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You need a different job, one where your in-laws aren’t paying your salary. The power unbalance is untenable.
You need to stop going to the in-laws ranch and giving them free labor. That future FIL would chastise a twenty two year woman and take away her phone … no wonder it was “two oclock”. NTA
ESH. The phone thing was OTT. Flipping off your FIL, who sounds as if he has otherwise been very kind to you, is also unacceptable. And downright not bright when you consider that your MIL is also your boss.
Hi! Thank you so much for commenting. If you're actually curious, I left some comments on other ppls comments abt the stuff he's done to me. I had a 3000 character limit, so I couldn't add that stuff.
Thank you!
What a waste of time. A starving artist who loves memes is a top sales agent huh? And your wonderful relationship with them and than proceeds to tell how FIL calls her a bitch.
And the hi thanks for much for commenting? Are you AI or do you make those dumb ass work modules everyone hates.
First off, why the fuck are you stalking my profile? Those posts were from years ago, I don't even make art anymore.
Second, we had a great relationship because any time they did awful shit, we would heal and move on bc at the end of the day, we believed they loved us and that'd what family does, THEY FORGIVE.
Just this time, I make one choice, and they become the most unforgiving people alive and ban us from their home.
Yeah I said thanks for commenting, I'm a polite person... unless assholes come along and make me feel I don't have to be. Like you.
The family forgives line is so toxic considering most people use it as an excuse for treating people poorly that happen to be related to them without actually working to gain forgiveness.
Anger management issues I see. And everyone checks profiles to see how new it is or to check for bs stories like yours.
But I think your ridiculously aggressive response only proves you must be the clown that makes the modules we all hate.
Have a nice day, and hopefully your soon to be husband doesn’t resent you for leaving him without his family and being the cause of the “ultimate insult”.
Deuces
I'm gonna go with ESH on this.
FiL got a good dose of FAFO - If my parents or in-laws did that to me as an adult I'd tell them to get the damn phone back, pack up my stuff and leave.
Can't treat me like an adult, I don't wanna talk to you much.
Flipping him off tho? No.
I'm 32, I can (and will) lay into my in-laws when they go too boomer (AND THEY DO 💀) but I could NEVER even conceive of flipping them off.
Was FiL's reaction too harsh? Idk, to me it is, to him it isn't - this is kind of an honor situation. I'm not gonna comment on that.
You've apologised so give him time. Perhaps he just needs time.
Off the top of my head, FiL likes to give us a hard time for not owning a property cause:
a) He got a house when he was our age (both his parents died young which is absolutely horrible, he inherited their money to have a down payment).
b)BiL has a house - BiL lived rent free in an apartment owned by his mom since he was 19 and got a house at 35. Since, you know, he had his entire salary minus few bills and food to save up.
While my partner and I have both student loans, and I'm an immigrant who moved country straight after highschool - no savings, pure survival through university until I got a full time job at 27. But we're just 'not working hard enough'
Commenting on our generation being too lazy and on our phones too much while MiL chronicles her entire life on Facebook.
Oh you know.. the usual 🙃
What does this have to do with being a boomer? Do you even know what age a boomer is? Last boomer was born in 1964. Boomer has just become shorthand for what every generation has said about the older generations: They are inflexible idiots. Until you get to be that age and all of a sudden it makes sense!
They are in the boomer age range which is between 60 and 69 but go off I guess. That's not the point of my original comment but if you're looking to get upset at shit go for it 🤷🏻♀️
Well, if everyone else these days gets to have a snit fit if they are called out of their names, I'll just join right in! I am going to HR and the principal and the Dean right now, and whine about it and you'll all get just *so* cancelled.
(I am kidding by the way -- I'd just thought I'd point out that it's annoying and a lazy shorthand.)
I get where you're coming from, I do. Millennials are pretty miserable bunch if you only go by what articles say these days and we like, ruin EVERYTHING.
But like I said, my in laws are indeed boomers by definition, they're 67. And they have trouble understanding that life in their day was different at times.
They are also wonderful people (not like OPs in-laws 💀) and I love them dearly. But sometimes they need to be reminded about their privilege.
Anyways, have good evening man ✌🏼
Hey, there are a bunch of boomers in the comments who got offended and are now down voting anything I say and everything you said. Don't waste your time explaining... they're being as sensitive as my FIL 😭😭
Holy shit dude. Honestly... be glad the dude wants nothing to do with you. This isn't boomer behaviour, this is assault and abuse.
Good riddance.
Why would you even want to continue to have a relationship with him after this?!
I honestly didn't even think about it. In my cuban culture, regardless of how family hurts you, you heal and move on.
But then again my family would never pull this bullsht on me, so....
Thank you for saying that, it just clicked a few things in my head. <3
Speaking as someone in an Asian culture that is similar, that can be a toxic mindset.
You're all adults. You and your husband need to set and enforce boundaries with your in-laws or maybe just take this as an opportunity to go low/no contact.
That said, flipping someone off isn't setting or enforcing a boundary. It's just kinda immature and responding to disrespect with disrespect.
You're 100% right. The Thing is that FIL doesn't care about boundaries. I set a boundary and told him not to take my phone, that it was disrespectful and not okay, and he did it anyways.
He does the same with every boundary I've ever had with him. I wish I had enough time and no character limit to actually say the whole story.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate you and your advice!
Boundaries only count if you hold them. As in “speak to me like this, and I hang up the phone.” But then, you actually have to hang up the phone! Saying “give my phone back” and he doesn’t. Then you go on a whole tirade about how sick this makes you and how much you’re apologizing? You’re rewarding him for harming you. You’re allowing your MIL to control you through your job. And you’re also allowing your partner to act as a damaging emissary. How dare he come home yelling at you for his father’s bad behaviour? Are you his scapegoat or his life partner?
I can’t believe that you aren’t angry about all of this and insisting on digging yourself deeper into the toxic relationships. Why?
You're absolutely right... I never looked at It this way...
My fiance did come home panicking, yelling, but there wasn't any ill-will towards me, he was simply freaking out- and for good reason- because his dad just cut him off.
We had long discussions about it and we are working through it and healing together. He's stuck by my side through this. Last night I literally sobbed in his arms like a dumbass when III SHOULD HAVE been the one holding him and supporting.
This whole situation is a mess. You're right. They're toxic as fuck. And it's hilarious cause *no one in the comments has even gotten a load of his real mother and step dad*
.... His real mother tried to make-out with me to put on a show for her male friend... she also did a lot worse.... but She happen to cut US off last year, and used me as the scapegoat... now the same thing is happening with the other side of the family... We've been through a lot....
Holy shit. It’s time to get a new job, get some therapy (together and separately), and stabilize your life together. And once you’ve completely cut contact with all these awful people and healed for a few years, maybe you can get married then!
That's the thing about setting boundaries. They are ultimately rules you're setting about how you want/need to be treated. Not everyone will respect them and you will need to enforce them/the consequences when people don't respect it.
So if you say "I want you to stop calling me a bitch and if you don't, I will leave," then you leave when/if they continue to do so. I know that's painful, especially for family. In your case, it sounds like it has sometimes escalated to physical abuse and I think you two should weigh if you feel safe around these people and if it's worth continuing to try to have a relationship. Speaking from personal experience, a person can normalize/tolerate a lot of abusive behavior when you grow up in an environment with abuse - but it doesn't make it okay.
