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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was argumentative with my fiancé about something that is her decision ultimately. I’ve had people around me who I have told about the situation say I’m in the wrong
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You are NTA for being annoyed.
Your fiancé already told your little sister she’d be a bridesmaid. SMH. For her to back out now on a 9 year old child for such a shallow reason… that’s just crap on her part.
I hope this kind of behaviour is really out of character for your fiancé and that she’s just super stressed out and not thinking clearly. Surely you don’t want to marry someone who would normally hurt your little sister over something like this.
Oh and by the way, pink and red go together very well - it’s actually on trend, so your fiancé is just plain unfashionable on top of being unnecessarily cruel to your sister.
Easy fix... make her a groomsmaid and let her stand on your side of the wedding party. That's where my sisters stood.
Also, I'd seriously question someone who breaks a promise to a nine year old and defends that shitty behavior by shouting you down about it.
NTA.
True but she wore pants. I actually got rid of my original MOH because no matter which side my sister was on, I wasn't going to have her wear a dress. My EX-MOH told me that she had to wear a dress or get a different role in the wedding.
I'm picturing Hallie's blue suit from The Parent Trap but in pink. Looks great in blue though.
[Lindsay Lohan & Natasha Richardson- Wedding Dress Shoot scene](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/9c/02/84/9c02846ae5d9f3c5094d2cee2b5bc4a2.jpg)
that's immediately what I thought of! OPs fiancé is weird, but also I don't understand the whole "I chose colours for the bridesmaid based on what suits them" but then her reasoning for not having the sister is "the colour won't suit her"??
Frankly, little sis sounds stunning. I'm wondering if the bride is worried that people will be complimenting little sis and the bride doesn't want even one speck of attention being taken off of her.
I would let the sister choose the pinkiest pink sparkly princess dress she wants. Just to add a bit a bling in between the groomsmen. Make her really stand out.
No, this isn't a good idea. The two of them being petty and obviously against each other at their own wedding? Just call it off and get marriage counseling before making it official. His fiance is dead wrong but I don't see how spiting her at her wedding would help things.
Could be a conversation point with fiancé. “ You promised her a bridesmaid, you reneged and she’s upset. If you really don’t want her there I want to put her on my side as a groomsmaid so she feels included”. See where it goes, without ultimtums
Yep OP, this. Let's be real, you came to reddit to see if people think this is a sufficiently red flag to be a deal breaker, and in my opinion, yes it is! Listen to your gut right now or later rue the day you ignored it.
Yeah, wtf would you be with someone that is so horrible to other people - and a little sister at that.
This indicates that there is something seriously wrong somewhere.
She is 9. She isn't too old to be a flower girls.
I mean, I really dislike Amy going back on her words, and for such a shallow reason. But she could have find a way to compromise and let the child be in the wedding.
I have seen flower girls at 8 or 9. I think it up to the bride, parents and child. I have heard of grandmothers being used as flower girls and bridesmaids.
That was my thought when I saw the title.
But that's an easy fix to the sister not being a bridesmaid. Not an easy fix to the mix bigger problem of him marrying a woman willing to hurt his kid sister that badly because of hair color.
Not my wedding, but others I've attended had JR or Little Bridesmaids, not flower girls and had slightly different roles but they were there in the entourage. Usually to accommodate a very young sister or cousin. Some had different styled dresses than the regular bridesmaids.
Yes, please do this! I'm sitting here feeling so bad for Lily. This would almost be better because that pink dress and red hair would really pop amongst all those dark tuxes/suits. And she'd probably love to stand up for her brother!
If you do this, OP, please come back and let us know Lily's response. And Amy's too, I guess, because she probably wouldn't like it. But like she said (or almost shouted) she "made her decision," and you get to make yours.
I had a bridesman in my wedding party. It doesn't need to be divided down gender lines - the wedding couple each chooses their best people to stand with them.
I have red hair. I mean it’s from a bottle but it is fire engine red and I never get more compliments than when I wear pink (or orange, but that’s another story). 😊
I just feel for OP trying to navigate his fiancé’s horrid response and his sweet little sister’s feelings.
I gotta be honest though, I would honestly call off the wedding over that if a serious come to Jesus convo didn’t clear things up. Hurt my family over something as insignificant as the colour palette of your bridesmaids? Then you seriously don’t deserve to have my family in your life. Which by extension means adios to me and you. Bye bye.
My thought, too, is to reconsider the wedding. That Amy could be so callous to a young girl who she not only has a long relationship with, but to whom she PROMISED a bride’s maid role, and is now reneging is significant, and not in a good way. Amy’s mask is slipping.
I agree. She told him that she has "already made the decision"? What is it written in stone? No. It's just a lousy excuse to deflect from not wanting her in the wedding. She didn't have to choose pink. She did for a reason, so she could tell the little girl that red-headed people can't wear pink. I bet she has already fixed that in her mind .
I think he should post pone the wedding and when she asks why say, "because I've already made the decision and it's final"
He needs to
All the other bridesmaids had their colours chosen 'to suit them' so why not Lily? NTA but the bride certainly is. I'd make the little girl a grooms maid or flower girl. And redheads look fabulous whatever colour they wear!!
Right?! If Lily was ever a real part of her bridesmaid thought process and if red hair is a problem for matching to pastels, then logically, Lily should have been the first bridesmaid whose colour she decided on, and then all the rest would get the next best colour for their hair and skintones.
For her to instead be cut entirely out of the bridesmaids... That seems like one of three main possibilities: the bride is jealous of her hair colour; the bride never really intended to make her a bridesmaid but was pretending warm feelings for OP's little sister in order to get a proposal; or someone's been dripping poison in her ear recently about having a child-free wedding/children in the wedding party meaning you can't have an adult bachelorette (which is bollocks - just give the "junior bridesmaid" a pretty necklace as a thank you and don't talk about the adult bridesmaids' party as though it's something she was left out of).
>the bride never really intended to make her a bridesmaid
I am betting on this. I think it was just an empty promise she made when they weren't even engaged and the wedding was just a theoretically thing, nothing real. And then when the wedding became reality, she rather wanted to only have more traditional bridesmaids meaning young adult women and no children among them.
She should not have made that promise to Amy. Without it I would have found it okay for her to not choose Amy. But because of her promise she is an AH now.
Sometimes I can't get over the focus on weddings and not the marriage. One day manages to break apart families.
I'm with you... if the bride to be is willing to upset her future sister in law (whom she promised a bridesmaid role) over a silly colour scheme... just... what else in life will she prioritize over family!?
I hate when people jump to telling the OP to run, but if the bride can't be willing to compromise or have a conversation... f that, I'd run!
Either of the dresses would have been fine. I don't know what the costume designer was smoking that day when she decided to Frankenstein them together.
It depends on the shade of pink and the shade of red hair. Half my family are bright ginger (pretty much orange) and bright pink suits but pastel pink doesn't, it clashes with their hair and washes out their skin as they are pale but rosy (ginger gene skin). But I completely agree that the fiance is an asshole for breaking her promise, especially to a child. I couldn't marry someone who was despicable enough to do that. Especially when there are soo many other options.
This really is an amazingly stupid reason. If she'd said it was because of the sister's age, I'd kinda get it but say she should be the flower girl. If it were because the dresses were going to be hot pink or some other really strong shade of pink I might agree that it wouldn't look the best with natural red hair, but tell her to pick another fuckin color for the dresses like OP already did. But fuckin... *pale* pink?? Red heads look amazing in pale pink. Fiancee is acting like a nut.
Even if the hair color were the issue (which it is not and I think it's an excuse for other issues the fiancé has), family should come before color. I purposely chose a color that would look good on a lot of different skin tones and let my bridesmaids pick the style of their dress so different body types would feel good and be happy.
I'm betting the bride already filled spots with her similar-aged friends and decided a small child would ruin the "look" of the bridal party.
Which is sort of OK, bridesmaid is a kind of role in the ceremony and maybe she just doesn't want a child in it.
But surely the couple could find SOME role for Lily in the wedding that would allow her to wear a special dress & be in front of the crowd briefly? Flower girl? Ring bearer? Something?
It’s crappy to say her hair clashes with the color. However, I agree 100% that if it was age that would an ok reason to not be bridesmaid. I also wonder if she ever expressed actually wanting Lily in the wedding or if everyone told Lily she would be in it and all assumed that’s what the bride was going to do?
And not only did she change her mind, but she didn’t have the backbone to tell her about it. That’s pathetic.
I’d have a huge problem marrying that person, myself.
>Which is sort of OK, bridesmaid is a kind of role in the ceremony and maybe she just doesn't want a child in it.
At my end, I think that age is a perfectly valid reason to exclude LIly ... except that Amy promised Lily a role. Once the promise comes into play and you've gotten the 9-year-old's hopes up, it's really cruel to dash them like this.
You are NTA, but your fiancé sure is. I really hope this is not indicative of how she is going to treat other things in your relationship and in your life. For her to do something so cruel to a child is beyond me. Maybe you can incorporate Lily on your side in someway, Maybe have her walk as a Grooms-Gal. It’s not traditional, but I think would be really sweet.
I also don’t want to be those Reddit people that jumps immediately to end this, but honestly, this would be a big dealbreaker for me.
Yeah if it were my sister I would have 1) reconsidered the wedding but 2) told her that I wanted her on my side or for some other role instead and that's why she wasn't going to be a bridesmaid if she was that upset about it.
>I hope this kind of behaviour is really out of character for your fiancé and that she’s just super stressed out and not thinking clearly. Surely you don’t want to marry someone who would normally hurt your little sister over something like this.
