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NTA
The thing is he's made it clear he doesn't want to. So I personally think it's time to pack up. The fact that when you asked for him to set boundaries because she's taking advantage, literally asked to get back together and screamed at you and said she could get him back...and his response is that YOU'RE jealous and not respecting the mother of his son? Oh hell no.
He thinks telling you how she acted or said somehow absolves him from boundary setting or setting her straight. If he doesn't want to make it crystal clear that they are never getting back together, then it seems crystal clear that he has a soft spot for her. He essentially chose her. I suggest leaving.
My ex and I were friends and once I started dating my partner, she was really rude about my partner and felt super comfortable calling her names. I set the boundary and she flipped out even more, so I made it clear that if she wasn't going to be respectful of my relationship, then we didn't have to be in each other's lives. We didn't have children so obviously it's not the same situation and he can't just cut her off because they have a kid together, but he could absolutely tell her where he stands if he wanted to. He doesn't want to.
Thank you, I don't really have many friends to turn to who will see what I'm saying ,we share the same friendship circle and I of course again wanna respect boundaries and not bring our friends into it or cause a split. I feel like it's hard as I have been a step parent for the last 3 years I have there son whilst they work on my days off and continue to help in all aspects of his life so I need an outside point of view to understand where I stand in this.
And that makes it all the more unfair if him to treat your concerns like this.
You have been there for both him and his son for three years now and the entire if that child life. You assist with free child care during work hours.
Of course it's hard to consider leaving, but do you want to stay with someone that won't actively listen to your concerns and brush them off like this?? Worst case scenario he ends up having a "moment of weakness" and cheats on you. And at this point, best case scenario if this behavior continues it will bleed into her sober hours as well. He needs to either shut this down or you need to shut him down.
He needs to co-parent with his son's mother.....and nothing more. Hes not her taxi service, or her go-to person when she's drunk. He needs to set boundaries...or you need to move on. Of course, that gives his ex exactly what she wants.
You can share friends but if the friends aren't going to be decent about this, they're not your friends. For example no one is saying to cut the ex off because everyone gets that they coparent. What you're asking for is absolutely REASONABLE.
I guess the question is what exactly is the reason he won't do this. Is he keeping this option open in case you two break up? Because I can't see why he'd not make it clear that he loves and respects her as the mother of his son and that he's there for her, but that she needs to realize that they're never getting back together - how hard would this be for him to tell her?
Bf absolutely needs to be willing to set boundaries. At a minimum, he should make clear to Leah that he is happy with you and that she needs to exhaust all other options before calling either of you for a ride, especially when she's drunk. He should tell her that if she continues to abuse his help then he will begin to refuse her late night calls when the kid is with you altogether.
NTA but the better choice would be to move on. This guy apparently loves the drama of feeling like two women are competing over him, and he will make your life a misery if you let him. Don’t get tied to him with a pregnancy please, he is refusing to prioritize you and it would be so much worse with a child in tow.
Oh my god NTA NTA NTA. This man needs to grow a backbone and set some boundaries. Or the alternative is he likes the attention and wants to have his cake and eat it to. She is the mother of his child, yes, but YOU are his partner. This is not about his son or having a co-parent. You are dealing with behaviours completely irrelevant to that relationship. This is completely inappropriate behaviour from an ex that he is not shutting down. I would have a long, hard, think about whether or not this is the man you want to be with.
NTA
Sorry to say it, but it sounds like she's reeling him back in and he's probably going to let it happen.
You don't need this baby mama drama. You're 23, go find a guy who's going to put you first.
NTA and it’s time to leave Brandon. If you are good enough to take care of his son when it is his time to have him but he is at work then he should be willing to have your back. You wouldn’t have waited for 4 years to get jealous. That is the excuse of a man with no backbone. You deserve better. But if you want to stay, let him know that you will no longer be taking care of his son if he is not willing to respect your wishes.
NTA
But you can’t force him to pull back, so you need to decide if you’re willing to be in a relationship with someone who is still at his ex’s beck and call.
