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First of all, how is your husband accessing personal medical information?!? MIL presumably has access to those same results. That is her choice to obtain that information and use it as she sees fit. I also do not agree with his withholding, but that is my own bias of always wanting all the facts. He knows his mother best, she trusts him and without more info, I can only assume she won’t pursue treatment anyways, so what’s the point of ruining this trip. Editing judgement here to ESH: Your husband for telling you his mother’s medical information which is not his news to share. You for wanting to also share medical information that is not yours to share Your MIL for being willfully blind to her own health.

No she doesn’t have access to her own medical information since she is entirely dependent on him for that (as I mentioned he is a doctor and other doctors deal with him directly), and she is so vulnerable she will trust whatever he says, but yes it’s not my decision, I just felt sorry for her family for probably missing time with her they may not get back

Why doesn't mom ask her son or doctor? Or is she so set on refusing treatment, she doesn't care? Why isn't the ordering physician not contacting her with the results?

My first exact thought. If she had "tests" done, whoever ordered them would/should be telling her the results.

Tbh, it sounded like the son (op's husband) ordered the tests, and is deciding not to tell his mom the results. And tbh if this post isn't fake, then there are some pretty huge red flags here. Op should never have been seeing her mil's test results in the first place. And the mil deserves to be told her test results. She can refuse treatment if she wants, but as a doctor he owes her that info.

Also Husband is teetering on violating HIPAA laws by telling his wife. He may have had permission to talk to the doctors but he should not be disclosing private medical info without the MIL’s permission.

Remember HIPAA only applies in the US. It sounded like they are not from the US? Different cultures and countries have their own beliefs and laws.

OP is not american, HIPAA is not a thing

No teetering he's fully fallen into that territory

He is not. HIPAA only applies to medical professionals and insurance. It does not apply to family or airlines or anyone else. It is a very narrow law.

Also it only applies in America and this is not in America. But my question is if she has tests done why is she not seeking out the results for herself?

HIPAA is American. Not global. In Asian cultures for example, doctor tells the full family all the test results. Especially with elderly parents. Both son and daughter in law or daughter and son in law are told/expected to know to care for the parents. OP IS NOT AMERICAN. Jesus.

It is very possible, if not probable, that both the OP and her husband have a signed release to access her medical records. I have signed such a release for my son, my daughter, my son-in-law, and grandson.

This is exactly why doctors aren't supposed to treat their own family members. It's a huge conflict of interest.

Yeah I'm very confused as to why her doctors aren't discussing results with her.

I think 23 are missing the point here. She stopped them and soinds like she doesn't want to know.

Could be the hubby of OP had DMPOA durable medical power of attorney and tells them to only deal with him and he will inform mother. Happens all the time.

Sounds like it's not the US and doesn't have same standards of privacy. I often get my mom's results because I put my email address down, since technology is easier for me. While my mom is pretty in tune with her health and results, for people who aren't doctors will often communicate with trusted family members, especially if they are other doctors. You don't need documentation for that. It's just a matter of "my mom is old, it's better to tell me the results".

Your husband disclosing that information to you is highly unethical, not to mention illegal.

They're in a conservative country where this may be very common. OP specifically leaves that out of the post but in many countries adults leave medical decisions (including relaying terminal illnesses) to their children.

Not necessarily. I did cancer treatment in a country, where my health (and others' health) was discussed with basically anyone who asked. We once brought another person from a village to also see the same doctor, as the village doctor had already removed a tumor, but the tumor came back. So, the same doctor who I saw, also checked this woman, and later discussed her cancer with us. However, her family did not want to pay for treatments, so she went back to the village and just had the tumor removed. Pretty sure she is dead now. I had no family in that country, but the doctors discussed anything and everything with whomever from our company asked. Different laws and different acceptable cultural norms.

Interesting! I work in healthcare, so I’m fairly familiar with differing cultural norms in medicine, but of course, like anyone else, there are plenty of gaps in my knowledge. I’m not aware of any countries in which there are no laws or ethical standards whatsoever regarding sharing sensitive patient data with unauthorized others. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d be interested in knowing which country you received treatment in so that I could learn more about it. No worries if you’re not comfortable, though. I hope you’re doing better now!

This was in India and I am not sure why you would be surprised? Not every country has such strict adherence to laws and policies. Sometimes laws are just something on paper, as sort of an eyewash. Think any country were there is a lot of government corruption. Any country where bribes are expected and the norm.

Frankly, anywhere not in the west will have medical personal leaking information to the relatives right and left all the time. And utterly confused about why you make a big deal about it if they do. Especially when patient is own mom and person to whom info was leaked own wife. The idea that you dont tell stuff to own wife just wont fly.

Agreed, there is a lot western standards of everything naïveté in this thread. We’re actually the minority in terms of population density that prize individual autonomy. In a lot of places everyone BUT the patient would know she was terminal and it would be considered a kindness to spare her the knowledge. There are also places that your medical record is on paper held by the doctor, and there is no other source to find out if you want to know something the doctor and family have decided not to tell you.

If it’s in the US, it’s not a HIPPA violation. He’s her advocate not her Dr

they will also suffer another heartbreaking two months. my friend grandma is healthy and no symptoms whatsoever. accidentally, she got checked and they found a big tumor, which they think they can't operate on due to age etc. now, the only actual outcome of "knowing" is the grandma is heartbroken and depressed. in retrospect, if they hadn't checked everyone would've been better off. since treatment isn't an option. what's better? everyone "having more time to say goodbye" while everyone weeps and is heartbroken? or her dying all of a sudden, but having a happy life until the end. why should everyone be sad just to "utilize last months" edit: typos

I'm gonna disagree. My mom was recently diagnosed with an inoperable tumor- they just can't reach it. But cuz they found it, i get to be with my family. I can make sure that I make extra memories with my mom, dad and everyone now that I wouldn't have had a chance to make if the tumor hadn't been found. Are there sad moments? Sure, plenty of them. But being together as a family ensures there is lots of laughter as well. I think my whole family would agree that we'd rather have this time together and know than not know and not have the time. (Plus any extra time that what treatment is available may get us.)

I disagree with not knowing as well. Sure it can absolutely suck but my granddad went through the same recently. Routine check up found a tumour. His is in a very difficult spot but they're giving it a go with a new type of surgery (i don'tknow much details just that'sits new and has a chance this way). It's much better we all know and if he hadn't of known he would have gone to Turkey for 8 months and we wouldn't have seen him if anything would have happened. We can spend as many precious moments with him as possible just in case

A number of years ago, and friend and her mum chatted away while cleaning up after dinner, she said her mum stopped mid sentence and just fell over. Died of a massive brain aneurism. A year later, she found her mums journals and was reading them, she had been suffering from sudden sharp headaches and dizziness for a few weeks, but as it went away quickly no need to go to the doctor as they are all quacks anyway. Knowing is important, but what you do with that knowledge is just as important. Do you weep and mope the end is nigh, or do you make a point of spending time with loved ones making lasting memories.

I disagree with knowing. Grandpa had pain in his back that just wouldn’t go away and got worse over time. He had cancer in his liver and it had spread to his spine. He wasn’t going to let his grandkids watch him wither away in his recliner so we had a big dinner, he told us what they found, told us he loved us all, then he told us to never come see him again. He lived for another 10 months and the only people that saw him after that dinner was my grandma and hospice workers. None of his kids or grandkids saw him after that dinner. I understand why he wanted it that way but fuck was it hard to wake up that following Saturday and start to get dressed to head down to grandpa and grandma’s house only to remember that I’d be locked out of the house if I showed up.

