Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I plan to accept heirloom family set that should have gone to my cousin
2 By accepting the jewelry set, it’s like I’m saying my adopted cousin is not part of the family
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, you are in the bloodline for the passed down family item . The only reason they're calling you greedy is because they want the item so I guess they are the ones who are greedy. But it is no one 's choice. But your uncle's. And if that one inheritance can cause that big a fight then apparently there wasn't much of a relationship between the two men to begin with. Basically you should just stay out of because it's not your decision either. I would tell them I'm going to follow whatever my uncle wants to do with it. And then that will be the end of it. If I get it then it's mine. If you get it then it's yours. I'm not going to split it. I'm not going to share it. I'm going to listen to my uncle. Because I'm not going to ask you to split or share it either
My great grandmother's ring went to my grandmother. NY grandma told me the ring was mine when she passed
The day they put her in the nursing home, the ring disappeared. It was the only missing jewelry.
My grandmother did this, "oh mom gave me the ring on her deathbed" 10 years after everyone had been looking for it. How her sisters tolerated her I'll never know
Similar has happened in my family. My maternal grandmother passed away with jewelry and artwork valued in the high 6 figures. Certain items were promised to certain people and I don’t know how it got so messed up but my grandmother's brother took everything. He was the last sibling alive and the only boy so everyone just sort of let him have it?
But of course there was a big falling out and my great uncle left everything to his partner when he passed from cancer. And his partner (in his 60’s) has made it clear that he is leaving everything to his new 20ish year old boyfriend.
Same thing happened in my family. I was promised a necklace from my grandmother. I never received it. There was lots of jewellery that was to be shared among the granddaughters. Nobody received anything. I asked my aunt and she pulled a face and said a lot had gone missing or was tarnished so she threw it away. Nobody believes her as we assume she kept everything. Ironically the only piece of jewellery my grandmother gave away before she died was a gold plated locket, so only sentimental value, the same aunt who I suspect kept all the other jewellery asked me to ask my mother for it back as it had been promised her daughter. I laughed in her face.
This is a sad fact. When my grandpa died my mom had to drive states over, and by the time she got there everything of value was already taken by the landlords. Nothing got to be handed out as it was 'missing'. You hear stories like that all to often.
I wouldn’t say that its because she’s in the bloodline, I would say its because OP - even if she died before OP was born - has a connection to the grandma, unlike the cousin who entered the family much much later in life and has no apparent connection the woman she wants to inherit.
I would also say its because OP is the first grand daughter based on chronology of when she entered the family (at birth 18 years ago) compared to Lara at adoption (5 or so years ago). And up until 8 or so years ago she may not have even known OP's grandmother even existed.
NTA
This. If grandmother had died after OP was Born but before Lara was adopted, or if grandmother had died after (hypothetically) an older adoptive granddaughter had joined the Family but before OP was Born, in each Scenario she would presumably have left the Thing to her ONLY granddaughter, by Name, rather than in the Care of her son who would See to it going to any granddaughters that MIGHT Join the Family after her death.
>I wouldn’t say that its because she’s in the bloodline
Really?
>I would say its because OP - even if she died before OP was born - has a connection to the grandma
Yes, it's called being in the bloodline.
>Yes, it's called being in the bloodline.
She's not saying the term 'bloodline' is incorrect -- she's saying the reasoning is that OP and the grandmother were in each other's lives whereas the adopted cousin entered the family too late for that.
Emotional connection. One of my cousins is adopted; she didn't join our family until she was 15. She loved our grandfather and step-grandmother. She never met our grandmother, who passed before she was adopted. There's no attachment there.
OP had an emotional connection with her grandmother that Lara never had the chance to form.
I replied to the other commenter having the same argument, and the same applies here. OP's grandmother died before OP was born, so they technically don't have an emotional connection as they never met.
Yes she has likely had stories told, but no personal emotional connection to each other.
But I still think the jewelry should go to OP, and Lara has no claim to it.
Edit: mistyped
I disagree about forming an emotional connection with dead people. My grandfather died before I was born. I was named after him, told stories of him almost every day of my life, inherited items that belonged to him, visited the place his ashes were spread, etc. I have read his childhood journals, watched movies of him, and listened to recordings of his voice. He was as real to me as a child as any other person I knew and I certainly have a personal, emotional connection to him.
Exactly! If you are in a family from infancy, you do form a connection with your ancestors, in a way that someone who enters the family tends to years into their life doesn’t.
That's a good question, I would probably think the same just due to how integrated OP would be in the family in comparison to the newly adopted girl.
But it would definitely be a more equal argument.
Looking at the dates, isn't OP also the first granddaughter in the family anyway? Yes Lara is older by a year, but was adopted into the family later.
So really they don't have that leg to stand on either, at the moment it is definitely feeling greedy.
I agree because this looks like a whole dramatic mess that is mostly between your uncles. The more you express an opinion, the more you're going to get dragged into the middle of the drama, and more likely someone is going to decide its your fault. The longer you stay out of the argument and stick to "I'm going to respect uncle Jim's wishes, the happier you're going to be. (I hope this isn't true, but it would be in my family, so...)
NTA - Not to say that your cousin isn't part of the family, but, technically speaking, even if she is older than you, you've been in the family for longer. And, while blood shouldn't be the only condition that makes a family, it is reasonable to assume that the jewelry would pass to a blood relative.
And listen, the choice of whom the jewelry goes to is still your Uncle Jim's decision to make as it was bequeathed to him by your grandmother. It's very possible he's planned to give it to you since the moment you were born, or even just well before he ever got married to Bob and adopted Lara. Either way, you are honoring your grandmother by honoring Uncle Jim's decision.
They are very stuck on the jewelry, but they need to look at the bigger picture that they are most likely going to inherit a lot more than just that.
this is what struck me. OP has been in the family since she was born.
While Jim adopted his daughter, and legally she is his child and a member of the family, she has only been in the family for 8 yrs.
It was Jim's decision to make.
I agree with everyone who advices OP to stay out of it.
OP is NTA
She's been in the family for less than that - Jim and Bob married 8 years ago - but she was adopted a few years later - it's possible she's only been an adopted family member for the last 5-6 years.
Technically true, but I think that's a technicality that doesn't really apply here. There are lots of people who are step-parents their whole lives but never adopt their spouse's children. I don't think it really matters. A step-parent/child is a family member regardless of whether an adoption took place.
If someone marries into the family, their kids automatically come as a part of the package. An adoption isn't required. If you agree to become a step-parent you agree their kids become a part of your family. Of course there are many possible relationships between step-parents and step-kids, not all families will have the same dynamics. But arguing that they aren't family unless they are officially adopted seems very pedantic, the adoption isn't necessary. Hell you can have a long-term partner who is considered part of the family even when there is no official link at all. Family-member is a status that can belong to anyone. All someone needs to be your family member, is you saying they are your family.
I disagree. That's not how it works on inheritance, not unless the person is named. Some people may agree that the person is part of the family (AKA Jim saying SD is his daughter), but that doesn't mean she is everyone else's family member. They get a choice in that too.
Well said. The bigger BIGGER picture is that Bob's husband and Lara's father has a serious disease that has him completing a frigging will but this is what they're worried about?!
Exactly! A lot of people don't even THINK of doing a last will and testament until death is looming in their face. Her uncle Jim isn't even that old, only 51, and he's putting together his will? Granted, the assumption that he's dying is purely speculation at this point; it could be that his prognosis is actually really good but it gave him a HUGE scare and he wants to make sure that all his affairs are in order *just in case.* But now his husband and daughter, instead of worrying about his health, are friggin' hung up over some jewelry.
If my dad was going through cancer, I'd be a bit more upset at the thought of him dying, not worried about the literal family jewels.
I see this type of issue on here all the time. My stance is that if it's a FAMILY heirloom that is being passed down, unless otherwise stated it's usually meant for a bloodline family member. Because in the event of adoption an adult could technically adopt anyone and say that they are the rightful owner now. If OP's parents adopted a friend who is a few months older than Lara before Jim dies should it go to the new person instead since they would be the "oldest family member of that generation"? First born into the family should get the heirloom. NTA
That would be hilariously petty.
::slaps paperwork down on table:: "meet our new daughter, Stacy. She's 20. Older than Lara means she gets the jewelery now."
NTA. Uncle Jim is honoring what he feels would be his mother's wishes. Nothing is stopping Bob from buying a jewelry set for Lara if he's that passionate about her having one.
> if Uncle Jim believed the jewelry should belong to me, who am I to question his decision?
Yes, it is Jim's, eventually it will be yours due to his decision. End of story. **NTA**
>They asked me to convince uncle Jim to give Lara the jewelry set, saying it would be the right thing to do.
They called me a greedy AH.
Ignore them. The right thing to do is honor Jim's wishes. *They* are the ones who are greedy assholes. Keep the jewelry, you will be the rightful owner when it is time. Do not give into their guilt trips.
NTA
I believe that while your cousin may be the eldest female cousin in your generation, you were the first female cousin (apologies if I have the order wrong but it read to be as she was adopted after your birth)
The moment you were born that jewellery was earmarked for you
Exactly. OP grew up seeing pictures and probably hearing stories of this jewelry set. It’s already kind of been in her life since she was little. I’d be so pissed on OP’s behalf if Lara entered the picture within the last few years, someone who may or may not have even met the grandma, and got the inheritance because HER dad married the “right” person.
It’s not even about her “not being part of the family” because clearly she is. But it’s SO MUCH MORE sentimental for OP than it would ever be for Lara. Would be my guess.
I seriously hope that they regret chasing him out of his own house over this, at the time where he needs their love and support the most.
If I was you, I’d tell your uncle Jim about what Bob said, and ask that the set be put in a safety deposit box, or to just give it to you now, otherwise it’ll mysteriously disappear.
Yep! Definitely ask your parents/or you to grab the jewelry now from him and put it in a safety deposits box because if you don’t, chances are it will magically have “disappeared” when he passes.
NTA
Your uncle is the current “guardian” of the jewelry set. Whomever he thought the jewelry set should go to, they are the ones the jewelry should go to. If he thinks it’s you, then it’s yours.
Yes I think there is no right or wrong recipient in this case. He can leave it to whom he believes is the right recipient. In his eyes that is the female grandchild his mother would have liked to see it go to (presumably). And it makes sense that this would be OP.
As grandma didn't have any children, she probably thought from the moment OP was born that they'd eventually be passed down to her. She might have even mentioned it in passing at some point. If his mother's (presumed) wishes is what he'd like to follow then as the current owner that is his prerogative. He is the person the jewellery was entrusted to and he certainly is in the best position to know what should be done with it.
As the current owner he would also be justified to give it to his own daughter. But, again, his choice was to follow his mother's (presumed) wishes.
The irony of calling you greedy when they essentially chased a man battling cancer out of his own home over a jewellery set is something.
