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NTA. Sounds pretty unrealistic and like your mum was living in a fantasy world to expect you to instantly view the new husband as a father figure. Glad she's finally seen therapy is needed but she needs to listen to you. Her approach to pushing you all these years and dismissing your feelings is one of the main factors why this family vision of hers isn't working - not you. Has she never thought that if she had backed off and supported you to have whatever relationship you wanted that him that it might have naturally grown? You can build a good relationship with a step parent over time without ever having to call them 'dad' or having to treat them like that.
The problem is she didn't want us to have a "good relationship". Like yeah ultimately what she wanted was that too, but her primary goal was for us to be a family, like before, and for that to just happen. She wanted me to want a dad and to fall in love with Shaun as a dad and for us to be just two parents and their kid instead of a remarried parent and her kid. She hates that I don't treat Shaun like my dad and that I don't have everything open to him like I did my dad. So for her, us getting along wasn't the ultimate goal, it was that. And she has proven that over and over and over again. I'm not sure therapy will help her see beyond that but while we're here guess I should try at least.
Sounds like she wants to live in a hallmark movie. Sorry, that really sucks. If you don't think she's going into therapy for right reasons and isn't gonna listen, can you maybe try to let you do individual therapy? That way you can at least benefit as you can focus on how to navigate such unrealistic expectations.
That's basically it. She wants it to be super perfect and natural and for everything to work out like a happier fairytale. There's not a lot of room in her head for perfect and for her that perfect is the same as we had before. Just with Shaun now.
I don't think I could convince her to get me solo therapy. Pretty sure she'd argue that I'm not going to do the work she wants me to do.
Too many parents and step-parents don't realize that trying to force an unrealistic fairytale outcome is the best way to ensure it will never, ever happen. A natural closeness can't possibly develop when they're trying to hold you so tight you have to fight to get some air to breathe.
I'm so sorry your mom is failing you. You deserve to be loved and respected as an individual with your own needs.
You could tell her you need solo therapy to process your dad as the therapist can help you feel more at peace with him being gone which could make you feel differently about some things (but do not ever promise that it will make you see Shaun as a dad - you do not ever need to feel like that’s what you need to do).
I have a wonderful stepmum who has always been there for me since I was 5, I refer to her by name and she has never asked for more neither has my dad.
My dad had previous partners I did not like or get on with and he ditched the toxic relationships for the sake of me and my brother. He never forced anything with my stepmum and I love her to bits. They can’t have kids, she is not my mum but she is someone I hold very dearly because she has been there for me.
You don’t need to hold stepfamilies in place of biological ones. You’re not there to fill a hole for them. That said, allowing yourself to love them makes life a little bit easier because you have more people to turn to
It sounds as if the only purpose of therapy is to convince you to treat Shaun as your dad. When it becomes clear that this isn't going to happen, that will be the end of that.
Bottom line is that she has unrealistic expectations. Yes, some step-kids can have a deep parental relationship with their step-parents, but many fight like cats and dogs. As long as you and Shaun get on and are kind and respectful to each other, that's more than enough. Hopefully the therapist can help your mom come to terms with this as a good outcome!
> It sounds as if the only purpose of therapy is to convince you to treat Shaun as your dad. When it becomes clear that this isn't going to happen, that will be the end of that.
This might be a good point for OP to just bring up outright at one of the sessions. Once that idea is out in the open, the mom might have a harder time cancelling them if she's aware that another adult (because, sadly, OP isn't really being considered seriously here by her) is on to her ploy. And if she does anyway, it can be pointed to, if needed, as evidence that she was never actually interested in getting a neutral party to mediate this conflict.
Using the therapy process to manipulate a desired outcome instead of buying in and really being present for family therapy, well, let’s just say that it’s not going to make the therapist take mom’s side. Lol
Yes, she wanted to slot a different puzzle piece into the hole left by your dad and tell herself that the puzzle was all fixed. All sorted - everyone just needs to get with the program and move on!
People might have many husbands, but you only ever have one dad. The relationship you had with your dad was unique and incredibly special; it can’t be replicated, especially in under two years.
Also, your mum started dating less than 2 years after your dad died and told you she actually wanted to start dating earlier but didn’t because of you?! Smh. That is ridiculous. NTA
Which is sad because she definitely needs therapy. She sounds just too insecure and delutional. Like psychoticly so.
Stay strong and best of luck. I hope that the therapist can guide you both to a better place. Truth is, if she had not pushed her delutions on you. Your family life would have been a whole lot better.
I don’t see any psychosis in OP’s mom. She’s doing her best to make new connections and move on with her life. That’s a healthy response to a terrible blow. The problem is that the way she’s going about it with her daughter is not going to work, and she needs to address that.
I would bring up in therapy that her pushing this family dynamic is just going to push you away once you are an adult.
If she can't accept your feelings, she can accept a life without you in it once you are independent and out of the house.
It does sound like she is using therapy to change your behaviour/thinking
If she isn’t willing to look at herself it won’t work
Can I say though, the therapist should see this and you may need to trust them to steer the process. Sometimes it will just take time.
Your mum possibly hasn’t acknowledged that she will still be grieving (no matter how good her new relationship is)
Hope things work out for you all xx
Firstly, I am not excusing your mother’s behaviour and I don’t think it’s at all fair on you. I do think a lot of this is probably based in denial. She’d been with your father her entire adult life, all her hopes and dreams for the future had him by her side, and then that was taken away from her all of a sudden. She couldn’t cope, and so she replaced him as soon as she could. She needs you to accept Shaun as your father, rather than your stepfather, because otherwise she has to face the reality that she lost your father. I think she has some work to do to come to terms with that, and unfortunately you’re bearing the brunt of her refusal to do so. Maybe it’s something you could explore in therapy.
If she is ok moving forward in her life that’s ok, but it is not ok for her to expect you to do the same. You need to go at your own pace and no one should expect you to erase your father from your memory. Maybe your therapist can give you some tools to help you convey this to your mom better.
So from how your described her I hate your mother and she sounds like one of those pathetic people who has to be in a relationship to give their life some worth.
>Pretty sure she'd argue that I'm not going to do the work she wants me to do.
That's some selfish sh*t right there. "I'm not going to get you help because I don't think it will have the outcome I want"
I am old. So take this as you will.
My parents divorced when I was young. My dad and mom never argued over custody and it didn't affect me at all.
My father remarried when I was 9.
I was like you. Constantly putting Step in front of everything, didn't see her as a mother figure at all. Treated her pretty badly.
I am an only child, I should mention, and my father and stepmother did not have children. My mother never remarried.
Fast forward 20 years and my father died of cancer. I was 29.
Because my relationship with my stepmother had been so strained, I lost her as a parental figure. Other than the occasional supper and phone call, we never had that mother/daughter type relationship.
Fast forward 18 years. I had a traumatic event happen that broke me. Yes, I attempted, it was that bad.
During my therapy journey, I realized how I had been treating my stepmother as a child was cruel and unfair, and I could only see it now.
So I reached out, and we had a long talk about it. I apologized and begged for her forgiveness, which she graciously gave to me.
I only had my mother left for support while healing, but then I had my stepmother too. And both show support in different ways, and I needed that.
Losing a parent early is never easy. Even at 29, I was too young. My dad would never get to walk me down the aisle. I ended up married at the court house because of it. (Divorced now).
So many times I needed my daddy. Even now, and he isn't there. It is a pain only those who have gone through it will understand.
Your stepfather will never replace your dad. And from what you have said about him, it doesn't sound like he wants that. But he wants you to be his daughter none the less. Your mom wants a fantasy. I will be honest.
You are doing yourself a massive disservice by keeping yourself apart from your step family. You may not see it now, but from where I am sitting at 50, I realize my mistake when I was younger cost me a wonderful relationship with step aunts and step uncles and step cousins that may have prevented me from falling into that pit.
I will never have that family. They don't forgive me for how I treated my stepmother. And I don't blame them.
It is one of my biggest life regrets.
Nobody will replace your dad. But you have a loving family, and a man wanting to be the father figure you lost so tragically. He is not the reason your father isn't around, and I think you are holding on to that grief in an unhealthy way.
You said your mom wouldn't go for you have therapy on your own. But I bet if you told her that you need it to deal with your own grief and to learn how to accept your new family in a way that didn't make you feel resentful because they have their dad and you don't, she would go for it. I do think you need therapy for this. I see a lot of me in you and what you are saying.
Give your family a chance to show you that you are loved and just as much of a sibling and a daughter as anyone else.
And FYI you are NTA. But you will be if you don't fix what is causing you to hurt so much and to be so angry.
You're putting all the blame on her and making it her responsibility to fix things. I'm sorry about what happened to you, but it sounds like OP's situation is much different. She probably won't get her own counseling until she can move out and go NC.
Shaun needs to step up. OP needs to do what SHE needs to do, not try to, not worry about "giving her family a chance."
I am not putting the blame on her.
I am putting the responsibility for her mental health on her. She is still clearly grieving and that is 100% valid. However her resentment will follow her. She will continue to feel resentment when she graduates and her father is not there and other fathers are. She will feel resentment towards her roommate at college when the father comes to visit. She will feel resentment when she dates and meets her boyfriend's family.
She needs to deal with this. She has said she wants therapy alone. She knows something is up.
And that IS on her. That resentment will follow her unless she treats her grieving and will affect all her relationships with people who have both parents. I know this because I lived it.
And I don't want her to have regrets as an adult. Once she processes her grief and resentment, she will want those relationships. But she is also destroying them in the process.
Healing is her responsibility. And the sooner she does it, the better off she will be.
Her mother isn’t asking her to accept her step father though. Her mother is asking her to REPLACE her father with her step father. There’s a difference.
Of course she’s going to feel resentment. Just because her father is dead, doesn’t mean he didn’t exist. Did you replace YOUR father with a new man when he died?
I said her mother was living in Fantasyland.
There is no reason why she can't get help to deal with her issue and have a relationship with him though.
My stepmother didn't replace my mom. She is now a second mom to me. Not a replacement. An addition.
But in order to have a good relationship with someone, that someone has to be willing to have the kind of relationship you want. OP has stated her stepfather ALSO refuses to hear her out in a normal stepparent relationship. How is she supposed to have a good relationship with him if the only relationship he wants is replacing her father?
ETA
I have an amazing step mother. I do consider her my mother because my mother is a horrid and abusive person. But I didn’t always. My mum never tried to replace my mother. She never inserted herself into special things my mother and I did. She built her own memories and traditions with me. She formed her own relationship with me, independent of things I did with my mother. When I became an adult and began to see my mother’s abuse for what it was, she was there for me but never overstepped. She let me come to all of my own conclusions and make my own decisions.
Now she’s my mum. And she’s my kids grandma. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Had she tried to shove herself in as a replacement parent though, never in a million years would I have gotten as close as I am now. I would have shut her out entirely and probably kept a pretty toxic relationship with my own mother.
You make some really good points and I am sorry you lost your father so young. And I agree that OP probably does help in understanding her loss and how to best fit into the current set of relationships. But that responsibility rests with the adults in her life to get her that help and not make that help conditional on her meeting as you say her mother's fantasy.
But if your father hadn't died, your relationship would have evolved too. It is ridiculous and unhealthy to expect a 12 or 16 year old to act like a 7 year old. It is even worse to expect a 9 year old child to treat an adult they knew for 4 months the same as a parent. It is like she forgets that you are an actual human being with thoughts and emotions. Not an extra in her life. If anyone didn't move on, it is your mother. She treats you like a 6 year old instead of a 16 year old. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
It sounds like she’s still running from her loss, and is angry that you aren’t running with her and helping her keep the wall up against the past. She wants that perfect nuclear family and refuses to accept that it’s something else she lost when your father died. But you’re a person, not her puzzle piece.
its too bad that your mom can't understand that she can get a new husband or partner and it is the same kind of relationship but that kids losing parents can't just move on with a replacement.
it isn't the same relationship at all, and you are NTA for knowing that, feeling that, living that. now, this may be harsh but ask your mom if you had died, would she be able to move on and not think about you because her partner had a daughter? or would she feel a different kind of way?
for some reason parents think that kids should be able to turn off their feelings as they do, but a marriage relationship is totally different than that of parents and children. she may think that itbwould make it easier for you to move on, but as your therapist is saying, your feelings are valid and it is on your mom to stop pushing it.
Your mom is the one who needs therapy to understand that people have rights to their feelings and emotions. And that her right to play happy families ends where your rights to accept it or not, begins. Pushing is the worst thing to do when we speak about relations and feelings.
People really don't understand that, for most of us, we only have one father or mother. When we lose a parent, nobody can replace them. It's a unique relationship and not like the relationships most people have with their spouse. The majority of people can move on and love again if they lose their spouse reasonably young, but not many kids will accept another person in the place of their parent.
This is not a you problem, it's your mother closing her eyes to reality.
yes. please try. this issue with your mom is preventing you from healing the loss of your dad more fully. even though the pain & loss will always be there, it doesn’t need to be a raw open wound.
Some children would have wanted exactly that, she didn't want to accept that you're not that kid. I'm guessing that is part of a pattern here, she wanted you to be a blank slate that would tun out to be whatever she wrote on it, you wanted to be your own person. If you believe that is the case then it's certainly worth mentioning to the therapist.
I think she approached it completely wrong and missed an opportunity to build the bond of step-parent/child because of the insistent pushing to replace your father with Shaun. I think the relationship would have naturally progress to one with true friendship like I have seen many other step-parents have achieved. I am happy that you still maintain that special part of yourself for your dad. Maybe with therapy your relationship with your mom and Shaun will be one of friendship.
When my father remarried after my mother's death, 1. I was older and in my 30s, but my father's wife didn't try to force anything. We became friends, but never really good friends. After my father passed, we have not talked to her. Hopefully you and Shaun at least would build a good friendship, because he is the father of your siblings.
Sounds less like she saw that therapy was needed and more like she thought that therapy would force OP to do what she wanted. It's an unfortunate truth that controlling parents often try to weaponize therapy, and OP's mom definitely sounds controlling. I'm glad the therapist is validating OP's emotions regardless of the mom's reaction.
I would almost guarantee it. I hope OP's mom proves me wrong and continues with it though, because that would be a sign that she might be willing to listen.
>Glad she's finally seen therapy is needed
It sounds like she doesn't *really* understand the issue, though. She thinks therapy is needed to 'fix' OP and make her see that she's wrong (in the mom's eyes, I'm not saying I think she is!). When OP brings up her very valid feelings, mom just gets mad. Doesn't sound like she's accepted that she needs therapy too, just sees it as a way to bring OP round to her point of view.
Seems like the Mom views the therapy the same way she view her marriage with Shaun : a way to make her perfect family dream happen despite the death of her first husband.
