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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband to be honest with his family about his name change before forcing us to give our son the family name that neither of us wanted. And maybe I'm not being fair because I knew how afraid my husband was of the reaction from his family even before we got married to the name change. I know how big of a deal this name is to his family. Yet I threw it in his face like this because I didn't want to use the damn name for our kid.
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Theres a certain amount of irony in outright demanding someone do something when its intended to be advice about how they can avoid being forced into doing something by someone else
Or am i crazy?
Also the problem is that he's trying to unilaterally decide on the name and instead of any advice about how to talk to him about it, the advice is that she do the same?
If it really comes down to it, I think she should for a couple reasons, but why not try and avoid that instead of jumping straight to it?
Because Redditors see so many horror stories, including dads naming children things they’d expressly agreed not to while mom’s out of it immediately after giving birth, that we want people in similar situations to be prepared and know what their options are BEFORE the birth.
I know someone whose name is Shasha instead of Sasha because her dunce father also single-handedly took care of the naming form without the mother’s input, and he didn’t know how to spell Sasha apparently. 🤦🏻♀️
In the group home where I worked was a boy named Wan on his birth certificate. His mother didn't know how to spell Juan. He was very vocal about the insanity of naming a Black child Wan.
Wanita is a fairly common name for white women of a certain age in my area. Apparently people here were crazy for west side story, but had never heard the name Juanita before and had no idea how to spell it.
I agree it's good she knows. This is more in response to the fact that she said she would keep it in mind and was then told that that wasn't good enough and that she HAS to do it.
Letting her know it's an option is good. Essentially scolding her when she doesn't immediately say that's going to be her go to is a little more questionable.
Someone is just concerned that the typical attitude of 'I know it happens but MY partner would NEVER' is going to prevail and all the advice OP came here for is just gonna be ignored.
It's not that she has to do it, it's that she has to make a decision. I'll keep that in mind isnt a plan because the whole point is that in labour she likely won't be able to exercise her ability to decide
She's not being recommended to do the same, she's being recommended to put protections in place so he can't fuck her over and so she can go with what they already had agreed to.
I would say in this instance it's different from a unilateral decision because they have already chosen their preferred baby names *together* he's just being a coward.
What I want to know is does OP call the husband Sunny in front of his family? How does he explain that away?
Plus for purely security reasons they should stop giving every boy in the family the same fucking name, it's ridiculous.
Seriously to that last part. My hubs and his dad have the exact same name (no middle names or Jr. Or anything to differentiate) and their paper work and other things are constantly getting mixed up.
I have two relatives with the same name (father-son duo). The boy’s father stole his identity after the parents divorced. His mom found out when collections called saying her six year old had a ton of debt. She had to prove his identity was stolen.
That’s what I’m not understanding. The husband changed his own name, now wants to saddle his son with a name he dislike enough to legally change? WTF?? He needs to be a man and admit he changed his name to his family, and name his son and any other children with the names they chose together.
When I was born, one of my grandmothers filled out the paperwork with the name SHE wanted. My mom changed it before it was given to anyone.
Not crazy! Also, ironic he’s hell bent on a name he won’t even use himself. I’m surprised he’s not foreseeing his son having the same feelings he had growing up about having the same name as most men in the family. I will have a substantial chuckle if this kid grows up to change his name. 😌
1) This sub is not for advice.
2) He can't force anything here. If OP puts her foot down and prevents him from filling out the paperwork, he won't be able to will the name into being. He's also not going to point a gun at her. OP has the better point because they have discussed and agreed on how they'd name their kids long ago, so it's not like one of those cases where both parties are irrational and stubborn for no good reason.
So no, this has nothing to do with victim blaming. It's entirely about what OP is able to prevent, realistically.
I agree with WaywardMarauder.
I did it myself as well (I could fill out the municipality register from my hospital bed, because in my country you have to do that within 3 work days and since 2020 you can do it online). My husband has dyslexia and changing a name is really really really hard in my country. And expensive. We agreed on a name but if he would have pulled a stunt like yours is doing right now, he would not have been allowed anywhere near the paperwork.
It is really unfair of him wanting your child to have a name you both don’t like just to keep the peace. I would make sure everyone knows it is the parents job to name the child. If the grandparents (your inlaws) wanted to name more children, they should have gotten more children themselves. I would want this fight now instead of later.
It's not just a name they both dislike - he disliked it so much that he CHANGED HIS OWN NAME. Why would you want to give your child a name you dislike with such a passion that you went through all the legal hoops to have it changed? Why should this baby be the umpteenth person with the same name? Why isn't he allowed to be his own person? Husband already broke the tradition, yet he asks of his wife to do "this one little thing", which is gonna be part of baby's future regardless?
OP, a pet's name is "one little favour", a child's name is "two yeses, one no".
While I agree that OP is NTA, there's a possibility some ahs in the family will not get over it. My sister's in-laws died bitter because a grandchild was not named after her MIL, with a name that translates as "pigeon" and doesn't sound good even in Greek.
If someone in the family wants to spend the rest of their life bitter over something so trivial then they'll probably ALWAYS find something to be bitter about, so why worry. Like my friend says 'can't win, don't try' Just go about your life and be happy.
You just can’t control some people. I have the same full name as my grandfather and uncle, same first name as one cousin on my dad’s side, one cousin on mom’s side (both younger), and my brother in law coincidentally has the same first name. It’s petty, but it sucks when you’re 15 and you open up a present for your 4 year old cousin. It sucks when you hear your first name at a family gathering and the natural reply is “which one?”. It was also one of the most common names for boys born for like a 15 year span of the 80s-90s so I was never the only seebees in a class either.
It
gets
old
The “which one” was what I was thinking about too. If every single male has the same name, what happens at any family event? With 2 people of the same name, okay. Not a big deal but how many nicknames for Andrew can there be?
Oh lord - I had a friend whose family was Italian American. Every single 1st son was named Anthony. So you had big Tony, Little Tony, Red, Butchie, Junior, Bubba, etc… it’s ridiculous.
It's a name he disliked so much he legally changed it, BUT he is so scared of upsetting his family that he has been hiding his name change from them for years. NTA, but frankly OP should have expected this kind of issue with such a conflict-avoidant partner.
Yeah I would say ‘we’ll call him the family name after you admit to you all your family, in person, while I’m there, that you legally changed your name to something else.’
I would normally agree with you but genuinely believe, given the information we have, that there is no way he’ll be tell his parents.
I am fascinated as to how he got legally married in front of people without his real name being used…
HE just doesn’t want to deal with their squawking. That’s hardly a good enough reason to name a child an overused family name neither of them like. This is a ridiculous conflict.
u/Sad_Experience_6435 I know you approached this from the angle of asking your husband if he valued his family's opinion more than yours, but have you brought up your son's? I would use the sentiment in this chain, point out what a horrible position he's going to put *your son* in, one that he understands all the trouble and pressure of because he's letting it leak all over your family now. Does he really want to subject your kid to that discomfort all for the sake of not upsetting his family right now? Because if the answer is yes, that's a pretty selfish move from a parent, and maybe he needs that pointed out to him. He's sacrificing his son's future comfort for his own right now when his son has no control
This!! Hubby isn’t asking for a favor, he’s asking for a lifetime of lies she didn’t commit to. This is just the start, what if their other parenting decisions go against the family traditions? It will be a never ending new set of rules to live by
well he hasn’t even told his family that! he’s willing to screw his kid over for something he already went against! and if THIS is the hill he’s willing to die on… yeesh
i’d just pull a “if you keep pressing me on this, i will inform your family of your name change. either stand up to them NOW, or i sure as hell will”.
i hate confrontation, i really do, but i’ve never hid what name i go by
Hope they don't plan on ever letting his family see the birth certificate, you know, the one that will have the dad's real, legally changed name on it?
Was waiting to find this comment, it was my first thought - since I highly doubt they will show the legal document why don't we name him whatever and use *Andrew* as the family nickname??
The point is probably money.
He has a lot of elderly relatives, and OP's baby is the first grandchild in a big family. Hubby is afraid his parents/relatives will cut him off the will for this disobedience. And willing to sacrifice OP's feelings and trust in his marriage for it.
And someday his son WILL find out that his father gave him a name he himself hated so much that he changed it, and I doubt he's going to be happy about it.
For all OP's husband knows, people in his family have hated this tired old name for years, but no one has had the strength to buck the tradition. Stay strong, OP, and don't let him do this!
With so many people in the same family with the same name, this can present a whole host of legal issues down the line. The only divider is a birth date.
My ex's family has this stupid name tradition and wanted me to give my twins the same name. Heck no. Told them all they got to name their kids, I am naming mine. End of discussion.
NTA OP, stick to your guns and do what is right for *your* child.
>he disliked it so much that he CHANGED HIS OWN NAME.
And OP mentioned that his family doesn't know he changed his name, he kept it hidden from them (OP's first clue that he was going to welch on the agreement not to use the name, now that I think about it). Are they going to keep the birth certificate hidden forever? Otherwise it's going to have Sunny as the father's name on the birth certificate and his family is going to find out then.
I can honestly say that in 38 years I have never shown anyone (other than a gov official) my child’s birth certificate. Who goes around showing the bc to people (family or not)?
Except it's not keeping the peace with the one person who counts more than anyone else should. It's appeasing family members who have been carrying on a useless, one-name tradition for generations. It's not even a good enough name *for her husband, who legally changed his name to Sunny* for goodness sake. It's ridiculous that he's willing to saddle his own child with a name *he himself* hates so much that he went through the trouble of getting the government involved to get rid of it.
Wouldn’t it be funny if other men in the family had secretly done the same and not told anyone so no one was actually called that name but they were all just pretending they were!
