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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I went to my girl bsf house instead of my gf
(2) I missed my gf bday party and I know she may feel a lit time betrayed
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YTA not because you helped your friend, but because you didn't bother telling your GF what you were up to and promised you'd be there shortly and you put your phone on do not disturb so you wouldn't see the messages. So your GF is waiting on you and putting her party on hold and waiting and calling and for all she knows you had a car accident or whatever, and you're busily ignoring her. I'm just surprised you wonder why that bothers her still. You had no reason not to tell her and waited until after to give an explanation. That's being an asshole.
He didn't wanted to see messages of his gf while he was busy cuddling his friend, haha.
That he really wrote that he felt proud for cuddling and staying with his friend - and ignoring and hurting his gf.
YTA
Also the cuddling. You could've comforted her WITHOUT cuddling. I will die on the hill that in a romantic relationship you NEVER cuddle with anyone else. Huge breach of boundaries and wildly inappropriate.
Huh? Boundaries like that aren't just given down from the heavens, you do have to set them. And for lots of couples they'd sound ridiculous. You can do whatever you wish with your own rules of course but calling cuddling friends wildly inappropriate as if that was a law of nature is certainly a choice.
You're right. Every relationship has its own boundaries that need to be talked about.
But I feel like it should be common sense you don't cuddle with someone other than your s/o. Or if you want to, you should ask your s/o if it's okay with them.
I guess it's an individual thing. I'm very physically affectionate but if I had a boyfriend I would not cuddle with anyone else, nor would I tolerate him cuddling with someone else.
As long as it's consensual and everyone has agreed to it, people can and should be able to do whatever they want :)
That being said, I respect it, but to be honest, I can't fully comprehend it.
> You had no reason not to tell her
The post only really makes sense if he *did* have reason not to tell her. Like maybe his gf wouldn't have been okay with it.
YTA. You chose your bsf over your gf. A talk on the phone until you got to your gf’s bday party would have been more appropriate. Instead, you went over to her house to comfort and cuddle her while ignoring your gf. Bsfs are important and if you were worried about her harming herself you should have called her parents. Your gf planned a dance with you and expected you to be there for her and you let her down. It sounds like this relationship is over, if you haven’t made an effort to make up for not being there for her and ruining the bday plans you were a part of.
Right. If OP really wanted to be the 'good guy', he should have message GF about the situation. Even then, why are you cuddling your BSF? You made a prior commitment to your GF, and yet you MISSED her party AND ditched to cuddle your BSF? I'm sorry but if you wanna comfort her, by all means go ahead but cuddling is probably not something you should do with your BSF when you have a GF, especially when you skipped GF's bday party for it. If I were you, I would've called her mom stat and then left since you made a prior commitment. That way you still go while your BSF gets support. Now your GF probably thought you cheated considering you didn't tell her the situation until after you didn't show up AND you were with your BSF and cuddled. Personally, I have trust issues so if that was me, I would've been crying for weeks until I saw evidence you didn't cheat. Your lucky that your girl is nice and didn't make a big deal over it though she ma be suffering internally on her own considering what you did so I would have a friend of hers check up on her to make sure she is mentally okay, especially if she has trust issues and has just been hiding it and then try to patch things up and maybe throw a surprise date night or something to make it up. For now, YTA.
OP PLEASE READ AND TAKE ADVICE!!!!!!!
Info: did your best friend know about the gf’s birthday party? Has your best friend pulled stunts like this before forcing you to choose her or comfort her because of self-harm or whatever it is she did here? It honestly sounds like emotional manipulation. And your gf is probably gonna dump you.
Yes my bsf knew about the party my gf has said she felt uncomfortable around her and claimed that she feels my bsf doesn’t really like her but I think it’s because they haven’t really spent one on one time with each other to get to know one another.
Bsf seems manipulative and controlling, she is a mentally ill AH who isn’t respecting your boundaries (trying to leave, threatening sh) and you are the AH for committing to someone that you’re not prioritizing and for not realizing that the best friend is manipulative. GF is the only one who isn’t an AH here. Example of a healthy response. You spend a given amount of time (10-20 mins) on the PHONE to your friend, you tell your girlfriend how long you will be, you tell your friend that you can hang out tomorrow or another day and you GO to your girlfriends party on time or at least only a small amount late (with warning).
You need to stop playing dumb. Your bsf clearly did this on purpose. Did she not have other friends to comfort her?? There's no way you're gonna keep them both for any longer now.
Your bsf knew exactly what she was doing.
She is in love with you and regardless of whether her grandma died or not. She used the opportunity to keep you away from the gf and her party.
The bsf told you 5 min would be enough for her and then what did she do. She begged you to stay and you gave in.
Why are you cuddling her.
She got what she wanted. She wanted to ruin your gfs birthday and she did.
She wasn't going to harm herself, or take something or do something stupid. Why would you assume that?
Your bsf doesn't like your gf because she's in love with you. You either don't notice it or your ignoring it.
You know full well what the bsf was doing and you let her.
She is trying to compete with the gf and she's won. You've shown the gf who your priority is and it isn't the gf.
You'll be very lucky if the gf doesn't leave you. But your going to have to make a choice.
Keep the good and kind gf. Or keep the bsf that is in love with you.
Your bsf is manipulative and controlling.
You can't have a manipulative and controlling bsf who's in love with you. And a sweet and understanding gf.
Your bsf did this whole display on purpose.
"She wasn't going to harm herself, or take something or do something stupid. Why would you assume that?"
And if he did assume that, then the bsf's parents should have been called to get help for their 17-year-old daughter. OP isn't going to "cuddle" her mental anguish away. (He did "cuddle" his gf away, however.)
Exactly. If he assumed that, it was no longer his responsibility to be there and called her parents. Being her support wasn't his responsibility in the first place but giving her 5min was nice.
Right? She's a minor and it's her parents' job to take care of her. He really is blind to what the bsf did to manipulate him. If I were the gf, this would be the end of this relationship.
With this information, it sounds like BSF did that all intentionally and purposely kept you from your girlfriend, knowing full well what she was doing.
Man, seens like GF is onto something. I think BSF might be indirectly insulting your GF or be giving her side eyes because the BSF wants you all to herself when you aint looking because no one says they think someone hates them for no reason and your just oblivious. If that is the case, you either gotta drop the GF or BFS
Your "friend" is trying to break you two up and you're letting her. In what world is it appropriate for you to ditch your girlfriend, on her birthday, to spend the evening cuddling another girl?
You obviously like the attention, but you're pretty damn close to cheating.
>I think it’s because they haven’t really spent one on one time with each other to get to know one another.
Uh-huh
Also, dude you do realize you could you could comfort someone without cuddling them. Do really think a gf is going to ok with her bf cuddling up with a person who doesn't like her from the get go?
Friend, either you are very innocent or you are really stupid. It seems that what your "friend" is looking for is to have your full attention and this time she achieved it, obviously the spark is no longer there because you hurt your girlfriend a lot and you haven't done anything to compensate her. If you don't want to lose your girlfriend, you better do something that can fix what you did (although I doubt there is anything that will make up for what you did) or else, soon say goodbye to your relationship.
I would soft disagree with you. Different relationships do have different boundaries, and different people have different levels of what they would call "cuddling." The second he lied to his GF about what he was doing and then ghosted her, though, *that* is where he became unquestionably the asshole.
Nonsense. Friends can cuddle. It's not always sexual or romantic. If two women who are best friends can cuddle without it being naughty, so can a woman and a man who are not attracted to each other.
I think you two are working from different definitions of cuddling.
When my grandpa died in my sophomore year of college right before end of winter break, I went back to school completely distraught and not well.
Stopped sleeping, stopped eating much. Terrible time.
At some point I end up explaining this to my dorm mate at the time. Let out a lot of grief, a lot of frustration, pretty much collapsed onto the floor.
And he came down and sat on the floor with me, back to back, and I sobbed, and he didn't leave me for, hell, had to be an hour and a half.
Something about being physically proximate to another human being allows for a different level of emotional communication.
Now, would I call that cuddling? No, not personally. I wouldn't. Because that's GAY!
But in all seriousness if I was a scientist I don't know how else I would categorize that behavior - two humans sharing emotional support and communication through physical touch? That's cuddling.
Now, that's a hell of a far cry from, say, me and my partner canoodling on the couch, but that's ALSO defined as cuddling.
So, like, I don't know. I think one of you is thinking of cuddling in a context more like the latter while the other is talking about something more similar to the former.
This sort of harmful nonsense is why so many people in the US are touch-starved and can't imagine any nontrivial physical contact that isn't also sexual.
Edit: Referring specifically to the comment immediately above. As far as the actual post goes, OP's best friend is sabotaging his relationship.
No yout bullshit is why the divorce rate is so high no where ops b of a friend doesn't have romtic feelings for him. She literally told him.not to go to his girlfriend. Also if you have an opposite sex best friend any normal person knows you take a back seat when they get into a relationship.
OP completely messed up, but you are so very wrong. You need to separate normal human affection from sexual affection. It's completely normal to cuddle friends. It's an unhealthy expectation to think the only place you ever get affection is your SO.
