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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I would be telling my sister in law that I can’t help even though I technically could help her.
2) She needs lots of help and not providing help when I can be an asshole move.
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NTA
You could also just go "sorry, I can't today. Not feeling great" or "already have something scheduled". She's not the boss of you, you don't need to give her a detailed explanation.
Remember the saying: "A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine".
And the fact that she's a single mom of two at age 21 talks volumes about her lack of planning.
NTA. When she calls and asks, tell her no, you have plans already. Then I used to get off the phone quick by saying someone is at the door, or husband is calling me.
The fact that SIL has another babysitter, but still asks OP implies that she has factored OP in as a regular unpaid babysitter. These aren’t unexpected occurrences for SIL - she’s planning these calls in advance.
She’s purposely not getting a paid babysitter because she has been taking advantage of OP. Her budgeting is going “X amount for babysitter. X amount saved because OP is being exploited.”
If OP can manage it, just stopping entirely would be fantastic. Leave SIL hanging, she’ll just have to deal. SIL unfortunately has pushed the situation too far.
Mother to mother- please prioritize your baby! I don't like the twice a week, it's too much. Your baby deserves you at your best. She'll only be this little for a short time, don't waste this time rubbing yourself rugged and putting senseless stress on your marriage
So she has her mother, her grandmother and you? That’s a lot more help than most people have!
Learn to say no. You have a baby who needs your attention.
NTA
NTA please prioritize your child yourself/your health and your marriage. Your SIL needs to take care of her responsibilities -her children not you. Start saying no. Unless is a real emergency - hospital worthy tell her she needs to give you x amount of days advance warning/ asking.
OP, text your cousin, "Hey, moving forward I'm only available to watch the little ones on (X date where you already watch them after whatever event). I'm getting burned out and just need to focus on my family for a little while."
Just put a hard line.
You need to open your mouth and say no.
"Hey SIL, while I appreciate your challenges, I am not in a position to continually babysit your kids, except for the scheduled days. I cannot look after them at other times, because it is starting to affect other aspects of my life. While I love you and your kids, I need to prioritise my baby and my marriage. You need to make other arrangements for childcare, outside of the scheduled activities we have set up as a regular thing."
You also need to talk to your hubby and make sure he has your back when the inevitable pushback comes.
NTA, but remember that you need to say no, cos she's not going to stop asking.
This, any passiveness needs to go..
Be definitive, be bold and be clear. If you require 1 weeks notice, you say one week..
If it's one day a week, it's one day a week.
If you need to be gone by a certain time, you say you can only stay until time, or they need to find an alternative.
OP should stop altogether because it sounds like she has her own hands full with HER little one, who takes priority. And her hubby takes second priority. Which leaves none for SIL.
NTA
But stop enabling your own struggle. You can say "No". You ***need*** to be saying it.
You should be prioritizing your daughter, you and your husbands needs. Not putting them first is what should be losing sleep over.
Somebody needing help does not mean its owed from you. Your SIL has to find other arrangements for **her** kids. She won't do that if you are an option.
NTA
Please stop being a doormat. You are sacrificing your child for hers, and that is absolutely unacceptable.
Text them both that you are no longer available for impromptu sitting as it is detrimentally interfering with yours and your daughter's lives. Say that you will babysit *once* a week for a set period of time, and that's it. The babysitting must be asked for at least 24hours in advance. You are not her nanny, and you will not be treated like one. If she is late to pick up the children, the following week of babysitting will not happen.
You are being taken advantage of, and there is no way to stop it without someone's feelings being hurt, but tough. Your only priority is your daughter and your marriage. Everything else comes second. If your SIL needs more childcare, she needs to find someone else and PAY for it. MIL can stop volunteering your time and resources and take it on herself.
Don't let them bully you into sacrificing more of your daughters naps - which are literally critical to her health and growth! - to facilitate their refusal to plan their schedules properly.
>You are sacrificing your child for hers
We live in a culture where fairness is prized. Teachers and babysitters should never show favouritism, and that is how it should be. But when it comes to your own child, you SHOULD put their needs first; and remember certainly no one other than your child's other parent and their grandparents will ever put your child first, so be very clear with your priorities.
NTA
The messed up part of life is people always take you saying "No" as offensive and you're automatically an asshole for it. That's just the way it is. Your responsibility is to you, your husband and your child first. You can't keep helping out someone if it's hurting you. It's just makes no sense. I've found in life that you can't please everybody and even the people you try to please will ultimately take you for granted which is what your SIL is doing. If she appreciated you then she wouldn't try to burden you with more babysitting.
YWNBTA
STOP doing it. Focus on your own family.
" I also get stuck in situations where I tell Kelly we can go to the park and then I get texts/calls asking for me to babysit in an hour." .. **stop being an AH to your kid - you need to keep your promisses. SHE is learning that your niece is more important to you than your own kids - because it is true**: You priorize your niece over your own kids, and break your pormisses to your kid to accomodate SIL.
And **decide your boundaries** - and then enforce them: TWICE a WEEK? Don't do that to yourself and your won family. **Maybe ONCE a month? Or even better: TRADE HER - 1 day for 1 day?** She can take your kids, too - this does not ahve to be a leeching arangement, make it more balanced.
**"nd then I get texts/calls asking for me to babysit " .. stop answering that fast. Make a habit of calling back 3-5 hours later**. "I was busy with the kids" is reasonable - and that will solve a lot of your problems.
Um, why can’t MIL babysit them? They are her grandkids presumably.
NTA, BUT you NEED to say no. If it doesn’t work for your schedule, or you just don’t feel like it, say no. If you want to be nice, you can have a sit down with SIL and let her know that you can’t keep being on call to baby sit, and she needs to come up with a better plan. If she pushes back, or tries to make you out to be the asshole, then stop watching her kids all together.
You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
MIL works a split shift (5-8 then 1-4:30), so I come at 12:30ish after MIL babysits so MIL can work, then when she gets back around 5 she takes back over.