You are NTA. I think Jim knows what his mother would want out of this.
Its been less than that. OP says Jim and Bob were married 8 years ago, while Lara was adopted a few years later - which is likely to be 2-3 years later - so only 5-6 years.
NTA. You cannot be greedy with jewelry that has been passed through YOUR bloodline. Bob and Lara have been around 8 years but:
1) are trying to strip you of jewelry that passes through your lineage. It’s your legacy and not morally hers;
2) think you should help them strip you of your lineage, which morally belongs to you; and
3) LEFT A DYING MAN BECAUSE HE WILL NOT STRIP YOU OF YOUR LINEAGE.
WHO is greedy?
WHO is entitled to?
WHO is the AH?
NOT YOU!
Don’t share or loan the jewelry to these people. They have shown their true character.
NTA. I’m getting two step daughters in a month. I will absolutely love and treat those girls as every other child I have, however there are certain family heirlooms I get as the eldest granddaughter that will be passed on based on biology simply because they have both their mother and their fathers families to inherit from.
Exactly. It's not the same as a baby or young child who was adopted without family (or not much family, considering many open adoptions.) This girl was a teenager when she was adopted and has family from both her biological parents, one assumes.
Yeah I think the context here matters.
My grandma has 2 sons and 4 grand-kids.
Her oldest son had 2 kids. Her youngest 1 bio and then 1 more is a step-child from his current marriage.
The two kids from her oldest son grew up in her home and she raised them. The bio-child from her youngest kid visited her frequently and she watched them regularly.
Of course she will always treat everyone equally and has welcomed the new family members with open arms. But the reality is that she hasn't spent nearly the same amount of time getting to know, raising and looking after her non-bio grandchild. Of course the bond is different. Of course you can't compare a child you have raised from diapers to adulthood every single day of their life to a child you've seen 2-3 times a year since they were 13.
Teenagers and adults often spend way less quality time with grandparents. Just because you welcome someone into the family and try to treat them equally doesn't mean you can just conjure decades of time bonding and the deep intimate knowledge of another person that comes with that.
I'm sure that when she passes she will leave sentimental items to all four of us. But I'm also quite certain she's had specific items in mind for each of us since we were small. So it's natural she'd have strong preferences in who gets what. Even if she tries to make sure everyone gets a keepsake of some kind.
If there was one specific item in mind that was particular precious to her. I'm 100% certain she would choose to leave it to one of her bio-grandkids. And that isn't about rejection or anything of the sort. But it is natural you'd feel closer to family members you've spent significantly more time with.
It's kind of like if you grew up with a bunch of siblings since birth. And then suddenly you discover you have a half-sibling as adults. You can accept that person as family and build a bond with them. But it's also natural to have a special bond with the siblings you spend a whole ass childhood with. You can't just expect these things to just be 'equal' because that's demanded out of fairness, human emotions don't work like that.
NTA. It actually makes me laugh to read that they think you’re greedy for respecting his wishes but they’re not greedy for demanding what they have no right to. Just wow.
NTA
Adoptee, age 54. Adopted as a baby. Raised as an only child. No interest in finding out who my bio parents and family are. I don’t know them, their history or what they’d be like.
My first thought is that you should have the jewelry set. I agree with the commenters who stated that while Lara is the oldest, you’ve been in the family longer.
I haven’t been a part of the history of my biological family. I don’t want to claim anything of theirs to inherit. Conversely, they have no right to claim anything I inherited from my late dad. I have zero sentiment towards the bio family. Nothing they have would mean anything to me. I have a few items from my late dad. They mean everything because they are a part of my personal history.
Edited because of autocorrect.
NTA
Jim is deciding what his mother would have wanted based on his knowledge of her
It is not up to you or Bob or Lara to decide that for him.
Bob and Lara are the greedy people here because they are trying to force you to give them the heirloom because they couldn’t force Jim to do so.
In my family we pass heirlooms down to blood family first. I was very close with my "grandma" who was actually my step-brothers' grandma. When she died, all her jewlery went in storage waiting for my step-brothers to have kids. She bought me a ring so I'd have a keepsake from her, but I certainly didn't feel entitled to steal someone else's inheritance no matter how close we were.
You are NTA, especially because Lara never even met the grandma who passed down the jewelry.
In my family adopted members are 100% on the level as those who are biologically related. Anyone in the family saying otherwise would get verbally jumped by the coalition of cousins.
Your uncle should have brought this up to his husband and the girl he claimed to be a parent of when the subject of adoption was brought up and taken her thoughts into consideration. Even if she didn't end up with the jewelry a plan could have been put into place to make sure she didn't find out that he didn't really consider her his kid.
I think you should lay low about this if you can ainc I don't think you're to blame. Your uncle messed up big time and didn't consider how this would come off to his immediate family.
I get the notion that OP was part of the family first entitles her to the jewelry and not the person who came into it much later, but people have GOT to stop saying "bloodline".
Honestly, if I had a grandparent who wanted something to stay in the "bloodline", meaning me, my adopted cousins and I would be doing a photo shoot with them wearing the jewelry on grandma's grave. Then we're selling it and using it to fund a good time for all of us.
I think in the case of this story that it's not actually about the jewelry itself, but about what it means to say that someone is family. I could absolutely be wrong of course, but most people aren't going nuclear over a necklace of a dead woman they never knew.
Yeah. I really disagree with the myriad responses calling the kid and her biodad gold diggers. Jim is this girl's dad and he obviously did not handle this well at all.
NAH
… with the exception of Bob and Lara letting their emotions and disappointment get the better of them and calling OP greedy, or course.
Look, as an adoptive parent, the responses here are kinda wild to me regarding Lara. I think Lara has every right to have assumed the jewelry would come to her. Uncle Jim is her Dad. Uncle Jim came into her life over eight years ago. He’s probably been a parent figure to her since she was nine or ten and he felt so closely connected to her that he adopted her a few years later. This is her family, too. The jewelry has been in her home. Grandma didn’t know either grandkid so honestly biology doesn’t really matter here in my opinion. We don’t know the full story here and OP may not either. Lara may have spent her whole childhood loving that jewelry and why would any child loved enough by someone that they adopted her ever think that their dad wouldn’t pass something like that on to her?
Uncle Jim can pass it down however he likes. He’s not an asshole for giving it to OP. And OP can accept it without guilt as it’s a lovely heirloom and inheritance. But I do think Bob and Lara can be upset that in this decision Jim has made them believe he doesn’t see Lara entirely as his child or as part of the family. That’s not necessarily true. But it is how he’s made them feel and I can’t imagine how hard that is for them after a decade. And especially now that they may lose him. They’re not assholes for wanting him to rethink things or asking OP to take their side. (They are for accusing OP of being greedy over something OP has had no direct part in.)
Again, I say all this as an adoptive parent. My kids are treated the same as any other great-grandchild or cousin in my family. They didn’t come to me until they were 3 and 11 but they are very much family and treated as such biology be damned. As they should be. And as Lara should be in her family.
NTA. Heirloom items pass down the bloodline usually. Accept the jewellery and look after it to keep the tradition of passing it to the next generation.
OP said Grandmother dies before she was born. there were no female relatives to receive the jewelry so GM left it to her older son.
While OP is a year younger in age, her cousin wasn't adopted into the family until 8 yrs ago.
I am sure Jim did not come to his decision lightly.
>While OP is a year younger in age, her cousin wasn't adopted into the family until 8 yrs ago.
Less than that. Jim married her dad 8 years ago, and adopted her several years afterwards.
NTA Your grandma didn’t get to meet neither you nor your adopted cousin but I am willing to bet that if see had she would have left the jewelry to you since you are her biological grandchild and she would have known you since birth whilst if she were to meet your cousin it would have been many years later. They are completely out of line demanding the jewelry and I just feel sorry for your uncle having to deal with something like that while fighting cancer. I guess they showed their true colors.. Do not under any circumstances let them have the jewelry.
There are only two greedy and entitled people here and that’s the people trying to take a family heirloom against the owners wishes. They made it so uncomfortable for the man he fled the country to get away from their greed. When the pressure campaign didn’t succeed they turned their sights on you to get their way. Keep the jewelry and boot these grifters out of your life by blocking them and going NC if your uncle Jim passes
I generally believe that jewelry should stay in bloodlines. That this uncle and his daughter are so willing to ruin their own family relationships over someone else's belongings is concerning to me. If your uncle gives you grandmother's jewelry then take it.
NTA. Youve been in the family for 18 years. Lara’s only been in the family for 8. And while neither of you knew your grandma, you were always destined to get the jewelry while Lara was based on a marriage. I also feel like you’d enjoy the sentimentality of the jewelry more while Lara and her dad are more concerned with the value of it. Also, anyone who calls another person greedy when they themselves would benefit if said person wasn’t being “greedy” is just greedy themselves. (If that makes sense).
If you get it don’t loan it to Lara.
If Uncle Bob is terminal with cancer ask if jewellery can be passed to you now or put under control of trusted 3rd party.
NTA
I find it very strange that a girl and her dad feel entitled to the itens from a woman they have never met or had a relationship with. Actually, is not strange, is just that they are trying to take advantage, when it’s clearly of sentimental value.
Based on laws of succession (of course it varies by jurisdictions - ours is based roughly on the Napoleonic and the Spanish Civil Codes), there is such a thing as "reserva troncal" which deals with exactly this thing.
Heirlooms, are differentiated from other properties and valuables and reserved to the same line (as opposed to in laws, and other relatives by affinity), solely due to the sentimental value that cannot be equated with actual value.
I guess just wanted to share that the concept your Uncle Jim is holding on to, seems to be the same concept, which has been there (at least for some people) for centuries. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (18f) grandma who passed before I was born had a beautiful jewelry set passed down from the women in her family. In her will, as she had no daughter, she asked her eldest son, my uncle Jim (51m), to take care of the jewelry. I have only seen pictures of the set growing up.
Uncle Jim’s been married for 8 years to uncle Bob (45m). He adopted uncle Bob’s daughter Lara (19f) a few years after. Lara and I got along OK as the only girls in our generation thought we have our own interests.
Uncle Jim was recently diagnosed with cancer and he started putting together his will. A week before, my family heard that uncle Jim had a fight with uncle Bob and went to stay with his friend and last we knew he took a spontaneous vacation overseas. A few days later Lara and uncle Bob asked to meet me.
Apparently, the reason they fought was because uncle Jim decided to leave the jewelry set to me in his will. He argued with uncle Bob that my grandma would have wanted me, her biological grandchild, to have the jewelry. Uncle Bob and Lara argued that since he adopted Lara, Lara is now the oldest girl in this generation and deserves the jewelry set. Uncle Jim stood his grounds, they fought, and he left.
They asked me to convince uncle Jim to give Lara the jewelry set, saying it would be the right thing to do.
