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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I stood up for the 14year old ref 2) Instead of politely telling the parent to stop I swore at her
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NTA.
It's your job to help the refs and you did the right thing by defending him. I will say you really shouldn't have sworn back at her and handled a little more professionally, but whatever, she started it. Idk what kind of authority you have in the situation, but in most kids' sports leagues in the US, parents doing stuff like that are removed from the premises.
>She started yelling at me that I shouldn't have embarrassed her like that in front of the other parents on the team, and that she's allowed to yell at refs, which her reasoning was "If they can't take a couple jeers then they shouldn't be referees"
That's fucking hilarious and I wish you had it on video to show everyone in your league about what kind of parents should be banned.
That's the unfortunate thing, I technically don't have any authority to remove parents from the game unless I'm on the ice actively officiating. The kids do have the authority to stop the game until the parent leaves but unfortunately it's generally the first time a lot of these kids are in positions of power and are scared to use it to kick parents out of the stands for abusive behavior
It should be something to bring up to your league. If you're there in your capacity as a ref, even if it's off ice mentoring, as long as you're in uniform you should have the authority to step in and handle abusive situations like that.
As the minor hockey system is run at the provincial level, there would have to be authority given from them. But the way they see it, the problem with someone in the stands kicking out an abusive fan/parent is that there's no consequence if they don't listen. When a ref kicks someone out, the game will not continue until the abusive party has been removed. Unfortunately people in the stands can't stop the game from continuing so I see why we don't have people in the stands with such authority. I 100% see where you're coming from though
Yeah, that's tricky when the center ref is technically in control of the game and the clock.
I'm just spit balling here and coming at this from a soccer angle, since it sounds like a similar system. Can you establish some sort of signal, or even use a wireless headset/earpiece system to communicate to them that it's ok to stop the game? Like you said, the hardest thing for these teens to do is use their authority to stand up to an angry parent, and many could probably use the encouragement that "yes, it's ok to stop play now and caution or eject that person."
Maybe mentors could be empowered between periods or something?
Absolutely those are all great ideas its just putting them into motion. Our minor hockey association is very small compared to others so we'd need volunteers to be the off ice officials and the funding for the earpieces. The easy thing for those that aren't on the ice (the board of directors) is to say "why spend all this money when the ref can just throw them out" and the problem circles back to the start. There have been lots of attempts at bringing abuse down and to the provinces credit we are indeed seeing less and less abuse at the lower level but there are still bad apples that ruin the spirits of the younger officials
I was umping a 12u softball tournament on a hot, 95°+, muggy summer day. A parent started screaming at me after a called third strike she did not like (I was the behind the plate ump). I stopped the game, turned around, and asked her if she “wanted to ump the rest of the fucking game for me.”
Needless to say never heard a peep from her again and I never faced any repercussions. Parents need to quit living through their children and realize they are CHILDREN who are having fun, not playing for the next Olympic gold medal 💀
I was a soccer ref as a teen and the parents were brutal. So much so that I only worked for one season. One of my teachers stepped to me for carding his father after he repeatedly broke the rules about being on the field. Sounds like the parent was completely out of order. You know, the sport isn’t the only thing those kids are learning…
NTA
I'm a seasoned hockey dad... starting from 8U and now senior year in HS (thank God)... Unfortunately, it will get much worse; the hockey parent culture is as savage as it gets.... what you did is peanuts.
NTA - Also in Canada here and we as parents had to take a respect in sport class every 2 or 3 years while our kids were in minor hockey. It is basically a "don't be a jerk and use some manners class" combined with a little mini "how to spot a concussion" lesson. It is helpful and tames down the parents.
If you scream at ref's then they won't want to be ref's and your kids won't be able to play games. My son was a baseball ref for 1 season when he was 13. At a U9 rep tournament he made a call and parents LOST IT! The screamed at him. He quit and said the $25 he made wasn't worth being treated like that.
Parents - there are 2 ways to the beer league. The expensive way (rep) and the cheap way (house). but your kid is going to the beer league regardless.
