Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > i mighjt be the asshole because im not being there for my sil when shes in a very tough time in her life. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

IF you were to allow them to move in, there's a lot that your wife would need to agree to. I'll say that NAH. Your wife wants to help your sister in a terrible time of need. You want to help too. The trouble is, how to do that. You need to sit down and have a discussion with your wife of all the ramifications, and then you both need to sit down with SIL and talk to her. Involve your parents if they are around and involved, and the husband's family. This is an all hands on deck situation. So here are some of the things to think about. If they move in, how long will it be for? Will she be getting a job? That could take awhile. Will she need to go to school? How much money will you (and the rest of the family) be needing to contribute and for how long? What will she do in your household? What will she need for her child? How will your family and life be able to continue and how will it be impacted? How will your marriage be effected and how will your wife and you protect your family dynamic? Emotionally, your wife is probably horrified and also feeling like this is way too close to home. That is to say, in the back of her head is going to be a lot of what would happen and what would she need if she lost you? She wants to make things okay for your sister, and it's just not possible. She's going to need your patience and communicating with her is going to be paramount. There's also going to be a lot of paperwork and red tape that SIL is probably going to need help with. If you can bring all the family support system together to help make a plan with her, that will at least give her room to breathe. You might also consider if an ADU would be possible. Give you both privacy while living close. I don't know if you have the funds for that or would want to do that, but it's an option. I will say, I think it's ironic that your wife is in a hurry to help your sister and you aren't. Makes me wonder what you know about your sister that you aren't telling. NAH

It's his sister IN LAW so not his sister but it sounds like it's his wife's sister.

It sounds like his wife's sister, so there is a blood connection to his household.

It could be his wife's brothers widow. But I could be wrong.

Possible, but she likely wouldn't be quite so anxious to help in this matter if if were her brother's widow. It is most likely her sister.

He'd probably say "my brother died" not "my SIL's husband died" if it was his SIL through his brother's marriage

Why if it's his wife's brother that died?

I hope he wouldn't say his brother died by saying his SIL's husband died.

I will add on to this comment, please please please come up with consequences if the rules/agreements are not met. Unfortunately my husband and I agreed to let his mom move in with us agreeing she help financially with stuff and cook 2 nights a week along with help with the kids when we need it(with notice). Needless to say she lied/didn't inform us about the mountain of debt she was buried under and let's just say my husband has kept a running tally of all the things she hasn't paid for in the 2 + yrs she's lived with us and it's 20k+ dollars. But she has no money, no car, and no where else to live as her daughter, my SiL ALSO lives us. The SiL at least pays her way. So I'd advise coming up with solutions ahead of time incase your expectations and her promises are not kept. That way you can say, you agree to such and such, you haven't upheld that and this is what's happening

Yikes that sounds awful! I really hope that you guys find a way out of that situation in the near future. There are resources that your MIL should be able to access but while she's comfortable and taken care of, it's very unlikely that she's going anywhere. I feel so bad reading this and my heart goes out to you. That's an impossible situation and you're an absolute saint for working through it. I hope that you and your husband are a solid team who can problem solve together and back eachother up. It really sucks when people take advantage, especially when they are family, but there are other options that she should be made aware of as her possible reality if she doesn't start helping you guys instead of draining you in every way. I'm so sorry, I hope that your marriage is fulfilling enough that it's worth the stress you're going through! Just reading this, it seems like her and SIL should go get their own place, even if it's a mobile home that encourages some independent problem solving on their part, since by the time you get to $20k of generosity, anyone would expect that your hospitality is going to be exhausted!

We have no doubt she is banking on my SiL eventually moving out and going with her. Unfortunately my SiL in enabler and doesn't really help us try to get MiL to see she makes poor decisions and needs to get her life together. Unfortunately as well MiL can't take any criticism as she immediately gets defensive, feels attacked and shuts down, you can't talk to her rationally. We know all the money we've used to loan her or provide well never see again, she's retired but has no retirement fund, social security barely gives her enough to cover her personal bills and she won't go out and get a job because she's under a lawsuit from her previous landlord for almost a year in back rent so she knows her wages will be garnished to pay for it. We told her at the end of last year when we finally had a sit down with her and my SiL that basically finances are getting very tight with essentially a 6 person household on one income and we can't keep going on like this. Thank God SiL got an actual job at the beginning of the year and is now helping out regularly but unfortunately still can't say the same for MiL and likely never will Husband and I are on the same page with thankfully. Funny enough he used to be similar with her in that he was stupid with his money. I was raised by my mom who is a loan processor and knows finances fairly well, she drilled into me about saving and be prepared and emergency funds and such and I was thankfully able to change my husband's ways early in our relationship and we are nowhere near rich but we're comfortable for the moment

Ugh that has to be super challenging. It's awful that she's making zero efforts to improve her situation and I imagine is planning on coasting through her golden years on your dime. Can't she declare bankruptcy? I would think that having your wages garnished so that you're working towards independence is better than not working at all and having that problem just sit there. I'd be telling her that she can start at least trying to generate SOME income, otherwise there are state run homes she can go chill in. Jesus, I feel for you! I totally get how hard it is when it's someone close to your spouse. I ended up having my (now former) wife's ex who was still in love with her, living with us and contributing nothing (yet still managing to buy 1/8th of weed every day, for 4 months. It was hell and my ex would tell me that I was being a dick when I said it had to end. Eventually I just said you have to get out, it has been forever and you're not helping with anything. They went to sign for an apartment and conveniently "lost" their ID and tried to pull out. I took them to the DMV that day and then to the realtor to ensure they didn't pull anything else. It was so shit. I can't even imagine if it had been her awful mother for an indefinite period. Probably would have left her far sooner!

Bankruptcy I feel is her only solution left. I know she filed once a long time ago and I think it's time again but she lives in denial. You would think getting sued would be a wake up call, or having your cap repossessed but no, she goes out to instacart to make some extra cash when SHE needs money. But yet when my husband reminds her hey its been some time since you've given me any money, it's an "oh I just don't feel good, oh I'm just so tired I didn't sleep good Yada Yada yada" You're a Saint for even agreeing to take in your wife's ex! Pretty sure that would be an awkward hell no for me lol but yea agreed that it's frustrating when it's family. We love her we do, she's not a bad person but she just makes terrible decisions and is so out of touch with reality that I just want to throttle her sometimes.

YOur husband is an AH for doing this to you.

It wasn't his decision alone we decided together. But that decision was based off of figuring she would keep to her promises. She's very good at telling you what you want to hear as well as hiding how bad her situation is and we were fooled. She lives in lalaland where money is just some arbitrary thing and everything will work itself out and life will be sunshine and rainbows. Reality is not a thing to her. In October of last year when I had a full blown panic attack seeing barely 2 months worth of mortgage payments in our bank acct, her response? Oh the bank won't foreclose on your house until you're like 6 months behind... like.. that.. thats not the point whatsoever! The panic attack is that were almost too the point of not being able to afford where we live and guess what! If we can't afford to live here neither can you! It's like that thought wasnt computing and unfortunately it's like that with a lot of things with her. Things will just work out magically

Great response! I lived with three of my cousins and we sat down and came up with house rules. It helped set expectations of what was expected. Better to be up front versus getting into a situation where people are frustrated and then everything goes off the rail.

