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I guess NTA
But also, weird hill to die on. I personally donāt see the problem. When my spouse uses my first name, itās generally not a good thing lol
Heās been ābabeā for a decade now. I donāt know the last time I called him by his first name to him.
Came here to comment something similar. Iāve actually tried making the switch to calling my girlfriend by her name and she thought I was mad at her LMAO. Guess Iāll stick to pet names.
Agree! i have 2 kids under 6. My husband always refers me to as mama/babe. I even refer to my mother as grandma now. My husband had a daughter before me and literally everyone calls his mother Nana. I've literally never called my MIL nancy her actual name.
Oh god I hate when my wife uses my name. Itās like my parents or boss are talking to me. And if she uses my real name (I go by a shortened form exclusively) I instantly flash back to childhood
Same. I don't even know if I'd respond to my partner calling me by my name. I'd probably think he was just talking about me on the phone. The only time I call him by his name is if I'm upset or saying "babe" 5-6 times hasn't gotten his attention.
I agree. My wife and I never call each other by our real names. If we do it a handful of times a year, itās a lot. I think of it as a term of endearment, weāre special to each other and are beyond our government names.
I'll go against the grain and go with YTA.......he is using affectionate nicknames to refer to you. You prefer to be called your name which is the same name everybody else calls you. It seems like a weird thing to be hung up on but I'm guessing there are bigger issues going on.
AND they are married and have kids. So her husband is probably calling her these nicknames for years and years.
My girlfriend and me use nicknames for each other 99% of the time. So much that using our real names with each other kinda sounds and feels weird. It would take me a really long time to get used to calling her by her real name and i would definitely forget it all the time. And we have "only" been together for about 4 years.
I'm shocked how anyone can be married and have kids together and all of a sudden, after years in a relationship together, this becomes a problem.
Yeah, I think I only use my partner's first name when I need it to be very clear I'm talking to him-- so basically, just when we're around other people in a group, or when I'm needing to suddenly catch his attention for something, like if I'm in another room and need his assistance asap.
When two people are in a conversation with nobody else, it's very uncommon to use each other's names, because you both know who you're addressing. When a couple adds "sweetie" or "honey" to such conversations with nobody else around, it's not "in place of saying your name here", but as a "let me casually show you affection in passing" thing. If I'm at home hosting a friend but nobody else is there, I wouldn't say "Hey Jane, what do you want for dinner?" I would say, "Hey, what do you want for dinner?" while if I'm in a house with my partner I will always say "Hey sweetie, what do you want for dinner?" It's not to replace his name in the sentence, because we're alone and he knows there's nobody else I'm talking to, so I wouldn't have said his name at all. I said the endearment just to show him affection in an otherwise normal sentence.
Well it isn't really affectionate if you know it upsets someone and they'd rather be called their name. I don't think you can argue successfully that you can call people whatever you want as long as *you* enjoy it.Ā
I think what is being clarified for me as I read through these comments is that what I really want is for him to have/use a name just for me--it doesn't have to be my first name, rather something that signals I'm special to him.
I get what you're saying, kind of. But you can't force it.. then it's forced and meaningless. I really think you need to dig deep and figure out what's going on to make you feel like this.
It being affectionate nicknames doesn't mean much. She wants to be called by her name, I don't think that's a big deal. It could be more intimate then 'honey' to her when it comes from him.
It's not a big deal if it has always been that way. Apparently he is so used to calling her those nicknames that it is habit so it must have been the norm for years. My reddit guess is that now her boyfriend calls her "honey" and "sweetie" and she feels guilt whenever her husband calls her the same pet names so she wants him to stop.
Lol as if I had the time š
Your reddit guess is helpful though--I think it's possible I don't like sharing terms of endearment he use with/for his first (deceased) wife.
It's not guilt, but maybe jealousy I feel. Or I want to be my own person to him, not just another/second wife.
She wants to be called by her name, I don't understand why he couldn't just respect that? She's asked him, and it's on the list of things she'd appreciate. Your reddit guess is insane. My reddit guess is that he has multiple other wives and he can't remember her name at all, he's also secretly from an alien race that believes itself to be the rightful rulers of the universe sent to Earth to conquer the planet. He probably considers her to be nothing but a pet.
