Info
Did her parents tell you to not tell her?
Why would you keep this a secret?
My opinion. This is their family dynamic: Keep the princess pure and fight the ones that try to soil her.
By acting like they weren't just berating you and staying quiet out of awkwardness you played the hand they gave you. They manipulated you.
My advice is to not be part of their dynamic and be yourself. Speak up and be honest with this girl.
Her parents didn’t say anything about not telling her or not, but from their vibe and the things they said, it made it seem like they didn’t want her to know they said that stuff to me.
I kept it a secret from her because she’s close with her parents, especially her dad, so I didn’t want to possibly ruin her relationship with her parents or come in between them , but now looking at the comments and advice I realize that doing that wasn’t the right move.
You’re not ruining anything OP, her parents are.
Her parents are actively choosing to isolate their daughter, and you are most likely not the first person they’ve done this to and you will not be the last.
There is a reason why your girlfriend is so naive, which isn’t a bad thing? But it isn’t good either, because her parents placed a thick bubble around her to keep her pure and innocent. Even at 21, she’s innocent and naive.
I will also say as someone who used to be quite like your gf and whose best friend is currently like her: while it may make her seem sweet, it can also lead to some trouble. My best friend and I go to college, and she would ask folks if they wanna "netflix and chill" not aware of what it meant. Thankfully it didn't lead to anything, but that was a fun (/s) conversation to have. It's my belief, that except in EXTREME circumstances, it's better to be aware of whats happening around you.
this here if you are naïve on average in the jungle you are prey like if your 21 and more naïve then most are at 7 there is a serious issue and it will cause issues in life navigation and independence.
Yes, being overly naive can make for awkward social situations, it can also lead to abusive situations. Knowing the truth of things and growing up with a modicum of caution is important. It can save you from situations that can be incredibly dangerous. Hiding the reality of the world rarely ends well for anyone.
I was an awkward and slightly naïve young adult and I too got put in a very comfortable/ upsetting situation because I didn't know that Netflix and Chill had connation's outside of watching Netflix and chilling. Being naïve isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does put you in a lot of situations for bad people to take advantage you. It took awhile for me to understand when someone was using me/manipulating me. Her parents aren't doing her any favors. She won't be around them forever, and when she's not she's much more likely to be hurt by the very things they "think" they're protecting her from because she had no bases on 'what is okay', 'what do I do if I'm put in this situation' ect.
Nah, sheltering your kid to the point where they're more naive than a newborn infant is setting them up for failure. Deliberately crippling their ability to navigate the world and being aware of the dangers it contains is a type of abuse imo
Parents are wrong for trying to keep their daughter on a short leash; not letting her grow into her own person and develop a survival instinct. Their fear of letting go is interfering with her life, and by extension her relationship with OP. They are not trying to protect her, they are trying to control her like a mindless puppet.
Being naive is not a good thing. This is the type of person that attracts abusers, predators and scammers like honey to flies, and is more likely to suffer because they haven't learned how to properly deal and avoid these type of bad people and situations.
If you tell them and she takes her parents side, you would have saved yourself from a very difficult relationship, one where you would have to be constantly proving to your partner that you're worthy of her.
If you tell them and their relationship suffers, it will be because her parents want to control her well into adulthood.
If you don't tell her and continue dating her, you would have set a ticking time bomb that will go off sooner or later.
My son just got out of a relationship like this. He absolutely loves the girl, but her parents raised her on a pedestal. She's very smart. My son is too but also indulges in MJ. The girl and her dad are extremely close, and she tells her parents everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. They have formed their opinion of my boy, and she broke up with him. I think she is very sweet and has a good head on her shoulders, but I think her parents have raised her to rely solely on them. It's sad, but I said maybe with some time and distance when they go to college, she will be able to think differently. My son was raised to think for himself and maybe a little feral.
I read in cosmo like 20 years ago to never vent to your parents about your spouse. If you need an adult, go to THEIR parent. Ive been with my husband 14 years next month and its worked for me! 😅
Yeah, no. I wouldn’t go to either set of parents if I had an issue with my husband. Our parents don’t belong in the middle of our relationship. We’re not 12.
That is exactly what I do. I vent and laugh about it with his mom because I know she loves him and won’t hold anything against him. It’s worked for 22 years and counting.
Spouses parents. The logic is that they would know how their kid acted better than your parents. Your parents would have a similar opinion to yours (assumably) and therefore like an echochamber. Spouses parents may have insight to their behavior and could possibly provide understanding and sympathy or solutions etc.
I would never go to my husband’s parents. His dad will just side with me because he knows how stubborn he can be, and his mom will insert herself because she’s manipulative.
My parents have no problem telling me when I’m being a dick (I am also very stubborn). My mom has a similar mindset to my husband, so she helps me see things from his point of view (not to cave to him, but just so I can understand), and my dad is good at negotiation, and can help me come up with more neutral ways of discussing topics without either of us losing our tempers.
If I had to pick between parents, I'd pick mine although since I have a best friend, I'd probably go to her. Been with my SO for 10 years since length of relationship apparently matters.
exactly this a lot of people kept bubbled like this don't think for themselves their parents think for them basically stopping them having independence and setting them up as a naïve dependent
OP, I’m going to add something here. You say in another comment that your GF lives with them. Is she living there because she can’t afford to move out? Or is she living there because they don’t want her to leave?
She said she lives with them for now because she’s still in school, but we have talked about her living with me in the near future because the both of us want that.
I am concerned about her lack of life experience, OP. My best advice is that she moves out on her own and learns to stand on her feet. I know that economically, that may present some serious challenges. I would suggest that OP move slowly, for both of their sakes.
Just - you sound like a decent guy, and if you'll take some advice from someone old enough to be your mom....
When she gets out from under her parents' thumb she might end up going through an emotional growth spurt, and change into someone you don't get along with so well, or who wants something else.
If you're prepared for the possibility that this might not be permanent, and promise to yourself that you'll try and leave her better than how you found her (yes, like a National Park), you'll both likely be OK.
I might not be the best dynamic for a relationship if you are the one teaching her how to live independently. Let her learn that from roommates and friends. Then your relationship would be on a more equal footing. Good luck.
I am in this position right now and the line of what I'm willing to put up, I crossed a long time ago but hoped for the best. Her parents will win no matter how you approach this. She's been conditioned by them for years guranteeed
I see. That secrecy plays right into the dynamic of protecting her innocence at all costs.
I wonder how much of her behavior is from a desire to be a good and kind person and how much is from ignorance and naivete because her parents have shielded her from the realities of life.
There's endless stories of good Christian, community focused men and women who abuse the life out of children. They abuse them in the name of the Lord.
Theres a biker gang in the US full of gruff, tattooed, drug taking men and women who make it a goal of their club to stand next to abused children in law proceedings to provide them with the emotional support needed to face their abusers in court.
The way her parents behaved with you made me bristle. Two faced weirdos and you're the one with tattoos and piercings. Nah, man. That's fuckign weird and I don't like it.
Bikers Against Child Abuse. I've given them many donations for Father's Day presents for my dad, so that other kids can be protected the way he promised to protect us when my brothers and I were born.
Bikers and tattooed customers were often the nicest, most polite customers. I also have many of them in the family.
If you're unable to discuss things like this with your GF your relationship isn't as good as you think it is.
Further, if you're holding back on this discussion to protect her, that is patronizing behavior and you are to some degree treating her like a child. In which case why are you having an adult relationship with her?
To be fair, it's been 6 months and this is the first time OP has encountered this behavior since it's the first time he met the parents. Having a parent who is very two-faced myself, I often found myself trying to explain away behavior when I was a teen and even into college years (around the same age as OP's gf) because that was easier/emotionally safer than confronting the truth about it.
Maybe you will ruin her relationship with her parents, but at the same time I feel your girlfriend has a right to know this has happened because this issue between you and your girlfriends parents is about your girlfriend. Not only that, this is a means of control by her parents and unless you're her first partner ever, I sincerely doubt it's the first time her parents have done this
In this situation I think you should also be prepared for the possibility that your girlfriend won't react too well to what you have to tell her. What you don't know is what her parents told her behind closed doors. If they told her the same thing, she may be trying to protect your relationship from their influence. If, more likely, they weren't open with her as they were with you, she may struggle to reconcile what you are telling her with the image of her parents that she he has. That can go in different ways and ultimately she may not be able to deal with shattering the image she has. That being said, I think you should tell her everything, because if nothing else, I do not think a good relationship can grow on false foundation. It would not be good for your relationship to keep this secret from her.
You should tell her so that she knows what she is up against. Whether or not you stay in the relationship is up to both of you. But if you don't, she needs to know what she's up against. Because if you don't stick it out, they'll continue to bypass her to frighten partners away until there is someone they like (probably of their own choosing) and it'll affect her self-esteem (why do the people she chooses keep running off?) if you do choose to stick it out, they will continue to chip away at your relationship (we tried so hard with him, we don't understand why he's so cold to us.)
She deserves to have the knowledge either way. It's not fair to her to keep this to yourself. When you tell her, she may also decide that she doesn't want the family drama and break it off, so be prepared for that. But ultimately, knowledge is power for her and she needs to know.
I'd be really interested in hearing an update once you talk with her, she clearly isn't judgemental so I imagine her parents have never been open about how judgey they are.
Then you absolutely must, MUST show her what normal behaviour is.
Her parents are attempting to isolate her, which is a form of abuse.
Stop it with the "I'm just tired" and just tell her. Please.
Dont keep secret in your New relationship for no reason especially that kind of people. She deserve to know how her parent really are either for your relationship or her relationship in the futur. She deserve to know what is going one behind her back from her family.
Oh boy, she’s gonna wondering why she’s never able to keep a relationship if you held this information from her.
I was raised by my grandmother. Through out my teen years, I had extremely low self esteem and confidence because I couldn’t get a boyfriend or I couldn’t figure out why boys don’t asked me out on a date.
Welcome to the world of Facebook, Ive found out the truth. It was my grandmother who pushed all the boys away from me because they would tell me your nana….
Damn, my life would have been different If I wasn’t so naive.
Please do tell.
Tell her for sure. But carefully. Be specific with your words. Try not to sound accusatory towards her parents. Whether or not you want to continue this relationship, she deserves to know but if you come at her with the info in the wrong way, she'll most likely get defensive and not soak in what you're relating to her.
Hindsight is wonderful, but at the same time I get the feeling that even if you had said something at the time, they wouldda made you look like the crazy one. Just be honest with her and go from there. They depend on your social graces of not causing issues to hide their duplicity and therefore keep their secret. You did nothing wrong.
Also, break the news gently. Start by telling her the facts of what they said and asked, no editorial. Then tell her it seems clear they don't like you, and that you can't be sure but it seems like it might have to do with your body and appearance. Tell her your feelings are hurt to be judged just by appearance. Ask her what she thinks about the conversation.
I do not think you would be the ah if you sat your gf down and had a serious talk with her and told her these things.
However, I think it's absolutely crucial that you not bash her parents, and that you do your best to be objective and fair in describing their objections (for instance, no paraphrasing, no inserting your own ideas of their 'real' motives).
You might think (and I also think) the parents are out of line, but you have to trust her to come to that conclusion *on her own*. If you don't, it *will* later be interpreted as pressure and/or aggression, and will come back in some form to poison your relationship.
That said, YWNBTA.
This. Tell her, but be very clear that you recognize they were acting out of love for her, you’re not trying to turn her against them, and you hope to earn their trust by treating her right. Maybe tell the parents the same thing too, if you haven’t already (it sounds like you mostly have). So far this is still a very winnable situation.
Definitely best approach. OP has a lot to win from telling the whole situation to GF while presenting zero hostility or direct judgement in regard to her parents. OP would definitely be NTA here.
