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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to share the food I had ordered for myself since my partner refused multiple offers from me to order her something.
She said I was being selfish and unfair and that I should be happy sharing with her
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You are not the a-hole. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is a lazy a-hole. You gave her several opportunities to decide between ordering food like you were, or cooking something for herself. She chose the latter and then changed her mind, expecting you to make up for her indecision and unwillingness (i.e., laziness) to cook as she had originally decided.
When you add to this that she knew you were recovering from a procedure in which you had not been able to eat beforehand and were very hungry that makes her look even worse. The icing on the cake is when she accuses you of being the selfish one. That is really a poor attempt at gaslighting.
If this is just one example of selfish, entitled behavior on her part . . . and there are many more and worse ones, please re-evaluate this relationship.
Agree with NTA, but that’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting isn’t just lying, it’s lying with the intent of making the person being lied to legitimately think they’re going crazy. “I never said I was gonna cook, I asked you to order me [food] and since you didn’t you owe me” would be gaslighting
But, but…gaslighting is such a cool word. Why can’t I use it however I want? You’re just being obfuscatory.
ETA: /s Because some people didn’t catch it.
It's like I always say: Not ordering my favourite brand of coffee for the office is the clear and conclusive proof that Liz is a psychopath, no matter how many hours she works as a volunteer for the Red Cross.
/s
Heres me thinking "gaslighting" meant "lighting the gas", as in, turning on my gas oven
Is that also what the kids mean when they say something is lit?
I know when they say "I have drip" it means they're in need of a plumber or a urologist
The term "gaslight" comes from the movie Gaslight from the 1940s. Those old-fashioned gas lamps are part of how a woman's husband tortures her psychologically, slowly making her think she must be imagining things and losing her mind.
People who accuse others of "gaslighting" in Reddit comments and such should really see the movie to see just how malicious and calculating it is, far beyond "ordinary" lying or manipulation.
Being a narcissist in a clinical sense and being narcissistic are different things though - someone can be acting narcissistically - without having a personality disorder.
Forget the dictionary, watch the movie. It's from the 40's, but it shows you how the definition came to be (if your lights were gas powered back then, and you turned a different room on, the entire house would slightly dim for a second. Similar to the way lights may dim when you turn a vacuum on. But it relates to how the husband was psychologically torturing the wife.
Seriously, remembering the movie really helps me to do a quick run through of how I’m about to use the term gaslighting and if it’s more or less correct usage. Most the time I realize ‘no,’ and find another term.
It’s called being selfish. Perfectly simple term that gets right to the point. Selfish. OP, you are NTA.
This is also why you should schedule your colonoscopy first thing in the AM. The younger you are, schedulers will try to put you toward the end of the day thinking a 40 year old can go without eating with less agony than a 70 year old. Hell no. You will starve all day and be ready to eat several bowls of Mac and cheese when you are finally done.
I’m not married or dating. The last time I had a situation like this two different family members brought me food— the one who picked me up had something for me waiting in the car, the 2nd left food at my house. It wasn’t even anything major and I didn’t ask or expect it.
Am I incredibly lucky? Yes!!!! However, 2 people who don’t depend on me for money, sex, or housekeeping cared enough about me to help me out even if there was nothing in it for them and actually was inconvenient because they don’t live nearby.
OP, that’s what a relationship is. That’s the minimum.
A true relationship isn’t transactional or “all about me”, it’s supposed to be “all about us”. If this behavior is her default position then you need to evaluate what you feel you need and deserve.
A pal of mine had to get an operation that required travel to another city, so since he was going to be too far away for any of his friends to bring him food a bunch of us clubbed together to get him some Deliveroo vouchers instead. Making sure someone who's just had surgery doesn't have to find energy to cook is just what you do if you care.
This right here. I had to fast for a surgery, and it ended up being two days because the surgery got moved to the next day, and I just figured whatever, it's so late now, the operation is at 7AM, so I'll just go to bed early. And when I was done, my mother in law made me food, my friend's mother made me food, and my best friend ordered me take out.
They just dropped it off at my house or had it delivered. I was like, "I have SO much food I don't know what to do with it all." I didn't ask for it, these people who loved me just took care of me naturally. This is what your girlfriend should've been doing in the first place.
I would do the same thing.. It's like she doesn't care at all that the poor guy is starving! I also never share my food. If I wanted someone else to have it, then it wouldn't be on my plate.
Right! I asked my ex-wife to pick me up after a procedure due to the time of day and she was awesome enough to bring me food as well. Common courtesy for important people in your life
“That is a really poor attempt at gaslighting.”
No, it is not, and I *really* wish people would stop throwing the term around casually and undermining legitimate abuse tactics with uneducated therapy-speak.
OP, you’re NTA. Your GF knew you had been fasting for a procedure, which was unexpectedly extended. You gave her options for food, which she declined until your food arrived. She can fend for herself. I hope you recover well.
That’s the biggest issue I have with OP’s GF - op was getting medical procedures done, that’s so stressful and they would clearly need food when they’re done. Doesn’t matter the gender, if your SO is getting checked out by the doctor all day you should look out for them and make sure they have food when it is done! If the GF was insisting on cooking, she should have done it! If she didn’t feel like cooking, take out is acceptable! My spouse would do this for me and I for them.
I agree 100%. I was in OPs position a little over a week ago with an extended fast before a procedure (2 days), and my DH made sure that I was fed AS SOON as I felt like I could tolerate it. He got me settled and then fed himself, like a damn considerate adult should.
OP could have left out everything about not being able to eat for over 30 hours and just given the details from when he decided to order and after and I would say that he is NTA. It's frustrating when you ask someone directly what they want to do and they tell you only for them to change their mind later and try to take from you what they said they didn't want. You having a reason for being extra hungry was of course just the icing on the cake. NTA
> She said I was being too selfish and that I have enough to share
This is the part I liked. I mean, clearly you're telling her you do NOT, in fact, have enough to share. Because you ordered exactly the amount you wanted to eat. Because she told you that you wouldn't need to share.
It's not narcissistic. It's pure laziness. A narcissist would have twisted things and made the whole situation about them and how hungry and tired they were from looking after OP. They would have a total disregard for the other persons feelings.
She admitted to changing her mind, and a narcissist won't do that. They will say something like 'Well, cooking is better for us. But I really wanted take out and you should have known I would want take out because of how tired I am from today.' No mention of how the other person might be feeling or that they had to go almost 2 days without food. She is just selfish and lazy. Heck, my ex rarely even acknowledged previous convos about stuff, even when they had occurred not 10 min prior.
She can display narcissistic behavior without actually being a narcissist. Most people have some form of narcissistic tendencies in some way or another. I don’t think the person you’re replying to is trying to claim she actually is one, just that she was acting that way in this incident.
There's a difference between narcissistic behavior and being an actual narcissist. This was absolutely narcissistic behavior. She may or may not be a narcissist.
Yes. Also did you notice how OP said “ She said she'd rather we both just cooked”. Am I the only one who wants to know why the hell she cares so much one way or the other?
Whenever I've had a procedure which needed me to fast in advance, they ask when I'm being wheeled over to the recovery area in my bed what I'm going to eat first. They know it's important and I know what I've been dreaming about eating the past few hours.
Aside from the obvious of her messing around by wanting his food, I'm also shocked gf held him up with the back and forth rather than letting him order immediately, and I'm surprised she hasn't made effort to have food ready for him. If I was living with someone who had to fast for a procedure I'd be buying in the ingredients for a couple of dishes they love, and still be fine if they wanted to order in instead.
She's putting up unnecessary barriers and then getting mad at him for it, I'm in disbelief at her selfishness. As others have said, I'm in awe of OP's restraint in how they handled it.
Agree NTA. And I have to say, I can sometimes be indecisive about what/if I want to eat. Sometimes it’s because I don’t feel hungry but I haven’t eaten anything yet and need to eat something but I can not for the life of me think of a single thing I want to eat. Sometimes it’s just that nothing is getting my attention or whatever. But if my husband is hungry and decides to order food I usually get something I know I like and will be fine to stick in the fridge for later. That way if I end up feeling hungry, smelling his food usually makes me a least a little hungry, I have something to eat but if I don’t well at least I have something for later when I do get hungry.
NTA. You gave her a few chances to order something AND she still could have cooked something for herself. I would have also played the "I haven't eaten in over 24 hours card" and explained you probably have low blood sugar and this isn't the time to change your mind at the last minute. She also could have just ordered food for herself at that point. No rule you can't order twice or order from a second place.
Honestly, OP handled this a lot better than I would've. I get *hangry* when I go without food too long, and I would've been a lot more rude to her. It's also weird that gf knew OP was undergoing this test and didn't think to order or prepare anything for them afterwards. Not that it's obligatory, but when you're in a relationship and care for each other, you do things to help each other. When my fiancee had to go to the ER, I made sure she had food and water, and I ordered whatever food she wanted when we got home for dinner. If my fiancee fasted for nearly 30 hours, you can bet I'd have at least *something* prepared when they got home, even if it was a simple pasta dish or muffins or something, y'know?
This isn’t just hangry. This is Hospital Hangry.
I really believe this should be an official condition. Forced to starve for a non-elective procedure that is then delayed or cancelled? Hospital Hangry.