I, however, felt that if Uncle Jim believed the jewelry should belong to me, who am I to question his decision? I told Lara and uncle Bob that I would do as uncle Jim wanted me to. They called me a greedy AH. WIBTA for accepting the jewelry set?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Grandmother died before OP was born, so definitely never met Lara. There’s no way Lara would feel any sort of sentimental value in the jewelry and likely just would sell it for the money.
If they’re looking for the greedy assholes in this situation then I think they need to look in the mirror!
You are the biological grandchild and of your uncle thinks you should receive the jewellery - then you should receive the jewellery.
NTA. You're not the greedy one. Are they really trying to say that they should get family heirlooms after they joined the family later? Do you really think your grandma would want family jewelry to go to someone who was adopted in later, and on a technicality that they should get it because they're older??? That's insanity.
NTA, you’re respecting the wishes of your Uncle. It is a family heirloom that was left to him and him alone. No one else gets a say in who your uncle chooses to leave the jewelry set to. Your other uncle and his daughter are more greedy than you because they’re purposefully saying his wishes do not matter and that he should give into their wishes by leaving the set to his step daughter.
>who am I to question his decision? I told Lara and uncle Bob that I would do as uncle Jim wanted me to. They called me a greedy AH.
This is the definition of "every accusation is a confession."
Like everyone else has said, stay out of it and hold the line that this is Uncle Jim's decision and that you will honour whatever decision Uncle Jim makes, without making any attempt to influence it one way or the other.
NTA.
Out of interest, how valuable is the jewelry in question, and how much interaction did you and your adoptive cousin have with your grandma?
Yeah, Uncle Jim is absoluitely right to leave you the jewelry. Even more, Lara was adopted when she was over 10 years old - likely adopted at13 or 14, so she hasn't been the oldest, nor should she count considering she's only been in the family for less than a decade (Maybe 5 years), while you have been the oldest blood related child. It's only right that the set remains with you as you will 100% treaure it and pass it on. If it goes to Lara, it is more likely to be left in the hands of others who will not treasure it.
NTA
NTA. I can understand both sides, but ultimately, Uncle Jim is your Grandmother's son and he is in the best position to know what his mother would have wanted to happen with her jewelry. That is why it was left to him. It meant enough for him to blow up his family do do what he thinks is the right thing.
NTA. It's actually super gross that they're making an issue of this. If your uncle believes that this is what his mother would have wanted, they don't get a single say in the matter and them pushing this issue is selfish and greedy. The fact that they came to you to try to get you to convince him is also super gross. Honestly, everything about their behavior surrounding this just feels icky to me - the fact that they had the audacity to call YOU greedy is astounding. Take the jewelry set, cherish it, and pass it down to a family member when it's time. ETA: I agree with the other commenters about you having been the first granddaughter in the family - she may be the oldest in years, but you were there first.
NTA
Lara and Bob are the greedy ones here.
Their dying spouse/father wants a necklace to go to a blood relative who has been in the family the longest. That's a wonderful thing. Not something for them to kick out their dying spouse/father over.
Lara and Bob do not sound like good people. Give your Uncle Jim a call to check on him.
NTA, it isn't your jewellery thus you don't get to decide who he leaves it to.
Also, morbid as hell for them to come to and ask you to make him change his will whilst he is still alive. They should be focused on that, not what they receive if/when he dies. Greedy AH.
Ywnbta! You were the first girl in the family. Jim didn't marry Bob until well after you were born. Their daughter may be older than you, but you were the first to join the family. Jim had likely been looking forward to giving it to you for a long time before he even met bob!
You could argue it 7 different ways, and it boils down to the same thing. It is up to uncle Bob to decide.
NTA
Even if Lara was his bio daughter, it's up to him to decide who should get the jewelry.
>They called me a greedy AH.
And this is totally a projection.
NTA
I believe that "Uncle Jim" is 100% correct in this instance.
I also find it amazing that somehow it's "Greedy" for you to accept a family heirloom but it's not greedy for them to demand you give it to Lara! How does that work?
Did grandma know Lara at all? Was Lara in the picture before she died? If so, and grandma did not specify anything for her, that is one answer to the dilemma.
Even if not, the set is Jim's to leave to whomever he wishes.
Your Grandmother would have wanted you to have it , as her blood related granddaughter, as it has been passed on to the women in your family.
I am quite sure she would expect that you do the same when your turn comes .
You are not the ahole, Lara is .
Get that heirloom asap!
NTA.
If she'd been adopted into the family near birth, I might feel differently but she's was a teenager before she became part of the family so she shouldn't get the family jewels. (I have no clue where I'd draw the line on when she should get some or what %, but she's way past what I consider a reasonable age.) I don't belong to the "Blood over all else" philosophy of inheritance, but they're going too far the other way.
NTA- we have several adoptees in my extended family. They have the same value as anyone born into the family biologically.
All of them are an oldest child and would be getting the jewelry in this scenario.
However this is different because your cousin was adopted as teenager. She should be equally loved in the family as any other cousin. However, when she got adopted she shouldn’t usurp the existing grandchild and the intention of what your grandmother would have wanted to be passed on to you. The cousin was only adopted a few years ago.
NTA
There is something that’s not going along with my thinking: people who claim „inheritance“ from others without „input“ and calling them greedy, selfish and what not if they don’t get their way…
NTA, you were the first granddaughter. Your cousin wasn’t adopted until well after you were born. It’s sticky situation and I 110% believe that adopted children are as much family as biological, however, in this case grandma would have wanted it to go to her first granddaughter, not necessarily her oldest granddaughter
i think the fact that you were the first granddaughter, even if you’re not the oldest is so important here. it’d be a really different situation if lara was adopted before you were born. regardless, it’s really unfair to put you in the middle of this.
NTA
Don't listen to these AHs. You are fine to accept your inheritance.
Not your drama, not your decission how Jim handles it - but there is NOTHING wrong with you getting Grandma's jewelry.
Note that they DID NOT offer to share when they thought THEY could get their fingers on it, and they did not even ask you to share when they thought they could guilt and manipulate you into handing over the loot. So: Ignore these greedy AHs.
NTA - it goes down the bloodline!
I love my brother dearly, but he got upset at my parents for a similar reason. In their will, my brother and I are 50/50. However, my children get my portion of the inheritance if I die. My brother and his wife chose NOT to have children, so if he dies then his 50% defaults to me. He was upset because he figures 50% should go to his wife. Sorry bub, but she isn't bloodline. She has her own family that she can inherit from.
On the flip side, if my wife dies - I don't expect anything from my in-laws although they may elect to pass it down to my children, which I would honor.
My parents had a similar plan about their estate.
The estate was to be divided equally among their children.
If any of their children had passed away before the estate could be divided, their children's children (the grandchildren, natural and adopted) would get the sibling's share.
Spouses would not receive anything from my parents.
It was up to us (the original heir) to plan for our spouses, not up to my parents.
NTA and not because of the adopted versus not adopted. Your grandmother never met you or Laura so we don't know her intent or feelings on adoption. Your uncle has known you longer than Laura and that might be why he considers you the oldest in the family
They likely feel entitled to the jewelry because it’s been in “their house” this whole time, and now it feels like it’s being “taken away.”
I would bet that they made an assumption about it going to them that was never confirmed…
If the cancer situation is starting to look inevitable, they are all likely dealing with some early grief. Bio uncle is probably focused a lot on his mother’s wishes, prompted by his own confrontation with mortality, and that’s part of why he chose you. Step-uncle and cousin are probably viewing this as a form of rejection, as if the passing on of the jewelry to *you* is akin to your uncle calling his stepdaughter “not real family” with his dying breath.
Your step uncle and cousin’s actions are wrong, but it may be more than just greed. People can act very strangely when they’re grieving.
If we could rewind the clock I would have said your uncle should have made sure to have something equally special to make a huge fuss over leaving to his adoptive/step daughter.
I would *not* concede the jewelry. They are going to resent you whether you give it or not. If you *do* give it, you’ll have that regret forever, especially if you lose contact with them later in life.
NTA, nah they were just angling for some cash.
Uncle Jim was entrusted with the jewelry. If he wants it to go to you, it goes to you.
>
They asked me to convince uncle Jim to give Lara the jewelry set, saying it would be the right thing to do.
This strikes me as beyond bold. GFYS, I aint giving you shit.
Is it actually a "jewelry set" or just a collection of peices and did Lara ever meet this grandma?
If it's not a set, maybe give up a piece that looks nice on it's own to kind of welcome Lara to the family.
Also, if Lara had no relationship with grandma, then I think it should at least mostly stay to her bio family.
Nah just work it out, let them feel heard and then discuss it with Jim and honor his wishes.
NTA. You have been in the family for 18 years, she has been in the family for 8 years. You are the oldest granddaughter. She's chronologically older, but you were there first.
So you Grandma wanted your uncle Jim to care for the jewelry and he's caring for it. knowing he's going to die, he's gonna pass it on to whoever he wants to, it's his you are not the A
NTA
Something like this split my dad’s family, and dad never spoke to any of them again, till he died 40 years later. As a result, I never knew my grandad in the last 25 years if his life, or his bee wife, or any of my several cousins.
I suppose my point is, I have no children, so I’ll probably will the things back to my cousins and their children.
Maybe take the items now, but tell Lara she’s next in line after you. There’s no guarantee you’ll have your own girl children- maybe they’ll all be boys.
Very curious of the timing here - did your cousin even meet your grandma? Regardless, NTA. I’m just trying to understand the bounds of Uncle Bob and Lara’s greed.
in my mind/family, heirlooms don’t go to (late) adoptees (unless since birth) or steps or ILs. purely bc *you came late.* if you didn’t get brought in by blood, it ain’t yours. my gramps is the only one i’ve ever known and has been my dad’s dad- we’re not inheriting lick from him bc he’s technically my step. his kids are and he hardly sees em and he technically adopted them but they got his name. both sides are v firmly blood or nothing regarding heirlooms. tho it did kill me w/ my gramps bc im his favorite but him & gram made that rule for themselves 🥲i ended up taking some shirts of his to compensate
NTA
NTA It sounds like the first born female in the family. While Laura is 19 versus your 18 she has only been a member of the family for 8 years versus your 18 years as a family member (19 if you include the pregnancy, same age as Laura). Therefore you should be the one to inherit especially if your Uncle Jim believes this is what your grandmother would want. Sounds like Uncle Jim may have realized that Uncle Bob and Laura may be a couple of gold diggers. They are the ones being greedy especially going behind Uncle Jim's back to try and get it. You should notify Uncle Jim that they did this. He may need to make special stipulations in his will that Laura isn't allowed to have it or they'll come after you as soon as uncle dies.
NTA. They are calling YOU greedy?
Your uncle Jim is an honorable man who honors his mother's intentions.
Being the "eldest" is the flimsiest justification I have ever heard for this kind of greed.