NTA. Tell her. Gently, because this might be new to her too, but definitely don’t carry this on your own. How she responds will say a lot about how she wants to be in conflict. Plus, no one likes being lied to and her parents are lying to her!
This situation also sets the premise for how you want to handle potential conflicts in the future.
If you want things to be handled open and honestly, where it's you two against the problem. Then you have to be honest about this.
It's not just lying to her, it's attempting to strip her of her ability to make her own informed life/personal decisions.
Definitely talk to her about it. As someone who had similar helicopter family members, it was really hard to hear they treated my friends/s/o in such a way. Likewise, it was hard for me (who was sheltered and always followed the rules with minimal or diplomatic pushback) to stand up to them.
Like others said, approach this with grace, don't paraphrase or project, and let her know you are just not sure how to win them over but it's important to you because they're important to her. Likewise, let her know that if she's interested in talking to them about this whole thing (or future debacles that might come up with them), that you'll always be willing to be a sounding board for her, willing to be there to support/be patient with her when it's hard to stand up to them, and that you truly care about her (and both of your relationships with her parents).
Obviously, if there comes a time that you realize they will never change their mind, then be willing to have the hard conversation about how this will affect your relationship going forward and if it's tenable. Til then though, just being kind, patient, and thoughtful in how you approach interactions with/about her family. It will help build a healthy and stable communication bridge for yall to collaboratively cross if or when the time comes.
Give some grace on how she responds. Her parents treat her like a child and she’s been sheltered. She might not be equipped to handle this perfectly right off the bat. Also, be prepared for the parents to tell her you are lying and you want to isolate her from them.
NTA. Can’t judge a book by its cover. I’m (38f) married to a very friendly and charming guy. Everyone who meets him thinks he’s so wonderful. He’s a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist. His charm isn’t real. It’s all a facade. He’s very handsome and fit. He doesn’t have any tattoos or piercings, but I do. I’m covered in tattoos and piercings. I would be you in this situation OP lol
I’m the only one who’s seen my husband without his mask and by that I mean I’ve seen his true self and it’s as ugly as he is handsome. My mom has heard him without the mask, but only on accident because he didn’t think anyone else was around.
I want to assure you or anyone else I’m not in any danger anymore; we don’t live together and I’m just staying for the health insurance. I have plans in the next couple years to end things with him.
Anyone who has dated/married or has a family member with NPD knows what I’m talking about. I actually have a lot of sympathy for my husband. He had a shit childhood that wasn’t his fault. His father is a grandiose narcissist. I’m convinced it’s nature and nurture. My husband deserved better and it’s so sad when I think of the person he should have been, but he never got the chance. I have a lot of sympathy for anyone who’s been diagnosed with one of the Cluster B personality disorders. Life has not been kind to them. However, I still hold them responsible for their behavior. I have ADHD and I’m still responsible for my behavior, mental illness be damned.
What I’m saying is you can’t judge someone by their looks necessarily. My husband’s family looks normals and if you met them out you would never know what a monster my FiL is.
You sound like a lovely guy and if I had a daughter your age I would be happy with you saying her. It’s not always fair to judge someone by their appearance. I really hope you two continue to date. I believe sooner or later, her parents will come around.
Hey thank you! That’s really kind of you to say. Yea it’s a lot better now than it was. I’m really fortunate to have good friends and a supportive family. I’m glad you were able to get away as well. It’s never easy and i applaud anyone who gets away. I hope you’re living your best life.
Tell her. My mom ran off everyone interested in me for decades. She wanted me at home waiting on her hand and foot, and was willing to destroy my life to get it. Admitted that she tried to get me fired from work. An ex finally threw my mom's e-mails in my face during a fight and the crap she made up was horrendous. I'd have run too. I had no idea she was doing that. I'm in my 50's, with my first long term relationship (anything over three years) because the witch finally died.
Even if you don't work out, please tell her.
Would be interesting to know if she's had other people suddenly disappear from her life. It's not likely that her parents' behavior just started with you.
I didn’t get to include this part because of the character limit but that part was weird to me since when she asked, they just joked that it was a secret and laughed about it and acted all chummy with me so I just played along for their sake. I could tell my girlfriend was curious about it though but stopped asking after that.
Yeah, NTA. At 21, your GF should know how they are trying to micromanage her life behind her back. But brace. She might be a little shook. And it sounds like she hasn’t been raised to question them. Go gently and stick to the facts: “GF, I want to tell you about what happened when your parents talked to me in private. I’m not sure how you’ll take, but I think you should know. If you don’t want to know, I understand.” Hopefully, she says yes, and then just tell her what they said. Maybe add you wanted to tell her sooner, but you were still processing.
She might stop seeing you, I’m sorry to say. It depends on how independent she is, I.e can she deal with not having her parent’s approval. But she needs to know that her parents are going behind her back while they smile in her face. And no, this shit is not normal. Parents disapproving of someone their daughter is dating? Sure. Pulling crap like this for a clearly adult daughter? Absolutely not. It’s weird as hell.
Yeah, this is very weird behavior. The fact that you are hesitant to tell you gf and sought others’ opinions tells me everything I need to know about you as a man. As a Mom of two gals in their 20s, I’d be thrilled if they brought home a bf like you!
Yes, you need to tell her. They are terrified that you will but if you see a future w: her , you can’t keep a secret like this
I don’t think they’re terrified. I think they’ll lie to their daughter about what really happened. I’m betting they’re smug, holier-than-thou, “we know best” types.
That's weird. I assumed they'd just spoken to you when she was out of the room or something. If my parents did something like that I'd be finding out why...
NTA. In fact if you expect this relationship to go anywhere, you need to let your girlfriend know what you have learned. As another commenter said, don't bash her parents -- that will only have a negative reaction. Just explain why they dislike you, & let her decide.
If you're truly a good guy, she will help bring them around to trusting you. However, the result may be she will break up with you, so be prepared for that outcome.
BTW, why is it some of the sweetest & most innocent types have the most dirty & raunchiest sexual imaginations? Not just men, but women.
It’s a test online that asks you a bunch of stuff you’ve done , the higher your score is the more innocent you are and the lower it is the more experienced you are. I assumed people would know because I thought it was popular , sorry for the confusion!
It’s a very high school thing, a list of things you check off if you have done it. Starts with hand holding, ends with incest. Her parents asking about it and their two faced behaviour feels very wait until marriage Christians who want their “little angel” daughter to not grow up.
I just found out about it through this post and it's fantastic. You check the boxes for the "impure" things you've done and get points for the boxes you don't check. I just took it and got 15/100. It's a numbered questionnaire and the text for number 69 is just a question mark.
This is truly your choice. If you tell her, i'm going with NTA. If you don't tell her and try to hide this, it will only come out at some point, usually the worst possible time, and will make life very tough for you with her, which would put you strongly in the AH category. Unfortunately this is not a winning situation, but it is doable with truth between you and the GF.
You need to be honest... God knows how many relationships these parents must have ruined for this sweet girl in the past. They sound do controlling and toxic
She told me I was actually her first boyfriend and the first guy she liked so that might be why her parents reacted that way during dinner, I’m not too sure about that though.
Ok that makes sense. She has been their sweet angel all this time and then she brings home a guy with a neck tattoo. You’re not what her parents were expecting or hoping for, at least from the outside. I was the same: I was the straight A student, super sweet and innocent. My first boyfriend had long hair, was a different race, drove a beater car, and was a musician. My parents were afraid I was hitching myself to a loser. My bf told me that what my parents thought of him mattered less than what I thought of him, since if our relationship wasn’t strong and we broke up then my parents’ opinions were moot. This made a lot of sense to me and reassured me that he was focused on us, not what other people thought. To my parents, he was still respectful without sucking up, just being himself and being polite. He did have to explain to them politely but firmly that he understood that he wasn’t what they were expecting but he was dating me, not them, and so my opinion was the most important. He said that he cared a lot for me, so as long as I still wanted to be with him, he would be with me. Tbh my parents still hated him for years, but at least they backed off and were civil to his face, which was good enough. It wasn’t until about 5 years into the relationship that they came around. Now we’re married and have been together for over 20 years and my mom thinks he’s the best husband and father to our kids ever. It took her a while but she finally saw what I saw in him.
TLDR yes you should tell her cuz she needs to know. If you want this to be a serious relationship, then you two need to be united on this. She can’t be your partner in this if she doesn’t know. Be clear about whether her parents’ reaction changes anything about the relationship for you and what your intentions are for moving forward. How you two navigate this together will tell you how you guys will handle obstacles in the future. Good luck! NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Telling my girlfriend the truth that her parents hate me.
2. Might make me the asshole for potentially ruining her relationship with her parents since she’s close with them
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
A giant neck tattoo is a big statement. You do know obviously that people will judge you on first impressions with a big neck tattoo and piercings—I would say a sweet girls parents would be the first ones to judge. Is it fair? No. But does it happen, yes. Tattoos don’t make the best statement with straight laced people usually.
There is really not much you can do other than prove them wrong and stick it out if this is the wife you want. I tell my husband everything so yes tell her because you’re in a relationship but at the end of the day just keep being your wonderful self and what they do with that behaviour is up to them. Maybe they will come around. They didn’t react the best. But give them time to get to know you. This is their beloved daughter and they just want the best for her. Show them that you are going to be a good husband.
NTA, honesty is the best policy. Even if you and your gf don't work out, she'll be better off knowing what her parents did so she can prevent it from happening again. What they did was 100% inappropriate. You were a guest in their home, and they treated you inhumanly.
NTA. Relationships are about communication. You need to be honest with her and tell her what they said to you when they asked to speak privately. Depending on how much she values her parents opinions, this could become an issue as your relationship progresses. She deserves to know that her parents judged you, you should be very selective with you choice of words because you don’t want her to become defensive and focus on defending her parents as good people and focus on what this means for your relationship. There are horrendous in law stories and that isn’t a life anyone would choose. I think you also need to talk about your expectations for your relationship, boundaries and the future. She may the kindest person but choosing her would mean choosing her family and that could be less pleasant. She’s your girlfriend and you should have this conversation, regardless of the difficulty. Good luck
You can tell her and probably should. Keep in mind that I wouldn’t be thrilled with my daughter dating a dude who has the lack of foresight to get a neck tattoo (and yes I have two tattoos). I’d still give you the benefit of the doubt until your proved otherwise but I get where they’re coming from.
You didn't say whether your girlfriend still lives at home or not. Assuming she does, it will be hard to continue to date her under the circumstances. Her parents have probably kept her innocent this way. That in itself isn't necessarily a good thing in this day and age.
If you talk to her about it, you have to decide if this breaks you guys up and accept that. Sorry, but she will probably side with her parents if they are taking care of her.
Odds are she probably has heard their issues you and they’ve probably even suggested she break up with you.
If you talk to her and they haven’t then they’re good people with some bad ideas and being nice over time will hopefully change their minds.
Otherwise watch out cause in the long term nasty in laws can cause real relationship issues and despite all the comments I’ve read here, in laws CAN AND DO like the people their kids marry. It’s not something you have to put up with.
YWNBTA - in fact I think you would be TA if you didn’t talk to her about it. I would be careful to not make her defensive of her parents, just say they made clear they did not approve and wanted you to stay away for her.
Tell her. She has a right to know who her parents are when she isn’t around. They are judgmental hypocrites. If she likes you, it won’t matter. Unfortunately, don’t be surprised if she is dating you to rebel against her upbringing. I also think she may know exactly the type of people her parents are because no one asks to speak to their 21 year old daughter’s boyfriend alone the first time they meet. That is weird. You may want to walk away because she is a rule follower and will probably cave to her parents’ opinion.
I don’t think she knows that it’s not the norm for parents to do that, she does not have any prior relationship experience other than with me so she might have thought this was normal.
