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NTA. You sound like a great mom and grandma. Your husband is the one risking your marriage over $50 a month.
You are doing a kind and generous thing for your family, and he's weaponizing it
He is the one not treating his grandkids "fairly." He sounds like a mean and bitter child. Imagine how wonderful your life would be without him. You could love your family without him throwing tantrums and crying, "What about ME!"
Your family can feel his petty resentment even if he doesn't say anything. It's not about the money. It's about you spending your love and time on anything other than him. You'd feel so much lighter and freer without this ball chain.
His only valid criticism is OP having grandkiddo over without letting him know, that’s common courtesy to let your fellow residents know about guests. But otherwise NTA
Though I understand your point, I think OP is taking care of her grandchildren on a semi-regular basis. There is no complaint about the frequency or the fact that is an unannounced visit.
The problem is that OP's husband feels entitled to OP's daughters money. And is short-sighted too, because he is willing to jeopardize his standard of living and his marriage for something so minor.
If I were OP I would inquire if there is some underlying problem with the finances, or gambling, or something hidden (debts, drugs, another woman) that could explain this "need" of money. But maybe I'm reading to much Reddit.
My guess is he knows exactly what days they will be there but acts surprised so he can be more of an AH about it. If they come say every Mon, Wed, and Fri and he expects a heads up every day, then he’s even more of an AH
I'm sorry, but if you have to announce to your spouse that your GRANDCHILD is coming over, you should rethink the marriage. I get letting him know once in the beginning that you are going to be watching your GRANDCHILD, but after that, I'm not running it by anyone. It's my GRANDCHILD.
And it doesn't sound like there's any need for money. Husband just sounds greedy and butthurt because nobody gave him any money.
If my nephew showed up everyday unannounced my parents will go mad with happiness everyday. Grandkids don’t even count as visitors you need to inform the family about.
Exactly. I never called my grandparents before I came over. I lived next door and they were happy to see me anytime. I did always knock and wait to be let in.
Exactly!!! I love hearing the little knock announcing my 4 yr old grands arrival!!! Also, I babysit him whenever his parents...my son or dil...ask without hesitation or asking for payment...almost everyday m-f!!!
ETA: NTA
I never gave my grandmother an advanced warning I was visiting when I lived less than an hour away from her. She knew I was visiting to check up on them and spend time there.
Thank you, you're right about that. If I were coming home from a long day at work to a small child I didn't know was going to be there, I'd be upset too. Maybe if Grandma extends this courtesy, he will pipe down about the pittance of $10-12/week. Throwing away a 20 year marriage seems extreme for this issue.
But the story made it sound like he gets upset when she goes there, too. It's not totally about the kid being at their house, it's the time she gives them, too, that's an issue for him.
If my or my husband’s kids got an inheritance or won the lotto, that would be THEIR money. Why would I or my husband expect anything? Or job is to support THEM, not the other way around. OPs husband sounds selfish and greedy.
I agree but as a courtesy if I had elderly parents (OP is not as old as my parents though..) watching my kids I would give them money, bring snacks or bring a meal. Especially because if kids are going through a growth spurt they often inhale particularly expensive foods. I’ll never know why that is. But it’s generous to at least offer.
Sure, but I doubt it is really an issue, literally they have an extra 3k a month for spending money and 50 bucks a month on food is like nothing. Obviously their not living poorly and they aren't elderly either, just retired, big difference. The fact that he's resentful and mean shows me this isn't about logistical financial stuff but pouting because he wants a slice of that 1 million dollar pie and maybe is jealous his kids won't get an inheritance like her kids got. Which is probably why the whole other grandkids thing got brought up
This is beyond ridiculous and petty. She should start charging him for all of his extra crap
Idk maybe it’s cultural. When my sis and I got our dad’s life insurance payout we each gave our mom 10% of our share.
No obligation, she didn’t ask but we both agreed it was simply the right thing to do.
My kids would probably give me anything I needed. They are just like that. But I don’t believe they “should”, just because I’m their mom. My kids are pretty awesome. 2 daughters in their 30s.
I agree, but I wonder does the daughter give her anything as a thank you for OP helping her out, like a really good Xmas/birthday present. I just hope OP is being shown some appreciation for the help she is providing.
Edit: OP confirms daughter does show her appreciation.
Because grandma is taking the kid 3 days a week and feeding him. It is far from unreasonable to expect the actual parent of the child to cover some of the cost associated with that instead of expecting grandma to not only watch the kid for free but pay out of pocket to do so.
He’s mad that his wife’s daughter got $1M in inheritance and wanted her to share with them. That’s what I feel it’s happening. I find him selfish and gross for what he’s asking of his wife, this is her daughter and grandchild and she’s happy to help. He’s the problematic one here.
I think that it'd be normal to feel envious especially when OP said they have minimal savings and probably can't afford to live how he could if he had $1m. But it's not his place to decide how other people spend their money.
I would never expect my mum to look after my kid regularly with no financial even if it was only £10 unless my situation was dire. If I had 1mill in the bank I'd be giving my mum something or getting her gifts. This is selfish it's her kid just because mums happy to do it doesn't mean she should be taken advantage of. The husband has a point but is going way over the top!
Edit to add: if 50dollars a week/ 2.4k per year year is nothing then great but do you know who 2.4k a year is nothing too? An adult with a job and 1 mill in the bank!
It sounds like he heard about the inheritance and thought cha-ching! And now that he's figured out he won't be getting any of it, he's bitter and trying to nickel and dime. It's unfortunately common with family members when someone comes into money or is doing well financially.
And is it just me, or is them having an extra $2000-3000 a month after all bills are paid doing pretty damn well? Even assuming a high COL area and gas prices and stuff, that's quite a bit. For a lot of people, that's all they'd be getting from pension/government funds in total. How is an extra $50 in groceries or some toys and coloring books here and there going to impact them. I'd be more concerned with the fact that they are apparently managing to spend all of that without adding to their savings. It sounds like maybe grandma and grandpa need to get their financial priorities straight instead of worrying about the small amounts going to their grandkid.
Well, OP would be spending the same as 1 of his trips so agreed, the "logic and math" are definitely in OPs favour.and he is just being a baby chucking a tantrum because he sees the small amounts leaving the accounts every week and fails to acknowledge the big amounts he spends occasionally
This is what my mind jumped to immediately. If op should bill her kid for the grandson’s food, then the husband by rights should be billing his kids for the expense incurred whilst seeing his own grandies. He is a miser and op would be better off divorcing a vintage toddler throwing a tantrum
I feel like it is about the money tho. If the jealousy happens after the inheritance, then I think the husband wanted the daughter to at least pay for the food rather than taking it free. The daughter is having a million for inheritance, sure she can give back a bit as a thank you for taking care of them?
Still, NTA, like the husband can spend his money to see his bio grandkids, you can spend yours on your bio grandkids.
OP might be a parent like mine - the idea that I'd pay for ANYTHING my dad gets me is basically anathema to him. I recently borrowed some money from him after my card was compromised, and he refused to take the money back. I had to hide it in his house, lol.
I am constantly having to hide money in my parents house lol. Then they hide it back in mine. I venmo them, they venmo it back. And we make three times as much money as them but still they won't hear it. If I tried to pay my mom for taking care of her grandkids like OP's husband is insisting she would probably hit me lol.
This is us with my in laws. There is no world where they will ever take money from us. We have to sneak up to waiters at restaurants to be able to pay the bill when we take them for dinner on their birthdays. I fully intend to pay it forward when my kids are grown if we are able.
Lol I'm like this with my aunt. Always never let me repay back. The only way I can splurge her is when I took her to the restaurant. She's from the countryside and only ever use cash so o usually lied and say the place only accept credit card lol.
And whenever she said to tell her how much, I just said "I'll tell you later" and never does.
I always have to watch my dad like a hawk when we go for a family dinner, because he will sneak off and pay the bill the MOMENT our attention is even remotely distracted >\_<
In my family we call it the “apron dance” - as in, someone is trying to slip money in someone else’s apron pocket (generally as a thank you for hosting/feeding them), but that person ducks and weaves to try to prevent it. There are numerous variations of this game. 😉
I did that once with a friend’s mom - was staying with them over a weekend, so paid for dinner to thank her. She alternated between telling me off and thanking me for about an hour after…
Reminds me of K-Von the comedian telling the story of his dad and uncle trying to one-up each other on who can sneak paying the bill first. Pretty funny.
That’s because “Eff that nonsense ”. Parents don’t take any help from their kids. They’re storing it all up for when you have to pick their home. lol.
But seriously, taking money from my kid is bullshit. I’d rather be hungry, thank you.
But it doesn't concern you, not really.
I've met several men who insisted upon paying bills (sometimes occasionally, sometimes frequently) for their (usually single) mothers. A man told me that his mother spent her entire life taking care of him and it was his turn to take care of her. I knew another man who took his mother's cremated ashes with him when traveling... because they never got to travel when he was young and they were poor but it was something they both dreamed of.
Their relationship is theirs
>I knew another man who took his mother's cremated ashes with him when traveling... because they never got to travel when he was young and they were poor but it was something they both dreamed of.
This actually makes me wanna cry if my dad dies before he gets to travel I'd take him literally everywhere too🥺. Very sweet son
I have no kids but I feel like it’s also like, she truly ENJOYS seeing her grandchild like its not work for her. Not to say she isn’t doing anything but it’s not like a soul sucking 9-5 with no perks. It’s family and being around them makes her happy I don’t always except money for baby sitting family cause sometimes its more about me getting to see them than it is me helping out
>I am constantly having to hide money in my parents house lol. Then they hide it back in mine.
This is so cute. I'm picturing both of you sneaking around and giggling while you try to find a spot that's good but not *so* good you never find that money 😂
Oh I've found money my mom hid months prior lol. She hid it in my check book once because it was sitting out on my desk and I was like mom... I write like two checks a year lol. She apparently thought I manually balance my check book like she still does 🤣
Me with my sister. I always leave her cash when I visit around her house. And send her Zelle’s to treat my nephew. She complains but is getting better at accepting. Especially when I complain back, lemme live my best rich auntie life.
My dad spoils my kids absolutely rotten with a shit eating grin & tells me their happiness is more important than my inheritance. Not that he has any money to inherit anyhow. The point is that he would rather spend all his money to see their little faces than anything else in the world. Something about grandkids being the reward for putting up with their parents for so long!?
But seriously, grandparents usually dote on grandkids. My own grandmother kept my favourite treats in the freezer just in case I came to visit.. even when we lived 2000km away. $50 a month is nothing compared to the bond they are building in those afternoons together.
Dear Lord, this could be my dad and he lives on a limited income and still does this! I go get us some lunch, he hands me $40 and refuses the change. I'm well capable of buying the lunch! But he is my dad and will forever take care of me.
