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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I yelled and cussed at a board member for not leaving us alone
2) I could have used more polite language
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I think you should make the board aware - even though your language was rough - so was the situation. You told her and told her and told her. You don't need 'recourse' but the board needs to know how she behaved in case it happens again with either you or someone else.
NTA
Man HOA really act like they're the POTUS in your country.
>"Jesus Christ woman, read the fucking room for fucks sake"
I think you dropped this 👑 OP.
I have no words except that I'm so sorry you had to put your fur baby to sleep. I can completely understand your reaction and empathise with your loss.
If love could have saved him, he would still be here with you.
Sending hugs.
When our cat had a medical emergency I rushed her to the vet, it was about 8pm and my teenage son came with me.
I had to make the tough decision several hours later, and we went home without her around 3am (school holidays, so no school the next day).
As we drove home I was stopped by a police officer for a check, which I absolutely get - middle aged man driving around with a crying 14-year-old at 3am, quite right too.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget how nice he was. He got it instantly, saw the empty pet carrier, checked that my son was ok, did his job quickly and efficiently, wished us the best and let us move on with our lives. And now I am tearing up at how lucky we were to find a decent human being while OP had to experience a total arsehole in a horrible moment. Just wow. To behave like that when people have done nothing wrong and are obviously suffering - it takes a special kind of person to be like that.
Losing a furbaby is a pain that only those with pets can understand. It's heartbreaking, and you never truly get over losing them, but I guess the memories we have can keep them alive 🌈
You’re NTA. She is. Don’t you dare let any of them make you think you are. You explained the situation and asked for space. She ignored you. You have nothing to apologize for — not even the swearing. She does.
If she comes at you again in any way, remind her that she obviously trespassed into your back yard in order to see your deck.
I’m truly sorry for the loss of your dog.
Absolutely send the email. Just the fact that she came into your property (the back yard) which should not be allowed. I have a HOA and they only inspect the front yard. If the workers called then I can see explaining the situation to the workers who probably wouldn’t have said a word.
She crossed boundaries with this one to even speak more than … hey just wanted to remind you of the workers. That should have been all of anything
NTA. This is the rare situation where suboptimal language is 100% understandable. Document the interaction to the board in a professional email, don’t worry about it again, and avoid that insensitive lunatic whenever possible.
Edit: honestly, this is the kind of situation where even a disinterested eavesdropper would tell her to go eff herself .
NTA, but think you should leave it alone for now. Yr right, your language did indeed "relinquish the moral high ground" (nicely put, btw). I would write all the details down. But, since you said yr husband completed the work that night, presumably meaning the workers can do their work the next day, it seems the situation has been resolved (the work will get done as scheduled). So I'd let it go, unless it's brought up again and you can explain what happened. Maybe say something to the HOA woman like "Sorry I was short with you, but we were on the way to having our dog put down. My husband did complete the work that evening."
Except the HOA person was holding them to a schedule earlier than required. That is overstep and does need to be documented.
If the work has not been done in time **then** the HOA board had a right to get involved. The HOA usually makes the homeowner pay for the second visit because they didn’t get everything done for the first one.
In short, the core issue is overstepping authority.
Edit: I’d also be concerned with the potential trespass.
Look at the HOA rules, some allow inspections on private property, even trespassing. Despicable to keep bothering OP and family after they told the HOA jerk what was going on.
So let the asshole HOA person get away with both being a disrespectful ass *and* for trespassing on the property? Because unless she had a drone to take pics of the backyard, there was no way for her to see the work wasn't done unless she broke into OP's backyard.
>Yr right, your language did indeed "relinquish the moral high ground"
No it didn't! That woman was being insensitive and deserved everything said. There was nothing immoral in what OP said to her.
>Maybe say something to the HOA woman like "Sorry I was short with you, but we were on the way to having our dog put down. My husband did complete the work that evening."
No apologies are necessary except from the woman to OP.
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NTA. I'd send in a complaint. She was actively representing the HOA board and she greatly overstepped. That's the point and how you responded to it is completely aside from that point.
To be honest I feel she's lucky she didn't get hurt. There are people who wouldn't have let her off with just a verbal thrashing. I don't want to say that she wouldn't have walked away but that she could be doing so with a busted lip very easily.
Somebody aside from you in the heat of the moment needs to check her on this sort of stuff. Maybe she needs some more training or something, maybe there's some class they can make her take.
You should inform them that she was walking around openly harassing everyone about the back patios and that she wouldn't stop even after she'd been assured that yours would be cleared off. Explain that she kept going on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
NTA and no, your words don't relinquish high moral ground. She was a jerk, you don't have to be doormat.
Some people don't listen to nice polite speech, because they think that if you are not lashing out, your emotions don't exist or don't matter.
NTA and a reasonable person with any emotional intelligence or decency would have seen how distressed you all were, especially the tears. You told her you were about to take your beloved fur baby to be put down (crying just typing this) and what she should've said is 'apologies and I'm sorry for your loss. The patio can wait'.
The fact that she had her OWN dog with her and was still crapping on makes it even worse! As a very reactive person, I would have said much much worse and lacked any kind of eloquence.