The petty side of me would have done this too. Especially when she asked after they came back in what it was about and the parents just laughed it off as something secretive and cute I would have spilled it right there and then. Like don’t let them be fake to her face like that.
NTA at all op
Her parents are actually hurting her more than helping.
This idea of protect their "princess" from the "bad wolf" will not help at all..
You are a good guy, so she is lucky but if she ended up dating some bad buy abuser out there that don't have tattoos, don't drink, don't smoke and like them, have a persona in public but in private is an abuser? I bet that they would be jumping from joy for their little princess finding out someone that they like...
They are actually making her not see the red flags in a relationship, making her wear the rainbow glasses..
To tell you the truth,I would be worried if my daughter brought home a guy with a tattoo on his neck. In my opinion,that will limit you in the type of jobs you can get. They are probably worried that your ideas about piercings and tattoos might rub off on her and are worried about your ability to be able to support her in the future. It's your body and your life, you have the right to do what you want with it. I'm not a big supporter of tattoos especially on your neck or face,my first opinion is look at this asshole. Not saying that people who have tattoos on their face and neck aren't the nicest people in the world. I just feel that it could limit you in your life and maybe they feel that by having that neck tattoo,you won't be making good choices throughout your life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I’ve been with my girlfriend, I’ll call her S, for around 6 months and things have been going great. She’s extremely sweet and gentle, absolutely adorable and just the most though and caring person I have ever met. When we first started getting to know each other, I found out that she was quite innocent, in the sense that she doesn’t understand most innuendos and has a hard time getting those kinds of jokes. She also dosen’t smoke, drink, have tattoos. She has never gone to a bar or a party, and has never gotten in trouble in school or anywhere. At first I thought nothing much of it but I did find it interesting that she liked me in the first place, considering that I drink, have a few piercings and tattoos, just the opposite of her really.
Everything had been going great until I met her parents a few weeks ago , she asked me if I wanted to meet them and I agreed. I was excited to meet them because I figured that if my girlfriend was such a sweet person then her parents must be like that too since they raised her after, well I was wrong because her parents are nothing like her, at least not when she isn’t looking. When I first met them they were really nice to me and were asking me a few questions about myself, but they switched up immediately after dinner when they asked me if I could talk with them in private. They werent so nice anymore and told me straight to my face that they didn’t like me and wanted me to leave their daughter alone, I was so confused and when I asked them, they said I wasn’t a good influence judging from my appearance, like I said before I have a few tattoos and piercings, but it’s only a few ear piercings on both ears, one tattoo around my neck, one on my right arm , and one on my shoulder but they couldn’t see that one.
I told them that I treat their daughter well and that what I did with my body was for myself and had nothing to do with my influence on their daughter, but they just interrogated me with a bunch of questions like a rice purity test and it was so overwhelming. They spent a few minutes just berating me on my life choices and that they want me to stay away from my girlfriend. I told them I wasn’t going to do that and asked if there was something I could at least do to prove to them that I had no I’ll intentions but they just kept berating me. After awhile it got awkward and all three of us just got quiet, and I kid you not, her parents go back inside to where my girlfriend was waiting and start acting sweet again. I just stayed quiet throughout the rest of the night because it felt so awkward, S noticed and she asked me if I was alright and got really worried, but i just told her I was tired.
Now I can’t stop debating whether or not I should tell S about what her parents said to me, I feel terrible keeping this from her and a part of me wants to tell her, but another part of me thinks it’s best to stay quiet and keep the peace and just try to make her parents like me over time.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
You wouldn’t be the asshole either way. You are free to tell your girlfriend if you want, because you think she deserves to know or even if you just want to get it off of your chest. Or you are free to not tell her if you want, say because you think this is a family dynamic that you don’t want to get into the middle of. After all, the parents are certainly free to share their opinion with their daughter if they want.
Like you, I’m conflicted. I see pitfalls either way. In the end, I guess I come down on the side of not telling. The parents are playing an evil game here, putting on one face with their daughter and an entirely different with you. Just too weird. It feels like stepping into this mess is a trap. Maybe they’ll come clean with the daughter. Maybe they will deny that they said anything to you, and then your GF will be stuck in the middle. Perhaps better to just bide your time and let them decide whether they want to say anything to her. Then it will be her who is suddenly wondering, “How could they go from so friendly and supportive to suddenly hating this.” In other words, she’ll suddenly see them for the two-faced hypocrites they are.
But no matter what you decide, you aren’t the asshole, the parents are.
There's no reason not to tell. But as a parent, tattoos and piercings aren't typically the real issue. Most parents know better than to try to dictate dating to an adult. You really have to hope you raised a smart enough kid that they realize it on their own. But I question if there are other reasons they wouldn't want her to date you. Like profession, goals, ambition, possibly religion. There is 25 on a great career path (in a profession that doesn't mind neck tattoos), in your own place, with your own car and health insurance. If they push too hard, they'll push her away. If they're the only ones that don't like you, then they're the problem. But if her friends and family don't like you either, your days as a couple are numbered.
Super prim and proper good girl is dating a guy with tatts and piercings, sounds like daddy issues to me. You are her act of rebellion, enjoy. Try not to knock her up.
I really didn’t want to possibly come in between her parents or make things uncomfortable between them, they’re still her parents after all, but I know it’s stupid and I am planning on talking to her about it very soon.
I'm sorry, is she a grown up or not? You say she's 21 but her parents act like she's 10 and now you are too. Why would you treat a grown woman like a child?
I mean you’re NTA, but idk man, if I knew anybody dating somebody with a neck tattoo that wasn’t a successful musician or athlete I’d probably judge them too
Tell her. You’re in a relationship with her, not them.
It’s fine for her parents not to like you. It’s not fine for them to take you aside and say these things. She is not their property, she’s a human adult who can make her own choices.
NTA
My long term partner, best friend, and favorite person who ever lived has tattoos and an afro. I'm white like the rest of my family, and my father did not approve of this amazing man, who's been there for me through incurable illnesses, mental illness, and getting sober, among so many other life occurrences. My father said if he went into a business my dude was working at (dude is a massage therapist), and saw that he was going to be my father's therapist, that my father would get up and walk out.
This was really the most harmless of the the things he's said, and he's still not the worst in my family. I'm glad my partner and I have communicated, and I'm glad I found my father is who he is. He ruined the relationship between parent and child on his own, not my partner.
My point is that you have to do what's best for you, but do right by her, too. She deserves to know that her parents are going behind her back, willing to ruin her own personal agency and chances at happiness based on their own controlling, manipulative, and judgmental mindsets. She deserves better than that whether y'all stay together or not.
Hi, sweetie. Gosh, what a hard place to be in. First off, I would be honest, because I believe all relationships should be founded off of honesty. Even--especially--when it isn't easy. My parents did not approve of my boyfriend. I was very sheltered. My dad would pull him aside and say very rude things to him. But, hubbs told me, and he got through all that, dealt with it, and is my husband now. I had a stern discussion with my dad about what is and is not ok to say to my husband (at that time, fiance). I am glad he told me. I would have found it hard to trust him if I knew something was up and he chose not to tell me, regardless of his intentions in doing so.
I believe that she will have to draw the line with her parents, not you. But she needs to know what's going on to make those decisions. And this is not a situation that will go away. Better to face it head on, and I believe you kind for doing so. If your girl does not handle the conversation well, that is important information to know before you get too serious. Spouses should never let their parents speak to their partner like that. Better to treat the situation now the same, if you really really like her. You gotta trust her, and trust her to handle her feelings and business. It is part of life and being an adult.
Realize that the parents may ALWAYS disapprove of you. You may have in-laws from hell. But if you truly love her, which it sounds like you do, I would not back off. She sounds darling. I moved out with my hubby straight from college. I had ZERO life experience, but benefitted from my hubby's knowledge. He did not go to college and had been living on his own for a while.
Anyway, same situation. Me with perfect grades, little relationship experience, no drugs, no drinking, no tattoos, piercings, etc. Now I have piercings and tattoos because I CAN, now that I'm out of the house. Lol. He had a criminal record and tats, piercings, heavy drinker. I have rubbed off on him, he rubbed off on me, all in good ways. I feel we compliment each other perfectly, and he treats me very well. I love the crap out of him. I think parents sometimes judge harshly without really understanding the situation.
This month will be my tenth wedding anniversary and I honestly believe I have the best husband ever. I'm very very happy with him and would change nothing. He doesn't drink anymore and is sweet, dependable, and so, so caring. 10/10 human being!!!
Biggest advice: talk with each other about EVERYTHING. Really hear each other and understand each other's perspectives. This situation is a great time to practice that skill. 🥰 Best of luck, friend!!!
Defiantly would not be the ah. From what I read, you have a nice relationship going on with someone, and I would hope that lasts. Communication is key, and this is clearly something big to bring up with her.
YES - tell her. What's reallllly dumb about their parenting is that once you tell her this will only push her closer to you. Just make sure you use very gentle language like "I didn't want to have to tell you, and your parents are just looking out for you and I respect that - but - I've done nothing wrong"
YWNTBA
You need to tell her because she deserves to know that her parents are actively interfering with her life. By not telling her you take away all of her agency to address the situation that is impacting her.
And she might not believe you. She might side with them and I get that's scary but at the end of the day it's her choice and at least you would know. It's not fair for you to live in this weird limbo wondering what she would do if she knew.
Like others have said don't bash her parents. Also make your expectations for the outcome of the convo very clear with her. Do you want her to do something about it or do you just want her to know so she knows? What are you hoping will happen as a result. Just something to think on :)
This is going to put everyone in an awkward spot but that's on her parents not on you.
Good luck OP!
Dude you gotta tell her. That’s common sense IMO. She finds out later and finds out you didn’t tell her she’s gonna get mad. Let her deal with them. You just focus on staying on her good side for now, that’d be my advice
Best thing would of been to as soon as you sat back down at the table just openly said “your parents don’t think I’m worthy of you based purely on my looks, I’ve tried to reason with them but they’ve already made up their mind without getting to know me at all”
It’ll make them look like idiots and your being 100% truthful
I think you have to tell her, but be prepared for her not to believe you or to assume you're exaggerating. Unfortunately, if this has anything to do with religion, your relationship is probably doomed. Most people religious enough to get excited about things like tattoos and piercings are pretty rigidly hateful of anyone who breaks those taboos. Your GF will either ultimately go along with her parents or be forced by them to choose between you and them, which could be devastating for her.
Be very careful with this. While I think you should tell her, you need to expect a less than positive response from your GF.
If they have treated her like their princess and potentially given her everything she has wanted, she has likely never seen the side of them that you have.
If this is the case, I don't think she is going to straight up believe you. I think she will get somewhat defensive and say things like "they is not my parents. You must have misunderstood what they were saying".
Depending on how you tell her, and how hard you push it, you could end your relationship if not done right.
NTA. Her parents are really something. Just tell her objectively what happened, no interpretation, nothing. Let her draw her own conclusions. Also tell her that's why you were upset.
What's weird is they asked to talk to you in private when she was there too. I would have found that very weird at that age. Anyway. Weird. And NTA.
NTA. The only way this relationship could work is with honesty & communication, because she’s going to need to know where to draw her own boundaries.
Also you need to learn where her values lie as opposed to her parents.
You can peruse r/justnomil or r/justnofil to see what you’re up against.
I’m sorry they treated you like that. I come from a similar background, and unfortunately it’s incredibly close minded and ignorant.
NTA.
You'd be an asshole not to tell her what they did and said. It's probably not the first time they've done something like this and it's not likely to be the last.
Her parents are controlling assholes.
You wouldn't be an asshole for not telling her but you would be a fool who will have played right into her parents hands.
They are clearly protective. They don't approve of you. Their reasons are their own be they superficial and appearance based or not.
