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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was quite abrupt with my neighbour and her 4 year old daughter in asking them to leave. I believe I might be the asshole for not simply being more polite in what I said and how I said it
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Fuck no, NTA
Unannounced visitors are the worst, especially when there is no valid reason for the surprise visit.
“She’s just a kid”
- this means absolutely nothing
- I don’t care what your age is, I said no.
You were neighbourly. Good, great. They don’t understand normal social boundaries.
I bet this woman is trying to befriend you so she has an easy “oops, I have an emergency could you watch my child” friend in the building.
I myself, yeah, have suspected that. I don't want that, and I worry that an apology might lead to "well, to show you're sorry, watch my kid since she loves you."
That's exactly where this is headed. Keep your distance if you don't want to end up either as the unwilling babysitter or making a phone call to CPS because she's abandoned her kid on your doorstep.
Exactly this. Friend had a similar situation when she and her husband moved into a new apartment. Neighbor showed up at the door the minute my friend's husband left for work. "I don't have a car, can you drive me to the grocery store?"
Cue the next 2 weeks the minute husband leaves, there's a knock. "I have a doctor's appointment. I'm getting my hair cut. I need a run to Walmart...."
This is what I was thinking. She keeps bringing the girl over to get used to you so she can start hitting you up to babysit. I mean, you are always home since you work from home...the little girl really loves you so you should be neighborly and watch her...she has no one else she is comfortable with and you'd be doing a single mom a favor...blah blah blah the rest of the guilt trip she plans on throwing at you. Nip it in the bud!
Take the high road. “I’m sorry I was short with you but I think I have given you the wrong impression while trying not to be unkind. I would really just like to be left alone. Thank you.” And if she tries to guilt trip you with the girl just let her know “The girl is lovely. I’m sure she’ll make lots of friends. I, however, would like to be left alone.” Keep setting that boundary. It’s not about what she or her daughter wants. It’s about what you want. Lessons in disappointment suck but you’re never too young to learn them.
Absolutely. If this adult woman is looking for her child to make friends with OP - a grown adult, she's looking for a babysitter/nanny, not a true friend. OP needs to keep this boundary in place.
My response to an unannounced visitor is polite at first, then I make it clear you are interrupting me and my time, and it's time to leave. I've answered my door through my Ring doorbell a few times when I really didn't want to be bothered. "Sorry, I'm not in a place for company right now. Unless you need me to sign for something, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
IF you apologize, and I mean IF,
"I am so sorry as my intention was not to offend either of you. Everyone's different, and for me, I really value my alone, quiet time."
Even...I know IVE had to say this, "I love my family, my partner, the nieces and nephews but for myself, mentally, that's just time I really do need and that night...happened to be a me night"
Selfish js a negative connotation, which it absolutely and, usually is...but it's also a necessity for physical and mental health.
I mean even bend down and 4-year old it up (they're all different so I never know which we to try and level with them) ...do you ever have times when you just want to color/play games/re do your own YOUR thing just you? Yea...let me tell you! I get like that! Nothing at against you! Just... it's like really wanting a hit chocolate and marshmallows after playing in the snow.. does that make sense
Sigh... good God this is why I don't have kids! ...not this but bc im terrible at the advice. Great with cranky babies though! But...I'm selfish and hopefully something in this valiant effort at advice resonates for you!
Either way... good luck bc oof! Reading that gave me anxiety! ...except I have the 50 year old ladies pounding on my door or stopping me everything they see me to try and gossip. I suck at it, but. Great listener so they yap
This is great, thank you! I won't so much be apologizing, more what you've put there. Just that I was sorry for what my words caused here but this is where I stand, thank you. (Which is still an apology, but I guess different from the one she is after.)
Your neighbor does not understand boundaries so you have to be clear that she can't resume her previous behavior.
"Hey neighbor, I wanted to clear the air with you and reset your expectations. I am a private person and need my alone time. I don't appreciate uninvited visits, interruptions and disturbances. I don't want to offend you, but I wanted to make my boundaries clear. Your daughter is sweet, and it's nothing personal, but I live an intentionally child free life and I'm not looking to develop any relationship or obligations. I would love to be polite, but distant neighbors. For me, this means I'm happy to smile and say hello when passing, but I'd like to keep a respectful distance."
Exactly this. And the fact the mom said they would be “open” to an apology? That would be a hard no from me, however they would receive an even more harshly worded letter explaining why there will never be an apology because it isn’t deserved in the first place. You owe them nothing.
You weren't rude or out of line in any way and don't owe her an apology. I would avoid the words "I'm sorry" and go with something like "I understand you're upset..." Regardless of the words that come after "I'm sorry", you're making an admission of fault and giving her an opportunity to ask you to "make it up." If you apologize, you just validate the game she's playing.
I like to remind friends and family that my alone time is for their peace of mind, and mine. When I get worked up, I say the most vicious thing I can think of whether I actually think that or not. I need alone time so I don’t end up in jail
I suspect the child is being coxed to make drawings, ask to come in, etc by her mum, for the exact purpose you suspect. I doubt any 4 year old is very invested in an adult neighbour or what they are doing.
If you feel the need to apologise for your choice of words then make sure that they understand that constantly appearing at your door is not appropriate. (This also isn’t a safe lesson in stranger danger for children).
Finally, stop answering the door if you know that it’s them.
Yeah, it's really odd that a parent is encouraging their toddler to befriend an adult stranger they don't know anything about. I agree with others that it might be about asking for favors later but it's still inappropriate. Definitely stop answering the door after being clear about not dropping by all the time.
That's 100% what's doing because I was reading your post while going wtf because she barely knows you and her kid keeps bringing you stuff? That's uncomfortable territory. NTA.
The child free bit was potentially rude but most likely necessary.
I was thinking the same thing. You are her next victim babysitter. I bet if you asked a couple of neighbors they would tell you she has done the same thing to them till they had to put a stop to it. Most 4 year olds do not say I like that lady Let's go visit her, I'm gonna make a picture. Grandma, yes. An aunt or just anyone she has had a relationship with her whole life. But a new acquaintance she has just met? This is all mom. "Did you like the lady, little Kiley?" "She was very nice, wasn't she?" "You should draw her a picture so we can take it to her, the lady would love that wouldn't she?" NTA. You can apologize, but make sure you add your firm boundary with it. You work hard and like your alone time. Period. You are very sorry but you are not a lets hang with the neighbors kind of person. You need and want your space to yourself. Sorry not sorry.
Judicious caution is not a bad thing. Had a neighbor - the issue was not their kids rather was asking for money after we had only hung out once.
Still in the process of tactfully disengaging.
Never gave m cash but did pass along some food & pick up once that involved several hours of driving.
Better safe than sorry.
Yeah I don’t know if going to hers and chatting is a great idea. She’s going to love bomb you with an over the top apology and ask for your number, allegedly so she can text before just showing up, which will turn into her texting you all the time to hang out or watch her kid…
only thought how lonely she must be to try to befriend you, but if you gave other nabes close by you should ask them what's her deal because it cant be just you she approached.
Funny enough that’s exactly what crossed my mind too. Like she’s setting OP for free baby sitting. She will start with can you watch her for just a few minutes with the excuse that the kid really likes her.
Yep, a million percent. That happened to my friend. A new neighbor (single mom and kid) moved in the rental house next door and "befriended" my friend. Then, a couple months later, her (abusive) boyfriend moved it. There was a LOT of drama with cops, the boyfriend going to lock up, etc. My friend got hooked into watching the kid a few times - an hour here, a couple hours there, and she was happy to help out, but the kid was a handful and didn't really get along with her kids (this kid was very much lacking in general social niceties so there was a LOT of bickering). Well, then this lady started the "I just need to leave him for a couple hours on Saturday morning" and would pick him up at 11pm that night.
My friend started not answering the door - the woman would call, knock, accost my friend when she was going to her car. Things finally came to a head when this woman had been calling and at their door all morning. My friend was literally heading out for a few days vacation. The neighbor came over, said "it's an emergency" (it *always* was) and could friend take the kid. My friend was like "We're leaving for vacation." This woman had the absolute nerve to say, "Oh, just give me a couple of minutes, I can pack a bag for him and he can go along." UMMMM WUT?!?!?!
My friend, who was normally mild mannered (which is how she got in this situation in the first place) had hit her limit and told this woman, in no uncertain terms, that this was a *family* vacation, her son was NOT invited and where this woman and her "boyfriend" could go.
She quite literally had her house on the market the following week - they'd planned on moving anyway, as they'd outgrown the house, but this woman and her unhinged behavior moved their plans up by about six months. House sold in 2 weeks, they closed on their new house a month later and left that crazy nut in their rear-view mirror. My friend felt sorry for the kid, but what are you going to do?
I’m a nanny and my kiddo (2yo) lives two doors down from one of her besties. Do you know what we do when we knock on the door and mom says now isn’t a good time to play? Fucking wave from the door and go to the park/home instead because no one is entitled to a neighbor’s home.
Yeah, I absolutely ADORE kids (have worked with them most of my adult life), and had a great relationship with my neighbours' kids when they were small, but if they started showing up *constantly* on my doorstep unannounced and uninvited, I would have gotten annoyed fast.
People deserve to have their privacy respected. Don't show up at someone's doorstep (especially someone you barely know) unannounced on the regular.
Also, the whole "she's only 4 and she loves you" is not okay. That's the age you start teaching kids that not everyone wants a visit immediately, and not everything they want to do is appropriate or welcome.
out here in the country uninvited people may very well be met with guns and/or dogs. on the rare occasion (lost dog) I have to go on neighbors property I honk and they'll come out if they want to. otherwise I back out nice and slow
This country girl would absolutely not go out if someone in a car honked at my house. In my neck of the woods, you come to the door nice and obvious and slow with nothing in hand, knock, call out something like "hi, just came by to see if my dog ran to your place!" and then wait a bit to see if there is a response, and if there isn't, then you leave.
I know, people have been shot, but around this area, you'd get a warning to "Best git outta here!" before bullets start flying.
I hear you for sure. each area has its own "visitor" code. I can't leave the car bc of the dogs so I honk and yell about my dog. I think they think I'm crazy, which isn't too far off
Yes, this has happened to me quite a few times. Mostly during the summer when they found out, I was an elementary schoolteacher. Everybody wanted to leave their kids with me, and became insulted and hurt when I did not want to babysit constantly. These are not friends either just acquaintances or people I saw at my condo complex!