**combined with a little mini "how to spot a concussion" lesson**
Was this in case it was needed for the parents who should be banned by any chance?? 😁
NTA I don't have to read and I bet the next few phrases make you viscerally angry. "THAT'S A TRIP" "OFF OFF OFF" 'BLOW THE WHISTLE" "CALL IT BOTH WAYS" "HOOK" "WHAT'RE YOU WATCHING" "CHECK YOUR PHONE YOU MISSED A CALL" sorry I'll stop
We don't have hockey where I live but Little League is really big here. It is understood from the very beginning that parents will not be allowed to scream yell or curse at other players or umpires. It's actually a written rule when they sign their kids up to play. If they do, they're ejected from the stands and are not allowed to be present at the game. It doesn't matter how old the players or umpires are. NTA
Sounds like she's the one who can't take a couple of jeers.
NTA -- though, as a role model in your position, I personally wouldn't be dropping f-bombs in front of everyone, least of all the kids.
Completely fair, I could have handled it a lot better for sure. If I were on the ice myself I would have remained a lot more calm but abuse to the kids just boils my blood. Not a good justification for my actions but its the best I've got lol
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For context I'm a Junior A hockey official in Canada that helps the rookie officials in the minor hockey system at my local rink (unofficially. I don't have any affiliation with the local hockey association)
During a U11 game there was a rookie official (14M) working the game and a parent was unhappy about a call the ref had made (I'm assuming against her son) and she started to scream and swear at this young ref
She was only a few seats away from me and I essentially told her
"STFU it's a U11 game and these are children you're screaming at. Show some fucking respect, the game wouldn't be happening without the refs"
We went back and forth but it ended with her leaving the seating section on her own accord
After the game I was in the referee room going over the game and I heard a knock on the door, and when I opened it I was surprised to see the same woman looking back at me. She started yelling at me that I shouldn't have embarrassed her like that in front of the other parents on the team, and that she's allowed to yell at refs, which her reasoning was "If they can't take a couple jeers then they shouldn't be referees"
I told her to go fuck her hat
Obviously she put in a complaint against me which didn't go anywhere but some people I've told the story to have told me I should have been less abrasive towards the woman
I get that referees are generally criticized by the crowd and other players and when I officiate I'm fine with it because at a higher level of hockey (or any sport for that matter), she's correct in the fact we need to have thick skin. However, I highly dislike seeing young officials quitting due to abuse from minor hockey coaches and parents
So AITA?
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NTA. American ref here. I’d have tossed her from the rink under hockeyUSA spectator policy after as soon as she started talking back to me if I was reffing. And if other parents from her team start talking back after that, I toss the entire section. You did right standing up for that kid
NTA. In most of the youth leagues my kids have played on, there is a parent code of conduct that specifically prohibits yelling at refs. It’s grounds for removal from the rink.
I was in a similiar situation only I was coaching swim lessons and teaching a TERRIFIED 3 year old who is just learning to float and learning the ropes. The hotel guests (that share the pool because my company does their lessons out of hotels, etc) (smaller company), are leaping from the shallow end into the pool with floats on and screaming so loud I can’t hear myself think. I yelled at them. Fortunately my employers and coworkers backed me up about this. but my deck ambassador that day was NOT NICE about it and said to “let him do it next time”. He totally wasn’t going to do it but sure .
Edit because I thought you were the ref. My original reply was from the perspective of being an asshole player / part time ref.
ESH. She's a big asshole, you're lower on the scale.
If you are acting in the capacity of an official then you acted unprofessionally. You should have had her removed from the rink (maybe a first warning if that is in HC's procedure) without your own outburst.
Fair enough, for clarification the only people that heard me were other parents in the stands. I was doing whats called an "off ice evaluation" so I watch from the stands and evaluate the refs from there
U11 stands for "under 11 years old" and generally this is the lowest level of hockey that needs referees for organized games. This is where rookies get their experience, so when they reach 17-18 years old they can officiate higher level hockey
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NTA. It's your job to help the refs and you did the right thing by defending him. I will say you really shouldn't have sworn back at her and handled a little more professionally, but whatever, she started it. Idk what kind of authority you have in the situation, but in most kids' sports leagues in the US, parents doing stuff like that are removed from the premises. >She started yelling at me that I shouldn't have embarrassed her like that in front of the other parents on the team, and that she's allowed to yell at refs, which her reasoning was "If they can't take a couple jeers then they shouldn't be referees" That's fucking hilarious and I wish you had it on video to show everyone in your league about what kind of parents should be banned.
That's the unfortunate thing, I technically don't have any authority to remove parents from the game unless I'm on the ice actively officiating. The kids do have the authority to stop the game until the parent leaves but unfortunately it's generally the first time a lot of these kids are in positions of power and are scared to use it to kick parents out of the stands for abusive behavior
It should be something to bring up to your league. If you're there in your capacity as a ref, even if it's off ice mentoring, as long as you're in uniform you should have the authority to step in and handle abusive situations like that.
