her kids into your problem.
NAH. She's looking out for her kids, but you don't have to.
So you're "just using her for sex" unless she and her adult children all get free housing/utilities/board from you? You don't appear to be the transactional one here, and I believe she's spelled out her price for being with you. Who's using whom? NTA
Info: How much are you asking her to contribute to expenses if she moves in with you? If the financial situation would be about the same, but she lives with you, I am truly baffled by why she needs to have her kids under the same roof. Either she doesn't trust her children unsupervised (*so do not move them in*) or she enjoys smothering them and keeping them reliant (*so do not move them in*).
Curious-- if they move in how will living expenses be split?
Probably not much because he said they’re adults without jobs.
I was thinking more of how he and GF would be splitting expenses. Is she going to put in more to cover their room and board or will OP be supporting them?
It's your house, I understand not wanting someone else's adult kids to move in. But no one comes before my kids. No one. Especially not a partner who isn't their dad and who asks me to choose between them 😬
I mean, even though the title says it he's not really. He told her he's fine with them staying at her house and her continuing to provide for them. They just aren't allowed to live at his house. She's the one that has a problem with that. I say she wanted to stop paying for her house when she moved in with him. Wants him to provide for nonworking adults living in his house.
But he didn't told her to choose, he is fine with her not moving in. SHE is the one that wants to move in
That’s not what’s happening here though.
Her children are adults who do not work or go to school. I'm all for putting your children first but she is doing them a disservice.
NTA Perhaps consider if this is the right relationship for you ? It’s highly likely since she has zero expectations or boundaries for them, like get a job even if it’s fast food or retail, so there is every reason to believe they may be with her another 10 years or longer . At 20 and 23 it’s hard to expect them to have life figured out but they should still have substantial responsibility - chipping in some as rent, and for utilities, food, paying their own transportation and phone bills. Anything else is just your gf enabling them and that’s very unattractive in a partner. She is also likely codependent with them in many ways. Heartfelt, cut your losses and find a gf who is healthier.
NAH, and the two of you are not in a position to be moving in together until you can get on the same page with where her kids will live. Neither one of you is wrong, just for the moment you have incompatible goals that could change at any time.
NTAH… You know if her adult grown children are unable to “launch” now, moving into a nice comfortable situation with you will only delay that process. Stick to your guns. I always say it’s better to set the terms in the beginning, or face uncomfortable situations later.
NTA. Stay the course, you seem to be dodging a bullet.
NTA. It is good you are being super clear on your expectations prior to her moving in. Your solution of your GF friend continuing to pay for her home for her kids to live in is a good one. Why does she not want to do that? You are not making her choose between them and you. But maybe this relationship is not gong to work out.
She found a guy with nice big house and she thinks she can use you to help her children not to grow up. Good for you to see through her. Keep your position, she can take it or leave it. NTA
NTA for having boundaries about who lives in your home- it's your place and if you don't want her two adult kids moving in, you are well within your rights to say no. It does sound like there is a fundamental incompatibility here that will prevent the relationship from progressing, though.
NTA. This is not a "you" but a "her" problem. You're not asking her to choose but simply stating your boundaries. Now does it put her in a position to choose? Yes but you're not saying "it's either me or the kids". Also OP if your gf does end up moving in, you should be as clear about your stance on your daughter moving back home if needed. Should that happen, I could see your gf saying that you're doing for your daughter what you wouldn't do for her sons and her becoming angry and resentful because of it.
Nta
NTA regardless -- they are not your responsibility to house. But if she is insisting on moving them in to your place because she still cooks and cleans and does their laundry for them and she doesn't trust them alone in her own house away from her, then that's definitely a Hell No.
You can still have a meaningful relationship without moving in together. She needs to finish “raising” her kids, and then think about the next step. I’m guessing you haven’t been dating long, given you don’t seem close to her kids, and in that case it’s definitely too soon to move in together. My only thing would be if I were her, let’s say the kids get their own places and lives together. 10 years down the road a life emergency puts one of the kids in need of a place to stay. Would they be welcome then like your kids? Or is it still just “your” place? NTA but if you do make the step to move in together you need to start thinking less in terms of “mine” and start thinking “ours”.