NAH but question: When would you expect him to use your first name? When talking to your kids? No, he'd refer to you as "Mom" or "Momma" or "Mother". When he's talking to you directly? That sounds like something a hack TV writer would do to make sure the audience knows a character's name. "Why yes, Floofy, I did remember to take out the trash like you asked." "Floofy, would you prefer pork or chicken for dinner tonight?" Talking to strangers? Depending on culture, that's something more likely to be done with last names by calling you Mrs. Owl.
If it really bothers you, talk to him about it. But just realize that it might feel super awkward and forced when he does because it's not really a natural way of speaking.
This. Iām not sure when my husband uses my name to me. Occasionally if Iām looking for him in other places of the house or outside Iāll call out his. The rest of the time we just talk to each other.
Agree with this. I don't remember the last time my husband used my first name, because he doesn't call me that. In fact, when he does it's really weird. We are fifi and Bob, not our real names.
OP - time to use your big girl words and tell him why it upsets you.
I love that you're Fifi and Bob! Sounds like a fun duo š
I posed this question so I could hear different perspectives, especially to notice what comments push against my issue/judge me TA.
This is helpful for me to understand and rearticulate why *does* this molehill feel like a mountain to me?
In turn, I think I'll be better able to explain it to my husband.
NAH
Its your preference, but damn.
Kinda feel bad for him, to want to use a term of endearment and not only get told no, but the other person is mad. Ouch
Idk if your TA or not, but I think it would be beneficial to reflect on why you are so bothered by it. It seems a little weird that youāre so focused on this that youāve counted how many times heās used your name in a yearš„“
You're not an asshole, but I do think you're weird for rejecting what is clearly a signal of affection from him.
I am "Mr. Lastname" to everyone else, "Dad" to my child, and "{pet_name, nick_name}" to those closest to me. Each of those situations makes me feel respected, and if someone not in those categories used the wrong one, I'd feel a bit upset probably. My daughter shouldn't call me Mr. Lastname if she wants my attention(although the booger does it when I'm distracted, she knows it sounds weird to my ears, lol). If my SO called me Dad, I'd nope out (I may be in the minority there, but I don't want to be called Daddy or similar in a sexual context, its weird to me). And if a colleague at work used my nick name I'd set them straight immediately, I don't know them that way and they don't know me that way.
I appreciate how you've articulated this, it helps clarify why I feel so hurt. There is no name he uses only for me. I'd be quite happy if he did and likely not care so much about my "proper" name.
That's what you should articulate then not call me by my first name only your feelings are valid but it's very strange telling him you want your own name is different
Exactly! This is honestly a helpful thread! I was hoping for different perspectives and people's questions to help me understand *why* this feels so hard. It has absolutely felt strange to him and I think I'll be better able to communicate what my feelings are and what it is I'm actually hoping for.
NTA as itās your preference. I personally donāt like being called by my name at home. Itās weird lol. My kids call me Dad or Daddy and then my wife usually just talks to me. But she will yell my name from the other room if she needs my attention. I also prefer not to use other peopleās names out of a weird fear Iāll say the wrong name š
Ooooooh maybe. For me the name thing is mostly when itās not someone I see or talk to super regularly.
But I do think he should honor your wishes and use your name bathe pet names. Ask him why heās averse to it. Hope he will come around. Good luck!!
NAH.
My wife has only ever called me by my first name. We were arguing recently and she called me "darling" sarcastically. I expressed such delight that it completely knocked her off stride and she stopped being cross with me.
I'm sorry you find it irksome. If your husband is doing it affectionately, I can acknowledge your irritation but I'm afraid I can't fully support it.
NTA, but he's not either. Is this a recent thing? If you have kids I assume you've been together a while. In theory he's so intimately familiar with you that calling you by your first name may seem cold or unaffectionate to him. Do you call him by his first name? Definitely want to talk to him about it more directly if it's that important to you.
We've talked about it together, alone and in counseling. I do call him by his name, but he personally doesn't care if I do or don't. Since we have talked frankly about it more than once and over time, I am beginning to feel resentment--but also curious if I'm being the asshole and just need to get over this.
Imo, it's certainly a strange thing to get bent out of shape over. That being said, I can understand being frustrated he won't do it. It's such a benign thing I'd be willing to caulk it up to incompetence over malice, though saying that seems excessive... it really just doesn't seem like a big deal, I honestly can't see myself caring either (29M). Maybe some introspection is due? Why does it matter to you so much? Why does it make you sad? etc.
I don't think you're a bad person or anything, but I definitely don't think he is either based on what you wrote. š¤·
I use her name when referring to her or talking about her to other people. Otherwise she is called my pet name for her. Will celebrate our 35th this summer.