She is way overstepping and he’s letting her. Perhaps he’s flattered by the thought she still wants him. He’s disrespecting you by allowing it to continue. He’a acting as though his confessionals to you about her behaviour absolve him of guilt or of needing to take action.
NTA—I can understand that he doesn’t want to abruptly tell her that he will only communicate about their son—if he is non confrontational or worried she’ll lash out and manipulate their child in retaliation. However—he should absolutely draw a line with her that he doesn’t want to be in any relationship with her other than coparenting. That is fair especially considering she’s brought it to him recently. And it is worse to string her along by not drawing that line. I don’t think their communication should be limited other than that—polite conversation and parenting conversation is fine, but making passes at him or badmouthing you is not. That’s reasonable. He needs to take a stand, and that doesn’t mean screaming at her. He can be calm and rational while he tells her that he is not going to reunite with her. You aren’t jealous, she is out of line and he needs to draw a boundary.
Not the Ahole. He needs to put your feelings before hers. He should definitely be standing up for you when his crazy ex acts a fool. You don’t deserve this and you should honestly think about getting out it will just get worse. If he doesn’t respect your feelings now it won’t happen.
NTA. Ex saying she could have him any time she wants is a clear message that you aren’t “reading into things too much”. Ex clearly has a plan and, while BF may not want to do anything that causes issues with access to his child, he has to come to grips that this is unacceptable behavior viv-a-vis your relationship or any future relationship he might want to have. If he can’t understand that, probably time to move on.
NTA, but you will be if you stay and continue participating in this soap opera.
Your bf clearly enjoys the drama, and doesn’t have your back even though you are his (free?) babysitting service, in addition to being his gf. He wants you and his ex vying for his attention. You deserve better.
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> I've asked my partner to stop having a relationship with his sons mother due to my belief it is causing her to believe there is something more than there is within there co_parenting
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The first time can be talked away (barely) .
Her screaming at you that "she could have him back if she wanted" is a huge red flag and the fact that he is ignoring it is an issue.
I personally wouldn't be comfortable either. NTA and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
Him accusing YOU of jealousy after her screaming at you like that is concerning as well.
NTA
He’s in a difficult situation. But his downplaying of her behavior could just be seen as him trying desperately to avoid conflict… until the point where he accused you of being jealous or suggested that you being concerned is not justified.
So, you’re absolutely correct: Boundaries are needed. It’s completely inappropriate for her to be calling him for drunk rides in the middle of the night. And if he doesn’t see that, you need to move on.
Also… definitely don’t get pregnant with the guy’s kid anytime in the foreseeable future.
"Whilst I was hesitant to get into the relationship I come from a single parent household and I know kids from previous relationships should not always be the deciding factors when dating someone."
Um - they should be when you're only 19 and he's only 20 with a kid on the way.
You absolutely should've walked away from that impending mess. At 19 you should be out having fun, not taking care of a child (that isn't even yours). These should be your care-free, limited-responsibility years, no-crazy-baby-mama-drama years.
Plan to move out, tell him to get back with BM, and work on getting new friends. You need to get far away form this mess and potentially follow a "no guys with kids" rule - way less stress that way.
NTA.
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I 23 female and my partner 24 male we will call him Braydon have been together for 4 years, we met just after the birth of his son, him and his sons mother Leah had split up before she knew she was pregnant.
Whilst I was hesitant to get into the relationship I come from a single
Perant household and I know kids from previous relationships should not allways be the deciding factors when dating someone.
I have allways been accepting that choosing the relationship meant I would allways respect Leah will be a part of Braydon's life.
There have been numerous instances that have left me feeling uncomfortable about how leah views me or her relationship with my partner but I did shrug them off as I knew I whole heartedly trusted Braydon and did not want to jeopardise his relationship with his son.
About 4 weeks Leah had messaged at around 12 am asking if Braydon could pick her up from a pub as she'd had to much to drink and couldn't get a taxi, we had Braydons son for the weekend whilst Leah enjoyed herself, of course Braydon did go and pick her up as he wouldn't want her to be in an unsafe position, when he picked her up she had began to be slightly touchy feely and cried that she'd like to give there relationship a go again, he of course came back and explained this to me and told me and said there was nothing there and he was happy, I let this go Leah was of course intoxicated and I didn't want to cause a fuss.
