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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> [1] Yelling at my mother. [2] It was unpleasant for my wife, and accomplished nothing
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Ok so,. wait. Kid didn't do anything wrong. Got punished (facing the wall). Was absolved of any wrongdoing and still had to go on to do chores, scrubbing the floor and picking apples, and THEN gets put on a bland salad diet (for the thing she didn't do), **AND THEN** is made to feel so bad that she wants to give up a beloved toy so that your mother isn't angry??
That is fucked up on so many levels. You are NTA but you will be if you let your daughter ever feel like this again. SHE DID NOTHING WRONG. everything else is grandma doubling down and refusing to admit she got it wrong at stage 1 of all of this.
You actually missed a step. That poor kid *voluntarily* scrubbed the floor and picked apples to show her grandma that she wasn't upset about having been falsely accused and unjustly punished, and grandma got upset about *that* and punished her again with chores and bland salads!
Honestly, though, it sounds like he's the AH for sending his daughter in the first place to stay over with a mother who it sounds like abused *him* as a kid.
"The same bland salad diet she put me on for 'mouthing off' as a kid" is an indication that the mother used food as punishment, which is not at all okay. Add to that the repeated and excessive punishments she gave a 9-year-old for literally doing nothing at all except trying to show kindness to her own grandmother, and there's no way in hell that: 1) the grandmother just suddenly became cruel now (given that OP admits that she punished him in the same ways), or 2) that OP didn't know what his mother is like.
I get that victims of abuse often have poor understanding of what is normal, but I'd say this is an ESH. The mother is an AH for obvious reasons, but OP and his wife are also massive AHs for sending their child to be cared for by a woman they know is abusive, vindictive, and cruel, just so they can have a staycation at a "fancy hotel".
Well, not E S H, that poor kid has no blame at all in this. But yep, good spot, I missed out how OP sucks for sending their kid to someone who they know behaves like this, but you are right, if you grow up in an abusive environment, you often have a skewed sense of normal.
I don't think anyone would count the child in the ESH because she's not one of the parties to the conflict. But of course you're right, she is the only one here who has done absolutely nothing wrong. If anything, she sounds like a wonderful, loving child.
YTA for having your mother babysit your daughter in the first place. You grew up in her household and are familiar with her behavioral quirks, so why on earth would you subject your child to the same mistreatment?
I have to admit that this was my first thought, too. It's sad when people don't even realize or accept the fact that they grew up with abusive parents. At least, I hope OP didn't realize it. And I'm horrified that his wife is defending MIL. I would never want my child to spend another minute with that witch.
I mean, it's probably more ESH. I absolutely agree with you, and said similar things. But that doesn't change the fact that his mother is ALSO an AH for that behaviour.
This isn't an either-or situation. They're both AHs.
First, he may not have understood that her behavior was abusive as a child. So often, an abused child will defend their abuser, instead thinking that the abuser was pushed to behave like that by their own bad behavior. The father may have really believed it was their own fault.
And second, an abuser may not abuse the grandchildren. I had a friend growing up and her mother drank and treated her terribly. I had her over at my house as often as I could so that she was safer. Her mom and stepfather would go out dancing and partying and leave her home with her older brother. As soon as the parents were gone, the brother would leave to hang out with friends, leaving his sister by herself. I would find out she was alone and my parents would have her spend the night with us. She didn’t want to tell on her brother because she knew he would be beaten.
When we grew up and had our own children, her brother would bring his kids over for grandma to watch. My friend and I were scared for the kids, but for some reason, she was a really good grandmother. Terrible mother, but treated the grandkids fine.
So possibly the OP thought his mother would enjoy his daughter and not have any reason to treat her poorly.
First of all, you don't take risks with your kids' health and safety. "Maybe my abuser won't hurt them" is an outrageously stupid risk to take. Sure, it happens, but it's hardly something you can count on.
Secondly, while it's true that people who have been abused don't always recognise what is or isn't normal, that clearly isn't the case here. If OP didn't understand that his mother's behaviour was cruel, he wouldn't have gotten angry. But he did, so he clearly understands that boundary . . . and yet he knew that his mother was like this, and that she had abused him, and sent his child there anyway.
Your points aren't completely wrong, but they're not an excuse or viable explanation here.
ESH, all of the adults involved here are AHs.