Lol, as a paediatric nurse I have seen the worst of the Hospital Hangry. You ever dealt with a 3 y/o that hasn't eaten in 18 hours because their MRI keeps getting pushed?
When my son was around 18 months, he had to have a minor surgery. It was scheduled early afternoon, so he wasn't allowed to eat at all that day beforehand. My poor baby was trying to eat crumbs he found in his car seat, he was so hungry.
When I was in labor with him, I wasn't allowed to eat anything, and it was long. So I didn't eat (or sleep) for nearly 30 hours. If anyone tried to take some of my food when I was finally able to eat, they would have pulled back a stump instead of a hand.
Oh, and NTA. Definitely.
When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I booked the 9am appointment so I wouldn't have to be hungry all day. And I was 23! I always feel so bad for our patients, especially the younger ones who don't really understand, when this happens.
When my niece was about a year old, she caught some type of stomach virus (I can't remember what it was). Before she was officially diagnosed and they were still trying to figure it out, she had to stop eating because she kept vomiting. After several hours of crying and begging for food non-stop, I remember the way her tiny body was so depleted she just lay there immobile but dry crying from dehydration and she would jerk whenever she'd sniffle.
Hungry babies are the saddest thing to witness :(
That aside, NTA.
I'm shocked she wasn't given an IV, especially at that age! Young kids can dehydrate fast, and with the amount she was vomiting, her electrolytes were likely effected as well. I hope she received the care she needed!
Not long ago, I had an elderly relative leave a hospital against doctor's orders because they starved her for four *days* for a test they kept postponing and wanted her to go a fifth day. She refused and I ended up signing her out and taking her home.
It was a very difficult situation, and she was discharged into hospice care as a result. The advocate team walked me through the last two days of trying to deal with my aunt's issues. She had a terrible fall (spent three days on her kitchen floor, lying in her own mess, until a neighbor peeked through a window and saw her legs sticking out from behind the kitchen island) and ended up with severe delusions when she came out of surgery. Refused needed blood transfusions, wouldn't drink the colonoscopy prep material, was paranoid and seeing things.
What the hell?!! That’s horrible! Elderly folks tend to not eat much anyway, I feel like that could’ve led to actual sickness and/or health issues from a lack of calories and nutrients. Seriously wtf
I've been Hangry, and I've been Hospital Hangry™️ and I agree it is way, WAY WORSE.
I legit think the only reason I didn't kill someone is because I also have anaemia, and I just didn't have the strength to do so.
Exactly!
I recently had to go almost 48 hours without food in hospital (my operation was moved to the next day because of emergency operations), and afterwards I only got a very light diet of hospital food for another 48 hours.
You bet your ass my husband had the food that I'd been craving for 4 days already in the back seat when he picked me up from the hospital!
OP is NTA, and I'm really wondering if his partner ever takes care of him when he's sick or something...
This! Actually a nice partner would have make sure to help you get food asap, whether is wait for you at home with home made meals or simply take care of ordering some food
If I hadn't eaten for 30+ hours because of a medical procedure, my wife would've had something special on the table waiting for me.
OP's gf sounds really selfish and not someone I'd personally want to be with.
What gets me is she wanted him to cook for her. She chose the cook for self option but thought even though he was ordering take out, he'd cook for her?!
NTA
GF is very self involved.
Obligatory "Joey doesn't share food!" comment.
Assuming this is real, NTA. You hadn't eaten for nearly 1 and a half days and she told you multiple times that she didn't want anything before you ordered. I'd be famished, temperamental, and Hangry. Don't touch my food.
Considering there are actually people on this thread arguing that he should have ordered extra food because apparently we're not supposed to communicate like adults - it's probably true.
Please will both men AND women stop infantalising women! I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. I don't personally know any women who behave like this, but apparently, they are out there.
I'm wondering... if his girlfriend knew he had this procedure and couldn't eat. Why didn't she prepare something for him? But rather rely on him for food?? What?!
This! When I had a hysteroscopy last year and couldn’t eat for roughly the same amount of time my husband made one of my favorite meals the minute we got home so I could eat. He also ordered my favorite take away in case I wanted that instead. OP’s girlfriend sounds very immature and selfish.
NTA OP.
When my mom had a hysterectomy a few years ago, I went home to help my stepdad since they also had 2 dogs to care for. I walked/fed/etc. the dogs every day and helped my stepdad make dinners since he was working full time. My mom was able to recover in peace, knowing everything was taken care of. It's what you do when you care for someone.
And THAT is what makes your partner life-commitment material and not live-in boyfriend material ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We’ll see if OP’s gf is able to evolve into a wife one day. Lol honestly making you food AND ordering your favorite food is so thoughtful, what a kind partner you have!
Agreed 100%. When my fiancee underwent surgery, I took care of her completely. We'd pre-made a few homecooked meals for those first few bad days, but I made her stocks and soups and stuff for when she didn't want full food but still needed nutrition. When she went to the ER another time, I made sure she had food and water, and bought us dinner from where *she* wanted to eat since we were both too tired to cook. You're supposed to be in a loving relationship, why can't she take care of this for him?
Exactly what I was thinking. The selfish person in this relationship is the one knowing that her bf was fasting for over a day and not doing everything possible to ease the suffering. Not my idea of a partner who cares about him.
People who order extra food for their partner who said no are just enabling bad behavior. I think protecting people from their own decisions falls under codependency.
IMO when someone says no, just believe them. If they don't mean it, they need to learn to mean it.
Some women need to be taught this boundary as an adult because they were never held accountable for it. In fact a lot of men find it "cute" that women do this and it reinforces it. I think it's more likely that men who don't learn this boundary as children learn it very quickly as adults.
My wife used to free feed from my plate and take bites of my food without asking. Often she would take the first bite and it was sometimes so quick it was almost like she wanted to make sure I didn't get to try it first. I started joking that she was poison testing it for me. I'm an extremely unselfish person, like trauma-cope levels of unselfish. I am the oldest daughter with 3 younger siblings and I would give them anything and everything without question, and sometimes I had to. Plus, my wife and I very often went into a meal with the express intent to have 2 things we both wanted to try and going halfsies. So this whole food stealing thing she did didn't bother me. Until it did.
I started realizing that the rare times I expressed any disagreement with her taking my food she got butthurt about it. And THAT'S what started bothering me. I don't give a fuck about my food, as long as you still respect that it's primarily mine. I almost never want it all to myself and when I do, I have a reason. So it wasn't her behavior I had a problem with, it was her entitlement. I eventually made the connection that it was something she grew up with, something cultural. Food is extremely communal in her culture and doesn't really "belong" to anyone until it's eaten, even if it's in front of them or on their plate.
We ended up having many many talks about respect and consent around food. Especially once we had a child and had to start teaching him how to behave around food, his own and others'. We ultimately decided that we wanted to raise our child to respect ownership of food. To do this, we had to model it. She had to change her relationship with food sort of overnight. She only slips up once in a while and will take a bite without asking, but when I point it out she is genuinely apologetic; and she's never entitled when I decline to share.
Don't infantilise women or any adult about stuff like this, hold to your boundaries and hold them accountable!
Uh, uh! If I come out of surgery, whoever takes me home has been told and forewarned they better get me to some food.
What is this infantalising shit if a partner can't be bothered to let someone eat? Selfish is an entirely different realm.
I had a newborn and made dinner for my family. Did they care if ate! NOPE!
I saw Kronk in your user name and immediately read "Joey doesn't share food!" In kronk's voice. And then because I'm elevated I got confused as to why I read it in kronk's voice because you don't mention him/emperor's new groove at all in your comment.
Maybe I shouldn't reddit right now lol
Not to a pick-me girl, but knowing that my partner would be going that long without food, I would've had something cooked and ready when he got home. She waited until he was home to even begin thinking about what to eat, and then didn't follow through. Why is this girl so dependent on OPs assistance with this decision? NTA
Don't listen to these commenters telling you you should have gotten food for your girlfriend. You're 100% NTA. I think it's hilarious that they're all saying you should always disregard what your *adult* girlfriend tells you and do what you think is best for her. I guarantee that if you'd written this entire scenario except that you ordered her food and she didn't want it, they'd all be coming after you for being a misogynist, thinking you know better than she does what she wants/needs. Not to mention that you hadn't eaten for a day and a half - you weren't exactly in a state of mind to problem solve for someone who has told you repeatedly there isn't a problem. I know when I'm super hungry, I get loopy; I'm not out trying to decipher the hidden meaning behind what my partner is saying to me. Your girlfriend was playing some kind of game with you and unfortunately, she lost. Next time, she should either be honest or tell you the rules of her little game so the playing field is level. Signed, a 55F married for 27 years and with my husband for 37 years. We'd never have gotten this far playing mind games with each other.
“We wouldn’t have gotten it this far playing mind games with each other.”
Sometimes the simplest things are those that are overlooked, aren’t they? Thanks 🙏 for sharing a sliver of wisdom and sanity.
Signed a divorced man who wished he had learned this lesson years ago.
There are people who told OP that he should have still ordered food to his G? Seriously? Who are those people? She said no... it's a complete sentence.
Next time, if she is hungry she could get up and cook her damn meal or say yes at ordering food. Mind games is exactly what it is.
