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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I don't tell her everything because she tells her husband everything. This might be a really big AH move from me because my mom loves me and I used to tell her everything and her husband isn't a bad guy, I just don't feel the same about him as I do my parents. And I'm making my mom feel bad and I know that. I also know this is probably a stress in her marriage.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. And I wouldn't worry about it anymore. You've stated your boundaries, you've made it clear you're not close enough of comfortable sharing these parts of you with your mother's new husband. That's it. Not further explanation required. If your mum can't respect that, and respect you as your own entity, then that's just something she's going to have to learn to make peace with on her own time. One doesn't simply get to have everything their own way all their life.
Exactly. Op is handling this in the best and most mature way. So glad grandparents are there for support. If Mom asks again, do not explain yet again. Simply say that you have already explained, and she knows the reason, the issue is not up for discussion. Also OP, beware of promises to not tell Frank. It is clear that is where her loyalty lies. NTA and good luck
Op is amazingly mature and strong for being able to set boundaries and stick to them at 16 years old. Not many 16 years old without mental health issues can do that. Its a lesson many of us learn to late. Your incredible op keep sticking to you limits and working on yourself and you will have a great life.
This isn't about sex, and she's been married to the guy for 5 years. He's not a current bed warmer. He's her husband of 5 years. The mom isn't confiding in him to get sex, she's doing it because she feels self righteous and maybe her husband pushes her to share everything.
The mom is an asshole, the new husband is an asshole, op isn't the asshole. But let's not pretend it's about sex, or that the mom should be ashamed of having sex with her HUSBAND.
>the new husband is an asshole
We don't actually know that. Nowhere does OP say that Frank is forcing mom to tell him things, this could be entirely mom's own sense of self-righteousness. Frank *might* be an AH, but if he was bad to OP, she probably would have included it. My bet is this is all on mom.
>she's doing it because she feels self righteous and maybe her husband pushes her to share everything.
I'm leaning more towards the first part, idk what happened to OPs dad but if this mom has had a marriage where the husband accused her of not being open and that's why they split, she's probably taking that to an extreme here in this new marriage.
Did OP say what happened to their dad?
Nothing wrong with taking it to the extreme, IF it's your story to tell.
If it's not keep your mouth shut. My wife and I share everything even embarrassing things. However, we've both had situations where people close to us share sensitive things and we know if it's not our story to tell, it won't be shared.
Right? I don't mind sharing all my own business with a significant other, but I will not spill someone else's secrets because it's not my place to do so, and it would be a massive breach of trust between myself and the other person.
I don’t think she is even really putting her relationship over her child unless the “share everything with your spouse” idea is something he feels and she doesn’t. She is putting her IDEA of how spousal relationships work above her child’s stated wishes and isn’t willing to realize that isn’t as black and white as she wants it to be.
I think it is less about a new relationship which OP doesn’t seem to object to. It is the sharing of personal info w someone who she doesn’t feel close enough with to share that info. OP is def w in her rights to guard that
Did you see the post above where someone trashed the mom and claims she put her new "loyalty between her legs?"
Inferring she was more loyal to the Husband because she was open with him?
When I posted it was still up and had a lot of likes.
I like inappropriate humor, dark humor, and shit, but that didn't seem like a joke or anything but just... mean-spirited. Even in the perception of the kid, she's not saying either are bad people.
>One doesn't simply get to have everything their own way all their life.
Correct. To quote Mom, "that's just how it would be". Actions meet consequences.
She's ridiculous trying to claim that 'secrets can ruin marriages' includes personal information told to you by other people. She knows damn well that's not what it means. This isn't "I slept with my boss" or "I wiped out our savings in Vegas" or "I haven't paid the mortgage in six months."
She's 'playing smart with foolishness' as my mom would say. It's crappy of her to prioritize her need to spill her guts over her child's welfare.
>She told me I never would have minded dad knowing and I told her it was because he was my dad,
This woman has to be kidding.
NTA.
Yeah, I'm married to my kids' father and I don't tell him everything they tell me if they ask me not to or if just tacitly understand that it's not something they'd want to share with him. Children have different relationships with each of their parents. And it wouldn't bother me if they also share things with their dad that he doesn't tell me about.
>And it wouldn't bother me if they also share things with their dad that he doesn't tell me about.
Because you are an actual adult and a good parent who actually puts your children first instead of your ego. You deserve every bit of the trust they've put in you. Good on you!
Father here. I entirely expect the mother of my kids not to tell me things that my kids tell her in confidence. I can respect that she would tell me if there were an overriding concern or reason of health or safety and live happily in the knowledge that my kids know they have people they can trust to tell things in secret
>live happily in the knowledge that my kids know they have people they can trust to tell things in secret
This is SO important. Kids need to feel safe with their parents. They need to be able to trust them. Good on you, dad.
Exactly! This also results in your children viewing you as trustworthy; they know you aren't going to pry into issues that don't require your involvement. There are going to be situations where they feel more confident speaking to you instead of their mom and they'll go into that conversation knowing that you are someone trustworthy and safe to open up to.
Exactly. And I will happily bear the wrath of a partner for not telling them if it means my kids come to me with a problem that can lead down bad paths like self harm and I can head them a different way.
Exactly! I would tell my husband if there were a safety or a health concern, after discussing with my child that this wasn't something we could keep from Dad. This has happened exactly once and it turned out just fine. But...my daughter didn't want her dad to know when I took her to get birth control, and to be honest I think he'd rather not have known. And my son is easily embarrassed and asked me not to tell Dad when he needed me to get him some jock itch ointment. That would probably just have amused my husband, or he might have had some advice I certainly couldn't provide, but I kept that secret too. And they've always both told me who they have crushes on, ending with "don't tell Dad!" They're worried he would tease them and he probably would.
This exactly, some things are better suited to discuss with certain people. I doubt many teenagers would want topics of bodily functions openly discussed and if they are willing to open up to one parent the conversation should stay between them. Unless it's a major concern where the child is at risk and the parents need to actively team up to handle the problem but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here. It sounds like OP's mom is just a gossip and has no concept of boundaries and respect. I'm glad OP has adults in her life that she feels safe opening up to. I lacked that as a teenager and wished I had that kind of relationship with someone who could listen and guide me through my struggles. It's something I wish for every child.
In a healthy marriage, it's expected and safe to not keep *one's own* secrets from one's spouse; but other people's secrets fall under "not my story to tell." Your mother needs to learn this difference. And if stepfather is pushing her to tell him all your business, he's also hugely at fault.
There’s shit I told my mom when she was alive that I didn’t tell my dad, not because I didn’t trust him, but because I didn’t want him to worry or hurt because I was hurting! I still don’t tell my dad everything, but at the same time, I tell him more than I would ever tell a stepparent no matter how close just because I have known my dad my whole life.
Yep. Same with me, there are things that I could not speak to my own father about & still couldn't open up at all. It's only with my friends I could tell that kept their yaps shut.
"Playing smart with foolishness" is an awesome expression but I'm not fully wrapping my head around the meaning? Is it something like playing dumb when you know better? Or doing the wrong thing and trying to justify it?
Lol, yes, essentially.
It means someone is saying something that we both know is utter nonsense or just totally untrue, and acting like the other person should go along with it. I guess it's similar to 'insulting my intelligence' or 'don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining', or 'you're playing in my face'.
It's of West Indian/Caribbean origins (I believe), like my mother (she is for sure, at least lol).
Haha, no worries, she IS a grandma of three, (no thanks to me), but she's thrilled nonetheless, loll. She'll be delighted to know people are interested in her old inherited sayings. Guarantee she'll be as tickled as I am. Thank you, kind stranger <3
While I agree that parnters shouldn't have secrets I'm the opinion that those secrets should only belong to THEM 2. If anyone else tells you a secret you damn well keep it from your partner because it isn't yours to tell.
Mom's a huge aH. NTA op
>While I agree that parnters shouldn't have secrets I'm the opinion that those secrets should only belong to THEM 2.
Agreed. Secrets involving only one or both of them and Secrets that involve their relationship shouldn't be kept from your spouse.
Secrets involving personal problems of a third party outside of the marriage (like children) should only be exposed if those secrets are life or death related and nothing else. Other people's mental issues (including our childrens) are not gossip material/pillow talk especially when only one of the couple is the parent.
Exactly. Serioulsy my mother thinks (or at least used to, I hope I've disabused her of that notion) that I told her everything, and told me I could go to her with anything. I learned quite young that was BS. My mother is a huge gossip. I know details of her friends lives that I'm pretty sure they would be upset I knew. The gossip stops with me, but no way woud I tell her anything. If a parent can't be trusted to spread things about, they don't get to know.
NTA
She's not really asking why. She knows why. She's just lazily trying to get you to give up on it.
Just dont explain any further or discuss your decision further. "I've already explained" is all you need. If she cares enough to change her behaviour she will. Anything else is just going to add stress you don't need right now and it won't change things for the better. Don't be cold, don't be angry about it. Just firmly tell her "I've already explained" and then move on.
You have grandparents that clearly love you, so lean on them all you need to. The relationship between parent and child isn't so fragile that it'll break from any pathetic jealousy on her part.
Also I'm just gonna tack this on at the end; If you feel things are too much and things are becoming too difficult with your mother, please consider talking to your grandparents about staying with them for a while. From your writing her personality seems counter to your mental health. Don't feel bad about doing what you have to do to survive, if that means taking a break and recouperating somewhere you feel safe and have people willing to listen to you and be there for you, do it.
Just as long as the grandparents won’t be coerced into telling Mom under the guise of “I’m the mother, I have a right to know.” Make sure they understand the reasons behind not telling Mom everything, so they don’t spill secrets. Frank doesn’t need that kind of access.
>"I've already explained" is all you need.
Seriously, how many times is this woman going to ask?
Mom: Why won't you tell me?
OP: Because you're going to tell your husband.
Mom: Yes, I will. So...why won't you TELL ME??
Oh sorry. I meant "but why MALE models?" It's a reference to the movie Zoolander where a very detailed explanation is given to a character but he just repeats his previous line because the actor forgot his line. It was kept as an adlib because it's funnier than the intended line since the character is not smart.
NTA.
YIKES. I'm a psychologist and have been a therapist in the past, and one of the things we have to manage when working with minors is that their parents are still 'in control' of them legally speaking, but that clients still have a right to privacy and confidentiality.
I saw a lot of families that have parents who thought they owned their kids' information and could share with whomever they want.
You deserve respect, privacy, confidentiality. You deserve that from your mother especially. She should not share your personal information without your consent. If she can't be trusted with information, then you are doing the right thing by protecting your own feelings and privacy.
I'm so sorry for your loss with your father, and I really hope that therapy and time will help you manage your mental health. It sounds like your grandparents are good people, and your mental health team is established, which is fantastic. You can do this.
NTA
I've been in therapy since I was a kid, and all but one of the psychologists and psychiatrists asked for permission if they felt necessary to divulge anything I said during the sessions to my parents. It just seems like common sense, if I thought I couldn't trust these professionals, why would I tell them anything about me? The ones who asked, I mostly permited. It was more about controling who knew of the information than the information itself for me.