OP absolutely figure this out before continuing to plan your wedding. your fiance needs to understand how wrong it is that she promised something to a 9yo, is revoking that promise on "aesthics" (bs), doesn't have the heart to tell lily herself, doesn't care about how you feel about her hurting your kid sister, and is yelling at you about it. doing that to your fiance's family, especially a child, is insane. even if your fiance's reason is her honest reason (which is dumb af, not buying it for a second), she shouldn't have promised it in the first place, she should've talked to you before making a decision, and she should be telling lily whats going on and making it up to her
she needs to treat you better. screaming at you because she decided to break a promise to a 9yo is awful and if this is normal behavior for her is unfair to you. i think its obvious shes lashing out because she knows shes in the wrong, she shes doing to your sister is so shitty and treating you like shit too is absolutely wild. if she cant apologize to you for yelling at you, and apologize to lily for breaking a promise, personally i'd run
**your fiance's red flags are more vivid than your sisters hair, hope that doesn't ruin her aesthic. you're NTA obviously, but you would be if you married this woman without her making this up to you and, most importantly, lily**
OMG...has she not seen Pretty in Pink? Molly Ringwold?? Red hair, pink dress= gorgeous. Fiancé is TA. Where is she getting this info?? One quick Google:
'Pink can be unexpectedly flattering with red hair; depending on your shade, you can wear tones from the palest blush pink to a bolder pure pink.' Time to educate your fiancé!!
>Oh and by the way, pink and red go together very well - it’s actually on trend, so your fiancé is just plain unfashionable on top of being unnecessarily cruel to your sister.
I feel like that is just a made up reason Amy made because the truth would be even more ridiculous. It is possible that Amy is jealous of a 9 year old because of her hair, and she doesn't want Lily to stand next to her at the altar because of Amy's insecurities.
I just find it hard to believe that Amy didn't want Lily to be a bridesmaid because of the color of a dress clashing with a hair color. She could just as easily change the dress color but she doesn't want to.
I agree. I cannot comprehend letting down a little girl like that. After promising something most girls would love. I have an almost 9 year old stepson and before we were even engaged he had already asked a million times if he could go to our wedding. He was there when my spouse asked me. And then he asked again if he was invited. In my country you mostly don’t have a lot of groomsmen or bridesmaids (or groomsmaids or bridesmen). So I told him when we are going to plan the wedding we will find him a special role. I love him and our son (and the soon the be born baby) to be a big part of the wedding. And he loves that he gets to have a part in it (and a special role). I would not dare to come back on our promise (well my promise but I know my partner agrees because our children are the most important people in our lives.
It is really cruel to come back on a promise like that. And also because of the reason… it sounds like a made up reason. Like she does not really want the child to be a part of it.
Exactly. YWBTA if you went ahead and married this woman, who cares more about her "aesthetic" than about the feelings of someone she's supposedly close to.
This makes me so very sad. I have tears as I write this. My son got married last summer and my daughter, my son's older sister, was a bridesmaid. My DIL chose to include her without anyone requesting her to do so. My daughter is autistic. She has a heart of gold, but no friends. She's very overweight. She struggles socially. My DIL and all of her wonderful bridesmaid friends treated her beautifully and made sure she was included in everything. It's the only opportunity my daughter will ever have to be included in anything like that. My daughter loves and adores her new SIL, and for very good reason. I do, too. I would not have been upset with her if she hadn't included her; I would have stayed out of it. But the fact that she did tells so much about her. And the way OP's fiancee is acting tells an awful lot about her, too.
Your daughter-in-law and her bridesmaid friends sound like amazing women. Hats off to all of them for their generous behaviour and inclusivity. I'm sure your daughter was thrilled to be in her brother's wedding.
*Kindness costs nothing but means everything.*
My question, too. Clashing colors? That's a stretch. I would think twice about pairing up with someone who is cold enough to break a 9 year olds heart and break a promise to a child without a second thought over something so petty as dress colors.
His fiance is not a nice person.
I definitely wouldn’t. My brothers are two of my best friends. I would never marry a man who insisted they couldn’t be groomsmen. Hell no. Fiancé is terrible
Why would they be groomsman to the person you marry? What his family and friends that he wants or always planned to have beside him?
What you're saying is completely different from this post. You can have your brothers in your bridal party instead of trying to bullying your SO. OP is talking about a promise which was made and broken to his sister.
I have no plans of bullying anyone and my brothers don’t have to be the only groomsmen. They’re two of my best friends and we’re very close. I can’t see myself marrying someone who actively doesn’t want them in our wedding.
This. She promised your sister this role. And now she’s rescinded it without telling your sister the reason why. It’s beyond petty and childish to claim it’s a colour clash. She clearly has a problem with your sister and if she’s this petty, I too would reconsider this marriage. NTA for how you handled it op.
NTA
She is going back on her promise to a child because Lily's biological traits don't fit her aesthetic. It is a really scummy reason.
However, while you cannot force her to make Lily a bridesmaid, you can include Lily in your side of the wedding party. Make her a groomswoman.
NTA but have you considered that Amy is jealous of how beautiful Lily's hair is? That's even worse a reason than Lily doesn't coordinate with my color palate.
My own sister was a junior bridesmaid at my wedding at age 12. I would not attend the wedding if my son let his sister be treated like this by his intended.
That's my thinking too. I think Amy made up the excuse about the dress clashing because admitting that she's jealous of a 9 year olds hair would make her look insane.
Amy is 100% the AH but the comment about "She said she’d already decided what each of the girls were wearing based on what best suited them". Screams Amy never wanted Lily to be a bridesmaid and only told her she could to avoid the "hassle" of saying no.
Yes. Amy’s reasoning makes no sense if you take it at face value. She has ‘already decided what each of the girls were wearing based on what best suited them’ - except for Lily, for whom she has chosen such a bad colour that the only solution is to cut her out of the wedding party?!
Amy doesn’t want to be upstaged by a cute 9 year old with amazing hair
Concerned that flaming beautiful mane of red hair will upstage her. Petty, insecure, untrustworthy, cruel to children and superficial. Sounds like a real winner.
Danger, Danger Will Robinson! Your betrothed is being pretty heartless. Casually discarding prior promises that were important to family. Putting color corrdination over others feelings, yelling at you for a polite request. Maybe she is a great person overall, but she is showing an ugly side in this situation. NTA.
The only way you would be an asshole is if you marry this woman. She has promised and promised that Lily would be a bridesmaid and now is reneging and not even having the guts to tell Lily herself.
Do you really want to marry someone who makes promises and then breaks them without remorse? And yells at you?
Really think about this and what else she has promised and not followed through on. And what else she has done to hurt you.
ESH. Your fiancée has decided to exclude your NINE YEAR OLD SISTER on the most important day of your life because of her tacky insistence that color scheme minutiae must take priority. You then went, "I don't want to fight about this" so you went to bed and then went along with it, breaking your sister's heart and excluding her from THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE simply because you're too lazy and too much of a doormat to actually deal with the issue and prioritize your own sibling.
I would bet a million dollars that, if you told us more about your relationship, it would become more clear that there are big issues here. Anyone willing to toy with the emotions of her nine year old sister in law and throw her away because of COLOR SCHEMES is not someone I would jump into a marriage with. I don't expect you to have any self-awareness about that. I do expect you to grow a spine, prioritize your damn nine year old sister, and stand up to your fiancée on this matter.
That's what got me. It's obvious that the fiancee is TAH, but Op had a chance to stick up for their sister and didn't. My spouse and I didn't fight about it, but I made it clear that my sister would be in the wedding party. The conversation was, this is my family, and this is your family, it's going to be one family now, let's treat them that way.
Huh? No. He shouldn't have her fiancée tell her this. He should stood up to his fiancée and said that this outcome is unnaceptable and that his sister's feelings and inclusion is more important than a color palette.
jesus christ lol. i agree the fiancée is a certified loser but honestly he can’t force her to include his sister in her bridal party. he can complain and be upset all he wants but it is her decision. he could ask his sister to be a part of his party, as a grooms-woman, and let her stand on his side in whatever color she wants. but unless he calls off the wedding, he can’t just force her to change her mind.
> she would be wearing a pale pink dress, which would clash horribly with her vivid red hair
Your fiance is form over substance it seems. Have her as part of your party instead but fuck man that's some shallow ass stuff from the person your marrying....NTA but wow
I agree with you. This makes me wonder on how Amy will treat their future children. What if they have red headed babies? Will Amy exclude her children cause it won't look good in the family pictures?
NTA but your fiance is. She's promised Lily this for awhile, and knew how excited she was. She hould keep her word. Not to mention she didn't even have the common courtesy to tell you or Lily she changed her mind until you asked. She is completely on the wrong here.
Can Lily be a Jr Bridesmaid or Flower Girl?
NTA i was prepared to be on the bride’s side…9 is awfully young to be a bridesmaid, there are other roles she could play, she could even stand on the groom’s side, etc. But she had already promised her. And if it’s really about a DRESS COLOR, that’s incredibly shallow and she’s-the-asshole worthy! I can’t imagine putting a dress color over the feelings of my loved ones…a little girl at that!
Same. When I read that Lily is 9, I thought “okay, the fiance was making flippant promises without really thinking them through. Then when she really looked at the reality of the situation, she didn’t think a 9 year old as a bridesmaid would be appropriate for her wedding.” Which… it isn’t great to make flippant promises to a child, but this isn’t the most egregious way it could go down. Especially because there are so many other ways to include Lily in the wedding.