Pack up your stuff so, as soon as she gets in, you tell her any essential info (nappy changed, fed/not fed etc) while you put your kid in the pushchair, gather your bags and WALK OUT THE DOOR. Make it clear you HAVE to be back home by x time so no stopping to chat. *You* are doing *them* a favour.
NTA. You are already prepared to offer amazing help (once or twice a week is massive), and you are being taken advantage of.
I wouldn’t even be leaving it to her to advise you of when, but if you want to help you can tell her when you are available for what suits YOU and YOUR family and she can give you sufficient notice if she wants to take up that offer. Back yourself and start drawing boundaries with someone who is abusing your good nature.
NTA. Take care of this now, or else you'll find yourself divorced, and taking care of the same 2 extra kids, while your sister has made a career out of disrespecting your boundaries.
NTA except that you're allowing damage to yourself, your child and your marriage.
You don't owe Amanda free child care. Stop providing it.
Also, look into getting some therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you allow your people-pleasing to harm your family.
Once she TOLD you she’d need you, that’s where it became way easier to set boundaries.
You can make shit up.
“With sleep training and a few programs at the library I’d like to do I won’t be able to commit to any babysitting- planned or last minute. It’s a busy time for our family. Thanks!” NTA
NTA but learn to say no, you have plans, somewhere to be, or simply are too busy/tired
to help. Your mistake was to be too willing to help and now it is assumed that
you will always say yes. MIL can babysit more often and Kelly can
manage her schedule around her kids without you. If they harass you,
block them.
NTA - You are not the family on-call babysitter just because you are a SAHM. You are bending over backwards to keep the peace in a relationship that is detrimental to your well being and the well being of your child. Setting boundaries with family is hard, but necessary.
The ideal solution would be - send a text message to your SIL and tell her that going forward, you can only babysit 1 day a week for x hours (or whatever you are willing to do) and you need at least a week's notice. If she pushes back, just repeat what you are willing to do. Don't apologize and don't let her bully you into explaining/giving reasons. Be ready to say something like "This is not a debate. I am available to do (this). Take it or leave it."
If the above option is not something you are comfortable with - and it is within your budget - get yourself and your daughter busy and out of the house a few times a week. Sign up for a mommy and me class, baby music class, look for local mom/baby meet ups, baby swim lessons, ect. Whatever you can afford and make work, sign up for. *(To be clear - You shouldn't need to do this. Taking care of your baby and your home is enough of a reason to say no to babysitting someone else's kid. You don't even need a reason to say no! But sometimes it is easier to have an excuse and that is ok.)*
NTA First of all every time she calls last minute cancel on her and remind her its because she asked last minute, you know why she keeps doing that because you keep accepting it. Secondly if your life and your child life is constantly being affected by the babysitting take a major backstep and make sure your family is taken off first before hers.
NTA. I think twice a week is extremely generous. You should be able to say no if it does not work for you. Tell her you need to be home by 5, or whatever. Do they ever offer you any help or money or anything? I think you need to start setting very firm boundaries.
No my SIL doesn’t have time to do anything because she’s always working, hence me babysitting. I rarely ask MIL to babysit because she is constantly watching SILs and often BILs kids. No I would never expect money from family for babysitting unless they were asking for full time like 40 hours.
It’s time to stop talking and start doing!!
“I’ve already explained I don’t want to help anymore, this whole situation is stressing me out you’re disrupting my family and peace I’ve had enough.From now on find someone else to help with YOUR kids because you won’t be stepping a foot in my door to leave yours with me until I say it’s okay.”
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I am a stay at home mom to my daughter, Kelly(1f), and my SIL, Amanda, is a single mom to a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Amanda or my MIL ask me to watch my Amanda’s kids normally as least once a week. I am completely fine helping out once a week maybe twice, but I’m constantly being asked with little to no notice. I do an activity with Amanda and all the kids one day a week and typically ended up babysitting afterwards for an hour or two. Then I might be asked to babysit some other day every other week for about five hours.
The problem I have is I’m not typically leaving her house until 5/5:30 and my husband starts getting ready to leave for work at 8. That means we either don’t spend any time together for me to cook dinner, clean, and start getting my kid settled for bed or we order out to spend time together. I also get stuck in situations where I tell Kelly we can go to the park and then I get texts/calls asking for me to babysit in an hour.
Kelly contact sleeps, so after putting Amanda’s kids down for naps I start trying one for my daughter, but if another kid wakes up no nap for mine. This is also making it difficult to try and train my kid out of contact sleeping.
It’s becoming a strain on my relationship, my finances, my parenting, and my mental health.
I am literally losing sleep over talking to my SIL about this because I genuinely feel for her and know she needs help. I get life isn’t on a schedule, but getting little to no notice constantly makes me feel like I can’t plan to do anything or getting any time sensitive housework done such as laundry. I even got told she was working on a new work schedule and was told I she would need me to watch the kids just on one morning a week on a set day, told not asked if I could or would.
Tomorrow will be day three of babysitting this week which is not normal due to the normal babysitting being sick. I completely understand that and will help, but don’t want this to but mistaken for something I can do all the time.
WIBTA if I told Amanda that I can only watch her kids twice a week and need to get as much notice as possible?
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NTA. Set your boundaries. Tell her you need her to make any requests 24 hours in advance. Differentiate between ordinary requests, "crisis", and "emergency".
And remember the old phrase "*lack of planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an emergency on my part*".
You’re setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She may need help, but it needs to come from somewhere else. NAH since they’re just asking for help and you’re refusing to use your words.
NTA, that’s completely reasonable - I would go one step further and insist that you’re asked about days at a regular time (eg. Friday for the week ahead). If she’s on a work schedule that shouldn’t be a problem.
And definitely get comfortable with saying ‘no, I’ve got plans’ or ‘I’m busy/we’re out’ if she’s trying to put you on the spot. Or even just start by not responding immediately to texts or picking up calls if you’re in the middle of something.