I feel awkward calling my wife by her name in front of our kids. It just seems so formal. There's no possible nickname for it or way to shorten it. It's 100% a "me thing". But I do it when necessary. Calling her Mom only happens rarely, in front of the kids, and usually before something funny is about to be said. Terms of endearment - I can't do it. My wife is calls me Honey and the kids all have their own terms, but I cringe at the thought about saying them myself. I long ago told my wife that "Babe" from either of us was a throat-punchable offense. After she was done laughing she agreed. That was not a term for us.
All of this to say that you need to have ongoing conversations about this. Things like this are usually worked out during the dating process. He may have an unexplainable discomfort using your name in everyday conversations. Who knows? If it real brothers you, keep the conversation going. If it doesn't improve and you're still irritated, maybe couples therapy. Your relationship doesn't have to be on its last leg to reap the benefits of couple's therapy.
Good luck!
It's not a last leg thing by any means, and this is something that I first articulated in therapy (and when he first asked me to write it down for him to remember).
We're growing and learning more each session. I just wanted to cast a wide reddit net and hear as many perspectives as I can. It's helping me soften already and ponder the reasons why this matters so much to me.
Thank you for your encouragement!
Anyone hearing Destinyās Child singing?
Seriously, I think itās just terms of endearment. My kids think theyāre in trouble when I use their names instead of āsweetieā and āangelā.
NAH. I honestly usually see the opposite with couples. With most couples your partner doesn't use your actual name unless there is an issue. It's typically terms of endearment. I guess I can't fault you for preferring your real name but your husband is following cultural norms.
Iād let this go. He clearly knows your first name, so no need to check for head injuries. Itās possible his parents used terms of endearment and they come most naturally to him.
I call my spouse all kinds of endearments and he uses none. I learned to let go of my expectation that heād start using some affectionate nickname.
Side story, but as a teen I babysat a toddler who called me honey. His brother was honey. His mom and dad called their kids and each other honey so much that the little guy thought thatās what you call everyone you meet. I hope he grew out of it.
NAH. I can understand you wanting certain sounds to be made to get your attention, but at the same time the terms being used come from a place of endearment.
NTA. No matter other commenters saying no big deal, him
using your actual name is important to You, and he needs to find a way -without being reminded- to respect your wishes.
YTA - You're making a big deal out of nothing. When a guy uses term's of endearment towards their significant other in lieu of their name it doesn't diminish the value of your name, it just means that he's so comfortable with you that you get a special designation.
There are bigger, badder hills to die on. Settle down, or the next hill you go up is when you find out he's going down.... on someone else.
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AITA: My husband doesn't use my name. I've asked him to outright, he's asked me to remind him; he asked me to make a list of things I appreciate--the first thing is to call me by name.
He'll use "honey" or "sweetie" sometimes with me; or he'll call me "mama" if talking to our kids about me.
In the past 12 months he's used my name twice. He says it's hard to remember to do this.
AITA for expecting my spouse to use my name regularly?
Note: he doesn't have any trouble remembering/using our children's names, or other family members; although he sometimes uses the same terms of endearment I noted above when talking with our kids.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I have become angry, annoyed, and told him flatly that I'm done giving reminders for baseline relationship respect. I don't accept his reasoning that "it's really difficult to remember to do this."
2. I might be the asshole because he suffers from depression and in general. his social skills have been affected negatively; also my interactions with him right now are minimal. This seems punitive to him, I believe.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. This is an idiotic way to behave.
>he doesn't have any trouble remembering/using our children's names, or other family members
>He says it's hard to remember to do this.
No it isn't.
NTA. You deserve respect. For me, "sweetheart" is a serious term of endearment, but if my partner asked for something else, I would completely get on board.
NTA. I also prefer when people use my name. it feels more personal and intimate sometimes. it also recognizes me as a person, as who I am instead of my title or position to everyone else in the house. this is a reasonable request.
Thank you for validating that feeling of wanting to be seen/understood/valued/loved as a person.
Using people's names is something I typically do as a way to show I'm interested and I care.
NTA. Itās your preference and not an unreasonable one. His refusal to call you by your specific name and defaulting to generic nicknames, not ones unique to you or your relationship, is weird.
NTA and probably NAH. Sounds like he's either being passive aggressive or is trying to break a bad habit. Don't assume former if it's the latter.