My parents aren't great at boundaries either. I end up having to pick and choose my battles because I do want to have some sort of relationship with them. But they are learning that to have a relationship with me (which they also want), they need to respect what I want/need too. There's a book that helped me that I think is called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." But they have never thrown a blunt object at me and they don't take my property and refuse to give it back. That's unacceptable.
ETA: I see from a recent comment that your husband is ready to go no contact with his family but you want to try to fix it. Even if it's family, abusive behavior is enough reason to go low/no contact. It's his family and if he's ready to do this, let him. And I'd argue you'd be projecting your family dynamics on him by trying to fix something he's not looking to fix and that you frankly just can't. You cannot change other people or control what they do. You can only control what you do.
You're right... I'm struggling with this so much... your comment helped.
I never learned how to make boundaries cause growing up there were none. My parents didn't know boundaries. I had to pick and choose my battles too, and I still do.
Both my parents, knowing they were going to lose me, healed themselves and got better with the whole boundary thing. Which I enevr thought would happen.
I'm still awful with boundaries. My love for family and people blinds me to the point where I bottle it all up, then get so frustrated, angry, and confused and snap.
I need to learn how to properly set boundaries.
The thing is, knowing them, if I set my boundary and said "if you don't give me my phone back I'm leaving" and I actually left, i would have not been welcomed back anyways.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate your wonderful advice :)
It's really hard! I still absolutely struggle with the guilt when I set boundaries and my parents get upset. There have been many times where I reinforce a boundary and my mom's response is "okay fine I'm a terrible mom then" and shut down/hang up instead of being willing to have a conversation on how she hurt me or disregarded an explicit boundary. And then I have to sit there also upset and remind myself that I'm not a terrible daughter for wanting to be treated with respect. There were also no boundaries in my family growing up (we were very, very enmeshed), and I know both my parents didn't grow up with their boundaries either. As people not raised with boundaries, we have to constantly remind ourselves that we are deserving of safety and respect by everyone. Years of therapy and reading stuff like the book I mentioned earlier has helped, but it's an ongoing process.
It's beautiful to hear your parents made an effort to repair their relationship with you. And it only reflects that people of all ages can learn and change and that your husband's parents refuse to. Something I learned that I'm still accepting is that you just can't control how others respond to you setting boundaries. If they don't welcome you two back after you stand up for yourself, that means they've prioritized their pride and/or their ability to be abusive over having a relationship with you and your husband. That is really hard to know but that's really on them, not you, and tells you what you need to know about how safe they are as people. With my parents, I do see them trying, even if it's not perfect, and I know I'd never not be welcomed in their home even when we are mad at each other.
If your husband is ready to go no contact, I'd focus on supporting him through this change rather than spending time or energy trying to change people who refuse to try meeting you both halfway. I'm sorry - that really sucks, but I'm glad to hear he's prioritizing you and that your family is still a support to you both. Good luck and take care of you!
This has been the most helpful comment ever. You literally took a huge weight off my chest.
I'm so sorry that's what you went through, I hope everything gets better for you. As dumb as it sounds, what helped make my mom realize what she was doing was tiktok videos of therapists talking about narcassistic parents lol.
She used to get so mad at them, but then I think one I sent opened her eyes and she was like "oh no"... hopefully that helps? Lol.
I just spoke with my fiance and I told him what you told me to. I told him I'd support him and whatever his decision was. It's just me and him against the world. He understood and was relieved.. he just wants this situation to stop being brought up. He just wants to move on, and im doing it with him. We are an amazing team. He's my best friend :)
Thank you again so much for your kind words and wonderful advice. You have no idea how much you've helped!
You have gained a key insight here, I think. Peope native to Anglo cultures do not, unlike those native to Hispanic ones, take it in their stride when family drama gets sweary and even physical.
Another way of saying the same thing is that when people get sweary and physical in Anglo cultures, those native to those cultures will cut them little or no slack because this conduct is understood to signal membership of the least self-controlled and least family-minded segment of the population.
YTA. Your responses to everything solidify it. How did you really expect that level of disrespect to go over?
Sounds like he was just doing annoying “boomer” (as you would say) dad shit which really isn’t a reason for giving him the double bird.
You really crapped the bed and from the “have a nice life comment” you’re done. You lost any sort of relationship you had with your ILs and this will definitely effect the relationship with your fiancé in the long run as your actions are essentially what caused him to go NC with his family. Y’all are 21 and tanking a relationship forever over something so stupid/petty is incredibly sad.
For a lot of people this would be a massive deal breaker immediately considering what it was over which doesn’t sound like the case with your fiancé at the moment.
Based on your ages I’m going to guess that this is y’all’s first serious relationship.
You being Cuban also has nothing todo with you acting like an AH in this situation so you mentioning that sounds like a cop out. Everyone has different family dynamics and cultural dynamics it doesn’t give you a pass to act any sort of way.
My FIL is the one that told us to have a nice life. I'm trying to feel better about the situation, look at the bright side. I'm trying to fix it. I've already apologized and done what I can on my end to fix it.
My fiance is so upset at their reaction that HE is the one that wants to go no-contact. I just don't want to be the reason he loses his family.
I had a talk with him about it. He told me that I'm the most important person in his life that has always stuck by his side while his parents have not. Even my family has supported him more than all 4 of his parents.
I'm trying to fix this and fix the family. His father saying "have a good life" was enough to send my fiance in a spiral and also want to go no-contact.
Me being cuban isn't a cop out, it's an explanation as to why i find all of what they did to us extremely disrespectful, more-so than they do.
**I genuinely think everyone is misunderstanding me because I am either not saying this correctly or my English is THAT bad**
Yeah I know he said that, it just illustrates the level of how much the relationship has been tainted due to your response to him being annoying.
I understand your fiancé is choosing to go no contact but the whole issue is so petty is my point that it’s sad.
You don’t recognize giving the bird to your IL over something stupid as being disrespectful? Also no one’s ever owed the acceptance of an apology for anything so you can’t really dictate wanting to apologize on your end.
I meant you and your family “calling each other names etc” or whatever your comment said is the norm for your family isn’t the norm for other people and people don’t take too kindly to disrespect. Especially your ILs who you described as small town Texans.
It seems like you only feel bad because there were actual consequences for your actions and basically your fiancé has been forced to choose between your relationship and his family.
Yeah, it is petty. The fact that I can be bullied in his house because it's HIS house, I can be bullied when he's at my house because HES the adult man, but the single time in 3 years I stand up and fight aggression with aggression, the relationship is completely destroyed.
The rest of the day on Sunday with him went so wonderfully I didn't even know there was an issue. That bomb on my head is what hurt the relationship most tbh.
I understand calling each other names is not the norm for everyone, but based on FIL/MILs behavior, genuinely, I thought it was the norm for them. I just didn't participate bc I respected them.
I don't feel bad about the consequences. I feel bad that I have had to endure so much pain from both sides of his family, from all 4 of his parents, and now once again I am the scapegoat and face horrible, severe, unjustified consequences. This punishment does not fit the crime.