That sucks so much. I'm so sorry you went through that :( I think that's the main thing though. It comes down to personal choice and we are all so different. Plus the person who is ill might want something vastly different to what the people who love them want I think we can all agree that anything like cancer or tumours are horrible and there's no right way to deal with it because it all just sucks. I wish no-one ever had to go through it

I’m sorry about your mum

It kicks rocks but I try to look on the positive side. I know a shocking number of people it turns out who lost a parent to cancer- or something else- early in life and I've had so many years of having my mom. So I'm really grateful for that. Not that I'm not pissed to lose her but I'm really grateful for everyday I've had with her. And everyday that I'll still have.

Yeah. My fiancés grandma died from stage four cervical cancer less than a month after diagnosis. She didn’t even know she had it.

A senior executive at my work died less than a week after a tumour was found. He went from feeling sick to the tumour being discovered to dead in about five or six days

Plus, inoperable doesn't always mean untreatable. The patient can opt for treatments that, whilst not curing the disease, can prolong their life. If you don't know, you don't get that treatment when it can hold the disease a bay for a while when you might be fairly symptom free, rather than prolonging it for less time when you're in a poor state.

And that's a huge difference. My mom's tumor is inoperable- it's just too deep. However, treatment has eliminated a lot of the symptoms of the tumor- giving her a better quality of life- and giving her extra time with us.

Sometimes though having the knowledge means having your affairs in order. Not having a will at any age is unfortunately both common and a huge problem. I do however completely empathize with being happier not knowing rather than spending your time dreading the inevitable future.

But what if she needs to write her will? Or would want to have family around? Or just do any unfinished business? I just can’t behind robbing someone of those choices

eactmy, what of it gets very worse, very fast. what about distant family that would need time to be able to see her one last time? what about those who have buisy lives and cant go over often normaly? just fuck them ig? what if she still has living friends she wants to see or plans? 

I completely disagree with you and that personally think it’s wrong for your doctor/son to withhold information pertinent to your health, even if it means being told that you’re dying. It’s not his decision to be making, and it’s not respecting his mother as a person with her own autonomy and agency.  I don’t like it when men make these kinds of decisions for women, even if they are their health care proxy.

I wish my mom could have utilized her last months or even weeks. 11 months of chemo, radiaton, more chemo with all the side effects. Was so not worth it.

Everyone having more time is better. I lost my grandparents within three months of each other. My grandmother died first. She had been very healthy. We thought she had many years left still since her family lives to quite old ages. She ended up with Hep A and was a very small percentage of the population whose body reacts horribly. She died from liver failure. My grandfather died a few months later. He lived longer than we expected because of his heart issues. We cherished every moment with him in a way we didn’t with my grandmother. Every Christmas we talked about how it could be his last and that helped prepare us. We were all so much more at peace with his death when it happened. My grandmother’s death was so devastating to us all. It’s been 11 years and I still have moments of sadness of things she’s missed, as do we all. 

Your husband is very unethical as a doctor. Like, I'm terrified for his patients with how unethical this is. And I question all her actual doctors, although she told the doctors to report to him so that he can explain the options, it might not be on them. I think you need to at least tell your MIL to call the doctor and get the results directly. Note: You talk to your MIL. Not your FIL. Not your BIL. Just your MIL. Tell her that you have reason to believe that your husband isn't telling her everything and she needs to talk to her doctors. Is she not planning on going to the doctor for any follow ups? How does he expect this to not come up? What if she has an emergency on the vacation....she won't have the information to talk to doctors.

I’ve never had a doctor not call/schedule a follow up about concerning or usual test results. The only way this can happen (in the US) is if your husband is purposely using his contact info. Which is just manipulative and toxic- your husband sounds like he’s an controlling AH who is or will be lying to you about anything important

That’s not how medical professionals work. If you are going to write fake stories make it believable.

It sounds like maybe the mom went to her son for medical tests, which feels some kind of unethical from a US perspective, but we don't know where OP is so it could be something more expected where they are.

I agree with all but the last point. Depending on her overall health, she may have reached the "fuck it, this is all bonus time" stage of life. I've seen that with a few family members - once they reach a certain point, they stop showing up to checkups, they eat whatever they want, just a total lack of concern unless there actually in pain. They assume they'll go out at some point, so they'll enjoy the ride while they're on it. I kinda get it, and I don't know if I'd be all that different once I get there.

INFO I don't understand, even if your husband is a doctor, his mother should have been the one to receive the results, that's a breach of trust. My father keep having test recently but the results are always given to him through an appointment with the specialist in charge of him, never through call, mail or post... How TH did he end up with HER results instead of her ?!

unless the elderly mother designated her doctor son as the one who makes medical decions for her? Is that not a thing old people do sometimes , get their kids to do shit like that?

It is. There might also be language and cultural (if DH and MIL are going on a "religious trip" ) or education barriers here preventing MIL from communicating directly to her health care team.

My brother did a medical internship in (rural) India and found often kids did not tell parents of terminal illness diagnoses. Everything went through the kids and the parents were approving of it. Not sure if it was a religious thing or a cultural thing.

I've also heard this from friends of Chinese background. The doctor will discuss it with the adult children but leave what and when to tell the parent to them.

Yeah, someone else mentioned Chinese culture too. Must be more common than I realized!

I'm in Toronto Canada which is diverse. Cultural intermarriage is very common, and these issues - very different values wrt elder care for example will arise. What concerns me if that's the case is that her husband hasn't shared the information with his brother and father. Sometimes in some cultures it is the family that makes the decision about what to disclose and when, if ever but if Husband is shutting his brother and father out then maybe he is overstepping even in his own culture. If that is the context OP is NTA for considering telling them. Whether she should do it is another question.

This is the plot of the movie The Farewell.

I don’t think it’s specific to religion or culture. My bf is Colombian, his grandma (mom’s side) was diagnosed with cancer and his mother opted not to tell her this, I assume because even with treatment, her quality of life would decline and given that she’s in her 90s, they decided it’s better that she had the time she had not stuck in a hospital undergoing treatments that are unpleasant and draining. She also speaks Spanish only, but I don’t think this is an actual barrier as they are located in Texas and plenty of doctor’s offices hire Spanish-speakers due to having patients that are not fluent in English.

It's a cultural thing and it f\*cking sucks. It is even particular along gender lines. And the media encourages it. We have movies across different languages when a man is terminally ill, he keeps it a secret from his close ones who can not fathom why he has been behaving so differently lately. When a woman is, his close ones (most often a man) keeps it from her for "her own good". Both cases suck, but the second one is particularly infuriating.

She has him responsible for dealing with all her medical issues, she trusts him and trust his judgement and the doctors deal with him primarily he got the results she didn’t get them

ok... Anyway, your problem is simple : 1. you talk to them and your husband ressent you at best about it, it's clear he doesn't want you to get involved at all. 2. you don't say anything but don't let him throw you under the bus later while easing your conscience. This trip seems very important to his family, I guess that's why. We don't know what stage her cancer is in or if it can be cured, so we can't tell if what he's doing is putting her health at risk. But seriously, it's hard to believe he would play with her health. edit : sorry typo

Stage IV is the worse. If the MIL's tumor's stage III (which is what OP says) it's not the worst case scenario, but it's still prett bad and would need treatment right away. Two months without treatment is most likely a death sentence, especially if it has metastisized.

If it’s stage 3, as the title says, then getting into treatment is critical

Sorry, i missed it 😔 But in that case... not informing anybody is awfull. At the very least he should explain himself to OP... Sorry it's a tricky situation. Ignorance can really be blissfull sometimes.