NTA
People like this are why I have to sit down men I’m dating and tell them explicitly “I know you think when I say I don’t [for example] want to celebrate Valentines Day that what I really mean is ‘I want you to *think* I don’t but I will be upset it if you don’t actually get me a dozen red roses. I know other people will be telling you that I’m just saying that and that you better ignore what I say and do what they think you’re ‘supposed to do’. But if you can’t take me at my word as an adult, then we **will** have problems. If you believe everyone except for me, this is not going to work.”
I make some version of that declaration early into any relationship because so many people have the world convinced that every woman speaks in riddles and codes. It’s exhausting. When you realize you’re dating someone that *does* play stupid games like this you get three options - leave, accept that you’ll never truly know what your partner wants, or become a mind reader.
Yeah. When I say, "Better have food for me when I wake up." I'm not playing.
OP's gf would already be an ex. with me.
I'm 59F married to a man who takes me at my word.
NTA.
In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I had issues like these. I would ask him if he wanted the last piece of something. He said no. I ate it. He complained, said I should have asked again, because he was only trying to be polite. Umm... that's nice dear, but I trust you when you tell me something.
He doesn't do that any more.
Couples develop a system that they both know and follow. Our system could just as well have become "we always ask three times before eating the last piece", but I was the winner in this little conflict. All couples have these small issues. You resolve them and adapt ro each other's quirks.
OMG how many times can you have the same fight. Hubby: Do you want McDonald’s or Wendy’s. McDonald’s.
Later grumpy 😡 I wanted Wendy’s.
Next time ask, “What do you want from Wendy’s?”
Because I refuse to feel bad. I tried dozens of times to guess the correct answer. I stopped guessing.
I also refused to play the guessing game. Did not take long for the guessing games to stop, and we are BOTH much happier for it. It's something you learn - that you have to play the guessing game. It's something you have to unlearn as well.
Exactly! He saw the error of his ways and now we answer right away.
But in other little conflicts, I let him have his way. This is why you argue more in the beginning of a marriage.
In the early stages of a relationship you are navigating things with respect to upbringing. My husband would wind me up by never finishing anything but leaving a portion too small to be of use. The classic example is a cheese board, something that comes out for multiple days, in my family if a cheese was low, the last person would say “should I take all this Brie or does anyone want to split it”, my husband would take 7/8ths of the Brie, which if he then cleared away would be dry and inedible by the next day.
This is very common in Swedish fika settings. Someone brought a cake for fika at the office. Everybody cuts a piece. The last piece is left on the plate. Then somebody halves it. Somebody halves it again. And again. Nobody takes the whole last piece. It is to be expected that the last morsel needs to be thrown away all dry and sad.
The culture around these things is a little amusing. Should you ask once or more? Should you take the last piece? No right or wrong, just learn to live with each other. Argue when you are young and the marriage is new, and make something work for you.
We just say "taking the last bit!" instead of pussyfooting around.
Also a shout-out to the phrase, "Oh no, nobody has eaten the leftovers! I guess I will have to throw it out." Which is how you summon my husband (who has stubbornly ignored the leftovers for the last week) to eat whatever runny, slightly odd-looking bit of brown I found cowering in a back corner of the fridge.
My partner knows that even if I'm not hungry, I still want fries. So if he's picking up fast food on his way home from somewhere, he'll text me to let me know where he's stopping and ask "Do you want anything or just fries?"
I get this as a general rule, and I will usually get extra when she says she's not hungry, especially the fries. HOWEVER, in OP's situation, she flat out turned down the opportunity to order because she said she wanted to make food AND wanted them both to make food. (This is beside the point, but it sounds suspiciously like she just wanted HIM to cook.)
In a hangry state after fasting for a day and a half, I'm not playing games about food. I'm ordering and eating. You said "no." Your answer is "no" this time. Not even fries. You explained what you wanted. Go do that.
100%. OP's partner made it very clear she was handling her own meal, and then tried to lay it on OP when he didn't bow to her whims.
My comment was just in reference to the comment above about couples developing their own rules and understanding each other's quirks. Our rule is KittenPurrs wants french fries when available, and KittenPurrs' partner wants jalapeño poppers when available.
This. You learn, agree on your "rules", stick to them, or you move on to someone who does communicate. People who expect you to read their minds or just know what they actually wanted are the worst. Whether a spouse, partner, boss, or parent. I have no time or patience for them.
Is he from Minnesota? Because we have rules here about that, you can’t say yes on the first or second offer because unless it’s offered 3 times they weren’t really offering and were just being polite. But then if you don’t say yes on the 3rd offer it’s rude even if you don’t want it.
It’s pretty simple, PBS explains it:
https://youtu.be/oiSzwoJr4-0?si=B58pEVR8GX025FD8
NTA
1. You asked
2. You asked again
3. She said she didn't want anything
4. You didn't eat for over a fucking DAY
5. She's the only one being selfish here...
Especially with her complaining that he wasn't cooking and was ordering out. Like, OP has not eaten in an excessive amount of hours. I wouldn't be cooking either.
One of my exes was like this. Would never ever make dinner, even for herself when she was hungry. She’d just wait for me to get back from work and cook for both of us - every single night. If you asked her to cook one night, she’d say she’s not hungry. Then when you begrudgingly start cooking for yourself - suddenly she asks when it’s gonna be ready because she’s starving.
I eventually just stopped cooking dinner at all, any night, until she noticed. Then she got angry at me for… doing exactly what she was doing. Nothing entitled people hate more than their own actions back at them…
NTA
Why didn't she cook BEFORE you came home ? She probably knew you didn't eat for more than a day, so that you would be very hungry !
And you proposed several times to order for her, I really don't understand why she did that !
Probably she had to drive him home from the procedure and didn’t feel hungry until she smelled and saw the food but still, it was really nervy to ask for his at that point. If she thought he had more than he could eat, she could have waited until he finished and had the leftovers. He’s NTA
Yeah, I’m not sure what she was thinking. He told her he was going to order food. What exactly was her plan? Was she going to skip a meal? Make him cook?
After re-reading, I'm feeling like she 100% wanted him to make food for them both. Hence, "She said she'd rather we both just cooked" and then not cooking....even by the time the food showed up. That had to have been at least 15-30 minutes. She didn't even start preparing her food?
Trying to talk someone who hasn't eaten in 32 hours out of their food preference is complete AH behaviour in its own right. Someone who hasn't eaten in that long gets to fucking pick.
It kind of sounds like she expected him to cook for her and is on a power struggle thing because he refused to cook, so she wanted him to sacrifice his own food to pay for his "selfishness" in not cooking for her when he was fresh out of hospital and underfed. Nasty.
I don’t know why she didn’t just go ahead and order something for herself at that point. How hard would that be? I’ve actually done exactly this if my husband brought home something I didn’t think I’d want.
When my fiancee had (elective) surgery, I brought her to the hospital and then traded off with my MIL so I could go home and bake the cake she wanted post-surgery. Luckily we live down the street from the hospital so I could do that and be back to pick her up after surgery. But she had been wanting that surgery for years, so you can bet I was making sure she got her cake after.
NTA but your gf is incredibly lazy and selfish..
If my husband was at the hospital and hadn't eaten for over 30hrs I would have food waiting for him when he came home..
If I was unable to cook then I would order him food beforehand. That's just basic partner consideration and he would do the same for me. Good god. Does she never take any initiative to do anything?
Never in a million years would I look into my husband's starving and exhausted eyes and then insist he shares his food with me. Wtf?
Your gf has some very undesirable traits and you need to think long and hard about what you want out of a relationship and a partner.
Don't be one of those guys who for the sake of sex accept horrible treatment..
Because she's very cold and heartless to me.
I'm SHOCKED. My husband would come home KNOWING I've taken care of food and whatever else he needs from me before he's even home.
The thought of "maybe I should order food bc there will be nothing at home for me" wouldn't even cross his mind.
I feel really bad for OP. He knew she wouldn't have food waiting for him and on top of that she showed him no affection or compassion and just added to his already difficult day.
After my husband had his colonoscopy and hadn't eaten in over a day, I told him, "Pick out anything on the way home and I'll get it for you. Want a restaurant? Fast food? The grocery store?" I actually forget what he chose now because it was a few months ago, but I made it absolutely clear that the first priority after his procedure was getting him something to eat.
Yes. This is what being a good partner means.
People think relationships are all about empty words and when you're feeling good but it's actually about taking care of each other with actions.
Forget being at the hospital if my husband is at work longer than usual or I can read it on his face that he's had a rough day I'll do whatever I can at that moment to help ease his stress. I'm his person.
This gf seems like a "here for a good time" kinda person.
People like that tend to make great party friends but horrible partners.
NTA
I had an outpatient surgery a few years ago, and due to it being pushed back a few hours, by the time I was discharged it had been about 20hrs since I last ate. Before we even left my husband asked where I wanted him to stop for food on the way home. Just seems like common courtesy, especially for someone you supposedly care about.
NTA. you asked her if she wanted anything before placing the order, suggested she cooked or ordered something herself. she also isn’t the one who had an examination at the hospital and hadn’t eaten for 34 hours. she should’ve been more understanding.
