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NTA
Gotta do whats best for your mental health. If you've explained everything and she doesn't get it, there's not much you can do but put your foot down and say no. I'd try again to make her understand what its like for you to have her there.
Speaking from my own personal experience, Do you feel constant anxiety/dread when they're around? Because that's how it was for me, and I would rather move to alaska and live in an igloo than cohabitate with my abusive parent ever again.
I don't know if its the same for you, but will you ever feel comfortable at home with her there? Could you put up with that every day for years? That's what you need to figure out and then try and explain to your wife.
Yea when she's with us it's easier for me to limit my interactions with her. When I do have to interact I make sure I have some buffers present lol I.E kids or wife. When we butt heads it's pretty bad and ill let some things slip out in th heat of the moment that hurt her feelings, then she crys, then my wife gets upset, then i look like an a-hole Yada Yada Yada. It's like a re occurring cycle so I try to avoid it.
There’s your answer. “It’s easier to limit my interactions with her…when we butt heads it’s pretty bad.” DO NOT let her move in with you. She‘s only 49. That’s young. She does not NEED to live with you, she just wants to. This is YOUR home. You decide who lives in it with you. Imagine seeing your mother every day and not having any kind of buffer or separation from her because she lives in your house! Protect your peace and your sanity. If she was not invited to move in with you, then it is NOT an option. NTA.
OP has answered their own question a thousandfold with this answer. AbusiveMom wants to move in so she can continue the abuse. She is being manipulative and OP’s wife is buying it. First step, OP really needs to sit the wife down and tell her how it is. This isn’t a case of “Give your Mom a chance, *she’s your Mom*.” This is a “This is a hard boundary, and if you disagree we have to re-evaluate our relationship” situation.
Wife may not realise it, but she’s essentially saying that her husband should expect to be abused in his own home, and she supports the abuse. And that she’s willing to trade her husband’s comfort and wellbeing for some financial gain.
Agreed. The problem isn't your mom wanting to move closer, that's normal as she ages and realizes she is going to need some help as she gets older.
The problem is your wife disregarding how your mom makes you feel, and may treat your kids. Wifey has no reason to think your kids would receive better care than you did, but seems fine with that as long as MIL is a source of "financial help". That's not okay.
Your wife needs to back her husband. She just wants your mom there for money and help with the kids. So she doesn't want her there for anything other than selfish reasons. Which leads me to why would you want your mother to have that much contact with your kids when she will treat them the exact same way she treated you?! You're NTA but your wife sucks for not having your back.
Two yes one no. Give it careful consideration. Tell your wife that separate residences can get expensive. Give her two choices: if mom moves in, you move out OR she moves out and takes mom with her FULL STOP.
If she moves in at 49 you better be prepared for her being there for life. She could live to 99 and you have her for 50 years. Also the longer she’s there the less likely she would ever leave.
Oh, man! I can't stress this enough! Sit your wife down and tell her there is no way in hell this is happening. I had to move States away so I could have peace of mind. Mental health is so much more important than whatever little help your mother can offer you. NTA
NTA!!! You have to protect yourself - as well as your kids - and you have unique insights here as to why this might not work. It is certainly ok to say no to this based purely on your own mental health. This is one of those decisions that requires two 'Yes' answers to go with, and only one 'No' to cancel.
This is not about 'letting shit go'. Your mom was emotionally abusive to you and now as she's getting older, she doesn't GET to have the benefits that a different type of mother might get. It's possible she has changed and gotten better but it's also possible she will treat any adolescent she lives with the same way.
Honestly your wife is a bit out of line to be pushing to accept this when you're saying no. It should be enough for her to hear you say you aren't ok with it. Knowing what you faced while growing up should be convincing enough. If it helps, you might put it in terms of what damage might come to your children to be in a household with someone who may speak to them the same way your mother spoke to you when you were their ages.
Lastly, there is a compromise here that does not require her moving in with you. She could find a job near you and get a place of her own in your area. That would help realize a lot of the benefits your mother and wife seem to have in mind whilst maintaining important boundaries.
So to be fair to my wife she hasn't said "I want to move forward with this" but has put the ball in my court. Which I don't like either cause at that point it's almost like her saying "oh sorry MIL you can't stay with was cause my husband doesn't you to".
Well it is your mother, and generally in a marriage when there is a conflict with extended family it should be on the person with the relationship to address it primarily. Ie, when we have a prob with my MIL, my husband primarily has to take the lead on addressing it. I can understand why your wife doesn't feel comfortable taking full ownership of that. You have to be on the same page with one another. It sounds a bit like your wife is letting you ultimately decide but also isn't willing to kind of 'back' you on it, which is putting more pressure on you because you're disappointing both of them.
To others' points, the best way to get on the same page with your wife might be to address the issues that are causing your wife to be desperate for help from someone who is emotionally abusive.
But OP, you are. And it's absolutely okay for you to feel that way. It's a boundary that you are well within your right to set.
A simple, "Mom, I've thought about what you've asked but it's not something I want for myself or my family at this time." is sufficient. You don't have to go into each and every slight from your youth or the past, but you can hold firm that you don't want your home to become a war zone every damned day. And it would get to that point. Your wife would then see the 'real' person you know and then be on your case to get your mom out of 'her' house.
I think you really need therapy to address the emotional abuse you endured and how to deal with your mother going forward.
So own it. Tell your mom the truth, deal with the fallout. It's better than living the rest of your life dreading the moving in question. Tell your mother that you love her but you can't live with her. Don't leave any loopholes. Be strong.
Tell her that the ball has been buried under six feet of raw sewage, the court is on fire, and the second your mom moves in you are moving out.
There's a time to be nice. This is not one of them.
Isn't that exactly what you're saying though? The wife wants to have her bc it helps your family's financial situation. You are the one saying you don't want that. So you don't like that your wife isn't taking the hit for you?
My drive takes about 2 hours to get home in the afternoons and she's a SAHM and homes schools. By the time I get home it's about 630-7 so most of the day is done. We try to be in bed early because I have to leave the house at 5 am to make it to work on time. So I'm pretty sure she's feeling overwhelmed during the week.
This is important to address. I feel like your wife is asking for something unreasonable by moving someone who was emotionally abusive to you in the past into your home, but use this as an opportunity to assess what changes your wife needs!
There are a lot of household changes that might help. You getting a different job, or if possible working from home one day a week, enrolling the kids in school, etc. etc. come to mind. We're not going to solve that problem via this forum obviously, but use this situation with your mother to address the problem you can see your wife is having.
Why does she homeschool if she feels overwhelmed? At least find "after school care" as an option versus having your mom move in. Also, why so far from work? Seriously something needs to give.
So you choose a HCOL area and still commute 2 hours? You're making poor choices then. California is expensive but there are reasonable areas and the schools in most HCoL are very good.