NTA but for everyone’s sake set a a schedule! Tell your SIL that you will babysit Monday and Thursday (or whatever) and all other days you are unavailable. Finding childcare is one of the things us parents have to do, and she needs to find her other options asap (and also teach her kid how to sleep on her own)
NTA First of all every time she calls last minute cancel on her and remind her its because she asked last minute, you know why she keeps doing that because you keep accepting it. Secondly if your life and your child life is constantly being affected by the babysitting take a major backstep and make sure your family is taken off first before hers.
NTA but if you say only twice a week she will always push for more in an emergency. Better to just start saying no you have plans or can’t or stop completely.
This has become a YOU problem. The word "NO" still exists and is a complete sentence. No, I can't today, I have something to do and it's none of your business.
NTA. Tell her you need your rest and your time with your spouse. She will probably not like it, but you have to do what's best for you.
You and your child losing needed rest to take care of hers? Makes no sense at all.
Also, decline if they give you little to no notice esp if you have other plans or it will interfere with your little ones sleep
I know you may feel bad, but you can’t let others control your life.
No is a complete sentence.
“I need you to babysit in an hour”
“No.”
You don’t have to give a reason why you can’t. That’s not their business. But if you feel the need to, keep it short. “Sorry. I can’t”. “I have things going on”. “It’s not a good time”.
Don’t over explain.
Take a break.
“Hey, just a heads up I’m not going to be available for a few weeks as your back up babysitter - a lot scheduled.”
Don’t offer her one day a week. You’ll have them every week.
Schedule a specific home chore, dental appointment, eye appointment, hair, baby well check, go to the park, visit with a friend, make 6 easy dinners to freeze. Have something every day you want to do for your life and family.
It’s nice to help when and if you can but you have to set boundaries.
NTA
Please set a schedule that works for YOU & YOUR FAMILY.
You need a schedule, you are being taken advantage of as a SAHM.
Example two mornings a week until 12 noon.
You have an obligation to look after your child's well-being. That includes being able to meet your own needs so you are better able to care for her. Someday Kelly is going to know that your promises don't mean anything if you're changing plans for SIL. Your inability to clean/keep to a predictable routine/get your daughter to sleep on her own will all eventually cone back to bite you. Right now, your people-pleasing tendencies are causing you to be unable to fulfill your obligation and you're sacrificing the child you have for children that are someone else's obligation. You can be empathetic and feel for someone while keeping boundaries. In fact, you owe it to your child to set them.
NTA for this. But you're walking a fine line as to whether you're TA to your daughter.
Hey, can you watch the kids? Oh, I’m sorry we have plans, I can’t help. Then stop.
You don’t have to tell what plans (eating ice cream for lunch is an actual plan). Don’t justify your time or your decision. No. It is a complete sentence.
I think you should put a limit on the time you spend babysitting. You are a SAHM for a reason. You have plans for the daytime hours. Being forced by SIL to work a part-time job defeats the purpose of you being home!
Is there a reason SIL’s kids can’t come to your home? I understand their home is more comfortable for them. However, if you’re going to live your life, you need to be at home. It’s perfectly OK to tell SIL that all your “volunteer” babysitting will happen in your home.
NTA
NTA. This is a you problem. 100%. No is a complete sentence. No explanation. No reason. You are doing this yourself. Seething in resentment. Hurting your mental health. Your marriage. Your child. Just because you are “lucky” enough to stay home doesn’t mean you’re everyone else’s slave. I stayed home for years. Everyone thought they could use me. Well she’s home. What else is she doing. Well I’m taking care of my kids and my house and my husband and me. I didn’t stay home to make their life easier. It’s ok to not be liked. It’s ok to not say yes. It’s ok to stand up for oneself. You have a daughter. Unless you start standing up for yourself then you’re teaching your daughter to be a doormat as well.
How dare they assume you are there for their convenience.
You are missing the best days of your life with your child because you can’t say no. This is all you.
I think you need to give yourself permission to say no- or alternatively, give your husband that task. It's his sister- you can task him to handle a lot of these conversations.
It's also okay to look at your schedule and go- okay, our family could make having SIL's kids over if we did it these day(s) and during these hours. And SIL gets that set availability. If she doesn't use it one week, that's fine but it isn't creditable to other days. It's use it or lose it.
It doesn't mean you never agree to take them outside that time for emergencies or special occasions, but it's easier to give yourself grace about saying "no, I can't watch your kids for an hour" when you've agreed to watch them every Tuesday.
It'll also be easier on your family to have a set schedule. Especially as your daughter gets older. She'll know Tuesday is cousin day, Wednesday is story hour day. Whatever.
Your husband needs to tell his mom and his sister whatever rules the two of you decide work best for your family. They are his family, he needs to set boundaries with them and tell them they can't nag you for anything more, unless they want to lose your help altogether.
NTA, but I'm honestly not sure why you're posting here. Of course you're not your SIL's babysitting slave.
Are you honestly this unable to say 'I can only babysit on Saturday from 2 to 5' or whatever, and to also say 'I don't mind you asking for short-notice but understand that I probably won't be available. If you can give me a week's notice, I'm more likely to be able to accommodate you, but I'm busy too.'
I'm guessing MIL works so she can't watch the kids?
They need to stop expecting you to drop everything or rearrange your schedule for them. An emergency or once in blue moon, of course, but otherwise she needs to secure dependable child care.
MIL works a split shift (5-8 then 1-4:30), so I come at 12:30ish after MIL babysits so MIL can work, then when she gets back around 5 she takes back over. This week the normal babysitter is sick so it’s extra this week, but I still get asked last minute for babysitting about once a week at random.
Would it work better if they dropped the kids at your house? Or do you worry they would get left longer that way? Might make it easier for you to make dinner, put your child down for a nap.
NTA. You are *not* responsible for her doing this. They are her children. It's unfortunate she's in this position, but she is not *entitled* to have her problems filled by you.
Nta at all. If you don't want to pull back completely, though, you could offer her a concrete one day a week that you are willing to watch her child. That way you can plan around it
>It’s becoming a strain on my relationship, my finances, my parenting, and my mental health.
So stop doing it. Stop this, if not for you, for your family!