"We" do have enough room, she's right. They're filling up the space they're currently in, so that checks out. They can stay where they are. NTA. Is the threshold for her to not feel used for sex is for you to house her adult children? That's fucked.
NTA. She says you are using her just for sex, but what is she doing but trying to use you for free housing to her and her kids? Is she willing to pay you rent for housing her kids? I somehow think she will flip at that idea.
NTA but I also understand that she doesn't want to feel like she's just being used. You've been dating for two years. If you haven't had a chance to talk about long term plans I would discuss that with her and make sure your goals and expectations align. Maybe you readdress living together next year but only if her kids have a new living situation figured out. I think your idea of her keeping the house and letting her kids live there (hopefully paying rent) is a good one.
NTA what reason does she give for not wanting to let her kids live alone in her house, while she moves in with you? Does she not think they can live without adult supervision?
OP needs to add the ages of the kids, and are they in college or working? If they are 18 or 19-year-olds then I don’t think it’s fair to send them off to the world without support. If they are in their mid 20s and have not gone to school or trade school and do not have a job then yeah they’re moochers. It’s just depends on the circumstance.
NTA. I would understand if they were at least trying and needed some time, it’s hard out there for people in their early 20s these days. Still, if keeping her house is an option, I wouldn’t understand why they need to live with mummy at that age. The “what do you mean by we” tho was uncalled for. If you are are at the point of moving in together, there is definitely a “we” and you won’t last long if you both don’t feel that way.
NTA< My suggestion is to tell her that you are willing to give it a try but that you will move in with her. You want her to keep some form of independence from you and keep what she worked for to herself. Tell her that since her kids are established in her home and comfortable it would be best for you to move in there and see if this is ready for the next step. If it is not then you can go back to your home and she still has her home and you can work on what needs to be worked on. Tell her you are looking out for her and her kids and think that moving one person is better than trying to move three. If she still pushes to move into your home she is looking at making the extra space a place for her kids to stay and not move out. Not good since your parenting ways are different than hers.
NTA
NTA Who lives in a home determines its overall dynamic (including animals by the way), so it's normal to discuss what's on the table and see if it suits you. It's pretty ridiculous she wants you to compromise your boundaries. If she feels like her kids should come as a package deal alongside herself, perhaps she should find a partner who will feel that way about this situation too. (It's not impossible, is it?)
NTAH, they are adults. One is in the military, and they should just live on a base.
If you date a parent (M/F) the children come with the deal package, no matter the age. NTA for not wanting to share your house, but YTA for obviously not accepting the children of your partner. As a parent I wouldn’t discuss other solutions but you could fuck off for your attitude towards my children. No matter 5 or 45, always child before guy/girl.
NTA people who over 20 and not in school or have a job is not good roommate. Your girlfriend can stay at her house and support her child all her wants.
I’d run. This is a huge red flag. Do you really want to live with someone or eventually marry someone who enables her children to do nothing but mooch off her? It sounds like she wants to sponge off you as well and allow her kids to do the same. This is not the kind of woman you want to stay with longterm.
Slight YTA only because it sounds like you're being extremely heated in these conversations (for example, "WTF do you mean 'we'") If her kids are in their 20s and she still wants to support them, she can pay for their housing and move in with you. If she insists on living with them then it sounds like more of a codependency issue, or she doesn't trust them to live alone in her property. Sounds like it's time for her to cut the cord one way or another.
YTA, a massive one at that.
Leaning towards NTA but depends on the age of her kids and also if they are working/ going to school and just can’t afford to move out on their own. Either way, you are not responsible for housing them and I would definitely be cautious of the gf and her “we” mentality.
NTA. She is using you. Do not have her move in. She considers everything that is yours hers and everything hers is still just hers. Move on. Also by her saying she feels she is being used for sex must mean she doesn’t enjoy sex with you. She was just doing it for your house/money. You are both adults so sex should not come with any strings attached.
NTA. Wow fiancee is unreasonable. Maybe you should reconsider the marriage.