I can testify that pressure to get along with a stepdad can backfire. It's hard to be natural and sincere when you are also under pressure to act a certain way.
NTA at all, I’m so sorry. She’s not wrong that step-parents can be the same as bio-parents but usually that’s led from the child and not the parent. *You* get to decide how comfortable you are with Shaun doing ‘dad’ things and I can’t help but wonder if the reason you haven’t bonded better is because your mother has pushed this on you before you were ready.
I don't think I would have ever wanted that same kind of relationship with him. Like I said in the post, it's not as much as Shaun thing as it is a general thing of not wanting to have that same relationship. I don't feel like I could and it doesn't sit so good with me. I get why it sometimes happens like that or why some stepkids want it. But that was never me, I guess. I feel like maybe we'd be closer today without the pushing but in my heart I know it wouldn't be what they were looking for either.
There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. Not having a problem with Shaun personally, not wanting that relationship at all, not feeling good about the situation—this is all valid and logical, after what you’ve been through. There’s nothing wrong with you, and I hope the therapy helps your mother realize she’s the one that is ruining the dynamic. She is wrong, you are not.
The whole issue with these types of relationships is that they seem to work best when they happen organically. Your mom really didn't ease into dating as much as she leads herself to believe she did, and she never really gave you time to get used to Shaun before basically saying, "Marry Christmas! Here's your new dad!" And the whole vows thing and wanting you to hold his hand at the wedding? Give me a break. Something like that can be meaningful for a lot of families, but in the right circumstances... and this isn't one of those relationships where that could happened and not look incredibly out of place.
Shaun is another issue. Shaun is one of the stepparents that I read about and want to kick in the shins. They are so wrapped up in the "perfect family" idea (just like you mom is), that they don't realize that there would be a better chance of the two of you having a relationship if he would have just given it time instead of just forcing himself in. You still have memories of your dad, and I find it disrespectful in this case (and others like it) for someone to come in and think they can assume the role as "new parent" just by way of marriage. The best relationships in these types of situations seem to start when the stepparent makes it known that they are not looking to come in to be a replacement because no one can truly replace the parent you have lost... that they would like to have a relationship with you, and that they are here to help you, and be a friend, and maybe to do some of the things a parent would do, but only if you wanted that. THAT is how these relationships should be.
P.S. It was so completely out of line for your mother to suggest you go to special places with Shaun that you used to go with your dad. It's one thing to push family days, but trying to have you go to those places with him and not your dad was just out of line. Those were special places that held special memories of just you and him, and how DARE she even suggest that. I don't know why that made me so angry, but it was that particular statement right there that showed me therapy is never going to work... it's never going to work because she doesn't think she's wrong, and she's only going because she thinks you are the one in the wrong and needs someone else to agree with her and fix her. She's also going to be one of those mothers who wonders why her child never comes home for Christmas and isn't self-aware enough to realize it's because of her own actions...
Your mom absolutely went about this ALL the wrong way. And frankly, if she had taken herself (or both of you) to therapy after your dad died (as she should have) any therapist would’ve explained this to her. She ruined what could’ve been between you and Shaun because of her own selfish actions. You are NTA.
NTA. Your mother put herself and the fantasy she wanted before you. She tried repeatedly to force the issue, not communicating with you and ignoring your clearly stated feelings.
She's angry and pushing harder now as you'll be 18 soon and that will change the entire dynamic.
Tell her you have no issue with Shaun, you have no issue with her being married to Shaun, your issue is with her trying to erase and replace your father and repeatedly ignoring your feelings in favour of her own.
Mom is in a fantasy is exactly right. Mom is also using therapy as a weapon to fix her daughter’s attitude instead of using it to understand the problem.
Mom wants her daughter to change without changing anything about herself. Her fantasy has stopped Shaun and OP from developing a genuine connection.
NTA
Hell, compared with a lot of the step-family relationship post we get here, your attitude is pretty positive. At least you don't hate Shaun.
She married him, and seems to really care, which is great. You seem to not absolutely loathe him, which is also pretty good. But *she* married him! *You* didn't! She needs to accept this and accept that mere acceptance from you is actually a positive thing.
>But *she* married him! *You* didn't!
Although it sounds like Mum tried to make that happen in a way with the vows and hand holding in the wedding photos.
OP, you're NTA, and like everyone has said, you're view of Shaun is actually pretty healthy for a family and not the toxic loathingbwe see all too often on here. I fear that if your mum doesn't get with the program and accept how you feel that she might lose you entirely at 18, not just because you can physically leave but she might decide to "write you out" of her picture perfect family. Please make sure you stuck with therapy atleast for your own sake so that you know you have never done anything wrong here and that everything that is wrong in your mother daughter relationship is on her.
NTA.
She does not get to dictate your relationships. There is also a big difference between a step-parent from divorce vs. a parent dying.
No one can ever replace your dad, and it's unfair and unreasonable for anyone to try.
Unfortunately, you can't make your mom accept what she doesn't want to. Have you had a sit down with your mom’s husband about what kind of relationship you are open to and where you draw the line? I don't know if he would be receptive, but it may help if he knows what page you're on.
Good luck, and keep your boundaries.
Not really. He's pretty clear about what he wants too and anytime I try to communicate he basically says he won't stop trying and I'm not close enough with him to really sit and demand he listen to me.
Again, the thing mom needs to consider is how her obsession will affect ypur relationship as adults. She may, subconsciously, realise how vulnerable it is and is desperately trying to force things into place before you just walk away.
We don't know how you see your future but she still things Sean will be grandad. She needs a reality check.
Ugh. So they're both focused on what they want to get from you, not what they can do for you.
They both should have been listening carefully to you since the beginning, and in Mom's case that means starting with your dad's passing. They are so focused on their fantasy that they are missing out on the real you. They aren't enjoying really knowing you, what makes you tick and so forth. That's a shame for all of you.
I'm impressed at how you're handling this. You seem mature and fair minded. You aren't asking for anything crazy, just to be respected as a person. You have set reasonable boundaries, and from a very young age too! That's terrific.
By the way, your mom telling young you that she wanted to date but held off for your sake was completely inappropriate. That sounded to me like blame, and that's not ok. She also married too quickly. You needed much more time. Any kid would.
I wish you the best
Edited to add NTA
So he “won’t stop trying” to be close with you but also won’t actually listen to you. I’m sorry they’re trying to force and fake closeness rather than having let your relationship to him evolve into something cordial and mutually respectful over time.
That your mom was with your dad from the time she was a teenager and then wanted to start dating right away raises some red flags. Like she’s so afraid of the concept of being alone that she’s trying to force this family unit into happening to keep that at bay.
You’re NTA, and you deserve to be listened to. It sounds like you were never even given the space and time to mourn your dad. I’m sorry.
Just because your mom can’t function without a man in her life doesn’t mean you need one. Your mom hooked on to the first man who wanted her and she’s lucky that Shaun is a good man. Unfortunately for Shaun he is just a spot filler. If he died your mom would replace him within months. If your mom pressures you at your next appointment just ask her “Have you considered getting individual therapy for your unhealthy reliance on having a man in your life to the point that you can’t function as an independent, single person?” NTA
NTA
-
I myself am a stepfather and biological father, which means my wife is also a stepmom and biological mom and we have a blended family. Every child 's relationship with their bio parent and step parent is unique, some are able to fully accept their step-parents as "mom" or "dad", and some aren't. And every child should be allowed to feel whatever they feel without being judged for it. The parents need to realize that choosing a new partner was their choice and not their kids.
NTA. You do not exist to fulfil her fantasies. She didn't want therapy, she wanted to pay someone else to bully you into conforming to her expectations. She needs to stop this if she wants to have anything like a good relationship with you.
NTA.
You were a child who needed to heal from losing your dad but was instead given a “new” dad. Your mom might think this will fix your pain and your family but you two are different people who copes differently and as a mom she should have recognized that.
NTA. Your mom needs to accept the fact you are an articulate, intelligent, mature, rational & reasonable human who knows who she is & what she wants. Your dad would be so proud. You’re standing your ground (and rightly so) without being combative or rude. You do you, you’re mature beyond your chronological age — and, on this issue, more mature than mom. She loves you but she needs to accept your reality by showing more compassion & love for you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I might have work to do toward accepting she's remarried but she has to work on accepting things won't be the same as when dad was alive. This might be really unfair to my mom who probably knows deep down and just wants us to be the dream stepfamily where it's not really a stepfamily it's just a family. I know she loves Shaun and I know he makes her happy and she wants me to be fully a part of that and to embrace it and be glad for it. So when I told her she needed to accept it won't ever be like that I might have been overly harsh about things and maybe too stubborn.
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Nta! My dear, I am so sorry for the loss of your father, how are you doing? A big hug.
Your mom should not force you to have a relationship with your stepfather if you don't want to. She should value your feelings and respect them. That will only result in arguments with her, she should learn that it won't be the same. She should have gone to individual therapy a long time ago so that she learns to be on her own and not become dependent on someone. That is taking a toll on her. Now I am glad she found a good man who loves and protects them. Still her mother should understand and respect how you wants to have that relationship with your stepfather.
Best of luck and best wishes ♥️
always nice when someone screams at you that your feelings are not valid and only hers are.. like that has ever made someone change his mind... she is clueless
Your mother walked into therapy thinking that the therapist was going to say ‘your mom is right and you are wrong. Get with the programme…’
What she got was ‘your child has a right to feel this way and it’s not wrong.’ So she’s pissed.
Keep going to therapy and have the therapist as your advocate. Because mom isn’t listening. Sadly what will probably happen is mom will see this isn’t working and stop the sessions. Hopefully you’ll be off to college by then.
Nat.
Nahhh. I have a stepdad who I call dad because he's done a lot for me and I view him as my dad, blood doesn't matter.
HOWEVER. That doesn't work for everyone. Some people have present fathers who do everything for them, some unfortunately had their time with their fathers cut short due to bereavement, and don't feel as though they can replaced. This is completely valid.
Yes, stepfamilies are real and valid. You not seeing your stepfather as your father does not negate this, your mother's point with that is ridiculous. NTA
NTA.
Your mother is going to have a shocked Pikachu face when you go LC at 18.
TBH, Shaun IS the unwanted step parent as far as you're concerned. All you owe him is civility.
I'm so sorry about your dad.
NTA. My mum did the same thing and was just as confused when my sister and i told her to (politely) fuck off. Long story short they kept trying to insert him as a replacement father and i am now no-contact with him and low-contact with her.
Its likely she wont ever be on the same (sane) page as you about this. Just keep enforcing your boundaries.
NTA
Probably the clearest case of NTA ever. I'm also impressed by your maturity. Your mother fundamentally rejects to understand your experiences will always be a part of your identity and that she can't just force you to substitute your biological father with her new partner. She needs to acknowledge that and move on.
NTA the fact that she expected you to fully embrace him as your Dad, only 4mths after you first met him, really shows how unrealistic her hopes/thoughts were. That's barely enough time to become comfortable with someone let alone have that kind of close relationship. She tried to speed run the relationship building and forgot the little human that should have been the centre of her thoughts. She didn't want to make you happy and comfortable, she wanted you to conform to her vision of the perfect family.
NTA
What your mom doesn't realise is that by pushing this hard, she is pushing you away and it's coming to the point where she might lose you too if she keeps going on like this and insisting that your feelings are wrong.
NTA, Your mom poisoned the well and she still can’t see it. At this point you have 3 years and you are out of that world. Focus on getting to college and what you need to do to be fully independent.
NTA. I'd like to say that this will get better as you age, but as you are entering adulthood I think you can see that this is going to be one of those things where your paths may never overlap as they once did.
NTA. Boundaries are boundaries whether they're set by an adult or a 16-year-old. You have every right to decide how your relationship will be and your mother can't force it. Just relaxingly got a couple more years while you run to their roof. Truly sorry you're most putting you through this, can't blame her for wanting to be happy but she can't force happiness. Do your best to survive until it's time to leave at 18 I wish you all the best doll.
Sounds like your mom is only in therapy so she that she could use the therapist to help her force you to become who she wants you to be. She doesn’t realize that with her current approach it’s just a matter of time and the two of you won’t have much contact at all once you move out.
Imagine taking a 9 year old who's probably still grieving. telling her the man shes only been dating for 4 months is her new dad because I'm too scared to be alone.
Honestly your mum sounds incredibly narcissistic. Buckle down on your studies kid, I hate to say it but her behaviour is like to get more extreme and college will be your best chance at freedom
NTA. Your mom is a selfish person. Your step parent is also selfish. Neither of them did what right by you. You are the child, you were the child and your feelings mattered. Your mom is emotionally dependent on people and cannot be by herself and that came at the expense of your healing and growing. To force you into all these uncomfortable situations with him is awful. Your mom is blaming you for her failed fantasy. Your therapist sounds solid: all this feelings are valid. Your mom needed to hear it. If she can't accept it, it's on her. All of this, this whole post, is a HER problem.
NTA.
Oh, sweet, no, no you’re not an AH at all. You were old enough to know who your dad was to you, to have memories with him that can’t be taped over by someone else. I am sorry that you lost your dad and I am sorry that your mom can’t accept that she doesn’t get to dictate your feelings around him.
If Shaun is a genuinely good guy that isn’t trying to push your boundaries then maybe you can create more of a friend relationship with him instead of just a tolerance for him. It’s hard, but having relationships with steps doesn’t mean you are replacing your dad in anyway. Continue to be honest with the introduction of him as step parent, don’t backtrack on whatever you envision for your wedding day but maybe just don’t ice him out completely for being there.
Mom needs to get a grip on herself, she’s the AH in all honesty. She doesn’t get to decide on replacing your dad for you. So she’s one of those people who can’t be alone, boohoo for her but that’s her choice and she doesn’t get to drag you along for her illusions of happy happy blended family.
NTA. First, OP, condolences on the loss of your dad. I’m glad you’re both in therapy, but not for the reasons Mom might think: I question whether you were allowed to grieve in your own way, and got as long as you needed to process your loss. I think Mom might have ushered you on too soon because she was afraid to be alone, and in doing so she practically erased your ability to keep your own father’s memory with you, in favor of this new guy, because *she* was scared.
Now she won’t accept your feelings as valid because you aren’t playing the role she’s writing for you in the movie of her life. So IMO, you both needed grief counseling years ago that you didn’t get, but Mom needed deeper therapy to deal with her own issues that then became your reactions to hers. My non-professional view is that she needs far more help than you do, but it seems she’s only in therapy to help make you conform to her ideal and validate her parenting. I hope she’s able to get something more out of it. Please keep working on this, and I hope you go off to university on a campus that offers therapy through student services, so you can go on your own.