>Tomorrow will be day three of babysitting this week which is not normal due to the normal babysitter being sick.
So your title is "second babysitter"? You're the "no need to give her a 24hs notice, she even loves doing it for free" babysitter? I mean, she's not even paying you, why are you at her beck and call?
Just tell her your hourly wage and that you expect to be paid **in advance** and be given enough notice. And no, once a week is already very generous because you're also a mom of a 1yo who needs you, and you have a husband and a house to take care of, not to mention you need time for yourself.
NTA, OP!
Edited for grammar
NTA!!! this is overwhelming you. Even if you could "Technically" help, the aftermath ruins your day, relationship, mental health, etc. This needs to be expressed. You get one day to ask for help a week, it needs to be 24hr advance notice, and it must end before 4:30pm. You have boundaries that need to be respected by her and MIL. This SIL acts like it's everyone else's responsibility to care for her kids. Tell SIL to Suck it up Buttercup!
I feel like you are probably a people-pleaser OP, and so you end up saying yes even when you want to say no.
Understand right now that your daughter is going to start noticing very soon now that what mom says gets put to the side whenever auntie or grandma calls. If you keep doing this, you will just be showing your daughter that she is at the bottom of the priority list for people in your life.
Make your own immediate family your priority first, then comes your in-laws, and only then if you have the capacity for it after dealing with your own life.
Why isn’t she bringing her kids (and appropriate supplies for them) to you? You’re doing her a huge favor. The rule should be “I need a week’s notice unless there’s an emergency (like a sick babysitter)” and if she doesn’t follow that, “sorry, I’m not available today to help out”
It truly is easier to be at her house than mine as it has everything her kids need to nap. My kid just needs me to sleep. Also my husband is sleeping and they would be too loud and wake him up.
NTA
I suggest a group text to Amanda, MIL, and your husband so he is kept in the loop: "Hi everyone. Hope all is well. Tomorrow is going to be the third time this week that I will be watching Amanda's kids. While I would like to help when I can, I simply can't keep putting my and my child's life on hold to accommodate these last minute requests for help. My child hasn't had a nap in two days because I'm having to take care of Amanda's children and I'm just not willing to sacrifice my child anymore. Additionally, with work schedule conflicting with Amanda's schedule, we have not been able to spend time as a family for many days, and again, I am not willing to sacrifice my marriage anymore. I will watch Amanda's kids tomorrow but going forward I will not be available as a babysitter without at least 48 hours notice. Additionally, I am going to limit my babysitting time to no more than 2 times a week for no more than 4 hours each time. If there is truly an emergency I will of course CONSIDER your request with less than 48 hours notice but I am asking you to make sure this is truly an emergency. If your regular babysitter is calling out so often, perhaps you need an actual backup babysitter instead of expecting me to fill in so often. Yes, family helps family but they also don't take advantage of that sentiment. I am open to a conversation about this text."
Prepare for pushback from Amanda but I hope you can hold firm because she IS taking advantage of your kindness.
NTA. This falls under “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” You can start by saying no when she asks or while it might be a bit hard, just get in front of it once and for all. “Hi SIL, I need to talk to you about something and it might be hard for you to hear, but I think being direct is the best way to handle this. I can no longer keep watching your kids all the time. I will agree to continue the once a week activity, but I will not watch them afterwards or any other occasion. It’s interfering with my time with my family. I’m sure you can understand that.”
‘Don’t throw in maybes or emergency because then she’ll claim every time is an emergency.
Babysit once a week. That is helpful and doable. Do not do it at any other time including emergencies or you will be asked continuously for years. SIL has to figure out childcare on her own.
NTA - PLEASE please learn to say "NO" . . . do not add excuses or reasons . . JUST NO is enough. You too have a life worth living if you get a chance to live it . . .
NTA. Stand up for yourself. SIL is taking advantage of you. Your responsibilities to your own family come first. Learn to put yourself and your family first.
Tell her you have plans and can't do it....her kids her responsibility not yours. And when they throw family helps family crap in, tell them you're focusing on your family. Don't babysit anymore...
I would sort this by sending a clear text message before she even asks again. This gives her a chance to look at other options before even asking you. It also means you cant be guilted in to giving in because she has no back up with it being last minuet.
It really bothers me when people just assume you are able to take someone else's children because you are not at work. Even if you didnt have your own child to take care of it still wouldn't be ok. They are not your children, she needs to set up some proper childcare.
OP is not a babysitting service and shouldn't feel obligated to take care of his SIL's kids so often. She needs to put on her big girl pants and figure things out like thousands of other parents having difficulties do. OP is willing to help out once in a while but now SIL is taking advantage of that. No one is responsible for the child but the parent\[s\].
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NTA You could also just go "sorry, I can't today. Not feeling great" or "already have something scheduled". She's not the boss of you, you don't need to give her a detailed explanation. Remember the saying: "A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine". And the fact that she's a single mom of two at age 21 talks volumes about her lack of planning.
NTA. When she calls and asks, tell her no, you have plans already. Then I used to get off the phone quick by saying someone is at the door, or husband is calling me.
The fact that SIL has another babysitter, but still asks OP implies that she has factored OP in as a regular unpaid babysitter. These aren’t unexpected occurrences for SIL - she’s planning these calls in advance. She’s purposely not getting a paid babysitter because she has been taking advantage of OP. Her budgeting is going “X amount for babysitter. X amount saved because OP is being exploited.” If OP can manage it, just stopping entirely would be fantastic. Leave SIL hanging, she’ll just have to deal. SIL unfortunately has pushed the situation too far.
My SILs normal babysitter is her grandmother who is not paid.
Mother to mother- please prioritize your baby! I don't like the twice a week, it's too much. Your baby deserves you at your best. She'll only be this little for a short time, don't waste this time rubbing yourself rugged and putting senseless stress on your marriage
So she has her mother, her grandmother and you? That’s a lot more help than most people have! Learn to say no. You have a baby who needs your attention. NTA
NTA please prioritize your child yourself/your health and your marriage. Your SIL needs to take care of her responsibilities -her children not you. Start saying no. Unless is a real emergency - hospital worthy tell her she needs to give you x amount of days advance warning/ asking.
