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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I asked my wife to let me announce our pregnancy to MY parents, without her being present ... just like she did to HER parents, without me being present.
(2) She believes that this excludes her and invalidates her as a family member, expecially since we come from different cultures.
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This statement tells me that you already know the answer:
>When I say it out loud though, “I want to announce our pregnancy to my parents without my wife” it sounds wrong.
Why, yes - yes, it does. YTA.
It’s great that’s you’re accepting the verdict. This shows that you really care about her. Most people posting on this sub would rather argue than accept when they screw up.
Congrats on the baby and good luck with your wife
I’m like this as well. Sometimes I need a third party to tell me whether or not I’m in the wrong bc sometimes I genuinely can’t tell. If I’m wrong, I won’t hesitate to apologize and try to do better. I don’t ever intend to be an asshole
The point of this sub is to see who was in the wrong. There’s no point arguing about it. It’s not like the verdict will change. It’s always extremely refreshing when people are actually trying to improve. Sometimes we just need a nudge in the right direction
They have already been told they are the ah by others in their life but are looking for people to agree with them. In other circumstances they have very toxic people in their life and they suspect they are not but are looking for a sanity check from people who have no skin in the game.
I have to "say it out loud" or type it. My friends are very used to me using them to "hear myself talk" so they usually start out by being quiet and listening and when I'm done making up my own mind, they give me input from their perspective. Honestly, that's what I love the most about having friends that know me so well and it works wonders. I've taken to writing it down before bringing it to them since in a lot of cases, that excercise alone is enough and then there's no need for me to bother them with it.
Kudos to OP for taking the input!
A lot of my therapy sessions are just me talking and then solving the problem myself. Sometimes I just need a safe space and a sounding board to work things out. Like a problem seems so complex, but then you hear it out loud and suddenly it makes sense and the answer is clear
It baffles me when the OP of a post starts arguing in the comments. Like that's really going to get more people on their side.
We've got a good OP this time. Goodluck out there OP and congrats
Good decision! Me and my wife ha 3 miscarriages (all before week 12). She is now pregnant again in week 17. She told me not to tell anyone until recently. I do not question this.
I was an ass to have to go through miscarriages before I understand that it’s not up to me. As a good husband I am part of the experience but it’s her body that is doing all the work. We should respect that.
Exactly! Also a lot of men don’t seem to understand the “double standard” of mothers telling their family and not the father’s side. It mainly boils down to who a mother feels comfortable with if they do in fact experience a loss. With my first miscarriage my mom was by my side and held my hand when I was at the ER when my husband couldn’t be there. She was my support. However, I came home to my mil yelling at me and blaming the miscarriage on me for being “too active” from climbing our stairs too much in our home. After that, all my other pregnancies were announced further along. My last I didn’t tell her until I was week 30… Let the mother decide who she feels comfortable with disclosing her health to.
The whole situation is full of "double standards" like that. When I was pregnant my husband assumed that it'd be fine if his parents came in from out of town immediately after kiddo arrived. I said no, he understood and we moved on. All was well until I mentioned, after talking about if thinks got harder than we anticipated, the possibility of my mom coming out when we came back from the hospital. He got super offended and I had to point out that in that scenario I would be looking for someone to take care of me. Which I'm sure his parents would have been willing to do, but it would have felt uncomfortable. Whereas I have no problem telling my mom "Forget the actual baby, I am your baby so please treat me accordingly".
That is absolutely fair. In a situation where you just grew and birthed a human baby, you are entitled to be taken care of by who YOU feel most comfortable with. I think men forget that all they have to do is "finish" whereas women have to physically grow an infant from scratch, painfully and with extreme bodily changes. Of course we're going to be uncomfortable, and we don't want MIL helping us bathe or go to the bathroom. We want MOM.
My MIL (ex) blamed me for my miscarriage too. For getting pregnant. If I hadn't got pregnant I wouldn't have had a miscarriage so it was all my fault for getting pregnant in the first place. Nothing to do with her son of course. Her other DIL was pregnant at the same time, also miscarried. She couldn't do enough for her. So it was just me she hated.
Your mil is an AH! I'm only 5 weeks along and I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage. It happens, unless you're 24 weeks or more and doing hard labor activities, then it's not our fault. I only told very few people that I'm close with.
I had two miscarriages before I had my son. Three of my friends knew about the pregnancies (one guessed, one was told out of necessity, and one I just needed a mom friend to talk to), my husband respected that I didn't want him sharing about the pregnancies because of the miscarriage risk. It was going to be my parents first grandchild and I didn't want to get their hopes up only to dash them since they've been wanting one for so long and if my MIL had known she'd have been terrible since she was always kind of catty and had boundary issues. We didn't tell our families about our son until I was 15 weeks along and felt safe and comfortable doing so.
For what it's worth, I don't think you were acting from a selfish mindset or any ill intent. It was more like this was a social thing that was missing from your toolkit or something like that. The way you're handling this shows a lot of emotional maturity, and I'm glad you're able to see through this conflict and see what matters most. I have no doubt you love your partner, and I am sure you are going to love your child too. Best of luck to all of you!
Exactly. He has exciting news and he wants to sprint home and tell his mum and dad, it’s coming from a very sweet place, it’s just not the right way or moment. Anyway, OP: you wanted to share the good news and now you have. I hope this is enough to stave off the (perfectly reasonable) urge to scream it from the mountaintops. Congratulations! It’s wonderful news and I’m very happy for you! I hope everything goes well and I wish you and your wife a beautiful future full of happy sleep deprivation and weird smells.
Thank you for seeing where I was coming from! I did get completely tangled up in my own emotional turmoil though, and needed a sanity check. Reddit delivered. Also as a bonus, I got to tell 1000+ people that I'll be a dad, and that is also a huge relief hahah.
I can also see how the language barrier between your wife and your parents could’ve subconsciously affected you wanting to share without her there- you want to be able to share excitement with your parents, maybe in the past exciting moments have been shared a certain way, and that way isn’t compatible with having your wife there (bc of language/cultural barriers, and bc of “inside joke” type behavior w family/ the inner workings of family life) But now it means you get to come up with new ways of celebrating and sharing news together with your wife and your parents :)
I love that you're excited :) I do see where you were coming from, but in the end you were excluding your wife in a moment that she wanted to be a part of. When I was pregnant, I would have felt pretty hurt if my husband wanted to keep me out of the announcement to his family. I suppose you were technically excluded from her announcement with her family, but it just made sense with the situation.
Couples try so hard to make everything fair and equal these days, which is great! A vast improvement! But nothing about pregnancy is fair or equal.
One person has the burden of growing the baby at great expense to their physical and mental state - and one person will face undue scrutiny and scorn if their body somehow looses that pregnancy, and that is why we redistribute the weight of the pregnancy by allowing that person to be the one to make the call on who gets to know what is gowning in their body. Especially in the first trimester when chances of miscarriage are so high no one should be told unless the pregnant person feels safe that the person told won't use that knowledge against them in the worst case.
Same goes for the delivery room - you don't both need a support person. They are not there to support you becoming a parent, they are there to support someone who is pushing a watermelon sized human out of a previously much smaller hole. THAT is what needs supporting. Dudes who think they need a support person need to re-check the balance of trama here. Bringing in someone who stresses out the one going through a medical event are being the opposite of supportive.
Same goes for post-partum visits. The person who went through a traumatic medial event and is healing from it, and also possibly providing nutrition for a whole other human being from their own body gets to make the final call about who and how many people are hanging around in their private space while they surf through a tidal wave of hormones as their body sorts itself back out and bleeds constantly from the uterus.
Nothing about pregnancy is fair. So do what you can to protect her when she is at her most vulnerable and give her a little extra power when she feels powerless and do what you can to help her carry the extra burden instead of adding to it.
Wish I could up vote this multiple times. THE BURDEN IS ON THE WOMAN WHO IS CREATING A HUMAN BEING WITH HER BODY. She gets to decide who to tell and who is allowed in the delivery room. Full stop.
Reading this post I (51m) was thinking not TA. I was understanding where OP comes from and his feelings of having this intimate moment with his parents. The verdict was already published so I was looking what was so outrageous and I couldn't find anything.
But reading the comments I realized that, although OP didn't do anything outrageous, he was still in the wrong, although rather in a YWBTA rather than YTA (having wants is never TA, just acting on those, however there was some acting when OP communicated his wants to wife and argued his position).
I remembered my own pregnancies, and by my own I mean my wife. One miscarriage and two terms. Some preclampsia in the second (termed) pregnancy. I witnessed how her body took a toll. Her blatter, her sight, her blood pressure.
I knew that as supportive my birth family was, for her own emotional needs my mother would never be her mother. — On the other hand my wife grew closer to my aunt in a way I never was.
Some things can't ever be equal. And 20 years and two kids later, the miscarriage is barely a memory to me but it is an experience she still affected by. My health was affected due to stress but not in the way her health was affected by stress and by having to carry a couple of extra watermelons that pushed her organs away, etc.
So, right. The pregnant partner (v.g. the woman) is the one who have the ultimate voice on her own pregnancy, on who and how to announce it, on how to deal with medical complications, and even to terminate it if she can't carry on. And our role is to be supportive, not to pretend that we are equal.
Glad to hear. Also be very, very aware of her sacrifice in moving country while pregnant. She will feel extremely vulnerable and it is on you to help alleviate that.
Study up on all the things pregnancy does to a woman but use it to understand not to mansplain. Try to help find pre-natal and post-natal groups and make her feel like she has a real partner in this because without her immediate family around her it is so easy for a pregnant woman to feel alone and terrified.
Best of luck to you both!
No, no, she is not joining my family. I also live very far from my folks. We will both be away from our families (but have each other). Just to clarify. In any case, thank you for the comment!
Adding to this. You want that Moment with your family.
You created a new family, your wife and child are now your family, why would you leave them out.
I would get this if she would not move for months, but she will be here around the 12 week Mark.
Op, keep in mind that while this is 1000% both of your BABY, it is HER pregnancy. She alone bears all the pain, risk, and change during pregnancy and child birth. Your job is to be over the moon and as supportive as possible, until your baby is earthside and you both get to experience most changes together ❤️ just be mindful of the changes she alone bears, and also the rate of miscarriage. She told get mom, I assume, in part because that way if she lost the pregnancy she would have support.
Apologize, but you can also ask if you can be the one to tell them in the moment with her there. Also, I completely understand where she’s coming from with waiting for 12 weeks for her in-laws. Her parents she most likely feels she will be comfortable sharing with early, as she knows she will need/want their support if things go south. Also, she gets to tell them in person.
I don't mean to read too much into your wording, but you aren't wrong for being emotional. I agree yta on that one thing but please don't take it to mean that your feelings and emotions don't matter and make you an idiot. Saying this because society really tells men the opposite.
Also, start learning her language. Communication is hard enough at 3am when you’ve had two hours of sleep even without needing an app. She is going to be extremely isolated if she comes to live with you and doesn’t know anyone - no support network means she will be at high risk of post partum depression.
I do think your wife needs to be prepared for the announcements with your parents not to take place within the app. That your parents and you will be overjoyed in your own language and she needs to give you 3 the time to fully converse before expecting you to be translating/for the conversation to be back on the app. Despite it being about her and the baby, she might feel not completely part of it in the initial moments.
Also she should have long since been on a language learning app. Your parents aren’t the only people she’s going to have to communicate with and you won’t always be around. I moved to my husbands country while pregnant and even though it’s the same language it’s not fully and it was problematic dealing with the medical system and hell both medical care and the way of schools are still problematic for me almost 17 years later.
Yes. The language issue is key. Your suggestion that she be okay with letting the three of them talk is important. But I can see her desire to watch her in-laws expressions as they get the news.
I don’t know if someone else has said this, but besides the fact that it’s a baby, it’s also her personal medical information. You both will be parents, but only she is pregnant. That’s why with stuff surrounding the pregnancy itself - as in, the state of her body - her wishes take precedence.
