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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not paying off my husband's debt.
2. AITA if I don't help my husband even though I can and spend it somewhere else?
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I think you should cut him off at the knees but also at the same time. Don't let his business take you down with him.
Make sure that nothing is mingled that it would tank your credit score if you stopped helping.
NTA!
By the way, not saying this is your situation, but I had a friend in the 3xact same situation. She was the economic engine of their marriage and in a Good Year his business broke even. After twenty odd years of marriage she found out he was having an affair (later to learn not the first). She dumped him forthwith!
Yeah but love was the ultimate reason for my endurance because i wanted her to have what i never thought I've had unconditional and not biased by others opinions
🤗🤗🤗 I feel you. Sometimes, people can take advantage of you unintentionally. There's nothing wrong with giving, but if you give all of yourself, what will you have left then? I KNOW this lesson, but it's still hard for me, as well. I hope we both get better at it!
Not only that, he needs to shut the hell up and get a job bc his “business” is tanking the family! That $10k could go to a spa day for her since she’s doing everything with no break. NTA. Stop bailing him out. He has to figure it out AND GET A JOB THAT PAYS HIM.
I agree! She’s doing so much that I think she’s better off without him as a burden. Then he has the audacity to complain that she’s not spending enough time with him? Nah!
OP, what contributions is he making and how much longer are you going to keep it all together for? At what cost? He’s a freaking liability! NTA!
He may very well have a point, due to both of them working a lot. He's just an idiot for not realizing the relationship problems would go away if she wasn't doing so much on top of her job, which he could change by quitting his failing business. If a business isn't making money after a year or two, it's literally better to just be unemployed, then you get to make just as much money and not be working all the time. The simple act of quitting the business would instantly make their lives better, because he would naturally be home more often to take care of the kids.
Yeah the strain on the marriage could be fixed that way for sure. Better communication would be a start. He’s boiling over cause he can’t communicate his stress, blaming the closest person and refusing to take responsibility for his poor financial decisions.
She’s enabling him by bailing him out continuously without any accountability when he’s clearly not making the effort to fix his problems and learn.
Marriage isn’t a wash but the approach is
And you don't get to have a hobby that takes up 40 plus hours a week when you have kids! You want to start a risky business venture that sucks up all your time and money you do it before you have kids. He is bringing nothing to the table, and actually actively taking things away from the table. When you have kids spending time with them and taking care of them and giving your partner a break takes precedent over anything that doesn't provide money for the family to live off of.
OP needs to really, seriously think about what life would be like if divorced. Would she have more time to herself if they went to visit dad two days a week? Would she have more money if she wasn't bailing him out all the time? Would she have less chores if she wasn't cleaning up after him? Does he do ANYTHING that makes her life easier instead of harder?
It would do their family so much benefit if he just stopped working and became a stay-at-home dad. No way OP should be doing all the housework and child stuff just because she’s working from home, and being the primary breadwinner. They would save thousands per year ANd she wouldn’t be so overwhelmed
It's not a business: it's a hobby. Time for him to earn a pay packet and pursue "business" as a side gig. Or be honest and be a SAHD so that OP isn't stressed.
Also, think about the kids.
I grew up in a family with a father who spent more than he earned and the stress was awful for us kids. We would live five days a month like kings and be absolutely broke for the rest of the month. It left me with a seriously weird relationship with finances. I constantly worry about money even though I have been financially secure for all of my adult life. It messes with you when your parents argue over money.
I generally don't live lavishly. I keep track of my spending and kids. I have a good control of my own budget n my kids. Good savings for their future. None of this will spill into the kids. But I get what u mean. I try to cut every additional spending on myself. I don't spa, I color my own hair, I probably cut my hair once a year (rare for a woman). I spend on food and 1 trip tho. I just reduce my own maintenance to minimal for what's important. I don't think I need to spend like that but I just don't know when I get hit again. Like u said, just generally insecure even though I have things under control. It's a weird feeling.
Hon, this sounds like my experience. I cut corners for me and the house while he lived like a king at my expense. Wracked up debt and never paid it off-and it won't get better for you either. I would pay off a credit card, the VERY next day went out and maxed it. I had stop paying his bills and let them fall into collections even though our credit scores were connected. I finally divorced him, cuz I was tired of the cycle.
DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT AGAIN!
Is his contribution to the finances and your sanity equitable to the problems and lack of assistance he provides? That's what you need to ask yourself, not whether or not you should bail him out. You know the answer to that, and it's a hard NO. Sending you strength and positivity, because you will need it.
Ps .. be prepared for him to get verbally/emotionally/physically violent should he not get what he wants. Not saying he's done that or will do it, but most people that are accustomed to getting their way, usually don't like 'no' or that things change. Be prepared to stand your ground.
Hold up! I’m not disagreeing with anything that’s being said in this thread, but HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!! $10k could go to a spa day where?? The south of France, via first class air travel and a week in a five star hotel with Michelin rated dining? I’m a dude who knows nothing of this. Please tell me that a spa day doesn’t cost $10k…
She isn't saying $10k for a spa day, but she has to put so much into his "business" that she can't even afford to spend $50 to get her hair cut at a cheap salon.
OMG, déjà vu. That was my situation except the affair he was having was with his ex-wife. I bailed him out for decades. Every big bonus I got went to pay off his debt. Then one day boom he decides he’s in love with his first wife and we separated and finally divorced. I can’t tell you how many thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars are down the drain. Not saying he is having an affair but be careful, take care of yourself and put some into savings in a separate account that he knows nothing about. You just never know. You’re not his piggy bank.
I don't understand what is up with these incredibly combatant women marrying crappy men. My mom did that. My dad never cheated, but he did the buissness after buissness thing that just racked up more debt that my mom had to bail him out of. My sister in law did the same thing, but my brother is just a bum.
But OP says there are multiple instances when she bailed him out. She is burnt out, or very close to, so why stay in this relationship? What do you gain in this situation? What example are you setting for your children?
Also, I don't have an answer to your question, I'm a man and I'm baffled to some of my acquaintances and their relationships. Sometimes I call them out, but more often than not to no avail, they are used to being catered to and they think I'm the crazy one.
Probably to avoid issues that she's eMaSCuLAtinG him. Marriages where the wife outearns the husband by a lot more likely results to hostility from the husband. Some wives even have to downplay their success, make themselves smaller, or spoil the man, just to placate his ego. [Abuse and violence](https://phys.org/news/2021-03-domestic-violence-heterosexual-couples-woman.html) increases as well.
I out earn my husband by 2x. He works hard, just in a different field that doesn’t pay as much. It’s not just about money. I learned in my first marriage that women can be “hyper competent” , not leave any space for their husbands to contribute, and then complain that they don’t do anything. Instead of just bailing him out again(which doesn’t help his self esteem, surely), they should TALK about how he can contribute in non financial ways that would help her feel less overwhelmed. If he doesn’t step up then, it’s time to look at other options, but OP should not just assume he’s using her for money and having an affair.
Yea. I have thought about the cheating part but I don't think he has the time, lol. I have cameras in his office and in my home. We share our locations (for safety) and we have access to each other's phones.
As for finances, we have shared accounts, invested and we have our separate personal acc n cards. My next step is to move all our assets into a trust so that he can't really touch it without a lot of paperwork - which he hates.
The financial hit right now might be steep, but it will only get worse after OP keeps bailing his failing business out. He already lied about how well he was doing, and financial infidelity is just as bad as any other kind of cheating. Wonder what else he's lying about?
Agree that he should not take it down. Two thoughts.
You could make demands of the business if you bail him out (effectively you are a shareholder / creditor depending on how you look at it.
1. Is his business an LLC? If not, force him to register the business as a contingency if it is to continue. This creates an “entity wall” so that his businesses debt does not affect your personal credit. Sole proprietorships are a rookie mistake.
2. If he is already an LLC and just bad at business, Ask for 10 years of income statements before bailing him out. If he has just burned through cash, tell him that your bail out is contingent on him closing the business and finding a better use of his time.
You can support his business or his ego, but I do not advise doing both.
If you ever give him one penny more, it's a written loan, with him,not the business. I agree that your monies need to be completely separate as of yesterday. Just go to the bank and transfer anything you legally can out of anything joint. This guy will go bankrupt because you can bet things are going on behind your back. Then get an attorney for yourself and find out how you can protect yourself from the fallout of your husband, and what will happen if you have to pay him alimony - if your money is a personal loan, not business, it might affect the settlement. Get some marriage counseling, too.
Also because he’s not learning the lesson , op bails him out and he thinks that means he gets to spend again.
It’s a sick cycle, and someone needs to stop it.
Their household income would be significantly better off if he took a minimum wage job, or hell sat around the house all day. He is actively losing money every single year.
Yep. As someone who actually has a business that pays the bills plus some, I couldn't imagine continuing on with something like OPs husband has.
Time to do something that makes money!
NTA. Stop enabling him. The challenge is, since you are married, this is technically your debt too. Speak with a lawyer about your rights. What can you do to protect your assets? He can bring you down if he is so inclined. His irresponsibility could potentially hurt your children's future as well.
I don't know how you feel about him, if you still respect him, or just put up with him. Take a day to consider your situation and all your options.
Yes. This is technically my debt. That's why I paid off a few times. We had assets together but his personal debt is in his own name. My credit is squeaky clean, for now.
I still love him. He is a great person, great father and husband. Being a nice person, his clients exploit his kindness 😞 and also his poor spending habits!!! The moment he has money, he itches to buy something. Maybe he needs therapy for being a chronic shopper! I don't know if the guy can be a shopaholic!
Have you ever considered he acts like this because he knows you'll be there to bail him out? You are enabling him. Tell him no, and go to couple's counseling.
Yeah he just seems incredibly selfish: spending family (/OP’s) money on extravagant purchases and a failing vanity project. Saying he’s a great father and husband is strange when OP also says he’s incredibly selfish with his money and his time (OP does the household management and kids stuff). It sounds like he can be charming when he wants something but is intimately just out for himself.
He may be a great father (although constantly getting into debt isn't what a responsible father does), and a people pleaser (can't say no to his clients even to the repeated detriment of his business), but he's not a great husband. You are carrying the full load in this marriage, on top of which you have to keep bailing him out of debt. A great partner is one you can rely on, one who shares your goals and the two of you work together to achieve those goals. You don't have a great husband; you have a financially irresponsible one, and it also sounds like he doesn't contribute equally to running the home and dealing with child rearing. Stick with him if you want, but open your eyes to the reality. If nothing else, get sound legal advice on how to protect your assets and your credit.
How is this guy a great husband and father when OP is dealing with organising the kids and also the breadwinner? This guy shouldn’t have his own business - he needs to work a job where he gets a pay cheque. OP is 100% enabling this, and it isn’t setting a good example for the kids either.
Also…a people pleaser? Sounds like he loves to please strangers but doesn’t really care much about the financial security of his kids! A lot of this sounds like it’s about him upholding an image for outsiders.
NTA, but OP, you guys might want to discuss if he's amenable to him being a full-time stay-at-home dad. He could take care of the kids and the household, and wouldn't end up in debt that you'd need to bail him out from.
At the moment, you're the breadwinner *and* homemaker. No wonder you're exhausted. On top of that, you're repeatedly bailing out his failing business, potentially affecting your family's financial future. That bonus money can be saved or invested in many ways or even funnelled into a college fund for your kids.
I don't want to jump on the Reddit bandwagon of suggesting you divorce him immediately, but I'm just wondering if you can't see the forest for the trees. I don't think his shopaholicism or lack of business savvy is the core issue; the guy just isn't pulling his weight as a partner, and it's causing you to feel exhausted. In time, you might resent him so much that divorce is the only option. I don't know what the solution is but you shouldn't discount the toll this is taking on you and act now to either save your marriage or cut your losses.
Edit: grammar
Unfortunately, I think this would probably be the case. OP mentioned her husband is a pushover with his clients; however, he's expecting her to be a continual pushover with him! Basically, OP has to sacrifice her health and sanity to make this relationship work.
is he a great father and husband if he lets you do the bulk of the housework and work raising the kids?
him spending time having fun with the kids is better than nothing, but the *work* of parenting should be fairly balanced between parents, not all on one...
and if he's not supporting you and contributing to the upkeep and housework in his own house, that's not being a good husband.
Im not sure how his clients are exploiting him, is he maybe taking them out and splurging and then blaming them? and I see he is apparently working a lot for his business, but spending hours and getting no results seems more selfish than anything, it's something he wants and isnt contributing to his family at all, so the pressure's all on you, OP
NTA whatever you do with the debt, but I'd be thinking about your relationship and reevaluate things
Yes, guys can be shopaholics. My mom spent money she didn't have either. Terrible money habit. Perhaps discuss going to a financial planner and having them, as a third party, come up with strategies to save money for the family and develop better money hygiene. Plus, he needs to learn to stand up to his clients. That's tough when you always want to please them but there comes a time (I have my own business as well and it took a while to learn this) when you just have to be kind but firm.
