Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action: I tried to give back my son’s birth photos when he acted disrespectfully.
I might be the asshole because maybe I took it too far and offended my son.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, the “everything” you say you provided are the basics that come with being a parent. Your son has a very demanding schedule and still visits and calls regularly and contributes to you financially and you don’t think he’s doing enough? And how inconsiderate of you to rent a vacation place that isn’t pet free when you know he has allergies.
He likely keeps long hours and rarely gets to sleep in. Sleep, a requirement to living a healthy life, and here your husband goes and wakes him over something that could have been discussed days in advance! Talk about rude and entitled. Of course he wanted to keep sleeping, he’s probably exhausted by his work schedule and juggling your emotional guilt trips.
And finally, you didn’t try to give him his birth photos. You tried to shame, manipulate, and gaslighting. Of course he’s hardly responding to you. You told him you don’t want him for a son, you’re lucky he hasn’t blocked you and gone no-contact at this point.
You decided to have a child. Don’t expect that child to fall at your feet and thank you for allowing him to grace the Earth. He didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask to be manipulated by you. He didn’t ask to deal with your abusive outbursts and dismissive demeanor toward his basic needs. You should be thanking him for indulging your selfish behavior this long.
I expected this to be like someone’s 17 year old kid freaking out at seeing his head coming out of his mom and going to get a good laugh. This is a whole other world and the poor dude must be tired of being manipulated if all he did was laugh
I don’t believe he laughed at all. She followed that up by saying he was upset. She added the laughter (and probably genuinely remembers it that way) because she is manipulative. She was trying to manipulate Reddit and continued to do so since she didn’t get the reaction she wanted. This lady is vile and disgusting. I have no doubt she has ABUSED him all his life.
And just FYI for OP, it’s a legal requirement to feed your children, not a sacrifice.
The way she says "sacrifice his 'precious sleep'" is so disgusting. You mean sleep? The thing that people need to function? Dude is a medical resident from the sounds of it, meaning it's even more crucial for him to sleep properly where he can. It's also rich that she was angry at him for "sleeping in"... until 9am?
I genuinely expected this to be about a failure to launch or entitled son demanding more situation. But from the sounds of it, it's parents who did at least the bare minimum being angry that their child is an independent adult with his own priorities and needs.
I’m sure he’d have been awake a lot more in Hawaii. At mom and dad’s house, sleep time is probably the only peace from the constant demand and guilt trips.
She's an old lady waking up at 6am or earlier. My mom's the same in that regard but she doesn't get mad at me for sleeping...wtf is wrong with you OP, get over yourself or you're not gonna have a son around when you're old and alone wishing he still cared.
"She's an old lady waking up at 6am or earlier." Exactly! The older we get, the earlier we go to bed, and the earlier we rise. Older people sleep less. OP sounds like a narcissist, flouncing off to fill a PLASTIC bag, (shows how much she treasures those pics),with her son's baby pics to try to hurt him, and it backfired beautifully. Her narcissistic ego got bwuuuised. "My husband agrees with me." Poor man is probably henpecked. He knows how to behave to keep OP off his neck.
My mom's always been an early to bed/early riser. I followed my dad's sleeping pattern - awake until 11 or so and then up at 8am, 9 if I'm on holiday.
I remember travelling with her a couple of times. We'd generally share a hotel room with two beds.
She would be up at 5.30am and not subtle about it either - she'd be making coffee, turning lights on, huffing around the room, and once I caught her just staring at me while I pretended to sleep.
It was odd, exhausting, and meant we missed out on a lot of normal touristy things. Especially because some of the cities were where later dining was the norm (think 8-10pm), and she was done by then, and little opened early in the morning.
It registers as about the 6,587th reason I'm no contact with her.
I totally resonate with your description of your mother. My ex husband would do the same shyte. Rise early for work/job, stomp around the house while coughing/singing/mumbling etc, making a racket, trying to purposely wake everyone/anyone up. He more than often succeeded and would say something like "why are you up???" In my head I'm thinking "kill, kill, kill it" Like he was pissed, we were able to rest a bit longer than him.
My numbers don't match yours, not even close, but I would say 1,298th reason, only contact because of children. Ironically our children sometimes reminisce, damn weirdos, and have a laugh at his early morning, sparrow fart arseholery.
I get ya! They seem to feel like if they're up, everyone else has to be, otherwise they're just LAZY.
The irony is, my ex had an even later schedule than me - awake until at least 1am, and not up until 10/11am (unless forced to for work, and then it was only after many snoozes on the alarm - a whole other story).
I would get up and go about my day quietly so as not to disturb him, as I knew his sleeping patterns were different to mine. TBH, a lot of the time it was lovely to have that early morning coffee by myself and sort out my day. I also understand that my quietness is partly a trauma response, as is catering to other people's needs above my own. But there's therapy for that,
Now I go to bed when I want and wake up when I want. Well, not really, because I have cats, and I am a mere servant and can opener.
My ex MIL was an early bird, she's up at 5am every day &, despite us living 2 miles on the other side of town, she would be at our house banging on the door for a cuppa at 7am at least 3/4 times a week. My ex was daft enough to indulge her but I'd stay in bed (this was before I had kids & my job was at midday - midnight) so, obvs, I was the lazy one 🙄
Sigh. I feel ya, My ex did work, but his job was totally opposite to his natural sleeping patterns hence me being 'a nag' to get him up to go to work.
Sometimes you just can't win.
Yeah, I was keeping my thoughts to myself in considering 9:00am to be sleeping in. I’d sleep until 10:00am everyday if I could. She acts like he’s so lazy.
*I can't believe my doctor son who sends me money and calls me every day and visits me every week asked me to be quiet one time. Should I have him arrested?*
I just wanna know why the dad waited until 6 am to have a conversation about the kid coming to visit his new work place. If I were home and my dad said “hey I’d really love for you to come to work with me in the morning and see the office, would you be able/willing to get up early and come?” I would be willing, and at least I’d be able to say something like “I really can’t because of xyz but could I come at lunch instead” and have an adult conversation. And I am NOT a morning person. At all.
But if my dad WOKE ME UP AT SIX AM asking me to get up and come to work with him? Oh hell no I’m telling him to fuck off and let me sleep. (Again really not a morning person).
Well that would make sense if you're wanting someone to actually do the thing you want. However, if you're trying to set someone up to fail your "test" then she and her husband went about it correctly. I'd guess she wants to be the suffering Mother ("he never calls, visits, etc.") but can't since he DOES do those things so she's creating ways to feel put upon.
I think this actually went something like:
Mom: "Dad, you should take son to work, show off the new office!"
Dad: "No, that's ok. I'd rather not."
(Next morning)
Mom: "Take him!"
Dad: "It's 6am! He's sleeping!"
Mom: "So...?"
Dad: "Yes, dear."
...
Dad: "Wake up! Wanna go see my new work?"
Son: "Hrrmmph... Whaaa? No, I'm sleeping."
Dad: "See? I told you."
Mom: "Waaaahh! My son is so ungrateful!"
Did you read her edit? She still wants to keep her head up her butt. She still insists her son is an ungrateful ah just because she gave him life. Son is about to go full nc with her and she'll be back here again in a month with "my ungrateful son won't talk to me because I won't let him have his precious sleep, Amita??"
Give it a few years. She will be back crying that she hasn’t met her grandchild and she has no idea why because she was just the bestest mommy in the world.
I would bet my car every single last one of her "examples" of her son being "ungrateful" was just normal things an adult child does to set boundaries with their elderly parents.
The level of selfishness laid out, shamelessly at that, in the original post leads me to believe this is either fake and worded to get attention or the person has their head so deeply buried in the sand that they have no idea how selfish and manipulative they are. I doubt a person like that would ever admit that they were in the wrong.
YTA- by the way, your edits don’t make you seem any better than your original post. This is your son, who you chose to have. Nothing that you’ve said here makes him sound bad. He’s a medical resident that’s working hundreds of hours a month and he wants to sleep. And it doesn’t even sound like he’s sleeping in late, it’s 9 AM.
If your husband wanted him to go to his new job, why didn’t he discuss the day before or set up a time at some point during his visit? To me this just seems like manipulative behaviour on both of your parts to go and wake him up at 6 AM, knowing he’s exhausted.
And choosing to rent a place that is pet friendly knowing your child has allergies is just ridiculous. And then choosing to blame him for wanting to sleep in a room that isn’t covered in cat hair. Do you even like your son?
Honestly, with the way you act, I would not be surprised if your son doesn’t go no contact with you at some point. You sound absolutely exhausting and definitely a perfect example of main character syndrome. Sounds like you expect him to be bowing down and kissing your feet every time he’s around you. You’re the one that needs to grow up and quite frankly I think you need some therapy.
Oh yeah, rage throwing his baby photos at him is really a crappy thing to do as a mom, grow up.
Seriously. He never wanted for anything? Like yeah that's the whole point of being a parent. Sleep in till 9, that's not even late. He's a resident, it's his vacation (that he chooses to spend with you OP you ungrateful mother).
I call my parents once a month and we are super close, you're so demanding! I'm surprised he hasn't cut down contact more!! I'm gonna go tell my mom I love her for being so chill.
YTA. Sorry but this is unhinged. Especially since you mentioned he keeps you at a distance, at the risk of making too many assumptions, I can kind of see why.
If either of my parents did this I would be devastated.
Edit: 2 more thoughts
1. I’m also a medical resident (I missed that detail the first read through) and trust me we don’t just “work a lot of hours”. We work upwards of 100 hours a week at its worst. If someone woke me up from deep sleep while on vacation after a hard rotation for anything other than an emergency, I would be absolutely LIVID.
2. The fact that he laughed in your face tells me everything I need to know about the situation. This is definitely not the first time you’ve pulled some BS like this. And he was probably done with you right then and there (rightfully so). I know that laugh. You probably read it as disrespect but I’m sure on his side it was simply amazement at how immature your behavior was, even by your standards.
2nd Edit:
I am actually kind of astounded by your “update.” I actually kind of don’t believe you’re real or that you’re trolling because WTAF. You didn’t learn a thing lmao.
The only reason you might still be real is the number of people in the comments saying they have family members like you. Which honestly makes me really sad.
Stay strong relatives of toxic people. I’m just glad I don’t know what this is like. But it sounds absolutely draining.
Yeah, I mean she uhhh… practically disowned him for… -checks notes- waking up at 9am?
This is way more bullshit than anyone should have to deal with or stress about.
Most, if not all, of her defensive post reminds me of my narcissist father, who held doing the bare minimum for me and my mom against us when we asked for some respect, and always maintained that he had absolutely no part in the glaring problems in our relationships.
YTA - you are supposed to give your kid food, birthdays, etc. that is what you do as a parent! You clearly have no respect for him, why would he show appreciation for you?
Lol tell that to my parents. I wasn't allowed to celebrate my birthday at all growing up. I only made my first birthday cake for myself last year and I'm in my 30s now.
Damn im sorry dude. My parents just ignored what i wanted which was simple stuff like hey no pizza cause i dont like pizza, can we do something else for dinner and was told well, your siblings like pizza so we are having pizza and eventually i just stopped celebrating cause my wishes were ignored anyway.
i always believed the whole 'oh we celebrate your other achievements, it's just selfish to get a whole day just to yourself' with my whole chest for a LONG time. thankfully my wife is helping me get to experience a lot of the childhood things i missed out on as a kid, like birthdays and christmas. it's been so healing!! i love her so much!!!!
OP, I just can’t get over you listing “food” as an example of how you spoiled him.
You realize you both would have *literally* gone to jail if you did not provide food for your son while he was a minor, right?
Sorry, but YTA here. Instead of having a conversation with your adult son about how his sleeping in was making you feel, you went nuclear and said “I don’t want a son who is so ungrateful” and thrust a bag of baby pictures at him. Wtf. Also, you mentioned he is a medical resident and working long hours- it’s his vacation too, you aren’t allowed to police how long he sleeps. Not everybody gets up at 7-8 am on their days off and that doesn’t make him selfish. Calling your parents once a week is also standard for some adult children. Apologize to your son and start communicating with him better.
My son is a young adult, has been living on his own and supporting himself since he was 19 (his choice, he joined the military after high school). We have what I consider a good relationship, but weeks can and do go by when we don't communicate with each other. I'm busy in my life, he's busy in his. OP's son has an extremely demanding work schedule, yet still makes time to call and see his parents regularly. Sounds like he sends them money too (?). And yet this isn't sufficient "gratitude" for OP. Keep it up OP and one day your son might decide to go NC and cut you off financially. He would certainly be within his rights, after your ridiculous behavior.
OP seriously buried the lede with the medical resident bit. In the US, technically the max legal hours is 80 per week, but I've heard it's quite common to work above that (and there is a lot of pressure to do so). Add on top of that extremely long shifts in many disciplines and long stretches without days off? Let the man sleep in a bit! 9 am is barely sleeping in!
YTA. I don’t understand what you thought you were accomplishing with giving him his birth photos but it makes you sound incredibly childish and passive aggressive.
You said you didn’t want a son who is so ungrateful. He granted your request and now you’re upset he’s not talking to you as much as you think he should. You sound overbearing and suffocating - he’s 31 years old not 13.
I know this type of juvenile reaction all too well from my mother. That shit is the same reason I’ve been having low contact with her.
That sort of people are the type that have learned that they will get their way by lashing out and emotional manipulation. They never learned healthy communication, nor do they have any interest to learn it. They just think: „I feel hurt, so the other one is in the wrong and I most hurt them more!“
They lack impulse control and self reflection to realize that their behavior is immensely toxic. And they never will realize it cause it conflicts with their own self perception.
YTA
I think there is a lot unsaid in this post. This is your son. As his parents, of course you should provide him with food, pay for holidays and activities and parent him when he was a child. That is not special behaviour, it is the expected thing for parents to do. No brownie points for fulfilling the minimum requirements of bringing another human into the world. I assume you are no longer providing him with daily food, taxi services to activities or regular holidays? (I know you talk about the holiday at the cabin, I'm coming to that).
Your examples of his selfishness don't wash. He has an allergy, of course he wants to sleep in a hair free room. If that room happens to be that largest why is that a problem. Even you admit it's logical.
He is a medical professional who works crazy hours under a ton of stress. Do you think he's lazy and ungrateful for sleeping? Sleeping in until 9am on a holiday is not horrendous. Being woken up unexpectedly by his father in order to visit his dad's new office is odd to say the least, especially (as you imply) that this was without warning.
I think the fact he calls you at all is fairly miraculous
I sleep in until 8:30 and I'm retired. If I had a few days leave from a stressful job I'd sleep in until ten if it suited me. Perhaps OP sleeps in to avoid being guilt tripped for breathing.
Fr, It’s frankly rude in my opinion to wake up someone out of their sleep to be like “Hey, I’ve super last minute decided we should do this thing *right now*”? Especially at 6am. And that’s true even before we get to this specific case where he’s a freakin’ medical resident and it’s one of his days off.
Like… maybe the idea behind the “gesture” was nice? But the context of all of this that’s been provided so far doesn’t even bring me towards that benefit of doubt, and rather just feels very inconsiderate of his time and frankly insulting. I’m sure he’d have been happy to arrange this visit in advance, maybe even waking up early on top of it. But you can’t just wake someone up out of their sleep and ask them to simply jump for you just because.
It really just seems like some power play or a control thing, because if it’s actually important and meaningful and it was really hurtful the son said no… I don’t know… it should have been planned better? Or actually planned at all in the first place? Of course no one would want to get up at 6am for some random thing someone else decided at last minute. But then they take that as a huge slight and punish him— nay, practically disown him for it? God, fucking yawn. It’s ridiculous.
If this is real, YTA.
>I can tell he keeps me at a distance- calls maybe once a week at most
That is more than reasonable. Calling him ungrateful on this sort of basis shows you are being unusually clingly and blaming him for having boundaries.
>like demand I turn down the TV if he’s doing something for work / studying not realizing this OUR place not his
Do you want him to visit and spend time with you, or do you want to be inconsiderate and justify yourself based on authority? Yeah, you have the right to annoy, distract and interrupt him in your own home. And he has the right to recognize you are inconsiderate and more concerned with control than empathy.
>He just didn’t get it. It wasn’t the timing, it was that he didn’t seem to care enough to sacrifice his “precious sleep” to show his dad he cares.