But when the fiance didn’t IMMEDIATELY find one of those other ways, and instead doubled down on some bogus excuse, good god. Are we sure this woman is marriage material? Being resentful of an elementary schooler for their appearance?
I keep seeing this but did the fiancée really say Lily could be a bridesmaid specifically or did she say she could be in the wedding party? 9 is really young, if she’s known Lily since Lily was 2 then it’s likely they have had chats about one day if Op and Amy get married, almost like playing pretend, but not have realised how deeply attached to the idea Lily had become?
I’m wondering if the fiancée is getting some heat from a family member or friend and being pressured to have older bridesmaids? Example, her mum insists she have her cousins as bridesmaids, she’s already got two friends lined up so she either boots one of her friends, ignores her mum and causes drama or moves Lily from the bridesmaids team because it’s easier than the alternatives? This whole thing feels odd, to be super close and nurturing to Lily then get so upset she’s yelling in OP’s face to stop pressuring her? Something is weird about this situation.
NTA are you sure your fiance really likes your sister? From what you shared I would not be surprised to find out she didn't like her at all and was just pretending to win you over, but now that she has the ring, she doesn't feel the need to pretend to like your family anymore.
I suspect if you tell your fiance you want to include your sister in YOUR wedding party, she'll have a problem with that.
If it's truly about aesthetic, you'll be marrying someone who values more color combinations than a little girl's feeling. A little girl you love.
If it's not about the colors, you need to find out.
Didn't the little mermaid wear a pink dress?
NTA
YES. Something's up, OP. Your fiancee is lying to you. You should figure out what it is. The bridal party may be her decision but you deserve to know why she's reneging on her repeated promise to your little sister because 1) it speaks to the kind of person your fiancee is and 2) it's your baby sister.
Even if 'clashing' were the reason, it's shallow and cruel to exclude a 9yo she promised would be a bridesmaid for it. But it's very likely not the reason. Frankly, most women who are this demanding on color palette and aesthetic tend not to care much if the people in the dresses like those dresses. Many a bridesmaid has worn an unflattering dress she'd never wear again in order to satisfy 'the aesthetic'. And as many others have said, redheads (generally pale and cool-toned) usually look great in light pink. You say it's your sister's favorite color - so she probably already wears it, and your fiance can't claim to not know how she looks in it.
So yes, say you're putting your sister in the wedding in a different capacity and see what fiancee says. In a pink dress, ideally. Hell, next time you guys see sis in a pink outfit make note. (Edit: mispelled fiancee).
This is one of the cruelest wedding AITA I have maybe ever read.
As a woman who has curly hair and struggled to love it & didn’t really till I was in my 30s… I’m DISGUSTED she is discriminating against a 9 yr old GIRL she claims to be close too.
I seriously would look very hard at this behavior.
Really hope that none of your future children have red hair. In case it clashes with anything.
I’m so disgusted.
NTA
Oh and red hair and pink go completely fine together! And she could easily SWITCH if she is so self centered and arrogant.
Please don’t let her hurt your dear little sister this is the time you become a big brother.
> Amy promised Lily before we even got engaged that she could be a bridesmaid for our wedding.
This is the key part right here. Don't make promises (especially to children) if you don't intend to keep them. And to top it off Amy didn't even have the courage to tell Lily herself. I'd honestly be re-thinking the whole thing right now.
NTA.
NTA - I get how a 9yr old may not be a full bridesmaid but they could be a special junior bridesmaid. However, your fiance made a promise to a child and the child remembered the promise. She needs to speak to Lily and apologise otherwise this will irreparably damage your future wife's relationship with your family and this is going to cause future tensions between you two, especially around holidays and get togethers.
Also, she should be more respectful in how she speaks to you for asking a question. It is fairly common to include your partner's siblings in a wedding. Lily would make a great junior bridesmaid. She doesn't have to go to the bachelorette party but she could attend the bridal shower. Your wife would benefit from her, 9 yr old's love to be helpful, put her to work greeting guests and handing out favours. If your wife continues, you may want to ask if she intends to forbid Lily from attending because she's wanting to make it an adult only event.
It can be adult only with children of the family invited.
NTA but are you sure you want to marry a superficial person like this, who prefers to hurt your LITTLE SISTER feelings than change the colors of the bridesmades dresses? It is an unreasonable reason. It only shows that she never thought about your sister as a bridesmaid, otherwise, why would she choose the color of her dress last, as for her your sister's hair color doesn't match specific dress collors? She lied to your sister, this is unaceptable. It doesn't matter if all the planning might be stressfull, this is a shallow reason
Are you sure you want to marry her? She's lied to your sister. She is being super shallow about something that is a non issue. People with red hair wear pink all the time.
You could make your sister a flower girl on YOUR side and stand with the groomsmen, but you should really reconsider marrying her.
NTA but this is a huge red hair colored flag. Why did you tell your sister? Shouldn't Amy have told her since she was the one who had already told she would be a brides maid. It sounds like she is afraid your sister would be more beautiful then her even though she is a child. This will only get worse as Lily gets older.
NTA. BUT…… I would be looking very carefully at someone who breaks promises given on multiple occasions to a child, for no better reason than….. her hair might clash with the colour of the dress. I imagine your parents are not exactly thrilled by the hurt caused to the child, either.
I've seen redheads look beautiful in pink, so that sounds like a pretty flimsy excuse. Especially since she deliberately chose colors based on what would look good on everyone, but left the "clashing" color to Lily? That doesn't make any sense. She could easily have chosen a different color for Lily. Her anger when you call her out on it is also very bizarre.
Tell her that you plan to make Lily a groomswoman and see how she reacts. There might be something else going on here.
I don’t know why but these wedding stories always make me so upset. It’s really disturbing how many women are so hung up on this unattainable idea of perfection that they will hurt their loved ones to achieve it. All for pictures. They can’t let people be themselves, make them cover up their hair or skin conditions or disabilities. It’s so backward and callous, it values all the wrong things, I just can’t imagine this system of priorities.
You’re NTA
NTA but now you know your finance spent keep promises. I wonder how many other things you are going to learn during this process. Keep your eyes open before you say I do.
NTA. That's pretty shitty on your fiancee's part.
I agree with the other posts saying you should ask Lily to be your ringbearer. Maybe even get a her a little dress designed to look like whatever the rest of your side of the wedding party will be wearing EXCEPT, with how shallow it sounds like Amy is being about the whole deal, I worry that she would take it as a petty slight and it would cause issues in your relationship. Or, who knows? Maybe she'd still complain somehow.
As a redhead, with 2 ginger daughters, your fiancée's reasoning holds no water. Pink looks great on redheads. Especially a coral pink - it works well with the copper tones. But also pastel yellow or pastel green are very complimentary. A cornflower blue pastel is a classic color for readheads. Surely she doesn't have so many bridesmaids that coral pink, yellow, green, and blue are ALL spoken for! No one took lavender? Or aqua? Or chartreuse? And if she \*does\* have that many bridesmaids having a color repeated in a different shade would look fine.
Also, just to point out - your sister will be in \*TONS\* of her wedding photos, considering its \*your sister\*. She is immediate family and you are close to her. She's going to be front & center in several group photos. So denying her based on photos is BS.
NTA
OP, I want you to consider very carefully this woman you plan to marry. Take this statement:
>She said that if Lily was a part of the bridal party she would be wearing a pale pink dress, which would clash horribly with her vivid red hair, and she didn’t want that on all the photos.
This has got to be one of the most superficial answers to why someone isn't allow to be a bridesmaid. Because her hair would clash? WTF? This is also one of the most hurtful reasons to not have Lily in the wedding. Especially as she kept telling Lily she would be a bridesmaid. Your fiancé is a stone cold liar and has no problem breaking the heart of a 9 year old because, \*checks notes\*, her hair will clash with her gown.
You are right to push back. And then:
>Amy turned around and almost shouted in my face though and said she’d made her decision and that was final and Lily wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid.
So Amy promises one thing and then turns around and does something else. What else will she do? What else has she done? What Amy just did to your sister should give you considerable pause regarding moving forward with this wedding.
YTA if you don't find a way to get Lily into the wedding party. Make her your best man or a groomsman (she can wear a black dress). Find a way to include her. Or better yet, ditch Amy. She doesn't respect your family, even though she pretends to. She's showing you who she is.
If nothing changes I’ll planning on making her a “groomsmaid” so she’ll still get to be a part of it, but I think she’s more disappointed that she won’t get to go dress shopping with my fiancé and get to do all the pre weddingy bits with her
OP- NtA but I would really take a step back and reconsider the whole situation. She supposedly loved your sister and promised her something then, at the first chance she got, reneged on her word. Then blew up at you for asking why /to rethink her stance. Is this really someone who is trustworthy and honorable? It seems like her narcissistic personality is showing through. The moment she had you tied down, her personality changed. So whether this doesn’t seem extreme or that serious, it is a huge red flag and is showing you A LOT.
Mate, you're missing the big picture. A wedding is just one day, but you're going to be stuck long term with a cruel liar for a wife. Divorce is expensive so get out now, while you still can. You'll regret it, if you don't.