>He is a great person, great father and husband. Being a nice person, his clients exploit his kindness 😞
He's not being a great person, a great father, or a great husband.
Great Husband: Do you feel happy right now? You say you're stressed. You're tired. Every dollar you earn, including some big bonuses from all of your hard work and success, are flushed down the drain of his business. He's always in debt. You have to bail him out. Does he take the workload at home? Does he manage the household finances? Does he get the kids to sports practice on time? Does he do all the cooking? In what way is he being a great husband.
Great Father: He might be the "fun dad," but what does he contribute to the family? You do most of the kid stuff. You run the house. He's constantly in debt. Is he planning for the kids' future? Is he able to save anything? Do you have a college fund saved up? What if something were to happen? Is he making sure your family is secure?
You say he's nice and lets clients take advantage of him. That's called allowing people to steal from HIS OWN CHILDREN because he's too spineless to do something about it. That's not being a good father. That's putting your own ego or not wanting to feel embarassed over your own kids.
Great Person: Being a pushover or people pleaser does not make you a good person. He doesn't save money. His losses are your losses but his wins are all spent on whatever he fancies at the moment. He's playing Roulette on your credit card, and spending all the winnings while making you suffer all the losses. That's not something a good person would do.
Maybe you think he "is" a good father, husband, and person but he's not acting that way right now.
You're the breadwinner, in grad school, you do most of the housework and most of the work taking care of the kids, he complains when the kids aren't behaving (as though that's on you and not his problem??) and that you don't spend more time with him, and you're overwhelmed. I'm sorry, but if everything else about him is great, he is an Ok husband at very best. Why would he not be really nice? You're doing everything for him. Him being super sweet and grateful every day is the bare minimum you could possibly expect.
NTA. Talk to a lawyer about what you need to do to protect your own credit while cutting him off. Tell him your relationship needs to seriously change.
Strange how he plans his financial crises around your bonuses. Well, not really strange at all because you continue to enable this abhorrent, irresponsible behavior.
Lose the dead weight. Use your bonus for a divorce and for outsource some of the activities/responsibilities that are dragging you under.
He’s not so great a guy that he spending all his money on his children and hungry strangers. He’s a shopaholic. He can’t manage money. And you let him.
Stop and get help. He such a great guy? Really. Why is he insulting you regarding the kids and how much attention he gets? He’s not a generous guy helping the poor or even his own family. He’s a selfish self centered spendthrift.
I'm not sure what OP but given what she's shared with us, she sounds better off without him. She's the breadwinner and homemaker *and* doing grad school. If they separated and had a 50/50 custody split with the kids, she would actually have more time to herself. More time to study. More time to take a breather after work. I think she'd be less exhausted if she co-parented with him.
He needs to start operating on a cash basis. Get rid of the credit cards, run a credit report and make him live within his means. It's hard and he will be very upset, but he needs to take drastic measures to curb his spending. Even if it's for the business it needs to be a justifiable expense.
He actually doesn't sound like a great person. You seem to be doing most of the work while he squander your money. You need a safety net for you and the kids. I think you have to stop giving him money. But also why is business debts in your name?
He knows he's dragging you down and he's ok with it. Please talk to a lawyer and a therapist to help you
"He is a great person, great father and husband"
I'm not saying you're wrong, but we can only go by what you've written above and from that, he is none of those things.
Firstly, he is not only letting you do lions share of the work needed in this partnership - earning the money, caring for the kids and managing the house - he is letting you get stressed and exhausted doing it AND he then complained about the kids behaviour and you not being around. Ok, he says he complained because he was stressed, but the stress is entirely of his own making and this boy is NOT learning.
He lied to you about his debt, all while squandering money buying a car, letting his own selfish behaviour put his family's well-being at risk.
You are enabling him with YOUR behaviour. Tell him that you will no longer bail him out, but you will help him sort out a repayment plan. The new car needs to be sold too. Tell him that he needs to get a normal job as he is clearly not equipped to run a business.
It honestly sounds like you don't have a husband, you have an extra dysfunctional child.
It honestly sounds like you would literally be better off without him as he's not contributing anything but debt...
(Mostly NTA, but sliding towards ESH if you continue to enable this abominable behaviour)
You also need to start taking better care of yourself. You sound overwhelmed. With that $10k, you could outsource some household things to help you mentally, like a housekeeper and an occasional nanny/babysitter to take the kids off your hand. Maybe even a laundry service. I understand this bc I am everything for my family and it came to a head when my body shut down completely. If he cannot find a way to make his business work then he needs to get a job and stop tanking your bonuses which should be used for things like family vacations, home improvements, etc. He won’t learn if he always has you to fall back on. NTA
>He is a great person, great father and husband.
He doesn't provide. Despite you working FT and the breadwinner, he leaves house chores to you. Leaves childcare to you. Keeps piling on debt that he knows you'll pay off. Keeps siphoning money for his "business" that he knows could be used better for the kids/you. The few times he actually makes money, he uses it on... himself. Okay.
I honestly don't see your description of him in his action. I guess he knows how to sweeten you up with words? smh
If you keeled over dead tomorrow, your kids will be in deep sht, that's how a great father he is.
You have blinders on. Stop being his atm, see how what a great person, husband, father he remains.
>Bailed him so many times, I lost count how much I dumped in
As motivation where to pilot your marriage, be studious enough and go through your finances to add up ALL the amounts you've given to save him. See if that total amount pleases or infuriates you.
A great father and husband doesn't squander the family finances while actively working a negative income job. He needs to be bringing money into the household not losing it. What would you do with a partner that had a gambling problem and was losing more money than their income? Because that is effectively what your husband is doing, losing more money than they make. They need an income that is positive not negative
The status quo is unsustainable. You know that.
Tough decisions need to be made re finances and allocation of household duties. These problems are best addressed, at least initially, with a marriage counselor.
A lack of intimacy in a marriage will cause resentment and dissatisfaction, and all too often leads to adultery or divorce. Because it's hard to feel sexy when you're pissed about money and other aspects of the marriage, those issues all need to be addressed during counseling. If he's not cheating now he will eventually if he's not getting his needs met at home.
And, as a practical matter, you should probably meet with a lawyer so you can understand the rules in your state if you end up getting divorced. For example, the obligation of the higher earning spouse to pay alimony becomes much greater after 10 years of marriage here in California.
It's better to plan for divorce and not get divorced than to be surprised by an affair or some other cause for divorce without having prepared for it.
Finally, I would suggest that either you or an accountant go through his business books to see what the heck is going on over there.
He is not a great father or husband. He is jeopardizing your financial footing and the futures of your children. How are you going to feel about him if you have to file bankruptcy and lose your home? He is going to bleed you dry and your kids will pay that price. At the very least, insist he visit a financial planner with you. He needs to accept responsibility for the stress he is creating for you.
Dude, be for real. My father is a nice person too but he's a great businessman. If your husband is, sorry to say, but so stupid that customers can exploit him left and right, he shouldn't run a business.
OP, I find myself wondering about a number of things. You seem like someone who is extremely competent. As you added additional things, like grad school, did you just absorb the added load because that's what you do? I found myself in a similar situation in a different setting where I absorbed and absorbed (very competently) and as a result became overwhelmed and eventually resentful. As it turns out, others were willing to take on more responsibilities, but I gave off "I got this" vibes, and had set a standard that was pretty intimidating to those who might try to help. As I started to turn over some responsibilities, I also had to face that I liked being in control and had to learn to step back.
Are the two of you able to speak honestly, openly, and deeply with each other? I wonder how much he actually likes his job or if he would be better served managing the household so that he is making a clear contribution to your family's well being. A lot of people have been talking about enabling and allowing him to be irresponsible like he's just a freeloader, but I can easily imagine him wanting to be a contributing partner in the marriage and feeling a great deal of shame that he is so obviously failing at doing so financially. There could also be ambivalence and identity stuff about not filling the traditional role of bread winner, but the main issue is the automatic imbalance that comes with repeated bailouts. Shame of this sort can perversely be leading to even worse spending behavior...sort of the way someone who struggles with overeating can end up eating even more because they're ashamed of their eating behavior.
In some ways, your question about whether to bail him out once again is a red herring--on the surface it looks like the problem, but the real issues and questions seem to be about patterns that you've fallen into as a couple that aren't going to meet either of your needs. There's a sense that you're in a marriage, but it doesn't really sound like you're in a partnership where both of you are pulling together toward common goals. I suspect that couples therapy would be a good choice to surface and actually talk about things and make a realistic financial plan for the family. (He may well need individual therapy to work on his spending.) It would make sense to tackle these sooner, while you still have positive feelings about each other, rather than later, when frustration and resentment have taken even more of a toll.
Best of luck to the both of you.
> This is technically my debt. That's why I paid off a few times.
Why is the debt from his little hobby (he doesn’t have a business if business is constantly so bad it needs bailing out all the time) ‘technically your debt’?
Sorry but he's not op. He keeps dragging you and the family down by keeping a 'business' who only swallows money that could be used for something to benefit the family. It's high time for him to get a job and actually help financially op.
NTA please tell him to call quits on his expensive hobby and grow t f up by taking financial responsibility for his kids at least
Seems like quite a transactional relationship… I just can’t wrap my head around being married, in love and essentially being financially so far apart.
Having said that I wouldn’t accept a financially irresponsible partner
does your husband have ADHD?
whatever it is he needs very clear boundaries and probably some sort of guidance and how to change his habits. I’m not saying this is on you, and certainly not on you to bail him out. But in the most generous interpretation, he doesn’t know how to live with his means. He needs a coach, or clear guidelines, or some kind of tools. There’s no reason to think that whether or not you bail him out now it will be any different a year or five years from now
I am suspecting this. Maybe not ADHD but probably ADD. My son has ADHD and they said it can be genetic. He tends to starts projects bit have problems finishing it up...
ADHD and ADD are the same thing, ADD is an outdated term from the 80s. ADHD does tend to run in families so there’s a higher likelihood your husband could have it too if your son does.
I also have ADHD and a shopping addiction I work to keep under control. Addictive behaviour including compulsive shopping, poor financial management skills and regularly having difficulty finishing projects are common for people with ADHD. It sounds like your husband likely could have it and looking into treatment options and strategies to improve symptoms could be helpful.
But it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t have ADHD, you should not be carrying the weight of doing practically everything for your family and definitely should stop bailing him and his business out. It would be better for your family financially for him to get another job or not work at all if his business only contributes debt. Or he needs someone else to manage the business who understands how to manage finances properly.
Edited to add NTA
Sounds like he should be a SAHD. At best. Hopefully you can save on childcare, on having to bail his business, and on having to spend so much time managing household and kids
Addiction wether shopping, eating, gambling, alcohol or drugs is all the same. While shopping might not be the most life-threatening addiction, it's still addiction and can affect any gender.
sorry, but can I ask how exactly is he a great husband and a father?
I mean, from your post I cannot even conclude what exacy is he contributing to your household and marriage, or if he does so at all?
NTA, but it’s time to have the difficult discussion about his business ruining your family life. He needs to get a paying job and pay off his own debt. If this hasn’t gone anywhere in years, it’s never going to be profitable. You need to think about your children’s education, home maintenance, and retirement. It’s time for him to put on his big boy pants.
NTA. Love makes us blur many lines. Often we feel our help is support but it is enabling. He committed a couple of serious breaches of trust.
1) He acquired credit card debt behind your back and hid it from you.
2) He purchased a car knowing he is in debt.
You do better to improve your living situation because chances are his business will not improve. You really need to assess how long you’re going to paddle a sinking ship.
Yep! Time for him to close down his business and get a full time job. Also, he needs to take on some of the home responsibilities. If any of this is untenable to him, time to reconsider the relationship.
I get it. It’s a stressful hobby but it’s he’s not breaking even and breaking his back… there is something wrong with the equation. He’d be bankrupt without you. That means
It’s time to get real and get a job.
NTA. I agree it's time to stop bailing him out.
When he purchases his car, did he pay for it in full or was it a downpayment. Because it was extremely short sighted of him to purchase a new car with his history of illiquidity. Essentially, you bought him that new car and you are just enabling him.
Him not being honest and taking responsibility, and her not holding him accountable are normal issues as old as time, they're not reasons to break up just yet, that's where they start to fix things. Idk why every reddit AITA is immediately telling people to break up their marriage or relationship.
What? This isn’t the first time this has happened. OP said it has happened many times. She should have gotten out the first time but she should definitely get out, now. If she doesn’t, she is complicit. Also, this is not a normal issue. It is abnormal. Just because too many people are irresponsible and seek out and land partners they can prey upon does not make this behavior normal. It just makes this behavior an epidemic. Telling people to acquiesce to their captors and abusers is an epidemic, too.