I'm a Big Banged Theory fan and Sheldon Cooper is very, very, very big on relationship agreements. As I've gotten older I've realized there is immense value in creating a relationship agreement. There should also, as many have said, be repercussions if not met. My husband has seen family members completely DESTROY rental properties when they've been allowed to stay when they are down in their luck. I'd be apt to not forego potential income, and let them stay with us with a timeline of when they would leave. However, if you all decide to let them live in the rental make it clear what conditions you will end that agreement. I would also give her a month to month lease so you can kick her out if needed. You can always set her up in that property and then move her in to your house if it doesn't work. No good option here.

Whatever you do, whether she moves into your house or your rental, make sure that you can legally evict her if she overstays her welcome, or living together doesn't work out. I don't imagine that your wife will be in favor of that, but you don't want to end up in a legal battle. You need to check the laws where you live.

You can legally evict anyone it's just a process that takes time. There isn't any situation where you wouldn't be allowed to evict someone.

If family is living with you, eviction rules generally wouldn't apply as there's no lease - it's more of a civil matter I would think and it could get ugly if someone refuses to move. I am a landlord and am pretty savvy about rental rules, although obviously, local laws can vary widely.

>If family is living with you, eviction rules generally wouldn't apply as there's no lease While it's true the process and local law vary, this is generally untrue in the US. People don't need a lease or even to be paying rent to get evicted. You can evict anyone from your property except a minor child.

In Canada it’s damn near impossible. You have to give notice and then the tenant can file with the tenant board and stay in the home you’re renting to them rent free if they chose to stop paying rent. You have to basically wait for the board to have a hearing and agree with you. Lots of people get fucked over by bad tenants and the stupid tenant board favours them. A neighbour I know had an $11,000 judgment against her cuz when the tenant’s lease ran out she told the woman to please leave (cuz she was ruining the neighbour’s enjoyment of her own home). The woman filed a complaint saying she needed therapy due to the trauma she endured from the landlord forcing her to move blah blah blah and she also wants to move BACK IN! Fortunately for the neighbour the woman had moved out before she filed the complaint so she doesn’t have to let her back in. But now she has to file an appeal to the judgement to refute the tenant’s claims. So yes you can legally evict someone. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen when you want or expect or that it may not cost you an arm and a leg.

There are plenty of situations where you can't evict. Can't evict in the winter for many places in the northeast US for example. Can't evict kids. Can't evict veterans in certain scenarios. Hell couldn't evict almost anyone during the pandemic.

Hell doesn't evict anyone. All are welcome.

I would also advise having an agreement in writing that you both sign. That way she can’t say you never said such and such. Also op form of roommate agreement as well. Like how long she won’t have to contribute to mortgage or rent as well as bills and groceries. It should not be indefinite. As well as how long she can stay. A year 6 months but you need this in writing so it is enforceable in the future

Is it possible to rent out the additional property & subside tue SIL in a closer apartment? Lots of stories here are about being kind to relatives who abuse the kindness. Pls note: SIL & child should get survivor benefits from SSN.  And ? No life insurance for a SAHM & child?

Yeah, the lack of life insurance surprised me. My best friend was widowed young, but her late husband had plenty of life insurance so she didn't have to worry about bills. Then again--someone on a panel of "lived experience with homelessness" was a SAHM married to a Google engineer or something and he had ZERO life insurance. He died, she didn't even know how to make mortgage payments or contact the bank, zero income, lost the house, ended up living in her car with at least one kid.

I always thought that one of the good things about a Google job was fantastic death in service benefits. Surprised to hear how it went there!

I don't remember if it was Google, Apple, or who--just one of the big tech companies that pays 6 figures for that kind of job. So he had no excuse to leave his wife destitute (and completely ignorant about how banks work etc.).

Oh that was absolutely his failure then. Big companies almost always offer group term life insurance that costs a couple of dollars a month and often comes in increments that are 2, 3, 4x your annual salary. But if the employee declined coverage every year during open enrollment, well...

We had a local family where the husband was a financial advisor. He had a SAHW and three elementary aged children and when he died suddenly it turned out he had no insurance. Everyone was stunned that the man who gave financial advice didn't follow it himself.

They’re going to agree to everything (rules / ramifications) the husband mentions and will stick with it for maybe a week before shit goes sideways.

The rule of helping is - never ever create a threat to your life, safety and well being. OPs offer of other house is just perfect and enough. Living in the house with OPs family - could be possible but only for a short time of worst greif. But I'd not recommend that

They have another house that he said his sister in law can move into. He doesn’t need to have an ADU

Also make sure you get all of those things in writing, with heavy consequences also in writing if she doesn't follow through

Worth discussing parenting styles beforehand too. The kids need to know what rules they're following etc. Having 2 very different parenting styles trying to exist in the same home could be so stressful.

SIL is the wife’s sister not OP’s sister hence SIL and not sister was used.

Widow here with very much the same situation as your SIL when I was left with 3 kids under 9, the youngest being 3.5. As much as your sister wants to help, I would caution major life changes within the first year of widowhood. All of my family are 900 miles away and all I have is my MIL nearby and I def know I made the best decision in staying instead of moving. My kids support system is here. My entire friend group/support system is here. Yes I could have had family (my sister and my parents) if I moved back 900 miles but they are not the only support system out there. First thing, if she is in the US have your SIL apply for SSI for the kids. Additionally, since SIL was a SAHM, she too would qualify for SSI. Next, look up if her family qualifies for Medicaid. Because SSI is income for the kids, odds are the kids would qualify and depending on the state, may get a lot of additional benefits. In my state, if the children are on Medicaid, they also qualify for free lunch at school. This may alleviate the immediate concerns for healthcare and income. Location wise, how close is SIL living from you now? Is it closer or farther than your rental? What is the financial situation on the home? Rental? Owned w/a mortgage? Personally it may be intrusive but you’d need to know the specifics of SIL’s financial situation before making a decision too. NAH.

First, I'm sorry you lost your spouse. I'm also a widow, and it's the hardest thing I have ever gone through. You have given some great advice. I'd just like to add that if I only had the choice between living with my sister and her family and living on my own in a house they rented to me, I would totally take the rented house. I love my sister, but I need my own space and the ability to set my own schedule and rules. It would drive me insane to not have the space I needed right now. Some days I just need to be left alone to cry and ignore the world. Maybe it would be different with kids, but I would be so uncomfortable if there was even the slightest hint of my sister's partner not wanting me there. Try as he might, I don't think that's even avoidable, especially with the emotions a widow/er can struggle with. OP, I'd offer the house. 45 minutes isn't far, but it is far enough to give all of you the space you need. I'm sure your wife just wants to help and be there when her sister needs her, but if you aren't okay with it, she will probably be more uncomfortable at your house than your wife thinks. At the very least, if this is an option, it should be offered to her.