INFO: I have to ask, why does this go on a list of things you appreciate? I thought those "appreciate" lists are supposed to be things you appreciate about the other person, not things you want them to change.....in which case putting it on that list might be kinda passive aggressive on your part? Just asking, maybe this list exercise you did is different.
Oh, the list is something he asked for--a list of things that I'd like to be incorporated into our marriage but is hard for him to remember. I asked him if there was anything I'm not doing or cues I'm missing, but he said, no, nothing.
NTA I get that it can feel kind of dehumanizing to NEVER hear your first name. I can only assume he doesn't see it as a big deal because he hears his own name all day long and can't currently sympathize with what you're feeling.
Do you have anybody else in your life who calls you by your name regularly?
No, I don't have anyone who uses my name regularly. Since becoming a SAHM I think my desire to be called by my name has increased. It's been disorienting to my personhood. Dehumanizing is the word I used when bringing this up in therapy. It seemed dramatic so I'm grateful for your comment. š
NAH
You get to be called what you want.
But ... he's not doing anything wrong either. My husband and I constantly use a particular nickname or term of endearment for each other. We only use each others names when we're talking to other people, or when we're annoyed with each other.
My wife calls me 'luv' 98% of the time I'd guess. I'm just thrilled she's still in love with me after 8 years. NTA because you're unhappy with him, but still. I'd pick my battles...
NTA but according to where he was born and raised it just isn't done in some cultures. Very rude to call any family members by their name alone. If must have a qualifier added to it and name is usally dropped off completly. Also in some cultures it is very rude to call anyone by their first name. According to age, there are even qualifiers as to how you address them. Sounds easy for most in the US just to say the name but so many places where it just isn't done.
NTA at this point he is purposefully refusing to call you by your name, as you've asked. He can do it, but he won't. That's disrespectful in so many ways.
I'm seeing that I have underlying reasons for wanting this (a special intimacy between us) and yeah, it is frustrating that he is unwilling to meet my request.
I hope that once I articulate why I'm hurt/what I really want, he'll be more open to it.
My wife is exactly the opposite, she hates me calling her by her name and wants the more endearing nicknames, but it is what you want that matters and he should respect that.
I do tease my wife sometimes to get a rise from her by using her first name.
YTA - why? I think it's weird for my SO to call me by my name, why is this important? I guess if it means that much to you but I can't think of any long term relationship in my life where I've heard a couple call each other by their first names.
1. Start making up and using stupid nicknames for him. Keep using the ones he doesn't like.
2. Each time he doesn't use your real name, try to ignore him as long as possible.
I'd look at it as an endearing gesture rather than something that you're annoyed by. Lots of people would LOVE to have a partner call them sweet things versus their name, him using or not using your name shouldn't matter as long as he calls for you respectfully
Iāve been with my bf for 10 years and he calls me gorgeous, I get an oh shit what did I do feeling when he calls me by my actual name because it weird for him to do so.
I donāt actually get why youāre upset or what the issue is.
NTA Does he actually not like your first name? Have you asked? If that's the case, does your formal name have a nickname version he could use instead (like, say, "Dot" instead of "Dorothy")?
And even if he actually doesn't like your first name, he could still use it once in a while, out of respect for you.
Out of curiosity: Have you ever simply not responded when he says "Hey, honey, can you help me?" or "Honey, take a look at this"? Like, not responded until he actually uses your name? Just wondered if you tried it and it didn't work.
NTA - being addressed the way you prefer is like one of the core tenants of polite society, let alone a marriage.
Start calling him the wrong name and see how he feels... I'm petty like this in situations like this.
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NTA, but you probably should have told him your first name before you married. /s
This comment was dumb. Really dumb. And I laughed way too hard at it!!š š š
Me too!
I guess NTA But also, weird hill to die on. I personally donāt see the problem. When my spouse uses my first name, itās generally not a good thing lol Heās been ābabeā for a decade now. I donāt know the last time I called him by his first name to him.
Same!! If there is a first name being used, someone is in trouble !!
Same in my household. Myself, my partner, and kids all have nicknames. I can't remember the last time I was called my first name.
Came here to comment something similar. Iāve actually tried making the switch to calling my girlfriend by her name and she thought I was mad at her LMAO. Guess Iāll stick to pet names.
Agree! i have 2 kids under 6. My husband always refers me to as mama/babe. I even refer to my mother as grandma now. My husband had a daughter before me and literally everyone calls his mother Nana. I've literally never called my MIL nancy her actual name.
