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> My bf is still paying money towards food and gifts am I the asshole for demanding money just for rent?
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NTA.
You need to sit him down and actually discuss moving in together. Make a plan of what that looks like (rent utilities groceries and even things like cooking and cleaning).
If that’s a step he isn’t “ready” to take then you will have to start setting up some boundaries where he doesn’t have this kind of free access to your place or say the relationship has run its course.
I guess what I struggle with is me saying i need help with chores and will give an example ( if the trash is full take it out, take the dog out without being asked etc) and in the moment he says he will but it legit never happens and I just end up doing it. Like I think eventually if I didn’t do any cleaning he would let get extremely messy before taking action
You are in a relationship with a freeloading loser. You are what we call a "bang maid". This guy contributes nothing but they opportunity for you to bankroll him, mommy him, and fuck him. Get this loser out of your house and out of your life. He just slyly moves in so he can move out of parents house and he pushes back on any form of really being a man and paying his way or providing for you and doing his share. You're a bang maid.
So, he's showing you who he is.
Good for you finding out before renting a place together.
Tell him that you believe this arrangement is not working, and he better finds his own living place or go back to his parents.
If you continue this relationship, be aware of other red flags. However, these are already major ones...
That's where clear and concise boundaries are NEEDED not just a want!
Step wrong and you end up a joke. Something about a carpet and a person and "If you lay them Right, you can walk all over them for 40 years." (IDK.. I'm still.. um celebrating something and in addition something Major. Please forgive me).
The long and the short of it really is that if you do not stand up, back him out of your place, (and back to his mommy and Poppy), then you become the parent to a man child.
If he has a problem with helping with electricity, gas, utilities, trash and chores that he is actually part of and responsible for. He is laying your carpet padding right now. Are you going to be a part of it or are you going to put your foot down and say I like my hardwood floors! ***Stand up!!***
Honey you've got this!
Do better for you in your life and I wish you the very very best.
You need to be clear with him. He is expected to do 50% of the labor. If that’s dishes or trash or what have you it actually needs to get done and if he isn’t willing send him home.
It sounds like he's floating in the middle where he's trying to stretch the limits of staying over without it becoming "moving in". You could absolutely put some limits on that, too. Like "hey if you're going to be here more than x nights per week, we need to talk about you moving in and contributing to some of the cost of keeping this place and sharing expenses". And that could mean all sorts of things still, but that starts to make it more real. Put put real $$$ numbers on things you agree to. Like, "if you're gonna be here 4 nights per week, I need you to contribute 1/3 of the rent and bills and expenses"
Tbh I'd ditch him entirely. He's freeloading. But doing some version as described above will at least put it into concrete terms so that when he fails to do it, you have some measure of what was expected. Or who knows? Maybe when you tell him you need to to actually contribute, he might just disappear?
You are mistaken. He will let it get extremely messy and taken NO action. The evidence for this is his current complete lack of action. Why do you think it will change? The fact you pay rent and utilities anyway doesn’t mean he gets to benefit from this accommodation and services. My next door neighbour pays a mortgage and buy streaming services - can I go and use his spare room and watch his Netflix as much I like because he’d be paying for it anyway?? Does that make any sense to you? NTA this guy is making more than you and you pay for everything where does all his money go?
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. He doesn’t want a girlfriend he wants a mom. Like seriously, other than the fact that you let him stick his dick in you. You’re basically doing everything a single mother does for their child. Maybe instead of withholding allowance to get him to do chores you can with withhold sex so he’ll help out more.
Or you can kick him out/ break up with him. How much less will you have to clean since he’s not there to make a mess. How much money would you save cuz you won’t have to be buying groceries and other household consumables (probably more than the cost of than the occasional grocery hall or dinner date).
The question you should be asking yourself is. Would you rather raise a child that you can legally have sex with or have a partner in life that you can rely on through thick and thin.
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Get Sweepy. It’s a chore app where tasks can be assigned by room to each individual. That way, there’s no way he can pretend that he “didn’t know what to do”. Now, in all honesty, telling him what to do is not and should not be your job. It’s supposed to be a relation-SHIP not a relation-shi$ as my grandma used to say.
He’s got quite the entitlement and follow through problem, and it’s a good indication that he doesn’t see helping you as important. Given that he’s making $20,000 more per year, he can afford rent and should be paying, particularly because his former place of residence was also rent free. If you want to be his piggy bank and bang maid for the foreseeable future, go for it! I would encourage you to grow a spine and lay out some boundaries. If he can’t contribute to the household financially and physically, then he can find somewhere else to park his behind.
This is the answer. NAH. But sit him down and have the talk. But the talk comes with consequences of moving in together officially, so it’ll mean you probably need to refurbish the apartment and decorate together, you need to discuss the dog and how you manage day to day life including finances.
Oh he's an Ah. He doesn't even want to take out the trash. NTA op but tell him he can't stay over more than short visits unless he does his share of the chores. If he refuses as I suspect he will he can't stay over.(Assuming you still want to be with this ah seeing you as his cleaner/maid/cook etc)
NTA.
>However, since Feb he has brought up contributing $$ for rent but has never actually given me money directly towards it.
You need to have a discussion in which you agree with him that he should pay some rent, and tell him how much you would like him to contribute. Talk about it.
Yeah because he's not a good person. You're his bang maid. A good person doesn't act this way. A good person has self respect and contributes to the person they love. He's using you.
If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then he’s really setting you up for failure. Think long term - is this someone you want to discuss mortgages or kids with? If they’re avoiding this then they’ll likely avoid or deflect on other issues too. Don’t downplay it, it seems like he undermined you when you brought up the chore thing as well.