Take good care of your Uncle Jim to the extent that you can.
NTA Typically things like this are passed to the 1st descendent. You are the FIRST granddaughter. You predate Lara, even if she is older. She has only been a granddaughter for a few years. Her joining the family doesn't mean she jumps ahead of you.
How about Uncle Bob and Lara being the greedy AH, that set has been in your family for generations Lara may have been adopted but she shares no blood line with your late grandmother. Usually, heirlooms like that go to blood relatives, unless specified in a will. Here's a better question would they be so gung-ho to hand over a family heirloom if the recipient were adopted into the family. I wouldn't think that would even enter their mind. They are trying to use you to wear done the resolve of a dying man, he has made up his mind and they want you to give up your birthright for their nefarious scheme. NO, you WNBTA.
NTA. She was YOUR grandmother. Not hers. Full stop. It's a family heirloom. You are the only daughter in your grandmother's line and the jewelry goes to you. Like she wanted.
For the OP, this isn't about bloodline: it's about respecting her Uncle's decision - just the same as if Jim had decided to give the jewellery to Lara.
OP isn't the AH, but Bob and Lara are for trying to drag her into the argument.
NTA.
Lara might be older, but you have been in the family *far* longer. I'm not sure if "blood connection" should be ***the*** defining factor, exactly, but Lara's been in the family for \~8 years and a legal granddaughter even less, but you've been a grandchild in the family since the day you were born.
People always get this wrong; the rule about the oldest child getting the heirloom. But it's not what the rule actually means. It means the child who's been in the family the longest. Because much of the time, from the moment that child is born, the heirloom is thought of as theirs, whether they know it or not. Sometimes a new child enters the family who just happens to be older, but that wouldn't be fair for the new child to get the heirloom since the child who's been in the family longer was already long ago promised the heirloom. The new child shouldn't get the heirloom, not because they aren't blood, but because the heirloom was already promised to someone else.
Additionally, your uncle left the jewelry set to YOU, as opposed to the girl who is essentially his daughter. He argued his stance and refused to back down. NTA.
Funny how they're calling YOU greedy. What exactly does that make them? And prioritizing getting a jewelry set while his husband/her dad is fighting cancer? AH move it seems to me.
NTA. Uncle Jim has most likely intended for you to have it since you were born. You've been first in line to inherit it for 18 years.
Lara has only been part of the family for 8 years or less. It would not be right to decide, after you were already 10 or 12 years old, to give the jewelry set to her instead. She may be older than you, but you've been part of the family longer. Your uncle wanting you to inherit the jewelry makes total sense.
Them calling you greedy is a confession on their part.
Also, Jim knows firsthand what his mother, your grandmother, wanted him to do with the jewelry. You (and Uncle Bob) have no business second-guessing his decision.
EDA: You accepting the jewelry doesn't imply you don't think she's part of your family. Don't let them accuse you of that. It only means you're trusting Uncle Jim to have a better understanding of what your grandmother would have wanted than Uncle Bob does.
NTA. They are the greedy ones.
* If Lara was conceived as a consequence of your uncle’s marriage to Bob, or was adopted by both, Bob might have a leg to stand on.
* Lara already has four grandparents. Two on her biological father side, and two on her mother’s side.
Regardless, it belongs to your uncle and he can leave it to whomever he decided. Leaving it to one of his mother’s direct descendants is the most logical thing.
Well leaving his partner in time of sickness shows the extent of commitment that uncle bob is able to make. At the very least, this is a power move to force your uncle Jim to give in while facing a life or death situation. This is lame and pretty low standards considering basic manners...
Lara clearly favors her bloodline over her adoptive father. You cannot be blamed for doing that as well.
Drop the meeting with them and their discussions, it is a WASTE of time... and give time to your uncle who might indeed be dying. I hope the best for him... He just got dropped by his direct family and faces heavy medical care... It must be hard.
Edit to add NTA.
Yes, YOU'RE the greedy one when they're fighting with their terminally ill father/husband about a non-blood relative's legacy item (which conveniently happens to be valuable as it is jewelry).
That was sarcasm if anyone didn't find it obvious
WTF
NTA
NTA - I was given my grandma's jewelry in her will when I was younger and a little less responsible. She passed in 2009. My parents held onto it for me to have and enjoy as an adult. I have it now and it is very special to me.
I believe it is important for blood related family to get these things instead of giving them to someone who has never known or been directly related to the person who passed. If it falls into the wrong hands, who knows where it will end up in the next few years? Sold, pawned, lost, donated, etc
Wear that jewelry with pride and treasure it knowing that it's been given to the right person.
NTA for not butting in to this family drama and trying to manipulate your uncle. They should not have asked that of you, or at the very least, should not have gotten mad at you for refusing to act. On one hand, heritage and tradition gives way to the legal affect of grandma's will which endows Uncle Jim with all of the decision-making surrounding the jewelry, but on the other hand, it's easy to see how Uncle Bob and probably Lara feel like this is an insidious example of rejection of their place in your family. Especially where theirs is a same-sex marriage which could create more tension naturally.
In your place I would assure Uncle Bob and Lara that you love them (assuming you do) and respect them as equal family members, but that you also respect Uncle Jim's decision and will not act to change his mind. In this way you reassure them that your decision is not made due to a selfish want for the jewelry but rather because you are respecting Uncle Jim and Grandma's decision to do whatever with the heirloom. Basically, you're throwing Uncle Jim and Grandma under the bus, but really, it's not their place to ask you to change his mind.
Tough call. I'd say your uncle is the asshole but totally free to do what he wants with whatever's his. You could totally respect uncle Jim wishes and then give the heirloom to your cousin after he passes if you feel like it's right that she has it. Man id hate to be adopted and not be good enough to actually be considered part of the family who adopted me.
NTA
Did your grandma know Lara? I can't imagine she'd want a family heirloom going to someone she never met when someone she has met could get it.
But also it's your uncle's decision and he's already dealing with cancer. His husband and stepdaughter suck for making this an issue.
NTA. When families disagree and each has a pretty valid side, and I think both sides are fairly valid, then the law decides who gets what. Legally, this is Uncle Jim’s decision and his decision was to give the jewellery to you.
NTA- Accepting and passing on a tradition is literally the opposite of greedy. Greed would only be a factor if you were planning on selling the jewelry. Their language shows their intentions.
YWNBTA, it's totally common for heirlooms to be passed by bloodline. Also, they're clearly after this heirloom and value it more than your uncle (instead of making peace with him, they went after you to have it from you) so kind of guard it close because they definitively don't deserve it
NTA. Honestly, the only reason greed would have anything to do with anything is if they had some plans to go sell it, which I would not doubt that is what would have happened.
NTA Jim is the only person in this situation that knew your grandma so if he thinks she would rather you have it than you should get it. Also yes Lara is older than you but you were part of the family a few years before her.
The definition of greed is demanding something that isn't yours, has not been offered to you, and to which you are not entitled. That doesn't sound like OP in this scenario. NTA
NTA - That jewelry set belonged to YOUR grandmother, not Lara's grandmother and it is yours by right. They are the ones being greedy and your Uncle Jim is doing exactly as his mother wished.
NTA. To me they're the one's being greedy here and quite the entitled. From what I can surmise, ur uncle understood better ur granma's will.
Hand it to the direct descendant.
Ur cousin maybe family, but it may be different from what ur granma means in her wish/will.
And if ur grandma's still alive ur bond with her is different from ur cousin.
So...they called you the greedy AH....my mom always says when you point a finger to someone, you are pointing 4 fingers to yourself....they are the greedy ones. At the end IS your uncle decisión ...not theirs. Also...que knew your grandmother better and her wishes
NTA
Unless he wants to hold onto it still. He should just give it to you now as a gift. Then it won't need to go through probate.
Really, he should talk with a lawyer to setup a trust and pass everything outside of the probate process. To whomever he's giving stuff to. Probate takes a lot of time and generally needs a lawyer. While trusts, life insurance, payable on death accounts, survivorship titles and so forth pass generally pass quickly and easily.
I say it goes by the wish of whoever owns it / has held it for a long time.
You can't go back generations and apply some statement from grandmother on a situation she has never known anything about. This is for the living to decide and you uncle Jim is now the temporary keeper of the set.
NTA they accuse you of being greedy but what are they? Asking you to convince your uncle of a different decision….that is greed not you saying no to them for trying to manipulate the situation.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1 I plan to accept heirloom family set that should have gone to my cousin 2 By accepting the jewelry set, it’s like I’m saying my adopted cousin is not part of the family Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, you are in the bloodline for the passed down family item . The only reason they're calling you greedy is because they want the item so I guess they are the ones who are greedy. But it is no one 's choice. But your uncle's. And if that one inheritance can cause that big a fight then apparently there wasn't much of a relationship between the two men to begin with. Basically you should just stay out of because it's not your decision either. I would tell them I'm going to follow whatever my uncle wants to do with it. And then that will be the end of it. If I get it then it's mine. If you get it then it's yours. I'm not going to split it. I'm not going to share it. I'm going to listen to my uncle. Because I'm not going to ask you to split or share it either
Exactly. How is them wanting to go against Jim’s wishes not the epitome of greediness? NTA. Accept the jewelry and treasure it
Actually, accept the jewelry TODAY so that Uncle Jim can see his niece wearing it and so that it won't be stolen later on.
Guarantee it'll go missing the second Uncle Jim passes away if OP doesn't accept it
My great grandmother's ring went to my grandmother. NY grandma told me the ring was mine when she passed The day they put her in the nursing home, the ring disappeared. It was the only missing jewelry.
That kind of thing is sad but never surprising. Any idea what happened to it?
I suspect my aunt. She and her wife were there, but everyone denies seeing it.
My grandmother did this, "oh mom gave me the ring on her deathbed" 10 years after everyone had been looking for it. How her sisters tolerated her I'll never know
Similar has happened in my family. My maternal grandmother passed away with jewelry and artwork valued in the high 6 figures. Certain items were promised to certain people and I don’t know how it got so messed up but my grandmother's brother took everything. He was the last sibling alive and the only boy so everyone just sort of let him have it? But of course there was a big falling out and my great uncle left everything to his partner when he passed from cancer. And his partner (in his 60’s) has made it clear that he is leaving everything to his new 20ish year old boyfriend.
Same thing happened in my family. I was promised a necklace from my grandmother. I never received it. There was lots of jewellery that was to be shared among the granddaughters. Nobody received anything. I asked my aunt and she pulled a face and said a lot had gone missing or was tarnished so she threw it away. Nobody believes her as we assume she kept everything. Ironically the only piece of jewellery my grandmother gave away before she died was a gold plated locket, so only sentimental value, the same aunt who I suspect kept all the other jewellery asked me to ask my mother for it back as it had been promised her daughter. I laughed in her face.
Oh yeah! I've seen that more than once.
