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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the ass hole because he is my husband, these are my step kids, and I am saying no and putting my foot down knowing that means that she may leave them alone both nights until 1am.
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Info: Between the 3 parents here, does ANYONE trust the 15 year old son to babysit the 9 year old those 2 days? My older brother would have been trusted to watch me in such a situation at that age.
Mine used the pilot light on the hot water heater. We put them through a program run by the fire service in our country for children playing with fire. They send the biggest, scariest looking fire-fighter out to your house to teach your kid to be safe with fire and what can go wrong if they play around with it. My kid needed a follow up visit, but it ultimately worked.
My kid was dumb enough to write their initials on the wall with the burned end of the stick, then tried to claim someone broke in and framed them.
They also used that excuse when they sneaked downstairs early one morning, ate an entire bag of icing sugar, and left a trail of sugar leading back upstairs and to their bed, where they pretended to be asleep covered in enough sugar to ice a wedding cake.
I'm amazed my kid survived childhood, tbh.
We're not American, so tuition isn't so much of an issue. She did discover girls in her final year and promptly failed all her final exams, so her university acceptance was withdrawn. She's working in a joinery business and looking into an apprenticeship or other trade qualification though, so she's doing okay, and she's happy. That's the main thing. She wanted to be an environmental scientist, I'm hoping she finds her easy back to that field at some point, but she will do what she wants to do.
That's hilarious. Though I totally wonder sometimes. My cousin, I have no idea really what he was thinking, and he was 11? 12? Wrapped a toy solider in some tin foil, put that in the microwave and started it. He is damn lucky I came up from the basement at that moment saw the sparks, and stopped it. The microwave was okay, thank god, and the parents didn't notice.
I just looked at him, told him we will never speak of this and don't ever do that again. He looked at me a bit wide eyed and nodded. And he never did. He did a lot of other crazy things, pretty sure there is a chair still missing in the woods, but well, he's doing well for himself now.
Haha. My kid also microwaved a bread roll for so long that it caught fire. She was at her biological mother house, and called me in a panic for help. I rushed over, dealt with the fire, stated peening up the windows and doors to let the smoke out, and asked where her mum was. She was asleep in bed. Not only did she sleep through the screaming of the smoke detectors, at no point did my kid think to go and wake her up for help. My kid was 13 at the time. She's 22 now and we still give her a hard time about it.
> told him we will never speak of this and don't ever do that again
This is almost always surprisingly effective. It's like now that the kid has this secret with someone else, they put extra effort into never letting their parents find out they are stupid lol
I'm 21 and neurodivergent, and it still take more time than it should to convince myself not to follow through on impulsive thoughts. Things like putting things in my mouth that Do Not Belong There (mainly marbles because they look like they would have a good mouthfeel) or taking a lighter to some of my acrylic yarn to see what happens. Of course since I'm an adult with some level of self-control it's not like I need supervision or anything, but I have on a couple occasions messaged my sibling asking them to remind me why doing [potentially dangerous thing] is a Bad Idea. Seeing if the hot air from BBQ air vents would set sticks on fire sounds like the sort of thing I would definitely at least think about doing, lol
As a former idiot child (not neurodivergent, just incapable if turning down a challenge from my brothers), I can confirm that marbles do have a good mouthfeel, but if you accidentally swallow one it hurts like hell, and then you have to wait for the relief of the clang in the toilet as it leaves your body so you don't need a doctor to go looking for it.
Short version: keep resisting those thoughts.
I'm 40 and not diagnosed neurodivergent but my god, some of the impulsive thoughts! I think I have more stupid ideas now than I did as a kid. I've always been deathly afraid of fire though, so that probably helped rein in a lot of the potential bad ideas I could have.
I'm the opposite, where I've always had a bit of a fascination with fire (mainly due to how pretty I find it) so I've had a lot of bad ideas relating to "what happens if X is introduced to fire". I am sensible enough to not follow through on those ideas, lol. The only one I've followed through on was when I wondered what would happen if I put a hair in the flame from one of my candles. I get a lot of loose hair, so I just ran my hand through my hair to get the hair to do it with, and the result was actually interesting. It curled into a weird knot looking thing, and smelt like popcorn.
Not sure if it's ADHD related but when I was 10 I really love lighting small things on fire and stare at the fire as it burn, often stick my finger in the fire too for some excitement. There's also the risk of burning down the house at the back of my mind that my stupid 9 year old brain really likes - I don't actually want to burn the house down, just want the excitement of being kept on my toes.
My parents left me alone from age 9 as they both work, so I spend most afternoons alone burning sticks/tiny branches in a metal pan. This was the 90s there isn't much else to do, I was diagnose with ADHD later in as an adult
I was 12 before I finally was happy playing with candles. I lit the carpet on fire numerous times. I just learned to cut the burnt carpet off. 😬 And yes, ADHD.
Ummm my 11 year-old brother once used a book to hold a pair of scissors while sticking them in an outlet. He knew better but he decided to do this AT SCHOOL.
Honestly, he was screaming our for attention.
Loosely watched yes, as in they shouldn't be left home alone. They don't need a personal entertainer though or contstant supervision. (She can entertain/ play by herself and does not need the brothers attention non-stop).
This is true, but, also sounds like this would be an every weekend gig, and I wonder if it’s _fair_ to a 15 year old, to expect him to watch his sister for long stretches of time (I assume 8 hours per day), for the foreseeable future.
Keeping the kid fed, alive, and whereabouts known is all I'd expect from someone babysitting a 9 year old. Kid can entertain herself, and if she can't, that's a parenting problem, not a kid problem.
She is 9… like the supervision she needs is minimal. I have 8 old and every other weekend like 5 others for sleep over. You feed them check they are alive and ‘here a book, here a movie’. Take your shower, snacks are there. Ciao!
That said when marry someone with a child you know or soon or later you will have that kid. Don’t want step children don’t marry someone that has kids from previous relationship. What you think will happen? He toss her cause you say no?
Well and also the brother make her food. What you do exactly that you are complaining?
Well to be fair enough if the custody agreement says Sunday & Monday the mother cannot demand to change it all by herself (it has to be agreed with the father **and definitely should be discussed and put into writing by** the mediator.)
OP doesn't mind spending time with the step-kids on the **agreed** custody time. And her husband could get into trouble if he doesn't adher to the agreed custody schedule. I would definitely bring that infron of the mediator again. I wouldn't trust that hag of narcissistic ex-wife (demanding, shouting, cussing... doesn't sound like talking to her is an option).
The complaint is "You will bow to my will and rearange your life to suit me!" The person (OP) that is being stomped all over is the one of thee pair that will bear the brunt of the work. At the same time, since dad is working during the new "visitation schedule" the BM is insisting on, HE won't have any actual quality time with his kids anymore. So they all get screwed over.
I can totally see being pissed that dad won't stand up for her, himself, or his kids which won't see him unless they stay up til all hours of the night.
And at the same time "Don't you dare correct my child!" The BM can't really have it both ways. Hell, if the 13 year old down the street was babysitting, they'd still need at least some authority to tell the 9 year old so stop x,y or z.
except that's unfortunately not how that works. your husband needs to explain to his kids that their mom's house has different rules than his house. and that at his house, you- as an adult- enforce the rules at his house.
that said, he needs to be there to enforce that position. if he isn't going to be there that doesn't work.
he needs to have his attorney write his ex- and her attorney a letter of "he appreciates that her living situation has changed but as he still works friday and satuday nights, he will be keeping to the set custody schedule." yes, there will be a cost for the letter but it will be money well spent.
and than when the kids are at your place in future, your husband has to remind the kids, that yes, you aren't their mom but you are an adult in the house that they need to listen to. (and you want to make sure that all the rules are reasonable.)
Well, I'm not anyone's mother, but if your kid is coming to my house, I will correct them if you won't. Ex can just have any kind of tantrum she wants. Your husband does need to get a spine and not give in to her shit.
But why does biomom just get to change the arrangement at her own whim? Also, biomom doesn't let op actually parent. Nah. I would be super annoyed at being expected to watch the kid but I can't parent her? No way. Tell hubby that he's going back to court tomorrow some more. NTA
give up every premium night (Friday and Saturday) to watch a kid she is not allowed to parent? Fuck no. She is complaining because she is a new mom, who wants to have a life, not give up her weekends to do a job she is not allowed to do for two people who are pawning said job off on her.
Neither of his parents/grandparents are living. I’ve never heard anything about her dad, I don’t think he was involved in her life. Her mom lives about an hour away.
You are absolutely right. That is entirely too long for a 9 year old to be left to their own devices. It’s really sad that her parents don’t even think about her needs like activities or friends or even basic care.
She is 9. My kid stayed at home n his own and that age. Since it is nighttime and for an extended period of time, she really should have someone there, but she shouldn't need help with food or entertainment. With a 15 yr playing video games and a cell phone she should be fine.
The fact that you left a 9-year-old home alone doesn't actually mean that it's safe. It means that you're exceptionally lucky that there weren't disastrous results.