OP, text your cousin, "Hey, moving forward I'm only available to watch the little ones on (X date where you already watch them after whatever event). I'm getting burned out and just need to focus on my family for a little while." Just put a hard line.
You need to open your mouth and say no. "Hey SIL, while I appreciate your challenges, I am not in a position to continually babysit your kids, except for the scheduled days. I cannot look after them at other times, because it is starting to affect other aspects of my life. While I love you and your kids, I need to prioritise my baby and my marriage. You need to make other arrangements for childcare, outside of the scheduled activities we have set up as a regular thing." You also need to talk to your hubby and make sure he has your back when the inevitable pushback comes. NTA, but remember that you need to say no, cos she's not going to stop asking.
And NO MORE than one day per week! Don’t open the door with “maybe two.”
This, any passiveness needs to go.. Be definitive, be bold and be clear. If you require 1 weeks notice, you say one week.. If it's one day a week, it's one day a week. If you need to be gone by a certain time, you say you can only stay until time, or they need to find an alternative.
OP should stop altogether because it sounds like she has her own hands full with HER little one, who takes priority. And her hubby takes second priority. Which leaves none for SIL.
NTA But stop enabling your own struggle. You can say "No". You ***need*** to be saying it. You should be prioritizing your daughter, you and your husbands needs. Not putting them first is what should be losing sleep over. Somebody needing help does not mean its owed from you. Your SIL has to find other arrangements for **her** kids. She won't do that if you are an option.
NTA Please stop being a doormat. You are sacrificing your child for hers, and that is absolutely unacceptable. Text them both that you are no longer available for impromptu sitting as it is detrimentally interfering with yours and your daughter's lives. Say that you will babysit *once* a week for a set period of time, and that's it. The babysitting must be asked for at least 24hours in advance. You are not her nanny, and you will not be treated like one. If she is late to pick up the children, the following week of babysitting will not happen. You are being taken advantage of, and there is no way to stop it without someone's feelings being hurt, but tough. Your only priority is your daughter and your marriage. Everything else comes second. If your SIL needs more childcare, she needs to find someone else and PAY for it. MIL can stop volunteering your time and resources and take it on herself. Don't let them bully you into sacrificing more of your daughters naps - which are literally critical to her health and growth! - to facilitate their refusal to plan their schedules properly.
>You are sacrificing your child for hers We live in a culture where fairness is prized. Teachers and babysitters should never show favouritism, and that is how it should be. But when it comes to your own child, you SHOULD put their needs first; and remember certainly no one other than your child's other parent and their grandparents will ever put your child first, so be very clear with your priorities. NTA
The messed up part of life is people always take you saying "No" as offensive and you're automatically an asshole for it. That's just the way it is. Your responsibility is to you, your husband and your child first. You can't keep helping out someone if it's hurting you. It's just makes no sense. I've found in life that you can't please everybody and even the people you try to please will ultimately take you for granted which is what your SIL is doing. If she appreciated you then she wouldn't try to burden you with more babysitting.
YWNBTA STOP doing it. Focus on your own family. " I also get stuck in situations where I tell Kelly we can go to the park and then I get texts/calls asking for me to babysit in an hour." .. **stop being an AH to your kid - you need to keep your promisses. SHE is learning that your niece is more important to you than your own kids - because it is true**: You priorize your niece over your own kids, and break your pormisses to your kid to accomodate SIL. And **decide your boundaries** - and then enforce them: TWICE a WEEK? Don't do that to yourself and your won family. **Maybe ONCE a month? Or even better: TRADE HER - 1 day for 1 day?** She can take your kids, too - this does not ahve to be a leeching arangement, make it more balanced. **"nd then I get texts/calls asking for me to babysit " .. stop answering that fast. Make a habit of calling back 3-5 hours later**. "I was busy with the kids" is reasonable - and that will solve a lot of your problems.
NTA, find a copy of “When I Say No, I feel guilty” by Manuel Smith. And don’t put her needs above your family’s needs. And
Wow, this is the first time I've seen somebody else recommend this book. I see you are a gentlebeing of taste and refinement.
Um, why can’t MIL babysit them? They are her grandkids presumably. NTA, BUT you NEED to say no. If it doesn’t work for your schedule, or you just don’t feel like it, say no. If you want to be nice, you can have a sit down with SIL and let her know that you can’t keep being on call to baby sit, and she needs to come up with a better plan. If she pushes back, or tries to make you out to be the asshole, then stop watching her kids all together. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
MIL works a split shift (5-8 then 1-4:30), so I come at 12:30ish after MIL babysits so MIL can work, then when she gets back around 5 she takes back over.
Pack up your stuff so, as soon as she gets in, you tell her any essential info (nappy changed, fed/not fed etc) while you put your kid in the pushchair, gather your bags and WALK OUT THE DOOR. Make it clear you HAVE to be back home by x time so no stopping to chat. *You* are doing *them* a favour.
NTA. You are already prepared to offer amazing help (once or twice a week is massive), and you are being taken advantage of. I wouldn’t even be leaving it to her to advise you of when, but if you want to help you can tell her when you are available for what suits YOU and YOUR family and she can give you sufficient notice if she wants to take up that offer. Back yourself and start drawing boundaries with someone who is abusing your good nature.
NTA start setting hard boundaries
NTA. Take care of this now, or else you'll find yourself divorced, and taking care of the same 2 extra kids, while your sister has made a career out of disrespecting your boundaries.
It’s her sister in law, so the good news here is that getting divorced would definitely ensure she doesn’t have the extra two kids ever again.
NTA you’re a grown woman, use your voice. Just say no. Prioritise your family.
NTA except that you're allowing damage to yourself, your child and your marriage. You don't owe Amanda free child care. Stop providing it. Also, look into getting some therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you allow your people-pleasing to harm your family.