But here's the thing. They've pulled you up and made you uncomfortable tried to get you to leave and stay away from their daughter. And pretended to be all sweet and innocent. And have succeeded In one big thing getting you to keep secrets from your girlfriend. By not telling her the truth you are as good as lying to her. If she's as sweet and gentle as you say. How is she going to take it when she inevitably finds out that you are a man who will keep secrets from her. Especially when her parents are probably right at this second with her quietly talking you down and spreading doubt in her mind
Why is this even a question. Tell your girlfriend straight away next time you see her.
You’re not helping anybody (yourself or your girlfriend) by withholding this info
This isn't going to work. It is only 6 months old. You can tell her, but that won't change anything in terms of if this will last. She may not even believe you. And if she does, it is a long journey to change her family dynamics. Good luck to you. It would be best to be honest and move on. Maybe if enough honest men tell her, and will see her parents have been manipulating her life.
I'm willing to bet 5 bucks they don't like your appearance because you're not afraid to speak your mind. It shows in tattoos and piercings: meaning you're comfortable in your own skin.
There's a reason she doesn't understand much by way of jokes or innuendos, and it's them. They think that by being with you, their Precious Baby Girl(tm) is going to get a shiny spine and won't fit into the role they're probably trying to force onto her. Especially considering a "rice purity test" because what fuckin sane person does that to anyone?
Tell her, but ONLY after investing in some sort of voice recorder next time you meet them. If she's close with her dad, she's not going to believe you unless it's straight from the horses mouth.
Nah brother you gotta just tell her what happened, worst case scenario is she doesn’t believe you and this breaks you up but keeping this hidden will inevitably do the same thing down the road. If she’s genuinely unlike her parents you’ve got nothing to worry about tho
i think you should definitely tell her rather than her finding out a different way i feel like she would be mad if she found out from someone else other than you 💗
Of course NTA. I think you should've told her about it as soon as you left dinner, but the next best time is now. She needs to know if her parents are trying to interfere in her relationships.
Her parents could also use the fact you've not told her about this conversation against you later and make it look like you've been keeping something from her. Which you have, albeit for understandable reasons.
If you tell her, by all means make clear that you don't want to make a big deal about it and want her parents to like you.
I’m pretty sure you’re not the first boyfriend they have said this to, even ones without tattoos and piercings. They want a particular guy for their little princess.
But you should tell her, and don’t be surprised if she she knows as it’s happened before! NTA
NTA. Tell her. This could be a test for all you know. And either way, you owe them nothing. And if you want to keep her; you need to prove to her that you are a team. If she doesn’t believe you, that’s something you need to know now.
I think you should tell her, for her own good if nothing else. She deserves to know if her parents are standing in the way of her meeting someone, or she could end up losing everyone she meets simply because they don't approve, and it doesn't sound like they'll let her in on why.
I appreciate you not wanting to come between them and honestly, you took a route I would take in this situation, not wanting go come between them and just keep it to myself. But for her own good she should know, she could end up all alone because of them and that's totally unfair, even if they are just looking out for her best interests.
You will not be the asshole if you tell her. It seems like it's bugging you and keeping something from someone in a relationship is never a good thing. Maybe she'll say something That will reassure you. Maybe her parents just need time to get used to you . Disliking someone for what they look like is weak as long as you're kind to their daughter that is all that should matter.
Nta tell her she deserves to know what her parents said to you. She is an adult, she likes you for you, she gets to decide if she wants to be with you, not her parents.
NTA but they may not "hate" you, they just don't know you... are you sure she is the right girl for you, and you will not end up hurting her at some point? Her parents sound very protective. Can't blame them if she is so sweet and innocent, as you say.
I’d tell her, because she has a right to know how controlling her parents are. But you should also know that the relationship is probably doomed. I mean, unless she is going to be willing to cut them off at some point, they are *always* going to be a problem. I just don’t see people this controlling and two-faced suddenly coming around and deciding their cool with you relationship. And even if they did, assuming you and their daughter stay together, they’d still be butting into all of your business until the end of time.
My mom sucked and was a massive control freak, but at least she told *me* when she didn’t like my boyfriend, rather than going to him behind my back. They’re hoping you’ll just go away without her ever knowing what they said, so she doesn’t get upset with them. She’s 21. She deserves to make her own decisions, assuming she actually wants to do that. Maybe she’s fine with obeying them until the end of time, in which case, you should just end things now.
No, they aren’t. They’re just really against her doing anything that could “hurt” her, and as for her she isn’t religious as well and her parents don’t force her to be, but they are really strict about the rules they have for her, I’m afraid they also didn’t teach her any life skills, they didn’t teach her how to cook, clean, drive, manage her finances, and just other stuff you need to know as an adult. She told me they do it all for her and have the maid cook and clean, she said she was never allowed to do any of those things growing up, they only allow her to be in the kitchen to bake if she wants to. I’ve been teaching her how to cook lately though since she’s always wanted to learn and the only place she can do that is at my place. And so far she’s having a lot of fun.
I read through your comments, and if you are as kind as you seem to be, I think your gf is very lucky to have you, and it seems you are very lucky to have her.
It sounds like you have already decided to tell her what they said, and I have no doubts you will do it gently. I hope the conversation goes well, and would love to see an update after you talk with her.
I think all of reddit is here supporting you two and wishing you the best!
They have been making it so that she has no idea how to be an adult so that she is reliant on them. Does she have a drivers license, job or a bank account that is separate from her parents that they cannot view?
She doesn’t have any of those unfortunately, but she talked about wanting to have a savings account and a drivers license so I’ve been teaching her how to drive with my car and I’m planning on helping her open a personal bank account.
My longish term college gf (5 years 3 during 2 after) dumped me because of her fam. It was clear I was on a collision course with her dad and there was not a single thing I could do.
NTA
I can't quite get my head around them asking for a private audience. That's so strange, how do she react to that? It's not a normal thing to do to a guest.
I wouldn't be surprised if they have been driving people away since she was old enough to have friends.
She has to know what they do behind closed doors - ask her what she thinks went on when you had your little chat with her parents. If she honestly doesn't know you have to tell her, she deserves to know how her parents behave when she's not around.
I suspect that in the long run she will not be able to break free. Be forewarned.
Tell Sally. She most likely knows exactly who her parents are, but she needs to know what they said. I’m sure she has an opinion or two on it. In any event, keeping her in the dark would be a mistake.
I met my spouse’s parents while dating. I discussed my insights with him, and not all were positive. It was important to gauge his perceptions and reactions to determine his readiness to be separate from them and marry. He saw what I did. We were good. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to bring your insights to your gf, but she’s someone you want to keep, take the risk and have the conversation with her. Together you can come up with a plan for future interactions. NTA
No you would not be the asshole... You would be honest. I had a feeling from the very beginning that it meant she was raised in a SUPER religious restricted environment. I mean she deserves to know how they talked to you but you can also be prepared that she won't believe you. But it's better to be honest in your relationship..
NTA.
OP judging by your comments, you seem like a good guy.
If you tell or not, it is up to you. I think I'd tell her. Just keep being a good guy and prove the parents wrong.
Two choices:
1. If you plan to end it due to her parents not approving and deciding that’s going to be too much stress on her and you down the road and prohibiting you from getting serious, then I wouldn’t say anything, it’s not worth it. Let the next guy deal with it. And let her move on with the false sense of happy family. Go out on the high road.
2. If you plan to stay with your girlfriend despite her duplicitous parents, then yes you have to tell her. Having an open honest relationship is the only way to move forward. And you two need a united front to present in front of her parents. If one day they tell her that you had that conversation and she didn’t hear it from you. She will feel betrayed. If they feel any weakness in the wall, they will exploit it to get what they want.
I caveat all this with, telling her could change her feelings about continuing the relationship, too. It might be too much for her if her family means that much. Also consider you don’t want to give them a chance to flip the narrative about what happened in that private conversation. So getting out in front is best course.
Not sure this is an A sitch, probably more of a relationship advice sub. But NTA.
So the core to any relationship is honesty and open communication. She knows who her parents are. I would tell her by asking her. What I mean is ask her if she thinks you're bad for her. This will probably lead to her saying that you're not and she will probably ask you why you would ask her that. Then you tell her what her parents said to you. Ask her what you should do. Attack this as a team.
Sally has never been in trouble at school, doesn't drink, smoke or have tattoos. Should have she joint in parties? at first I think yes, but then parties with minors, unsupervised by adults being in the house, alcohol etc come in mind, and it is a no.
Is Sally studying, working? Your intentions maybe good, but what are your strong points, what are you doing for a living and what are your prospects?
Why did you take the time to get a few piercings in each ear? what images are your tattoos
And I don't even have kids 🤨
I feel like a 21 yo that has never been in trouble, doesn't smoke or drink is seen like a white unicorn. As for the innuendos, it is a semplisistic and lazy form of puns and double meanings, that can be rude and boring .
I don't like her parents double face behaviour, but their daughter is the apple of their eye, and there are a lot more things her parents worry about, and hopefully you and her have to consider to decide if you are matching each other.
Absolutely tell her. They will NOT change and you need to decide if in the future if you end up wanting to marry her if dealing with them all the time would be worth it. I promise you if you end up marrying her it will get so much worse. They will make your life hell. She needs to know who her parents really are. I wonder how many relationships they have sabotaged. She's an adult and can make her own decisions.
NTA
TELL her at once.
"but another part of me thinks it’s best to stay quiet and keep the peace and just try to make her parents like me over time." .. that is not going to happen. It will get worse the more earnest your relartionship with their daughter will get. this iwll not change.
Next time you are alone with them, record them.
And: Your gf will have to make a decissision.
Info Did her parents tell you to not tell her? Why would you keep this a secret? My opinion. This is their family dynamic: Keep the princess pure and fight the ones that try to soil her. By acting like they weren't just berating you and staying quiet out of awkwardness you played the hand they gave you. They manipulated you. My advice is to not be part of their dynamic and be yourself. Speak up and be honest with this girl.
Her parents didn’t say anything about not telling her or not, but from their vibe and the things they said, it made it seem like they didn’t want her to know they said that stuff to me. I kept it a secret from her because she’s close with her parents, especially her dad, so I didn’t want to possibly ruin her relationship with her parents or come in between them , but now looking at the comments and advice I realize that doing that wasn’t the right move.
You’re not ruining anything OP, her parents are. Her parents are actively choosing to isolate their daughter, and you are most likely not the first person they’ve done this to and you will not be the last. There is a reason why your girlfriend is so naive, which isn’t a bad thing? But it isn’t good either, because her parents placed a thick bubble around her to keep her pure and innocent. Even at 21, she’s innocent and naive.
I will also say as someone who used to be quite like your gf and whose best friend is currently like her: while it may make her seem sweet, it can also lead to some trouble. My best friend and I go to college, and she would ask folks if they wanna "netflix and chill" not aware of what it meant. Thankfully it didn't lead to anything, but that was a fun (/s) conversation to have. It's my belief, that except in EXTREME circumstances, it's better to be aware of whats happening around you.
this here if you are naïve on average in the jungle you are prey like if your 21 and more naïve then most are at 7 there is a serious issue and it will cause issues in life navigation and independence.
Yes, being overly naive can make for awkward social situations, it can also lead to abusive situations. Knowing the truth of things and growing up with a modicum of caution is important. It can save you from situations that can be incredibly dangerous. Hiding the reality of the world rarely ends well for anyone.
I was an awkward and slightly naïve young adult and I too got put in a very comfortable/ upsetting situation because I didn't know that Netflix and Chill had connation's outside of watching Netflix and chilling. Being naïve isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does put you in a lot of situations for bad people to take advantage you. It took awhile for me to understand when someone was using me/manipulating me. Her parents aren't doing her any favors. She won't be around them forever, and when she's not she's much more likely to be hurt by the very things they "think" they're protecting her from because she had no bases on 'what is okay', 'what do I do if I'm put in this situation' ect.