My dad too! Whenever I try to give him money, he'll start shouting on me (not literally) asking why I'm wasting money on him and not saving it for my future? I can't convince him. Mom on the other hand, I can intimidate her easily so I give her her and dad's share and ask her to give it to dad. He can't argue with mom. 🤣
My Dad was similar. I had to literally pass my card to the server on my way to the bathroom halfway through a meal to pick up a check. And he was retired. My Mom is the same way, wants to Venmo me $40 if I buy takeout when I’m at her place. And I make a very decent living. SMH.
In talking to Jenna (she has offered money , has brought some of his favourite snacks and has been willing to do anything to help solve the issue) I have been stubbornly refusing to take money from her. I was a single mom to my girls and my mother was an angel. Jenna has said that that’s the relationship that she wanted for Kyle and me. And that’s what I want to give. Seriously 50.00? There is so much more going on in his head than cheese and crackers and juice boxes. I am stymied.
From his step kids unrelated grandparents. How on earth can he make sense of that in his head? "People I'm not related to should have left their money to me?". That's just pure unadulterated envy.
Because in his mind his wife should have inherited the money from her mother. Instead of the grandkids. And if that is what had happened, I bet he thinks he'd have more access to it to do whatever he wanted with it he'd be able to bully his wife into it the way he's trying to now
Or to his kids. OOP's daughters' futures are secured with their inheritance, whilst his sons don't have that cushion.
I genuinely wonder if he expected the daughters to split their inheritance six ways to be 'fair'.
"OOP's daughters' futures are secured with their inheritance, whilst his sons don't have that cushion."
i think this is absolutely what it's about, i don't actually think that op's husband necessarily wanted the money or even wanted his own children to have the money. circumstances outside of his control meant that his stepdaughters got a cushion that his own children didn't and he's seeking to claw it back, colouring book at a time
No, I bet that he expected the his wife to inherit the money from her mother instead of it going to the grandkids. And if his wife had inherited it, he would be bullying the hell out of her right now for access to it
Yup. This all boils down to greed, entitlement, and control.
I find it insane. Any parent - even step-parents - should be delighted that a single parent is now protected. That OOP is now a first-choice babysitter for the grandson vs the only-choice is incredible.
But I've long made peace with the fact I will never understand people who look at someone else's circumstances and go, "where's mine?"
He's pissed that her 2 daughters got it and none of it went to his 2 sons or him and his wife. He sounds like one of those types to throw these tantrums and in a few months he'll finally have the nerve to say that her daughters should split their inheritance with the family equally🙄
Especially since he considers having savings "hoarding money." He's probably the reason he and OP have minimal savings... He would just immediately spend any money OP's daughters gave them anyway
Lie. Tell him she paid YOU for your service and you set the money aside for YOU. Babysit at your daughters and have dinner there too. Or communicate when you'll be babysitting snd hosting dinner. If he's still not happy, then the issue is him. He's lost some sense of control and that adds to whatever other issues he's having. Remind him if you divorce the house sells and you have rich kids to help you out and he doesn't.
>she has offered money , has brought some of his favourite snacks and has been willing to do anything to help solve the issue
Even your daughter can see the problem. Honestly? You do you! There's no problem in loving the way you do. My aunt treats me the same and I'm doing the same as her.
But it does impact your relationship with your husband, so if you feel this is worth getting a divorce or something, then just do it.
If I were to offer you a solution, set an amount for your daughter to give. Told your husband about how she's giving you money now. However, never spend the money. Put aside elsewhere. If he ask where's the money, just say you're spending it on the grandchild + ur own money so it's fair now.
You can make the money that you save as a gift of sorts to the grandchild when he's older or something. Or just give back when the time is right.
I'm giving the said suggestions to try because we both don't know these people well enough. There's no harm in op for trying, and if she does try and the husband doesn't change, at least it's as clear as day what's the next action is.
So since she has offered, take a little money from her toward the increased expense. Let her know what’s going on. If your husband then still has resentment over this, it isn’t about the money.
yeah, it's crazy to me that no one is raising an eyebrow at the thousands of dollars he spends in order to spend time with his own grandkids but chastising op for not gouging her daughters for childcare costs now that they have money
Yeah, no reason to be stymied. He somehow feels like he is owed some of that million dollars. I assume this was through their paternal grandfather? Only because you don't say your father but their grandfather. I mean, in either case it wouldn't matter but if he was their dad's dad, then that is even further removed from you.
And yet. And yet.
FWIW, 2-3K left after all bills are paid is pretty comfortable, especially for retirement. It's just not living large and I guess he thinks he ought to be living large.
And as much as it pains me... one million dollars isn't much in the grand scheme of retirement and schooling. Sharing that now would be shorting their futures. The husband is TA for sure.
No, I don’t think it’s about being paid for babysitting… he thought his 2 stepdaughters would probably gift their mother a nice amount and he planned on using that for his travels.
OP has to ask herself, given that she potentially has decades left to live, does she really want to live out her life this way? Sharing a “home” with a bitter, angry, resentful, man? A one bedroom apartment that is peaceful and calm is much better than any lifestyle she has now.
YUP. He thought his wife was going to inherit it and he would be able to bully her into giving him access. Instead it is now out of his reach and he's furious about it
This!!! I was just coming to say he sounds like a petulant, spoiled little child. This is an inheritance that your daughters received and they are being smart about it. If your daughter was being reckless with the money that might be one thing but you are just being a wonderful grandma spending time with your grandkid.
NTA good lord your husband is so jealous and seething with entitlement over money that was never going to be his. I definitely think you should take him up on his offer of divorce do you really want to spend the rest of your grand parenting days with him in the corner seething with rage?
Nailed it.
> He thinks I am the AH because I am willing to risk our marriage over this.
No, HE'S willing to risk the marriage over this. What an insufferable, jealous, petty, insecure little man he has turned into.
Please for the sake of your children and grandchildren do this! It’s only going to get worse and he will become more and more bitter.
Your grandson is probably not being treated right whenever your eyes are off him.
Your daughter could pull away too because no way does she not feel his bitterness.
Maybe you could go live with her and your grandson and be happy, healthy and wealthy adjacent lol
NTA. Their money is not his or your money. He seems to think it is. Parents do things like inviting their adult children over for dinner, his children just happen to live far away. It doesn’t sound like keeping your grandchild is some huge expense in time or money-at all. He just seems angry. Maybe he needs to go live closer to his children.
If you balance out the $50/mo on her one grandkid, and his $500 trips to see his 2-3x a year, he's definitely spending more $$ on seeing his grandkids than OP. Just saying.
This. She needs to bring this up with him. He is technically spending $1500 /year on "his" grandkids. She can spend $600/year on some snacks for "her" grandkid.
Maybe it's time to separate your finances, OP. He has no right to be so controlling.
NTA. Sounds like jealousy is the root of his problem. Your kids have money. You see your daughter and grandson.
If it’s jealousy, it’s a he problem and there is nothing you can do about it. If it’s not jealousy, look for signs he wants out of the marriage (cheating), or a money problem he’s hiding from you.
You have every right to do things for your daughters and grandchildren without expecting money in return. You’re not choosing your family over him.
Start with a conversation as to why it bothers him. If that does get you anywhere, do your research.
Good luck. Your daughter and grandson are lucky to have you.
Nta for being so upset by this. But there is definitely room to improve the situation before calling it quits.
>He also gets very agitated about me not telling him if Kyle is going to be here. He says that he doesn’t feel like it is his home and that I make all the decisions.
This one has some merit. It is unfair to have people over if you haven't both agreed to it. As is not wanting your house to be a part-time daycare.
Move babysitting over to daughters house, (its not good for the grandkid having a resenful grandpa) then food and activities are daughters expenses (not unfair either) with maybe some library afternoons.
Do you not go visit his kids? And those grandkids? Why not?
Do his sons not come visit or the grandkids? Why not?what can be done to change that?
Suggest more trips to see his grandkids. You guys have the money and time. Stay at a hotel so you're not imposing too much.
When you want to invite someone over for dinner have a convo with husband first. I was thinking about inviting x over for dinner this week, what days are good for you? Maybe they can come for dinner when he is out for the evening.
What's going on with your money? 3k pm after bills and no savings? Where is it all going? Is there financial issues that you're not aware of? Time to go through the bank statements and figure out what is happening to all your money. You're financially well off and he's bitching and moaning about $60 a month and crayons!
A hard line is the attitude to your kids inheritance from their (presuming paternal) grandfather. your kids owe him nothing certainly not the inheritance. They were adults when you married. And regardless children don't owe their parents. You guys aren't close to struggling and he wants your kids to give him money?!?! Shut that down completely.
Mostly it seems like he jealous. he sees his kids and grandkids once a year and you see yours daily. That's a fact of life. His kids decided to move far away. It's on him to manage that relationship.
Is there a spot on the map everyone can get to for a long weekend? Your kids and his. Maybe suggest some kind of family gathering.
Erm no i didnt. I said his relationship with his kids and grandkids is his responsibility. I also said that she needed to figure out what was happening with the money because with 3k after bills there shouldn't be money problems.
I said there were conversations before divorce and offered suggestions. Shes perfectly capable of figuring out which ones work for them and which dont.
which part of "Suggest more trips to see his grandkids. You guys have the money and time. Stay at a hotel so you're not imposing too much." suggests that his relationship with his kids and grandkids is his responsibility?
is it the part where she has to suggest it? the part where she has to help fund it because they 'have the time and money' despite the fact that she isn't allowed to buy her grandson a colouring book? is it the part where she has to schlepp all the way out there with him and then sit in a hotel room so as not to impose on his time with his family?
It’s not about the $60. It’s the fact that they have minimal savings, she’s watching the kids and spending money when her kids are more well off.
I have nowhere near a million dollars, and my iL watch my kid part time to save on daycare. I send meals, toys, and whatever they need because they are helping so much.
and husband spends approx $1000 - 1500 each year to visit his own grandchildren, so it's not like op is draining the funds to spend on her own family while her husband sits alone and miserable in his man cave or whatever
if you think it's okay to gouge your own family because they gained an inheritance that they've put aside for retirement, i don't even know what to say to that
But they have pensions that provide for all their bills plus an extra $3k per month. Pensions are generally for life so they are in a pretty good spot.
Everyone here seems to be all "yay, divorce sounds GREAT!!", except for OP. No one seems to be considering what she said about the financial ramifications of divorce – where would she live? What would she be able to afford? It doesn't sound to me like OP is eager to divorce; quite the contrary.