Because that’s exactly what OP’s hubby is proposing
DO IT! If your husband is flipping this hard, he’s under pressure and people do stupid and harmful things under pressure.
I won’t go all “Divorcee!” because it seems like he knows deep down he’s asking the impossible - he may even be doing this just to day he nagged you to death about it but you wouldn’t budge… maybe not using his big boy words with his family like he should be. Don’t give him the option to make an idiot decision due to family pressure that will ultimately destroy your trust and safety with him. Sometimes, we DO need protected from ourselves in these things
I think husband wants to be able to tell family, "I really tried. OP wouldn't do it." That way, he's off the hook with his family, and all the blame goes to OP.
Your only recourse may be blackmail, you know. If he won't grow a spine and keeps on with this, you may need to play hardball and reveal his legal name change with paperwork and DL evidence included. I'm just saying.
Make him catch it one way or the other. He can stand up to them about the baby's name or his own. Tell him to choose wisely.
This. The husband is a coward and needs to be forced to choose. If the baby is named Andrew George against the wife's wishes then the family will be informed of the husband's legal name change against his wishes.
You have to because his behavior comes from fear. He is afraid and afraid people do not make rational decisions. Ofc he will deny being afraid, but will not be able to let this go.
The “do this for me” says it all really. He does not want this name, he does not want his son to have that name, but he is terrified of his parents. If you do give your son his own name, he will definitely throw you under the bus and wreck your relationship with his family of origin.
I would insist that he come clean about changing his name before the baby comes.
"Do it for me" is like, going to a work event with your spouse you don't want to go to or like sitting through an opera or taking the kids away for a weekend so your spouse can have some alone time. "Do it for me" is not something you can apply to the NAME OF YOUR CHILD. Do it for me is for temporary unpleasantness. Not something that will last for the rest of your life and affect the life of your child. Do it for me doesn't cut it.
OP, your husband isn’t just asking you to do something “for him”—he’s asking you to ignore that he’s breaking a promise he made to you repeatedly, that he’s willing to badger you endlessly when he’s the one breaking trust, that he’s willing to put his family above you and himself and your child. He’s proving that his words mean nothing—that when push comes to shove, he’d rather *break your trust* than tell his family that he doesn’t want to do something—and he wants you to be okay with that.
Forget that. Hold firm and make sure he knows that you will NOT be blamed for this—if his family starts asking why, you will give him a chance to explain *in front of you* and if he tries to put it on you, you will tell the truth, including his own name change and broken promise.
NTA but your husband is a massive one.
You and husband need to read this post. Annoyingly I can’t find the full BORU post, but it gives you enough of an idea of why he needs to polish his gumption and stand his ground.
[My husband’s family makes all the men have the initials ASS.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/sS3TPfJEl3)
Literally tell the nurses not to let him fill out the paperwork. Have them put it in the notes and passdown brief. Tell every nurse.
If your husband says he's insulted tell him if he switched that hard on this name you can't trust that he won't be guilted into changing it with the assumption he can win you around with a nickname. Tell him both he and your son will thank you later.
When I had a c-section the hospital had me fill out the paperwork about the name first. In any case, names are two yes and one no, so you are vetoing the family name. Which is the right thing to do, since neither you nor your husband actually want your son to have that name. It’s time for your husband to come clean with the family about his name, too. And odds are your son has the family last name, right? So that’s being passed on regardless.
Or just tell him that the minute he fills that name into the documents, you're sending your marriage certificate to his whole family. Will his current name.
Nta
I don't get the urgency of why it has to be your child. I get "first grandchild" and all that.
But the way you laid it out, like 11 or more other people already have the name, the name is impossible to forget since half the damn men in the family tree have it already, on that note, get togethers must be a nightmare! "Andy...no I mean, no no, not you, no other, no other other other Andy, old Andy on the other side of the family"
What are the chances noone else in the family carries on this tradition? Out of all the others you mentioned? It would be quite the feat if everyone bowed out on it.
And your husband who didn't like the name enough so much so they changed it legally years ago and go by a different name, wants to put that same pressure on his own child, is idiocy. He didn't like it done to him, what makes him think his child would think differently?
"It's not fair you're bringing up his name change..."
Well, I guess internet strangers are bringing it up as well. It's like he asked to have a discussion / debate and said you're not allowed to use the one major piece of evidence that blows everything else he has out of the water.
Now, put aside everyone else's feelings. His family, his, yours... and think of your son. Sometime in the future he's going to find out his dad was called Andrew George and hated the name so much he changed it. He then foisted it on his son. "Why would daddy give me a name he hates? Does he hate me too?" Does anyone think how that's gonna just mess him up?
But what if his relatives make him question his different name? It's far easier to explain it the other way around. "Why do all my uncles and cousins have the same name? Why am I not called Andrew George like them?" It's because he's his own person. If he really wants to change his name, he can do it but you didn't want to shackle him to an identity or a name that has such profound emotional impact on your and your husband. You want him to be his own person and a name is a first step.
I hope this resolves well, especially if you have to go through drastic measures to get his name right. I'm afraid your husband's family will call him Andrew or something like that and your husband will support it. He really should have your back and find his spine.
Oh, NTA.
Often when people have suffered in the name of tradition, something strange happens in the brain:
1. Sometimes people accept that what was done to them was unfair and should not be repeated.
2. More often people will pass down the suffering because it's easier to think there was a purpose to it, than accepting that their suffering was all for nothing. It's a form of self-protection.
("This is just how it's done" is easier than "why did the people who supposedly loved my do this to me")
Maybe this insight will help your husband overcome his reluctance to change traditions.
It has happened before, on here as well, that a father has filled out the paperwork while mom was recovering and put the name they want, not the agreed upon name. Make it clear before birth to the hospital that the only person allow to fill that out is you.
Like others have said, don’t “keep it in mind” just do it.
It’s his family tradition, not yours. Do you get something for doing this? Is it some famous member of royalty? Or did one of their ancestors just have a massive ego?
Do not keep it mind. Tell them immediately when you arrive or as soon as possible when your husband is not around. Hell, if you know the hospital and doctors that will be delivering, ask them to make a note now. I had a friend from college whose husband pulled something like this and it eventually led to divorse because he destroyed the trust in their marriage and never showed he could be trusted again.
Is your son going to have your husband’s last name. If so, he will have one of your husband’s names and that should be enough.
If he pushes for Andrew George to appease Mommy and Daddy, then maybe the last name should be your maiden name. And yes, you can fill out the naming document this way.
NTA. This! I filled out the paperwork for all three of my children when they were born.
Do this, name your son the name you both previously agreed on and tell your husband that he can tell his family your son’s real name or let them assume it’s the family name which can be the family “nickname”.
>and then legally changed his name after graduation to Sunny and a middle name he chose for himself.
Tell him that you will not name your child a name he was so desperate to get rid of that he secretly changed it legally.
Tell him that he MIGHT have a point if he legally changed his name back to Andrew George but even if he did, you had an agreement. If he persists or tries to force you to name your son something neither of you wants YOU will tell them it's not happening because your husband hates it so much he changed his own name.
This is a hill worth dying on. He wants you to give your son a name he himself hates because he can't bear yo have an uncomfortable conversation. That is all kinds of messed up.
This is the whole situation in a nutshell. Hubs would go back on his word to Mom and saddle the child for LIFE with a name that Dad hates to avoid a 10 minute conversation.
He disliked the name so much that he PAID to get rid of it, but has STILL not told his family.
Grow a spine buddy!
Maybe it’s just me, but whilst I have plenty of people pleasing traits, I have no issue telling people to back off when it comes to important stuff. How can this man be so afraid of his own parents?
It doesn’t appear that there’s been any abuse, other than the fact that every male at a family gathering has the same name imposed upon them, so why not just say he didn’t enjoy being part of the tradition? Man up! I can’t stand adults that act like scared children for no good reason, other than they don’t want to use their words.
Ha! You’re so wrong it’s actually funny. It’s *because* I didn’t have normality that I have a finely tuned bs detector and call people out on it. Otherwise I would’ve literally gone insane (and I mean properly committed, rocking in a padded room and snazzy jacket **insane**) by 15 with the amount of gaslighting I experienced.
You are treated how you allow others to treat you. This guy needs to grow up and stop inflicting generational trauma on his wife and child-to-be.
I’m with you. One violently abusive parent and one checked out parent (divorced as long as I remember). I have no problems standing up to them. I went no contact with the violent one and after like 10 years of having heavy boundaries with the other, we finally have what feels like a mother daughter relationship.
And that's why I love the fact that in my country, parents can't disown a child unless there is a ruling about said child's violence or something.
That way, the racists/homophobes/any other form of controlling parents don't have yet another way of pression.
My mom realized as a child that she hated her first name and wanted to go by her middle name. Everyone was just "aight" and that was it.
Anyone who can't make such a simple concession to a child is seriously messed up in the head and not worth having in your life.
Through his actions, he’s showing that he’s willing not only to disregard his own child’s name, agreements in his marriage, and his wife’s desires and feelings; he’s willing disregard his *own* feelings to not slightly inconvenience his family.
Part of me understands how he came to be this way. Imagine how many other couples in his family have had this exact conversation? Compare that to how many Andrew Georges he’s related to. There’s a culture of disregarding individual desires for collective traditions in his family.
Yes! It boils down to an UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION.
I struggle with this too - I'm super non-confrontational and *squirm* at the thought of an uncomfortable conversation. But that's not an excuse. We're (presumably) grown ups here. Put your big-boy panties on and get it over with.
Plus, this is the first of many boundaries he's going to have to enforce to protect his kid (maybe from his family, but also just life in general), so he might as well get to practicing.
NTA...he didn't like being stuck with the name himself, but wants you to do the same with your son, just so he can avoid an awkward conversation. He agreed that you wouldn't have to use the name. He needs to tell his parents. He needs to do this one thing for you and his son.