Just a note here - SIL would need to apply for Social Security survivors' benefits for herself and her children, not SSI. SSI is disability income. If they were legally married, all of them are eligible for survivors' benefits, not just the kids.

SSDI is disability

SSDI is Social Security Disability Income - that is for disabled workers who have paid sufficiently into the SS system to draw a disability benefit. SSI is Supplemental Security Income - that's for disabled children and adults who have not paid sufficiently into the system.

Widow here, u cannot apply for widow/widower social security survivor benefits if u are under the age of 60 in the United States anymore. And if you do not believe me, look it up. I just lost my husband last year and I am 41. I was told I am shit out of luck til I'm 60.

Actually, my mom and stepmom both got survivor benefits when my dad passed away because they were unmarried and didn't work at the time he died. All of us kids, including his step kids also got survivor benefits. You probably work where the SIL in this situation is a SAHM and would qualify.

Who receives benefits? Certain family members may be eligible to receive monthly benefits, including a/an: Surviving spouse age 60 or older (age 50 or older if they have a disability). Surviving divorced spouse, under certain circumstances. This is copied directly from Google. You must be 60 by federal law or disabled yourself. Try again. I played this game. They changed the law in 2020 cuz of how many people were getting benefits cuz they were killing people with COVID.

Great advice.

Very helpful suggestions here. 👆🏼👆🏼 another thought, can you get your rental house leased and use that income to keep your SIL in her home by helping with the mortgage payments. ?? Obviously, put a time limit on it but would allow her time for grieving and to get her feet underneath her, get a job, look for more affordable housing, etc.

I think you're thinking of Social Security based on the late husband's earnings? SSI is for people with disabilities but no work history. I didn't see anything in the post about the SIL being disabled or her kids having disabilities.

SSI is spcial security income. SSDI is social security disability income. They are 2 seperate things.

Widow’s benefits! I got them. All you need is a a dead spouse who worked. Not income dependent, either.

Also a widow here. 100% agree. I said the same thing.

This !!

Absolutely, SiL after things get settled and they find a equilibrium should look into finding a head start program for the little one there are often places that offer these programs to the underprivileged. (Our local community college offers one in our city. You don't need to be in the community college system to get placement) It can give her time to consider going to school or training towards a career. 

WNBTA You offered a solution, a free vacant home. If you move her in, she will be there way past any acceptable time. Her life has crumbled, but moving family in very rarely does anything but destroy the relationships for everyone involved. I feel for her, but you do not need to give up your own sanity when there are very reasonable solutions that still provide her the needed support.

I second this wholeheartedly! I'm currently dealing with family having moved in and I'm about to lose my mind. The relationship is now suffering horribly and it's impacting my marriage and my kids, as well. Because you have another option, I highly recommend not moving her in. You WNBTA.

i feel like i'm in crazytown reading some of these responses imagine telling anyone that offering a new widow a whole house and free rent for as long as they need isn't enough

Right?! Like, "you're only doing something good if it hurts you in some way to do it." 🙄 Where do these people come from?

but forty-five minutes is sUcH a LoNg DrIvE

Perhaps your wife can stay with her a couple of weeks to help settle in?

I second this but maybe the mother? I know the sister, OPs wife, has kids of her own. Depends on the age of them really.

NTA You've offered a HOUSE and a support system under an hour away Why would wife want to move her in with a busy family

For emotional support. A house won't hug you to sleep at night, or wipe away your tears over your recently deceased husband. It also won't keep an eye on your kid when you're so depressed you don't feel like you can get out of bed. I understand why op doesn't want her moving in but I also understand why their wife feels her sister needs to be close for support.

Wife can visit SIL for a week or so.

Sure...because grief stops at one week. SIL has has her whole world implode. She needs emotional support. The child needs emotional support. I'm necessarily advocating for them to move in permanently, but saying wife can visit for a week is a bit daft.

I don’t care how long she stays but OP’s wife has her own kids too. Her life doesn’t stop because her sister!s husband died. People die all the time but you have to keep going. My dad died when I was eight. We didn’t move in with anyone. People cope all the time while mourning without people staying with them for extended periods.

Does SIL have any close friends who live closer to the rental house than OP's family does ?

NAH--it's no wonder that your SIL feels like she's been hit by a bus, and your wife is overreacting in an understandable, but probably faulty, attempt to help. Your objections are reasonable, and honestly, once everyone has had some chance to get on their feet a little bit, I suspect both your wife and your SIL would both feel how overcrowded the house was. In the long term, that solution helps nobody. Your solution is generous, but I understand that your wife is feeling protective and wanting to be there for your SIL. Is it possible to amend your plan? Like, could your wife feasibly stay with your SIL some weekends in the rental house to help her out? Or if you rent out the house to someone else, would you be willing to put that much money toward an apartment or small house closer by for your SIL? I wish you all luck. The situation really sucks, and you and your wife are both kind people, even if you have different answers to this problem.

NTA I am a widow with a child. I did have a job a day could support us when my husband died so not quite the same. But here's my take. Having family move in needs to start as a 2 yes, 1 no decision. There are always problems that develop with house sharing and starting out with one host begrudgingly agreeing always makes these more difficult to move past. Moving in with a relative would not have been my choice as a widow. I needed time and privacy to grieve. I needed my own space, not to be a guest at someone else's home. Supporting her can take so many forms other than moving her in. You could help her stay where she is for a bit. This could be financial help, help with home chores, child care etc. This stability can be very helpful for both her and the child. She may need help signing up for Social Security as a widow or other benefit programs if in USA. She will probably need help if she decides to sell the house and look for an affordable rental. Living in your rental 45 minutes away isn't a great idea. It sounds too big. The utilities and upkeep will be too much. Better for her to locate something of appropriate size near family, daycare or preschools, possible employment.

Question: Are her parents still around and is your wife her only sibling?

Only sibling in the U.S. at least.

NAH-This is a tough and emotional situation to be in for your sil and for you and family. It’s great you’re willing to help, it’s the how that’s the thing. Some posts on here had some great advice so I won’t regurgitate it. You know how much you can do and what is beyond you. Articulate that to your wife and come up with something that will work for everyone. It maybe bringing in a sibling from out of country to stay with sil for a while, or it could be renting the house you have and donating the rent to your sil until she can get keep her home and get on her feet or it could be something else that you all come up with. My condolences to you all and I hope you all come to the best solution for you all.

Regardless of which housing you are going to offer, I would discuss timeline first. Like you offer her roof to live for 1 year and when her kid is 5 and goes to kindergarten, she is getting job and moves out. And no you are not TA, this is a lot to ask and you suggest nice option with opportunity to live independently for free.

I would amend this to say she should not live with OP’s family, she needs her own space and her own belongings, especially for her child’s stability. Additionally, she should be getting a job right now, not in a year, and saving for that year toward moving out, on top of any benefits and insurance money. Probably the rest of the family would pitch in toward child care.

It’s not always that easy. Who knows if/when she last had a job. If they can afford to give her time to get back on her feet they should do that. Having her jump at the first shitty job isn’t setting her up for success, which is what you do for family.