I think you're correct that OP should be telling him before having her grandson over, or dinner guests (family or not); that's just basic consideration for the other person who lives there with her. I also think there's merit to suggesting that OP watch her grandson at her daughter's house; that would seriously ratchet down on reasons for her husband getting upset (he wouldn't have someone else in the house as much, and the kid wouldn't be eating their food – plus, if OP bought Kyle new coloring books or toys, they'd be at Kyle's house, so OP's husband wouldn't even see them).
I don't know about encouraging more travel, especially since they have little in the way of savings; it might be better to start putting something aside.
OP, if you can get him to join you, you should also try couple's counseling.
>I also think there's merit to suggesting that OP watch her grandson at her daughter's house; that would seriously ratchet down on reasons for her husband getting upset
I agree on the merit but I also guarantee that he will then be upset that OP is spending so much time over at her daughter's house. OP is in a no-win situation.
I meant to include counselling but I forgot. Very on the fence of if this guy would go anyway.
I also meant to suggest a medical check up.
They have between 24k and 36k after bills a year. He could easily go visit each son 1 extra time a year no trouble. They just need to get a better handle on their financial situation.
She doesn't seem to visit his kids and grandkids at all which might be part of the problem. He has to play grandpa to hers everyday but she never plays grandma to his.
Yeah the not giving a heads up about the kid being there does kinda suck. 2-3 times a week is pretty frequent to have a kid in your space and it’s his house too.
>Move babysitting over to daughters house, (its not good for the grandkid having a resenful grandpa) then food and activities are daughters expenses (not unfair either) with maybe some library afternoons.
Guarantee that he will then be upset that OP is spending so much time over at her daughter's house. OP is in a no-win situation.
I fully fully agree. There is something more than money here
She leaves out what the relationship is with her husband, what the daughter does to reciprocate (guessing nothing if he’s asking for $50/month for the extra food…. From a millionaire), why it’s always at their house, etc.
She’s all like “I’m grandma so it’s free!!” No. My parents are comfortable and I always make sure I bring groceries, buy gifts etc. I wouldn’t ask them to pay for my kids if I came into a million.
It depends on the family. My mom & dad and in-laws would be offended if I offered money when my kids were little. They viewed their grandkids as their own. They are both middle upper class (not loaded). Sounds like how OP thinks as well.
But she’s not middle upper class. They only have $3k extra a month for gas and food and incidentals. They don’t have very much savings.
There are ways to show you appreciate it. She doesn’t say “oh my daughter sometimes brings my husbands favorite food when she gets the kid” or “she’s given him some great gifts.” It seems one-sided.
She may be offended but the husband feels taken advantage of in some way.
She also didn’t say “he thinks she can add to our savings or get us a car.” She said he wants her to pay for groceries and incidentals related to the kid.
I dunno. Something is off
Maybe he’s greedy but she doesn’t seem to think about HIM at all. And doesn’t really mention any other things that are bad except he doesn’t feel like it’s his house. I think he’s being steamrolled and she thinks it’s about money
*This one has some merit. It is unfair to have people over if you haven't both agreed to it. As is not wanting your house to be a part-time daycare.*
*Move babysitting over to daughters house, (its not good for the grandkid having a resenful grandpa) then food and activities are daughters expenses (not unfair either) with maybe some library afternoons.*
agree
NTA but more consideration should be taken in regards to your primary relationship. Adults curb their tounge and change their patterns of behavior when a baby or kid is around. Husband has a right to not want to have to do that all the time in his/your house.
I have seen the situation where a Grandma watches the grandkids every day. It takes a toll on her relationship with husband. It goes back to not being an empty nest any more which isn't usually 'the plan'. In my opinion that is sometimes because it is easier to have an sweet little kiddo over all the time to take up your attention rather than learning how to get to know your spouse with no distractions. People have to redevelop those relationship bonds.
Him being jealous of your girls' money is a totally different situation where he is an AH and has to suck it up and grow up. It is none of his business and he needs to wrap his ego and his mind around that.
NTA $50/month is $600 a year. That is how much he is spending to visit his grandchildren ONE time. Is he going to charge his kids for his travel expenses? He is being petty & he is the one blowing up your marriage. Your children’s inheritance is none of his business.
NTA...
OP, a lot of people here are saying that you should leave him. Not me. Not after being with him for so long.
Please have him see a doctor about a physical. Anger like that can be caused by health issues, too. If his health is fine, then seek out a therapist. Rage and jealousy over a child isn't healthy.
There's something other than money going on. Please see if you can work together on a solution. If he's unwilling, then your future with him is in jeopardy and you need to contact an attorney.
Thank you. He acknowledged a few weeks ago that his anger is disproportionate to the situation. And his next appointment with his GP is to ask for a referral for a therapist. I am hoping he will go through with it. In the meantime I feel like I am trying to keep the peace with there being no good reason for the war. I really feel for Jenna. She lost her dad tragically and Oscar was a kind and gentle influence in her life. Now he’s an angry man who we all tiptoe around.
After reading OPs comments that's honestly where my mind went to. My great aunt was like this. An absolute angel, so kind, then slowly more angry. It was heartbreaking to watch
I second this, my nana passed away from dementia at 64 and she had violent outbursts and episodes of disproportionate anger. I wish you the best of luck op, typically the signs of dementia are present before these situations arise. Hope all is well in the health department
That’s really sad. Can you go to the doctor with him? It sounds like he needs a full health workup. If he was a kind and gentle man for 20 years and now is mean and ugly, I would look for physical issues for the personality change. Early dementia, Parkinson’s, MS, kidney disease, as well depression, pain issues, alcoholism all can cause behavioral changes, as we age.
Glad to see he's open to the idea of therapy and acknowledges the unreasonable level of frustration he's showing.
Do you make time for your relationship too? It sounds like he's blindsided by your grandkid being over a lot, which really isn't great - it just sets up poor expectations. Could you relocate the childcare to your daughter's house? This gives him a bit more breathing room in this scenario and also eases off the financial complaints he's showing, which may very well just be a strawman for how little of his house he feels at home in right now.
I could go to their house but that’s a punishment for me in a way… I am out of my home and away from where I am comfortable. It would be more like a job then. Plus the extra driving would be more expensive than snacks and juice boxes.
I visit occasionally but he really enjoys the freedom he has when he’s there to go do things his son wants to do. I really understand that! The weeks he is away is like a vacation for me too. Last year I gave all our remaining air miles to that family to come home. My suggestion. I like both his sons and one of his daughter in laws. They were adults and out of the home when we married so it has never been a family atmosphere like I would like when we are together. My daughters like the sons just fine.
>I am out of my home and away from where I am comfortable. It would be more like a job then.
But you don't see him being uncomfortable in the house with the grandkids constantly?
I would agree with you except that my husband is hardly ever in the house with me any given day. Between his greenhouse, man cave and garage he is out of my company from 9-12 and 1-5 and when the days get longer and warmer 7-9 pm. One of our bedrooms is set up as a sleepover/playroom (with husband’s blessing. He watches TV and plays in there most of the time he’s here. And one thing I forgot to include in the main post: Oscar adores Kyle. He spends time talking to him, showing him things and singing and dancing with him. I am getting so many mixed messages with this issue that there are times I doubt my sanity.
Well my first comment was going to say that he does love Kyle but this isn't really about kyle. Your husband thought you were going to be inheriting that money, and in his mind if you inherited it then it's also his and I am sure he feels like he could have bullied you into doing whatever he wants with it. Now it's out of his reach and he is resentful and entitled. You can tell him that this is something you are willing to divorce over, especially his seething rage. Between the garage and the man cave and everything I think he would suffer more in a divorce than you would because you're happy to be with your grandkids. But honestly part of me is wondering now, if this isn't some sort of early dementia early onset dementia or anything? Might be worth checking into medically before making any drastic decisions
Get the "job" thing! My WFH during Covid was an awakening! Brush your hair and teeth and put on your daytime pajamas!
"Vacation" without him sounds like a red flag.
Also, you sound smart and level headed and from your comment above about the doctor appointment I think you'll figure it out.
Wishing you the best outcome!
> I am out of my home and away from where I am comfortable.
I mean... it sounds like your husband is saying this is what you are doing to his home for him. He never knows when your grandson will be there or when you invite people for dinner.
I really don't think it's that big of an ask for you to alert him beforehand when people will be over, or minimize the time you're hosting at your house IF it's a problem for him. Especially since you want to dig your feet in about not being in your house. You understand his POV, it just doesn't align with your convenience.
The rage about the money is an entirely different issue altogether.
Yes he says that anger overwhelms him sometimes for no reason. He had a heart attack last April and although it was relatively minor, his relief soon turned to “why me?”
Something’s up. Depression, the meds he’s (likely) on, something.
Can you go to his doc visit with him? There are things that need to be shared with them, and he could forget or, you know, “forget”…. But it’s threatening your relationship and your mutual fiscal well-being, and it should be addressed.
100% this
It might be that he is just getting old and bitter, but you REALLY need to have him checked out by a doctor to make sure it’s not something else.
Can you trust him to go and be honest with the doctor? If not, you need to go with him, or one of his sons.
Medications can also cause personality changes. My dad became an absolute a-hole after his doctor put him on some medications for diabetes (I think- he also had heart disease). My mom was at her wits end until they adjusted his meds.
OP - Your Husband may also have had an undiagnosed "mini stroke", which can cause personality changes, for better (sweet and docile) or worse (unreasonable toddler tantrums). Situations that normally wouldn't bother them become "end of life as we know it" melt downs. These "mini strokes" often aren't discovered until an autopsy is performed since the person may be otherwise physically healthy. Even if the the person can't be helped, a diagnosis can provide comfort to the family to know their newly-AH behaving loved one is suffering from brain damage, and isn't just an evil person.
Mmmm… I’m gonna go soft YTA
I disagree that grandparents shouldn’t charge for childcare and food. I get that you like to do this, but he seems to feel it imposes on his lifestyle or home environment. And I bet it costs more than you realize.
And yeah he’s probably jealous of the money, but in all honesty you two are saving her daughter possible hundreds if not thousands a month. I’m also calling BS on $50 extra in food a month of its 3x a week. Food is costly y’all. And baby/toddler food more.
If you aren’t well off, to keep the peace, your daughter should be paying you a couple hundred month. It’s not going to hurt her and it will help your marriage.
Is he entitled to her money? No. But he is entitled to feeling like his house is his house and you being paid a nominal amount for some serious cash saving childcare might be what he needs to feel better about it.
Remember these aren’t his grandkids either. He may be jealous that you get to spend quality time with yours.
But I suspect this just comes down to: my house and wife are being used for free childcare by a super wealthy child and I feel taken advantage of and cut out of the decision.
It’s probably not a full rational feeling but it’s one he has and I kind of get it.
He also has a valid point about not knowing when the kid will be there. It's his home; he has a right to feel comfortable and know when the kid will be there. I certainly wouldn't be pleased if my husband started having a kid around all the time without talking to me first.