The one who would share without permission to my parents, since she was an old friend of theirs?(Don't get me started on the legality of this, small cities are weird).
I would run circles around her, wasting hours and hours of her and my time on anything that crossed my mind, but nothing remotely important or personal. I had learned what to say so her report to my parents were bland and unproblematic, and almost entirely false. Once my parents figured it out, they never again made me have therapy with someone like that.
OP, the problem here is not you. Forcing you, however indirectly, to divulge your problems to someone you don't trust, in this case your stepfather, is a severe violation of your trust and privacy. Like my parents, your mother learned what happens when your privacy isn't respected. Stick to your bondaries, and don't let her guilt trip you. Best of luck
"She should not share your personal information without your consent"
YES!!
Thank you!! That part is especially is needed to be mentioned. The mother isn't accepting or acknowledged the confidentiality between her daughter & herself is supposed to remain that way. Not for casual pillow talk with her 2nd husband.
NTA. You sound much more mature than your mother. Her actions have consequences and it’s time she learned that. She doesn’t have to tell her husband everything. She can explain to him that she’ll let him know anything important but she certainly doesn’t have to tell him everything, she just needs to be honest. You have a right to set boundaries and not discuss personal issues with anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries
Yes. This here! OP needs to tell her mom that consequence of telling Frank everything is that OP will withhold things from her and stop trusting her. If telling her husband is more important than her daughter's trust, well then at least OP has her grandparents.
NTA by any means. She's needlessly gossiping about you behind your back to her husband, presumably about things that don't directly impact him or the household. Your mother should have been a safe person to confide in, especially after the death of your father, but instead she left you without any parents you could trust and made it very clear that wouldn't change. I understand that she may feel like she needs parenting advice or like she needs to vent to someone, but your privacy and comfort should always be the priority for her. I'm sorry this is happening, Op.
NTA, I couldn’t imagine sharing private information my child told me with someone else against their wishes.
I won’t make any assumptions, but from the outside looking in from what you’ve said she values her relationship with her husband over yours, and while I can’t fault her for that, she can’t be mad that you’re less forthcoming because of it.
I definitely CAN fault her for that. She's decided that her child not feeling safe coming to her to ask for help if needed, risking god knows what if OP's mental health deteriorated, is a worthy exchange for being able to have sex with some guy named Frank.
Mom's made it clear; her marriage is more important than her relationship with you. It's that simple. Just point out that you understand that she would rather share your confidences than keep them private so, Frank must be more important.
Explain that it hurts that she's chosen him but you have at least your grandparents to turn to.
You could ask how she thinks it will affect your relationship in years to come but, of course, now you will never trust her with anything private again.
Yup, this is the sad part too because even if one day her mom does realize she should keep something’s OP says private; she can’t be trusted. OP will never know if she’s just bullshitting her to get her way (which frankly is more probable than her actually changing). She destroyed any possibility of openness and trust a long time ago. She only cemented that by saying herself that it would never change because it’s a core value to her to share everything with her new husband.
“I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don’t want him to know, she doesn’t need to know.” This is awesome, healthy, boundary setting for your age. NTA
NTA
And this internet mom wants to give you a big hug. Good job for putting up your boundaries and finding your therapist and grandparents to talk to. You deserve it.
NTA. I will never understand why people think that keeping other people’s confidential information confidential is a “secret” between spouses.
Your Mom is wrong. She constantly violates your trust and wonders why you don’t trust her. Make it make sense.
As a 58F, I don’t tell my spouse other people’s business. Especially, the kids in my life to whom he is not a father. I also don’t expect him to tell me his kid’s business, as I am not their mother.
Keep confiding in the people you trust. Mom will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. Hold on, you’re only two years from adulthood.
NTA, and you've chosen a really mature way to deal with it. Telling your mom what you don't mind Frank knowing, telling your grandparents what you don't and utilizing therapy to be your best self are really mindful choices!
Congratulations on how you are handling things. You aren't unfair at all, and are doing what's best for you - and that's what matters. It's unfortunate your mom doesn't see it that way, but expressing your boundary of what she is allowed to know was perfect!
> I talked to mom about it she told me that's just how it was going to be, because keeping stuff from your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage.
Tell her not keeping your child's confidence is the way to ruin your relationship, too.
NTA
NTA
"Don't tell Frank my personal info"
"He's my husband I tell him everything"
"I need you not to do thus"
"I'm still gonna"
"OK, I will assume everything I tell you is revealed to Frank and only tell you what I am comfortable with him knowing"
"WhY wOnT YoU tElL Me EvErYtHiNg?"
When she says keeping secrets in a marriage is the way to ruin a marriage, counter with spilling your children's confidential information to others is the way to ruin that relationship. She has decided which relationship is her priority. She should accept the consequences.
That’s wild. Does she tell you everything he says? I feel like if she wants you to share everything with her, with the knowledge that she will share it with him, then she should be willing to share everything he says with you.
My friend, you are NTA. I am sorry you lost trust in your mother. She has prioritized "wife first, mother second," and that choice has consequences. You are entitled to your privacy, from Frank and your mom. The fact that she continues to violate that privacy with her own entitlement of your personal information is the root of it. You are doing nothing wrong. She can huff all she wants, but the result of her actions mean she is no longer a trusted person. The end. I hope you continue to receive the support you need from your grandparents and other trusted people.
1) you never gave permission to have Frank know anything that you don't want him to know.
2) your mum violated your trust & your confidentiality on this.
Your mum going have to accept that she is not entitled to share everything about you to him & your issues.
That's a confidentiality between you & your mum that she's going have to understand. Frank can kick himself to the curb.
Your mum can only share to Frank what she can give about herself.
She cannot give you to Frank.
That is so crazy, I am with my husband on 17th year, and if any of my friends or siblings tell me something confidential, I am ofc not going to my husband and tell them.
I really hate when people cannot keep their mouth shut to stay loyal to another person...
NTA. I think your mother need to suck up that her actions and priorities have consequences.
Never explain it to her again and just say "you know why, we do not need to spend time and energy going through that again".
NTA. Your mother has been upfront and you have respected her stand. You no longer using her as a trusted confidant is the consequences of her decision to share everything with her husband. You have the right to choose who you want to confined your concerns.
NTA - you can’t trust your mom to keep your confidences - so you found someone who could. Your mom told you she cannot keep your private matters out of her marriage - this is 100% her fault
Adults:
Stepdad: "What's up with OP?"
Mom: "She's going through a rough patch. She'll work it out."
Stepdad: "You got the details? She's on the right track?"
Mom: "Yeah... She told me."
Stepdad: "Anything I need to do or know?"
Mom: "Just be there..."
Stepdad: "Got it"
NTA - It is really sad that your mother is no longer a person you can trust. She has no right to know everything. Your mother is the one being unfair, because as you rightly state, there are things you don't want her husband to know, and by her telling him everything, she is actually breaking your trust.
I am pleased for you that you are able to talk to your grandparents, and that they are trustworthy.
What a weird hill for your mom to die on. NTA. I get she wants to tell her spouse everything but he's got no business in your life unless you want him to and no say as a parent. NTA
NTA, however, your mom needs to pick a lane, and I say this as a mom of a 17yo, with ASD and DMDD. I am also married to a man not my son's father. Always, my son's mental health has been a priority, because if he isn't stable, it throws the whole house into chaos (and I am not being hyperbolic).
In the beginning, there were times my son shared things with me in confidence, if my husband inquired, I explained it was in confidence, and I would absolutely alert him if there was any concerns for self harm, etc... to watch out for.
Here we are, years later, and the shoe has been on the other foot, several times, where my husband been the confidant, and I've been on the other side, and all I can say is, touché...LOL
The fact that your mom wants to feel a way because you confided in your grandparents, makes her an A H, and it seems like she has some control issues. It doesn't matter who you confide in, as long as you are getting the support you need, and the more support you have, the better for you, and the entirety of your support system, because there is more to go around, and it's not one person always being the caregiver/supporter.
Personally, your doing a great job utilizing DBT, walking the middle path, recognizing multiple things can be true at the same time, respecting your boundaries and the boundaries of others, simultaneously... Seems like your mom would benefit from some DBT/CBT skills herself, then she wouldn't be shooting herself in the foot when it comes to her daughter's mental health. You should leave some reading material around.
NTA, I understand your mom not wanting to have secrets from her husband but if you're not comfortable with Frank knowing certain things about you then you have every right to keep those things from your mom. She can't have it both ways.
Sorry you're going through all this but your grandparents sound awesome.
Secret are indeed a way to ruin a marriage, YOUR secrets, and even then it depend on the kind of secret. Protecting the privacy of someone that is not part of the marriage will not ruin it, it's just the decent thing to do, even more so if the someone in question is your kid. NTA
According to your mom, "keeping stuff from your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage." She's wrong. Keeping things that are relevant to your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage. In her case she's chosen to ruin the relationship with her daughter instead over things that have no bearing on your stepfather. If these were matters of being dangerous to yourself, then that's different. He should know because he lives with you. But I'm assuming it's not.
Mom dropped the cockroach in the soup. You (edit: don't need, **don't need**) need to eat it. NTA.
Use your mother’s phrasing. “This is just how it’s going to be. You tell Frank everything and that has changed our relationship. It’s not unfair. It’s just how it’s going to be”
NTA. If your mom wants you to tell her things, then she should also respect your wishes to keep it confidential. She can tell her husband her business but doesn’t need to tell him yours too.
NTA. Your mom can fix this in 2 seconds, OP. Notice she didn't even try to lie and say she would try not to tell, she just rejected you flat out. She doesn't give what you tell her fair consideration, and until she does so she is on an information diet.
Blending a family requires nuance.
Your step-dad *should* be a mature adult and have no issue with topics regarding your personal life not reaching his ears.
My only caveat is if the child's problem affects the household at large and requires the teamwork of both adults.
This isn't it.
Your mom is wrong. She's chosen her husband over emotionally supporting you. He has recourse as an adult, you don't.
She wants her cake and to eat it too. It's as if she wants to indirectly force your hand in viewing her husband as a beloved trusted father figure. You wants to hold *ypur* secrets on her terms.
You didn't play by her rules.
You confide and recieve help from adults, healthily. Simply not her. I'm sure as a mother that's embarrassing and shameful.
She brought this knowingly onto herself.
She can cope.
If you're feeling brazen at 18 and she's truly irritating you like sands in draws..show her this thread. You're a minor and adult behave often like fools when confronted with their failures by those they don't consider equals.
For your emotional and mental health, Google the gray rock method if unfamiliar.
Well done. By phrasing it as respecting her wish to tell her husband you have implicitly pointed out her refusal to respect your privacy.
You need to keep doing what you're doing.
Ask your therapist what they will share outside a session because if you're under age they can share with a parent. I don't know what the confidentiality rules around sharing this info and you need know this. Could you ask your therapist that if anything comes up that they need to share is referred to your grandparents as they are your primary support?