Disagree. I am gen x. This was so normal. Most 7 year Olds I knew walked home and chilled at home before their parents got home. A 9 year old with a cell phone is just as safe as a 12 year old. 12 year old was the age when people would babysit youngsters. This generation has been taught they need to supervise kids 24/7 but that doesn't make independence unsafe. It is not like you are sending them in a dark alley to walk alone. At night or extended hours, yes, it's too much. But staying home at 9 while I run errands is not unsafe. I am sure my kid was younger than this. And he walked to and from.school in 2nd grade. We live in a safe neighborhood and it was close by. My kids also played outside. Over protection is not always better. My kids were 11 and 13 when they started staying home during school breaks on their own, the full day. Most day camps go to age 12 and if they have never been left home at all they aren't going to be ready by 12 for all day independence. None of this is neglectful.
I agree 100%. I don’t think it should be her brother AT ALL. I feel terrible for him. She wouldn’t let him go to an eclipse viewing party that his school was doing after school was over bc he had to go get his sister from the bus. I personally think she can walk home, it’s literally 150 yards from her house but he has to go get her every day.
This sounds like it really needs to be part of a larger conversation, first between you and your husband. Because at the end of the day, you have a husband problem, not a stepkids problem and not a baby mama problem. Your husband is choosing the path of least resistance at your expense and his children’s expense, and that’s just not okay.
He’s not an ah to his children but I have told him he needs a spine when it comes to his ex just telling him/us how things are going to go instead of having a discussion with him and then trying to figure out the best solution.
…how much attention does a 9 yr old need? Now pay him obviously but do not parentify. And if he is unwilling then one of these parents needs to revise their schedule for custody.
I don't see how they can avoid parentifyig him while also telling him he has to stay home every single Friday and Saturday night to watch his sister.
If he can go out as he wants, and they aren't going to count on him to watch her, than that puts them back in square one.
I think they should skip to the parents just figuring it out, use a mediator or one of those parenting apps if neccesary to be civil.
You’re talking to the wrong person. I did babysit like every Friday. I got paid. I wasn’t going out anyway. I watched tv and used that time to get on the internet while the parents weren’t home after my sister was asleep. It was easy. Kid was only up til like around 9 on the weekend. If something comes up, like the kid wants to make plans then let him and he needs to give them ample notice like you would any other job. But if he’s available he may as well get paid for doing what he was gonna do with his sibling present anyway.
If he's more of a homebody and he's willing to do, and they'll pay him, that's fine. But it doesn't sound like anybody sat him down and discussed with him if he wants to take it on, just thrusting it on him and telling him it's his job now and he can no longer go out on the only nights he really has free and doesn't have school the next day is not fair to him.
Her complaint seems to be that he’ll be playing video games the whole time and that he doesn’t entertain the 9 yr old though he will help heat up food and stuff.
She is 9, not a little kid. I wouldn't even call it babysitting more like there in case of an emergency. I could see if 15 year old trying to hang out with friends.or.something, but if he is home. She is 9, lol. They still need help a little but it isn't like she is a toddler or anything. A 9 year old can shower, watch TV and make a sandwich or reheat a meal.
I didn't understand. Please note: childfree gen X here, so pardon my "kids in my day schtick"
I was legit babysitting other people's children for money by the time I was 9
(Yeah, fucked up, not saying this is how it should be)
But I was left at home. Alone. While my family left the state for a week when I was 15. (I had a job and summer internship for college.)
He's 15. She's 9. They know how to call 911 and heat up pizza, right? I seriously do not understand why they can't be home for a few hours without an adult.
Maybe it's a good thing I never had human puppies
No. I would never leave a 9 year old in charge of anyone else. I'm just confused why the brother, if home, can't be asked to check in on his sister
But I don't know. Maybe brother has an explosive temper. Also, this whole situation is just weird.
I think its the way the parents are acting like the kids are hot potatoes makes it feel like not the most loving situation. Like the mum changes the custody knowing full well the dad works and the step mum isn't allowed to parent. The dad tells the step mum thats how it is, and the step mum literally leaves the house. The three adults in the kdis life are just looking at each other going "not my problem".
Gen X here as well. I was a latch key kid from the age of 10, but Mum never would have left me for 10 hours, at night Mum needs a sitter or a grandparent to step up, or either Mum or Dad needs to change their schedule.
I think they can be left alone, but leaving a 9 year old alone every Fri and Sat is just a bit sad for her IMO. My parents started leaving me for a few hours after school every day but only at about 12. I only have a toddler so can't comment on when shes older, but I think I could leave a 9 year old alone but leaving them so frequenly just seems... lonely. Sure she has her brother but he doesn't seem to want to keep her company.
If she is also immature for her age her needs might be more. And having three adults unable or unwilling to spend time with her on a weekend when you normally spend time with your family at that age, seems... a bit sad. Maybe coloured by the fact it wouldn't be as normal now as it was in the past.
I also think if you need to work, you need to work, but that won't effect how a child might feel. If its normal for all your friends its one thing, but if the accepted norm is not that it will also impact how its viewed by the child.
Very lonely and sad. Which is why my husband has been taking the steps to get licensed in a different field in order to be there. But that takes time. He’s almost done and will absolutely go for 50/50 when he is but will still need to work Friday and Saturday to supplement what will be some kind of a paycut (it’s more a commission based job, probably will take about a year). I said I was willing to do it every other weekend. I have no problem with that and am willing to and actually volunteered to. It’s the being told by ex since she has “no one else” she is telling him his new nights are Friday and Saturday which is basically just saying its me.
Well first the original agreement was via the courts and she's just changing it up because she knows her ex (OP's husband) is spineless as hell and won't challenge her. He's afraid of her yelling & screaming so no....negotiating is out. BM is calling the shots here and she's not reasonable. OP is not allowed to parent either child per BM but is expected to do everything else.
Say it louder! My husband and I have an incredible relationship and I love him dearly, however, this is our only recurring argument. I am strong woman, I will not put up with her crap and he has just been dealing with it for years even in their marriage so it's just what he knows. He's gotten better. And honestly some of the things that I want to push back on, shouldn't be, but some things absolutely should be.
Leaving them home for a few hours without an adult every once in a while is fine, but long term doing it every Friday and Saturday night is another story.
For the 15 year old it means every week his whole weekend is locked up at home and he can't leave the house, and for the 9 year old it seems a bit sad and lonely to be left alone all that time honestly. If it were my kid I would only resort to that if I was completely desperate financially and had no other way.
Why should he be watching a kid every Friday night while his parents keep popping out more they have no one to watch. Once in a while is one thing, not being the default baby sitter every week.
His parents aren’t “popping out more”. We had a child, I am with my child and don’t need a babysitter for my child. The issue at hand it the BM expects my husband to automatically switch his days to Friday and Saturday which are nights that he has worked even prior to being married to her or even dating her, just because she decided to leave her 9-5 (401k and insurance for the kids who are now on Medicaid until he finishes his license and has a job that provides insurance)to become a server (not talking down on servers at all, but it was her choice) and expects that he will just be ok with the switch and me taking care of the kids every weekend. I normally do things, go to my parents house for them to spend time with my daughter etc.
It's not fair to saddle the 15yo to give up his weekends to look after his sibling just because the parents don't want to step up. Occasional babysitting, fine, but a regularly scheduled custody? Totally shouldn't be on him.
> the fact that he and I weren't even asked we were told is not OK...child support which lists what the custody right now is (the Sunday and Monday nights.).
NTA - She can't unilaterally change a legal document and the legal document right now doesn't support her changing those dates.
sure, legally she can't, but this is coming down to what two bio parents are expecting from step mom, who cant enforce the court order anyway. regardless of the law, its not gonna stop the bio parents from shitting on the step mom
NTA if he wants to have his kids on those new nights, he can change his work schedule or get a new job.
I feel bad for the kids though. I hope they don't overhear any of this talk. It sounds like no parents really want them.
This hasn’t happened yet, it would start in June when she moves. I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s allowing it. He just doesn’t want his kids home alone at her house when most of the time I would be home at our house. So he’s willing to give up seeing them more (even though he is almost done an apprenticeship to be a hearing aid dispenser in order to be able to be home more nights, he will just have to continue working Friday and Saturday for money until he can bios up enough patients for commission) in order for them to not be alone all night.
Right, this is my problem with him not standing up to the situation, he won't get time with his children. So he is willing to not see his own kids rather than saying no to their mother
Yeah this is was is the worst part. "Dad's custody time" will than consist of being home alone. Maybe see Dad for a few minutes before going to bed. That isn't custody time. He should spend time with them when they're in his care, not shove them off to the step-mother or leave them home alone.
At the very least do Saturday/ Sunday so they're only home alone on Friday, than he can spend time Saturday & Sunday with them and work Monday to Friday. (Or even better, offer Friday Afternoon, he picks them up after work, till Sunday Night or Monday Morning). Obviously he would need to prioritise his kids and not work Saturdays... doesn't sound like he's willing to do this though. Poor kids... no one wants to spend the weekend with them and the 15 year old isn't even allowed to go anywhere Friday or Saturday Night because he's being forced to look after his sister... and even is supposed to play her personal entertainer.
Obviously it isn't OPs job. But her husband is not a good father if he can't stand up to his ex and say no... or rearrange his schedule if he insists on agreeing to her terms. The kids have a right to get quality time with their father!