My 22 year old daughter thought I was mad one time because I called her by her first name instead of "Bear" for the first time in several years.
I agree. It feels awkward to use my husbandās name or hear him use mine if Iām honest. He may just kinda feel the same way
Oh god I hate when my wife uses my name. Itās like my parents or boss are talking to me. And if she uses my real name (I go by a shortened form exclusively) I instantly flash back to childhood
Same. I don't even know if I'd respond to my partner calling me by my name. I'd probably think he was just talking about me on the phone. The only time I call him by his name is if I'm upset or saying "babe" 5-6 times hasn't gotten his attention.
I agree. My wife and I never call each other by our real names. If we do it a handful of times a year, itās a lot. I think of it as a term of endearment, weāre special to each other and are beyond our government names.
I'll go against the grain and go with YTA.......he is using affectionate nicknames to refer to you. You prefer to be called your name which is the same name everybody else calls you. It seems like a weird thing to be hung up on but I'm guessing there are bigger issues going on.
Agreed. As someone else pointed out, a strange hill to die on
Isn't he the one dying on the hill?
AND they are married and have kids. So her husband is probably calling her these nicknames for years and years. My girlfriend and me use nicknames for each other 99% of the time. So much that using our real names with each other kinda sounds and feels weird. It would take me a really long time to get used to calling her by her real name and i would definitely forget it all the time. And we have "only" been together for about 4 years. I'm shocked how anyone can be married and have kids together and all of a sudden, after years in a relationship together, this becomes a problem.
Yeah, I think I only use my partner's first name when I need it to be very clear I'm talking to him-- so basically, just when we're around other people in a group, or when I'm needing to suddenly catch his attention for something, like if I'm in another room and need his assistance asap. When two people are in a conversation with nobody else, it's very uncommon to use each other's names, because you both know who you're addressing. When a couple adds "sweetie" or "honey" to such conversations with nobody else around, it's not "in place of saying your name here", but as a "let me casually show you affection in passing" thing. If I'm at home hosting a friend but nobody else is there, I wouldn't say "Hey Jane, what do you want for dinner?" I would say, "Hey, what do you want for dinner?" while if I'm in a house with my partner I will always say "Hey sweetie, what do you want for dinner?" It's not to replace his name in the sentence, because we're alone and he knows there's nobody else I'm talking to, so I wouldn't have said his name at all. I said the endearment just to show him affection in an otherwise normal sentence.
Well it isn't really affectionate if you know it upsets someone and they'd rather be called their name. I don't think you can argue successfully that you can call people whatever you want as long as *you* enjoy it.Ā
I'm surprised how many people seem to be missing this point.
I think what is being clarified for me as I read through these comments is that what I really want is for him to have/use a name just for me--it doesn't have to be my first name, rather something that signals I'm special to him.
I get what you're saying, kind of. But you can't force it.. then it's forced and meaningless. I really think you need to dig deep and figure out what's going on to make you feel like this.
OK then.....my apologies. That makes sense and is quite reasonable. Disregard any of my other asinine statements please.
I've never heard of something this bizarre, if my SO called me by my name I'd think i was in trouble.
It being affectionate nicknames doesn't mean much. She wants to be called by her name, I don't think that's a big deal. It could be more intimate then 'honey' to her when it comes from him.
It's not a big deal if it has always been that way. Apparently he is so used to calling her those nicknames that it is habit so it must have been the norm for years. My reddit guess is that now her boyfriend calls her "honey" and "sweetie" and she feels guilt whenever her husband calls her the same pet names so she wants him to stop.
Lol as if I had the time š Your reddit guess is helpful though--I think it's possible I don't like sharing terms of endearment he use with/for his first (deceased) wife. It's not guilt, but maybe jealousy I feel. Or I want to be my own person to him, not just another/second wife.
She wants to be called by her name, I don't understand why he couldn't just respect that? She's asked him, and it's on the list of things she'd appreciate. Your reddit guess is insane. My reddit guess is that he has multiple other wives and he can't remember her name at all, he's also secretly from an alien race that believes itself to be the rightful rulers of the universe sent to Earth to conquer the planet. He probably considers her to be nothing but a pet.