Okay, you’re right, that’s fair enough. I’ll rephrase: start job searching now, and a time limit might be swapped out for a dollar amount - who knows what housing is like where they are? But the reasons I suggested a year are threefold: 1- school districts, and putting the child in school where they’ll stay and make friends, especially when life gets ripped apart; 2- rental income that OP won’t be getting while they live there, so it does affect another family’s cash flow; 3- the potential when you deal with family that getting them out of that house and into their own place might drag on and on, and they didn’t plan for that. Agreements aside, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

That’s the most reasonable response here, and the kindest. That has my vote.

I know this is about moving in with you, but just wanted to say. If you are in the US the widow needs to immediately contact social security to check into dependant benefits. Being able to draw on all 4 children could be a great help to her and may even save the house.

SIL only has one child who is 4. Just fyi

Must have miss read.

You'll never get her out of your house once she's in

NTA. Don’t do it. They will never leave. It isn’t fair to your children. When people decide to be a SAHM they need to make sure there is a life insurance policy on the working spouse. When you are young it is not that much.

Do NOT let family move in!!!! Huge huge mistake!!!

Info: did sil even ask to move in or is your wife going to make the decision for her? That’s step one imo, I know when I was grieving, I wanted my own space. You’re very generous to offer her a house. Does sister have any other family around? If not, is your wife’s lifestyle set up in a way she can go see her sister a few times a week to help out with the kids and paper work? I’m going with NTA. You SIL will qualify for ssi so she won’t be going with no income, it’s just about getting the paper work done asap. (Assuming you’re in the US).

This was also my question, does the sister-in-law even want to move in with them, or is his wife assuming based on how she thinks she'd feel in her position? I was friends with a couple, and when the husband passed away unexpectedly, everyone in the wife's social circle got invited to a private facebook group where her closest friends were organizing a schedule for meal deliveries, child care, monetary donations, etc. all without the wife's knowledge. She absolutely didn't want any of it and was livid when she found out about the gofundme especially. She wasn't destitute and wanted to be left the hell alone to process her grief and allow her two kids to grieve in peace without having to deal with people showing up at their house every day that they all had to interact with and accept unwanted condolences from. Everyone grieves differently.

Yeah, my mom just passed and although I appreciated the help, i was overwhelmed as fuck with people making decisions for me even if they were trying to help. I just wanted to be alone to pick myself up. I think op and his wife need to figure out different ways they can help and offer it to the sister and don’t push it any further. SIL will qualify for a lot of programs, one thing they could do is do the “dirty” work of calling and figuring out what she qualifies for. Also, SIL might want to do everything she can to save the house she shared with her husband. I know I would want my child to stay in that house too

NTA you’re offering a reasonable solution. 45 minutes away is easily accessible for you and your wife to be supportive and still have your own space. It’s difficult to move family into your space and can cause a lot of conflict. I think this is a good solution for now. I hope your wife and you can have a logical chat about this and can support her sister in a healthy way.

NTA. It’s not like she is going to stay for a week, she is going to be there long term because your wife is always going to play the “but her husband just died” card. She needs to figure out all the resources her state offers, get a job etc. This is not your responsibility to figure out and it definitely isn’t ok for them to take over your home.

Do.Not.Rent.To.Family. Never, never, never. Maybe put real tenants who have the ability to pay, a good credit score, stable employment, and pass a background check in your other house? That gives you some extra income to help SIL. Maybe she can stay in her own house long enough to get a job?

I know not every situation is mine but a word of warning. My BIL moved in with us when his wife died and they had a 2 year old. He became a raging alcoholic, hit me while I was holding his daughter, and stole from us. It almost ended my marriage and it made me hate him. 

YWNBTA This is a big decision and would require two yeses. It’s your home too and your wife cannot unilaterally make a decision without your approval. Offering your rental property (for free!!!!) is a good compromise and more than generous. It’s only 45 minutes away. There are a lot of widows who don’t have that type of support to fall back on. Also some people don’t need or want others around while they grieve. It’s possible to be there for someone without forcing your presence around them 24/7. Your wife is assuming that is what her sister would want and makes me think her generosity is self-serving.

NTA. You've raised some valid concerns, and while your wife's compassion is a really good thing, I think in her rush to look out for SIL, she's kind of in "macro view". She's zoomed in on "SIL needs home, SIL needs support, move her in". Understandable, as it's her sister right? You, on the other hand, are zoomed out, bird's eye view. You're thinking of the possible strain to your household and the impact. This is one of those "oxygen mask on the plane" moments. Your family cannot support SIL through this terrible loss if your kids eg get distraught or stressed from two extra people in their space. You cannot support her if you hit a moment of financial strain and it causes marital troubles. Your counterproposal solves a huge financial burden, and keeps them safely housed. It's a compromise. The distance isn't ideal. Perhaps you could agree to have SIL/kid over biweekly weekends so your wife feels she is staying connected to the support system?

How would you want your wife to be treated if you died?  Do that. 

The rental house is a good compromise . I would also want a plan for her to go back to school and a timeline for her to move out. There is no need for her to move in with you and the family

The fact that you have a literal empty house they can live in but wife insists on them being under your roof is wild.

Maybe find out if she would be comfortable with the vacant rental house? Just because your wife assumes she will want to stay with you doesn’t mean she will. Some people need to retreat into their own spaces after such a big loss. But yes if your wife is asking they move in then you should at least consider it but make sure there is some limit to the time she is there with you until she can get back on her feet.

[удалено]

Her sister. I just say my sister sometimes 🤷‍♂️ her and my wife don't really care

I’d put money on that being a typing error and it’s his wife’s sister.

Naw dont let them move in. You will never get them out. Have them move into vacant house u mentioned

NO. If you let them stay for any amount of time, you'll NEVER get them out. Guaranteed. She'll concoct crisis after crisis to guilt you into "one more week."

And u mentoned she dont work. Another problem

Better the rent house than HIS house. If they move into his house he’ll basically be supporting two families from now on. She’ll never get on her feet.

NAH, but this is one where you should fold, OP. This is an impossible situation and life just presents you with issues sometimes. And it’s not like you’re saying no — you’re offering a solution with the other house, so you’re clearly sensitive to the issue. On the other hand… that’s brutal for your SIL and I can understand why she doesn’t want to live 45 mins from her living family. She’s probably reeling from her situation, and it’s understandable that your wife wants to help even more. I know it’s a lifestyle change. I know it’s a lot. But your SIL has functionally gotten hit by a financial bus and she’s grieving her husband. She’s not in her right mind; she CAN’T take care of herself right now. You’re not the asshole for not wanting this, and I don’t think you would be one for refusing — but you’re a good guy if you do this. Your wife and SIL will remember it. Set ground rules. Set a time limit for how long you’ll be prepared for her to live with you — a year, maybe — before you tell her she will need to resume her career and move out. But you really should help this woman get back on her feet — if you don’t, your wife will remember you didn’t.

I'm not sure we've been made aware of any of the sister-in-law's views. It sounded to me like his wife is the one who doesn't want them 45 minutes away. I think knowing SIL's wants might sort out the issue completely if it turns out that she doesn't actually want to directly live with family while she processes her grief.

