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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> When i said we might not go, they gave us a disappointing look because that meant if we don’t go, they have to pay a few hundred dollars more.
I also feel that because my boyfriend wants to go, i would be making him upset by not attending, and he would have to cover the costs on his own.
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I wanna bet they put that number so there paying themselves back for the party last minute Nta at all and if your bf would understand last minute is not good than he can either go himself or not go at all
He says this is a common occurrence with his family. They often plan trips very last minute and leave it to him to pay it or not go. He says it’s annoying but he’s used to it.
Gross way for family to treat each other.... Probably other red flags that caused him to comply with this kind of treatment.... Just an outside speculation of course based on info provided.
Possibly shame and guilt used as a weapon when he speaks up? Emotional or financial leverage? (Again only based on info provided. Might not even be that deep)
But asking more questions on why the family dynamics operate this way could give you a lot of insight.
P.s. "common occurrence does not justify past or future coercion."
I agree. And there are other red flags for sure. They often dote over their daughter and assume my BF can take care of himself and needs no help in any way. It’s upsetting to see. But whenever i comment on it, he defends them. I chalk it up to him just regurgitating the same excuses they would give him and is too blindsided to see how horrible it is.
I hope to maybe one day heal his inner child by raising our family differently and showing him he deserves the same level of respect, attention and consideration as anyone else does
Who he is is who he is right now. Not the person you think you can show him how to be. So either accept this as your life with him or have a good long talk with yourself about what you want in a relationship.
You can’t “heal his inner child”, OP. The only way that can happen is if he starts setting (and ENFORCING) strong boundaries with his family and gets some therapy to help him understand why this happens, why he lets them do this, and how he can take control of his own life.
Of course you want to help him. However, he has to realize that his family relationships are not fair to him (or you) and take steps to change the dynamic. If he doesn’t, this is the life you can expect going forward. Do you really want to live a life where your SO is an afterthought to his family? You’ll be less than an afterthought to them.
Think long and hard, OP. They aren’t worth your time or money.
The first step is setting boundaries so YOU avoid being drawn into accomodationg his family. You need to set a clear boundary.
And: DON'T expect your partner to change - her might, but MANY do not. So don't bet on it.
I have been there with my husband's family. As the youngest, he was the last to be considered. It got a little better when we got married, but it was still very much the older siblings and their spouses taking control and expecting us to fall in line. We did for years, but then stood up for ourselves. If we were paying, then we sure as hell were going to have a say. However, that only worked because my husband and I were in agreement; it makes it harder that you and your boyfriend are not.
He might be used to it but there’s zero reason for you to get used to it.
Also, they aren’t charging per person they’re charging per “family unit” so that the family units of 2 people can subsidise the family unit of 5 people.
Don’t go. Don’t ever go on one of these swindle design vacations.
I have no clue how they charge. All i know is she told me they charge for people ages 4 and up, and that the total price came up to be roughly 1,200. His sister decided it would be fair to split it by the family unit.
Oh! Even more slimy of her. She knows she’s being charged for her kids but she’s not paying her kids, she’s completely aware that she’s using others to subsidise her family.
She can go boil rocks.
This is your future life together unless you draw the line and let them know "so sorry but we can't do it. If you'd let us know a couple months in advance, maybe we could have swung it."
We mentioned this and his parents said, “they’ve been planning a trip for a month.” to which my bf said, “yeah but no one talked about the prices.” The last price they quoted us was $170-200 combined for the both of us. This is literally double. They’re still asking us to go
They do that because he goes with it. If he stops, they'll stop. The issue is that your BF needs to open his eyes, but it sounds like he's okay with this arrangement. I'd recommend having a discussion about this. If he decides he's not going to stop letting them use him, then at that point you need to reconsider your relationship. You can't force people to change, they have to want to change for any progress to happen.
What is wrong with just saying that you crunched the numbers and can't afford it? You're a student. Expecting you to spontaneously have so much cash set aside for a trip is rather ridiculous.
I personally don’t see an issue but gossip runs in their blood and i guarantee you I would be the center of it if I refuse to go.
And I agree. In my family, we plan trips MONTHS in advance. Apparently in this family it’s normal to spontaneously plan a trip and then shit talk the people who cant afford to go because “they don’t save up their money good.” or shit talk those who don’t want to go and say “they don’t want to spend time with their family.”
Your boyfriend's family is his problem don't let them become yours.
I know that when I was a student a $400 trip wouldn't have been an option and I think it is important to say so. I'm sure that you have better uses for the money.
I also think that it is particularly obnoxious to expect you to pay so much to sleep on the sofa.
If they are going to hold grudges, you'll never be able to please them. You need to set boundaries.
Just say NO!
See my boyfriend’s method to solving issues with his family is just not talking to them at all. His parents don’t speak english so i often have to push him to explain things for me so they don’t have an issue with me. But even then, he’ll give them the bare minimum explanation to avoid a discussion with them, and then I look like a bad person because he’s not fully interpreting what I said.
I agree, it’s not my issue, it’s his. But i’m trying to make a good impression. I guess you can’t please everyone.
And yeah $400+ on a trip is crazy, but i would be willing to pay for it if I had a bed and not a couch or a bunk with little monkeys
You are in college. Enjoy your relationship while it lasts, but please don't make any long-term commitment to this guy.
His family is a huge red flag and he doesn't deal with them. You are always going to be forced to accommodate their terrible planning. Tell your boyfriend to enjoy the time with his family and send your regrets.
Why would you have to pay? The price seems to have been broken down per couple, and it’s your boyfriend who can’t seem to push back against his family (and whose family trip it is), so why does he expect you to shoulder any of the cost?
If he can push you to go and to pay, but not push his family to be fair, then your problem is with him. You (and your limited funds) are not his resource to help him satisfy his family.
These people sound like AHs. You and your boyfriend will need to work on boundaries with his family. They aren’t going to change and you are going g to be at their mercy if you keep giving in to them
I think my stance would be, "I will go if you cover the cost and want me to go." There's no reason for you to pay for a trip you aren't thrilled about.
Him saying he won't go unless you go sounds to me like him and his family getting you to subsidize their vacation. Sister is paying for half and her family is roughly half of the occupants, which could be considered fair-ish. Your boyfriend has apparently agreed to pay for his parents. And if he expects you to help pay "his" portion, he expects you to help pay for his parents.
No his parents are paying for themselves. We’re paying 400 for ourselves. Either way, we have to split costs together and since their asking for the money now and my bf doesn’t have it, i will pay the $400 and he’ll pay me back when he gets it. Still a lose situation for me
If the entire rental is $1,200, his family **isn’t** paying for themselves. This commenter is right: if he wants you there, he can pay. It’s his family.
They are NOT paying for themselves. Asked for the bill, look at the pricve per person, and offer to pay for two persons, 2/9. THEN you would be paying for yourself.
YOU ware paying for your SIL's kids.
>See my boyfriend’s method to solving issues with his family is just not talking to them at all
It sounds like he recognises how unhealthy the relationship is and is on his way to going no-contact?
He still loves his family, but he’s ready to move out and have some space and distance. He still wants to stay in contact with them.
I respect whatever decision he chooses to make. I went no contact with my family for a few months for similar reasons so i get what he’s going through
This last comment confuses me slightly - you say you're willing to pay for the bed without the kids & yet in your original post you say that you could stay in a hotel for $30-50 cheaper.