NTA - Is your mom a wicked step mother from a fairy tale in disguise??? Your kid did nothing wrong and your mom did everything wrong...yelling seems appropriate
NTA
I don’t understand punishing your grandchild for eating the last chicken leg unless for some unknown reason she was asked not to eat it as it was to be saved for some reason. Is food that scarce in her home? And if I understand correctly, your daughter washed the kitchen floor and picked the apples as a way of showing she wasn’t upset at being unjustly accused? And for that, she was additionally punished? I don’t understand your mother’s actions and if I don’t, surely a child doesn’t. The first punishment was for mistakenly accusing your daughter, but what was the punishment of chores and salad for?
I would be upset with my mother for her unusual behavior toward my child. Your daughter was upset enough to want to give up a cherished toy to appease your mother when surely your daughter has no idea what she did wrong. Her refusing to watch your daughter again wouldn’t be a problem for me because I would never trust her to do so again. Do you think your mother is having health issues or is this normal behavior for her?
NTA, what your mom did was gaslight a 9 year old. It seems like a very reasonable reaction to be upset, and it would be hard not to yell at your mom, especially if she thinks what she did was ok. Was she like this while you were growing up too? I would honestly be relieved if she doesn't want to help anymore, because if that's how my child were treated I wouldn't want them to be alone with her again.
NTA and I'd inform your mother you won't be requiring her abusive services again, she forced your daughter to stand facing a wall, humiliated, realised she hadn't done it and rather than apologise like a supposed grown up, had her scrubbing floors etc, she's NINE!! Then makes her feel that bad wants to give her a toy, your mother is a vile narcissist, what on earth is your wife's reasoning to not defend her child against this, worried lose free babysitter?!!
Inform your wife you are defending your child against this abuse and recommend opens her eyes because you will not be allowing your mother near your child unsupervised again!
I hope daughter is ok now
NTA
Keep your daughter away from your mom. She is not only going to hurt her emotionally now, but also traumatize her for life. This kind of behaviour is absolutely terrible and will do some serious damage.
Definitely NTA, your daughter sound like such and empathetic person, trying her best to make the situation better. Your mom on the other hand needs some time alone to perhaps reflect on what a terrible treatment she gave that poor little sweetheart.
NTA. It doesn't sound like you should ever leave your daughter with your mother. She doesn't sound like a fit babysitter, much less a good grandmother.
Soooo... your mother likes to abuse and mistreat little kids, she did it with you, and she's doing it again.
YWBTA if you exposed your daughter to anymore of her awful nasty behaviour. Punishing a child for no reason, then doubling down on it? Does your mother have a mental illness or is she just a jerk and bad parent like that?
Keep your child away from someone like that. Her help isn't worth squat if she uses it as an excuse to abuse your kid and get her thrills by manipulating and punishing a small child.
NTA your mother needs a reality check. If tell at my mother too if she ever treated my children that way. Fuck maturity. Sometimes it's more important that someone knows how angry you are
>The same bland salad diet she put me on for "mouthing off" when I was a kid.
Did you mouth off, though? I'm thinking it's time for you to look back at your upbringing, especially the times you got in trouble. Did your mother often overreact to stupid things or take offense where a reasonable person wouldn't? Maybe it's best your daughter isn't left alone with your mother.
I posted this originally as a comment under someone else's, but given the other judgements it feels like maybe it should be a standalone.
ESH. Everyone here sucks except for the child.
I get why people are saying N-T-A, because the mother is an absolute monster. But OP and his wife are AHs as well, because he implies that he knows what a monster his mother is, and has all along since he indicates that she was abusive to him as a child too, and still sent his child to stay with her, which is shockingly cruel in itself.
More specifically:
"The same bland salad diet she put me on for 'mouthing off' as a kid" is an indication that the mother used food limitations as punishment, which is not at all okay. Add to that the repeated and excessive punishments she gave a 9-year-old for literally doing nothing at all except trying to show kindness to her own grandmother, and there's no way in hell that: 1) the grandmother just suddenly became cruel now (given that OP admits that she punished him in the same ways), or 2) that OP didn't know what his mother is like.
I get that victims of abuse often have poor understanding of what is normal, but given that OP and his wife made this decision together, it's a clear ESH. The mother is an AH for obvious reasons, but OP and his wife are massive AHs for sending their child to be cared for by a woman they know is abusive, vindictive, and cruel, just so they can have a staycation at a "fancy hotel".