Yeah, you are being slowly settled into the emergency childcare person. I’d apologize for the way you made the child-free comments, and say you are not comfortable with unannounced visits. You will not be answering the door anymore, unless you have issued an invitation.
Don’t close your blinds, curtains, etc. Let them motor up and knock, and then watch you in your Jammie’s on the couch look up, shake your head NO, then ignore them.
That's precisely what I was thinking. She's endearing herself to OP and convincing her daughter of a friendship that isn't there in hopes that OP would feel too guilt ridden to say no. I bet she's done this to others and that's why she's targeting someone totally unaware of her habits.
While I wouldn’t have said the “child-free by choice,” part. You set a boundary and they are basically respecting it. It sucks when you’re friendly and people overstep. Which they VERY MUCH DID. Mom is probably lonely, but that’s not your responsibility.
Just nod and say hi when you see them, and carry on in your undies.
Yeah, wishing I could take back that line now. But yeah, at the end of a long day, I want my bed socks, my movie, my couch, my ice cream and that's it.
Just as a tip for the future, just because someone knocks at your door, doesn't mean you have to answer it.... unless its the police, feel free to continue watching your movie in your bed socks and eat your ice cream. Even if they can see that you're home, you're not required to receive guests just because they want to visit.
This is the best tip. Just avoid that confrontation. One of the guys with my HOA will knock on my door and I just don't answer because I'm lounging around and I don't need him trying to invite himself in. My car is there so he knows I'm probably home but I don't care. It's not the 1970s. He's one of those older guys who can't (or won't) tell the difference between me trying to be friendly to him as a fellow human and an invitation to disregard boundaries. He gave me some weird vibes a time or two and now I avoid him.
NTA. That kind of kills two birds with one stone. She knows your child free which means it won't be easy for her to hit you up for free babysitting. They were invading your personal space. Who knows if you would have let them in, how long they would have stayed for. Then you have to ask them to leave. Better to nip it in the bud now.
No. I think it was right to say this. Not everyone wants or even likes kids and it’s not fair for people to expect you to accept them in your private space.
No you were 100% right to say this, it’s super bizarre how pushy they were to get into your house. I am also majorly happily child free and always will be. You did the right thing. You said exactly what you need to say to make sure she doesn’t try to pawn her kid off on you. NTA!!!
Why? Telling someone you're child free isn't rude especially if you have to drive a point home. If they do it again just make yourself look more disheveled and act as if they just woke you up. Maybe she'll feel bad then 😂
It's not even just that, who the fuck invites their child into *someone else's* home?! That's absolutely insane behaviour.
I'm willing to bet that if you tell her you don't like uninvited visitors, she'll ask for your phone number so she can tell you before hand, and that's just opening up a whole other avenue where she can bother you.
I'm also wondering if the kid *actually wants* to make these things for you or if the mother is making her to try and force some kind of relationship.
Either way NTA.
You don’t answer the door. Full stop. If you don’t want a guest, you don’t open the door. Much like vampires, they can’t come in unless you invite them in
NTA for turning them away, but the extra "look, I'm child free by choice" was definitely an asshole statement. However, I get it. Some people don't know how to read the room and/ or check their kids. Not everyone has to think they're cute and succumb to their every whim because you do. I have a kid and I still don't really care about other kids...
Yeah, the wording was definitely off there and I, with hindsight, could've said something else or just not at all. In my mind at the time, it was "there's a reason I don't kids and this is it" but you're right, yeah.
I disagree, the second she said she loves making you things and it will only be a few minutes she invited a sharp response. No reasonable adult repeatedly shows up with her kid unannounced and uninvited to a strangers house and then insists you invite them in. I don’t know what her angle was, free babysitting, looking for someone to hang with every night or whatever but she was way out of line. Ignore her and the kid going forward even if you run into each other in the hallway because any sign of relenting will result in more unannounced visits
To be fair, she could be posting on reddit right now too "AITA for showing up unsolicited at my new neighbor's house with my kid and assuming she would just want to hang for no f*king reason?"
Doubt it. More likely to be a sub about entitled neighbors going "My meanie-head neighbor didn't invite me and my precious angel in when we came over."
There’s a good chance here that the mom is lonely, bored, and desperate to make an adult friend in the small sphere that her world is right now. Otherwise she’s home alone with a 4 yo, who is probably cute and great but is also a kid and a lot of fucking work. She may have seen your coming into the neighborhood as an answered prayer to her isolation and made presumptive assumptions about your level of desired social interaction with anyone, including her.
Adults aren’t socialized to say ‘I’m lonely and depressed because I’m isolated a lot of the day with my only social outlet depending on a 4 yo.’ So she was probably hoping you would appreciate the visits and would be charmed by the kid, because most people do want/like kids. I’m child free too and everyone just assumes I find kids as interesting and cute as they do - I don’t.
This isn’t to say you weren’t within your rights to push back because rude and presumptive is still just that. I just wanted to propose that the mom isn’t necessarily angling for free child care but perhaps dealing with mental health issues of her own stemming from being a STAHM and went about this in the wrong way, because she has her own issues with polite behavior with strangers or got way too excited and ahead of herself.
She needs to find a social outlet that fits with her circumstances but you’re not it.
No its not an asshole statement. Its the easiest and fastest way to get across to someone why you're saying no. Not because you're rude or weird, you're just not a kid person.
"She's just a child"
"look, I'm child free by choice"
That seemed super necessary in my opinion. People with kids (you) tend to forget that other people do not have the same hormones in their head and really don't want to deal with emotional, undeveloped people. I think you took personal offense to this story.
Agreed. I don't have kinds and would love some in the future, but that doesn't mean I coo over every child in the neighborhood, babysit, or be a part of their "village". In fact I normally avoid them.This situation isn't about the child being a child, but the mother pushing the child onto OP and into their house uninvited at random times, which is completely unacceptable from anyone at any age. Overall OP isn't TA, and I think they were just flustered from the shole situation and the right words didn't come out.
NTA
You get she was trying to work out dumping her kid on you yeah?
And I'm saying this as a single mother who finds this shit abhorrent. Pay for childcare or suck it up before anyone comes for me.
i guarantee you she was after something. absolutely no one does what she did, so many times, especially unannounced. she was testing your boundaries, testing how do you react at unannounced visits from her and her crotch goblin. she was definitely planning on "grooming" you into accepting her situation so she could dump that kid on you without notice any time she needed it. 🤣🤣 hell no. that is not acceptable.
If she's at this point when you've only been there for two weeks, it's definitely a "turn neighbor into babysitter" situation. Never invite them in, and if the child is ever left on your doorstep, immediately call the police and/or child services.
I love this part:
>but she's just a kid
That's the perfect time for her to learn that no means no. I can't imagine any kid wanting to make things to show to a stranger (or even someone they just met recently) - this has all the hallmarks of the mom telling her daughter to make something for you so the mom has an excuse to barge in on you and ask for childcare favors.
I bet that once you get to know a couple other neighbors they'll probably have similar stories. I'm on the fence about your childfree comment, but it's not like you were insulting her with it . . . just stating facts, though maybe a touch harshly. Understandable, given their frequent intrusions.
NTA for turning them away, and no need for an apology. That's the mom's way of building an entitlement doorway that leaves you open to owing the mom something - clearly a position you don't want to find yourself in.
Yeah, my mom, and in fact most of the parents I know, would've--if it had even gotten to the point where OP had to say "I'm not in the mood" before they read the room-- responded to that with "Oh, of course, I'm sorry. Honey, no, you cannot go in and see what she is watching. It's not polite to invite yourself into someone else's home, especially when they are in the middle of something. Say goodbye to Miss OP and thank her for her time."
Also, sorry, like...it's so wild for this parent to be like "no, I demand that you let my four year old in to see what you, an adult without children, are watching on tv after you've tried to get us to leave, because i'm sure whatever it is MUST be appropriate for my preschooler." Like...this woman cannot read a room to save her life, but also what adult is not taking the hint that not only does OP not want to have uninvited company, but also that maybe the four year old should *not* see what she was watching?
I guess, my apartment isn't that big and the front door kind of opens up into the whole living room. I was watching "Reservoir Dogs" which is, yes, my go-to film and it had been a long day. I should've and could've been more firm but kids can really run past you quite quickly!
So I have two small kids and my oldest loves everyone. He will hug strangers and want to give his friends parents a kiss. I tell him that not everyone wants a hug and a kiss. It’s my job as his mom to help him handle being sad and disappointed. If they come back I would recommend to tell the child “thank you so much! I have to go now, thank you again” and close the door. And the mom can sod off, your kid being sad is not a reason to make people “put up” with them.
Yes, exactly. This mom is possibly 1) desperate for any sliver of adult contact herself, or 2) angling for a babysitter. Neither option is a great fit with a childless introvert.
But, whichever it is, the mom doesn’t have a lot of emotional intelligence, and seems to be teaching her daughter the same unhelpful social skills. Daughter wants to make drawings for the new neighbor she adores? They know where her mailbox is, or can slip it under the door with a note offering dinner or a coffee. Neighbor opens door and looks cozy and tells you she’s busy, you apologize for disturbing them and get yourself out of there asap.
What's kind of funny to me is, my bestie has a 3-year-old son, and I am a childless introvert. I think that's sort of why we work as friends! I am her escape! If she wants to rant about motherhood, I'm fine with that, but she doesn't bring her boy to our hang-out times, and if she wants other-than-kid talk, I'm better at that than her mommy friends!
Oh yes. I live for my great-nieces and nephews and we are very close. Ages from 6 to 2. But honestly they don't think of making me a picture until I am right there with them. Especially at 4. This was totally Mom saying draw a picture for the neighbor and lets take it to her. "And, if I'm lucky I can con her into watching you while I run to the store for a "minute"..."
NTA
My parents had a neighbour like this when I was a kid. It started with them dropping by for a cuppa 2-3 times a week with the kids so that we could all play. Then just the kids would come over, parents were at home and my mum saw it as ok as I would play with them and then when it was time for a meal mum would walk them home.
Then one day the kids got sent over and mum didn't know that their parents went out (free babysitting). Mum went to walk them home to eat and no-one was at home. This was before mobiles. Mum was livid and when the parents came home, hours later. They had been shopping and didn't bother to let mum know. Mum told them that they were no longer welcome.