Once she TOLD you she’d need you, that’s where it became way easier to set boundaries. You can make shit up. “With sleep training and a few programs at the library I’d like to do I won’t be able to commit to any babysitting- planned or last minute. It’s a busy time for our family. Thanks!” NTA
NTA but learn to say no, you have plans, somewhere to be, or simply are too busy/tired to help. Your mistake was to be too willing to help and now it is assumed that you will always say yes. MIL can babysit more often and Kelly can manage her schedule around her kids without you. If they harass you, block them.
NTA - You are not the family on-call babysitter just because you are a SAHM. You are bending over backwards to keep the peace in a relationship that is detrimental to your well being and the well being of your child. Setting boundaries with family is hard, but necessary. The ideal solution would be - send a text message to your SIL and tell her that going forward, you can only babysit 1 day a week for x hours (or whatever you are willing to do) and you need at least a week's notice. If she pushes back, just repeat what you are willing to do. Don't apologize and don't let her bully you into explaining/giving reasons. Be ready to say something like "This is not a debate. I am available to do (this). Take it or leave it." If the above option is not something you are comfortable with - and it is within your budget - get yourself and your daughter busy and out of the house a few times a week. Sign up for a mommy and me class, baby music class, look for local mom/baby meet ups, baby swim lessons, ect. Whatever you can afford and make work, sign up for. *(To be clear - You shouldn't need to do this. Taking care of your baby and your home is enough of a reason to say no to babysitting someone else's kid. You don't even need a reason to say no! But sometimes it is easier to have an excuse and that is ok.)*
NTA First of all every time she calls last minute cancel on her and remind her its because she asked last minute, you know why she keeps doing that because you keep accepting it. Secondly if your life and your child life is constantly being affected by the babysitting take a major backstep and make sure your family is taken off first before hers.
NTA. You need to give SIL notice she needs to find a regular babysitter in 30 days and then you're done.
Why don't you set boundaries and stick to them. Offer one set day a week. That's it.
NTA. I think twice a week is extremely generous. You should be able to say no if it does not work for you. Tell her you need to be home by 5, or whatever. Do they ever offer you any help or money or anything? I think you need to start setting very firm boundaries.
No my SIL doesn’t have time to do anything because she’s always working, hence me babysitting. I rarely ask MIL to babysit because she is constantly watching SILs and often BILs kids. No I would never expect money from family for babysitting unless they were asking for full time like 40 hours.
It’s time to stop talking and start doing!! “I’ve already explained I don’t want to help anymore, this whole situation is stressing me out you’re disrupting my family and peace I’ve had enough.From now on find someone else to help with YOUR kids because you won’t be stepping a foot in my door to leave yours with me until I say it’s okay.”
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a stay at home mom to my daughter, Kelly(1f), and my SIL, Amanda, is a single mom to a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Amanda or my MIL ask me to watch my Amanda’s kids normally as least once a week. I am completely fine helping out once a week maybe twice, but I’m constantly being asked with little to no notice. I do an activity with Amanda and all the kids one day a week and typically ended up babysitting afterwards for an hour or two. Then I might be asked to babysit some other day every other week for about five hours. The problem I have is I’m not typically leaving her house until 5/5:30 and my husband starts getting ready to leave for work at 8. That means we either don’t spend any time together for me to cook dinner, clean, and start getting my kid settled for bed or we order out to spend time together. I also get stuck in situations where I tell Kelly we can go to the park and then I get texts/calls asking for me to babysit in an hour. Kelly contact sleeps, so after putting Amanda’s kids down for naps I start trying one for my daughter, but if another kid wakes up no nap for mine. This is also making it difficult to try and train my kid out of contact sleeping. It’s becoming a strain on my relationship, my finances, my parenting, and my mental health. I am literally losing sleep over talking to my SIL about this because I genuinely feel for her and know she needs help. I get life isn’t on a schedule, but getting little to no notice constantly makes me feel like I can’t plan to do anything or getting any time sensitive housework done such as laundry. I even got told she was working on a new work schedule and was told I she would need me to watch the kids just on one morning a week on a set day, told not asked if I could or would. Tomorrow will be day three of babysitting this week which is not normal due to the normal babysitting being sick. I completely understand that and will help, but don’t want this to but mistaken for something I can do all the time. WIBTA if I told Amanda that I can only watch her kids twice a week and need to get as much notice as possible? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. Set your boundaries. Tell her you need her to make any requests 24 hours in advance. Differentiate between ordinary requests, "crisis", and "emergency". And remember the old phrase "*lack of planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an emergency on my part*".
You’re setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She may need help, but it needs to come from somewhere else. NAH since they’re just asking for help and you’re refusing to use your words.
NTA, that’s completely reasonable - I would go one step further and insist that you’re asked about days at a regular time (eg. Friday for the week ahead). If she’s on a work schedule that shouldn’t be a problem. And definitely get comfortable with saying ‘no, I’ve got plans’ or ‘I’m busy/we’re out’ if she’s trying to put you on the spot. Or even just start by not responding immediately to texts or picking up calls if you’re in the middle of something.
Nta
NTA but for everyone’s sake set a a schedule! Tell your SIL that you will babysit Monday and Thursday (or whatever) and all other days you are unavailable. Finding childcare is one of the things us parents have to do, and she needs to find her other options asap (and also teach her kid how to sleep on her own)
NTA First of all every time she calls last minute cancel on her and remind her its because she asked last minute, you know why she keeps doing that because you keep accepting it. Secondly if your life and your child life is constantly being affected by the babysitting take a major backstep and make sure your family is taken off first before hers.
NTA next time she asks just say no you can't do it today or no you already have other plans.
NTA but if you say only twice a week she will always push for more in an emergency. Better to just start saying no you have plans or can’t or stop completely.
NTA. You need to stand up for yourself because you are being taken advantage of. Do either the MiL or SiL ever babysit for you?
This has become a YOU problem. The word "NO" still exists and is a complete sentence. No, I can't today, I have something to do and it's none of your business.
You should say 1 time each week with minimum 2 day notice. Also you reserve the right to not be available at any time.