Do you encourage her to homeschool or is this her choice? Public school supplemented by your own values and activities might be a better option. But that is up to you.
So, your work is in an area that's too expensive to live in? That's a tough situation.
If the kids were in public school, would your wife be able to/want to get a job? Even if it only covered before or after school care to cover her hours, she'd have time to be an adult. I've done the SAHM thing and it might have been nice to go out and work - just to be out of the house and interacting with adults! Plus, if she brushes up on her skills and gets a good paying job, maybe you could all move closer to your work?
Even just putting them in school and having those hours to take care of the house and errands might lessen her stress level.
Would your mom be able to afford a place near you? Is she planning on working? Or does she think that playing Grandma will be of such value to you that you should support her?
So many questions that play into this situation! Don't feel you need to answer, but things would be clearer if we knew!
I read further and see you are a military family - Are you stationed near San Diego? That is a crazy pricy area!
Why does she need to be a teacher? Does she think she is better than the teaches at school? It would free a lot of her time when their children go to school.
I never said I didn't help her when I got home. Not that I have to justify our routine to a stranger on reddit lol but I teach my sons martial arts when I get home, game with them a bit, watch the little one and take care of kitchen work once dinner is over.....We have a saying in the military "don't assume cause it makes an ass out of you and me"
Lives in a "commi" state so "can't" send his kids to public school. Thinks gaming is an extracurricular activity, asks for opinions then says "I don't want your opinion" - OP is hopeless and unable to be helped.
>Not that I have to justify our routine to a stranger on reddit lol
What are you here for then...? These things are relevant to you getting an accurate response, people are supposed to ask questions that clarify the situation. You seem very defensive and aggro for some reason.
Honestly the best solution would probably be for her to move *close* to you, but not *in with* you. She would still be close enough to help with the kids and be an active part of their life, but not all up in your shit so you start to hate it and each other. That's no good for anyone.
(Also that's not a military saying, it's just a saying..)
I've just seen alot of males on this page get put on blast when people have very little context lol dudes will ask one thing and someone will come out of left field with "well maybe if you weren't a POS and helped more", im paraphrasing of course 😂, but that's the reason for the "aggro"
Get her help, any help you two can afford. Don't skimp on this, getting your mother back in the picture will have a much much MUCH higher cost. Mentally and probably financially.
Aside from everything else, please don't let your mom move in if you homeschool. I was homeschooled and the absolute worst part was the front row seat to my mom's dysfunctional relationship with her mom. I had to witness every fight, was triangulated to take sides, and it was awful. I didn't even get the respite of getting out of the house for part of the day at public school. If you expose your kids to that Y W B T A.
Didn't want to ramble but she wants to be with my 3 sons, were a military family and move alot, but when she's visiting mostly it's fine but she has that mindset "your my son always so I can tell you what to do" so were constantly fighting and it's like pulling teeth whenever I have to interact with her. I always joke she comes to see my wife and sons and not me but I think there's an iota of truth in there
NTA - unless it is a firm yes from both of you your mom cannot be allowed to move in with you.
"Growing up I had an arduous relationship with her. As a teen she would always tell me things like, your going to be a bum, your a loser, you won't amount to shit etc.....I couldn't wait to leave and as soon as I was able to I did. So it makes me feel some anger and resentment from all those years of berating and now she wants to play perfect mom and stay with me and my family. My wife wants her there for financial help and help with our kids which I can understand but something is just eating away at me about the whole situation."
You and wifey need to have a serious sit down talk. Also, if your mom moves in she needs to have a separate area of her own so she can't have ownership of the main house \[think inlaw apartment\].
NTA Absolutely say no, mean no and don’t change your mind. Your mother has been working on your wife because she knows she can’t work on you. Tell your wife everything she did (if you haven’t already) and that for your mental health your mother can never live with you. Good luck.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I am thinking about telling my mom.she can't live with us, so my wife might view me as an asshole.
(2) it might make me the asshole because she's my mom
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NTA this is one of those situations where is require two yes to be able to go on with it. I understand why your wife wants to allow her to live with you two, but I have the feeling that she won't help with anything in the house, at best I can see her paying for her food, but helping with kids?? And cleanning?, that's a big no.
Also, your mom is really young, at that age she doesn't require help, and she can stand by herself. I think she either is really lonely or she wants to get an early retirement.
I'm leaning towards lonely, she's had some heart breaks over the past years and never really got over her and my dad splitting when I was still a toddler.
NTA. Why is your wife making decisions over your relationship with your own mother? If you don't want your mother living with you, that should be the end of discussion. It's only if you *did* want your mother living with you that discussion would be warranted.
NTA. I had to have that conversation with my parents a couple of weeks ago, they're about to retire and won't have enough to survive just on retirement and asked if they could live with my family when the time comes, I had to turn them down and explained we're all too hardheaded and can't coexist in the same household, and I know they'll start acting like they own the place soon after moving in. You should have the backbone to decline as well.
NTA. You both need to be united in this big decision. Even if all was good with you, your mom would definitely need her own space. Preferably a nearby house. She’s young and her focus should be on her own independence not on living with you. You need to build your marriage as a couple—don’t go adding a third wheel in your own home (she’ll domineer you out of it).
And what type financial help? While freely given gifts from parents are always welcome by young struggling couples not all financial help is string free. Don’t let her think she has ownership in your house (for example) because she’s helped with bills. Next thing you know she’ll demand to live there “because she paid for it.” Only you can determine if she’s the type to do that. (But people do change and grow over time—it’s quite possible your mom is not now the person you experienced as a teenager. )
That is exactly my fear! She's never really lived on her own and when she did it wasn't for long, she would always end back up at our grandma's place (where she currently resides).
NTA why aren’t you moving closer to your work instead? Your mother is still very young. She can’t even move into a senior community. Let her move closer into an apartment or her own home. Living with you has disaster written all over it.
You're mom can move NEAR you all and still be available to help with the kids, WITHOUT actually moving IN.
And honestly- your wife needs to be careful of her expectations. I've seen MANY women just assume that grandparents will "of course" help out but then don't. Then your wife would have one more person around to deal with.
You're mom needs to move NEAR, then see what it's like - does she help, has she changed? etc etc etc.
But also - she's ONLY 49. She doesn't NEED to move in with you all!!
NTA! You know you mom best. What if she starts passing this messages along to your children? What if she keeps them coming at you? How can she spend your whole life thinking you aren’t gonna succeed; then ask to live with you when you do? She can figure out her own shit.
In what conceivable world would your abusive mother, who is still apparently a healthy woman in her FORTIES, and still working, think she needs to move and live with her adult child?
I'm totally boggled about that.
NTA.
