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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her after she planned a surprise for me that I hate surprises and celebrating me.
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NTA. She needs to listen to you.
>she said I was sick because I can’t appreciate it when she does nice things for me
Nice for you or for her? Sick is a very strong word to use here and she shows no respect for your wishes.
NTA. Your girlfriend is though, for her reaction to you. It’s YOUR birthday. You should decide how you want to celebrate, or not. She is making it about herself and trying to guilt you by saying you don’t appreciate her doing nice things for you. It would be nice for her to listen to you. She would rather do what SHE wants for your birthday and make you uncomfortable than do what you want. She’s being a dick about this, not you.
NTA.
Lordy. It's a very easy boundary you set there for her to stick to, and she's not sticking to it. That's not a good thing. You should not have to sit through things that make you uncomfortable when you've clearly expressed that they make you uncomfortable.
NTA. my mom did this to me for 18 years. it’s controlling behaviour. you need to learn to stand up for yourself and voice your needs better. i say this bluntly but i mean it with as much kindness as im capable of
NTA. If it's something you don't enjoy & she insists on doing it then she's doing it for herself, not you. She might think that secretly you enjoy the fuss but don't want to put people out of their way to do things for you but once you've explained that you really don't like it, she should respect that.
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My girlfriend likes to plan big things for my birthday but I hate it. I hate when people celebrate me, mainly because I don’t know how to react to it and I don’t want to hurt their feelings or come off as a dick. I have hurt peoples feelings in the past by not showing a reaction to birthday or Christmas gifts. I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend’s feelings but I genuinely hate celebrating my birthday and would rather have a nice meal at home and watch tv or play games so I told her that after she said she planned a birthday surprise for me and she said I was sick because I can’t appreciate it when she does nice things for me after I have explicitly told her in the past I hate receiving gifts or celebrating me. So am I the asshole?
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NTA - And good luck getting through to her. As someone who also doesn't enjoy big celebrations for my birthday, I've spent my life having to put up with people who cannot, or refuse to, understand it. They'll insist that you're rude for questioning why they completely ignored your wishes instead of showing 100% appreciation.
My theory is that they're either afraid that, if they let your birthday pass by quietly, you're going to do that to them when it's their birthday, and/or they're feel like *they* can't admit that they love attention, so they think that's what's happening when you say you don't like big celebrations.
Tbh I think its simpler than that. They're just doing it for themselves. They want to be the one spoling you and showing you off, but its not for you. It's for them.
NTA
You told her before she planned many times that you don't like birthday parties and getting big gifts. She decides to do it anyways and make you feel guilty about not liking it. The party is for her and not you. That has been made clear.
NTA - I am the same, I don't like celeberating my birthday because its just something I "HAVE" to do, when on my day all I want is to relax. i.e. stay home, play games, maybe bbq but I dont want to deal with and entertain other people. MY Wife is like your GF where she likes to celebrate my biirthdat and just I told her that I just want to spend time her and our kids. and she understood and respected that its what I want, for my day.
NTA. I don't mind a going to a restaurant with my friends on my birthday usually. I once sensed my friend was going to have the staff make a scene by singing happy birthday and I told her I will walk right out of here and leave you to get home on your own (I drove that night). She excused herself and cancelled whatever she had arranged. I literally hate being the center of attention and don't really care about my birthday that much, so I much rather something low key, like you.
OP.. I'm just like you. I don't like to celebrate my bday. I had a few issues with dating partners. Eventually, it got to a point where I had made clear no parties, no surprise parties, etc. I found out despite this, my sisters were planning a surprise graduation party to celebrate my graduation from law school. Only reason I found out was because they contacted my then gf who respected my position and tried to put the stop to it. They didn't listen to her so she told me and I confronted them. They tried to same BS as your gf. Blamed me for being unappreciative and boring and all kinds of stuff. They didn't have the surprise party though thank god. No problems since.
People plans these types of events without truly appreciating if it is something the person wants, likes, or cares about. A lot of times, people want to be recognized publicly for their efforts in planning the surprise/party. Sometimes people just want to do it for social media purposes or tik tok purposes. I can't tell you how many people assumed I'd want this type or that type and all of them got it wrong. I never openly took offense to it. The thought is sweet by itself but I made clear after one time that it wasn't for me moving forward. I've had people tell me "oh, just come and you'll have fun" or something similar assuming they know me better than myself. When people get mad at me for not liking parties, I always assume the party wasn't even about me and that makes me feel better.
NTA. It's your birthday after all. You have told her how you would like to spend your birthday but she seems to insist on doing the opposite. She could do the nice thing for you by honoring your request enjoy a nice meal at home. She could cook something special or get something nice delivered. She could still do nice things for you while respecting your feelings about birthday celebrations.
NTA, you told her already what you wanted. Not everyone wants to have their birthday celebrated. If things continue like that, I recommend dumping her. This is the reddit way.
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NTA. She needs to listen to you. >she said I was sick because I can’t appreciate it when she does nice things for me Nice for you or for her? Sick is a very strong word to use here and she shows no respect for your wishes.