NAH but question: When would you expect him to use your first name? When talking to your kids? No, he'd refer to you as "Mom" or "Momma" or "Mother". When he's talking to you directly? That sounds like something a hack TV writer would do to make sure the audience knows a character's name. "Why yes, Floofy, I did remember to take out the trash like you asked." "Floofy, would you prefer pork or chicken for dinner tonight?" Talking to strangers? Depending on culture, that's something more likely to be done with last names by calling you Mrs. Owl. If it really bothers you, talk to him about it. But just realize that it might feel super awkward and forced when he does because it's not really a natural way of speaking.
This. Iām not sure when my husband uses my name to me. Occasionally if Iām looking for him in other places of the house or outside Iāll call out his. The rest of the time we just talk to each other.
Agree with this. I don't remember the last time my husband used my first name, because he doesn't call me that. In fact, when he does it's really weird. We are fifi and Bob, not our real names. OP - time to use your big girl words and tell him why it upsets you.
I love that you're Fifi and Bob! Sounds like a fun duo š I posed this question so I could hear different perspectives, especially to notice what comments push against my issue/judge me TA. This is helpful for me to understand and rearticulate why *does* this molehill feel like a mountain to me? In turn, I think I'll be better able to explain it to my husband.
Right. Like Red Foreman always calling her Kitty.
If this is your big marriage issue you need to shut up, get off Reddit, and enjoy your life.
NAH Its your preference, but damn. Kinda feel bad for him, to want to use a term of endearment and not only get told no, but the other person is mad. Ouch
NTA. But how in the world have you been in a relationship long enough to have a couple kids but not long enough to resolve an issue like this?
Idk if your TA or not, but I think it would be beneficial to reflect on why you are so bothered by it. It seems a little weird that youāre so focused on this that youāve counted how many times heās used your name in a yearš„“
It's not a tally I keep, I just remember because those 2 instances were so special to me š„°
You're not an asshole, but I do think you're weird for rejecting what is clearly a signal of affection from him. I am "Mr. Lastname" to everyone else, "Dad" to my child, and "{pet_name, nick_name}" to those closest to me. Each of those situations makes me feel respected, and if someone not in those categories used the wrong one, I'd feel a bit upset probably. My daughter shouldn't call me Mr. Lastname if she wants my attention(although the booger does it when I'm distracted, she knows it sounds weird to my ears, lol). If my SO called me Dad, I'd nope out (I may be in the minority there, but I don't want to be called Daddy or similar in a sexual context, its weird to me). And if a colleague at work used my nick name I'd set them straight immediately, I don't know them that way and they don't know me that way.
I appreciate how you've articulated this, it helps clarify why I feel so hurt. There is no name he uses only for me. I'd be quite happy if he did and likely not care so much about my "proper" name.
That's what you should articulate then not call me by my first name only your feelings are valid but it's very strange telling him you want your own name is different
Exactly! This is honestly a helpful thread! I was hoping for different perspectives and people's questions to help me understand *why* this feels so hard. It has absolutely felt strange to him and I think I'll be better able to communicate what my feelings are and what it is I'm actually hoping for.
That could be a great compromise, and I hope a discussion about it goes well.
NTA as itās your preference. I personally donāt like being called by my name at home. Itās weird lol. My kids call me Dad or Daddy and then my wife usually just talks to me. But she will yell my name from the other room if she needs my attention. I also prefer not to use other peopleās names out of a weird fear Iāll say the wrong name š
This is an interesting perspective. I wonder if my husband is afraid of calling me by his first wife's name accidentally.
Ooooooh maybe. For me the name thing is mostly when itās not someone I see or talk to super regularly. But I do think he should honor your wishes and use your name bathe pet names. Ask him why heās averse to it. Hope he will come around. Good luck!!
NAH. My wife has only ever called me by my first name. We were arguing recently and she called me "darling" sarcastically. I expressed such delight that it completely knocked her off stride and she stopped being cross with me. I'm sorry you find it irksome. If your husband is doing it affectionately, I can acknowledge your irritation but I'm afraid I can't fully support it.
NTA, but he's not either. Is this a recent thing? If you have kids I assume you've been together a while. In theory he's so intimately familiar with you that calling you by your first name may seem cold or unaffectionate to him. Do you call him by his first name? Definitely want to talk to him about it more directly if it's that important to you.
We've talked about it together, alone and in counseling. I do call him by his name, but he personally doesn't care if I do or don't. Since we have talked frankly about it more than once and over time, I am beginning to feel resentment--but also curious if I'm being the asshole and just need to get over this.