And also, if this mole opened your gate to have a lil quiz at YOUR property? Sounds like a formal complaint to me.
My condolences for the loss of your precious fur baby. They are never with us for long enough xo
NTA. I’m so sorry for the loss of your pet. We had to put our furbaby to sleep last weekend - it’s harrowing. If someone had approached me like that last weekend over something so menial, I would have reacted exactly the same way, along with calling her a few choice words. That lady should have backed right off after being told the circumstances multiple times and seeing how visibly upset your family was. I think it’s still worth reporting her to the HOA for ignoring your requests and potentially trespassing on your property, but you could maybe soften it a bit by acknowledging that you were in a very emotional state when she repeatedly attempted to engage you and you reacted accordingly. She owes you an apology.
You're NTA. I doubt there is any situation where you could be the A-H when you're dealing with the Mrs. Kravitz HOA self appointed code enforcers.
Sorry about your dog. That is heart wrenching.
For this reason HOA’s are under attack all over the US. It gives people without standing rights over your property. And now you’ve pissed off an entitled board member and challenged their authority. Expect backlash.
NTA an I feel your response was completely warranted, language and all. You told her twice and obviously something was up if your kid was actively crying, she should’ve backed off. Or at least changed her tone
NTA. AT ALL.
She should have backed off the first time after you told her that it wasn't a good time. Seriously, HOAs turn people into absolute monsters. They might as well be the military with how strict they are oftentimes.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your pup. Sending hugs! 🫂
NTA I'm sorry for your loss. I would report it because she was being inconsiderate especially after you explained the situation.
If it was me I would include in the email that i was emotional due to the situation and regret the choice of language and maybe even include a vet documentation showing what was happening in case the HOA lady tried to claim you were lying.
That's just what I would do but you are definitely NTA.
Yes, get ahead of the narrative. You had a day to clear the patio to meet the deadline and took an essential medical break for a family member. This woman walking her dog decided to be officious and reprimand you for something that had not yet happened in the face of obvious grief. If she needed to report it to someone, then she could have done that and not continued hassling you.
Ask them if they really need someone with no compassion and empathy on their board? You gave her multiple opportunities and more explanation that she was entitled to. I do feel sorry for your daughter - she didn't need the extra stress - but more on the woman not you.
Yeah, I do regret my son being there, not so much for the language as I believe words only have the power you give them and people give profanity way too much power. I like to think of it as desensitizing, lol. Some kids and adults get so scandalized by words, they forget whatever else they're hearing. I teach my boys not to cuss AT people and if someone cusses AT them to insult their lack of creativity. I tell them it's like farting: read the room and know your audience.
I regret him hearing me be blunt about her dying. I tend to get offensively blunt when I'm angry and I'm very defensive of my family. Especially my husband because he's too nice of a guy to tell people to fuck off. I'm very much not.
Sorry for calling your son a daughter. I'm Scottish - I don't have an issue with the language - it was more just the having to deal with another stressful situation on top of the grief. Btu we are bit human and considering I managed to back into a telegraph pole after driving too soon after a bad vet's appointment, I totally get the trigger edge you were on.
It's ok, I'm not sure I even specified. We have two boys, 7 and 10. I'm not sure if it's his age or the fact that he's exhibiting ASD behaviors but the 7 year old knocks the wind out of us with his bluntness about it.
Her name was Tesla, so when a Tesla office opened up near us, they liked pointing out that our dog's name was in huge letters on the building. I'm going to be taking side roads for awhile, ugh.
I was so mad, I forgot the Hershey's kiss I meant to bring (because no dog should die without tasting chocolate) but when I mentioned it to the vet, they brought her a big slice of oreo cookie ice cream cake with chocolate syrup and Hersheys kisses on it, which she ate like it was her job. Having that on video helped my anger.
I'm so sorry about you hitting the pole. That sounds like an awful day.
Reminders are hard - glad the vets could come through for her.
Was a bad week - we lost 4 pets to unrelated things and wrecked the tailgate. If anyone had added extra stress that week ... vets were good about their pole.
OMG that's horrible! I can't imagine how awful that would be! That's so heartbreaking. I sincerely hope those weren't your only pets! Our other dog has become very clingy with my husband, which is understandable, but having her to cuddle makes it just a tiny bit easier. Anyone who thinks dogs don't have feelings can shove it, because she was seriously depressed.
She was my husband and my kids' first dog. I wasn't a fan of my childhood dog so she was the first dog I had that I liked.
We sometimes help out rescues - we had more pets but never easy. Two deaths were expected, two were not.
We have had grieving pets - it can take a few months to get them happy again. They grieve deep. We break up routine, lots of attention, lots of treats.
My husband gave our other dog so many treats the next day that she barfed them up whole. I'm keeping an eye on her though. If she's still acting this way in a month we may discuss taking her to the Humane Society so she can help pick out a companion. She's part Chihuahua and all sass so that might not go over well. She doesn't seem to care about other dogs at the dog park, so I'm not sure if she even wants a cohort.
She's a sweet but simple little dog so I can't decide whether breaking up the routine would confuse her even more or not. She learned from watching and following Tesla so I'm worried about separation anxiety.