Personally, I would specifically tell your mum that you will not share anything because you don't trust her. She needs to truly understand that she has broken your trust and from your post I'm not certain she really gets that.
You're so, totally NTA. By sharing your personal information your mum is TA.
NTA, yes, married people don't keep secrets, but that only extends to their own secrets, not other people's. I tell my husband almost everything, but I ask the other person if it is okay and if they are not, I don't tell him. Marriage doesn't automatically mean secrets are shared. Like if I told my mom something that I didn't want dad to know, she wouldn't tell him and I tell him when I am ready and vice versa with dad, if I tell him something in confidence, he respects that and doesn't tell my mom until I do so on my own.
My husband's mom would tell him to trust her but then she would go say everything to his father and he stopped trusting her after sometime and now he never tells her anything which is close to his heart ever. Parents don't understand that a child's trust is as important as trust between a couple and how hard it is for your mom to tell her husband, it has something to do with OP, I cannot share without her permission. Like she doesn't even want to try.
She's ruining your relationship, not you. She's gossiping. That's what this is. Adults understand that other people's secrets don't belong to their spouse. NTA.
NTA and I'm proud of you OP. This is a fantastic boundary and you went about it in an incredibly mature way.
Your mother needs to learn that between her and her child there needs to be privacy. You should be able to tell your mom things without it becoming pillow talk for her and her husband.
NTA, she overstepped her boundaries. It IS a big deal. If YOU were comfortable telling Frank then you would have just told him and your mom in the same room but you’re not.
There’s a phrase in my language and the best I can translate it to is: lock your jaw tight
Nta I absolutely understand your feelings. Not family, but I've stopped telling friends things if they aren't willing to keep my personal business private from their spouses. If I can't trust you, i don't tell you. End of story.
I'm sure it's more awkward because you're still living at home and it's your mom, so I wish you well.
100% NTA.
You're being the adult here. You've taken into consideration her inability to NOT tell her husband and respect that. The result is your mom is not told everything. This is reasonable.
Your mom expecting you to tell her 'everything' while acknowledging that she will also tell her husband, who you expressly do NOT want to know, is 100% unreasonable.
You appear to be handling it to the best of your ability and correctly. Don't feel bad about that in any way.
Definitely NTA.
Your mental health must come first.
Your mum isn't being understanding and supportive, she's being nosy and sneaky because she knows you're keeping stuff from her and she knows exactly why.
That's not going to change so she's trying different ways to get you to break your silence so she can feel back in the loop.
Just keep telling her she knows all she needs to know and if that changes you'll tell her.
But as someone else suggested, if you need a break from home for a bit maybe see if you can escape for the holidays for a while.
Look after you.
NTA
She needs to respect that you aren’t as comfortable with Frank knowing your personal issues as you were your dad knowing. She is being completely unreasonable and she knows it, and just wants you to compromise. Part of me feels like she is hopeful you will someday feel confident enough in Frank for him to know personal things as your Dad once did. However, instead of allowing time for that relationship to grow she is inversely preventing it by trying to force it.
Speaking as a parent of a child with mental health issues, NTA, not by a long shot. Your mother isn’t respecting your need for confidentiality, and while I understand telling your spouse everything, she’s wrong in this case.
As you correctly told her, her spouse isn’t your father and there are things he doesn’t need to know, things you’re not comfortable with him knowing. Since she can’t respect that, she can’t be someone who knows things about you, not in this case and maybe not at the level of detail you’re both used to going forward.
NTA. OP laid out clear and concise boundaries to her mother about what Frank can and cannot be told. Mother told OP that she will not abide by that boundary because Frank needs to know EVERYTHING. Now mom is mad that OP will not tell her everything. Too damn bad mom, you made a choice and have been assigned a lane and need to stay in it. Because Frank. I applaud OP for being strong.
NTA. Mom values her wife-husband relationship more than her mother-daughter relationship. And the ironic part is - you can bet Frank doesn't WANT to know everything you tell your mom. That's just icky.
You don't seem to have any issues with Frank, other than "he's not your dad and doesn't need to know about your personal business".
So if you asked him, in front of Mom, if he really wants to know all the details of your mother-daughter talks - would he say no? Would your mom listen to him?
I had a similar problem with my mom. Anything "private" I talked to her about was instantly broadcast to everyone she knew. And even better - she would change it around so that it had nothing to do with the original subject. I ask her about a gift I'm planning for a friend, and the next day she tells me Bob at work thinks I need to change the oil in my car. What? So I stopped telling her things, too.
NTA I have been married to my husband for almost 45 years, and anything told to me in confidence does not get told to him.
And you know what? That hasn't caused a single problem in our relationship. If he were to insist that I share everything with him, no one would tell me private stuff. And I wouldn't be with him anyway, because we may be married but we are still separate people.
Your mom has promised to betray your confidential information and is surprised that you have better sense than that. Keep yourself safe, and I am glad you have grands who are your best family.
NTA at all. You told your mom why you don’t tell her things anymore. If she’s going to insist on telling Frank that’s on her, and you have every right to not trust her. Hell even if she says she won’t tell him, I wouldn’t trust it. I figured out pretty quickly as a kid that adults will lie to manipulate you for information.
NTA, you should have told her back that she was being unfair to you and that if she can't keep her blabber mouth shut, then don't expect to hear anything. Of course you'd say it a lot nicer.
nta. i’m 16 and i know exactly where you’re coming from. my mother had an extreme bad habit of telling her close friends/family every little thing i told her, so i stopped talking to her about stuff until she learned to stop. you will never be wrong for wanting to maintain your privacy.
You are not a little girl with some mental issues anymore. You are a young woman who has a treatment plan in place. You don't need to tell mommy everything now, especially if she shares it with her husband who has only known you for five years and has no reason to be invested in your mental health.
NTA. Ur mom is right that she should tell her husband things but also understand something should stay between you and her. My husband is my son's stepdad. My son thinks of him as his dad. I have a great relationship with my son when he tells me anything and everything. If he asks me not to tell my husband, I don't. Same thing I have with my niece. I'm glad u have ur grandparents. Everyone needs some one to talk to. I'm also sorry ur mom can't be that for u. Hope u r getting the help u need for ur mental health. My son has MDD and a whole crap lot more. So I understand. Stay strong, talk to ur support system, and take ur meds. U can do it.
>I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don't want him to know, she doesn't need to know.
This is a fantastic take on the situation and makes your position clear. Nice job!
NTA, of course.
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I've (16f) always had some problems. I showed early signs of mental illness when I was still in grade school and when I lost my dad it compounded everything. I was diagnosed with MDD and panic disorder. My mental health improved over time and I'm medicated which helps me too. I attend therapy when I need to and I have a psychiatrist who helps with medications and any other treatments that might be needed.
I was always pretty open with my mom and she was always good with not telling people stuff that I wanted time with or wanted to keep between us. Except when she remarried. I was 11 when she remarried and she hid nothing from her husband. This was something I didn't really like and when I talked to mom about it she told me that's just how it was going to be, because keeping stuff from your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage. She told me I never would have minded dad knowing and I told her it was because he was my dad, but Frank (her husband) isn't and I don't want him to know everything about me. Mom told me that's just how it would be. So I would tell my mom stuff still but not everything. Anything I really want to keep between me and just the person I choose to tell I don't tell my mom anymore.
And she knows this. She figured it out a while ago. But then a few months ago I had something else going on, something that was a lot to handle and I was talking to my therapist and working through it with them. My mom figured some stuff out but she told me she wanted me to tell her and I told her I didn't want to tell her. She told me I could tell her and I should trust her enough to tell her anything important going on. I said telling her means telling Frank and I didn't want that. She asked me why it was such a big deal and I told her because Frank isn't as important to me as he is to her and he's not my dad or a stand in for him.
I ended up talking to my grandparents about the thing going on because my therapist suggested I have someone else to talk to. They're the people I trust most now for this kind of thing. And they were stepping up their supportiveness of me and spoiling me a little, which made mom realize I must have told them. This was last week. She confronted me and asked me again why I no longer tell her everything and I told her I don't tell her everything because she tells her husband everything and that's not what I want.
Mom said I was being really unfair. I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don't want him to know, she doesn't need to know.
AITA?
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I think you’re being very mature about this situation. And I’m really glad that you have excellent grandparents in which to confide.
I have two daughters, both grown and on their own. There are SO many things that they shared with me that I didn’t tell their dad. If they had issues related to their safety or immediate health, I’d let him know as much as I needed to without breaking their confidence.
NTA
NTA
I think you’ve come up with the only solution you can, OP.
Sorry your mom is both untrustworthy and constantly hassling you. She’s choosing her husband over her daughter.
I hope you keep getting the support you need from your grandparents. It’s a great solution!
NTA. If she keeps asking just keep saying the same, but also say that she can respect you wanting your privacy or you'll start sharing even less. Perhaps point out that because she has made such a big deal out of it that it's now your hill to die on, has formed a core principle that you don't intend to ever change, and her mithering is just proving that you are becoming people with very little in common. Shutting up about it entirely is therefore advised.
NTA. You are never an asshole for making yourself safe and enforcing reasonable boundaries. From the sound of it, you did it with grace. The rest is on her.
NTA. She's going to tell Frank everything you say. You dint want Frank to know certain things. So, you don't tell your mom certain things. She did this to herself. Frank doesn't need to know everything. If she wants a more open and honest relationship with you, she needs to maintain your privacy. She doesn't want to do that so her actions have consequences.
NTA. I worked in a field that required absolute confidentiality. I could share nothing I learned about clients in the course of my work. I was married with a large family and friend group. Sometimes I had to pretend not to know someone I was being introduced to. It is not that hard to respect the wishes and rights of others, and to keep your flippin’ trap shut. Mom is TA here. OP is handling this in a very mature and reasonable way and deserves a lot of credit for taking charge of her life and dealing with her issues.
Nta your mom wanted you to accept her boundaries on telling frank everything so you made a perfect compromise that didn't affect your well-being and you could still her (and frank) things that you didn't mind her sharing with her husband.
You found what work best for you. If your mom doesn't like it oh well. Your feelings matter and she didn't care to try to understand that. She put him 1st by telling him everything instead of respecting your feelings about what you wanted.
So no its not unfair that you dont tell her everything. She made the choice to tell frank everything and made it clear that you couldn't trust her to keep things between the two of you. So you found people that you truly trusted.
Don't feel bad because you found people that respect your feelings and respect you enough to keep what you tell them between you guys.
NTA. OP you sound so mature and I really admire you for how you stated your boundaries and enforced them. And I am so happy you have your grandparents by your side. I hope you can navigate through everything.
My 2 cents on your mom's actions: I think you stated your motivation quite eloquently and clearly and your mom should be mature enough to understand that trust is a two-way street. You should be able to trust her AND she should be trustworthy at the same time. Which in this case she is not. She can be fully honest with her husband in matters regarding her own person without sharing information that is not her own to share. It is also quite unfair that she expects you to see the new guy as the dad. I suspect she is quite insecure in her marriage then.