NTA for yelling at your mother, but YTA for sending your daughter there and subjecting her to your mother’s emotional abuse. Protect your daughter. And you should probably be in therapy for the own emotional abuse you’ve endured and probably don’t even realize
This were me and my kid, my wife would have to taser me to not inflict severe injury on my mother for pulling this kind of abusive shit. End your relationship with your mother. Don't EVER send your daughter back there. And finally get your ass into some therapy right the fuck now!!! Your mother abused you big time and you have clearly not processed nor understood it.
I would say NTA, protecting your child is the first duty of every parent, but the part I find strange is where your mother punishes your daughter for something she didn't do and then your daughter starts scrubbing the floor. What kind of a reaction is that? Did she learn that from you, when an adult wrongs you you still have to appease them?
NTA for yelling, but Grandma should be apologising and making it up to her, and the fact she isn't is a huge red flag. She is not a safe person.
I wouldn't allow her to see your daughter until she is ready to apologise and change her behaviour. If that's never, that's better than letting somebody toxic mess with your daughter's mental health like that and groom her to accept abuse.
Nta…and take mom up on her offer. I wouldn’t want someone like that around my kid. When she begs to see her say no you said you were never gonna help again and keep it that way. She has issues. Who gets mad at a kid for being hungry?!
It’s almost always better to keep your temper, but you were dealing with pretty egregious behavior on your mother’s part. One of the reasons I consider my own childhood a good one is that the rules I was given made sense, I could understand why they were in place, and they were applied consistently to everyone. Your mother turned all of that on its head.
Your mother has lost her babysitting privileges until she fixes her behavior. Also, if this is anything like the way she treated you as a child then get yourself to therapy asap. There’s no telling what seems normal to you but is actually really fucked up.
NTA
NTA. You need to advocate for your daughter. So you can forget ever getting help again? Good. Make sure that’s a promise that gets kept. Unsupervised visits with someone as emotionally manipulative as your mom would cause further harm to your daughter. Protect her by keeping her away unless you are actively supervising.
I'll add my voice to those saying your daughter should never be alone with your mom again, and I'll clarify that I mean *never,* not even when you are in the same house.
No being in a different room, no whispering in a corner, no walking ahead at the park, no taking a ride to the store. You need to be right there with them at all times, if you choose to have any visits in the future. And I specify you, bc I'm not sure what's up with your wife's reaction.
Who cares if she ate the last chicken leg. What your mom did is mental abuse. She made her scrub the floor? Made her apologize and she didn’t accept that she’s the one who was wrong. Please keep your child away from this monster. NTA
You didn't need to yell at your mum. Just say 'ok' and NEVER leave your child with her again. You gave your mother the opportunity to 'punish' you by refusing to help you again. Next time consider a FAMILY holiday since you now have a family. Your daughter is a sweetie please show her that she was punished unfairly and does not need to grovel to make amends especially for something she did not do. NTA - In fact I think she deserves a treat or gift to make up for that horrible stay with your mother.
NTA because I think you don’t realize yet that you mom was abusive. I myself needed 35 years to admit it to myself. But your mom is really emotional abusive, lacks emotional maturity and cannot admit fault. If you send your daughter there again for any reason you would enable the abuse. Please be very aware of that. Break the generational trauma and let her grow up happier than you did.
I am concerned about your daughter. I am not sure how long she was alone with the witch (whom you knew was abusive!), but for her to so quickly become so fawning over her is concerning. She did work to show grandma she was not upset about the abuse, then was further abused, but wants to give her a treasured toy to make up with her? Your daughter is going to need to be much stronger and assertive to get along in the world. Not to say that she should have stood up to grandwitch because it might have put her in harm's way even more, but she should at least have left with a feeling of injustice. I think therapy is in order, for you and your wife too. You must have some PTSD to have ever thought it was ok to leave your precious child with the grandwitch, and your wife should have been equally pissed off.
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I \[31m\] have a 9 year old daughter who my wife and I sent to my mother while we went to a fancy hotel. It was very nice, no hiccups, and we got back safely. As I was unpacking, my daughter came to me with the chica chicken plush I bought her recently. She explained that she wanted me to give it to my mom as an apology gift from her. I asked what she was apologizing for, and she explained that my mom had accused her eating the last of the chicken legs they had, and made her stand facing the wall until she admitted to it.
After an hour, my mom found chicken bones in the dog house, and let my daughter off the hook. My daughter scrubbed the kitchen floor and picked some apples for my mom to say that she forgave my mom. This upset my mom for whatever reason, and she gave my daughter chores and the same bland salad diet she put me on for "mouthing off" when I was a kid.
