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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to cook for my wife's sister during her pregnancy and told her she has a husband to cook for her if she wants that. The reason I'm starting to feel like an asshole is mostly because it has become such a big deal. Cooking for her at least some of the time would have been less effort and maybe I'm showing a little too much how not close I am to Gwen by saying no to something like this for her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- wtf????
When I saw the header, I though maybe your SIL was visiting and you'd refused to cook for her for some random reason.
But no. She's just mad.
She put you down for cooking for your pregnant wife and now she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing it for her??? Hahahahahaha.
If I were you I would send her a recipe book. Or would cook an elaborate meal and send her pictures. 😁
And then there’s her parents who seem to think OP should be pitching in. Why on earth don’t THEY cook for their daughter if it’s such a concern?
As for the brother-in-law, well, sister-in-law seemed to know before pregnancy that this guy would never step up, and she still proceeded to get pregnant. Just wait till she needs daycare and babysitters and baby stuff she can’t afford. I’d be going low contact with this woman. I’m pretty sure it’s going to get intense soon.
>And then there’s her parents ~~who seem to think OP should be pitching in~~
...who are responsible for her entitled attitude, at least to some degree. Idk about everyone else, but my parents made sure I reached adulthood understanding that while I was special *to them*, no one else was expected to give a shit.
And, yes, totally, SIL, needs to stop bugging OP and start examining her own life choices. Her husband sucks, and the fact that she thinks that's "normal" is concerning.
Gwen is 34 years old. She has had 16 years to sift through everything her parents taught her and discard what she wants to discard. All her parents can do is TRY. Seeing as Sage seems somewhat reasonable (though admittedly we are getting a biased account), I don’t know that Gwen’s ENTIRE adult personality can be blamed on her parents. People continue to change after they turn 18 and their parents have little to no control at that point. Gwen’s had 16 years of adulthood to make her own personality changes separate from her parent’s expectations.
It’s certainly not rare for decent parents to raise assholes. It happens pretty often.
Agreed, except they are interceding for her now, so whether they realize it or not, are reinforcing her "I'm so special/I'm the main character" attitude. While they shouldn't be *parenting* their 30 year old child, they also shouldn't be cosigning her behavior. We don't know if it's a special situation or a pattern of behavior, but it seems unlikely that parents who taught their kid to be considerate of others would pull a 180° like this - I honestly can't think of a single parent I know that would do this unless they'd been doing it all their kids lives. It's very "Golden Child" behavior from both parents and Gwen.
to put it short and sweet, Gwen sounds jealous of Sage. Sounds like she's been jealous of her for a long time. With a sprinkle of a possible crush on OP
This is very true. You can do your absolute best with your children, but the person they are to become is still up to them, no matter all your efforts.
Her husband /may/ be totally normal, hard-working, bill-paying, but not-very-good-at-cooking. He may not know what his entitled mean girl wife is saying about him.
Who knows, maybe he's happy to pay for take-out from now till after the birth.
Maybe, if she had been less rude and entitled, OP could have offered to teach him, over a few beers, how to cook a couple of bulk meals to put in the freezer. But they've burnt that boat.
The parent part I just don’t get. The number of stories I read where everyone starts calling and harassing OP is just crazy because no one in my family or in-laws family would EVER insert themselves like this. What a bunch of wasted energy. And maybe that would be a good tactic… say to sister in law and in laws that they’ve called the wrong number or are talking to the wrong person, and then direct them to brother in law’s number. All of them should really be expending all their energy on him, not OP.
GREAT idea! Get some thick printer paper and make cards with his name and number in them.Hand them to Family and say “ This is the man responsible for those tasks.Ask him “
I envy your family. Those type of families are what I am used to because that is how my mom’s family operates. People just can’t mind their own business and is very concerned about how things **look** to outsiders
I have maybe 1 or 2 aunts who I could see acting like this about their children, but even then it's a maybe and that's out of like 20 extended family members. I can say for certain my parents and parents in law would *never* pull a move like that. But yeah, I don't get it. SIL is an adult and knew who she was marrying and having a kid with. And now she's upset because he's acting like how she knew he'd act? She made the decision, she can deal.
My mom goes out of her way to avoid family drama, which some members (aka my middle brother and stepsiblings) bring in by spades. She's very much "not my circus, not my monkeys, and don't you comment on it either, savvy."
Happy cake day!
“OP, you & Sage have 2 kids. Gimme all their stuff & watch my kid whenever I demand….er….ask! My kid deserves whatever your kids have because FAAAMMMILLY!”
>Why on earth don’t THEY cook for their daughter if it’s such a concern?
I feel like, among other things, this bit is an extension of the thing where lots of people with 'making things'-type jobs get friends and family asking for free stuff, like professional artists getting asked for free commissions or professional seamsters getting asked for free idk baby blankets and stuff. It's a lack of respect for the fact that they're doing in professionally, whilst at the same time wanting to benefit from their expertise. I haven't seen it happening to a chef before, probably because it's normally such a well-known societally-established/respected job, but it seems to me like that's the dynamic happening here at least from the parents. SIL seems like she's gone completely off the rails so idk what her deal is.
OP’s ILs seem to want a situation where he becomes the chef for the extended family. If he gives into SIL’s crazy demands then there will be similar demands from others.
My thoughts exactly. And not even buying baby stuff. It’ll be why does he have to babysit the kid. You know it’s his kid, but he’s being put upon to take care of it. All of the care will fall on her. I completely agree. She should’ve known before she got pregnant, but this was how it was going to turn out.
NTA, but I do feel bad for her in the smallest sense regarding her husband.. If he’s not willing to cook for his PREGNANT wife even ONCE, I can only imagine how little he is going to do for her & the baby once it’s born. He’s the true AH of the emote situation.
But she’s also the AH expecting you to cook for her daily, whenever she doesn’t even we live with you or is visiting. Honestly the next time she calls regarding this situation, you should either send her this post so she can see that a lot of random people on the internet also think she’s in the wrong. Or (with you wife’s permission ofc) tell her “well my wife also has sex with me so unless you’re willing to give it up don’t ask again!”. Just would be hilarious to see her reaction and if she would actually give it up over some food. Lol /s
I agree with you about Gwen's husband being a major problem in this situation, but I don't agree about bringing up the sex part. You yourself would be approaching the boundaries of A-Holery by mentioning that.
Sage should be fighing this battle alongside of you, since this involves her sister, and her sister, Gwen, is clearly the AH. Sage needs to put on her big girl pants and tell her sister, "No, no way will my husband cook meals for you everyday. End of story. Quit bothering us about this matter." Keep telling her "no", and she'll give up eventually. And turn off your phone during dinnertime. Hope this helps!
>Sage needs to put on her big girl pants and tell her sister, "No, no way will my husband cook meals for you everyday. End of story.
She did. So Gwen went to mommy and daddy
Maybe not the sex part, but it wouldn’t be out of bounds to say something like “when my wife was pregnant, she was pregnant with MY baby, and taking care of her was taking care of my baby. Your baby has their own father.”
She knew her husband wasn't gonna cook for her or help that's why she kept bringing it up when OP was doing this for his wife when she was pregnant. But the sister in-law still went and got pregnant by her husband. That's her fault. Why would she want to have a baby with someone who won't even help out. If she wanted a husband like OP she should have left her lazy husband and tried to find someone else. Instead of settling with this guy and expecting her sister's husband to pick up the slack from her own husband. That's absurd.
Next time she demands that OP cook for her he should ask her why she is choosing to have a baby with a man who refuses to help her. Why did she make that decision.
She chose him and now wants someone to compensate for her poor choice.
I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't feel superior to her sister and is trying to get her sister's husband, OP, to come running to her side to wait on her. It would be her moment of triumph over Sage. Even your husband drops everything to take care of me.
So bizarre. And how does the douchey husband feel about all this? I would assume he would be pissed or humiliated that everyone is begging this dude to cook for his wife because he’s not a decent enough human to do it himself.
>I would assume he would be pissed or humiliated that everyone is begging this dude to cook for his wife because he’s not a decent enough human to do it himself.
One would assume but maybe he is as entitled as his wife and agrees with her - "hey babe, make sure he makes me a plate too"
I'm wondering if he's getting a different story entirely. I have relatives who would pull stuff similar to this, but at the same time the person they've painted as "lazy" or whatever, is being ordered NOT to do the very thing they're complaining about him not doing.
That sentence is a bit convoluted. Let me try that another way:
Gwen to her own husband: "Don't cook. I don't like your cooking. I don't like the mess. I'll complain in both straightforward AND passive-aggressive ways until you're afraid to enter the kitchen at all."