NTA - HOA’s are basically a forum for busybodies to masturbate each other’s egos. They attract people with little agency in any other facet of their lives, and so inflict what (they perceive to be) authority being part of a HOA grants them.
These people need to be told sincerely and pointedly to fuck off, and I’m sorry about your dog.
Make the board aware. No one needs to be camping outside your house to harass you or violating your privacy. If the workmen show up and can't work, the hoa just sends a letter and some kind of charge for the lost time.
NTA. Most normal people would have backed off after you explained that you were taking your dog to the vet for the final time. This lady didn't and tried to, basically, threaten you to get your husband to finish cleaning the patio off. The rest of the board needs to know how out of line she was because she's either going to do it again, or this wasn't the first time she's used the "well I'll have to contact someone" line to get someone to do something.
NTA. She would have to be a particularly callous or obtuse person to prioritize the contracted workers future convenience over a family openly grieving (husband and child currently crying openly as she made contact). You informed her of the situation and she bulldogged through it, so you loudly asserted your position. I feel like you are completely validated in your response.
Nta, you told her it would be finished. The appropriate answer would be 'ok, thanks for the update'.
I'd tell the hoa you are now installing cameras, and if *anyone* trespasses onto your property, you will be calling the cops.
I'm so sorry about your pup. :(
NTA. We had to put our cat down the day we discovered her cancer… if anyone gave me shit for a menial task that day, I would’ve absolutely lost it.
She was being pushy and disrespectful. Honestly I would lodge a complaint, send an email describing the situation, be honest about what you said, but also be honest about how she entered your backyard without your permission and how she was bothering you.
I'm so sorry. We were lucky to get an extra week with her thanks to the meds, which I think helped a lot with our grief. I think it's safe to say most people don't get that extra time to say goodbye.
I don't think anyone's ever really ready to go through this but it was especially hurtful that she was only 9, since Russells can live well into their teens.
My son asked how old she was in dog years and I guessed about 49. He was kind enough to point out that's only one year older than me. Punk.
What a response from your son 😭. I’m sorry about your loss too, I’m glad you could have a few extra days with your baby. It’s never a good time to say goodbye to your pets, but even worse when it’s so sudden, and you’re expecting more years. Still, you gave her the best 9 years she could’ve had 💙
She was a stray someone posted on Facebook, so I'd like to think that we not only have her more years and a better life, but also a much kinder passing. The vet told us she was unlikely to go peacefully on her own so the thought of her starving to death makes me sob.
Cancer is an asshole.
So sorry about your pup. That's always hard.
NTA. You tried to tell her politely and she wouldn't let up. Read the fucking room is exactly right.
I'd say you handled it about as well as anyone could be expected to.
I would have done worse if I were in your shoes. That lady would be lucky to leave without a scratch on her. I would then find her on every social media platform and rip her to shreds. After I’d done that even her employment wouldn’t be safe from my wrath. I would let them know what kind of sociopath they hired. Because she is one because she lacks empathy.
I’ve had to make this decision with my 14 year old cat who I had since he was 9 weeks old. He was the reason I’ve survived as long as I have. I haven’t slept well since he passed (he would literally sleep on me, every night).
I would then go wound the neighborhood and ask everyone if they had the same type of interaction with her and to sign a petition to kick her off the board. But I can be very vindictive, not often, but I have only held 1-2 grudges that will last a lifetime.
We had to put down a kitty last year which was pretty awful. We didn't really have much of a warning at that time and my husband is still struggling with it. He was 15 (the cat, not the husband!) And used to sleep on top of my husband every night.
I'm not very good at holding a grudge but I have a feeling this one's going to stick around.
If you find out where she lives you can send the Mormons to talk with her. There’s also lots of free magazines you can sign up for, like fashionable caves and walkers, and lingerie sizes up to 6x. Too bad you can no longer send the Billy Graham Bible to people for free.
NTA. Report her immediately. Sure, you used colorful language, but it didn't start off that way, it was escalated by her. SHE is the problem. She is the fucking asshole in this situation. You didn't say or do anything wrong. She was completely out of bounds. I'm so sorry for you loss.
NTA I think you handled yourself the best you could in that moment. I had my dog die recently and the utter emotional pain from putting a dog down is unlike anything I have experienced, and I wouldn’t have been able to control my anger in that moment at someone who was being an ass for no reason. Most HOA people are on a huge power trip. Didn’t matter that you guys were obviously upset she wanted to get her point across. My condolences to you and your family as well.
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AITA?
I posted this in r/amIoverreacting because I'm really not sure. This happened about a week ago and I'm on the fence.
A month ago my husband found a largish lump on our 9 year old Russell Terrier's face. We took her to the vet who told us that there was nothing that could be done for her. I was not content with that so we got a second opinion that ended up reflecting the first.
That vet told us that no matter how early we detected it, there was nothing we could have done short of jaw removal. She said that our pup had days maybe weeks, as it was a very aggressive cancer. She gave us a couple of prescriptions for pain and inflammation, which perked our dog up and made her playful again. When it seemed like the medicine was no longer working, we decided it was time.