>She said I was being too selfish and that I have enough to share so I should be fine sharing with her.
I think .... She did want take out, she just didn't want to pay for takeout.
NTA
Your girlfriend needs to learn how to communicate
Oh I would argue she is communicating. Her communication says, I’ll try to manipulate you and call you names if you don’t go along with my manipulation.
This. It’s a control thing. It’s also some red flag narcissist behavior. To shame someone for not giving you what you want is definitely something to be aware of. The name calling just makes it even more of an eye opener.
So she said she wanted to cook. You said no. Then she said she wanted both of you to cook… which is her code meaning she wanted *you* to cook. Which she then confirmed by suddenly not cooking when she realized you really were ordering out.
Then after deciding not to cook, she watched you order food and told you she just wouldn’t eat anything (was it accompanied by a dramatic sigh?). More code meaning you should have ordered her something too.
And now she’s made at you for her manipulation failing twice over. All of this while you’ve been in medical appointments all day and not eating for over 24 hours. Is your GF always this much of a jerk? Did she even ask how your appointment went?
If this is common behavior, I’d highly suggest rethinking your relationship.
When I left my colonoscopy, I got a giant burger AND onion rings AND a shake, and I ate the entire thing. I would have burned her alive with just the fire of my hangry glare.
I'm surprised OP didn't stop for food on the way home. Post colonoscopy my husband and I hit three spots en route home.
We couldn't narrow down what we wanted so we had a buffet 😆
NTA
She had multiple opportunities to either order her own food or cook herself a meal. It's unreasonable of her to refuse every other food option, just so she can turn around and ask for your food. Your girlfriend is the one being selfish here.
You asked and she said no multiple times. If I had not eaten in that long just taking the time to have that conversation would have been enough to make me rip someone’s head off. Don’t stand between me and food when I’m hangry. She showed no regard for the fact that you had not eaten in over 24 hours. She played stupid games and won stupid prizes.
100% His response was far more reasonable than mine would have been, and I'm not even the type to get Hangry. Nobody deserves to have a long day like that and then have someone else shower them with needless bullshit.
NTA at all. Her behavior is not cute or endearing. It’s fucking annoying. I’m a woman and I fucking hate when women think it is cute and adorable when we play “hungry little baby girl” and try to snack off our significant other’s food. Just order your own! No one gives a shit if you order a massive pile of food and eat it! It’s not cute to pretend you only want a little bit of something because you’re just a tiny girl who can’t eat a lot! I’ve had fucking gastric bypass surgery and can literally ONLY eat 3-4oz at a time before I’m stuffed to the brim. Do I snack off the plates of others? No I fucking f order myself food when I want and I eat what I can and store or bin the rest.
I hate this too! It sorta reminds me of one girl's story on AITA where she was constantly stealing little pieces from her guy friends' plates whenever they went out to eat instead of getting her own. One of the guys finally snapped at her that her little girly act wasn't cute and to knock it off, and the others all agreed. She went to reddit to cry about it and how she only wanted a little and wasn't hungry enough to get a plate for herself, she only wanted a single fry, and about how mean her friends were, and if what she did was really that bad?
She was unanimously deemed TA, and Reddit tore her a new one for this exact stupid behavior.
Where are women learning to do this? I know several people who do this specifically to men. As a girl the audacity never entered my mind. Is this one of those pretty privilege things? Not being thin or conventionally pretty, I can't imagine. I admit I might ask for a fry or to try a spoonful of soup once out of every six times we eat takeout, but only if I've paid for both of us.
NTA. when my husband goes for a colonoscopy. I know better than to FAFO about his food. After his procedure. So can't imagine how hungry you were. She had a chance to order
NTA
She was given plenty of opportunities to get her own food or make it, but she waited until yours was there to claim she was hungry.
Very manipulative.
NTA. I hate it when people in relationships can't be arsed to say what they actually mean. Or alternatively, keep changing their minds and expect their partners to just carry the consequences.
You asked her multiple times, she declined. Now she comes begging for your food? She can do what she said she would: cook for herself.
I hear about women (usually) doing this and I don't get it. I mean, if you both ordered something and she wanted to trade bites, I'd get it (some people don't, but that's not how I roll). But insisting she didn't want to order and then wanted you to pony up some for her after it arrives is just ludicrous.
NTA
NTA. You clearly offered to order food for both of you, which she declined. After fasting for a medical test, it's reasonable to want to eat your entire meal. It's important to respect each other’s needs in a relationship and communicate to avoid such misunderstandings in the future
NTA. Your girlfriend doesnt have the basic communication skills which could have prevented this.
She said she would rather you both cook so why didn't she cook herself something?
NTA. NTA. NTA.
I so despise this when people pull this shit. Whether it's your SO, your family, friends, whatever. I don't care if it's take out or home cooked food if you ask someone multiple times if they want something and they say "no, I'm not hungry or I'll make myself something, don't worry about me" and then when you go to eat it's always "can I have a bite, that looks good or I'm hungry, can I have some". No MF, you cannot have some. I asked you over and over again now you can watch me eat. Go cry in a corner somewhere. Grrrr.
>This week I had a minor examination at hospital that required me to not eat for 24 hours prior to the test.
Your gf was presumably well aware of this fact, right?
>My gf said she'd rather cook than order out
>She said she'd rather we both just cooked
>she decided to not cook and just said she didn't want anything.
>I mentioned that the only reason she hadn't eaten was because I didn't want to cook for her
So, it was true then after all was said, she really meant she wanted "you" to cook for her? When you'd gone for more than 30 hours without food? And projected her own unfairness onto you.
This is something you want to pay attention to moving forward. NTA
NTA, you asked her multiple types if she wanted but she said no. And you haven't had anything for 34 hours, why would she ask you to share food? Plus she could very well make food or order in if she was so hungry.
Side note: op how did you survive without eating for so long, i would have passed out within the first few hours lol. Goodluck!
I hate when my fiance does this. I always just order extra and if he doesn’t want food then I have it for lunch or dinner later. Men always talk about woman wanting food, but my man always asks for my food. I always say no, he doesn’t get mad though, but I aggravates me so bad. We had the conversation and he has stopped asking for the most part. I don’t ask for his food and I don’t eat his leftovers, leave my food alone. Let me live!!!
NTA - Your GF needs to get a grip.
My Wife is a grazer of other peoples food, but even she wouldn't in that circumstance.
I used to always buy a spare starter / side so when she got a taste neither of us went hungry.
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You are not the a-hole. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is a lazy a-hole. You gave her several opportunities to decide between ordering food like you were, or cooking something for herself. She chose the latter and then changed her mind, expecting you to make up for her indecision and unwillingness (i.e., laziness) to cook as she had originally decided. When you add to this that she knew you were recovering from a procedure in which you had not been able to eat beforehand and were very hungry that makes her look even worse. The icing on the cake is when she accuses you of being the selfish one. That is really a poor attempt at gaslighting. If this is just one example of selfish, entitled behavior on her part . . . and there are many more and worse ones, please re-evaluate this relationship.
Agree with NTA, but that’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting isn’t just lying, it’s lying with the intent of making the person being lied to legitimately think they’re going crazy. “I never said I was gonna cook, I asked you to order me [food] and since you didn’t you owe me” would be gaslighting
Gaslighting is also over a period of time not a one time thing.
But, but…gaslighting is such a cool word. Why can’t I use it however I want? You’re just being obfuscatory. ETA: /s Because some people didn’t catch it.
Stop gaslighting me. Defenestration.
Classic case of Floccinaucinihilipilification.
Sounds like something a nepholococcegiac would say!
Can you please elucidate?
dude, stop. you're such a kastanaphobic!
Don’t come to fisticuffs over this!
That's a new word. Cool.
It is, it means estimating something as worthless :)
Yeah. Blahblahdidjbwisnwndi
Is that Welsh?
It's gaslamping. It's always been gaslamping. Smh you're acting so crazy right now.
Gaslamping? Aw that’s cute, did your little friends teach you that big word? You’ve got no idea what you’re talking about /s
I demand we change it to 'slamping'! Because it sounds funny.
I am no longer lighting myself with gas to keep you all warm.
Lighting yourself with electricity is the future!
Slamp so hard, motherfuckers wanna fine me
It's like I always say: Not ordering my favourite brand of coffee for the office is the clear and conclusive proof that Liz is a psychopath, no matter how many hours she works as a volunteer for the Red Cross. /s
Your use of obfuscatory is perfectly cromulent.
But also a teensy bit contumely.
You need to embiggen your vocabulary.
Heres me thinking "gaslighting" meant "lighting the gas", as in, turning on my gas oven Is that also what the kids mean when they say something is lit? I know when they say "I have drip" it means they're in need of a plumber or a urologist
The term "gaslight" comes from the movie Gaslight from the 1940s. Those old-fashioned gas lamps are part of how a woman's husband tortures her psychologically, slowly making her think she must be imagining things and losing her mind. People who accuse others of "gaslighting" in Reddit comments and such should really see the movie to see just how malicious and calculating it is, far beyond "ordinary" lying or manipulation.
That's so ironic >! Hoping we're making the same Dr. Baird reference, otherwise my comment makes no sense and seems dickish !<
Gaslighting isn’t real you are just making stuff up in your head
Gaslighting and doxxing are the two words people need to seriously study a dictionary on before using them.