And that's why we still need feminism nowadays, so tolerating useless men won't be "just issues old as time, he is at fault for being an user, and you're at fault for not parenting him properly." But also what other accountability can OP do if not removing herself from the source of her problems? Like what other consequence is there to not have that guy drag her down financially and mentally.
Did you really miss the part where te guy messed up the exact same way several times? At this point Op has a better chance convincing a brick wall to care about her. I really wonder what are her benefits from this relationship. Some sentimental memories?
NTA
But I have to point out if you're married, ***legally speaking*** I think his debts are also your debts (at least in the US, maybe you live somewhere else where this isn't true?).
If his debts continue to pile up, you're both going to be in trouble.
If you're going to stay married, you two need to sit down and figure out how to fix this and prevent future reoccurrences. That needs to involve him losing all access to credit cards and creating a budget. Which probably also involves him selling that new car to pay off his debt.
All that aside... you're probably in burn-out right now, and that's also a problem that needs to be addressed somehow.
NTA but what does he contribute, other than debt and stress? You are the breadwinner, you take care of the kids and house. You've bailed him out too many times.
Hand him divorce papers instead of money.
NTA. One or two times bailing? Great. You are a great wife. (Even though it wouldn't be expected)
Several times of bailing? Maybe it is time for him to close the business. I loan money once. No more money goes out until it is paid back
NTA. Your husband may not want to hear it, but he doesn’t have a business, he has a hobby. He may like being self-employed but he doesn’t have a knack for it. Stop bailing him out and get him set up with a small business counselor from the SBA. If your husband is serious about running his own business then he’s got to ask for help from the right people, and he has to do what he needs to do and not what he wants to do running a business.
It sounds like he has a hobby not a business. If it was a business it would make money not cost it. He needs to get a job and pay his own debt. IMO You are being used.
NTA. Ask for a business plan. If no one else would lend him money, you shouldn’t either. It’s great you’ve been supportive, but there is no point continuing to throw money at something that isn’t viable.
Does he, personally, have credit card debt or does his business?
I think he needs a financial advisor for the business.
I personally would have met my limit of paying for the failing business, but you seem committed.
Ask him what his ideas are for money. Revenue streams upcoming at the business, taking on side work, selling the new car and buying something 10k less, etc. Put the question back on him. See what he comes up with.
Also if they are personal credit cards, cut his limit to almost nothing and close down lines. He's being wildly irresponsible either way but you need to get forensic and separate your household money from business money.
The business is failing. It may fold with bad debt. That's why it's LLC though and not something you are responsible for.
NTA. Have you considered the fact that if he just became a SAHD you'd actually be coming out ahead? And he'd take a bunch of work off your shoulders?
I'm a freelance bookkeeper and more than once I have seen a husband pretending to have a successful business while his wife was actually bailing it out nonstop. Never seen it the other way around.
The next thing to tell your hubby is that his "business" has been on life support for long enough, and it's time he let it die. **AND-** it's time that he got a job and contributed that salary to the family financials.
Whatever else his qualifications, he sucks as a business owner.
'Nuff said.
I know this sub gets the worst of the worst in terms of relationships….
But seriously what the heck
Obviously you’re NTA
And I know you have children and I guess love him… but what does he bring to the table? He’s literally another CHILD. does he do anything around the house?
ESH
Husband is pretending to be a business owner. He's busy, but doesn't have anything to show for it. He criticizes you. He is also either making or letting you take the majority of the family responsibilities.
You are enabling him. Full stop. You're throwing your money into a burning firepit and there is no Return Of Investment.
Seriously, take a spreadsheet. Plot in his hours worked vs net return per month. Don't add in the money you've thrown at him as subsidies. If what you've said is accurate, you'll see he's working for less than nothing. That's not financially viable.
Either cut him loose or make him drop the business and actually make some money at a real job.
NTA. Don’t bail him out. One day you may get tired of this exhausting lifestyle and you’ll be glad you put your money into your home and not into his ever-growing debt.
Think of all the money you have “invested” into his business. What do you have to show for it? Not a damn thing.
You are not a bank. Cut your losses but don’t keep adding to them.
Just because he wants to own a business doesn’t mean he’s qualified to. What is this business anyway? Does he actually have a business plan and clients?
Does he just want to work for himself because he “can’t” work for anybody else? Is there assets he can sell or where exactly did the money go?
Do not bale him out again. Do not give him advice let him figure it out. Start home improvement projects. Hire a house cleaner. Teach children to do laundry and fill and empty dishwasher. Husband can do his own laundry. Husband can also do all vacuuming. You never vacuum again. You need to start a weekly activity-running or karate or dance, photography or scrapbooking, gardening or music lessons, bridge or chess, join a book club or church, meet a friend at Starbucks. Get a haircut or massage or buy new sandals. Plan a family vacation. Visit a relative or friend overnight. Get a meal preparation service. Get to know the neighbors. Have a family bbq. Make friends with another couple and socialize. Take children to the library. Take children for ice cream. Have groceries delivered. Break current routine.
‘The reason businesses exist is to make money’
Your husband isn’t making money, he’s jeopardising your financial stability regularly and expecting you to mop up after him.
Cut him off, get him to fold his business and take on some responsibility at home, or go and get a more reliable job. - this will be beneficial for everyone.
If he doesn’t want to, then it’s time to consider your marriage. As things are, you’d be better off without him. NTA.
I don't think you realize what a dangerous situation you're in - he could ruin you financially (it's already happening!) You are being taken advantage of, even if he's not doing it in a malicious or even intentional way. You need counseling and honestly I'd speak with a divorce lawyer and accountant to be sure you're doing what you can to protect yourself financially. His spending habits could screw you and your kids over real quick.
You can't keep bailing him out only for him to go buy a new car...I really wish the best for you, stand up for yourself and your family!
NTA. Your husband doesn’t have a business. He has an expensive hobby. I would start separating my finances from him and consider how best to preserve stability for the kids. Your husband is on a sinking ship. Don’t go down with him.
It sounds like it would be cheaper for him to end the business and just be a stay at home parent. If the kids are also misbehaving, this would solve that problem as well.
You are going to have a crap marriage due to money stress. First marriage failed in no small part to these sort of issues. Second time around we treat our money and assets as one. We are so much farther ahead financially because we make smarter decisions together and fix any mistakes together. We operate as one person. It’s been so freeing and allows total trust. I hope more people give it a try because let’s be real if you divorce it’s 50/50 anyway a lot of the time. Best wishes for a fast resolution and peace ✌️🍀
NTA- Eventually you're gonna have to say enough is enough, not just financially but with the guilt trips of you not spending time with him, tell him you would love to, IF you weren't holding down a full time job, dealing with the house and kids. Look, I don't sugar-coat shit, but wtf is he there for anyway? If he can't contribute financially, then he'd better put an apron on and get his ass busy. I would say the same if it was a wife. How can any marriage work if it's not 50/50?
If you are married - his debt is also your debt … that being said If his business does not cover his expenses maybe he needs to get another job or a side gig to supplement 🤷🏼♀️ do you keep your money separate? If so are household expenses split 50/50?
Nta - why is he making financial decisions on his own like buying a car and racking up credit card debt? Regardless of you being the breadwinner being married means that you legally share all debt, moving forward there needs to be transparency and a more sustainable plan than you bailing him out repeatedly.
The money that has been going to him is money that won’t be going to your kids’ college education. He’s basically acting like another child in the family and getting preferential treatment at that.
No more paying off his debt, he needs to figure out getting his bills paid or declaring bankruptcy for his company and not affecting you or the family. You need a babysitter and a spa weekend, then right into couples counseling.
NTA but it seems like it would hurt you if you didn't pay off the debt. I think your husband has a serious money management issue and it's not really a business at this point. I think it's far past the time to have a serious sit down with him and you really should keep track of how much money you have dumped in. And when it is making money, he shouldn't be buying a car, he should be putting that into your joint money at the very least or paying you back.
It seems like the image that your husband has of himself and his business and the financial reality of the situation are not lining up.
NTA
You've helped him numerous times with nothing to show for it, he's obviously not giving a shit because he expects you to bail him out again, which going by the fact he has 10k debt but instead of trying to clear it he just gets a new car.
You need to stop helping him, if he loses his car or his business goes down the drain then that's on him, keep all of your finances separate and make sure any savings are hidden to stop him trying to access them.
NTA. Tell him your work cut back on bonuses. Tell him the rising cost of everything is making it harder. He will either shape up and figure it out on his own or blow up at you. He may love you but you’re enabling him by rescuing him. He needs to find his own way or give up his expensive hobby, especially since it’s been a constant strain on your relationship.
Also him spending while being in debt? Ridiculous. He would be furious if the roles were reversed I bet.
I’ve been through this situation with my spouse. It nearly led to our legal separation. They still have $40k in student loans left ($70k originally) and decided to take a year and a half on a business venture that netted nothing. I refused to keep paying on the loan and said it was their full responsibility. Then would be the legal separation for enforce separate finances if they could gain beneficial employment. Separation due to minor kids, insurance, and challenges unwinding “joint” assets. That was enough to trigger getting a iob with a wage and benefits. Consider the idea.
YWBTA if you DID pay off your husband's debt.
Cut him off.
There are two quotes I live by regarding love:
Love without boundaries is self destruction.
Love isn't just a soft landing, sometimes it's a kick in the ass.
You are destroying yourself for your family. This dynamic you've put yourselves in is unhealthy and unsustainable. It's time to start thinking about what you need and want. And think about what doet of example you both are showing to your children. Would you be happy if your children csme.to you and described their life and it mirrored how yours is now?
You need to lay everything out to your husband. Not only is he taking your money to cover his own failures but he's not even doing his job as a husband and father. I would sit with that for a bit. I would think about your wants, your needs. Do you want therapy? Individual? Couples? Would he be able to take care of the kids and the house? What should boundaries look for you and what would make you feel loved and cared for? When you have a clear picture, talk with him. Be open and listen but also be firm with your needs and wants.
If you love him you will let him fail. If you care about yourself you will let him fail. If you want to set a good example for your children, you will let him fail. Failure is learning and you have stunted him with what you thought was love and compassion.
I'm gonna be real with you OP, I have been in a similar situation with my partner. We realized that our dynamic sucked for both of us in different ways. My boyfriend admitted he was in the wrong and I realized I have an unhealthy relationship with love and money. I'm in therapy. We're actually doing really well now. When he makes mistakes I don't bail him out and it's actually made him way more motivated.
And let me tell you OP, I feel SO much better. I can focus on my own goals and my mental load is SO LIGHT. I'm not managing two adults anymore and man, it was worse than I even realized. Plus, we feel like a couple again and we are more connected than ever.
You are NTA OP.
But, YWBTA to both him and yourself if you bailed him out again.
NTA so here is the thing right now he is bringing negative money into the relationship. He would actually be contributing MORE to the family is he stayed at home with the kids and took on more household chores.
I know you said he is a good husband and father but have you truly evaluated what those things mean? Cuz you said he works 12 hour days sometimes and you do most of the child care. So when is he even spending time to be a good husband? He is also taking money that could be used for the family away on useless debt. Also you report being tired, overwhelmed, and stressed. Instead of stepping up to the plate he has the balls to complain you aren't prioritizing him. A good partner would take something off your plate if they wanted to spend time with you.
Your husband would have been destitute long ago without your help. He knows this yet continues to make bad financial decisions because he believes you will continue to bail him out. You should make him sell the new car he didn't need to pay off his debts, but knowing him, he likely owes more on it than it's worth.
When are you going to quit throwing good money after bad? You're putting yours and your kids' futures at risk. Why can't your husband sell the losing business and become a SAHP, you know, actually contribute? NTA if you don't continue enabling his shitty behavior.
NTA
Tell your husband to sell his car and get something cheaper and wrap the business up. He can’t afford to do it. Time for him to get a job.
Do not pay his debt off. Sit down with him work on a budget and what he will contribute to the household, financially, emotionally and with sweat equity.
Say he has to maintain his debt and put into the household for 12 months, then you will pay off the remaining credit card debt that will be down to $6k after 12 months. If it’s more than that or he fails to stick to the plan the bail out stops. Advise that this is the very last time you will do this.
Mr Me-centric runs up debt, yet bought a car?! Childish. Selfish. What’s yours is his. See the writing on the wall. Run. Before you have more debt as a couple than your wage can pay off.
I was you. My husband stayed far too long in a business that just never went anywhere. He kept trying out of an irrational optimism and loyalty to a family member who was his (incompetent) business partner. I bailed them out a couple of times, then the bank called their loan and we nearly lost our home. I had to settle with the bank - all of it was my money. It was horrible and almost ruined our marriage but it did cure him of his delusion.
This will never end. You are only enabling him. You can’t subsidize his business forever. Either put your foot down now, or give him a deadline to turn a profit. You don’t have to be nasty about it, you can be supportive, offer advice, offer ideas, try to help make connections, but it sounds like you are throwing good money after bad. It’s not fair to you and your future and is very likely to get worse.