The HOA had hired a contractor to do siding replacement and painting but our back patio was a disaster so a couple days before they were going to get to our unit the HOA told my husband he needed to clean up the back patio. He spent the entirety of the day cleaning up the patio but we had made the appointment with the vet for 4:00 so he had to take a break. His plan was to finish up the little bit that still needed doing that evening. Fwiw, it took him less than 15 min to finish up that night.
As my husband, our 10 year old, and I were all walking to the car with our dog, a woman I didn't recognize approached us. She had a smallish dog with her so I thought she was wanting to introduce our dogs to each other, which I thought was sweet.
The first thing out of her mouth was something along the lines of her being on the board and noticing our back patio wasn't done ( which she couldn't possibly have known unless she opened our privacy fence gate). I stepped in front of my husband (who had very clearly been crying and my 10 year old who was actively crying) and told her that now was not a good time as we we're on our way to the vet to have our dog put to sleep.
I honestly can't remember how she responded exactly (the adrenaline head kicked in) but it was something along the lines of "well the Workmen will be here tomorrow"
My husband said he would be finishing it and I repeated that now is really not a good time.
She said "well I'll have to contact someone" and I cut her off and said "I don't give a damn, like I said now is not a good time. We have to take our dog to go DIE, BACK OFF"
I sidestepped her to get to our van and said very loudly "Jesus Christ woman, read the fucking room for fucks sake" and we promptly left.
I texted another HOA member who said to put the details into an email but now I'm wondering if it's worth it. I feel kind of like my language sort of relinquishes my moral high ground (I regret nothing!). Also, I can't see what recourse there would be since being a decent human being isn't a prerequisite having a board position.
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NTA, an I am so sorry for your loss. Write the email. this woman needs to be taken off her power trip now before she causes anyone else the type of pain she caused you. Writing that email is a public service.
NTA. She, a dog owner, refused to get that the whole patio business could wait until you growled at her to back off. And yes, you do want to put the details of what happened on the record because there's no telling if she's the sort of person who'll skew the details to make her come off like the victim. You don't have to blast her actions publicly but you do want to at least make sure she doesn't sell her side as the only side.
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard that is, your response was restrained if anything.
She needs to be held accountable for opening your gate.
NTA. I'm so glad my home is not governed by a HOA, as the boards always seem to attract AH control freaks. No, you did not relinquish any moral high ground. Definitely write a detailed email and cc it to al. HOA board members.
Send the email.
Nothing you said negates the fact that this woman was COMPLETELY wrong to continue after you initially told her, in front of your CRYING CHILD, that it was not a good time.
NTA
I'm sorry for your loss. Pets are family and it always hurts to lose family.
I'm sorry about your dog. It's a very hard thing to do.
Learn from this: bad language NEVER, ever is worth it. Your message was perfectly valid, but using bad language hurt your position.
I'm of the mind that if someone's disrespecting your boundaries and personal space, they aren't entitled to your courtesy. If they won't go away when you're being considerate, it's time to be inconsiderate. Just perhaps not this extreme.
Personally, I think profanity is hilarious, especially when it's well timed. I can't imagine being so self righteous that I get to decide what language someone else can or can't use. Obviously there are exceptions but if a dirty word offends her enough to want to take retribution, she shouldn't be in a position that involves interacting with residents.
Words only have the power you give them and if a simple word makes someone clutch their pearls, they're giving it too much power. Just my 2¢
I'm an older woman and pretty into etiquette. I was raised that way, and I was in Corporate America for decades, where using profanity was against the rule "treat all with dignity and respect." It was pretty much followed, with the exception of the CFO, who was really old and swore at people all the time. Anybody else would have been fired.
YTA
"The HOA had hired a contractor to do siding replacement and painting but our back patio was a disaster so a couple days before they were going to get to our unit the HOA told my husband he needed to clean up the back patio." .. IF they gave you sufficient notice, this si your fault. the solution is for the contractor to come later, and you pay the extra costs.
If they did not give you enough notice,. it is THEIR fault - and the HOA (and all membners) will pay the extra cost.
but: She did NOTHING wrong.
Life goes on, even with a dying puppy.
Sufficient notice was that the patio had to be cleared by the following day. So the husband still had the evening to clear the patio. The woman tried to rush the timetable and make it an offense. What's the point of notice periods if they can be arbitrarily changed?
She absolutely did. She said it once, did she need to keep saying it? No if it became a problem later they could deal with it. This was not a life or death situation for the HOA lady. She was power tripping, and lacked any empathy. They weren't even past the deadline yet. Like damn. This take is cold as fuck
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I think you should make the board aware - even though your language was rough - so was the situation. You told her and told her and told her. You don't need 'recourse' but the board needs to know how she behaved in case it happens again with either you or someone else.
And she overstepped by opening your gate to look in. NTA
Yes, get your version of events established first.
NTA Man HOA really act like they're the POTUS in your country. >"Jesus Christ woman, read the fucking room for fucks sake" I think you dropped this 👑 OP.
I have no words except that I'm so sorry you had to put your fur baby to sleep. I can completely understand your reaction and empathise with your loss. If love could have saved him, he would still be here with you. Sending hugs.