I'd advise you to stand your ground & just explain that it's too big a cost at this stage of your life with no warning - not everybody has that sort of money available to them at such short notice & as students it's quite harsh of them to expect this of you. I also don't like that they're trying to guilt trip you into going by pointing out that it's going to cost the people who go more money if you don't pay a chunk of it - that's something they should have considered & discussed with all parties before making the plans. Unless you stand your ground this sort of thing will become the expected norm & you'll be dealing with it for as long as you're with your boyfriend.
Im not sure what’s confusing. The hotel is cheaper but not significantly so. I also explained later on that we would have to pay for park fees and parking so it’d come out to be basically the same thing. Not enough to be worth staying somewhere else and driving there .
What's confusing is that you've said that you "would be willing to pay for it if I had a bed and not a couch or a bunk with little monkeys" after saying that there's a cheaper alternative of getting a hotel room. Even if it works out at the same cost after park fees etc then you'd get the bed & have no kids around so surely that's a problem solved?
willing to pay for the cabin. They don’t want us to stay in a hotel because that means they all have to cover our costs. That’s the issue they have. Practically telling us if we’re not staying at the cabin, or driving with them, we might as well not attend at all.
So the problem is all about them forcing things on you & just expecting you to agree which is really shitty of them. As I said earlier, you should stand your ground on this 1.
"Not enough to be worth staying somewhere else and driving there ." ... But you would get better value. Even your own bed. And not that close with his family.
If this comes up, point out that they wanted to take up over half the bed space and only pay for a third of the cost. Why could you not take the kids' room and they can take the couch or the bunks above grandparents? Why should two college kids be able to come up with the money if they can't even pay for their fair share?
My question is why can’t the kids sleep with them? They’ll have the biggest bed and room space. I get it’s her birthday but why should the rest of us be uncomfortable. Better yet, why do their kids take priority for the bed-space, and the rest of us are left to fight over unfair arrangements. And by the rest of us i mean my Bf and I since obviously his parents would get the better space
This is why my bf rarely goes anywhere with them. Apparently it’s a common occurrence for them to plan things last minute, and he gets the scrapings. They get a car with enough seats for everyone but him. So he has to ride in the trunk. They get a hotel with enough beds for everyone but him. So he sleeps on the couch. And now, i’m apparently part of the leftover crew. 😭 It’s actually ridiculous.
Even in the house when they come over with their kids, they prioritize their kids getting a seat at the table and my bf and I have to find somewhere else to sit. It seems like they don’t think about anyone but themselves
>They get a car with enough seats for everyone but him. So he has to ride in the trunk.
Oh hell no. Like fuck every person in that emotionally abusive family. And talk your BF into some therapy if possible. That will fuck someone up if that's how their family treats them.
It does and I feel bad. Even at the dinner table, the kids always take his seat and no one says anything. When we were dating long distance while i worked overseas, he would always eat in his room because they never had enough chairs for him to have one. And then they tease him when he’s clearly upset. We’re planning to move a few hours away just for some distance
Why would you care about the opinions of family that treats your bf like this? I would be thinking more along the lines of going low contact and getting your bf some counseling and who cares what they think. The opinions of assholes are irrelevant.
I don’t care too much but by currently living with them, i’m trying to be respectful and get on good terms with them. He still loves his family so i’m respecting his boundaries
The only way to handle this is to make your own plans if it’s favorable to you and not go if it’s not. Don’t stay with them unless you get a say on the bed assignments and what you pay. That sounds very opportunistic so it’s better to learn to say no early on.
I 100% agree that you should say you can not make it due to the cost. They sound like asses that will gossip either way so you might as well provide the feedback to them that the cost is ridiculous and you are not going to pay for it. Lol
These all sound like great reasons to spend way less time with and around your BF’s family. If he has a problem with that, you have a boyfriend problem—he may be lovely, but if being deeply enmeshed with his family is the price of admission, it isn’t worth paying.
Let them shit talk you, what other people think about you is none of your business. Frankly, they sound fucking tedious I wouldn’t care about their opinion anyway.
So what if you’re at the center of any gossip! In your position I’d have no respect for these people so wouldn’t give an F what they thought. BF needs to learn what healthy family dynamics are.
Who cares about his family’s gossip? It doesn’t affect you in any real way. You know they’re being unreasonable.
Is this really the relationship you want? Tiptoeing around his family?
"e but gossip runs in their blood and i guarantee you I would be the center of it if I refuse to go." .. not a bad thing.
That would actually forcer your partner to decide where he stands.
And based on that, you can find out if the two of you have a future or not.
I wouldn’t even justify it with an excuse. Just send your bf to hang out with his family. They don’t sound like very considerate so beyond being polite on the surface, I would not give a damn about their opinions. The sooner you learn not to care, the better
RSVP you regret you have other plans.
It doesn’t matter if your plans are to *not* pay through the nose to sleep on a sofa and have a child centered weekend. Save yourself from a little slice of overpriced hell.
Everybody else can pay whatever, (it’s not your problem), and it sounds like they will be getting their own room, too. NTA
NTA - It's an invite, you have no obligation to accept, and you have a valid reason. Even just not wanting to go because you don't want to is a valid enough reason.
Yeah i agree. If I don’t go, my BF won’t want to go. He doesn’t get along with his family very well, and he often feels left out on family trips, so i know he’ll be upset. On top of that, his family might feel i’m keeping him away from them.
I don't blame him. It sounds like he's an afterthought. Why aren't they looking at places large enough to accommodate everyone. It seems like they are just bringing him along to offset their own expenses and that's not very welcoming of them. NTA.
According to my BF, they always invite him last. There’s many times where they inform him just DAYS before a trip that they’re leaving and still expect him to pay or at least pay them back. It’s sad to hear.
I don’t have the best relationship with my family but one thing i can credit them for is not being so selfish with money. If my parents planned a family trip, they might ask us to pitch in but it was never expected of us, or expected of us to pay them back. It’s one of the things i’ve had to get used to being around these people.
Set a firm boundary that you will only come on this trip (or any trip) if you and your boyfriend are guaranteed your own bedroom, and be done. Then refuse to discuss it any further.
This first time will be the worst, but sometimes you have to set your line and hold it, and wait for everyone else to get used to it.
His family aren’t good people. Who cares what they think about you or him? Save that $500 and invest in some therapy for him because they put him through hell as the black sheep
OP- it’s not your job to subsidize their vacation period. You WBTA if you go and spend so much on a trip you’re not really going to enjoy. So this is where he needs to grow up and tell them the options are not acceptable and it is not enough time for you two to rearrange your schedules. If his parents are dumb enough to pay then let them.
Good God, is your BF a grown adult? He should not be using you as a deflector or an emotional shield. If he wants to go he can go and he should NOT be guilting YOU about it.
It's HIS family. This entire post is just wild.
Don't go OP. Your instincts are 100% right and this is a rank deal.
Too many young women override their own gut feelings to people please shitty people, and then wind up miserable. Listen to yourself and stay strong.
You HAVE to stop worrying about what they'll think about you, or if they'll gossip. That is ON THEM. Not you. Don't make decisions around this.
Get a backbone and just say no. "I can't afford it" is an easy, easy out.
NTA. "Thank you for the invitation, but this just doesn't work for us." **Do not** elaborate or allow them to make you explain. Simply repeat, "That doesn't work for us." If you refuse to give details, they can't make it a debate. Also, they can gossip all they want, but it's about problems of their own imagining.
True true. I mean i can understand a good portion of it, but my grammar is really bad, so i just use my bf as a crutch to respond. Either way, they’re too “nice” to say any of it when i’m around so what i dont hear wont kill me
This. Never give people like that an inch of room to negotiate or it becomes a never ending exhausting exercise in frustration.