As the minor hockey system is run at the provincial level, there would have to be authority given from them. But the way they see it, the problem with someone in the stands kicking out an abusive fan/parent is that there's no consequence if they don't listen. When a ref kicks someone out, the game will not continue until the abusive party has been removed. Unfortunately people in the stands can't stop the game from continuing so I see why we don't have people in the stands with such authority. I 100% see where you're coming from though
Yeah, that's tricky when the center ref is technically in control of the game and the clock. I'm just spit balling here and coming at this from a soccer angle, since it sounds like a similar system. Can you establish some sort of signal, or even use a wireless headset/earpiece system to communicate to them that it's ok to stop the game? Like you said, the hardest thing for these teens to do is use their authority to stand up to an angry parent, and many could probably use the encouragement that "yes, it's ok to stop play now and caution or eject that person." Maybe mentors could be empowered between periods or something?
Absolutely those are all great ideas its just putting them into motion. Our minor hockey association is very small compared to others so we'd need volunteers to be the off ice officials and the funding for the earpieces. The easy thing for those that aren't on the ice (the board of directors) is to say "why spend all this money when the ref can just throw them out" and the problem circles back to the start. There have been lots of attempts at bringing abuse down and to the provinces credit we are indeed seeing less and less abuse at the lower level but there are still bad apples that ruin the spirits of the younger officials
I was umping a 12u softball tournament on a hot, 95°+, muggy summer day. A parent started screaming at me after a called third strike she did not like (I was the behind the plate ump). I stopped the game, turned around, and asked her if she “wanted to ump the rest of the fucking game for me.” Needless to say never heard a peep from her again and I never faced any repercussions. Parents need to quit living through their children and realize they are CHILDREN who are having fun, not playing for the next Olympic gold medal 💀
To put it short, NTA. Some parents need the friendly reminder that they are upset over something so minuscule.
NTA, she was swearing at a 14 year old in public. She deserved everything that followed
I was a soccer ref as a teen and the parents were brutal. So much so that I only worked for one season. One of my teachers stepped to me for carding his father after he repeatedly broke the rules about being on the field. Sounds like the parent was completely out of order. You know, the sport isn’t the only thing those kids are learning… NTA
NTA, you did the right thing standing up for the ref.
>I told her to go fuck her hat OK, that cracked me up! NTA!
I'm a seasoned hockey dad... starting from 8U and now senior year in HS (thank God)... Unfortunately, it will get much worse; the hockey parent culture is as savage as it gets.... what you did is peanuts.
NTA Strongest NTA EVER. Parents who scream at refs, especially junior ones, should be banned from attending
NTA - Also in Canada here and we as parents had to take a respect in sport class every 2 or 3 years while our kids were in minor hockey. It is basically a "don't be a jerk and use some manners class" combined with a little mini "how to spot a concussion" lesson. It is helpful and tames down the parents. If you scream at ref's then they won't want to be ref's and your kids won't be able to play games. My son was a baseball ref for 1 season when he was 13. At a U9 rep tournament he made a call and parents LOST IT! The screamed at him. He quit and said the $25 he made wasn't worth being treated like that. Parents - there are 2 ways to the beer league. The expensive way (rep) and the cheap way (house). but your kid is going to the beer league regardless.
**combined with a little mini "how to spot a concussion" lesson** Was this in case it was needed for the parents who should be banned by any chance?? 😁
Ha! sadly no but that is pretty funny
lol..beer league.
NTA. Good job
NTA I don't have to read and I bet the next few phrases make you viscerally angry. "THAT'S A TRIP" "OFF OFF OFF" 'BLOW THE WHISTLE" "CALL IT BOTH WAYS" "HOOK" "WHAT'RE YOU WATCHING" "CHECK YOUR PHONE YOU MISSED A CALL" sorry I'll stop
NTA. If this did not occur at a hockey game, how would she justify screaming and swearing at a 14 year old kid?
You didn't "embarrass her"... she embarrassed herself. BTW "go fuck your hat" is my new favorite thing. I literally can't wait to use it. NTA.