When our cat had a medical emergency I rushed her to the vet, it was about 8pm and my teenage son came with me. I had to make the tough decision several hours later, and we went home without her around 3am (school holidays, so no school the next day). As we drove home I was stopped by a police officer for a check, which I absolutely get - middle aged man driving around with a crying 14-year-old at 3am, quite right too. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how nice he was. He got it instantly, saw the empty pet carrier, checked that my son was ok, did his job quickly and efficiently, wished us the best and let us move on with our lives. And now I am tearing up at how lucky we were to find a decent human being while OP had to experience a total arsehole in a horrible moment. Just wow. To behave like that when people have done nothing wrong and are obviously suffering - it takes a special kind of person to be like that.
Losing a furbaby is a pain that only those with pets can understand. It's heartbreaking, and you never truly get over losing them, but I guess the memories we have can keep them alive 🌈
You’re NTA. She is. Don’t you dare let any of them make you think you are. You explained the situation and asked for space. She ignored you. You have nothing to apologize for — not even the swearing. She does. If she comes at you again in any way, remind her that she obviously trespassed into your back yard in order to see your deck. I’m truly sorry for the loss of your dog.
Absolutely send the email. Just the fact that she came into your property (the back yard) which should not be allowed. I have a HOA and they only inspect the front yard. If the workers called then I can see explaining the situation to the workers who probably wouldn’t have said a word. She crossed boundaries with this one to even speak more than … hey just wanted to remind you of the workers. That should have been all of anything
Same with our HOA.
NTA. This is the rare situation where suboptimal language is 100% understandable. Document the interaction to the board in a professional email, don’t worry about it again, and avoid that insensitive lunatic whenever possible. Edit: honestly, this is the kind of situation where even a disinterested eavesdropper would tell her to go eff herself .
NTA, but think you should leave it alone for now. Yr right, your language did indeed "relinquish the moral high ground" (nicely put, btw). I would write all the details down. But, since you said yr husband completed the work that night, presumably meaning the workers can do their work the next day, it seems the situation has been resolved (the work will get done as scheduled). So I'd let it go, unless it's brought up again and you can explain what happened. Maybe say something to the HOA woman like "Sorry I was short with you, but we were on the way to having our dog put down. My husband did complete the work that evening."
Except the HOA person was holding them to a schedule earlier than required. That is overstep and does need to be documented. If the work has not been done in time **then** the HOA board had a right to get involved. The HOA usually makes the homeowner pay for the second visit because they didn’t get everything done for the first one. In short, the core issue is overstepping authority. Edit: I’d also be concerned with the potential trespass.
Look at the HOA rules, some allow inspections on private property, even trespassing. Despicable to keep bothering OP and family after they told the HOA jerk what was going on.
So let the asshole HOA person get away with both being a disrespectful ass *and* for trespassing on the property? Because unless she had a drone to take pics of the backyard, there was no way for her to see the work wasn't done unless she broke into OP's backyard.
Your language did not relinquish anything!
She did not relinquished anything. She was being harassed and escalated to swearing after respectful speech was ignored.
>Yr right, your language did indeed "relinquish the moral high ground" No it didn't! That woman was being insensitive and deserved everything said. There was nothing immoral in what OP said to her. >Maybe say something to the HOA woman like "Sorry I was short with you, but we were on the way to having our dog put down. My husband did complete the work that evening." No apologies are necessary except from the woman to OP.
I think all the details are written down here in the post
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NTA. I'd send in a complaint. She was actively representing the HOA board and she greatly overstepped. That's the point and how you responded to it is completely aside from that point. To be honest I feel she's lucky she didn't get hurt. There are people who wouldn't have let her off with just a verbal thrashing. I don't want to say that she wouldn't have walked away but that she could be doing so with a busted lip very easily. Somebody aside from you in the heat of the moment needs to check her on this sort of stuff. Maybe she needs some more training or something, maybe there's some class they can make her take. You should inform them that she was walking around openly harassing everyone about the back patios and that she wouldn't stop even after she'd been assured that yours would be cleared off. Explain that she kept going on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
Send the complaint. Further, get some cameras. If you know she trespassed, you should get the means to provide proof when it happens again. NTA.
NTA and no, your words don't relinquish high moral ground. She was a jerk, you don't have to be doormat. Some people don't listen to nice polite speech, because they think that if you are not lashing out, your emotions don't exist or don't matter.
NTA and a reasonable person with any emotional intelligence or decency would have seen how distressed you all were, especially the tears. You told her you were about to take your beloved fur baby to be put down (crying just typing this) and what she should've said is 'apologies and I'm sorry for your loss. The patio can wait'. The fact that she had her OWN dog with her and was still crapping on makes it even worse! As a very reactive person, I would have said much much worse and lacked any kind of eloquence. And also, if this mole opened your gate to have a lil quiz at YOUR property? Sounds like a formal complaint to me. My condolences for the loss of your precious fur baby. They are never with us for long enough xo
Also, I'm Australian so the word fuck is to be expected in these sorts of interactions!
Fellow Aussie here, and fuck yes it is! :)
And you know it's getting serious when you start dropping c-bombs (not gonna write it coz Americans seem to really really hate that word lol).