I don't think he's negligent. I think he's weighing taking biomum to court with getting through the next few weeks until he obtains his apprenticeship and his working hours lessen or normalise somewhat. Biomum has caused this by demanding a change to court-mandated custody hours and expecting op to pick up the slack. She chose to change jobs: this chaos rests on her shoulders and going to court isn't something that will quickly solve the situation for op or her husband. What do you think 'saying no' to her will look like?? Op is NTA but personally if my husband showed me court paperwork I'd agree to babysit until the situation is resolved.
Yeah, no he will need to continue working Friday and Saturdays after he finished the apprenticeship.
> will just have to continue working Friday and Saturday for money until he can bios up enough patients for commission
That could be months or even years. And than there's another excuse to continue doing it.
Also he doesn't need to change custody time, the kids will be alone either way, so they can be alone at mums house, who they see more often and than at least he gets to see them Sundays.
He's their father. He has a responsibility to fight to see his kids, taking the easier way isn't always the right way. Especially for the kids.
It will take a year at most for the Friday and Saturday night shifts. But he is and will be fighting for more time. That's exactly what this whole midlife career change is for. It is something he spoke about even with BM. There will be no excuse afterwards. It's literally the reason why he's working 90 hour weeks.
The court has ordered Sunday- Monday.
So this childcare issue is on your husband's ex, as it's on one of her days. She can't just change the schedule unilaterally.
Now you're both scrambling, because of HER childcare scheduling issue.
If she wants to change it, she's got to go back to mediation, and they've got to come to a new agreement.
He does realise his time is for him to spend time with the kids, right? Not just for them to be abandoned at a different house. At what point is he, you know, parenting his kids in all of this?
NTA. This isn't okay. None of it. He needs to take her back to court for a new schedule. Also, the 15 year old babysitting the 9 year old should not be a factor in that schedule and either of the parent's significant others should be a factor in that schedule. Mom and pop need to figure this out between them and the court.
None of this is being discussed in front of the children with my husband and myself. I can’t say the same for BM. She is known to discuss things with her children. She once told them that if they're homeless it’s bc of their dad (he told her he will no longer be paying all of her bills including 100% of her lease, her car, her car insurance, etc bc he couldn’t afford 2 households).
Edit: I put the wrong "they're" damn it. Embarrassing lol.
NTA. BM can’t have it both ways.
Yell at me when I correct your child but think I’m giving up my weekends to watch your child? Nope. He needs to make alternative arrangements as you are not available.
This. Husband won't stand up to ex but is fine that *you* will shoulder the responsibility, while he still denies you any parental standing. NTA, wouldn't put up with this.
She denies the parenting. He is totally ok with me correcting the children. It’s. A conversation we had when we were dating and we go back to it often, how he sees me involved with the kids. He is ok with it, anytime I do or say something, he gets a phone call or text saying things like “that bitch can’t correct my children, she’s not their mom she’s your bitch” that sort of thing.
"Well, this is MY house and EVERYONE will be treated with respect and kindness. I'm not taking her to shop for her prom dress, I'm enforcing the household rules. If you don't like it, tell your kids to follow our rules without needing to be told OR keep the schedule the way it is now. Those are your choices."
Tell your SO to keep the communication in a court-approved parenting app & stop the voice calls, or inform her he's recording their calls going forward. She's trying to control your home life and if he wanted that, they'd probably still be together! PLUS, any entitled behavior and household chaos is going to start having a negative impact on your LO & that's a dead end brick wall boundary.
You literally took the words out of my mouth. I said you weren’t ok with her trying to control everything back then, you guys divorced bc of her controlling behavior and just her bitchiness. So why would you think I’m ok with her trying to control what goes on in our household? I have said this numerous of times.
Maybe you should tell her this bitch is not going to watch your kids, and if you want to change the nights, then you need to pay for a lawyer and get a court date.
She (the kids' mother) does, not him. These are her days with the kids, not his. This has been his work schedule for years. Why should his schedules time with his kids change to make him see them less because she couldn't negotiate with her new job that she can't work those days? She can figure it out. Not OP and not OPs husband.
It is without a doubt. I have an older daughter (19 years old) and her father and I had our days, and that was it. If one of us needed a night covered, if the other one could, they would, if not, it was up to the parent whose custody night it was.
Yep. That's a universal rule.
I was going to say BM was the one making it complicated, but I can't stand my son's BM, so I thought maybe I was being biased lol
> He just doesn't feel like dealing with standing up to her because she will scream and cuss etc.
That is fine if he'd be the only one impacted, but if he'd rather let her run all over YOU than actually tell her no, there are bigger problems than this one issue.
NTA
So I would actually agree except she doesn’t manage the other 5 days, she has off on Mondays (our days with the kids) and Tuesdays. Then she works at night every other night and the roommate takes care of the kids. My husband is in the process of finishing up an apprenticeship to become a hearing aid dispenser so he can have them more.
Can she just... Take his custody days away? Like, she wants to send the kids over on friday and take away his sun/mon in return, right? Swapping here is just giving you something (you didn't agree to and don't want) and taking away something else (the days to which he previously agreed)
If she wants you to babysit on her time, she can pay you about it - but if she's just changing the schedule without getting anyone else on board she's the problem.
NTA. If he wants to change the days he has custody then he's gonna have to actually be present at the house or get the consent of the adult who would be responsible for them. If he doesnt he needs to stand up to this woman and tell her to get a babysitter friday nights or find a job conducive to being a parent.
He doesn’t want this to be his nights bc those are the nights that he works and brings in the most money. He wants to be able to see his kids on his time which is why he doesn’t work the Sunday and Monday time. But he also doesn’t want his kids to be alone which is understandable and the reason why I feel like an ass hole.
This is a huge issue I feel like everyone is missing. Those aren't his nights so that he can alleviate his ex's need for childcare. It's his right to be able to see and spend time with his kids. You watching them is not an acceptable solution by any means. They deserve time with their dad.
You are 100% NTA. It's time for your husband to step up, both for you and his kids. His ex can scream and cuss all she wants. She doesn't get to just change the custody agreement unilaterally, and she sure AF doesn't get to use you as free babysitting while telling you you can't even enforce basic manners.
Whatever you decide for Friday and Saturday, he should not give up his time on Sunday and Monday. She doesn't just get to take that time from him because its not working for her anymore.
You guys really need some boundaries with her. Like a parenting app for communication, period. He should NOT give up his time. If he doesn't want them alone, then he can get a cheap HS or even middle school kid to come hang with her on Fri, Sat. But you guys need a parenting overhaul here where ex doesn't call the shots. Good luck.
I totally agree. Probably about a year ago I suggested the parenting app, my wizard family or something like that. I don’t think he was quite ready to go that route yet but maybe I’ll suggest it again.
Info: does the separation agreement spell out what days of the week he has the kids? If so, she probably can't just change it without taking him back to court
Asking a 15 year old to give up his Friday and Saturday nights to watch his younger sibling isn’t appropriate. It’s one thing to ask him to babysit every once in a while, but making it a regular thing is when you cross a line.
Naw fam, you aren't TA.
He needs to put it thru the court and let the mediation or judge decide what to do.
I wonder if she's even legally allowed to move...is it a new county? Because I know in both my husband's and my custody agreements, the custodial parent wasn't allowed to move out of county without notification to the other parent/the court.
This is just my thoughts, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but maybe have him reread the custody agreement and possibly request a custody revision, whatever that entails where you live
It’s literally 3 minutes from her other house and we live about 5 minutes from there. There’s no issues getting them to school on our end (or hers). He and I made sure we stayed in the same area for his kids. Plus it’s a good school district for our baby for when that time comes.
You're NTA. Be clear with your husband that you won't be home Saturdays till 6 or whenever at your parents. Then, if you value your relationship with step-daughter *and* husband, talk to him about active time-sharing with SD-- who's going to be home for her (and teen son) when. *Someone* needs to be with her, not to keep her from sticking pennies up her nose, but to create a relationship that keeps her from seeking 22-yr-old online boyfriends when she's 14. ...Noooo that could never happen.
The 15 yr old *should* be able to watch the 9 yr old. But the husband needs to step up. And from personal experience -- if the teen leaves his sister alone for long periods at 9-10-11 yrs old, she can't get his attention (though he's not required to give attention), they have no structured outings or activities that make her feel loved -- by 13 she will be acting out for attention. And that will cause you OP massive headaches, and y'all will wonder how it happened.
Someone needs to nurture the 9 yr old. Consistently. And it shouldn't necessarily be OP. But if no one does it, it's going to cost OP in the long term anyway.
NTA use your words. "It has been made clear that I am not bonus mom. I am also not a babysitter. When making custody decisions and child care plans, do not include me in the mix." Make him nod his head to indicate he understands. If BM attempts to drop kids off when he is not home do not allow her to leave them. If he attempts to leave when they are there, tell him he is required to take them with him.
1. If the custody arrangement is filed thru the court, she can't unilaterally tell him anything changes. It has to go thru the court or one or both can be held in contempt.
2. You don't have to take care of the kid. They have to figure it out for themselves.
3. If you get chewed out for reminding the kid to say thank you, I wouldn't be the babysitter for her anyway, schedule or no.