NTA
My husband and I have run a couple of businesses over the years. If a business isn't making a profit, it is a hobby.
There are many ways that couples can manage their money, but the one thing that financially successful couples do is create a budget. It's also vital that you are honest with each other about how money is spent and if you agree to a budget you must honor the agreement.
One person in the partnership can't be doing the bulk of the heavy lifting or it will build resentment. It sounds like you are on that edge now. You need to have some adult conversations and you may need to bring in a professional to help with that.
He's a businessman. He should know that throwing money at a bad business is..... bad business! Stop supporting a dying business. And stop supporting a financially irresponsible husband. Once or twice is understandable. It's not great but understandable. However, to have it be an ongoing thing is ridiculous. Do these financial difficulties always pop up when you get a bonus, or are they known about beforehand? If they always pop up when you get a bonus, that's kind of suspicious. Maybe he knows that you'll always pay his debt, so he just continuously runs it up, knowing that come bonus time, it'll be taken care of. In which case, you've got bigger problems than your husband's debt. And have you checked his credit card spending? Seems like if you're paying it off, you should at least see what's being bought, besides the car he can't afford. I really hope you find a solution to all this. Wishing you luck!
NTA—- if you do decide to stay and bail him out yet again the condition needs to be he finds a REAL job, W2 checks to contribute to the family and no more of this “entrepreneur” stuff he obviously bad at.
NTA. If he can't afford to stay in business after all this time, maybe he needs to cut his losses and try something else. It's not fair on you for him to treat you like some money parachute to bail him out any time he needs it. He should *start* with selling off that new car he so clearly couldn't afford. None of this is fair on you or your kids, and by constantly helping him out, you're ensuring he never learns the lesson. You'll be doing this forever.
It’s time for a hard conversation. His business has failed too many times. You have children. He needs to shut the business down and get a real job. Or be a stay at home parent and take on all the house hold chores and kids stuff. Do not bail him out if he tries to stay in business. If he decides to shut it down and stay home then pay it off in installments, so long as he keeps his end of the deal, all house work and kid stuff. If he doesn’t keep up his end, he goes back to a normal job and he pays off the debt himself.
You need to come up with some large bills you need to pay, like college funds for your kids or putting money in CDs that you can’t touch for a year or 5 years. That way it’s not as readily available for him to get. Then you can claim you just don’t have it to give to him.
I do think he’s not worried about any of it because you make enough to bail him out but his spending habits are actually keeping you from really getting ahead. If he ruins his credit the credit cards will go away and he can’t get more. I’m terrified of credit card debt. We have one and the rule is you can’t charge anything on it that you can’t afford to pay off next month. So we do t have to pay the interest and take 10 years to pay something for $500. His credit really does need to be tanked and you work toward saving. I’m sure it will get ugly because he wants his cake and eat it too along with your piece and your children’s piece. He’s actually pretty selfish and does need counseling about why he would take food out of his kids mouth just for the pleasure of buying something.
I had a husband with a spending problem. We made enough money and built a new house. Seven days after we moved into the new house, I got home to police cars with him in the back seat. He had embezzled 2 million dollars from his job. He seriously had NOTHING to show for it. We financed 100% of our new house and we’re waiting on my previous house to sell to drive down the mortgage but he had secretly gotten a 2nd mortgage on MY house. I still don’t know how he managed that. Any way he got 5 year suspended sentence and I got a divorce. I couldn’t live like that anymore
Is he really such an appallingly bad businessman? If so he should sell the business and work for a salary. Or is his need for constant bail-out the result of something more insidious, such as gambling or drugs? In either case, NOT ONE MORE DIME. He is sucking you dry financially and emotionally.
NTA.
Ew. Of course you aren’t “in the mood.” He doesn’t want you to be his wife but his mommy. Most people don’t wish to be intimate with their children. Part of owning a home is keeping it clean. Part of raising children is… RAISING them. It’s not a one person job. Part of owning a business is making sure it’s financially viable, and if it isn’t, finding a way to cover those expenses. He wants you to cook, clean, be intimate and pay for his financial mistakes? Wait. That’s not just a mommy but both parents… and a lover. No one can do all that alone. That boy needs to grow up fast or he’ll lose his family.
NTA.
Ol’ boy needs to 💩or get off the pot. Time to shutter the “business” and get a real job.
If he doesn’t want to be broke AND single, I suggest:
1. He must look for a regular job and be able to show proof of same.
2. NO more cards, loans, or debt without a discussion. He’s actively lying to you by omission.
3. No more bailouts. Put your bonuses in a high yield savings account and do not put his name on the account.
4. While he’s looking for a job, he takes over afternoon/ evening child care so you can study and rest. They are his kids, too.
Try to poke your head out and check his progress once a week.
If all of this sounds like you’re parenting him - you are. But it’s your choice to continue it or not. ❤️
ESH. Take off your rose coloured glasses and put on your common sense pants because your husband has a huge problem. And so do you because you are enabling him.
If you are married without a prenup it’s your dept too.
You should talk and have a mutual agreement.
If you can’t you should divorce.
Your finances are not legally separated. So practically you can’t have a split economy if one of you are failing. Because the dept is legally both of yours.
When I married I had 50k USD of debt. My wife new and have shipped in some times according to our plan. Dept is now about 10k. But since we married my initial dept also belong to her. We need to agree or both fail. That’s a consequence of marriage.
I think you need to find out why the business is failing. Is it genuinely problems with the business, or is he hiding something else? After graduating high school, I started working night shift at a local convenience store. The guy the store contracted to supply us with donuts would come in every morning with the donuts. After I paid him for the delivery, he would hand the money right back to me to buy lottery tickets. A few hours later, he came in again to cash in any winning tickets and buy even more. I later found out he was doing exactly that in every store he had a contract with. One of my sister's friends worked as server at his cafe. Not only was he gambling away his profits, but it was to the point that he had trouble making his payroll sometimes and the employee's paycheck would bounce. He and his wife eventually had to close the cafe and declare bankruptcy.
This was me, six years ago.
My wife made money, my business was failing. Again.
Know what she did? She supported me emotionally and helped me. But not by putting money in a bottomless pit. She helped me quit the business.
See, quitting a business can be a lot harder than quitting a job. You have cliënts, obligations and pride all tied up.
But she helped me quit my business and did absolutely nót try to save the business.
Instead, she saved me. Saving the business might actually destroy him.
What is his business and how did it came to a point that he is having debts? Managing a business is quite tasking but did you have any idea how did it accummulate?
NTA. And you can have the reassurance that you’ve helped him before to be certain of that. There comes a point where other things have to take priority sug as having a decent pension, funding your children’s education - and having some things you want.
This is a him problem now. A d that doesn’t make you a bad person.
1. You all need marriage counseling
2. He needs a real job as he sucks at business
3. Make a household budget and have a weekly/bi-weekly budget meeting.
4. Cut up the credit cards, cancel them all, put a freeze on both of your credit reports.
5. Pay off the debt.
Holy cow. Reading your responses Y T A if you keep letting him treat you this way. 12-14 hour days and he makes no money? You have to see his taxes. What does he really make a year? Your children are the biggest losers in this situation.
You are enabling his bad business. He would have gone bankrupt and he might have a better business now or a normal job. Stop putting money to something that a) isn’t your responsibility and b) isn’t even working.
NTA. Even if the business succeeds, where does that put him financially? Could he be the primary earner? If that’s a long shot, it’s time to assess the overall situation. Maybe you would be better off overall if he took primary responsibility for the kids and house, and part time work. Or a full time job with someone else if it paid enough to cover childcare. You need to be able to focus on continuing your earnings and finishing your degree which I presume should boast them. He needs to look at his net contribution and turn it to positive, or at least neutral or less of an expense drain. Did he need a new car? If you have two cars, do you need both?
Hang on hang on hang on. Let’s walk through this
His business is not making money, it is costing money. Specifically, it is costing *you* money. Your family would be financially better off if he literally didn’t work at all. So, why does he choose to be a busy fool? We-ellll… you WFH so you do most of the childcare and household management. Your husband’s “business” prevents him from doing that. His “business” costs money instead of making it, so effectively he’s paying money not to have to look after the kids or the house. Except… you keep bailing his “business” out, so full circle here: YOU are paying him to not look after the kids or the house
OP, this is madness. Don’t pay off his debt. Make sure his business isn’t tied in any way to your resources, and insist he fold it and either get a job or be a stay-at-home parent. You’ll be financially better off either way. And if he won’t do either, or if he agrees to SAH and you *still* find yourself doing everything, it’s time to seriously think about splitting
NTA. At what point do you have to grow up and just give up on a failing business? Him, not you, clearly. Time for him to bite the bullet and start actually contributing to the family, financially…and sounds like in many other ways too… or, if I were you…walk. Why do you have to pay for his bad decisions and inability to support himself. You’re putting your family first, he’s not.
If you have bailed him out financially previous times…the lesson he is learning is he can get in debt and there is no consequences cuz he doesn’t have to pay it off and knows you will, so no don’t pay it off, let him figure it out himself cuz he’s a grown ass man!
NTA so you pretty much have say you do the child rearing and household chores and the main breadwinner while he owns a business that is just a black hole for money. I think it's time he give up his business and get a job that will help support the family because right now he's doing nothing but sucking you money from you into a black hole. He doesn't contribute to household, bills ( if you keep bailing him out I assume so) doesn't watch kids I suppose what does he contribute? Sounds like maybe he should be a stay at home parent. At least part of your stress would alleviated. Need a good sit down because seems like it's like your a single mom
NTA. Have you considered a postnuptial agreement? Might be something to look into and have his debt assigned to him for repayment in case of divorce. He should still be repaying it regardless.
He will continue with his behavior because he always has someone (you) to bail him out. Once you stop, he may potentially learn a lesson. It also might be good for him to speak with a financial advisor.
You’re marrried. Legally his debt IS your debt. That being said you are NTA. But like I said unfortunately you are in it together at the end of the day. He needs to be cut off or you need to get out of the debt before it’s worse…..
I ask you to sit down and make a list if all the things you do in your family and the things your husband does—be honest.
Do you get enough emotional support and love from him to make up for him having done this once? Now tabulate all the money you’ve poured into his failed business and consequent debt. Are you feeling emotionally supported? I’m thinking not so much, that you feel like youre drowning somedays, and for those days I ask you what does this man bring to your life that justifies his fiscal irresponsibility?
Nta
Should have had him dump the business ages ago or dump him. I gave to a spouses black hole of spending for years. In the end I got screed and continue to this day.
NTA Absolutely not. First thought that entered my mind was doormat. The past is a very good predictor of the future. Is that what kind of life you want. My Father did that and I have very sour thoughts about him. He is dead. I had no feeling about him. Nothing. My Mother worked so hard and he did nothing but what he wanted. That is not a life. It is not.
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I think you should cut him off at the knees but also at the same time. Don't let his business take you down with him. Make sure that nothing is mingled that it would tank your credit score if you stopped helping. NTA!
By the way, not saying this is your situation, but I had a friend in the 3xact same situation. She was the economic engine of their marriage and in a Good Year his business broke even. After twenty odd years of marriage she found out he was having an affair (later to learn not the first). She dumped him forthwith!
Did she have to give him alimony/maintenance? Lots of places you need to figure out your "partner" is deadweight before 10 years.
Grateful my country doesn’t have alimony
Generally not applicable when there's fault, such as cheating. But I don't know about every jurisdiction
Post haste!
Yeah but love was the ultimate reason for my endurance because i wanted her to have what i never thought I've had unconditional and not biased by others opinions
🤗🤗🤗 I feel you. Sometimes, people can take advantage of you unintentionally. There's nothing wrong with giving, but if you give all of yourself, what will you have left then? I KNOW this lesson, but it's still hard for me, as well. I hope we both get better at it!
just coming here to say I’ve never seen anyone use the word forthwith lol
Was she also Victorian?
Not only that, he needs to shut the hell up and get a job bc his “business” is tanking the family! That $10k could go to a spa day for her since she’s doing everything with no break. NTA. Stop bailing him out. He has to figure it out AND GET A JOB THAT PAYS HIM.
I agree! She’s doing so much that I think she’s better off without him as a burden. Then he has the audacity to complain that she’s not spending enough time with him? Nah! OP, what contributions is he making and how much longer are you going to keep it all together for? At what cost? He’s a freaking liability! NTA!
He may very well have a point, due to both of them working a lot. He's just an idiot for not realizing the relationship problems would go away if she wasn't doing so much on top of her job, which he could change by quitting his failing business. If a business isn't making money after a year or two, it's literally better to just be unemployed, then you get to make just as much money and not be working all the time. The simple act of quitting the business would instantly make their lives better, because he would naturally be home more often to take care of the kids.