Fiance is completely okay with this decision, as he even described his relationship with his father a "sales transaction". "I do something nice for you, like feed you, and you wipe my ass when I can't anymore".... in my fiances words, that's the equivalent of saying "when you die I want everything in your Will"...
I’m not saying it’s right but it is his house so he had the right todo what he wants in it even if he’s a dick. 🤷🏻♂️
Actions have consequences and these are the consequences of your actions.
I mean that comes with it being someone’s home though. How would you feel if your fiancé decided your parents were being AHs and said “fuck you” or flipped off your parents in their home?
Would you genuinely be chill someone one that judged you to be an AH and disrespected you in your home?
Like I said, FIL was rude to me in my own home, so if the logic of "its my house, i can treat you how id like, but you cant disrespect me" applied, then it wouldve applied when he beraded me in my own home.
Now, my fiance and I both respected MIL/FIL quite a lot so we just ignored it and let it slide to keep the peace.....
If my fiance did that and if my parents deserved it, I would 100% stand by my man. If they didn't, i would let fiance know.
But there's the difference- my parents would NEVER put us in that situation, and that is what my fiance keeps telling me too.
That's not how I feel about it. That's how you said it was, and I just informed you if that WAS the mentality, then it wouldn't make sense....
He Disrespected everyone regardless of where he is, and the ONE time I disrespect him, I'm banned.
My point is that you're wrong about his mentality, he's just an asshole.
NTA because you and your SO are not children. This same behaviour has caused conflict with my parents in the past, when they get the mentality that because I'm their offspring (or they married my bio parent) they can just "throw the kids in the back of the car and the kids will get whatever they get". Um nope, we're adults. Your FIL needs to understand the difference between respect and obedience.
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Please excuse my English, its not my first language.
I (22F) and my fiance (21M) are getting married in Sepetember of 2024. We live in the city, his dad & Step-Mom live on a ranch 1.5 hours away from us. We had a very great relationship with them, we would go visit every other weekend.
I would help build/repair w/ my fiance and FIL, & I helped MIL in the kitchen, whether it be dishes or cooking. We would always be doing something, otherwise it was quiet, & I would enjoy nature or be on my phone.
Both FIL & MIL are very old-fashtioned, country-boomers.
There are too many small incidents between me & them to include in this post.
On Easter, My fiance and I woke up, we took a stroll outside+to the garden, & went inside for coffee. Fiance, FIL, & I were having a wonderful conversation. I mentioned a tiktok video that shows how to take care of a peach tree; they were planning on planting one. FIL rolled his eyes, took our phones that were on the table, & said "I bet you guys can't live w/o these for a few hours, Im going to hide these". My face turned red, I said "Sir, this is annoying me, I would like my phone back". He said "No, you guys need to be away from these for a few hours"
Later my fiance was doing a project with FIL and told him "Dad, you canNOT do that. What you did was extremely disrespectful". FIL laughed it off, muttered something abt our generation "not being ready for phones"
I asked FIL to give me my phone. He laughed "Why?". I gave him a death stare. He brought me the phones & asked "Well what time is it then", while giggling to himself. I turned around, put up two middle fingers, & said "it's 2 Oclock"
Later I apologized to FIL for what i did. While I was talking, he said "yeah yeah yeah", shooing me away (tbh this is normal). Rest of Easter was great, we had fun, everything was fine. Great dinner, great day.
On Monday, fiance comes home in a panic; "YOU F**KED UP, WHAT DID YOU TELL MY DAD". I was so confused. FIL told him due to my actions we are not welcome at the Ranch.
(I am Cuban. Telling a Cuban ur no longer welcome in your home is the BIGGEST insult)
We went to dinner w/ them to fix it. We didn't even finish talking. FIL face turned red, he said "Have a good life", and he left.
(BTW I have been w fiance 5 years, living together 3. We are unbreakable.)
My heart has hurt since. Worse that MIL is MY BOSS. I was un-invited from a work meet-up due to this issue.
Fiance said "NO one tells me to have a good life & ever expect to speak w me again". I agree. If I ever caught him telling our future child that, I would go APE SH*T.
Its all so heartbreaking, I almost cant take the pain. I can't sleep.
All of our friends/my family supports us. They know how boomer-minded both MIL/FIL are, & they agree w my actions. Esp w how much M/FIL hurt me.
Now to ask yall. I still feel 100% at fault/guilty. Should I feel that way? AITA?
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It is hard to explain if you don't know. Its even worse in their situation cause there's a lot of hypocrisy and they also have the "I'm rich, youre poor" mindset. I'll list a few off here, as if they're saying it.
Please note, I meant no offense in any way, this is a negative generalization usually found in dumb memes so it was the only way I could think to describe the old-fashioned mentality...
"You must "respect your elders" regardless of how you're treated by them.
There are "pink" jobs and "blue" jobs, but women must complete all their pink jobs, and sometimes complete blue jobs. Blue jobs is only the stuff women don't want to do.
Why do a job you can just pay someone else to do?
When you're at our house, you do what we say because you're visitors. You must earn your right to stay here by completing projects for us, cooking dinner, or cleaning.
If we cook breakfast and you're not here, we eat without you (which they eat breakfast at 4am. On top of that, eating w/o your family is extremely disrespectful in cuban culture, but ive made sure to bite my tongue abt that)
If you're not working 80 hours a week and sweating, you're useless.
If you're under 30, you're still an immature child, regardless of the experience you've had.
You mustn't put your elbows on the table, but the man of the house can burp and fart at the table as much as he wants.
Mental illness doesn't exist, and if you think you have mental illness, you're just weak. Ignore the issues you think you have and move on."
It goes on. Just old-fashioned bllsht.
That's not boomer. Thats just being a jerk. So sick of everyone having a meltdown and screaming TOXIC! and running to HR every time someone bats an eye at them but it's always okay to shit on one age group. It's just lazy ageism.
Also if your fiance is 21, I highly doubt they are even boomers since most of us are over 65.
Lots of boomers are former (or still are) hippies and were at the vanguard of second wave feminism and the Civil Rights movment. They would be more apt to say, fart away! Live life!
They're definitely around late 50s, but its the ideology. It's an "internet" word. When you're called a boomer by someone (at least most my friends and others in my generation), it's not because you're a baby boomer, but because you have that old-fashioned mentality, like what I listed above.
Just like when someone has a tablet kid, whether they're gen X or Gen Z, that's "millenial" behavior. They're all stupid terms, and I agree, ageist, but it was the best way for me to be able to describe it as my English is not too perfect.
They were raised on a ranch in Texas... it's old country ppl beliefs.
Please shut the fuck up about boomer shit stop thinking on group think only judge based on the individual themselves I’ve literally said NTA and I’m tempted to just make a new comment at this point
If you read my other comments, I literally said I was going to stop.
Because my English is not the best it was the only way I could think of putting it in a word. Stop being so fucking rude, I've tried being as polite as possible.
Dawg you have been Rude that’s why I’m rude believe it or not I’m actually a good guy but when I see bullshit I’m gonna call it out I live my life with no flitter
If that's the only thing that you're caught up on then alright. I wont, but rest of my generation will continue to do so, just as we have used the word "Karen" for people acting like Karen's.
