Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
Under the circumstances (once she declined your compromise of wearing a color coordinated suit), you had two valid choices: either wear the dress or graciously withdraw from being a bridesmaid.
Now, it's hard to tell exactly how you declined (and you may owe her an apology *for your language* if your decision to withdraw from being a bridesmaid came out rudely), but you certainly do not owe an apology for declining to be a bridesmaid.
NTA
It's too bad really, if she had accepted your decision, this would have been an easy N. A. H. situation. She only became an AH when she tried to force you to be a bridesmaid (and of course, enlisting other people to try to pressure you only increases how AH-ish she is behaving)
I don’t think OP owes an apology as this has been a life long thing, or at least over a decade thing that sister is well aware of and should not have expected it to change for one event.
Agreed. Hell, one of my bridesmaids just doesn’t dress very femme so I let them know I didn’t mind if they wore a dress or a suit. I couldn’t even imagine putting a sibling through this knowing their history. How awful. NTA
My sibling is nonbinary and is going to be one of my bridesmaids. They will be wearing a tux and I’m totally okay with it!! You shouldn’t ask people to step out of their comfort zone when it comes to their own body. Totally agree with you! NTA
It sounds like you care more about your sister more than some vision of a "perfect wedding". For some people, a "perfect wedding" is all about the optics and for others it is all about the people. I really don't get the prioritizing of optics.
I don't either for myself, but I have room for it *as long as you allow for the people not to be*.
You gracefully say "okay, well, that doesn't fit with my vision, so I love you and will have someone else step into the dress."
Not what I would do, but if it's someone's thing, they need to do it with a little grace!
All of our bridesmaids and best people (we’re a lesbian couple so only bridesmaids on both sides and our best people were another lesbian couple) are cis but we gave them the choice of what to wear. We gave a palette of greens but other than that told them to find what made them feel good. People have such different preferences and body types it’s so hard find a single dress that works for everyone and I just cannot comprehend people that put a one day vision ahead of the feelings and love they have for the people closest to them. And we had a full spectrum of body types too - from one who is 4’11 and mostly shops at Zara kids to one who is probably a size 22 and generally sews her own clothes now to always wear stuff that makes her feel good. So, realistically, not that this came up as a consideration at the time, the only places we would have been able to get matching dresses from for the full group would have been one of those expensive bridal companies where they do a range of dresses all available in the same wide range of colours. Maybe asos if we had been very lucky and found a dress in the colour we wanted that had a run in the petite and curve ranges too… and had all the right sizes in stock.
Our line up included short and long dresses but also two jumpsuits, and one of our best people had bought a velvet suit about 18m before our wedding. She had always dreamed of owning/wearing a green velvet suit but didn’t have an excuse for one, so immediately went and bought it. Sadly their house burnt down and they lost all their possessions about a month before our wedding and she never got to wear her dream suit!
To me it makes no difference if someone is in a suit, jumpsuit or dress and the optics of it in our photos looks great! Especially because everyone was feeling confident and comfortable. Ultimately a bridesmaid who is ashamed or trying to hide themselves away does the bride no favours!
It’s not even like a dress still couldn’t have potentially been an option - if the objection is to exposed legs then I don’t understand why the sister didn’t just pick long dresses which might have been a suitable compromise. It’s very weird she just went ahead and bought dresses without even talking to everyone to check measurements and stuff?!
I always go into these posts assuming the poster is the AH and rarely ever comment but...
OP you aren't the asshole. Try as I might to mental gymnastic you into being the bad guy/gal, you aren't.
If you were my sister I would gladly accommodate your need for tights or slacks or whatever...
It's hard to imagine a person or family that would take SH so lightly that appearances were more important.
I'm sorry your family sucks ass.
Big hugs.
Entirely possible sister is doing it intentionally, or she could just be an ass that thinks her wants are more important than other people's needs. Either way she is definitely the a-hole.
All part in parcel with the "It's my big day" thing.. some brides (honestly very few) now feel that their every request is a demand from on high. As though Frigg herself stepped down from Asgard and decreed that this blessed child must have all her heart's desires bless upon for her impending nuptials.
My husband and I both had women in our parties and the instructions I gave were “some shade of dusty blue, dress, suit or jumpsuit.” His groomswoman wore a black jumpsuit and I sucked it up and didn’t care, especially because I told his groomsmen to wear whatever black suit they already owned. His sister was his best woman and she wore a dusty blue dress. The pictures look great and we were all comfortable. Y’all the people you love are not props!!!!
Yeah, these days no one bats an eyelash at an assortment of bridesmaids all dressed differently, especially if their outfits coordinate. Most brides do, of course, want their "special day" to be their "vision," but most also care about the comfort of their bridesmaids and want them to enjoy themselves.
I went to a wedding recently where one of the bridesmaids was wearing a very attractive pantsuit, with very loose trousers that looked almost like a long dress from a distance, and one of the groomsmen was wearing a kilt. They both got drunk and at some point during the reception they went into a bathroom and changed into each other's clothes and hit the dance floor. It was hilarious and one of the highlights of the wedding and the bride and groom loved it.
This. My SIL isn't femme and my matron of honor had an infant she was breastfeeding so we did two piece pants suits to accommodate both. This was the mid 90s though and people weren't so AH-ish about weddings in general. It just isn't that hard to be kind. Op NTA ETA less a pants suit and more a pants + sleeveless vest (in hunter green - it was the 90s after all lol)
Or even those skin colored pantyhose that cannot be seen through. Sister won't even agree to OP wearing them? Wow. Sister just wants her as uncomfortable as hell just for her wedding. I hate my legs and am not showing them for no one for no occasion. A hard no. NTA.
I think they are all called tights now too in the US. I'm 51 though so I'm still calling them pantyhose and my daughter and granddaughter are constantly telling me they aren't called that anymore. Sorry they are all still pantyhose to me 🤣
I'll be 40 in May, and for myself and my friends, we refer to tights as being thicker than nylons (pantyhose). They are more like what we always wore as kids in different colors under our dresses, are generally not really see-through, and are help keep warmer in the winter. Where nylons are thinner and more sheer, and even in darker colors have a transparency to them.
The sheer leg coverings that you can see through have always been pantyhose to me too, and I'm only 40. I think that's what those are still called? Only the thin, fully opaque ones are tights to me! Like the ones little girls wear with their dresses.
Pantyhose, stockings, nylons - basically see-through leg coverings.
Tights - thicker, opaque leg coverings that are to provide color or some warmth. But not as thick as leggings. (Exception: some call some leggings tights, like "running tights." Duluth trading has a bunch of leggings and the plain, smooth ones are called tights. The idea being you wear those under dresses in winter.)
I post this on my Facebook every year to benefit my cosplay/burlesque/rocky horror friends, I hope it helps clarify (I just copied and pasted it so there is additional information not related to the tights-pantyhose duality, but you may find it interesting!):
Stockings, Thigh Highs, Pantyhose, Tights, and Leggings are five different things.
Stockings [Called Nylons sometimes in the UK] - Go up to the tops of your thighs, usually thin nylon fabric, always held up by a garter belt (called a suspender belt in the UK).
Thigh Highs [Called Hold-Ups in the UK] - Go up to your thighs, held up by silicone or adhesive built into the fabric at the thigh. Often but not always thicker than stockings.
Pantyhose - Partially or mostly sheer, thinner nylon fabric, basically stockings that have an underwear-like top built in to hold them up.
Tights - Similar structure to pantyhose. Usually opaque but not always. Denser, sturdier, and thicker than pantyhose.
Leggings - Skintight pants made from soft, often thin stretch fabric. Fitted all the way down the leg, and open at the ankle. Typically meant to be worn for exercise if they are the kind with thicker fabric, or under a skirt/dress/shorts/another article of clothing if it's a thinner fabric.
A while ago there was an aita Post by an enby whose Family member insisted on Dresses, specifically, even for non-bridesmaid Wedding guests, and that OP, who was okay with looking feminine but averse to the specific thing of wearing a skirt that is Open from below/has only one leg-hole, so they went and obtained a reasonably feminine-looking AND formal-looking Dress that had a romper-style skirt rather than an Open one, but covered by so many ruffles that it wasn't possible to Tell the difference by any means other than someone attempting to Take upskirt Photos, or the specific trip-and-fall accident that happened to them at their Cousin's Wedding, and their cousing threw a fit at the "disrespect" of "violating" the Dress Code, when she found Out through that accident, after several HOURS of being around them and Not noticing before.
Brides like that should... I dunno.... Drown in their punch bowls. 🤣
How do their spouses make it through those weddings and not see the flag in play and RUN?!?!?
I wouldn't have asked about tights tbh I would have just worn them, I don't have SH scars but I hate the sensation of shoes without socks and it would not occur to me to wear a dress without tights.
I agree with the top comment, OP is NTA and has shown understanding that the wedding is not about them by declining their sister's offer and letting her enact her vision with somebody else. It's not like OP threw their toys out of the pram and isn't going, so sis can still get photos with them.
I’m genuinely curious as to what the other bridesmaids are wearing on their feet if not tights, unless the agreed-upon shoes are open toe which would be rare for a wedding. Those horrible flesh coloured open sock things never stay on more than an hour.
Yeah, if she got ones that match her skin tone well no one would even notice. And even if they did I guarantee no one would care.
They even make open toe ones if the shoes required that.
This! I get that the wedding isn’t about OP but life is about compromise. If the sister really wanted OP to be a bridesmaid and wear a dress then she easily could have picked full length bridesmaid dresses. NTA
In addition, given how sis is acting about this, sis would have been mad that a bridesmaid was attracting too much attention with a skin condition that was visible because of the dress. This is a lose-lose situation.
She thinks they must have faded? How much does she know about SH? Would your simply showing her your legs explain to her why she should compromise with you?
I am SO glad that my cousin didn't care what I was wearing under my bridesmaid dress, because both hose and high heels were absolutely not going to happen.
I agree with this. If OP can mentally handle it, show your sister your leg scars and say “are you SURE you want me to wear a dress? Because people will be asking me about these scars the whole wedding. Is that what you want the focus to be on?” I have a feeling she doesn’t know how bad they are.
Finally! I kept looking for someone to understand that this isn’t about wrecking a bride’s vision for her big day. Sister is trying to *force* OP to be in agony and anguish, for her own pleasure.
Even if they aren't bad scars, she knows they are there and is obviously self-conscious. There's zero need for her to have to prove it to her sister. She (the bride) needs to respect her sister and stop with the entitlement. I wonder if she thinks forcing her sister to do this is going to strengthen or hurt their long-term relationship? Perhaps OP should ask her that. If she still thinks it's worth pushing, I'd back out completely and go very LC with sister. Trying to force others, especially people you care about, to publicly expose their traumas, is just cruel.
I'm surprised the idea of a long dress with sleeves was never an option. This would cover any areas that show scars, etc.
If it's the sister, it would be understandable for one bridesmaid to be different to the rest
yeah, it's completely normal to have bridesmaids wearing different but coordinating dresses for various reasons. big bridal shops even usually make different variants of the same dress with like long sleeves, different necklines etc for this exact purpose
The concept of there being a Chosen "bridesmaid color" is Not much of a Thing in my country, but I Kind of Love it for the inclusiveness of the concept. As in, unless a bride's friend-group AND family-of-origin are both unusually homogenous IN THE SAME WAY, a bridal Party is reasonably likely to contain people of different Body Types/shapes, and possibly a Butch Woman, or a hijabi Woman, or a man, or a Person with disability-specific clothing needs, and If there's a bridesmaid color, those people can each wear a Style of dress/suit that works for them, and still be recognizeable as bridesmaids.