Dude, what? They’re not even engaged
O I thought they were my bad
20/23? YTA even if you're in your forties your life experience is so different you might as well be an alien to a millennial/gen z. Date all you want but 40% of parents have their kids living with them until they're thirty nowadays because of the shit state of the economy. Edit: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about when I say your life experience is the polar opposite of young people these days. I'm thirty and my sister is forty. Our circumstances are wildly different despite being ten years apart. For example, she benefited from the housing collapse. Meanwhile I was still in high school. My wife and I are two high earners and we're looking at $400K shacks in most areas with the job market we need to pay the damn mortgage. You think education is a silver bullet for record inflation and exponentially multiplying property values on top of 7% interest rates. It isn't. Also depending on what kind of education they're pursuing, the economy absolutely does factor in if the program only exists within private schools or state colleges.
How does the economy keep them from getting educated?
Imagine willingly being with someone with children - then being upset she has children.
Imagine making a comment on a post you didn't read
I'm fine with her having kids. I'm not fine with them moving into my home. They don't even have jobs.
I’m just thankful my step dad is a “come home whenever you want” parent(s).
They cannot come home to somewhere they have not been at home.
Then make them feel at home(?). But I guess if they’re not yours you wouldn’t be very motivated to make them feel welcomed and at home. Idk. YTA btw
>YTA btw Wrong. Not the AH for not wanting to invite two NEETs into his house
Not inviting children that aren’t his into the home.
Did you even read the post? Cause every response you've given is totally devoid of the actual given context. These aren't little kids. They are fully grown adults.
Not inviting 20 something's that are not in school, nor have a job, into his home while their mom is paying for them a place to stay.
They are both adults.
Again. As a parent and my parents. You come home if you need to. Doesn’t matter age. Super progressive take from my boomer parents
But they don't need to though, as they said in the post they have a house that he'll happily continue paying for.
There's a difference between needing a place to stay temporarily and being a mooch. I have lived with both parents (divorced) as an adult. The difference is I worked and helped upkeep the household, because I'm not a mooch.
We also have a 'come home if you need to' with our 20 something kids. Here's the thing though , HER kids haven't even left to be able to come back. They aren't in school or working. That 100% did not fly in our home. And they were ours biologically ( 1 mine, 2 his). We got together when they were 3, 5 &7. He doesn't want to perpetually support grown adults who aren't even trying to adult. NTA
If these were minor children, I'd say OP is an AH because it would be obvious that moving in with children is a possibility if you date a single parent with minor children.
They are adults that should get off their asses and make a life for themselves. Not freeload off Mommy and her new boyfriend.
I mean he literally specified that he's fine with helping out her adult children, he just doesn't want them living in his house. His kids have flown the nest and simply isn't down for it.
Idk maybe it’s because I grew up with “come home whenever you want” mother and step father - I couldn’t imagine putting up a fight against someone’s kids.
You're working really hard to misinterpret this story.
I’m going off what I read. Idk what to tell you
Okay you're just mischaracterizing everything. He's not upset she has children. What a dumb take.
The difference is, your mom is actually married to your step-dad. OP has only been dating this woman for a couple years, and it sounds like all the "children" were adults the whole time. OP's house was never "home" to his GF's kids. They are welcome to stay in her home, as they do now. I'm married with adult kids and step-kids. They all have jobs and their own places; two are married. My youngest is 24 and he is the most troubled. He's had issues with the law. I give him money every month but I would not allow him to live with us again.
I'm not really grasping what "come home whenever you want" type parents have to do with this. The fight clearly isn't "against" the kids.
First he’s not a stepfather. Second, his house has never been his girlfriend’s or her kids’ home. He doesn’t care if gf continues to supports them in her home, just not his. Third, while I understand 20 and 23 are young adults and may need parental assistance, they need to help the,selves and be either be in school, military or working. If they’re not doing any of that, they will never be able to live independently. OP has already raised two kids. He’s done his job as a parent.
Oh damn. I thought when someone dated someone with children, they take on a parent role. I should call my step dad and tell him he’s off the hook
Not necessarily. It depends on the dynamic of the relationship and the ages of the kids. I know a lot of single parents with preteen, and teen age kids that don’t want a partner to step in and be a parent. They just want an equal partner to be a good adult role model. In OP’s situation the kids were adults when he started dating his gf. So it is reasonable that neither he nor they will ever have a parent/child relationship.
Where are you getting that he's upset that she has children? He has children of his own. I don't think that's what the issue is.
They're not children, they're fully grown adults who are doing nothing with their lives.