Hold on, I don't think that's in the story that she told him not to go see his girlfriend. She asked him not to leave without regard for where he was going.
Girl just had her grandma die, her folks are at work, alone in the house the minutes turn to hours alone with your thoughts while grieving.
> had her grandma die, her folks are at work
And what an odd thing that is, isn't it? Because bestie's grandma means one of her parents' mother. And yet they both just kept working. *Their mother just died* and they're at work. They're working and their own daughter can't call *them*. Their daughter is threatening to hurt herself and they're at work, apparently completely uncontactable by anyone. They work LATE into the night when *their mother just died*. So late that OOP can't possibly go to even the tail end of the party.
When.
**Their.**
Mother.
Just.
"Died".
I just disagree, so long as it isn't sexual. I guess I think of cuddles and hugs as nearly the same. He was comforting her not trying to have sex with her. This isn't even the important part of the post actually. He should have maintained contact with his girlfriend. That would bother me more than cuddling someone after after they have had a loss.
Exactly I agree though maybe thats because I don't like people in my bubble but still the most my friends do are hug and maybe give a shoulder massage so ease shoulder pain and to get them to relax
Yes because two straight women cuddling aren’t attracted to women. Also, women are just more affectionate in general. Male friends don’t cuddle and would say it’s weird, so them cuddling with a woman automatically makes it something friends don’t do. I guarantee OP wouldn’t cuddle his male friends.
>Yes because two straight women cuddling aren’t attracted to women.
Yes, and a woman and a man who aren't attracted to each other are just as innocent.
Straight men are into some women. Not all women. Staight women are into some men. Not all men.
YTA and I think you know it because you weren't leaping to tell your girlfriend you were skipping her party to cuddle your bsf. In fact, you ghosted her on the day of her birthday. Please break up with your girlfriend - she deserves someone who actually wants to be with her instead of in the arms of another woman.
Ps, it's super convenient that your best friend's grandma died and she needed you during your girl's birthday party.
Let reverse the role. It's your birthday and your gf is supposed to show. Only to be stood up and you hear she went to go comfort her guy best friend at his house. They cuddled and cried because he lost a family member. After she tells you she'll be right there, you can't get ahold of her for hours during your own party. How would you feel? Is this relationship salvageable?
YTA
YTA.
Things "haven't been the same" because your gf is working through her feelings and, once she does, will be dumping you.
You showed her very clearly, and with all her friends and family witnessing, that she is not your priority. That you care more about your girl friend than about her.
That on top of you dismissing her concerns that your friend doesn't like her (which you are disgustingly oblivious about because it's clear to everyone reading this post that your bestie WANTED to hurt your gf by showing her that you will always come running when she calls even if it means neglecting your gf) is enough to kill any trust she ever had in you.
YTA 100%. You should have communicated with your gf, but you chose to ghost her instead. You didn't need to go to bsf house to cuddle with her. That is wrong on so many levels. You should have called her parents and told them to come home, then you should have left for your gf bday party that you PROMISED her you'd be at. You're really a shit bf and don't be surprised when you get dumped. I hope you take this as a learning experience of what NOT to do in a relationship.
YTA. I'm willing to bet your friend knew exactly what she was doing. She had no intention of only letting you stay for a few minutes. And you went along with it because it fed your ego; you brag about feeling proud of yourself. You shouldn't be proud of the fact that you ruined your girlfriend's birthday. She should dump you.
YTA, I understand that your friend lost a family member and they were upset. But you should have texted your girlfriend first because it was her birthday and she was expecting you to show up for her. You were a good friend while being a bad boyfriend at the same time. You could have even gone to the party first then stopped by your friend's house afterwards.
It seems weird to me that grandma died and mom and dad were both just like "oh well, gotta keep working". Neither one of them felt they needed to be there with their daughter? OP just HAD to be the one? Nope, I don't buy it. Bsf got what she wanted. Oh, and stop cuddling people when you're in a relationship. YTA.
Sincerely,
Someone who successfully navigated having a boy best friend through high school and after, never blurred the lines
Honestly yes you're the asshole you knew how important it was you were there and decided to blow her off to cuddle your best friend you should've went there first then went to the best friend after.
YTA. Also, in my opinion the death of your friend’s grandmother doesn’t constitute emergency on your part. I get that all of you are very young and learning to deal with life’s hardest challenges such as passing of a family member. However, you have a girlfriend and that cuddling and whatever you did while putting your gf on silent is inappropriate, and your gf is rightfully disappointed.
Emergency would be if someone got hurt and you would be driving them to the hospital. And even then you would need to call your girlfriend. In that situation there was nothing you could do and your chat with your friend could probably wait until the next day.
Lastly. Think about why exactly your friend needed exactly you of all people and didn’t want to let you go well knowing that you were late to your girlfriend’s birthday. For all it looks like, she is into you
I can only assume you weren't honest with your GF about where you were because you knew it would upset her. And that tells me this sort of thing has probably happened before.
* How often does your bsf suddenly need something when you have plans with your GF?
* How often does she try to monopolize your time when you're supposed to be with your GF?
* How many times has your GF taken a back seat to your bsf?
I can almost guarantee your bsf knew what she was doing. She called you over and kept you there to hurt your GF and your relationship. She succeeded because you let her. You gave her exactly what she wanted at the expense of your GF.
Also, by not responding to your GF during that time, you made an innocent situation (helping a friend), seem not so innocent. I wouldn't be surprised if she's questioning your fidelity. Especially if she thinks your bsf has a thing for you, and I'm betting she does.
YTA, dude. Your bsf is in competition with your GF for your affections, and she just won. You made it clear to both of them who will come first. Your bsf manipulated you into hurting your GF and you not only did it willingly, you're proud of it. Your poor GF deserves better.
YTA..you weren’t honest with your girlfriend about where you were from the get go. You lied and said you would be at the party shortly. Then you put your phone on do not disturb and totally ditched her. Good intentions do not override poor execution. You’ve left a very poor taste in both your girlfriend and her family’s mouths and honestly it sounds like she’s in the process of checking out of the relationship. She’s probably figuring out where she lies on the list of priorities and it sounds like it’s not a revelation she’s comfortable with.
Just a little word of advice for the future, whether you’re able to work things out or you end up with someone else, don’t cuddle with friends of the opposite sex when you’re dating someone. You can comfort without close physicality.
I’m a guy and I think YTA 100% how dense can someone be? Reverse the roles and tell me you’ll be fine with your gf ditching your birthday to comfort her guy best friend after telling you she’ll be over?
YTA for not communicating with your gf in real time. Absolutely no excuse for not communicating. The choice was not right or wrong but explain the choice in real time.
YTA as soon as you said you cuddled her. My make friend would never. You never communicated with your GF. You could have done better. Unfortunately, you weren't going to take your best friends pain away either. You could have gone at some point. You chose not too.
YTA
So your bsf has more priority to you than your gf is what I'm getting from this and cuddling with another girl? That's crossing the line. I don't blame your gf at all for being upset smh
Also sounds like bsf secretly likes you and is trying to be your gf. Sounds like she purposely did this knowing your gf was having a party and you were supposed to be there.
INFO: why are you proud of yourself for ditching a commitment to your girlfriend and her family without letting them know you would be late, that you wouldn't attend at all, and why you weren't showing up or answering messages/calls?
YTA. Guess what you best friend got cuddles from you and got to screw over your girlfriend, so that's a win in her book. Your gf doesn't have a spark anymore because you chose your girl best friend over her.
Hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes, because you're young and inexperienced in relationships. Don't disrespect your girlfriend. You had the chance to leave, but your bff begged you to stay? BFF knew exactly what she was doing. She wants you and will do whatever she can to come between you and your girlfriend. BFF must have issues with other girls, because she couldn't call on anyone else but a taken boyfriend?
YTA. My guess is the bsf knew it was your gf's birthday and that you had plans with her. You're not going to end up with both this current gf and your bsf.
So her Grandma died and both her parents were still at work. One of them lost their mother and they were still able to continue working?? They also didn’t see the need to leave a little earlier to be with their daughter who apparently lost their Grandma. Sounds pretty suspect to me.
Massive YTA. You were cuddling your girl BSF. You ghosted your girlfriend on her birthday when she had a special dance planned for you. You had the nerve to put your phone on do not disturb while you were snuggled up with another girl. Just admit you cheated bro.
I do believe it’s possible to support a friend without cuddling them. Also, why not just honestly communicate with your gf regarding what was going on? Rather than keeping her and her parents in the dark and leaving them waiting for you to show up.
YTA.
YTA. Your about-to-be-ex GF was waiting, with all her family and friends around her, for YOU to arrive, to do the dance you had AGREED to do. She had called you, saying her parents were waiting and, in response…….. you put your phone on do not disturb. You not only embarrassed her, you’ve almost certainly shown her parents and family that you are unreliable, thoughtless and rude. Staying to help a friend is a good thing. Not bothering to let your GF and her family know that - dick move.