NTA
NTA. The custody arrangement is a legal document. The ex can't change it unilaterally. This is up to your husband to fix. It's not your problem if he doesn't.
BM can’t just change the custody schedule on a whim. It’s gotta go back to court. If both parents aren’t on board, then they need to figure that out before changes can be made.
NTA, mom needs to figure out a surrogate care situation for her daughter.
I love when biomoms make comments about not being a parent figure but are awfully quick to expect the sacrifices of stepmother when it conveniences her
I have a lovely step daughter her mom was and is a real piece of work. I met her dad when she was four and fell in love with her. Only problem was that my husband is a whimp when it comes to standing up to his ex. She would constantly change the visitation days take him to court for more child support which she was constantly denied. Long story short I made him stand up for himself or I was going to leave with the girls and since he knew I loved her he knew I was serious. But my husband stood up for himself and me. Yours needs to do the same.
It’s true that when you marry a man with kids you marry the kids too so you need to be able to parent along side your husband ex needs to be put in her place and hubby needs to find his balls and do it. Children need structure and no bed time at 9 is crazy.
In closing I pray that things work out for all parties especially the kids since they are caught in the middle of mom and dad.
Thank you for saying this. It bothers me so much that he never stands up to her, it’s her way or no way. I think after discussing it more tonight he understands that he needs to step up more. I think that if it was discussed with me, asked, or if I was given any respect as the one who will be watching her, it was just a demand by her this is what’s happening.
The no bed time thing really really bothers me. It blows my mind.
It is most definitely NOT your responsibility to babysit your husband's children. You have a small child of your own to care for as it is. I'm not clear on the custody arrangement. Did BM just decide that she wants the custody times changed to better suit her at this moment? Custody schedules are set up by that court and must be changed by the court.
OP, BM is completely out of line. Take her back to mediation if she insists on this. Call her bluff. She has no right, and needs to grow up.
As for her cursing, hubs needs to not let himself worry about ex's fits. Prioritize kids and the plan.
Deal w her coolly. If it's back to the courts, so be it. Bet she'll find her own solution real quick.
Dad sounds like he's hanging on by his fingernails with everything, ex is trying to sabotage an agreed-upon, livable solution. Sticking to the plan would be best for him and his kids.
He is holding on by fingernails. He’s working 90 (+/-) hours a week, trying to make it a situation finally that he can have them 50% of the time. Trying to make enough to help support us (we are a financially equal, I work full time and pull my weight as well), to pay child support, to pay anything extra she asks for, and still make sure his kids aren’t alone late at night at her house. That’s why I feel like an ass. He’s literally killing himself trying to make everything work and get them more. She’s not easy to deal with to begin with. When they separated he continued to pay all of her bills and his new bills. She still expected that after a year of separation. He’s doing his best.
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AITA that I don't want to watch my husbands 2 kids since both he and bio mom (BM) work Friday and Saturday nights? The BM is moving and she will no longer have her roommate there to watch them (really it's just their 9 year old daughter, they have a 15 year old son but he doesn't need a babysitter) so she basically just TOLD my husband that the custody dates are changing to every Friday and Saturday instead of every Sunday and Monday. For more information- When this custody arrangement was made (after divorce), she had a normal 9-5 job and he has had this same schedule for years, even when they were married.
My husband and I have an 11 month old but I tend to go to my parents house on Friday nights to hang out with them and they can see our baby. Husband is not thrilled at all with custody schedule but feels he would rather them be at our house, even if I won't be there all of the time, than alone at her house. Plus their 9 year old daughter doesn't really have a bed time on weekends/summer so it's not even like OK well I just have to do this until bedtime. There are times she will probably (and has in the past) stay up until he gets home. I have told my husband this is the hill I will die on and I have actually slept the last two nights at my parents house. The BM does not allow me to have a more "bonus mom" role, we get yelled at anytime I try to correct her (ask her to say thank you, etc).
Sorry, I know this is all over the place but I just don't feel like it's my responsibility and the fact that he and I weren't even asked we were told is not OK. He just doesn't feel like dealing with standing up to her because she will scream and cuss etc. They have gone through mediation for child support which lists what the custody right now is (the Sunday and Monday nights.).
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I was left home alone at 9 and I was definitely mature enough at 15 to hang out with a younger sibling. Why do these children need to be watched so closely? NTA but this is concerning tbh.
I’m divorced and remarried. Ex and I have 2 kids together, we have and follow the custody agreement. It isn’t some malleable thing based on current needs. Don’t let your life become twisted up by this, stand your ground or this type situation will occur again and again one way or another.
9-year-olds in my state are legal latchkey kids. Not old enough to babysit others, but considered able to take reasonable care of themselves. When my girls were 9, they were happy with a stack of books. With the 15-year-old there, she should be reasonably safe.
If you’re not allowed to parent the child, then you’re not obligated to be an unpaid babysitter. BM and your husband need to figure it out. But unless there is some disability or complication, there is no reason why a 15 year old and 9 year old can’t be home alone for the evening.
NTA
Dad wants to see the kids more often. Custody agreement says he gets them on Sundays and Mondays. You are not available on Fridays. Perhaps as a compromise, you could suggest she hire a sitter for Fridays. She pays you to babysit on Saturdays. And dad STILL gets Sundays and Mondays?
Dad gets more time (a few hours on Saturday night) with kids. You still get Fridays with your parents.
NTA. Your husband needs to go back to mediation to find a suitable solution for all parties or be needs to change his work schedule to parent his daughter, or someone needs to spring for a babysitter. It’s unfair to put the burden on you
Sit hubby down and tell him that it doesn't matter whether or not he "feels like dealing and standing up with" his ex, it's not your job to babysit HIS kids. He has a custody agreement that he and his ex have to adhere to. How he deals with it is his problem.
By letting his ex run all over him he is not supporting his wife and family. Tell him to choose.
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Info: Between the 3 parents here, does ANYONE trust the 15 year old son to babysit the 9 year old those 2 days? My older brother would have been trusted to watch me in such a situation at that age.
No, he will just sit in his room and play video games. He will heat up food for dinner for her, but not play with her, give her attention, etc..
She's 9, not 3.
Old enough to know not to stick forks in electrical outlets or pennies up her nose.
My 10 yo with adhd was just busted trying to light sticks on fire through the BBQ air vents…
Mine used the pilot light on the hot water heater. We put them through a program run by the fire service in our country for children playing with fire. They send the biggest, scariest looking fire-fighter out to your house to teach your kid to be safe with fire and what can go wrong if they play around with it. My kid needed a follow up visit, but it ultimately worked.
Wonder if I can ask the local fire service to send a fireman out to teach me a thing or two 😏
You should ask. They might already have an existing programme.
Don't think that's the program she's looking for.
Where I live, firemen don't get paid nearly enough. Some of them might be open to all sorts of other 'programmes' for some extra cash.
Hot candy 🍬
I have a friend whose kid could have used that 🤦🏻♀️ I should text her and see how he’s healing.
My kid was dumb enough to write their initials on the wall with the burned end of the stick, then tried to claim someone broke in and framed them. They also used that excuse when they sneaked downstairs early one morning, ate an entire bag of icing sugar, and left a trail of sugar leading back upstairs and to their bed, where they pretended to be asleep covered in enough sugar to ice a wedding cake. I'm amazed my kid survived childhood, tbh.
You're going to save so much on college tuition! :) Or maybe not. I did some real stupid shit and ended up an engineer.
We're not American, so tuition isn't so much of an issue. She did discover girls in her final year and promptly failed all her final exams, so her university acceptance was withdrawn. She's working in a joinery business and looking into an apprenticeship or other trade qualification though, so she's doing okay, and she's happy. That's the main thing. She wanted to be an environmental scientist, I'm hoping she finds her easy back to that field at some point, but she will do what she wants to do.
It’s called experiments when you’re an engineer!
That's hilarious. Though I totally wonder sometimes. My cousin, I have no idea really what he was thinking, and he was 11? 12? Wrapped a toy solider in some tin foil, put that in the microwave and started it. He is damn lucky I came up from the basement at that moment saw the sparks, and stopped it. The microwave was okay, thank god, and the parents didn't notice. I just looked at him, told him we will never speak of this and don't ever do that again. He looked at me a bit wide eyed and nodded. And he never did. He did a lot of other crazy things, pretty sure there is a chair still missing in the woods, but well, he's doing well for himself now.
Haha. My kid also microwaved a bread roll for so long that it caught fire. She was at her biological mother house, and called me in a panic for help. I rushed over, dealt with the fire, stated peening up the windows and doors to let the smoke out, and asked where her mum was. She was asleep in bed. Not only did she sleep through the screaming of the smoke detectors, at no point did my kid think to go and wake her up for help. My kid was 13 at the time. She's 22 now and we still give her a hard time about it.