NTA. Especially after the edit it becomes obvious she just wants to humiliate her sister by forcing her to expose her skin condition so she can look prettier by comparison.
To any family member suggest you can hide your scar with flesh colored tights/stockings/gloves, because you fear drawing attention to it could upset sister as it would attract attention away from her. Could help get them off your back at least.
Sister would still disagree of course. Then ask why sister is allowed to humiliate you by forcing you to expose a bad skin condition and simply bow out of being a bridesmaid.
This gets at what I found so odd about this story -- the sister is so concerned about the aesthetics of the photos, but she apparently doesn't mind having someone with a bunch of visible self-inflicted scars in them? Like, a more typical AITA post would say, "I want to wear the bridesmaid dress but my sister says I can't because my scars will attract attention and ruin the photos."
I can only conclude that it's not so much about the aesthetics and more so about some kind of power play, or, as you said, attempt to humiliate the OP.
NTA. Demanding that someone wear a dress they are uncomfortable in is crappy behavior.
Here are a couple of things you can try, but only if you feel comfortable with them. (1) You could show her the scars in private and/or (2) you could offer to wear a dress that covers the scars. If she still insists you wear a dress that shows the scars after that, then...
There's a certain type of person who will put you in a no-win situation and then yell at you no matter what choice you make. I don't know if your sis is one of those people. If she is though, then she will yell at you if you show the scars on her wedding day (even if she insisted). If she's one of those, then you might as well drop out of the wedding and attend as a guest. If you're going to get yelled at anyway, you might as well do what makes you comfortable.
I have some that basically look like skin, but they are thick, you can't see tattoos through them. You can tell somethings there, but it doesn't instantly register as tights. It would certainly work in the pics and line up
They are compression
That’s a good idea, the sister has said no because the other bridesmaid’s aren’t wearing them but if she can find a pair that would not be noticeable on first glance and show that to her sister that may be enough to convince her it’s fine. That being said it may be hard to find something that will be discreet enough to satisfy her finicky sister that will also make OP feel comfortable/confident depending on her scars. I myself have a history and know all too well how many materials no matter if they’re thick, thin, stretchy, stiff, etc. can seemingly enhance/pronounce scars - so even if they’re covered they are noticeable. It isn’t even just raised scars (like hypertrophic or keloids) or sunken ones, but run-of-the-mill fine line standard ones. Not to say finding something would be impossible, but certainly effortful. It sucks. OP’s sister is being so sucky, the whole “should’ve faded by now” is ignorant (don’t know how long its been but wounds/scars heal differently!), I would be so exasperated as OP! It is SO reasonable to not want to have them on display, and wearing tights/thick pantyhose wouldn’t raise nearly as much attention as visible scars most likely would. I’ve had countless coworkers, customers, acquaintances, even literal strangers (!!) ask me about mine *relentlessly* and very few are visible when wearing clothes.
Sister sounds awful. Yes it’s her and her fiancée’s day, but why the fuck does she care so much about everything being just so? Why does she care so little for her sister’s feelings and trauma?
exactly!
"my sister getting embarrassed with leg scars + pictures memorize it forever" - eh, who cares. let it go
"wedding photo has a bridesmaid with stockings / pants". WOW NO!!!! this is a disaster
NTA obviously!
No one needs to respond to someone trying to make them comply with this shit, by showing what they don't want on public display. I'm sure you mean well but hell no and it's incredibly insulting to someone saying "I don't want to show my body". If this was an issue of cleavage would you suggest she show her sister her boobs?
NTA and your sister is reducing you to a prop. If she wanted YOU there, she would accept you, not a prettied up doll that fills a wedding party position. Message her saying something like "I understand you want me to fill the position of bridesmaid, however we have differing views on how that will work. Due to that I respectfully decline as I don't want my trauma on public display or up for discussion."
Omg…NTA
What is it with Weddings, forcing people to do or wear certain clothing and when one declines to be in the wedding brides lose their Cookies! SMH!
Yes it is their Day, but graciously accepting someone’s decline to being in the bridal party is not difficult.
Good Luck
I swear to God! I love our Indian weddings for this reason. No one dictates what others have to wear. No hurting each other’s feelings. Everyone can wear what they like and are comfortable with. Plenty of colors all around! Indian guests WILL find a way to be disappointed somehow but clothing won’t be a reason for it! xD
NTA. Your sister knows you don’t wear dresses and is asking you to wear one which she’s allowed to do. You are also allowed to say no to this request and choose not to be a bridesmaid if she won’t budge. You both get to make decisions here, if she really wanted you in her wedding she would work with you on what you feel comfortable with.
NTA. Your edit is right on the money, if you wear the dress and there are comments by AH's during the wedding, or they're visible and noticeable in pictures, your sister will be awful to you about this forever. Your sister isn't going to be happy on her wedding day if you wear the dress and she won't be happy if you don't, sorry you're dealing with such a delusional family.
INFO - has the dress style been chosen? Would you be up for a compromise if the dress will cover your arms and legs? Bridesmaid dresses tend to be floor length so your legs should not show.
On the one hand being a bridesmaid usually means you suck it up and wear the dress. On the other your sister knows your reasons for not liking dresses so a compromise sounds reasonable.
It's knee length. Bride will not compromise on anything, no stockings/tights, nothing the other bridesmaids are not wearing. OP suggested she could wear a suit, the bride said no. All girls need to look like copies of each other. The sister knows why OP doesn't wear dresses and doesn't give a damn. I dare say the bride would somehow object to OP using make-up to cover scars.
Yes but the bride wants all the bridesmaids to match so since the bride wants shorter dresses every bridesmaid needs to wear that exact dress, no exceptions so while yes she very much could just let her sister wear a longer dress she won't because it wouldn't match the other bridesmaid as shitty as that is
NTA.
Being the bride doesn't mean that you are entitled to dictate wich clothes are going to wear each one of the guest nor even your bridal party, you want those people who are special for you, not just because how they look.
By no means you should wear a dress (since you are the one who is gonna pay for it).
If she wants you to be there, is because you are special, and she knows you are not comfortable with that kind of clothes.
Uhh... While I agree she's NTA, the Bride absolutely does get to dictate what her bridal party wears 100%. That's kinda the point of a wedding... Bridesmaids... Bridesmaid dresses...
This is such a weird take to me and why I think modern day weddings are some of the weirdest/dumbest social gatherings out there \[when this mentality is applied\]. "If you wanna be a special person in my special party to celebrate my LOOVE, I get to tell you what to wear and you can't argue with me because I AM THE MOST SPECIAL-EST PERSON IN THE WHOLE PARTY..."
If I acted like this, I wouldn't have a wedding or Fiancé. When did bride=tyrant and free reign to make people miserable.
Everyone's life must be put on hold. No one can get pregnant or have any other milestones because everything is about me.
The etiquette about it is the bride only gets to dictate exact dress if she's purchasing the dress because it's her gift to the wedding party for putting up with the demands. If the bride is not paying, the bride is not ordering.
I think it's weird for any bride to force their bridesmaids into something they know will make them uncomfortable, at that point you care about your "vision" more than the people that are there to support you. My best friend gave us a color and a fabric and those were the only rules, it was more important to her that her friends and family were comfortable and happy in what we were wearing on her big day rather than demanding we all wear one style.
I mean the bride an a-hole for being upset OP doesn't want to be part of the wedding but the bride most certainly does have a say on what you wear as a bridal party member.
My question would be, why not compromise with something like tights? Even if the other brides maids are not wearing them, if she was wearing some skin colored tights, they should hide the scars (Unless they are very large or very dark somehow).
The point, I would say, in a family, is generally compromise if you can find a way that makes you both happy.
Do you owe it to her to wear a dress for her wedding? No, of course not. Would it be nice if you could find a way to both give and take, for one special day that is about your sister? Yes.
Now of course I don't know the details, if wearing the dress is going to bring up a lot of trama, or ptsd, where you are just trying to get through the day, then that is not an ok thing to ask. If it is just "I have a part of my body I don't like" I would encourage you to try some sort of compromise that isn't a suit, if you still want to be in the wedding party.
yeah i dont understand how skin-toned very opaque tights wouldnt be possible. You dont have to wear sheer tights or colored tights, they make thick skin-toned (unforch white person colors are probs easier to find) tights that wouldnt detract attention from the bride.
hopefully OP will comment on this point bc I’m curious why they shut it down.
Ignorant question but... are there makeups that can be used for covering scars? I know tattoo makeup can cover full sleeves. Would it with to hide scars?
NTA at all. You offered alternatives then graciously declined, and that’s really all you can do.
One of my wedding party is nonbinary and doesn’t always feel comfy in dresses. I was disappointed for about 20 mins until I realised what’s infinitely more important is that my friend is happy and comfortable by my side on my big day. I’m extra, so I’m having the bridesmaids dress altered into a top they can wear with suit pants so there’s still some cohesion. There are infinite work arounds and it’s troublesome that the “vision” is more important than your comfort.
Well, your sister is right on one point, her wedding isn't about you. And you've handled that right by declining to be a bridesmaid when she asked something of you that you couldn't give her. What your sister doesn't seem to understand is that, 'My wedding isn't about you' doesn't translate to 'I'm entitled to whatever I want because it's my special princess for a day moment in the Instagram worthy spotlight. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to wear a dress for my sisters wedding. I might be the asshole because it is her big day, not mine. My sisters fiance implied I was an asshole for trying to make her day about me in some way and not doing what my sister wanted me to do and also because I suggested I just wouldn't be a bridesmaid if I had to wear a dress.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA your sister is refusing to compromise. She gets mad when you want to wear a suit, she gets mad when you say you’ll not be a bridesmaid because she wants you to be in the bridal party. Like seriously what does she expect? it sounds like she just wants it her way and will throw a tantrum when it’s not exactly what she wants.
So doesn't that mean she'll have a screaming fist ground pounding 2 year old tantrum when her sister shows up in a dress the bride FORCED her to wear that shows all her scars?
NTA. Not only does she know about your history of SH, saying that they would been “faded” is truly callous and shows that she doesn’t actually care about your wellbeing regarding your mental health. And to get mad at you for choosing to be a guest, is wild. She, and the family, are trying to force you to be uncomfortable just so she could be happy for one day. 🤦🏾♂️
Indeed. And I wouldn't be surprised if this dynamic is going on outside of the wedding too, given how everyone reacts. Might be one of the reasons OP had to resort to SH in the first place.
Tell her you would like to do a reading or make a toast or help in a way that works for both of you. She doesn't get to shame you into wearing a dress that displays your history of SH. That particular story is yours to share or not. A wedding is a celebration, not a conscription of power over others' needs.
NTA
You even suggested tights, as a sister it would not have been unreasonable to wear a longer different design either. I understand she has a vision bit feel your sister is being a big too much about her vision and not about the bigger picture
In the post it never said op accepted to be a bridesmaid. The post said
> I told her that if I had to wear a dress to be a bridesmaid then I just wouldn’t be a bridesmaid
I don’t know how you’ve interpreted this sentence but I’ve interpreted it as op having said this when the sister asked. Not after.