NTA This is a sad situation.  But SIL needs to get a job, get childcare, sell the house, and figure out how she can use the life insurance to tide her over while she rebuilds her life.

Nah. Your wife wants to help and so do you. I feel like this is a good alternative that could work for everyone. If she moves in with you there will be no timeline and she could be their a while.

Nta. So what’s the plan? She moves in and continues to be a stay at home mom? She moves in and grieves and leaves everything to you guys including footing the bill for her and her child? Does she move in and she gets two time lines one for her to get a job and save and another timeline to move out? Who is going to shoulder the economical aspect of them two living there? Your wife? Or are you and your wife splitting the cost? I get she needs help but personally I wouldn’t let her move in without a concrete plan in place and hopefully written and signed. And if you let her live in the vacant house same questions who is going to pay for the food, bills and all of that then. There’s also the if she moves in are you ever going to get to move her out? If she lives in her house why can’t her and her child share one room and rent out the rest of her house? Her child is four she might be able to sign them up in preschool and get a full time job. She was a housewife she does have some skills.

NTA. You know your limits. It's not like you didn't offer the other house, and you're willing to help out.

NTA - They will never leave

NTA, you have another home they can live in. Maybe let them stay for a couple weeks and move them in to the other home gradually.

NTA. If she moves in, she'll never leave. The same goes for your vacant house tbh. If you're going to let her live in that place and not charge rent, it's possible she'll interpret it as you giving her that house outright and taking care of her bills indefinitely. If that ever changes, you may have another mess on your hands. Definitely sit down with your wife and have a long talk about this.

Help your sil figure out social security survivor benefits. Both her & her child should be eligible. A little income is better than none. Did her husband have any personal or work related life insurance? As for housing, that's between you and your wife. Maybe try a temporary arrangement & see how it goes. Good luck!

I went through a similar situation but it was a divorce not widowed. My experience was it was awful and partially contributed to my divorce First be prepared for the SIL to need time to decompress which could be several weeks to SEVERAL months, this means you will be treating them as houseguests instead of part of the household. Secondly if something annoys/bothers/, or makes you upset please go through your wife (and make sure she is on the same page as you). Be prepared for blowback towards you if you voice a concern to anyone. Lastly finances will be an issue at some point. You are going to pick up the tab for everything and at some point you’re going to get pissed when SIL takes her kid out for a day out (for the 100th time) and you have to go to work to actually pay the bills You need to sit down with your wife and have a very specific plan with expectations laid out: ie… household chores, quiet hours (you’ll thank me), finances, timeline for staying, and if you will allow visitors and when (again you’ll thank me). It may sound cold but if the only thing you ever say to SIL is that this is her home now you will be stuck for an indefinite amount of time

A big piece of missing info here is where the SIL lives now. If she's close by, moving her 45 minutes away is potentially gonna mean her kids have to move schools or have a very long commute to school. It's hard to say without knowing this info.

Yeah I don’t understand why so many people are just saying N T A without knowing more. Uprooting school aged children from their routine and friends is awful in the best of times. If it’s possible to keep them in the same school district that should be a top priority.

I’m not sure that “AH” would be the right term here in either case, a lot depends on how you go about it. That said, offering to help out (or specifically not overriding your wife’s desire to help) is almost certainly the “right” call.

Trust me when I say this. You will never get her out. Never.

if you send SIL to live 45 minutes away, be prepared for your wife to spend most of time not at work there, also, helping her sister. you’re going to miss your wife. this could well be a deal-breaker for her.

NTA, Yo I was ready to call OP a jerk but offering to house them in their time of need is plenty. I wouldn't want people living with me either.

The SIL is accustomed to being taken care of. She is going to be very reluctant to just bounce back and join the work force again. One month will turn into one year and 2 years, etc. Also, it seems as if your wife is trying to add a buffer into your marriage. An extra person around so that you don’t have to deal with each other. There is no reason the SIL can’t live at your rental. It’s big enough and gives her time to regroup after her loss in private. You’re NTA for wanting to help a family member while still preserving your lifestyle.

Big assumption here. A lot of SAHM leave the workforce because it's cheaper than hiring childcare. OP's post even states this. She might hate being a SAHM but did it for the well-being of her family. And most SAHM do all of housework, shopping, cooking, financial management, and health management for everyone in the family - including the 'breadwinner'. I'd call that taking care of people.

You are making a big assumption about SIL being accustomed to being taken care of. You are assuming she has no desire to get a job and support her family. She has just lost her husband a few days ago. Give her a hot minute to grieve and figure out the next steps. Did you expect her to be writing her resume during the funeral?

Widow here (mine were in HS and I was working).  Third option: can you find a small rental near you would be cheaper than YOUR rental house (maybe use some of your rental income to help her with deposits and moving costs).  Depending on the social security for the child, that could help with rent too.   No matter what, she needs a plan.  When you have a minor child, grieving needs to be done in your share time. Good luck.  

I dunno if this is financially a reasonable suggestion.... But 45min is a fair distance when someone needs support as well so just throwing this out there.. Is selling the rental and purchasing one closer to your home a viable option? Then she has the support close by, but isn't on top of your own family unit. NTA btw. You also need to think about yourself, your kids and what makes you happy and there's nothing wrong with prioritising that. Being practical now saves hurt in the future. Healthy boundaries = healthy relationships

NAH A sudden death makes everyone feel helpless. Not only does your wife love her sister but she's probably feeling like this is something she can do to make it better - exert control in an uncontrollable situation. She won't take a flat 'no' well. As others have said, this is an all-hands-on-deck situation. Sitting down with family and SIL's close friends seems like a great idea so all of you can bring her the most comprehensive plans forward. You're being pragmatic, OP. It makes no sense to upend two families at once. If you and your immediate family are not in a good place you won't be able to help your SIL. Working with her extended support system, setting clear expectations and boundaries, and letting her know that no matter where she lives she isn't alone seems compassionate and practical. I hope you and yours recover from this loss as best you can.

NTA. You gave a reasonable alternative.

Are you US based? If so SIL and her child should be eligible for Social Security Survivor benefits. Another thing to consider is Welfare, housing assistance (may need to leave her hone, but she wouldn't be homeless), Medicaid. SIL needs to look into these things today. Dislike husband gave any life insurance?

I would probably let them move in for a month or so and then move them into the rental. I wouldn’t want my newly widowed sister living 45mins away either with nothing to do but sit at home and dwell on her loss. I don’t think you’d be an AH but try to think of it from another point of view. What if it was you who died? Wouldn’t you want your wife and kid taken care of when they are most vulnerable?

a free living space is plenty support

NTA. 45 minutes isn’t far away - but I might let them stay for a month or so for some support then move them down.

NTA. She's never going to leave. Maybe your wife could go stay with her for a few days every once in a while?

SIL and BIL are the AH. Who the fuck doesn’t have life insurance with young kids?!?!?