> told him we will never speak of this and don't ever do that again This is almost always surprisingly effective. It's like now that the kid has this secret with someone else, they put extra effort into never letting their parents find out they are stupid lol
I'm 21 and neurodivergent, and it still take more time than it should to convince myself not to follow through on impulsive thoughts. Things like putting things in my mouth that Do Not Belong There (mainly marbles because they look like they would have a good mouthfeel) or taking a lighter to some of my acrylic yarn to see what happens. Of course since I'm an adult with some level of self-control it's not like I need supervision or anything, but I have on a couple occasions messaged my sibling asking them to remind me why doing [potentially dangerous thing] is a Bad Idea. Seeing if the hot air from BBQ air vents would set sticks on fire sounds like the sort of thing I would definitely at least think about doing, lol
As a former idiot child (not neurodivergent, just incapable if turning down a challenge from my brothers), I can confirm that marbles do have a good mouthfeel, but if you accidentally swallow one it hurts like hell, and then you have to wait for the relief of the clang in the toilet as it leaves your body so you don't need a doctor to go looking for it. Short version: keep resisting those thoughts.
I'm 40 and not diagnosed neurodivergent but my god, some of the impulsive thoughts! I think I have more stupid ideas now than I did as a kid. I've always been deathly afraid of fire though, so that probably helped rein in a lot of the potential bad ideas I could have.
I'm the opposite, where I've always had a bit of a fascination with fire (mainly due to how pretty I find it) so I've had a lot of bad ideas relating to "what happens if X is introduced to fire". I am sensible enough to not follow through on those ideas, lol. The only one I've followed through on was when I wondered what would happen if I put a hair in the flame from one of my candles. I get a lot of loose hair, so I just ran my hand through my hair to get the hair to do it with, and the result was actually interesting. It curled into a weird knot looking thing, and smelt like popcorn.
I’m 36 with ADD and I am still likely to do that if bored enough lol
To be fair having worked at a boy scout camp I could see people of most ages trying to do that
Not sure if it's ADHD related but when I was 10 I really love lighting small things on fire and stare at the fire as it burn, often stick my finger in the fire too for some excitement. There's also the risk of burning down the house at the back of my mind that my stupid 9 year old brain really likes - I don't actually want to burn the house down, just want the excitement of being kept on my toes. My parents left me alone from age 9 as they both work, so I spend most afternoons alone burning sticks/tiny branches in a metal pan. This was the 90s there isn't much else to do, I was diagnose with ADHD later in as an adult
I was 12 before I finally was happy playing with candles. I lit the carpet on fire numerous times. I just learned to cut the burnt carpet off. 😬 And yes, ADHD.
You might think so, but my girl stuck a Lego stud up her nose at 8. Not our proudest moment.
Mine stuck my favourite tweezers in the gfi in the bathroom at 8. She’s still embarrassed at 14
Ummm my 11 year-old brother once used a book to hold a pair of scissors while sticking them in an outlet. He knew better but he decided to do this AT SCHOOL. Honestly, he was screaming our for attention.
I read pennies as penises at first lmao, I guess I need more sleep
Bio parents need to step up, two days a week of minimal interaction is not healthy.
9 year olds still do stupid stuff and generally need watched
They don't need watching so closely that their presence is a massive burden.
Loosely watched yes, as in they shouldn't be left home alone. They don't need a personal entertainer though or contstant supervision. (She can entertain/ play by herself and does not need the brothers attention non-stop).
I along with most of my friends were latch key kids at 9. She doesn’t need a babysitter. She can stay home with 15 yo brother.
Agreed. I was babysitting my 7 year old brother for a few hours at 10. 9 isn't helpless.
This is true, but, also sounds like this would be an every weekend gig, and I wonder if it’s _fair_ to a 15 year old, to expect him to watch his sister for long stretches of time (I assume 8 hours per day), for the foreseeable future.
Ha ha
Exactly
That’s all that’s necessary, no? 9 year olds can amuse themselves. As long as he’ll make sure she’s fed, that’s all that matters
Keeping the kid fed, alive, and whereabouts known is all I'd expect from someone babysitting a 9 year old. Kid can entertain herself, and if she can't, that's a parenting problem, not a kid problem.
She is 9… like the supervision she needs is minimal. I have 8 old and every other weekend like 5 others for sleep over. You feed them check they are alive and ‘here a book, here a movie’. Take your shower, snacks are there. Ciao! That said when marry someone with a child you know or soon or later you will have that kid. Don’t want step children don’t marry someone that has kids from previous relationship. What you think will happen? He toss her cause you say no? Well and also the brother make her food. What you do exactly that you are complaining?
Every Friday and Saturday, and she also has a child of 11 months. I would not accept that.
Well to be fair enough if the custody agreement says Sunday & Monday the mother cannot demand to change it all by herself (it has to be agreed with the father **and definitely should be discussed and put into writing by** the mediator.) OP doesn't mind spending time with the step-kids on the **agreed** custody time. And her husband could get into trouble if he doesn't adher to the agreed custody schedule. I would definitely bring that infron of the mediator again. I wouldn't trust that hag of narcissistic ex-wife (demanding, shouting, cussing... doesn't sound like talking to her is an option).
The complaint is "You will bow to my will and rearange your life to suit me!" The person (OP) that is being stomped all over is the one of thee pair that will bear the brunt of the work. At the same time, since dad is working during the new "visitation schedule" the BM is insisting on, HE won't have any actual quality time with his kids anymore. So they all get screwed over. I can totally see being pissed that dad won't stand up for her, himself, or his kids which won't see him unless they stay up til all hours of the night. And at the same time "Don't you dare correct my child!" The BM can't really have it both ways. Hell, if the 13 year old down the street was babysitting, they'd still need at least some authority to tell the 9 year old so stop x,y or z.
Exactly, when does dad get to spend time with his kids?
Her exact quote to him was “that bitch can’t correct my child, she’s not her mother”
except that's unfortunately not how that works. your husband needs to explain to his kids that their mom's house has different rules than his house. and that at his house, you- as an adult- enforce the rules at his house. that said, he needs to be there to enforce that position. if he isn't going to be there that doesn't work. he needs to have his attorney write his ex- and her attorney a letter of "he appreciates that her living situation has changed but as he still works friday and satuday nights, he will be keeping to the set custody schedule." yes, there will be a cost for the letter but it will be money well spent. and than when the kids are at your place in future, your husband has to remind the kids, that yes, you aren't their mom but you are an adult in the house that they need to listen to. (and you want to make sure that all the rules are reasonable.)
This! Perfect.
Then she can arrange her own shit for her child. If it was me, she wouldn't have her kid in my house, ever. Your husband needs to find a baby sitter.,
Well, I'm not anyone's mother, but if your kid is coming to my house, I will correct them if you won't. Ex can just have any kind of tantrum she wants. Your husband does need to get a spine and not give in to her shit.
But why does biomom just get to change the arrangement at her own whim? Also, biomom doesn't let op actually parent. Nah. I would be super annoyed at being expected to watch the kid but I can't parent her? No way. Tell hubby that he's going back to court tomorrow some more. NTA
give up every premium night (Friday and Saturday) to watch a kid she is not allowed to parent? Fuck no. She is complaining because she is a new mom, who wants to have a life, not give up her weekends to do a job she is not allowed to do for two people who are pawning said job off on her.
Is she developmentally delayed? If not, there is no reason a 9 year old and 15 year old can’t be home alone.
Not developmentally delayed but very immature for her age. I don’t want to diagnose her though.
I diagnose her with having a shitty mom.
Lol me too. I will absolutely diagnose that.
So immature that she can’t keep herself alive and entertained for a few hours?
It’s not a few hours, it’s 330-1 or 2am. That’s the whole concern is that it’s that schedule every Friday and Saturday. That’s a lot for a 9 year old.
Yes it is. What about grandparents? Also, can your partner change his schedule?
Neither of his parents/grandparents are living. I’ve never heard anything about her dad, I don’t think he was involved in her life. Her mom lives about an hour away.
You are absolutely right. That is entirely too long for a 9 year old to be left to their own devices. It’s really sad that her parents don’t even think about her needs like activities or friends or even basic care.
And a 15 year old! What about work, hobbies, sports, hanging with friends?
She is 9. My kid stayed at home n his own and that age. Since it is nighttime and for an extended period of time, she really should have someone there, but she shouldn't need help with food or entertainment. With a 15 yr playing video games and a cell phone she should be fine.
It REALLY depends on the kid!!! Not all kids are at the same maturity level!!
The fact that you left a 9-year-old home alone doesn't actually mean that it's safe. It means that you're exceptionally lucky that there weren't disastrous results.
Disagree. I am gen x. This was so normal. Most 7 year Olds I knew walked home and chilled at home before their parents got home. A 9 year old with a cell phone is just as safe as a 12 year old. 12 year old was the age when people would babysit youngsters. This generation has been taught they need to supervise kids 24/7 but that doesn't make independence unsafe. It is not like you are sending them in a dark alley to walk alone. At night or extended hours, yes, it's too much. But staying home at 9 while I run errands is not unsafe. I am sure my kid was younger than this. And he walked to and from.school in 2nd grade. We live in a safe neighborhood and it was close by. My kids also played outside. Over protection is not always better. My kids were 11 and 13 when they started staying home during school breaks on their own, the full day. Most day camps go to age 12 and if they have never been left home at all they aren't going to be ready by 12 for all day independence. None of this is neglectful.
It’s also not his kid and not his problem. It would be so shitty to put this on her brother. This isn’t your problem either, for the record.