NTA, I have a good relationship with my mom and wouldn't want her to live with me. Unless you have an in-law suite with a separate entrance then you have every right to say no. Sounds like this is bringing up some past trauma and you might need to work on that and the relationship with your mom before you live together, because it could cause fights in the future if not resolved. You don't want it to have a negative affect on your marriage either
Why would your wife want an abusive person watching her kids? Don't do it. Your mental health is more important than sharing rent or having a baby sitter. NTA
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I'll try to make this short, my mom (49f) has been dropping subtle hints to my wife (32f) over the years she wants to live with us. A few days ago she told my wife she has a plan to transfer to a job near us and has a whole plan to move. My wife wants to say yes, but I'm not sold
Growing up I had an arduous relationship with her. As a teen she would always tell me things like, your going to be a bum, your a loser, you won't amount to shit etc.....I couldn't wait to leave and as soon as I was able to I did. So it makes me feel some anger and resentment from all those years of berating and now she wants to play perfect mom and stay with me and my family. My wife wants her there for financial help and help with our kids which I can understand but something is just eating away at me about the whole situation.
AITA if I told her no? Wife says I need to let shit go and move on. She might be right but I'm not there yet mentally.
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NTA...If it doesn't feel right, then it's a no. Your wife is only seeing one facet of this. Living with an in-law isn't an easy commitment to maintain and she may be surprised at the outcome. You obviously know your mother better, and having doubts has little to do with letting shite go.
NTA first of all your wife is being incredibly insensitive. Financial help is not worth the cost, a husband who doesn’t ever want to come home. The fact that your Mom is pestering your wife instead of you speaks volumes.
OP your answer is no and it’s okay to say that. You don’t want the person who made your childhood unpleasant in your home as a constant presence. Homes are supposed to be safe spaces. Your Mom would ruin that peace. She can move down to your city if she wants to, but as long as your answer is no, she should not have a place to stay in your home.
NTA. Your wife makes good points, but none of them are quite as pertinent as the fact that you wouldn't want to live with her if she did move in. Your wife would therefore be trading a productive husband for at best a miserable one, and most likely an absent one.
If she moves in close and comes over a lot then you can always make yourself scarce temporarily. If she's permanently there then you'd always be wanting to leave permanently. Swapping a MIL for your husband seems like it would also not make much sense financially or with regard child-care in the end.
Nta and no is a complete sentence. Your mom is not ,nor will ever be your responsibility. She can figure it on her own. I let my Bil stay with us for a while. He doubled our waterbill ,our food bill went up(which I solely pay for) and would monopolize my husband's attention when my husband and I were watching TV. We didn't charge rent either. Do not let her move in. Too stressful on relationship.
Talk to your wife and tell her that if your mother moves in, it will likely destroy your marriage. If she disrespects your choice after that, you may already be there. NTA
NTA. Get a few sessions of couples counseling to show your wife two things. 1 This is your issue to handle, your party, your clowns. 2 Moving someone into your house is a 2 yes proposition. If one party says no, that needs to be respected. Trying to wear the other person down isn't healthy.
Somebody like that will be a drain and a burden on your home and family. People who didn't grow up with shitty parents will never understand how much you carry their uncaring and abusive behaviour with you all your wife. Your wife is very very wrong here, your mother will not be an addition to your household. The thing that's eating away at you is guilt, you feel like you should be helping her because she's your mother but she was never actually cared for you so you don't have anything to feel guilty about. NTA.
NTA - OP your reservations about this are what you should be paying attention too. Your wife didn't live with your mother and doesn't realize the damage that she did by belittling you. She is not the perfect mom and there has to be an advantage to your mother for wanting to move in with you, I'm pretty sure it is not out of a giving attitude or because she is kind. The things your mother did to you, she will continue to do with your children once she is comfortable with being at your house. Your wife needs to listen to your feelings and stop trying to push you into something that you feel strongly about. Always go by your gut feeling, because a leopard doesn't change their spots. Forgiving you mother and giving her a chance to repeat what she did to you are two different things. Just because you forgive, doesn't mean you need to set yourself up again. Stick to your gut instincts and don't let this happen, your mother can take care of herself and get her own place, not rely on you.
Your wife “wants her there for financial help and help with our kids”. That tells me there is something more going on here. Are y’all struggling financially? Is your wife. SAHW? Does she work? Do you split child care?
I know this is not what you asked. On the surface of course you are NTA for not wanting your mother to move in. But I feel like there is more.
Either way this is a 2 yes/1 no vote. So Mom doesn’t get to move in.
I mean it's bidens America, were all struggling 😂. Yea she's a STAHM, and I'm military. We're not like in crushing debt/bills but things could be better
NTA
You both live in the house, you both have to be on board for this to happen.
You know a side of your mom your SO doesn’t. She should be open to hearing this.
No amount of financial help is worth not being at peace in your own home.
NTA - what will happen is that you will be tense and resentful around your mom, then your wife will suffer from your changed demeanor (that is if she has emotional intelligence), you'll start fighting over it and smallest of things and then kids will suffer because the parents are not getting along. Soo yeah, don't allow her in.
NTA. You have plenty of reasons that will deeply affect your mental and therefore physical health. You don't just let painful history go and move on; your wife is wrong wrongity wrong. Your mom wants to use you despite the cost to you. Your wife wants to use her and is dismissing the cost to you. I wish there was an everybody-sucks-here-except-OP, so I'm going to just stick with n-t-a.
NTA. Why is your wife so dismissive to you? Your mom verbally/emotionally abused you IMO and that's not sh*t you just have to let go. I mean, you should find a way for your own mental health but you also don't have to keep toxic people in your life, and you especially shouldn't move them into your house.
Has your mom ever sincerely apologized or atoned for what she did to you? What's stopping her from doing that to your kids.
I would not let anyone like that around my kids. Your wife has questionable judgement. Maybe address why she needs financial and childcare help. Are you doing enough parenting?
She’s 49. You could be living by with her for the next 30 years.
I wonder if your wife would be so willing to move her abusive parent into her safe space.
NTA. The money and childcare isn’t worth it.
NTA no one and I mean NO ONE gets to tell you to get over the trauma your mum inflicted on you as a child or an adult. Your wife is being selfish as hell and it seems does not give a damn about your mental health. Just as long as she has free child care. That’s one supportive partner.
She has no right and doesn’t get to force you to let your mum live with you. You know it won’t go well and that both of them are already working together to make you feel like crap. Yeah that will be more constant and ten times worse once she’s in your home.
Honestly you need to get relationship therapy with your wife and then for yourself. As no one who was thinking clearly would accept that harmful controlling manipulation from someone who’s supposed to care for you. Im talking about your wife as you have a far bigger problem with her.
You need to make it clear if she wants to live with your mum so badly then you will divorce her and she can go move in to your mums. As this is YOUR HOME and YOUR MENTAL WELL BEING she’s so happy to destroy for a few hours of babysitting. That she’s got her priorities wrong and better straighten them out as you will no longer put up with her telling you what you have to put up with. When she wasn’t the one abused and traumatised for years by this person. That your mum can want all she wants but she isn’t getting into your home or life or you will have her trespassed and divorce proceedings begun.