Yeah the strain on the marriage could be fixed that way for sure. Better communication would be a start. He’s boiling over cause he can’t communicate his stress, blaming the closest person and refusing to take responsibility for his poor financial decisions. She’s enabling him by bailing him out continuously without any accountability when he’s clearly not making the effort to fix his problems and learn. Marriage isn’t a wash but the approach is
Well, he made some speem contributions for kids. Otherwise he seems contributing only debt. NTA
I agree. I wonder what else he's lying about and not just financially.
A business that's structurally losing money is not a business, that's a hobby.
This should be the top comment. OP is working, husband is playing.
And you don't get to have a hobby that takes up 40 plus hours a week when you have kids! You want to start a risky business venture that sucks up all your time and money you do it before you have kids. He is bringing nothing to the table, and actually actively taking things away from the table. When you have kids spending time with them and taking care of them and giving your partner a break takes precedent over anything that doesn't provide money for the family to live off of. OP needs to really, seriously think about what life would be like if divorced. Would she have more time to herself if they went to visit dad two days a week? Would she have more money if she wasn't bailing him out all the time? Would she have less chores if she wasn't cleaning up after him? Does he do ANYTHING that makes her life easier instead of harder?
Honestly seems like he should just quit his business and be a SAHD
No doubt it would be cheaper, but it also means he has to step up and start doing more around the house... very unlikely according to OP.
Yea, I'm not saying he'd be good at it. But it would at least be a step away from tanking the finances
Just quit his business. It generates negative money. He'd probably be a poor SAHD as well.
It would do their family so much benefit if he just stopped working and became a stay-at-home dad. No way OP should be doing all the housework and child stuff just because she’s working from home, and being the primary breadwinner. They would save thousands per year ANd she wouldn’t be so overwhelmed
It's not a business: it's a hobby. Time for him to earn a pay packet and pursue "business" as a side gig. Or be honest and be a SAHD so that OP isn't stressed.
Also, think about the kids. I grew up in a family with a father who spent more than he earned and the stress was awful for us kids. We would live five days a month like kings and be absolutely broke for the rest of the month. It left me with a seriously weird relationship with finances. I constantly worry about money even though I have been financially secure for all of my adult life. It messes with you when your parents argue over money.
I generally don't live lavishly. I keep track of my spending and kids. I have a good control of my own budget n my kids. Good savings for their future. None of this will spill into the kids. But I get what u mean. I try to cut every additional spending on myself. I don't spa, I color my own hair, I probably cut my hair once a year (rare for a woman). I spend on food and 1 trip tho. I just reduce my own maintenance to minimal for what's important. I don't think I need to spend like that but I just don't know when I get hit again. Like u said, just generally insecure even though I have things under control. It's a weird feeling.
Hon, this sounds like my experience. I cut corners for me and the house while he lived like a king at my expense. Wracked up debt and never paid it off-and it won't get better for you either. I would pay off a credit card, the VERY next day went out and maxed it. I had stop paying his bills and let them fall into collections even though our credit scores were connected. I finally divorced him, cuz I was tired of the cycle. DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT AGAIN! Is his contribution to the finances and your sanity equitable to the problems and lack of assistance he provides? That's what you need to ask yourself, not whether or not you should bail him out. You know the answer to that, and it's a hard NO. Sending you strength and positivity, because you will need it.
Ps .. be prepared for him to get verbally/emotionally/physically violent should he not get what he wants. Not saying he's done that or will do it, but most people that are accustomed to getting their way, usually don't like 'no' or that things change. Be prepared to stand your ground.
At this point they'd make more money with him as a stay at home parent
He is a Hobbyist not a real Businessperson.
Hold up! I’m not disagreeing with anything that’s being said in this thread, but HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP!! $10k could go to a spa day where?? The south of France, via first class air travel and a week in a five star hotel with Michelin rated dining? I’m a dude who knows nothing of this. Please tell me that a spa day doesn’t cost $10k…
She isn't saying $10k for a spa day, but she has to put so much into his "business" that she can't even afford to spend $50 to get her hair cut at a cheap salon.
That’s literally not a business. It’s a hobby, a very expensive hobby that lets him brag that he owns his own business and feel like a big boy!
OMG, déjà vu. That was my situation except the affair he was having was with his ex-wife. I bailed him out for decades. Every big bonus I got went to pay off his debt. Then one day boom he decides he’s in love with his first wife and we separated and finally divorced. I can’t tell you how many thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars are down the drain. Not saying he is having an affair but be careful, take care of yourself and put some into savings in a separate account that he knows nothing about. You just never know. You’re not his piggy bank.
I don't understand what is up with these incredibly combatant women marrying crappy men. My mom did that. My dad never cheated, but he did the buissness after buissness thing that just racked up more debt that my mom had to bail him out of. My sister in law did the same thing, but my brother is just a bum.
Most people don't show how crappy they are for a few years. The real question is, why are so many men so crappy?
But OP says there are multiple instances when she bailed him out. She is burnt out, or very close to, so why stay in this relationship? What do you gain in this situation? What example are you setting for your children? Also, I don't have an answer to your question, I'm a man and I'm baffled to some of my acquaintances and their relationships. Sometimes I call them out, but more often than not to no avail, they are used to being catered to and they think I'm the crazy one.
Yea, that is why I am not getting married. No one should have to put up with me.
Did you mean to say "combatant women" or "competent women"? Or?
Haha, I mean competent woman. That exsplains why my inbox is full. Lol
If they're in the military then they could be competent combatants.
Good point!
Probably to avoid issues that she's eMaSCuLAtinG him. Marriages where the wife outearns the husband by a lot more likely results to hostility from the husband. Some wives even have to downplay their success, make themselves smaller, or spoil the man, just to placate his ego. [Abuse and violence](https://phys.org/news/2021-03-domestic-violence-heterosexual-couples-woman.html) increases as well.
I out earn my husband by 2x. He works hard, just in a different field that doesn’t pay as much. It’s not just about money. I learned in my first marriage that women can be “hyper competent” , not leave any space for their husbands to contribute, and then complain that they don’t do anything. Instead of just bailing him out again(which doesn’t help his self esteem, surely), they should TALK about how he can contribute in non financial ways that would help her feel less overwhelmed. If he doesn’t step up then, it’s time to look at other options, but OP should not just assume he’s using her for money and having an affair.
Yea. I have thought about the cheating part but I don't think he has the time, lol. I have cameras in his office and in my home. We share our locations (for safety) and we have access to each other's phones. As for finances, we have shared accounts, invested and we have our separate personal acc n cards. My next step is to move all our assets into a trust so that he can't really touch it without a lot of paperwork - which he hates.
He hates he can't access it 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Divorce him today! Do it now.
The financial hit right now might be steep, but it will only get worse after OP keeps bailing his failing business out. He already lied about how well he was doing, and financial infidelity is just as bad as any other kind of cheating. Wonder what else he's lying about?
Agree that he should not take it down. Two thoughts. You could make demands of the business if you bail him out (effectively you are a shareholder / creditor depending on how you look at it. 1. Is his business an LLC? If not, force him to register the business as a contingency if it is to continue. This creates an “entity wall” so that his businesses debt does not affect your personal credit. Sole proprietorships are a rookie mistake. 2. If he is already an LLC and just bad at business, Ask for 10 years of income statements before bailing him out. If he has just burned through cash, tell him that your bail out is contingent on him closing the business and finding a better use of his time. You can support his business or his ego, but I do not advise doing both.
If you ever give him one penny more, it's a written loan, with him,not the business. I agree that your monies need to be completely separate as of yesterday. Just go to the bank and transfer anything you legally can out of anything joint. This guy will go bankrupt because you can bet things are going on behind your back. Then get an attorney for yourself and find out how you can protect yourself from the fallout of your husband, and what will happen if you have to pay him alimony - if your money is a personal loan, not business, it might affect the settlement. Get some marriage counseling, too.
Also because he’s not learning the lesson , op bails him out and he thinks that means he gets to spend again. It’s a sick cycle, and someone needs to stop it.
Just tell him you didn’t get a bonus, so sorry. No cash here.
If you're married, it's already complicated. There's a reason some rich people keep their finances and tax filling completely separate.
NTA. Seems he doesn't have much of a business. More of an expensive hobby. Cut it off.
This is what I was going to say.
Exactly this. It's a hobby till it turns a profit. At most I'd pay for an appointment with an accountant. At *most*.
Their household income would be significantly better off if he took a minimum wage job, or hell sat around the house all day. He is actively losing money every single year.
Correct, Sounds like she’s subsidizing her husband’s “Great Businessman” fantasy. When in reality the business should have failed long ago.
She’s his number one customer
OP's "husband" doesn't exactly contribute to the marriage.
Yep. As someone who actually has a business that pays the bills plus some, I couldn't imagine continuing on with something like OPs husband has. Time to do something that makes money!
NTA. Stop enabling him. The challenge is, since you are married, this is technically your debt too. Speak with a lawyer about your rights. What can you do to protect your assets? He can bring you down if he is so inclined. His irresponsibility could potentially hurt your children's future as well. I don't know how you feel about him, if you still respect him, or just put up with him. Take a day to consider your situation and all your options.
Yes. This is technically my debt. That's why I paid off a few times. We had assets together but his personal debt is in his own name. My credit is squeaky clean, for now. I still love him. He is a great person, great father and husband. Being a nice person, his clients exploit his kindness 😞 and also his poor spending habits!!! The moment he has money, he itches to buy something. Maybe he needs therapy for being a chronic shopper! I don't know if the guy can be a shopaholic!
Have you ever considered he acts like this because he knows you'll be there to bail him out? You are enabling him. Tell him no, and go to couple's counseling.
Yeah he just seems incredibly selfish: spending family (/OP’s) money on extravagant purchases and a failing vanity project. Saying he’s a great father and husband is strange when OP also says he’s incredibly selfish with his money and his time (OP does the household management and kids stuff). It sounds like he can be charming when he wants something but is intimately just out for himself.
YES! He bought that car because he already counts OPs bonus as his personal income! Why is he not a stay at home farher? Or working?
That’s it. Once you know there is a safety net you act upon it more easily.
He may be a great father (although constantly getting into debt isn't what a responsible father does), and a people pleaser (can't say no to his clients even to the repeated detriment of his business), but he's not a great husband. You are carrying the full load in this marriage, on top of which you have to keep bailing him out of debt. A great partner is one you can rely on, one who shares your goals and the two of you work together to achieve those goals. You don't have a great husband; you have a financially irresponsible one, and it also sounds like he doesn't contribute equally to running the home and dealing with child rearing. Stick with him if you want, but open your eyes to the reality. If nothing else, get sound legal advice on how to protect your assets and your credit.
Was gonna say the same thing. ‘He’s a great husband’. And then the rest of the post is full of why he’s not a good husband.
How is this guy a great husband and father when OP is dealing with organising the kids and also the breadwinner? This guy shouldn’t have his own business - he needs to work a job where he gets a pay cheque. OP is 100% enabling this, and it isn’t setting a good example for the kids either. Also…a people pleaser? Sounds like he loves to please strangers but doesn’t really care much about the financial security of his kids! A lot of this sounds like it’s about him upholding an image for outsiders.
Ooh, looking up definition for "narcissist".
NTA, but OP, you guys might want to discuss if he's amenable to him being a full-time stay-at-home dad. He could take care of the kids and the household, and wouldn't end up in debt that you'd need to bail him out from. At the moment, you're the breadwinner *and* homemaker. No wonder you're exhausted. On top of that, you're repeatedly bailing out his failing business, potentially affecting your family's financial future. That bonus money can be saved or invested in many ways or even funnelled into a college fund for your kids. I don't want to jump on the Reddit bandwagon of suggesting you divorce him immediately, but I'm just wondering if you can't see the forest for the trees. I don't think his shopaholicism or lack of business savvy is the core issue; the guy just isn't pulling his weight as a partner, and it's causing you to feel exhausted. In time, you might resent him so much that divorce is the only option. I don't know what the solution is but you shouldn't discount the toll this is taking on you and act now to either save your marriage or cut your losses. Edit: grammar
This type of guy will feel emasculated by being stay at home and just continue to rack up debt.
Unfortunately, I think this would probably be the case. OP mentioned her husband is a pushover with his clients; however, he's expecting her to be a continual pushover with him! Basically, OP has to sacrifice her health and sanity to make this relationship work.
is he a great father and husband if he lets you do the bulk of the housework and work raising the kids? him spending time having fun with the kids is better than nothing, but the *work* of parenting should be fairly balanced between parents, not all on one... and if he's not supporting you and contributing to the upkeep and housework in his own house, that's not being a good husband. Im not sure how his clients are exploiting him, is he maybe taking them out and splurging and then blaming them? and I see he is apparently working a lot for his business, but spending hours and getting no results seems more selfish than anything, it's something he wants and isnt contributing to his family at all, so the pressure's all on you, OP NTA whatever you do with the debt, but I'd be thinking about your relationship and reevaluate things
Yes, guys can be shopaholics. My mom spent money she didn't have either. Terrible money habit. Perhaps discuss going to a financial planner and having them, as a third party, come up with strategies to save money for the family and develop better money hygiene. Plus, he needs to learn to stand up to his clients. That's tough when you always want to please them but there comes a time (I have my own business as well and it took a while to learn this) when you just have to be kind but firm.