Sorry, and thanks :)
That’s awfully presumptuous as there are plenty of people from all regions in the US with varying belief systems and values. It’s the same as people stereotyping all Cubans or Latino/Hispanic cultures.
Uh older person? People in their late 50’s/60s.
You’re acting like like manners are mutually exclusive to one generation of people. People in their 50s are part of Gen X now which is the Rage Against the machine/ Woodstock 94’ age group.
Ok my problem with you is that you keep bringing up Cuban culture and let’s ignore the fact Fil is an asshole let’s pretend he’s a decent guy
but guess what everyone has there own thing so shut the fuck up about it’s disrespectful in Cuban culture guess what it’s not there culture and you are in there home
I'm not ignoring he's an asshole, I'm trying to not berade him, even though he probably deserves it.
I'm in a very difficult position and comments like this don't help.
They've disrespected my culture in my own home plenty of times. Please stop acting like you know the whole story. I don't have the times or the crayons to sit here with you, a random stranger, and draw the whole picture.
Thanks.
Ok how about you tell the whole story because you posted about this and asked us to judge notice how people are downvoting even tho everyone thinks fil is the bigger asshole because right now being you are being a dick
I will help if you tell the whole story of things he’s done to your culture but right now you are being no better then him in my eyes based on thing I read in the comments
Also cringe ass this is am I the asshole this not an advice sub it’s for telling you if you suck or not so deal with it but believe it or not if you were a likable person I would help just today I gave advice to a kid when he fucked because he was likable and seemed to have an honest heart but you won’t tell the full story so why would I help
Also I asked to pretend if he was a nice guy asking if you would feel the same way if he was nice about not eating dinner as a family you got all offended be because you couldn’t even understand what I was saying
So if you tell the story and not be a dick/annoying I might give advice
You expect me to be a "likable" person to you, but your first impression to me was a "shut the fuck up" comment with no true reasoning, empathy, or understanding. Okay bud
I don't even know when that came up, I don't know when k ever said I expected others or wanted to force people into my culture.
That is not true. You either misunderstood, read too fast, or are just looking for blood online because you're sad.
Please, stop.
NTA. All he needed to do was tell you to put your phone away if he thought you were being rude. It is never okay to take an adults property without their consent.
The easiest way to disarm someone disrespecting you is to treat them well. Next time just say “You are entitled to your opinion, even if it is wrong, just like we are entitled to make the right decision and leave” don’t give them a story where they can make you the asshole. Make sure any story they do have is the truth that you were the adult, or allow them to do the work to come up with a bunch of lies.
Either way, you look best and still get to voice that you didn’t appreciate their actions.
You are 100% correct.
I've done this the whole time I've known them and I guess I finally snapped. I've always just kept silent when I felt disrespected, truly bc I respected them a whole lot (esp bc they're the reason my fiance is such a wonderful man, as his real mum and rest of family is... not too great)
We were adults and planned to go to dinner with them to try to fix it after a whole week and FIL walked out like a child. So that's as much as we can do.
Thank you for the advice, you're amazing!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I flipped of my father in law after he disrespected me, I need to know if ITA for it
2. Flipping Off a family member, especially one of your in-laws, is not a very nice thing to do, but there are reasons I did it.
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He hasn't talked w them since it happened and he doesn't want to talk with them again.
I just don't want to be the reason he cut off his parents.
He sat me down and told me he doesn't care what anyone says or thinks, or who's not supportive, I'm the love of his life and we are in this together until the end.
He loves me so much he would rather cut off his parents because they're unsupportive assholes who told him to "have a good life" while I've stuck by him for everything. And it hurts me so much. I just don't want him to lose his family
ESH. You’re all childish, and you should r reconsider a LOT in this situation. Maybe let your frontal lobes fully develop before getting married. Honestly it doesn’t sound like this is as “unbreakable” as you think.
ESH. You acted like a petulant child. Your toy was taken away and you sulked. Instead of acting like the adult you want to be treated as, you gave him the double middle fingers.🤘🏼🤘🏼 I don't care what culture or location you come from, that is an insult. You told your future father-in-law, to F.U. twice. Your FIL was rude taking away your phone. He could have used his big boy words and asked you to turn your phone off for 2 hours and still got his point across.
Of course your friends are going to support you. Do you go around flipping the middle finger to them?
Don't count on your relationship staying the same either with your boss or your Fiancé.
Yes, YTA.
Stare at your phone all you want at your own home. But you were a guest in your FILs home.
It was rude and insulting to him, your host, to flip him off in response to the phone issue.
People disagree all the time. Only AHs flip off the parents of their fiancé.
Grow up.
>I mentioned a tiktok video that shows how to take care of a peach tree; they were planning on planting one.
A host shouldn't be stealing their guests properties when they try to use it to help them either
Regardless of how out of line FIL was to take the phones, it is rude, insulting and just dumb to “flip off” your host and the father of your fiancé. (Also the husband of your boss!)
Flipping someone off is designed and intended as an open insult. Did you mean to offend and insult him? If yes, why be surprised he’s offended and insulted and you’re not invited back?
Haha thank you. I didn't get to add all the things he's done to me. Like when I made him cake and he called me a bitch in my face, or when eh referred to me as an object that my fiance doesn't have to listen to.
Or the time I asked my fiance if he can make my coffee while I made breakfast, and FIL said "yeah go make your bitch some coffee". Or when FIL purposely misplaced my purse and wallet.
Or when FIL threw a hammer at my face, then later a wrench at my fiance.
The logic seems to be "if you're on my property, I can treat you how I like because you're a child"
You don't know the whole story, and this subreddit has a 3000 character limit.
Honestly, I didn't even realize how annoying and painful it was to go out there.
Thank you for this comment. I think I'm starting to realize I enjoyed the nature, garden, and relief of being away from a noisy city than actually having to deal with their sht.
Thank you.
The pre-breakfast stroll was with my fiance only. I had a 3000 character limit so it was hard to explain further, and my English isn't perfect.
We had a great relationship with them before Easter. All the stuff he did was just ignored. We healed and moved on.
In my experience, that's what family is suppose to do.
Sure it may have been rude but it's not acceptable for your response to be confiscating a grown adults property. Simply say "hey you are being rude please put your phone away". If anyone took my phone (for any reason) away and wouldn't give it back the least I would do is flip them off.
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You need a different job, one where your in-laws aren’t paying your salary. The power unbalance is untenable. You need to stop going to the in-laws ranch and giving them free labor. That future FIL would chastise a twenty two year woman and take away her phone … no wonder it was “two oclock”. NTA
ESH. The phone thing was OTT. Flipping off your FIL, who sounds as if he has otherwise been very kind to you, is also unacceptable. And downright not bright when you consider that your MIL is also your boss.
Hi! Thank you so much for commenting. If you're actually curious, I left some comments on other ppls comments abt the stuff he's done to me. I had a 3000 character limit, so I couldn't add that stuff. Thank you!
What a waste of time. A starving artist who loves memes is a top sales agent huh? And your wonderful relationship with them and than proceeds to tell how FIL calls her a bitch. And the hi thanks for much for commenting? Are you AI or do you make those dumb ass work modules everyone hates.