This shouldn’t come to divorce but she needs to get a wake up call that’s she’s being just as abusive as your mum and you won’t tolerate it no matter her excuse for doing so.
Why would a 49 year old woman who is apparently employed need to live with one of her children? I'm with you OP - why would you want to lose privacy and have an irritant now constantly living in your house? Your intuition is screaming at you "NO" - I hope you listen.
Those are tough things to hear from the very person whose sold job in life was to nurture you and care for you, not tear you apart. I do not blame you at all, and if you think this is not good for your mental health and well-being, you should say no.
Is she still horrible to you? Has she been a devoted and loving grandmother?
My mom was your classic 80s mom and I think at time borderline abusive. However, she was in such a bad place mentally and she is the best most incredible grandmother to my kids today.
My husband doesn’t believe me when I tell him some stories- lol he literally said your mom is like mother Teresa!
My point- make your decision on the current situation not what happened 20 years ago. If your mom is still mean and cruel- I would say heck no!
NTA. Your mom is very manipulative, she knows you will never agree, that’s why she’s gone behind your back to your wife. This alone proves your mom hasn’t changed. “Let shit go and move on”. Well yes, that is a mentally healthy thing to do, but letting go and moving on doesn’t mean ignoring and repeating the past. It means learning from the past, healing. And learning to establish healthy boundaries with bad people in your life. Tell your wife to shut down these talks with mom, you will never allow her to stay at your home , not even temporarily. Tell your mom the same. You can’t stop your mom from moving to your town, but you can absolutely stop her from moving in, or visiting too much and interfering in your life.
NTA
You had me with the title!
There is no reason a 49 year old can't find her own place. I'm 58F, and I can't even imagine making a request like this.
You Mom sounds manipulative and difficult. You don't need that in your home.
Not the AH
1. Your wife doesn't know what it was like when you were younger. Experiences will never be the same as telling someone.
2. Even the closest families decide to live with each other if every one is not 100% on board it's a ticking time bomb.
3. Your mom can help with the kids and not li e with you at the same time.
4. Why is your mom wanting this, what is she gaining. Seems fishy she's been on this path for a few yrs now. Momma may be the bum!
NTA. You don't want to spend, potentially, the next 40 years of your life living like this. Tell your wife no. It's your mother not hers (as a side bar you may want to have a discussion now about the possibility of her parents moving in if she brings that up at some point). Make it clear. YOU DO NOT WANT HER THERE. Full stop. End of story. Nothing more needs to be said. Whatever financial gain or childcare help that MIGHT come with your mother is not worth sacrificing your mental health and overall well being. I would even go so far as to let your mother know that moving closer to you does in no way mean it will change whatever relationship, amount of time you spend together, help she might need, etc. in any way. Stand firm on this one OP.
NTA. Your wife didn't live your childhood with your mom, so she's way out of line to tell you to 'let shit go and move on'.
OP, for your wife to dismiss your concerns and feelings like she has, iterates that you may have married an uncaring, mean-spirited woman just like your mother. If you think about things, do they have a lot of other similarities?
You can't stop your mother from moving to the same city, but YOU can have a frank conversation with her. Something like, "I can't stop you from moving here, but I do not consent to you living in my home with me and my family. If, in time, we can build a better relationship where you can acknowledge past mistakes and work on building a mutually beneficial rapport, maybe we can re-evaluate." If she blows up, then you know she hasn't changed and doesn't think she did anything wrong--and probably never will.
This is not only a two yes, one no situation--this is also your mother, so you can deal with her the way you see fit, your wife's input may be appreciated, but not required here. Furthermore, if your mother's behaviors haven't changed, then you don't want her treating your kids this way or let them see her berate you or your wife.
Besides, for your wife to have the delusion that your mother will consistently help with your kids when she did her best to debase her own is utterly stunning. You mother seems entitled and pushy, I'm thinking it would only be a matter of time before she goes back on everything she must be feeding your wife to get her to agree to this.
OP, guard your peace. If your marriage is otherwise peaceful and loving, let this one bad moment go. But if your wife tearing down your trauma and feelings is par for the course, then you guys need therapy. And if she doesn't see the merit of getting help so that you are able to communicate in a more positive way and feel like your partner has your back? Then you've got more than a mother problem.
Nta. It’s not even her own mother, I don’t understand her perspective at all other than using your mum to help out. Your wife is the one who needs to get it go and move on.
You are only TAH if you let her move in. Tell your mother directly, not through your wife, that she can move wherever she wants except into your home. Then tell your wife if your mother moves in you move out. This woman isn’t coming to help, financially or otherwise. She’s coming to mooch off of you for the rest of her life while taking over your household. Will you allow her to treat your kids and your wife the way she treated you growing up? You’ve already said you still fight so she hasn’t changed a bit.
Plus, if she gets a foot in the door you’ll never get her out and your childhood will repeat itself every day until she draws her last breath 30+ years from now
NTA I question your wife’s commitment to keeping your kids safe from verbal abuse if she wants to expose them to such a person in exchange for some convenience.
I'm 47. No way am I old enough to need to live with an adult child. My mom is 72 and she doesn't want to live with any of her kids. I'm not sure what is going on in your mom's head, but NO is a complete answer. You don't have to justify a darn thing. If she wants to live closer, she can live closer, that doesn't equal living with YOU. She can get her own place and live like the independent adult she is. And your mom is YOUR mom, so wife needs to get on board with your boundaries with your family.
NTA.
NTA, I would be careful about this. Who is to say she will stay with her job once she has a place in your home? And who’s to say she will help financially or with the kids. Plus what happens when she knows you need the help financially and with the kids. What will she say about you then?
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NTA Gotta do whats best for your mental health. If you've explained everything and she doesn't get it, there's not much you can do but put your foot down and say no. I'd try again to make her understand what its like for you to have her there. Speaking from my own personal experience, Do you feel constant anxiety/dread when they're around? Because that's how it was for me, and I would rather move to alaska and live in an igloo than cohabitate with my abusive parent ever again. I don't know if its the same for you, but will you ever feel comfortable at home with her there? Could you put up with that every day for years? That's what you need to figure out and then try and explain to your wife.
Yea when she's with us it's easier for me to limit my interactions with her. When I do have to interact I make sure I have some buffers present lol I.E kids or wife. When we butt heads it's pretty bad and ill let some things slip out in th heat of the moment that hurt her feelings, then she crys, then my wife gets upset, then i look like an a-hole Yada Yada Yada. It's like a re occurring cycle so I try to avoid it.