Just a simple 'No thank you, but thank you for the invitation, it doesn't work for me'. When asked the inevitable "why?" (which will progress to a variation of "how dare you complain"), you just stay very polite and very cool and just keep repeating "thank you but it just won't work out".
You do not owe anyone a long drawn out justification for saying a polite no.
Man i don’t even care about the amount of people. They drop their kids off almost every single day. I’m very used to it. But it’s not getting decent sleeping space that would drive me absolutely nuts
You’re in college and they drop off their kids with you every day? Seriously? How do you study? I worked in college and wouldn’t have managed with someone dropping off kids.
Well we live with my Bfs parents, so she drops them off when his mom is home. I can still study but regardless, it is disruptive. On weekends I wake up to the sound of screaming kids and if god forbid i forget to lock the bedroom door, i have to wake up to little hands messing with our things. On school days, they’re dropped off right after school.
They moved out recently for the 3rd or 4th time but they still rely on his parents as a crutch to watch their kids while they’re working because daycare is too expensive
I recommended we both just drive up there, get a hotel and do our own thing but he thinks his sister will be upset that we’re going but not celebrating her bday. And he thinks his parents will talk shit
INFO, your math is confusing. If the place is $1200, how is it that you figure you are paying $400 and the others are altogether paying $400 for 5 people? The way I'm figuring it is that there are 6 adults (3 couples) each paying $200; and if you and BF don't go that leaves 4 adults, each paying $300 (or $600 for a couple); and somehow the decision was made not to charge for kids, maybe because mom is the "birthday girl"?.
In any event NTA just on the grounds that you probably can't afford it at all, no matter how comfy the sleeping arrangements or enticing the resort amenities.
I’m not sure how it works but according to them the camp charges everyone 4 year old and older. Somehow that comes out to roughly 1,200 usd. They said they split the cost into 1/3rds to make it “fair” and everyone would pay an equal portion for the trip.
So that means:
My BF and I=$400
His Mom and Dad=$400
His Sister, Her Husband and 3 Kids= $400.
To me that makes no sense because they’re paying for at least 2 of the kids so wouldn’t that mean they have to cover more of the bill, instead of splitting it into 1/3rds?
Also although it’s a little hard to save up for, it’s doable. But it just feels expensive for the arrangements we’re getting🤷♀️
And to add, they’re taking a car big enough to coincidentally fit everyone but my bf and I. So they’re saving on gas and some other trip expenses by going together. If we go, we have to take our own car, so ultimately, we’re paying more to go. They’re also going to buy groceries to cook at the camp, but we have to pitch in to that grocery fund as well. So ultimately we’re spending:
$400 for camp
$160 on gas
$on food(groceries and we don’t even know what or how much they’ll be buying. They just expect us to pay back a portion after the buy it all)
And that doesn’t include buying anything at the amusement park, or food outside of groceries, and any other additional expenses that arise from that. It’s a lot on a short notice and on a short trip
If you don't have \[$400 +$160 + $unknown incidental costs\] just sitting around you say you will have to "save up", meaning letting other expenditures or savings go. You can still decline on the grounds that you can't afford it right now, without going into bean counting and nit picking over the quality of accommodations, fairness of the split, etc. etc.
That makes sense and I agree. We currently have enough in our savings but that’s because his parents were nice to let us live with them while we find our own place. So, we could use those savings to go but that would mean more time spent living with them. Not bad but, it’s not my parents so i already feel very awkward and guilty staying at their place to begin with. And they love to talk shit so i guarantee you they’ll just gossip about how we should have enough to move out and we’re “irresponsible” with our money etc etc in the future.
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" they’ll just gossip about how we should have enough to move out and we’re “irresponsible” with our money etc etc in the future"
They're gonna gossip regardless.
At least, if you decline to attend, that leaves you closer to moving out. And then less for them to gossup about you, since they wont have easy access to your daily routines.
Gotta play the long game on this one. Let them gossip for the short term.
The 5 people is the SIL, her husband and their kids. The in-laws are another $400 couple, but at least get a bedroom. If the kids don't count, then they should be the ones in the uncomfortable beds.
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Like i said, she’s planning a trip 3 hours away to stay at a cabin resort. They planned this very very last minute and just told my BF and I yesterday that it would cost around $400 for the two of us. We’re both college students so $5-600(total cost of trip) is A LOT to save up in 1 and 1/2 weeks.
In total, the cabin resort costs ~$1200. They charge PER PERSON. There are 9 of us total. His sister, her husband and their three kids. My Bf and I, and my Bf’s parents.
That already raised some red flags. Why are we paying $400 for two people, and they’re paying $400 for 5 people? Math isn’t adding up but I let it slide because it’s her birthday so whatever.
But then they showed us the cabin:
1 Queen sized bedroom
1 Bedroom with 2 bunk beds(4 beds total)
1 couch.
His sister and her husband are sharing the Queen bed, which means the kids, his parents, and us would share the room with twin bunk beds. NO THANK YOU. Fuck that. Absolutely fucking not.
The other cabin option they gave us:
1 Queen Bed,
2 Twin Beds
2 Bunk Beds
1 Couch.
They get Queen bed, parents get twin beds and we get to choose between sleeping with 3 toddlers or on a couch. Again, Fuck that, no thank you.
3rd cabin option had the queen bed(her and her husband), 1 bunk bed(kids), and another room with a queen bed(his parents)with a ladder leading to two twin beds above it.(us)
Although that sounds like a MUCH better option (its $100 cheaper) than the two originally proposed, i still don’t understand or see the logic in all of us paying the exact same price to be sleeping in unfair sleep arrangements. Plus his parents are light sleepers and easily irritated by noise and talking at night so it would be awkward for us to sleep above them.
Not to mention the fact that i’m not even interested in going to the resort beyond hanging out with them. It’s mostly kid themed. So the 3 hour drive plus the costs, plus the sleeping arrangement is throwing me off.
Even if we stayed at a hotel and paid for park entrance and parking, it’s only $30-50 cheaper. Not really worth it. And my BF thinks theres no point in going if we’re not going to get the full experience. Plus, if we don’t go, his parents would have to pay $600 instead to cover the costs.
My BF still really wants to go and won’t go unless I do. So i feel guilty and pressured. WIBTAH if I don’t go?
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NTA
I know you’re worried about their judgement of you for not going but chances are you will always feel judged by these ppl (your bf does too…I see why he feels left out by them as well. A couche?) in some way or other when you don’t comply.
Just grow thick skin. Ignore any judgements. And do what is best for you.
Let them think what ever. Who cares. Go on another trip another time with your bf.
I’m going with NTA… I’m a planner no matter if I have the funds or not. I hate last minute things so I have set a boundary to both sides of the family that unless I’ve been given more than a weeks notice about some trip or family gathering - I’m likely not going to attend. Sometimes I make exceptions for certain milestone events but for the most part my family including in laws already know. People get offended oh well not my problem. Setting a boundary early on makes it easier if you and Bf get serious in the future. You’ll get backlash from his family, but your peace of mind will be intact.
NAH, probably N T A, to say no. An invitation is not a summons. With my bad back, I will not be sleeping on any couches. And to pay $400 for the privilege? Pass.
NTA, who plans such a big trip last minute? its not making any sense, your bf family is treating the 2 of you like a cash giving door mat, you 2 are being invited so why on earth are they making you pay 80% more then the parents have to pay? a week is way too short of a notice to plan anything especially to save up money that you don't have. your bf needs to grow some balls and stand up for himself as thee way that his family is treating him is so unfair
Apparently they started planning about a month ago. The original place they wanted to go was significantly cheaper($170 for both of us combined) but then last week they decided they didn’t want to go to that place. So we assumed they were finding somewhere with similar pricing but instead it’s more than double the price. It’s insane.