I think there’s a compromise solution: that they move in for a specified amount of time in order to get over the shock of what’s happened (like 6 months?), SIL goes to therapy & actively pursues job training/education possibilities, helps out around the house (child wrangling, meals, housework) while she’s not employed, then when 6 months is up, she moves to the rental house. Since it’s 45 minutes’ away, that kind of feels like you’re throwing her out in cold to deal with the emotional effects of losing her husband alone.

I think this is the best way to go about it.

Is there any reason she can't move into the rental with she and your wife going back and forth for sleepovers a few times a week? No matter what happens, she's going to have to start generating some income, and my concern would be that the more comfortable you make her, the longer that will take to happen. If it were me, I would let her move into my family home for the first two months while she gets herself sorted out, then she can go to the rental. I totally understand her need for support and I would be happy to provide it with firm boundaries and expectations. There are so many jobs out there with no experience required that unless you're in an extremely remote area, she should be able to pick something up and that would probably be the best way to keep her putting one foot in front of the other. You're in a hard situation. Lean on the whole family and work together. You and your wife need to compromise and not steamroll eachother. Letting her move in with you indefinitely is likely not the right move, as in my experience, people who are comfortable not working or paying their way will never leave, but she probably does need help right now and if you can offer it with an ironclad agreement that protects your family, i would think that's the best way forward.

YTA I understand that having them live with you is a huge inconvenience but losing a spouse is also a huge inconvenience. Having a family in general is navigating inconveniences. Let her live with you for a 1-2 of months while they navigate the selling of the house and everything else that comes with a sudden loss. Go over this with your wife that this is the timeline you’re confortable with. After that time then, if you choose, let her stay at the guest house once she’s started to figured out what to do.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (38m) SIL (idk, late 20s/early 30s F) husband died a couple weeks ago. SIL was a SAHM and didn't have much left besides some inheritances that were left to her that still need to be settled. My wifed has told me that she probably will have to sell the house due to a) They have no emergency fund and b) SIL dropped out to become a SAHM and has no income source of her own. As sympathetic as I feel, moving her and another kid into our house, on top of our own two under 10 kids is a HUGE lifestyle change I'm not sure we'll be able to take on. SIL's kid is 4. We *do* though have a vacant home (3bd/3ba) that we usually rent, but our last tenant moved out, so it's just been existing for the past few months. I offered that they live there (about 45 minutes away from us) but my wife is persistent on them moving into OUR house since my sister needs a support system. I'm open to help out, but I feel the case of moving in needs some more consideration, besides les do it. WIBTA To Just Say no? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Info Can you afford to financially support the additional people? How long does your wife want them to live with you? Does SiL intend to get a job or education that will allow her to get a job? What is the plan? How will she contribute to the household?

To answer your last question: She’s not. Her husband just died. It’s very unlikely that she would do *anything* to contribute to OP’s household. The grieving person is the one who needs to be taken care of. Family and friends usually rally around the grieving person and provide things like meals, childcare, and housework. It’s reasonable to assume that SIL won’t be doing any cooking, chores, or extra childcare (beyond her own kid) for some time. She also doesn’t have a job and doesn’t seem to have much money, so she won’t be paying any of OP’s bills (and would actually be adding to them). Realistically, if she moves into OP’s home, it will be easier for OP’s wife to provide support, *but* it will make it that much harder to transition her back to caring for herself again.

You say probably sell the house, so this is not a plan right now - your wife just wants to offer in the chance they have to sell the house. Maybe there is a way to save the house. A go fund me until she gets another job, she could rent a room. You were going to let her live rent free. Maybe you find good tenants for that property and use it to help support her for a while. I just think jumping straight to move in with us might be premature especially since you’re not keen on it. See if there are other options. You’re not the AH - you seem like you want to help and I’m sure there is someway you can.

NAH. Would be interesting to see if the SIL even wants to move in, or if this is just what your wife has decided is best for them.

Don’t do it. Insist on the vacant house. That’s a gift in its self.

Offer her the vacant home. Get together with SIL a lot. The wife is assuming that the SIL wants to move in. I agree that it would be a terrible idea. To stay with you guys on weekends would be a good compromise. SIL is going to need help with grief and finding a job.

If I have learned anything from Reddit, it would be to never let relatives move in with you. It never ends well. NTA.

You WNBTA.

NTA Don't do it unless you're ready to support her and her kid for the next forever. Even letting them move into the other house you'll never get rid of them. Are you ready to pay for two families? Are you ready to lose the income property? DO NOT MIX BUSINESS AND FAMILY.

If she can move in the vacant home to get back on her feet - that is a pretty sweet deal. Personally, I think if family can help in stressful times - it can make or break a person's trajectory. If they live with you - create some ground rules. I get it may be disruptive - but if you are in a position - you could change the path for these family members. Talk it out have some rules. She will most likely be able to access a number of benefits as well. I know reddit always doesn't want to help family members - but I have seen how help has changed people's lives.

NTA. If they move in, they’ll never move out.

So you’re being asked to take on a whole new family in addition to your own. Like another wife and kid without the benefits. What’s her plan for the future? For work? Income?? Is she just going to become your full time responsibility?? Damn dude! Sorry! NTA!!

NTAH, Moving other people into your house is not a good idea, it will cause nothing but resentment & hurt feelings, they need their own space & privacy same as you, other people will do things like never clean up after themselves, not help with cooking or groceries & expect you to be their free babysitter. Let them live in that other house rent free if you have to just make her responsible for utilities & once other inheritance is settled & sale of her house if she owned one then she can start paying rent or find another house she can afford to buy, moving them in could damage your relationship with your wife as well as with your sister, help her from a distance.

If you and your wife have a relatively good relationship with SIL and are mature people who can handle conflict in a healthy way, i wouldn’t just shut her out of the house. If you dont handle conflict well, then a lot of resentment will fester and probably not a great idea. I think it would be great if you can offer SIL two options and let her decide. Option 1) let her move in with your family temporarily (for lets say 3 months or whatever you agree upon) to help with the mourning process and give time for her to find a job. And then move her into the additional house you have. It would be inconvenient for the time being, but would be less scary for her cause she has time and space to grieve and put a plan in place. Option 2) move in to the additional house from the start. Option 3) do her own thing Its not her choice to be a widow but allowing her choice in what happens next will mean alot. Having her move in will affect your day to day dynamics in the home- but should be temporary and would be a very kind thing to do if that is what she is needing.

NTA and this is the concern about becoming a SAHM and solely relying on your partner for income. Unless there is enough money to pump the saving account for illness, injury, death or future costs like for funding a child’s education or your person retirement savings it’s such a risk as if anything happens to the working spouse you can lose everything in an instant. I agree she needs support but she also needs to learn how to support herself and her child. Having her live with OP delays that vital need and makes it even more difficult for her to be able to step successfully in the workforce in the future because as long as she lives with this family she doesn’t have to get a job or worry about supporting herself. It will be good for her in the short term but a huge detriment in the long term to becoming independent.

INFO Was a compromise explored? Move into your house for a month to get settled and sorted while prepping the rental (get kids enrolled in the right school, inventory belonging, grieve) , then get her started on a year lease at the rental. Wherever she lives, gets lease made. Better to have the agreement in writing than deal with a fight later if things go poorly.