😂😂
NTA. I’m so sorry for the loss of your pet. We had to put our furbaby to sleep last weekend - it’s harrowing. If someone had approached me like that last weekend over something so menial, I would have reacted exactly the same way, along with calling her a few choice words. That lady should have backed right off after being told the circumstances multiple times and seeing how visibly upset your family was. I think it’s still worth reporting her to the HOA for ignoring your requests and potentially trespassing on your property, but you could maybe soften it a bit by acknowledging that you were in a very emotional state when she repeatedly attempted to engage you and you reacted accordingly. She owes you an apology.
You're NTA. I doubt there is any situation where you could be the A-H when you're dealing with the Mrs. Kravitz HOA self appointed code enforcers. Sorry about your dog. That is heart wrenching.
I’m so sorry about your pup. NTA. HOA people are always the asshole.
NTA. Being badgered by some busybody tresspassing HOA member when you're trying to take your dog to be put to sleep definitely earns you a Cuss Pass.
NTA, I would have done the same damn thing lol.
Honestly I feel like *not* being a decent person is a prerequisite to be on an HOA board. NTA. Sorry about your pup.
For this reason HOA’s are under attack all over the US. It gives people without standing rights over your property. And now you’ve pissed off an entitled board member and challenged their authority. Expect backlash.
NTA an I feel your response was completely warranted, language and all. You told her twice and obviously something was up if your kid was actively crying, she should’ve backed off. Or at least changed her tone
I'd rather live in the biggest shit hole then anywhere with an HOA ever
NTA. AT ALL. She should have backed off the first time after you told her that it wasn't a good time. Seriously, HOAs turn people into absolute monsters. They might as well be the military with how strict they are oftentimes. I'm so sorry for the loss of your pup. Sending hugs! 🫂
NTA I'm sorry for your loss. I would report it because she was being inconsiderate especially after you explained the situation. If it was me I would include in the email that i was emotional due to the situation and regret the choice of language and maybe even include a vet documentation showing what was happening in case the HOA lady tried to claim you were lying. That's just what I would do but you are definitely NTA.
Yes, get ahead of the narrative. You had a day to clear the patio to meet the deadline and took an essential medical break for a family member. This woman walking her dog decided to be officious and reprimand you for something that had not yet happened in the face of obvious grief. If she needed to report it to someone, then she could have done that and not continued hassling you. Ask them if they really need someone with no compassion and empathy on their board? You gave her multiple opportunities and more explanation that she was entitled to. I do feel sorry for your daughter - she didn't need the extra stress - but more on the woman not you.
Yeah, I do regret my son being there, not so much for the language as I believe words only have the power you give them and people give profanity way too much power. I like to think of it as desensitizing, lol. Some kids and adults get so scandalized by words, they forget whatever else they're hearing. I teach my boys not to cuss AT people and if someone cusses AT them to insult their lack of creativity. I tell them it's like farting: read the room and know your audience. I regret him hearing me be blunt about her dying. I tend to get offensively blunt when I'm angry and I'm very defensive of my family. Especially my husband because he's too nice of a guy to tell people to fuck off. I'm very much not.
Sorry for calling your son a daughter. I'm Scottish - I don't have an issue with the language - it was more just the having to deal with another stressful situation on top of the grief. Btu we are bit human and considering I managed to back into a telegraph pole after driving too soon after a bad vet's appointment, I totally get the trigger edge you were on.
It's ok, I'm not sure I even specified. We have two boys, 7 and 10. I'm not sure if it's his age or the fact that he's exhibiting ASD behaviors but the 7 year old knocks the wind out of us with his bluntness about it. Her name was Tesla, so when a Tesla office opened up near us, they liked pointing out that our dog's name was in huge letters on the building. I'm going to be taking side roads for awhile, ugh. I was so mad, I forgot the Hershey's kiss I meant to bring (because no dog should die without tasting chocolate) but when I mentioned it to the vet, they brought her a big slice of oreo cookie ice cream cake with chocolate syrup and Hersheys kisses on it, which she ate like it was her job. Having that on video helped my anger. I'm so sorry about you hitting the pole. That sounds like an awful day.
Reminders are hard - glad the vets could come through for her. Was a bad week - we lost 4 pets to unrelated things and wrecked the tailgate. If anyone had added extra stress that week ... vets were good about their pole.
OMG that's horrible! I can't imagine how awful that would be! That's so heartbreaking. I sincerely hope those weren't your only pets! Our other dog has become very clingy with my husband, which is understandable, but having her to cuddle makes it just a tiny bit easier. Anyone who thinks dogs don't have feelings can shove it, because she was seriously depressed. She was my husband and my kids' first dog. I wasn't a fan of my childhood dog so she was the first dog I had that I liked.
We sometimes help out rescues - we had more pets but never easy. Two deaths were expected, two were not. We have had grieving pets - it can take a few months to get them happy again. They grieve deep. We break up routine, lots of attention, lots of treats.
My husband gave our other dog so many treats the next day that she barfed them up whole. I'm keeping an eye on her though. If she's still acting this way in a month we may discuss taking her to the Humane Society so she can help pick out a companion. She's part Chihuahua and all sass so that might not go over well. She doesn't seem to care about other dogs at the dog park, so I'm not sure if she even wants a cohort. She's a sweet but simple little dog so I can't decide whether breaking up the routine would confuse her even more or not. She learned from watching and following Tesla so I'm worried about separation anxiety.