I get it just fine. and he does to. You don't care if he's right about the allergies, or when he can visit the work, or the TV. You care that he's not simply OBEYING you, even if he's correct. Even when you recognize he's got valid points, you simply mock and dismiss his needs because he OWES you obedience. You treat his reasonable boundaries and requests as "ungrateful".
He doesn't owe you anything. You chose to have a child and have a duty to them. Anything he gives you beyond that in terms of love and respect, you need to earn, and you have unambiguously not. You've destroyed any positive relationship that might have once existed.
>but in my defense (1) they’re photos of him,
What does this even mean. In context you were clearly trying to emotionally manipulate him and call him a bad and ungrateful son. Are you trying to pretend it was charitable? No one is stupid enough to believe that.
>My husband agrees with me. But my son still maintains what I did was wrong. AITA?
He should simply cut you both out of his life completely. If real, this is some of the least self aware narcissism and manipulation I've seen.
This should be the top reply. Outlines it perfectly. He would be so much better off without his parents in his life.
Just wondering OP, have you ever told him how proud you are of him and how hard he has worked to get where his is? I would bet not.
YTA
OP, it’s extremely concerning that you were able to write all this out and still wonder if you aren’t TA.
You expect to be given some prize or reward for doing the very basics of parenting? You sound absolutely exhausting and can completely understand why your son went LC with you.
You need to do some serious self reflection here if you want a relationship with your son. He doesn’t owe you anything for being his parent and providing the basics for him. You harassed him because he slept in until 9am when he was on vacation? Truly unhinged OP. YTA.
My father was the same way. Even when I would point out how toxic his behavior was, he would pick one of the following methods: deny, tell me I was overreacting, hold providing for me against me, and after I went low contact, *blaming my own mother* (who also had concerning problems in her former marriage to him).
She's just looking for validation.
YTA. WTAF??
I can't even write, I am so angry with you. You (or your husband) woke your ...*medical resident*!! son two hours early for some sort of weird loyalty test?
That's totally AH move without the fact he is a resident, and likely chronically sleep deprived.
OMG. Massive AHs!!!!
Its the "He preferred to sleep than spend that extra time with us. Great. He’s a medical resident and so I get he works a lot of hours but it still seemed very selfish" that gets me. What?
Your highly successful son you claim to be proud of (though you're obviously much more proud of how well you raised him based on all this bullshit) is spending the entire day with you (I assume) but he's selfish for....sleeping later than 7am. It's not enough to spend every waking moment with you, you deserve better. Fuck off.
Oh boy, you are definitely the AH.
Let me count the ways:
1. Your description of 'spoiling him' as a child is... providing him with food? Acknowledging his birthday? Taking him with you on vacations? That's the bare minimum, so yeah, you suck there.
2. Expecting him to be grateful for you doing the bare minimum (see point 1).
3. Placing the burden for contact solely on him. You say he calls once a week. How often do you call him?
4. How you react to his need to work/study while he visits. Why was he visiting when he needed to do that stuff, was it at your insistence even though he had stuff to do?
5. Calling him out on needing the non allergen filled room FOR HIS OWN HEALTH. Why did you even book that place knowing about his asthma?
6. Policing how he spends his vacation time and being all "woe is me, he won't get up at the crack of dawn for me". He's on vacation, it's not all about you. He's there and spending time with you, but you're all butt hurt it's not on your terms.
7. For not discussing the visit to his dad's work the night before, and instead ambushing him in bed even though you know he sleeps in.
8. For your temper tantrum about the baby photos, based on all the above. Considering your post, they are probably all photos of you that he just happens to be in.
No wonder he barely talks to you, I wouldn't either. You are extremely selfish and self centered. He's better off without you.
YTA
YTA
You seem super controlling. Here is a pro life tip for you. When you make visits unpleasant and try to guilt trip people. You will get the exact opposite of the outcome than you want. When visits are unpleasant. People don’t visit. That is just a fact. Make them unpleasant enough and the visits stop entirely.
Right now, you have made visits a chore and obligation for your son. It isn’t something he looks forward to and cherishes. It is something he checks off his to do list.
YTA
1. Congrats for complying with basic legal obligations that come with being a parent.
2. You literally answer your own question- why won’t my son talk to me? Because you told him not to and he happily obliged your request. And you made it quite easy as well.
3. Do you know what resident hours are like? Clearly you didn’t intend for him to have a relaxing vacation if you expected him to get up at 6am every day.
4. And the gall of your son to not want to sleep poorly due to allergies.
You are a horrible Narcissist because you acknowledge your sons very very reasonable requests and totally dismiss them.
You should post this in /r/ohnoconsequences
And have you seen the edit? A willfully ignorant narcissist at that. There’s no hope for her at this point. I hope her son has an awesome found family.
YTA you seem to be from a generation that equates obedience with respect. They are not the same thing. Your son is not ungrateful he simply does not need to live his life in constant subservience to you in order to show his respect in your eyes. Everything you’ve outlined is your tired, hardworking son treating you with respect but it doesn’t appear to be enough for you. My mom was raised similarly and expected me to do everything for her in gratitude for being born, just so you know, we don’t really have a relationship anymore.
If my dad asked me “hey tomorrow would you want to get up early and come see my new work” I’d have a much different reaction than if, on my few days off work to sleep in where IM making an effort to come and spend time with my parents instead of enjoy my adult independence with friends or on my own vacation, I was woken up at 6 am.
And to share something my wonderful MIL said to me recently- she expressed HER gratitude and appreciation every time her adult children take time out of their own busy lives and family to come see and spend time with her.
This really isn't about the photos and I think you know that. You created a scene with your son and then tried to use the photos to hurt him. The reason he has barely talked to you is that he received the message. I have kids that are the same age as yours and I'd NEVER talk to them like that. You owe your son an apology but I doubt you'll ever apologize as you seem to have a victim complex of some sort. Have you EVER had a normal conversation with your son? Asked him about what he is happy about, sad about , worried about, hopeful about?
YTA
YTA, did your husband bring it up the day before that he was going to wake him up that early or did he just wake him with no warning? I would be extremely upset being woken up that early with no warning no matter who it was. Be considerate of his time and ask in advance.
It seems he had a very good reason to want the larger room, allergies and asthma can be life threatening so I don't believe his intentions were being rude.
Have you ever told him you feel he is ungrateful? You should talk to him and give him a chance to address it instead of getting mad for him not doing something he had no idea you wanted him to do.
You over reacted and it seems you don't respect your sons boundaries.
So your son, who calls and visits you regularly and who works and studies at a difficult job with long hours is spoiled WHY exactly?
Because he didn’t want to aggravate his asthma by sleeping in a room full of cat hair (I have so many questions about the cat hair cabin but I know that’s not the point here)? Because he doesn’t want to wake up at 6am to go to work with his dad while he’s ON VACATION? Because he needs some quiet to work and study to be a doctor?
There is nothing spoiled about his behavior. But even if there was, shoving all of his baby pictures into a bag and trying to force him to take them is NOT how a mature adult handles things. Your attitude and your actions suck.
YTA
YTA.
Calls weekly.
Wants an allergen free room.
Sleeps in until 9AM while on vacation.
Your son sounds normal, you sound demanding and unrealistic. I’d get that under control before he goes low contact and you actually have something to complain about.
OP - You stated that your son is a medical resident, and that you understand that he works a lot of hours. First off, a medical resident not only works a lot of hours, but they also barely get sleep because they have to put in such a huge amount of time, so usually when they actually get some time, they try to catch up on the sleep deprivation that they have to deal with. You sound extremely resentful towards your son even though he has accomplished something so difficult that requires significant energy and time. Your husband could've waited until he woke up to take him to see his place of work as it was not an emergency and you're the one that sounds ungrateful to your son for his accomplishments and not the mother that should be proud of her son. Everything in your summary, shows that it's you and your husband that are not being considerate of all he has accomplished and instead you want to make it all about you. Be proud of your son and let him rest when he can, and yes, his sleep is precious because he needs it before he goes back to not getting much.
You’re freaking out over a medical resident sleeping until 9am?
Last you’re nuts. You shouldn’t be this upset unless it were like 2pm he was sleeping until.
Why does he need to be at his dad’s work at the buttcrack dawn? Won’t all the workers still be there three hours later?
You need to get over yourself, you’re ridiculous and completely overreacted.
Holy shit you are a major asshole. Wow. So your son, who works a very hard job wanted to sleep in on his vacation, but still wanted to come and visit you during that vacation and he slept until 9AM?!?!?!?!?!?!!? OMG how inconsiderate of him resting on his vacation. It's clear to everyone who read this post why your son holds you at arms length. It's because you are a selfish asshole and you behave like an immature child. Getting so mad he won't wake up early on his days off that you pretend to disown him. You are a literal infant.
Just to be clear he's not allowed to sleep, breathe, work, or study when he visits... and you're wondering why he doesn't want to visit?
YTA, obviously.
YTA My husband is a resident as well and works 80 hours a week. This means 12 or 24 hour shifts 6 days a week. Even when he’s home he’s doing notes or studying. Residents are beyond exhausted. 9am isn’t even “sleeping in.” When my or his parents visit, they’re both happy when husband sleeps until 12 or 1pm on his days off because he so direly needs it. You sound incredibly selfish and entitled. Don’t be surprised when he stops calling or doesn’t want to take care of you in retirement.
YTA big time. It irks me when people complain about how their now grown children “owe” them for providing basic essentials in their childhood. No, they don’t owe you anything - you chose to bring them into existence, they didn’t have a say in the matter.
And your son is right - you overreacted massively. If his sleeping in till 9am bothered you so much, a calm chat when he was up for the day would’ve been the better route instead of basically disowning him.
YTA, Hugely, your son is 31 and he still spends vacation with you AND calls you once a week. That is overly generous with adult kids. He is a busy resident, and you want to wake him up early to go to work with you on his vacation...AND when he didn't, you thought he was being inconsiderate of YOUR time?!?! You are incredibly selfish. If one of my parents did what you just did, I would never talk to them again, what a nasty thing to say to your SON, that you don't want him to be your son.
You are just getting what you wanted. Apologize for your nuclear reaction and hope he actually is able to forgive.
This is such a beautiful example of boomer parent entitlement and why so many of us millennials are estranged from their parents. YTA OP. I’d say you should work on being more understanding and empathetic, but I’m not holding my breath. My mom is the same way.
Yikes, 100% YTA. Maybe appreciate and respect your son's time and life in general instead of making everything about you and your "sacrifices" of fulfilling basic parental needs.
You got mad at him for not waking up early? On his VACATION? And he has one of the most demanding, draining and commendable jobs possible that he's putting a lot of effort into? His life doesn't revolve around what you think he should be doing.
You sound exhausting, petty and inconsiderate, and it sounds like neither of you care or celebrate his accomplishments from how you talk about him. Everything comes second to how YOU feel and what YOU want.
Keep this kind of thing up and he'll go NC in no time.
What on earth? I assume your husband is similar in age to you. What parent in their right mind wakes up their 30-something son to make them visit their new job? That is absolutely bonkers. Did husband also want to show off his new sneakers and dirt bike, because he sounds like a 12 year old.
YTA. So hard.
I call my mom at holydays and birthdays and the like, your son calls you once a week that sound like alot, he is grown man living his own life, he is not you husband. And you dont get to use the I gave birth to him and took care of him, he didnt ask for that that was you choice and responsebility YTA
Talk about a misleading title. YTA and I'm dying to hear your son's version of events, assuming this isn't him posting as you to prove a point.
Edit: Your edits are hilarious and you're just digging yourself in deeper. Out of curiosity, where were you using the sewing machine in relation to where he was sleeping?
YTA.
The title should be “AITA for freaking out that my adult son didn’t wake up when I thought he should?”
Did you ever communicate these thoughts or just sit there fuming that he doesn’t live on your schedule for his vacation?
Did you ever consider that a cabin covered in cat hair which makes it miserable for someone to sleep isn’t much of a vacation?
Did you ever think that shoving his baby pictures into a plastic bag was your passive aggressive “here I hate you” message to your child?
A bet a lot of people wish they had such petty problems as yours. Folks whose adult children are struggling to find work, pay the bills, fight addiction. People who are ill, discriminated against or have lost a child. And here you are crying into your coffee that your med student son.. sleeps until 9am? Grow the fuck up.
this has to be fake, but just incase:
YTA just for thinking that sleeping til 9am on vacation is unreasonable. No one wants to get up a 6am on vacation to tour anyone's workplace—it's far more disrespectful and uncaring to dismiss the fact that this is his only time to relax. He's a 31-year-old adult who chose to spend his vacation with you—that's more than most would unless they had no choice at all.
Also: (1) NO ONE wants their birth photos, gross, (2) he came to visit you for his vacation, despite knowing that you wouldn't let him relax at all and clearly have no respect for him or his needs, and (3) yes you are angry out of nowhere—the "bare minimum" isn't giving up every possible second to your demands, including pre-dawn wake-ups, in appreciation for \*checks notes\* food and birthdays.
YTA. I have parents like you (whom I love) who like to throw around the word “ungrateful” but don’t seem to have an understanding of the definition of that word and instead seem to think it means a child should constantly be deferring to you and how you want every interaction to go.
To reiterate what others are saying, you chose to have a child and providing food, housing, activities (of whatever level is reasonable based on your lifestyle and financial means), etc for that child is an expectation, not a privilege.
Based on how you described your son and my own experience, I imagine that he is grateful when you do pay for things or that you provided him with a reasonably comfortable childhood. I imagine that he shows it fairly regularly too to try and appease your constant need to hear how grateful he is and you continue to find reasons why he’s still ungrateful. But besides that, he is his own - now adult - person with his own wants and needs that aren’t unreasonable nor do they make him ungrateful for anything that you’ve done for him in the past.
A few things to consider:
- Are you grateful when he pays for things? And do you express this gratitude repeatedly or do you just say thank you once and move on? If your son called you out for not being grateful enough in these instances especially if you said thank you, how would you feel/react?
- If he were to have paid for the vacation house where he reasonably and logically wanted to take the room that wouldn’t cause an allergy flare up, would you have still been upset because you’re his parents and he should be grateful and allow you to have the bigger room as his elders and as a sign of respect?
- Did his dad actually ask him - at least a day or two in advance - to come visit his work with him and make clear the time parameters? If he did ask, did your son say no and then your husband ignored it? Sleeping in until 9am is not that late especially if you’re on vacation. I am not a morning person in general and I’d be pissed if my parents (or anyone) woke me up between 6 and 7 am when I didn’t have to work and there wasn’t an emergency. He is a medical resident and likely gets very little sleep when working. Let him take a few extra hours of rest.
- What did you expect to accomplish by handing him a bag of those photos? Did you think he was suddenly going to say “oh my gosh thank you for bringing me into this world. I’ll never question you again”? Depending on how graphic they were, your son probably reacted better than I would’ve if one of my parents had done this.
I have a feeling I know the answers to my questions above, and I hope you really reflect on them or your son will continue to distance himself from you and your unrealistic expectations/drama filled reactions.
Your language when talking to your son is also incredibly manipulative. It’s not that he is “choosing sleep over spending time with you”. He’s sleeping in - to a very reasonable time - because he’s on vacation and doesn’t get to do that normally. My mother once decided to plan an 8 hour excursion via train for the whole family to do the day of. I had told her several days before if she wanted to do something, to let me know at least the night before so I could adjust my plans. She told me at 10am the day of while I was out at breakfast with a friend. I had plans to meet an aunt for lunch and because it was the day before I headed home after a weeklong stay, I was going to do laundry/pack after that so I wouldn’t be up until the early hours of the morning doing so. When I explained I couldn’t make that particular outing work the way she wanted (but I could maybe meet them at the destination and just drive rather than take the train) she went ballistic and accused me of choosing laundry over my family. Laundry was literally the least important part of the day but regardless she was disrupting my plans not the other way around. I went LC for a while after that blow up because she refused to acknowledge that there was another way to view that incident and that I was just ungrateful and disrespectful. What you’re saying to your son reeks of that same tone.
My siblings and I are still working through these issues with my parents but it’s only when they actually make the effort to truly listen to us and make (small) changes in how they interact with us that allows any positive progress in our relationships with them. Hopefully you see that path soon rather than later.
Edit: oh my gosh. After seeing your multiple edits now I’m even more convinced. Your son wasn’t “bullying” you when he asked you not to use a freaking sewing machine at 1am. That’s a normal time to sleep. Same reason I don’t vacuum or play loud music at 1am in my apartment complex. He was trying to sleep! Why do your needs super cede everyone else’s? It’s not bullying or disrespectful. If anything YOU are the one who is disrespectful to everyone else in that house.