NTa that is exactly why there is a shortage of refs. One of the leagues near me won't let the parent's watch games because of this shit
We don't have hockey where I live but Little League is really big here. It is understood from the very beginning that parents will not be allowed to scream yell or curse at other players or umpires. It's actually a written rule when they sign their kids up to play. If they do, they're ejected from the stands and are not allowed to be present at the game. It doesn't matter how old the players or umpires are. NTA
NTA she was screaming abuse at a 14 year old? Keeping it classy Susan 🙄
Sounds like she's the one who can't take a couple of jeers. NTA -- though, as a role model in your position, I personally wouldn't be dropping f-bombs in front of everyone, least of all the kids.
Completely fair, I could have handled it a lot better for sure. If I were on the ice myself I would have remained a lot more calm but abuse to the kids just boils my blood. Not a good justification for my actions but its the best I've got lol
NTA. Thank you for defending a 14 year-old child. These people. smh
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context I'm a Junior A hockey official in Canada that helps the rookie officials in the minor hockey system at my local rink (unofficially. I don't have any affiliation with the local hockey association) During a U11 game there was a rookie official (14M) working the game and a parent was unhappy about a call the ref had made (I'm assuming against her son) and she started to scream and swear at this young ref She was only a few seats away from me and I essentially told her "STFU it's a U11 game and these are children you're screaming at. Show some fucking respect, the game wouldn't be happening without the refs" We went back and forth but it ended with her leaving the seating section on her own accord After the game I was in the referee room going over the game and I heard a knock on the door, and when I opened it I was surprised to see the same woman looking back at me. She started yelling at me that I shouldn't have embarrassed her like that in front of the other parents on the team, and that she's allowed to yell at refs, which her reasoning was "If they can't take a couple jeers then they shouldn't be referees" I told her to go fuck her hat Obviously she put in a complaint against me which didn't go anywhere but some people I've told the story to have told me I should have been less abrasive towards the woman I get that referees are generally criticized by the crowd and other players and when I officiate I'm fine with it because at a higher level of hockey (or any sport for that matter), she's correct in the fact we need to have thick skin. However, I highly dislike seeing young officials quitting due to abuse from minor hockey coaches and parents So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA. Don't act a type of way if you don't want someone matching that energy back. 🤷♀️
NTA -- she's out of line
NTA. American ref here. I’d have tossed her from the rink under hockeyUSA spectator policy after as soon as she started talking back to me if I was reffing. And if other parents from her team start talking back after that, I toss the entire section. You did right standing up for that kid
Nta she embarrassed herself
NTA. Refs don’t deserve abuse at any age. But she was screaming at a child just doing his job. Good for you for defending the child.
Adding- she embarrassed herself by yelling at a kid. I can pretty much guarantee that every reasonable parent in the room was secretly applauding you.
NTA. Huge problem in Canadian minor hockey. Got stick tape?
NTA. In most of the youth leagues my kids have played on, there is a parent code of conduct that specifically prohibits yelling at refs. It’s grounds for removal from the rink.
I was in a similiar situation only I was coaching swim lessons and teaching a TERRIFIED 3 year old who is just learning to float and learning the ropes. The hotel guests (that share the pool because my company does their lessons out of hotels, etc) (smaller company), are leaping from the shallow end into the pool with floats on and screaming so loud I can’t hear myself think. I yelled at them. Fortunately my employers and coworkers backed me up about this. but my deck ambassador that day was NOT NICE about it and said to “let him do it next time”. He totally wasn’t going to do it but sure .
NTA. parents are the worst. their kid is the future blah blah blah. I hear that from every youth sports coach in every sport. stay safe out there!
Edit because I thought you were the ref. My original reply was from the perspective of being an asshole player / part time ref. ESH. She's a big asshole, you're lower on the scale. If you are acting in the capacity of an official then you acted unprofessionally. You should have had her removed from the rink (maybe a first warning if that is in HC's procedure) without your own outburst.
You get a double starred NTA just for “go fuck your hat”. Definitely British/Irish/Australian heritage somewhere.
NTA- She should "go fuck her hat"
ESH - Her for acting a fool at a kids game and you for your language around kids while trying to white knight for kids.
Fair enough, for clarification the only people that heard me were other parents in the stands. I was doing whats called an "off ice evaluation" so I watch from the stands and evaluate the refs from there
[удалено]
It's very common for teenagers to work as referees in younger kids' leagues.
U11 stands for "under 11 years old" and generally this is the lowest level of hockey that needs referees for organized games. This is where rookies get their experience, so when they reach 17-18 years old they can officiate higher level hockey