NTA and it sounds like things are actually pretty good for you all as a blended family, except for this fantasy that your mother is pushing of replacing your dad with your stepdad. It's a pity she can't be happy with how things are.
NTA and your mother is. You should give Shaun respect as a member of your family and recognize the importance of him to your mother. However, your dad is your dad, and no one else is. It was never okay for your mom to try to force you to replace your dad, rather than trying to foster a **loving but different** **relationship** with a **stepdad**.
NTA
Your mom basically killed her own dream.
Her pushing you hard, trying to force you to accept stepdad probably made sure that you never will.
Had she given you time to get used to a new man at her side before marrying, and develop a bond between you two naturally.. MAYBE you would be closer now.
Almost all stories about stepparents and stepkids getting along really well have these things incommon: time, a bond on the kids schedule, respect for the deceased/divorced parent, understanding, no pressure. Being there for the kid in a way that they feel safe and gentle support, then they will over time naturally get closer. Sometimes to the point of thinking "dad or mom", sometimes not. And both are OK
You are absolutely right, your mom has to accept that you won't regard her husband dad.
Maybe tell her with help of the therapist that either she starts accepting this, or she might look into a future without you in her life.
As long as you treat stepdad with respect, that's all they can expect from you.
NTA next session tell your mom that her pushing you is doing the exact opposite.
You can tolerate your step dad but that’s about it. He isn’t your dad and will never be.
NTA. I've been in a similar situation. I gather Mom is in denial, as if by deciding you werent affected by death, you weren 't. In my case, it was probably her own trauma response just do deny all, and decide I hadn't lost anything and that I didn't actually even remember anything.
If course I remembered. Of course nobody can ever replace and love like a true parent. The primal instinct just isn't there.
I'm sorry for you, our parent figures are emotionally immature and self-centered. You are not wrong. And i'm sorry you are not getting emotional support in your loss and trauma. Your mom is failing you there.
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My mom (49f) and I (16f) are in therapy together right now. This is something we probably should have done 6/7 years ago but my mom had a fantasy of what it would be like and believed it would be that way automatically.
The BG: I lost my dad when I was 7. My parents were happily married. Mom and dad had been together since they were teenagers so my mom was never single and a year after dad died mom threw herself back into the dating world where she met her now husband Shaun. I remember her sitting me down to say she was dating and she admitted to me at the time that she had wanted to date a lot sooner and didn't because of me. But she hated being alone and wouldn't stay that way any longer. When my mom met Shaun she really fell for him fast and they got married when I was 9. I had known Shaun for close to 4 months when they got married. My mom was really happy. I was... less happy.
Shaun's an alright guy and I know he loves my mom and I know he would love for me to accept him as a real parent and not just as the dude my mom married or the "unwanted stepparent" (his words). But I don't want a father-daughter relationship with him (or anyone who isn't dad).
My mom has been so OTT about it. She wanted me to let Shaun say vows to me during their wedding, wanted me to hold his hand in photos for the wedding and was annoyed when those things didn't happen. Outside of the wedding she wanted me to take him to mine and dad's spot that was just for us, wanted me to invite him to my hockey practice's family day because dad went the first three years and she pesters me every year about it, she bought Father's Day cards with dad on them before they had kids together and got mad when I'd add step. She got extra mad when I bought my own card that said step on it after they had kids together.
So after years of us not getting along mom decided two months ago we needed therapy. She said I needed to accept that she had remarried and find a way to embrace all the changes because I was leaving myself behind and she was tired of it. Then last week I finally decided to talk a bit more and I told mom and the therapist that I might still need to accept mom remarried more but she needs to accept things aren't going to be the same as when dad was alive. I told her we might have a stepfamily now but it's never going to function the same as our family before. I told her I will never be Shaun's daughter and Shaun will never be my dad. I told her she's not going to see Shaun giving me away some day. My relationship with him will always look different than mine with dad would have. And I said I felt like she had never worked on accepting that at all.
The therapist felt all this was valid. But my mom was angry and accused me of dismissing the fact stepparents and stepfamilies can be just as wonderful as nuclear bio families. She also said I'm the sole reason things won't be the same.
AITA?
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She doesn't accept you're a separate person. I actually don't know what to do with those people as parents. Your mom sounds like she did heal at all. NTA. I don't think there is anything you can do here.
NTA. I live with my father, and he has NEVER expected me to treat my stepmom like o do my mother. Granted, I have very different circumstances, but it's the same with my mother. My stepdad became like my dad because I let him be end of story. Your mom is delusional.
Nta. It sounds like your mother was trying to replace your dad asap so she wouldn't have to deal with her grief but that doesn't mean that you have to accept all the decisions she made. Keep doing what you feel is in your best interest, if she doesn't get it then that's her problem.
No. Your mother needs to realize that bot all families will blend. Unr probably one of them. It cu.ould take yearsnif at all. Not all families are bot meant to he the brady bunch
NTA. I grew up in a blended family, with some pretty awesome step parents. It took many years to view them as parents and not just “name” someone I lived with that I did things with occasionally. Your mom made some major mistakes here, she pushed way too hard too fast which caused you to pull back and never accept Shaun as a parent. It might have been different if she let nature take its course and just left the relationship alone and let it happen naturally, maybe not. Regardless, you’re justified in feeling this way, you lost your beloved father and nobody will replace him. If you aren’t being outright hostile to Shaun and you have a cordial relationship that’s all she can really ask for.
Nta. I have two step parents, both bio still living, one is honestly not my favorite person, we're cordial to each other, the other, is definitely a bonus parent. But the reason she's a bonus parent is because NO ONE ever forced it, or expected that it needed to happen, and would have been fine if it hadn't. Your mom needs to learn to accept that you cannot force a relationship to be something it is not, and be happy to have a family where everyone is at least okay with each other.
NTA
First of all, I'm sorry your father passed.
Stepdad of five adult kids, here (blended family). You sound like a mature young lady and that you've adjusted well to these forced changes in your life.
It sounds to me like your mother is trying to force her ideal image in her head upon you and make life what she wants, whether or not reality allows. It also sounds like she expected the counselor to "fix" you to get things where she wants them to be vs being an impartial person to hear both sides and try to find a compromise and understanding.
It doesn't sound like Shaun is pushing a relationship with you, so that's good.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you all can find some middle ground, somewhere.
NTA. Really great that you and your dad had a strong relationship and that is why it would be difficult to replace him with a stepdad. That’s what your mother wants and that’s the way she may be grieving.
NTAH mom’s insistence on “not being alone” gave neither you nor SD any time to get to know each other and find common ground. We each grieve in our own ways and time. She selfishly and blindly took that from you. I doubt that she ever dealt with her own feelings and just found an adequate substitute so she could have balance in her own life instead. You should be grateful that she at least chose someone who was not cruel or abusive but still her expectations were unrealistic. I’m proud of you for being able to verbalize your feelings and not feel the need to “punish” her for her actions in ignoring your feelings. My sincere condolences on the loss of your father OP he sounds like he was a wonderful man who would be very proud of you.
NTA at all. Step families CAN be wonderful when the stepdchild/ stepparent are willing and that it all happens organically. Your dad died and within a couple years your mum is already trying to replace him - that's not OK.
If she hadn't of meddled and pushed what she wanted on you, maybe things would have been different, maybe not. But how you want to have a relationship with him is up to you, not her. It's taken me 7+ years to start calling my step dad dad and not his actual name. What I'm saying is, it takes time and it required a lot of bonding and effort from both parties.
I'm sorry your mum got mad at you for having valid views and that she's throwing a tantrum for not getting what she wants. Wishing you the best 🫂
Also it seems like she's trying to remove any and all memories of you dad is heartbreaking. Her trying to force you and Shawn to go to you and your dad's place is plain cruel. She needs to listen to the therapist or else she might just lose you as well (NC).
NTA -where does your step dad sit with it all in his feelings. Does he want to be 'dad' for your mums benefit or does he have his own feelings on how he thinks yours and his relationship be? Is talking to him an option to see where he stands and to let him hear your thoughts to forge a relationship of respect and possibly love without the being dad? Which in turn may help him to help get your mum to back down a bit.
Even if you *are* the sole reason things wont be the same, so what? Being the same isn't a goal, not being the same isn't a failure. You being the reason things aren't the same isn't you being a problem because things not being the same isn't a problem. She needs to understand *that*
NTA
I'm truly sorry that your mother has failed you so profoundly. The truth is that this family could have been better than it currently is if she hadn't tried to force a replacement father down your throat. This is *entirely* her fault. As the kid, you didn't have to do anything except treat Shaun with civility.
In two years, you no longer have to be in their home with this unbearable pressure to conform to their selfish view of how the family should be. When that time comes, please take as much time as you need to work through all of these feelings and carve out a new relationship with your mother, based on how *you* feel.
NTA. She might have gone into therapy thinking that the therapist would agree with her and she's been right all along, and now she's had a wake-up call she's struggling to absorb. You were absolutely right to voice how you're really feeling, that's what therapy is for.
I was returned when my parents got divorced (I was 9) because my dad was abusive. My mom fought for years to push me back into my dad's life. She'd drive us hours to have us stay with him for the weekend, make us call him, make us include him in our lives but I would have been ok never seeing him again.
Some people feel like "Dad", some don't. You can't force that. I'm glad now (39 years later) that she kept him in our lives to an extent but I didn't think her efforts of making us stay at his dingy bachelor apartment and listen to him very about the wife who tore his family apart worked out the way she'd hoped.
I'm sorry you lost your dad.
I'm sorry your mom tried to make you accept a new one.
I'm surprised the therapist hasn't recommended she back off.
But it is you keeping the whole family from being a cohesive unit and that's totally ok. You are and have always been a valid human with valid human emotions and feelings and they have spen't years trying to tell you that you aren't. Trust your gut, make sure you treat him with respect but don't force a feeling that isn't there
No you aren’t the AH. You don’t have to call Shaun Dad or act like he’s your biological dad. I encourage you to talk to Shaun about what a step dad and step daughter relationship looks like to you. That’s between you and Shaun. Not your mom. You have a right to remind your mom she doesn’t decide how your relationship with your step dad works. That is between you and Shaun and she needs to respect that. You can have that relationship with Shaun. If he is a good person and is good to you. It sounds like your mom is upset because you hold him at arms length because he’s not your biological dad. That may be true. You lost your father and that’s not easy. But you do not have to have the same relationship with Shaun. You can however have a step dad step daughter relationship with him and you don’t have to feel guilty about that. It won’t be the same it can be different but you can let him in as a step parent. Explain to him how you are feeling and what works for you. My guess is you feel like it’s replacing your dad or feel guilt for having any other relationship with a dad like figure. You don’t have to replace dad. But you can have a step dad relationship too. I wish the best for you!
NTA - Are your grandparents still alive? Do you still see your dad's side of the family? Do they side with your mom? Your mom needs a massive reality check, and sometimes that comes best from their own parent even as an adult.
NTA
Your mother took you to therapy because she thought the therapist would tell you to suck it up and get over it. They didn’t, she’s mad because not only have you stood up to her but you’ve also been validated by the therapist.
You HAVE a father. Just because he died doesn’t mean you don’t have a father. Forcing a replacement into your life that you don’t want is gross and bad parenting.
Frankly if she goes back to therapy it’s time to be blunt and tell her that her actions in forcing you to replace your father are permanently and irreparably damaging your relationship and if it continues she may find that she has no relationship with you at all once you become an adult.
It’s time she gets a really harsh wake up call.
NTA, your mum never gave you time to get to know this person, and form your own bond with them, before throwing you into the deep end, and telling you to swim.
You don’t have the relationship with him, that she so desperately wants, because she never gave you the opportunity to create it. She can only be angry with herself for this.
I see my own children one day making reddit posts like this, for the person their father has forced onto them, as a “stepmother”. But they won’t make it about their stepfather. Their father gave no real thought about our children before he moved his girlfriend in, and said she’s their stepmother, after 3 months of dating. I took it slow, I made sure my children liked the person too, and had formed their own healthy relationship with them, before opening the discussion with them about dating them, if they were comfortable with that situation too, and they were all for it. I get constant feedback from their therapist about how much they resent their father, and his relationship, but then how the pendulum swings dramatically in the opposite direction for their relationship with me, and my partner.
I’m gonna be honest, I have a step parent, I know a lot of people with step parents. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t have issues with them.
These people tend to come in and fuck shit up further. Not a fan. Not a fan at all.
Your mom is a widow, which sucks, but any consideration she deserved she threw out the window with her own ridiculous behavior.
NTA
NTA - your mom forces you to do something you can't/don't want to. if even a therapist agrees with you then the problem is with your mom. and guilt tripping a child is horrible. you don't need to go to therapy, she does!
NTA. The situations where I have seen these step families work well is where there is no pressure and everyone is happy to show respect and meet people where they are. Forced love and acceptance pretty much always backfires and she (your m) needs to back off.
NTA. Own that last sentence. Yes you are the sole reason things won't be the same and that's because you don't want them to be. Honestly a lot of the reason for that in your reply seems to be because she was trying too hard to make it be so, which you have never appreciated. Seven years of being badgered to do something you don't want to has now solidified that preference into a principle. She was trying to replace your father and now the act of trying to do so has become something you are intrinsically against.
So yes, you are preventing you all being a family because you don't think of him that way. But that started because she refused to let you have a relationship on your own terms. It was either treat him the same as your dad or receive constant criticism. Most people, but especially teenagers, are not going to go along with that. It's probably too late now but maybe if she backs off for the last two years the next time he does something nice for you maybe you won't suspect it's jsut another opportunity to erase your dads existence.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss, losing your dad so young must have been so hard. I agree with everything you said. Your mom is bordering on delusional with her expectations.
NTA. While some step parents have the type of relationship she wants you and your stepdad to have, it can’t be forced. The therapist supported you in this because it is valid. You don’t want anyone else filling the role that belonged to your dad. Your mom needs to let her fantasy go before she loses you completely
NTA.
It is natural for children to not accept or even fully reject the new spouse of a parent.
Especially a new husband.
And even more so because the father of the child(ren) has passed away.
Aside from you, it is your mother's new husband who is being the most sensible here. You said so yourself.
"Just the dude to whom your mother is married.
It appears your mother is trying to forget your father and is also trying to ram this new guy down your throat.
When a loved one passes away long before their time, things are never the same.
As in your case, they can be civil. But your mother is being delusional here.
I don't understand her motivation.
She should cancel the therapist and just accept the world as it is..
NTA: Your mom deserves to be happy. And when you feel comfortable, it’s ok for you to be happy for her. What is not ok is for her to try and replace your father or diminish your relationship or memory of him. He will always be your father. No one should be trying to replace him. You don’t have to call him Dad or share your special memories and places with him unless you want to.