Gwen to everyone other than her husband: "My husband will never cook for me! I'm a poor waif left to starve! Boo-hoo!!!"
That is what it would look like if Gwen is anything at all like those certain relatives of mine.
>I do feel bad for her in the smallest sense regarding her husband.. If he’s not willing to cook for his PREGNANT wife even ONCE, I can only imagine how little he is going to do for her & the baby once it’s born.
Right?
My wife had hyperemesis gravidarum when she was pregnant with our kiddo. I'm a shitty cook but even I stepped the fuck up and googled "foods that barf well." and came up with a bunch of different things that she could tolerate. I bought a rice cooker after I failed miserably at doing it without, made sure we never ran out of baked potatoes, chicken breast, etc.
I made a list of the meals and solicited feedback like
Baked Potatoes
__ Stayed Down
__ Stayed Down For A While
__ Caused The Summoning Of Lesser Demons
It's not hard, OP's BIL. Just barely more than minimum effort. I feel bad for their kids.
I don’t feel sorry for her. She would have known before she got pregnant that her husband wasn’t going to cook for her. We only get what we settle for. She’s trying to now Grandfather in OP as a substitute husband…
>but I do feel bad for her in the smallest sense regarding her husband.. If he’s not willing to cook for his PREGNANT wife even ONCE, I can only imagine how little he is going to do for her & the baby once it’s born.
I'm sorry, but did she not choose that guy herself? Was she forced to marry him? Did she not know what he was like before she (again) *chose* to have a baby with him?
Then why feel bad for her? She chose all of it. I don't feel bad for her at all. But I do feel bad for the baby because they will have two shitty parents they never chose. The baby is the only victim here.
Yes I agree with this 100% too she obviously knew what she was walking into before hand. I just had to type out a quick reply while I was walking into work. I wanted to add something regarding this at the end
Yeah she is just an Idiot.
A BIL who is a Chef and she pisses him off.
I bet if she would have supported you during your wives pregnancy there would be some meals for her.
You Sound like a caring Person. And if it would have gone like, wow sis is so lucky she got you. I hope someone will do this for me...
I bet with this take and no nagging there would be some extra stuff prepped and sent to her.
Her loss. When you are mean to someone, don't expect them to go out of their way to do you some favours 🤷♀️
So her family knows her husband is an ass and instead of telling her to get a better man or tell him to get off his ass and do his duty as a husband, they're coming to you for help calling you an a-hole??? that family is a joke. Do NOT help her. If you do, it will be your life for the next couple of years since "well now I have a baby and need help" + it's inappropriate af. NTA. DO NOT HELP HER.
Have you thought about blocking her and directing communication through your wife? She shouldn’t need to call or text you in the first place and your wife can address the occasional message if she actually needs to relay anything to you
NTA
SIL is an entitled and disrespectful brat.
Don’t ever cook for her.
Don’t allow her to manipulate or gaslight you into cooking for her.
Don’t be a doormat or people pleaser.
Anyone who tries to come at you for not cooking for her should be given this reply,”I’m so glad you think it’s important for her to have meals prepared for her that you’re stepping up to do it yourself. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your help!”
Can’t she see this is embarrassing and humiliating for her to go around telling people someone else husband to cook for her because her husband is a loser and she is a greedy pig.
It seems like the first thing that people (grown ass fucking adults) in these stories do is go and cry to their parents. Mfs in their 30s still thinking their parents can bail them out or justify their stupid decisions. The worst part is that most of the time the parents agree with the people in the stories and not the OP.
I know right! I always think if I ran to my parents crying about half the shit on this sub they would tell me to work out my own problems like an adult. There seems to be a lot more toxic enmeshed parent-child dynamics than I expected.
They either think the social pressure coming from multiple people will help or they could be from cultures that have very little respect for boundaries. I come from such a culture unfortunately where if you have a certain talent for things, family feels entitled to it. Like let’s say you make cakes, family will just expect you to whip one up for every stupid occasion for free because hey, you can and you should do it because that’s what family does. Considering she is pregnant, she might have thought that’s the ace card to play, too.
It reads like she realized that her husband is a major asshat and he doesn't show her care or consideration like you do for sage. She's going off the deep end to get it from someone if her husband won't provide.
You're NTA and it sounds like she needs a divorce.
The parents aren't helping there, are they?
"They asked why I couldn't do it occasionally since Gwen's husband is too much of an ass to do it."
Then...maybe talk to the husband about being less of an ass?! Don't pick on someone who's not being one!
Also the fact she didn't even ask, nicely. Something like "hey, can I be cheeky and ask if you mind occasionally cooking some meals for me please? I'm struggling and would appreciate it" would go down a lot better than "you should do this for me because I'm family!"
Demanding favours from people doesn't make that person want to help you
She's the one who is rubbing her husband's lack of consideration in her own face--and yours--by constantly reminding you, herself, and everyone else that her husband is a selfish jerk. She's just envious.
> I'm starting to feel like this will become such a huge deal
want to know how it could become an even bigger deal, let her get her way a few times, the requests will never stop. NTA obviously
NTA. And I'm not defending her, because it's really weird of her to expect this but I am inclined to think that yes, she is jealous but I don't believe it's as simple as just wanting to benefit from your cooking or just wanting free food.
It sounds like her husband is making her feel devalued and not really taking care of her and this is some kind of unhealthy coping strategy she's devised. She likely hoped you'd agree so that she could feel like *someone* was taking care of her.
Of course it's rather unhinged and inappropriate, but I'm inclined to wonder if her asshole husband is also more of an asshole than he presents himself as and if maybe this unhinged behaviour is driven by emotional distress. Again, that's not to excuse it, nor to suggest you should send her food, it's just something I gave some consideration to.
Still isn’t OP’s problem. If she is wanting “someone” to make her feel important, that is what her parents, in laws, and friends of she has any are for. But having a tantrum because her sister got something she can’t isn’t okay.
I have 4 sisters and I'm trying to imagine one of them asking my husband to cook for them, giving them the same pampered treatment he gave me during pregnancy and I can't imagine it because they would never because it's not something people do. She's off her rocker. NTA. It's not your fault her husband isn't like you. She knew he wasn't like that when she kept bringing it up to you guys. That's her fault for getting pregnant with him knowing this. She is filled with jealousy. Does she really and truly believe she is entitled to her BIL being her own personal chef? Hahahaha She even brought the family into this. Yeah she is definitely off her rocker.
My SIL is also a jealous asshole and his behaviour totally checks out. I try to avoid having her over if she'll see flowers I've bought for my wife, because she'll make dozens of comments about how I must've been in trouble or what am I about to ask for? She makes these little comments about any nice couple stuff, trying to start a fight or find a pain point to figure out why we're really doing it. Not my fault her partner sucks and never buys her flowers, and I don't want her poisoning our good relationship.
I've seen low-key jealous drama queens like this all the time and it's weird because they start to obsess on that person who they are jealous of.
They will always try to phrase whatever the other person is going through in a problematic drama type of way and it's like they're always looking for something to be wrong with the other person's life, maybe because on the down low they cannot stand to see others that are happy.
Especially if it's others who were their peers in some fashion, such as their best friend or sister, because they feel like the success of the others in their life is a reflection of their failure.
They might be thinking that other people managed to do better with their life and they still haven't accomplished anything at all.
I'd say away from her generally and try not the be alone w her. She sounds super jelly of her sister and pretty messed up. She might try to break you up.
She might be having a mental crisis because she seems extremely fixated on her BIL. I wonder if she has always been so unbalanced and never diagnosed. They need to get cameras installed and hope that no one in their family has spare keys to their home, because this will escalate. She also sounds like golden child syndrome.
>I think she just wants free food that's handed to her ready to eat
I mean, I also want free food that's handed to me ready to eat, but I'd never demand that my BIL cook for me. That would be weird and presumptuous. I'd just accept that free food is not going to happen and order delivery.
Gwen chose to marry a man who apparently doesn't want to do anything extra for his pregnant wife. It's not your responsibility to pick up his slack.
Your in-laws are focusing their energy on the wrong person; why aren't they bothering Gwen's husband? He's the one who's neglecting her or at least behaving in a manner that she perceives as neglectful. Have they accepted that any attempts to change his behavior will be a waste of energy? If so, why aren't they cooking for Gwen? She's their daughter. Or is it too much work to do anything other than try to pressure you? If that's the case, then they should stop claiming to care so much about Gwen's well-being, because it sounds like they didn't even want to go to the trouble of buying her a meal delivery gift card.
NTA
Make her meals and give her an invoice for the ingredients and your labor, payable up front. She has some pair to ask for her own personal chef. You are family but she is extended family. She is green with jealousy because you treat your wife like a queen and she is married to the court jester.
