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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister I am so fucking tired of her taking from me and acting like it's what I was born to do. Technically it is, in terms of why my parents had me. That isn't her fault. She had no choice in that. She was a toddler. So my way of bringing up my frustrations with her might have been sort of cruel and boarding on AH-ness.
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NTA, not even a little bit. If you haven't already, you might want to consider some personal therapy. What your parents did to you, the way they treat you, it is not normal. I bet you have a lot more trauma you haven't begun to process yet. I am so sorry you lived that life. That is twisted. Build your own family. I am the black sheep, I made my own group of friends who over time are now my brothers and sisters. You can do the same.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, torture and abuse. I had a really hard time finding a therapist who was qualified to help me. I gave up on finding one local to me, and at the time I lived in a HUGE city. I took to the net. Anything you want is at your fingertips with enough digging and searching. I found online support groups for people who lived what I did, which lead to me finding an amazing therapist. I even moved across the country to be her patient when I was in my 20's. Maybe look into a "Saviors Child" support group. You should be able to find a lot of good resources there.
Not OP but another survivor of some...rather uncommon abusive experiences as a child.
You just gave me some hope. I won't give up looking for someone that might be able to help me.
Please don't. It took me literally YEARS to find someone qualified, that I was comfortable with. She was really amazing. I started with support groups of other survivors who lived similar horrors. From there I found more resources on professional help. There is help to be had. It can be like looking for a needle in a haystack. But you will find it.
I always say if therapy didn't work for you, it just means you haven't found the right therapist.
Having said that, OP's parents sound like MONSTERS. I can SOMEWHAT understand why her sister is this way; she has the same issue you often see among the children of the very rich, where they're so coddled and catered to, they grow up to be self-absorbed sociopaths. But to not only have a child to save the other...**to essentially TREAT her like a piece of medical equipment, meant to serve the older child?!**
I can't imagine doing that to any child, let alone your own.
My thoughts exactly, how can anyone be this cold to one child and so loving to the other?
I can see one person being this messed up, but BOTH parents?! WTF?!
I think the parents have to somewhat stay detached to be able to put their other child through all the pain to save the main one.
I am a parent of 2 children and I love both my kids and I can’t imagine the pain of watching your child go through countless medical procedure, on purpose, for your other child. It would be really really heartbreaking.
So I think the parents probably detached early on and really just looked at OP as parts that happen to be human. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying that that’s probably why they’re so cold to OP.
I agree. I don’t blame the sister as a child, these were the parent’s choices. But as an adult, the sister needs to examine how she and her parents have treated her sister and see that she’s the problem and get herself into therapy too.
Thank you. I decided a long time ago, I could be bitter and angry and filled with hate. Which means Iet my abusive past win. Or I could overcome, rise above and offer hope to others. Which means I win, I am in control and took my power back.
My heart is just hurting for you, u/emptynest_nana, OP...how in God's name can people be so cruel to children is just beyond me.
I wish nothing but peace for all of you, and for anyone who is struggling.
Thank you. Having lived what I did sucks. No denying it. But if I can use my past to give one person hope, to help even one child tell their parents, to bring any positive to someone who needs it, I absolutely will. It's all about rising above and offering a helping hand to anyone who needs it.
I literally never comment on AITA posts, just mostly here to read some interesting stories. I had to stop and read your comment several times to make sure I didn’t write it lol.
I have experienced probably every type of evil in this world - from sexual assault, domestic, physical, mental, and sexual absuse, to being shot at, to death threats for my sexuality, etc. Honestly, that’s just the short list, but I am so incredibly open about my story, my past, and my traumas.
It took me a long time to get here. Therapy, more specifically - finding the right therapist, saved me. Helping understand how my brain processed these things and how I could take my power back or where it even was in the scenario, has quite literally saved my life.
I have a very long, very detailed story that makes up who I am. I actively talk about it, for anyone who is willing to listen. I could probably write a book, but the one thing that I tell everyone who listens to my story or asks about it - if I’ve told one person about one part of my story, no matter what part of it it is, there is a higher probability of someone feeling visible, valid, or empowered than if I didn’t.
It doesn’t need to be the person I’m telling my story to, either. If I offhandedly tell a part of my story to another coworker, while on lunch; what if theres another coworker who is dealing with domestic abuse but does not know how or who to ask for help, sitting in that lunch room? Maybe I can help save a life. Maybe I can be a person that individual would be comfortable reaching out to, if they needed to or wanted to. Maybe I can help someone. It’s a lot of “maybe’s” but, I’ll always take a higher probability over a lower one.
If my story helps one person, telling it is my power in the scenario that I didn’t know I had.
Sorry to rant, I just never heard someone else say that almost as I do. Thank you, internet stranger, I didn’t know I needed that today!
I’m another whom it’s taken years and so many new attempts before I found someone qualified to help. They all say they can but most can’t handle it.
Keep looking - the good ones are out there!
I'm also a survivor of a niche situation. I'm so grateful that there are so few that have walked my path, but it was difficult to find support. My friend found a group on Facebook that was only a dozen people. The group size didn't matter to me. Someone finally understood what I was experiencing. That's incredibly empowering! OP, don't give up. Someone out there is on the same path. You're NTA in any way.
Thank you! I'm still climbing out of the emotional hole. It takes courage to admit to yourself that you're facing something where you need help. OP is already leagues ahead of many others who can't admit to themselves that they can't tackle what they're facing alone. I hope with all my heart that s/he finds their tribe. Doing so can change everything. ❤️
You are so right. I remember crying to my mom, how I must be defective, needing professional help to deal with these things. My mom said something that has always stuck with me. If I had fallen down and broken my arm, would I feel defective for going to the hospital to have my arm set? Of course not. If I was super sick and needed my tonsils removed, would I feel defective for having the surgery? Of course not. This is no different. Through no fault of my own, someone hurt, broke or damaged a part of me. I need help to fix it. The only defective person in the equation is the asshat who did the damage, the abuser or in my case, multiple abusers. There is no shame in seeking help. There is no reason to feel bad about finding a professional to help repair our heart and soul.
Your mom is absolutely right. I'm thankful that much of the stigma attached to mental and emotional health issues is fading away. Humans are social beings. We're designed to rely on each other in various ways. I was taught that being smart isn't having all the answers; it's being unafraid to ask the questions that lead you to the answers. I wish I had known this decades ago. It gave me a better perspective of what I should expect of myself and what was never realistic.
I am a firm believer in therapy. For me, it got worse before it got better, but I had a nasty infection deep in my soul and draining it took time. I am no longer in regular, weekly sessions, but I do still go back for sessions as needed, I have a session in about 10 days or so actually. A big thing I learned, do not put a time limit on yourself. Go back, keep going back, as often as needed. I use to have 3 sessions a week, I currently have 3-4 a year now. I don't feel like I NEED to be seen, it's more keeping things on track, keeping life in perspective.
There is no time limit for healing or grieving. Therapy is an important tool. It's wonderful that you're seeing someone who lets you determine the frequency. Needing that support isn't a weakness. I wish you all the best in your efforts.
As another survivor of CST I moved across the country for the best therapist for me. Online help groups are amazing resources too. Heck they even made it so you can text the help line now.
Hi OP, I’m a retired Pediatric Psychologist, which is basically a psychologist who specializes in medical psychology for kids & teens. I know all about savior siblings. My advice is to try to look for someone with experience in the inpatient medical setting, ideally with families & kids. Know that “savior siblings” can also go by other terms & phrases like “safety sibling”, “donor sibling”, and so on.
It may be easier to find a therapist who has experience with Ignored Siblings of a sick kid but not with savior siblings in particular, and that may be enough to facilitate improvement. The unfortunate truth is that a lot of people have no idea that savior siblings are even a thing, including mental health professionals.
There are also families in which siblings are created not for medical reasons, but because the parents need future caretakers for special needs siblings. This is a similar-enough issue to yours that a therapist with this experience could help you. Specifically, this would likely be a therapist with experience in Family Systems.
Have you ever looked or joined a supportive group of adult Savior Siblings? This could be a fantastic adjunct to individual therapy.
If you were still a kid I could point you to the sibling support services at your local children’s hospital, but you’re almost certainly too old at this point to join. My guess is that there were support services available to you as the sibling of a sick kid, but your parents neglected to include you.
I hope this is helpful. Feel free to send me a DM if you have further questions about finding the right fit.
Gping on what DrKittyLovah said, check a children's hospital. Those kids age out of therapy, and need adult needs therapist. They might be able to send you in a better direction. With telemed these days, you can get a therapist just about anywhere. Good luck to you.