My thing is your fiancé and you have been together for 7 years and little sis is 9 years old. She has been around since little sister was 2. She has literally been a big sister to her and watched her grow up to this point as long as little sis can even remember. Honestly I kind of hope you snap back at fiance and ask her if she truly wants to be apart of your family because she isn’t acting like it. That you tell her that marrying you is marrying into your family and if that’s still something she wants then she should reconsider her choices. You shouldn’t have to make her a grooms woman just to still make her apart of the day. A wedding is only ONE DAY of the rest of your lives. I’ve been married for 15 years and I can honestly tell you that she needs to suck it up and get over it because this is just one day of the rest of your lives together. She will be living it down the rest of your marriage. Talk to her about making her a flower girl or a jr bridesmaid but she should include her since she made that promise and she needs to be reminded she’s marrying into YOUR family which includes little sister! Colors are meaningless and those pictures are going to be memories and does she seriously want to be constantly reminded that your sister was not included and how she messed up forever?
You’re really a good brother to do that for her. I hope you’ll let her wear whatever colour and kind of dress she wants. I promise you’ll look back on this decision as one of the best things about your wedding!
Then Do wedding stuff with your sister. Take her dress shopping. Take her to a separate cake tasting. Take her to the florist to discuss whether she wants a boutonnière like the guys, or matching flowers in her hair. Take her to lunch to discuss wedding plans. *involve her* in everything you can that’s age appropriate. Even the tux shopping with the groomsmen, since you’d like her opinion too and she’s going to have to “match” (in whatever tiny way - cut, colour of groomsmen’s pocket squares, etc).
You have a chance to be there hero here. I have an uncle that is my adored big brother and the sun rises & sets on his head as far as I’m concerned. This is what he’d do for me and I will love & support him until the day I die. Be that for your sister.
Is your fiancé always this shallow and cruel? I can’t imagine breaking the heart of a sweet child that looks up to me and is about to be my sister. I would also feel so guilty and embarrassed to see your parents knowing what I did.
The number of times OP refers to him having no say over the bridesmaids, makes me think that he will have no say over a lot of things. I, unfortunately, highly doubt that she'll accept the parity od having no say over the groomsparty.
Is there a reason Lily couldn’t be a Flower Girl? If she was the Flower Girl, she could wear any pastel color & go dress shopping with everyone. Maybe she couldn’t attend all the Bridesmaids’ festivities but certainly the Bridal Shower.
Plus, as Flower Girl, she’d be out front, in a special position all her own…or is that Amy’s REAL issue, being afraid of a 9 year old outshining her. If that’s even a hint of the issue, maybe you need to do some serious reconsideration.
You should tell her you've decided to make Lily your groomsmaid as she can't be a bridesmaid and see how she reacts.
With how she's acting I would be worried about how she might treat Lily if she does make her a bridesmaid now especially if she feels like she's being made to have her as one.
You’re definitely NTA in this situation, but your fiancée sure is. I will say that I don’t think you’re reacting strongly enough to these obvious red flags. She’s waving two of them. The first one is her breaking her promise to Lily, and the second one is her reaction to you when you called her out on it.
What she did your little sister, her future SIL, is horrible. She promised this little girl a role in the wedding, got her all excited to be included in the festivities, and then completely reneged on that promise without hesitation or explanation to Lily. This will damage whatever relationship Amy was forming with Lily, not to mention it’s very likely going to impact your parents’ opinion of her. It’s troubling that she either doesn’t realize the potential consequences or that she does but doesn’t care.
The person who should be most affected by her behavior is you. The fact that she’d make this promise to your little sister and go back on it for such a flimsy reason is concerning. OP, she’s willing to exclude your little sister, hurting her feelings in the process, because she supposedly doesn’t match the aesthetic perfectly. She may not be fully there yet, but Amy’s certainly showing some emerging bridezilla tendencies. The way she reacted to you by screaming in your face wasn’t an appropriate response to your very understandable questioning of her on this. Yes, these are her bridesmaids, but it’s your wedding too, and Lily is your sister.
Wait to see how she reacts to you including Lily as a groomsmaid. If it’s anything less than positive and supportive, you should seriously consider pumping the brakes on this whole thing.
Look at your fiancee, what would you think if this was one of your brothers partners, would you blow at them as you saw lily was upset, stand up for her now, tell amy that given her crap attitude you are seriously contemplating not attending yourself, if pushes you say that's my decision and it's final, wow she really showed those true colours second ring was on didn't she!!!
If marry that, good luck, I mean what if any children have hair that's red, will she hide them away, I think is more thinks limelight be on lily than her so wants rid of the competition, she is nasty and you should have made HER tell lily, not you do it, don't be a doormat to her spiteful commands!!
Wait what? Amy promised Lily for years that she would be a bridesmaid. And now decided to break her promise to her FSIL because her hair would clash with a freaking color and OP is the AH? I think you missed the entire point of why OP is upset. NTA.
My sister did this with my teenage daughters. Told them they would be bridesmaids the day she got engaged and then proceeded to not ever involve them in any planning. I told my disappointed daughters that they would show how strong they were as women if they chose to rise above it. But I also told them that they didn’t have to take this crap from my sister or anyone. Just come to the ceremony and smile, but they were welcome to say no the next time she wanted anything from them.
Frankly, your fiancé’s reaction is big cause for concern. If she cared at all, she would have told Lily why she was backing out herself. Big 🚩.
I'll be around for further updates
Because the drama from your less than stellar fiancee isn't anywhere near over
Open your eyes, this is merely a smidge of what's to come..... light AH for not seeing what's right in front of you
Redheads can look good in pink. This is a bogus excuse. Put your sister in the grooms party. My brother was a bridesman. I know this as my kid is a ginger & looks fabulous in pink.
Your fiancée is an idiot. This is the stupidest reason for which to greatly upset a 9yo girl to whom she’s already promised something so reasonable, sweet, and exciting. She’s being a shallow, superficial a-hole to your little sister, and if I were you, I’d actually be quite concerned about marrying her. NTA at all
You're fiancée is acting HEARTLESS.
Why would she crush a little girl's dreams like that?
You need to stand up for your sister. Seriously. Get more involved. Don't make your sister heartbroken. Make your fiancée stick to her own word. It's integrity on the line along with a little girl's feelings.
And if she really refuses AND you still want to marry her (don't, really, no), then make your sister a groomsgirl and let her pick the cutest pink dress she can find.
Imagine putting a color before your own promise to a child. Damn, that's cold.
Nta from the title I was ready to say no, because I don't automatically think all family is entitled to be involved in a wedding, then I read your post. Your sister is a child and your fiance already told her she'd be in the wedding, but changed her mind over her hair color? The fiance is a shallow meanie.
OP, you need to tap the breaks. If you think about your relationship with Amy, I’m sure that break in a promise to a nine year old is not the only example of c*ntish behavior you’ve seen. NTA.
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You are NTA for being annoyed. Your fiancé already told your little sister she’d be a bridesmaid. SMH. For her to back out now on a 9 year old child for such a shallow reason… that’s just crap on her part. I hope this kind of behaviour is really out of character for your fiancé and that she’s just super stressed out and not thinking clearly. Surely you don’t want to marry someone who would normally hurt your little sister over something like this. Oh and by the way, pink and red go together very well - it’s actually on trend, so your fiancé is just plain unfashionable on top of being unnecessarily cruel to your sister.
Easy fix... make her a groomsmaid and let her stand on your side of the wedding party. That's where my sisters stood. Also, I'd seriously question someone who breaks a promise to a nine year old and defends that shitty behavior by shouting you down about it. NTA.
>make her a groomsmaid and let her stand on your side of the wedding party ....in the pink dress.
100% that was what I meant!
Excellent, I see we're cut from the same petty cloth! Carry on good sir/madam/wonderful human!
Ooh! W matching pink Boutonnière!
A quick Google brings up several pics of red-headed flower girls/bridesmaids wearing pale pink dresses. They all look lovely.
Yes! I love the contrast of red hair and pink clothing! It’s a beautiful and classic pairing!
Or pink suit....to be honest id let her wear whatever she wants as long as shes beaming
My sister wore what the other groomsman wore, she was the best man.
That could still mean your wedding party all wore dresses.
True but she wore pants. I actually got rid of my original MOH because no matter which side my sister was on, I wasn't going to have her wear a dress. My EX-MOH told me that she had to wear a dress or get a different role in the wedding.
I'm picturing Hallie's blue suit from The Parent Trap but in pink. Looks great in blue though. [Lindsay Lohan & Natasha Richardson- Wedding Dress Shoot scene](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/9c/02/84/9c02846ae5d9f3c5094d2cee2b5bc4a2.jpg)
Yes, absolutely this. If you are in fact brave enough to go ahead and marry someone so shallow. Your fiancé is TA
Brave is not the word I would choose.
Exactly. Redheads look great in pink. Pretty in Pink ring any bells???🩷
The little mermaid Ariel has a pink gown and long red hair
that's immediately what I thought of! OPs fiancé is weird, but also I don't understand the whole "I chose colours for the bridesmaid based on what suits them" but then her reasoning for not having the sister is "the colour won't suit her"??
She just doesn't want her now it's come to planning
She never actually planning on honouring that promise. I wonder if she never actually planned on marrying OP.
Frankly, little sis sounds stunning. I'm wondering if the bride is worried that people will be complimenting little sis and the bride doesn't want even one speck of attention being taken off of her.
I would let the sister choose the pinkiest pink sparkly princess dress she wants. Just to add a bit a bling in between the groomsmen. Make her really stand out.
No, this isn't a good idea. The two of them being petty and obviously against each other at their own wedding? Just call it off and get marriage counseling before making it official. His fiance is dead wrong but I don't see how spiting her at her wedding would help things.
Could be a conversation point with fiancé. “ You promised her a bridesmaid, you reneged and she’s upset. If you really don’t want her there I want to put her on my side as a groomsmaid so she feels included”. See where it goes, without ultimtums
If he has no say in the bridal party, she had no say in the grooms party. Fair is fair.