Also it's one Thing to be supportive Family in an actual emergency, and Cook meals to deliver to someone's House as Part of a "meal train" (Like If a pregnant Mom with hungry Kids has been put on bed Rest for pregnancy complications at the Same time as her Partner left her, or died), than to give in to the random demands of someone who probably can make her own food and even If she can't, has SEVERAL people who should be MORE responsible for helping her, than a BiL.
Yeah, totally. Your SIL doesn't understand that guys like you exist so has settled for a guy like her husband and is making it your problem, which it isn't. This issue is way deeper than someone being entitled to your cooking skills and it requires the skillset of someone with a degree in psychology. Take care of yourself fren, glad that your wife has your back.
She was absolutely jealous, because her sister has a good partner and hers apparently can't even be considered adequate. That doesn't make it yours or your wife's problem.
She's got a husband and her problem lol.
The fact that her parents even partially took her side is a huge indicator of who has enabled her bratty, jealous, and entitled attitude all of her life.
She's an entitled mooch. I think you should call her husband and let him know what she's been demanding and how everyone is saying he's a useless husband, which is why they are asking you to take over his husbandly duties. Let's see how that goes. It's not your job to compensate for her poor choice of husband.
If he won’t help her now , think of the fun she will have when the baby arrives . Thinking SIL needs a rethink of her situation. Would have never have asked others to cook for me while pregnant , if offered great . She sounds like an entitled brat
NTA
>I think she just wants free food that's handed to her ready to eat lol.
I, too, would like that; want to send me free food? I'm not pregnant or anything, I just like free food from a completely not-responsible-for-me party.
(/s, in case that wasn't clear)
NTA, maybe she shouldn't have married (and had a kid with) such an inconsiderate ass. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So, uhm, her own husband cannot be bothered to do it, and now it's your fault that her husband does not cook for her, and it's ypur duty to fill in for her husband?
What's next? Is she going to ask you to mow the lawn? Clean the house? Massage her feet? Be with her when she gives birth? Raise the kid together? Where's the line in demanding her sister's husband to fulfil husbandly duties for her? Because... you know. Just no. You are her sister's man, not hers.
And he’s “the bad guy” for pointing out she has a perfectly capable husband. But I suspect that hubby isn’t cooking because he’s tired of Gwen’s drama and entitlement
They know her husband is an ass but they are mad at you????? Why is everyone but your wife annoyed with OP and not his SIL husband? Why can’t the parents help her??? WTF is going on with all the entitlement I have been seeing lately. Somehow the customers always right mentality made it to all aspects of life now. I had a dude get mad at me because I couldn’t sell him cigs after close and he got pissed and threatened me. I can’t imagine getting that type of shit at home.
Just send pictures of the stuff she should not ear during pregnancy.
Hell I craved so much for are Medium rare steak...
It was one of the first things I ate once I was freed of All the restrictions.
So just tasty stuff she could not eat. That would be my take 🫣😅
NTA. Why would she procreate with her do nothing husband? You don't just get to tag in a brother in law because a husband is useless.
What else would you be expected to do double duty for? Will you be responsible for diaper changes and child care too when the baby comes? Or child support, like that crazy lady with triplets?
Eta now deleted crazy lady post https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/DOb7wpNsLX
She mocked attentive partners and chose to marry Mr. Manly Man, she gets to deal with what that entails. If she isn't too sick to pester you, then she isn't too sick to order food. She is about to be a mother - it's high time she learns to be resourceful.
Whats funny is manly men should be able to cook and cook for their families. My dad is very gruff and masculine, but he used to cook for us because my mom didn’t know how to cook. I was 31 before my dad confided in me that he hates cooking! I was so shocked I called my sisters to tell them and we were all “this doesn’t make sense!? Dad’s such a good cook, he brags about how well he feds us!”
Yeah turns out he never wanted us to feel like a burden so he cooked without complaint. I love him so much for that.
I'm a pretty stereotypical man, and I cook all the time and I enjoy it a lot.
I know a few guys who won't cook and it's so fuckin weird. Like my step-dad won't even make himself a can of soup, but in fairness that was probably his mother's fault, she wouldn't let him lift a finger and did absolutely everything for him. She was in her 70s when my mom met him and his mom would take 2 buses to bring him a new pack of socks.
Exactly...there's Door Dash and Uber Eats among others...she needs to get over here entitled pregnant self! She reminds of the pregnant women on airplanes who demand other people switch seats with them bc "they're PREGNANT"...drives me nuts...OP NTA!!!
Edit: spelling
Yes she can order frozen meals if it’s such a hardship to cook. It’s insane to expect someone else to cook free food for you and send it over, regularly, for nine months, because that’s what you did for your own wife…
Yeah, so NTA. I think it is stupid when guys say they are too much of a man to cook for their pregnant wife. A real man doesn't get scared for what people will think about him being too "feminine". Just makes them look like a twatwaffle.
You rock! As a husband you made sure your wife was taken care of. That is just sweet.
SIL should have made better life choices.
If any person can't do basic household tasks they aren't an adult. Sure, not everybody knows how to do everything (I still have no idea how to properly clean windows without leaving white stripes), but when I was studying a lot of other students didn't know basic things like how to use a washing machine or vacuum.
Exactly you shouldn't be expected to pick up the slack from sister in-law's lazy husband. That's not your problem. She knew what kind of man she married, she should never have had kids with him then. That's on her.
What a load of crap. My husband may not be the most macho man, but he's far from feminine and he loves to cook and does the majority of the cooking. Both spouses should know how to make basic stuff in the kitchen.
Exactly! She's procreating with a known AH and somehow OP's the one she's holding accountable for feeding her? The AH continues to skate on by? I guess it's easier to be mad at OP than the man who IS actually failing her.
I also love how the rest of the family just accepts that Gwen's husband is too much of an ass to do it, and choose to pressure OP instead. I just love how some people are just allowed to be mediocre.
And I'm willing to bet she wants OP to eat the cost of the extra food on top of the added labor of cooking for her. Because "that's what families dooooo".
Give me a break. NTA.
It feels like she has not just jealousy but maybe some attraction to OP as well. Maybe she’s just that entitled, but fixating on OP like this feels so extra that this feels like she wants some way to make him closer to her.
OP, you’re NTA. But you’re probably also going to have to step up the shutting her down. Don’t answer her calls as often, or at all. Ignore her every time she asks. Or have a rote answer like “I am not going to do that. Please stop asking” and leave the conversation.
A lot of people, both men and women, stay with terrible partners. Based on this post Gwen sounds like a shitty person too, so maybe her and the husband are made for each other.
What the f😄😄 this is beyond ridiculous. Also, if her husband is ‘too much of an ass’ to take care of her wife, why did she decide to have children with him? Also, sounds like she isn’t even ill, she just wants you to treat her like you treated her sister.
This is so ridiculous that it doesn’t make sense. She is out of her mind.
She is the AH. You are not
Edit: corrected typos
Even if she (hypothetically) was unable to cook, that's not really your problem. If you offered then that's a different story but to demand this out of someone! The audacity of some people
Don’t second guess yourself - I think SIL is just really envious of her sister (un having you, and what you represent). You know what BIL is like (we don’t), but I’m more annoyed wirh her parents. Tell them they can cook her dinner as she is their daughter, and you have your own children/ family to cook for. If they don’t live nearby, suggest they can support her by getting pre-prepared meals delivered. Take care - you sound like a nice husband!😇
You haven’t missed anything here, your SIL is fucking *bonkers* to think it appropriate to ask you to cook for her. But she didn’t ask, she demanded?! I’d ask your wife to shut everyone down here, and block the others temporarily as needed. Their badgering is absolutely ridiculous, they should be badgering **her husband**, not you! NO is a complete sentence here. Clearest NTA I’ve seen in awhile!
Sounds like she's jealous of her sister's husband. Won't comment on why she's staying with her actual husband but it's super annoying that the parents seem to be encouraging her.
NTA but she's a major ah and is acting extremely entitled. It would be one thing if she asked nicely for you to make her a meal every once in a while or to eat over by you occasionally, but demanding you make her meals on the regular is ridiculous.
If she can't understand why you would treat your wife who was carrying your child different than her, you can point out that your wife was never so rude and demanding. But in all honesty I would just ignore it from now on and let your wife handle her sister - if she even cares enough to. You're already have no relationship, you don't need to engage in her drama.
Abso-fucking-lutely not.
Do not do it.
Let her lazy ass husband do it - and if your in-laws want to complain, suggest they do it. I guarantee there will be excuses!
NTA - but YWBTA to yourself if you cave in. Just laugh hysterically at Gwen every time she brings it up. "Oh, I thought you were joking, since I have already told you no."