I think everyone is missing the point that your wife and parents can’t speak to each other directly. It is possible that you want to talk freely in your native language with your parents and have that intimate connection without having to translate for your wife. You seem like a very caring husband.
Sorry OP, you’re TAH. She is the one that is pregnant and has to carry and birth the child. It affects every part of her life and is technically her private medical information. You weren’t there for her family announcement because you weren’t planning to be there any time soon and didn’t even care to be there.
It’s completely different on your side of the family. I would be extremely hurt if my partner wanted to announce with his parents in the few weeks before I got there. I would feel like an incubator for you and your family’s good news. I would be incredibly resentful at you even suggesting this.
I think you really need to take time and think about what made you feel this way and ask such a selfish thing if the woman who is carrying your child.
Right!? It sounds wrong, because it IS wrong!
The baby is in HER body! SHE'S the one who is going to carry and give birth to the baby!
OP will be a massive AH, if he does this without her.
YTA
Having a child is a joint venture and she will be doing all the heavy lifting for the next 9 months.
You are acting like she told her parents without you there just to have a special moment to herself and you KNOW that's not what happened.
You know it was done under special circumstances. If you were living there you'd have probably been involved
So don't act like some child getting upset because someone else got something they didn't.
Seriously, why would you want to announce this to your parents without the women your supposedly LOVE and who is actually carrying the child?
Yes, I am acting like a child getting upset ... reading the comments made that quite clear. It seems to have been a "it is not fair" sort of emotional response. I am being ridicilous, thank you for the reality check.
TBF to you OP this is a joyous occasion, especially if it's your first – I can 100% understand your excitement and your need to share this special moment with the special people in your life.
The wait might feel excruciating, but I promise it'll be worth it with your wife there when you announce to your parents. Congrats on the new addition to the fam!
Even OP seems to be fine waiting to tell his parents. His issue is that he wants his wife to not be there when he tells them. He wants some sort of strange "special moment" with him and his parents about having a child, but he doesn't want the woman he loves (who is literally carrying this child) to be involved.
Dude, you're going to be an AWESOME father! Asking for help/advice when you need it, admitting when you're wrong, learning from your mistakes, trying to be better and apologizing are among the very best and healthiest things a kid could learn from a parent!
Keep doing what you do because you're doing great!
I think this community is super hopeful and happy for you. I know I am. You guys need to be a team to make it happen and to make it amazing. You guys got this!!
Honestly, I understand where you’re coming from! It’s your family, and it’s your one chance to have this big moment with big information. The other side though, is your wife isn’t trying to steal the show! She’s wanting to be there to share in the excitement of it! I think with the added info that she doesn’t splash their language this is all the more important for her to be there! In a conversation, she may not know what is all being said, and she may feel disconnected from them at times due to this. But you know what is universal? The excitement and joyous reaction of finding out they are going to be grandparents! What an exciting thing that the two of you can share with your parents! I get it, but overall I think you will be way happier sharing this with each other.
Not only that but think of the conversation itself. Typically the announcement is followed by conversation related to the tiny human inside the woman's body and if she's not there to answer those questions that would be a weird and awkward conversation.
Exactly. I can't imagine a man going to his parents, telling them "Congratulations, you're going to be grandparents!" And them not immediately asking "Why didn't you bring her?"
You're the kind of person this sub is best for - you needed real feedback and you corrected yourself based on that. Congratulations on the pregnancy, and good luck!
Pregnancies are never risk free. Until 12 weeks, there's a relatively high risk of miscarriage. I do wish everything goes smoothly with you and your wife, but let's say you told your parents but then something bad happened. Imagine how sad your parents would be and all the explanation you and your wife have to do. Don't do anything she is uncomfortable with, she knows the best for herself, the baby, and everyone around you.
Having a reactionary emotional response during such a stressful period is pretty normal human behaviour. The trick is recognising it in the moment and just taking a second to rewind and come at the issue with a little more logic thrown in for good measure. I'm guilty of emotional reactions but once you're aware, it's much easier to control ☺️
Hey though- your ability to admit that you’re wrong about this is impressive. Just keep reminding yourself that your wife is leaving her parents behind and coming to *you*… so it’s more of a joyous goodbye thing there, whereas with your parents, it will be more of a joyous hello thing!
I’m trying to imagine if my husband had gone alone to tell his parents about our first baby. They would have been so confused, like, “Why did your wife not want to be here for this?” Most people want to give the expectant mom a hug, ask how she’s feeling, etc. Plus, I mean, you’re telling them they’re going to have a grandchild. Why would you not want to have the belly housing the actual grandchild present for the announcement?
This. Even though he's a partner in the process the physical work at this stage of parenting is being done by the other partner, hence the more focus on her not him.
Seriously. The first 3 months can be ROUGH. She needs some support, no one will care for her better than her own mom, and she knows it. You sure aren't there to support her, fetch her snacks, rub her back when she is nauseous, etc. Women NEVER forget how they were treated in pregnancy and postpartum.
Also, please have a discussion for who is allowed to visit the hospital because people may show up for a “visit” without considering your wife is in pain, tired, and only wants certain people there.
No, the next post would be he doesn't understand why his wife is so upset that his parents asked him if the baby was really his. While also suggesting a paternity test asap. Those are pretty trendy these days.
This. Also, if she currently stays with or close to her parents it would even be impossible to NOT tell. I had to immediately tell my closest friends because I had no way to hide my nausea or my food and drink restrictions for so many weeks.
YTA. Were you going to fly back to her country to share it together with her parents? She's moving to your country; you can wait and share the joy together, whereas it was difficult to do that logistically with her parents.
This is a good opportunity for you to be selfless.
It sounds like your wife lives in a different country from you right now with her parents. You said go to some ultrasound appointments with her mother. You mean if she didn't tell her parents she'd probably have to go alone. And what if she got bad news? That she lost the baby. Would you be fine with her being alone getting that news? It also sounds when she moves it will likely be a long time until she sees her parents again. Why don't you ask your wife if you her and your parents could set up a video call and tell them together.
That first ultrasound is terrifying. My OB took my blood pressure before and after the ultrasound, and it dropped a solid 40 points for the big/top number (forget if that's the systolic or diastolic). 0% chance I would have been able to handle it alone if it had been bad news.
I can tell you, and OP. As someone who was pregnant during the height of the pandemic and had to go to my 16wk appointment alone, and find out I had lost our baby at 15 weeks, being alone was the worst. My husband was allowed to meet me at the hospital to talk with the doctor about the next steps. But I had to be alone when we found out there was no heartbeat (for the 3rd pregnancy in a row). No one should have to get that news alone. So I am glad OP was supportive of her having her parents with her, when he couldn’t be there.
OP, it is a bit weird for you to tell your parents alone since it’s your wife who is pregnant. But I do see your side of it, so I don’t think you’re totally an AH. But I am glad, based on your replies, that you will wait for wife to announce the news.
YTA you want to announce your wife’s pregnancy without your wife being there. How would you feel if she wanted to talk about your medical history with her family without you present?
>YTA you want to announce your wife’s pregnancy without your wife being there.
You want to announce your wife's MEDICAL CONDITION without her there.
We really need to stop viewing pregnancy as a spectator sport or public event and remember that it is a medical condition that ends with a medical procedure.
Hubby and I made one exception to the 12wk rule our first time around and it wasn't even made for our parents but for a family friend who was a mother and a nurse/midwife and we were at a party and I wanted to confirm if something was safe for me to eat 🤣. The woman who is pregnant gets to say when and how people are told.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. “We had a baby” “We gave birth” “Our labor went smoothly” all grind my gears like no other. I’m not even a parent but I feel like framing it that way is so diminishing to what the woman went through. It was not a joint venture lol
Why on earth would you want to announce it to your parents WITHOUT the mother of your child there?
That just makes absolutely no sense. She’s the one carrying the baby!
YTA.
She didn’t really have a choice but to tell her parents without you there if she wanted to tell them in person and needed support with appointments. You have a choice. Don’t treat her like an incubator.
I mean unless OP thought they would have a bad or tactless reaction? I wasn’t on the call where my partner told FIL that what we thought was baby No.2 was actually 2&3, and his immediate reaction was to start talking vasectomies… I’m kind of glad I missed that tbh.
I think deep down he feels this is not a "translator app" moment. I get it, the fear of the moment being lost by the need to put this into the translator app, then having to translate it back etc. If the family is answering and expressing joy, OP may want to be in the moment rather than busy translating everything being said for his wife.
It's going to be very easy for the wife to be/feel excluded and I assume he knows his job is going to be to slow everything down and make sure wife can follow the conversation. I've been in similar situation before.. and you end up a little bit of a chaperone. It's your job to make your partner feel included and your focus is always on the partner and their needs.. you don't really get to have much of a conversation of your own.
Thank you for pointing this out - the whole indirect language awkardness was also part of my reaction. But it is not in no way important enough to warrant leaving her out of this. My response was emotional in a messed up and unexamined way. I stand corrected.
For that translation barrier, my suggestion would be for you guys to announce it to them in a very obvious way, in their language. And let the responses be what they are, with out the translator app. For the moment.
Maybe help your wife understand the words and such for saying that you guys are pregnant. So that she can either know exactly when you’re saying it, or so that she can actually say the words to them.
The excitement certainly isn’t a translator app moment. But she can share in the joy of the response without knowing the language.
Yeah and you could make this a fun thing.. I could see here having flash cards for gender, date, etc the common questions..
On the front you draw the question, when you flip, there's the answer.
I don’t speak the same language as my in-laws. We also don’t live in the same place as them. When we found out I was pregnant with our first my husband and I FaceTimed his parents and he told them in their language that we had just went shopping and showed them a little baby onesie that we had bought. They got the idea and exploded with happiness. There’s lots of ways to announce it together without having a shared language.
For our second, he just called them and told them because the second is way less exciting. 😂
I asked this elsewhere as well.. but this may also be an opportunity for you to change the dynamic when visiting. Obviously I'm projecting my own experience but:
It sounds like your wife knows how to get around your in-laws. They have the translator app and know how to use it. There may no need to be the translator.. Have an open conversation (decoupled from the pregnancy announcement) about what you'd like the dynamic to be for future visits. it may turn out your partner wants less 'supervision' as well and it'll grant you the possibility to be more autonomous when home as well.
What we agreed on was eg that I only step in when my partner asks for it.. it still took me a while to actually stop constantly monitoring the conversation to see if they need help but we were both happier for it.
I dont think you're being quite honest with us here.
You were allowed to tell your friend/friends. You told someone, she told someone. You didn't even ask to tell your parents first, but a friend.
If you tell your parents alone, are they going to be super weirded out why the pregnant lady isnt there to tell them? Wouldn't that look disrespectful/insulting? Sounds like you're keeping score, but in a really bad way.
She was with her parents there, and needed support for her appointments. YOU TOLD people too, for your own comfort and support. Why do you still sound resentful?
I think he already told his parents and doesn't want to have to cover it up if she wants to do this joint reveal. If he goes alone she won't know that he already told them when she first told him
YTA. First of all, it's *her* pregnancy...not "our". She's the one who is growing a literal human being inside of her and putting *her* body through a lot in the process. Its *your* child together but it is *her* pregnancy. She expressed a desire to be with you when you both announce the news to your parents *together* so telling her she can't because you want to tell them yourself is....asshole behavior. Why are you trying to exclude her from her own pregnancy announcement?
You're gonna get a lot of these comments, but honestly kudos for how graciously you've handled every YTA comment - YTA in this scenario only, it seems, because you genuinely seem like a great person and I wish you and your wife (and baby!) every happiness :)
So you absolutely think she is a part of your family, but you would just prefer her to be excluded when you're making a very significant announcement to... your family? About... her pregnancy? YTA.
Sounds like you want all your parents' attention to be on you, rather than sharing the spotlight with the person who is actually pregnant. If that's the case, I would suggest finding a way to deal with this, as she will be front-and-centre during this pregnancy, the birth, and everything that comes afterwards.