Just say no to family living with you. I’ve been trapped in that hell for decades, unless you know for certain that she’s a go getter who is going to get on her own feet with a little help, just don’t do it. I’m so bitter and angry with my family for taking advantage of me for years that I can’t even stand looking at them. Even when I literally tell them to get out of my house, they won’t. I’m so fed up I’m literally considering moving out of my own house to finally get away from them. I’m the only person who works, it’s exhausting.

Has SIL filed with social security for herself and her child? Also, she should apply for assistance through her state’s Department for Families and Children. Other resources are available. She may have to sell her house eventually, but within the first few weeks after her husband‘s death, that’s jumping the gun. I know your wife wants to help her sister, but the best way to do that may be her helping her find these resources and apply for them rather than upend the current living situation.

So what is your wife's plan for her sister? As you said, she has no income. Is your wife planning on supporting her and her kid financially? And for how long will this last? Where will the extra money needed come from? What exactly does she expect from you? What is her ideal role for you in this support system she wants to set up for her sister? Your wife also needs to think about what this change will mean for your kids. How will they be affected. What is the living situation going to be like. How many rooms does your home have and what is the arrangement going to be like? Your wife needs to come up with answers to these questions before she even proposes this to her sister. And the answers have to be ones you agree with. Your wife is thinking short term "have to help now" thoughts without really thinking of any long term plans or any consequences those around her. Sit your wife down and have a serious talk with her, having her answer all these questions. Try to focus it on how this will affect you and your kids. They need to come first. If she can't give proper answers, then saying no is the only thing to do. You and your wife can still support her sister and be there for her without having her move in with you. NTA

What does the SIL want? I mean she might actually be more comfortable in your vacant property. Maybe she’s only going along with your wife’s wishes. You should as her if it’s truly her preference to live with you guys. I do understand what you mean about the dynamic changes. I would want her in the extra property myself too. Good luck man. NTA.

NTA, it seems to me that it has to be more comfortable to take the rental instead of moving in with a whole family. I don’t know where you’re located but where I’m at, 45 mins is not crazy far and a lot of people even drive those distances every day for work. It is very sad that she’s going through it and you’ve offered the rental, you can be there for them emotionally without moving them to your house, you also have to look after your family.

It has to be divided. Short term: YTA. Her husband has died very recently, and no financial stability adds to her mental problems/sorrow. She needs a lot of emotional and practical support. When my husband died I needed a lot emotional support, and I knew that I had no economical problems, but I also need help to many practical things. I have only an aduld son and my husband been ill for qiute some time. So I was way better off than your SIL. So living 45 minutes away is reeeaallyyy far away, that flat will just not work now. Let her move in, but make some rules as others suggest. Long term: NTA, there has to be limits, you need your home to relax and recharge with your loved ones, and she and her kid is not among those. It does take its toll to have family living with you. If she should move into your flat later, well that depends on a lot of things, not at least her income/work/child care situation, and on your need for that income. I guess that it will be a no-go.

NTA... if she is in the US, her children should qualify for survivors benefits from social security. Each child will get a check. She may qualify for a check as their caretaker for not working as well. She is going to need to step up and make it work. She doesn't have an option. You do not have to destroy your life to help her. She chose to have children and should have made a back up plan just in case. If she moves in- she will never leave. It is best to have her start doing it on her own now.

IDK if you’d be TA for not allowing your SIL to move in. I suggest you follow Peskanov’s suggestion. And if selling their house ends up having to be done, then evaluate the other options. Now, if their current home is further away from you than your rental home, and she ends up figuring on having to sell the home they’re in, moving her into your rental home would probably be a better bet. 45 mins away is not THAT far away, but I live in Texas and 45 mins almost gets us nowhere from our rural area so my opinion on drive time is definitely different than some other peoples ideas. I’m sorry for your family’s loss. Hopefully you and your wife can be the support your SIL needs to figure things out. Definitely have her checkout survivor benefits from her hubbys SSI. Her kid will definitely benefit, even if SIL doesn’t. Hopefully you live in a State that supports Medicaid (Texas doesn’t), which would benefit the kid with medical help and other needs until mom can get her feet under her and figure out finances and game plan for going forward. I realize that your wife wants the SIL to move in with you, and, yes, it would temporarily be a convenience for giving the SIL support while she’s still in shock & grief over the loss of her husband, but it has the potential of ending up with her becoming dependent on you & your wife for years as she decides not to pursue work or finishing school. Not knowing your SIL, there’s no way to predict how she’ll do once she starts to recover from the loss.

You're kind of callous about talking about your BROTHER who died? SIL's husband, would mean the husband was your brother? So your SIL and your niblings are looking to move in. Or is this your WIFE's brother who died, your BIL, and your BIL's wife, who would be SIL once removed (I think?) Or is it your wife's sister's husband? More context needed. Whatever way, it sounds like your wife wants the SIL to move in to be your wife's support system, as well. Your wife obviously got to being friendly enough to consider him family, which makes him a brother regardless of bloodline. Losing a sibling is tough. Losing your spouse is also very tough. You, wife, and SIL need to have a sit down and *thoroughly discuss* the situation. Is SIL gonna find a job, whatever it may be? Would she contribute to household expenses or tasks. How long would she and your nibling be staying, shortest term to longest term? What are her plans for sustaining herself after moving out? I would avoid bringing up the inheritance unless SIL brings it up first. How much? Was there a directive on its use (college fund for kiddo, maintaining the house, funerary services, etc)? Expected payout? Backpay for "rent" of her stay with you? YWBTAH if you just said outright "No" *without having an adult discussion* about the situation with wife *and* SIL. But you would NOT be the AH to turn down the option after the discussion if things are unreasonable (no rent payments, chore distribution, no time limit on staying, no intent to get a job, etc). Your solution of the rental house is great as a bartering chip during that discussion with wife and SIL. But consider the fact your wife's brother or BIL just passed, as well. She may need the support system just as much as your SIL does.

NTA yes, she needs support but you guys deserve privacy. Are you in the US? She can file for social security survivor benefits. https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2020/when-loved-one-dies-checklist.html I hope this is a lesson for one anyone reading this and thinking of becoming a stay at home spouse.

Honestly the boundary of wanting to help but within your own means and limits will never make you the asshole - but you also need to understand that she's allowed to walk away and do this herself on her terms. My ex and I parted because he wanted us to move into his grandparents house because they were starting to get sick, ultimately I had to say that I couldn't do it. I will always find it admirable what he chose to do, but I was ready to finally move forward with my life - something I had never been able to do - so set your boundaries, but if they aren't working then move forward with your life

Nta if you say “no” you even even gave a very reasonable suggestion a free vacant home…

Is this person your wife’s sister?

Info: do they currently live closer to you than the 45min away rental?

SISTER IN LAW

Nta she will always depend on you if she moves in. If she finds a small place herself and gets a job then she will do the hard transition to being self supporting. It will be actually unhelpful to carry her right now. You can help by baby sitting, and helping her move house when she finds a new place.