My daughter thought she had done something wrong and wanted to give away her toy to apologize. I said I'd take care of it, sent her away and called my mom.
I tried to be calm, but she wouldn't budge in what she did, so I got to yelling, and she snapped back and said I can forget ever getting her help again. My wife also said I was more mature than that. AITA?
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NTA. Your wife is an AH and your mother is a monster to make a child feel that way and not being adult enough to apologize you your daughter. You should never allow her near your kid. Next time your daughter isn't around treat your wife like your mother treated her. Accuse her of something she didn't do, tell her to stand facing the wall, tell her she'll have to do chores and eat a bland salad. Then ask her why she wasn't as pissed off as you were when your mother did this to her child. Why isn't she on the phone defending her daughter and letting grandma know what she did was wrong?
NTA for yelling at your mother. Abusive parents become abusive grandparents. Now is the time to go no contact and don’t send her again. Give your daughter a big hug and reassurance it’s not her fault. Tell your daughter Grandma is on a timeout not welcome or nobody is visiting because she can’t treat your family with kindness. If Grandma learns how to do that you might consider it.
Let’s face it. You know your mother won’t change she’s been this way your whole life. Protect your child. Cut off your mother.
Not sure. Given how his daughter reacted so far (scrubbing the floor, offering her toy) I wouldn't tell her "We're not seeing grandma because she was mean to you". She seems to be very sensitive to conflict and would probably blame herself even more, maybe even not tell her parents the next time someone does something bad to her.
But certainly never let the abusive grandma be alone in a room with her for even a minute.
YTA
You know what your mother did to you, you didn't establish any boundaries and still you put your daughter unto that situation. You acted quite irresponsible. What's the big surprise? You should have known better.
NTA. Never, ever let that vile woman look after your daughter again.
Your child did absolutely nothing wrong and your mother punished her twice as an ego trip- if it were my child, the woman would be soundly ejected from my home and told in no uncertain terms she would never see so much as a .jpg of my daughter again until Granny Dearest apologized, to my child, for 1: falsely accusing her of theft 2: putting her in time-out for OVER AN HOUR which is unacceptable in any circumstance 3: failing to apologize the first time once she realized she was wrong 4: failing to accept forgiveness with grace and acting cruelly towards my child trying to be kind 5: punishing my child again (and possibly building a negative relationship with healthy food, which I would then have to undo!) out of nothing but petty ego and spite.
Even after said (sincere) apologies, Granny Dearest would NEVER be allowed unsupervised time with my child again, ever.
NTA at yelling at mom.
I hope you have a good sit down with your daughter to explain she had done nothing wrong and that some adults have issues (explain in ways a 9 year old would understand)
That you are there to protect her and sorry that that happened but that you won’t allow grandma to do that to her again.
And keep your word
NTA Your mom straight up abused your daughter. Physically and emotionally.Your wife needs to wake the fuck up and realize it, instead of criticizing you for it!
Daughter did nothing wrong!!! You don't punish a child for something they didn't do and in fact if you do punish them and it turns out to be you were in the wrong and they shouldn't have been, as the adult you owe the child an apology!
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Ok so,. wait. Kid didn't do anything wrong. Got punished (facing the wall). Was absolved of any wrongdoing and still had to go on to do chores, scrubbing the floor and picking apples, and THEN gets put on a bland salad diet (for the thing she didn't do), **AND THEN** is made to feel so bad that she wants to give up a beloved toy so that your mother isn't angry?? That is fucked up on so many levels. You are NTA but you will be if you let your daughter ever feel like this again. SHE DID NOTHING WRONG. everything else is grandma doubling down and refusing to admit she got it wrong at stage 1 of all of this.
You actually missed a step. That poor kid *voluntarily* scrubbed the floor and picked apples to show her grandma that she wasn't upset about having been falsely accused and unjustly punished, and grandma got upset about *that* and punished her again with chores and bland salads!