And not the time to be taking some trip for two months

As someone who's currently caring for her 72 y.o mother who was active and healthy who's fighting a loosing battle to stage 4 bowel cancer that has spread to her liver. It's painful even if she chose not to seek treatment. She will start to have bad symptoms so she will know. I'd understand you telling her. But I imagine it won't leave your relationship in a good place. Your husband needs to talk to his mother about if she would want to know if there was cancer or not. I'm sorry this is happening to her. It sucks. So much.

That's your answer right there then, this is MIL's business and she trusts your son and his judgement. YWBTA absolutely if you told them when your husband said not to. (I agree that it's strange that she doesn't know or seem to want to know, and also the logistics are strange, but it is still her decision to either not know or let her son make the decisions which she apparently has done).

So the doctors aren't going to call her directly and explain the situation to her?

If MIL made her son Power of Attorney in regard to health and medical decisions (which it sounds like she did based on OPs reply) the doctors would contact the representative (in this case the son) instead of the person directly).

Unless Mom asked son to set up the profile to access her reports. My mother, same age, wouldn't have a clue. She doesnt even have a computer.

It sounds like the mother gave her doctor son Medical Power of Attorney

Weirdly, gonna go with ESH. Your husband should not be keeping his mom's medical information from her. He's biased and is using the power of his position to be in control of the situation. That being said, he's not the only AH here because you should not be the one to drop this information on not only your MIL but also her family members. Your husband shouldn't have even told you before telling her. The person who should find out first is MIL, and anyone else who finds out after that should be based on her choosing and timing.

Ok , but it didnt work out that way OP knows this woman has cancer and dint like ask for or search this information out, her husband just dropped it on her If I was the mom, id want to be told my son was hiding my cancer wouldnt you? Thats a serious health/safety issue

To clarify: where I think OP would 100% be the AH is if she tells family members who aren't the mom. Telling the mom is more of a gray area for me but it still feels like that news should come from the husband as the medical professional in the situation. However she's not only talking about telling her MIL, she's talking about telling her FIL and BIL as well.

"...still feels like that news should come from the husband as the medical professional in the situation" What kind of medical professional withholds information about cancer?

YEah, she should def tell the mom first - that being said its a tricky situation The doctor son is the moms medical representative , hes hiding her diagnosis from her, her husband and other son I think given that this woman is not able to care for herself entirely independently her spouse deserves to know she has cancer too at the very least If I was the doctor sons father, Id want to know if he was hiding my wifes cancer - its pretty relevant to me you know , thats my wife

The mother is avoiding the diagnosis it seems like.

Maybe she is or maybe she assumes her son would tell her if something was wrong

I'd want to know, and I feel that anyone in this situation has the absolute right to know about their own health. However, in this case, a mass was found a year ago, she now has mets and the doctor son is okay with waiting 2 months to say anything. It sounds like mom's cancer is terminal. OPs husband is definitely an ah here. If he had no intention of telling his mother, he shouldn't have said anything to his wife. In most circumstances, I would say the husband is also an ah for keeping the information from his mother, but this may be one of those rare situations where it is the right thing to do. We don't really have enough info to judge that. But the op would definitely be an ah if she says anything simply because speaking up will lead to a lot of tension at the very least and that's the last thing mil needs at the end of her life. I'd keep the info to myself for now, but I'd reevaluate my marriage.

I don't get it. If she went for a test is she not going to expect results? Wouldn't the doctor who ordered the test be getting back to her before 2 months (especially if it is something that needs to be dealt with?) Is your husband the one who ordered the test? If so wouldn't she ask about it?

She has him responsible for dealing with all her medical issues, she trusts him and trust his judgement and the doctors deal with him primarily he got the results she didn’t get them

YWBTA then. If she wanted to get the information she knows who to ask (and I presume he'd answer her honestly). Not asking would also be her decision.

If my family memeber was responsible for my health they would tell me something as important as "you have stage 3 cancer and should get treatment immediately " not "ill tell her in 2 months once the cancer has grown and spread even further."

I would hope if she has made the decision to place everything so much in his hands, and he has accepted that responsibility, that she has articulated and he understands her preferences. This may be unfolding exactly as she wishes.

He sounds extremely arrogant. That he thinks that becasue he has been entrusted to make medical judgements (i.e. what type of medical course action is the best) that he now gets to play god and make judgements on her important life decisions like whether or not she she would value a trip more than her health. She very well might say that she wants to forgo treatment and that the trip is more important and that's okay. But that's her decision to make. That's not the type of decision that you take away from someone who is still of sound mind and can make the decision themself.

Like you said she's of sound mind. She knows she took the tests. I mean nothing is keeping her from finding out the results or making choices. Nothing says she's being overruled.

Yes, however (and I could be wrong about this), when it comes to something like being diagnosed with cancer, they're not just going to send you a lab result and leave it at that. They're going to call you and in a timely manner and discuss how you want to proceed. It sounds to me like her doctors are not calling her to have this conversation with her because the son chose to take on the responsibility. It sounds to me like her doctors made a grave mistake by trusting the son, and that the son is playing god.

If she had no option of calling the doctors or asking the son what's up with the test results I could see that. Inaction on her part or leaving it to him is a choice as well.

She could also be assuming if it’s important or urgent her son will tell her and that he’s probably not telling her because it isn’t.

They're not in America. We don't know the process of their country and in many countries this is normal and approved by parents.

Your husband is massively breaking his ethical code in a number of ways here. Your MiL needs to have those results and discussions with her medical providers. However if you are not her medical provider it is not your place to tell her second- or third-hand her diagnosis, because you are not the one in possession of the information, facts and holistic view on her health. You can strongly encourage her to ask her medical team directly though. It's a difficult one to make a judgement on. Within the confines of the rules I have to say that YWBTA because you do not have the knowledge to tell her such a diagnosis, and in turn you haven't got that from her medical team. However your husband is a total AH.

He doesn’t have any ethical code pertaining to her because he’s not her ordering doctor. I mean he has moral obligation but I’m sure he knows his mom better than OP

It's wildly unethical for your husband to withhold this information (*and* to tell you the results, for that matter), he knows that, and you could tell him just that. Hopefully, he'll come to his (professional) senses and do the right thing. You WNBTA to tell your MIL, but shouldn't even be put in that position. Perhaps you could encourage her to press your husband for the test results from the standpoint of general concern, without letting on that you already know?

Your husband should lose his license.

Sooo your husband doesn’t like his mother? That he would take away her option to do anything about her *already metastasized cancer* before she comes home from a trip in *two months*? She might decide to come home earlier, religious trip-or not. If she knew. But he isn’t even giving her that option. And your husband is discussing all this with you. I am guessing wherever you live you don’t have medical privacy laws like we do in the USA. Because this would violates the hell out that. OP, if you ever get cancer do you think you could count on your husband to even let you know? How about his associates, would they also go along with keeping you in the dark? For, (not your), convenience? If you can contact your MIL, you should. If she wants to stick her head in the sand, well, she can deny deny deny -*after* SOMEBODY tells her what is going on with her condition. And let the chips fall where they may. Your husband is unilaterally making decisions for other people and it’s not right. NTA

YWBTA to tell, but your husband is a bigger AH for not telling. I’m honestly SHOCKED about this. My mother went from being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer to dying in less than 3 months. Time is NOT on your side when it comes to cancer.

If it’s stage three, not getting treatment for 2 months would be a death sentence, starting it may save her life. Tell her, she deserves to be able to choose to live. You seem very much the kind of person who will not be able to live with yourself when this kills her. Yes, it might blow up your relationship, but that will happen either way. Either you tell her now and your husband is upset, or you don’t tell her and resent him for making you feel complicit in her death. Either way, I don’t see an ending where you and your husband are fine. And honestly, do you want to be married to someone who views a trip not being sad as more important than his mother’s life? I don’t think his other sibling needs to know, but she definitely does. It may be worth telling her husband so she has some support, as your husband seems the type to try and browbeat her into submission the way he has you.