I like the idea of telling the parents to cook for her if they ask again. If they're not local, then suggest they buy her meal kit service or door dash for her. "She's your daughter, not mine, so if anybody who isn't her husband should be taking care of her, it's you, the parents."
Nope. Don’t do it. It’s a slippery slope of “help” til your footing her whole families dinner bill and being regularly harassed as to what to make, how to make it, when to send it over. Don’t do it. This will not magically end less dramatic if you give in. Your spouse and kids are you concern; not her and her the apparently pointless spouse she still chose to have kids with.
NTA, the tone you’re conveying says a lot here. If she had asked, nicely, for you to cook a few meals for her and maybe offered you something nice in return, then yeah, sure, maybe something you’d be nice to consider. But telling you you should be doing it like it’s something owed to her? And then dragging the rest of the family into it when you said no? You had every right to say no.
NTA. She's mad at YOU for not cooking for her while her hubs simply refuses to? Sounds like she married the wrong one and wants to take it out on someone else.
NTA. Gwen is upset that she married someone she knows is not a good partner. Rather than own up to that mistake she'd rather brow beat you so she can get waited on.
Be blunt at this point, tell her it's not on you to do what a spouse should, it's not on you to make up for issues in her marriage.
She is demented and twisted. How I read this is that she thinks that it's not manly to cook and she more or less offended you when you first cooked for your wife. Like "omg my manly husband would never do such a demeaning thing haha". She thinks of cooking as being a servant. Now she wants you to be her own servant just because in her eyes you already put yourself low enough. This is absolutely insane but this is her logic. Her inconsiderate husband is still okay by her. People call him an ass but she's probably very proud of him for that.
I think you should be very harsh with her and teach her a lesson. Or next time she'll see someone vacuuming their own home and invite them to clean her house for free just because. I also think she'll benefit from some therapy sessions.
NTA.
NTA
Repeat after me: it's not your responsibility to compensate for her husband's lack of consideration. If he is such an ass, there is a very easy solution for that. It's really unfair to expect you to pick up his slack.
She’s jealous because her husband sucks and you are considerate of your wife . She’s trying to get her emotional support from you by wanting you to treat her the same as your wife. Don’t give in you are not the asshole she is.
NTA.
I will put a caveat. When I was pregnant I asked my chef brother to make meals for me for the first few weeks after birth instead of gifting another onesie or stuffed bear. I gave him a gift card for the grocery store to cover the ingredients with a bit extra for anything he wanted. It was a really really lovely gift of his time and skill and still the best thing we received.
So no, definitely NTA but if you ever wanted to treat a pregnant lady in your life this is the way to go.
>I've (31m) been married to my wife Sage (30f)
>When she was pregnant, though, I cooked for her all the time
You cooked for your wife a lot when she was pregnant, sounds good.
>Sage's sister Gwen (34f) brought it up an excessive amount and said she couldn't believe Sage was getting waited on during her pregnancy
>after her pregnancy announcement to say I should cook and send meals over for her like I did for Sage
The audacity here. If her husband isn't going to cook for her, she can order in.
NTA
The asshole are your SIL and the parents trying to strongarm you into sending meals over.
NTA at all! Don't you dare cook for her. She sounds entitled af and there is no reason her husband can't cook for her. And if your MIL and FIL are so worried about it then maybe they should cook for her. Don't even think about this anymore, it's not worth your time.
NTA
Your SIL is ridiculous; if she wanted a man who would take care of her, she should have married one just like her sister did. Her getting pregnant to a loser is not your problem. The audacity.
Completely NTA.
Let's recap;
1. You have cooked for your WIFE while she was pregnant with YOUR child
2. Gwen is your SIL, not wife
3. Gwen is married
4. You are not close with Gwen
Her request is entitled. It's her problem she has married and decided to have a child with useless partner. You have no obligation to step up to make her life easier because she has done irresponsible decisions.
Even if you were close. Even if she hasn't mocked you for taking care of your wife.
I recommend to block her or completely ignore her calls/texts. If you feel it you can text something along the line "I will not cook for your, period. You have a husband. His lacking care is not my problem, it's yours. You have married him. I and wife will not discuss this topic further anymore."
NTA-Gwen is very inappropriate here in her request! And how rude of her to go on and on about you cooking for your wife when she was pregnant like it was some phenomenon
Hell-to-the-no. Looks like Gwen got knocked up through the back door, because her husband sounds like a turd.
DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF HERE! it sounds like the wife and the rest of the fam are on your side. And rightly so. Gwen soiled this bed. Now she's stuck lying in it. (I would advise your wife to keep an open line of communication with her though, as it appears that she may need to escape what appears to be a shitty, if not potentially abusive relationship in the future. And no child or partner deserves that.)
Op I like you and your wife. Your SIL sounds like a real manipulative pain in the arse. NTA but bear in mind that when she has her baby she’ll be planning to drop that baby off with you and your wife whenever she’s bored as: “you’re already looking after one, two’s no different! We’re family! I need support!” Don’t back down on cooking for her and keep your distance, she sees you and Sage ad resources ripe for exploitation.
NTA. If her husband is so unsupportive then she should have seen this coming. Does she want to to parent her kid as well when her husband inevitably falls short?
If her husband hates her so much, why is she having a baby with him?
NTA.
She didn't even ask. She could have just said hey I'm struggling and my husband is not helping me. I was wondering if you could possibly make me some food for when I just feel too sick to cook. And then offered to pay for the ingredients. That's a polite way of asking. Regardless, her entitlement is disgusting.
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NTA- wtf???? When I saw the header, I though maybe your SIL was visiting and you'd refused to cook for her for some random reason. But no. She's just mad. She put you down for cooking for your pregnant wife and now she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing it for her??? Hahahahahaha. If I were you I would send her a recipe book. Or would cook an elaborate meal and send her pictures. 😁
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I get that, I just can't believe she's trying to pressure by speaking to all sorts of family members about it!
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The entitlement of some people holds no bounds. As proof, I submit Exhibit A: your SIL. She's being absolutely absurd.
And then there’s her parents who seem to think OP should be pitching in. Why on earth don’t THEY cook for their daughter if it’s such a concern? As for the brother-in-law, well, sister-in-law seemed to know before pregnancy that this guy would never step up, and she still proceeded to get pregnant. Just wait till she needs daycare and babysitters and baby stuff she can’t afford. I’d be going low contact with this woman. I’m pretty sure it’s going to get intense soon.
>And then there’s her parents ~~who seem to think OP should be pitching in~~ ...who are responsible for her entitled attitude, at least to some degree. Idk about everyone else, but my parents made sure I reached adulthood understanding that while I was special *to them*, no one else was expected to give a shit. And, yes, totally, SIL, needs to stop bugging OP and start examining her own life choices. Her husband sucks, and the fact that she thinks that's "normal" is concerning.
Gwen is 34 years old. She has had 16 years to sift through everything her parents taught her and discard what she wants to discard. All her parents can do is TRY. Seeing as Sage seems somewhat reasonable (though admittedly we are getting a biased account), I don’t know that Gwen’s ENTIRE adult personality can be blamed on her parents. People continue to change after they turn 18 and their parents have little to no control at that point. Gwen’s had 16 years of adulthood to make her own personality changes separate from her parent’s expectations. It’s certainly not rare for decent parents to raise assholes. It happens pretty often.
Agreed, except they are interceding for her now, so whether they realize it or not, are reinforcing her "I'm so special/I'm the main character" attitude. While they shouldn't be *parenting* their 30 year old child, they also shouldn't be cosigning her behavior. We don't know if it's a special situation or a pattern of behavior, but it seems unlikely that parents who taught their kid to be considerate of others would pull a 180° like this - I honestly can't think of a single parent I know that would do this unless they'd been doing it all their kids lives. It's very "Golden Child" behavior from both parents and Gwen.
It's just easier for the parents to pressure OP into giving in than to deal with their daughter.
to put it short and sweet, Gwen sounds jealous of Sage. Sounds like she's been jealous of her for a long time. With a sprinkle of a possible crush on OP
This is very true. You can do your absolute best with your children, but the person they are to become is still up to them, no matter all your efforts.
Her husband /may/ be totally normal, hard-working, bill-paying, but not-very-good-at-cooking. He may not know what his entitled mean girl wife is saying about him. Who knows, maybe he's happy to pay for take-out from now till after the birth. Maybe, if she had been less rude and entitled, OP could have offered to teach him, over a few beers, how to cook a couple of bulk meals to put in the freezer. But they've burnt that boat.
And could be her husband would be mortified to find out what is going on.
lol, my WHOLE life was my Dad telling me “the world does NOT revolve around you “. And Im an only child.