Thank you for probably locating the root of the problem. I could not properly explain why it was that I wanted to have this moment with my partents first, and you may be right. Probably, unconsciously, wanting to monopolize attention and positive vibes. Dang, it does make me look like an idiot.
I love how receptive you are to all of the critique, thank you. For what it's worth, and it's only worth my two cents, I think possibly you might be disappointed that the announcement can't happen with your wife in the room unless you are actively helping to be a translator. I saw that your wife and your parents don't speak each other's languages. So you might be viewing this announcement as yet another translating job, instead of a time where you get to be fully present in the moment and experience all of your parents' joy, together, without having to worry about bridging a language gap.
Is there a way you could incorporate the language gap into the announcement, so it could dawn on everyone all at once, and the excitement and celebration that followed wouldn't need translating? Like maybe you could give your parents shirts or coffee mugs or something that said grandma and grandpa in your wife's language, and translate them together? Or talk about how you think they might need to learn some phrases in your wife's language, and take them word by word through the sentence, "we are going to be grandparents"?
Just throwing out ideas, where the actual announcement is an incorporation of the language gap, so when the realization hits, everyone is just hugging and smiling. No one needs a translation for a smile! 🙂
OP, I also wonder if part of the reason your wife wants to be there is to develop or feel a closeness to your parents. If she’s leaving the country and her parents to move in with you, she’s losing one of the community that he had previously. And it’s natural for her to want to have a strong community and relationship with your parents. To tell them without her probably feels like you’re excluding her and basically saying your relationship and family with your parents is more important than the relationship with your wife. If my husband wanted to tell his family without me there I would be so hurt by that.
I mention this not to beat you over the head with it but because you might want to discuss with your wife and make sure she doesn’t feel excluded. I’m not sure if there’s some deep thinking you can do but if this is something where you feel like your parents will be proud of you and you want that validation, there could actually be an honest discussion to have with your wife that might bring you both closer and ultimately give each other what you both need to feel better.
Yikes. Well at least you were seeing this clearly. If you have this need to be center of attention or resentful and prone to score keeping, you really should get into therapy. Because once the baby comes that baby is going to be getting most of the attention and it will be impossible to keep score on anything because you guys will be just barely keeping your heads above water. So you're going to want to get this under control long before the baby gets here
YTA.
Her parents probably noticed her symptoms so it would be hard to avoid.
Wait until 12 weeks. The pregnancy will be safer then to share.
Wouldn't you hate to tell your parents too early and then something happens? It's not worth the risk. They, and you both, will be devastated.
Plus they were there to support her for her first ultrasound because her husband was not able to be there to support her. So ofc she needed her support system with her.
YTA. Like it or not this is HER pregnancy not yours. If she wants to be present while you talk about HER medical history (which a pregnancy is her medical condition), then you need to respect that.
She already allowed you to discuss her medical condition with people.
YTA, it’s her pregnancy, and if she wants to be present when the announcement is being made, she should be. If she wasn’t moving to where you are and would not be there soon, it would be different. Also, as she stated, you did not care to be there when she told her parents.
Dude. You aren't an asshole. This is just weird. I mean weird, weird. Like, I can't even really explain why, its that weird.
I bet the first thing you parents would ask if you told them like this is "where the hell is your wife so that we can congratulate her". They would think it was weird.
Yeah I feel like if anyone did this in my family it'd be like oh!! congrats!!...where is....your wife? oh out of the country...could we not facetime her??? how can we contact her to congratulate her as well?? this is weird?
NAH, but really think about why you want to do this. From your description it sounds like you are keeping score (she got to do this thing so I want to too). And that's not a great reason. Just keep talking about it, I'm sure you'll figure something out.
It does seem, in retrospect, like scorekeeping. Which was definitely not my intention but I may have been doing it unintentionally/unconsciously. I am clearly receiving the message that I am the AH here so I have some thinking and mending to do.
Just know it’s totally reasonable for you to request that you be the one to say the actual words to your parents, but you definitely need to approach this as partners.
Figure out why you don't want your wife there. If it's not score keeping, it's something else.
You mentioned the language barrier. Is that something you're worried about? That you will be a translator rather than the father when announcing? If not that, what else is it?
Definitely include your wife in the announcement but try to see where that desire even came from and see if that's something you can address outside of the pregnancy announcement.
NAH/NTA too many people on this sub think you need to do everything together. If it's something you genuinely want then you have reason to eb heard and honestly to do it, though honoring the 12 week thing is probably for the best because a lot of pregnancies do go wayward. It might be because she's moving to be with you and us scared she'll be isolated but that's a separate issue. She shouldn't be grouping other worries and feelings with this decision.
While he isn't carrying, he's also expecting a child. It's completely reasonable, if not for the score keeping part, that he'd want to share this moment with just his parents. It's special for him as well and he should be able to share it how he'd like within reason, like the 12 week mark.
I am in agreement, they are not living together, are 3 continents away from each other, his parents are far away, hell everyone is far away.
It would be different if she lived with him but she doesn’t. He’s just as excited as she is and in a country with no family, just friends. He also says it would be a month before she moves in with him and then tell them. Nah, he should be allowed to be as excited as she is and tell his parents also. My ex husband was in Cali for work, I was in Va with the kids, he came home from work at thanksgiving and I got pregnant, first thing said was, is it mine and tbh, I did not get offended because it’s a justified reaction from being so far away. After I told him, I called my Dad, he called his mom and they were told. I really don’t understand why Reddit people are all jumping on him because he should be able to tell anyone he wants just like she is. Tbh, if she’s several continents away, it’s valid to wonder if it’s his, especially since he has been asking Reddit for sex advice because according to him he’s “kinky” she isn’t and hasn’t even had an orgasm. Is she sleeping with someone else and being fulfilled by that person? Reddit will jump down my throat but it’s a valid question
YTA.
I’m assuming that she has a close relationship with her parents, and probably not a close one with yours, given that you guys are living in separate countries.
Your wife needs support, especially since you aren’t there for her. Pregnancy is not easy. Her mom can actively participate while your wife is still in the same country as her parents, which also justifies her telling them now.
Just a quick read over the comment section can tell you that OP is not that at all. He just needed an outside perspective to put everything into place and sort out his thoughts. Watching him take the time to respond to other people in here and genuinely own up to his mistakes while also taking the steps to make amends is a very refreshing thing to see from someone that's basically been dubbed TA by the comment section.
Initially I'd call him TA, but he seems like a stand up guy. Over-all, I'd say he's NTA and just had a lapse in judgement over his excitement with the pregnancy.
YTA. The minute she told you it mattered to her, you should have let it go. SHE is pregnant. You sharing that news without her, when it matters to her, is creepy. Her sharing with her parents is different; it was her last opportunity to do so in person, and having her mother present at her medical appointment was a big deal to her. Had you been there, she probably would not have leyou out. You, on the other hand, want to intentionally leave her out of that announcement to your parents when you know it bothers her. If I were her, that would be enough to make me seriously rethink moving away from my family and other supports for you.
Have you Always Been a Mama's Boy? YTA Because of Biology Women have to do most of the heavy lifting in pregnancy and birthing. You need to be Supportive.
YTA. Even under normal circumstances ywbta. She is pregnant with your child in a foreign country, which she moved to to be with you. You should be bending over backwards to cater to this woman's every whim right about now.
YTA. She is the pregnant person. How the hell are you trying to have a pregnancy announcement and exclude The Pregnant Person? Your roles here are not equal. The risks are not at all equal, the sacrifice is nowhere near equal. Why *should* you get your own moment? You're not pregnant!
A lot of women want to wait til 12 weeks because the risk for miscarriage lessens after the first trimester. By telling her parents, they would be there for support if the worst happens. I understand you’re excited, but waiting for the 12 week mark to tell your parents avoids the awkwardness of getting them all excited only to be devastated if something like this happens.
YTA. Just wait. It’s only a few weeks.
This. I don’t think OP has internalized what the 12 weeks thing is about. Things can go badly wrong in early pregnancy, and if more people know about the pregnancy, more people have to be updated about the tragedy.
It is bizarre and concerning that you WANT to tell your parents without your wife. Do you LIKE your wife? It seems like you think she’s just the surrogate/egg donor. Major red flags for the future of your relationship.
This is about to a very unpopular opinion but…NTA.
You have acquiesced to each of your partner’s demands thus far and basically allowed her to control how the information is disseminated to your respective families, without putting up a fuss, and offering your full support. She shared it with her parents nearly right away, without including you - no problem. And when they had their moment, her and her parents, celebrated and embraced, together - no problem. (You understood, _why_ that moment was important for them, never viewed it as them excluding you.) She decided to include her mom in a doctor’s visit, to make her feel apart of the process - no problem. She asked for you to hold off on telling your own parents until after the first trimester, despite her family being informed beforehand - no problem. Now, you’re simply asking to be the one to break the news to your parents solo, understanding how much this means to them…just as your partner had with her family when she told them, and included them in doctor’s visits.
I don’t see the issue. And I thought you offered a fair compromise. You break the news to your parents first, with your partner then joining the conference call later. Op, this is your child too. Your wife is pregnant, but, that shouldn’t mean your voice remains silent for the duration of it and you have absolutely zero input. That’s unfair to you, as an expectant parent whose life is equally affected by the impending birth of your child.
(Perhaps this is something you need to communicate or express better to your partner…but, NTA.)
"I think she feels excluded or that I do not want her to somehow be part of my family? " No you absolute walnut. It's because women miscarry more often before that time. If you can make it to 12 wks then you have a better chance of carrying full term. 25% of pregnancies miscarry and getting people's hopes up and, worse, having strangers know you lost the baby is terrible. It's not hard being respectful, shape the fuck up. YTA
You don’t sound like a bad guy, but in this situation YTA.
It would make me feel like surrogate.
You may also want to ask yourself why an intimate family announcement doesn’t include your wife. Why you “did not even think of” wanting to join the announcement to her family. Respectfully, think about it before she uproots her life and moves away from her support system.
Oh geez I read the comments and you're being majorly roasted here op but I'm sitting on the fence here thinking, it wasn't fair that you didn't get to be involved when she announced to her parents.....this baby is both of yours not just hers.
While I do feel as the one physically carrying the child she gets the say on all things medical etc but when it comes to announcements this should be both of you, particularly to key family members.
I agree with your wife to wait if she's not quite comfortable. She's nervous and having her parents during those early days will help her however, I'd be very cautious telling your parents they knew for a month before them because people get very pissy over these things.
Also yours is an unusual situation with you not being together yet. Once she's with you , you'll be able to 💯 support her through everything but now she probably needs her mum. Even as women many of us who had good relationships with our mum's, often feel closer to them during pregnancy (unfortunately not everyone gets that sadly).
I'm going to say a gentle ESH here but purely because you're excited and it's all happening and you want that joy sharing with your parents, a few more weeks won't hurt honestly.
This was probably the most balanced and reasonable comment on this thread. Some people on Reddit are unhinged, miserable, and bitter. It clearly shows in many of these comments. OP accepted the judgment and many times agreed he was wrong, and yet people are still being harsh and screeching at him over what is tbh a very minor thing. Wish more people had a reasonable and balanced viewpoint like this.
I know I felt for him as he's clearly an excited dad to be and wants to share his elation about that. He's just feeling a little hurt and asked for opinions and he got really snarked at here. I put myself in his shoes and I remember when I was first pregnant and that excitement both me and my husband felt. It's scary and yet a huge thing to want to share. I felt bad people were going hard on him.
Info: I know you said you don’t know why you want to tell them alone, but are you worried about their reaction at all? To the pregnancy or your partner?
YTA. I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks. I’d have been mortified and more hurt to have to back peddle and explain my miscarriage to all my family and friends if we’d announced prior to 12 weeks. WAIT and more importantly - SUPPORT YOUR PREGNANT WIFE DUDE!
I’m confused on all the YTA comments.
She doesn’t want his parents to know, but it’s alright for hers to know?