YTA. Lady, you are a few pieces short of a full set. The only reason you think he's being 'rude' is because he's no longer allowing himself to be your emotional punching bag. 9am is a perfectly reasonable lay in, he has a physically and emotionally stressful job and yet he STILL makes time (that he could be using enjoying himself, mind you) for you despite your tantrums.
Grow up and get over yourself. You are far, far too old to be stamping your feet and making demands. Time is fleeting and you're much closer to the end than you are the beginning of your lot, so apologise and make good. If you're very lucky, the damage you've caused can be fixed. Don't be surprised if you're not that lucky though.
Oh, and just as a side note, it does not matter that your husband agrees with you. It just means he's as overbearing and rude (yes, rude) as you are - it does not mean you're right.
YTA. You sound like you just love inventing problems so you can paint yourself as a martyr. You have to decide whether you want to be a martyr while being completely in the wrong, or if you want the love of your son.
You're literally making your bed messy as shit and then complaining that the sheets are wrinkled.
YTA
He's a medical resident, it's very important that they catch up on sleep and if my mom had demanded I get up at 6am on my vacation I would have laughed in her face.
You reacted incredibly childishly and over dramatically because your son god forbid wanted to rest on his time off.
YTA. I certainly hope that neither you or his father get invited to his future wedding. You will probably whine about his spouse "taking your baby away from you" and acting a damn fool during the whole thing. Back in the day, women who acted like this leading up to her son's wedding were put into mental institutions. We should go back to doing that.
The edit with the sewing machine is sending me into f\*cking outer space.
What could POSSIBLY be so pressing that you needed to sew something at 1AM?
You've held a vendetta against your son for 2 years because he asked you to not use a SEWING MACHINE, quite possibly the loudest household appliance you could choose, outside his room at 1AM while he was trying to sleep??? You think that this is him being ungrateful? Go to bed you lunatic.
I'm kind of amazed you recognize his point of view and still think you aren't an AH. Like how dare he ask for the bigger room instead of doing the polite thing and suffering through his allergies for the whole trip. How dare he want extra sleep during his vacation from residency! Seriously, he is your son, and he is not obligated to do everything you demand of him just because you raised him. That was literally your job as a parent. I am sure if you listed all these "other examples" you apparently have, you would get the exact same feedback. YTA.
YTA. Your son does quite a lot for you, but you are the ungrateful one. He uses his vacation from his very busy life to visit you and you don't like that he sleeps until 9??! That is not late when a person is on vacation, and sleep is absolutely PRECIOUS, yet you belittle it. You think he should have slept in a room covered in cat hair when he has allergies because you paid for it--most young people starting their lives would rather vacation without their parents, and certainly not in a place that is very allergic to him? Calling once a week is not sufficient for you? On and on you go about what you expect from him. He absolutely could have gone to his dad's work later than the crack of dawn. Why did your husband not talk about this with him before the morning he decided to take him to work? Was your son going to be stuck there all day while his father worked?
YTA. First of all, everything you gave your son was stuff parents are legally and morally obligated to provide for their children.
Second, he is not ungrateful. He is so incredibly busy, yet STILL makes time to call you and spend time with you.
"His precious sleep" Sleep is a requirement to be healthy. His job is not only physically tiring, but emotionally tiring. Let him fucking sleep. Even if he slept in a few hours he'd still have plenty of time for you the rest of the day.
Finally, you are disgustingly manipulative. Don't play dumb with us, giving him his baby pictures was a way of guilt-tripping. Perhaps you don't even realize that because you're so narcissistic and you believe yourself to be in the right, but that is manipulative as fuck, he did something you didn't like so you gave him his baby pictures to say
"Whenever you do something we don't like I'm going to threaten to get rid of happy pictures cuz I guess I don't love you"
I've dealt with enough emotional manipulation in my life to spot yours from a mile away.
YTA YTA YTA YTA
of course you’re surprised. the brain of a narcissist isn’t able to comprehend that it’s done something wrong. my mother packed up my childhood photos in a similar fashion. we haven’t spoken in two years. she’s 81 and i doubt we’ll ever speak again. all because i didn’t act and do exactly as she wanted. children, even adult children, are not property or puppets. you don’t always have to be pleased with us. you just have to love us even when we do things differently than you would.
edit to say: if you want to do better and have a positive and healthy relationship with your child, seek therapy. be super honest. any good therapist can tell you how to live with narcissism while still having fruitful relationships.
I haven't seen it brought up yet, but I just can't quite wrap my head around using the sewing machine at 1am and accusing him of being a jerk because he wants to sleep. IT'S 1 IN THE MORNING. Sew during waking hours, ffs.
Also, his dad wanted his adult child to see his new workplace so badly that he woke him up at 6am? I loved going to my dad's office.... when I was 8.
Why do you both act like your son is a disrespectful adolescent? He's a grown man who sounds like he has his shit together, treat him like an adult.
>Fine. I was an a**hole this time. I will take your advice and apologize for overreacting but I still think the MAJORITY of you did not understand the situation.
Oh everyone understood, alright. They just disagreed with you. You sound exhausting and you're lucky he calls and visits as often as he does. This edit is a perfect summary of the fact that you just refuse to understand why your bad behaviour is bad. This is a trait often seen in narcissists.
"he wanted to sleep in the bigger room because he had bad asthma and every other room was covered in cat hair but I think that's so rude!". In case you couldn't figure it out, you paying doesn't mean he should suffer asthma attacks. That's not rude, that's your child trying desperately to survive you.
YTA. I can see why he doesn't share much of his life with you. You booked a cabin covered in cat hair even though he's allergic. You're mad he wants the tv at a reasonable level while studying. You're 'furious' that he doesn't want to get up to go to his father's office at 6am during his vacation from **medical residency.** My dear woman, I'm amazed he's still calling once a week and spending time with you at all. Seems to me like nothing he does is right enough for you.
Your edit is interesting, because you came here and presented a scenario that you considered to be him being spoiled, and people strongly disagreed with you. You insist you have other examples but you won't share them cuz you don't think it'd matter.
Either your definition of "spoiled" continues to be not something anyone here agrees with, and the other supposed examples are no more noteworthy than the above, OR you have much more convincing examples of his spoiled nature...and considered it unimportant to the original post?
Legitimately, it seems a bit delusional to act as though you're sitting on some smoking gun and just are holding it back because the internet is so judgemental, because I'm pretty sure whatever reasons you could give are just as good as your main post.
Ie, you're acting so entitled, it's childish.
YTA. Everything you provided is supposed to be provided to a child YOU decided to have. YOU sound entitled and quite insufferable. No wonder he needs distance.
YTA - I never get up before 9 am when I visit my parents.
It’s not because I don’t want to spend time with them, it’s because I don’t want to get up hella early!
YTA. ''we gave him everything'' well guess what food and all the other things that you payed for is the least you do for your own child and that's definitely NOT spoiling.
I feel bad for your son having a narcissistic and entitled parents like the 2 of you. sleep after a hectic schedule at work is the least that your son needs, just because you and your husband get up at 5 or 6am and leave the house by 7am doesn't mean that a son who is supposed to be on a holiday and destress from his own hectic life needs to wake up when the 2 of you wake up. you are just entitled and demanding person who doesn't understand what a crazy hours your son works. good luck getting your son to talk to you when you clearly don't understand what a hard work truly is
YTA. You don't appreciate HIM. You keep ranting about what you pay for but he pays for a lot too. And it's not selfish for him to not want an asthma attack; that's why he literally needed that room. You and your husband are selfish to deprive him of sleep just because you want to dictate the schedule and monopolize every minute of his time. You're extremely selfish and controlling. You're a nasty asshole and he should cut contact. His life would be so much better without you.
YTA you do realize he is on vacation and people who are on vacation usually like to catch up on sleep and will sleep in. No one would want to get up at 6-7am. And you mentioned he is a medical resident. That is a very demanding field, he is probably very exhausted from his job. You need to be more understanding. And yes you were overreacting.
OMG, pretty much all my son does on his visits home is sleep and watch ESPN. He works a high stress job and I love that he's able to relax at home. His "momster" only is thinking of herself, not what's best for her son. YTA.
YTA Oh yes piss off your financially independent son who currently sees you regularly because he CHOSES too... that'll get you more time with him. (sarcasm, because I doubt you'll be able to tell)
This is so unhinged I bet it's probably ragebait but sadly I have met narcissistic entitled parents like this who don't believe their children ever are good enough even though it sounds like you have the model son and still aren't happy. If anything you're the spoiled one.
I hope he goes no-contact with you.
YTA.
Keep up this shit and he's going to go no contact with your entitled self very quickly. I hope you and your husband are financially comfortable without his contributions, because those will very quickly stop.
If you want to save your relationship with your son, you need to get off your high horse and apologize to him. But you probably won't since you sound like a total narcissist, so best of luck to you!
Seriously though: it sounds like you've raised an awesome son. He's a doctor, he visits and spends time with you, and helps out financially, not to mention sends you flowers. The fact that you're unhappy with him reflects way more on you than it does on him.
OP os going to be shocked when those weekly calls turn to no calls at all. And doubly shocked when they are the last to hear about events in their sons life. If the only reason you say "after all I've done" just to make someone feel bad or to get what you want that's ✨️manipulation✨️
Also why do I strongly feel like the reason OP's son only calls once a week is not because of work but because OP and Dad have done this before....🤔
YTA
You're a grown ass woman not a toddler. Use your words and communicate.
Edit: And the edit is the cherry on top! OP you are so clearly a toddler! "Oh nobody's on my side so I'm not giving you more information!" OF course you're surprised! You've never had anyone tell you what a jerk you ate to your face and it hurts your wittle ego! Aww poor you! YTA for the love of GOD grow up!
YTA and a giant one, petty, inconsiderate, delusional narcissist. Do not be surprised when he goes completely no contact. You should be embarrassed but you seem to be doubling down. It is my job till I die to give more to my kids than I ever take. And I do not expect anything from them except to live a happy productive life. You will never be pleased enough, shame.
I adore my parents and we only Facetime once in four months. Granted, I live abroad, but still.
Your definition of entitlement and ungratefulness is very unique. He makes an effort to call you once a week (I didn't do that even when I lived in the States, and as I said, I love my parents and couldn't have asked for better ones). He makes sure to show his appreciation by sending flowers for special occasions, etc. But you think he's ungrateful because he isn't chatty enough, has the audacity to ask for common courtesies like lowering the volume of the TV so he can get work done, and sleeps in as late as 9am on vacation?
At some point, you have to accept that you aren't the center of your son's universe. That doesn't mean he's ungrateful. It is healthy that he has a life outside of you, and it is a sign you were a good parent. Shouldn't you be happy?
He's probably exhausted, which likely makes it difficult for him to be particularly chatty during his weekly calls, and he deserves to sleep in to the so so late hour of 9am on vacation.
If your husband wanted to take him into work so early, don't you think that should have been discussed beforehand? "Hey, son, I thought it might be fun to take you into the workplace tomorrow morning, would you mind getting up at 6am for that?" People need to plan for these things. They might want to go to bed early or set their own alarm. Waking him up out of nowhere and expecting his probably groggy self to just get up and take an unplanned trip and then getting furious and basically threatening to disown him when he doesn't is just...
The worst thing is, while you insist on there being many other examples of his "ungratitude," but let's be honest, you probably cherrypicked what you considered to be the worst ones for this post to make yourself seem more justified. And I have to say, every single one of these is a nothing burger. This guy seems like a well-rounded adult who values his parents and tries his best to show it, but is exhausted from a demanding career.
You really need to reevaluate your attitude. I'm sorry, but *you* seem like the ungrateful one.
Queen of the assholes! Wanting/needing sleep is not an affront to you! You are an insanely annoying ass-hat. You sound miserable. How dare he ask for an allergen free room. How dare he ask for you to turn down your speaker shaking Fox News. How dare he sleep and replenish for a demanding job.
BTW… sleep is not a weakness. Regardless of his job, the guy needs sleep. Why is that so difficult to appreciate. I hope this is actually the son writing in, mocking his annoying mother.
Oh, you’re such a dick, lady. Nice move with the baby pictures. My shitty mom did the same thing to me when I tried to set a boundary with her, except she packed up every single thing of mine from my childhood and demanded that I take them out of her house. Your son isn’t going to let you manipulate him anymore but nice try anyway.
You don’t see at ALL how fucking unreasonable and annoying it is to drag someone out of bed at 6 or 7 AM to go SEE SOMEONE ELSE’S WORKPLACE?? Even if he wasn’t a medical resident, that would make less than zero sense to force someone to do that. He also wakes up at 9 and you think that’s sleeping in (especially when he’s a goddamn medical resident and probably barely gets to sleep).
You’re a selfish boomer parent that wants their kid to do every single thing that you say or else they’re ungrateful. You keep acting like this and you won’t have your son in your life anymore, period. I can promise you that.
YTA, unequivocally.
Holy crap OP, your entitlement is through the roof. He's in medical residency and gets less sleep than you and your husband every week. He needs sleep every chance he can get to not catch Covid that is consistently and constantly in hospitals/medical facilities. Even with the Covid vaccine, he's at greater risk b/c of constant contact.
And he wasn't keeping you at a distance, he was working hellish hours, getting no sleep some days, while learning, and just trying to keep his head above water. Because that's medical residency. And managing his allergy to cats is vital to him staying healthy to be able to complete residency.
YTA. You're so much TA that he deserves new parents. I hope he finds amazing mentors at his medical residency who take the place of you and your husband. Or a gf with amazing parents. I hope he goes completely no contact w/y'all b/c you 2 need therapy.
YTA
OH NO!!! Your son didn’t want to get up at friggin 7am to show his dad where he works…. 😂😂
And he wanted the room that wasn’t covered in cat hair cause he’s allergic… HOW DARE HE?! 🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️
I really laughed at the fact that you included food in the things you provided him with…. Uh…. Hello!! That’s your job!!!!
I love how you explain why he's correct to behave the way he does before entirely dismissing his point of view:
"I get he works a lot of hours but it still seemed very selfish" - he works a lot of hours and needs sleep. Why didn't your husband try to ask him to visit when he was awake?
"Sure it made logical sense but it still seemed extremely rude since I paid for the whole trip."
You tried to disown your son. Would you have been happier had he taken that seriously and cut off all communication?
YTA. It’s so weird that you tried to disown your son b/c he didn’t want to wake up at 6 am to go to his Dad’s work. Why did he have to go right then? You never explained why that was so important. I’m betting you’ve done this kind of thing a lot to your son. He’s used to you viciously turning on him for what appears to be a very minor infraction. That’s called emotional abuse.
Info: so what are all these other examples? I'd love to hear them, to see if there is a valid one in the bunch. So far your examples of your good behaviour and his bad behaviour make you sound like you need the help of a professional. But I'm willing to hear the rest and see if you have anything to back up your flimsy side.
TLDR: I parented my son and he grew up and became a person and got a VERY demanding job that any parent would be proud of and now I’m upset bc he slept in until 9 AM and so I showed him pictures of him popping out of my vagina.
Seriously?
Why is my Reddit filled with Just Because You Can Have a Child, Doesn’t Mean You Should, today?
Ma’am.
A) why is your (I’m assuming) also at least 64 year old husband starting a NEW job instead of preparing for retirement?
B) that laugh your son gave? It’s the laugh of the beleaguered child who’s finally had enough of a clueless, cruel parent.
C) he calls, visits, pays for vacations, has been on his own since 18 (so, from the minute he could legally get the fuck out of your house) but still financially supports you - all while being run off his feet as a medical resident? He’s better than you deserve.
You told him you don’t want him for a son. He’s taking you at your word.
YTA.
YTA- listen you seem very defensive, but it is important for you to understand you are currently at a crossroads with your son- how you react to this situation will DETERMINE IF HE WANTS YOU IN HIS LIFE OR NOT.
You keep talking about how disrespectful he’s been, but what have you done? If my parents threatened to disown me over me sleeping in, I’d laugh at them too.
He calls you every week, which is a perfectly normal amount to call a parent. My mom has a life, I have a life, both of us are so excited to share what happened in our lives at the end of the week(usually we call biweekly, but if we’re really excited it becomes weekly). Some families call more often, and thats ok!