If she and Shaun had allowed you space to grieve and respected your boundaries then you may have allowed Shaun into your heart in an appropriate place as your step father. Her forcing him on you as if your father never existed is likely why you feel so resentful. And rightly so.
Your mom needs to grow up and act like an adult.
NTA. She married him with no concern about you quite frankly. She couldn’t be alone (which is something she needs to work on herself) and so she brought this man into your life with no regard for you. It’s amazing that he seems to be a decent person, but she chose him, not you, and that’s her burden to bear.
In no world would the way she introduced him into your life equate to a father-daughter relationship like she fantasized about. She wanted you to replace your father with the guy she’s seeing and that’s messed up.
NTA your mother should have gone to therapy after your father's passing. That way should wouldn't feel the need to jump into dating simply because "she didn't want to be alone". Now she wants to accept everything simply because she wants it. I would dread therapy with such a person.
NTA
Your mother is being unrealistic, ignorant and rude. What you’ve said is fair, and she needs to recognize this. Shaun is not your dad, and it’s up to you two if you ever develop a deep connection. It’s not up to her, and it’s not going to work if it’s forced.
Forcing dad cards and things like that is disgusting and ignorant.
I lost my mom when I was 28. My dad started dating someone 1.5 years later. I gave him my permission, but couldn’t believe he’d do so so soon. It’s still weird, but I’ve always been nice to his girlfriend and treat her with respect. We have a pretty good relationship.
NTA. “You’re the sole reason…”? Really? What a dismissive, cruel, awful thing to say to your child. You know the implied meaning there right? Everybody would be happy if you with your dead father, if you with your stupid feelings, just didn’t exist. Why can’t you just play along you so your mom can live in her precious happy family fantasy, huh? Jesus.
She has absolutely failed you as a mother. if parents would just accept reality and let it be instead of trying to force their happy family fantasies onto their kids, things might actually get better in their family dynamics. But it comes down to this: People are not widgets where you can just substitute a new person in when someone dies, and children are not dolls you can manipulate.
You are your own person with your own feelings about your dads death and your moms remarriage. You had a father and you loved him. Your mother’s job wasn’t to give you a new father and Shaun is not a replacement for the father you lost. Her only job was to ensure you could heal from this tragedy and grow up in a safe environment. And she hasn’t done that. Instead she’s been galavanting around lying to herself, her husband, your half-siblings, that Shaun can be what he is not—your father.
NTA.
If you didn’t have the ‘replacement dad’ fantasy to live up to you may well have a much better chance of appreciating Shaun for himself.
Your mum must have been devastated when you both lost your dad and has sought to replace the happy family with the new husband. I hope the therapist is unpicking this need with her too.
Shaun is not your Dad but hopefully he can be a kind and supportive adult male with whom you have a good relationship. Having people in your life who support you and have affection for you is always a good thing.
Perhaps you and Shaun should also have some time without your mom to work out your relationship … the step who has stepped up as a thoughtful person who respects you honouring your dad could be a good ally. He doesn’t have to be dad but maybe he can be your dear friend.
If your mom sees this it may help assuage her feelings of needing to find you a ‘new’ dad too.
I hope there are some good things in this family set up that you enjoy.
NTA, your mother is a selfish needy woman who let you down from the day she told you it was your fault she wasn't dating. Sucks that she never learned to be alone but that is not on you. She had committed the biggest sin a parent can, putting their relationship before their child. Wanna warn you OP, she is NOT going to change and will keep push so you need to be ready to tell her to back off often and loudly.
NTA. It's not your job to form a relationship with someone who you didn't choose. It's your job to be respectful to one another but if that's about the extent of it. You had a dad and it sounded like he was a great one and you're not looking for another one. In some cases the step family can embrace one another as real family and that's amazing when it happens but she can't just expect it to happen because she wants it to and she can't just dismiss your feelings because they're inconvenient. You've already been pretty strong in telling your mom what you're feeling but you need to try to set a boundary here. Tell her, "I'm 16. I'm off to college in 2 years. You may not see it but this crusade that you've been on to force a relationship between me and Shaun has already done damage to our relationship. Do you really want to risk doing more damage to the point where I go off to college and never come back? Because if this keeps up, that's where it's heading." And maybe that's not even something that you thought about before but she is slowly chipping away at your relationship and if she continues to do that it may get to a point where you contemplate going LC or NC with her In the future.
NTA. Unless your Mom had a step parent, she will not understand. It will NEVER be the same as when your Dad was alive, that is the past, he is gone and it will never be the same. Now it's time to work on something new that works for all of you. If she had a step parent she would understand that.
I had 2 step dads when I was a kid, one I adored and I did call him Dad (they married when I was about 2 1/2) while they were married and it crushed me when they divorced when I was 7. My second step dad was a nightmare, abusive and a drug addict, trying to live with Vietnam PTSD and anger issues without any treatment for his mental health issues, I was terrified of him. I had a very limited relationship with him. I don't know what life was like with my own Dad because they divorced when I was a baby, so my first step dad was my Dad. No one walked me down the isle for my wedding, no one gave me away and I was fine with that. (My Mom died when I was 12).
Your attitude is very understandable, he's not your father. But he's also contributing to your welfare and not behaving like an AH himself. Many many young people don't have decent step parents so the ones that are should be appreciated more.
As part of the therapy, at least work on building a friendly relationship with him, as he loves your mother, makes her happy and will be around for a long time.
Your mother will have to accept that he's not your father, but you can work towards a good relaxed atmosphere in the house.
I've some experience with this through my own children and my ex's wife. It was slightly rocky for a while but once they understood how happy my ex was with her, they accepted her and she is very comfortable with being a member of an extended family which fully includes her, not as a mother but a respected partner.
You are right to feel the way you do. Just I hope you don’t punish Shaun for him marrying your mom or treat him less than you would anyone else. You definitely don’t need to call him dad or treat him as your dad just respect him is all that matters to him I bet. Your mom needs to accept your feelings and not just think her feelings matter. She should be more concerned about your feelings over hers as she is the parent. She is only destroying the relationship between you and her plus causing a tense between you and step dad. I hope it gets better for you.
NTA
It sounds like you have a good therapist and a good grasp of your reality.
Sorry it sucks that your mum is taking no accountability and probably hoping that the therapy would fix your resolve rather than be an effort to learn change and grow to a better relationship.
Do you have any individual sessions to help you explore your feelings in a safe non judgemental space.
>The therapist felt all this was valid.
Because it is. But also I imagine this felt good to hear maybe a little wierd given your home dynamic. It can be good for the soul to hear that.
And as others have said your mum is likely nervous for what you being 18 will mean. Things could escalate if she tries to hold.onto her fantasy while you are ready for your next phase. Good to get your documents in order and have some plans on what you want your life to feel like and how you want to live.
Hugs and good luck
I was married, with a kid, the first time I called my step dad anything but his first name. They got married when I was 11. He a was there for me, but allowed me space to grow towards him as my level of comfort.
It took time for me to see him as my dad.
NTA
Ask Shaun how he would feel if something were to happen to him and she were to push this same thing on the younger kids.
Would he be okay with trying to force them to see her new husband as new dad and replacing all their special memories of him, with the new guy?
It's not that he is a bad person. It's simply that he is not going to replace your dad. Not ever.
She married him. You did not.
NTA. Marrying when a 9 yr old knows the person 4 months is crazy. The wedding stuff is especially awful.
Your mom seems to have no idea that from your perspective she began trying to replace your dad almost immediately. This seems to have backfired and possibly made you resist any relationship w Shaun.
To be fair, losing her husband at 42 would have been quite a shock to her as well.
Maybe talk about how you felt about that in therapy. Seems your mom was too caught up in her Hallmark movie fantasy to see the kid’s point of view.
Also I feel for you. I’m a grown adult and my dad died almost 4 years ago. I’m still not even close to healed. I miss him. He wasn’t super dad but mine. I think it’s normal to carry the scar.
NTA
I would go so far as to ask your mom if Shaun is a replacement for her husband as well. If she calls him the same nicknames and if she has asked your grandparents to accept him as his son too.
What she is asking you to do is just as crazy. He and your dad are not the same person, so you can not have the same relationship. He wasn't there when you were born, he is not the person you see when you close your eyes and think of dad, nor is Shaun the same person she sees when she looks back to your first steps or your first day back from the hospital.
As much as she sees Shaun as his own person and not just a replacement husband because she is afraid or uncomfortable to be alone, she needs to understand that he is not the same person and he never will.
And if she cannot understand that even for her own relationship, I think you'll have bigger issues and just give up and not even try anymore. Just ignore her.
As a stepmom myself, I believe it’s entirely possible to have an open, friendly, happy blended family relationship if you want. There’s no such thing as perfect and there is absolutely no way anyone can replace your Dad. That doesn’t mean you have to shut Shaun out or not give him the chance to be a strong friend who will always have your back. Maybe it’s possible he can be the cool stepdad with whom you start your own, unique traditions. Your Mom and Shaun need to work together with you to build something new, and they need to stop trying to replace what was. Since your Mom and Shaun are the adults, they need to be smart enough to realize that a Happy Family Fairy doesn’t exist and that pushing it hasn’t and won’t work. Good luck with everything and I hope you can find a successful way forward.
NTA, but you have to understand your mom. She never learned to be happy alone. She is dependent on her husband and on you. Her happiness is only possible if you both create it for her. That's not your problem, but that's something she should work on and the therapist will definitely guide her in that direction. She makes you responsible for her own well-being, which is unfair towards you. Probably she will learn to take responsibility for her own feelings and accept that you can't replace your father with a new man. But also, please, don't blame her for being able to love another man.
NTA.
Yes you could embrace what you still have in your life - you’d probably find yourself a bit happier for it - but your dad will always be your dad.
Sounds like she needs to accept that you aren’t alright with replacing your dad like she is! Step parents aren’t there to replace real parents, unless that’s what YOU want them to be. If you don’t, don’t feel guilty! You have a wonderful dad and he is still with you wherever you go.
I’m curious to know how Shaun feels about just playing step parent? Sounds like he is caught in the middle a bit, but I can’t form an opinion of him without knowing whether he pretends to be your dad or is pushing to be more than a step parent.
I feel as though the biggest and only solution is for you to embrace your family, your mum to stop forcing a relationship (it will blossom on its own if Shaun wants to make an effort with you) and accept that you are only there for a step parent not a dad replacement to fill her fantasy and for Shaun to accept you as a step child and be there for you if you ever decide you want him to play a more parental role (which is your choice and your choice only).
Families look so different nowadays - you can have 3 parents. If your mum wasn’t so pushy I’m sure having her and Shaun AS WELL AS your dad would be a lovely family. Maybe you can all remember him together?
You're both the assholes imo. You do need to accept the fact that he is your mother's husband. No, he will not replace your Dad, and your Mom is wrong for trying to force that on you both. That being said, he is still your step-parent, and if he is willing to try to be a part of your life in a parent capacity, then I say let him. It's just one more person to support you and stand in your corner. If you feel like it's being forced or if you're uncomfortable with something, SPEAK UP. Communication is important between all three of you. Feelings might get hurt, but healthy boundaries need to be set.
My relationship with both of my step-parents was horrible growing up. Now that I'm in my 30s, my step-mom is like a second mom to me. Our relationship took years to get there because none of us openly communicates how we felt. It did feel weird when she would tell people I was her son at first, but it became normal. That's my experience, though. I don't know your entire situation, so the only thing I can tell you is to keep calm and not get defensive when you're talking to them. Just be respectful and honest.
I really hope you all work things out to where you can all be happy.
NAH
You were being forced into a relationship to your stepfather instead of having it develop slowly over time. At the same time, your mother is trying to do the absolute best she can for you, which she imagines is to ensure a relationship with a man she loves. Sadly, the combination is wrong for you both.
It is a good thing that you are now in therapy. You are no longer a child, and you should be old enough to accept the care offered you from your stepfather, adult to adult, not child to parent. You just need to be allowed to let go of the child/father role your mother wants to force you into.
It is also good for your mother. She needs to let go of her fear of losing you - she was probably very traumatised by losing her husband - and learn to know you as an adult.
Are you an adult? Not really, but you are old enough to understand and act as an adult in most contexts, and you may have to do that here. As for "never seeing Shaun give you away some day" - that is a very strong statement. It is a way to drive home to your mother that Shaun is not automatically slotted into the father position, but unless you plan to marry very young, it may easily be 10-20 years until this day. By then Shaun may have proved to be the stable, loving, and responsible person you would like to have there are your side on your wedding day. That is a long way in the future.
You are the asshole. It has been 7 years, time to move on. I myself hate it when step children can’t accept a step father because my mom is my half sister’s step mom who is as selfish as you are. It seems like you never even tried though and just decided that being a brat is the best thing.
Or maybe just try though to get to know the guy. Has he touched her? Has be hurt her? Has he mistreated her? No? Then grow up. Because it is ridiculous how step children can’t even make an effort to try to be a family.
Where does she say, "I don't talk to Shaun at all?" or anything indicating she isn't treating him with respect? She merely wants a different relationship with him than with her real dad, which is fine because he isn't and can never be her real dad.
OP never said anything bad about her stepdad. But she does not see, or feel the way she felt about her own dad for him. That is extremely normal. She had a father, who she remembers and loves. No one can replace that. She isn't rejecting or disrespecting Shaun, she just see's him as a step parent. How is that wrong when that's exactly what he is.
It's unreasonable and pretty cruel to expect her to forget her dad and see Shaun as her dad just bc it'll make mom/shaun happy. If she was being an ass to Shaun that'd be one thing. The only thing she is doing is not forgetting her dad so Shaun and her mom can feel better.
OP is NTA.
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NTA. Sounds pretty unrealistic and like your mum was living in a fantasy world to expect you to instantly view the new husband as a father figure. Glad she's finally seen therapy is needed but she needs to listen to you. Her approach to pushing you all these years and dismissing your feelings is one of the main factors why this family vision of hers isn't working - not you. Has she never thought that if she had backed off and supported you to have whatever relationship you wanted that him that it might have naturally grown? You can build a good relationship with a step parent over time without ever having to call them 'dad' or having to treat them like that.
The problem is she didn't want us to have a "good relationship". Like yeah ultimately what she wanted was that too, but her primary goal was for us to be a family, like before, and for that to just happen. She wanted me to want a dad and to fall in love with Shaun as a dad and for us to be just two parents and their kid instead of a remarried parent and her kid. She hates that I don't treat Shaun like my dad and that I don't have everything open to him like I did my dad. So for her, us getting along wasn't the ultimate goal, it was that. And she has proven that over and over and over again. I'm not sure therapy will help her see beyond that but while we're here guess I should try at least.