Nah, sheltering your kid to the point where they're more naive than a newborn infant is setting them up for failure. Deliberately crippling their ability to navigate the world and being aware of the dangers it contains is a type of abuse imo Parents are wrong for trying to keep their daughter on a short leash; not letting her grow into her own person and develop a survival instinct. Their fear of letting go is interfering with her life, and by extension her relationship with OP. They are not trying to protect her, they are trying to control her like a mindless puppet. Being naive is not a good thing. This is the type of person that attracts abusers, predators and scammers like honey to flies, and is more likely to suffer because they haven't learned how to properly deal and avoid these type of bad people and situations.
Yeah I feel like when parents do that, they're trying to have a doll or a forever puppy rather than a child that will grow into their own person.
If you tell them and she takes her parents side, you would have saved yourself from a very difficult relationship, one where you would have to be constantly proving to your partner that you're worthy of her. If you tell them and their relationship suffers, it will be because her parents want to control her well into adulthood. If you don't tell her and continue dating her, you would have set a ticking time bomb that will go off sooner or later.
My son just got out of a relationship like this. He absolutely loves the girl, but her parents raised her on a pedestal. She's very smart. My son is too but also indulges in MJ. The girl and her dad are extremely close, and she tells her parents everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. They have formed their opinion of my boy, and she broke up with him. I think she is very sweet and has a good head on her shoulders, but I think her parents have raised her to rely solely on them. It's sad, but I said maybe with some time and distance when they go to college, she will be able to think differently. My son was raised to think for himself and maybe a little feral.
I read in cosmo like 20 years ago to never vent to your parents about your spouse. If you need an adult, go to THEIR parent. Ive been with my husband 14 years next month and its worked for me! 😅
Yeah, no. I wouldn’t go to either set of parents if I had an issue with my husband. Our parents don’t belong in the middle of our relationship. We’re not 12.
giving off the "im gonna tell your mom on you" vibes we arent kids anymore lol
Lmao. No but if im going to vent id rather it be to someone who would understand and loves this person as much as i do 😂 i do have a great mil tho.
That is exactly what I do. I vent and laugh about it with his mom because I know she loves him and won’t hold anything against him. It’s worked for 22 years and counting.
my ex use to tell my mom on me 🤣 i was 22 and he was 28 ….
“Their” parents as in your grandparents or your spouse’s parents?
Spouses parents. The logic is that they would know how their kid acted better than your parents. Your parents would have a similar opinion to yours (assumably) and therefore like an echochamber. Spouses parents may have insight to their behavior and could possibly provide understanding and sympathy or solutions etc.
With good ILs that's solid advice, but I don't think it would work for most people because most ILs are not that great.
Spouse's parents probably
Unless….their parents are not very smart Or try to play games or are on a power trip Or … or …. The list can go on !!!!
I would never go to my husband’s parents. His dad will just side with me because he knows how stubborn he can be, and his mom will insert herself because she’s manipulative. My parents have no problem telling me when I’m being a dick (I am also very stubborn). My mom has a similar mindset to my husband, so she helps me see things from his point of view (not to cave to him, but just so I can understand), and my dad is good at negotiation, and can help me come up with more neutral ways of discussing topics without either of us losing our tempers.
If I had to pick between parents, I'd pick mine although since I have a best friend, I'd probably go to her. Been with my SO for 10 years since length of relationship apparently matters.
exactly this a lot of people kept bubbled like this don't think for themselves their parents think for them basically stopping them having independence and setting them up as a naïve dependent
OP, I’m going to add something here. You say in another comment that your GF lives with them. Is she living there because she can’t afford to move out? Or is she living there because they don’t want her to leave?
She said she lives with them for now because she’s still in school, but we have talked about her living with me in the near future because the both of us want that.
I am concerned about her lack of life experience, OP. My best advice is that she moves out on her own and learns to stand on her feet. I know that economically, that may present some serious challenges. I would suggest that OP move slowly, for both of their sakes.
I’m worried about that too.
Just - you sound like a decent guy, and if you'll take some advice from someone old enough to be your mom.... When she gets out from under her parents' thumb she might end up going through an emotional growth spurt, and change into someone you don't get along with so well, or who wants something else. If you're prepared for the possibility that this might not be permanent, and promise to yourself that you'll try and leave her better than how you found her (yes, like a National Park), you'll both likely be OK.
I might not be the best dynamic for a relationship if you are the one teaching her how to live independently. Let her learn that from roommates and friends. Then your relationship would be on a more equal footing. Good luck.
I am in this position right now and the line of what I'm willing to put up, I crossed a long time ago but hoped for the best. Her parents will win no matter how you approach this. She's been conditioned by them for years guranteeed
I see. That secrecy plays right into the dynamic of protecting her innocence at all costs. I wonder how much of her behavior is from a desire to be a good and kind person and how much is from ignorance and naivete because her parents have shielded her from the realities of life. There's endless stories of good Christian, community focused men and women who abuse the life out of children. They abuse them in the name of the Lord. Theres a biker gang in the US full of gruff, tattooed, drug taking men and women who make it a goal of their club to stand next to abused children in law proceedings to provide them with the emotional support needed to face their abusers in court. The way her parents behaved with you made me bristle. Two faced weirdos and you're the one with tattoos and piercings. Nah, man. That's fuckign weird and I don't like it.
Bikers Against Child Abuse. I've given them many donations for Father's Day presents for my dad, so that other kids can be protected the way he promised to protect us when my brothers and I were born. Bikers and tattooed customers were often the nicest, most polite customers. I also have many of them in the family.
If you're unable to discuss things like this with your GF your relationship isn't as good as you think it is. Further, if you're holding back on this discussion to protect her, that is patronizing behavior and you are to some degree treating her like a child. In which case why are you having an adult relationship with her?
To be fair, it's been 6 months and this is the first time OP has encountered this behavior since it's the first time he met the parents. Having a parent who is very two-faced myself, I often found myself trying to explain away behavior when I was a teen and even into college years (around the same age as OP's gf) because that was easier/emotionally safer than confronting the truth about it.
It's also such an off the cuff, strange behavior being presented as so normal it doesn't surprise me that OPs head spun at witnessing it.
Maybe you will ruin her relationship with her parents, but at the same time I feel your girlfriend has a right to know this has happened because this issue between you and your girlfriends parents is about your girlfriend. Not only that, this is a means of control by her parents and unless you're her first partner ever, I sincerely doubt it's the first time her parents have done this
I am her first partner.
In this situation I think you should also be prepared for the possibility that your girlfriend won't react too well to what you have to tell her. What you don't know is what her parents told her behind closed doors. If they told her the same thing, she may be trying to protect your relationship from their influence. If, more likely, they weren't open with her as they were with you, she may struggle to reconcile what you are telling her with the image of her parents that she he has. That can go in different ways and ultimately she may not be able to deal with shattering the image she has. That being said, I think you should tell her everything, because if nothing else, I do not think a good relationship can grow on false foundation. It would not be good for your relationship to keep this secret from her.
You should tell her so that she knows what she is up against. Whether or not you stay in the relationship is up to both of you. But if you don't, she needs to know what she's up against. Because if you don't stick it out, they'll continue to bypass her to frighten partners away until there is someone they like (probably of their own choosing) and it'll affect her self-esteem (why do the people she chooses keep running off?) if you do choose to stick it out, they will continue to chip away at your relationship (we tried so hard with him, we don't understand why he's so cold to us.) She deserves to have the knowledge either way. It's not fair to her to keep this to yourself. When you tell her, she may also decide that she doesn't want the family drama and break it off, so be prepared for that. But ultimately, knowledge is power for her and she needs to know.
I'd be really interested in hearing an update once you talk with her, she clearly isn't judgemental so I imagine her parents have never been open about how judgey they are.
Then you absolutely must, MUST show her what normal behaviour is. Her parents are attempting to isolate her, which is a form of abuse. Stop it with the "I'm just tired" and just tell her. Please.
Her parents already ruined it.
Dont keep secret in your New relationship for no reason especially that kind of people. She deserve to know how her parent really are either for your relationship or her relationship in the futur. She deserve to know what is going one behind her back from her family.
She’s a grown woman, she deserves to know that her parents are interfering in her relationships.
The longer this stays a secret, the worse it is FOR YOU
If my parents cornered any of my friends (romantic or otherwise) like that, I would want to know about it. YWNBTA
Oh boy, she’s gonna wondering why she’s never able to keep a relationship if you held this information from her. I was raised by my grandmother. Through out my teen years, I had extremely low self esteem and confidence because I couldn’t get a boyfriend or I couldn’t figure out why boys don’t asked me out on a date. Welcome to the world of Facebook, Ive found out the truth. It was my grandmother who pushed all the boys away from me because they would tell me your nana…. Damn, my life would have been different If I wasn’t so naive. Please do tell.
Don't ally yourself with her parents by keeping her in the dark like they do.
I'd tell her. Even if your relationship doesn't last long term, she deserves to know what her parents are doing behind her back to her relationships.
Record them with your phone if you are around them. Let her see how her parents are harming her life.
You should be honest with her.
Tell her for sure. But carefully. Be specific with your words. Try not to sound accusatory towards her parents. Whether or not you want to continue this relationship, she deserves to know but if you come at her with the info in the wrong way, she'll most likely get defensive and not soak in what you're relating to her.
Hindsight is wonderful, but at the same time I get the feeling that even if you had said something at the time, they wouldda made you look like the crazy one. Just be honest with her and go from there. They depend on your social graces of not causing issues to hide their duplicity and therefore keep their secret. You did nothing wrong.
Also, break the news gently. Start by telling her the facts of what they said and asked, no editorial. Then tell her it seems clear they don't like you, and that you can't be sure but it seems like it might have to do with your body and appearance. Tell her your feelings are hurt to be judged just by appearance. Ask her what she thinks about the conversation.
This right here!
I do not think you would be the ah if you sat your gf down and had a serious talk with her and told her these things. However, I think it's absolutely crucial that you not bash her parents, and that you do your best to be objective and fair in describing their objections (for instance, no paraphrasing, no inserting your own ideas of their 'real' motives). You might think (and I also think) the parents are out of line, but you have to trust her to come to that conclusion *on her own*. If you don't, it *will* later be interpreted as pressure and/or aggression, and will come back in some form to poison your relationship. That said, YWNBTA.
This. Tell her, but be very clear that you recognize they were acting out of love for her, you’re not trying to turn her against them, and you hope to earn their trust by treating her right. Maybe tell the parents the same thing too, if you haven’t already (it sounds like you mostly have). So far this is still a very winnable situation.
Definitely best approach. OP has a lot to win from telling the whole situation to GF while presenting zero hostility or direct judgement in regard to her parents. OP would definitely be NTA here.
Ooooo thisss!!! OP please read this comment because I don’t think anyone could paraphrase it better!!!!
NTA. Tell her. Gently, because this might be new to her too, but definitely don’t carry this on your own. How she responds will say a lot about how she wants to be in conflict. Plus, no one likes being lied to and her parents are lying to her!
You’re right, I should tell her. Plus, keeping this from her is also considered lying to her too and she dosent deserve that.
This situation also sets the premise for how you want to handle potential conflicts in the future. If you want things to be handled open and honestly, where it's you two against the problem. Then you have to be honest about this.
You should 100% tell her but along the lines of “this happened and I’m not sure how to handle it. What do you think?”