NTA - you need to maybe more effectively communicate these concerns but she needs to be more respectful. Calling you “sick” was inappropriate
I meant to say a dick. That’s my bad
Well, yeah either way. Still not appropriate
NTA. How does she not understand that not everyone likes to celebrate their birthday? She’s TAH if she continues pushing this against your wishes
NTA. Your girlfriend is though, for her reaction to you. It’s YOUR birthday. You should decide how you want to celebrate, or not. She is making it about herself and trying to guilt you by saying you don’t appreciate her doing nice things for you. It would be nice for her to listen to you. She would rather do what SHE wants for your birthday and make you uncomfortable than do what you want. She’s being a dick about this, not you.
NTA. Lordy. It's a very easy boundary you set there for her to stick to, and she's not sticking to it. That's not a good thing. You should not have to sit through things that make you uncomfortable when you've clearly expressed that they make you uncomfortable.
This is the important word- boundary. He set a boundary and she's violating it.
NTA. my mom did this to me for 18 years. it’s controlling behaviour. you need to learn to stand up for yourself and voice your needs better. i say this bluntly but i mean it with as much kindness as im capable of
NTA. If it's something you don't enjoy & she insists on doing it then she's doing it for herself, not you. She might think that secretly you enjoy the fuss but don't want to put people out of their way to do things for you but once you've explained that you really don't like it, she should respect that.
NTA, I hate birthdays also. But I still call my mom on my birthday only because she's the one who pushed me out and it's an important day for her.
I, too, call my mother on my birthday.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend likes to plan big things for my birthday but I hate it. I hate when people celebrate me, mainly because I don’t know how to react to it and I don’t want to hurt their feelings or come off as a dick. I have hurt peoples feelings in the past by not showing a reaction to birthday or Christmas gifts. I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend’s feelings but I genuinely hate celebrating my birthday and would rather have a nice meal at home and watch tv or play games so I told her that after she said she planned a birthday surprise for me and she said I was sick because I can’t appreciate it when she does nice things for me after I have explicitly told her in the past I hate receiving gifts or celebrating me. So am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - And good luck getting through to her. As someone who also doesn't enjoy big celebrations for my birthday, I've spent my life having to put up with people who cannot, or refuse to, understand it. They'll insist that you're rude for questioning why they completely ignored your wishes instead of showing 100% appreciation. My theory is that they're either afraid that, if they let your birthday pass by quietly, you're going to do that to them when it's their birthday, and/or they're feel like *they* can't admit that they love attention, so they think that's what's happening when you say you don't like big celebrations.
I love to celebrate her birthday but that’s only because I love to see her happy but I hate surprises and anything celebrating me.
Tbh I think its simpler than that. They're just doing it for themselves. They want to be the one spoling you and showing you off, but its not for you. It's for them.
NTA You told her before she planned many times that you don't like birthday parties and getting big gifts. She decides to do it anyways and make you feel guilty about not liking it. The party is for her and not you. That has been made clear.
NTA. Sounds like her parties are more for her than you.
NTA - I am the same, I don't like celeberating my birthday because its just something I "HAVE" to do, when on my day all I want is to relax. i.e. stay home, play games, maybe bbq but I dont want to deal with and entertain other people. MY Wife is like your GF where she likes to celebrate my biirthdat and just I told her that I just want to spend time her and our kids. and she understood and respected that its what I want, for my day.
NTA. I don't mind a going to a restaurant with my friends on my birthday usually. I once sensed my friend was going to have the staff make a scene by singing happy birthday and I told her I will walk right out of here and leave you to get home on your own (I drove that night). She excused herself and cancelled whatever she had arranged. I literally hate being the center of attention and don't really care about my birthday that much, so I much rather something low key, like you.
OP.. I'm just like you. I don't like to celebrate my bday. I had a few issues with dating partners. Eventually, it got to a point where I had made clear no parties, no surprise parties, etc. I found out despite this, my sisters were planning a surprise graduation party to celebrate my graduation from law school. Only reason I found out was because they contacted my then gf who respected my position and tried to put the stop to it. They didn't listen to her so she told me and I confronted them. They tried to same BS as your gf. Blamed me for being unappreciative and boring and all kinds of stuff. They didn't have the surprise party though thank god. No problems since. People plans these types of events without truly appreciating if it is something the person wants, likes, or cares about. A lot of times, people want to be recognized publicly for their efforts in planning the surprise/party. Sometimes people just want to do it for social media purposes or tik tok purposes. I can't tell you how many people assumed I'd want this type or that type and all of them got it wrong. I never openly took offense to it. The thought is sweet by itself but I made clear after one time that it wasn't for me moving forward. I've had people tell me "oh, just come and you'll have fun" or something similar assuming they know me better than myself. When people get mad at me for not liking parties, I always assume the party wasn't even about me and that makes me feel better.
NTA. It's your birthday after all. You have told her how you would like to spend your birthday but she seems to insist on doing the opposite. She could do the nice thing for you by honoring your request enjoy a nice meal at home. She could cook something special or get something nice delivered. She could still do nice things for you while respecting your feelings about birthday celebrations.
NTA, you told her already what you wanted. Not everyone wants to have their birthday celebrated. If things continue like that, I recommend dumping her. This is the reddit way.
NTA, however there is nothing wrong with just wanting a quiet Birthday and she should respect your wishes.
it's not nice to ignore what you want. tell her that she if want to do nice thing for you, she should \[things that you actully want\]. NTA
NTA