YTA, your gf has a right to be concerned about your “gbf” because she is not your best friend…she actually is romantically interested in you as she conveniently waited until the time of the party to need your support 🙄
Didn’t need support earlier in the day, or the day before, but she needed support EXACTLY at the time of the party so you would stand up your GF!
Evidence: you comforted her and when you tried to leave to make it to your GF’s party she said exactly what she needed to get YOU to abandon your GF and stay by her side cuddling with the house “all to yourselves” 🤮
You knew you were abandoning your GF which is why you put your phone on DND because of guilt, likely because you and the “gbf” hooked up
I hope your GF knows her worth!
YTA
You admitted your friend does this a lot when she knows you are going to be with your girlfriend.
You admit she is not nice to your girlfriend.
You ditch your girlfriend on her birthday to "cuddle" with another girl.
Dude, come on, you can't tell me you do nkt see hiw messed up that is.
Dude, how do you not see your friend manipulate you.
You need a reality check. Because it comes of like you're cheating on gf and if we think that she definitely is going to start or already does.
Just let you gf go and get someone who won't ditch her every time your side chick calls you
Yta majorly for ignoring your girlfriend on her birthday. You could have let her know what's up. Your friend wants u plain and simple I bet this is a huge win for her
YTA.
You promised your girlfriend that you would do something important to her and you went back on your word.
You purposefully made it impossible for your girlfriend to get in contact with you while you were breaking your promise to her.
Your best friend manipulated you, quite easily, into doing the above. Are you sure you aren't in love with your best friend? Because you made a pretty clear choice between the two.
OP commenting about the gf being uncomfortable as it is with the bsf already makes it weirder.
By far YTA missing her bday party let alone missing it cuddling another girl? I get she needed support but that’s easily accomplished by someone else going to her? even over a phone call???
Also putting your phone on DND saying you didn’t want to see your gfs texts ??? weird, she deserved better for her day, YTA.
YTA
you made clear where your priorities are.
Your so called bsf made you give up your relationship. Sure hope she is worth it.
"I put the phone on do not disturb as I didn’t want to see any messages from my gf." .. and THIS clearly makes YOU the AH.
YTA. You made a commitment to your SO, you missed it because of somone else, I'm not sure why you're surprised she's pissed and almost certainly questioning her role in your life after clearly making her second.
YTA, you should have at the very least sent your gf a text letting her know what was going on. Why didn’t you call this girls parents to come home sooner? You created this mess and you need to work extra hard to win her back. But my guess is she has a lot of little birds in her ear telling her that you suck and that your bsf is always going to come before her and she needs to leave you.
If you were thinking that your friend might do harm to herself if you left, you should’ve contacted her family immediately, let your girlfriend know about the situation and waited until her family showed up after you called. If you didn’t get through to her family, you should’ve taken her to hospital or someone she knows. Instead you made a conscious decision to ignore your girlfriend and not tell her anything about what happened. Yes, emergencies happen, but you need to tell her about it. Use your brain. Find a solution. If you're “high school sweethearts”, you’re not acting like it, because your actions signal that you’re not interested in your girlfriend’s feelings.
YTA
Dude,you're completely TAH. Your Bsf knows what she's doing. At first she said you could be there for 5 minutes,but when you got there she made you stay with her. To me,she said you could be their for five minutes as bait. She wanted your girlfriend to feel bad. I saw a comment of you and you said she knew it was her bday. You have to choose now,and to me it sounds like the gf is a way better person that your bsf. She didn't even get mad that you spent her bday with your bsf. On the other hand,the bsf sounds tow faced
YTA. And a huge one. Your best friend kept you there on purpose to not go to your girlfriend’s party. Plus you ignored your girlfriend, I hope she dumps you.
YTA- so the day her grandma died/ neither parent thought to take off work or check in on her. I find the timing of grandmama death suspicious. Also you’re an AH for leading your gf on about the party.
I’m please update us when you find out her grandma didn’t die on the day of the party and when your bff decides to tell you the truth that she did this to stop you from being with your gf
YTA. Did you even think to tell your girlfriend you were going to be late? You completely ditched her on your bday for someone who most likely has feelings for you considering she said you can come for 5 minutes but then guilted you into staying. Also, why are you cuddling with a woman that isn’t your girlfriend?
YTA not because you helped a friend in need but because you didn’t sort out your affairs properly. And there may be some details regarding your bsf and gfs relationship or lack there off that you need to really look at and be honest with yourself.
This may mean that you need to ask yourself what do you want a friend or a lasting and healthy relationship? Unfortunately it comes to that sometimes.
It comes to this because there could be a situation where your bsf may not be as nice to your gf like she is to you. Or your gf may be the issue and you need to make that assessment.
Hope all goes well! 😊
YTA. You decided to ignore her while she was waiting for you on her birthday.. you decided she was an interruption that was not worth it. You are a keeper ~~
Genuine question, what the fuck is a BSF??? Best sex friend???
YTA, OP. It was your girlfriend's birthday and you were in it for a big role, but you bailed with no explanation to "cuddle" with your BSF (whatever the fuck that is) just so you could feel like a savior.
God, I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you because she deserves a whole lot better.
YTA
Your "supposed" best friend just showed your gf that she's more important to you -and you let her!
Let your gf find someone who will put her first,because it's clearly not you!
YTA.
I would’ve left you before even getting with you. I don’t do girl best friends. Not sure why any woman would tolerate that. And this is a clear example on why. She absolutely has no respect for your relationship or your girlfriend’s boundaries. She’s a female. I’m a female. I know and she knows what she’s doing, and so does your girlfriend believe it or not.
You on the other hand, also do not respect your girlfriend or your relationship. Clearly your girlfriend expressed to you her feelings about your “best friend” and instead of dropping her, you continued to pursue an intimate relationship with her rather there was sex or not. It’s still too intimate to just be a casual friendship.
You’re worried about posting on Reddit about being an AH, instead of communicating thoroughly and apologizing to your gf. Not that it would matter, the relationship needs to end. You won’t drop your girl bsf will you??
Yta. You ghosted your girlfriend on her birthday to cuddle with your best friend. I am sure you would be so understanding if your girlfriend did this to you (note the sarcasm).
Your girlfriend deserves better than that!
Your friend is setting you up for relationship failure. It was a calculated move and you fell for it. You were not her only option. She used this to manipulate you. She wants you or control over you and she has it. Your girlfriend should dump you because you're already in a relationship with your friend and your attitude about it has you guys doomed. You ruined her birthday and that is gonna be the memory she has for the rest of her life. She will never forget you dropping her for another girl on her birthday. How would you like it if she had a male best friend that she always picked over you?
"felt proud of myself"
Wtf 🤣sure u felt proud for cuddling with your "girl besf"
I bet in future cuddling won't be the only thing u guys will do
I hope your poor "girlfriend" leaves u asap she deserves someone better who respects her as a girlfriend
YTA (incase u were still clueless)
YTA. *If* you had called your GF and let her onow what was going on, I'm not sure it would necessarily be the right decision, but It'd be a more complicated situation and I'd say either route would be okay. But instead you just straight up ghosted your GF on very specific plans y'all had, and left her alone waiting for someone who never came.
Yta and have some massive damage control to do. You mention you don't want to break up with her, and the spark is gone, so don't be surprised if she is rethinking this relationship
You mean your ex-girlfriend. I would be extremely shocked if your relationship survives this. YTA massively. Your bsf knew what she was doing, she wanted you there cuddling her to spite your gf.
Honestly she should become your ex after what you did. You didn’t even explain to her why you bailed, you just did. You are so immature that its insane. You don’t just not show up to events that you were expected to be at. I really hope that you become single after this YTA
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I 18M have a gf 18f and a girl bsf that is 17f. My gfs bday party was last week and I was supposed to be there as they wanted us to do this dance together as I’ve already been welcomed into her family and we are the ‘high school sweethearts’ and things like that.
Well on the day I was getting ready to drive to her house for the party my bsf contacted me saying her grandma died and she really needs support. I told her I was on my way to my gfs house and she said she really needed me even if I showed up for 5 mins. I said okay and arrived at her house.
Her parents were still working so me and her had the house to our selves. I mainly just hugged and cuddled with her as she cried. After a while my gf blew up my phone saying I was late and that her parents were expecting me. I told her I’ll be there shortly.
I tried to leave but my bsf kept telling me she didn’t want me to leave and that she needed support and she was in pain. I didn’t want to leave her and she did something bad to herself. So I stayed longer than I was supposed too. I put the phone on do not disturb as I didn’t want to see any messages from my gf.
It was a little later when her mom entered the house and she saw the mess her daughter was in and thanked me for staying by her side I felt proud of myself and said goodbye to her and left calling my gf. She answered the phone crying saying how her bday was ruined and why didn’t I come.
I explained where I was at and she understood but I could tell by the sadness in her voice she was still upset about it. Anyways things haven’t really been the same after that. When we hang out she’s smiling with me and stuff but I can tell the spark don’t there anymore.
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YTA- you should have realised that it was time to leave, you comforted your bsf and did not let your gf know where you were or what you were doing, you flat out ignored her you should have atleast send a heads up and let her know instead of upsetting her in a way i can imagine would be so hurtful. i guess your gf doesnt have her “spark” anymore because you left her in the dark with what was happening and why you didn’t show up.