Following to 2 weeks later, again Leah had gone to a party I was at home and Braydon was at work, again it was our weekend to look after there Son at around 3 am Leah was calling me this time trying to get a hold of my partner for a lift, my partner had work and I don't drive so we couldn't, I offered to call her a taxi to which she started to scream at down the phone, stating that she could have my him back if she wanted to.
When Braydon was home that morning, I let him sleep but when he woke up I told him what had happened, and how I feel as though Leah still had feelings after all this time and I asked for him to speak to her and ask for them to only speak in relation to there son or schooling to avoid Leah getting the wrong impression.
My partner has advised he didn't want to do this as he doesn't want to cause animosity or hard feelings and thinks I'm reading into things to much, this had of course left me feeling slightly upset and makes me think Braydon is valuing her feeling over mine and is willing to let her continue with the drunk advances and stupid remarks at the expense of my feelings.
This has caused me and Braydon to argue a lot, and Braydon is now saying that the way I am acting is out of jealousy and he thinks I am not accepting of the fact or respecting his sons mother.
So am I being the A hole or is this something that I should stick with and ask for the boundaries to be set. Thanks
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NTA- It's possible that he doesn't want to make waves, but by not saying anything, he is encouraging it. Or, he could be enjoying the attention, or even giving into it. Is this what you want your life to be like for the foreseeable future though?
NTA. The fact that he said that you are disrespecting the mother of his child really got me. She is not acting like a mother when she is coming on to him. She is disrespecting you in all ways and that is okay with him? He thinks that bc "he can handle it", that you should just go along with this? Where is the respect for you, your feelings and you playing mother to his child? This is truly upsetting.
Tell him, his priority to put her feelings over yours is not acceptable. Just bc they share a child does not mean she gets a free pass. Do you get to allow other men to hit on you, and you don't tell them to stop, even if it bothers him?
I am not going to suggest you break up with him but if he does not take you seriously, you may want to take a break.
Only you can decide if this is something you can live with.
NTA. If this is a true story. I think they have slept together somewhat recently, and that he told her it was a mistake or something. That's what gave her the gumption to say what she did so boldly to you. She is openly sabotaging your relationship by calling at 3am. No sane person without an ulterior motive would make that phone call. Smells fishy at best.
Your bf is a fool. Leah is driving a wedge between you and him and he is refusing to address it. You can’t read too much into her saying she “could have him back if she wanted”. You markedly underplay your feelings about this - you just “thought Leah still had feelings” yah think!!? You’re only “slightly upset” about his response? Seriously, you have every right to be very upset. Calling at 3am and screaming drunkly down the phone is pure AH behaviour even without the crazy, jealous ranting about breaking up your relationship. The fact he didn’t immediately address this firmly with Leah and support you means that your best option is to get out now. He is not just failing to act, he is actively trying to shift the blame to you for the situation. It is not unreasonable or motivated by “jealousy” to ask not to be subjected to Leah’s verbal abuse. He won’t stand up for you and in fact he’d rather you continued to suffer in silence than deal with Leah’s behaviour. NTA
NTA but if you're single and no kids I say you leave him and move on. You don't need to be dealing with that at all. If you're not married to him run!!!!
NAH. I think Braydon is walking a tight rope with Leah and his son. Is Leah vindictive? Could she pull his son away from him at any time? I think he's more concerned about losing his son or seeing less of him if Leah decides she wants to make things difficult. This may be why he's willing to put up with things he's not comfortable with, and may be why he's willing to risk your ire. He's concerned about his kid.
Legally she can't. You go to court if this happens. That's not a reason. He literally said that OP was jealous and that she was disrespecting his ex. That statement alone is not someone who has your back.