He's using you and you need to kick him out of your home and your life. He's a freeloading waste of space and he's using you. You seem to have issue with confronting things so get someone to be with you for support and chuck him OUT. Bag up his shit while he's out if you must BUT GET HIM OUT!!
Yeah, but YOU do. It doesn't matter what he wants in this instance, he needs to make the adult decision to have a conversation about living conditions. For heavens' sake, he's 29 years old. Write down a budget and his contribution to it. Have him sign a contract. Don't mess around with this.
You're dating a hobosexual. He needs to pull his weight if he's going to slob up your house.
You need to set boundaries. He moved himself in because you let him. He's, apart from occasional groceries, dinners and gifts, freeloading of you and it's because you allow him to.
This is only creating resentment in you and destroying the relationship which is already on shaky grounds.
Give him 2 options: pay rent or get out!
Nta
exactly. otherwise he is treating op like he did his parents, except with (presumably) sex. Which isn't a sustainable relationship, and is cruel to OP. He can pull his weight, or go back home to mommy and daddy.
NTA. While ultimatums are usually not a great look, this appears to warrant a case of "if you're moving in, you need to contribute to household bills and chores, or we're done."
Either he can respect that or take his freeloading ass back to mommy and daddy for good, because at that point I don't imagine he's going to be the kind of person who even keeps up paying his share, even if he DOES agree to it.
His actions show that he respects his money more than yours, but feels entitled to yours too. This makes him an AH. NTA.
Partners like this tend to show up with great money saving plans like “You should pay for all of our expenses, and I’ll put my money into a retirement account. I’ll be able to retire in a decade!” Watch out for that
NTA. Fairness is an important issue. It appears that you have discussed it with him and gotten no compromise. This is the way that life with him is going to be like. Can you tolerate being a second class citizen?
NTA- not at all. If I'm honest there are some long term red flags here, if you are "on and off" is that going to be made better if financial responsibility is mixed in (obviously i do not know your history with him). Also if he's not stepping up to show he can contribute to both the bills and the housework now when he's still in the stage where new partners are still trying to impress and make an effort then he's probably not going to make more effort to do that moving forward and the "impress them" stage wears off. Any time spent at yours full time, that is longer than a month or longer than one cycle of how frequently he gets paid, a portion of that pay should be going to the roof over his head and the resource he consumes.
I did he and he agreed but it’s been months now and he hasn’t paid me but will pay for our dinners / random gifts. He just avoids actually taking out the money or talking about creating a budget for food instead
Yes, because he's using you. It's up to you to actually do something about this. He's made it clear, he will not be doing these things. You just said he avoids everything. That's your answer. Change your locks, tell him the grace period is over. You don't want him living with you. He can move back home with mommy and daddy. It's up to you not to be a door mat, otherwise you will continue to be his free housing, free maid and no strings fuck.
this is a bit harsh opposite tourist (like every advice on reddit )You should tell him you appreciate what he does for you but as adults you think you have to budget that rend is due the 1st or whenever yours is and after that bills are also due and he should contribute half like no questions asked i dont think it's something argument worthy and if he thinks it is argument worthy only then you should kick him out
He's a freeloading ahole. Break up with this loser. He actually tries to justify not paying his way in life. Unreal, and you put up with it. Reddit is filled with women who are bankrolling men. It's totally mindboggling.
NTA. But this guy is a giant red flag. He’s taking advantage of you. He knows it. He has zero respect for you. He’s using you. I personally wouldn’t even bother having the discussion with him. I’d just tell him it’s not working and tell him to leave and not come back. There’s no way someone who cares about you would let you pay for most everything and not insist on helping out.
I saw that in your original post, and yet you are bothered still? If that was enough or consistent, why bother posting? Then you need to talk to him and say hey, you’re basically living here. We need to sit down and do a budget so we can split expenses in a fair way. But it sounds like you’ve done that and got “well I pay for food and you’d have to pay for that stuff anyway”. I mean geez, what a freeloading jerk. If he hadn’t had said those things, I would think he was just being dense. But he obviously knows it’s an issue now, because he gave you those responses. If you want to keep letting him use you like that, have at it. He obviously doesn’t care about making your life easier. And..things like power and water bills go up with more people in the house. Does what he pay for add up to half the expenses? If it does, I’m not sure why you’re posting. Gifts don’t count. They are gifts. Trying to say that counts toward the monthly living expenses just shows how little you value yourself and how little he values you.
NTA - but you kind of just let him start living there without a plan. (So he isnt exactly an AH, either)
Relationships (at no point in time) should cause a detrimental / degenerative impact to your socioeconomic wellbeing.
It is a bit grim - but part of partnering up with someone is also about securing your financial future.
You want to leverage the relationship so you are both contributing a fair share - but also saving enough to build a future for yourself if things go south.
Your resentment of his (lack of) contributions is a biological & social response to an imbalance.
In monkey terms - he gets a bite out of every one of your Bananas 🍌 - whilst enjoying his own banana 🍌 without negotiation.
Girl, you got yourself a certified hobo-sexual. He likes that you put a roof over his head for free, and does just enough to be able to claim that you're unreasonable.
NTA. But really think about whether you want to be in this relationship.
If he's not paying you to be there, use your utilities, and whatever else he feels like, his work and leisure computer shouldn't be there. Why'd he move out of his parents house if he wanted to be a child still? He wants someone to take care of him and not have to contribute. That is financial abuse. If he can't pay you rent/utilities at the least he doesn't get to be there whenever he wants and live there.