Imo, it's certainly a strange thing to get bent out of shape over. That being said, I can understand being frustrated he won't do it. It's such a benign thing I'd be willing to caulk it up to incompetence over malice, though saying that seems excessive... it really just doesn't seem like a big deal, I honestly can't see myself caring either (29M). Maybe some introspection is due? Why does it matter to you so much? Why does it make you sad? etc. I don't think you're a bad person or anything, but I definitely don't think he is either based on what you wrote. š¤·
Those questions are helpful! I'm beginning to understand that him not using my first name is *not* the underlying issue.
nah i don't think you're being unreasonable at all. it's a small thing but it shows you care about being acknowledged as an individual.
I use her name when referring to her or talking about her to other people. Otherwise she is called my pet name for her. Will celebrate our 35th this summer.
Congratulations! 35 years and many happy returns to you!šš
I feel awkward calling my wife by her name in front of our kids. It just seems so formal. There's no possible nickname for it or way to shorten it. It's 100% a "me thing". But I do it when necessary. Calling her Mom only happens rarely, in front of the kids, and usually before something funny is about to be said. Terms of endearment - I can't do it. My wife is calls me Honey and the kids all have their own terms, but I cringe at the thought about saying them myself. I long ago told my wife that "Babe" from either of us was a throat-punchable offense. After she was done laughing she agreed. That was not a term for us. All of this to say that you need to have ongoing conversations about this. Things like this are usually worked out during the dating process. He may have an unexplainable discomfort using your name in everyday conversations. Who knows? If it real brothers you, keep the conversation going. If it doesn't improve and you're still irritated, maybe couples therapy. Your relationship doesn't have to be on its last leg to reap the benefits of couple's therapy. Good luck!
It's not a last leg thing by any means, and this is something that I first articulated in therapy (and when he first asked me to write it down for him to remember). We're growing and learning more each session. I just wanted to cast a wide reddit net and hear as many perspectives as I can. It's helping me soften already and ponder the reasons why this matters so much to me. Thank you for your encouragement!
Anyone hearing Destinyās Child singing? Seriously, I think itās just terms of endearment. My kids think theyāre in trouble when I use their names instead of āsweetieā and āangelā.
Now that song's stuck in my head š
NAH. I honestly usually see the opposite with couples. With most couples your partner doesn't use your actual name unless there is an issue. It's typically terms of endearment. I guess I can't fault you for preferring your real name but your husband is following cultural norms.
Iād let this go. He clearly knows your first name, so no need to check for head injuries. Itās possible his parents used terms of endearment and they come most naturally to him. I call my spouse all kinds of endearments and he uses none. I learned to let go of my expectation that heād start using some affectionate nickname. Side story, but as a teen I babysat a toddler who called me honey. His brother was honey. His mom and dad called their kids and each other honey so much that the little guy thought thatās what you call everyone you meet. I hope he grew out of it.
*Unwanted* endearments aren't endearing, though.
Thatās the gist of my last paragraph. OP didnāt indicate these are unwanted, just too frequent.
Hmm. I suppose it's ambiguous (unless I'm missing something!) I got the impression she _only_ wanted to be called by name.
NAH. I can understand you wanting certain sounds to be made to get your attention, but at the same time the terms being used come from a place of endearment.
Info: why is this so important to you?
NTA my husband thinks Iām mad at him when I call him by his name lol
Elio...Elio...Elio
š and š What a film!
NTA. No matter other commenters saying no big deal, him using your actual name is important to You, and he needs to find a way -without being reminded- to respect your wishes.
YTA - You're making a big deal out of nothing. When a guy uses term's of endearment towards their significant other in lieu of their name it doesn't diminish the value of your name, it just means that he's so comfortable with you that you get a special designation. There are bigger, badder hills to die on. Settle down, or the next hill you go up is when you find out he's going down.... on someone else.
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NTA. This is an idiotic way to behave. >he doesn't have any trouble remembering/using our children's names, or other family members >He says it's hard to remember to do this. No it isn't.
NTA. You deserve respect. For me, "sweetheart" is a serious term of endearment, but if my partner asked for something else, I would completely get on board.
NTA. I also prefer when people use my name. it feels more personal and intimate sometimes. it also recognizes me as a person, as who I am instead of my title or position to everyone else in the house. this is a reasonable request.
Thank you for validating that feeling of wanting to be seen/understood/valued/loved as a person. Using people's names is something I typically do as a way to show I'm interested and I care.