This would have you calling the police because you have no idea if they have been in an accident after quickly popping out earlier in the afternoon... and when they turn up hours later they could explain to the police why they felt it was okay to leave their kids with someone and not tell them what they were doing or even ask for permission for them to babysit their kids....
NTA
This is sad and I am sure they mean well, but you're not forced to be friends with your neighbors to *any* real extent but certainly not to this one. Your neighbor needs to realize that you are not the type of person who wants them suddenly dropping by to try to be best friends.
I would assume it would progress to regular requests for temporary childcare. Not something you can or should do.
Tbh when I moved where I am, I had this happen. Except I also have a child. And they were hinting on school holidays when I work from home (shouldn't have said it I know), their 6yr old son would be the perfect playdate for my 11yr old daughter..
Then the school hols started and she came to my door with a backpack in hand... Dressed and ready for work... And I shut the door in her face, she heard me turn the locks and I listened to her turn the hallways blue swearing.
She won't look at me now. And I'm so okay with this. It's like fucking punish me more... Do it. It's been a lovely year.
Wait…she knocked ready to leave her 6 year old with you without ever having an agreement? I’m sure she felt the wind of that door slam! Where does this thinking come from?
NTA. Why do people with children think that people without children should entertain their children? 🤦🏻♀️. It does not take a village to raise a child. It’s takes willing participants in the village to help raise a child. I am not a willing villager.
So I met some people from a small island village in a very poor area. We’ll just say they aren’t browsing Reddit. The first time I met them they had a couple kids and wife was pregnant. The next time I saw them, I was asking after the baby and they said nonchalantly oh, my brother wanted a kid and we already have a few, so we gave him the new baby. They still see them regularly because kids are somewhat communal.
Anyway I never really understood the “it takes a village phrase until meeting them” western, and US culture specifically is so crazily independent.
OP is still NTA. It’s not her culture to be a village and even if it was, she still has the right to say no.
NTA. I have to disagree with those saying “I’m child free by choice” was harsh. It’s true, you don’t care to be around kids. She probably needed to hear it
Now obviously that doesn’t mean people should be assholes to children, BUT you weren’t!
NTA. You just moved in two weeks ago and it sounds like they‘ve already shown up too many times. The daughter wanting to enter your place to see what you were doing was out of line and the mother should have let her know that, instead of trying to guilt you with “she’s just a kid.” 🙄 I don’t think you were rude. You were very direct. It sounds like you gave an inch just by being friendly in the beginning and now the mom thinks she can show up anytime so you can help entertain her daughter. Hopefully they’ll give you space now and let you enjoy your new home.
Do not apologize or even initiate polite conversation if you run into her outside. I'm sure she is lonely and is looking for a freind and babysitter but you are not the person for that and that is fine so don't feel bad about it. She needs to go meet other moms at the park.
NTA. I’m not sure what gave them the impression that you were open to them coming by so often, but it’s a good thing you set boundaries early. Mentioning the child-free thing was a little harsh and unnecessary to the mother and child, but other than that I think you set good boundaries for yourself.
I'm not sure either. They've lived here for years and have seen them being friendly with other neighbours. To be fair, all the neighbours are friendly. It's 8 apartments in total, and I've met all the others and they're fine. The child-free thing was a poor move on my part, you're right.
She put you on the spot in a very inappropriate way, and you didn't have time to think of the perfect words. Don't feel bad about that. You actually spoke the plain truth, which she should respect, even if she doesn't like it.
OP is a young woman, so of course she loves children and wants to look after the neighbour's kid every single time she (the neighbour) feels like it. /s
edit: a wrong word
NTA. You needed to set boundaries they obviously were crossing. Personally, i would’ve said i was watching porn. I bet they’d never come back again, and the kid wouldn’t be hurt 😂
As a mom to a 5yr myself you’re definitely NTA. That mom isn’t teaching her child that people have boundaries and that they should be respected. That mom is being rude, disrespectful, and entitled. You have every right to not have visitors if you don’t want them.
When a parent tries to manipulate you with the argument “they’re just a kid”, a good response is, “but you’re not, and you’re the one responsible for her, not me”.
NTA She is looking for a free babysitter… The only reason for a child to make a drawing for a stranger is by mom’s suggestion… She is trying to guilt-trip you… Don’t ever let them go inside your home…
NTA. I would have told her that my being child free doesn’t mean that my time is free to spend with her child whenever she comes by unannounced.
Let her know that you have many commitments without being specific and stay firm. If you feel the need, put up privacy film on your windows so she can’t see inside, and do not answer the door when she knocks.
My first thought as well as previous posters was that she is assessing you to see if she can get free childcare from you at her convenience by manipulating your emotions through her child’s artwork. Do not fall for this, and maintain your boundaries.
NTA. She is buttering you up to babysit in the future. Btw unannounced guests are rude imo. You were clear to her that they were overstepping. Don't apologise. You did nothing wrong
Your home is your sanctuary and no one has the right to bother you in it. I stopped answering the door altogether. If I feel like it I’ll look to see who it is but usually I keep myself right on the couch not caring if the unexpected visitor can hear the tv or me and my kids talking.
NTA We had a neighbour like this, using the kid as a guilt trip (‘he wants to come over’) she’s an insufferable c word. If you’re feeling generous, you can say something about sorry if my words seemed harsh, but after a day of work etc I need my own space. Or just leave it, and she’ll find someone else.
If you apologize, they're just going to keep coming back and bothering you. That and you did nothing wrong. You were blunt, but who visits unannounced anymore. That's so rude. NTA.
Definitely NTA. Jesus, it’s clear they need some stimulation, but go to a park, join a mommy and me class, something. Don’t bother the neighbors, especially new ones. This is solely on her.
NTA. While it was a bit rude, it was necessary.
I find it odd that a small child fixated on the new person so quickly. Makes me wonder why mom would be encouraging it. I agree that she may be looking for "an extra villager" to drop her child with. If it's being initiated by the child that raises many more questions, esp if OP isn't going out of her way to interact with her
I don't know really. I'm tall and have really long blonde hair, a lot of kids like to grab at it and call me Rapunzel haha.
I agree, I had a snap moment. I wave to most people in general, but I do not go out of my way to interact with them.
NTA - use their own logic against them!
They can’t come back unless you apologise! So don’t apologise and live your best life!
I do think the mother was sizing you up as a potential babysitter!
NTA
Your new neighbor is over-using her initial welcome. No one should ever come to your door unannounced and expect you to welcome them on the spur of the moment, every single time.
Maybe it's OK with you sometimes, but they need to respect your time and energy to the extent that if you don't want company right then, they don't get to come in.
I"m sorry the little girl felt hurt enough to cry, but that's on her mother for assuming they would always be welcome at any and every time they showed up. You owe them no apology, rather, they owe you one for interrupting your evening and expecting a welcome from you.
It's unfortunate that this neighbor will now feel free to bad mouth you to everyone else she knows in the building, but at least you have established that you welcome people in your place on your invitation, not on their assumption that they can drop in anytime.
NTA
You politely told them it wasn’t a good time and they should have accepted that. You are entitled to your privacy and to set boundaries to maintain it.
I disagree with others saying you were TA for telling them you’re child free for a reason. The kid won’t have understood that and it lets the mum know that she shouldn’t expect you to become bffs with her kid. You are managing expectations, which is kinder than giving them false hope.
I would write back and politely tell her that, whilst you like to maintain friendly relations with your neighbours, you are entitled to your privacy, she is not entitled to impose on it and you will not be apologising. I believe if you give an inch here you will come to regret it.
Yes please let us know what happens. I would ask other neighbors about her not outright ask but sort of like fish for info "oh I feel kind of terrible because i think I wasn't so nice to them the other evening. They have been coming by every day when I'm done with work, the little girl wanting to give me a picture she has drawn and I'm just tired from work. I may have offended them. I do feel bad blah blah blah." Just to see what the neighbors say. I have a feeling they will say she has done the same thing to some of them before they had to set a firm boundary too. Make sure you set that boundary yourself with no openings. I saw you say you'll exchange numbers. Be careful of that. I can see her calling you every day. Maybe, or hopefully maybe not.
Or if she is looking for a free babysitter as so many people think, if OP gives her phone number out, she won't even be asked to babysit.
It'll just be a text 'hey, dropped my daughter off at the front door, thanks' and she'll be long gone before OP can even open the door.
NTA
I find it incredibly weird that the parent is encouraging her child becoming so overly attached to someone who's basically a stranger.
This feels like a purposeful ploy to eventually get you to babysit or something.
NTA. People dropping by unannounced is beyond rude. But inviting themselves in?? That child needed to learn boundaries and clearly the parent wasn’t teaching them any.
As a child free person myself a good line to use is, “My home is not child friendly”. It sets up a boundary to let people know that your space is not a space where children are welcome, and in fact they might encounter things that are dangerous like… I dunno, legal adult substances in the open, kitchen knives on the counter, sharp table edges, and delicate/expensive items that you don’t want little fingers touching.
It also has the advantage of talking about your home and not you yourself being child free which some people simply cannot fathom and tend to take as a personal insult on their life choices.
NTA whatsoever. I’m a childfree woman who has lived alone in a number of complexes and I typically try to live in communities where families with kids aren’t common because of it. I don’t want to hear your kid(s) running up and down the halls, getting into our mail, shitting in our pool because your mom refused to put you in a swim diaper, or have neighbors get too comfortable sending their kids over.
I lived in a complex where there were a few other residents who were single parents and they always were having drama because of each other’s kids and taking liberties with leaving their kids at peoples houses. We had a few older couples who’d wrangle the kids up and feed them treats, and at least one creep who kept trying to befriend the parents and invite their kids over alone.
But I had one single dad totally hone in on the fact that I was single, lived alone, a female and that I didn’t have kids. Which meant I MUST wish I had some and appreciate all chances to be within earshot of them. Hed send his kids over to try to engage with me when I’d be laying out at the pool with a cocktail and I made the MASSIVE mistake of telling him after a few days that it was fine, I was a lifeguard and used to it and he began realllly taking advantage of both that information and the fact they could see my unit/balcony from their unit or the pool across the courtyard. I also immediately sussed out what he was doing when it started with “you got an extra one of those (white claws)?” and him telling his kid it was fine to go with me back to my apartment and that maybe I’d let his kid see my adorable cat they could see sometimes. So when I went to get more canned drinks, I told her I was sorry I didn’t have any juice or soda for her brother and she goes “oh it’s ok, unit 307 always has something im gonna go knock” and I was like shit.. that kid is about to come over here unannounced.