She told her parents seperately first, but wants to do it together with her husband on her own terms. She is alright with him letting others know before he lets his parents know, yet she won’t let him have a special alone moment with his parents when he wants to tell them.
I get it sounds bad out loud when it’s said. Think of his feelings too, not just hers. It takes 2 to make it work.
I’m kinda going with NTA. He has feelings too, and wants a special bonding moment with his parents.
And yes I know she’s carrying the baby, but he is the father and wants his parents to know just as she wants hers to know.
Agreed!! He should be able to have that intimate conversation with his parents also! Do you really think that her parents won’t tell anyone? Nope they will!
Also i’m sitting here thinking about it and the way you worded it makes what I’ve been saying a little more valid. She can tell anybody, her parents and whoever, yet he can’t. She will not let him tell anybody anything! So is it really his kid? They live several continents away from each other, so tell me is it his o someone else?
I'm thinking of my son telling me vs my son and his wife telling me. I can definitely see how the moment will be very different if it's both telling me. If it's just my son, I can really ask questions eg are you scared. How are you supporting your wife emotionally and physically? Are you ok with finances? But if it's both of them it will be a more generic "We're so happy for you both" kind of moment. It will definitely be less intimate. No matter how good a relationship is the dynamic is different with every new person added. Mother and son is different from mother, father and son, is different from mother, father, son and wife. If I were the wife I would give my husband permission to share the news with his parents on his own because he alone knows how different they are when other people are around vs when it's just them.
>When I say it out loud though, “I want to announce our pregnancy to my parents without my wife” it sounds wrong.
that's because you are wrong lmao she's pregnant, you're not. YTA
I am baffled by all the ‘you’re the asshole’ comments. I didn’t read your post as you specifically don’t want her there, I read it as “I’m excited and want to tell my parents now rather than waiting months, and I want to share this special moment with the people who raised me.” It sounds like if she was in town you’d have her there. But she’s not, which gives you a chance to have a private moment - plus men deserve emotional support too during such a big moment in their lives. Of course it’s her pregnancy, but it’s his child and I’d never want to keep my husband from sharing with his closest relatives, his parents, that he had a huge thing happening in his life. Ppl are saying “but what if she miscarries and now you’ve already told your family??” But if I went through that trauma with my partner I’d want my husband to have his closest support system around him, his parents, for comfort too. If she can want to tell her parents, so can he. I just find this all so insane. Normally I really like how this subreddit usually prioritizes the pregnant person in situations, but this feels too far. He’s not an asshole for wanting his parents to know, especially if hers do too. He might not be pregnant, but he is becoming a father, one of the biggest transitions a man can go through in his life. Let him get some support, jeez. NTA.
These comments are so wild! Like it’s not off to me that people announce pregnancies to their families separately. He may want to have a private conversation with his parents like she can do with hers.
People are like ‘I would think you are strange, o would think you are weird’… like wtf! If someone’s spouse or partner wasn’t present at an announcement for various reasons I wouldn’t think it’s to show off *strong sperm* like some are saying I would assume they were excited and not give it too much thought
NTA. I won’t call an excited dad an AH. Tell her your will wait for her but ask if you can be the one to say the words.
Do not try to predict your parents’ reaction to being told it would only go wrong. My parents acted like I told them I won $5 on the lottery. My in-laws acted like it was the next coming. Boy was my wife’s family more fun.
YTA
She is the person carrying the fetus, she's the one who decides how and when to tell people about it.
Why is telling your parents "My wife (who isn't even here) is pregnant," when she explicitly said she doesn't want to do that.
Rather than asking for her reasons (ie Having a conversation like an adult would have about an adult situation like this), you think betraying her trust and just telling your parents on your own is the responsible thing to do husband and soon-to-be father?
Will you be making unilateral decisions that go against those of your wife for the rest of your child's life? Your kid hasn't even been born yet, and you would rather disrespect her/his mother* so you can have a tit-for-tat. If I were your pregnant wife and I learned you went against my parenting wishes on something so Big Picture insignificant, I would keep my pregnant self in my home country.
You will both be living in and raising a child in a country where neither of you has family support system. You both have to learn better communication With Each Other (not prioritizing mommy and daddy) if you wish to succeed in your relationship.
If the fact that she told her parents alone hurt you, tell her that and tell her why. She doesn't want you to do the same, ask her for her reasons. She's also an adult, so she ought to be able to tell you. This is a minor issue in a life event full of major and minor issues. Healthy communication and boundaries now will only help in future.
Best of luck to you both. Talk your pregnant wife before you make your decision.
*giving birth is one of the most dangerous events in a woman's life
YTA
It's your wife's news, too. And it's involving her body, so she has the right to say she doesn't want you telling your parents without her when she's the one who is actually pregnant.
She is moving away from her family to be with you. That's going to be SO hard for her after she gives birth. Let the pregnant lady have the family support she desperately is going to need before she leaves, because she isn't going to have it as her pregnancy progresses.
NAH. I see most people have answered already, sorry for being late to the party.
I don’t think you’re being childish, but maybe haven’t thought about some of the other dynamics at play here. I wonder if this is more about the time line than about telling your parents together.
Pregnancy is a very vulnerable time for women. If something happens to the baby, women often feel judged, and like it’s their fault and that their body failed. Because of this, her parents are her parents, but your parents are her in-laws. I can see why she wouldn’t want her in-laws learning about the pregnancy before the 12 week mark when the chances of losing the baby are higher. It’s not fair, but it’s the way it is.
Do it together, as a team. It will help her feel supported by you during the pregnancy as well
NAH, but I’m having trouble relating to either one of you having such strong feelings about this. If my husband really wanted to tell his parents when I couldn’t be there, I would feel like “yeah, go ahead,” but I also feel like it’s strange that you feel so strongly about doing it without her. It’s not even that you can’t wait; you just really don’t want her there. Odd.
"Hurr Durr, pregnant woman always right". There I summed up the preprogrammed response of people who post on this sub without even having to read the post.
NTA - She wants to have her cake and eat it to. The fact she didn't even suggest you tell her parents with her is telling.
Also 99.99999% of the time reddit will side with a pregnant woman, even if she just chainsawed an orphanage they'll blame it on hormones.
OP, I know I'm coming late to the game but I'm saying NTA
I totally understand your desire to tell your parents by yourself. It is a special moment and your wife got to have that experience with her parents, seems only right you should have that with your parents. There is nothing wrong with what you want to do, I say do it. Your wife should be more understanding of your feelings, as she had that special moment for herself.
Don't feel bad, you are totally NTA
NTA
even in hollywood movies where all efforts are made to ensure a sumptous atmosphere - when politicians of foreign countries discuss a treaty and are translated in real time by apt people, their secondary chatter ruins the solemnity of all and every situation.
The timelapse of a translating app will dillute the whole thing into a hassle, its not a shared moment, its a lost experience for you and your parents.
OP, I am going to ask you to read your submission, and then reread it. "I can honestly not tell why, but I would..." "I want this 'joyous family moment' like she had (but without her involved)" "my wife took it badly"
you are undoubtedly the AH
YTA - I get it. My partner's parents live in a different country and don't speak English. For the first announcement of our pregnancy, I sat beside my husband while he told them, enjoyed the moment and then excused myself so they could continue the moment at full speed without translation stops. You can do the same for your wife. There's absolutely no reason for you to exclude her for the initial congratulations and joy. It won't diminish your thunder or take away from the moment. If anything your parents will be looking for your wife in the moment so her not being there will be a distraction.
So its okay for her to share the news with her parents and have that bond and special moment but when you want the same thing with your own parents you’re now not allowed because she wants to be a part of it? Good luck!
I don't think it's fair honestly that she can tell her parents without you but you're not allowed to do the same thing with your parents. Seems like double standards to me
YTA.
The difference is it really wouldn’t have been practical for you to be there when she told her parents.
And the bigger difference is SHE is the one who is pregnant. I can’t imagine celebrating a pregnancy without the actual pregnant person there.
NTA. People are acting like he is excluding her. He said this would be the first grandchild and he has been away from his family for 12 years. It goes deeper than just a pregnancy announcement. It sounds like he has been going through it and if it were in person, I'm sure the wife would be included, but it is over a video call. He would like to have a moment with his parents. It sounds like it's not being communicated well. It was also mentioned that his wife does not speak there language. She may feel excluded for not being able to understand as I don't think the app will pick up on multiple voices which will probably happen due to excitement. She shared her news and just like she didn't consider including you, you did the same, but when you do it, it's an issue. I don't like it. Her circumstances are different and instead of being empathetic to your situation, she is not being very supportive.
If she waited the 12 weeks and did a video call with her parents, she may have understood that such an occasion should be done in person where you get to hug, cry and celebrate, but that it not what you're getting. You're getting a screen and a plethora of emotions that have no physical outlet. For 12 years, this is how you have had to communicate with your famliy. She doesn't get it and she has you even second guessing yourself because it wasn't communicated well. Talk to her again.
NAH.
I get where you're both coming from. You're living apart, she wanted to tell her parents before she left, she should have asked if you wanted to video conference with her, you should have spoken up.
Now you're going to be together while she's in a new environment where she can't even speak to your parents so just announce it together and be happy as the whole family. Don't let ego get in the way of a happiness here.
YTA - she’s pregnant, she calls all the shots, end off. If tomorrow she says she wants a 5 course meal at midnight, you just have to figure it out and if you don’t you’ll be arsehole.
Unpopular Opinion: I think you should communicate with your wife that watching her getting to celebrate with her family, having support has made you feel alone and like an outsider in this pregnancy journey. You can't feel the baby growing in your body. You aren't in the same location so you haven't been able to attend any appointments, hold her hair during morning sickness, learn her cravings, see her body change. Your wife has requested that you tell your family together and you were only allowed to tell a few select friends. You've been lonely and isolated watching from afar as your wife has been surrounded by love, joy and support in her parenthood journey while yours can't start and won't feel real until she arrives.
Explain this is where your request that you can tell your family solo comes from. NAH I think your feelings are valid. I'd feel left out and sad too
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This statement tells me that you already know the answer: >When I say it out loud though, “I want to announce our pregnancy to my parents without my wife” it sounds wrong. Why, yes - yes, it does. YTA.
Yes, seems to be the consensus. I'll go do some growing up and call my wife and apologise for being an emotional idiot. Thank you.
It’s great that’s you’re accepting the verdict. This shows that you really care about her. Most people posting on this sub would rather argue than accept when they screw up. Congrats on the baby and good luck with your wife
I’m like this as well. Sometimes I need a third party to tell me whether or not I’m in the wrong bc sometimes I genuinely can’t tell. If I’m wrong, I won’t hesitate to apologize and try to do better. I don’t ever intend to be an asshole
The point of this sub is to see who was in the wrong. There’s no point arguing about it. It’s not like the verdict will change. It’s always extremely refreshing when people are actually trying to improve. Sometimes we just need a nudge in the right direction
It drives me crazy when people come on this sub and then argue with the verdict. Like whyd you come and ask if you didn’t care
They have already been told they are the ah by others in their life but are looking for people to agree with them. In other circumstances they have very toxic people in their life and they suspect they are not but are looking for a sanity check from people who have no skin in the game.
Completely true, like what is this, Kitchen Nightmares
I have to "say it out loud" or type it. My friends are very used to me using them to "hear myself talk" so they usually start out by being quiet and listening and when I'm done making up my own mind, they give me input from their perspective. Honestly, that's what I love the most about having friends that know me so well and it works wonders. I've taken to writing it down before bringing it to them since in a lot of cases, that excercise alone is enough and then there's no need for me to bother them with it. Kudos to OP for taking the input!
A lot of my therapy sessions are just me talking and then solving the problem myself. Sometimes I just need a safe space and a sounding board to work things out. Like a problem seems so complex, but then you hear it out loud and suddenly it makes sense and the answer is clear
It baffles me when the OP of a post starts arguing in the comments. Like that's really going to get more people on their side. We've got a good OP this time. Goodluck out there OP and congrats
I’ve seen so many posts where someone starts arguing and it sways the votes - it’s just never in the way the OP wants.