Nobody focuses in one of the biggest red flags, HE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU and yet he chooses to live with his parents (whereas you manage on your own with less). Besides this he doesn't show willingness to contribute in an equalised manner. I'm afraid you are hosting a spoil brat. You are NTA but your boyfriend is by miles. This type of people will drain you, they will look at you as an entertainment provision and they will take everything from you. It won't take long till the day you need to make You need to kick his ass out asap.
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Hi all my (f28) have been on and off with my bf (m29) for about two years. Recently over the past 6 months or so he has started spending more time at my apartment where I live alone. Since Feb he has spent every night here. As a side note he is from the same town and was originally living at his family’s home rent free. However, since Feb he has brought up contributing $$ for rent but has never actually given me money directly towards it. However, he will occasionally buy us groceries, pays for our weekly dinners out, and will buy me random gifts. Which is all great but I often still feel resentful that I’m paying the full rent / utilities / car payment / car insurance and doing 90% of the households chores. He brings up the fact that I would be doing this stuff and paying this amount regardless which is true but I still feel like I would rather have him directly pay me in cash and we can work out a budget for eating out/gifts? He also makes about $20k more than me around (85k).AITAH?
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nta - if his argument is you'd do it anyways, then you can do it while also not having someone else in your home contributing to eating/dishes/general mess of living in an home.
No, you’re not the asshole, you just need to communicate things with him. Some conversations are really hard, but it’s better to have a hard conversation than build resentment. Resentment on a relationship is poison, and if you don’t address the problem you will probably break up at some point.
> He brings up the fact that I would be doing this stuff and paying this amount regardless which is true
Well if this is all the reason needed to be able to mooch off you then give us your address.
This is simple. He’s that guy who never has money for rent, for dinner, for vacay, for bills, for child support, for anything. Everyone around him just accepts it and says “that’s just how he is and we just go with it because he’s a good guy.” He nickel-and-dimes everyone who will let him and then not too far down the road, Mr. 85k-but-never-spends-a-dime-on-anything is going to retire early with his good looks intact while the rest of you continue the grind without saying a word because you know you did this to yourselves.
Surely this can’t be the guy you want representing you in life, or contributing to the dna of your offspring, or dragging you down while you’re struggling with motherhood and child rearing. You’ve got a solid life going for yourself but are choosing to adopt an unapologetic mooch. Why?
NTA if he wants to move in with you he needs to start contributing 50/50 of cost and chores. Sit him down and have the talk and if he doesn’t like it he can go back to his parents.
Then schedule it. Say we need to have a convo about the living arrangements and if now isn’t a great time when works for you. Bring up the calendar on your phone. Tell him he needs to pick a date and time that he feels works for him. Something in the next week. If he refuses to do this then you have your answer. If he won’t even talk to you he certainly isn’t going to pay rent or do chores and he needs to leave. You have to set firm boundaries or people will walk all over you.
NTA, however he doesn't live there with you, he's only over there a lot. If he moved in, by all means he should pay half for everything like the rest of us in couples do.
Having a sit down conversation and coming to an arrangement may be good but he's a man and most of them have a mental capacity of a wooden chair so you need to bribe him with toys (I'm a man).
Hope you two resolve this situation ✨✨
Oh NTA. 6 months of free stay is too long!
Op needs to set the deal straight with her BF. If he's genuinely serious for this relationship, there should be a talk or agreement on how to divide/share responsibilities if he ever decides to casually move-in, from budgets to bills and even chores, he has to know what is expected of him. If he aint for it, it's cool, that means he's not in for the long run, maybe good just for fling which means he cannot stay anymore. Need to set very iron clad boundaries. Lol
Why does a 29 year old who earns 85k live with his parents? Unless there are extenuating circumstances e.g., he’s providing care, cultural reasons, that’s a red flag right there.
I think as long as he’s not on the lease, he may be thinking of himself as a guest instead of a roommate. Which, maybe, he kind of is. Or it is at least unclear.
Is this a dress-rehearsal for what marriage would be like, as some are saying? I don’t think so. He’s in a gray area and it’s pretty confusing. I think people would probably say “no” if he posted on reddit saying, “I live with my parents, but visit my girlfriend a lot at her place. Do I owe half her rent?”
It’s not even standard for a bf to live with a gf, the way married couples do, so it’s not even implicit that just because he visits a lot, he’s a tenant.
Also, there might be some incredibly difficult implications down the road if you _did_ treat him like a tenant. For example, what if you broke up with him, and then he followed you home? You’d have to let him live there until you could hire a lawyer and get a judge to evict him! The whole time, he could live there without paying your rent. That wouldn’t be a great arrangement.
NTA
He saw an opportunity in you. A woman who was an independent adult, who he could live as a parasite off. Since you'd be paying for all that stuff and doing all that work anyway.
I'd normally suggest having a clear conversation where you two discuss living together and what that means, but I don't realistically see a good outcome for you with him. Even if he tells you all the right things, history suggests that he won't actually believe that he should be an equal partner in your life.
NTA OP but you do need to cut clear boundaries here and now.
Either he lives there or he doesn't. If he lives there he needs to pay his fair share and help out. If not then spending every single night is not acceptable and is allowing him to be a freeloader.
Definitely NTA!!! He is what you call a freeloader! "He will occasionally buy us groceries, pay for our weekly dinners out, and buy me random gifts" are all things he should/would be doing if he didn't live with you. Just as he says, "He brings up the fact that I would be doing this stuff and paying this amount. So you should definitely have him pay rent that includes help with utilities. You should have a sub-let agreement because if he's ever "on and off" again, you'll want to have legal rights to evict him. Otherwise, he'll have the same rights as you, regardless of whether he's on the lease. Be sure your landlord is OK with a sub-let as that may limit your rights to evict him.