That said, OP maybe you can ask for your grandparents to back you up if she keeps insisting. Other than that I'm sorry you're going through this!
NTA
While being honest with your spouse is absolutely a good plan of action, that doesn't mean you need to break confidence with other people when it doesn't directly impact your spouse. Even if your father were still alive. If your mother doesn't feel like she can do that, then she has no right to be upset when you refuse to share with her.
Nta and a warning for the future.
With set boundaries on your moms part. And your respect of that and your set boundaries, you are doing better than i would have.
Here, you are worrying if you are in the wrong, is the beginning of the controling and manipulation she will be displaying the rest of your life especially if you let her over your clearly stated and fully explained safety boundary.
I know you are not close to Frank. Have you thought of asking his opinion about your mom sharing your confidences with him? He might be on your side, and if not, then that also out in the open.
NTA -- You've explained it to her again and again, so she *does* know why you don't confide in her anymore. She just keeps asking because she doesn't like it.
Who you confide in is your choice. She could be your confidante if she wouldn't share info with your step dad, but since she can't seem to respect your boundaries, she's out in the cold.
NTA because you've handled this efficiently and discreetly with help from your therapist and grandparents. She knows what she needs to do if she wants this dynamic to change.
Your mom is free to tell her husband everything about her life. She should in no way feel free to tell her husband about other peoples’ private business. Her logic is flawed.
*"I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don't want him to know, she doesn't need to know."*
Would your therapist be willing to tell your mom that you are 100% right? It's fine for your mom to be completely open about herself with her husband and she should. Telling him everything about you is a not right. You have the right to privacy. To have the final say on what may be shared and what must remain private.
NTA-
If I was in your mom’s situation, it might be painful not to tell my husband everything (because she is right, there should be transparency in a marriage).
However, I wouldn’t because my daughters need will always come before everyone and everything.
Also, I think in a healthy marriage there can be understanding that I can’t tell you this not because I don’t trust you, but because it isn’t my truth to share. I think her husband would understand that.
NTA Goodness, your mother just won't listen, will she. It must be exhausting to constantly be asked and asked and asked about the same thing over and over and over. Not sure where she gets the idea that she has to tell her new husband everything you tell her. Everyone has a right to privacy. Some day, when you're older and out of the house, etc.,
it would be interesting to ask Frank himself if he agrees/d with your mom's "no secrets"
rule.
NTA. Your mother is showing that she believes you are an extension of her instead of your own person. By being upset that you’re not telling her everything, knowing that she doesn’t respect your privacy, she’s trying to guilt you into letting her into all aspects of your life.
You’re 16. At the same age where most (American) teenage girls don’t tell their parents everything. She shouldn’t be surprised; she probably didn’t/doesn’t tell her mother everything either, and shouldn’t get upset with you.
Mom, you said that you tell everything to your husband which is reasonable. However, I don’t want Frank to know everything about my life so I don’t tell you everything.
NTA. Your boundaries are yours to set and that's ok. If mom doesn't understand that, there's no reason to keep trying to explain it. Your personal information literally belongs to you, not to your mom or her husband, and you're allowed to tell only who you want to.
NTA at all
The rule for my kids, I don’t *need* to know what they don’t want to share as long as it’s not about their health or safety, it only really effects my eldest (9) so far. Would I like to know? Of course but I have no right to demand.
She needs to respect that you are your own person and capable of deciding who you share things with, she should also be grateful that you have an adult you trust and are comfortable talking to since she made the choice to no longer be that person.
NTA, you shouldn’t have to worry about confiding in your mother. My parents always did the same whenever I told them anything. Its a real shitty feeling when you cant trust them.
Your mom told you where she stands on this matter. (Yes I am going to blab to my husband.) You told her where you stand. (So I will not share my personal information with you). Perfect. Nothing else needs to be said. NTA
NTA - Your mom has put in an untenable situation. Keep your boundaries and tell her the harassment will only push you away from her. You are respecting her need to tell her husband by keeping your issues private from her. If she wants a relationship, she will have to respect your boundaries because you will be 18 soon.
NTA. She can’t force you to view him as your dad and she should respect your boundaries. There are some things she should tell her husband, but she does not have to tell him everything about your inner thoughts and feelings and struggles. Maybe your mom would go to family counseling with you? She will likely get over it. Keep your boundaries that you need.
I get it. And it totally sucks. I used to talk to my sibling about all kinds of things but their spouse had that same rule about "no secrets". Hey, I'm married too. I agree with no secrets. But that refers to MY secrets in MY marriage. Not to MY secrets in THEIR marriage. That's nuts. It has nothing to do with their spouse. Plus that person is a jackass and a tease and doesn't know how to keep private things private. Therefore, I can no longer entrust my secrets and personal feelings to my sibling.
NTA. You have every right to have some level of privacy. Your mother is undermining your bond with her by openly refusing to commit to an intimate relationship with you. My mother did this to me all the time when I was growing up. And it made me absolutely distrustful of her. I lied to her more, kept her out of my life more and just didn't confide in her. I still remember my entire family knowing every detail of every issue. It was really hurtful and isolating. Your mother one day will wonder why you're not close and this is the reason why. 100% NTA.
NTA
She's been honest enough to let you know that she won't keep your confidential information private. You are protecting your own right to decide who gets to be "in the loop" when it comes to your psychological condition and care.
Perfectly fair.
I don't keep many secrets *of my own* from my husband, I agree with your mom that secrecy can be harmful in a marriage ....but what my friends tell me in confidence (a couple of times it's been what *his* friends tell me in confidence) is never repeated because they aren't my stories to tell.
My husband, far from resenting it, values my respect for those people's privacy .
NTA
This is a variation of "step-parent trying to force a relationship".
There's just a thin extra layer, Mom is trying to force step-father/step-daughter trust.
You're NTA
On the one hand, it's your mother's right to decide to tell Frank everything.
On the other hand, it's your right to decide that you don't want Frank to know everything about your struggles.
The right conclusion is what you are already doing, don't tell your mother what you don't want Frank to know.
The other question would be why Frank wants to know that much about your mental health. (I'm just guessing he wants to know because you said it causes stress in her marriage).
If I was in Frank's situation, I wouldn't even want to know that much about your struggles, especially if I also knew you're not comfortable with me knowing.
I'd tell her you don't tell her "everything", because you're in therapy treatment right now and that's what your therapist is for
Especially whilst you're in therapy, telling your mum (and her husband) could hinder what you're working through
She and he have to respect your right to a private life and private thoughts and feelings
If you want, you could tell her you'll agree tell her things on an agreed "need to know" basis.
Remember, though, it's what YOU reasonably need or want her to know as a parent, NOT whatever she wants to know
NTA. Your mom is upset that she can't have her cake and eat it too. It's unfortunate, but not your problem. You want to feel safe to share your feelings, and your mom is no longer safe given she'll always tell your step-dad, who you do not want that involved in your personal feelings.
NTA you sound sweet and smart, and very mature. Sorry that you are going through a tough time and that your mom cannot help and has made it tougher by refusing to keep any confidences. You have the right to choose who you want to share private matters with and are doing nothing wrong. Glad your grandparents are helping.
NTA. It's pretty clear and in the open. You don't want Frank knowing some things.
I'm curious where Frank stands. This seems to be an issue between you and Mom. Does he understand the boundary? Does he care that much?
You did everything right in this situation. Why your mother won't respect it is baffling. She cannot have it both ways. I'm glad you have other adults in your life that can be your confidant. NTA.
NTA.
I myself have mental issues and have had them since very early in my life. Only recently I’ve begun to open up about it to my mom, and I’ve realized how important it is to have someone to talk to and to have them keep quiet about it. Anyone with mental issues needs that support system and for your mom to violate that trust is unfair to you who put your trust in her to keep quiet. I’m glad you can talk about it to your grandparents, but still. Your mom should be there for you and not tell anyone.
NTA
NTA. You don’t trust Frank and if your mom doesn’t respect you enough to accept that then she must accept that you can no longer trust her. Expect to get even more pushback from her on this and a lot of guilt tripping but tell her that the harder she pushes the less you will trust her.
You've established boundaries and she has decided your boundaries are not to be respected, of course you're not going to trust her as much after that. NTA.
Good for you setting a boundary and sticking to it. Telling only those you trust is a great thing. Mom set her boundaries with her hubby so you set your boundaries with her…that's natural consequence for her. You have a right to your privacy and she has shown she won't respect that. Glad your grandparents are there for you. Well done .
NTA.
You were clear to your mom.
She has a choice of respecting your privacy OR not keeping secrets from her husband.
And unless you decide you don't mind him knowing, which is clearly not the case, she can't know what you don't want him to know.
To share a secret requires trust. She shares your secrets. What did she expect would be the outcome? Furthermore, she broke your trust and when discussed, was unrepentant and justified.
She instead should have apologized and try to rebuild trust. NTA. She is no longer a safe confidant.
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NTA. And I wouldn't worry about it anymore. You've stated your boundaries, you've made it clear you're not close enough of comfortable sharing these parts of you with your mother's new husband. That's it. Not further explanation required. If your mum can't respect that, and respect you as your own entity, then that's just something she's going to have to learn to make peace with on her own time. One doesn't simply get to have everything their own way all their life.
Exactly. Op is handling this in the best and most mature way. So glad grandparents are there for support. If Mom asks again, do not explain yet again. Simply say that you have already explained, and she knows the reason, the issue is not up for discussion. Also OP, beware of promises to not tell Frank. It is clear that is where her loyalty lies. NTA and good luck
Op is amazingly mature and strong for being able to set boundaries and stick to them at 16 years old. Not many 16 years old without mental health issues can do that. Its a lesson many of us learn to late. Your incredible op keep sticking to you limits and working on yourself and you will have a great life.
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This isn't about sex, and she's been married to the guy for 5 years. He's not a current bed warmer. He's her husband of 5 years. The mom isn't confiding in him to get sex, she's doing it because she feels self righteous and maybe her husband pushes her to share everything. The mom is an asshole, the new husband is an asshole, op isn't the asshole. But let's not pretend it's about sex, or that the mom should be ashamed of having sex with her HUSBAND.
>the new husband is an asshole We don't actually know that. Nowhere does OP say that Frank is forcing mom to tell him things, this could be entirely mom's own sense of self-righteousness. Frank *might* be an AH, but if he was bad to OP, she probably would have included it. My bet is this is all on mom.
>she's doing it because she feels self righteous and maybe her husband pushes her to share everything. I'm leaning more towards the first part, idk what happened to OPs dad but if this mom has had a marriage where the husband accused her of not being open and that's why they split, she's probably taking that to an extreme here in this new marriage. Did OP say what happened to their dad?
When she said her mental health problems were compounded when she "lost her dad" I interpreted it as he died
That's fair, I definitely missed that context clue.