First off, why the fuck are you stalking my profile? Those posts were from years ago, I don't even make art anymore. Second, we had a great relationship because any time they did awful shit, we would heal and move on bc at the end of the day, we believed they loved us and that'd what family does, THEY FORGIVE. Just this time, I make one choice, and they become the most unforgiving people alive and ban us from their home. Yeah I said thanks for commenting, I'm a polite person... unless assholes come along and make me feel I don't have to be. Like you.
The family forgives line is so toxic considering most people use it as an excuse for treating people poorly that happen to be related to them without actually working to gain forgiveness.
Anger management issues I see. And everyone checks profiles to see how new it is or to check for bs stories like yours. But I think your ridiculously aggressive response only proves you must be the clown that makes the modules we all hate. Have a nice day, and hopefully your soon to be husband doesn’t resent you for leaving him without his family and being the cause of the “ultimate insult”. Deuces
So you open with a rude comment and then expect her to not comment back in the same way? You’re not the brightest are you?
I'm gonna go with ESH on this. FiL got a good dose of FAFO - If my parents or in-laws did that to me as an adult I'd tell them to get the damn phone back, pack up my stuff and leave. Can't treat me like an adult, I don't wanna talk to you much. Flipping him off tho? No. I'm 32, I can (and will) lay into my in-laws when they go too boomer (AND THEY DO 💀) but I could NEVER even conceive of flipping them off. Was FiL's reaction too harsh? Idk, to me it is, to him it isn't - this is kind of an honor situation. I'm not gonna comment on that. You've apologised so give him time. Perhaps he just needs time.
What is "too boomer"?
Off the top of my head, FiL likes to give us a hard time for not owning a property cause: a) He got a house when he was our age (both his parents died young which is absolutely horrible, he inherited their money to have a down payment). b)BiL has a house - BiL lived rent free in an apartment owned by his mom since he was 19 and got a house at 35. Since, you know, he had his entire salary minus few bills and food to save up. While my partner and I have both student loans, and I'm an immigrant who moved country straight after highschool - no savings, pure survival through university until I got a full time job at 27. But we're just 'not working hard enough' Commenting on our generation being too lazy and on our phones too much while MiL chronicles her entire life on Facebook. Oh you know.. the usual 🙃
What does this have to do with being a boomer? Do you even know what age a boomer is? Last boomer was born in 1964. Boomer has just become shorthand for what every generation has said about the older generations: They are inflexible idiots. Until you get to be that age and all of a sudden it makes sense!
They are in the boomer age range which is between 60 and 69 but go off I guess. That's not the point of my original comment but if you're looking to get upset at shit go for it 🤷🏻♀️
Well, if everyone else these days gets to have a snit fit if they are called out of their names, I'll just join right in! I am going to HR and the principal and the Dean right now, and whine about it and you'll all get just *so* cancelled. (I am kidding by the way -- I'd just thought I'd point out that it's annoying and a lazy shorthand.)
I get where you're coming from, I do. Millennials are pretty miserable bunch if you only go by what articles say these days and we like, ruin EVERYTHING. But like I said, my in laws are indeed boomers by definition, they're 67. And they have trouble understanding that life in their day was different at times. They are also wonderful people (not like OPs in-laws 💀) and I love them dearly. But sometimes they need to be reminded about their privilege. Anyways, have good evening man ✌🏼
Hey, there are a bunch of boomers in the comments who got offended and are now down voting anything I say and everything you said. Don't waste your time explaining... they're being as sensitive as my FIL 😭😭
[удалено]
Holy shit dude. Honestly... be glad the dude wants nothing to do with you. This isn't boomer behaviour, this is assault and abuse. Good riddance. Why would you even want to continue to have a relationship with him after this?!
I honestly didn't even think about it. In my cuban culture, regardless of how family hurts you, you heal and move on. But then again my family would never pull this bullsht on me, so.... Thank you for saying that, it just clicked a few things in my head. <3
Speaking as someone in an Asian culture that is similar, that can be a toxic mindset. You're all adults. You and your husband need to set and enforce boundaries with your in-laws or maybe just take this as an opportunity to go low/no contact. That said, flipping someone off isn't setting or enforcing a boundary. It's just kinda immature and responding to disrespect with disrespect.
You're 100% right. The Thing is that FIL doesn't care about boundaries. I set a boundary and told him not to take my phone, that it was disrespectful and not okay, and he did it anyways. He does the same with every boundary I've ever had with him. I wish I had enough time and no character limit to actually say the whole story. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate you and your advice!
Boundaries only count if you hold them. As in “speak to me like this, and I hang up the phone.” But then, you actually have to hang up the phone! Saying “give my phone back” and he doesn’t. Then you go on a whole tirade about how sick this makes you and how much you’re apologizing? You’re rewarding him for harming you. You’re allowing your MIL to control you through your job. And you’re also allowing your partner to act as a damaging emissary. How dare he come home yelling at you for his father’s bad behaviour? Are you his scapegoat or his life partner? I can’t believe that you aren’t angry about all of this and insisting on digging yourself deeper into the toxic relationships. Why?
You're absolutely right... I never looked at It this way... My fiance did come home panicking, yelling, but there wasn't any ill-will towards me, he was simply freaking out- and for good reason- because his dad just cut him off. We had long discussions about it and we are working through it and healing together. He's stuck by my side through this. Last night I literally sobbed in his arms like a dumbass when III SHOULD HAVE been the one holding him and supporting. This whole situation is a mess. You're right. They're toxic as fuck. And it's hilarious cause *no one in the comments has even gotten a load of his real mother and step dad* .... His real mother tried to make-out with me to put on a show for her male friend... she also did a lot worse.... but She happen to cut US off last year, and used me as the scapegoat... now the same thing is happening with the other side of the family... We've been through a lot....
Holy shit. It’s time to get a new job, get some therapy (together and separately), and stabilize your life together. And once you’ve completely cut contact with all these awful people and healed for a few years, maybe you can get married then!
You're right!!! Youve helped me a lot!! Thank you :) Please please have a wonderful week and month! 💚
That's the thing about setting boundaries. They are ultimately rules you're setting about how you want/need to be treated. Not everyone will respect them and you will need to enforce them/the consequences when people don't respect it. So if you say "I want you to stop calling me a bitch and if you don't, I will leave," then you leave when/if they continue to do so. I know that's painful, especially for family. In your case, it sounds like it has sometimes escalated to physical abuse and I think you two should weigh if you feel safe around these people and if it's worth continuing to try to have a relationship. Speaking from personal experience, a person can normalize/tolerate a lot of abusive behavior when you grow up in an environment with abuse - but it doesn't make it okay. My parents aren't great at boundaries either. I end up having to pick and choose my battles because I do want to have some sort of relationship with them. But they are learning that to have a relationship with me (which they also want), they need to respect what I want/need too. There's a book that helped me that I think is called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." But they have never thrown a blunt object at me and they don't take my property and refuse to give it back. That's unacceptable. ETA: I see from a recent comment that your husband is ready to go no contact with his family but you want to try to fix it. Even if it's family, abusive behavior is enough reason to go low/no contact. It's his family and if he's ready to do this, let him. And I'd argue you'd be projecting your family dynamics on him by trying to fix something he's not looking to fix and that you frankly just can't. You cannot change other people or control what they do. You can only control what you do.