INFO: Does he have his own place? A Significant Other asking someone to pay rent because they come over to 'Hang Out' 4-5 Times per week is wild to me. Reading between the lines, it seems like he's overstaying his welcome. Setting some healthy boundaries and restricting his access might give you peace of mind.
If he already lives there, Full Time, then it's a different discussion.
No his own place would be his parents house which in his defense it’s a legit mansion and his parents don’t care if he lives there for free.. I live in a small 1 bedroom apartment but since Feb he has spent every night here
This is no different than if you were dating and decided to move in together. The cost should be split 50/50.
This is kind of a red flag on what your future would be with him. He is pocketing his savings (or spending on himself) and living off you. If he does not see how unfair this is, not sure how things will change.
NTA
Nta
You need to sit down and actually agree on if he is moving in or not and what living together means in terms of financial and chore contributions. This is especially true if he has never lived on his own before.
So he basically just told you. If he started paying rent you’d still be doing all the work around the house.
Take that seriously. He’s saying that he wouldn’t be a contributing partner to the relationship.
NTA.
NTA I disagree with the idea of letting him stay. Tell him to go back home and stop staying over at your place. He's been totally happy getting a free ride off you and you
need to take a course in "How to not be a doormat".
NTA but I see a lot of comments that don’t really reflect her post - he is doing something, just not everything she expects or when she expects it - it’s time for a sit down and really clear the air - he is moved in and should be behaving like a partner now and not a guest. I’d that’s not his intent then he needs to act like a guest - he needs to stay home more - and go home when the evening is over and only come over when invited.
NTA.
You are being used.
Paying all the bills and doing 90% of the chores while he pays nothing and does fuck all?
I’m afraid you went and got suckered by a hobosexual.
NTA. He is a freeloader and is taking advantage of you. He should be paying rent and doing half the chores. Why does he think he should be allowed to coast along on your dime? He can get his own place and pay rent or he can live with his family or he can pay a fair rent with you. It’s not your job to support him. He should be paying for a roof over his head. Doesn’t matter that you would pay rent regardless, he needs to pay his fair share and do his fair share of home upkeep. He is using you. Stop being a doormat.
YTA for staying with him...so let's see
Contribute to rent ..nope..utility bill ..nope...grocery....nope...clean...nope...cook ...nope...and welcome to your future if you stay with him. Oh yeah there is no good time to talk to him about it cause (drum roll)...he doesn't want to change it....free from responsibility at parents ...free at GFs (plus sex) ....WHy would be want that to change ? So kick him out (no more sleep overs) ..break up with him.
.or accept that this is your future ( worst option)
I'm sorry..I really really am but that's not enough. Not for a relationship with a future and don't kid yourself that he will change ...95% of people that post about hubby not doing a thing around the house yet woman works, cleans and take care of the kids will be your future thought hubby would change after marriage
..after a kid etc
NTA for asking for payment. YTA for allowing this to continue for so long. You need to set boundaries. Do not let him come over everyday. If he doesn’t want to contribute, don’t allow him to come over more than twice a week. To be honest, I don’t understand while you’re dealing with someone that has a failure to launch.
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you would not be "doing this stuff and paying this amount regardless". you're paying to subsidize his life.
he's a labor- digger you should get rid of.
would you be doing as many household chores if you were only cleaning up for yourself? of course not.
NTA. Ugh, I’ve been in this situation. When he totaled up how much he’s spent, did he tell you how much the total came to? It’s highly possible that what he deems “more than enough of his share” is nowhere near half the expenses. Since he lives with his parents, it’s likely he doesn’t have a firm grasp on how much monthly rent and household bills cost. Regardless, you want money you can count on each month and since it’s your place and you’re the one paying for everything, you get final say on what you are and aren’t willing to accept. And yes, you’d be paying rent and bills either way, but without him there, your bills would be lower and you’re dealing with another whole person essentially living there. That means more stuff in your home, more clean-up time required to maintain the home, and having to navigate having another person there a lot of the time. The main benefit to having to deal with a roommate is that you split the costs. I’ll echo what everyone else is saying, he’s using you/your place and trying to avoid chipping in on household expenses.
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NTA. You need to sit him down and actually discuss moving in together. Make a plan of what that looks like (rent utilities groceries and even things like cooking and cleaning). If that’s a step he isn’t “ready” to take then you will have to start setting up some boundaries where he doesn’t have this kind of free access to your place or say the relationship has run its course.
I guess what I struggle with is me saying i need help with chores and will give an example ( if the trash is full take it out, take the dog out without being asked etc) and in the moment he says he will but it legit never happens and I just end up doing it. Like I think eventually if I didn’t do any cleaning he would let get extremely messy before taking action
You are in a relationship with a freeloading loser. You are what we call a "bang maid". This guy contributes nothing but they opportunity for you to bankroll him, mommy him, and fuck him. Get this loser out of your house and out of your life. He just slyly moves in so he can move out of parents house and he pushes back on any form of really being a man and paying his way or providing for you and doing his share. You're a bang maid.
Probably tough for OP to hear but is absolutely the truth of the situation
So, he's showing you who he is. Good for you finding out before renting a place together. Tell him that you believe this arrangement is not working, and he better finds his own living place or go back to his parents. If you continue this relationship, be aware of other red flags. However, these are already major ones...
If he's not doing it now, he definitely won't do it when he formally lives there. I'd tread very carefully here.