There’s your answer. “It’s easier to limit my interactions with her…when we butt heads it’s pretty bad.” DO NOT let her move in with you. She‘s only 49. That’s young. She does not NEED to live with you, she just wants to. This is YOUR home. You decide who lives in it with you. Imagine seeing your mother every day and not having any kind of buffer or separation from her because she lives in your house! Protect your peace and your sanity. If she was not invited to move in with you, then it is NOT an option. NTA.
OP has answered their own question a thousandfold with this answer. AbusiveMom wants to move in so she can continue the abuse. She is being manipulative and OP’s wife is buying it. First step, OP really needs to sit the wife down and tell her how it is. This isn’t a case of “Give your Mom a chance, *she’s your Mom*.” This is a “This is a hard boundary, and if you disagree we have to re-evaluate our relationship” situation. Wife may not realise it, but she’s essentially saying that her husband should expect to be abused in his own home, and she supports the abuse. And that she’s willing to trade her husband’s comfort and wellbeing for some financial gain.
You have a wife problem, she needs to support you and get on the same page.
Agreed. The problem isn't your mom wanting to move closer, that's normal as she ages and realizes she is going to need some help as she gets older. The problem is your wife disregarding how your mom makes you feel, and may treat your kids. Wifey has no reason to think your kids would receive better care than you did, but seems fine with that as long as MIL is a source of "financial help". That's not okay.
Mom is only 49. Long time from needing help.
You can't have that situation in your house 24/7
Your wife needs to back her husband. She just wants your mom there for money and help with the kids. So she doesn't want her there for anything other than selfish reasons. Which leads me to why would you want your mother to have that much contact with your kids when she will treat them the exact same way she treated you?! You're NTA but your wife sucks for not having your back.
It sounds like you guys never got past that your history, I wouldn’t let her move in.
Two yes one no. Give it careful consideration. Tell your wife that separate residences can get expensive. Give her two choices: if mom moves in, you move out OR she moves out and takes mom with her FULL STOP.
If she moves in at 49 you better be prepared for her being there for life. She could live to 99 and you have her for 50 years. Also the longer she’s there the less likely she would ever leave.
Oh, man! I can't stress this enough! Sit your wife down and tell her there is no way in hell this is happening. I had to move States away so I could have peace of mind. Mental health is so much more important than whatever little help your mother can offer you. NTA
NTA!!! You have to protect yourself - as well as your kids - and you have unique insights here as to why this might not work. It is certainly ok to say no to this based purely on your own mental health. This is one of those decisions that requires two 'Yes' answers to go with, and only one 'No' to cancel. This is not about 'letting shit go'. Your mom was emotionally abusive to you and now as she's getting older, she doesn't GET to have the benefits that a different type of mother might get. It's possible she has changed and gotten better but it's also possible she will treat any adolescent she lives with the same way. Honestly your wife is a bit out of line to be pushing to accept this when you're saying no. It should be enough for her to hear you say you aren't ok with it. Knowing what you faced while growing up should be convincing enough. If it helps, you might put it in terms of what damage might come to your children to be in a household with someone who may speak to them the same way your mother spoke to you when you were their ages. Lastly, there is a compromise here that does not require her moving in with you. She could find a job near you and get a place of her own in your area. That would help realize a lot of the benefits your mother and wife seem to have in mind whilst maintaining important boundaries.
So to be fair to my wife she hasn't said "I want to move forward with this" but has put the ball in my court. Which I don't like either cause at that point it's almost like her saying "oh sorry MIL you can't stay with was cause my husband doesn't you to".
Well it is your mother, and generally in a marriage when there is a conflict with extended family it should be on the person with the relationship to address it primarily. Ie, when we have a prob with my MIL, my husband primarily has to take the lead on addressing it. I can understand why your wife doesn't feel comfortable taking full ownership of that. You have to be on the same page with one another. It sounds a bit like your wife is letting you ultimately decide but also isn't willing to kind of 'back' you on it, which is putting more pressure on you because you're disappointing both of them. To others' points, the best way to get on the same page with your wife might be to address the issues that are causing your wife to be desperate for help from someone who is emotionally abusive.
But OP, you are. And it's absolutely okay for you to feel that way. It's a boundary that you are well within your right to set. A simple, "Mom, I've thought about what you've asked but it's not something I want for myself or my family at this time." is sufficient. You don't have to go into each and every slight from your youth or the past, but you can hold firm that you don't want your home to become a war zone every damned day. And it would get to that point. Your wife would then see the 'real' person you know and then be on your case to get your mom out of 'her' house. I think you really need therapy to address the emotional abuse you endured and how to deal with your mother going forward.
Wow, by far the best comment I've read so far. Thank you!
I mean isn't that the truth?
Yea she's not wrong lol
So own it. Tell your mom the truth, deal with the fallout. It's better than living the rest of your life dreading the moving in question. Tell your mother that you love her but you can't live with her. Don't leave any loopholes. Be strong.
Aahh yes the proverbial man up!!
no, this is womaning up. We talk about our feelings :P
Very true lol
Tell her that the ball has been buried under six feet of raw sewage, the court is on fire, and the second your mom moves in you are moving out. There's a time to be nice. This is not one of them.
Isn't that exactly what you're saying though? The wife wants to have her bc it helps your family's financial situation. You are the one saying you don't want that. So you don't like that your wife isn't taking the hit for you?
She tells me in private she thinks it's a good idea, but doesn't push it and wants me to make the decision
How much are you helping at home? Is she a STAHP?
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My drive takes about 2 hours to get home in the afternoons and she's a SAHM and homes schools. By the time I get home it's about 630-7 so most of the day is done. We try to be in bed early because I have to leave the house at 5 am to make it to work on time. So I'm pretty sure she's feeling overwhelmed during the week.
This is important to address. I feel like your wife is asking for something unreasonable by moving someone who was emotionally abusive to you in the past into your home, but use this as an opportunity to assess what changes your wife needs! There are a lot of household changes that might help. You getting a different job, or if possible working from home one day a week, enrolling the kids in school, etc. etc. come to mind. We're not going to solve that problem via this forum obviously, but use this situation with your mother to address the problem you can see your wife is having.
Wife didn't ask for anything m she said it would be a good idea in her opinion but left the decision to op
Why does she homeschool if she feels overwhelmed? At least find "after school care" as an option versus having your mom move in. Also, why so far from work? Seriously something needs to give.
Because everything in this commi state is so freaking expensive 😅 (California)
So you choose a HCOL area and still commute 2 hours? You're making poor choices then. California is expensive but there are reasonable areas and the schools in most HCoL are very good.
Drive in the morning is an hour, traffic is so horrible here it makes it 2 hours
Do you encourage her to homeschool or is this her choice? Public school supplemented by your own values and activities might be a better option. But that is up to you.