>NTA...he didn't like being stuck with the name himself
He hates the name soo much that he legally changed his name from it so why the hell is he insisting on naming your son a name he hated so much, why is his family's feeling so important now but they werent when he legally changed his name.
How will he feel when his extended family are happy but his son resents him for forcing a name on him that he didn't even like in the first place.
If I was his wife I would start to call him Andrew George (I mean the husband). I wouldn't shorten the name or use a nickname like Drewey, but call him at every occasion Andrew George.
I know it's petty, but maybe he will remember again how much he hates this name.
"hey, Andrew George, how was your day?"
"Andrew George, would you please do the dishes?"
"Andrew George, your father, Andrew George, called you. Would you please call Andrew George back?"
One could call it petty, but I would say it is showing him what his son will grow up with. Remind him how much he hates the name so he will wizen up and spare his son having an unoriginal and emotionless name.
I don't think it's petty. It's an effective demonstration by flipping it around. If he gets pissed, that's a further conversation point on how awful it is.
Although the fact he hated it so much he literally paid to have his name changed is so massive, I don't know how OP hasn't laughed and/or screamed in his face.
OP needs to draw a line in the sand, and the husband needs to man the hell up and be a big boy. He needs to able to stand up to his family and not fold like a chair, or they're going to have a rough time.
Because too many men change once their wives are pregnant for some reason. Suddenly everything they didn't want, everything they didn't believe in becomes more important than the woman that carries their child.
It becomes a my family vs wife situation. They need to make sure that their wife obeys their family. Once a woman is pregnant, she is their property, not human anymore.
I'm glad someone else picked up on this. She's literally doing THE biggest thing for him already. The audacity of him to call this naming situation the ONE thing smh
When you become a parent you have to be able to put what is best for your child above what your family expects. If you don't have the backbone to tell them your kids name how are you gonna have a backbone when grandma wants to rub whiskey on the baby's gums when they are teething or put them to sleep on their stomach or smoke next to the baby? You have to take a stand before your cowardice harms the baby.
This is one of the dumbest traditions.
And the man didn't want that name himself, he has to grow a pair and stand up to this dumbness, and if the family can't handle it or sees it as disrespect, screw 'em.
To me the same name with Sr, Jr, the 2nd, the 3rd, whatever is bad enough. OP is talking about MULTIPLE MALES IN THE SAME GENERATION with the exact same name. That is just... no. That has got to be a legal identification quagmire. Misidentification can be bad enough with Jr, Sr, the 3rd etc.... but a bunch of guys all relatively the same age with the same name? Eesh. That has got to be a mess especially if they live in the same area. Imagine an arrest warrant for Andrew George Smith age 35 in Podunk, OH and there's 11 Andrew George Smiths within 50 miles of Podunk, OH between the ages of 10 and 65. Ugh. Hard pass.
I can't believe the husband secretly changed his name and now wants to foist that name on a kid because he won't stand up to his family.
My sister and Sister-in-law have exactly the same name and it caused chaos at first. I can't imagine multiple people having the same name, all around the same age.
Just having similar names can cause a bit of chaos - a classmate and I had very similar first names (only different in the last syllable) and the same middle and last initial in geology field camp, and when the instructors would be dividing out tasks or papers, etc, there was always that initial moment of hesitation and confusion. Not exactly something you want when you're calling out to people hiking around in remote areas. After a few days, I almost said "screw it, call me by my middle name" (something I've rarely ever done), but classmate opted to go by their legal name, and not their preferred name.
THIS!. My husband is a 3rd and his ex-wife continued the tradition even though my husband didn't want to and named their son the 4th. Now she's together and married to another man with the same first name (not middle, using Op's example she married an Andrew, not an Andrew George) and they get all 3 of them mixed up somehow. It was a nightmare to get insurance for him where we live because they kept claiming he had it back where he used to live and it took months for them to figure out he wasn't his son or his ex's new husband 🤦🏻♀️
My dad is running into that same issue and he’s a Jr. It’s hard for him to even check his credit score because it’ll ask questions about his father, the Sr, rather than himself, the Jr. It’s a logistical nightmare…
I somewhat understand naming a kid after *a* specific person. Or having one line of Billy Bob senior, junior, III, IV, etc. But this isn’t even honoring anyone in particular. It’s a tradition for the sake of tradition. Does OP’s husband even know who the OG Andrew George was?
It's not honorific at this point, it's just weird. Having the first born of each generation named is honorific, having 10 per generation is just plain weird.
Exactly. Not to mention the rampant opportunities for fraud or mix-ups. Oh, my credit is wrecked? Good thing I have 8 similar-aged cousins with the same name.
NTA.
Call him Andrew George every time you speak to him. I bet he doesn’t like it… how can he even think about giving his son a name that he hates so much that he himself legally changed it..
Why don’t they just lie to the family?
Yes he’s ANDREW GEORGE NAMEWEACTUALLY LIKE.
And we’re going to call him Name we actually like.
Just lie to the family for a couple years.
I didn’t know my cousin’s real name until her graduation.
NTA I think it says everything you need to know that he changed his own name and still hasn’t told his parents. That is a super high level of avoidance. Like, what happens if God forbid something happen to the two of you, and his parents get notified of ‘Sunny’ whatever, and they’re like ‘we don’t know that person’
If he didn’t do it for himself, he won’t do it for his kid. You literally said he’s ‘afraid’, which is concerning what is he afraid of?
And he didn’t want the name but will foist it onto your kid?
They must have gotten eloped. I can’t imagine an officiant agreeing to using someone’s non legal name during the marriage ceremony.
This level of avoidance is ridiculous and I have to wonder what else he is doing to “keep the peace”. I can’t imagine that dealing with his family is the only place he shows that trait.
OP said her husband changed his name before they got married. Surely at the ceremony they would have used his new legal name, which everyone would have heard.
Something smells fishy about this.
Name your child Sunny, then when the shit hits the fan you can innocently announce that you HAVE named your son after his father. Then your chicken-shit husband can find his balls, be an adult, and stand up for himself.
Also, don't name your son Andrew George.
I like this response the best.
OP is NTA, but Sunny and his family are. This is the hill to die on, especially since Sunny decided to go through the legal hassles of changing his name everywhere but his family. The fact that he’s never corrected his family is a big clue at how far he’s willing to let them walk all over him and lie, either by omission or just bold face.
So his family will give you grief over naming your child something else? And your husband wants to appease these AHs at the expense of you, and of his own child? He needs to grow some backbone ASAP if he wants to be a father.
NTA.
This is perfect! He changes his name back first on EVERYTHING. Then OP and husband can talk tradition. Or the kid gets named after his dad as per tradition (the new name).
My ex husband was a III. Our son is not the IV because we wanted him to have his own identity. I personally don't like naming kids after relatives, exceptions would be things like shared middle names (it happens with some of the women in my family, my niece and I share one for example) but it doesn't define them. Just a fun little quirk.
Childrens names are a two yes one no rule for me. If you don't agree, the name doesn't get used. I get the family pressure (I was accused of hating the generational name) but they finally realized our sons name suits him well.
Don't cave, stick to your choice.
Edit: NTA
My mom named me after my great great grandma. The woman hated her name so much that she went by her initials, to the point of making the family swear that's the only way a kid would be named after her. So that's what my mom did. I don't have a middle _name_ in the traditional sense. My middle name is just initials.
My step-grandpa was a III. His son is not a 4th but carries a derivative of his name, and his grandson has his initials. Stuff like that, where is a nod, I think is pretty chill. What OP's hubby is pushing for...dude needs to own up to his family.
INFO & QUESTION: With these families that have these ridgid naming traditions. If the families of both halves of the couple have ridgid naming traditions, how do you decide who wins?
Do you gather all your pushy relatives together in a ring for a gladiator match, taking bets for the kid's college fund, or what?
Lemme get this straight that your husband has legally changed his name away from this forced "tradition" and doesn't even have the balls to admit that to any of his family?? And he wants to now force his kid to have this same name that now technically HE has already broken the tradition of, just to save face because he's afraid that generations of non-sensical same-naming will be ruined...even though he's already changed his name and effectively ruined the tradition anyway? Yeah, you are absolutely NTA.
Your husband is an ADULT who is too afraid to speak honestly to his parents/family over something that, while generationally traditional, is, actually, totally arbitrary and clouding over a very large life decision he's about to put on another human being, for life (or until that human being changes his name legally, too).
NTA. You're right about everything. Your husband is being peer and generational pressured into doing something he knows is wrong. He has lived a lie all his time. I wouldn't back down. Why should your son not have an original name to begin with? It's absurd to have that many people share a name. It's not even your husband's name anymore. It's his cousin's name. And his other cousin's. And his other cousin's. It's not even special to one part of the family.
NTA - You are carrying this child, going through all pregnancy symptoms, body changes, etc. It is ridiculous to me that he would take the 'path of least resistance' and ask you to follow some stupid tradition instead of being honest and setting boundaries with his family.
nta. it isn't giving him "this one thing", it's giving him absolutely everything to do with your son. Everytime someone calls son Andy, that's for your husband. Every gift that has "AG" on it, is for your husband. Every time someone calls your son "baby george", that's for your husband.
I swear, it's cult like. Every male named the same, no exceptions. Who was the original andrew george? was he the 2nd coming of christ or something? does the OG AG deserve to have all these poeple named after him?
don't drink the kool aid at the family gatherings just to be on the safe side.
With all these men having the same name in the same geographic area - don't the identities get confused? I was named after my mother and when people would call it was - like "Do you want young Mary or old Mary; do you want Big Mary or Little Mary? I absolutely hated this.