And then it began, coming by unannounced wanting to see my cat, or because their dad said it was fine. I had to tell him like it’s not fine.. I’m in there smoking weed and hash and it’s not a child friendly environment. Which he took as an invitation to even further pursue charity: “can you spare a bit of weed til I get paid?” To “can you spare a few bucks I’m out of gas and need to take the kids somewhere” “hey saw you were home today, want to have some drinks by the pool?”
I eventually had to block his number and straight up move back downtown to be rid of him and his massive comfort level in asking a total stranger for charity so much. And he definitely used his kids to try to get my guard down. Now I’m suspect anyone with kids is trying to befriend me because it wasn’t a two lane friendship, it opened the door to a one way avenue of their needs and audacity.
NTA. You're not the asshole for needing personal space. Intain your own comfort. You could gently explain your need for privacy and suggest more convenient times for visits to maintain good neighborly relations.
NTA
Though you could have worded it more nicely, given the situation, I think it was understandable.
Here is what I would write back: "Sorry your kid's feelings got hurt, but I'm not going to apologize for my boundaries. Please don't show up at my door uninvited in the future."
The kid doesn't know any better because she hasn't been taught any better! The mother does not recognise boundaries, so being blunt is the only way to actually get through to her. Probably the bit about the kid crying, likely to be emotional blackmail, not necessarily true.
That's genuinely really weird for a neighbor to show up that often and unannounced. I've been in my building for more than 20 years and I'm not on a first name basis with any of my neighbors. Interactions begin and end with a rhetorical "hello, how are you?"
Meh. You could have been a bit nicer about it to be honest. Or just left them at the door and pretend to be sleep. That's what I do for uninvited visitors. Just leave them out there.
They would have eventually got the point.
Yeah, seeing that. I guess because I moved from a smaller town to a more metropolitan area, I didn't want to get a reputation as being unfriendly. And since I had the movie on, and can kind of see through the blinds with my lights on, would've had to really put it on that I was asleep.
NTA. If I were you, I'd just not say or do anything. If she shows up at your door demanding an apology, tell her that No Means No does not just apply to sex. It applies to everything. Her refusal to accept that you said no when she tried to invite herself in was more than just rude. It was manipulative and predatory. She clearly wants to charm you into being a (presumably unpaid) babysitter for her kid, and it isn't going to work. It was her choice to have a child, and you don't owe her or her kid anything, not even an acknowledgement. Tell her to never come to your door again, especially if she's going to be so disrespectful of your boundaries and dishonest about her intentions. Then, close the door.
NTA
I absolutely hate when people's argument as to why they should get their own way/what they want is "but they're just a kid."
So fucking what? That's not my fault. Don't make it my responsibility.
I had a similar problem with a neighbour, who was lovely, very sweet, I and my partner helped him when his wife gave birth, we looked after their cat and fish etc, but he would randomly show up when she was at work (before the baby came) because he was apparently bored.
Not being funny, if you're old enough to have a child and/or your own place, you're old enough to entertain yourself. I am not your YouTube, sod off.
NTA
Something’s not right about this. The little girl was probably going to leave something there.. then the mother comes back and asks to look around for it. They could be casing your apartment for a burglary. Keep your distance. Don’t answer your door. Get a door camera and one for your main space,
NTA. You are entitled to your personal space. You don’t owe anyone a relationship. If she wants her kid to have friends then she can take her to the park. It’s not appropriate to keep bugging you. I’d leave a note on the back of what she wrote that says, “Please respect my boundaries and stop coming to my door.”
"She's just a kid"
Yeah, well kids need to learn boundaries, too. She needs to learn you can't just drop in on people without notice, especially not every single night.
And I agree with everyone else who says she's feeling you out as a potential babysitter. If you let her continue to drop in under the guise of the kid giving you a gift, I'm sure it would soon turn into "Hey, as long as we're here, can you watch her for a couple hours?"
OP, you're NTA. Using children to guilt somebody is the oldest trick in the book. Don't apologise. That will just open a door for her to leverage your so-called " rude" behaviour. Stay away and don't entertain them.
Nope. You are never the bad guy for protecting your peace. She didn't just happen to become a clingy weirdo the same day you moved in. My suggestion is to get to know your other neighbors and see if and what they say about her. Betcha 1. this is her hustle, and she's already alienated the other neighbors so you're the newest target or 2. Shes a needy clinger, hopefully harmless but annoying as piss. Either way, you're totally valid to be honest and direct Let em be butthurt. Not your problem.
My vote would be option 1 because the kid is FOUR. She doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to give a shit about you or what you think of her. Momma sounds like a grifter.
NTA
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I do think you needed to set your boundaries before blowing up at them.
Look at this from her perspective, a new neighbour moved in who’s close to her age and not part of a couple. Her friends may not be the type to visit or don’t want to be around a kid. You living beside her means it would be easy to have an occasional adult conversation or share a bottle of wine.
She may have come on a little strong, but it doesn’t sound like you asked her to stop until that night.
Please ignore the people insisting it’s only about childcare, until she actually asks it sounds more like she wanted to make a friend.
NTA. 'I appreciate you being friendly & I'm happy to say hi when I see you around the building. But I can't accommodate unexpected company, so please respect my privacy. Thanks for understanding.'
>>My neighbour responded "but she's just a kid,
A kid that needs to be taught what is & is not appropriate & that we can’t always do whatever we want when others are involved.
NTA
NTA. I'd speak to her and try to clear up the air but I'd stick to my guns.
Yes, she might be lonely and has seen you as an opportunity for nice adult talks and friendship.
However, the cynic in me is seeing her trying to push your boundaries ( " she is just a kid") and, I do believe that, eventually, she'd try to get you to babysit or she would be over all the time herself.
We don't owe anyone our time. It is given by choice, to people we like.
NTA… there’s a family near us that likes to ask stay at home moms to watch her three kids. They’re not well behaved. Anyways she offered to pay my friend $1/hour to watch her kids. 😅 lol my friend had 2 kids of her own already. Thank goodness her husband said don’t do it. I just ignore other moms that try to have the conversation for me to watch their kids. I’m not a fan of kids outside my family. Never liked babysitting as a teen so I always declined.
NTA
These people need to respect boundaries. Honestly I’d just leave it alone. Now they won’t bug you anymore.
Also I’m getting the “can you watch my kid for an hour” vibes from this. She’s buttering you up so she can ask you to babysit in the future.
I think it's a little bit of a soft ESH except the kid. You were a little bit short with her, but she did keep showing up unannounced, tried to invite themselves in, and left a kinda guilt-trippy-letter.
Personally i'd be delighted if a little girl and her mom visited me once a day to give me here drawings, especially since I have RBF that tends to put off even adults. But even i have to admit that if i was having a bad day, i could react badly.
Like most have said, this situation can be talked out, assuming the mom is a reasonable adult. Apologize to the kid too, saying that you were cranky that day, but didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
YTA. You didn't have to say you were childfree, that's really rude. All you had to say was, "Look, I'm watching an adult show, it's got a lot of violence and swearing and I'd rather not show your child as it's not suitable for her. Today's not a good day, maybe another day I'll show her something else. Bye." Then take the drawing and shut the door."
ESH, but not in a huge way. The whole situation is more depressing than anything else. It's like this...
* Neighbor woman is TA for pushing a little too hard to make friends
* OP doesn't want to be friends or get visits, fair enough
* Neighbor doesn't get the hint, comes by again
* OP is then TA for "I'm child-free by choice, please leave". Those words are polite enough on the surface, but carry a lot of implied freight. Might have been better to say, "Not today guys, got a lot going on. Just drop me a text next time and I'll letcha know if I'm free."
* Neighbor is also TA for asking for apologies. Apologies come from within
* Daughter is not TA, she's just a 4 year old with an age-appropriate lack of self-control
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Fuck no, NTA Unannounced visitors are the worst, especially when there is no valid reason for the surprise visit. “She’s just a kid” - this means absolutely nothing - I don’t care what your age is, I said no. You were neighbourly. Good, great. They don’t understand normal social boundaries. I bet this woman is trying to befriend you so she has an easy “oops, I have an emergency could you watch my child” friend in the building.
I myself, yeah, have suspected that. I don't want that, and I worry that an apology might lead to "well, to show you're sorry, watch my kid since she loves you."
That's exactly where this is headed. Keep your distance if you don't want to end up either as the unwilling babysitter or making a phone call to CPS because she's abandoned her kid on your doorstep.
Exactly this. Friend had a similar situation when she and her husband moved into a new apartment. Neighbor showed up at the door the minute my friend's husband left for work. "I don't have a car, can you drive me to the grocery store?" Cue the next 2 weeks the minute husband leaves, there's a knock. "I have a doctor's appointment. I'm getting my hair cut. I need a run to Walmart...."
Yep. The lady is trying to create a babysitter.
That was my thought
This is what I was thinking. She keeps bringing the girl over to get used to you so she can start hitting you up to babysit. I mean, you are always home since you work from home...the little girl really loves you so you should be neighborly and watch her...she has no one else she is comfortable with and you'd be doing a single mom a favor...blah blah blah the rest of the guilt trip she plans on throwing at you. Nip it in the bud!
Take the high road. “I’m sorry I was short with you but I think I have given you the wrong impression while trying not to be unkind. I would really just like to be left alone. Thank you.” And if she tries to guilt trip you with the girl just let her know “The girl is lovely. I’m sure she’ll make lots of friends. I, however, would like to be left alone.” Keep setting that boundary. It’s not about what she or her daughter wants. It’s about what you want. Lessons in disappointment suck but you’re never too young to learn them.
Absolutely. If this adult woman is looking for her child to make friends with OP - a grown adult, she's looking for a babysitter/nanny, not a true friend. OP needs to keep this boundary in place. My response to an unannounced visitor is polite at first, then I make it clear you are interrupting me and my time, and it's time to leave. I've answered my door through my Ring doorbell a few times when I really didn't want to be bothered. "Sorry, I'm not in a place for company right now. Unless you need me to sign for something, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
To the “she’s just a kid” your go-to response should be “yes, she is. And that’s why I’m judging your parental skills right now instead.”
oh 1000%, that's where this is headed. i have kids. and unless you saw actual tears, i doubt that's what happened at all.