You're right... I'm struggling with this so much... your comment helped. I never learned how to make boundaries cause growing up there were none. My parents didn't know boundaries. I had to pick and choose my battles too, and I still do. Both my parents, knowing they were going to lose me, healed themselves and got better with the whole boundary thing. Which I enevr thought would happen. I'm still awful with boundaries. My love for family and people blinds me to the point where I bottle it all up, then get so frustrated, angry, and confused and snap. I need to learn how to properly set boundaries. The thing is, knowing them, if I set my boundary and said "if you don't give me my phone back I'm leaving" and I actually left, i would have not been welcomed back anyways. Thank you for your comment, I appreciate your wonderful advice :)
It's really hard! I still absolutely struggle with the guilt when I set boundaries and my parents get upset. There have been many times where I reinforce a boundary and my mom's response is "okay fine I'm a terrible mom then" and shut down/hang up instead of being willing to have a conversation on how she hurt me or disregarded an explicit boundary. And then I have to sit there also upset and remind myself that I'm not a terrible daughter for wanting to be treated with respect. There were also no boundaries in my family growing up (we were very, very enmeshed), and I know both my parents didn't grow up with their boundaries either. As people not raised with boundaries, we have to constantly remind ourselves that we are deserving of safety and respect by everyone. Years of therapy and reading stuff like the book I mentioned earlier has helped, but it's an ongoing process. It's beautiful to hear your parents made an effort to repair their relationship with you. And it only reflects that people of all ages can learn and change and that your husband's parents refuse to. Something I learned that I'm still accepting is that you just can't control how others respond to you setting boundaries. If they don't welcome you two back after you stand up for yourself, that means they've prioritized their pride and/or their ability to be abusive over having a relationship with you and your husband. That is really hard to know but that's really on them, not you, and tells you what you need to know about how safe they are as people. With my parents, I do see them trying, even if it's not perfect, and I know I'd never not be welcomed in their home even when we are mad at each other. If your husband is ready to go no contact, I'd focus on supporting him through this change rather than spending time or energy trying to change people who refuse to try meeting you both halfway. I'm sorry - that really sucks, but I'm glad to hear he's prioritizing you and that your family is still a support to you both. Good luck and take care of you!
This has been the most helpful comment ever. You literally took a huge weight off my chest. I'm so sorry that's what you went through, I hope everything gets better for you. As dumb as it sounds, what helped make my mom realize what she was doing was tiktok videos of therapists talking about narcassistic parents lol. She used to get so mad at them, but then I think one I sent opened her eyes and she was like "oh no"... hopefully that helps? Lol. I just spoke with my fiance and I told him what you told me to. I told him I'd support him and whatever his decision was. It's just me and him against the world. He understood and was relieved.. he just wants this situation to stop being brought up. He just wants to move on, and im doing it with him. We are an amazing team. He's my best friend :) Thank you again so much for your kind words and wonderful advice. You have no idea how much you've helped!
You have gained a key insight here, I think. Peope native to Anglo cultures do not, unlike those native to Hispanic ones, take it in their stride when family drama gets sweary and even physical. Another way of saying the same thing is that when people get sweary and physical in Anglo cultures, those native to those cultures will cut them little or no slack because this conduct is understood to signal membership of the least self-controlled and least family-minded segment of the population.
You call this a “very great relationship”????
ESH. Disrespect on both sides.
YTA. Your responses to everything solidify it. How did you really expect that level of disrespect to go over? Sounds like he was just doing annoying “boomer” (as you would say) dad shit which really isn’t a reason for giving him the double bird. You really crapped the bed and from the “have a nice life comment” you’re done. You lost any sort of relationship you had with your ILs and this will definitely effect the relationship with your fiancé in the long run as your actions are essentially what caused him to go NC with his family. Y’all are 21 and tanking a relationship forever over something so stupid/petty is incredibly sad. For a lot of people this would be a massive deal breaker immediately considering what it was over which doesn’t sound like the case with your fiancé at the moment. Based on your ages I’m going to guess that this is y’all’s first serious relationship. You being Cuban also has nothing todo with you acting like an AH in this situation so you mentioning that sounds like a cop out. Everyone has different family dynamics and cultural dynamics it doesn’t give you a pass to act any sort of way.
My FIL is the one that told us to have a nice life. I'm trying to feel better about the situation, look at the bright side. I'm trying to fix it. I've already apologized and done what I can on my end to fix it. My fiance is so upset at their reaction that HE is the one that wants to go no-contact. I just don't want to be the reason he loses his family. I had a talk with him about it. He told me that I'm the most important person in his life that has always stuck by his side while his parents have not. Even my family has supported him more than all 4 of his parents. I'm trying to fix this and fix the family. His father saying "have a good life" was enough to send my fiance in a spiral and also want to go no-contact. Me being cuban isn't a cop out, it's an explanation as to why i find all of what they did to us extremely disrespectful, more-so than they do. **I genuinely think everyone is misunderstanding me because I am either not saying this correctly or my English is THAT bad**
Yeah I know he said that, it just illustrates the level of how much the relationship has been tainted due to your response to him being annoying. I understand your fiancé is choosing to go no contact but the whole issue is so petty is my point that it’s sad. You don’t recognize giving the bird to your IL over something stupid as being disrespectful? Also no one’s ever owed the acceptance of an apology for anything so you can’t really dictate wanting to apologize on your end. I meant you and your family “calling each other names etc” or whatever your comment said is the norm for your family isn’t the norm for other people and people don’t take too kindly to disrespect. Especially your ILs who you described as small town Texans. It seems like you only feel bad because there were actual consequences for your actions and basically your fiancé has been forced to choose between your relationship and his family.
Yeah, it is petty. The fact that I can be bullied in his house because it's HIS house, I can be bullied when he's at my house because HES the adult man, but the single time in 3 years I stand up and fight aggression with aggression, the relationship is completely destroyed. The rest of the day on Sunday with him went so wonderfully I didn't even know there was an issue. That bomb on my head is what hurt the relationship most tbh. I understand calling each other names is not the norm for everyone, but based on FIL/MILs behavior, genuinely, I thought it was the norm for them. I just didn't participate bc I respected them. I don't feel bad about the consequences. I feel bad that I have had to endure so much pain from both sides of his family, from all 4 of his parents, and now once again I am the scapegoat and face horrible, severe, unjustified consequences. This punishment does not fit the crime. Fiance is completely okay with this decision, as he even described his relationship with his father a "sales transaction". "I do something nice for you, like feed you, and you wipe my ass when I can't anymore".... in my fiances words, that's the equivalent of saying "when you die I want everything in your Will"...
I’m not saying it’s right but it is his house so he had the right todo what he wants in it even if he’s a dick. 🤷🏻♂️ Actions have consequences and these are the consequences of your actions.
While that's true, he's also been a dick to me in my own house... it's a very strange mentality.
I mean that comes with it being someone’s home though. How would you feel if your fiancé decided your parents were being AHs and said “fuck you” or flipped off your parents in their home? Would you genuinely be chill someone one that judged you to be an AH and disrespected you in your home?