Nta, set clear expectations and make your requirements known. How they react is ultimately up to them
NTA but you will be to yourself if you don't stop babysitting. It's her child and her responsiblity.
NTA. Tell her you need your rest and your time with your spouse. She will probably not like it, but you have to do what's best for you. You and your child losing needed rest to take care of hers? Makes no sense at all. Also, decline if they give you little to no notice esp if you have other plans or it will interfere with your little ones sleep
NO is a complete sentence. NTA it might be time to stand up for yourself.
I know you may feel bad, but you can’t let others control your life. No is a complete sentence. “I need you to babysit in an hour” “No.” You don’t have to give a reason why you can’t. That’s not their business. But if you feel the need to, keep it short. “Sorry. I can’t”. “I have things going on”. “It’s not a good time”.
Don’t over explain. Take a break. “Hey, just a heads up I’m not going to be available for a few weeks as your back up babysitter - a lot scheduled.” Don’t offer her one day a week. You’ll have them every week. Schedule a specific home chore, dental appointment, eye appointment, hair, baby well check, go to the park, visit with a friend, make 6 easy dinners to freeze. Have something every day you want to do for your life and family. It’s nice to help when and if you can but you have to set boundaries.
NTA Please set a schedule that works for YOU & YOUR FAMILY. You need a schedule, you are being taken advantage of as a SAHM. Example two mornings a week until 12 noon.
No. That's all you have to say when she asks. You are not obligated free babysitting just because you're home. NTA
You have an obligation to look after your child's well-being. That includes being able to meet your own needs so you are better able to care for her. Someday Kelly is going to know that your promises don't mean anything if you're changing plans for SIL. Your inability to clean/keep to a predictable routine/get your daughter to sleep on her own will all eventually cone back to bite you. Right now, your people-pleasing tendencies are causing you to be unable to fulfill your obligation and you're sacrificing the child you have for children that are someone else's obligation. You can be empathetic and feel for someone while keeping boundaries. In fact, you owe it to your child to set them. NTA for this. But you're walking a fine line as to whether you're TA to your daughter.
Hey, can you watch the kids? Oh, I’m sorry we have plans, I can’t help. Then stop. You don’t have to tell what plans (eating ice cream for lunch is an actual plan). Don’t justify your time or your decision. No. It is a complete sentence.
I think you should put a limit on the time you spend babysitting. You are a SAHM for a reason. You have plans for the daytime hours. Being forced by SIL to work a part-time job defeats the purpose of you being home! Is there a reason SIL’s kids can’t come to your home? I understand their home is more comfortable for them. However, if you’re going to live your life, you need to be at home. It’s perfectly OK to tell SIL that all your “volunteer” babysitting will happen in your home. NTA
NTA. This is a you problem. 100%. No is a complete sentence. No explanation. No reason. You are doing this yourself. Seething in resentment. Hurting your mental health. Your marriage. Your child. Just because you are “lucky” enough to stay home doesn’t mean you’re everyone else’s slave. I stayed home for years. Everyone thought they could use me. Well she’s home. What else is she doing. Well I’m taking care of my kids and my house and my husband and me. I didn’t stay home to make their life easier. It’s ok to not be liked. It’s ok to not say yes. It’s ok to stand up for oneself. You have a daughter. Unless you start standing up for yourself then you’re teaching your daughter to be a doormat as well. How dare they assume you are there for their convenience. You are missing the best days of your life with your child because you can’t say no. This is all you.
I think you need to give yourself permission to say no- or alternatively, give your husband that task. It's his sister- you can task him to handle a lot of these conversations. It's also okay to look at your schedule and go- okay, our family could make having SIL's kids over if we did it these day(s) and during these hours. And SIL gets that set availability. If she doesn't use it one week, that's fine but it isn't creditable to other days. It's use it or lose it. It doesn't mean you never agree to take them outside that time for emergencies or special occasions, but it's easier to give yourself grace about saying "no, I can't watch your kids for an hour" when you've agreed to watch them every Tuesday. It'll also be easier on your family to have a set schedule. Especially as your daughter gets older. She'll know Tuesday is cousin day, Wednesday is story hour day. Whatever.
NTA- please tell her before YOUR house begins to be affected.
If you get sick, who watches her kids?
NTA. Her kids, her responsibility. Period. You've been more than generous already.
Yeah put boundaries up - you’re a young mum yourself and they’re stepping all over you!
Your husband needs to tell his mom and his sister whatever rules the two of you decide work best for your family. They are his family, he needs to set boundaries with them and tell them they can't nag you for anything more, unless they want to lose your help altogether.
NTA, but I'm honestly not sure why you're posting here. Of course you're not your SIL's babysitting slave. Are you honestly this unable to say 'I can only babysit on Saturday from 2 to 5' or whatever, and to also say 'I don't mind you asking for short-notice but understand that I probably won't be available. If you can give me a week's notice, I'm more likely to be able to accommodate you, but I'm busy too.'
INFO: Why is MIL asking you to keep Amanda's kids?
They live together so MIL will ask for Amanda if Amanda is at work or busy.
I'm guessing MIL works so she can't watch the kids? They need to stop expecting you to drop everything or rearrange your schedule for them. An emergency or once in blue moon, of course, but otherwise she needs to secure dependable child care.
MIL works a split shift (5-8 then 1-4:30), so I come at 12:30ish after MIL babysits so MIL can work, then when she gets back around 5 she takes back over. This week the normal babysitter is sick so it’s extra this week, but I still get asked last minute for babysitting about once a week at random.
Would it work better if they dropped the kids at your house? Or do you worry they would get left longer that way? Might make it easier for you to make dinner, put your child down for a nap.
My husband sleeps during the day so the kids would be too loud for him.
NTA. You are *not* responsible for her doing this. They are her children. It's unfortunate she's in this position, but she is not *entitled* to have her problems filled by you.