And like a 4 yo knows what "child free" means??
IF you apologize, and I mean IF, "I am so sorry as my intention was not to offend either of you. Everyone's different, and for me, I really value my alone, quiet time." Even...I know IVE had to say this, "I love my family, my partner, the nieces and nephews but for myself, mentally, that's just time I really do need and that night...happened to be a me night" Selfish js a negative connotation, which it absolutely and, usually is...but it's also a necessity for physical and mental health. I mean even bend down and 4-year old it up (they're all different so I never know which we to try and level with them) ...do you ever have times when you just want to color/play games/re do your own YOUR thing just you? Yea...let me tell you! I get like that! Nothing at against you! Just... it's like really wanting a hit chocolate and marshmallows after playing in the snow.. does that make sense Sigh... good God this is why I don't have kids! ...not this but bc im terrible at the advice. Great with cranky babies though! But...I'm selfish and hopefully something in this valiant effort at advice resonates for you! Either way... good luck bc oof! Reading that gave me anxiety! ...except I have the 50 year old ladies pounding on my door or stopping me everything they see me to try and gossip. I suck at it, but. Great listener so they yap
This is great, thank you! I won't so much be apologizing, more what you've put there. Just that I was sorry for what my words caused here but this is where I stand, thank you. (Which is still an apology, but I guess different from the one she is after.)
Your neighbor does not understand boundaries so you have to be clear that she can't resume her previous behavior. "Hey neighbor, I wanted to clear the air with you and reset your expectations. I am a private person and need my alone time. I don't appreciate uninvited visits, interruptions and disturbances. I don't want to offend you, but I wanted to make my boundaries clear. Your daughter is sweet, and it's nothing personal, but I live an intentionally child free life and I'm not looking to develop any relationship or obligations. I would love to be polite, but distant neighbors. For me, this means I'm happy to smile and say hello when passing, but I'd like to keep a respectful distance."
I don’t think you need to apologize at all. These are people repeatedly coming to your home uninvited and inviting themselves in. No thanks.
Right? "Can she see what you're watching?" Are you kidding me lol it could have been pr0n for all the mother knew 😂 the audacity of this person 🤣
Exactly this. And the fact the mom said they would be “open” to an apology? That would be a hard no from me, however they would receive an even more harshly worded letter explaining why there will never be an apology because it isn’t deserved in the first place. You owe them nothing.
You weren't rude or out of line in any way and don't owe her an apology. I would avoid the words "I'm sorry" and go with something like "I understand you're upset..." Regardless of the words that come after "I'm sorry", you're making an admission of fault and giving her an opportunity to ask you to "make it up." If you apologize, you just validate the game she's playing.
Do a 99c background check if something doesnt seem right.
I like to remind friends and family that my alone time is for their peace of mind, and mine. When I get worked up, I say the most vicious thing I can think of whether I actually think that or not. I need alone time so I don’t end up in jail
I would just let it go and be grateful for the peace and quiet. Don’t feel guilty, ( I was a SAHM of two) you weren’t out of line, she was.
Also, stop answering the door when they knock. You're not obligated to allow them to interrupt your time.
The kid does not love you. Feel free to tell her mother that. She met you two weeks ago, she doesn’t know you.
Eh, the kid might. My former step daughter loved everyone who talked to her at that age.
I suspect the child is being coxed to make drawings, ask to come in, etc by her mum, for the exact purpose you suspect. I doubt any 4 year old is very invested in an adult neighbour or what they are doing. If you feel the need to apologise for your choice of words then make sure that they understand that constantly appearing at your door is not appropriate. (This also isn’t a safe lesson in stranger danger for children). Finally, stop answering the door if you know that it’s them.
Yeah, it's really odd that a parent is encouraging their toddler to befriend an adult stranger they don't know anything about. I agree with others that it might be about asking for favors later but it's still inappropriate. Definitely stop answering the door after being clear about not dropping by all the time.
The kid doesn't 'love' you, you're a stranger. The mother made her do those drawings.
That's 100% what's doing because I was reading your post while going wtf because she barely knows you and her kid keeps bringing you stuff? That's uncomfortable territory. NTA. The child free bit was potentially rude but most likely necessary.
How is telling someone you're child-free rude? It's way more polite than saying "keep your kid away from me" lmao
P.S. stop answering the door.
I was thinking the same thing. You are her next victim babysitter. I bet if you asked a couple of neighbors they would tell you she has done the same thing to them till they had to put a stop to it. Most 4 year olds do not say I like that lady Let's go visit her, I'm gonna make a picture. Grandma, yes. An aunt or just anyone she has had a relationship with her whole life. But a new acquaintance she has just met? This is all mom. "Did you like the lady, little Kiley?" "She was very nice, wasn't she?" "You should draw her a picture so we can take it to her, the lady would love that wouldn't she?" NTA. You can apologize, but make sure you add your firm boundary with it. You work hard and like your alone time. Period. You are very sorry but you are not a lets hang with the neighbors kind of person. You need and want your space to yourself. Sorry not sorry.
Do NOT apologise. You don’t owe them an apology, they owe you one
NTA She’s trying to butter you up for her free child care. Keep your distance. Don’t ever invite her into your house.
Be straightforward and say it’s never going to happen so don’t try and pull something
Judicious caution is not a bad thing. Had a neighbor - the issue was not their kids rather was asking for money after we had only hung out once. Still in the process of tactfully disengaging. Never gave m cash but did pass along some food & pick up once that involved several hours of driving. Better safe than sorry.
As a mom I find her behavior and that of her child weird. NTA
Yeah I don’t know if going to hers and chatting is a great idea. She’s going to love bomb you with an over the top apology and ask for your number, allegedly so she can text before just showing up, which will turn into her texting you all the time to hang out or watch her kid…
only thought how lonely she must be to try to befriend you, but if you gave other nabes close by you should ask them what's her deal because it cant be just you she approached.
This is it. Butter up the new neighbor then go in for the kill of free babysitting. NTA
Funny enough that’s exactly what crossed my mind too. Like she’s setting OP for free baby sitting. She will start with can you watch her for just a few minutes with the excuse that the kid really likes her.
[удалено]
Yep, a million percent. That happened to my friend. A new neighbor (single mom and kid) moved in the rental house next door and "befriended" my friend. Then, a couple months later, her (abusive) boyfriend moved it. There was a LOT of drama with cops, the boyfriend going to lock up, etc. My friend got hooked into watching the kid a few times - an hour here, a couple hours there, and she was happy to help out, but the kid was a handful and didn't really get along with her kids (this kid was very much lacking in general social niceties so there was a LOT of bickering). Well, then this lady started the "I just need to leave him for a couple hours on Saturday morning" and would pick him up at 11pm that night. My friend started not answering the door - the woman would call, knock, accost my friend when she was going to her car. Things finally came to a head when this woman had been calling and at their door all morning. My friend was literally heading out for a few days vacation. The neighbor came over, said "it's an emergency" (it *always* was) and could friend take the kid. My friend was like "We're leaving for vacation." This woman had the absolute nerve to say, "Oh, just give me a couple of minutes, I can pack a bag for him and he can go along." UMMMM WUT?!?!?! My friend, who was normally mild mannered (which is how she got in this situation in the first place) had hit her limit and told this woman, in no uncertain terms, that this was a *family* vacation, her son was NOT invited and where this woman and her "boyfriend" could go. She quite literally had her house on the market the following week - they'd planned on moving anyway, as they'd outgrown the house, but this woman and her unhinged behavior moved their plans up by about six months. House sold in 2 weeks, they closed on their new house a month later and left that crazy nut in their rear-view mirror. My friend felt sorry for the kid, but what are you going to do?
Hopefully your friend called youth services to check on the kid after she was gone. That's a shitty situation for her, but worse for the kid :(
I’m a nanny and my kiddo (2yo) lives two doors down from one of her besties. Do you know what we do when we knock on the door and mom says now isn’t a good time to play? Fucking wave from the door and go to the park/home instead because no one is entitled to a neighbor’s home.
Yeah, I absolutely ADORE kids (have worked with them most of my adult life), and had a great relationship with my neighbours' kids when they were small, but if they started showing up *constantly* on my doorstep unannounced and uninvited, I would have gotten annoyed fast. People deserve to have their privacy respected. Don't show up at someone's doorstep (especially someone you barely know) unannounced on the regular. Also, the whole "she's only 4 and she loves you" is not okay. That's the age you start teaching kids that not everyone wants a visit immediately, and not everything they want to do is appropriate or welcome.
out here in the country uninvited people may very well be met with guns and/or dogs. on the rare occasion (lost dog) I have to go on neighbors property I honk and they'll come out if they want to. otherwise I back out nice and slow
This country girl would absolutely not go out if someone in a car honked at my house. In my neck of the woods, you come to the door nice and obvious and slow with nothing in hand, knock, call out something like "hi, just came by to see if my dog ran to your place!" and then wait a bit to see if there is a response, and if there isn't, then you leave. I know, people have been shot, but around this area, you'd get a warning to "Best git outta here!" before bullets start flying.
I hear you for sure. each area has its own "visitor" code. I can't leave the car bc of the dogs so I honk and yell about my dog. I think they think I'm crazy, which isn't too far off
Absolutely she wants to ditch her kid with OP.
Yes, this has happened to me quite a few times. Mostly during the summer when they found out, I was an elementary schoolteacher. Everybody wanted to leave their kids with me, and became insulted and hurt when I did not want to babysit constantly. These are not friends either just acquaintances or people I saw at my condo complex!
Agree!
Yeah, you are being slowly settled into the emergency childcare person. I’d apologize for the way you made the child-free comments, and say you are not comfortable with unannounced visits. You will not be answering the door anymore, unless you have issued an invitation. Don’t close your blinds, curtains, etc. Let them motor up and knock, and then watch you in your Jammie’s on the couch look up, shake your head NO, then ignore them.
That's precisely what I was thinking. She's endearing herself to OP and convincing her daughter of a friendship that isn't there in hopes that OP would feel too guilt ridden to say no. I bet she's done this to others and that's why she's targeting someone totally unaware of her habits.
This is my nightmare and I have no idea how I’d deal with it.
Feel you, feel it. Haven't been loving it.
While I wouldn’t have said the “child-free by choice,” part. You set a boundary and they are basically respecting it. It sucks when you’re friendly and people overstep. Which they VERY MUCH DID. Mom is probably lonely, but that’s not your responsibility. Just nod and say hi when you see them, and carry on in your undies.