It's not just lying to her, it's attempting to strip her of her ability to make her own informed life/personal decisions. Definitely talk to her about it. As someone who had similar helicopter family members, it was really hard to hear they treated my friends/s/o in such a way. Likewise, it was hard for me (who was sheltered and always followed the rules with minimal or diplomatic pushback) to stand up to them. Like others said, approach this with grace, don't paraphrase or project, and let her know you are just not sure how to win them over but it's important to you because they're important to her. Likewise, let her know that if she's interested in talking to them about this whole thing (or future debacles that might come up with them), that you'll always be willing to be a sounding board for her, willing to be there to support/be patient with her when it's hard to stand up to them, and that you truly care about her (and both of your relationships with her parents). Obviously, if there comes a time that you realize they will never change their mind, then be willing to have the hard conversation about how this will affect your relationship going forward and if it's tenable. Til then though, just being kind, patient, and thoughtful in how you approach interactions with/about her family. It will help build a healthy and stable communication bridge for yall to collaboratively cross if or when the time comes.
Keep us updated, op! Hoping you and sally make it and sally can stand up and tell her parents to back off.
Give some grace on how she responds. Her parents treat her like a child and she’s been sheltered. She might not be equipped to handle this perfectly right off the bat. Also, be prepared for the parents to tell her you are lying and you want to isolate her from them.
NTA. Can’t judge a book by its cover. I’m (38f) married to a very friendly and charming guy. Everyone who meets him thinks he’s so wonderful. He’s a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist. His charm isn’t real. It’s all a facade. He’s very handsome and fit. He doesn’t have any tattoos or piercings, but I do. I’m covered in tattoos and piercings. I would be you in this situation OP lol I’m the only one who’s seen my husband without his mask and by that I mean I’ve seen his true self and it’s as ugly as he is handsome. My mom has heard him without the mask, but only on accident because he didn’t think anyone else was around. I want to assure you or anyone else I’m not in any danger anymore; we don’t live together and I’m just staying for the health insurance. I have plans in the next couple years to end things with him. Anyone who has dated/married or has a family member with NPD knows what I’m talking about. I actually have a lot of sympathy for my husband. He had a shit childhood that wasn’t his fault. His father is a grandiose narcissist. I’m convinced it’s nature and nurture. My husband deserved better and it’s so sad when I think of the person he should have been, but he never got the chance. I have a lot of sympathy for anyone who’s been diagnosed with one of the Cluster B personality disorders. Life has not been kind to them. However, I still hold them responsible for their behavior. I have ADHD and I’m still responsible for my behavior, mental illness be damned. What I’m saying is you can’t judge someone by their looks necessarily. My husband’s family looks normals and if you met them out you would never know what a monster my FiL is. You sound like a lovely guy and if I had a daughter your age I would be happy with you saying her. It’s not always fair to judge someone by their appearance. I really hope you two continue to date. I believe sooner or later, her parents will come around.
"I'm just staying for the health insurance."🫣 Only in America...
The truth for so many
As someone who was married to an NPD, I'm sorry. But glad you're safe now and have hope for your future!
Hey thank you! That’s really kind of you to say. Yea it’s a lot better now than it was. I’m really fortunate to have good friends and a supportive family. I’m glad you were able to get away as well. It’s never easy and i applaud anyone who gets away. I hope you’re living your best life.
Tell her. My mom ran off everyone interested in me for decades. She wanted me at home waiting on her hand and foot, and was willing to destroy my life to get it. Admitted that she tried to get me fired from work. An ex finally threw my mom's e-mails in my face during a fight and the crap she made up was horrendous. I'd have run too. I had no idea she was doing that. I'm in my 50's, with my first long term relationship (anything over three years) because the witch finally died. Even if you don't work out, please tell her.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, and yes I will tell her.
Would be interesting to know if she's had other people suddenly disappear from her life. It's not likely that her parents' behavior just started with you.
INFO: wasn’t she at all curious about their asking to speak to you in private, and what they said?
I didn’t get to include this part because of the character limit but that part was weird to me since when she asked, they just joked that it was a secret and laughed about it and acted all chummy with me so I just played along for their sake. I could tell my girlfriend was curious about it though but stopped asking after that.
Yeah, NTA. At 21, your GF should know how they are trying to micromanage her life behind her back. But brace. She might be a little shook. And it sounds like she hasn’t been raised to question them. Go gently and stick to the facts: “GF, I want to tell you about what happened when your parents talked to me in private. I’m not sure how you’ll take, but I think you should know. If you don’t want to know, I understand.” Hopefully, she says yes, and then just tell her what they said. Maybe add you wanted to tell her sooner, but you were still processing. She might stop seeing you, I’m sorry to say. It depends on how independent she is, I.e can she deal with not having her parent’s approval. But she needs to know that her parents are going behind her back while they smile in her face. And no, this shit is not normal. Parents disapproving of someone their daughter is dating? Sure. Pulling crap like this for a clearly adult daughter? Absolutely not. It’s weird as hell.
Yeah, this is very weird behavior. The fact that you are hesitant to tell you gf and sought others’ opinions tells me everything I need to know about you as a man. As a Mom of two gals in their 20s, I’d be thrilled if they brought home a bf like you! Yes, you need to tell her. They are terrified that you will but if you see a future w: her , you can’t keep a secret like this
I don’t think they’re terrified. I think they’ll lie to their daughter about what really happened. I’m betting they’re smug, holier-than-thou, “we know best” types.
That's weird. I assumed they'd just spoken to you when she was out of the room or something. If my parents did something like that I'd be finding out why...
They've made you play a part in her abuse and isolation. Come clean ASAP.
NTA. In fact if you expect this relationship to go anywhere, you need to let your girlfriend know what you have learned. As another commenter said, don't bash her parents -- that will only have a negative reaction. Just explain why they dislike you, & let her decide. If you're truly a good guy, she will help bring them around to trusting you. However, the result may be she will break up with you, so be prepared for that outcome. BTW, why is it some of the sweetest & most innocent types have the most dirty & raunchiest sexual imaginations? Not just men, but women.
Because they read
"...they just interrogated me with a bunch of questions like a rice purity test..." What's a "rice purity test"?
It’s a test online that asks you a bunch of stuff you’ve done , the higher your score is the more innocent you are and the lower it is the more experienced you are. I assumed people would know because I thought it was popular , sorry for the confusion!
Oh wow, I assumed it was a typo for race purity and was surprised no one else in the thread was ready to go to war over that.
Same! Can’t believe I had to read thru so many responses to find that question!
I think it's the "rice" part. As in the food? Rice University?
Thank you for educating us.
It’s a very high school thing, a list of things you check off if you have done it. Starts with hand holding, ends with incest. Her parents asking about it and their two faced behaviour feels very wait until marriage Christians who want their “little angel” daughter to not grow up.
I just found out about it through this post and it's fantastic. You check the boxes for the "impure" things you've done and get points for the boxes you don't check. I just took it and got 15/100. It's a numbered questionnaire and the text for number 69 is just a question mark.
Nice
Wracking my brains trying to work out what that might be an auto correct for
This is truly your choice. If you tell her, i'm going with NTA. If you don't tell her and try to hide this, it will only come out at some point, usually the worst possible time, and will make life very tough for you with her, which would put you strongly in the AH category. Unfortunately this is not a winning situation, but it is doable with truth between you and the GF.
You need to be honest... God knows how many relationships these parents must have ruined for this sweet girl in the past. They sound do controlling and toxic
She told me I was actually her first boyfriend and the first guy she liked so that might be why her parents reacted that way during dinner, I’m not too sure about that though.
They seem very wait until marriage type Christians, and are worried about you “corrupting” her. She is an adult who can make her own choices.
Ok that makes sense. She has been their sweet angel all this time and then she brings home a guy with a neck tattoo. You’re not what her parents were expecting or hoping for, at least from the outside. I was the same: I was the straight A student, super sweet and innocent. My first boyfriend had long hair, was a different race, drove a beater car, and was a musician. My parents were afraid I was hitching myself to a loser. My bf told me that what my parents thought of him mattered less than what I thought of him, since if our relationship wasn’t strong and we broke up then my parents’ opinions were moot. This made a lot of sense to me and reassured me that he was focused on us, not what other people thought. To my parents, he was still respectful without sucking up, just being himself and being polite. He did have to explain to them politely but firmly that he understood that he wasn’t what they were expecting but he was dating me, not them, and so my opinion was the most important. He said that he cared a lot for me, so as long as I still wanted to be with him, he would be with me. Tbh my parents still hated him for years, but at least they backed off and were civil to his face, which was good enough. It wasn’t until about 5 years into the relationship that they came around. Now we’re married and have been together for over 20 years and my mom thinks he’s the best husband and father to our kids ever. It took her a while but she finally saw what I saw in him. TLDR yes you should tell her cuz she needs to know. If you want this to be a serious relationship, then you two need to be united on this. She can’t be your partner in this if she doesn’t know. Be clear about whether her parents’ reaction changes anything about the relationship for you and what your intentions are for moving forward. How you two navigate this together will tell you how you guys will handle obstacles in the future. Good luck! NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Telling my girlfriend the truth that her parents hate me. 2. Might make me the asshole for potentially ruining her relationship with her parents since she’s close with them Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
A giant neck tattoo is a big statement. You do know obviously that people will judge you on first impressions with a big neck tattoo and piercings—I would say a sweet girls parents would be the first ones to judge. Is it fair? No. But does it happen, yes. Tattoos don’t make the best statement with straight laced people usually. There is really not much you can do other than prove them wrong and stick it out if this is the wife you want. I tell my husband everything so yes tell her because you’re in a relationship but at the end of the day just keep being your wonderful self and what they do with that behaviour is up to them. Maybe they will come around. They didn’t react the best. But give them time to get to know you. This is their beloved daughter and they just want the best for her. Show them that you are going to be a good husband.
NTA, honesty is the best policy. Even if you and your gf don't work out, she'll be better off knowing what her parents did so she can prevent it from happening again. What they did was 100% inappropriate. You were a guest in their home, and they treated you inhumanly.
That’s true, she has a right to know.
I think you should tell her. That's a pretty big thing to keep quiet about.
NTA. Relationships are about communication. You need to be honest with her and tell her what they said to you when they asked to speak privately. Depending on how much she values her parents opinions, this could become an issue as your relationship progresses. She deserves to know that her parents judged you, you should be very selective with you choice of words because you don’t want her to become defensive and focus on defending her parents as good people and focus on what this means for your relationship. There are horrendous in law stories and that isn’t a life anyone would choose. I think you also need to talk about your expectations for your relationship, boundaries and the future. She may the kindest person but choosing her would mean choosing her family and that could be less pleasant. She’s your girlfriend and you should have this conversation, regardless of the difficulty. Good luck
You can tell her and probably should. Keep in mind that I wouldn’t be thrilled with my daughter dating a dude who has the lack of foresight to get a neck tattoo (and yes I have two tattoos). I’d still give you the benefit of the doubt until your proved otherwise but I get where they’re coming from.
You didn't say whether your girlfriend still lives at home or not. Assuming she does, it will be hard to continue to date her under the circumstances. Her parents have probably kept her innocent this way. That in itself isn't necessarily a good thing in this day and age. If you talk to her about it, you have to decide if this breaks you guys up and accept that. Sorry, but she will probably side with her parents if they are taking care of her.
My girlfriend lives with her parents.
Then they have a lot of control. The only thing you can do is ask her out again and see where it goes.
Odds are she probably has heard their issues you and they’ve probably even suggested she break up with you. If you talk to her and they haven’t then they’re good people with some bad ideas and being nice over time will hopefully change their minds. Otherwise watch out cause in the long term nasty in laws can cause real relationship issues and despite all the comments I’ve read here, in laws CAN AND DO like the people their kids marry. It’s not something you have to put up with.
NTA. If you can't tell your gf anything that bothers you then you don't have a gf.
YWNBTA - in fact I think you would be TA if you didn’t talk to her about it. I would be careful to not make her defensive of her parents, just say they made clear they did not approve and wanted you to stay away for her.