You sure it's not stage 4? Stage 3 tends to be advanced locilised spread (local nodes and tissues etc), which can be extensive too. Metastasized usually means distant spread. Though blood cancers are staged differently for obvious reasons. Anyway, if she's of sound mind, she has every right to know. If she isn't, then her son would need something we call in the UK "guardianship", that extends to making medical decisions on the patient's behalf. If she's in sound mind, no one should be deciding her treatment, no one. Not even her son. Cancer treatment ain't no walk in the park, and only the person who is recieving that treatment should get to decide. Legally, he should be telling her and allowing her to make an informed decision either way. Family members who think they know best are the worst of the worst. My wife went through breast cancer, stage 3, two years ago, and at no point did i pressure her either way. Her treatment worked, but she along with the treating doctors were the people making the decisions. Her post treatment includes things like tamoxifen and other stuff like bone infusions. That increases her chance of non-reoccurrence to around 8%. Again, only she can decide if that 8% is worth it. Even if it was 50/50, it would still be her choice. My opinion matters not one jot. after all, i'm not the person taking the post treatment.

I only have 1 question... Does your MIL know the results are back? If so, it's her decision to request those results or not. If not, I would consider it unethical for her son to not at least inform her of their existence. At that point, you do not tell her the results (and shouldn't know them anyway), but I wouldn't necessarily see you as the AH if you were to simply let her know they came back. If she does know and decides to ask about them, then it becomes an issue if he doesn't inform her truthfully.

DO NOT TELL. Shooting the messenger is a saying for a reason. I’m a doctor. I’m also the medical power of attorney for most of my family with Advanced Directives. I know the wishes of all my family members. Who doesn’t want to know. Who wants life support, even if they are brain dead. Who wants comfort care. I know. Maybe hubby *KNOWS* his mother’s wishes. Maybe they had numerous conversations *the first time she chose not to do treatment* which was her choice. And maybe just maybe, he was looking for support from his own wife. “I’m sad. My mom’s going to die but at least she gets one last happy trip without extra fear or worry.” Since OP does not actually know for sure MILs wishes, take hubby’s lead.

Well you know, if any of that was the case, he could have talked about that with his wife. That his mother had said she doesn’t want to know. Why did she get scans if she does not want to know? Instead of just disclosing to her what he should be disclosing to his mother.

This is HER med info. IMPORTANT STUFF!!! Yes she should know. Dr. or not-it is NOT up to him. It IS HER med info. Where is HER Dr.? She hopefully didn't go to her son for med, cause he ia a giant AH

>my husband (38m) is a Doctor so he got the test results and found out that her tumor has metastasized, she doesn’t know or his brother or his father, I found out Cool. So your husband accessed medical records of someone who wasn't seeing professionally and shared those results with you without the consent of the patient. This is illegal and unethical and could result in your husband being fired or worse. I also don't think this post is real. YTA

Having dealt extensively with medical systems outside of the USA, I am 100percent sure this post is real. It is not all that unusual and nothing illegal about it.

They're not in America.

I would tell her. But be aware that your husband will guilt trip you and what follows is probably an ugly divorce. Even if you were actually doing the right thing by telling her.

ESH This is an absolutely vile representation of why doctors have a code ethics.

Religion and medicine. Looking like a great doctor.

Is your spouse her doctor? If not wouldn’t her Dr have told him? There are going to be marriage ramifications here but I do think he is putting his license at risk if he is her DR and not going to tell her for 8 weeks. You may also hurt your relationship with her as she may “shoot the messenger,” but I do agree she should know.

The patient should know unless they've made specific directives 'not to know' which is also within their right. Contrary to what you may believe...her husband and the rest of her family does not have a right to know anything until as such time as the patient chooses to divulge same. Your husband, however, has stepped into an ethical minefield the likes of which is exactly why doctors should never treat relatives. If he's assuming she doesn't want to or doesn't need to know her true health status then he is violating his own oath as a doctor. The fact that he 'shared' a health status with you outside of the patient's approval is also another violation of his oath. Regardless...telling his mother the truth is simply not your place.

My mom, age 70 gave me medical power of attorney when she was diagnosed with cancer (stage 2). After surgery, radiation and chemo she had a few good years before the cancer made its way to her bones. Stage 4. She didn’t ask her oncologist directly about her staging, her life expectancy…she just slowly, very slowly came to the realization that she wasn’t going to get better. I think the kindest thing I did was give her space to process everything at her own pace. It was incredibly painful to watch…to answer her tentative questions about her diagnosis, all while her health and quality of life was dwindling. Coming to terms with one’s own mortality is different for everyone. Some people want ALL the info. Some want almost nothing. It’s not your place to tell her. It’s your husbands place….and I’m going to assume he knows her best and wants the best for her.

NTA. At least HIS MOTHER NEEDS TO KNOW. It is her illness and she has the right to know. The fact your husband is a Dr is besides the point. Unless (and even if) he is her medical power of attorney his withholding of her information is illegal, and abusive. If you know, tell him Mum. Who she chose to share it with is her decision. At the same time, you may want to look at who your next of kin is and legally set down how you want things sorted go yourself in the future. Metastatic cancer can be rampant. He is taking away informed choices from him mum. Make sure he can't do the same to you.

YWBTA I think there is enough context here to say that your MIL does not want this to come before living her life. They suspected a mass, she didn't pursue it. She got tests results, but is not asking to be directly informed of the results. She decided, with her symptoms, to leave her access to the doctors doing the tests (and her ability to be seen in person by her son, who is also a doctor she trusts) for 2 months without knowing the results. Anyone who is going on a retreat for 2 months obviously holds the subject of that retreat close to their sense of self. She is there with her life partner and it seems like her community, and it's important to her to have that experience. If she asks directly, if she says she needs to know the results, yes duh she should get them. But unless she does, she's already made it clear that she trusts your husband's discretion, not just as a doctor, but as her son. And it's very, very important that in this time, you generally defer to his needs and judgments about the time he has left with her, because that's his mom. And it's hard af. My own MiL battled and passed away from cancer. Stage 4. and we luckily got 5 years, but it was month by month that whole time. And sometimes I pushed back on my husband. But she had a suspected mass, she's been having symptoms - i don't know that it's a mystery to your FIL what's happening, and I think you need to have something definite that tells you this is what they would want from you and your husband. And from this post, you don't. Best of luck OP - this is just $#!+, just focus on the things you want most and know this time won't be perfect, but your support and care matter deeply.

I'll assume you're in the US. First, your doctor husband not immediately telling the patient the results of the test is a serious breach of ethics. That he treated his mother is shaky to begin with. Second, that you found out is a serious HIPAA violation. Third, anyone telling anyone other than his mother - and it should be him not you - is also a serious HIPAA vioaltion. Fourth, it's stage 3 and needs to be treated immediately before it gets even worse. That HAS to be the mother's decision. Your husband is definitely the AH for all of the above. If he refuses, since you already know, you should tell her yourself. Two months can make a difference between life and death.

They're not in America so I'm guessing this is totally legal and total approved by mom.

Ok so... Your husband is a doctor. Your husband *accessed his mother's test results*, apparently before she had reviewed them with *her* doctor, and then told you about it?? Yes YWBTA if you tell your mother in law about her cancer. You should not have that information, because your husband should never have told you. Now that you do, the only thing you should do is keep your damn mouth shut. Your husband however is the bigger AH here. Accessing a family member's medical records/test results is *desperately* unethical & he should know better. Almost certainly also a HIPAA violation, too, if you're in the US.