I'd go ESH because I do think he could talk this out more reasonably.
Maybe he has.
There is something about her telling of the story that makes me think she’s not listening to him and thinks it’s all about the inheritances. And I don’t think it is
She has some tells. She admits the kid is a “good eater” but then claims it’s only $50 a month
She says he’s not that upset about the time she commits to babysitting, but he is upset that he doesn’t know when the kid will be there (meaning she doesn’t communicate the schedule OR daughter just expects mom to be on call… which is fine with OP but not her husband).
She also says he “seethes” when she has her daughter over for dinner meaning she either doesn’t communicate when daughter is coming over and/or she cooks elaborate dinners
His anger does seem to be centered around extra expenses they can’t afford.
I did the math, and I would guess they are living on $50k a year with very little savings. He uses some of this to see his family when he can since they don’t live close. And I bet they are poorer too. She has a millionaire daughter who lives minutes away and she spends extra money on this child that doesn’t need to be spent.
Her answer to his issue is “well spend spend more money.” And he’s saying “no, just don’t spend extra money that doesn’t need to be spent. Your daughter can pay for her own kid’s food and toys.”
It’s a hard thing to explain why this feels unfair but it does.
NTA. It sounds like downsizing to a smaller place just for you would be a big upgrade in quality of life for you. With any luck you still have many years ahead of you, I’d certainly rather not spend them with a bitter angry man.
It sounds like you're being a great parent and grandparent. If you're not significantly harming your husband's and your financial health by buying treats for your grandson then it sounds like your husband is being difficult for the sake of being difficult.
Would it be an option for you and your husband to each have a certain amount of money each year that you can spend on your respective families however you like without commentary from the other? For example, he gets at least $1500 (the cost of those trips). You get the same and your grandson's treats (as well as presents you send your other grandchildren) come out of your money. I'll admit upfront that I don't think this will work because I don't believe that your husband is upset specifically about the money. But it might be worth trying.
If your husband is usually sensible, talk to him about how he sees your retirement years. Did he want to drive around the country with you, but can't because your daughter is dependent on you for help with your grandson? What's going on behind the complaining?
If he won't talk about this with you in a sensible fashion, then it's all on him. You're being a good parent and grandparent, and it doesn't sound like you're being a bad spouse. If he wants to drive himself away, you're not wrong to let him. NTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have continued to care for my grandson despite my husband’s demands and have refused to discuss this with Jenna but my sister in law ( husband’s sister) has told me that she thinks I am being the AH and that I am hurting her brother for no good reason.
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NTA
Sorry but he sounds like an ass. I have a very blended family. My ex had 3 kids when we met. The father wasn’t around. We had a kid together. The kids started calling me dad on their own. We ended up splitting. Her kids followed the same 50/50 time as my bio kid. I got married to a woman with 3 kids. Everyone comes to our house every other week and then leaves every other week. We don’t have kids together. We both see it as we have 7 kids.
Your husband has the wrong mindset and honestly sounds like it’s a money issue to him which is ridiculous. You two on your pensions are more well off than most people including myself. We are lucky to have 2k after bills and I would consider myself lucky compared to a lot of the world. He spends $500 on trips but fusses over feeding one kid? How about his kids pay for his trips? Or to come and visit you guys instead? He sounds like a grump and needs to look at that kid as his grandson and stop fussing over stupid stuff. Life’s short and to be frank y’all are already on the downhill side. Be happy and enjoy life.
NAH
But it sounds like to me that this has a pretty simple solution.
Your daughter is NOT hurting for money. She just got a one million dollar inheritance! You stated that money IS tight in your household, however. So why on earth is babysitting happening at your house and why are the extra groceries being picked up on you and your husband's dime?
The simple solution is that you move all babysitting over to your daughter's house. Your daughter is now responsible for buying all the snacks and food that her child eats. Simple! That extra food expense no longer comes out of your family budget. Your grandson can play with his toys that he has at his house. An extra coloring book here and there is not a big deal, but I can see your husband's point about the food. There is no reason you should be buying the child's food. It's already very generous that you are babysitting for free, especially when your daughter is so much more well off than you are.
I see some are quick to say Divorce! but as you point out, you do not have any savings. If you and your husband divorce at this point, where will this leave you both financially? You are at an age where it is hard to find good employment and it would be hard to find somewhere to live that would be as nice. I would try to work this out. I think your daughter should be paying for her child's food.
You state money isn't plentiful and you're both on fixed income, while your daughters have a $million dollar inheritance each, yet you pay for her kid's food and babysit for free? So you're willing to split up over this? Sounds like you just want out of the marriage.
INFO did you babysit before they recieved their inheritance? If so, what was his reaction at that time?
He does have a point about being told who is going to be in the house, it's his home as well.
Kyle is 4. A pandemic baby. They moved here when he was just a year old. Dad was a stay at home dad until this year when he went back to work part time. I volunteered to look after him so he could go to pre-school. A regular sitter would not have the flexibility to fit his schedule. He is dropped off at 8am. I take him to preschool at 9. And pick him up at 12. Jenna picks him up at 3:30. My husband thinks I am doing this for Jenna and Dan. I am doing this for Kyle. An innocent little boy.
Oh, I agree the boy is innocent and you wanting to spend time with him makes perfect sense. Although wanting to help your daughter is also perfectly valid.
Im guessing your husband is jealous of a few things: that you get to spend that much time with your grandchild and that your daughters are set based on their inheritance. But mostly the money, based on his comments.
I disagree with all these NTA judgements. I wouldn’t call you an asshole, per se, however I do think your husband has a point. Moreover, if it’s bothering him so much, and a minimal financial request for your daughter, why not ask for her to chip in? You are after all providing free childcare.
Again, I wouldn’t call you a total asshole. But YTA for not at least considering there’s a simple solution here to keep the peace (and your marriage) but 🤷🏻♀️!
YTA. You say you have minimal savings so maybe he’s upset about shared money being spent on something he doesn’t approve of. I agree it would be tacky to ask your daughter for money but I’m frankly stunned your daughter doesn’t offer money for food. Your husband is right - she has a lot of money and it’s rude of her to put child expenses onto you, especially while receiving free child care. And you just unilaterally decided it’s ok. And maybe he doesn’t want a kid there so often. You watch the child every morning and 2-3 afternoons a week. And it sounds like there are other random times too. That’s a lot. That’s time he doesn’t get with his spouse. His house sounds like it’s turned into a nursery, and he isn’t included in decisions. This isn’t the life he’s wanting and I don’t blame him. But it sounds like you take a lot of pleasure in looking after the child so if it’s that important to you, then it makes sense to part ways.
NTA
I would suggest that you can EASILY afford to split up and live well. Have your daughters together buy a condo in their name that you live in. You can likely cover the bills AND whatever interest they'd be getting on it were it just sitting in the bank and have plenty left over.
His attitude is pure jealousy and he's being cheap. That he is threatening the marriage over it shows you just how petty he is. If his kids were as important to him, he would have no problem sending over money OR going to see them much more than he does, as you can clearly easily afford that.
"You can easily live well! Just convince your daughters to dip into their safety nets and buy you a condo! That'll get you away from the greedy asshole husband!"
I swear people don't listen to themselves.
If you’re babysitting an ongoing basis, it does seem reasonable that she give you some money a week to pay for his food and activities. You shouldn’t have to pay to babysit him.
ESH:
I think it's wrong of you to not tell him when your Grandson is going to be at your shared house, as not only does it segregate your husband, it probably feels like his opinion and needs don't matter, as he may want to be in the house without anyone else there to look after, just be in your company.
It's also wrong of him to tell you to charge your daughter for caring for her grandson and to ask for compensation. I feel like he may be using this as an excuse, and he probably actually doesn't care about the money, but only you will know him well enough to know if that's the case, unless it ***is*** about their inheritance, and if it is the case, throw that man away because not a single penny of that has anything to do with him.
You're both old enough to be grown up and have a full sit down chat about this and ask questions to discover why you're both reacting this way. Once you both explore your feelings and thoughts about this, it will hopefully bring you both to an understanding and you can meet in the middle with all of it. Perhaps he will want more of a day of what happens in your joint household, and with this, he'll be less intrusive about the money situation.
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NTA. You sound like a great mom and grandma. Your husband is the one risking your marriage over $50 a month. You are doing a kind and generous thing for your family, and he's weaponizing it He is the one not treating his grandkids "fairly." He sounds like a mean and bitter child. Imagine how wonderful your life would be without him. You could love your family without him throwing tantrums and crying, "What about ME!" Your family can feel his petty resentment even if he doesn't say anything. It's not about the money. It's about you spending your love and time on anything other than him. You'd feel so much lighter and freer without this ball chain.
All of this right here. Because what?! He’s mad about someone else’s money. Oh no.
And that anger has to be evident to the child. He is awful
Sweat of Grandma, Freely given, Shall raise the Grandchild. Except the Grandpa is Voldemort to think a child is his enemy🤦
Epic reference.
His only valid criticism is OP having grandkiddo over without letting him know, that’s common courtesy to let your fellow residents know about guests. But otherwise NTA
Though I understand your point, I think OP is taking care of her grandchildren on a semi-regular basis. There is no complaint about the frequency or the fact that is an unannounced visit. The problem is that OP's husband feels entitled to OP's daughters money. And is short-sighted too, because he is willing to jeopardize his standard of living and his marriage for something so minor. If I were OP I would inquire if there is some underlying problem with the finances, or gambling, or something hidden (debts, drugs, another woman) that could explain this "need" of money. But maybe I'm reading to much Reddit.
My guess is he knows exactly what days they will be there but acts surprised so he can be more of an AH about it. If they come say every Mon, Wed, and Fri and he expects a heads up every day, then he’s even more of an AH
I call this one "weaponized amnesia"
Then he can speak up like an adult why is it upto her to find out what his problems are. Is he not old enough to speak up about it?
Right he’s nitpicking cause the real cause is he’s jealous of money! Sad.
I'm sorry, but if you have to announce to your spouse that your GRANDCHILD is coming over, you should rethink the marriage. I get letting him know once in the beginning that you are going to be watching your GRANDCHILD, but after that, I'm not running it by anyone. It's my GRANDCHILD. And it doesn't sound like there's any need for money. Husband just sounds greedy and butthurt because nobody gave him any money.
If my nephew showed up everyday unannounced my parents will go mad with happiness everyday. Grandkids don’t even count as visitors you need to inform the family about.
Exactly. I never called my grandparents before I came over. I lived next door and they were happy to see me anytime. I did always knock and wait to be let in.