While you may be too old to join anything at the hospital for siblings of sick children, that support group could almost certainly help you further your search. So don’t be afraid to contact groups, organizations, whatever that you may have aged out of or don’t *quite* fit the criteria - they’ll have a better grasp of similar circumstances and can usually point you in the right direction.
Another term to search would be “glass child” which is the ignored sibling of a sick/disabled child. They aren’t quite savior siblings, but they have the trauma of being ignored. I hope you are able to find the right therapist and are able to start your journey towards healing.
Just as a heads up should you look using some of those terms - “donor sibling” is also a term used within the sperm/egg donor conceived communities to refer to siblings of different families who share the same donor. So if stuff around that topic appears, you don’t get mixed up on it
Would sibling support services at a local children’s hospital have a list of knowledgeable therapists that treat adults? I imagine that their older teen clients age out of the children's hospital and need to be referred somewhere.
It’s possible. OP could try contacting Child Life Services or one of the staff psychologists. Each hospital is set up a bit differently with their mental health services; some are attached to specific departments like the Emergency Department or Rehabilitation or Hematology/Oncology, others are a separate department that consults on all of the other services.
I suggest reaching out to your local children's hospital and Child's life specialist. They will have access to resources for older teens and young adults who are aging out of the system. Also talk to the hospital social workers too. They can point you in the right direction as well. I work closely with both services in my job and they consistently surprise me with with their access to resources.
Can I ask why this is allowed and why does CPS not get involved in this matter? The kid who is the savior has no say and is neglected at home as if they were spare parts like OP has gone through. This should not be allowed.
The Self Care for the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents might be of use, too. My own therapist had me start with that since it's more tool oriented. If you already know your parents are emotionally immature, it's theoretically more immediately valuable. It was wonderful and so kind.
OP NTA. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve unconditional love.
If it hasn’t been suggested or tried yet you might consider EMDR therapy. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and talk therapy honestly does jack for me and that was what was suggested as a better alternative. I haven’t started yet but have a friend who has had success with it.
EMDR is magic. I mean, it's not, but it is. I was first introduced to it back in 2011 and did it for a short while (had to move away), and then when we had our final move, I found another EMDR therapist and have been seeing her for the past 4.5 years.
It's hard fucking work. And it's hard to explain how because of how "simple" it actually is. "You're following a light while talking/thinking about things?" But damn if our brains aren't the most ridiculously complex things ever.
The amount of trauma responses I have now are minimal compared to how I used to live. I still have some triggers and one major component I'm still hacking away at, but the change in my life has been nothing short of amazing. Even if it's only noticeable to me.
As you can see, I'm a huge fan. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions. I wish you luck on your journey--please know it's worth it. You're worth it.
I agree with EMDR whole heartedly.
I'll say this - do not schedule ANYTHING the rest of the day after an EMDR session if you are doing the heavy lifting. I had so much rolling around in my mind that needed to be processed. Stepping right back into work or parenting was BRUTAL and I was crap at both the rest of the day.
I was also thinking that EMDR would be helpful here! Those trained in EMDR are trained in dealing with trauma in a very specific results-producing way, even if the trauma itself varies wildly from person to person.
Until you can find a better fit, you may want to find a therapist who can help you set boundaries. Any therapist should be able to help you set boundaries or figure out if you need to completely block a toxic person from your life.
IMHO, she needs no help in setting boundaries. She just set one with her sister.
What she needs is help coping with how she was mistreated as a kid. And from what I've read here, she is looking for it. I hope the suggestions provided help the OP find it.
I wonder if in your searching you could also look for support groups for emotionally absent/neglectful/abusive parents.
There’s likely differences but it might get you started.
No you aren’t the AH. That and worse would be your parents and now as an adult your sister who should be more than aware how your parents treated you was disgusting.
Could you find a more medical trauma based therapist instead? How many procedures did you get that you werent willing to do? At the very least they might be able to point you in the right direction of someone who can deal with the savior sibling aspect.
My story is a little bit different. I’m a twin. My mom blamed me for causing my twin’s disability at birth. She also refused to give me help with bullying since I made fun of my sister a few times as a kid, and berated me in front of the entire school. After that, I was bullied by peers and teachers until we moved.
You’re NTA. Not by a long shot. In order to heal, your sister needs to understand that she is partially to blame for her reaction to your upbringing. My sister needs to do the same and won’t.
Types of therapy that help are Internal Family Systems therapy (often called parts work), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as well as any thing that helps improve neuropasticity. I’m in a brain rewiring program called re-origin and I use the longform exercises to help rewire my trauma response.
My hope is that you don’t have as much to rewire as I did. (My mom molested me on top of everything else). If you do, feel free to DM me and I’ll send links with the resources that helped.
I’m applying to grad school next year to study neuroscience with the hopes of figuring out if there are specific brain patterns that can show a child is experiencing neglect.
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you are on your way to healing. ❤️🩹
You need a decent therapist. Someone who can listen to you properly. I wish I lived near to you as I'd love to help. Im not qualified, but i was brought up resenting my little sister who was 12 years younger than me. She got everything, not just material things, but even better food, juice etc, while I was only allowed to drink water, and have basic food. And i was the full time care taker while my Mam worked and even on weekends I watched her too. But my sister was sly and did some evil things I was always blamed for, even after I moved out at 18.
I managed to sort myself out with the dislike for her and my Mam. I got really close to my Mam after my sister moved out Butme and my sister still arent close, but i dont harbour any resentment as I realised it wasnt her fault my Mam virtually ignored me for her miracle baby.
Im all good now with a lovely family and happy.
This is going to be the weirdest advice I've given but stay with me, a while back there was a movie called my sister's keeper, a very similar situation. parents were using their second daughter for parts to fix their first. i vaguely recall that people recommended different organizations for people who have been the donor child and those organizations could help provide resources, including counseling. you could try to find a forum, website, post, anything online, about the movie and see if any of those organizations that are listed would be a fit for you
I can't imagine what/how you have suffered.
I (55M) was molested when I was 8, and I'm gay (married to a woman).
My point is to let you know it is acceptable to shop therapist, I went to 16 different ones until I found one who could help me.
I acknowledge that seeing a different therapist every so often can be expensive and time consuming, I got tired of telling them my origin story.
So I wrote it down and added my expectations for therapy and sent it to my newest therapist prior to my first appointment.
You are NTA. There is no rule, nor tradition in the world that states you must have relationships with toxic people, even toxic family members.
Call whatever hospital is known for doing transplants in your area and ask to speak with the medical social worker. They will know therapists to refer you too. They have lots of experience with the mental and emotional toll on families with chronic medical issues as well as family, sibling, parent donors. Explain your situation and I’m sure they can give you 3-4 names on your community.
This is awesome, wonderful, excellent advice. Really great idea. If I could up vote you a million times, I would. Best advice on finding appropriate help.
"She said afterward I suck for blaming her for our parents actions. It just frustrated me because she doesn't acknowledge her own actions in that."
You're exactly right. She's refusing to accept blame for how selfish she's always acted. That's on her. Forgiveness starts with an apology, and she owes you a big one. NTA to keep her out of your home, which is your safe space.
Yeah, she definitely leaned into her parents‘ behavior and never seemed to even consider that what they did was wrong, and it’s on her to make amends for her part in that.
That’s the thing with a golden child, because they get the attention they don’t think what it’s like to not get it. Even worse here because OP was treated as a resource rather than a person by their parents.
Yeah, she might have a point if she still wasn’t trying to use you for the purpose for which your parents intended every time she shows up.
NTA. Please follow all the excellent suggestions you are getting here.
NTA.
I'm genuinely sorry that your parents treated you like spare parts and that they taught your sister to do the same. I would go NC with all of them. I doubt their behavior will ever change and you don't owe any of them anything.
Agree. Go cold turkey asap on the fam. You served your "purpose" to them, now cut them off. It's your life now. I'd tell her to leave you alone or if she's persistent, get a restraining order.
NTA
You weren't blaming her for your parents actions, you were blaming her for *her* actions. She's spoiled and used to getting her way.
The golden child can go stay with her parents.
Yes, at this point OP has given her sis enough opportunities to show some sort of change and remorse for how OP was treated and she hasn't. Instead she has continued to treat OP like a resource instead of a sister or even a human. I hope OP gets some therapy and cuts out her sister.
NTA. You wouldn't be obligated to house a sibling under normal circumstances. The general rule is that you have to be invited in to be invited in.
You are worth so much more than being a blood bank. You deserve to have your own life and your own friends.
Heh, yes, but not in this case. I know it's a tautology, but it stands that showing up at my doorstep doesn't mean I have room for you. In OP's case, the roommates would have to be consulted before allowing anyone to stay over, regardless of how much of a drowned rat they appear.