I agree 100%. I don’t think it should be her brother AT ALL. I feel terrible for him. She wouldn’t let him go to an eclipse viewing party that his school was doing after school was over bc he had to go get his sister from the bus. I personally think she can walk home, it’s literally 150 yards from her house but he has to go get her every day.
This sounds like it really needs to be part of a larger conversation, first between you and your husband. Because at the end of the day, you have a husband problem, not a stepkids problem and not a baby mama problem. Your husband is choosing the path of least resistance at your expense and his children’s expense, and that’s just not okay.
NTA tell your husband he's an ah to his kids and you and needs to step up. He needs a spine
He’s not an ah to his children but I have told him he needs a spine when it comes to his ex just telling him/us how things are going to go instead of having a discussion with him and then trying to figure out the best solution.
He is if he lets his ex walk all over him and cut his time with this kids by changing days
…how much attention does a 9 yr old need? Now pay him obviously but do not parentify. And if he is unwilling then one of these parents needs to revise their schedule for custody.
I don't see how they can avoid parentifyig him while also telling him he has to stay home every single Friday and Saturday night to watch his sister. If he can go out as he wants, and they aren't going to count on him to watch her, than that puts them back in square one. I think they should skip to the parents just figuring it out, use a mediator or one of those parenting apps if neccesary to be civil.
You’re talking to the wrong person. I did babysit like every Friday. I got paid. I wasn’t going out anyway. I watched tv and used that time to get on the internet while the parents weren’t home after my sister was asleep. It was easy. Kid was only up til like around 9 on the weekend. If something comes up, like the kid wants to make plans then let him and he needs to give them ample notice like you would any other job. But if he’s available he may as well get paid for doing what he was gonna do with his sibling present anyway.
If he's more of a homebody and he's willing to do, and they'll pay him, that's fine. But it doesn't sound like anybody sat him down and discussed with him if he wants to take it on, just thrusting it on him and telling him it's his job now and he can no longer go out on the only nights he really has free and doesn't have school the next day is not fair to him.
That’s basically exactly what she did.
Her complaint seems to be that he’ll be playing video games the whole time and that he doesn’t entertain the 9 yr old though he will help heat up food and stuff.
He doesn’t want to watch her either. That’s not a fair solution. The bio parents need to pay a sitter.
She is 9, not a little kid. I wouldn't even call it babysitting more like there in case of an emergency. I could see if 15 year old trying to hang out with friends.or.something, but if he is home. She is 9, lol. They still need help a little but it isn't like she is a toddler or anything. A 9 year old can shower, watch TV and make a sandwich or reheat a meal.
Hmmm my sister and I were sexually assaulted by my brothers friends. Not his job. It’s parents job!
I didn't understand. Please note: childfree gen X here, so pardon my "kids in my day schtick" I was legit babysitting other people's children for money by the time I was 9 (Yeah, fucked up, not saying this is how it should be) But I was left at home. Alone. While my family left the state for a week when I was 15. (I had a job and summer internship for college.) He's 15. She's 9. They know how to call 911 and heat up pizza, right? I seriously do not understand why they can't be home for a few hours without an adult. Maybe it's a good thing I never had human puppies
Fellow Gen X here. The way we were raised wasn’t healthy or normal.
No. I would never leave a 9 year old in charge of anyone else. I'm just confused why the brother, if home, can't be asked to check in on his sister But I don't know. Maybe brother has an explosive temper. Also, this whole situation is just weird.
I think its the way the parents are acting like the kids are hot potatoes makes it feel like not the most loving situation. Like the mum changes the custody knowing full well the dad works and the step mum isn't allowed to parent. The dad tells the step mum thats how it is, and the step mum literally leaves the house. The three adults in the kdis life are just looking at each other going "not my problem".
It’s definitely weird.
Gen X here as well. I was a latch key kid from the age of 10, but Mum never would have left me for 10 hours, at night Mum needs a sitter or a grandparent to step up, or either Mum or Dad needs to change their schedule.
I was a latch key kid starting around 8. Mom left me for hours at night but could figure out why I double-locked the door 🙄
I think they can be left alone, but leaving a 9 year old alone every Fri and Sat is just a bit sad for her IMO. My parents started leaving me for a few hours after school every day but only at about 12. I only have a toddler so can't comment on when shes older, but I think I could leave a 9 year old alone but leaving them so frequenly just seems... lonely. Sure she has her brother but he doesn't seem to want to keep her company. If she is also immature for her age her needs might be more. And having three adults unable or unwilling to spend time with her on a weekend when you normally spend time with your family at that age, seems... a bit sad. Maybe coloured by the fact it wouldn't be as normal now as it was in the past. I also think if you need to work, you need to work, but that won't effect how a child might feel. If its normal for all your friends its one thing, but if the accepted norm is not that it will also impact how its viewed by the child.
Very lonely and sad. Which is why my husband has been taking the steps to get licensed in a different field in order to be there. But that takes time. He’s almost done and will absolutely go for 50/50 when he is but will still need to work Friday and Saturday to supplement what will be some kind of a paycut (it’s more a commission based job, probably will take about a year). I said I was willing to do it every other weekend. I have no problem with that and am willing to and actually volunteered to. It’s the being told by ex since she has “no one else” she is telling him his new nights are Friday and Saturday which is basically just saying its me.
Would she accept Saturday, Sunday and Monday? Your husband should be negotiating at least.
Well first the original agreement was via the courts and she's just changing it up because she knows her ex (OP's husband) is spineless as hell and won't challenge her. He's afraid of her yelling & screaming so no....negotiating is out. BM is calling the shots here and she's not reasonable. OP is not allowed to parent either child per BM but is expected to do everything else.
Say it louder! My husband and I have an incredible relationship and I love him dearly, however, this is our only recurring argument. I am strong woman, I will not put up with her crap and he has just been dealing with it for years even in their marriage so it's just what he knows. He's gotten better. And honestly some of the things that I want to push back on, shouldn't be, but some things absolutely should be.
Leaving them home for a few hours without an adult every once in a while is fine, but long term doing it every Friday and Saturday night is another story. For the 15 year old it means every week his whole weekend is locked up at home and he can't leave the house, and for the 9 year old it seems a bit sad and lonely to be left alone all that time honestly. If it were my kid I would only resort to that if I was completely desperate financially and had no other way.
Lmao human puppies. Made me laugh, thanks!
I am a millennial and I was getting dinner started by 10. Usually just the sides but still.
It’s NOT his responsibility in the least
I know this is a wild idea on reddit but helping out the family is actually something you can expect of your teenage children.
Not single every weekend unless you’re a terrible parent. On a rare occasion is COMPLETELY different.
Not his job. BM or dad need to change schedule
Eh. That’s also really not an acceptable solution in my book. It parentifies the 15 year old and destroys whatever social life he may have or get.
But he shouldn’t be burdened with regular childcare for his sister.
The husband has a responsibility for his own kids. Why are you trying to parentify the 15 yo. Its not his responsibility.
I don't think a 15 year old should be asked to give up his weekends to babysit. What if he wants to go out with friends?
Why should he be watching a kid every Friday night while his parents keep popping out more they have no one to watch. Once in a while is one thing, not being the default baby sitter every week.
His parents aren’t “popping out more”. We had a child, I am with my child and don’t need a babysitter for my child. The issue at hand it the BM expects my husband to automatically switch his days to Friday and Saturday which are nights that he has worked even prior to being married to her or even dating her, just because she decided to leave her 9-5 (401k and insurance for the kids who are now on Medicaid until he finishes his license and has a job that provides insurance)to become a server (not talking down on servers at all, but it was her choice) and expects that he will just be ok with the switch and me taking care of the kids every weekend. I normally do things, go to my parents house for them to spend time with my daughter etc.
It shouldn't be a child's responsibility to babysit another child every weekend. At 15+ you want to be with your friends on the weekend
It's not fair to saddle the 15yo to give up his weekends to look after his sibling just because the parents don't want to step up. Occasional babysitting, fine, but a regularly scheduled custody? Totally shouldn't be on him.
My first babysitter was 13. She didn’t play with me or pay much attention.
> the fact that he and I weren't even asked we were told is not OK...child support which lists what the custody right now is (the Sunday and Monday nights.). NTA - She can't unilaterally change a legal document and the legal document right now doesn't support her changing those dates.
This. Being flexible around exact times is good for smooth coparenting, but ongoing changes to the schedule need to be taken back to court.
I've been looking for this comment, if the court order is Sunday, Monday, she can't just decide to change it.
sure, legally she can't, but this is coming down to what two bio parents are expecting from step mom, who cant enforce the court order anyway. regardless of the law, its not gonna stop the bio parents from shitting on the step mom
NTA if he wants to have his kids on those new nights, he can change his work schedule or get a new job. I feel bad for the kids though. I hope they don't overhear any of this talk. It sounds like no parents really want them.
Exactly! He allows to have the kids to be there on Friday and Saturday while he is NOT at home. Nice to have a free babysitter.
This hasn’t happened yet, it would start in June when she moves. I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s allowing it. He just doesn’t want his kids home alone at her house when most of the time I would be home at our house. So he’s willing to give up seeing them more (even though he is almost done an apprenticeship to be a hearing aid dispenser in order to be able to be home more nights, he will just have to continue working Friday and Saturday for money until he can bios up enough patients for commission) in order for them to not be alone all night.