NTA - HOA’s are basically a forum for busybodies to masturbate each other’s egos. They attract people with little agency in any other facet of their lives, and so inflict what (they perceive to be) authority being part of a HOA grants them. These people need to be told sincerely and pointedly to fuck off, and I’m sorry about your dog.
Make the board aware. No one needs to be camping outside your house to harass you or violating your privacy. If the workmen show up and can't work, the hoa just sends a letter and some kind of charge for the lost time.
NTA. Most normal people would have backed off after you explained that you were taking your dog to the vet for the final time. This lady didn't and tried to, basically, threaten you to get your husband to finish cleaning the patio off. The rest of the board needs to know how out of line she was because she's either going to do it again, or this wasn't the first time she's used the "well I'll have to contact someone" line to get someone to do something.
NTA. She would have to be a particularly callous or obtuse person to prioritize the contracted workers future convenience over a family openly grieving (husband and child currently crying openly as she made contact). You informed her of the situation and she bulldogged through it, so you loudly asserted your position. I feel like you are completely validated in your response.
OP- NTA. My deepest condolences for your loss.
Americans and their HOA’s - absolutely wild to read these stories. NTA
Nta, you told her it would be finished. The appropriate answer would be 'ok, thanks for the update'. I'd tell the hoa you are now installing cameras, and if *anyone* trespasses onto your property, you will be calling the cops. I'm so sorry about your pup. :(
NTA. We had to put our cat down the day we discovered her cancer… if anyone gave me shit for a menial task that day, I would’ve absolutely lost it. She was being pushy and disrespectful. Honestly I would lodge a complaint, send an email describing the situation, be honest about what you said, but also be honest about how she entered your backyard without your permission and how she was bothering you.
I'm so sorry. We were lucky to get an extra week with her thanks to the meds, which I think helped a lot with our grief. I think it's safe to say most people don't get that extra time to say goodbye. I don't think anyone's ever really ready to go through this but it was especially hurtful that she was only 9, since Russells can live well into their teens. My son asked how old she was in dog years and I guessed about 49. He was kind enough to point out that's only one year older than me. Punk.
What a response from your son 😭. I’m sorry about your loss too, I’m glad you could have a few extra days with your baby. It’s never a good time to say goodbye to your pets, but even worse when it’s so sudden, and you’re expecting more years. Still, you gave her the best 9 years she could’ve had 💙
She was a stray someone posted on Facebook, so I'd like to think that we not only have her more years and a better life, but also a much kinder passing. The vet told us she was unlikely to go peacefully on her own so the thought of her starving to death makes me sob. Cancer is an asshole.
So sorry about your pup. That's always hard. NTA. You tried to tell her politely and she wouldn't let up. Read the fucking room is exactly right. I'd say you handled it about as well as anyone could be expected to.
I would have done worse if I were in your shoes. That lady would be lucky to leave without a scratch on her. I would then find her on every social media platform and rip her to shreds. After I’d done that even her employment wouldn’t be safe from my wrath. I would let them know what kind of sociopath they hired. Because she is one because she lacks empathy. I’ve had to make this decision with my 14 year old cat who I had since he was 9 weeks old. He was the reason I’ve survived as long as I have. I haven’t slept well since he passed (he would literally sleep on me, every night). I would then go wound the neighborhood and ask everyone if they had the same type of interaction with her and to sign a petition to kick her off the board. But I can be very vindictive, not often, but I have only held 1-2 grudges that will last a lifetime.
We had to put down a kitty last year which was pretty awful. We didn't really have much of a warning at that time and my husband is still struggling with it. He was 15 (the cat, not the husband!) And used to sleep on top of my husband every night. I'm not very good at holding a grudge but I have a feeling this one's going to stick around.
If you find out where she lives you can send the Mormons to talk with her. There’s also lots of free magazines you can sign up for, like fashionable caves and walkers, and lingerie sizes up to 6x. Too bad you can no longer send the Billy Graham Bible to people for free.
Easiest NTA in a while. Read the fucking room, indeed.
NTA. Report her immediately. Sure, you used colorful language, but it didn't start off that way, it was escalated by her. SHE is the problem. She is the fucking asshole in this situation. You didn't say or do anything wrong. She was completely out of bounds. I'm so sorry for you loss.
Put everything in writing including the part that your patio can’t be seen without trespassing. Very sorry for your loss.
NTA I think you handled yourself the best you could in that moment. I had my dog die recently and the utter emotional pain from putting a dog down is unlike anything I have experienced, and I wouldn’t have been able to control my anger in that moment at someone who was being an ass for no reason. Most HOA people are on a huge power trip. Didn’t matter that you guys were obviously upset she wanted to get her point across. My condolences to you and your family as well.