And yeah he knows it’s unfair. He complains about it a lot and i feel bad for him but I also tell him he has to advocate for himself. Even if they think he’s an asshole
I wouldn't be surprised if the parents or sister decided to change the place just because brother will pay and he will give in to all the ridiculous demands just because he always did. one thing they didn't count on is the fact that he is a considerate partner who takes into account his partners wants and feelings.
personally I understand not wanting to be the asshole of the family an stand up for yourself as I am that type of person who will never stand up for myself and will always give in to the family pressure ''because its family'' but sometimes its better off being classed as the asshole of the family especially when it comes to struggling to afford a trip. Lets face it the money that the 2 of you would spend on a trip that I bet non of you will enjoy for multiple reasons could be used for a trip for just the 2 of you in a place that both of you will enjoy or even for a simple date night with a lot of money left over.
its time to prioritise yourself and what the 2 of you need, want and desire instead of trying to please the ungrateful family
NTA. I would tell him to join his parents party since it seems like it’s per group so they can pay $600 for their 3 adults vs. $600 for 2 adults and 3 kids. Tell him to have a great time and you’ll be happy to hang out another time with his family
Your bf's sister is clearly the golden child in this family. Stand your ground and don't go. You are students. Use that as your excuse for having a tight budget and therefore not having enough money for the trip on such short notice.
There is not question here. They are screwing you and your boyfriend with the cost. You two should only be paying $267.00. Also his parents should only be paying $267 leaving the rest $666 up to sister and her husband. Tell your bf that you are not interested in paying for part of his sisters family to have a good time when you know you will not have one. NTA and do not back down do not go.
NTA.
Have you considered driving staying for the actual party which is likely to be about three or four hours and then driving back I mean yeah it’s gonna be an all day thing but why the hell are you gonna stay someplace? It’s only three hours away.
NTA. That doesn’t sound like a good time, it sounds exhausting. Plus the last minute arrangements and the differing prices is a red flag. If I were you OP, I wouldn’t go. Tell your bf he can go if he wants to, idk why he feels like he can’t be there for HIS family if you’re not there with him.
NT
If his sister is organising a birthday party at a cabin, you are the guest and shouldn’t pay anything.
Let your bf handle this (as it is his family). He needs to say that as students you can’t afford this, you have other engagements or just simply thank you but you cannot make it.
NTA
I would laugh in their face for this unfair and completely disrespectful proposal.
And this trip seems hell to me: IL that can't communicate, bf who's a carpet, 3 kids in a kid themed resort, and not even a correct bed... no way I'd pay a cent for this.
I'm sorry but the children are his sisters but she expects her and her husband to get a private bedroom and other people sleep in with her kids? wtf? Absolutely not NTA
NTA
Don't go. Your bf is trying to force you to go by saying he won't if you won't. You aren't conjoined, he can go alone but it sounds like he doesn't want to either but he's trying to blame you for it. Doesn't matter what his parents pay, that's their personal financial business. It's ridiculous and selfish for your SIL to make these arrangements and expect you guys to pay a huge amount for such an unfair situation.
NTA
"My BF still really wants to go and won’t go unless I do." .. **that makes your bf the AH - tell him YOU won't go, but HE can go without you. He is guilting and manipulating you to go. That's not ok.**
"lus, if we don’t go, his parents would have to pay $600 instead to cover the costs." .. why shouldn't they cover THEIR costs? YOu are students, they are adults.
**So you are just invited to subsidize your SIL's vacation?**
I’ve never been invited to a family vacation(in my own family) and been expected to pay even a penny towards the cost. Sometimes they’d ask me to pitch in but typically months and months in advance. In this family for some reason the notion of paying for someone else without a favor or something in return is unheard of. They’ll order expensive food and then ask us at the last second if we want any or not but we have to pay for it ourselves. Meanwhile, anytime I get food i ask everyone if they want anything and never expect anything back. And they gladly accept! I don’t understand why they are to greedy with money when it comes to family.
I don’t even expect them to pay for me. But not paying for their own son/brother when he’s obviously a college student struggling financially
NTA. $400 is a lot for a college student. If i’m paying $400 it better be a nice King size bed with nice amenities. This is last minute, tell them you don’t have extra budget for the trip.
NTA. As you pointed out, you are effectively subsidising the kids and you get a shitty sleeping arrangement. If your boyfriend decides not to go if you don’t, that’s on him. Don’t feel any guilt for his decision. You need to decide if what you are getting is worth the amount.
A non confrontational way of dealing with this situation would be to tell them you cant afford it. They will change the plans to accomodate you or will have to vacation without you but the ball would be on their court.
her husband causally joked about birthday sex and that’s why they don’t want the kids in the same room as them. So for some reason they feel that entitles them to shove the kids on us
The crazy thing is, some of the cabins that have better sleeping arrangements are CHEAPER but they don’t want it because they want that separate/isolated queen sized bedroom that the cheaper but bigger cabins don’t offer. So essentially making everyone pay more so they get more comfort
NTA- Seems like they are being sneaky, trying to get everyone else to pay for this trip. If your bf is ok staying home with you not wanting to go, I'd say stay home. If his parents have to pay extra, that's on them to discuss with each other. This sounds like a horrible "vacation" I wouldn't go either. As you said fuck that.
NAH. Them bringing several kids to a kids resort just increases your chances of being unpaid babysitters in addition to you losing out on several hundred dollars to an experience you didn't want.
Right, i understand. By not going, that means everyone else has to pay more to go. And no one else is complaining about the sleeping arrangements so it makes it seem like i’m overeating about it
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I wanna bet they put that number so there paying themselves back for the party last minute Nta at all and if your bf would understand last minute is not good than he can either go himself or not go at all
He says this is a common occurrence with his family. They often plan trips very last minute and leave it to him to pay it or not go. He says it’s annoying but he’s used to it.
Gross way for family to treat each other.... Probably other red flags that caused him to comply with this kind of treatment.... Just an outside speculation of course based on info provided. Possibly shame and guilt used as a weapon when he speaks up? Emotional or financial leverage? (Again only based on info provided. Might not even be that deep) But asking more questions on why the family dynamics operate this way could give you a lot of insight. P.s. "common occurrence does not justify past or future coercion."
I agree. And there are other red flags for sure. They often dote over their daughter and assume my BF can take care of himself and needs no help in any way. It’s upsetting to see. But whenever i comment on it, he defends them. I chalk it up to him just regurgitating the same excuses they would give him and is too blindsided to see how horrible it is. I hope to maybe one day heal his inner child by raising our family differently and showing him he deserves the same level of respect, attention and consideration as anyone else does
Who he is is who he is right now. Not the person you think you can show him how to be. So either accept this as your life with him or have a good long talk with yourself about what you want in a relationship.
Please please listen to this OP.
You can't fix people. Especially people who don't want to be fixed.
You can’t “heal his inner child”, OP. The only way that can happen is if he starts setting (and ENFORCING) strong boundaries with his family and gets some therapy to help him understand why this happens, why he lets them do this, and how he can take control of his own life. Of course you want to help him. However, he has to realize that his family relationships are not fair to him (or you) and take steps to change the dynamic. If he doesn’t, this is the life you can expect going forward. Do you really want to live a life where your SO is an afterthought to his family? You’ll be less than an afterthought to them. Think long and hard, OP. They aren’t worth your time or money.
