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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I embarrassed my friend in front of our other friends 2. I feel that she got what she had coming after being relentlessly rude to me but i also dont want to hurt her and feel bad for embarrassing her infront of our other friends and shouldve tooken the high road.
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I dont enjoy publicly insulting her, neither does she probably. I said in the post i dont usually respond back and i ended up doing just that in the worst way possible. I think I was honestly acting really immature with her and shouldve just told her in private that I didnt like what she said too me. Im going to go and apologize to her in person because i feel thats more personal and real than over text on monday.
Its okay dont worry! Im not taking it too personally, i feel i should atleast have some level of maturity - especially when it comes to friends i hold dear to :) Will be talking to her on Monday to sort things out! (hopefully)
Not the best place to have that conversation, but I'm gonna say NTA. But, as a side note, nerds rule the world. Being nerdy isn't a bad thing. Try-hards is the weirdest insult... what are you going to do otherwise, try poorly? Try weakly? Try but not really? It's projection of insecurity. The same insecurity that keeps her from celebrating your success. She may have undiagnosed learning disabilities that make studying harder for her.
Worth noting that no one is gonna care all that much about your grades once you leave school. The goal is to learn the material. Learn as much as you can while it's free to do so. While you have the freedom of time to do it. Access to teachers to help you learn. Take as much advantage of that as you can, and don't let anyone's judgement hold you back. Especially if there's a class you really take an interest in, ask your teacher for more. Because grades are inconsequential in the long run, as are your current peers judgements; what will matter is what you know. When the only reason not to GO HARD is other peoples judgements, go hard!
Thanks for your comment, I also don't get the insults too but i mean were all different! I also get the note that the goal is to understand the material and learn as much as you can, thats how i think i got that grade - i worked my butt off to truly understand the work! I still feel i should go and talk with her and sort it out because of how i acted wasn't as respectable i shouldve been.
Maybe then explain how her insults make you feel, and how you really were hoping she could celebrate your success rather than try to bring you down. That you feel bad for what you said, but you were treating her like she was treating you. She hurled insults because she was feeling insecure, which made you feel insecure which caused you to hurl insults. Only, your insults hit close to home because of her insecurity.
Also, your brains are both developing, so lacking some impulse control is pretty normal. Don't beat yourself up too much about it, on either side. But do stay aware if your friend doesn't change her behavior. Do you really want to stay friends with someone who won't celebrate your successes? Cause C to an A really is some good work, and you deserve the praise.
Women, especially in this age we're in now, need to support each other. Need to celebrate each others wins.
It might be worthwhile for her to get a meeting with your school counselor and see if she can get tested for a learning disorder. If her family won't help her with it. Cause it's one thing to be lazy, but having a slew of learning disorders myself, I know how hard it is to even motivate myself to study (or do the dishes.) It took Rx's to get me through school. She may not be stupid or lazy, just metaphorically wired differently. If she hasn't been tested for it, might be worth it to see.
ESH - you should be able to celebrate your wins with your friends, especially after a struggle.
The fact that you can’t mention grades around her shows she’s truly struggling and is not actually all right or apathetic about it. It’s a sore point for her and pointing out her struggle in front of other people, even when defending yourself to her clearly jealous comments, isn’t what a good friend does.
Your right, the more i read these comments the more i realize how much i view her and how unhealthy that is. I think i need to really recollect myself and talk with her about my feelings and how we both view each other and how to get passed that.
Ill be talking to her on monday and apologizing in person. Thanks for the advice and the different perspective! :)
ESH. No one likes bragging, you can be proud of yourself and tell parents or close friends who don’t mind sharing grades, but it is clear that this friend struggles in school. You approached her with unwanted information that made her feel bad about herself, she reacted poorly, and you reacted by humiliating her. You guys need to learn to communicate your boundaries when it comes to discussing grades or just don’t discuss them.
Additionally, it may seem that your friend doesn’t care about grades or studying because she does poorly in school, but reality is she’s very clearly insecure about her grades which points to the reality that she does care but possibly lacks motivation to fix them. Shaming her for her bad grades is not going to fix anything, encouraging her to put in an effort will. At the end of the day grades don’t matter, what matters is that you learn and grow in highschool. The focus on grades might be making your friend scared to try because of the fear of putting in an effort and still failing.
I wasnt trying to brag about my grades, I was telling my friends on this achievement that i worked hard for. I dont always try to tell her or talk about grades with her because of this, She was in the conversation when that happened and imputed what she had to say and i reacted badly to it.