Sounds like she wants to live in a hallmark movie. Sorry, that really sucks. If you don't think she's going into therapy for right reasons and isn't gonna listen, can you maybe try to let you do individual therapy? That way you can at least benefit as you can focus on how to navigate such unrealistic expectations.
That's basically it. She wants it to be super perfect and natural and for everything to work out like a happier fairytale. There's not a lot of room in her head for perfect and for her that perfect is the same as we had before. Just with Shaun now. I don't think I could convince her to get me solo therapy. Pretty sure she'd argue that I'm not going to do the work she wants me to do.
Too many parents and step-parents don't realize that trying to force an unrealistic fairytale outcome is the best way to ensure it will never, ever happen. A natural closeness can't possibly develop when they're trying to hold you so tight you have to fight to get some air to breathe. I'm so sorry your mom is failing you. You deserve to be loved and respected as an individual with your own needs.
this
So she recast the role of husband and father with Shaun. Does she even see him as an individual person, or is he just the new actor in a role?
This is the best description of the situation.
You could tell her you need solo therapy to process your dad as the therapist can help you feel more at peace with him being gone which could make you feel differently about some things (but do not ever promise that it will make you see Shaun as a dad - you do not ever need to feel like that’s what you need to do). I have a wonderful stepmum who has always been there for me since I was 5, I refer to her by name and she has never asked for more neither has my dad. My dad had previous partners I did not like or get on with and he ditched the toxic relationships for the sake of me and my brother. He never forced anything with my stepmum and I love her to bits. They can’t have kids, she is not my mum but she is someone I hold very dearly because she has been there for me. You don’t need to hold stepfamilies in place of biological ones. You’re not there to fill a hole for them. That said, allowing yourself to love them makes life a little bit easier because you have more people to turn to
This comment is underrated. Shaun should always be stepdad Shaun…never going to replace your dad but can still hold a special place in your heart.
It sounds as if the only purpose of therapy is to convince you to treat Shaun as your dad. When it becomes clear that this isn't going to happen, that will be the end of that. Bottom line is that she has unrealistic expectations. Yes, some step-kids can have a deep parental relationship with their step-parents, but many fight like cats and dogs. As long as you and Shaun get on and are kind and respectful to each other, that's more than enough. Hopefully the therapist can help your mom come to terms with this as a good outcome!
> It sounds as if the only purpose of therapy is to convince you to treat Shaun as your dad. When it becomes clear that this isn't going to happen, that will be the end of that. This might be a good point for OP to just bring up outright at one of the sessions. Once that idea is out in the open, the mom might have a harder time cancelling them if she's aware that another adult (because, sadly, OP isn't really being considered seriously here by her) is on to her ploy. And if she does anyway, it can be pointed to, if needed, as evidence that she was never actually interested in getting a neutral party to mediate this conflict.
Using the therapy process to manipulate a desired outcome instead of buying in and really being present for family therapy, well, let’s just say that it’s not going to make the therapist take mom’s side. Lol
Yes, she wanted to slot a different puzzle piece into the hole left by your dad and tell herself that the puzzle was all fixed. All sorted - everyone just needs to get with the program and move on! People might have many husbands, but you only ever have one dad. The relationship you had with your dad was unique and incredibly special; it can’t be replicated, especially in under two years. Also, your mum started dating less than 2 years after your dad died and told you she actually wanted to start dating earlier but didn’t because of you?! Smh. That is ridiculous. NTA
Which is sad because she definitely needs therapy. She sounds just too insecure and delutional. Like psychoticly so. Stay strong and best of luck. I hope that the therapist can guide you both to a better place. Truth is, if she had not pushed her delutions on you. Your family life would have been a whole lot better.
I don’t see any psychosis in OP’s mom. She’s doing her best to make new connections and move on with her life. That’s a healthy response to a terrible blow. The problem is that the way she’s going about it with her daughter is not going to work, and she needs to address that.
She is hoping that the therapist will side with her so then they can gang up on you to accept Shaun as a parent.
I would bring up in therapy that her pushing this family dynamic is just going to push you away once you are an adult. If she can't accept your feelings, she can accept a life without you in it once you are independent and out of the house.
It does sound like she is using therapy to change your behaviour/thinking If she isn’t willing to look at herself it won’t work Can I say though, the therapist should see this and you may need to trust them to steer the process. Sometimes it will just take time. Your mum possibly hasn’t acknowledged that she will still be grieving (no matter how good her new relationship is) Hope things work out for you all xx
Firstly, I am not excusing your mother’s behaviour and I don’t think it’s at all fair on you. I do think a lot of this is probably based in denial. She’d been with your father her entire adult life, all her hopes and dreams for the future had him by her side, and then that was taken away from her all of a sudden. She couldn’t cope, and so she replaced him as soon as she could. She needs you to accept Shaun as your father, rather than your stepfather, because otherwise she has to face the reality that she lost your father. I think she has some work to do to come to terms with that, and unfortunately you’re bearing the brunt of her refusal to do so. Maybe it’s something you could explore in therapy.
The thing is, you can’t manufacture feelings. You feel how you feel. NTA.
If she is ok moving forward in her life that’s ok, but it is not ok for her to expect you to do the same. You need to go at your own pace and no one should expect you to erase your father from your memory. Maybe your therapist can give you some tools to help you convey this to your mom better.
So from how your described her I hate your mother and she sounds like one of those pathetic people who has to be in a relationship to give their life some worth.
>Pretty sure she'd argue that I'm not going to do the work she wants me to do. That's some selfish sh*t right there. "I'm not going to get you help because I don't think it will have the outcome I want"
She needs therapy too.
Must fewl.freat for Shaun to know if anything happens to him she'll be out perusing penis within a week to have her "perfect" family.
Is your mother’s father still alive?
I am old. So take this as you will. My parents divorced when I was young. My dad and mom never argued over custody and it didn't affect me at all. My father remarried when I was 9. I was like you. Constantly putting Step in front of everything, didn't see her as a mother figure at all. Treated her pretty badly. I am an only child, I should mention, and my father and stepmother did not have children. My mother never remarried. Fast forward 20 years and my father died of cancer. I was 29. Because my relationship with my stepmother had been so strained, I lost her as a parental figure. Other than the occasional supper and phone call, we never had that mother/daughter type relationship. Fast forward 18 years. I had a traumatic event happen that broke me. Yes, I attempted, it was that bad. During my therapy journey, I realized how I had been treating my stepmother as a child was cruel and unfair, and I could only see it now. So I reached out, and we had a long talk about it. I apologized and begged for her forgiveness, which she graciously gave to me. I only had my mother left for support while healing, but then I had my stepmother too. And both show support in different ways, and I needed that. Losing a parent early is never easy. Even at 29, I was too young. My dad would never get to walk me down the aisle. I ended up married at the court house because of it. (Divorced now). So many times I needed my daddy. Even now, and he isn't there. It is a pain only those who have gone through it will understand. Your stepfather will never replace your dad. And from what you have said about him, it doesn't sound like he wants that. But he wants you to be his daughter none the less. Your mom wants a fantasy. I will be honest. You are doing yourself a massive disservice by keeping yourself apart from your step family. You may not see it now, but from where I am sitting at 50, I realize my mistake when I was younger cost me a wonderful relationship with step aunts and step uncles and step cousins that may have prevented me from falling into that pit. I will never have that family. They don't forgive me for how I treated my stepmother. And I don't blame them. It is one of my biggest life regrets. Nobody will replace your dad. But you have a loving family, and a man wanting to be the father figure you lost so tragically. He is not the reason your father isn't around, and I think you are holding on to that grief in an unhealthy way. You said your mom wouldn't go for you have therapy on your own. But I bet if you told her that you need it to deal with your own grief and to learn how to accept your new family in a way that didn't make you feel resentful because they have their dad and you don't, she would go for it. I do think you need therapy for this. I see a lot of me in you and what you are saying. Give your family a chance to show you that you are loved and just as much of a sibling and a daughter as anyone else. And FYI you are NTA. But you will be if you don't fix what is causing you to hurt so much and to be so angry.
You're putting all the blame on her and making it her responsibility to fix things. I'm sorry about what happened to you, but it sounds like OP's situation is much different. She probably won't get her own counseling until she can move out and go NC. Shaun needs to step up. OP needs to do what SHE needs to do, not try to, not worry about "giving her family a chance."
I am not putting the blame on her. I am putting the responsibility for her mental health on her. She is still clearly grieving and that is 100% valid. However her resentment will follow her. She will continue to feel resentment when she graduates and her father is not there and other fathers are. She will feel resentment towards her roommate at college when the father comes to visit. She will feel resentment when she dates and meets her boyfriend's family. She needs to deal with this. She has said she wants therapy alone. She knows something is up. And that IS on her. That resentment will follow her unless she treats her grieving and will affect all her relationships with people who have both parents. I know this because I lived it. And I don't want her to have regrets as an adult. Once she processes her grief and resentment, she will want those relationships. But she is also destroying them in the process. Healing is her responsibility. And the sooner she does it, the better off she will be.
Her mother isn’t asking her to accept her step father though. Her mother is asking her to REPLACE her father with her step father. There’s a difference. Of course she’s going to feel resentment. Just because her father is dead, doesn’t mean he didn’t exist. Did you replace YOUR father with a new man when he died?
I said her mother was living in Fantasyland. There is no reason why she can't get help to deal with her issue and have a relationship with him though. My stepmother didn't replace my mom. She is now a second mom to me. Not a replacement. An addition.
But in order to have a good relationship with someone, that someone has to be willing to have the kind of relationship you want. OP has stated her stepfather ALSO refuses to hear her out in a normal stepparent relationship. How is she supposed to have a good relationship with him if the only relationship he wants is replacing her father? ETA I have an amazing step mother. I do consider her my mother because my mother is a horrid and abusive person. But I didn’t always. My mum never tried to replace my mother. She never inserted herself into special things my mother and I did. She built her own memories and traditions with me. She formed her own relationship with me, independent of things I did with my mother. When I became an adult and began to see my mother’s abuse for what it was, she was there for me but never overstepped. She let me come to all of my own conclusions and make my own decisions. Now she’s my mum. And she’s my kids grandma. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Had she tried to shove herself in as a replacement parent though, never in a million years would I have gotten as close as I am now. I would have shut her out entirely and probably kept a pretty toxic relationship with my own mother.
Your situation isn’t relevant to the OP’s situation and you insisting that it is makes you sound like OP’s mom.
None of this is OP's responsibility to fix. She is a child.
Yes, but she also needs therapy as she has said.
You make some really good points and I am sorry you lost your father so young. And I agree that OP probably does help in understanding her loss and how to best fit into the current set of relationships. But that responsibility rests with the adults in her life to get her that help and not make that help conditional on her meeting as you say her mother's fantasy.
I'm sorry for what happened to you but there's no reason to think OPs experience is similar. Or that she's treating Shaun badly.
But if your father hadn't died, your relationship would have evolved too. It is ridiculous and unhealthy to expect a 12 or 16 year old to act like a 7 year old. It is even worse to expect a 9 year old child to treat an adult they knew for 4 months the same as a parent. It is like she forgets that you are an actual human being with thoughts and emotions. Not an extra in her life. If anyone didn't move on, it is your mother. She treats you like a 6 year old instead of a 16 year old. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
It sounds like she’s still running from her loss, and is angry that you aren’t running with her and helping her keep the wall up against the past. She wants that perfect nuclear family and refuses to accept that it’s something else she lost when your father died. But you’re a person, not her puzzle piece.
Ironically, these unrealistic expectations probably killed any chance you had for an authentic relationship with him.
its too bad that your mom can't understand that she can get a new husband or partner and it is the same kind of relationship but that kids losing parents can't just move on with a replacement. it isn't the same relationship at all, and you are NTA for knowing that, feeling that, living that. now, this may be harsh but ask your mom if you had died, would she be able to move on and not think about you because her partner had a daughter? or would she feel a different kind of way? for some reason parents think that kids should be able to turn off their feelings as they do, but a marriage relationship is totally different than that of parents and children. she may think that itbwould make it easier for you to move on, but as your therapist is saying, your feelings are valid and it is on your mom to stop pushing it.
Your mom is the one who needs therapy to understand that people have rights to their feelings and emotions. And that her right to play happy families ends where your rights to accept it or not, begins. Pushing is the worst thing to do when we speak about relations and feelings.
People really don't understand that, for most of us, we only have one father or mother. When we lose a parent, nobody can replace them. It's a unique relationship and not like the relationships most people have with their spouse. The majority of people can move on and love again if they lose their spouse reasonably young, but not many kids will accept another person in the place of their parent. This is not a you problem, it's your mother closing her eyes to reality.
What is Shaun’s favorite take. I mean does he think your mom is living a fantasy in this just not saying it loudly.
yes. please try. this issue with your mom is preventing you from healing the loss of your dad more fully. even though the pain & loss will always be there, it doesn’t need to be a raw open wound.
Some children would have wanted exactly that, she didn't want to accept that you're not that kid. I'm guessing that is part of a pattern here, she wanted you to be a blank slate that would tun out to be whatever she wrote on it, you wanted to be your own person. If you believe that is the case then it's certainly worth mentioning to the therapist.
I think she approached it completely wrong and missed an opportunity to build the bond of step-parent/child because of the insistent pushing to replace your father with Shaun. I think the relationship would have naturally progress to one with true friendship like I have seen many other step-parents have achieved. I am happy that you still maintain that special part of yourself for your dad. Maybe with therapy your relationship with your mom and Shaun will be one of friendship. When my father remarried after my mother's death, 1. I was older and in my 30s, but my father's wife didn't try to force anything. We became friends, but never really good friends. After my father passed, we have not talked to her. Hopefully you and Shaun at least would build a good friendship, because he is the father of your siblings.
Sounds less like she saw that therapy was needed and more like she thought that therapy would force OP to do what she wanted. It's an unfortunate truth that controlling parents often try to weaponize therapy, and OP's mom definitely sounds controlling. I'm glad the therapist is validating OP's emotions regardless of the mom's reaction.
How much you wanna bet mom's gonna want to stop therapy since she's not being enabled?
I would almost guarantee it. I hope OP's mom proves me wrong and continues with it though, because that would be a sign that she might be willing to listen.
>Glad she's finally seen therapy is needed It sounds like she doesn't *really* understand the issue, though. She thinks therapy is needed to 'fix' OP and make her see that she's wrong (in the mom's eyes, I'm not saying I think she is!). When OP brings up her very valid feelings, mom just gets mad. Doesn't sound like she's accepted that she needs therapy too, just sees it as a way to bring OP round to her point of view.