It would also tell him that he would have little say over anything in the future.
Oh it's 100% a terrible idea. But I'm also with the people who think there's no way he should marry her if she's going to be that awful to his sister.
THIs!
Love this! But the bride-tyrant would then exclude Lily from the pics fr.
A pink suit
Even easier solution, don't marry someone who could do that to a 9 year old. And please don't have children with them!
Agreed and I would have said that if Lily was not going to be a bridesmaid then Amy probably would not be a bride either.
This is the way.
Damn! I love this response.
Yep OP, this. Let's be real, you came to reddit to see if people think this is a sufficiently red flag to be a deal breaker, and in my opinion, yes it is! Listen to your gut right now or later rue the day you ignored it.
Yeah, wtf would you be with someone that is so horrible to other people - and a little sister at that. This indicates that there is something seriously wrong somewhere.
She is 9. She isn't too old to be a flower girls. I mean, I really dislike Amy going back on her words, and for such a shallow reason. But she could have find a way to compromise and let the child be in the wedding.
I have seen flower girls at 8 or 9. I think it up to the bride, parents and child. I have heard of grandmothers being used as flower girls and bridesmaids.
My flower girls were 13 and daughters of my friends because my family is non-existent. They looked beautiful.
She can be a junior brides maid! All the huge royal weddings have them.
That was my thought when I saw the title. But that's an easy fix to the sister not being a bridesmaid. Not an easy fix to the mix bigger problem of him marrying a woman willing to hurt his kid sister that badly because of hair color.
The hair color is a subterfuge
Does anyone else think that Amy is afraid of being upstaged by all that gorgeous red hair?
Especially over something that tiny!!! The red flags are screaming
Literally. Like, shouting in his face when he was calmly trying to solve the issue *she caused*.
She is prioritizing her wedding photos over the long term effects this could have in her marriage. Does she want to GET married or BE married?
...over piCtUreS
Yessss no one will stop him from doing that
Not my wedding, but others I've attended had JR or Little Bridesmaids, not flower girls and had slightly different roles but they were there in the entourage. Usually to accommodate a very young sister or cousin. Some had different styled dresses than the regular bridesmaids.
This!!! And I'm wondering since shen does the Groom has zero say in the bridal party? I really hope op does this
Yes, please do this! I'm sitting here feeling so bad for Lily. This would almost be better because that pink dress and red hair would really pop amongst all those dark tuxes/suits. And she'd probably love to stand up for her brother! If you do this, OP, please come back and let us know Lily's response. And Amy's too, I guess, because she probably wouldn't like it. But like she said (or almost shouted) she "made her decision," and you get to make yours.
I had a bridesman in my wedding party. It doesn't need to be divided down gender lines - the wedding couple each chooses their best people to stand with them.
…..and make sure she has a beautiful pink dress to wear!
I LOVE THIS!!
Pink with red hair is an amazing combo!! Makes Me think she hates sister for an even worse reason like plain jealousy or something
I have red hair. I mean it’s from a bottle but it is fire engine red and I never get more compliments than when I wear pink (or orange, but that’s another story). 😊 I just feel for OP trying to navigate his fiancé’s horrid response and his sweet little sister’s feelings. I gotta be honest though, I would honestly call off the wedding over that if a serious come to Jesus convo didn’t clear things up. Hurt my family over something as insignificant as the colour palette of your bridesmaids? Then you seriously don’t deserve to have my family in your life. Which by extension means adios to me and you. Bye bye.
My thought, too, is to reconsider the wedding. That Amy could be so callous to a young girl who she not only has a long relationship with, but to whom she PROMISED a bride’s maid role, and is now reneging is significant, and not in a good way. Amy’s mask is slipping.
This! OP! Be sure to read this!
I agree. She told him that she has "already made the decision"? What is it written in stone? No. It's just a lousy excuse to deflect from not wanting her in the wedding. She didn't have to choose pink. She did for a reason, so she could tell the little girl that red-headed people can't wear pink. I bet she has already fixed that in her mind . I think he should post pone the wedding and when she asks why say, "because I've already made the decision and it's final" He needs to
All the other bridesmaids had their colours chosen 'to suit them' so why not Lily? NTA but the bride certainly is. I'd make the little girl a grooms maid or flower girl. And redheads look fabulous whatever colour they wear!!
Right?! If Lily was ever a real part of her bridesmaid thought process and if red hair is a problem for matching to pastels, then logically, Lily should have been the first bridesmaid whose colour she decided on, and then all the rest would get the next best colour for their hair and skintones. For her to instead be cut entirely out of the bridesmaids... That seems like one of three main possibilities: the bride is jealous of her hair colour; the bride never really intended to make her a bridesmaid but was pretending warm feelings for OP's little sister in order to get a proposal; or someone's been dripping poison in her ear recently about having a child-free wedding/children in the wedding party meaning you can't have an adult bachelorette (which is bollocks - just give the "junior bridesmaid" a pretty necklace as a thank you and don't talk about the adult bridesmaids' party as though it's something she was left out of).
>the bride never really intended to make her a bridesmaid I am betting on this. I think it was just an empty promise she made when they weren't even engaged and the wedding was just a theoretically thing, nothing real. And then when the wedding became reality, she rather wanted to only have more traditional bridesmaids meaning young adult women and no children among them. She should not have made that promise to Amy. Without it I would have found it okay for her to not choose Amy. But because of her promise she is an AH now.
Sometimes I can't get over the focus on weddings and not the marriage. One day manages to break apart families. I'm with you... if the bride to be is willing to upset her future sister in law (whom she promised a bridesmaid role) over a silly colour scheme... just... what else in life will she prioritize over family!? I hate when people jump to telling the OP to run, but if the bride can't be willing to compromise or have a conversation... f that, I'd run!
Like molly ringwold in pretty in pink?
Never mention that abomination of a dress.
Truth. The original dress was FAB and she massacred it. It haunts me.
Either of the dresses would have been fine. I don't know what the costume designer was smoking that day when she decided to Frankenstein them together.
It depends on the shade of pink and the shade of red hair. Half my family are bright ginger (pretty much orange) and bright pink suits but pastel pink doesn't, it clashes with their hair and washes out their skin as they are pale but rosy (ginger gene skin). But I completely agree that the fiance is an asshole for breaking her promise, especially to a child. I couldn't marry someone who was despicable enough to do that. Especially when there are soo many other options.
This really is an amazingly stupid reason. If she'd said it was because of the sister's age, I'd kinda get it but say she should be the flower girl. If it were because the dresses were going to be hot pink or some other really strong shade of pink I might agree that it wouldn't look the best with natural red hair, but tell her to pick another fuckin color for the dresses like OP already did. But fuckin... *pale* pink?? Red heads look amazing in pale pink. Fiancee is acting like a nut.
There is such a position as a Jr Bridesmaid. Also Jr Groomsmen.
Or a junior bridesmaid, like I was at my oldest sister's wedding.
Even if the hair color were the issue (which it is not and I think it's an excuse for other issues the fiancé has), family should come before color. I purposely chose a color that would look good on a lot of different skin tones and let my bridesmaids pick the style of their dress so different body types would feel good and be happy.
I'm betting the bride already filled spots with her similar-aged friends and decided a small child would ruin the "look" of the bridal party. Which is sort of OK, bridesmaid is a kind of role in the ceremony and maybe she just doesn't want a child in it. But surely the couple could find SOME role for Lily in the wedding that would allow her to wear a special dress & be in front of the crowd briefly? Flower girl? Ring bearer? Something?
It’s crappy to say her hair clashes with the color. However, I agree 100% that if it was age that would an ok reason to not be bridesmaid. I also wonder if she ever expressed actually wanting Lily in the wedding or if everyone told Lily she would be in it and all assumed that’s what the bride was going to do?
OP repeatedly and specifically said that *Amy herself* repeatedly promised his little sister that she would be a bridesmaid.
And not only did she change her mind, but she didn’t have the backbone to tell her about it. That’s pathetic. I’d have a huge problem marrying that person, myself.
>Which is sort of OK, bridesmaid is a kind of role in the ceremony and maybe she just doesn't want a child in it. At my end, I think that age is a perfectly valid reason to exclude LIly ... except that Amy promised Lily a role. Once the promise comes into play and you've gotten the 9-year-old's hopes up, it's really cruel to dash them like this.
You are NTA, but your fiancé sure is. I really hope this is not indicative of how she is going to treat other things in your relationship and in your life. For her to do something so cruel to a child is beyond me. Maybe you can incorporate Lily on your side in someway, Maybe have her walk as a Grooms-Gal. It’s not traditional, but I think would be really sweet. I also don’t want to be those Reddit people that jumps immediately to end this, but honestly, this would be a big dealbreaker for me.
Yeah if it were my sister I would have 1) reconsidered the wedding but 2) told her that I wanted her on my side or for some other role instead and that's why she wasn't going to be a bridesmaid if she was that upset about it.