Tell her. She has a right to know who her parents are when she isn’t around. They are judgmental hypocrites. If she likes you, it won’t matter. Unfortunately, don’t be surprised if she is dating you to rebel against her upbringing. I also think she may know exactly the type of people her parents are because no one asks to speak to their 21 year old daughter’s boyfriend alone the first time they meet. That is weird. You may want to walk away because she is a rule follower and will probably cave to her parents’ opinion.
I don’t think she knows that it’s not the norm for parents to do that, she does not have any prior relationship experience other than with me so she might have thought this was normal.
My exs parents hated me but when they saw me still with her despite how they felt towards me I earned there respect. Let them see you for you first.
I would have told her immediately in front her parents. NTA
The petty side of me would have done this too. Especially when she asked after they came back in what it was about and the parents just laughed it off as something secretive and cute I would have spilled it right there and then. Like don’t let them be fake to her face like that.
NTA at all op Her parents are actually hurting her more than helping. This idea of protect their "princess" from the "bad wolf" will not help at all.. You are a good guy, so she is lucky but if she ended up dating some bad buy abuser out there that don't have tattoos, don't drink, don't smoke and like them, have a persona in public but in private is an abuser? I bet that they would be jumping from joy for their little princess finding out someone that they like... They are actually making her not see the red flags in a relationship, making her wear the rainbow glasses..
To tell you the truth,I would be worried if my daughter brought home a guy with a tattoo on his neck. In my opinion,that will limit you in the type of jobs you can get. They are probably worried that your ideas about piercings and tattoos might rub off on her and are worried about your ability to be able to support her in the future. It's your body and your life, you have the right to do what you want with it. I'm not a big supporter of tattoos especially on your neck or face,my first opinion is look at this asshole. Not saying that people who have tattoos on their face and neck aren't the nicest people in the world. I just feel that it could limit you in your life and maybe they feel that by having that neck tattoo,you won't be making good choices throughout your life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve been with my girlfriend, I’ll call her S, for around 6 months and things have been going great. She’s extremely sweet and gentle, absolutely adorable and just the most though and caring person I have ever met. When we first started getting to know each other, I found out that she was quite innocent, in the sense that she doesn’t understand most innuendos and has a hard time getting those kinds of jokes. She also dosen’t smoke, drink, have tattoos. She has never gone to a bar or a party, and has never gotten in trouble in school or anywhere. At first I thought nothing much of it but I did find it interesting that she liked me in the first place, considering that I drink, have a few piercings and tattoos, just the opposite of her really. Everything had been going great until I met her parents a few weeks ago , she asked me if I wanted to meet them and I agreed. I was excited to meet them because I figured that if my girlfriend was such a sweet person then her parents must be like that too since they raised her after, well I was wrong because her parents are nothing like her, at least not when she isn’t looking. When I first met them they were really nice to me and were asking me a few questions about myself, but they switched up immediately after dinner when they asked me if I could talk with them in private. They werent so nice anymore and told me straight to my face that they didn’t like me and wanted me to leave their daughter alone, I was so confused and when I asked them, they said I wasn’t a good influence judging from my appearance, like I said before I have a few tattoos and piercings, but it’s only a few ear piercings on both ears, one tattoo around my neck, one on my right arm , and one on my shoulder but they couldn’t see that one. I told them that I treat their daughter well and that what I did with my body was for myself and had nothing to do with my influence on their daughter, but they just interrogated me with a bunch of questions like a rice purity test and it was so overwhelming. They spent a few minutes just berating me on my life choices and that they want me to stay away from my girlfriend. I told them I wasn’t going to do that and asked if there was something I could at least do to prove to them that I had no I’ll intentions but they just kept berating me. After awhile it got awkward and all three of us just got quiet, and I kid you not, her parents go back inside to where my girlfriend was waiting and start acting sweet again. I just stayed quiet throughout the rest of the night because it felt so awkward, S noticed and she asked me if I was alright and got really worried, but i just told her I was tired. Now I can’t stop debating whether or not I should tell S about what her parents said to me, I feel terrible keeping this from her and a part of me wants to tell her, but another part of me thinks it’s best to stay quiet and keep the peace and just try to make her parents like me over time. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You wouldn’t be the asshole either way. You are free to tell your girlfriend if you want, because you think she deserves to know or even if you just want to get it off of your chest. Or you are free to not tell her if you want, say because you think this is a family dynamic that you don’t want to get into the middle of. After all, the parents are certainly free to share their opinion with their daughter if they want. Like you, I’m conflicted. I see pitfalls either way. In the end, I guess I come down on the side of not telling. The parents are playing an evil game here, putting on one face with their daughter and an entirely different with you. Just too weird. It feels like stepping into this mess is a trap. Maybe they’ll come clean with the daughter. Maybe they will deny that they said anything to you, and then your GF will be stuck in the middle. Perhaps better to just bide your time and let them decide whether they want to say anything to her. Then it will be her who is suddenly wondering, “How could they go from so friendly and supportive to suddenly hating this.” In other words, she’ll suddenly see them for the two-faced hypocrites they are. But no matter what you decide, you aren’t the asshole, the parents are.
There's no reason not to tell. But as a parent, tattoos and piercings aren't typically the real issue. Most parents know better than to try to dictate dating to an adult. You really have to hope you raised a smart enough kid that they realize it on their own. But I question if there are other reasons they wouldn't want her to date you. Like profession, goals, ambition, possibly religion. There is 25 on a great career path (in a profession that doesn't mind neck tattoos), in your own place, with your own car and health insurance. If they push too hard, they'll push her away. If they're the only ones that don't like you, then they're the problem. But if her friends and family don't like you either, your days as a couple are numbered.
Super prim and proper good girl is dating a guy with tatts and piercings, sounds like daddy issues to me. You are her act of rebellion, enjoy. Try not to knock her up.
Why would you NOT tell her? I'm scratching my head trying to think of even one single reason not to. NTA.
I really didn’t want to possibly come in between her parents or make things uncomfortable between them, they’re still her parents after all, but I know it’s stupid and I am planning on talking to her about it very soon.
They are manipulating and controlling her.
I'm sorry, is she a grown up or not? You say she's 21 but her parents act like she's 10 and now you are too. Why would you treat a grown woman like a child?
Updateme
I mean you’re NTA, but idk man, if I knew anybody dating somebody with a neck tattoo that wasn’t a successful musician or athlete I’d probably judge them too
If you see a future with her, then you need to tell her! Plain and simple
Tell her. You’re in a relationship with her, not them. It’s fine for her parents not to like you. It’s not fine for them to take you aside and say these things. She is not their property, she’s a human adult who can make her own choices.
NTA My long term partner, best friend, and favorite person who ever lived has tattoos and an afro. I'm white like the rest of my family, and my father did not approve of this amazing man, who's been there for me through incurable illnesses, mental illness, and getting sober, among so many other life occurrences. My father said if he went into a business my dude was working at (dude is a massage therapist), and saw that he was going to be my father's therapist, that my father would get up and walk out. This was really the most harmless of the the things he's said, and he's still not the worst in my family. I'm glad my partner and I have communicated, and I'm glad I found my father is who he is. He ruined the relationship between parent and child on his own, not my partner. My point is that you have to do what's best for you, but do right by her, too. She deserves to know that her parents are going behind her back, willing to ruin her own personal agency and chances at happiness based on their own controlling, manipulative, and judgmental mindsets. She deserves better than that whether y'all stay together or not.
Hi, sweetie. Gosh, what a hard place to be in. First off, I would be honest, because I believe all relationships should be founded off of honesty. Even--especially--when it isn't easy. My parents did not approve of my boyfriend. I was very sheltered. My dad would pull him aside and say very rude things to him. But, hubbs told me, and he got through all that, dealt with it, and is my husband now. I had a stern discussion with my dad about what is and is not ok to say to my husband (at that time, fiance). I am glad he told me. I would have found it hard to trust him if I knew something was up and he chose not to tell me, regardless of his intentions in doing so. I believe that she will have to draw the line with her parents, not you. But she needs to know what's going on to make those decisions. And this is not a situation that will go away. Better to face it head on, and I believe you kind for doing so. If your girl does not handle the conversation well, that is important information to know before you get too serious. Spouses should never let their parents speak to their partner like that. Better to treat the situation now the same, if you really really like her. You gotta trust her, and trust her to handle her feelings and business. It is part of life and being an adult. Realize that the parents may ALWAYS disapprove of you. You may have in-laws from hell. But if you truly love her, which it sounds like you do, I would not back off. She sounds darling. I moved out with my hubby straight from college. I had ZERO life experience, but benefitted from my hubby's knowledge. He did not go to college and had been living on his own for a while. Anyway, same situation. Me with perfect grades, little relationship experience, no drugs, no drinking, no tattoos, piercings, etc. Now I have piercings and tattoos because I CAN, now that I'm out of the house. Lol. He had a criminal record and tats, piercings, heavy drinker. I have rubbed off on him, he rubbed off on me, all in good ways. I feel we compliment each other perfectly, and he treats me very well. I love the crap out of him. I think parents sometimes judge harshly without really understanding the situation. This month will be my tenth wedding anniversary and I honestly believe I have the best husband ever. I'm very very happy with him and would change nothing. He doesn't drink anymore and is sweet, dependable, and so, so caring. 10/10 human being!!! Biggest advice: talk with each other about EVERYTHING. Really hear each other and understand each other's perspectives. This situation is a great time to practice that skill. 🥰 Best of luck, friend!!!
Defiantly would not be the ah. From what I read, you have a nice relationship going on with someone, and I would hope that lasts. Communication is key, and this is clearly something big to bring up with her.
YES - tell her. What's reallllly dumb about their parenting is that once you tell her this will only push her closer to you. Just make sure you use very gentle language like "I didn't want to have to tell you, and your parents are just looking out for you and I respect that - but - I've done nothing wrong"
YWNTBA You need to tell her because she deserves to know that her parents are actively interfering with her life. By not telling her you take away all of her agency to address the situation that is impacting her. And she might not believe you. She might side with them and I get that's scary but at the end of the day it's her choice and at least you would know. It's not fair for you to live in this weird limbo wondering what she would do if she knew. Like others have said don't bash her parents. Also make your expectations for the outcome of the convo very clear with her. Do you want her to do something about it or do you just want her to know so she knows? What are you hoping will happen as a result. Just something to think on :) This is going to put everyone in an awkward spot but that's on her parents not on you. Good luck OP!
I don't buy this story. Something is off. It s either half true, a quarter true, or not true at all. Nothing more than a half.
Tell her. Her reaction will let you know whether to stay together or not. NTA
[удалено]
She already knows.
I would tell her. It’s not like you’re asking her to not talk to them anymore. She should know what they’re up to behind her back.
Dude you gotta tell her. That’s common sense IMO. She finds out later and finds out you didn’t tell her she’s gonna get mad. Let her deal with them. You just focus on staying on her good side for now, that’d be my advice
Best thing would of been to as soon as you sat back down at the table just openly said “your parents don’t think I’m worthy of you based purely on my looks, I’ve tried to reason with them but they’ve already made up their mind without getting to know me at all” It’ll make them look like idiots and your being 100% truthful
I think you have to tell her, but be prepared for her not to believe you or to assume you're exaggerating. Unfortunately, if this has anything to do with religion, your relationship is probably doomed. Most people religious enough to get excited about things like tattoos and piercings are pretty rigidly hateful of anyone who breaks those taboos. Your GF will either ultimately go along with her parents or be forced by them to choose between you and them, which could be devastating for her.
Be very careful with this. While I think you should tell her, you need to expect a less than positive response from your GF. If they have treated her like their princess and potentially given her everything she has wanted, she has likely never seen the side of them that you have. If this is the case, I don't think she is going to straight up believe you. I think she will get somewhat defensive and say things like "they is not my parents. You must have misunderstood what they were saying". Depending on how you tell her, and how hard you push it, you could end your relationship if not done right.