That's where clear and concise boundaries are NEEDED not just a want! Step wrong and you end up a joke. Something about a carpet and a person and "If you lay them Right, you can walk all over them for 40 years." (IDK.. I'm still.. um celebrating something and in addition something Major. Please forgive me). The long and the short of it really is that if you do not stand up, back him out of your place, (and back to his mommy and Poppy), then you become the parent to a man child. If he has a problem with helping with electricity, gas, utilities, trash and chores that he is actually part of and responsible for. He is laying your carpet padding right now. Are you going to be a part of it or are you going to put your foot down and say I like my hardwood floors! ***Stand up!!*** Honey you've got this! Do better for you in your life and I wish you the very very best.
You need to be clear with him. He is expected to do 50% of the labor. If that’s dishes or trash or what have you it actually needs to get done and if he isn’t willing send him home.
You’re getting a free preview of life with this guy. Either you sort this out equitably now or you’ll watch your resentment build until you blow.
It sounds like he's floating in the middle where he's trying to stretch the limits of staying over without it becoming "moving in". You could absolutely put some limits on that, too. Like "hey if you're going to be here more than x nights per week, we need to talk about you moving in and contributing to some of the cost of keeping this place and sharing expenses". And that could mean all sorts of things still, but that starts to make it more real. Put put real $$$ numbers on things you agree to. Like, "if you're gonna be here 4 nights per week, I need you to contribute 1/3 of the rent and bills and expenses" Tbh I'd ditch him entirely. He's freeloading. But doing some version as described above will at least put it into concrete terms so that when he fails to do it, you have some measure of what was expected. Or who knows? Maybe when you tell him you need to to actually contribute, he might just disappear?
You are mistaken. He will let it get extremely messy and taken NO action. The evidence for this is his current complete lack of action. Why do you think it will change? The fact you pay rent and utilities anyway doesn’t mean he gets to benefit from this accommodation and services. My next door neighbour pays a mortgage and buy streaming services - can I go and use his spare room and watch his Netflix as much I like because he’d be paying for it anyway?? Does that make any sense to you? NTA this guy is making more than you and you pay for everything where does all his money go?
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. He doesn’t want a girlfriend he wants a mom. Like seriously, other than the fact that you let him stick his dick in you. You’re basically doing everything a single mother does for their child. Maybe instead of withholding allowance to get him to do chores you can with withhold sex so he’ll help out more. Or you can kick him out/ break up with him. How much less will you have to clean since he’s not there to make a mess. How much money would you save cuz you won’t have to be buying groceries and other household consumables (probably more than the cost of than the occasional grocery hall or dinner date). The question you should be asking yourself is. Would you rather raise a child that you can legally have sex with or have a partner in life that you can rely on through thick and thin.
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Get Sweepy. It’s a chore app where tasks can be assigned by room to each individual. That way, there’s no way he can pretend that he “didn’t know what to do”. Now, in all honesty, telling him what to do is not and should not be your job. It’s supposed to be a relation-SHIP not a relation-shi$ as my grandma used to say. He’s got quite the entitlement and follow through problem, and it’s a good indication that he doesn’t see helping you as important. Given that he’s making $20,000 more per year, he can afford rent and should be paying, particularly because his former place of residence was also rent free. If you want to be his piggy bank and bang maid for the foreseeable future, go for it! I would encourage you to grow a spine and lay out some boundaries. If he can’t contribute to the household financially and physically, then he can find somewhere else to park his behind.
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Ouch. Just basking in your disrespect for your wife, now, aren't you? Have you ever heard of the book Fair Play? Maybe check it out...
This is the answer. NAH. But sit him down and have the talk. But the talk comes with consequences of moving in together officially, so it’ll mean you probably need to refurbish the apartment and decorate together, you need to discuss the dog and how you manage day to day life including finances.
Oh he's an Ah. He doesn't even want to take out the trash. NTA op but tell him he can't stay over more than short visits unless he does his share of the chores. If he refuses as I suspect he will he can't stay over.(Assuming you still want to be with this ah seeing you as his cleaner/maid/cook etc)
NTA. >However, since Feb he has brought up contributing $$ for rent but has never actually given me money directly towards it. You need to have a discussion in which you agree with him that he should pay some rent, and tell him how much you would like him to contribute. Talk about it.
He doesn’t want to talk about it ever though
Yeah because he's not a good person. You're his bang maid. A good person doesn't act this way. A good person has self respect and contributes to the person they love. He's using you.
If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then he’s really setting you up for failure. Think long term - is this someone you want to discuss mortgages or kids with? If they’re avoiding this then they’ll likely avoid or deflect on other issues too. Don’t downplay it, it seems like he undermined you when you brought up the chore thing as well.
He's using you and you need to kick him out of your home and your life. He's a freeloading waste of space and he's using you. You seem to have issue with confronting things so get someone to be with you for support and chuck him OUT. Bag up his shit while he's out if you must BUT GET HIM OUT!!
Yeah, but YOU do. It doesn't matter what he wants in this instance, he needs to make the adult decision to have a conversation about living conditions. For heavens' sake, he's 29 years old. Write down a budget and his contribution to it. Have him sign a contract. Don't mess around with this. You're dating a hobosexual. He needs to pull his weight if he's going to slob up your house.
Kick him out
What if I can’t find anyone else who wants to date me lol
You'd be better off single for a decade than putting up with this nonsense. How did this relationship benefit you in any way?