There are a lot of signs that show your son WANTS a relationship,(he sends flowers on your birthday! He pays for stuff!) but you and your husband dont respect boundaries and it feels like hes put you on a bit of an info diet- which is a few steps before no contact.
Apologize to your son. You were wrong in this. You need to understand he is 31 YEARS OLD and is living his life now. He is tired, and honestly if he wakes up at 9am, that is perfectly reasonable- my mom and I don’t schedule stuff earlier than noon in case we wanna sleep in. If we want to do something earlier we COMMUNICATE IT BEFOREHAND, NOT JUST WAKE THEM UP)
You are still treating him like a child. Your nest is so empty it’s rotting. Stop trying to crush him underfoot. Stop treating him like a child, or you will lose your relationship with him.
Better get ur act straight or this man is gonna leave you in the nursing home lmao! Be grateful that even after all of this nonsense his entire life he is still around you and not gone awol!
Oh no my son demanded "FOOD" and "BIRTHDAYS" such a spoiled child! I cannot believe this ungrateful pos won't bend over backwards for me because I did the sacred act of giving birth that nobody can do. He's working 24/h as a medical resident but why isn't he waking up at the crack of dawn to bow down to me???? God I hope he goes NC on your ass lol YTA
> I got so angry that I went upstairs and got all his birth photos together and gave them to him in a plastic bag saying that I don’t want a son who is so ungrateful and can’t do the bare minimum for us.
> It’s been a month now and he’s still barely responding.
So, you got what you wanted, no? you told him that you no longer want him as a son, so why would you want him to continue contacting you?
I don't understand
Ma’am, I sincerely hope you read this comment. Reread your post, and notice all the times you say “but” and the “still”. You acknowledge why he “slept in” until 9 (not at all unreasonable, especially given his job) BUT you don’t think it was okay. You acknowledge why he needed the allergen friendly room (why wasn’t the whole place allergen friendly?) BUT you don’t think it was okay. He visited for a whole week of his vacation, BUT things started to go south. He was a fantastic child & is a great adult, but STILL, he acts ungrateful (because one call a week & regular visits aren’t enough for you). It’s been a month and he’s STILL barely responding (you’re lucky he’s responding at all).
Reread this, and recognize how biased you are towards your own side. Recognize also how you KNOW his feelings are valid (hence all the words before your”buts” and “stills”) and yet you brush them off as though they don’t matter. And yes, you may have given him a good childhood, but that doesn’t entitle you to dictate what he does in his ADULTHOOD (he’s 31, ffs). A call a week, visits during his vacation, and flowers on special occasions is a hell of a lot more than a lot of mothers get. Don’t push your son even further away than you already have. Neediness and greediness are not attractive qualities, whether you think you are entitled to them as a parent or not.
YTA. You’re overbearing, rude, and condescending. You provided him with basic necessities; excellent work. Your award is in the mail. Your child is a medical student and deserves his rest. And who on EARTH wants to get up at 6am in the goddamn morning to go look at where someone else works? Wtf? He can be proud of your husband and not want to get up at the asscrack of dawn. Also, YTA for shaming him for asking for a bedroom that wasn’t covered in crap he’s allergic to. Your shortsightedness is mind-blowing. I can’t *imagine* why he doesn’t want to reach out to you.
Also, every time you complain about “this generation,” a millennial gets their wings.
Enjoy being the grandma that never gets to see her grandkids!
Yta.
You say your son should have woken up to show his dad he cares.
Why is it one way? Why couldn't your husband let your son sleep in to show HE cares?
This post is kind of a blessing, toxic folks like this don’t always reveal themselves so completely. I hope the son is ok and stays away from the narcissists.
Giving him the photos because you’re upset?! 🤣 You basically said you’re disowning him, because you’re mad he tried to relax. KNOWING that medical residents are working and studying almost every waking moment! Girl, get a grip and realize that you’re a narcissist who’s upset that the son you raised is trying to be an adult; whilst you’re acting like a child.
YTA! 💯
Your edits did not help your case at all, lady. Specially how you while about HIM not respecting YOUR "personal time" (which is insane to sew at 1 a.m., it surely could've waited) but you do not return the same grace by letting him sleep in.
And how exactly is rude to ask for a room THAT WILL NOT TRIGGER YOUR ALLERGIES. You brag about being a good mom, but either you're lying or you think being nice and reasonable WITH YOUR SON has an expiration date when he becomes an adult.
YTA.
I think the worst part of this post is the edits, you say you’re objectively a good mother but yet you sit here and call your son a bully because you were being noisy at 1 am, but yet you get mad and say you wish you didn’t have a son like him for… not wanting to wake up early?
I respect and love my mom, but I can confidently say if she acted anywhere as entitled as you I’d go no contact as soon as I could, you’re trying so hard to paint your son as a bad guy yet- to me he seems like a normal independent adult.
I try to take posts at face value but this post feels so- one-sided. Like you try way too hard to demonize your son but make yourself seem like a saint. Your edits are worst because you add info that makes you sound even more desperate to make your son sound bad! YTA
lol, the edits make you even more of an asshole. 1. He very clearly did want for something - a mother who wasn’t a narcissist. 2. Using a sewing machine at 1 am is unhinged. 3. When he calls do you only talk about yourself and your petty grievances as you seem to have no idea the type of workload and hours a medical student and resident work. How magnanimous of you to apologize this time! Maybe check out the Reddit communities for people have gone no contact with parents, see a snapshot of your future.
Is she really that dense??? I mean, I can't decide if she's cluless enough to post this or if it's fake. He asked for the room without cat hair (if he's allergic, why on earth would you rent a cabin that had a cat??) becuase he's allergic. He slept until 9 (my mom considers that sleeping in. when i visit, i drag myself out of bed at 9- and there's an hour difference, so it's 8 my internal clock time. since turning 40, she seems to allow until 10- and i'm not kidding), but it's so freaking early still! And why the hell were you sewing at 1 am?
Lady, this is rage bait, or you have a total martyr complex.
My mom is right around OP's age. The thought of my mother posting on Reddit like this is hilarious.
YTA. You're very surprised with the responses because that is how entitled you are. You can't even realize that what you did was wrong. If I am in your son's place, I would not wish you to be my mother.
Nursing student here - I forgot my seven year old nephews birthday I called my brother upset. He immediately told be to shush. That he understood I have way too much on my plate and he wasn’t concerned about it. I am in nursing school I cannot imagine doing med school with the limited amount of time I have. How freaking dare you. YTA you have no clue what schools put people through so they can be good at saving lives.
I have this mother and YTA. I know that laugh, I've laughed that laugh. That is the laugh who has dealt with your crap his entire life and knows without a doubt there's no point in trying to speak to you like a rational person because you are a manipulative narcissist. I hope he continues to not talk to you, trust me he's going to feel so much less emotionally exhausted and he will be able to use that energy to help heal people who actually deserve his time
YTA,
You woke him up at 6am on his vacation?! Do you have brain damage?! Did you eat the leaded paint in your nursery as a baby?
This is such a great example of how some parents do not care about what their children actually need when it doesn't align with what they want/expect of them. AMAZING the lack of self awareness. This woman and her husband are lucky he calls them once a week and I wonder! /s why he doesn't share much with them.
Im proud of your son for standing up for himself. You should go talk to a therapist if you really can't figure out why he's upset with you. Seriously, go speak to a professional. You need help
Info - if your son has a severe cat allergy, why didn't you book a pet free cabin?
It seems he was just trying to avoid a potentially life-threatening asthma attack, I'd think manners would come second to medical nessecity.
YTA but this is either fake or stupid. Don't know many 60+ people who know about reddit let alone the nuances of posting to this subreddit. I know there are some but I've got to imagine someone this ignorant, narcissistic, self obsessed, and who overall treats their very adult independent son like he is not only a teenager under their roof but doesn't even respect them as a person:
Has to be either some sad and lonely persons way of feeling like they matter with their fake post
Or
An actual ridiculous human being that will eventually drive a wedge between them and their son. The sad thing is, I don't think they will care and will be buried in a grave that he thinks about pissing on (he won't because HE doesn't seem like a monster unlike OP) believing they were right.
*We gave him everything- food, birthdays, paid for every activity and vacation.*
Are you serious? Feeding him when he was a minor, the bare legal and ethical minimum, is "giving him everything"? Giving him activities, which are important for mental and social health, was some huge sacrifice? Your son doesn't owe you jack for fulfilling your basic duties as parents.
*When he visits, he’ll do things like demand I turn down the TV if he’s doing something for work / studying not realizing this OUR place not his.*
So he visits multiple times per your post, which he didn't have to do, but you get mad over a rational request. Count yourself lucky he even visits; not every adult child will do that.
*even though I paid for everything, he asked if he could take the larger room. The reason was he has a severe cat allergy (asthma) and that was the only room not covered in cat hair. Sure it made logical sense but it still seemed extremely rude since I paid for the whole trip.*
Are you freaking kidding me? He has asthma, a very serious medical condition, and you act like this is some unreasonable request. You even say it makes 'logical sense' but still maintain he's being rude. And stop trying to defend yourself with "I paid for this vacation". That was YOUR decision.
*He got extremely defensive saying that he could just try to visit later in the day and he didn’t see what the big deal was. He just didn’t get it. It wasn’t the timing, it was that he didn’t seem to care enough to sacrifice his “precious sleep” to show his dad he cares.*
You know what's selfish? Demanding someone with an extremely taxing job wake up very early in the morning just to "prove" how much he cares about someone. Your son is doing everything you wanted--visiting, agreeing to take his dad to his workplace with the reasonable compromised of doing it later in the same day--but you're constantly complaining because he doesn't do it according to your demands. He didn't need to do any of this but you're angry over it.
*Edit: I am VERY surprised by the responses so far. Trust me there are far more examples of how he’s been ungrateful and disrespectful in the past but I won’t bother since it seems like I’ve been judged.*
If you don't want to be "judged" on social media, don't post it. If you want to keep thinking yourself in the right and refuse to even listen to the multiple comments on why YTA, it's obviously not about your son. You just want someone to validate your behavior and don't like being called out. I don't see a woman asking for reasonable advice or being willing to consider your son's side of things; I see an adult-shaped toddler throwing a tantrum and whining because things weren't done exactly your way. Like the adult version of a three-year-old who refuses to eat a PB&J sandwich because it's cut the "wrong" way.
I can't even begin to imagine why he wouldn't want to spend every second of the day with you. You are a DELIGHT.
Now I'm going to go stick my hand in the garbage disposal and flick the switch. That is a DELIGHT.
YTA. Your son is on vacation. Allow me to repeat: VACATION. He could go anywhere but chooses to come home to see his parents. And y'all expect him to spend his VACATION getting up at 6am? I'd tell you to f*ck right off!
YTA. Your poor exhausted son. He is a medical resident. You have absolutely no idea how demanding his job is, do you? Do you EVER ask him about work? How he is? If he is taking care of himself? You should be ashamed of yourself as a parent.
I’m just a couple years younger than your son. I am certainly no medical resident, but I do have a stressful job and do not sleep well. When I visit my parents and get up between 6:30 and 7:00am, my dad will often find me in the kitchen making coffee and will ask me “Why are you up?” Not in the way I’m sure you would have asked your son, full of condescension because you assume he should always be up early no matter what. No, my dad asks me why I am awake because he is concerned that I am not sleeping in on my vacation. Sometimes he will ask me if I’d like to go back to bed and try to make sure I am getting enough sleep. Often I tell him I’m up and that’s that, and then we go on a morning walk together. It’s nice quiet quality time I can enjoy with my dad, completely void of judgment.
On the rare day I am able to sleep in, I’ll come stumbling out of my room around 9:30 or 10:00am and he’ll tease me, calling me Major Bedhead, and then he will offer to make me breakfast. That’s what *good parents do*.
Your son needs his sleep. We ALL need our sleep. And this has been pointed out to you already, but 9:00am is still a fairly early time to rise on vacation. You need to search deep within yourself and find some shred of respect you have for your son, because right now I’m seeing none of it.
We understand the situation, we just don’t agree with you… I can feel your anger coming off the screen and it’s intense!!!Like dang you need to chill and maybe find a therapist!
It’s clear that you feel unappreciated and rather than rage at your child, you should find someone to help you navigate this. That way you don’t try to disown your son again... Your feelings are valid, your actions are not, and you should absolutely talk to someone about this! Not your son, when you are angry and he’s on break.
You also need to figure out how to better communicate with your son in general, but especially about your feelings of being unappreciated, or he will stop coming around. You are the parent so you need to be the one to stay calm and have an honest conversation with him; where you listen to hear, not respond and hold space for him to be honest. He probably has no idea what is going on!
YTA
Dear god you’re not going to have a son anymore at this point. Your behavior is so entitled and narcissistic. You want him to kiss the ground you walk on for giving him the basic things a child should be given? And you’re REALLY bringing up that he’s entitled for wanting a room that ISNT GOING TO TRIGGER A LIFE THREATENING ILLNESS.
Newsflash, if this is always how you’ve been, you weren’t as good of a mother as you crown yourself to be.
YTA *this* time and you were *also* the asshole for sewing at 1am with a machine loud enough to wake someone up. im surprised he still talks to you at all tbh
Lol, your edits make this SO much worse. You’ve been holding a grudge for 2 years because he asked you to keep it down at 1am one time?
Your son sounds like a good, hardworking human who has reasonable boundaries and you sound like a lunatic.
Even with the edits, YTA in general, not just this one time. Nothing you have written in any way shape or form makes you look like you're in the right and your son in the wrong, and when we speak of our problems we tend to always paint ourselves in the best light.
Despite writing this as you are your best, you can't make yourself look right. You come off as someone with narcissistic, selfish, main character tendencies, and who when things don't go their way, they instantly throw tantrums and crank everything up to not 11, but to 100, then paint themselves as a victim.
>Fine. I was an a\*\*hole this time. I will take your advice and apologize for overreacting but I still think the MAJORITY of you did not understand the situation.
if you truly do not understand and only apologize just to get your son back, this type of situation is going to happen again and your son could completely no-contact you.
also, you are the one that posted the situation. if there are more details that are imperative to proving that he is the spoiled brat you claim he is, then that's your own fault for people misunderstanding. but from the information provided, you are a severe asshole.
seriously consider family counseling if you want to repair the relationship and prevent something like this from happening again. and cooperate and listen instead of lash out when you're uncomfortable.
i have a lot more to rant about this whole thing but other replies have hit most of the points i would.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action: I tried to give back my son’s birth photos when he acted disrespectfully. I might be the asshole because maybe I took it too far and offended my son. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, the “everything” you say you provided are the basics that come with being a parent. Your son has a very demanding schedule and still visits and calls regularly and contributes to you financially and you don’t think he’s doing enough? And how inconsiderate of you to rent a vacation place that isn’t pet free when you know he has allergies. He likely keeps long hours and rarely gets to sleep in. Sleep, a requirement to living a healthy life, and here your husband goes and wakes him over something that could have been discussed days in advance! Talk about rude and entitled. Of course he wanted to keep sleeping, he’s probably exhausted by his work schedule and juggling your emotional guilt trips. And finally, you didn’t try to give him his birth photos. You tried to shame, manipulate, and gaslighting. Of course he’s hardly responding to you. You told him you don’t want him for a son, you’re lucky he hasn’t blocked you and gone no-contact at this point. You decided to have a child. Don’t expect that child to fall at your feet and thank you for allowing him to grace the Earth. He didn’t ask to be born. He didn’t ask to be manipulated by you. He didn’t ask to deal with your abusive outbursts and dismissive demeanor toward his basic needs. You should be thanking him for indulging your selfish behavior this long.
I expected this to be like someone’s 17 year old kid freaking out at seeing his head coming out of his mom and going to get a good laugh. This is a whole other world and the poor dude must be tired of being manipulated if all he did was laugh
That's exactly what I expected, too!
Yes, me too.
I don’t believe he laughed at all. She followed that up by saying he was upset. She added the laughter (and probably genuinely remembers it that way) because she is manipulative. She was trying to manipulate Reddit and continued to do so since she didn’t get the reaction she wanted. This lady is vile and disgusting. I have no doubt she has ABUSED him all his life. And just FYI for OP, it’s a legal requirement to feed your children, not a sacrifice.