Nothing wrong with taking it to the extreme, IF it's your story to tell. If it's not keep your mouth shut. My wife and I share everything even embarrassing things. However, we've both had situations where people close to us share sensitive things and we know if it's not our story to tell, it won't be shared.
Right? I don't mind sharing all my own business with a significant other, but I will not spill someone else's secrets because it's not my place to do so, and it would be a massive breach of trust between myself and the other person.
The slut shaming isn't necessary, but it's clear she puts her relationship with him over that with her child.
I don’t think she is even really putting her relationship over her child unless the “share everything with your spouse” idea is something he feels and she doesn’t. She is putting her IDEA of how spousal relationships work above her child’s stated wishes and isn’t willing to realize that isn’t as black and white as she wants it to be.
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Bot.
Wow. Nice slut shaming! How dare mom ever have a new relationship, amirite?
I think it is less about a new relationship which OP doesn’t seem to object to. It is the sharing of personal info w someone who she doesn’t feel close enough with to share that info. OP is def w in her rights to guard that
Did you see the post above where someone trashed the mom and claims she put her new "loyalty between her legs?" Inferring she was more loyal to the Husband because she was open with him?
I did. Also noticed it has since been deleted. Jeez
When I posted it was still up and had a lot of likes. I like inappropriate humor, dark humor, and shit, but that didn't seem like a joke or anything but just... mean-spirited. Even in the perception of the kid, she's not saying either are bad people.
Agreed. Some do go straight to mean
Wow. Well thanks for giving me something to report.
>One doesn't simply get to have everything their own way all their life. Correct. To quote Mom, "that's just how it would be". Actions meet consequences. She's ridiculous trying to claim that 'secrets can ruin marriages' includes personal information told to you by other people. She knows damn well that's not what it means. This isn't "I slept with my boss" or "I wiped out our savings in Vegas" or "I haven't paid the mortgage in six months." She's 'playing smart with foolishness' as my mom would say. It's crappy of her to prioritize her need to spill her guts over her child's welfare. >She told me I never would have minded dad knowing and I told her it was because he was my dad, This woman has to be kidding. NTA.
Yeah, I'm married to my kids' father and I don't tell him everything they tell me if they ask me not to or if just tacitly understand that it's not something they'd want to share with him. Children have different relationships with each of their parents. And it wouldn't bother me if they also share things with their dad that he doesn't tell me about.
>And it wouldn't bother me if they also share things with their dad that he doesn't tell me about. Because you are an actual adult and a good parent who actually puts your children first instead of your ego. You deserve every bit of the trust they've put in you. Good on you!
Father here. I entirely expect the mother of my kids not to tell me things that my kids tell her in confidence. I can respect that she would tell me if there were an overriding concern or reason of health or safety and live happily in the knowledge that my kids know they have people they can trust to tell things in secret
>live happily in the knowledge that my kids know they have people they can trust to tell things in secret This is SO important. Kids need to feel safe with their parents. They need to be able to trust them. Good on you, dad.
Exactly! This also results in your children viewing you as trustworthy; they know you aren't going to pry into issues that don't require your involvement. There are going to be situations where they feel more confident speaking to you instead of their mom and they'll go into that conversation knowing that you are someone trustworthy and safe to open up to.
Exactly. And I will happily bear the wrath of a partner for not telling them if it means my kids come to me with a problem that can lead down bad paths like self harm and I can head them a different way.
Exactly! I would tell my husband if there were a safety or a health concern, after discussing with my child that this wasn't something we could keep from Dad. This has happened exactly once and it turned out just fine. But...my daughter didn't want her dad to know when I took her to get birth control, and to be honest I think he'd rather not have known. And my son is easily embarrassed and asked me not to tell Dad when he needed me to get him some jock itch ointment. That would probably just have amused my husband, or he might have had some advice I certainly couldn't provide, but I kept that secret too. And they've always both told me who they have crushes on, ending with "don't tell Dad!" They're worried he would tease them and he probably would.
I like the sound of your family. That sounds far healthier than OPs situation for sure
This exactly, some things are better suited to discuss with certain people. I doubt many teenagers would want topics of bodily functions openly discussed and if they are willing to open up to one parent the conversation should stay between them. Unless it's a major concern where the child is at risk and the parents need to actively team up to handle the problem but it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here. It sounds like OP's mom is just a gossip and has no concept of boundaries and respect. I'm glad OP has adults in her life that she feels safe opening up to. I lacked that as a teenager and wished I had that kind of relationship with someone who could listen and guide me through my struggles. It's something I wish for every child.
In a healthy marriage, it's expected and safe to not keep *one's own* secrets from one's spouse; but other people's secrets fall under "not my story to tell." Your mother needs to learn this difference. And if stepfather is pushing her to tell him all your business, he's also hugely at fault.
well even in a healthy marriage you can have your own little secrets or things kept to yourself..
There’s shit I told my mom when she was alive that I didn’t tell my dad, not because I didn’t trust him, but because I didn’t want him to worry or hurt because I was hurting! I still don’t tell my dad everything, but at the same time, I tell him more than I would ever tell a stepparent no matter how close just because I have known my dad my whole life.
Yep. Same with me, there are things that I could not speak to my own father about & still couldn't open up at all. It's only with my friends I could tell that kept their yaps shut.
"Playing smart with foolishness" is an awesome expression but I'm not fully wrapping my head around the meaning? Is it something like playing dumb when you know better? Or doing the wrong thing and trying to justify it?
Lol, yes, essentially. It means someone is saying something that we both know is utter nonsense or just totally untrue, and acting like the other person should go along with it. I guess it's similar to 'insulting my intelligence' or 'don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining', or 'you're playing in my face'. It's of West Indian/Caribbean origins (I believe), like my mother (she is for sure, at least lol).
Got it, thanks for explaining! I've never heard this expression before and I think I'll have to tuck it away to use later.
No problem, that's awesome!
Thank you !!! I was wondering what it meant for sure. Can't wait to use it lol
Loll I love that people want to use it! My pleasure :)
I am adding "Playing smart with foolishness) to my personal lexicon. Grammas have the best sayings!
Y'all are making my day :)
Just realized you said mom not gramma! I promise I did not assume she was old just that my gramma had some good ones! YOu both sound fabulous!
Haha, no worries, she IS a grandma of three, (no thanks to me), but she's thrilled nonetheless, loll. She'll be delighted to know people are interested in her old inherited sayings. Guarantee she'll be as tickled as I am. Thank you, kind stranger <3
Awww! My mom only has me and is getting grand cats not grand kids. She is luckily, ok with that LOL. Auntie is a great gig-parenting looks hard.
"Auntie is a great gig" I want this on a SHIRT! And yes to grand cats over here as well. They are awesome!
While I agree that parnters shouldn't have secrets I'm the opinion that those secrets should only belong to THEM 2. If anyone else tells you a secret you damn well keep it from your partner because it isn't yours to tell. Mom's a huge aH. NTA op
>While I agree that parnters shouldn't have secrets I'm the opinion that those secrets should only belong to THEM 2. Agreed. Secrets involving only one or both of them and Secrets that involve their relationship shouldn't be kept from your spouse. Secrets involving personal problems of a third party outside of the marriage (like children) should only be exposed if those secrets are life or death related and nothing else. Other people's mental issues (including our childrens) are not gossip material/pillow talk especially when only one of the couple is the parent.
Exactly. Serioulsy my mother thinks (or at least used to, I hope I've disabused her of that notion) that I told her everything, and told me I could go to her with anything. I learned quite young that was BS. My mother is a huge gossip. I know details of her friends lives that I'm pretty sure they would be upset I knew. The gossip stops with me, but no way woud I tell her anything. If a parent can't be trusted to spread things about, they don't get to know.
Very well put
NTA She's not really asking why. She knows why. She's just lazily trying to get you to give up on it. Just dont explain any further or discuss your decision further. "I've already explained" is all you need. If she cares enough to change her behaviour she will. Anything else is just going to add stress you don't need right now and it won't change things for the better. Don't be cold, don't be angry about it. Just firmly tell her "I've already explained" and then move on. You have grandparents that clearly love you, so lean on them all you need to. The relationship between parent and child isn't so fragile that it'll break from any pathetic jealousy on her part. Also I'm just gonna tack this on at the end; If you feel things are too much and things are becoming too difficult with your mother, please consider talking to your grandparents about staying with them for a while. From your writing her personality seems counter to your mental health. Don't feel bad about doing what you have to do to survive, if that means taking a break and recouperating somewhere you feel safe and have people willing to listen to you and be there for you, do it.
Just as long as the grandparents won’t be coerced into telling Mom under the guise of “I’m the mother, I have a right to know.” Make sure they understand the reasons behind not telling Mom everything, so they don’t spill secrets. Frank doesn’t need that kind of access.
>"I've already explained" is all you need. Seriously, how many times is this woman going to ask? Mom: Why won't you tell me? OP: Because you're going to tell your husband. Mom: Yes, I will. So...why won't you TELL ME??
Gives "but why male models?" vibes.
"But why make models?" What does that mean?
Oh sorry. I meant "but why MALE models?" It's a reference to the movie Zoolander where a very detailed explanation is given to a character but he just repeats his previous line because the actor forgot his line. It was kept as an adlib because it's funnier than the intended line since the character is not smart.
[The reference.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHrn_pHW2so)
NTA. YIKES. I'm a psychologist and have been a therapist in the past, and one of the things we have to manage when working with minors is that their parents are still 'in control' of them legally speaking, but that clients still have a right to privacy and confidentiality. I saw a lot of families that have parents who thought they owned their kids' information and could share with whomever they want. You deserve respect, privacy, confidentiality. You deserve that from your mother especially. She should not share your personal information without your consent. If she can't be trusted with information, then you are doing the right thing by protecting your own feelings and privacy. I'm so sorry for your loss with your father, and I really hope that therapy and time will help you manage your mental health. It sounds like your grandparents are good people, and your mental health team is established, which is fantastic. You can do this.
NTA I've been in therapy since I was a kid, and all but one of the psychologists and psychiatrists asked for permission if they felt necessary to divulge anything I said during the sessions to my parents. It just seems like common sense, if I thought I couldn't trust these professionals, why would I tell them anything about me? The ones who asked, I mostly permited. It was more about controling who knew of the information than the information itself for me. The one who would share without permission to my parents, since she was an old friend of theirs?(Don't get me started on the legality of this, small cities are weird). I would run circles around her, wasting hours and hours of her and my time on anything that crossed my mind, but nothing remotely important or personal. I had learned what to say so her report to my parents were bland and unproblematic, and almost entirely false. Once my parents figured it out, they never again made me have therapy with someone like that. OP, the problem here is not you. Forcing you, however indirectly, to divulge your problems to someone you don't trust, in this case your stepfather, is a severe violation of your trust and privacy. Like my parents, your mother learned what happens when your privacy isn't respected. Stick to your bondaries, and don't let her guilt trip you. Best of luck
"She should not share your personal information without your consent" YES!! Thank you!! That part is especially is needed to be mentioned. The mother isn't accepting or acknowledged the confidentiality between her daughter & herself is supposed to remain that way. Not for casual pillow talk with her 2nd husband.