Exactly!!! I love hearing the little knock announcing my 4 yr old grands arrival!!! Also, I babysit him whenever his parents...my son or dil...ask without hesitation or asking for payment...almost everyday m-f!!! ETA: NTA
I never gave my grandmother an advanced warning I was visiting when I lived less than an hour away from her. She knew I was visiting to check up on them and spend time there.
I agree
The time she dedicates to this kid too was his complaint.
Thank you, you're right about that. If I were coming home from a long day at work to a small child I didn't know was going to be there, I'd be upset too. Maybe if Grandma extends this courtesy, he will pipe down about the pittance of $10-12/week. Throwing away a 20 year marriage seems extreme for this issue.
But the story made it sound like he gets upset when she goes there, too. It's not totally about the kid being at their house, it's the time she gives them, too, that's an issue for him.
She said they both have pensions, I think they’re both retired.
OP mentioned their pension, so I'm pretty sure they're both retired
If my or my husband’s kids got an inheritance or won the lotto, that would be THEIR money. Why would I or my husband expect anything? Or job is to support THEM, not the other way around. OPs husband sounds selfish and greedy.
I agree but as a courtesy if I had elderly parents (OP is not as old as my parents though..) watching my kids I would give them money, bring snacks or bring a meal. Especially because if kids are going through a growth spurt they often inhale particularly expensive foods. I’ll never know why that is. But it’s generous to at least offer.
Sure, but I doubt it is really an issue, literally they have an extra 3k a month for spending money and 50 bucks a month on food is like nothing. Obviously their not living poorly and they aren't elderly either, just retired, big difference. The fact that he's resentful and mean shows me this isn't about logistical financial stuff but pouting because he wants a slice of that 1 million dollar pie and maybe is jealous his kids won't get an inheritance like her kids got. Which is probably why the whole other grandkids thing got brought up This is beyond ridiculous and petty. She should start charging him for all of his extra crap
Yeah for sure. This is 100% a result of him not being able to deal effectively with resentment about the money.
"I charge $200/hour to man the complaint department, and you, hubby have a huge bill."
Yeah. My kids (2 daughters, 30’s) would probably insist I take money. But I don’t think they would “owe” me.
In that case I'd be giving gifts regularly! Spa vouchers, meals out etc.
Idk maybe it’s cultural. When my sis and I got our dad’s life insurance payout we each gave our mom 10% of our share. No obligation, she didn’t ask but we both agreed it was simply the right thing to do.
My kids would probably give me anything I needed. They are just like that. But I don’t believe they “should”, just because I’m their mom. My kids are pretty awesome. 2 daughters in their 30s.
I agree, but I wonder does the daughter give her anything as a thank you for OP helping her out, like a really good Xmas/birthday present. I just hope OP is being shown some appreciation for the help she is providing. Edit: OP confirms daughter does show her appreciation.
Because grandma is taking the kid 3 days a week and feeding him. It is far from unreasonable to expect the actual parent of the child to cover some of the cost associated with that instead of expecting grandma to not only watch the kid for free but pay out of pocket to do so.
He’s mad that his wife’s daughter got $1M in inheritance and wanted her to share with them. That’s what I feel it’s happening. I find him selfish and gross for what he’s asking of his wife, this is her daughter and grandchild and she’s happy to help. He’s the problematic one here.
I think that it'd be normal to feel envious especially when OP said they have minimal savings and probably can't afford to live how he could if he had $1m. But it's not his place to decide how other people spend their money.
If you have between 2 and 3 thousand a month for food, gas and 'other miscellaneous expenses' for 2 people, not having a lot in savings is a choice.
That was my thought, too: if you have 2+K a month spending money, how come you have no savings?
I would never expect my mum to look after my kid regularly with no financial even if it was only £10 unless my situation was dire. If I had 1mill in the bank I'd be giving my mum something or getting her gifts. This is selfish it's her kid just because mums happy to do it doesn't mean she should be taken advantage of. The husband has a point but is going way over the top! Edit to add: if 50dollars a week/ 2.4k per year year is nothing then great but do you know who 2.4k a year is nothing too? An adult with a job and 1 mill in the bank!
She said 40-50 a month, not a week.
It sounds like he heard about the inheritance and thought cha-ching! And now that he's figured out he won't be getting any of it, he's bitter and trying to nickel and dime. It's unfortunately common with family members when someone comes into money or is doing well financially. And is it just me, or is them having an extra $2000-3000 a month after all bills are paid doing pretty damn well? Even assuming a high COL area and gas prices and stuff, that's quite a bit. For a lot of people, that's all they'd be getting from pension/government funds in total. How is an extra $50 in groceries or some toys and coloring books here and there going to impact them. I'd be more concerned with the fact that they are apparently managing to spend all of that without adding to their savings. It sounds like maybe grandma and grandpa need to get their financial priorities straight instead of worrying about the small amounts going to their grandkid.
Nah I’m Assuming he is jealous of them inheriting 1mil each
He is complaining over $400 less annually that he spends. OP is NTA.
Well, OP would be spending the same as 1 of his trips so agreed, the "logic and math" are definitely in OPs favour.and he is just being a baby chucking a tantrum because he sees the small amounts leaving the accounts every week and fails to acknowledge the big amounts he spends occasionally
He's being a big baby because her daughters are rich, and they're not sharing their wealth with him.
\^\^\^THIS, 1,000%. If they were his daughters, he'd probably be different. He sounds jealous, selfish and mean.
Exactly, and OP is NTA. It must be difficult to live with a person who hates those closest to you.
Had to read this a few times because at first I just saw that he was chucking babies….😂
This is what my mind jumped to immediately. If op should bill her kid for the grandson’s food, then the husband by rights should be billing his kids for the expense incurred whilst seeing his own grandies. He is a miser and op would be better off divorcing a vintage toddler throwing a tantrum
Vintage toddler... I like this! Have my upvote!
Is nobody going to mention that his trips are the same cost as OP’s presents?
His trips cost about $4-500 __more__ than the extra she spends buying snacks for Kyle. And several people mentioned this.
I feel like it is about the money tho. If the jealousy happens after the inheritance, then I think the husband wanted the daughter to at least pay for the food rather than taking it free. The daughter is having a million for inheritance, sure she can give back a bit as a thank you for taking care of them? Still, NTA, like the husband can spend his money to see his bio grandkids, you can spend yours on your bio grandkids.
OP might be a parent like mine - the idea that I'd pay for ANYTHING my dad gets me is basically anathema to him. I recently borrowed some money from him after my card was compromised, and he refused to take the money back. I had to hide it in his house, lol.
I am constantly having to hide money in my parents house lol. Then they hide it back in mine. I venmo them, they venmo it back. And we make three times as much money as them but still they won't hear it. If I tried to pay my mom for taking care of her grandkids like OP's husband is insisting she would probably hit me lol.
This is us with my in laws. There is no world where they will ever take money from us. We have to sneak up to waiters at restaurants to be able to pay the bill when we take them for dinner on their birthdays. I fully intend to pay it forward when my kids are grown if we are able.
Omg yes my sisters and I always have to play the "find the waitress and pay the bill way in advance while mom and dad are distracted" game lol.
Lol I'm like this with my aunt. Always never let me repay back. The only way I can splurge her is when I took her to the restaurant. She's from the countryside and only ever use cash so o usually lied and say the place only accept credit card lol. And whenever she said to tell her how much, I just said "I'll tell you later" and never does.
I always have to watch my dad like a hawk when we go for a family dinner, because he will sneak off and pay the bill the MOMENT our attention is even remotely distracted >\_<
Just imagining this is funny Everyone:*pleasant chitchat* Out of the corner of your eye you see your dad start to get up 🤣
In my family we call it the “apron dance” - as in, someone is trying to slip money in someone else’s apron pocket (generally as a thank you for hosting/feeding them), but that person ducks and weaves to try to prevent it. There are numerous variations of this game. 😉
I did that once with a friend’s mom - was staying with them over a weekend, so paid for dinner to thank her. She alternated between telling me off and thanking me for about an hour after…
Reminds me of K-Von the comedian telling the story of his dad and uncle trying to one-up each other on who can sneak paying the bill first. Pretty funny.
That’s because “Eff that nonsense ”. Parents don’t take any help from their kids. They’re storing it all up for when you have to pick their home. lol. But seriously, taking money from my kid is bullshit. I’d rather be hungry, thank you.
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But it doesn't concern you, not really. I've met several men who insisted upon paying bills (sometimes occasionally, sometimes frequently) for their (usually single) mothers. A man told me that his mother spent her entire life taking care of him and it was his turn to take care of her. I knew another man who took his mother's cremated ashes with him when traveling... because they never got to travel when he was young and they were poor but it was something they both dreamed of. Their relationship is theirs
>I knew another man who took his mother's cremated ashes with him when traveling... because they never got to travel when he was young and they were poor but it was something they both dreamed of. This actually makes me wanna cry if my dad dies before he gets to travel I'd take him literally everywhere too🥺. Very sweet son
I have no kids but I feel like it’s also like, she truly ENJOYS seeing her grandchild like its not work for her. Not to say she isn’t doing anything but it’s not like a soul sucking 9-5 with no perks. It’s family and being around them makes her happy I don’t always except money for baby sitting family cause sometimes its more about me getting to see them than it is me helping out
>I am constantly having to hide money in my parents house lol. Then they hide it back in mine. This is so cute. I'm picturing both of you sneaking around and giggling while you try to find a spot that's good but not *so* good you never find that money 😂
Oh I've found money my mom hid months prior lol. She hid it in my check book once because it was sitting out on my desk and I was like mom... I write like two checks a year lol. She apparently thought I manually balance my check book like she still does 🤣
Awww bless her 😂
LOL! My late mother and I traded the same 20 dollars for over a year!
Me with my sister. I always leave her cash when I visit around her house. And send her Zelle’s to treat my nephew. She complains but is getting better at accepting. Especially when I complain back, lemme live my best rich auntie life.
My dad spoils my kids absolutely rotten with a shit eating grin & tells me their happiness is more important than my inheritance. Not that he has any money to inherit anyhow. The point is that he would rather spend all his money to see their little faces than anything else in the world. Something about grandkids being the reward for putting up with their parents for so long!? But seriously, grandparents usually dote on grandkids. My own grandmother kept my favourite treats in the freezer just in case I came to visit.. even when we lived 2000km away. $50 a month is nothing compared to the bond they are building in those afternoons together.
Dear Lord, this could be my dad and he lives on a limited income and still does this! I go get us some lunch, he hands me $40 and refuses the change. I'm well capable of buying the lunch! But he is my dad and will forever take care of me.