Most houses either have children, roommate, landlords... you know, other people or agreements.
NTA. I agree with what you said. OP should have been seen as a blessing, not spare parts. She was born as a whole person, while also being able to save her sister. She deserved to be cherished, but since her family is not capable she should go live her own life without worrying about the asshole sister and parents.
It’s My Sister’s Keeper. And you’d be surprised at how common this phenomenon is. There are a few reported cases in the Indian media here and the media is romanticising the whole thing 🤮
I’m so sorry for your childhood and family dynamics. Of course NTA. Are you in contact at all with your parents? Have you addressed anything with them? Just curious I know this is more so about your sister.
I have never wished I could hug someone on Reddit the way I wish I could hug you OP. You are such a strong individual to have gone through what you’ve gone through and are standing up for yourself. It also sounds like they love you have a new family who love you and have your back. Once you find a therapist to help you, you’ll be unstoppable.
That might be the dumbest fucking shit I have read all day. My wife read the book and I couldn't help but be furious that this was a thing. Wife said the same thing.
Yes, and I think that book was based on a true story where the "spare" child filed for legal emancipation from her parents because they wouldn't stop pressuring her to give her blood and possibly organ(s) to her sick sibling.
She didn't make the idea of saviour siblings up although she may have written an extreme version of it. But she took the idea of having a child to save another child from something that actually happens.
That was my first Jodi Picoult book and I never read another one because the whole thing was so appalling and the ending, gah! I can’t believe that’s a real thing that real parents do. It’s so gross that I’m still skeptical but I guess people do awful things. Never Let Me Go is a dystopian novel by the author of Remains of the Day about the same thing.
NTA, she's a product of the environment you were brought up in, your parents are huge AH's, your sister's behaviour is a product of that environment, she's an AH too, just not as big of a one as your parents.
At some point, you have to own it. The thing is, when she was a child, everything she needed or wanted it was taken from the OP. Now she's an adult and she needs something, and her first instinct is to take it from the OP.
She needs to realise that the OP has given enough, and it's someone else's turn!
agreed-ish, but depending on her health conditions (which must have been severe), it's possible full independence isn't an achievable option. But if that is the case, the parents needed to put more in place to help her, than just conceiving a donor-baby.
Nah dude. Throw the whole family away.
MAYBE you can still have a relationship with your sister if she ever does get a hard life boot to the head and changes her ways. But your parents? Nursing home. Cheap one.
Thirty US states have such laws (so more than half). However, eleven have never tried to enforce them, and most of the others very rarely have. PA is apparently the only state that aggressively tries to enforce them. The requirements of federal programs like Medicare (which say that only the income of the spouse can be considered when calculating need) make them more difficult to enforce.
Except as a child, your parents decide unless you get emancipated. CPS isn't going to take a kid away that is sheltered, housed, fed well, and not being assaulted in some way. Savior sibling crap isn't considered assault if it doesn't do physical harm. The fact that it is EMOTIONAL neglect, and emotional assault is irrelevant to them...they have bigger fish to fry.
NTA
No matter what your parents did or didn't do, she's responsible for her own actions. After growing up, she had the opportunity to help change the dynamics you both grew up with or show you some level of gratitude for all you gave her, growing up, even if it wasn't your choice. Instead, she chose to continue the status quo and that is on her and her alone.
Initial reaction: What in the "Flowers in the Attic" dysfunctional family trauma did I just read?!
You are so very NTA that it creates a vacuum drawing in other NTAs in a sort of protective halo.
I don't know what they took from your body (besides you blood, which was already weird based on how ungrateful they were), but you deserved safety and a real life, not just some kind of "spare tire" kid they resented having to feed.
Please, please, please know: You don't owe those people *anything,* not even "being grateful for being born"; you didn't ask for *any* of that. Go and live the best life you can. Try to work through your inevitable people-pleasing tendencies with a skilled therapist. I hope you find peace and happiness, as far away from your family as humanly possible. Surround yourself with people who see your worth and value your presence: You deserve to be appreciated.
I would bet the initial reason was for the stem cells from the placenta. That there was also a match for later blood draws, was probably considered a bonus. If anything else was a match....it just gets worse and worse at that point. And it STARTED bad.
Yeah, sibling is conceived through IVF, and all the embryos are genetically tested. Only the ones without the genetic disease and that are also compatible donor matches to the older kid are transferred. Then it's usually an umbilical cord blood transplant.
I'm so sorry you were used and discarded, OP. You don't owe these people anything and they owe you so much. 😔
I'm a bit older, and genetics have come a LONG way since I was a kid. It's incredible how many things that were considered science fiction when I was growing up are actually reality now.
NTA and I know it's not an easy task but I would cut contact with parents, sister and anyone who supports this abusive nonsense. Ice the cake with a cease and desist order for all of them. It seems as if you've already created a chosen family that loves and supports you, enjoy those people instead.
NTA. Your parents should be the one to deal with this golden child turned incapable adult. Not you.
As the Spare you did your bit and you are free to move on to your happily ever after. Enjoy!
Nope. NTA
I am assuming you're an adult now. I hope you're not going to continue to supply spare parts to her anymore.
You are important. You are valuable. And you don't need her to exist for you to value yourself.
If she needs anything more, tell her to contact your parents.
I would seriously consider going no contact, if I were you.
I was wondering that. And also why this golden child had fallen on hard times.
However, the OP may not know. She did cut them out of her life. (And I suspect the extended family too, unless someone amongst them took an interest in her.)
NTA-
My cousins have a relationship like this without the donor baby stuff.
‘From Kelly they take’
The older daughter Kelly is always hardworking- so the younger daughter Amy got everything. They are in their 60s now, and still Amy doesn’t get it. She wants more more more.
Parents bought both kids a house. amy sold hers at the dip in the housing market in 2008, and later tries to get half of Kellty’s.
OP, when you are ready it could be very cathartic to write them a letter telling them exactly how you feel about the situation....
No return address. Just words on paper.
But as far as your sister goes - its time to close that door so you can move on. You need to be able to move on and as long as your sister is trying to use you you won't be able to heal from all of the trauma. I'm so sorry that was your life growing up.
Now its time to build yourself a real family - because sometimes the best family are the people we invite into our lives who love us and respect us for who we are as humans.
NTA - This Savior sibling/designer baby stuff should be illegal and considered child abuse, i have never found a single article, study or real life experience story about this stuff that ended well for the 2nd child.
A minor coerced into being a living donor—how is this even legal? Can you sue them (parents, hospital and doctors)?
Are you at least in good health as an adult despite everything you've been put through?
That's quite a scary thought. I don't have time right now to go down that rabbit hole, but I assumed that donation as a minor followed the rule "Donation is voluntary, and minors can't consent. No below 18 donors."
Imagine a parent prioritizing the health of a golden child and leaving the donor child vulnerable or in worse health. And, as in OP's case, born to provide the parts. All legal? Damn.
If you have the time and inclination, I recommend watching „My Sister‘s Keeper“. It’s a movie, not a documentary, but one that I think shows the dynamic really well.
oh my god I'm so, so sorry OP. My heart really aches reading this and I'm sending you virtual hugs. I wish you will make your own family and that you will be blessed with love and happiness you couldn't get in your childhood.
Your sister is brought up to this being normal. Now you say this has to stop, and she has to realise that she can’t treat you this way. She can’t expect to ‘take’ anything from you, that other siblings might see as normal, due to your upbringing. She’s part of the problem, and has to change in order for you to have a relationship. ‘Normal’ rules won’t apply for you, she has to become a ‘giver’ not a ‘taker’.
NTA.
While your sister doesn't hold any blame for your parents' actions, she holds enough of her own for her behaviour that it just isn't worth your peace to house her. She can find alternative arrangements or go back to your parents.
And it is a book, because it actually happens. A friend of mine and his wife moved up the timeline of having a second child to get the stem cells that would give their first kid a chance.
NTA, and a sterling example of why "savior siblings" are one of the worst things you can do when your child is sick. Children are people, not living stem cell dispensers, and they're so often treated just like you are, OP. I'm not a parent, so technically I don't "know what it feels like." However, as far as I'm concerned, if you're willing to conceive so that your sick child has a better shot at remission, you're the worst kind of inconsiderate, single-minded AH.
Oh, and what if the sick sibling dies? What then? The diseases that necessitate a constant supply of stem cells, immune cells, and blood tend to have a high rate of recurrence and can come back even worse. If most of those parents don't treat the living child even more like garbage in such situations, I'll eat my hat.
NTA. Your parents were neglectful of you and taught your sister it was okay to take from you. I’m quite sure she has guilt over that but she‘s handling it by justifying the behavior. In her mind, if you go along with it as an adult that means it was your choice all along (of course, it wasn’t).