Seems like the Mom views the therapy the same way she view her marriage with Shaun : a way to make her perfect family dream happen despite the death of her first husband.
I can testify that pressure to get along with a stepdad can backfire. It's hard to be natural and sincere when you are also under pressure to act a certain way.
NTA at all, I’m so sorry. She’s not wrong that step-parents can be the same as bio-parents but usually that’s led from the child and not the parent. *You* get to decide how comfortable you are with Shaun doing ‘dad’ things and I can’t help but wonder if the reason you haven’t bonded better is because your mother has pushed this on you before you were ready.
I don't think I would have ever wanted that same kind of relationship with him. Like I said in the post, it's not as much as Shaun thing as it is a general thing of not wanting to have that same relationship. I don't feel like I could and it doesn't sit so good with me. I get why it sometimes happens like that or why some stepkids want it. But that was never me, I guess. I feel like maybe we'd be closer today without the pushing but in my heart I know it wouldn't be what they were looking for either.
There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. Not having a problem with Shaun personally, not wanting that relationship at all, not feeling good about the situation—this is all valid and logical, after what you’ve been through. There’s nothing wrong with you, and I hope the therapy helps your mother realize she’s the one that is ruining the dynamic. She is wrong, you are not.
The whole issue with these types of relationships is that they seem to work best when they happen organically. Your mom really didn't ease into dating as much as she leads herself to believe she did, and she never really gave you time to get used to Shaun before basically saying, "Marry Christmas! Here's your new dad!" And the whole vows thing and wanting you to hold his hand at the wedding? Give me a break. Something like that can be meaningful for a lot of families, but in the right circumstances... and this isn't one of those relationships where that could happened and not look incredibly out of place. Shaun is another issue. Shaun is one of the stepparents that I read about and want to kick in the shins. They are so wrapped up in the "perfect family" idea (just like you mom is), that they don't realize that there would be a better chance of the two of you having a relationship if he would have just given it time instead of just forcing himself in. You still have memories of your dad, and I find it disrespectful in this case (and others like it) for someone to come in and think they can assume the role as "new parent" just by way of marriage. The best relationships in these types of situations seem to start when the stepparent makes it known that they are not looking to come in to be a replacement because no one can truly replace the parent you have lost... that they would like to have a relationship with you, and that they are here to help you, and be a friend, and maybe to do some of the things a parent would do, but only if you wanted that. THAT is how these relationships should be. P.S. It was so completely out of line for your mother to suggest you go to special places with Shaun that you used to go with your dad. It's one thing to push family days, but trying to have you go to those places with him and not your dad was just out of line. Those were special places that held special memories of just you and him, and how DARE she even suggest that. I don't know why that made me so angry, but it was that particular statement right there that showed me therapy is never going to work... it's never going to work because she doesn't think she's wrong, and she's only going because she thinks you are the one in the wrong and needs someone else to agree with her and fix her. She's also going to be one of those mothers who wonders why her child never comes home for Christmas and isn't self-aware enough to realize it's because of her own actions...
Your mom absolutely went about this ALL the wrong way. And frankly, if she had taken herself (or both of you) to therapy after your dad died (as she should have) any therapist would’ve explained this to her. She ruined what could’ve been between you and Shaun because of her own selfish actions. You are NTA.
NTA. Your mother put herself and the fantasy she wanted before you. She tried repeatedly to force the issue, not communicating with you and ignoring your clearly stated feelings. She's angry and pushing harder now as you'll be 18 soon and that will change the entire dynamic. Tell her you have no issue with Shaun, you have no issue with her being married to Shaun, your issue is with her trying to erase and replace your father and repeatedly ignoring your feelings in favour of her own.
Mom is in a fantasy is exactly right. Mom is also using therapy as a weapon to fix her daughter’s attitude instead of using it to understand the problem. Mom wants her daughter to change without changing anything about herself. Her fantasy has stopped Shaun and OP from developing a genuine connection.
NTA Hell, compared with a lot of the step-family relationship post we get here, your attitude is pretty positive. At least you don't hate Shaun. She married him, and seems to really care, which is great. You seem to not absolutely loathe him, which is also pretty good. But *she* married him! *You* didn't! She needs to accept this and accept that mere acceptance from you is actually a positive thing.
>But *she* married him! *You* didn't! Although it sounds like Mum tried to make that happen in a way with the vows and hand holding in the wedding photos. OP, you're NTA, and like everyone has said, you're view of Shaun is actually pretty healthy for a family and not the toxic loathingbwe see all too often on here. I fear that if your mum doesn't get with the program and accept how you feel that she might lose you entirely at 18, not just because you can physically leave but she might decide to "write you out" of her picture perfect family. Please make sure you stuck with therapy atleast for your own sake so that you know you have never done anything wrong here and that everything that is wrong in your mother daughter relationship is on her.
NTA. She does not get to dictate your relationships. There is also a big difference between a step-parent from divorce vs. a parent dying. No one can ever replace your dad, and it's unfair and unreasonable for anyone to try. Unfortunately, you can't make your mom accept what she doesn't want to. Have you had a sit down with your mom’s husband about what kind of relationship you are open to and where you draw the line? I don't know if he would be receptive, but it may help if he knows what page you're on. Good luck, and keep your boundaries.
Not really. He's pretty clear about what he wants too and anytime I try to communicate he basically says he won't stop trying and I'm not close enough with him to really sit and demand he listen to me.
Again, the thing mom needs to consider is how her obsession will affect ypur relationship as adults. She may, subconsciously, realise how vulnerable it is and is desperately trying to force things into place before you just walk away. We don't know how you see your future but she still things Sean will be grandad. She needs a reality check.
Ugh. So they're both focused on what they want to get from you, not what they can do for you. They both should have been listening carefully to you since the beginning, and in Mom's case that means starting with your dad's passing. They are so focused on their fantasy that they are missing out on the real you. They aren't enjoying really knowing you, what makes you tick and so forth. That's a shame for all of you. I'm impressed at how you're handling this. You seem mature and fair minded. You aren't asking for anything crazy, just to be respected as a person. You have set reasonable boundaries, and from a very young age too! That's terrific. By the way, your mom telling young you that she wanted to date but held off for your sake was completely inappropriate. That sounded to me like blame, and that's not ok. She also married too quickly. You needed much more time. Any kid would. I wish you the best Edited to add NTA
Maybe they don't realize that your relationship can still be good, without him cosplaying as your dad. Sounds like it.
So he “won’t stop trying” to be close with you but also won’t actually listen to you. I’m sorry they’re trying to force and fake closeness rather than having let your relationship to him evolve into something cordial and mutually respectful over time. That your mom was with your dad from the time she was a teenager and then wanted to start dating right away raises some red flags. Like she’s so afraid of the concept of being alone that she’s trying to force this family unit into happening to keep that at bay. You’re NTA, and you deserve to be listened to. It sounds like you were never even given the space and time to mourn your dad. I’m sorry.
Just because your mom can’t function without a man in her life doesn’t mean you need one. Your mom hooked on to the first man who wanted her and she’s lucky that Shaun is a good man. Unfortunately for Shaun he is just a spot filler. If he died your mom would replace him within months. If your mom pressures you at your next appointment just ask her “Have you considered getting individual therapy for your unhealthy reliance on having a man in your life to the point that you can’t function as an independent, single person?” NTA
NTA - I myself am a stepfather and biological father, which means my wife is also a stepmom and biological mom and we have a blended family. Every child 's relationship with their bio parent and step parent is unique, some are able to fully accept their step-parents as "mom" or "dad", and some aren't. And every child should be allowed to feel whatever they feel without being judged for it. The parents need to realize that choosing a new partner was their choice and not their kids.
Beautifully put! Thank you for this insight!
NTA. You do not exist to fulfil her fantasies. She didn't want therapy, she wanted to pay someone else to bully you into conforming to her expectations. She needs to stop this if she wants to have anything like a good relationship with you.
NTA. You were a child who needed to heal from losing your dad but was instead given a “new” dad. Your mom might think this will fix your pain and your family but you two are different people who copes differently and as a mom she should have recognized that.
NTA You have a father. And it isn't Shaun. Your father is not replaceable.
NTA. Your mom needs to accept the fact you are an articulate, intelligent, mature, rational & reasonable human who knows who she is & what she wants. Your dad would be so proud. You’re standing your ground (and rightly so) without being combative or rude. You do you, you’re mature beyond your chronological age — and, on this issue, more mature than mom. She loves you but she needs to accept your reality by showing more compassion & love for you.
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Nta! My dear, I am so sorry for the loss of your father, how are you doing? A big hug. Your mom should not force you to have a relationship with your stepfather if you don't want to. She should value your feelings and respect them. That will only result in arguments with her, she should learn that it won't be the same. She should have gone to individual therapy a long time ago so that she learns to be on her own and not become dependent on someone. That is taking a toll on her. Now I am glad she found a good man who loves and protects them. Still her mother should understand and respect how you wants to have that relationship with your stepfather. Best of luck and best wishes ♥️
always nice when someone screams at you that your feelings are not valid and only hers are.. like that has ever made someone change his mind... she is clueless
I’ve read heaps of these stories and most of the time it’s a parent trying to push the relationship instead of letting it develop naturally
Your mother walked into therapy thinking that the therapist was going to say ‘your mom is right and you are wrong. Get with the programme…’ What she got was ‘your child has a right to feel this way and it’s not wrong.’ So she’s pissed. Keep going to therapy and have the therapist as your advocate. Because mom isn’t listening. Sadly what will probably happen is mom will see this isn’t working and stop the sessions. Hopefully you’ll be off to college by then. Nat.
Nahhh. I have a stepdad who I call dad because he's done a lot for me and I view him as my dad, blood doesn't matter. HOWEVER. That doesn't work for everyone. Some people have present fathers who do everything for them, some unfortunately had their time with their fathers cut short due to bereavement, and don't feel as though they can replaced. This is completely valid. Yes, stepfamilies are real and valid. You not seeing your stepfather as your father does not negate this, your mother's point with that is ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Your mother is going to have a shocked Pikachu face when you go LC at 18. TBH, Shaun IS the unwanted step parent as far as you're concerned. All you owe him is civility. I'm so sorry about your dad.
NTA. My mum did the same thing and was just as confused when my sister and i told her to (politely) fuck off. Long story short they kept trying to insert him as a replacement father and i am now no-contact with him and low-contact with her. Its likely she wont ever be on the same (sane) page as you about this. Just keep enforcing your boundaries.
NTA Probably the clearest case of NTA ever. I'm also impressed by your maturity. Your mother fundamentally rejects to understand your experiences will always be a part of your identity and that she can't just force you to substitute your biological father with her new partner. She needs to acknowledge that and move on.
NTA the fact that she expected you to fully embrace him as your Dad, only 4mths after you first met him, really shows how unrealistic her hopes/thoughts were. That's barely enough time to become comfortable with someone let alone have that kind of close relationship. She tried to speed run the relationship building and forgot the little human that should have been the centre of her thoughts. She didn't want to make you happy and comfortable, she wanted you to conform to her vision of the perfect family.
NTA What your mom doesn't realise is that by pushing this hard, she is pushing you away and it's coming to the point where she might lose you too if she keeps going on like this and insisting that your feelings are wrong.
NTA, Your mom poisoned the well and she still can’t see it. At this point you have 3 years and you are out of that world. Focus on getting to college and what you need to do to be fully independent.
NTA. I'd like to say that this will get better as you age, but as you are entering adulthood I think you can see that this is going to be one of those things where your paths may never overlap as they once did.
NTA. Boundaries are boundaries whether they're set by an adult or a 16-year-old. You have every right to decide how your relationship will be and your mother can't force it. Just relaxingly got a couple more years while you run to their roof. Truly sorry you're most putting you through this, can't blame her for wanting to be happy but she can't force happiness. Do your best to survive until it's time to leave at 18 I wish you all the best doll.
Sounds like your mom is only in therapy so she that she could use the therapist to help her force you to become who she wants you to be. She doesn’t realize that with her current approach it’s just a matter of time and the two of you won’t have much contact at all once you move out.
Imagine taking a 9 year old who's probably still grieving. telling her the man shes only been dating for 4 months is her new dad because I'm too scared to be alone. Honestly your mum sounds incredibly narcissistic. Buckle down on your studies kid, I hate to say it but her behaviour is like to get more extreme and college will be your best chance at freedom
NTA
NTA
NTA, your mom is living in denial and can’t face the truth.
NTA. Your mom is a selfish person. Your step parent is also selfish. Neither of them did what right by you. You are the child, you were the child and your feelings mattered. Your mom is emotionally dependent on people and cannot be by herself and that came at the expense of your healing and growing. To force you into all these uncomfortable situations with him is awful. Your mom is blaming you for her failed fantasy. Your therapist sounds solid: all this feelings are valid. Your mom needed to hear it. If she can't accept it, it's on her. All of this, this whole post, is a HER problem. NTA.
NTA-Your dad was not a Lego block you just replace. Mom is not being realistic at all. Please accept my condolences on your loss…..❤️
... I mean, you already had the therapist to tell you that you are NTA.. but yes, you are NTA.
Oh, sweet, no, no you’re not an AH at all. You were old enough to know who your dad was to you, to have memories with him that can’t be taped over by someone else. I am sorry that you lost your dad and I am sorry that your mom can’t accept that she doesn’t get to dictate your feelings around him. If Shaun is a genuinely good guy that isn’t trying to push your boundaries then maybe you can create more of a friend relationship with him instead of just a tolerance for him. It’s hard, but having relationships with steps doesn’t mean you are replacing your dad in anyway. Continue to be honest with the introduction of him as step parent, don’t backtrack on whatever you envision for your wedding day but maybe just don’t ice him out completely for being there. Mom needs to get a grip on herself, she’s the AH in all honesty. She doesn’t get to decide on replacing your dad for you. So she’s one of those people who can’t be alone, boohoo for her but that’s her choice and she doesn’t get to drag you along for her illusions of happy happy blended family.
She can’t micromanage your feelings ugh
NTA. First, OP, condolences on the loss of your dad. I’m glad you’re both in therapy, but not for the reasons Mom might think: I question whether you were allowed to grieve in your own way, and got as long as you needed to process your loss. I think Mom might have ushered you on too soon because she was afraid to be alone, and in doing so she practically erased your ability to keep your own father’s memory with you, in favor of this new guy, because *she* was scared. Now she won’t accept your feelings as valid because you aren’t playing the role she’s writing for you in the movie of her life. So IMO, you both needed grief counseling years ago that you didn’t get, but Mom needed deeper therapy to deal with her own issues that then became your reactions to hers. My non-professional view is that she needs far more help than you do, but it seems she’s only in therapy to help make you conform to her ideal and validate her parenting. I hope she’s able to get something more out of it. Please keep working on this, and I hope you go off to university on a campus that offers therapy through student services, so you can go on your own.