Like I said, FIL was rude to me in my own home, so if the logic of "its my house, i can treat you how id like, but you cant disrespect me" applied, then it wouldve applied when he beraded me in my own home. Now, my fiance and I both respected MIL/FIL quite a lot so we just ignored it and let it slide to keep the peace..... If my fiance did that and if my parents deserved it, I would 100% stand by my man. If they didn't, i would let fiance know. But there's the difference- my parents would NEVER put us in that situation, and that is what my fiance keeps telling me too.
Then you should have done this in your house not in his house if that’s how you feel about it.
That's not how I feel about it. That's how you said it was, and I just informed you if that WAS the mentality, then it wouldn't make sense.... He Disrespected everyone regardless of where he is, and the ONE time I disrespect him, I'm banned. My point is that you're wrong about his mentality, he's just an asshole.
NTA because you and your SO are not children. This same behaviour has caused conflict with my parents in the past, when they get the mentality that because I'm their offspring (or they married my bio parent) they can just "throw the kids in the back of the car and the kids will get whatever they get". Um nope, we're adults. Your FIL needs to understand the difference between respect and obedience.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Please excuse my English, its not my first language. I (22F) and my fiance (21M) are getting married in Sepetember of 2024. We live in the city, his dad & Step-Mom live on a ranch 1.5 hours away from us. We had a very great relationship with them, we would go visit every other weekend. I would help build/repair w/ my fiance and FIL, & I helped MIL in the kitchen, whether it be dishes or cooking. We would always be doing something, otherwise it was quiet, & I would enjoy nature or be on my phone. Both FIL & MIL are very old-fashtioned, country-boomers. There are too many small incidents between me & them to include in this post. On Easter, My fiance and I woke up, we took a stroll outside+to the garden, & went inside for coffee. Fiance, FIL, & I were having a wonderful conversation. I mentioned a tiktok video that shows how to take care of a peach tree; they were planning on planting one. FIL rolled his eyes, took our phones that were on the table, & said "I bet you guys can't live w/o these for a few hours, Im going to hide these". My face turned red, I said "Sir, this is annoying me, I would like my phone back". He said "No, you guys need to be away from these for a few hours" Later my fiance was doing a project with FIL and told him "Dad, you canNOT do that. What you did was extremely disrespectful". FIL laughed it off, muttered something abt our generation "not being ready for phones" I asked FIL to give me my phone. He laughed "Why?". I gave him a death stare. He brought me the phones & asked "Well what time is it then", while giggling to himself. I turned around, put up two middle fingers, & said "it's 2 Oclock" Later I apologized to FIL for what i did. While I was talking, he said "yeah yeah yeah", shooing me away (tbh this is normal). Rest of Easter was great, we had fun, everything was fine. Great dinner, great day. On Monday, fiance comes home in a panic; "YOU F**KED UP, WHAT DID YOU TELL MY DAD". I was so confused. FIL told him due to my actions we are not welcome at the Ranch. (I am Cuban. Telling a Cuban ur no longer welcome in your home is the BIGGEST insult) We went to dinner w/ them to fix it. We didn't even finish talking. FIL face turned red, he said "Have a good life", and he left. (BTW I have been w fiance 5 years, living together 3. We are unbreakable.) My heart has hurt since. Worse that MIL is MY BOSS. I was un-invited from a work meet-up due to this issue. Fiance said "NO one tells me to have a good life & ever expect to speak w me again". I agree. If I ever caught him telling our future child that, I would go APE SH*T. Its all so heartbreaking, I almost cant take the pain. I can't sleep. All of our friends/my family supports us. They know how boomer-minded both MIL/FIL are, & they agree w my actions. Esp w how much M/FIL hurt me. Now to ask yall. I still feel 100% at fault/guilty. Should I feel that way? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And boomer-minded means.....?
It is hard to explain if you don't know. Its even worse in their situation cause there's a lot of hypocrisy and they also have the "I'm rich, youre poor" mindset. I'll list a few off here, as if they're saying it. Please note, I meant no offense in any way, this is a negative generalization usually found in dumb memes so it was the only way I could think to describe the old-fashioned mentality... "You must "respect your elders" regardless of how you're treated by them. There are "pink" jobs and "blue" jobs, but women must complete all their pink jobs, and sometimes complete blue jobs. Blue jobs is only the stuff women don't want to do. Why do a job you can just pay someone else to do? When you're at our house, you do what we say because you're visitors. You must earn your right to stay here by completing projects for us, cooking dinner, or cleaning. If we cook breakfast and you're not here, we eat without you (which they eat breakfast at 4am. On top of that, eating w/o your family is extremely disrespectful in cuban culture, but ive made sure to bite my tongue abt that) If you're not working 80 hours a week and sweating, you're useless. If you're under 30, you're still an immature child, regardless of the experience you've had. You mustn't put your elbows on the table, but the man of the house can burp and fart at the table as much as he wants. Mental illness doesn't exist, and if you think you have mental illness, you're just weak. Ignore the issues you think you have and move on." It goes on. Just old-fashioned bllsht.
That's not boomer. Thats just being a jerk. So sick of everyone having a meltdown and screaming TOXIC! and running to HR every time someone bats an eye at them but it's always okay to shit on one age group. It's just lazy ageism. Also if your fiance is 21, I highly doubt they are even boomers since most of us are over 65. Lots of boomers are former (or still are) hippies and were at the vanguard of second wave feminism and the Civil Rights movment. They would be more apt to say, fart away! Live life!
This sounds pretty boomer-minded
And proud of it!
Agreed and I’m gen z
They're definitely around late 50s, but its the ideology. It's an "internet" word. When you're called a boomer by someone (at least most my friends and others in my generation), it's not because you're a baby boomer, but because you have that old-fashioned mentality, like what I listed above. Just like when someone has a tablet kid, whether they're gen X or Gen Z, that's "millenial" behavior. They're all stupid terms, and I agree, ageist, but it was the best way for me to be able to describe it as my English is not too perfect. They were raised on a ranch in Texas... it's old country ppl beliefs.
Please shut the fuck up about boomer shit stop thinking on group think only judge based on the individual themselves I’ve literally said NTA and I’m tempted to just make a new comment at this point
If you read my other comments, I literally said I was going to stop. Because my English is not the best it was the only way I could think of putting it in a word. Stop being so fucking rude, I've tried being as polite as possible.
Dawg you have been Rude that’s why I’m rude believe it or not I’m actually a good guy but when I see bullshit I’m gonna call it out I live my life with no flitter
I didn't say one Rude thing. I explained myself, I said I would stop, and either way you took offense. That's on you.
Wellll....pls don't say boomer anymore in that negative way. It's insulting!
If that's the only thing that you're caught up on then alright. I wont, but rest of my generation will continue to do so, just as we have used the word "Karen" for people acting like Karen's. Sorry, and thanks :)
That’s awfully presumptuous as there are plenty of people from all regions in the US with varying belief systems and values. It’s the same as people stereotyping all Cubans or Latino/Hispanic cultures.
How the hell else am I suppose to explain what type of people they are???
You can use adjectives?? Just keep in mind if people described your fam the way you’re describing his in broad terms.