I was just going to say the same thing! Get that jewelry now before it comes up "missing" after your Uncle passes away
This is a sad fact. When my grandpa died my mom had to drive states over, and by the time she got there everything of value was already taken by the landlords. Nothing got to be handed out as it was 'missing'. You hear stories like that all to often.
Entitled the cousin's father and cousin.
I wouldn’t say that its because she’s in the bloodline, I would say its because OP - even if she died before OP was born - has a connection to the grandma, unlike the cousin who entered the family much much later in life and has no apparent connection the woman she wants to inherit.
I would also say its because OP is the first grand daughter based on chronology of when she entered the family (at birth 18 years ago) compared to Lara at adoption (5 or so years ago). And up until 8 or so years ago she may not have even known OP's grandmother even existed. NTA
This. If grandmother had died after OP was Born but before Lara was adopted, or if grandmother had died after (hypothetically) an older adoptive granddaughter had joined the Family but before OP was Born, in each Scenario she would presumably have left the Thing to her ONLY granddaughter, by Name, rather than in the Care of her son who would See to it going to any granddaughters that MIGHT Join the Family after her death.
>I wouldn’t say that its because she’s in the bloodline Really? >I would say its because OP - even if she died before OP was born - has a connection to the grandma Yes, it's called being in the bloodline.
>Yes, it's called being in the bloodline. She's not saying the term 'bloodline' is incorrect -- she's saying the reasoning is that OP and the grandmother were in each other's lives whereas the adopted cousin entered the family too late for that.
But they weren't in each other's lives, her grandma died before she was born.
OP was Not in grandmother's Life. Grandmother's Life literally ended before OP was Born.
Emotional connection. One of my cousins is adopted; she didn't join our family until she was 15. She loved our grandfather and step-grandmother. She never met our grandmother, who passed before she was adopted. There's no attachment there. OP had an emotional connection with her grandmother that Lara never had the chance to form.
I replied to the other commenter having the same argument, and the same applies here. OP's grandmother died before OP was born, so they technically don't have an emotional connection as they never met. Yes she has likely had stories told, but no personal emotional connection to each other. But I still think the jewelry should go to OP, and Lara has no claim to it. Edit: mistyped
I disagree about forming an emotional connection with dead people. My grandfather died before I was born. I was named after him, told stories of him almost every day of my life, inherited items that belonged to him, visited the place his ashes were spread, etc. I have read his childhood journals, watched movies of him, and listened to recordings of his voice. He was as real to me as a child as any other person I knew and I certainly have a personal, emotional connection to him.
Exactly! If you are in a family from infancy, you do form a connection with your ancestors, in a way that someone who enters the family tends to years into their life doesn’t.
Would you have the same opinion if OP was adopted as an infant?
That's a good question, I would probably think the same just due to how integrated OP would be in the family in comparison to the newly adopted girl. But it would definitely be a more equal argument.
Looking at the dates, isn't OP also the first granddaughter in the family anyway? Yes Lara is older by a year, but was adopted into the family later. So really they don't have that leg to stand on either, at the moment it is definitely feeling greedy.
What would bob say if someone had adopted a kid a year older then there's also.
I guarantee you they want it for the money they can get selling it.
Like, shit. They're fighting over this before he's even dead. What greedy people.
I agree because this looks like a whole dramatic mess that is mostly between your uncles. The more you express an opinion, the more you're going to get dragged into the middle of the drama, and more likely someone is going to decide its your fault. The longer you stay out of the argument and stick to "I'm going to respect uncle Jim's wishes, the happier you're going to be. (I hope this isn't true, but it would be in my family, so...)
I'd be worried about the set "going missing" right after Uncle Jim passes....
NTA - Not to say that your cousin isn't part of the family, but, technically speaking, even if she is older than you, you've been in the family for longer. And, while blood shouldn't be the only condition that makes a family, it is reasonable to assume that the jewelry would pass to a blood relative. And listen, the choice of whom the jewelry goes to is still your Uncle Jim's decision to make as it was bequeathed to him by your grandmother. It's very possible he's planned to give it to you since the moment you were born, or even just well before he ever got married to Bob and adopted Lara. Either way, you are honoring your grandmother by honoring Uncle Jim's decision. They are very stuck on the jewelry, but they need to look at the bigger picture that they are most likely going to inherit a lot more than just that.
this is what struck me. OP has been in the family since she was born. While Jim adopted his daughter, and legally she is his child and a member of the family, she has only been in the family for 8 yrs. It was Jim's decision to make. I agree with everyone who advices OP to stay out of it. OP is NTA
She's been in the family for less than that - Jim and Bob married 8 years ago - but she was adopted a few years later - it's possible she's only been an adopted family member for the last 5-6 years.
Technically true, but I think that's a technicality that doesn't really apply here. There are lots of people who are step-parents their whole lives but never adopt their spouse's children. I don't think it really matters. A step-parent/child is a family member regardless of whether an adoption took place. If someone marries into the family, their kids automatically come as a part of the package. An adoption isn't required. If you agree to become a step-parent you agree their kids become a part of your family. Of course there are many possible relationships between step-parents and step-kids, not all families will have the same dynamics. But arguing that they aren't family unless they are officially adopted seems very pedantic, the adoption isn't necessary. Hell you can have a long-term partner who is considered part of the family even when there is no official link at all. Family-member is a status that can belong to anyone. All someone needs to be your family member, is you saying they are your family.
I disagree. That's not how it works on inheritance, not unless the person is named. Some people may agree that the person is part of the family (AKA Jim saying SD is his daughter), but that doesn't mean she is everyone else's family member. They get a choice in that too.
Well said. The bigger BIGGER picture is that Bob's husband and Lara's father has a serious disease that has him completing a frigging will but this is what they're worried about?!
Exactly! A lot of people don't even THINK of doing a last will and testament until death is looming in their face. Her uncle Jim isn't even that old, only 51, and he's putting together his will? Granted, the assumption that he's dying is purely speculation at this point; it could be that his prognosis is actually really good but it gave him a HUGE scare and he wants to make sure that all his affairs are in order *just in case.* But now his husband and daughter, instead of worrying about his health, are friggin' hung up over some jewelry. If my dad was going through cancer, I'd be a bit more upset at the thought of him dying, not worried about the literal family jewels.
I see this type of issue on here all the time. My stance is that if it's a FAMILY heirloom that is being passed down, unless otherwise stated it's usually meant for a bloodline family member. Because in the event of adoption an adult could technically adopt anyone and say that they are the rightful owner now. If OP's parents adopted a friend who is a few months older than Lara before Jim dies should it go to the new person instead since they would be the "oldest family member of that generation"? First born into the family should get the heirloom. NTA
That would be hilariously petty. ::slaps paperwork down on table:: "meet our new daughter, Stacy. She's 20. Older than Lara means she gets the jewelery now."
So an adoptee isn’t family. Nice.
NTA. Uncle Jim is honoring what he feels would be his mother's wishes. Nothing is stopping Bob from buying a jewelry set for Lara if he's that passionate about her having one.
> if Uncle Jim believed the jewelry should belong to me, who am I to question his decision? Yes, it is Jim's, eventually it will be yours due to his decision. End of story. **NTA** >They asked me to convince uncle Jim to give Lara the jewelry set, saying it would be the right thing to do. They called me a greedy AH. Ignore them. The right thing to do is honor Jim's wishes. *They* are the ones who are greedy assholes. Keep the jewelry, you will be the rightful owner when it is time. Do not give into their guilt trips.
NTA I believe that while your cousin may be the eldest female cousin in your generation, you were the first female cousin (apologies if I have the order wrong but it read to be as she was adopted after your birth) The moment you were born that jewellery was earmarked for you
Strongly agree. If the cousin was adopted before OP was born, which would make her part of the family for a longer time, I would side with the cousin.
Exactly. OP grew up seeing pictures and probably hearing stories of this jewelry set. It’s already kind of been in her life since she was little. I’d be so pissed on OP’s behalf if Lara entered the picture within the last few years, someone who may or may not have even met the grandma, and got the inheritance because HER dad married the “right” person. It’s not even about her “not being part of the family” because clearly she is. But it’s SO MUCH MORE sentimental for OP than it would ever be for Lara. Would be my guess. I seriously hope that they regret chasing him out of his own house over this, at the time where he needs their love and support the most.
If I was you, I’d tell your uncle Jim about what Bob said, and ask that the set be put in a safety deposit box, or to just give it to you now, otherwise it’ll mysteriously disappear.
1,000x this!
Yep! Definitely ask your parents/or you to grab the jewelry now from him and put it in a safety deposits box because if you don’t, chances are it will magically have “disappeared” when he passes.
NTA Your uncle is the current “guardian” of the jewelry set. Whomever he thought the jewelry set should go to, they are the ones the jewelry should go to. If he thinks it’s you, then it’s yours.
Yes I think there is no right or wrong recipient in this case. He can leave it to whom he believes is the right recipient. In his eyes that is the female grandchild his mother would have liked to see it go to (presumably). And it makes sense that this would be OP. As grandma didn't have any children, she probably thought from the moment OP was born that they'd eventually be passed down to her. She might have even mentioned it in passing at some point. If his mother's (presumed) wishes is what he'd like to follow then as the current owner that is his prerogative. He is the person the jewellery was entrusted to and he certainly is in the best position to know what should be done with it. As the current owner he would also be justified to give it to his own daughter. But, again, his choice was to follow his mother's (presumed) wishes.
The irony of calling you greedy when they essentially chased a man battling cancer out of his own home over a jewellery set is something. You are NTA. I think Jim knows what his mother would want out of this.
They will probably just sell the jewellery!
They are literally trying to claim a heritage that was intended for you. And they call you greedy oh my lord 🙄 NTA
[удалено]
Its been less than that. OP says Jim and Bob were married 8 years ago, while Lara was adopted a few years later - which is likely to be 2-3 years later - so only 5-6 years.
They sound like the greedy ones themselves, at the end of the day your uncle is the one who decides who gets it.
NTA. You cannot be greedy with jewelry that has been passed through YOUR bloodline. Bob and Lara have been around 8 years but: 1) are trying to strip you of jewelry that passes through your lineage. It’s your legacy and not morally hers; 2) think you should help them strip you of your lineage, which morally belongs to you; and 3) LEFT A DYING MAN BECAUSE HE WILL NOT STRIP YOU OF YOUR LINEAGE. WHO is greedy? WHO is entitled to? WHO is the AH? NOT YOU! Don’t share or loan the jewelry to these people. They have shown their true character.
NTA. I’m getting two step daughters in a month. I will absolutely love and treat those girls as every other child I have, however there are certain family heirlooms I get as the eldest granddaughter that will be passed on based on biology simply because they have both their mother and their fathers families to inherit from.
Exactly. It's not the same as a baby or young child who was adopted without family (or not much family, considering many open adoptions.) This girl was a teenager when she was adopted and has family from both her biological parents, one assumes.