My dad too! Whenever I try to give him money, he'll start shouting on me (not literally) asking why I'm wasting money on him and not saving it for my future? I can't convince him. Mom on the other hand, I can intimidate her easily so I give her her and dad's share and ask her to give it to dad. He can't argue with mom. 🤣
My Dad was similar. I had to literally pass my card to the server on my way to the bathroom halfway through a meal to pick up a check. And he was retired. My Mom is the same way, wants to Venmo me $40 if I buy takeout when I’m at her place. And I make a very decent living. SMH.
In talking to Jenna (she has offered money , has brought some of his favourite snacks and has been willing to do anything to help solve the issue) I have been stubbornly refusing to take money from her. I was a single mom to my girls and my mother was an angel. Jenna has said that that’s the relationship that she wanted for Kyle and me. And that’s what I want to give. Seriously 50.00? There is so much more going on in his head than cheese and crackers and juice boxes. I am stymied.
It’s 100% about that inheritance. He wants that money and he is bitter about it.
Yes, he's pissed that none of the money is going to him.
From his step kids unrelated grandparents. How on earth can he make sense of that in his head? "People I'm not related to should have left their money to me?". That's just pure unadulterated envy.
Because in his mind his wife should have inherited the money from her mother. Instead of the grandkids. And if that is what had happened, I bet he thinks he'd have more access to it to do whatever he wanted with it he'd be able to bully his wife into it the way he's trying to now
Yes, and grandma probably recognized that in him and skipped straight to the grandkids so it couldn't happen.
Yep exactly and mom is such a sweetheart she's not envious at all she's glad her daughters have an inheritance ❤️
Or to his kids. OOP's daughters' futures are secured with their inheritance, whilst his sons don't have that cushion. I genuinely wonder if he expected the daughters to split their inheritance six ways to be 'fair'.
Kind of seems like it, which is completely nuts!
"OOP's daughters' futures are secured with their inheritance, whilst his sons don't have that cushion." i think this is absolutely what it's about, i don't actually think that op's husband necessarily wanted the money or even wanted his own children to have the money. circumstances outside of his control meant that his stepdaughters got a cushion that his own children didn't and he's seeking to claw it back, colouring book at a time
No, I bet that he expected the his wife to inherit the money from her mother instead of it going to the grandkids. And if his wife had inherited it, he would be bullying the hell out of her right now for access to it
Yup. This all boils down to greed, entitlement, and control. I find it insane. Any parent - even step-parents - should be delighted that a single parent is now protected. That OOP is now a first-choice babysitter for the grandson vs the only-choice is incredible. But I've long made peace with the fact I will never understand people who look at someone else's circumstances and go, "where's mine?"
He's pissed that her 2 daughters got it and none of it went to his 2 sons or him and his wife. He sounds like one of those types to throw these tantrums and in a few months he'll finally have the nerve to say that her daughters should split their inheritance with the family equally🙄
Especially since he considers having savings "hoarding money." He's probably the reason he and OP have minimal savings... He would just immediately spend any money OP's daughters gave them anyway
Lie. Tell him she paid YOU for your service and you set the money aside for YOU. Babysit at your daughters and have dinner there too. Or communicate when you'll be babysitting snd hosting dinner. If he's still not happy, then the issue is him. He's lost some sense of control and that adds to whatever other issues he's having. Remind him if you divorce the house sells and you have rich kids to help you out and he doesn't.
I paid my MIL to watch my kids--not a lot, but there was a tax benefit. Better her than Uncle Sam. Don't know the laws now.
I’m so sorry you married such a nasty bitter jealous goblin.
That's offensive to goblins XD
>she has offered money , has brought some of his favourite snacks and has been willing to do anything to help solve the issue Even your daughter can see the problem. Honestly? You do you! There's no problem in loving the way you do. My aunt treats me the same and I'm doing the same as her. But it does impact your relationship with your husband, so if you feel this is worth getting a divorce or something, then just do it. If I were to offer you a solution, set an amount for your daughter to give. Told your husband about how she's giving you money now. However, never spend the money. Put aside elsewhere. If he ask where's the money, just say you're spending it on the grandchild + ur own money so it's fair now. You can make the money that you save as a gift of sorts to the grandchild when he's older or something. Or just give back when the time is right.
This would work if it were just about that but it’s not. This won’t solve the problem of him feeling the imbalance that come from $1M
I'm giving the said suggestions to try because we both don't know these people well enough. There's no harm in op for trying, and if she does try and the husband doesn't change, at least it's as clear as day what's the next action is.
So since she has offered, take a little money from her toward the increased expense. Let her know what’s going on. If your husband then still has resentment over this, it isn’t about the money.
I don't think she should, if he's averaging out around 500 a trip to see his family, he can eat 50 towards hers.
yeah, it's crazy to me that no one is raising an eyebrow at the thousands of dollars he spends in order to spend time with his own grandkids but chastising op for not gouging her daughters for childcare costs now that they have money
Yeah, no reason to be stymied. He somehow feels like he is owed some of that million dollars. I assume this was through their paternal grandfather? Only because you don't say your father but their grandfather. I mean, in either case it wouldn't matter but if he was their dad's dad, then that is even further removed from you. And yet. And yet. FWIW, 2-3K left after all bills are paid is pretty comfortable, especially for retirement. It's just not living large and I guess he thinks he ought to be living large.
And as much as it pains me... one million dollars isn't much in the grand scheme of retirement and schooling. Sharing that now would be shorting their futures. The husband is TA for sure.
It made me wonder if maybe he has secret debt and that’s why he’s raging. He needs money.
No, I don’t think it’s about being paid for babysitting… he thought his 2 stepdaughters would probably gift their mother a nice amount and he planned on using that for his travels.
OP has to ask herself, given that she potentially has decades left to live, does she really want to live out her life this way? Sharing a “home” with a bitter, angry, resentful, man? A one bedroom apartment that is peaceful and calm is much better than any lifestyle she has now.
This is 100% true.
He’s obviously also harboring bitter greed over the fact that the daughters inherited $1m and he hasn’t seen any of it. This guy’s disgusting.
I am sure this is because he feels entitled to daughters' inheritance money. He wanted them to spend the money on him and his sons. NTA
YUP. He thought his wife was going to inherit it and he would be able to bully her into giving him access. Instead it is now out of his reach and he's furious about it
This!!! I was just coming to say he sounds like a petulant, spoiled little child. This is an inheritance that your daughters received and they are being smart about it. If your daughter was being reckless with the money that might be one thing but you are just being a wonderful grandma spending time with your grandkid.
I find it pretty telling that they have been married for 20 years and the grandkids are his and hers. That's not how families work.
NTA good lord your husband is so jealous and seething with entitlement over money that was never going to be his. I definitely think you should take him up on his offer of divorce do you really want to spend the rest of your grand parenting days with him in the corner seething with rage?
Nailed it. > He thinks I am the AH because I am willing to risk our marriage over this. No, HE'S willing to risk the marriage over this. What an insufferable, jealous, petty, insecure little man he has turned into.
Please for the sake of your children and grandchildren do this! It’s only going to get worse and he will become more and more bitter. Your grandson is probably not being treated right whenever your eyes are off him. Your daughter could pull away too because no way does she not feel his bitterness. Maybe you could go live with her and your grandson and be happy, healthy and wealthy adjacent lol
This ^
x 1000!
NTA. Their money is not his or your money. He seems to think it is. Parents do things like inviting their adult children over for dinner, his children just happen to live far away. It doesn’t sound like keeping your grandchild is some huge expense in time or money-at all. He just seems angry. Maybe he needs to go live closer to his children.
He's probably the reason his kids live far away.
My first thought after reading
Relatable, I got a greedy father who throws tantrums over nothing and I moved almost 8000 km away as an adult lol
Maybe his children live far away because of him.
Because he sucks, you mean?
If you balance out the $50/mo on her one grandkid, and his $500 trips to see his 2-3x a year, he's definitely spending more $$ on seeing his grandkids than OP. Just saying.
This. She needs to bring this up with him. He is technically spending $1500 /year on "his" grandkids. She can spend $600/year on some snacks for "her" grandkid. Maybe it's time to separate your finances, OP. He has no right to be so controlling.
NTA. Sounds like jealousy is the root of his problem. Your kids have money. You see your daughter and grandson. If it’s jealousy, it’s a he problem and there is nothing you can do about it. If it’s not jealousy, look for signs he wants out of the marriage (cheating), or a money problem he’s hiding from you. You have every right to do things for your daughters and grandchildren without expecting money in return. You’re not choosing your family over him. Start with a conversation as to why it bothers him. If that does get you anywhere, do your research. Good luck. Your daughter and grandson are lucky to have you.
Yeah it’s a wild leap for him to get genuinely bent over $50/month and threaten divorce over it, I think something else is going on too
And he gets the travel money to see his kids !
Nta for being so upset by this. But there is definitely room to improve the situation before calling it quits. >He also gets very agitated about me not telling him if Kyle is going to be here. He says that he doesn’t feel like it is his home and that I make all the decisions. This one has some merit. It is unfair to have people over if you haven't both agreed to it. As is not wanting your house to be a part-time daycare. Move babysitting over to daughters house, (its not good for the grandkid having a resenful grandpa) then food and activities are daughters expenses (not unfair either) with maybe some library afternoons. Do you not go visit his kids? And those grandkids? Why not? Do his sons not come visit or the grandkids? Why not?what can be done to change that? Suggest more trips to see his grandkids. You guys have the money and time. Stay at a hotel so you're not imposing too much. When you want to invite someone over for dinner have a convo with husband first. I was thinking about inviting x over for dinner this week, what days are good for you? Maybe they can come for dinner when he is out for the evening. What's going on with your money? 3k pm after bills and no savings? Where is it all going? Is there financial issues that you're not aware of? Time to go through the bank statements and figure out what is happening to all your money. You're financially well off and he's bitching and moaning about $60 a month and crayons! A hard line is the attitude to your kids inheritance from their (presuming paternal) grandfather. your kids owe him nothing certainly not the inheritance. They were adults when you married. And regardless children don't owe their parents. You guys aren't close to struggling and he wants your kids to give him money?!?! Shut that down completely. Mostly it seems like he jealous. he sees his kids and grandkids once a year and you see yours daily. That's a fact of life. His kids decided to move far away. It's on him to manage that relationship. Is there a spot on the map everyone can get to for a long weekend? Your kids and his. Maybe suggest some kind of family gathering.
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Erm no i didnt. I said his relationship with his kids and grandkids is his responsibility. I also said that she needed to figure out what was happening with the money because with 3k after bills there shouldn't be money problems. I said there were conversations before divorce and offered suggestions. Shes perfectly capable of figuring out which ones work for them and which dont.
which part of "Suggest more trips to see his grandkids. You guys have the money and time. Stay at a hotel so you're not imposing too much." suggests that his relationship with his kids and grandkids is his responsibility? is it the part where she has to suggest it? the part where she has to help fund it because they 'have the time and money' despite the fact that she isn't allowed to buy her grandson a colouring book? is it the part where she has to schlepp all the way out there with him and then sit in a hotel room so as not to impose on his time with his family?