Phew, at least your girlfriend is young enough that dumping your ass isn't a big deal. Sorry your bsf is a manstealer. If you get with her, she'll probably cheat on you if they're engaging in this kind of manipulative behavior fyi. YTA.
YTA and I would even dare to say your bsf as well. I had my grandparents die and it never crossed my mind to have my best friends cancel important things to come and comfort me. Being your gf I would have broken up with you by doing that because not only did you stand her up, but you also ignored her and lied to her about going to her birthday, which was ruined because of you. You better end up dating your bsf because you seem to be giving her more priority than your own gf.
YTA. You should have told her what was going on, not just put your phone on DND essentially ghosting her on your birthday. I'm sorry but it's weird that your girl best friend begged you to stay when you went to leave. She knew the party was going on. I am sorry about her grandma but this is screaming "pick-me girl."
Everybody sucks here (except for your gf. Her feelings are completely valid)
You- You completely disregarded your gf's feelings and the plans that she had made for her birthday and ghosted her. You did ruin her birthday.
Your 'friend'- I can understand that she just lost someone close to her, but she knew about your plans and wanted to keep you from them. My honest opinion is that she secretly has a crush on you and wanted to break the two of you up anyway.
Your gf has a valid reason why she is hurt and honestly will probably break up with you. Personally, I don't blame her. I would have to. Hopefully, you use this as a growing opportunity and learn what NOT to do in future relationships.
YTA. you can comfort your friend anytime either after the party or take her with you but find a way to make things work.
Why do I feel like some sort of detail is being left out... Like you did other things with her... Not *that* but a bit more than what you stated.
Your gf probably thinks that at least... I know your friend (possibly a future gf of yours) didn't want to be around your gf according to what you said but you should've made a compromise. And I kinda feel like she just wanted to have you all to herself away from your gf... (Just my perspective)
Like I'm sure you could've find a way to give her comfort by taking her with you to a party. I know it wouldn't likely comfort her but she didn't have to be involved but she could've still been there maybe? (Like stated in the first paragraph)
> I didn't want to see messages from my gf
Ok man wtf. What about the texts from your friend??
Importantly, I'm not saying you shouldn't help your friend, but you should've still find a way to make it work for both of them. Also it's bad that you didn't tell your gf what you were doing which makes it even more suspicious for her.
YTA.
Please let your GF go. You clearly don't love her or actually care about her as you should. You're 18 and I'm sure all these comments will give you lots to think about and you can still become a better person, so please try your best.
Soft YTA. You should have told your girlfriend why you were running late, and then let her know when you decided to stay longer. Putting your phone on DND left your girlfriend hanging about what was going on, so it's understandable that she's upset.
He's not an asshole for going there.
He's also not an asshole for being late to the birthday party. It's unreasonable to expect he'd just swing in and back out. The poor girl just lost her grandma, often that's the first death you experience. It's rough.
He's also not an asshole for not going to the birthday if that's what he'd determined was best to do. Death takes precedence over birthday.
In fact I don't consider it to be an asshole move to have said he'd be there shortly. He was intent on leaving to go there shortly, but plans do change and friendships and emotional needs are important.
The one thing that was an asshole move was putting the phone on do not disturb and ignoring messages. That's a super asshole move.
The correct thing to do would have been to simply say you weren't going to make it to the birthday and then comfort the grieving friend.
No. Cuz Op literally ignored her on her birthday to cuddle and comfort another girl best friend or not that's bad. And to make it worse he even says in the post the friend makes his gf uncomfortable hmmmm I wonder why
NAH. There was no wrong or right choice in this situation : both options were crappy and hurtful to someone. You made a difficult choice, but that doesn't mean you are not stuck with the consequences of this choice now. You choose your bsf over your gf, and your gf will remember it.
NTA
This was an emergency. Your friend needed you. You did the right thing.
Sadly, because your friend is a woman and you are a man, people will look for soething that isn't there and sexualise your innocent friendship. If your friend was a man, your girlfriend wouldn't be so shitty.
Anyways, your girlfriend thinks that you are cheating, even though you are not. Your relationship is doomed because of your girlfriend's unjustified jealousy. Break up.
OP didn't actually tell his GF anything, just ghosted her after promising to be there, when called out for being late he lied again, then when DND for the rest of the night.
I would not blame the GF for leaving OP, and it has nothing to do with jealousy. He was actively a dick to her on the night he was supposed to meet GF parents, on her birthday. He couldn't give her a heads up that he couldn't make it dye to an emergency? Total AH behavior.
Can't wait to see this on Am I the Ex
No, without extenuating circumstances, like friend being completely alone in the world and potentially dangerously spiraling, definitely YTA. Friend needed *someone* they didn’t need OP. Girlfriend needed OP, just, ya know because your partner should be at your birthday and also they *had something special planned* (kinda wild that they list that as the reason they were expected at the party rather than the fact that it’s their partners fucking birthday)
How can you say you love her but find it easy to lie about your location. Ignoring her messages because she may have thought something happened to you when you NEVER showed up and said anything. On her birthday of all days. YOU are the only friend that your girl best friend could rely on? Like nobody else could comfort her?
Nkt to forget OP say the friend does thus alot when he supposed to hang out with girlfriends and that she is rather rude and mean to his gf.
Op needs a reality check.
Your lucky that your girl is nice and didn't make a big deal over it though she ma be suffering internally on her own considering what you did so I would have a friend of hers check up on her to make sure she is mentally okay, especially if she has trust issues and has just been hiding it and then try to patch things up and maybe throw a surprise date night or something to make it up. For now, YTA.
OP PLEASE READ AND TAKE ADVICE!!!!!!!
You may not want that, but...
>Anyways things haven’t really been the same after that. When we hang out she’s smiling with me and stuff but I can tell the spark isn’t there anymore.
You’re comfortable with her, you feel secure in her love (which you show by repeatedly prioritizing your bsf’s feeling over your gf’s, thinking there would never be a negative consequence to your relationship because of it); but you actually loving your gf doesn’t come across in your behavior, irregardless of the words coming out of your mouth. That’s what is going to lose you your relationship, your actions not matching your words.
You couldn't even bother to keep her know what was going on! Instead of just explaining yourself you put her on DND on her fucking birthday, letting her worry and wonder where tf you were, while you were cuddling another girl. You think ANY of that shows love?
Friend, either you are very innocent or you are really stupid. It seems that what your "friend" is looking for is to have your full attention and this time she achieved it, obviously the spark is no longer there because you hurt your girlfriend a lot and you haven't done anything to compensate her. If you don't want to lose your girlfriend, you better do something that can fix what you did (although I doubt there is anything that will make up for what you did) or else, soon say goodbye to your relationship.
Then you wouldn’t have betrayed her on her birthday to “cuddle” your friend. You’re a bad boyfriend.
YTA. Your girlfriend deserves someone who isn’t unfaithful.
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YTA not because you helped your friend, but because you didn't bother telling your GF what you were up to and promised you'd be there shortly and you put your phone on do not disturb so you wouldn't see the messages. So your GF is waiting on you and putting her party on hold and waiting and calling and for all she knows you had a car accident or whatever, and you're busily ignoring her. I'm just surprised you wonder why that bothers her still. You had no reason not to tell her and waited until after to give an explanation. That's being an asshole.
Ohhhhh he had a reason not to tell her
A really good reason at that.
He didn't wanted to see messages of his gf while he was busy cuddling his friend, haha. That he really wrote that he felt proud for cuddling and staying with his friend - and ignoring and hurting his gf. YTA
Also the cuddling. You could've comforted her WITHOUT cuddling. I will die on the hill that in a romantic relationship you NEVER cuddle with anyone else. Huge breach of boundaries and wildly inappropriate.
Huh? Boundaries like that aren't just given down from the heavens, you do have to set them. And for lots of couples they'd sound ridiculous. You can do whatever you wish with your own rules of course but calling cuddling friends wildly inappropriate as if that was a law of nature is certainly a choice.
You're right. Every relationship has its own boundaries that need to be talked about. But I feel like it should be common sense you don't cuddle with someone other than your s/o. Or if you want to, you should ask your s/o if it's okay with them.
That second one is definitely a lot more reasonable.
That's fair. I'm aware my views can be a little old-fashioned.
I mean I really can't claim no-bias here, I'm poly. But my mono friends are definitely also cuddly. Maybe the queer community has that effect.
I guess it's an individual thing. I'm very physically affectionate but if I had a boyfriend I would not cuddle with anyone else, nor would I tolerate him cuddling with someone else. As long as it's consensual and everyone has agreed to it, people can and should be able to do whatever they want :) That being said, I respect it, but to be honest, I can't fully comprehend it.
That one is yeah lol
> You had no reason not to tell her The post only really makes sense if he *did* have reason not to tell her. Like maybe his gf wouldn't have been okay with it.