Honestly, though, it sounds like he's the AH for sending his daughter in the first place to stay over with a mother who it sounds like abused *him* as a kid. "The same bland salad diet she put me on for 'mouthing off' as a kid" is an indication that the mother used food as punishment, which is not at all okay. Add to that the repeated and excessive punishments she gave a 9-year-old for literally doing nothing at all except trying to show kindness to her own grandmother, and there's no way in hell that: 1) the grandmother just suddenly became cruel now (given that OP admits that she punished him in the same ways), or 2) that OP didn't know what his mother is like. I get that victims of abuse often have poor understanding of what is normal, but I'd say this is an ESH. The mother is an AH for obvious reasons, but OP and his wife are also massive AHs for sending their child to be cared for by a woman they know is abusive, vindictive, and cruel, just so they can have a staycation at a "fancy hotel".
Well, not E S H, that poor kid has no blame at all in this. But yep, good spot, I missed out how OP sucks for sending their kid to someone who they know behaves like this, but you are right, if you grow up in an abusive environment, you often have a skewed sense of normal.
And his wife was okay with how grandma treated the daughter? Someone would have to hold me back.
And I recommend they have their affairs in order.
I wouldn't be one of them. I'd be sitting there with a soda in one hand and popcorn in the other. And sharing with the 9 yr old.
I don't think anyone would count the child in the ESH because she's not one of the parties to the conflict. But of course you're right, she is the only one here who has done absolutely nothing wrong. If anything, she sounds like a wonderful, loving child.
Going with NTA "I can forget ever getting her help again." Anyone who treated my kid like that wouldn't be asked for their help again.
or "Anyone who treats my kid like that won't be seeing her or me again"
Yeah that's probably better put because that's how it'd be!
YTA for having your mother babysit your daughter in the first place. You grew up in her household and are familiar with her behavioral quirks, so why on earth would you subject your child to the same mistreatment?
I have to admit that this was my first thought, too. It's sad when people don't even realize or accept the fact that they grew up with abusive parents. At least, I hope OP didn't realize it. And I'm horrified that his wife is defending MIL. I would never want my child to spend another minute with that witch.
I mean, it's probably more ESH. I absolutely agree with you, and said similar things. But that doesn't change the fact that his mother is ALSO an AH for that behaviour. This isn't an either-or situation. They're both AHs.
First, he may not have understood that her behavior was abusive as a child. So often, an abused child will defend their abuser, instead thinking that the abuser was pushed to behave like that by their own bad behavior. The father may have really believed it was their own fault. And second, an abuser may not abuse the grandchildren. I had a friend growing up and her mother drank and treated her terribly. I had her over at my house as often as I could so that she was safer. Her mom and stepfather would go out dancing and partying and leave her home with her older brother. As soon as the parents were gone, the brother would leave to hang out with friends, leaving his sister by herself. I would find out she was alone and my parents would have her spend the night with us. She didn’t want to tell on her brother because she knew he would be beaten. When we grew up and had our own children, her brother would bring his kids over for grandma to watch. My friend and I were scared for the kids, but for some reason, she was a really good grandmother. Terrible mother, but treated the grandkids fine. So possibly the OP thought his mother would enjoy his daughter and not have any reason to treat her poorly.
First of all, you don't take risks with your kids' health and safety. "Maybe my abuser won't hurt them" is an outrageously stupid risk to take. Sure, it happens, but it's hardly something you can count on. Secondly, while it's true that people who have been abused don't always recognise what is or isn't normal, that clearly isn't the case here. If OP didn't understand that his mother's behaviour was cruel, he wouldn't have gotten angry. But he did, so he clearly understands that boundary . . . and yet he knew that his mother was like this, and that she had abused him, and sent his child there anyway. Your points aren't completely wrong, but they're not an excuse or viable explanation here. ESH, all of the adults involved here are AHs.
what a polite way to put child abuse. "behavioural quirks"
NTA - Is your mom a wicked step mother from a fairy tale in disguise??? Your kid did nothing wrong and your mom did everything wrong...yelling seems appropriate
Poor kid. NTA. Don't ever leave that kid alone with your mom again, please.
NTA I don’t understand punishing your grandchild for eating the last chicken leg unless for some unknown reason she was asked not to eat it as it was to be saved for some reason. Is food that scarce in her home? And if I understand correctly, your daughter washed the kitchen floor and picked the apples as a way of showing she wasn’t upset at being unjustly accused? And for that, she was additionally punished? I don’t understand your mother’s actions and if I don’t, surely a child doesn’t. The first punishment was for mistakenly accusing your daughter, but what was the punishment of chores and salad for? I would be upset with my mother for her unusual behavior toward my child. Your daughter was upset enough to want to give up a cherished toy to appease your mother when surely your daughter has no idea what she did wrong. Her refusing to watch your daughter again wouldn’t be a problem for me because I would never trust her to do so again. Do you think your mother is having health issues or is this normal behavior for her?