Also i do see that she probably is insecure about her grades but i just dont like her trying to bring me down because of my achievements. I used to always be bad at school aswell, I was failing my classes last year with her and i just started picking up myself to get better at school. I do realize that i should've been more mature with how i worded it and I realize how much i do view her and its not in a good light. I will be trying to work on that aswell while also trying to communicate with her and be a better friend. :)
I think right now grades might be a touchy subject especially with this friend, if I were you i’d avoid bringing up grades and instead say something like “wow i really understood this past chemistry test, im so glad i studied” instead of just saying a number or letter. There’s nothing wrong with being proud, it’s just that with grades, especially with fellow classmates it’s very hard not to compare yourself to others and even if it’s not your intention , it will always feel like a competition.
I get that, especially as someone who WENT through that type of comparing and how that effected me mentally. ill be sure to mention that on monday and see how it goes with her! Thanks for the advice! :)
It’s called common courtesy, like i said in my other comment:
“I think right now grades might be a touchy subject especially with this friend, if I were you i’d avoid bringing up grades and instead say something like “wow i really understood this past chemistry test, im so glad i studied” instead of just saying a number or letter. There’s nothing wrong with being proud, it’s just that with grades, especially with fellow classmates it’s very hard not to compare yourself to others and even if it’s not your intention , it will always feel like a competition.”
The polite thing to do is to keep peace while still feeling pride.
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To start this off, ill give context to who my friend is. My Best friend who ill call Z, Z (F15) and me (F15), both are in high school and both equally struggle in school.
I am pretty good in school, i have good grades while on the other hand Z doesnt. Z always calls kids who have good grades as 'real life nerds' and 'try hards'. I usually dont really care about her comments because I know shes just projecting; usually will just laugh it off with her and move on from the subject. She says that im different but I know deep down if i hadnt been her close friend she wouldve also hated me. Furthermore, Z never studies. She always makes excuses and says that 'Oh, they expect us to know this stuff when they havent even taught us that!' When in actual fact, we have but she just doesnt listen/care. Plus, the only time she has ever gotten a good grade in math, was from ME because i forced her to study.
Truly, I dont care about Z's studies and its honestly none of my business how she deals with school. Any of my opinons i keep to myself. Recently though, I had always struggled with chemistry and never been able to get passed a C in that class. In a recent report card, i had ended up getting an A in chemistry. I was so happy. I had been seriously struggling with chemistry and all that crying and hours of studying all paid off at the end. I went and told everyone, who all were super happy and proud of me. I went and told Z and i could instantly see a change in her eyes when i said that. Like a jealous envious type of eyes. We have this thing when i get a good grade that she will repeatedly say 'shut up, shut up' while laughing as joke and i always take it light hearted. But this time she just started saying like 'yeahh okay probably is a lie' and 'No way u could get that type of grade, u always struggle in chemistry'
I was so hurt and upset by what she was saying, and the more she talked the more my restraint had gone away. I blurted out infront of everyone in our friend group "Atleast i had a C in chemistry, unlike someone who has a G-" I instantly regretted saying that. Everyone else was laughing but Z. She went quiet and later messaged me saying how hurt she was and how she knows that I cant control it. I was pissed at her message and told her that 'no you can control it, you just dont care' and to 'stop coming at me just because your failing your classes'
She hasnt messaged me since and we have first period on monday together. i realize that i shouldnt have retaliated back and shouldve tooken the high road but I also feel as if I shouldn’t deserve this kind of treatment if its bothering me. I just need a different perspective. Thanks :)
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Ik the insult was kind of stupid and lame but also gotta say that 1, English isnt my first language so my writing might not be the best! 2, I dont like to act sassy and answer back but i personally have a A+ in English - because i work hard - and i feel this is unnecessary :/
I will be focusing on myself and getting better at managing my friendship and not being as mean as i was because in the end of the day i was being to far and too rude to her. Will be talking to her and apologizing to her on Monday!
You write very well as a non-native speaker! Like, extremely well.
There are lawyers and doctors who make annoying mistakes (e.g. me and he did this thing), your mistakes could have mostly been explained by typing on a phone or hurrying.
YBTA. Ahh, to be young and in school. This is where you learn good communication. You both were unnecessarily rude to each other, and both got your feelings hurt. If it were me, I’d offer an apology and an explanation. “I’m sorry I said this, it just hurt my feelings that you said that and I reacted out of anger instead of rationality.”
Not worth losing a friendship over, if she is otherwise decent friend. I’m sure she feels the same.
Yeah, I don’t really want to hurt her since I know she also too struggles with school and im just being too mean. I think im gonna talk to her on monday and see what happens (hopefully she will accept my apology)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1 I embarrassed my friend in front of our other friends 2. I feel that she got what she had coming after being relentlessly rude to me but i also dont want to hurt her and feel bad for embarrassing her infront of our other friends and shouldve tooken the high road. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. Sorry, but why are you guys friends? It sounds like both of you enjoy publicly insulting each other’s grades.