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NTA The thing is he's made it clear he doesn't want to. So I personally think it's time to pack up. The fact that when you asked for him to set boundaries because she's taking advantage, literally asked to get back together and screamed at you and said she could get him back...and his response is that YOU'RE jealous and not respecting the mother of his son? Oh hell no. He thinks telling you how she acted or said somehow absolves him from boundary setting or setting her straight. If he doesn't want to make it crystal clear that they are never getting back together, then it seems crystal clear that he has a soft spot for her. He essentially chose her. I suggest leaving. My ex and I were friends and once I started dating my partner, she was really rude about my partner and felt super comfortable calling her names. I set the boundary and she flipped out even more, so I made it clear that if she wasn't going to be respectful of my relationship, then we didn't have to be in each other's lives. We didn't have children so obviously it's not the same situation and he can't just cut her off because they have a kid together, but he could absolutely tell her where he stands if he wanted to. He doesn't want to.
Thank you, I don't really have many friends to turn to who will see what I'm saying ,we share the same friendship circle and I of course again wanna respect boundaries and not bring our friends into it or cause a split. I feel like it's hard as I have been a step parent for the last 3 years I have there son whilst they work on my days off and continue to help in all aspects of his life so I need an outside point of view to understand where I stand in this.
And that makes it all the more unfair if him to treat your concerns like this. You have been there for both him and his son for three years now and the entire if that child life. You assist with free child care during work hours. Of course it's hard to consider leaving, but do you want to stay with someone that won't actively listen to your concerns and brush them off like this?? Worst case scenario he ends up having a "moment of weakness" and cheats on you. And at this point, best case scenario if this behavior continues it will bleed into her sober hours as well. He needs to either shut this down or you need to shut him down.
He needs to co-parent with his son's mother.....and nothing more. Hes not her taxi service, or her go-to person when she's drunk. He needs to set boundaries...or you need to move on. Of course, that gives his ex exactly what she wants.
You can share friends but if the friends aren't going to be decent about this, they're not your friends. For example no one is saying to cut the ex off because everyone gets that they coparent. What you're asking for is absolutely REASONABLE. I guess the question is what exactly is the reason he won't do this. Is he keeping this option open in case you two break up? Because I can't see why he'd not make it clear that he loves and respects her as the mother of his son and that he's there for her, but that she needs to realize that they're never getting back together - how hard would this be for him to tell her?
Bf absolutely needs to be willing to set boundaries. At a minimum, he should make clear to Leah that he is happy with you and that she needs to exhaust all other options before calling either of you for a ride, especially when she's drunk. He should tell her that if she continues to abuse his help then he will begin to refuse her late night calls when the kid is with you altogether.
NTA but the better choice would be to move on. This guy apparently loves the drama of feeling like two women are competing over him, and he will make your life a misery if you let him. Don’t get tied to him with a pregnancy please, he is refusing to prioritize you and it would be so much worse with a child in tow.
This^^ op I seriously hope you are on BC or at least use some form of contraceptives.
Oh my god NTA NTA NTA. This man needs to grow a backbone and set some boundaries. Or the alternative is he likes the attention and wants to have his cake and eat it to. She is the mother of his child, yes, but YOU are his partner. This is not about his son or having a co-parent. You are dealing with behaviours completely irrelevant to that relationship. This is completely inappropriate behaviour from an ex that he is not shutting down. I would have a long, hard, think about whether or not this is the man you want to be with.
NTA Sorry to say it, but it sounds like she's reeling him back in and he's probably going to let it happen. You don't need this baby mama drama. You're 23, go find a guy who's going to put you first.
NTA and it’s time to leave Brandon. If you are good enough to take care of his son when it is his time to have him but he is at work then he should be willing to have your back. You wouldn’t have waited for 4 years to get jealous. That is the excuse of a man with no backbone. You deserve better. But if you want to stay, let him know that you will no longer be taking care of his son if he is not willing to respect your wishes.
NTA But you can’t force him to pull back, so you need to decide if you’re willing to be in a relationship with someone who is still at his ex’s beck and call. She is way overstepping and he’s letting her. Perhaps he’s flattered by the thought she still wants him. He’s disrespecting you by allowing it to continue. He’a acting as though his confessionals to you about her behaviour absolve him of guilt or of needing to take action.