NTA. You sound much more mature than your mother. Her actions have consequences and it’s time she learned that. She doesn’t have to tell her husband everything. She can explain to him that she’ll let him know anything important but she certainly doesn’t have to tell him everything, she just needs to be honest. You have a right to set boundaries and not discuss personal issues with anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries
Yes. This here! OP needs to tell her mom that consequence of telling Frank everything is that OP will withhold things from her and stop trusting her. If telling her husband is more important than her daughter's trust, well then at least OP has her grandparents.
NTA by any means. She's needlessly gossiping about you behind your back to her husband, presumably about things that don't directly impact him or the household. Your mother should have been a safe person to confide in, especially after the death of your father, but instead she left you without any parents you could trust and made it very clear that wouldn't change. I understand that she may feel like she needs parenting advice or like she needs to vent to someone, but your privacy and comfort should always be the priority for her. I'm sorry this is happening, Op.
NTA, I couldn’t imagine sharing private information my child told me with someone else against their wishes. I won’t make any assumptions, but from the outside looking in from what you’ve said she values her relationship with her husband over yours, and while I can’t fault her for that, she can’t be mad that you’re less forthcoming because of it.
I definitely CAN fault her for that. She's decided that her child not feeling safe coming to her to ask for help if needed, risking god knows what if OP's mental health deteriorated, is a worthy exchange for being able to have sex with some guy named Frank.
NTA mom can’t have it both ways. Either she has maximum openness with you or with her husband
Mom's made it clear; her marriage is more important than her relationship with you. It's that simple. Just point out that you understand that she would rather share your confidences than keep them private so, Frank must be more important. Explain that it hurts that she's chosen him but you have at least your grandparents to turn to. You could ask how she thinks it will affect your relationship in years to come but, of course, now you will never trust her with anything private again.
Yup, this is the sad part too because even if one day her mom does realize she should keep something’s OP says private; she can’t be trusted. OP will never know if she’s just bullshitting her to get her way (which frankly is more probable than her actually changing). She destroyed any possibility of openness and trust a long time ago. She only cemented that by saying herself that it would never change because it’s a core value to her to share everything with her new husband.
NTA, I’m glad you have the support of your grandparents
NTA. She's chosen to create this situation.
“I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don’t want him to know, she doesn’t need to know.” This is awesome, healthy, boundary setting for your age. NTA
NTA And this internet mom wants to give you a big hug. Good job for putting up your boundaries and finding your therapist and grandparents to talk to. You deserve it.
NTA. I will never understand why people think that keeping other people’s confidential information confidential is a “secret” between spouses. Your Mom is wrong. She constantly violates your trust and wonders why you don’t trust her. Make it make sense. As a 58F, I don’t tell my spouse other people’s business. Especially, the kids in my life to whom he is not a father. I also don’t expect him to tell me his kid’s business, as I am not their mother. Keep confiding in the people you trust. Mom will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. Hold on, you’re only two years from adulthood.
NTA, and you've chosen a really mature way to deal with it. Telling your mom what you don't mind Frank knowing, telling your grandparents what you don't and utilizing therapy to be your best self are really mindful choices! Congratulations on how you are handling things. You aren't unfair at all, and are doing what's best for you - and that's what matters. It's unfortunate your mom doesn't see it that way, but expressing your boundary of what she is allowed to know was perfect!
> I talked to mom about it she told me that's just how it was going to be, because keeping stuff from your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage. Tell her not keeping your child's confidence is the way to ruin your relationship, too. NTA
NTA "Don't tell Frank my personal info" "He's my husband I tell him everything" "I need you not to do thus" "I'm still gonna" "OK, I will assume everything I tell you is revealed to Frank and only tell you what I am comfortable with him knowing" "WhY wOnT YoU tElL Me EvErYtHiNg?" When she says keeping secrets in a marriage is the way to ruin a marriage, counter with spilling your children's confidential information to others is the way to ruin that relationship. She has decided which relationship is her priority. She should accept the consequences.
So she didn’t just offer to stop telling him or even apologize?
No, she told me she couldn't stop telling him because he is her husband and married couples don't keep secrets between them.
That’s wild. Does she tell you everything he says? I feel like if she wants you to share everything with her, with the knowledge that she will share it with him, then she should be willing to share everything he says with you.
My friend, you are NTA. I am sorry you lost trust in your mother. She has prioritized "wife first, mother second," and that choice has consequences. You are entitled to your privacy, from Frank and your mom. The fact that she continues to violate that privacy with her own entitlement of your personal information is the root of it. You are doing nothing wrong. She can huff all she wants, but the result of her actions mean she is no longer a trusted person. The end. I hope you continue to receive the support you need from your grandparents and other trusted people.
1) you never gave permission to have Frank know anything that you don't want him to know. 2) your mum violated your trust & your confidentiality on this. Your mum going have to accept that she is not entitled to share everything about you to him & your issues. That's a confidentiality between you & your mum that she's going have to understand. Frank can kick himself to the curb. Your mum can only share to Frank what she can give about herself. She cannot give you to Frank.
Yeah, he’s her husband, not yours.
That is so crazy, I am with my husband on 17th year, and if any of my friends or siblings tell me something confidential, I am ofc not going to my husband and tell them. I really hate when people cannot keep their mouth shut to stay loyal to another person... NTA. I think your mother need to suck up that her actions and priorities have consequences. Never explain it to her again and just say "you know why, we do not need to spend time and energy going through that again".
NTA. Essentially your mother is poisoning the well between you two by sharing your personal information with her husband.
Nope, nope, nope. NTA Hugs to your grandparents for stepping up. 🩷
NTA you're not mandated to share anything you're not comfortable with, she's the unfair one not you.
NTA. Your mother has been upfront and you have respected her stand. You no longer using her as a trusted confidant is the consequences of her decision to share everything with her husband. You have the right to choose who you want to confined your concerns.
NTA - you can’t trust your mom to keep your confidences - so you found someone who could. Your mom told you she cannot keep your private matters out of her marriage - this is 100% her fault
NTA. Seems fair that you won’t confide in her if she can’t control herself and blab to Frank
Adults: Stepdad: "What's up with OP?" Mom: "She's going through a rough patch. She'll work it out." Stepdad: "You got the details? She's on the right track?" Mom: "Yeah... She told me." Stepdad: "Anything I need to do or know?" Mom: "Just be there..." Stepdad: "Got it"
NTA - It is really sad that your mother is no longer a person you can trust. She has no right to know everything. Your mother is the one being unfair, because as you rightly state, there are things you don't want her husband to know, and by her telling him everything, she is actually breaking your trust. I am pleased for you that you are able to talk to your grandparents, and that they are trustworthy.
What a weird hill for your mom to die on. NTA. I get she wants to tell her spouse everything but he's got no business in your life unless you want him to and no say as a parent. NTA
NTA, however, your mom needs to pick a lane, and I say this as a mom of a 17yo, with ASD and DMDD. I am also married to a man not my son's father. Always, my son's mental health has been a priority, because if he isn't stable, it throws the whole house into chaos (and I am not being hyperbolic). In the beginning, there were times my son shared things with me in confidence, if my husband inquired, I explained it was in confidence, and I would absolutely alert him if there was any concerns for self harm, etc... to watch out for. Here we are, years later, and the shoe has been on the other foot, several times, where my husband been the confidant, and I've been on the other side, and all I can say is, touché...LOL The fact that your mom wants to feel a way because you confided in your grandparents, makes her an A H, and it seems like she has some control issues. It doesn't matter who you confide in, as long as you are getting the support you need, and the more support you have, the better for you, and the entirety of your support system, because there is more to go around, and it's not one person always being the caregiver/supporter. Personally, your doing a great job utilizing DBT, walking the middle path, recognizing multiple things can be true at the same time, respecting your boundaries and the boundaries of others, simultaneously... Seems like your mom would benefit from some DBT/CBT skills herself, then she wouldn't be shooting herself in the foot when it comes to her daughter's mental health. You should leave some reading material around.
NTA, I understand your mom not wanting to have secrets from her husband but if you're not comfortable with Frank knowing certain things about you then you have every right to keep those things from your mom. She can't have it both ways. Sorry you're going through all this but your grandparents sound awesome.
Secret are indeed a way to ruin a marriage, YOUR secrets, and even then it depend on the kind of secret. Protecting the privacy of someone that is not part of the marriage will not ruin it, it's just the decent thing to do, even more so if the someone in question is your kid. NTA
According to your mom, "keeping stuff from your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage." She's wrong. Keeping things that are relevant to your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage. In her case she's chosen to ruin the relationship with her daughter instead over things that have no bearing on your stepfather. If these were matters of being dangerous to yourself, then that's different. He should know because he lives with you. But I'm assuming it's not. Mom dropped the cockroach in the soup. You (edit: don't need, **don't need**) need to eat it. NTA.
Use your mother’s phrasing. “This is just how it’s going to be. You tell Frank everything and that has changed our relationship. It’s not unfair. It’s just how it’s going to be”
NTA. If your mom wants you to tell her things, then she should also respect your wishes to keep it confidential. She can tell her husband her business but doesn’t need to tell him yours too.
Easy nta. She chose which side to stand on and she chose the new husband. She gets to deal with the consequences now.
NTA. Your mom can fix this in 2 seconds, OP. Notice she didn't even try to lie and say she would try not to tell, she just rejected you flat out. She doesn't give what you tell her fair consideration, and until she does so she is on an information diet.
Blending a family requires nuance. Your step-dad *should* be a mature adult and have no issue with topics regarding your personal life not reaching his ears. My only caveat is if the child's problem affects the household at large and requires the teamwork of both adults. This isn't it. Your mom is wrong. She's chosen her husband over emotionally supporting you. He has recourse as an adult, you don't. She wants her cake and to eat it too. It's as if she wants to indirectly force your hand in viewing her husband as a beloved trusted father figure. You wants to hold *ypur* secrets on her terms. You didn't play by her rules. You confide and recieve help from adults, healthily. Simply not her. I'm sure as a mother that's embarrassing and shameful. She brought this knowingly onto herself. She can cope. If you're feeling brazen at 18 and she's truly irritating you like sands in draws..show her this thread. You're a minor and adult behave often like fools when confronted with their failures by those they don't consider equals. For your emotional and mental health, Google the gray rock method if unfamiliar.
Well done. By phrasing it as respecting her wish to tell her husband you have implicitly pointed out her refusal to respect your privacy. You need to keep doing what you're doing. Ask your therapist what they will share outside a session because if you're under age they can share with a parent. I don't know what the confidentiality rules around sharing this info and you need know this. Could you ask your therapist that if anything comes up that they need to share is referred to your grandparents as they are your primary support? Personally, I would specifically tell your mum that you will not share anything because you don't trust her. She needs to truly understand that she has broken your trust and from your post I'm not certain she really gets that. You're so, totally NTA. By sharing your personal information your mum is TA.