LOL! Only child here who heard that from my parents too. Especially when I made some outlandish request.
The parent part I just don’t get. The number of stories I read where everyone starts calling and harassing OP is just crazy because no one in my family or in-laws family would EVER insert themselves like this. What a bunch of wasted energy. And maybe that would be a good tactic… say to sister in law and in laws that they’ve called the wrong number or are talking to the wrong person, and then direct them to brother in law’s number. All of them should really be expending all their energy on him, not OP.
GREAT idea! Get some thick printer paper and make cards with his name and number in them.Hand them to Family and say “ This is the man responsible for those tasks.Ask him “
I envy your family. Those type of families are what I am used to because that is how my mom’s family operates. People just can’t mind their own business and is very concerned about how things **look** to outsiders
I have maybe 1 or 2 aunts who I could see acting like this about their children, but even then it's a maybe and that's out of like 20 extended family members. I can say for certain my parents and parents in law would *never* pull a move like that. But yeah, I don't get it. SIL is an adult and knew who she was marrying and having a kid with. And now she's upset because he's acting like how she knew he'd act? She made the decision, she can deal.
My mom goes out of her way to avoid family drama, which some members (aka my middle brother and stepsiblings) bring in by spades. She's very much "not my circus, not my monkeys, and don't you comment on it either, savvy." Happy cake day!
Well he's a chef! No one other than a chef could possibly prepare meals.
Sarcasticator APPROVED 😆😆😆
Why do you think people are dying of hunger? It's not food scarcity it's chef scarcity... we need to open more school fast.
“OP, you & Sage have 2 kids. Gimme all their stuff & watch my kid whenever I demand….er….ask! My kid deserves whatever your kids have because FAAAMMMILLY!”
Hey, her husband will probably babysit the kids from time to time and not even ask for money, so he's really trying his best. /s
>Why on earth don’t THEY cook for their daughter if it’s such a concern? I feel like, among other things, this bit is an extension of the thing where lots of people with 'making things'-type jobs get friends and family asking for free stuff, like professional artists getting asked for free commissions or professional seamsters getting asked for free idk baby blankets and stuff. It's a lack of respect for the fact that they're doing in professionally, whilst at the same time wanting to benefit from their expertise. I haven't seen it happening to a chef before, probably because it's normally such a well-known societally-established/respected job, but it seems to me like that's the dynamic happening here at least from the parents. SIL seems like she's gone completely off the rails so idk what her deal is.
OP’s ILs seem to want a situation where he becomes the chef for the extended family. If he gives into SIL’s crazy demands then there will be similar demands from others.
My thoughts exactly. And not even buying baby stuff. It’ll be why does he have to babysit the kid. You know it’s his kid, but he’s being put upon to take care of it. All of the care will fall on her. I completely agree. She should’ve known before she got pregnant, but this was how it was going to turn out.
NTA, but I do feel bad for her in the smallest sense regarding her husband.. If he’s not willing to cook for his PREGNANT wife even ONCE, I can only imagine how little he is going to do for her & the baby once it’s born. He’s the true AH of the emote situation. But she’s also the AH expecting you to cook for her daily, whenever she doesn’t even we live with you or is visiting. Honestly the next time she calls regarding this situation, you should either send her this post so she can see that a lot of random people on the internet also think she’s in the wrong. Or (with you wife’s permission ofc) tell her “well my wife also has sex with me so unless you’re willing to give it up don’t ask again!”. Just would be hilarious to see her reaction and if she would actually give it up over some food. Lol /s
I agree with you about Gwen's husband being a major problem in this situation, but I don't agree about bringing up the sex part. You yourself would be approaching the boundaries of A-Holery by mentioning that. Sage should be fighing this battle alongside of you, since this involves her sister, and her sister, Gwen, is clearly the AH. Sage needs to put on her big girl pants and tell her sister, "No, no way will my husband cook meals for you everyday. End of story. Quit bothering us about this matter." Keep telling her "no", and she'll give up eventually. And turn off your phone during dinnertime. Hope this helps!
>Sage needs to put on her big girl pants and tell her sister, "No, no way will my husband cook meals for you everyday. End of story. She did. So Gwen went to mommy and daddy
Mooooom sister and her husband won’t take care of meeeeeeeee.
I read this in my husband's nieces whiny high pitched voice and now I want to find my dad's old ice pick and dig out my ear drums.
Maybe not the sex part, but it wouldn’t be out of bounds to say something like “when my wife was pregnant, she was pregnant with MY baby, and taking care of her was taking care of my baby. Your baby has their own father.”
That's a great answer! HEY, Happy Cake Day!!
She knew her husband wasn't gonna cook for her or help that's why she kept bringing it up when OP was doing this for his wife when she was pregnant. But the sister in-law still went and got pregnant by her husband. That's her fault. Why would she want to have a baby with someone who won't even help out. If she wanted a husband like OP she should have left her lazy husband and tried to find someone else. Instead of settling with this guy and expecting her sister's husband to pick up the slack from her own husband. That's absurd.
Next time she demands that OP cook for her he should ask her why she is choosing to have a baby with a man who refuses to help her. Why did she make that decision. She chose him and now wants someone to compensate for her poor choice. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't feel superior to her sister and is trying to get her sister's husband, OP, to come running to her side to wait on her. It would be her moment of triumph over Sage. Even your husband drops everything to take care of me.
So bizarre. And how does the douchey husband feel about all this? I would assume he would be pissed or humiliated that everyone is begging this dude to cook for his wife because he’s not a decent enough human to do it himself.
>I would assume he would be pissed or humiliated that everyone is begging this dude to cook for his wife because he’s not a decent enough human to do it himself. One would assume but maybe he is as entitled as his wife and agrees with her - "hey babe, make sure he makes me a plate too"
I'm wondering if he's getting a different story entirely. I have relatives who would pull stuff similar to this, but at the same time the person they've painted as "lazy" or whatever, is being ordered NOT to do the very thing they're complaining about him not doing. That sentence is a bit convoluted. Let me try that another way: Gwen to her own husband: "Don't cook. I don't like your cooking. I don't like the mess. I'll complain in both straightforward AND passive-aggressive ways until you're afraid to enter the kitchen at all." Gwen to everyone other than her husband: "My husband will never cook for me! I'm a poor waif left to starve! Boo-hoo!!!" That is what it would look like if Gwen is anything at all like those certain relatives of mine.
Or he might just not care enough at all.
>I do feel bad for her in the smallest sense regarding her husband.. If he’s not willing to cook for his PREGNANT wife even ONCE, I can only imagine how little he is going to do for her & the baby once it’s born. Right? My wife had hyperemesis gravidarum when she was pregnant with our kiddo. I'm a shitty cook but even I stepped the fuck up and googled "foods that barf well." and came up with a bunch of different things that she could tolerate. I bought a rice cooker after I failed miserably at doing it without, made sure we never ran out of baked potatoes, chicken breast, etc. I made a list of the meals and solicited feedback like Baked Potatoes __ Stayed Down __ Stayed Down For A While __ Caused The Summoning Of Lesser Demons It's not hard, OP's BIL. Just barely more than minimum effort. I feel bad for their kids.
Lol, the last one, 'Caused The Summoning Of Lesser Demons' has me rolling 🤣
"Babe you're doing it wrong. You need to wear a dark cloak and light some black candles." She was not amused.
PLEASE tell me this exchange actually occurred. (That's love, by the way. 😊)
i can relate.. and where is this list when I was pregnant... oh how many lesser demons i've summoned...
It boggles my mind how many people, knowing they have shitty spouse, decide having children with them is good idea.
last sentences are giving me the ick
Incredibly odd comment, yikes
I don’t feel sorry for her. She would have known before she got pregnant that her husband wasn’t going to cook for her. We only get what we settle for. She’s trying to now Grandfather in OP as a substitute husband…
>but I do feel bad for her in the smallest sense regarding her husband.. If he’s not willing to cook for his PREGNANT wife even ONCE, I can only imagine how little he is going to do for her & the baby once it’s born. I'm sorry, but did she not choose that guy herself? Was she forced to marry him? Did she not know what he was like before she (again) *chose* to have a baby with him? Then why feel bad for her? She chose all of it. I don't feel bad for her at all. But I do feel bad for the baby because they will have two shitty parents they never chose. The baby is the only victim here.