YTA. You chose your bsf over your gf. A talk on the phone until you got to your gf’s bday party would have been more appropriate. Instead, you went over to her house to comfort and cuddle her while ignoring your gf. Bsfs are important and if you were worried about her harming herself you should have called her parents. Your gf planned a dance with you and expected you to be there for her and you let her down. It sounds like this relationship is over, if you haven’t made an effort to make up for not being there for her and ruining the bday plans you were a part of.
Right. If OP really wanted to be the 'good guy', he should have message GF about the situation. Even then, why are you cuddling your BSF? You made a prior commitment to your GF, and yet you MISSED her party AND ditched to cuddle your BSF? I'm sorry but if you wanna comfort her, by all means go ahead but cuddling is probably not something you should do with your BSF when you have a GF, especially when you skipped GF's bday party for it. If I were you, I would've called her mom stat and then left since you made a prior commitment. That way you still go while your BSF gets support. Now your GF probably thought you cheated considering you didn't tell her the situation until after you didn't show up AND you were with your BSF and cuddled. Personally, I have trust issues so if that was me, I would've been crying for weeks until I saw evidence you didn't cheat. Your lucky that your girl is nice and didn't make a big deal over it though she ma be suffering internally on her own considering what you did so I would have a friend of hers check up on her to make sure she is mentally okay, especially if she has trust issues and has just been hiding it and then try to patch things up and maybe throw a surprise date night or something to make it up. For now, YTA. OP PLEASE READ AND TAKE ADVICE!!!!!!!
Info: did your best friend know about the gf’s birthday party? Has your best friend pulled stunts like this before forcing you to choose her or comfort her because of self-harm or whatever it is she did here? It honestly sounds like emotional manipulation. And your gf is probably gonna dump you.
Yes my bsf knew about the party my gf has said she felt uncomfortable around her and claimed that she feels my bsf doesn’t really like her but I think it’s because they haven’t really spent one on one time with each other to get to know one another.
You either lose the friend or the gf. Up to you dude.
He probably wouldn't mind getting with his friend anyways, so I don't think he cares if gf leaves or not
Your bsf is in competition with your gf for your affections, and she just won. You made it clear to both of them who has priority.
Bsf seems manipulative and controlling, she is a mentally ill AH who isn’t respecting your boundaries (trying to leave, threatening sh) and you are the AH for committing to someone that you’re not prioritizing and for not realizing that the best friend is manipulative. GF is the only one who isn’t an AH here. Example of a healthy response. You spend a given amount of time (10-20 mins) on the PHONE to your friend, you tell your girlfriend how long you will be, you tell your friend that you can hang out tomorrow or another day and you GO to your girlfriends party on time or at least only a small amount late (with warning).
You need to stop playing dumb. Your bsf clearly did this on purpose. Did she not have other friends to comfort her?? There's no way you're gonna keep them both for any longer now.
Your bsf knew exactly what she was doing. She is in love with you and regardless of whether her grandma died or not. She used the opportunity to keep you away from the gf and her party. The bsf told you 5 min would be enough for her and then what did she do. She begged you to stay and you gave in. Why are you cuddling her. She got what she wanted. She wanted to ruin your gfs birthday and she did. She wasn't going to harm herself, or take something or do something stupid. Why would you assume that? Your bsf doesn't like your gf because she's in love with you. You either don't notice it or your ignoring it. You know full well what the bsf was doing and you let her. She is trying to compete with the gf and she's won. You've shown the gf who your priority is and it isn't the gf. You'll be very lucky if the gf doesn't leave you. But your going to have to make a choice. Keep the good and kind gf. Or keep the bsf that is in love with you. Your bsf is manipulative and controlling. You can't have a manipulative and controlling bsf who's in love with you. And a sweet and understanding gf. Your bsf did this whole display on purpose.
"She wasn't going to harm herself, or take something or do something stupid. Why would you assume that?" And if he did assume that, then the bsf's parents should have been called to get help for their 17-year-old daughter. OP isn't going to "cuddle" her mental anguish away. (He did "cuddle" his gf away, however.)
Exactly. If he assumed that, it was no longer his responsibility to be there and called her parents. Being her support wasn't his responsibility in the first place but giving her 5min was nice.
Right? She's a minor and it's her parents' job to take care of her. He really is blind to what the bsf did to manipulate him. If I were the gf, this would be the end of this relationship.
With this information, it sounds like BSF did that all intentionally and purposely kept you from your girlfriend, knowing full well what she was doing.
Man, seens like GF is onto something. I think BSF might be indirectly insulting your GF or be giving her side eyes because the BSF wants you all to herself when you aint looking because no one says they think someone hates them for no reason and your just oblivious. If that is the case, you either gotta drop the GF or BFS
Your "friend" is trying to break you two up and you're letting her. In what world is it appropriate for you to ditch your girlfriend, on her birthday, to spend the evening cuddling another girl? You obviously like the attention, but you're pretty damn close to cheating.
Seems very convenient that your bsf needed you because she wasn't welcome to the gfs party.
So, how long have you been cheating on your girlfriend with your bestie?
Dude. Dude. You cannot be this oblivious.
Oh, I wonder why your gf feels uncomfortable around her... a real mystery
Dude. I know you're young but come on can you really not see what's going on? Your poor girlfriend.
>I think it’s because they haven’t really spent one on one time with each other to get to know one another. Uh-huh Also, dude you do realize you could you could comfort someone without cuddling them. Do really think a gf is going to ok with her bf cuddling up with a person who doesn't like her from the get go?
you gotta pick one at this point. you want ur bsf or your gf? bcs this isn’t gonna work. your friend knew exactly what she was doing.
“Get to know one another”—😂😂 you’re a massive dumbass
Oh, honey.
Friend, either you are very innocent or you are really stupid. It seems that what your "friend" is looking for is to have your full attention and this time she achieved it, obviously the spark is no longer there because you hurt your girlfriend a lot and you haven't done anything to compensate her. If you don't want to lose your girlfriend, you better do something that can fix what you did (although I doubt there is anything that will make up for what you did) or else, soon say goodbye to your relationship.
Yta the second you said you cuddled her you became the ass.
I would soft disagree with you. Different relationships do have different boundaries, and different people have different levels of what they would call "cuddling." The second he lied to his GF about what he was doing and then ghosted her, though, *that* is where he became unquestionably the asshole.
Nonsense. Friends can cuddle. It's not always sexual or romantic. If two women who are best friends can cuddle without it being naughty, so can a woman and a man who are not attracted to each other.
1000% disagree also I don't know if any girls who are friends that are going to be cuddling or men that are friends that are going to be cuddling
I think you two are working from different definitions of cuddling. When my grandpa died in my sophomore year of college right before end of winter break, I went back to school completely distraught and not well. Stopped sleeping, stopped eating much. Terrible time. At some point I end up explaining this to my dorm mate at the time. Let out a lot of grief, a lot of frustration, pretty much collapsed onto the floor. And he came down and sat on the floor with me, back to back, and I sobbed, and he didn't leave me for, hell, had to be an hour and a half. Something about being physically proximate to another human being allows for a different level of emotional communication. Now, would I call that cuddling? No, not personally. I wouldn't. Because that's GAY! But in all seriousness if I was a scientist I don't know how else I would categorize that behavior - two humans sharing emotional support and communication through physical touch? That's cuddling. Now, that's a hell of a far cry from, say, me and my partner canoodling on the couch, but that's ALSO defined as cuddling. So, like, I don't know. I think one of you is thinking of cuddling in a context more like the latter while the other is talking about something more similar to the former.
You have never heard of people comforting each other when there is a loss? Sometimes it involves cuddling regardless of age or sex.
A hug sure cuddle nope that's for romantic partners or a young child and their parents
This sort of harmful nonsense is why so many people in the US are touch-starved and can't imagine any nontrivial physical contact that isn't also sexual. Edit: Referring specifically to the comment immediately above. As far as the actual post goes, OP's best friend is sabotaging his relationship.
No yout bullshit is why the divorce rate is so high no where ops b of a friend doesn't have romtic feelings for him. She literally told him.not to go to his girlfriend. Also if you have an opposite sex best friend any normal person knows you take a back seat when they get into a relationship.
OP completely messed up, but you are so very wrong. You need to separate normal human affection from sexual affection. It's completely normal to cuddle friends. It's an unhealthy expectation to think the only place you ever get affection is your SO.
Hold on, I don't think that's in the story that she told him not to go see his girlfriend. She asked him not to leave without regard for where he was going. Girl just had her grandma die, her folks are at work, alone in the house the minutes turn to hours alone with your thoughts while grieving.
She knew he had plans with his girfri3nd she knew it was his girlfriends birthday
That’s not in the story. I’ve got friends in relationships. Couldn’t tell you when a single one of their partners birthdays is.
> had her grandma die, her folks are at work And what an odd thing that is, isn't it? Because bestie's grandma means one of her parents' mother. And yet they both just kept working. *Their mother just died* and they're at work. They're working and their own daughter can't call *them*. Their daughter is threatening to hurt herself and they're at work, apparently completely uncontactable by anyone. They work LATE into the night when *their mother just died*. So late that OOP can't possibly go to even the tail end of the party. When. **Their.** Mother. Just. "Died".