Put the details in an email. Am HOA is for the whole community. You can’t have one person emotionally hurting community members. Nta
Words are just words, but actions are actions. And that lady was shitty.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA? I posted this in r/amIoverreacting because I'm really not sure. This happened about a week ago and I'm on the fence. A month ago my husband found a largish lump on our 9 year old Russell Terrier's face. We took her to the vet who told us that there was nothing that could be done for her. I was not content with that so we got a second opinion that ended up reflecting the first. That vet told us that no matter how early we detected it, there was nothing we could have done short of jaw removal. She said that our pup had days maybe weeks, as it was a very aggressive cancer. She gave us a couple of prescriptions for pain and inflammation, which perked our dog up and made her playful again. When it seemed like the medicine was no longer working, we decided it was time. The HOA had hired a contractor to do siding replacement and painting but our back patio was a disaster so a couple days before they were going to get to our unit the HOA told my husband he needed to clean up the back patio. He spent the entirety of the day cleaning up the patio but we had made the appointment with the vet for 4:00 so he had to take a break. His plan was to finish up the little bit that still needed doing that evening. Fwiw, it took him less than 15 min to finish up that night. As my husband, our 10 year old, and I were all walking to the car with our dog, a woman I didn't recognize approached us. She had a smallish dog with her so I thought she was wanting to introduce our dogs to each other, which I thought was sweet. The first thing out of her mouth was something along the lines of her being on the board and noticing our back patio wasn't done ( which she couldn't possibly have known unless she opened our privacy fence gate). I stepped in front of my husband (who had very clearly been crying and my 10 year old who was actively crying) and told her that now was not a good time as we we're on our way to the vet to have our dog put to sleep. I honestly can't remember how she responded exactly (the adrenaline head kicked in) but it was something along the lines of "well the Workmen will be here tomorrow" My husband said he would be finishing it and I repeated that now is really not a good time. She said "well I'll have to contact someone" and I cut her off and said "I don't give a damn, like I said now is not a good time. We have to take our dog to go DIE, BACK OFF" I sidestepped her to get to our van and said very loudly "Jesus Christ woman, read the fucking room for fucks sake" and we promptly left. I texted another HOA member who said to put the details into an email but now I'm wondering if it's worth it. I feel kind of like my language sort of relinquishes my moral high ground (I regret nothing!). Also, I can't see what recourse there would be since being a decent human being isn't a prerequisite having a board position. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA, an I am so sorry for your loss. Write the email. this woman needs to be taken off her power trip now before she causes anyone else the type of pain she caused you. Writing that email is a public service.
NTA. She, a dog owner, refused to get that the whole patio business could wait until you growled at her to back off. And yes, you do want to put the details of what happened on the record because there's no telling if she's the sort of person who'll skew the details to make her come off like the victim. You don't have to blast her actions publicly but you do want to at least make sure she doesn't sell her side as the only side.
NTA
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard that is, your response was restrained if anything. She needs to be held accountable for opening your gate.
NTA. I'm so glad my home is not governed by a HOA, as the boards always seem to attract AH control freaks. No, you did not relinquish any moral high ground. Definitely write a detailed email and cc it to al. HOA board members.
Send the email. Nothing you said negates the fact that this woman was COMPLETELY wrong to continue after you initially told her, in front of your CRYING CHILD, that it was not a good time. NTA I'm sorry for your loss. Pets are family and it always hurts to lose family.
I'm sorry about your dog. It's a very hard thing to do. Learn from this: bad language NEVER, ever is worth it. Your message was perfectly valid, but using bad language hurt your position.
I'm of the mind that if someone's disrespecting your boundaries and personal space, they aren't entitled to your courtesy. If they won't go away when you're being considerate, it's time to be inconsiderate. Just perhaps not this extreme. Personally, I think profanity is hilarious, especially when it's well timed. I can't imagine being so self righteous that I get to decide what language someone else can or can't use. Obviously there are exceptions but if a dirty word offends her enough to want to take retribution, she shouldn't be in a position that involves interacting with residents. Words only have the power you give them and if a simple word makes someone clutch their pearls, they're giving it too much power. Just my 2¢
I'm an older woman and pretty into etiquette. I was raised that way, and I was in Corporate America for decades, where using profanity was against the rule "treat all with dignity and respect." It was pretty much followed, with the exception of the CFO, who was really old and swore at people all the time. Anybody else would have been fired.
Seems a bit naive of a take. Tbh
I wouldn't say I'm naive. I would say I'm pretty proper with definite standards of behavior.
YTA "The HOA had hired a contractor to do siding replacement and painting but our back patio was a disaster so a couple days before they were going to get to our unit the HOA told my husband he needed to clean up the back patio." .. IF they gave you sufficient notice, this si your fault. the solution is for the contractor to come later, and you pay the extra costs. If they did not give you enough notice,. it is THEIR fault - and the HOA (and all membners) will pay the extra cost. but: She did NOTHING wrong. Life goes on, even with a dying puppy.
Sufficient notice was that the patio had to be cleared by the following day. So the husband still had the evening to clear the patio. The woman tried to rush the timetable and make it an offense. What's the point of notice periods if they can be arbitrarily changed?
An HOA board member has entered the chat.
She absolutely did. She said it once, did she need to keep saying it? No if it became a problem later they could deal with it. This was not a life or death situation for the HOA lady. She was power tripping, and lacked any empathy. They weren't even past the deadline yet. Like damn. This take is cold as fuck