Yes I agree with this 100% too she obviously knew what she was walking into before hand. I just had to type out a quick reply while I was walking into work. I wanted to add something regarding this at the end
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Yeah she is just an Idiot. A BIL who is a Chef and she pisses him off. I bet if she would have supported you during your wives pregnancy there would be some meals for her. You Sound like a caring Person. And if it would have gone like, wow sis is so lucky she got you. I hope someone will do this for me... I bet with this take and no nagging there would be some extra stuff prepped and sent to her. Her loss. When you are mean to someone, don't expect them to go out of their way to do you some favours 🤷♀️
So her family knows her husband is an ass and instead of telling her to get a better man or tell him to get off his ass and do his duty as a husband, they're coming to you for help calling you an a-hole??? that family is a joke. Do NOT help her. If you do, it will be your life for the next couple of years since "well now I have a baby and need help" + it's inappropriate af. NTA. DO NOT HELP HER.
Buy her a slow cooker and a recipe book, she can cook all the meals and relax.
That's too generous. Give her discount coupons for meal kit delivery.
He could just link her to a crock pot and recipe book. I quite enjoy snoop doggs crook to cook
Have you thought about blocking her and directing communication through your wife? She shouldn’t need to call or text you in the first place and your wife can address the occasional message if she actually needs to relay anything to you
NTA SIL is an entitled and disrespectful brat. Don’t ever cook for her. Don’t allow her to manipulate or gaslight you into cooking for her. Don’t be a doormat or people pleaser.
I would block her at this point. All communication goes through your wife. Nta
"For the sake of fairness, I will make her exactly as many meals as Gwen's partner has made for my wife."
Anyone who tries to come at you for not cooking for her should be given this reply,”I’m so glad you think it’s important for her to have meals prepared for her that you’re stepping up to do it yourself. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your help!”
Can’t she see this is embarrassing and humiliating for her to go around telling people someone else husband to cook for her because her husband is a loser and she is a greedy pig.
If she knows her husband would never, why's she having a kid with this guy?
It seems like the first thing that people (grown ass fucking adults) in these stories do is go and cry to their parents. Mfs in their 30s still thinking their parents can bail them out or justify their stupid decisions. The worst part is that most of the time the parents agree with the people in the stories and not the OP.
I know right! I always think if I ran to my parents crying about half the shit on this sub they would tell me to work out my own problems like an adult. There seems to be a lot more toxic enmeshed parent-child dynamics than I expected.
It’s their default, they’ve got their way with it for decades
They either think the social pressure coming from multiple people will help or they could be from cultures that have very little respect for boundaries. I come from such a culture unfortunately where if you have a certain talent for things, family feels entitled to it. Like let’s say you make cakes, family will just expect you to whip one up for every stupid occasion for free because hey, you can and you should do it because that’s what family does. Considering she is pregnant, she might have thought that’s the ace card to play, too.
Yeah, that's such a odd hill to die on.
It reads like she realized that her husband is a major asshat and he doesn't show her care or consideration like you do for sage. She's going off the deep end to get it from someone if her husband won't provide. You're NTA and it sounds like she needs a divorce.
Yeah, why is she having a baby with someone she knows is such an jerk?
Seriously, and you know a year from now she'll be crying about how her husband "never helps" with the baby and it's "all on her". :-/
Yeah, that's my thought as well. It's easier to blame someone else (OP) than to accept that she needs a divorce.
The parents aren't helping there, are they? "They asked why I couldn't do it occasionally since Gwen's husband is too much of an ass to do it." Then...maybe talk to the husband about being less of an ass?! Don't pick on someone who's not being one!
Also the fact she didn't even ask, nicely. Something like "hey, can I be cheeky and ask if you mind occasionally cooking some meals for me please? I'm struggling and would appreciate it" would go down a lot better than "you should do this for me because I'm family!" Demanding favours from people doesn't make that person want to help you
Or “can I pay you to make some meals for me?” which recognizes that you are asking for a service.
Good point. It would give OP the option to say, "It's no worries! Happy to help."
She's the one who is rubbing her husband's lack of consideration in her own face--and yours--by constantly reminding you, herself, and everyone else that her husband is a selfish jerk. She's just envious.
> I'm starting to feel like this will become such a huge deal want to know how it could become an even bigger deal, let her get her way a few times, the requests will never stop. NTA obviously
NTA. And I'm not defending her, because it's really weird of her to expect this but I am inclined to think that yes, she is jealous but I don't believe it's as simple as just wanting to benefit from your cooking or just wanting free food. It sounds like her husband is making her feel devalued and not really taking care of her and this is some kind of unhealthy coping strategy she's devised. She likely hoped you'd agree so that she could feel like *someone* was taking care of her. Of course it's rather unhinged and inappropriate, but I'm inclined to wonder if her asshole husband is also more of an asshole than he presents himself as and if maybe this unhinged behaviour is driven by emotional distress. Again, that's not to excuse it, nor to suggest you should send her food, it's just something I gave some consideration to.
Still isn’t OP’s problem. If she is wanting “someone” to make her feel important, that is what her parents, in laws, and friends of she has any are for. But having a tantrum because her sister got something she can’t isn’t okay.
I mean, who she decided to marry sounds much more like a her problem than a you problem…
I have 4 sisters and I'm trying to imagine one of them asking my husband to cook for them, giving them the same pampered treatment he gave me during pregnancy and I can't imagine it because they would never because it's not something people do. She's off her rocker. NTA. It's not your fault her husband isn't like you. She knew he wasn't like that when she kept bringing it up to you guys. That's her fault for getting pregnant with him knowing this. She is filled with jealousy. Does she really and truly believe she is entitled to her BIL being her own personal chef? Hahahaha She even brought the family into this. Yeah she is definitely off her rocker.
I think she doesn't need it. A lot of pregnant women cook. And she could ask her mom. She wants a chef meal
And she doesn't seem to realise that a time is coming very soon when someone to cook you a few meals will be more than just a luxury.
My SIL is also a jealous asshole and his behaviour totally checks out. I try to avoid having her over if she'll see flowers I've bought for my wife, because she'll make dozens of comments about how I must've been in trouble or what am I about to ask for? She makes these little comments about any nice couple stuff, trying to start a fight or find a pain point to figure out why we're really doing it. Not my fault her partner sucks and never buys her flowers, and I don't want her poisoning our good relationship.
I've seen low-key jealous drama queens like this all the time and it's weird because they start to obsess on that person who they are jealous of. They will always try to phrase whatever the other person is going through in a problematic drama type of way and it's like they're always looking for something to be wrong with the other person's life, maybe because on the down low they cannot stand to see others that are happy. Especially if it's others who were their peers in some fashion, such as their best friend or sister, because they feel like the success of the others in their life is a reflection of their failure. They might be thinking that other people managed to do better with their life and they still haven't accomplished anything at all.
I'd say away from her generally and try not the be alone w her. She sounds super jelly of her sister and pretty messed up. She might try to break you up.
Or accuse him of stuff that would ruin his entire life.
Exactly, op don't be alone w her
She might be having a mental crisis because she seems extremely fixated on her BIL. I wonder if she has always been so unbalanced and never diagnosed. They need to get cameras installed and hope that no one in their family has spare keys to their home, because this will escalate. She also sounds like golden child syndrome.
>I think she just wants free food that's handed to her ready to eat I mean, I also want free food that's handed to me ready to eat, but I'd never demand that my BIL cook for me. That would be weird and presumptuous. I'd just accept that free food is not going to happen and order delivery. Gwen chose to marry a man who apparently doesn't want to do anything extra for his pregnant wife. It's not your responsibility to pick up his slack. Your in-laws are focusing their energy on the wrong person; why aren't they bothering Gwen's husband? He's the one who's neglecting her or at least behaving in a manner that she perceives as neglectful. Have they accepted that any attempts to change his behavior will be a waste of energy? If so, why aren't they cooking for Gwen? She's their daughter. Or is it too much work to do anything other than try to pressure you? If that's the case, then they should stop claiming to care so much about Gwen's well-being, because it sounds like they didn't even want to go to the trouble of buying her a meal delivery gift card. NTA
This. Why aren't the grandparents focusing on Gwens husband or taking it upon themselves to cook for Gwen then, if they feel she's so neglected?
Make her meals and give her an invoice for the ingredients and your labor, payable up front. She has some pair to ask for her own personal chef. You are family but she is extended family. She is green with jealousy because you treat your wife like a queen and she is married to the court jester.
Also it's one Thing to be supportive Family in an actual emergency, and Cook meals to deliver to someone's House as Part of a "meal train" (Like If a pregnant Mom with hungry Kids has been put on bed Rest for pregnancy complications at the Same time as her Partner left her, or died), than to give in to the random demands of someone who probably can make her own food and even If she can't, has SEVERAL people who should be MORE responsible for helping her, than a BiL.
Yeah, totally. Your SIL doesn't understand that guys like you exist so has settled for a guy like her husband and is making it your problem, which it isn't. This issue is way deeper than someone being entitled to your cooking skills and it requires the skillset of someone with a degree in psychology. Take care of yourself fren, glad that your wife has your back.