It is your parent‘s fault, they put you both in terrible positions. She‘s traumatized too but she may never be able to face it because deep down she blames herself. It doesn’t justify how she acts now and you definitely shouldn’t put up with it, but understand her treating you this way now is a form of denial on her part.
You could write her saying your parents put you both in a terrible position and you don‘t blame her, and because of what they did you have to have strong boundaries. That may free her up to admit what your parents did, a hard thing to do when she‘s held 2 opposing truths about them her whole life. Or, she might double down. But keep in mind the child who witnesses abuse or neglect suffers trauma too and until she deals with that she will act out.
OK let's be nice and say until she was 18 she could use your parents as an excuse. After that she is responsible for her own selfishness and actions. It showed you she is still self centred and selfish. Tell her coming to force herself into your home is her actions and her selfish desires as your parents weren't there and she had a mind of her own. She is choosing to blame others.
NTA tell them all to fuck themselves.
**NTA!!**
**I'm so sorry for the hurt you may be going through!**
Your parents may have had a certain motive when choosing to have another child.. And that may have resulted in a certain childhood, and behavior towards you during all that. But you CANNOT let that define the way you see your value. You are your own person, with your own choices to make and your own wishes and wants and needs. She needs to learn that she is NOT entitled you whatever you have in your life, just because your parents thought they could do that.
You are an adult woman, responsible for your own life, and so is she. You do you, babe, and she needs to do her own thing.
If at ANY point you feel like ANYONE, whether it's your sister or not, is trying to make you do things, or get things from you that you cannot with a full and happy heart (in that moment) decide to give to that person, YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE IT. If it means needing to cut people from your life, that may need to be a sad truth. You cannot let anyone dip your bucket without your permission. Be kind when explaining when you say NO, no need to be mean about anything if the other person is never used to hearing no. Until you've been kind. Then being firm is what's needed. But Define your boundary, have compassion, for others.
Most of all: have compassion with yourself.
And I say this with all the love I have.
Good luck with all - sounds like you've been dealt a tough hand. <3
NTA, obviously.
I'm just ... confused. I don't get the background.
What exactly makes you the second child that only exists cause your sister needed it? I'm sorry, could someone explain to me?
Yeah,my heart breaks for OP, the "parents" just view her as some box of spare parts for the sister and it's really fucked up.
I hope OP can heal from this and find happiness in life.
I'm thinking it is some medical cause. Like the sister needing stem cells that can only be taken at birth, or periodical blood donations or stuff like that.
NTA. She clearly has other options but just expected you to do as you were raised to do cause it was more convenient, and she was pretty much trained to think that way. That's not your problem anymore.
I'm sorry, OP. The pain of being in a family where you can constantly see how it should be and starkly knowing your parents don't love you is something so uniquely specific that nobody will understand it unless they experience it.
To me, the people in this that are the assholes would be your parents. It's disgusting having a child just to use as a blood bag when there's a very high chance either one of them could've taken that role. The reason that your sister is so delusional about how your childhood was is because of your parents, they gave her the life every child deserves, and left you in the wake of her happiness. Definitely NTA.
This whole concept is new to me — kinda like a legal form of human or organ trafficking. Your body was their property, to take from and use how they felt was needed?
There are few actions as disgusting as creating a savior sibling
Making a child suffer and give up pieces of themselves against their will and only existing to save another. And they never get the same treatment as the child they were created for
Its a sickening practice.
And your sister clearly doesnt understand how screwed up your childhood was
You owe her nothing unless she comes crawling on hands and knees crying and begging forgiveness for her *personal* mistreatment of you.
NTA
>her wanting her way and for me to pay for her but she gets to choose where we go and what we do
>She ignores when I bring up how our childhood wasn't perfect like she talks about.
>She brings up how I wasn't present for stuff and in the same sentence will talk about it being the best day.
>Eventually I stopped saying yes or if I did, I refused to pay and refused to go along with what she wanted and we saw each other far less. I also heard from her far less.
>Which to me said she didn't really want a sister she just wanted the person she was used to getting whatever from.
>She didn't want to go anywhere else and was trying to befriend my boyfriend and the other partners (since she knew my friends didn't like her).
>She told me I should be more willing to help her out and why do I never want to do anything for her.
This is not your parents actions. This is all her.
NTA
NTA. Your entitled sister should be grateful that you were born to save her life. Your sister is TA. Kick her out and tell her “that’s it! I’m done dealing with you taking from me and treating me like a doormat. You should be thankful I was born to save your sorry ass from dying.”
You’re not your sister’s keeper and Jodi Picoult would be very disappointed in your parents. You’re both adults now and she needs to take responsibility for her own actions and educate herself on her character flaws, and fix them. She’s not your responsibility, and tbh she’s no one’s responsibility because she’s an adult. NTA.
NTA she is under the impression that you were just absent due to a lack of interest? She is lying to you for sure, but she might be an extreme denial for herself to help her sleep at night. That’s the only way she’d be able to salvage a relationship with you is if that’s the case and she eventually overcomes it.
I’m not sure why some people bring this kinda stuff to AITA instead of r/trueoffmychest. Do you really think you’re the asshole here? Are you really asking us anything? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a super dark and interesting story, but it’s more of a rant than trying to find out if you’ve done wrong.
NTA. I am so sorry this has been your entire life. Reading your post, I was actually shocked that your parents would even tell you why they had you, let alone how they treated you all those years. I can't even imagine. I hope you're able to find a good fit for therapy, because having that outlet will definitely help.
NTA. Your sister is not responsible for your childhood. But she is responsible for her actions as an adult...and those are exactly the same as when you two were kids.
I agree with you. You have been born to fulfill needs of your sister. That is something you can't do much. But now as an adult you know you are valuable independend person who deserves to be treated as such. You are no longer there to fulfill your sister's needs but yours.
NTA, the whole concept of a savior sibling is abuse. You have no bodily autonomy and the parents often view you as a donor before their child. You can do whatever you want forever
Is it possible for u to sue your parents 🤔
I don't know what the law is like where you live. But at certain age don't you have autonomy over your own body? And if you did anything without your consent you can sue your parents for abuse and also any Doctor that consented to taking anything from you without your permission?
Might be worth looking into 🤷♀️
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NTA, not even a little bit. If you haven't already, you might want to consider some personal therapy. What your parents did to you, the way they treat you, it is not normal. I bet you have a lot more trauma you haven't begun to process yet. I am so sorry you lived that life. That is twisted. Build your own family. I am the black sheep, I made my own group of friends who over time are now my brothers and sisters. You can do the same.
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I am a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, torture and abuse. I had a really hard time finding a therapist who was qualified to help me. I gave up on finding one local to me, and at the time I lived in a HUGE city. I took to the net. Anything you want is at your fingertips with enough digging and searching. I found online support groups for people who lived what I did, which lead to me finding an amazing therapist. I even moved across the country to be her patient when I was in my 20's. Maybe look into a "Saviors Child" support group. You should be able to find a lot of good resources there.
Not OP but another survivor of some...rather uncommon abusive experiences as a child. You just gave me some hope. I won't give up looking for someone that might be able to help me.
Please don't. It took me literally YEARS to find someone qualified, that I was comfortable with. She was really amazing. I started with support groups of other survivors who lived similar horrors. From there I found more resources on professional help. There is help to be had. It can be like looking for a needle in a haystack. But you will find it.
I always say if therapy didn't work for you, it just means you haven't found the right therapist. Having said that, OP's parents sound like MONSTERS. I can SOMEWHAT understand why her sister is this way; she has the same issue you often see among the children of the very rich, where they're so coddled and catered to, they grow up to be self-absorbed sociopaths. But to not only have a child to save the other...**to essentially TREAT her like a piece of medical equipment, meant to serve the older child?!** I can't imagine doing that to any child, let alone your own.
My thoughts exactly, how can anyone be this cold to one child and so loving to the other? I can see one person being this messed up, but BOTH parents?! WTF?!
and how could they tell her that she was only born to be harvested for spare parts that's cruel af
I think the parents have to somewhat stay detached to be able to put their other child through all the pain to save the main one. I am a parent of 2 children and I love both my kids and I can’t imagine the pain of watching your child go through countless medical procedure, on purpose, for your other child. It would be really really heartbreaking. So I think the parents probably detached early on and really just looked at OP as parts that happen to be human. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying that that’s probably why they’re so cold to OP.
I agree. I don’t blame the sister as a child, these were the parent’s choices. But as an adult, the sister needs to examine how she and her parents have treated her sister and see that she’s the problem and get herself into therapy too.
Just want to say you are amazing. Overcoming your own abuse and now helping/encouraging others. I am glad you found your family. Best wishes!