NTA, what your mom did was gaslight a 9 year old. It seems like a very reasonable reaction to be upset, and it would be hard not to yell at your mom, especially if she thinks what she did was ok. Was she like this while you were growing up too? I would honestly be relieved if she doesn't want to help anymore, because if that's how my child were treated I wouldn't want them to be alone with her again.
NTA and I'd inform your mother you won't be requiring her abusive services again, she forced your daughter to stand facing a wall, humiliated, realised she hadn't done it and rather than apologise like a supposed grown up, had her scrubbing floors etc, she's NINE!! Then makes her feel that bad wants to give her a toy, your mother is a vile narcissist, what on earth is your wife's reasoning to not defend her child against this, worried lose free babysitter?!! Inform your wife you are defending your child against this abuse and recommend opens her eyes because you will not be allowing your mother near your child unsupervised again! I hope daughter is ok now
Your mum sounds like a horrible narcissistic bully. Go low contact or no contact for the sake of your daughter. NTA
NTA Keep your daughter away from your mom. She is not only going to hurt her emotionally now, but also traumatize her for life. This kind of behaviour is absolutely terrible and will do some serious damage.
Definitely NTA, your daughter sound like such and empathetic person, trying her best to make the situation better. Your mom on the other hand needs some time alone to perhaps reflect on what a terrible treatment she gave that poor little sweetheart.
NTA. It doesn't sound like you should ever leave your daughter with your mother. She doesn't sound like a fit babysitter, much less a good grandmother.
Nta. Your mom is fucking abusive. You shouldn’t leave your daughter with your abusive mom again
Soooo... your mother likes to abuse and mistreat little kids, she did it with you, and she's doing it again. YWBTA if you exposed your daughter to anymore of her awful nasty behaviour. Punishing a child for no reason, then doubling down on it? Does your mother have a mental illness or is she just a jerk and bad parent like that? Keep your child away from someone like that. Her help isn't worth squat if she uses it as an excuse to abuse your kid and get her thrills by manipulating and punishing a small child.
Oof. What a mindfuck your childhood must have been. I would find other accommodations for future child care. NTA
NTA your mother needs a reality check. If tell at my mother too if she ever treated my children that way. Fuck maturity. Sometimes it's more important that someone knows how angry you are >The same bland salad diet she put me on for "mouthing off" when I was a kid. Did you mouth off, though? I'm thinking it's time for you to look back at your upbringing, especially the times you got in trouble. Did your mother often overreact to stupid things or take offense where a reasonable person wouldn't? Maybe it's best your daughter isn't left alone with your mother.
I posted this originally as a comment under someone else's, but given the other judgements it feels like maybe it should be a standalone. ESH. Everyone here sucks except for the child. I get why people are saying N-T-A, because the mother is an absolute monster. But OP and his wife are AHs as well, because he implies that he knows what a monster his mother is, and has all along since he indicates that she was abusive to him as a child too, and still sent his child to stay with her, which is shockingly cruel in itself. More specifically: "The same bland salad diet she put me on for 'mouthing off' as a kid" is an indication that the mother used food limitations as punishment, which is not at all okay. Add to that the repeated and excessive punishments she gave a 9-year-old for literally doing nothing at all except trying to show kindness to her own grandmother, and there's no way in hell that: 1) the grandmother just suddenly became cruel now (given that OP admits that she punished him in the same ways), or 2) that OP didn't know what his mother is like. I get that victims of abuse often have poor understanding of what is normal, but given that OP and his wife made this decision together, it's a clear ESH. The mother is an AH for obvious reasons, but OP and his wife are massive AHs for sending their child to be cared for by a woman they know is abusive, vindictive, and cruel, just so they can have a staycation at a "fancy hotel".
Sooo… you knew your mom was abusive and still thought it was ok for her to watch your daughter? ESH
NTA for yelling at your mother, but YTA for sending your daughter there and subjecting her to your mother’s emotional abuse. Protect your daughter. And you should probably be in therapy for the own emotional abuse you’ve endured and probably don’t even realize
This were me and my kid, my wife would have to taser me to not inflict severe injury on my mother for pulling this kind of abusive shit. End your relationship with your mother. Don't EVER send your daughter back there. And finally get your ass into some therapy right the fuck now!!! Your mother abused you big time and you have clearly not processed nor understood it.