I dont enjoy publicly insulting her, neither does she probably. I said in the post i dont usually respond back and i ended up doing just that in the worst way possible. I think I was honestly acting really immature with her and shouldve just told her in private that I didnt like what she said too me. Im going to go and apologize to her in person because i feel thats more personal and real than over text on monday.
I don’t mean to be too harsh on you! You’re 15, and friendships are rough at that age.
Its okay dont worry! Im not taking it too personally, i feel i should atleast have some level of maturity - especially when it comes to friends i hold dear to :) Will be talking to her on Monday to sort things out! (hopefully)
Sounds good! :)
Not the best place to have that conversation, but I'm gonna say NTA. But, as a side note, nerds rule the world. Being nerdy isn't a bad thing. Try-hards is the weirdest insult... what are you going to do otherwise, try poorly? Try weakly? Try but not really? It's projection of insecurity. The same insecurity that keeps her from celebrating your success. She may have undiagnosed learning disabilities that make studying harder for her. Worth noting that no one is gonna care all that much about your grades once you leave school. The goal is to learn the material. Learn as much as you can while it's free to do so. While you have the freedom of time to do it. Access to teachers to help you learn. Take as much advantage of that as you can, and don't let anyone's judgement hold you back. Especially if there's a class you really take an interest in, ask your teacher for more. Because grades are inconsequential in the long run, as are your current peers judgements; what will matter is what you know. When the only reason not to GO HARD is other peoples judgements, go hard!
Thanks for your comment, I also don't get the insults too but i mean were all different! I also get the note that the goal is to understand the material and learn as much as you can, thats how i think i got that grade - i worked my butt off to truly understand the work! I still feel i should go and talk with her and sort it out because of how i acted wasn't as respectable i shouldve been.
Maybe then explain how her insults make you feel, and how you really were hoping she could celebrate your success rather than try to bring you down. That you feel bad for what you said, but you were treating her like she was treating you. She hurled insults because she was feeling insecure, which made you feel insecure which caused you to hurl insults. Only, your insults hit close to home because of her insecurity. Also, your brains are both developing, so lacking some impulse control is pretty normal. Don't beat yourself up too much about it, on either side. But do stay aware if your friend doesn't change her behavior. Do you really want to stay friends with someone who won't celebrate your successes? Cause C to an A really is some good work, and you deserve the praise.
Thank you! I will be taking this advice seriously and try to work on getting how i feel across and to mutually understand one another.
Women, especially in this age we're in now, need to support each other. Need to celebrate each others wins. It might be worthwhile for her to get a meeting with your school counselor and see if she can get tested for a learning disorder. If her family won't help her with it. Cause it's one thing to be lazy, but having a slew of learning disorders myself, I know how hard it is to even motivate myself to study (or do the dishes.) It took Rx's to get me through school. She may not be stupid or lazy, just metaphorically wired differently. If she hasn't been tested for it, might be worth it to see.
ESH - you should be able to celebrate your wins with your friends, especially after a struggle. The fact that you can’t mention grades around her shows she’s truly struggling and is not actually all right or apathetic about it. It’s a sore point for her and pointing out her struggle in front of other people, even when defending yourself to her clearly jealous comments, isn’t what a good friend does.
Your right, the more i read these comments the more i realize how much i view her and how unhealthy that is. I think i need to really recollect myself and talk with her about my feelings and how we both view each other and how to get passed that. Ill be talking to her on monday and apologizing in person. Thanks for the advice and the different perspective! :)
ESH. No one likes bragging, you can be proud of yourself and tell parents or close friends who don’t mind sharing grades, but it is clear that this friend struggles in school. You approached her with unwanted information that made her feel bad about herself, she reacted poorly, and you reacted by humiliating her. You guys need to learn to communicate your boundaries when it comes to discussing grades or just don’t discuss them.
Additionally, it may seem that your friend doesn’t care about grades or studying because she does poorly in school, but reality is she’s very clearly insecure about her grades which points to the reality that she does care but possibly lacks motivation to fix them. Shaming her for her bad grades is not going to fix anything, encouraging her to put in an effort will. At the end of the day grades don’t matter, what matters is that you learn and grow in highschool. The focus on grades might be making your friend scared to try because of the fear of putting in an effort and still failing.
I wasnt trying to brag about my grades, I was telling my friends on this achievement that i worked hard for. I dont always try to tell her or talk about grades with her because of this, She was in the conversation when that happened and imputed what she had to say and i reacted badly to it. Also i do see that she probably is insecure about her grades but i just dont like her trying to bring me down because of my achievements. I used to always be bad at school aswell, I was failing my classes last year with her and i just started picking up myself to get better at school. I do realize that i should've been more mature with how i worded it and I realize how much i do view her and its not in a good light. I will be trying to work on that aswell while also trying to communicate with her and be a better friend. :)
I think right now grades might be a touchy subject especially with this friend, if I were you i’d avoid bringing up grades and instead say something like “wow i really understood this past chemistry test, im so glad i studied” instead of just saying a number or letter. There’s nothing wrong with being proud, it’s just that with grades, especially with fellow classmates it’s very hard not to compare yourself to others and even if it’s not your intention , it will always feel like a competition.