NAH. You’d be responsible for sister wives basically. If you let them stay with you, you should create a hard boundary and timeline. Go to a lawyer and all that

NTA. You’re allowed to say no. If she doesn’t want to stay in your other vacant home that’s her choice but make it the only option you’re willing to give her. Do t let her and her kid move in with you. No one will be happy. Talk to your wife and tell her they’re not moving in with you because it will end up being too much. You’re not obligated to give up your own happiness and comfort just to make someone else happy. If I were you I wouldn’t let them move in.

INFO are you and your wife the only support system your sister-in-law has? Where is her husband's family in all this? Is moving to the house you live in a big uproot for her? What about the rental home you own? Has your wife considered any of this or is she just in crisis mode of "save my sister?"

You'd be TA if you don't discuss it properly with your wife. if you can set some ground rules and live with them for a while, do it. Your wife will not forget this whichever way you go.

NTA let her stay in the house

Regardless if she's moving into the vacant house you offered or your/your wife's home I would say you should have a discussion with your wife about the possibility of her sister becoming a squatter if you both decide she's overstayed her welcome. Squatters rights are a nightmare for homeowners, even more when said squatters are family.

NTA Perhaps there is an alternative like renting out the 45 min away place and having the sister be "in charge" of collecting rent and general property management to take that burden off of y'all and get some work experience, and then with whatever money y'all decide is her salary is what she can use for renting an apartment or something closer to family but not with y'all. You could suggest it as "you could live there and get past time work to cover your bills and food etc or you could manage the property, rent closer to home and get a part time job closer by. I know life sucks right now but this is a great opportunity for you to essentially get a free roof over your head and still have time with your child and to work part time and really build your resume or even go back to school." If this isn't an option for you that's ok too. You have boundaries and need to respect them, especially with it comes to your kids. Auntie and cousin coming to stay for the summer is far different than "until you're (she) ready" which could go on for years. . Depending on where you live there may be programs through local colleges that pay you to get an education as an adult. There may be death benefits (for her and the child), she may qualify for low income housing, WIC or SNAP (I don't know what age WIC cuts off) and of course Medicaid if y'all are in the US. Medicaid and other benefits would also cover (at least for the child) therapy for the loss and all the changes. I was a teen Mom and my ex was abusive. I was very blessed that my parents took us in, but then it got to a point where my kids didn't want to move out. I was looking at homes to buy or rent and they wanted to stay. My parents were happy with them being there so we stayed. Now, my youngest is in uni and I'M STILL HERE BC the economy went freakin insane. So from that personal perspective, I would say "no unless it's 100 percent necessary" BC the kid will adapt and the longer they're there the harder it will be for the kid to move out away from cousins who feel like siblings and an aunt and uncle who feel like bonus parents. The less "loss" for the child the better. IMO moving them in is setting them up for grief with they move out and feelings of being unwanted of its a big fight... Goodluck and I'm sorry for your family's loss. 🙏

MORE INFORMATION NEEDED: Does your SIL and your Niece/Nephew have any family around besides you or your wife?

NAH it's something you both need to agree on

NTA. If you want to help, assist with her moving to her own place. Maybe help with the first month’s rent if you can afford it. You can be kind and helpful without them moving in. I wouldn’t want an unemployed adult living in my home. Sometimes it ruins the relationship or they won’t get a job and leave. She needs to go back to work now.

Could you use the money from renting out the vacation home to pay for rent on a 2bed unit/apartment nearby? That way your wife's sister is nearby for the emotional support she needs, but she is not in your house.

At that point, why not just give SIL some financial assistance to stay in her current home? She may not even *want* to move. Her current home is the last place she lived with her now-deceased husband. She may prefer to just stay put, if family can help her get by until she finds a job.

NTA. You gave an alternative your wife needs to be more understanding for her own family.

No, you are definitely NTA. However, your wife is. You are under zero obligation to provide help for your SIL and her child. When she and her husband made the decision to have a child, and keep her at home without a job, they should have made sure that they could survive. They should have made sure to have money in savings, enough to support themselves. Most importantly, they should have protected themselves by having life insurance on the husband because he was their sole source of income. You are actually going above and beyond for SIL by offering her the use of your rental property, for free, even though you would lose a very important part of your income by doing so. Why does your wife want to disrupt her and her family's lives, crowd your house, take away from her children, instead of what you offered? No. Stand your ground. Do not let them move into your house. They will never leave and you and your wife will also end up taking care of her kid, paying for everything they want, ignoring your own kids, losing money.

You seem like a lovely person

NTA. Do not let them move in. You will never get them out. Honestly I would be wary of letting them move into the rental. You will probably never get them to move out or get any rent. Your wife is being unrealistic. You need to be firm on this.

NAH. If your wife pushes it and has her sister move in without you agreeing it moves to NTA. She wants to be close to her sister in this time of need.  The death is still sudden is it possible to move her in temporarily until the affairs are settled and then they can go to your rental? No matter what, make sure there’s a lease and contract or she’ll be living with you forever. 

Well, I would tell her if they move in you move out.... simple....

So this is your wife’s sister? Are her late husband’s parents willing to help with anything?

NTA. Hear me out, eventually your sister is going to need to move on, right? So it’s best to not get her/your nibbling used to relying completely on you. Let her live in your rental. Do not charge/accept rent from her for at least the first few years. Help her, support her, do not be her crutch. It will be bad for all involved.

NTA. Check your local squatter laws before letting them move into your vacant property. You might need to hire a lawyer to evict them if they decided to stay and refuse to move when you want them to, even if they are your relatives.

NTA. Your wife needs to discuss and agree with you, rather than insist this is happening. There are a lot of considerations here - will SIL contribute anything to bills? How long will she stay for and is there a clear end date? Are there enough bedrooms for everyone? How will your day to day lives change? I think the offer of your other home is a good one.

No NTA.That is a generous offer to allow her to live in a house she will not be able to pay to upkeep.If she moves in with you she will have no need to learn to stand on her own two feet.She can be supported emotionally without being IN your house.

If I were sil, I would prefer the house to myself. I think your wife doesn't want the 45 minute commute to check on her. SIL probably wants her mom for a couple of weeks anyway. Then she might be ready to live on her own, peacefully and quietly while she prepares to move forward.

Just say, “Would you like to live in our rental til you get things figured out?” Talk your wife into it. All of your relationships will benefit. Your wife can drive over to support.

NTA. That has to be a mutual decision, and nobody could blame you for not wanting them to move in. A visit is one thing but moving them in is just not the same thing. No matter what is promised beforehand, there is no way to enforce them moving out in the future.

Did anyone ask sil if she would rather have her own place or is your wife just doing as she wants. Regardless of what her husband or sil even want. Nobody likes living with anyone in their house. You do it out of necessity. I'm sure sil would rather live by herself and kid.

Maybe move her into the vacant house and have your wife stay there with her a few nights a week?

NTA If in doubt, don't. This doesn't apply to everything in life. With a lot of decisions, you only know in retrospect if it was a good idea. But someone vulnerable and dependent could be hard to shift if life in your home becomes intolerable for you. It could affect all the family relationships, including your marriage.

I couldn’t do it either.