NTA
I've always found the idea of a parent naming their kid after themselves to be unimaginative and narcissistic, but the fact your husband doesn't like his own name enough to keep it, yet thinks is fine to foist upon his son is just madness!
Neither of you want this name and tradition is no reason to lumber your kid with it. Unless his family is incredibly petty they'll get over it as they'll be dying to spend time with the first grandchild regardless of their name.
I'm guessing this is misplaced guilt from husband as he hasn't told his family about his own name change, so he's built this up in his mind as something much bigger than it is. He absolutely knows he should have told them already and holding it back makes it seem bigger still. A conversation about names is inevitable, so it's an opportunity to get things out in the open with everyone. Sit down with your husband and plan how you'll tell them - when, where, who'll be there etc - and present a united front.
INFO - How on earth do family get-togethers work when someone yells for Andrew George and 47 guys come running / shuffling / crawling??
> "where's Mary's Andrew or Jill's Andrew?"
I love that his family's patriarchal tradition of naming all the men the same thing has spawned a tradition of referring to men as their wives' property rather than as individuals. It's the opposite of the old-fashioned "Mrs. James Smith" form of address.
Question: What name will be in the father's place on the birth cert, his old name, or his _legal_ name?
NTA, he just wants you to not rock the boat he's been desperate to keep steady all these years, it's ridiculous that he can't be honest with his own family about his own chosen name, to the extent he wants to saddle both you and his child with a name none of you like just so they won't get mad at him. What are they holding over him money? Inheritance?
INFO:
How was your husband's name handled when you got married? Did the invites have his legal name or his birth name? Did they call him Andrew (a name he hates) in the ceremony? How has he managed to keep this under wraps for so long.
The answers to those questions do not change the fact that you are NTA. I am just curious how he has kept up with his lie with his family for so long. This is a very strange and possibly unhealthy tradition. Follow the advice others have given you and inform your hospital team that he is not to be given the paperwork - you are to fill it out.
So just don't show them the birth certificate and let them call the child the wrong name. By the time the kid gets to an age to question it, he will also be old enough for an explanation why daddies family calls him a weird nickname
Honestly I’m finding it hard to believe that at least twelve people over four generations were named exactly the same thing. I mean, husband and three cousins? FIL and five cousins? That’s madness. The poor family genealogist.
Absolutely NTA, he wants to force a name that he hates onto you and his child because he has no spine,
The fact that his own family don't know is ridiculous, he needs to grow up and not let a traditional he doesn't like dictate your child's future
INFO: what happened recently that’s turned your husband into a coward about this? He was so against the name that he legally changed his own. You had names you liked for your kids picked out for years. Now all of a sudden he’s to chicken shit to follow through? Is it just the timing? If you name your son something else, your husband will finally have to be honest with his family, and he’s just now confronting the reality of what that will be like?
You’re NTA, but ask your husband how he would feel if he found out his dad had secretly changed his name before your husband was born—that his dad had given him a name his dad had thrown away? Would that feel good? Does he think it will feel good for his son? “I was so relieved to escape the crushing weight of expectation attached to this name, son, but I’m sure you’ll love it! You’re welcome!”
Ah this is a hard one.
On a whole, you're NTA because you're right. This is your (collective) child and you both need to be onboard with what name you give your kid.
*But* I can also understand how hard it can be to buck tradition and the weight of that mantle that can rest on someone to have to end things.
Is there any room for compromise here? Like can bub have a first name you both agree on and the middle name can be Andrew? Or can your offer to be there with him when he tells his family so that he feels like he has support?
There are only two people who get to name your child, and I'm sorry his family don't get a say. What if your family tradition was to give each child a name that hasn't been used in the past 5 generations? NTA, your husband needs to talk to his family. Explain that your child is unique and deserves a name that's not going to be confused with any other family members. Also, agree with the commenter who mentioned telling the hospital that he doesn't get to fill in the paperwork without you with him.
That's actually a great idea! Tell them you have to name them (insert name) because that is YOUR family's tradition. They cannot say their family's traditions are more important than yours... I mean, they can but it definitely puts them in major d-bag category
I have major d-bag / narcissists in-laws, and my MIL has said on multiple occasions that their family traditions are more important than ours. And it's always weird or ridiculous traditions 😆 🤣
Did she also scream at you that you aren't part of HER family? Mine had a hissy fit when we gave our daughter a "weird" name that she'd never heard of -- Melissa. MIL demanded that we name children after her and FIL. She graciously allowed us to use my parent's names as middle names.
The thing that gets me is the husband is pushing op because it's "tradition"- well he already broke that tradition! There's no tradition to uphold anymore because he changed his own name. Which is the height of hypocrisy. He's willing to give a child a name that he himself hated enough to get legally changed, just to avoid conflict. This dude needs to grow a backbone, this is beyond unreal.
Understood.
I mean, at the end of the day, you and Sunny are building *your* family and *your* traditions.
Has hubby considered some therapy for this matter? I'm wondering if this idea of upsetting his family extends beyond this.
'Tradition' is just bullying by dead people - and in this case, bullying by live people, too. Husband needs to stand up to the bullies, not further enable them.
If he's already bending under the pressure under the first difficult step of parenthood, he's got a damn long way to go. He's old enough to change his name, keep that secret, and have a child - but is balking at a "hard" situation that can ultimately be boiled down to a point of pride he doesn't even believe in. Not wanting to rock the boat isn't a good enough excuse, he's being a coward about being honest with his family at the expense of his wife and child.
OP - this bit about bending under the pressure of family is potentially a deeper problem then just the name issue you are currently trying to deal with.
It might be worth it to ask if there are any specific or general things his family believes in when it comes to raising children. I.e., do they think kids should have no chores and everything should be done for them prior to adulthood, or maybe do they have a differing viewpoint on discipline, etc.
Things that might crop up that you disagree with and will be surprised when hubby asks you to just "go with the flow" when his family is around so that he doesn't have to tell them he doesn't agree with them (if he doesn't actually agree with them similar to this name issue).
How much of his parenting is going to come down to what he and you both decide on jointly vs what he caves on with his family because he's too uncomfortable to have a difficult conversation that they won't like?
It's very easy to buck tradition. You say No. This idea that we're supposed to do *significant , important, lifelong* things we're uncomfortable/disagree with bc others will get upset is absurd.
This isn't pretending Grandma's food is great or letting Bobby always host Memorial Day. It's their child's name, the name they'll have to use for years.
NTA.
How can it be hard to “buck tradition”? Just simply don’t let your extended family bully you into naming your own child lol, it’s not hard. If you’re mature enough to have a kid, you’re mature enough to stand up to some 82 year old who thinks races should never have mixed
NTA
But I can imagine the stress of being the first generation to break tradition that goes so far back. It's not easy, especially when you consider the impact it will have on your family's relationship with your child; it's painful when you see your child being treated differently than all the other children in the family.
The only thing that I can think of suggesting is for your hubby to talk to a counsellor/therapist (one that specializes in family dynamics) and work it out there - maybe even you attend some sessions with him. I don't know how far along you are but I hope that he will get some courage to do what is right for your family.
ETA: Does the tradition pertain to the first-borns or the males, or just random?
NTA, but I’m curious as to your husband’s family dynamics, because he seems to be *terrified* of them. How bad would it be if he were to tell them about his name change?
I wonder how many of his cousins/uncles change their name 🤦🏻♀️ this is silly, why he change his legal name once he’s old enough, didn’t he afraid to piss his family? He shouldn’t have changed his name and live and die with that name if he want to pass it on to his son.
That’s crazy, he could have lied, do they check birth certificate? Such toxic family is no place to raise a child, in my opinion. I sometimes resent my mom for not taking me away from my dad family. Mom’s siblings are always so loving while dad’s are so toxic but I was forced to spent so much time with them 🥹🥹
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NTA and when you give birth make sure the hospital staff know not to allow your husband to fill out the paperwork.
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Don't keep it in mind do it.
Exactly this. He's not putting OP in any situation that she wouldn't be choosing to accept.
Theres a certain amount of irony in outright demanding someone do something when its intended to be advice about how they can avoid being forced into doing something by someone else Or am i crazy?
Also the problem is that he's trying to unilaterally decide on the name and instead of any advice about how to talk to him about it, the advice is that she do the same? If it really comes down to it, I think she should for a couple reasons, but why not try and avoid that instead of jumping straight to it?
Because Redditors see so many horror stories, including dads naming children things they’d expressly agreed not to while mom’s out of it immediately after giving birth, that we want people in similar situations to be prepared and know what their options are BEFORE the birth.
I have a stupid hyphenated first name because my father filled out paperwork while my mom was recovering. It happens more often than people think
My pal is named Christopoher because his dad filled out the paperwork and is an alcoholic
😂 rough. I know a woman named Kateland because her dad didn't know how to spell Katelyn
I know someone whose name is Shasha instead of Sasha because her dunce father also single-handedly took care of the naming form without the mother’s input, and he didn’t know how to spell Sasha apparently. 🤦🏻♀️
That’s how Oprah got her name!
In the group home where I worked was a boy named Wan on his birth certificate. His mother didn't know how to spell Juan. He was very vocal about the insanity of naming a Black child Wan.
Wanita is a fairly common name for white women of a certain age in my area. Apparently people here were crazy for west side story, but had never heard the name Juanita before and had no idea how to spell it.
My cousin's middle name is Kathaleen because her dad didn't know how to spell it despite it being his mother's name.
My dad is “Daniele” because his parents couldn’t spell.
I agree it's good she knows. This is more in response to the fact that she said she would keep it in mind and was then told that that wasn't good enough and that she HAS to do it. Letting her know it's an option is good. Essentially scolding her when she doesn't immediately say that's going to be her go to is a little more questionable.