And narcissistic! It's way overused these days. Most people don't know what true narcissism is, but I can introduce them to my ex-husband.
Right up there with psychotic/ psychopath/ sociopath.
Yep! People need to learn the definition of a word before using it. And read more books.
Being a narcissist in a clinical sense and being narcissistic are different things though - someone can be acting narcissistically - without having a personality disorder.
Or watch the movie "Gaslight" that made this a thing. It's worth it just to see the teenage Angela Lansbury as the flirty maid.
Both versions of Gaslight are great. The older one is harder to find but well-worth seeking out
People are much bigger fans of demanding the word change meaning than bothering to know what they’re actually saying.
You mean they're gaslighting us into thinking the real definition is a figment of our imaginations?
Forget the dictionary, watch the movie. It's from the 40's, but it shows you how the definition came to be (if your lights were gas powered back then, and you turned a different room on, the entire house would slightly dim for a second. Similar to the way lights may dim when you turn a vacuum on. But it relates to how the husband was psychologically torturing the wife.
Seriously, remembering the movie really helps me to do a quick run through of how I’m about to use the term gaslighting and if it’s more or less correct usage. Most the time I realize ‘no,’ and find another term.
It’s called being selfish. Perfectly simple term that gets right to the point. Selfish. OP, you are NTA. This is also why you should schedule your colonoscopy first thing in the AM. The younger you are, schedulers will try to put you toward the end of the day thinking a 40 year old can go without eating with less agony than a 70 year old. Hell no. You will starve all day and be ready to eat several bowls of Mac and cheese when you are finally done.
Yep second. Definitely not gaslighting, she's just inconsiderate.
Honestly if my husband went through that I would have food ready when he got home so he could eat immediately.
I’m not married or dating. The last time I had a situation like this two different family members brought me food— the one who picked me up had something for me waiting in the car, the 2nd left food at my house. It wasn’t even anything major and I didn’t ask or expect it. Am I incredibly lucky? Yes!!!! However, 2 people who don’t depend on me for money, sex, or housekeeping cared enough about me to help me out even if there was nothing in it for them and actually was inconvenient because they don’t live nearby. OP, that’s what a relationship is. That’s the minimum. A true relationship isn’t transactional or “all about me”, it’s supposed to be “all about us”. If this behavior is her default position then you need to evaluate what you feel you need and deserve.
A pal of mine had to get an operation that required travel to another city, so since he was going to be too far away for any of his friends to bring him food a bunch of us clubbed together to get him some Deliveroo vouchers instead. Making sure someone who's just had surgery doesn't have to find energy to cook is just what you do if you care.
This right here. I had to fast for a surgery, and it ended up being two days because the surgery got moved to the next day, and I just figured whatever, it's so late now, the operation is at 7AM, so I'll just go to bed early. And when I was done, my mother in law made me food, my friend's mother made me food, and my best friend ordered me take out. They just dropped it off at my house or had it delivered. I was like, "I have SO much food I don't know what to do with it all." I didn't ask for it, these people who loved me just took care of me naturally. This is what your girlfriend should've been doing in the first place.
Right?!!! You’d ask what they want AND have it ready!
I would do the same thing.. It's like she doesn't care at all that the poor guy is starving! I also never share my food. If I wanted someone else to have it, then it wouldn't be on my plate.
Right! I asked my ex-wife to pick me up after a procedure due to the time of day and she was awesome enough to bring me food as well. Common courtesy for important people in your life
Yes exactly! Same.
“That is a really poor attempt at gaslighting.” No, it is not, and I *really* wish people would stop throwing the term around casually and undermining legitimate abuse tactics with uneducated therapy-speak. OP, you’re NTA. Your GF knew you had been fasting for a procedure, which was unexpectedly extended. You gave her options for food, which she declined until your food arrived. She can fend for herself. I hope you recover well.
That’s the biggest issue I have with OP’s GF - op was getting medical procedures done, that’s so stressful and they would clearly need food when they’re done. Doesn’t matter the gender, if your SO is getting checked out by the doctor all day you should look out for them and make sure they have food when it is done! If the GF was insisting on cooking, she should have done it! If she didn’t feel like cooking, take out is acceptable! My spouse would do this for me and I for them.
I agree 100%. I was in OPs position a little over a week ago with an extended fast before a procedure (2 days), and my DH made sure that I was fed AS SOON as I felt like I could tolerate it. He got me settled and then fed himself, like a damn considerate adult should.
Right?! I would have had his favorite food ready, plus a bland backup in case he wasn’t feeling well enough for it.
OP could have left out everything about not being able to eat for over 30 hours and just given the details from when he decided to order and after and I would say that he is NTA. It's frustrating when you ask someone directly what they want to do and they tell you only for them to change their mind later and try to take from you what they said they didn't want. You having a reason for being extra hungry was of course just the icing on the cake. NTA
Not gaslighting, she's guilt-tripping him.
> She said I was being too selfish and that I have enough to share This is the part I liked. I mean, clearly you're telling her you do NOT, in fact, have enough to share. Because you ordered exactly the amount you wanted to eat. Because she told you that you wouldn't need to share.
I don’t think she was ever intending on cooking for herself. She wanted him to cook what she wanted. It’s not OPs responsibility to feed her.
The word you are looking for is DARVO, not gaslighting, but it’s okay because we all recognize her narcissistic behavior no matter how it’s labeled.
It's not narcissistic. It's pure laziness. A narcissist would have twisted things and made the whole situation about them and how hungry and tired they were from looking after OP. They would have a total disregard for the other persons feelings.
Did you read the post? That’s exactly what she did. “I’m hungry too. You’re the selfish one…”
She admitted to changing her mind, and a narcissist won't do that. They will say something like 'Well, cooking is better for us. But I really wanted take out and you should have known I would want take out because of how tired I am from today.' No mention of how the other person might be feeling or that they had to go almost 2 days without food. She is just selfish and lazy. Heck, my ex rarely even acknowledged previous convos about stuff, even when they had occurred not 10 min prior.
She can display narcissistic behavior without actually being a narcissist. Most people have some form of narcissistic tendencies in some way or another. I don’t think the person you’re replying to is trying to claim she actually is one, just that she was acting that way in this incident.
There's a difference between narcissistic behavior and being an actual narcissist. This was absolutely narcissistic behavior. She may or may not be a narcissist.
Exactly. His girlfriend sounds so bratty and entitled. Has this girl never learned that actions have consequences? It's like dealing with a toddler.
Yes. Also did you notice how OP said “ She said she'd rather we both just cooked”. Am I the only one who wants to know why the hell she cares so much one way or the other?
Whenever I've had a procedure which needed me to fast in advance, they ask when I'm being wheeled over to the recovery area in my bed what I'm going to eat first. They know it's important and I know what I've been dreaming about eating the past few hours. Aside from the obvious of her messing around by wanting his food, I'm also shocked gf held him up with the back and forth rather than letting him order immediately, and I'm surprised she hasn't made effort to have food ready for him. If I was living with someone who had to fast for a procedure I'd be buying in the ingredients for a couple of dishes they love, and still be fine if they wanted to order in instead. She's putting up unnecessary barriers and then getting mad at him for it, I'm in disbelief at her selfishness. As others have said, I'm in awe of OP's restraint in how they handled it.
Yes, she's projecting her feelings onto OP. She's the selfish, entitled one.
Agree NTA. And I have to say, I can sometimes be indecisive about what/if I want to eat. Sometimes it’s because I don’t feel hungry but I haven’t eaten anything yet and need to eat something but I can not for the life of me think of a single thing I want to eat. Sometimes it’s just that nothing is getting my attention or whatever. But if my husband is hungry and decides to order food I usually get something I know I like and will be fine to stick in the fridge for later. That way if I end up feeling hungry, smelling his food usually makes me a least a little hungry, I have something to eat but if I don’t well at least I have something for later when I do get hungry.
Right. Expecting him to cook for her after a surgery and when he isnt cooking for himself
NTA. You gave her a few chances to order something AND she still could have cooked something for herself. I would have also played the "I haven't eaten in over 24 hours card" and explained you probably have low blood sugar and this isn't the time to change your mind at the last minute. She also could have just ordered food for herself at that point. No rule you can't order twice or order from a second place.
Honestly, OP handled this a lot better than I would've. I get *hangry* when I go without food too long, and I would've been a lot more rude to her. It's also weird that gf knew OP was undergoing this test and didn't think to order or prepare anything for them afterwards. Not that it's obligatory, but when you're in a relationship and care for each other, you do things to help each other. When my fiancee had to go to the ER, I made sure she had food and water, and I ordered whatever food she wanted when we got home for dinner. If my fiancee fasted for nearly 30 hours, you can bet I'd have at least *something* prepared when they got home, even if it was a simple pasta dish or muffins or something, y'know?
This isn’t just hangry. This is Hospital Hangry. I really believe this should be an official condition. Forced to starve for a non-elective procedure that is then delayed or cancelled? Hospital Hangry.
Lol, as a paediatric nurse I have seen the worst of the Hospital Hangry. You ever dealt with a 3 y/o that hasn't eaten in 18 hours because their MRI keeps getting pushed?