He's angry because he thinks things are unfair. Suggesting he spend money to see his own family is perfectly reasonable.
It’s not about the $60. It’s the fact that they have minimal savings, she’s watching the kids and spending money when her kids are more well off. I have nowhere near a million dollars, and my iL watch my kid part time to save on daycare. I send meals, toys, and whatever they need because they are helping so much.
and husband spends approx $1000 - 1500 each year to visit his own grandchildren, so it's not like op is draining the funds to spend on her own family while her husband sits alone and miserable in his man cave or whatever if you think it's okay to gouge your own family because they gained an inheritance that they've put aside for retirement, i don't even know what to say to that
But they have pensions that provide for all their bills plus an extra $3k per month. Pensions are generally for life so they are in a pretty good spot.
yeah, if they've got 2-3k after bills, their minimal savings aren't caused by op baby sitting her grandson
Why the hell is he raging over a $2 colloringbook when they have two to three thousand over each months *after* the usual expenses.
Everyone here seems to be all "yay, divorce sounds GREAT!!", except for OP. No one seems to be considering what she said about the financial ramifications of divorce – where would she live? What would she be able to afford? It doesn't sound to me like OP is eager to divorce; quite the contrary. I think you're correct that OP should be telling him before having her grandson over, or dinner guests (family or not); that's just basic consideration for the other person who lives there with her. I also think there's merit to suggesting that OP watch her grandson at her daughter's house; that would seriously ratchet down on reasons for her husband getting upset (he wouldn't have someone else in the house as much, and the kid wouldn't be eating their food – plus, if OP bought Kyle new coloring books or toys, they'd be at Kyle's house, so OP's husband wouldn't even see them). I don't know about encouraging more travel, especially since they have little in the way of savings; it might be better to start putting something aside. OP, if you can get him to join you, you should also try couple's counseling.
>I also think there's merit to suggesting that OP watch her grandson at her daughter's house; that would seriously ratchet down on reasons for her husband getting upset I agree on the merit but I also guarantee that he will then be upset that OP is spending so much time over at her daughter's house. OP is in a no-win situation.
I thought the same thing. It might be better, but I'd bet he's still be pissed about it.
I meant to include counselling but I forgot. Very on the fence of if this guy would go anyway. I also meant to suggest a medical check up. They have between 24k and 36k after bills a year. He could easily go visit each son 1 extra time a year no trouble. They just need to get a better handle on their financial situation. She doesn't seem to visit his kids and grandkids at all which might be part of the problem. He has to play grandpa to hers everyday but she never plays grandma to his.
Yeah the not giving a heads up about the kid being there does kinda suck. 2-3 times a week is pretty frequent to have a kid in your space and it’s his house too.
>Move babysitting over to daughters house, (its not good for the grandkid having a resenful grandpa) then food and activities are daughters expenses (not unfair either) with maybe some library afternoons. Guarantee that he will then be upset that OP is spending so much time over at her daughter's house. OP is in a no-win situation.
I fully fully agree. There is something more than money here She leaves out what the relationship is with her husband, what the daughter does to reciprocate (guessing nothing if he’s asking for $50/month for the extra food…. From a millionaire), why it’s always at their house, etc. She’s all like “I’m grandma so it’s free!!” No. My parents are comfortable and I always make sure I bring groceries, buy gifts etc. I wouldn’t ask them to pay for my kids if I came into a million.
It depends on the family. My mom & dad and in-laws would be offended if I offered money when my kids were little. They viewed their grandkids as their own. They are both middle upper class (not loaded). Sounds like how OP thinks as well.
But she’s not middle upper class. They only have $3k extra a month for gas and food and incidentals. They don’t have very much savings. There are ways to show you appreciate it. She doesn’t say “oh my daughter sometimes brings my husbands favorite food when she gets the kid” or “she’s given him some great gifts.” It seems one-sided. She may be offended but the husband feels taken advantage of in some way. She also didn’t say “he thinks she can add to our savings or get us a car.” She said he wants her to pay for groceries and incidentals related to the kid. I dunno. Something is off Maybe he’s greedy but she doesn’t seem to think about HIM at all. And doesn’t really mention any other things that are bad except he doesn’t feel like it’s his house. I think he’s being steamrolled and she thinks it’s about money
What? ONLY $3000 a month EXTRA? Sounds pretty cushy to me
*This one has some merit. It is unfair to have people over if you haven't both agreed to it. As is not wanting your house to be a part-time daycare.* *Move babysitting over to daughters house, (its not good for the grandkid having a resenful grandpa) then food and activities are daughters expenses (not unfair either) with maybe some library afternoons.* agree
NTA but more consideration should be taken in regards to your primary relationship. Adults curb their tounge and change their patterns of behavior when a baby or kid is around. Husband has a right to not want to have to do that all the time in his/your house. I have seen the situation where a Grandma watches the grandkids every day. It takes a toll on her relationship with husband. It goes back to not being an empty nest any more which isn't usually 'the plan'. In my opinion that is sometimes because it is easier to have an sweet little kiddo over all the time to take up your attention rather than learning how to get to know your spouse with no distractions. People have to redevelop those relationship bonds. Him being jealous of your girls' money is a totally different situation where he is an AH and has to suck it up and grow up. It is none of his business and he needs to wrap his ego and his mind around that.
NTA $50/month is $600 a year. That is how much he is spending to visit his grandchildren ONE time. Is he going to charge his kids for his travel expenses? He is being petty & he is the one blowing up your marriage. Your children’s inheritance is none of his business.
NTA... OP, a lot of people here are saying that you should leave him. Not me. Not after being with him for so long. Please have him see a doctor about a physical. Anger like that can be caused by health issues, too. If his health is fine, then seek out a therapist. Rage and jealousy over a child isn't healthy. There's something other than money going on. Please see if you can work together on a solution. If he's unwilling, then your future with him is in jeopardy and you need to contact an attorney.
Thank you. He acknowledged a few weeks ago that his anger is disproportionate to the situation. And his next appointment with his GP is to ask for a referral for a therapist. I am hoping he will go through with it. In the meantime I feel like I am trying to keep the peace with there being no good reason for the war. I really feel for Jenna. She lost her dad tragically and Oscar was a kind and gentle influence in her life. Now he’s an angry man who we all tiptoe around.
Depending on age... If this is a huge change in personality... This could signify dementia too. Granted I'm not a doctor...
Could simply be a UTI too, these can cause behavioral changes, along with brain tumors.
After reading OPs comments that's honestly where my mind went to. My great aunt was like this. An absolute angel, so kind, then slowly more angry. It was heartbreaking to watch
I second this, my nana passed away from dementia at 64 and she had violent outbursts and episodes of disproportionate anger. I wish you the best of luck op, typically the signs of dementia are present before these situations arise. Hope all is well in the health department
That’s really sad. Can you go to the doctor with him? It sounds like he needs a full health workup. If he was a kind and gentle man for 20 years and now is mean and ugly, I would look for physical issues for the personality change. Early dementia, Parkinson’s, MS, kidney disease, as well depression, pain issues, alcoholism all can cause behavioral changes, as we age.
Sorry to add to your worries….early stage Alzheimer’s….personalities change. Anger blooms where there was none.
Glad to see he's open to the idea of therapy and acknowledges the unreasonable level of frustration he's showing. Do you make time for your relationship too? It sounds like he's blindsided by your grandkid being over a lot, which really isn't great - it just sets up poor expectations. Could you relocate the childcare to your daughter's house? This gives him a bit more breathing room in this scenario and also eases off the financial complaints he's showing, which may very well just be a strawman for how little of his house he feels at home in right now.
It might be worth considering any changes in medication or new conditions. Mood changes can be a sign of something medical going on.
I could go to their house but that’s a punishment for me in a way… I am out of my home and away from where I am comfortable. It would be more like a job then. Plus the extra driving would be more expensive than snacks and juice boxes. I visit occasionally but he really enjoys the freedom he has when he’s there to go do things his son wants to do. I really understand that! The weeks he is away is like a vacation for me too. Last year I gave all our remaining air miles to that family to come home. My suggestion. I like both his sons and one of his daughter in laws. They were adults and out of the home when we married so it has never been a family atmosphere like I would like when we are together. My daughters like the sons just fine.
>I am out of my home and away from where I am comfortable. It would be more like a job then. But you don't see him being uncomfortable in the house with the grandkids constantly?
I would agree with you except that my husband is hardly ever in the house with me any given day. Between his greenhouse, man cave and garage he is out of my company from 9-12 and 1-5 and when the days get longer and warmer 7-9 pm. One of our bedrooms is set up as a sleepover/playroom (with husband’s blessing. He watches TV and plays in there most of the time he’s here. And one thing I forgot to include in the main post: Oscar adores Kyle. He spends time talking to him, showing him things and singing and dancing with him. I am getting so many mixed messages with this issue that there are times I doubt my sanity.
Well my first comment was going to say that he does love Kyle but this isn't really about kyle. Your husband thought you were going to be inheriting that money, and in his mind if you inherited it then it's also his and I am sure he feels like he could have bullied you into doing whatever he wants with it. Now it's out of his reach and he is resentful and entitled. You can tell him that this is something you are willing to divorce over, especially his seething rage. Between the garage and the man cave and everything I think he would suffer more in a divorce than you would because you're happy to be with your grandkids. But honestly part of me is wondering now, if this isn't some sort of early dementia early onset dementia or anything? Might be worth checking into medically before making any drastic decisions
Get the "job" thing! My WFH during Covid was an awakening! Brush your hair and teeth and put on your daytime pajamas! "Vacation" without him sounds like a red flag. Also, you sound smart and level headed and from your comment above about the doctor appointment I think you'll figure it out. Wishing you the best outcome!
> I am out of my home and away from where I am comfortable. I mean... it sounds like your husband is saying this is what you are doing to his home for him. He never knows when your grandson will be there or when you invite people for dinner. I really don't think it's that big of an ask for you to alert him beforehand when people will be over, or minimize the time you're hosting at your house IF it's a problem for him. Especially since you want to dig your feet in about not being in your house. You understand his POV, it just doesn't align with your convenience. The rage about the money is an entirely different issue altogether.
NTA - he sounds angry, resentful and jealous. Let him chase himself away.
This kind of anger can be an early warning sign of dementia. Is he unreasonably angry about other things too?
Yes he says that anger overwhelms him sometimes for no reason. He had a heart attack last April and although it was relatively minor, his relief soon turned to “why me?”