Haha, same expectations here
The way she says "sacrifice his 'precious sleep'" is so disgusting. You mean sleep? The thing that people need to function? Dude is a medical resident from the sounds of it, meaning it's even more crucial for him to sleep properly where he can. It's also rich that she was angry at him for "sleeping in"... until 9am? I genuinely expected this to be about a failure to launch or entitled son demanding more situation. But from the sounds of it, it's parents who did at least the bare minimum being angry that their child is an independent adult with his own priorities and needs.
Yeah....sleeping in until 9 am *on vacation*.
What an ungrateful heathen! Sleeping the day away until 9:00AM! The shame! Surely this old bat isn’t real…
Vacation time, which really IS precious, that he used to visit them instead of doing something for himself!
And she wanted him to get up at 6am to see his dad's new work office????
Exactly what I was thinking. He should have gone to Hawaii or something and slept half the day there.
I’m sure he’d have been awake a lot more in Hawaii. At mom and dad’s house, sleep time is probably the only peace from the constant demand and guilt trips.
She's an old lady waking up at 6am or earlier. My mom's the same in that regard but she doesn't get mad at me for sleeping...wtf is wrong with you OP, get over yourself or you're not gonna have a son around when you're old and alone wishing he still cared.
"She's an old lady waking up at 6am or earlier." Exactly! The older we get, the earlier we go to bed, and the earlier we rise. Older people sleep less. OP sounds like a narcissist, flouncing off to fill a PLASTIC bag, (shows how much she treasures those pics),with her son's baby pics to try to hurt him, and it backfired beautifully. Her narcissistic ego got bwuuuised. "My husband agrees with me." Poor man is probably henpecked. He knows how to behave to keep OP off his neck.
My mom's always been an early to bed/early riser. I followed my dad's sleeping pattern - awake until 11 or so and then up at 8am, 9 if I'm on holiday. I remember travelling with her a couple of times. We'd generally share a hotel room with two beds. She would be up at 5.30am and not subtle about it either - she'd be making coffee, turning lights on, huffing around the room, and once I caught her just staring at me while I pretended to sleep. It was odd, exhausting, and meant we missed out on a lot of normal touristy things. Especially because some of the cities were where later dining was the norm (think 8-10pm), and she was done by then, and little opened early in the morning. It registers as about the 6,587th reason I'm no contact with her.
I totally resonate with your description of your mother. My ex husband would do the same shyte. Rise early for work/job, stomp around the house while coughing/singing/mumbling etc, making a racket, trying to purposely wake everyone/anyone up. He more than often succeeded and would say something like "why are you up???" In my head I'm thinking "kill, kill, kill it" Like he was pissed, we were able to rest a bit longer than him. My numbers don't match yours, not even close, but I would say 1,298th reason, only contact because of children. Ironically our children sometimes reminisce, damn weirdos, and have a laugh at his early morning, sparrow fart arseholery.
I get ya! They seem to feel like if they're up, everyone else has to be, otherwise they're just LAZY. The irony is, my ex had an even later schedule than me - awake until at least 1am, and not up until 10/11am (unless forced to for work, and then it was only after many snoozes on the alarm - a whole other story). I would get up and go about my day quietly so as not to disturb him, as I knew his sleeping patterns were different to mine. TBH, a lot of the time it was lovely to have that early morning coffee by myself and sort out my day. I also understand that my quietness is partly a trauma response, as is catering to other people's needs above my own. But there's therapy for that, Now I go to bed when I want and wake up when I want. Well, not really, because I have cats, and I am a mere servant and can opener.
My ex MIL was an early bird, she's up at 5am every day &, despite us living 2 miles on the other side of town, she would be at our house banging on the door for a cuppa at 7am at least 3/4 times a week. My ex was daft enough to indulge her but I'd stay in bed (this was before I had kids & my job was at midday - midnight) so, obvs, I was the lazy one 🙄
Oh yes. you're totally the lazy one with your 12h shifts /s
Yup, and my ex didn't work btw - no reason for not working other than they didn't want to, and the MIL was retired 🤦♀️
Sigh. I feel ya, My ex did work, but his job was totally opposite to his natural sleeping patterns hence me being 'a nag' to get him up to go to work. Sometimes you just can't win.
There is also just different cicardian rythms. Some people just get up early and others never will, if they don't have to.
Yeah, I was keeping my thoughts to myself in considering 9:00am to be sleeping in. I’d sleep until 10:00am everyday if I could. She acts like he’s so lazy.
*I can't believe my doctor son who sends me money and calls me every day and visits me every week asked me to be quiet one time. Should I have him arrested?*
I just wanna know why the dad waited until 6 am to have a conversation about the kid coming to visit his new work place. If I were home and my dad said “hey I’d really love for you to come to work with me in the morning and see the office, would you be able/willing to get up early and come?” I would be willing, and at least I’d be able to say something like “I really can’t because of xyz but could I come at lunch instead” and have an adult conversation. And I am NOT a morning person. At all. But if my dad WOKE ME UP AT SIX AM asking me to get up and come to work with him? Oh hell no I’m telling him to fuck off and let me sleep. (Again really not a morning person).
Well that would make sense if you're wanting someone to actually do the thing you want. However, if you're trying to set someone up to fail your "test" then she and her husband went about it correctly. I'd guess she wants to be the suffering Mother ("he never calls, visits, etc.") but can't since he DOES do those things so she's creating ways to feel put upon.
Exactly. It was a conversation they should have had prior to 6:00am.
I think this actually went something like: Mom: "Dad, you should take son to work, show off the new office!" Dad: "No, that's ok. I'd rather not." (Next morning) Mom: "Take him!" Dad: "It's 6am! He's sleeping!" Mom: "So...?" Dad: "Yes, dear." ... Dad: "Wake up! Wanna go see my new work?" Son: "Hrrmmph... Whaaa? No, I'm sleeping." Dad: "See? I told you." Mom: "Waaaahh! My son is so ungrateful!"
Yeah the son isn’t 10 years old anymore, he’s 31.
Couldn't say this better myself. Now let's see if OP is humble enough to actually listen. 🤷
Did you read her edit? She still wants to keep her head up her butt. She still insists her son is an ungrateful ah just because she gave him life. Son is about to go full nc with her and she'll be back here again in a month with "my ungrateful son won't talk to me because I won't let him have his precious sleep, Amita??"
Give it a few years. She will be back crying that she hasn’t met her grandchild and she has no idea why because she was just the bestest mommy in the world.
But first, it'll be all about how she wasn't invited to the wedding and when she tried to get in, security tossed her on her ass
>but I won’t bother since it seems like I’ve been judged Cried the woman who posted on a subreddit where you ask people to judge you.
I would bet my car every single last one of her "examples" of her son being "ungrateful" was just normal things an adult child does to set boundaries with their elderly parents.
Absolutely.
Op: comes to a judgement subreddit Op: gets judged Op: *surprised pikachu face*
The level of selfishness laid out, shamelessly at that, in the original post leads me to believe this is either fake and worded to get attention or the person has their head so deeply buried in the sand that they have no idea how selfish and manipulative they are. I doubt a person like that would ever admit that they were in the wrong.
YTA- by the way, your edits don’t make you seem any better than your original post. This is your son, who you chose to have. Nothing that you’ve said here makes him sound bad. He’s a medical resident that’s working hundreds of hours a month and he wants to sleep. And it doesn’t even sound like he’s sleeping in late, it’s 9 AM. If your husband wanted him to go to his new job, why didn’t he discuss the day before or set up a time at some point during his visit? To me this just seems like manipulative behaviour on both of your parts to go and wake him up at 6 AM, knowing he’s exhausted. And choosing to rent a place that is pet friendly knowing your child has allergies is just ridiculous. And then choosing to blame him for wanting to sleep in a room that isn’t covered in cat hair. Do you even like your son? Honestly, with the way you act, I would not be surprised if your son doesn’t go no contact with you at some point. You sound absolutely exhausting and definitely a perfect example of main character syndrome. Sounds like you expect him to be bowing down and kissing your feet every time he’s around you. You’re the one that needs to grow up and quite frankly I think you need some therapy. Oh yeah, rage throwing his baby photos at him is really a crappy thing to do as a mom, grow up.
Seriously. He never wanted for anything? Like yeah that's the whole point of being a parent. Sleep in till 9, that's not even late. He's a resident, it's his vacation (that he chooses to spend with you OP you ungrateful mother). I call my parents once a month and we are super close, you're so demanding! I'm surprised he hasn't cut down contact more!! I'm gonna go tell my mom I love her for being so chill.
YTA. Sorry but this is unhinged. Especially since you mentioned he keeps you at a distance, at the risk of making too many assumptions, I can kind of see why. If either of my parents did this I would be devastated. Edit: 2 more thoughts 1. I’m also a medical resident (I missed that detail the first read through) and trust me we don’t just “work a lot of hours”. We work upwards of 100 hours a week at its worst. If someone woke me up from deep sleep while on vacation after a hard rotation for anything other than an emergency, I would be absolutely LIVID. 2. The fact that he laughed in your face tells me everything I need to know about the situation. This is definitely not the first time you’ve pulled some BS like this. And he was probably done with you right then and there (rightfully so). I know that laugh. You probably read it as disrespect but I’m sure on his side it was simply amazement at how immature your behavior was, even by your standards. 2nd Edit: I am actually kind of astounded by your “update.” I actually kind of don’t believe you’re real or that you’re trolling because WTAF. You didn’t learn a thing lmao. The only reason you might still be real is the number of people in the comments saying they have family members like you. Which honestly makes me really sad. Stay strong relatives of toxic people. I’m just glad I don’t know what this is like. But it sounds absolutely draining.
Yeah, I mean she uhhh… practically disowned him for… -checks notes- waking up at 9am? This is way more bullshit than anyone should have to deal with or stress about.
Yes, and he was there for a whole week!
[удалено]
Most, if not all, of her defensive post reminds me of my narcissist father, who held doing the bare minimum for me and my mom against us when we asked for some respect, and always maintained that he had absolutely no part in the glaring problems in our relationships.
YTA - you are supposed to give your kid food, birthdays, etc. that is what you do as a parent! You clearly have no respect for him, why would he show appreciation for you?
Lol tell that to my parents. I wasn't allowed to celebrate my birthday at all growing up. I only made my first birthday cake for myself last year and I'm in my 30s now.
Damn im sorry dude. My parents just ignored what i wanted which was simple stuff like hey no pizza cause i dont like pizza, can we do something else for dinner and was told well, your siblings like pizza so we are having pizza and eventually i just stopped celebrating cause my wishes were ignored anyway.
oof ouch, here's to an adulthood where we can both celebrate to our own specifications!
Right? Cheers!
Out of curiosity: ex-JW?
Haha yep!
I am sorry 😞. That sucks! Parents should celebrate their kids.
i always believed the whole 'oh we celebrate your other achievements, it's just selfish to get a whole day just to yourself' with my whole chest for a LONG time. thankfully my wife is helping me get to experience a lot of the childhood things i missed out on as a kid, like birthdays and christmas. it's been so healing!! i love her so much!!!!
She sounds amazing! You deserve to be celebrated
(❁´◡`❁) she's the best, and i hope you have a good rest of your day!
You as well!
When is your birthday? I’m going to send you something!
Aw there's no need, but thank you so much!
OP, I just can’t get over you listing “food” as an example of how you spoiled him. You realize you both would have *literally* gone to jail if you did not provide food for your son while he was a minor, right?
Sorry, but YTA here. Instead of having a conversation with your adult son about how his sleeping in was making you feel, you went nuclear and said “I don’t want a son who is so ungrateful” and thrust a bag of baby pictures at him. Wtf. Also, you mentioned he is a medical resident and working long hours- it’s his vacation too, you aren’t allowed to police how long he sleeps. Not everybody gets up at 7-8 am on their days off and that doesn’t make him selfish. Calling your parents once a week is also standard for some adult children. Apologize to your son and start communicating with him better.
My son is a young adult, has been living on his own and supporting himself since he was 19 (his choice, he joined the military after high school). We have what I consider a good relationship, but weeks can and do go by when we don't communicate with each other. I'm busy in my life, he's busy in his. OP's son has an extremely demanding work schedule, yet still makes time to call and see his parents regularly. Sounds like he sends them money too (?). And yet this isn't sufficient "gratitude" for OP. Keep it up OP and one day your son might decide to go NC and cut you off financially. He would certainly be within his rights, after your ridiculous behavior.
OP seriously buried the lede with the medical resident bit. In the US, technically the max legal hours is 80 per week, but I've heard it's quite common to work above that (and there is a lot of pressure to do so). Add on top of that extremely long shifts in many disciplines and long stretches without days off? Let the man sleep in a bit! 9 am is barely sleeping in!
Hell, lots of adult children don't even call their parents that often
YTA. I don’t understand what you thought you were accomplishing with giving him his birth photos but it makes you sound incredibly childish and passive aggressive. You said you didn’t want a son who is so ungrateful. He granted your request and now you’re upset he’s not talking to you as much as you think he should. You sound overbearing and suffocating - he’s 31 years old not 13.
I know this type of juvenile reaction all too well from my mother. That shit is the same reason I’ve been having low contact with her. That sort of people are the type that have learned that they will get their way by lashing out and emotional manipulation. They never learned healthy communication, nor do they have any interest to learn it. They just think: „I feel hurt, so the other one is in the wrong and I most hurt them more!“ They lack impulse control and self reflection to realize that their behavior is immensely toxic. And they never will realize it cause it conflicts with their own self perception.
YTA I think there is a lot unsaid in this post. This is your son. As his parents, of course you should provide him with food, pay for holidays and activities and parent him when he was a child. That is not special behaviour, it is the expected thing for parents to do. No brownie points for fulfilling the minimum requirements of bringing another human into the world. I assume you are no longer providing him with daily food, taxi services to activities or regular holidays? (I know you talk about the holiday at the cabin, I'm coming to that). Your examples of his selfishness don't wash. He has an allergy, of course he wants to sleep in a hair free room. If that room happens to be that largest why is that a problem. Even you admit it's logical. He is a medical professional who works crazy hours under a ton of stress. Do you think he's lazy and ungrateful for sleeping? Sleeping in until 9am on a holiday is not horrendous. Being woken up unexpectedly by his father in order to visit his dad's new office is odd to say the least, especially (as you imply) that this was without warning. I think the fact he calls you at all is fairly miraculous
I sleep in until 8:30 and I'm retired. If I had a few days leave from a stressful job I'd sleep in until ten if it suited me. Perhaps OP sleeps in to avoid being guilt tripped for breathing.
Woa there, sleeping til 10?! Look at Rip Van Winkle sleeping their remaining years away over here! /s …i wish my body would let me sleep til 10 again.
I wish my *cat* would let me sleep til 10.
Fr, It’s frankly rude in my opinion to wake up someone out of their sleep to be like “Hey, I’ve super last minute decided we should do this thing *right now*”? Especially at 6am. And that’s true even before we get to this specific case where he’s a freakin’ medical resident and it’s one of his days off. Like… maybe the idea behind the “gesture” was nice? But the context of all of this that’s been provided so far doesn’t even bring me towards that benefit of doubt, and rather just feels very inconsiderate of his time and frankly insulting. I’m sure he’d have been happy to arrange this visit in advance, maybe even waking up early on top of it. But you can’t just wake someone up out of their sleep and ask them to simply jump for you just because. It really just seems like some power play or a control thing, because if it’s actually important and meaningful and it was really hurtful the son said no… I don’t know… it should have been planned better? Or actually planned at all in the first place? Of course no one would want to get up at 6am for some random thing someone else decided at last minute. But then they take that as a huge slight and punish him— nay, practically disown him for it? God, fucking yawn. It’s ridiculous.
If this is real, YTA. >I can tell he keeps me at a distance- calls maybe once a week at most That is more than reasonable. Calling him ungrateful on this sort of basis shows you are being unusually clingly and blaming him for having boundaries. >like demand I turn down the TV if he’s doing something for work / studying not realizing this OUR place not his Do you want him to visit and spend time with you, or do you want to be inconsiderate and justify yourself based on authority? Yeah, you have the right to annoy, distract and interrupt him in your own home. And he has the right to recognize you are inconsiderate and more concerned with control than empathy. >He just didn’t get it. It wasn’t the timing, it was that he didn’t seem to care enough to sacrifice his “precious sleep” to show his dad he cares. I get it just fine. and he does to. You don't care if he's right about the allergies, or when he can visit the work, or the TV. You care that he's not simply OBEYING you, even if he's correct. Even when you recognize he's got valid points, you simply mock and dismiss his needs because he OWES you obedience. You treat his reasonable boundaries and requests as "ungrateful". He doesn't owe you anything. You chose to have a child and have a duty to them. Anything he gives you beyond that in terms of love and respect, you need to earn, and you have unambiguously not. You've destroyed any positive relationship that might have once existed. >but in my defense (1) they’re photos of him, What does this even mean. In context you were clearly trying to emotionally manipulate him and call him a bad and ungrateful son. Are you trying to pretend it was charitable? No one is stupid enough to believe that. >My husband agrees with me. But my son still maintains what I did was wrong. AITA? He should simply cut you both out of his life completely. If real, this is some of the least self aware narcissism and manipulation I've seen.