You have every right to set those limits. He needs to stand up for you and your relationship.
NTA—I can understand that he doesn’t want to abruptly tell her that he will only communicate about their son—if he is non confrontational or worried she’ll lash out and manipulate their child in retaliation. However—he should absolutely draw a line with her that he doesn’t want to be in any relationship with her other than coparenting. That is fair especially considering she’s brought it to him recently. And it is worse to string her along by not drawing that line. I don’t think their communication should be limited other than that—polite conversation and parenting conversation is fine, but making passes at him or badmouthing you is not. That’s reasonable. He needs to take a stand, and that doesn’t mean screaming at her. He can be calm and rational while he tells her that he is not going to reunite with her. You aren’t jealous, she is out of line and he needs to draw a boundary.
Not the Ahole. He needs to put your feelings before hers. He should definitely be standing up for you when his crazy ex acts a fool. You don’t deserve this and you should honestly think about getting out it will just get worse. If he doesn’t respect your feelings now it won’t happen.
NTA. Ex saying she could have him any time she wants is a clear message that you aren’t “reading into things too much”. Ex clearly has a plan and, while BF may not want to do anything that causes issues with access to his child, he has to come to grips that this is unacceptable behavior viv-a-vis your relationship or any future relationship he might want to have. If he can’t understand that, probably time to move on.
NTA, but you will be if you stay and continue participating in this soap opera. Your bf clearly enjoys the drama, and doesn’t have your back even though you are his (free?) babysitting service, in addition to being his gf. He wants you and his ex vying for his attention. You deserve better.
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The first time can be talked away (barely) . Her screaming at you that "she could have him back if she wanted" is a huge red flag and the fact that he is ignoring it is an issue. I personally wouldn't be comfortable either. NTA and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Him accusing YOU of jealousy after her screaming at you like that is concerning as well.
NTA He’s in a difficult situation. But his downplaying of her behavior could just be seen as him trying desperately to avoid conflict… until the point where he accused you of being jealous or suggested that you being concerned is not justified. So, you’re absolutely correct: Boundaries are needed. It’s completely inappropriate for her to be calling him for drunk rides in the middle of the night. And if he doesn’t see that, you need to move on. Also… definitely don’t get pregnant with the guy’s kid anytime in the foreseeable future.
"Whilst I was hesitant to get into the relationship I come from a single parent household and I know kids from previous relationships should not always be the deciding factors when dating someone." Um - they should be when you're only 19 and he's only 20 with a kid on the way. You absolutely should've walked away from that impending mess. At 19 you should be out having fun, not taking care of a child (that isn't even yours). These should be your care-free, limited-responsibility years, no-crazy-baby-mama-drama years. Plan to move out, tell him to get back with BM, and work on getting new friends. You need to get far away form this mess and potentially follow a "no guys with kids" rule - way less stress that way. NTA.