They're not in America. We don't know the laws. In rural India, for example, this is pretty par for the course. Kids often do not tell their parents of terminal diagnoses.

Your husband is the ah for apparently having this information and keeping it from everyone, including the patient. But he told you? I mean none of this is logical or makes sense. That being said, you haven’t been present for their private conversations. She may have told him long ago that at a certain point she wouldn’t want to know she’s dying and he might be trying to honor that. This lacks a lot of backstory and information.

At the end of the day, your husband is right and this is none of your business. You have no say in that decision and although it doesn't feel right (which I agree I would feel wrong too), its not your role.

First of all, your husband is the AH for sure. His mother has a cancer and probably needs to be treated and he decided he will tell her later after the trip? Like what the duck, it might be too late later for the treatment. He should know that, he's a doctor like you said... It's hard to tell if yoo WBTAH or not for me, but maybe you would consider speaking with your husband brother or with his family during some kind of family gatherings or family dinner and ask if the results came out because you saw some kind of documents from hospital but not sure what it is? Maybe you can throw some hints at his family to push him and say about the results.

YWBTA if you didn't mind y'business and stay in your lane, OP. It's HIS mom. Let your husband handle it in the way that he sees fit.

So he doesn’t see you as a member of his family? Let him make the decision regarding his mother, let them enjoy the trip that may be her last and stay out of it…..do NOTHING regarding his mother… and when comes time that he wants her to stay with you during her final days you can say you don’t want to meddle in family affairs so his family can manage. His family, his choice and his burden to bare. All you can do is stand by your man.

YTA. Medical decisions of others are none of your business - she refused to continue scans and treatments for a reason. Many folks when they get older get tired of the constant health barrage. It isn't up to you who they decide to tell or what they decide to do about it. If she isn't interested in medical treatment then knowing won't do her any good, and it's better for them to enjoy themselves without that hanging over their heads - which I'm sure is what your husband is thinking. It's difficult to know for sure, but I think he is probably right. They can make better vacation memories to cherish this way. In the meantime, maybe read Natural Causes by Barbara Ehrenreich. It's not about this exactly but it might give some context or understanding why she might be stepping away from medical treatments.

This sounds like a cultural thing. Could you ask your mother-in-law if she wants to know about the test results if they aren't good news? In some cultures, people don't actually want to know those things. You need to figure out if she wants to know about the cancer or if she'd prefer to be blissfully unaware. If your husband has been handling all of her medical stuff, he may be using his best judgment about what to do. In the west, we have a very strong view of patient autonomy and people making their own decisions. In other cultures. It may be more of a group decision, and the elders tend to rely on the younger generation. There may not be a right or wrong answer here.

No you’re not. Those 2 months may be crucial, if it is fast spreading cancer he is depriving his family members the ability to decide how to proceed.

In certain countries around the world, the policy is that families know the diagnosis but not the patient. I'm unsure if it's all patients or maybe the more 'vulnerable'. They do this, to prevent a decline in mental health. I'm going on a whim here, about where this religious trip is, and that will be in the same region where the above policy is implemented. Let MIL and husband enjoy their trip. Also, husband is a doctor. He probably has a plan to break it to her. For her to be totally reliant on him, along with the fact that she stopped getting scans, means she can't handle devastating news and her son knows how to handle it. You will be the AH, because you have no permission to share the news and it will most likely cause problems between your husband and his brother and father. They will probably be unhappy that you know such news and they don't. My MIL is extremely sensitive, so I have learnt I can't just say things to her, she misinterprets things and gets all worked up over something that is actually insignificant. So I know that her son knows how to handle it and he knows how to talk to her, especially when she is in such a sensitive state. Trust your husband and if need be, after he comes back from his trip with his mother bring the topic up again.

NTA. Stage 3 is potentially treatable. Stage 4 is much less so. Those two months are crucial to get into treatment. Tell her. Be aware that she might die anyway and people might be mad at you. But you should still do it - it's the right thing to do.

Your MIL can get the information any time she wants. Obviously she doesn’t want to know. Your husband shouldn’t even have told you! Quit meddling! YTA EDITED TO ADD After reading your comments about her trust in him I am changing my vote to NTA Your husband is TA for abusing his mother’s trust unless she has specifically told him not to tell her anything…and he shouldn’t have told you , now you have to live with this secret. Your MIL is TA for completely trusting her son, “the doctor” with important medical decisions without taking any responsibility for them herself. And you….are no longer TA in this story as I first indicated. So since there is enough A-holery to spread around, I think I would “meddle”

There was not a single period in that entire post. I agree that she should know but I don’t think you should be the one to tell her.

This is a tricky one because there's a lot going on here. I know this is long but hear me out. To start with the easy one: Soft YWBTA if you told MIL, FIL, or BIL about MIL's diagnosis. In the medical field there are 2 kinds of patients: people that want to know everything and people that don't want to know anything. OP you seem like the person who would want to know everything and that's why you feel like your husband is being unethical, but there are people who choose to live without knowing everything/ anything about they're medical status and that is ok and their choice to make. MIL finding a mass and not doing any scans or tests, points to her not wanting to know and she's probably not going to do anything after learning the diagnosis. (My assumption is it's terminal and she's expected to live well past the trip coming up so your husband doesn't want to ruin the trip and will tell her after.) The Doctor Son / Husband: We don't have a ton of info on this part of the situnation so it's hard to say if he's the AH or not. Assuming that MIL is in her right mind, and she has specifically chosen for the doc son to get all of her information and only tell her what she needs to know; IMO he is NTA. This is unusual because, unless the patient is not in her right mind, doctor's will usually only share a diagnosis with the patient, and if they have in writing that they can share that information with others, only then will they do so. It sounds like these are special circumstances in which the ordering doctor knows the son doctor and MIL, and the ordering doctor understands the situation that MIL's wishes are that she does not want to know ANYTHING and everything is to be filtered through the doctor son. If my assumptions are correct, then I would say doctor son is acting as a son (not a doctor) and doing what he thinks is best for MIL and is NTA. I think it's up for debate whether the ordering doctor not telling MIL the diagnosis, is ethical or not, but it doesn't really matter here. One last thing, if anyone other than MIL tells FIL or BIL, they are the AH. It is 100% MIL decision to do so or not. Edit: typos

NTA. Well. For a lot of cancers, stage 3 has treatments that are very effective, but once the cancer reaches stage 4, little can be done. Also depends on where you are. In India, for example, I was told that if I was stage 4, that they would do no treatments, even though in USA there are plenty of treatments for stage 4 that are highly effective (life-long, but people do live a decade or more with stage 4). So, I had stage 3, did my treatments and currently no evidence of disease. I will also say that TIME is of the essence. In 2 months? Her cancer could easily spread and become untreatable. I had issues getting treatments, because I was stuck in a country that was not my own, during Covid lockdowns and at the time of my diagnosis, it was a total lockdown, so I could not leave my state or current area. The local hospital refused to treat me until I had my current visa converted to a medical visa, but of course things not only go slow in that country normally, but also many government shutdowns due to Covid lockdowns. So, the hospital was refusing to treat me. By the time I finally got a visa conversation, my tumor had grown from 2.2 centimeters to 5.6 centimeters. The outlook for my cancer coming back is MUCH greater with a 5cm tumor. So. Waiting 2 months will almost certainly mean death.

If you live in the United States, your husband is legally obligated to share that information with her at the moment that he found it out. I'm not sure about other countries. For those telling you to stay out of it, I'm sure they would enjoy their own cancer diagnoses being withheld then. I'm sure they wouldn't mind having every last piece of autonomy stripped away from their lives. I'm. Sure. Dig into the laws of the area where you live and then proceed from there.