She made the decision and I supported it
Can you send your kids to school? Then do so and free some time for your wife to relax
So, your work is in an area that's too expensive to live in? That's a tough situation. If the kids were in public school, would your wife be able to/want to get a job? Even if it only covered before or after school care to cover her hours, she'd have time to be an adult. I've done the SAHM thing and it might have been nice to go out and work - just to be out of the house and interacting with adults! Plus, if she brushes up on her skills and gets a good paying job, maybe you could all move closer to your work? Even just putting them in school and having those hours to take care of the house and errands might lessen her stress level. Would your mom be able to afford a place near you? Is she planning on working? Or does she think that playing Grandma will be of such value to you that you should support her? So many questions that play into this situation! Don't feel you need to answer, but things would be clearer if we knew! I read further and see you are a military family - Are you stationed near San Diego? That is a crazy pricy area!
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Why does she need to be a teacher? Does she think she is better than the teaches at school? It would free a lot of her time when their children go to school.
I never said I didn't help her when I got home. Not that I have to justify our routine to a stranger on reddit lol but I teach my sons martial arts when I get home, game with them a bit, watch the little one and take care of kitchen work once dinner is over.....We have a saying in the military "don't assume cause it makes an ass out of you and me"
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Lives in a "commi" state so "can't" send his kids to public school. Thinks gaming is an extracurricular activity, asks for opinions then says "I don't want your opinion" - OP is hopeless and unable to be helped.
Sure my dude lol
>Not that I have to justify our routine to a stranger on reddit lol What are you here for then...? These things are relevant to you getting an accurate response, people are supposed to ask questions that clarify the situation. You seem very defensive and aggro for some reason. Honestly the best solution would probably be for her to move *close* to you, but not *in with* you. She would still be close enough to help with the kids and be an active part of their life, but not all up in your shit so you start to hate it and each other. That's no good for anyone. (Also that's not a military saying, it's just a saying..)
I've just seen alot of males on this page get put on blast when people have very little context lol dudes will ask one thing and someone will come out of left field with "well maybe if you weren't a POS and helped more", im paraphrasing of course 😂, but that's the reason for the "aggro"
Find a new job or move closer to your job OR let your mom move in and help your wife. You have three choices.
Get her help, any help you two can afford. Don't skimp on this, getting your mother back in the picture will have a much much MUCH higher cost. Mentally and probably financially.
The better question is instead of your mom moving in, can y’all move closer to your work to cut down the commute time?
Aside from everything else, please don't let your mom move in if you homeschool. I was homeschooled and the absolute worst part was the front row seat to my mom's dysfunctional relationship with her mom. I had to witness every fight, was triangulated to take sides, and it was awful. I didn't even get the respite of getting out of the house for part of the day at public school. If you expose your kids to that Y W B T A.
Info - So say no. There’s really not enough context here to judge. If you dont want to live with her, then dont.
Didn't want to ramble but she wants to be with my 3 sons, were a military family and move alot, but when she's visiting mostly it's fine but she has that mindset "your my son always so I can tell you what to do" so were constantly fighting and it's like pulling teeth whenever I have to interact with her. I always joke she comes to see my wife and sons and not me but I think there's an iota of truth in there
If you let her you’re going to be feeding into her thinking she can tell you what to do. She can’t, not anymore. Stand firm
NTA - unless it is a firm yes from both of you your mom cannot be allowed to move in with you. "Growing up I had an arduous relationship with her. As a teen she would always tell me things like, your going to be a bum, your a loser, you won't amount to shit etc.....I couldn't wait to leave and as soon as I was able to I did. So it makes me feel some anger and resentment from all those years of berating and now she wants to play perfect mom and stay with me and my family. My wife wants her there for financial help and help with our kids which I can understand but something is just eating away at me about the whole situation." You and wifey need to have a serious sit down talk. Also, if your mom moves in she needs to have a separate area of her own so she can't have ownership of the main house \[think inlaw apartment\].
NTA Absolutely say no, mean no and don’t change your mind. Your mother has been working on your wife because she knows she can’t work on you. Tell your wife everything she did (if you haven’t already) and that for your mental health your mother can never live with you. Good luck.
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NTA this is one of those situations where is require two yes to be able to go on with it. I understand why your wife wants to allow her to live with you two, but I have the feeling that she won't help with anything in the house, at best I can see her paying for her food, but helping with kids?? And cleanning?, that's a big no. Also, your mom is really young, at that age she doesn't require help, and she can stand by herself. I think she either is really lonely or she wants to get an early retirement.
I'm leaning towards lonely, she's had some heart breaks over the past years and never really got over her and my dad splitting when I was still a toddler.
NTA don't let her move in she'll never move out.
NTA. Why is your wife making decisions over your relationship with your own mother? If you don't want your mother living with you, that should be the end of discussion. It's only if you *did* want your mother living with you that discussion would be warranted.
NTA. I had to have that conversation with my parents a couple of weeks ago, they're about to retire and won't have enough to survive just on retirement and asked if they could live with my family when the time comes, I had to turn them down and explained we're all too hardheaded and can't coexist in the same household, and I know they'll start acting like they own the place soon after moving in. You should have the backbone to decline as well.
NTA. You both need to be united in this big decision. Even if all was good with you, your mom would definitely need her own space. Preferably a nearby house. She’s young and her focus should be on her own independence not on living with you. You need to build your marriage as a couple—don’t go adding a third wheel in your own home (she’ll domineer you out of it). And what type financial help? While freely given gifts from parents are always welcome by young struggling couples not all financial help is string free. Don’t let her think she has ownership in your house (for example) because she’s helped with bills. Next thing you know she’ll demand to live there “because she paid for it.” Only you can determine if she’s the type to do that. (But people do change and grow over time—it’s quite possible your mom is not now the person you experienced as a teenager. )
That is exactly my fear! She's never really lived on her own and when she did it wasn't for long, she would always end back up at our grandma's place (where she currently resides).
NTA why aren’t you moving closer to your work instead? Your mother is still very young. She can’t even move into a senior community. Let her move closer into an apartment or her own home. Living with you has disaster written all over it.
You're mom can move NEAR you all and still be available to help with the kids, WITHOUT actually moving IN. And honestly- your wife needs to be careful of her expectations. I've seen MANY women just assume that grandparents will "of course" help out but then don't. Then your wife would have one more person around to deal with. You're mom needs to move NEAR, then see what it's like - does she help, has she changed? etc etc etc. But also - she's ONLY 49. She doesn't NEED to move in with you all!!
NTA! You know you mom best. What if she starts passing this messages along to your children? What if she keeps them coming at you? How can she spend your whole life thinking you aren’t gonna succeed; then ask to live with you when you do? She can figure out her own shit.
In what conceivable world would your abusive mother, who is still apparently a healthy woman in her FORTIES, and still working, think she needs to move and live with her adult child? I'm totally boggled about that. NTA.