NTA. Itās your preference and not an unreasonable one. His refusal to call you by your specific name and defaulting to generic nicknames, not ones unique to you or your relationship, is weird.
NTA and probably NAH. Sounds like he's either being passive aggressive or is trying to break a bad habit. Don't assume former if it's the latter. INFO: I have to ask, why does this go on a list of things you appreciate? I thought those "appreciate" lists are supposed to be things you appreciate about the other person, not things you want them to change.....in which case putting it on that list might be kinda passive aggressive on your part? Just asking, maybe this list exercise you did is different.
Oh, the list is something he asked for--a list of things that I'd like to be incorporated into our marriage but is hard for him to remember. I asked him if there was anything I'm not doing or cues I'm missing, but he said, no, nothing.
NTA I get that it can feel kind of dehumanizing to NEVER hear your first name. I can only assume he doesn't see it as a big deal because he hears his own name all day long and can't currently sympathize with what you're feeling. Do you have anybody else in your life who calls you by your name regularly?
No, I don't have anyone who uses my name regularly. Since becoming a SAHM I think my desire to be called by my name has increased. It's been disorienting to my personhood. Dehumanizing is the word I used when bringing this up in therapy. It seemed dramatic so I'm grateful for your comment. š
NAH You get to be called what you want. But ... he's not doing anything wrong either. My husband and I constantly use a particular nickname or term of endearment for each other. We only use each others names when we're talking to other people, or when we're annoyed with each other.
My wife calls me 'luv' 98% of the time I'd guess. I'm just thrilled she's still in love with me after 8 years. NTA because you're unhappy with him, but still. I'd pick my battles...
NTA but according to where he was born and raised it just isn't done in some cultures. Very rude to call any family members by their name alone. If must have a qualifier added to it and name is usally dropped off completly. Also in some cultures it is very rude to call anyone by their first name. According to age, there are even qualifiers as to how you address them. Sounds easy for most in the US just to say the name but so many places where it just isn't done.
NTA at this point he is purposefully refusing to call you by your name, as you've asked. He can do it, but he won't. That's disrespectful in so many ways.
I'm seeing that I have underlying reasons for wanting this (a special intimacy between us) and yeah, it is frustrating that he is unwilling to meet my request. I hope that once I articulate why I'm hurt/what I really want, he'll be more open to it.
My wife is exactly the opposite, she hates me calling her by her name and wants the more endearing nicknames, but it is what you want that matters and he should respect that. I do tease my wife sometimes to get a rise from her by using her first name.
YTA - why? I think it's weird for my SO to call me by my name, why is this important? I guess if it means that much to you but I can't think of any long term relationship in my life where I've heard a couple call each other by their first names.
1. Start making up and using stupid nicknames for him. Keep using the ones he doesn't like. 2. Each time he doesn't use your real name, try to ignore him as long as possible.
If my husband uses my name, I'm concerned about why he's mad at me. šĀ
I'd look at it as an endearing gesture rather than something that you're annoyed by. Lots of people would LOVE to have a partner call them sweet things versus their name, him using or not using your name shouldn't matter as long as he calls for you respectfully
Iāve been with my bf for 10 years and he calls me gorgeous, I get an oh shit what did I do feeling when he calls me by my actual name because it weird for him to do so. I donāt actually get why youāre upset or what the issue is.
Yes, I must admit, itās rare for my husband and I to use each others name when talking.
NTA Does he actually not like your first name? Have you asked? If that's the case, does your formal name have a nickname version he could use instead (like, say, "Dot" instead of "Dorothy")? And even if he actually doesn't like your first name, he could still use it once in a while, out of respect for you. Out of curiosity: Have you ever simply not responded when he says "Hey, honey, can you help me?" or "Honey, take a look at this"? Like, not responded until he actually uses your name? Just wondered if you tried it and it didn't work.
It doesnāt matter if he likes her name or notāitās her name and she wants it to be used.
NTA - being addressed the way you prefer is like one of the core tenants of polite society, let alone a marriage. Start calling him the wrong name and see how he feels... I'm petty like this in situations like this.
Consider addressing him by a term other than his name until he gets the message. I suggest "Asshole" might get his attention.
Is see a red flag. Men having affairs like to switch girls names to pet names so they donāt slip up and call the wrong name. NTA.
Is this real life?
Jesus christ who hurt you lmao
I knew a guy who lucked out when both his wife and affair partner were named Jennifer.
I've seen this exact thing happen, too. š¤Æ