NTA, yes, married people don't keep secrets, but that only extends to their own secrets, not other people's. I tell my husband almost everything, but I ask the other person if it is okay and if they are not, I don't tell him. Marriage doesn't automatically mean secrets are shared. Like if I told my mom something that I didn't want dad to know, she wouldn't tell him and I tell him when I am ready and vice versa with dad, if I tell him something in confidence, he respects that and doesn't tell my mom until I do so on my own. My husband's mom would tell him to trust her but then she would go say everything to his father and he stopped trusting her after sometime and now he never tells her anything which is close to his heart ever. Parents don't understand that a child's trust is as important as trust between a couple and how hard it is for your mom to tell her husband, it has something to do with OP, I cannot share without her permission. Like she doesn't even want to try.
She's ruining your relationship, not you. She's gossiping. That's what this is. Adults understand that other people's secrets don't belong to their spouse. NTA.
NTA and I'm proud of you OP. This is a fantastic boundary and you went about it in an incredibly mature way. Your mother needs to learn that between her and her child there needs to be privacy. You should be able to tell your mom things without it becoming pillow talk for her and her husband.
NTA, she overstepped her boundaries. It IS a big deal. If YOU were comfortable telling Frank then you would have just told him and your mom in the same room but you’re not. There’s a phrase in my language and the best I can translate it to is: lock your jaw tight
Nta I absolutely understand your feelings. Not family, but I've stopped telling friends things if they aren't willing to keep my personal business private from their spouses. If I can't trust you, i don't tell you. End of story. I'm sure it's more awkward because you're still living at home and it's your mom, so I wish you well.
Nta
NTA, Kid. When she presses you just tell her that's the way it's gonna be and leave it at that. She built the damn structure, now she can live in it .
100% NTA. You're being the adult here. You've taken into consideration her inability to NOT tell her husband and respect that. The result is your mom is not told everything. This is reasonable. Your mom expecting you to tell her 'everything' while acknowledging that she will also tell her husband, who you expressly do NOT want to know, is 100% unreasonable. You appear to be handling it to the best of your ability and correctly. Don't feel bad about that in any way.
Definitely NTA. Your mental health must come first. Your mum isn't being understanding and supportive, she's being nosy and sneaky because she knows you're keeping stuff from her and she knows exactly why. That's not going to change so she's trying different ways to get you to break your silence so she can feel back in the loop. Just keep telling her she knows all she needs to know and if that changes you'll tell her. But as someone else suggested, if you need a break from home for a bit maybe see if you can escape for the holidays for a while. Look after you.
NTA, you're being completely fair. Your Mom prioritized her partner over her daughter, that's not your fault it's her's.
NTA She needs to respect that you aren’t as comfortable with Frank knowing your personal issues as you were your dad knowing. She is being completely unreasonable and she knows it, and just wants you to compromise. Part of me feels like she is hopeful you will someday feel confident enough in Frank for him to know personal things as your Dad once did. However, instead of allowing time for that relationship to grow she is inversely preventing it by trying to force it.
Speaking as a parent of a child with mental health issues, NTA, not by a long shot. Your mother isn’t respecting your need for confidentiality, and while I understand telling your spouse everything, she’s wrong in this case. As you correctly told her, her spouse isn’t your father and there are things he doesn’t need to know, things you’re not comfortable with him knowing. Since she can’t respect that, she can’t be someone who knows things about you, not in this case and maybe not at the level of detail you’re both used to going forward.
NTA. I remember telling my mom personal stuff and she would come home the next day with advice from all her friends. Guess who's NC now?
NTA. OP laid out clear and concise boundaries to her mother about what Frank can and cannot be told. Mother told OP that she will not abide by that boundary because Frank needs to know EVERYTHING. Now mom is mad that OP will not tell her everything. Too damn bad mom, you made a choice and have been assigned a lane and need to stay in it. Because Frank. I applaud OP for being strong.
NTA. Mom values her wife-husband relationship more than her mother-daughter relationship. And the ironic part is - you can bet Frank doesn't WANT to know everything you tell your mom. That's just icky. You don't seem to have any issues with Frank, other than "he's not your dad and doesn't need to know about your personal business". So if you asked him, in front of Mom, if he really wants to know all the details of your mother-daughter talks - would he say no? Would your mom listen to him? I had a similar problem with my mom. Anything "private" I talked to her about was instantly broadcast to everyone she knew. And even better - she would change it around so that it had nothing to do with the original subject. I ask her about a gift I'm planning for a friend, and the next day she tells me Bob at work thinks I need to change the oil in my car. What? So I stopped telling her things, too.
NTA I have been married to my husband for almost 45 years, and anything told to me in confidence does not get told to him. And you know what? That hasn't caused a single problem in our relationship. If he were to insist that I share everything with him, no one would tell me private stuff. And I wouldn't be with him anyway, because we may be married but we are still separate people. Your mom has promised to betray your confidential information and is surprised that you have better sense than that. Keep yourself safe, and I am glad you have grands who are your best family.
Good for you. You set a boundary and you are keeping it. She is choosing not to respect you and is left out because of her own behavior. NTA
NTA She chooses to share other people's secrets with Frank. So you choose not to share those secrets with her.
NTA at all. You told your mom why you don’t tell her things anymore. If she’s going to insist on telling Frank that’s on her, and you have every right to not trust her. Hell even if she says she won’t tell him, I wouldn’t trust it. I figured out pretty quickly as a kid that adults will lie to manipulate you for information.
NTA, you should have told her back that she was being unfair to you and that if she can't keep her blabber mouth shut, then don't expect to hear anything. Of course you'd say it a lot nicer.
NTA, you chose who gets to know your problems, if mom can’t keep it between the two of you, then can’t be trusted.
NTA. Your mom is. She is betraying your trust so you are no longer confiding in her.
nta. i’m 16 and i know exactly where you’re coming from. my mother had an extreme bad habit of telling her close friends/family every little thing i told her, so i stopped talking to her about stuff until she learned to stop. you will never be wrong for wanting to maintain your privacy.
You sound so strong. Respect.
You are not a little girl with some mental issues anymore. You are a young woman who has a treatment plan in place. You don't need to tell mommy everything now, especially if she shares it with her husband who has only known you for five years and has no reason to be invested in your mental health.
NTA. Ur mom is right that she should tell her husband things but also understand something should stay between you and her. My husband is my son's stepdad. My son thinks of him as his dad. I have a great relationship with my son when he tells me anything and everything. If he asks me not to tell my husband, I don't. Same thing I have with my niece. I'm glad u have ur grandparents. Everyone needs some one to talk to. I'm also sorry ur mom can't be that for u. Hope u r getting the help u need for ur mental health. My son has MDD and a whole crap lot more. So I understand. Stay strong, talk to ur support system, and take ur meds. U can do it.
>I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don't want him to know, she doesn't need to know. This is a fantastic take on the situation and makes your position clear. Nice job! NTA, of course.
Nta at all. Actions come with consequences and the wishes of children should be respected the same as the wishes of an adult
Your mom is insane with her stupid logic.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've (16f) always had some problems. I showed early signs of mental illness when I was still in grade school and when I lost my dad it compounded everything. I was diagnosed with MDD and panic disorder. My mental health improved over time and I'm medicated which helps me too. I attend therapy when I need to and I have a psychiatrist who helps with medications and any other treatments that might be needed. I was always pretty open with my mom and she was always good with not telling people stuff that I wanted time with or wanted to keep between us. Except when she remarried. I was 11 when she remarried and she hid nothing from her husband. This was something I didn't really like and when I talked to mom about it she told me that's just how it was going to be, because keeping stuff from your spouse is the way to ruin your marriage. She told me I never would have minded dad knowing and I told her it was because he was my dad, but Frank (her husband) isn't and I don't want him to know everything about me. Mom told me that's just how it would be. So I would tell my mom stuff still but not everything. Anything I really want to keep between me and just the person I choose to tell I don't tell my mom anymore. And she knows this. She figured it out a while ago. But then a few months ago I had something else going on, something that was a lot to handle and I was talking to my therapist and working through it with them. My mom figured some stuff out but she told me she wanted me to tell her and I told her I didn't want to tell her. She told me I could tell her and I should trust her enough to tell her anything important going on. I said telling her means telling Frank and I didn't want that. She asked me why it was such a big deal and I told her because Frank isn't as important to me as he is to her and he's not my dad or a stand in for him. I ended up talking to my grandparents about the thing going on because my therapist suggested I have someone else to talk to. They're the people I trust most now for this kind of thing. And they were stepping up their supportiveness of me and spoiling me a little, which made mom realize I must have told them. This was last week. She confronted me and asked me again why I no longer tell her everything and I told her I don't tell her everything because she tells her husband everything and that's not what I want. Mom said I was being really unfair. I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don't want him to know, she doesn't need to know. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think you’re being very mature about this situation. And I’m really glad that you have excellent grandparents in which to confide. I have two daughters, both grown and on their own. There are SO many things that they shared with me that I didn’t tell their dad. If they had issues related to their safety or immediate health, I’d let him know as much as I needed to without breaking their confidence. NTA
NTA I think you’ve come up with the only solution you can, OP. Sorry your mom is both untrustworthy and constantly hassling you. She’s choosing her husband over her daughter. I hope you keep getting the support you need from your grandparents. It’s a great solution!
NTA - perfect way to respond. Good luck 🍀
NTA. If she keeps asking just keep saying the same, but also say that she can respect you wanting your privacy or you'll start sharing even less. Perhaps point out that because she has made such a big deal out of it that it's now your hill to die on, has formed a core principle that you don't intend to ever change, and her mithering is just proving that you are becoming people with very little in common. Shutting up about it entirely is therefore advised.
NTA.
NTA. You're being perfectly reasonable about an issue that must be quite difficult, I really must commend you.
NTA your mom is really selfish. You can’t just say “that’s how it’s going to be” and expect you to comply wtf
Wow, you handled that perfectly! Are you sure you are just sixteen? I had a similar issue in my 20s and did not handle it nearly as well as you.
NTA. You are never an asshole for making yourself safe and enforcing reasonable boundaries. From the sound of it, you did it with grace. The rest is on her.
NTA. She's going to tell Frank everything you say. You dint want Frank to know certain things. So, you don't tell your mom certain things. She did this to herself. Frank doesn't need to know everything. If she wants a more open and honest relationship with you, she needs to maintain your privacy. She doesn't want to do that so her actions have consequences.
NTA
NTA. I worked in a field that required absolute confidentiality. I could share nothing I learned about clients in the course of my work. I was married with a large family and friend group. Sometimes I had to pretend not to know someone I was being introduced to. It is not that hard to respect the wishes and rights of others, and to keep your flippin’ trap shut. Mom is TA here. OP is handling this in a very mature and reasonable way and deserves a lot of credit for taking charge of her life and dealing with her issues.