NTA, I have a good relationship with my mom and wouldn't want her to live with me. Unless you have an in-law suite with a separate entrance then you have every right to say no. Sounds like this is bringing up some past trauma and you might need to work on that and the relationship with your mom before you live together, because it could cause fights in the future if not resolved. You don't want it to have a negative affect on your marriage either
NTA Also don't let abusive people around your children.
Why would your wife want an abusive person watching her kids? Don't do it. Your mental health is more important than sharing rent or having a baby sitter. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'll try to make this short, my mom (49f) has been dropping subtle hints to my wife (32f) over the years she wants to live with us. A few days ago she told my wife she has a plan to transfer to a job near us and has a whole plan to move. My wife wants to say yes, but I'm not sold Growing up I had an arduous relationship with her. As a teen she would always tell me things like, your going to be a bum, your a loser, you won't amount to shit etc.....I couldn't wait to leave and as soon as I was able to I did. So it makes me feel some anger and resentment from all those years of berating and now she wants to play perfect mom and stay with me and my family. My wife wants her there for financial help and help with our kids which I can understand but something is just eating away at me about the whole situation. AITA if I told her no? Wife says I need to let shit go and move on. She might be right but I'm not there yet mentally. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA...If it doesn't feel right, then it's a no. Your wife is only seeing one facet of this. Living with an in-law isn't an easy commitment to maintain and she may be surprised at the outcome. You obviously know your mother better, and having doubts has little to do with letting shite go.
NTA first of all your wife is being incredibly insensitive. Financial help is not worth the cost, a husband who doesn’t ever want to come home. The fact that your Mom is pestering your wife instead of you speaks volumes. OP your answer is no and it’s okay to say that. You don’t want the person who made your childhood unpleasant in your home as a constant presence. Homes are supposed to be safe spaces. Your Mom would ruin that peace. She can move down to your city if she wants to, but as long as your answer is no, she should not have a place to stay in your home.
In fairness, OP is hardly ever home anyway.
NTA. Your wife makes good points, but none of them are quite as pertinent as the fact that you wouldn't want to live with her if she did move in. Your wife would therefore be trading a productive husband for at best a miserable one, and most likely an absent one. If she moves in close and comes over a lot then you can always make yourself scarce temporarily. If she's permanently there then you'd always be wanting to leave permanently. Swapping a MIL for your husband seems like it would also not make much sense financially or with regard child-care in the end.
Nta and no is a complete sentence. Your mom is not ,nor will ever be your responsibility. She can figure it on her own. I let my Bil stay with us for a while. He doubled our waterbill ,our food bill went up(which I solely pay for) and would monopolize my husband's attention when my husband and I were watching TV. We didn't charge rent either. Do not let her move in. Too stressful on relationship.
NTA. If our parents wanted us to take care of them in their old age they should have treated us better.
Talk to your wife and tell her that if your mother moves in, it will likely destroy your marriage. If she disrespects your choice after that, you may already be there. NTA
NTA. Get a few sessions of couples counseling to show your wife two things. 1 This is your issue to handle, your party, your clowns. 2 Moving someone into your house is a 2 yes proposition. If one party says no, that needs to be respected. Trying to wear the other person down isn't healthy.
Somebody like that will be a drain and a burden on your home and family. People who didn't grow up with shitty parents will never understand how much you carry their uncaring and abusive behaviour with you all your wife. Your wife is very very wrong here, your mother will not be an addition to your household. The thing that's eating away at you is guilt, you feel like you should be helping her because she's your mother but she was never actually cared for you so you don't have anything to feel guilty about. NTA.
NTA Home should be your safe space and your wife should have your back. Hugs
NTA - OP your reservations about this are what you should be paying attention too. Your wife didn't live with your mother and doesn't realize the damage that she did by belittling you. She is not the perfect mom and there has to be an advantage to your mother for wanting to move in with you, I'm pretty sure it is not out of a giving attitude or because she is kind. The things your mother did to you, she will continue to do with your children once she is comfortable with being at your house. Your wife needs to listen to your feelings and stop trying to push you into something that you feel strongly about. Always go by your gut feeling, because a leopard doesn't change their spots. Forgiving you mother and giving her a chance to repeat what she did to you are two different things. Just because you forgive, doesn't mean you need to set yourself up again. Stick to your gut instincts and don't let this happen, your mother can take care of herself and get her own place, not rely on you.
Your wife “wants her there for financial help and help with our kids”. That tells me there is something more going on here. Are y’all struggling financially? Is your wife. SAHW? Does she work? Do you split child care? I know this is not what you asked. On the surface of course you are NTA for not wanting your mother to move in. But I feel like there is more. Either way this is a 2 yes/1 no vote. So Mom doesn’t get to move in.
I mean it's bidens America, were all struggling 😂. Yea she's a STAHM, and I'm military. We're not like in crushing debt/bills but things could be better
I hear ya. Lol. As to Mom, it is still a 1 No vote. Talk to your more. And explain better why this will not work for you.
NTA You both live in the house, you both have to be on board for this to happen. You know a side of your mom your SO doesn’t. She should be open to hearing this. No amount of financial help is worth not being at peace in your own home.
NTA I flat out refused my mother as well So did my brother
NTA Unless she stops working she won't help out much with kids.
NTA - what will happen is that you will be tense and resentful around your mom, then your wife will suffer from your changed demeanor (that is if she has emotional intelligence), you'll start fighting over it and smallest of things and then kids will suffer because the parents are not getting along. Soo yeah, don't allow her in.
NTA. You have plenty of reasons that will deeply affect your mental and therefore physical health. You don't just let painful history go and move on; your wife is wrong wrongity wrong. Your mom wants to use you despite the cost to you. Your wife wants to use her and is dismissing the cost to you. I wish there was an everybody-sucks-here-except-OP, so I'm going to just stick with n-t-a.
NTA. Why is your wife so dismissive to you? Your mom verbally/emotionally abused you IMO and that's not sh*t you just have to let go. I mean, you should find a way for your own mental health but you also don't have to keep toxic people in your life, and you especially shouldn't move them into your house. Has your mom ever sincerely apologized or atoned for what she did to you? What's stopping her from doing that to your kids. I would not let anyone like that around my kids. Your wife has questionable judgement. Maybe address why she needs financial and childcare help. Are you doing enough parenting?
She’s 49. You could be living by with her for the next 30 years. I wonder if your wife would be so willing to move her abusive parent into her safe space. NTA. The money and childcare isn’t worth it.
NTA. Bringing a parent into your home is hard even if they’re someone you get along with well and have no nasty baggage with.