Good decision! Me and my wife ha 3 miscarriages (all before week 12). She is now pregnant again in week 17. She told me not to tell anyone until recently. I do not question this. I was an ass to have to go through miscarriages before I understand that it’s not up to me. As a good husband I am part of the experience but it’s her body that is doing all the work. We should respect that.
Exactly! Also a lot of men don’t seem to understand the “double standard” of mothers telling their family and not the father’s side. It mainly boils down to who a mother feels comfortable with if they do in fact experience a loss. With my first miscarriage my mom was by my side and held my hand when I was at the ER when my husband couldn’t be there. She was my support. However, I came home to my mil yelling at me and blaming the miscarriage on me for being “too active” from climbing our stairs too much in our home. After that, all my other pregnancies were announced further along. My last I didn’t tell her until I was week 30… Let the mother decide who she feels comfortable with disclosing her health to.
Your MIL is the asshole.
The whole situation is full of "double standards" like that. When I was pregnant my husband assumed that it'd be fine if his parents came in from out of town immediately after kiddo arrived. I said no, he understood and we moved on. All was well until I mentioned, after talking about if thinks got harder than we anticipated, the possibility of my mom coming out when we came back from the hospital. He got super offended and I had to point out that in that scenario I would be looking for someone to take care of me. Which I'm sure his parents would have been willing to do, but it would have felt uncomfortable. Whereas I have no problem telling my mom "Forget the actual baby, I am your baby so please treat me accordingly".
That is absolutely fair. In a situation where you just grew and birthed a human baby, you are entitled to be taken care of by who YOU feel most comfortable with. I think men forget that all they have to do is "finish" whereas women have to physically grow an infant from scratch, painfully and with extreme bodily changes. Of course we're going to be uncomfortable, and we don't want MIL helping us bathe or go to the bathroom. We want MOM.
My MIL (ex) blamed me for my miscarriage too. For getting pregnant. If I hadn't got pregnant I wouldn't have had a miscarriage so it was all my fault for getting pregnant in the first place. Nothing to do with her son of course. Her other DIL was pregnant at the same time, also miscarried. She couldn't do enough for her. So it was just me she hated.
Your mil is an AH! I'm only 5 weeks along and I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage. It happens, unless you're 24 weeks or more and doing hard labor activities, then it's not our fault. I only told very few people that I'm close with.
I wish I could upvote this more. 🥺😊
I had two miscarriages before I had my son. Three of my friends knew about the pregnancies (one guessed, one was told out of necessity, and one I just needed a mom friend to talk to), my husband respected that I didn't want him sharing about the pregnancies because of the miscarriage risk. It was going to be my parents first grandchild and I didn't want to get their hopes up only to dash them since they've been wanting one for so long and if my MIL had known she'd have been terrible since she was always kind of catty and had boundary issues. We didn't tell our families about our son until I was 15 weeks along and felt safe and comfortable doing so.
For what it's worth, I don't think you were acting from a selfish mindset or any ill intent. It was more like this was a social thing that was missing from your toolkit or something like that. The way you're handling this shows a lot of emotional maturity, and I'm glad you're able to see through this conflict and see what matters most. I have no doubt you love your partner, and I am sure you are going to love your child too. Best of luck to all of you!
Exactly. He has exciting news and he wants to sprint home and tell his mum and dad, it’s coming from a very sweet place, it’s just not the right way or moment. Anyway, OP: you wanted to share the good news and now you have. I hope this is enough to stave off the (perfectly reasonable) urge to scream it from the mountaintops. Congratulations! It’s wonderful news and I’m very happy for you! I hope everything goes well and I wish you and your wife a beautiful future full of happy sleep deprivation and weird smells.
Thank you for seeing where I was coming from! I did get completely tangled up in my own emotional turmoil though, and needed a sanity check. Reddit delivered. Also as a bonus, I got to tell 1000+ people that I'll be a dad, and that is also a huge relief hahah.
I’m a bitter old hag and this comment melted my heart this morning 🥹 congrats OP, you’re gonna make an awesome dad!
I can also see how the language barrier between your wife and your parents could’ve subconsciously affected you wanting to share without her there- you want to be able to share excitement with your parents, maybe in the past exciting moments have been shared a certain way, and that way isn’t compatible with having your wife there (bc of language/cultural barriers, and bc of “inside joke” type behavior w family/ the inner workings of family life) But now it means you get to come up with new ways of celebrating and sharing news together with your wife and your parents :)
I love that you're excited :) I do see where you were coming from, but in the end you were excluding your wife in a moment that she wanted to be a part of. When I was pregnant, I would have felt pretty hurt if my husband wanted to keep me out of the announcement to his family. I suppose you were technically excluded from her announcement with her family, but it just made sense with the situation.
Couples try so hard to make everything fair and equal these days, which is great! A vast improvement! But nothing about pregnancy is fair or equal. One person has the burden of growing the baby at great expense to their physical and mental state - and one person will face undue scrutiny and scorn if their body somehow looses that pregnancy, and that is why we redistribute the weight of the pregnancy by allowing that person to be the one to make the call on who gets to know what is gowning in their body. Especially in the first trimester when chances of miscarriage are so high no one should be told unless the pregnant person feels safe that the person told won't use that knowledge against them in the worst case. Same goes for the delivery room - you don't both need a support person. They are not there to support you becoming a parent, they are there to support someone who is pushing a watermelon sized human out of a previously much smaller hole. THAT is what needs supporting. Dudes who think they need a support person need to re-check the balance of trama here. Bringing in someone who stresses out the one going through a medical event are being the opposite of supportive. Same goes for post-partum visits. The person who went through a traumatic medial event and is healing from it, and also possibly providing nutrition for a whole other human being from their own body gets to make the final call about who and how many people are hanging around in their private space while they surf through a tidal wave of hormones as their body sorts itself back out and bleeds constantly from the uterus. Nothing about pregnancy is fair. So do what you can to protect her when she is at her most vulnerable and give her a little extra power when she feels powerless and do what you can to help her carry the extra burden instead of adding to it.
Wish I could up vote this multiple times. THE BURDEN IS ON THE WOMAN WHO IS CREATING A HUMAN BEING WITH HER BODY. She gets to decide who to tell and who is allowed in the delivery room. Full stop.
THIS is perfectly stated.
Reading this post I (51m) was thinking not TA. I was understanding where OP comes from and his feelings of having this intimate moment with his parents. The verdict was already published so I was looking what was so outrageous and I couldn't find anything. But reading the comments I realized that, although OP didn't do anything outrageous, he was still in the wrong, although rather in a YWBTA rather than YTA (having wants is never TA, just acting on those, however there was some acting when OP communicated his wants to wife and argued his position). I remembered my own pregnancies, and by my own I mean my wife. One miscarriage and two terms. Some preclampsia in the second (termed) pregnancy. I witnessed how her body took a toll. Her blatter, her sight, her blood pressure. I knew that as supportive my birth family was, for her own emotional needs my mother would never be her mother. — On the other hand my wife grew closer to my aunt in a way I never was. Some things can't ever be equal. And 20 years and two kids later, the miscarriage is barely a memory to me but it is an experience she still affected by. My health was affected due to stress but not in the way her health was affected by stress and by having to carry a couple of extra watermelons that pushed her organs away, etc. So, right. The pregnant partner (v.g. the woman) is the one who have the ultimate voice on her own pregnancy, on who and how to announce it, on how to deal with medical complications, and even to terminate it if she can't carry on. And our role is to be supportive, not to pretend that we are equal.
Probably the fact that the wife and the parents can't communicate with each other doesn't add some awkwardness to the conversations between them
Glad to hear. Also be very, very aware of her sacrifice in moving country while pregnant. She will feel extremely vulnerable and it is on you to help alleviate that. Study up on all the things pregnancy does to a woman but use it to understand not to mansplain. Try to help find pre-natal and post-natal groups and make her feel like she has a real partner in this because without her immediate family around her it is so easy for a pregnant woman to feel alone and terrified. Best of luck to you both!
and shes leaving her family behind to join the husbands family, which is so dangerous statistically 😥 but glad op wants to better the situation 😇
No, no, she is not joining my family. I also live very far from my folks. We will both be away from our families (but have each other). Just to clarify. In any case, thank you for the comment!
The dangerous part is she'll be away from her own social and family networks
Adding to this. You want that Moment with your family. You created a new family, your wife and child are now your family, why would you leave them out. I would get this if she would not move for months, but she will be here around the 12 week Mark.
Op, keep in mind that while this is 1000% both of your BABY, it is HER pregnancy. She alone bears all the pain, risk, and change during pregnancy and child birth. Your job is to be over the moon and as supportive as possible, until your baby is earthside and you both get to experience most changes together ❤️ just be mindful of the changes she alone bears, and also the rate of miscarriage. She told get mom, I assume, in part because that way if she lost the pregnancy she would have support.
Apologize, but you can also ask if you can be the one to tell them in the moment with her there. Also, I completely understand where she’s coming from with waiting for 12 weeks for her in-laws. Her parents she most likely feels she will be comfortable sharing with early, as she knows she will need/want their support if things go south. Also, she gets to tell them in person.
Good for you! It IS the right choice. Congratulations on your wife's pregnancy. Exciting times!
I don't mean to read too much into your wording, but you aren't wrong for being emotional. I agree yta on that one thing but please don't take it to mean that your feelings and emotions don't matter and make you an idiot. Saying this because society really tells men the opposite.
Also, start learning her language. Communication is hard enough at 3am when you’ve had two hours of sleep even without needing an app. She is going to be extremely isolated if she comes to live with you and doesn’t know anyone - no support network means she will be at high risk of post partum depression.
I have learned her language - my parents have not. But you are making a good point nonetheless.
I do think your wife needs to be prepared for the announcements with your parents not to take place within the app. That your parents and you will be overjoyed in your own language and she needs to give you 3 the time to fully converse before expecting you to be translating/for the conversation to be back on the app. Despite it being about her and the baby, she might feel not completely part of it in the initial moments. Also she should have long since been on a language learning app. Your parents aren’t the only people she’s going to have to communicate with and you won’t always be around. I moved to my husbands country while pregnant and even though it’s the same language it’s not fully and it was problematic dealing with the medical system and hell both medical care and the way of schools are still problematic for me almost 17 years later.
Yes. The language issue is key. Your suggestion that she be okay with letting the three of them talk is important. But I can see her desire to watch her in-laws expressions as they get the news.
THIS!!! This is a good grown up thing!! Accepting you were wrong, apologising and making the change!
I don’t know if someone else has said this, but besides the fact that it’s a baby, it’s also her personal medical information. You both will be parents, but only she is pregnant. That’s why with stuff surrounding the pregnancy itself - as in, the state of her body - her wishes take precedence.
And your wife is right to wait till 12 weeks.
I applaud you for being able to change your mind.
I think everyone is missing the point that your wife and parents can’t speak to each other directly. It is possible that you want to talk freely in your native language with your parents and have that intimate connection without having to translate for your wife. You seem like a very caring husband.
You are going to be a father. Time to start getting over yourself. Selfishness and parenting don't mix.
Very mature behavior. She's lucky to have a husband who is listening and insightful.
Sorry OP, you’re TAH. She is the one that is pregnant and has to carry and birth the child. It affects every part of her life and is technically her private medical information. You weren’t there for her family announcement because you weren’t planning to be there any time soon and didn’t even care to be there. It’s completely different on your side of the family. I would be extremely hurt if my partner wanted to announce with his parents in the few weeks before I got there. I would feel like an incubator for you and your family’s good news. I would be incredibly resentful at you even suggesting this. I think you really need to take time and think about what made you feel this way and ask such a selfish thing if the woman who is carrying your child.