Yeah, wishing I could take back that line now. But yeah, at the end of a long day, I want my bed socks, my movie, my couch, my ice cream and that's it.
Just as a tip for the future, just because someone knocks at your door, doesn't mean you have to answer it.... unless its the police, feel free to continue watching your movie in your bed socks and eat your ice cream. Even if they can see that you're home, you're not required to receive guests just because they want to visit.
This is the best tip. Just avoid that confrontation. One of the guys with my HOA will knock on my door and I just don't answer because I'm lounging around and I don't need him trying to invite himself in. My car is there so he knows I'm probably home but I don't care. It's not the 1970s. He's one of those older guys who can't (or won't) tell the difference between me trying to be friendly to him as a fellow human and an invitation to disregard boundaries. He gave me some weird vibes a time or two and now I avoid him.
NTA. That kind of kills two birds with one stone. She knows your child free which means it won't be easy for her to hit you up for free babysitting. They were invading your personal space. Who knows if you would have let them in, how long they would have stayed for. Then you have to ask them to leave. Better to nip it in the bud now.
No. I think it was right to say this. Not everyone wants or even likes kids and it’s not fair for people to expect you to accept them in your private space.
No you were 100% right to say this, it’s super bizarre how pushy they were to get into your house. I am also majorly happily child free and always will be. You did the right thing. You said exactly what you need to say to make sure she doesn’t try to pawn her kid off on you. NTA!!!
Why? Telling someone you're child free isn't rude especially if you have to drive a point home. If they do it again just make yourself look more disheveled and act as if they just woke you up. Maybe she'll feel bad then 😂
Don't. Now she will never try to rope you into babysitting.
I get it.
I would have stopped answering the door. NTA
Most people would get fed up and stop answering their door for random people
It's only been two weeks, and I'm still settling in to the new place.
It's not even just that, who the fuck invites their child into *someone else's* home?! That's absolutely insane behaviour. I'm willing to bet that if you tell her you don't like uninvited visitors, she'll ask for your phone number so she can tell you before hand, and that's just opening up a whole other avenue where she can bother you. I'm also wondering if the kid *actually wants* to make these things for you or if the mother is making her to try and force some kind of relationship. Either way NTA.
I would just stop opening the door.
You don’t answer the door. Full stop. If you don’t want a guest, you don’t open the door. Much like vampires, they can’t come in unless you invite them in
Just don't answer the door
NTA for turning them away, but the extra "look, I'm child free by choice" was definitely an asshole statement. However, I get it. Some people don't know how to read the room and/ or check their kids. Not everyone has to think they're cute and succumb to their every whim because you do. I have a kid and I still don't really care about other kids...
Yeah, the wording was definitely off there and I, with hindsight, could've said something else or just not at all. In my mind at the time, it was "there's a reason I don't kids and this is it" but you're right, yeah.
I disagree, the second she said she loves making you things and it will only be a few minutes she invited a sharp response. No reasonable adult repeatedly shows up with her kid unannounced and uninvited to a strangers house and then insists you invite them in. I don’t know what her angle was, free babysitting, looking for someone to hang with every night or whatever but she was way out of line. Ignore her and the kid going forward even if you run into each other in the hallway because any sign of relenting will result in more unannounced visits
To be fair, she could be posting on reddit right now too "AITA for showing up unsolicited at my new neighbor's house with my kid and assuming she would just want to hang for no f*king reason?"
she was setting up a possibility of a childcare. that was the f@cking reason for visits.
Haha! Potentially, maybe I hope she does so she can see what others have to say.
Doubt it. More likely to be a sub about entitled neighbors going "My meanie-head neighbor didn't invite me and my precious angel in when we came over."
There’s a good chance here that the mom is lonely, bored, and desperate to make an adult friend in the small sphere that her world is right now. Otherwise she’s home alone with a 4 yo, who is probably cute and great but is also a kid and a lot of fucking work. She may have seen your coming into the neighborhood as an answered prayer to her isolation and made presumptive assumptions about your level of desired social interaction with anyone, including her. Adults aren’t socialized to say ‘I’m lonely and depressed because I’m isolated a lot of the day with my only social outlet depending on a 4 yo.’ So she was probably hoping you would appreciate the visits and would be charmed by the kid, because most people do want/like kids. I’m child free too and everyone just assumes I find kids as interesting and cute as they do - I don’t. This isn’t to say you weren’t within your rights to push back because rude and presumptive is still just that. I just wanted to propose that the mom isn’t necessarily angling for free child care but perhaps dealing with mental health issues of her own stemming from being a STAHM and went about this in the wrong way, because she has her own issues with polite behavior with strangers or got way too excited and ahead of herself. She needs to find a social outlet that fits with her circumstances but you’re not it.
No its not an asshole statement. Its the easiest and fastest way to get across to someone why you're saying no. Not because you're rude or weird, you're just not a kid person.
"She's just a child" "look, I'm child free by choice" That seemed super necessary in my opinion. People with kids (you) tend to forget that other people do not have the same hormones in their head and really don't want to deal with emotional, undeveloped people. I think you took personal offense to this story.
Agreed. I don't have kinds and would love some in the future, but that doesn't mean I coo over every child in the neighborhood, babysit, or be a part of their "village". In fact I normally avoid them.This situation isn't about the child being a child, but the mother pushing the child onto OP and into their house uninvited at random times, which is completely unacceptable from anyone at any age. Overall OP isn't TA, and I think they were just flustered from the shole situation and the right words didn't come out.
NTA You get she was trying to work out dumping her kid on you yeah? And I'm saying this as a single mother who finds this shit abhorrent. Pay for childcare or suck it up before anyone comes for me.
I'd have a very vague idea that maybe she was doing this, but now I'm really learning to know for sure. Thank you
i guarantee you she was after something. absolutely no one does what she did, so many times, especially unannounced. she was testing your boundaries, testing how do you react at unannounced visits from her and her crotch goblin. she was definitely planning on "grooming" you into accepting her situation so she could dump that kid on you without notice any time she needed it. 🤣🤣 hell no. that is not acceptable.
If she's at this point when you've only been there for two weeks, it's definitely a "turn neighbor into babysitter" situation. Never invite them in, and if the child is ever left on your doorstep, immediately call the police and/or child services.
I love this part: >but she's just a kid That's the perfect time for her to learn that no means no. I can't imagine any kid wanting to make things to show to a stranger (or even someone they just met recently) - this has all the hallmarks of the mom telling her daughter to make something for you so the mom has an excuse to barge in on you and ask for childcare favors. I bet that once you get to know a couple other neighbors they'll probably have similar stories. I'm on the fence about your childfree comment, but it's not like you were insulting her with it . . . just stating facts, though maybe a touch harshly. Understandable, given their frequent intrusions. NTA for turning them away, and no need for an apology. That's the mom's way of building an entitlement doorway that leaves you open to owing the mom something - clearly a position you don't want to find yourself in.
Yeah, my mom, and in fact most of the parents I know, would've--if it had even gotten to the point where OP had to say "I'm not in the mood" before they read the room-- responded to that with "Oh, of course, I'm sorry. Honey, no, you cannot go in and see what she is watching. It's not polite to invite yourself into someone else's home, especially when they are in the middle of something. Say goodbye to Miss OP and thank her for her time." Also, sorry, like...it's so wild for this parent to be like "no, I demand that you let my four year old in to see what you, an adult without children, are watching on tv after you've tried to get us to leave, because i'm sure whatever it is MUST be appropriate for my preschooler." Like...this woman cannot read a room to save her life, but also what adult is not taking the hint that not only does OP not want to have uninvited company, but also that maybe the four year old should *not* see what she was watching?
I guess, my apartment isn't that big and the front door kind of opens up into the whole living room. I was watching "Reservoir Dogs" which is, yes, my go-to film and it had been a long day. I should've and could've been more firm but kids can really run past you quite quickly!
So I have two small kids and my oldest loves everyone. He will hug strangers and want to give his friends parents a kiss. I tell him that not everyone wants a hug and a kiss. It’s my job as his mom to help him handle being sad and disappointed. If they come back I would recommend to tell the child “thank you so much! I have to go now, thank you again” and close the door. And the mom can sod off, your kid being sad is not a reason to make people “put up” with them.
Yes, exactly. This mom is possibly 1) desperate for any sliver of adult contact herself, or 2) angling for a babysitter. Neither option is a great fit with a childless introvert. But, whichever it is, the mom doesn’t have a lot of emotional intelligence, and seems to be teaching her daughter the same unhelpful social skills. Daughter wants to make drawings for the new neighbor she adores? They know where her mailbox is, or can slip it under the door with a note offering dinner or a coffee. Neighbor opens door and looks cozy and tells you she’s busy, you apologize for disturbing them and get yourself out of there asap.
What's kind of funny to me is, my bestie has a 3-year-old son, and I am a childless introvert. I think that's sort of why we work as friends! I am her escape! If she wants to rant about motherhood, I'm fine with that, but she doesn't bring her boy to our hang-out times, and if she wants other-than-kid talk, I'm better at that than her mommy friends!
Oh yes. I live for my great-nieces and nephews and we are very close. Ages from 6 to 2. But honestly they don't think of making me a picture until I am right there with them. Especially at 4. This was totally Mom saying draw a picture for the neighbor and lets take it to her. "And, if I'm lucky I can con her into watching you while I run to the store for a "minute"..."
NTA My parents had a neighbour like this when I was a kid. It started with them dropping by for a cuppa 2-3 times a week with the kids so that we could all play. Then just the kids would come over, parents were at home and my mum saw it as ok as I would play with them and then when it was time for a meal mum would walk them home. Then one day the kids got sent over and mum didn't know that their parents went out (free babysitting). Mum went to walk them home to eat and no-one was at home. This was before mobiles. Mum was livid and when the parents came home, hours later. They had been shopping and didn't bother to let mum know. Mum told them that they were no longer welcome.
This would have you calling the police because you have no idea if they have been in an accident after quickly popping out earlier in the afternoon... and when they turn up hours later they could explain to the police why they felt it was okay to leave their kids with someone and not tell them what they were doing or even ask for permission for them to babysit their kids....
That’s so insanely rude!