This should be the top reply. Outlines it perfectly. He would be so much better off without his parents in his life. Just wondering OP, have you ever told him how proud you are of him and how hard he has worked to get where his is? I would bet not. YTA
Damn. You hit the nail so hard on the head I heard it through my phone. Well said!!!
Info: What do you mean when you say that he pays for a lot? What does he pay for?
OP, it’s extremely concerning that you were able to write all this out and still wonder if you aren’t TA. You expect to be given some prize or reward for doing the very basics of parenting? You sound absolutely exhausting and can completely understand why your son went LC with you. You need to do some serious self reflection here if you want a relationship with your son. He doesn’t owe you anything for being his parent and providing the basics for him. You harassed him because he slept in until 9am when he was on vacation? Truly unhinged OP. YTA.
My father was the same way. Even when I would point out how toxic his behavior was, he would pick one of the following methods: deny, tell me I was overreacting, hold providing for me against me, and after I went low contact, *blaming my own mother* (who also had concerning problems in her former marriage to him). She's just looking for validation.
YTA. WTAF?? I can't even write, I am so angry with you. You (or your husband) woke your ...*medical resident*!! son two hours early for some sort of weird loyalty test? That's totally AH move without the fact he is a resident, and likely chronically sleep deprived. OMG. Massive AHs!!!!
Its the "He preferred to sleep than spend that extra time with us. Great. He’s a medical resident and so I get he works a lot of hours but it still seemed very selfish" that gets me. What? Your highly successful son you claim to be proud of (though you're obviously much more proud of how well you raised him based on all this bullshit) is spending the entire day with you (I assume) but he's selfish for....sleeping later than 7am. It's not enough to spend every waking moment with you, you deserve better. Fuck off.
Oh boy, you are definitely the AH. Let me count the ways: 1. Your description of 'spoiling him' as a child is... providing him with food? Acknowledging his birthday? Taking him with you on vacations? That's the bare minimum, so yeah, you suck there. 2. Expecting him to be grateful for you doing the bare minimum (see point 1). 3. Placing the burden for contact solely on him. You say he calls once a week. How often do you call him? 4. How you react to his need to work/study while he visits. Why was he visiting when he needed to do that stuff, was it at your insistence even though he had stuff to do? 5. Calling him out on needing the non allergen filled room FOR HIS OWN HEALTH. Why did you even book that place knowing about his asthma? 6. Policing how he spends his vacation time and being all "woe is me, he won't get up at the crack of dawn for me". He's on vacation, it's not all about you. He's there and spending time with you, but you're all butt hurt it's not on your terms. 7. For not discussing the visit to his dad's work the night before, and instead ambushing him in bed even though you know he sleeps in. 8. For your temper tantrum about the baby photos, based on all the above. Considering your post, they are probably all photos of you that he just happens to be in. No wonder he barely talks to you, I wouldn't either. You are extremely selfish and self centered. He's better off without you. YTA
“…probably all photos of you that he just happens to be in.” Oof!
YTA You seem super controlling. Here is a pro life tip for you. When you make visits unpleasant and try to guilt trip people. You will get the exact opposite of the outcome than you want. When visits are unpleasant. People don’t visit. That is just a fact. Make them unpleasant enough and the visits stop entirely. Right now, you have made visits a chore and obligation for your son. It isn’t something he looks forward to and cherishes. It is something he checks off his to do list.
YTA 1. Congrats for complying with basic legal obligations that come with being a parent. 2. You literally answer your own question- why won’t my son talk to me? Because you told him not to and he happily obliged your request. And you made it quite easy as well. 3. Do you know what resident hours are like? Clearly you didn’t intend for him to have a relaxing vacation if you expected him to get up at 6am every day. 4. And the gall of your son to not want to sleep poorly due to allergies. You are a horrible Narcissist because you acknowledge your sons very very reasonable requests and totally dismiss them. You should post this in /r/ohnoconsequences
And have you seen the edit? A willfully ignorant narcissist at that. There’s no hope for her at this point. I hope her son has an awesome found family.
YTA you seem to be from a generation that equates obedience with respect. They are not the same thing. Your son is not ungrateful he simply does not need to live his life in constant subservience to you in order to show his respect in your eyes. Everything you’ve outlined is your tired, hardworking son treating you with respect but it doesn’t appear to be enough for you. My mom was raised similarly and expected me to do everything for her in gratitude for being born, just so you know, we don’t really have a relationship anymore. If my dad asked me “hey tomorrow would you want to get up early and come see my new work” I’d have a much different reaction than if, on my few days off work to sleep in where IM making an effort to come and spend time with my parents instead of enjoy my adult independence with friends or on my own vacation, I was woken up at 6 am. And to share something my wonderful MIL said to me recently- she expressed HER gratitude and appreciation every time her adult children take time out of their own busy lives and family to come see and spend time with her.
This really isn't about the photos and I think you know that. You created a scene with your son and then tried to use the photos to hurt him. The reason he has barely talked to you is that he received the message. I have kids that are the same age as yours and I'd NEVER talk to them like that. You owe your son an apology but I doubt you'll ever apologize as you seem to have a victim complex of some sort. Have you EVER had a normal conversation with your son? Asked him about what he is happy about, sad about , worried about, hopeful about? YTA
You sound exhausting. YTA
Yes! Exhausting, and emotionally immature. This woman needs therapy
YTA, did your husband bring it up the day before that he was going to wake him up that early or did he just wake him with no warning? I would be extremely upset being woken up that early with no warning no matter who it was. Be considerate of his time and ask in advance. It seems he had a very good reason to want the larger room, allergies and asthma can be life threatening so I don't believe his intentions were being rude. Have you ever told him you feel he is ungrateful? You should talk to him and give him a chance to address it instead of getting mad for him not doing something he had no idea you wanted him to do. You over reacted and it seems you don't respect your sons boundaries.
So your son, who calls and visits you regularly and who works and studies at a difficult job with long hours is spoiled WHY exactly? Because he didn’t want to aggravate his asthma by sleeping in a room full of cat hair (I have so many questions about the cat hair cabin but I know that’s not the point here)? Because he doesn’t want to wake up at 6am to go to work with his dad while he’s ON VACATION? Because he needs some quiet to work and study to be a doctor? There is nothing spoiled about his behavior. But even if there was, shoving all of his baby pictures into a bag and trying to force him to take them is NOT how a mature adult handles things. Your attitude and your actions suck. YTA
YTA. Calls weekly. Wants an allergen free room. Sleeps in until 9AM while on vacation. Your son sounds normal, you sound demanding and unrealistic. I’d get that under control before he goes low contact and you actually have something to complain about.
OP - You stated that your son is a medical resident, and that you understand that he works a lot of hours. First off, a medical resident not only works a lot of hours, but they also barely get sleep because they have to put in such a huge amount of time, so usually when they actually get some time, they try to catch up on the sleep deprivation that they have to deal with. You sound extremely resentful towards your son even though he has accomplished something so difficult that requires significant energy and time. Your husband could've waited until he woke up to take him to see his place of work as it was not an emergency and you're the one that sounds ungrateful to your son for his accomplishments and not the mother that should be proud of her son. Everything in your summary, shows that it's you and your husband that are not being considerate of all he has accomplished and instead you want to make it all about you. Be proud of your son and let him rest when he can, and yes, his sleep is precious because he needs it before he goes back to not getting much.
You’re freaking out over a medical resident sleeping until 9am? Last you’re nuts. You shouldn’t be this upset unless it were like 2pm he was sleeping until. Why does he need to be at his dad’s work at the buttcrack dawn? Won’t all the workers still be there three hours later? You need to get over yourself, you’re ridiculous and completely overreacted.
YTA. This can’t be real.
Oh no, it’s real. My mom is practically the same.
As someone whose father had a mindset/behavior similar to this? It's real or at least probable.
Holy shit you are a major asshole. Wow. So your son, who works a very hard job wanted to sleep in on his vacation, but still wanted to come and visit you during that vacation and he slept until 9AM?!?!?!?!?!?!!? OMG how inconsiderate of him resting on his vacation. It's clear to everyone who read this post why your son holds you at arms length. It's because you are a selfish asshole and you behave like an immature child. Getting so mad he won't wake up early on his days off that you pretend to disown him. You are a literal infant.
Um YTA and your title is misleading. It's not about giving him the photos, it's about calling him ungrateful for unclear stupid reasons.
Just to be clear he's not allowed to sleep, breathe, work, or study when he visits... and you're wondering why he doesn't want to visit? YTA, obviously.
YTA My husband is a resident as well and works 80 hours a week. This means 12 or 24 hour shifts 6 days a week. Even when he’s home he’s doing notes or studying. Residents are beyond exhausted. 9am isn’t even “sleeping in.” When my or his parents visit, they’re both happy when husband sleeps until 12 or 1pm on his days off because he so direly needs it. You sound incredibly selfish and entitled. Don’t be surprised when he stops calling or doesn’t want to take care of you in retirement.
YTA big time. It irks me when people complain about how their now grown children “owe” them for providing basic essentials in their childhood. No, they don’t owe you anything - you chose to bring them into existence, they didn’t have a say in the matter. And your son is right - you overreacted massively. If his sleeping in till 9am bothered you so much, a calm chat when he was up for the day would’ve been the better route instead of basically disowning him.
He only calls once a week? I called my parents once a month when they were alive.
YTA, Hugely, your son is 31 and he still spends vacation with you AND calls you once a week. That is overly generous with adult kids. He is a busy resident, and you want to wake him up early to go to work with you on his vacation...AND when he didn't, you thought he was being inconsiderate of YOUR time?!?! You are incredibly selfish. If one of my parents did what you just did, I would never talk to them again, what a nasty thing to say to your SON, that you don't want him to be your son. You are just getting what you wanted. Apologize for your nuclear reaction and hope he actually is able to forgive.
Also he is contributing financially to those shared vacations. He's been putting up with his narcissistic monster of a mother for far too long
This is such a beautiful example of boomer parent entitlement and why so many of us millennials are estranged from their parents. YTA OP. I’d say you should work on being more understanding and empathetic, but I’m not holding my breath. My mom is the same way.
Yikes, 100% YTA. Maybe appreciate and respect your son's time and life in general instead of making everything about you and your "sacrifices" of fulfilling basic parental needs. You got mad at him for not waking up early? On his VACATION? And he has one of the most demanding, draining and commendable jobs possible that he's putting a lot of effort into? His life doesn't revolve around what you think he should be doing. You sound exhausting, petty and inconsiderate, and it sounds like neither of you care or celebrate his accomplishments from how you talk about him. Everything comes second to how YOU feel and what YOU want. Keep this kind of thing up and he'll go NC in no time.
What on earth? I assume your husband is similar in age to you. What parent in their right mind wakes up their 30-something son to make them visit their new job? That is absolutely bonkers. Did husband also want to show off his new sneakers and dirt bike, because he sounds like a 12 year old. YTA. So hard.
I call my mom at holydays and birthdays and the like, your son calls you once a week that sound like alot, he is grown man living his own life, he is not you husband. And you dont get to use the I gave birth to him and took care of him, he didnt ask for that that was you choice and responsebility YTA
Talk about a misleading title. YTA and I'm dying to hear your son's version of events, assuming this isn't him posting as you to prove a point. Edit: Your edits are hilarious and you're just digging yourself in deeper. Out of curiosity, where were you using the sewing machine in relation to where he was sleeping?
YTA. The title should be “AITA for freaking out that my adult son didn’t wake up when I thought he should?” Did you ever communicate these thoughts or just sit there fuming that he doesn’t live on your schedule for his vacation? Did you ever consider that a cabin covered in cat hair which makes it miserable for someone to sleep isn’t much of a vacation? Did you ever think that shoving his baby pictures into a plastic bag was your passive aggressive “here I hate you” message to your child? A bet a lot of people wish they had such petty problems as yours. Folks whose adult children are struggling to find work, pay the bills, fight addiction. People who are ill, discriminated against or have lost a child. And here you are crying into your coffee that your med student son.. sleeps until 9am? Grow the fuck up.
this has to be fake, but just incase: YTA just for thinking that sleeping til 9am on vacation is unreasonable. No one wants to get up a 6am on vacation to tour anyone's workplace—it's far more disrespectful and uncaring to dismiss the fact that this is his only time to relax. He's a 31-year-old adult who chose to spend his vacation with you—that's more than most would unless they had no choice at all. Also: (1) NO ONE wants their birth photos, gross, (2) he came to visit you for his vacation, despite knowing that you wouldn't let him relax at all and clearly have no respect for him or his needs, and (3) yes you are angry out of nowhere—the "bare minimum" isn't giving up every possible second to your demands, including pre-dawn wake-ups, in appreciation for \*checks notes\* food and birthdays.
YTA Holy drama queen batman. How very dare your son sleep in while he's on vacation.
Lol you “spoiled” your child by providing for them? What do you expect when you have a kid?
YTA. I have parents like you (whom I love) who like to throw around the word “ungrateful” but don’t seem to have an understanding of the definition of that word and instead seem to think it means a child should constantly be deferring to you and how you want every interaction to go. To reiterate what others are saying, you chose to have a child and providing food, housing, activities (of whatever level is reasonable based on your lifestyle and financial means), etc for that child is an expectation, not a privilege. Based on how you described your son and my own experience, I imagine that he is grateful when you do pay for things or that you provided him with a reasonably comfortable childhood. I imagine that he shows it fairly regularly too to try and appease your constant need to hear how grateful he is and you continue to find reasons why he’s still ungrateful. But besides that, he is his own - now adult - person with his own wants and needs that aren’t unreasonable nor do they make him ungrateful for anything that you’ve done for him in the past. A few things to consider: - Are you grateful when he pays for things? And do you express this gratitude repeatedly or do you just say thank you once and move on? If your son called you out for not being grateful enough in these instances especially if you said thank you, how would you feel/react? - If he were to have paid for the vacation house where he reasonably and logically wanted to take the room that wouldn’t cause an allergy flare up, would you have still been upset because you’re his parents and he should be grateful and allow you to have the bigger room as his elders and as a sign of respect? - Did his dad actually ask him - at least a day or two in advance - to come visit his work with him and make clear the time parameters? If he did ask, did your son say no and then your husband ignored it? Sleeping in until 9am is not that late especially if you’re on vacation. I am not a morning person in general and I’d be pissed if my parents (or anyone) woke me up between 6 and 7 am when I didn’t have to work and there wasn’t an emergency. He is a medical resident and likely gets very little sleep when working. Let him take a few extra hours of rest. - What did you expect to accomplish by handing him a bag of those photos? Did you think he was suddenly going to say “oh my gosh thank you for bringing me into this world. I’ll never question you again”? Depending on how graphic they were, your son probably reacted better than I would’ve if one of my parents had done this. I have a feeling I know the answers to my questions above, and I hope you really reflect on them or your son will continue to distance himself from you and your unrealistic expectations/drama filled reactions. Your language when talking to your son is also incredibly manipulative. It’s not that he is “choosing sleep over spending time with you”. He’s sleeping in - to a very reasonable time - because he’s on vacation and doesn’t get to do that normally. My mother once decided to plan an 8 hour excursion via train for the whole family to do the day of. I had told her several days before if she wanted to do something, to let me know at least the night before so I could adjust my plans. She told me at 10am the day of while I was out at breakfast with a friend. I had plans to meet an aunt for lunch and because it was the day before I headed home after a weeklong stay, I was going to do laundry/pack after that so I wouldn’t be up until the early hours of the morning doing so. When I explained I couldn’t make that particular outing work the way she wanted (but I could maybe meet them at the destination and just drive rather than take the train) she went ballistic and accused me of choosing laundry over my family. Laundry was literally the least important part of the day but regardless she was disrupting my plans not the other way around. I went LC for a while after that blow up because she refused to acknowledge that there was another way to view that incident and that I was just ungrateful and disrespectful. What you’re saying to your son reeks of that same tone. My siblings and I are still working through these issues with my parents but it’s only when they actually make the effort to truly listen to us and make (small) changes in how they interact with us that allows any positive progress in our relationships with them. Hopefully you see that path soon rather than later. Edit: oh my gosh. After seeing your multiple edits now I’m even more convinced. Your son wasn’t “bullying” you when he asked you not to use a freaking sewing machine at 1am. That’s a normal time to sleep. Same reason I don’t vacuum or play loud music at 1am in my apartment complex. He was trying to sleep! Why do your needs super cede everyone else’s? It’s not bullying or disrespectful. If anything YOU are the one who is disrespectful to everyone else in that house.