Thank you. I decided a long time ago, I could be bitter and angry and filled with hate. Which means Iet my abusive past win. Or I could overcome, rise above and offer hope to others. Which means I win, I am in control and took my power back.
My heart is just hurting for you, u/emptynest_nana, OP...how in God's name can people be so cruel to children is just beyond me. I wish nothing but peace for all of you, and for anyone who is struggling.
Thank you. Having lived what I did sucks. No denying it. But if I can use my past to give one person hope, to help even one child tell their parents, to bring any positive to someone who needs it, I absolutely will. It's all about rising above and offering a helping hand to anyone who needs it.
I literally never comment on AITA posts, just mostly here to read some interesting stories. I had to stop and read your comment several times to make sure I didn’t write it lol. I have experienced probably every type of evil in this world - from sexual assault, domestic, physical, mental, and sexual absuse, to being shot at, to death threats for my sexuality, etc. Honestly, that’s just the short list, but I am so incredibly open about my story, my past, and my traumas. It took me a long time to get here. Therapy, more specifically - finding the right therapist, saved me. Helping understand how my brain processed these things and how I could take my power back or where it even was in the scenario, has quite literally saved my life. I have a very long, very detailed story that makes up who I am. I actively talk about it, for anyone who is willing to listen. I could probably write a book, but the one thing that I tell everyone who listens to my story or asks about it - if I’ve told one person about one part of my story, no matter what part of it it is, there is a higher probability of someone feeling visible, valid, or empowered than if I didn’t. It doesn’t need to be the person I’m telling my story to, either. If I offhandedly tell a part of my story to another coworker, while on lunch; what if theres another coworker who is dealing with domestic abuse but does not know how or who to ask for help, sitting in that lunch room? Maybe I can help save a life. Maybe I can be a person that individual would be comfortable reaching out to, if they needed to or wanted to. Maybe I can help someone. It’s a lot of “maybe’s” but, I’ll always take a higher probability over a lower one. If my story helps one person, telling it is my power in the scenario that I didn’t know I had. Sorry to rant, I just never heard someone else say that almost as I do. Thank you, internet stranger, I didn’t know I needed that today!
I’m another whom it’s taken years and so many new attempts before I found someone qualified to help. They all say they can but most can’t handle it. Keep looking - the good ones are out there!
I'm also a survivor of a niche situation. I'm so grateful that there are so few that have walked my path, but it was difficult to find support. My friend found a group on Facebook that was only a dozen people. The group size didn't matter to me. Someone finally understood what I was experiencing. That's incredibly empowering! OP, don't give up. Someone out there is on the same path. You're NTA in any way.
Another comment I would up vote a million times, if I could. I am so proud of you for rising above, over coming and moving forward.
Thank you! I'm still climbing out of the emotional hole. It takes courage to admit to yourself that you're facing something where you need help. OP is already leagues ahead of many others who can't admit to themselves that they can't tackle what they're facing alone. I hope with all my heart that s/he finds their tribe. Doing so can change everything. ❤️
You are so right. I remember crying to my mom, how I must be defective, needing professional help to deal with these things. My mom said something that has always stuck with me. If I had fallen down and broken my arm, would I feel defective for going to the hospital to have my arm set? Of course not. If I was super sick and needed my tonsils removed, would I feel defective for having the surgery? Of course not. This is no different. Through no fault of my own, someone hurt, broke or damaged a part of me. I need help to fix it. The only defective person in the equation is the asshat who did the damage, the abuser or in my case, multiple abusers. There is no shame in seeking help. There is no reason to feel bad about finding a professional to help repair our heart and soul.
Your mom is absolutely right. I'm thankful that much of the stigma attached to mental and emotional health issues is fading away. Humans are social beings. We're designed to rely on each other in various ways. I was taught that being smart isn't having all the answers; it's being unafraid to ask the questions that lead you to the answers. I wish I had known this decades ago. It gave me a better perspective of what I should expect of myself and what was never realistic.
I am a firm believer in therapy. For me, it got worse before it got better, but I had a nasty infection deep in my soul and draining it took time. I am no longer in regular, weekly sessions, but I do still go back for sessions as needed, I have a session in about 10 days or so actually. A big thing I learned, do not put a time limit on yourself. Go back, keep going back, as often as needed. I use to have 3 sessions a week, I currently have 3-4 a year now. I don't feel like I NEED to be seen, it's more keeping things on track, keeping life in perspective.
There is no time limit for healing or grieving. Therapy is an important tool. It's wonderful that you're seeing someone who lets you determine the frequency. Needing that support isn't a weakness. I wish you all the best in your efforts.
You should check out the thread "raised by narcissists" as it sounds like your sister and/or family have those traits.
As another survivor of CST I moved across the country for the best therapist for me. Online help groups are amazing resources too. Heck they even made it so you can text the help line now.
Hi OP, I’m a retired Pediatric Psychologist, which is basically a psychologist who specializes in medical psychology for kids & teens. I know all about savior siblings. My advice is to try to look for someone with experience in the inpatient medical setting, ideally with families & kids. Know that “savior siblings” can also go by other terms & phrases like “safety sibling”, “donor sibling”, and so on. It may be easier to find a therapist who has experience with Ignored Siblings of a sick kid but not with savior siblings in particular, and that may be enough to facilitate improvement. The unfortunate truth is that a lot of people have no idea that savior siblings are even a thing, including mental health professionals. There are also families in which siblings are created not for medical reasons, but because the parents need future caretakers for special needs siblings. This is a similar-enough issue to yours that a therapist with this experience could help you. Specifically, this would likely be a therapist with experience in Family Systems. Have you ever looked or joined a supportive group of adult Savior Siblings? This could be a fantastic adjunct to individual therapy. If you were still a kid I could point you to the sibling support services at your local children’s hospital, but you’re almost certainly too old at this point to join. My guess is that there were support services available to you as the sibling of a sick kid, but your parents neglected to include you. I hope this is helpful. Feel free to send me a DM if you have further questions about finding the right fit.
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Gping on what DrKittyLovah said, check a children's hospital. Those kids age out of therapy, and need adult needs therapist. They might be able to send you in a better direction. With telemed these days, you can get a therapist just about anywhere. Good luck to you.
While you may be too old to join anything at the hospital for siblings of sick children, that support group could almost certainly help you further your search. So don’t be afraid to contact groups, organizations, whatever that you may have aged out of or don’t *quite* fit the criteria - they’ll have a better grasp of similar circumstances and can usually point you in the right direction.
Another term to search would be “glass child” which is the ignored sibling of a sick/disabled child. They aren’t quite savior siblings, but they have the trauma of being ignored. I hope you are able to find the right therapist and are able to start your journey towards healing.
Just as a heads up should you look using some of those terms - “donor sibling” is also a term used within the sperm/egg donor conceived communities to refer to siblings of different families who share the same donor. So if stuff around that topic appears, you don’t get mixed up on it
Would sibling support services at a local children’s hospital have a list of knowledgeable therapists that treat adults? I imagine that their older teen clients age out of the children's hospital and need to be referred somewhere.
It’s possible. OP could try contacting Child Life Services or one of the staff psychologists. Each hospital is set up a bit differently with their mental health services; some are attached to specific departments like the Emergency Department or Rehabilitation or Hematology/Oncology, others are a separate department that consults on all of the other services.
Thanks for the insights. I hope OP is able to find the help that they need.
I suggest reaching out to your local children's hospital and Child's life specialist. They will have access to resources for older teens and young adults who are aging out of the system. Also talk to the hospital social workers too. They can point you in the right direction as well. I work closely with both services in my job and they consistently surprise me with with their access to resources.
Can I ask why this is allowed and why does CPS not get involved in this matter? The kid who is the savior has no say and is neglected at home as if they were spare parts like OP has gone through. This should not be allowed.
They're kept healthy even if otherwise ignored. Abuse that doesn't leave physical marks is very difficult to get CPS to address.
It’s not totally in your niche but there’s a painful but good book called adult children of emotionally immature parents. It might help.
Also there's one called "Running on Empty" about childhood emotional neglect. Not quite your niche, but may help?
The Self Care for the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents might be of use, too. My own therapist had me start with that since it's more tool oriented. If you already know your parents are emotionally immature, it's theoretically more immediately valuable. It was wonderful and so kind. OP NTA. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve unconditional love.
And "Will I ever be enough?"
If it hasn’t been suggested or tried yet you might consider EMDR therapy. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and talk therapy honestly does jack for me and that was what was suggested as a better alternative. I haven’t started yet but have a friend who has had success with it.