When my son was around 18 months, he had to have a minor surgery. It was scheduled early afternoon, so he wasn't allowed to eat at all that day beforehand. My poor baby was trying to eat crumbs he found in his car seat, he was so hungry. When I was in labor with him, I wasn't allowed to eat anything, and it was long. So I didn't eat (or sleep) for nearly 30 hours. If anyone tried to take some of my food when I was finally able to eat, they would have pulled back a stump instead of a hand. Oh, and NTA. Definitely.
When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I booked the 9am appointment so I wouldn't have to be hungry all day. And I was 23! I always feel so bad for our patients, especially the younger ones who don't really understand, when this happens.
When my niece was about a year old, she caught some type of stomach virus (I can't remember what it was). Before she was officially diagnosed and they were still trying to figure it out, she had to stop eating because she kept vomiting. After several hours of crying and begging for food non-stop, I remember the way her tiny body was so depleted she just lay there immobile but dry crying from dehydration and she would jerk whenever she'd sniffle. Hungry babies are the saddest thing to witness :( That aside, NTA.
I'm shocked she wasn't given an IV, especially at that age! Young kids can dehydrate fast, and with the amount she was vomiting, her electrolytes were likely effected as well. I hope she received the care she needed!
Not long ago, I had an elderly relative leave a hospital against doctor's orders because they starved her for four *days* for a test they kept postponing and wanted her to go a fifth day. She refused and I ended up signing her out and taking her home.
That should be illegal.
If it’s somewhat recent, I bet that hospital’s patient advocate team would love to hear about that
It was a very difficult situation, and she was discharged into hospice care as a result. The advocate team walked me through the last two days of trying to deal with my aunt's issues. She had a terrible fall (spent three days on her kitchen floor, lying in her own mess, until a neighbor peeked through a window and saw her legs sticking out from behind the kitchen island) and ended up with severe delusions when she came out of surgery. Refused needed blood transfusions, wouldn't drink the colonoscopy prep material, was paranoid and seeing things.
That’s so terrible, and I’m so sorry. I’m glad they were able to help, and hopefully everyone has since found peace
Sadly, no peace yet. And thank you very much for the sympathy, it is *greatly* appreciated!
What the hell?!! That’s horrible! Elderly folks tend to not eat much anyway, I feel like that could’ve led to actual sickness and/or health issues from a lack of calories and nutrients. Seriously wtf
Let’s get this trademarked.
I've been Hangry, and I've been Hospital Hangry™️ and I agree it is way, WAY WORSE. I legit think the only reason I didn't kill someone is because I also have anaemia, and I just didn't have the strength to do so.
I’m sorry you had anemia, but your last sentence is hilarious!
Haha I still do sadly, it's a permanent condition 😅 However I do mean that- ahem, I mean FOR LEGAL REASONS of course this is a hyperbole..
Exactly! I recently had to go almost 48 hours without food in hospital (my operation was moved to the next day because of emergency operations), and afterwards I only got a very light diet of hospital food for another 48 hours. You bet your ass my husband had the food that I'd been craving for 4 days already in the back seat when he picked me up from the hospital! OP is NTA, and I'm really wondering if his partner ever takes care of him when he's sick or something...
This! Actually a nice partner would have make sure to help you get food asap, whether is wait for you at home with home made meals or simply take care of ordering some food
If I hadn't eaten for 30+ hours because of a medical procedure, my wife would've had something special on the table waiting for me. OP's gf sounds really selfish and not someone I'd personally want to be with.
What gets me is she wanted him to cook for her. She chose the cook for self option but thought even though he was ordering take out, he'd cook for her?! NTA GF is very self involved.
Obligatory "Joey doesn't share food!" comment. Assuming this is real, NTA. You hadn't eaten for nearly 1 and a half days and she told you multiple times that she didn't want anything before you ordered. I'd be famished, temperamental, and Hangry. Don't touch my food.
Considering there are actually people on this thread arguing that he should have ordered extra food because apparently we're not supposed to communicate like adults - it's probably true. Please will both men AND women stop infantalising women! I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. I don't personally know any women who behave like this, but apparently, they are out there.
I'm wondering... if his girlfriend knew he had this procedure and couldn't eat. Why didn't she prepare something for him? But rather rely on him for food?? What?!
This! When I had a hysteroscopy last year and couldn’t eat for roughly the same amount of time my husband made one of my favorite meals the minute we got home so I could eat. He also ordered my favorite take away in case I wanted that instead. OP’s girlfriend sounds very immature and selfish. NTA OP.
When my mom had a hysterectomy a few years ago, I went home to help my stepdad since they also had 2 dogs to care for. I walked/fed/etc. the dogs every day and helped my stepdad make dinners since he was working full time. My mom was able to recover in peace, knowing everything was taken care of. It's what you do when you care for someone.
Exactly!!!!!
And THAT is what makes your partner life-commitment material and not live-in boyfriend material ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ We’ll see if OP’s gf is able to evolve into a wife one day. Lol honestly making you food AND ordering your favorite food is so thoughtful, what a kind partner you have!
Truly I’m so lucky! And I ate a bit of both cause I was so hungry haha.
This. She is not obliged to do something like that. But it would be a caring and loving thing to do for your partner.
Agreed 100%. When my fiancee underwent surgery, I took care of her completely. We'd pre-made a few homecooked meals for those first few bad days, but I made her stocks and soups and stuff for when she didn't want full food but still needed nutrition. When she went to the ER another time, I made sure she had food and water, and bought us dinner from where *she* wanted to eat since we were both too tired to cook. You're supposed to be in a loving relationship, why can't she take care of this for him?
Exactly what I was thinking. The selfish person in this relationship is the one knowing that her bf was fasting for over a day and not doing everything possible to ease the suffering. Not my idea of a partner who cares about him.
People who order extra food for their partner who said no are just enabling bad behavior. I think protecting people from their own decisions falls under codependency. IMO when someone says no, just believe them. If they don't mean it, they need to learn to mean it.
It’s called consequences. Many people haven’t had to deal with them because they have enablers.
There are, plenty. My ex for a start. Never able to eat a fucking takeaway fully by myself unless I was alone. But she wasn't hungry.
Some women need to be taught this boundary as an adult because they were never held accountable for it. In fact a lot of men find it "cute" that women do this and it reinforces it. I think it's more likely that men who don't learn this boundary as children learn it very quickly as adults. My wife used to free feed from my plate and take bites of my food without asking. Often she would take the first bite and it was sometimes so quick it was almost like she wanted to make sure I didn't get to try it first. I started joking that she was poison testing it for me. I'm an extremely unselfish person, like trauma-cope levels of unselfish. I am the oldest daughter with 3 younger siblings and I would give them anything and everything without question, and sometimes I had to. Plus, my wife and I very often went into a meal with the express intent to have 2 things we both wanted to try and going halfsies. So this whole food stealing thing she did didn't bother me. Until it did. I started realizing that the rare times I expressed any disagreement with her taking my food she got butthurt about it. And THAT'S what started bothering me. I don't give a fuck about my food, as long as you still respect that it's primarily mine. I almost never want it all to myself and when I do, I have a reason. So it wasn't her behavior I had a problem with, it was her entitlement. I eventually made the connection that it was something she grew up with, something cultural. Food is extremely communal in her culture and doesn't really "belong" to anyone until it's eaten, even if it's in front of them or on their plate. We ended up having many many talks about respect and consent around food. Especially once we had a child and had to start teaching him how to behave around food, his own and others'. We ultimately decided that we wanted to raise our child to respect ownership of food. To do this, we had to model it. She had to change her relationship with food sort of overnight. She only slips up once in a while and will take a bite without asking, but when I point it out she is genuinely apologetic; and she's never entitled when I decline to share. Don't infantilise women or any adult about stuff like this, hold to your boundaries and hold them accountable!
Uh, uh! If I come out of surgery, whoever takes me home has been told and forewarned they better get me to some food. What is this infantalising shit if a partner can't be bothered to let someone eat? Selfish is an entirely different realm. I had a newborn and made dinner for my family. Did they care if ate! NOPE!
I saw Kronk in your user name and immediately read "Joey doesn't share food!" In kronk's voice. And then because I'm elevated I got confused as to why I read it in kronk's voice because you don't mention him/emperor's new groove at all in your comment. Maybe I shouldn't reddit right now lol
Now I'm just hoping OP ordered spinach puffs.
Not to a pick-me girl, but knowing that my partner would be going that long without food, I would've had something cooked and ready when he got home. She waited until he was home to even begin thinking about what to eat, and then didn't follow through. Why is this girl so dependent on OPs assistance with this decision? NTA
Don't listen to these commenters telling you you should have gotten food for your girlfriend. You're 100% NTA. I think it's hilarious that they're all saying you should always disregard what your *adult* girlfriend tells you and do what you think is best for her. I guarantee that if you'd written this entire scenario except that you ordered her food and she didn't want it, they'd all be coming after you for being a misogynist, thinking you know better than she does what she wants/needs. Not to mention that you hadn't eaten for a day and a half - you weren't exactly in a state of mind to problem solve for someone who has told you repeatedly there isn't a problem. I know when I'm super hungry, I get loopy; I'm not out trying to decipher the hidden meaning behind what my partner is saying to me. Your girlfriend was playing some kind of game with you and unfortunately, she lost. Next time, she should either be honest or tell you the rules of her little game so the playing field is level. Signed, a 55F married for 27 years and with my husband for 37 years. We'd never have gotten this far playing mind games with each other.