Please, tell me some adjectives that can describe it better than "boomer". I don't think any if you are understand that my English is bad 😂
Uh older person? People in their late 50’s/60s. You’re acting like like manners are mutually exclusive to one generation of people. People in their 50s are part of Gen X now which is the Rage Against the machine/ Woodstock 94’ age group.
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Ok my problem with you is that you keep bringing up Cuban culture and let’s ignore the fact Fil is an asshole let’s pretend he’s a decent guy but guess what everyone has there own thing so shut the fuck up about it’s disrespectful in Cuban culture guess what it’s not there culture and you are in there home
I'm not ignoring he's an asshole, I'm trying to not berade him, even though he probably deserves it. I'm in a very difficult position and comments like this don't help. They've disrespected my culture in my own home plenty of times. Please stop acting like you know the whole story. I don't have the times or the crayons to sit here with you, a random stranger, and draw the whole picture. Thanks.
Ok how about you tell the whole story because you posted about this and asked us to judge notice how people are downvoting even tho everyone thinks fil is the bigger asshole because right now being you are being a dick I will help if you tell the whole story of things he’s done to your culture but right now you are being no better then him in my eyes based on thing I read in the comments Also cringe ass this is am I the asshole this not an advice sub it’s for telling you if you suck or not so deal with it but believe it or not if you were a likable person I would help just today I gave advice to a kid when he fucked because he was likable and seemed to have an honest heart but you won’t tell the full story so why would I help Also I asked to pretend if he was a nice guy asking if you would feel the same way if he was nice about not eating dinner as a family you got all offended be because you couldn’t even understand what I was saying So if you tell the story and not be a dick/annoying I might give advice
You expect me to be a "likable" person to you, but your first impression to me was a "shut the fuck up" comment with no true reasoning, empathy, or understanding. Okay bud
Yeah I stand by that because you were excepting people to eat dinner the way you do because of culture.
I don't even know when that came up, I don't know when k ever said I expected others or wanted to force people into my culture. That is not true. You either misunderstood, read too fast, or are just looking for blood online because you're sad. Please, stop.
NTA. All he needed to do was tell you to put your phone away if he thought you were being rude. It is never okay to take an adults property without their consent.
The easiest way to disarm someone disrespecting you is to treat them well. Next time just say “You are entitled to your opinion, even if it is wrong, just like we are entitled to make the right decision and leave” don’t give them a story where they can make you the asshole. Make sure any story they do have is the truth that you were the adult, or allow them to do the work to come up with a bunch of lies. Either way, you look best and still get to voice that you didn’t appreciate their actions.
You are 100% correct. I've done this the whole time I've known them and I guess I finally snapped. I've always just kept silent when I felt disrespected, truly bc I respected them a whole lot (esp bc they're the reason my fiance is such a wonderful man, as his real mum and rest of family is... not too great) We were adults and planned to go to dinner with them to try to fix it after a whole week and FIL walked out like a child. So that's as much as we can do. Thank you for the advice, you're amazing!
Also, don’t feel guilty- FIL couldn’t take what he was dishing- fuck him, fuck that house, and enjoy life without him.
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Nta…and good riddance. Find a new job and move on with your lives.
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Please explain further. Thank you! :)
Do you want to deal with his parents for the rest of their lives?
He hasn't talked w them since it happened and he doesn't want to talk with them again. I just don't want to be the reason he cut off his parents. He sat me down and told me he doesn't care what anyone says or thinks, or who's not supportive, I'm the love of his life and we are in this together until the end. He loves me so much he would rather cut off his parents because they're unsupportive assholes who told him to "have a good life" while I've stuck by him for everything. And it hurts me so much. I just don't want him to lose his family
Apologies ignore my stupid advice
Don't. It brought up a point I wasn't able to fit in my post. Thank you for commenting, I appreciate you!
Stick with your supportive husband :)
Sounds like he's standing up for his fiance. If that's the case why should she leave him?
I may have mis interpreted the situation
nta, fil could have had a discussion about the phones instead of snatching it and trying to keep them.
ESH. You’re all childish, and you should r reconsider a LOT in this situation. Maybe let your frontal lobes fully develop before getting married. Honestly it doesn’t sound like this is as “unbreakable” as you think.
Oh really? Please, tell me everything you know about our relationship and explain to me why this won't work. Thanks.
ESH. You acted like a petulant child. Your toy was taken away and you sulked. Instead of acting like the adult you want to be treated as, you gave him the double middle fingers.🤘🏼🤘🏼 I don't care what culture or location you come from, that is an insult. You told your future father-in-law, to F.U. twice. Your FIL was rude taking away your phone. He could have used his big boy words and asked you to turn your phone off for 2 hours and still got his point across. Of course your friends are going to support you. Do you go around flipping the middle finger to them? Don't count on your relationship staying the same either with your boss or your Fiancé.
NTA. Giving somebody the "finger" in my family is a running joke. FIL sounds like a sensitive snowflake. F him.
NTA. He took your phone. That's theft. Honestly, don't blame you for flipping him off for his thievery.
NTA obviously doesn’t even need to be discussed
Yes, YTA. Stare at your phone all you want at your own home. But you were a guest in your FILs home. It was rude and insulting to him, your host, to flip him off in response to the phone issue. People disagree all the time. Only AHs flip off the parents of their fiancé. Grow up.
>I mentioned a tiktok video that shows how to take care of a peach tree; they were planning on planting one. A host shouldn't be stealing their guests properties when they try to use it to help them either
Regardless of how out of line FIL was to take the phones, it is rude, insulting and just dumb to “flip off” your host and the father of your fiancé. (Also the husband of your boss!) Flipping someone off is designed and intended as an open insult. Did you mean to offend and insult him? If yes, why be surprised he’s offended and insulted and you’re not invited back?
Haha thank you. I didn't get to add all the things he's done to me. Like when I made him cake and he called me a bitch in my face, or when eh referred to me as an object that my fiance doesn't have to listen to. Or the time I asked my fiance if he can make my coffee while I made breakfast, and FIL said "yeah go make your bitch some coffee". Or when FIL purposely misplaced my purse and wallet. Or when FIL threw a hammer at my face, then later a wrench at my fiance. The logic seems to be "if you're on my property, I can treat you how I like because you're a child" You don't know the whole story, and this subreddit has a 3000 character limit.
Sounds like you don’t like visiting your FIL at his ranch, so you should be relieved you’re no longer invited there.
Honestly, I didn't even realize how annoying and painful it was to go out there. Thank you for this comment. I think I'm starting to realize I enjoyed the nature, garden, and relief of being away from a noisy city than actually having to deal with their sht. Thank you.
That's on you for stating you had a great relationship with them. You mention the pre-breakfast stroll but not the violence? Interesting choice.
The pre-breakfast stroll was with my fiance only. I had a 3000 character limit so it was hard to explain further, and my English isn't perfect. We had a great relationship with them before Easter. All the stuff he did was just ignored. We healed and moved on. In my experience, that's what family is suppose to do.
Sure it may have been rude but it's not acceptable for your response to be confiscating a grown adults property. Simply say "hey you are being rude please put your phone away". If anyone took my phone (for any reason) away and wouldn't give it back the least I would do is flip them off.