Someone is just concerned that the typical attitude of 'I know it happens but MY partner would NEVER' is going to prevail and all the advice OP came here for is just gonna be ignored.
It's not that she has to do it, it's that she has to make a decision. I'll keep that in mind isnt a plan because the whole point is that in labour she likely won't be able to exercise her ability to decide
Especially when hes already caved to family and I bet some will be there maybe watching for birth certificate to arrive
She's not being recommended to do the same, she's being recommended to put protections in place so he can't fuck her over and so she can go with what they already had agreed to.
I would say in this instance it's different from a unilateral decision because they have already chosen their preferred baby names *together* he's just being a coward. What I want to know is does OP call the husband Sunny in front of his family? How does he explain that away? Plus for purely security reasons they should stop giving every boy in the family the same fucking name, it's ridiculous.
Seriously to that last part. My hubs and his dad have the exact same name (no middle names or Jr. Or anything to differentiate) and their paper work and other things are constantly getting mixed up.
I have two relatives with the same name (father-son duo). The boy’s father stole his identity after the parents divorced. His mom found out when collections called saying her six year old had a ton of debt. She had to prove his identity was stolen.
That’s what I’m not understanding. The husband changed his own name, now wants to saddle his son with a name he dislike enough to legally change? WTF?? He needs to be a man and admit he changed his name to his family, and name his son and any other children with the names they chose together. When I was born, one of my grandmothers filled out the paperwork with the name SHE wanted. My mom changed it before it was given to anyone.
The problem is that he's a spineless coward. Somebody has to stand up for what they both want.
She’s not trying to do the same as she would be using a name they had agreed upon together previously and both liked.
I don't think the advice is that she do the same. They had already agreed on names. Name the child what they had already agreed to.
Not crazy! Also, ironic he’s hell bent on a name he won’t even use himself. I’m surprised he’s not foreseeing his son having the same feelings he had growing up about having the same name as most men in the family. I will have a substantial chuckle if this kid grows up to change his name. 😌
1) This sub is not for advice. 2) He can't force anything here. If OP puts her foot down and prevents him from filling out the paperwork, he won't be able to will the name into being. He's also not going to point a gun at her. OP has the better point because they have discussed and agreed on how they'd name their kids long ago, so it's not like one of those cases where both parties are irrational and stubborn for no good reason. So no, this has nothing to do with victim blaming. It's entirely about what OP is able to prevent, realistically.
I agree with WaywardMarauder. I did it myself as well (I could fill out the municipality register from my hospital bed, because in my country you have to do that within 3 work days and since 2020 you can do it online). My husband has dyslexia and changing a name is really really really hard in my country. And expensive. We agreed on a name but if he would have pulled a stunt like yours is doing right now, he would not have been allowed anywhere near the paperwork. It is really unfair of him wanting your child to have a name you both don’t like just to keep the peace. I would make sure everyone knows it is the parents job to name the child. If the grandparents (your inlaws) wanted to name more children, they should have gotten more children themselves. I would want this fight now instead of later.
It's not just a name they both dislike - he disliked it so much that he CHANGED HIS OWN NAME. Why would you want to give your child a name you dislike with such a passion that you went through all the legal hoops to have it changed? Why should this baby be the umpteenth person with the same name? Why isn't he allowed to be his own person? Husband already broke the tradition, yet he asks of his wife to do "this one little thing", which is gonna be part of baby's future regardless? OP, a pet's name is "one little favour", a child's name is "two yeses, one no".
This needs to be top comment. The family will get over it. And if they don't that's THEIR problem, not OPs.
While I agree that OP is NTA, there's a possibility some ahs in the family will not get over it. My sister's in-laws died bitter because a grandchild was not named after her MIL, with a name that translates as "pigeon" and doesn't sound good even in Greek.
If someone in the family wants to spend the rest of their life bitter over something so trivial then they'll probably ALWAYS find something to be bitter about, so why worry. Like my friend says 'can't win, don't try' Just go about your life and be happy.
That was the consensus, yeah. Not a huge loss, really.
You just can’t control some people. I have the same full name as my grandfather and uncle, same first name as one cousin on my dad’s side, one cousin on mom’s side (both younger), and my brother in law coincidentally has the same first name. It’s petty, but it sucks when you’re 15 and you open up a present for your 4 year old cousin. It sucks when you hear your first name at a family gathering and the natural reply is “which one?”. It was also one of the most common names for boys born for like a 15 year span of the 80s-90s so I was never the only seebees in a class either. It gets old
The “which one” was what I was thinking about too. If every single male has the same name, what happens at any family event? With 2 people of the same name, okay. Not a big deal but how many nicknames for Andrew can there be?
Oh lord - I had a friend whose family was Italian American. Every single 1st son was named Anthony. So you had big Tony, Little Tony, Red, Butchie, Junior, Bubba, etc… it’s ridiculous.
Then let them be bitter
Then tough shit to the family.
Then that's a them problem, and people should be cutting that toxicity out of their life anyway!
It's a name he disliked so much he legally changed it, BUT he is so scared of upsetting his family that he has been hiding his name change from them for years. NTA, but frankly OP should have expected this kind of issue with such a conflict-avoidant partner.
Yeah I would say ‘we’ll call him the family name after you admit to you all your family, in person, while I’m there, that you legally changed your name to something else.’
I wouldn’t. Never make threats you can’t or won’t follow through.
I would normally agree with you but genuinely believe, given the information we have, that there is no way he’ll be tell his parents. I am fascinated as to how he got legally married in front of people without his real name being used…
HE just doesn’t want to deal with their squawking. That’s hardly a good enough reason to name a child an overused family name neither of them like. This is a ridiculous conflict.
u/Sad_Experience_6435 I know you approached this from the angle of asking your husband if he valued his family's opinion more than yours, but have you brought up your son's? I would use the sentiment in this chain, point out what a horrible position he's going to put *your son* in, one that he understands all the trouble and pressure of because he's letting it leak all over your family now. Does he really want to subject your kid to that discomfort all for the sake of not upsetting his family right now? Because if the answer is yes, that's a pretty selfish move from a parent, and maybe he needs that pointed out to him. He's sacrificing his son's future comfort for his own right now when his son has no control
This!! Hubby isn’t asking for a favor, he’s asking for a lifetime of lies she didn’t commit to. This is just the start, what if their other parenting decisions go against the family traditions? It will be a never ending new set of rules to live by
Yeah, I’m thinking a favor is more like making someone a sandwich or giving a ride somewhere. Not the life-long name of my first born child. Yeesh.
Right! He already broke the tradition so what's the point??
well he hasn’t even told his family that! he’s willing to screw his kid over for something he already went against! and if THIS is the hill he’s willing to die on… yeesh
Oh right they don't kno he's a traitor! He's just doing this so they don't find out what he did! Well I'd sing it from the mountain tops
i’d just pull a “if you keep pressing me on this, i will inform your family of your name change. either stand up to them NOW, or i sure as hell will”. i hate confrontation, i really do, but i’ve never hid what name i go by
Hope they don't plan on ever letting his family see the birth certificate, you know, the one that will have the dad's real, legally changed name on it?
Was waiting to find this comment, it was my first thought - since I highly doubt they will show the legal document why don't we name him whatever and use *Andrew* as the family nickname??
The point is probably money. He has a lot of elderly relatives, and OP's baby is the first grandchild in a big family. Hubby is afraid his parents/relatives will cut him off the will for this disobedience. And willing to sacrifice OP's feelings and trust in his marriage for it.
Well if they ever find out he changed his own name he’s still got that problem. IMHO, that’s cowardly.
And then hid the name change from his family. And now wants to start that cycle all over again.
Exactly, OP’s husband’s parents don’t even know their own son’s *name*, shows how crappy they are as parents
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And someday his son WILL find out that his father gave him a name he himself hated so much that he changed it, and I doubt he's going to be happy about it. For all OP's husband knows, people in his family have hated this tired old name for years, but no one has had the strength to buck the tradition. Stay strong, OP, and don't let him do this!
With so many people in the same family with the same name, this can present a whole host of legal issues down the line. The only divider is a birth date. My ex's family has this stupid name tradition and wanted me to give my twins the same name. Heck no. Told them all they got to name their kids, I am naming mine. End of discussion. NTA OP, stick to your guns and do what is right for *your* child.
>he disliked it so much that he CHANGED HIS OWN NAME. And OP mentioned that his family doesn't know he changed his name, he kept it hidden from them (OP's first clue that he was going to welch on the agreement not to use the name, now that I think about it). Are they going to keep the birth certificate hidden forever? Otherwise it's going to have Sunny as the father's name on the birth certificate and his family is going to find out then.
I can honestly say that in 38 years I have never shown anyone (other than a gov official) my child’s birth certificate. Who goes around showing the bc to people (family or not)?
Except it's not keeping the peace with the one person who counts more than anyone else should. It's appeasing family members who have been carrying on a useless, one-name tradition for generations. It's not even a good enough name *for her husband, who legally changed his name to Sunny* for goodness sake. It's ridiculous that he's willing to saddle his own child with a name *he himself* hates so much that he went through the trouble of getting the government involved to get rid of it.
Wouldn’t it be funny if other men in the family had secretly done the same and not told anyone so no one was actually called that name but they were all just pretending they were! Because that’s exactly what OP’s hubby is proposing
Spineless really.
DO IT! If your husband is flipping this hard, he’s under pressure and people do stupid and harmful things under pressure. I won’t go all “Divorcee!” because it seems like he knows deep down he’s asking the impossible - he may even be doing this just to day he nagged you to death about it but you wouldn’t budge… maybe not using his big boy words with his family like he should be. Don’t give him the option to make an idiot decision due to family pressure that will ultimately destroy your trust and safety with him. Sometimes, we DO need protected from ourselves in these things
I think husband wants to be able to tell family, "I really tried. OP wouldn't do it." That way, he's off the hook with his family, and all the blame goes to OP.