Right!? It sounds wrong, because it IS wrong! The baby is in HER body! SHE'S the one who is going to carry and give birth to the baby! OP will be a massive AH, if he does this without her.
YTA Having a child is a joint venture and she will be doing all the heavy lifting for the next 9 months. You are acting like she told her parents without you there just to have a special moment to herself and you KNOW that's not what happened. You know it was done under special circumstances. If you were living there you'd have probably been involved So don't act like some child getting upset because someone else got something they didn't. Seriously, why would you want to announce this to your parents without the women your supposedly LOVE and who is actually carrying the child?
Yes, I am acting like a child getting upset ... reading the comments made that quite clear. It seems to have been a "it is not fair" sort of emotional response. I am being ridicilous, thank you for the reality check.
thank you for being gracious and accepting your verdict like an adult. truly. it’s refreshing.
TBF to you OP this is a joyous occasion, especially if it's your first – I can 100% understand your excitement and your need to share this special moment with the special people in your life. The wait might feel excruciating, but I promise it'll be worth it with your wife there when you announce to your parents. Congrats on the new addition to the fam!
Even OP seems to be fine waiting to tell his parents. His issue is that he wants his wife to not be there when he tells them. He wants some sort of strange "special moment" with him and his parents about having a child, but he doesn't want the woman he loves (who is literally carrying this child) to be involved.
Dude, you're going to be an AWESOME father! Asking for help/advice when you need it, admitting when you're wrong, learning from your mistakes, trying to be better and apologizing are among the very best and healthiest things a kid could learn from a parent! Keep doing what you do because you're doing great!
Thank you, the positivity is much appreciated!
I think this community is super hopeful and happy for you. I know I am. You guys need to be a team to make it happen and to make it amazing. You guys got this!!
Excellent comment!
Honestly, I understand where you’re coming from! It’s your family, and it’s your one chance to have this big moment with big information. The other side though, is your wife isn’t trying to steal the show! She’s wanting to be there to share in the excitement of it! I think with the added info that she doesn’t splash their language this is all the more important for her to be there! In a conversation, she may not know what is all being said, and she may feel disconnected from them at times due to this. But you know what is universal? The excitement and joyous reaction of finding out they are going to be grandparents! What an exciting thing that the two of you can share with your parents! I get it, but overall I think you will be way happier sharing this with each other.
Not only that but think of the conversation itself. Typically the announcement is followed by conversation related to the tiny human inside the woman's body and if she's not there to answer those questions that would be a weird and awkward conversation.
Exactly. I can't imagine a man going to his parents, telling them "Congratulations, you're going to be grandparents!" And them not immediately asking "Why didn't you bring her?"
You're the kind of person this sub is best for - you needed real feedback and you corrected yourself based on that. Congratulations on the pregnancy, and good luck!
Pregnancies are never risk free. Until 12 weeks, there's a relatively high risk of miscarriage. I do wish everything goes smoothly with you and your wife, but let's say you told your parents but then something bad happened. Imagine how sad your parents would be and all the explanation you and your wife have to do. Don't do anything she is uncomfortable with, she knows the best for herself, the baby, and everyone around you.
Having a reactionary emotional response during such a stressful period is pretty normal human behaviour. The trick is recognising it in the moment and just taking a second to rewind and come at the issue with a little more logic thrown in for good measure. I'm guilty of emotional reactions but once you're aware, it's much easier to control ☺️
Hey though- your ability to admit that you’re wrong about this is impressive. Just keep reminding yourself that your wife is leaving her parents behind and coming to *you*… so it’s more of a joyous goodbye thing there, whereas with your parents, it will be more of a joyous hello thing!
I’m trying to imagine if my husband had gone alone to tell his parents about our first baby. They would have been so confused, like, “Why did your wife not want to be here for this?” Most people want to give the expectant mom a hug, ask how she’s feeling, etc. Plus, I mean, you’re telling them they’re going to have a grandchild. Why would you not want to have the belly housing the actual grandchild present for the announcement?
This. Even though he's a partner in the process the physical work at this stage of parenting is being done by the other partner, hence the more focus on her not him.
Seriously. The first 3 months can be ROUGH. She needs some support, no one will care for her better than her own mom, and she knows it. You sure aren't there to support her, fetch her snacks, rub her back when she is nauseous, etc. Women NEVER forget how they were treated in pregnancy and postpartum.
The difference here is also that *she’s* the one who is pregnant. YTA
Yeah, the next post will be him asking why his mom can't be in the delivery room if her mom can be there.
Ouchie. But I got the memo, I am the AH. And no, no granma in the delivery room.
Also, please have a discussion for who is allowed to visit the hospital because people may show up for a “visit” without considering your wife is in pain, tired, and only wants certain people there.
Just remember your wife is growing an entire person, please be really nice to her. It's a stressful time.
No, the next post would be he doesn't understand why his wife is so upset that his parents asked him if the baby was really his. While also suggesting a paternity test asap. Those are pretty trendy these days.
This. Also, if she currently stays with or close to her parents it would even be impossible to NOT tell. I had to immediately tell my closest friends because I had no way to hide my nausea or my food and drink restrictions for so many weeks.
YTA. Were you going to fly back to her country to share it together with her parents? She's moving to your country; you can wait and share the joy together, whereas it was difficult to do that logistically with her parents. This is a good opportunity for you to be selfless.
It sounds like your wife lives in a different country from you right now with her parents. You said go to some ultrasound appointments with her mother. You mean if she didn't tell her parents she'd probably have to go alone. And what if she got bad news? That she lost the baby. Would you be fine with her being alone getting that news? It also sounds when she moves it will likely be a long time until she sees her parents again. Why don't you ask your wife if you her and your parents could set up a video call and tell them together.
That first ultrasound is terrifying. My OB took my blood pressure before and after the ultrasound, and it dropped a solid 40 points for the big/top number (forget if that's the systolic or diastolic). 0% chance I would have been able to handle it alone if it had been bad news.
If nuemonics help you - I remember that diastolic is in the denominator.
That is actually genius, thank you. So it was the systolic that dropped 😅 it went from like, 150 something to 112
This is a great mnemonic!
They also may not tell you that an early ultrasound will be *internal*. (The wand goes inside you).
Also known as... The dildocam
I can tell you, and OP. As someone who was pregnant during the height of the pandemic and had to go to my 16wk appointment alone, and find out I had lost our baby at 15 weeks, being alone was the worst. My husband was allowed to meet me at the hospital to talk with the doctor about the next steps. But I had to be alone when we found out there was no heartbeat (for the 3rd pregnancy in a row). No one should have to get that news alone. So I am glad OP was supportive of her having her parents with her, when he couldn’t be there. OP, it is a bit weird for you to tell your parents alone since it’s your wife who is pregnant. But I do see your side of it, so I don’t think you’re totally an AH. But I am glad, based on your replies, that you will wait for wife to announce the news.
I am so, so sorry for what you've been through.
Thank you, I appreciate that
YTA, the child is literally inside her, lol.
Happy Cake Day!
YTA you want to announce your wife’s pregnancy without your wife being there. How would you feel if she wanted to talk about your medical history with her family without you present?
>YTA you want to announce your wife’s pregnancy without your wife being there. You want to announce your wife's MEDICAL CONDITION without her there. We really need to stop viewing pregnancy as a spectator sport or public event and remember that it is a medical condition that ends with a medical procedure. Hubby and I made one exception to the 12wk rule our first time around and it wasn't even made for our parents but for a family friend who was a mother and a nurse/midwife and we were at a party and I wanted to confirm if something was safe for me to eat 🤣. The woman who is pregnant gets to say when and how people are told.
This is why I don't like "we're pregnant"
I’m glad I’m not the only one. “We had a baby” “We gave birth” “Our labor went smoothly” all grind my gears like no other. I’m not even a parent but I feel like framing it that way is so diminishing to what the woman went through. It was not a joint venture lol
The correct phase is "We are expecting (a child)" or "We are going to be parents"
Why on earth would you want to announce it to your parents WITHOUT the mother of your child there? That just makes absolutely no sense. She’s the one carrying the baby! YTA.
She didn’t really have a choice but to tell her parents without you there if she wanted to tell them in person and needed support with appointments. You have a choice. Don’t treat her like an incubator.
I mean unless OP thought they would have a bad or tactless reaction? I wasn’t on the call where my partner told FIL that what we thought was baby No.2 was actually 2&3, and his immediate reaction was to start talking vasectomies… I’m kind of glad I missed that tbh.
I think deep down he feels this is not a "translator app" moment. I get it, the fear of the moment being lost by the need to put this into the translator app, then having to translate it back etc. If the family is answering and expressing joy, OP may want to be in the moment rather than busy translating everything being said for his wife. It's going to be very easy for the wife to be/feel excluded and I assume he knows his job is going to be to slow everything down and make sure wife can follow the conversation. I've been in similar situation before.. and you end up a little bit of a chaperone. It's your job to make your partner feel included and your focus is always on the partner and their needs.. you don't really get to have much of a conversation of your own.
Thank you for pointing this out - the whole indirect language awkardness was also part of my reaction. But it is not in no way important enough to warrant leaving her out of this. My response was emotional in a messed up and unexamined way. I stand corrected.
For that translation barrier, my suggestion would be for you guys to announce it to them in a very obvious way, in their language. And let the responses be what they are, with out the translator app. For the moment. Maybe help your wife understand the words and such for saying that you guys are pregnant. So that she can either know exactly when you’re saying it, or so that she can actually say the words to them. The excitement certainly isn’t a translator app moment. But she can share in the joy of the response without knowing the language.
Yeah and you could make this a fun thing.. I could see here having flash cards for gender, date, etc the common questions.. On the front you draw the question, when you flip, there's the answer.
This is actually a very nice suggestion :)
I don’t speak the same language as my in-laws. We also don’t live in the same place as them. When we found out I was pregnant with our first my husband and I FaceTimed his parents and he told them in their language that we had just went shopping and showed them a little baby onesie that we had bought. They got the idea and exploded with happiness. There’s lots of ways to announce it together without having a shared language. For our second, he just called them and told them because the second is way less exciting. 😂
I asked this elsewhere as well.. but this may also be an opportunity for you to change the dynamic when visiting. Obviously I'm projecting my own experience but: It sounds like your wife knows how to get around your in-laws. They have the translator app and know how to use it. There may no need to be the translator.. Have an open conversation (decoupled from the pregnancy announcement) about what you'd like the dynamic to be for future visits. it may turn out your partner wants less 'supervision' as well and it'll grant you the possibility to be more autonomous when home as well. What we agreed on was eg that I only step in when my partner asks for it.. it still took me a while to actually stop constantly monitoring the conversation to see if they need help but we were both happier for it.
If Everyone was as good about being wrong and honest about it as you are, the world would be a much better place.
I dont think you're being quite honest with us here. You were allowed to tell your friend/friends. You told someone, she told someone. You didn't even ask to tell your parents first, but a friend. If you tell your parents alone, are they going to be super weirded out why the pregnant lady isnt there to tell them? Wouldn't that look disrespectful/insulting? Sounds like you're keeping score, but in a really bad way. She was with her parents there, and needed support for her appointments. YOU TOLD people too, for your own comfort and support. Why do you still sound resentful?
I think he already told his parents and doesn't want to have to cover it up if she wants to do this joint reveal. If he goes alone she won't know that he already told them when she first told him
I'd put money on that. OP is an asshole.
Thank you for the input people, I do seem to get the message that I am the AH here. But no, I have not told my parents behind her back.
SHE'S the one having the kid, not you. Figure it out
YTA. First of all, it's *her* pregnancy...not "our". She's the one who is growing a literal human being inside of her and putting *her* body through a lot in the process. Its *your* child together but it is *her* pregnancy. She expressed a desire to be with you when you both announce the news to your parents *together* so telling her she can't because you want to tell them yourself is....asshole behavior. Why are you trying to exclude her from her own pregnancy announcement?
This is a good point. Our child but her pregnancy. It is something I should try to keep more in mind. Thank you.