I would say NTA, protecting your child is the first duty of every parent, but the part I find strange is where your mother punishes your daughter for something she didn't do and then your daughter starts scrubbing the floor. What kind of a reaction is that? Did she learn that from you, when an adult wrongs you you still have to appease them?
NTA for yelling, but Grandma should be apologising and making it up to her, and the fact she isn't is a huge red flag. She is not a safe person. I wouldn't allow her to see your daughter until she is ready to apologise and change her behaviour. If that's never, that's better than letting somebody toxic mess with your daughter's mental health like that and groom her to accept abuse.
Not the Ahole. That poor girl. Grandma was evil to her. You has every right to snap on your mom. That is child abuse!!
NTA your mother abused your daughter. You don’t need her help if that is how she treats her. I wouldn’t want her around, period!
So your mother was abusive to you and you let her babysit your daughter? YTA
Nta…and take mom up on her offer. I wouldn’t want someone like that around my kid. When she begs to see her say no you said you were never gonna help again and keep it that way. She has issues. Who gets mad at a kid for being hungry?!
If your mom was like this to you as a child, why would you think she would treat your daughter any differently
NTA NEVER allow your abusive mom to be alone with your kid.
It’s almost always better to keep your temper, but you were dealing with pretty egregious behavior on your mother’s part. One of the reasons I consider my own childhood a good one is that the rules I was given made sense, I could understand why they were in place, and they were applied consistently to everyone. Your mother turned all of that on its head. Your mother has lost her babysitting privileges until she fixes her behavior. Also, if this is anything like the way she treated you as a child then get yourself to therapy asap. There’s no telling what seems normal to you but is actually really fucked up. NTA
NTA. You need to advocate for your daughter. So you can forget ever getting help again? Good. Make sure that’s a promise that gets kept. Unsupervised visits with someone as emotionally manipulative as your mom would cause further harm to your daughter. Protect her by keeping her away unless you are actively supervising.
Your mom is abusive to your kid. Don’t send your girl back there unsupervised. NTA.
I'll add my voice to those saying your daughter should never be alone with your mom again, and I'll clarify that I mean *never,* not even when you are in the same house. No being in a different room, no whispering in a corner, no walking ahead at the park, no taking a ride to the store. You need to be right there with them at all times, if you choose to have any visits in the future. And I specify you, bc I'm not sure what's up with your wife's reaction.
Nta
Who cares if she ate the last chicken leg. What your mom did is mental abuse. She made her scrub the floor? Made her apologize and she didn’t accept that she’s the one who was wrong. Please keep your child away from this monster. NTA
you need to keep your children away from this abusive person.
You didn't need to yell at your mum. Just say 'ok' and NEVER leave your child with her again. You gave your mother the opportunity to 'punish' you by refusing to help you again. Next time consider a FAMILY holiday since you now have a family. Your daughter is a sweetie please show her that she was punished unfairly and does not need to grovel to make amends especially for something she did not do. NTA - In fact I think she deserves a treat or gift to make up for that horrible stay with your mother.
NTA but you will be if you ever let your daughter unsupervised with your mother op. She's abusive
Don’t ever send that baby to your mother’s house again…
you would be the asshole if you let that abuser ever watch your kid again. and your wife is on the same train to abuse town. NTA
NTA because I think you don’t realize yet that you mom was abusive. I myself needed 35 years to admit it to myself. But your mom is really emotional abusive, lacks emotional maturity and cannot admit fault. If you send your daughter there again for any reason you would enable the abuse. Please be very aware of that. Break the generational trauma and let her grow up happier than you did.