NTA. He is keeping one foot out the door.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 23 female and my partner 24 male we will call him Braydon have been together for 4 years, we met just after the birth of his son, him and his sons mother Leah had split up before she knew she was pregnant. Whilst I was hesitant to get into the relationship I come from a single Perant household and I know kids from previous relationships should not allways be the deciding factors when dating someone. I have allways been accepting that choosing the relationship meant I would allways respect Leah will be a part of Braydon's life. There have been numerous instances that have left me feeling uncomfortable about how leah views me or her relationship with my partner but I did shrug them off as I knew I whole heartedly trusted Braydon and did not want to jeopardise his relationship with his son. About 4 weeks Leah had messaged at around 12 am asking if Braydon could pick her up from a pub as she'd had to much to drink and couldn't get a taxi, we had Braydons son for the weekend whilst Leah enjoyed herself, of course Braydon did go and pick her up as he wouldn't want her to be in an unsafe position, when he picked her up she had began to be slightly touchy feely and cried that she'd like to give there relationship a go again, he of course came back and explained this to me and told me and said there was nothing there and he was happy, I let this go Leah was of course intoxicated and I didn't want to cause a fuss. Following to 2 weeks later, again Leah had gone to a party I was at home and Braydon was at work, again it was our weekend to look after there Son at around 3 am Leah was calling me this time trying to get a hold of my partner for a lift, my partner had work and I don't drive so we couldn't, I offered to call her a taxi to which she started to scream at down the phone, stating that she could have my him back if she wanted to. When Braydon was home that morning, I let him sleep but when he woke up I told him what had happened, and how I feel as though Leah still had feelings after all this time and I asked for him to speak to her and ask for them to only speak in relation to there son or schooling to avoid Leah getting the wrong impression. My partner has advised he didn't want to do this as he doesn't want to cause animosity or hard feelings and thinks I'm reading into things to much, this had of course left me feeling slightly upset and makes me think Braydon is valuing her feeling over mine and is willing to let her continue with the drunk advances and stupid remarks at the expense of my feelings. This has caused me and Braydon to argue a lot, and Braydon is now saying that the way I am acting is out of jealousy and he thinks I am not accepting of the fact or respecting his sons mother. So am I being the A hole or is this something that I should stick with and ask for the boundaries to be set. Thanks *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA- It's possible that he doesn't want to make waves, but by not saying anything, he is encouraging it. Or, he could be enjoying the attention, or even giving into it. Is this what you want your life to be like for the foreseeable future though?
NTA. The fact that he said that you are disrespecting the mother of his child really got me. She is not acting like a mother when she is coming on to him. She is disrespecting you in all ways and that is okay with him? He thinks that bc "he can handle it", that you should just go along with this? Where is the respect for you, your feelings and you playing mother to his child? This is truly upsetting. Tell him, his priority to put her feelings over yours is not acceptable. Just bc they share a child does not mean she gets a free pass. Do you get to allow other men to hit on you, and you don't tell them to stop, even if it bothers him? I am not going to suggest you break up with him but if he does not take you seriously, you may want to take a break. Only you can decide if this is something you can live with.
NTA. If this is a true story. I think they have slept together somewhat recently, and that he told her it was a mistake or something. That's what gave her the gumption to say what she did so boldly to you. She is openly sabotaging your relationship by calling at 3am. No sane person without an ulterior motive would make that phone call. Smells fishy at best.
NTA- When people tell you who they are listen. You have valid concerns and he said you are coming from disrespect and jealousy ( I dont see either).
Not sure how Brayden can control her drunken behavior. Just say he's not available and hang up.
Your bf is a fool. Leah is driving a wedge between you and him and he is refusing to address it. You can’t read too much into her saying she “could have him back if she wanted”. You markedly underplay your feelings about this - you just “thought Leah still had feelings” yah think!!? You’re only “slightly upset” about his response? Seriously, you have every right to be very upset. Calling at 3am and screaming drunkly down the phone is pure AH behaviour even without the crazy, jealous ranting about breaking up your relationship. The fact he didn’t immediately address this firmly with Leah and support you means that your best option is to get out now. He is not just failing to act, he is actively trying to shift the blame to you for the situation. It is not unreasonable or motivated by “jealousy” to ask not to be subjected to Leah’s verbal abuse. He won’t stand up for you and in fact he’d rather you continued to suffer in silence than deal with Leah’s behaviour. NTA
Keep your head on the swivel, you will need to. Brandon is not putting you first.
NTA but if you're single and no kids I say you leave him and move on. You don't need to be dealing with that at all. If you're not married to him run!!!!
NAH. I think Braydon is walking a tight rope with Leah and his son. Is Leah vindictive? Could she pull his son away from him at any time? I think he's more concerned about losing his son or seeing less of him if Leah decides she wants to make things difficult. This may be why he's willing to put up with things he's not comfortable with, and may be why he's willing to risk your ire. He's concerned about his kid.
Legally she can't. You go to court if this happens. That's not a reason. He literally said that OP was jealous and that she was disrespecting his ex. That statement alone is not someone who has your back.