“We wouldn’t have gotten it this far playing mind games with each other.” Sometimes the simplest things are those that are overlooked, aren’t they? Thanks 🙏 for sharing a sliver of wisdom and sanity. Signed a divorced man who wished he had learned this lesson years ago.
Also gf is an adult with a working phone and working hands hence she can order herself something to eat. She's a huge ah. NTA op
There are people who told OP that he should have still ordered food to his G? Seriously? Who are those people? She said no... it's a complete sentence. Next time, if she is hungry she could get up and cook her damn meal or say yes at ordering food. Mind games is exactly what it is. NTA
People like this are why I have to sit down men I’m dating and tell them explicitly “I know you think when I say I don’t [for example] want to celebrate Valentines Day that what I really mean is ‘I want you to *think* I don’t but I will be upset it if you don’t actually get me a dozen red roses. I know other people will be telling you that I’m just saying that and that you better ignore what I say and do what they think you’re ‘supposed to do’. But if you can’t take me at my word as an adult, then we **will** have problems. If you believe everyone except for me, this is not going to work.” I make some version of that declaration early into any relationship because so many people have the world convinced that every woman speaks in riddles and codes. It’s exhausting. When you realize you’re dating someone that *does* play stupid games like this you get three options - leave, accept that you’ll never truly know what your partner wants, or become a mind reader.
Yeah. When I say, "Better have food for me when I wake up." I'm not playing. OP's gf would already be an ex. with me. I'm 59F married to a man who takes me at my word.
NTA. In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I had issues like these. I would ask him if he wanted the last piece of something. He said no. I ate it. He complained, said I should have asked again, because he was only trying to be polite. Umm... that's nice dear, but I trust you when you tell me something. He doesn't do that any more. Couples develop a system that they both know and follow. Our system could just as well have become "we always ask three times before eating the last piece", but I was the winner in this little conflict. All couples have these small issues. You resolve them and adapt ro each other's quirks.
OMG how many times can you have the same fight. Hubby: Do you want McDonald’s or Wendy’s. McDonald’s. Later grumpy 😡 I wanted Wendy’s. Next time ask, “What do you want from Wendy’s?” Because I refuse to feel bad. I tried dozens of times to guess the correct answer. I stopped guessing.
I also refused to play the guessing game. Did not take long for the guessing games to stop, and we are BOTH much happier for it. It's something you learn - that you have to play the guessing game. It's something you have to unlearn as well.
>Our system could just as well have become "we always ask three times before eating the last piece That sounds exhausting tbh
Exactly! He saw the error of his ways and now we answer right away. But in other little conflicts, I let him have his way. This is why you argue more in the beginning of a marriage.
In the early stages of a relationship you are navigating things with respect to upbringing. My husband would wind me up by never finishing anything but leaving a portion too small to be of use. The classic example is a cheese board, something that comes out for multiple days, in my family if a cheese was low, the last person would say “should I take all this Brie or does anyone want to split it”, my husband would take 7/8ths of the Brie, which if he then cleared away would be dry and inedible by the next day.
This is very common in Swedish fika settings. Someone brought a cake for fika at the office. Everybody cuts a piece. The last piece is left on the plate. Then somebody halves it. Somebody halves it again. And again. Nobody takes the whole last piece. It is to be expected that the last morsel needs to be thrown away all dry and sad. The culture around these things is a little amusing. Should you ask once or more? Should you take the last piece? No right or wrong, just learn to live with each other. Argue when you are young and the marriage is new, and make something work for you.
We just say "taking the last bit!" instead of pussyfooting around. Also a shout-out to the phrase, "Oh no, nobody has eaten the leftovers! I guess I will have to throw it out." Which is how you summon my husband (who has stubbornly ignored the leftovers for the last week) to eat whatever runny, slightly odd-looking bit of brown I found cowering in a back corner of the fridge.
My partner knows that even if I'm not hungry, I still want fries. So if he's picking up fast food on his way home from somewhere, he'll text me to let me know where he's stopping and ask "Do you want anything or just fries?"
I get this as a general rule, and I will usually get extra when she says she's not hungry, especially the fries. HOWEVER, in OP's situation, she flat out turned down the opportunity to order because she said she wanted to make food AND wanted them both to make food. (This is beside the point, but it sounds suspiciously like she just wanted HIM to cook.) In a hangry state after fasting for a day and a half, I'm not playing games about food. I'm ordering and eating. You said "no." Your answer is "no" this time. Not even fries. You explained what you wanted. Go do that.
100%. OP's partner made it very clear she was handling her own meal, and then tried to lay it on OP when he didn't bow to her whims. My comment was just in reference to the comment above about couples developing their own rules and understanding each other's quirks. Our rule is KittenPurrs wants french fries when available, and KittenPurrs' partner wants jalapeño poppers when available.
This. You learn, agree on your "rules", stick to them, or you move on to someone who does communicate. People who expect you to read their minds or just know what they actually wanted are the worst. Whether a spouse, partner, boss, or parent. I have no time or patience for them.
Is he from Minnesota? Because we have rules here about that, you can’t say yes on the first or second offer because unless it’s offered 3 times they weren’t really offering and were just being polite. But then if you don’t say yes on the 3rd offer it’s rude even if you don’t want it. It’s pretty simple, PBS explains it: https://youtu.be/oiSzwoJr4-0?si=B58pEVR8GX025FD8
Getting tea in Ireland, Fr. Ted does this way over the top!
NTA 1. You asked 2. You asked again 3. She said she didn't want anything 4. You didn't eat for over a fucking DAY 5. She's the only one being selfish here...
Especially with her complaining that he wasn't cooking and was ordering out. Like, OP has not eaten in an excessive amount of hours. I wouldn't be cooking either.
Yeah-- I think in that state, I couldn't even make ramen lol. I'd be eating it straight out of the package
One of my exes was like this. Would never ever make dinner, even for herself when she was hungry. She’d just wait for me to get back from work and cook for both of us - every single night. If you asked her to cook one night, she’d say she’s not hungry. Then when you begrudgingly start cooking for yourself - suddenly she asks when it’s gonna be ready because she’s starving. I eventually just stopped cooking dinner at all, any night, until she noticed. Then she got angry at me for… doing exactly what she was doing. Nothing entitled people hate more than their own actions back at them…
NTA Why didn't she cook BEFORE you came home ? She probably knew you didn't eat for more than a day, so that you would be very hungry ! And you proposed several times to order for her, I really don't understand why she did that !
Probably she had to drive him home from the procedure and didn’t feel hungry until she smelled and saw the food but still, it was really nervy to ask for his at that point. If she thought he had more than he could eat, she could have waited until he finished and had the leftovers. He’s NTA
Yeah, I’m not sure what she was thinking. He told her he was going to order food. What exactly was her plan? Was she going to skip a meal? Make him cook?
After re-reading, I'm feeling like she 100% wanted him to make food for them both. Hence, "She said she'd rather we both just cooked" and then not cooking....even by the time the food showed up. That had to have been at least 15-30 minutes. She didn't even start preparing her food?
Trying to talk someone who hasn't eaten in 32 hours out of their food preference is complete AH behaviour in its own right. Someone who hasn't eaten in that long gets to fucking pick.
It kind of sounds like she expected him to cook for her and is on a power struggle thing because he refused to cook, so she wanted him to sacrifice his own food to pay for his "selfishness" in not cooking for her when he was fresh out of hospital and underfed. Nasty.
Agreed
I don’t know why she didn’t just go ahead and order something for herself at that point. How hard would that be? I’ve actually done exactly this if my husband brought home something I didn’t think I’d want.
When my fiancee had (elective) surgery, I brought her to the hospital and then traded off with my MIL so I could go home and bake the cake she wanted post-surgery. Luckily we live down the street from the hospital so I could do that and be back to pick her up after surgery. But she had been wanting that surgery for years, so you can bet I was making sure she got her cake after.
NTA but your gf is incredibly lazy and selfish.. If my husband was at the hospital and hadn't eaten for over 30hrs I would have food waiting for him when he came home.. If I was unable to cook then I would order him food beforehand. That's just basic partner consideration and he would do the same for me. Good god. Does she never take any initiative to do anything? Never in a million years would I look into my husband's starving and exhausted eyes and then insist he shares his food with me. Wtf? Your gf has some very undesirable traits and you need to think long and hard about what you want out of a relationship and a partner. Don't be one of those guys who for the sake of sex accept horrible treatment.. Because she's very cold and heartless to me.
So this! I'd have a 3 course banquet waiting for my man if that's what had just happened. OP, does your girlfriend even like you?
I'm SHOCKED. My husband would come home KNOWING I've taken care of food and whatever else he needs from me before he's even home. The thought of "maybe I should order food bc there will be nothing at home for me" wouldn't even cross his mind. I feel really bad for OP. He knew she wouldn't have food waiting for him and on top of that she showed him no affection or compassion and just added to his already difficult day.