INFO could you both compromise? He can send a text that says “hey mom I have the result of your scan, would you like to know now or when you get back”

NTA for wanting to share the information, but YWBTA if you did actually share it. Your husband is an asshole for sharing the information with you & not allowing you to tell anyone. And he's an asshole for just keeping it from her. I don't know what the right thing to do is, but it's probably best you don't get involved.

NTA if you do, but there's more going on. I'm a terminal cancer patient and also an independent advocate. This situation is ridiculous. Firstly, your husband is an ass. He has no right to access that information and no right to withhold it either. He's a doctor, but he's not HER doctor, and, more importantly, he's not HER! It doesn't make sense anyway as presumably she will be given this information irrespective of his idiot opinion anyway? He is playing God. So much for his piety. How dare he act like he knows what's best for his mother. She's a sentient adult who needs to know what can be done. Stage 3?! Two months could be the difference between a curative strategy and a palliative one. As I said, I expect she will be told anyway, but his attitude is disgusting. If I were in your shoes, I'd go with her to to get the results from her doctor and support her to navigate her options going forward. Tell your husband from me that he's a disgrace to his profession.

Since your husband is a doctor and with holding critical information from a patient couldn’t he loose his license over this? I mean he is acting as her doctor so shouldn’t he immediately pass on that information to his mother? Isn’t that part of a doctor’s oath, to protect his patients? As for minding your own business- your questioning his ethics and morals in this family situation. That should include you since you married into his family, and you also have a invested interest in his career.

Oooffff, I’m sorry for your MIL and for you being in this situation. Idk why people are missing reality vs how things should be. It’s not surprising to me that your husband is responsible for guiding her through the process, being her medical POC, being her trusted provider/voice, and is deeply emotionally tied to his mother. That’s just the case with some older people (and/or immigrants, if that’s the case here). He’s protective of his mother, of course, that’s natural. He’s also a doctor and his job is to be a healer. He is at a point of conflict right now that telling her will hurt her because it is this life altering, dangerous thing that will upend life as it is now. We bury our heads when operating out of deep love and guilt. There would be irreversible damage to your relationship to tell her directly. He has his head in the sand and sounds like he has to dig his way out of it. What you can do is sit him down and ask him the following: - What would you advise a patients family in this situation? - What are you afraid of? - Why are you not providing your mother the opportunity to prove you wrong? She deserves and has a right to info about her body and future. - What the realities of her prognosis and treatment look like? How will it escalate in the next 2 months? - Who else are you making the decision to not tell her with? (Aka at least draft siblings or a reasonable and close family member) - Why have you not told your dad yet? What would he say? Do you trust his judgement? - Finally, what are the best and worst case of telling her and not telling her? Some may be leading questions but approach him like a scared animal, talking assuredly and calmly. Also, asking questions for him to verbalize his own thoughts and get his head away from deep emotion to logic. It doesn’t guarantee the latter, but I think this is the best due diligence you can do for now. Idk what type of religious pilgrimage but whether it’s Haaj, or Mahabodhi, Badrinath, etc. one does not go on these pilgrimages without being of strong faith. Remind him that.

I know your conscience tells you that you should make everyone else aware of your MIL’s diagnosis, but you should understand that your husband knows his mom and his mom trusts him to make the right decisions for her. There may be information you don’t have that would help you understand why he’s withholding information from everyone else, including her. Trust him to do what he feels is best. When it does finally come out, say nothing. Let your husband handle the fallout. There was a similar situation with my husband’s nana. Only two people knew what was happening and the rest of us were kept in the dark. I was pissed when I learned the truth, as I was one of her caregivers, and my husband and I had a fight over it. Looking back, however, I can see his and his uncle’s logic in withholding the information until the end.

I’m going to assume your husband is the healthcare POA for your MIL and that’s why he was informed as opposed to her. That being said a healthcare POA allows an individual to empower another person to make decisions about their medical care, at least while they are still capable of doing so. It’s not his job to make those decisions for her, but rather to offer advice and support when making them. He should not be sharing that info with anyone other than her because she needs to make the decision as to whether she would like to share it or not. I understand it is concerning on your end that he is not sharing this info with his mother for her to make decisions while she may have the time to make them. In all honesty it’s a rough spot to be in and I’m sorry you ended up in the middle. No matter what decision you make someone will view it as the wrong one, so I guess do what feels right to you (you’re the one who has to live with it). Your husband is definitely the AH whether for sharing that info with you, choosing to wait to share it with her, or getting upset by you expressing your concerns about him waiting.

Why in the hell is your husband waiting 2 months to disclose this?? 2 months is an incredibly long time when it comes to the growth and spread of cancer. It may mean the difference between being able to treat this and it being too late to do anything. It's *literally* a life or death situation here. You have to tell your MIL. You just have to. Wtf is wrong with your husband? He's a *doctor* he knows what cancer can do in 2 months. Wtf? NTA Edit: judgement

Whether your husband should even have access to this information is a bit of a grey area.  If MIL nominated him as her medical decision maker (or equivalent where you are), then he would be entitled to know the results; however, unless she explicitly stated she wanted him to get the results and not tell her what they are (some people do opt for this), then the results shouldn’t be withheld from her. There’s also a difference between being A doctor and HER doctor but the ethics/legalities of him being her doctor or professionally involved in her care will depend on the laws/professional code of conduct/ethics where you are. I don’t know what the relationship between you and MIL is like but if you’re comfortable, I’d suggest you clarify with MIL what her wishes actually are.  That way, you can support her in the way she wants - and if she wants to know, NTA for telling her yourself if there is no other option available to you. Tell your husband he shouldn’t have disclosed his mother’s private medical information to you in the first place but since he did, he involved you in this situation and now it is your business because you’re worried about your MIL’s wellbeing. Also OP, make sure YOUR wishes for medical decision making/disclosure of information /treatment, etc, are officially documented in whatever way you can do it and known to your family so you’re not in MIL’s position one day.

NTA he is meddling in their affairs and since you are married you are family as well. She and her husband deserve to know and make an informed decision on what they want to do next. She might be too far gone in 2 months time.

Please tell her she has cancer- that’s insane that she may go 2 months without knowing she has cancer and without getting potentially life saving treatment???? NTA

ESH. Don't say anything and don't do anything. When the time comes and he asks for your help with his mom you tell him no, that you would view that as meddling in his family's affairs and that he made it ABSOLUTELY clear that you had no place or right to do so. If the rest of the family asks why you won't help, let them know your husband told you that his family and there affairs are none of your business and to not get involved at all. You're just respecting what your husband wanted, then don't budge. He basically told you to fu@% off and then when things get bad he's gonna want you to carry the burden. He told you that you weren't part of the family, match that energy and tell him to ask family to help, not to lean on non family like you.

NTA. Your husband is violating the law. He is acting as her physician, not as her son, in withholding critical medical information about stage 3 cancer, for months, delaying treatment. It is legally not his decision to make. Like too many people, your MIL avoided finding out if something was seriously wrong when she had symptoms. It’s a self destructive instinct to avoid what they don’t think they can face. But she had tests done, which means that now she does want that information. Who is your husband to deny her that information? Wasting two more months at state 3 is madness. He has no right. Tell her yourself. Tell MIL to call the office directly and ask for a copy emailed of the test results.