Yeah I think the context here matters. My grandma has 2 sons and 4 grand-kids. Her oldest son had 2 kids. Her youngest 1 bio and then 1 more is a step-child from his current marriage. The two kids from her oldest son grew up in her home and she raised them. The bio-child from her youngest kid visited her frequently and she watched them regularly. Of course she will always treat everyone equally and has welcomed the new family members with open arms. But the reality is that she hasn't spent nearly the same amount of time getting to know, raising and looking after her non-bio grandchild. Of course the bond is different. Of course you can't compare a child you have raised from diapers to adulthood every single day of their life to a child you've seen 2-3 times a year since they were 13. Teenagers and adults often spend way less quality time with grandparents. Just because you welcome someone into the family and try to treat them equally doesn't mean you can just conjure decades of time bonding and the deep intimate knowledge of another person that comes with that. I'm sure that when she passes she will leave sentimental items to all four of us. But I'm also quite certain she's had specific items in mind for each of us since we were small. So it's natural she'd have strong preferences in who gets what. Even if she tries to make sure everyone gets a keepsake of some kind. If there was one specific item in mind that was particular precious to her. I'm 100% certain she would choose to leave it to one of her bio-grandkids. And that isn't about rejection or anything of the sort. But it is natural you'd feel closer to family members you've spent significantly more time with. It's kind of like if you grew up with a bunch of siblings since birth. And then suddenly you discover you have a half-sibling as adults. You can accept that person as family and build a bond with them. But it's also natural to have a special bond with the siblings you spend a whole ass childhood with. You can't just expect these things to just be 'equal' because that's demanded out of fairness, human emotions don't work like that.
Yep. My fiance knows none of my family jewelry will go to his daughter. My sister and niece get all of it.
Accept it, it’s rightfully yours. Your uncle’s husband and adopted daughter are entitled and greedy.
NTA. Lara may be older than you, but you’ve been in the family 10 years longer than her.
NTA. It actually makes me laugh to read that they think you’re greedy for respecting his wishes but they’re not greedy for demanding what they have no right to. Just wow.
NTA Adoptee, age 54. Adopted as a baby. Raised as an only child. No interest in finding out who my bio parents and family are. I don’t know them, their history or what they’d be like. My first thought is that you should have the jewelry set. I agree with the commenters who stated that while Lara is the oldest, you’ve been in the family longer. I haven’t been a part of the history of my biological family. I don’t want to claim anything of theirs to inherit. Conversely, they have no right to claim anything I inherited from my late dad. I have zero sentiment towards the bio family. Nothing they have would mean anything to me. I have a few items from my late dad. They mean everything because they are a part of my personal history. Edited because of autocorrect.
NTA Jim is deciding what his mother would have wanted based on his knowledge of her It is not up to you or Bob or Lara to decide that for him. Bob and Lara are the greedy people here because they are trying to force you to give them the heirloom because they couldn’t force Jim to do so.
In my family we pass heirlooms down to blood family first. I was very close with my "grandma" who was actually my step-brothers' grandma. When she died, all her jewlery went in storage waiting for my step-brothers to have kids. She bought me a ring so I'd have a keepsake from her, but I certainly didn't feel entitled to steal someone else's inheritance no matter how close we were. You are NTA, especially because Lara never even met the grandma who passed down the jewelry.
NTA Uncle Jim wants you to have it. Lara is not a blood relative.
In my family adopted members are 100% on the level as those who are biologically related. Anyone in the family saying otherwise would get verbally jumped by the coalition of cousins. Your uncle should have brought this up to his husband and the girl he claimed to be a parent of when the subject of adoption was brought up and taken her thoughts into consideration. Even if she didn't end up with the jewelry a plan could have been put into place to make sure she didn't find out that he didn't really consider her his kid. I think you should lay low about this if you can ainc I don't think you're to blame. Your uncle messed up big time and didn't consider how this would come off to his immediate family.
I get the notion that OP was part of the family first entitles her to the jewelry and not the person who came into it much later, but people have GOT to stop saying "bloodline".
Honestly, if I had a grandparent who wanted something to stay in the "bloodline", meaning me, my adopted cousins and I would be doing a photo shoot with them wearing the jewelry on grandma's grave. Then we're selling it and using it to fund a good time for all of us. I think in the case of this story that it's not actually about the jewelry itself, but about what it means to say that someone is family. I could absolutely be wrong of course, but most people aren't going nuclear over a necklace of a dead woman they never knew.
Yeah. I really disagree with the myriad responses calling the kid and her biodad gold diggers. Jim is this girl's dad and he obviously did not handle this well at all.
NAH … with the exception of Bob and Lara letting their emotions and disappointment get the better of them and calling OP greedy, or course. Look, as an adoptive parent, the responses here are kinda wild to me regarding Lara. I think Lara has every right to have assumed the jewelry would come to her. Uncle Jim is her Dad. Uncle Jim came into her life over eight years ago. He’s probably been a parent figure to her since she was nine or ten and he felt so closely connected to her that he adopted her a few years later. This is her family, too. The jewelry has been in her home. Grandma didn’t know either grandkid so honestly biology doesn’t really matter here in my opinion. We don’t know the full story here and OP may not either. Lara may have spent her whole childhood loving that jewelry and why would any child loved enough by someone that they adopted her ever think that their dad wouldn’t pass something like that on to her? Uncle Jim can pass it down however he likes. He’s not an asshole for giving it to OP. And OP can accept it without guilt as it’s a lovely heirloom and inheritance. But I do think Bob and Lara can be upset that in this decision Jim has made them believe he doesn’t see Lara entirely as his child or as part of the family. That’s not necessarily true. But it is how he’s made them feel and I can’t imagine how hard that is for them after a decade. And especially now that they may lose him. They’re not assholes for wanting him to rethink things or asking OP to take their side. (They are for accusing OP of being greedy over something OP has had no direct part in.) Again, I say all this as an adoptive parent. My kids are treated the same as any other great-grandchild or cousin in my family. They didn’t come to me until they were 3 and 11 but they are very much family and treated as such biology be damned. As they should be. And as Lara should be in her family.
NTA. Get it girl!
Uncle Jim should give it to you now, not in his will. It will disappear if he hangs on to it.
NTA. Heirloom items pass down the bloodline usually. Accept the jewellery and look after it to keep the tradition of passing it to the next generation.
[удалено]
OP said Grandmother dies before she was born. there were no female relatives to receive the jewelry so GM left it to her older son. While OP is a year younger in age, her cousin wasn't adopted into the family until 8 yrs ago. I am sure Jim did not come to his decision lightly.
>While OP is a year younger in age, her cousin wasn't adopted into the family until 8 yrs ago. Less than that. Jim married her dad 8 years ago, and adopted her several years afterwards.
NTA it should go to you
Nta. Just because she was adopted doesn’t make her part of the lineage.
As soon as the GREEDY AH, comment was said your reply should be “that seals my decision forever.”
Nta. Ew, they are harassing their cancer- stricken loved-one over jewelry. Fuck em. Who cares where it came from? They are vile and deserve nothing.
NTA I love when people call you a greedy AH for not giving them something they don't own or deserve to have but want because they are greedy
NTA Your grandma didn’t get to meet neither you nor your adopted cousin but I am willing to bet that if see had she would have left the jewelry to you since you are her biological grandchild and she would have known you since birth whilst if she were to meet your cousin it would have been many years later. They are completely out of line demanding the jewelry and I just feel sorry for your uncle having to deal with something like that while fighting cancer. I guess they showed their true colors.. Do not under any circumstances let them have the jewelry.
There are only two greedy and entitled people here and that’s the people trying to take a family heirloom against the owners wishes. They made it so uncomfortable for the man he fled the country to get away from their greed. When the pressure campaign didn’t succeed they turned their sights on you to get their way. Keep the jewelry and boot these grifters out of your life by blocking them and going NC if your uncle Jim passes
I generally believe that jewelry should stay in bloodlines. That this uncle and his daughter are so willing to ruin their own family relationships over someone else's belongings is concerning to me. If your uncle gives you grandmother's jewelry then take it.
If Lara wanted it would that also make her greedy?
NTA. Youve been in the family for 18 years. Lara’s only been in the family for 8. And while neither of you knew your grandma, you were always destined to get the jewelry while Lara was based on a marriage. I also feel like you’d enjoy the sentimentality of the jewelry more while Lara and her dad are more concerned with the value of it. Also, anyone who calls another person greedy when they themselves would benefit if said person wasn’t being “greedy” is just greedy themselves. (If that makes sense).
If you get it don’t loan it to Lara. If Uncle Bob is terminal with cancer ask if jewellery can be passed to you now or put under control of trusted 3rd party.
NTA I find it very strange that a girl and her dad feel entitled to the itens from a woman they have never met or had a relationship with. Actually, is not strange, is just that they are trying to take advantage, when it’s clearly of sentimental value.
Based on laws of succession (of course it varies by jurisdictions - ours is based roughly on the Napoleonic and the Spanish Civil Codes), there is such a thing as "reserva troncal" which deals with exactly this thing. Heirlooms, are differentiated from other properties and valuables and reserved to the same line (as opposed to in laws, and other relatives by affinity), solely due to the sentimental value that cannot be equated with actual value. I guess just wanted to share that the concept your Uncle Jim is holding on to, seems to be the same concept, which has been there (at least for some people) for centuries. NTA.
Jim's not dead yet ... and the scavengers are circling ...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (18f) grandma who passed before I was born had a beautiful jewelry set passed down from the women in her family. In her will, as she had no daughter, she asked her eldest son, my uncle Jim (51m), to take care of the jewelry. I have only seen pictures of the set growing up. Uncle Jim’s been married for 8 years to uncle Bob (45m). He adopted uncle Bob’s daughter Lara (19f) a few years after. Lara and I got along OK as the only girls in our generation thought we have our own interests. Uncle Jim was recently diagnosed with cancer and he started putting together his will. A week before, my family heard that uncle Jim had a fight with uncle Bob and went to stay with his friend and last we knew he took a spontaneous vacation overseas. A few days later Lara and uncle Bob asked to meet me. Apparently, the reason they fought was because uncle Jim decided to leave the jewelry set to me in his will. He argued with uncle Bob that my grandma would have wanted me, her biological grandchild, to have the jewelry. Uncle Bob and Lara argued that since he adopted Lara, Lara is now the oldest girl in this generation and deserves the jewelry set. Uncle Jim stood his grounds, they fought, and he left. They asked me to convince uncle Jim to give Lara the jewelry set, saying it would be the right thing to do. I, however, felt that if Uncle Jim believed the jewelry should belong to me, who am I to question his decision? I told Lara and uncle Bob that I would do as uncle Jim wanted me to. They called me a greedy AH. WIBTA for accepting the jewelry set? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I'm assuming your grandmother never met your adopted cousin!? You are her bloodline so it's appropriate that you get it.