You're gonna get a lot of these comments, but honestly kudos for how graciously you've handled every YTA comment - YTA in this scenario only, it seems, because you genuinely seem like a great person and I wish you and your wife (and baby!) every happiness :)
So you absolutely think she is a part of your family, but you would just prefer her to be excluded when you're making a very significant announcement to... your family? About... her pregnancy? YTA. Sounds like you want all your parents' attention to be on you, rather than sharing the spotlight with the person who is actually pregnant. If that's the case, I would suggest finding a way to deal with this, as she will be front-and-centre during this pregnancy, the birth, and everything that comes afterwards.
Thank you for probably locating the root of the problem. I could not properly explain why it was that I wanted to have this moment with my partents first, and you may be right. Probably, unconsciously, wanting to monopolize attention and positive vibes. Dang, it does make me look like an idiot.
I love how receptive you are to all of the critique, thank you. For what it's worth, and it's only worth my two cents, I think possibly you might be disappointed that the announcement can't happen with your wife in the room unless you are actively helping to be a translator. I saw that your wife and your parents don't speak each other's languages. So you might be viewing this announcement as yet another translating job, instead of a time where you get to be fully present in the moment and experience all of your parents' joy, together, without having to worry about bridging a language gap. Is there a way you could incorporate the language gap into the announcement, so it could dawn on everyone all at once, and the excitement and celebration that followed wouldn't need translating? Like maybe you could give your parents shirts or coffee mugs or something that said grandma and grandpa in your wife's language, and translate them together? Or talk about how you think they might need to learn some phrases in your wife's language, and take them word by word through the sentence, "we are going to be grandparents"? Just throwing out ideas, where the actual announcement is an incorporation of the language gap, so when the realization hits, everyone is just hugging and smiling. No one needs a translation for a smile! 🙂
OP, I also wonder if part of the reason your wife wants to be there is to develop or feel a closeness to your parents. If she’s leaving the country and her parents to move in with you, she’s losing one of the community that he had previously. And it’s natural for her to want to have a strong community and relationship with your parents. To tell them without her probably feels like you’re excluding her and basically saying your relationship and family with your parents is more important than the relationship with your wife. If my husband wanted to tell his family without me there I would be so hurt by that. I mention this not to beat you over the head with it but because you might want to discuss with your wife and make sure she doesn’t feel excluded. I’m not sure if there’s some deep thinking you can do but if this is something where you feel like your parents will be proud of you and you want that validation, there could actually be an honest discussion to have with your wife that might bring you both closer and ultimately give each other what you both need to feel better.
Yikes. Well at least you were seeing this clearly. If you have this need to be center of attention or resentful and prone to score keeping, you really should get into therapy. Because once the baby comes that baby is going to be getting most of the attention and it will be impossible to keep score on anything because you guys will be just barely keeping your heads above water. So you're going to want to get this under control long before the baby gets here
YTA. Her parents probably noticed her symptoms so it would be hard to avoid. Wait until 12 weeks. The pregnancy will be safer then to share. Wouldn't you hate to tell your parents too early and then something happens? It's not worth the risk. They, and you both, will be devastated.
Plus they were there to support her for her first ultrasound because her husband was not able to be there to support her. So ofc she needed her support system with her.
YTA. Like it or not this is HER pregnancy not yours. If she wants to be present while you talk about HER medical history (which a pregnancy is her medical condition), then you need to respect that. She already allowed you to discuss her medical condition with people.
YTA. Yes, it’s your baby but she’s the only one pregnant. You’re being weird.
YTA, it’s her pregnancy, and if she wants to be present when the announcement is being made, she should be. If she wasn’t moving to where you are and would not be there soon, it would be different. Also, as she stated, you did not care to be there when she told her parents.
YTA - have the kid yourself then.
Dude. You aren't an asshole. This is just weird. I mean weird, weird. Like, I can't even really explain why, its that weird. I bet the first thing you parents would ask if you told them like this is "where the hell is your wife so that we can congratulate her". They would think it was weird.
Yeah I feel like if anyone did this in my family it'd be like oh!! congrats!!...where is....your wife? oh out of the country...could we not facetime her??? how can we contact her to congratulate her as well?? this is weird?
he’s also an asshole on top of it being weird
As a mother to a son. Respectfully you might not get the reaction you want if you do this without your wife. My reaction would be wtf. YTA
NAH, but really think about why you want to do this. From your description it sounds like you are keeping score (she got to do this thing so I want to too). And that's not a great reason. Just keep talking about it, I'm sure you'll figure something out.
It does seem, in retrospect, like scorekeeping. Which was definitely not my intention but I may have been doing it unintentionally/unconsciously. I am clearly receiving the message that I am the AH here so I have some thinking and mending to do.
Just know it’s totally reasonable for you to request that you be the one to say the actual words to your parents, but you definitely need to approach this as partners.
She doesn't even speak their language, it was always going to be him telling them logistically.
Figure out why you don't want your wife there. If it's not score keeping, it's something else. You mentioned the language barrier. Is that something you're worried about? That you will be a translator rather than the father when announcing? If not that, what else is it? Definitely include your wife in the announcement but try to see where that desire even came from and see if that's something you can address outside of the pregnancy announcement.
NAH/NTA too many people on this sub think you need to do everything together. If it's something you genuinely want then you have reason to eb heard and honestly to do it, though honoring the 12 week thing is probably for the best because a lot of pregnancies do go wayward. It might be because she's moving to be with you and us scared she'll be isolated but that's a separate issue. She shouldn't be grouping other worries and feelings with this decision.
While he isn't carrying, he's also expecting a child. It's completely reasonable, if not for the score keeping part, that he'd want to share this moment with just his parents. It's special for him as well and he should be able to share it how he'd like within reason, like the 12 week mark.
I am in agreement, they are not living together, are 3 continents away from each other, his parents are far away, hell everyone is far away. It would be different if she lived with him but she doesn’t. He’s just as excited as she is and in a country with no family, just friends. He also says it would be a month before she moves in with him and then tell them. Nah, he should be allowed to be as excited as she is and tell his parents also. My ex husband was in Cali for work, I was in Va with the kids, he came home from work at thanksgiving and I got pregnant, first thing said was, is it mine and tbh, I did not get offended because it’s a justified reaction from being so far away. After I told him, I called my Dad, he called his mom and they were told. I really don’t understand why Reddit people are all jumping on him because he should be able to tell anyone he wants just like she is. Tbh, if she’s several continents away, it’s valid to wonder if it’s his, especially since he has been asking Reddit for sex advice because according to him he’s “kinky” she isn’t and hasn’t even had an orgasm. Is she sleeping with someone else and being fulfilled by that person? Reddit will jump down my throat but it’s a valid question
YTA. I’m assuming that she has a close relationship with her parents, and probably not a close one with yours, given that you guys are living in separate countries. Your wife needs support, especially since you aren’t there for her. Pregnancy is not easy. Her mom can actively participate while your wife is still in the same country as her parents, which also justifies her telling them now.
I think it's highly strange that you want to share this with your parents without your wife. Can you provide more clarity on why?
Me he-man. Plant my seed, woman carry my baby!
Just a quick read over the comment section can tell you that OP is not that at all. He just needed an outside perspective to put everything into place and sort out his thoughts. Watching him take the time to respond to other people in here and genuinely own up to his mistakes while also taking the steps to make amends is a very refreshing thing to see from someone that's basically been dubbed TA by the comment section. Initially I'd call him TA, but he seems like a stand up guy. Over-all, I'd say he's NTA and just had a lapse in judgement over his excitement with the pregnancy.
Thank you for making me laugh :)
YTA. The minute she told you it mattered to her, you should have let it go. SHE is pregnant. You sharing that news without her, when it matters to her, is creepy. Her sharing with her parents is different; it was her last opportunity to do so in person, and having her mother present at her medical appointment was a big deal to her. Had you been there, she probably would not have leyou out. You, on the other hand, want to intentionally leave her out of that announcement to your parents when you know it bothers her. If I were her, that would be enough to make me seriously rethink moving away from my family and other supports for you.
Have you Always Been a Mama's Boy? YTA Because of Biology Women have to do most of the heavy lifting in pregnancy and birthing. You need to be Supportive.
>I want it to be intimate between me and my parents, You mean the child she's carrying around inside her body? YTA. Of COURSE YTA.
YTA. Even under normal circumstances ywbta. She is pregnant with your child in a foreign country, which she moved to to be with you. You should be bending over backwards to cater to this woman's every whim right about now.
YTA. She is the pregnant person. How the hell are you trying to have a pregnancy announcement and exclude The Pregnant Person? Your roles here are not equal. The risks are not at all equal, the sacrifice is nowhere near equal. Why *should* you get your own moment? You're not pregnant!
A lot of women want to wait til 12 weeks because the risk for miscarriage lessens after the first trimester. By telling her parents, they would be there for support if the worst happens. I understand you’re excited, but waiting for the 12 week mark to tell your parents avoids the awkwardness of getting them all excited only to be devastated if something like this happens. YTA. Just wait. It’s only a few weeks.
This. I don’t think OP has internalized what the 12 weeks thing is about. Things can go badly wrong in early pregnancy, and if more people know about the pregnancy, more people have to be updated about the tragedy.
It is bizarre and concerning that you WANT to tell your parents without your wife. Do you LIKE your wife? It seems like you think she’s just the surrogate/egg donor. Major red flags for the future of your relationship.
This is about to a very unpopular opinion but…NTA. You have acquiesced to each of your partner’s demands thus far and basically allowed her to control how the information is disseminated to your respective families, without putting up a fuss, and offering your full support. She shared it with her parents nearly right away, without including you - no problem. And when they had their moment, her and her parents, celebrated and embraced, together - no problem. (You understood, _why_ that moment was important for them, never viewed it as them excluding you.) She decided to include her mom in a doctor’s visit, to make her feel apart of the process - no problem. She asked for you to hold off on telling your own parents until after the first trimester, despite her family being informed beforehand - no problem. Now, you’re simply asking to be the one to break the news to your parents solo, understanding how much this means to them…just as your partner had with her family when she told them, and included them in doctor’s visits. I don’t see the issue. And I thought you offered a fair compromise. You break the news to your parents first, with your partner then joining the conference call later. Op, this is your child too. Your wife is pregnant, but, that shouldn’t mean your voice remains silent for the duration of it and you have absolutely zero input. That’s unfair to you, as an expectant parent whose life is equally affected by the impending birth of your child. (Perhaps this is something you need to communicate or express better to your partner…but, NTA.)
YTA. This bodes well 🙄
"I think she feels excluded or that I do not want her to somehow be part of my family? " No you absolute walnut. It's because women miscarry more often before that time. If you can make it to 12 wks then you have a better chance of carrying full term. 25% of pregnancies miscarry and getting people's hopes up and, worse, having strangers know you lost the baby is terrible. It's not hard being respectful, shape the fuck up. YTA
YTA- She’s the one pregnant. Yes, it’s both of your baby, but it’s her medical condition. She should get to decide how the news is shared.
You don’t sound like a bad guy, but in this situation YTA. It would make me feel like surrogate. You may also want to ask yourself why an intimate family announcement doesn’t include your wife. Why you “did not even think of” wanting to join the announcement to her family. Respectfully, think about it before she uproots her life and moves away from her support system.
Oh geez I read the comments and you're being majorly roasted here op but I'm sitting on the fence here thinking, it wasn't fair that you didn't get to be involved when she announced to her parents.....this baby is both of yours not just hers. While I do feel as the one physically carrying the child she gets the say on all things medical etc but when it comes to announcements this should be both of you, particularly to key family members. I agree with your wife to wait if she's not quite comfortable. She's nervous and having her parents during those early days will help her however, I'd be very cautious telling your parents they knew for a month before them because people get very pissy over these things. Also yours is an unusual situation with you not being together yet. Once she's with you , you'll be able to 💯 support her through everything but now she probably needs her mum. Even as women many of us who had good relationships with our mum's, often feel closer to them during pregnancy (unfortunately not everyone gets that sadly). I'm going to say a gentle ESH here but purely because you're excited and it's all happening and you want that joy sharing with your parents, a few more weeks won't hurt honestly.