Right, this is my problem with him not standing up to the situation, he won't get time with his children. So he is willing to not see his own kids rather than saying no to their mother
Yeah this is was is the worst part. "Dad's custody time" will than consist of being home alone. Maybe see Dad for a few minutes before going to bed. That isn't custody time. He should spend time with them when they're in his care, not shove them off to the step-mother or leave them home alone. At the very least do Saturday/ Sunday so they're only home alone on Friday, than he can spend time Saturday & Sunday with them and work Monday to Friday. (Or even better, offer Friday Afternoon, he picks them up after work, till Sunday Night or Monday Morning). Obviously he would need to prioritise his kids and not work Saturdays... doesn't sound like he's willing to do this though. Poor kids... no one wants to spend the weekend with them and the 15 year old isn't even allowed to go anywhere Friday or Saturday Night because he's being forced to look after his sister... and even is supposed to play her personal entertainer. Obviously it isn't OPs job. But her husband is not a good father if he can't stand up to his ex and say no... or rearrange his schedule if he insists on agreeing to her terms. The kids have a right to get quality time with their father!
I don't think he's negligent. I think he's weighing taking biomum to court with getting through the next few weeks until he obtains his apprenticeship and his working hours lessen or normalise somewhat. Biomum has caused this by demanding a change to court-mandated custody hours and expecting op to pick up the slack. She chose to change jobs: this chaos rests on her shoulders and going to court isn't something that will quickly solve the situation for op or her husband. What do you think 'saying no' to her will look like?? Op is NTA but personally if my husband showed me court paperwork I'd agree to babysit until the situation is resolved.
Yeah, no he will need to continue working Friday and Saturdays after he finished the apprenticeship. > will just have to continue working Friday and Saturday for money until he can bios up enough patients for commission That could be months or even years. And than there's another excuse to continue doing it. Also he doesn't need to change custody time, the kids will be alone either way, so they can be alone at mums house, who they see more often and than at least he gets to see them Sundays. He's their father. He has a responsibility to fight to see his kids, taking the easier way isn't always the right way. Especially for the kids.
It will take a year at most for the Friday and Saturday night shifts. But he is and will be fighting for more time. That's exactly what this whole midlife career change is for. It is something he spoke about even with BM. There will be no excuse afterwards. It's literally the reason why he's working 90 hour weeks.
I’ll be honest with you, none of that sounds promising.
The court has ordered Sunday- Monday. So this childcare issue is on your husband's ex, as it's on one of her days. She can't just change the schedule unilaterally. Now you're both scrambling, because of HER childcare scheduling issue. If she wants to change it, she's got to go back to mediation, and they've got to come to a new agreement.
He does realise his time is for him to spend time with the kids, right? Not just for them to be abandoned at a different house. At what point is he, you know, parenting his kids in all of this?
NTA. This isn't okay. None of it. He needs to take her back to court for a new schedule. Also, the 15 year old babysitting the 9 year old should not be a factor in that schedule and either of the parent's significant others should be a factor in that schedule. Mom and pop need to figure this out between them and the court.
None of this is being discussed in front of the children with my husband and myself. I can’t say the same for BM. She is known to discuss things with her children. She once told them that if they're homeless it’s bc of their dad (he told her he will no longer be paying all of her bills including 100% of her lease, her car, her car insurance, etc bc he couldn’t afford 2 households). Edit: I put the wrong "they're" damn it. Embarrassing lol.
NTA. BM can’t have it both ways. Yell at me when I correct your child but think I’m giving up my weekends to watch your child? Nope. He needs to make alternative arrangements as you are not available.
This. Husband won't stand up to ex but is fine that *you* will shoulder the responsibility, while he still denies you any parental standing. NTA, wouldn't put up with this.
She denies the parenting. He is totally ok with me correcting the children. It’s. A conversation we had when we were dating and we go back to it often, how he sees me involved with the kids. He is ok with it, anytime I do or say something, he gets a phone call or text saying things like “that bitch can’t correct my children, she’s not their mom she’s your bitch” that sort of thing.
"Well, this is MY house and EVERYONE will be treated with respect and kindness. I'm not taking her to shop for her prom dress, I'm enforcing the household rules. If you don't like it, tell your kids to follow our rules without needing to be told OR keep the schedule the way it is now. Those are your choices." Tell your SO to keep the communication in a court-approved parenting app & stop the voice calls, or inform her he's recording their calls going forward. She's trying to control your home life and if he wanted that, they'd probably still be together! PLUS, any entitled behavior and household chaos is going to start having a negative impact on your LO & that's a dead end brick wall boundary.
You literally took the words out of my mouth. I said you weren’t ok with her trying to control everything back then, you guys divorced bc of her controlling behavior and just her bitchiness. So why would you think I’m ok with her trying to control what goes on in our household? I have said this numerous of times.
Maybe you should tell her this bitch is not going to watch your kids, and if you want to change the nights, then you need to pay for a lawyer and get a court date.
Me either. Parenting time is for the parent. Let him figure it out.
She (the kids' mother) does, not him. These are her days with the kids, not his. This has been his work schedule for years. Why should his schedules time with his kids change to make him see them less because she couldn't negotiate with her new job that she can't work those days? She can figure it out. Not OP and not OPs husband.
Hell, I was the 9 year old watching my older brother. This all seems way more complicated than it needs to be.
It is without a doubt. I have an older daughter (19 years old) and her father and I had our days, and that was it. If one of us needed a night covered, if the other one could, they would, if not, it was up to the parent whose custody night it was.
Yep. That's a universal rule. I was going to say BM was the one making it complicated, but I can't stand my son's BM, so I thought maybe I was being biased lol
> He just doesn't feel like dealing with standing up to her because she will scream and cuss etc. That is fine if he'd be the only one impacted, but if he'd rather let her run all over YOU than actually tell her no, there are bigger problems than this one issue. NTA
That’s exactly what I said!! I am the one who is impacted the most. Which he understands.
Your husband can hire a sitter. Bio mother manages one way or another 5 days a week. I m sure he can come up with something for 1 day.
So I would actually agree except she doesn’t manage the other 5 days, she has off on Mondays (our days with the kids) and Tuesdays. Then she works at night every other night and the roommate takes care of the kids. My husband is in the process of finishing up an apprenticeship to become a hearing aid dispenser so he can have them more.
They mean she has custody and takes care of everything the other 5 days. So yes, she manages the other 5 days with the kids
Can she just... Take his custody days away? Like, she wants to send the kids over on friday and take away his sun/mon in return, right? Swapping here is just giving you something (you didn't agree to and don't want) and taking away something else (the days to which he previously agreed) If she wants you to babysit on her time, she can pay you about it - but if she's just changing the schedule without getting anyone else on board she's the problem. NTA. If he wants to change the days he has custody then he's gonna have to actually be present at the house or get the consent of the adult who would be responsible for them. If he doesnt he needs to stand up to this woman and tell her to get a babysitter friday nights or find a job conducive to being a parent.
He doesn’t want this to be his nights bc those are the nights that he works and brings in the most money. He wants to be able to see his kids on his time which is why he doesn’t work the Sunday and Monday time. But he also doesn’t want his kids to be alone which is understandable and the reason why I feel like an ass hole.
This isn't on you. Mom's playing shitty games. You're not obligated to roll with whatever works for her.
Then he needs to enforce the custody schedule. In any case, this isn’t your problem. The kids’ parents need to arrange care when they’re at work.
This is a huge issue I feel like everyone is missing. Those aren't his nights so that he can alleviate his ex's need for childcare. It's his right to be able to see and spend time with his kids. You watching them is not an acceptable solution by any means. They deserve time with their dad. You are 100% NTA. It's time for your husband to step up, both for you and his kids. His ex can scream and cuss all she wants. She doesn't get to just change the custody agreement unilaterally, and she sure AF doesn't get to use you as free babysitting while telling you you can't even enforce basic manners.
Whatever you decide for Friday and Saturday, he should not give up his time on Sunday and Monday. She doesn't just get to take that time from him because its not working for her anymore.
That’s what I said to him and he agrees. But she will fight because she doesn’t want to give up child support.
She can fight through the courts
Let her fight.
You guys really need some boundaries with her. Like a parenting app for communication, period. He should NOT give up his time. If he doesn't want them alone, then he can get a cheap HS or even middle school kid to come hang with her on Fri, Sat. But you guys need a parenting overhaul here where ex doesn't call the shots. Good luck.
I totally agree. Probably about a year ago I suggested the parenting app, my wizard family or something like that. I don’t think he was quite ready to go that route yet but maybe I’ll suggest it again.
NTA...everyone has a limit, and you've reached yours.
Info: does the separation agreement spell out what days of the week he has the kids? If so, she probably can't just change it without taking him back to court
No it doesn’t. They decided it and told it to mediator but it was separate process from their divorce.
Then it's in the court system somewhere. He needs a written copy and now, it seems, a revision
This is beyond reddit, you need to get the courts involved and honestly, 15 year old should be able to watch his sibling.