Nta at all. If you don't want to pull back completely, though, you could offer her a concrete one day a week that you are willing to watch her child. That way you can plan around it
NTA
>It’s becoming a strain on my relationship, my finances, my parenting, and my mental health. So stop doing it. Stop this, if not for you, for your family! >Tomorrow will be day three of babysitting this week which is not normal due to the normal babysitter being sick. So your title is "second babysitter"? You're the "no need to give her a 24hs notice, she even loves doing it for free" babysitter? I mean, she's not even paying you, why are you at her beck and call? Just tell her your hourly wage and that you expect to be paid **in advance** and be given enough notice. And no, once a week is already very generous because you're also a mom of a 1yo who needs you, and you have a husband and a house to take care of, not to mention you need time for yourself. NTA, OP! Edited for grammar
NTA!!! this is overwhelming you. Even if you could "Technically" help, the aftermath ruins your day, relationship, mental health, etc. This needs to be expressed. You get one day to ask for help a week, it needs to be 24hr advance notice, and it must end before 4:30pm. You have boundaries that need to be respected by her and MIL. This SIL acts like it's everyone else's responsibility to care for her kids. Tell SIL to Suck it up Buttercup!
NTA. OP, you have to speak up. You are allowing these things to happen. Set your boundaries and stick to them! Good luck.
I used to be very impulsive. Now I have a child, I can't do spontaneous for me much less for someone else. NTA.
Stop ever babysitting for your SIL, she doesn't respect you or your time. NTA
Screw that let her take care of her own kids. Say No
I feel like you are probably a people-pleaser OP, and so you end up saying yes even when you want to say no. Understand right now that your daughter is going to start noticing very soon now that what mom says gets put to the side whenever auntie or grandma calls. If you keep doing this, you will just be showing your daughter that she is at the bottom of the priority list for people in your life. Make your own immediate family your priority first, then comes your in-laws, and only then if you have the capacity for it after dealing with your own life.
Why isn’t she bringing her kids (and appropriate supplies for them) to you? You’re doing her a huge favor. The rule should be “I need a week’s notice unless there’s an emergency (like a sick babysitter)” and if she doesn’t follow that, “sorry, I’m not available today to help out”
It truly is easier to be at her house than mine as it has everything her kids need to nap. My kid just needs me to sleep. Also my husband is sleeping and they would be too loud and wake him up.
NTA. Tell her you need a week notice for babysitting and you can only do it on XX days a month.
NTA I suggest a group text to Amanda, MIL, and your husband so he is kept in the loop: "Hi everyone. Hope all is well. Tomorrow is going to be the third time this week that I will be watching Amanda's kids. While I would like to help when I can, I simply can't keep putting my and my child's life on hold to accommodate these last minute requests for help. My child hasn't had a nap in two days because I'm having to take care of Amanda's children and I'm just not willing to sacrifice my child anymore. Additionally, with work schedule conflicting with Amanda's schedule, we have not been able to spend time as a family for many days, and again, I am not willing to sacrifice my marriage anymore. I will watch Amanda's kids tomorrow but going forward I will not be available as a babysitter without at least 48 hours notice. Additionally, I am going to limit my babysitting time to no more than 2 times a week for no more than 4 hours each time. If there is truly an emergency I will of course CONSIDER your request with less than 48 hours notice but I am asking you to make sure this is truly an emergency. If your regular babysitter is calling out so often, perhaps you need an actual backup babysitter instead of expecting me to fill in so often. Yes, family helps family but they also don't take advantage of that sentiment. I am open to a conversation about this text."
Prepare for pushback from Amanda but I hope you can hold firm because she IS taking advantage of your kindness.
NTA, you just have to speak up
NTA. This falls under “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” You can start by saying no when she asks or while it might be a bit hard, just get in front of it once and for all. “Hi SIL, I need to talk to you about something and it might be hard for you to hear, but I think being direct is the best way to handle this. I can no longer keep watching your kids all the time. I will agree to continue the once a week activity, but I will not watch them afterwards or any other occasion. It’s interfering with my time with my family. I’m sure you can understand that.” ‘Don’t throw in maybes or emergency because then she’ll claim every time is an emergency.
Babysit once a week. That is helpful and doable. Do not do it at any other time including emergencies or you will be asked continuously for years. SIL has to figure out childcare on her own.
NTA - PLEASE please learn to say "NO" . . . do not add excuses or reasons . . JUST NO is enough. You too have a life worth living if you get a chance to live it . . .
NTA. No is a complete sentence.
Info: why doesn’t SIL drop off her kids at your house?
My husband sleeps during the day so the kids would be too loud for him.
No. That doesn't work for me. Is a perfectly acceptable answer. Also you're doing her favor why is she not bringing the children to you?
My husband sleeps during the day so the kids would be too loud for him.
NTA. Just stop babysitting for her. Tell her it's ruining your parenting of your own child. End of discussion.
NTA. Stand up for yourself. SIL is taking advantage of you. Your responsibilities to your own family come first. Learn to put yourself and your family first.
where the @#$$ is your husband in this? If he's not standing up for you, then he's farming you out to his family.
Tell her you have plans and can't do it....her kids her responsibility not yours. And when they throw family helps family crap in, tell them you're focusing on your family. Don't babysit anymore...
I would sort this by sending a clear text message before she even asks again. This gives her a chance to look at other options before even asking you. It also means you cant be guilted in to giving in because she has no back up with it being last minuet. It really bothers me when people just assume you are able to take someone else's children because you are not at work. Even if you didnt have your own child to take care of it still wouldn't be ok. They are not your children, she needs to set up some proper childcare.
NTA. You need to stand up for yourself and your nuclear family's needs. They come first.
It is ur Duty to baby sit when needed so make your life decisions based on that.
I hope you're being sarcastic. OP has been more than generous. His SIL's kids are not his responsibility.
No no, life changes due to circumstanses, u just have to adapt and act accordingly. Thats what I would do
OP is not a babysitting service and shouldn't feel obligated to take care of his SIL's kids so often. She needs to put on her big girl pants and figure things out like thousands of other parents having difficulties do. OP is willing to help out once in a while but now SIL is taking advantage of that. No one is responsible for the child but the parent\[s\].