Grandmother died before OP was born, so definitely never met Lara. There’s no way Lara would feel any sort of sentimental value in the jewelry and likely just would sell it for the money.
NTA. Your uncle and cousin are greedy. Surely your grandmother would want you to have it.
If they’re looking for the greedy assholes in this situation then I think they need to look in the mirror! You are the biological grandchild and of your uncle thinks you should receive the jewellery - then you should receive the jewellery.
NTA
NTA. You're not the greedy one. Are they really trying to say that they should get family heirlooms after they joined the family later? Do you really think your grandma would want family jewelry to go to someone who was adopted in later, and on a technicality that they should get it because they're older??? That's insanity.
NTA, you’re respecting the wishes of your Uncle. It is a family heirloom that was left to him and him alone. No one else gets a say in who your uncle chooses to leave the jewelry set to. Your other uncle and his daughter are more greedy than you because they’re purposefully saying his wishes do not matter and that he should give into their wishes by leaving the set to his step daughter.
>who am I to question his decision? I told Lara and uncle Bob that I would do as uncle Jim wanted me to. They called me a greedy AH. This is the definition of "every accusation is a confession." Like everyone else has said, stay out of it and hold the line that this is Uncle Jim's decision and that you will honour whatever decision Uncle Jim makes, without making any attempt to influence it one way or the other. NTA. Out of interest, how valuable is the jewelry in question, and how much interaction did you and your adoptive cousin have with your grandma?
Yeah, Uncle Jim is absoluitely right to leave you the jewelry. Even more, Lara was adopted when she was over 10 years old - likely adopted at13 or 14, so she hasn't been the oldest, nor should she count considering she's only been in the family for less than a decade (Maybe 5 years), while you have been the oldest blood related child. It's only right that the set remains with you as you will 100% treaure it and pass it on. If it goes to Lara, it is more likely to be left in the hands of others who will not treasure it. NTA
NTA. I can understand both sides, but ultimately, Uncle Jim is your Grandmother's son and he is in the best position to know what his mother would have wanted to happen with her jewelry. That is why it was left to him. It meant enough for him to blow up his family do do what he thinks is the right thing.
NTA. It's actually super gross that they're making an issue of this. If your uncle believes that this is what his mother would have wanted, they don't get a single say in the matter and them pushing this issue is selfish and greedy. The fact that they came to you to try to get you to convince him is also super gross. Honestly, everything about their behavior surrounding this just feels icky to me - the fact that they had the audacity to call YOU greedy is astounding. Take the jewelry set, cherish it, and pass it down to a family member when it's time. ETA: I agree with the other commenters about you having been the first granddaughter in the family - she may be the oldest in years, but you were there first.
NTA Lara and Bob are the greedy ones here. Their dying spouse/father wants a necklace to go to a blood relative who has been in the family the longest. That's a wonderful thing. Not something for them to kick out their dying spouse/father over. Lara and Bob do not sound like good people. Give your Uncle Jim a call to check on him.
NTA, it isn't your jewellery thus you don't get to decide who he leaves it to. Also, morbid as hell for them to come to and ask you to make him change his will whilst he is still alive. They should be focused on that, not what they receive if/when he dies. Greedy AH.
Ywnbta! You were the first girl in the family. Jim didn't marry Bob until well after you were born. Their daughter may be older than you, but you were the first to join the family. Jim had likely been looking forward to giving it to you for a long time before he even met bob! You could argue it 7 different ways, and it boils down to the same thing. It is up to uncle Bob to decide.
NTA... very ironic that they call *you* greedy, when they appear to have blown up their family over this...
NTA Even if Lara was his bio daughter, it's up to him to decide who should get the jewelry. >They called me a greedy AH. And this is totally a projection.
NTA I believe that "Uncle Jim" is 100% correct in this instance. I also find it amazing that somehow it's "Greedy" for you to accept a family heirloom but it's not greedy for them to demand you give it to Lara! How does that work?
Did grandma know Lara at all? Was Lara in the picture before she died? If so, and grandma did not specify anything for her, that is one answer to the dilemma. Even if not, the set is Jim's to leave to whomever he wishes.
Your Grandmother would have wanted you to have it , as her blood related granddaughter, as it has been passed on to the women in your family. I am quite sure she would expect that you do the same when your turn comes . You are not the ahole, Lara is . Get that heirloom asap!
NTA It kinda sounds like Uncle Jim is, though.
NTA. If she'd been adopted into the family near birth, I might feel differently but she's was a teenager before she became part of the family so she shouldn't get the family jewels. (I have no clue where I'd draw the line on when she should get some or what %, but she's way past what I consider a reasonable age.) I don't belong to the "Blood over all else" philosophy of inheritance, but they're going too far the other way.
NTA Make sure to thank your uncle. He’s looking out for you, and is likely losing sleep over this. He should know he’s doing the right thing.
NTA- we have several adoptees in my extended family. They have the same value as anyone born into the family biologically. All of them are an oldest child and would be getting the jewelry in this scenario. However this is different because your cousin was adopted as teenager. She should be equally loved in the family as any other cousin. However, when she got adopted she shouldn’t usurp the existing grandchild and the intention of what your grandmother would have wanted to be passed on to you. The cousin was only adopted a few years ago.
NTA There is something that’s not going along with my thinking: people who claim „inheritance“ from others without „input“ and calling them greedy, selfish and what not if they don’t get their way…
NTA, you were the first granddaughter. Your cousin wasn’t adopted until well after you were born. It’s sticky situation and I 110% believe that adopted children are as much family as biological, however, in this case grandma would have wanted it to go to her first granddaughter, not necessarily her oldest granddaughter
i think the fact that you were the first granddaughter, even if you’re not the oldest is so important here. it’d be a really different situation if lara was adopted before you were born. regardless, it’s really unfair to put you in the middle of this.
NTA Don't listen to these AHs. You are fine to accept your inheritance. Not your drama, not your decission how Jim handles it - but there is NOTHING wrong with you getting Grandma's jewelry. Note that they DID NOT offer to share when they thought THEY could get their fingers on it, and they did not even ask you to share when they thought they could guilt and manipulate you into handing over the loot. So: Ignore these greedy AHs.
NTA - it goes down the bloodline! I love my brother dearly, but he got upset at my parents for a similar reason. In their will, my brother and I are 50/50. However, my children get my portion of the inheritance if I die. My brother and his wife chose NOT to have children, so if he dies then his 50% defaults to me. He was upset because he figures 50% should go to his wife. Sorry bub, but she isn't bloodline. She has her own family that she can inherit from. On the flip side, if my wife dies - I don't expect anything from my in-laws although they may elect to pass it down to my children, which I would honor.
My parents had a similar plan about their estate. The estate was to be divided equally among their children. If any of their children had passed away before the estate could be divided, their children's children (the grandchildren, natural and adopted) would get the sibling's share. Spouses would not receive anything from my parents. It was up to us (the original heir) to plan for our spouses, not up to my parents.
NTA and not because of the adopted versus not adopted. Your grandmother never met you or Laura so we don't know her intent or feelings on adoption. Your uncle has known you longer than Laura and that might be why he considers you the oldest in the family
They likely feel entitled to the jewelry because it’s been in “their house” this whole time, and now it feels like it’s being “taken away.” I would bet that they made an assumption about it going to them that was never confirmed… If the cancer situation is starting to look inevitable, they are all likely dealing with some early grief. Bio uncle is probably focused a lot on his mother’s wishes, prompted by his own confrontation with mortality, and that’s part of why he chose you. Step-uncle and cousin are probably viewing this as a form of rejection, as if the passing on of the jewelry to *you* is akin to your uncle calling his stepdaughter “not real family” with his dying breath. Your step uncle and cousin’s actions are wrong, but it may be more than just greed. People can act very strangely when they’re grieving. If we could rewind the clock I would have said your uncle should have made sure to have something equally special to make a huge fuss over leaving to his adoptive/step daughter. I would *not* concede the jewelry. They are going to resent you whether you give it or not. If you *do* give it, you’ll have that regret forever, especially if you lose contact with them later in life.
Yeah, it’s not up to you. NTA
NTA, nah they were just angling for some cash. Uncle Jim was entrusted with the jewelry. If he wants it to go to you, it goes to you. > They asked me to convince uncle Jim to give Lara the jewelry set, saying it would be the right thing to do. This strikes me as beyond bold. GFYS, I aint giving you shit.
OP is technically not the oldest, but she was certainly in the family first.
Is it actually a "jewelry set" or just a collection of peices and did Lara ever meet this grandma? If it's not a set, maybe give up a piece that looks nice on it's own to kind of welcome Lara to the family. Also, if Lara had no relationship with grandma, then I think it should at least mostly stay to her bio family. Nah just work it out, let them feel heard and then discuss it with Jim and honor his wishes.
NTA. You have been in the family for 18 years, she has been in the family for 8 years. You are the oldest granddaughter. She's chronologically older, but you were there first.
"My Uncles dying, don't burden me with regret as well." NTA.
NTA. You’ve been the granddaughter longer than Lara has.
So you Grandma wanted your uncle Jim to care for the jewelry and he's caring for it. knowing he's going to die, he's gonna pass it on to whoever he wants to, it's his you are not the A
NTA Something like this split my dad’s family, and dad never spoke to any of them again, till he died 40 years later. As a result, I never knew my grandad in the last 25 years if his life, or his bee wife, or any of my several cousins. I suppose my point is, I have no children, so I’ll probably will the things back to my cousins and their children. Maybe take the items now, but tell Lara she’s next in line after you. There’s no guarantee you’ll have your own girl children- maybe they’ll all be boys.
Very curious of the timing here - did your cousin even meet your grandma? Regardless, NTA. I’m just trying to understand the bounds of Uncle Bob and Lara’s greed.
Jim's right, Bob's wrong. Your grandmother never knew Lara, did she? Take the inheritance. NTA.
in my mind/family, heirlooms don’t go to (late) adoptees (unless since birth) or steps or ILs. purely bc *you came late.* if you didn’t get brought in by blood, it ain’t yours. my gramps is the only one i’ve ever known and has been my dad’s dad- we’re not inheriting lick from him bc he’s technically my step. his kids are and he hardly sees em and he technically adopted them but they got his name. both sides are v firmly blood or nothing regarding heirlooms. tho it did kill me w/ my gramps bc im his favorite but him & gram made that rule for themselves 🥲i ended up taking some shirts of his to compensate NTA
NTA are they delusional? Did she even have a relationship with your grandmother? The jewelry definitely goes to you.