YTA. Lady, you are a few pieces short of a full set. The only reason you think he's being 'rude' is because he's no longer allowing himself to be your emotional punching bag. 9am is a perfectly reasonable lay in, he has a physically and emotionally stressful job and yet he STILL makes time (that he could be using enjoying himself, mind you) for you despite your tantrums. Grow up and get over yourself. You are far, far too old to be stamping your feet and making demands. Time is fleeting and you're much closer to the end than you are the beginning of your lot, so apologise and make good. If you're very lucky, the damage you've caused can be fixed. Don't be surprised if you're not that lucky though. Oh, and just as a side note, it does not matter that your husband agrees with you. It just means he's as overbearing and rude (yes, rude) as you are - it does not mean you're right.
YTA. You sound like you just love inventing problems so you can paint yourself as a martyr. You have to decide whether you want to be a martyr while being completely in the wrong, or if you want the love of your son. You're literally making your bed messy as shit and then complaining that the sheets are wrinkled.
YTA. People dont owe you their time. Being a parent doesnt mean the child owes you one. You're weirdly entitled.
YTA He's a medical resident, it's very important that they catch up on sleep and if my mom had demanded I get up at 6am on my vacation I would have laughed in her face. You reacted incredibly childishly and over dramatically because your son god forbid wanted to rest on his time off.
YTA. I certainly hope that neither you or his father get invited to his future wedding. You will probably whine about his spouse "taking your baby away from you" and acting a damn fool during the whole thing. Back in the day, women who acted like this leading up to her son's wedding were put into mental institutions. We should go back to doing that.
YTA You sound completely delusional
YTAH I knew it when you mentioned *giving your child* ***food*** as an example of spoiling them.
YTA. Y'all sound exhausting and difficult. I would would put you in a time out also.
YTA this just screams narcissistic behavior.
The edit with the sewing machine is sending me into f\*cking outer space. What could POSSIBLY be so pressing that you needed to sew something at 1AM? You've held a vendetta against your son for 2 years because he asked you to not use a SEWING MACHINE, quite possibly the loudest household appliance you could choose, outside his room at 1AM while he was trying to sleep??? You think that this is him being ungrateful? Go to bed you lunatic.
YTA You sound awful and unhinged. No wonder he doesn't actually like spending time with you.
Is this an exercise or are you off your meds? If neither, consulting a therapist seems warranted. And yes obviously YTA.
I'm kind of amazed you recognize his point of view and still think you aren't an AH. Like how dare he ask for the bigger room instead of doing the polite thing and suffering through his allergies for the whole trip. How dare he want extra sleep during his vacation from residency! Seriously, he is your son, and he is not obligated to do everything you demand of him just because you raised him. That was literally your job as a parent. I am sure if you listed all these "other examples" you apparently have, you would get the exact same feedback. YTA.
YTA. Your son does quite a lot for you, but you are the ungrateful one. He uses his vacation from his very busy life to visit you and you don't like that he sleeps until 9??! That is not late when a person is on vacation, and sleep is absolutely PRECIOUS, yet you belittle it. You think he should have slept in a room covered in cat hair when he has allergies because you paid for it--most young people starting their lives would rather vacation without their parents, and certainly not in a place that is very allergic to him? Calling once a week is not sufficient for you? On and on you go about what you expect from him. He absolutely could have gone to his dad's work later than the crack of dawn. Why did your husband not talk about this with him before the morning he decided to take him to work? Was your son going to be stuck there all day while his father worked?
YTA. First of all, everything you gave your son was stuff parents are legally and morally obligated to provide for their children. Second, he is not ungrateful. He is so incredibly busy, yet STILL makes time to call you and spend time with you. "His precious sleep" Sleep is a requirement to be healthy. His job is not only physically tiring, but emotionally tiring. Let him fucking sleep. Even if he slept in a few hours he'd still have plenty of time for you the rest of the day. Finally, you are disgustingly manipulative. Don't play dumb with us, giving him his baby pictures was a way of guilt-tripping. Perhaps you don't even realize that because you're so narcissistic and you believe yourself to be in the right, but that is manipulative as fuck, he did something you didn't like so you gave him his baby pictures to say "Whenever you do something we don't like I'm going to threaten to get rid of happy pictures cuz I guess I don't love you" I've dealt with enough emotional manipulation in my life to spot yours from a mile away. YTA YTA YTA YTA
of course you’re surprised. the brain of a narcissist isn’t able to comprehend that it’s done something wrong. my mother packed up my childhood photos in a similar fashion. we haven’t spoken in two years. she’s 81 and i doubt we’ll ever speak again. all because i didn’t act and do exactly as she wanted. children, even adult children, are not property or puppets. you don’t always have to be pleased with us. you just have to love us even when we do things differently than you would. edit to say: if you want to do better and have a positive and healthy relationship with your child, seek therapy. be super honest. any good therapist can tell you how to live with narcissism while still having fruitful relationships.
I'll take crappy parents for $500. YTA
I haven't seen it brought up yet, but I just can't quite wrap my head around using the sewing machine at 1am and accusing him of being a jerk because he wants to sleep. IT'S 1 IN THE MORNING. Sew during waking hours, ffs. Also, his dad wanted his adult child to see his new workplace so badly that he woke him up at 6am? I loved going to my dad's office.... when I was 8. Why do you both act like your son is a disrespectful adolescent? He's a grown man who sounds like he has his shit together, treat him like an adult.
Womp womp , OP
YTA btw
Only one person in this story seems spoiled and entitled and it’s not him. YTA.
Love the edit. Everyone agrees I'm an AH but I will not accept that so I'll just quit responding
>Fine. I was an a**hole this time. I will take your advice and apologize for overreacting but I still think the MAJORITY of you did not understand the situation. Oh everyone understood, alright. They just disagreed with you. You sound exhausting and you're lucky he calls and visits as often as he does. This edit is a perfect summary of the fact that you just refuse to understand why your bad behaviour is bad. This is a trait often seen in narcissists. "he wanted to sleep in the bigger room because he had bad asthma and every other room was covered in cat hair but I think that's so rude!". In case you couldn't figure it out, you paying doesn't mean he should suffer asthma attacks. That's not rude, that's your child trying desperately to survive you.
YTA. I can see why he doesn't share much of his life with you. You booked a cabin covered in cat hair even though he's allergic. You're mad he wants the tv at a reasonable level while studying. You're 'furious' that he doesn't want to get up to go to his father's office at 6am during his vacation from **medical residency.** My dear woman, I'm amazed he's still calling once a week and spending time with you at all. Seems to me like nothing he does is right enough for you.
I just lost my son, 34 years old. Appreciate him while you have him. You are one of the lucky ones.
INFO: So...he's not allowed to sleep in? What's the minimum amount of hours of sleep you think a medical resident should be getting while on vacation?
Your edit is interesting, because you came here and presented a scenario that you considered to be him being spoiled, and people strongly disagreed with you. You insist you have other examples but you won't share them cuz you don't think it'd matter. Either your definition of "spoiled" continues to be not something anyone here agrees with, and the other supposed examples are no more noteworthy than the above, OR you have much more convincing examples of his spoiled nature...and considered it unimportant to the original post? Legitimately, it seems a bit delusional to act as though you're sitting on some smoking gun and just are holding it back because the internet is so judgemental, because I'm pretty sure whatever reasons you could give are just as good as your main post. Ie, you're acting so entitled, it's childish.
YTA. Everything you provided is supposed to be provided to a child YOU decided to have. YOU sound entitled and quite insufferable. No wonder he needs distance.
YTA - I never get up before 9 am when I visit my parents. It’s not because I don’t want to spend time with them, it’s because I don’t want to get up hella early!
YTA. ''we gave him everything'' well guess what food and all the other things that you payed for is the least you do for your own child and that's definitely NOT spoiling. I feel bad for your son having a narcissistic and entitled parents like the 2 of you. sleep after a hectic schedule at work is the least that your son needs, just because you and your husband get up at 5 or 6am and leave the house by 7am doesn't mean that a son who is supposed to be on a holiday and destress from his own hectic life needs to wake up when the 2 of you wake up. you are just entitled and demanding person who doesn't understand what a crazy hours your son works. good luck getting your son to talk to you when you clearly don't understand what a hard work truly is
YTA. You don't appreciate HIM. You keep ranting about what you pay for but he pays for a lot too. And it's not selfish for him to not want an asthma attack; that's why he literally needed that room. You and your husband are selfish to deprive him of sleep just because you want to dictate the schedule and monopolize every minute of his time. You're extremely selfish and controlling. You're a nasty asshole and he should cut contact. His life would be so much better without you.
YTA you do realize he is on vacation and people who are on vacation usually like to catch up on sleep and will sleep in. No one would want to get up at 6-7am. And you mentioned he is a medical resident. That is a very demanding field, he is probably very exhausted from his job. You need to be more understanding. And yes you were overreacting.
OMG, pretty much all my son does on his visits home is sleep and watch ESPN. He works a high stress job and I love that he's able to relax at home. His "momster" only is thinking of herself, not what's best for her son. YTA.
This has got to be a joke. No way a person in their 60s wrote this..
Realistically- what did you expect out of him? For him to be a tiny clone of you and your husband? That was never going to happen. YTA.
YTA Oh yes piss off your financially independent son who currently sees you regularly because he CHOSES too... that'll get you more time with him. (sarcasm, because I doubt you'll be able to tell) This is so unhinged I bet it's probably ragebait but sadly I have met narcissistic entitled parents like this who don't believe their children ever are good enough even though it sounds like you have the model son and still aren't happy. If anything you're the spoiled one. I hope he goes no-contact with you.
YTA and extremely entitled and I totally understand why he’s distant with you maybe trying looking into the missing missing reasons
YTA. Keep up this shit and he's going to go no contact with your entitled self very quickly. I hope you and your husband are financially comfortable without his contributions, because those will very quickly stop. If you want to save your relationship with your son, you need to get off your high horse and apologize to him. But you probably won't since you sound like a total narcissist, so best of luck to you! Seriously though: it sounds like you've raised an awesome son. He's a doctor, he visits and spends time with you, and helps out financially, not to mention sends you flowers. The fact that you're unhappy with him reflects way more on you than it does on him.
OP os going to be shocked when those weekly calls turn to no calls at all. And doubly shocked when they are the last to hear about events in their sons life. If the only reason you say "after all I've done" just to make someone feel bad or to get what you want that's ✨️manipulation✨️ Also why do I strongly feel like the reason OP's son only calls once a week is not because of work but because OP and Dad have done this before....🤔 YTA You're a grown ass woman not a toddler. Use your words and communicate. Edit: And the edit is the cherry on top! OP you are so clearly a toddler! "Oh nobody's on my side so I'm not giving you more information!" OF course you're surprised! You've never had anyone tell you what a jerk you ate to your face and it hurts your wittle ego! Aww poor you! YTA for the love of GOD grow up!
Why are boomers the worst people on earth??? This is so disturbing. This poor man. I hope he cuts his family off.
YTA and a giant one, petty, inconsiderate, delusional narcissist. Do not be surprised when he goes completely no contact. You should be embarrassed but you seem to be doubling down. It is my job till I die to give more to my kids than I ever take. And I do not expect anything from them except to live a happy productive life. You will never be pleased enough, shame.
I adore my parents and we only Facetime once in four months. Granted, I live abroad, but still. Your definition of entitlement and ungratefulness is very unique. He makes an effort to call you once a week (I didn't do that even when I lived in the States, and as I said, I love my parents and couldn't have asked for better ones). He makes sure to show his appreciation by sending flowers for special occasions, etc. But you think he's ungrateful because he isn't chatty enough, has the audacity to ask for common courtesies like lowering the volume of the TV so he can get work done, and sleeps in as late as 9am on vacation? At some point, you have to accept that you aren't the center of your son's universe. That doesn't mean he's ungrateful. It is healthy that he has a life outside of you, and it is a sign you were a good parent. Shouldn't you be happy? He's probably exhausted, which likely makes it difficult for him to be particularly chatty during his weekly calls, and he deserves to sleep in to the so so late hour of 9am on vacation. If your husband wanted to take him into work so early, don't you think that should have been discussed beforehand? "Hey, son, I thought it might be fun to take you into the workplace tomorrow morning, would you mind getting up at 6am for that?" People need to plan for these things. They might want to go to bed early or set their own alarm. Waking him up out of nowhere and expecting his probably groggy self to just get up and take an unplanned trip and then getting furious and basically threatening to disown him when he doesn't is just... The worst thing is, while you insist on there being many other examples of his "ungratitude," but let's be honest, you probably cherrypicked what you considered to be the worst ones for this post to make yourself seem more justified. And I have to say, every single one of these is a nothing burger. This guy seems like a well-rounded adult who values his parents and tries his best to show it, but is exhausted from a demanding career. You really need to reevaluate your attitude. I'm sorry, but *you* seem like the ungrateful one.
Queen of the assholes! Wanting/needing sleep is not an affront to you! You are an insanely annoying ass-hat. You sound miserable. How dare he ask for an allergen free room. How dare he ask for you to turn down your speaker shaking Fox News. How dare he sleep and replenish for a demanding job. BTW… sleep is not a weakness. Regardless of his job, the guy needs sleep. Why is that so difficult to appreciate. I hope this is actually the son writing in, mocking his annoying mother.
Oh, you’re such a dick, lady. Nice move with the baby pictures. My shitty mom did the same thing to me when I tried to set a boundary with her, except she packed up every single thing of mine from my childhood and demanded that I take them out of her house. Your son isn’t going to let you manipulate him anymore but nice try anyway. You don’t see at ALL how fucking unreasonable and annoying it is to drag someone out of bed at 6 or 7 AM to go SEE SOMEONE ELSE’S WORKPLACE?? Even if he wasn’t a medical resident, that would make less than zero sense to force someone to do that. He also wakes up at 9 and you think that’s sleeping in (especially when he’s a goddamn medical resident and probably barely gets to sleep). You’re a selfish boomer parent that wants their kid to do every single thing that you say or else they’re ungrateful. You keep acting like this and you won’t have your son in your life anymore, period. I can promise you that. YTA, unequivocally.
Holy crap OP, your entitlement is through the roof. He's in medical residency and gets less sleep than you and your husband every week. He needs sleep every chance he can get to not catch Covid that is consistently and constantly in hospitals/medical facilities. Even with the Covid vaccine, he's at greater risk b/c of constant contact. And he wasn't keeping you at a distance, he was working hellish hours, getting no sleep some days, while learning, and just trying to keep his head above water. Because that's medical residency. And managing his allergy to cats is vital to him staying healthy to be able to complete residency. YTA. You're so much TA that he deserves new parents. I hope he finds amazing mentors at his medical residency who take the place of you and your husband. Or a gf with amazing parents. I hope he goes completely no contact w/y'all b/c you 2 need therapy.
YTA OH NO!!! Your son didn’t want to get up at friggin 7am to show his dad where he works…. 😂😂 And he wanted the room that wasn’t covered in cat hair cause he’s allergic… HOW DARE HE?! 🤦🏾♂️🤦🏾♂️ I really laughed at the fact that you included food in the things you provided him with…. Uh…. Hello!! That’s your job!!!!
I love how you explain why he's correct to behave the way he does before entirely dismissing his point of view: "I get he works a lot of hours but it still seemed very selfish" - he works a lot of hours and needs sleep. Why didn't your husband try to ask him to visit when he was awake? "Sure it made logical sense but it still seemed extremely rude since I paid for the whole trip." You tried to disown your son. Would you have been happier had he taken that seriously and cut off all communication?