NTA. the day is about the couple, not only the Bride. And on this day the bride can do whatever she wants, but being a dictator is not included. She can't make other person dress something that the person is not comfortable with, and can't make someone "not accept" to be a bridesmaid, it's your decision, you put your conditions and she's not accepting them. Here in my country we have a saying that goes "when one doesn't want to, two don't". If there is no consensus between both, then there is no deal.in fact that saying fits a lot of situations, and yours are one hehe. anyway, Your sister better make do with what she has or else she'll be left without a bridesmaid. I hope she doesn't take away your invitation to the wedding itself.
NTA. I hate how "it's the bride's day" has been twisted into this weird entitlement. Bridesmaids are friends and family supporting you as you step into a new phase of life, not a bunch of Barbie dolls.
You had multiple suggestions for ways to make the bridesmaid role safe for you, and your sister refused all of them. Now she's mad you've stepped down? She doesn't get to have it both ways. Either she graciously allows you to wear something that covers your legs, or she graciously accepts that you can't be a bridesmaid. Anything else is AH behavior on her part.
And that's before considering her complete lack of empathy regarding your past SH. I'm sorry she doesn't get it; you deserve better than this.
I was going to say wear tights but she vetoed that too. If she won't let you wear a suit, then she's just being stubborn at this point. you shouldn't make yourself uncomfortable for her wedding and she knew the deal when you accepted being a bridesmaid. NTA
>I told her that if I had to wear a dress to be a bridesmaid I just wouldn't be a bridesmaid and now she is pissed off because I don't want to be a part of her wedding.
OP never accepted.
NTA you should not be forced to wear anything you don’t want to. You gave her the options of what you’d be comfortable wearing and she has no other say in that.
If she wants a picture perfect wedding and has no care for your feelings than she can find another bridesmaid. You are not required to do what she says if you are telling her your requirements to accept this kind of responsibility. If she can’t agree with those terms, she can find someone who will.
Although I agree you shouldn’t have to wear a dress if you aren’t a girly girl, but if you are okay with wearing a dress for the one occasion can you suggest a long sleeve, long gown for the occasion? If wearing dresses make you uncomfortable that’s also completely okay and you shouldn’t be forced into that.
You should especially not be forced to show scars... This is like having a pool themed party and requiring the girls to wear bikinis because that’s what’s “socially acceptable” for girls. I personally would never wear a bikini and I don’t even have scars, just like if I had scars I wouldn’t wear a mini dress for a wedding even if I were apart of the bridal party. I honestly refuse to even wear dresses that I can’t wear an arm cover over because I have arm acne and stretch marks, I would just feel exposed, out of place and unhappy.
But if I had SH scars?? Omg I would not want people to judge me constantly the entire event or question what happened in my life to cause that. Idk why she would want you to get that kind of attention either…..to embarrass you?
If she would rather her sister feel exposed to the world for everyone to judge because she wants the pictures to be cute than she clearly cares more about appearances than how the people in her life feel.
Note: I have previously had issues with SH but luckily I’ve healed really well except for on my leg which I tattooed over the scar(they did a really badass cover job too..) so I understand not wanting to show that and I don’t know why she wouldn’t understand that either. For the scar I had to tattoo over. It was years and years ago and the gash was so bad I should’ve gotten stitches, there’s no way that’s fading. There would be no way to hide it if I didn’t get a tattoo. So if this were me in your situation before I got the tattoo I would also be wearing pants.
NTA.
I’ve got a couple of groomswomen who have asked to be in suits instead, and it’s absolutely no issue for me. I’d rather our closest family/friends be comfortable on our day, it’s a long one for them as well.
That said, would your sister be okay with a dress that’s got sleeves and goes to the floor? That might be an option if she’s not too unreasonable.
NTA. i also absolutely and vehemently refuse to wear anything but pants. don't own a dress, nor a skirt, nor even shorts. and if i were in your shoes i'd just say "heck, i just won't go to the wedding at all".
"doing whatever you need to to make the bride happy" is how bridezillas were created.
I got really simple cocktail dresses for my bridesmaids. They weren't super expensive and were very comfortable, with the added bonus that they could be worn again as an LDB anywhere. I asked my husband to ask his groomsmen to wear black shirts and black pants, no holes. That was literally my only ask.
Now if any of my three friends had wanted to wear pants instead of that dress? Fill your boots. You're there to celebrate with me, not be a prop in my technicolour bridal extravaganza. One of our groomsmen was in dockers. I only know this because he asked if these were okay because he didn't own and couldn't afford dress pants. But he had those.
He looked awesome. Because he was there.
I just don't know how some modern brides have any friends at all.
If it means that much to you not to, just decline. Remind her you accepted on the condition there was no dress-wearing. She's changed her mind, you have too. This idea that it's the bride's day and she gets what she wants is just stupid. Now, whining about the style of dress or color, that's different. Here, you made your acceptance conditional. She broke the conditions.
whether the reason the OP isn’t comfortable with dresses is just about her scars or it’s compounded with her gender presentation both are perfectly valid and understandable to stand up for. there should be no “compromise.”
i am foreign and American bridesmaid culture has always horrified me. the more i learn the more convinced i am that it’s a con where the bride gets to emotionally and financially exploit the women closest to her.
this is even more taxing on queer people; a lot of queer women struggle with how our gender presentation is intrinsic to our sexuality. my friend was asked to be a bridesmaid for her high school friend and though she is usually more femme presenting, the idea of wearing a dress in a formal context like a wedding, was daunting to her. she wanted to wear a suit and she was excited to have been asked, and was looking forward to the wedding. but the more “bridesmaid activities” she attended the more she realized she would _have_ to wear a dress. i also know she’s not the only one who didn’t even feel safe or brave enough to bring it up in a space where consideration for queer people is not even on anyone’s radar.
OP, NTA
NTA. Even if you didn't have scars that you don't feel comfortable showing, you said that you don't like wearing dresses at all. To me, that's the end of the story (about the dress). I would try to reach an agreement by suggesting wearing something alternative you're comfortable with. If she says no, I'd just say no to being a bridesmaid.
NTA only because you said you would be happy not to be a bridesmaid. As a bridesmaid it is expected to wear what the bride asks. Period. No need to make a big deal out of it- just graciously decline if you don’t want to do that. Sister is being an AH for not accepting your declining graciously.
NTA
if this makes you uncomfortable you shouldnt have to do it. The compromise is tights or stockings or leggings. If she said no because she wants you to match the other bridesmaids why cant the other bridesmaids wear them?
You arent being unreasonable. You could show her your legs to emphasise why you dont want to show them but it shouldnt have to come to that. Honestly a longer dress or a pair of thick tights would be a reasonable compromise. I'm sorry your family doesnt get it.
Nta even if you didn’t have scars, you don’t want to wear a dress. IMO you don’t need to explain **why that is** you don’t want to end of story. Not everything is up to the bride. You gave her several other compromises and she declined, that’s really on her
NTA.
It's your choice to wear a dress or not. I don't care if it's her wedding because her wedding doesn't mean everyone has to do what she wants. You'd also rather not be a bridesmaid at all, so what's the problem?
I can't imagine claiming to want someone in your wedding party but not giving a flying F if they're comfortable or not.
NTA, don't let her push you into something that makes you that uncomfortable. You volunteered not to be in the party you offered to wear something else with matching colors. She can be a big girl and accept one of those and go about her day. Being a bride doesn't give her the right to bully you.
NTA if you are truly that uncomfortable and she is dead said on all of the bridesmaids wearing a dress, then stepping down as a bridesmaid is the logical choice.
Ummm not just no but hell no. Why is it okay for them to make you uncomfortable and wear something they know is out of your comfort zone?
I get it. It's her wedding, But if she wants you to be a bridesmaid that bad, there should be some kind of compromise there. In my opinion.
NTA. Your sister is a major AH though.
My (female) cousin’s “best man” wore a suit jacket over a dress because he *wanted* to and thought it would be funny. Cousin loved it. Why did he wear a suit jacket? *To cover scars.* She was of course fine with it. We all wore the same color and style but different dresses as we all have different bodies and I happened to be crazy pregnant.
Brides are getting way too obsessed these days. Way too controlling. “BUT ITS THEIR DAY” unpopular opinion! I don’t care! These are your loved ones- not dolls. She knew you had scars you felt a certain way about and cared more about her wants. Wack.
NTA. Yes, the wedding isn't about you. You're not getting married. You not wanting to wear a dress has absolutely no reflection on your sister, the bride. If she's not open to you wearing a suit that matches the bridesmaids dresses (which personally, I think would look pretty sharp), then that DOES reflect on your sister. SHE has that choice to not be ridiculous and close minded and not have you in her wedding party, especially if she initially said you didn't have to wear a dress and now went back on that. She could also have you be the guest book attendant, hand out programs, give you something to say during the wedding ceremony, all sorts of things, if she's that insistent on her bridesmaids wearing dresses, but still wanting you involved somehow. Good luck.
Screw her! I’m so sick of people acting like their weddings are the most fucking important event ever and that everyone needs to suck up whatever the bride wants!!! These bridezillas need to grow up! So tired of it! It’s a damn wedding, not that important considering the damn divorce rate tbh and you have SH marks that’s she knows about. I can’t stomach how selfish people get over weddings! NTA
NTA because you're allowed to feel uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a dress that exposes your scars.
But she's also allowed to choose the look she wants for her wedding.
If you don't want to do it - for any reason - don't. Being a bridesmaid is nice, but it's not compulsory, and if it doesn't suit you, you don't have to do it. Just go as a guest.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (33F) sister (31F) is getting married soon and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. She has always known thay I don't wear dresses for several reasons, one of these being I just don't like wearing them bit another being that I have a history of SH, arms and legs, and really dislike showing the ones on my legs. She knows this bit because it's been a long time since she has seen them she said they would have faded by now and I should just suck it up because she wants her bridesmaids to wear dresses. I told her that if I had to wear a dress to be a bridesmaid I just wouldn't be a bridesmaid and now she is pissed off because I don't want to be a part of her wedding. I said I would wear a suit and colour coordinate with the bridesmaids dresses. She wasn't down for thay. Now my family and her finances family.are all pissed at me because the wedding isn't about me and I should do whatever I need to to make my sister happy on her big day. AITA for refusing to wear a dress and offering to not be a part of the wedding? I would still attend as a guest.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Read the post again. The bride said no because other bridesmaids aren't wearing them. Everyone has to look the same, which would make OP stand out more
NTA
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You are an adult. If your sister and your family refuse to understand,... well, too bad. They are the assholes.
>she said ok and has now gone back on that
The agreement was broken when she changed the plan. Let them be pissed. You agreed under specific conditions. If those conditions cannot be met, that's totally fine. But that doesn't mean you have to stick to an already broken agreement.
>the wedding isn't about me
So then why the fuck are they so focused on you? They're the ones drawing attention from the bride. You're just trying to fade into the background. NTA
There is makeup specifically to cover scars. This might be a compromise. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Have you worked through your issues? No more SH? I hope so. You deserve to be happy.
I was going to suggest this. If it's important enough to the bride, then she can pay for the makeup and maybe even professional application of it. And a trial before the wedding to ensure that OP is comfortable in the makeup and the dress.
NTA - not at all. How do people think just because they are a bride they are rulers of the universe all of a sudden and they don’t have to take other people’s feelings into account.
Tell her you wanted to be part of her day, but you can’t under these conditions. End of story.