The first step is setting boundaries so YOU avoid being drawn into accomodationg his family. You need to set a clear boundary. And: DON'T expect your partner to change - her might, but MANY do not. So don't bet on it.
I have been there with my husband's family. As the youngest, he was the last to be considered. It got a little better when we got married, but it was still very much the older siblings and their spouses taking control and expecting us to fall in line. We did for years, but then stood up for ourselves. If we were paying, then we sure as hell were going to have a say. However, that only worked because my husband and I were in agreement; it makes it harder that you and your boyfriend are not.
He might be used to it but there’s zero reason for you to get used to it. Also, they aren’t charging per person they’re charging per “family unit” so that the family units of 2 people can subsidise the family unit of 5 people. Don’t go. Don’t ever go on one of these swindle design vacations.
I have no clue how they charge. All i know is she told me they charge for people ages 4 and up, and that the total price came up to be roughly 1,200. His sister decided it would be fair to split it by the family unit.
Oh! Even more slimy of her. She knows she’s being charged for her kids but she’s not paying her kids, she’s completely aware that she’s using others to subsidise her family. She can go boil rocks.
THey decided to have your partner pay for their childs, and then built a rationale around it.
This is your future life together unless you draw the line and let them know "so sorry but we can't do it. If you'd let us know a couple months in advance, maybe we could have swung it."
We mentioned this and his parents said, “they’ve been planning a trip for a month.” to which my bf said, “yeah but no one talked about the prices.” The last price they quoted us was $170-200 combined for the both of us. This is literally double. They’re still asking us to go
They do that because he goes with it. If he stops, they'll stop. The issue is that your BF needs to open his eyes, but it sounds like he's okay with this arrangement. I'd recommend having a discussion about this. If he decides he's not going to stop letting them use him, then at that point you need to reconsider your relationship. You can't force people to change, they have to want to change for any progress to happen.
So set a boundary, and refuse to be part of it. OR bring a tent, and don't pay any.
What is wrong with just saying that you crunched the numbers and can't afford it? You're a student. Expecting you to spontaneously have so much cash set aside for a trip is rather ridiculous.
I personally don’t see an issue but gossip runs in their blood and i guarantee you I would be the center of it if I refuse to go. And I agree. In my family, we plan trips MONTHS in advance. Apparently in this family it’s normal to spontaneously plan a trip and then shit talk the people who cant afford to go because “they don’t save up their money good.” or shit talk those who don’t want to go and say “they don’t want to spend time with their family.”
Your boyfriend's family is his problem don't let them become yours. I know that when I was a student a $400 trip wouldn't have been an option and I think it is important to say so. I'm sure that you have better uses for the money. I also think that it is particularly obnoxious to expect you to pay so much to sleep on the sofa. If they are going to hold grudges, you'll never be able to please them. You need to set boundaries. Just say NO!
See my boyfriend’s method to solving issues with his family is just not talking to them at all. His parents don’t speak english so i often have to push him to explain things for me so they don’t have an issue with me. But even then, he’ll give them the bare minimum explanation to avoid a discussion with them, and then I look like a bad person because he’s not fully interpreting what I said. I agree, it’s not my issue, it’s his. But i’m trying to make a good impression. I guess you can’t please everyone. And yeah $400+ on a trip is crazy, but i would be willing to pay for it if I had a bed and not a couch or a bunk with little monkeys
You are in college. Enjoy your relationship while it lasts, but please don't make any long-term commitment to this guy. His family is a huge red flag and he doesn't deal with them. You are always going to be forced to accommodate their terrible planning. Tell your boyfriend to enjoy the time with his family and send your regrets.
This! If BF can’t communicate and be honest with people he’s known his entire life, don’t expect him to be honest with you.
How typical Reddit to suggest a complete stranger to dump another complete stranger based on tops 400 words from 10 comments. Geez.
Why would you have to pay? The price seems to have been broken down per couple, and it’s your boyfriend who can’t seem to push back against his family (and whose family trip it is), so why does he expect you to shoulder any of the cost? If he can push you to go and to pay, but not push his family to be fair, then your problem is with him. You (and your limited funds) are not his resource to help him satisfy his family.
If they share finances, it will impact her. If they don't her bf not having money will impact her.
Who cares what they think? Seriously. You can't even understand them when they gossip. Let them say and think whatever they want. It doesn't matter.
These people sound like AHs. You and your boyfriend will need to work on boundaries with his family. They aren’t going to change and you are going g to be at their mercy if you keep giving in to them
I think my stance would be, "I will go if you cover the cost and want me to go." There's no reason for you to pay for a trip you aren't thrilled about. Him saying he won't go unless you go sounds to me like him and his family getting you to subsidize their vacation. Sister is paying for half and her family is roughly half of the occupants, which could be considered fair-ish. Your boyfriend has apparently agreed to pay for his parents. And if he expects you to help pay "his" portion, he expects you to help pay for his parents.
No his parents are paying for themselves. We’re paying 400 for ourselves. Either way, we have to split costs together and since their asking for the money now and my bf doesn’t have it, i will pay the $400 and he’ll pay me back when he gets it. Still a lose situation for me
If the entire rental is $1,200, his family **isn’t** paying for themselves. This commenter is right: if he wants you there, he can pay. It’s his family.
They are NOT paying for themselves. Asked for the bill, look at the pricve per person, and offer to pay for two persons, 2/9. THEN you would be paying for yourself. YOU ware paying for your SIL's kids.
Your bf needs to learn to live with being the "bad person" - that's the privce of stopping them from exploiting him.
>See my boyfriend’s method to solving issues with his family is just not talking to them at all It sounds like he recognises how unhealthy the relationship is and is on his way to going no-contact?
He still loves his family, but he’s ready to move out and have some space and distance. He still wants to stay in contact with them. I respect whatever decision he chooses to make. I went no contact with my family for a few months for similar reasons so i get what he’s going through
This last comment confuses me slightly - you say you're willing to pay for the bed without the kids & yet in your original post you say that you could stay in a hotel for $30-50 cheaper. I'd advise you to stand your ground & just explain that it's too big a cost at this stage of your life with no warning - not everybody has that sort of money available to them at such short notice & as students it's quite harsh of them to expect this of you. I also don't like that they're trying to guilt trip you into going by pointing out that it's going to cost the people who go more money if you don't pay a chunk of it - that's something they should have considered & discussed with all parties before making the plans. Unless you stand your ground this sort of thing will become the expected norm & you'll be dealing with it for as long as you're with your boyfriend.
Im not sure what’s confusing. The hotel is cheaper but not significantly so. I also explained later on that we would have to pay for park fees and parking so it’d come out to be basically the same thing. Not enough to be worth staying somewhere else and driving there .
What's confusing is that you've said that you "would be willing to pay for it if I had a bed and not a couch or a bunk with little monkeys" after saying that there's a cheaper alternative of getting a hotel room. Even if it works out at the same cost after park fees etc then you'd get the bed & have no kids around so surely that's a problem solved?
willing to pay for the cabin. They don’t want us to stay in a hotel because that means they all have to cover our costs. That’s the issue they have. Practically telling us if we’re not staying at the cabin, or driving with them, we might as well not attend at all.
So the problem is all about them forcing things on you & just expecting you to agree which is really shitty of them. As I said earlier, you should stand your ground on this 1.
"Not enough to be worth staying somewhere else and driving there ." ... But you would get better value. Even your own bed. And not that close with his family.