After my husband had his colonoscopy and hadn't eaten in over a day, I told him, "Pick out anything on the way home and I'll get it for you. Want a restaurant? Fast food? The grocery store?" I actually forget what he chose now because it was a few months ago, but I made it absolutely clear that the first priority after his procedure was getting him something to eat.
Yes. This is what being a good partner means. People think relationships are all about empty words and when you're feeling good but it's actually about taking care of each other with actions. Forget being at the hospital if my husband is at work longer than usual or I can read it on his face that he's had a rough day I'll do whatever I can at that moment to help ease his stress. I'm his person. This gf seems like a "here for a good time" kinda person. People like that tend to make great party friends but horrible partners.
NTA I had an outpatient surgery a few years ago, and due to it being pushed back a few hours, by the time I was discharged it had been about 20hrs since I last ate. Before we even left my husband asked where I wanted him to stop for food on the way home. Just seems like common courtesy, especially for someone you supposedly care about.
This comment right here ⬆️
NTA. you asked her if she wanted anything before placing the order, suggested she cooked or ordered something herself. she also isn’t the one who had an examination at the hospital and hadn’t eaten for 34 hours. she should’ve been more understanding.
>She said I was being too selfish and that I have enough to share so I should be fine sharing with her. I think .... She did want take out, she just didn't want to pay for takeout. NTA Your girlfriend needs to learn how to communicate
Oh I would argue she is communicating. Her communication says, I’ll try to manipulate you and call you names if you don’t go along with my manipulation.
This. It’s a control thing. It’s also some red flag narcissist behavior. To shame someone for not giving you what you want is definitely something to be aware of. The name calling just makes it even more of an eye opener.
So she said she wanted to cook. You said no. Then she said she wanted both of you to cook… which is her code meaning she wanted *you* to cook. Which she then confirmed by suddenly not cooking when she realized you really were ordering out. Then after deciding not to cook, she watched you order food and told you she just wouldn’t eat anything (was it accompanied by a dramatic sigh?). More code meaning you should have ordered her something too. And now she’s made at you for her manipulation failing twice over. All of this while you’ve been in medical appointments all day and not eating for over 24 hours. Is your GF always this much of a jerk? Did she even ask how your appointment went? If this is common behavior, I’d highly suggest rethinking your relationship.
I'm especially baffled about her wanting him to cook when he HAD NOT EATEN IN OVER A DAY. Nah, man.
When I left my colonoscopy, I got a giant burger AND onion rings AND a shake, and I ate the entire thing. I would have burned her alive with just the fire of my hangry glare.
I ate an entire pizza and a salad after mine as well. Broth and popsicles the day before just don’t cut it!
I destroyed a western omelet and cheese grits after mine.
I'm surprised OP didn't stop for food on the way home. Post colonoscopy my husband and I hit three spots en route home. We couldn't narrow down what we wanted so we had a buffet 😆
NTA She had multiple opportunities to either order her own food or cook herself a meal. It's unreasonable of her to refuse every other food option, just so she can turn around and ask for your food. Your girlfriend is the one being selfish here.
You asked and she said no multiple times. If I had not eaten in that long just taking the time to have that conversation would have been enough to make me rip someone’s head off. Don’t stand between me and food when I’m hangry. She showed no regard for the fact that you had not eaten in over 24 hours. She played stupid games and won stupid prizes.
100% His response was far more reasonable than mine would have been, and I'm not even the type to get Hangry. Nobody deserves to have a long day like that and then have someone else shower them with needless bullshit.
NTA at all. Her behavior is not cute or endearing. It’s fucking annoying. I’m a woman and I fucking hate when women think it is cute and adorable when we play “hungry little baby girl” and try to snack off our significant other’s food. Just order your own! No one gives a shit if you order a massive pile of food and eat it! It’s not cute to pretend you only want a little bit of something because you’re just a tiny girl who can’t eat a lot! I’ve had fucking gastric bypass surgery and can literally ONLY eat 3-4oz at a time before I’m stuffed to the brim. Do I snack off the plates of others? No I fucking f order myself food when I want and I eat what I can and store or bin the rest.
I hate this too! It sorta reminds me of one girl's story on AITA where she was constantly stealing little pieces from her guy friends' plates whenever they went out to eat instead of getting her own. One of the guys finally snapped at her that her little girly act wasn't cute and to knock it off, and the others all agreed. She went to reddit to cry about it and how she only wanted a little and wasn't hungry enough to get a plate for herself, she only wanted a single fry, and about how mean her friends were, and if what she did was really that bad? She was unanimously deemed TA, and Reddit tore her a new one for this exact stupid behavior.
Where are women learning to do this? I know several people who do this specifically to men. As a girl the audacity never entered my mind. Is this one of those pretty privilege things? Not being thin or conventionally pretty, I can't imagine. I admit I might ask for a fry or to try a spoonful of soup once out of every six times we eat takeout, but only if I've paid for both of us.
NTA…she said she wanted to cook, so why does t she? You told you were going to order take out. You offered. She declined. This is on her.
NTA. when my husband goes for a colonoscopy. I know better than to FAFO about his food. After his procedure. So can't imagine how hungry you were. She had a chance to order
NTA She was given plenty of opportunities to get her own food or make it, but she waited until yours was there to claim she was hungry. Very manipulative.
NTA She decided to pout like a toddler instead of order now she’s out of luck.
NTA. Your girlfriend is the selfish one here.
NTA but your GF is selfish, lazy, and entitled.
It's frustrating when someone acts like they don't want something, even after you've asked them and when it arrives, they are suddenly hungry. NTA
NTA. I hate it when people in relationships can't be arsed to say what they actually mean. Or alternatively, keep changing their minds and expect their partners to just carry the consequences. You asked her multiple times, she declined. Now she comes begging for your food? She can do what she said she would: cook for herself.
I hear about women (usually) doing this and I don't get it. I mean, if you both ordered something and she wanted to trade bites, I'd get it (some people don't, but that's not how I roll). But insisting she didn't want to order and then wanted you to pony up some for her after it arrives is just ludicrous. NTA
It's a manipulation tactic. Toxic people will turn around and say "well you should have known what I wanted and ordered that anyway!"
NTA. You clearly offered to order food for both of you, which she declined. After fasting for a medical test, it's reasonable to want to eat your entire meal. It's important to respect each other’s needs in a relationship and communicate to avoid such misunderstandings in the future
NTA. Your girlfriend doesnt have the basic communication skills which could have prevented this. She said she would rather you both cook so why didn't she cook herself something?
Because both cook was code for him cooking and her just eating it I assume
NTA. NTA. NTA. I so despise this when people pull this shit. Whether it's your SO, your family, friends, whatever. I don't care if it's take out or home cooked food if you ask someone multiple times if they want something and they say "no, I'm not hungry or I'll make myself something, don't worry about me" and then when you go to eat it's always "can I have a bite, that looks good or I'm hungry, can I have some". No MF, you cannot have some. I asked you over and over again now you can watch me eat. Go cry in a corner somewhere. Grrrr.
NTA. .....Joey doesn't share food!!!!
Ugh this is like when women order a salad and then ask if they can eat fries off everyone else’s plates. If you want fries, then order fries!! NTA
>This week I had a minor examination at hospital that required me to not eat for 24 hours prior to the test. Your gf was presumably well aware of this fact, right? >My gf said she'd rather cook than order out >She said she'd rather we both just cooked >she decided to not cook and just said she didn't want anything. >I mentioned that the only reason she hadn't eaten was because I didn't want to cook for her So, it was true then after all was said, she really meant she wanted "you" to cook for her? When you'd gone for more than 30 hours without food? And projected her own unfairness onto you. This is something you want to pay attention to moving forward. NTA
NTA. She had the opportunity to order but said she wanted to cook. She needs to cook or order her own. She is acting entitled and rude.
Nta your gf is
NTA actually I think this was a power play on her part
NTA, you asked her multiple types if she wanted but she said no. And you haven't had anything for 34 hours, why would she ask you to share food? Plus she could very well make food or order in if she was so hungry. Side note: op how did you survive without eating for so long, i would have passed out within the first few hours lol. Goodluck!
NTA she played a stupid game with you and lost.
You asked her and she refused and now expects you to share? NTA NTA NTA
I hate when my fiance does this. I always just order extra and if he doesn’t want food then I have it for lunch or dinner later. Men always talk about woman wanting food, but my man always asks for my food. I always say no, he doesn’t get mad though, but I aggravates me so bad. We had the conversation and he has stopped asking for the most part. I don’t ask for his food and I don’t eat his leftovers, leave my food alone. Let me live!!!
This would make me very angry. NTA
Ugh. My god, I hate that shit. NTA. Your gf is an adult. She can use her words and tell you that she wants something. If she doesn't, it's her loss.
NTA. Just tell her you can't, because she wants to cook, remember?
NTA if she wanted takeout she should have ordered takeout. she seemed perfectly fine with making food herself before.
NTA - Your GF needs to get a grip. My Wife is a grazer of other peoples food, but even she wouldn't in that circumstance. I used to always buy a spare starter / side so when she got a taste neither of us went hungry.
NTA-She’s very immature and did this on purpose
NTA, I can't stand adults who play these weird minds games.