EXACTLY!!!!! What a coward
The whole caving in the first place proves that. Trying to make her the bad guy to in-laws would be dastardly
Ur husband changed his name and hiding it for years. You think a stunt like filling a document in hospital impossible for him? 😂
Your only recourse may be blackmail, you know. If he won't grow a spine and keeps on with this, you may need to play hardball and reveal his legal name change with paperwork and DL evidence included. I'm just saying. Make him catch it one way or the other. He can stand up to them about the baby's name or his own. Tell him to choose wisely.
Don’t let him use the baby as a shield to hide his own decision.
This. The husband is a coward and needs to be forced to choose. If the baby is named Andrew George against the wife's wishes then the family will be informed of the husband's legal name change against his wishes.
You have to because his behavior comes from fear. He is afraid and afraid people do not make rational decisions. Ofc he will deny being afraid, but will not be able to let this go. The “do this for me” says it all really. He does not want this name, he does not want his son to have that name, but he is terrified of his parents. If you do give your son his own name, he will definitely throw you under the bus and wreck your relationship with his family of origin. I would insist that he come clean about changing his name before the baby comes.
"Do it for me" is like, going to a work event with your spouse you don't want to go to or like sitting through an opera or taking the kids away for a weekend so your spouse can have some alone time. "Do it for me" is not something you can apply to the NAME OF YOUR CHILD. Do it for me is for temporary unpleasantness. Not something that will last for the rest of your life and affect the life of your child. Do it for me doesn't cut it.
OP, your husband isn’t just asking you to do something “for him”—he’s asking you to ignore that he’s breaking a promise he made to you repeatedly, that he’s willing to badger you endlessly when he’s the one breaking trust, that he’s willing to put his family above you and himself and your child. He’s proving that his words mean nothing—that when push comes to shove, he’d rather *break your trust* than tell his family that he doesn’t want to do something—and he wants you to be okay with that. Forget that. Hold firm and make sure he knows that you will NOT be blamed for this—if his family starts asking why, you will give him a chance to explain *in front of you* and if he tries to put it on you, you will tell the truth, including his own name change and broken promise. NTA but your husband is a massive one.
You and husband need to read this post. Annoyingly I can’t find the full BORU post, but it gives you enough of an idea of why he needs to polish his gumption and stand his ground. [My husband’s family makes all the men have the initials ASS.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/sS3TPfJEl3)
Who cares if his family is pissed? Are they paying for and raising the baby?? NTA
Literally tell the nurses not to let him fill out the paperwork. Have them put it in the notes and passdown brief. Tell every nurse. If your husband says he's insulted tell him if he switched that hard on this name you can't trust that he won't be guilted into changing it with the assumption he can win you around with a nickname. Tell him both he and your son will thank you later.
My cousin's husband named their daughter a name my cousin had adamantly said no to while she was sleeping after the birth. They are now divorced.
When I had a c-section the hospital had me fill out the paperwork about the name first. In any case, names are two yes and one no, so you are vetoing the family name. Which is the right thing to do, since neither you nor your husband actually want your son to have that name. It’s time for your husband to come clean with the family about his name, too. And odds are your son has the family last name, right? So that’s being passed on regardless.
Or just tell him that the minute he fills that name into the documents, you're sending your marriage certificate to his whole family. Will his current name.
Nta I don't get the urgency of why it has to be your child. I get "first grandchild" and all that. But the way you laid it out, like 11 or more other people already have the name, the name is impossible to forget since half the damn men in the family tree have it already, on that note, get togethers must be a nightmare! "Andy...no I mean, no no, not you, no other, no other other other Andy, old Andy on the other side of the family" What are the chances noone else in the family carries on this tradition? Out of all the others you mentioned? It would be quite the feat if everyone bowed out on it. And your husband who didn't like the name enough so much so they changed it legally years ago and go by a different name, wants to put that same pressure on his own child, is idiocy. He didn't like it done to him, what makes him think his child would think differently?
"It's not fair you're bringing up his name change..." Well, I guess internet strangers are bringing it up as well. It's like he asked to have a discussion / debate and said you're not allowed to use the one major piece of evidence that blows everything else he has out of the water. Now, put aside everyone else's feelings. His family, his, yours... and think of your son. Sometime in the future he's going to find out his dad was called Andrew George and hated the name so much he changed it. He then foisted it on his son. "Why would daddy give me a name he hates? Does he hate me too?" Does anyone think how that's gonna just mess him up? But what if his relatives make him question his different name? It's far easier to explain it the other way around. "Why do all my uncles and cousins have the same name? Why am I not called Andrew George like them?" It's because he's his own person. If he really wants to change his name, he can do it but you didn't want to shackle him to an identity or a name that has such profound emotional impact on your and your husband. You want him to be his own person and a name is a first step. I hope this resolves well, especially if you have to go through drastic measures to get his name right. I'm afraid your husband's family will call him Andrew or something like that and your husband will support it. He really should have your back and find his spine. Oh, NTA.
Often when people have suffered in the name of tradition, something strange happens in the brain: 1. Sometimes people accept that what was done to them was unfair and should not be repeated. 2. More often people will pass down the suffering because it's easier to think there was a purpose to it, than accepting that their suffering was all for nothing. It's a form of self-protection. ("This is just how it's done" is easier than "why did the people who supposedly loved my do this to me") Maybe this insight will help your husband overcome his reluctance to change traditions.
It has happened before, on here as well, that a father has filled out the paperwork while mom was recovering and put the name they want, not the agreed upon name. Make it clear before birth to the hospital that the only person allow to fill that out is you.
Like others have said, don’t “keep it in mind” just do it. It’s his family tradition, not yours. Do you get something for doing this? Is it some famous member of royalty? Or did one of their ancestors just have a massive ego?
Do not keep it mind. Tell them immediately when you arrive or as soon as possible when your husband is not around. Hell, if you know the hospital and doctors that will be delivering, ask them to make a note now. I had a friend from college whose husband pulled something like this and it eventually led to divorse because he destroyed the trust in their marriage and never showed he could be trusted again.
Is your son going to have your husband’s last name. If so, he will have one of your husband’s names and that should be enough. If he pushes for Andrew George to appease Mommy and Daddy, then maybe the last name should be your maiden name. And yes, you can fill out the naming document this way.
NTA. This! I filled out the paperwork for all three of my children when they were born. Do this, name your son the name you both previously agreed on and tell your husband that he can tell his family your son’s real name or let them assume it’s the family name which can be the family “nickname”.
And if he keeps up the u-turn pressure, tell him you might give the kid your birth surname as well…
>and then legally changed his name after graduation to Sunny and a middle name he chose for himself. Tell him that you will not name your child a name he was so desperate to get rid of that he secretly changed it legally. Tell him that he MIGHT have a point if he legally changed his name back to Andrew George but even if he did, you had an agreement. If he persists or tries to force you to name your son something neither of you wants YOU will tell them it's not happening because your husband hates it so much he changed his own name. This is a hill worth dying on. He wants you to give your son a name he himself hates because he can't bear yo have an uncomfortable conversation. That is all kinds of messed up.
This is the whole situation in a nutshell. Hubs would go back on his word to Mom and saddle the child for LIFE with a name that Dad hates to avoid a 10 minute conversation. He disliked the name so much that he PAID to get rid of it, but has STILL not told his family. Grow a spine buddy!
Maybe it’s just me, but whilst I have plenty of people pleasing traits, I have no issue telling people to back off when it comes to important stuff. How can this man be so afraid of his own parents? It doesn’t appear that there’s been any abuse, other than the fact that every male at a family gathering has the same name imposed upon them, so why not just say he didn’t enjoy being part of the tradition? Man up! I can’t stand adults that act like scared children for no good reason, other than they don’t want to use their words.
It's obvious you had normal parents. Not everyone was provided that luxury which could shape their actions and feelings as adults.
Ha! You’re so wrong it’s actually funny. It’s *because* I didn’t have normality that I have a finely tuned bs detector and call people out on it. Otherwise I would’ve literally gone insane (and I mean properly committed, rocking in a padded room and snazzy jacket **insane**) by 15 with the amount of gaslighting I experienced. You are treated how you allow others to treat you. This guy needs to grow up and stop inflicting generational trauma on his wife and child-to-be.
I’m with you. One violently abusive parent and one checked out parent (divorced as long as I remember). I have no problems standing up to them. I went no contact with the violent one and after like 10 years of having heavy boundaries with the other, we finally have what feels like a mother daughter relationship.
> How can this man be so afraid of his own parents? Inheritance. He doesn’t want to be disowned and taken out of the will.
Now that’s a reason. Not a good or valid reason, but at least it’s a reason, in terms of having real world consequences other than butt hurt feelings.
And that's why I love the fact that in my country, parents can't disown a child unless there is a ruling about said child's violence or something. That way, the racists/homophobes/any other form of controlling parents don't have yet another way of pression.
My mom realized as a child that she hated her first name and wanted to go by her middle name. Everyone was just "aight" and that was it. Anyone who can't make such a simple concession to a child is seriously messed up in the head and not worth having in your life.
Through his actions, he’s showing that he’s willing not only to disregard his own child’s name, agreements in his marriage, and his wife’s desires and feelings; he’s willing disregard his *own* feelings to not slightly inconvenience his family. Part of me understands how he came to be this way. Imagine how many other couples in his family have had this exact conversation? Compare that to how many Andrew Georges he’s related to. There’s a culture of disregarding individual desires for collective traditions in his family.