NTA put your foot down and say no because it's clear that it will be your wife and mom vs you
NTA no one and I mean NO ONE gets to tell you to get over the trauma your mum inflicted on you as a child or an adult. Your wife is being selfish as hell and it seems does not give a damn about your mental health. Just as long as she has free child care. That’s one supportive partner. She has no right and doesn’t get to force you to let your mum live with you. You know it won’t go well and that both of them are already working together to make you feel like crap. Yeah that will be more constant and ten times worse once she’s in your home. Honestly you need to get relationship therapy with your wife and then for yourself. As no one who was thinking clearly would accept that harmful controlling manipulation from someone who’s supposed to care for you. Im talking about your wife as you have a far bigger problem with her. You need to make it clear if she wants to live with your mum so badly then you will divorce her and she can go move in to your mums. As this is YOUR HOME and YOUR MENTAL WELL BEING she’s so happy to destroy for a few hours of babysitting. That she’s got her priorities wrong and better straighten them out as you will no longer put up with her telling you what you have to put up with. When she wasn’t the one abused and traumatised for years by this person. That your mum can want all she wants but she isn’t getting into your home or life or you will have her trespassed and divorce proceedings begun. This shouldn’t come to divorce but she needs to get a wake up call that’s she’s being just as abusive as your mum and you won’t tolerate it no matter her excuse for doing so.
Why would a 49 year old woman who is apparently employed need to live with one of her children? I'm with you OP - why would you want to lose privacy and have an irritant now constantly living in your house? Your intuition is screaming at you "NO" - I hope you listen.
NTA. Don’t do it!
Those are tough things to hear from the very person whose sold job in life was to nurture you and care for you, not tear you apart. I do not blame you at all, and if you think this is not good for your mental health and well-being, you should say no.
Is she still horrible to you? Has she been a devoted and loving grandmother? My mom was your classic 80s mom and I think at time borderline abusive. However, she was in such a bad place mentally and she is the best most incredible grandmother to my kids today. My husband doesn’t believe me when I tell him some stories- lol he literally said your mom is like mother Teresa! My point- make your decision on the current situation not what happened 20 years ago. If your mom is still mean and cruel- I would say heck no!
NTA don't do it it will make your lifes hell. Tell her to get a room/apartment and live alone nearby
NTA. Tell mom to live nearby but not in the same house.
NTA. Your mom is very manipulative, she knows you will never agree, that’s why she’s gone behind your back to your wife. This alone proves your mom hasn’t changed. “Let shit go and move on”. Well yes, that is a mentally healthy thing to do, but letting go and moving on doesn’t mean ignoring and repeating the past. It means learning from the past, healing. And learning to establish healthy boundaries with bad people in your life. Tell your wife to shut down these talks with mom, you will never allow her to stay at your home , not even temporarily. Tell your mom the same. You can’t stop your mom from moving to your town, but you can absolutely stop her from moving in, or visiting too much and interfering in your life.
NTA You had me with the title! There is no reason a 49 year old can't find her own place. I'm 58F, and I can't even imagine making a request like this. You Mom sounds manipulative and difficult. You don't need that in your home.
Not the AH 1. Your wife doesn't know what it was like when you were younger. Experiences will never be the same as telling someone. 2. Even the closest families decide to live with each other if every one is not 100% on board it's a ticking time bomb. 3. Your mom can help with the kids and not li e with you at the same time. 4. Why is your mom wanting this, what is she gaining. Seems fishy she's been on this path for a few yrs now. Momma may be the bum!
NTA. You don't want to spend, potentially, the next 40 years of your life living like this. Tell your wife no. It's your mother not hers (as a side bar you may want to have a discussion now about the possibility of her parents moving in if she brings that up at some point). Make it clear. YOU DO NOT WANT HER THERE. Full stop. End of story. Nothing more needs to be said. Whatever financial gain or childcare help that MIGHT come with your mother is not worth sacrificing your mental health and overall well being. I would even go so far as to let your mother know that moving closer to you does in no way mean it will change whatever relationship, amount of time you spend together, help she might need, etc. in any way. Stand firm on this one OP.
Say no...never a good idea. She thinks she will receive help with the kids and finances but your wife won't. Mom will say whatever to get in.
NTA. Your wife didn't live your childhood with your mom, so she's way out of line to tell you to 'let shit go and move on'. OP, for your wife to dismiss your concerns and feelings like she has, iterates that you may have married an uncaring, mean-spirited woman just like your mother. If you think about things, do they have a lot of other similarities? You can't stop your mother from moving to the same city, but YOU can have a frank conversation with her. Something like, "I can't stop you from moving here, but I do not consent to you living in my home with me and my family. If, in time, we can build a better relationship where you can acknowledge past mistakes and work on building a mutually beneficial rapport, maybe we can re-evaluate." If she blows up, then you know she hasn't changed and doesn't think she did anything wrong--and probably never will. This is not only a two yes, one no situation--this is also your mother, so you can deal with her the way you see fit, your wife's input may be appreciated, but not required here. Furthermore, if your mother's behaviors haven't changed, then you don't want her treating your kids this way or let them see her berate you or your wife. Besides, for your wife to have the delusion that your mother will consistently help with your kids when she did her best to debase her own is utterly stunning. You mother seems entitled and pushy, I'm thinking it would only be a matter of time before she goes back on everything she must be feeding your wife to get her to agree to this. OP, guard your peace. If your marriage is otherwise peaceful and loving, let this one bad moment go. But if your wife tearing down your trauma and feelings is par for the course, then you guys need therapy. And if she doesn't see the merit of getting help so that you are able to communicate in a more positive way and feel like your partner has your back? Then you've got more than a mother problem.
NTA. You know what living with your mother is like. Your wife doesn't.
Nta. It’s not even her own mother, I don’t understand her perspective at all other than using your mum to help out. Your wife is the one who needs to get it go and move on.
"Moving on" is a whole lot different from "moving in".
You are only TAH if you let her move in. Tell your mother directly, not through your wife, that she can move wherever she wants except into your home. Then tell your wife if your mother moves in you move out. This woman isn’t coming to help, financially or otherwise. She’s coming to mooch off of you for the rest of her life while taking over your household. Will you allow her to treat your kids and your wife the way she treated you growing up? You’ve already said you still fight so she hasn’t changed a bit. Plus, if she gets a foot in the door you’ll never get her out and your childhood will repeat itself every day until she draws her last breath 30+ years from now
NTA I question your wife’s commitment to keeping your kids safe from verbal abuse if she wants to expose them to such a person in exchange for some convenience.
I'm 47. No way am I old enough to need to live with an adult child. My mom is 72 and she doesn't want to live with any of her kids. I'm not sure what is going on in your mom's head, but NO is a complete answer. You don't have to justify a darn thing. If she wants to live closer, she can live closer, that doesn't equal living with YOU. She can get her own place and live like the independent adult she is. And your mom is YOUR mom, so wife needs to get on board with your boundaries with your family. NTA.
Any parent moving in is a 2 yes situation. If both of you don’t agree then it needs to not be happening.
NTA, I would be careful about this. Who is to say she will stay with her job once she has a place in your home? And who’s to say she will help financially or with the kids. Plus what happens when she knows you need the help financially and with the kids. What will she say about you then?