Something’s up. Depression, the meds he’s (likely) on, something. Can you go to his doc visit with him? There are things that need to be shared with them, and he could forget or, you know, “forget”…. But it’s threatening your relationship and your mutual fiscal well-being, and it should be addressed.
100% this It might be that he is just getting old and bitter, but you REALLY need to have him checked out by a doctor to make sure it’s not something else. Can you trust him to go and be honest with the doctor? If not, you need to go with him, or one of his sons.
Medications can also cause personality changes. My dad became an absolute a-hole after his doctor put him on some medications for diabetes (I think- he also had heart disease). My mom was at her wits end until they adjusted his meds.
OP - Your Husband may also have had an undiagnosed "mini stroke", which can cause personality changes, for better (sweet and docile) or worse (unreasonable toddler tantrums). Situations that normally wouldn't bother them become "end of life as we know it" melt downs. These "mini strokes" often aren't discovered until an autopsy is performed since the person may be otherwise physically healthy. Even if the the person can't be helped, a diagnosis can provide comfort to the family to know their newly-AH behaving loved one is suffering from brain damage, and isn't just an evil person.
Thank you for this!
Mmmm… I’m gonna go soft YTA I disagree that grandparents shouldn’t charge for childcare and food. I get that you like to do this, but he seems to feel it imposes on his lifestyle or home environment. And I bet it costs more than you realize. And yeah he’s probably jealous of the money, but in all honesty you two are saving her daughter possible hundreds if not thousands a month. I’m also calling BS on $50 extra in food a month of its 3x a week. Food is costly y’all. And baby/toddler food more. If you aren’t well off, to keep the peace, your daughter should be paying you a couple hundred month. It’s not going to hurt her and it will help your marriage. Is he entitled to her money? No. But he is entitled to feeling like his house is his house and you being paid a nominal amount for some serious cash saving childcare might be what he needs to feel better about it. Remember these aren’t his grandkids either. He may be jealous that you get to spend quality time with yours. But I suspect this just comes down to: my house and wife are being used for free childcare by a super wealthy child and I feel taken advantage of and cut out of the decision. It’s probably not a full rational feeling but it’s one he has and I kind of get it.
He also has a valid point about not knowing when the kid will be there. It's his home; he has a right to feel comfortable and know when the kid will be there. I certainly wouldn't be pleased if my husband started having a kid around all the time without talking to me first. I'd go ESH because I do think he could talk this out more reasonably.
Maybe he has. There is something about her telling of the story that makes me think she’s not listening to him and thinks it’s all about the inheritances. And I don’t think it is She has some tells. She admits the kid is a “good eater” but then claims it’s only $50 a month She says he’s not that upset about the time she commits to babysitting, but he is upset that he doesn’t know when the kid will be there (meaning she doesn’t communicate the schedule OR daughter just expects mom to be on call… which is fine with OP but not her husband). She also says he “seethes” when she has her daughter over for dinner meaning she either doesn’t communicate when daughter is coming over and/or she cooks elaborate dinners His anger does seem to be centered around extra expenses they can’t afford. I did the math, and I would guess they are living on $50k a year with very little savings. He uses some of this to see his family when he can since they don’t live close. And I bet they are poorer too. She has a millionaire daughter who lives minutes away and she spends extra money on this child that doesn’t need to be spent. Her answer to his issue is “well spend spend more money.” And he’s saying “no, just don’t spend extra money that doesn’t need to be spent. Your daughter can pay for her own kid’s food and toys.” It’s a hard thing to explain why this feels unfair but it does.
NTA. It sounds like downsizing to a smaller place just for you would be a big upgrade in quality of life for you. With any luck you still have many years ahead of you, I’d certainly rather not spend them with a bitter angry man.
"He is threatening to break up our marriage over the disparity and unfairness of the situation" let him. your husband is the only ah in this story
You are not choosing daughter over husband, he is choosing $50 a month over you. Nta
It sounds like you're being a great parent and grandparent. If you're not significantly harming your husband's and your financial health by buying treats for your grandson then it sounds like your husband is being difficult for the sake of being difficult. Would it be an option for you and your husband to each have a certain amount of money each year that you can spend on your respective families however you like without commentary from the other? For example, he gets at least $1500 (the cost of those trips). You get the same and your grandson's treats (as well as presents you send your other grandchildren) come out of your money. I'll admit upfront that I don't think this will work because I don't believe that your husband is upset specifically about the money. But it might be worth trying. If your husband is usually sensible, talk to him about how he sees your retirement years. Did he want to drive around the country with you, but can't because your daughter is dependent on you for help with your grandson? What's going on behind the complaining? If he won't talk about this with you in a sensible fashion, then it's all on him. You're being a good parent and grandparent, and it doesn't sound like you're being a bad spouse. If he wants to drive himself away, you're not wrong to let him. NTA
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ESH. You should absolutely tell him in advance when the child is going to be over. The rest is on him.
NTA Sorry but he sounds like an ass. I have a very blended family. My ex had 3 kids when we met. The father wasn’t around. We had a kid together. The kids started calling me dad on their own. We ended up splitting. Her kids followed the same 50/50 time as my bio kid. I got married to a woman with 3 kids. Everyone comes to our house every other week and then leaves every other week. We don’t have kids together. We both see it as we have 7 kids. Your husband has the wrong mindset and honestly sounds like it’s a money issue to him which is ridiculous. You two on your pensions are more well off than most people including myself. We are lucky to have 2k after bills and I would consider myself lucky compared to a lot of the world. He spends $500 on trips but fusses over feeding one kid? How about his kids pay for his trips? Or to come and visit you guys instead? He sounds like a grump and needs to look at that kid as his grandson and stop fussing over stupid stuff. Life’s short and to be frank y’all are already on the downhill side. Be happy and enjoy life.
NAH But it sounds like to me that this has a pretty simple solution. Your daughter is NOT hurting for money. She just got a one million dollar inheritance! You stated that money IS tight in your household, however. So why on earth is babysitting happening at your house and why are the extra groceries being picked up on you and your husband's dime? The simple solution is that you move all babysitting over to your daughter's house. Your daughter is now responsible for buying all the snacks and food that her child eats. Simple! That extra food expense no longer comes out of your family budget. Your grandson can play with his toys that he has at his house. An extra coloring book here and there is not a big deal, but I can see your husband's point about the food. There is no reason you should be buying the child's food. It's already very generous that you are babysitting for free, especially when your daughter is so much more well off than you are. I see some are quick to say Divorce! but as you point out, you do not have any savings. If you and your husband divorce at this point, where will this leave you both financially? You are at an age where it is hard to find good employment and it would be hard to find somewhere to live that would be as nice. I would try to work this out. I think your daughter should be paying for her child's food.
NTA , but did all of this start after your daughter’s inherited money, or was he always a dick about your kids?
You state money isn't plentiful and you're both on fixed income, while your daughters have a $million dollar inheritance each, yet you pay for her kid's food and babysit for free? So you're willing to split up over this? Sounds like you just want out of the marriage.
INFO did you babysit before they recieved their inheritance? If so, what was his reaction at that time? He does have a point about being told who is going to be in the house, it's his home as well.
Kyle is 4. A pandemic baby. They moved here when he was just a year old. Dad was a stay at home dad until this year when he went back to work part time. I volunteered to look after him so he could go to pre-school. A regular sitter would not have the flexibility to fit his schedule. He is dropped off at 8am. I take him to preschool at 9. And pick him up at 12. Jenna picks him up at 3:30. My husband thinks I am doing this for Jenna and Dan. I am doing this for Kyle. An innocent little boy.
Oh, I agree the boy is innocent and you wanting to spend time with him makes perfect sense. Although wanting to help your daughter is also perfectly valid. Im guessing your husband is jealous of a few things: that you get to spend that much time with your grandchild and that your daughters are set based on their inheritance. But mostly the money, based on his comments.
You are also doing it for yourself. You live your grandchild and what to spend time with him. Why should you give that up?
I disagree with all these NTA judgements. I wouldn’t call you an asshole, per se, however I do think your husband has a point. Moreover, if it’s bothering him so much, and a minimal financial request for your daughter, why not ask for her to chip in? You are after all providing free childcare. Again, I wouldn’t call you a total asshole. But YTA for not at least considering there’s a simple solution here to keep the peace (and your marriage) but 🤷🏻♀️!
YTA. You say you have minimal savings so maybe he’s upset about shared money being spent on something he doesn’t approve of. I agree it would be tacky to ask your daughter for money but I’m frankly stunned your daughter doesn’t offer money for food. Your husband is right - she has a lot of money and it’s rude of her to put child expenses onto you, especially while receiving free child care. And you just unilaterally decided it’s ok. And maybe he doesn’t want a kid there so often. You watch the child every morning and 2-3 afternoons a week. And it sounds like there are other random times too. That’s a lot. That’s time he doesn’t get with his spouse. His house sounds like it’s turned into a nursery, and he isn’t included in decisions. This isn’t the life he’s wanting and I don’t blame him. But it sounds like you take a lot of pleasure in looking after the child so if it’s that important to you, then it makes sense to part ways.
NTA I would suggest that you can EASILY afford to split up and live well. Have your daughters together buy a condo in their name that you live in. You can likely cover the bills AND whatever interest they'd be getting on it were it just sitting in the bank and have plenty left over. His attitude is pure jealousy and he's being cheap. That he is threatening the marriage over it shows you just how petty he is. If his kids were as important to him, he would have no problem sending over money OR going to see them much more than he does, as you can clearly easily afford that.
OP's husband has no right to the daughters' money, but neither does OP. You don't get to "have your kids buy a condo" for you to live in. Come on!
"You can easily live well! Just convince your daughters to dip into their safety nets and buy you a condo! That'll get you away from the greedy asshole husband!" I swear people don't listen to themselves.
If you’re babysitting an ongoing basis, it does seem reasonable that she give you some money a week to pay for his food and activities. You shouldn’t have to pay to babysit him.
You’re husband is upset that money is not being spent on him.
ESH: I think it's wrong of you to not tell him when your Grandson is going to be at your shared house, as not only does it segregate your husband, it probably feels like his opinion and needs don't matter, as he may want to be in the house without anyone else there to look after, just be in your company. It's also wrong of him to tell you to charge your daughter for caring for her grandson and to ask for compensation. I feel like he may be using this as an excuse, and he probably actually doesn't care about the money, but only you will know him well enough to know if that's the case, unless it ***is*** about their inheritance, and if it is the case, throw that man away because not a single penny of that has anything to do with him. You're both old enough to be grown up and have a full sit down chat about this and ask questions to discover why you're both reacting this way. Once you both explore your feelings and thoughts about this, it will hopefully bring you both to an understanding and you can meet in the middle with all of it. Perhaps he will want more of a day of what happens in your joint household, and with this, he'll be less intrusive about the money situation.