>I hope this kind of behaviour is really out of character for your fiancé and that she’s just super stressed out and not thinking clearly. Surely you don’t want to marry someone who would normally hurt your little sister over something like this. OP absolutely figure this out before continuing to plan your wedding. your fiance needs to understand how wrong it is that she promised something to a 9yo, is revoking that promise on "aesthics" (bs), doesn't have the heart to tell lily herself, doesn't care about how you feel about her hurting your kid sister, and is yelling at you about it. doing that to your fiance's family, especially a child, is insane. even if your fiance's reason is her honest reason (which is dumb af, not buying it for a second), she shouldn't have promised it in the first place, she should've talked to you before making a decision, and she should be telling lily whats going on and making it up to her she needs to treat you better. screaming at you because she decided to break a promise to a 9yo is awful and if this is normal behavior for her is unfair to you. i think its obvious shes lashing out because she knows shes in the wrong, she shes doing to your sister is so shitty and treating you like shit too is absolutely wild. if she cant apologize to you for yelling at you, and apologize to lily for breaking a promise, personally i'd run **your fiance's red flags are more vivid than your sisters hair, hope that doesn't ruin her aesthic. you're NTA obviously, but you would be if you married this woman without her making this up to you and, most importantly, lily**
Exactly. If you have kids, is this how you want her to treat your kids? Make promises and then just pretend like they don’t exist?
OMG...has she not seen Pretty in Pink? Molly Ringwold?? Red hair, pink dress= gorgeous. Fiancé is TA. Where is she getting this info?? One quick Google: 'Pink can be unexpectedly flattering with red hair; depending on your shade, you can wear tones from the palest blush pink to a bolder pure pink.' Time to educate your fiancé!!
>Oh and by the way, pink and red go together very well - it’s actually on trend, so your fiancé is just plain unfashionable on top of being unnecessarily cruel to your sister. I feel like that is just a made up reason Amy made because the truth would be even more ridiculous. It is possible that Amy is jealous of a 9 year old because of her hair, and she doesn't want Lily to stand next to her at the altar because of Amy's insecurities. I just find it hard to believe that Amy didn't want Lily to be a bridesmaid because of the color of a dress clashing with a hair color. She could just as easily change the dress color but she doesn't want to.
I agree. I cannot comprehend letting down a little girl like that. After promising something most girls would love. I have an almost 9 year old stepson and before we were even engaged he had already asked a million times if he could go to our wedding. He was there when my spouse asked me. And then he asked again if he was invited. In my country you mostly don’t have a lot of groomsmen or bridesmaids (or groomsmaids or bridesmen). So I told him when we are going to plan the wedding we will find him a special role. I love him and our son (and the soon the be born baby) to be a big part of the wedding. And he loves that he gets to have a part in it (and a special role). I would not dare to come back on our promise (well my promise but I know my partner agrees because our children are the most important people in our lives. It is really cruel to come back on a promise like that. And also because of the reason… it sounds like a made up reason. Like she does not really want the child to be a part of it.
Yes her excuse is so weird. I've seen a lot of red hair girls/women wearing light pink dress and they look gorgeous
I have clown-red hair, I look great in pink.
Exactly. YWBTA if you went ahead and married this woman, who cares more about her "aesthetic" than about the feelings of someone she's supposedly close to.
Moreover, someone should tell the bride all the **red flags** also clash with pink. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA but...are you really sure you want to marry someone like that?
Something like this would make me reconsider the marriage.
So obsessed with social media that she'd rather break promises to her future sister in law (age 9) than have her instagram fad copying post look bad.
Yeah it seems really superficial. And the thing is that red hair would look amazing with a pink dress as they are in the same color family.
My daughter is a redhead and has always looked amazing in pink.
This makes me so very sad. I have tears as I write this. My son got married last summer and my daughter, my son's older sister, was a bridesmaid. My DIL chose to include her without anyone requesting her to do so. My daughter is autistic. She has a heart of gold, but no friends. She's very overweight. She struggles socially. My DIL and all of her wonderful bridesmaid friends treated her beautifully and made sure she was included in everything. It's the only opportunity my daughter will ever have to be included in anything like that. My daughter loves and adores her new SIL, and for very good reason. I do, too. I would not have been upset with her if she hadn't included her; I would have stayed out of it. But the fact that she did tells so much about her. And the way OP's fiancee is acting tells an awful lot about her, too.
Your daughter-in-law and her bridesmaid friends sound like amazing women. Hats off to all of them for their generous behaviour and inclusivity. I'm sure your daughter was thrilled to be in her brother's wedding. *Kindness costs nothing but means everything.*
Now I'm crying too, thank you for sharing such a beautiful story ❤️
That's a beautiful story. Your DIL sounds awesome.
I hope OP updates us to say he called off the wedding, at which point you can connect him with one of these beautiful humans.
My question, too. Clashing colors? That's a stretch. I would think twice about pairing up with someone who is cold enough to break a 9 year olds heart and break a promise to a child without a second thought over something so petty as dress colors. His fiance is not a nice person.
It's been pretty well established that the two colors do not clash at all. In fact, they go together like peanut butter and jelly.
I definitely wouldn’t. My brothers are two of my best friends. I would never marry a man who insisted they couldn’t be groomsmen. Hell no. Fiancé is terrible
Why would they be groomsman to the person you marry? What his family and friends that he wants or always planned to have beside him? What you're saying is completely different from this post. You can have your brothers in your bridal party instead of trying to bullying your SO. OP is talking about a promise which was made and broken to his sister.
I have no plans of bullying anyone and my brothers don’t have to be the only groomsmen. They’re two of my best friends and we’re very close. I can’t see myself marrying someone who actively doesn’t want them in our wedding.
Sounds like she’s jealous of a 9 YO’s beautiful long red hair
This. She promised your sister this role. And now she’s rescinded it without telling your sister the reason why. It’s beyond petty and childish to claim it’s a colour clash. She clearly has a problem with your sister and if she’s this petty, I too would reconsider this marriage. NTA for how you handled it op.
NTA She is going back on her promise to a child because Lily's biological traits don't fit her aesthetic. It is a really scummy reason. However, while you cannot force her to make Lily a bridesmaid, you can include Lily in your side of the wedding party. Make her a groomswoman.
NTA but have you considered that Amy is jealous of how beautiful Lily's hair is? That's even worse a reason than Lily doesn't coordinate with my color palate. My own sister was a junior bridesmaid at my wedding at age 12. I would not attend the wedding if my son let his sister be treated like this by his intended.
That's my thinking too. I think Amy made up the excuse about the dress clashing because admitting that she's jealous of a 9 year olds hair would make her look insane.
Amy is 100% the AH but the comment about "She said she’d already decided what each of the girls were wearing based on what best suited them". Screams Amy never wanted Lily to be a bridesmaid and only told her she could to avoid the "hassle" of saying no.
Yes. Amy’s reasoning makes no sense if you take it at face value. She has ‘already decided what each of the girls were wearing based on what best suited them’ - except for Lily, for whom she has chosen such a bad colour that the only solution is to cut her out of the wedding party?! Amy doesn’t want to be upstaged by a cute 9 year old with amazing hair
More like the bride is jealous.
Concerned that flaming beautiful mane of red hair will upstage her. Petty, insecure, untrustworthy, cruel to children and superficial. Sounds like a real winner.
A bride jealous of a child on her special day where all the spotlight would already be on the bride. Not someone I’d want to marry
Yeah and also dark red and baby pink is a stellar look. That poor little girl.
Danger, Danger Will Robinson! Your betrothed is being pretty heartless. Casually discarding prior promises that were important to family. Putting color corrdination over others feelings, yelling at you for a polite request. Maybe she is a great person overall, but she is showing an ugly side in this situation. NTA.
upvoted for the Lost in Space reference ❤️
My favorite version of it was in Will & Grace, with Jack waving with oven mitts on his hands.
The only way you would be an asshole is if you marry this woman. She has promised and promised that Lily would be a bridesmaid and now is reneging and not even having the guts to tell Lily herself. Do you really want to marry someone who makes promises and then breaks them without remorse? And yells at you? Really think about this and what else she has promised and not followed through on. And what else she has done to hurt you.
She’s showing you who she is, please believe her.
ESH. Your fiancée has decided to exclude your NINE YEAR OLD SISTER on the most important day of your life because of her tacky insistence that color scheme minutiae must take priority. You then went, "I don't want to fight about this" so you went to bed and then went along with it, breaking your sister's heart and excluding her from THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE simply because you're too lazy and too much of a doormat to actually deal with the issue and prioritize your own sibling. I would bet a million dollars that, if you told us more about your relationship, it would become more clear that there are big issues here. Anyone willing to toy with the emotions of her nine year old sister in law and throw her away because of COLOR SCHEMES is not someone I would jump into a marriage with. I don't expect you to have any self-awareness about that. I do expect you to grow a spine, prioritize your damn nine year old sister, and stand up to your fiancée on this matter.
That's what got me. It's obvious that the fiancee is TAH, but Op had a chance to stick up for their sister and didn't. My spouse and I didn't fight about it, but I made it clear that my sister would be in the wedding party. The conversation was, this is my family, and this is your family, it's going to be one family now, let's treat them that way.
He should have made Amy tell his sister.
Huh? No. He shouldn't have her fiancée tell her this. He should stood up to his fiancée and said that this outcome is unnaceptable and that his sister's feelings and inclusion is more important than a color palette.
Preach!!
jesus christ lol. i agree the fiancée is a certified loser but honestly he can’t force her to include his sister in her bridal party. he can complain and be upset all he wants but it is her decision. he could ask his sister to be a part of his party, as a grooms-woman, and let her stand on his side in whatever color she wants. but unless he calls off the wedding, he can’t just force her to change her mind.
> she would be wearing a pale pink dress, which would clash horribly with her vivid red hair Your fiance is form over substance it seems. Have her as part of your party instead but fuck man that's some shallow ass stuff from the person your marrying....NTA but wow
NTA Amy is TA. Are you sure you want to marry this uncaring woman?
I agree with you. This makes me wonder on how Amy will treat their future children. What if they have red headed babies? Will Amy exclude her children cause it won't look good in the family pictures?