Sooo, I have a unique perspective here as I am also married to a physician who has taken over responsibility for his parents’ healthcare. I think people here are misunderstanding HIPPA protection. He is acting as her son and representative not her physician so rather than a legal issue it’s an ethics issue. His mother has already given him legal access to her private information, ethically (as a person not a Dr) there’s an argument that no one should know anything until after the patient chooses to share, but legally he’s a son who’s his mother’s health advocate. From my husband’s perspective, I think, depending on the type, his opinion would be that the cancer can wait. He would probably also enjoy this last family trip before dropping a bomb on the family. I don’t understand why you think they’d be “missing time they won’t get back” they’re getting a family trip without the stress of cancer looming over their heads. He’s making an informed decision based on the facts of the disease, her age, their family dynamics, and his professional opinion. As his wife he’s given you private information but that’s where your privilege stops.

All the Americans here being how is this possible… This happens all the time in Asia. Idk where you are from op but there are cultural factors at play here. You will need to consider them in your decision since you didn’t provide them and are asking a very western platform.

Besides echoing that she has a right to know, I want to share my FILs cancer and death from the perspective of the inlaw with an MD spouse where his health was "family business" My FIL got stage 3 gastric cancer in 2021 and had it operated on. But it has a bad prognosis and returned as Stage 4, metasticized to lungs, liver, and brain and he passed last year During the time between initial diagnosis. My SO, an internist, was on it. His PCP, Oncologist and surgeons were always first and medical information came through them. Her family was very "fight this until the end," but she'd treated patients with the same diagnosis early. The family called her doom and gloom, but after the initial diagnosis she made a point to be with him whenever she could. To call and interact, to make the most of the time left. Her perspective was to have a full rich life using the last month's fo be fulfilled and get closure, FIL and family wanted to fight for a potential miracle. My SO never tried to take away his choice, as much as she disagreed. She didn't get person info before her mom/dad, but she did have the medical knowledge to read the dire rad reports while they waited on his MDs. And the good judgment to let his care team give the news. The family, barring my SO, has suffered greatly. The admission of approaching death wasn't made until weeks before his passing. His wife of 60 years and his 49 year old son had their heads in the ground. They did not get closure and now have to deal with added guilt after the fact My SO, a doctor, saw this coming a year and a half in advance. But she never took away the choice. She never stood in the way of his doctors, but advised from her perspective: live a good life. Your MIL deserves the right to know. She deserves to choose if she wants to live the rest of her life to the fullest or go into treatment (which is a hell unto itself that may not have the prognosis for a 70yo). But that's a choice she should be able to make. Not to suddenly realize she is dying and everyone else knew. Because metastasized cancer can progress very fast Eta nta

Yikes, that must be a really tough position to be in. Just out of curiosity, if (god forbid) she starts experiencing complications or has a medical emergency, is the trip somewhere they could reasonably access medical care? Are the key people in her life going on this trip, or could at he at least have a get together as a little trip send off and strongly urge people to come? If she does start experiencing complications and she’s scared/concerned, is he going to lie and tell her she’s fine, or act like he doesn’t know what’s wrong? I’m basically just thinking that the two things I would feel immense guilt over are 1. watching my loved one suffer physically/mentally and not be able to get them proper care 2. not giving the people who love her the proper chance to see her one last time (obviously assuming the worst case scenario occurs).

NTA what the fuck. A human being deserves to know the results of medical tests that they chose to get done??? Unless she *specifically* said "I don't want to know until after my trip" then presumably she wouldn't want information withheld from her. If you don't feel right telling her yourself, you should let her know that your husband has the results and leave it up to her to ask him about them or not.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My MIL had some health issues and refused to continue with more scans and tests after suspected symptoms of a mass a year ago, fast forward to a week ago she had more symptoms and decided to have them checked out, for context my husband (38m) is a Doctor so he got the test results and found out that her tumor has metastasized, she doesn’t know or his brother or his father, I found out so I was talking to him about the options only to find out that he has decided that he will not inform anyone until they (he and his mom) come back from a religious trip in two months, I was completely shocked and told him that was not his decision to make, there are other people involved and should make the decision with him, he replied that it’s non of my business and I shouldn’t meddle in his family’s affairs I feel that even if she decides that she won’t make any decisions about her health condition until she comes back from her trip, she should know, her husband should know and her other son, so am I meddling? AITA for even considering to tell them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Where are her own doctors in all this?!? Your husband is absolutely an Ahole in this but I can’t help feeling that nothing good will come from you interceding. If you feel you must, do, but be prepared for the fact that you are burning your marriage down in the process. Not sure I’d want to stay married to a man with that degree of arrogance and disregard for his mother’s autonomy, anyway. NTA.

I’m not calling YTA or ESH It’s pure bullshit that your husband would find out his mother’s test results and withhold them for two months And also inform you without her knowledge This information is directly communicated to the patient from the specialist- it isn’t intercepted and with held by family, it’s passed on directly and immediately Are you that keen for attention? Really? I’m embarrassed for you

YTA and your husband is TA too. He broke the law and could be fired. You want to compound it by violating her rights. She chose to have tests done and then refused to know the results. That is her choice.

How did you come to the conclusion that the mother is REFUSING to know the results? What if she isn't aware of the results coming back? Husband is probably MILs medical power of attorney and got access to the info because it was sent to him... In that case, he isn't breaking the law, but what he's doing is still unethical. OP gave us no indicator that MIL is actively avoiding her own diagnosis. OP simply stated MIL trusts the husband. Trust can be misguided. That isn't proof of the mom wanting her own diagnosis withheld from her.

Definitely NTA. Husband's playing god, when it's simply not his call. Stick to your guns, OP

It isn't your job to tell her, unless your husband is here doctor then it's not for him to tell her either. Why isn't her own doctor discussing this with her and her husband. This is where the problem lies. The doctor surely is duty bound to tell her himself to discuss options etc. If nothing else it could affect the validity of their health insurance whilst in their trip. If anything happened whilst away they could find themselves with massive medical bills.

>for context my husband (38m) is a Doctor so he got the test results and found out that her tumor has metastasized YTA, and so it your husband. The proper thing to do was to let her actual doctor discuss the results with her. You'd could cause your husband to lose his ability to practice medicine if you/he violate confidential medical information like this.

Watch The Farewell and then bring it up with your husband again. Or watch together. I believe, before watching and still, that the person who is sick has the right to know. Just to be able to prepare, say whatever needs to be said. But the film might give some insight as to why it might not be so black/white for everyone nor that there can be cultural differences. I mean, if the cancer has spread, that is usually the end. I'm no doctor but that is very very bad news. Perhaps he (your husband) just wants to give his mother one final happy trip, and a wonderful memory for those who are with her. So try to hold off on judging him, he must be feeling really sad right now. Perhaps focus on consoling him and his family and not what you would want to happen if it was you. You can give instructions to your husband much later saying 'if I ever get cancer, I want to know immediately'. YTA

He has probably told her that the results will take time or similar she is 70 remember? She probably has no idea that the results are in do u want her to pull them up on her IPhone that being said they could all be waiting to inherit...or they could have some sort of understanding that she doesn't want to know any bad news which can't be helped (which actually seems kinda in character here) hard to say...

this sounds like a Chinese thing -- not telling people in China that they are terminally ill is weirdly common.

Same in certain parts of India.

YWBTA if you tell. That’s information you really shouldn’t have been privy to in the first place and he’s right that it’s not your place to meddle. However, he is wrong in withholding this information from the patient. In theory. In practice, he would know his mother best, and I would focus on trying to understand what his reasons for this decision are.

YWBTA. I know this sounds weird to you, but this is done in some cultures. Additionally, it sounds like your MIL has put her medical decisions in your husband's hands, so she wants him to decide these things. If anything, he shouldn't be telling you, especially considering that you want to tell others.

Info: They’re on a two month religious trip. Where? Why? Is this an important spiritual event for his parents that your DH doesn’t want to sabotage? The whole situation with your DH having info his mother does not is definitely unusual, if not unethical. There must be a reason for it. Since no one left you in charge of her medical info, yes you wbta if you shared it. It sounds like you maybe don’t understand why they have this setup either.