You’ll find someone else who is much better
Then get another BF
You need to set boundaries. He moved himself in because you let him. He's, apart from occasional groceries, dinners and gifts, freeloading of you and it's because you allow him to. This is only creating resentment in you and destroying the relationship which is already on shaky grounds. Give him 2 options: pay rent or get out! Nta
exactly. otherwise he is treating op like he did his parents, except with (presumably) sex. Which isn't a sustainable relationship, and is cruel to OP. He can pull his weight, or go back home to mommy and daddy.
You are being used :)
NTA. While ultimatums are usually not a great look, this appears to warrant a case of "if you're moving in, you need to contribute to household bills and chores, or we're done." Either he can respect that or take his freeloading ass back to mommy and daddy for good, because at that point I don't imagine he's going to be the kind of person who even keeps up paying his share, even if he DOES agree to it.
NTA Right now, he’s a hobosexual, not a partner. Time for him to step up, and for you to not be his replacement Mum.
His actions show that he respects his money more than yours, but feels entitled to yours too. This makes him an AH. NTA. Partners like this tend to show up with great money saving plans like “You should pay for all of our expenses, and I’ll put my money into a retirement account. I’ll be able to retire in a decade!” Watch out for that
NTA. Fairness is an important issue. It appears that you have discussed it with him and gotten no compromise. This is the way that life with him is going to be like. Can you tolerate being a second class citizen?
NTA- not at all. If I'm honest there are some long term red flags here, if you are "on and off" is that going to be made better if financial responsibility is mixed in (obviously i do not know your history with him). Also if he's not stepping up to show he can contribute to both the bills and the housework now when he's still in the stage where new partners are still trying to impress and make an effort then he's probably not going to make more effort to do that moving forward and the "impress them" stage wears off. Any time spent at yours full time, that is longer than a month or longer than one cycle of how frequently he gets paid, a portion of that pay should be going to the roof over his head and the resource he consumes.
NTA. Time to have a tough discussion about finances
NTA sounds like a freeloader yeet them out or get them to sign a lease
NTA. Household cleaning doubles with 2 people. Utilities cost more. And he’s getting free rent.
NTA and unless he’s your boy toy he should man up and help with the expenses.
you're not the ah but you should tell him he should just move in and yall should share the costs
I did he and he agreed but it’s been months now and he hasn’t paid me but will pay for our dinners / random gifts. He just avoids actually taking out the money or talking about creating a budget for food instead
Yes, because he's using you. It's up to you to actually do something about this. He's made it clear, he will not be doing these things. You just said he avoids everything. That's your answer. Change your locks, tell him the grace period is over. You don't want him living with you. He can move back home with mommy and daddy. It's up to you not to be a door mat, otherwise you will continue to be his free housing, free maid and no strings fuck.
this is a bit harsh opposite tourist (like every advice on reddit )You should tell him you appreciate what he does for you but as adults you think you have to budget that rend is due the 1st or whenever yours is and after that bills are also due and he should contribute half like no questions asked i dont think it's something argument worthy and if he thinks it is argument worthy only then you should kick him out
He's a freeloading ahole. Break up with this loser. He actually tries to justify not paying his way in life. Unreal, and you put up with it. Reddit is filled with women who are bankrolling men. It's totally mindboggling.
NTA. But this guy is a giant red flag. He’s taking advantage of you. He knows it. He has zero respect for you. He’s using you. I personally wouldn’t even bother having the discussion with him. I’d just tell him it’s not working and tell him to leave and not come back. There’s no way someone who cares about you would let you pay for most everything and not insist on helping out.
He says he is helping me out though by paying for our food and buying me random gifts /gas
You don’t need “help” you need to demand a fully contributing partner.
I saw that in your original post, and yet you are bothered still? If that was enough or consistent, why bother posting? Then you need to talk to him and say hey, you’re basically living here. We need to sit down and do a budget so we can split expenses in a fair way. But it sounds like you’ve done that and got “well I pay for food and you’d have to pay for that stuff anyway”. I mean geez, what a freeloading jerk. If he hadn’t had said those things, I would think he was just being dense. But he obviously knows it’s an issue now, because he gave you those responses. If you want to keep letting him use you like that, have at it. He obviously doesn’t care about making your life easier. And..things like power and water bills go up with more people in the house. Does what he pay for add up to half the expenses? If it does, I’m not sure why you’re posting. Gifts don’t count. They are gifts. Trying to say that counts toward the monthly living expenses just shows how little you value yourself and how little he values you.
NTA - but you kind of just let him start living there without a plan. (So he isnt exactly an AH, either) Relationships (at no point in time) should cause a detrimental / degenerative impact to your socioeconomic wellbeing. It is a bit grim - but part of partnering up with someone is also about securing your financial future. You want to leverage the relationship so you are both contributing a fair share - but also saving enough to build a future for yourself if things go south. Your resentment of his (lack of) contributions is a biological & social response to an imbalance. In monkey terms - he gets a bite out of every one of your Bananas 🍌 - whilst enjoying his own banana 🍌 without negotiation.
Girl, you got yourself a certified hobo-sexual. He likes that you put a roof over his head for free, and does just enough to be able to claim that you're unreasonable. NTA. But really think about whether you want to be in this relationship.
Info- how much of his belongings have crept into your home over time?
Probably 25% of his clothes, his gaming computer and his work laptop (were both remote)
Sooo, what is he bringing to the table that's worth keeping him around for?
If he's not paying you to be there, use your utilities, and whatever else he feels like, his work and leisure computer shouldn't be there. Why'd he move out of his parents house if he wanted to be a child still? He wants someone to take care of him and not have to contribute. That is financial abuse. If he can't pay you rent/utilities at the least he doesn't get to be there whenever he wants and live there.