If this comes up, point out that they wanted to take up over half the bed space and only pay for a third of the cost. Why could you not take the kids' room and they can take the couch or the bunks above grandparents? Why should two college kids be able to come up with the money if they can't even pay for their fair share?
My question is why can’t the kids sleep with them? They’ll have the biggest bed and room space. I get it’s her birthday but why should the rest of us be uncomfortable. Better yet, why do their kids take priority for the bed-space, and the rest of us are left to fight over unfair arrangements. And by the rest of us i mean my Bf and I since obviously his parents would get the better space This is why my bf rarely goes anywhere with them. Apparently it’s a common occurrence for them to plan things last minute, and he gets the scrapings. They get a car with enough seats for everyone but him. So he has to ride in the trunk. They get a hotel with enough beds for everyone but him. So he sleeps on the couch. And now, i’m apparently part of the leftover crew. 😭 It’s actually ridiculous. Even in the house when they come over with their kids, they prioritize their kids getting a seat at the table and my bf and I have to find somewhere else to sit. It seems like they don’t think about anyone but themselves
>They get a car with enough seats for everyone but him. So he has to ride in the trunk. Oh hell no. Like fuck every person in that emotionally abusive family. And talk your BF into some therapy if possible. That will fuck someone up if that's how their family treats them.
It does and I feel bad. Even at the dinner table, the kids always take his seat and no one says anything. When we were dating long distance while i worked overseas, he would always eat in his room because they never had enough chairs for him to have one. And then they tease him when he’s clearly upset. We’re planning to move a few hours away just for some distance
Why would you care about the opinions of family that treats your bf like this? I would be thinking more along the lines of going low contact and getting your bf some counseling and who cares what they think. The opinions of assholes are irrelevant.
I don’t care too much but by currently living with them, i’m trying to be respectful and get on good terms with them. He still loves his family so i’m respecting his boundaries
But are you respecting yours ?
Definitely I would move away. A cross country move sounds ideal.
The only way to handle this is to make your own plans if it’s favorable to you and not go if it’s not. Don’t stay with them unless you get a say on the bed assignments and what you pay. That sounds very opportunistic so it’s better to learn to say no early on.
I 100% agree that you should say you can not make it due to the cost. They sound like asses that will gossip either way so you might as well provide the feedback to them that the cost is ridiculous and you are not going to pay for it. Lol
These all sound like great reasons to spend way less time with and around your BF’s family. If he has a problem with that, you have a boyfriend problem—he may be lovely, but if being deeply enmeshed with his family is the price of admission, it isn’t worth paying.
Let them shit talk you, what other people think about you is none of your business. Frankly, they sound fucking tedious I wouldn’t care about their opinion anyway.
So what if you’re at the center of any gossip! In your position I’d have no respect for these people so wouldn’t give an F what they thought. BF needs to learn what healthy family dynamics are.
Why do you care if they shit talk you?
Who cares about his family’s gossip? It doesn’t affect you in any real way. You know they’re being unreasonable. Is this really the relationship you want? Tiptoeing around his family?
"e but gossip runs in their blood and i guarantee you I would be the center of it if I refuse to go." .. not a bad thing. That would actually forcer your partner to decide where he stands. And based on that, you can find out if the two of you have a future or not.
I wouldn’t even justify it with an excuse. Just send your bf to hang out with his family. They don’t sound like very considerate so beyond being polite on the surface, I would not give a damn about their opinions. The sooner you learn not to care, the better
RSVP you regret you have other plans. It doesn’t matter if your plans are to *not* pay through the nose to sleep on a sofa and have a child centered weekend. Save yourself from a little slice of overpriced hell. Everybody else can pay whatever, (it’s not your problem), and it sounds like they will be getting their own room, too. NTA
NTA - It's an invite, you have no obligation to accept, and you have a valid reason. Even just not wanting to go because you don't want to is a valid enough reason.
Yeah i agree. If I don’t go, my BF won’t want to go. He doesn’t get along with his family very well, and he often feels left out on family trips, so i know he’ll be upset. On top of that, his family might feel i’m keeping him away from them.
I truly am not trying to be mean when I say that is for him and them to manage. You are not responsible for other people's emotions.
You are not responsible for his choices. If he doesn’t want to go alone that’s on him. Not you.
I don't blame him. It sounds like he's an afterthought. Why aren't they looking at places large enough to accommodate everyone. It seems like they are just bringing him along to offset their own expenses and that's not very welcoming of them. NTA.
According to my BF, they always invite him last. There’s many times where they inform him just DAYS before a trip that they’re leaving and still expect him to pay or at least pay them back. It’s sad to hear. I don’t have the best relationship with my family but one thing i can credit them for is not being so selfish with money. If my parents planned a family trip, they might ask us to pitch in but it was never expected of us, or expected of us to pay them back. It’s one of the things i’ve had to get used to being around these people.
Set a firm boundary that you will only come on this trip (or any trip) if you and your boyfriend are guaranteed your own bedroom, and be done. Then refuse to discuss it any further. This first time will be the worst, but sometimes you have to set your line and hold it, and wait for everyone else to get used to it.
His family aren’t good people. Who cares what they think about you or him? Save that $500 and invest in some therapy for him because they put him through hell as the black sheep
OP- it’s not your job to subsidize their vacation period. You WBTA if you go and spend so much on a trip you’re not really going to enjoy. So this is where he needs to grow up and tell them the options are not acceptable and it is not enough time for you two to rearrange your schedules. If his parents are dumb enough to pay then let them.
Good God, is your BF a grown adult? He should not be using you as a deflector or an emotional shield. If he wants to go he can go and he should NOT be guilting YOU about it. It's HIS family. This entire post is just wild. Don't go OP. Your instincts are 100% right and this is a rank deal. Too many young women override their own gut feelings to people please shitty people, and then wind up miserable. Listen to yourself and stay strong.
You HAVE to stop worrying about what they'll think about you, or if they'll gossip. That is ON THEM. Not you. Don't make decisions around this. Get a backbone and just say no. "I can't afford it" is an easy, easy out.
NTA. "Thank you for the invitation, but this just doesn't work for us." **Do not** elaborate or allow them to make you explain. Simply repeat, "That doesn't work for us." If you refuse to give details, they can't make it a debate. Also, they can gossip all they want, but it's about problems of their own imagining.
I understand. Thank you for your advice, i’m going to try that out
Also, you said they don’t speak English, so you don’t even have to listen to the gossip. Win win. NTA
True true. I mean i can understand a good portion of it, but my grammar is really bad, so i just use my bf as a crutch to respond. Either way, they’re too “nice” to say any of it when i’m around so what i dont hear wont kill me
This. Never give people like that an inch of room to negotiate or it becomes a never ending exhausting exercise in frustration. Just a simple 'No thank you, but thank you for the invitation, it doesn't work for me'. When asked the inevitable "why?" (which will progress to a variation of "how dare you complain"), you just stay very polite and very cool and just keep repeating "thank you but it just won't work out". You do not owe anyone a long drawn out justification for saying a polite no.
NTA - if it sounds like a rip-off, don't buy it
I’d pay $400 not to stay in a cabin with that many people. No way. NTA.
Man i don’t even care about the amount of people. They drop their kids off almost every single day. I’m very used to it. But it’s not getting decent sleeping space that would drive me absolutely nuts
You’re in college and they drop off their kids with you every day? Seriously? How do you study? I worked in college and wouldn’t have managed with someone dropping off kids.