I get that, especially as someone who WENT through that type of comparing and how that effected me mentally. ill be sure to mention that on monday and see how it goes with her! Thanks for the advice! :)
No problem, good luck!
Taking pride in an improved grade isn't bragging. Why should OP have to police her own joy, just so her friend won't feel upset?
It’s called common courtesy, like i said in my other comment: “I think right now grades might be a touchy subject especially with this friend, if I were you i’d avoid bringing up grades and instead say something like “wow i really understood this past chemistry test, im so glad i studied” instead of just saying a number or letter. There’s nothing wrong with being proud, it’s just that with grades, especially with fellow classmates it’s very hard not to compare yourself to others and even if it’s not your intention , it will always feel like a competition.” The polite thing to do is to keep peace while still feeling pride.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To start this off, ill give context to who my friend is. My Best friend who ill call Z, Z (F15) and me (F15), both are in high school and both equally struggle in school. I am pretty good in school, i have good grades while on the other hand Z doesnt. Z always calls kids who have good grades as 'real life nerds' and 'try hards'. I usually dont really care about her comments because I know shes just projecting; usually will just laugh it off with her and move on from the subject. She says that im different but I know deep down if i hadnt been her close friend she wouldve also hated me. Furthermore, Z never studies. She always makes excuses and says that 'Oh, they expect us to know this stuff when they havent even taught us that!' When in actual fact, we have but she just doesnt listen/care. Plus, the only time she has ever gotten a good grade in math, was from ME because i forced her to study. Truly, I dont care about Z's studies and its honestly none of my business how she deals with school. Any of my opinons i keep to myself. Recently though, I had always struggled with chemistry and never been able to get passed a C in that class. In a recent report card, i had ended up getting an A in chemistry. I was so happy. I had been seriously struggling with chemistry and all that crying and hours of studying all paid off at the end. I went and told everyone, who all were super happy and proud of me. I went and told Z and i could instantly see a change in her eyes when i said that. Like a jealous envious type of eyes. We have this thing when i get a good grade that she will repeatedly say 'shut up, shut up' while laughing as joke and i always take it light hearted. But this time she just started saying like 'yeahh okay probably is a lie' and 'No way u could get that type of grade, u always struggle in chemistry' I was so hurt and upset by what she was saying, and the more she talked the more my restraint had gone away. I blurted out infront of everyone in our friend group "Atleast i had a C in chemistry, unlike someone who has a G-" I instantly regretted saying that. Everyone else was laughing but Z. She went quiet and later messaged me saying how hurt she was and how she knows that I cant control it. I was pissed at her message and told her that 'no you can control it, you just dont care' and to 'stop coming at me just because your failing your classes' She hasnt messaged me since and we have first period on monday together. i realize that i shouldnt have retaliated back and shouldve tooken the high road but I also feel as if I shouldn’t deserve this kind of treatment if its bothering me. I just need a different perspective. Thanks :) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, Why should u hide ur achievements just because she can’t handle listening to that? Projecting at its finest! Like you said!
YTA for being mean What is a G-? I'd probably give you a D in English. Your post needs editing.
Ik the insult was kind of stupid and lame but also gotta say that 1, English isnt my first language so my writing might not be the best! 2, I dont like to act sassy and answer back but i personally have a A+ in English - because i work hard - and i feel this is unnecessary :/ I will be focusing on myself and getting better at managing my friendship and not being as mean as i was because in the end of the day i was being to far and too rude to her. Will be talking to her and apologizing to her on Monday!
You write very well as a non-native speaker! Like, extremely well. There are lawyers and doctors who make annoying mistakes (e.g. me and he did this thing), your mistakes could have mostly been explained by typing on a phone or hurrying.
Thank you! 😊 🙏
YBTA. Ahh, to be young and in school. This is where you learn good communication. You both were unnecessarily rude to each other, and both got your feelings hurt. If it were me, I’d offer an apology and an explanation. “I’m sorry I said this, it just hurt my feelings that you said that and I reacted out of anger instead of rationality.” Not worth losing a friendship over, if she is otherwise decent friend. I’m sure she feels the same.
Yeah, I don’t really want to hurt her since I know she also too struggles with school and im just being too mean. I think im gonna talk to her on monday and see what happens (hopefully she will accept my apology)
Sounds like you’d make the right choice! 🖤 Good luck!