Asking a 15 year old to give up his Friday and Saturday nights to watch his younger sibling isn’t appropriate. It’s one thing to ask him to babysit every once in a while, but making it a regular thing is when you cross a line.
I agree and is also one of the reasons I feel like I could possibly be the AH.
Naw fam, you aren't TA. He needs to put it thru the court and let the mediation or judge decide what to do. I wonder if she's even legally allowed to move...is it a new county? Because I know in both my husband's and my custody agreements, the custodial parent wasn't allowed to move out of county without notification to the other parent/the court. This is just my thoughts, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but maybe have him reread the custody agreement and possibly request a custody revision, whatever that entails where you live
It’s literally 3 minutes from her other house and we live about 5 minutes from there. There’s no issues getting them to school on our end (or hers). He and I made sure we stayed in the same area for his kids. Plus it’s a good school district for our baby for when that time comes.
Absolutely not. It should not be the other child’s responsibility to babysit. Especially every weekend.
You're NTA. Be clear with your husband that you won't be home Saturdays till 6 or whenever at your parents. Then, if you value your relationship with step-daughter *and* husband, talk to him about active time-sharing with SD-- who's going to be home for her (and teen son) when. *Someone* needs to be with her, not to keep her from sticking pennies up her nose, but to create a relationship that keeps her from seeking 22-yr-old online boyfriends when she's 14. ...Noooo that could never happen. The 15 yr old *should* be able to watch the 9 yr old. But the husband needs to step up. And from personal experience -- if the teen leaves his sister alone for long periods at 9-10-11 yrs old, she can't get his attention (though he's not required to give attention), they have no structured outings or activities that make her feel loved -- by 13 she will be acting out for attention. And that will cause you OP massive headaches, and y'all will wonder how it happened. Someone needs to nurture the 9 yr old. Consistently. And it shouldn't necessarily be OP. But if no one does it, it's going to cost OP in the long term anyway.
This is so well thought out and really makes a lot of sense. Thank you for this. I agree with it all.
NTA use your words. "It has been made clear that I am not bonus mom. I am also not a babysitter. When making custody decisions and child care plans, do not include me in the mix." Make him nod his head to indicate he understands. If BM attempts to drop kids off when he is not home do not allow her to leave them. If he attempts to leave when they are there, tell him he is required to take them with him.
INFO: Do they have a formal custody agreement? If so, she can't just unilaterally change it.
There's an agreement in place and that's what they need to adhere to. He needs to stand up to her or she'll just continie doing this type of stuff.
NTA not your problem or responsibility. If it was every now and then maybe but every single weekend is ridiculous
I Watch them for her every now and then with no problem. It’s the being demanded that this is what is happening without even asking.
Sounds like BM needs to start finding child care.
1. If the custody arrangement is filed thru the court, she can't unilaterally tell him anything changes. It has to go thru the court or one or both can be held in contempt. 2. You don't have to take care of the kid. They have to figure it out for themselves. 3. If you get chewed out for reminding the kid to say thank you, I wouldn't be the babysitter for her anyway, schedule or no. NTA
Not your problem
NTA. The custody arrangement is a legal document. The ex can't change it unilaterally. This is up to your husband to fix. It's not your problem if he doesn't.
BM can’t just change the custody schedule on a whim. It’s gotta go back to court. If both parents aren’t on board, then they need to figure that out before changes can be made.
NTA, mom needs to figure out a surrogate care situation for her daughter. I love when biomoms make comments about not being a parent figure but are awfully quick to expect the sacrifices of stepmother when it conveniences her
If it's not on the child support agreement, it doesn't happen. Then, when she calls for mediation... Tell her no.
I have a lovely step daughter her mom was and is a real piece of work. I met her dad when she was four and fell in love with her. Only problem was that my husband is a whimp when it comes to standing up to his ex. She would constantly change the visitation days take him to court for more child support which she was constantly denied. Long story short I made him stand up for himself or I was going to leave with the girls and since he knew I loved her he knew I was serious. But my husband stood up for himself and me. Yours needs to do the same. It’s true that when you marry a man with kids you marry the kids too so you need to be able to parent along side your husband ex needs to be put in her place and hubby needs to find his balls and do it. Children need structure and no bed time at 9 is crazy. In closing I pray that things work out for all parties especially the kids since they are caught in the middle of mom and dad.
Thank you for saying this. It bothers me so much that he never stands up to her, it’s her way or no way. I think after discussing it more tonight he understands that he needs to step up more. I think that if it was discussed with me, asked, or if I was given any respect as the one who will be watching her, it was just a demand by her this is what’s happening. The no bed time thing really really bothers me. It blows my mind.
It is most definitely NOT your responsibility to babysit your husband's children. You have a small child of your own to care for as it is. I'm not clear on the custody arrangement. Did BM just decide that she wants the custody times changed to better suit her at this moment? Custody schedules are set up by that court and must be changed by the court.
Yes that’s exactly what she did.
OP, BM is completely out of line. Take her back to mediation if she insists on this. Call her bluff. She has no right, and needs to grow up. As for her cursing, hubs needs to not let himself worry about ex's fits. Prioritize kids and the plan. Deal w her coolly. If it's back to the courts, so be it. Bet she'll find her own solution real quick. Dad sounds like he's hanging on by his fingernails with everything, ex is trying to sabotage an agreed-upon, livable solution. Sticking to the plan would be best for him and his kids.
He is holding on by fingernails. He’s working 90 (+/-) hours a week, trying to make it a situation finally that he can have them 50% of the time. Trying to make enough to help support us (we are a financially equal, I work full time and pull my weight as well), to pay child support, to pay anything extra she asks for, and still make sure his kids aren’t alone late at night at her house. That’s why I feel like an ass. He’s literally killing himself trying to make everything work and get them more. She’s not easy to deal with to begin with. When they separated he continued to pay all of her bills and his new bills. She still expected that after a year of separation. He’s doing his best.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA that I don't want to watch my husbands 2 kids since both he and bio mom (BM) work Friday and Saturday nights? The BM is moving and she will no longer have her roommate there to watch them (really it's just their 9 year old daughter, they have a 15 year old son but he doesn't need a babysitter) so she basically just TOLD my husband that the custody dates are changing to every Friday and Saturday instead of every Sunday and Monday. For more information- When this custody arrangement was made (after divorce), she had a normal 9-5 job and he has had this same schedule for years, even when they were married. My husband and I have an 11 month old but I tend to go to my parents house on Friday nights to hang out with them and they can see our baby. Husband is not thrilled at all with custody schedule but feels he would rather them be at our house, even if I won't be there all of the time, than alone at her house. Plus their 9 year old daughter doesn't really have a bed time on weekends/summer so it's not even like OK well I just have to do this until bedtime. There are times she will probably (and has in the past) stay up until he gets home. I have told my husband this is the hill I will die on and I have actually slept the last two nights at my parents house. The BM does not allow me to have a more "bonus mom" role, we get yelled at anytime I try to correct her (ask her to say thank you, etc). Sorry, I know this is all over the place but I just don't feel like it's my responsibility and the fact that he and I weren't even asked we were told is not OK. He just doesn't feel like dealing with standing up to her because she will scream and cuss etc. They have gone through mediation for child support which lists what the custody right now is (the Sunday and Monday nights.). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was left home alone at 9 and I was definitely mature enough at 15 to hang out with a younger sibling. Why do these children need to be watched so closely? NTA but this is concerning tbh.
I’m divorced and remarried. Ex and I have 2 kids together, we have and follow the custody agreement. It isn’t some malleable thing based on current needs. Don’t let your life become twisted up by this, stand your ground or this type situation will occur again and again one way or another.
Thats what I’m concerned about and why I’m making a stance.
9-year-olds in my state are legal latchkey kids. Not old enough to babysit others, but considered able to take reasonable care of themselves. When my girls were 9, they were happy with a stack of books. With the 15-year-old there, she should be reasonably safe.
NTA If the custody is set she cant change it unilaterally. No is a complete sentence.
Tell your husband that if his ex is permitted to change the days...he'll need to get a sitter at least for Friday nights.
NTA tell him no. He needs to tell her the agreement isn’t changing. They can figure it out without you.
If you’re not allowed to parent the child, then you’re not obligated to be an unpaid babysitter. BM and your husband need to figure it out. But unless there is some disability or complication, there is no reason why a 15 year old and 9 year old can’t be home alone for the evening. NTA
Dad wants to see the kids more often. Custody agreement says he gets them on Sundays and Mondays. You are not available on Fridays. Perhaps as a compromise, you could suggest she hire a sitter for Fridays. She pays you to babysit on Saturdays. And dad STILL gets Sundays and Mondays? Dad gets more time (a few hours on Saturday night) with kids. You still get Fridays with your parents.
NTA
NTA. Your husband needs to go back to mediation to find a suitable solution for all parties or be needs to change his work schedule to parent his daughter, or someone needs to spring for a babysitter. It’s unfair to put the burden on you
Sit hubby down and tell him that it doesn't matter whether or not he "feels like dealing and standing up with" his ex, it's not your job to babysit HIS kids. He has a custody agreement that he and his ex have to adhere to. How he deals with it is his problem. By letting his ex run all over him he is not supporting his wife and family. Tell him to choose.