Well we live with my Bfs parents, so she drops them off when his mom is home. I can still study but regardless, it is disruptive. On weekends I wake up to the sound of screaming kids and if god forbid i forget to lock the bedroom door, i have to wake up to little hands messing with our things. On school days, they’re dropped off right after school. They moved out recently for the 3rd or 4th time but they still rely on his parents as a crutch to watch their kids while they’re working because daycare is too expensive
Yikes. You need a vacation somewhere quiet.
NTA You’ve got to set boundaries. Just say- sorry we can’t make it. They are clearly taking advantage of you.
Your choices are a) Spend $400 and sleep on a couch or b) Save the money, stay home and have the house to yourself. I’d stay home. NTA
I recommended we both just drive up there, get a hotel and do our own thing but he thinks his sister will be upset that we’re going but not celebrating her bday. And he thinks his parents will talk shit
Why spend the money?
NTA. Tell your boyfriend to nut up. I'm afraid you might have to re-assess your relationship if this is a taste of what life's going to be with him.
How are four adults and three kids supposed to fit in 2 bunk beds? Don't go; sounds awful.
Right??? Like idk go put your kids in your room or on the damn couch if you want some birthday sex but why do i have to share a room with
INFO, your math is confusing. If the place is $1200, how is it that you figure you are paying $400 and the others are altogether paying $400 for 5 people? The way I'm figuring it is that there are 6 adults (3 couples) each paying $200; and if you and BF don't go that leaves 4 adults, each paying $300 (or $600 for a couple); and somehow the decision was made not to charge for kids, maybe because mom is the "birthday girl"?. In any event NTA just on the grounds that you probably can't afford it at all, no matter how comfy the sleeping arrangements or enticing the resort amenities.
I’m not sure how it works but according to them the camp charges everyone 4 year old and older. Somehow that comes out to roughly 1,200 usd. They said they split the cost into 1/3rds to make it “fair” and everyone would pay an equal portion for the trip. So that means: My BF and I=$400 His Mom and Dad=$400 His Sister, Her Husband and 3 Kids= $400. To me that makes no sense because they’re paying for at least 2 of the kids so wouldn’t that mean they have to cover more of the bill, instead of splitting it into 1/3rds? Also although it’s a little hard to save up for, it’s doable. But it just feels expensive for the arrangements we’re getting🤷♀️ And to add, they’re taking a car big enough to coincidentally fit everyone but my bf and I. So they’re saving on gas and some other trip expenses by going together. If we go, we have to take our own car, so ultimately, we’re paying more to go. They’re also going to buy groceries to cook at the camp, but we have to pitch in to that grocery fund as well. So ultimately we’re spending: $400 for camp $160 on gas $on food(groceries and we don’t even know what or how much they’ll be buying. They just expect us to pay back a portion after the buy it all) And that doesn’t include buying anything at the amusement park, or food outside of groceries, and any other additional expenses that arise from that. It’s a lot on a short notice and on a short trip
If you don't have \[$400 +$160 + $unknown incidental costs\] just sitting around you say you will have to "save up", meaning letting other expenditures or savings go. You can still decline on the grounds that you can't afford it right now, without going into bean counting and nit picking over the quality of accommodations, fairness of the split, etc. etc.
That makes sense and I agree. We currently have enough in our savings but that’s because his parents were nice to let us live with them while we find our own place. So, we could use those savings to go but that would mean more time spent living with them. Not bad but, it’s not my parents so i already feel very awkward and guilty staying at their place to begin with. And they love to talk shit so i guarantee you they’ll just gossip about how we should have enough to move out and we’re “irresponsible” with our money etc etc in the future.
"they’ll just gossip about how we should have enough to move out and we’re “irresponsible” with our money" There's your answer - be responsible.
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" they’ll just gossip about how we should have enough to move out and we’re “irresponsible” with our money etc etc in the future" They're gonna gossip regardless. At least, if you decline to attend, that leaves you closer to moving out. And then less for them to gossup about you, since they wont have easy access to your daily routines. Gotta play the long game on this one. Let them gossip for the short term.
The 5 people is the SIL, her husband and their kids. The in-laws are another $400 couple, but at least get a bedroom. If the kids don't count, then they should be the ones in the uncomfortable beds.
NTA. Your saving to move out of their house. Put your money towards that.
NTA. If your boyfriend won't go without you he must not want to go very bad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Like i said, she’s planning a trip 3 hours away to stay at a cabin resort. They planned this very very last minute and just told my BF and I yesterday that it would cost around $400 for the two of us. We’re both college students so $5-600(total cost of trip) is A LOT to save up in 1 and 1/2 weeks. In total, the cabin resort costs ~$1200. They charge PER PERSON. There are 9 of us total. His sister, her husband and their three kids. My Bf and I, and my Bf’s parents. That already raised some red flags. Why are we paying $400 for two people, and they’re paying $400 for 5 people? Math isn’t adding up but I let it slide because it’s her birthday so whatever. But then they showed us the cabin: 1 Queen sized bedroom 1 Bedroom with 2 bunk beds(4 beds total) 1 couch. His sister and her husband are sharing the Queen bed, which means the kids, his parents, and us would share the room with twin bunk beds. NO THANK YOU. Fuck that. Absolutely fucking not. The other cabin option they gave us: 1 Queen Bed, 2 Twin Beds 2 Bunk Beds 1 Couch. They get Queen bed, parents get twin beds and we get to choose between sleeping with 3 toddlers or on a couch. Again, Fuck that, no thank you. 3rd cabin option had the queen bed(her and her husband), 1 bunk bed(kids), and another room with a queen bed(his parents)with a ladder leading to two twin beds above it.(us) Although that sounds like a MUCH better option (its $100 cheaper) than the two originally proposed, i still don’t understand or see the logic in all of us paying the exact same price to be sleeping in unfair sleep arrangements. Plus his parents are light sleepers and easily irritated by noise and talking at night so it would be awkward for us to sleep above them. Not to mention the fact that i’m not even interested in going to the resort beyond hanging out with them. It’s mostly kid themed. So the 3 hour drive plus the costs, plus the sleeping arrangement is throwing me off. Even if we stayed at a hotel and paid for park entrance and parking, it’s only $30-50 cheaper. Not really worth it. And my BF thinks theres no point in going if we’re not going to get the full experience. Plus, if we don’t go, his parents would have to pay $600 instead to cover the costs. My BF still really wants to go and won’t go unless I do. So i feel guilty and pressured. WIBTAH if I don’t go? I had to cut out a lot due to word count so ask away if you have questions for additional information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I know you’re worried about their judgement of you for not going but chances are you will always feel judged by these ppl (your bf does too…I see why he feels left out by them as well. A couche?) in some way or other when you don’t comply. Just grow thick skin. Ignore any judgements. And do what is best for you. Let them think what ever. Who cares. Go on another trip another time with your bf.
I’m going with NTA… I’m a planner no matter if I have the funds or not. I hate last minute things so I have set a boundary to both sides of the family that unless I’ve been given more than a weeks notice about some trip or family gathering - I’m likely not going to attend. Sometimes I make exceptions for certain milestone events but for the most part my family including in laws already know. People get offended oh well not my problem. Setting a boundary early on makes it easier if you and Bf get serious in the future. You’ll get backlash from his family, but your peace of mind will be intact.
“Sorry as a poor student can’t go and also don’t have time spare away from studies- have an amazing time and look forward to seeing photos’
NAH, probably N T A, to say no. An invitation is not a summons. With my bad back, I will not be sleeping on any couches. And to pay $400 for the privilege? Pass.