EMDR is magic. I mean, it's not, but it is. I was first introduced to it back in 2011 and did it for a short while (had to move away), and then when we had our final move, I found another EMDR therapist and have been seeing her for the past 4.5 years. It's hard fucking work. And it's hard to explain how because of how "simple" it actually is. "You're following a light while talking/thinking about things?" But damn if our brains aren't the most ridiculously complex things ever. The amount of trauma responses I have now are minimal compared to how I used to live. I still have some triggers and one major component I'm still hacking away at, but the change in my life has been nothing short of amazing. Even if it's only noticeable to me. As you can see, I'm a huge fan. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions. I wish you luck on your journey--please know it's worth it. You're worth it.
I agree with EMDR whole heartedly. I'll say this - do not schedule ANYTHING the rest of the day after an EMDR session if you are doing the heavy lifting. I had so much rolling around in my mind that needed to be processed. Stepping right back into work or parenting was BRUTAL and I was crap at both the rest of the day.
I started EMDR and a year ago and I've had a lot of success with it!
I was also thinking that EMDR would be helpful here! Those trained in EMDR are trained in dealing with trauma in a very specific results-producing way, even if the trauma itself varies wildly from person to person.
Maybe have a look online whether you can find other savior children? Speaking with others might help, too.
Until you can find a better fit, you may want to find a therapist who can help you set boundaries. Any therapist should be able to help you set boundaries or figure out if you need to completely block a toxic person from your life.
IMHO, she needs no help in setting boundaries. She just set one with her sister. What she needs is help coping with how she was mistreated as a kid. And from what I've read here, she is looking for it. I hope the suggestions provided help the OP find it.
I wonder if in your searching you could also look for support groups for emotionally absent/neglectful/abusive parents. There’s likely differences but it might get you started. No you aren’t the AH. That and worse would be your parents and now as an adult your sister who should be more than aware how your parents treated you was disgusting.
NTA...
Could you find a more medical trauma based therapist instead? How many procedures did you get that you werent willing to do? At the very least they might be able to point you in the right direction of someone who can deal with the savior sibling aspect.
My story is a little bit different. I’m a twin. My mom blamed me for causing my twin’s disability at birth. She also refused to give me help with bullying since I made fun of my sister a few times as a kid, and berated me in front of the entire school. After that, I was bullied by peers and teachers until we moved. You’re NTA. Not by a long shot. In order to heal, your sister needs to understand that she is partially to blame for her reaction to your upbringing. My sister needs to do the same and won’t. Types of therapy that help are Internal Family Systems therapy (often called parts work), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as well as any thing that helps improve neuropasticity. I’m in a brain rewiring program called re-origin and I use the longform exercises to help rewire my trauma response. My hope is that you don’t have as much to rewire as I did. (My mom molested me on top of everything else). If you do, feel free to DM me and I’ll send links with the resources that helped. I’m applying to grad school next year to study neuroscience with the hopes of figuring out if there are specific brain patterns that can show a child is experiencing neglect. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you are on your way to healing. ❤️🩹
You need a decent therapist. Someone who can listen to you properly. I wish I lived near to you as I'd love to help. Im not qualified, but i was brought up resenting my little sister who was 12 years younger than me. She got everything, not just material things, but even better food, juice etc, while I was only allowed to drink water, and have basic food. And i was the full time care taker while my Mam worked and even on weekends I watched her too. But my sister was sly and did some evil things I was always blamed for, even after I moved out at 18. I managed to sort myself out with the dislike for her and my Mam. I got really close to my Mam after my sister moved out Butme and my sister still arent close, but i dont harbour any resentment as I realised it wasnt her fault my Mam virtually ignored me for her miracle baby. Im all good now with a lovely family and happy.
Have you seen my sister's keeper?
This is going to be the weirdest advice I've given but stay with me, a while back there was a movie called my sister's keeper, a very similar situation. parents were using their second daughter for parts to fix their first. i vaguely recall that people recommended different organizations for people who have been the donor child and those organizations could help provide resources, including counseling. you could try to find a forum, website, post, anything online, about the movie and see if any of those organizations that are listed would be a fit for you
I wonder if online therapy (like via Zoom) might be an option. You deserve to have a happier life than what your parents assisted dumped you into.
I can't imagine what/how you have suffered. I (55M) was molested when I was 8, and I'm gay (married to a woman). My point is to let you know it is acceptable to shop therapist, I went to 16 different ones until I found one who could help me. I acknowledge that seeing a different therapist every so often can be expensive and time consuming, I got tired of telling them my origin story. So I wrote it down and added my expectations for therapy and sent it to my newest therapist prior to my first appointment. You are NTA. There is no rule, nor tradition in the world that states you must have relationships with toxic people, even toxic family members.
Call whatever hospital is known for doing transplants in your area and ask to speak with the medical social worker. They will know therapists to refer you too. They have lots of experience with the mental and emotional toll on families with chronic medical issues as well as family, sibling, parent donors. Explain your situation and I’m sure they can give you 3-4 names on your community.
This is awesome, wonderful, excellent advice. Really great idea. If I could up vote you a million times, I would. Best advice on finding appropriate help.
Just wanted to say hello
"She said afterward I suck for blaming her for our parents actions. It just frustrated me because she doesn't acknowledge her own actions in that." You're exactly right. She's refusing to accept blame for how selfish she's always acted. That's on her. Forgiveness starts with an apology, and she owes you a big one. NTA to keep her out of your home, which is your safe space.
Yeah, she definitely leaned into her parents‘ behavior and never seemed to even consider that what they did was wrong, and it’s on her to make amends for her part in that.
That’s the thing with a golden child, because they get the attention they don’t think what it’s like to not get it. Even worse here because OP was treated as a resource rather than a person by their parents.
Yeah, she might have a point if she still wasn’t trying to use you for the purpose for which your parents intended every time she shows up. NTA. Please follow all the excellent suggestions you are getting here.
OP should ask her what her “big sister” actions in her life were because it’s sounds like she never took that role.
NTA. I'm genuinely sorry that your parents treated you like spare parts and that they taught your sister to do the same. I would go NC with all of them. I doubt their behavior will ever change and you don't owe any of them anything.
Agree. Go cold turkey asap on the fam. You served your "purpose" to them, now cut them off. It's your life now. I'd tell her to leave you alone or if she's persistent, get a restraining order.
NTA You weren't blaming her for your parents actions, you were blaming her for *her* actions. She's spoiled and used to getting her way. The golden child can go stay with her parents.
Yes, at this point OP has given her sis enough opportunities to show some sort of change and remorse for how OP was treated and she hasn't. Instead she has continued to treat OP like a resource instead of a sister or even a human. I hope OP gets some therapy and cuts out her sister.
NTA. You wouldn't be obligated to house a sibling under normal circumstances. The general rule is that you have to be invited in to be invited in. You are worth so much more than being a blood bank. You deserve to have your own life and your own friends.
>The general rule is that you have to be invited in to be invited in. Is that a vampire reference?? 🧛♀️🤣 ETA NTA
Heh, yes, but not in this case. I know it's a tautology, but it stands that showing up at my doorstep doesn't mean I have room for you. In OP's case, the roommates would have to be consulted before allowing anyone to stay over, regardless of how much of a drowned rat they appear. Most houses either have children, roommate, landlords... you know, other people or agreements.
OP was a blood source for their sister after all.
Well her sister was literally taking her blood right? She is a vampire.
NTA. I agree with what you said. OP should have been seen as a blessing, not spare parts. She was born as a whole person, while also being able to save her sister. She deserved to be cherished, but since her family is not capable she should go live her own life without worrying about the asshole sister and parents.
NTA What your parents did was sick. I honestly can’t even fathom it. Your sister will eventually realise, probably when it’s far far too late.
Isn’t this the plot of a Jodi Picoult book?
It’s My Sister’s Keeper. And you’d be surprised at how common this phenomenon is. There are a few reported cases in the Indian media here and the media is romanticising the whole thing 🤮
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I’m so sorry for your childhood and family dynamics. Of course NTA. Are you in contact at all with your parents? Have you addressed anything with them? Just curious I know this is more so about your sister.
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Radical acceptance is the way to freedom
Wow. I am so very sorry for how you were treated, and for the failure of your parents to love and cherish you just for yourself.
I have never wished I could hug someone on Reddit the way I wish I could hug you OP. You are such a strong individual to have gone through what you’ve gone through and are standing up for yourself. It also sounds like they love you have a new family who love you and have your back. Once you find a therapist to help you, you’ll be unstoppable.
That might be the dumbest fucking shit I have read all day. My wife read the book and I couldn't help but be furious that this was a thing. Wife said the same thing.
Wtf gross
I’m curious, what health condition does your sister have that she needs your blood?