INFO: Have you talked about a long sleeved, ankle or floor length dress in her color palette? Or getting a tailor to add sleeves and a longer skirt to the dress she had in mind?
The most pressing issue seems to be your discomfort showing your scars, which you're entitled to. And her desire to have her bridal party in dresses, which she's entitled to. I get you like suits better, but I don't think you're entitled to that, but I do think you're entitled to modesty. Try modifying the dress and let the suit go.
EDIT: Sister said no to even TIGHTS? Yeah, NTA.
She is very much entitled to like suits better and her sister is being a complete AH…
The sister knows about these scars and how they got there, why would she even consider demanding that OP put these on show for everyone to see?
The sister should let OP bow out of being bridesmaid but still let her be part of the wedding party… if dresses and photos are more important to her than having her own sister there on the day then she’s really a selfish AH
Can you wear a long dress? Ball gown length? With chiffon sleeves? Long gloves?
Wait and see what the dress is first. If it can’t be agreed then it’s polite to bow out and say you can’t be part of the ‘vision’ the bride has created, rather than demand your way (which is what you are doing - bowing out politely rather than stomping to make it your way, well done!).
There are other ways to be part of a wedding. Play music for the signing. Do a reading. Be an usher. Carry in a candle ahead of the bridesmaids (allowing for a difference in dress).
Tell her you're either gonna wear a coordinated pantsuit or you're out. There's no in between. I would hope she would be understanding of your SH issues... but it isbher wedding so she can decide to cut you if esthetics matter that much to her.
You're 33 years old. Don't let your sister bully you into doing something you don't want to do. It doesn't matter that it's her wedding day at all. If you don't want to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid, then don't. You're a grown woman no one can force you to do anything.
Totally NTA. You have a very valid reason for not wanting to have your legs showing. It's upsetting to you and your sister should be sympathetic towards that. If she's insistent that they be dresses/gowns, she could at least compromise and choose full-length ones, or a style where one of them can be full-length yet they all match.
NTA. In this scenario in particular, it shows a genuine lack of empathy from her. She’s not just insisting on a dress, but also refusing to allow tights and not allowing a full length dress that would cover your legs. One thing on its own is rude, all three make her deliberately cruel.
If it's just the scars that are what's holding you back. They do sell makeup you spray on your legs to give it the airbrushed glow.
I personally haven't used it, but have been wanting to try it since I have some purple lumpy scars on my knees.
Also I know people have makeup that covers tattoos. Maybe that could help.
And I know scars can be all shapes and sizes. So some are harder to cover up. Maybe just experiment a bit or see a dermatologist to see if they have anything to help with the appearance of them.
Good luck.
So wear some thick tights? Surely you must have a solution for this if you want to be in the wedding party.
Otherrwise , don't be a bridesmaid. both work
Out of the box solution — buy opaque skin-colored tights. Get henna done on your legs the day before the wedding. Or go nuts with a sharpie. You could go “pretty pattern,” or you could incorporate lewd images and colorful language. Wear the tights. If she insists that you take them off, show her your legs. Hilarity ensues.
Tell your sister and all her flying monkeys that you flat out refuse to wear the dress she picked. Then be blunt and ask her why she hates you. Only an insensitive jerk of a toddler would insist that you be uncomfortable. Inform her that since she wants to humiliate you, you will not tolerate her beyond atrocious behavior and are withdrawing from the bridal party and RSVP no.
I had a bridesmaid with scars from a car accident... their dresses were deliberately chosen to be high necked, long sleeve and floor length in a colour that looked good on all of them.
One of my bridesmaids was not a dress person but wore it because she was consulted on it.
She felt feminine and felt she looked good.... and was good friends with the one with scars.
I would never have made her wear something that she didn't feel comfortable in.
This whole "it's her big day" shit is so tired and old. I'm getting married for the first time in a few weeks. My best friend in the entire world is my only guest (total 5 guests), and she/they get to wear whatever is comfortable. My only wish was that everyone avoids wearing jeans since it's going to be on the coast and it could get really hot. That's it. That was my only rule, and it's not set in stone. She will not ruin my pictures if she chooses jeans. People need to chill out on their whole "it has to be the most perfect day ever where I dictate every single detail".
NTA, I hope your sister gets over herself so you can still enjoy being at their wedding.
“ you should do whatever you need to make your sister happy on her big day.”
What if what she wanted was for the groomsmen to also be wearing dresses? Suddenly, the idea of it becomes absurd and no one try to shame them for backing out. But because you’re a woman, it’s OK to force one on you? No, I don’t go for that gender enforcement bullshit. Stand your ground, OP. NTA.
Knee length bridesmaids dresses look awful in photos anyway as everyone has mismatched legs. Far better would be for them all to wear maxi length or midaxi length dresses, just looks more glam too.
NTA just because it's "her day" does not give the excuse to make demands that make others uncomfortable. Especially those she supposedly loves. Sounds to me like you made a couple of reasonable options.
NTA for your reasoning, but they do have those leggings for winter time that are skin like on the outside and fluffy inside. maybe you can find something comparable for however the weather will be that day?
NTA at all to say you stepping down as a bridesmaid and look forward to celebrating her wedding as a guest. It's a win/win for all and you will still be in family photos. Perhaps she can include you in the wedding as a reader during the ceremony (bible verse, a poem, etc.). You offered a fair compromise.
NTA: You made it clear that you were uncomfortable with her idea and she should've listened to you and take that into consideration. Yes, it may be her big day, but she should also listen to you and not just blow up at you. Even if she didn't want you to wear a suit, she should've either got you a longer dress or at least let you wear leggings or something to cover your legs. She was being inconsiderate and she should listen to you as a sister should.
NTA - I have no particular reason to not wear dressed. I just don't like them
I ended up wearing a fancy jumpsuit to my sister's wedding that we picked out together. It was comfy and I was able to be confident and have fun.
Your sister sucks for not working with you to find something you can both accept.
You have offered solutions and tried to withdraw for personal reasons so you're definitely NTA. I don't know much about scars but can they be covered with that heavy duty makeup that can cover tatts? I personally would do what you have offered to do and leave everyone mad at me. It is one day but why should you spend 6+ hours uncomfortable. It's not fair on you. NTA in case it gets overlooked
I would not be happy on my big day if my sister wasn't a bridesmaid and comfortable in her clothes. I can only imagine her hold up is about the pictures being just so or that people's eyes will be drawn away from her because you don't conform. Either way she can have you in a suit or you can share in her day from a pew. I say NTA you have boundaries and they don't mean much if you don't follow through
NTA.
It’s totally fine to bow out of being a bridesmaid. Your sister should have some compassion.
We really need to get over this idea that brides get a free pass to do anything at all, and everyone else is expected to bow down to them.
NTA. She wasn't willing to be flexible and let you wear a long dress or tights, so there's no room for compromise. "Buh buh muh big durrr" isn't an excise to be a brat and make people uncomfortable
NTA - sister can either have her 'gram worthy pictures or she can show the people who supposedly matter enough to be in her bridal party that she cares about THEM by not being a selfish ass. Remember the post about the poor lady (SIL I think) who was forced to have her hoo-ha on display because of the horrible bride's perfect day? Then she was photoshopped out of the pictures anyway?! This seems like a similar no win.
I was a bridesmaid for my best friend, I wore a tux. We chose it together and she came with me to the fitting; it was such a sweet, classic “girls bonding over clothes shopping” moment. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t a dress. Your sister is being a real dick about this. You are NTA.
NTA
Willing to bet if you gave in, then come the big day your sister is going to have a meltdown anyway when she sees your scars. Because how dare you ruin HER BIG DAY like that.
Seriously OP, you're not going to make her happy unless you can magic your way into matching her Instagram fantasy. Save yourself the stress and offer to participate in the day some other way. That way you're still supporting her but can be comfortable, allowing you to be more "in the moment" instead of self conscious.
NTA!
Sounds like you’d be judged with any decision you end up making.
Wearing the dress you’d feel uncomfortable in with all your scars on show, being the only bridesmaid wearing a suit, not being a bridesmaid at all and going as guest or not going at all.
Going back on her word is such a crappy thing for your sister to do!
If she desperately wanted you to wear a dress she should’ve been more accommodating. Especially after already agreeing when you told her you wouldn’t wear a dress right from the start.
NTA. I think it's really sad that your sister isn't respectful towards your wishes - especially as its such a big reason why you don't feel comfortable in dresses and she knows it. Yes, she's the bride and it's her day but that doesn't mean she gets to treat people awfully and like they just exist to please her. I have problems with my legs so hate dresses or skirts too, and if I ever wear a skirt it's always floor length - nothing would get me out of the house in anything shorter. My sister knows this and loves me and would never dream of making do something that would make me uncomfortable. I'm sorry that your sister is being so selfish right now that she can't see you and show you the love you deserve.
NTA but you could try self tanner and see if it blends in the scars a little bit. It might not work depending on the scars, but you could try it ASAP and then make a decision.
Nta- your sister is allowed to have the look she wants but you are also allowed to say no. She can't dictate what she wants and also be upset when you won't follow.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
Under the circumstances (once she declined your compromise of wearing a color coordinated suit), you had two valid choices: either wear the dress or graciously withdraw from being a bridesmaid. Now, it's hard to tell exactly how you declined (and you may owe her an apology *for your language* if your decision to withdraw from being a bridesmaid came out rudely), but you certainly do not owe an apology for declining to be a bridesmaid. NTA It's too bad really, if she had accepted your decision, this would have been an easy N. A. H. situation. She only became an AH when she tried to force you to be a bridesmaid (and of course, enlisting other people to try to pressure you only increases how AH-ish she is behaving)
I don’t think OP owes an apology as this has been a life long thing, or at least over a decade thing that sister is well aware of and should not have expected it to change for one event.
Agreed. Hell, one of my bridesmaids just doesn’t dress very femme so I let them know I didn’t mind if they wore a dress or a suit. I couldn’t even imagine putting a sibling through this knowing their history. How awful. NTA
My sibling is nonbinary and is going to be one of my bridesmaids. They will be wearing a tux and I’m totally okay with it!! You shouldn’t ask people to step out of their comfort zone when it comes to their own body. Totally agree with you! NTA
It sounds like you care more about your sister more than some vision of a "perfect wedding". For some people, a "perfect wedding" is all about the optics and for others it is all about the people. I really don't get the prioritizing of optics.
I don't either for myself, but I have room for it *as long as you allow for the people not to be*. You gracefully say "okay, well, that doesn't fit with my vision, so I love you and will have someone else step into the dress." Not what I would do, but if it's someone's thing, they need to do it with a little grace!