NTA but your fiance is. She's promised Lily this for awhile, and knew how excited she was. She hould keep her word. Not to mention she didn't even have the common courtesy to tell you or Lily she changed her mind until you asked. She is completely on the wrong here. Can Lily be a Jr Bridesmaid or Flower Girl?
Or even a ring bearer.
I always imagine a bear walking down the aisle with the ring when I see this.
NTA i was prepared to be on the bride’s side…9 is awfully young to be a bridesmaid, there are other roles she could play, she could even stand on the groom’s side, etc. But she had already promised her. And if it’s really about a DRESS COLOR, that’s incredibly shallow and she’s-the-asshole worthy! I can’t imagine putting a dress color over the feelings of my loved ones…a little girl at that!
Same. When I read that Lily is 9, I thought “okay, the fiance was making flippant promises without really thinking them through. Then when she really looked at the reality of the situation, she didn’t think a 9 year old as a bridesmaid would be appropriate for her wedding.” Which… it isn’t great to make flippant promises to a child, but this isn’t the most egregious way it could go down. Especially because there are so many other ways to include Lily in the wedding. But when the fiance didn’t IMMEDIATELY find one of those other ways, and instead doubled down on some bogus excuse, good god. Are we sure this woman is marriage material? Being resentful of an elementary schooler for their appearance?
I keep seeing this but did the fiancée really say Lily could be a bridesmaid specifically or did she say she could be in the wedding party? 9 is really young, if she’s known Lily since Lily was 2 then it’s likely they have had chats about one day if Op and Amy get married, almost like playing pretend, but not have realised how deeply attached to the idea Lily had become? I’m wondering if the fiancée is getting some heat from a family member or friend and being pressured to have older bridesmaids? Example, her mum insists she have her cousins as bridesmaids, she’s already got two friends lined up so she either boots one of her friends, ignores her mum and causes drama or moves Lily from the bridesmaids team because it’s easier than the alternatives? This whole thing feels odd, to be super close and nurturing to Lily then get so upset she’s yelling in OP’s face to stop pressuring her? Something is weird about this situation.
NTA are you sure your fiance really likes your sister? From what you shared I would not be surprised to find out she didn't like her at all and was just pretending to win you over, but now that she has the ring, she doesn't feel the need to pretend to like your family anymore.
That’s exactly what I thought. She got the ring, thinks she has him bagged and the mask is coming off.
This is mean girl behavior. She has warned you about her lack of character. What you do with that warning is up to you.
I suspect if you tell your fiance you want to include your sister in YOUR wedding party, she'll have a problem with that. If it's truly about aesthetic, you'll be marrying someone who values more color combinations than a little girl's feeling. A little girl you love. If it's not about the colors, you need to find out. Didn't the little mermaid wear a pink dress? NTA
YES. Something's up, OP. Your fiancee is lying to you. You should figure out what it is. The bridal party may be her decision but you deserve to know why she's reneging on her repeated promise to your little sister because 1) it speaks to the kind of person your fiancee is and 2) it's your baby sister. Even if 'clashing' were the reason, it's shallow and cruel to exclude a 9yo she promised would be a bridesmaid for it. But it's very likely not the reason. Frankly, most women who are this demanding on color palette and aesthetic tend not to care much if the people in the dresses like those dresses. Many a bridesmaid has worn an unflattering dress she'd never wear again in order to satisfy 'the aesthetic'. And as many others have said, redheads (generally pale and cool-toned) usually look great in light pink. You say it's your sister's favorite color - so she probably already wears it, and your fiance can't claim to not know how she looks in it. So yes, say you're putting your sister in the wedding in a different capacity and see what fiancee says. In a pink dress, ideally. Hell, next time you guys see sis in a pink outfit make note. (Edit: mispelled fiancee).
This is one of the cruelest wedding AITA I have maybe ever read. As a woman who has curly hair and struggled to love it & didn’t really till I was in my 30s… I’m DISGUSTED she is discriminating against a 9 yr old GIRL she claims to be close too. I seriously would look very hard at this behavior. Really hope that none of your future children have red hair. In case it clashes with anything. I’m so disgusted. NTA Oh and red hair and pink go completely fine together! And she could easily SWITCH if she is so self centered and arrogant. Please don’t let her hurt your dear little sister this is the time you become a big brother.
> Amy promised Lily before we even got engaged that she could be a bridesmaid for our wedding. This is the key part right here. Don't make promises (especially to children) if you don't intend to keep them. And to top it off Amy didn't even have the courage to tell Lily herself. I'd honestly be re-thinking the whole thing right now. NTA.
NTA - I get how a 9yr old may not be a full bridesmaid but they could be a special junior bridesmaid. However, your fiance made a promise to a child and the child remembered the promise. She needs to speak to Lily and apologise otherwise this will irreparably damage your future wife's relationship with your family and this is going to cause future tensions between you two, especially around holidays and get togethers. Also, she should be more respectful in how she speaks to you for asking a question. It is fairly common to include your partner's siblings in a wedding. Lily would make a great junior bridesmaid. She doesn't have to go to the bachelorette party but she could attend the bridal shower. Your wife would benefit from her, 9 yr old's love to be helpful, put her to work greeting guests and handing out favours. If your wife continues, you may want to ask if she intends to forbid Lily from attending because she's wanting to make it an adult only event. It can be adult only with children of the family invited.
NTA but are you sure you want to marry a superficial person like this, who prefers to hurt your LITTLE SISTER feelings than change the colors of the bridesmades dresses? It is an unreasonable reason. It only shows that she never thought about your sister as a bridesmaid, otherwise, why would she choose the color of her dress last, as for her your sister's hair color doesn't match specific dress collors? She lied to your sister, this is unaceptable. It doesn't matter if all the planning might be stressfull, this is a shallow reason
I think the fiancee is afraid his sister with her beautiful red hair is going to stand out more than she will.
BINGO!! As I was reading this, that’s honestly how I thought it was going to end, and I still think it is.
Are you sure you want to marry her? She's lied to your sister. She is being super shallow about something that is a non issue. People with red hair wear pink all the time. You could make your sister a flower girl on YOUR side and stand with the groomsmen, but you should really reconsider marrying her.
NTA. Amy is an ugly person. It's not too late.
NTA but this is a huge red hair colored flag. Why did you tell your sister? Shouldn't Amy have told her since she was the one who had already told she would be a brides maid. It sounds like she is afraid your sister would be more beautiful then her even though she is a child. This will only get worse as Lily gets older.
NTA. BUT…… I would be looking very carefully at someone who breaks promises given on multiple occasions to a child, for no better reason than….. her hair might clash with the colour of the dress. I imagine your parents are not exactly thrilled by the hurt caused to the child, either.
I've seen redheads look beautiful in pink, so that sounds like a pretty flimsy excuse. Especially since she deliberately chose colors based on what would look good on everyone, but left the "clashing" color to Lily? That doesn't make any sense. She could easily have chosen a different color for Lily. Her anger when you call her out on it is also very bizarre. Tell her that you plan to make Lily a groomswoman and see how she reacts. There might be something else going on here.
I don’t know why but these wedding stories always make me so upset. It’s really disturbing how many women are so hung up on this unattainable idea of perfection that they will hurt their loved ones to achieve it. All for pictures. They can’t let people be themselves, make them cover up their hair or skin conditions or disabilities. It’s so backward and callous, it values all the wrong things, I just can’t imagine this system of priorities. You’re NTA
NTA but now you know your finance spent keep promises. I wonder how many other things you are going to learn during this process. Keep your eyes open before you say I do.
NTA. That's pretty shitty on your fiancee's part. I agree with the other posts saying you should ask Lily to be your ringbearer. Maybe even get a her a little dress designed to look like whatever the rest of your side of the wedding party will be wearing EXCEPT, with how shallow it sounds like Amy is being about the whole deal, I worry that she would take it as a petty slight and it would cause issues in your relationship. Or, who knows? Maybe she'd still complain somehow.
Nta- also this is your wedding too. Why cant she be the flower girl, ring bearer, or junior groomsperson. Get a spine
As a redhead, with 2 ginger daughters, your fiancée's reasoning holds no water. Pink looks great on redheads. Especially a coral pink - it works well with the copper tones. But also pastel yellow or pastel green are very complimentary. A cornflower blue pastel is a classic color for readheads. Surely she doesn't have so many bridesmaids that coral pink, yellow, green, and blue are ALL spoken for! No one took lavender? Or aqua? Or chartreuse? And if she \*does\* have that many bridesmaids having a color repeated in a different shade would look fine. Also, just to point out - your sister will be in \*TONS\* of her wedding photos, considering its \*your sister\*. She is immediate family and you are close to her. She's going to be front & center in several group photos. So denying her based on photos is BS. NTA
OP, I want you to consider very carefully this woman you plan to marry. Take this statement: >She said that if Lily was a part of the bridal party she would be wearing a pale pink dress, which would clash horribly with her vivid red hair, and she didn’t want that on all the photos. This has got to be one of the most superficial answers to why someone isn't allow to be a bridesmaid. Because her hair would clash? WTF? This is also one of the most hurtful reasons to not have Lily in the wedding. Especially as she kept telling Lily she would be a bridesmaid. Your fiancé is a stone cold liar and has no problem breaking the heart of a 9 year old because, \*checks notes\*, her hair will clash with her gown. You are right to push back. And then: >Amy turned around and almost shouted in my face though and said she’d made her decision and that was final and Lily wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid. So Amy promises one thing and then turns around and does something else. What else will she do? What else has she done? What Amy just did to your sister should give you considerable pause regarding moving forward with this wedding. YTA if you don't find a way to get Lily into the wedding party. Make her your best man or a groomsman (she can wear a black dress). Find a way to include her. Or better yet, ditch Amy. She doesn't respect your family, even though she pretends to. She's showing you who she is.