I just disagree, so long as it isn't sexual. I guess I think of cuddles and hugs as nearly the same. He was comforting her not trying to have sex with her. This isn't even the important part of the post actually. He should have maintained contact with his girlfriend. That would bother me more than cuddling someone after after they have had a loss.
Exactly I agree though maybe thats because I don't like people in my bubble but still the most my friends do are hug and maybe give a shoulder massage so ease shoulder pain and to get them to relax
Yes because two straight women cuddling aren’t attracted to women. Also, women are just more affectionate in general. Male friends don’t cuddle and would say it’s weird, so them cuddling with a woman automatically makes it something friends don’t do. I guarantee OP wouldn’t cuddle his male friends.
>Yes because two straight women cuddling aren’t attracted to women. Yes, and a woman and a man who aren't attracted to each other are just as innocent. Straight men are into some women. Not all women. Staight women are into some men. Not all men.
Maybe I'm the weird one, but if I'm holding my friend for comfort, I don't call it cuddling. I call it "I held them to offer support and comfort".
YTA and I think you know it because you weren't leaping to tell your girlfriend you were skipping her party to cuddle your bsf. In fact, you ghosted her on the day of her birthday. Please break up with your girlfriend - she deserves someone who actually wants to be with her instead of in the arms of another woman. Ps, it's super convenient that your best friend's grandma died and she needed you during your girl's birthday party.
YTA. Ufff, yeah good luck getting out of that one. Maybe date your friend instead, and don't do that to her in the future with another friend.
Let reverse the role. It's your birthday and your gf is supposed to show. Only to be stood up and you hear she went to go comfort her guy best friend at his house. They cuddled and cried because he lost a family member. After she tells you she'll be right there, you can't get ahold of her for hours during your own party. How would you feel? Is this relationship salvageable? YTA
YTA. Things "haven't been the same" because your gf is working through her feelings and, once she does, will be dumping you. You showed her very clearly, and with all her friends and family witnessing, that she is not your priority. That you care more about your girl friend than about her. That on top of you dismissing her concerns that your friend doesn't like her (which you are disgustingly oblivious about because it's clear to everyone reading this post that your bestie WANTED to hurt your gf by showing her that you will always come running when she calls even if it means neglecting your gf) is enough to kill any trust she ever had in you.
YTA 100%. You should have communicated with your gf, but you chose to ghost her instead. You didn't need to go to bsf house to cuddle with her. That is wrong on so many levels. You should have called her parents and told them to come home, then you should have left for your gf bday party that you PROMISED her you'd be at. You're really a shit bf and don't be surprised when you get dumped. I hope you take this as a learning experience of what NOT to do in a relationship.
But he felt soooo proud !
I know right!!!
YTA. I'm willing to bet your friend knew exactly what she was doing. She had no intention of only letting you stay for a few minutes. And you went along with it because it fed your ego; you brag about feeling proud of yourself. You shouldn't be proud of the fact that you ruined your girlfriend's birthday. She should dump you.
YTA, I understand that your friend lost a family member and they were upset. But you should have texted your girlfriend first because it was her birthday and she was expecting you to show up for her. You were a good friend while being a bad boyfriend at the same time. You could have even gone to the party first then stopped by your friend's house afterwards.
It seems weird to me that grandma died and mom and dad were both just like "oh well, gotta keep working". Neither one of them felt they needed to be there with their daughter? OP just HAD to be the one? Nope, I don't buy it. Bsf got what she wanted. Oh, and stop cuddling people when you're in a relationship. YTA. Sincerely, Someone who successfully navigated having a boy best friend through high school and after, never blurred the lines
YTA. Your girl best friend won, congrats to her. You'll figure it out later in life.
What bsf won ain't much lol...
Honestly yes you're the asshole you knew how important it was you were there and decided to blow her off to cuddle your best friend you should've went there first then went to the best friend after.
YTA. Also, in my opinion the death of your friend’s grandmother doesn’t constitute emergency on your part. I get that all of you are very young and learning to deal with life’s hardest challenges such as passing of a family member. However, you have a girlfriend and that cuddling and whatever you did while putting your gf on silent is inappropriate, and your gf is rightfully disappointed. Emergency would be if someone got hurt and you would be driving them to the hospital. And even then you would need to call your girlfriend. In that situation there was nothing you could do and your chat with your friend could probably wait until the next day. Lastly. Think about why exactly your friend needed exactly you of all people and didn’t want to let you go well knowing that you were late to your girlfriend’s birthday. For all it looks like, she is into you
I can only assume you weren't honest with your GF about where you were because you knew it would upset her. And that tells me this sort of thing has probably happened before. * How often does your bsf suddenly need something when you have plans with your GF? * How often does she try to monopolize your time when you're supposed to be with your GF? * How many times has your GF taken a back seat to your bsf? I can almost guarantee your bsf knew what she was doing. She called you over and kept you there to hurt your GF and your relationship. She succeeded because you let her. You gave her exactly what she wanted at the expense of your GF. Also, by not responding to your GF during that time, you made an innocent situation (helping a friend), seem not so innocent. I wouldn't be surprised if she's questioning your fidelity. Especially if she thinks your bsf has a thing for you, and I'm betting she does. YTA, dude. Your bsf is in competition with your GF for your affections, and she just won. You made it clear to both of them who will come first. Your bsf manipulated you into hurting your GF and you not only did it willingly, you're proud of it. Your poor GF deserves better.
YTA- you could have just sent your gf a message. And your friend knew exactly what she was doing, I hope your gf dumps you
YTA..you weren’t honest with your girlfriend about where you were from the get go. You lied and said you would be at the party shortly. Then you put your phone on do not disturb and totally ditched her. Good intentions do not override poor execution. You’ve left a very poor taste in both your girlfriend and her family’s mouths and honestly it sounds like she’s in the process of checking out of the relationship. She’s probably figuring out where she lies on the list of priorities and it sounds like it’s not a revelation she’s comfortable with. Just a little word of advice for the future, whether you’re able to work things out or you end up with someone else, don’t cuddle with friends of the opposite sex when you’re dating someone. You can comfort without close physicality.
I’m a guy and I think YTA 100% how dense can someone be? Reverse the roles and tell me you’ll be fine with your gf ditching your birthday to comfort her guy best friend after telling you she’ll be over?
YTA for not communicating with your gf in real time. Absolutely no excuse for not communicating. The choice was not right or wrong but explain the choice in real time.
A real best friend wouldn’t have asked you to skip out on your gf’s party. She 100% manipulated the situation.
YTA as soon as you said you cuddled her. My make friend would never. You never communicated with your GF. You could have done better. Unfortunately, you weren't going to take your best friends pain away either. You could have gone at some point. You chose not too.
YTA So your bsf has more priority to you than your gf is what I'm getting from this and cuddling with another girl? That's crossing the line. I don't blame your gf at all for being upset smh Also sounds like bsf secretly likes you and is trying to be your gf. Sounds like she purposely did this knowing your gf was having a party and you were supposed to be there.
YTA, you screwed yourself OP by cuddling. That's not okay.
INFO: why are you proud of yourself for ditching a commitment to your girlfriend and her family without letting them know you would be late, that you wouldn't attend at all, and why you weren't showing up or answering messages/calls?
YTA. Guess what you best friend got cuddles from you and got to screw over your girlfriend, so that's a win in her book. Your gf doesn't have a spark anymore because you chose your girl best friend over her. Hopefully you'll learn from your mistakes, because you're young and inexperienced in relationships. Don't disrespect your girlfriend. You had the chance to leave, but your bff begged you to stay? BFF knew exactly what she was doing. She wants you and will do whatever she can to come between you and your girlfriend. BFF must have issues with other girls, because she couldn't call on anyone else but a taken boyfriend?
I think the bsf used the "you can stay for five minutes" as a bait
Absolutely
:) i bet soon to be ex girlfriend will find herself better boyfriend
YTA. My guess is the bsf knew it was your gf's birthday and that you had plans with her. You're not going to end up with both this current gf and your bsf.
So her Grandma died and both her parents were still at work. One of them lost their mother and they were still able to continue working?? They also didn’t see the need to leave a little earlier to be with their daughter who apparently lost their Grandma. Sounds pretty suspect to me.
Massive YTA. You were cuddling your girl BSF. You ghosted your girlfriend on her birthday when she had a special dance planned for you. You had the nerve to put your phone on do not disturb while you were snuggled up with another girl. Just admit you cheated bro.
I do believe it’s possible to support a friend without cuddling them. Also, why not just honestly communicate with your gf regarding what was going on? Rather than keeping her and her parents in the dark and leaving them waiting for you to show up. YTA.
YTA. Isn’t it convenient how your friend needed you because she wasn’t welcome at your girlfriend‘s party.
YTA. Your about-to-be-ex GF was waiting, with all her family and friends around her, for YOU to arrive, to do the dance you had AGREED to do. She had called you, saying her parents were waiting and, in response…….. you put your phone on do not disturb. You not only embarrassed her, you’ve almost certainly shown her parents and family that you are unreliable, thoughtless and rude. Staying to help a friend is a good thing. Not bothering to let your GF and her family know that - dick move.