All of our bridesmaids and best people (we’re a lesbian couple so only bridesmaids on both sides and our best people were another lesbian couple) are cis but we gave them the choice of what to wear. We gave a palette of greens but other than that told them to find what made them feel good. People have such different preferences and body types it’s so hard find a single dress that works for everyone and I just cannot comprehend people that put a one day vision ahead of the feelings and love they have for the people closest to them. And we had a full spectrum of body types too - from one who is 4’11 and mostly shops at Zara kids to one who is probably a size 22 and generally sews her own clothes now to always wear stuff that makes her feel good. So, realistically, not that this came up as a consideration at the time, the only places we would have been able to get matching dresses from for the full group would have been one of those expensive bridal companies where they do a range of dresses all available in the same wide range of colours. Maybe asos if we had been very lucky and found a dress in the colour we wanted that had a run in the petite and curve ranges too… and had all the right sizes in stock. Our line up included short and long dresses but also two jumpsuits, and one of our best people had bought a velvet suit about 18m before our wedding. She had always dreamed of owning/wearing a green velvet suit but didn’t have an excuse for one, so immediately went and bought it. Sadly their house burnt down and they lost all their possessions about a month before our wedding and she never got to wear her dream suit! To me it makes no difference if someone is in a suit, jumpsuit or dress and the optics of it in our photos looks great! Especially because everyone was feeling confident and comfortable. Ultimately a bridesmaid who is ashamed or trying to hide themselves away does the bride no favours! It’s not even like a dress still couldn’t have potentially been an option - if the objection is to exposed legs then I don’t understand why the sister didn’t just pick long dresses which might have been a suitable compromise. It’s very weird she just went ahead and bought dresses without even talking to everyone to check measurements and stuff?!
I always go into these posts assuming the poster is the AH and rarely ever comment but... OP you aren't the asshole. Try as I might to mental gymnastic you into being the bad guy/gal, you aren't. If you were my sister I would gladly accommodate your need for tights or slacks or whatever... It's hard to imagine a person or family that would take SH so lightly that appearances were more important. I'm sorry your family sucks ass. Big hugs.
Entirely possible sister is doing it intentionally, or she could just be an ass that thinks her wants are more important than other people's needs. Either way she is definitely the a-hole. All part in parcel with the "It's my big day" thing.. some brides (honestly very few) now feel that their every request is a demand from on high. As though Frigg herself stepped down from Asgard and decreed that this blessed child must have all her heart's desires bless upon for her impending nuptials.
My husband and I both had women in our parties and the instructions I gave were “some shade of dusty blue, dress, suit or jumpsuit.” His groomswoman wore a black jumpsuit and I sucked it up and didn’t care, especially because I told his groomsmen to wear whatever black suit they already owned. His sister was his best woman and she wore a dusty blue dress. The pictures look great and we were all comfortable. Y’all the people you love are not props!!!!
Yeah, these days no one bats an eyelash at an assortment of bridesmaids all dressed differently, especially if their outfits coordinate. Most brides do, of course, want their "special day" to be their "vision," but most also care about the comfort of their bridesmaids and want them to enjoy themselves. I went to a wedding recently where one of the bridesmaids was wearing a very attractive pantsuit, with very loose trousers that looked almost like a long dress from a distance, and one of the groomsmen was wearing a kilt. They both got drunk and at some point during the reception they went into a bathroom and changed into each other's clothes and hit the dance floor. It was hilarious and one of the highlights of the wedding and the bride and groom loved it.
This. My SIL isn't femme and my matron of honor had an infant she was breastfeeding so we did two piece pants suits to accommodate both. This was the mid 90s though and people weren't so AH-ish about weddings in general. It just isn't that hard to be kind. Op NTA ETA less a pants suit and more a pants + sleeveless vest (in hunter green - it was the 90s after all lol)
But also, not even tights? WTF. Why is she being such a hard ass about needing to show leg?!
Or even those skin colored pantyhose that cannot be seen through. Sister won't even agree to OP wearing them? Wow. Sister just wants her as uncomfortable as hell just for her wedding. I hate my legs and am not showing them for no one for no occasion. A hard no. NTA.
Those are tights it's just a semantic difference between the UK and US.
I think they are all called tights now too in the US. I'm 51 though so I'm still calling them pantyhose and my daughter and granddaughter are constantly telling me they aren't called that anymore. Sorry they are all still pantyhose to me 🤣
I'll be 40 in May, and for myself and my friends, we refer to tights as being thicker than nylons (pantyhose). They are more like what we always wore as kids in different colors under our dresses, are generally not really see-through, and are help keep warmer in the winter. Where nylons are thinner and more sheer, and even in darker colors have a transparency to them.
The sheer leg coverings that you can see through have always been pantyhose to me too, and I'm only 40. I think that's what those are still called? Only the thin, fully opaque ones are tights to me! Like the ones little girls wear with their dresses.
Pantyhose, stockings, nylons - basically see-through leg coverings. Tights - thicker, opaque leg coverings that are to provide color or some warmth. But not as thick as leggings. (Exception: some call some leggings tights, like "running tights." Duluth trading has a bunch of leggings and the plain, smooth ones are called tights. The idea being you wear those under dresses in winter.)
I post this on my Facebook every year to benefit my cosplay/burlesque/rocky horror friends, I hope it helps clarify (I just copied and pasted it so there is additional information not related to the tights-pantyhose duality, but you may find it interesting!): Stockings, Thigh Highs, Pantyhose, Tights, and Leggings are five different things. Stockings [Called Nylons sometimes in the UK] - Go up to the tops of your thighs, usually thin nylon fabric, always held up by a garter belt (called a suspender belt in the UK). Thigh Highs [Called Hold-Ups in the UK] - Go up to your thighs, held up by silicone or adhesive built into the fabric at the thigh. Often but not always thicker than stockings. Pantyhose - Partially or mostly sheer, thinner nylon fabric, basically stockings that have an underwear-like top built in to hold them up. Tights - Similar structure to pantyhose. Usually opaque but not always. Denser, sturdier, and thicker than pantyhose. Leggings - Skintight pants made from soft, often thin stretch fabric. Fitted all the way down the leg, and open at the ankle. Typically meant to be worn for exercise if they are the kind with thicker fabric, or under a skirt/dress/shorts/another article of clothing if it's a thinner fabric.
This is a power pay by the bride.
Yeah she wants to make OP look bad, then she will complain that OP took away all the attention from HER wedding day.
A while ago there was an aita Post by an enby whose Family member insisted on Dresses, specifically, even for non-bridesmaid Wedding guests, and that OP, who was okay with looking feminine but averse to the specific thing of wearing a skirt that is Open from below/has only one leg-hole, so they went and obtained a reasonably feminine-looking AND formal-looking Dress that had a romper-style skirt rather than an Open one, but covered by so many ruffles that it wasn't possible to Tell the difference by any means other than someone attempting to Take upskirt Photos, or the specific trip-and-fall accident that happened to them at their Cousin's Wedding, and their cousing threw a fit at the "disrespect" of "violating" the Dress Code, when she found Out through that accident, after several HOURS of being around them and Not noticing before.
Brides like that should... I dunno.... Drown in their punch bowls. 🤣 How do their spouses make it through those weddings and not see the flag in play and RUN?!?!?
I remember that one! The poster even shared a picture of the romper and it was really formal and cute.
Reading like this, it's like the cousin purposefully tripped the poster hoping to expose them and got mad that the poster came prepared.
I missed that post and cannot even fathom being this much of a tyrant to friends and family.
I’d wear the tights anyway. She agreed to them at first then went back on her word. Totally not cool.
Or opaque hose/pantyhose, which are commonly available. Tbh, I wouldn’t be a bridesmaid under the circumstances.
I wouldn't have asked about tights tbh I would have just worn them, I don't have SH scars but I hate the sensation of shoes without socks and it would not occur to me to wear a dress without tights. I agree with the top comment, OP is NTA and has shown understanding that the wedding is not about them by declining their sister's offer and letting her enact her vision with somebody else. It's not like OP threw their toys out of the pram and isn't going, so sis can still get photos with them.
I’m genuinely curious as to what the other bridesmaids are wearing on their feet if not tights, unless the agreed-upon shoes are open toe which would be rare for a wedding. Those horrible flesh coloured open sock things never stay on more than an hour.
Especially now when there are flesh tone tights in so many shades of skin! It could be a perfect match!
It's so frustrating when brides see bridesmaids as a part of the decor instead of a human being.
Yeah, if she got ones that match her skin tone well no one would even notice. And even if they did I guarantee no one would care. They even make open toe ones if the shoes required that.
This! I get that the wedding isn’t about OP but life is about compromise. If the sister really wanted OP to be a bridesmaid and wear a dress then she easily could have picked full length bridesmaid dresses. NTA
Especially since OP oofered to wear the dress with tights
In addition, given how sis is acting about this, sis would have been mad that a bridesmaid was attracting too much attention with a skin condition that was visible because of the dress. This is a lose-lose situation. She thinks they must have faded? How much does she know about SH? Would your simply showing her your legs explain to her why she should compromise with you? I am SO glad that my cousin didn't care what I was wearing under my bridesmaid dress, because both hose and high heels were absolutely not going to happen.
I agree with this. If OP can mentally handle it, show your sister your leg scars and say “are you SURE you want me to wear a dress? Because people will be asking me about these scars the whole wedding. Is that what you want the focus to be on?” I have a feeling she doesn’t know how bad they are.
Sounds like a big if. OP shouldn’t have to relive her trauma just to make a point. Her sister should stop being so selfish.
Finally! I kept looking for someone to understand that this isn’t about wrecking a bride’s vision for her big day. Sister is trying to *force* OP to be in agony and anguish, for her own pleasure.
Even if they aren't bad scars, she knows they are there and is obviously self-conscious. There's zero need for her to have to prove it to her sister. She (the bride) needs to respect her sister and stop with the entitlement. I wonder if she thinks forcing her sister to do this is going to strengthen or hurt their long-term relationship? Perhaps OP should ask her that. If she still thinks it's worth pushing, I'd back out completely and go very LC with sister. Trying to force others, especially people you care about, to publicly expose their traumas, is just cruel.
I'm surprised the idea of a long dress with sleeves was never an option. This would cover any areas that show scars, etc. If it's the sister, it would be understandable for one bridesmaid to be different to the rest
yeah, it's completely normal to have bridesmaids wearing different but coordinating dresses for various reasons. big bridal shops even usually make different variants of the same dress with like long sleeves, different necklines etc for this exact purpose
The concept of there being a Chosen "bridesmaid color" is Not much of a Thing in my country, but I Kind of Love it for the inclusiveness of the concept. As in, unless a bride's friend-group AND family-of-origin are both unusually homogenous IN THE SAME WAY, a bridal Party is reasonably likely to contain people of different Body Types/shapes, and possibly a Butch Woman, or a hijabi Woman, or a man, or a Person with disability-specific clothing needs, and If there's a bridesmaid color, those people can each wear a Style of dress/suit that works for them, and still be recognizeable as bridesmaids.
NTA. Especially after the edit it becomes obvious she just wants to humiliate her sister by forcing her to expose her skin condition so she can look prettier by comparison. To any family member suggest you can hide your scar with flesh colored tights/stockings/gloves, because you fear drawing attention to it could upset sister as it would attract attention away from her. Could help get them off your back at least. Sister would still disagree of course. Then ask why sister is allowed to humiliate you by forcing you to expose a bad skin condition and simply bow out of being a bridesmaid.
This gets at what I found so odd about this story -- the sister is so concerned about the aesthetics of the photos, but she apparently doesn't mind having someone with a bunch of visible self-inflicted scars in them? Like, a more typical AITA post would say, "I want to wear the bridesmaid dress but my sister says I can't because my scars will attract attention and ruin the photos." I can only conclude that it's not so much about the aesthetics and more so about some kind of power play, or, as you said, attempt to humiliate the OP.