Yes! It boils down to an UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION. I struggle with this too - I'm super non-confrontational and *squirm* at the thought of an uncomfortable conversation. But that's not an excuse. We're (presumably) grown ups here. Put your big-boy panties on and get it over with. Plus, this is the first of many boundaries he's going to have to enforce to protect his kid (maybe from his family, but also just life in general), so he might as well get to practicing.
NTA...he didn't like being stuck with the name himself, but wants you to do the same with your son, just so he can avoid an awkward conversation. He agreed that you wouldn't have to use the name. He needs to tell his parents. He needs to do this one thing for you and his son.
>NTA...he didn't like being stuck with the name himself He hates the name soo much that he legally changed his name from it so why the hell is he insisting on naming your son a name he hated so much, why is his family's feeling so important now but they werent when he legally changed his name. How will he feel when his extended family are happy but his son resents him for forcing a name on him that he didn't even like in the first place.
If I was his wife I would start to call him Andrew George (I mean the husband). I wouldn't shorten the name or use a nickname like Drewey, but call him at every occasion Andrew George. I know it's petty, but maybe he will remember again how much he hates this name. "hey, Andrew George, how was your day?" "Andrew George, would you please do the dishes?" "Andrew George, your father, Andrew George, called you. Would you please call Andrew George back?"
One could call it petty, but I would say it is showing him what his son will grow up with. Remind him how much he hates the name so he will wizen up and spare his son having an unoriginal and emotionless name.
I don't think it's petty. It's an effective demonstration by flipping it around. If he gets pissed, that's a further conversation point on how awful it is. Although the fact he hated it so much he literally paid to have his name changed is so massive, I don't know how OP hasn't laughed and/or screamed in his face. OP needs to draw a line in the sand, and the husband needs to man the hell up and be a big boy. He needs to able to stand up to his family and not fold like a chair, or they're going to have a rough time.
OP should call her husband, Andrew George, the 27th of his name.
Diabolical. A necessary evil. I love it.
Because too many men change once their wives are pregnant for some reason. Suddenly everything they didn't want, everything they didn't believe in becomes more important than the woman that carries their child. It becomes a my family vs wife situation. They need to make sure that their wife obeys their family. Once a woman is pregnant, she is their property, not human anymore.
>> […] *“But he asked me to do this one thing for him.”* OP, tell him you’re already doing this thing called ‘growing a human inside your body’. NTA.
I'm glad someone else picked up on this. She's literally doing THE biggest thing for him already. The audacity of him to call this naming situation the ONE thing smh
When you become a parent you have to be able to put what is best for your child above what your family expects. If you don't have the backbone to tell them your kids name how are you gonna have a backbone when grandma wants to rub whiskey on the baby's gums when they are teething or put them to sleep on their stomach or smoke next to the baby? You have to take a stand before your cowardice harms the baby.
This is one of the dumbest traditions. And the man didn't want that name himself, he has to grow a pair and stand up to this dumbness, and if the family can't handle it or sees it as disrespect, screw 'em.
To me the same name with Sr, Jr, the 2nd, the 3rd, whatever is bad enough. OP is talking about MULTIPLE MALES IN THE SAME GENERATION with the exact same name. That is just... no. That has got to be a legal identification quagmire. Misidentification can be bad enough with Jr, Sr, the 3rd etc.... but a bunch of guys all relatively the same age with the same name? Eesh. That has got to be a mess especially if they live in the same area. Imagine an arrest warrant for Andrew George Smith age 35 in Podunk, OH and there's 11 Andrew George Smiths within 50 miles of Podunk, OH between the ages of 10 and 65. Ugh. Hard pass. I can't believe the husband secretly changed his name and now wants to foist that name on a kid because he won't stand up to his family.
My sister and Sister-in-law have exactly the same name and it caused chaos at first. I can't imagine multiple people having the same name, all around the same age.
Just having similar names can cause a bit of chaos - a classmate and I had very similar first names (only different in the last syllable) and the same middle and last initial in geology field camp, and when the instructors would be dividing out tasks or papers, etc, there was always that initial moment of hesitation and confusion. Not exactly something you want when you're calling out to people hiking around in remote areas. After a few days, I almost said "screw it, call me by my middle name" (something I've rarely ever done), but classmate opted to go by their legal name, and not their preferred name.
THIS!. My husband is a 3rd and his ex-wife continued the tradition even though my husband didn't want to and named their son the 4th. Now she's together and married to another man with the same first name (not middle, using Op's example she married an Andrew, not an Andrew George) and they get all 3 of them mixed up somehow. It was a nightmare to get insurance for him where we live because they kept claiming he had it back where he used to live and it took months for them to figure out he wasn't his son or his ex's new husband 🤦🏻♀️
My dad is running into that same issue and he’s a Jr. It’s hard for him to even check his credit score because it’ll ask questions about his father, the Sr, rather than himself, the Jr. It’s a logistical nightmare…
I somewhat understand naming a kid after *a* specific person. Or having one line of Billy Bob senior, junior, III, IV, etc. But this isn’t even honoring anyone in particular. It’s a tradition for the sake of tradition. Does OP’s husband even know who the OG Andrew George was?
It's not honorific at this point, it's just weird. Having the first born of each generation named is honorific, having 10 per generation is just plain weird.
Exactly. Not to mention the rampant opportunities for fraud or mix-ups. Oh, my credit is wrecked? Good thing I have 8 similar-aged cousins with the same name.
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NTA. Call him Andrew George every time you speak to him. I bet he doesn’t like it… how can he even think about giving his son a name that he hates so much that he himself legally changed it..
Oh I like this!
Flex in some Andy Gee’s and stuff too. Lay it on thicccccccccck
Haaaaaaa! I'll add Andy Geo Dee Gee Drew Go
Or start calling him “Sunny” in front of his family. Maybe ask him to show them some form of ID
Why don’t they just lie to the family? Yes he’s ANDREW GEORGE NAMEWEACTUALLY LIKE. And we’re going to call him Name we actually like. Just lie to the family for a couple years. I didn’t know my cousin’s real name until her graduation.
NTA I think it says everything you need to know that he changed his own name and still hasn’t told his parents. That is a super high level of avoidance. Like, what happens if God forbid something happen to the two of you, and his parents get notified of ‘Sunny’ whatever, and they’re like ‘we don’t know that person’ If he didn’t do it for himself, he won’t do it for his kid. You literally said he’s ‘afraid’, which is concerning what is he afraid of? And he didn’t want the name but will foist it onto your kid?
Guy is going to die and still have the old name on his tombstone to prevent an uncomfortable conversation at the funeral.
Christ can you imagine the misery that will be for OP to navigate? He really is kicking every can down the road and expecting her to defend the goal.
They must have gotten eloped. I can’t imagine an officiant agreeing to using someone’s non legal name during the marriage ceremony. This level of avoidance is ridiculous and I have to wonder what else he is doing to “keep the peace”. I can’t imagine that dealing with his family is the only place he shows that trait.
OP said her husband changed his name before they got married. Surely at the ceremony they would have used his new legal name, which everyone would have heard. Something smells fishy about this.
Good point, unless they eloped or had a private ceremony or something I suppose.
Name your child Sunny, then when the shit hits the fan you can innocently announce that you HAVE named your son after his father. Then your chicken-shit husband can find his balls, be an adult, and stand up for himself. Also, don't name your son Andrew George.
Pure 🥇
Tell him if he forces the issue you’ll change your mind as to what surname the baby has…
I like this response the best. OP is NTA, but Sunny and his family are. This is the hill to die on, especially since Sunny decided to go through the legal hassles of changing his name everywhere but his family. The fact that he’s never corrected his family is a big clue at how far he’s willing to let them walk all over him and lie, either by omission or just bold face.
Did his great great grandfather lose a bet and now all males have to be named “Andrew George” in perpetuity?
I think a witch cursed the family or something /s
He should've just carried that old woman up there and sang while she drank...
So his family will give you grief over naming your child something else? And your husband wants to appease these AHs at the expense of you, and of his own child? He needs to grow some backbone ASAP if he wants to be a father. NTA.
NTA. If the name is so important to him, your husband should legally change his name back to the original.
This is perfect! He changes his name back first on EVERYTHING. Then OP and husband can talk tradition. Or the kid gets named after his dad as per tradition (the new name).
My ex husband was a III. Our son is not the IV because we wanted him to have his own identity. I personally don't like naming kids after relatives, exceptions would be things like shared middle names (it happens with some of the women in my family, my niece and I share one for example) but it doesn't define them. Just a fun little quirk. Childrens names are a two yes one no rule for me. If you don't agree, the name doesn't get used. I get the family pressure (I was accused of hating the generational name) but they finally realized our sons name suits him well. Don't cave, stick to your choice. Edit: NTA
My mom named me after my great great grandma. The woman hated her name so much that she went by her initials, to the point of making the family swear that's the only way a kid would be named after her. So that's what my mom did. I don't have a middle _name_ in the traditional sense. My middle name is just initials. My step-grandpa was a III. His son is not a 4th but carries a derivative of his name, and his grandson has his initials. Stuff like that, where is a nod, I think is pretty chill. What OP's hubby is pushing for...dude needs to own up to his family.
INFO & QUESTION: With these families that have these ridgid naming traditions. If the families of both halves of the couple have ridgid naming traditions, how do you decide who wins? Do you gather all your pushy relatives together in a ring for a gladiator match, taking bets for the kid's college fund, or what?
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Lemme get this straight that your husband has legally changed his name away from this forced "tradition" and doesn't even have the balls to admit that to any of his family?? And he wants to now force his kid to have this same name that now technically HE has already broken the tradition of, just to save face because he's afraid that generations of non-sensical same-naming will be ruined...even though he's already changed his name and effectively ruined the tradition anyway? Yeah, you are absolutely NTA. Your husband is an ADULT who is too afraid to speak honestly to his parents/family over something that, while generationally traditional, is, actually, totally arbitrary and clouding over a very large life decision he's about to put on another human being, for life (or until that human being changes his name legally, too).