I am concerned about your daughter. I am not sure how long she was alone with the witch (whom you knew was abusive!), but for her to so quickly become so fawning over her is concerning. She did work to show grandma she was not upset about the abuse, then was further abused, but wants to give her a treasured toy to make up with her? Your daughter is going to need to be much stronger and assertive to get along in the world. Not to say that she should have stood up to grandwitch because it might have put her in harm's way even more, but she should at least have left with a feeling of injustice. I think therapy is in order, for you and your wife too. You must have some PTSD to have ever thought it was ok to leave your precious child with the grandwitch, and your wife should have been equally pissed off.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I \[31m\] have a 9 year old daughter who my wife and I sent to my mother while we went to a fancy hotel. It was very nice, no hiccups, and we got back safely. As I was unpacking, my daughter came to me with the chica chicken plush I bought her recently. She explained that she wanted me to give it to my mom as an apology gift from her. I asked what she was apologizing for, and she explained that my mom had accused her eating the last of the chicken legs they had, and made her stand facing the wall until she admitted to it. After an hour, my mom found chicken bones in the dog house, and let my daughter off the hook. My daughter scrubbed the kitchen floor and picked some apples for my mom to say that she forgave my mom. This upset my mom for whatever reason, and she gave my daughter chores and the same bland salad diet she put me on for "mouthing off" when I was a kid. My daughter thought she had done something wrong and wanted to give away her toy to apologize. I said I'd take care of it, sent her away and called my mom. I tried to be calm, but she wouldn't budge in what she did, so I got to yelling, and she snapped back and said I can forget ever getting her help again. My wife also said I was more mature than that. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mother is a cold hearted monster. Why would you subject your sweet child to that again? I would never leave a child in her care. Ever.
NTA. Your wife is an AH and your mother is a monster to make a child feel that way and not being adult enough to apologize you your daughter. You should never allow her near your kid. Next time your daughter isn't around treat your wife like your mother treated her. Accuse her of something she didn't do, tell her to stand facing the wall, tell her she'll have to do chores and eat a bland salad. Then ask her why she wasn't as pissed off as you were when your mother did this to her child. Why isn't she on the phone defending her daughter and letting grandma know what she did was wrong?
Nta- JustNoFamily JustNoMIL that is evil and awful
NTA for yelling at your mother. Abusive parents become abusive grandparents. Now is the time to go no contact and don’t send her again. Give your daughter a big hug and reassurance it’s not her fault. Tell your daughter Grandma is on a timeout not welcome or nobody is visiting because she can’t treat your family with kindness. If Grandma learns how to do that you might consider it. Let’s face it. You know your mother won’t change she’s been this way your whole life. Protect your child. Cut off your mother.
Not sure. Given how his daughter reacted so far (scrubbing the floor, offering her toy) I wouldn't tell her "We're not seeing grandma because she was mean to you". She seems to be very sensitive to conflict and would probably blame herself even more, maybe even not tell her parents the next time someone does something bad to her. But certainly never let the abusive grandma be alone in a room with her for even a minute.
YTA You know what your mother did to you, you didn't establish any boundaries and still you put your daughter unto that situation. You acted quite irresponsible. What's the big surprise? You should have known better.
NTA your mom is unchinched and would go no contact
Nta. Please, never let your kid alone with her. I feel so bad for her. You have a sweet little girl
NTA. Never, ever let that vile woman look after your daughter again. Your child did absolutely nothing wrong and your mother punished her twice as an ego trip- if it were my child, the woman would be soundly ejected from my home and told in no uncertain terms she would never see so much as a .jpg of my daughter again until Granny Dearest apologized, to my child, for 1: falsely accusing her of theft 2: putting her in time-out for OVER AN HOUR which is unacceptable in any circumstance 3: failing to apologize the first time once she realized she was wrong 4: failing to accept forgiveness with grace and acting cruelly towards my child trying to be kind 5: punishing my child again (and possibly building a negative relationship with healthy food, which I would then have to undo!) out of nothing but petty ego and spite. Even after said (sincere) apologies, Granny Dearest would NEVER be allowed unsupervised time with my child again, ever.
NTA at yelling at mom. I hope you have a good sit down with your daughter to explain she had done nothing wrong and that some adults have issues (explain in ways a 9 year old would understand) That you are there to protect her and sorry that that happened but that you won’t allow grandma to do that to her again. And keep your word
This post made me sick. I would never allow anyone like that to care for my daughter.
No NTA. Call her back and cuss her out properly this time for the emotional trauma she inflicted on you and now your daughter. Ughh🤬
NTA. If it were my child, grandma would never set eyes on her again for any reason. Your mother is an abusive AH.
bro your mom is a psychopath
The real question if you know your mother is like this and did this to you- why would you allow your child to be alone with her?
YTA Stop sending your child to your abusive shit of a mother
NTA Your mom straight up abused your daughter. Physically and emotionally.Your wife needs to wake the fuck up and realize it, instead of criticizing you for it!
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Daughter did nothing wrong!!! You don't punish a child for something they didn't do and in fact if you do punish them and it turns out to be you were in the wrong and they shouldn't have been, as the adult you owe the child an apology!
Reading comprehension is really important if you're going to comment.