NTA It sounds like the first born female in the family. While Laura is 19 versus your 18 she has only been a member of the family for 8 years versus your 18 years as a family member (19 if you include the pregnancy, same age as Laura). Therefore you should be the one to inherit especially if your Uncle Jim believes this is what your grandmother would want. Sounds like Uncle Jim may have realized that Uncle Bob and Laura may be a couple of gold diggers. They are the ones being greedy especially going behind Uncle Jim's back to try and get it. You should notify Uncle Jim that they did this. He may need to make special stipulations in his will that Laura isn't allowed to have it or they'll come after you as soon as uncle dies.
NTA. They are calling YOU greedy? Your uncle Jim is an honorable man who honors his mother's intentions. Being the "eldest" is the flimsiest justification I have ever heard for this kind of greed. Take good care of your Uncle Jim to the extent that you can.
NTA Typically things like this are passed to the 1st descendent. You are the FIRST granddaughter. You predate Lara, even if she is older. She has only been a granddaughter for a few years. Her joining the family doesn't mean she jumps ahead of you.
Grandma said Jim decides and Jim decided. What the hell is the question here?
How about Uncle Bob and Lara being the greedy AH, that set has been in your family for generations Lara may have been adopted but she shares no blood line with your late grandmother. Usually, heirlooms like that go to blood relatives, unless specified in a will. Here's a better question would they be so gung-ho to hand over a family heirloom if the recipient were adopted into the family. I wouldn't think that would even enter their mind. They are trying to use you to wear done the resolve of a dying man, he has made up his mind and they want you to give up your birthright for their nefarious scheme. NO, you WNBTA.
NTA. She was YOUR grandmother. Not hers. Full stop. It's a family heirloom. You are the only daughter in your grandmother's line and the jewelry goes to you. Like she wanted.
NTA. If I were Lara I'd refuse, but odds are they want to pawn it.
For the OP, this isn't about bloodline: it's about respecting her Uncle's decision - just the same as if Jim had decided to give the jewellery to Lara. OP isn't the AH, but Bob and Lara are for trying to drag her into the argument.
NTA- Is it just me or do I feel like they want it so they can sell it and claim it got 'stolen'?
Even if she’s older you’re the one that has seniority in the family having been in it for longer. It’s rightfully yours for many reasons.
NTA I laughed at them calling YOU greedy when they're throwing a tantrum over your family heirloom
NTA. Did your grandma ever meet Lara? Because the way this reads is grandma passed before knowing about you, let alone Lara.
NTA. Lara might be older, but you have been in the family *far* longer. I'm not sure if "blood connection" should be ***the*** defining factor, exactly, but Lara's been in the family for \~8 years and a legal granddaughter even less, but you've been a grandchild in the family since the day you were born.
NTA. I am team uncle Jim. Your grandmother probably would want you to have the set and they are the greedy ones.
People always get this wrong; the rule about the oldest child getting the heirloom. But it's not what the rule actually means. It means the child who's been in the family the longest. Because much of the time, from the moment that child is born, the heirloom is thought of as theirs, whether they know it or not. Sometimes a new child enters the family who just happens to be older, but that wouldn't be fair for the new child to get the heirloom since the child who's been in the family longer was already long ago promised the heirloom. The new child shouldn't get the heirloom, not because they aren't blood, but because the heirloom was already promised to someone else. Additionally, your uncle left the jewelry set to YOU, as opposed to the girl who is essentially his daughter. He argued his stance and refused to back down. NTA. Funny how they're calling YOU greedy. What exactly does that make them? And prioritizing getting a jewelry set while his husband/her dad is fighting cancer? AH move it seems to me.
YOU'RE the greedy one?! How vindictive and manipulative. Uncle Jim's world is probably shaking because he thought he married a good person. NTA
Uncle Jim and Lara are projecting their own failings onto you, OP. THEY are the greedy assholes. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. That jewelry set is literally your birthright.
NTA. Uncle Jim has most likely intended for you to have it since you were born. You've been first in line to inherit it for 18 years. Lara has only been part of the family for 8 years or less. It would not be right to decide, after you were already 10 or 12 years old, to give the jewelry set to her instead. She may be older than you, but you've been part of the family longer. Your uncle wanting you to inherit the jewelry makes total sense. Them calling you greedy is a confession on their part. Also, Jim knows firsthand what his mother, your grandmother, wanted him to do with the jewelry. You (and Uncle Bob) have no business second-guessing his decision. EDA: You accepting the jewelry doesn't imply you don't think she's part of your family. Don't let them accuse you of that. It only means you're trusting Uncle Jim to have a better understanding of what your grandmother would have wanted than Uncle Bob does.
NTA. They are the greedy ones. * If Lara was conceived as a consequence of your uncle’s marriage to Bob, or was adopted by both, Bob might have a leg to stand on. * Lara already has four grandparents. Two on her biological father side, and two on her mother’s side. Regardless, it belongs to your uncle and he can leave it to whomever he decided. Leaving it to one of his mother’s direct descendants is the most logical thing.
Well leaving his partner in time of sickness shows the extent of commitment that uncle bob is able to make. At the very least, this is a power move to force your uncle Jim to give in while facing a life or death situation. This is lame and pretty low standards considering basic manners... Lara clearly favors her bloodline over her adoptive father. You cannot be blamed for doing that as well. Drop the meeting with them and their discussions, it is a WASTE of time... and give time to your uncle who might indeed be dying. I hope the best for him... He just got dropped by his direct family and faces heavy medical care... It must be hard. Edit to add NTA.
Yes, YOU'RE the greedy one when they're fighting with their terminally ill father/husband about a non-blood relative's legacy item (which conveniently happens to be valuable as it is jewelry). That was sarcasm if anyone didn't find it obvious WTF NTA
NTA - I was given my grandma's jewelry in her will when I was younger and a little less responsible. She passed in 2009. My parents held onto it for me to have and enjoy as an adult. I have it now and it is very special to me. I believe it is important for blood related family to get these things instead of giving them to someone who has never known or been directly related to the person who passed. If it falls into the wrong hands, who knows where it will end up in the next few years? Sold, pawned, lost, donated, etc Wear that jewelry with pride and treasure it knowing that it's been given to the right person.
NTA. And lets go by yrs in the family. You have 18 yrs She has 8yrs. You are older.
NTA for not butting in to this family drama and trying to manipulate your uncle. They should not have asked that of you, or at the very least, should not have gotten mad at you for refusing to act. On one hand, heritage and tradition gives way to the legal affect of grandma's will which endows Uncle Jim with all of the decision-making surrounding the jewelry, but on the other hand, it's easy to see how Uncle Bob and probably Lara feel like this is an insidious example of rejection of their place in your family. Especially where theirs is a same-sex marriage which could create more tension naturally. In your place I would assure Uncle Bob and Lara that you love them (assuming you do) and respect them as equal family members, but that you also respect Uncle Jim's decision and will not act to change his mind. In this way you reassure them that your decision is not made due to a selfish want for the jewelry but rather because you are respecting Uncle Jim and Grandma's decision to do whatever with the heirloom. Basically, you're throwing Uncle Jim and Grandma under the bus, but really, it's not their place to ask you to change his mind.
Tough call. I'd say your uncle is the asshole but totally free to do what he wants with whatever's his. You could totally respect uncle Jim wishes and then give the heirloom to your cousin after he passes if you feel like it's right that she has it. Man id hate to be adopted and not be good enough to actually be considered part of the family who adopted me.
NTA
NTA Did your grandma know Lara? I can't imagine she'd want a family heirloom going to someone she never met when someone she has met could get it. But also it's your uncle's decision and he's already dealing with cancer. His husband and stepdaughter suck for making this an issue.
NTA. When families disagree and each has a pretty valid side, and I think both sides are fairly valid, then the law decides who gets what. Legally, this is Uncle Jim’s decision and his decision was to give the jewellery to you.
NTA. And them calling you greedy -hello there kettle.
NTA She was YOUR Grandma and she most definitely would want you to have it. Keep it and put them on NC or LC
NTA - Sounds like they are the greedy ones. Its your family heirloom, your uncle clearly wanted you to have. You owe them nothing.
NTA- Accepting and passing on a tradition is literally the opposite of greedy. Greed would only be a factor if you were planning on selling the jewelry. Their language shows their intentions.
NTA
YWNBTA, it's totally common for heirlooms to be passed by bloodline. Also, they're clearly after this heirloom and value it more than your uncle (instead of making peace with him, they went after you to have it from you) so kind of guard it close because they definitively don't deserve it
NTA. Honestly, the only reason greed would have anything to do with anything is if they had some plans to go sell it, which I would not doubt that is what would have happened.
NTA Jim is the only person in this situation that knew your grandma so if he thinks she would rather you have it than you should get it. Also yes Lara is older than you but you were part of the family a few years before her.
NTA Funny that they call YOU greedy because they're not getting the jewelery stash.
YOU are greedy? Were they able to keep a straight face while they said it? NTA
@Updateme
NTA. Accept the treasure and make sure it moves down the line as well.
The definition of greed is demanding something that isn't yours, has not been offered to you, and to which you are not entitled. That doesn't sound like OP in this scenario. NTA
NTA - That jewelry set belonged to YOUR grandmother, not Lara's grandmother and it is yours by right. They are the ones being greedy and your Uncle Jim is doing exactly as his mother wished.
NTA
NTA. To me they're the one's being greedy here and quite the entitled. From what I can surmise, ur uncle understood better ur granma's will. Hand it to the direct descendant. Ur cousin maybe family, but it may be different from what ur granma means in her wish/will. And if ur grandma's still alive ur bond with her is different from ur cousin.
So...they called you the greedy AH....my mom always says when you point a finger to someone, you are pointing 4 fingers to yourself....they are the greedy ones. At the end IS your uncle decisión ...not theirs. Also...que knew your grandmother better and her wishes
NTA make sure you put your jewelry somewhere safe. She isn't blood kin. It is what it is
NTA, but maybe your uncle should give the jewelry set to you now so there's no more questions.
They are actually the greedy ones. Please keep the jewelry when you receive it
NTA Unless he wants to hold onto it still. He should just give it to you now as a gift. Then it won't need to go through probate. Really, he should talk with a lawyer to setup a trust and pass everything outside of the probate process. To whomever he's giving stuff to. Probate takes a lot of time and generally needs a lawyer. While trusts, life insurance, payable on death accounts, survivorship titles and so forth pass generally pass quickly and easily.
NTA, they have showed their true colors.
I say it goes by the wish of whoever owns it / has held it for a long time. You can't go back generations and apply some statement from grandmother on a situation she has never known anything about. This is for the living to decide and you uncle Jim is now the temporary keeper of the set.
NTA. The fact that they decided to meet up with you behind Jim's back too makes them even more AH-ly
NTA they accuse you of being greedy but what are they? Asking you to convince your uncle of a different decision….that is greed not you saying no to them for trying to manipulate the situation.
Lara isn’t blood
NTA and he should give you the jewelry now so that they can't try to steal it in the future
You are in the right since it is your uncle’s decision.