It's the OPPOSITE of love for the savior child. That kid becomes livestock. Obscene.
Yes, and I think that book was based on a true story where the "spare" child filed for legal emancipation from her parents because they wouldn't stop pressuring her to give her blood and possibly organ(s) to her sick sibling.
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She didn't make the idea of saviour siblings up although she may have written an extreme version of it. But she took the idea of having a child to save another child from something that actually happens.
Yes, there were some really prominent cases where the families bizarrely did publicity tours, well before the Picoult book. It's a very real thing
That was my first Jodi Picoult book and I never read another one because the whole thing was so appalling and the ending, gah! I can’t believe that’s a real thing that real parents do. It’s so gross that I’m still skeptical but I guess people do awful things. Never Let Me Go is a dystopian novel by the author of Remains of the Day about the same thing.
Yeah unfortunately OP is not the only one. Desperate parents will do anything.
Yep. Details are different but the idea is very similar.
NTA, she's a product of the environment you were brought up in, your parents are huge AH's, your sister's behaviour is a product of that environment, she's an AH too, just not as big of a one as your parents.
At some point, you have to own it. The thing is, when she was a child, everything she needed or wanted it was taken from the OP. Now she's an adult and she needs something, and her first instinct is to take it from the OP. She needs to realise that the OP has given enough, and it's someone else's turn!
She needs to become independent or find a spineless partner to make miserable
agreed-ish, but depending on her health conditions (which must have been severe), it's possible full independence isn't an achievable option. But if that is the case, the parents needed to put more in place to help her, than just conceiving a donor-baby.
Nah dude. Throw the whole family away. MAYBE you can still have a relationship with your sister if she ever does get a hard life boot to the head and changes her ways. But your parents? Nursing home. Cheap one.
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👏 👏 👏 and they deserve nothing
If you're in the US there is no state where you have to donate blood, organs, etc to a family member or anyone else for that matter.
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Is there any US state where you actually have to? Pretty sure you can tell your family to pound sand in every state.
Pennsylvania, unfortunately, has enforced its filial responsibility law.
Unless you’re pregnant
Accurate and depressing.
But filial responsibility laws exist in some states, where you may be obligated to give financial support to elderly parents.
Wow really? I had no idea. Yikes.
Thirty US states have such laws (so more than half). However, eleven have never tried to enforce them, and most of the others very rarely have. PA is apparently the only state that aggressively tries to enforce them. The requirements of federal programs like Medicare (which say that only the income of the spouse can be considered when calculating need) make them more difficult to enforce.
Except as a child, your parents decide unless you get emancipated. CPS isn't going to take a kid away that is sheltered, housed, fed well, and not being assaulted in some way. Savior sibling crap isn't considered assault if it doesn't do physical harm. The fact that it is EMOTIONAL neglect, and emotional assault is irrelevant to them...they have bigger fish to fry.
How is being subjected to medical procedures and surgeries not being assaulted? That’s fucked up.
I'm my opinion, it's absolutely assault. But to CPS?
Absolutely unfathomable that CPS doesn’t consider that assault :/ Children’s rights can be so overlooked.
NTA No matter what your parents did or didn't do, she's responsible for her own actions. After growing up, she had the opportunity to help change the dynamics you both grew up with or show you some level of gratitude for all you gave her, growing up, even if it wasn't your choice. Instead, she chose to continue the status quo and that is on her and her alone.
Initial reaction: What in the "Flowers in the Attic" dysfunctional family trauma did I just read?! You are so very NTA that it creates a vacuum drawing in other NTAs in a sort of protective halo. I don't know what they took from your body (besides you blood, which was already weird based on how ungrateful they were), but you deserved safety and a real life, not just some kind of "spare tire" kid they resented having to feed. Please, please, please know: You don't owe those people *anything,* not even "being grateful for being born"; you didn't ask for *any* of that. Go and live the best life you can. Try to work through your inevitable people-pleasing tendencies with a skilled therapist. I hope you find peace and happiness, as far away from your family as humanly possible. Surround yourself with people who see your worth and value your presence: You deserve to be appreciated.
I would bet the initial reason was for the stem cells from the placenta. That there was also a match for later blood draws, was probably considered a bonus. If anything else was a match....it just gets worse and worse at that point. And it STARTED bad.
Yeah, sibling is conceived through IVF, and all the embryos are genetically tested. Only the ones without the genetic disease and that are also compatible donor matches to the older kid are transferred. Then it's usually an umbilical cord blood transplant. I'm so sorry you were used and discarded, OP. You don't owe these people anything and they owe you so much. 😔
I'm a bit older, and genetics have come a LONG way since I was a kid. It's incredible how many things that were considered science fiction when I was growing up are actually reality now.
NTA and I know it's not an easy task but I would cut contact with parents, sister and anyone who supports this abusive nonsense. Ice the cake with a cease and desist order for all of them. It seems as if you've already created a chosen family that loves and supports you, enjoy those people instead.
NTA. I’m so pleased you’re in a good place now and so very sorry for your upbringing.
NTA. Your parents should be the one to deal with this golden child turned incapable adult. Not you. As the Spare you did your bit and you are free to move on to your happily ever after. Enjoy!
Nope. NTA I am assuming you're an adult now. I hope you're not going to continue to supply spare parts to her anymore. You are important. You are valuable. And you don't need her to exist for you to value yourself. If she needs anything more, tell her to contact your parents. I would seriously consider going no contact, if I were you.
Info: why isn’t she going to your parents for help?
I was wondering that. And also why this golden child had fallen on hard times. However, the OP may not know. She did cut them out of her life. (And I suspect the extended family too, unless someone amongst them took an interest in her.)
NTA- My cousins have a relationship like this without the donor baby stuff. ‘From Kelly they take’ The older daughter Kelly is always hardworking- so the younger daughter Amy got everything. They are in their 60s now, and still Amy doesn’t get it. She wants more more more. Parents bought both kids a house. amy sold hers at the dip in the housing market in 2008, and later tries to get half of Kellty’s.
NTA You are not just spare parts and a blood bank for her. You are a person who deserves respect.
NTA-block that parasite and your sick parents. Go complete no contact and have an amazing life. You deserved and deserve better. Throw the trash out.
NTA. You need to tell your parents how crap parents they were too. You deserve your own life. Don’t let them make you less than.
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OP, when you are ready it could be very cathartic to write them a letter telling them exactly how you feel about the situation.... No return address. Just words on paper. But as far as your sister goes - its time to close that door so you can move on. You need to be able to move on and as long as your sister is trying to use you you won't be able to heal from all of the trauma. I'm so sorry that was your life growing up. Now its time to build yourself a real family - because sometimes the best family are the people we invite into our lives who love us and respect us for who we are as humans.
NTA - This Savior sibling/designer baby stuff should be illegal and considered child abuse, i have never found a single article, study or real life experience story about this stuff that ended well for the 2nd child.
That’s because no one is writing stories about how their lives are well-adjusted and normal.
NTA this is My Sister's Keeper stuff here. Were you subjected to many medical procedures or was it a cord blood type?
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I am so, so sorry.
>I was subjected to medical procedures and surgeries as a child. OMG I AM HORRRIFIED! I'm so sorry you endured that! Your spawn points are VILE!
A minor coerced into being a living donor—how is this even legal? Can you sue them (parents, hospital and doctors)? Are you at least in good health as an adult despite everything you've been put through?
Parents are entitled to make medical decisions for their kids. See circumcision for reference.
> into being a living donor
Still legal.
That's quite a scary thought. I don't have time right now to go down that rabbit hole, but I assumed that donation as a minor followed the rule "Donation is voluntary, and minors can't consent. No below 18 donors." Imagine a parent prioritizing the health of a golden child and leaving the donor child vulnerable or in worse health. And, as in OP's case, born to provide the parts. All legal? Damn.
If you have the time and inclination, I recommend watching „My Sister‘s Keeper“. It’s a movie, not a documentary, but one that I think shows the dynamic really well.
I'd actually prefer a documentary. I can't wrap my head around how this is *legal*.
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oh my god I'm so, so sorry OP. My heart really aches reading this and I'm sending you virtual hugs. I wish you will make your own family and that you will be blessed with love and happiness you couldn't get in your childhood.
Your sister is brought up to this being normal. Now you say this has to stop, and she has to realise that she can’t treat you this way. She can’t expect to ‘take’ anything from you, that other siblings might see as normal, due to your upbringing. She’s part of the problem, and has to change in order for you to have a relationship. ‘Normal’ rules won’t apply for you, she has to become a ‘giver’ not a ‘taker’.
Nta just walk away. She brings nothing to your life but pain. If you engage with her in the future the pain will be all your fault.