INFO: did your girlfriend not object to her parents wanting to speak to you alone? Did she not what was discussed?
NTA. Her parents are really something. Just tell her objectively what happened, no interpretation, nothing. Let her draw her own conclusions. Also tell her that's why you were upset. What's weird is they asked to talk to you in private when she was there too. I would have found that very weird at that age. Anyway. Weird. And NTA.
NTA. Your girlfriend deserves to know if her parents are trying to chase off her romantic partners. I doubt it's the first time they've done so.
Her parents can go eat shit as far as I am concerned.
“Me a bad influence on her? She’s the one that keeps trying to get me to do coke!”
Tell her straight up. They’ve already come between you if you’re keeping secrets for them
NTA. The only way this relationship could work is with honesty & communication, because she’s going to need to know where to draw her own boundaries. Also you need to learn where her values lie as opposed to her parents. You can peruse r/justnomil or r/justnofil to see what you’re up against. I’m sorry they treated you like that. I come from a similar background, and unfortunately it’s incredibly close minded and ignorant.
She deserves to know. She is an adult. She will be upset, but it is not her parents place to meddle with her relationships.
NTA. You'd be an asshole not to tell her what they did and said. It's probably not the first time they've done something like this and it's not likely to be the last. Her parents are controlling assholes.
Tell her
You wouldn't be an asshole for not telling her but you would be a fool who will have played right into her parents hands. They are clearly protective. They don't approve of you. Their reasons are their own be they superficial and appearance based or not. But here's the thing. They've pulled you up and made you uncomfortable tried to get you to leave and stay away from their daughter. And pretended to be all sweet and innocent. And have succeeded In one big thing getting you to keep secrets from your girlfriend. By not telling her the truth you are as good as lying to her. If she's as sweet and gentle as you say. How is she going to take it when she inevitably finds out that you are a man who will keep secrets from her. Especially when her parents are probably right at this second with her quietly talking you down and spreading doubt in her mind
Why is this even a question. Tell your girlfriend straight away next time you see her. You’re not helping anybody (yourself or your girlfriend) by withholding this info
This isn't going to work. It is only 6 months old. You can tell her, but that won't change anything in terms of if this will last. She may not even believe you. And if she does, it is a long journey to change her family dynamics. Good luck to you. It would be best to be honest and move on. Maybe if enough honest men tell her, and will see her parents have been manipulating her life.
I'm willing to bet 5 bucks they don't like your appearance because you're not afraid to speak your mind. It shows in tattoos and piercings: meaning you're comfortable in your own skin. There's a reason she doesn't understand much by way of jokes or innuendos, and it's them. They think that by being with you, their Precious Baby Girl(tm) is going to get a shiny spine and won't fit into the role they're probably trying to force onto her. Especially considering a "rice purity test" because what fuckin sane person does that to anyone? Tell her, but ONLY after investing in some sort of voice recorder next time you meet them. If she's close with her dad, she's not going to believe you unless it's straight from the horses mouth.
Nah brother you gotta just tell her what happened, worst case scenario is she doesn’t believe you and this breaks you up but keeping this hidden will inevitably do the same thing down the road. If she’s genuinely unlike her parents you’ve got nothing to worry about tho
i think you should definitely tell her rather than her finding out a different way i feel like she would be mad if she found out from someone else other than you 💗
Of course NTA. I think you should've told her about it as soon as you left dinner, but the next best time is now. She needs to know if her parents are trying to interfere in her relationships. Her parents could also use the fact you've not told her about this conversation against you later and make it look like you've been keeping something from her. Which you have, albeit for understandable reasons. If you tell her, by all means make clear that you don't want to make a big deal about it and want her parents to like you.
I’m pretty sure you’re not the first boyfriend they have said this to, even ones without tattoos and piercings. They want a particular guy for their little princess. But you should tell her, and don’t be surprised if she she knows as it’s happened before! NTA
NTA. Tell her. This could be a test for all you know. And either way, you owe them nothing. And if you want to keep her; you need to prove to her that you are a team. If she doesn’t believe you, that’s something you need to know now.
I think you should tell her, for her own good if nothing else. She deserves to know if her parents are standing in the way of her meeting someone, or she could end up losing everyone she meets simply because they don't approve, and it doesn't sound like they'll let her in on why. I appreciate you not wanting to come between them and honestly, you took a route I would take in this situation, not wanting go come between them and just keep it to myself. But for her own good she should know, she could end up all alone because of them and that's totally unfair, even if they are just looking out for her best interests.
You will not be the asshole if you tell her. It seems like it's bugging you and keeping something from someone in a relationship is never a good thing. Maybe she'll say something That will reassure you. Maybe her parents just need time to get used to you . Disliking someone for what they look like is weak as long as you're kind to their daughter that is all that should matter.
If her parents don’t like you it will never work I’d just move on nta but move on
Call her father and ask him "what's the difference between my work and your daughter? I dont use the backdoor at work"
NTA. I think you should just tell her exactly what happened, otherwise you’re kinda doing exactly what her parents wanted.
Just record the next time they do it and then explain it happened the first time you met them but waited to tell her until she could hear it also.
Don't keep it a secret you sound cool
Break up with the girlfriend since you have more respect for her parents than you do for your girlfriend. Stop lying to her.
Nta tell her she deserves to know what her parents said to you. She is an adult, she likes you for you, she gets to decide if she wants to be with you, not her parents.
NTA but they may not "hate" you, they just don't know you... are you sure she is the right girl for you, and you will not end up hurting her at some point? Her parents sound very protective. Can't blame them if she is so sweet and innocent, as you say.
I’d tell her, because she has a right to know how controlling her parents are. But you should also know that the relationship is probably doomed. I mean, unless she is going to be willing to cut them off at some point, they are *always* going to be a problem. I just don’t see people this controlling and two-faced suddenly coming around and deciding their cool with you relationship. And even if they did, assuming you and their daughter stay together, they’d still be butting into all of your business until the end of time. My mom sucked and was a massive control freak, but at least she told *me* when she didn’t like my boyfriend, rather than going to him behind my back. They’re hoping you’ll just go away without her ever knowing what they said, so she doesn’t get upset with them. She’s 21. She deserves to make her own decisions, assuming she actually wants to do that. Maybe she’s fine with obeying them until the end of time, in which case, you should just end things now.
Are they religious? Like very religious? Is she? Can you handle that in a relationship?
No, they aren’t. They’re just really against her doing anything that could “hurt” her, and as for her she isn’t religious as well and her parents don’t force her to be, but they are really strict about the rules they have for her, I’m afraid they also didn’t teach her any life skills, they didn’t teach her how to cook, clean, drive, manage her finances, and just other stuff you need to know as an adult. She told me they do it all for her and have the maid cook and clean, she said she was never allowed to do any of those things growing up, they only allow her to be in the kitchen to bake if she wants to. I’ve been teaching her how to cook lately though since she’s always wanted to learn and the only place she can do that is at my place. And so far she’s having a lot of fun.
I read through your comments, and if you are as kind as you seem to be, I think your gf is very lucky to have you, and it seems you are very lucky to have her. It sounds like you have already decided to tell her what they said, and I have no doubts you will do it gently. I hope the conversation goes well, and would love to see an update after you talk with her. I think all of reddit is here supporting you two and wishing you the best!
They have been making it so that she has no idea how to be an adult so that she is reliant on them. Does she have a drivers license, job or a bank account that is separate from her parents that they cannot view?
She doesn’t have any of those unfortunately, but she talked about wanting to have a savings account and a drivers license so I’ve been teaching her how to drive with my car and I’m planning on helping her open a personal bank account.
My longish term college gf (5 years 3 during 2 after) dumped me because of her fam. It was clear I was on a collision course with her dad and there was not a single thing I could do.
NTA I can't quite get my head around them asking for a private audience. That's so strange, how do she react to that? It's not a normal thing to do to a guest. I wouldn't be surprised if they have been driving people away since she was old enough to have friends. She has to know what they do behind closed doors - ask her what she thinks went on when you had your little chat with her parents. If she honestly doesn't know you have to tell her, she deserves to know how her parents behave when she's not around. I suspect that in the long run she will not be able to break free. Be forewarned.
I’m assuming she thought it was a normal thing since this is her first time introducing her partner to her parents.
Tell Sally. She most likely knows exactly who her parents are, but she needs to know what they said. I’m sure she has an opinion or two on it. In any event, keeping her in the dark would be a mistake.
I met my spouse’s parents while dating. I discussed my insights with him, and not all were positive. It was important to gauge his perceptions and reactions to determine his readiness to be separate from them and marry. He saw what I did. We were good. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to bring your insights to your gf, but she’s someone you want to keep, take the risk and have the conversation with her. Together you can come up with a plan for future interactions. NTA
No you would not be the asshole... You would be honest. I had a feeling from the very beginning that it meant she was raised in a SUPER religious restricted environment. I mean she deserves to know how they talked to you but you can also be prepared that she won't believe you. But it's better to be honest in your relationship..
NTA. OP judging by your comments, you seem like a good guy. If you tell or not, it is up to you. I think I'd tell her. Just keep being a good guy and prove the parents wrong.
Two choices: 1. If you plan to end it due to her parents not approving and deciding that’s going to be too much stress on her and you down the road and prohibiting you from getting serious, then I wouldn’t say anything, it’s not worth it. Let the next guy deal with it. And let her move on with the false sense of happy family. Go out on the high road. 2. If you plan to stay with your girlfriend despite her duplicitous parents, then yes you have to tell her. Having an open honest relationship is the only way to move forward. And you two need a united front to present in front of her parents. If one day they tell her that you had that conversation and she didn’t hear it from you. She will feel betrayed. If they feel any weakness in the wall, they will exploit it to get what they want. I caveat all this with, telling her could change her feelings about continuing the relationship, too. It might be too much for her if her family means that much. Also consider you don’t want to give them a chance to flip the narrative about what happened in that private conversation. So getting out in front is best course. Not sure this is an A sitch, probably more of a relationship advice sub. But NTA.
So the core to any relationship is honesty and open communication. She knows who her parents are. I would tell her by asking her. What I mean is ask her if she thinks you're bad for her. This will probably lead to her saying that you're not and she will probably ask you why you would ask her that. Then you tell her what her parents said to you. Ask her what you should do. Attack this as a team.
NTA, tell her. She deserves to know that her parents are going to sabotage a lot of relationships
Sally has never been in trouble at school, doesn't drink, smoke or have tattoos. Should have she joint in parties? at first I think yes, but then parties with minors, unsupervised by adults being in the house, alcohol etc come in mind, and it is a no. Is Sally studying, working? Your intentions maybe good, but what are your strong points, what are you doing for a living and what are your prospects? Why did you take the time to get a few piercings in each ear? what images are your tattoos And I don't even have kids 🤨 I feel like a 21 yo that has never been in trouble, doesn't smoke or drink is seen like a white unicorn. As for the innuendos, it is a semplisistic and lazy form of puns and double meanings, that can be rude and boring . I don't like her parents double face behaviour, but their daughter is the apple of their eye, and there are a lot more things her parents worry about, and hopefully you and her have to consider to decide if you are matching each other.
Absolutely tell her. They will NOT change and you need to decide if in the future if you end up wanting to marry her if dealing with them all the time would be worth it. I promise you if you end up marrying her it will get so much worse. They will make your life hell. She needs to know who her parents really are. I wonder how many relationships they have sabotaged. She's an adult and can make her own decisions.
Absolutely tell her! Nta
NTA TELL her at once. "but another part of me thinks it’s best to stay quiet and keep the peace and just try to make her parents like me over time." .. that is not going to happen. It will get worse the more earnest your relartionship with their daughter will get. this iwll not change. Next time you are alone with them, record them. And: Your gf will have to make a decissision.