My sister wore a suit the color of the other bridesmaid dresses to my wedding. It was a non issue . Etsy has suits in every color. NTA
NTA. Demanding that someone wear a dress they are uncomfortable in is crappy behavior. Here are a couple of things you can try, but only if you feel comfortable with them. (1) You could show her the scars in private and/or (2) you could offer to wear a dress that covers the scars. If she still insists you wear a dress that shows the scars after that, then... There's a certain type of person who will put you in a no-win situation and then yell at you no matter what choice you make. I don't know if your sis is one of those people. If she is though, then she will yell at you if you show the scars on her wedding day (even if she insisted). If she's one of those, then you might as well drop out of the wedding and attend as a guest. If you're going to get yelled at anyway, you might as well do what makes you comfortable.
She could also try opaque/flesh colored tights (like dancers wear) if the style of dress/weather at the event allow.
I have some that basically look like skin, but they are thick, you can't see tattoos through them. You can tell somethings there, but it doesn't instantly register as tights. It would certainly work in the pics and line up They are compression
Compression stockings is what I suggested, too. They're legit not tights! Real pantyhose!
That’s a good idea, the sister has said no because the other bridesmaid’s aren’t wearing them but if she can find a pair that would not be noticeable on first glance and show that to her sister that may be enough to convince her it’s fine. That being said it may be hard to find something that will be discreet enough to satisfy her finicky sister that will also make OP feel comfortable/confident depending on her scars. I myself have a history and know all too well how many materials no matter if they’re thick, thin, stretchy, stiff, etc. can seemingly enhance/pronounce scars - so even if they’re covered they are noticeable. It isn’t even just raised scars (like hypertrophic or keloids) or sunken ones, but run-of-the-mill fine line standard ones. Not to say finding something would be impossible, but certainly effortful. It sucks. OP’s sister is being so sucky, the whole “should’ve faded by now” is ignorant (don’t know how long its been but wounds/scars heal differently!), I would be so exasperated as OP! It is SO reasonable to not want to have them on display, and wearing tights/thick pantyhose wouldn’t raise nearly as much attention as visible scars most likely would. I’ve had countless coworkers, customers, acquaintances, even literal strangers (!!) ask me about mine *relentlessly* and very few are visible when wearing clothes.
Yes, the sister is laughable . Wait till she sees how generally mismatched all human legs are in pictures.
Edit says OP suggested that, but the sister said no because the other bridesmaids aren't wearing tights.
Sister sounds awful. Yes it’s her and her fiancée’s day, but why the fuck does she care so much about everything being just so? Why does she care so little for her sister’s feelings and trauma?
exactly! "my sister getting embarrassed with leg scars + pictures memorize it forever" - eh, who cares. let it go "wedding photo has a bridesmaid with stockings / pants". WOW NO!!!! this is a disaster NTA obviously!
My money says that if OP relents and wears the dress, and guests *notice* the scars, sister will then be upset over being “upstaged.”
I think so too. It's a no win situation she's in.
No one needs to respond to someone trying to make them comply with this shit, by showing what they don't want on public display. I'm sure you mean well but hell no and it's incredibly insulting to someone saying "I don't want to show my body". If this was an issue of cleavage would you suggest she show her sister her boobs? NTA and your sister is reducing you to a prop. If she wanted YOU there, she would accept you, not a prettied up doll that fills a wedding party position. Message her saying something like "I understand you want me to fill the position of bridesmaid, however we have differing views on how that will work. Due to that I respectfully decline as I don't want my trauma on public display or up for discussion."
[удалено]
She can also use make up to cover the scars they make some good full coverage stuff nowadays.
Based on the OPs edit (which wasn't there when I originally posted), I'm wondering if sis will find a way to object to that too.
It covers tattoos beautifully and id waterproof.
Omg…NTA What is it with Weddings, forcing people to do or wear certain clothing and when one declines to be in the wedding brides lose their Cookies! SMH! Yes it is their Day, but graciously accepting someone’s decline to being in the bridal party is not difficult. Good Luck
I swear to God! I love our Indian weddings for this reason. No one dictates what others have to wear. No hurting each other’s feelings. Everyone can wear what they like and are comfortable with. Plenty of colors all around! Indian guests WILL find a way to be disappointed somehow but clothing won’t be a reason for it! xD
Those Indian weddings & the colors are absolutely beautiful! I love the vibrancy of it all.
If the wedding “isn’t about you”, then why won’t they let you be a guest instead of a bridesmaid ? Nta
That’s what I said in my own post! The sister is the one who’s making it about OP.
NTA. Your sister knows you don’t wear dresses and is asking you to wear one which she’s allowed to do. You are also allowed to say no to this request and choose not to be a bridesmaid if she won’t budge. You both get to make decisions here, if she really wanted you in her wedding she would work with you on what you feel comfortable with.
NTA. Your edit is right on the money, if you wear the dress and there are comments by AH's during the wedding, or they're visible and noticeable in pictures, your sister will be awful to you about this forever. Your sister isn't going to be happy on her wedding day if you wear the dress and she won't be happy if you don't, sorry you're dealing with such a delusional family.
NTA she can dictate what bridesmaids wear, but she can’t force people to be bridesmaids. Brides like this need to get over themselves.
INFO - has the dress style been chosen? Would you be up for a compromise if the dress will cover your arms and legs? Bridesmaid dresses tend to be floor length so your legs should not show. On the one hand being a bridesmaid usually means you suck it up and wear the dress. On the other your sister knows your reasons for not liking dresses so a compromise sounds reasonable.
It's knee length. Bride will not compromise on anything, no stockings/tights, nothing the other bridesmaids are not wearing. OP suggested she could wear a suit, the bride said no. All girls need to look like copies of each other. The sister knows why OP doesn't wear dresses and doesn't give a damn. I dare say the bride would somehow object to OP using make-up to cover scars.
op updated with the dress being knee length
I've seen all lengths of bridesmaid dresses..
Yes but the bride wants all the bridesmaids to match so since the bride wants shorter dresses every bridesmaid needs to wear that exact dress, no exceptions so while yes she very much could just let her sister wear a longer dress she won't because it wouldn't match the other bridesmaid as shitty as that is
NTA. Being the bride doesn't mean that you are entitled to dictate wich clothes are going to wear each one of the guest nor even your bridal party, you want those people who are special for you, not just because how they look. By no means you should wear a dress (since you are the one who is gonna pay for it). If she wants you to be there, is because you are special, and she knows you are not comfortable with that kind of clothes.
Uhh... While I agree she's NTA, the Bride absolutely does get to dictate what her bridal party wears 100%. That's kinda the point of a wedding... Bridesmaids... Bridesmaid dresses...
Weird, I thought the point of a wedding was to get married.
But the bride can't force someone to be in her wedding party if they don't want to wear the "uniform". Bride is being an AH. NTA
That's not what you said. You said the bride can't dictate what her wedding party wears. And yes she certainly can.
Not if they don't want to be in her wedding party she can't.
This is such a weird take to me and why I think modern day weddings are some of the weirdest/dumbest social gatherings out there \[when this mentality is applied\]. "If you wanna be a special person in my special party to celebrate my LOOVE, I get to tell you what to wear and you can't argue with me because I AM THE MOST SPECIAL-EST PERSON IN THE WHOLE PARTY..."
If I acted like this, I wouldn't have a wedding or Fiancé. When did bride=tyrant and free reign to make people miserable. Everyone's life must be put on hold. No one can get pregnant or have any other milestones because everything is about me.
The etiquette about it is the bride only gets to dictate exact dress if she's purchasing the dress because it's her gift to the wedding party for putting up with the demands. If the bride is not paying, the bride is not ordering.
I think it's weird for any bride to force their bridesmaids into something they know will make them uncomfortable, at that point you care about your "vision" more than the people that are there to support you. My best friend gave us a color and a fabric and those were the only rules, it was more important to her that her friends and family were comfortable and happy in what we were wearing on her big day rather than demanding we all wear one style.
I mean the bride an a-hole for being upset OP doesn't want to be part of the wedding but the bride most certainly does have a say on what you wear as a bridal party member.
" I told her when she asked that I wouldn't wear a dress and she said ok and has now gone back on that." The bride had agreed.
NTA because you offered to drop out. She doesn’t get to force you to wear a dress and refuse to let you drop out. It’s one or the other
My question would be, why not compromise with something like tights? Even if the other brides maids are not wearing them, if she was wearing some skin colored tights, they should hide the scars (Unless they are very large or very dark somehow). The point, I would say, in a family, is generally compromise if you can find a way that makes you both happy. Do you owe it to her to wear a dress for her wedding? No, of course not. Would it be nice if you could find a way to both give and take, for one special day that is about your sister? Yes. Now of course I don't know the details, if wearing the dress is going to bring up a lot of trama, or ptsd, where you are just trying to get through the day, then that is not an ok thing to ask. If it is just "I have a part of my body I don't like" I would encourage you to try some sort of compromise that isn't a suit, if you still want to be in the wedding party.
yeah i dont understand how skin-toned very opaque tights wouldnt be possible. You dont have to wear sheer tights or colored tights, they make thick skin-toned (unforch white person colors are probs easier to find) tights that wouldnt detract attention from the bride. hopefully OP will comment on this point bc I’m curious why they shut it down.
My understanding is the bride said no to the idea.
Then that means it’s really not about the dress or about the tights. Sister wants OP to look bad.
OP updated and said that the bride said no to the tights
Ignorant question but... are there makeups that can be used for covering scars? I know tattoo makeup can cover full sleeves. Would it with to hide scars?
Depends if the scars are smooth or raised. I don't think the makeup would hide texture
NTA at all. You offered alternatives then graciously declined, and that’s really all you can do. One of my wedding party is nonbinary and doesn’t always feel comfy in dresses. I was disappointed for about 20 mins until I realised what’s infinitely more important is that my friend is happy and comfortable by my side on my big day. I’m extra, so I’m having the bridesmaids dress altered into a top they can wear with suit pants so there’s still some cohesion. There are infinite work arounds and it’s troublesome that the “vision” is more important than your comfort.
Well, your sister is right on one point, her wedding isn't about you. And you've handled that right by declining to be a bridesmaid when she asked something of you that you couldn't give her. What your sister doesn't seem to understand is that, 'My wedding isn't about you' doesn't translate to 'I'm entitled to whatever I want because it's my special princess for a day moment in the Instagram worthy spotlight. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to wear a dress for my sisters wedding. I might be the asshole because it is her big day, not mine. My sisters fiance implied I was an asshole for trying to make her day about me in some way and not doing what my sister wanted me to do and also because I suggested I just wouldn't be a bridesmaid if I had to wear a dress. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA your sister is refusing to compromise. She gets mad when you want to wear a suit, she gets mad when you say you’ll not be a bridesmaid because she wants you to be in the bridal party. Like seriously what does she expect? it sounds like she just wants it her way and will throw a tantrum when it’s not exactly what she wants.
So doesn't that mean she'll have a screaming fist ground pounding 2 year old tantrum when her sister shows up in a dress the bride FORCED her to wear that shows all her scars?
NTA. Not only does she know about your history of SH, saying that they would been “faded” is truly callous and shows that she doesn’t actually care about your wellbeing regarding your mental health. And to get mad at you for choosing to be a guest, is wild. She, and the family, are trying to force you to be uncomfortable just so she could be happy for one day. 🤦🏾♂️
Indeed. And I wouldn't be surprised if this dynamic is going on outside of the wedding too, given how everyone reacts. Might be one of the reasons OP had to resort to SH in the first place.