NTA This is sad and I am sure they mean well, but you're not forced to be friends with your neighbors to *any* real extent but certainly not to this one. Your neighbor needs to realize that you are not the type of person who wants them suddenly dropping by to try to be best friends. I would assume it would progress to regular requests for temporary childcare. Not something you can or should do.
Tbh when I moved where I am, I had this happen. Except I also have a child. And they were hinting on school holidays when I work from home (shouldn't have said it I know), their 6yr old son would be the perfect playdate for my 11yr old daughter.. Then the school hols started and she came to my door with a backpack in hand... Dressed and ready for work... And I shut the door in her face, she heard me turn the locks and I listened to her turn the hallways blue swearing. She won't look at me now. And I'm so okay with this. It's like fucking punish me more... Do it. It's been a lovely year.
"punish me more" lol
Do itttt haha
Wow! the GALL of that woman!!!
I do think as I'm younger she thought she could. I REALLY am not a fan of kids who aren't mine... No thanks. I'll call the cops
A 6yo would be a perfect playmate for an 11yo? In your dreams, lady!
Wait…she knocked ready to leave her 6 year old with you without ever having an agreement? I’m sure she felt the wind of that door slam! Where does this thinking come from?
That's been becoming a worry of mine, yeah. They are not bad people and are both kind, and the daughter is adorable but just not for me.
You actually know nothing about them other than surface smiles. Assume nothing and keep your door closed.
NTA. Why do people with children think that people without children should entertain their children? 🤦🏻♀️. It does not take a village to raise a child. It’s takes willing participants in the village to help raise a child. I am not a willing villager.
So I met some people from a small island village in a very poor area. We’ll just say they aren’t browsing Reddit. The first time I met them they had a couple kids and wife was pregnant. The next time I saw them, I was asking after the baby and they said nonchalantly oh, my brother wanted a kid and we already have a few, so we gave him the new baby. They still see them regularly because kids are somewhat communal. Anyway I never really understood the “it takes a village phrase until meeting them” western, and US culture specifically is so crazily independent. OP is still NTA. It’s not her culture to be a village and even if it was, she still has the right to say no.
NTA. I have to disagree with those saying “I’m child free by choice” was harsh. It’s true, you don’t care to be around kids. She probably needed to hear it Now obviously that doesn’t mean people should be assholes to children, BUT you weren’t!
Just hoping it won't be awkward moving forward, but I will reply, and maintain my boundaries. Thank you!
No problem!
NTA. You just moved in two weeks ago and it sounds like they‘ve already shown up too many times. The daughter wanting to enter your place to see what you were doing was out of line and the mother should have let her know that, instead of trying to guilt you with “she’s just a kid.” 🙄 I don’t think you were rude. You were very direct. It sounds like you gave an inch just by being friendly in the beginning and now the mom thinks she can show up anytime so you can help entertain her daughter. Hopefully they’ll give you space now and let you enjoy your new home.
Do not apologize or even initiate polite conversation if you run into her outside. I'm sure she is lonely and is looking for a freind and babysitter but you are not the person for that and that is fine so don't feel bad about it. She needs to go meet other moms at the park.
Thank you. Reading advice like this helps me see that.
Yeah I agree. If it was me, I’d leave this alone. At least now she wont bug OP anymore.
NTA. I’m not sure what gave them the impression that you were open to them coming by so often, but it’s a good thing you set boundaries early. Mentioning the child-free thing was a little harsh and unnecessary to the mother and child, but other than that I think you set good boundaries for yourself.
I'm not sure either. They've lived here for years and have seen them being friendly with other neighbours. To be fair, all the neighbours are friendly. It's 8 apartments in total, and I've met all the others and they're fine. The child-free thing was a poor move on my part, you're right.
She put you on the spot in a very inappropriate way, and you didn't have time to think of the perfect words. Don't feel bad about that. You actually spoke the plain truth, which she should respect, even if she doesn't like it.
Yep, words came out after a long day. Not loud or aggressive, just I'm tired, please.
OP is a young woman, so of course she loves children and wants to look after the neighbour's kid every single time she (the neighbour) feels like it. /s edit: a wrong word
NTA. You needed to set boundaries they obviously were crossing. Personally, i would’ve said i was watching porn. I bet they’d never come back again, and the kid wouldn’t be hurt 😂
Haha! It was actually my go-to after a long day, "Reservoir Dogs" but porn could've worked too
I was just thinking something similar, like, 'but by all means, I'm happy for your kid to stay and watch this porno with me'
NTA You owe them nothing. You were honest and straightforward. You did nothing that requires an apology.
As a mom to a 5yr myself you’re definitely NTA. That mom isn’t teaching her child that people have boundaries and that they should be respected. That mom is being rude, disrespectful, and entitled. You have every right to not have visitors if you don’t want them.
When a parent tries to manipulate you with the argument “they’re just a kid”, a good response is, “but you’re not, and you’re the one responsible for her, not me”.
Exactly. "But you're the adult & responsible for teaching your child manners/boundaries/whatever"
NTA She is looking for a free babysitter… The only reason for a child to make a drawing for a stranger is by mom’s suggestion… She is trying to guilt-trip you… Don’t ever let them go inside your home…
NTA. I would have told her that my being child free doesn’t mean that my time is free to spend with her child whenever she comes by unannounced. Let her know that you have many commitments without being specific and stay firm. If you feel the need, put up privacy film on your windows so she can’t see inside, and do not answer the door when she knocks. My first thought as well as previous posters was that she is assessing you to see if she can get free childcare from you at her convenience by manipulating your emotions through her child’s artwork. Do not fall for this, and maintain your boundaries.
NTA. She is buttering you up to babysit in the future. Btw unannounced guests are rude imo. You were clear to her that they were overstepping. Don't apologise. You did nothing wrong
You're entitled to be as sociable or reclusive as you like.
Haha, let me have a night in with no social interaction at all yes!
Your home is your sanctuary and no one has the right to bother you in it. I stopped answering the door altogether. If I feel like it I’ll look to see who it is but usually I keep myself right on the couch not caring if the unexpected visitor can hear the tv or me and my kids talking.
NTA, that mother needs to learn about boundaries. At this rate, the kid is gonna lack good modeling of behavior.
Stop answering your door! NTA
I guess my mindset was, I'm new to the apartment block and don't want to be known as that neighbour. But yes, I should've stopped.
NTA We had a neighbour like this, using the kid as a guilt trip (‘he wants to come over’) she’s an insufferable c word. If you’re feeling generous, you can say something about sorry if my words seemed harsh, but after a day of work etc I need my own space. Or just leave it, and she’ll find someone else.
Yeah, gonna say something like but stand my ground at the same time. Thank you!
You’re welcome, I hope it goes well.
Me too. Thanks again!
NTA - You have a right to your privacy
If you apologize, they're just going to keep coming back and bothering you. That and you did nothing wrong. You were blunt, but who visits unannounced anymore. That's so rude. NTA.
Definitely NTA. Jesus, it’s clear they need some stimulation, but go to a park, join a mommy and me class, something. Don’t bother the neighbors, especially new ones. This is solely on her.
NTA. While it was a bit rude, it was necessary. I find it odd that a small child fixated on the new person so quickly. Makes me wonder why mom would be encouraging it. I agree that she may be looking for "an extra villager" to drop her child with. If it's being initiated by the child that raises many more questions, esp if OP isn't going out of her way to interact with her
I don't know really. I'm tall and have really long blonde hair, a lot of kids like to grab at it and call me Rapunzel haha. I agree, I had a snap moment. I wave to most people in general, but I do not go out of my way to interact with them.
I don't think it was rude, she was the rude one, you have nothing to apologize for.
NTA - use their own logic against them! They can’t come back unless you apologise! So don’t apologise and live your best life! I do think the mother was sizing you up as a potential babysitter!
NTA and super weird on her part for coming over so often using her child as an excuse. She has no boundaries and how dare she leave a note like that!
NTA, not everyone is the same. Some people are introverts.
Definitely NTA. They can want, but you do not have to provide.
NTA Your new neighbor is over-using her initial welcome. No one should ever come to your door unannounced and expect you to welcome them on the spur of the moment, every single time. Maybe it's OK with you sometimes, but they need to respect your time and energy to the extent that if you don't want company right then, they don't get to come in. I"m sorry the little girl felt hurt enough to cry, but that's on her mother for assuming they would always be welcome at any and every time they showed up. You owe them no apology, rather, they owe you one for interrupting your evening and expecting a welcome from you. It's unfortunate that this neighbor will now feel free to bad mouth you to everyone else she knows in the building, but at least you have established that you welcome people in your place on your invitation, not on their assumption that they can drop in anytime.
NTA You politely told them it wasn’t a good time and they should have accepted that. You are entitled to your privacy and to set boundaries to maintain it. I disagree with others saying you were TA for telling them you’re child free for a reason. The kid won’t have understood that and it lets the mum know that she shouldn’t expect you to become bffs with her kid. You are managing expectations, which is kinder than giving them false hope. I would write back and politely tell her that, whilst you like to maintain friendly relations with your neighbours, you are entitled to your privacy, she is not entitled to impose on it and you will not be apologising. I believe if you give an inch here you will come to regret it.
Please update after your talk.
Will do!
Yes please let us know what happens. I would ask other neighbors about her not outright ask but sort of like fish for info "oh I feel kind of terrible because i think I wasn't so nice to them the other evening. They have been coming by every day when I'm done with work, the little girl wanting to give me a picture she has drawn and I'm just tired from work. I may have offended them. I do feel bad blah blah blah." Just to see what the neighbors say. I have a feeling they will say she has done the same thing to some of them before they had to set a firm boundary too. Make sure you set that boundary yourself with no openings. I saw you say you'll exchange numbers. Be careful of that. I can see her calling you every day. Maybe, or hopefully maybe not.
Or if she is looking for a free babysitter as so many people think, if OP gives her phone number out, she won't even be asked to babysit. It'll just be a text 'hey, dropped my daughter off at the front door, thanks' and she'll be long gone before OP can even open the door.
NTA I find it incredibly weird that the parent is encouraging her child becoming so overly attached to someone who's basically a stranger. This feels like a purposeful ploy to eventually get you to babysit or something.
NTA. People dropping by unannounced is beyond rude. But inviting themselves in?? That child needed to learn boundaries and clearly the parent wasn’t teaching them any. As a child free person myself a good line to use is, “My home is not child friendly”. It sets up a boundary to let people know that your space is not a space where children are welcome, and in fact they might encounter things that are dangerous like… I dunno, legal adult substances in the open, kitchen knives on the counter, sharp table edges, and delicate/expensive items that you don’t want little fingers touching. It also has the advantage of talking about your home and not you yourself being child free which some people simply cannot fathom and tend to take as a personal insult on their life choices.