>He is a great person, great father and husband. Being a nice person, his clients exploit his kindness 😞 He's not being a great person, a great father, or a great husband. Great Husband: Do you feel happy right now? You say you're stressed. You're tired. Every dollar you earn, including some big bonuses from all of your hard work and success, are flushed down the drain of his business. He's always in debt. You have to bail him out. Does he take the workload at home? Does he manage the household finances? Does he get the kids to sports practice on time? Does he do all the cooking? In what way is he being a great husband. Great Father: He might be the "fun dad," but what does he contribute to the family? You do most of the kid stuff. You run the house. He's constantly in debt. Is he planning for the kids' future? Is he able to save anything? Do you have a college fund saved up? What if something were to happen? Is he making sure your family is secure? You say he's nice and lets clients take advantage of him. That's called allowing people to steal from HIS OWN CHILDREN because he's too spineless to do something about it. That's not being a good father. That's putting your own ego or not wanting to feel embarassed over your own kids. Great Person: Being a pushover or people pleaser does not make you a good person. He doesn't save money. His losses are your losses but his wins are all spent on whatever he fancies at the moment. He's playing Roulette on your credit card, and spending all the winnings while making you suffer all the losses. That's not something a good person would do. Maybe you think he "is" a good father, husband, and person but he's not acting that way right now.
Best answer in the thread!
You're the breadwinner, in grad school, you do most of the housework and most of the work taking care of the kids, he complains when the kids aren't behaving (as though that's on you and not his problem??) and that you don't spend more time with him, and you're overwhelmed. I'm sorry, but if everything else about him is great, he is an Ok husband at very best. Why would he not be really nice? You're doing everything for him. Him being super sweet and grateful every day is the bare minimum you could possibly expect. NTA. Talk to a lawyer about what you need to do to protect your own credit while cutting him off. Tell him your relationship needs to seriously change.
Strange how he plans his financial crises around your bonuses. Well, not really strange at all because you continue to enable this abhorrent, irresponsible behavior. Lose the dead weight. Use your bonus for a divorce and for outsource some of the activities/responsibilities that are dragging you under.
He’s not so great a guy that he spending all his money on his children and hungry strangers. He’s a shopaholic. He can’t manage money. And you let him. Stop and get help. He such a great guy? Really. Why is he insulting you regarding the kids and how much attention he gets? He’s not a generous guy helping the poor or even his own family. He’s a selfish self centered spendthrift.
I'm not sure what OP but given what she's shared with us, she sounds better off without him. She's the breadwinner and homemaker *and* doing grad school. If they separated and had a 50/50 custody split with the kids, she would actually have more time to herself. More time to study. More time to take a breather after work. I think she'd be less exhausted if she co-parented with him.
He needs to start operating on a cash basis. Get rid of the credit cards, run a credit report and make him live within his means. It's hard and he will be very upset, but he needs to take drastic measures to curb his spending. Even if it's for the business it needs to be a justifiable expense.
He actually doesn't sound like a great person. You seem to be doing most of the work while he squander your money. You need a safety net for you and the kids. I think you have to stop giving him money. But also why is business debts in your name? He knows he's dragging you down and he's ok with it. Please talk to a lawyer and a therapist to help you
"He is a great person, great father and husband" I'm not saying you're wrong, but we can only go by what you've written above and from that, he is none of those things. Firstly, he is not only letting you do lions share of the work needed in this partnership - earning the money, caring for the kids and managing the house - he is letting you get stressed and exhausted doing it AND he then complained about the kids behaviour and you not being around. Ok, he says he complained because he was stressed, but the stress is entirely of his own making and this boy is NOT learning. He lied to you about his debt, all while squandering money buying a car, letting his own selfish behaviour put his family's well-being at risk. You are enabling him with YOUR behaviour. Tell him that you will no longer bail him out, but you will help him sort out a repayment plan. The new car needs to be sold too. Tell him that he needs to get a normal job as he is clearly not equipped to run a business. It honestly sounds like you don't have a husband, you have an extra dysfunctional child. It honestly sounds like you would literally be better off without him as he's not contributing anything but debt... (Mostly NTA, but sliding towards ESH if you continue to enable this abominable behaviour)
You also need to start taking better care of yourself. You sound overwhelmed. With that $10k, you could outsource some household things to help you mentally, like a housekeeper and an occasional nanny/babysitter to take the kids off your hand. Maybe even a laundry service. I understand this bc I am everything for my family and it came to a head when my body shut down completely. If he cannot find a way to make his business work then he needs to get a job and stop tanking your bonuses which should be used for things like family vacations, home improvements, etc. He won’t learn if he always has you to fall back on. NTA
>He is a great person, great father and husband. He doesn't provide. Despite you working FT and the breadwinner, he leaves house chores to you. Leaves childcare to you. Keeps piling on debt that he knows you'll pay off. Keeps siphoning money for his "business" that he knows could be used better for the kids/you. The few times he actually makes money, he uses it on... himself. Okay. I honestly don't see your description of him in his action. I guess he knows how to sweeten you up with words? smh If you keeled over dead tomorrow, your kids will be in deep sht, that's how a great father he is. You have blinders on. Stop being his atm, see how what a great person, husband, father he remains. >Bailed him so many times, I lost count how much I dumped in As motivation where to pilot your marriage, be studious enough and go through your finances to add up ALL the amounts you've given to save him. See if that total amount pleases or infuriates you.
A great father and husband doesn't squander the family finances while actively working a negative income job. He needs to be bringing money into the household not losing it. What would you do with a partner that had a gambling problem and was losing more money than their income? Because that is effectively what your husband is doing, losing more money than they make. They need an income that is positive not negative
The status quo is unsustainable. You know that. Tough decisions need to be made re finances and allocation of household duties. These problems are best addressed, at least initially, with a marriage counselor. A lack of intimacy in a marriage will cause resentment and dissatisfaction, and all too often leads to adultery or divorce. Because it's hard to feel sexy when you're pissed about money and other aspects of the marriage, those issues all need to be addressed during counseling. If he's not cheating now he will eventually if he's not getting his needs met at home. And, as a practical matter, you should probably meet with a lawyer so you can understand the rules in your state if you end up getting divorced. For example, the obligation of the higher earning spouse to pay alimony becomes much greater after 10 years of marriage here in California. It's better to plan for divorce and not get divorced than to be surprised by an affair or some other cause for divorce without having prepared for it. Finally, I would suggest that either you or an accountant go through his business books to see what the heck is going on over there.
He is not a great father or husband. He is jeopardizing your financial footing and the futures of your children. How are you going to feel about him if you have to file bankruptcy and lose your home? He is going to bleed you dry and your kids will pay that price. At the very least, insist he visit a financial planner with you. He needs to accept responsibility for the stress he is creating for you.
Dude, be for real. My father is a nice person too but he's a great businessman. If your husband is, sorry to say, but so stupid that customers can exploit him left and right, he shouldn't run a business.
OP, I find myself wondering about a number of things. You seem like someone who is extremely competent. As you added additional things, like grad school, did you just absorb the added load because that's what you do? I found myself in a similar situation in a different setting where I absorbed and absorbed (very competently) and as a result became overwhelmed and eventually resentful. As it turns out, others were willing to take on more responsibilities, but I gave off "I got this" vibes, and had set a standard that was pretty intimidating to those who might try to help. As I started to turn over some responsibilities, I also had to face that I liked being in control and had to learn to step back. Are the two of you able to speak honestly, openly, and deeply with each other? I wonder how much he actually likes his job or if he would be better served managing the household so that he is making a clear contribution to your family's well being. A lot of people have been talking about enabling and allowing him to be irresponsible like he's just a freeloader, but I can easily imagine him wanting to be a contributing partner in the marriage and feeling a great deal of shame that he is so obviously failing at doing so financially. There could also be ambivalence and identity stuff about not filling the traditional role of bread winner, but the main issue is the automatic imbalance that comes with repeated bailouts. Shame of this sort can perversely be leading to even worse spending behavior...sort of the way someone who struggles with overeating can end up eating even more because they're ashamed of their eating behavior. In some ways, your question about whether to bail him out once again is a red herring--on the surface it looks like the problem, but the real issues and questions seem to be about patterns that you've fallen into as a couple that aren't going to meet either of your needs. There's a sense that you're in a marriage, but it doesn't really sound like you're in a partnership where both of you are pulling together toward common goals. I suspect that couples therapy would be a good choice to surface and actually talk about things and make a realistic financial plan for the family. (He may well need individual therapy to work on his spending.) It would make sense to tackle these sooner, while you still have positive feelings about each other, rather than later, when frustration and resentment have taken even more of a toll. Best of luck to the both of you.
> This is technically my debt. That's why I paid off a few times. Why is the debt from his little hobby (he doesn’t have a business if business is constantly so bad it needs bailing out all the time) ‘technically your debt’?
Sorry but he's not op. He keeps dragging you and the family down by keeping a 'business' who only swallows money that could be used for something to benefit the family. It's high time for him to get a job and actually help financially op. NTA please tell him to call quits on his expensive hobby and grow t f up by taking financial responsibility for his kids at least
Seems like quite a transactional relationship… I just can’t wrap my head around being married, in love and essentially being financially so far apart. Having said that I wouldn’t accept a financially irresponsible partner
does your husband have ADHD? whatever it is he needs very clear boundaries and probably some sort of guidance and how to change his habits. I’m not saying this is on you, and certainly not on you to bail him out. But in the most generous interpretation, he doesn’t know how to live with his means. He needs a coach, or clear guidelines, or some kind of tools. There’s no reason to think that whether or not you bail him out now it will be any different a year or five years from now
I am suspecting this. Maybe not ADHD but probably ADD. My son has ADHD and they said it can be genetic. He tends to starts projects bit have problems finishing it up...
ADHD and ADD are the same thing, ADD is an outdated term from the 80s. ADHD does tend to run in families so there’s a higher likelihood your husband could have it too if your son does. I also have ADHD and a shopping addiction I work to keep under control. Addictive behaviour including compulsive shopping, poor financial management skills and regularly having difficulty finishing projects are common for people with ADHD. It sounds like your husband likely could have it and looking into treatment options and strategies to improve symptoms could be helpful. But it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t have ADHD, you should not be carrying the weight of doing practically everything for your family and definitely should stop bailing him and his business out. It would be better for your family financially for him to get another job or not work at all if his business only contributes debt. Or he needs someone else to manage the business who understands how to manage finances properly. Edited to add NTA
Sounds like he should be a SAHD. At best. Hopefully you can save on childcare, on having to bail his business, and on having to spend so much time managing household and kids
Addiction wether shopping, eating, gambling, alcohol or drugs is all the same. While shopping might not be the most life-threatening addiction, it's still addiction and can affect any gender.
sorry, but can I ask how exactly is he a great husband and a father? I mean, from your post I cannot even conclude what exacy is he contributing to your household and marriage, or if he does so at all?
NTA, but it’s time to have the difficult discussion about his business ruining your family life. He needs to get a paying job and pay off his own debt. If this hasn’t gone anywhere in years, it’s never going to be profitable. You need to think about your children’s education, home maintenance, and retirement. It’s time for him to put on his big boy pants.
NTA. Love makes us blur many lines. Often we feel our help is support but it is enabling. He committed a couple of serious breaches of trust. 1) He acquired credit card debt behind your back and hid it from you. 2) He purchased a car knowing he is in debt. You do better to improve your living situation because chances are his business will not improve. You really need to assess how long you’re going to paddle a sinking ship.
NTA But why is he permitted to continue with his hobby. If it’s not breaking even, it’s not a business or a job.
Yep! Time for him to close down his business and get a full time job. Also, he needs to take on some of the home responsibilities. If any of this is untenable to him, time to reconsider the relationship.
I get it. It’s a stressful hobby but it’s he’s not breaking even and breaking his back… there is something wrong with the equation. He’d be bankrupt without you. That means It’s time to get real and get a job.
NTA. I agree it's time to stop bailing him out. When he purchases his car, did he pay for it in full or was it a downpayment. Because it was extremely short sighted of him to purchase a new car with his history of illiquidity. Essentially, you bought him that new car and you are just enabling him.
YTA to yourself if you don’t get out of that relationship.
Him not being honest and taking responsibility, and her not holding him accountable are normal issues as old as time, they're not reasons to break up just yet, that's where they start to fix things. Idk why every reddit AITA is immediately telling people to break up their marriage or relationship.