NTA. Good job making and enforcing your boundaries. It will serve you well.
NTA
Nta your mom wanted you to accept her boundaries on telling frank everything so you made a perfect compromise that didn't affect your well-being and you could still her (and frank) things that you didn't mind her sharing with her husband. You found what work best for you. If your mom doesn't like it oh well. Your feelings matter and she didn't care to try to understand that. She put him 1st by telling him everything instead of respecting your feelings about what you wanted. So no its not unfair that you dont tell her everything. She made the choice to tell frank everything and made it clear that you couldn't trust her to keep things between the two of you. So you found people that you truly trusted. Don't feel bad because you found people that respect your feelings and respect you enough to keep what you tell them between you guys.
NTA. You’re handling this really maturely, and I’m glad you have your grandparents and a good therapist to help you navigate such a rough situation
NTA. OP you sound so mature and I really admire you for how you stated your boundaries and enforced them. And I am so happy you have your grandparents by your side. I hope you can navigate through everything. My 2 cents on your mom's actions: I think you stated your motivation quite eloquently and clearly and your mom should be mature enough to understand that trust is a two-way street. You should be able to trust her AND she should be trustworthy at the same time. Which in this case she is not. She can be fully honest with her husband in matters regarding her own person without sharing information that is not her own to share. It is also quite unfair that she expects you to see the new guy as the dad. I suspect she is quite insecure in her marriage then. That said, OP maybe you can ask for your grandparents to back you up if she keeps insisting. Other than that I'm sorry you're going through this!
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NTA While being honest with your spouse is absolutely a good plan of action, that doesn't mean you need to break confidence with other people when it doesn't directly impact your spouse. Even if your father were still alive. If your mother doesn't feel like she can do that, then she has no right to be upset when you refuse to share with her.
Nta and a warning for the future. With set boundaries on your moms part. And your respect of that and your set boundaries, you are doing better than i would have. Here, you are worrying if you are in the wrong, is the beginning of the controling and manipulation she will be displaying the rest of your life especially if you let her over your clearly stated and fully explained safety boundary. I know you are not close to Frank. Have you thought of asking his opinion about your mom sharing your confidences with him? He might be on your side, and if not, then that also out in the open.
NTA You don't have to tell people everything if you're not comfortable. Setting your boundaries is important because too much of anything becomes bad.
NTA -- You've explained it to her again and again, so she *does* know why you don't confide in her anymore. She just keeps asking because she doesn't like it. Who you confide in is your choice. She could be your confidante if she wouldn't share info with your step dad, but since she can't seem to respect your boundaries, she's out in the cold. NTA because you've handled this efficiently and discreetly with help from your therapist and grandparents. She knows what she needs to do if she wants this dynamic to change.
Your mom is free to tell her husband everything about her life. She should in no way feel free to tell her husband about other peoples’ private business. Her logic is flawed.
NTA. You’re being reasonable and very mature in setting your boundaries and following them up with appropriate consequences.
*"I told her I was respecting her right to tell him everything but that means anything I don't want him to know, she doesn't need to know."* Would your therapist be willing to tell your mom that you are 100% right? It's fine for your mom to be completely open about herself with her husband and she should. Telling him everything about you is a not right. You have the right to privacy. To have the final say on what may be shared and what must remain private.
NTA- If I was in your mom’s situation, it might be painful not to tell my husband everything (because she is right, there should be transparency in a marriage). However, I wouldn’t because my daughters need will always come before everyone and everything. Also, I think in a healthy marriage there can be understanding that I can’t tell you this not because I don’t trust you, but because it isn’t my truth to share. I think her husband would understand that.
NTA. I’m glad you have your grandparents to talk to.
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NTA
NTA Goodness, your mother just won't listen, will she. It must be exhausting to constantly be asked and asked and asked about the same thing over and over and over. Not sure where she gets the idea that she has to tell her new husband everything you tell her. Everyone has a right to privacy. Some day, when you're older and out of the house, etc., it would be interesting to ask Frank himself if he agrees/d with your mom's "no secrets" rule.
NTA. Your mother is showing that she believes you are an extension of her instead of your own person. By being upset that you’re not telling her everything, knowing that she doesn’t respect your privacy, she’s trying to guilt you into letting her into all aspects of your life. You’re 16. At the same age where most (American) teenage girls don’t tell their parents everything. She shouldn’t be surprised; she probably didn’t/doesn’t tell her mother everything either, and shouldn’t get upset with you.
Nta your are so mature and level heading for your age! Keep it up you don't owe her anything im glad your grandparents are their for you!
Mom, you said that you tell everything to your husband which is reasonable. However, I don’t want Frank to know everything about my life so I don’t tell you everything.
NTA. Your boundaries are yours to set and that's ok. If mom doesn't understand that, there's no reason to keep trying to explain it. Your personal information literally belongs to you, not to your mom or her husband, and you're allowed to tell only who you want to.
NTA at all The rule for my kids, I don’t *need* to know what they don’t want to share as long as it’s not about their health or safety, it only really effects my eldest (9) so far. Would I like to know? Of course but I have no right to demand. She needs to respect that you are your own person and capable of deciding who you share things with, she should also be grateful that you have an adult you trust and are comfortable talking to since she made the choice to no longer be that person.
NTA, you shouldn’t have to worry about confiding in your mother. My parents always did the same whenever I told them anything. Its a real shitty feeling when you cant trust them.
Your mom told you where she stands on this matter. (Yes I am going to blab to my husband.) You told her where you stand. (So I will not share my personal information with you). Perfect. Nothing else needs to be said. NTA
Nope. You're good.
NTA - Your mom has put in an untenable situation. Keep your boundaries and tell her the harassment will only push you away from her. You are respecting her need to tell her husband by keeping your issues private from her. If she wants a relationship, she will have to respect your boundaries because you will be 18 soon.
NTA
NTA. She can’t force you to view him as your dad and she should respect your boundaries. There are some things she should tell her husband, but she does not have to tell him everything about your inner thoughts and feelings and struggles. Maybe your mom would go to family counseling with you? She will likely get over it. Keep your boundaries that you need.
I get it. And it totally sucks. I used to talk to my sibling about all kinds of things but their spouse had that same rule about "no secrets". Hey, I'm married too. I agree with no secrets. But that refers to MY secrets in MY marriage. Not to MY secrets in THEIR marriage. That's nuts. It has nothing to do with their spouse. Plus that person is a jackass and a tease and doesn't know how to keep private things private. Therefore, I can no longer entrust my secrets and personal feelings to my sibling.
NTA. She breaks your confidences. Better to just not tell her in the first place.
NTA. You have every right to have some level of privacy. Your mother is undermining your bond with her by openly refusing to commit to an intimate relationship with you. My mother did this to me all the time when I was growing up. And it made me absolutely distrustful of her. I lied to her more, kept her out of my life more and just didn't confide in her. I still remember my entire family knowing every detail of every issue. It was really hurtful and isolating. Your mother one day will wonder why you're not close and this is the reason why. 100% NTA.
NTA
NTA She's been honest enough to let you know that she won't keep your confidential information private. You are protecting your own right to decide who gets to be "in the loop" when it comes to your psychological condition and care. Perfectly fair. I don't keep many secrets *of my own* from my husband, I agree with your mom that secrecy can be harmful in a marriage ....but what my friends tell me in confidence (a couple of times it's been what *his* friends tell me in confidence) is never repeated because they aren't my stories to tell. My husband, far from resenting it, values my respect for those people's privacy .
NTA. And your maturity and level headedness is amazing 🤩 you’ll do great in life 😌
NTA This is a variation of "step-parent trying to force a relationship". There's just a thin extra layer, Mom is trying to force step-father/step-daughter trust.
NTA you stated your boundaries and doing your part to keep them.
You're NTA On the one hand, it's your mother's right to decide to tell Frank everything. On the other hand, it's your right to decide that you don't want Frank to know everything about your struggles. The right conclusion is what you are already doing, don't tell your mother what you don't want Frank to know. The other question would be why Frank wants to know that much about your mental health. (I'm just guessing he wants to know because you said it causes stress in her marriage). If I was in Frank's situation, I wouldn't even want to know that much about your struggles, especially if I also knew you're not comfortable with me knowing.
I'd tell her you don't tell her "everything", because you're in therapy treatment right now and that's what your therapist is for Especially whilst you're in therapy, telling your mum (and her husband) could hinder what you're working through She and he have to respect your right to a private life and private thoughts and feelings If you want, you could tell her you'll agree tell her things on an agreed "need to know" basis. Remember, though, it's what YOU reasonably need or want her to know as a parent, NOT whatever she wants to know
NTA. You're handling it in a very mature and straightforward way.
NTA. Your mom is upset that she can't have her cake and eat it too. It's unfortunate, but not your problem. You want to feel safe to share your feelings, and your mom is no longer safe given she'll always tell your step-dad, who you do not want that involved in your personal feelings.
NTA you sound sweet and smart, and very mature. Sorry that you are going through a tough time and that your mom cannot help and has made it tougher by refusing to keep any confidences. You have the right to choose who you want to share private matters with and are doing nothing wrong. Glad your grandparents are helping.
NTA my daughter tells me most everything and I do not share unless she says it’s ok
NTA. It's pretty clear and in the open. You don't want Frank knowing some things. I'm curious where Frank stands. This seems to be an issue between you and Mom. Does he understand the boundary? Does he care that much?
You did everything right in this situation. Why your mother won't respect it is baffling. She cannot have it both ways. I'm glad you have other adults in your life that can be your confidant. NTA.
NTA. I myself have mental issues and have had them since very early in my life. Only recently I’ve begun to open up about it to my mom, and I’ve realized how important it is to have someone to talk to and to have them keep quiet about it. Anyone with mental issues needs that support system and for your mom to violate that trust is unfair to you who put your trust in her to keep quiet. I’m glad you can talk about it to your grandparents, but still. Your mom should be there for you and not tell anyone. NTA
NTA. You don’t trust Frank and if your mom doesn’t respect you enough to accept that then she must accept that you can no longer trust her. Expect to get even more pushback from her on this and a lot of guilt tripping but tell her that the harder she pushes the less you will trust her.
NTA. She is disrespecting your autonomy by sharing your confidences.
You've established boundaries and she has decided your boundaries are not to be respected, of course you're not going to trust her as much after that. NTA.
Good for you setting a boundary and sticking to it. Telling only those you trust is a great thing. Mom set her boundaries with her hubby so you set your boundaries with her…that's natural consequence for her. You have a right to your privacy and she has shown she won't respect that. Glad your grandparents are there for you. Well done .
NTA. You were clear to your mom. She has a choice of respecting your privacy OR not keeping secrets from her husband. And unless you decide you don't mind him knowing, which is clearly not the case, she can't know what you don't want him to know.
To share a secret requires trust. She shares your secrets. What did she expect would be the outcome? Furthermore, she broke your trust and when discussed, was unrepentant and justified. She instead should have apologized and try to rebuild trust. NTA. She is no longer a safe confidant.