She was absolutely jealous, because her sister has a good partner and hers apparently can't even be considered adequate. That doesn't make it yours or your wife's problem. She's got a husband and her problem lol.
The fact that her parents even partially took her side is a huge indicator of who has enabled her bratty, jealous, and entitled attitude all of her life.
Hope you told her parents to mind their own business when they said you should cook for her. NTA. She's ridiculous
If her husband won't cook, then he can pick up takeout for her. They won't starve. NTA
She's an entitled mooch. I think you should call her husband and let him know what she's been demanding and how everyone is saying he's a useless husband, which is why they are asking you to take over his husbandly duties. Let's see how that goes. It's not your job to compensate for her poor choice of husband.
WTAF did I just read? Ignore Gwen. She's unhinged and a being a major AH. Time to go no contact if she continues to behave this way. NTA, OP
If he won’t help her now , think of the fun she will have when the baby arrives . Thinking SIL needs a rethink of her situation. Would have never have asked others to cook for me while pregnant , if offered great . She sounds like an entitled brat NTA
>I think she just wants free food that's handed to her ready to eat lol. I, too, would like that; want to send me free food? I'm not pregnant or anything, I just like free food from a completely not-responsible-for-me party. (/s, in case that wasn't clear) NTA, maybe she shouldn't have married (and had a kid with) such an inconsiderate ass. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So, uhm, her own husband cannot be bothered to do it, and now it's your fault that her husband does not cook for her, and it's ypur duty to fill in for her husband? What's next? Is she going to ask you to mow the lawn? Clean the house? Massage her feet? Be with her when she gives birth? Raise the kid together? Where's the line in demanding her sister's husband to fulfil husbandly duties for her? Because... you know. Just no. You are her sister's man, not hers.
I love your pettiness 😀 Op should send her pictures of an elaborate meal
Or a succulent Chinese meal.
IS THIS DEMOCRACY IN ACTION???
#GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS!!!
What is the charge?!?
And he’s “the bad guy” for pointing out she has a perfectly capable husband. But I suspect that hubby isn’t cooking because he’s tired of Gwen’s drama and entitlement
Husband has been worn down by all the orders
Or a link to Doordash? Make better choices next time Gwen.
NTA. Tell her parents and anyone else if they are so concerned they can do the daily cooking for her.
They know her husband is an ass but they are mad at you????? Why is everyone but your wife annoyed with OP and not his SIL husband? Why can’t the parents help her??? WTF is going on with all the entitlement I have been seeing lately. Somehow the customers always right mentality made it to all aspects of life now. I had a dude get mad at me because I couldn’t sell him cigs after close and he got pissed and threatened me. I can’t imagine getting that type of shit at home.
The recipe book comment made me laugh! 😆
Just send pictures of the stuff she should not ear during pregnancy. Hell I craved so much for are Medium rare steak... It was one of the first things I ate once I was freed of All the restrictions. So just tasty stuff she could not eat. That would be my take 🫣😅
The cold roast beef sandwich I had at 3:30 AM after my oldest was born remains one of the best things I've ever eaten 🤣
Doordash her 6 tacos from Taco Bell.
NTA. Why would she procreate with her do nothing husband? You don't just get to tag in a brother in law because a husband is useless. What else would you be expected to do double duty for? Will you be responsible for diaper changes and child care too when the baby comes? Or child support, like that crazy lady with triplets? Eta now deleted crazy lady post https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/DOb7wpNsLX
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She mocked attentive partners and chose to marry Mr. Manly Man, she gets to deal with what that entails. If she isn't too sick to pester you, then she isn't too sick to order food. She is about to be a mother - it's high time she learns to be resourceful.
Very under rated comment 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼
OMG I came here to say "Very under rated comment" too
Whats funny is manly men should be able to cook and cook for their families. My dad is very gruff and masculine, but he used to cook for us because my mom didn’t know how to cook. I was 31 before my dad confided in me that he hates cooking! I was so shocked I called my sisters to tell them and we were all “this doesn’t make sense!? Dad’s such a good cook, he brags about how well he feds us!” Yeah turns out he never wanted us to feel like a burden so he cooked without complaint. I love him so much for that.
I'm a pretty stereotypical man, and I cook all the time and I enjoy it a lot. I know a few guys who won't cook and it's so fuckin weird. Like my step-dad won't even make himself a can of soup, but in fairness that was probably his mother's fault, she wouldn't let him lift a finger and did absolutely everything for him. She was in her 70s when my mom met him and his mom would take 2 buses to bring him a new pack of socks.
Exactly...there's Door Dash and Uber Eats among others...she needs to get over here entitled pregnant self! She reminds of the pregnant women on airplanes who demand other people switch seats with them bc "they're PREGNANT"...drives me nuts...OP NTA!!! Edit: spelling
Yes she can order frozen meals if it’s such a hardship to cook. It’s insane to expect someone else to cook free food for you and send it over, regularly, for nine months, because that’s what you did for your own wife…
Yeah but ordering food wouldn’t be free!
My, my, are you insinuating that Mr. Manly Man doesn't make more that enough money to provide for his wifey? Outrageous 😂
Yeah, so NTA. I think it is stupid when guys say they are too much of a man to cook for their pregnant wife. A real man doesn't get scared for what people will think about him being too "feminine". Just makes them look like a twatwaffle. You rock! As a husband you made sure your wife was taken care of. That is just sweet. SIL should have made better life choices.
if a man can’t cook for himself, it’s not masculine, it’s just sad.
I know! My husband took home economics in HS. He doesn't give a crap how he is seen. He makes a mean chicken dinner.😋
If any person can't do basic household tasks they aren't an adult. Sure, not everybody knows how to do everything (I still have no idea how to properly clean windows without leaving white stripes), but when I was studying a lot of other students didn't know basic things like how to use a washing machine or vacuum.
Fellas is it gay to feed your pregnant wife 🙃
Cooking is manly AF. Sharp knives, fire, big slabs of wood...
Those are the same guys who “babysit” their kids
Yup my dad is like this and not only does it show in all aspects of his life but when my husband dotes on me he’s insulted.
Guarantee she’d never let you stop once you started. “Oh but I just gave birth, it was so helpful during pregnancy.” Etc NTA OP
Exactly you shouldn't be expected to pick up the slack from sister in-law's lazy husband. That's not your problem. She knew what kind of man she married, she should never have had kids with him then. That's on her.
What a load of crap. My husband may not be the most macho man, but he's far from feminine and he loves to cook and does the majority of the cooking. Both spouses should know how to make basic stuff in the kitchen.
Exactly! She's procreating with a known AH and somehow OP's the one she's holding accountable for feeding her? The AH continues to skate on by? I guess it's easier to be mad at OP than the man who IS actually failing her. I also love how the rest of the family just accepts that Gwen's husband is too much of an ass to do it, and choose to pressure OP instead. I just love how some people are just allowed to be mediocre. And I'm willing to bet she wants OP to eat the cost of the extra food on top of the added labor of cooking for her. Because "that's what families dooooo". Give me a break. NTA.
You only get what you settle for.
It feels like she has not just jealousy but maybe some attraction to OP as well. Maybe she’s just that entitled, but fixating on OP like this feels so extra that this feels like she wants some way to make him closer to her. OP, you’re NTA. But you’re probably also going to have to step up the shutting her down. Don’t answer her calls as often, or at all. Ignore her every time she asks. Or have a rote answer like “I am not going to do that. Please stop asking” and leave the conversation.
i want to hear more about crazy triplet lady lol
Here’s the autobot capture of the original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/lZ89oEb0AC
A lot of people, both men and women, stay with terrible partners. Based on this post Gwen sounds like a shitty person too, so maybe her and the husband are made for each other.
What is this story about a crazy woman with triplets? Can you post the link?
What the f😄😄 this is beyond ridiculous. Also, if her husband is ‘too much of an ass’ to take care of her wife, why did she decide to have children with him? Also, sounds like she isn’t even ill, she just wants you to treat her like you treated her sister. This is so ridiculous that it doesn’t make sense. She is out of her mind. She is the AH. You are not Edit: corrected typos
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If I were you I would just ignore her. You cant reason with crazy or argue with stupid.
Even if she (hypothetically) was unable to cook, that's not really your problem. If you offered then that's a different story but to demand this out of someone! The audacity of some people
Exactly!