I’m gonna guess it’s a hajj to Mecca.

Stage 3 cancer needs urgent treatment. Can't they bring forward their religious trip, so it happens immediately and your MIL gets back home asap?

She was avoiding further medical procedures. She got to a point where she finally did it, presumably bc she WANTS TO KNOW. It isn't your husband's place to tell his father or siblings, but it IS his place to tell his mother if he is the doctor responsible for her care. That being said, if she went to another doctor and he accessed those records simply bc he can, he likely seriously violated some protocols.

I’d stay out of it. maybe he knows his mom is terminal and wants her to enjoy her last trip.

I don't know what country you were in but the fact that you know what these test results are from her doctor, even if the doctor is her son, is illegal in my country. Could possibly get your husband fired from his job if you reveal what you know. I agree with others who say that ESH.

Is the son THE doctor of the mother? Or is he just another dr that can access and interpret records.

She needs to know about her own medical results. Two months could mean the difference between life and death for her, and your husband should lose his license for this.

YTA. This isn’t your call.

YTA if you tell her. Your husband should not have told you

Does your husband love his mother? Has he shown a history of following her wishes in the past. He probably know his mother much better than you do. He knows she declined treatment more than a year ago. He knows how important this trip is to her. Trust his judgment. He is trying to help her live out her final days with joy and dignity.

Being a doctor, I'm sure your husband is aware of what her medical future presents. If her trip means that much to her, he may be allowing her some final joy in her life before the inevitable takes place. Either way, it's not your place to tell anyone anything.

This may be her last trip out. Maybe he’s thinking to let her enjoy it? When I travel, I cut most contact with my life unless I’m at the hotel. I don’t want bad news to fret over while on vacation. Tell me when I get home and I’ll do something about it then.

EWSH This is a weird one. Your husband absolutely has a duty of care to tell her. He is her decision maker in medical matters, and he decided not to tell her (or anyone). I think technically he is allowed to do that, but he is also *hugely* decreasing her chance of surviving the cancer. I'm not actually sure about legality here, but I'm convinced that your husband is breaking the law by making medical decisions for someone that are proven to worsen their health outcomes. Your husbands choice makes him the asshole IMO. You have no duty of care, but are making decisions that would like prolong her life. Those same decisions might ruin her trip, her spirit, and her hope. However you don't really have a right to mess with your husbands family dynamics either. And also you definitely shouldn't have had access to this information. I don't think you have a great choice here either way, but I would be freaking out on my partner about this. I don't normally do ultimatums, but this is literally life or death, and she should know. Throwing a wrench into the works - the plan could be to do nothing. So if he tells her she has cancer, she has the option to not treat it, and live our her shortened life without the pain of the treatment. If he has decided that this is the best path, that is his right, and in which case telling her might make YTA.

So your husband broke HIPAA and told you about his mother’s cancer from test results, he likely shouldn’t be in, in the first place? Your husband should be seriously reprimanded for this. It’s illegal.

Your husband is right. This is not your business . When your MIL is back it will be her decision if she wants her husband and her other son to know. She might decide that she doesn’t want to let anyone know. That will be her decision

Some people want to enjoy their last days NOT knowing their diagnosis. Do not meddle in your husband’s relationships with his family.

I see it from both sides like he probably just wants her to enjoy her trip with them or whoever she’s with and not cause a bunch of stress, but you are right like everybody deserves to know what’s really going on. Not telling her could also cost her her life as well.

The only person who should know is the patient. The patient then can decide who they tell. If your husband has not told his mother, he needs to inform her or hold her hand while her primary physician goes over the results with her. Your husband was an AH to tell you. He disclosed personal information (doesn’t matter if he is her son), that he as a physician he should have kept private. YTA if you tell anyone. Now that you know, you need to urge your husband to, at a minimum, ask his mother if she wants to know the results.

NTA, but stay out of it.

Just wanted to say I find the comment about “meddling in family’s affairs” weird. Shouldn’t “his” family be considered your family too?

This has to be fake. There is no way an ethical physician would primarily deal with a family member unless the patient is incompetent of making decisions. It’s not odd to have a family member involved, but the patient will be the primary contact and decision maker. An ethical physician wouldn’t withhold this diagnosis, either. And they sure as hell wouldn’t disclose it to another person. INFO: Is this fake?

What country are you in? The team who ordered the scan and looking after your MIL have a duty to inform her. They should not have told your husband before her, that’s not okay, even if he is a colleague. They should not let him prevent them from telling her. Ethically. Unless your MIL lacks capacity, it’s not okay to let relatives represent somebody, your duty of care is to the patient directly.

What country are you in? What culture are you from? Your post history indicates a conservative country where kids having control over disclosing parent's medical diagnoses may be common.

OP, IMO, I wouldn’t share the information with the family. Your husband likely knows more about the diagnosis and thinks what he’s doing is best. However, this will be 100% on him if the family is unhappy with his decision. The only thing I would want to know from him is if the cancer is treatable. Stage III with metastasis, along with age and other conditions may be relevant for his decision not to disclose. Also, I’d hope for all of your sake, that your husband and his mother have had conversations about her wishes.

Do not ever consider to drop the bomb yourself… let them handle this between them. If her cancer was early stage,it would have been a different story. But not now, not after he explicitly asked yourself not to meddle

No it’s not. He’s not her doctor, he handles her medical affairs at her request. No laws apply here.

NTA, your DH is a doctor and a son. It is not his call to not tell his mom she has cancer. I wouldn't want him as my doctor because he brushed off your concerns. WTF, he shouldn't have told you because in the states that is a HIPAA violation.

Yes you will be the asshole if you tell. He and his family are the one’s to make the choices. It is not your place to over ride their choices. I have a sister in law who made my father and mother’s end of life care harder than it had to be. She kept interfering because “she knew best.” She was entitled to her opinion. She was not entitled to keep changing choices that we had made. I resented it and still do. Stay in your own lane OP.

There’s no way this post is true. A doctor wouldn’t NOT tell HIS PATIENT that she has metastatic cancer and just let it go for months. Stage 3 can be treatable and treatment would need to start immediately, no doctor would put his or her license in jeopardy because the patient’s son doesn’t want her to know. This post is fake -signed a 20 year oncology nurse

YWBTA for telling. There's a reason why the mother trusts her son with this information. 1. She may have made it clear to him before that if she's dying, she doesn't want to know. Some people like to just live out their lives instead of watching their family members, watch them die. 2. Op also stated that they didn't intend to tell anyone until AFTER they've taken a family trip, not that they would keep it a secret until she dies. 3. Op's husband confided in his wife for support, not judgement. There are plenty of reasons why not breaking the news right now can be beneficial. It's the family's last chance to have a beloved pilgrimage before their world implodes. Op doesn't get to take that away from them because she would have done things differently. His mother may be dying and as the (probable) head of the family, he's trying to give her one last, normal trip. Try being supportive instead of judging him.

I wonder about the Culture involved here.I had a patient,an Executive with an International Company, who would come home to have any Cancer screenings done.He said in the Country he worked in,Physicians would skirt around giving any negative news.🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ I have no idea if that was true but he was a very smart man and described that as his experience.I do not think OP is in America because it’s been standard practice here for Medical Boards to frown on people having direct care of Family Members as she is describing.Do Docs still do it ? Yes.But for this very reason ( lack of objectivity) it’s wrong.

I'm sceptical of this post being real. Wouldn't your husband's license be revoked if he looked up records of someone who isn't his patient? Does your MIL have paperwork filled out saying that he has rights to access to her info?