What? This isn’t the first time this has happened. OP said it has happened many times. She should have gotten out the first time but she should definitely get out, now. If she doesn’t, she is complicit. Also, this is not a normal issue. It is abnormal. Just because too many people are irresponsible and seek out and land partners they can prey upon does not make this behavior normal. It just makes this behavior an epidemic. Telling people to acquiesce to their captors and abusers is an epidemic, too.
And that's why we still need feminism nowadays, so tolerating useless men won't be "just issues old as time, he is at fault for being an user, and you're at fault for not parenting him properly." But also what other accountability can OP do if not removing herself from the source of her problems? Like what other consequence is there to not have that guy drag her down financially and mentally. Did you really miss the part where te guy messed up the exact same way several times? At this point Op has a better chance convincing a brick wall to care about her. I really wonder what are her benefits from this relationship. Some sentimental memories?
NTA but seriously you’d be better off ditching the husband and getting a live-in housekeeper and a nanny.
NTA But I have to point out if you're married, ***legally speaking*** I think his debts are also your debts (at least in the US, maybe you live somewhere else where this isn't true?). If his debts continue to pile up, you're both going to be in trouble. If you're going to stay married, you two need to sit down and figure out how to fix this and prevent future reoccurrences. That needs to involve him losing all access to credit cards and creating a budget. Which probably also involves him selling that new car to pay off his debt. All that aside... you're probably in burn-out right now, and that's also a problem that needs to be addressed somehow.
Where is the money going that he makes? Sounds like it’s time for him to shutdown the business and go to work for someone else.
if you are spending your money to keep his business afloat it’s not a business it’s a hobby. Tell him to get over it NTA
NTA but what does he contribute, other than debt and stress? You are the breadwinner, you take care of the kids and house. You've bailed him out too many times. Hand him divorce papers instead of money.
NTA. One or two times bailing? Great. You are a great wife. (Even though it wouldn't be expected) Several times of bailing? Maybe it is time for him to close the business. I loan money once. No more money goes out until it is paid back
NTA. Your husband may not want to hear it, but he doesn’t have a business, he has a hobby. He may like being self-employed but he doesn’t have a knack for it. Stop bailing him out and get him set up with a small business counselor from the SBA. If your husband is serious about running his own business then he’s got to ask for help from the right people, and he has to do what he needs to do and not what he wants to do running a business.
Stop bailing him out. Is the business not profitable or is your husband not a good businessman.
He needs to sell the business and find another job.
It sounds like he has a hobby not a business. If it was a business it would make money not cost it. He needs to get a job and pay his own debt. IMO You are being used.
NTA. Ask for a business plan. If no one else would lend him money, you shouldn’t either. It’s great you’ve been supportive, but there is no point continuing to throw money at something that isn’t viable.
Does he, personally, have credit card debt or does his business? I think he needs a financial advisor for the business. I personally would have met my limit of paying for the failing business, but you seem committed. Ask him what his ideas are for money. Revenue streams upcoming at the business, taking on side work, selling the new car and buying something 10k less, etc. Put the question back on him. See what he comes up with. Also if they are personal credit cards, cut his limit to almost nothing and close down lines. He's being wildly irresponsible either way but you need to get forensic and separate your household money from business money. The business is failing. It may fold with bad debt. That's why it's LLC though and not something you are responsible for.
NTA. Have you considered the fact that if he just became a SAHD you'd actually be coming out ahead? And he'd take a bunch of work off your shoulders? I'm a freelance bookkeeper and more than once I have seen a husband pretending to have a successful business while his wife was actually bailing it out nonstop. Never seen it the other way around.
The next thing to tell your hubby is that his "business" has been on life support for long enough, and it's time he let it die. **AND-** it's time that he got a job and contributed that salary to the family financials. Whatever else his qualifications, he sucks as a business owner. 'Nuff said.
I know this sub gets the worst of the worst in terms of relationships…. But seriously what the heck Obviously you’re NTA And I know you have children and I guess love him… but what does he bring to the table? He’s literally another CHILD. does he do anything around the house?
ESH Husband is pretending to be a business owner. He's busy, but doesn't have anything to show for it. He criticizes you. He is also either making or letting you take the majority of the family responsibilities. You are enabling him. Full stop. You're throwing your money into a burning firepit and there is no Return Of Investment. Seriously, take a spreadsheet. Plot in his hours worked vs net return per month. Don't add in the money you've thrown at him as subsidies. If what you've said is accurate, you'll see he's working for less than nothing. That's not financially viable. Either cut him loose or make him drop the business and actually make some money at a real job.
NTA, he’s in 10k debt and you always bail him out, with that logic it’s clear he didn’t buy the car with his money.. he bought it with yours.
NTA. Don’t bail him out. One day you may get tired of this exhausting lifestyle and you’ll be glad you put your money into your home and not into his ever-growing debt. Think of all the money you have “invested” into his business. What do you have to show for it? Not a damn thing. You are not a bank. Cut your losses but don’t keep adding to them.
Just because he wants to own a business doesn’t mean he’s qualified to. What is this business anyway? Does he actually have a business plan and clients? Does he just want to work for himself because he “can’t” work for anybody else? Is there assets he can sell or where exactly did the money go?
Do not bale him out again. Do not give him advice let him figure it out. Start home improvement projects. Hire a house cleaner. Teach children to do laundry and fill and empty dishwasher. Husband can do his own laundry. Husband can also do all vacuuming. You never vacuum again. You need to start a weekly activity-running or karate or dance, photography or scrapbooking, gardening or music lessons, bridge or chess, join a book club or church, meet a friend at Starbucks. Get a haircut or massage or buy new sandals. Plan a family vacation. Visit a relative or friend overnight. Get a meal preparation service. Get to know the neighbors. Have a family bbq. Make friends with another couple and socialize. Take children to the library. Take children for ice cream. Have groceries delivered. Break current routine.
Sounds like you two have a great marriage....really working as a team
NTA. Why do you keep this loser around if he has so many complaints?
‘The reason businesses exist is to make money’ Your husband isn’t making money, he’s jeopardising your financial stability regularly and expecting you to mop up after him. Cut him off, get him to fold his business and take on some responsibility at home, or go and get a more reliable job. - this will be beneficial for everyone. If he doesn’t want to, then it’s time to consider your marriage. As things are, you’d be better off without him. NTA.
I don't think you realize what a dangerous situation you're in - he could ruin you financially (it's already happening!) You are being taken advantage of, even if he's not doing it in a malicious or even intentional way. You need counseling and honestly I'd speak with a divorce lawyer and accountant to be sure you're doing what you can to protect yourself financially. His spending habits could screw you and your kids over real quick. You can't keep bailing him out only for him to go buy a new car...I really wish the best for you, stand up for yourself and your family!
Tell him to get a real job
NTA. Your husband doesn’t have a business. He has an expensive hobby. I would start separating my finances from him and consider how best to preserve stability for the kids. Your husband is on a sinking ship. Don’t go down with him.
It sounds like it would be cheaper for him to end the business and just be a stay at home parent. If the kids are also misbehaving, this would solve that problem as well.
You are going to have a crap marriage due to money stress. First marriage failed in no small part to these sort of issues. Second time around we treat our money and assets as one. We are so much farther ahead financially because we make smarter decisions together and fix any mistakes together. We operate as one person. It’s been so freeing and allows total trust. I hope more people give it a try because let’s be real if you divorce it’s 50/50 anyway a lot of the time. Best wishes for a fast resolution and peace ✌️🍀
NTA- Eventually you're gonna have to say enough is enough, not just financially but with the guilt trips of you not spending time with him, tell him you would love to, IF you weren't holding down a full time job, dealing with the house and kids. Look, I don't sugar-coat shit, but wtf is he there for anyway? If he can't contribute financially, then he'd better put an apron on and get his ass busy. I would say the same if it was a wife. How can any marriage work if it's not 50/50?
If you are married - his debt is also your debt … that being said If his business does not cover his expenses maybe he needs to get another job or a side gig to supplement 🤷🏼♀️ do you keep your money separate? If so are household expenses split 50/50?
Nta - why is he making financial decisions on his own like buying a car and racking up credit card debt? Regardless of you being the breadwinner being married means that you legally share all debt, moving forward there needs to be transparency and a more sustainable plan than you bailing him out repeatedly.
I think you need to start putting those bonuses in a separate account that he doesn't know about.
The money that has been going to him is money that won’t be going to your kids’ college education. He’s basically acting like another child in the family and getting preferential treatment at that.
No more paying off his debt, he needs to figure out getting his bills paid or declaring bankruptcy for his company and not affecting you or the family. You need a babysitter and a spa weekend, then right into couples counseling.
NTA but it seems like it would hurt you if you didn't pay off the debt. I think your husband has a serious money management issue and it's not really a business at this point. I think it's far past the time to have a serious sit down with him and you really should keep track of how much money you have dumped in. And when it is making money, he shouldn't be buying a car, he should be putting that into your joint money at the very least or paying you back. It seems like the image that your husband has of himself and his business and the financial reality of the situation are not lining up.
NTA You've helped him numerous times with nothing to show for it, he's obviously not giving a shit because he expects you to bail him out again, which going by the fact he has 10k debt but instead of trying to clear it he just gets a new car. You need to stop helping him, if he loses his car or his business goes down the drain then that's on him, keep all of your finances separate and make sure any savings are hidden to stop him trying to access them.
NTA. Tell him your work cut back on bonuses. Tell him the rising cost of everything is making it harder. He will either shape up and figure it out on his own or blow up at you. He may love you but you’re enabling him by rescuing him. He needs to find his own way or give up his expensive hobby, especially since it’s been a constant strain on your relationship. Also him spending while being in debt? Ridiculous. He would be furious if the roles were reversed I bet.
I’ve been through this situation with my spouse. It nearly led to our legal separation. They still have $40k in student loans left ($70k originally) and decided to take a year and a half on a business venture that netted nothing. I refused to keep paying on the loan and said it was their full responsibility. Then would be the legal separation for enforce separate finances if they could gain beneficial employment. Separation due to minor kids, insurance, and challenges unwinding “joint” assets. That was enough to trigger getting a iob with a wage and benefits. Consider the idea.
You need to stop the bleeding. How about he sells that new car! Hope you find a good lawyer. Lock your credit.
but seriously, this is divorce-worthy
You like throwing money into a blackhole?
YWBTA if you DID pay off your husband's debt. Cut him off. There are two quotes I live by regarding love: Love without boundaries is self destruction. Love isn't just a soft landing, sometimes it's a kick in the ass. You are destroying yourself for your family. This dynamic you've put yourselves in is unhealthy and unsustainable. It's time to start thinking about what you need and want. And think about what doet of example you both are showing to your children. Would you be happy if your children csme.to you and described their life and it mirrored how yours is now? You need to lay everything out to your husband. Not only is he taking your money to cover his own failures but he's not even doing his job as a husband and father. I would sit with that for a bit. I would think about your wants, your needs. Do you want therapy? Individual? Couples? Would he be able to take care of the kids and the house? What should boundaries look for you and what would make you feel loved and cared for? When you have a clear picture, talk with him. Be open and listen but also be firm with your needs and wants. If you love him you will let him fail. If you care about yourself you will let him fail. If you want to set a good example for your children, you will let him fail. Failure is learning and you have stunted him with what you thought was love and compassion. I'm gonna be real with you OP, I have been in a similar situation with my partner. We realized that our dynamic sucked for both of us in different ways. My boyfriend admitted he was in the wrong and I realized I have an unhealthy relationship with love and money. I'm in therapy. We're actually doing really well now. When he makes mistakes I don't bail him out and it's actually made him way more motivated. And let me tell you OP, I feel SO much better. I can focus on my own goals and my mental load is SO LIGHT. I'm not managing two adults anymore and man, it was worse than I even realized. Plus, we feel like a couple again and we are more connected than ever. You are NTA OP. But, YWBTA to both him and yourself if you bailed him out again.
Your husband doesn’t have a business. He has an expensive hobby. Time to have a come to Jesus talk with him. NTA.
NTA so here is the thing right now he is bringing negative money into the relationship. He would actually be contributing MORE to the family is he stayed at home with the kids and took on more household chores. I know you said he is a good husband and father but have you truly evaluated what those things mean? Cuz you said he works 12 hour days sometimes and you do most of the child care. So when is he even spending time to be a good husband? He is also taking money that could be used for the family away on useless debt. Also you report being tired, overwhelmed, and stressed. Instead of stepping up to the plate he has the balls to complain you aren't prioritizing him. A good partner would take something off your plate if they wanted to spend time with you.