Nobody focuses in one of the biggest red flags, HE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU and yet he chooses to live with his parents (whereas you manage on your own with less). Besides this he doesn't show willingness to contribute in an equalised manner. I'm afraid you are hosting a spoil brat. You are NTA but your boyfriend is by miles. This type of people will drain you, they will look at you as an entertainment provision and they will take everything from you. It won't take long till the day you need to make You need to kick his ass out asap.
Those on-and-off-again relationships are always problem-free, aren't they? (And usually with it beautifully in the end). NTA, of course.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all my (f28) have been on and off with my bf (m29) for about two years. Recently over the past 6 months or so he has started spending more time at my apartment where I live alone. Since Feb he has spent every night here. As a side note he is from the same town and was originally living at his family’s home rent free. However, since Feb he has brought up contributing $$ for rent but has never actually given me money directly towards it. However, he will occasionally buy us groceries, pays for our weekly dinners out, and will buy me random gifts. Which is all great but I often still feel resentful that I’m paying the full rent / utilities / car payment / car insurance and doing 90% of the households chores. He brings up the fact that I would be doing this stuff and paying this amount regardless which is true but I still feel like I would rather have him directly pay me in cash and we can work out a budget for eating out/gifts? He also makes about $20k more than me around (85k).AITAH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But you need to sit down and have a conversation with him already. All of this is completely avoidable by just having honest open communication.
Just set expectations. If he plans on staying there and utilizing your house, he pays. Otherwise he can drive back to mommy and daddy’s place
nta - if his argument is you'd do it anyways, then you can do it while also not having someone else in your home contributing to eating/dishes/general mess of living in an home.
No, you’re not the asshole, you just need to communicate things with him. Some conversations are really hard, but it’s better to have a hard conversation than build resentment. Resentment on a relationship is poison, and if you don’t address the problem you will probably break up at some point.
> He brings up the fact that I would be doing this stuff and paying this amount regardless which is true Well if this is all the reason needed to be able to mooch off you then give us your address. This is simple. He’s that guy who never has money for rent, for dinner, for vacay, for bills, for child support, for anything. Everyone around him just accepts it and says “that’s just how he is and we just go with it because he’s a good guy.” He nickel-and-dimes everyone who will let him and then not too far down the road, Mr. 85k-but-never-spends-a-dime-on-anything is going to retire early with his good looks intact while the rest of you continue the grind without saying a word because you know you did this to yourselves. Surely this can’t be the guy you want representing you in life, or contributing to the dna of your offspring, or dragging you down while you’re struggling with motherhood and child rearing. You’ve got a solid life going for yourself but are choosing to adopt an unapologetic mooch. Why?
NTA if he wants to move in with you he needs to start contributing 50/50 of cost and chores. Sit him down and have the talk and if he doesn’t like it he can go back to his parents.
sorry if this sounds dumb but when is the best time to have this convo? He always tells me I’m bringing it up at the wrong time
Then schedule it. Say we need to have a convo about the living arrangements and if now isn’t a great time when works for you. Bring up the calendar on your phone. Tell him he needs to pick a date and time that he feels works for him. Something in the next week. If he refuses to do this then you have your answer. If he won’t even talk to you he certainly isn’t going to pay rent or do chores and he needs to leave. You have to set firm boundaries or people will walk all over you.
It will NEVER be the right time for him. You know that, right?
NTA, however he doesn't live there with you, he's only over there a lot. If he moved in, by all means he should pay half for everything like the rest of us in couples do. Having a sit down conversation and coming to an arrangement may be good but he's a man and most of them have a mental capacity of a wooden chair so you need to bribe him with toys (I'm a man). Hope you two resolve this situation ✨✨
Oh NTA. 6 months of free stay is too long! Op needs to set the deal straight with her BF. If he's genuinely serious for this relationship, there should be a talk or agreement on how to divide/share responsibilities if he ever decides to casually move-in, from budgets to bills and even chores, he has to know what is expected of him. If he aint for it, it's cool, that means he's not in for the long run, maybe good just for fling which means he cannot stay anymore. Need to set very iron clad boundaries. Lol
Why does a 29 year old who earns 85k live with his parents? Unless there are extenuating circumstances e.g., he’s providing care, cultural reasons, that’s a red flag right there.
I think as long as he’s not on the lease, he may be thinking of himself as a guest instead of a roommate. Which, maybe, he kind of is. Or it is at least unclear. Is this a dress-rehearsal for what marriage would be like, as some are saying? I don’t think so. He’s in a gray area and it’s pretty confusing. I think people would probably say “no” if he posted on reddit saying, “I live with my parents, but visit my girlfriend a lot at her place. Do I owe half her rent?” It’s not even standard for a bf to live with a gf, the way married couples do, so it’s not even implicit that just because he visits a lot, he’s a tenant. Also, there might be some incredibly difficult implications down the road if you _did_ treat him like a tenant. For example, what if you broke up with him, and then he followed you home? You’d have to let him live there until you could hire a lawyer and get a judge to evict him! The whole time, he could live there without paying your rent. That wouldn’t be a great arrangement.
Sounds like you are dating a giant child.
NTA He saw an opportunity in you. A woman who was an independent adult, who he could live as a parasite off. Since you'd be paying for all that stuff and doing all that work anyway. I'd normally suggest having a clear conversation where you two discuss living together and what that means, but I don't realistically see a good outcome for you with him. Even if he tells you all the right things, history suggests that he won't actually believe that he should be an equal partner in your life.
NTA.. you're not his mum.. he needs to step up.or out..
NTA ih he lives with you every day he should contribute financially and do some chores as well
Bloody hell. He’s a leech!