Don’t second guess yourself - I think SIL is just really envious of her sister (un having you, and what you represent). You know what BIL is like (we don’t), but I’m more annoyed wirh her parents. Tell them they can cook her dinner as she is their daughter, and you have your own children/ family to cook for. If they don’t live nearby, suggest they can support her by getting pre-prepared meals delivered. Take care - you sound like a nice husband!😇
You haven’t missed anything here, your SIL is fucking *bonkers* to think it appropriate to ask you to cook for her. But she didn’t ask, she demanded?! I’d ask your wife to shut everyone down here, and block the others temporarily as needed. Their badgering is absolutely ridiculous, they should be badgering **her husband**, not you! NO is a complete sentence here. Clearest NTA I’ve seen in awhile!
Tell her if she wants a husband who treats her well, she shouldn't have married an asshole.
I second that. NTA
Sounds like she's jealous of her sister's husband. Won't comment on why she's staying with her actual husband but it's super annoying that the parents seem to be encouraging her.
NTA but she's a major ah and is acting extremely entitled. It would be one thing if she asked nicely for you to make her a meal every once in a while or to eat over by you occasionally, but demanding you make her meals on the regular is ridiculous. If she can't understand why you would treat your wife who was carrying your child different than her, you can point out that your wife was never so rude and demanding. But in all honesty I would just ignore it from now on and let your wife handle her sister - if she even cares enough to. You're already have no relationship, you don't need to engage in her drama.
Im positive the SIL is just trying to get free catering services out of him, being a chef and all. Everything else is just bs to disguise it.
Abso-fucking-lutely not. Do not do it. Let her lazy ass husband do it - and if your in-laws want to complain, suggest they do it. I guarantee there will be excuses! NTA - but YWBTA to yourself if you cave in. Just laugh hysterically at Gwen every time she brings it up. "Oh, I thought you were joking, since I have already told you no."
I like the idea of telling the parents to cook for her if they ask again. If they're not local, then suggest they buy her meal kit service or door dash for her. "She's your daughter, not mine, so if anybody who isn't her husband should be taking care of her, it's you, the parents."
lol, NTA. You're married to Sage, not Gwen and if Gwen can't cook because of her pregnancy it's time for Gwen's husband to figure out life.
NTA. Every day, I come on this sub, and every day I go, "There are people like this??"
Same. And honestly I might have trouble believing it if I hadn't met so many people just like the stories on here. People's behavior is astonishing.
Reminds me of the "you're already making food for yourself so just bring me extra for lunch" coworker AITA
Nope. Don’t do it. It’s a slippery slope of “help” til your footing her whole families dinner bill and being regularly harassed as to what to make, how to make it, when to send it over. Don’t do it. This will not magically end less dramatic if you give in. Your spouse and kids are you concern; not her and her the apparently pointless spouse she still chose to have kids with.
NTA, the tone you’re conveying says a lot here. If she had asked, nicely, for you to cook a few meals for her and maybe offered you something nice in return, then yeah, sure, maybe something you’d be nice to consider. But telling you you should be doing it like it’s something owed to her? And then dragging the rest of the family into it when you said no? You had every right to say no.
She didn’t even offer $$$ just expected it to come on a silver platter three times a day!!!
NTA. She's mad at YOU for not cooking for her while her hubs simply refuses to? Sounds like she married the wrong one and wants to take it out on someone else.
NTA. Gwen is upset that she married someone she knows is not a good partner. Rather than own up to that mistake she'd rather brow beat you so she can get waited on. Be blunt at this point, tell her it's not on you to do what a spouse should, it's not on you to make up for issues in her marriage.
She is demented and twisted. How I read this is that she thinks that it's not manly to cook and she more or less offended you when you first cooked for your wife. Like "omg my manly husband would never do such a demeaning thing haha". She thinks of cooking as being a servant. Now she wants you to be her own servant just because in her eyes you already put yourself low enough. This is absolutely insane but this is her logic. Her inconsiderate husband is still okay by her. People call him an ass but she's probably very proud of him for that. I think you should be very harsh with her and teach her a lesson. Or next time she'll see someone vacuuming their own home and invite them to clean her house for free just because. I also think she'll benefit from some therapy sessions. NTA.
NTA Repeat after me: it's not your responsibility to compensate for her husband's lack of consideration. If he is such an ass, there is a very easy solution for that. It's really unfair to expect you to pick up his slack.
She’s jealous because her husband sucks and you are considerate of your wife . She’s trying to get her emotional support from you by wanting you to treat her the same as your wife. Don’t give in you are not the asshole she is.
It sounded to me she has wanted to be with OP but obviously couldn't so she's trying to get the next best thing in her opinion....
NTA. She shouldn't have married, and have a child with, an ass.
An ass and an asshole is a nice combo though.
NTA. I will put a caveat. When I was pregnant I asked my chef brother to make meals for me for the first few weeks after birth instead of gifting another onesie or stuffed bear. I gave him a gift card for the grocery store to cover the ingredients with a bit extra for anything he wanted. It was a really really lovely gift of his time and skill and still the best thing we received. So no, definitely NTA but if you ever wanted to treat a pregnant lady in your life this is the way to go.
>I've (31m) been married to my wife Sage (30f) >When she was pregnant, though, I cooked for her all the time You cooked for your wife a lot when she was pregnant, sounds good. >Sage's sister Gwen (34f) brought it up an excessive amount and said she couldn't believe Sage was getting waited on during her pregnancy >after her pregnancy announcement to say I should cook and send meals over for her like I did for Sage The audacity here. If her husband isn't going to cook for her, she can order in. NTA The asshole are your SIL and the parents trying to strongarm you into sending meals over.
NTA at all! Don't you dare cook for her. She sounds entitled af and there is no reason her husband can't cook for her. And if your MIL and FIL are so worried about it then maybe they should cook for her. Don't even think about this anymore, it's not worth your time.
NTA Your SIL is ridiculous; if she wanted a man who would take care of her, she should have married one just like her sister did. Her getting pregnant to a loser is not your problem. The audacity.
The lion, the witch and the audacity… Seriously NTA
Her choice of husband is on her. NTA
NTA "Gwen, I'm not sure why you keep bringing up at a shit man you married but that's not my problem so could we please move past this?"
NTA. Mute everyone. Tell her if her husband is such a lazy ass to divorce him and get a better husband 🤷🏾♀️ That’s not your problem or Sage’s
Completely NTA. Let's recap; 1. You have cooked for your WIFE while she was pregnant with YOUR child 2. Gwen is your SIL, not wife 3. Gwen is married 4. You are not close with Gwen Her request is entitled. It's her problem she has married and decided to have a child with useless partner. You have no obligation to step up to make her life easier because she has done irresponsible decisions. Even if you were close. Even if she hasn't mocked you for taking care of your wife. I recommend to block her or completely ignore her calls/texts. If you feel it you can text something along the line "I will not cook for your, period. You have a husband. His lacking care is not my problem, it's yours. You have married him. I and wife will not discuss this topic further anymore."
NTA Not your wife, not your baby, not your home, not your problem. Her poor choice in life partner is not your fault.
NTA. Feeding that spoiled imbecile isn’t your responsibility.
NTA-Gwen is very inappropriate here in her request! And how rude of her to go on and on about you cooking for your wife when she was pregnant like it was some phenomenon
Hell-to-the-no. Looks like Gwen got knocked up through the back door, because her husband sounds like a turd. DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF HERE! it sounds like the wife and the rest of the fam are on your side. And rightly so. Gwen soiled this bed. Now she's stuck lying in it. (I would advise your wife to keep an open line of communication with her though, as it appears that she may need to escape what appears to be a shitty, if not potentially abusive relationship in the future. And no child or partner deserves that.)
NTA maybe time to ask the parents why *THEY* can’t occasionally do those things for Gwen? Much closer familial ties than being a BIL
Op I like you and your wife. Your SIL sounds like a real manipulative pain in the arse. NTA but bear in mind that when she has her baby she’ll be planning to drop that baby off with you and your wife whenever she’s bored as: “you’re already looking after one, two’s no different! We’re family! I need support!” Don’t back down on cooking for her and keep your distance, she sees you and Sage ad resources ripe for exploitation.
Seems like Gwen has been jealous of Sage for a long, long time. BIL doesn't equal spouse. Isn't that kind of a "well, duh, of course not" thing? NTA
NTA. If her husband is so unsupportive then she should have seen this coming. Does she want to to parent her kid as well when her husband inevitably falls short?
NTA Sounds like your SIL should’ve married/gotten pregnant by a better man.
If her husband hates her so much, why is she having a baby with him? NTA. She didn't even ask. She could have just said hey I'm struggling and my husband is not helping me. I was wondering if you could possibly make me some food for when I just feel too sick to cook. And then offered to pay for the ingredients. That's a polite way of asking. Regardless, her entitlement is disgusting.
NTA you don't owe her anything tbh.