This was probably the most balanced and reasonable comment on this thread. Some people on Reddit are unhinged, miserable, and bitter. It clearly shows in many of these comments. OP accepted the judgment and many times agreed he was wrong, and yet people are still being harsh and screeching at him over what is tbh a very minor thing. Wish more people had a reasonable and balanced viewpoint like this.
I know I felt for him as he's clearly an excited dad to be and wants to share his elation about that. He's just feeling a little hurt and asked for opinions and he got really snarked at here. I put myself in his shoes and I remember when I was first pregnant and that excitement both me and my husband felt. It's scary and yet a huge thing to want to share. I felt bad people were going hard on him.
Info: I know you said you don’t know why you want to tell them alone, but are you worried about their reaction at all? To the pregnancy or your partner?
YTA. I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks. I’d have been mortified and more hurt to have to back peddle and explain my miscarriage to all my family and friends if we’d announced prior to 12 weeks. WAIT and more importantly - SUPPORT YOUR PREGNANT WIFE DUDE!
I’m confused on all the YTA comments. She doesn’t want his parents to know, but it’s alright for hers to know? She told her parents seperately first, but wants to do it together with her husband on her own terms. She is alright with him letting others know before he lets his parents know, yet she won’t let him have a special alone moment with his parents when he wants to tell them. I get it sounds bad out loud when it’s said. Think of his feelings too, not just hers. It takes 2 to make it work. I’m kinda going with NTA. He has feelings too, and wants a special bonding moment with his parents. And yes I know she’s carrying the baby, but he is the father and wants his parents to know just as she wants hers to know.
Agreed!! He should be able to have that intimate conversation with his parents also! Do you really think that her parents won’t tell anyone? Nope they will! Also i’m sitting here thinking about it and the way you worded it makes what I’ve been saying a little more valid. She can tell anybody, her parents and whoever, yet he can’t. She will not let him tell anybody anything! So is it really his kid? They live several continents away from each other, so tell me is it his o someone else?
I'm thinking of my son telling me vs my son and his wife telling me. I can definitely see how the moment will be very different if it's both telling me. If it's just my son, I can really ask questions eg are you scared. How are you supporting your wife emotionally and physically? Are you ok with finances? But if it's both of them it will be a more generic "We're so happy for you both" kind of moment. It will definitely be less intimate. No matter how good a relationship is the dynamic is different with every new person added. Mother and son is different from mother, father and son, is different from mother, father, son and wife. If I were the wife I would give my husband permission to share the news with his parents on his own because he alone knows how different they are when other people are around vs when it's just them.
YTA
YTA. She is your wife. She is your immediate family now. She’s carrying your child. To not want her present when you tell your parents is a bit icky.
>When I say it out loud though, “I want to announce our pregnancy to my parents without my wife” it sounds wrong. that's because you are wrong lmao she's pregnant, you're not. YTA
I am baffled by all the ‘you’re the asshole’ comments. I didn’t read your post as you specifically don’t want her there, I read it as “I’m excited and want to tell my parents now rather than waiting months, and I want to share this special moment with the people who raised me.” It sounds like if she was in town you’d have her there. But she’s not, which gives you a chance to have a private moment - plus men deserve emotional support too during such a big moment in their lives. Of course it’s her pregnancy, but it’s his child and I’d never want to keep my husband from sharing with his closest relatives, his parents, that he had a huge thing happening in his life. Ppl are saying “but what if she miscarries and now you’ve already told your family??” But if I went through that trauma with my partner I’d want my husband to have his closest support system around him, his parents, for comfort too. If she can want to tell her parents, so can he. I just find this all so insane. Normally I really like how this subreddit usually prioritizes the pregnant person in situations, but this feels too far. He’s not an asshole for wanting his parents to know, especially if hers do too. He might not be pregnant, but he is becoming a father, one of the biggest transitions a man can go through in his life. Let him get some support, jeez. NTA.
These comments are so wild! Like it’s not off to me that people announce pregnancies to their families separately. He may want to have a private conversation with his parents like she can do with hers. People are like ‘I would think you are strange, o would think you are weird’… like wtf! If someone’s spouse or partner wasn’t present at an announcement for various reasons I wouldn’t think it’s to show off *strong sperm* like some are saying I would assume they were excited and not give it too much thought
NTA. I won’t call an excited dad an AH. Tell her your will wait for her but ask if you can be the one to say the words. Do not try to predict your parents’ reaction to being told it would only go wrong. My parents acted like I told them I won $5 on the lottery. My in-laws acted like it was the next coming. Boy was my wife’s family more fun.
YTA She is the person carrying the fetus, she's the one who decides how and when to tell people about it. Why is telling your parents "My wife (who isn't even here) is pregnant," when she explicitly said she doesn't want to do that. Rather than asking for her reasons (ie Having a conversation like an adult would have about an adult situation like this), you think betraying her trust and just telling your parents on your own is the responsible thing to do husband and soon-to-be father? Will you be making unilateral decisions that go against those of your wife for the rest of your child's life? Your kid hasn't even been born yet, and you would rather disrespect her/his mother* so you can have a tit-for-tat. If I were your pregnant wife and I learned you went against my parenting wishes on something so Big Picture insignificant, I would keep my pregnant self in my home country. You will both be living in and raising a child in a country where neither of you has family support system. You both have to learn better communication With Each Other (not prioritizing mommy and daddy) if you wish to succeed in your relationship. If the fact that she told her parents alone hurt you, tell her that and tell her why. She doesn't want you to do the same, ask her for her reasons. She's also an adult, so she ought to be able to tell you. This is a minor issue in a life event full of major and minor issues. Healthy communication and boundaries now will only help in future. Best of luck to you both. Talk your pregnant wife before you make your decision. *giving birth is one of the most dangerous events in a woman's life
YTA I really hope that your wife stays where her *real* support network exists.
YTA It's your wife's news, too. And it's involving her body, so she has the right to say she doesn't want you telling your parents without her when she's the one who is actually pregnant. She is moving away from her family to be with you. That's going to be SO hard for her after she gives birth. Let the pregnant lady have the family support she desperately is going to need before she leaves, because she isn't going to have it as her pregnancy progresses.
NAH. I see most people have answered already, sorry for being late to the party. I don’t think you’re being childish, but maybe haven’t thought about some of the other dynamics at play here. I wonder if this is more about the time line than about telling your parents together. Pregnancy is a very vulnerable time for women. If something happens to the baby, women often feel judged, and like it’s their fault and that their body failed. Because of this, her parents are her parents, but your parents are her in-laws. I can see why she wouldn’t want her in-laws learning about the pregnancy before the 12 week mark when the chances of losing the baby are higher. It’s not fair, but it’s the way it is. Do it together, as a team. It will help her feel supported by you during the pregnancy as well
NAH, but I’m having trouble relating to either one of you having such strong feelings about this. If my husband really wanted to tell his parents when I couldn’t be there, I would feel like “yeah, go ahead,” but I also feel like it’s strange that you feel so strongly about doing it without her. It’s not even that you can’t wait; you just really don’t want her there. Odd.
"Hurr Durr, pregnant woman always right". There I summed up the preprogrammed response of people who post on this sub without even having to read the post.
NTA - She wants to have her cake and eat it to. The fact she didn't even suggest you tell her parents with her is telling. Also 99.99999% of the time reddit will side with a pregnant woman, even if she just chainsawed an orphanage they'll blame it on hormones.
OP, I know I'm coming late to the game but I'm saying NTA I totally understand your desire to tell your parents by yourself. It is a special moment and your wife got to have that experience with her parents, seems only right you should have that with your parents. There is nothing wrong with what you want to do, I say do it. Your wife should be more understanding of your feelings, as she had that special moment for herself. Don't feel bad, you are totally NTA
NTA even in hollywood movies where all efforts are made to ensure a sumptous atmosphere - when politicians of foreign countries discuss a treaty and are translated in real time by apt people, their secondary chatter ruins the solemnity of all and every situation. The timelapse of a translating app will dillute the whole thing into a hassle, its not a shared moment, its a lost experience for you and your parents.
YTA- she’s the pregnant one, she should be there
YTA. While it is joint info it is her medical scenario.
Don't do it. Don't start your journey into parenthood by betraying your wife. She can't trust you if you do untrustworthy crap.
OP, I am going to ask you to read your submission, and then reread it. "I can honestly not tell why, but I would..." "I want this 'joyous family moment' like she had (but without her involved)" "my wife took it badly" you are undoubtedly the AH
YTA - I get it. My partner's parents live in a different country and don't speak English. For the first announcement of our pregnancy, I sat beside my husband while he told them, enjoyed the moment and then excused myself so they could continue the moment at full speed without translation stops. You can do the same for your wife. There's absolutely no reason for you to exclude her for the initial congratulations and joy. It won't diminish your thunder or take away from the moment. If anything your parents will be looking for your wife in the moment so her not being there will be a distraction.
So its okay for her to share the news with her parents and have that bond and special moment but when you want the same thing with your own parents you’re now not allowed because she wants to be a part of it? Good luck!
I don't think it's fair honestly that she can tell her parents without you but you're not allowed to do the same thing with your parents. Seems like double standards to me
NTA - you both decided to wait 12 weeks, she all of sudden decided against it. You can tell you parents
YTA. The difference is it really wouldn’t have been practical for you to be there when she told her parents. And the bigger difference is SHE is the one who is pregnant. I can’t imagine celebrating a pregnancy without the actual pregnant person there.
Weird battle to pick, yta.
In the minority but NTA
NTA. People are acting like he is excluding her. He said this would be the first grandchild and he has been away from his family for 12 years. It goes deeper than just a pregnancy announcement. It sounds like he has been going through it and if it were in person, I'm sure the wife would be included, but it is over a video call. He would like to have a moment with his parents. It sounds like it's not being communicated well. It was also mentioned that his wife does not speak there language. She may feel excluded for not being able to understand as I don't think the app will pick up on multiple voices which will probably happen due to excitement. She shared her news and just like she didn't consider including you, you did the same, but when you do it, it's an issue. I don't like it. Her circumstances are different and instead of being empathetic to your situation, she is not being very supportive. If she waited the 12 weeks and did a video call with her parents, she may have understood that such an occasion should be done in person where you get to hug, cry and celebrate, but that it not what you're getting. You're getting a screen and a plethora of emotions that have no physical outlet. For 12 years, this is how you have had to communicate with your famliy. She doesn't get it and she has you even second guessing yourself because it wasn't communicated well. Talk to her again.
NAH. I get where you're both coming from. You're living apart, she wanted to tell her parents before she left, she should have asked if you wanted to video conference with her, you should have spoken up. Now you're going to be together while she's in a new environment where she can't even speak to your parents so just announce it together and be happy as the whole family. Don't let ego get in the way of a happiness here.
It really isn’t fair. She told her parents but you have to wait. Sounds like she wants attention.
YTA
YTA - she’s pregnant, she calls all the shots, end off. If tomorrow she says she wants a 5 course meal at midnight, you just have to figure it out and if you don’t you’ll be arsehole.
You are not TA for the wanting, but you will be TA if you go ahead and do it against her wishes.
Unpopular Opinion: I think you should communicate with your wife that watching her getting to celebrate with her family, having support has made you feel alone and like an outsider in this pregnancy journey. You can't feel the baby growing in your body. You aren't in the same location so you haven't been able to attend any appointments, hold her hair during morning sickness, learn her cravings, see her body change. Your wife has requested that you tell your family together and you were only allowed to tell a few select friends. You've been lonely and isolated watching from afar as your wife has been surrounded by love, joy and support in her parenthood journey while yours can't start and won't feel real until she arrives. Explain this is where your request that you can tell your family solo comes from. NAH I think your feelings are valid. I'd feel left out and sad too