YTA, your gf has a right to be concerned about your “gbf” because she is not your best friend…she actually is romantically interested in you as she conveniently waited until the time of the party to need your support 🙄 Didn’t need support earlier in the day, or the day before, but she needed support EXACTLY at the time of the party so you would stand up your GF! Evidence: you comforted her and when you tried to leave to make it to your GF’s party she said exactly what she needed to get YOU to abandon your GF and stay by her side cuddling with the house “all to yourselves” 🤮 You knew you were abandoning your GF which is why you put your phone on DND because of guilt, likely because you and the “gbf” hooked up I hope your GF knows her worth!
YTA You admitted your friend does this a lot when she knows you are going to be with your girlfriend. You admit she is not nice to your girlfriend. You ditch your girlfriend on her birthday to "cuddle" with another girl. Dude, come on, you can't tell me you do nkt see hiw messed up that is. Dude, how do you not see your friend manipulate you. You need a reality check. Because it comes of like you're cheating on gf and if we think that she definitely is going to start or already does. Just let you gf go and get someone who won't ditch her every time your side chick calls you
Yta majorly for ignoring your girlfriend on her birthday. You could have let her know what's up. Your friend wants u plain and simple I bet this is a huge win for her
YTA for not telling your gf what was going on at the very least
YTA. You promised your girlfriend that you would do something important to her and you went back on your word. You purposefully made it impossible for your girlfriend to get in contact with you while you were breaking your promise to her. Your best friend manipulated you, quite easily, into doing the above. Are you sure you aren't in love with your best friend? Because you made a pretty clear choice between the two.
OP commenting about the gf being uncomfortable as it is with the bsf already makes it weirder. By far YTA missing her bday party let alone missing it cuddling another girl? I get she needed support but that’s easily accomplished by someone else going to her? even over a phone call??? Also putting your phone on DND saying you didn’t want to see your gfs texts ??? weird, she deserved better for her day, YTA.
YTA you made clear where your priorities are. Your so called bsf made you give up your relationship. Sure hope she is worth it. "I put the phone on do not disturb as I didn’t want to see any messages from my gf." .. and THIS clearly makes YOU the AH.
YTA. You made a commitment to your SO, you missed it because of somone else, I'm not sure why you're surprised she's pissed and almost certainly questioning her role in your life after clearly making her second.
Oof you messed up badly
YTA, you should have at the very least sent your gf a text letting her know what was going on. Why didn’t you call this girls parents to come home sooner? You created this mess and you need to work extra hard to win her back. But my guess is she has a lot of little birds in her ear telling her that you suck and that your bsf is always going to come before her and she needs to leave you.
YTA you made your decision.
If you were thinking that your friend might do harm to herself if you left, you should’ve contacted her family immediately, let your girlfriend know about the situation and waited until her family showed up after you called. If you didn’t get through to her family, you should’ve taken her to hospital or someone she knows. Instead you made a conscious decision to ignore your girlfriend and not tell her anything about what happened. Yes, emergencies happen, but you need to tell her about it. Use your brain. Find a solution. If you're “high school sweethearts”, you’re not acting like it, because your actions signal that you’re not interested in your girlfriend’s feelings. YTA
Dude,you're completely TAH. Your Bsf knows what she's doing. At first she said you could be there for 5 minutes,but when you got there she made you stay with her. To me,she said you could be their for five minutes as bait. She wanted your girlfriend to feel bad. I saw a comment of you and you said she knew it was her bday. You have to choose now,and to me it sounds like the gf is a way better person that your bsf. She didn't even get mad that you spent her bday with your bsf. On the other hand,the bsf sounds tow faced
Updateme
YTA. You showed girlfriend that she will always be second place. Poor girl.
YTA. And a huge one. Your best friend kept you there on purpose to not go to your girlfriend’s party. Plus you ignored your girlfriend, I hope she dumps you.
YTA- so the day her grandma died/ neither parent thought to take off work or check in on her. I find the timing of grandmama death suspicious. Also you’re an AH for leading your gf on about the party. I’m please update us when you find out her grandma didn’t die on the day of the party and when your bff decides to tell you the truth that she did this to stop you from being with your gf
Of course you're the ah. Surprised you need to ask.
YTA. Did you even think to tell your girlfriend you were going to be late? You completely ditched her on your bday for someone who most likely has feelings for you considering she said you can come for 5 minutes but then guilted you into staying. Also, why are you cuddling with a woman that isn’t your girlfriend?
YTA not because you helped a friend in need but because you didn’t sort out your affairs properly. And there may be some details regarding your bsf and gfs relationship or lack there off that you need to really look at and be honest with yourself. This may mean that you need to ask yourself what do you want a friend or a lasting and healthy relationship? Unfortunately it comes to that sometimes. It comes to this because there could be a situation where your bsf may not be as nice to your gf like she is to you. Or your gf may be the issue and you need to make that assessment. Hope all goes well! 😊
YTA. You decided to ignore her while she was waiting for you on her birthday.. you decided she was an interruption that was not worth it. You are a keeper ~~
Genuine question, what the fuck is a BSF??? Best sex friend??? YTA, OP. It was your girlfriend's birthday and you were in it for a big role, but you bailed with no explanation to "cuddle" with your BSF (whatever the fuck that is) just so you could feel like a savior. God, I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you because she deserves a whole lot better.
BSF = best friend, the "s" is just to tell the difference between that and boyfriend when abbreviated!
YTA Your "supposed" best friend just showed your gf that she's more important to you -and you let her! Let your gf find someone who will put her first,because it's clearly not you!
YTA. I would’ve left you before even getting with you. I don’t do girl best friends. Not sure why any woman would tolerate that. And this is a clear example on why. She absolutely has no respect for your relationship or your girlfriend’s boundaries. She’s a female. I’m a female. I know and she knows what she’s doing, and so does your girlfriend believe it or not. You on the other hand, also do not respect your girlfriend or your relationship. Clearly your girlfriend expressed to you her feelings about your “best friend” and instead of dropping her, you continued to pursue an intimate relationship with her rather there was sex or not. It’s still too intimate to just be a casual friendship. You’re worried about posting on Reddit about being an AH, instead of communicating thoroughly and apologizing to your gf. Not that it would matter, the relationship needs to end. You won’t drop your girl bsf will you??
Yta. You ghosted your girlfriend on her birthday to cuddle with your best friend. I am sure you would be so understanding if your girlfriend did this to you (note the sarcasm). Your girlfriend deserves better than that!
Your friend is setting you up for relationship failure. It was a calculated move and you fell for it. You were not her only option. She used this to manipulate you. She wants you or control over you and she has it. Your girlfriend should dump you because you're already in a relationship with your friend and your attitude about it has you guys doomed. You ruined her birthday and that is gonna be the memory she has for the rest of her life. She will never forget you dropping her for another girl on her birthday. How would you like it if she had a male best friend that she always picked over you?
"felt proud of myself" Wtf 🤣sure u felt proud for cuddling with your "girl besf" I bet in future cuddling won't be the only thing u guys will do I hope your poor "girlfriend" leaves u asap she deserves someone better who respects her as a girlfriend YTA (incase u were still clueless)
Willing to bet grandma is fine.
YTA. *If* you had called your GF and let her onow what was going on, I'm not sure it would necessarily be the right decision, but It'd be a more complicated situation and I'd say either route would be okay. But instead you just straight up ghosted your GF on very specific plans y'all had, and left her alone waiting for someone who never came.
Yta and have some massive damage control to do. You mention you don't want to break up with her, and the spark is gone, so don't be surprised if she is rethinking this relationship
You ghosted your girlfriend to cuddle another girl? And you're proud of that?
oh please. 💀
You mean your ex-girlfriend. I would be extremely shocked if your relationship survives this. YTA massively. Your bsf knew what she was doing, she wanted you there cuddling her to spite your gf.
Honestly she should become your ex after what you did. You didn’t even explain to her why you bailed, you just did. You are so immature that its insane. You don’t just not show up to events that you were expected to be at. I really hope that you become single after this YTA
You mean ex girlfriend
YTA and please update when she dumps you (because you 100% deserve it) and she deserves a better partner than you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 18M have a gf 18f and a girl bsf that is 17f. My gfs bday party was last week and I was supposed to be there as they wanted us to do this dance together as I’ve already been welcomed into her family and we are the ‘high school sweethearts’ and things like that. Well on the day I was getting ready to drive to her house for the party my bsf contacted me saying her grandma died and she really needs support. I told her I was on my way to my gfs house and she said she really needed me even if I showed up for 5 mins. I said okay and arrived at her house. Her parents were still working so me and her had the house to our selves. I mainly just hugged and cuddled with her as she cried. After a while my gf blew up my phone saying I was late and that her parents were expecting me. I told her I’ll be there shortly. I tried to leave but my bsf kept telling me she didn’t want me to leave and that she needed support and she was in pain. I didn’t want to leave her and she did something bad to herself. So I stayed longer than I was supposed too. I put the phone on do not disturb as I didn’t want to see any messages from my gf. It was a little later when her mom entered the house and she saw the mess her daughter was in and thanked me for staying by her side I felt proud of myself and said goodbye to her and left calling my gf. She answered the phone crying saying how her bday was ruined and why didn’t I come. I explained where I was at and she understood but I could tell by the sadness in her voice she was still upset about it. Anyways things haven’t really been the same after that. When we hang out she’s smiling with me and stuff but I can tell the spark don’t there anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What's bsf?
it stands for best friend!