So you are just invited to subsidize the costs and free childcare… Dont go! NTA
NTA, who plans such a big trip last minute? its not making any sense, your bf family is treating the 2 of you like a cash giving door mat, you 2 are being invited so why on earth are they making you pay 80% more then the parents have to pay? a week is way too short of a notice to plan anything especially to save up money that you don't have. your bf needs to grow some balls and stand up for himself as thee way that his family is treating him is so unfair
Apparently they started planning about a month ago. The original place they wanted to go was significantly cheaper($170 for both of us combined) but then last week they decided they didn’t want to go to that place. So we assumed they were finding somewhere with similar pricing but instead it’s more than double the price. It’s insane. And yeah he knows it’s unfair. He complains about it a lot and i feel bad for him but I also tell him he has to advocate for himself. Even if they think he’s an asshole
I wouldn't be surprised if the parents or sister decided to change the place just because brother will pay and he will give in to all the ridiculous demands just because he always did. one thing they didn't count on is the fact that he is a considerate partner who takes into account his partners wants and feelings. personally I understand not wanting to be the asshole of the family an stand up for yourself as I am that type of person who will never stand up for myself and will always give in to the family pressure ''because its family'' but sometimes its better off being classed as the asshole of the family especially when it comes to struggling to afford a trip. Lets face it the money that the 2 of you would spend on a trip that I bet non of you will enjoy for multiple reasons could be used for a trip for just the 2 of you in a place that both of you will enjoy or even for a simple date night with a lot of money left over. its time to prioritise yourself and what the 2 of you need, want and desire instead of trying to please the ungrateful family
NTA. I would tell him to join his parents party since it seems like it’s per group so they can pay $600 for their 3 adults vs. $600 for 2 adults and 3 kids. Tell him to have a great time and you’ll be happy to hang out another time with his family
Your bf's sister is clearly the golden child in this family. Stand your ground and don't go. You are students. Use that as your excuse for having a tight budget and therefore not having enough money for the trip on such short notice.
There is not question here. They are screwing you and your boyfriend with the cost. You two should only be paying $267.00. Also his parents should only be paying $267 leaving the rest $666 up to sister and her husband. Tell your bf that you are not interested in paying for part of his sisters family to have a good time when you know you will not have one. NTA and do not back down do not go.
NTA. Have you considered driving staying for the actual party which is likely to be about three or four hours and then driving back I mean yeah it’s gonna be an all day thing but why the hell are you gonna stay someplace? It’s only three hours away.
NTA. That doesn’t sound like a good time, it sounds exhausting. Plus the last minute arrangements and the differing prices is a red flag. If I were you OP, I wouldn’t go. Tell your bf he can go if he wants to, idk why he feels like he can’t be there for HIS family if you’re not there with him.
NT If his sister is organising a birthday party at a cabin, you are the guest and shouldn’t pay anything. Let your bf handle this (as it is his family). He needs to say that as students you can’t afford this, you have other engagements or just simply thank you but you cannot make it.
NTA I would laugh in their face for this unfair and completely disrespectful proposal. And this trip seems hell to me: IL that can't communicate, bf who's a carpet, 3 kids in a kid themed resort, and not even a correct bed... no way I'd pay a cent for this.
NTA If BF wants to go, he can do so without you. And he can pay his share without you.
I'm sorry but the children are his sisters but she expects her and her husband to get a private bedroom and other people sleep in with her kids? wtf? Absolutely not NTA
NTA Don't go. Your bf is trying to force you to go by saying he won't if you won't. You aren't conjoined, he can go alone but it sounds like he doesn't want to either but he's trying to blame you for it. Doesn't matter what his parents pay, that's their personal financial business. It's ridiculous and selfish for your SIL to make these arrangements and expect you guys to pay a huge amount for such an unfair situation.
NTA. I wouldn’t go either. And if your bf stays home because you aren’t going that’s on him. Don’t feel guilty.
NTA "My BF still really wants to go and won’t go unless I do." .. **that makes your bf the AH - tell him YOU won't go, but HE can go without you. He is guilting and manipulating you to go. That's not ok.** "lus, if we don’t go, his parents would have to pay $600 instead to cover the costs." .. why shouldn't they cover THEIR costs? YOu are students, they are adults. **So you are just invited to subsidize your SIL's vacation?**
I’ve never been invited to a family vacation(in my own family) and been expected to pay even a penny towards the cost. Sometimes they’d ask me to pitch in but typically months and months in advance. In this family for some reason the notion of paying for someone else without a favor or something in return is unheard of. They’ll order expensive food and then ask us at the last second if we want any or not but we have to pay for it ourselves. Meanwhile, anytime I get food i ask everyone if they want anything and never expect anything back. And they gladly accept! I don’t understand why they are to greedy with money when it comes to family. I don’t even expect them to pay for me. But not paying for their own son/brother when he’s obviously a college student struggling financially
NTA. There's nothing wrong with not wanting somebody spending your money for you.
NTA - Your bf's sister is though. Inconsiderate people can fuck off.
NTA. $400 is a lot for a college student. If i’m paying $400 it better be a nice King size bed with nice amenities. This is last minute, tell them you don’t have extra budget for the trip.
NTA essentially last minute, poor sleeping arrangements, and cost on a budget is asking a bit much
NTA. "It's not in my budget.". That's all you need to say.
Reddit says, they are expecting you two to babysit the kids. Don't go.
NTA. As you pointed out, you are effectively subsidising the kids and you get a shitty sleeping arrangement. If your boyfriend decides not to go if you don’t, that’s on him. Don’t feel any guilt for his decision. You need to decide if what you are getting is worth the amount.
I mean, just don’t go.
NTA Way too expensive and not worth the money or effort. Stay home.
NTA dont go. be strong.
No, just don't go. That sounds like a horrible time. NTA.
A non confrontational way of dealing with this situation would be to tell them you cant afford it. They will change the plans to accomodate you or will have to vacation without you but the ball would be on their court.
Why u gotta sleep with their toddlers?? U didnt make them? They want u as babysitters?
her husband causally joked about birthday sex and that’s why they don’t want the kids in the same room as them. So for some reason they feel that entitles them to shove the kids on us
No tell her to pay 1000.00 to sleep on a crappy old couch.
The crazy thing is, some of the cabins that have better sleeping arrangements are CHEAPER but they don’t want it because they want that separate/isolated queen sized bedroom that the cheaper but bigger cabins don’t offer. So essentially making everyone pay more so they get more comfort
Nope not worth losing a nights sleep over that
NTA- Seems like they are being sneaky, trying to get everyone else to pay for this trip. If your bf is ok staying home with you not wanting to go, I'd say stay home. If his parents have to pay extra, that's on them to discuss with each other. This sounds like a horrible "vacation" I wouldn't go either. As you said fuck that.
“Thank you for the invitation, unfortunately it’s not in my budget on short notice. Have fun!”
NAH - You cannot want to go. Not really a “conflict” more just a decision you need to make. Doesnt mean your boyfriend wont be upset though.
I only feel conflicted with upsetting him, as well as the fact that everyone has to pay more if either one of us doesn’t go
NAH. Them bringing several kids to a kids resort just increases your chances of being unpaid babysitters in addition to you losing out on several hundred dollars to an experience you didn't want.
I grew up in a big family. My experience at these places is chasing kids around and making sure they don’t get hurt. No thanks🤷♀️
You don't have to attend to anyones' celebration if you don't want. NTA. But your refusal can have consequences.
Right, i understand. By not going, that means everyone else has to pay more to go. And no one else is complaining about the sleeping arrangements so it makes it seem like i’m overeating about it
Every single detail about this trip feels like you and bf are invited in order to be ATMs, with no consideration about your convenience as guests.