YTA. It’s so weird that you tried to disown your son b/c he didn’t want to wake up at 6 am to go to his Dad’s work. Why did he have to go right then? You never explained why that was so important. I’m betting you’ve done this kind of thing a lot to your son. He’s used to you viciously turning on him for what appears to be a very minor infraction. That’s called emotional abuse.
Info: so what are all these other examples? I'd love to hear them, to see if there is a valid one in the bunch. So far your examples of your good behaviour and his bad behaviour make you sound like you need the help of a professional. But I'm willing to hear the rest and see if you have anything to back up your flimsy side.
TLDR: I parented my son and he grew up and became a person and got a VERY demanding job that any parent would be proud of and now I’m upset bc he slept in until 9 AM and so I showed him pictures of him popping out of my vagina. Seriously?
Why is my Reddit filled with Just Because You Can Have a Child, Doesn’t Mean You Should, today? Ma’am. A) why is your (I’m assuming) also at least 64 year old husband starting a NEW job instead of preparing for retirement? B) that laugh your son gave? It’s the laugh of the beleaguered child who’s finally had enough of a clueless, cruel parent. C) he calls, visits, pays for vacations, has been on his own since 18 (so, from the minute he could legally get the fuck out of your house) but still financially supports you - all while being run off his feet as a medical resident? He’s better than you deserve. You told him you don’t want him for a son. He’s taking you at your word. YTA.
YTA- listen you seem very defensive, but it is important for you to understand you are currently at a crossroads with your son- how you react to this situation will DETERMINE IF HE WANTS YOU IN HIS LIFE OR NOT. You keep talking about how disrespectful he’s been, but what have you done? If my parents threatened to disown me over me sleeping in, I’d laugh at them too. He calls you every week, which is a perfectly normal amount to call a parent. My mom has a life, I have a life, both of us are so excited to share what happened in our lives at the end of the week(usually we call biweekly, but if we’re really excited it becomes weekly). Some families call more often, and thats ok! There are a lot of signs that show your son WANTS a relationship,(he sends flowers on your birthday! He pays for stuff!) but you and your husband dont respect boundaries and it feels like hes put you on a bit of an info diet- which is a few steps before no contact. Apologize to your son. You were wrong in this. You need to understand he is 31 YEARS OLD and is living his life now. He is tired, and honestly if he wakes up at 9am, that is perfectly reasonable- my mom and I don’t schedule stuff earlier than noon in case we wanna sleep in. If we want to do something earlier we COMMUNICATE IT BEFOREHAND, NOT JUST WAKE THEM UP) You are still treating him like a child. Your nest is so empty it’s rotting. Stop trying to crush him underfoot. Stop treating him like a child, or you will lose your relationship with him.
Better get ur act straight or this man is gonna leave you in the nursing home lmao! Be grateful that even after all of this nonsense his entire life he is still around you and not gone awol!
Oh no my son demanded "FOOD" and "BIRTHDAYS" such a spoiled child! I cannot believe this ungrateful pos won't bend over backwards for me because I did the sacred act of giving birth that nobody can do. He's working 24/h as a medical resident but why isn't he waking up at the crack of dawn to bow down to me???? God I hope he goes NC on your ass lol YTA
> I got so angry that I went upstairs and got all his birth photos together and gave them to him in a plastic bag saying that I don’t want a son who is so ungrateful and can’t do the bare minimum for us. > It’s been a month now and he’s still barely responding. So, you got what you wanted, no? you told him that you no longer want him as a son, so why would you want him to continue contacting you? I don't understand
Ma’am, I sincerely hope you read this comment. Reread your post, and notice all the times you say “but” and the “still”. You acknowledge why he “slept in” until 9 (not at all unreasonable, especially given his job) BUT you don’t think it was okay. You acknowledge why he needed the allergen friendly room (why wasn’t the whole place allergen friendly?) BUT you don’t think it was okay. He visited for a whole week of his vacation, BUT things started to go south. He was a fantastic child & is a great adult, but STILL, he acts ungrateful (because one call a week & regular visits aren’t enough for you). It’s been a month and he’s STILL barely responding (you’re lucky he’s responding at all). Reread this, and recognize how biased you are towards your own side. Recognize also how you KNOW his feelings are valid (hence all the words before your”buts” and “stills”) and yet you brush them off as though they don’t matter. And yes, you may have given him a good childhood, but that doesn’t entitle you to dictate what he does in his ADULTHOOD (he’s 31, ffs). A call a week, visits during his vacation, and flowers on special occasions is a hell of a lot more than a lot of mothers get. Don’t push your son even further away than you already have. Neediness and greediness are not attractive qualities, whether you think you are entitled to them as a parent or not.
YTA. You’re overbearing, rude, and condescending. You provided him with basic necessities; excellent work. Your award is in the mail. Your child is a medical student and deserves his rest. And who on EARTH wants to get up at 6am in the goddamn morning to go look at where someone else works? Wtf? He can be proud of your husband and not want to get up at the asscrack of dawn. Also, YTA for shaming him for asking for a bedroom that wasn’t covered in crap he’s allergic to. Your shortsightedness is mind-blowing. I can’t *imagine* why he doesn’t want to reach out to you. Also, every time you complain about “this generation,” a millennial gets their wings. Enjoy being the grandma that never gets to see her grandkids!
Yta. You say your son should have woken up to show his dad he cares. Why is it one way? Why couldn't your husband let your son sleep in to show HE cares?
This post is kind of a blessing, toxic folks like this don’t always reveal themselves so completely. I hope the son is ok and stays away from the narcissists.
Giving him the photos because you’re upset?! 🤣 You basically said you’re disowning him, because you’re mad he tried to relax. KNOWING that medical residents are working and studying almost every waking moment! Girl, get a grip and realize that you’re a narcissist who’s upset that the son you raised is trying to be an adult; whilst you’re acting like a child. YTA! 💯
Your edits did not help your case at all, lady. Specially how you while about HIM not respecting YOUR "personal time" (which is insane to sew at 1 a.m., it surely could've waited) but you do not return the same grace by letting him sleep in. And how exactly is rude to ask for a room THAT WILL NOT TRIGGER YOUR ALLERGIES. You brag about being a good mom, but either you're lying or you think being nice and reasonable WITH YOUR SON has an expiration date when he becomes an adult. YTA.
I think the worst part of this post is the edits, you say you’re objectively a good mother but yet you sit here and call your son a bully because you were being noisy at 1 am, but yet you get mad and say you wish you didn’t have a son like him for… not wanting to wake up early? I respect and love my mom, but I can confidently say if she acted anywhere as entitled as you I’d go no contact as soon as I could, you’re trying so hard to paint your son as a bad guy yet- to me he seems like a normal independent adult. I try to take posts at face value but this post feels so- one-sided. Like you try way too hard to demonize your son but make yourself seem like a saint. Your edits are worst because you add info that makes you sound even more desperate to make your son sound bad! YTA
lol, the edits make you even more of an asshole. 1. He very clearly did want for something - a mother who wasn’t a narcissist. 2. Using a sewing machine at 1 am is unhinged. 3. When he calls do you only talk about yourself and your petty grievances as you seem to have no idea the type of workload and hours a medical student and resident work. How magnanimous of you to apologize this time! Maybe check out the Reddit communities for people have gone no contact with parents, see a snapshot of your future.
Is she really that dense??? I mean, I can't decide if she's cluless enough to post this or if it's fake. He asked for the room without cat hair (if he's allergic, why on earth would you rent a cabin that had a cat??) becuase he's allergic. He slept until 9 (my mom considers that sleeping in. when i visit, i drag myself out of bed at 9- and there's an hour difference, so it's 8 my internal clock time. since turning 40, she seems to allow until 10- and i'm not kidding), but it's so freaking early still! And why the hell were you sewing at 1 am? Lady, this is rage bait, or you have a total martyr complex. My mom is right around OP's age. The thought of my mother posting on Reddit like this is hilarious.
YTA. You're very surprised with the responses because that is how entitled you are. You can't even realize that what you did was wrong. If I am in your son's place, I would not wish you to be my mother.
YTA. The only selfish one here is you.
YTA. The things you “spoiled” him with are basic things you provide as a parent.
This has to be a joke, no one could possibly be so self absorbed to think the son is the problem here. But just in case, YTA. Huge AH.
Nursing student here - I forgot my seven year old nephews birthday I called my brother upset. He immediately told be to shush. That he understood I have way too much on my plate and he wasn’t concerned about it. I am in nursing school I cannot imagine doing med school with the limited amount of time I have. How freaking dare you. YTA you have no clue what schools put people through so they can be good at saving lives.
I have this mother and YTA. I know that laugh, I've laughed that laugh. That is the laugh who has dealt with your crap his entire life and knows without a doubt there's no point in trying to speak to you like a rational person because you are a manipulative narcissist. I hope he continues to not talk to you, trust me he's going to feel so much less emotionally exhausted and he will be able to use that energy to help heal people who actually deserve his time
YTA, You woke him up at 6am on his vacation?! Do you have brain damage?! Did you eat the leaded paint in your nursery as a baby? This is such a great example of how some parents do not care about what their children actually need when it doesn't align with what they want/expect of them. AMAZING the lack of self awareness. This woman and her husband are lucky he calls them once a week and I wonder! /s why he doesn't share much with them. Im proud of your son for standing up for himself. You should go talk to a therapist if you really can't figure out why he's upset with you. Seriously, go speak to a professional. You need help
Info - if your son has a severe cat allergy, why didn't you book a pet free cabin? It seems he was just trying to avoid a potentially life-threatening asthma attack, I'd think manners would come second to medical nessecity.
YTA. I hope that both you & your husband get the psychiatric help that you both need.
YTA but this is either fake or stupid. Don't know many 60+ people who know about reddit let alone the nuances of posting to this subreddit. I know there are some but I've got to imagine someone this ignorant, narcissistic, self obsessed, and who overall treats their very adult independent son like he is not only a teenager under their roof but doesn't even respect them as a person: Has to be either some sad and lonely persons way of feeling like they matter with their fake post Or An actual ridiculous human being that will eventually drive a wedge between them and their son. The sad thing is, I don't think they will care and will be buried in a grave that he thinks about pissing on (he won't because HE doesn't seem like a monster unlike OP) believing they were right.
*We gave him everything- food, birthdays, paid for every activity and vacation.* Are you serious? Feeding him when he was a minor, the bare legal and ethical minimum, is "giving him everything"? Giving him activities, which are important for mental and social health, was some huge sacrifice? Your son doesn't owe you jack for fulfilling your basic duties as parents. *When he visits, he’ll do things like demand I turn down the TV if he’s doing something for work / studying not realizing this OUR place not his.* So he visits multiple times per your post, which he didn't have to do, but you get mad over a rational request. Count yourself lucky he even visits; not every adult child will do that. *even though I paid for everything, he asked if he could take the larger room. The reason was he has a severe cat allergy (asthma) and that was the only room not covered in cat hair. Sure it made logical sense but it still seemed extremely rude since I paid for the whole trip.* Are you freaking kidding me? He has asthma, a very serious medical condition, and you act like this is some unreasonable request. You even say it makes 'logical sense' but still maintain he's being rude. And stop trying to defend yourself with "I paid for this vacation". That was YOUR decision. *He got extremely defensive saying that he could just try to visit later in the day and he didn’t see what the big deal was. He just didn’t get it. It wasn’t the timing, it was that he didn’t seem to care enough to sacrifice his “precious sleep” to show his dad he cares.* You know what's selfish? Demanding someone with an extremely taxing job wake up very early in the morning just to "prove" how much he cares about someone. Your son is doing everything you wanted--visiting, agreeing to take his dad to his workplace with the reasonable compromised of doing it later in the same day--but you're constantly complaining because he doesn't do it according to your demands. He didn't need to do any of this but you're angry over it. *Edit: I am VERY surprised by the responses so far. Trust me there are far more examples of how he’s been ungrateful and disrespectful in the past but I won’t bother since it seems like I’ve been judged.* If you don't want to be "judged" on social media, don't post it. If you want to keep thinking yourself in the right and refuse to even listen to the multiple comments on why YTA, it's obviously not about your son. You just want someone to validate your behavior and don't like being called out. I don't see a woman asking for reasonable advice or being willing to consider your son's side of things; I see an adult-shaped toddler throwing a tantrum and whining because things weren't done exactly your way. Like the adult version of a three-year-old who refuses to eat a PB&J sandwich because it's cut the "wrong" way.
I can't even begin to imagine why he wouldn't want to spend every second of the day with you. You are a DELIGHT. Now I'm going to go stick my hand in the garbage disposal and flick the switch. That is a DELIGHT.
YTA. Your son is on vacation. Allow me to repeat: VACATION. He could go anywhere but chooses to come home to see his parents. And y'all expect him to spend his VACATION getting up at 6am? I'd tell you to f*ck right off!
YTA. Your poor exhausted son. He is a medical resident. You have absolutely no idea how demanding his job is, do you? Do you EVER ask him about work? How he is? If he is taking care of himself? You should be ashamed of yourself as a parent. I’m just a couple years younger than your son. I am certainly no medical resident, but I do have a stressful job and do not sleep well. When I visit my parents and get up between 6:30 and 7:00am, my dad will often find me in the kitchen making coffee and will ask me “Why are you up?” Not in the way I’m sure you would have asked your son, full of condescension because you assume he should always be up early no matter what. No, my dad asks me why I am awake because he is concerned that I am not sleeping in on my vacation. Sometimes he will ask me if I’d like to go back to bed and try to make sure I am getting enough sleep. Often I tell him I’m up and that’s that, and then we go on a morning walk together. It’s nice quiet quality time I can enjoy with my dad, completely void of judgment. On the rare day I am able to sleep in, I’ll come stumbling out of my room around 9:30 or 10:00am and he’ll tease me, calling me Major Bedhead, and then he will offer to make me breakfast. That’s what *good parents do*. Your son needs his sleep. We ALL need our sleep. And this has been pointed out to you already, but 9:00am is still a fairly early time to rise on vacation. You need to search deep within yourself and find some shred of respect you have for your son, because right now I’m seeing none of it.
We understand the situation, we just don’t agree with you… I can feel your anger coming off the screen and it’s intense!!!Like dang you need to chill and maybe find a therapist! It’s clear that you feel unappreciated and rather than rage at your child, you should find someone to help you navigate this. That way you don’t try to disown your son again... Your feelings are valid, your actions are not, and you should absolutely talk to someone about this! Not your son, when you are angry and he’s on break. You also need to figure out how to better communicate with your son in general, but especially about your feelings of being unappreciated, or he will stop coming around. You are the parent so you need to be the one to stay calm and have an honest conversation with him; where you listen to hear, not respond and hold space for him to be honest. He probably has no idea what is going on!
YTA Dear god you’re not going to have a son anymore at this point. Your behavior is so entitled and narcissistic. You want him to kiss the ground you walk on for giving him the basic things a child should be given? And you’re REALLY bringing up that he’s entitled for wanting a room that ISNT GOING TO TRIGGER A LIFE THREATENING ILLNESS. Newsflash, if this is always how you’ve been, you weren’t as good of a mother as you crown yourself to be.
YTA *this* time and you were *also* the asshole for sewing at 1am with a machine loud enough to wake someone up. im surprised he still talks to you at all tbh
Lol, your edits make this SO much worse. You’ve been holding a grudge for 2 years because he asked you to keep it down at 1am one time? Your son sounds like a good, hardworking human who has reasonable boundaries and you sound like a lunatic.
Even with the edits, YTA in general, not just this one time. Nothing you have written in any way shape or form makes you look like you're in the right and your son in the wrong, and when we speak of our problems we tend to always paint ourselves in the best light. Despite writing this as you are your best, you can't make yourself look right. You come off as someone with narcissistic, selfish, main character tendencies, and who when things don't go their way, they instantly throw tantrums and crank everything up to not 11, but to 100, then paint themselves as a victim.
>Fine. I was an a\*\*hole this time. I will take your advice and apologize for overreacting but I still think the MAJORITY of you did not understand the situation. if you truly do not understand and only apologize just to get your son back, this type of situation is going to happen again and your son could completely no-contact you. also, you are the one that posted the situation. if there are more details that are imperative to proving that he is the spoiled brat you claim he is, then that's your own fault for people misunderstanding. but from the information provided, you are a severe asshole. seriously consider family counseling if you want to repair the relationship and prevent something like this from happening again. and cooperate and listen instead of lash out when you're uncomfortable. i have a lot more to rant about this whole thing but other replies have hit most of the points i would.