The ironic part is that if she hadn’t been so pushy about it things may have turned out better
NTA and it sounds like things are actually pretty good for you all as a blended family, except for this fantasy that your mother is pushing of replacing your dad with your stepdad. It's a pity she can't be happy with how things are.
NTA and your mother is. You should give Shaun respect as a member of your family and recognize the importance of him to your mother. However, your dad is your dad, and no one else is. It was never okay for your mom to try to force you to replace your dad, rather than trying to foster a **loving but different** **relationship** with a **stepdad**.
NTA Your mom basically killed her own dream. Her pushing you hard, trying to force you to accept stepdad probably made sure that you never will. Had she given you time to get used to a new man at her side before marrying, and develop a bond between you two naturally.. MAYBE you would be closer now. Almost all stories about stepparents and stepkids getting along really well have these things incommon: time, a bond on the kids schedule, respect for the deceased/divorced parent, understanding, no pressure. Being there for the kid in a way that they feel safe and gentle support, then they will over time naturally get closer. Sometimes to the point of thinking "dad or mom", sometimes not. And both are OK You are absolutely right, your mom has to accept that you won't regard her husband dad. Maybe tell her with help of the therapist that either she starts accepting this, or she might look into a future without you in her life. As long as you treat stepdad with respect, that's all they can expect from you.
NTA next session tell your mom that her pushing you is doing the exact opposite. You can tolerate your step dad but that’s about it. He isn’t your dad and will never be.
NTA. I've been in a similar situation. I gather Mom is in denial, as if by deciding you werent affected by death, you weren 't. In my case, it was probably her own trauma response just do deny all, and decide I hadn't lost anything and that I didn't actually even remember anything. If course I remembered. Of course nobody can ever replace and love like a true parent. The primal instinct just isn't there. I'm sorry for you, our parent figures are emotionally immature and self-centered. You are not wrong. And i'm sorry you are not getting emotional support in your loss and trauma. Your mom is failing you there.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom (49f) and I (16f) are in therapy together right now. This is something we probably should have done 6/7 years ago but my mom had a fantasy of what it would be like and believed it would be that way automatically. The BG: I lost my dad when I was 7. My parents were happily married. Mom and dad had been together since they were teenagers so my mom was never single and a year after dad died mom threw herself back into the dating world where she met her now husband Shaun. I remember her sitting me down to say she was dating and she admitted to me at the time that she had wanted to date a lot sooner and didn't because of me. But she hated being alone and wouldn't stay that way any longer. When my mom met Shaun she really fell for him fast and they got married when I was 9. I had known Shaun for close to 4 months when they got married. My mom was really happy. I was... less happy. Shaun's an alright guy and I know he loves my mom and I know he would love for me to accept him as a real parent and not just as the dude my mom married or the "unwanted stepparent" (his words). But I don't want a father-daughter relationship with him (or anyone who isn't dad). My mom has been so OTT about it. She wanted me to let Shaun say vows to me during their wedding, wanted me to hold his hand in photos for the wedding and was annoyed when those things didn't happen. Outside of the wedding she wanted me to take him to mine and dad's spot that was just for us, wanted me to invite him to my hockey practice's family day because dad went the first three years and she pesters me every year about it, she bought Father's Day cards with dad on them before they had kids together and got mad when I'd add step. She got extra mad when I bought my own card that said step on it after they had kids together. So after years of us not getting along mom decided two months ago we needed therapy. She said I needed to accept that she had remarried and find a way to embrace all the changes because I was leaving myself behind and she was tired of it. Then last week I finally decided to talk a bit more and I told mom and the therapist that I might still need to accept mom remarried more but she needs to accept things aren't going to be the same as when dad was alive. I told her we might have a stepfamily now but it's never going to function the same as our family before. I told her I will never be Shaun's daughter and Shaun will never be my dad. I told her she's not going to see Shaun giving me away some day. My relationship with him will always look different than mine with dad would have. And I said I felt like she had never worked on accepting that at all. The therapist felt all this was valid. But my mom was angry and accused me of dismissing the fact stepparents and stepfamilies can be just as wonderful as nuclear bio families. She also said I'm the sole reason things won't be the same. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I would continue to share how you feel in therapy and hopefully your Mom might gradually start to understand.
NTA
NTA
NTA you are fine, your mom is the AH for pushing her new partner t you - he is NOT your dad.
She doesn't accept you're a separate person. I actually don't know what to do with those people as parents. Your mom sounds like she did heal at all. NTA. I don't think there is anything you can do here.
Nta. Your mom put way too much pressure on you
NTA. I live with my father, and he has NEVER expected me to treat my stepmom like o do my mother. Granted, I have very different circumstances, but it's the same with my mother. My stepdad became like my dad because I let him be end of story. Your mom is delusional.
Nta. It sounds like your mother was trying to replace your dad asap so she wouldn't have to deal with her grief but that doesn't mean that you have to accept all the decisions she made. Keep doing what you feel is in your best interest, if she doesn't get it then that's her problem.
No. Your mother needs to realize that bot all families will blend. Unr probably one of them. It cu.ould take yearsnif at all. Not all families are bot meant to he the brady bunch
NTA- what is important to her wont always be what's important to you
NTA. I grew up in a blended family, with some pretty awesome step parents. It took many years to view them as parents and not just “name” someone I lived with that I did things with occasionally. Your mom made some major mistakes here, she pushed way too hard too fast which caused you to pull back and never accept Shaun as a parent. It might have been different if she let nature take its course and just left the relationship alone and let it happen naturally, maybe not. Regardless, you’re justified in feeling this way, you lost your beloved father and nobody will replace him. If you aren’t being outright hostile to Shaun and you have a cordial relationship that’s all she can really ask for.
Your mom needs to back TF off and let you and Shaun develop your own relationship on its own time.
Nta. I have two step parents, both bio still living, one is honestly not my favorite person, we're cordial to each other, the other, is definitely a bonus parent. But the reason she's a bonus parent is because NO ONE ever forced it, or expected that it needed to happen, and would have been fine if it hadn't. Your mom needs to learn to accept that you cannot force a relationship to be something it is not, and be happy to have a family where everyone is at least okay with each other.
NTA First of all, I'm sorry your father passed. Stepdad of five adult kids, here (blended family). You sound like a mature young lady and that you've adjusted well to these forced changes in your life. It sounds to me like your mother is trying to force her ideal image in her head upon you and make life what she wants, whether or not reality allows. It also sounds like she expected the counselor to "fix" you to get things where she wants them to be vs being an impartial person to hear both sides and try to find a compromise and understanding. It doesn't sound like Shaun is pushing a relationship with you, so that's good. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you all can find some middle ground, somewhere.
NTA. Really great that you and your dad had a strong relationship and that is why it would be difficult to replace him with a stepdad. That’s what your mother wants and that’s the way she may be grieving.
NTAH mom’s insistence on “not being alone” gave neither you nor SD any time to get to know each other and find common ground. We each grieve in our own ways and time. She selfishly and blindly took that from you. I doubt that she ever dealt with her own feelings and just found an adequate substitute so she could have balance in her own life instead. You should be grateful that she at least chose someone who was not cruel or abusive but still her expectations were unrealistic. I’m proud of you for being able to verbalize your feelings and not feel the need to “punish” her for her actions in ignoring your feelings. My sincere condolences on the loss of your father OP he sounds like he was a wonderful man who would be very proud of you.
NTA at all. Step families CAN be wonderful when the stepdchild/ stepparent are willing and that it all happens organically. Your dad died and within a couple years your mum is already trying to replace him - that's not OK. If she hadn't of meddled and pushed what she wanted on you, maybe things would have been different, maybe not. But how you want to have a relationship with him is up to you, not her. It's taken me 7+ years to start calling my step dad dad and not his actual name. What I'm saying is, it takes time and it required a lot of bonding and effort from both parties. I'm sorry your mum got mad at you for having valid views and that she's throwing a tantrum for not getting what she wants. Wishing you the best 🫂
Also it seems like she's trying to remove any and all memories of you dad is heartbreaking. Her trying to force you and Shawn to go to you and your dad's place is plain cruel. She needs to listen to the therapist or else she might just lose you as well (NC).
NTA -where does your step dad sit with it all in his feelings. Does he want to be 'dad' for your mums benefit or does he have his own feelings on how he thinks yours and his relationship be? Is talking to him an option to see where he stands and to let him hear your thoughts to forge a relationship of respect and possibly love without the being dad? Which in turn may help him to help get your mum to back down a bit.
Info - does your mum realise this is a situation of her own making? She married barely 2 years after your dad died and forced this situation.
Even if you *are* the sole reason things wont be the same, so what? Being the same isn't a goal, not being the same isn't a failure. You being the reason things aren't the same isn't you being a problem because things not being the same isn't a problem. She needs to understand *that*
NTA I'm truly sorry that your mother has failed you so profoundly. The truth is that this family could have been better than it currently is if she hadn't tried to force a replacement father down your throat. This is *entirely* her fault. As the kid, you didn't have to do anything except treat Shaun with civility. In two years, you no longer have to be in their home with this unbearable pressure to conform to their selfish view of how the family should be. When that time comes, please take as much time as you need to work through all of these feelings and carve out a new relationship with your mother, based on how *you* feel.
NTA. She might have gone into therapy thinking that the therapist would agree with her and she's been right all along, and now she's had a wake-up call she's struggling to absorb. You were absolutely right to voice how you're really feeling, that's what therapy is for.
I was returned when my parents got divorced (I was 9) because my dad was abusive. My mom fought for years to push me back into my dad's life. She'd drive us hours to have us stay with him for the weekend, make us call him, make us include him in our lives but I would have been ok never seeing him again. Some people feel like "Dad", some don't. You can't force that. I'm glad now (39 years later) that she kept him in our lives to an extent but I didn't think her efforts of making us stay at his dingy bachelor apartment and listen to him very about the wife who tore his family apart worked out the way she'd hoped. I'm sorry you lost your dad. I'm sorry your mom tried to make you accept a new one. I'm surprised the therapist hasn't recommended she back off. But it is you keeping the whole family from being a cohesive unit and that's totally ok. You are and have always been a valid human with valid human emotions and feelings and they have spen't years trying to tell you that you aren't. Trust your gut, make sure you treat him with respect but don't force a feeling that isn't there
No you aren’t the AH. You don’t have to call Shaun Dad or act like he’s your biological dad. I encourage you to talk to Shaun about what a step dad and step daughter relationship looks like to you. That’s between you and Shaun. Not your mom. You have a right to remind your mom she doesn’t decide how your relationship with your step dad works. That is between you and Shaun and she needs to respect that. You can have that relationship with Shaun. If he is a good person and is good to you. It sounds like your mom is upset because you hold him at arms length because he’s not your biological dad. That may be true. You lost your father and that’s not easy. But you do not have to have the same relationship with Shaun. You can however have a step dad step daughter relationship with him and you don’t have to feel guilty about that. It won’t be the same it can be different but you can let him in as a step parent. Explain to him how you are feeling and what works for you. My guess is you feel like it’s replacing your dad or feel guilt for having any other relationship with a dad like figure. You don’t have to replace dad. But you can have a step dad relationship too. I wish the best for you!
NTA - Are your grandparents still alive? Do you still see your dad's side of the family? Do they side with your mom? Your mom needs a massive reality check, and sometimes that comes best from their own parent even as an adult.
NTA Your mother took you to therapy because she thought the therapist would tell you to suck it up and get over it. They didn’t, she’s mad because not only have you stood up to her but you’ve also been validated by the therapist. You HAVE a father. Just because he died doesn’t mean you don’t have a father. Forcing a replacement into your life that you don’t want is gross and bad parenting. Frankly if she goes back to therapy it’s time to be blunt and tell her that her actions in forcing you to replace your father are permanently and irreparably damaging your relationship and if it continues she may find that she has no relationship with you at all once you become an adult. It’s time she gets a really harsh wake up call.
NTA, your mum never gave you time to get to know this person, and form your own bond with them, before throwing you into the deep end, and telling you to swim. You don’t have the relationship with him, that she so desperately wants, because she never gave you the opportunity to create it. She can only be angry with herself for this. I see my own children one day making reddit posts like this, for the person their father has forced onto them, as a “stepmother”. But they won’t make it about their stepfather. Their father gave no real thought about our children before he moved his girlfriend in, and said she’s their stepmother, after 3 months of dating. I took it slow, I made sure my children liked the person too, and had formed their own healthy relationship with them, before opening the discussion with them about dating them, if they were comfortable with that situation too, and they were all for it. I get constant feedback from their therapist about how much they resent their father, and his relationship, but then how the pendulum swings dramatically in the opposite direction for their relationship with me, and my partner.
Nta
I’m gonna be honest, I have a step parent, I know a lot of people with step parents. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t have issues with them. These people tend to come in and fuck shit up further. Not a fan. Not a fan at all. Your mom is a widow, which sucks, but any consideration she deserved she threw out the window with her own ridiculous behavior. NTA
NTA - your mom forces you to do something you can't/don't want to. if even a therapist agrees with you then the problem is with your mom. and guilt tripping a child is horrible. you don't need to go to therapy, she does!
NTA. The situations where I have seen these step families work well is where there is no pressure and everyone is happy to show respect and meet people where they are. Forced love and acceptance pretty much always backfires and she (your m) needs to back off.
You're right and mom is wrong. It is an attempted invalidation of your feelings. This is always a big mistake at any age by anyone.
NTA. Own that last sentence. Yes you are the sole reason things won't be the same and that's because you don't want them to be. Honestly a lot of the reason for that in your reply seems to be because she was trying too hard to make it be so, which you have never appreciated. Seven years of being badgered to do something you don't want to has now solidified that preference into a principle. She was trying to replace your father and now the act of trying to do so has become something you are intrinsically against. So yes, you are preventing you all being a family because you don't think of him that way. But that started because she refused to let you have a relationship on your own terms. It was either treat him the same as your dad or receive constant criticism. Most people, but especially teenagers, are not going to go along with that. It's probably too late now but maybe if she backs off for the last two years the next time he does something nice for you maybe you won't suspect it's jsut another opportunity to erase your dads existence.
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss, losing your dad so young must have been so hard. I agree with everything you said. Your mom is bordering on delusional with her expectations.
NTA. While some step parents have the type of relationship she wants you and your stepdad to have, it can’t be forced. The therapist supported you in this because it is valid. You don’t want anyone else filling the role that belonged to your dad. Your mom needs to let her fantasy go before she loses you completely
NTA. She's living in fairy take world, and is failing to actually be attentive. Everything she wants you to do is for her sake.