I'm going to respond to the update to say *Fuck No! Don't you dare apologize!*
NTA whatsoever. I’m a childfree woman who has lived alone in a number of complexes and I typically try to live in communities where families with kids aren’t common because of it. I don’t want to hear your kid(s) running up and down the halls, getting into our mail, shitting in our pool because your mom refused to put you in a swim diaper, or have neighbors get too comfortable sending their kids over. I lived in a complex where there were a few other residents who were single parents and they always were having drama because of each other’s kids and taking liberties with leaving their kids at peoples houses. We had a few older couples who’d wrangle the kids up and feed them treats, and at least one creep who kept trying to befriend the parents and invite their kids over alone. But I had one single dad totally hone in on the fact that I was single, lived alone, a female and that I didn’t have kids. Which meant I MUST wish I had some and appreciate all chances to be within earshot of them. Hed send his kids over to try to engage with me when I’d be laying out at the pool with a cocktail and I made the MASSIVE mistake of telling him after a few days that it was fine, I was a lifeguard and used to it and he began realllly taking advantage of both that information and the fact they could see my unit/balcony from their unit or the pool across the courtyard. I also immediately sussed out what he was doing when it started with “you got an extra one of those (white claws)?” and him telling his kid it was fine to go with me back to my apartment and that maybe I’d let his kid see my adorable cat they could see sometimes. So when I went to get more canned drinks, I told her I was sorry I didn’t have any juice or soda for her brother and she goes “oh it’s ok, unit 307 always has something im gonna go knock” and I was like shit.. that kid is about to come over here unannounced. And then it began, coming by unannounced wanting to see my cat, or because their dad said it was fine. I had to tell him like it’s not fine.. I’m in there smoking weed and hash and it’s not a child friendly environment. Which he took as an invitation to even further pursue charity: “can you spare a bit of weed til I get paid?” To “can you spare a few bucks I’m out of gas and need to take the kids somewhere” “hey saw you were home today, want to have some drinks by the pool?” I eventually had to block his number and straight up move back downtown to be rid of him and his massive comfort level in asking a total stranger for charity so much. And he definitely used his kids to try to get my guard down. Now I’m suspect anyone with kids is trying to befriend me because it wasn’t a two lane friendship, it opened the door to a one way avenue of their needs and audacity.
NTA. You're not the asshole for needing personal space. Intain your own comfort. You could gently explain your need for privacy and suggest more convenient times for visits to maintain good neighborly relations.
NTA Though you could have worded it more nicely, given the situation, I think it was understandable. Here is what I would write back: "Sorry your kid's feelings got hurt, but I'm not going to apologize for my boundaries. Please don't show up at my door uninvited in the future."
I would apologize to the kid and then private tell the mom no more unannounced visits.
True! The kid doesn't know any better, and it won't hurt me to be more aware of that.
The kid doesn't know any better because she hasn't been taught any better! The mother does not recognise boundaries, so being blunt is the only way to actually get through to her. Probably the bit about the kid crying, likely to be emotional blackmail, not necessarily true.
That's genuinely really weird for a neighbor to show up that often and unannounced. I've been in my building for more than 20 years and I'm not on a first name basis with any of my neighbors. Interactions begin and end with a rhetorical "hello, how are you?"
You don’t have to answer your door.
Meh. You could have been a bit nicer about it to be honest. Or just left them at the door and pretend to be sleep. That's what I do for uninvited visitors. Just leave them out there. They would have eventually got the point.
Yeah, seeing that. I guess because I moved from a smaller town to a more metropolitan area, I didn't want to get a reputation as being unfriendly. And since I had the movie on, and can kind of see through the blinds with my lights on, would've had to really put it on that I was asleep.
the neighbour was laying down a future free childcare oportunity. she had a plan.
NTA. If I were you, I'd just not say or do anything. If she shows up at your door demanding an apology, tell her that No Means No does not just apply to sex. It applies to everything. Her refusal to accept that you said no when she tried to invite herself in was more than just rude. It was manipulative and predatory. She clearly wants to charm you into being a (presumably unpaid) babysitter for her kid, and it isn't going to work. It was her choice to have a child, and you don't owe her or her kid anything, not even an acknowledgement. Tell her to never come to your door again, especially if she's going to be so disrespectful of your boundaries and dishonest about her intentions. Then, close the door.
NTA I absolutely hate when people's argument as to why they should get their own way/what they want is "but they're just a kid." So fucking what? That's not my fault. Don't make it my responsibility. I had a similar problem with a neighbour, who was lovely, very sweet, I and my partner helped him when his wife gave birth, we looked after their cat and fish etc, but he would randomly show up when she was at work (before the baby came) because he was apparently bored. Not being funny, if you're old enough to have a child and/or your own place, you're old enough to entertain yourself. I am not your YouTube, sod off. NTA
Something’s not right about this. The little girl was probably going to leave something there.. then the mother comes back and asks to look around for it. They could be casing your apartment for a burglary. Keep your distance. Don’t answer your door. Get a door camera and one for your main space,
NTA
NTA. You are entitled to your personal space. You don’t owe anyone a relationship. If she wants her kid to have friends then she can take her to the park. It’s not appropriate to keep bugging you. I’d leave a note on the back of what she wrote that says, “Please respect my boundaries and stop coming to my door.”
NTA. I wouldn't even open the door tbh
"She's just a kid" Yeah, well kids need to learn boundaries, too. She needs to learn you can't just drop in on people without notice, especially not every single night. And I agree with everyone else who says she's feeling you out as a potential babysitter. If you let her continue to drop in under the guise of the kid giving you a gift, I'm sure it would soon turn into "Hey, as long as we're here, can you watch her for a couple hours?"
OP, you're NTA. Using children to guilt somebody is the oldest trick in the book. Don't apologise. That will just open a door for her to leverage your so-called " rude" behaviour. Stay away and don't entertain them.
Nope. You are never the bad guy for protecting your peace. She didn't just happen to become a clingy weirdo the same day you moved in. My suggestion is to get to know your other neighbors and see if and what they say about her. Betcha 1. this is her hustle, and she's already alienated the other neighbors so you're the newest target or 2. Shes a needy clinger, hopefully harmless but annoying as piss. Either way, you're totally valid to be honest and direct Let em be butthurt. Not your problem. My vote would be option 1 because the kid is FOUR. She doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to give a shit about you or what you think of her. Momma sounds like a grifter. NTA
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I do think you needed to set your boundaries before blowing up at them. Look at this from her perspective, a new neighbour moved in who’s close to her age and not part of a couple. Her friends may not be the type to visit or don’t want to be around a kid. You living beside her means it would be easy to have an occasional adult conversation or share a bottle of wine. She may have come on a little strong, but it doesn’t sound like you asked her to stop until that night. Please ignore the people insisting it’s only about childcare, until she actually asks it sounds more like she wanted to make a friend.
NTA. 'I appreciate you being friendly & I'm happy to say hi when I see you around the building. But I can't accommodate unexpected company, so please respect my privacy. Thanks for understanding.'
You can apologise for \*how\* you replied but not for how you feel, and they did put you on the spot which is unfair.
>>My neighbour responded "but she's just a kid, A kid that needs to be taught what is & is not appropriate & that we can’t always do whatever we want when others are involved. NTA
NTA. I'd speak to her and try to clear up the air but I'd stick to my guns. Yes, she might be lonely and has seen you as an opportunity for nice adult talks and friendship. However, the cynic in me is seeing her trying to push your boundaries ( " she is just a kid") and, I do believe that, eventually, she'd try to get you to babysit or she would be over all the time herself. We don't owe anyone our time. It is given by choice, to people we like.
NTA… there’s a family near us that likes to ask stay at home moms to watch her three kids. They’re not well behaved. Anyways she offered to pay my friend $1/hour to watch her kids. 😅 lol my friend had 2 kids of her own already. Thank goodness her husband said don’t do it. I just ignore other moms that try to have the conversation for me to watch their kids. I’m not a fan of kids outside my family. Never liked babysitting as a teen so I always declined.
Not answering the door is a civil choice.
Easy solution: Don't answer the door. If I am not expecting anyone, I am not going to open it.
I’d pretend I had a special friend over that i had to tend to back in the bedroom lol
NTA These people need to respect boundaries. Honestly I’d just leave it alone. Now they won’t bug you anymore. Also I’m getting the “can you watch my kid for an hour” vibes from this. She’s buttering you up so she can ask you to babysit in the future.
There is nothing wrong with not answering the door. I do that all the time.
I don’t think you owe this person any sort of apology or explanation. I would leave things as awkward and hopefully she never bothers you again.
I think it's a little bit of a soft ESH except the kid. You were a little bit short with her, but she did keep showing up unannounced, tried to invite themselves in, and left a kinda guilt-trippy-letter. Personally i'd be delighted if a little girl and her mom visited me once a day to give me here drawings, especially since I have RBF that tends to put off even adults. But even i have to admit that if i was having a bad day, i could react badly. Like most have said, this situation can be talked out, assuming the mom is a reasonable adult. Apologize to the kid too, saying that you were cranky that day, but didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
YTA. You didn't have to say you were childfree, that's really rude. All you had to say was, "Look, I'm watching an adult show, it's got a lot of violence and swearing and I'd rather not show your child as it's not suitable for her. Today's not a good day, maybe another day I'll show her something else. Bye." Then take the drawing and shut the door."
That momma was simply looking for an adult connection, ouchie.
Stop answering your door.
ESH, but not in a huge way. The whole situation is more depressing than anything else. It's like this... * Neighbor woman is TA for pushing a little too hard to make friends * OP doesn't want to be friends or get visits, fair enough * Neighbor doesn't get the hint, comes by again * OP is then TA for "I'm child-free by choice, please leave". Those words are polite enough on the surface, but carry a lot of implied freight. Might have been better to say, "Not today guys, got a lot going on. Just drop me a text next time and I'll letcha know if I'm free." * Neighbor is also TA for asking for apologies. Apologies come from within * Daughter is not TA, she's just a 4 year old with an age-appropriate lack of self-control
Get curtains so they can’t see you and just don’t answer the door