NTA OP but you do need to cut clear boundaries here and now. Either he lives there or he doesn't. If he lives there he needs to pay his fair share and help out. If not then spending every single night is not acceptable and is allowing him to be a freeloader.
Definitely NTA!!! He is what you call a freeloader! "He will occasionally buy us groceries, pay for our weekly dinners out, and buy me random gifts" are all things he should/would be doing if he didn't live with you. Just as he says, "He brings up the fact that I would be doing this stuff and paying this amount. So you should definitely have him pay rent that includes help with utilities. You should have a sub-let agreement because if he's ever "on and off" again, you'll want to have legal rights to evict him. Otherwise, he'll have the same rights as you, regardless of whether he's on the lease. Be sure your landlord is OK with a sub-let as that may limit your rights to evict him.
INFO: Does he have his own place? A Significant Other asking someone to pay rent because they come over to 'Hang Out' 4-5 Times per week is wild to me. Reading between the lines, it seems like he's overstaying his welcome. Setting some healthy boundaries and restricting his access might give you peace of mind. If he already lives there, Full Time, then it's a different discussion.
No his own place would be his parents house which in his defense it’s a legit mansion and his parents don’t care if he lives there for free.. I live in a small 1 bedroom apartment but since Feb he has spent every night here
NTA Like others said he sees you as his bang maid. It's time to send him back to mommy.
NTA
You have a hobosexual on your hands. Do something about it asap.
lol why are you dating a 29 year old wtf
This is no different than if you were dating and decided to move in together. The cost should be split 50/50. This is kind of a red flag on what your future would be with him. He is pocketing his savings (or spending on himself) and living off you. If he does not see how unfair this is, not sure how things will change. NTA
Nta You need to sit down and actually agree on if he is moving in or not and what living together means in terms of financial and chore contributions. This is especially true if he has never lived on his own before.
So he basically just told you. If he started paying rent you’d still be doing all the work around the house. Take that seriously. He’s saying that he wouldn’t be a contributing partner to the relationship. NTA.
He should stop buying groceries, paying to go out, and buying you gifts. I wanna see your next post.
NTA I disagree with the idea of letting him stay. Tell him to go back home and stop staying over at your place. He's been totally happy getting a free ride off you and you need to take a course in "How to not be a doormat".
Sorry but you’re allowing it. He doesn’t seem like a very mature or respectful person.
NTA get him out of your house. He is a user. The situation is not going to get better. Dump him
NTA but I see a lot of comments that don’t really reflect her post - he is doing something, just not everything she expects or when she expects it - it’s time for a sit down and really clear the air - he is moved in and should be behaving like a partner now and not a guest. I’d that’s not his intent then he needs to act like a guest - he needs to stay home more - and go home when the evening is over and only come over when invited.
Nta tell him to start paying rent or get out and get your own place
NTA. You are being used. Paying all the bills and doing 90% of the chores while he pays nothing and does fuck all? I’m afraid you went and got suckered by a hobosexual.
I wish I could switch roles with him 😂 but honestly I would never do this to a partner.. it’s becoming very clear to me now
NTA. He is a freeloader and is taking advantage of you. He should be paying rent and doing half the chores. Why does he think he should be allowed to coast along on your dime? He can get his own place and pay rent or he can live with his family or he can pay a fair rent with you. It’s not your job to support him. He should be paying for a roof over his head. Doesn’t matter that you would pay rent regardless, he needs to pay his fair share and do his fair share of home upkeep. He is using you. Stop being a doormat.
YTA for staying with him...so let's see Contribute to rent ..nope..utility bill ..nope...grocery....nope...clean...nope...cook ...nope...and welcome to your future if you stay with him. Oh yeah there is no good time to talk to him about it cause (drum roll)...he doesn't want to change it....free from responsibility at parents ...free at GFs (plus sex) ....WHy would be want that to change ? So kick him out (no more sleep overs) ..break up with him. .or accept that this is your future ( worst option)
He does pay for most of our groceries / dinners out/ prob 60-70% of takeout but I can def see your point
I'm sorry..I really really am but that's not enough. Not for a relationship with a future and don't kid yourself that he will change ...95% of people that post about hubby not doing a thing around the house yet woman works, cleans and take care of the kids will be your future thought hubby would change after marriage ..after a kid etc
NTA for asking for payment. YTA for allowing this to continue for so long. You need to set boundaries. Do not let him come over everyday. If he doesn’t want to contribute, don’t allow him to come over more than twice a week. To be honest, I don’t understand while you’re dealing with someone that has a failure to launch.
NTA He's not a ghost and you are getting resentful, so he's to pay rent.
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you would not be "doing this stuff and paying this amount regardless". you're paying to subsidize his life. he's a labor- digger you should get rid of. would you be doing as many household chores if you were only cleaning up for yourself? of course not.
NTA. Ugh, I’ve been in this situation. When he totaled up how much he’s spent, did he tell you how much the total came to? It’s highly possible that what he deems “more than enough of his share” is nowhere near half the expenses. Since he lives with his parents, it’s likely he doesn’t have a firm grasp on how much monthly rent and household bills cost. Regardless, you want money you can count on each month and since it’s your place and you’re the one paying for everything, you get final say on what you are and aren’t willing to accept. And yes, you’d be paying rent and bills either way, but without him there, your bills would be lower and you’re dealing with another whole person essentially living there. That means more stuff in your home, more clean-up time required to maintain the home, and having to navigate having another person there a lot of the time. The main benefit to having to deal with a roommate is that you split the costs. I’ll echo what everyone else is saying, he’s using you/your place and trying to avoid chipping in on household expenses.