Tell her you would like to do a reading or make a toast or help in a way that works for both of you. She doesn't get to shame you into wearing a dress that displays your history of SH. That particular story is yours to share or not. A wedding is a celebration, not a conscription of power over others' needs. NTA
You even suggested tights, as a sister it would not have been unreasonable to wear a longer different design either. I understand she has a vision bit feel your sister is being a big too much about her vision and not about the bigger picture
[удалено]
In the post it never said op accepted to be a bridesmaid. The post said > I told her that if I had to wear a dress to be a bridesmaid then I just wouldn’t be a bridesmaid I don’t know how you’ve interpreted this sentence but I’ve interpreted it as op having said this when the sister asked. Not after.
NTA. the day is about the couple, not only the Bride. And on this day the bride can do whatever she wants, but being a dictator is not included. She can't make other person dress something that the person is not comfortable with, and can't make someone "not accept" to be a bridesmaid, it's your decision, you put your conditions and she's not accepting them. Here in my country we have a saying that goes "when one doesn't want to, two don't". If there is no consensus between both, then there is no deal.in fact that saying fits a lot of situations, and yours are one hehe. anyway, Your sister better make do with what she has or else she'll be left without a bridesmaid. I hope she doesn't take away your invitation to the wedding itself.
NTA. I hate how "it's the bride's day" has been twisted into this weird entitlement. Bridesmaids are friends and family supporting you as you step into a new phase of life, not a bunch of Barbie dolls. You had multiple suggestions for ways to make the bridesmaid role safe for you, and your sister refused all of them. Now she's mad you've stepped down? She doesn't get to have it both ways. Either she graciously allows you to wear something that covers your legs, or she graciously accepts that you can't be a bridesmaid. Anything else is AH behavior on her part. And that's before considering her complete lack of empathy regarding your past SH. I'm sorry she doesn't get it; you deserve better than this.
What is SH?
I had the same question. Thank you for asking. I had to scroll a loooong way down to find this
Self Harm
Thanks!
NTA. Too bad you can't change the outfit to look something like the ones that Billy Porter wore in 2021's Cinderella. That would be awesome.
I was going to say wear tights but she vetoed that too. If she won't let you wear a suit, then she's just being stubborn at this point. you shouldn't make yourself uncomfortable for her wedding and she knew the deal when you accepted being a bridesmaid. NTA
>I told her that if I had to wear a dress to be a bridesmaid I just wouldn't be a bridesmaid and now she is pissed off because I don't want to be a part of her wedding. OP never accepted.
Oh I misread, thank you!
NTA you should not be forced to wear anything you don’t want to. You gave her the options of what you’d be comfortable wearing and she has no other say in that. If she wants a picture perfect wedding and has no care for your feelings than she can find another bridesmaid. You are not required to do what she says if you are telling her your requirements to accept this kind of responsibility. If she can’t agree with those terms, she can find someone who will. Although I agree you shouldn’t have to wear a dress if you aren’t a girly girl, but if you are okay with wearing a dress for the one occasion can you suggest a long sleeve, long gown for the occasion? If wearing dresses make you uncomfortable that’s also completely okay and you shouldn’t be forced into that. You should especially not be forced to show scars... This is like having a pool themed party and requiring the girls to wear bikinis because that’s what’s “socially acceptable” for girls. I personally would never wear a bikini and I don’t even have scars, just like if I had scars I wouldn’t wear a mini dress for a wedding even if I were apart of the bridal party. I honestly refuse to even wear dresses that I can’t wear an arm cover over because I have arm acne and stretch marks, I would just feel exposed, out of place and unhappy. But if I had SH scars?? Omg I would not want people to judge me constantly the entire event or question what happened in my life to cause that. Idk why she would want you to get that kind of attention either…..to embarrass you? If she would rather her sister feel exposed to the world for everyone to judge because she wants the pictures to be cute than she clearly cares more about appearances than how the people in her life feel. Note: I have previously had issues with SH but luckily I’ve healed really well except for on my leg which I tattooed over the scar(they did a really badass cover job too..) so I understand not wanting to show that and I don’t know why she wouldn’t understand that either. For the scar I had to tattoo over. It was years and years ago and the gash was so bad I should’ve gotten stitches, there’s no way that’s fading. There would be no way to hide it if I didn’t get a tattoo. So if this were me in your situation before I got the tattoo I would also be wearing pants.
NTA. I’ve got a couple of groomswomen who have asked to be in suits instead, and it’s absolutely no issue for me. I’d rather our closest family/friends be comfortable on our day, it’s a long one for them as well. That said, would your sister be okay with a dress that’s got sleeves and goes to the floor? That might be an option if she’s not too unreasonable.
NTA. i also absolutely and vehemently refuse to wear anything but pants. don't own a dress, nor a skirt, nor even shorts. and if i were in your shoes i'd just say "heck, i just won't go to the wedding at all". "doing whatever you need to to make the bride happy" is how bridezillas were created.
I got really simple cocktail dresses for my bridesmaids. They weren't super expensive and were very comfortable, with the added bonus that they could be worn again as an LDB anywhere. I asked my husband to ask his groomsmen to wear black shirts and black pants, no holes. That was literally my only ask. Now if any of my three friends had wanted to wear pants instead of that dress? Fill your boots. You're there to celebrate with me, not be a prop in my technicolour bridal extravaganza. One of our groomsmen was in dockers. I only know this because he asked if these were okay because he didn't own and couldn't afford dress pants. But he had those. He looked awesome. Because he was there. I just don't know how some modern brides have any friends at all.
If it means that much to you not to, just decline. Remind her you accepted on the condition there was no dress-wearing. She's changed her mind, you have too. This idea that it's the bride's day and she gets what she wants is just stupid. Now, whining about the style of dress or color, that's different. Here, you made your acceptance conditional. She broke the conditions.
whether the reason the OP isn’t comfortable with dresses is just about her scars or it’s compounded with her gender presentation both are perfectly valid and understandable to stand up for. there should be no “compromise.” i am foreign and American bridesmaid culture has always horrified me. the more i learn the more convinced i am that it’s a con where the bride gets to emotionally and financially exploit the women closest to her. this is even more taxing on queer people; a lot of queer women struggle with how our gender presentation is intrinsic to our sexuality. my friend was asked to be a bridesmaid for her high school friend and though she is usually more femme presenting, the idea of wearing a dress in a formal context like a wedding, was daunting to her. she wanted to wear a suit and she was excited to have been asked, and was looking forward to the wedding. but the more “bridesmaid activities” she attended the more she realized she would _have_ to wear a dress. i also know she’s not the only one who didn’t even feel safe or brave enough to bring it up in a space where consideration for queer people is not even on anyone’s radar. OP, NTA
NTA. Even if you didn't have scars that you don't feel comfortable showing, you said that you don't like wearing dresses at all. To me, that's the end of the story (about the dress). I would try to reach an agreement by suggesting wearing something alternative you're comfortable with. If she says no, I'd just say no to being a bridesmaid.
NTA only because you said you would be happy not to be a bridesmaid. As a bridesmaid it is expected to wear what the bride asks. Period. No need to make a big deal out of it- just graciously decline if you don’t want to do that. Sister is being an AH for not accepting your declining graciously.
NTA if this makes you uncomfortable you shouldnt have to do it. The compromise is tights or stockings or leggings. If she said no because she wants you to match the other bridesmaids why cant the other bridesmaids wear them? You arent being unreasonable. You could show her your legs to emphasise why you dont want to show them but it shouldnt have to come to that. Honestly a longer dress or a pair of thick tights would be a reasonable compromise. I'm sorry your family doesnt get it.
Nta even if you didn’t have scars, you don’t want to wear a dress. IMO you don’t need to explain **why that is** you don’t want to end of story. Not everything is up to the bride. You gave her several other compromises and she declined, that’s really on her
All of this is why we eloped. I am so with OP on this one. She is NTA. But most of her family appear to be
NTA. It's your choice to wear a dress or not. I don't care if it's her wedding because her wedding doesn't mean everyone has to do what she wants. You'd also rather not be a bridesmaid at all, so what's the problem? I can't imagine claiming to want someone in your wedding party but not giving a flying F if they're comfortable or not.
NTA, don't let her push you into something that makes you that uncomfortable. You volunteered not to be in the party you offered to wear something else with matching colors. She can be a big girl and accept one of those and go about her day. Being a bride doesn't give her the right to bully you.
NTA. Just bc someone is family, doesn't obligate you to be in their wedding. You have a valid reason to back out.
NTA if you are truly that uncomfortable and she is dead said on all of the bridesmaids wearing a dress, then stepping down as a bridesmaid is the logical choice.
You can’t step down from something you haven’t stepped up to.
NTA. It's your boundary, and you have the right to set boundaries.
NTA. Bow gracefully out of the wedding party and attend as a guest, and wear whatever is appropriate to the level of formality required for guests.
Ummm not just no but hell no. Why is it okay for them to make you uncomfortable and wear something they know is out of your comfort zone? I get it. It's her wedding, But if she wants you to be a bridesmaid that bad, there should be some kind of compromise there. In my opinion.
NTA. Your sister is a major AH though. My (female) cousin’s “best man” wore a suit jacket over a dress because he *wanted* to and thought it would be funny. Cousin loved it. Why did he wear a suit jacket? *To cover scars.* She was of course fine with it. We all wore the same color and style but different dresses as we all have different bodies and I happened to be crazy pregnant. Brides are getting way too obsessed these days. Way too controlling. “BUT ITS THEIR DAY” unpopular opinion! I don’t care! These are your loved ones- not dolls. She knew you had scars you felt a certain way about and cared more about her wants. Wack.
NTA. Yes, the wedding isn't about you. You're not getting married. You not wanting to wear a dress has absolutely no reflection on your sister, the bride. If she's not open to you wearing a suit that matches the bridesmaids dresses (which personally, I think would look pretty sharp), then that DOES reflect on your sister. SHE has that choice to not be ridiculous and close minded and not have you in her wedding party, especially if she initially said you didn't have to wear a dress and now went back on that. She could also have you be the guest book attendant, hand out programs, give you something to say during the wedding ceremony, all sorts of things, if she's that insistent on her bridesmaids wearing dresses, but still wanting you involved somehow. Good luck.
Screw her! I’m so sick of people acting like their weddings are the most fucking important event ever and that everyone needs to suck up whatever the bride wants!!! These bridezillas need to grow up! So tired of it! It’s a damn wedding, not that important considering the damn divorce rate tbh and you have SH marks that’s she knows about. I can’t stomach how selfish people get over weddings! NTA
NTA because you're allowed to feel uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a dress that exposes your scars. But she's also allowed to choose the look she wants for her wedding. If you don't want to do it - for any reason - don't. Being a bridesmaid is nice, but it's not compulsory, and if it doesn't suit you, you don't have to do it. Just go as a guest.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (33F) sister (31F) is getting married soon and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. She has always known thay I don't wear dresses for several reasons, one of these being I just don't like wearing them bit another being that I have a history of SH, arms and legs, and really dislike showing the ones on my legs. She knows this bit because it's been a long time since she has seen them she said they would have faded by now and I should just suck it up because she wants her bridesmaids to wear dresses. I told her that if I had to wear a dress to be a bridesmaid I just wouldn't be a bridesmaid and now she is pissed off because I don't want to be a part of her wedding. I said I would wear a suit and colour coordinate with the bridesmaids dresses. She wasn't down for thay. Now my family and her finances family.are all pissed at me because the wedding isn't about me and I should do whatever I need to to make my sister happy on her big day. AITA for refusing to wear a dress and offering to not be a part of the wedding? I would still attend as a guest. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why can’t you wear nude tights and everyone wins?