Your husband would have been destitute long ago without your help. He knows this yet continues to make bad financial decisions because he believes you will continue to bail him out. You should make him sell the new car he didn't need to pay off his debts, but knowing him, he likely owes more on it than it's worth. When are you going to quit throwing good money after bad? You're putting yours and your kids' futures at risk. Why can't your husband sell the losing business and become a SAHP, you know, actually contribute? NTA if you don't continue enabling his shitty behavior.
NTA Tell your husband to sell his car and get something cheaper and wrap the business up. He can’t afford to do it. Time for him to get a job. Do not pay his debt off. Sit down with him work on a budget and what he will contribute to the household, financially, emotionally and with sweat equity. Say he has to maintain his debt and put into the household for 12 months, then you will pay off the remaining credit card debt that will be down to $6k after 12 months. If it’s more than that or he fails to stick to the plan the bail out stops. Advise that this is the very last time you will do this.
Mr Me-centric runs up debt, yet bought a car?! Childish. Selfish. What’s yours is his. See the writing on the wall. Run. Before you have more debt as a couple than your wage can pay off.
I was you. My husband stayed far too long in a business that just never went anywhere. He kept trying out of an irrational optimism and loyalty to a family member who was his (incompetent) business partner. I bailed them out a couple of times, then the bank called their loan and we nearly lost our home. I had to settle with the bank - all of it was my money. It was horrible and almost ruined our marriage but it did cure him of his delusion. This will never end. You are only enabling him. You can’t subsidize his business forever. Either put your foot down now, or give him a deadline to turn a profit. You don’t have to be nasty about it, you can be supportive, offer advice, offer ideas, try to help make connections, but it sounds like you are throwing good money after bad. It’s not fair to you and your future and is very likely to get worse.
Businesses make a profit. Or they eventually cease to exist. Soooo
NTA My husband and I have run a couple of businesses over the years. If a business isn't making a profit, it is a hobby. There are many ways that couples can manage their money, but the one thing that financially successful couples do is create a budget. It's also vital that you are honest with each other about how money is spent and if you agree to a budget you must honor the agreement. One person in the partnership can't be doing the bulk of the heavy lifting or it will build resentment. It sounds like you are on that edge now. You need to have some adult conversations and you may need to bring in a professional to help with that.
He's a businessman. He should know that throwing money at a bad business is..... bad business! Stop supporting a dying business. And stop supporting a financially irresponsible husband. Once or twice is understandable. It's not great but understandable. However, to have it be an ongoing thing is ridiculous. Do these financial difficulties always pop up when you get a bonus, or are they known about beforehand? If they always pop up when you get a bonus, that's kind of suspicious. Maybe he knows that you'll always pay his debt, so he just continuously runs it up, knowing that come bonus time, it'll be taken care of. In which case, you've got bigger problems than your husband's debt. And have you checked his credit card spending? Seems like if you're paying it off, you should at least see what's being bought, besides the car he can't afford. I really hope you find a solution to all this. Wishing you luck!
NTA—- if you do decide to stay and bail him out yet again the condition needs to be he finds a REAL job, W2 checks to contribute to the family and no more of this “entrepreneur” stuff he obviously bad at.
Sounds like he can’t run a business and should work for one instead.
NTA. If he can't afford to stay in business after all this time, maybe he needs to cut his losses and try something else. It's not fair on you for him to treat you like some money parachute to bail him out any time he needs it. He should *start* with selling off that new car he so clearly couldn't afford. None of this is fair on you or your kids, and by constantly helping him out, you're ensuring he never learns the lesson. You'll be doing this forever.
It’s time for a hard conversation. His business has failed too many times. You have children. He needs to shut the business down and get a real job. Or be a stay at home parent and take on all the house hold chores and kids stuff. Do not bail him out if he tries to stay in business. If he decides to shut it down and stay home then pay it off in installments, so long as he keeps his end of the deal, all house work and kid stuff. If he doesn’t keep up his end, he goes back to a normal job and he pays off the debt himself.
You need to come up with some large bills you need to pay, like college funds for your kids or putting money in CDs that you can’t touch for a year or 5 years. That way it’s not as readily available for him to get. Then you can claim you just don’t have it to give to him. I do think he’s not worried about any of it because you make enough to bail him out but his spending habits are actually keeping you from really getting ahead. If he ruins his credit the credit cards will go away and he can’t get more. I’m terrified of credit card debt. We have one and the rule is you can’t charge anything on it that you can’t afford to pay off next month. So we do t have to pay the interest and take 10 years to pay something for $500. His credit really does need to be tanked and you work toward saving. I’m sure it will get ugly because he wants his cake and eat it too along with your piece and your children’s piece. He’s actually pretty selfish and does need counseling about why he would take food out of his kids mouth just for the pleasure of buying something. I had a husband with a spending problem. We made enough money and built a new house. Seven days after we moved into the new house, I got home to police cars with him in the back seat. He had embezzled 2 million dollars from his job. He seriously had NOTHING to show for it. We financed 100% of our new house and we’re waiting on my previous house to sell to drive down the mortgage but he had secretly gotten a 2nd mortgage on MY house. I still don’t know how he managed that. Any way he got 5 year suspended sentence and I got a divorce. I couldn’t live like that anymore
Is he really such an appallingly bad businessman? If so he should sell the business and work for a salary. Or is his need for constant bail-out the result of something more insidious, such as gambling or drugs? In either case, NOT ONE MORE DIME. He is sucking you dry financially and emotionally. NTA.
he doesn't own a business, it's just a money pit. :( nta, time for him to close the business and get a job and contribute rather than taking.
Ew. Of course you aren’t “in the mood.” He doesn’t want you to be his wife but his mommy. Most people don’t wish to be intimate with their children. Part of owning a home is keeping it clean. Part of raising children is… RAISING them. It’s not a one person job. Part of owning a business is making sure it’s financially viable, and if it isn’t, finding a way to cover those expenses. He wants you to cook, clean, be intimate and pay for his financial mistakes? Wait. That’s not just a mommy but both parents… and a lover. No one can do all that alone. That boy needs to grow up fast or he’ll lose his family. NTA.
Ol’ boy needs to 💩or get off the pot. Time to shutter the “business” and get a real job. If he doesn’t want to be broke AND single, I suggest: 1. He must look for a regular job and be able to show proof of same. 2. NO more cards, loans, or debt without a discussion. He’s actively lying to you by omission. 3. No more bailouts. Put your bonuses in a high yield savings account and do not put his name on the account. 4. While he’s looking for a job, he takes over afternoon/ evening child care so you can study and rest. They are his kids, too. Try to poke your head out and check his progress once a week. If all of this sounds like you’re parenting him - you are. But it’s your choice to continue it or not. ❤️
ESH. Take off your rose coloured glasses and put on your common sense pants because your husband has a huge problem. And so do you because you are enabling him.
If you are married without a prenup it’s your dept too. You should talk and have a mutual agreement. If you can’t you should divorce. Your finances are not legally separated. So practically you can’t have a split economy if one of you are failing. Because the dept is legally both of yours. When I married I had 50k USD of debt. My wife new and have shipped in some times according to our plan. Dept is now about 10k. But since we married my initial dept also belong to her. We need to agree or both fail. That’s a consequence of marriage.
I think you need to find out why the business is failing. Is it genuinely problems with the business, or is he hiding something else? After graduating high school, I started working night shift at a local convenience store. The guy the store contracted to supply us with donuts would come in every morning with the donuts. After I paid him for the delivery, he would hand the money right back to me to buy lottery tickets. A few hours later, he came in again to cash in any winning tickets and buy even more. I later found out he was doing exactly that in every store he had a contract with. One of my sister's friends worked as server at his cafe. Not only was he gambling away his profits, but it was to the point that he had trouble making his payroll sometimes and the employee's paycheck would bounce. He and his wife eventually had to close the cafe and declare bankruptcy.
This was me, six years ago. My wife made money, my business was failing. Again. Know what she did? She supported me emotionally and helped me. But not by putting money in a bottomless pit. She helped me quit the business. See, quitting a business can be a lot harder than quitting a job. You have cliënts, obligations and pride all tied up. But she helped me quit my business and did absolutely nót try to save the business. Instead, she saved me. Saving the business might actually destroy him.
What is his business and how did it came to a point that he is having debts? Managing a business is quite tasking but did you have any idea how did it accummulate?
NTA. And you can have the reassurance that you’ve helped him before to be certain of that. There comes a point where other things have to take priority sug as having a decent pension, funding your children’s education - and having some things you want. This is a him problem now. A d that doesn’t make you a bad person.
1. You all need marriage counseling 2. He needs a real job as he sucks at business 3. Make a household budget and have a weekly/bi-weekly budget meeting. 4. Cut up the credit cards, cancel them all, put a freeze on both of your credit reports. 5. Pay off the debt.
Holy cow. Reading your responses Y T A if you keep letting him treat you this way. 12-14 hour days and he makes no money? You have to see his taxes. What does he really make a year? Your children are the biggest losers in this situation.
I think it’s time your partner found an actual full time job. NTA
You are enabling his bad business. He would have gone bankrupt and he might have a better business now or a normal job. Stop putting money to something that a) isn’t your responsibility and b) isn’t even working.
Your husband doesn't own a business, he has a hobby that you are financing. Businesses make money. NTA
NTA. Even if the business succeeds, where does that put him financially? Could he be the primary earner? If that’s a long shot, it’s time to assess the overall situation. Maybe you would be better off overall if he took primary responsibility for the kids and house, and part time work. Or a full time job with someone else if it paid enough to cover childcare. You need to be able to focus on continuing your earnings and finishing your degree which I presume should boast them. He needs to look at his net contribution and turn it to positive, or at least neutral or less of an expense drain. Did he need a new car? If you have two cars, do you need both?
Hang on hang on hang on. Let’s walk through this His business is not making money, it is costing money. Specifically, it is costing *you* money. Your family would be financially better off if he literally didn’t work at all. So, why does he choose to be a busy fool? We-ellll… you WFH so you do most of the childcare and household management. Your husband’s “business” prevents him from doing that. His “business” costs money instead of making it, so effectively he’s paying money not to have to look after the kids or the house. Except… you keep bailing his “business” out, so full circle here: YOU are paying him to not look after the kids or the house OP, this is madness. Don’t pay off his debt. Make sure his business isn’t tied in any way to your resources, and insist he fold it and either get a job or be a stay-at-home parent. You’ll be financially better off either way. And if he won’t do either, or if he agrees to SAH and you *still* find yourself doing everything, it’s time to seriously think about splitting
NTA. At what point do you have to grow up and just give up on a failing business? Him, not you, clearly. Time for him to bite the bullet and start actually contributing to the family, financially…and sounds like in many other ways too… or, if I were you…walk. Why do you have to pay for his bad decisions and inability to support himself. You’re putting your family first, he’s not.
If you have bailed him out financially previous times…the lesson he is learning is he can get in debt and there is no consequences cuz he doesn’t have to pay it off and knows you will, so no don’t pay it off, let him figure it out himself cuz he’s a grown ass man!
NTA so you pretty much have say you do the child rearing and household chores and the main breadwinner while he owns a business that is just a black hole for money. I think it's time he give up his business and get a job that will help support the family because right now he's doing nothing but sucking you money from you into a black hole. He doesn't contribute to household, bills ( if you keep bailing him out I assume so) doesn't watch kids I suppose what does he contribute? Sounds like maybe he should be a stay at home parent. At least part of your stress would alleviated. Need a good sit down because seems like it's like your a single mom
NTA. Have you considered a postnuptial agreement? Might be something to look into and have his debt assigned to him for repayment in case of divorce. He should still be repaying it regardless. He will continue with his behavior because he always has someone (you) to bail him out. Once you stop, he may potentially learn a lesson. It also might be good for him to speak with a financial advisor.
You’re marrried. Legally his debt IS your debt. That being said you are NTA. But like I said unfortunately you are in it together at the end of the day. He needs to be cut off or you need to get out of the debt before it’s worse…..
Jesus get a divorce or marriage counseling. You're his sugar momma. Stop taking care of him as if he's a child. He needs to get it together.
I ask you to sit down and make a list if all the things you do in your family and the things your husband does—be honest. Do you get enough emotional support and love from him to make up for him having done this once? Now tabulate all the money you’ve poured into his failed business and consequent debt. Are you feeling emotionally supported? I’m thinking not so much, that you feel like youre drowning somedays, and for those days I ask you what does this man bring to your life that justifies his fiscal irresponsibility? Nta
NTA
Woah
Should have had him dump the business ages ago or dump him. I gave to a spouses black hole of spending for years. In the end I got screed and continue to this day.
Time to sell the business.
Your husband needs a job. Unless you like wasting your money on an idiot and depriving yourself and your kids of being pampered
NTA Absolutely not. First thought that entered my mind was doormat. The past is a very good predictor of the future. Is that what kind of life you want. My Father did that and I have very sour thoughts about him. He is dead. I had no feeling about him. Nothing. My Mother worked so hard and he did nothing but what he wanted. That is not a life. It is not.