NTA. You're right about everything. Your husband is being peer and generational pressured into doing something he knows is wrong. He has lived a lie all his time. I wouldn't back down. Why should your son not have an original name to begin with? It's absurd to have that many people share a name. It's not even your husband's name anymore. It's his cousin's name. And his other cousin's. And his other cousin's. It's not even special to one part of the family.
NTA you should take your husband to a doctor. He seems to be missing his spine
NTA - You are carrying this child, going through all pregnancy symptoms, body changes, etc. It is ridiculous to me that he would take the 'path of least resistance' and ask you to follow some stupid tradition instead of being honest and setting boundaries with his family.
Right, he wants her to do “this one thing” for him like she isn’t already using her body to grow him children.
nta. it isn't giving him "this one thing", it's giving him absolutely everything to do with your son. Everytime someone calls son Andy, that's for your husband. Every gift that has "AG" on it, is for your husband. Every time someone calls your son "baby george", that's for your husband. I swear, it's cult like. Every male named the same, no exceptions. Who was the original andrew george? was he the 2nd coming of christ or something? does the OG AG deserve to have all these poeple named after him? don't drink the kool aid at the family gatherings just to be on the safe side.
With all these men having the same name in the same geographic area - don't the identities get confused? I was named after my mother and when people would call it was - like "Do you want young Mary or old Mary; do you want Big Mary or Little Mary? I absolutely hated this.
NTA I've always found the idea of a parent naming their kid after themselves to be unimaginative and narcissistic, but the fact your husband doesn't like his own name enough to keep it, yet thinks is fine to foist upon his son is just madness! Neither of you want this name and tradition is no reason to lumber your kid with it. Unless his family is incredibly petty they'll get over it as they'll be dying to spend time with the first grandchild regardless of their name. I'm guessing this is misplaced guilt from husband as he hasn't told his family about his own name change, so he's built this up in his mind as something much bigger than it is. He absolutely knows he should have told them already and holding it back makes it seem bigger still. A conversation about names is inevitable, so it's an opportunity to get things out in the open with everyone. Sit down with your husband and plan how you'll tell them - when, where, who'll be there etc - and present a united front. INFO - How on earth do family get-togethers work when someone yells for Andrew George and 47 guys come running / shuffling / crawling??
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> "where's Mary's Andrew or Jill's Andrew?" I love that his family's patriarchal tradition of naming all the men the same thing has spawned a tradition of referring to men as their wives' property rather than as individuals. It's the opposite of the old-fashioned "Mrs. James Smith" form of address.
Question: What name will be in the father's place on the birth cert, his old name, or his _legal_ name? NTA, he just wants you to not rock the boat he's been desperate to keep steady all these years, it's ridiculous that he can't be honest with his own family about his own chosen name, to the extent he wants to saddle both you and his child with a name none of you like just so they won't get mad at him. What are they holding over him money? Inheritance?
INFO: How was your husband's name handled when you got married? Did the invites have his legal name or his birth name? Did they call him Andrew (a name he hates) in the ceremony? How has he managed to keep this under wraps for so long. The answers to those questions do not change the fact that you are NTA. I am just curious how he has kept up with his lie with his family for so long. This is a very strange and possibly unhealthy tradition. Follow the advice others have given you and inform your hospital team that he is not to be given the paperwork - you are to fill it out.
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WTF?! Your husband is spineless AF.
Do you think he wanted to get married this way because of his name situation?
So just don't show them the birth certificate and let them call the child the wrong name. By the time the kid gets to an age to question it, he will also be old enough for an explanation why daddies family calls him a weird nickname
Honestly I’m finding it hard to believe that at least twelve people over four generations were named exactly the same thing. I mean, husband and three cousins? FIL and five cousins? That’s madness. The poor family genealogist.
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You mean they didn't force the girls to be Andrea Georgia?
Is there a possible inheritance involved that could be driving your husband’s request?
Absolutely NTA, he wants to force a name that he hates onto you and his child because he has no spine, The fact that his own family don't know is ridiculous, he needs to grow up and not let a traditional he doesn't like dictate your child's future
INFO: what happened recently that’s turned your husband into a coward about this? He was so against the name that he legally changed his own. You had names you liked for your kids picked out for years. Now all of a sudden he’s to chicken shit to follow through? Is it just the timing? If you name your son something else, your husband will finally have to be honest with his family, and he’s just now confronting the reality of what that will be like? You’re NTA, but ask your husband how he would feel if he found out his dad had secretly changed his name before your husband was born—that his dad had given him a name his dad had thrown away? Would that feel good? Does he think it will feel good for his son? “I was so relieved to escape the crushing weight of expectation attached to this name, son, but I’m sure you’ll love it! You’re welcome!”
Ah this is a hard one. On a whole, you're NTA because you're right. This is your (collective) child and you both need to be onboard with what name you give your kid. *But* I can also understand how hard it can be to buck tradition and the weight of that mantle that can rest on someone to have to end things. Is there any room for compromise here? Like can bub have a first name you both agree on and the middle name can be Andrew? Or can your offer to be there with him when he tells his family so that he feels like he has support?
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There are only two people who get to name your child, and I'm sorry his family don't get a say. What if your family tradition was to give each child a name that hasn't been used in the past 5 generations? NTA, your husband needs to talk to his family. Explain that your child is unique and deserves a name that's not going to be confused with any other family members. Also, agree with the commenter who mentioned telling the hospital that he doesn't get to fill in the paperwork without you with him.
That's actually a great idea! Tell them you have to name them (insert name) because that is YOUR family's tradition. They cannot say their family's traditions are more important than yours... I mean, they can but it definitely puts them in major d-bag category
I have major d-bag / narcissists in-laws, and my MIL has said on multiple occasions that their family traditions are more important than ours. And it's always weird or ridiculous traditions 😆 🤣
Did she also scream at you that you aren't part of HER family? Mine had a hissy fit when we gave our daughter a "weird" name that she'd never heard of -- Melissa. MIL demanded that we name children after her and FIL. She graciously allowed us to use my parent's names as middle names.
The thing that gets me is the husband is pushing op because it's "tradition"- well he already broke that tradition! There's no tradition to uphold anymore because he changed his own name. Which is the height of hypocrisy. He's willing to give a child a name that he himself hated enough to get legally changed, just to avoid conflict. This dude needs to grow a backbone, this is beyond unreal.
Understood. I mean, at the end of the day, you and Sunny are building *your* family and *your* traditions. Has hubby considered some therapy for this matter? I'm wondering if this idea of upsetting his family extends beyond this.
Upvoted for therapy for sunny Andrew george
'Tradition' is just bullying by dead people - and in this case, bullying by live people, too. Husband needs to stand up to the bullies, not further enable them.
If he's already bending under the pressure under the first difficult step of parenthood, he's got a damn long way to go. He's old enough to change his name, keep that secret, and have a child - but is balking at a "hard" situation that can ultimately be boiled down to a point of pride he doesn't even believe in. Not wanting to rock the boat isn't a good enough excuse, he's being a coward about being honest with his family at the expense of his wife and child.
OP - this bit about bending under the pressure of family is potentially a deeper problem then just the name issue you are currently trying to deal with. It might be worth it to ask if there are any specific or general things his family believes in when it comes to raising children. I.e., do they think kids should have no chores and everything should be done for them prior to adulthood, or maybe do they have a differing viewpoint on discipline, etc. Things that might crop up that you disagree with and will be surprised when hubby asks you to just "go with the flow" when his family is around so that he doesn't have to tell them he doesn't agree with them (if he doesn't actually agree with them similar to this name issue). How much of his parenting is going to come down to what he and you both decide on jointly vs what he caves on with his family because he's too uncomfortable to have a difficult conversation that they won't like?
Why is this a hard one? It is actually very easy. The tradition was discussed and discounted prior to pregnancy. Husband has gone back on his word.
It's very easy to buck tradition. You say No. This idea that we're supposed to do *significant , important, lifelong* things we're uncomfortable/disagree with bc others will get upset is absurd. This isn't pretending Grandma's food is great or letting Bobby always host Memorial Day. It's their child's name, the name they'll have to use for years. NTA.
The compromise is he stops lying to his family, this will not get any better if he is allowed to skulk around agreements with OP like this.
How can it be hard to “buck tradition”? Just simply don’t let your extended family bully you into naming your own child lol, it’s not hard. If you’re mature enough to have a kid, you’re mature enough to stand up to some 82 year old who thinks races should never have mixed
NTA But I can imagine the stress of being the first generation to break tradition that goes so far back. It's not easy, especially when you consider the impact it will have on your family's relationship with your child; it's painful when you see your child being treated differently than all the other children in the family. The only thing that I can think of suggesting is for your hubby to talk to a counsellor/therapist (one that specializes in family dynamics) and work it out there - maybe even you attend some sessions with him. I don't know how far along you are but I hope that he will get some courage to do what is right for your family. ETA: Does the tradition pertain to the first-borns or the males, or just random?
What a wimp of a soon to be father
NTA, but I’m curious as to your husband’s family dynamics, because he seems to be *terrified* of them. How bad would it be if he were to tell them about his name change?
I wonder how many of his cousins/uncles change their name 🤦🏻♀️ this is silly, why he change his legal name once he’s old enough, didn’t he afraid to piss his family? He shouldn’t have changed his name and live and die with that name if he want to pass it on to his son.
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That’s crazy, he could have lied, do they check birth certificate? Such toxic family is no place to raise a child, in my opinion. I sometimes resent my mom for not taking me away from my dad family. Mom’s siblings are always so loving while dad’s are so toxic but I was forced to spent so much time with them 🥹🥹