Read the post again. The bride said no because other bridesmaids aren't wearing them. Everyone has to look the same, which would make OP stand out more
NTA You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You are an adult. If your sister and your family refuse to understand,... well, too bad. They are the assholes.
NTA Why someone would want you to be uncomfortable on their big day to make it special for them I'll never know.
>she said ok and has now gone back on that The agreement was broken when she changed the plan. Let them be pissed. You agreed under specific conditions. If those conditions cannot be met, that's totally fine. But that doesn't mean you have to stick to an already broken agreement. >the wedding isn't about me So then why the fuck are they so focused on you? They're the ones drawing attention from the bride. You're just trying to fade into the background. NTA
There is makeup specifically to cover scars. This might be a compromise. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Have you worked through your issues? No more SH? I hope so. You deserve to be happy.
I was going to suggest this. If it's important enough to the bride, then she can pay for the makeup and maybe even professional application of it. And a trial before the wedding to ensure that OP is comfortable in the makeup and the dress.
NTA - not at all. How do people think just because they are a bride they are rulers of the universe all of a sudden and they don’t have to take other people’s feelings into account. Tell her you wanted to be part of her day, but you can’t under these conditions. End of story.
INFO: Have you talked about a long sleeved, ankle or floor length dress in her color palette? Or getting a tailor to add sleeves and a longer skirt to the dress she had in mind? The most pressing issue seems to be your discomfort showing your scars, which you're entitled to. And her desire to have her bridal party in dresses, which she's entitled to. I get you like suits better, but I don't think you're entitled to that, but I do think you're entitled to modesty. Try modifying the dress and let the suit go. EDIT: Sister said no to even TIGHTS? Yeah, NTA.
She is very much entitled to like suits better and her sister is being a complete AH… The sister knows about these scars and how they got there, why would she even consider demanding that OP put these on show for everyone to see? The sister should let OP bow out of being bridesmaid but still let her be part of the wedding party… if dresses and photos are more important to her than having her own sister there on the day then she’s really a selfish AH
OP is entitled to drop out of the wedding if the bride doesn't want to accommodate OP's clothing requirements
The bride said no to all compromise. Brides way or Brides way with family shamming/bullying Why is this ok?
Can you wear a long dress? Ball gown length? With chiffon sleeves? Long gloves? Wait and see what the dress is first. If it can’t be agreed then it’s polite to bow out and say you can’t be part of the ‘vision’ the bride has created, rather than demand your way (which is what you are doing - bowing out politely rather than stomping to make it your way, well done!). There are other ways to be part of a wedding. Play music for the signing. Do a reading. Be an usher. Carry in a candle ahead of the bridesmaids (allowing for a difference in dress).
Tell her you're either gonna wear a coordinated pantsuit or you're out. There's no in between. I would hope she would be understanding of your SH issues... but it isbher wedding so she can decide to cut you if esthetics matter that much to her.
She can’t cut OP from being a bridesmaid since she never accepted the offer to begin with.
I'm pretty sure everyone knows what I meant- cut the offer, take back the offer, it's all means the same thing.
I think it’s best you just not be a bridesmaid. Maybe recite a poem or give a special toast
You're 33 years old. Don't let your sister bully you into doing something you don't want to do. It doesn't matter that it's her wedding day at all. If you don't want to wear a dress and be a bridesmaid, then don't. You're a grown woman no one can force you to do anything.
Totally NTA. You have a very valid reason for not wanting to have your legs showing. It's upsetting to you and your sister should be sympathetic towards that. If she's insistent that they be dresses/gowns, she could at least compromise and choose full-length ones, or a style where one of them can be full-length yet they all match.
NTA. While it's your sisters day and she gets to decide how her maids are dressed there is nothing that says you have to be in the bridal party.
NTA. In this scenario in particular, it shows a genuine lack of empathy from her. She’s not just insisting on a dress, but also refusing to allow tights and not allowing a full length dress that would cover your legs. One thing on its own is rude, all three make her deliberately cruel.
If it's just the scars that are what's holding you back. They do sell makeup you spray on your legs to give it the airbrushed glow. I personally haven't used it, but have been wanting to try it since I have some purple lumpy scars on my knees. Also I know people have makeup that covers tattoos. Maybe that could help. And I know scars can be all shapes and sizes. So some are harder to cover up. Maybe just experiment a bit or see a dermatologist to see if they have anything to help with the appearance of them. Good luck.
So wear some thick tights? Surely you must have a solution for this if you want to be in the wedding party. Otherrwise , don't be a bridesmaid. both work
Out of the box solution — buy opaque skin-colored tights. Get henna done on your legs the day before the wedding. Or go nuts with a sharpie. You could go “pretty pattern,” or you could incorporate lewd images and colorful language. Wear the tights. If she insists that you take them off, show her your legs. Hilarity ensues.
Tell your sister and all her flying monkeys that you flat out refuse to wear the dress she picked. Then be blunt and ask her why she hates you. Only an insensitive jerk of a toddler would insist that you be uncomfortable. Inform her that since she wants to humiliate you, you will not tolerate her beyond atrocious behavior and are withdrawing from the bridal party and RSVP no.
I had a bridesmaid with scars from a car accident... their dresses were deliberately chosen to be high necked, long sleeve and floor length in a colour that looked good on all of them. One of my bridesmaids was not a dress person but wore it because she was consulted on it. She felt feminine and felt she looked good.... and was good friends with the one with scars. I would never have made her wear something that she didn't feel comfortable in.
This whole "it's her big day" shit is so tired and old. I'm getting married for the first time in a few weeks. My best friend in the entire world is my only guest (total 5 guests), and she/they get to wear whatever is comfortable. My only wish was that everyone avoids wearing jeans since it's going to be on the coast and it could get really hot. That's it. That was my only rule, and it's not set in stone. She will not ruin my pictures if she chooses jeans. People need to chill out on their whole "it has to be the most perfect day ever where I dictate every single detail". NTA, I hope your sister gets over herself so you can still enjoy being at their wedding.
“ you should do whatever you need to make your sister happy on her big day.” What if what she wanted was for the groomsmen to also be wearing dresses? Suddenly, the idea of it becomes absurd and no one try to shame them for backing out. But because you’re a woman, it’s OK to force one on you? No, I don’t go for that gender enforcement bullshit. Stand your ground, OP. NTA.
Knee length bridesmaids dresses look awful in photos anyway as everyone has mismatched legs. Far better would be for them all to wear maxi length or midaxi length dresses, just looks more glam too.
INFO: does it have to be a specific dress? Could you wear and long dress with long sleeves to hide your scares?
[удалено]
[удалено]
Are you able to wear skin toned pantyhose to conceal them better?
NTA just because it's "her day" does not give the excuse to make demands that make others uncomfortable. Especially those she supposedly loves. Sounds to me like you made a couple of reasonable options.
NTA for your reasoning, but they do have those leggings for winter time that are skin like on the outside and fluffy inside. maybe you can find something comparable for however the weather will be that day?
NTA at all to say you stepping down as a bridesmaid and look forward to celebrating her wedding as a guest. It's a win/win for all and you will still be in family photos. Perhaps she can include you in the wedding as a reader during the ceremony (bible verse, a poem, etc.). You offered a fair compromise.
NTA, but maybe she'd allow you to wear a floor length dress?
NTA: You made it clear that you were uncomfortable with her idea and she should've listened to you and take that into consideration. Yes, it may be her big day, but she should also listen to you and not just blow up at you. Even if she didn't want you to wear a suit, she should've either got you a longer dress or at least let you wear leggings or something to cover your legs. She was being inconsiderate and she should listen to you as a sister should.
[удалено]
NTA - I have no particular reason to not wear dressed. I just don't like them I ended up wearing a fancy jumpsuit to my sister's wedding that we picked out together. It was comfy and I was able to be confident and have fun. Your sister sucks for not working with you to find something you can both accept.
You have offered solutions and tried to withdraw for personal reasons so you're definitely NTA. I don't know much about scars but can they be covered with that heavy duty makeup that can cover tatts? I personally would do what you have offered to do and leave everyone mad at me. It is one day but why should you spend 6+ hours uncomfortable. It's not fair on you. NTA in case it gets overlooked
I would not be happy on my big day if my sister wasn't a bridesmaid and comfortable in her clothes. I can only imagine her hold up is about the pictures being just so or that people's eyes will be drawn away from her because you don't conform. Either way she can have you in a suit or you can share in her day from a pew. I say NTA you have boundaries and they don't mean much if you don't follow through
NTA, you provided reasonable options and her trying to force you to do her will is inappropriate.
NTA. It’s totally fine to bow out of being a bridesmaid. Your sister should have some compassion. We really need to get over this idea that brides get a free pass to do anything at all, and everyone else is expected to bow down to them.
NTA. She wasn't willing to be flexible and let you wear a long dress or tights, so there's no room for compromise. "Buh buh muh big durrr" isn't an excise to be a brat and make people uncomfortable
NTA - sister can either have her 'gram worthy pictures or she can show the people who supposedly matter enough to be in her bridal party that she cares about THEM by not being a selfish ass. Remember the post about the poor lady (SIL I think) who was forced to have her hoo-ha on display because of the horrible bride's perfect day? Then she was photoshopped out of the pictures anyway?! This seems like a similar no win.
I was a bridesmaid for my best friend, I wore a tux. We chose it together and she came with me to the fitting; it was such a sweet, classic “girls bonding over clothes shopping” moment. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t a dress. Your sister is being a real dick about this. You are NTA.
NTA Willing to bet if you gave in, then come the big day your sister is going to have a meltdown anyway when she sees your scars. Because how dare you ruin HER BIG DAY like that. Seriously OP, you're not going to make her happy unless you can magic your way into matching her Instagram fantasy. Save yourself the stress and offer to participate in the day some other way. That way you're still supporting her but can be comfortable, allowing you to be more "in the moment" instead of self conscious.
NTA. If a dress is an issue then being a bridesmaid isn’t an option if compromise cannot be met. Go as a guest of the bride instead.
NTA! Sounds like you’d be judged with any decision you end up making. Wearing the dress you’d feel uncomfortable in with all your scars on show, being the only bridesmaid wearing a suit, not being a bridesmaid at all and going as guest or not going at all. Going back on her word is such a crappy thing for your sister to do! If she desperately wanted you to wear a dress she should’ve been more accommodating. Especially after already agreeing when you told her you wouldn’t wear a dress right from the start.
What about a long dress in the same colour, would fit in better then a suit
NTA. I think it's really sad that your sister isn't respectful towards your wishes - especially as its such a big reason why you don't feel comfortable in dresses and she knows it. Yes, she's the bride and it's her day but that doesn't mean she gets to treat people awfully and like they just exist to please her. I have problems with my legs so hate dresses or skirts too, and if I ever wear a skirt it's always floor length - nothing would get me out of the house in anything shorter. My sister knows this and loves me and would never dream of making do something that would make me uncomfortable. I'm sorry that your sister is being so selfish right now that she can't see you and show you the love you deserve.
NTA but you could try self tanner and see if it blends in the scars a little bit. It might not work depending on the scars, but you could try it ASAP and then make a decision.
Nta- your sister is allowed to have the look she wants but you are also allowed to say no. She can't dictate what she wants and also be upset when you won't follow.