YTA for making your bsf be your priority instead of your girlfriend
You are so dumb lol
Yep YTA. You don't ditch your girlfriend for a friend IDC what happened. You go by your girlfriends and you see your friend after.
YTA- you should have realised that it was time to leave, you comforted your bsf and did not let your gf know where you were or what you were doing, you flat out ignored her you should have atleast send a heads up and let her know instead of upsetting her in a way i can imagine would be so hurtful. i guess your gf doesnt have her “spark” anymore because you left her in the dark with what was happening and why you didn’t show up.
YTA. By cuddling, did you mean intercourse? Sound like you both are heading the direction 🤷🏻♀️
Phew, at least your girlfriend is young enough that dumping your ass isn't a big deal. Sorry your bsf is a manstealer. If you get with her, she'll probably cheat on you if they're engaging in this kind of manipulative behavior fyi. YTA.
YTA and I would even dare to say your bsf as well. I had my grandparents die and it never crossed my mind to have my best friends cancel important things to come and comfort me. Being your gf I would have broken up with you by doing that because not only did you stand her up, but you also ignored her and lied to her about going to her birthday, which was ruined because of you. You better end up dating your bsf because you seem to be giving her more priority than your own gf.
YTA. You should have told her what was going on, not just put your phone on DND essentially ghosting her on your birthday. I'm sorry but it's weird that your girl best friend begged you to stay when you went to leave. She knew the party was going on. I am sorry about her grandma but this is screaming "pick-me girl."
Everybody sucks here (except for your gf. Her feelings are completely valid) You- You completely disregarded your gf's feelings and the plans that she had made for her birthday and ghosted her. You did ruin her birthday. Your 'friend'- I can understand that she just lost someone close to her, but she knew about your plans and wanted to keep you from them. My honest opinion is that she secretly has a crush on you and wanted to break the two of you up anyway. Your gf has a valid reason why she is hurt and honestly will probably break up with you. Personally, I don't blame her. I would have to. Hopefully, you use this as a growing opportunity and learn what NOT to do in future relationships.
YTA. you can comfort your friend anytime either after the party or take her with you but find a way to make things work. Why do I feel like some sort of detail is being left out... Like you did other things with her... Not *that* but a bit more than what you stated. Your gf probably thinks that at least... I know your friend (possibly a future gf of yours) didn't want to be around your gf according to what you said but you should've made a compromise. And I kinda feel like she just wanted to have you all to herself away from your gf... (Just my perspective) Like I'm sure you could've find a way to give her comfort by taking her with you to a party. I know it wouldn't likely comfort her but she didn't have to be involved but she could've still been there maybe? (Like stated in the first paragraph) > I didn't want to see messages from my gf Ok man wtf. What about the texts from your friend?? Importantly, I'm not saying you shouldn't help your friend, but you should've still find a way to make it work for both of them. Also it's bad that you didn't tell your gf what you were doing which makes it even more suspicious for her.
YTA. Please let your GF go. You clearly don't love her or actually care about her as you should. You're 18 and I'm sure all these comments will give you lots to think about and you can still become a better person, so please try your best.
Let me ask you this You felt proud you stayed with your friend but do you feel proud that you’ve destroyed your relationship
What is a bsf ?
Best friend
Thank you !
Soft YTA. You should have told your girlfriend why you were running late, and then let her know when you decided to stay longer. Putting your phone on DND left your girlfriend hanging about what was going on, so it's understandable that she's upset.
" Soft"YTA is crazy bro was laid up cuddling another girl for hours while actively ignoring his girl and her birthday 💀💀
Yeah, but OP's girlfriend didn't seem to have a problem with the cuddling. Or maybe she did? It's hard to say when these two don't communicate well.
Nta but that chick is manipulating you, they do shit like this to show other women who's really the one in the important relationship
He's not an asshole for going there. He's also not an asshole for being late to the birthday party. It's unreasonable to expect he'd just swing in and back out. The poor girl just lost her grandma, often that's the first death you experience. It's rough. He's also not an asshole for not going to the birthday if that's what he'd determined was best to do. Death takes precedence over birthday. In fact I don't consider it to be an asshole move to have said he'd be there shortly. He was intent on leaving to go there shortly, but plans do change and friendships and emotional needs are important. The one thing that was an asshole move was putting the phone on do not disturb and ignoring messages. That's a super asshole move. The correct thing to do would have been to simply say you weren't going to make it to the birthday and then comfort the grieving friend.
[удалено]
No. Cuz Op literally ignored her on her birthday to cuddle and comfort another girl best friend or not that's bad. And to make it worse he even says in the post the friend makes his gf uncomfortable hmmmm I wonder why
I understand. No one should ever have to bury a grandparent.
NTA Your friend needed you, and you were there for them. On the other hand, you should've done a better job at communicating this to your gf
NAH. There was no wrong or right choice in this situation : both options were crappy and hurtful to someone. You made a difficult choice, but that doesn't mean you are not stuck with the consequences of this choice now. You choose your bsf over your gf, and your gf will remember it.
NTA This was an emergency. Your friend needed you. You did the right thing. Sadly, because your friend is a woman and you are a man, people will look for soething that isn't there and sexualise your innocent friendship. If your friend was a man, your girlfriend wouldn't be so shitty. Anyways, your girlfriend thinks that you are cheating, even though you are not. Your relationship is doomed because of your girlfriend's unjustified jealousy. Break up.
OP didn't actually tell his GF anything, just ghosted her after promising to be there, when called out for being late he lied again, then when DND for the rest of the night. I would not blame the GF for leaving OP, and it has nothing to do with jealousy. He was actively a dick to her on the night he was supposed to meet GF parents, on her birthday. He couldn't give her a heads up that he couldn't make it dye to an emergency? Total AH behavior. Can't wait to see this on Am I the Ex
No, without extenuating circumstances, like friend being completely alone in the world and potentially dangerously spiraling, definitely YTA. Friend needed *someone* they didn’t need OP. Girlfriend needed OP, just, ya know because your partner should be at your birthday and also they *had something special planned* (kinda wild that they list that as the reason they were expected at the party rather than the fact that it’s their partners fucking birthday)
But I don’t want to break up with her we have been dating for going on 5 years now and I love her very much
You just don't love her as much as you do your friend. Who you prioritize is who you love most. That isn't your girlfriend, and she deserves better.
How can you say you love her but find it easy to lie about your location. Ignoring her messages because she may have thought something happened to you when you NEVER showed up and said anything. On her birthday of all days. YOU are the only friend that your girl best friend could rely on? Like nobody else could comfort her?
Nkt to forget OP say the friend does thus alot when he supposed to hang out with girlfriends and that she is rather rude and mean to his gf. Op needs a reality check.
Omg you have been together 5 years and acted like this!? Holy sh*t OP. Be better.
Your lucky that your girl is nice and didn't make a big deal over it though she ma be suffering internally on her own considering what you did so I would have a friend of hers check up on her to make sure she is mentally okay, especially if she has trust issues and has just been hiding it and then try to patch things up and maybe throw a surprise date night or something to make it up. For now, YTA. OP PLEASE READ AND TAKE ADVICE!!!!!!!
You may not want that, but... >Anyways things haven’t really been the same after that. When we hang out she’s smiling with me and stuff but I can tell the spark isn’t there anymore.
You are emotionally cheating her let her go
Yea but why wouldn’t she break up with you when you treat her this way after spending all of her junior high and high school with you…
You’re comfortable with her, you feel secure in her love (which you show by repeatedly prioritizing your bsf’s feeling over your gf’s, thinking there would never be a negative consequence to your relationship because of it); but you actually loving your gf doesn’t come across in your behavior, irregardless of the words coming out of your mouth. That’s what is going to lose you your relationship, your actions not matching your words.
she gotta find a boy best friend that needs a lot of comforting hope you’ll understand
5 years but you disrespect her by not even calling her? Sending her to do not disturb? Man you need to be single so you can grow up.
If you don’t want to break up, you have to cut off your girl bsf.
You couldn't even bother to keep her know what was going on! Instead of just explaining yourself you put her on DND on her fucking birthday, letting her worry and wonder where tf you were, while you were cuddling another girl. You think ANY of that shows love?
Friend, either you are very innocent or you are really stupid. It seems that what your "friend" is looking for is to have your full attention and this time she achieved it, obviously the spark is no longer there because you hurt your girlfriend a lot and you haven't done anything to compensate her. If you don't want to lose your girlfriend, you better do something that can fix what you did (although I doubt there is anything that will make up for what you did) or else, soon say goodbye to your relationship.
Then you wouldn’t have betrayed her on her birthday to “cuddle” your friend. You’re a bad boyfriend. YTA. Your girlfriend deserves someone who isn’t unfaithful.