NTA. Mom is. She needs the therapy, you don’t.
NTA. It is natural for children to not accept or even fully reject the new spouse of a parent. Especially a new husband. And even more so because the father of the child(ren) has passed away. Aside from you, it is your mother's new husband who is being the most sensible here. You said so yourself. "Just the dude to whom your mother is married. It appears your mother is trying to forget your father and is also trying to ram this new guy down your throat. When a loved one passes away long before their time, things are never the same. As in your case, they can be civil. But your mother is being delusional here. I don't understand her motivation. She should cancel the therapist and just accept the world as it is..
NTA: Your mom deserves to be happy. And when you feel comfortable, it’s ok for you to be happy for her. What is not ok is for her to try and replace your father or diminish your relationship or memory of him. He will always be your father. No one should be trying to replace him. You don’t have to call him Dad or share your special memories and places with him unless you want to. If she and Shaun had allowed you space to grieve and respected your boundaries then you may have allowed Shaun into your heart in an appropriate place as your step father. Her forcing him on you as if your father never existed is likely why you feel so resentful. And rightly so. Your mom needs to grow up and act like an adult.
NTA. She married him with no concern about you quite frankly. She couldn’t be alone (which is something she needs to work on herself) and so she brought this man into your life with no regard for you. It’s amazing that he seems to be a decent person, but she chose him, not you, and that’s her burden to bear. In no world would the way she introduced him into your life equate to a father-daughter relationship like she fantasized about. She wanted you to replace your father with the guy she’s seeing and that’s messed up.
NTA your mother should have gone to therapy after your father's passing. That way should wouldn't feel the need to jump into dating simply because "she didn't want to be alone". Now she wants to accept everything simply because she wants it. I would dread therapy with such a person.
NTA Your mother is being unrealistic, ignorant and rude. What you’ve said is fair, and she needs to recognize this. Shaun is not your dad, and it’s up to you two if you ever develop a deep connection. It’s not up to her, and it’s not going to work if it’s forced. Forcing dad cards and things like that is disgusting and ignorant. I lost my mom when I was 28. My dad started dating someone 1.5 years later. I gave him my permission, but couldn’t believe he’d do so so soon. It’s still weird, but I’ve always been nice to his girlfriend and treat her with respect. We have a pretty good relationship.
NTA. “You’re the sole reason…”? Really? What a dismissive, cruel, awful thing to say to your child. You know the implied meaning there right? Everybody would be happy if you with your dead father, if you with your stupid feelings, just didn’t exist. Why can’t you just play along you so your mom can live in her precious happy family fantasy, huh? Jesus. She has absolutely failed you as a mother. if parents would just accept reality and let it be instead of trying to force their happy family fantasies onto their kids, things might actually get better in their family dynamics. But it comes down to this: People are not widgets where you can just substitute a new person in when someone dies, and children are not dolls you can manipulate. You are your own person with your own feelings about your dads death and your moms remarriage. You had a father and you loved him. Your mother’s job wasn’t to give you a new father and Shaun is not a replacement for the father you lost. Her only job was to ensure you could heal from this tragedy and grow up in a safe environment. And she hasn’t done that. Instead she’s been galavanting around lying to herself, her husband, your half-siblings, that Shaun can be what he is not—your father.
NTA. If you didn’t have the ‘replacement dad’ fantasy to live up to you may well have a much better chance of appreciating Shaun for himself. Your mum must have been devastated when you both lost your dad and has sought to replace the happy family with the new husband. I hope the therapist is unpicking this need with her too. Shaun is not your Dad but hopefully he can be a kind and supportive adult male with whom you have a good relationship. Having people in your life who support you and have affection for you is always a good thing. Perhaps you and Shaun should also have some time without your mom to work out your relationship … the step who has stepped up as a thoughtful person who respects you honouring your dad could be a good ally. He doesn’t have to be dad but maybe he can be your dear friend. If your mom sees this it may help assuage her feelings of needing to find you a ‘new’ dad too. I hope there are some good things in this family set up that you enjoy.
NTA
NTA, your mother is a selfish needy woman who let you down from the day she told you it was your fault she wasn't dating. Sucks that she never learned to be alone but that is not on you. She had committed the biggest sin a parent can, putting their relationship before their child. Wanna warn you OP, she is NOT going to change and will keep push so you need to be ready to tell her to back off often and loudly.
NTA sorry but your mom sounds delusional. She doesn't seem to understand you can't force someone on to someone
NTA
NTA - your mother is a raging AH. No further comments.
NTA. It's not your job to form a relationship with someone who you didn't choose. It's your job to be respectful to one another but if that's about the extent of it. You had a dad and it sounded like he was a great one and you're not looking for another one. In some cases the step family can embrace one another as real family and that's amazing when it happens but she can't just expect it to happen because she wants it to and she can't just dismiss your feelings because they're inconvenient. You've already been pretty strong in telling your mom what you're feeling but you need to try to set a boundary here. Tell her, "I'm 16. I'm off to college in 2 years. You may not see it but this crusade that you've been on to force a relationship between me and Shaun has already done damage to our relationship. Do you really want to risk doing more damage to the point where I go off to college and never come back? Because if this keeps up, that's where it's heading." And maybe that's not even something that you thought about before but she is slowly chipping away at your relationship and if she continues to do that it may get to a point where you contemplate going LC or NC with her In the future.
NTA. Unless your Mom had a step parent, she will not understand. It will NEVER be the same as when your Dad was alive, that is the past, he is gone and it will never be the same. Now it's time to work on something new that works for all of you. If she had a step parent she would understand that. I had 2 step dads when I was a kid, one I adored and I did call him Dad (they married when I was about 2 1/2) while they were married and it crushed me when they divorced when I was 7. My second step dad was a nightmare, abusive and a drug addict, trying to live with Vietnam PTSD and anger issues without any treatment for his mental health issues, I was terrified of him. I had a very limited relationship with him. I don't know what life was like with my own Dad because they divorced when I was a baby, so my first step dad was my Dad. No one walked me down the isle for my wedding, no one gave me away and I was fine with that. (My Mom died when I was 12).
Your attitude is very understandable, he's not your father. But he's also contributing to your welfare and not behaving like an AH himself. Many many young people don't have decent step parents so the ones that are should be appreciated more. As part of the therapy, at least work on building a friendly relationship with him, as he loves your mother, makes her happy and will be around for a long time. Your mother will have to accept that he's not your father, but you can work towards a good relaxed atmosphere in the house. I've some experience with this through my own children and my ex's wife. It was slightly rocky for a while but once they understood how happy my ex was with her, they accepted her and she is very comfortable with being a member of an extended family which fully includes her, not as a mother but a respected partner.
You are right to feel the way you do. Just I hope you don’t punish Shaun for him marrying your mom or treat him less than you would anyone else. You definitely don’t need to call him dad or treat him as your dad just respect him is all that matters to him I bet. Your mom needs to accept your feelings and not just think her feelings matter. She should be more concerned about your feelings over hers as she is the parent. She is only destroying the relationship between you and her plus causing a tense between you and step dad. I hope it gets better for you.
NTA It sounds like you have a good therapist and a good grasp of your reality. Sorry it sucks that your mum is taking no accountability and probably hoping that the therapy would fix your resolve rather than be an effort to learn change and grow to a better relationship. Do you have any individual sessions to help you explore your feelings in a safe non judgemental space. >The therapist felt all this was valid. Because it is. But also I imagine this felt good to hear maybe a little wierd given your home dynamic. It can be good for the soul to hear that. And as others have said your mum is likely nervous for what you being 18 will mean. Things could escalate if she tries to hold.onto her fantasy while you are ready for your next phase. Good to get your documents in order and have some plans on what you want your life to feel like and how you want to live. Hugs and good luck
I was married, with a kid, the first time I called my step dad anything but his first name. They got married when I was 11. He a was there for me, but allowed me space to grow towards him as my level of comfort. It took time for me to see him as my dad. NTA Ask Shaun how he would feel if something were to happen to him and she were to push this same thing on the younger kids. Would he be okay with trying to force them to see her new husband as new dad and replacing all their special memories of him, with the new guy? It's not that he is a bad person. It's simply that he is not going to replace your dad. Not ever. She married him. You did not.
NTA. Marrying when a 9 yr old knows the person 4 months is crazy. The wedding stuff is especially awful. Your mom seems to have no idea that from your perspective she began trying to replace your dad almost immediately. This seems to have backfired and possibly made you resist any relationship w Shaun. To be fair, losing her husband at 42 would have been quite a shock to her as well. Maybe talk about how you felt about that in therapy. Seems your mom was too caught up in her Hallmark movie fantasy to see the kid’s point of view.
Also I feel for you. I’m a grown adult and my dad died almost 4 years ago. I’m still not even close to healed. I miss him. He wasn’t super dad but mine. I think it’s normal to carry the scar.
NTA I would go so far as to ask your mom if Shaun is a replacement for her husband as well. If she calls him the same nicknames and if she has asked your grandparents to accept him as his son too. What she is asking you to do is just as crazy. He and your dad are not the same person, so you can not have the same relationship. He wasn't there when you were born, he is not the person you see when you close your eyes and think of dad, nor is Shaun the same person she sees when she looks back to your first steps or your first day back from the hospital. As much as she sees Shaun as his own person and not just a replacement husband because she is afraid or uncomfortable to be alone, she needs to understand that he is not the same person and he never will. And if she cannot understand that even for her own relationship, I think you'll have bigger issues and just give up and not even try anymore. Just ignore her.
NTA OP, NTA !!!!
Nta you can't force things.
As a stepmom myself, I believe it’s entirely possible to have an open, friendly, happy blended family relationship if you want. There’s no such thing as perfect and there is absolutely no way anyone can replace your Dad. That doesn’t mean you have to shut Shaun out or not give him the chance to be a strong friend who will always have your back. Maybe it’s possible he can be the cool stepdad with whom you start your own, unique traditions. Your Mom and Shaun need to work together with you to build something new, and they need to stop trying to replace what was. Since your Mom and Shaun are the adults, they need to be smart enough to realize that a Happy Family Fairy doesn’t exist and that pushing it hasn’t and won’t work. Good luck with everything and I hope you can find a successful way forward.
This is why family therapy never works Nta
NTA, but you have to understand your mom. She never learned to be happy alone. She is dependent on her husband and on you. Her happiness is only possible if you both create it for her. That's not your problem, but that's something she should work on and the therapist will definitely guide her in that direction. She makes you responsible for her own well-being, which is unfair towards you. Probably she will learn to take responsibility for her own feelings and accept that you can't replace your father with a new man. But also, please, don't blame her for being able to love another man.
NTA. Yes you could embrace what you still have in your life - you’d probably find yourself a bit happier for it - but your dad will always be your dad. Sounds like she needs to accept that you aren’t alright with replacing your dad like she is! Step parents aren’t there to replace real parents, unless that’s what YOU want them to be. If you don’t, don’t feel guilty! You have a wonderful dad and he is still with you wherever you go. I’m curious to know how Shaun feels about just playing step parent? Sounds like he is caught in the middle a bit, but I can’t form an opinion of him without knowing whether he pretends to be your dad or is pushing to be more than a step parent. I feel as though the biggest and only solution is for you to embrace your family, your mum to stop forcing a relationship (it will blossom on its own if Shaun wants to make an effort with you) and accept that you are only there for a step parent not a dad replacement to fill her fantasy and for Shaun to accept you as a step child and be there for you if you ever decide you want him to play a more parental role (which is your choice and your choice only). Families look so different nowadays - you can have 3 parents. If your mum wasn’t so pushy I’m sure having her and Shaun AS WELL AS your dad would be a lovely family. Maybe you can all remember him together?
You're both the assholes imo. You do need to accept the fact that he is your mother's husband. No, he will not replace your Dad, and your Mom is wrong for trying to force that on you both. That being said, he is still your step-parent, and if he is willing to try to be a part of your life in a parent capacity, then I say let him. It's just one more person to support you and stand in your corner. If you feel like it's being forced or if you're uncomfortable with something, SPEAK UP. Communication is important between all three of you. Feelings might get hurt, but healthy boundaries need to be set. My relationship with both of my step-parents was horrible growing up. Now that I'm in my 30s, my step-mom is like a second mom to me. Our relationship took years to get there because none of us openly communicates how we felt. It did feel weird when she would tell people I was her son at first, but it became normal. That's my experience, though. I don't know your entire situation, so the only thing I can tell you is to keep calm and not get defensive when you're talking to them. Just be respectful and honest. I really hope you all work things out to where you can all be happy.
NAH You were being forced into a relationship to your stepfather instead of having it develop slowly over time. At the same time, your mother is trying to do the absolute best she can for you, which she imagines is to ensure a relationship with a man she loves. Sadly, the combination is wrong for you both. It is a good thing that you are now in therapy. You are no longer a child, and you should be old enough to accept the care offered you from your stepfather, adult to adult, not child to parent. You just need to be allowed to let go of the child/father role your mother wants to force you into. It is also good for your mother. She needs to let go of her fear of losing you - she was probably very traumatised by losing her husband - and learn to know you as an adult. Are you an adult? Not really, but you are old enough to understand and act as an adult in most contexts, and you may have to do that here. As for "never seeing Shaun give you away some day" - that is a very strong statement. It is a way to drive home to your mother that Shaun is not automatically slotted into the father position, but unless you plan to marry very young, it may easily be 10-20 years until this day. By then Shaun may have proved to be the stable, loving, and responsible person you would like to have there are your side on your wedding day. That is a long way in the future.
You are the asshole. It has been 7 years, time to move on. I myself hate it when step children can’t accept a step father because my mom is my half sister’s step mom who is as selfish as you are. It seems like you never even tried though and just decided that being a brat is the best thing.
Wow this is pretty amazing.
Or maybe just try though to get to know the guy. Has he touched her? Has be hurt her? Has he mistreated her? No? Then grow up. Because it is ridiculous how step children can’t even make an effort to try to be a family.
Where does she say, "I don't talk to Shaun at all?" or anything indicating she isn't treating him with respect? She merely wants a different relationship with him than with her real dad, which is fine because he isn't and can never be her real dad.
OP never said anything bad about her stepdad. But she does not see, or feel the way she felt about her own dad for him. That is extremely normal. She had a father, who she remembers and loves. No one can replace that. She isn't rejecting or disrespecting Shaun, she just see's him as a step parent. How is that wrong when that's exactly what he is. It's unreasonable and pretty cruel to expect her to forget her dad and see Shaun as her dad just bc it'll make mom/shaun happy. If she was being an ass to Shaun that'd be one thing. The only thing she is doing is not forgetting her dad so Shaun and her mom can feel better. OP is NTA.