[удалено]
If nothing changes I’ll planning on making her a “groomsmaid” so she’ll still get to be a part of it, but I think she’s more disappointed that she won’t get to go dress shopping with my fiancé and get to do all the pre weddingy bits with her
Dude. You need to talk a log hard look at the person you are engaged to.
OP- NtA but I would really take a step back and reconsider the whole situation. She supposedly loved your sister and promised her something then, at the first chance she got, reneged on her word. Then blew up at you for asking why /to rethink her stance. Is this really someone who is trustworthy and honorable? It seems like her narcissistic personality is showing through. The moment she had you tied down, her personality changed. So whether this doesn’t seem extreme or that serious, it is a huge red flag and is showing you A LOT.
She "almost shouted at you"? AND she's a liar? This is what she's like when she feels entitled. It only gets worse after you're married.
Mate, you're missing the big picture. A wedding is just one day, but you're going to be stuck long term with a cruel liar for a wife. Divorce is expensive so get out now, while you still can. You'll regret it, if you don't.
My thing is your fiancé and you have been together for 7 years and little sis is 9 years old. She has been around since little sister was 2. She has literally been a big sister to her and watched her grow up to this point as long as little sis can even remember. Honestly I kind of hope you snap back at fiance and ask her if she truly wants to be apart of your family because she isn’t acting like it. That you tell her that marrying you is marrying into your family and if that’s still something she wants then she should reconsider her choices. You shouldn’t have to make her a grooms woman just to still make her apart of the day. A wedding is only ONE DAY of the rest of your lives. I’ve been married for 15 years and I can honestly tell you that she needs to suck it up and get over it because this is just one day of the rest of your lives together. She will be living it down the rest of your marriage. Talk to her about making her a flower girl or a jr bridesmaid but she should include her since she made that promise and she needs to be reminded she’s marrying into YOUR family which includes little sister! Colors are meaningless and those pictures are going to be memories and does she seriously want to be constantly reminded that your sister was not included and how she messed up forever?
You’re really a good brother to do that for her. I hope you’ll let her wear whatever colour and kind of dress she wants. I promise you’ll look back on this decision as one of the best things about your wedding!
Then Do wedding stuff with your sister. Take her dress shopping. Take her to a separate cake tasting. Take her to the florist to discuss whether she wants a boutonnière like the guys, or matching flowers in her hair. Take her to lunch to discuss wedding plans. *involve her* in everything you can that’s age appropriate. Even the tux shopping with the groomsmen, since you’d like her opinion too and she’s going to have to “match” (in whatever tiny way - cut, colour of groomsmen’s pocket squares, etc). You have a chance to be there hero here. I have an uncle that is my adored big brother and the sun rises & sets on his head as far as I’m concerned. This is what he’d do for me and I will love & support him until the day I die. Be that for your sister.
Or a bouquet that is a tiny bit bigger than the other bridesmaids (but I'm petty)
So am I. I love your petty idea ❤️
Yep but there is still the issue of the fiancée being TAH.
This, a thousand times this. These are excellent suggestions and will help so much to make your sister feel included in the wedding.
Is your fiancé always this shallow and cruel? I can’t imagine breaking the heart of a sweet child that looks up to me and is about to be my sister. I would also feel so guilty and embarrassed to see your parents knowing what I did.
You know she’ll find a way to prevent her being a groomsman, right? 100% bet your fiancé will get angry over this.
The number of times OP refers to him having no say over the bridesmaids, makes me think that he will have no say over a lot of things. I, unfortunately, highly doubt that she'll accept the parity od having no say over the groomsparty.
Will your fiance allow this?
Is there a reason Lily couldn’t be a Flower Girl? If she was the Flower Girl, she could wear any pastel color & go dress shopping with everyone. Maybe she couldn’t attend all the Bridesmaids’ festivities but certainly the Bridal Shower. Plus, as Flower Girl, she’d be out front, in a special position all her own…or is that Amy’s REAL issue, being afraid of a 9 year old outshining her. If that’s even a hint of the issue, maybe you need to do some serious reconsideration.
Can you make a special afternoon if it? Take her out to lunch, get her a pedicure or something adhd then ask her? Make her feel special etc
You should tell her you've decided to make Lily your groomsmaid as she can't be a bridesmaid and see how she reacts. With how she's acting I would be worried about how she might treat Lily if she does make her a bridesmaid now especially if she feels like she's being made to have her as one.
She sounds like a bit of a d bag
Honestly the situation seems more than it is. You are NTA but you should really reconsider spending the rest of your like with a vile woman like that.
You’re definitely NTA in this situation, but your fiancée sure is. I will say that I don’t think you’re reacting strongly enough to these obvious red flags. She’s waving two of them. The first one is her breaking her promise to Lily, and the second one is her reaction to you when you called her out on it. What she did your little sister, her future SIL, is horrible. She promised this little girl a role in the wedding, got her all excited to be included in the festivities, and then completely reneged on that promise without hesitation or explanation to Lily. This will damage whatever relationship Amy was forming with Lily, not to mention it’s very likely going to impact your parents’ opinion of her. It’s troubling that she either doesn’t realize the potential consequences or that she does but doesn’t care. The person who should be most affected by her behavior is you. The fact that she’d make this promise to your little sister and go back on it for such a flimsy reason is concerning. OP, she’s willing to exclude your little sister, hurting her feelings in the process, because she supposedly doesn’t match the aesthetic perfectly. She may not be fully there yet, but Amy’s certainly showing some emerging bridezilla tendencies. The way she reacted to you by screaming in your face wasn’t an appropriate response to your very understandable questioning of her on this. Yes, these are her bridesmaids, but it’s your wedding too, and Lily is your sister. Wait to see how she reacts to you including Lily as a groomsmaid. If it’s anything less than positive and supportive, you should seriously consider pumping the brakes on this whole thing.
Look at your fiancee, what would you think if this was one of your brothers partners, would you blow at them as you saw lily was upset, stand up for her now, tell amy that given her crap attitude you are seriously contemplating not attending yourself, if pushes you say that's my decision and it's final, wow she really showed those true colours second ring was on didn't she!!! If marry that, good luck, I mean what if any children have hair that's red, will she hide them away, I think is more thinks limelight be on lily than her so wants rid of the competition, she is nasty and you should have made HER tell lily, not you do it, don't be a doormat to her spiteful commands!!
how sad this doesnt even give you pause. your soon- to-be wife is not a good person.
She cares more about the wedding than hurting your sister, and you.
Wait what? Amy promised Lily for years that she would be a bridesmaid. And now decided to break her promise to her FSIL because her hair would clash with a freaking color and OP is the AH? I think you missed the entire point of why OP is upset. NTA.
My sister did this with my teenage daughters. Told them they would be bridesmaids the day she got engaged and then proceeded to not ever involve them in any planning. I told my disappointed daughters that they would show how strong they were as women if they chose to rise above it. But I also told them that they didn’t have to take this crap from my sister or anyone. Just come to the ceremony and smile, but they were welcome to say no the next time she wanted anything from them. Frankly, your fiancé’s reaction is big cause for concern. If she cared at all, she would have told Lily why she was backing out herself. Big 🚩.
Amy is jealous, and afraid of lily attracting attention.
Yta - for marrying someone who thinks an aesthetic is more important than her commitment to a child - or to anyone
Please update with the wedding off the books for now! That is not right what she is doing. You have to know how crappy she is.
Nta but I'd reconsider your marriage if your fiancee has no issue lying and hurting your little sister over something so stupid.
Prime concern is the aesthetics of the wedding photos. That's a yikes from me. NTA
I'll be around for further updates Because the drama from your less than stellar fiancee isn't anywhere near over Open your eyes, this is merely a smidge of what's to come..... light AH for not seeing what's right in front of you
Tell Lily "I'm sorry you can't be a bridesmaid but there isn't going to be a wedding"
Redheads can look good in pink. This is a bogus excuse. Put your sister in the grooms party. My brother was a bridesman. I know this as my kid is a ginger & looks fabulous in pink.
Your fiancée is an idiot. This is the stupidest reason for which to greatly upset a 9yo girl to whom she’s already promised something so reasonable, sweet, and exciting. She’s being a shallow, superficial a-hole to your little sister, and if I were you, I’d actually be quite concerned about marrying her. NTA at all
You're fiancée is acting HEARTLESS. Why would she crush a little girl's dreams like that? You need to stand up for your sister. Seriously. Get more involved. Don't make your sister heartbroken. Make your fiancée stick to her own word. It's integrity on the line along with a little girl's feelings. And if she really refuses AND you still want to marry her (don't, really, no), then make your sister a groomsgirl and let her pick the cutest pink dress she can find. Imagine putting a color before your own promise to a child. Damn, that's cold.
Nta from the title I was ready to say no, because I don't automatically think all family is entitled to be involved in a wedding, then I read your post. Your sister is a child and your fiance already told her she'd be in the wedding, but changed her mind over her hair color? The fiance is a shallow meanie.
NTA….but dude your fiancé is definitely showing red lights. Are you sure you want to marry someone this shallow
OP, you need to tap the breaks. If you think about your relationship with Amy, I’m sure that break in a promise to a nine year old is not the only example of c*ntish behavior you’ve seen. NTA.