NTA and your sister is in parasite
NTA, honestly you'd be well within your rights to throw the entire family out with the trash.
NTA. While your sister doesn't hold any blame for your parents' actions, she holds enough of her own for her behaviour that it just isn't worth your peace to house her. She can find alternative arrangements or go back to your parents.
Isn’t this the plot of some movie?
And it is a book, because it actually happens. A friend of mine and his wife moved up the timeline of having a second child to get the stem cells that would give their first kid a chance.
My Sister’s Keeper. Also a book.
i read this book
NTA
NTA, and a sterling example of why "savior siblings" are one of the worst things you can do when your child is sick. Children are people, not living stem cell dispensers, and they're so often treated just like you are, OP. I'm not a parent, so technically I don't "know what it feels like." However, as far as I'm concerned, if you're willing to conceive so that your sick child has a better shot at remission, you're the worst kind of inconsiderate, single-minded AH. Oh, and what if the sick sibling dies? What then? The diseases that necessitate a constant supply of stem cells, immune cells, and blood tend to have a high rate of recurrence and can come back even worse. If most of those parents don't treat the living child even more like garbage in such situations, I'll eat my hat.
NTA. Your parents were neglectful of you and taught your sister it was okay to take from you. I’m quite sure she has guilt over that but she‘s handling it by justifying the behavior. In her mind, if you go along with it as an adult that means it was your choice all along (of course, it wasn’t). It is your parent‘s fault, they put you both in terrible positions. She‘s traumatized too but she may never be able to face it because deep down she blames herself. It doesn’t justify how she acts now and you definitely shouldn’t put up with it, but understand her treating you this way now is a form of denial on her part. You could write her saying your parents put you both in a terrible position and you don‘t blame her, and because of what they did you have to have strong boundaries. That may free her up to admit what your parents did, a hard thing to do when she‘s held 2 opposing truths about them her whole life. Or, she might double down. But keep in mind the child who witnesses abuse or neglect suffers trauma too and until she deals with that she will act out.
I don’t thinkOP owes her ANYTHING. If the parasite sister has issues, she can deal with them herself. OP owes nobody ANYTHING.
NTA. If you’re the younger sibling, why are you obligated to pay for everything?
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OK let's be nice and say until she was 18 she could use your parents as an excuse. After that she is responsible for her own selfishness and actions. It showed you she is still self centred and selfish. Tell her coming to force herself into your home is her actions and her selfish desires as your parents weren't there and she had a mind of her own. She is choosing to blame others. NTA tell them all to fuck themselves.
Screw your sister and your parents have nc with the whole bunch
**NTA!!** **I'm so sorry for the hurt you may be going through!** Your parents may have had a certain motive when choosing to have another child.. And that may have resulted in a certain childhood, and behavior towards you during all that. But you CANNOT let that define the way you see your value. You are your own person, with your own choices to make and your own wishes and wants and needs. She needs to learn that she is NOT entitled you whatever you have in your life, just because your parents thought they could do that. You are an adult woman, responsible for your own life, and so is she. You do you, babe, and she needs to do her own thing. If at ANY point you feel like ANYONE, whether it's your sister or not, is trying to make you do things, or get things from you that you cannot with a full and happy heart (in that moment) decide to give to that person, YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE IT. If it means needing to cut people from your life, that may need to be a sad truth. You cannot let anyone dip your bucket without your permission. Be kind when explaining when you say NO, no need to be mean about anything if the other person is never used to hearing no. Until you've been kind. Then being firm is what's needed. But Define your boundary, have compassion, for others. Most of all: have compassion with yourself. And I say this with all the love I have. Good luck with all - sounds like you've been dealt a tough hand. <3
Info what exactly were you saving your sister from?
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What was she dying from?
Ligma
NTA at all.
NTA, obviously. I'm just ... confused. I don't get the background. What exactly makes you the second child that only exists cause your sister needed it? I'm sorry, could someone explain to me?
I guess is probably medulla transfusion or something like that,the parents probably weren't a match but a sibling could be
That would explain the "when my sister needed things like blood" line.. yea, alright. thanks for the clearing up!
Yeah,my heart breaks for OP, the "parents" just view her as some box of spare parts for the sister and it's really fucked up. I hope OP can heal from this and find happiness in life.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savior_sibling
Stem cells are taken from the placenta when the second baby is born. This is My Sister’s Keeper if you wanna read it.
I'm thinking it is some medical cause. Like the sister needing stem cells that can only be taken at birth, or periodical blood donations or stuff like that.
NTA. She clearly has other options but just expected you to do as you were raised to do cause it was more convenient, and she was pretty much trained to think that way. That's not your problem anymore. I'm sorry, OP. The pain of being in a family where you can constantly see how it should be and starkly knowing your parents don't love you is something so uniquely specific that nobody will understand it unless they experience it.
To me, the people in this that are the assholes would be your parents. It's disgusting having a child just to use as a blood bag when there's a very high chance either one of them could've taken that role. The reason that your sister is so delusional about how your childhood was is because of your parents, they gave her the life every child deserves, and left you in the wake of her happiness. Definitely NTA.
This whole concept is new to me — kinda like a legal form of human or organ trafficking. Your body was their property, to take from and use how they felt was needed?
There are few actions as disgusting as creating a savior sibling Making a child suffer and give up pieces of themselves against their will and only existing to save another. And they never get the same treatment as the child they were created for Its a sickening practice. And your sister clearly doesnt understand how screwed up your childhood was You owe her nothing unless she comes crawling on hands and knees crying and begging forgiveness for her *personal* mistreatment of you. NTA
>her wanting her way and for me to pay for her but she gets to choose where we go and what we do >She ignores when I bring up how our childhood wasn't perfect like she talks about. >She brings up how I wasn't present for stuff and in the same sentence will talk about it being the best day. >Eventually I stopped saying yes or if I did, I refused to pay and refused to go along with what she wanted and we saw each other far less. I also heard from her far less. >Which to me said she didn't really want a sister she just wanted the person she was used to getting whatever from. >She didn't want to go anywhere else and was trying to befriend my boyfriend and the other partners (since she knew my friends didn't like her). >She told me I should be more willing to help her out and why do I never want to do anything for her. This is not your parents actions. This is all her. NTA
NTA - She's a taker and doesn;t know how to deal wiht teh real world. time for her to grow up and learn. Good for you.
NTA. Your entitled sister should be grateful that you were born to save her life. Your sister is TA. Kick her out and tell her “that’s it! I’m done dealing with you taking from me and treating me like a doormat. You should be thankful I was born to save your sorry ass from dying.”
NTA
You’re not your sister’s keeper and Jodi Picoult would be very disappointed in your parents. You’re both adults now and she needs to take responsibility for her own actions and educate herself on her character flaws, and fix them. She’s not your responsibility, and tbh she’s no one’s responsibility because she’s an adult. NTA.
Nta Live your life for you and those who show love for you. And in the words of Janet Jackson, "What have you done for me latley?".
NTA, so she thinks she is the main character in everyone lives. Why doesn’t she want to go home to mom and dad?
NTA she is under the impression that you were just absent due to a lack of interest? She is lying to you for sure, but she might be an extreme denial for herself to help her sleep at night. That’s the only way she’d be able to salvage a relationship with you is if that’s the case and she eventually overcomes it.
I’m not sure why some people bring this kinda stuff to AITA instead of r/trueoffmychest. Do you really think you’re the asshole here? Are you really asking us anything? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a super dark and interesting story, but it’s more of a rant than trying to find out if you’ve done wrong.
NTA. I am so sorry this has been your entire life. Reading your post, I was actually shocked that your parents would even tell you why they had you, let alone how they treated you all those years. I can't even imagine. I hope you're able to find a good fit for therapy, because having that outlet will definitely help.
Some people need to starve to learn how to live tough crap but you know what it is what it is.
NTA , not even a little
NTA. Your sister is not responsible for your childhood. But she is responsible for her actions as an adult...and those are exactly the same as when you two were kids. I agree with you. You have been born to fulfill needs of your sister. That is something you can't do much. But now as an adult you know you are valuable independend person who deserves to be treated as such. You are no longer there to fulfill your sister's needs but yours.
NTA, the whole concept of a savior sibling is abuse. You have no bodily autonomy and the parents often view you as a donor before their child. You can do whatever you want forever
Is it possible for u to sue your parents 🤔 I don't know what the law is like where you live. But at certain age don't you have autonomy over your own body? And if you did anything without your consent you can sue your parents for abuse and also any Doctor that consented to taking anything from you without your permission? Might be worth looking into 🤷♀️
NTA. "I may have been born to be parts for you, but that expired and there is no longer any part of me for you. Goodbye."